Biden Campaign Demands Debate ‘Fact Checkers’

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Biden Campaign Chair Cedric Richmond appeared on FOX News and claimed “it would be unfair for Joe to have to go one-on-one with Trump in a debate. First of all, Trump is a racist. Joe is too polite to bring this up. That’s why we need the moderators, the New York Times editors, or some other widely respected authority to interject as often as needed to remind viewers of this fact.”

Second, Joe isn’t as sharp as Trump,” Richmond pointed out. “He can’t always remember his talking points. He needs a ‘handicap’ like they have in bowling leagues to try to even out the competition. Allowing the moderators or someone else to fill in the gaps will help level the playing field. There is a precedent for doing this. Back in the 2012 debate between Mitt Romney and President Obama moderator Candy Crowley intervened during the debate to rescue the younger, very able and articulate President during what could otherwise have been an awkward moment for him. Romney never complained about that. So why should Trump complain about a similar intervention when Joe gets hung up trying to remember key planks of his platform?”

In related news, Biden snagged an endorsement from 1980 & 1984 US Communist Party vice-presidential candidate and winner of the International Lenin Peace Prize Angela Davis. Davis says that “Biden may have some serious mental deficiencies, but he has indicated he supports key planks of the Communist Party’s agenda for America. He has come out in favor of defunding the police. This demonstrates that he will fulfill his promise to rip the roots out of this country. Since that’s what communists want to do, we’ll vote for him in November.”

How Seattle May Achieve 50% Reduction of Police Force

In response to Police Chief Carmen Best’s concern that the City Council’s proposed 50% cut in funding for her department would cost many minority officers to lose their livelihoods, Council member Lisa Herbold suggested that “we could just lay off white officers.”

Herbold defended this racist basis for determining who stays and who goes, saying “it will make up for past inequities in hiring. From a budgetary perspective, getting rid of whites who have more years of service could reduce the per officer cost. From a social perspective, a totally minority-staffed department would eliminate the problem of white cops killing black suspects. Statistics show that while blacks represent about 13% of the population they account for about a third of the crime. As a result, blacks are going to be disproportionately represented among those the police have contact with. If the contact turns violent more blacks will be hurt or killed. If the deaths are all at the hands of black officers we will avoid a George Floyd type situation.”

EEOC rules state that “It is unlawful to discriminate against any employee or applicant for employment because of race or color in regard to hiring, termination, promotion, compensation, job training, or any other term, condition, or privilege of employment.” Herbold rebuffed this concern and alleged that “undoing past discrimination will inevitably entail a period of reverse discrimination until the scales of social justice have been fully balanced.” Oddly, Herbold did not resign so a minority person could take her place and help right the decades of dominance of the City Council by whites.

Schumer Aid Package Excludes Whites

The $350 billion coronavirus aid package proposed by Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) explicitly excludes whites from participating. The bill would fund child care programs, assistance for small businesses, tax credits for renters and Medicaid expansion for minorities.

Schumer acknowledged that many small businesses owned by whites “are likely to go into bankruptcy due to the shutdown of nonessential activities by governors across the nation,” but characterized this as “a beneficial side effect. There simply isn’t enough demand to sustain all of the small businesses that existed prior to the shutdowns. It may be years, if ever, before the previous level of prosperity can be regained. By excluding whites from the relief package we thin the competition in a way that will permit more minority-owned businesses to survive. I consider this one of the ways we atone for slavery and Jim Crow laws that hurt black-owned businesses in years past.”

Schumer’s bill is intended as an addition to the $3 trillion Heroes Act drafted by House Democrats. This act focuses on protecting the jobs of illegal immigrants and offers incentives to businesses that hire them. The bill also would automatically extend foreign worker visas and release most illegal immigrants currently detained by immigration officials.

In related news, Schumer is also pushing for a tax break for the top 1% in New York state as part of the upcoming Coronavirus Relief Bill currently under discussion in Congress. Basically, Schumer wants the $10,000 limit on the deduction of state taxes from federal taxes owed removed. “The limit on the ability to shift the burden of New York state government expenditures to taxpayers across the country is crucial to my state’s prosperity,” he says. “As Gov. Cuomo has pointed out, we have already milked our in-state taxpayers for as much as we can expect. Too many New Yorkers are leaving the state in search of lower tax jurisdictions. We must stanch this outflow or our state will be forced to pursue a more frugal stance toward spending.”

Seattle Mayor Wants Judge to Reverse Decision

King County Superior Court Judge Mary Roberts’ decision to allow a recall petition to go forward has Mayor Jenny Durkan (D) riled. Since it was the police use of tear gas to disperse a mob that inspired the petition, Durkan contends that “it is Police Chief Carmen Best who is really to blame. Look, I did everything I could to aid those disrupting the city. I ordered the police to leave them alone. I even ceded a bit of real estate for them to proclaim their autonomous zone. Chief Best went against my orders. It is unfair that I be recalled. Can’t I just fire Best?”

Judge Roberts said that “it is not my job to determine who is at fault. A recall is a political act. My role is strictly confined to whether the petition fits within the legal requirements. It does. If the petition gathers enough signatures a recall election will be held.”

Durkan is now said to be considering a city-wide stay-at-home order. “They need to get 50,000 signatures on the petition to force the issue to a ballot,” the Mayor observed. “If I make everyone stay home for the next few months there’ll be no way they can reach that number. And with COVID cases surging, it’s my duty to keep everyone indoors for their own good anyway. So it may be a win-win outcome for me.”

Smithsonian Institute Denounces White Oppression

In an exhibit called “Talking about Race,” National Museum of African American History & Culture illustrated the ways whites oppress other races. Among the white cultural traits that were lambasted were “rugged individualism,” “the scientific method,” “hard work,” “rational thinking,” “delayed gratification,” and “politeness.”

Museum Director Arnold Fartz explained that “the assumption that these traits are a good thing ignores the traits of non-white cultures. Consider the Aesop story of the ant and the grasshopper. In the individualistic white way of thinking it makes sense. But in a society governed by social justice, it is the grasshopper who is better adapted. He gets to play all day while the ant works. When the grasshopper is hungry the government compels the ant to share what he has produced. Now, you tell me, which is the smart one?”

As public awareness and outrage over this racist trash spread over the Internet, the Museum deleted the exhibit from its web page and sent Dr. Fartz back to the Harvard University Sociology Department “where his sensitively nuanced interpretations of human societies will be more appreciated among his fellow academicians.”

In related news, the US Army’s Equity and Inclusion Agency is teaching our troops that they are racists if they discuss any of the following ideas or phrases: “there is only one human race,” “all lives matter,” “American exceptionalism,” and “celebration of Columbus Day.” Rep. Mo Brooks (R-Ala) was livid over “Army personnel illegally using federal government resources to distribute racist and partisan political propaganda in direct violation of federal law and military regulations.” On the other hand, former Vietnam War hero John Kerry said “it’s about time the troops were told the truth.”

Planned Parenthood Vows to Overturn Court Ruling

The recent US Supreme Court decision against forcing Catholic organizations to fund abortions was grist for a Planned Parenthood fund-raising initiative. Planned Parenthood CEO Alexis McGill Johnson complains that “this decision upholds the administration’s horrible rules that allow employers and universities to follow their religious or moral beliefs and deny paying for abortions their employees and students want.”

It is not enough that the 1973 Roe v. Wade ruling allows women to terminate the lives of their unwanted children,” Johnson said. “Women won’t be fully free until they have the right to compel someone else to pay for the abortion procedure.”

Johnson rejected the argument that unwanted children could be put up for adoption, calling it “morally repugnant. The anti-choice propagandists assert that the life of an unborn child should take precedence over the convenience of the mother. They would burden a woman with the knowledge that her unwanted spawn was still alive somewhere. This nightmarish scenario unduly restricts the freedom of women to live their lives the way they wish.” She went on to encourage donors to “give as much as you can to our continuing battle for reproductive freedom.”

In related news, three teenage girls beat a pregnant woman in Brooklyn, Illinois this week. A boyfriend of one of the girls kicked the woman’s two-year-old daughter during the fight. He later excused his action by insisting “I was trying to kick the pregnant lady, not her little kid.” His mother spoke in his defense, saying “he’s a good boy. He would never intentional hurt a baby. He was trying to jump on the mother, but accidents happen.”

Pelosi Backs Omar in Primary

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) has endorsed Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-Minn) for reelection against challenger Antone Melton-Meaux. “Ilhan is a valued and important Member of our Caucus. In her first term, Ilhan has already established herself as a leader on a host of issues — from opposing the Jewish conspiracy to conquer the world to tearing down our republican form of government. In contrast, her opponent is pro-Israel, which as everyone knows is the only US ally and democracy in the Middle East.”

Thus far, Melton-Meaux has raised seven times as much in campaign contributions as Omar has—a fact that Pelosi says “gives him an unfair advantage. Not only has Ilhan raised less money, she’s had to pay her husband more than a million dollars for campaign advice. Her opponent doesn’t have these kinds of expenses. His wife is a doctor.”

Mayor Blames Trump for Escalating Violence

Portland Mayor Mayor Ted Wheeler blames President Trump for the violence and disorder raging in his city. “I’ve been trying to make a deal and all of his talk about law and order and sending help is making things worse,” he complained.

Has Trump ever seen The Sopranos?” Wheeler asked. “Anyone who has knows that it is better to agree to give gangsters a piece of the action than to resist. As Tony Soprano would say ‘that way nobody has to get hurt.’ Well, giving the Antifa guys a piece of Portland is what I’ve been trying to do for the last six weeks. But Trump butting in is queering the deal.”

While we’ve been releasing rioters as soon as they’re arrested, Trump’s federal goons have intervened and stopped the mob from sacking the federal courthouse, injuring one of the rioters in the process by discharging tear gas on him,” the Mayor said. “I’m not the only one who is upset with Trump. Gov. Kate Brown (D), Sen. Ron Wyden (D) have also denounced his interference.”

Wheeler has ordered federal agents in Portland to stay inside and says he has ordered local police to arrest them if they catch them outdoors in the city.

Chicago to Deploy “Census Cowboy”

Concerned about future fedral disbursements to her city, Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot announced that a “Census Cowboy will be riding around the streets in an effort to count everyone and anyone. When I was a kid, I loved the Batman TV show. And when the city of Gotham had a real difficult challenge, one of the things the mayor there did is he called out and he sent out the distress signal to Batman. So, we are doing something similar for the census.”

In order to avert an under-count, the Census Cowboy will be taking a cue from how we count COVID deaths,” the Mayor promised. “If no one answers the doorbell he will be authorized to record a probable number of residents and make a guesstimate of what their names are and what their responses would’ve been to the other questions on the census if they had been home when he knocked. And for efficiency’s sake, he will also register all of them to vote. And if he’s lucky he won’t get shot.”

De Blasio Announces Coordinated COVID Plan

New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio unveiled what her termed “as fully coordinated a COVID plan as this nation has ever seen. The three key elements of this plan are (1) releasing as many jail inmates as possible, (2) keeping as many children out of school as we can, and (3) guarding the Black Lives Matter slogan painted on the street in front of the Trump Tower building.”

The close confinement prisoners have to endure is a Petri dish for pathogens,” the Mayor explained. “Under my orders we have released so many inmates that we now have fewer people in our jails than any time since World War II. The number of lives I have saved among this population is incalculable.”

Our public schools are second only to our jails in terms of the risk of coming down with a disease,” de Blasio said. “Ideally, no child should be subjected to this risk. However, those who pay the taxes to support the schools are becoming resistant to paying when their kids are home all the time. They count on schools to babysit their kids. So, I am directing that schools have in-classroom sessions only two or three times per week. This will at least moderate the COVID carnage that would otherwise take place.”

Finally, I have assigned a force of 27 police officers to guard the Black Lives Matter mural around-the-clock,” he said. “This will spare protesters from the need to repaint it as they already have had to do after vandals defaced it. Secure in the knowledge that the quantity of officers available to interfere with their right to protest has been reduced, they can continue their nightly activities with less risk.”

Former Mayor Rudy Giuliani pointed out that “unfortunately for the Mayor’s aspirations, statistics do not portend success. Prisoner releases so far have coincided with a 130% increase in the number of shooting incidents in 2020 compared to 2019. Murders are up by 30%, burglaries by 118% , and auto thefts by 51%. On the school attendance issue, most virologists see little risk of COVID to children and advocate reopening schools for in-classroom instruction where they will likely be safer from predators than they would on the streets of the City. Finally, the diversion of police resources to guard the mural does nothing to stop gangsters from continuing their nightly fusillades that are taking more black lives than the much rarer incidence of police brutality ever has.”

In related news, Democratic Party strategist Michael Hopkins declared President Trump’s desire to protect suburbs from the rioting that has plagued numerous large cities to be “racist. The Affirmatively Furthering Fair Housing (AFFH) program that Vice-President Biden and the entire Democratic Party are advocating is aimed at stopping the middle class from fleeing urban trouble spots. It’s probably not practical to order these people to move back to the urban centers, but we can mandate that suburbs be consolidated within the governing authority of the major metropolitan area. This would give Mayors like de Blasio access to a broader tax base and expand the breadth of his rule over a wider geographic region.”

Mayors Back Reparations Plan

The U.S. Conference of Mayors has endorsed a Democratic plan for slavery reparations. The cost of the plan was estimated by Professors Thomas Craemer (University of Connecticut), Trevor Smith (New York University), and Brianna Harrison (University of Memphis) in a paper–“Wealth Implications of Slavery and Racial Discrimination for African American Descendants of the Enslaved”–published in the Review of Black Political Economy.

According to their calculations, the unpaid hours slaves worked, the damage done by massacres and discrimination, and the interest added to these primary costs comes to a total of $151 million owed to each living descendant of a former slave. The apportioned share owed by each current US resident who is not a descendant of a slave comes to $19 million.

Sen. Cory Booker (D-NJ) explained that “to be fair, only persons descended from slaves would be eligible to receive these reparations. Blacks whose ancestors came to this country after the emancipation would not be eligible. By way of illustration, former President Obama would not be eligible because his father was a native of Kenya who came to America in the early 1960s to attend the University of Hawaii. President Obama would be in the class of those liable for the $19 million prorated share to each US resident not descended from a former slave.”

We envision two basic options for persons to make payments,” Booker said. “First, they may pay in cash. Now obviously, not everyone will have $19 million available or the credit to borrow that much. Those who can’t afford to pay in cash will be expected to pay in-kind. A payment in-kind would entail roughly 250 years of enslavement for each individual and his progeny. This would be followed by about 100 years of reverse Jim Crow treatment. After this, Congress willing, laws could be passed to guarantee the civil rights of those who survive the 350 years of bondage and discrimination.”

Washington NFL Team Gets New Name

After years of pressure, the Washington Redskins National Football League team has agreed to change its name. As compensation for the loss of value of the team’s inventory of trademarked gear, the team will be renamed the Washington Senators and be granted the privilege of employing a filibuster play in all home games. Once the Senators’ team captain or head coach notifies the referee that the team is calling for the filibuster play the ball may not be snapped unless 60 percent of the players on the field agree to allow the ball to be snapped.

Head Coach Ron Rivera says, “I would only call for a filibuster if we are leading by a small margin late in the game. Admittedly, this play would not be very exciting in itself, but a win is a win.”

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Congressional District 3

U.S. HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES

Congressional District 3

Daniel Wood, Republican Raul Grijalva, Democrat
·         Favors: The continued building of the border wall and increased funding for more border patrol agents, upgraded equipment, and funding for local law enforcement agencies along the border.

·         Reform of our asylum laws, noting any illegal immigrant who comes into our country other than at a port of entry will be immediately returned to their country of origin. No trial or waiting period.

·         Creating more judges to speed up the asylum hearings. Over 800,000 cases in backlog.

·         End the lottery system and chain migration.

·         Enforcement of E-Verify laws. Companies and corporations who are willfully hiring illegal aliens need to be held accountable.

·         Reform of the Visa programs H-2A and H-2B.

·         The immediate return of incarcerated illegals who have committed criminal offenses to their country of origin. We should not have to pay for non-citizens in our penitentiary systems.

·         Pulling back government regulations on doctors and insurance companies will begin the process to improve the quality and efficiency of the healthcare system. In return it will bring healthy competition through innovation.

·         As a representative for CD3, I will work hard to cut government regulations and move healthcare to a free-market system. Repealing Obamacare must happen first!

 

·         The House Ethics Committee examined allegations that Rep. Raúl Grijalva created a hostile workplace. The ethics probe comes four years after the Natural Resources Committee shelled out more than $48,000 to settle a complaint by a former female staffer over a hostile work environment linked to Grijalva’s alcohol use.

·         The ethics probe comes four years after the Natural Resources Committee shelled out more than $48,000 to settle a complaint by a former female staffer over a hostile work environment linked to Grijalva’s alcohol use.

  • A leader among the far Left Democratic Socialists
  • Completely opposed to all restrictions for the health of women related to abortion
  • Voted to redefine marriage, denying children either a mother or a father
  • Fully supports the radical LGBT agenda
  • Voted against prohibition on flag desecration
  • Wants to lessen penalties on cocaine and crack cocaine offenders
  • Favors needle distribution to heroin users
  • Favors Planned Parenthood-style sex education in public schools
  • Has an anti-family voting record
  • Voted against U.S. lessening financial support of U.N.
  • Favors strict gun regulations and opposes Second Amendment
  • Wants to make health care a “right”
  • Opposes the border wall
  • Rated 0% on the border invasion by FAIR
  • Wanted to impeach former Vice-president Dick Cheney
  • Voted against removing Saddam Hussein from power in Iraq
  • Opposes requiring welfare recipients to work
  • Favors expanding Obamacare
  • Strongly opposes school vouchers, thereby trapping students in under-performing schools
  • Supports Green New Deal

Congressional Districtt 2

U.S. HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES

Congressional District 2

Republicans Democrats
Brandon Martin

·         Pledges never to raise taxes and signed the Taxpayer Protection Pledge

·         Pledges to never vote for infringement of the Second Amendment.

·         Pledges to fight diligently to end abortion and protect the sanctity of life.

·         Pledges to place a sunset clause on all unconstitutional departments and programs to expire after a period of 5-10 years and not renew them.

·         Pledges to work to abolish the 16th and 17th Amendments.

·         Pledges to end all unconstitutional wars and conflicts and stop nation-building around the world.

·         Pledges to audit the FED.

·         Pledges to reduce wasteful government spending.

·         Favors building a wall to protect the U.S. border.

·         Seeks 2-percent government spending with the exception of social security.

·         Return western states’ land to state-managed control.

Joseph Morgan

·         Supports the construction of a border fence.

·         Supports increased funding for our Border Patrol in order to increase the number of agents, provide them pay increases, and give them the means to get better, and upgraded equipment and technology

·         Supports the use of any and all methods to STOP the flow of caravans of people entering this country illegally.

·         Supports repeal of Obamacare

·         Supports private options to Medicare

·         Favors tax credits for major medical bills

·         Favors laws to prevent medical price gouging and tax deductions for expensive drugs

·         Favors increased subsidization to academic institutions for innovative research

·         Favors permanent middle-class tax cuts

·         Supports the Second Amendment

·         The sanctity of human life is the most fundamental right

Noran Ruden

·         Job creation, motivation of economic activity and prioritizing actionable spending that helps average people will be the single biggest priority for our country over the next few years.

·         Our law enforcement officers are good, honorable men & women. I support the work of those who protect us and believe we must focus our efforts on changing policies rather than slandering good people. Insightful, decisive leadership is necessary to embrace any necessary changes and to keep our community and officers safe.

·         The right to assemble is paramount and must always be protected. And yet, when those protests become pretexts to kill, maim, and destroy property, something must be said. The same rights that allow us to speak also allow our citizens to have the expectation of protection from senseless harm.

·         Change the Tone in Washington, Reduce Bitter Partisanship

·         Coyotes, drug smuggling and human trafficking are real problems. Unfortunately, many of these issues are due to a lack of enforcement of existing immigration laws. Instead, many elected officials have tried to use illegal immigration to push political agendas and create social division. The truth is a majority of Southern Arizona citizens are pro legal immigration and truly love our Mexican heritage and culture. We simply want new immigrants to be subject to the same standards of law-abiding citizens to pay taxes, accept American laws and traditions. I disagree when communities create Sanctuary Cities, ignore criminal activity and leverage a humanitarian crisis for political gain. I believe we need to enforce current immigration laws, devise a plan to address the 11 million-plus illegals in the country, and support Trump’s current enforcement strategies including a border wall. Real solutions will require both parties to work together.

·         The message is simple: Big Walls, Big Gates to promote commerce and reduce negative activity, while encouraging lawful behavior

·         I will do my part to give back to the service men and women who serve our community

·         I am a constitutional conservative with some libertarian leanings. I believe in individual liberties and will tend to avoid foreign interventions. I am pro-life, believe strongly in the second amendment, and champion smaller effective government.

Ann Kirkpatrick

 

  • Leftist, according to On The Issues
  • Supports taxpayer-funded abortion
  • Opposes parental notification of abortions for minors
  • Opposes restrictions on abortions
  • Voted against monitoring of TARP funds
  • Opposes school choice and vouchers for religious school students (though the Supreme Court ruled this constitutional)
  • Believes climate change is one of the world’s greatest threats
  • Opposes off-shore drilling
  • Supports Israel
  • Opposes voter IDs, though photo IDs are required for delegates of the Democrats’ National Convention
  • Supports the Second Amendment
  • Opposes repeal of Obamacare
  • Supports Obama’s nuclear deal with Iran
  • Supports a smart fence on the border

 

Congressional District 1

U.S. HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES

Congressional District 1

Republicans Democrats
Nolan Reidhead

  • Constitutional conservative
  • Pro-life
  • Supports the Second Amendment and Americans’ right to defend themselves
  • Supports legal immigration
  • Favors elimination of job-killing policies
  • Favors independence from China
  • Favors free speech, which is under attack from Democrats
  • Favors protection for religious liberty
  • Opposes gun control and favors Second Amendment
  • Has a legal background and supports the rule of law
  • Supports President Trump’s nominations of originalist judges
  • Opposes taxpayer funding of Planned Parenthood
  • Favors school choice
  • Plans to introduce legislation that would provide more competition among health care providers to decrease costs, protect private health insurance from government overreach, allow employers to provide more affordable health care plans for their employees, and allow individuals and families to choose plans that fit their specific needs at a more affordable price.

 

Tiffany Shedd

  • Supports a border wall, enhanced technology, more boots on the ground, and better systems to monitor who is in our country.
  • Plans to introduce legislation that matches veterans with job opportunities that relate to their military training and match volunteers with veterans organizations to provide services such as grant writing and donations. Tiffany has already spoken with leaders in law enforcement, border patrol, and construction that have pledged support for this plan. Like President Trump, Tiffany is committed to going to bat for our veterans, and ensuring they receive the treatment, care, and opportunities they so desperately need and deserve.
  • As a firearms instructor, she supports the Second Amendment
  • Will stand up against liberals’ efforts to eliminate private health insurance and give Medicare for all to illegal immigrants. Instead, she will make sure we have a patient centered and free-enterprise based system that allows families to make the choices that best fit their needs.
  • Will work with President Trump to identify and eliminate unnecessary job killing regulations, keep taxes low, the economy strong, and stop Democrats from passing the Green New Deal.
  • As a constitutional conservative Tiffany believes that we all must have the freedom to choose how we worship, how to educate our children, and the values that our families live by. As a home school mom, Tiffany makes sure that her kids are well versed in the Constitution and in the Christian roots on which our country was founded. Strongly pro-life, Tiffany will always stand up for all of those who are unable to fight for themselves.
Tom O’Halleran

  • Leftist
  • His campaign site lists accomplishments he had as a “Republican” years ago in the Arizona Legislature
  • His campaign site lists no accomplishments as a congressman
  • Boasts of his support Sen. John McCain’s and Sen. Chuck Schumer’s Gang of Eight group that sought to reward illegal aliens for violating immigration law
  • Demands taxpayer-supported abortion
  • Supports Planned Parenthood, an organization accused of refusing to report adult predators who sexually abused minors, which illegally sold dead baby body parts and puts profit over human life
  • Opposes Israel’s sovereignty
  • Supports gun control in opposition of the Second Amendment and citizens’ right to defend themselves
  • Opposes denying federal funding for sanctuary cities
  • Supports gender identity confusion

U.S. Senate Race

U.S. SENATE

Martha McSally, Republican Mark Kelly, Democrat
  • De-fund Planned Parenthood
  • Opposes public funding of abortions. (Aug 2014)
  • Opposes abortion and supports sanctity of human life
  • No taxpayer funding of abortions via ObamaCare. (Jan 2015)
  • Ban abortion after 20 weeks, except for maternal life.
  • Supports education vouchers for private schools. (Oct 2018)
  • Gives other options to kids in failing schools. (Nov 2014)
  • Supports education vouchers. (Aug 2014)
  • Opposes Common Core, according to Faith2Action. (Jul 2014)
  • Favors denying federal funding for sanctuary cities
  • Opposes federal funding for Planned Parenthood

 

 

  • Falsely believes health care is a right
  • Believes the national debt exploded because of wealthy Americans instead of placing blame on Barack Obama
  • Supports the DREAM Act
  • Blames border invasion on Washington instead of the Democrats who’ve fought for decades to keep the borders wide open for drug smugglers
  • Opposes school choice
  • Pro-abortion
  • Supports gun control
  • Believes in unfounded “global warming”
  • Accepted millions of dollars of investment from a communist Chinese company responsible for crackdowns on dissenters and censorship during the pandemic.”
  • Cozies up to Chinese communists; even the U.N. has pulled away from Chinese organizations Kelly has close ties to

Elections 2020

Candidates on the issues:

U.S. SENATE

Martha McSally, Republican Mark Kelly, Democrat
  • De-fund Planned Parenthood
  • Opposes public funding of abortions. (Aug 2014)
  • Opposes abortion and supports sanctity of human life
  • No taxpayer funding of abortions via ObamaCare. (Jan 2015)
  • Ban abortion after 20 weeks, except for maternal life.
  • Supports education vouchers for private schools. (Oct 2018)
  • Gives other options to kids in failing schools. (Nov 2014)
  • Supports education vouchers. (Aug 2014)
  • Opposes Common Core, according to Faith2Action. (Jul 2014)

 

 

  • Falsely believes health care is a right
  • Believes the national debt exploded because of wealthy Americans instead of placing blame on Barack Obama
  • Supports the DREAM Act
  • Blames border invasion on Washington instead of the Democrats who’ve fought for decades to keep the borders wide open for drug smugglers
  • Opposes school choice
  • Pro-abortion
  • Supports gun control
  • Believes in unfounded “global warming”
  • Accepted millions of dollars of investment from a communist Chinese company responsible for crackdowns on dissenters and censorship during the pandemic.”
  • Cozies up to Chinese communists; even the U.N. has pulled away from Chinese organizations Kelly has close ties to Chinese communists

U.S. HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES

Congressional District 1

Republicans Democrats
Nolan Reidhead

  • Constitutional conservative
  • Pro-life
  • Supports the Second Amendment and Americans’ right to defend themselves
  • Supports legal immigration
  • Favors elimination of job-killing policies
  • Favors independence from China
  • Favors free speech, which is under attack from Democrats
  • Favors protection for religious liberty
  • Opposes gun control and favors Second Amendment
  • Has a legal background and supports the rule of law
  • Supports President Trump’s nominations of originalist judges
  • Opposes taxpayer funding of Planned Parenthood
  • Favors school choice
  • Plans to introduce legislation that would provide more competition among health care providers to decrease costs, protect private health insurance from government overreach, allow employers to provide more affordable health care plans for their employees, and allow individuals and families to choose plans that fit their specific needs at a more affordable price.

 

Tiffany Shedd

  • Supports a border wall, enhanced technology, more boots on the ground, and better systems to monitor who is in our country.
  • Plans to introduce legislation that matches veterans with job opportunities that relate to their military training and match volunteers with veterans organizations to provide services such as grant writing and donations. Tiffany has already spoken with leaders in law enforcement, border patrol, and construction that have pledged support for this plan. Like President Trump, Tiffany is committed to going to bat for our veterans, and ensuring they receive the treatment, care, and opportunities they so desperately need and deserve.
  • As a firearms instructor, she supports the Second Amendment
  • Will stand up against liberals’ efforts to eliminate private health insurance and give Medicare for all to illegal immigrants. Instead, she will make sure we have a patient centered and free-enterprise based system that allows families to make the choices that best fit their needs.
  • Will work with President Trump to identify and eliminate unnecessary job killing regulations, keep taxes low, the economy strong, and stop Democrats from passing the Green New Deal.
  • As a constitutional conservative Tiffany believes that we all must have the freedom to choose how we worship, how to educate our children, and the values that our families live by. As a home school mom, Tiffany makes sure that her kids are well versed in the Constitution and in the Christian roots on which our country was founded. Strongly pro-life, Tiffany will always stand up for all of those who are unable to fight for themselves.
Tom O’Halleran

  • Leftist
  • His campaign site lists accomplishments he had as a “Republican” years ago in the Arizona Legislature
  • His campaign site lists no accomplishments as a congressman
  • Boasts of his support Sen. John McCain’s and Sen. Chuck Schumer’s Gang of Eight group that sought to reward illegal aliens for violating immigration law
  • Demands taxpayer-supported abortion
  • Supports Planned Parenthood, an organization accused of refusing to report adult predators who sexually abused minors, which illegally sold dead baby body parts and puts profit over human life
  • Opposes Israel’s sovereignty
  • Supports gun control in opposition of the Second Amendment and citizens’ right to defend themselves

Congressional District 2

Republicans Democrats
Brandon Martin

·         Pledges never to raise taxes and signed the Taxpayer Protection Pledge

·         Pledges to never vote for infringement of the Second Amendment.

·         Pledges to fight diligently to end abortion and protect the sanctity of life.

·         Pledges to place a sunset clause on all unconstitutional departments and programs to expire after a period of 5-10 years and not renew them.

·         Pledges to work to abolish the 16th and 17th Amendments.

·         Pledges to end all unconstitutional wars and conflicts and stop nation-building around the world.

·         Pledges to audit the FED.

·         Pledges to reduce wasteful government spending.

·         Favors building a wall to protect the U.S. border.

·         Seeks 2-percent government spending with the exception of social security.

·         Return western states’ land to state-managed control.

Joseph Morgan

·         Supports the construction of a border fence.

·         Supports increased funding for our Border Patrol in order to increase the number of agents, provide them pay increases, and give them the means to get better, and upgraded equipment and technology

·         Supports the use of any and all methods to STOP the flow of caravans of people entering this country illegally.

·         Supports repeal of Obamacare

·         Supports private options to Medicare

·         Favors tax credits for major medical bills

·         Favors laws to prevent medical price gouging and tax deductions for expensive drugs

·         Favors increased subsidization to academic institutions for innovative research

·         Favors permanent middle-class tax cuts

·         Supports the Second Amendment

·         The sanctity of human life is the most fundamental right

Noran Ruden

·         Job creation, motivation of economic activity and prioritizing actionable spending that helps average people will be the single biggest priority for our country over the next few years.

·         Our law enforcement officers are good, honorable men & women. I support the work of those who protect us and believe we must focus our efforts on changing policies rather than slandering good people. Insightful, decisive leadership is necessary to embrace any necessary changes and to keep our community and officers safe.

·         The right to assemble is paramount and must always be protected. And yet, when those protests become pretexts to kill, maim, and destroy property, something must be said. The same rights that allow us to speak also allow our citizens to have the expectation of protection from senseless harm.

·         Change the Tone in Washington, Reduce Bitter Partisanship

·         Coyotes, drug smuggling and human trafficking are real problems. Unfortunately, many of these issues are due to a lack of enforcement of existing immigration laws. Instead, many elected officials have tried to use illegal immigration to push political agendas and create social division. The truth is a majority of Southern Arizona citizens are pro legal immigration and truly love our Mexican heritage and culture. We simply want new immigrants to be subject to the same standards of law-abiding citizens to pay taxes, accept American laws and traditions. I disagree when communities create Sanctuary Cities, ignore criminal activity and leverage a humanitarian crisis for political gain. I believe we need to enforce current immigration laws, devise a plan to address the 11 million-plus illegals in the country, and support Trump’s current enforcement strategies including a border wall. Real solutions will require both parties to work together.

·         The message is simple: Big Walls, Big Gates to promote commerce and reduce negative activity, while encouraging lawful behavior

·         I will do my part to give back to the service men and women who serve our community

·         I am a constitutional conservative with some libertarian leanings. I believe in individual liberties and will tend to avoid foreign interventions. I am pro-life, believe strongly in the second amendment, and champion smaller effective government.

Ann Kirkpatrick

 

  • Leftist, according to On The Issues
  • Supports taxpayer-funded abortion
  • Opposes parental notification of abortions for minors
  • Opposes restrictions on abortions
  • Voted against monitoring of TARP funds
  • Opposes school choice and vouchers for religious school students (though the Supreme Court ruled this constitutional)
  • Believes climate change is one of the world’s greatest threats
  • Opposes off-shore drilling
  • Supports Israel
  • Opposes voter IDs, though photo IDs are required for delegates of the Democrats’ National Convention
  • Supports the Second Amendment
  • Opposes repeal of Obamacare
  • Supports Obama’s nuclear deal with Iran
  • Supports a smart fence on the border

 

Congressional District 3

Daniel Wood, Republican Raul Grijalva, Democrat
·         Favors: The continued building of the border wall and increased funding for more border patrol agents, upgraded equipment, and funding for local law enforcement agencies along the border.

·         Reform of our asylum laws, noting any illegal immigrant who comes into our country other than at a port of entry will be immediately returned to their country of origin. No trial or waiting period.

·         Creating more judges to speed up the asylum hearings. Over 800,000 cases in backlog.

·         End the lottery system and chain migration.

·         Enforcement of E-Verify laws. Companies and corporations who are willfully hiring illegal aliens need to be held accountable.

·         Reform of the Visa programs H-2A and H-2B.

·         The immediate return of incarcerated illegals who have committed criminal offenses to their country of origin. We should not have to pay for non-citizens in our penitentiary systems.

·         Pulling back government regulations on doctors and insurance companies will begin the process to improve the quality and efficiency of the healthcare system. In return it will bring healthy competition through innovation.

·         As a representative for CD3, I will work hard to cut government regulations and move healthcare to a free-market system. Repealing Obamacare must happen first!

 

·         The House Ethics Committee examined allegations that Rep. Raúl Grijalva created a hostile workplace. The ethics probe comes four years after the Natural Resources Committee shelled out more than $48,000 to settle a complaint by a former female staffer over a hostile work environment linked to Grijalva’s alcohol use.

·         The ethics probe comes four years after the Natural Resources Committee shelled out more than $48,000 to settle a complaint by a former female staffer over a hostile work environment linked to Grijalva’s alcohol use.

  • A leader among the far Left Democratic Socialists
  • Completely opposed to all restrictions for the health of women related to abortion
  • Voted to redefine marriage, denying children either a mother or a father
  • Fully supports the radical LGBT agenda
  • Voted against prohibition on flag desecration
  • Wants to lessen penalties on cocaine and crack cocaine offenders
  • Favors needle distribution to heroin users
  • Favors Planned Parenthood-style sex education in public schools
  • Has an anti-family voting record
  • Voted against U.S. lessening financial support of U.N.
  • Favors strict gun regulations and opposes Second Amendment
  • Wants to make health care a “right”
  • Opposes the border wall
  • Rated 0% on the border invasion by FAIR
  • Wanted to impeach former Vice-president Dick Cheney
  • Voted against removing Saddam Hussein from power in Iraq
  • Opposes requiring welfare recipients to work
  • Favors expanding Obamacare
  • Strongly opposes school vouchers, thereby trapping students in under-performing schools
  • Supports Green New Deal

 

Goya CEO Won’t Apologiz

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

This week Goya Foods President and CEO Bob Unanue participated in the White House Hispanic Prosperity Initiative. The Initiative asked Hispanic business owners and managers for their ideas on how the Trump Administration could help improve opportunities within the economic and educational realm for prosperity among Hispanics. Unanue’s praise for this initiative sparked a firestorm of hate from anti-Trump hysterics demanding that he apologize or face a boycott of his company’s products.

In contrast to typical corporate CEOs, Unanue held his ground and refused to apologize. “Unlike President Obama, President Trump is genuinely concerned with the prosperity of all Americans,” Unanue pointed out. “He understands that successful enterprise is what is needed to lift people out of poverty and into the ranks of the middle class and higher. His request for our input exhibited a confidence in our ability to achieve the American dream through our own efforts. The comparison with President Obama’s endless lectures asking us to accept the decline that he insisted was inevitable couldn’t be starker. I will not apologize for cooperating with President Trump in his efforts to help us help ourselves to make better lives for our people.”

The Biden campaign promised to “undo any agreements reached by any groups with the Trump Administration. Capitalism has been tried and failed. Dismantling this perverse ideology of self-reliance and replacing it with a fairer system run by the government for the good of all is something voters can count on when Joe is elected.”

2017 Memo Proves Obama Admin Knew Flynn Was Innocent

This week’s declassification of a memo written in January 2017 revealed that the Obama Administration Department of Justice and the FBI knew that Trump’s National Security Advisor Gen. Michael Flynn was neither a liar nor a Russian agent. Nevertheless, this information was concealed and Flynn was persecuted by Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s team and coerced into agreeing to a false plea of “lying to the FBI.”

Revelation of this exonerating evidence supports the recent DOJ decision to withdraw its prosecution of Flynn and dismiss the charges. However, trial Judge Emmet Sullivan is appealing the dismissal of charges to the U.S. Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit. “At this point it doesn’t matter whether the original charges against Gen. Flynn are true or false,” Sullivan argues. “He agreed to plead guilty. Allowing him to withdraw that plea is akin to allowing a poker player who has folded to a bluff to try to replay the hand. He may regret his decision not to call the bluff, but he is not entitled to escape paying the price.”

The Court of Appeals has given Judge Sullivan and the DOJ ten days to present written arguments of 3,900 words or less on why the case against Flynn should or shouldn’t be dismissed.

In related news, the FBI says it won’t release evidence related to Seth Rich’s murder and Hillary Clinton’s emails until after the November elections. Director Christopher Wray contended that “it would be unprofessional for our agency to provide information that might reflect poorly on one political party prior to voters going to the polls. In this regard, I am adhering to the behavior modeled by my predecessor James Comey when he derailed the prosecution of Hillary Clinton for illegal transmission of classified information over unsecure media prior to the 2016 elections.”

Judicial Watch Sues DC

Judicial Watch announced that it has filed a civil rights lawsuit against Mayor Muriel Bowser and other officials for First Amendment violations. The gist of the suit is that the DC government has refused to allow the organization to paint the message “Because No One Is Above the Law!” on a DC street. Previously, Black Lives Matter was allowed to paint its message on a DC street.

City streets are not an appropriate canvas for painting political messages,” Bowser said. “Considering how many political slogans can be generated, it wouldn’t be long before every street had one. Soon, the impact of every message would be diluted by the cacophony of contending ideas. This would do irreparable harm to the Black Lives Matter message I already approved.”

Then there also is the content of Judicial Watch’s proposed message that needs to be considered,” the Mayor added. “It is not a politically approved meme. It asserts an idea that would severely restrict the government’s flexibility in assessing each particular situation. There may be compelling reasons for determining that particular individuals need to be excused from obeying the law. The recent demonstrations against police brutality are a case in point. Normally, assaulting police, vandalizing property, looting stores, and burning down buildings are crimes. However, given 400 years of racist oppression can we really say that these crimes aren’t justified?”

Seattle City Council to Cut Police Budget 50 Percent

A 7-2 majority of the Seattle City Council has pledged to vote for a 50% cut in funding for the police. Council member Kshama Sawant explained that “it turns out that most of what is called ‘crime’ is just a difference of opinion between the affected parties. These kinds of disagreements are spawned by the rotten capitalistic system foisted on us by white privilege. Since we are going to replace this system with socialism it makes no sense to invest money to fund police intervention into these types of disputes.”

The Councilwoman cited the recent Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone as “an example of what a future socialist Seattle will look like. There was no paid police force. Armed volunteers patrolled the streets and implemented enlightened social justice without having the constraint of written laws. I was particularly impressed by the prevailing social rule that white residents were required to give $10 to any person-of-color who asked for it. This demonstrated that a more just redistribution of wealth could be achieved without the expense of a large bureaucracy to effect the transfer.”

Sawant’s efforts got some encouragement from House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) who called replacing professional police with local volunteers “an interesting experiment. The idea that police should reflexively oppose spontaneous action to redistribute property deserves a more thorough test than what took place over a few weeks in a few blocks of the City. We need to see what people will do when they don’t have to fear police interfering with what they want to do.”

Fauci Unfazed by Forecast Starvation

The humanitarian group Oxfam’s warning that the economic shutdowns imposed to combat the coronavirus may lead to more than 120 million additional people starving to death this year was brushed off by viral expert Dr. Anthony Fauci as “a false narrative. Look, millions of people starving to death each year is normal. The coronavirus is novel. It is incumbent that this novel threat remain the primary focus of world heath efforts.”

I am especially concerned about the rise in the number of confirmed cases that has followed the risky decision to allow nonessential businesses and activities to prematurely resume,” the Doctor lamented. “I take little comfort in the declining fatality rates among those now testing positive for the virus. Those who recover without the benefit of the vaccine that Bill Gates and I have invested our efforts in promoting will undermine public faith in the science I have been preaching for the last six months. Even worse, a relapse into dependence on the sixty-year old hydroxychloroquine drug impinges on the financial incentives for developing more expensive and redundant alternative therapies.”

Fauci saved his harshest criticism for President Trump, saying that “his eagerness to get back to normal runs the risk of throwing away much of what we have already accomplished. The level of obedience to autocratic dictates attained over the last few months has been astounding. The willingness of the average American to do as they are told is a significant breakthrough in our ‘land of the free.’ The skepticism of autocratic rule that would arise from a successful reopening of the economy will destroy the momentum of the fundamental transformation of this country that is now within our grasp.”

China Condemns Australia Safe Haven

In a bid to rescue Hong Kong residents from being oppressed by the Chinese Commuinist Government’s crackdown on dissent in the semi-autonomous region, the government of Australia has offered pathways to permanent residency for people fleeing.

China’s Ambassador Cheng Jingye denounced this offer, calling it “an infringement on our right to control our people. Unlike Australia, we are a collectivist society. All persons residing within our borders are ours to do with as we please. The attempt to impute western ideas alleging individual rights to free speech, free enterprise, and free movement to the people of Hong Kong have no merit.”

The Ambassador went on to warn that “China will assert its ownership rights to these people wherever they may flee to. Any attempt on the part of Australia to interfere may be met with the irresistible force of Chinese arms.”

CNN Loons Laugh Off Rising Crime Rates

CNN’s Chris Cuomo and Don Lemon teamed up to mock other media for reporting on the surge of violent crimes being committed in several major cities. This year, New York City has seen the worst gun violence in 25 years. Los Angeles saw a 250% increase in crime—including a 56% increase in shootings compared to last year. In Chicago, shootings were up by 76% compared to a year ago.

Lemon characterized the reporting as “racist. Black people shooting Black people is nothing new. It has been a pattern stretching back decades. To act all alarmed about it now is plays into the hands of our racist president. Likewise, the vandalism, looting, and arson accompanying the Black Lives Matter demonstrations are being cast as a major disruption of life and threat to safety. Since when has safety been something that the government should guarantee?”

Yeah,” Cuomo agreed. “Safety is something white people expect. Black people have had to live in crime-ridden neighborhoods since forever. Why shouldn’t white people have to get used to it?”

I think our colleagues on other stations and in the newspapers need to get back in line,” Lemon demanded. “The only person helped by focusing on crime rates is Trump. He’s the one campaigning for law and order. Biden and the Democrats are on-board with the idea of scaling back police and law enforcement. They’ll never get the chance to fully implement this policy if Trump and the Republicans win in November. All of us in the news business have to do our part to help Democrats retake control of the federal government.”

I’m with you on that Bro,” Cuomo added.

In related news, Cuomo assailed the concept of freedom of choice, saying that “the notion that each person should be free to choose how he wants to live is out-dated. Everything we do affects others. The only free choice that can be allowed is the freedom to make the right choice. Those who can’t do this voluntarily will have to be forced to do what’s right.”

Vandalizing Douglass Statue Defended by BLM Kook

Among the list of statues torn down during the current rage against American history was the Rochester, New York homage to Frederick Douglass. Born a slave in 1818, Douglass escaped and became one of the most eloquent opponents of slavery in America. Why was his statue torn down?

It seems that Douglass’ sin was arguing that the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution laid the groundwork for the abolition of slavery. He called for the nation to live up to the principles of equality and liberty expressed in these documents by emancipating the slaves.

Yusra Khogali, a co-founder of the Black Lives Matter chapter in Toronto, explained that “glorifying the words of slave-holder Thomas Jefferson that all men are created equal like Douglass did is unacceptable. White people are a genetic defect of blackness. They are subhuman. Black people could literally wipe out the white race if we had power. Until then I pray to Allah everyday to give me the strength to not kill white folks.”

In related news, South African Cardinal Wilfrid Fox Napier tweeted that “a brief study of the founding statement of the Black Lives Matter organization indicates the movement is being hijacked by parties committed to dismantling the very values, structures and institutions which have over the centuries undergirded the best civilizations and cultures.”

Faculty Want University Name Changed

The faculty of Washington & Lee University are uncomfortable with the name and are recommending it be changed “to better conform with contemporary sensitivities.” George Washington was an early benefactor and Robert E. Lee was a former president of the university.

The three permanent Black faculty members at the university’s law school want both names removed. Brandon Hasbrouck, an alumnus and associate professor of law suggested a compromise that would remove only Lee’s name. As for what the new name should be, opinions are divided.

History Professor Zinn Howard wants the school to be rechristened Marx & Lenin University “to more accurately reflect the direction the nation will be taking in the future. Marx was the genius who deciphered human history’s inevitable march toward a communist utopia. Lenin was the man of action who implemented the first positive step in 1917.”

Gender Studies Professor Ethel Herman feared that “Professor Howard’s suggestion might be too much, too soon. I think it might be better to take a more gradual path toward his ultimate destination. Perhaps Wilson & Roosevelt would be more acceptable. Both Woodrow Wilson and Franklin Roosevelt adapted Marx’s collectivist vision into distinctly American format.”

Student body president Alfred Neuman argued against “cramming in some new name. No famous person is without scandal of some sort. Let’s just erase both names and retain only the ampersand. The resulting ‘& University’ allows us to imagine it to be anything we want it to be.”

In related news, the faculty of Princeton University wrote a letter to the administration expressing its disgust with “the school’s rampant anti-blackness” and demanded “48 reforms”–including “ideological conformity in future faculty hiring” and “a non-white committee dedicated to purging racism from all publications—past and future.” “We must be free to teach the truth to our students without the distraction of unwarranted questioning from either students in the classroom or heretical articles in academic journals,” the letter concluded.

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

High Court Invalidates Louisiana Abortion Law

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

In a 5-4 decision, the US Supreme Court Struck down a Louisiana law requiring that persons performing abortions have admitting privileges at a nearby hospital.

In the majority opinion, Justice Stephen Breyer explained that “since the objective of an abortion is, of necessity, the death of the unborn baby it makes no sense to require that persons seeking this objective have recourse to aid that could only be intended to save a life. This applies to the doctor who has been hired expressly for the purpose of preventing the unwanted life and to the mother who has hired him.”

Breyer also took on the contingency of possible complications that could threaten the life of the aborting mother, saying that “the risk to a woman seeking to kill her unwanted child cannot be separated from the choice to have the procedure performed at a facility where there is no access to a nearby hospital. The state has no obligation to protect her from such risk should she be unwise enough in her selection of where to attempt the termination of her child.”

Joining Breyer in this decision were Justices Ruth Ginsburg, Elena Kagan, Sonia Sotomayor, and Chief Justice John Roberts.

School Org to Change Slogan

The Knowledge is Power Program (KIPP) announced it is retiring the slogan “Work hard. Be Nice.” Richard Barth, KIPP Foundation CEO, said “the amazing financial success of the Black Lives Matter (BLM) organization’s business plan of ‘Break Stuff, Get Paid’ has inspired us to rethink our message.”

Clearly, the ‘work hard and be nice’ model only works in a civilized free society.” Barth declared. “If we examine the hundred thousand years that homo sapiens have lived we observe that in only a few hundred years and in very few places have we seen free societies. The ‘break stuff and get paid’ uncivilized model has dominated human life on Earth. Rather than be out-of-step with the more basic human nature of aggression and looting we need to reevaluate how KIPP can be more relevant going forward.”

Barth acknowledged that “the ‘work hard and be nice’ approach has led to a significant lessening of poverty. However, since poverty has been the normal human condition for the vast majority of people around the world for almost the entirety of history what right do we have to try to impose prosperity on an unwilling population? In a few short weeks BLM has hauled in billions of dollars in donations from businesses trying to protect their property from further damage. Further, polls shows that nearly two-thirds of respondents say they support BLM. As scientists, we must yield to this empirical proof indicating that ‘break stuff and get paid’ better matches human nature and works for those who adopt this strategy.”

Clinton Knocks Trump’s COVID Response

In an interview with The Hollywood Reporter, loser of the 2016 presidential election Hillary Clinton boasts that “I would’ve done a better job handling the pandemic than Trump.”

First, if I had been the president when the virus struck there would have been no need to shut down the economy,” Clinton asserted. “The only reason for shutting down the economy was to deflate the economic gains in profits and jobs sparked by Trump’s tax cuts and deregulation. This unwarranted prosperity would never have happened if I were running the federal government. Dr. Fauci wouldn’t have been allowed to issue dire forecasts and the media would not have been actively campaigning for a shutdown.

Second, there wouldn’t have been a hydroxychloroquine sideshow diverting our medical efforts into a dead end therapy,” she said. “Trump’s endorsement of this unproven medication wasted valuable time that could’ve been better used to craft a uniform approach to handling the disease. His allowing individual doctors to follow independent treatments fostered inequality of results. Now, people are confused, uncertain, and skeptical of government directives. If I had been president there would have been one voice, one option, and unquestioning obedience rather than the cacophony of argument and dissent that we see today.”

You know, one of the important lessons we have learned from this crisis is that the government has the authority to discern between what is essential and what is not,” Clinton added. “The widespread acceptance of this principle among the population shows that we can finally redirect the nation’s resources toward activities of importance to the government and collective well-being. If we tell people to stay home, they will stay home. If we tell people to report neighbors who are disobeying, they will report them. The freedom fanatics who said the American people wouldn’t abide such intrusions on liberty were finally proven wrong.”

In related news, a large-scale study conducted by the Henry Ford Health System and published in the peer-reviewed International Journal of Infectious Diseases, found that among 2,541 patients hospitalized for COVID-19 those treated with hydroxychloroquine (13% fatalities) were half as likely to die as those who did not receive the drug (26.4% fatalities). Hydroxychloroquine costs $37 for 100 tablets. Strangely, Dr. Anthony Fauci is recommending the unproven alternative Remdesivir at $520 per vial and a six vial course of treatment.

Epstein Partner in Crime Arrested

Ghislaine Maxwell, the accused procurer of under-aged sex slaves for Jeffrey Epstein’s bordello for the powerful and famous, was very publicly arrested by the FBI this week.

FBI spokesperson Richard Ratsinger emphasized that “she is fully cooperating and will be naming names. No one who has participated in Epstein’s sordid exploitation of minors for the sexual pleasure of the rich and powerful can expect to escape our net.”

Ratsinger pointed out that “for those who are interested in her forthcoming testimony, she will be held in the same jail where Epstein hanged himself against his will last year. Whether Maxwell will live long enough to bring down the mighty is an open question. All we can promise is that the FBI will do its best to try to ensure an optimal outcome.”

Hillary Clinton, wife of a frequent customer of Epstein’s “Pleasure Island” sexploitation enterprise, expressed her sympathy for Ms. Maxwell, saying “I can imagine how depressed she must feel right now. I know I’d be suicidal if I were in her shoes. Seeing what happened to Jeffrey, I think it would be remarkable if she lives long enough to testify.”

Minnesota Gov Wants Feds to Pay for Riot Damage

Minnesota Gov. Tim Walz (D) is demanding that the federal government “pay its fair share for repairing the damage done in our state by the George Floyd rioters.” The damage estimate comes to $500 million.

Walz acknowledged that he had refused President Trump’s offer of assistance to quell the rioting, but still maintained that “it was the President’s obligation to override my mistaken refusal. Obviously, I severely misjudged the situation. He should have seen I wasn’t up to the job of maintaining order and stepped in. Sure, I probably would’ve denounced him for violating state’s rights and the media would’ve blasted him, but he’s got to be the bigger man and let bygones be bygones.”

Senator Holds Promotions Hostage

Sen. Tammy Duckworth (D-Ill) says she will block Senate confirmation of 1,123 senior U.S. Armed Forces promotions unless Defense Secretary Mark Esper agrees to promote Army Lt. Col. Alexander Vindman.

Vindman served on the White House National Security Council and gained fame for testifying in the House impeachment hearings that, in his opinion, Trump was too aggressively pushing Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky to investigate corruption at the Burisma corporation. Burisma also paid Hunter Biden—son of then Vice-President Joe Biden–$80,000 per month for a “no show” job on the company’s Board of Directors. Trump fired Vindman from his White House job four months ago.

Duckworth called Vindman “the most heroic member of this country’s armed forces since John Kerry. He courageously went outside of the chain of command and worked with Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Cailf) in the unsuccessful effort to remove Trump from office. It is simply wrong for any Commander in Chief to meddle in routine military matters to block Col. Vindman’s advancement.”

Esper disagreed with “Sen. Duckworth’s attempt to hold up the promotion of more than a thousand deserving officers. It is simply wrong for any member of Congress to inject herself into the process of evaluating which officers to promote at a given time. Lt. Col. Vindman will be treated like any other officer. If, in the judgment of his superior officers, he deserves promotion he will get it. The Senator’s attempt to get special treatment for one person is unacceptable interference.”

Minneapolis Diverts Money to Private Security

While defunding the police has become the cause du jour for the City Council, they have approved funds to provide personal security for members of the Council.

Council Vice President Andrea Jenkins defended the seemingly contradictory actions by insisting “there is a difference between making sure those governing the city are kept safe from harm and needlessly squandering scarce resources to fund police protection for the general public. Unlike the common people, Council members are essential to the smooth operation of the government. There are only eight of us. None can be spared. There are more than 400,000 residents of the City. We can afford to take casualties among this surplus of people.”

Furthermore, as a transsexual I am an even rarer and hence more precious member of society,” Jenkins contended. “All over the world more resources are devoted to protecting the most precious assets. Why should it be any different in our City?”

Woman Loses Internship Over Threat to Stab People

This week, Harvard graduate Claira Janover tweeted a threat saying that “the next person who has the sheer nerve, the sheer entitled caucasity, to say ‘All Lives Matter,’ I’ma stab you. I’ma stab you, and while you’re struggling and bleeding out, I’ma show you my paper cut and say, ‘My cut matters too.’“ She was surprised shortly afterward to learn that Deloitte, an accounting firm based in the United Kingdom, subsequently uninvited her to intern for them.

She then posted a tearful video in which she said “the job that I’d worked really hard to get and meant a lot to me has called me and fired me because of everything. Trump supporters took my job away from me. I have gotten death threats, rape threats, violent threats. Now my future’s entirely compromised because Trump supporters have decided to come for my life. God, this sucks. You guys suck.” This performance netted her $10,000 in donations.

Later at the daily White House press briefing, CNN’s Jim Acosta demanded to know “why Trump had Claira Janover fired.” Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany denied that Trump had anything to do with the firing. “The President only fires people who work for him and then only if they are not adequately performing their job.”

A spokesman for Deloitte denied that Trump or anyone else influenced the company’s decision to withdraw the internship offer, saying tersely that “it is simply against company policy to employ anyone who threatens to harm another person.”

Seattle Autonomous Zone Invaded

On Wednesday, Mayor Jenny Durkan finally ordered police to retake the six-by-six-block square the City had surrendered to protesters three weeks earlier. It wasn’t the fact that crimes committed in the zone were up by more than 500% compared to the previous year; it wasn’t the fact that residents trapped in the zone were subjected to nightly terror and violence; it wasn’t the squalor, garbage, and filth permeating the zone that prompted her decision. It was the fact that City Councilwoman Kshama Sawant led a mob of zone squatters in a march to the Mayor’s home that did the trick.

These people showed no regard for my safety,” Durkan complained. “I allowed them to occupy the zone. I looked the other way while they engaged in crude, lewd, and uncivilized behavior. I invented the ‘summer of love’ meme to cover the savage reality of what was taking place and they returned the favor by threatening me in my home.”

Sawant labeled Durkan “a sissy who quakes in the face of the justified rage of an oppressed people. By what right is she entitled to live in peace while others suffer? We made some noise outside her house. So what? At least we didn’t drag her out and tear her limb from limb. Nor did we burn her house down. We could’ve easily done both. Now, after us showing restraint she wants the City Council to expel me for revealing the location of her residence? That’s a pure ‘white privilege’ attitude on her part.”

In related news, Sawant blamed capitalism for the shooting of two teenagers in the autonomous zone earlier in the week. A sixteen-year old was killed and a fourteen-year wounded as they tried to enter the zone in a stolen jeep. “Look, if it weren’t for capitalism there wouldn’t be jeeps or guns,” she argued. “At worst, these two youngsters might have been stabbed or clubbed to death if capitalism had never been allowed to bring the innovations that created the motorized vehicle the youths drove and the automatic weapons the CHOP border patrol used to shoot them.”

Wife Explains Why Biden Will Win

Former Vice-President Joe Biden’s wife Jill is predicting that “Joe will get a lot of Republican votes this November. Sure he seems a bit demented from time to time, but who isn’t? As he pointed out the other day to a question from a lying dog-face reporter, he is constantly tested for cognitive decline. Most of the time he passes. I think that a majority of voters will consider that a pretty good average compared to themselves. Joe certainly knows enough to recognize that Trump’s tax cuts were a mistake. High taxes are needed to ensure that resources are used wisely rather than squandered on frivolous personal expenditures like starting a small business that is later looted and burned down by rioters. Most small businesses that aren’t looted and burned down eventually fail anyway. Joe’s plan to boost taxes will avert these failures by preventing these kind of lame-brained business ventures from ever getting started.”

In related news, Joe Biden took issue with President Trump’s suspension of H-1B visas for importing foreign workers while unemployment for Americans is so high. “H-1B foreign workers built this country,” Biden insisted. “Without them there would have been no feasible way for slave states like my home state of Delaware to import the labor needed to man the plantations crucial to our economy in the past or the convenience market and donut vendors crucial to the workingman’s diet today. Undoing this suspension will be one of my first acts as this country’s new president in 2021.”

Gov Regrets Not Releasing Inmate

The passing of 74-year-old death row inmate Richard Stitely due to COVID-19 hit Gov Gavin Newsom (D-Calif) hard this week. “I could have saved him,” the teary-eyed Governor lamented. “Normally, death row prisoners live for decades. Poor Richard’s untimely demise after only ten years was a sad twist of fate. If only I had released him like I have released so many others—more than 3,000 I think—to spare them from the coronavirus he could right now be walking the streets and doing the things he loved when he was alive and a free man.”

Maybe I shouldn’t be so glum,” the Governor admitted. “Not everything went bad this week. After all, I was able to issue an executive order banning singing in church. And my Plumpjack Winery was one of the few in the state to escape being ordered to shutdown. So, on balance, I guess the week was more good than bad.”

Trump’s Opposition to Riots “Politically Motivated”

Former President Obama blasted President Trump’s opposition to the riots sweeping the country, calling it “politically motivated. Obviously, the chaos in our streets hurts Trump’s reelection hopes. The polls clearly show this situation to be pushing voters toward Vice-President Biden. Rather than continue to denounce those intent on destroying the old America, President Trump should strive to unify the country by joining Joe to support this transformation to a new normal.”

Obama’s position was applauded by Iranian Ayatollah Lotfollah Dezhkam: “We too congratulate those who are carrying out the ‘death to America’ wishes of every righteous Muslim. It is good to see that our great friend Barack Obama has once again entered the battle for Islamic supremacy.”

Schiff Boosts Trump’s Reelection Chances

With polls showing a double-digit lead for Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden over President Donald Trump, House Intelligence Committee Chairman Adam Schiff (D-Calif) announced that he will move to Canada if Trump wins in November.

Schiff’s staff were reportedly dismayed by this announcement. In an off-the-record comment, staff member Patrick Boland observed that “as hated as Schiff is among Trump’s base of deplorables, the chance that they might get him to leave will undoubtedly energize them. We don’t think it will be enough to overcome Biden’s big lead, but stranger things have happened. Adam’s word doesn’t count for much with the average voter outside of his district. They might think that he’s lying about leaving. After all, none of the people who threatened to leave if Trump won in 2016 have actually followed through.”

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

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