Senator Seeks Meeting with FBI Informant

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnA lawyer representing Sen. Diane Feinstein (Calif)–the top Democrat on the Senate Judiciary Committee–requested the opportunity to meet privately with former FBI informant, William Campbell. Campbell helped the FBI chronicle bribery, kickbacks and money laundering connected to the Uranium One scandal.

Victoria Toensing, Campbell’s attorney, agreed to meet, but questioned the time and location suggested by Feinstein’s lawyer, saying that “a midnight meeting at Fort Marcy Park strikes me as unusually inconvenient, probably unwise, and potentially dangerous.”

Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-Iowa), chairman of the Judiciary Committee, called Feinstein’s request “premature. Mr. Campbell will be testifying before the entire Committee. Every senator on the committee will have an opportunity to question him. If any senator has additional questions afterward a one-on-one meeting in a more conventional time and location can be arranged.”

In related news, Hillary Clinton insists that “any effort by the Department of Justice or Congress to investigate me is an abuse of power. All of the actions I took while Secretary of State are exempt because of a concept called ‘sovereign immunity.’ Namely, every agent of government is free to carry out his or her duties without interference and second-guessing by outsiders.” Clinton pointed out that “this isn’t the first time that my enemies have tried to drag me to court. But let me remind you that in so may instances fate has intervened to eliminate my accusers before any harm could be done.”

Update on Sexual Allegations Sweeping the Country

The rising tide of allegations of sexual harassment that swept through Hollywood is now inundating politics and moistening persons of varying ideological proclivities.
So far, eight women have accused Alabama Republican senatorial candidate Roy Moore of sexually inappropriate behavior dating back several decades. The most serious accusation alleging attempted rape was made by Beverly Young Nelson. The veracity of this allegation was cast into some doubt by Nelson’s own lawyer—Gloria Allred—who refused to attest to the validity of the signed high school yearbook offered in support of Nelson’s claim. As she told CNN’s Wolf Blitzer “I haven’t asked my client whether the ‘Roy Moore’ signature is genuine. Even if it is a forgery, though, that wouldn’t prove that he didn’t try to rape her.”

Moore has demanded that the yearbook be examined by an independent handwriting expert to assess whether it is or isn’t a forgery. To date, Allred has declined to submit the book for forensic examination, insisting that “the time isn’t yet ripe for such a step. My client’s credibility shouldn’t be held hostage to the admittedly imperfect art of handwriting analysis.”

While a number of leading Republicans have asserted that Moore must give up his run for the Senate because of the allegations, sexual abuse allegations against sitting Sen. Al Franken (D-Minn) have inspired only a call for an “ethics” investigation from Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. “Sen. Franken is already a colleague and, as such, is entitled to certain privileges and immunities,” McConnell contended. “We need hard evidence before we jump the gun on him.”

Interestingly, there is a photo of Franken fondling the breasts of his accuser while she slept. Kasie Hunt, the Capitol Hill correspondent for NBC News, brushed aside the photo evidence saying that “since the woman was asleep I can’t see that any real harm was done to her. I mean. Franken is well known for his crude sense of humor. Leeann is only degrading herself by bringing this up after so many years have passed.”

Meanwhile, Rep. Jackie Speier (D-Calif) revealed that Congress has a slush fund that has paid out $15 million over the last 20 years to “hush up incidents of harassment and abuse carried out by members of congress. The ironically named Office of Compliance (OOC) essentially protects the offenders by forcing victims to sign nondisclosure agreements as a condition of getting a settlement. Leadership’s notion that mandating sexual harassment training for all lawmakers and staff will solve the problem is ludicrous. Congress is purportedly the elite of our democratic society. How could any member not already know that fondling, groping, intimidating, or sexually assaulting is wrong?”

In related news, disgraced former purveyor of fake news Dan Rather absolved former President Bill Clinton from “any blame that might attach to his alleged improper behavior. Even if he did rape Broadderick, so much time has passed that she is a hideous old woman now. She is not the kind of person that a man of sophistication and taste like President Clinton could be seriously suspected of assaulting.”

Dems Introduce Articles of Impeachment

This week Rep. Steve Cohen (D-TN) introduced Articles of Impeachment against President Donald Trump, saying that “this usurper must be held accountable for his high crimes and misdemeanors before he drags the country into the hellish tyranny he has designed for America.” The list of offenses includes…

“On election night in 2016, rather than gracefully and rightly conceding to the winner of the popular vote, Donald Trump exploited a the loophole of the Electoral College to unfairly declare himself president,” Cohen charged. “Millions were summarily disenfranchised. Women and minorities were especially hard hit.”

“He continues to steadfastly refuse to release his income tax returns, relying on the so-called legal right to privacy that the IRS law allows to every taxpayer,” Cohen complained. “Privacy is a bourgeois conceit that has no rightful place in a socially progressive society. It is not up to the individual to decide what is to be private. That is a decision belonging to the government.”

“In defiance of the norms under which members of government obtain wealth by trading on their positions of power, Trump continues to hold an ownership share in capitalistic enterprises that reap their profits from offering services for which customers voluntarily pay,” Cohen revealed. “This raises a ‘red flag’ that suggests he cannot be trusted to act in the best interests of the governing class.”

“And just last week he couldn’t give a speech without pausing in the middle to drink from a bottle of water,” Cohen said. “No other president has ever done this. Is he merely uncouth? Or does he have a serious medical problem? Either way his fitness to hold the office must be questioned.”

“Finally, he has cast aspersions on the media, repeatedly referring to it as ‘fake news,’ thus undermining the credibility of our nation’s foremost arbiters of truth,” Cohen concluded. “Thomas Jefferson warned us against this threat to our freedoms. Those who question the media strike at the very heart of our constitutional guarantee of freedom of the press. If the people lose faith in the media they will be set adrift in a sea of cacophonic and disparate opinion with no reliable guide to correct thought.”

In related news, Attorney General Jeff Sessions told the House judiciary committee that “there is not enough evidence to support a special counsel to investigate Hillary Clinton.” He differentiated Clinton’s situation from that of President Trump by pointing out “in the case of Trump and the Russians there was the GPS Fusion dossier that provided a sound foundation of evidence for appointing Mueller to probe further. There is no similar dossier on Mrs. Clinton.”

Socialist Students Reject Food Drive Challenge

At Kent State University in Ohio, two left-wing student clubs—the Young Democratic Socialists of America (YDSA) and the Socialist Collective (SC)–rejected a challenge from Young Americans for Liberty (YAL) and Turning Point USA (TPUSA) to see which organization could gather the most food for poor people in a campus-wide canned food drive.

YDSA chapter co-chair, Ethan Comeriato, explained “While in the short run the food drive would benefit the public our participation would detract from our long-term goal of helping the poor through socialism. The flaw in all charitable giving is that the giver has the option to refuse. In the progressive America toward which we are working the option to refuse will be replaced by government control of all resources. Rather than having to rely on individual generosity to care for the less well off, government experts will dole out the necessities of life for the collective benefit of all.”

Comeriato also labeled the challenge “a capitalistic trick aimed at supporting the false consciousness of individualism. By making the collection of food a competition it obscures the reality that the poor have every right to seize the food they need from those who have a surplus. This is a dangerous idea spewed by dangerous organizations. If the challenge entailed breaking into the homes of the rich and confiscating food for distribution to the poor we’d be all-in.”

YAL chapter president, Kevin Cline, expressed his disappointment of the rebuff, saying “the purpose of our challenge was to extend an olive branch to our ideological counterparts on campus, open up a mutual dialogue and friendly channels of communication, and accomplish some good for our community in the process.”

“Socialists cannot be friendly with capitalists,” Comeriato replied. “These exploiters of the working class must be dispossessed and punished for their crimes against humanity. As Marx proved so long ago, those who resist the revolution for social justice must be reeducated or liquidated, as the people’s tribunals will decide. There is no point to a dialogue with Cline or his ilk when it is people like him that we mean to publicly hang as an example to everyone that we are serious about transforming our country.”

Dems Demand Free Abortions for Illegals

Sen. Patty Murray (D-WA) and 15 other Democratic senators signed a letter to the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) assailing a Trump Administration policy denying illegal unaccompanied minors access to abortion.

“Long ago the Supreme Court decreed that it is every woman’s constitutional right to abort her unwanted child,” the letter said. “The Administration’s attempt to get around the Court’s decree by asserting it doesn’t apply to females in the country illegally is reprehensible. Their argument that providing free abortions to illegal immigrants would only encourage more illegal immigration is irrelevant. Providing a refuge for those seeking abortions outlawed in the Latin American tyrannies from which these women are escaping upholds the longstanding traditions of our country as a beacon of freedom.”

Sen. Murray elaborated on the letter, insisting that “laws against using taxes to fund abortions are obviously unconstitutional. What good is a theoretical right to an abortion if you can’t afford to pay for it? The whole point of an impoverished female coming to America to abort her unwanted child would be completely thwarted if the government can refuse to pay for it. In light of recent scientific findings showing that having children is harming the planet, it would be insane for us not to fund every possible abortion we can before it is too late.”

In related news, another new constitutional right was recently announced by Army Chief of Staff Gen. Mark Milley who asserted that “the Constitution’s ‘pursuit of happiness’ clause says that Army personnel have a constitutional right to change their gender and the government has an obligation to provide the medical and financial resources to see that this right is fulfilled.”

Biden’s Bizarre Gun Control Logic

Despite the availability of an AR-15 to Stephen Willeford being a crucial factor that helped him bring and end to the Sutherland Springs, Texas church massacre, former Vice-President Joe Biden adamantly asserted that “this is the type of gun no one should be allowed to have.”

“I know some will argue that Willeford saved lives by shooting the guy who was killing dozens of people in that church,” Biden acknowledged. “But we’ve got to look at the bigger picture and be willing to make the sacrifices that promote the greater good. If Willeford hadn’t had the AR-15 the killer might’ve shot a few more people. On the other hand, widespread ownership of AR-15s poses a much more serious threat that anti-government types could mount a dangerous resistance to government authority.

Eliminating this greater danger by confiscating weapons like the AR-15 is clearly the better policy.”

The editors at the Boston Globe newspaper took an even more extreme view than the former Veep and demanded that all 300 million privately held guns be confiscated. “One of the commonly overlooked advantages of the former Soviet Union’s gun control policies is that when only government authorities have legal access to firearms the ability of private citizens to shoot one another is drastically curtailed,” the editors observed. “Perhaps it’s time for us to accept a sinilar trade-off and give up our freedom to own guns in exchange for the freedom to not be shot by our fellow citizens.”

In possibly related news, a former Secret Service agent assigned to guard Biden during his vice-presidency claims that agents frequently had to intervene to protect women from being fondled by him. “He’d get ‘touchy-feely’ at every opportunity,” the agent recalled. “We couldn’t avert all the groping and would later cringe when we saw the evidence captured in photos of official events he attended. I mean, he doesn’t have the same senility escape clause employed by former President Bush and his demented ‘Copafeel’ magician joke.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

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Republicans Call for Moore to End Senate Run

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnThe Washington Post’s publication of allegations that Judge Roy Moore, the GOP candidate for Alabama’s open senate seat, made improper sexual advances toward teen-age women in 1979 sparked calls for him to exit the race.

Sen. John McCain (R-Az) insisted that Moore “should immediately step aside and allow the people of Alabama to elect a candidate they can be proud of. The allegations alone are disqualifying. Even if they turn out to be untrue the Senate is no place for a man about whom such charges are reported in a highly respected media outlet like the Post.”

Ironically, McCain was the target of allegations that he was engaged in an extramarital affair with a Washington lobbyist during his ill-fated 2008 presidential campaign. He didn’t step aside, something he now acknowledges “may have been a mistake. It was before I had the nomination. If I had made an earlier exit I could have been replaced by a candidate voters could have been proud of.”

McCain wasn’t the only unsuccessful GOP presidential candidate to demand Moore drop out of the race. The 2012 Republican presidential nominee, former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney, echoed the Arizona Senator, saying that Moore’s accuser’s story of bringing a basket of food to her grandmother’s house in the woods only to be confronted by the wolfish Moore “has a ring of truth about it that I find very persuasive. I can’t believe she would make up such a story.”

The National Republican Senatorial Committee has cut off funding for Moore’s campaign. Sen. Lisa Murkowski (R-Alaska) urged Sen. Luther Strange, who lost to Moore in the Republican primary, to run as a write-in candidate. Both of these moves would greatly increase the odds that Democrat Doug Jones will be Alabama’s next US senator. “No matter,” says Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ken), “I’d rather be in the minority than have to accept a tainted Republican as a senate colleague. We’ve been in the minority before. It’s not so bad. There’s a lot less pressure to get things done when you’re in the minority, but the perks are all still there.”

In related news, the US Senate has confirmed fewer of President Trump’s executive and judicial nominees at this point of his term than the nominees of any previous president. Minority Leader Sen. Charles Schumer (D-NY) has exploited every available procedure to delay confirmation votes. The Senate’s two-and-a-half day workweek is another contributing factor. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ken) lamented the slow pace, but asserted that “long standing Senate procedures cannot be abandoned simply because they impede the efficient function of the government. The attraction of being a senator would be dissipated if it required a 40-hour work week or expeditious handling of matters up for action.”

NYC Mayor Taunts ISIS

Emboldened by his reelection with 70 percent of the vote, New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio brazenly mocked Islamic terrorists calling the recent attack that killed eight people “feeble. There are more than eight million New Yorkers. It would take more than million attacks of the magnitude of that launched by Mr. Saipov to kill us all. Besides, five of the eight he killed were Argentinians—not New Yorkers, per se.”

“New Yorkers are resilient,” the Mayor continued. “Common criminals murder 300 people a year in our city, but our citizens don’t quake in fear because they know their government is safe from murderous assault. I have bodyguards with me 24/7. So no matter how many ordinary inhabitants terrorists may succeed in killing my reign will go on.”

In related news, the US Army is pondering whether to pay convicted deserter Pvt. Bowe Bergdahl $300,000 in back pay now that a judge has decided against sending him to prison. Army spokesman Col. Walter Wussier explained “if he were going to prison he wouldn’t need the money, but as a convicted traitor it will be hard for him to find a good job. A generous severance package would help him attain a decent lifestyle on the outside.”

Senator Reverses Herself on “Rigged Primary” Charge

Last week Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) told CNN’s Jake Tapper that the 2016 Democratic presidential primary was rigged to favor Hillary Clinton over her rival Sen. Bernie Sanders (Vt). This week she reversed herself saying that “I am persuaded that I was being manipulated into a false consciousness.”

The chief “persuader” according to Warren was none other than Hillary Clinton. “She reminded me that Bernie was the communist candidate and that the Russians would have had no incentive to rig the primaries against him,” the Senator said. “Once their efforts to secure the nomination for their ‘mole’ fell through they went to their back-up plan to undermine the person they most feared—Secretary Clinton.”

A secondary factor in her changed opinion “was Donna’s admission that her ‘tell all’ book was largely fiction. Publishers demand that there be some ‘blockbuster’ revelations before they will fork over millions for the rights to your book. Political campaigns are mostly boring tales of envelope stuffing, meaningless sound bites, and pressing-the-flesh. An honest recount might interest professional historians, but they are a tiny minority of the book-buyers in America. Now that Donna has pocketed her advance she is free to revert back to the dull reality.”

Sanders labeled Warren’s contention “ludicrous. First of all, in case Sen. Warren hasn’t noticed, Russia isn’t communist anymore. If they were going to meddle in the election it wouldn’t have been to help me. I’m not the one who sold Russia uranium in exchange for multi-million dollar donations to my foundation. Second of all, what’s so bad about communism? Hundreds of millions may have been oppressed and tens of millions killed, but the Soviet Union modernized a backward country and enforced an equality that we can only wish we had in America.”

Newly elected Democratic National Committee chairman Tom Perez contends that “the DNC actually did less than it could have on Hillary’s behalf. Back in 2008, the Party brought in thugs to frighten Republican voters away from some polling places. The Party didn’t do that for Hillary. Perhaps we were overconfident she would win without the full array of normal procedures. It was a mistake that has cost Democrats dearly. And one we may have to live with for quite awhile.”

The corruption within the Democratic Party is so bad that long-time Party strategist Doug Schoen urged major change. “The entire Democratic Party stinks from the head down, the whole process,” he complained. “The rigged primary, the Uranium One payoffs, the Trump dossier—it’s a mess. We need a special prosecutor to look into this.”

Rep. Al Green (D-Tex), though, blamed Trump for the “mess” saying that “his incitement of white supremacy, sexism, bigotry, hatred, xenophobia, race-baiting, and racism is what has driven the Democratic Party to undertake these desperate measures aimed at thwarting his tyranny. Until this man is impeached and removed from office we will continue to see riots in the streets, unending sexual harassment, and the persecution of minorities.”

In related news, flush with the success of what the Washington Post called their “vile and despicable” ad on behalf of Democrat Ralph Northam in the Virginia governor’s election, the Latino Victory Fund vowed to “spread the message far and wide” in future electoral contests. Cristóbal Alex, Latino Victory Fund president, justified the scurrilous ad, calling it “payback for Republican ads maligning MS-13, claiming it is a criminal gang.”

California NAACP Wants to Get Rid of the “Star Spangled Banner”

The California chapter of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People is lobbying the State Legislature to remove the Star Spangled Banner as the country’s national anthem. California NAACP President Alice Huffman credited former National Football League player Colin Kaepernick with “drawing attention to just how racist, pro-slavery,  anti-black the song is.”

While the words of the song seem to focus on fighting for freedom, Huffman contended that “the opening line asking whether Jose can see both belittles the eyesight of our Latino friends and singles them out for unknown, but probably racist reasons.”

Rep. Danny Davis (D-Ill) lauded the NAACP initiative and pointed out that “the lack of mention for this country’s foremothers and foresisters in the song is an unforgivable sexist slight, too. You know, former President Obama raised this issue back when he first ran for president. He objected to the bellicose content of the song—all the bombs bursting and such. He suggested at that time that we adopt the song ‘I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing’ as our anthem. I think that was very prescient of him and would be happy to introduce the legislation needed to accomplish this.”

Senate Tax Legislation May Delay Corporate Tax Cut

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell expressed concerns that the House proposal to make corporate tax cuts take place immediately “has sparked apprehension among our Democratic colleagues that such precipitous action would put their Party’s candidates at an unfair disadvantage during the 2018 election. They fear that the repatriation of corporate money currently held outside the country that such a tax cut would initiate would lead to too big of an increase in investment and jobs and that it would essentially ensure a Republican sweep of all competitive races for House and Senate seats.”

“Rather than tilt the playing field against our colleagues we are considering postponing the planned corporate tax cuts until 2019,” McConnell said. “That would put any potential economic resurgence into a period beyond the date of the election and remove the unfair advantage it could give Republicans in the minds of the voters.”

Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) was effusive in his praise for what he called “Mitch’s extraordinary devotion to fair play. That he would turn away from using his Party’s power to ram through a measure that could guarantee his Party remained the majority is the kind of selflessness you rarely see in politics. I don’t know if I could be as magnanimous were our roles reversed.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Clinton Assails Trump’s ‘Lack of Empathy’

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnFailed presidential candidate Hillary Clinton lambasted President Donald Trump for his “lack of empathy” following the New York City terror attack that killed eight people. “Calling the unfortunate man who was driven to make this attack an ‘animal’ and demanding he face the death penalty was so cruel and callous,” the former Secretary of State asserted. “Where was the sympathy for a man wrested from his native Uzbekistan and thrust into an America teeming with the unbelievers that his faith commands him to kill?”

She went on to contrast “Trump’s bloodthirsty desire for vengeance with the kindness and compassion shown by previous presidents. Bill had numerous opportunities to apprehend or take out Osama bin Laden, but restrained himself out of respect for Muslim cultural differences. Similarly, President Obama urged calm and forgiveness rather than violent retribution when our ambassador to Libya was accidentally killed.”

“I suppose we shouldn’t be surprised,” Clinton said. “I tried to warn voters that Trump’s efforts to draw sharp distinctions between friends vs. enemies, criminals vs. victims, bad guys vs. good guys was the kind of thinking that ignored our common humanity. Rather than try to understand why Muslims feel compelled to kill us or why criminals seek a redistribution of wealth, Trump just condemns behavior he doesn’t like and abuses the presidency to cram his backward, anti-progressive way of seeing things down our throats.”

In related news, the editors at the New York Times advised people not to be alarmed when they hear someone screaming Allahu Akbar, calling it “just an everyday phrase” and the violence that frequently ensues immediately afterward as “an easily misunderstood behavior. Those of us familiar with the Quran recognize that killing unbelievers is a sacred obligation for practitioners of Islam. It’s as important for Muslims as confession is for Catholics. Its blanket condemnation by President Trump is a dangerous sign of the impending tyranny his Administration would impose against constitutionally protected freedom of religion in our country.”

2016 Democratic Primaries Rigged

This week, an excerpt from former Democratic National Committee Chairwoman Donna Brazile’s forthcoming book asserted that the DNC conspired with Hillary Clinton to rig the Party’s primary system to cheat Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders out of the presidential nomination. Ironically, Brazile lost her gig at CNN when Wikileaks revealed that she abetted the cheating by giving Hillary Clinton an advance peak at debate questions.

Brazile expressed shock that in exchange for a $20 million cash payment, the DNC under her predecessor Rep. Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (Fla) sold controlling interest to Hillary Clinton. “I don’t know whether that was illegal, but it sure was unusual,” Brazile wrote. “Normally, control over the National Committee isn’t transferred to a candidate until after the nomination is secured at the convention.”

Clinton expressed surprise following the publication of Brazile’s contention, saying “from what I’ve heard, Donna hasn’t been well. Perhaps a brain tumor has addled her thinking. The $20 million was a straightforward purchase of controlling interest much like many of the purchases made by Trump on his way to becoming a billionaire. Why is it okay for him to buy a hotel, but not for me to buy a political party? Trying to make my purchase look illegitimate is yet another example of the sexism that wrecked my campaign’s chances.”

Rep. Luis Gutiérrez (D-Ill.) announced that Brazile’s evidence will be added to the impeachment case he is building against President Trump. “The dire threat that Mr. Trump’s candidacy posed to America drove the most highly esteemed candidate that ever sought the office to have to resort to irregular tactics,” Gutiérrez charged. “Corrupting her virtue in such a manner is the highest crime imaginable.”

In related news, in testimony before the Senate Intelligence Committee, Sean Edgett, Acting General Counsel for Twitter, Inc., admitted that “despite our efforts to stack the deck against him, Trump was able to effectively use Twitter to boost his campaign. We were able to suppress nearly 50 percent of the negative tweets about Clinton while allowing all the negative tweets about Trump to freely flow through our network. Clinton originated twice as many tweets as Trump did, but his tweets were re-tweeted twice as often. This type of clever and anarchic devolution of control from the company to its customers is a problem we are looking into.”

Sessions Recuses Himself Again

Attorney General Jeff Sessions told a small group of congressmen that he can’t open an investigation nor name a special prosecutor to look into the corruption surrounding 2010’s Uranium One deal because he has, once again, recused himself.

As Sessions explained, “any person involved in any investigation must have no prior knowledge of the parties likely to be under scrutiny. Well, I have prior knowledge of Mrs. Clinton, President Obama, Robert Mueller, and James Comey—each of whom has fingerprints all over that uranium thing. You see, it’s like a juror being discharged if he knows any of the participants in a trial. Frankly, I don’t see how anyone who’s paid any attention to the news over the past eight years wouldn’t have to recuse himself. That wouldn’t seem to leave anyone available to take up the case. I know it seems stupid, but that’s how our blind justice system is supposed to work.”

Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-Fla), one of the congressmen who witnessed Sessions recusing himself characterized the AG’s reasoning as “lame and confused. If every prosecutor took such a stance no person of notoriety could ever be brought to justice. Sessions’ passing of the buck to Rosenstein—a lesser known person who may also be implicated in the Uranium One scandal—is senseless and irresponsible.”

Candidate Discovers She’s Black

Noted Native-American fabulist Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) made an early bid to lock up the Black vote for a prospective 2020 presidential run by discovering that in addition to being part Cherokee she is also part Black.

“Just this last week I was told by a ninth cousin that our great-great-great grandmother was a slave who was serially raped by John Calhoun back in the 1850s and bore him more than a dozen children,” Warren told a Black audience earlier this week. “I am proud to say that I am one of the descendants of one of those children.”

The Senator alleged that “this bond of blood makes me especially qualified to represent those of us who have been oppressed because of the color of our skin. I wish that I would have known of my heritage earlier in my life. I could have opened some more doors for myself. But maybe the momentum from this later realization can open the door of the White House to this belatedly aware biracial woman.”

Warren pledged to “focus on the continuing mistreatment of my people we see in our public institutions. I will work to remove math from the public school curriculum. Studies have shown that Blacks fail this subject at far higher rates than their share of the school population. In this age of computers it is a skill no longer needed to live in modern America. Likewise, I will work to free the Black men who disproportionately fill our prisons. Not acting white shouldn’t be a crime. True diversity realizes the subjectivity of values and doesn’t impose a moral code that is unsuitable for subsets of our society.”

Rev. Al Sharpton, a member of the audience Warren was addressing professed himself to be “tepidly optimistic” about her candidacy. “While I like her program I am not persuaded she would be an authentic spokesperson for Black liberation. I’m thinking maybe Michelle Obama would be a better vehicle for our message, though I do have my reservations concerning her demand that all men be neutered.”

In related news, the mysterious appearance around the country of flyers saying “it’s okay to be white” has struck terror among assorted minorities. Principal Renay Johnson of Montgomery Blair High School in Silver Spring, Maryland, said “the appearance of these flyers at our school is the most frightening incident I could have imagined ever happening here. It directly contradicts what we are trying to teach our students. The perpetrators must be hunted down and punished to full extent of what the law allows.”

NYC Jihadi Pleased with Himself

New York City attack suspect Sayfullo Saipov professed himself “pleased with the outcome of my holy jihad against the unbelievers. I could have slain more if it hadn’t been for the interference of the bus and getting shot by the police, but eight is a respectable count. Luckily, one of those I killed was a Jew. I will get extra benefits in paradise for that. If every Muslim could slay as many unbelievers as I have all religions except for Islam would be erased from the Earth.”

John Miller, deputy New York police commissioner for intelligence, said “Saipov appears to have followed, almost exactly to a T, the instructions that Isis has put out.” This observation inspired Mayor Bill de Blasio to declare “today, I am a Muslim and I urge every resident of this great City to weigh the risks and rewards of not making the smarter and safer choice. Consider—Bible, Quran—these are just books with words that few people read. If you reject the Bible no priest or rabbi is likely to try to kill you. Meanwhile, you would be eliminating a Muslim’s incentive to kill you. Once we are all nominally Muslim the madness can cease.”

Shat al-Ott, Imam of the Paterson New Jersey radical mosque attended by Saipov, dismissed de Blasio’s recommendation, calling it “insincere. Islam is not a phony religion like Christianity. It requires full devotion, daily prayer, pilgrimages, and a willingness to fight for the spread of the faith. Anyone who is not willing to kill or risk being killed in this struggle is not a true Muslim and must be slain.”

In related news, Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) dismissed President Trump’s demand that we end the diversity visa lottery program that facilitated the terrorist’s entry, and that of 23 of his family members, into the United States as “absurd. The actions of Mr. Saipov demonstrate that the program is working like it’s supposed to work. What could be more diverse than killing a random bunch of people out of religious devotion? The chances of finding a ‘home-grown’ American who would do such a thing are exceedingly slim. If Trump’s effort toward excluding people of different faiths and customs is successful we would be isolated from world-wide trends that are reshaping what it means to live in modern times. Europe has adjusted to the new ‘normal.’ Do we really want to be left behind?”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

 

 

Salacious Smear of Trump Funded by Dems

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnAfter a year of trying to hype the Fusion GPS “dossier” on Donald Trump into alleged “proof” of his illicit collusion with Russia the Democrats have seen the escapade backfire big time. An expose in the Washington Post, of all places, disclosed that the Democratic National Committee paid up to $9 million for the political hit piece. Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, chair of the DNC at the time these payments were made, and Hillary Clinton, Democratic candidate for president at that time, both denied any knowledge of the payments.

Clinton pointed out that “we spent a billion dollars on the campaign. In that context, a $9 million payment to an obscure opposition research outfit was peanuts. Why would I be expected to have any knowledge of it?”

Well, there were a series of progressively desperate tweets from the candidate starting in August 2016 and periodically repeated up to October 31 querying the absence of media coverage of Trump’s supposed collusion with Russia to rig the election. Despite Hillary’s efforts, though, media outlets refused to publish any of the dossier’s content on the grounds that the charges couldn’t be independently verified.

Editors at the Los Angeles Times—one of the 99 percent of newspapers that endorsed Clinton for president—dismissed the question of who paid for the smear, saying that “who paid is not as pertinent as the seriousness of the charges made in the dossier.” As for the lack of corroboration of any of the “serious” charges, the Times editors asserted that “the leveling of even false allegations in a political campaign is protected freedom of speech. The media must bear a large share of the responsibility for its refusal to go public with the dossier’s details when it could have made a difference in the election’s outcome. A finicky aversion to publish allegations out of an overwrought fear that they might later be proven untrue may have saddled the nation with a man unfit to hold the office of president.”

Obama’s former Director of National Intelligence James Clapper attempted to rescue the situation by arguing that “the absence of evidence behind the dossier’s claims doesn’t preclude the possibility that they might be true. I mean, no one’s produced definitive evidence verifying the existence of ‘big foot,’ but that doesn’t prove the creature doesn’t exist. Our spying on Trump and his associates was never 24/7. They had unobserved moments where they could’ve done the things the dossier said they did. Until they come forward with a persuasive accounting for every minute of their time over the last few years I think we have to assume they’ve got something to hide.”

Former Clinton spokesperson and current CNN contributor Brian Fallon called the “latest kerfuffle over whether the dossier is factual is irrelevant. The more important thing about these types of campaign documents is ‘are they effective.’ If I had known about it before the election I would’ve shouted it to the rooftops. The campaign’s failure to do that exhibited a timidity unbecoming of someone who truly wants to wield political power. In my book, you use every weapon you have to win. After you win no one will dare question whether your tactics were dirty. And if they do, you’ll have numerous tools you can use to make them regret raising the issue.”

White House Press Secretary Sarah Sanders called the recent turn of events “ironic. The scheming of the Democrats reminds me of the whole Watergate affair. Rather than take their issues to voters as President Trump did, they put their energy into concocting a false narrative aimed at muddying up their opponent. Nixon paid ‘plumbers’ to spy on his 1972 election opponent. Even though he was heavily favored to win and did win, his underhanded tactics eventually brought him down. While Mrs. Clinton’s underhanded tactics didn’t win her the election, they may yet bring her down to a worse place than merely being an ‘also ran.’”

In related news, Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz). strove to minimize his role in hyping the dossier, reminding everyone that, “I had a brain tumor when I did that. Who knows what I was thinking or why I did what I did?”

UK Law Enforcement Shift Spurs Soaring Crime Rate

The shift of law-enforcement focus from “ordinary crimes” to “hate crimes” has coincided with a surge of 19 percent in violent crime, 22 percent in rapes, and, surprisingly, given the country’s strict gun-control laws, 27 percent in crimes committed by firearm-toting thugs. While budgetary concerns have had a role in the reduced arrest records (down 48 percent over the last nine years) the shift of emphasis toward cracking down on “hate crimes” is also a factor.

In London, arrests for “offensive comments” are up by 53 percent in the last year. A spokesman for the Metropolitan Police explained that “in our view, a hateful comment is a more serious matter than the run-of-the-mill crimes committed by ordinary criminals. Hateful comments spring from hateful thoughts. If we don’t take the initiative to suppress hateful thoughts they could lead to a wider social break down.”

A particular focus of the anti-hate crime effort has been “the noxious animus against people of Asian descent. The clash of cultures between white values and foreign values adds an ugly racist taint to the ways long-term residents perceive newer arrivals. The Mayor has emphasized that we must spare no effort in nipping this in the bud.”

While “nipping” hateful thought in the bud has shifted police from patrolling the streets to perusing Facebook and Twitter in search of hateful words, Muslim immigrants have played a significant part in the rise of ordinary crimes—attacking “unbelievers” and sexually assaulting “loose women” in emulation of the Prophet and as prescribed in their holy Quran.

In related news, Sweden issued an ultimatum demanding that “all European Union countries must take more refugees, or else.” Prime Minister Stefan Löfven contends that “xenophobia is a major threat to Europe” and that “the best way to combat this threat is to speed our transition to Islam. The sooner we all join the umma, the sooner the terrorism will stop. Surely it is better to simulate the required five daily prayers than to endure the constant risk of being killed for our resistance.”

Evidence Obama Administration Discriminated Against Conservatives

This week evidence of a comprehensive policy of illegal discrimination by the Obama Administration against conservatives emerged on two fronts.

First was the discovery of an internal IRS email outlining an intentional plan to obstruct Tea Party organizations from obtaining tax-exempt status for educational activities. An April 1, 2011 email from Elizabeth Kastenberg, an official in the agency’s exempt organizations division, confirmed that “these cases are held back primarily because of their political party affiliation rather than specifically any political activities.” The IRS also illegally colluded with the Federal Election Commission (FEC) to crack down on conservative nonprofits during the 2012 election cycle.

IRS Commissioner John Koskinen tried to brush off the email as “an obvious ‘April fool’ joke. Look at the date on the email. To say this is a ‘smoking gun’ is absurd.” Koskinen’s contention is rebutted by the demonstrated pattern of discrimination and harassment conservative groups faced from the IRS in the post-2011 period.

Second was a Department of Justice scheme to ensure that nearly a billion dollars in settlements from businesses sued by the Obama Administration would be donated exclusively to left-wing political organizations. Records obtained from the Obama era Office of the Assistant Attorney General (OAAG) and the Office of Legal Counsel (OLC) revealed a conscious intent to exclude conservative or non-partisan groups from receiving any of the settlement money.

With respect to the settlement scheme, current Attorney General Jeff Sessions characterized the scheme as “essentially, political extortion. Under the threat of prolonged and expensive litigation, the previous DOJ allowed targeted businesses to opt out by agreeing to accept a plea and pay a fine. The money obtained from those fines was used as a ‘slush fund’ to aid left-wing interest groups like National Council of La Raza, Urban League and National Community Reinvestment Coalition.” Sessions ordered an end to the policy, saying that “if real damages are incurred due to torts committed by any defendants payments should be paid to the injured parties not politically favored pressure groups.”

With respect to the IRS discrimination, it has be announced that Koskinen will be replaced by the Treasury Department”s assistant secretary for tax policy, David Kautter as acting commissioner of the Internal Revenue Service beginning November 12.

Obama Briefed on Uranium One Scandal

The confidential informant recently released from the non-disclosure agreement forced on him by the Obama Administration Department of Justice passed on evidence that Russian nuclear officials were engaged in bribery, kickbacks, extortion, and money laundering to his FBI superiors for inclusion in President Obama’s daily briefing. A $500,000 share of the bribes went into the pocket of former President Bill Clinton as a “speaking fee” and $145 million went to the Clinton Foundation in the form of “donations” from principals who profited from the sale of 20 percent of the U.S. uranium supply to a firm owned by the Russian government.

Obama professed to “have no recollection of the matter. As my successor can attest, these briefings are boring and repetitive. My mind may have wandered during the briefing where this uranium thing was mentioned. I was probably thinking about the NCAA basketball tournament and how my brackets were holding up.”

Rep. Louie Gomert (R-Tex) dismissed the ex-President’s lame excuse as “par for course. I’m more interested in the role the FBI superiors have played in this whole affair.

Mueller was the Director at that time. Rosenstein was a high-ranking official. It was Rosenstein who subsequently appointed Mueller as special counsel in charge of investigating supposed collusion between Trump and the Russians. The involvement of these men in what now has the appearance of a massive attempt to divert attention away from this earlier real collusion raises serious concerns of a cover-up to protect the guilty with a ploy to implicate the innocent.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Schumer Advises Red-State Dems to Hide Views on Guns

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnSenate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) advised Party colleagues facing a tough reelection fight in states carried by Trump last November to mute criticism of gun ownership ahead of the 2018 mid-term balloting.
“We all agree that we need more restrictions on gun ownership,” Schumer conceded. “But if too many red-state voters perceive this is our intent we could lose seats in the Senate and House. What I am urging is that we be smart. There is no need to fully reveal what we stand for, especially if it might cost votes. This is a case where an elected Democrat’s silence on the issue will be the best strategy.”

Instead, the Minority Leader suggested that imperiled Democrats “could focus on economic issues. The Trump Administration is pushing a huge tax cut. We can point out that transferring more of the nation’s resources from the public sector into the hands of selfish private individuals endangers the progressive transformation of the United States that former President Obama worked so hard to accomplish. Trump has foolishly boasted that his tax cut will be ‘rocket fuel’ for the economy and will create millions of jobs. This will lure more Americans into the labor force, undoing the leisure gains of the Obama years.”

“Already, the baleful signs of what is to come from the Trump tax cut plan can be seen in surging employment opportunities,” the Senator observed. “Just last month the number of applications for new unemployment benefits fell to a 44-year low. This vital safety net for the work-averse would be torn to shreds by the tax cut ‘rocket fuel’ Trump would unleash on our economy. Standing against such a calamity would, in my opinion, redound to the benefit of every Democrat come November 2018.”

Evidence of Russian Influence Seeps Out

This week evidence showing Russian bribery aimed at manipulating US Government policies began to trickle into the media sphere. It seems that the State Department’s 2010 decision to permit a Russian-owned uranium firm to acquire 20% of the US supply of this nuclear resource proceeded amid a flurry of donations to the Clinton Foundation.
While FBI field agents uncovered the bribery trail, then Director, Robert Mueller successfully suppressed the investigation obtaining a Department of Justice (DOJ) “gag” order that is still in effect today. This past week, Senator Charles Grassley (R-Iowa), chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee, called for current DOJ Attorney General Jeff Sessions to lift the gag order, but was rebuffed by the Trump appointee.

“There are many complicated issues to consider,” Sessions said. “For one, there is the reputation and privacy of current and formerly highly placed government officials to be taken into account. Right now Robert Mueller is a special counsel looking into other matters. His effectiveness on that assignment could be impeded if he were to be queried on the uranium deal. Another factor that looms large in my mind is whether the Statute of Limitations may have expired on any crimes committed so long ago. Raising issues that couldn’t be tried in court because of this would be fruitless and embarrassing.”

Grassley declared “Sessions’ refusal to lift the suppression of evidence by his AG predecessor is an unacceptable infringement on Congress’ responsibility to scrutinize the actions of the executive branch. Why he is honoring an illegal gag order defies understanding. If we are to ‘drain the swamp’ we must have access to witnesses holding crucial evidence.”

In related news, former Attorney General Eric Holder defended former FBI Director James Comey’s exoneration of Hillary Clinton prior to completion of an investigation, calling it “an efficient way of disposing of the matter. Comey knew that there was no way that AG Lynch was going to pursue a case against Mrs. Clinton. Writing the exoneration memo in advance was a way to more efficiently close the whole thing down and save the government a lot of heartaches and headaches.”

GOP Virginia Gubernatorial Campaign Called “Racist”

Republican candidate for Virginia Governor Ed Gillespie’s vow to implement policies that would crack down on the notorious Latino gang known as MS-13 was dubbed “racist” by his Democratic opponent Ralph Northam. “That a man aspiring to the highest office in this state would single out these immigrants and children of immigrants is repugnant,” Northam insisted.

State and local law enforcement officers, however, regard MS-13 as a serious threat to the inhabitants of the communities in which they carry out their criminal depredations. Alexandria, Virginia Police Chief Earl Cook called the gang “more vicious and violent than the Mafia. Our streets cannot be safe if we don’t exert the extra effort and vigilance needed to combat these criminals.”

Northam maintains that “I am not opposed to law enforcement directed at criminal activity. But I do think it needs to be more balanced in terms of the racial composition of suspects arrested and prosecuted. Making scapegoats of the youths who belong to MS-13 is the kind of bigotry inspired by Donald Trump and his minions, one of whom is my opponent in the upcoming election.”

“No law-abiding person denies the need to crack down on these violent criminals,” Gillespie countered. “The notion that we should seek a racially-balanced prison population as a meaningful way to promote public safety is deluded and counterproductive. In my view, given its tactics and the frequency with which they assail victims, MS-13 should be at the top of our ‘most wanted’ list.”

Bush Assails Culture of Bigotry

Fresh off eight years of rest during the Obama Administration, former President George W. Bush decried what he called the current “culture of bigotry” in American politics. Based on the content of his remarks, the “bigotry” in question appears to be Donald Trump’s characterization of Washington as a “swamp.”

“When a prominent member of government attacks government in this way it undermines the people’s confidence in their rulers,” Bush declared. “The loss of confidence creates a very real danger of disobedience toward those in charge. This is the path to anarchy.”

“Clearly, bringing in an outsider who knows nothing of the fellowship of friendly adversaries that runs our country was a mistake,” the former President lamented. “How we correct this mistake is the sacred mission of those of us who understand the process of ruling a country.”

Former President Barack Obama hailed what he characterized as “a long overdue admission of guilt from one of this nation’s leading anti-progressives. If Mr. Bush had joined with the Democratic wing of America’s governing fraternity to back Secretary Clinton’s bid for the presidency we wouldn’t now be talking about the ‘swamp.’”
“There is a very palpable risk that the transformation of America that I put into motion may be undone,” Obama warned. “Trump’s recent moves to reverse my executive actions granting amnesty to ‘dreamers’ and subsidies to insurance companies on the grounds they were usurpation of powers the Constitution delegated to Congress puts form over substance. Isn’t whether an action is right more important than whether it is legal?”

Rep. Jamie Raskin (D-Md), an advocate of removing President Trump via the 25th Amendment’s “unable to discharge the powers and duties of his office” clause was “cheered by the agreement between our last two Chief Executives that Trump is unfit for the office he holds. Perhaps this will give Vice-President Pence the courage to lead Republicans in a joint effort with Democrats to end Trump’s nightmare regime. It’s not as if the GOP will lose the presidency. Removing Trump would make Pence the president. If I were in his shoes, that alone would be enough to spur me into action.”

In related news, 18 states have filed suit asking the courts to block Trump’s move to discontinue illegal subsidies to health insurance companies. New York Attorney General Eric Schneiderman contended that “since many states have come to depend on these illegal subsidies to sustain insurers allowed to operate in their states it would be unfair to revoke them. It is analogous to taking food away from a baby just because his father stole the money to pay for it. States need these subsidies to feed the insurers. Need has to take priority over a sterile insistence on rigidly following the law. Maintaining these subsidies is a matter of equity and social justice.”

DNC Purges Bernie Supporters

Citing the “need to avoid a repetition of last year’s Seth Rich problem,” Democratic National Committee Chairman Tom Perez announced the ouster of officials aligned with former presidential candidate Sen. Bernie Sanders (Vt). The vacancies will be filled with Hillary Clinton supporters, much like Special Counsel Robert Mueller staffed his investigation of Trump’s alleged collusion with Russia investigation with Clinton supporters.

DNC spokesperson Michael Tyler maintained that the replacement of Sanders supporters with Clinton supporters was “coincidental. The more important goal was to get a better racial mix among those on the committee. We’re proud to say that the number of Native Americans and Puerto Ricans has been substantially increased making the DNC membership more diverse.

The ousted James Zogby wondered “whether diversity of skin color ought to always supersede diversity in viewpoint. I fear the Party may be painting itself into a corner with its slavish devotion to such a one-dimensional criterion in the selection of its DNC members.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Presidential Library Won’t Include Obama Documents

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnThe Obama Presidential Library revealed that it won’t be providing any original documents written by Obama. Instead of having the former president’s manuscripts, documents and letters from his tenure in office—items presidential centers around the country all have—the Obama Library will have space for outdoor functions and picnics, a basketball court, recording studio, sledding hill, children’s play garden, and more. The decision has scholars puzzled and disappointed.

University of Chicago Professor of Black Studies Richard Buttkiss could hardly contain his dismay that “the written words of the greatest man to ever walk the Earth will not be available for historians to directly access. It’s as if the apostles had been barred from hearing Jesus speak. It seems like the world will be denied the opportunity to advance to a higher state of consciousness.”

Obama Foundation CEO David Simas explained that “President Obama did not want his legacy to be defined by a sterile preservation of his actual words, but to be a living record that evolves to meet the changing needs of an America on the move. What he wrote or said is not as important as what he meant or intended. By sloughing off the detritus of the past this President’s library will remain eternally relevant.”

Simas advised those who want to keep up with this evolving legacy “to buy his forthcoming books. The genius of this approach is that rather than rely on fallible outsiders to sift through an archive of old documents to craft a history of his era, President Obama will be cornering the market by blocking access to obsolete artifacts. A not insignificant byproduct will, of course, be the higher profits he will garner from book sales and speaking engagements as the sole source of insight for his term in office.”

Trump Revises Obamacare Rules

This week President Trump made some administrative revisions to the Affordable Care Act health insurance program. Using latitude granted to the president in the original legislation, Trump issued an executive action that allows individuals more choices in how to insure themselves. This expansion of choice was denounced by key Democrats.
Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) called Trump’s move “a stab in the back. Allowing people more choices is the exact opposite of what is needed if the changes made by Obamacare are to be made permanent. People will choose selfishly. They will only buy coverage they think they need. They won’t opt to pay for the coverage that government experts say others need. Under the President’s executive action a person who opposes abortion won’t have to pay to cover it for others. This extreme individualism undermines the collective welfare of society.”

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) called Trump’s move “sabotage. The Affordable Care Act (ACA) is a very delicately balanced system of cross-subsidization. If individuals who don’t need certain medical procedures are allowed to opt out of paying for them others who do need these procedures will be hurt. For example, under Trump’s rules a person who doesn’t want a sex change won’t have to pay for insurance to cover it for others. How is this fair? The notion that each person should be free to choose what he wants to buy is not the kind of America I want to live in.”

Senator Dick Durbin (D-IL) issued a press release seconding the “sabotage” accusation, saying “the Republicans already had their chance to repeal the ACA, but failed. Taking executive action to get around that failure is not the kind of bipartisanship Mr. Trump implied just a few weeks ago. For him to say he is merely exercising the same executive latitude that President Obama did is not an adequate justification. Since when do two wrongs make a right?”

Planned Parenthood CEO Cecile Richards complained that “ending the requirement for everyone to purchase abortion coverage allows Christians to impose their views on others. Women have an inalienable right to terminate unwanted offspring. It is everyone else’s obligation to provide the financial means necessary to implement this right. The ACA regulations proclaimed by President Obama’s executive action are the crucial legal mechanism by which these rights were realized. By allowing individuals to buy insurance that doesn’t pay for abortions this country has taken a major leap backward.”

Clintons Should Run Puerto Rico Relief Effort

Former presidential candidate and Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean criticized the Trump Administration’s handling of post-hurricane relief efforts for the island of Puerto Rico. While the federal government has delivered massive amounts of supplies to the island it has not been uniformly successful in getting them distributed to those in need. Part of the hang-up has been local politicians laying claim to supplies. Another part has been unions seeking higher pay for transporting the supplies locally.

Dean’s proposed solution: “let the Clinton Foundation take over from here. They have the know how and a demonstrated history of success. When Haiti was struck by an earthquake in 2010 the Foundation sprang into action and assisted this nation’s recovery.”

Whether Dean’s confidence in the Clinton Foundation is warranted seems dubious. The record in Haiti is not as glorious as Dean remembers. Funds raised in the name of “relief” were doled out to companies that made large donations to the Clinton Foundation. Very little was accomplished on behalf of people living in the 100,000 homes that were destroyed in the quake.

Dean insists that critics of the Clinton’s performance in Haiti “aren’t seeing the complete picture. Haiti is a third world Hell-hole run by crooked politicians. The expectation that the relief funds would trickle down to the little people is unrealistic. That a substantial portion of the donated money was channeled to major Democratic donors is an overlooked success. What I’m saying is that a similar level of success is possible in Puerto Rico if the right people are put in charge of the operation.”

In related news, now that the sexual crimes of one of her presidential campaign’s donors have burst into a national scandal, Hillary Clinton has promised to re-donate his contribution to charity. “Luckily, the Clinton Foundation is both a handy and reputable institution to which these ill-gotten gains can be redeployed,” she observed.

Carter Offers Self as “Human Shield”

This week, former US President Jimmy Carter offered himself to North Korea’s communist government to “act as a human shield against an attack by the Trump Administration” contending that “even a madman like Trump would surely pull back if he knew an innocent American’s life was at stake.”

Fortunately for the ex-president, North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un rebuffed the offer. “Our might is supreme,” Kim boasted. “We have no need for shields—human or otherwise. Mr. Carter, like all of my enemies, will die at a time and place of my choosing. Even those who to attempt to hide like my brother did will be found and killed by my unstoppable assassins.”

Twitter Blocks Candidate’s Mention of “Aborted Baby Parts”

A tweet from Rep. Marsha Blackburn (R-TN) that mentioned Planned Parenthood’s sales of aborted baby parts led to Twitter blocking a campaign ad in her bid for a US Senate seat in her state.

Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey labeled Blackburn’s tweet “inflammatory and likely to evoke a strong negative reaction. On the one hand, there’s the woman who already has to deal with the emotionally difficult decision to terminate her pregnancy. Awareness that her baby might be cannibalized and sold for parts like a junked car would add unnecessary trauma to that decision.”

“On the other hand, there is potential financial damage to Planned Parenthood,” Dorsey continued. “If the notion spreads that babies aborted in their facilities could be chopped up and sold instead of being incinerated as hazardous waste, women might stop seeking the procedure from Planned Parenthood’s doctors. We cannot in good conscience allow our network to be used to inflict this kind of damage on this vital organization.”

In related news, Apple’s Vice President of Diversity Denise Young Smith apologized for publicly suggesting that diversity of thought is important. The apology followed a storm of left-wing criticism of her earlier remarks asserting that skin color wasn’t the sole criteria for achieving diversity. “Last week I made some comments as part of a conversation on the many factors that contribute to diversity and inclusion,” she said.

“My comments were not representative of how I think about diversity or how Apple sees it. I’m sorry.”

Housing a “Necessary Right” Says Congresswoman

Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif) declared “it is everyone’s human right to have a suitable house to live in. Life, liberty and pursuit of happiness mean nothing if you don’t have a decent place to live.”

Waters demanded that Housing and Urban Development Secretary Ben Carson “implement a program that provides a house to everyone that needs it. For too long access to a decent home has depended on the ability of individuals to afford to pay for it and maintain it. This is an injustice when we have the means to solve this problem.”

Part of the Congresswoman’s reasoning cited “the fact that many rich people have more than one house or a bigger one than they need shows we have a housing surplus that could be redistributed or shared. We could take a big bite out of homelessness without having to spend any government money. If there are any homeless after the redistribution and sharing is put into effect then the government can build more and better than the crappy public project apartments that we foist on the poor. Why should they have to live in these crime infested slums?”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Serial Sexual Harasser Sees Right-Wing Conspiracy

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnHollywood big shot Harvey Weinstein took a hint from his good friend Hillary Clinton and blamed a vast right-wing conspiracy for a recent New York Times article detailing his long history as a serial sexual harasser. Hurt that his generous donations to Democratic politicians and payoffs to his victims weren’t sufficient to suppress this information, the bloated movie mogul lamented that his reputation may have been “irretrievably damaged.”

“The unfairness of it all just boggles my mind,” Weinstein admitted. “Others have done far worse and come away smelling like a rose. Bill Clinton raped a woman and committed perjury, but is still admired enough to land half-million dollar speaking gigs. I never raped anyone. Why am I being singled out?”

A clue to Mr. Weinstein’s anomalous fate may have been Hillary’s offhand disparagement of his “measly $600,000 donation to the Clinton Foundation. Others have given much more. Harvey certainly had the means to give more. If he had I might not have suffered the injustice of being denied the presidency. Ironically, if I had won I could’ve pardoned Harvey and put this whole ugly episode behind us.”

In a bid to placate the women he has offended and curry favor with the courts, Weinstein vowed to “channel my anger by driving the NRA out of business” and reminded everyone that he is “making a movie about Trump that is so damning that he will resign in disgrace.” Whether either of these actions will deter lawyers in pursuit of monetary compensation for the aggrieved women Weinstein degraded seems doubtful.

In related news, Chelsea Clinton demanded that a court dismiss author Christopher Kimberley’s plagiarism lawsuit against her. Kimberley alleges that a significant portion of her children’s book She Persisted was based on content he shared with her publisher when he was attempting to sell his book idea. Clinton’s lawyers asserted that “first, Kimberley’s idea wasn’t copyrighted. Second, our client’s mother was the candidate that coined the phrase ‘she persisted’ during her recent unsuccessful run for the presidency. Third, the Clinton’s are one of this country’s foremost families. Their stature must supersede this little known writer’s claim that his 2013 bid for a book deal entitles him to compensation. Fourth, even if his idea was stolen, the statute of limitations for this alleged crime ought to rule out any legal action at this late date.”

Massacre in Vegas Spurs Gun Control Effort

Like clockwork, the murderous rampage in which a sniper shot more than 500 people, killing 58 of them, from a Las Vegas high-rise hotel last Sunday has inspired renewed calls for gun control legislation. Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) called for “Republicans to join Democrats in order to pass legislation that will once-and-for-all disarm those who have no need for guns.”

From what we know about the alleged shooter it seems unlikely that any gun legislation would be effective in deterring this type of crime. After all, murder is already illegal and carries the most severe penalties under existing laws. A person willing to violate the law against murder does not seem likely to be deterred by adding a weapons violation, especially when mass killers usually are killed in shootouts with law enforcement officers or commit suicide. Another inconvenient fact is that some of the places in the US with the strictest gun control laws and very low rates of National Rifle Association (NRA) membership have disproportionately high rates of gun violence.

Facts and logic did not dissuade Schumer from accusing the NRA with complicity in gun-related deaths. “The NRA has bought the votes of congressmen who oppose reining-in this evil organization,” he argued. The Senator rebuffed “the right to bear arms” as “an obsolete concept. When the Second Amendment was adopted ordinary citizens needed firearms to hunt for food or to defend themselves when help was hours or days away. Well, everyone I know buys their food at a grocery store or restaurant. And with 911, help is only minutes away. The need for individuals to have personal arms just isn’t there anymore.”

Schumer hailed late night comedian Jimmy Kimmel as an example of how civilized people should behave. “He didn’t go out and buy himself a bunch of guns,” the Senator pointed out. “He just beefed up his armed security detail. Not only are the guns protecting Mr. Kimmel in the hands of trained professionals, he is also providing jobs for ex-military and retired police. I call that a win-win solution for America.”

While Schumer expressed outrage that the NRA would provide campaign contributions to legislators who oppose gun control he seemed unperturbed by Planned Parenthood donating to legislators who oppose abortion. Since 1973—the year the US Supreme Court created a universal right to abortion—there have been 1.5 million gun-related deaths vs. 55 million abortion-related deaths. Some of the gun-related deaths were accidental. Some were suicide. But all of the children killed by abortion were intentional homicide. Statistically, the votes “bought” to oppose abortion have taken a far greater toll on human lives than any votes “bought” by the NRA.

IRS Gives Contract to Equifax

Despite a hack of its database that exposed the personal information of 145 million of its customers, the Internal Revenue Service (IRS) granted a no-bid $7.5 million contract to Equifax. Under the terms of the contract the company will handle the personal information of millions of taxpayers.

Sen. Charles Grassley (R-Iowa) called the contract “bad on so many levels. What kind of fool trusts a firm that has just experienced a huge data breach to handle more of the same kind of data? On top of this, the ‘no-bid’ process evades procurement guidelines calling for competitive bids from multiple firms. This is designed to ensure fairness and value for the taxpayers’ dollars. The no-bid option is only there for instances where there is only one possible source for providing the services requested. That clearly isn’t the case here.”

Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-Utah) concurred with Grassley’s concerns, “the IRS lacks the cybersecurity needed to safeguard taxpayer information that most private corporations have. I would think that the demonstrated breach suffered by Equifax would make them, at least for the time being, an unqualified bidder. This deal smells.”

IRS Commissioner John Koskinen characterized the Senators’ fears as “overwrought. Our mission at the IRS is to maximize the revenue extracted from taxpayers. While we’d naturally prefer that personal data be secured from hackers it is not essential to our mission to achieve that level of security. We may have ‘bent’ the rules a bit with the no-bid contract, but I’d like to point out that this saved the IRS the trouble of having to scrutinize a bevy of competing firms and freed up internal resources to make them available for scrutinizing right-wing political groups seeking nonprofit status.”

Lawyer Says Dems Ordered Falsification of Records

Democratic National Committee IT aide Imran Awan has been indicted for bank fraud and is suspected of pilfering computer equipment and selling classified materials to the highest bidders. Aaron Page, one of his lawyers says that his Democratic congressional employers told him to falsify records in order to conceal how they were spending public funds.

The alleged falsification scheme entailed bogus invoices showing a expensive equipment incorrectly inventoried at under $500 in value, but with an attached “service plan” to compensate the vendor for the full cost of the item. Later these items frequently disappeared because items listed as under $500 in value are not as closely watched.
One of Awan’s employers, Rep. Yvette Clarke (D-NY), discovered that $120,000 worth of equipment went missing from her office. Rather then report a theft, her chief of staff quietly filed papers erasing any record of the equipment from the office inventory.

Clarke dismissed the controversy as “a minor matter. The government is a trillion dollars in the red every year. The total debt is twenty trillion. In that context, the fate of a piddling 120 thou is inconsequential. What we should be focusing on is the racism that is denying Colin Kaepernick his rightful place in the National Football League.”

Judge Bars Cooperation with Commission on Election Integrity

Judge Tim Sulak, a Democrat who serves on the 353rd District Court located in Travis County, Texas filed a restraining order blocking the Secretary of State from turning over voter registration information to President Donald Trump’s Advisory Commission on Election Integrity. Texas law requires the Secretary of State to release the information to any person or organization that fills out the form, pays the fee and signs an affidavit certifying that the information will not be used for commercial purposes.

In his ruling Sulak maintained that “the entire Trump Administration is nothing more that a gigantic marketing campaign to sell the deranged rantings of a megalomaniac as the legitimate policies of a duly elected government. This is obviously a commercial purpose. As such, I judge the affidavit as false and forbid the Secretary of State from cooperating in anyway with the Trump criminal conspiracy.”

Interestingly, the State of Texas has 12 counties in which there are more registered voters than there are adults. The Public Interest Legal Foundation (PILF) notes that Texas is not unique in this regard. Their research found 248 counties in 24 states with similarly odd disparities.

Sulak insisted that “odd disparities don’t prove election fraud. Until fraud is proven I can see no legitimate grounds for permitting our state to participate in Trump’s witch hunt.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News
John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Dems Assail Trump’s NFL Comments

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnPresident Trump’s objection to NFL players refusing to stand for the playing of the National Anthem prior to the start of their football games spurred outrage among assorted Democrats.

Democratic Coalition chairman Jon Cooper maintained that Trump’s statement that “the sons of bitches who won’t stand for the Anthem ought to be fired” violates federal law. “It’s pretty clear that the president saying someone ought to be fired is a crime,” Cooper said. “This crime carries a penalty of 15 years in prison.”

Despite the lack of any mention of race in Trump’s remarks, Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif) insisted that his statement was “racist. We all know that the NFL is a plantation where black men are forced to risk grievous bodily harm to entertain and enrich white folks. Calling the players who protested their enslavement ‘sons of bitches’ is a ‘dog whistle’ telling their white overseers to fire them. This is the clearest evidence yet that Mr. Trump is unfit to rule and deserves to be impeached.” (Note: the minimum annual salary for “enslaved” NFL players is over $400,000. Many stars earn far more. Detroit Lions Quarterback Matthew Stafford, for example, has a five-year $135 million contract.)

Former presidential candidate Hillary Clinton echoed Waters’ take on the issue and wondered whether Trump “might be sending a coded message to his rich team-owning friends to have a few players killed as an example to others not to challenge his power. That would be a very persuasive message and likely to silence most opposition.”

Left-wing columnist Jonathan Alter cleverly characterized Trump’s words as “the fumble that will end his presidency. Football players are the most revered heroes of our culture. By pissing them off, Trump has ensured they will unite against him. Given the choice between whether to stick with their gridiron favorites or Trump’s lame demand that respecting the anthem and the flag ought to rein-in their right to protest, I think we all know how that will turn out.” Alter hailed reports “that NFL viewership was only down 20 percent seals the deal. Eighty percent will follow the players and vote to oust Trump in 2018.”

In related news, the United Nations Human Rights Council demanded that Canada “apologize and pay reparations to blacks living in their country.” Though Canada never had slavery, and in fact, offered refuge to slaves escaping north from the United States, UN spokesman Adam Blackman pointed out that “the power structure in Canada is white. It’s always been white. What more proof do we need that reparations are warranted?”

Operation “Safe City” Nets Nearly 500 Illegals

U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) teams made 498 arrests in “sanctuary cities” this past week as part of an enforcement action dubbed “safe city.” Those arrested included 317 people with criminal convictions, 68 immigration fugitives, 104 people who had previously been deported and 18 known gang members.

Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney (D) denounced the ICE raids as “an infringement on our city’s sovereignty. We gave our word to these undocumented immigrants that they would be safe from arrest in our jurisdiction. Now we look like fools.”

The Mayor vowed legal action “to reverse this egregious miscarriage of justice. We’re confident that we can find a judge who will rescind the ICE arrests and order the release of these victims of the Trump Administration’s racist xenophobia. And we’re not ruling out asking for punitive damages to discourage further atrocities of this sort.”

ICE acting Director Tom Homan called the Mayor’s declaration “a sick and twisted version of reality. Our action targeted the worst offenders. His efforts to shield these individuals from law enforcement endanger public safety. If anyone should be held liable it’s those sanctuary cities who give a haven to wanted criminals that prey upon the citizens government is obligated to protect.”

Governor Approves Medicaid for Abortions

This week, Illinois Gov. Bruce Rauner (R) signed legislation authorizing tax money to be used to fund abortions for poor people. This reversed a position he announced last April against such funding, but honors his 2014 campaign pledge “to ensure that poor mothers have the same ability to terminate unwanted children that their richer sisters have.”

Rauner brushed aside Republican arguments that individuals morally opposed to the murder of unborn children shouldn’t be forced to finance it through taxes, saying that “individual matters of conscience cannot be permitted to impede the collective will of the people. I was elected on a promise to extend abortion rights to those who can’t afford to pay for it. The Democratic legislators who passed the bill were elected on the promise to expand the scope of abortion. Democracy must prevail over idiosyncratic moral or religious prejudices.”

The Governor also argued that “in the long run increasing the frequency of abortions for the poor will work to the GOP’s political advantage. The children of poor people usually grow up to be Democratic voters. Be enabling interdiction before birth we will be decreasing the number of future Democratic voters. So, as I see it, Republicans who oppose public funding for abortion aren’t thinking strategically.”

In related news, Doug Jones, the Democratic nominee for Alabama’s US Senate seat, called the Illinois legislation “a good omen. The days when extremists like Roy Moore can prevent women from exterminating their unwanted offspring are surely numbered.” Jones is confident that his firm support of abortion “up until the day of birth” will be a winning issue over his GOP opponent Moore in this December’s special election.

China Cracks Down on Toilet Paper Abuses

Concerned that its citizens might be using too much toilet paper, the government of China is installing facial recognition technology in its public restrooms. If the same person tries to obtain more than his or her allotted four squares of toilet tissue per visit the computer will recognize the face and withhold any additional paper.

Chinese Minister of Public Facilities Hu Du Dung explained that “four squares is an adequate amount for any socially responsible person. It is four times the amount the Japanese allowed to their POWs during World War II. Any attempt to use more is theft from the collective.”

Dung adamantly rejected the possibility that digestive distress might warrant a larger allotment. “Unlike backward countries such as the United States, China has universal, single-payer health care,” he pointed out. “Those who suffer bowel irregularities have only themselves to blame. They have no right to appropriate more than their designated share of toilet tissue. Our new technology will ensure that this doesn’t happen.”

Meanwhile, in America’s cruel capitalistic society toilet paper is freely available in public restrooms across the country despite the lack of the high-tech methods now being deployed in the more advanced China.

In related news, an editorial in the New York Times lauded “the amazing strides communism achieved for Chinese women.” The editorial admitted that “while Chinese women have suffered under the ubiquitous oppression inflicted on all the country’s inhabitants, the suffering has been equal. Considering the traditional patriarchal Chinese culture that preceded communism we mustn’t discount that accomplishment.” The editorial failed to mention the country’s technological advance in toilet paper rationing.

Trump Tax Plan “Death Blow” to High-Tax States

A feature of the Trump Administration’s proposed tax reform plan that has stirred fear among governors of high-tax states is the elimination of deductions for state income and property taxes. New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D) called it a “death blow” for his state.
“New York has traditionally relied on high taxes to fund the services we provide for our population,” the Governor pointed out. “Resistance to these tax high rates has been moderated by the fact that deductions from federal taxes has helped pass some of the burden onto to states that have lower taxes. If we lose that deduction more New Yorkers will object to our state’s taxes.”

Cuomo complained that the Trump plan’s replacement of state tax deductions with larger standard deductions ($12,000 for single filers and $24,000 for joint filers) “is unfair to our residents. Right now, the average deduction for state taxes for Manhattan residents is nearly $25,000. Trump’s plan would allow the same standard deduction for filers living in all states. A perk that has been enjoyed by New Yorkers for decades would be dissipated into a universally shared equal benefit. How will people afford to live in New York if they’re to be treated the same as residents in other states?”

New York Republican Reps. Dan Donovan and Peter King joined Cuomo’s complaint asserting that “to treat New Yorkers like everyone else is unAmerican. Our state has grown accustomed to a special status. New York City would not be a world-class city without the tax-subsidy the current code allows. We will ally with Republicans from other high-tax states and Democrats to make sure Trump’s plan is killed.”

California is the biggest high-tax state. It currently receives a $100 billion subsidy per year under the current tax code. Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-Calif) called the subsidy “critical to sustaining my state’s status as the wealthiest in the United States. I cannot abide a tax reform that would change this even if it treats all states equally. California voters didn’t elect me to achieve fairness to other states. They expect me to defend our entitlements and that’s what I’m going to do.”

Feinstein also cited a recent report published by the Federation for American Immigration Reform (FAIR) showing that illegal immigration costs American taxpayers $135 billion per year as further inspiration for her opposition to Trump’s proposal. “As a sanctuary state, California has to bear a disproportionate share of this cost,” the Senator observed. “If we lose the federal deduction for state taxes our ability to continue as a haven for these immigrants would be threatened.”

Special Counsel Declines to Pursue Evidence of Obama Crimes

While Special Counsel Robert Mueller has yet to uncover any evidence of a Trump-Russia plot to steal last year’s presidential election, he has turned up disturbing incidents of the Obama Administration’s illegal spying on American citizens and lying under oath.
However, it is unlikely that anything will come of these findings since, as Mueller explains, “whatever misdeeds may or may not have been committed by members of the previous administration are not part of my mandate. My mission is to prove collusion between Trump’s people and agents of the Russian government. For me to go outside of my mission mandate would violate the explicit instructions I was given when acting Attorney General Rosenstein appointed me.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News
John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Sweden Adopts Stern Response to Country’s Rape Epidemic

 By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnNow that the influx of Muslim refugees into the country has catapulted Sweden to the top of the international heap when it comes to the crime of rape, government officials have determined it is time to take action. That action is the publication of a “sex guidebook” intended to convey a message to immigrants from Muslim countries that rape is wrong.

Youth and Civil Affairs Authority Director General Lena Nyberg explained that “the issue seems to be one of culture shock for young Muslim males entering Swedish society. These refugees were raised in a culture that explicitly designates females as sex objects for Muslim men. Naturally, these young men have a hard time adjusting to the western concept of equal rights for women.”

“Even worse, their religious doctrine declares that women who show their faces in public are whores,” Nyberg continued. “Consequently, Swedish women who go out in public with their faces showing are considered legitimate targets for punitive rape, assault, and murder by devout Muslims. Hopefully, our guide book will clarify the situation and deter Muslim men from committing these crimes.”

In Rinkeby, a suburb of Stockholm, local Imam Iwan Akillya denounced the guidebook, calling it “a violation of our religious rights and duties. Unbelievers trying to force their degraded western values on the people of Islam is unacceptable. True believers must follow the Quran, not the satanic blather of Swedish bureaucrats. It is Allah’s command that the faithful have a duty to slay the unbelievers, though it does permit using them as temporary sex slaves before killing or converting them.”

Nyberg said “the Imam’s statement is unfortunate. We hope it doesn’t reflect the real feelings among the young immigrants we are trying to reach. Our assumption is that those coming to our country as refugees are interested in fitting in with a new culture. Otherwise, why would they have chosen to leave the country of their birth?”

Akillya pointed out “the key flaw in the government’s reasoning is that Sweden is their country. All the world is for Allah. The sooner the unbelievers recognize this and convert to Islam, the sooner they can begin to enjoy membership in the only legitimate religion and know the peace of being one with the umma.”

In related news, Germany’s threat to support a European Union penalty of $75 million on Poland for its refusal to take in more Muslim refugees brought a stinging reply from Poland’s foreign minister Witold Waszczykowski. “We have seen the crime and social disruption that the importation of these so-called refugees has done to other European nations,” he said. “Germany, of all countries, should be keenly aware of the havoc that unwanted invaders can do to a country. By our estimation, the uninvited German visitors of 1939 ended up causing close to a trillion dollars worth of damage to Poland. Before Germany goes on a campaign to intimidate us to accept more invaders perhaps they should consider paying for the damage their country inflicted on all the places their troops went without being asked during World War II.”

Dem PAC Files Ethics Complaint

The Democratic Coalition filed a complaint with the Office of Government Ethics alleging that Presidential Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders’ suggestion that ESPN host Jemele Hill’s tweet labeling the President “a white supremacist who has largely surrounded himself with other white supremacists” might be a “fireable offense,” broke the law.

Democratic Coalition chairman Jon Cooper insisted that “we cannot ignore the sinister implications of what the Trump Administration has done here. Mrs. Sanders contends she is entitled to express her opinion about the outrageous comments of Ms. Hill, but clearly her statement was intended to intimidate ESPN into firing one of its valued employees for merely expressing her opinion about Trump and his henchmen.”

Nate Lerner, the Democratic Coalition’s executive director, cast Sanders’ words as “another example of the Trump White House’s blatant disregard for the Constitution. A few months ago we had Kellyanne Conway urging people to buy Ivanka’s clothing line, now this. It is of the utmost importance that we hold the Trump administration accountable for its illicit behavior. If Sanders doesn’t go to jail over this it will be a dark day for our democratic institutions.” The law Lerner has in mind calls for a fine, up to 15 years in prison, or both.

Whether ESPN could conceivably be frightened into a firing action it disagrees with based on comments made by a Trump Administration official seems dubious. Anti-Trump commentary has become an annoying and intrusive part of the network’s sports broadcast coverage over the past year. The only employee ESPN has fired for expressing political views was former Major League Baseball pitcher Curt Schilling after he questioned the wisdom of laws forcing organizations to allow professed “transgendered” individuals to use whatever restroom or locker room they pleased despite their conflicting physical anatomy.

Weiner Pleads for Leniency

Former congressman Anthony Weiner (D-NY) asked a Manhattan federal court to grant him leniency after his conviction for sending obscene emails and texts to an under-aged 15-year-old girl last year. Prosecutors are seeking a sentence of 21 to 27 months for a charge that carries a maximum of 10 years in prison.

Weiner’s lawyers argued that “the girl was the instigator of the crime. She preyed upon the weaknesses of a man who was widely known as a sex pervert. Now she’s written a book and will profit from the experience. So, to say that she was an innocent victim is false.”

A second mitigating factor cited was “the fact is, Mr. Weiner’s wife has already suffered enough. Her political career has been crushed. She’s lost the confidence and affection of former Secretary of State, and the only person she truly loves, Hillary Clinton. Under the State of New York’s community property law, her suffering ought to be credited against her husband’s legal liability.”

A third mitigating factor cited was that “given the narrow margin of her loss, it could be argued that the untimely revelation of Mr. Weiner’s misdeeds tipped the scales against Mrs. Clinton in her run against Donald Trump for the presidency. Surely, the misery now being experienced by this dedicated public servant and her supporters is sufficient punishment without putting Mr. Weiner behind bars.”

Lastly, Weiner’s lawyers argued that “putting this man in jail will deprive his son of his father’s presence. The boy’s development would be stunted without the daily interaction and guidance his father would be able to provide if he is allowed to go free. Who will teach the boy how to be a man? Who will teach the boy the difference between right and wrong? For the sake of this young boy’s future he needs his father.”

Hillary Admits “Mistakes Made”

One of the more bizarre revelations in Hillary Clinton’s campaign autopsy book—What Happened—was her admission that she tried Voodoo, “but it didn’t work. I had dolls of all the key players—Trump, Bannon, Limbaugh. I stuck them with pins like you’re supposed to, but none of them even got sick, much less died.”

The former presidential candidate speculated that “some sort of Russian radiation or hypersonic interference may have short-circuited the effectiveness of this time-tested technique. I mean, it’s not like I haven’t successfully used this tool before. We made a lot of problems disappear when Bill was governor of Arkansas and when we were in the White House. So, there’s got to have been some outside interference that prevented it from clearing a path to my election last year. Putin and the Russians seem to be the logical answer.”

A more predictable Clinton reaction in the book was her castigation of the “mistakes made by every woman who didn’t vote for me. They had a chance to make history by electing the first person without a penis to the presidency, but they blew it.”

“I’ve been searching for the reasons,” Clinton said. “In some cases I think it was a case of spousal abuse intimidating women from acting independently and voting for me. In other cases I think domineering fathers discouraged their daughters from breaking free of the patriarchy. So fearsome were these baleful male influences that even the secret ballot could not overcome their fear of what would happen to them if the men in their lives suspected they had voted for me.”

Though Clinton feigned a vague implied sympathy for women frightened away from voting for her, she refused to offer any absolution. “I’m not letting anyone off the hook for the evil they’ve done by not voting for me,” Hillary declared. “It’s their sin and they should suffer their well-deserved anguish and sleepless nights for as long as they live—like the young woman whose mother made her publicly apologize to me for not voting for me. Perhaps the humiliation that woman experienced will inspire other mothers to exert more effective control over their daughters the next time a woman runs for president.”

In related bad news for Mrs. Clinton, a County Circuit Court in Maryland ordered the State Bar to open an investigation into the conduct of three lawyers who allegedly helped her illegally delete her emails. Judge Paul Harris ruled that “an accusation that lawyers who have a special obligation to obey the law actually broke the law merits more than a hasty dismissal.” Harris rejected arguments from the three lawyers—David Kendall, Cheryl Mills and Heather Samuelson—that the case was frivolous since a similar complaint had already been dismissed in Arkansas, saying that “we should aspire to higher standards of ethics than might prevail in Arkansas.”

Meanwhile, 1600 newly released Clinton emails from her term as Secretary of State provide fresh examples of a “pay to play” scheme wherein donors to the Clinton Foundation received special favors from the State Department. Not only do these emails indicate a pattern of self-dealing corruption, they also contradict her testimony that she turned over all her Department-related correspondence before erasing only her personal correspondence upon leaving the office in 2013. A Clinton spokesperson, in a not-for-attribution statement, denied that the former Secretary of State’s testimony constituted perjury “because she was never asked to testify under oath. So whatever lies she may have told are, technically, not perjury.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News
John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Menendez Trial Raises Thorny Issues

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnSen. Robert Menendez (D-NJ) and his “campaign donor” Salomon Melgen are currently on trial for political corruption—the Senator for taking bribes and Melgren for paying them. Menendez argues that the “bribes” in exchange for pursuing legislation favorable to Melgren was “just ordinary politics—no worse than the actions of my many peers in Congress.”

As a case in point, the Senator pointed out that “former Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) was able to fatten his bank account through ‘sweetheart’ real estate deals with one of his donors. And he inserted language in the Affordable Care Act in exchange for money from the drug companies. He wasn’t prosecuted for any of this. Why am I being singled out?”

Prosecutor Peter Koski contended that Menendez “went outside the bounds of traditionally acceptable ‘pay-for-play’ bribery. Mr. Melgren doesn’t live in New Jersey. The Senator can’t pass off the favors he did as ‘constituent services.’ Former Senator Reid’s land deals were all conducted with a Nevada resident and constituent. And the payments he received from the drug companies were in the form of campaign donations. That Senator Reid retired and can now pocket these campaign donations is irrelevant.”

Kirk Ogrosky, the defense attorney for Melgen, called the distinctions between the actions of Senators Reid and Menendez “artificial. Mr. Melgren may not be a constituent of Senator Menendez in a geographic sense, but he is a constituent in a shared ethnicity. Both were part of the fellowship of Hispanic Americans. This trial is not only an attack on the two defendants, it is an attack on all Hispanics.”

Whether Menendez should resign from office if he is convicted posed a difficult dilemma for his Party peers. Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) pondered the issue, observing that “on the one hand, a criminal conviction is not good for one’s resume as a member of government. Given the fact that so many have been able to skate past the rules that would typically land a violator behind bars, a conviction in his case would signal an unusual degree of incompetence. I mean, the Clintons raked in hundreds of millions of dollars using the leverage of public office. This was a much bigger heist than Senator Menendez’s petty larceny. Yet, neither of them are on trial nor likely to ever see the inside of a prison cell.”

“On the other hand, there is no constitutional bar to an elected representative also being a convicted felon,” Schumer continued. “Let’s not overlook the fact that the Senator does represent the State of New Jersey. The voters there have a right to elect whoever they wish. Who is to say that he isn’t the kind of person who best reflects the values and talents of that state’s inhabitants?”

Dems in 15 States Sue Over Trump DACA Action

Democrat Attorney-Generals in 15 states plus the District of Columbia have filed suit against President Trump for his executive action overturning former President Obama’s executive decree on Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals (DACA). Trump justified his countering executive decree by pointing out that Obama lacked the authority to unilaterally modify US immigration law. Trump’s decree goes into effect in six months—a time span giving Congress the opportunity to handle the issue in a legal and constitutional fashion.

Nonetheless, the suing AGs described Trump’s action as “illegal” and “unfair.” New York Attorney General Eric Schneiderman cast Trump’s argument that only Congress can enact laws as “putting adherence to the law ahead of human decency. Whether President Obama had the legal right to enact DACA isn’t as important as whether it was the right thing to do. We’re hoping that the court will see past the legalities and confirm the fundamental justice of the DACA decree. These childhood immigrants are blameless. They have become accustomed to living in the United States. They shouldn’t be punished for the crimes committed by their parents.”

Schneiderman brushed aside the possibility that the suit may be premature since Congress may actually pass a law within the six-month grace period allowed by Trump’s executive action. “No person’s fate should be held hostage to a contingency that Congress will take timely measures to deal with an issue,” he asserted. “We have all seen how little Congress has accomplished over the past eight months. It would be foolish to count on this body to respond in an expeditious manner to the artificial deadline imposed by President Trump.”

For his part, Trump further muddled the issue by tweeting that he “may revisit the issue should Congress fail to act.” This is the same rationale used by Obama when he stepped outside the bounds of his authority to institute the DACA program.

In related news, Chicago Mayor Rahm Emmauel slammed Trump’s DACA move and declared “our City will always remain a safe haven for those pursued by immigration authorities. The same is not the case for Mr. Trump himself. He is barred from entering and police have orders to use whatever force is required to see that he stays away.”

Dem Drafting Legislation to Crack Down on College Freedom of Speech

Rep. Anthony Brown (D-Md) says he will introduce a bill that would require universities and colleges to define “acceptable speech” on campus. “On too many college campuses fresh-mouthed youths hide behind the First Amendment claiming that they have a right to air their unfiltered political views regardless of whether others might find them hurtful or outside the bounds of respectable opinion,” Brown said. “They openly flout the ‘free speech zone’ restrictions that school officials have imposed in an effort to protect students from hearing offensive remarks. We’ve got to put a muzzle on these free-speech abusers.”

Brown’s proposed legislation would set up a program to award grants to schools that “properly control what, when, and where students are allowed to voice their unsolicited opinions. No student should have to fear that a walk between classrooms would expose him or her to the rantings of right-wing anti-government ideologues. Universities that develop speech codes and procedures that will silence anti-progressive elements from infringing on the rights of others to not have to hear disturbing contradictions to prevailing mainstream views should be financially rewarded for their enterprise. My bill will do that.”

In related news, black caucus representatives at Harvard demanded that noted author and scholar Charles Murray be barred from speaking on campus—for public safety reasons. It’s not that the mild-manner Murray will rouse a rabble of right-wing goons to cause trouble. The fear is that “this racist apologist will instigate an oppressed minority to attack him. We haven’t read his books and we shouldn’t be forced to allow him to speak.”

More Comey Malpractice Unveiled

On top of last week’s revelation that former FBI Director James Comey drafted an exoneration memo for Hillary Clinton before more than a dozen witnesses had been interviewed, this week it was disclosed that the famous “30,000 missing emails” were in the possession of the National Security Agency (NSA). And, it turns out, Comey declined to accept the NSA’s offer to provide him with copies.

In defense of this refusal to receive evidence, Comey pointed out that “the decision not to prosecute Secretary Clinton was unanimous. As such, there was no reason to probe these emails. At best, we would have found that she was telling the truth that none of these emails dealt with government business. At worst, we would have found that she lied. This would have cast a serious pall of doubt over the reputations of those of us, including Attorney General Lynch and President Obama, who had already agreed that there would be no prosecution.”

“I was the ‘good soldier’ following the orders of my superiors,” Comey explained. “It is the Attorney General who determines which cases are worthy of prosecution. She, of course, must answer to the President. If he decides there is to be no prosecution then both she and I, as his subordinates, must obey. That I stepped up and took the heat for announcing there would be no prosecution was a heroic act of a loyal subordinate. I deserve praise, not persecution, as will become obvious when my book is published.”

Justice Dept Declines to Press Charges Against IRS Official

Assistant Attorney General Kevin Boyd announced that the Trump Administration will not be pursuing charges against former IRS executive Lois Lerner for discriminating against conservative organizations seeking tax-free status from the Agency.

While conceding that Lerner’s refusal to testify on the grounds it would be self-incriminating was, in effect a “smoking gun,” Boyd insisted that “the prosecution of a government functionary for carrying out the wishes of the president would be excessively punitive and set a dangerous precedent. A person entering the ranks of an administration shouldn’t have to be second-guessing every decision—is it right, is it wrong, is it legal or illegal. That would slow the gears by which the president’s will prevails in the making of policy.”

“Ideally, the chief executive is the one who should be held accountable,” Boyd argued. “Difficult as this might be given that the president can order enemies to be killed, nevertheless, it is a basic principle of our Constitution. The proper remedy would be impeachment. Since the person responsible for the IRS’ illegal acts is no longer in office the entire matter is now moot.”

Rep. Kevin Brady (R-Tex), chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee, called the decision not to pursue the case “terrible. It sends the message that the same legal, ethical, and Constitutional standards we all live by do not apply to Washington political appointees—who will now have the green light to target Americans for their political beliefs and mislead investigators without ever being held accountable for their lawlessness.

A Satirical Look at Recent News
John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.