Election Oddities

By John Semmens

In the New Hampshire town of Columbia, Sen. Maggie Hassan (D) received 1106 votes. Her opponent Don Bolduc (R) received 193 votes. The town of Columbia has a total population of 695 persons. New Hampshire Democratic Party Chairman Raymond Buckley attributed the numerical discrepancy to “the possibility that Democrats might have been more enthusiastic about voting than the Republicans were.’

In Pennsylvania, on election night Delaware County Board of Elections officials routed a van carrying ballots to a closed building out of sight of poll watchers. Six hours later these ballots were added to the official tallies. Laureen Hagan, Chief Clerk, Bureau of Elections suggested that “the peace and quiet of the offsite building probably made completing the count easier.”

In California, a bag containing one or two dozen ballots was found in a ravine in the Santa Cruz Mountains. These votes were added to the official tallies. Alfred Gonzales, Election Division Coordinator, said “although there was no ‘chain-of-custody’ to verify whether these ballots were cast by registered voters we felt rather than disenfranchise these ballots from unknown voters it would be better to just count them. After all, someone went to the trouble to fill them out. We shouldn’t let that effort go to waste.”

In Arizona’s Maricopa County, 30% of the voting locations experienced problems accepting and/or tallying ballots. Kari Lake, the Republican candidate for governor complained that “these problems effectively disenfranchised unknown thousands of voters in this Republican majority county. Many working people could not afford the lengthy delays. Others were advised to place their uncounted ballots in a mysterious ‘door three’ box.”

Her opponent Secretary of State Katie Hobbs dismissed Lake’s complaint, saying “given all the times I’ve heard MAGA Republicans say they’d crawl over broken glass to vote against me, I’m surprised that a little delay at some of the polls could dissuade them from casting their ballots. Anyway, no one can prove that the election day problems were intentional. After all, Lake herself said the election was being run by imbeciles. She should have anticipated that there might be problems and urged her followers to vote early or by mail like most Democrats did.”

In other election news, Berlin’s highest court declared the September 26th, 2021 elections held for state parliament, state senate, and national Bundestag to be redone because of election day problems including insufficient numbers of ballots, long lines, and early poll closures. An unknown number of voters were disenfranchised. The chaos was deemed “too severe for the declared results to be permitted to stand.”

Biden Rails Against “Enemies of Democracy”

President Biden made his closing argument to voters in a largely unwatched TV broadcast. He warned that “failure to vote Democrat means siding with the enemies of our democracy. It’s right there on your ballot. Candidates with a ‘D’ after their names are friends of democracy. Candidates with an ‘R’ after their names are rebelling against our democracy.”

As proof of the veracity of his contention, Biden cited the 2 am attack on Paul Pelosi by MAGA extremist David DePape, calling it “emblematic of the type of political violence instigated against democracy by Donald Trump. The brazen nature of this assault was demonstrated by the fact that DePape waited until the police were present before he hit Paul in the head with a hammer. This is the type of lawlessness spawned by incessant Republican resistance to the unity I have been striving to achieve.”

Republican National Committee Chairwoman Ronna McDaniel described Biden’s speech as “desperate and dishonest. If anything, the attack on Paul Pelosi illustrates why Democrats’ soft on crime policies are inspiring voters to opt for change. It took the breach of a residence with top-of-the-line security alarms and cameras to gain the attention of a Democrat Party that has been actively ignoring the surge in attacks on ordinary citizens enabled by their policies that let dangerous people go free without posting bail.”

Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre defended her boss, saying “comparing the rapes, stabbings, and shootings of unimportant people to the nearly fatal hammering of the 82-year-old husband of the Speaker of the House of Representatives is shameful. Our society can easily survive the losses inflicted on people who are not vital to the successful functioning of our democracy. The President is confident that voters will be able to make this distinction and reelect the Democrats that are vital to preserving our democracy.”

Sen. Senator Tom Cotton (R-Ark) observed that “to Biden, ‘democracy’ means one thing: Democrats having complete power.” Rep. Andy Biggs (R-Az) contended that “the President’s notion of what constitutes democracy looks an awful lot like tyranny to any sane person.”

Leftist Literati Call for Censorship

A gaggle of 547 leftist “intellectuals” have signed a letter demanding that Penguin Random House cancel its agreement with Supreme Court Justice Amy Coney Barrett to publish a book she just wrote about maintaining judicial impartiality. The letter begins with a quote from Academy Award winning film producer Lord David Putnam that calls for a “balance freedom of expression with wider moral and social responsibilities.”

The “wider moral and social responsibility” which Justice Barrett apparently failed to uphold was her participation in this year’s US Supreme Court ruling overturning the 1973 Roe v. Wade decision. The letter appeals to a “higher authority,” citing the UN’s Universal Declaration of Human Rights’ “recognition of abortion access as a fundamental human right.”

Justice Coney Barrett called the letter “fundamentally flawed and unpersuasive. The US Supreme Court is bound to obey the US Constitution’s limits on the wielding of power, not the UN’s declarations. The authority to make laws regarding abortion fall under the Tenth Amendment clause ‘the powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.’ The 1973 Court had no authority to establish either a right to abortion or a regulation of abortion. The Court’s decision rendered earlier this year corrected the 1973 error and restored the power that had been usurped by the 1973 Court back to the states.”

The Justice added that “since abortion allows one human to take the life of another a human, the assertion by the UN that doing so is a ‘fundamental human right’ is a logical absurdity. Likewise, this group’s contention that blocking the publication of my book is not censorship demonstrates a failure to grasp the meaning of the First Amendment.”

Attorney General Merrick Garland criticized Barrett’s “out-dated interpretation of the Supreme Court’s role in our government. Tying us to a 200 year-old piece of paper is the antithesis of a progressive society. The tragedy of this year’s Dobbs decision would have been avoided if my appointment to the Court hadn’t been blocked by the Republicans in 2016. As it was, Roe v. Wade was too stingy with abortion rights. It allowed states to restrict abortions occurring in the third trimester of pregnancy. If I were in Barrett’s place I would have expanded abortion rights beyond the narrow window Roe v. Wade established.”

Meanwhile, Garland’s goons in the FBI are preparing dossiers on those who spread “misleading” information about the upcoming elections. In leaked internal emails, agents were advised to be on the lookout for “election crimes that are committed intentionally or inadvertently by making false or inaccurate statements by candidates or their supporters that could lead to votes being diverted to dangerous enemies of democracy.”

Could one of these dangerous enemies of democracy be President Biden? This week he claimed that “gasoline prices when I took office in January of 2021 were over $5 per gallon. We have now gotten them down to $3.39.” Neither statement is correct. The average price when he took office was $2.39. The current national average price is $3.77 per gallon. The New York Times insisted “this is just good old Joe being folksy–like the time he bragged about having hairy legs. It’s definitely not false or inaccurate.”

Democrats Lose Series of Debates

In New York

Sitting Democrat Gov. Kathy Hochul squared off against GOP Rep. Lee Zeldin in a one hour televised debate. While Zeldin zeroed in on what he characterized as the Democrat’s policy failures–high crime rates, high tax rates, and pandemic oppression, Hochul remained unfazed, professing herself “mystified by Mr. Zeldin’s obsession with crime. Why is it so important to lock up criminals?”

She brushed off reporters’ questions on this topic by pointing out that “most of the malcontents opposed to the state’s criminal justice reform, high taxes, and covid coercion have already moved out of the state. Loyal Democrats out-number Republicans by a wide margin. There’s no way Zeldin can win.”

In Michigan

Republican gubernatorial candidate Tudor Dixon hammered incumbent Democrat Gov. Gretchen Whitmer for her “tyrannical pandemic edicts,” saying “our children’s education was set back by lengthy school closures. Their health is endangered by government pressure to take the experimental covid vaccines even though they are at very low risk from the disease. She urged the people to ‘get the jab and get your liberties and freedoms back.'”

Whitmer responded by falsely alleging that “schools were only closed for three months” and promising “to ease up on coercion that is no longer necessary as the vast majority of the population has already been vaccinated. Voters can trust that in the future I would never do anything that isn’t for their own good.” A Michigan-based Fox affiliate weighed in on Whitmer’s behalf by running a commercial during Dixon’s opening statement.

In Pennsylvania

The inarticulate Democrat senate candidate John Fetterman blamed the closed captioning equipment he was allowed to use so his staff could feed him answers to the debate questions for his poor performance. An example of the “malfunctioning” device came when Fetterman was asked by a moderator to reconcile his 2018 statement that “I don’t support fracking, at all and I never have” with his current assertion that he does. “I do support fracking. And, I don’t, I don’t—I support fracking, and I stand, and I do support fracking.” Fetterman said.

Gary Weitman, Communications Officer for the station airing the debate asserted that “the equipment was not to blame for Mr. Fetterman’s debate disaster. CNN’s Chris Cuomo said “Fetterman struggled and his fitness for office is now in question.” In a poll of those who saw the debate 82% said GOP candidate Dr. Mehmet Oz won the debate. “The View” loudmouth Joy Behar, insisted that “Oz broke the Hippocratic oath of ‘do no harm.’ As a doctor he should have stepped aside and let Fetterman run unopposed because the disabled deserve representation in Congress and Fetterman clearly fits the bill.” The good news for Fetterman is that half of the mail-in votes were cast before the debate was aired.

In Arizona

Candidate for governor Secretary of State Katie Hobbs (D) refuses to debate GOP candidate Kari Lake. Hobbs said “a debate would be a strategic blunder for me. Lake is a communications expert with two decades of experience conveying ideas and information to voters. It’s a no-win proposition for me to face her. You know, a famous statesman once said ‘those who vote decide nothing, those who count the votes decide everything.’ My strength lies in the fact that I am in charge of counting the votes. I’ll put my energy into this phase of the election. We’ll see who comes out on top November 8th.”

Prior to Hobbs snubbing the debate the race was too close to call. Since Hobbs’ refusal to debate has been noticed by voters, polls show Lake up by double digits. Whether Hobbs’ vote-counting expertise can overcome Lake’s apparent lead with voters remains to be seen.

By John Semmens

Abortion the Top Priority for Democrats

By John Semmens

This week President Biden announced that the first piece of legislation that he will ask Congress to enact in 2023 is “a bill restoring the nationwide right to an abortion that was illegally undone by the Supreme Court this year. The notion that each state should be allowed to decide for itself whether to permit or restrict this sacred right is the kind of disunity that I pledged to eradicate when I took my oath of office in January of 2021. We simply cannot not abide different rights in different states.”

“Not only should every woman everywhere be allowed to obtain an abortion,” Biden added. “The government must cover the cost of the procedure so that even the poorest woman has an equal opportunity to dispose of an unwanted child at no out-of-pocket cost. The contention that one’s personal religious beliefs or ethical objections to killing an unborn baby should exempt him from being compelled to finance another person’s abortion is at odds with the principles of a progressive society and can no longer be tolerated.”

Biden’s pitch for a nationwide expansion of abortion rights was seconded by Georgia Democratic gubernatorial nominee Stacey Abrams, who maintains that “restricting abortion enslaves women. Bearing and raising children is hard work. Denying women the option of avoiding this work by limiting their access to abortion is slavery, pure and simple.” Abrams also went on to recommend that “a good way to offset the impact of rising prices would be to abort that extra mouth to feed during these hard times.”

Rep. Eric Swalwell (D-Calif) is running a reelection campaign ad that urges women “to avoid the risk of being arrested for killing your unborn child by voting Democrat. Republicans are willing to allow states to restrict when–typically not after viability–and how–usually barring dismemberment or requiring anesthesia to prevent the baby from experiencing pain–abortions are performed. Only a Democrat majority in Congress can be counted on to maintain a ‘no holds barred’ approach to ending an unwanted pregnancy. Remember that when you cast your ballots.”

Dems Blame Moderators

Gov. Gretchen Whitmer (D-Mich) and Rep. Elissa Slotkin (D-Mich) blamed their lackluster performances in two separate debates this week on the debate moderators.

During her debate with Whitmer, Republican challenger Tudor Dixon argued that “I am merely trying to call attention to the gap between the Governor’s 2018 pre-election promises and her performance in office. Rather than keeping the people safe from criminals she wants to disarm law-abiding gun owners. While rioting in America’s streets over the death of George Floyd was killing people and destroying property the Governor said she supported the ‘spirit’ of the defund the police movement.”

Whitmer complained that Dixon “showed complete disregard for my emergency powers as governor. She was repeatedly allowed to use my own words against me. The moderators should have called her out for doing this to me. There was no real-time fact-checking of the sort that the media has consistently applied to proponents of unacceptable views and opinions over the past two years of the pandemic.”

After her debate with Republican state Sen. Tom Barrett, Slotkin was especially aggrieved that Tim Skubick of WLNS, the person she hand-picked to moderate, did not raise the abortion issue during the October 6 debate. “Skubick’s excuse that we had already covered this ground in our September 25 debate was indefensible,” Slotkin ranted. “I didn’t choose him as a moderator to be an impartial journalist. I chose him to help me make my case for reelection. His failure to fulfill my expectations was disrespectful.” After the tongue lashing from Slotkin, Skubick apologized.

Trump Plea for Peace Rejected

By John Semmens

Alarmed by the increasingly dangerous rhetoric regarding the Ukraine-Russian war, former President Donald Trump has offered to try “to negotiate peace before we lapse into World War III.” President Biden objected to “this unwanted intrusion. I won the 2020 election, not Trump. I represent the will of the people. What Trump wants doesn’t matter. What I want does. We are confronting Putin’s threat to use nukes in Ukraine and countering it with our threat to nuke Russia if he does.”

Biden went on to point out that “all the great thinkers are with me on this. European Union foreign policy chief Josep Borrell says we should annihilate the Russian Army if they use nukes against Ukraine. Rep. Liz Cheney and all the mainstream Republicans back standing up to Putin. Ukraine’s President Volodymyr Zelensky has already called for a nuclear strike on Russia. We are unified in our position of strength.”

Biden went on to mock those who fear nuclear war, saying “I see that failed presidential candidate Tulsi Gabbard—you know, I beat her before I beat Trump—has leaped on the cowards’ express train—even going so far as to leave the Democratic Party that allowed her to represent the state of Hawaii in Congress. And that kooky Hungarian Prime Minister Viktor Orban who believes Trump could do a better job on this issue than I can. Does he not recognize that I can have the FBI arrest Trump whenever I want to? Putin should know that nobody f***s with a Biden. And if he doesn’t, well, we are prepared. I can be inside the White House bomb-proof shelter within minutes. I have purchased $290 million worth of Chinese anti-radiation drugs to treat the survivors of any nuclear exchange we have with Russia.”

Gabbard responded to Biden’s eagerness for war, saying that “his thinking on this issue vindicates my decision to leave the Democratic Party because it is now under the complete control of an elitist cabal of warmongers driven by cowardly wokeness, who divide us by racializing every issue, stoke anti-white racism, actively work to undermine our God-given freedoms, are hostile to people of faith and spirituality, demonize the police and protect criminals at the expense of law-abiding Americans, believe in open borders, weaponize the national security state to go after political opponents, and above all, are dragging us ever closer to nuclear war.”

In related news, Sen. Chris Murphy (D-Conn) suggested that “a little saber rattling in the direction of Saudi Arabia for their refusal to help out our Party by delaying their oil production cuts until after the November elections seems warranted. For years we have looked the other way as Saudi Arabia has chopped up journalists and engaged in massive political repression, for one reason: we wanted to know that when the chips were down, we could count on them to help us out. If we’re going to nuke Russia maybe we could also launch a few at Saudi Crown Price Mohammed bin Salman.”

Google Blocking GOP Emails

By John Semmens

Republican National Committee chairwoman Ronna McDaniel complained that “this week we discovered that Google’s gmail algorithm designates emails originating from Republican authors as ’spam.’ This routes them into users’ spam folders where they go unnoticed and unread. So far, an estimated 22 million of our emails have suffered this fate. This is outrageous voter suppression by big tech and we have to hold them accountable.”

Google CEO Sundar Pichai defended the algorithm as “part of our customer service. Rather than letting gmail users be inundated with the despicable lies propagated by people that President Biden has identified as ‘enemies of our democracy,’ we are sparing them the time and trouble of having them pop up in their inboxes. Since we offer gmail service for free we feel it is our constitutional right to censor speech of which we disapprove.”

Trump Offers Services

By John Semmens

The recent success of Ukraine’s counterattack against the Russian troops that invaded has sent them into a disorderly retreat. Putin has sent press gangs around Russia to draft 300,000 more men into his army. A bogus referendum held in parts of the Russian-occupied portions of Ukraine is being used to justify their annexation to Russia. Belarus is offering to send 100,000 troops to help defend the annexed territory from Ukrainian aggression. Last, but not least, Putin is threatening to use nuclear weapons—citing the precedent established by the atomic bombs the US dropped on Japan to end World War II.

President Biden has taken a basic “bring it on stance” and promised to “do whatever is necessary to defeat Russian aggression.” This included a February 24 threat to prevent the use of Russia’s Nord Stream Pipeline if Russia invaded Ukraine. This week, that pipeline was blown up. In addition, Biden has managed to funnel more than $50 billion in military aid to the government of Ukraine—a step which leaves US stockpiles of non-nuclear weapons at severely depleted levels.

Concerned that we may be on the road to World War III, former President Trump has offered his deal-making services to President Biden. “We need to be strategic, be smart and get a negotiated deal done NOW!” Trump said. “Both sides need it. The entire World is at stake.”

Biden rejected Trump’s offer, saying “if the American people had wanted Trump to handle foreign affairs they wouldn’t have elected me. His attempt to meddle in foreign affairs is a violation of the Logan Act. This is yet another demonstration of Trump’s intent to overthrow our democracy and will be added to the list of charges against him which is currently being compiled by Attorney General Garland. I will do things my way. I will call Putin’s bluff. I will remind him that the bunker I have is far more secure than the Hitler bunker that Russian troops overran at the end of World War II was.”

FBI Retaliates Against Whistleblower

By John Semmens

This week, FBI Special Agent Steve Friend, a respected 12-year veteran of the FBI, was suspended, his badge and firearm confiscated, and was escorted out of the building after he complained about some of the Agency’s actions. His complaint to DOJ Inspector General Michael Horowitz cited multiple violations of FBI policy including the falsification of data, use of excessive force against non-violent subjects accused of misdemeanor offenses, and political bias against conservatives.

“I didn’t like the idea of sending heavily-armed SWAT teams on dawn raids of persons suspected of what, at best, would be misdemeanor offenses,” Friend explained. “I suggested alternatives such as the issuance of a court summons or utilizing surveillance groups to determine an optimal, safe time for a local sheriff’s deputy to contact the subjects and advise them about the existence of the arrest warrant. For this I was told I was a ‘bad teammate.’”

FBI Director Christopher called Friend “the kind of mole that must be rooted out and removed from having access to sensitive government operations. His challenge to orders that he considers ill-conceived is a threat to the Agency’s morale. The smooth functioning of the FBI relies on immediate obedience to the directives of one’s superior officers. We can’t fight the enemies of democracy very effectively if we harbor one of them in our midst. Friend’s claim that many other field agents share his views shows that there is a conspiracy of disloyal Americans that have infiltrated our Agency. His refusal to name names constitutes obstruction of justice. Being ousted from his job is just the beginning of the troubles he will experience in the near future.”