Robbery Victim Dissed by Mayor

By: John Semmens

After Gold Coast Exotic Motor Cars was the victim of a “smash and grab” robbery, Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot visited co-owner Joe Perino to chastise him for not taking a correct approach to the rising crime wave in the city.

“As I having been saying for a long time now, it’s the failure of businesses to take proper precautions that is the big factor in the surging crime rate,” Lightfoot insisted. “Look at all the mistakes that Perino’s business has made. First, there’s the name of the business. Including the word ‘exotic’ invites criminals’ attention. Second, offering expensive cars and watches—which were the items stolen in the smash and grab—is asking for trouble. Just these two mistakes alone sealed his fate. His refusal to rename his business to something less tempting like ‘Ordinary Automobiles and Cheap Watches,’ and carrying less valuable merchandise shows he is an idiot.”

Following his meeting with the Mayor Perino’s shop was invaded by a contingent from the Department of Business Affairs and Consumer Protection who ended up citing the business for 17 violations of City regulations, the most serious of which was “employees and a customer not wearing face masks.” A spokesman for the City said “the timing of the inspection was coincidental” and advised Perino “not to expect to see any arrests made for the robbery until he takes the Mayor’s advice more seriously. He needs to realize that he bears at least as much of the blame for the robbery as the thieves do.”

In related news, Chicago Alderman Michelle Smith (D-43rd ward) is suggesting that “the best way for us to fight crime is for citizens to run toward robbers while simultaneously blowing whistles whenever they witness a crime in progress. This will force the offender to flee and eventually lead to fewer crimes being attempted.” Smith boasted that “since the citizens aren’t on the City’s payroll like the police are we can also save money and show that police aren’t necessary to keep our community safe.”

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