Biden Defends Attacks on Balloons

Determined to deflect criticism for his delayed response to a suspected Chinese spy balloon, President Biden ordered a series of strikes against at least three other aerial objects. The targets were described by the pilots that shot them down as very small. Now, the Northern Illinois Bottlecap Balloon Brigade’s (NIBBB) says its globe-trotting $12 pico balloon and $80 ham radio transmitter has gone missing.

Biden took full responsibility for ordering the downing of these objects, explaining that “from all outward appearances they seemed to be innocent amateur science projects, but rather than be caught with our pants down like we were with the Chinese spy balloon I felt compelled to take them out. Sadly, little of the debris has been recovered. So, the NIBBB can’t prove it was their balloon that I ordered destroyed or that it wasn’t spying on secret military sites.”

Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) mocked the balloon fiasco, saying “we sent out a $140 million aircraft to fire a $485,000 missile to take out a hobby group’s science project. I guess this level of ferocity is supposed to show the world not to mess with the USA.”

Biden shrugged off Cruz’s criticism and pointed out “Sen. Cruz lost his bid for the presidency. I won mine. I will go down in history as the 46th president of the United States. Cruz will hardly be remembered. I think everyone will know who the real buffoon is in this controversy.”

Meanwhile, China has threatened retaliation for the US shooting down its balloon. Foreign Ministry spokesperson Wang Wenbin said, “what we have learned over the past week is that dozens, maybe hundreds, of these so-called amateur balloons have been launched from within the United States over the past few years. This provocation cannot go unanswered.”

Vice-President Kamala Harris brushed off concerns about China’s possible retaliation, pointing out that “the President has already demonstrated his sympathy by starting the process of taking out these balloons by whatever means necessary. And let’s not forget all the confidential information his son Hunter has passed on to his Chinese business partners. I don’t think President Xi will let things get too far out of hand.”