Biden’s Plan to Protect Us from Climate Crisis

By: John Semmens

Alleging that “Americans need more government to protect them from a systemic climate crisis,” President Biden announced “a new battle line will be formed across all financial institutions. This battle line will require these institutions to scrutinize customer accounts to determine if the investments and expenditures are sufficiently environmentally friendly to be permitted.”

“Those holding investments that seek to profit from environmentally dangerous products like fossil fuels will be ordered to divest these assets,” Biden proclaimed. “Those seeking to purchase environmentally dangerous products like gasoline, natural gas, or heating oil will have their transactions blocked. While skeptics will say these goals are unattainable, the portion of our plan that will replace cash with a fully digitized monetary system will give financial institutions the leverage needed to ensure our plan’s success.”

Vice-President Harris acknowledged that “over the short term this will mean that the economy will be stunted. Over the long term the money saved by rejecting fossil fuel as an energy source can be redirected into a vigorous green energy alternative. The divested holdings in fossil fuel companies will be channeled into solar and wind power options. Nominally, the shares in these green energy producers will still be owned by individual investors, but the Department of Energy (DOE) will be instructing the financial institutions managing these assets how to redeploy the funds. On the purchase side of the equation, purchases using debit and credit cards will only be allowed to buy products the DOE has decreed to be environmentally safe.”

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