FBI Whiffs on School Shooting

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

This week, Nikolas Cruz killed 17 and wounded another 13 in an assault on the students and faculty of Marjory Stoneman High School in Parkland, Florida. By law, the school is a designated “gun free zone.” This ensured that Cruz would be able to fire at will until off-site police arrived, which they did within five minutes of being called. By that time the 19-year-old Cruz had ditched his weapon and blended in with the fleeing students.

Cruz’s heinous plan was months in the making. Back on September 5, 2017 Cruz posted a YouTube boast “I’m going to be a professional school shooter.” The FBI was alerted to this threat by Ben Bennight, but professed themselves unable to identify the poster despite the fact that he used his real name.

Meanwhile, Parkland police acknowledged that officers had made 39 visits to Cruz’s residence over the last several years responding to 9-1-1 calls complaining of a “mentally ill person.” Marjory Stoneman High School authorities had also previously expelled Cruz for violent behavior and threats. Nevertheless, Cruz was able to pass an FBI background check and purchase the AR-15 rifle he used in his killing spree.

On January 5 of this year, a person close to Cruz alerted the FBI and provided information about his gun ownership, desire to kill people, erratic behavior, disturbing social media posts, and potential to carry out a school shooting. The FBI failed to follow up on this tip.

Fresh from his testimony to congress in which he hailed the FBI as “the finest group of professionals and public servants I could hope to work with,” Director Christopher Wray admitted that “I am at a loss to explain this breakdown in the Agency’s protocols. It is our responsibility to act quickly and properly when members of the public call our tip line with information regarding a threat of personal harm.” Wray promised to “work tirelessly to get to the bottom of this mystifying dereliction of duty.”

A possible explanation was offered by FBI Deputy Director Rod Rosenstein’s announcement that Special Counsel Robert Mueller had just indicted 13 Russians for meddling in the 2016 election. The meddling is reported to have included using false names while making FaceBook posts denigrating the candidacy of Hillary Clinton and the staging of simultaneous pro and anti Trump post-election rallies.

“While we certainly understand and sympathize with parents whose children were allegedly murdered by Mr. Cruz, the FBI doesn’t have unlimited resources.,” Rosenstein said. “We have to prioritize and deploy our manpower to deal with what the Agency determines is the greater threat. For more than a year we have been investigating Russian interference in our elections. That more than a dozen Russian-backed Internet trolls dared to make snide comments about a presidential candidate was, in our estimate a more dire peril than the possibility that a deranged lunatic might massacre a few dozen relatively unimportant teenagers.”

Whether the indictment of these Russians will accomplish anything seems dubious. The individuals are currently outside the US jurisdiction and are unlikely to be surrendered to US authorities to be prosecuted for posts that would appear to be covered by the Constitution’s First Amendment guarantee of freedom of speech. Besides, the normal punishment for obnoxious behavior by a foreigner is to expel him from the country.

However, Rosenstein insists that “it’s the principle that matters. The Russian government’s refusal to allow us to extradite these men will be an indelible and embarrassing stain on their reputation. Even if they do permit extradition, the ultimate formal expulsion of these men will shame them before the whole world.”

“The bigger issue is how we will prevent this type of foreign interference in the future,” Rosenstein contended. “We have already been working informally with FaceBook, Google, and Twitter to try to get them to screen out unwarranted political content. While this is an encouraging beginning, I think we need to move toward some sort of government procedure that could review all political comments before they are posted to the web. That way we could head off destructive and antisocial remarks before they can damage our democratic processes.”

In related news, Attorney General Jeff Sessions absolved himself of any culpability for the FBI’s failure to avert the Florida shooting, asking people to “remember that I’ve recused myself from anything involving law enforcement” and sought to reassure Americans by saying that “I’ve asked Deputy Rosenstein to handle any further actions related to the FBI’s neglect to follow protocols of its various and sundry responsibilities, whatever those might be.”

Oprah Says She Won’t Run for President

Daytime TV personality Oprah Winfrey’s assertion that she will not run for president in 2020 “because if God actually wanted me to run, wouldn’t God kinda tell me? And I haven’t heard that. I had a lot of wealthy men calling, telling me that they would run my campaign and raise $1 billion for me, but it’s just not in my spirit.”

Joy Behar, a panelist on ABC’s The View talk show, called Oprah’s remarks “insane. It’s the kind of thing we’d expect to come out of Vice-President Pence’s mouth. What can she be thinking putting the imaginary words of some spook in the sky ahead of a billion dollar campaign war chest? I mean, if she were the president she could give everyone a brand new car. To my mind, that would be a winning issue and a great economic program. To take herself out of the running like she has is just plain nuts.”

In Congress, Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif) charged God with racism. “Why is God telling the greatest black woman in America not to run for president? He let a white woman run.” Waters vowed to introduce legislation to remove the phrase “in God we trust” from US currency. “How can any right-thinking American trust God after the horrible message he gave Oprah?”

Court Says Muslim Travel Ban Unconstitutional

This week the 4th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals voted 9-4 to overturn President Trump’s anti-terrorist travel ban from eight countries on the grounds that “it violates the First Amendment’s guarantee of religious freedom. The President’s assumption that the Muslim call for jihad from its adherents empowers him to block the immigration of practitioners of this religion into this country is mistaken. The protection of the First Amendment is absolute. It allows no exception for religious practices that entail violence. To single out one religion merely because it commands the coercion or murder of unbelievers is, therefore, unconstitutional.”

Chief Judge Roger Gregory admitted that “the potential dangers of an attack from within by persons motivated by pure religious tenets was unforeseen by the Framers. Ironically, the Constitution explicitly bars the government from taking actions against the free exercise of any religion in this country. Thus far, the defenders of Islam have focused only on the admission of Muslims from abroad. It could be argued, though, that since jihad is a genuine component of their religion, the government is even barred from taking any measures to interfere with the efforts of any Muslims within US borders to convert or eliminate those who resist its entreaties to surrender to Allah.”

“It could also be argued that since the 1973 Roe v. Wade decision legalized the Satanic rite of human sacrifice it would be discriminatory to deny the roughly equivalent Islamic rite to slay infidels,” Gregory added. “After all, what’s good for the goose ought to be good for the gander.”

Judge Paul Niemeyer, one of the four dissenting votes, called the majority’s decision “a serious mistake in both law and common sense. In essence, what they are saying is that if a man wants to kill someone for religious reasons the US government is constitutionally barred from intervening to prevent it. There is no way the Framers intended this result when they wrote the First Amendment. Freedom of religion does not entail allowing one person to harm another no matter what a religion’s particular dogma or rituals might prescribe. Fortunately, the Second Amendment still allows the would-be victim of the religious zealot to defend himself.”

In related news, Swedish police officer Peter Springare is in deep trouble for objecting to “the cultural phenomenon of gang rapes carried out by Muslim immigrants.” Secretary General of Sweden’s Law Society Anne Ramberg characterized Springare’s remarks as “almost racist” and “not up to the standards we expect of our civil servants. As I understand it, these behaviors by Muslim men are considered justified in their religion if women appear in public unaccompanied by a male relative. For us to object is cruel and insensitive.”

Dems & Pubs Battle Over Food Stamps

In a proposal dubbed “America’s Harvest Box,” President Trump’s new budget calls for replacing half of the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP) vouchers with actual food for 80% of the program’s recipients. The “box” would contain allotments of shelf-stable milk, ready to eat cereals, pasta, peanut butter, beans and canned fruit and vegetables.

Democrats were quick to attack the plan. Michigan Sen Debbie Stabenow, the ranking Democrat on the agriculture committee, labeled it “not a serious proposal.” Rep Jim McGovern (D-Mass) called it “a cruel joke. It unfairly limits the choices of those dependent on the government for their living. We’ve been moving toward expanding the options for those in the program. The vouchers can and often are exchanged for cash that could be used to buy cigarettes or beer. The distribution of food would make these types of exchanges more difficult. It would be a step backward. Why should government dependents have fewer choices than the rest of society?”

Agriculture Secretary Sonny Perdue defended the plan as a “cost saving measure. The vouchers must pay for food at retail prices. We can buy the food at bulk rates and get more bang for the taxpayers’ money.”

Chairman of the House Agriculture Committee Rep. K. Michael Conaway (R-Texas) was cool to the idea. “I’m drafting a bill that will save billions in the SNAP program by tightening eligibility and requiring able-bodied recipients to work. Statistics show that fewer than half of the able-bodied in the program have jobs. This unforced dependency is both an unnecessary burden on taxpayers and ensnares millions in a perpetual cycle of idleness and dependency.”

McGovern also denounced Conaway’s idea that recipients ought to have to work if they are able. “It’s petty for a country as rich as America to force people to work if they want to eat,” he argued. “We abolished slavery more than 150 years ago. I find it reprehensible that Republicans are trying to sneak it back in as a budget economy measure.”

In related news, former New York City police officer Jose Vega is suing the Police Department for making him obese. Vega is currently living on a $4,000 per month disability pension. “My goal was to become a first-grade detective and homicide detective,’’ he said. “But they made me walk a beat where many of the vendors and restaurants expressed their support of law enforcement by giving me free food. I ballooned from 180 to 395 lbs. and couldn’t work anymore.” Vega is demanding that he be “taken back on the force part time for $6,200 a month. I could be kind of a ‘Nero Wolfe’ and solve cr

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

imes without ever having to leave my apartment.”

 

Advertisements

Dem Explains Why FBI Abuses Not Worse than Watergate

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnWith evidence piling up that the FBI abused the FISA court process to spy on the Trump campaign, comparison to the 1972 Nixon campaign’s effort to spy on his Democratic opponent’s campaign have been suggested. Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) has labeled the comparison as “absurd.”

“Look, the Watergate operation was conducted by burglars,” Schiff pointed out. “Those guys had no prior authorization to spy on Sen. McGovern’s campaign. The FBI had the FISA court’s permission to spy on the Trump campaign. For Republicans to try to compare the two events is totally unwarranted.”

Schiff similarly disposed of allegations that the FBI lied to the FISA court, saying that “federal law enforcement personnel have the right and the obligation to lie if that is what is deemed necessary to protect national security or to apprehend criminal suspects. As the unredacted FBI texts and emails reveal, agents working for the FBI honestly believed that the election of Donald Trump posed a dire threat to US national security. Consequently, the agency’s actions aimed at thwarting that outcome cannot be used as evidence against them even if they lied to the court and violated the civil rights of any individual.”

Sen. Ron Johnson (R-Wis), chairman of the Senate Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs Committee, called Schiff’s rationale “disturbing. Its acceptance of the idea that federal police can use deception to obtain court permission to spy on Americans involved in a political campaign acquiesces in the same type of abuse we saw in the Watergate case, but on a much broader scale. For Mr. Schiff to try to excuse it because it was carried out under cover of law essentially endorses official interference in the democratic process of voting. It subverts government of the people and replaces it with the kind of police-state tactics that characterized Communist rule under the former Soviet Union.”

In related news, Schiff defended his attempt to obtain naked photos of Trump offered to him by two Russian comedians posing as a high-ranking officials in the Ukrainian government, calling his actions “the epitome of patriotism. Given the obvious shortcomings of Trump’s abilities to perform his duties as president it was my sacred duty to obtain whatever information I could to try to oust him from office. Vain as he is, I thought the threat of having his less than prodigious endowment in the genital area exposed might persuade him to resign. I mean, I doubt Trump could measure up to Weiner’s wiener. And it didn’t bother me one bit that the photos would’ve been obtained by the invasion of his privacy. In war all is fair.”

Bush Convinced Russians Tried to Rig Election for Trump

Despite the emergence of a pattern of improper actions by the FBI, the Obama Administration, and the Hillary Clinton campaign to spy on and smear Donald Trump, former President George W. Bush offered his opinion that “there is clear evidence of Russian meddling in the 2016 presidential election to aid Trump.”

“For eight years I was the Decider-in-Chief of the United States of America,” Bush boasted. “I have insights that few other human beings have when it comes to serious matters like statecraft, governance and strategery. I can easily pierce the veil of facts and get to the underlying true reality.”

“For me, the most important clue was revealed in the debates,” Bush continued. “While few may have noticed, Trump announced that he would like to have better relations with Russia. In contrast Hillary said she would authorize our Air Force to shoot down Russian jets in Syria. Now ask yourself, who do you think Russia would rather have as the American president: a guy who wants better relations or a woman who’s ready to kill their guys? Once you look at everything from this perspective it should be obvious that the only person the Russians would have wanted to help was Trump.”

“Take the Uranium One scandal for example,” Bush said. “By exploiting the Clintons’ well-known greed, the Russians were able to tar Hillary with a clumsily concealed bribery scheme that would’ve destroyed her candidacy were it not for the heroic efforts of the media to bury this story under mounds of anti-Trump rhetoric.”

“Unfortunately, the Russians are wily adversaries,” Bush observed. “So they concocted a backup plan to dupe Hillary into buying a contrived dossier of dirt on Trump that diverted her from campaigning on her winning issues of higher taxes, bigger spending, more regulation and open borders. So confident was she of winning by attacking his character with this dossier and the ‘pussy grabbing’ tape that she cut back her campaign appearances to rest up for her inauguration. As we all saw to our great consternation, the Russian scheme worked like a charm and Trump eked out a victory in the Electoral College even though he lost the popular vote.”

“Despite Russian success in overturning the election of the most qualified nominee of either Party in this nation’s long history, I remain optimistic that all is not lost,” the former President said. “Hopefully, patriots like Comey and Mueller will yet find a way to oust Trump and place a more qualified person on the throne. I think a good compromise candidate to install as president would be my brother Jeb. He’s got the breeding and the experience needed to govern this great country.”

In related news, Hillary Clinton now claims she was only following Peter Strzok’s advice when she used Bleachbit to erase her subpoenaed emails. “Considering the vast expertise of the FBI and my own relative ignorance about computer security who can blame me for trusting their judgment?” she asked. “It also made sense since murder suspects on Law and Order are always using bleach to destroy evidence. At the very least, I think I should have immunity for merely following a suggestion given by an officer in the nation’s premier law-enforcement agency.”

California Dreaming

The formerly bankrupt City of Stockton, California is planning to implement a basic universal income scheme that would pay out $6,000 per year to select low-income households. The scheme is the brainchild of Mayor Michael Tubbs who hopes “to demonstrate that providing people with money they may spend in anyway they choose will inspire imitation across the land. The first phase of the plan is to choose 100 families that will receive $500 per month for 18 months and see what happens.”

Renowned economist Thomas Sowell criticized Tubbs’ idea contending that “if you give people something for nothing it will tend to make them more complacent in their poverty rather than inspiring them to better themselves, as the Mayor naively hopes. His ‘experiment’ has been carried out on a much larger scale by socialist redistribution schemes in other countries and in America’s lengthy ‘war on poverty’ that has ensnared generations of poor people in a never ending cycle of dependency over the last 50 plus years.”

Tubbs dismissed this criticism as “an outdated racist way of thinking. Those other programs were all designed and operated by white men and imposed on black folks. My plan is conceived by a black man and will be administered by those this black man chooses to run it. This will give us a pure test of the concept free from the racist bias that has ruined all previous experiments.”

Urinating Illegal Stabs Man

In Maryland, Salvador Gomez-Lopez, a native of El Salvador in the United States illegally will go on trial for stabbing a man waiting at a bus stop. The attack sprang from the victim’s objection to Gomez urinating in front of fellow bus passengers. Arresting police described Gomez as “drunk and belligerent.”

In the US House of Representatives, Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) gave an eight hour speech blaming Trump’s “anti-immigrant policies for this tragedy. The hostility of the President toward immigrants seeking a better life in America is the primary cause for this incident. If Mr. Gomez didn’t have to live in the shadows for fear of deportation he wouldn’t have to urinate in public. Nor would he have to bear the gibes of some wealthy white man demanding that he find a toilet to do his business. His impulse to stab the man tormenting him was a foreseeable outcome of Trump’s refusal to grant amnesty to the 30 million undocumented Americans that have entered this country without his permission.”

“Poor Nancy is losing her grip on reality,” Trump said in a one-minute reply. “Mr. Gomez is precisely the kind of immigrant we don’t need coming into our country. He has no respect for decency. Public restrooms are plentiful in America. He has no respect for human life. Stabbing a person for trying to uphold decency is not justified. The Democrats’ efforts to make America safe for the likes of Mr. Gomez endangers the lives of law-abiding citizens everywhere. He is a sterling example of why we need tighter border enforcement.”

Meanwhile, in another distribution of “crumbs” stemming from the Tax Cuts and Jobs Act, General Motors announced that 50,000 factory workers will each receive a profit-sharing check in the amount of $11,750. Pelosi still insists that “this money frittered away on relatively wealthy auto workers could have been better spent by the government providing the kind of aid that immigrants like Mr. Gomez so desperately need.”

In related news, MSNBC’s Chris Matthews argued that “Republican attacks on House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi are ethnic politics. Rep. Pelosi may herself be a rich white woman, but she is also a champion of ethnic minorities, so much so that her little grandson says he wishes he had brown skin so his Grammy would love him more. So, when we think about it in these terms, we can’t escape the conclusion that Republicans are basically covert racists when they argue against her policy positions.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Opinions Split on Memo Exposing FBI Abuses

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnThe release of the House Intelligence Committee memo summarizing FBI abuses of its surveillance authority sparked differing reactions across the political spectrum. The gist of the Agency’s crime is that top FBI officials knowingly used an unverified dossier created at the behest of the Democratic National Committee to dupe a Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Court judge into issuing a warrant to spy on the Trump campaign.

President Trump, target and victim of the FBI’s political vendetta, described the FBI’s actions as “worse than Watergate where a handful of Nixon campaign operatives broke into Democratic Party offices to spy on the McGovern campaign. Now we see the Obama Department of Justice used the full weight of the federal government to try to rig the election against me. I think it’s terrible. I think it’s a disgrace.”

Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) insists that “the disgrace is that Trump would allow the House memo to be declassified. The heroic actions of these dedicated FBI law enforcement officers to try to protect the nation from being taken over by an unqualified usurper are now being held up to scorn merely because they manipulated the legal process. Well, there are times when patriots have to put the greater good ahead of adherence to the law. I think Trump is lucky that all they did was try to derail his election and prompt his impeachment. As Sen. Schumer (D-NY) has pointed out, our nation’s intelligence agencies have access to more lethal options for disposing of threats against this country.”

Former FBI Director James Comey derided the release of the memo for “exposing matters that were better left classified. By its nature, intelligence work entails doing things that an unsophisticated general public might consider dishonest or even criminal. But dire threats call for dire deeds. Did the nation berate FDR for authorizing the firebombing of German and Japanese civilians? No. They accepted these harsh measures as the price of freedom. In this context, the FBI’s tactic of merely sabotaging the Trump campaign and supporting the resistance when that effort failed strikes me as both justified and more merciful than other steps they could have taken.”

Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) called the memo’s release “a stain on our reputation. By unveiling the disreputable behavior of the FBI for all the world to see we are conveying the impression that America has its own secret police who abuse their authority for political reasons. Comparisons to the Soviet KGB or Nazi Gestapo are now inevitable. The damage this does to our nation is incalculable. It would have been better if the errant FBI men had conveniently perished in a train wreck that could’ve been arranged by trained assassins from one of our other intelligence agencies.”

CNN political analyst Brian Karem characterized the release of the memo as “the death knell for our democracy. Congressional intrusion into the independence of the FBI tears our Constitution to shreds. That a body with an overt political role could divulge information that an intelligence agency wants to conceal overturns decades of agreement on both sides of the aisle. It’s like the analogy made by former CIA Director Leon Panetta, ‘who should we trust when it comes down to what is best for the country—James Bond or the gas bags in Parliament, or in our case, Congress.’”

The primary author of the memo—House Intelligence Committee Chairman Devin Nunes (R-Calif)–says “the reactions I’m seeing from both sides reaffirms my belief that releasing the memo was the right thing to do. The notion that some of my Democratic Party colleagues have that the FBI ought to be independent from congressional scrutiny, that we ought to blindly trust our intelligence agencies is about as far away as we could get from the type of open, democratic, and free government that our Constitution intended. I hope it will inspire the types of reform that can guard against future abuses of power by those whose jobs are to defend the law and the safety of the citizens of the United States.”

Meanwhile, Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) and House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) warned President Trump that “firing Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein, Special Counsel Robert Mueller, or any other high-ranking member of the Department of Justice on the pretext that their involvement in the improper use of the FISA system renders them unworthy of being trusted would be clear grounds for impeachment. Every Democrat and quite a few Republicans in the House and Senate implicitly trust these men despite any missteps they may have inadvertently taken in the pursuit of justice and American security interests.”

In related news, the latest batch of text messages between FBI agent Peter Strzok and FBI lawyer Lisa Page revealed the two discussing the best way to illegally copy and transmit classified material without being caught. A text from Strzok to Page explicitly states that “If I want to copy/take classified, I’m sure as hell not going to do it on this phone.” While admitting that this looks bad, Attorney General Jeff Sessions took the occasion to point out that “not everyone who works at the FBI or Department of Justice is crooked. We just have to hope that the good apples outnumber and outwork the bad ones.”

Fidel Castro Jr. Commits Suicide, Trump Blamed

This week, the 68-year-old son of the late Cuban dictator Fidel Castro committed suicide. Though communism enabled his famous father to amass a billion dollar personal fortune, “Fidelito” was said by friends to have become depressed upon realizing “that Yankee bastard is right. My country is a sh*thole.”

Long-time compadre, Vacio Cabeza professed himself “mystified. He wanted for nothing. We lived like kings. Admittedly, life is kind of tough for the average Cuban, but what does that matter to men like us? Why should we care what Trump said about Cuba?”

Reminded that Trump did not explicitly include Cuba in his complaint about “bringing in so many people from these sh*thole countries,” Cabeza retorted, “we aren’t stupid. Look around you. Why do you think so many Cubans try to paddle their way to America? With Fidelito gone I might have to try the same thing. Who will pick up the tab for me now?”

Fidelito’s uncle and current Cuban dictator Raul Castro is reported to have set up “suicide hotlines to assist fellow comrades who may wish to follow my nephew’s example. Surely, there are others who have even greater reasons for wanting out than our beloved Fidelito.”

Raul lamented that “I partially blame myself for not suppressing Trump’s scurrilous remarks, but then what could I do. It’s not like the old days when we could just execute people who spread capitalist propaganda. There are just too many of them these days. The imperialists have infiltrated fantastical images of the prosperity that exists outside our island paradise and fomented disloyalty everywhere.”

Retiring Planned Parenthood CEO Gives Farewell Speech

Retiring Planned Parenthood CEO Cecile Richards urged abortion supporters to “fight back against the moralists who threaten women’s freedom.” She pointed to “a few bright spots we’ve seen in recent weeks that should encourage our faith in the ultimate victory of our cause.”

“First there was the virtually unanimous vote by House Democrats against requiring abortionists to render medical aid to infants who survive the procedure,” Richards recounted. “This nonsensical Republican attempt to impose their own notion of what they call ‘common human decency’ would completely negate the purpose of the procedure. The mother came for the express purpose of terminating her unwanted pregnancy. To require the doctor to offer life-saving aid after he has botched the termination effort is cruel and demented.”

“Next, there was the successful Democrat filibuster against the Senate Republicans’ attempt to prevent abortions that cause pain for the fetus,” Richards continued. “Seeing the Democrats high-fiving each other after killing the bill was exhilarating. For the GOP to try to use the few moments of pain experienced by the fetus as it is ripped apart inside the mother’s womb as a ploy to foist a lifetime of obligation on the parents is a moral atrocity.”

“Not content with their efforts to nullify a woman’s right to an abortion, the GOP is now touting legislation that would greatly inconvenience women by allowing the doctor they prefer to perform the procedure to decline on the grounds that it violates his conscience,” Richards complained. “Their bill would overturn President Obama’s decree that doctors must abide by the consciences of their patients and have no right to insert their own moral objections into the transaction. Permitting individuals to each make their own moral judgments is the road to anarchy. If the government is to fully empower women to choose whether to be mothers it must enforce compliance upon those the government has licensed to practice medicine and compel doctors to perform requested abortions.”

MSNBC Lunatics Pan Trump’s State-of-the-Union Speech

Despite polls showing that 70% of those who saw or heard President Trump’s State-of-the-Union speech approved of it, the media talking heads at MSNBC roundly panned it.
Joy Reid, host of the weekend “news” show A.M. Joy, contended that “his praise of church, family, and the National Anthem are clearly outside the mainstream of the values shared by most of the country. We’ve moved on from these outdated and obsolete ideas. And his total failure to reach out to the LGBTQ community puts him at odds with the progressive aspirations laid out for America by President Obama.”

Stene Schmidt, the network’s “Republican” strategist, backed his MSNBC colleague, saying that “I found Trump to be divisive and delusional. What about the people who disparage religion, abort their families, and despise the Anthem’s encouragement of patriotism? What does Trump have to offer them? How can he unite the country without fighting for their values like President Obama did?”

Host of MSNBC’s Hardball, Chris Matthews wondered “what’s the deal with all of Trump’s references to MS-13? Even if we concede that this is a vicious gang of murdering thugs there’s no evidence they colluded with the Russians to interfere with our elections. We shouldn’t let Trump get away with using them as a distraction from his collusion with the Russians to undermine the ascension of Hillary Clinton to the presidency.”
Donny Deutsch, a regular guest on the MSNBC talk show Morning Joe, declared that “the speech proves Trump is a dictator. I urge people to take to the streets and overthrow this monster before we lose all of our freedom.”

In related news, National Football League Commissioner Roger Goodell defended his organization’s decision to reject the American Veterans (AMVETS) ad asking Super Bowl attendees to “please stand for the National Anthem.” “We have invested a lot of energy empowering those who have grievances to sit or kneel for the Anthem,” Goodell said. “We are not about to let a gang of aged jar heads abuse our forum by making an insensitive political statement that undermines the progress we’ve made.”

Pelosi Explains “Crumbs” Statement

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) defended her dismissal of the $1,000s in bonuses and tax cuts flowing to the middle class from the recently enacted Tax Cuts and Jobs Act as “crumbs.”

Using herself as an example, Pelosi observed that “the pittances being received by members of the working classes are dwarfed by the hit I’m taking. By limiting the deductability of mortgage interest to only $10,000 on only an owner-occupied home, those of us who own multiple houses worth millions of dollars are losing far more than these commoners are gaining. My tax accountant tells me I’ll have to pay an additional $100,000 or more in income taxes because of this. I’m maybe a hundred times worse off than the average Joe. So it is small comfort to me that ordinary folks are benefiting by a few thousand apiece because of this dumb tax cut.”

The House Minority Leader is one of the richest members of Congress with a net worth estimated at over $190 million.

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Dems Reject President’s DACA Proposal

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnThe Trump proposal to extend a path to citizenship for 1.8 illegal immigrants brought to the United States as children was assailed by key Democrats this week.

Senate Minority Whip Dick Durbin (D-Ill) called the proposal “far short of anything I could agree to. What about the other 30 million undocumented persons living in this country? Where’s the path to citizenship for them. On top of this, Trump’s ‘deal’ would require us to agree to fund beefed up border security, limit chain migration, and end the visa lottery—blocking millions of future migrants from enjoying the same opportunity that he would selfishly restrict to a relatively few ‘worthy’ dreamers.”

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) denounced Trump’s proposal as “a cynical ploy to place the interests of current citizens ahead of those hoping to become future citizens. He’s asking Democrats to accept a mere 1.8 million new voters as the price of us consenting to block 30 million or more new voters. This is far short of ‘half-a-loaf.’ Polls show that the majority of Americans are with us on this issue. We will use Trump’s insulting proposal to win the 2018 elections, take back congress and advance the progress pf our efforts to oust the usurper.”

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) labeled Trump’s proposal “heartless. His plan is to give preference to the competent and productive among the dreamers when it is the incompetent and unproductive who are most in need of the benefits we can afford to provide. The welfare programs south of the border are pitifully inadequate. Trump would target those who seek the better life they can live under the generosity of our government for deportation. This is unconstitutionally both cruel and unusual punishment for the tens of millions who have endured the severe hardships of trekking across the border.”

In related news, beginning April 1, illegal immigrants who have been granted driver’s licenses in California will be allowed to vote. “It’s the next logical step in our state’s battle against the Trump Administration’s attempt to close our borders to immigrants,” said Gov. Jerry Brown. “The votes of these immigrants will ensure that the state will send Democrats to Congress to oppose Trump in 2018 and ensure that our electoral votes will go to Democrats from this point on.”

House Intel Memo Sparks Reaction

A confidential memo written by Republicans from the House Intelligence Committee has sparked different reactions from Democrats and Republicans. Republicans who have read the memo describe its contents as “shocking.”

The facts contained in this memo are jaw-dropping and demand full transparency,” said Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-Fla). “The widespread illegal surveillance of America citizens by the nation’s intelligence community for what appear to be purely political motives is not the kind of behavior one expects in a free society. We need to release the memo so the American people have information they need to decide how they want their government to be run.”

Sen. Mark Warner (D-Va) acknowledged that he has not read the memo, but described it as “sloppy, careless and has no grounding in fact. How do I know this? Well, for one, it was written by Republicans. For two, it alleges that members of the FBI would misuse their authority in a biased way to favor one Party over another.”

Unfortunately for Democrats, contents of some of the 50,000 text messages between FBI agent Peter Strzok and FBI attorney Lisa Page discuss a plan to “go easy” on presidential candidate Hillary Clinton because, as Page pointed out “she might be our next president. If we get on her bad side it could wreck our careers.”

Strzok replied that he “agreed” and said he contacted his FBI superior Bill Priestap, “who also agrees with our perception.” Strzok later revised then FBI Director James Comey’s draft letter on the Clinton “matter” to change the description of her handling of classified emails from the legally culpable “gross negligence” to the vaguer, but safer “extremely careless.” All of this took place months before 17 witnesses and Clinton herself were even interviewed.

Warner professed himself “unmoved by these text exchanges. Considering that everyone was sure that Hillary would be the next president, it’s understandable that they wouldn’t want to rub her the wrong way. Putting their ‘thumbs on the scale,’ so to speak, would be a natural survival reflex in those circumstances.”

Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-IA) disagreed with his senate colleague’s “casual attitude toward this serious breach of ethics by those high up in this country’s foremost law enforcement agency. Justice requires the unbiased consideration of evidence. The decision to grant leniency to someone on the premise that the person is powerful is corrupt and conducive to tyranny. It cannot be allowed if we are to remain a free country.”

Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif), the top Democrat on the House Intelligence Committee, adamantly opposes letting the general public see the memo because “they don’t have the necessary knowledge or experience to adequately understand the seemingly inappropriate steps the intelligence community must take to defend the country from enemies both foreign and domestic. It is naive to think that a federal agent should remain unbiased when the very fate of the nation may require that ‘dirty deeds’ be done to save it.”

Rep. Jerrold Nadler (D-NY), ranking member on the House Committee on the Judiciary, demanded that “the FBI be allowed to review the memo and correct any inaccuracies or take whatever other action it deems necessary to protect itself before it is released. Let’s not forget that the FBI has been protecting this country since the Dillinger days. We shouldn’t allow the squeamishness of a few Republicans about the FBI’s methods to undermine public confidence in this great law enforcement agency.”

In related news, a Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act (FISA) Court ruling found that 85% of the National Security Administration’s (NSA) searches of individual American citizens during the Obama Administration violated the Constitution’s Fourth Amendment prohibition against unreasonable searches. In response, the NSA has deleted “honesty” and “openness” from its “core values” statement on its web page.

Three States to Sue over New Tax Law

New York Democratic Gov. Andrew Cuomo announced that his state, New Jersey and Connecticut will be suing the federal government because “the new tax law impedes our ability to extract the maximum amount of revenue from the taxpayers.” The impediment comes from the clause in the Tax Cuts and Jobs Act that limits the deductibility of state and local taxes to a mere $10,000 per taxpayer per year.

The three states rank at the top of the list for heaviest tax burden as a percent of income with New York at 12.7%, Connecticut at 12.6% and New Jersey at 12.2%. The states also rank high in terms of household median income. But hey, isn’t having the rich pay more in taxes the constant refrain of Democratic politicians whenever the issue is brought up?

Cuomo maintains that “the state tax burden had been partially offset by the old federal tax code that allowed for lower tax states to pay a larger share of the federal tax burden than they otherwise would have. This was fair because these other states have lower state tax burdens, and thus, more money available to send to the federal government. Suddenly changing the rules like Congress and President Trump did was unfair. Our states have grown dependent on being able to shift the burden. Cutting us off is like throwing a family off of food stamps or out of public housing. It’s an intolerable shock to the system.”

Aside from the lawsuit, Cuomo says his state is considering switching from an income tax to a payroll tax. “First, payroll taxes are deductible from federal taxes,” he pointed out. “Second, this will give a break to the high-income donors from Wall Street who donate the majority of the funds state Democrats receive for their election campaigns.”

In related news, California Assembly Majority Leader Ian Calderon (D-Whittier) has introduced a bill that would subject waiters who give customers a drinking straw without being asked to a fine of up to $1,000 per straw, up to six months in prison, or both. “Plastic straws have been raping our environment for far too long,” Calderone claims. “Waiters are in a position to ameliorate this degradation if they take a more active role in deterring the over use of these weapons of mass desecration. My bill will provide a little more incentive for them to act more aggressively and responsibly.”

Baboons Escape from Paris Zoo

A contingent of 52 baboons is reported to have escaped from the Paris Zoo. The animals are said to be “large and potentially very aggressive.” Authorities are reportedly uncertain about how this situation should be handled.

On the one hand, there is concern that innocent civilians could be harmed by the animals or our efforts to try to recapture them,” zoo manager Jean Pomfrite worried. “On the other, there is some speculation that the streets would be safer if they are overrun by simians than Sunnis.”

Florence Parly, Minister of the French Armed Forces, is said to be assembling a team to work on the terms of surrender. “As we learned from some of our nation’s previous encounters with hostile forces, it is better to prepare for peace than attempt to fight a battle we are unlikely to win,” Parly maintained. “We’re confident that if things get really bad the United States can be counted on to come to our rescue. While others have often mocked us, I’d like to point out that our cost-effective approach has worked for France for more than 75 years—saving us money that has been better spent on wine, bread and cigarettes.”

NAACP Disputes Trump’s S***hole Description of Haiti

This week, NAACP spokesperson Secreta Stool sought to disprove President Trump’s characterization of Haiti as a “s***hole country.”

Statistics show otherwise,” Stool asserted. “Only 40% of the population has no access to indoor toilets. This means a majority use flush toilets. Among those unfortunates without indoor plumbing most just relieve themselves in the street, not a hole. So, a more accurate description of Haiti is that it is a cesspit of poverty, disease, and violence.”

Stool said the NAACP has filed a defamation suit against the President. “He has slandered and demoralized the people of this noble nation,” he said. “We are seeking immediate entry into the United States and free accommodation at a Trump hotel for every Haitian fleeing the country. Alternatively, the United States government can pay damages in the amount of $50 trillion.”

CNN Panel Credits Obama for Booming Economy

In the midst of widespread praise of President Trump’s economic policies by world business leaders at the World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland, a Cable News Network (CNN) panel mostly insisted that the credit for America’s booming economy properly belongs to former President Obama.

CNN International host Christiane Amanpour asserted that “most of the people I talk to on a regular basis agree that President Obama is really the one responsible. It was his policy that ushered in the period of sacrifice and stagnation that made Trump’s moves toward deregulation and tax cuts possible. Let’s not forget that the eight years preceding Trump’s inauguration were the only presidential term in US history where economic growth never reached 3% for a single year. This laid the groundwork for the current surge.”

CNN’s Chief White House Correspondent Jim Acosta echoed Amanpour’s remarks, saying that “Trump is merely lucky to be in the right place at the right time. If it hadn’t been for the efforts President Obama made to suppress excessive economic growth the impacts of Trump’s policies would’ve been much more modest. Right now, the corporate fat cats are pleased, but whether any of the benefits trickle down to average folks remains to be seen.”

That’s right,” CNN’s Early Start host and Chief Business Correspondent Christine Romans chimed in. “The top 1% are benefiting immensely. Smaller benefits are being realized by the middle class—a thousand dollar bonus here, a few thousand in tax cuts per household there. Everyone is getting richer, but the gains aren’t equal. People on welfare aren’t getting bonuses or tax cuts. Whether an unequal prosperity is better than the more equally shared sacrifice that President Obama tried to make the new norm is an open question.”

The sole member of the seven-person panel willing to give Trump any credit was Steven Moore, Distinguished Visiting Fellow, Project for Economic Growth, at The Heritage Foundation. “There can be no doubt that the Obama Administration’s policies discouraged investment and growth,” Moore observed. “But to claim that these policies deserve the credit for the current surge in business investment and confidence is absurd. It’s like saying that Obama’s previous policy of placing the government’s foot on the neck of the US economy merits more praise than Trump’s moves to dislodge it. That is twisted and insane.”

Meanwhile, the count of companies awarding bonuses to employees because of the Trump tax cuts has now reached 250. Home Depot and Starbucks were the most recent firms to announce that their hourly employees would be sharing in the companies’ good fortune due to the Tax Cuts and Jobs Act.

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Senator Calls Trump ‘Stalinesque’

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnThis week, Sen. Jeff Flake (R-Az) compared President Trump to notorious Soviet dictator Joseph Stalin in a speech he gave to fellow Senators Dick Durbin (D-Ill) and Amy Klobuchar (D-Minn) in the Senate.

Durbin characterized his colleague’s remarks as “moving and insightful. Considering that Trump is clearly a monster of prodigious magnitude, Jeff showed enormous courage speaking truth to power. Why, just the other day Trump used the s*** word to denigrate the governments that are so bad that they turn their citizens into refugees.”

Klobuchar praised Flake’s defense of the media as “a stellar effort in the battle against this country’s worst president. Jeff is among the few Republicans willing to put Party aside for the greater good. We had hoped he could fill the shoes of his state’s mortally ill senior Sen. John McCain, but sadly, the redneck voters in Arizona won’t support his reelection.”

After his speech Flake admitted that “Trump isn’t anything like Stalin. Stalin had his enemies killed or imprisoned. Trump merely insults his with crude tweets and taunts. I evoked Stalin’s name because I knew the media would be eager to cover my remarks if I did. And I was right. My audience’s enthusiastic response assured me that I am on the right track and will get the kind of attention I so desperately need.”

Arizona’s Sen. McCain asserted “I’m proud of Jeff for taking such a bold stand against his own party. It’s a path I have trod often to great media acclaim. When you have no significant legislative achievements to show for a 40-year career, being an outspoken critic of the GOP is a good substitute for garnering notoriety. I can see how my success inspired Jeff. Unfortunately, he didn’t have the advantage of being a war hero to divert Republican voters from his unpopular attacks on a Republican president.”

The media that Flake so passionately defended bristled at the “fake news” awards bestowed by President Trump on Wednesday. The editors of the Washington Post called the awards “disappointing. There weren’t even plastic trophies—just a list of erroneous stories put out by various networks and newspapers.” CNN’s Jim Acosta complained that “focusing on only a top ten callously overlooks the thousands of other stories that we generated in our campaign against this madman. Whether a story is factually correct is not as important as whether it is politically correct. In that regard our record is unblemished.”

Unsurprisingly, polls show that a majority of voters think the media are biased in their political coverage. More surprising is the admission by 45% of journalists that media coverage of Trump is biased.

Trump Passes Physical, Media Skeptical

This week President Donald Trump underwent a full physical exam carried out by Dr. Ronny Jackson. Unusually, the exam included a test of cognitive abilities. The Doctor, who pronounced his patient to be in good health, was then subjected to a barrage of questions, 80 in all, from the media. A few are shown below.

NBC News reporter Hallie Jackson wondered “isn’t Mr. Trump is too fat to be president? I mean, he’s no Obama. He doesn’t shoot hoops. He looks fat to me. Doesn’t he look fat to you?” “The tests we conducted were aimed to objectively measure important attributes related to health,” Jackson said. “Regrettably, the data didn’t address your essentially aesthetic concern.”

ABC News chief White House correspondent Jonathan Karl wanted to know “how can a guy who eats McDonald’s and fried chicken be in good shape?” “It’s called genetics,” Jackson replied.

Brian Stelter, senior media correspondent for CNN, professed himself “unpersuaded that Trump’s apparent fitness should prevent going forward with a 25th Amendment effort to remove him from office.”

New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio dismissed Trump’s physical as “irrelevant. The quack that examined him overlooked the obvious fact that he is insane—his behavior proves it. He is on the wrong side of every political issue. He naively believes that each individual is the best judge of what’s in his own interests. He resists the essential truth that the collective whole of humanity is the relevant entity and that each person is merely a cell in this larger organism. It is crucial to this organism’s survival that the cancer known as Donald Trump be excised.”

Administration to Allow Doctors to Refuse to Perform Abortions

The Trump Administration is crafting new regulations that would reverse Obama Administration rules compelling doctors to perform abortions. The Department of Health and Human Services will establish a division of “conscience and religious freedom protections” within its Office for Civil Rights. Under the new rules, medical personnel could refuse to participate in procedures that violate their faith or conscience.

Adora Slaughter, spokesperson for Planned Parenthood Federation of America, called the reversal “a betrayal of the rights granted to women by the Supreme Court’s Roe vs. Wade decision and actualized by President Obama’s Affordable Care Act. A woman who wants to terminate her pregnancy should not be forced to find a doctor willing to carry out the procedure. All doctors are licensed by the state. The government has a right and an obligation to require them to perform every kind of medical procedure approved by the AMA. To say that a doctor or nurse can refuse supplants the socially determined judgment of the state with the idiosyncratic judgment of selfish individuals. It’s a step backward toward barbarism.”

The right to terminate an unwanted child is the most fundamental civil right,” Slaughter added. “That Health and Human Services would crush this right via an agency within the Office for Civil Rights stands justice on its head. It will condemn millions of women to unwanted motherhood—effectively reintroducing the involuntary servitude that was abolished by the Civil War and the Constitution’s 13th Amendment.”

In related news, the US House of Representatives passed the Born-Alive Abortion Survivors Protection Act by a vote of 241-183. The law would require doctors who perform an abortion in which the baby survives the procedure to render life-saving care to the infant. Every Republican voted for the bill. All but six Democrats voted against it.

Rep. Jerrold Nadler (D-NY), one of the “no” votes, explained his opposition saying, “I see no need for the government to intrude upon the sacred procedure of terminating an unwanted life. I think we should allow people the freedom to decide what to do rather than letting an emotional appeal on behalf of the survivors of a botched abortion to overwhelm the need to balance the interests of all affected parties. The simplistic idea that the surviving child could be adopted, and thus solve the problem, ignores the fact that the birth mother will be haunted by the knowledge that a person she tried to kill still lives somewhere. No woman should have to endure such torment.”

Pair of California Dems Want to Confiscate Business Tax Cut

Assemblymen Kevin McCarty (D-Sacramento) and Phil Ting (D-San Francisco) are pushing a measure aimed at confiscating half of the business tax cuts resulting from the federal Tax Cuts & Jobs Act for use by the state government.

Businesses have been exploiting the workers and ripping off customers for too long,” Ting complained. “That Trump’s tax cuts would now further reward them for their predatory behavior is unconscionable. Our measure would expropriate the expropriators and turn half of these unjust tax cuts over to the state for a more socially just redistribution.”

Ting said he is not concerned that his proposed action might spark the departure of some businesses because “that will leave more room for the state to expand its role in directing the utilization of our vast natural resources. The notion that entrepreneurs are of any use at this stage of history is misguided. By eliminating this unnecessary class of parasites the state can more effectively deploy assets that are wrongfully controlled by private interests and achieve the more equitable distribution of wealth foreseen by the great Karl Marx.”

The two men’s proposed lurch toward a more intensified degree of socialism for the State of California is not out-of-step with current state policies and programs. Despite an abundance of natural advantages, according to the Census Bureau, the state now has the highest percentage of inhabitants living in poverty of any state in the nation. High taxes, crippling regulations, and overly generous welfare programs have produced an environment where nearly 20% of the population is now below the poverty line.

Ting denied that these statistics reflected poorly on the state’s socially progressive governing philosophy. “If things were really so bad why would California be such a favored destination for immigrants?” he asked. “I would argue that the influx of these proletarian classes from south of the border affirms the correctness of our path and builds a strong political base for future advances along the same lines.”

Dreamers” Maybe Aren’t So Dreamy

While Democrats are going all out to ensure that illegal aliens brought to the United States as children can stay and become citizens, it is not at all clear that they would make good citizens. The illegal executive action taken by former President Obama’s Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals (DACA) program to unilaterally legalize these immigrants—sometimes called “dreamers”–is set to expire in March. Congressional Democrats are threatening to shut down the federal government if Republicans won’t take action to prevent this.

The usual assertion is that these illegal immigrants are as American as their natural born peers. Sen. Claire McCaskill (D-Mo) maintains that “taking young people who were brought here through no fault of their own, and have never known another country, and kicking them out of America is as dumb as it is counterproductive.”

Well, maybe not. In Arizona, “dreamers” constitute an estimated 2% of the population. They also account for a disproportionately large 8% of the prison population. Illegal immigrants of all ages are 142% more likely to be convicted of a crime than other residents, but that figure rises to 250% among the 18-35 age group. They also tend to commit more serious crimes and are over-represented among convictions for murder, manslaughter, sexual assault and armed robbery.

Senator Illegally Releases Classified Testimony

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnThis week, Sen. Diane Feinstein (D-Calif) illegally released classified testimony given by Fusion GPS co-founder Glenn Simpson to the Senate Judiciary Committee. At first, she blamed “a bad head cold” for this lapse in judgment. Later, she alleged “I just got pressured.”

Now she disavows her earlier lame excuses, asserting that “I never said I was pressured” and speculates that a reporter “misunderstood my complaint about the severe sinus pressure I was experiencing with the cold.”

The reporter in question, BuzzFeed’s Emma Loop, says she has heard a recording of the Senator alluding to getting pressured and wanted to know “who was pressuring you?”

“Look, the Fusion GPS lawyer asked me to released the copy of the testimony to the media,” Feinstein now recalled. “I just forgot that it was classified. I don’t know what all the fuss is about. Everything is going to be released eventually. Besides, I’m not some sailor taking a selfie in a submarine. I’m a United States Senator—one of only a hundred in the world. I think I, like Secretary Clinton, deserve a little latitude for what was obviously a minor misstep in my long career of public service.”

Trump Immigration Question Sparks Outrage

During a private meeting at the White House to work on an immigration bill, President Trump is reported to have asked “why are we having all these people from shit-hole countries come here?”

Meeting attendee Sen. Dick Durbin (D-Ill) called Trump’s words “hate-filled” and “the worst words ever spoken in the Oval Office. Frankly, it’s embarrassing to have a man capable of such language as the nation’s Chief Executive. I don’t know if it’s a high crime, but it certainly seems at least a misdemeanor.”

Sen. Jeff Flake (R-Az), who was not at the meeting, said “I was aghast at what Dick told me about what Trump said. The words Trump used were abhorrent and repulsive. I don’t see how anyone with any sense of decency can continue to serve in a government run by such a person. If only my colleagues would follow my example the country would be faced with the stark choice of him or us. Maybe then the nightmare would end.”

“Putting the President’s hateful words aside, I will answer why we want people from these countries to come to America,” Durbin said. “These people live in dire poverty. They are ill-educated. Many need expensive medical care that is not available where they come from. Their governments are run by dictatorial kleptocrats. They need rescue. Who better to provide that rescue than America. We have more wealth than we need or deserve. If we let them in we can sustain them in lifestyles they could never dream of reaching back home and earn their loyalty.”

Mamady Traore, a sociologist from the African nation of Guinea, confirmed Trump’s perception, saying “he is absolutely right. Africa is a continent of shit. When you have heads of state who mess with the constitutions to perpetuate their power. When you have rebel factions that kill children, disembowel women, who mutilate innocent civilians. Frankly, it must be said that it’s crap.”

In related news, the Center for American Progress issued a memo to supporters calling “the legalization of persons in the country illegally a critical component of the Democratic Party’s future electoral success” and urged all Democrats in Congress “to vote against any Republican attempts to fund the government that do not include a fix for Dreamers.”

Trump Named Top Enemy of Press

The Committee to Protect Journalists (CPJ) named Donald Trump the “top global press oppressor.” The award was considered an upset win. Regimes like China where journalists are jailed for criticizing the government, Turkey, which has surpassed China as the world’s biggest jailer of journalists, and Russia where reporters frequently are murdered are expected to lodge protests.

Turkish Prime Minister Tayyip Erdogan complained “we have worked very hard to be the best oppressors. We have more reporters in prison than any other country. I could understand being edged out by Russia or China with their lengthy pedigrees for dealing with nettlesome journalists, but the United States? The biggest accomplishment I’m aware of was Obama’s spying on journalists. That’s NOTHING! The Committee is showing unfair favoritism.”

CPJ Executive Director Joel Simon defended the organization’s selection of Trump, arguing that “no other tyrant has done more to undermine our credibility. In fact, it could be argued that jailing or killing a reporter martyrs him and enhances the media’s credibility. But Trump’s tagging us with the ‘fake news’ label has caused more damage than any other regime has ever achieved.”

A recent study from the Pew Research Center seems to bear out Simon’s contention. According to the study the US ranks first in the perception of media bias. Only 21% of Trump supporters think the media treats political issues fairly. Fifty-five percent of Trump opponents see the media as fairly dealing with political issues. The 34% spread is the largest in the world.

Meanwhile, Project Veritas’ covert recording of several Twitter’s employees revealed them boasting about “using shadow banning to censor conservatives, pro-Trumpers and others who tweet about God, guns, and America.” Shadow banning conceals a customer’s tweets from other users. The banned user is never notified and is unaware that his posts are being sidetracked to a dead end. Twitter Trust and Safety Policy Manager Olinda Hassan explained “we’re using our control of the medium to neutralize the enemies of social progress.”

Twitter’s suppression of conservatives complements Google’s partisan “fact checking.” Media outlets that lean right are tagged with a “reviewed claims” sidebar listing left-wing objections to the site’s content disguised as “fact checking.” Media outlets that lean left like Vox, Slate, The Huffington Post, Daily Kos, Salon, and Mother Jones have no “fact checking” sidebars. Google gives The New York Times and The Washington Post sidebars showcasing the awards they have been given over the years. Google spokesman Sacca Kathair defended the bias, calling it “our company’s contribution in the battle to ensure that incorrect thinking is clearly labeled and that correct thinking is appropriately acknowledged.”

Dems Denigrate Tax Cut

The wave of corporations announcing employee bonuses in the wake of the recently passed Tax Cuts & Jobs Act was denigrated by House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) as “pathetic crumbs. These corporations are getting billions in tax cuts, but are only giving out a few thousand to employees.”

While the “few thousand” is a per employee figure, the total being paid out in bonuses is in the billions. So far, over two million employees are set to receive a bonus averaging up to $3,000 per worker. On top of these bonuses there will also be individual tax cuts. H & R Block estimates that single taxpayers earning $40,000 per year would get to keep an additional $1,000 under the new law. Families earning $70,000 would keep an added $4,000.

“These piddling amounts won’t improve the lives of the average American as much as we could’ve done if the government continued to take and spend the money for the greater good of all,” Pelosi contended. “Funds that selfish individuals will fritter away on gadgets, vacations, or other frivolous spending could’ve been used to support the rescue of more Middle East refugees, free abortions for all, or any number of other worthy causes at the discretion of Congress.”

“Catering to crass greed, as this totally GOP legislation has done, insults the patriotism and collective solidarity of Americans,” she continued. “By shoving this money back in the pockets of the working class we are denying them the right and opportunity to participate in something greater than themselves. It is my belief that the loss of this opportunity will come back to hit the Republicans hard in the mid-term elections this November and in 2020 when our country’s worst president is voted out of office, if he lasts that long.”

Fellow warrior for progressive government Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) urged her state’s voters “to not be misled by the personal benefits of the tax cuts. Yes, some of you will get bonuses. Almost all of you will get a tax cut, and everyone will see lower electric rates as a result of this law. But remember, this narrowly focused law has nothing in it for those who choose not to work, pay no taxes, and refrain from consuming electricity from the polluting power companies. Democrats are the only ones voters can count on to defend our traditional way of life.”

Massachusetts power companies aren’t the only ones planning on lowering rates because of the corporate tax cut. So far a half dozen companies—Pepco, Delmarva, Baltimore Gas & Electric, Pacific Power, Rocky Mountain Power, and Commonwealth Edison—are asking for permission to lower electricity rates. More are expected to follow suit. Widespread lower electricity costs will complicate Democrat efforts to rally voters to their anti-tax cut cause.

Meanwhile, New York, Governor Andrew Cuomo (D) has decided he should “redirect the state’s public employees’ pension fund investments to make a better world. We’re sitting on billions of dollars that currently are invested in the stocks of companies engaged in businesses that are out-of-step with the progressive agenda. We have the power to use this money to reward companies that are in step. We owe it to the future of our children and the planet to use this power.” The Suffolk County Association of Municipal Employees issued a report that predicts the Public Employees’ Common Retirement Fund would lose $2.8 billion over the next 20 years if the Governor has his way.

In an alternative approach to revitalizing the economy and attaining social justice, the State of California has decided to offer financial aid to aspiring marijuana entrepreneurs. Preference will be given to minority applicants who have prison records. Greg Minor, Assistant to the City Administrator – Special Permits and Nuisance Abatement, explained that “it makes sense to prioritize who gets the aid. Guys who have been incarcerated for trafficking in drugs know the product, know how to market it, and strike me as more likely to succeed. In addition, these ex-cons have paid their debt to society. Letting them go to the head of the line helps society pay its debt for the wrongs it has inflicted on these people.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Singer Says Trump Tax Cuts “Unfair”

JohnBy John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

This week, retired singer Barbra Streisand took to Twitter to vent against the recently passed tax cuts saying that “blue states, athletes, actors, writers, producers, and directors will be punished by this scam of a tax bill. It targets those of us who have earned millions entertaining America. It limits property tax deductions to only a single residence and caps it at $10,000 per year. I, myself, have several homes. I don’t remember exactly how many, but all of them are in the multimillion dollar range and have annual tax bills far in excess of $10,000.”

“What Trump fails to understand is that my fans want me to have the millions I’ve acquired through my talent,” Streisand asserted. “Changing the law to make me pay more in taxes is an injustice. The rich that ought to be targeted are those who gained their fortunes by the crass merchandising of daily necessities like food, fuel, and housing—the kind of things government should be providing gratis to everyone. Hard-working actors and singers who had to claw their way up to where they could charge $10 million to make a movie or $150 per seat at a concert are the elite of the working class and deserve to be better treated by our laws.”

Streisand said she reneged on her August 2016 promise to leave the country if Trump won the election because “traveling is just too hard. I know I could probably avoid the nasty impacts of the tax changes if I moved to another country. Checks for my millions in royalties and returns on my investments could be mailed to me, but I feel I owe it to my fans who can’t escape to stay and, on their behalf, harangue Congress until they impeach the President.”

It seems likely that Streisand will become even more unglued when she catches wind of longtime adviser to Hillary Clinton Philippe Reines’ publicly announced fear that “millennials might become Republican if they notice they don’t have to pay as much taxes. This could be a devastating blow to Democrats who need to keep these voters focused on the outrage of diverting money away from government and into the hands of those who earned it.”

In related news, California Senate President Pro Tempore Kevin de León (D-LA) has introduced a bill that would allow wealthy taxpayers to evade the new federal tax law by redefining payments to the State government as “donations.” The gist of the plan is to establish what he calls “the California Excellence Slush Fund. Payments to this Fund would be available to the government for whatever uses we deem fit. For example, this money could be spent to defend California’s sanctuary status against the invasion of federal authorities seeking to deport people it says are in the country illegally.”

Gore Says Bitter Cold Confirms Global Warming

Former Vice-President Al Gore confidently brushed aside the possibility that this past week’s bitter cold across much of North America might indicate that the global warming he has profitably been hyping for the last 15+ years could be mistaken.

“The theory of global warming, or climate crisis that I now like to call it, postulates that any change in the weather merely confirms the global warming hypothesis,” Gore declared. “The most important action anyone can take at this time is to continue to buy copies of my books and movies explaining how it all fits together.”

Meanwhile, observations of solar output show a pattern of decreasing heat reaching Earth from the sun. Many climate scientists are predicting that a global cooling trend for the next several decades seems more likely than a continuation of the warming trend Gore has been warning must be addressed by massive government regulations aimed at “lowering the excessively indulgent lifestyles enjoyed by Americans.” Strangely, despite railing against the general public’s bad behavior, Gore’s own lifestyle is far more indulgent than that of average American consumers who possess neither energy-guzzling palatial estates nor their own personal jet aircraft.

In another holier-than-thou incident, England’s Prince William urged commoners “to reduce the number of children they bear in order to save the Earth from an excess of surplus population.” That the Prince’s wife is currently pregnant with their third child has led some to call the Prince a hypocrite. The Prince rebuffed the accusation by pointing out that “my children are assured the means to have fruitful and meaningful lives. The same cannot be said for the common run of mankind who must despoil the planet just to make a living.”

Former FBI Director Leaked Classified Memos

In July of 2016, FBI Director James Comey chastised Democratic presidential candidate for her “extremely careless handling of classified emails.” It now appears that Comey himself may have been “extremely careless” when he leaked classified memos to a friend with instructions that they be subsequently leaked to the media in the hope that it would lead to the appointment of his friend Robert Mueller as Special Counsel.

This week, David Hardy, Chief FOIA Officer of the FBI, made out a sworn statement that “all of Director Comey’s memos were classified when they were written and remain classified to this day. For someone as well-informed as the Director to distribute these memos to a person or persons lacking the proper security clearance would constitute gross negligence and disregard of the statutes controlling who has legal access to such information.”

Ironically, an earlier draft of Comey’s July 2016 chastisement cited Mrs. Clinton’s criminal “gross negligence” in her handling of classified material sent through unsecured channels to her private off-site computer, a number of which ended up in the possession of convicted “sexter” former Congressman Anthony Weiner. Previously, Mrs. Clinton has said that she asked her aide Huma Abedin, who is married to Weiner, to send her emails—some of which were classified—to her home computer so they could be printed out. Last month, Abedin’s cousin Omar Amanat was convicted of financial fraud. Previously, Amanat was involved in a $300 million real estate project with Vladislav Doronin, a man referred to in the British press as the “Russian Donald Trump.”

Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) called this recent turn of events “extremely frightening. Technically, Comey may have broken the law by sharing classified info with the media, but he was in a tough spot. A man who the FBI did its utmost to try to prevent being elected president was his boss when he leaked those memos. I believe he was trying to save the nation from a grievous error committed by voters who were duped by Russian propaganda into to turning against Secretary Clinton. I feel more strongly than ever that we have to oust Trump and get someone in there who will pardon Comey and those other patriots who tried to save the nation from falling into the hands of this madman.”

In related news, James Clapper, Director of National Intelligence during the Obama Administration, called President Trump’s complaints about the FBI spying on his campaign and manufacturing false “evidence” aimed at undermining his Administration “reprehensible and disturbing. While the agency’s actions may not have strictly adhered to the law, there can be no question that their intentions were honorable. As they saw it, Trump threatened everything they fought for during their years in government. At worst, they are guilty of justifiable intervention in an attempt to save the country from a madman.”

Dire Economic News Heartens Dems 2018 Election Hopes

A trio of recently released economic statistics have boosted Democratic hopes of retaking the majority in the House and Senate later this year. First, in December, private employers increased payrolls by stepping up hiring and reducing layoffs. Second, unemployment among blacks fell to the lowest level since 1972. Third, the number of Americans on food stamps fell by two million.

Democratic National Committee Chairman Tom Perez labeled these statistics “the starkest of warnings concerning the sad fate in store for average Americans under Republican government. Millions are being forced out of the social safety net so meticulously constructed for them by the Democratic Party and into the harsh world of imposed self-sufficiency. In just one year alone two million Americans have been bumped from the food stamp program. Instead of having the government put food on their tables these poor souls will now have to do it themselves.”

“We are especially concerned about the racist implications of herding more blacks into the labor force,” Perez said. “This return to the type of slavery to which blacks were subjugated prior to the Civil War is a barbarous reversal of the freedoms Democrats extended under the Great Society welfare programs initiated when Lyndon Johnson was president. Republicans should be ashamed.”

“As tough as these policies may be on our base over the next ten months, they bode well for our chances of prevailing in November,” Perez continued. “If we can successfully portray the election as a choice between labor vs. leisure we believe we can muster a majority of voters to reject the changes the GOP is foisting on our constituents. Admittedly, motivating a base that has already rejected effort as their responsibility seems daunting. Getting people unaccustomed to supporting themselves to make the minimal effort to cast a ballot will be no easy task, but it is one we must undertake if we want to keep America on the path laid out by successive generations of Democratic government.”

To help promulgate this message, Congressional Democrats are planning to conduct “teach-ins” on Martin Luther King Day. “We plan to rally Americans against the Trump tax cuts that are overturning a way of life that requires the redistribution of wealth by government,” House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) said. “We need to boost government spending on social benefits to ensure that a person’s choice to take a job is not due to the duress of needing money to support herself and her children. The option to work or not work must be free from any form of coercion. Only generous and unconditional entitlements can do that.”

Cars Burned to Celebrate New Year

In France, burning cars on New Year’s Eve is becoming more popular. This year’s toll of 1,031 vehicles torched, predominately by Muslims residing in the country, topped last year’s 935. French Sociologist Michel Wieviorka maintains that we should consider these arsonists as “playful rather than criminal in nature. The vandals are mostly young men of foreign heritage coming from countries where automobiles are rare. On the one hand, there is a genuine and warranted expression of rage at a society in which cars are available to some, but not all. They are hitting out at the injustice of a system that distributes these vehicles based on the ability to pay for them.”

“On the other hand, setting vehicles on fire and running away seems like great fun,” Wieviorka observed. “And the risk of arrest is minimal. Burning cars are such a normal event on New Year’s Eve now that police shrug them off. For example, last year, when more than 900 bars were set ablaze the Interior Ministry reported that the New Year’s celebrations had gone off ‘without incident.’ Rather than get ourselves worked up over it, we should adapt to the cultural enrichment these immigrants are bringing to France.”

Meanwhile, a fire at the Chappaqua home of former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is reported to have destroyed all of the personal emails from her tour of duty at the State Department. A heartbroken Mrs. Clinton expressed regrets that “my decision to delete these precious memories from the official files I turned over when I left now means that there is no way to recover the correspondence leading up to my daughter’s wedding or the heart-felt chats I had with my yoga buddies and Clinton Foundation donors.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Best of Semi-News for 2017

January 8

Man Tortured in Anti-Trump Protest

An 18-year-old mentally challenged man was tortured for two days by Black Lives Matter-inspired criminals as ”a protest against the racist Trump Administration.” Four Chicago millenials—Jordan Hill, 18, Tesfaye Cooper, 18, Brittany Covington, 18, and Tanishia Covington, 24 beat, kicked, burned, and cut their victim while shouting “f*** Trump” and “f*** white people.”

Members of the leftist media at CNN and NBC were hesitant to judge the perpetrators too harshly. NBC News correspondent Ron Mott said “this incident strikes me as an example of youthful stupidity rather than a crime, per se. They posted a video of their interactions with this individual they took into their home. If their intent had been criminal why would they broadcast their escapade?”

CNN political commentator Symone Sanders, a former adviser to Sen. Bernie Sanders presidential campaign, blamed the assailants actions on “Trump stirring up hostility in people across the country with his hate-filled rhetoric. It is Trump who has threatened to cut off people’s welfare and force them to get jobs. That they would strike out in fear and anger is understandable.”

Sanders also dismissed racism as a motive. “First, all the people charged with this man’s mistreatment are black,” she pointed out. “There is considerable scholarly debate as to whether it is possible for a black person to be racist. Second, as I understand it, the victim was chosen because of his mental disability, not his skin color.” Sanders said that the fact that the perps appeared on their own video shouting “f*** white people” was “not relevant,” since “this is a sentiment shared by all the black people I know. It’s just the way we talk among ourselves.”

CNN host Don Lemon rebuffed his interviewee Matt Lewis’ contention that “it’s evil. It’s brutality. It’s man’s inhumanity to man” and blamed the kidnapping and torture on “the poor parenting of these misguided young people. I don’t think it’s evil. ‘Evil’ is Trump becoming this nation’s president in two weeks.”

CNN reporter Sara Ganim couldn’t stop herself from laughing at the Facebook video of the victim’s torments. “My favorite part was where they made him drink out of the toilet,” she recounted. “The retard deserved it. He voted for Trump.”

White House press secretary Josh Earnest observed that “the beating demonstrates a level of depravity that is an outrage to a lot of Americans. On the other hand, there are also a lot of Americans who would hold that the injuries inflicted on this one white man are insufficient payback for 300 years of slavery and Jim Crow laws.”

Senator Has Concerns About Education Nominee

Sen. Patty Murray (D-WA), ranking Democrat on the Senate Health, Education, Labor, and Pensions Committee expressed doubts about the fitness of President-Elect Donald Trump’s nominee for Secretary of Education, Betsy DeVos.

“I appreciate that Ms. DeVos took the time to meet with me, I can’t say that I would have done the same had our roles been reversed,” Murray declared. “At our meeting she did nothing to allay my fears that she would continue to be an advocate for school choice. This pernicious ideology is founded on the absurd premise that individual parents ought to have the biggest say in their children’s education. This is against everything I and the Democratic Party have been fighting for over many years.”

“Education is far too important to be left in the hands of non-experts,” the Senator contended. “For one thing, choice will negate efforts to ensure uniformity. Independently run schools will choose diverse curricula. Parents who choose wisely will give their children an unfair advantage over parents who aren’t as astute in selecting where to send them to be schooled. Those less informed will likely default to just sending their children to the nearest public school. If no one is allowed to choose we will have a better chance at equalizing the opportunities for all.”

“An added concern of mine is that the whole thrust of the drive for school choice is anti-social at its core,” Murray continued. “Many of those who opt for non-public schools harbor deviant political ideas. Letting these parents remove their children from the social mix of the public school student body endangers these children’s future compatibility with their age cohort peers. Alienation is the inevitable outcome for children deprived of the reaffirming social network provided by a common educational experience. Saving these children from such a fate is the duty of those of us elected to protect the most vulnerable members of our society.”

January 15

Obama Orders Cuban Escapees Sent Back

In his last week before leaving office, President Barack Obama overturned a 50-year US Government policy of allowing Cuban refugees who reach our shores to remain in the country. In contrast to the “dreamers” that Obama has declared must not be sent back to Mexico even though they entered the United States illegally, Cubans arriving without visas will be expelled.

“Refugees from Mexico have a legitimate reason for coming to America,” Obama said. “Their country’s economy isn’t providing sufficient jobs or benefits to support their survival. Cubans don’t face this kind of hardship. Their government is dedicated to ensuring social justice. Everyone who wants a job is guaranteed one. Crucial social services like education and medical care are provided free of charge to all Cubans. There is no valid reason for them to want to leave and even less reason to allow these deranged individuals to stay here.”

The move is seen as a key to improving the relationship between Cuba and the United States. “For too long we have assumed an adversarial stance toward our southern neighbor,” the President asserted. “This has blinded us to the very real progress made under the rule of the Castro brothers. Though our previous policy has proven a drain on the Cuban economy by siphoning off people whom the Cuban government has borne the expense for educating and nurturing, the Castro Administration has graciously agreed to readmit its citizens that we return to them. This demonstration of goodwill in the face of the abuse our country has heaped upon Cuba over the years is an encouraging sign of the brighter future both countries can look forward to in the decades to come.”

January 22

The Media Strikes Back at Trump

Stung by the network’s public humiliation as “fake news” by Donald Trump in last week’s press conference, CNN’s top executive, Jeff Zucker, vowed to strike back.

“What Trump failed to consider is that cutting us off from direct access doesn’t affect our ability to shape how viewers will perceive him,” Zucker pointed out. “As he should know by now, his actual words and deeds pose no constraint on our reporting. And even though our audience share may be shrinking overall, we still dominate in public venues like airports and gyms. Further, there’s only one television network that is seen in Beijing, Moscow, Seoul, Tokyo, Pyongyang, Baghdad, Tehran, and Damascus — and that’s CNN. We can poison his reputation around the world and he will be helpless to prevent it. At the very least we can ensure that his foreign policy is a failure.”

CNN talking head Wolf Blitzer reminded the crazed segment of the network’s audience that “if something were to happen to Trump, Pence, Ryan, and McConnell before the transfer of power is completed a member of the Obama Administration would assume the presidency. So, it’s not too late to avert the tragic miscarriage of justice inflicted on America by Russia’s hacking of the election.”

Kyle Pope, editor of the Columbia Journalism Review, wrote an open letter from “the US press corps” in which he warned Trump that “we have the upper hand. We make the rules. We decide what is true. We decide how much airtime or column inches you and your henchmen will get. You are only one man. We are legion. You will come out the worse for identifying us as your enemies.”

January 29

Dems Assail Trump’s Immigration and Refugee Policies

Illinois Sen. Dick Durbin (D) charged that “Trump’s moves against immigrants will make America less safe. If the jihadis were angry before, they’ll surely be enraged by the Administration’s efforts to block their entry into this country. Similarly, what does he expect to happen when he cracks down on sanctuary cities that are trying to keep the feds from deporting the criminals they’ve been shielding? If they fear they can be easily deported they’ll have nothing left to lose and could go on a spree that will increase the carnage in these cities.”

Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) in echo of Durbin’s words, remarked that “these moves threaten the fabric of our society that President Obama worked so hard to establish. Welcoming the poor and disaffected is our social obligation. America has the resources and the duty to share our wealth with all those who have less. Even more important is respecting the religious freedom of Muslims to follow their sacred teachings to spread their faith across the globe. Just because their methods are different from those that Christians have become used to doesn’t warrant excluding them from traveling to countries not yet claimed for Allah.”

New York City Mayor Bill DeBlasio decried Trump’s plan to withhold federal subsidies to cities that thwart the enforcement of the nation’s immigration laws by declaring they will provide sanctuary for wanted illegal aliens. “No prior administration has sought to use financial leverage against any city’s right to select which laws they wish to enforce in their community,” the Mayor falsely alleged. “Trump makes a big deal about us harboring criminals among those we’ve granted sanctuary. What he fails to consider is that the thieves he maligns are family breadwinners. We will protect these breadwinners from Trump’s tyranny.”

February 5

Berkeley Mayor Justifies Riots

While Berkeley Mayor Jesse Arreguin expressed regret that “the anger of those opposed to allowing a hateful white nationalist to speak may have been a little too exuberant, we must acknowledge their constitutional right to prevent the airing of unacceptable views on the University campus.”

Breitbart reporter Milo Yiannopoulos’ sold-out speech had to be canceled when 150 masked men went on a rampage blocking traffic, vandalizing the University, attacking police, and assaulting individuals who came to hear the speech.

President Trump’s post-riot suggestion that “the suppression of free speech at a heavily-subsidized public university raises questions about the continued federal role in contributing to these subsidies” sparked the Mayor’s anger. “Mr. Trump’s perspective on freedom of speech is ignorantly one-sided,” he said. “Sure, he is all for the promulgation of Yiannopoulos’ twisted ideas, but what of the rights of those who don’t want to hear them? Shouldn’t the majority of the students’ preference to silence his hateful messenger rule the day?”

“Perhaps the biggest irony of the whole event is that Yiannopoulos is himself gay,” Arreguin observed. “He is a member of a group that the protesters were trying to support by shutting down his speech. He may be feeling aggrieved in the short run, but will benefit in the long run if the Trump tyranny is disrupted by the patriotic actions of those in the streets fighting for social justice. That is why I gave police the order to ‘stand down’ and let events take their natural course. A decision that I feel was vindicated by the absence of any fatalities and only a minimal $100,000 in property damage.”

A similar stance toward rioting was exhibited in Pakistan where Judge Chaudhry Muhammad Azam dismissed charges against 115 Muslim men accused of a rampage that burned the homes of 150 Christian families. “Given the unanimous testimony of the 115 accused that they did not commit a crime, I have no other option but to drop the charges,” Azam declared. “Under our law, the testimony of one Muslim is worth four times the testimony of an unbeliever. Since there weren’t enough survivors among the alleged victims to produce the requisite minimum of 460 witnesses to rebut the 115 true believers the case cannot go forward.”

In related news, a speaker at a Black Lives Matter rally against the Trump Administration drew wild cheers from the crowd when she suggested “we need to start killing people. Smashing windows and burning stuff is a good beginning, but white people won’t take us serious if we don’t kill some of them.”

February 12

Warren Condemns Trump’s Deplorable Xenophobia

Seeking to gain a leg up on other potential Democratic Party aspirants for the 2020 nomination, Sen. Elizabeth Warren (Mass) excoriated the Trump Administration’s “deplorable xenophobia in placing the interests of American citizens ahead of the interests of humanity.”

“Hillary warned us of the transcendent evil that Trump poses to the progressive values President Obama strove to embed in our government’s policies,” Warren screeched in her Senate tirade against the confirmation of Sen. Jeff Sessions as the new US Attorney General. “By confirming Sessions the Senate has embedded diametrically opposed values. Putting Americans ahead of immigrants is, as the US Ninth Circuit Court has ruled, unconstitutionally denies them their human right to seek sustenance wherever they might find it.”

Warren took offense that one of Sessions’ comments urging American corporations to hire Americans did not derail his confirmation. “I am ashamed that my GOP colleagues have elevated a racist to be the nation’s top law enforcement officer,” she said. “My only consolation is that the Republican Party will pay dearly at the polls when voters rise up to oust these moral cretins from power in the next election.”

February 19

CNN Chief Boasts Daily “Two-Minute Hate” of Trump Boosts Morale

CNN president Jeff Zucker admitted that “having the President of the United States impugn our integrity at every opportunity has battered the psyches of many of our network’s employees. We are the ones who determine the facts. We are the ones who impugn the integrity of those who don’t advance the progressive agenda. Trump’s rejection of our traditional role is a reversal that has hit us hard.”

“Our morale since that black day in November has been in the dumpster,” Zucker observed. “But we are turning it around. Thanks to a suggestion emailed to us by a viewer, we have instituted a daily ‘two-minute hate’ of Trump that has seemed to revive flagging spirits around the network. Wolf and Jake tell me it that it’s like a hit of crack that has helped restore their focus and given them the energy to persevere in our mission.”

“I don’t like to think of myself as someone who can hate another person,” CNN reporter Jake Tapper said. “It’s not a feeling I came close to experiencing in eight years of covering the Obama Administration. Not even the Republicans inspired such an intense animosity. They were powerless and cowed by the fear that a bad report from us could destroy their reputations. There was no need to hate them, but Trump, obviously, is different. The daily hate is energizing. My biggest regret is that we didn’t think of doing this before this monster was elected.”

February 26

Sweden in Throes of Islamic Crime Wave

Sweden has long been admired by the left as a model society. This Scandinavian “Eden” has avoided getting embroiled in foreign wars. They were even able to get along with the Nazis when so many other countries couldn’t. Their socially tolerant attitudes led them to admit hundreds of thousands of Muslim immigrants.

This past week, US President Donald Trump referenced “what’s going on in Sweden” in support of his efforts to exercise greater scrutiny over who is allowed into America. The media characterized Trump’s statement as “false” or “delusional” since there have been no large scale jihadi terrorist attacks in Sweden.

However, large scale attacks aren’t the only dangerous consequence of Sweden’s generosity toward Muslim immigrants. Since allowing hundreds of thousands of them into the country crime rates have soared, the streets have become unsafe, and frequent disorder has become a mounting problem.

Per Jimmie Akesson and Mattias Karlsson, leaders of the Swedish Democrats Party, sided with Trump. “The situation is worse than he portrayed in his speech,” Karlsson contended. “Police officers, firefighters and ambulance personnel are regularly attacked. Anti-Semitism has risen. Jews in are threatened, harassed and assaulted in the streets. Cars left unguarded are routinely set on fire. Muslim men comprise 2% of the population in Sweden, but commit 77% of the rapes. The government officials who brought this on with their careless immigration policies are in a state of denial about the Hell they’ve unleashed on our citizens.”

Sweden’s justice and migration minister Morgan Johansson denounced Akesson and Karlsson for spreading what he insisted was “an inaccurate and unflattering picture of our country. The damage done to tourism from these unwanted reports of immigrant unrest goes far beyond the damage done by the Muslim rioters and criminals. Millions, perhaps billions, in revenues are at stake if this view is allowed to influence people’s decision to visit Sweden. I can think of no punishment too severe for what these two have done.”

Of course, Sweden isn’t the only European country to have suffered from excessive Muslim immigration. Germany’s domestic security and intelligence agency reports that the number of radical Islamists in the country has risen by over 1500% since 2013. In Denmark, a Dane is going on trial for blasphemy because he burned a Koran. The Danish government defended the action as “essential if we hope to head off the kind of rioting that occurred after a Danish newspaper published cartoons lampooning Muhammad in 2005. It is better that one man be publicly punished for this offense than that thousands suffer another outbreak of religious violence.”

March 5

Obama to Receive “Profiles in Courage” Award

The Kennedy Presidential Library’s annual “Profiles in Courage” Award for 2017 will go to former President Barack Obama. The Award, named after the 1957 Pulitzer Prize winning book ghost written for then Massachusetts Democratic Sen. John F. Kennedy, is given to individuals displaying extraordinary political courage by taking an unpopular course of action. The award ceremony will take place in May, when former First Daughter Caroline Kennedy and grandson of the late JFK Jack Schlossberg, bestow the prize.

“Faced with unrelenting adulation and widespread demands that he declare himself ‘president for life,’ President Obama courageously agreed to follow the law and step down after two terms,” Schlossberg said. “This gracious emulation of our nation’s first chief executive put him at odds with the majority of Americans who clearly would have supported his continuation in office as a down payment on the reparations for slavery that he has championed during his political career. That he would exit the presidency in a move that his core constituency would characterize as ‘acting white’ demonstrated an ‘off-the-charts’ level of personal fortitude.”

Obama is the third former president to win the award. In 2001, former President Gerald Ford was honored for the unconditional pardon he granted to Richard Nixon in 1974 for “all offenses that has committed or may have committed or taken part in” while president. In 2014, former President George H.W. Bush was honored for joining with Democrats to break his 1988 campaign pledge of “no new taxes.”

The speed with which the “Profiles in Courage” award was made to Obama mirrored that of his winning the Nobel Peace Prize in 2009. Ironically, the United States was constantly at war for his eight years as president when bragged that he was “really good at killing people” with drone strikes. Schlossberg expressed confidence that there wouldn’t be any similar embarrassment over the “Profiles” award since “the refusal to seize power can’t be undone now that he has surrendered the reins to his successor.”

Dems May Look to “Transracials” to Boost Non-White Staff

Struggling to make the racial composition of staffers more closely resemble the general population, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) is urging more of the 93% who are Caucasian “to look deep into themselves to see if they may be Black, Latino, or Muslim.”

“We have made great strides incorporating transsexuals into the workforce to help boost the female cohort of our staff,” Schumer remarked. “This got me to thinking that there must be a contingent of transracials out there who could help us meet our non-white quota. Maybe Rachel Dolezal was out ahead of the curve on this. I mean, the people that mocked her for declaring herself to be Black may have missed the boat. Who’s to say she is wrong? If a person with a penis can declare himself a woman, then why can’t a person with pale skin declare himself Black? There’s probably more physical evidence for a white person being biologically part Black than there is for a man being part woman.”

Meanwhile, the woman formerly known as Rachel Dolezal has finalized her transition to Black by adopting the name Nkechi Amare Diallo—a West African name that means “gift of god.” Perhaps if more of the Congressional staffers were to simply adopt African names the concerns of Sen. Schumer would be assuaged.

March 12

FBI Director Declares Privacy Not a Right

Fresh off the Wikileaks revelation that the US Government is spying on everyone and his vow to complete the remaining six years of his ten year term, FBI Director James Comey blandly informed the American people that “privacy is not a right to which citizens are entitled.”

“I’m not saying that Americans don’t enjoy a considerable degree of privacy,” Comey said, “but let’s be clear, this is a privilege extended by the government to those who are not under suspicion of criminal or anti-government activities. Government has a moral right and duty to monitor everyone who might represent a threat. To carry out this duty it is imperative that no device have encryption that thwarts government surveillance—as about 40% of devices now do.”

Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) cited President Trump’s objections to being wire-tapped as “prima facie evidence of his unfitness to hold office. Rather than support the surveillance that Director Comey points out is essential to fighting crime and detecting security threats, Trump is siding with this country’s enemies. If, as he says, he is innocent of any wrongdoing he should have no objection to being monitored by the FBI, CIA, NSA, or whoever is trying to keep an eye out for America.”

“Let’s be clear,” Schiff demanded. “Nowhere in the Constitution does it say citizens have a right to privacy. Nowhere in the Constitution does it say government may not spy on the population. That a man elected to the presidency would attempt to argue the opposite is, in my opinion, a cause for concern.”

Former Rep. Dennis Kucinich (D-Ohio), however, disagreed with Schiff, calling Comey’s view “a further precarious step on the ‘slippery slope’ toward totalitarianism. It is shocking that a government official would openly tout a virtually unrestrained invasion of privacy. It is even more shocking that the media are not vociferously opposing such a position. I’m no fan of Donald Trump, but in this case he seems to be on the right side of a critical issue.”

March 19

Turkey Warns Europe

Turkey’s President Recep Tayyip Erdogan warned European governments against moves aimed at resisting Islamization of their countries. “Allah has decreed that all the world belongs to Islam,” he declared. “Acceptance of this reality is the path of peaceful submission to Allah’s will. Efforts to reject this reality will only lead to open warfare and the massacre of the unbelievers.”

Erdogan’s bellicose stance was prompted by the European Union’s decision to allow employers to ban head scarves in their workplaces. “They try to portray it as a safety measure,” Erdogan said. “But the lives that would be saved by such a restriction will be dwarfed by the number of infidels who will be slaughtered because of this affront.”

Erdogan’s first step in retaliation for the “affront” was to instruct Turkey’s Interior Minister Suleyman Soylu to implement an increase in refugees crossing into Europe from Turkey to 15,000 per month. “Let me point out that all of these Muslims will have access to knives, clubs, and stones,” Soylu reminded. “Some will obtain guns. Others will choose to drive vehicles into pedestrians on the streets. It isn’t a question of whether Europe will submit to Islam, but rather when and how they will submit. Will it be peaceful or will it require the deaths of millions before Islam rules all the land?”

March 26

Senator Dubs 1973 Roe vs. Wade “Super Precedent”

In an attempt to disqualify prospective Supreme Court Justice Neil Gorsuch, Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-Calif), the ranking Democrat on the Judiciary Committee, anointed 1973’s Supreme Court decision on Roe vs. Wade a “super precedent” that ought to be “immune from being overturned.”

The Senator rejected the possibility that killing a person without a previous finding of guilt by a jury might be contradictory to the Constitution’s Fifth Amendment. “I am dismayed by Judge Gorsuch’s view that the intentional taking of a human life by private persons is always wrong,” Feinstein lamented. “Surely, he must be aware that there are instances of life that is unworthy of life. The right of individuals to make such a determination and implement the necessary remedy was established by the revolutionary Roe vs. Wade Supreme Court ruling. It is appalling that a person who cannot recognize this eternal truth has been nominated for a seat on that Court.”

Feinstein also ridiculed Gorsuch’s support of the Little Sisters of the Poor’s resistance to fund abortion, calling it “a callous trampling of the rights of women granted by the Courts. The idea that nuns would be permitted to deviate from the policies mandated by our democratically-elected government is a travesty. Society has a right to insist that certain core values be recognized and enforced. We need justices who understand this and can be relied upon to rule in favor of preserving these values. Mr. Gorsuch is not a person we can rely on to do this.”

Neither was Feinstein assuaged by Gorsuch’s contention that legislatures, not judges, should make the laws. “When it comes to the law, legislators are amateurs,” the Senator asserted. “Statutes enacted by legislative bodies are riddled with errors. We must be able to count on the expertise of our judiciary to amend the laws and correct these errors.”

April 2

Congresswoman Defends Government Surveillance of Trump

This week’s revelation by Democratic operative Evelyn Farkas that the Obama Administration had the Trump campaign under surveillance and shared the information gathered with the Hillary Clinton campaign sparked a spirited defense from long-time California Democratic Congresswoman Maxine Waters.

“Many small-minded people focus on the illegality of spying on American citizens for political gain as if that is more important than the fact that a traitor has become this nation’s president,” Waters said. “President Obama put in place an organization that contains a kind of database that no one has ever seen before in life. That’s going to be very very powerful and that database will have information about everything on every individual on ways that it’s never been done before.”

While this colossal invasion of privacy would seem to dwarf the 1972 Watergate scandal in which a small contingent of GOP burglars invaded Democratic Party offices in Washington, DC in pursuit of political files they believed would aid the reelection of President Nixon, Waters contends that “by resigning Nixon essentially confessed to his crimes. In contrast, President Obama left after a scandal-free two full terms in office. No one in the media accused him of any crime. My only regret is that is that the effort he put into accumulating the database was not sufficient to prevent Trump and the Russians from rigging the election in his favor.”

Ironically, thus far, the only solid evidence linking Russia to the 2016 election is the $35 million the Putin Government paid Hillary Campaign Chairman John Podesta in 2011 when he was an adviser to her while she was at the State Department. This is probably not the “Russia conspiracy” that Podesta had in mind when he criticized the media for “not playing it up enough during the campaign.”

April 9

Chelsea Clinton Gives Career Advice

Former First Daughter Chelsea Clinton touted herself as “a working model of what a young woman needs to do to succeed in today’s world. I know that a lot of women in my generation are pretty bummed about my Mom’s loss to Donald Trump. But they need to get off their duffs and get going. Just do what I did.”

“One thing that I highly recommend for others is to get a job with a major television news outlet,” she suggested. “These jobs are very rewarding. My starting salary at NBC News was $600,000. This type of salary will enable any young woman to make a major dent in her student-loan debt.”

“Another good way to get ahead is to serve on corporate boards,” Chelsea recommended. “I’m on two. Expedia pays me $40,000 per year plus $250,000 in stock options. Inter Active Corporation pays me a $300,000 annual retainer. The work is not arduous and doesn’t take much time—just a couple of meetings a year. You don’t even have to say anything at the meetings. You just have to be there. Nod a few times to show interest in what’s being said. It’s a great gig.”

“And don’t overlook the opportunity in doing books,” she added. “Find someone who will write what you tell them to write. The publisher will pay for you to go on a book tour, so you get free travel. You get to go on TV and sit in book stores for a few hours signing autographs in a bunch of different cities. It’s great.”

“Now people are encouraging me to run for president,” Chelsea boasted. “Naturally, I wouldn’t expect everyone to rise as rapidly as I have. Not everyone is blessed with the same set of skills I have. But everyone can try a little harder. If you want money, ask for money. If you want more time for yourself, take it. Men have monopolized these tactics for too long. It’s time women get their fair share. I’ve shown them how to do it.”

April 16

Merkel Explains Terror Policy

Facing a tough reelection campaign, German Chancellor Angela Merkel struggles to convince voters that her open borders approach to Muslim immigrants hasn’t been a disaster. In an interview published in a German magazine this week she insisted “we will never accept terror.”

Some of her critics have contended that “admitting millions of Muslims is a defacto acceptance of terror.” Merkel rebuffed this criticism, saying that “last year only 22 Germans were murdered by Islamic immigrants. In a population of 80 million this is a minuscule casualty rate. Considering that the fear of being attacked by Islamic fanatics has deterred many Germans from unnecessarily leaving home, it’s possible that more lives were saved by having fewer traffic fatalities than were lost by these murders. So, clearly, terror does seem to have some potential positive offsets.”

“My bigger concern is that Germans are not reproducing at a high enough rate to replace those that die of old age,” the Chancellor lamented. “These immigrants will solve that problem. Their willingness to bear children will more than offset our birth dearth. Surely, the loss of a few dozen individuals at the hands of the terrorist portion of the immigrants is not too high a price to pay.”

“I urge all citizens who are concerned about their safety to do what I do,” Merkel advised. “First, forego all unnecessary travel. For the occasions in which this is not possible, beef up your security detail. Never travel on public transit. Always ride in vehicles with bulletproof glass and body armor. Avoid public places like shopping malls, theaters, stadiums, parks, schools, libraries, and the like. Shop by phone or the Internet and have your purchases delivered whenever you can. Have a member of your domestic staff run all errands outside the home. In short, if you are sensibly cautious your chance of being murdered by a terrorist or a common criminal should be acceptably low.”

April 30

Obama Taking “Symbolic Reparations”

Stung by critics who say that former President Barack Obama is showing inordinate greed by accepting fat payments from Wall Street for brief speeches, former Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest argued that “one of the President’s greatest regrets during his time in office was his inability to establish a public program of reparations for America’s historic mistreatment of racial minorities. Rather than just shrug off his disappointment he has decided to individually extract payments to compensate for those injustices.”

“We mustn’t overlook the fact that the $400,000 per speech fees are being paid by white men to a black man,” Earnest pointed out. “We’re confident that every aggrieved person of color will view this as an important symbolic representation of the intent of the reparations movement. Even though they may not personally benefit a member of their race will benefit and that has to make them feel good.”

Earnest took a similar view of the $65 million book deal Barack and his wife landed with Random House for their memoirs. This payoff is four times as large as the one snared by Bill Clinton and six times higher than the one George W. Bush received. “A black man getting paid more than a pair of white men is but another example of President Obama’s tireless efforts to balance the scales of justice,” he contended. “The vicarious satisfaction he is providing to the African-American community is immeasurable.”

Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) called the huge payments “troubling for Democrats. Wall Street has been one of our more reliable sources of campaign money. President Obama raised more money from Wall Street than any other candidate in history and Hillary was a close second. The millions that the former President is now on track to absorb will be dollars that could be better spent on promoting the election of more Democrats. Unless he is going to share some of these fees with the Party I’d have to categorize this as short-sighted and self-serving.”

Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-Vermont) was more blunt, saying “it makes him look like a greedy bastard. Cozying up to Wall Street was what doomed Hillary Clinton’s campaign. How can those of us pushing for social justice gain traction when the most prominent representatives of our philosophy take money from our class enemies? The only mitigating factor may be Lenin’s prediction that the capitalists will furnish the rope we use to hang them.”

May 7

GOP Health Care Bill Called “Death Sentence for Millions”

The House passage of the American Health Care Act, the GOP’s alternative to Obamacare, was labeled a “death sentence for millions” by Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass), “people will die.”

Warren’s view was bolstered by the lamentations of individuals who now fear for their lives if the AHCA becomes law. Mega-celebrity Cher expressed her dismay that the AHCA may not cover her asthma therapy. “How will I get my medicine without Obamacare?” she demanded to know. She dismissed the suggestion that as a millionaire many times over she could easily afford to pay out-of-pocket as “unfair. It is the government’s obligation to take care of everyone’s health. The notion that I should pay because I can afford it denigrates my value as a human being.”

Similarly, model and wife of musician John Legend, Chrissy Teigen blamed Trump “for causing a crippling anxiety that requires me to get botox injections to relax life-threating tensions brought on by this manically insane, incompetent president and this dumpster fire administration.”

“The testimony of these esteemed members of society is evidence that the GOP is on the wrong track when it comes to the health of this country,” Warren declared. “If the well-being of the best of us is threatened just try to imagine how much worse it will be for ordinary people who depend on the government to care for them.”

The Senator was particularly peeved that “the AHCA moves away from vital government mandates that are essential to ensuring that every person gets the health care that experts have determined they need to have. The bill would allow individuals more latitude to decide what coverage they want. It will remove penalties for not purchasing what Obamacare has designated as mandatory services. People could simply decide not to buy insurance without facing a substantial fine. This is the road to anarchy.”

With medical treatment the third leading cause of death in America the Senator’s premise that having the government coerce people into submitting to an approved list of treatments leads to better outcomes is dubious. While it is true that trauma care in emergency rooms clearly saves the lives of many who would otherwise have died, medical errors, the toxic side effects of prescription drugs, and hospital-incurred infections kill many others.

May 14

Trump Gets Preferential Treatment in White House Dining Room

Appalling repression in the White House dining room came to light when the media exposed the scandalous story of how President Trump gets more and better food than other diners. In a Time magazine article it was revealed that at White House dinners Trump gets Diet Coke (everyone else gets water), Trump gets Thousand Island dressing (everyone else gets vinaigrette), Trump gets two scoops of ice cream (everyone else gets one).

CNN’s Jeanne Moos saw this as “unjustifiable discrimination—the kind that makes you wonder whether Trump thinks he’s king.” In support of this theory, Moos cited the fact that “Vice-President Pence doesn’t get any ice cream. He’s only allowed a ‘fruit plate.’ What has he done to get on Trump’s bad side?”

Cristeta Comerford, the White House Executive Chef since 2005, denied there was any discrimination: “anyone who asks is given the same option to choose as the President. You want something other than water? Just ask. You want a different salad dressing? We have many from which you can choose. You want two scoops of ice cream, three scoops, whatever? Just ask.”

Moos contended that “the chef’s response is too convenient to be credible. We need to know who pressured her to come up with this unbelievable alibi. Was she cowed into submission by the very public firing of the FBI Director? Or was her subservient status as a woman of color within a racist administration sufficient to extract the desired cover story? This incident would seem to bolster calls for an independent prosecutor to investigate Trump.”

May 21

Study Shows Journalists Have Defective Brains

A study conducted for the London Press Club by neuroscientist Tara Swart found that journalists have a below-average ability to regulate their emotions, suppress biases, solve complex problems, switch between tasks, and show creative and flexible thinking.

“It’s kind of ironic when you think about it,” Swart observed. “Here we have a profession that is entrusted to inform the general population and sees itself as a guardian of truth. Yet, this study shows their brains are operating at a lower level than those of the average person.”

CNN’s Jim Acosta challenged the study calling it “the worst slander of a profession in the annals of world history. It could hardly be more obvious that Swart is on Putin’s payroll. What she sees as a lack of creative and flexible thinking is refuted by the daily creativity we have shown in generating scandals against Trump and the flexibility we have demonstrated in shifting the focus of public discussion using unverified sources.”

Acosta bragged that “some of our best ideas are born during ‘happy hour.’ Because Trump never imbibes he cuts himself off from this tried and true well of inspiration that writers have used for centuries. Look at the great journalist Hunter Thompson. I’d take his lubricated output over Trump’s soberest thoughts any day of the week.”

Apprised of Acosta’s remarks, Swart replied that “while Mr. Acosta was not part of the group we studied, his comments are consistent with our findings.”

May 28

Democrat Enraged Over Revived Interest in Rich Murder

Long-time Democratic Party operative John Podesta proclaimed former House Speaker Newt Gingrich’s speculation that DNC staffer Seth Rich may have been assassinated “disgusting.”

“After so much time has passed I think it’s likely that we’ll never know why this young man died,” Podesta asserted. “The DC police forgot to ask for surveillance tapes from all the CCTVs in the vicinity of the shooting. They forgot to seek witnesses at the bar Seth visited just before he died. They have his laptop, but since he didn’t have it with him when he was shot I don’t see how it could shed any light on the crime. There just aren’t any more clues to be found.”

Gingrich contended that “the absence of any evidence that Rich was robbed casts doubt over the hastily offered theory that the murder was part of a robbery gone wrong. Since that theory hasn’t solved the case perhaps other theories of the crime should be considered. The emergence of a claim by Kim Dotcom that he worked with Rich to forward DNC emails to Wikileaks and that Rich might have been murdered in retaliation is a plausible alternative theory that, in my opinion, merits examination.”

An alternate theory that might explain Podesta’s rage at the renewed interest in the fate of Seth Rich might be the revelation in one of his emails published by Wikileaks, where he wrote that he was “definitely for making an example of a suspected leaker whether or not we have any real basis for it.” If, as Dotcom claims, Rich was the Wikileaks source, his murder could be “an example” aimed at discouraging other potentially disloyal Democrats.

June 11

Comey Testifies

This week, Former FBI Director James Comey testified before the Senate Intelligence Committee on Thursday. While he confirmed that there is no evidence of any wrongdoing by Trump, he raised the issue of “whether a person so creepy and obnoxious deserves to be president. He is so different in every way from President Obama that I got a queasy feeling just being in the same room with him. I just didn’t know how to react, so I joined the parade of government insiders who have been leaking confidential matters to the media in the hope that someone would rid the nation of this meddlesome interloper.”

“Let me compare and contrast my experience with the previous administration to help make my point,” Comey continued. “When Attorney General Lynch told me that President Obama wanted the FBI to ease up on the Clinton email matter, the directions were clear. When Trump said he hoped that since General Flynn had done nothing illegal that further maligning of his reputation could be dropped, I didn’t know what to do. Was this some sort of code instructing me to have the man ‘whacked?’ I think everyone with experience in government can see how confusing Trump’s behavior is for all of us.”

Under questioning from Sen Rubio (R-Fla), Comey defended his acquiescence to Lynch’s pressure to go easy on Clinton, saying that “compared to how we looked the other way at Holder’s request when hundreds of weapons were delivered to Mexican gangs and subsequently used to murder hundreds of people, it seemed like brushing off Clinton’s unsecure email system and unauthorized deletion of government records was a minor issue.”

After the testimony, Sen. Chris Murphy (D-Conn) contended that “this clearly puts the option of impeachment into play. I mean, how much longer are the Republicans going to sit on their hands given the ammunition this heroic patriot has handed us? Even if there is no evidence of a crime, per se, the impression that there is something that is just not right has to be factored in. We’ve already seen that Trump is out-of-step with the world on climate. Comey has portrayed him as out-of-step with the way things have traditionally been done in government. Is this the kind of person we want as our president for the next three-and-one-half years?”

June 18

Dems Respond to Attempted Massacre of GOP Lawmakers

This week’s rifle assault by former Sanders for President volunteer James Hodgkinson on Republican members of congress practicing for the annual charity baseball game with their Democratic colleagues severely wounded House Majority Whip Steve Scalise (R-La) and injured several others. The assault had apparently been planned after the New York Times published the location of the GOP practice back in April.

Law enforcement authorities profess themselves baffled and unable to conceive of a motive for the attack. Hodgkinson’s Internet post asserting “Trump is a Traitor. Trump Has Destroyed Our Democracy. It’s Time To Destroy Trump & Co.” and the fact that he was a member of “Terminate the Republican Party” Facebook Group was described by Acting FBI Director Andrew McCabe as “too ambiguous and vague to provide much of a clue.”

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) blamed Republicans “for instigating the cycle of violence when they smeared President Bill Clinton for having sex with a White House intern. That a nation’s ruler would have sexual liaisons with a variety of women is a time-honored tradition extending back to David and Bathsheba. More recently President Kennedy hooked up with many nubile young women. This right of rulers was disrespected by Republicans when they impeached our president for being a normal head-of-state.”

“The cycle was reinvigorated when the GOP refused to support President Obama’s transformation of the United States,” Pelosi continued. “At virtually every turn they resisted him—claiming that his programs were unwise or too expensive. Then there was the misogynistic denial of Hillary Clinton’s rightful claim to the presidency. We shouldn’t be surprised that the GOP’s racist, anti-progressive and sexist attitudes have spurred downtrodden individuals like Mr. Hodgkinson, who no doubt was upset by the injustice done to Secretary Clinton, to take desperate measures.”

Malcolm Harris, who writes for The Washington Post called Hodgkinson’s sniper attack “an act of self-defense. As Rep. Pelosi so aptly pointed out, the Republican health care bill will literally kill Americans. So they shouldn’t be surprised if some of their intended victims try to preempt this threat. What saddens me is that Hodgkinson wasn’t a better marksman.”

In Nebraska, Chelsey Gentry-Tipton, chairwoman of the state Democratic Party’s Black Caucus, found the shooting and its aftermath humorous, saying that “watching the congressman crying on live TV about the trauma they experienced—why is this so funny? I’m having a hard time feeling bad for them.”

June 25
European Union Threatens Poland, Hungary

The absence of Islamic terror attacks in Poland and Hungary has been attributed to these countries’ refusal to take in an adequate portion of the flood of Muslim refugees that have swarmed into Europe over the last few years. The leaders of Hungary and Poland think this is a good thing. Hungarian Prime Minster Viktor Orban called these migrants “a poison” and said “every single migrant poses a public security and terror risk.” Polish Prime Minister Beata Szydło called the European Union’s policy of allowing mass migration from the Middle East “folly.”

EU Migration Commissioner Dimitris Avramopoulos slammed the governments of both countries “for not bearing their fair share of the grief that accompanies free migration. It is the policy of the European Union that all member states must accept an allocation of this grief as assigned by the Brussels authorities. Failure to do so will force us to impose sanctions.”

Polish Interior Minister Mariusz Blaszczak vowed his country will “choose the lesser danger of enduring EU sanctions over inviting savages to roam among us assaulting our women, attacking gays, and bombing our public places. We have seen the consequences in countries that have welcomed these migrants—rapes in Sweden, murders in London, nightly riots in Paris—and we say ‘no thanks.’”

Former US President Barack Obama said “this latest deterioration of the unity we all worked so hard for during my administration is disheartening. It’s frustrating that there is no court that can overturn Poland and Hungary’s racist anti-immigration policies like the US courts that have thwarted Trump’s similar animus against Muslims in America. I wish I could do more than urge Chancellor Merkel and President Macron to be patient. We’re working to unseat Trump and install a progressive alternative, but it will take time.”

In related news, the last remaining police station in the Järva area (a suburb of Stockholm with a majority Muslim population) is slated to be closed because “it is too dangerous for police.” Stockholm area regional police chief Ulf Johansson said “we can no longer justify putting our officers’ lives in danger. The area is too violent even for armed police to dare venture outside the building.” As for the Swedes still living in the area, he suggested that “as I understand it, they have the option of converting, submitting to Muslim rule, or moving—if they can get out without being killed. They will, of course, have to leave their non-portable property behind.”

July 2
Iran to Contest Trump Travel Ban

Iran, the world’s top terror sponsor, expressed its “profound disappointment in the US Supreme Court’s decision to allow the Trump Administration to reinstate its ban on travel from Muslim countries to the United States,” and announced its appeal to the World Court at the Hague.

Iranian Foreign Minister Javad Zarif said “our appeal will be founded on the concept of fairness. The United States can project its military power around the world. It has the most weapons and the widest array of means with which to deliver them. Our only viable means of countering this is to infiltrate our warriors into America as refugees, immigrants, and visitors. If the battle for the future of the world is to be a fair one we cannot allow one side to neutralize opposition by such an inequitable policy.”
American Civil Liberties Union spokesman Bertram Petty acknowledged that “Iran’s case is innovative, but not without merit. Iran is a big underdog when matched against US military might. Their long-shot chance at victory hinges on their ability to smuggle jihadis and suicide bombers inside the US borders. If the Trump Administration’s travel ban is allowed to stand Islam’s odds of winning would be greatly diminished—perhaps impossible. I could easily see the World Court vacating the ban in order to produce a more level playing field.”

CIA Director Mike Pompeo called Petty’s speculations “insane. This is not some sporting contest where the winner gets a trophy. It is civilization against vicious murderers. Petty might just as well argue that home security systems unfairly deter or impede criminals from breaking into your home to rob, rape and murder you. The travel ban is a moderate countermeasure aimed at deterring and impeding terrorists who will not shy away from the most barbaric atrocities in their quest to impose their will on the world.”

July 9
Trump Speech Defending “Western Values” Denounced

President Trump’s defense of “western values” in his speech in Poland this week was condemned by a pair of left-wing magazines. The New Republic’s Jeet Heer called it “a paean to white grievance.” The Atlantic’s Peter Beinart called it “an outburst of racial and religious paranoia.”

“Mr. Trump’s unapologetic praise of life, liberty and pursuit of happiness puts ‘white values’ ahead of alternative perspectives,” Heer complained. “His pledge of support for the dignity of every human life is a thinly-veiled jab at a woman’s right to abort her unwanted child. His assumption that it is the hope of every soul to live in freedom insults those who place obedience to the collective above selfish individualism.”

As an illustration of how wrong Trump’s views are, Heer contended that “Trump’s aversion to the steady creep of government bureaucracy that he says drains the vitality and wealth of the people completely misses the mark. It is the bureaucracy’s intervention that prevents those who produce wealth from hogging it all for themselves. It is the bureaucracy that ensures a fairer distribution to all regardless of their role in production.”

Beinhart found “Trump’s assumption that the freedom engendered by white philosophers and politicians encourages creativity and innovation is offensive to the artistic output achieved by persons-of-color living under alternative philosophies and politics. His placement of faith and family ahead of government as the center of our lives rejects the gains that secular progressivism have brought to modern life.”

“Worse still is Trump’s selective endorsement of faith,” Beinhart added. “The faith Trump values is the ‘turn-the-other-cheek’ variety espoused by Jesus. Well, what about the faith Mohammed espoused? How can we consider ourselves culturally diverse if we insist on portraying a faithful Muslim fighting for Islam as an unacceptable life style? Isn’t their genuinely held belief that it is their obligation to convert or slay unbelievers just as valid as a belief that we must do unto others as we would wish them to do unto us?”

Lynch Defends Ending Clinton Email Investigation

Obama Administration Attorney General Loretta Lynch clarified her previous denial of communication with the Clinton campaign with a contention that “there was nothing improper about my assurances that I would not allow the probe into Secretary Clinton’s emails to go too far. Should an AG allow any investigation to go too far? I think promising to prevent that investigation from going too far placed reasonable limits that helped avert a situation where Republicans would be able to gain an unfair advantage during the campaign.”

“As a matter of fact, it was FBI Director James Comey who decided not to forward the case to me back in July of 2016,” Lynch pointed out. “While it looked like he laid out considerable grounds for a potential prosecution for a lengthy series of illegal actions on the part of Secretary Clinton, he decided not to recommend prosecution because he saw no intent.”

“Technically, the applicable statutes do not require that we prove intent in order to indict or prosecute someone for illegally using classified information,” Lynch admitted. “That sailor who took photos of the submarine he served on so he could show his children had no intent to subvert national security but he was sent to jail. Then, too, it seems pretty obvious that Secretary Clinton’s intention was to hide some of her questionable emails from prying eyes. I guess different venues can lead to different application of the same laws. All I can say is that the effect on America from incarcerating one lowly sailor is inconsequential. That would not have been the case with Secretary Clinton. She is a very important person and her fate has major consequences for this country. I think taking that into consideration was what probably drove Director Comey to do what he did.”

July 16
Seattle Councilman Says Hosing Excrement off Sidewalk “Racist”

Councilman Larry Gossett bristled at a request for funds to clean human excrement from Seattle’s city streets near the Third Street courthouse, calling it “racist. It’s all part of a pattern of disrespect toward the minority community.”

The request for $8,000 to pay for the cleaning came from King County Sheriff John Urquhart who complained that “public defecation is only part of the problem. The homeless denizens of the area have been assaulting and harassing citizens reporting for jury duty. The jurors are asking judges to excuse them because they’re afraid to come to the courthouse.”

Gossett insisted that “putting the discomfort of white jurors who have access to indoor toilets ahead of the rights of the homeless who do not sends the wrong message to our children.” The Councilman vowed to personally participate in a “sh*t-in” if the funds are appropriated, claiming “it’s turning the other cheek as Jesus asked us to do.”

Councilman Ronald Wussman proposed renaming the street to “Turd Street” as a “compromise,” pointing out that “the new name would serve to alert everyone to the hazards without unnecessarily disrupting the habitat or the behavior of those dwelling in it. In a way, the new name might be seen as an acknowledgment of the contributions this segment of society has made to our community.”

July 23
Congresswoman Negotiating Whether to Cooperate with Investigation

Former Democratic National Committee Chair Rep. Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (Fla) is in the midst of deciding whether or not to cooperate with DC police investigating possible violations of national security laws by her former top information technology (IT) aide, Imran Awan. Awan and several of his relatives are accused of abusing access granted by their Democratic Party employers to obtain and sell classified information.

Thus far, Wasserman-Schultz has been refusing to turnover computers used by Awan so police can examine them. She has claimed exemption from law enforcement saying that “according to the Constitution, members of congress are privileged from arrest. I am not some ordinary bumpkin who can be compelled to undergo police investigation. I’m part of the government. I have superior rights.”

The clause she cited may not be as broad an exemption as she imagines, though. The privilege from arrest applies only to attendance at a congressional session and the trip to and from that session. Further, there is no privilege in cases of “treason, felony, and breach of the peace.” Inasmuch as hiring ITs who purloin classified information and sell it might reasonably constitute both treason and felony offenses, Wasserman-Schultz’s obstruction of the investigation into these crimes would not seem to be privileged.
“Regardless of the nuances of the law, the computers are in my possession,” the Congresswoman boasted. “Secretary Clinton was allowed to delete part of her emails and smash all her phones rather than be subjected to the kind of invasion of privacy they’re trying to impose on me. As I see it, if they want to see these devices I need a non-revocable grant of full immunity. Then maybe I’ll turn them over.”

July 30
McCain Kills GOP Health Care Bill

Just days after receiving brain surgery to remove a malignant tumor, Sen. John McCain (R-Az) returned to the senate in time to cast his vote killing the so-called “skinny” repeal of Obamacare. McCain joined fellow Republicans Lisa Murkowski (Alaska) and Susan Collins (Maine) to vote with all 48 Democrats for a 51-49 margin against the bill.
The Senator cited “bipartisanship” as his primary motivation. “The original Obamacare legislation was enacted without a single Republican vote,” he pointed out. “For us to repeal any part of it without a single Democratic vote would only continue to spur rancor between the aisles of congress.” McCain said he was “confident that my reach across the aisle on this day will inspire both sides to work together for the good of the American people.”

McCain acknowledged that the “skinny” repeal “would have offered some relief to those suffering from the high premiums and high deductibles Obamacare has inflicted on them, but it wouldn’t have solved all of the ACA’s deficiencies. Worse, it would have sent us back toward a system where individuals would be left free to choose not to buy insurance or to buy plans that do not require the coverage of essential services like gender reassignment surgery. The imprudent may think they don’t need this option, but if we allow them to bypass paying for this coverage they’ll be left holding the bag if the itch to switch ever strikes them.”

“We all know that Obamacare has its faults,” McCain continued. “Fortunately, essential personnel working in government are exempt and have been awarded superior coverage by President Obama’s executive order. This puts members of congress in a position to exercise judgment without the pressures and biases that would accompany any decision that had a direct effect on our own health. It is my hope that a leisurely and dispassionate discussion between Republicans and Democrats will produce a comprehensive reform.”

A teary-eyed Senate Minority Leader praised McCain’s vote. Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY) called it “the most courageous act I have ever personally witnessed. He has sacrificed his political future to rescue former President Obama’s signature legacy. His stand for bipartisanship will forever protect the Affordable Care Act from repeal or adulteration as long as Democrats remain solidly against every GOP attempt to alter it.”

Deputy Chairman of the Democratic Nation Committee Rep. Keith Ellison (Minn) vowed to be one of those Democrats and “stand strong against Republican efforts to derail the progress President Obama has bestowed upon America. We need a truly comprehensive health care system like they’ve had in Cuba for the last 50 years. And I won’t rest until we do.”

Meanwhile, former House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) and former Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Va) admitted that “all the votes to repeal Obamacare while Obama was president were just for show. We knew he would veto whatever we passed. The Democrats in the senate cooperated by refraining from filibustering the repeal. We placated our base. The Democrats got to portray us as cold-hearted bastards. It was a win-win for both parties.”

August 13
Congresswoman Has Plan to Avert War with North Korea

Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif) has a simple plan for deescalating tensions between the US and North Korea: “give them what they want.” she acknowledged that “we may not know specifically what that is, but surely it has to be a better option than going to war.”
“Look, Korea is a small, far away country,” Waters observed. “From what I understand it is a very poor place. We could probably feed, house, and clothe everyone in it for less than it would cost to bomb them. If we could ensure Kim that all the material needs of his people could easily be met via a generous foreign aid package, what reason would he have for wanting nuclear weapons?”

In support of her recommendation, the Congresswoman cited “the pacifying effects that our domestic welfare program has had upon the poor in our own country. We don’t see any of them trying to get nuclear weapons or threatening to turn America into ashes. I’d say this experience provides the guidance we need to construct a more successful foreign policy.”

Former President Barack Obama’s National Security adviser, Susan Rice, hailed Waters’ suggestion, calling it “a breath of fresh air. As both Presidents Clinton and Obama realized, a nuclear armed North Korea would be in a better position to demand social justice from the West. The disproportionate distribution of wealth that currently exists between our two countries needs to be rectified. The ability of North Korea to do serious damage to the United States is a key element in forcing a long overdue reallocation. That Trump would attempt to turn this leverage into an excuse for a military response that would defend an unjust status quo is a crime against humanity.”

August 27
Study Shows More Registered Voters than Adult Citizens

Data from the U.S. Census Bureau analyzed by Judicial Watch’s Election Integrity Project found that there are 3.5 million more registered voters in America than there are citizens if voting age. More than 40% of these “ghost voters” were found in two California counties—700,000 in Los Angeles County and 800,000 in San Diego County.

Of course, not every citizen eligible to vote actually registers to vote. So, the potential over-registration is even larger than these figures imply. The potential for election fraud would seem to be huge. Nevertheless, Democrats adamantly deny that any significant fraud is taking place. The Brennan Center for Justice contends that it has conclusively proven that allegations of widespread fraud are “baseless.” And the New York Times asserts that “there is essentially no voter fraud in America.”

Given the confidence that Democratic partisans have that there is no election fraud it is puzzling that they hold such animosity toward President Trump’s Election Integrity Panel. If the evidence is so overwhelmingly against the idea that fraud exists wouldn’t the Panel end up confirming their contention?

California Secretary of State Alex Padilla rejected the need for investigation saying “it makes as much sense as the Administration’s suggestion that global warming be the topic of a policy debate. It seems that every informed person but Trump knows that global warming is proven science. Likewise, every properly informed person but Trump knows there is no election fraud. Bucking this consensus is a waste of time and money.”

Padilla explained the apparent over-registration endemic in his state as “an enigmatic anomaly. Even if we could figure out why there are millions of bogus registrations there is no proof that any of these resulted in ballots being cast.”

The absence of “proof” may owe a lot to procedures barring use of photo IDs as a step toward verifying the identity of those casting ballots at the polls or by mail. Even the matching of signatures on mailed ballots with signatures on voter registration forms has been challenged by the ACLU as “disenfranchising.”

ACLU spokesman Bertram Petty said “requiring a voter to prove his or her identity is humiliating. It puts procedural technicalities ahead of the obvious truth that a human being has a natural right to elect those who rule him. To deny a person the right to vote because he doesn’t reside in the district or isn’t a citizen is a violation of his human rights. So, what we are saying is that, in the big picture, all the ID rigmarole is aimed at suppressing the vote.”

September 10
Justice Dept Declines to Press Charges Against IRS Official

Assistant Attorney General Kevin Boyd announced that the Trump Administration will not be pursuing charges against former IRS executive Lois Lerner for discriminating against conservative organizations seeking tax-free status from the Agency.

While conceding that Lerner’s refusal to testify on the grounds it would be self-incriminating was, in effect a “smoking gun,” Boyd insisted that “the prosecution of a government functionary for carrying out the wishes of the president would be excessively punitive and set a dangerous precedent. A person entering the ranks of an administration shouldn’t have to be second-guessing every decision—is it right, is it wrong, is it legal or illegal. That would slow the gears by which the president’s will prevails in the making of policy.”

“Ideally, the chief executive is the one who should be held accountable,” Boyd argued. “Difficult as this might be given that the president can order enemies to be killed, nevertheless, it is a basic principle of our Constitution. The proper remedy would be impeachment. Since the person responsible for the IRS’ illegal acts is no longer in office the entire matter is now moot.”

Rep. Kevin Brady (R-Tex), chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee, called the decision not to pursue the case “terrible. It sends the message that the same legal, ethical, and Constitutional standards we all live by do not apply to Washington political appointees—who will now have the green light to target Americans for their political beliefs and mislead investigators without ever being held accountable for their lawlessness.”

September 17
Weiner Pleads for Leniency

Former congressman Anthony Weiner (D-NY) asked a Manhattan federal court to grant him leniency after his conviction for sending obscene emails and texts to an under-aged 15-year-old girl last year. Prosecutors are seeking a sentence of 21 to 27 months for a charge that carries a maximum of 10 years in prison.

Weiner’s lawyers argued that “the girl was the instigator of the crime. She preyed upon the weaknesses of a man who was widely known as a sex pervert. Now she’s written a book and will profit from the experience. So, to say that she was an innocent victim is false.”

A second mitigating factor cited was “the fact is, Mr. Weiner’s wife has already suffered enough. Her political career has been crushed. She’s lost the confidence and affection of former Secretary of State, and the only person she truly loves, Hillary Clinton. Under the State of New York’s community property law, her suffering ought to be credited against her husband’s legal liability.”

A third mitigating factor cited was that “given the narrow margin of her loss, it could be argued that the untimely revelation of Mr. Weiner’s misdeeds tipped the scales against Mrs. Clinton in her run against Donald Trump for the presidency. Surely, the misery now being experienced by this dedicated public servant and her supporters is sufficient punishment without putting Mr. Weiner behind bars.”

Lastly, Weiner’s lawyers argued that “putting this man in jail will deprive his son of his father’s presence. The boy’s development would be stunted without the daily interaction and guidance his father would be able to provide if he is allowed to go free. Who will teach the boy how to be a man? Who will teach the boy the difference between right and wrong? For the sake of this young boy’s future he needs his father.”

September 24
Sanders’ “Medicare for All Act” Gains Support

Vermont Socialist Sen. Bernie Sanders’ “Medicare for All Act” has been gaining support from a growing number of Democrats. His bill would establish a single-payer health care system and outlaw private medical practice.

“The current system is too complicated and confusing,” Sanders contends. “My bill would simplify everything by placing all the responsibility and control in the hands of the government. Disputes over what care is warranted would be eliminated. The decisions regarding who can be treated will be consolidated in a single authority. Everyone would get the care that best serves the collective needs of society. No individual would be permitted to opt out or seek to obtain care outside the system. All—rich and poor alike—would be subject to the same standardized therapies. No resources would be wasted on persons of no social value.”

Sen. Tammy Baldwin (D-Wis) was enthusiastic. “Having the government totally control who gets treatment and who doesn’t will work to bring about greater social solidarity and compliance,” she said. “Once everyone realizes that their access to care depends solely on the government they will be more motivated to cooperate with the government lest they render themselves ineligible as ‘socially undesirable elements.’ Not even the rich will be allowed to dodge the regime by purchasing services not covered from private practitioners because there will no longer be any private doctors.”

Baldwin admitted that “even were this bill to become law we couldn’t immediately prevent people from going outside the country’s borders to seek care outlawed by the nationalized system, as many living under Canada’s single-payer system have done. But looking down the road to the next Democratic Administration a presidential executive action could ban travel for medical reasons for being inconsistent with the intent of the single-payer law. And NSA could monitor private communications to spot likely offenders before they could escape the country.”

October 1
Trump Tax Plan “Death Blow” to High-Tax States

A feature of the Trump Administration’s proposed tax reform plan that has stirred fear among governors of high-tax states is the elimination of deductions for state income and property taxes. New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D) called it a “death blow” for his state.
“New York has traditionally relied on high taxes to fund the services we provide for our population,” the Governor pointed out. “Resistance to these tax high rates has been moderated by the fact that deductions from federal taxes has helped pass some of the burden onto to states that have lower taxes. If we lose that deduction more New Yorkers will object to our state’s taxes.”

Cuomo complained that the Trump plan’s replacement of state tax deductions with larger standard deductions ($12,000 for single filers and $24,000 for joint filers) “is unfair to our residents. Right now, the average deduction for state taxes for Manhattan residents is nearly $25,000. Trump’s plan would allow the same standard deduction for filers living in all states. A perk that has been enjoyed by New Yorkers for decades would be dissipated into a universally shared equal benefit. How will people afford to live in New York if they’re to be treated the same as residents in other states?”

New York Republican Reps. Dan Donovan and Peter King joined Cuomo’s complaint asserting that “to treat New Yorkers like everyone else is unAmerican. Our state has grown accustomed to a special status. New York City would not be a world-class city without the tax-subsidy the current code allows. We will ally with Republicans from other high-tax states and Democrats to make sure Trump’s plan is killed.”

California is the biggest high-tax state. It currently receives a $100 billion subsidy per year under the current tax code. Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-Calif) called the subsidy “critical to sustaining my state’s status as the wealthiest in the United States. I cannot abide a tax reform that would change this even if it treats all states equally. California voters didn’t elect me to achieve fairness to other states. They expect me to defend our entitlements and that’s what I’m going to do.”

Feinstein also cited a recent report published by the Federation for American Immigration Reform (FAIR) showing that illegal immigration costs American taxpayers $135 billion per year as further inspiration for her opposition to Trump’s proposal. “As a sanctuary state, California has to bear a disproportionate share of this cost,” the Senator observed. “If we lose the federal deduction for state taxes our ability to continue as a haven for these immigrants would be threatened.”ave with the states. We are left with no choice except to take the applicants’ word for whether they are citizens.”

October 8
Serial Sexual Harasser Sees Right-Wing Conspiracy

Hollywood big shot Harvey Weinstein took a hint from his good friend Hillary Clinton and blamed a vast right-wing conspiracy for a recent New York Times article detailing his long history as a serial sexual harasser. Hurt that his generous donations to Democratic politicians and payoffs to his victims weren’t sufficient to suppress this information, the bloated movie mogul lamented that his reputation may have been “irretrievably damaged.”

“The unfairness of it all just boggles my mind,” Weinstein admitted. “Others have done far worse and come away smelling like a rose. Bill Clinton raped a woman and committed perjury, but is still admired enough to land half-million dollar speaking gigs. I never raped anyone. Why am I being singled out?”

A clue to Mr. Weinstein’s anomalous fate may have been Hillary’s offhand disparagement of his “measly $600,000 donation to the Clinton Foundation. Others have given much more. Harvey certainly had the means to give more. If he had I might not have suffered the injustice of being denied the presidency. Ironically, if I had won I could’ve pardoned Harvey and put this whole ugly episode behind us.”

In a bid to placate the women he has offended and curry favor with the courts, Weinstein vowed to “channel my anger by driving the NRA out of business” and reminded everyone that he is “making a movie about Trump that is so damning that he will resign in disgrace.” Whether either of these actions will deter lawyers in pursuit of monetary compensation for the aggrieved women Weinstein degraded seems doubtful.

Massacre in Vegas Spurs Gun Control Effort

Like clockwork, the murderous rampage in which a sniper shot more than 500 people, killing 58 of them, from a Las Vegas high-rise hotel last Sunday has inspired renewed calls for gun control legislation. Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) called for “Republicans to join Democrats in order to pass legislation that will once-and-for-all disarm those who have no need for guns.”

From what we know about the alleged shooter it seems unlikely that any gun legislation would be effective in deterring this type of crime. After all, murder is already illegal and carries the most severe penalties under existing laws. A person willing to violate the law against murder does not seem likely to be deterred by adding a weapons violation, especially when mass killers usually are killed in shootouts with law enforcement officers or commit suicide. Another inconvenient fact is that some of the places in the US with the strictest gun control laws and very low rates of National Rifle Association (NRA) membership have disproportionately high rates of gun violence.

Facts and logic did not dissuade Schumer from accusing the NRA with complicity in gun-related deaths. “The NRA has bought the votes of congressmen who oppose reining-in this evil organization,” he argued. The Senator rebuffed “the right to bear arms” as “an obsolete concept. When the Second Amendment was adopted ordinary citizens needed firearms to hunt for food or to defend themselves when help was hours or days away. Well, everyone I know buys their food at a grocery store or restaurant. And with 911, help is only minutes away. The need for individuals to have personal arms just isn’t there anymore.”

Schumer hailed late night comedian Jimmy Kimmel as an example of how civilized people should behave. “He didn’t go out and buy himself a bunch of guns,” the Senator pointed out. “He just beefed up his armed security detail. Not only are the guns protecting Mr. Kimmel in the hands of trained professionals, he is also providing jobs for ex-military and retired police. I call that a win-win solution for America.”

While Schumer expressed outrage that the NRA would provide campaign contributions to legislators who oppose gun control he seemed unperturbed by Planned Parenthood donating to legislators who oppose abortion. Since 1973—the year the US Supreme Court created a universal right to abortion—there have been 1.5 million gun-related deaths vs. 55 million abortion-related deaths. Some of the gun-related deaths were accidental. Some were suicide. But all of the children killed by abortion were intentional homicide.

Statistically, the votes “bought” to oppose abortion have taken a far greater toll on human lives than any votes “bought” by the NRA.

October 15
Presidential Library Won’t Include Obama Documents

The Obama Presidential Library revealed that it won’t be providing any original documents written by Obama. Instead of having the former president’s manuscripts, documents and letters from his tenure in office—items presidential centers around the country all have—the Obama Library will have space for outdoor functions and picnics, a basketball court, recording studio, sledding hill, children’s play garden, and more. The decision has scholars puzzled and disappointed.

University of Chicago Professor of Black Studies Richard Buttkiss could hardly contain his dismay that “the written words of the greatest man to ever walk the Earth will not be available for historians to directly access. It’s as if the apostles had been barred from hearing Jesus speak. It seems like the world will be denied the opportunity to advance to a higher state of consciousness.”

Obama Foundation CEO David Simas explained that “President Obama did not want his legacy to be defined by a sterile preservation of his actual words, but to be a living record that evolves to meet the changing needs of an America on the move. What he wrote or said is not as important as what he meant or intended. By sloughing off the detritus of the past this President’s library will remain eternally relevant.”

Simas advised those who want to keep up with this evolving legacy “to buy his forthcoming books. The genius of this approach is that rather than rely on fallible outsiders to sift through an archive of old documents to craft a history of his era, President Obama will be cornering the market by blocking access to obsolete artifacts. A not insignificant byproduct will, of course, be the higher profits he will garner from book sales and speaking engagements as the sole source of insight for his term in office.”

Carter Offers Self as “Human Shield”

This week, former US President Jimmy Carter offered himself to North Korea’s communist government to “act as a human shield against an attack by the Trump Administration” contending that “even a madman like Trump would surely pull back if he knew an innocent American’s life was at stake.”

Fortunately for the ex-president, North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un rebuffed the offer. “Our might is supreme,” Kim boasted. “We have no need for shields—human or otherwise. Mr. Carter, like all of my enemies, will die at a time and place of my choosing. Even those who to attempt to hide like my brother did will be found and killed by my unstoppable assassins.”

October 22
Evidence of Russian Influence Seeps Out

This week evidence showing Russian bribery aimed at manipulating US Government policies began to trickle into the media sphere. It seems that the State Department’s 2010 decision to permit a Russian-owned uranium firm to acquire 20% of the US supply of this nuclear resource proceeded amid a flurry of donations to the Clinton Foundation.
While FBI field agents uncovered the bribery trail, then Director, Robert Mueller successfully suppressed the investigation obtaining a Department of Justice (DOJ) “gag” order that is still in effect today. This past week, Senator Charles Grassley (R-Iowa), chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee, called for current DOJ Attorney General Jeff Sessions to lift the gag order, but was rebuffed by the Trump appointee.

“There are many complicated issues to consider,” Sessions said. “For one, there is the reputation and privacy of current and formerly highly placed government officials to be taken into account. Right now Robert Mueller is a special counsel looking into other matters. His effectiveness on that assignment could be impeded if he were to be queried on the uranium deal. Another factor that looms large in my mind is whether the Statute of Limitations may have expired on any crimes committed so long ago. Raising issues that couldn’t be tried in court because of this would be fruitless and embarrassing.”
Grassley declared “Sessions’ refusal to lift the suppression of evidence by his AG predecessor is an unacceptable infringement on Congress’ responsibility to scrutinize the actions of the executive branch. Why he is honoring an illegal gag order defies understanding. If we are to ‘drain the swamp’ we must have access to witnesses holding crucial evidence.”

October 29
Salacious Smear of Trump Funded by Dems

After a year of trying to hype the Fusion GPS “dossier” on Donald Trump into alleged “proof” of his illicit collusion with Russia the Democrats have seen the escapade backfire big time. An expose in the Washington Post, of all places, disclosed that the Democratic National Committee paid up to $9 million for the political hit piece. Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, chair of the DNC at the time these payments were made, and Hillary Clinton, Democratic candidate for president at that time, both denied any knowledge of the payments.

Clinton pointed out that “we spent a billion dollars on the campaign. In that context, a $9 million payment to an obscure opposition research outfit was peanuts. Why would I be expected to have any knowledge of it?”

Well, there were a series of progressively desperate tweets from the candidate starting in August 2016 and periodically repeated up to October 31 querying the absence of media coverage of Trump’s supposed collusion with Russia to rig the election. Despite Hillary’s efforts, though, media outlets refused to publish any of the dossier’s content on the grounds that the charges couldn’t be independently verified.

Editors at the Los Angeles Times—one of the 98% of newspapers that endorsed Clinton for president—dismissed the question of who paid for the smear, saying that “who paid is not as pertinent as the seriousness of the charges made in the dossier.” As for the lack of corroboration of any of the “serious” charges, the Times editors asserted that “the leveling of even false allegations in a political campaign is protected freedom of speech. The media must bear a large share of the responsibility for its refusal to go public with the dossier’s details when it could have made a difference in the election’s outcome. A finicky aversion to publish allegations out of an overwrought fear that they might later be proven untrue may have saddled the nation with a man unfit to hold the office of president.”

Obama’s former Director of National Intelligence James Clapper attempted to rescue the situation by arguing that “the absence of evidence behind the dossier’s claims doesn’t preclude the possibility that they might be true. I mean, no one’s produced definitive evidence verifying the existence of ‘big foot,’ but that doesn’t prove the creature doesn’t exist. Our spying on Trump and his associates was never 24/7. They had unobserved moments where they could’ve done the things the dossier said they did. Until they come forward with a persuasive accounting for every minute of their time over the last few years I think we have to assume they’ve got something to hide.”

Former Clinton spokesperson and current CNN contributor Brian Fallon said “the latest kerfuffle over whether the dossier is factual is irrelevant. The more important thing about these types of campaign documents is ‘are they effective.’ If I had known about it before the election I would’ve shouted it to the rooftops. The campaign’s failure to do that exhibited a timidity unbecoming of someone who truly wants to wield political power. In my book, you use every weapon you have to win. After you win no one will dare question whether your tactics were dirty. And if they do, you’ll have numerous tools you can use to make them regret raising the issue.”

White House Press Secretary Sarah Sanders called the recent turn of events “ironic. The scheming of the Democrats reminds me of the whole Watergate affair. Rather than take their issues to voters as President Trump did, they put their energy into concocting a false narrative aimed at muddying up their opponent. Nixon paid ‘plumbers’ to spy on his 1972 election opponent. Even though he was heavily favored to win and did win, his underhanded tactics eventually brought him down. While Mrs. Clinton’s underhanded tactics didn’t win her the election, they may yet bring her down to a worse place than merely being an ‘also ran.’”

November 5
Candidate Discovers She’s Black

Noted Native-American fabulist Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) made an early bid to lock up the Black vote for a prospective 2020 presidential run by discovering that in addition to being part Cherokee she is also part Black.

“Just this last week I was told by a ninth cousin that our great-great-great grandmother was a slave who was serially raped by John Calhoun back in the 1850s and bore him more than a dozen children,” Warren told a Black audience earlier this week. “I am proud to say that I am one of the descendants of one of those children.”

The Senator alleged that “this bond of blood makes me especially qualified to represent those of us who have been oppressed because of the color of our skin. I wish that I would have known of my heritage earlier in my life. I could have opened some more doors for myself. But maybe the momentum from this later realization can open the door of the White House to this belatedly aware biracial woman.”

Warren pledged to “focus on the continuing mistreatment of my people we see in our public institutions. I will work to remove math from the public school curriculum. Studies have shown that Blacks fail this subject at far higher rates than their share of the school population. In this age of computers it is a skill no longer needed to live in modern America. Likewise, I will work to free the Black men who disproportionately fill our prisons. Not acting white shouldn’t be a crime. True diversity realizes the subjectivity of values and doesn’t impose a moral code that is unsuitable for subsets of our society.”

Rev. Al Sharpton, a member of the audience Warren was addressing professed himself to be “tepidly optimistic” about her candidacy. “While I like her program I am not persuaded she would be an authentic spokesperson for Black liberation. I’m thinking maybe Michelle Obama would be a better vehicle for our message, though I do have my reservations concerning her demand that all men be neutered.”

November 19
Socialist Students Reject Food Drive Challenge

At Kent State University in Ohio, two left-wing student clubs—the Young Democratic Socialists of America (YDSA) and the Socialist Collective (SC)–rejected a challenge from Young Americans for Liberty (YAL) and Turning Point USA (TPUSA) to see which organization could gather the most food for poor people in a campus-wide canned food drive.

YDSA chapter co-chair, Ethan Comeriato, explained “While in the short run the food drive would benefit the public our participation would detract from our long-term goal of helping the poor through socialism. The flaw in all charitable giving is that the giver has the option to refuse. In the progressive America toward which we are working the option to refuse will be replaced by government control of all resources. Rather than having to rely on individual generosity to care for the less well off, government experts will dole out the necessities of life for the collective benefit of all.”

Comeriato also labeled the challenge “a capitalistic trick aimed at supporting the false consciousness of individualism. By making the collection of food a competition it obscures the reality that the poor have every right to seize the food they need from those who have a surplus. This is a dangerous idea spewed by dangerous organizations. If the challenge entailed breaking into the homes of the rich and confiscating food for distribution to the poor we’d be all-in.”

YAL chapter president, Kevin Cline, expressed his disappointment of the rebuff, saying “the purpose of our challenge was to extend an olive branch to our ideological counterparts on campus, open up a mutual dialogue and friendly channels of communication, and accomplish some good for our community in the process.”
“Socialists cannot be friendly with capitalists,” Comeriato replied. “These exploiters of the working class must be dispossessed and punished for their crimes against humanity. As Marx proved so long ago, those who resist the revolution for social justice must be reeducated or liquidated, as the people’s tribunals will decide. There is no point to a dialogue with Cline or his ilk when it is people like him that we mean to publicly hang as an example to everyone that we are serious about transforming our country.”

December 3
NBC Sexual Predator Seeks $30 million Payoff

Former “Today Show” star Matt Lauer is threatening to sue NBC for the $30 million balance owed for the one-and-a-half years remaining on his contract with the network. Lauer was summarily fired earlier in the week following a raft of accusations that he sexually assaulted several women in his office.

Lauer’s lawyer, Marvin Tushman maintains that “the firing is a breach of contract. Nothing that my client did was outside the bounds of normal behavior at the network. He wasn’t the only one groping and boffing women at 30 Rock. For the NBC brass to make an issue of it after all these years and to single out Matt while letting others skate is manifestly unfair.”

Tushman argued that “since this kind of behavior from the talent was tolerated over such a long period it created a sort of ‘easement right’ that Matt thought was a perk of the job. The fact that he was allowed to install a special door locking device to prevent his female visitors from escaping implies that management was okay with what he was doing. That none of these women publicly complained until recently was quite naturally interpreted by Matt as implied consent. And why not? He’s a handsome and powerful man. Why wouldn’t he think his attentions were wanted?”

A prospective lawsuit isn’t Lauer’s only option for blunting the financial impacts of his unemployment. He is rumored to be pitching a “tell all” book deal with several publishers. “I’m thinking that ‘Lauer’s Ladies’ might be a good title for both a book and a movie,” the former “Today Show” host mused.

In related news, Fox News personality Geraldo Rivera sort of apologized to Bette Midler after she posted a video from 1991 in which she accused him of drugging and groping her in the 1970s. “We newsmen work in a flirty business,” he asserted. “I like to think of myself as more of a caresser or fondler than a groper. As I recall, Bette was unconscious at the time. So her characterization of me as a ‘groper’ seems harsh and unfair, but I’m a big enough man to take responsibility and I apologize if she feels that I violated her.”

December 10
Trump Recognizes Jerusalem as Israeli Capital

After three previous presidents neglected to abide by legislation ordering the United States to recognize Jerusalem as the capital of Israel, President Trump obeyed the law by announcing that we will be moving our embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem.

The move was denounced by Hezbollah leader Hassan Nasrallah who contends that “this humiliation of 1.5 billion Muslims is immoral and illegal. Allah has given all the world to the Muslims. Trump’s attempt to claim Jerusalem for Satan and his Jewish demons contradicts the eternal laws written in the Quran. Death and sorrow will be the payment extracted from the Jews and their allies.”

Nasrallah’s statement was followed by the vandalization of a Kosher restaurant in Amsterdam. Reinier van Dantzig, who heads the the left-leaning Democrats 66 Party’s faction on the Amsterdam City Council blamed “Trump’s kowtowing to Zionist extremists and ignoring the sensitivities of the Muslim minority that lives among us.” Herman Loonstein, who heads the Federative Jewish Netherlands group, condemned van Dantzig’s statement. “It is not the Jew who owns the restaurant, nor the government of Israel, nor the President of the United States that is responsible,” he said. “It is the man who smashed the windows. Placing the blame where it doesn’t belong was the cowardly and obscene tactic of the Nazis for their Kristallnacht atrocity. We must not emulate their example.”

Sen. Diane Feinstein (D-Calif) also denounced Trump’s decision calling it “an invitation to violence. It’s not so much a question of what is right, but what is prudent. Twenty years ago, I was an idealistic young woman who voted for the law mandating the recognition of Jerusalem as Israel’s capital because it was the right thing to do. I now oppose this because it is the prudent thing to do. Over the last two decades Islam has become much more deadly in its assault against other faiths. Rather than inflame Muslims by challenging their right to rule the world, the safer course is to entangle them in unending negotiations—as has been the policy of our government under the three successive administrations prior to the current one.”

Presidential Press Secretary Sarah Sanders pointed out that “all of the violence carried out by Islamic extremists—the World Trade Center attack, the Orlando nightclub massacre, and the San Bernardino shootings, to name some prominent examples—has occurred during a period in which the United States has refused to recognize the capital chosen by the Israeli government. It doesn’t seem to me that the era of appeasement has been much of a factor in mitigating Islamic violence. Maybe it’s time to try a strong stand and do the right thing.”

In related news, Gerard Araud, the French ambassador to the U.S., took the occasion of December 7 to blame “the refusal of the United States to stop Hitler before his troops invaded France in 1940 led directly to the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor in 1941. If the Americans had come to our aid earlier Japan would not have dared to attack them.” The Ambassador failed to mention that in 1938 France and England assisted Hitler in dismembering Czechoslovakia in the infamous Munich Agreement.

December 17
Exempting Anyone from Funding Abortions “Unconstitutional”

In an op ed for the left-wing Sacramento Bee, Crystal Strait, president of Planned Parenthood Affiliates of California, blasted the Trump Administration’s rollback of an Obama policy mandating that religious organizations must include abortion in the health insurance offered to employees, calling it “a violation of women’s constitutional rights to ‘life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness.’”

“Few things are more stifling to freedom than the burdens of motherhood,” Strait wrote. “Preventing a woman from obtaining an abortion condemns her to a life of subservience to another person. This is tyranny. That President Trump would authorize a change in regulations that exempts groups like the Little Sisters of the Poor from paying for the abortions of pregnant women who work with them, illegally and immorally undermines the grant of freedom given by former President Obama.”

Strait argued that “couching the new rules as an expansion of the freedom of those with religious objections to opt out of financing what they view as ‘murder’ twists the plain meaning of freedom and allows religious prejudices to trample every woman’s right to have someone else pay for this necessary health benefit. Saying that women are free to purchase their own abortions or that others are free to donate funds to aid the poor to get abortions dodges the fundamental issue. Government has the obligation to mandate universal access to our basic rights—either by funding them with tax dollars or compelling employers to fund them.”

Planned Parenthood CEO Cecile Richards suggested that “the kind of backsliding on this fundamental human right we have seen from the Trump Administration might have been averted if more women who have had abortions would do more bragging about them. On the surface, the procedure can seem scary. The fact that there are people who vocally condemn it can be daunting. Words of encouragement from women who have survived the procedure and gone on to fruitful and productive lives should persuade others who might otherwise hesitate to take the plunge.”

December 24
Dems Appalled by Corporate Response to Tax Cut Bill

This week, Congress passed and President Trump signed the Tax Cuts and Jobs Act. The measure reduces taxes on corporations from 35% to 21% and on 80% of taxpaying individuals by smaller percentages. Democratic rhetoric attacking the the legislation predicted a “massive transfer of wealth from the poor to the rich” that would lead to “Armageddon” and “the end of the world.”

Contrary to these predictions, the immediate response by numerous corporations was to announce widespread employee bonuses and plans for substantial increases in investment and hiring. AT&T says it will pay $1,000 bonuses to 200,000 employees. Wells Fargo said it will raise its minimum wage to $15 an hour, and make $400 million in donations to community and nonprofit organizations next year. Boeing, Fifth Third Bancorp, and Comcast each announced additional investments.

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) labeled these actions “an unfair exploitation of a socially unjust law for purely political gain. The notion that private companies should be the ones deciding whether employees get raises or bonuses rejects everything the President Obama was trying to achieve. And the idea that corporations should be the ones determining how much to invest or whether to make charitable contributions is anti-democratic.”

Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) called the legislation “fundamentally unfair. The 50% of Americans who currently have no jobs and pay no income taxes get nothing from this bill. It is a thinly veiled trick to try to compel those who are not in the workforce to give up their free time and get jobs if they want to get a tax cut or corporate bonus. This stinks. The GOP will pay dearly at the polls next November for this cruel tyranny over the most vulnerable segments of society.”

Puerto Rico Gov. Ricardo Rosselló contends that “the money this bill gives to corporations and taxpayers is the rightful property of the poor. And none are poorer than Puerto Ricans. Our island is bankrupt and in greater need of these scarce resources than the businesses and individuals who worked to produce them.” Rosselló vowed to “mobilize every Puerto Rican voter to elect the kind of representatives and senators who can be counted on to expropriate the profiteers and redirect money to support programs that benefit the poorest among us.”

Meanwhile, New Jersey Governor-Elect Phil Murphy (D) says “the legislation is unconstitutional because parts of it are hand-written.” The irony, of course, is that the original Constitution itself is entirely hand-written.

In related news, Bureau of Labor statistics showing the lowest unemployment rate for Blacks in 17 years and the lowest ever for Hispanics greatly dismayed Democrats on the Joint Economic Committee. Sen. Martin Heinrich (D-NM) characterized it as “just more evidence of the complete failure of the Trump Administration to solve the nation’s economic problems. Minorities that previously got along without having to endure wage-slavery were herded into the rat-race by Trump’s maniacal destruction of unnecessary regulations. We are clearly headed for dark times in this country if we don’t take the necessary action to neutralize this enemy of freedom.”

December 31
Differing Attitudes about Vote Fraud

A study by New York University Professor John Kane, published in the latest Public Opinion Quarterly found that Republicans have different attitudes about vote fraud than Democrats do.

“The gist of the findings are that Republicans are more concerned with election integrity while Democrats are more concerned with winning,” Kane said. “In the battery of survey questions we asked, Republicans consistently came down in favor of integrity regardless of whether this would benefit their Party’s candidates. In contrast, Democrats were less interested in integrity if it would mean fewer of their candidates would win.”

J. Christian Adams, president of the Public Interest Legal Foundation contends that “Kane’s study understates the difference between the Parties. Democrats aren’t just ‘less interested’ in integrity. They are flat out in favor of winning by whatever means necessary.”

One of Kane’s Democratic poll respondents appeared to confirm Adams’ contention by pointing out that “strict adherence to majority rule should not impede the transformation to a progressive government. Lenin didn’t balk at overthrowing a democratically elected government in order to achieve true socialism. If freely cast ballots stray from the path necessary to accomplish our goals supplementing them with correctly marked ballots is a less bloody method that our reactionary opponents ought to be more thankful we are using.”

 

 

CNN Analysts Clash

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnThis week, CNN legal analyst Paul Callan acknowledged that Republican concerns about the objectivity of the FBI investigating alleged collusion are justified. “I started out angry at the aspersions being cast upon this venerated law enforcement agency, but the deeper I probed the more substantive the Republican claims became,” Callan said.

“Take this FBI agent Peter Strzok,” Callan began. “First, there’s this trail of texts between him and fellow FBI agent Lisa Page indicating a definite covert scheme during 2016 to undermine the Trump candidacy and an ‘insurance plan’ to undermine his presidency in the event he wins the election. It turns out that Strzok was instrumental in pushing FBI Director James Comey’s decision to exonerate Hillary Clinton for her mishandling of classified emails.”

“Then there’s the $700,000 in Democratic Party funds paid to FBI Deputy Director Andrew McCabe’s wife for her senate campaign,” Callan continued. “Clearly, McCabe should have recused himself from any investigation involving Clinton and the Democratic Party, but he didn’t. Instead he apparently collaborated with Strzok and Page in their scheme to undermine Trump. These are not the behaviors one should expect from impartial law-enforcement officials.”

Later on, CNN legal Analyst Michael Zeldin rejected Callan’s concerns asserting that “my colleague has fallen into the web of Republican deception. The job of the FBI is to protect this country from those who would undermine our form of government. It couldn’t be clearer from both his campaign rhetoric and his actions as president that Donald Trump is as big a threat as there has ever been in this regard. The actions of Strzok, Page, McCabe, Comey were the actions of patriots willing to step outside the lines of legal impartiality for the greater good. Suggestions by the likes of Rep. Rooney (R-FL) that these heroes should be ‘purged’ from the FBI for trying to engineer a ‘coup d’etat’ are the real threat.”

In related news, it now appears that Special Counsel Robert Mueller met secretly with former FBI Director Comey prior to his June 2017 testimony before the Senate Select Committee on Intelligence in which he admitted asking “a friend” to illegally leak a memo he wrote “because I thought that might prompt the appointment of a special counsel.” As luck would have it, that leak led to the appointment of his long-time friend Mueller as the Special Counsel.

First Year Presidential Approval Ratings for Trump vs. Obama

The 2017 Rasmussen year-end poll of presidential approval ratings for President Trump of 46% approve vs. 53% disapprove matched those of his 2009 year-end presidential approval poll of President Obama. In polls taken shortly after each man’s inauguration, Obama’s approval rating was 67% while Trump’s was 59%.

Considering that Trump’s first year had to endure an unrelenting barrage of negative media coverage while Obama received relatively little criticism makes the Rasmussen results all the more amazing. According to the Pew Research Center, Obama received 42% positive coverage vs. only 20% negative coverage. In contrast, Trump received only 5% positive coverage vs. 62% negative coverage.

Trump’s tweet hailing the latest Rasmussen poll numbers was airily dismissed by CNN: “Our weighted average of the polling data shows that Secretary Hillary Clinton won the 2016 election by a landslide. This one Rasmussen poll is clearly an outlier with little credibility or connection to reality.”

NY Gov Says Trump Tax Cut Unconstitutional

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo (D) is weighing a lawsuit to challenge the constitutionality of the recently passed Tax Cuts and Jobs Bill on the grounds that “it has a partisan impact. On paper, the legislation says nothing about political parties. In effect, though, the new law reduces the exemption for state-levied taxes. This hits high-tax states like New York especially hard. Since all the high-tax states are run by Democrats the new law is unfairly discriminatory toward states controlled by Democrats.”

Cuomo brushed aside the suggestion that his state could escape the negative impacts by lowering state taxes, calling it “a less desirable option. Keeping state taxes low is the Republican way of doing things. Mimicking their policy would derail us from our long-term progress toward shifting the control over the nation’s resources out of the hands of selfish individuals and into the unselfish hands of government experts dedicated to social justice. The idea that it is individual people who produce resources through their work and investment is a myth that was convincingly disproved by President Obama when he pointed out that no one builds their own business. Someone else made that happen. That ‘someone else’ is the government. Using tax policy to try to feed that individualistic fantasy is unfair.”

Even before the passage of the Tax Cuts and Jobs Bill New York has been losing residents to low-tax states. In the last seven years more than one million people have left the state—making New York the number one state in net out-migration. E.J. McMahon of the Empire Center, a fiscal watchdog group in New York, cited “lack of economic opportunity upstate and the high cost of living downstate and in New York City. High state and local taxes on income, sales, and property are major contributors to the state’s negative economic environment.”

In related news, French President Emmanuel Macron has been roundly criticized by his country’s left for proposing that unemployment benefits be denied to those who refuse to accept jobs. Under his plan, those who refuse two reasonable job offers or who refuse training will have their benefits halved for two months. Alexis Corbiere of the France Unbowed Party denounced the proposal “as pure capitalistic exploitation. We socialists have worked hard to free our countrymen of the burdens of wage-slavery. We will resist this backward step with all our might.” Under the current French unemployment benefit program 9.6% of the working age population has been more or less permanently relieved of the scourge of wage-slavery.

Congresswoman Bumps Passenger

On a United Airlines flight from Houston to Washington, DC, Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Tex) added another bumped passenger to her growing list. When the passenger complained Jackson labeled her a “racist.”

Jean-Marie Simon, the woman Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee called a racist, is a photojournalist who helped document human-rights abuses in Guatemala during the 1980s. She currently teaches in a private school and is a registered Democrat.

“All that stuff about what she did in Guatemala doesn’t change the fact that she is white,” Lee argued. “All whites are racists. She was probably trying to atone for her whiteness by going to Guatemala. And registering Democrat doesn’t mean anything. It was Democrats who manned the firehouses in Selma. It was Democrats who made the Jim Crow laws. It was Democrats who fought the Civil War to defend slavery. The key thing is that she objected to a black woman taking her seat instead of realizing that it was a small reparation for all the suffering her kind inflicted on my kind over the centuries.”

In related news, Iran’s Supreme Leader, Ali Khamenei praised Black Lives Matter for “their heroic opposition to the wanton murder of black men, women, and children” and urged them “to join the jihad against the Great Satan who oppresses their people.”

Differing Attitudes about Vote Fraud

A study by New York University Professor John Kane, published in the latest Public Opinion Quarterly found that Republicans have different attitudes about vote fraud than Democrats do.

“The gist of the findings are that Republicans are more concerned with election integrity while Democrats are more concerned with winning,” Kane said. “In the battery of survey questions we asked, Republicans consistently came down in favor of integrity regardless of whether this would benefit their Party’s candidates. In contrast, Democrats were less interested in integrity if it would mean fewer of their candidates would win.”

J. Christian Adams, president of the Public Interest Legal Foundation contends that “Kane’s study understates the difference between the Parties. Democrats aren’t just ‘less interested’ in integrity. They are flat out in favor of winning by whatever means necessary.”

One of Kane’s Democratic poll respondents appeared to confirm Adams’ contention by pointing out that “strict adherence to majority rule should not impede the transformation to a progressive government. Lenin didn’t balk at overthrowing a democratically elected government in order to achieve true socialism. If freely cast ballots stray from the path necessary to accomplish our goals supplementing them with correctly marked ballots is a less bloody method that our reactionary opponents ought to be more thankful we are using.”

In related news, in an interview conducted by England’s Prince Harry, former President Obama came out strongly against “the political anarchy spawned by the Internet and social media. It used to be expensive to communicate your message to millions of people. The cost excluded the masses from injecting their opinions into the stream of information. Now any yahoo with a phone and a finger can spout off whenever he wants. We need a way to cull the herd, so to speak, so that there’s a more realistic opportunity to develop a universal source of information and opinion. Only then will the common people be united in support of those of us who govern them.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Dems Appalled by Corporate Response to Tax Cut Bill

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnThis week, Congress passed and President Trump signed the Tax Cuts and Jobs Act. The measure reduces taxes on corporations from 35% to 21% and on 80% of taxpaying individuals by smaller percentages. Democratic rhetoric attacking the the legislation predicted a “massive transfer of wealth from the poor to the rich” that would lead to “Armageddon” and “the end of the world.”

Contrary to these predictions, the immediate response by numerous corporations was to announce widespread employee bonuses and plans for substantial increases in investment and hiring. AT&T says it will pay $1,000 bonuses to 200,000 employees. Wells Fargo said it will raise its minimum wage to $15 an hour, and make $400 million in donations to community and nonprofit organizations next year. Boeing, Fifth Third Bancorp, and Comcast each announced additional investments.

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) labeled these actions “an unfair exploitation of a socially unjust law for purely political gain. The notion that private companies should be the ones deciding whether employees get raises or bonuses rejects everything the President Obama was trying to achieve. And the idea that corporations should be the ones determining how much to invest or whether to make charitable contributions is anti-democratic.”

Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) called the legislation “fundamentally unfair. The 50% of Americans who currently have no jobs and pay no income taxes get nothing from this bill. It is a thinly veiled trick to try to compel those who are not in the workforce to give up their free time and get jobs if they want to get a tax cut or corporate bonus. This stinks. The GOP will pay dearly at the polls next November for this cruel tyranny over the most vulnerable segments of society.”

Puerto Rico Gov. Ricardo Rosselló contends that “the money this bill gives to corporations and taxpayers is the rightful property of the poor. And none are poorer than Puerto Ricans. Our island is bankrupt and in greater need of these scarce resources than the businesses and individuals who worked to produce them.” Rosselló vowed to “mobilize every Puerto Rican voter to elect the kind of representatives and senators who can be counted on to expropriate the profiteers and redirect money to support programs that benefit the poorest among us.”

Meanwhile, New Jersey Governor-Elect Phil Murphy (D) says “the legislation is unconstitutional because parts of it are hand-written.” The irony, of course, is that the original Constitution itself is entirely hand-written.

In related news, Bureau of Labor statistics showing the lowest unemployment rate for Blacks in 17 years and the lowest ever for Hispanics greatly dismayed Democrats on the Joint Economic Committee. Sen. Martin Heinrich (D-NM) characterized it as “just more evidence of the complete failure of the Trump Administration to solve the nation’s economic problems. Minorities that previously got along without having to endure wage-slavery were herded into the rat-race by Trump’s maniacal destruction of unnecessary regulations. We are clearly headed for dark times in this country if we don’t take the necessary action to neutralize this enemy of freedom.”

Evidence of Presidential Obstruction of Justice

According to a report published by Politico, former President Obama blocked the Drug Enforcement Agency’s efforts to stop the Islamic terrorist group Hezbollah from developing a global narcotics syndicate. The nominal rationale for this intrusion to thwart a law enforcement operation was “to not upset delicate negotiations with Iran.” Hezbollah is largely funded by the Iranian government.

Ben Rhodes, former Deputy National Security Adviser during the Obama Administration, characterized the revelation as “Monday-morning ‘quarterbacking.’ Are we supposed to be shocked that a president might place a higher priority on reaching a diplomatic agreement with another country ahead of a routine and less important criminal case? Is the relationship between Hezbollah and Iran really our concern? I mean, it’s not as if a successful prosecution of Hezbollah’s drug smuggling would have solved the drug problem in this country.”

Trita Parsi, president of the National Iranian-American council, questioned “the presumed link between President Obama’s quashing of the drug investigation and the negotiations with Iran. Just because the Iranian government funds Hezbollah doesn’t mean that it could not be trusted to adhere to whatever agreement was worked out regarding its nuclear program. The sums the US government was willing to pay Iran for the agreement far exceeded the potential profits from drug smuggling. The President could’ve had other valid reasons for stopping the investigation.”

Former Obama State Department spokeswoman Marie Harf insisted that “any claim that President Obama would ever try to obstruct justice is incomprehensible. His commitment to social justice was far ahead of any of his predecessors. My best guess is that he might have wanted to shut down the DEA investigation because he believed that Hezbollah was driven to crime and terrorism by discriminatory hiring practices in this country. I would be willing to bet that subsequent to his intervention many of the members of Hezbollah were given jobs somewhere within his Administration.”

Rep. Ron DeSantis (R-Fla) and Rep. Jim Jordan (R-Ohio) were not impressed by these efforts to exonerate the former president. “Regardless of whether one considers the agreement with Iran on its nuclear program a good or a bad idea, I don’t see how letting a criminal gang of drug smugglers off the hook could have been crucial or necessary,” Jordan said. “If Iran was making that a condition for obtaining its agreement I think that would be a pretty big ‘red flag’ that they couldn’t be trusted. If it wasn’t a condition we have to ask ourselves what rason could the President have had for butting into what ought to have been a normal law enforcement activity?”

In related news, Rhodes tweeted “I look forward to the day when I can read a Post story on Trump’s indictment and then flip to the obits page to see that Ryan, McConnell, and Pence have checked out.”

New Developments Further Discredit Trump Dossier

In private testimony before the House Intelligence Committee, FBI Deputy Director Andrew McCabe couldn’t remember anything about the dossier or where it came from. Neither could he recall ever having discussions with Strzok or Page on the topic of the election or Trump.

Christopher Steele, the former British spy who previously asserted that his dossier proved there was collusion, now says that “the limited intelligence I have only indicates that such collusion may have been possible. Obviously, given the communication technology available today it’s possible that everyone has the means to collude with anyone who has a phone or a computer. Since both Putin and Trump have access to both we can’t definitively say that they didn’t collude.”

Mary Jacoby, wife of Fusion GPS founder Glenn Simpson, bragged about her husband’s “creativity” and proudly claimed that “the whole Russia collusion story wouldn’t have ever existed if it were not for my husbands efforts.” The “efforts” seem to have mostly entailed rehashing a gossip piece that Simpson and Jacoby wrote for the Wall Street Journal ten years ago.

Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif) dismissed the possibility that the accusations of collusion between Trump and Russia could be undermined by these developments, saying “the seriousness of the charges is what ought to concern every American. Until someone proves there was no collusion we must proceed on the assumption that there was. Practically everyone I talk too is convinced that there is something suspicious about Trump’s election. Every poll showed him losing big time. The only logical explanation is some sort of dirty trick. I have no doubt that such a thing could have taken place. It’s too risky for us to allow a devious and dangerous man like Trump to ride roughshod over the rights of the American people on the flimsy pretext that he is innocent until proven guilty.”

UN Rebukes US for Embassy Move

First, the United Nations Security Council voted 14-1 to rebuke the United States for its decision to move the US Embassy to Israel’s capital in Jerusalem. Later, the UN General Assembly voted 128-9 to condemn the US decision. Voting with the US were Guatemala, Honduras, Israel, Marshall Islands, Micronesia, Nauru, Palau, and Togo. Major US allies like Britain, France, Germany and Japan voted against the US.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel explained that “seventy-five years ago Britain, France, Russia, and the United States ganged up on Germany. Now the shoe is on the other foot. Let’s see how Mr. Trump likes that.”

Palestinian Foreign Minister Riad Malki said the UN “passed an unprecedented test. History will remember those who stand by what is right. With the whole world aligned against the Zionist occupiers and their Satanic ally the day will soon come when a final solution to the Jewish problem can be accomplished.”

Nikki Haley, the U.S. ambassador to the UN, was undaunted by the the UN’s action. “Each nation chooses its own capital,” Haley declared. “There is no moral basis for denying Israel this prerogative. Neither is there one for denying the United States the prerogative to respond as we see fit. The unseemly alliance of the anti-Semitic states who would evict every Jew from Israel and the effete Europeans who would acquiesce in such an injustice will not overrule our own best judgment.”

For his part, President Trump welcomed “the unmasking of these ingrates. Not so long ago Europe was overrun by Nazi invaders. Then the United States did the right thing and came to their aid. Israel is surrounded and besieged by enemies. Now we are coming to their aid. If this displeases the UN—well, we can save a lot of money if we stop subsidizing them.”

Iranian Foreign Minister Mohammad Javad Zarif assailed Trump’s stance as “a demonstration of his contempt for democracy. The representatives of the vast majority of the people of the world freely voted to condemn the United States for its attempt to impede the elimination of Israel. For Trump to use financial extortion to try to influence us is tyrannical. He has no right to withhold the wealth that rightfully belongs to everyone for any reason, much less as an inducement for us to reject Allah’s command to rid the Earth of unbelievers, especially Jews.”

In related news, in Illinois, Cook County commissioner Richard Boykin has asked the UN to send peacekeeping troops to Chicago to help quell the gun violence that continues to set new records for fatalities. Pointing out that “most of the victims are blacks killed by other blacks,” Boykin maintains that “our mostly white police force doesn’t have the kind of ethnic understanding required. If we can get African troops to patrol our streets I think the outcomes will improve.”

Ethical Confusion at the University Level

Osaka University’s Kazue Muta alleges that the princes in Snow White and Sleeping Beauty were guilty of sexual assault. “Stories about kissing a comatose person without her permission promote sexual violence,” Muta said. “This is the wrong message for children to hear. These men had no right to force themselves on these women. A better lesson would be a story where these men respect the women’s right to be left alone.”

The University of California San Diego is weighing whether to impose disciplinary sanctions on Gregory Lu, a student who who put up posters of Kate Steinle (the young woman shot to death in 2015 by Jose Inez Garcia Zarate–an illegal immigrant) with the caption “she had dreams too.” Che Lopez, an investigator with the University’s Office for the Prevention of Harassment & Discrimination, called the poster “possibly a ‘hate crime.’ Let’s not forget that Mr. Garcia is a member of a legally protected racial minority.” At the same time, Lopez declined to even look for the students who tore down and ripped up the posters because “we can’t suppress freedom of speech.”

In related news, the University of California Los Angeles hosted a “Muslim American Workshop” where participants proposed policy suggestions that would help Muslim Americans. Among the suggestions were “banning anti-sharia laws” and “eliminating First Amendment protections against hate speech.” One participant explained that “Muslims won’t truly be free in this country until they can live under their own laws and prevent unbelievers from openly criticizing them.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.