Menendez Trial Raises Thorny Issues

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnSen. Robert Menendez (D-NJ) and his “campaign donor” Salomon Melgen are currently on trial for political corruption—the Senator for taking bribes and Melgren for paying them. Menendez argues that the “bribes” in exchange for pursuing legislation favorable to Melgren was “just ordinary politics—no worse than the actions of my many peers in Congress.”

As a case in point, the Senator pointed out that “former Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) was able to fatten his bank account through ‘sweetheart’ real estate deals with one of his donors. And he inserted language in the Affordable Care Act in exchange for money from the drug companies. He wasn’t prosecuted for any of this. Why am I being singled out?”

Prosecutor Peter Koski contended that Menendez “went outside the bounds of traditionally acceptable ‘pay-for-play’ bribery. Mr. Melgren doesn’t live in New Jersey. The Senator can’t pass off the favors he did as ‘constituent services.’ Former Senator Reid’s land deals were all conducted with a Nevada resident and constituent. And the payments he received from the drug companies were in the form of campaign donations. That Senator Reid retired and can now pocket these campaign donations is irrelevant.”

Kirk Ogrosky, the defense attorney for Melgen, called the distinctions between the actions of Senators Reid and Menendez “artificial. Mr. Melgren may not be a constituent of Senator Menendez in a geographic sense, but he is a constituent in a shared ethnicity. Both were part of the fellowship of Hispanic Americans. This trial is not only an attack on the two defendants, it is an attack on all Hispanics.”

Whether Menendez should resign from office if he is convicted posed a difficult dilemma for his Party peers. Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) pondered the issue, observing that “on the one hand, a criminal conviction is not good for one’s resume as a member of government. Given the fact that so many have been able to skate past the rules that would typically land a violator behind bars, a conviction in his case would signal an unusual degree of incompetence. I mean, the Clintons raked in hundreds of millions of dollars using the leverage of public office. This was a much bigger heist than Senator Menendez’s petty larceny. Yet, neither of them are on trial nor likely to ever see the inside of a prison cell.”

“On the other hand, there is no constitutional bar to an elected representative also being a convicted felon,” Schumer continued. “Let’s not overlook the fact that the Senator does represent the State of New Jersey. The voters there have a right to elect whoever they wish. Who is to say that he isn’t the kind of person who best reflects the values and talents of that state’s inhabitants?”

Dems in 15 States Sue Over Trump DACA Action

Democrat Attorney-Generals in 15 states plus the District of Columbia have filed suit against President Trump for his executive action overturning former President Obama’s executive decree on Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals (DACA). Trump justified his countering executive decree by pointing out that Obama lacked the authority to unilaterally modify US immigration law. Trump’s decree goes into effect in six months—a time span giving Congress the opportunity to handle the issue in a legal and constitutional fashion.

Nonetheless, the suing AGs described Trump’s action as “illegal” and “unfair.” New York Attorney General Eric Schneiderman cast Trump’s argument that only Congress can enact laws as “putting adherence to the law ahead of human decency. Whether President Obama had the legal right to enact DACA isn’t as important as whether it was the right thing to do. We’re hoping that the court will see past the legalities and confirm the fundamental justice of the DACA decree. These childhood immigrants are blameless. They have become accustomed to living in the United States. They shouldn’t be punished for the crimes committed by their parents.”

Schneiderman brushed aside the possibility that the suit may be premature since Congress may actually pass a law within the six-month grace period allowed by Trump’s executive action. “No person’s fate should be held hostage to a contingency that Congress will take timely measures to deal with an issue,” he asserted. “We have all seen how little Congress has accomplished over the past eight months. It would be foolish to count on this body to respond in an expeditious manner to the artificial deadline imposed by President Trump.”

For his part, Trump further muddled the issue by tweeting that he “may revisit the issue should Congress fail to act.” This is the same rationale used by Obama when he stepped outside the bounds of his authority to institute the DACA program.

In related news, Chicago Mayor Rahm Emmauel slammed Trump’s DACA move and declared “our City will always remain a safe haven for those pursued by immigration authorities. The same is not the case for Mr. Trump himself. He is barred from entering and police have orders to use whatever force is required to see that he stays away.”

Dem Drafting Legislation to Crack Down on College Freedom of Speech

Rep. Anthony Brown (D-Md) says he will introduce a bill that would require universities and colleges to define “acceptable speech” on campus. “On too many college campuses fresh-mouthed youths hide behind the First Amendment claiming that they have a right to air their unfiltered political views regardless of whether others might find them hurtful or outside the bounds of respectable opinion,” Brown said. “They openly flout the ‘free speech zone’ restrictions that school officials have imposed in an effort to protect students from hearing offensive remarks. We’ve got to put a muzzle on these free-speech abusers.”

Brown’s proposed legislation would set up a program to award grants to schools that “properly control what, when, and where students are allowed to voice their unsolicited opinions. No student should have to fear that a walk between classrooms would expose him or her to the rantings of right-wing anti-government ideologues. Universities that develop speech codes and procedures that will silence anti-progressive elements from infringing on the rights of others to not have to hear disturbing contradictions to prevailing mainstream views should be financially rewarded for their enterprise. My bill will do that.”

In related news, black caucus representatives at Harvard demanded that noted author and scholar Charles Murray be barred from speaking on campus—for public safety reasons. It’s not that the mild-manner Murray will rouse a rabble of right-wing goons to cause trouble. The fear is that “this racist apologist will instigate an oppressed minority to attack him. We haven’t read his books and we shouldn’t be forced to allow him to speak.”

More Comey Malpractice Unveiled

On top of last week’s revelation that former FBI Director James Comey drafted an exoneration memo for Hillary Clinton before more than a dozen witnesses had been interviewed, this week it was disclosed that the famous “30,000 missing emails” were in the possession of the National Security Agency (NSA). And, it turns out, Comey declined to accept the NSA’s offer to provide him with copies.

In defense of this refusal to receive evidence, Comey pointed out that “the decision not to prosecute Secretary Clinton was unanimous. As such, there was no reason to probe these emails. At best, we would have found that she was telling the truth that none of these emails dealt with government business. At worst, we would have found that she lied. This would have cast a serious pall of doubt over the reputations of those of us, including Attorney General Lynch and President Obama, who had already agreed that there would be no prosecution.”

“I was the ‘good soldier’ following the orders of my superiors,” Comey explained. “It is the Attorney General who determines which cases are worthy of prosecution. She, of course, must answer to the President. If he decides there is to be no prosecution then both she and I, as his subordinates, must obey. That I stepped up and took the heat for announcing there would be no prosecution was a heroic act of a loyal subordinate. I deserve praise, not persecution, as will become obvious when my book is published.”

Justice Dept Declines to Press Charges Against IRS Official

Assistant Attorney General Kevin Boyd announced that the Trump Administration will not be pursuing charges against former IRS executive Lois Lerner for discriminating against conservative organizations seeking tax-free status from the Agency.

While conceding that Lerner’s refusal to testify on the grounds it would be self-incriminating was, in effect a “smoking gun,” Boyd insisted that “the prosecution of a government functionary for carrying out the wishes of the president would be excessively punitive and set a dangerous precedent. A person entering the ranks of an administration shouldn’t have to be second-guessing every decision—is it right, is it wrong, is it legal or illegal. That would slow the gears by which the president’s will prevails in the making of policy.”

“Ideally, the chief executive is the one who should be held accountable,” Boyd argued. “Difficult as this might be given that the president can order enemies to be killed, nevertheless, it is a basic principle of our Constitution. The proper remedy would be impeachment. Since the person responsible for the IRS’ illegal acts is no longer in office the entire matter is now moot.”

Rep. Kevin Brady (R-Tex), chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee, called the decision not to pursue the case “terrible. It sends the message that the same legal, ethical, and Constitutional standards we all live by do not apply to Washington political appointees—who will now have the green light to target Americans for their political beliefs and mislead investigators without ever being held accountable for their lawlessness.

A Satirical Look at Recent News
John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.
 

 

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Trump Blamed for Violence Against Media

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnAssorted media spokespersons have pointed the finger of blame at President Trump for incidents of violence that have endangered members of their profession in various locations since he became president. Jim VandeHei, founder of the news website Axios, asserted that Trump is directly “putting reporters at real risk of retribution or violence.” New York Times media columnist Jim Rutenberg wondered “how long before someone is seriously hurt, or worse?” Jeffrey Toobin, a writer for the New Yorker warned “Someone is going to do something awful to a journalist.”

Well, someone is doing some awful things to journalists, but it is mostly not Trump supporters. The lion’s share of the violence has come from leftists protesting Trump. Nonetheless, the media still insist Trump is at fault because, as Rutenberg maintained, “these protests wouldn’t be happening if Trump hadn’t stolen the election from Secretary Clinton. There might have been some anti-Clinton demonstrations, but it is unlikely that the kind of behavior we have seen from the Antifa movement—masked men throwing rocks and bottles, brandishing cudgels, and smashing property would have been so prevalent.”

“We have to ask ourselves whether the civil disruption that has emerged in the wake of Trump’s victory isn’t sufficient reason to reverse the election results via more peaceful mechanisms,” Toobin suggested. “Removing Trump through impeachment or the 25th Amendment may be necessary if we are to dampen down the kind of street violence that threatens the domestic tranquility our Constitution was established to ensure.”

53 Democrats Denounce Sessions’ Policy on Sanctuary Cities

Fifty-three Democratic members of the House and Senate signed a letter of protest against Attorney General Jeff Sessions’ plan to withhold federal law-enforcement aid from cities that flout US immigration laws.

Signer Sen. Dick Durbin (Ill) complained that “Sessions is only making a bad situation worse. Even with the federal aid Chicago is a virtual combat zone with dozens of shootings every week. He should be backing gun-control legislation, not insisting on the enforcement of immigration laws that would end up deporting felons who are in the country illegally.”

Sessions called the letter “an endorsement of illegality. We have laws that prescribe the approved procedures for persons to enter this country. If these senators and representatives have objections to these laws the proper way for them to respond is to work to repeal them, not to support local governments that defy these laws. The number of incidents where cities have shielded illegal aliens from this law only to see these people go on to commit heinous crimes ought to have given pause to their rash demand that we continue to tolerate the ill-considered practice of coddling these threats to the safety of law-abiding citizens.”

Durbin countered Sessions by pointing out that “not all the crimes committed by those given sanctuary can be accurately described as heinous. Many are mere crimes against property. In other instances the victims survive the attempted murder or assault. Even when they don’t survive, the toll taken by those shielded by sanctuary is small compared to the carnage perpetrated by native citizens.”

Pelosi Calls for Crackdown on “Dangerous Speech”

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) demanded that “we be more selective in what kind of remarks people are allowed to make in public. I’m generally in favor of freedom of speech, but some statements and points of view are so far outside the bounds of respectable opinion that they present a clear and present danger.”

She went on to elaborate by analogy, saying “you can’t shout ‘wolf’ in a crowded theater because everyone knows there is no wolf. If we don’t suppress these bogus cries then one day when there really is a wolf no one will believe it. At that point people will be attacked without recourse. Our only option then will be to have FEMA distribute food and blankets to the victims.”

While the Minority Leader’s statement struck many as “confused and possibly demented” a spokesperson for the long-time member of congress explained that “what she was trying to say is that statements by President Trump and his supporters are inherently dangerous. Questioning policies of his predecessors undermines people’s faith in their government. Questioning the media’s coverage of the Trump Administration undermines people’s faith in the news. If these two pillars of our way of life are knocked down it would be the equivalent of exposing us all to being devoured by wolves.”

Germany to Remain Neutral in Possible US-NK War

Chancellor Angela Merkel of Germany has told the US Government “not to count on Germany’s support in any potential armed conflict with North Korea.”

“I don’t see how Germany would gain from allying itself with the United States in such a conflict,” Merkel said. “North Korea is far away and poses no direct threat to us. The United States’ military would most likely crush the under-fed North Korean Army with ease. If the unimaginable happens and North Korea somehow wins, our stance of neutrality will reduce the incentive for them to turn on us.”

The Chancellor also admitted to an emotional component stemming from World War II, saying that “it wasn’t Koreans who mercilessly bombed every city in Germany, sank virtually our entire navy, shot down virtually every aircraft in the Luftwaffe, and sent millions of troops into my country in 1945. It was the United States and its allies. Germans have far more reason for antipathy toward America than they do toward North Korea. If Germany were to fight anyone, my gut tells me that it ought to be the Americans.”

Merkel also complained that “President Trump’s insistence that we must honor our NATO obligations is an added grievance. No previous American president made such a demand. We haven’t budgeted for these obligations. The wisdom of our frugality has been born out by the lack of any military attacks on our country during the entire time of the NATO alliance. By assuming a position of neutrality we’re hoping that Mr. Trump gets the message that we will not be pressured into fulfilling these unnecessary obligations.”

Study Shows More Registered Voters than Adult Citizens

Data from the U.S. Census Bureau analyzed by Judicial Watch’s Election Integrity Project found that there are 3.5 million more registered voters in America than there are citizens if voting age. More than 40% of these “ghost voters” were found in two California counties—700,000 in Los Angeles County and 800,000 in San Diego County.

Of course, not every citizen eligible to vote actually registers to vote. So, the potential over-registration is even larger than these figures imply. The potential for election fraud would seem to be huge. Nevertheless, Democrats adamantly deny that any significant fraud is taking place. The Brennan Center for Justice contends that it has conclusively proven that allegations of widespread fraud are “baseless.” And the New York Times asserts that “there is essentially no voter fraud in America.”

Given the confidence that Democratic partisans have that there is no election fraud it is puzzling that they hold such animosity toward President Trump’s Election Integrity Panel. If the evidence is so overwhelmingly against the idea that fraud exists wouldn’t the Panel end up confirming their contention?

California Secretary of State Alex Padilla rejected the need for investigation saying “it makes as much sense as the Administration’s suggestion that global warming be the topic of a policy debate. It seems that every informed person but Trump knows that global warming is proven science. Likewise, every properly informed person but Trump knows there is no election fraud. Bucking this consensus is a waste of time and money.”
Padilla explained the apparent over-registration endemic in his state as “an enigmatic anomaly. Even if we could figure out why there are millions of bogus registrations there is no proof that any of these resulted in ballots being cast.”

The absence of “proof” may owe a lot to procedures barring use of photo IDs as a step toward verifying the identity of those casting ballots at the polls or by mail. Even the matching of signatures on mailed ballots with signatures on voter registration forms has been challenged by the ACLU as “disenfranchising.”

ACLU spokesman Bertram Petty said “requiring a voter to prove his or her identity is humiliating. It puts procedural technicalities ahead of the obvious truth that a human being has a natural right to elect those who rule him. To deny a person the right to vote because he doesn’t reside in the district or isn’t a citizen is a violation of his human rights. So, what we are saying is that, in the big picture, all the ID rigamarole is aimed at suppressing the vote.”

In related news, Richard Robert Rawling, a former elections worker in North Carolina, was indicted for altering vote totals by running ballots through the counting machine multiple times during a primary election in March 2016. In his defense, Rawling maintained that “I wasn’t trying to favor any candidate. I was just trying to make sure that the results of the provisional canvass would match the number of approved provisional ballots. Otherwise, I’d have had to fill out a discrepancy report. That would’ve made me look bad and could have cast doubt on the reported election outcome.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Congresswoman Has Plan to Avert War with North Korea

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnRep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif) has a simple plan for deescalating tensions between the U.S. and North Korea: “give them what they want.” She acknowledged that “we may not know specifically what that is, but surely it has to be a better option than going to war.”

“Look, Korea is a small, far away country,” Waters observed. “From what I understand it is a very poor place. We could probably feed, house, and clothe everyone in it for less than it would cost to bomb them. If we could ensure Kim that all the material needs of his people could easily be met via a generous foreign aid package, what reason would he have for wanting nuclear weapons?”

In support of her recommendation, the Congresswoman cited “the pacifying effects that our domestic welfare program has had upon the poor in our own country. We don’t see any of them trying to get nuclear weapons or threatening to turn America into ashes. I’d say this experience provides the guidance we need to construct a more successful foreign policy.”

Former President Barack Obama’s National Security adviser, Susan Rice, hailed Waters’ suggestion, calling it “a breath of fresh air. As both Presidents Clinton and Obama realized, a nuclear armed North Korea would be in a better position to demand social justice from the West. The disproportionate distribution of wealth that currently exists between our two countries needs to be rectified. The ability of North Korea to do serious damage to the United States is a key element in forcing a long overdue reallocation. That Trump would attempt to turn this leverage into an excuse for a military response that would defend an unjust status quo is a crime against humanity.”

Judge Bars Defendant from Testifying

U.S. District Judge Gloria Navarro barred Eric Parker from mentioning the First Amendment after he took the stand to testify in his own defense in a trial stemming from the 2014 Bunkerville standoff in which ranchers confronted Bureau of Land Management officers in a dispute over grazing rights.

“Once a duly authorized law enforcement action is underway the First Amendment guarantees of freedom of assembly and freedom of speech no longer apply,” Navarro ruled. “Allowing a jury to hear these words would only serve to undermine the respect for authority that is essential to an orderly enforcement of the decisions made by government officials.”

The Judge also cited “the need to avoid another hung jury in this case. If we allow the defense to raise issues that I have determined aren’t pertinent to the case we could end up in the same quandary where some jurors might elevate their uninformed opinions about freedom of speech and assembly above the instructions from the bench to consider only whether the defendants did or didn’t obey the lawful commands of the Bureau.”

Since one of the “lawful commands” forbade video taping of the confrontation, recordings that the defense contends demonstrate the peaceful intent and behavior of the defendants will not be shown to the jury.

Mysterious Death Ruled “Suicide”

In May of this year, federal prosecutor Beranton Whisenant’s body was found on a Hollywood, Florida beach with a gunshot wound to the head. Three months later, the Hollywood Police Department has ruled the death a suicide. Whisenant worked for the U.S. Attorney’s Office in Miami in its major crimes unit. He was handling several visa and passport fraud cases in the congressional district represented by beleaguered former Democratic National Committee Chairwoman Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz.

Oddly, no weapon was recovered at or near the scene. Chief of Police Tomas Sanchez admitted that “the absence of a weapon near the body would seem suspicious to non-professionals. However, there could be a number of logical explanations. One possibility is that rising sea levels caused by global warming could have washed the firearm away. Another is that Mr. Whisenant swam out a ways before he shot himself and the gun is still out there somewhere.”

Sanchez brushed off contentions from family members that Whisenant had shown no signs of depression and had even seemed enthusiastic about “reeling in some big fish” in his investigation. “A person can be depressed without anyone knowing,” Sanchez said. “I just heard that vegetarians are more likely to be depressed than meat-eaters. Perhaps Mr. Whisenant was a vegetarian.”

CAIR Defends McMaster

The Council on American Islamic Relations (CAIR) rallied to the defense of National Security Council (NSC) adviser Gen. H.R. McMaster this week. McMaster has come under some criticism for purging the NSC of individuals he maintains were “overly focused on an illusory Islamic threat.” These included Ezra Cohen-Watnick, the NSC’s senior director for intelligence programs; Rich Higgins, the NSC’s director for strategic planning; and Derek Harvey, the NSC’s senior director for the Middle East.

Ibrahim Hooper, National Communications Director for CAIR, blamed “agents of the Zionist conspiracy for world domination” for what he characterized as “vicious attacks on an honorable man. President Trump is clearly a tool of this conspiracy. His failure to denounce the Jewish occupation of Muslim lands and his verbal support for the Israeli oppression of non-Jews throughout the Middle East mark him as an enemy of Allah.”
For his part, McMaster justified his purge saying that “we cannot build bridges to the adherents of Islam if they see that we have the apologists for Jewish aggression within our government. By cleansing our councils of these troublesome elements we will win the appreciation and, I hope, the friendship of the Muslim community.”

“What a lot of Trump’s supporters overlook is the strategic advantage of aligning with the much larger contingent of Muslims vs. the much smaller Jewish segment of the global population,” McMaster said. “There are more than a billion Muslims. There are only 12 million Jews. An alliance with the former is numerically superior to an alliance with the latter. President Obama understood this. I would be derelict in my duty if I didn’t do everything in my power to protect that strategic decision from being overturned by an ill-informed outsider.”

Document Dump Casts Doubt on Official Version of Tarmac Meeting

Documents obtained through a Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) request cast a long shadow of doubt over the official version of events surrounding the “chance meeting” between former President Bill Clinton and Obama Administration Attorney General Loretta Lynch in June 2016.

The official story that the meeting was a random occurrence and that the discussion was an innocent chat about grandchildren and golf was severely damaged by correspondence among Department of Justice personnel. For one, the correspondence was heavily redacted. Redaction is justified when sensitive personal data (like Social Security numbers or home addresses) or classified information might be exposed. There is no legal justification for redacting innocent chatter about grandchildren and golf scores.

On top of this, a lot of the content dealt with the development of “talking points” aimed at putting the proper “spin” on the meeting for public consumption. In this correspondence, AG Lynch used an alias. Why the DOJ would need to invest so much time and effort to develop talking points about an innocent meeting or why the AG would need to use a fake name remains unanswered, as does FBI Director James Comey’s inclusion in the loop.

A week after this “chance meeting” and following the correspondence, Comey announced that Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton would not be prosecuted for her “extremely careless handling of classified information.” Comey insisted that his untruthful denial that any such correspondence existed “was due to my embarrassment at being inadvertently ‘cced’ on such an intimately private conversation” and that “no one can prove the correspondence had anything to do with my decision.”

At this point, perhaps the biggest mystery is why the Trump Administration DOJ redacted so much of the “innocent” content of the correspondence. So far, no one is talking, but the rumor is that AG Jeff Sessions has “recused himself out of respect for the privacy of his predecessor” and allowed holdovers from the Lynch regime to decide what needed to be redacted.

Trump’s “Excessive Expectations” Rile Senator

Chafing at President Trump’s very public display of frustration with the failure of the Senate to pass health insurance reform, Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ken) blamed “excessive expectations.”

“Frankly, the President is out of his depth on this,” McConnell maintained. “He comes from a business milieu where the emphasis is on action and results. In government the emphasis is on process.”

The Majority Leader offered to “explain the process in terms that even Mr. Trump can understand. In the Senate we have agreements that both Parties abide by. All the repeals of Obamacare that we passed were guaranteed to be vetoed by President Obama. That’s the only reason the Democrats let us pass these repeals. They could have easily filibustered and kept us from getting the 60 votes needed to stop debate. By promising to sign a repeal bill President Trump forced us to come up with another path that would be acceptable to the Democrats. That path required that several Republicans switch their previous votes for repeal to against repeal.”

McConnell expressed his disappointment that “Sen. McCain rising from his virtual deathbed to cast the deciding vote didn’t provide a greater respite from the unreasonable demands of an inexperienced and ill-informed outsider. I would think that the drama of a mortally-wounded hero making a last stand would’ve bought us some time to relax from the onerous burdens of lawmaking for a while.”

The Senator also dismissed the President’s pleas that he get back to work. “What he needs to understand is that he can’t make us do anything we don’t want to do,” McConnell asserted. “And if he keeps insulting and bullying us like he has been to Sen. Blumenthal, well we might find that to be the sort of high crime or misdemeanor requiring his removal from office.”

In contrast to the lack of legislative results in Congress, it was announced that the executive branch under Trump has reduced business regulatory costs by 90% compared to rules issued by the Obama Administration. McConnell warned that “the untimely release of this information will only further aggravate the already antagonistic relationship between the President and the Senate. This does not help his case for remaining in office.”

In related news, the prospect of being impeached is mild compared to the prediction by ex-FBI and CIA operative Phil Mudd that “they are going to kill this guy because he doesn’t support them. His joke about Russia saving us money by sending our spies home is likely the last straw. Remember what happened to Kennedy after he threatened to tear the CIA apart? Well, I think Trump has signed his own death warrant as far as these expert assassins in our government are concerned.”

Clinton’s Pastor Says Hillary’s Loss Worst Injustice Since Christ’s Crucifixion

Methodist minister Bill Shillady compared Hillary Clinton’s loss to Donald Trump in the 2016 presidential election to the crucifixion of Jesus Christ and concluded that “it was the second worst instance of injustice in human history. In both cases we saw exemplary paragons of virtue punished for the sins of others.”

Shillady predicted “a Hell on Earth under the demon that is Donald Trump,” but offered a ray of hope that “the forces of righteousness will triumph in the end. Right now, true believers are working assiduously to unseat the unholy Trump and clear the way for the ascension of God’s chosen candidate.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

 

‘Legacy’ Legislation to Honor McCain Proposed

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnFresh off his crucial vote to kill the repeal of Obamacare, Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) is now working with Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) to craft what McCain called “a fitting legacy to honor my service to the country and Senate over my lifetime.”

The bill they are drafting is a revival of the so-called “Gang of Eight” measure passed by the Senate in 2013, but rejected by the House. It would give a path to citizenship to most illegal immigrants, greatly increase the number of visas to allow companies to replace American workers with foreigners and greatly increase the number of legal immigrants who would be eligible to enter the country over the next 30 years.

Schumer suggested that “the new law might be dubbed ‘McCainesty’ as way to help people remember the man we are honoring with this crucial reform to our immigration policy. Considering the dire health of Sen. McCain, his good friend Sen. Graham (R-SC) has reluctantly agreed to surrender his long-held claimed right to name the policy change ‘Grahamnesty.’”

McCain compared his proposal with the immigration bill recently unveiled by the Trump Administration, calling it “a glaring contrast between a stance of selfishness and generosity. Trump wants to restrict immigration to protect already rich Americans from having to share our nation’s wealth with those less fortunate. This is not the America I want to leave behind when I’m gone. I want an America that lives up to the Statue of Liberty’s promise to house the homeless, wretched masses yearning to eat free.”

The Senator cited the $1.3 billion in welfare paid to illegal immigrants by Los Angeles County over the last two years as “a down payment on our historic promise. Our new bill will remove barriers to an even greater fulfillment of the dream of a more equitable redistribution of the Earth’s bounty and take us further toward President Obama’s vision of a transformed world.”

Los Angeles Mayor Eric Garcetti endorsed the McCain-Schumer initiative as “a demonstration of common sense. In theory, the redistribution could be accomplished by sending our wealth to other countries. It would be more practical, though, to let the beneficiaries come here. Not only will they spend a greater portion of the welfare in the local community, they’ll also be present to cast the votes needed to elect those who will work to continue the transformation.”

Senators Want to Strengthen Independence of Special Counsel

Sens. Thom Tillis (R-NC) and Chris Coons (D-Del) are proposing legislation that would bar anyone from firing or in any way impeding Robert Mueller, the special counsel appointed to investigate President Trump and his associates for winning the 2016 presidential election.

“It is critical that special counsels have the independence and resources they need to lead investigations,” Tillis said. “Mueller can’t be independent if he can be fired by anyone in the chain of command in the executive branch of government. He can’t be independent if he must rely on congress for appropriations. He can’t be independent if he must rely on a court or jury to validate his prosecutions.”

Jay Sekulow, one of President Trump’s lawyers, blasted the proposed legislation as “unconstitutional. Ours is a representative government. What Sen. Tillis and Coons are proposing is to create an omnipotent new office within the federal government. They would immunize Mueller from any executive oversight. They would enable him to dip into the treasury for any amount of money he deems necessary.”

Coons rallied to the defense of his senate colleague, pointing out that “the premise that Trump represents the people is belied by the fact that he didn’t win the popular vote. Every member of congress did win the popular vote in his state or district. It is our prerogative to transfer whatever powers we deem appropriate to whom ever we want.

Much of the legislating that is now done in this country is by executive agencies that congress has empowered to make laws. In our view, setting a man with an untarnished record of integrity like Robert Mueller above and outside the normal processes that are suggested in the Constitution is a clear improvement over the governance we see incompetently emerging from the Trump Administration on a daily basis.”

Poll Results Addle Dem Leader

A poll conducted for Minority Leader Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) by her “House Majority PAC” produced consternation and confusion for this top Democrat. For one, the poll found that the political ideologies of voters were 41% conservative, 32% moderate and 19% liberal, with 37% identifying as Independents, 35% as Republicans and 29% as Democrats. For two, among white working class voters 69% favored policies that reward hard work.

“These findings make no sense,” Pelosi argued. “Surely leisure is preferred over hard work. The Democratic Party has enacted measures that have expanded the opportunities for people to leave the workforce and still be able to live comfortably. There’s public housing, food stamps, cell phones—all supplied gratis by laws and regulations we’ve championed. The liberal and Democratic cohorts among voters should be expanding, especially among the undocumented portion of the population.”

The Congresswoman speculated that “perhaps the life of leisure we’ve provided has insidiously sapped the energy and initiative of those whose votes are crucial for our Party to continue to win elections. We think asking the beneficiaries to cast a vote is a small effort, but maybe once we’ve removed the effort required to support oneself from the equation even the minimal task of marking a ballot may seem too arduous.”

“Even worse, our new slogan–‘a better deal: better jobs, better wages, better future’–seems to have backfired,” Pelosi lamented. “In the six months since Trump became president the economic data has been awful. There are more better-paying jobs and lower unemployment than anyone expected. Welfare rolls are shrinking. Fewer are living on food stamps. It’s as if Trump’s view is being vindicated.”

In related news, a recent poll conducted by the Pew Research Center found that 61% say the Democratic Party “too often sees government as the only way to solve problems.” Unsurprisingly, this view was held by 83% of registered Republicans. Less expected was the finding that 44% of registered Democrats agreed. This perception of the Party as an advocate for statism is probably best encapsulated by Connecticut Democratic Sen. Chris Murphy’s statement that “there is no anxiety, sadness, or fear that cannot be cured by political action.”

Felons Vying to Be Detroit’s Mayor

Half of the eight candidates for mayor on Detroit’s primary ballot have been previously convicted criminals. Donna Marie Pitts has multiple felony convictions dating back to 1977. Danetta Simpson has a 1996 felony conviction for assault with intent to murder. Articia Bomer was charged in 2008 with carrying a concealed weapon. In 2004, Curtis Christopher Greene was sentenced to 18 months’ probation under the Holmes Youthful Trainee Act for dealing marijuana and in 2005 plead guilty to writing a fraudulent check.

Pitts called her conviction stemming from a shoot out at an auto repair shop “an honest disagreement over the bill. Both sides were armed. Sending me to jail was bogus.” She says she is running to “stamp out the kind of discrimination and racism that wrecked my life.”

Simpson got into a dispute with a woman who was living with the father of two of her four children, pulled out a gun and fired a shot that missed hitting the other woman. She contends that she was “wrongfully convicted. No one was hurt. How is that an assault with intent? If I had intended to kill the bitch the bullet would’ve been in her head.” She says she is running to offer voters “someone new and different.”

Bomer was charged in 2008 with carrying a concealed weapon. “Overly suspicious” police approached her while she was sitting in a parked car and found a loaded gun in the vehicle. Bomer denied that it was hers, but was convicted during a bench trial in January 2009 and sentenced to a year of probation. She says she is running on a platform of “preservation, restoration and revitalization.”

Greene contends that “my youthful indiscretions shouldn’t be held against me. I have a seven point plan to rebuild Detroit. It addresses jobs, discriminatory lending and access to meaningful employment for convicted felons. I believe I’m the one to change the city.”
Whether any of the former felons will be able to win over the four other candidates—incumbent Mayor Mike Duggan, state Sen. Coleman A. Young II, Edward Dean and Angelo Brown—that do not have criminal records seems improbable. However, this election is the first since the City went bankrupt under the governance on non-felon Democrats over the last five decades.

In related news, Fayetteville, N.C. Mayoral candidate Quancidine Gribble has been arrested twice in the last two months for stealing and vandalizing a water company’s equipment. Gribble, a philosophy student, community activist and charity leader, contends that “water is a basic human need. No business has the right withhold it from the people. My action to liberate it from their control so it could flow freely to those who need it is simple social justice.”

Trump Threat an “Impeachable Offense”

After the failure of the Senate to repeal Obamacare, a frustrated President Trump’s threat to reverse President Obama’s executive action exempting members of congress from having to live under the same regulations that apply to ordinary citizens forced into Obamacare brought howls of rage from Sen. Chris Murphy (D-CT).

“We are members of government,” Murphy fulminated. “For Trump to vindictively throw us into the pit with the common people violates the unwritten rule against one segment of this elite group harming the privileges of another. It would renege on the bipartisanship exhibited by President Obama in even handedly extending the exemption to congressional Democrats and Republicans alike.”

“Trump may think he’s immune from retaliation, but he should think again,” the Senator advised. “The House has the power to impeach and the Senate has the power to convict. The Constitutional grounds for impeachment are vague and unspecified. Let me remind Mr. Trump that Congress has the sole prerogative of determining what constitutes a satisfactory cause for his removal from office.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News
John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

McCain Kills GOP Health Care Bill

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnJust days after receiving brain surgery to remove a malignant tumor, Sen. John McCain (R-Az) returned to the Senate in time to cast his vote killing the so-called “skinny” repeal of Obamacare. McCain joined fellow Republicans Lisa Murkowski (Alaska) and Susan Collins (Maine) to vote with all 48 Democrats for a 51-49 margin against the bill.

The Senator cited “bipartisanship” as his primary motivation. “The original Obamacare legislation was enacted without a single Republican vote, he pointed out. “For us to repeal any part of it without a single Democratic vote would only continue to spur rancor between the aisles of congress.” McCain said he was “confident that my reach across the aisle on this day will inspire both sides to work together for the good of the American people.”

McCain acknowledged that the “skinny” repeal “would have offered some relief to those suffering from the high premiums and high deductibles Obamacare has inflicted on them, but it wouldn’t have solved all of the ACA’s deficiencies. Worse, it would have sent us back toward a system where individuals would be left free to choose not to buy insurance or to buy plans that do not require the coverage of essential services like gender reassignment surgery. The imprudent may think they don’t need this option, but if we allow them to bypass paying for this coverage they’ll be left holding the bag if the itch to switch ever strikes them.”

“We all know that Obamacare has its faults,” McCain continued. “Fortunately, essential personnel working in government are exempt and have been awarded superior coverage by President Obama’s executive order. This puts members of congress in a position to exercise judgment without the pressures and biases that would accompany any decision that had a direct effect on our own health. It is my hope that a leisurely and dispassionate discussion between Republicans and Democrats will produce a comprehensive reform.”

A teary-eyed Senate Minority Leader praised McCain’s vote. Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY) called it “the most courageous act I have ever personally witnessed. He has sacrificed his political future to rescue former President Obama’s signature legacy. His stand for bipartisanship will forever protect the Affordable Care Act from repeal or adulteration as long as Democrats remain solidly against every GOP attempt to alter it.”

Deputy Chairman of the Democratic Nation Committee Rep. Keith Ellison (Minn) vowed tobe one of those Democrats and “stand strong against Republican efforts to derail the progress President Obama has bestowed upon America. We need a truly comprehensive health care system like they’ve had in Cuba for the last 50 years. And I won’t rest until we do.”

Meanwhile, former House Speaker John Behner (R-Ohio) and former Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Va) admitted that “all the votes to repeal Obamacare while Obama was president were just for show. We knew he would veto whatever we passed. The Democrats in the senate cooperated by refraining from filibustering the repeal. We placated our base. The Democrats got to portray us as cold-hearted bastards. It was a win-win for both Parties.”

In related news, the death of 11-month-old Charlie Gard after the UK’s National Health Service went to court to prevent his parents from seeking medical treatment outside the country presented a preview of what a fully functioning single-payer health insurance system might deliver to the United States. The gist of the NHS’ objection to Gard’s parents spending their own money to treat him was that “scarce resources must be allocated by society, not individuals. The notion that his parents owned the resources they raised and could use them to selfishly benefit their own child is the evil that socialism must continually oppose.”

Dems’ IT Guy Arrested

This week, Imran Awan, one of a trio of brothers hired by the Democratic National Committee to handle the computers and other devices used by key Democrats on the House Committee on Foreign Affairs and the Permanent Select Committee on Intelligence was arrested trying to flee the country. News of the arrest prompted former DNC chairwoman Rep. Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (Fla) to fire Awan, but she warned investigators there would be “consequences” if the laptop seized from him by police was not promptly returned to her. “The lap top is mine. I am a member of congress. I have immunity from prosecution.”

Despite her assertion of immunity, Wasserman-Shultz is reportedly in a state of high anxiety over “this unprecedented persecution” and is said to have complained to friends that “We followed all the normal security procedures. We smashed the devices. We deleted the emails. We threatened the police to back off. We did everything Hillary did, but I’m still under the gun. The double-standard I’m seeing here is so unfair.”

Former prosecutor and Chairman of the House Oversight Committee, Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-SC), observed that “smashing devices and deleting emails rarely erases all evidence of criminal activities. Anyone who has watched the TV show ‘Forensic Files’ knows that investigators have been able to recover content from ‘destroyed devices’ and ‘erased files’ that has led to the conviction of numerous murderers and other felons.”

Gowdy also suggested that “the recent arrest of Mr. Awan also sheds a more sinister light on Rep. Wasserman-Schultz’s remarks about cutting the budget of the DC Police. What might ordinarily be merely a fiscal issue starts to look like extortion when coupled with a demand that a certain line of inquiry ought to be discontinued.”

The DC Police have been unsuccessfully “investigating” the murder of DNC staffer Seth Rich for more than a year. Rich, a Bernie Sanders supporter, is suspected of being the person who sent DNC emails exposing how Wasserman-Schultz worked to rig the Democratic primary election for Hillary Clinton to Wikileaks.

Meanwhile, Awan’s attorney blamed “Islamophobia” for the arrest of his client. “We are asserting the affirmative defense that since Mr. Awan was acting under the direction of a member of congress her immunity covers any and all crimes he may have committed at her behest. Should this defense be rejected we will be pleading ‘cultural ignorance.’ In Mr. Awan’s native land, what American law may regard as illegal is allowed under the traditional practice of baksheesh. Mr. Awan was the subordinate of a powerful American governmental official. He should not be held criminally liable for accepting money to do as he was told by a person who he trusted to know American law.”

County Has Thousandss of Voters Older than 100

Examination of the registered voter rolls in Broward County, Florida revealed that there are thousands of voters over 100 years of age, including several over 130 years old. The Public Interest Legal Foundation (PILF) filed a lawsuit accusing the Broward County supervisor of elections, Brenda Snipes, of dereliction of duty.

“This quantity of centenarians on the voter rolls is actuarially improbable,” argued Logan Churchwell, the head researcher for PILF. “This improbability alone should have spurred the elections officials to scrutinize the data and purge deceased voters from the lists.”

Snipes countered by asserting “I am no mathematician and should not be held accountable for such calculations. Besides, our records show a consistent casting of ballots by every one of these elderly voters. I am not going to insult them by assuming they’re dead or that even if they are they shouldn’t have ballots cast in their name. For all we know, their wills may have directed their heirs to continue to perform the civic duty of voting for them as a condition of receiving their inheritance.”

Churchwell called Snipes’ response “inane. A person cannot will his vote to an heir. The fact that there are more registered voters in the county than there are persons of voting age as recorded by the census is prima facie evidence of a problem. Illegally casting votes for the dead is fraud. Failure to address this fraud makes Ms. Snipes an accomplice.”

Votes cast by dead people aren’t the only possible source of fraud in Florida. There are 180,000 non-citizens with driver’s licenses whose names also appear as registered voters. Snipes insisted that “this is not my responsibility. The Department of Highway Safety and Motor Vehicles (DHSMV) is registering these people to vote.”

DHSMV Director Terry Rhodes explained that “the courts have barred us from requiring that those registering to vote must show proof of US citizenship. We do indicate whether or not the person registering has checked the citizen box. The 180,000 non-citizens on the voter rolls shows the number who did not check that box. We have no way of knowing how many non-citizens falsely claimed to be citizens by wrongfully checking that box.”

In related news, a quick survey by the Government Accountability Institute (GAI) found 8,000+ instances of “double voting”–ballots cast by the same individual in more than one venue during the same election. These were votes by individuals with the identical first and last name, middle initial, birth date, and partial Social Security number. “There can be little doubt that these were illegally cast votes,” said the GAI’s Peter Schweizer. “Considering that our scan did not include probable duplicate votes where an individual may have omitted a middle initial or used a different last name (say a birth name in one venue and a married name in another), the number of duplicate votes is likely far higher than our study indicated.”

“Allah Is Gay” Sign Banned

London police barred Britain’s Council of Ex-Muslims (CEMB) from displaying their “Allah is gay” sign in the City’s annual gay pride parade. Police did allow a “Jesus is gay” sign to be displayed.

London Mayor Sadiq Khan explained that “calling Allah gay is a slander that cannot be tolerated. Anyone who has read the Quran can clearly see that Allah is NOT gay. In fact, in the Quran Allah prescribes death for homosexuals. A proclamation that Allah is gay is obviously untrue.”

Khan contrasted the clarity of Islam’s stance on homosexuality with what he characterized as “the ambiguity of Christianity on this issue. First, you have the ‘cast no stone’ doctrine, which implies that the sin of homosexuality should be forgiven. Second, Jesus never married and spent an inordinate amount of time closeted with a dozen men as he roamed around preaching his message. Mohammed took on numerous wives and inseminated many infidel women as Allah bid him to do. Finally, we see that Pope Francis has refused to publicly condemn homosexuality saying ‘who am I to judge.’ So, it is not unreasonable to suspect that Jesus may have been gay. Banners that express that suspicion are possibly true and, thus, protected freedom of speech.”

In related news, a study conducted in Denmark discovered that children of immigrants have attitudes that are more favorable toward Islamic violence than their parents. This finding was interpreted as supporting German Chancellor Angela Merkel's determination “to never limit the number of immigrants coming to our country from the Middle East. Clearly, we need the moderating influence of recent arrivals to dilute the murderous impulses of the children of earlier
immigrants.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News
John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Freedom Caucus Move on Health Insurance Assailed

JohnBy John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

This week the “repeal and replace” health insurance bill crafted by the Republican leadership failed to garner enough support to be put to a vote. Rep. Tom Garret (R-VA), along with other Freedom Caucus members, said he will file a discharge petition that would put a clean repeal of Obamacare up for a House vote.

“This is the same bill both the House and Senate passed that was vetoed by President Obama in 2015,” Garret said. “It would undo the conceit that the government is competent to dictate the health insurance choices every American must make. It will allow everyone the freedom to buy the insurance they want rather than being forced to buy what the government bureaucrats say they should.”

Garret’s bill is expected to face tough sledding due to anticipated opposition from three key GOP senators: Sen. Lisa Murkowski (R-Alaska) and Sen. Shelley Moore Capito (R-WV), both of whom voted for the 2015 bill, and Sen. Susan Collins (R-Maine).

Murkowski acknowledged that her vote for the bill in 2015 “was solely for the purpose of winning my race for reelection in 2016. Voters didn’t like Obamacare. It was that simple.” She called Garret’s action “a betrayal. I was promised that I could vote for repeal because President Obama would veto whatever we passed. Since Trump won’t veto what we pass the deal is off.”

Capito insisted that her 2015 vote “was a ‘show vote’ in compliance with the wishes of the Majority Leader. I was a brand new senator taking my cues from an old hand. In truth, I think the idea that people should be free to buy any old insurance they want is daft. They will use individualistic and selfish motives in making their choices. The genius of Obamacare is that it takes the decision out of the hands of the selfish and puts it into the hands of government experts. I understand that the guy paying $10,000 a year in premiums for coverage that comes with a $5,000 annual deductible will feel he isn’t getting good value for his money. However, the more important question is whether society as a whole isn’t better served by forcing him to subsidize the needs of others.”

Collins concurred with her West Virginia colleague asserting that “the kinds of policies many people would freely choose cover only major catastrophic expenses in the thousands of dollars range. They’d leave themselves vulnerable to having to pay for office visits and prescriptions that might amount to only a few hundred dollars. Granted, they’d still be out-of-pocket for the first $5,000 of these smaller expenses under Obamacare, but amounts in excess of the deductible could be partially reimbursed.”

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ken) called the health insurance standoff “a real dilemma. The compulsory nature of Obamacare has brought a surge of revenue to insurers and health care professionals. Obviously, if people are free to buy or not buy insurance some will not buy. That mean less money for insurers. People without coverage or with ‘bare-bones’ policies are less likely to seek professional medical care as often. Granted, even doctors admit that 90% of people get better without professional intervention, but doctors, nurses, hospitals need the income that the more robustly insured bring their way. What we need is a program that is nominally not Obamacare, yet still retains the muscle to direct a larger share of the nation’s income to the health sector.”

Congresswoman Negotiating Whether to Cooperate with Investigation

Former Democratic National Committee Chair Rep. Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (Fla) is in the midst of deciding whether or not to cooperate with DC police investigating possible violations of national security laws by her former top information technology (IT) aide, Imran Awan. Awan and several of his relatives are accused of abusing access granted by their Democratic Party employers to obtain and sell classified information.

Thus far, Wasserman-Schultz has been refusing to turnover computers used by Awan so police can examine them. She has claimed exemption from law enforcement saying that “according to the Constitution, members of congress are privileged from arrest. I am not some ordinary bumpkin who can be compelled to undergo police investigation. I’m part of the government. I have superior rights.”

The clause she cited may not be as broad an exemption as she imagines, though. The privilege from arrest applies only to attendance at a congressional session and the trip to and from that session. Further, there is no privilege in cases of “treason, felony, and breach of the peace.” Inasmuch as hiring ITs who purloin classified information and sell it might reasonably constitute both treason and felony offenses, Wasserman-Schultz’s obstruction of the investigation into these crimes would not seem to be privileged.

“Regardless of the nuances of the law, the computers are in my possession,” the Congresswoman boasted. “Secretary Clinton was allowed to delete part of her emails and smash all her phones rather than be subjected to the kind of invasion of privacy they’re trying to impose on me. As I see it, if they want to see these devices I need a non-revocable grant of full immunity. Then maybe I’ll turn them over.”

In related news, a new report released by the Treasury Inspector General of Tax Administration found that the IRS destroyed laptops containing critical records—even when those records were requested for use in pending litigation or criminal investigations. IRS Commissioner John Koskinen brushed off the findings as “old news. The expectation that the IRS could or should keep meticulous records is unwarranted. The volume of information is huge. The motivation to do quality work is nonexistent. The temptation to shirk and slack off is irresistible. The tax code is insanely complex. If Congress had any sense they’d repeal the whole damned mess.”

Hillary Says Poll Unfair

This week a Bloomberg poll found that former presidential candidate Hillary Clinton is viewed favorably by 39 percent of poll respondents. This is less than President Donald Trump’s 41%. She is viewed unfavorably by 58 perent. Trump is viewed unfavorably by 55 percent.

The former Secretary of State contended that the poll was an unfair comparison. “Every time I turn on the news it’s all about Trump,” she complained. “That’s a lot of free publicity. Even if most of it is negative, when you consider the sources—CNN, MSNBC, New York Times—it can’t help but boost his ratings. Being repeatedly attacked by media the general public doesn’t trust is driving people over to his side.”

Clinton urged the media to take a more balanced approach to its coverage. “I had a health care plan that failed long before Trump’s did,” she reminded. “I had dealings with the Russians. A lot of people don’t know it, but I helped sell 25% of America’s uranium to them. And that whole ‘reset’ thing was a big fiasco. And I helped craft policies that did more to disrupt world peace than anything Trump has yet conceived. If CNN and the others could start bashing me like they bash Trump I think I could narrow the gap.”

Judge Levies Fine for Exposing Planned Parenthood Crimes

Judge William Orrick levied a fine of $137,000 against David Daleiden and the Center for Medical Progress (CMP) for violating his “gag” order in the case against them related to their undercover investigative report on Planned Parenthood (PP). Dalieden and the CMP produced a number of covertly recorded videos of PP officials engaging in illegal sales of aborted baby parts.

“Mr. Daleiden may imagine himself a journalist going undercover to snare criminals,” Orrick said. “However, he is not a recognized member of any established journalistic outlet—neither TV, radio, print nor electronic. He is, to all intents, just a private citizen invading territory that belongs to outlets like CNN and the Washington Post. There is no constitutional protection for the eavesdropping he and his confederates did.”

California Attorney General Xavier Becerra, who is currently prosecuting Daleiden and others on 15 counts of “felony eavesdropping,” called CMP’s video evidence of crimes committed by PP officials “irrelevant. Even if we were to concede that selling baby parts is illegal, CMP’s videos were obtained through illegal means and are, thus, inadmissible. CMP personnel portrayed themselves as fellow criminals in their interactions with PP personnel to negotiate the sales of baby parts. As such, PP had a reasonable expectation of confidentiality. CMP’s publication of the videos breached the implied criminal compact and unfairly exposed PP to negative publicity. The damages could easily run into the billions. That cannot be allowed to go unpunished.”

The money from Judge Orrick’s $137,000 fine was turned over to the National Abortion Federation as compensation for attorney’s costs incurred in defense of PP, including “an exhaustive search of the Internet for all traces of CMP’s scurrilous videos.”

Mayor Apologizes for Police Shooting

This week Minneapolis police officer Mohamed Noor shot Justine Damond to death. Damond was unarmed and in her pajamas at the time of the slaying. The incident occurred after, Damond made a 911 call reporting a possible rape in progress outside her home. She was killed as she spoke to Noor’s police partner through the open window of the patrol car.

Whether Noor should have been employed as a cop seems more of a triumph of “diversity” than good sense. Those who know him have used words like “extremely nervous,” “jumpy,” and “the least little thing can set him off.” He has gained a reputation for angry outbursts at kids playing in his neighborhood. Police Chief Janee Harteau characterized the shooting as “not in compliance with either the training or the performance expectations we have for our officers.” Harteau was later fired by Mayor Betsy Hodges for these “insensitive remarks denigrating a fellow officer.”

Hodges asked that “we show some compassion for Officer Noor in his time of trouble. Coming from a very violent Somalia where the least hesitation could be fatal, it should not be surprising that he would shoot first and ask questions later. A lot has been made of the fact that a 40-year-old woman clad in pajamas and carrying a cell phone would not normally be considered dangerous. Well, Officer Noor says it was too dark for him to make out any of these details before he fired his weapon. Even if he had seen more, let’s not forget that women do commit some crimes and that cell phones are often the trigger for improvised explosive devices.”

“Neither should it matter that the other officer on the scene didn’t perceive a need to draw his weapon,” Hodges added. “Officer Harrity was raised in this country and has a better grasp of what is going on. For all he knew, though, Officer Noor could have been saving both their lives. That neither officer incurred any injuries is something we may have to thank Officer Noor’s quick reaction for or not. Maybe there never was a real threat.”

In a bid to calm tensions, Hodges issued an immediate apology to the City’s Muslim community to reassure them that “this incomprehensible tragedy will not divert us from our goal of putting more armed Muslims on the streets as members of our police force. Sad as Ms. Damond’s fate may have been, it is essential that we not allow this tragedy to wreak even greater havoc on our quest for an inclusive and diverse city workforce.”

In related news, Sweden’s National Police Commissioner, Dan Eliasson, went on national TV to plead for help as the hordes of Muslim refugees allowed to live in the country have “made it impossible for police alone to uphold the law.” While it is not clear what type of help a mostly disarmed Swedish population might render, official policy recommends that “everyone stay indoors, not engage in any unnecessary travel, and make sure your life and fire insurance is up-to-date.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Study Shows Twitter was Key to Trump Victory

JohnBy John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

A study from the University of Edinburgh analyzed 50 viral election-related tweets over the 68 days preceding last November’s presidential election and concluded that Trump’s campaign had a significant edge. “Two-thirds of the 3,450 viral tweets—which were retweeted about 26 million times—either attacked Clinton (39%) or supported Trump (23%). The other third either supported Clinton (14%) or attacked Trump (19%).”

In Trump’s twitter account 64% of the tweets had a positive message about Trump and 36% had a negative message about Clinton. In Clinton’s twitter account 48% of the tweets had a positive message about Clinton and 52% had a negative message about Trump.

Hillary for President campaign manager Robby Mook said “the study's findings highlight the fundamental

unfairness of allowing uninformed individuals to play such a large role in shaping the election dialog. We’re seeing a continuation of that now as President Trump is bypassing the traditional methods of communicating through the mainstream media and sending out salvos of unfiltered tweets whenever he feels like it.”

“Before the emergence of social media we had major media as the gatekeepers,” Mook reminisced. “They sorted out the worthy from the unworthy content and assured that all voters had the same information from the same sources. We need to get back to that system. Maybe the FCC can somehow regulate what can be tweeted, maybe require a license, maybe assess fines for unlicensed tweeting. In the case of President Trump, Rep. Jim Himes (D-Conn) has introduced a bill requiring at least two televised press briefings per week. The bill has good intent, but doesn’t go as far as it should. I think these press briefings should be the only way the President is permitted to communicate with the general public. That way the viewers could see the media challenge and rebut his lies rather than let them go unfiltered into the smart phones of the general public.”

Seattle Councilman Says Hosing Excrement off Sidewalk “Racist”

Councilman Larry Gossett bristled at a request for funds to clean human excrement from Seattle’s city streets near the Third Street courthouse, calling it “racist. It’s all part of a pattern of disrespect toward the minority community.”

The request for $8,000 to pay for the cleaning came from King County Sheriff John Urquhart who complained that “public defecation is only part of the problem. The homeless denizens of the area have been assaulting and harassing citizens reporting for jury duty. The jurors are asking judges to excuse them because they’re afraid to come to the courthouse.”

Gossett insisted that “putting the discomfort of white jurors who have access to indoor toilets ahead of the rights of the homeless who do not sends the wrong message to our children.” The Councilman vowed to personally participate in a “s— in” if the funds are appropriated, claiming “it’s turning the other cheek as Jesus asked us to do.”

Councilman Ronald Wussman proposed renaming the street to “Turd Street” as a “compromise,” pointing out that “the new name would serve to alert everyone to the hazards without unnecessarily disrupting the habitat or the behavior of those dwelling in it. In a way, the new name might be seen as an acknowledgment of the contributions this segment of society has made to our community.”

In related news, a 70-year- old Swedish woman is facing four years in prison for complaining on Facebook that “immigrants set cars on fire and urinate and defecate in the streets.” Dalarna prosecutor Lars Gütterswill explained that “while technically speaking, her remarks are true, they still constitute incitement to racial hatred.

The fact that she spoke the truth makes it worse since it prevents the aggrieved from credibly calling it a lie.”

Trump Jr. Meeting Proves Collusion

Former chairman for Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign John Podesta declared that the recent disclosure by Donald Trump Jr. that he met with a Russian lawyer hoping to receive information that would damage Hillary Clinton’s chances of being elected “is the final link in the chain of evidence proving that Donald Trump cheated his way into the presidency.”

“I mean, it’s not as if there wasn’t already a mountain of facts clearly establishing an intent to deny Secretary Clinton her rightful place as president,” Podesta contended. “At every turn the Trump campaign sought to portray her in a negative light—her policies were bad, she was corrupt, she was ill—you name it. The great irony is that what will ultimately sink him is that Trump tried to import Russian dirt rather than relying on American-made dirt.”

Podesta dismissed evidence showing Natalia Veselnitskaya’s connections to the Democratic Party and Fusion GPS as “irrelevant. Whether or not she was a covert operative for the Democratic Party isn't important. What is important is that Junior thought he was colluding with the Russian government.” Fusion GPS was the entity responsible for the anonymously-sourced and unverifiable “golden shower” dossier that emerged after Trump won the election.

Whether this latest development will lead to Trump’s impeachment would appear to be an uphill battle given the Republican majorities in both the House and the Senate. Nevertheless, Podesta expressed confidence that “a motion calling for the election to be voided and the presidency restored to its rightful owner will be put before an appropriate venue.” Sources say that “appropriate venue” will be before Hawaii Judge Derrick Watson. Watson has previously blocked Trump Administration bans against travel to the US from six terror-prone Middle Eastern nations.

Impeachment Resolution Introduced in House

Rep. Brad Sherman (D-CA) and Rep. Al Green (D-Tex) are cosponsoring House Resolution 438, a measure aimed at impeaching President Trump.

“When President Trump fired the man who was investigating his presidential campaign for colluding with Russia he obstructed justice,” Sherman argued. “It doesn't matter whether there was collusion or not. It doesn’t matter that the envisioned collusion, per se, is not a crime under the law. Firing FBI Director James Comey, in and of itself, is obstruction regardless of whether the campaign did or didn’t collude because it stopped Comey from continuing his investigation.” Green couched his support in terms of the projected favorable impact on the nation’s health and safety.

“According to a survey conducted by Detox (http://www.detox.net/uncover/what-would- you-give- up-for-alcohol/), 73% of Democrats would give up drinking alcohol for the rest of their lives if Trump is impeached,” Green said. “Each year alcohol causes 90,000 deaths and $250 billion in economic damage. Since impeaching Trump could save lives and money, Republicans should put partisan interests aside and agree to impeach Trump for the good of the nation.”

Abortion a “Tool to End Poverty”

In a recent interview with CTV News, Marie-Claude Bibeau, Canada's Minister of International Development and La Francophonie, called abortion a “tool to end poverty” and labeled the Catholic Church’s objections “illogical and self-serving.”

“Abortions reduce the number of people sharing the world’s resources,” Bibeau pointed out. “Culling the population in this manner means there is a bigger slice of the pie for each survivor. The Church’s opposition would condemn an ever-growing human herd to subsist on shrinking shares of material goods.”

“I try to be tolerant of their religious beliefs, but I can’t acquiesce to their sinister plan to promote overpopulation and its accompanying poverty as a means for increasing the size of their congregations, especially when the suffering that this would inflict can so easily be avoided through a simple and painless medical intervention,” Bibeau asserted.

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Trump Speech Defending ‘Western Values’ Denounced

JohnBy John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

President Trump’s defense of “western values” in his speech in Poland this week was condemned by a pair of left-wing magazines. The New Republic’s Jeet Heer called it “a paean to white grievance.” The Atlantic’s Peter Beinart called it “an outburst of racial and religious paranoia.”

“Mr. Trump’s unapologetic praise of life, liberty and pursuit of happiness puts ‘white values’ ahead of alternative perspectives,” Heer complained. “His pledge of support for the dignity of every human life is a thinly-veiled jab at a woman’s right to abort her unwanted child. His assumption that it is the hope of every soul to live in freedom insults those who place obedience to the collective above selfish individualism.”

As an illustration of how wrong Trump’s views are, Heer contended that “Trump’s aversion to the steady creep of government bureaucracy that he says drains the vitality and wealth of the people completely misses the mark. It is the bureaucracy’s intervention that prevents those who produce wealth from hogging it all for themselves. It is the bureaucracy that ensures a fairer distribution to all regardless of their role in production.”

Beinhart found “Trump’s assumption that the freedom engendered by white philosophers and politicians encourages creativity and innovation is offensive to the artistic output achieved by persons-of-color living under alternative philosophies and politics. His placement of faith and family ahead of government as the center of our lives rejects the gains that secular progressivism have brought to modern life.”

“Worse still is Trump’s selective endorsement of faith,” Beinhart added. “The faith Trump values is the ‘turn-the-other-cheek’ variety espoused by Jesus. Well, what about the faith Mohammed espoused? How can we consider ourselves culturally diverse if we insist on portraying a faithful Muslim fighting for Islam as an unacceptable life style? Isn’t there genuinely held belief that it is their obligation to convert or slay unbelievers just as valid as a belief that we must do unto others as we would wish them to do unto us?”

Lynch Defends Ending Clinton Email Investigation

Obama Administration Attorney General Loretta Lynch clarified her previous denial of communication with the Clinton campaign with a contention that “there was nothing improper about my assurances that I would not allow the probe into Secretary Clinton’s emails to go too far. Should an AG allow any investigation to go too far? I think promising to prevent that investigation from going too far placed reasonable limits that helped avert a situation where Republicans would be able to gain an unfair advantage during the campaign.”

“As a matter of fact, it was FBI Director James Comey who decided not to forward the case to me back in July of 2016,” Lynch pointed out. “While it looked like he laid out considerable grounds for a potential prosecution for a lengthy series of illegal actions on the part of Secretary Clinton, he decided not to recommend prosecution because he saw no intent.”

“Technically, the applicable statutes do not require that we prove intent in order to indict or prosecute someone for illegally using classified information,” Lynch admitted.

“That sailor who took photos of the submarine he served on so he could show his children had no intent to subvert national security but he was sent to jail. Then, too, it seems pretty obvious that Secretary Clinton’s intention was to hide some of her questionable emails from prying eyes. I guess different venues can lead to different application of the same laws. All I can say is that the effect on America from incarcerating one lowly sailor is inconsequential. That would not have been the case with Secretary Clinton. She is a very important person and her fate has major consequences for this country. I think taking that into consideration was what probably drove Director Comey to do what he did.”

Former Supreme Court Justice Criticizes Trump Travel Ban

Former Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens criticized President Donald Trump’s policy temporarily banning travel from six Muslim countries and averred that “if I were still on the Court I would have upheld the lower court decision to veto that policy.”

“I’m not indifferent to the need for national security, but we cannot put that ahead of religious freedom,” Stevens declared. “I do not deny that some of the precepts of Islam encourage adherents to take a hostile stance against non-Muslims, but we should not descend into intolerance of this religious difference just because it makes us uncomfortable, especially when a case can be made that the Christian admonishment to turn-the-other cheek appears to be symbiotically compatible with Islam’s demand that Muslims attack unbelievers.”

“I think European leaders who have urged that we learn to live with terrorism have a better understanding of the need to accommodate diversity,” Stevens mused. “The lives that would be lost to such an accommodation will surely be dwarfed by the number lost due to unmitigated climate change. So, from a practical standpoint, Trump has focused on the lesser threat.”

In related news, actor and open borders advocate George Clooney is moving his family out of the United Kingdom as a safety precaution. It seems that his international human rights attorney wife’s position that terrorists should be prosecuted has spawned a spate of death threats from ISIS. “The ease with which terrorists have launched high-profile attacks in this country and others in Europe presents too great a risk,” Clooney said. “In America we have the right to bear arms and can better defend ourselves.”

Cruz Health Care Compromise Labeled “Hoax”

Given the Republican Party’s inability to reach agreement on what will replace the failing Obamacare program, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Tex) has suggested that insurance companies be permitted to sell insurance plans that are exempted from Obamacare regulations as long as these companies offer at least one plan that is complies with these regulations.

“The same people that were eager to repeatedly vote to repeal Obamacare when Obama was president and sure to veto any repeal are loath to act now that there is a chance to succeed,” Cruz complained. “It looks like those votes were just for show. They gave the appearance of fulfilling a promise to those who elected Republicans. All that the leadership is willing to offer is a warmed-over Obamacare 2.0.”

Sen. Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) slammed Cruz’s proposal as “a hoax. It would put crucial decisions about health care in the hands of a woefully ignorant consumer. The best part of Obamacare is that the crucial decisions regarding coverage are made by government experts. We need to keep that in place.”

Sen. Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky) attributed the failure of Obamacare “to the inability of the insurance industry to make a sufficient profit without bigger subsides from the government. Cruz’s plan sacrifices this objective in order to allow consumers to save money by tailoring plans to meet their own selfish needs. His proviso requiring insurers to offer an Obamacare compliant plan won’t work. Compliant plans are too expensive and the huge deductibles make the coverage nearly useless. Consumers won’t voluntarily choose such plans. To succeed, government must compel consumers to buy compliant plans.”

Avalanche of Leaks Hurting National Security

A report just issued by the Senate Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs Committee reveals that the rate of leaks of classified documents since the start of the Trump Administration is seven times higher than during either of the two prior administrations.

Committee Chairman Sen. Ron Johnson (R-Wisc) called the leaks “extremely concerning. Divulging classified material undermines our nation’s ability to gather and use intelligence data. Federal employees entrusted with classified information are not authorized to decide on their own to leak this information to the media. If they have information they feel they have to impart outside the chain-of-command within the executive branch it is their legal obligation to impart this information to Congress.”

Johnson forwarded the report to the Department of Justice and “left it for Attorney General Jeff Sessions to decide whether any of these leaks warrant criminal prosecution.”

Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) characterized the report and the referral as “part of a pattern of intimidation being carried out by the Republicans. The fact of the matter is that there has never been a greater need for leaks than there is now. The members of the intelligence community are answering to a higher moral authority and shouldn’t be punished for breaking laws that should be broken given the dire straights in which the election of Trump has placed this country.”

CNN’s Chris Cuomo called Johnson’s actions “chilling. Trump is a whole different animal than either Bush or Obama. They understood the need for continuity of policy and governance. Trump has threatened this continuity by proposing to negotiate new and better deals with this nation’s adversaries. Rather than slavishly yield to the temporary ascendancy of a heretical outsider as president these deep-state patriots are doing the dirty work they’ve been trained to do when the wrong person is in charge.”

Former Obama Administration Deputy Attorney General Sally Yates blamed Trump for the leaks, saying that “Trump’s refusal to admit he colluded with Russia to rig the election forced members of the intelligence community to take the law into their own hands. For them to do otherwise would allow the ‘liar-in-chief’ an unimpeded path to run the country the way he sees fit.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Dems Vow to Obstruct Vote Fraud Investigation

JohnBy John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Efforts by the Presidential Advisory Commission on Election Integrity to obtain data that could provide evidence on whether vote fraud has occurred are being blocked by key Democratic officials at the state level. ”

Neither the fact that there have been academic studies indicating that as many as five million or more non-citizens have voted and that there are millions of individuals registered to vote in more than one state and despite some irregularities—including more votes cast than registered voters in some precincts in last November’s election—were viewed as sufficient cause for any investigation by Virginia’s Democratic Governor Terry McAuliffe.

“I cannot abide mucking about in the voter registration database unless someone comes forward with definitive proof that fraud has been committed,” the Governor said. “Mere suspicion is not enough to warrant the intrusion into voters’ privacy that the Commission’s information request would entail. This is just another Republican attempt to suppress the vote.”

California’s Democratic Secretary of State Alex Padilla rejected the Commission’s request for registration data on Fifth Amendment grounds. “Let’s say that some non-citizens did vote or that some voters voted more than once,” Padilla hypothesized. “These would be crimes, as would the actions of state registrars that aided, abetted, or ignored these illegal acts. I am not going to voluntarily participate in a probe that would effectively result in self-incrimination.”

Kris Kobach, the Kansas secretary of state serving as vice chair of the Presidential Advisory Commission on Election Integrity called the non-cooperative responses “disappointing. If there truly has been no vote fraud, as the Democrats contend, our investigation should confirm that. The charge that we are trying to suppress the vote is a ridiculous allegation totally lacking evidence.”

McAuliffe pounced on Kobach’s claim, calling it “illogical. Presumably, the GOP would strive to eliminate duplicate registrations and purge non-citizens from the rolls. Obviously, such actions would reduce the number of ballots cast. So, for them to try to deny that their actions won’t suppress the vote is clearly a lie.”

Iran to Contest Trump Travel Ban

Iran, the world’s top terror sponsor, expressed its “profound disappointment in the US Supreme Court’s decision to allow the Trump Administration to reinstate its ban on travel from Muslim countries to the United States,” and announced its appeal to the World Court at the Hague.

Iranian Foreign Minister Javad Zarif said “our appeal will be founded on the concept of fairness. The United States can project its military power around the world. It has the most weapons and the widest array of means with which to deliver them. Our only viable means of countering this is to infiltrate our warriors into America as refugees, immigrants, and visitors. If the battle for the future of the world is to be a fair one we cannot allow one side to neutralize opposition by such an inequitable policy.”

American Civil Liberties Union spokesman Bertram Petty acknowledged that “Iran’s case is innovative, but not without merit. Iran is a big underdog when matched against US military might. Their long-shot chance at victory hinges on their ability to smuggle jihadis and suicide bombers inside the US borders. If the Trump Administration’s travel ban is allowed to stand Islam’s odds of winning would be greatly diminished—perhaps impossible. I could easily see the World Court vacating the ban in order to produce a more level playing field.”

CIA Director Mike Pompeo called Petty’s speculations “insane. This is not some sporting contest where the winner gets a trophy. It is civilization against vicious murderers. Petty might just as well argue that home security systems unfairly deter or impede criminals from breaking into your home to rob, rape and murder you. The travel ban is a moderate countermeasure aimed at deterring and impeding terrorists who will not shy away from the most barbaric atrocities in their quest to impose their will on the world.”

In related news, Canadian Member of Parliament Iqra Khalid introduced legislation that would outlaw anti-Muslim hate speech. “The conflict between Islam and the unbelievers is unnecessary,” he argued. “The Quran commands all Muslims to respect every member of the faith. If we have laws that mandate that everyone refrain from expressing anti-Muslim views we will be one step closer to that joyful day when all share the same faith and we can all live in peace.”

Planned Parenthood in the News

GOP plans to cut funding to Planned Parenthood inspired some creative rationalizations from a couple of Democrats this week. House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (Calif) charged that Republican efforts to block tax dollars from going to fund abortions at Planned Parenthood “dishonors God. If God didn’t want us to abort unnecessary children why would He have allowed us to develop the technology to safely accomplish this?”

Sen. Cory Booker (NJ) likened himself and his fellow proponents of federal funding for Planned Parenthood to the soldiers who stormed the Normandy beaches in 1944. “We may not have to face the bullets and bombardment from entrenched Nazi hordes, but we are just as brave as those who did,” Booker lamely maintained. “The abortion services provided by Planned Parenthood are a vital front in our battle against a horde of unwanted offspring that would ravage our planet more thoroughly than the Nazis ever could have. They may call us ‘baby murderers,’ but we are ‘planet savers’ who each ought to get a ‘medal of honor’ for our courageous sacrifice on behalf of the future.”

California Attorney General Xavier Becerra is refiling charges against pro-life advocates David Daleiden and Sandra Merritt for their undercover exposé of Planned Parenthood’s illegal trafficking in aborted baby parts. This action came after a judge struck down 14 of 15 earlier charges.

Becerra insisted that “by portraying themselves as prospective participants in a criminal act Daleiden and Merritt unfairly deceived the officials at Planned Parenthood into making incriminating statements. This violated their Fifth Amendment right against self-incrimination. It also unfairly exploited Planned Parenthood’s expectation of confidentiality. Were we to let such a betrayal go unpunished others would be encouraged to similarly infiltrate and expose matters that Planned Parenthood and other organizations working to implement a progressive agenda would rather remain private.”

The California AG cited recent testimony from Minnesota in which Planned Parenthood employees were reported to have promised one anxious prospective late-term abortion client that “if the baby was to come out still alive and active, most likely we would break the baby’s neck” as “further evidence to support my case. Breaking a baby’s neck may seem cruel or indelicate, but it may be necessary to get the job done. Do we really want to go down a road that will cause every abortion practitioner to question whether normal procedures could land them in legal trouble?”

ISIS Jihadis Complain About Job Prospects

Now that the Islamic State is on the verge of defeat, some of those who are fleeing back to the European countries that sheltered them before they left to join the jihad are having difficulties finding jobs. Sweden is now grappling with how to reintegrate these men into society.

Returning jihadi Imak Udih complained, “I apply for a lot of jobs, but I can’t get any. They say that because I killed unbelievers in Syria I can’t be trusted. But I was just following my faith. Persecuting me for that violates my religious freedom.”

Swedish Culture and Democracy Minister Alice Bah Kuhnke has proposed that returning jihadis be given new identities. “A lot of people are going to prejudge these men,” Kuhnke said. “Just because they killed someone in the Middle East doesn’t mean they are going to go on a killing rampage in Sweden. We need a program that gives them a fresh start—new papers, a crime-free biography, a fake work history—so they can reintegrate themselves into Swedish life.”

Udih endorsed Kuhnke’s proposal calling it “a useful interlude in the battle for the world caliphate. Maybe my days on the front line of the struggle are over, but if I can get a decent job and a wife I can help sire the next generation of fighters.”

CNN Blames Trump for Fake News

This past week CNN was forced to fire a trio of its journalists for getting caught fabricating an untrue Trump/Russia collusion story. On top of this, several undercover operations conducted by people working with James O’Keefe revealed that assorted big wheels at the network knew that the whole Trump/Russia collusion story has been bogus from the very beginning.

In one video John Bonifield, CNN supervising producer was recorded saying that “the Russia story is mostly bullshit, but it was good for ratings. Ratings bring in profits. Given a choice between rigidly sticking to the truth and making a buck—well, we’re in business to make money. Truth is expendable.”

In another video, CNN commentator Van Jones assessed the Russia story as “a big nothing burger.” Unable to unsay those words, Jones argued that “what I said is less important than the fact that no one in the media likes O’Keefe. He is not an accepted part of the journalistic establishment. Those of us who are revile him and wish he’d go away. I urge all of those in CNN’s viewing audience to ignore whatever he has to say or show.”

In yet another video, CNN associate producer Jimmy Carr called Trump “f—–g crazy” and labeled voters “stupid as sh*t.”

CNN CEO Jeff Zucker defended his network and insisted that “Trump is the one who is to blame for all this. If he had lost the election like everyone thought he would we wouldn’t have to deal with him right now. But, against all odds he squeaked out a narrow win in the electoral college. Should we just sat by and let him ravage America unchallenged? No! We went the extra mile. Those who are criticizing us forget that FDR used deception to get this country into a war for civilization that had to be won. I think history will thank CNN and others who have risen to the higher morality of opposing the Trump tyranny by whatever means necessary.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Johnson Says DNC Refused DHS Help

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnThis week, former Department of Homeland Security Secretary Jeh Johnson testified before the House Intelligence Committee. Johnson became the latest former Obama Administration official to verify that there is no evidence of collusion between the Trump campaign and the Russians. Perhaps more relevant, however, was his puzzlement at the Democratic National Committee’s refusal of his proffer of assistance in the wake of their computers being hacked.

Considering what was at stake, I would have thought that putting the federal government’s expertise into play to protect the DNC’s confidential communications was a ‘no-brainer,’” Johnson said. “But despite my entreaties and offers from the FBI to do a forensic analysis to try to identify the origins of the hack of their email system, Chairwoman Wasserman-Schultz repulsed our aid.”

Former DNC vice chairwoman Donna Brazile, confirmed that federal officials had been in contact with her regarding hacking. “I talked to the general counsel of the DNC and he assured me that every step along the way we were notified of these issues,” Brazile said. “At no time did we ignore the warning from the FBI or any other federal officials.”

Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz (D-Fla) charged that “Johnson’s implication that I ignored his or the FBI’s warnings is a lie. I didn’t reject their help. From our perspective, even more important than keeping hackers from accessing our confidential files was keeping our covert operation to ensure that Hillary would have a clear path to secure the Party’s presidential nomination from being exposed. I’m proud to say that mission was accomplished.”

Wasserman Schultz lamented that “this extra boost we gave her was wasted by a lackluster campaign that neglected to make a case for voters to choose her over Trump. Now she’s trying to make that hack and me the scapegoat for her whole bogus ‘Trump cheated’ theme. Well, I’m not taking the rap.”

Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-SC) characterized Wasserman-Schultz’s comments as “essentially, an admission of a crime.” Wasserman-Schultz professed herself as “unconcerned” because “Sanders will never file a complaint. Without a victim’s complaint there is no crime to be prosecuted.”

Dems Stunned by Ossoff Loss in Georgia

In an election once widely touted by Democrats as “a referendum on the Trump presidency,” Democrat Jon Ossoff lost to Republican Karen Handel in Georgia’s 6th congressional district race. Ossoff nearly won the race in April’s open primary—garnering twice as many votes as his nearest competitor—but fell short of the 50% +1 vote majority required. Democrats were also buoyed by a five-to-one campaign spending edge and polls showing Ossoff with a comfortable lead (on the Monday before election day, Democratic polling guru Nate Silver gave Ossoff a 70% chance of winning).

Some Democrats blamed Ossoff’s attempt to appeal to moderates as “the fatal flaw in our Party’s strategy,” a masked antifa demonstrator opined. “As our street protests have shown, the way to succeed is to shutdown the other side by any means necessary. We’ve stopped dozens of conservatives from voicing their opinions in public forums. Who knows how many others we’ve deterred from even trying? If Ossoff had walked across the stage at that debate and punched Handel in the face it would have prompted more Democrats to get out and vote.”

Senator Chris Murphy (D-CT) blamed the non-stop talk about Russia for Ossoff’s defeat. “Trump has cleverly manipulated the media meme to focus on a non-existent Russian threat that has diverted everyone’s attention from his cruel domestic policies,” Murphy contended. “Trump has discouraged immigration to the extent that border crossings are down by 70% from last year. He has egged on state governments to enforce work requirements for welfare that have driven millions to take jobs they’d rather not have just to survive. In Maine alone, the GOP governor has pushed policies that have brought the state’s unemployment level to a 32-year low. Our Party’s ability to exploit the negative consequences of Trump’s policies at the ballot box needs to be revived.”

Rep. Filemon Vela (D-Tex) blamed House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, saying that “I think you’d have to be an idiot to think we could win the House with Pelosi at the top. The Party needs a new face if we hope to retake the House in the 2018 election cycle.”

Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz (D-Fla) countered criticism of Pelosi by insisting that “whether Nancy Pelosi inspires voters or not, she is a remarkable strategic legislator who has skillfully obstructed everything President Trump wants to do. It doesn’t matter whether we ever gain the majority in congress. Blocking Trump and the Republicans is crucial to a strategy focused on allowing the courts to enact the laws needed to transform the country into the progressive utopia we all envision for the future. Let’s not forget that it has been the courts that have legalized gay marriage. It has been the courts that have opened what used to be single-sex rest rooms a showers to the transgendered. It is the courts that have blocked Trump’s efforts to close our borders to immigrants and refugees. We mustn’t turn on a person that has done so much to make all of these gains possible.”

FBI Asserts Shootings at GOP Baseball Practice “Random Violence”

At a press briefing this week, Tim Slater, who leads the criminal division of the FBI’s Washington field office, endeavored mightily to portray last week’s assault on dozens of Republicans gathered to practice for a charity baseball game as a “purely spontaneous and random act of violence.”

Slater dismissed the testimony of witnesses who identified the shooter as the same man who moments earlier asked them if the men practicing were Republicans or Democrats as “insufficient to determine intent. Granted, he did go on to fire numerous rounds at these men, but we have no way of knowing whether he would’ve held his fire if he had been told they were Democrats.”

The discovery of a “kill list” comprised solely of the names of Republican congressmen in the gunman’s possession was deemed “inconclusive,” by Slater. “Mr. Hodgkinson could easily have had a similar list of Democrats that we have not yet been able to find. So far as we can tell the list of Republicans we recovered from his weapons locker was just a piece of paper.”

Likewise, Slater averred that “Hodgkinson’s numerous rants against Republicans in social media posts and letters-to-the-editor weren’t seen as especially useful in terms of discerning a motive for his actions. His anger at the way Sen. Bernie Sanders was treated in last year’s primaries could just as easily be taken as a motive for striking out at Democrats like Hillary Clinton or Rep. Wasserman-Schultz. Who’s to say that if he had not been shot by Capitol Police he wouldn’t have gone on to shoot those Democrats?”

Reports that Hodgkinson had previously told family members that he would be heading home later on the same day of the baseball field assault “doesn’t prove that he wouldn’t first have shot some Democrats,” Slater argued. “At the Bureau we require that there be evidence before we leap to any conclusions about the actions and intent of anyone we investigate.”

In related news, gunman Rollin Anthony Owens Jr. kidnapped a family in North Carolina and forced them to shop at a local Target store. After his arrest, Owens told Durham police that “my intent was to implement a ‘bottom up’ stimulation of the economy.” He contrasted his approach with “the Republicans’ failed ‘trickle down’ methods” and said he hoped that “my example of direct action will inspire other Democrats to get off their duffs and try to make a difference before Trump wrecks this country.”

Quake Alert Comes 92 Years Late

This past week the U.S. Geological Survey sent out an email alert warning of a 6.8 magnitude earthquake near Santa Barbara, California. A 6.8 magnitude is considered a “strong” quake and likely to cause moderate to severe damage to poorly constructed buildings. The fact that the alert was for an event that occurred in 1925 caused many to question the timeliness of the USGS warning.

USGS Director Suzette Kimball acknowledged that “while the specific utility of this particular alert was low, we shouldn’t discount the progress our Agency has made in the way of early warnings. The fact that we can send alerts out via email greatly enhances the speed and breadth of the alert. Everyone connected to the Internet can obtain this information much quicker than in the old days.”

Looking on the bright side, the 92-year lag due to the exacting processing and verification procedures we must follow did result in an amazingly accurate estimate of the magnitude of the event,” Kimball boasted. “We avoided the haste that might have resulted in the kind of inaccurate projections that have plagued the National Weather Service, Congressional Budget Office, and Bureau of Economic Analysis. I, for one, would rather be late with the right information than early with the wrong information.”

European Union Threatens Poland, Hungary

The absence of Islamic terror attacks in Poland and Hungary has been attributed to these countries’ refusal to take in an adequate portion of the flood of Muslim refugees that have swarmed into Europe over the last few years. The leaders of Hungary and Poland think this is a good thing. Hungarian Prime Minster Viktor Orban called these migrants “a poison” and said “every single migrant poses a public security and terror risk.” Polish Prime Minister Beata Szydło called the European Union’s policy of allowing mass migration from the Middle East “folly.”

EU Migration Commissioner Dimitris Avramopoulos slammed the governments of both countries “for not bearing their fair share of the grief that accompanies free migration. It is the policy of the European Union that all member states must accept an allocation of this grief as assigned by the Brussels authorities. Failure to do so will force us to impose sanctions.”

Polish Interior Minister Mariusz Blaszczak vowed his country will “choose the lesser danger of enduring EU sanctions over inviting savages to roam among us assaulting our women, attacking gays, and bombing our public places. We have seen the consequences in countries that have welcomed these migrants—rapes in Sweden, murders in London, nightly riots in Paris—and we say ‘no thanks.’”

Former US President Barack Obama said “this latest deterioration of the unity we all worked so hard for during my administration is disheartening. It’s frustrating that there is no court that can overturn Poland and Hungary’s racist anti-immigration policies like the US courts that have thwarted Trump’s similar animus against Muslims in America. I wish I could do more than urge Chancellor Merkel and President Macron to be patient. We’re working to unseat Trump and install a progressive alternative, but it will take time.”

In related news, the last remaining police station in the Järva area (a suburb of Stockholm with a majority Muslim population) is slated to be closed because “it is too dangerous for police.” Stockholm area regional police chief Ulf Johansson said “we can no longer justify putting our officers’ lives in danger. The area is too violent even for armed police to dare venture outside the building.” As for the Swedes still living in the area, he suggested that “as I understand it, they have the option of converting, submitting to Muslim rule, or moving—if they can get out without being killed. They will, of course, have to leave their non-portable property behind.”

McCain Says He Won’t Be Bought

Disclosure this week that George Soros, financier of international leftist agitation, has donated to Arizona Republican Sen. John McCain’s Institute for International Leadership has sparked some of the Senator’s critics to question his judgment.

In a bid to reassure everyone that he can “take money from anyone without compromising my principals,” McCain pointed out that “I have taken millions of dollars from Republican donors without letting them influence my views. In fact, the Institute was initially funded with $9 million in campaign donations that I never spent. The $100,000 Soros gave the Institute is tiny in comparison. So, I think people can be confident that my ability to ignore the wishes of my contributors is one of my stronger traits.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.