Presidential Candidates Compete to Promise Most ‘Free Stuff’

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

This week, the number of announced Democratic presidential contenders reached 23. The crowded field left many desperate to generate interest in their candidacies. Front-runner, former Vice-President Joe Biden vowed to give free health care to illegal aliens. Reminded that these immigrants already receive this benefit, Biden insisted that “it’s not free enough. They’re forced to seek out clinics to get these services. When I’m president we’ll have an outreach program that requires doctors to make house calls so immigrants can enjoy these services in the comfort of the free public housing the government provides for them.”

Nomination rival Sen. Elizabeth Warren (Mass) pointed out that “sick people aren’t the only ones desperately in need of free services. Many are overburdened having to care for children they neglected to abort. The kinds of day-care available now are meager. Under my plan, every parent will be awarded $15,000 per year, per child. This will give them the purchasing power to afford the high-quality care that they deserve.”

“Not good enough,” complained Sen. Bernie Sanders (Vt). “Sen. Warren would leave the task of choosing providers to the parents, who are not qualified to make the right choices. True socialism mandates that all children be enrolled in a collective system that can guarantee identical treatment is meted out to every child from birth to college graduation. This is the only way to ensure that all are properly indoctrinated.”

With the concurrence of Sen. Kamala Harris (Calif), Sen. Cory Booker (NJ), and Kirsten Gillibrand (NY), Warren called Sanders’ approach “too communistic at this stage of the country’s transformation. We need to work toward that ideal more gradually by using some of the mechanisms already in place. That’s why we advocate federal grants to pay down student debt. It’s too early for an overtly regimented fully communist system. The current ideological indoctrination being carried out by most public and private schools is fully compatible with the recommendations laid out by Marx and Engels in their 1848 Manifesto.”

Concerned that this approach “neglects the less intellectually endowed,” nomination rivals South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg, former HUD Secretary Julian Castro, former Rep. John Delaney (Md), former Colorado Gov. John Hickenlooper, and Rep. Tulsi Gabbard (Hawaii) call for a “universal basic income.” “A traditional core constituency of the Democratic Party has been those lacking the ability to cope with the educational environment or to master the skills and self-discipline required to hold down a job,” Buttigieg said. “By guaranteeing every American a basic income regardless of whether they’re unable or unwilling to work we will extend the benefits of prosperity to all.”

Financing all the promised free stuff received little attention from the majority of the contenders. In a bid to sell himself as the “centrist” among the leftist horde, Biden explained that “I will personally repeal the Trump tax cuts and enact any new taxes needed to secure the money necessary.” The newest contender, New York City Mayor Bill DeBlasio declared “There’s plenty of money in this country. It’s just in the wrong hands. When I’m president we will seize that money so it can be utilized to fund whatever the government determines is most useful for the benefit of the masses.”

In contrast, former Rep. Beto O’Rourke offered voters a free viewing of him getting a haircut and massage. He claims that “letting the common people see how their betters live is an inexpensive way of boosting their morale. Their existence is pretty dull compared to ours. Celebrities like the Kardashians have brought joy to the masses by generously sharing their daily activities with them. I’m just following their good example.”

Trump Praises Buttigieg’s “Healthy Choice”

Confounding the media’s efforts to characterize President Trump as “anti-gay,” the President praised South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg’s marriage, calling it “absolutely fine. I think it’s something that perhaps some people will have a problem with. I have no problem with it whatsoever. I think it’s good.”

“By restricting himself to having anal sex with a single faithful partner he is avoiding the type of health risks that plague individuals who seek out multiple hook-ups with random strangers,” Trump explained. “So, I think he has made a wise and healthy personal choice. His political choices, on the other hand, aren’t so wise or healthy. He’s immersed in the insanity of the Democrat Party’s big-government agenda to promote programs and policies that will bankrupt the country and impoverish the American people.”

Unmoved by Trump’s tolerance, Buttigieg pointed out that “your vice-president refuses to accept anal sex as a natural appetite and bodily function. This kind of homophobia is hurting other people. Having him as your running mate proves you are unfit for public office.”

In related news, Buttigieg, a self-proclaimed devout Christian, asserted that “Christianity has extremist factions that are just as dangerous as Islamic jihadis. For example, many Christians reject the idea that gay marriage is legitimate. How is this different from Muslims stoning gays?” Apprised that Muslim stoning definitely does not entail making gays smoke weed until they get high, Buttigieg acknowledged “well, maybe I chose a bad example to illustrate my point, but there is no denying that Christians can be as bad as Muslims. That’s why I believe in turning the other cheek.”

Dems Assail State Laws Restricting Abortion

This week, Alabama and Missouri enacted legislation severely restricting abortions carried out in their states. In Missouri, abortions after eight weeks of pregnancy were banned. In Alabama all abortions except those necessary to preserve the life or health of the mother were outlawed.

Sen. Kamala Harris (Calif) called these laws “an invitation to inflict the nightmare from The Handmaid’s Tale on the women of this country.” Unfortunately for her argument, in The Handmaid’s Tale fertile women are enslaved, raped, and forced to bear children for the ruling class. Neither of these state laws does anything remotely like that. These laws aim to protect unborn humans from being murdered in the womb.

Margaret Atwood’s novel wasn’t the only textual source cited by Harris for her opposition. She also claimed that “these laws are an unconstitutional violation of the Supreme Court’s 1973 Roe v. Wade decree that a woman’s right to abort her unwanted child is an unalienable right. The Court, in its wisdom, discerned that the fetus has no rights which society is bound to respect.”

Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand (NY) concurred with her colleague and added her contention that “these laws violate our Christian faith. Christians believe in free will. A woman’s decision to terminate her pregnancy is an exercise of free will. Government has no authority to interfere in such a decision. What it does have is an obligation to make sure that every woman in America, no matter what state she lives in or how much money she has in her pocket, can have guaranteed access to safe, legal and free abortion. This means public funding of the procedure. That’s why the Court should also overturn the Hyde Amendment that prohibits federal taxpayer money from being use to finance these procedures. If the Court hasn’t done this by the time I become president, I will do it by executive order.”

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (Calif) also insisted that “preventing mothers from disposing of unwanted children is unconstitutional. It’s the type of cruel and unusual punishment that is banned by the Eighth Amendment. Trump’s refusal to send federal troops to arrest the Alabama legislators who committed this atrocity will be added to the list of offenses for which we will impeach him.”

Meanwhile, Colorado Secretary of State Jena Griswold has banned Coloradans from traveling to Alabama, “lest they be stranded there without access to safe and free abortions. Abortions are a constitutional right enacted by the Supreme Court. Until such a time that the Court slaps down Alabama’s attack on this right I cannot allow our state’s inhabitants to take the risk of traveling to this dangerous ‘no-go zone.’”

New York May Move to Restrict Residents from Leaving

As the flow of residents leaving the state has negatively impacted the taxes that can be extracted from these mostly well-off individuals, the government of New York is weighing options to rectify the situation. An idea gaining traction is the imposition of a “certificate of need” to determine whether each resident desiring to emigrate can demonstrate a sufficient urgency justifying the request to leave.

Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D) averred that “we need to reconsider the notion that a resident can decide whether to leave the state without justifiable cause. We understand that the desire to avoid the high taxes we impose is a strong motivating factor for the individual to move out. However, such a decision has anti-social connotations and negatively affects both those left behind and the governments that must care for them.”

“The really bad aspect of the situation from our perspective is that the out-migration is heavily weighted toward those who have money,” Cuomo explained. “They leave behind a growing cohort of persons who depend on the government for necessities like food and housing. This aggravates a cycle of dwindling means to sustain a proportionally increasing dependent population. I believe we have a moral obligation to intervene to prevent this from spiraling out of control.”

“We have regulatory precedents on which to craft an appropriate response,” Cuomo continued. “On a personal level, residents of this state must prove to the satisfaction of the government that they have sufficient need for a firearm before we issue them permission to carry one. I think we can use a similar approach to the emigration problem in that before anyone can legally move out of the state he must persuade regulatory authorities that his need to do so is sufficiently dire to justify it. If authorities are not persuaded that the proposed move benefits both the individual and the state, permission would be denied. The individual and his taxable assets would be required to remain in New York.”

California Gov. Gavin Newsom called Cuomo’s idea “intriguing. For too long we’ve allowed a knee-jerk acceptance of individual freedom to run roughshod over every individual’s duty to do what’s right for the collective welfare of society. This ‘rugged individualism’ is not a modern way of thinking. It’s time we realize that letting everyone do as he pleases at the cost of leaving his fellow man to fend for himself is morally wrong. Maybe it’s time for government to step in to force wayward individuals to do what’s best for all.”

Comey Credits Communist Past for His “High Moral Character”

Under continuing investigation by Attorney General William Barr for his “strange” decisions and actions regarding the Trump candidacy and presidency, former FBI Director James Comey cited “my earlier communist ideology for providing a steady ethical weather vane to guide me toward doing the right thing.”

Comey dismissed contentions that federal law enforcement officials should not interfere in political matters as “bourgeois delusion. The higher duty is to the collective well-being of mankind. Sometimes following the law fulfills this duty. At other times going beyond the bounds of the law may be required in order to achieve this duty. The clear consensus of those of us working for President Obama was that Donald Trump presented the most severe threat to the collective of any of the candidates running in the 2016 campaign. Recusing ourselves from using the vast powers at hand was not an option.”

“We would have succeeded if Rosenstein hadn’t double crossed us,” he complained. “He was supposed to testify that Trump ordered him to write the memo advising that I be fired. That would have clearly established the charge of obstruction. But he weaseled out, saying he needed to preserve his options in case things went south. Now he’s out there pretending he was some sort of a mole inside our conspiracy to save the country from Trump. It’s disgusting to see that some people have no sense of honor or integrity.”

The former FBI Director expressed “profound disappointment at the failure of our efforts to accomplish the mission” and admitted that “I am also hurt that fellow communist John Brennan is now breaking ranks and trying to save himself by blaming me for all the laws that were broken. I wrote the book on loyalty. Brennan should follow the lead that I laid out in my book. We still have allies within the government and we should all stick together during the perilous times to come. In the long run, communism will win. Marx clearly laid that out in his dialectical materialism analysis of history. Getting there with as little damage as possible to the true patriots must be our common goal.”

For his part, Brennan questioned “whether Comey truly understands the principles and methods of the fight for the communist revolution. Accusing others has a long history within the communist movement. Lenin and Stalin set the example. That Comey would complain rather than accept the blame the movement has decided he must in order to advance the revolution is a betrayal of the ideals the movement is trying to implement as the new ethos for the working class utopia.”

Colorado/New Mexico Immigration Tiff

Colorado’s Gov. Jared Polis (D) is miffed that New Mexico’s Gov. Michelle Lujan Grisham (D) has been busing unwanted illegal immigrants into his state. “She’s the one who left the border open for the swarms of immigrants and asylum seekers that have caused her state so many problems,” Polis said. “Now she trying to smuggle them into Colorado. It’s a sneaky underhanded trick.”

Grisham defended her actions saying that “it is only fair that the burdens be shared among the states. Gov. Polis is a supporter of open borders. Why shouldn’t his state welcome the arrival of people all we Democrats agree ought to be allowed into America? It’s not as if I acted unilaterally. We coordinated with Annunciation House, a nonprofit that works with migrants along the El Paso, Texas/Juarez, Mexico border to accomplish the transport of our excess supply of asylum seekers to an area comparatively deficient in the quantity of these public charges living within their state. Besides, the number transported so far is only 55 persons. Polis is making a mountain out of a molehill.”

“It’s not the quantity that is the issue,” Polis objected. “The issue is our being forced to take people we don’t want in our state. If we had been consulted in advance we would’ve contributed money to have these people bused to Mar-a-Lago. That’s where all the refugees should be sent to teach Trump that the transformation of the United States via floods of immigrants cannot be stopped.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Dem Wants to Revive Star Chamber Court

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Frustrated with the unsatisfactory results of the Mueller Report, chairman of the House Intelligence Committee Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) wants to initiate Congressional trials for members of the Trump Administration “who defy our demands for documents and testimony.”

Schiff characterized these prosecutions as “mini-trials that could be conducted without the presence of the accused. They would be tasked with a simple decision: has the accused complied with our demands or not. The House would render judgment and determine whether the accused would be jailed, fined, or both. With fines running up to $25,000 per day of continued disobedience, not to mention the legal fees involved in hiring defense attorneys, could quickly become financially ruinous. I think this would tend to inspire cooperation.”

He likened this approach to “the financial pressure Mueller applied to General Flynn, which, as we all saw, induced his cooperation. Or in the case of Michael Cohen resulted in a plea of guilty to a non-existent crime. It is time we ran with the baton that has been passed to us by Special Counsel Mueller for the next leg of our effort to rid the nation of Trump and his henchmen.”

Schiff ally, House Judiciary Committee Chairman Jerry Nadler (D-NY), who vigorously denounced the GOP in 2012 for holding former Attorney General Eric Holder in contempt for his many refusals to respond to Republican subpoenas during the “Fast and Furious” gun running operation carried out by the Obama Administration, rejected any comparison. “First and foremost, President Obama was a Nobel Prize winner,” Nadler pointed out. “That alone should put anything he did above reproach. Second, the claimed ill-effects of Fast and Furious were insignificant compared to the widely acknowledged threat to world civilization presented by President Trump.”

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif), though, offered a word of caution, pointing out that “over 60 million deplorables voted for Trump. Our prisons are apt to become quickly overloaded if we have to start jailing all those disloyal to the long term consensus between the Washington Republicans and Democrats who have cooperatively and convivially shared power since the 1930s.”

In related news, Democrats in New York State have introduced a “bill of attainder” that would authorize the state’s tax commissioner to hand over the confidential income tax returns of any New York resident to Congress. As Gov Andrew Cuomo explained, “we need to be able to breach the wall of privacy in order to assist Congress in its efforts to rid the country of dangerous persons like Donald Trump.”

Sanders Brandishes Progressive Credentials

Irked by rival contender for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination former Vice-President Joe Biden’s claim to be the most progressive candidate in the race, Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-Vt) advised voters to “look at our comparative actions. Claims should be backed up by deeds.”

“I have been advocating for socialism for decades,” Sanders boasted. “Meanwhile, Joe has been groping and sniffing every female he can get close to. I ask: which of these behaviors is the more progressive?”

For his part, Biden pointed out that “free love has long been an integral part of progressive doctrine. By taking the initiative to show my love for those humans within my reach I am in step with this doctrine. I am not ashamed of this and I urge voters to compare my style of progressivism with Bernie’s insistence that murderers and rapists in prison be given the right to vote.”

Sanders characterized Biden’s view as “self-serving and exploitive. My love for all of humanity, even those who stray from moral norms is more Christ-like than anything Joe has done in his entire life. Not only do I think that felons should be able to vote for who shall govern America, I have also hired one as a senior campaign adviser.” The felon hired by Sanders is Charles Rocha, was convicted for embezzling money from the United Steelworkers Union. Rocha used the money to buy to buy hockey tickets and golf trips, expenses he asserted were necessary for his “mental well-being.”

In related news, Biden asserts that the US “has a moral obligation to provide health care for everyone who needs it—including those in the country illegally. I know Republicans will claim that this is fiscally beyond ours means, but they lie. America is the richest nation in the world. Our citizens spend a lot of their money on non-necessities. They could easily get by with a lot less. What I am suggesting is that we repeal the Trump tax cuts and take people’s excess income and use it for the nobler purpose of healing the sick regardless of where they came from or how they got here.”

Kerry Defends Undermining Trump’s Iran Policy

Former Secretary of State and failed 2004 presidential candidate John Kerry brushed off President Trump’s charges that he is illegally undermining the Administration’s policy toward Iran. According to various media reports, Kerry has been secretly advising the Iranian dictatorship and its European allies to ignore Trump and stick with the deal he and former President Obama made.

Kerry asserts that he is “representing the true consensus of opinion on the proper relationship between the United States and Iran—one based on mutual trust and respect. Trump’s attitude of America first and his publicly expressed suspicion of Iran’s motives threatens the gains made during the Obama Administration.”

To bolster his case, Kerry cited Trump’s moves to curtail the funding mechanism he and Obama contrived to seal the so-called nuclear deal. “These funds are a vital part of Iran’s outreach to its allies around the world, “ Kerry said. “Without them Iran’s quest to fulfill its religious obligation to spread Islam throughout the world could be crippled. Weapons critical to Hamas’ efforts to eliminate the Jewish occupation of Palestine and end the Jewish conspiracy to make soft drinks excessively fizzy in order to make Muslims fart more during Ramadan need these funds. Trump’s attempts to try to interdict these funds aggravates global warming.”

Comey Calls Deep State Conspiracy “Totally Normal”

In a “town hall” on CNN, fired former FBI Director James Comey contended that the “operation” to surveil a presidential candidate is a “totally normal activity for the FBI to undertake. After all, intelligence gathering is an essential tool we use to defend the United States against all enemies—both foreign and domestic. Trump isn’t the only candidate who has been a focus of this sort of investigation. He is merely the first to have survived such an effort.”

Comey explained that “inserting covert agents into the Trump campaign was standard procedure. Sending our guys—Mifsud and Halper—to tell Papadopoulos that the Russians had ‘dirt’ on Clinton was crucial to establishing the predicate for later steps taken to obtain FISA permission to wiretap the campaign. Without the implication that there was a direct link between the campaign and the Russian government I doubt the court would’ve granted the access we wanted. We all knew that the link was bogus, but with national security at stake we felt the ruse was necessary.”

Despite the fact that the Special Prosecutor’s report on Trump Russia collusion found no evidence to support the accusation, Comey says he remains “optimistic that obstruction of justice charges may still take the President down. When suspects are interviewed numerous times small variations in their testimony can be construed as lying. Lying to federal law officials like the Special Counsel or agents in the FBI is illegal. So, even if there is no actual crime per se, any variations from one account to another can still be prosecuted.”

When CNN’s Anderson Cooper pointed out that Comey, himself lied to Trump when he assured him he was “not a target of the FBI investigation,” Comey advised Cooper that “the courts have long sanctioned lying by law-enforcement personnel in order to entrap suspects in the act of obstructing the investigation. It’s a stacked deck, but it is a court approved bias in the application of laws regarding perjury.”

Meanwhile, Rep. Hakeem Jeffries (D-NY) chided Trump for “unnecessarily embarrassing the hard working government officials who so patriotically strove to remove him from office. There was no need to shame FBI employees like Peter Strzok and Lisa Page for cheating on their spouses, denigrating Trump’s deplorable supporters, and misusing government equipment or employees like James Comey for leaking classified information, forgiving Hillary Clinton’s technical crimes and lying to the American people. The President’s descent into this kind of indecency is just further evidence of his unfitness for office.”

Pelosi Demands that Trump “Self-Impeach”

Weary of battling with the President, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) demands that he “self-impeach. Almost everyone in Washington agrees that he is the most despicable person to ever hold public office. Just the other day Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer expressed the same opinion. And behind closed doors, most of our Republican colleagues concur. Surely the hatred of this man has reached critical mass.”

Pelosi suggested that “impeaching himself might be the only way to avert the intelligence community from arranging his assassination. He should take a lesson from history. If the CIA could successfully eliminate as beloved a man as President Kennedy, there should be little doubt that they could similarly take out Trump.”

“Of course, a possible downside is turning Trump into a martyr and seeing Pence use that to push through legislation that we wouldn’t be able to block,” she feared. “But I’m pretty confident that our media friends won’t let that happen. After the past three years of endless vilification directed at Trump, I believe promoting a ‘sic temper tyrannis’ meme is well within our grasp. However, our hope is that our GOP friends can go to Trump and persuade him that life as a private citizen is preferable to a bullet in the head, an unfortunate accident or terrorist attack. In any case and by any means, we cannot accept a second term for Donald Trump.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Dems Demand Copy of Unredacted Mueller Report

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Despite the fact that the copy of the Special Counsel’s released to the public shows less than 10 percent was redacted and despite the fact that a completely unredacted copy is available for key members of Congress to read (an opportunity no Democrat has yet to seize), Rep. Jerrold Nadler, chairman of the House Judiciary Committee, demanded that Attorney General Barr turnover a completely unredacted copy or join him in petitioning the courts to void the law prohibiting grand jury testimony and classified information from being published.

“Speaker Pelosi has already publicly characterized Barr as immoral, unethical, corrupt and unpatriotic,” Nadler pointed out. “If Barr wants this vilification to stop he will need to accede to our demands. Just because Special Counsel Mueller declined to press charges against many of those who testified in his grand jury proceedings doesn’t mean they should get off scot-free. Everyone knows that Trump and his minions represent the dregs of humanity. Anything we can do to make this clear to the American public is vital to the survival of our democracy. Having the means to publicize selectively edited excerpts from the redacted portions of the report is essential to this effort’s success.”

Sen. Dick Durbin seconded Nadler’s remarks and added a demand that Barr “recuse himself from any further involvement connected with any investigations of the heroic government officials who have been covertly working to reverse the monumental error of electing Donald Trump president. He should follow the example set by his predecessor Jeff Sessions, who correctly stepped aside to allow the intelligence community to continue their efforts to save the country from this tyrant. There is no good reason why these patriots should have their livelihoods endangered and their reputations smeared for doing the right thing.”

Barr rejected these demands, pointing out that “my predecessor’s dereliction of duty is not an appropriate model for how an Attorney General should proceed. Whether those who spied on and conspired against candidate, and later president, Trump, thought they were doing the right thing shouldn’t shield them from the consequences of doing illegal things. We will continue to investigate, and if we find evidence that supports the prosecution of any of the individuals involved, those prosecutions will go forward.”

A most disconcerting development for the Democrats was the release of CNN poll results indicating that nearly 70% of respondents favor the investigation being carried out by the Department of Justice. Even worse, 76% of Democrats surveyed endorse this investigation. CNN talking head Chris Cuomo pronounced himself “gobsmacked by these results. This is contrary to everything I believe should have happened based on our reporting. How could our audience have gone so far off the rails?”

Meanwhile, Late Show host Steven Colbert expressed a desire to “wring the neck” of Barr, citing “the Constitution’s unalienable right of the people to abolish the government and institute a new government more to our liking” as a justification. “Trump and his henchmen are on the verge of undoing the legacy left us by President Obama,” he said. “Surely, this warrants the same sort of extreme action taken by the Founding Fathers to end the tyranny they faced in 1776.”

China’s Role in US Politics

Former presidential candidate Hillary Clinton called for Chinese hackers to “get Trump’s tax returns” and suggested that “our media would richly reward you.” She intended these remarks as a reminder of Trump’s jibe during the 2016 campaign asking if the Russians could find the 30,000 emails she deleted and advising them that they would be richly rewarded by the US media.

However, Clinton’s joke is not only stale, it runs counter to her repeated claims that Trump’s 2016 joke was “proof he colluded with Russia.” If her copycat call for Chinese intervention in the 2020 isn’t a lame attempt at humor, then by her own previous reasoning it implicates her in a scheme to illegally secure foreign meddling in the next presidential election.

Whether Clinton could credibly pass off her remarks as a joke is dubious, though. The Clinton’s have been the recipients of Chinese money in the form of contributions to Bill’s 1996 reelection campaign and donations to the Clinton Foundation.

Continuing this tradition, the current front-runner for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination, Joe Biden, also has had some questionable interactions with the Chinese government. After a 2013 visit to China to discuss trade and technology, Biden’s son Hunter’s company received a $1.5 billion equity investment from the Chinese government. Coincidentally, Biden now downplays the idea that we have anything to fear from China’s theft of technology from US companies or its hostile moves in the South China Sea.

Rival presidential contender Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vt), though, criticized Biden’s “casual dismissal of the Chinese threat. Their unfair trade practices may enrich their American friends in high places, but they are stealing jobs from American workers. From his words and his deeds it is clear that the American people shouldn’t trust Joe Biden to defend their livelihoods if he were to become president.”

O’Rourke Touts “Budget Green New Deal”

Democratic presidential candidate, former Rep. Beto O’Rourke (Tex) sought to stake out a middle ground vs. more radical opponents by offering what he dubbed “a Budget Green New Deal” with a price tag of only $5 trillion vs. the $93 trillion over ten years cost estimate of the American Action Forum.

“The key to cost-effectively achieving the desired results is to focus on the minimal public sector outlays required to simply outlaw all fossil fuels and police the enforcement of this rule,” O’Rourke explained. “Others have gone astray by trying to calculate the huge private sector costs in terms of lowered employment and lowered standards of living. In my view, these are not legitimate problems. They are features.”

“Global warming was not a threat before fossil fuels took over our economy,” he pointed out. “Consequently, the most expeditious path toward averting its catastrophic consequences is to simply reverse course. Folks were able to live meaningful lives without the polluting modern conveniences that we’ve become addicted to. Sure, walking rather than driving to work narrows the scope of employment opportunities, but it also means that buying local will be the only viable option for most people. This will help people to get to know their neighbors in a way reminiscent of bygone days.”

Beto’s proposal was assailed by rival presidential candidate Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) who pointed out that “in bygone days there was no public welfare program. Everyone was forced to support themselves or rely on the kindness of others. Today, government benefits provide for the needs of those unable or unwilling to work. The $88 trillion Beto proposes we could save under his program would deny this population’s right to sustenance.”

For his part, O’Rourke maintains that “the millions of newcomers crossing into our country from Mexico are used to working for a living. This will benefit many in unexpected ways. Many Americans who come home from a day at the office to face a plethora of household chores will be able to acquire one or more of these newcomers ready to perform these chores. New social bonds between master and servant will enrich lives currently wasted on idle entertainments like TV, video games, and joyriding. Life will be more earthy and fulfilling.”

Dem Touts Abortion “Efficiency”

The argument for late-term abortion and infanticide reached a new low in the Alabama House of Representatives this week when Rep. John Rogers (D-Birmingham) opposed legislation that would outlaw abortions except in cases where the mother’s life was imperiled by letting the pregnancy result in birth.

Rogers vociferously denounced “the foolish and futile effort to prevent expecting mothers from disposing of children they do not want. The toll on society from blocking the birth of unwanted individuals is vast. Everyone connected to these children, as well as the children themselves, are headed for immense suffering and expense. Handling the problem before it can fester into a societal scourge by terminating the fetus is both more merciful and efficient.”

Fellow Democrat Rep. Merika Coleman (Birmingham) defended Rogers’ position, saying that “until we can assure that every child has adequate health care it makes sense to winnow the herd of those most likely to suffer under the present horrific inadequacies of the system. If we can’t guarantee a child will have a happy life I see no problem from sparing them pain by euthanizing them before they are aware of what’s happening. Even if they suffer a few moments of pain during the procedure they are saved from a wasted lifetime.”

Despite Democrats’ objections, the law passed the House. It is also expected to pass the Senate. The ACLU of Alabama promises to sue. Executive Director Randall Marshall called the legislation “unconstitutional. In 1973 the US Supreme Court decided that women have an unalienable right to abort unwanted children. Since federal law is supreme, no state has the authority to infringe on this right.”

Jeb Bush Defends Sanctuary Cities

Seeking to ensure that he can never again run for office, former Florida Republican Governor Jeb Bush took issue with current Florida Republican Governor Ron DeSantis’ support of legislation aimed at penalizing cities that provide sanctuary for illegal alien criminals.

“I just don’t see sanctuary cities as a problem,” Bush asserted. “Immigrants coming to the United States is an act of love. We should all be welcoming them. It shouldn’t be left to a daring few communities to bear the sole burden of sheltering them.”

Even in the case of immigrants with a criminal history, Bush was adamant that “the fact that criminals come to the United States shows that they, too, love us. They could have continued their profession in their countries of origin, but they took the trouble and effort to come here. That ought to count in their favor.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Brennan Defends Conspiracy Against Trump

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Former CIA Director John Brennan rebutted President Trump’s characterization of the actions of a deep-state cabal to try to prevent his election and undermine his presidency as “an attempted coup.”

“Trump has it exactly backwards,” Brennan argued. “It was Trump’s exploitation of a flaw in the Constitution that allowed him to sneak into the White House despite losing the popular vote to Sec. Clinton that was the real coup. Those of us working to prevent the real coup are the real heroes in this story.”

“The ascension of a former secretary of state to the office of president has historical precedent,” Brennan observed. “The attempt to install an unproven private businessman into this important office is the outlier. When President Obama called on the intelligence community to save the nation from this threat all of us—myself, James Clapper, James Comey and a crew of dedicated patriots rose to the occasion. My only regret is that we have not yet been successful in achieving our objective.”

The former CIA Chief remains optimistic that “we can still work with Congress to oust this unqualified interloper. There is nothing to stop the Democratically controlled House from voting to impeach. And the FBI has tons of compromising material on so many members of the Senate that could still be used to persuade enough Republicans to vote to convict and remove Trump from office.”

Sens. Chuck Grassley (R-Iowa) and Homeland Security Committee chair Ron Johnson (R-Wisc) were undaunted by Brennan’s thinly veiled threat and called for an investigation of “the trail of evidence indicating widespread and improper surveillance activities of candidate and President Trump by the FBI and others within the intelligence community.”

In related news, seeking to distance himself from Brennan’s “crew of patriots,” U.S. Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein criticized Obama’s “misuse of intelligence assets for political purposes” and blasted former FBI Director Comey for “illegally leaking classified documents to the media.” He also predicted that “the wire I wore while pretending to be a co-conspirator collected information that will prove very useful in future prosecution of these criminals.”

Biden Jumps into Race for Dem Nomination

This week, former Vice-President Joe Biden announced “I am making myself available for voters to elect me the next president of the United States.” Anxious to appeal to his party’s lunatic caucus, Biden unleashed an epic gaffe fest.

First among many bloopers, Biden asserted that “Trump is the worst thing to happen to the world in my lifetime.” Well, World War II was in full swing in 1942 when Biden was born. Fifty million people died in that war. This was followed by several other wars in Korea, Vietnam, Afghanistan, Iraq in which hundreds of thousands were killed. Biden’s lifespan has also encompassed the nuclear standoff of the Cuban missile crisis, the assassination of the Kennedys, and the 9/11 terrorist attacks on New York City and Washington, DC. Surely, at least one of these events has to be worse than the rising incomes and record low unemployment inflicted on Americans by Trump’s economic policies.

Biden lurched from his “worst thing” claim to a recasting of Hillary Clinton’s dismissal of Trump voters as “deplorables” to his own characterization of them as “the dregs of society. These are people who are so selfish that they object to paying higher taxes to cover the living expenses of the flood of newcomers crossing into this country yearning to eat free. We need these people to help elect Democrats who will continue the transformation of America promised by President Obama.”

The ex-Veep went on to praise Antifa for “having the courage to fight for progressive ideals in our country. What the Republicans contend is unwarranted violence against innocent individuals is, in reality, focused force meant to instill a redistribution of wealth from those who have earned it to those who need it. Hopefully, the beatings, arson, and vandalism that have been necessitated by some people’s continued resistance to social change will abate when their acquiescence becomes the norm.”

The person most disappointed by Biden entering the competition for the 2020 presidential election is Sen. Cory Booker (D-NJ). “I was hoping that he would designate me this generation’s ‘clean, articulate, and good looking guy,’” Booker lamented. “Maybe it’s my own fault. I’ve already committed to a female running mate. So I can’t pay Joe back like Obama did. But a possible win-win scenario might be for Joe to identify as female. Having a transgender running mate would be even better for me and it might neutralize the groping, nuzzling, and sniffing concerns about Joe since it would just be girl-on-girl action.”

In related news, Sen. Mitt Romney reacted to President Trump’s complaint that “if you’d hit Obama as hard as you hit me, you might have been president” by pointing out that “Obama was a clean, articulate and good looking guy. You’re not.”

Hillary Advises Dems on Impeachment

Defeated presidential candidate Hillary Clinton urged Democrats to press ahead with impeachment hearings, reminding them that “unlike court proceedings, impeachment hearings aren’t restricted by judicial rules of evidence. There doesn’t have to be an actual crime to impeach Trump. Congress, itself, is the sole judge of whether to go forward and how to conduct the removal process.”

“In this process, members of Congress are constitutionally immune from any repercussions for any slander they may utter while in session,” Clinton continued. “They can level any accusations they want, the more lurid, the better. Congress can deny any cross examination of its witnesses by the Republicans. There is no judge to block statements as irrelevant, incompetent, and immaterial.”

“Afterwards, the media will hype the accusations emphasizing the seriousness of the charges to a gullible TV audience,” Clinton added. “The incessant drumbeat of this message day-after-day leading up to the November 2020 elections will drown out any other issue that the GOP might try to use to persuade voters to reelect Trump. Or better still, the negative energy pouring forth from the unending attacks may prompt Trump to resign like Nixon did under a similar barrage in 1974.”

Prison Inmates Have Right to Vote

Contender for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vt) vehemently insisted that “our democracy entitles every person to cast a vote. Just because a person is in jail convicted of murder or rape shouldn’t block him from having a voice in selecting who shall govern.”

“We need to be both open-minded and true to the democratic ideal no matter how disappointed we might be in the behavior of some of our fellow citizens,” Sanders maintained. “I realize that opposition to murder and rape is the majority opinion in the United States, but the minority still has a right to fight for a different perspective. Also, it is apparent to me that in some parts of the world the murder and rape of segments of the population who are deemed outside of acceptable norms has broad support among the majority of the population in some countries.”

“So, in my opinion, if we’re going to have democracy it must be open to all ideas,” the Senator opined. “If we start imposing behavioral restrictions that decree certain kinds of actions are so terrible that the individual who has carried out these actions cannot participate as a voter, then we are no longer a democracy.”

NYC Takes Steps to Undo Civilization

Fearful that today’s modern lifestyle places too much burden on the Earth’s environment, Mayor Bill deBlasio is spearheading what he terms an aggressive “advance to the past” policy. The approach is two-pronged. Key areas for reform are to include housing and diet.

On the housing front, the Mayor pledges to ban high-rise buildings. “Skyscrapers are inefficient and contribute to global warming,” he asserted. “If we look at the cost per square foot they are much more expensive than single-story buildings. So, clearly we need to go back to living closer to the ground.”

“As an initial step, we will be rezoning the bulk of the City to encourage more Earth-friendly forms of construction,” deBlasio said. “Instead of steel and concrete we will be favoring ‘daub and wattle’ or adobe brick construction. These more natural building materials don’t require blast furnaces to produce. Ordinary people can harvest the mud from the waterways surrounding much of the City and carry out the actual construction themselves.”

On the diet front, the Mayor aims to eliminate the hot dog from New Yorkers’ menus. “We all know that processed meats are unhealthy,” deBlasio pointed out. “Why should we allow people to eat them if we have the power to prevent it? A healthier and more environmentally beneficial alternative would be for the daub and wattle dwellers to catch and eat the millions of rats that infest our town. They’d be simultaneously exterminating a pest and enjoying the advantages of consuming an organically raised source of protein.”

“To help popularize this intended dietary change, the annual Nathan’s hot dog-eating contest could be replaced by a rat-eating contest,” the Mayor suggested. “In many parts of the world rodents are a part of the normal food intake. I’m sure there are many tasty ways of preparing this food.”

Critics have argued that rats consume a lot of insects and garbage. DeBlasio was undeterred by this possibility. “People could eat the insects and a lot of the so-called garbage could be recycled for human consumption, just like in Venezuela” he imagined. “We can’t allow squeamishness to divert us from undertaking actions needed to save the planet from global warming.”

NJ Guv Pushes to Disarm Law-Abiding

New Jersey Gov. Philip Murphy (D) is pushing a plan to raise the cost of legally owning a firearm in his state. Under his proposed legislation, the fee for obtaining a concealed carry permit would be boosted from its current $20 to $400. Murphy claims this will make the state a safer place.

“The idea that a citizen should be armed as a form of self-defense is seriously flawed,” Murphy said. “In the typical confrontation with an armed criminal he already has his weapon pointed at you. Any attempt to resist his demands is not likely to go well for you. You are better off being unarmed. You will avoid a shootout and he may let you live.”

“Even if you have a reasonable chance to draw your weapon, the criminal is likely more experienced than you are when it comes to shooting people,” the Governor went on. “I mean, honestly ask yourself whether you have enough confidence to go up against a more skilled gunman. On top of this there is the possibility that bystanders could be hit. Would you want to initiate a hostile response that could endanger others? Even if you’re careful about not injuring bystanders, do you think your assailant shares the same level of concern?”

“Ideally, all personal gun ownership should be outlawed,” Murphy envisioned. “Then only outlaws would have guns and the police could simply shoot them on sight. That would be the best of all possible worlds.”

In related news, presidential contender Sen. Kamala Harris (D-Calif) vows to implement gun confiscation by Executive Order if Congress fails to enact legislation toward this end within 100 days of her inauguration.

Dem Offers Alternative to Abortion

Illinois state Rep. Dianne Pappas (D-Itasca) offered what she says would be “the ultimate solution for ending abortions—castrating all men. All these pro-lifers who fret over the termination of unwanted children through abortion or euthanasia after birth could easily avert this so-called horror if they would agree with my ‘plan B.’”

“Do they have the balls to step up to the plate and take the step necessary to eliminate all future need for the abortion procedure?” Pappas wanted to know. “I suppose there’d be prattle about how we would propagate the human race if all men were castrated. But is propagating the human race really necessary?”

“You know, many ethnobiologists argue that the planet would be better off if humans went extinct,” Pappas pointed out. “If, for the sake of argument, we assume that the human race should not go extinct, I believe science has the means to reproduce humans without resorting to the primitive and risky method of sexual intercourse. Even in a worst case scenario, if we have to have men involved in the process, their sperm could be harvested before castration and stored for future use if needed.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Swalwell Defends Secret Surveillance of Trump

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Now that the lengthy and expensive Mueller investigation has failed to find any evidence of collusion between the Trump campaign and the Russians, Rep. Eric Swalwell (D-Calif) still defends the original Obama Administration decision to initiate a covert surveillance of the Trump campaign.

“I know a lot of people think it was wrong for a sitting president to use federal government resources to spy on an opposing political party,” Swalwell acknowledged. “But President Obama swore an oath to protect this country from all enemies—both foreign and domestic. Since Trump is an outsider who has not come up through the ranks of American politics the traditional vetting that assures a candidate fits within the parameters of acceptable ideology did not occur. Under such circumstances, mobilizing the considerable resources available to our intelligence community to spy on Trump was the only reasonable choice.”

The Congressman brushed off concerns that using these resources against a political opponent during a campaign unfairly interferes in the electoral contest, saying “sure there are some risks, but these are unavoidable given the importance of ensuring that our system isn’t unnecessarily disrupted. At worst, it could have tilted the election in favor of the Democratic candidate. However, that candidate was described as ‘the most qualified person ever to seek the presidency’ by President Obama. Under those circumstances, I think the actions taken to spy on Trump were well worth it.”

In related news, the Swalwell 2020 campaign for the presidency unveiled a new interpretation of the 2nd Amendment that would incarcerate individuals who won’t surrender their guns. “The Constitution says the right to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed, but it doesn’t say we can’t require that this right be exercised only within secure areas,” Swalwell argued. “If you want to tote a gun do it behind bars. This way we can keep the streets safe while simultaneously giving the violence-prone among us the opportunity to confine their murderous proclivities to others of the same ilk.”

Dems Ponder Next Steps in Effort to Oust Trump

The absence of a “smoking gun” in the just completed Mueller investigation has Democrats pondering their next move in their efforts to remove Trump from office. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (Calif) has called a strategy meeting for early next week “to consider where we go from here.”

“Many in our caucus are not deterred by the lack of evidence that Trump broke any laws,” Pelosi said. “The lack of evidence suggests that Trump was successful in obstructing the investigation. Think about it. Polls show that the majority of Democrats think he is guilty. This is our constituency. Should we not represent their views as we go forward?”

“Then too, given all the pressure put on Trump by the media and the intelligence community, his refusal to confess strikes many as highly suspicious,” the Speaker added. “A normal president would have yielded to tidal wave of negative opinion and stepped aside for the good of the country, like Nixon did. That Trump has not yet done this testifies to his abnormality. This, by itself, would seem sufficient grounds for removing him under the provisions of the 25th Amendment, as Deputy Attorney Rod Rosenstein contemplated in early 2017.”

Rep. Rashida Tlaib (Mich) has already drafted a resolution calling for impeachment. “The hundreds of times that Trump has called the Mueller investigation a ‘witch hunt’ and his repeated assertions of innocence demonstrate his guilt,” she claims. “Honest people admit their guilt when called upon to do so by the nation’s police force. Only criminals deny responsibility for heinous acts against the state.”

Nadler Rejects Opportunity to View Full Mueller Report

House Judiciary Chairman Jerrold Nadler (D-NY) rejected Attorney General William Barr’s offer to view an unredacted copy of the Mueller report, complaining that “we need complete unfettered access in order to properly handle the content of this document.”

“Barr’s invitation to allow me and other key Democrats to read, but not carry away our own copy obstructs our efforts to secure justice for America on this matter,” Nadler objected. “The idea that we should be content to read the document while under the scrutiny of armed guards is insulting. It’s as if he’s afraid we’ll stuff pages into our pants if we’re granted the privilege of privately viewing the report.”

The possibility that Democrats might not be trustworthy when handling confidential information has been born out by the illegal selective leaking of classified information by former FBI Director James Comey over the last two years. There is also the incident where former Clinton adviser Sandy Berger actually did abscond with classified documents stuffed inside his clothes back in 2003 when he was allowed to read them unsupervised in a National Archives secure room.

Apprised of the Berger incident, Nadler reminded that “Berger was only fined $50,000 and sentenced to 100 hours of community service as punishment. If stealing classified documents were such a serious offense he wouldn’t have been treated so leniently. More recently, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was excused by Obama FBI Director James Comey for mishandling classified data and destroying subpoenaed evidence. All we are seeking is a comparable degree of latitude—the kind that persons in our high positions within the government are entitled to receive.”

Cultural Evolution Around America

In Chicago, a mob of hundreds of black inhabitants rampaged through the city’s Magnificent Mile high-end shopping district looting stores, vandalizing buildings, assaulting white people, defying police, stopping traffic, threatening tourists and creating chaos. A participant explained “we’re just taking a first down payment on the reparations owed us. White men enslaved, whipped, and murdered black men. What we’re doing here is peanuts in comparison.” Former head of the local teachers’ union Karen Lewis echoed these remarks, saying “blacks are taking back what the whites stole from them.”

In California, the Brea Olinda Unified School District is now teaching ninth-grade students about pedophilia and pederasty. Assistant Superintendent of Curricula Kerrie Torres insists “it is important that our students be exposed to all the sexual orientation options. They should know that there is more to sex than just boy-meets-girl. There is also man-meets-child. This way students can each make an informed choice on how they wish to express their own sexuality.”

In North Carolina, Gov. Roy Cooper (D) vetoed a “born alive” bill that would have required doctors to provide life-saving aid to babies who survive an attempted abortion. As Cooper sees it, “an abortion is only undertaken for the purpose of ensuring the baby’s death. A botched procedure doesn’t alter the fact that the mother wants her child to die. If a man sentenced to hang survives because the rope breaks we don’t set him free. We hang him again. Likewise, if through some fluke a baby survives being torn limb-from-limb in the womb this shouldn’t impede the job being finished outside the womb. This bill unconstitutionally infringes upon a woman’s unalienable right to permanently dispose of her unwanted offspring.”

Stalin Rises in Polls

A recent poll showing that 70 percent of Russians approve of former dictator Josef Stalin’s role in history was warmly greeted by Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) as “proof that socialism is the type of government that the people want. If he were the kind of brutal tyrant that the enemies of socialism claim he was why do the people love him so much?”

“A majority of Russians now believe that the millions of people he had tortured and killed was justified,” the Congresswoman also pointed out. “He was trying to save his nation from individualistic greed and transform it into a collectivist society where the good of the whole was placed above all other values. That is precisely what I’m trying to do with my Green New Deal. That ‘life, liberty and pursuit of happiness’ crap may have been suitable for the white-privilege dandies who wrote the Constitution, but it is not the vision the young people of today want for their future.”

“If we thoughtfully reexamine Stalin’s policies we can see the positive impacts they had on global warming,” Ocasio-Cortez contended. “The famine he skillfully engineered in the Ukraine decreased the greenhouse gas emissions from millions of people and livestock. The spartan living conditions that naturally flowed from his abolition of capitalistic exploitation helped Russians to learn to get by with less—less food, less housing, and less freedom. These are the kind of changes the whole world must strive for if we want to save the planet.”

Fellow socialist Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vt) took the occasion of the release of the polling results to remind everyone that “I spent my honeymoon in the Soviet Union before its lurch toward capitalism after the collapse of the dictatorship. I was socialist before it was cool. Now that it is becoming cool among our millenials I hope my early adoption of collectivist ideals will inspire them to vote for me to be America’s next president.”

New Orleans Mayor LaToya Cantrell (D) professed herself “unsurprised by these poll results. I recently toured Cuba and saw for myself how the formerly hedonistic island was reshaped into a hard-core socialist paradise. Before the revolution Cuba was a typical capitalistic playground for the rich. Now it is a boot camp for the socialist minions of tomorrow. The government health care system and the widespread reliance on manual labor has made the population remarkably fit—enabling thousands of Cubans to paddle all the way to Florida on make-shift rafts and flimsy boats. This is something that fat and lazy Americans could never replicate. I became convinced that we need socialism in America now more than ever. Though there may be a lot of grousing along the way, the rise of Stalin’s polling numbers shows that in the long run voters will be happier if they trade their freedom for the stimulating rigors and comradship of a collectivist society.”

Democratic presidential candidate Mayor Pete Buttigieg of South Bend Indiana took the rising opinion on Stalin as a cue “to take a careful look at the work camps he established as a possible model for national public service for all young adults. I believe it would instill a great sense of unity among Americans in a fashion similar to the unity Stalin achieved among his people as he fought to survive the capitalist aggressors surrounding his country. If every young person had to toil for a period of time without pay for the good of the nation we would build a stronger sense of belonging to the community than our current policy of leaving them to chart their own destinies in our cruel and insensitive free market.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Proposal to Ship Illegals to Sanctuary Cities Assailed

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

A Trump Administration proposal to send illegal immigrants to sanctuary cities spurred cries of dismay from Democrats. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (Calif) called the idea “cruel and inhumane. Sanctuary cities are already struggling with the difficulties and expense of dealing with the newcomers who have come on their own. Living conditions are degraded, as anyone who has visited San Francisco recently may have discovered. It isn’t fair for the federal government to send us more of these people.”

On the other hand, President Trump argues that “my proposal would more expeditiously get the illegal immigrants to places that vow to protect them from deportation. I would have thought that this idea should be received more positively by the Democrats who oppose taking any actions to reduce the flow of illegal immigration into our country.”

“The whole point of open borders is to bring in the voters who will help transform America into the kind of nation former President Obama envisioned,” Pelosi argued. “For this to be most effective, the immigrants need to be sent to states and congressional districts currently voting for Republicans. That’s the way President Obama handled the catch-and-release program. Trump has no right to change that policy.”

The Speaker expressed confidence that “the courts will block this latest attempt to overthrow the policies of President Obama. On so many policy issues the courts have been ruling that it is illegal for Trump to reverse the policies implemented by the previous administration. The courts have correctly placed the pursuit of good policy ahead of ritualistic adherence to the letter of the law.”

In related news, Pelosi denounced former Obama Administration Secretary of Homeland Security Jeh Johnson for agreeing with Trump’s assessment that there is a crisis on the border. “Where is this man’s sense of honor and loyalty?” she asked. “President Obama made him a member of his cabinet. Now he is stabbing his benefactor in the back by siding with the enemy of everything that is good and pure in this country.”

Clinton Relishes Assange Arrest

Wikileaks founder Julian Assange was arrested by UK police and is expected to be turned over to US authorities in the near future. Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton professed herself “pleased that this international villain will finally get what he deserves for saddling the world with Donald Trump as the US president. His role in invading my privacy and publishing emails that I went to great efforts to conceal sabotaged my assured election as the 45th president of the United States.”

Clinton predicted that Assange’s claim that “the ruled have a right to know what their governments are doing will be struck down in court. Governments act in secret for a good reason. Questioning those reasons—even to the point of inquiring what those reasons are—imperils the odds of success. The safety and security of the masses depends upon the freedom of the government to covertly neutralize threats. People like Assange and Snowden are a clear and present danger that must be interdicted by any means possible. That’s why I urged President Obama to take Assange out with a drone strike on the Ecuadoran Embassy in London.”

In related news, Judicial Watch released 422 pages of FBI emails it received via a Freedom of Information Act request. These emails included discussion of an FBI-run cover-up of Clinton’s illegal handling of classified information. The emails included phrases like “it’s all part of the Hillary cover-up operation,” “Hillary cover up operation work ticket,” and “we’re in deep shit.”

“Spying” Comment Sparks Outrage

During his recent testimony at the Senate Appropriations Committee Attorney General William Barr acknowledged that federal government “spying did occur” on the Trump campaign, that “government spying on political opponents is a big deal,” and “I need to explore that.” Democrats were outraged.

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) called Barr’s statement “a conspiracy theory” and demanded that he “retract his statement immediately. This is so far wide of the narrative that everyone in the Democratic Party and the media has accepted for the last three years that it cannot be allowed to stand unchallenged.”

Fantasy Vietnam vet, Sen. Richard Blumenthal (D-Conn) called Barr’s statement “unfounded and irresponsible” and demanded it be retracted. “Saying something that everyone knows is false manifests a mental illness that should disqualify Barr from serving in any capacity. Honesty is an essential requirement for public officials.”

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) echoed Blumenthal’s take and averred that “Barr has gone off the rails. First of all, covert surveillance of innocent Americans is not spying. Second, this surveillance was authorized by the FISA Court. It is only unauthorized surveillance by private parties that constitutes spying. As long as it is the government that’s doing it it’s perfectly legal.”

Former FBI Director James Comey claims to be “mystified by Barr’s choice of words. Those of us in the intelligence community never refer to what we do as ‘spying.’ We use terms like ‘investigation’ or ‘counter-intelligence operation.’ These less pejorative words convey a more respectable public image. I am not surprised that an outsider like Trump would be ignorant enough to use the word ‘spying,’ but we all thought that a man with the kind of pedigree that Barr has would have know better.”

Meanwhile, the Oxford Dictionary defines “spying on” as “to observe furtively” or “keep under surveillance.” Either of these pretty much describes what the FBI did during the Trump campaign and during the Trump Administration. The FBI also deployed covert agents to try to infiltrate the Trump camp and plant false evidence. So it’s easy to see how the former FBI Director might be confused about Barr’s statement.

Sanders Explains “Medicare for All” Plan

Democratic presidential contender Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-Vt) hopes his “Medicare for All” plan will win him votes. Currently, Medicare covers only those age 65 and older. Many like it because its strict price controls keep their out-of-pocket costs low. Health care providers make up the losses incurred serving Medicare beneficiaries by charging other patients more. If all are covered by Medicare this offset would no longer be available.

Sanders explained that his plan explicitly outlaws private health insurance “because no one should have the option of seeking more or less coverage than the government decides they need. The notion that individuals should be free to choose what they want to purchase elevates crass individualism above collective solidarity. Experts in health care working for the government have the data and the incentive to choose what’s best for the collective whole. We cannot allow any individual to selfishly opt out.”

In contrast to Canada’s socialized health care, Sanders’ version would seek to interdict travel outside the country for medical care. “True socialized medicine requires that all must receive the care the government has allocated for them,” the Senator emphasized. “If individuals are permitted to purchase health care in other countries those rich enough to afford it will get better care than those too poor to have this option. That’s why my plan mandates that anyone seeking to travel outside our borders will have to first get a government permission slip and attest that the trip is not for the purpose of receiving medical care.”

“If it turns out later that the traveler lied and did, in fact, get medical treatment abroad he or she will be punished on his or her return for false statements on the application for permission to travel,” Sanders said. “So, you see, my plan closes the loopholes that so many other socialized medicine plans have left open.”

The only people that would be exempt from Sanders’ mandatory Medicare for All “would be persons of such overriding importance that the fate of the nation would be endangered should they fall ill,” Sanders allowed. “This would naturally include high-ranking members of the government like the president and vice-president, cabinet officials, and members of congress. These irreplaceable leaders must be saved if at all possible no matter what the cost in terms of dollars.”

Dems’ Bill Pushes Transgender Rights

An amendment (HR 5, the Equality Act) to the Civil Rights Act of 1964 sponsored by 234 Democrats and two Republicans in the House of Representatives would compel schools to allow boys who claim to be girls to participate in girls’ gym classes, play on girls’ interscholastic athletic teams, and use the same locker rooms and showers. Religious schools would not be exempted from this new regulation. It would also require that biologically male criminals who claim to be women to be sent to women’s prisons.

Rep. David Cicilline (D-RI) hailed the legislation as “the logical next step in our quest to make our laws match the social evolution taking place in society. It is up to each individual to determine his or her own identity. Our bill protects their freedom to make this determination and bars anyone from attempting to impede the exercise of this emerging civil right.”

A merely repugnant aspect of this social evolution is the increasing incidence of biological males easily beating biological females in scholastic sports. A more dangerous aspect arises when men are sent to women’s prisons. Women’s Liberation Front spokeswoman Julia Beck warned that “male rapists will go to women’s prisons.”

Cicilline brushed off this concern saying that “many men are raped by men in men’s prisons. Our bill will help level the playing field and spread the pain over a wider array of the prison population and, I think achieve a greater degree of equality among the incarcerated segment of our nation’s population.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Islamic Activist Defends Attacks on Jews

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Women’s March leader Linda Sarsour rallied to the defense of Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-Minn), who has been criticized for mouthing stereotypical tropes about the evil influence of Jewish money in politics.

“Unlike the Nazi’s whose anti-Jewish policies were based on racism, Rep. Omar’s views are firmly founded on Islam’s holy book—the Quran,” Sarsour said. “Long before the deranged Hitler voiced his confused objections to the historic depredations wreaked by Jews, the Prophet Muhammad—peace be upon him—warned the world about them.”

“The charge that Rep. Omar is anti-Semitic is absurd,” Sarsour went on. “Semites are an ethnic group that includes both Arabs and Jews. The Prophet’s warnings were concerned with Jews who opposed the spread of Allah’s one true religion. These are the Jews who are to be fought and killed. Jews who submit, pay the jizya and accept their dhimmi status are to be spared.”

“So, as we can see once we examine the facts, Rep. Omar is not the raving anti-Semite that Jewish apologists would have us believe,” Sarsour observed. “She is quite sensibly following the advice of the Prophet to distinguish between the benign Jews who seek Islam’s protection and the evil Jews who resist the word of Allah. It is these latter Jews who Rep. Omar quite wisely urged must be stripped of their power to impede the success of Islam in its quest for world dominion.”

Dem 2020 Hopefuls Tangle

South Bend, Indiana Mayor Pete Buttigieg issued an abject apology for saying “all lives matter” back in 2015. “I was young and naive then,” the Mayor said. “I have since learned that the correct position is that only black lives matter. As a counterpoint, I want to remind voters that I am the only openly gay man in the race for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination. So, I, too, am a member of a protected class that has a long history of oppression in this country. I ask that voters take this into consideration when they evaluate which Democrat should be the next president of the United States.”

Wayne Messam, mayor of Miramar, Fla. and fellow contender for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination took issue with what he called “my opponent’s efforts to escape blame for his insensitivity. We black people suffered hundreds of years of slavery and second-class citizenship. Mayor Pete and other gay individuals easily avoided similar oppression by keeping their sexual orientation secret. They’ve only come out into the open now that sexual deviancy is widely accepted and encouraged.”

Perhaps feeling pressed by Mayor Pete’s $7 million campaign chest, former Texas Rep. Beto O’Rourke quickly announced that “I will sign legislation authorizing a committee to study racial reparations for descendants of slaves.”

O’Rourke’s pledge was lampooned as “wimpy” by rival contender Sen. Kamala Harris (Calif). “I will order reparations by executive decree,” she vowed. “We don’t want the kind of delays that could arise from a commission study or congressional inaction. And we don’t need the complication of johnny-come-lately pseudo victims like Buttigieg or Warren.”

For her part, Sen. Elizabeth Warren (Mass) blasted what she termed “inadequate half-measures for repairing the historic wrongs perpetrated by the white man. When I become president all of the land within the United States will be ceded back to its original Native American inhabitants. All other races will either pay rent or be deported back to their ancestors’ country of origin in either Europe or Africa.”

In related news, 2024 Democratic presidential hopeful Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (NY) admitted that she was “pleasantly surprised by Sen. Warren’s proposal, but it doesn’t go far enough. Sending all the human inhabitants of the western hemisphere back would be the biggest thing we could do to avert the destruction of the planet due to global warning. Humans didn’t originate here. Allowing the non-human biosphere to return to its natural state before it was polluted by humans would be a world-saving event.”

Unemployment Low “Concerning,” Says Pelosi

This past week, filings for unemployment benefits fell to a level not seen since December of 1969. While most reasonable individuals would consider this an encouraging development, House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) begged to differ.

“Unemployment benefits have always been a key weapon against economic recession,” she contended. “Putting money in the hands of those who have lost their jobs is the best stimulant for the economy in times of trouble. In this respect, I find the decline in filings to be extremely frightening.”

“The euphoria now being experienced by Trump and the Republicans overlooks the danger of relying on full employment to drive the economy forward,” Pelosi warned. “This approach requires the continued production of useful goods and services to sustain household incomes. In contrast, government subsidies like unemployment benefits do not require the production of anything of value. These payments can be made while plants remain idle—allowing a win-win scenario of increased leisure and sustained household income.”

White House economic adviser Larry Kudlow dismissed Pelosi’s “addled economic thinking. The wealth of nations consists of the real goods and services produced by the cooperative efforts of capital and labor. Unemployment benefits contribute nothing to this process. At best they can serve as a temporary mitigation for a limited number of out-of-work individuals. Even then, payment of these benefits is only possible if the necessary real wealth is created by actual production.”

States Assail Trump Admin’s “Edible Lunch” Policy

Six states and the District of Columbia are suing the Trump Administration for its reversal of the Obama-era rules on school lunches. New York Attorney General Letitia James mocked “the scientifically unsound argument that the rules imposed by the prior administration were a failure because so much of the food ended up tossed out by the students.”

“Whether the students eat the food is not the government’s responsibility,” James asserted. “This is still a free country. We can lead each student to a nutritionally balanced meal, but we can’t make him eat it. Even if the food is rejected and thrown away it’s a better outcome than giving in to student preferences. For one, the biggest problem for today’s youth is obesity. If the unpalatable food isn’t eaten we are stilling striking a blow against obesity.”

A second aspect cited in the lawsuit was “the contrasting roll-models represented by First Lady Michelle Obama and President Trump. The nutritionally sound guidelines developed by the First Lady should be compared with the unhealthy eating habits demonstrated by President Trump. His love of fast food and the fast food feast he offered to the college football champions are the path to future health problems.”

Secretary of Agriculture Sonny Perdue defended the Administration’s looser guidelines, saying that “the sort of top-down, one-size-fits-all approach imposed by the Obama Administration is not the American way. The impact of trying to force feed students and watching them reject this kind of regimentation is too negative. Local school authorities can make better judgments than ivory tower bureaucrats. Consider that one of the key objections in this lawsuit is that some local schools have been allowing students to choose 2% chocolate milk instead of the Obama Administration dictate that chocolate would only be allowed for fat-free milk. They are making a mountain out of a molehill.”

Chicago Demands $130,000 from Smollett

In the wake of State Attorney Kim Foxx’s decision to drop all charges against Jussie Smollett and expunge his record, Chicago city officials have threatened to file a civil lawsuit demanding that he reimburse the city for the $130,000 in expenses incurred investigating his hate crime hoax. Smollett’s attorney Mark Geragos called the demand for money “extortion.”

“Since the charges have been dismissed and the record expunged it’s as if the alleged hoax never happened,” Geragos said. “Under the law, Jussie is now as innocent as a baby. The City’s demand that he pay them is extortion and defamation of his character. If anyone needs to make restitution it is the City. The police’s failure to protect Jussie from the thugs who attacked him was a dereliction of duty. They should be paying him for the mental suffering he has had to endure on the inadequately patrolled and unsafe streets of the high-crime community that the police have allowed to run rampant.”

Geragos also hinted that “the City may have a lot more to fear from pursuing this extortion plot than my client does. I advise them to rethink whether they want to testify under oath regarding the performance of the police department. It is they who diverted resources away from efforts to deter and investigate the multiple murders that occurred while they were wasting time harassing an innocent man. Are they sure they want increased scrutiny focused on such a foolish and possibly corrupt decision?”

“Mr. Smollett is not some inconsequential average Joe,” Geragos reminded. “He is a celebrity and has powerful friends who have already intervened on his behalf and won’t hesitate to come to his aid should the City forego its opportunity to back off before anyone gets hurt.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

 

Smollett Exonerated by State Attorney

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Hoaxer Jussie Smollett announced his exoneration after Kim Foxx, state attorney for Cook County, Illinois dismissed all charges against him. “The racist persecution of me by the Chicago Police Department has been debunked by higher authorities,” Smollett bragged. “This proves I told the truth.” He further went on to demand prosecution of “the Nigerian thugs who doused me with bleach and threatened to hang me.”

The Illinois Prosecutors Bar Association questioned Foxx’s “highly abnormal decision. Her phony recusal followed by a unilateral decree of exoneration without notice to the law enforcement entities who filed the charges violated the law. The claim that her action falls within the scope of a prosecutor’s discretion is dubious. The norm for declining to prosecute a case with such overwhelming evidence of guilt includes a defendant’s admission of responsibility. But as we have seen, Mr. Smollett continues to promulgate the same untruthful assertions that led to the hoax charges leveled against him.”

Foxx rebutted the Bar Association’s criticism by citing former FBI Director James Comey’s exoneration of Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton in July of 2016. “After listing a number of valid reasons why Sec. Clinton ought to have faced charges, Director Comey dismissed them,” Foxx pointed out. “Clinton was not required to admit guilt as a condition for Comey’s grant of amnesty. If a member of this country’s ruling class doesn’t have to follow the law it would be unfair to hold Mr. Smollett to these standards. As a gay black man he is a member of two protected classes.”

“I want to also express my appreciation to my good friend Tina Tchen for apprising me of the new precedent established by Director Comey’s action,” Foxx added. “There must be a level playing field if true justice is to be achieved. Mr. Smollett’s heritage of suffering in our racist and homophobic society is sufficient punishment for his ill-conceived efforts to highlight the toxic influence of Donald Trump.”

Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel seconded Foxx’s rationale. “Initially, I was shocked that her action was taken without informing either the Chicago Police Department or my office,” the Mayor said. “However, upon reflection I came to the understanding that if anyone is to blame it is President Trump. Trump’s unrelenting efforts to entice blacks off of welfare and into the workforce have stoked the kind of feelings of despair that inspire people like Mr. Smollett to concoct a narrative to try to counter this culture shock. In the grand scheme of things Smollett’s hoax was not out of step with the much bigger Russian collusion hoax that is still underway at the highest level of government, politics, and media. The small fish shouldn’t be treated more harshly than those big fish.”

In related news, Smollett has been nominated for an NAACP Image Award “for his creative reenactment of a vision of oppression that never happened to him, but might have in an alternate universe. This ‘street drama’ touched many hearts and minds and was so powerful that he was absolved of culpability for 16 felonies. Few other black individuals have accomplished so much at so little cost to themselves.”

Mexico Demands Apology for Spanish Conquest

President Andres Manuel Lopez Obrador demanded that the nation of Spain and the Catholic Church apologize for their invasion and conquest of the Aztec Empire 500 years ago. “They brought alien ideas, diseases, and brute force from Europe and destroyed a vibrant indigenous culture.”

The Spanish government refused to apologize. King Felipe VI, challenged the Mexican President’s characterization of “these ancient events as one-sided ‘massacres and oppression.’ The Aztec Empire held power by massacring and oppressing subjugated indigenous people. These victims were tortured and coerced into becoming human sacrifices to their oppressors’ bloodthirsty gods. While the invading Spaniards were no angels, the Aztecs were worse. That’s why so many of the other peoples in Mexico sided with the invaders.

The Mexican President was outraged by Spain’s response. “The assertion that white Christian values were superior to those of the indigenous rulers is the height of arrogance,” Lopez contended. “As we are observing, the idea of human sacrifice is now being championed by the Democratic Party in the culturally advanced United States. That this concept was suppressed for 500 years must bear a significant share of the blame for the current worldwide climate change crisis.”

Court Rules Against Health Care Choice

U.S. District Judge John Bates ruled against a Trump Administration policy that permits small businesses to join health care associations in order to gain some of the same economies of scale available to larger corporations.

“The premise of this policy that these businesses ought to be able to decide what kind of coverage they want to purchase violates the Obamacare requirement that all must purchase the coverage dictated by the federal government,” Bates said. “Complaints that the mandated coverage is unnecessary and too expensive are irrelevant. It is not for private sector firms or individuals to decide what they want to buy. The Affordable Care Act (ACA) reserves this decision to the government.”

New York Attorney General Letitia James, one of the litigants suing to have these associations outlawed, praised the court’s ruling. “The Trump Administration’s attempt to place individual freedom ahead of the collective responsibility to follow the rules laid down for them by the ACA is intolerable,” she argued. “Letting individuals make decisions on their own health care invites the kind of anarchy we observe throughout the economy in decisions about what to eat, wear, how to spend time, where to live, and where to travel. If we are to avoid the devastation of such anarchy we must ensure that government determines these decisions.”

Russian Hoax Conspirators Blame Others

Former Director of National Intelligence James Clapper unveiled a “just following orders” defense for anticipated charges of engaging in a high-level conspiracy to derail Trump’s election and undermine his presidency.

“I and the others in the intelligence community who worked so hard to achieve these results were acting out of patriotism and loyalty to President Obama,” Clapper claimed. “While everyone involved agreed that Donald Trump was unfit to be president none of us would have gone forward with these efforts without clearance from President Obama. He was our commander-in-chief.”

“We are not traitors,” Clapper insisted. “President Obama was kept fully informed throughout the whole process, both before the 2016 election and after. It was a sanctioned, not a rogue, operation.”

Co-conspirator former CIA Director John Brennan took a different tack, alleging that “I was given bad information. It looks like the insiders I trusted repeatedly lied to me. I pooh-poohed Trump’s suggestion that Putin was more trustworthy than US intelligence agents, but given the revelation that most of what they leaked to me was false I now realize he may have been correct.”

Co-conspirator former FBI Director James Comey blamed Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller “for not carrying through the agreed upon plan. We engineered his appointment in the expectation that he could be counted on the finish the job. For a couple of years that looked to be going well, but at the last minute he lost his nerve and used a ‘lack of evidence’ excuse to sabotage the entire scheme. Thankfully, the media and the Democratic Party have not been scared off. I am optimistic that their continued efforts over the next 20 months will result in the ouster of Trump by the voters in November 2020.”

Pelosi Calls Trump Threat to Close Border “Vote Suppression”

President Trump’s threat to close the border with Mexico to stem the tide of illegal immigration was slammed by House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) as “vote suppression, pure and simple.” She cited a study “Immigration Status, Immigrant Family Ties, and Support for the Democratic Party,” by researcher George Hawley in support of her contention.

“This study shows that immigrants overwhelmingly vote for Democrats,” Pelosi pointed out. “Trump’s efforts to block the arrival of new voters from Latin America is, therefore, discriminatory and unconstitutional.”

Hawley’s report projected that “unconstrained immigration—legal or illegal—will within a short period of time lead to a new Democratic political dominance across the nation. The type of one-Party domination that we see in cities like Chicago and New York and states like California and Massachusetts will become commonplace. The Republican Party will sink to ‘super-minority’ status with an inability to effectively oppose anything that the Democratic Party wishes to do.”

Meanwhile, the border wall in Hungary has reduced illegal immigration into that country by 99%–suggesting that Pelosi’s objections that Trump’s wall would be ineffective are disingenuous.

Dem Leader Pleads for Understanding

Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) pleaded with the American Israel Public Affairs Committee to overlook anti-Semitic statements and the boycott of the organization’s annual conference by leading contenders for his Party’s presidential nomination and “stick with what has worked in the past.”

“The progressive values that the Democratic Party has championed cannot be implemented in policy if we don’t win elections,” Schumer pointed out. “Winning elections requires compromises to keep our coalition intact. Since anti-Semitism is growing in popularity around the world—largely in response to the dynamic expansion of Islamic values and views—it is imperative that the growing cohort of Muslims in this country know that the Democratic Party respects their religious beliefs so we can be sure of their votes.”

“Jews have been reliable Democrats for generations,” Schumer observed. “Our Party couldn’t have been as successful without them. Now that we are on the cusp of the social transformation to collectivism that President Obama promised, it would be tragic if thin-skinned objections to some of the raw language and rude behavior used by other members of our coalition were to diminish traditional the Jewish support for the Democratic Party.”

In related news, former Sen. Jeff Flake (R-Az) urged Republican voters to vote Democrat in the 2020 election, saying “it is better to let the lunatic left win than reelect the loathsome Donald Trump. The Democrats will try to regiment society with regulations, impoverish the economy with higher taxes, and import tens of millions of reliable Democrat voters from south of the border, but Trump will continue to offend delicate sensibilities with his brash rhetoric and boorish behavior.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Dems Want $100 Million to Deal With Street Defecation

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Reps. Barbara Lee (D-Calif) and Rosa DeLauro (D-Conn) are proposing a federal grant program that would provide $100 million per year to cities to fund diapers.

“As we have seen, many of our urban centers are struggling to deal with people defecating in the streets,” Rep. Lee said. “On the one hand, the accumulating piles of excrement pose a health hazard. On the other hand, cities want to respect people’s right to pursue happiness in their own way. Our proposed legislation bridges this gap by providing the funds to pay for the distribution of adult diapers in these feces bestrewn cities.”

Whether the targeted population can be persuaded to avail themselves of the free diapers was not explicitly addressed by Lee, however, she did express optimism that “their sense of human decency combined with the absence of any out-of-pocket expense for the needed supplies would prove adequate to make a significant dent in the problem.”

Democrat 2020 presidential contender former Texas Rep. Beto O’Rourke quickly endorsed the proposed measure and pointed out that “full diapers would offer some ripe opportunities for pranking friends and loved ones.”

French Troops Cleared to Fire on Protesters

Pushed to the limits of his tolerance by 19 straight weeks of street protests against high taxes and low wages, French President Emmanuel Macron has given permission for government troops to used deadly force “to quell this annoying resistance to modern life. The teargas, baton charges, and water cannons we have been using have proven insufficient. It’s time we raise the stakes for those who seek to discredit the government’s right to rule them as we sit fit.”

The one limit that Macron has imposed is “to refrain from shooting any of our Muslim residents lest we escalate the violence against a population that will not restrain itself from deadly retaliation. So far, the Muslims have been putting their energy into desecrating synagogues and churches or targeting a few Jews or Christians for assault, rape and murder. They have not been part of the ‘yellow vest’ mobs. Let’s keep it that way.”

Sweden wants to Import More Muslims

The Swedish Migration Board has decided to grant asylum to 11 million Chinese Islamic Uyghurs. Carl Bexelius, Deputy Legal Chief at the Migration Board, justified the decision by pointing out that “fertility rates in Sweden have fallen below replacement levels. Ethnic Swedes are refusing to bear children. Rather than let our country become vacant it is better to let it be filled with the more fecund Muslims. If all 11 million manage to come here our population would double in a very short period of time.”

Public Employment Service Director General Mikael Sjöberg argued that “our ability to provide social benefits for our aging population depends upon a growing base of workers who will pay the taxes needed to sustain these benefits. We are hoping that the influx of young Muslim immigrants will fulfill this objective.”

Unfortunately, recent experience with immigrants from Islamic regions of the world to Sweden are not encouraging. The Muslim immigrants living in Sweden have an unemployment rate of nearly 20%. This is five times higher than that of ethnic Swedes. Sweden has also has been transformed from a low crime nation to a high crime nation since it began wholesale importation of Muslims into the country. For example, the frequency of sex crimes committed against women has tripled since 2011. These trends do not support the hoped for outcomes articulated by Swedish government officials.

Comey Hopes Trump Won’t Be Impeached

In a New York Times op ed, James Comey, former FBI Director and key instigator of the deep-state conspiracy against Trump, says he hopes the President doesn’t get impeached. “The chance that an impeachment will lead to a conviction in the US Senate is not good,” he estimated. “The failure of such a gambit will be seen as a vindication of Trump and likely aid his reelection.”

“I think a better strategy would be to have another go at undermining him from within the government,” Comey suggested. “The assets are in place to carry this out and I believe we have learned enough from the mistakes we made in the 2016 effort to greatly boost the probability of success if we give it another try.”

According to Comey, a crucial error in the 2016 conspiracy to block Trump’s election “was our perception that we needed to feign impartiality. This led to my mistaken ‘reopening’ of the Clinton email case in October. With the polls all showing Clinton would win in a landslide, we felt it important to simulate an even-handedness in order to preserve the FBI’s credibility. But the last two years of non-stop vilification of Trump by a biased media has demonstrated that credibility for an image of fairness is not necessary. A constant repetition of concocted falsities is enough to convince a vast majority of voters.”

“We’ve also learned that stories alleging ‘pussy grabbing,’ ‘urinating prostitutes,’ and extramarital liaisons with assorted women are not powerful enough to turn voters away from Trump,” Comey added. “We’re going to have to allege real crimes—like a liaison that ended up with a woman drowning or the sexual exploitation of children at a Caribbean resort—if we are to take this man down in 2020.”

Democrat Presidential Hopefuls Proffer Reasons to Vote for Them

The growing roster of Democrats vying for the Party’s 2020 presidential nomination has led to a desperate search for winning issues. Among the ideas being market tested are Andrew Yang’s proposal to establish a “Legion of Builders and Destroyers” who will don capes and masks and embark on a quest to restore the foreskins of males who have been circumcised. “The mutilation has gone on for far too long,” he says.

Former Texas Rep. Beto O’Rourke has cited his balanced experience of being both a lawbreaker and a lawmaker as “a more well-rounded resume than anyone else in the race. Being arrested for burglary and DUI has given me insight that my rivals can’t match. I am primed to pioneer a new era of amnesty that will eliminate the scourge of incarceration for all except the worst offenders, most of whom are either Republicans or Trump associates, or both.”

Sen. Kamala Harris (Calif) challenged O’Rourke’s claim of a uniquely balanced perspective. “As a former attorney general I’ve convicted the innocent and exonerated the guilty,” she boasted. “I think this shows an ability to rise above the constraints of the law and evidence, if necessary, to achieve the kind of social justice others in my Party have merely given lip-service to. When I’m president no one will be beyond the reach of my authority to implement the complete transformation of the United States into the progressive state of President Obama’s dreams.”

John Hickenlooper, former governor of Colorado points out that “I am the only person in history who has taken his mother out on a date to see the classic porn movie ‘Deep Throat.’ Others may think they are visionaries, but none have dared to take such a step. My sexual bravery is without peer among those seeking the presidency. Even the notoriously promiscuous JFK never ventured anything similar to my escapade with my Mom. This is the sort of boldness that marks me as the leader America needs in these perilous times.”

Sen. Cory Booker (NJ) made an effort to remind voters that “the first item on my action agenda after I’m elected president will be to reverse Trump’s policy against transgenders serving in the military. By my way of thinking, anyone who has the courage to have his balls cut off in an attempt to become an ugly woman certainly has the courage to engage in hand-to-hand combat. And while I’m sure Trump isn’t aware of it, there have been entire armies of fierce eunuchs deployed by great Muslim emirs in previous eras. I don’t see why the US Army shouldn’t revive this weapon to demoralize our country’s foreign and domestic enemies.”

Dems Point Out Eerie Parallels Between Trump and Hitler

In a bid to bolster their contention that President Trump is the worst person to ever occupy the Oval Office, House of Representatives Democratic Whip James Clyburn (SC) listed what he termed “the frightening and eerie parallels between Adolf Hitler and Donald Trump. Both abstained from consuming alcohol. Both were elected with less than a majority of the popular vote. Both characterized their predecessors as ineffective and corrupt. Both came to power as outsiders without prior experience in government. Both achieved a strong economy and military. It could hardly be clearer that President Trump is the biggest threat to America and the world in my lifetime.”

Fellow historian and House Judiciary Chairman Jerry Nadler (NY) added “both criticized the international order. Both were for law and order. Both held xenophobic views. Hitler wanted Germany for Germans. Trump wants America for Americans. Both sent troops into foreign lands.”

“Further, Trump’s intention to block the entry of newcomers into the United States even though Congress opposes him is tyranny,” Nadler claimed. “In my opinion, impeachment is too mild of a remedy. If Hitler hadn’t committed suicide he would have been hanged. Our biggest problem is that Trump will never commit suicide. I pray that we have the same strength of character to take the drastic actions needed to save this country and the world that FDR did during the 1940s.”

Guv Endorses Bill Allowing Non-Doctors to Perform Abortions

Governor Janet Mills (D-Maine) is backing legislation that would allow non-doctors to perform late term abortions in her state. “The kind of slicing and dicing needed to dispose of an unwanted child doesn’t require the same kind of education and expertise needed to save a life,” Mills contends. “The law currently allows mohels, who are not doctors, to perform circumcisions. Why shouldn’t Satanists, who regard abortion as a sacred rite, be permitted to decapitate and dismember the unwanted unborn?”

The governor’s suggestion was greeted by cheering and applause from Democrats in the state legislature. It was also praised by Planned Parenthood’s spokesperson Adora Slaughter, who called it “a significant step toward reducing the cost of the procedure. Doctors are expensive. The skills required for performing an abortion could be mastered by a wider range of individuals after a much shorter course of training. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if your average professional meat cutter couldn’t do the job as well as the obgyns we have to employ under the current regulations.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Admitted Thief Throws Hat in Race for Dem Presidential Nomination

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

This week, Robert “Beto” O’Rourke, the Kennedyesque former Texas Democrat Representative and failed Senate candidate, changed course and declared he will run for his Party’s nomination in the 2020 presidential election. O’Rourke got his start on the path to politics in his teens as a member of the Cult of the Dead Cow (CDC) during the 1980s.

The CDC financed its activities by pirating software, pilfering long-distance phone service and credit card fraud. The CDC’s web site contained a warning saying: “This site may contain explicit descriptions of or advocate one or more of the following: adultery, murder, morbid violence, bad grammar, deviant sexual conduct in violent contexts, or the consumption of alcohol and illegal drugs.”

O’Rourke used the pilfered services to post what he called “imaginative fiction” using the pen name “Psychedelic Warlord.” One of his stories featured a driver who intentionally killed two children because “they were happy. This happiness was mine by right.”

The newest of the growing collection of Democrats running for president described his experiences with CDC as “a good foundation for my career in politics. Many of the issues we advocated for 30 years ago –adultery, violence, bad grammar, deviant sexuality and drug abuse—have become widely accepted mainstream behaviors.”

“Given my background and visionary brilliance, I am the world’s best chance to stave off the coming climate catastrophe that scientists unanimously agree will occur in 12 years,” O’Rourke bragged. “I am the only candidate bold enough to take the severe and painful measures called for in the Green New Deal. Some people will say that I am pirating an idea first articulated by Rep. Ocasio-Cortez. But let me point out that 30 years before she was born I was writing about cows and urging their extermination as a possible means of deterring their farts.”

At her weekly press conference, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) was asked to comment on any accomplishments that might recommend his election as president. She responded saying “well, he is a natural born citizen, is more than 35 years old and has lived here for more than 14 years. These qualifications set him apart from the millions of newcomers who will cast ballots to elect our next president.”

Meanwhile, the O’Rourke campaign has posted a want ad for volunteers “willing and able to wax his ass and scrub his balls.” Campaign spokesman Peter Hynd cryptically explained the bizarre request, saying that “the candidate requires certain personal attentions to look, feel and be at his best.”

Congresswoman Suggests Banks Be Nationalized

Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif), Chairperson of the House Financial Services Committee, asked Wells Fargo CEO Tim Sloan if the scandals that have plagued his bank “might prove that it is too big to manage. We see a pattern here. Customers have been abused and money has been wasted or misspent. Where’s the accountability?”

Waters wondered “whether the idea that banks can be trusted is no longer valid for our modern economy. Greed has gotten us into this mess. Maybe it’s time the government steps in to run all the banks and replaces the profit motive with a more socially just way of doing things. Unlike the private sector, the government isn’t bound to earn a profit. It can manage businesses free of the constraints of focus on the bottom line. Loans could be given based on need without concern about whether the borrower can make payments. This is how they do it in Cuba and we never hear of any scandals, defaults, or waste there.”

New Zealand Terror Attack Blamed on Trump

A gunman who described himself as a “Green Nationalist” and admirer of Oswald Mosley—the leader of the British Union of Fascists in the 1930s—murdered 49 people at two mosques in Christchurch. The shooter’s “Manifesto” explained the crime as “a more direct approach to saving the planet from overpopulation” by targeting “a group that is among the fastest breeding segment of humanity.” He also expressed admiration of China’s one-child policy, but “had to take matters into my own hands because western governments don’t have the balls to do what is needed.”

CNN was quick to suggest that US President Trump was somehow to blame. John Berman, host of the program “New Day,” professed to not blame Trump, but went on to say that “the President is not the killer, per se, but I detect a fear of immigrants similar to what the shooter expressed. And Trump, like the shooter, is white, while most of the victims were brown foreigners.”

CNN panelist Joe Lockhart saw a parallel between “the gunman’s paramilitary assault and Trump’s boast that he has the support of the US Military on his side. I’m not saying that Trump consciously invites anyone to murder immigrants, but couldn’t the deranged gunman have thought that he did? Can we afford to absolve an unwitting Trump from all responsibility here? Isn’t it our obligation to do whatever we can to silence him?”

Meanwhile, a group of students at New York University conducting a vigil to remember and mourn the victims of the attack assailed a hapless Chelsea Clinton when she dared to join the vigil. They blamed her “Islamophobia” for inspiring the shooter. “You married a Jew,” they shouted. “You criticized Rep. Omar for warning everyone about the Jews.” Flustered, Chelsea apologized profusely for her “insensitivity” and remarked that “it’s so hard to keep up with correct thinking.”

Goat Elected Town Mayor

In Fair Haven, Vermont voters have elected a goat named “Lincoln” mayor. In an attempt to explain the unusual outcome, Town Manager Joseph Gunter said he was unsure, but offered some possible motivations. “On the one hand, the goat’s name may have played a part in the decision. Lincoln was one of this nation’s greatest leaders. Perhaps the name alone inspired confidence.”

“On the other hand, voters have elected and reelected Bernie Sanders to the US Senate,” Gunter observed. “So, odd choices by the electorate are not entirely unknown in our state. At least the goat hasn’t proposed any crazy policies that could embarrass our town.”

Testicular Bill of Rights Proposed in Georgia

Angered that the legislature passed a law protecting the unborn from being killed once a heartbeat is detected, Rep. Dar’shun Kendrick (D-Lithonia) has introduced a bill she calls a “Testicular Bill of Rights.”

“This will level the playing field by establishing the same kind of regulations infringing upon men’s bodies that Republicans have imposed on women’s bodies,” Kendrick contends. The provisions of her bill include: (1) require men to have their partner’s permission before an erectile dysfunction medication can be prescribed; (2) ban vasectomies and punish doctors who perform them; (3) punish men who have sex without a condom; (4) require men to start paying child support when their partners are six-week pregnant; and (5) a 24-hour waiting period for men to acquire porn or sex toys.

While critics see more spite than genuine health issues as the driving motivation behind her bill, Kendrick pointed out that “an abortion kills only one person, but every ejaculation kills millions of potential persons. Laws that focus exclusively on preventing a mother from killing her own baby are unfairly singling out females whose lesser crime pales compared to the mass murders routinely committed by men. It’s not as if the fate of every man is not in his own hands. If he always wears a condom the chance he will impregnate any woman is nil. So, any man who religiously obeys section three of my law should be relatively safe from prosecution.”

Fellow abortion fanatic Rep. Park Cannon (D-Atlanta) favors a simpler approach and has offered an amendment “that would strike all the complicated provisions of Kendrick’s bill and replace them with a single requirement mandating that men turn themselves into the police whenever they release sperm from their testicles.”

Former Democratic candidate for Georgia governor Stacy Abrams said she “sympathized with Rep. Kendrick’s frustration,” but characterized her proposed bill “a joke.” Instead, she blamed corporations for not stopping the heartbeat bill from becoming law. “The majority of abortions are performed on poor women,” she pointed out. “Preventing these abortions means more mouths to feed and drives up the cost of welfare benefits. I would’ve thought that businesses would have opposed the new law on fiscal grounds. The few thousands they could’ve paid to sway the votes needed to kill the bill will now be outweighed by the millions in higher taxes needed to support these unwanted children.”

FBI Witness Blames Lynch, Rues Getting Caught

Lisa Page, a key cog in the Obama Administration’s conspiracy to derail Trump’s campaign and sabotage him after he won the election, testified to Congress that it was Attorney General Loretta Lynch who ordered FBI Director James Comey to exonerate Hillary Clinton for mishandling classified government communications.

For her part, Lynch denied that she explicitly ordered Comey to do anything. “I just passed on the message given to me by Bill Clinton in our tarmac meeting. He said that Hillary really wanted to be president and that anyone who messed that up would regret it, possibly to the point of becoming suicidal. He advised me not to scoff because he’s seen it happen many times over the years.”

After her testimony Page said she regretted what had happened. “I don’t regret doing everything I could to try to rig the election for Hillary. Please make sure that President Clinton knows that. What I regret most is that we failed. What I regret second most is that we got caught. All that blabbing and boasting that Peter and I did via phone texting was stupid. The Mafia has a code of omertà for a reason. We should have abided by it.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. His work has been cited by Rush Limbaugh. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.

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