Pro-Abortion Terrorists Promise “No More Mercy”

Jane’s Revenge, a terrorist group responsible for firebombing dozens of pro-life pregnancy centers, announced “the expiration of our 30 days of mercy toward these enemies of women’s rights to terminate their unwanted offspring. We gave you a respite from attack so you could shutdown your false efforts to persuade women that you offer a humane alternative to abortion. That’s a lie. Abortion is the only humane alternative. Bringing more children into the world only exposes them to pain. The crushing burden of unneeded lives endangers the survival of the planet. We promise to take increasingly drastic measures against the oppressive propagation of more humans.”

The group vowed “a relentless and merciless campaign of murder and destruction against any person or organization that refuses to accede to our demands. These demands include the total censorship of all views—printed or oral—favoring any limits on the sacred rite of abortion, the disbanding of any pregnancy services other than abortion, and the dismantling of any women’s health centers that do not prescribe abortion as the best and only sure cure for pregnancy. We encourage everyone who shares our views to yield to their urge to assault any pregnant person they see—to pummel, cut, or burn the fetus she carries—to spread fear far and wide until the pestilence known as humanity is exterminated.”

President Biden blamed the US Supreme Court “for provoking the righteous wrath of these idealistic young people” and pledged to “take whatever actions are necessary to mitigate the disaster the Court’s anti-abortion ruling will unleash.”

Those familiar with the President’s feelings on the issue predict that “he will have no alternation but to forbid states from enacting any new laws imposing any limits on the availability of abortions within their jurisdictions. Troops are likely to be sent to provide protection for every Planned Parenthood facility in every state. Agents from the FBI will be given orders to shutter every pro-life pregnancy center for their own protection. By doing these things in an orderly and legal fashion he believes he will eliminate the need for Jane’s Revenge to have to use violence to achieve their goals.”

In contrast, several Republicans have called for the FBI to investigate Jane’s Revenge for their admitted firebombings, saying “if mothers raising questions about the curriculum at school board meetings are worthy of FBI investigation as domestic terrorists, then people who commit arson against these pro-life pregnancy centers ought to be investigated.”

While the FBI issued a public statement saying it would look into the matter, Justice Department Civil rights division chief Kristen Clarke called the pro-life centers, which counsel pregnant women on alternatives to abortion, “harmful and predatory against women of color. Without the Roe v. Wade ruling in 1973 black women wouldn’t have been able to so easily abort the 19 million babies they got rid of since then. The current Court’s reversal of that 1973 ruling would be a crime.”

Sen. Marco Rubio (R-Fla) was appalled by Clarke’s remarks. “Setting a building on fire is a crime. Stalking Justice Kavanaugh with the intention of murdering him is a crime. Legislating from the bench, as the Supreme Court did in the Roe v. Wade decision, was a usurpation that needs to be reversed, not a crime. Clarke shows that she is manifestly unfit for the office she now holds.”

Pro-Abortion Terrorists Promise “No More Mercy”

Jane’s Revenge, a terrorist group responsible for firebombing dozens of pro-life pregnancy centers, announced “the expiration of our 30 days of mercy toward these enemies of women’s rights to terminate their unwanted offspring. We gave you a respite from attack so you could shutdown your false efforts to persuade women that you offer a humane alternative to abortion. That’s a lie. Abortion is the only humane alternative. Bringing more children into the world only exposes them to pain. The crushing burden of unneeded lives endangers the survival of the planet. We promise to take increasingly drastic measures against the oppressive propagation of more humans.”

The group vowed “a relentless and merciless campaign of murder and destruction against any person or organization that refuses to accede to our demands. These demands include the total censorship of all views—printed or oral—favoring any limits on the sacred rite of abortion, the disbanding of any pregnancy services other than abortion, and the dismantling of any women’s health centers that do not prescribe abortion as the best and only sure cure for pregnancy. We encourage everyone who shares our views to yield to their urge to assault any pregnant person they see—to pummel, cut, or burn the fetus she carries—to spread fear far and wide until the pestilence known as humanity is exterminated.”

President Biden blamed the US Supreme Court “for provoking the righteous wrath of these idealistic young people” and pledged to “take whatever actions are necessary to mitigate the disaster the Court’s anti-abortion ruling will unleash.”

Those familiar with the President’s feelings on the issue predict that “he will have no alternation but to forbid states from enacting any new laws imposing any limits on the availability of abortions within their jurisdictions. Troops are likely to be sent to provide protection for every Planned Parenthood facility in every state. Agents from the FBI will be given orders to shutter every pro-life pregnancy center for their own protection. By doing these things in an orderly and legal fashion he believes he will eliminate the need for Jane’s Revenge to have to use violence to achieve their goals.”

In contrast, several Republicans have called for the FBI to investigate Jane’s Revenge for their admitted firebombings, saying “if mothers raising questions about the curriculum at school board meetings are worthy of FBI investigation as domestic terrorists, then people who commit arson against these pro-life pregnancy centers ought to be investigated.”

While the FBI issued a public statement saying it would look into the matter, Justice Department Civil rights division chief Kristen Clarke called the pro-life centers, which counsel pregnant women on alternatives to abortion, “harmful and predatory against women of color. Without the Roe v. Wade ruling in 1973 black women wouldn’t have been able to so easily abort the 19 million babies they got rid of since then. The current Court’s reversal of that 1973 ruling would be a crime.”

Sen. Marco Rubio (R-Fla) was appalled by Clarke’s remarks. “Setting a building on fire is a crime. Stalking Justice Kavanaugh with the intention of murdering him is a crime. Legislating from the bench, as the Supreme Court did in the Roe v. Wade decision, was a usurpation that needs to be reversed, not a crime. Clarke shows that she is manifestly unfit for the office she now holds.”

Biden Demands More Gas

Though he has promised to end fossil fuels, President Biden now threatens to use emergency war powers to commandeer the assets of oil producers located in the US. Brushing aside the steps he’s already taken to reduce the supply of energy in this country by cancelling the Keystone Pipeline and numerous new drilling leases, Biden asserted that “I’m giving oil producers one last chance to do the right thing.”

ExxonMobil CEO Darren Woods pointed out that “our company has invested $118 billion on new oil and gas supplies over the past five years. We have made the necessary expenditures and would be happy to meet consumer demand. Future profits are needed to recoup these expenditures and reward the stockholders who provided the capital to make it happen. This is how the free enterprise system works.”

Jeff Ramsey, Chairman of the Board for the American Fuel & Petrochemical Manufacturers (AFPM), joined with Mike Sommers, President and CEO of the American Petroleum Institute (API), to second Woods, saying “our industry is dedicated to providing affordable, reliable, and sustainable fuels and other petroleum products for Americans and our global allies, as we have done for decades, including throughout the COVID pandemic. Crude oil has no utilitarian value until it runs through a refinery and gets processed into fuels. It’s not an overstatement to say that energy security requires a strong refining sector.”

Biden said “the notion that there can be a free enterprise solution is insane. Meeting needs is more important than earning profits. Refusing to unselfishly meet the needs of the people is why I decided to end fossil fuels. My decision is irrevocable. The oil industry in this country is doomed. The only decent thing left for them to do is die with honor like the mortally wounded combat soldier who saves his buddies by throwing his body on top of a live grenade. If they won’t make this sacrifice voluntarily I’ll have no choice but to force them to do it.”

Biden Climate Czar John Kerry augmented the President’s position by arguing that “since only electric vehicles will be allowed after 2035, it would be senseless for us to allow anymore investment in these petroleum industries. The President’s decision to use his emergency authority to put these companies out of business is a sound plan that will save the nation’s scarce resources from being frivolously wasted. By switching to environmentally friendly wind and solar power our planet will be saved from climate catastrophe. As we learned from the pandemic, people can do quite well sheltering at home. In the green America we envision they can do the same on cloudy and windless days. Their needs can be met by receiving government assistance checks.”

CDC Addresses Monkeypox

By: John Semmens

Pessimistic about the prospects of dissuading at-risk persons from having sex with carriers of the monkeypox virus, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) published “safe sex guidelines.”

The guidelines included: “try to maintain a minimum of six feet between you and your sex partner, avoid kissing—blown kisses cannot be considered safe, so don’t do that either, do not remove any clothing, conceal any pox sores on your face by wearing your covid mask and a knit cap pulled down over your forehead, wear gloves if you have sores on your hands, remember to wash off any semen or feces they may get on your hands while masturbating, and burn your clothes when done.”

Tedros Adhanom, Director-General‎ of the World Health Organization (WHO) says “we are working on a new name for the disease because the current name stigmatizes having sex with monkeys. In many parts of the world, polygamy leaves many men without much of an opportunity to interact with a human female. Some of these men have turned to monkeys or other men as substitutes. They don’t deserve the added humiliation implied by the term monkeypox.”

“A favored option for a new name is African Covid,” Adhanom said. “In addition to the pox sores, patients experience a flu-like illness. First, most of the victims of monkeypox are Africans, Second, covid is a flu-like illness. Luckily we have lots of covid vaccine doses leftover. By naming it African Covid we can make use of the leftover doses without looking too stupid for ordering so much of an ineffective medication. We can also boost the number of Africans injected up to respectable levels and mute criticisms that Africans didn’t get their fair share of the vaccines.”

In related news, Pfizer has discontinued its clinical trial for Paxlovid, its COVID-19 antiviral medication. CEO Albert Bourla explained, “the Trial showed that Paxlovid did not reduce symptoms, hospitalizations, or deaths among those receiving the drug. This replicates the trial results we got for the mRNA covid vaccine. Following the same procedure our next step is to seek emergency use approval. I doubt Paxlovid sales will equal the bonanza we reaped from the vaccine, but a few more billion dollars in profits is better than none.”

Peace-Circles” to Fight Crime in Chicago

By: John Semmens

Convinced that police, prosecutors, and prisons are inhumane methods for combating crime, Chicago is trying a “peace-circle” approach. Local advocate for the idea Howard Zehr contends that “bringing victims and perpetrators face-to-face can achieve restorative justice because it allows the participants in the original so-called crime to meet again and make their apologies. This inspires a healing process that will do more to discourage future harmful interactions than simply locking up the assumed offender.”

After he was caught in possession of an illegal gun, prosecutors wanted Ojani Cruz to be held in jail, but a judge let him out on his own recognizance and he was later sent to a peace-circle where his arrest record was expunged. A month later Cruz emptied his gun trying to kill a woman, but only paralyzed her for life by severing her spinal cord.

Cook County Chief Judge Timothy Evans unapologetically defended the lax treatment Cruz received, saying “people who hurt other people have generally been hurt themselves. Rather than ruining their lives by sending them to prison we need to let them be free to work out their inner demons so they can become useful members of society.”

In another example, Klevontaye White was let loose with only an ankle monitor despite being charged with 15 counts of aggravated sexual assault with a firearm. He cut off his ankle monitor, initiated a shootout with police and was killed. Newsweek magazine added Mr. White to its list of black people killed by police.

Meanwhile, Chicago schools are removing police from their sites. According to a spokesman speaking off-the-record “police communicate a punitive approach to keeping order. An alternative under consideration is to designate each school as the ‘turf’ of the locally dominant youth gang. Free of police interference there will be less cause for violent confrontations. Since they will not be hassled while selling recreational drugs to students we won’t have to pay them a salary like we did with the regular police who were here. As it was, the regular police could not be counted on to respond to violent incidents in the school. Potential Uvalde-type mass shootings will be repelled by gangs defending their turf.”

In other school news, Michigan, Attorney General Dana Nessel touted “drag queen story hour for both its educational and pacifying potential. In my view drag queens make everything better. These gentle souls bring smiles to the faces of the children. Smiles turneth away wrath. The positive role models exhibited can be an inspiration for the children going forward as they decide which sex they want to be and what careers they may like to pursue later in life.”

Biden Threatens Federal Lunch Money for Schools

The Biden Administration has ramped up its drive to transform public schools into LGBTQ recruitment centers by threatening to withhold federal lunch assistance funds from schools that refuse to require that boys be allowed into girls’ lavatories and locker rooms. Ironically, the Administration is citing Title IX—a section of federal law that is meant to ensure fair treatment for girls in school programs.

Secretary of Education Miguel Cardona asserted that “for too long our society has been locked onto the archaic idea that DNA determines the sex of individuals. Modern science recognizes that sexual identity is a matter of choice. Just because a person was declared ‘male’ at the time of birth shouldn’t be used to deny an individual’s right to choose ‘female’ or one of the multiplicities of other genders currently known to exist. Protecting this right by any means necessary is our policy. Withholding food aid is a means we can deploy by executive action. Those who choose to resist complying can feed themselves from their own resources.”

Dems Oppose Making Schools Harder Targets

By: John Semmens

House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer (D-Md) rejected suggestions that would make schools “harder targets” by training and arming some of the staff could be a sensible solution for deterring or countering massacres of students.

“I’m surprised my Republican colleagues find the idea of arming teachers an appealing option,” Hoyer said. “Isn’t it teachers who are ramming critical race theory down the throats of the students? Isn’t it teachers who are grooming kids to become homosexuals and transgenders? Isn’t it teachers who are having sex with students? Why would Republicans want to arm such people?”

Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg called the idea that we can make our schools safer by making it harder for lunatics to get in and murder the children “insane. Trying to keep people out is racist and undemocratic. Whether it’s schools or our southern border, keeping people from illegally entering fosters animosity. Animosity is what motivates people to harm others. School doors need to remain open for all. I’d like to leave my doors open but there are too many people out there who want to hurt me because I’m gay. If the LGBTQ indoctrination at our schools is successful, one day gays will be the majority and I’ll feel safer leaving my doors open.”

Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton called hardening the target “a sensible option for improving school safety. The notion that outlawing guns can be effective is fatally flawed. People that are shooting people, that are killing kids, they’re not following murder laws. They’re not going to follow gun laws. Having decent, law-abiding individuals armed and trained would provide an extra layer of defense. As we saw at Uvalde, a good guy with a gun was what took down the shooter. Meanwhile, the city police sat by for more than a hour waiting for special equipment to arrive.”

Europe to Replace Fossil Fueled Vehicles

By: John Semmens

By a vote of 339 to 249 Members of the European Parliament (MEP) voted to outlaw fossil-fueled vehicles by the year 2035. Netherlands MEP Jan Huitema characterized the decision as “our last best chance to save the planet.”

BMW CEO Oliver Zipse pointed out that “a focus on tailpipe emissions neglects to take into account the total pollution impact of switching to battery-powered vehicles. First of all, they are more expensive. Many of the components require rare minerals—some of them from unreliable sources of supply like China. Worn out batteries cannot be safely disposed of without creating environmental problems. The electricity consumed in manufacturing the vehicles is mostly fossil-fueled generated. We’d be exchanging tailpipe emissions for smokestack emissions.”

Huitema waved away objections as “incompatible with climate change goals. The fact of the matter is that too many people do too much unnecessary motorized traveling. It’s unhealthy. Almost everything a person needs can be obtained from sources within walking distance. Walking is good exercise. Fewer people would be obese if we all walked more. For those who can’t walk we can return to the trusty old sedan chair to get around. The emissions of those who walk or carry the sedan chairs will be less harmful than the CO2 emitted by gasoline engines. As for the heavy stuff, ox-carts would be a more environmentally friendly method for hauling what needs to be hauled.”

“Civilization existed for thousands of years using these simpler methods for transporting persons and goods,” Huitema asserted. “We shouldn’t be so arrogant that we demand more than was adequate for our ancestors when the fate of the planet is at stake.”

In related news, the number of birds and bats being killed by environmentally mandated wind turbines is seriously disrupting natural food chains. Carolin Scholz of the Leibniz Institute for Zoo and Wildlife Research said “the decimation of birds and bats who help keep insect pest populations in check will have concerning impacts on food production and disease transmission. Shifting to wind power generation is not without negative ecological consequences.”

Schumer Calls Fox News Cowardly

Senate Majority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) says Fox News’ decision to not provide live coverage of the January 6 Committee hearings “is a cowardly betrayal of the American people. Every other news channel is covering the hearings. The unity of the nation requires that all news channels present the same information. If Fox won’t do that voluntarily we need to explore methods for compelling them to do their patriotic duty.”

In addition to his irritation at the refusal to provide live coverage of the hearing, Schumer objected to Fox commentator Tucker Carlson’s characterization of the continued holding of January 6 rioters without trial as unconstitutional. “Who is Carlson to say what is and isn’t constitutional?” Schumer wanted to know. “Only the government is authorized to determine what is constitutional and what is not. Carlson’s intrusion into the matter strikes me as treasonous sedition. Maybe he’d like to join the traitors he is trying to defend?”

Carlson called Schumer’s threats “the very tyranny that our Constitution was designed to avert. The First Amendment guarantees freedom of the press. It is for Fox to decide what news it will cover. We are not legally required to broadcast the Democrats’ show trial. The Sixth Amendment guarantees every accused person a speedy trial by an impartial jury. Some of the people being held in the DC jail have been there for more than a year. They are being denied a speedy trial. The January 6 Committee is not impartial. It is a partisan undertaking. The Republicans were denied an opportunity to appoint their rightful share of the members on the Committee. The only Republicans that Speaker Pelosi would allow on the panel were the two—Liz Cheney (Wyoming) and Adam Kinzinger (Illinois)—who already agreed that Trump is guilty. Senator Schumer’s plea for unity on behalf of this biased process is an evil that all honorable people ought to resist.”

Fox’s decision not to air the hearing live was vindicated by the poor viewership enjoyed by the gaggle of cable channels that did. Even President Biden admitted “I didn’t watch the hearing. Why would I watch a hearing? Shouldn’t I listen for a hearing? You’re talking nonsense.” Aides report that “actually, he tried to watch the Sponge Bob Square Pants movie airing at 9 p.m., but fell asleep about ten-minutes in.”

Cheney Makes Irrefutable Case

By: John Semmens

The January 6 insurrection show trial opened with Rep. Liz Cheney (R-Wyo) making an irrefutable case for Trump’s guilt.

“First, we have his own words spoken just minutes before his mob of supporters telling them ‘to peacefully and patriotically march to the Capitol and make your voices heard,’” Cheney pointed out. “These are code words—dog whistles if you prefer—instructing them to violently and treasonously attack Congress.”

“Second, the claim that these insurrectionists were unarmed is a distraction,” she argued. “They knew that the Capitol Police had weapons and could have easily overwhelmed them and seized those weapons. That’s why the Capitol Police had to be ready to use all reasonable force to quell the rebellion. Luckily, Ashley Babbitt was the only one who had to be killed in order to maintain the peace.”

“Third, Trump’s offer on January 2nd to send 20,000 National Guard troops to protect the Capitol was thwarted by Speaker Nancy Pelosi who cleverly refused to allow these troops to be put at her disposal. She remembered how Russian troops refused to fire on citizens protesting a coup against the Yeltsin government seeking to reestablish the Soviet Union in the 1990s. Rather than being saddled with troops that might refuse orders to shoot the insurrectionists she expected to enter the Capitol, she wisely relied upon the Capitol Police’s loyalty and was proved correct.”

Confident that Trump will be found guilty, Cheney has been soliciting donations for her reelection campaign from former Trump Administration aides that have been subpoenaed by Committee to appear as witnesses. “I’m giving these rats a fair chance to desert a sinking ship and save themselves from going to jail by joining the winning team,” she explained.

Rep. Elise Stefanik (R-NY) called Cheney’s solicitation “witness tampering. It is not something an honest person would do. At best, it is improper conduct. Some might suspect it conveys more than a hint of extortion or intimidation. I can’t imagine that any money she might get out of this would overcome the revulsion that the voters of her state must feel toward such tactics.”

City Raises Taxes to Fund “Free Housing”

By: John Semmens

The City of Portland, Maine has opted to raise property taxes in order to provide free housing for asylum seekers. The average home price in the City is $475, 000. Up to now the tax on such a house has been $5,200. The expected additional annual levy is in the $350 range.

Portland Mayor Kate Snyder said “so-called asylum seekers are being sent here without us being consulted or even getting any prior notice from the Biden Administration. Housing them has become a significant financial burden.”

“The property tax hike was just one of the options the City Council considered,” the Mayor admitted. “Other suggestions from citizens attending the Council meeting included putting them on buses to DC like like some Republican governors have done, asking them to get jobs and pay their own bills, or requisitioning vacant space in homes too large for the current inhabitants like was done in New England in the 1770s.”

The Mayor contends that two of the suggested alternatives “are too inhospitable. Asking people to pay their own way or sending them to the nation’s capital is something that Republicans would do. Well, we’re not Republicans. Requisitioning excess space in people’s homes would be equitable, but would require too much work. Squeezing taxpayers for a few hundred dollars more each year is the most efficient course of action.”