By: John Semmens

Following up on his earlier demand that President Biden send assassins to kill Russian President Vladimir Putin, Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) went on “Fox and Friends” and called for “a broader net to be cast. It is shameful that our country is not unified behind the President in this time of war. Public figures who could and should be rallying the people behind his efforts to defeat Putin are going public with statements that sow doubt and distrust of his strategy.”

Admitting that he doesn’t yet have a comprehensive list, Graham named “Tucker Carlson, Tulsi Gabbard, and Donald Trump as highly visible targets whose elimination by US government agents would shock the American people into a sensible attitude toward the war.”

Graham dismissed fears of Russian retaliation as “implausible. Look, they can’t even subdue Ukraine. Russia is going to lose the war. Our jumping in on the winning side is the smart thing to do. We all need to be united on this idea. Everyone needs to know we mean business, especially Xi. Us taking out Putin and showing no mercy toward our own domestic traitors will send a fearsome message to the rest of the world.”

In related news, Sen. Robert Menendez (D-NJ) is urging President Biden to declare war on Ethiopia. “The genocide being carried out by the current regime needs to be stopped,” he demanded. “The detonation of a single low-yield nuclear device on that nation’s capital should do the trick. It would also serve as a clear warning to Russia that they could be next if they don’t withdraw from Ukraine.” Menendez called his idea “a lower risk path to world domination than the lame-brained ideas of Sen. Graham.”

By: John Semmens

Citing the year-over-year inflation rate of 8% posted this past February, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) sought to reassure everyone that “their government would be taken care of” as she announced “an additional $134 million has been put at our disposal to ensure that our work is not impeded by rising prices.”

“I know that a lot of Americans have been concerned about how hard inflation will hit it’s elected representatives,” the Speaker said. “They need not worry that we won’t be prepared to weather the storm. The added $134 million is an increase of 21% over last year. Unless prices skyrocket we should have money to spare. But if we don’t, there is a broad consensus across both Parties that additional funds can be appropriated.”

In related news, Pelosi acknowledged that “we are looking into whether to enact a supplemental appropriation to set aside compensation for Americans sanctioned by Putin in retaliation for the sanctions imposed by President Biden on Russians for the war in Ukraine. So far, Biden, his son Hunter, Hillary Clinton, Secretary of State Antony Blinken, Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Mark Milley and White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki have been hit with sanctions imposed by Putin. All of them stand to lose a substantial portion of the income they derive from their Russian business interests. This is an outrage that the American people won’t stand for. The government must be ready to make up for their losses.”

By: John Semmens

Rep. Kim Schrier (D-Wash) questioned the patriotism of those criticizing President Biden for the high price of gasoline, saying “it’s unAmerican to disagree with the President when there’s a war going on. Technically, we are not yet an acknowledged combatant in the Russia-Ukraine war, but that could change at any moment. The President says that rising gasoline prices are Putin’s fault. I think it is every American’s duty to not contradict him. Doing so gives aid and comfort to the enemy, which is called treason in the US Constitution—a crime punishable by death.”

Schrier cited the prosperity of the Trump Years as a “confounding factor. People got used to low prices and a robust economy where shoppers encountered fully stocked shelves. They came to think of this as normal. This nurtured a mentality where the notion that working for a living and buying whatever you wanted was considered a birth-right. Joe Biden was elected to change this. The new reality is that we can no longer afford this way of life.”

“Government must act to constrain America’s lifestyle,” she argued. “Earning money cannot be considered a carte blanche to spend it however you wish. It is government’s responsibility to determine what each person will be allowed to have. In most instances, this will mean having less. The President took executive action to initiate this transformation of how we live as soon as he was sworn in. One of the first things he did was cancel the Keystone Pipeline. This saved us from being inundated with nearly 900,000 gallons of oil per day. He also restricted new oil drilling leases. Naturally, these actions increased the price of gasoline. But unlike the price increases necessitated by Putin’s war, these were virtuous price increases for a good cause and people should joyfully pay them.”

By: John Semmens

The world’s foremost expert on covid warned that “a reinstitution of lockdowns and restrictions to fight covid may be necessary. To be honest, the pandemic is as bad as it ever was. The latest abandonment of restrictions by so many jurisdictions must be seen as temporary. An impatient American public must be placated between now and November in order to prevent the election of dissidents who will totally oppose the dramatic curtailments of freedom that are crucial to defeating the virus.”

“I ask people to take note of what China is doing as we are loosening mask mandates, vaccine passports, and censorship of misinformation,” the Doctor begged. “In China, whole cities are being locked down. Citizens are being forcibly vaccinated, and travel scaled back. China invented covid. They are the ultimate experts on this disease. If they are cracking down on personal freedoms how can we afford to take a different course?”

“I’m glad to see that the President’s new covid coordinator Dr. Ashish Jha has his head screwed on right,” Fauci observed. “He has endorsed vaccine passports as a necessary element of life going forward. It’s the only way we can ensure the appropriate differentiation between those who deserve access to the amenities society has to offer and those who don’t. People who have obeyed the command to get vaccinated need to be protected from those who haven’t. I think Dr. Jha will play a key role in seeing that this distinction is enforced.”

Fauci went on to commend New York City Mayor Eric Adams “for standing fast on the requirement for players on the Mets and Yankees to be vaccinated against covid if they want to play in City-owed ballparks. The success of the policy blocking Kyrie Irving from playing in home games at the Brooklyn Nets’ arena needs to be replicated across America. Sadly, the city authorities elsewhere don’t have the courage to make a similar stand for public health. Mayor Adams is a model for how government ought to work in a crisis.”

By: John Semmens

With many in Congress urging a u-turn from President Biden’s extraordinarily costly energy policy, the Administration has opted for seeking foreign sources to diminish the impact of boycotting Russian petroleum supplies. The heaviest efforts are focused on Venezuela and Iran as the favored options.

Sen. Marco Rubio (R-Fla) lambasted the idea of looking to Venezuela as a solution to America’s energy needs, pointing out that “relying on the cruel dictatorship running that country is a mistake. First, Venezuela is ideologically aligned with Russia. The notion that any negotiations with them could produce an acceptable resolution is far-fetched. Even if a deal is reached any money we pay will strengthen Maduro’s tyranny. Is aiding tyranny in our hemisphere a rational price to pay for efforts to deter tyranny in Ukraine?”

Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Tex) challenged the belief that buying oil from Iran could be a good alternative. “Iran is the world’s foremost sponsor of terrorism. It is an implacable enemy of the United States and Western Civilization. We should be starving them of resources that could be used for their evil plans. The best way to do this is to undo the energy suppression actions taken by President Biden during his first month in office. I have introduced legislation to repeal those actions.”

Press Secretary Jen Psaki made an effort to rebut these GOP initiated objections to the President’s policies, saying “the President is taking a long-term approach to the energy question. Of necessity, this requires pain and sacrifice be endured by every American. It is absolutely essential that the US energy industry be throttled down. It poses the greater long-term threat to the environment that any temporary purchases we may make from Venezuela or Iran. Addressing this threat takes priority over everything else.”

“Though providing funds to these unfriendly regimes will have some undesirable consequences, the President deems these consequences as more tolerable than the alternative,” the Secretary explained. “Likely as the money flowing to Iran would bankroll terrorist attacks in our country, the thousands of lives that could be lost are dwarfed by the millions or billions of lives that climate change would claim.”

“Finally, it will be easier to stop buying oil from foreign sources after the Ukraine crisis is over than it would be to reverse the kind of expansion in domestic production Sen. Cruz is pushing,” she added. “An economically robust domestic energy sector would pose a more serious threat to the election of Democrats needed to ensure that the transition to green energy remains on track. Meanwhile, Russia, Iran and Venezuela would be stuck with the obsolete infrastructure of fossil-fueled economies. It is a win-win scenario for America.”

Sen. Dick Durbin (D-IL) defended Biden’s policy by pointing out that “relying on domestic energy production would still let these companies profit from exploiting the consumers’ need for their product. Buying oil from Iran and Venezuela circumvents this pernicious practice. Any profiteering that occurs would be at the hands of foreigners. Our hands would be clean.”

By: John Semmens

Maryland State Senator William Smith (D-Takoma Park) has introduced “the Pregnant Person’s Freedom Act of 2022” (Bill 669). The bill would allow “abortions” to be carried out up to 28 days after birth. Smith described his bill as “a counterweight to other states’ laws—like the Texas heartbeat law—that shorten the period in which abortions can be performed. My bill would extended the opportunity for a mother to decide whether her child should live or be left to die of starvation or neglect.”

Smith contested accusations that abandoning infants to die is barbaric by pointing out that “abandoning unwanted infants was a practice employed by the Romans. Their magnificent civilization lasted for a thousand years. It was the antithesis of barbaric. Its advances in engineering, architecture, science, and art under Roman rule were the envy of the world. Who’s to say that weeding out the weak, sickly, and handicapped offspring wasn’t a vital contributor to its strength?”

American Center for Law and Justice (ACLJ) attorney Olivia Summers called the proposed legislation “cruel and unnecessary. It’s bad enough that Democrats deny the humanity of children still in the womb, but to allow parents to condemn their children to death after birth when there are already options to preserve life by permitting other families to adopt these babies is a crime against humanity. Maryland already has a ‘safe haven’ law that allows a distressed parent who is unable or unwilling to care for her infant to safely give up custody of the baby, no questions asked.”

By: John Semmens

U.S. Secretary of Education Miguel Cardona and assistant secretary for health at the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services Rachel Levine, traveled to Florida to slander that state’s recent enactment of the Parental Rights in Education legislation. Dubbing the law the “Don’t Say Gay” bill, Cardona declared that the Biden Administration “won’t stand for the kind of anti-LGBTQ bullying this law promotes.”

An example of the bullying Cardona is complaining about is the law’s prohibition of sexually explicit topics being introduced to students under 8 years old. “Every expert knows that the earlier start we get in transitioning to a different gender the better the results,” he said. “This law will delay the process by four years and produce the type of hideous outcome we see in Secretary Levine. It was only her strength of character that enabled her to overcome this to be named woman of the year by the USA Today newspaper.”

Gov. Ron DeSantis (R-Fla) defended the law, saying “young children need to be protected from being indoctrinated by advocates with a political agenda. Schools need to concentrate on helping them to read and write, understand basic math, and get along with their peers. The topic of sex should be reserved for a later age when the students are approaching puberty. This is what the majority of parents want from our public schools. It is what they ought to get.”

Levine slammed the Governor’s “pandering to parental paranoia and dictatorial control over their children’s lives. These people lack the credentials certifying the expertise needed to make the decisions on which sex their children really are before it is too late. The President is committed to liberating all children from the sort of domestic terrorism their parents subject them to.”

In a bid to slow the surging crime rate in their state, Sen. Andrew Gounardes (D-Brooklyn) and Assemblywoman Pat Fahy (D-Albany) have proposed a tax of 2 to 5 cents per round of ammunition.

Calling the traditional approach of increasing funding for police and imposing severe punishment of criminals “racist,” Gounardes believes “using economic incentives will have a greater impact. If every bullet fired costs more, fewer bullets will be fired. Instead of letting loose with a hundred bullet barrage, shooters will be more frugal in their firefights with rival gangs. Robbers will be incentivized to merely threaten to shoot rather than actually shoot shopkeepers they are stealing from.”

Fahy pointed out that “taxes, unlike police officers, never sleep. Perps who evade detection by police will still be hit with the ammo tax. The relentless toll of taxes on the operating budgets of criminal enterprises will be more effective in combating crime than the often befuddled and error prone cops. A side benefit of making ammunition more expensive is that so-called law-abiding citizens may also be discouraged from buying guns. This will eliminate many many accidental shootings and suicides—a benefit totally overlooked by Second Amendment fanatics.”

By: John Semmens

This week, California child care licensing investigators made a surprise raid on three Aspen Leaf Preschools in the San Diego area. During a routine visit in December state health inspectors discovered that most of the students were not wearing masks. During the surprise raid teams of investigators terrorized the youngsters for hours alleging that their teachers were trying to make them sick by not making them wear masks.

Parents were furious when they learned of the raid from their frightened children later on the day of the raid. “The school was very open about its decision not to require the children to wear masks,” said Rosita Lopez, mother of a four-year old son at the school. “He hates wearing a mask. He’s never gotten sick during the whole pandemic. From what I’ve read, young children are at very little risk from covid. Besides, the masking requirement was within days of expiration when the raid was conducted.”

Kevin Gaines, deputy director of child care licensing, said “it doesn’t matter whether parents are okay with their kids not masking up. Nor does it matter that the mask requirement was already scheduled to end on March 11. Neither does it matter that the latest research indicates that the kind of masks required are ineffective against covid. A rule is a rule and it is our duty to enforce it. How else can we train people to obey rules if we don’t enforce them? Inducing fear in the school, among the children, or among the parents is a good thing if it inspires compliance, no matter how egregious or unnecessary the rules may turn out to be.”

By: John Semmens

New York City Mayor Eric Adams has called for Major League Baseball to achieve a proportional representation of female players on each team. “It is a disgrace that baseball hasn’t accorded women a fair share of the roster slots,” Adams exclaimed. “It took them more than half a century to allow blacks to play in their leagues. Now it’s time they allowed women to play.”

The Mayor dismissed objections that women cannot compete on the same field as men. “This is simply not true,” he insisted. “Right now, our city softball leagues have coed teams. With a few similar modifications of the rules, MLB could easily achieve a similar result.” The most noticeable modification would be to install pop-up outfield fences that are 100 feet closer than the regular fences when females are batting.

Adams admitted that he can’t force other cities to adopt the same roster proportions of male and female players or the modifications that would make mixed gender play feasible, but asserted that “I can and will order the Yankees and Mets to do the right thing for games played in New York City. So, starting next year at least 50% of their players in home games must be female. Our City will blaze a new path toward equity in this great sport and inspire a nation to follow suit.”