By: John Semmens

A statistic that might inspire airlines to rethink their policies for air crews is the dramatic increase in the death of their pilots. In 2019, only one pilot died. In 2020, six died. In 2021, as of September, 109 have died. It’s not that more planes are crashing. The key factor seems to be the requirement that pilots must be vaccinated for covid in order to keep their jobs.

Dr. Anthony Fauci rejected the possibility that adverse reactions to the experimental vaccines should be a cause for concern, saying “those of us who are medical experts are convinced that the vaccines are safe and effective. There’s no evidence that vaccines are responsible for the unusual spike in fatalities among the members of this profession. Besides, even if the vaccines are causing the deaths of these individuals I feel it is worth it. Covid has killed millions. The vaccines have already saved the lives of billions. Sacrificing a hundred airline pilots seems like a cheap price to have paid for the benefits gained.”

Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ken) called Fauci’s confidence in the vaccines “excessive. There’s no proof that vaccines have saved billions of lives. It is likely that many have benefited from them. It is also likely that others have been harmed by being injected with these inadequately tested drugs. A scientific approach would entail each individual being treated as an individual so a customized risk/benefit assessment can be made. Dr. Fauci’s one solution—vaccinate everyone—is political coercion, not a sound scientific recommendation.”

In related news, attorneys for Pfizer told a judge that “it would take us 55 years to produce copies of the 300,000 pages of documents we submitted to the FDA to gain Emergency Use Authorization for our vaccine.” Interestingly, it took considerably less time to generate the documents and only 108 days for the FDA to review the documents prior to approving the EUA.

Pfizer CEO Albert Bourla explained that “it is one thing to share confidential information with people you trust. It is entirely different when people you don’t trust want to see what you’re doing. We shouldn’t be subjected to ‘Monday morning quarterbacking’ now that the vaccines have been injected into billions of people. What’s done is done. Besides, we have been granted absolute and total immunity for any harm done. So there isn’t any point in letting unfriendly lawyers see these documents.”

By: John Semmens

Philadelphia Councilwoman Cindy Bass wants to outlaw bullet-proof glass in retail stores because it “encourages loitering, public urination and potential drug sales.” Her rationale seems weak. Store owners install bullet-proof glass to protect themselves from armed robbers.

Bass argues that “this glass is an indignity for everyone who enters the store. It conveys the message that anyone could be a thief. For every armed robber who is thwarted hundreds of honest people are so psychologically damaged that they can’t help themselves from urinating in the street, idly loitering in the area, and make drug deals.”

Bass went on to complain that “bullet-proof glass also impedes hammer-wielding activists from expressing their dissatisfaction with the current distribution of wealth in this country. Instead of being able to quickly smash ordinary glass to get at the merchandise they are pretty much forced to go elsewhere in search of a softer target. This unnecessarily blocks an innovative strategy for achieving social justice.”

In related news, Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot says “retailers have only themselves to blame for the explosion in ‘smash-and-grab’ thefts. Putting valuable merchandise in flimsy glass display cases unnecessarily tempts those less well off folks to steal.” Her recommendation is to “one, choose a different product to sell because bulkier low-priced items are less tempting. Two, hire social workers to intercept looters and help them to qualify for welfare benefits. Or three, relocate your business to a safer area outside of the City or State.”

By: John Semmens

According to his attorney Nenye Uche, actor Jussie Smollett considers his recent trial and conviction for staging a fake hate-crime “riveting entertainment” and hopes to “film two sequels.”

“One of his ideas is that while he is out on bond during his appeal the Nigerian brothers, Ola and Abel Osundairo, stalk him in order to finish the job,” Uche said. “After several narrow escapes, Jussie lures them into a trap at a donut shop where an undercover cop overhears their threats. The truth finally prevails as former President Trump is implicated for inspiring the original assault. The brothers are killed in a shootout with the undercover cop and Trump is indicted.”

“Another idea Jussie has involves him being prosecuted for perjury by special prosecutor Dan Webb,” Uche added. “In this sequel, in a Perry Mason like moment, Webb is pressured to admit in open court that he coerced the brothers into lying about the so-called faked assault. They breakdown in tears asking Jussie’s forgiveness and Webb is stripped of his law license.”

“Jussie, of course, would play himself in the sequels, but professional actors would need to be hired to provide a more realistic portrayal of the brothers, prosecutors, and myself,” Uche explained. “Jussie likes Alec Baldwin for the part of the undercover cop, Bob Odenkirk would play the part of Webb, and LeBron James one of the brothers. Jussie’s company ‘A Supermassive Movie’ would produce both of these sequels.”

By: John Semmens

A Trump Administration effort to track sex crimes committed by teachers against students was canceled by the Biden Administration. Secretary of Education Miguel Cardona explained that “there are two main reasons why we feel the Trump policy must be discarded. First and foremost, any Trump policy that can be undone has to be a good thing. Second, sexual offenses by teachers against students are so rare that it seems a waste of time and money to try to even track it, much less punish it.”

“Most of the recent cases have involved female teachers having inappropriate contact with male students,” Cardona recalled. “These incidents only became known when non-involved parties accidentally discovered the liaisons. None of the boys complained. Without a complaint from these boys, these seem to be cases of ‘victimless crimes.’ As such, we felt that tracking such incidents and hounding skilled teachers out of the profession would do more harm than good.”

“Even if, as some contend, the boys were harmed by having sex with these older women, there is a question of offsetting benefits,” the Secretary suggested. “A well-trained and skillful teacher benefits dozens or maybe even hundreds of students each year. It would be a shame to lose these teachers just because some adolescent boy develops mental problems as a consequence of engaging in consensual sex with his teacher. We think the wisest policy would be to not seek to inquire about any incidents. If a liaison is inadvertently discovered it can be handled by discreetly transferring the teacher to another school—like the Catholic Church has done with priests who get too fond of altar boys.”

By: John Semmens

Gov. Gavin Newsom (D-Calif) took a few minutes of his Thanksgiving holiday in Mexico to chastise citizens for “whining about rising crime in the state. They carp about riots, looting, assaults, rapes, and murders. It’s no big deal. Get used to it. Learn to adapt to this new reality. You have options to protect yourself.”

“As governor, I have around the clock security provided for me at taxpayers’ expense,” he pointed out. “I wasn’t always governor. I won’t always be governor. Other citizens have the same opportunity to run and win these privileges accorded to the state’s most important person.”

“Even if running for governor isn’t for you, there are still other options you could take to protect yourself from crime,” he said. “Most of my friends live in gated-communities or walled-off estates. They hire their own armed security guards who accompany them wherever they go. Many travel in armor-plated cars with bullet-proof windows. These products and services are available to anyone willing and able to pay for them. And they provide much better protection than the police can.”

“We cannot let refusal to adapt to new circumstances thwart our determination to defund the police,” the Governor insisted. “The police killing spree aimed at minorities must be stopped. The pioneers who founded our state didn’t rely on police departments to protect them. They fended for themselves. A return to this type of self-reliance combined with strict gun controls is the progressive vision for both California and America. Those who can’t adapt are consigning themselves to extinction.”

By: John Semmens

As Vice-President Kamala Harris’ poll numbers continue to sink far below those of the hapless President, former First Lady, Senator, and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has publicly expressed lavish praise for Biden’s “accomplishments.”

“On the legislative front, President Biden has induced Congress to increase federal spending by trillions of dollars,” Clinton pointed out. “This is more spending than any other president has been able to convince Congress to spend in such a short period of time. A lot of this spending will help shore up support for Democrats in states like Virginia where voters are rebelling against unresponsive government.”

“On the executive front, President Biden had issued more decrees than any other president in our history,” Clinton boasted. “He cancelled the Keystone Pipeline and saved the environment. He mandated that all Americans be vaxxed and saved the country from the covid menace. A byproduct of this courageous action is that it will also smoke out the selfish and disloyal people who continue to resist his orders and aid in terminating their livelihoods. This will clear the way for his ‘build back better’ transformation of our way of life.”

Clinton took on Biden’s low approval ratings with voters and attributed it to “stupidity and ingratitude. People don’t like the higher prices that have resulted from the President’s bold moves. But these are a necessary step for preserving the environment. Vaccination fatigue is understandable, but an unavoidable new reality. Repeated booster shots are a small price to pay for the protection from covid we all will need from here on. Finally, exposing and crushing the President’s political opponents will solidify the unity he promised us.”

Clinton went on to predict “that by this time next year the President’s approval ratings will be in the 90% range as will the Democratic Party’s majority in both Houses of Congress. I stand ready to help make this happen if I am asked to replace Kamala as his vice-president.”

In related news, Sen. Joe Manchin (D-WV) implored President Biden to “restart the Keystone Pipeline. The short-sighted decision to cancel this project threatens the nation’s energy security, destroys jobs, and increases the prices of everything that must be transported.”

Energy Secretary Jennifer Granholm called Manchin’s concerns “hysterical. The President has authorized a draw down of 50 million barrels of crude oil from the nation’s strategic petroleum reserves. This will prevent all of the Senator’s fears from becoming realities.” This seems improbable since fifty million barrels amounts to about a three day supply at current usage rates.

Milwaukee District Attorney John Chisolm defended the minuscule $1,000 bail set for Darrell Brooks for running over the mother of his child with a car, saying “freedom is not without risk. Brooks’ Waukesha killing spree was an unforeseeable consequence. I mean, what are the odds that he would accidentally drive his car into perfect strangers at a holiday parade?”

Well, according to Chisolm himself, the odds were pretty good. Back in 2007 he predicted that “there is going to be an individual I let go free who’s going to kill somebody. It’s guaranteed to happen.”

It’s not as if Brooks is just an ordinary guy who just had one bad day when he ran over his former girl friend. He has posted disturbing messages on social media calling for violence against white people, claimed “Hitler was right and did the world a favor by killing Jews,” and composed rap songs describing himself as a “terrorist” and “killer.”

So far, the casualties from his Kenosha rampage include six dead and 62 injured, many of those in critical condition. His expressed desire to harm white people and his zigzag path through the crowd on the curbs watching the parade would appear to rule out an accidental loss of control as the explanation for the tragedy. Nonetheless, Chisolm insists that “an innocent explanation may yet emerge as more information is gathered over the coming weeks.”

By: John Semmens

U.S. Secretary of State Antony Blinken formally denounced China, Russia, Myanmar, North Korea, Saudi Arabia, Iran, Eritrea, Tajikistan, Turkmenistan and Pakistan for “engaging in systematic, ongoing, egregious violations of religious freedom.”

The specific anti-religious actions noted by Blinken include “discrimination against person espousing beliefs that contradict government policies, banning religious gatherings to worship, censoring dissenting views, and threatening or imprisoning those who resist the government’s efforts to reeducate them. In far too many places around the world we continue to see governments harass, arrest, threaten, jail, and kill individuals simply for seeking to live their lives in accordance with their beliefs.”

Blinken rejected criticisms pointing out that the Biden Administration and various US state and local governments have similarly assailed religious gatherings, issued blanket denials of exemptions to being forced to take covid vaccines, or compelled to fund or participate in performing abortions, saying “it’s not the same. All of our coercion has been done to protect the public health. Church gatherings can become super spreaders of covid. Permitting individuals to escape being vaccinated on religious grounds allows these individuals to become ‘typhoid Marys’ and endanger the loyal vaccinated members of society. And the right to an abortion is a constitutional right that was declared in 1973. This was after the First Amendment was adopted in 1791. As such, it supersedes the right to freedom of religion.”

By: John Semmens

The year 2021 has seen a five-fold increase in the number of professional of FIFA athletes dying of cardiac arrest on soccer fields. Since teams have been routinely requiring players to be vaccinated for covid some are wondering whether the lightly tested vaccines might be responsible.

The US Vaccine Adverse Event Reporting System (VAERS) includes thousands of deaths occurring subsequent to injections of the covid vaccines. The vast majority of these deaths involve cardiovascular damage. Is it possible that the strain of attempting to play soccer after being vaccinated could bring down some of the fittest individuals on the planet?

Covid expert and vaccine investor Dr. Anthony Fauci discounted this possibility, saying that “I have seen no evidence that would support the hypothesis that the vaccines are causing these deaths. It is not uncommon for extreme physical exertion to cause a heart attack. The original Marathon runner collapsed and died immediately after completing his 26-mile run in 490 BCE. If more athletes are collapsing now it could be due to global warming.”

Former England and Southampton soccer player Matt Le Tissier said “I doubt global warming can account for this year’s phenomenal increase in players collapsing on the field. Something more immediately connected to a more recent event seems more likely. The only way to find out is to investigate why this is happening now.”

Fauci called the demand for an investigation “unwarranted. Investigations take time and money. That’s something we can’t spare while the pandemic still rages all around us. After we get everyone vaccinated and covid is finally defeated, then maybe we’ll have an opportunity to conduct the kind of investigation being sought by Mr. Le Tissier.”

By: John Semmens

Concerned that the duties of being vice-president may be too much for Kamala Harris to handle, President Biden has asked advisors “to see if there is a way to increase the number VPs. Take a look at the big corporations. Many of them have multiple vice-presidents. The job of running America is much more complicated than running a corporation. If corporations need more than one VP then surely the nation needs more as well.”

Biden is rumored to have suggested several names he wants considered. These include, Stacey Abrams, Michelle Obama, and Jill Biden. His Chief of Staff Ron Klain explained that “a powerful case can be made for each of these women. Stacey would have been elected governor of Georgia in 2018, but was cheated out of it due to Republican suppression of the black vote. Michelle was a very popular First Lady and a key player in the Obama Administration. And Jill has been very crucial to making the President appear presentable. There is also the community-property aspect to consider. As Joe’s wife she is legally entitled to half of everything he has.”

“Ideally, all three of these candidates could be sworn in as VPs,” Klain maintained. “Each would bring different skills and be assigned different tasks. Abrams would be perfect as a champion of the elimination of all existing voter ID laws. Michelle would be an authoritative voice for helping Americans get in shape by eating right and exercising regularly. Jill could continue to keep Joe from wandering into traffic. And, of course, Kamala could use her fluency in foreign languages to win the hearts and minds of our allies and adversaries around the world. All of them would garner much-needed recognition and help lighten the load on Joe.”