DNC Chair Assails Videos of Democrat Election Fraud

 JohnBy   John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

 The Democratic National Committee Chairperson Donna Brazile assailed videos from Project Veritas declaring that “these stolen tapes should not be permitted to be viewed by voters prior to the election. Posing as a Democratic Party intern for the purpose of secretly gathering inside information is just a lowdown dirty trick.

In a testy exchange with Fox News’ Meagan Kelly, the DNC replacement for the previously disgraced Rep. Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, who was forced to resign after leaked emails revealed that she was leading an effort to rig the Democratic nomination process to benefit Hillary Clinton, Brazile attempted to divert attention from the content of the video expose´ by asserting that the manner in which the evidence was obtained “renders it inadmissible” and predicted that “no prosecutor will ever bring charges against the Democratic Party.”

In the videos, Democratic “black ops” officials Scott Foval and Bob Creamer boasted of “paying mentally ill ‘street crazies’” to instigate violence at Trump campaign rallies and carting around bogus voters to cast multiple ballots “in states with weak voter ID laws.” Brazile contended that “the deception and betrayal of trust by Veritas’ phony volunteers goes beyond anything that we have previously seen. Campaign practices that have enjoyed 50 years of success are now threatened with neutralization by O’Keefe’s criminal trespass.”

Brazile also argued that “the emails stolen and published by Wikileaks are, as Secretary Clinton pointed out in the debate, a conspiracy by the Russians and Trump to undermine the November election. These emails were confidential communications. Their misappropriation by a foreign government is evidence of the threat to our democracy that Trump and his co-conspirators represent. No reputable news outlet will participate in repeating these lies to the American public.” She went on to forecast that “after she’s elected, President Clinton will most likely instruct her Attorney General to root out these enemies and put them out of commission.”

Ironically, in one of the leaked emails Brazile lamented “the despair of many Americans over the state of the economy. There are new jobs, but they are low-wage and part-time jobs. The economic stagnation that has hit this country puts President Obama, his policies, and his supporters in the Democratic Party in an extremely unflattering light that does not bode well for how voters may react when casting their ballots.”

In related news, the 69-year-old Sharon Teeter who claimed that Trump supporter 73-year-old Richard Campbell punched her in the face at a rally earlier this year now “remembers” that “he might have brushed me accidentally.” It seems that her memory was enhanced by her identification as a Democratic Party operative on the Veritas video of Foval calling her “one of our trained political activists.”

Administration Promises Saudis it Will “Fix” 9/11 Victims Law

Still smarting from a Congressional override of his veto of the Justice Against Sponsors of Terrorism Act, a law that allows victims of the 9/11 jihadi attack on the World Trade Center and Pentagon the right to sue foreign governments that aided the terrorists, President Obama has ordered Secretary of State John Kerry to work out a scheme with the government of Saudi Arabia to nullify the law.

In a meeting held this week, Kerry assured Saudi Foreign Minister Adel al-Jubeir that “we will figure out how we can adjust the law in a way that is mutually satisfactory to both our governments.”

Al-Jubeir warned that “numerous countries are looking at reciprocal measures to retaliate against this affront to Islam. If the Americans think that the alleged puny assistance my country may or may not have provided to the 9/11 attackers warrants this disproportionate response just let me remind them that there is much much more we could’ve done or might do in the future to make their lives miserable.”

The implied threat that Saudi Arabia might join the ranks of those Islamic nations openly financing terrorists moved Kerry to contend that “a compromise is essential if we are to avert a blood bath we are not prepared to rebuff. The wiser course is to accept the lesser evil of the ‘pin-prick’ attacks that we have seen since 9/11 than to provoke the enmity of our long-time Saudi allies.”

Madonna Makes an Offer

Included in her introduction of comedian Amy Schumer at a New York City performance, pop star Madonna told the audience that “if you vote for Hillary Clinton, I will give you a blow job.” It was not clear whether this was an inducement or a threat.

Audience member Richard Long of Queens found the prospect appealing. “Madonna said she’s not a douche and that she swallows,” Long pointed out. “That’s classy. Hillary’s got my vote.”

In contrast, audience member Anne Chester of Manhattan wondered “whether this is the kind of thing a Clinton supporter ought to be saying. Look at all the trouble Trump got himself into for his lewd talk. I mean, blow jobs from Monica are what got President Clinton impeached. It makes you wonder which side is more tawdry.”

For her part, Schumer saw the offer as “f*cking fantastic” and predicted that “there’ll be a stampede of guys who were going to vote for Trump racing to get in line for their turn to be serviced by a true artist.”

Obamacare in “Transition Phase”

Health insurance premium hikes and dwindling service alternatives under the Affordable Care Act were described by President Obama as “a transition phase of the program.”

Right now a lot of people are whining about having to pay more or having no choice of doctors or plans where they live,” Obama remarked. “All of these complaints originate from a selfish individual perspective. Sure, some isolated individuals may have to pay more and get less, but in the more crucial issue of our progress toward collective social justice we are on track.”

Before Obamacare, annual family premiums for employer-provided coverage cost an average of $13,000. This year those premiums are $18,000. For next year the already over-priced health plans mandated by the ACA have been authorized to jack up payments the insured must bear by 20% to 90% in various locations around the country. On top of these boosted prices, typical $5,000 annual deductibles result in most basically healthy individuals essentially getting zero benefits.

Meanwhile, the President’s unilateral and unauthorized multi-billion dollar bailouts of selected health insurance companies have not been sufficient to prevent a continued cascade of exits from the market by these companies. The resulting decline of options has been characterized as “a simplification that has spared many the difficult task of evaluating medical services that are really beyond their competence to evaluate,” said Secretary of Health and Human Services Sylvia Burwell. “Few are qualified to to assess what they need and how to get it. By pealing off the excess suppliers the ACA has lightened the burden of choosing for millions.”

Despite the unfavorable trends overtaking the ACA, presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has vowed “to make it better.” One of her proposed improvements is to make illegal aliens eligible for enrollment in the program. “Right now there are 30 million individuals living in the shadows because of their undefined immigration status,” she declared. “Making them eligible for health care is the humane thing to do.” The financial problems will be overcome “by the injection of money” obtained from “increased taxes on those who can afford it.”

In other health news, a Democratic National Committee tour bus was caught illegally dumping human waste from its on-board toilet onto a Lawrenceville, Georgia street this week. The DNC issued an apology for what it claimed was “an honest mistake. We had no idea that dumping hazardous waste onto a street could be illegal.”

Libertarian Bewails “Double Standard”

Libertarian presidential candidate and former New Mexico Governor Gary Johnson complained about the media’s “double standard” after they ignored Hillary Clinton’s geographic inaccuracy regarding Mosul while lampooning him as “an ignorant dope” when he failed to recognize “Aleppo.”

I wasn’t Secretary of State for four years like Hillary was,” he pointed out. “I was peacefully minding my own business. Why should I be expected to know such minutia? But she is the one who supposed to be the world’s smartest woman. She is the one who never ceases to remind us that she’s got 30 years of experience in government. If she’s so smart and experienced why doesn’t she know where Mosul is?”

MCNBC interviewer Mike Barnicle, who ambushed Johnson with the Aleppo question back in September defended the double standard saying that “Hillary Clinton’s bona fidesare not in dispute. She has already been thoroughly vetted by every major news outlet. We are confident that she knows what she is talking about even if she messes up. Johnson or Trump, on the other hand are the outsiders whose suitability for governing is questioned by every reputable source. Consequently, every misstep by these guys warrants our skepticism.”

In related news, President Obama forgave Hillary for revealing classified information on nuclear response times during her debate with Donald Trump Wednesday night. “These ‘senior moments’ are something that anyone of her age might experience,” he said. “I’m confident there was no intent to illegally divulge this information. Besides, even if our adversaries are aware that it takes four minutes to initiate a retaliatory nuclear strike I don’t see what advantage they’d gain by having that knowledge. So I forgive her and urge voters to make her our next president.”

Hillary “Horrified” by Trump’s Abortion Comments

At this week’s debate, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton professed herself “horrified” by GOP rival Donald Trump’s denunciation of partial-birth abortions as “ripping babies out of the womb” and criticizing the practice as “terrible” and “unacceptable.”

Granted, the elimination of these near term fetuses is a gruesome procedure,” she admitted. “But what’s more gruesome is Trump’s attempt to use these tragic medical interventions as a scare tactic to overturn the rights established by Roe v. Wade. For too long state legislatures across the country unfairly prohibited or restricted a woman’s right to an abortion. Fortunately, in 1973 the Supreme Court courageously stepped in to overrule these states. They didn’t let rigid adherence to out-dated notions of separation of powers deter them from voiding clearly unjust legislation.”

Trump found fault with Clinton’s position and averred that “the role of the Court is to enforce the Constitution and laws made legislatures. It is not authorized to make new laws if it is dissatisfied with what the people’s elected representatives have done.” Trump pledged that he would appoint judges who “will be pro-life,” “have a conservative bent,” and “interpret the constitution the way the founders wanted it interpreted.”

Clinton rebutted Trump’s position by pointing out that “the number of individuals harmed by partial-birth abortions is tiny compared to the millions of women who have benefited from the Court’s reinterpretation. Rather than try to rehash this issue it is time that we all adjust to the fact that the right to an abortion is now settled law and move forward instead of backward.”

In related debate news, Hillary defended using her role as Secretary of State to enrich herself, her husband, and the Clinton Foundation, insisting that “everything I did as secretary of state was in furtherance of our country’s interests and our values. That I and my family have prospered while I was doing that is what I would call ‘collateral benefits.’ I see no harm that it was a ‘win-win’ outcome.”

Media Assails Trump’s “Wait and See” Stance on Election

The broadcast news “talking heads” went into hysterics following Republican presidential contender Donald Trump’s refusal to automatically concede on election night if it looks like the votes go against him. On CNN, the commentators proclaimed Trump’s stance “a threat to our democracy.” All professed to have never heard such a statement at any previous presidential debate. Which is true because no other candidate was ever asked this question.

Whether Trump might have good reason to wait until he sees the election results for himself seems to be supported by several facts. On the one hand, there have been a number of pieces of evidence suggesting that fraud may play a significant role in deciding the outcome. The Wikileaks’ publication of DNC emails that detailed how the Democratic Party leadership rigged the primaries against Bernie Sanders is a veritable “smoking gun” from the current election cycle. The Veritas videos exposing DNC-financed efforts to commit fraud also make a compelling case for scrutinizing the returns.

On the other hand, there seems to be an ample opportunity to perpetrate fraud given the large number of invalid names on voter rolls. Nearly two million deceased persons are still registered to vote. Nearly three million persons are registered to vote in more than one state. Then there’s Clinton campaign chairman John Podesta’s suggestion that non-citizens could use state-issued driver’s licenses to register and vote. And leftist judges have voided state efforts to adopt voter ID requirements virtually everywhere except Indiana, where Democratic dirty tricks expert Scott Foval says “it’s easy to cheat.”

The same media that castigates Trump’s reluctance to simply accept the November media-reported outcome as final hypocritically defended 2000 Democratic presidential candidate Vice-President Al Gore’s refusal to accept the reported outcome on election day. Instead, he embarked on a legal challenge that took over a month to resolve.

President Obama tried to put it all into perspective by characterizing Trump’s objections as “whining. Nothing different is going on now. Every other Republican has accepted the verdict on election day, even though GOP complaints about election shenanigans have always been part of the rhetoric. His inability to take it like a man is further proof of his unfitness. I’m not surprised that genuine Republicans have universally condemned Trump’s caterwauling and sought to distance themselves from him.”

Whether Obama should have any credibility on this issue is in serious doubt. Bob Creamer, one of the architects of the long-running election fraud scheme uncovered by Project Veritas, visited the Obama White House more than 300 times and met with the President more than 40 times. However, Press Secretary Josh Earnest discounted the significance of these meetings because “the President is not the kind of person who would condone the kind of ‘dirty tricks’ of which Mr. Creamer is accused.”

In related news, Ohio Governor John Kasich (R) called Trump’s fear that the election could be rigged “ridiculous. My good friend George Soros’ company owns about half of the voting machines that will be used and he assures me that the election will be fair.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.





Clinton Campaign Calls Wikileaks ‘Violation of Constitutional Rights’

y  John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnThe flood of emails obtained from Clinton confidants detailing repeated instances of illegal, dishonest, and despicable behavior has provoked a howl of protest from the Clinton for President campaign.

“Lest anyone forget, let me remind them that these emails were purloined surreptitiously and illegally,” campaign manager Robby Mook complained. “By invading the privacy of people actively supporting Secretary Clinton’s election they have been forced to unwillingly testify against themselves. This compelled testimony is as flagrant a violation of the Constitution’s guarantee against self-incrimination as we have ever seen in a political campaign in our nation’s history.”

Among the revelations contained in the Wikileaks’ document release were emails disclosing that Hillary herself was the one who deleted the missing 33,000 work-related emails, that Phillipe Reines, then Senior Adviser to Secretary of State Hillary Clinton suggested ways of obstructing the handing over the emails that had been subpoenaed, and that Clinton campaign spokesman Brian Fallon was receiving illegal inside information on the Department of Justice investigation of Hillary’s email security breaches.

Mook likened the Wikileaks operation to “the illegal wiretaps that police sometimes tried to use against suspected members of organized crime. The courts have always tossed this kind of evidence and we are fully confident that they will toss any emails obtained without the writers’ freely given consent if this matter ever goes to trial, which is something I doubt President Obama would allow.”

In the meantime, Mook expressed gratitude that “the nation’s major media outlets have pretty effectively tossed the Wikileaks garbage out of the ‘court of public opinion.’ They realize that there is no need to get voters stirred up over events that should have no bearing on the upcoming election. What’s done is done. The bigger issue is whether this country will permit a person as unfit as Donald Trump to become president.”

Interestingly, a significant number of the emails exposed by Wikileaks revealed a close coordination between the Clinton campaign and the supposedly “objective” media. Nevertheless, Mook brushed this aside as “irrelevant,” claiming that “it should be no mystery that those who believe in truth and justice would share a common interest in determining who should run the government.”

In related news, another email exposed by Wikileaks showed former Clinton administration official Bill Ivey advising Clinton campaign chairman John Podesta to “conspire to produce an unaware and compliant citizenry,” but warned that “the unawareness remains strong, but compliance is fading rapidly. This problem demands some serious thinking and demographically-inspired messaging.”

Wikileaks Exposes Democrats’ Disdain for Catholicism, Latinos & Blacks

One of the latest batches of emails made public by Wikileaks revealed that key Clinton supporters have expressed low opinions of Catholic doctrines. Clinton campaign communications director Jennifer Palmieri labeled them “backwards.” Center for American Progress (a public policy advocacy organization founded by Hillary Clinton’s 2016 Campaign Director John Podesta) senior fellow John Halpin called conservative interpretations of the religion “an amazing bastardization of the faith.” And Podesta has been working with billionaire financier of left-wing causes George Soros to promote a “Catholic Spring” modeled on the “Arab Spring” that has successfully replaced the secular government of Egypt with jihadi fanatics.

Julie Roginsky, a Democratic strategist, appeared on Fox News to defend the disdain, saying that “reform of the Catholic Church is long overdue. The majority of Catholics disagree with the hierarchy’s positions on abortion and same-sex marriage. Why shouldn’t the Democratic Party assist this majority to throw off the shackles of an erroneous dogma and rewrite beliefs using a majority rule approach?”

Roginsky hailed the Obama Administration’s progress “in breaking down out-dated thinking that would bar the government from funding pregnancy termination services that benefit women of all faiths. Churches must not be allowed to refuse to participate. Religious rigidity must yield to social justice. We have elections to select those who govern us. These elections give moral weight to the policies that are decreed by the government. It is everyone’s obligation to submit to the rules laid down by the president and the courts.”

“There is no downside for the Democratic Party from these Wikileaks disclosures,” Roginsky insisted. “First of all, few people will see or hear of the comments made in these emails. Second, whatever scraps of information do sneak through will be filtered and interpreted by our allies in the media. Finally, polls show that the majority of Catholics are with us on this. So, I think that’ll be game, set, and match for Hillary Clinton and the entire Democratic slate up and down the ballot.”

Another Podesta email lamented the necessity of having to deal with “needy Latinos. All we want are their votes, not their policy ideas. Hillary knows how to govern. These amateurs need to play the role we’ve already laid out for them.” Podesta also took a swipe at blacks calling them “never-do-wells who fare badly almost irrespective of circumstances. Luckily, they appreciate that while Democrats have sawed off the lower rungs of the ladder to success they see that we have enacted the welfare benefits that allow them to survive.”

CNN Irked at Chant

In a post-debate campaign rally GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump continued his charges of media bias by referencing the three-on-one (two moderators and Hillary Clinton vs. Trump) format of the Sunday night face-off. The crowd began chanting “CNN sucks,” much to the dismay of a few CNN “talking heads,” including Chris Cuomo, Alisyn Camerota, Brian Stelter, and Bill Carter.

Cuomo characterized the crowd response as “dangerous and unprecedented. We haven’t treated Trump any differently than any other Republican nominee. All of them—Romney, McCain, Bush—took it in stride without complaining. That Trump would make an issue out of it shows his political naivete.”

Stelter agreed saying, “this is much worse than what we’ve seen in the past. I mean, it’s not as bad as the mobs that have burned down buildings and assaulted people after cops have shot another unarmed black man, but, jeez, these are Republicans. They’re supposed to have self control.”

Camerota found “the disrespect for reporters intolerable. We are the eyes and ears of America. We bring the news into everyone’s home. Impugning our integrity as Trump has so wantonly done undermines the public’s faith in the accuracy of our reports. And as you’ve said, Chris, no Republican before Trump has ventured into this uncharted and dangerous territory.”

“You’re right Alisyn, we are the ‘fourth estate,” Cuomo asserted. “Trump’s irresponsible attack on our objectivity threatens the very foundation upon which our way of life depends. Something bad is going to happen and it will be all his fault.”

RAF Has “Green Light” to Fire on Russian Jets

The risky nature of the United States’ entanglement in the Syrian civil war ratcheted up a notch when pilots of our NATO ally, the United Kingdom, were given the okay to shoot down Russian fighter aircraft if they feel threatened by them.

Current Secretary of State John Kerry and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton have both spoken of the “need to confront Russia” in Syria. At last Sunday’s presidential debate Clinton contrasted her strong stance in support of a “no fly zone” in Syria with presidential rival Donald Trump’s “cowardly preference for avoiding the steps necessary to counter this nation’s chief adversary.”

For his part, Trump questioned the logic of the US policy in the region. In his view the main adversary is ISIS. He went on to suggest that the United States and Russia joining as allies to fight these terrorists might be the more sensible course of action. “I know that our two countries have had differences,” Trump said. “We may not see eye to eye on some things, but Russia seems civilized compared to the Islamic terrorists who bomb innocent civilians, behead hostages, stone women who object to being raped, and throw homosexuals off of high rise buildings.”

This weekend President Obama and his top foreign policy advisers have scheduled a meeting to discuss options for dealing with the Syrian military crisis. One option entails US bombing of Syrian military deployments. The downside of exercising this option is the co-mingling of Russian and Syrian forces in the target zone. “No one likes the optics of US planes bombing Russian troops,” said a source requesting anonymity. “It would be orders of magnitude worse than the Cuban missile crisis that almost led to nuclear war in 1962.” Clearer heads are said to be favoring providing more weapons to the al-Qaeda forces opposing the Assad regime that governs Syria.

As if this weren’t unsettling enough, the US Air Force has been practicing simulated nuclear bomb missions in the Nevada desert. In one test run B-2 bombers dropped a pair of dummy 700-pound warheads. Over at Langley, the CIA is prepping a covert cyber attack designed to harass and embarrass the Russian government.

Meanwhile, Russia has ordered relatives of government officials living abroad to return home. “This is all part of the package of measures to prepare elites for some big war,” said Russian political analyst Stanislav Belkovsky.

Former Soviet Union leader Mikhail Gorbachev concurred, “I think the world has reached a dangerous point. I don’t want to give any concrete prescriptions, but I do want to say that this needs to stop. It is necessary to return to the main priorities. These are nuclear disarmament, the fight against terrorism, and the prevention of an environmental disaster.”

Green Party presidential candidate Jill Stein found the deteriorating situation “ominous. We may be closer to nuclear war than ever. That the Obama Administration and the Clinton campaign appear ready to escalate further is pure insanity. Though it pains me to say it, after watching the latest debate, it looks like Trump was the one with his head on straight on this issue.”

In related news, it appears that the $1.7 billion in ransom paid to Iran for the release of four hostages earlier this year was used to fund the missiles used by an Iranian-backed terror cell in Yemen to attack a U.S. Navy ship in the Red Sea this week. Press Secretary Josh Earnest maintained that “there’s no way to tell whether is was the same money or not. But even if it was, Iran is a sovereign nation and has every right to spend its resources as it deems best for its people.”

Clinton Boasts of Diverting Funds from Terrorists

In one of the Clinton emails Wikileaks published this week former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton acknowledged that American “allies Qatar and Saudi Arabia are providing clandestine financial and logistic support to ISIL (ISIS) and other radical Sunni groups in the region.”

Qatar and Saudi Arabia have also been very generous to the Clintons. Back in August they each ponied up a million dollars as a birthday present for former President Bill Clinton. Far from being embarrassed, Clinton boasted that “this represents $2 million that was diverted from funding terrorists. I challenge Trump to prove he has diverted a single cent from going to terrorists.”

The birthday gift isn’t the only generosity displayed by the Clintons’ Middle Eastern friends. After receiving a $10 million donation to the Clinton Foundation from Saudi Arabia in 2011, Hillary Clinton approved a $29 billion sale of advanced fighter jets to that nation.

While the sale to the Saudis was the single biggest sale, it wasn’t the only one she approved under questionable circumstances. In total she authorized over $160 billion in sales to Middle Eastern countries that her own State Department had criticized for human rights abuses, corruption, and aiding terrorists. The only saving grace was that these countries had donated a total of more than $50 million to the Clinton Foundation.

One supposes that “diverting” $50 million from being handed over to terrorists is a good thing. But perhaps arming the nations that help sponsor terror with $160 billion in the latest weapons is not a good thing.

More Democrat Election Fraud

In two new undercover videos obtained by Project Veritas Democratic Party workers openly talked about “dirty tricks.”

In Florida, Wylie Mao, a field organizer for the Clinton campaign said that ripping up registration forms from Republicans would be “cool strategy. It works on several levels. Every Republican we sign up can be completely neutralized as a voting threat. He thinks we’ve turned in his registration form. So he doesn’t go and register with the County Recorder on his own. He tootles along until election day when he tries to vote. Since his name isn’t on the official list the best he can do is cast a ‘provisional ballot’ that will later be discarded. It’s another win for the good guys.”

In New York, Alan Schulkin, the New York Democratic commissioner of the Board of Elections, confirmed that  vote fraud “is organized and widespread. Party workers will load up buses with volunteers who will be driven to different precincts to cast the ballots of people registered but not voting because they are dead or no longer living in the area.” Schulkin disapproved of the fraud and blamed it on “Mayor DeBlasio’s edict to issue non-verifiable ID cards to any person who asks for one. There’s no vetting of any of these people. Anyone can get as many ID cards for as many different identities as he wants. I think this effectively eliminates an honest election in this city.”

In related news, a leaked strategy memo from the Pennsylvania Democratic Party outlined the activities of a “Black Pod” operation. The activities include stealing Trump/Pence yard signs, posting Clinton/Kaine signs without the homeowner’s consent, and vandalizing cars that have Trump bumper stickers “to create a psychological climate unfavorable to such displays.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.


Clintons Mock Trump’s Lewd Conversation from 2005

By  John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnA Washington Post story about a lewd conversation between Donald Trump and Billy Bush of “Access Hollywood” in 2005 was viewed with scorn and derision by both Bill and Hillary Clinton.

Bill homed in on Trump’s description of his attempt to seduce a woman by offering to buy her furniture. “What kind of a loser has to stoop so low to garner the attentions of aB?” he asked. “On top of that Trump admits that he failed to achieve his objective. Kissinger was the one who had it right—power is the ultimate aphrodisiac. Maybe if Trump had been a governor or president he would’ve had better luck.”

Hillary cited the crude talk as “further proof of his unfitness to be president. Anyone who’s view of women is so crass and disrespectful doesn’t belong in the Oval Office.” Hillary dismissed suggestions that Trump’s attitudes might resemble her husband’s, saying “for the record, Bill has neither been convicted or even indicted for inappropriate behavior toward women,” and alleged that “the women who accused him have all been discredited. That’s why you won’t see the media repeating their lies.”

There might be some technical validity to Hillary’s contentions. After all, Bill was never indicted. He was impeached by the House of Representatives for perjury rather than for inappropriate behavior toward women. Though he was not convicted by the Senate he was stripped of his license to practice law. And the mainstream media, which has openly veered from journalistic ethics to try to ensure another Clinton presidency, has steadfastly neglected to pursue the testimony of the many women claiming they were physically molested, or worse, by Bill.

Sen. Claire McCaskill (D-Mo) defended the Clintons, claiming that “the good they both have done on the political front for women by ensuring that abortions remain freely available outweighs whatever either of them may have done to harm them on a more personal level. Even the high estimates of the number of women fondled or assaulted by Bill and the number whose reputations were smeared by Hillary only amounts to a few dozen individuals. Against this small negative number millions of women have been aided in terminating unwanted pregnancies thanks to the tireless efforts of the Clintons against those seeking to limit this vital women’s right.”

To date, the worst that can be said of Trump his that his words have sometimes been unkind toward women. No women have come forward with anything stronger than to say “he called me fat” or “he said I was ugly.” The question is whether Trump’s words are worse than Bill’s actions or Hillary’s efforts to trash the reputations of his accusers. Perhaps voters will render a verdict on this come November.

Will the US Go to War with Russia over Syria?

Tensions surrounding the war-torn nation of Syria ratcheted up this week with Secretary of State John Kerry charging Russia with war crimes, Russia threatening to shoot down US planes that attack its Syrian government ally, and US Army Chief of Staff General Mark Milley boasting to the Russians that “we will beat you harder than you have ever been beaten before.”

On one side we have the Russians and the murderous Assad regime. On the other side we have the bumbling Obama Administration and its confusing alliance with anti-Assad jihadis. The unanswered question is whether the issue of which side wins is worthy of a war with Russia. Secretary Kerry seems to think it is.

I’ve argued for the use of force in Syria,” Kerry said. “The war crimes being committed by Russia and Syria are reminiscent of those committed by the Nazis and Japs in World War II. We didn’t back away from the challenge then even though the cost in lives and money were substantial. Humanity demands that we not back away now.”

Kerry went on to argue that “the possibility that Donald Trump might win the upcoming election makes it more imperative that action be initiated before he gains the power to block it. From his public remarks about NATO, Putin, and the Cold War it is clear that he is outside the consensus of decades worth of thinking on these matters. The notion that the United States might live on friendly terms with Russia or even become allies with them against an imagined Islamic threat is the opposite of what the Obama Administration stands for. It mustn’t be allowed to happen.”

In related news, the US Department of Justice decided to drop its case against Marc Turi for illegally trafficking in weapons when it discovered that Turi’s sale of armaments to jihadi terrorists in Libya was part of a scheme originated by the State Department during the tenure of Secretary Hillary Clinton. Attorney General Loretta Lynch apologized for persecuting Turi and wasting everyone’s time, saying that “if we had known that Mr. Turi had documentary evidence backing up his claim to have been working on behalf of the State Department we’d have never moved against him. We are closing the books on this case and regret any embarrassment it may have caused any of those involved.”

Court Rules States Cannot Reject Refugees

Judge Richard Posner, writing for the three-judge panel of the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Seventh Circuit, ruled that “governors have no authority to reject Syrian refugees being sent to their states. Neither do mayors, landlords, or homeowners have the right to block the placement of refugees in their towns, buildings, or households if that is what the President determines is in the best interest of the country. The idea that any of these other parties can refuse to cooperate in the refugee relocation program just because they deem it dangerous is not supported by law or the Constitution.”

In support of the court’s decision Posner characterized the risks accompanying the importation of refugees from areas infested with Islamic terrorists as “low. In the last year there have been only 62 attacks mounted by jihadis in America. Only 64 people have been killed. In comparison, 16,000 people were murdered by non-jihadis during the same time period. Likewise, there were 35,000 traffic fatalities in this time frame. So, in terms of the odds for meeting a violent death, letting a few terrorists into a state or city will make little difference.”

Clinton campaign spokesman Robby Mook hailed the court’s ruling as “a vindication of Secretary Clinton’s proposal to boost the importation of Syrian refugees by 500% if she’s elected president. For Trump to try to parlay the tiny increase in danger into a winning campaign issue is futile. We’re confident that voters will see through his scare mongering and accept the minor hike in their daily risk as a price they’re willing to pay to have the most qualified person ever to seek the presidency as their new Commander-in-Chief.”

Voter “Irregularities” Popping Up Across the Nation

As election day grows nearer reports of voter irregularities are surfacing in numerous locations around the country.

In Texas, the Attorney General’s Office is investigating a vote-harvesting scheme involving as many as 20,000 bogus ballots in Tarrant County. The vote harvesting scheme entails Democratic Party operatives “helping” the elderly, mentally incapacitated, and the economically disadvantaged fill out their ballots, if not actually forging signatures and manufacturing non-existent voters.

In Philadelphia, a spot check by Joseph Vanderhulst, an attorney with the Public Interest Legal Foundation, found that 86 non-citizens have been registered to vote for years with half of them casting ballots in at least one election. City officials explained that “if the citizenship box on the welfare application form is blank we go ahead and register them to vote just to be on the safe side.” Oddly, 59 applicants with blank citizenship boxes were registered as Democrats, 21 as independents, and 6 as Republicans—ratios officials claim “are proportionate to legally registered voters in the City.”

In Indiana, an investigation of voter registration fraud has been extended to 56 different counties. The inquiry was sparked by a discovery that “the Indiana Voter Registration Project was altering already registered voter’s information and changing the voter’s address to an address not associated with the voter without the voter’s knowledge or consent,” Secretary of State Connie Lawson said in a statement. Craig Varoga released a statement on behalf of the Indiana Voter Registration Project calling the investigation “a racist attempt to disenfranchise 45,000 African-Americans.” Lawson called the charge “outrageous. We don’t ask for race or ethnicity on our voter registration applications. There’s no way we could single out anyone for racial reasons.”

In Ohio, an electrician stumbled across a dozen black, sealed ballot boxes filled with thousands of Franklin County ballots with votes for Hillary Clinton and other Democrat candidates already filled in. Since early voting in Ohio doesn’t start until October 12 these ballots can’t be genuine. Why they would be hidden in a basement electrical closet seems suspicious.

In Virginia, a sampling of eight localities found more than 1,000 non-citizens registered to vote. The sampling was undertaken when the Virginia Voters Alliance noticed that the northern Virginia city of Alexandria had more people registered to vote than eligible voters who lived there. Gov. Terry McAuliffe (D) responded by ordering officials in other Virginia localities to ignore any further requests from the Virginia Voters Alliance for voter registration information.

In Connecticut, State Rep. Christina Ayala (D-Bridgeport) was arrested for voting in 19 in local and state elections in districts where she she did not live. The Elections Enforcement Commission also recommended criminal charges be filed against her mother Santa Ayala, the Democratic registrar of voters in Bridgeport.

In related news, First Lady Michelle Obama delivered a fiery speech In North Carolina urging voters to elect Hillary Clinton because “we need someone who’s honest and plays by the rules as our next president.” Half the audience laughed. The other half audibly gasped.

Clinton Wins Straw Ballot at San Quentin Prison

In what was billed as a preview of a newly passed California law that will permit imprisoned felons to vote for real next year, a limited trial run was conducted by the inmate-run newspaper at San Quentin State Prison this week. The inmates were given an opportunity to vote for president of the United States and on Proposition 62, which would outlaw capital punishment.

Democrat Hillary Clinton won with 79% of the vote. Green Party candidate Jill Stein finished second with 11%. Donald Trump was third with 9%. Editor of the inmate paper Arnulfo Garcia speculated that “the results might reflect a greater feeling of comfort with the Democrat. On a personal level, many of the men I’ve talked to express an admiration for her ability to break the rules and elude consequences. On a political level, they feel that Democrats are more in sync with their values. Mrs. Clinton’s decision to side with Black Lives Matter in their battle with the police has won many over to her side.”

On Proposition 62, inmates voted 91% in favor of repealing the death penalty. Garcia observed that “from my discussions with inmates it seems that most of the so-called murders were really accidents. They hit a person harder than they intended, stabbed him more than they should have, or shot him out of nervousness. In other cases, the claim is that the victim brought it on himself by resisting, not following instructions in a timely manner, or just being a jerk who needed killing.”

Sponsor of the legislation Assembly Woman Shirley Weber (D-79th District) praised the mock election as “a promising glimpse of a bright future. It is long past the time when we ought to have recognized that criminals are also human beings and deserve the right to participate in the election of our government. They shouldn’t be slaves to laws created without their consent. Who knows, maybe if prisoners had been voting all along the crimes of which they were convicted wouldn’t have been crimes and they wouldn’t be in jail now.”

In related news, in this week’s vice-presidential debate Democratic candidate Sen. Tim Kaine (Va) pronounced his “most difficult moral dilemma as a Catholic when I was Governor was grappling with the death penalty.” He contrasted his personal opposition to “killing a real human being” with “Republicans’ obsession with denying women the right to control what comes out of their own bodies. There’s no proof that these partially formed biological masses are true human beings as we understand it.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.


FBI’s Latest Email Disclosure Has Surprising Content

 By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnWithin the latest Friday evening document “dump” from the FBI was evidence that Hillary Clinton’s lawyers deleted 1,000 emails between General David Patraeus. At the time Hillary was Secretary of State Petraeus led US Central Command and later became director of the CIA.

While it would appear that communications between the Secretary of State and Patraeus would be work-related, Hillary offered a different explanation. “David is a very avid yoga enthusiast,” she said. “He and I were in regular communication comparing notes and engaging in some friendly competition to see who could complete the most exercises each week. So, it should be no mystery as to why my lawyers erased those emails.”

Rep. John Ratcliffe (R-Tex) called Clinton’s explanation “as ludicrous a lie from a high ranking government official as one could imagine. The idea that these two were yoga workout buddies is laughable. It is obvious that this woman has no shame. It is also obvious that the FBI investigation of her emails was a charade. Clearly, Secretary Clinton lied under oath on several occasions. Clearly, there was a pattern of obstruction to the erasure of emails and disappearances of numerous mobile devices. Heck, there’s even an email chain with the words ‘Hilary coverup operation’ in the ‘subject’ line in messages sent to and from Hillary Clinton. For FBI Director James Comey to assert that he found no evidence of intent to break the law defies logic and common sense.”

A possible rationale for Comey’s willful blindness on the matter may have been the discovery of emails from President Obama among the recovered deleted messages. Interestingly, the President used a pseudonym to sign his emails. For the record, Obama has denied that he had any knowledge of Clinton’s illegal email practices. Yet, amazingly, he was still able to communicate with her using this illegal arrangement.

Press Secretary Josh Earnest insisted that “the presence of the President’s emails in this system doesn’t prove he consciously knew anything about it. He could have merely been replying to emails originated by Secretary Clinton. He could have used a fake name as a security precaution. In any case, all of this is moot because the investigation has been closed by the Department of Justice and all of the principal co-conspirators have been granted immunity. So, even if a ‘smoking gun’ were to be uncovered there’d be nothing anyone could do about it.”

In related news, WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange released 1700 of Clinton’s emails that he says “show her role in the absolutely disastrous intervention in Libya, which led to the occupation by ISIS of large segments of that country and facilitated weapons going over to ISIS affiliated jihadists in Syria. She was the instigator of an expanded conflict and must bear responsibility for the deaths of thousands of noncombatants at the hands of the bloodthirsty Islamists that were armed and emboldened by her actions.”

Clinton Sics Machado on Trump

At this week’s presidential debate Hillary Clinton contended that rival Donald Trump had “cruelly abused” Alicia Machado, 1996’s Miss Universe, alleging he called her “Miss Piggy” for getting fat during the year she held the title. According to Hillary “this shows the kind of deplorable disrespect for women that proves him unfit to be president.”

For her part, Machado admits that she has no witnesses to back up her claims of “mental abuse,” but insists that “Trump is a horrible person.” What recorded evidence there is suggests that contrary to abusing Ms, Machado, Trump actually tried to help her. When his CBS partners in the Miss Universe consortium wanted to replace Machado with the less rotund runner-up, Trump worked to give her a second chance. While acknowledging that stress can make a person overeat, like he himself has done from time to time, Trump recommended weight reduction training so she could fulfill her contractual obligations.

Since completing her term as Miss Universe Machado went on to engage in some dubious behaviors including threatening a Venezuelan judge in 1998 who was handling the case of her boyfriend who was charged with attempted murder. In 2005 Ms. Machado apparently had sex with host Fernando Acaso on an episode of the La Granja Spanish TV show. This escapade broke up her engagement with then Philadelphia Phillies baseball player Bobby Abreu.

Clinton campaign manager Robby Mook didn’t dispute the checkered past of Ms. Machado, but questioned its relevance. “The issue is Trump’s treatment of women,” Mook argued. “Whether these women be of high or low caliber shouldn’t matter. Voters need to focus on only one thing: do we want a man like Donald Trump as our next president? Or do we want a woman of dignity and distinction like Secretary Clinton? It’s that simple.”

In related news, in an effort to deflect potential criticism of how she has treated women that “became involved with her husband,” Hillary told Washington Post reporter Shawn Boburg that “both Bill and I felt for these unfortunate misguided souls. Sadly, there are many mentally unstable women who fantasize about receiving the attentions of a powerful man. We always tried to reach out to those who accused Bill of improprieties and reassure them that they were always in our thoughts, that we were willing to do whatever we could to help because, as you know, Bill is hypersensitive to the pain of others and would do whatever was necessary to try to end it.”

Passenger Bumped from Seat to Appease Muslims

Booking her flight in advance and paying for her “guaranteed” seat didn’t ensure that Mary Campos would get what she ordered. As she arrived at the boarding gate she was bumped to a different seat to “accommodate the cultural beliefs” of two Muslim men.

United Airlines spokesperson Amir Fuol explained that “we regret that Ms. Campos was unhappy with the handling of the seat assignments on her flight. United holds our employees to the highest standards of professionalism and has zero tolerance for discrimination.”

Campos complained that “this blather from Mr. Fuol explains nothing. How do the beliefs of a pair of foreigners trump my right as an American to equal treatment?”

Fuol maintained that “the switch was as much for Ms. Campos safety as it was a show of respect for different cultural practices. Would she really have preferred to be seated next to two men whose inexperience with scantily clad American women may have resulted in her being fondled or worse? She would be suing us for sure had we rashly seated her so close to these men.”

In related news, YouTube has blocked trailers for the faith-based movie I’m Not Ashamed on the grounds that “its overt and unbalanced promotion of the Christian religion may be deemed offensive by persons of other faiths and as such it can be construed as ‘hate speech.’”

Dead People Submit New Voter Registrations in Virginia

A number of new applications for voter registrations recently submitted in Harrisonburg, Virginia were discovered to carry the names of persons recently deceased. The “anomaly” came to light when an employee in the registrar’s office noticed that one of the new registrations was for Richard Claybrook Sr., the late father of a well-known local judge. Ultimately, 19 of the applications submitted by Andrew Spieles, a member of the Young Democrats club at James Madison University, on behalf of the community activist group “Harrisonburg VOTES” were deemed suspicious.

Republicans are incensed. Virginia House Speaker William Howell (R-Stafford) asked “how often do we hear our Democrat colleagues suggest that voter fraud doesn’t exist or is a myth? Well, this is just one piece of evidence that continuing efforts to defraud the election process are real.”

Del. Marcus Simon (D-Fairfax) pooh-poohed GOP concerns and called the recent flap “small potatoes” and the perpetrator “inept. Registering ineligible voters doesn’t mean illegal votes will be cast in their names. Votes would still have to be cast either in person by elderly impostors or through absentee ballots. There are additional steps that would have to be taken before the scheme would be successful. Besides, 20 bogus votes aren’t likely to sway an election. Republicans are getting all worked up over nothing.”

In related news, it was discovered that Arcan Cetin, a resident alien from Turkey who shot five people to death at a mall in Burlington, Washington, illegally voted in three elections since 2014. A study done by professors from Old Dominion University and George Mason University estimated that about 6% of non-citizens illegally cast ballots in the 2008 election. Washington Secretary of State Kim Wyman told a Seattle TV station that “the State is barred by the feds from verifying citizenship status. They claim that verification is a federal responsibility. Yet, the Obama Administration steadfastly refuses to share the data they have with the states. We are left with no choice except to take the applicants’ word for whether they are citizens.”

Presidential Candidates Name Favorite World Leader

In a bid to probe one dimension of the presidential candidates’ perspectives on world politics and foreign relations, the media asked each of them to name their favorite foreign leader.

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton tabbed Germany’s Chancellor Angela Merkel as her favorite. “Chancellor Merkel has been an extraordinarily strong leader,” Clinton asserted. “She has opened the doors of her country to more than a million Muslims from the Middle East. She has bravely faced down opposition to her policies in the midst of the difficulties of acclimation for these refugees.”

Clinton went on to contrast “Merkel’s generosity with our own country’s xenophobic hesitancy to welcome those fleeing from war and atrocities in their home countries. Sure, we’ve let a few thousand in, but if we were to be as openhearted as Germany we’d be allowing millions to find safety on our shores. When I’m president this will change.”

GOP presidential contender Donald Trump chose Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu as his favorite foreign leader saying that “here we have a person whose tiny country is surrounded by hostile nations who repeatedly vow to annihilate the Jews. Yet he has the courage and toughness to stand firm on behalf of his people. It’s a model that I will strive to live up to if I become president of the United States.”

Libertarian candidate, former New Mexico Governor Gary Johnson acknowledged what he termed “an Aleppo moment” and admitted that “I have no favorites that I can think of, but the notion that we need to be so active around the world strikes me as the bigger problem. It wouldn’t really matter who led other governments if the United States were to mind its own business. I’d like to see a more mellow and relaxed America. Bringing our troops home and legalizing marijuana will go a long way toward accomplishing this.”

Green Party candidate Jill Stein opted for Elizabeth May, Leader of the Green Party of Canada, saying that “while she doesn’t yet lead a nation she embodies values that I think are aimed at a better world—ending the rape of the planet by humans, abolishing industrial society, and equal sharing of income and wealth. The fact that she is a woman gives greater credence to her Party’s message. Men have played too big a role in ruining the environment. It’s time we gave women a chance.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Post Warns Trump Election ‘Blows Chance for Confronting Russia’

By  John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnJackson Diehl, deputy editorial page editor of the Washington Post, issued a stern warning to voters that “the election of Donald Trump would risk undermining our opportunity to blunt Russian imperialism in Syria. The United States is far stronger than Putin’s Russia. We must not let them succeed.”

“In contrast,” the Diehl pointed out, “Secretary Clinton understands the importance of maintaining a balance of power between the Assad regime and the Islamic State in the region and can be counted on to reject Putin’s plea that the United States and Russia forge a common front against Islamic terrorism.”

Trump campaign manager Kellyanne Conway called the Post editorial “as clear a proof of the need for change in this country’s leadership as we could have hoped to see. Mr. Diehl and Hillary Clinton are mired in the last generation’s cold war ideology. Russia is no longer the Soviet Union. While we may have our differences with Putin it should be obvious that the main threat to peace and civilization in our current era is Islamic terrorism.”

Conway’s remarks on behalf of Trump were labeled “ignorant” by Clinton campaign manager Robby Mook. “They illustrate why the steady hand of a person like Secretary Clinton is needed at the helm. Her experience in government as First Lady, Senator, and Secretary of State have prepared her for making the hard choices regarding international affairs. She has participated in decisions to kill our enemies—experience Trump can only imagine. She has worked side-by-side with President Obama to craft the nuanced policy that has served this nation so well during the current Administration. Voters would be daft to throw that away.”

In related news, Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest complained that “Trump’s repeated use of the term ‘Islamic terrorism’ undermines our battle to win the narrative. It’s the Islamic State that is touting the conflict as a jihad inspired by the Quran. Our goal has to be to short-circuit their bid to define what is happening. Use of neutral terms like ‘man caused disaster’ are essential if we are to control the narrative.”

Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton seconded Earnest’s interpretation and went one step further by contending that “Trump’s words give aid and comfort to this nation’s enemies. That’s treason. He must be held accountable for that and he will have to face the consequences of his actions after I’m elected president.”

IRS to Warn Uninsured

Irked by the decision of 20 million Americans who have declined to sign up for Obamacare, the IRS is crafting a letter to advise them of the “antisocial implications” of non-participation.

Commissioner John Koskinen explained that “failure to enroll evinces a lack of cooperation with a policy that the government has determined is necessary. Non-compliers may feel that enrollment is optional. It is not. That’s why there is a fine. Paying the fine doesn’t get them off the hook.”

Koskinen pointed out that “not only does the amount of the fine ratchet up each year, our Agency has other tools at its disposal to try to encourage obedience. We can conduct audits, freeze bank accounts, and seize assets as a means of compelling the recalcitrant to yield to the government’s wishes. We regard advising people of their peril by letter to be a most considerate measure to help them avoid unwanted complications from continued noncompliance.”

In related news, Koskinen told the House Judiciary Committee that he doesn’t deserve to be impeached for lying to Congress because “I was not fully informed that Agency subordinates had illegally destroyed documents under House subpoena. I, like so many others, at the highest levels of government, have been betrayed by feckless or malicious subordinates.” Koskinen blamed “civil service regulations that tie the hands of those appointed by the President to carry out his policies. We don’t have a free hand to replace disloyal employees with others committed to his cause.”

Rep. Jason Chaffetz (R-Utah) characterized Koskinen’s stance as “ludicrous. First, the IRS engaged in illegal discriminatory treatment against conservative groups. Then they covered up the evidence. Now the Commission wants us to believe that non-political civil service employees are the real problem? It looks like the rot at the IRS seeps down from the uppermost level.”

Treasury Says Billions Paid to Iran Not Used to Fund Terrorists

Treasury Secretary Jack Lew told the House Financial Services Committee that “we have no evidence that the billions of dollars we have released to Iran in the past year have been used to fund terrorism. In fact, the government of Iran has assured us, in no uncertain terms, that not one dollar has been used to directly finance any terrorist group.”

Lew admitted that “we have no real way of knowing. We didn’t record the serial numbers of any of the bills we handed over” as “this would not have shown good faith. Friendship is built upon a certain measure of trust. If we don’t trust, if we’re always demanding proof, I don’t see how our two nations can ever hope to be friends.”

Committee Chair Rep. Jeb Hensarling (R-Texas) called Lew’s position “stunningly naive. Iran has been a major funder of terrorist groups throughout the Middle East. The Obama Administration has been funneling cash to the regime by the bucket load, apparently ‘no questions asked.’ They are either insane or stupid beyond belief.”

In related news, members of Libya’s parliament have christened former US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton “the butcher of Libya.” MP Jaballah Al-Shibani complained that “this evil witch took credit for killing Gadhafi, but we are worse off than we ever were under his government. Thousands of families have been destroyed by the radicals, with the women now living under Shariah law with no education, no good health, no schools, no good food, because of Hillary Clinton’s policies. Allah forbid she should gain even more power as America’s president.”

Is the Clinton Foundation a “Phony Charity”

Hillary Clinton’s run for the presidency has sparked greater interest in the activities of her family’s famous charitable foundation. The interest has uncovered some disquieting information.

For starters, a remarkably tiny share of all the donations to the Clinton Foundation end up financing aid to the needy. A recent accounting indicates that less than 6% goes out as charity. Over 90% funds the lavish travel expenses of the Clintons themselves and a bloated bureaucracy of Clinton family followers and political sycophants. In a well-run reputable charity the normal split is 75% to the needy, 25% to overhead and expenses.

Even the 6% flowing to needy recipients is not an unmixed blessing. The CHAI program to help AIDS victims appears to have distributed adulterated and diluted AIDS drugs to Third World victims. The Foundation has had a long-term relationship with Indian drug manufacturer Ranbaxy despite mounting evidence of persistently poor quality control. Although Ranbaxy’s drugs are now barred from being sold in the US, former President Clinton continues to praise and the foundation to distribute the company’s HIV/AID drugs to patients abroad.

Then there’s the case of Haiti, where the Foundation used 2010’s devastating earthquake to boost its donations. After Hillary promised to “make Haiti better than it was before the quake,” the Foundation’s efforts mostly netted lush construction contracts for a few (including Roger Clinton and Tony Rodham—Hillary’s brother) and amazingly minuscule benefits for Haitians. After promising to create 60,000 “good paying jobs” an estimated 9,000 jobs with an average wage of less than $4 per day have been generated. After promising to build 15,000 homes, fewer than 3,000 have been constructed.

Clinton rebuffed the criticisms as “nitpicking” founded on a “bean counting mentality. I don’t know much about the numbers, so I’m not concerned with how much goes where. In my mind, providing jobs for all the good people who work at the Foundation is a valid use of the funds. In the end it’s what’s in people’s hearts that really matters.”

Obama Says Americans Have to Give Up Freedoms

In his speech at the United Nations President Obama said that “in order to realize the promise of the UN, the US must give up freedoms. As we work toward the dream of a world government we have to realize that compromise is necessary. Much of the world is less free than America. We could stubbornly refuse to budge and try to hold onto our special status. Or we could be more adult and recognize we have to meet the unfree segment halfway.”

“For example, freedom of speech and religion are not as common elsewhere,” Obama pointed out. “We can’t expect to cram our values down the throats of the rest of the world. Likewise, Americans are far wealthier than they have the right to be. The world and its resources are the common inheritance of all humanity. We cannot justify our having more when others have less. A more equitable redistribution is the price we must pay for a unified world.”

Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton echoed Obama’s sentiment, but counseled that “getting there from here won’t be easy. There will be a lot of resistance by Americans grown fat by hogging a disproportionate share of the world’s resources. That’s why I have proposed a universal right to emigrate from anywhere to anywhere. This is something that can be accomplished by executive action once I am president. As the population around the world becomes more homogenized in its values political institutions will be reformed to speed the implementation of social justice everywhere. We will abolish distinctions between rich and poor and empower common people everywhere to attain the equality that our progressive agenda has promised.”

Dems Assail Skittles Analogy

Donald Trump Jr.’s analogy employing a bowl of Skittles sparked outrage among defenders of increased Muslim immigration to the United States. In the analogy, the son of the presidential candidate took on the argument that only a few terrorists would be able to sneak into the country by hiding among the throng of refugees from Syria. Trump asked “suppose I offered you the opportunity to grab a handful of Skittles from a bowl in which just a few were poisoned, would you take them?”

The astoundingly dense Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) called Trump Jr. “a rotten apple that hasn’t fallen very far from the tree. Junior would have everyone believe that children fleeing the war in Syria are like poison candy. We know that the vast majority are not. And even if there are a few dozen terrorists hiding in the mix, well, the number of Americans that might be killed by them is tiny. The chances of being killed in an automobile crash are far higher. If we continue to allow Americans to be exposed to this risk surely the lesser risk of being murdered by a terrorist can be tolerated.”

New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio agreed, saying “instances of genuine Islamic terror are vanishingly rare. As we have seen again this past week, the bigger threat is cops shooting unarmed black men. Until we can find a way of putting a stop to this menace I can’t see the purported urgency of stemming Muslim immigration just to placate xenophobes like Trump. As my good friend Sadiq Khan has urged, we need to adapt and realize that terror attacks are part and parcel of modern urban life.”

Meanwhile, London’s Muslim Mayor Sadiq Khan continued his campaign tour on behalf of Hillary Clinton, telling American voters that “immigrants into the West shouldn’t have to assimilate. The Quran commands the faithful to go forth and claim the world for Allah. Insisting that these immigrants must give up this holy quest and accept western values violates their freedom of religion.”

In related news, the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services admitted that it mistakenly granted citizenship to more than 800 Muslims slated for deportation as “security risks.” An additional 953 were naturalized despite outstanding deportation orders. Director Leon Rodriguez maintained that “these were honest mistakes that could’ve happened to anyone. On the one hand, we have the statutory law. On the other, we have the President’s ‘special action’ mandate. Charting a proper course between this Scylla and Charybdis is no easy task. Frankly, I’m surprised the errors didn’t amount to thousands or tens of thousands.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.











Trump Backs Off Claim Obama Wasn’t Born in the US

By  John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnThis week GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump backed away from his previous questioning of President Obama’s birthplace. His announcement was greeted by an outpouring of venom from assorted Democratic sources.

A bevy of members of the Congressional Black Caucus took turns denouncing Trump as a racist. Rival presidential contender Hillary Clinton asserted that “this proves the man is racist to the core. Anyone who would smear America’s first black president with an insinuation that he was not born in this country is unfit for office.”

The sincerity of the outrage has to be dubious since both Obama and Clinton played key roles in giving the suspicion that Obama might have been born elsewhere life. In 1991 Obama’s publisher bragged “he is the first African-American president of the Harvard Law Review and was born in Kenya.” This claim sat for 16 years until Obama corrected the record in 2007 during his ultimately successful campaign for the presidency in 2008.

The possibility that Obama might have been born elsewhere was promoted by the campaign of his Democratic primary opponent Hillary Clinton in 2008. Former McClatchy Washington Bureau Chief James Asher says he was personally pitched the story by longtime Clinton operative Sid Blumenthal in 2008. However, Hillary says she doesn’t recall ever talking to Blumenthal on the matter at the time and insisted that “if it occurred it had to have been on Sid’s own initiative because I would never have approved anything so deplorable.”

Patti Solis Doyle, Hillary Clinton’s campaign manager in 2008 until she was fired after Obama won the Iowa caucuses in 2008, acknowledged that someone with the campaign had circulated the rumor of Obama’s foreign birth, but insisted that “it was strictly a ‘lone wolf, rogue operation.’ The person believed to be responsible was summarily terminated.” Mark Penn, a Democratic pollster and Clinton 2008 strategist, also wrote a memo in March 2007, citing Obama’s “lack of American roots,” as a factor that could work against him in the campaign.”

Police Union Endorses Trump

Following a meeting of the group’s national board where two-thirds voted to support GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump, the largest police union—Fraternal Order of Police—announced its endorsement. Chuck Canterbury, the FOP’s national president, called the choice “an easy decision. The contrast between the candidates is as stark as any we’ve ever seen. Trump is for law and order. He supports civilized behavior and public safety. Mrs. Clinton appears to have sided with the enemies of these values.”

In contrast to Trump’s avid courting of the police union, Hillary Clinton disdained “to stoop so low as to try to curry favor with the armed thugs that are gunning down unarmed black men across the nation. They invited me to answer their ‘candidate’s questionnaire,’ but I refused to play their game. It is the police union that is out of step with all the other major labor organizations that have endorsed me. It is a decision that they will come to regret after November.”

The fact that FOP endorsed Hillary’s husband Bill in his 1996 race against Republican Bob Dole didn’t phase the candidate. “It was a different organization back then,” Hillary contended. “They shared America’s values. Since then they’ve been infiltrated by some of this country’s worst elements—racists and gun nuts who actually support arming citizens for self defense. Their reign of terror in the minority community will come to an end when I’m elected.”

In related news, Clinton vowed to stop raids and round-ups of illegal immigrants once she moves into the Oval Office. “The persecution of people whose only crime was breaking laws that shouldn’t exist must cease,” she declared. “Republicans in Congress will be given the opportunity to do the right thing and once Donald Trump is rejected by the voters I’m pretty sure they will come around and legislate a broad amnesty. However, my patience won’t be endless. If legislation isn’t passed within my first 100 days I will follow the lead of out great President Obama and issue the executive orders necessary to get the job done.”

Merkel Demands German Firms Hire Immigrants

Impatient at the slow progress toward integrating Middle Eastern immigrants into the German economy, Chancellor Angela Merkel demanded that businesses “step up the pace of hiring. It’s a disgrace that only 100 of the million refugees that have entered the country this year have jobs. The refusal of the private sector to offer enough jobs forces the government to bear the burdens of meeting the need to house and feed these people.”

Hans Volle, Director of Human Resources for Deutsche Tech, complained that “Chancellor Merkel’s aspirations are unreasonable. Hardly any of these refugees understand our language, a majority of them appear to be illiterate, and the level of technical skills we require is nowhere to be found. The notion that we could employ more than a tiny fraction of the refugees is pure fantasy.”

Merkel was unmoved by German industry’s lack of enthusiasm for hiring the immigrants and recalled that “German businesses weren’t so finicky during the 1940s when millions of foreign workers were brought into our factories and put to work on projects of vital importance to the country. Where is their ingenuity? Germany has done great things before and we can do them again if only we have the will to do so.”

In related news, a surprising number of “refugees” in Germany are taking “vacations” to the war-torn sites that they supposedly were fleeing when they arrived in Germany. Merkel maintained that the revelation “shouldn’t be so mysterious. You could run for your life yet still experience homesickness. The idea that these people could be jihadi infiltrators strikes me as far-fetched.”

Hillary Campaign Caught Stealing from Donors

Some supporters of Hillary Clinton are coming to rue giving out their credit card data to the campaign. It seems that individuals who thought they were agreeing to one-time charges are discovering repeated levies on their accounts in their monthly statements. Upon inspecting her recent Visa Card statements, Carol Mahre found multiple charges amounting to $94. “On the phone they asked me to give $25, which I said was okay,” Mahre recounted. “But when I looked at my bill there were three deductions of $25 and one for $19.”

Campaign manager Robby Mook attributed the unauthorized charges to “simple human error. As everyone knows the campaign has been hit hard by pneumonia. Hillary hasn’t been the only one afflicted with memory loss and neurological seizures. It’s easy to see how this could’ve happened. Thankfully, the overcharges were all of relatively small amounts the loss of which should not result in any major hardship for the victims. At worst it’s a case of petty theft, not even a felony. And it pales in comparison with the much bigger stakes of this election.”

Keeping the cumulative overcharges under $100 may be a key to the scheme avoiding scrutiny. Roger Mahre, Carol’s lawyer son, speculated that “a lot of people don’t look carefully at small charges on the credit card bill. So, it wouldn’t surprise me that this scam goes largely unnoticed.”

Whether the overcharges are just random mistakes or a conscious strategy is a good question. The New York Times reported that Hillary Clinton’s first campaign for president in 2008 was forced to reimburse $2.8 million in unauthorized credit card charges. Obama’s campaign was forced to reimburse $900,000. And this was just in response to donors who questioned the charges. There’s no telling how many donors might have been unaware of the thefts.

MSNBC talking head Chris Matthews wondered whether “we are making too much of this whole business. Most of the money these people are spending is wasted on unessential junk. Is the redirection of some of these squandered resources toward the important objective of aiding the election of a person who will advance the progressive agenda really a bad thing? I would have to say that on balance that it is not.”

Democrat VP Candidate Says “Denouncing KKK Is Not Enough”

Democratic vice-presidential candidate Tim Kaine insists that Trump’s multiple denunciations of the Ku Klux Klan and its former leader David Duke “is not enough. Neither Trump nor Pence will use the word ‘deplorable’ in their efforts to evade being pinned down on this issue.”

CNN’s Wolf Blitzer was similarly adamant about the GOP candidates’ refusal to use the word “deplorable” as he badgered Pence in an interview. “Why not say deplorable?” Blitzer demanded to know, rejecting Pence’s determination not to engage in name calling.

We hear the Republicans saying they don’t want the support of Duke and the Klan, yet they decline to take the logical step of labeling them ‘deplorable,’” Blitzer observed. “The only conclusion I can come to is that they don’t want to use the same terminology that Hillary Clinton used to denounce half of Trump’s supporters. This allows them to continue to portray Mrs. Clinton as insensitive. That’s pure politics aimed at heading off our attempt to neutralize her characterization by showing that both sides belittle those they disagree with.”

CNN followed up the interview of Pence with the headline “Pence Won’t Deplore Duke,” a turn of phrase that Blitzer proudly called “ingenious. It doesn’t really matter what Trump or Pence say or don’t say. We control the narrative. The American people will see and hear what we want them to.”

Meanwhile, CNN’s Ashleigh Banfield and Dylan Byers declared that widespread popular distrust of the media “threatens democracy.” Byers, citing a recent Gallup poll indicating that only 32% of Americans trust the media to report the news accurately, worried that “a loss of faith in the press could deal a mortal blow to the way the nation is governed. We are the voice of government. We have the awesome responsibility to ensure that its message gets through to the people. The scoffing and ridicule heaped upon us by the targets of our message runs the risk of severing this vital link.”

Byers dismissed accusations that the media might bear a share of the responsibility for this loss of faith, saying “the people don’t know enough to pass judgment on whether our reporting is accurate. It’s like a parishioner doubting whether what his priest is relaying to him is God’s will. Going down that path of disbelief endangers us all.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Chelsea Can’t Fathom Why People Think Her Mom is Untrustworthy

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnDemocratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s daughter went on ABC’s The View talk show to express her dismay at polls showing that a huge majority of Americans consider her mother untrustworthy.

I realize that some of the things coming out from the emails she tried to conceal are raising questions, but I know my mother and I’m certain that if anything thing she did was wrong in some technical sense that she did it for a good reason,” Chelsea explained. “What a lot of people don’t understand is that her job as the nation’s top diplomat often required her to deliberately lie in order to protect the country. It should be understandable that it might be hard to turn this skill off and on from one situation to another.”

She contrasted “the patriotic motives behind the untruths my mother has spoken with the greed-based dissembling that businessmen like Donald Trump habitually deploy to market their wares. The billions that Trump made via this tactic were deliberate and dwarf the hundreds of millions my parents have incidentally acquired in the course of their careers in public service.”

There is no one I trust more than my mom,” Chelsea continued. “Her efforts combined with those of my father have built up a hefty inheritance that will ensure that my material needs and those of my children will be met for the foreseeable future. I am proud of the entrepreneurship they’ve shown in extracting such generous fees for speeches. I doubt the self-proclaimed ‘deal maker’ could come close to matching their profit margin.”

The former First Daughter said she has “no qualms about entrusting the care of my children to my mother in the event anything happens to me. They are safely out of the womb and fully protected as persons under our laws—a distinction my mother has had occasion to point out during the past year.”

In related news, Chelsea herself showed she has learned from her parents’ example. In an appearance at an event hosted by College Progressives at Penn State University, students were offered an opportunity to see and hear Chelsea speak for a $500 per head admission. Photos with the former First Daughter were available for $1,000 a pop. And for an additional $2,700, attendees would be granted access to a special reception with her afterwards.

Mentioning Hacked DNC Emails Called “Unfair”

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) called GOP mention of the content of the Democratic National Committee’s emails hacked and published by Wikileaks “unfair. It’s like a football team purloining a copy of the other team’s playbook and using that to win a game. It’s cheating. It’s dishonest.”

Pelosi brushed aside email content revealing that the DNC cheated by rigging their primaries against Hillary Clinton’s main rival for the nomination Sen. Bernie Sanders (D-Vt), saying “since when do two wrongs make a right? We are calling on the GOP to turn aside from a tit-for-tat. Attempting to get even by mimicking disreputable tactics escalates the conflict. This is a chance for the GOP to take the high road.”

The former House Speaker’s plea addressed to the current House Speaker Paul Ryan (R-Wisc) urged that “Democrats and Republicans must present a united front in the face of the threat posed by Donald Trump. This outsider does not understand the unwritten rules and long standing traditional ways the two Parties interact. He will mercilessly batter us with evidence that was never meant for anyone to see.”

Ryan’s responded that “I have no authority to issue the cease-and-desist order that Rep. Pelosi is requesting. For one, the RNC is an independent body outside the span of the Speaker’s reach. For two, I can’t see that there could be any justification for suspending freedom of speech on the grounds that it makes Democrats uncomfortable.”

Pelosi characterized Ryan’s response as “misogynistic and callous. Here we have the first woman with a realistic chance to become president and all he can do is prattle on about freedom of speech. Where are his priorities. When we add in the toll the stress of the campaign is taking on Hillary’s heath it’s like he’s kicking her when she’s down. Is there no chivalrous bone in his body?”

In related news, Clinton ended her long press conference drought this week as she was mercilessly grilled for 89 seconds by media hounds demanding to know “how was your Labor Day weekend?” and “are you ready to be president?”

Bill Clinton Calls “Make America Great Again” a Racist Message

Former President Bill Clinton made an effort to stir opposition to Donald Trump’s promise to “make America great again” by claiming its intent is “racist. These are code words understood by all white people as a pledge to put blacks down.”

The main targets of Donald Trump’s vow to bring law and order to our inner cities are black youths,” Clinton asserted. “Look at what he’s saying about black gangs killing each other in Chicago. Clearly, these are the people who will be suppressed by Trump’s knee-jerk support for law enforcement.”

What is his promise to bring jobs back to the inner cities other than a subtle effort to re-institute black servitude?” Clinton asked. “It would undo the liberation of millions from dreary lives of daily toil just to put food on the table and a roof over their heads. I urge every voter to seriously weigh whether they really want to go backward or whether they are willing to trust Hillary to further the progress made during the Obama Administration.”

President Obama also weighed in on the topic and predicted that “voters will reject Trump’s ‘wacky’ idea. America is as great as its ever been right now. I can’t conceive of a way to make it any better than to continue the progress we have achieved over the last eight years.”

Ironically, a promise to make America great again isn’t a new one. Bill Clinton made this same promise when he ran for president in 1992.

New ISIS Commander Was Trained by US

It turns out that Gulmurod Khalimov, the new ISIS military commander, was one of the “moderate” terrorists who received training from the US State Department. From 2003-2014 Khalimov participated in five counter-terrorism training courses in the United States and in Tajikistan, through the Department of State’s Diplomatic Security/Anti-Terrorism Assistance program.

Department spokeswoman Pooja Jhunjhunwala insisted that Khalimov had “been properly vetted.” The thoroughness of this so-called vetting was called into question by the revelation that he had appeared in a video in which he called Americans pigs and boasted “we will find your towns, we will come to your homes, and we will kill you.”

Jhunjhunwala maintained that “the Administration was fully aware of Khalimov’s threat, but went ahead with the training as a show of sportsmanship. One of the things President Obama is trying to overcome is the perception that the United States is just a big bully. We outgun these jihadis by a considerable margin. Training a few of their leaders is meant to restore a measure of gallantry on the battlefield. It’s sort of like handing your opponent his dropped sword so the duel can continue.”

Secretary of Defense Ash Carter added that “Khalimov only rose to power because Russia’s attacks on ISIS are killing people we trained at great expense. The Administration considers this a hostile act of interference with its aims for the Middle East region. Russia must mend its ways or face retaliation.”

GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump labeled the Obama foreign policy “a disaster” and the Department’s various arguments in defense of it “stupid. It’s just one more illustration of the kind of failed leadership provided by Obama and how horrible it will be for our country if Hillary Clinton is allowed to continue it.”

Clinton called Trump’s open criticism of President Obama “disgraceful and unpatriotic. Our country is at war with these terrorists. It is every American’s duty to stand behind our President and show their support. To do less is to invite our enemies to divide and conquer us.” Averring that “President Obama has been far too lenient with his critics,” Clinton assured voters that she “will take sterner measures to crack down on disloyalty.”

In related news, Clinton declined an invitation to meet with Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto on the grounds that his prior meeting with Trump “marks him as a man of such astoundingly poor judgment that he cannot discern the difference between an unfit poseur and a legitimate claimant to the office of president.”

Meanwhile, Mexican Senator Armando Ríos Piter is pushing an initiative that “would disavow the Treaty of Guadalupe and resume the state of war that existed between the United States and Mexico prior to its signing in 1848. The gringos stole half of our country. We will call upon the tens of millions of our compatriots residing in the United States to carry out ‘lone wolf’ attacks until the Norte Americano occupiers vacate our land.”

Dem Adviser Minimizes Risk of Vote Fraud

Democratic operative James Carville sought to reassure Americans that the scope of any potential election fraud is too small to be concerned about.

It has been my experience that the maximum number of fraudulent votes from any one voting machine is around 100,” Carville said. “I know of no presidential election that has ever been decided by 100 votes one way or the other. It would take an army of hackers to rig enough machines to reach a decisive impact on the outcome. And I just can’t imagine that anyone would be willing to go to such lengths to steal an election.”


FBI Admits Suspected Brain Damage Was Factor in ‘No Indictment’ Decision

 John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnIt was revealed this week that suspected brain damage was a key factor in FBI Director James Comey’s decision to recommend against indicting former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton for her serial lawbreaking and security breaches regarding her emails.

In the interview with our agents the former Secretary came across as a person of seriously diminished mental capacity,” FBI spokesman William Dodge explained. “She couldn’t recall ever having been briefed on security matters—despite being shown her signature on a document affirming she had. She professed not to know that the letter ‘C’ on emails meant ‘confidential. She couldn’t remember who she asked to set up her private off site server. She ‘misplaced’ a dozen mobile devices that had classified communications on them. She couldn’t even remember the name of the ambassador killed in Benghazi. It was clear to us that Secretary Clinton would likely plead ‘not guilty by reason of diminished mental capacity.’”

When you add in testimony from her chief aides describing her as ‘often confused’ and ‘frequently disoriented’ it appeared that taking the matter to trial would have been a highly risky undertaking,” Dodge said. “Win or lose, a trial would have shown that from 2009 to 2013 the US State Department was being headed by a person who was either cavalierly indifferent to the law or too impaired to have been entrusted with such a demanding position of responsibility. When we include the rather substantial indications that Secretary Clinton may have inappropriately used her government position to solicit monetary rewards it was clear that the Administration’s reputation could have sustained significant negative impact. Rather than invite this trauma, Director Comey opted for saving the nation from it, much in the same way that former President Ford did by pardoning Nixon.”

In related news, attorneys for Hillary Clinton are said to be preparing a lawsuit challenging a potential loss at the polls, citing the Americans with Disabilities Act as the basis. “Based on the resumes of the candidates, Secretary Clinton is clearly the most qualified of the job applicants,” claimed lead attorney Susan Moore. “If voters pass over her to put a less qualified person in the White House it would be a clear violation of the law barring employers from discriminating against the disabled. We hope it won’t have to come to this. Voters could spare the nation the disruption and substantial monetary penalties they would be liable for by simply electing her president on November 8th.”

Democrat VP Candidate Lashes Out at Trump & Media

Hillary Clinton’s running mate Sen. Tim Kaine (D-Va) took offense at GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump’s “exploitation of tragedy” in his argument against sanctuary cities. In sanctuary cities, government officials have ordered police to ignore federal law against illegal immigration. Some of the illegal immigrants protected by sanctuary cities have gone on the kill Americans. In remarks given at a rally in Arizona this week Trump invited parents of children killed by illegal immigrants to speak to the crowd.

Kaine labeled Trump’s inclusion of these grieving parents “political pandering at its worst. Using surviving family members to argue against the policy decisions of any level of government strikes me as disloyal and disruptive. I’m not saying these parents didn’t suffer a real loss, but we need to keep a balanced perspective. The number of people killed by undocumented residents is very small compared to the number killed by home-grown urban gangs or racist cops.”

Trump campaign CEO Steve Bannon called Kaine’s complaint “ironic, considering that the Democrats have sided with the Black Lives Matter propaganda that seeks to elevate dangerous confrontations between police and armed criminals as evidence of racism. All of the victims whose parents participated in the Trump rally in Arizona were innocent, unarmed individuals going about their own business. None of them would have been killed if this country’s immigration laws had been enforced. Allowing the parents to speak out against the injustice and ineptitude of the Democratic Party’s policies is a step toward righting the wrongs of those policies so that other families won’t have to suffer from continued injustice and ineptitude at the hands of a Clinton Administration.”

Kaine also told an audience in Pennsylvania that “it is every voter’s right to know whether a candidate is honest enough and fit enough to take on the demanding tasks of the presidency. One of the ways of examining these questions is by reviewing the communications, financial records, and health reports of each candidate.”

Kaine contrasted Trump with Clinton, saying that “Secretary Clinton’s communications have been thoroughly vetted by the FBI and pronounced free of indictable offenses. She has released her tax returns. And she has demonstrated her physical fitness on TV. Meanwhile, Trump is being given a free pass on any scrutiny by a corrupt and curiously uninquisitive media.”

Hillary Vows Tough Stance Against Cyberattacks

Calling cyberattacks (hacking into computers) “just as bad and just as much of a threat to this nation as the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor,” Democratic presidential candidate former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton promised that she “would respond just as forcefully as President Roosevelt did 75 years ago.”

Clinton told the largely VFW audience in Ohio that “I can attest from personal experience that having your email hacked can be devastating. The recent hacks of my emails published by Wikileaks have aided forces hostile to the continuation of the policies put in place by President Obama. By damaging my chances at the polls these anti-American spies have proven they are a greater threat than the misguided suicide bombers that my opponent would have voters believe is our country’s primary enemy.”

The candidate asserted that “while military options won’t be our first course of action we must reserve our right to use force if force is necessary. I hope that diplomatic pressure will be sufficient to compel Ecuador to turn Assange over to us. I’m confident that with enhanced interrogation we will be able to extract the identities of the Russian agents who breached my emails. Then we can issue an ultimatum designed to bring Russia to heel.”

Vice-President Joe Biden attempted to bolster Hillary’s position by pointing out that “I’ve got a military aide with me carrying a briefcase. That briefcase has the nuclear codes in it and, if I needed to, I could open it up and launch a nuclear strike on anyone who threatens America.”

The audience response to Clinton’s and Biden’s remarks was polite, but tepid. Ninety year old WWII veteran Joe Middling admitted he was “unpersuaded that the travails suffered by Secretary Clinton represent as clear and present a danger as the kamikazes we had to face at Okinawa. Maybe I lack the computer savvy to appreciate her message, but an ultimatum to Russia seems kind of risky to me. Couldn’t she just buy them off with another uranium deal? And should Biden be bragging that he can nuke someone? That sounds kinda nuts to me.”

In related news, Clinton insisted that Trump’s recent meeting with Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto was “a failure. Not only did he not come back with a check to pay for his silly wall. He also overlooked the bigger strategic picture. We need to keep the border open to help the United States to acquire the manpower to strengthen the progressive transformation initiated by President Obama. Importing more fecund Latinos will lessen the reproductive burden on Americans. More Americans will be free to pursue their transgender dreams without guilt. More Americans will be able to have their homes cleaned and lawns mowed at a reasonable price. And more will turn out to vote for progressive candidates and policies.”

IRS Identifies ID Theft, Does Nothing

The Treasury Inspector General for Tax Administration (TIGTA) issued a report this week indicating that the IRS had discovered more than a million cases of identity theft but failed to notify any of the victims.

IRS Commissioner John Koskinen defended the lack of effort to inform the taxpayers whose identities were stolen as “not the agency’s job. Look, in the vast majority of these thefts the stolen IDs are merely being used by undocumented residents to obtain employment. There is no negative impact on the government. If a person’s ID is stolen and someone else uses it to get a job that means that more cash will be flowing to the government because two separate individuals will be paying taxes under the same Social Security number. What’s the harm in that?”

Koskinen brushed off fears that more income being reported under the same SSN could trigger problems for a taxpayer. “If someone gets audited all he has to do is prove that the extra income wasn’t his,” Koskinen reassured. “As for the possibility that at some future date two separate claims for SS benefits might be filed, well, that wouldn’t be the IRS’ problem. Social Security benefits are handled by another agency.”

Kerry Says Media Blowing Terrorism Out of Proportion

This week, US Secretary of State John Kerry took the media to task for exaggerating the threat of terrorism. “I can’t open a newspaper or turn on the TV without having to see some story about suicide bombers or Allahu akbar murderers shooting up a shopping mall,” Kerry complained. “Its so repetitive it’s tiresome.”

It’s not as if we’re talking about an existential threat to the United States,” Kerry contended. “The number of people killed in these attacks is relatively small. Most, I would assume, are covered by insurance as are the businesses damaged by the explosions. Life goes on. We need to learn to live with this.”

The Secretary suggested that media coverage “should be briefer and less sensational. Unless someone important is among the casualties I can’t see the point in stirring up needless anxiety. If they feel they have to cover a bombing or massacre reporters could point out that the President and the nation’s leaders are safe. This will help calm people and allay their fears.”

Voters Will Have to Elect Hillary to See a Press Conference

Striving to snag the curious vote, Clinton’s lead press secretary, Brian Fallon, urged “those who are so eager to see Hillary give a press conference can elect her president. Presidents always have press conferences. As the head of government she’ll have a lot to say to the press.”

Fallon justified the campaign’s dearth of media interaction as “just building up the suspense and anticipation. I hear that there is some speculation that the multiple questions and flashing cameras will spark a seizure. Well, the only way to find out is to get her into office and see.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Clinton Foundation Called ‘Economic Dynamo’

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnRevelations that the Hillary Clinton-led US State Department granted favors to governments, corporations, and individuals that made donations to the Clinton Foundation have stirred concerns that a Clinton presidency might be tainted by corruption. Foundation president Donna Shalala urged that “we take a more balanced look at the totality of the situation.”

On the surface, the proximity of the donations and actions taken by Secretary Clinton does appear suspicious,” Shalala admitted. “However, Hillary has repeatedly said that all the actions she took would have been taken regardless of any donations that were made to the Foundation. Clearly donors weren’t buying influence. At worst, they were merely moved up in the queue of those seeking favors from Secretary Clinton.”

What is being overlooked is that extracting money from those seeking the State Department’s approval for arms purchases, trade deals, and business permits helps boost the American economy,” Shalala added. “Over 90 percent of the money flowing into the Foundation is plowed back into the US economy in the form of salaries, rent, travel, accommodations and overhead. We employ 2,000 of the best and brightest people in this country to manage the activities of the Foundation. The money they spend stimulates economic growth. Less than 10% of the Foundation’s resources flow out of the country as aid for needy foreigners. So, if we consider the big picture, the Foundation is an economic dynamo.”

Given the economic benefits generated by the Foundation, we need to ask ourselves whether an inordinate squeamishness about how some transactions may have gone down should be permitted to undermine all the good that we have done,” Shalala said. “A better approach, in my opinion, would be to expand upon its success by electing Hillary Clinton president. Think about how much more she could do having the entire government under her control rather than just one department.”

Obama Administration Press Secretary Josh Earnest echoed Shalala’s view, saying that “there’s a real danger that excessive scrutiny could kill the goose that’s laying the golden eggs. A slavish devotion to propriety must not derail genuine progress toward a more socially just future. Tolerating a small amount of vigorish isn’t too big a price to pay for ensuring that the right people wield the levers of power in government.”

More Clinton Email Questions

The latest 14,900 emails recovered by the FBI came from the 33,000 that Secretary of State Hillary Clinton deleted on the grounds that they were personal rather than work-related. Oddly, one of the topics discussed in many of them was Benghazi, which would seem to be “work-related” and as such legally required to be preserved and archived.

Hillary for President campaign manager Robbie Mook urged that “we not jump to hasty conclusions. If you will recall, Secretary Clinton admitted she authored many emails dealing with planning her daughter’s wedding. While we all know about the attack on Ambassador Stevens that occurred in Benghazi what a lot of people fail to recognize is that Benghazi could well have been a site under consideration for the wedding and/or honeymoon. Under such circumstances it should not be surprising that many of the Secretary’s personal emails might include the word ‘Benghazi’ within the text.”

On top of this, more than a third of the emails involving Hillary Clinton aide Huma Abedin that were surrendered by the State Department in response to a Freedom of Information Act filing were 100% redacted. The content was deemed by the State Department as “too sensitive for public disclosure.” Not even members of Congress are trusted to view the material. Ironically, one of the emails that wasn’t redacted was a panicky message from Abedin regarding “burn bag” communications that she had left in an unlocked automobile. Burn bag communications are so secret that the reader is supposed to burn them after reading as a precaution against them falling into the wrong hands.

Clinton’s treatment of her so-called “personal” emails showed a far higher level of precaution against them falling into the wrong hands. FBI forensic analysts found that Clinton’s server showed evidence of having been cleaned by “BleachBit”–a software program that goes far beyond mere deletion of unwanted files. Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-SC) called the use of such software “a greater length than any reasonable or honest person would go to conceal emails dealing with wedding plans or yoga routines as Secretary Clinton has insisted was her only intent.”

Long time Clinton aide Cheryl Mills took umbrage at Gowdy’s remarks calling them “sexist. Rep. Gowdy’s belittling of wedding planning and yoga reveals an ugly subtext of misogyny lurking just beneath the surface. We think every female voter will understand the importance of keeping discussions of these topics away from prying eyes. Gowdy’s gaffe will send another ten million women to the polls to vote for Hillary.”

In related news, a US Army training presentation includes slides with photographs of “insider threats to national security.” One of those photographs is of Hillary Clinton. Maj. Thomas Campbell, a U.S. Army Training, and Doctrine Command spokesman, confirmed that the photo is genuine and said “the possibility that one of these inside threats could be the next Commander-in-Chief is FUBAR.”

NY Times Reporter Slams Hannity for “Unethical” Behavior

New York Times reporter Jeremy Peters slammed radio talk show host Sean Hannity’s “unethical behavior” regarding how he is covering the current presidential candidates.

Every profession has its norms and boundaries for assessing the way its members should handle their trade,” Peters proclaimed. “Journalists have an ethical obligation to live up to these norms and respect these boundaries. It has been agreed by the majority within our profession that it is our journalistic duty to do whatever we can to prevent Donald Trump from becoming president. Hannity has flouted this agreement by urging voters to do the exact opposite of what every responsible journalist wants them to do.”

Every minute of Hannity’s show that fails to condemn Trump’s candidacy is a lost opportunity to do the right thing,” Peters insisted. “Even worse, allowing Trump to speak and praising him for it constitutes millions of dollars in free advertising. This is unfair to Hillary Clinton who must traipse across the country to solicit the donations she needs to buy TV and radio ads to counter the free advertising Hannity and his ilk are providing to her unfit opponent.”

The stakes of this election couldn’t be higher,” Peters contended. “If alt-right extremists like Hannity succeed in getting their man into the White House the public airwaves will continue to be polluted by anti-social rants. It is more important than ever that we elect Hillary. She will appoint the people we need to the FCC and the courts to ensure that broadcast communications are permanently cleansed of nonconforming counterrevolutionary opinions.”

Hillary Hammers Trump’s Pitch to Black Voters

GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump’s bid to woo black votes by persuading them that Democratic policies have ruined their lives was denounced by rival candidate former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton in a major policy speech she gave in Reno, Nevada this week.

Democrats and blacks have been together for a long time,” Clinton told a crowd that easily surpassed double digits. “It’s kind of like we have a ‘common law marriage.’ It’s outrageous for an outsider like Trump to try to alienate our mutual affections. Sure there have been some rough patches. Every marriage has rough patches. Bill and I have had some rough patches, but we’ve always stuck together. Each of us has been there to aid and abet the other’s dreams and aspirations. Blacks and Democrats need to stick together for the same reason.”

Trump promises to put black people to work,” Hillary pointed out. “But whites putting black people to work sounds like slavery to me. The Democratic Party has freed black people from the burdens of work. Democrats have enacted laws to ensure that if your man walks out on you the government will put a roof over your head and food on the table. Thanks to legislation championed by the Democratic Party no one has to do hard labor to survive.”

Trump promises to make the streets safe by locking up criminals,” Hillary observed. “But this is a thinly veiled declaration of war against the black man. As we have seen ‘law and order’ leads to a racially imbalanced prison population. Democrats are against laws and enforcement that fall disproportionately on racial minorities. The prison population should mirror the free population. I will work toward achieving this goal.”

I caution blacks not to buy into Trump’s idea that acting white is the way to a better life,” Hillary warned. “From our nation’s earliest days it has been the Democratic Party that has taken care of blacks. Republicans have been the ones ready to cast them out into the world to fend for themselves. Voters should remember this on election day.”

In related news, Will Quigg, a grand dragon of the California Ku Klux Klan chapter, endorsed Hillary Clinton for president. “History has shown that Democrats have been the Party with the guts to keep the blacks in their place, they even fought a war to preserve white rights,” Quigg reminded. “LBJ’s Great Society plan to concentrate the blacks in public housing compounds and fatten them up on food stamps keeps them from taking the jobs that belong to whites.”

State Department Warns Americans to Avoid Traveling

The State Department issued a warning to US citizens advising them to avoid foreign travel for the “foreseeable future.” The warning was sparked by what the Department characterized as “an unfortunate misunderstanding of a recent multi-million dollar payment to Iran.”

We thought we were paying off an amount due Iran from the cancellation of the Shah’s 1979 purchase of jet fighters,” explained Payton Moore, Undersecretary for Islamic Relations. “The government of Iran thought we were paying ransom for four Americans they were holding prisoner until a plane delivering the $400 million in cash arrived in their country. Now the Iranian government has instructed police and military units to take more American ‘criminals’ into custody for future exchanges.”

The misunderstanding was confirmed when Iranian Minister of Commerce, Mehdi Ghazanfari, bragged that “the exchange of American spies for cash compensation is the most efficacious investment available to us. The return excedes that of any other industry that we could conceivably undertake.”

The Minister recommended expanding the scheme to include “arresting Iranians with relatives who are American citizens. The loyalty of anyone with family in the United States is suspect. We can test their loyalty to Iran by inducing them to invite family members for a visit. We can then arrest the visiting Americans and earn a generous profit by ransoming them back to the US government.”

Ghazanfari hastened to point out that “this doesn’t mean we shouldn’t continue to export Muslim refugees to countries where they can collect welfare benefits. As the Quran tells us, it is every Muslim’s right to receive the jizya from the kafirs. The benefits aren’t as robust as they ought to be, but as more Muslims attain citizenship in the western countries they will use their votes to remedy this deficiency.”

In related news, the US State Department announced that “as a courtesy to former Secretary Hillary Clinton” it won’t be releasing her 2009-2013 appointment calendar until after the November election. Department spokesman Herman Hushman called it “a simple case of helping out an alumna of the agency during a difficult time in her life.”

Zimbabwean Olympians Face Punishment

Zimbabwean President, Robert Mugabe had the nation’s entire Olympic team arrested on their return home from the Rio games, saying “we have wasted the country’s money on these rats we call athletes.”

The dictator is said to be weighing whether to compel the athletes “to do hard labor until they have earned enough to reimburse the government” or “to have them publicly executed to provide a better show than the feeble performances they turned in at the Olympic games.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Trump Visit to Louisiana Disaster Area Panned by Dems

By    John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnGOP presidential candidate Donald Trump’s visit to flood ravaged areas of Louisiana was panned by Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest as “a virtual usurpation of President Obama’s prerogative. Everyone knows that it is the President’s right to visit and comfort the afflicted. That a non-office holder like Trump would ignore this right demonstrates a dangerous overreach.”

Earnest contrasted Trump’s unauthorized visit with President Obama’s 2012 visit to hurricane damaged New Jersey, which he characterized as “in line with the accepted protocols of such events. As we saw then, Republican Governor Christie welcomed the President’s attention. In Louisiana, though, Governor Edwards has denounced Trump’s invasion of his state as a ‘photo op.’” Edwards is a Democrat.

The Clinton campaign expressed similarly derogatory comments. “Showing up when the President has declined to interrupt his well-deserved vacation is disrespectful,” complained Clinton campaign manager Robbie Mook. “It’s this kind of stunt that has Trump trailing in the polls and will lead to his defeat in November.”

Mook boasted that “Hillary is devoting her full attention to saving the country from this unfit poseur. While Trump is wasting his time helping unload relief supplies—work that could easily be done by anyone with brute strength—our candidate is resting up before two major fund-raising events this coming week, one hosted by mega-star Cher in Miami Beach. The ability to extract money from big donors is a skill far more critical to winning elections and governing this nation than Trump’s simulated sympathy for the victims of a natural disaster caused by global warming.”

Hillary for America Communications Adviser and Senior Spokesperson Karen Finney called Trump’s Louisiana toting escapade “implicitly sexist. Lifting boxes of food and medical supplies unfairly exploits a male’s superior physical strength and subtly conveys the message that a female is too weak to govern. Can America afford to elect a president who would stoop so low in a desperate grab for votes?”

New Email Scandal Excuses Tested

Faced with the difficulty of persuading a skeptical public that the “extraordinarily careless” characterization of her email practices by FBI Director James Comey is significantly different from the legally culpable “gross negligence” standard, the Clinton campaign is field testing a couple of new excuses.

First out of the block was the disclosure that neither Secretary Clinton nor any of her many aides (including Cheryl Mills, Huma Abedin, Jake Sullivan, Dennis Cheng, Anne Marie Slaughter, Phillippe Reines, Caitlin Klevorick, and Kris Bladerston) embroiled in the scandal completed the mandatory ethics training required for federal employees.

Clinton Campaign Manager Robbie Mook pointed out that “any confusion, missteps, or technical violations of the law can’t be held against Secretary Clinton or her staff if they were never given the proper training. You can hardly blame the Secretary’s loyal staffers for following her wishes regarding her off-site email server. Neither can we blame Hillary who previously had very limited exposure to classified communications.”

The real culprit according to Mook was “former Secretary of State Colin Powell. It was this Bush appointee who advised incoming Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to use her own private email for all her important communications. It was Powell who told her that the only way she could ensure control over access to her email was to take it off-site. Otherwise it would be out of her hands. And as we have seen from the fuss made over the emails Hillary did turn over to the State Department, we can only wonder how much worse it could’ve been if she hadn’t had the opportunity to delete 30,000 personal emails.”

CAIR Criticizes Trump’s “Extreme Vetting” Proposal

The Council on American–Islamic Relations (CAIR) sharply criticized GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump’s promise to exercise “extreme vetting” of immigrants from terror-plagued regions of the world, calling it “unconstitutional.”

CAIR spokesman Iman Aswad declared that “Trump’s vetting would interfere with the free exercise of our religion. Islam is not like Christianity or Judaism. Our faithful are bound to fight against unbelievers. Trump’s idea that the government can screen out those who are committed to this fight discriminates against one, and only one religion: Islam. As such it is unconstitutional under American law.”

It is also impermissible under sharia law,” Aswad added. “As stated in the Quran, all the world is for Allah. Any country’s secular laws that refuse to acknowledge this higher law are not binding. People like Trump only prolong the conflict and postpone the day when all can live in peace as members of one united umma. American voters who want this peace must not accept Trump as their president.”

Aswad rejected Trump’s plan to consult with moderate Muslims, calling it “an ignorant outsider’s view of Islam. There is no ‘moderate Islam.’ There is no ‘radical Islam.’ There is only Islam. The inclusion of heretics and infidels on his vetting commission does not correct the deficiencies of his proposed intrusion into our religious beliefs. Only true Muslims can be the judges of Islam. The best that non-Muslims can do short of converting is to submit and obey the laws laid down by the Caliphate.”

In related news, Democratic vice-presidential candidate Sen. Tim Kaine suggested that women’s rights in Muslim countries are better protected than they are in the United States. “In America it took more than a century for women to get the right to vote,” Kaine observed. “Even today fewer than 20% of the members of Congress are women.” According to Kaine this compares unfavorably with countries like Afghanistan and Iraq. “Those who claim that women would be worse off under a Muslim regime are distorting the facts,” he said.

Rapist Not Necessarily a Bad Guy

Writing for Wonkette, Rebecca Schoenkopf expressed her opinion that Bill Clinton probably did rape Juanita Broaddrick back in 1978, but that this doesn’t necessarily make him an “evil person.”

Let’s look at the facts of that particular case,” Schoenkopf argued. “First, Bill showed he cared by advising Juanita to put some ice on her lip that he bit. Second, he called her later to apologize. This is a level of concern that most rapists don’t show. Third, while there has been a string of alleged improprieties involving indecent exposure, molestation, and sexual indiscretions since then there haven’t been anymore rapes.”

Against this inappropriate abuse of women we need to weigh the good he has done for America,” Schoenkopf insisted. “He served two successful terms as president. He introduced his wonderful wife Hillary to a nation starved for genuine female heroes. He raised his family out of bankruptcy after leaving the White House via a series of fabulous speeches and crafty business deals that built the Clinton Foundation into a multimillion dollar charity juggernaut. So, I think the pluses outweigh the minuses.”

Schoenkopf said she trusts Bill Clinton’s promise “to cease his pay-for-play efforts if Hillary is elected by stepping down from his job as head of the Clinton Foundation. The media spotlight on the first female president will be too bright for any of that type of skulduggery to go unnoticed. And I think Bill is too decrepit to woo any interns inside the White House. Any shenanigans would, I’m sure, involve professional women and take place in more discreet locations.”

In related news, a new NBC News|SurveyMonkey Weekly Election Tracking poll found that only 12% of Democrats see their Party’s presidential candidate as honest and trustworthy. Clinton supporter Gov. Maggie Hassan (D) brushed this finding aside saying that “choosing a dishonest person over an unfit person should be an easy one for voters to make. Isn’t a liar who can get the job done preferable to a politically inexperienced naif?”

Trump’s Pitch to Black Americans Called Flawed

GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump’s bid for Black votes was labeled “flawed” by his critics. In a speech in Wisconsin this week Trump maintained that Democratic policies have worsened the plight of minorities. This view was assailed by Democrats and their media supporters.

Trump’s contention that minorities are the foremost victims of the breakdown in law and order doesn’t excuse his failure to reach out to the Black Lives Matter group,” contended CNN talking head Carol Costello. “By refusing to bring BLM inside the tent he leaves them no option but to burn down neighborhoods, beat white folks, and agitate against police repression. This man’s election would undo all that President Obama has done to empower the minority community. Hillary Clinton, on the other hand, has made BLM’s interests a guiding light for her future policies toward the minority community.”

Trump’s notion that he can win a significant share of the minority vote is absurd,” Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton declared. “Democrats are the champions of all the government programs that have sustained the minority segment of our population for generations. Democrats have built public housing. Democrats have ensured that their access to abortion will be unconstrained. Democrats have put food on their tables. Democrats are the ones who take their grievances against the police seriously.”

Steve Bannon, Chief Executive of Trump’s presidential campaign, defended his man by assailing “the ‘plantation mentality’ of the Democrat’s claim that they own the minority vote. The welfare programs they boast of creating have destroyed the minority community in our inner cities. By subsidizing unwed motherhood the Democrats have undermined minority families. Democrats’ unstinting support for abortion has ensured that more Blacks die from this than die from America’s leading killer—heart disease. Democrats’ job-destroying economic policies have left fewer opportunities for minorities to earn an honest living. Democrat-created public housing ghettos have become high-crime neighborhoods that terrorize and claim the lives of too many in the minority community.”

Donald Trump wants to get past the Democrats’ propaganda and bring real solutions to the suffering that has gone on too long,” Bannon continued. “This means bypassing the Democrats’ pandering to radical hate groups like Black Lives Matter. He doesn’t deny that wrongful police shootings have occurred, but riots targeting innocent bystanders solve nothing. He offers policies that make a self-sustaining life a more realistic possibility for all Americans. He offers support for the law enforcement that defends the rights of all to peacefully pursue happiness. He thinks that a government that respects all persons is the ‘hand-up’ that will improve lives more effectively than the ‘hand-outs’ that have been the core Democrat policy.”

In related news, Democratic vice-presidential candidate Sen. Tim Kaine told a group of Black Baptists in New Orleans that “the 400 years of repression of Blacks in this country must be balanced by a period of repression of whites if we are to achieve true equity between the races.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.