Manhattan DA’s Plan to Abolish Crime

By: John Semmens

Manhattan’s newly elected District Attorney Alvin Bragg has an innovative plan to abolish crime in the city. In Bragg’s view “there are just too many things that are illegal. This turns desperate people into criminals. Suppose a guy has an urgent need for money—there are drugs he needs to buy or stuff he wants to have but he can’t earn enough through honest work to get them. This forces him to rob someone to get the money he needs. The conventional opinion is that he ought to go to prison for doing this. I think we should be more lenient. Going forward I will treat armed robbery as a misdemeanor unless the victim is shot or killed.”

“As another example, many of the most violent crimes are committed be psychopaths,” Bragg observed. “These people can’t help the way they are. They shouldn’t be punished for what they do under the influence of their mental derangement. That would be cruel and unusual treatment in our modern more enlightened society. These people need counselling and care, not imprisonment or institutionalization. They will get treatment under my administration. I will replace law and order with sympathy and compassion so these afflicted individuals can live among us as valued members of the community.”

“This new approach will enable me to stop wasting time on petty crimes and focus more of my office’s resources on enforcing the vaccine passport,” Bragg said. “In the grand scheme of things people who refuse to be vaccinated pose a far greater danger to life and limb than the so-called criminals do. The death toll from covid has already surpassed 800,000. That’s twenty times higher than the number of homicides in the same time period. Suppressing vaccine refusers will save more lives than arresting all of the murderers. When the people of New York City realize the consequences I will bring down on them for their behavior they will either toe the line or get out of town. We’ll see how the ‘red states’ like being the destination of hordes of unrepentant anti-vaxxers.”

Biden Spends 27% of His Time Vacationing

By: John Semmens

Since his inauguration President Biden has spent 95 of his 348 days in office on vacation. That’s 27%. A normal working person who gets two weeks of vacation a year spends about 4% of his time on vacation. Critics have cited Biden’s excessive time off work as a factor in major policy failures in Afghanistan and on the Mexican border.

White House press secretary Jen Psaki said “it doesn’t matter how much of his time he spends on the job because the American people voted for him to be their president and he is their president 100% of the time no matter what he’s doing. In his own mind he feels overworked. He says we we never give him any free time or any time to think.”

One of the things he is reported to be thinking about is whether he should “green light” a proposed drone strike on Indian drug maker Dr Reddy’s Laboratories because it is poised to manufacture a generic version of Merck’s antiviral COVID-19 pill, molnupiravir, and price it at $0.47 per capsule—making a five-day course of 40 capsules sell for under $20. Biden called this “unfair. Merck invested millions to produce its pill. It needs to charge $700 for its course of treatment. Flooding the world with a cheap generic drug will cost this great American firm billions of dollars. Such economic piracy should not go unpunished.” There is a relevant precedent. President Clinton ordered an aspirin factory in Sudan bombed in 1998 to divert attention from his pending impeachment for lying under oath about his illicit sexual relationship with 22-year-old White House intern Monica Lewinsky.

Obama Declares “Our Democracy Is at Greater Risk than Ever”

By: John Semmens

In honor of the January 6 incursion into the Capitol, Former President Barack Obama released a statement asserting that “one year ago a violent attack on our Capitol made it clear just how fragile the American experiment in democracy really is. In the November 2020 election more than 81 million votes were cast for Joe Biden. Rather than accepting this ringing endorsement for the person voters wanted to rule them for the next four years, Republicans are still working to torpedo his agenda.”

“As the last year has demonstrated, the average American has supported the President by obeying his request that they get vaccinated for the good of the nation,” Obama pointed out. “They have joined in the effort to shame those who stubbornly resist being unified into the collective whole. They have supported proposals to sanction nonconformists by firing them from their jobs, barring them from public places, and confiscating their property. Despite this evidence of success, President Biden has been frightened into declaring that ‘there is no federal solution to the covid pandemic.’ This is the position former President Trump took during 2020 and a significant reason for his defeat at the polls.”

“Now is not the time to back away from destiny,” Obama advised. “Backing down now will only encourage further resistance from the enemies of progress. President Biden is the Commander-in-Chief of America. He has vast forces awaiting his order to punish those who promote disunity. The fact that there has been no significant protest against holding dozens of January 6th arrestees without bail and denying them the speedy trials promised in the 6th Amendment shows that the vast majority of Americans are on his side. So, I say to my old friend Joe, don’t let the bastards up. Tighten your choke hold on the country until everyone gets in line with your agenda and the world will thank you for saving democracy from its enemies.”

Contrary to Obama’s interpretation, a recent CBS News poll showed that 76% of respondents rejected the “insurrection” narrative explanation for the January 6 Capitol incursion and saw it as “a protest that became a riot.” The fact that not a single person arrested for the January 6 riot has been charged with insurrection seems a pretty clear indication that there are no grounds for such a charge no matter how ardently Democrats may wish for it.

In related news, Gov. Jay Inslee (D-Wash) has proposed legislation that would “make it illegal to challenge an election’s results once the media has declared a winner. Peaceful acceptance of election results is what differentiates democracy from authoritarian regimes. If we don’t put a damper on post-election criticism of the winners democracy can’t survive. I understand some being disappointed in the outcome, but for unity’s sake it is crucial that this disappointment not be made public. Punishing those who can’t bring themselves to congratulate and support the winners is the best way I know for quelling negative thoughts.”

Supreme Court Ponders Constitutionality of Vaccine Mandate

John Semmens

On Friday the US Supreme Court heard oral arguments in a case challenging the constitutionality of President Biden’s order that all businesses with 100 or more employees must compel their workers to be vaccinated or required to submit to weekly covid testing.

Scott Keller, attorney for the National Federation of Independent Business, argued that “the power to make getting vaccinated the law of the land is clearly reserved to Congress in Article I of the US Constitution.” Several of the Justices questioned this argument.

Justice Elena Kagan posited that “the general welfare clause of the Constitution’s preamble seems to trump the delegated powers argument advanced by Mr. Keller. Since getting vaccinated is essential for stopping the spread of covid the specific means for accomplishing this ought to override the President’s lack of delegated powers. Why should there be any limit to what he can do in order to promote the general welfare?”

Justice Stephen Breyer claimed “the 750 million new cases of infection with the Omicron variant reported yesterday demands immediate action. This isn’t the time to be nitpicking arcane 18th century language in a mostly obsolete document looking for authorization. Why isn’t the fact that the President declares his mandate necessary sufficient to carry out his wishes?”

Justice Sonia Sotomayor said “the insistence that the President should be limited to his delegated authority in the face of the dire crisis facing the nation is foolhardy. The President has no delegated authority to push a child out of the way of an onrushing bus, but we should not impede his heroic effort to save a life. As Justice Breyer has pointed out, 750 million people have already tested positive and 100,000 kids are on ventilators. Must the President be forced to wait for Congress to act while the unvaccinated are permitted to continue to infect and decimate our population?”

Justice Clarence Thomas, on the other hand, questioned the wisdom of “ignoring a document that serves as a barrier to tyrannical one-man rule. The President may assert that his policies are necessary and try to persuade Congress to act to legalize the impositions he says are needed, but I see no legitimate authority for him to bypass the representatives that the people have elected to defend their rights and interests. After all, 70% of the adult population is already vaccinated. Yet, even those who have received the vaccines are still coming down with covid and spreading it to others. Rather than abiding another unconstitutional abuse of power doesn’t it make more sense to allow a robust debate of various options in Congress to consider whether a strategy focused solely on vaccination might be too narrow to yield the best results?”

In related news, the Massachusetts state government has issued an ultimatum to Nicole Coughlin, a Department of Developmental Services employee, to get fully vaccinated or be fired. Coughlin already received the front end of the two-dose Moderna vaccine, but had a severe allergic reaction. Her request for a medical exemption was denied. Donna Daniels, the secretariat director of the Office of Diversity, Equity and Inclusion explained that “granting your request would increase workplace safety risks and negatively impact operational factors. It is better for you to bear the individual risk of an adverse reaction than for the state to have to put up with an exemption from rules meant to be universal to every member of the collective.”

Kari Lake Already Falling Behind in #AZGOV Race

Candidates running for Governor in Arizona released their campaign finance numbers this week and Trump favorite Kari Lake is already falling behind in not only dollars raised but number of donors.

Why this matters?

There are not a lot of metrics that help voters know which campaigns are weak and which are strong but the numbers of donors and amounts raised are important ones. Unfortunately for Kari Lake, she stumbled to garner a lot of either. Kari Lake is behind Karrin Taylor Robson and Democratic front runner Katie Hobbs in both categories.

Karrin Taylor Robson leads the race with $3.7 million raised and 16,000 donors. Katie Hobbs has raised $2.9 million and 20,000 donors. On the republican side Kimberly Yee, Steve Gaynor and Matt Salmon have yet to release their numbers but no one expects them to be any higher than those already reported. On the democrat side Marco Lopez and Aaron Lieberman both posted $1 million in dollars raised.

To be sure, the campaigns are just getting started but these developments bring in to question whether Kari Lake has what it takes.

Biden Hails Jobs Report

John Semmens

Though the number of new jobs created during December fell 50% short of what his economists had been predicting, President Biden hailed the figures as “evidence of the progress we have been making to transform our economy because fewer people feel compelled to work for a living. Record numbers of Americans are just plain quitting their jobs. This firmly corresponds to the Democratic Party’s goal of eliminating the necessity of work for as many people as possible.”

“Economists recognize that from an individual perspective work is a disutility,” Biden observed. “What this means is that leisure is preferred over work. Critics who are lambasting what they call ‘a failed economic policy’ overlook this key point. Any suffering that might result is the fault of the Republicans and Sen. Manchin for refusing to enact my ‘Build Back Better’ legislation. Sculpting a social structure where the majority can live without having to work is an ideal that has been lusted after for thousands of years. The fact that my Administration is now so close to attaining this cherished goal should be acknowledged as one of the greatest accomplishments of government in the history of the world.”

CNN’s Brian Stelter echoed Biden’s message and pointed out that “unemployment fell from 4.2% in November to 3.9% in December. This reflects a situation indicating that fewer people want or need jobs in the new economy the Democrats are fostering. On a personal level, I have always enjoyed my leisure time more than my time working. The Build Back Better bill is a heroic and magnanimous effort on the part of the progressives who now firmly control the federal government. Shame on those who opposed it.”

Squad Members Complain About Student Loans

By: John Semmens

Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) and Rep. Rashida Tlaib (D-Mich) want Congress to pass a law absolving them of their responsibility to repay their student loans. Both receive an annual salary of $174,000 plus perks that include taxpayer-funded travel, meals, and lodging. Both claim to be too poor to bear the burden of repayment.

In Ocasio-Cortez’s case, her remaining debt is $17,000, an amount that she contends is “unacceptable. Since I have dedicated myself to public service by serving in Congress my debts should be paid by the taxpayers I represent.” She also admitted to “being miffed that the President hasn’t canceled my debt via executive order as he promised he would do before he won the 2020 election.”

In Tlaib’s case, her remaining debt is $70,000, which she incurred going to law school. She contends that “my own government is profiting off of me. This is not right. As a member of the government I should be supported by the taxpayers. I should not be forced to pay back the loans that the taxpayers forwarded for my benefit. As a lawyer I give superior service to the country by helping pass the laws the people must live by. My congressional colleagues are stabbing me in the back by refusing to pass legislation freeing me of this debt.”

In related news, Ocasio-Cortez called reports of smash-and-grab robberies “fake news—just like the supposed moon landings and the claim that Islamic terrorists were the ones who flew the planes that crashed into the World Trade Center in the so-called 9-11 attacks. It’s just retailers trying to cover up losses incurred from poor business management.”

White House Unhappy with Media

By: John Semmens

President Biden says he is “losing patience with the media.” White House underlings have been engaged in closed-door meetings with major media outlets “to correct the negative impression being created by media reports on prices, crime, and other issues.”

Press Secretary Jen Psaki complained that “we thought these guys were on our side. Why do they have to report so much bad news? Take the issue of rising prices. The President hasn’t raised the price on a single piece of merchandise. Every price hike has been made by the vendors. As the President has pointed out on several occasions, it is the vendors that must be held accountable for rising prices.”

“On the issue of rising crime,” Psaki continued. “The President hasn’t personally shot anyone or stolen anything. It is not his fault that so many among us have exhibited these behaviors. He has patiently explained that it is racial injustice has driven oppressed peoples to take direct action to right the wrongs done to them by white supremacists.”

“We’re not saying that the media needs to conceal these insalubrious trends,” the Press Secretary said. “They just need to go all the way and blame the true culprits. It was Donald Trump who catered to the selfishness that fueled the wrong kind of economic growth. Getting the country onto a track for a more wholesome economy requires tearing down the bad investments made prior to the Biden Administration. We need the media to persuade the people that the pain of this transformation is worth it. They need to remember that for them to get the billions in subsidies the President has promised they must assist in getting the Build a Better America program passed through Congress.”

Astounding Turnout of Centenarian Voters

By: John Semmens

This week a Wisconsin Committee on Campaigns and Elections hearing revealed that the November 2020 general elections saw over 100,000 ballots cast by persons who have been registered to vote for more than 100 years. US House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) cited this as evidence for passing the “For the People Act.”

“Not every state has been as diligent as Wisconsin in protecting the right to vote,” she pointed out. “Many states impose onerous conditions requiring voters to show photo IDs, limiting voting to one ballot per person and to the few months surrounding the official election day, insisting that poll watchers representing both Parties must be allowed to participate in the vote-counting, disallowing the cost-savings that could be achieved by accepting self-printed ballots, and other anti-democratic rules. The ‘For the People Act’ would streamline the election process by giving the federal government full control over all voting procedures.”

California to Become Abortion Sanctuary

By: John Semmens

In the event that the Supreme Court overturns its 1973 Roe v. Wade decision that made abortion the law of the land, Gov. Galvin Newsom (D-Calif) is boasting that his state “will become an abortion sanctuary for the entire world. We have the will and the votes to go far beyond the bounds of the Roe v. Wade decision, which essentially only protected abortion during the first two trimesters.”

Based on the oral arguments between the Justices and the attorneys representing both sides of the issue, it is speculated that the Court seems most likely to rule that it will be up to each state to make its own laws on abortion. Some states are expected to significantly restrain the practice. Others, like California, are expected to significantly loosen or abolish any restraints.

Newsom envisioned abortion “taking up some of the slack in our state’s economy. We used to be able to count on oil production, shipping, and manufacturing to provide jobs and tax receipts. However, tightened environmental regulations and high tax rates have dampened the contributions we can expect from these sectors. By making abortion an anytime, anywhere service we can dominate this market. By expanding tax-funded abortions to include covering the travel and lodging costs for persons too poor to pay their own way we can draw customers from any place on the planet.”

The Governor also touted the “environmental benefits of an abortion-based economy. Oil drilling and shipping produce significant amounts of pollution. Aborting unwanted babies is a cleaner industry. There is high demand for the parts that can be salvaged. Sale of the organs and tissues that are still intact will become a great revenue source for our state. And the elimination of surplus population will ease the human burden on the environment for years to come.”

In related news, Newsom objected to the rash of recent smash-and-grab incidents being characterized as a crime wave because “in California the theft of less than $950 by a person in any single robbery is not illegal.”