Biden Wants to Pay Illegals $450,000 Each

By: John Semmens

The Departments of Justice, Homeland Security, and Health and Human Services are said to be offering to settle lawsuits filed by the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) on behalf of 900 persons who entered the United States illegally during the Trump Administration.

ACLU spokesman Bertram Petty asserted that “it is already a matter of law that if a person breaks into your home and you injure him you must pay damages. Our 900 clients have all sustained severe psychological trauma as a result of Trump's policy. First, many incurred thousands of dollars in expenses paying coyotes to smuggle them into the country. This money was supposed to be paid off by the benefits they expected to collect as indigent immigrants. The damages we are seeking are in lieu of those benefits.”

Attorney General Merrick Garland called the ACLU's case “irrefutable. The $450,000 per injured immigrant is a small price to pay to make this go away.”

Whether the proffered payoff will succeed in making the issue go away was cast into doubt by Petty's observation that “the Biden Administration has bused hundreds of thousand recent immigrants to various parts of the country and just dropped off on city streets without giving them cash or weapons with which they could earn their own upkeep. These people also deserve compensation for this injustice.”