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By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

The Biden Administration’s dispersal of illegal immigrant children around the country, dumping them in cities in the middle of the night without food and places to stay faced stern criticisms from Republicans.

Sen. Marsha Blackburn (R-Tenn) called the midnight unloading of hundreds of immigrants in Chattanooga “absolutely unacceptable. This is not a coherent plan for dealing with this issue. It’s an abuse of power and a human tragedy. What are these immigrants supposed to do in a city where they don’t speak the language, don’t have anyone to help them find a place to stay and get food?”

Sen. Bill Hagerty (R-Tenn) warned that this practice “unfairly burdens the community and presents added risks of crime and disease. None of these immigrants have been screened for COVID or other diseases. The absence of a plan to meet basic needs virtually forces them to steal or beg just to survive.”

Customs and Border Patrol Acting Commissioner Troy Miller called GOP complaints “ignorant carping. First, we had to sneak these children in because Gov. Lee had already announced his opposition to receiving these immigrants. Second, the living conditions in the border holding cells are horribly overcrowded, filthy, and ripe for the spread of disease and sexual abuse. Setting these children free in a city seems the more humane option.”

Miller also characterized the waiving of the legal requirement for these illegal immigrants to appear in court as “a logical response to the reality that only a tiny number will actually show up for their court date. Why bear the expense and paperwork of continuing the charade of a legal procedure? The best we can hope for is that they somehow adapt and find a way to live without turning to crime.”

In related news, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) and 34 other members of Congress signed a letter calling the selective deportation of illegal immigrants who are criminals “racist. Just because a person has a criminal record in his country of origin doesn’t prove he is a danger to Americans. Using felony convictions in their native land as grounds for denying them entry to the United States is discriminatory. The fact that they may face immediate reincarceration on their return makes them ideal candidates for asylum. Giving them a fresh start here is the least we can do.”

Pelosi Calls Colleagues Untrustworthy

Though the COVID pandemic is clearly waning, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) refuses to relinquish dictatorial control over members of Congress. While the Center for Disease Control (CDC) has advised that wearing masks is no longer necessary for those who have been vaccinated, the Speaker maintains that “masks must still be worn. A person may say he has been vaccinated when he hasn’t been. I’d like to believe we are all persons of honor here, but realistically, we’re members of a profession where honesty is not an asset.”

Of particular concern are the Republicans. “These people have lied about the election,” Pelosi said. “They called for their supporters to attack the Capitol. They conspired with Russia to help Trump steal the 2016 election from Hillary. How could any sane person trust them to tell the truth about their vaccination status? A more rational option would be to bar all Republicans from the House floor until each one of them can prove to my satisfaction that they’ve gotten the jab.”

The COVID vaccines have not gone through the standard Food & Drug Administration testing for safety and effectiveness. They are “experimental drugs” and only approved for use in an emergency. Coercing individuals to submit to medical experiments without their freely given consent was one of the crimes committed by the Nazis.

Pelosi insists that her demands “are nothing like what the Nazis did. Barring a person from participating in government if he doesn’t follow the requirements set by me isn’t coercion. Being a member of Congress is not a right guaranteed by the Constitution. It is a privilege granted if certain conditions are met. One of those, of course, is that voters must elect that person. Another is that I, as Speaker, must guard the safety and health of every member. This includes keeping anyone who could threaten the health and safety of others from entering the safe zone perimeter. Those I block from entry are not coerced. They are still free to live their lives as ordinary citizens outside of government.”

Pelosi went on to point out that “I am not an outlier on this matter. For one, the Oregon Health Authority is requiring all businesses, workplaces and houses of worship to verify the vaccination status of every person attempting to enter the premises. And the British Army is requiring all military personnel to be vaccinated or be punished. So, I’m right in the mainstream of thought on this subject.”

In related news, Gov. Tom Wolf (D-PA) has heroically defied the will of voters by extending his emergency powers. This is despite the passage of two state contitution amendments in Tuesday’s primary ballot. One of them ends a governor’s emergency disaster declaration after 21 days unless the legislature votes to extend it. This replaces the 90-day emergency that a governor could unilaterally declare and extend. The other amendment eliminated the governor’s power to veto a legislatively enacted end to an emergency. Wolf observed “they can pass whatever they want, but who is going to enforce it? The State Police report to me. They will carry out my orders. The legislature has no one to counter the control I have.”

Was COVID a Bio-Weapon?

The suspicion that COVID was a designed as a biological weapon is mounting. Despite pooh-poohing from Dr. Anthony Fauci over the last year or so, Republicans insist that there is considerable circumstantial evidence to support this suspicion.

House Intelligence Committee ranking member Rep. Devin Nunes (R-Calif) said “there are serious questions that need answers. There were warnings from U.S. diplomats in China that the Wuhan lab was working on dangerous biological experiments for the Chinese military. There was also a circuitous routing of federal dollars from the National Institute for Health—the agency for which Dr. Fauci works—to the Wuhan lab for ‘gain-of-function’ research, which essentially is how to make a virus more deadly. In contrast, there is no evidence to support the claim that COVID originated naturally.”

Under questioning from Sen. John Kennedy (R-LA), Center for Disease Control Director Rochelle Walensky admitted that “the bat-eating origin story seems a bit lame at this point.” Two factors that may have contributed to Walensky’s changing perspective were a University of Hamburg study concluding that a leak from the Wuhan lab was the most likely cause of the COVID pandemic and a boast by Chen Ping, a Senior Researcher at the China Institute of Fudan University, that “China’s superior bio-warfare research has dealt the United States a severe blow.”

Meanwhile, Ivermectin—one of the medications explicitly disapproved by the CDC for treating COVID—has been having a significant positive impact on those receiving it in India. Further, a study published by the Front Line COVID-19 Critical Care Alliance (FLCCC) found that in 18 randomized controlled treatment trials there were large, statistically significant reductions in mortality and time to recovery using Ivermectin therapy. Another FLCCC report criticized public health agencies’ widespread disinformation campaign against Ivermectin. Finally, a World Health Organization meta-analysis of Ivermectin found a highly significant 75% reduction in COVID mortality, based on randomized controlled trials.

Nevertheless, Dr. Fauci said “I stand by my original objection to using Ivermectin for treating COVID patients. If we had allowed this inexpensive therapy to be widely deployed we would never have gotten President Trump to expedite the development and emergency use approval for the COVID vaccines, nor been able to frighten so many millions to unquestioningly accept being vaccinated. Not only have these vaccines proven immensely profitable for the companies that sell them, but the vaccine campaign has helped unify the country behind President Biden and his program to rebuild America into a progressive social democracy.”

Dems Condemn Israeli War Crimes

Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-Minn) warned that “the cease-fire agreed to by Israel must not be permitted to obscure its responsibility for the war crimes it committed against the Palestinians. Their practice of urging civilians to evacuate the target zones for Israeli air strikes doesn’t excuse the fact that these bombings are acts of aggression against the righteous efforts of freedom fighters to dislodge the illegal occupiers of Muslim lands.”

Rep. Rashida Tlaib (D-Mich) expressed a similar message, calling Israel’s retaliation for the thousands of Hamas rockets into heavily populated areas within Israel “totally unwarranted. The attempt to exterminate the Jewish invaders of Muslim property is a just cause. Opposing a just cause is a war crime. Israel’s complaint that the Hamas missiles are indiscriminately killing innocent non-combatants is false. Since Jews are the source of problems all over the world none of them are innocent.”

Press Secretary Jen Psaki praised President Biden’s foresight in the matter, saying “if he hadn’t restored the $200 million in aid to Palestine that Trump had previously cut off Hamas wouldn’t have been able to afford the rockets they needed to bombard Israel. Unfortunately, the aid that the United States has given to Israel has enabled them to deploy superior weaponry that can more accurately pinpoint military targets. This imbalance created an unlevel playing field and enabled a disproportionate Israeli retaliation for the indiscriminate Hamas rocket attacks. The equalization of firepower is one of the issues that must be addressed and remedied going forward.”

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) hailed Biden’s leadership, saying “without his steady hand who knows what might have happened. We need a long-term solution. I understand that many years ago there was a plan to move all the world’s Jews to Madagascar. We should dig that up, modernize it, and implement it. Only by putting miles of ocean between the Jews and everyone else can there be any hope for lasting peace.”

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. Please do us a favor. If you use material created by Mr. Semmens, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

This week the Center for Disease Control (CDC) announced that individuals who have been fully vaccinated against COVID need not wear masks or observe social distancing rules. Director Dr. Rochelle Walensky observed that “since the vaccinations provide the best possible defense against COVID, the essentially ineffective masks and social distancing measures are no longer necessary.” Not wanting to get crosswise with other government authorities, Walensky cautioned that “enforcing mask-wearing and social distancing rules is still up to local, state and federal dictates.”

The governors of Massachusetts, New York, New Jersey, North Carolina, and Virginia, and the mayors of New York City and Washington, D.C. promised “to assess this new information before taking any hasty actions.” Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D-NY) questioned the credibility of the CDC, saying that “they’ve been wrong before. They told us it would take 15 days of lockdowns to flatten the curve, but it took a year of business, mobility, and speech restrictions to get COVID under control. Wasting all of the suffering we’ve endured by a premature restitution of freedom would be tragic.”

A less publicized bit of CDC news was the agency’s admission that “the number of deaths following the administration of COVID vaccines over the past four months exceeds the combined number of deaths following all of the other vaccinations administered for all other diseases over the past twenty years.” Walensky hastened to point out that “while it is reasonable to presume that a person who tests positive for COVID and dies has, in fact, died of COVID, it cannot similarly be assumed that a person who dies shortly after being vaccinated for COVID has died because of the vaccination.”

Not everyone agrees with Walensky’s reasoning. Dr. Ryan Cole, owner and operator of Cole Diagnostics, called the post-vaccination toll “concerning. These so-called vaccines are experimental. They haven’t undergone the normal vetting process for safety and effectiveness before being given to tens of millions of human guinea pigs over the last four months. Individuals should make their own decision on whether to take this experimental substance. There are sound reasons to be reluctant. Government shouldn’t coerce or bribe people to take it.”

Toxicologist Dr. Janci Chunn Lindsay takes an even stronger stance against further mass inoculations for younger persons and has called on the U.S. government to halt COVID-19 vaccine distribution. “There are serious safety concerns that need to be considered,” she said. “The vaccines could hinder production of syncytin, a crucial protein for fertility and pregnancy, and negatively impact pregnancy outcomes as a result. Since the unvaccinated in this population cohort face a vanishingly small risk of serious health consequences from COVID they should not submit to being vaccinated.”

Dr. Anthony Fauci labeled these concerns “fear mongering of the worst sort” and tried to differentiate it from “the socially responsible fear mongering I and others have employed to help defeat the virus over the past year. Getting millions to hunker down in their homes, shun all unnecessary human contact, close their businesses, quit their jobs, wear masks, and tattle on nonconformists were harmless cudgels to guide individuals to adopt behaviors that protected everyone. Now is not the time to listen to dissident doctors. If we keep the faith we will emerge into a truly caring society where all march to the same tune and share the same destiny.”

Psaki: “Inflation Is Good for America”

Indications that inflation is rising is roiling markets and unnerving consumers who must pay unexpectedly higher prices for basic necessities. Gasoline prices, for example, are up nearly 50% from a year ago. Presidential Press Secretary Jen Psaki pooh-poohed concerns, calling them “unnecessary fretting. Rising prices are a positive in so many ways.”

“Take the jump in gasoline prices,” she suggested. “This is not an unplanned phenomenon. It is the President’s policy to wean the country off of fossil fuels. To accomplish this it is necessary to make gasoline unaffordable for as many drivers as we can. The Colonial Pipeline hacking attack wasn’t explicitly planned by the Biden Administration, but it helps further our goal. Remember, one of the first things the President did when he took office was to cancel the Keystone Pipeline. And just the other day we saw Michigan Gov. Gretchen Whitmer take emergency action to block fuels coming into our country from Canada. This is all a sign that we are succeeding.”

“On a broader front, let’s not forget that inflation helps erode the value of money,” Psaki pointed out. “As the largest debtor in the country the federal government comes out ahead when it can pay back debt in cheaper dollars. Other big debtors like state governments and corporations similarly benefit. Who doesn’t benefit? The misers who buy bonds. The biggest purchasers of bonds are pension funds who see the interest extracted from borrowers as a way to divert money to the unproductive retired segment of the population. These retirees don’t need this money. Social Security and Medicare will take care of their legitimate needs. What I’m saying is that basically, inflation redirects money from the sterile purpose of sustaining an idle segment of society to the dynamic purpose of ensuring that government has a bigger share of the country’s resources so it can do more good for the whole population.”

In related news, Secretary of the Department of Energy Jennifer Granholm asserted that “those suffering from rising gasoline costs have only themselves to blame. If you drive an electric car you are immune to the problems of rising gas costs or limited supply when a pipeline fails or is shut down by government order. Once everyone takes the President’s intent to outlaw fossil fuel in this country seriously the disruptions of the past and present will just be old memories.”

Vatican Letter Pleases Pelosi

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi expressed gratitude for the Pope’s letter chastising bishops who questioned whether politicians who support abortion should receive communion. “Basically, he’s washed his hands on this issue,” she boasted. “It’s not for priests or bishops or anyone else to decide whether to give communion to whoever presents himself or herself for the rite. It’s for each Catholic to make the choice.”

Pelosi characterized the Pope’s stance as “realistic. The Pope knows we are battling for the soul of America with the most evil adversaries that we have ever encountered. To win this battle we need every vote we can get. When the majority of the population, the media, academia, the unions, the immigrants all want abortion to be legal and free we must honor their wishes. For us to be punished for doing this plays into the hands of those who hate America.”

“After all, we aren’t approving and funding the termination of babies out of malicious intent,” she added. “It’s only politics. Of all people, we are most in need of the forgiveness that communion transmits to us. I mean, why should I have to go to Hell for doing bad deeds for a good cause? The US military did some despicable things to defeat the Nazis and the Japanese during World War II—incinerating whole cities, indiscriminately killing civilians, women, and children. Should the pilots who dropped those bombs have been denied communion? I don’t think anyone would have agreed to that. Why then should a more discriminating elimination of the surplus of unwanted children merit denial of communion?”

Rep Greene Rankles Dems

This week, Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) publicly confronted Rep. Alexandria Ocasio Cortez (D-NY) and asked her questions about the Green New Deal she is pushing for America. Greene says she “chose this venue because in the House any inconvenient questions I raise are routinely gavelled ‘out of order’ by the Democrat committee chair. When I learned that AOC was holding a press conference I thought I’d ask my questions there, but she ran away.”

AOC professed herself “severely frightened by the encounter. There was no one to intervene on my behalf. It was just her and me in front of the media and their cameras. I lost my train of thought. I shouldn’t have to answer uninvited questions. As a member of Congress it is my constitutional right not to be questioned in any other place. I need a security detail like the President has to protect me from lunatics like Greene.”

This isn’t the first complaint about Rep. Greene. Earlier this year, Rep. Cori Bush (D-Mo) could not abide having her office in the same corridor as Greene’s. “I couldn’t enter or exit my office without risking running into her,” Bush said. “How could I be expected to do my work with the dread of an unwanted meeting looming over my every movement. Since Greene doesn’t regularly wear a mask I decided I had had to move for my team’s safety and my own sanity.”

Rep. Jimmy Gomez (D-Calif) has introduced a resolution to expel Greene from Congress. “She just doesn’t fit in,” Gomez complained. “None of the Republicans do. Rather than work with us to get legislation passed they are busy figuring out ways to block what we’re trying to do. I’d like to expel them all, except maybe Liz Cheney, but that’s probably a ‘bridge too far’ right now. Getting rid of Greene would be a great first step toward that goal or at least put the fear of God into the rest of them.”

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) called Greene’s behavior “intolerable. She is oblivious to how much she has dishonored Congress. The voters need to be confident that their government is working together for the people. Exposing disagreements like Greene did is unacceptable. We’ve already banned her from committee membership as an incentive for her to shape up. We need to investigate her more recent transgressions and determine the appropriate punishment.”

Whitmer Receives “Profile in Courage” Award

Gov. Gretchen Whitmer (D-Mich) was one of seven to receive a “Profile in Courage” Award from the John F. Kennedy Library Foundation. Caroline Kennedy, the president’s daughter and honorary president of the foundation praised Whitmer’s “iron-fisted rule in dealing with the COVID pandemic in her state. Critics called her edicts excessive, unnecessary, and oppressive, but she held to her course. The decision to impose unpopular constraints on the people’s liberty represents the highest ideals of paternalistic governance. She is probably the bravest person in America.”

Whitmer says she hopes “this award will help me in my reelection campaign.” Although her popularity has declined over the past year, 49% of those polled say they approve of her handling of the pandemic. One poll respondent explained his support for Whitmer, saying that “at least she didn’t move COVID-infected patients into nursing homes like that moron Cuomo did in New York. For that she earns my respect and my vote in 2022.”

In a bid to live up to the Award, the Governor ordered a Canadian pipeline, owned by the Enbridge company to shut down. “I know the popular thing would be to allow this pipeline to continue operating, what with the Colonial Pipeline problems and the President’s cancellation of the Keystone Pipeline in January,” she said. “But you don’t win awards by doing what’s popular. True leadership means giving the people what they should have, not what they want. The more pain there is now, the quicker the country will give up its dependence on fossil fuels.”

Thus far, Enbridge has refused to shut down, saying that only the federal government has the authority to order such an action. Whitmer scoffed at Enbridge’s defiance, saying that “I have emergency powers that trump any other authority. Michigan is my property. Enbridge is trespassing on it. This pipeline will be shut down one way or another. If I have to order State Police to blow up the pipeline I won’t shrink from making that unpopular decision.”

Brain Implants for Unity

Scientists at Northwestern University have developed wireless brain implants that have been inserted into mice to see if their behavior can be controlled remotely. An experiment found that it can. To be more explicit, the experiment tried to use the devices to get the mice to become friends with other mice having the same implants. It worked.

Secretary of Health and Human Services Xavier Becerra called this experiment “a potential game-changer for the President’s drive to unify the country. The main impediment to total unity is independent thought. The aspiration of trying to achieve unity via volitional means is likely never going to be realized if each person has the option to join or not. If we can somehow get these wireless implants into everybody we can bypass the volitional barrier. Government scientists could remotely manipulate each and every one of us to become friends whether we wanted to or not.”

“The first step for us is to figure out how to get the implants into everyone,” Becerra pointed out. “As we have seen with the COVID vaccines, even after a year long fear campaign there are still people who say they won’t take the shots. The vaccine passport idea is a good one, but it has many logistical difficulties. The main one is how to differentiate between those who have been vaccinated from those who haven’t. Here is where the wireless aspect of the brain implants can come to the rescue. Each person who has an implant can be remotely detected and controlled. The many ways this can be used to overcome the reluctance of others gives me confidence universal unity can be achieved.”

“We could start by paying bounties to people who agree to be implanted,” Becerra explained. “The next step could be to offer those with implants a bonus for every other person they persuade to be implanted. Once this phase is practically completed we can start offering even bigger bonuses for forcibly bringing other individuals in to be implanted. Eventually the proportion of implanted will be many times larger than the remaining cohort without the implant. As the implanted are manipulated to shun the few who are not, loneliness should drive the last independent individuals to join the herd resulting in total unity of the entire population.”

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative for 16 years. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. Please do us a favor. If you use material created by Mr. Semmens, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.