By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

According to a poll conducted by the Public Affairs Council, only 29 percent of voters think the November elections will be conducted fairly. Public Affairs Council President Doug Pinkham said “we’ve never seen an American election with so much doubt about whether the results will reflect the will of the voters.” Oddly, similar doubts expressed by President Trump spurred Democrat and media outrage. They contend that Trump’s doubts are evidence of his opposition to democracy.

It’s not as if there isn’t any evidence supporting concerns about the integrity of the upcoming elections. While FBI Director Christopher Wray may be unable to see any worrying indications that this year’s elections might not be as honest as they should be, disturbing reports abound. A few of those recently reported are shown below.

In Texas, a vote-harvesting scheme during the state’s 2018 primary election found corrupt Democratic Party officials arrange to have ineligible people mailed absentee ballots. A grand jury indicted County Commissioner Shannon Brown Marlena Jackson, Charlie Burns and DeWayne Ward on 134-counts of fraud.

In Virginia, 1,400 voters received more than one vote-by-mail ballot. Fairfax County Registrar Gary Scott blamed a printing malfunction: “instead of just reprinting the mailing labels mangled by the machinery, election workers inadvertently used the salvageable ones from the mangled sheet plus a total reprint of the whole sheet.” While he called the mishap “an honest mistake,” he admitted that “the duplicates could be used by an unscrupulous person to cast additional ballots.”

In California, thousands of vote-by-mail ballots were found in a garbage dumpster in Petaluma. In Pennsylvania, nine mail-in ballots for Trump were found in the trash. In Wisconsin, trays of mail including absentee ballots were found in a ditch. A Public Interest Legal Foundation voter roll study found 350,000 deceased voters still registered as eligible to vote, 38,000 duplicate registrations, and 34,000 votes cast from addresses different from those on their voter registrations.

Despite this evidence, MSNBC’s Chuck Todd alleges that “vote by mail fraud is a made up story.” CNN’s Alisyn Camerota called the evidence “mere hiccups in a democracy as large as ours is. The fact of the matter is that the country is pretty evenly split between the major Parties. The actual margin of victory is likely to be very thin. Making a big deal over who comes out on top and whether duplicate or ineligible votes were cast seems overblown. Either way, the country is going to get a president that roughly half the voters voted against.”

Schiff Advises Republicans to Ditch Trump

House Intelligence Committee Chairman Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) advised Republicans “to disassociate themselves from the Trump Administration lest they go down with the ship. The whole world is against Trump. He can’t survive the November elections. Members of his Party who resign now may be spared the wrath that awaits Trump bitter-enders next January. As I see it, their basic choice is resignation now or incarceration later.”

Schiff dismissed Trump’s concerns about vote irregularities, saying that “irregularities have been part of the process since the beginning of elections in this country. If Trump had been in politics as long as the rest of us have he would have a better understanding about how things have worked over the decades and centuries. Other, more experienced Republicans are hip to how elections work. I suggest these elder statesmen reassert control over their Party. Since the days of FDR Republicans have done very well as the minority Party. Salvaging that long-term role would be better than being annihilated, which is where they’re headed by staying loyal to Trump.”

Dems Warns Against Filling Court Vacancy

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) warned Trump to not fill the Supreme Court vacancy left by the death of long-serving Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg. She went on to ironically claim that “the appointment of a successor who does not share the same perspective on abortion rights will signal that the Republicans are coming after our children.”

The reality is that during her time on the Court Ginsburg was a staunch opponent of any limitations on abortion. She helped steer the Court to strike down many state statutes that sought to limit the carnage wrought against the tiniest humans. Her replacement by almost anyone else would seem to make the womb a much less dangerous place. Making the womb a less dangerous place was the motivation for President Trump to sign an executive order banning the murder of babies who survive an attempted abortion.

Pelosi questioned Trump’s sincerity, asserting that “the only reason he wants to save these unwanted lives is to win votes. Remember, before he ran for president he, like most New Yorkers, was pro-choice. We already have the Born-Alive Infants Protection Act that was enacted by Congress and signed into law by President Bush in 2002. Why do we now need an Executive Order?”

Perhaps we need the Executive Order because the 2002 law is widely ignored. Last year, Gov. Ralph Northam (D-Va) admitted that the law is not enforced in his state. “The normal practice is for the aborting doctors to simply allow babies to die if they were erroneously born in an attempted abortion,” he said. “The key words that allow us to ignore the law are ‘born alive.’ The survivor of an abortion is, in our view, not properly ‘born.’ It is merely a result of a botched medical procedure. Trump’s Executive Order has the same defect. Consequently, we hold that neither the 2002 Law nor the recent Executive Order can be used to compel life-saving interventions to be performed. For the feds to try to enforce either would be the most blatant trampling of Virginia’s state’s rights since Lincoln was president.”

Biden Boasts: “I Beat the Socialist”

Democratic presidential nominee former Vice-President Joe Biden rebuffed charges that his proposed policies are “socialist” by pointing out that “I beat the socialist in the primary. After my South Carolina primary win drove all the other candidates from the race it was one-on-one between me and Bernie. I whipped him good.”

“You know, never once have I read the term socialist or socialism off the teleprompter I use to make my campaign speeches and answer interview questions,” the Candidate recalled. “I think the absence of those words pretty definitively proves I’m not a socialist. As for the allegation that I am stealing Bernie’s ideas that’s malarkey. When you win you are entitled to the spoils of war. Cadging his ideas and forcing him to be my campaign adviser shows the American voters who is the boss. It’s my greatest coup since I stole Neil Kinnock’s life story for my 1988 presidential campaign.”

In related news, Biden unveiled what he called “a simpler and more hip Pledge of Allegiance. It goes ‘I pledge allegiance to the United States of America, one nation, indivisible, under God, for real.’ It’s shorter and cuts out that conditional stuff committing the nation to liberty and justice for all. A democracy shouldn’t have permanent values. Each generation of voters has the right to define the purposes of their government. Liberty may be of little worth to someone still harboring grievances for what happened to his ancestors and justice is in the eye of the beholder.”

Whether there will be any Americans alive to recite his new Pledge has the Candidate very worried. “This year alone over 150 million Americans have been shot to death,” Biden said. “And another 200 million could be dead of the COVID virus before the end of the year. The only upside to these tragedies is that social distancing will be optimally attained.”

Harris Re-Imagines Public Safety

Democratic Vice Presidential nominee Sen. Kamala Harris (Calif) contends that “the idea that calling on police to keep our communities safe is necessary or proper is out-dated. It is founded on the idea that force must be met by counter-force to keep criminals from victimizing the innocent. If we use a more progressive way of thinking the first thing we realize is that no one is innocent. A person who appears to be the victim of a criminal may have had ancestors who committed crimes against the ancestors of today’s apparent criminal. What Republicans call a crime may be just retribution for the earlier transgression.”

“I my mind, the majority of the violence in encounters with so-called criminals arises when the so-called victim resists just retribution,” Harris said. “Who’s to say that the money demanded isn’t more rightfully the property of the person making the request? Who’s to say that the sex sought by the so-called rapist isn’t fully deserved? Once we open our minds to these and similar possibilities we can understand that there may be better ways to achieve public safety than having police intervene.”

“In a Harris-Biden Administration our focus will be directed toward mediation of disagreements that are currently categorized as ‘crimes,’” the Candidate promised. “Persons currently stigmatized as ‘criminals’ for demanding something that the so-called victim would rather not provide will be rescued and uplifted by our Administration in much the same way that persons who disdained to be self-supporting were succored by President Johnson’s Great Society program that provided government housing, food stamps, and cash income. Once the segment of society that now has to take independent action to get what they want knows that the government is on their side their need to prey directly on others will subside.”

A possible preview of a re-imagined public safety paradigm is being tried out in Seattle where the City is paying former pimp Andrè Taylor $150,000 a year to work as a “street czar” and come up with alternatives to relying on police to keep order. Taylor says his “past experiences dealing with lawbreakers make me the perfect guy to negotiate a truce among the gangs. I figure if we give each gang a fair share of the action most of the bloodshed can be eliminated. The cops could never accomplish this.”

Meanwhile, New York Attorney General Letitia James (D) has a plan for reducing the violent confrontations between cops and criminals that often leads to someone getting killed. “It seems to me that if we eliminate traffic stops the killings will also stop,” James observed. “Basically, once a suspect is in his car, the cops should let him get away. This would end deadly car chases and avoid the shootouts that often occur once the suspect’s car is caught or disabled.” James says that “we should rely more on social pressure and guilty consciences to persuade suspects to give themselves up in a peaceable manner.”

Bloomberg Launches Vote-Buying Scheme

Desperate to block President Trump’s reelection, former Democratic presidential candidate and New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg has decided to pay the monetary penalties of Florida’s convicted felons so they can vote for Joe Biden. “When the Florida Court ruled that sentence completion included paying monetary restitution to the victims of their crimes I knew I had to step in if the Democratic Party hoped to turn these potential voters into actual voters,” Bloomberg said. “I have billions to spare for a good cause and this is as good a cause as I can think of.”

Florida Attorney General Ashley Moody contends that “Bloomberg’s plan violates Florida’s statute against paying for votes” and has asked the Florida Department of Law Enforcement and the FBI to initiate a criminal investigation of the scheme. House Judiciary Committee member Matt Gaetz (R-Fla) characterized Bloomberg’s ploy as “bribing people to vote a certain way.”

Bloomberg denied that he “is buying votes or bribing felons to vote a certain way. I have no means of compelling the recipients of my generosity to even cast a vote. My money merely wipes out their legal obligations under the state’s laws. In many cases this relieves them of tens of thousands of dollars in debt. They can then return the favor by voting Democrat and swing Florida’s electoral votes to the Biden-Harris ticket, but there is no enforceable quid-pro-quo, so there is no crime on my part.”

Bloomberg further insisted that his action “is a necessary counter to Trump’s efforts to steal black votes from Democrats. Every other Republican has had the decency to respect the Democratic Party’s ownership of the black vote. But Trump has stepped over the line with his opportunity zone districts, support of historically black colleges, and prison reform. His economic policies drove black unemployment rates to historic lows. These actions on his part have caused many blacks to rethink their loyalty to the Democratic Party. My bid to shore up the black felon vote for Democrats is payback for Trump’s invasion of our territory.”

Dem Pushes Anti-Ballot-Harvesting Law

Concerned that ballot-harvesting poses a real threat to the integrity of elections, Rep. Tulsi Gabbard (D-Hawaii) is cosponsoring HR8285, the Election Fraud Prevention Act. This legislation calls for withholding federal funds from states that refuse to ban ballot-harvesting.

“Look, ballot-harvesting breaks the chain of custody of ballots,” Gabbard pointed out. “When voters cast their ballots at the polls they show an ID and sign a registry. When voters send their ballots through the mail, no one touches them except postal workers. But where ballot-harvesting is allowed sleazy political operatives target vulnerable voters in their homes and collect their ballots. Once a ballot is in their hands it can be manipulated however they like. Just as the chain of custody for evidence of a crime must be secure to ensure that the evidence is not tampered with, so too must the chain of custody for ballots be secure.”

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) vowed to prevent Gabbard’s bill “from ever getting to the floor of the House. If you actually read her bill you will see that it is cosponsored by Rep. Rodney Davis (R-Ill). As far as I’m concerned, Tulsi’s collaborating with the enemy renders this proposal unacceptable. If she hopes to get along with me she must go along with me and vote the way we want her to vote rather than conspiring to undermine our Party’s quest for power.”

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Democratic vice-presidential candidate Sen. Kamala Harris (Calif) thinks “it is improper for persons actively engaged in running for office to be investigated while the voting is underway. In fact, I believe there is something in the Constitution that prohibits any incumbent office holder, of which I am one, from being held to account for any statement or action carried out while in office. This makes the Durham investigation especially problematic because many of the primary suspects either are or were acting at the behest of Democratic public officials. And any release of information prior to November third risks biasing the voters against that Party.”

“In my mind, the only acceptable way to handle such a sensitive issue is to wait until voters choose the next president,” Harris argued. “Then the person elected as president will have a mandate to determine whether to go forward with any further inquiries or to terminate them. There is no need to complicate an already weighty decision by introducing evidence that may well be throw out by a Harris-Biden Administration.”

“The good of the country must come ahead of any abstract notions of blind justice,” Harris added. “It will be hard for the people to unite behind us if premature revelations tarnish the character or credibility of past, present, or future Democratic leaders. And as Joe has said many times, nothing tops unity when it comes to governing a nation as diverse as ours. It is better to be unified behind a bad plan than to be constantly bickering over competing alternatives.”

In related news, Sen. Mitt Romney (R-Ut) endorsed Harris” position, saying “it is unseemly for the government to be investigating any public servant. On the one hand, those carrying out the orders of those above them are merely loyal aides who should be exempt from scrutiny for merely following the orders of a superior. On the other hand, the superiors giving the orders must have as wide a degree of action as is humanly possible so that what is best will not be stymied by rigid adherence to out-dated moral or legal scruples.”

Schumer Wants Taxpayers to Fund Broadway

Citing the $15 billion that Broadway show businesses contribute to the New York economy each year, Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) wants the federal government to dip into the pockets of taxpayers “to make up for the losses that ensued after we ordered these businesses shut down due to the COVID menace.”

The Senator maintains that “now is no time to argue over whether the shutdowns were necessary. What’s already been done cannot be undone. Neither is simply allowing these businesses to decide whether it is safe enough for them to reopen their doors. The idea that a largely ignorant sector comprised of businesses and their customers should be free to make their own determination of what is or isn’t safe is irresponsible. It is for us in government to make such a determination and apply it to everyone everywhere.”

“By having the federal government replace some of the revenues the Broadway businesses could have earned from paying customers we can provide an income for the currently idle 100,000 Broadway employees,” the Senator pointed out. “That way this world famous icon of the New York City urban lifestyle can be preserved. I know critics will balk at compelling people who never had or wanted an opportunity to see a Broadway play to support this industry. They will say that it is unfair. But I say the world needs culture and it is government’s role to see that it gets it.”

Biden’s Town Hall Adventure

Democratic presidential candidate former Vice-President Joe Biden told CNN’s Anderson Cooper and town hall viewers that “China is not our enemy. If they were they wouldn’t have given my son a billion-dollar deal. I’ll grant you that China hasn’t been a perfect global citizen. From time to time they’ve stolen our technology. And every deadly respiratory virus seems to emanate from there. But these are all minor flaws—mistakes and bad luck that could’ve happened to anyone.”

In a response to a potato farmer’s question about why there are so many unnecessary regulations impeding her work, Biden advised the woman to “get a job hauling chicken manure. You get out from the stress and aggravation of running your own business. You’ll meet a lot of interesting people at truck stops all across the land. You also can join the truckers’ union, which will provide a lot of benefits plus the security of knowing you are part of a larger collective that will get prime service from a Harris-Biden Administration.”

Biden then segued into a declaration that “my advisers now tell me that I can mandate a nationwide mask requirement for our national parks. I think this would set a good example for other government authorities to emulate. If the nation’s president is willing to order everyone visiting our parks to wear a mask at all times people will know they have a president who means business. Coupled with hefty fines I will impose people will be brought into line with what the scientists have all been recommending for months.”

The Candidate went on to belittle objections to the stringent lockdowns imposed in many states and cities, calling them “sick. These intrusions on civil liberties are a small price to pay for the security of knowing you won’t get sick if you obey the directives. Trump’s refusal to make universal lockdowns a federal policy was totally irresponsible and close to criminal. In fact, if Trump had instituted a total nationwide lockdown all those who subsequently died from COVID would be alive today. So, we will be looking into prosecuting Trump and all his enablers once we’ve taken over in Washington.”

Biden also insisted that his campaign app that exposed personal data on 191 million Americans “proves that mine will be the most transparent administration in this country’s history. By the time I’m done everyone will be able to find out everything about anybody. No one will have secrets they can conceal. We’ll all be one big happy family.”

In related news, Joe Biden’s wife Jill says “voting for my husband will make the pandemic go away. The whole reason we’re making it a big issue now is to win the election. Once that goal is achieved there’ll be no reason to continue belaboring the issue. Trump will be gone and things can return to the way they were when President Obama ruled America.”

20 Percent of Millennials Say Jews Caused Holocaust

A survey of Millennials and Generation Z residing in New York told pollsters that Jews caused the Holocaust. This is despite the voluminous pile of evidence confirming that it was the Jews who were victimized by the Nazis in history’s most horrific persecution of a religious/ethnic minority. Unsurprisingly, 60% of these ignoramuses were also unaware that six million Jews were murdered by this criminal German regime.

Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-Minn) urged that “we should not be so quick to blame these youngsters. The Quran warns us that Jews are the most devious and deceitful creatures on Earth. No one has proved to my satisfaction that the Holocaust was not a hoax or that the claimed death toll wasn’t outrageously exaggerated. Maybe the thousands of Jews killed by the Allied bombing attacks were blamed on the Germans to deflect responsibility for that American war crime.”

“I think we need to keep an open mind about events that have been heavily propagandized by the western powers, particularly the United States,” Omar said. “Fortunately, polls in Europe, the United States, and other parts of the world show that a growing percentage of people are becoming more skeptical about the fantastic claims made by the Jewish apologists. I look forward to the day when a truly progressive transformation of the American government can cut through all the Jewish lies and expose the real truth about who is really behind all the evil and tragic events in the world.”

Fellow “Squad” member Rep. Alexandria Ocasio Cortez (D-NY) stood by her pal Omar and emphasized “the importance of electing the Harris-Biden team in November. Senator Harris is the most progressive senator in Congress and Vice-President Biden is so weak that it will be child’s play to bend him to our will. This election is our best opportunity yet to impose an impregnable progressive power structure on top of a faltering white supremacy.”

Meanwhile, in a smear campaign emulating the style of the Nazi newspaper Der Stürmer, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s House Majority PAC put out a political mailer portraying Republican candidate for New Jersey’s third congressional district David Richter as a money grubber with a digitally altered photo showing wads of cash sticking out of every pocket in his suit jacket. Brad Komar, the House Majority PAC Independent Expenditure director called the resemblance to Nazi anti-Jewish propaganda “unfortunate. We are targeting his greed, not his religion. The fact that Richter is a Jew is just a coincidence.”

Nashville Mayor Hid COVID Data

Leaked internal emails show that Nashville Mayor John Cooper’s administration purposely concealed data indicating that bars and restaurants are not a major source of the spread of COVID in the City. This reality conflicts with the Mayor’s insistence that severe restrictions on how many customers bars and restaurants may serve must stay in place.

Cooper maintains that “I had very good reasons for what we did. First of all, alcohol consumption is bad for your health. Anything that makes it harder to imbibe alcohol improves public health. Second, allowing bars to return to normal would excessively stimulate the City’s economy at a time when such stimulation would tend to bolster Trump’s chances of reelection. With less than two months to go until election day it would be foolish to let up the pressure by letting on that bars and restaurants aren’t as risky as we have everyone believing.”

“Finally, let me point out that I am not the ‘Lone Ranger’ on this,” Cooper said. “Democratic mayors and governors all across the country have done something very similar. All of us pulling together against a common enemy is the kind of unity needed to ensure that the right people keep control over the obstreperous behavior of those among us who put individual freedom ahead of social cohesion. Our objective is too important to let failure be an option. We will achieve our goal by whatever means necessary.”

China Says US Trade Policy “Naked Act of Bullying”

A spokesman for the Chinese Foreign Ministry protested the US ban on products produced by slave labor calling it “a naked act of bullying.” The U.S. Policy places limits on importing cotton, apparel, hair products, and other goods from companies reasonably believed to be engaging in slave labor in China.

The US restrictions were in response to reports that Xinjiang, China’s westernmost province, is home to over 1,000 concentration camps where as many as 3 million Muslims are imprisoned and forced to produce the cited merchandise. The reports also contain tales of indoctrination, torture, rape, forced sterilization, and slavery.

Chinese Foreign Ministry spokesman Wang Wenbin characterized the US policy as “interfering with our internal affairs. How our people are housed and employed is a matter for our discretion. The US has no right to impose decadent western notions of individualism and freedom on other countries. Such actions will only strengthen the hand of the hard-liners in China who want war with the United States. It is our advice that America voluntarily and peacefully yield to our demands before we are compelled to use force to achieve our goal of global hegemony.”

Trump’s Mid-East Deals Upend Decades of Failed US Foreign Policy

Defying expert predictions that it couldn’t be done, President Trump’s Administration has brokered peace treaties between Israel, the United Arab Emirates, and Bahrain. Several other countries including Saudi Arabia are expected to sign similar treaties with Israel in the next few months.

Former Obama Administration CIA Director John Brennan called the treaties “a wrong turn on a long and winding road. It has always been considered that peace in the region cannot be attained without the consent of the Palestinians. President Clinton knew that. President Bush knew that. President Obama knew that. The Palestinians’ refusal to agree to anything—even acceding to their every demand—has blocked any positive progress for decades. I don’t see how an inexperienced and ignorant Donald Trump can change that no matter how many Muslim countries sign on to these peace treaties with Israel.”

Jared Kushner, who has been the Trump Administration’s point man in negotiating these treaties, said “the people of this region are tired of war. They are not going to be content to be continually denied peace by allowing the fanatics who control the Gaza strip to veto every effort to normalize relationships between their countries and Israel. These deals are a real breakthrough. It should not be surprising that President Trump has been nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize for accomplishing them.”

Minneapolis Leaders Say “Police Being Obtuse”

Minneapolis Council President Lisa Bender expressed her dismay at the lack of adequate law enforcement in the City. “I know we reduced their budget and told them to ‘stand down’ when protests turned into riots and looting, but we didn’t expect things to get so bad,” she lamented. “I think it’s a case of them being purposely obtuse. Their place in the pecking order is below us. It’s their job to make us look good.”

“What they are intentionally misunderstanding is that most of what we said about defunding, disciplining, and prosecuting cops was to shore up our support among the progressive political segment of the voting population,” Bender explained. “Yes, we made the police the scapegoats for everything that goes wrong in a confrontation with violent offenders, but it is their job to take the blame if that’s what we want. They answer to us. We still expect them to have a sense of duty that impels them to serve and protect. This means putting their careers and lives on the line on a daily basis. When we need to cash in on this sense of duty they owe it to us to make the sacrifice that will deflect criticism away from the City Council so we can continue to rule the City.”

Police Chief Medaria Arradondo said he will “look into the issues raised by the Council, but I’m not sure I can sell the members of the police force on the idea that they’re all supposed to be the Council’s whipping boys as a matter of political obligation. As I now understand it, the Council’s ‘stand down’ order apparently means ‘bend over and take it.’ I predict there will be more retirements and resignations from the force and more crime in the streets. That sounds like a bad thing to me, but what do I know. I’m just a cop.”

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.