Incompetent Withdrawal Sparks Afghan Chaos

This past June, the Biden Administration canceled the Contingency and Crisis Response (CCR) plan that the Trump Administration established for a controlled withdrawal of US troops stationed in Afghanistan. The plan laid out conditions that both the Afghan government and the Taliban would have to adhere to before US troops were removed. These conditions included a truce, shared power, and protections for foreigners inside the country while their home nations arranged for their exit from Afghanistan.

Secretary of State Tony Blinken explained that “this plan was unnecessary since the Taliban had given us their word that no one would be hurt and individual rights would be protected as prescribed by Islamic law. We felt confident that withdrawing our troops would pose no danger to American citizens residing in Afghanistan or to the tens of thousands of Afghans who assisted our efforts to stabilize the country. We also saved $50 million–money that can now be better spent on the Green New Deal–by cancelling the CCR.”

Cancellation of the plan encouraged the Taliban to ramp up their effort to takeover the country by force—a response that Blinken characterized as “a complete surprise. It appears that the phrase ‘as prescribed by Islamic law’ authorizes the hanging of traitors, the subjugation of women, and the theft of billions of dollars worth of weapons we abandoned at the Bagram Air Base. We are helpless to assist Americans wanting to leave the country. All we can do is hope they can make their way through the Taliban blockade to the Kabul Airport and bring $2,000 in cash to pay for each person wanting air transport out.”

As prescribed by Islamic law, the Taliban has ordered all men to stop shaving their beards, required women to be appropriately covered at all times and forbidden them from leaving the household unless accompanied by a male relative. To demonstrate the seriousness of their intent a woman spotted outdoors alone and without the proper face covering was shot to death. Taliban troops are going house-to-house looking for unbelievers to punish. These include Christians, Jews, and Shiite Muslims—several of whom have been shot. Employees of the fallen Afghan government are being hanged whenever they can be found.

While all this is going on, President Biden insists that “no one is being killed” and “it is perfectly safe for Americans to travel on the streets of Kabul and make their way to the airport. The French, the British, and now the Germans efforts to send rescue teams out to assist their citizens to safety is not necessary. The Taliban have assured me that it is safe for anyone to travel unaccompanied as long as they obey Islamic laws. They have even backed this up by confiscating everyone’s guns—a policy that we, unfortunately have been unable to implement in our own country.”

Though the situation in Afghanistan is fraught with danger, Biden contends that “I don’t think it could’ve been handled any better.” This opinion was not shared by Vice-President Kamala Harris who declared “you will not pin this sh*t on me.” This is a big u-turn from her boasting a few months ago about how proud she was that “the President ignored the advice of the generals and opted for total unilateral withdrawal without conditions. This is a president who has an extraordinary amount of courage.”

Meanwhile, Taliban commander Muhammed Arif Mustafa vowed that “Islam will conquer the whole world. We have regained a secure base of operations and can resume the attacks that brought America to its knees on 9-11. The open southern border of these unbelievers will allow thousands of our fighters to infiltrate deep into the belly of the Great Satan. They will even provide free transportation to our desired targets while the government reviews our requests for asylum. We will fight until religion is all for Allah. Then there will be peace for all humanity.”

In related news, Secretary of Homeland Security Alejandro Mayorkas issued a new National Terrorism Advisory System (NTAS) Bulletin declaring that “those who think the 2020 election was stolen and those who resist the government’s anti-COVID mandates constitute the most serious threat to national security. I know a lot of people think that those who blow up buildings and kill people like what happened on 9-11 are the greatest threat, but buildings and people can easily be replaced. Distrust of and disloyalty toward the government undermine the unity necessary for the collective well-being of all of us. This is the threat we must concentrate our efforts on defeating.”

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