Manhattan DA’s Plan to Abolish Crime

By: John Semmens

Manhattan’s newly elected District Attorney Alvin Bragg has an innovative plan to abolish crime in the city. In Bragg’s view “there are just too many things that are illegal. This turns desperate people into criminals. Suppose a guy has an urgent need for money—there are drugs he needs to buy or stuff he wants to have but he can’t earn enough through honest work to get them. This forces him to rob someone to get the money he needs. The conventional opinion is that he ought to go to prison for doing this. I think we should be more lenient. Going forward I will treat armed robbery as a misdemeanor unless the victim is shot or killed.”

“As another example, many of the most violent crimes are committed be psychopaths,” Bragg observed. “These people can’t help the way they are. They shouldn’t be punished for what they do under the influence of their mental derangement. That would be cruel and unusual treatment in our modern more enlightened society. These people need counselling and care, not imprisonment or institutionalization. They will get treatment under my administration. I will replace law and order with sympathy and compassion so these afflicted individuals can live among us as valued members of the community.”

“This new approach will enable me to stop wasting time on petty crimes and focus more of my office’s resources on enforcing the vaccine passport,” Bragg said. “In the grand scheme of things people who refuse to be vaccinated pose a far greater danger to life and limb than the so-called criminals do. The death toll from covid has already surpassed 800,000. That’s twenty times higher than the number of homicides in the same time period. Suppressing vaccine refusers will save more lives than arresting all of the murderers. When the people of New York City realize the consequences I will bring down on them for their behavior they will either toe the line or get out of town. We’ll see how the ‘red states’ like being the destination of hordes of unrepentant anti-vaxxers.”

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