Garland Testifies at Congressional Hearing

By: John Semmens

US Attorney General Merrick Garland appeared at a House Judiciary Committee hearing to defend his investigation of “the domestic terrorists who have been disrupting school boards across the nation. When I read the letter that the National School Boards Association (NSBA) sent to the White House I knew I had to act swiftly to put these wayward parents in their place.”

“The problem stems from these parents’ abuse of the public meetings school boards hold to extol their triumphs,” Garland asserted. “Rather than gratefully accept the fact that public schools are educating their children, some parents insist on quibbling over the content of the curriculum and refuse to be silent when ordered to shut up. The ‘open microphone’ portion of these public meetings are not an invitation to wander off the carefully scripted proceedings. Many school board members have found this to be terrifying. Anytime any government official is terrified our democracy is endangered. Defending our democracy is my duty.”

Garland rejected contentions that his Department has no legitimate role in local disagreements over school curricula, saying that “while that may be technically correct from a simplistic reading of the Constitution, the fact is that voters have informally amended the Constitution by electing Joe Biden president last November. It is widely agreed within the government, among the owners of broadcast media and social-media that it was the defeat of Donald Trump that saved our democracy. The actions I’m taking here are a partial fulfillment of the new powers granted by the voters to the current administration.”

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