Biden Will Visit East Palestine “When It Is Safe”

Ohio Gov. Mike DeWine’s request that President Biden visit the site of the rail disaster in his state was not well-received at the White House. “If he can go to Ukraine to boost the morale of the people there, why can’t he come to Ohio to boost the morale of Americans who are hurting from one of the worse train crashes in our history?” DeWine asked.

Biden responded that “it’s too dangerous for me to risk my life or health on a totally unnecessary visit to the highly toxic environment in East Palestine. Experts have already estimated that tens of thousands of animals and fish downwind and downstream of the derailment have died. Who knows how many humans will become sick and die. The Secret Service tells me it is too dangerous for me go there now. Pressuring me to go there could be construed as an attempt on my life.”

The President pointed out that “my administration’s top transportation expert was there last week. I have no particular skill or knowledge above-and-beyond whatever he had to offer. As far as boosting morale goes, if Pete Buttigieg couldn’t suffice I don’t see how I can help. I mean, what kind of morale boost would it be if an 80-year-old man were to keel over in the middle of town? I will come when it is safe to do so–maybe next year or after I’m reelected in 2024–although, by then there wouldn’t be much point in making the trip.”

In related news, the Department of Transportation’s (DOT) Inspector General has announced an audit of Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg’s use of private jets. Buttigieg is known to have taken at least 18 flights using taxpayer money to fly on private jets since he took office in 2021. Sen. Marco Rubio (R-Fla) says he requested the audit “because it is unclear why Secretary Buttigieg would require such costly travel when more economical options were available.” Buttigieg defended his private flights by pointing out “our country’s public transportation systems are unreliable and dangerous. Those of us who rule this nation shouldn’t be forced to waste our time or risk our lives using the modes intended for ordinary people.”

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