NJ Dem Says “Still Time to Turn Election Around”

By: John Semmens

Long-time New Jersey Senate President Steve Sweeney brushed off his election day defeat at the hands of a political novice, insisting that “this ain’t over yet. I just heard that another 12,000 ballots have been found in the trunk of a car in Newark. That’s more than enough to change the outcome. Just last year they were still counting votes in the 2020 presidential election long after election day. So, there’s still time to turn this election around if we keep working on it.”

“Besides, the notion that a truck driver who spent a total of $153 on his campaign could defeat one of this state’s most beloved public servants defies all logic,” Sweeney argued. “Money is what decides election outcomes these days. Every professional knows that. Big donors determine which candidates are best to govern and injects sufficient funds into the campaigns to make sure they are the winners. We just need a little more time for this well-tested model to work and restore me to my rightful place in the State Senate.”

Sweeney went on to deride his opponent Edward Durr’s assertion that “he won because voters believe he will fight for their rights. C’mon man, no one with any sense believes that a state can be governed by people with such naive ideas. Trying to use such out-dated concepts in modern America will lead to disaster. I’m confident that our search for more ballots will prove that voters are too smart to have elected a rube like Durr.”

Democratic National Committee chairman Jaime Harrison called the election of Durr “proof that the Republican Party has become a party of fascism and fear. Replacing a man with elite political skills with an ignorant bumpkin who delivers furniture for a living is a mistake we cannot allow to happen.”

In related news, the success of the GOP at the polls this week spurred the Whitmer Administration in Michigan to order the destruction of all official correspondence related to COVID. A Whitmer spokesperson called this “standard procedure for when an enemy army seems likely to overrun your position. There’s no sense in leaving anything behind that could be used against you.”

High Energy Prices “Good” for Economy

By: John Semmens

Department of Energy Secretary Jennifer Granholm laughed off the idea of encouraging more domestic oil production as a means of making transportation more affordable. “The whole point of cancelling pipelines and drilling leases was explicitly to deter cheap energy from luring people into unnecessary and unproductive travel,” she pointed out. “For us to turn back now would impede the Presidents build back better program.”

“Look, for what it’s worth, President Biden already asked the Organization of Petroleum Exporting Countries (OPEC) to increase oil production, but they refused,” the Secretary said. “He figured that since it was his executive order that crippled US energy production and gave OPEC a golden opportunity to raise prices they’d show some gratitude. But they haven’t.”

OPEC Secretary General Mohammed Barkindo explained that “it is not in the interest of our members to agree to anything that reduces their profits. At this point, President Biden is boxed in by his own radical anti-oil agenda. He has made much of his intention to dismantle the Trump policies that sought American energy independence. There is no way Biden can credibly rescind his decrees against US oil producers. Their is no good reason for us not to exploit our advantage.”

Vaccine Mandate Helps People Feel Safe

By: John Semmens

US Secretary of Labor Marty Walsh says “President Biden’s insistance that everyone be vaccinated is essential to restoring economic growth. Right now too many people are afraid to go back to work out of fear of catching COVID. Once everyone is vaccinated this fear will be eradicated. This is not a mandate. It is a reminder to do the right thing if you want to keep your job if you’re an employee or be fined if you’re an employer.”

Walsh dismissed emerging evidence of the vaccines’ dwindling effectiveness as “beside the point. We’re asking everyone to remember when they were children and how the opportunity to cuddle with a favorite teddy bear or doll could banish fear of monsters. Even though we adults recognize that stuffed toys couldn’t possibly fend off monsters, the belief that they could made us feel secure. Today, we’re asking all loyal Americans to place the same confidence in the vaccines to protect them from disease. The majority have already done this voluntarily, but a disloyal minority threatens to break the spell of confidence that is required if we are to defeat COVID.”

”If anything, the current opportunity for all employers of 100 or more workers to enforce a vaccination protocol doesn’t go far enough,” the Secretary complained. “That’s why I have ordered OSHA to include all employers, no matter how few workers they have, to compel their employees to get vaccinated. We all must share the same faith in the government’s plan to battle this disease. Once we achieve this unanimity victory will be at hand and the fundamental transformation of this country begun by President Obama will be complete.”

To help incentivize compliance, the Department of Labor is also drafting regulations that will bar those who are fired for refusing to be vaccinated will from being eligible to receive unemployment compensation. “Willful disobedience is insubordination,” Walsh argued. “Unemployment benefits are meant only for those who lose their jobs through no fault of their own—like a recession—not for employees who won’t follow orders.”

Sen. Mark Kelly (D-AZ) heartily endorsed OSHA’s efforts to compel universal vaccination, saying that “there’s only one thing that’s gonna get us through this completely and that’s to get people vaccinated. I wish everyone would just voluntarily obey the President’s wish that they get vaccinated. Since some won’t fines and firings are our last resort short of forcibly holding them down and jabbing them with hypodermics.”

Fauci Backs Cruel Experiments

By: John Semmens

On top of being revealed a liar regarding his public testimony denying that the National Institutes of Health (NIH) funded “gain-of-function” research at the Wuhan Lab where a bat coronavirus was made more deadly and infectious, a series of disclosures about other dubious research activities he has assisted emerged this week.

One particularly cruel experiment was a study where beagle puppies were fed to sand flies. Since the dogs were still alive while being eaten their vocal chords where severed “so as not to unduly distress the lab workers conducting the study.” The point of this research was not fully explained.

In another study, researchers funded by the NIH tortured monkeys. First, they damaged their brains with toxic acid then terrorized them with rubber snakes and spiders—creatures the monkeys instinctively fear. The point of this research was not fully explained.

A third set of cruel experiments was conducted on orphaned children in New York City. Test subjects were given a variety of toxic drugs thought to be potentially useful for helping AIDS sufferers. Dozens died during and subsequent to these experiments. The point of this research was not fully explained.

Dr. Fauci defended these research projects and called the research “necessary to support the U.S. Food and Drug Administration’s regulatory activities. The selection of orphans for some of these projects ensured that families wouldn’t be traumatized by the suffering inflicted on the test subjects. The complaint that none of the test subjects gave informed consent is absurd. None were capable of giving consent. The scientists involved simply weighed the value of the lives that would be sacrificed compared to the knowledge gained. That was enough consent for them to go forward.”


Democrats’ new legislation will leave billions of potential tax revenue on the table from millionaires and try to make it up with regressive vape and e-cigarette taxes on the poor.

The Build Back Better Act that the House Rules Committee released Wednesday was amended to protect tax avoidance schemes used by the ultrawealthy and made up the revenue lost by expanding tobacco taxes to additional nicotine products; replacing a tax that was highly progressive with one that is highly regressive.

Experts like those at the Tax Foundation recently released a report showing that the framework could increase nicotine and harmful chemical consumption. The new bill places an excise tax on “any nicotine that has been extracted, concentrated, or synthesized.” The new tax will add to the dollar amount for small cigarettes or $50.33 per 1,810 milligrams of nicotine — whichever is greater. This will drastically increase the prices of popular tobacco products. Furthermore, taxing based on nicotine content could encourage increased consumption. For example, a vapor pod that has a nicotine content of 3 percent and contains 1 ml of liquid would be taxed at $0.83 whereas a vapor pod that has a nicotine content of 5 percent and also contains 1 ml of liquid would be taxed at $1.39 even if there is no difference, or even a negative differential, in broader health effects of the two pods. For those reasons, using nicotine as a proxy is not a desirable structure. Moreover, nicotine content alone does not determine nicotine absorption since absorption depends on the delivery method. 

It will also mean that thousands of people making less than $400,000 will end up paying increased taxes, contradicting the President’s promise that the middle class and low-income people will not face hikes under his administration. The Tax Foundation observed that “States often tax nicotine products by price, and the tax on the product will pyramid since the federal tax would be levied at the manufacturer level and the state tax is levied at the distribution level. In effect, the state tax base includes the federal tax and becomes a tax on a tax. This means that even if the taxes on tobacco and other nicotine products are approximately equal at the federal level, by the time it reaches the consumer, the nicotine product will carry a higher tax (and often a higher price). This is highly problematic when considering that cigarettes are much more harmful than nicotine products. That makes the federal tax proposal look like a harm-maximizing strategy.”

For all of these reasons, Democrats should focus their attention on legislation that accomplishes their intended goals and doesn’t hurt lower-income and middle-class families.

McAuliffe to Challenge Election Results

By: John Semmens

In anticipation that he may well lose in the November 2 governor’s race, former governor Terry McAuliffe has hired the Elias Law Group. Marc Elias formerly worked as a partner at the law firm Perkins Coie. Perkins Coie played a major part in concocting the fraudulent Steele Dossier that alleged Russians helped Trump cheat in his 2016 victory over Hillary Clinton. The two-year Mueller investigation found no evidence to support this allegation.

Concerned that news of this hire could reflect negatively on McAuliffe, campaign spoksperson Christina Freundlich sent out an email seeking the media’s help in suppressing this story. She carelessly used a media list that included Fox News. Now the story is gaining a wider audience.

Additional news that is unflattering toward McAuliffe included a gaggle of Young Democrats disguised as white nationalists appearing at a Glen Youngkin campaign event, a sample of vote-by-mail ballots that showed in 90% of cases the named voter did not live at the address the ballot arrived at, that the campaign invested nearly $500,000 in fake news websites, and Renzo Olivari, Communications Director for Terry McAuliffe, has authored a series of bigoted tweets that used the N-Word and insulting stereotypes of the black community.

Freundlich brushed all of this off, calling it “innovations that the Democratic Party has been fostering and testing across the nation. We don’t just sit back and let voters make up their own minds. We actively direct them toward the correct way of thinking and acting, which has been succinctly summarized as ‘just win, baby.’”

In related news, former president Obama called Virginia parents’ objections to the Loudoun County School Board’s cover-up of a sexual assault of a 15-year-old girl by a male transgender student in a restroom “fake outrage aimed at derailing the reelection of Gov. McAuliffe. Sexual experimentation by teenagers is common. Many are intrigued by oral sex and sodomy. I know I was. That such experimentation is now more feasible with restrooms being open to persons of whatever sexual orientation is something to be applauded. I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that the so-called assault charge was invented by the girl out of fear of what her parents would think.”

Oddly, though, the boy charged with the sexual assault who was moved to another school as part of the cover-up committed another similar assault. Further, just this week juvenile court judge Pamela Brooks ruled that the boy did force himself on a 15-year-old girl last May in restroom at Stone Ridge High School in Leesburg, Virginia.

Biden Vows to Keep Vaccination Pressure Up

By: John Semmens

President Biden warned vaccine resisters that “loss of your job isn’t the only penalty you’ll face for refusing to abide by my wishes that you take the covid jab. I just learned that in Australia the government is seizing homes, bank accounts, and driver’s licenses from those who refuse its vaccination mandates. Most intriguing of all, the government is proudly instituting a two-tiered citizenship status—one for the vaccinated who will be allowed some limited freedoms and one for the unvaccinated who won’t.”

“All you unvaccinated people need to face reality,” the President advised. “The government is bigger, stronger, and smarter than you are. We have the resources to outlast your resistance. We have an unlimited borrowing capacity. We can take your resources away from you by taxes and fines. We have the power to create money. We are unstoppable. The sooner you agree to our demands, the sooner you can start earning privileges that will make you lives easier.”

The Biden Administration is also said to be considering allowing a reprieve for children of vaccine resisters from the mandate to take the jab if the parents submit to being vaccinated. White House chief of staff Ron Klain is reported to be an advocate of this approach since “parents are known to make great sacrifices to protect their children. Of course, once the parents are vaccinated there’s no going back for them. We can still go ahead and vaccinate their children at a later date.”

In related news, the Food and Drug Administration’s Vaccines and Related Biological Products Advisory Committee voted 17-0 to make 5 to 11 year olds “eligible” to be vaccinated. As one of the FDA committee members explained “while there is no scientific evidence that these vaccines are safe or that children need them, it was the committee’s gut feeling that we ought to give it a try. After all, we’re never going to find out if the vaccines are safe for children until we start inoculating large numbers of them.”

Yellen Says Big Spending Will Fight Inflation

By John Semmens

Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen defended the Biden Administration’s multi-trillion dollar spending spree, saying “it will help tamp down inflation. Inflation is caused by too much private sector spending. Increased government spending will siphon money out of the private sector by first driving up the cost of consumer goods making them too expensive to purchase. This will force consumers to cut back on their spending.”

“Second, the efficiencies stimulated by the build back better plan will start to kick in as people switch from their selfish attitudes toward how they spend their own money toward a more public-spirited willingness to sacrifice for the common good,” the Secretary maintained. “More will happily make do with what they already have in the knowledge that the government will make better use of the money than they could have if left alone to feed their own personal vices.”

Rep. Troy Carter (D-LA) concurred with Yellen’s prognostication, saying that “historically, government has always shown more astute judgment in how money is spent than the common people. Government occupies a higher vantage point and a more noble dedication to the common good. Money that individuals would have wasted on fancy foods, clothes, housing, travel, and entertainment will be more wisely invested in the surveillance  technologies humanity needs for the future.”

Biden Wants to Pay Illegals $450,000 Each

By: John Semmens

The Departments of Justice, Homeland Security, and Health and Human Services are said to be offering to settle lawsuits filed by the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) on behalf of 900 persons who entered the United States illegally during the Trump Administration.

ACLU spokesman Bertram Petty asserted that “it is already a matter of law that if a person breaks into your home and you injure him you must pay damages. Our 900 clients have all sustained severe psychological trauma as a result of Trump’s policy. First, many incurred thousands of dollars in expenses paying coyotes to smuggle them into the country. This money was supposed to be paid off by the benefits they expected to collect as indigent immigrants. The damages we are seeking are in lieu of those benefits.”

Attorney General Merrick Garland called the ACLU’s case “irrefutable. The $450,000 per injured immigrant is a small price to pay to make this go away.”

Whether the proffered payoff will succeed in making the issue go away was cast into doubt by Petty’s observation that “the Biden Administration has bused hundreds of thousand recent immigrants to various parts of the country and just dropped off on city streets without giving them cash or weapons with which they could earn their own upkeep. These people also deserve compensation for this injustice.”

Fines to Break Harbor Logjam

By: John Semmens

The shipping backlog at two Southern California ports is throwing a major wrench into the US economy. Ships can’t be unloaded because of California environmental regulations restricting the type of trucks that will be allowed to haul the freight containers and the insistence that unvaccinated truck drivers cannot be permitted to enter the area where the containers stored before being shipped out across America.

President Biden’s order that the ports remain open 24/7 has done nothing to unjam the blockage cause by the inapt previous regulatory restrictions. This has inspired a follow-up idiotic measure aimed at stimulating the transport of the containers: fines for ships staying more than nine days in the harbor. Most of the ships in the harbor have been there for many weeks.

US Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg took a break from changing diapers to explain that “since the thing that enabled Obamacare to obliterate the preexisting health care system was the fine for not buying an Obamacare insurance plan, it stands to reason that a fine is what is needed to get these shippers off their duffs and start delivering the freight. Buy the new trucks that Gov. Newsom has prescribed. Get vaccinated. Or start paying $100 a day for each container on-board.”

An estimated 250,000 containers are currently waiting to be off-loaded in these California ports. The daily fine will run to to about $25 million—an amount that Buttigieg predicts “will force these shipping companies to either unload quickly or go elsewhere to deliver their cargo.”

Gov. Ron DeSantis has pointed out that “in Florida we have no self-defeating demand that every truck be a new truck nor that every driver be vaccinated. We may be further from Asian markets, but the extra travel distance is offset by our state’s sensible and sane shipping procedures.”