Biden’s Ukraine Strategy Called “Brilliant”

By: John Semmens

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) called President Biden’s Strategy for handling the war in Ukraine “brilliant.” Asked to briefly describe the strategy, she said “no one knows what it is. That’s what makes it brilliant. The incoherence of simultaneously announcing sanctions, but continuing to purchase oil from Russia defies comprehension. The combination of talking tough while avoiding any effective countermeasures has got to be driving Putin nuts.”

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton bolstered the Democrat meme by asserting that “the President’s response has been well executed. He has been able to rally our NATO allies to echo his tough talk. So, to the general public its looks like the kind of united front that Trump could never have achieved given his repeated demands that our allies pay their fair share of the costs for the defense of their countries.”

Press Secretary Jen Psaki said “the President’s redeployment of Border Patrol agents to Ukraine is ingenious and innovative. These people have been aiding invaders from Mexico to reach desired destinations in America by putting them on planes and flying them there. Once they are sent to Ukraine they will be able to tempt Russian troops with the same offer. Coming to the United States with all-expenses-paid has got to be a better deal than getting shot by armed Ukrainian civilians. I think this policy is Nobel Peace Prize worthy.”

Word that Ukraine’s President Zelenskyy and Putin are trying to arrange a meeting to achieve peace was strongly denounced by State Department spokesperson Ned Price who maintained that “the President has not authorized these negotiations and will not be bound by any agreement between them to end hostilities. More than the peace between these two countries is at stake. Both must make a show of crediting the President for inspiring them to reconcile. This needs to include a multi-million dollar cash payment to the President’s son for the efforts President Biden has made toward quelling this crisis.”

In related news, the Russian invasion of Ukraine has apparently ruined The View’s Joy Behar’s planned European vacation. “How can I fly to Italy when a Russian fighter plane may shoot down the plane I’m on?” she whined. “I blame Trump.”

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