France Censors Anti-Abortion Advocates

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnThe award-winning “Dear Future Mom” video featuring children with Down Syndrome making the case for the value of their lives was banned from TV by France’s Conseil d’État (State Council). According to the Council, the video was deemed “too insensitive” since it was “likely to trouble the consciences of women who had made different personal life choices” (i.e., had aborted babies predicted to have Down Syndrome).

Council spokesman Henri Abattage defended the ban, maintaining that “our decision is in keeping with public perceptions of what is right. There’s a reason why 90 percent of the pregnancies afflicted with this syndrome end in abortion. Why should the minority who object to this medical intervention be permitted to discomfit the vast majority who approve of it? Television is a medium that ought to confirm widely held values, not disrupt them with contrary opinions, especially those that may cause psychological distress.”

Archbishop Joseph Kurtz, former president of the U.S. Bishops’ Conference, said he was “saddened but not surprised” by the ban. “First of all, a diagnosis establishes only a probability, not a certainty, that the child will have the syndrome. Many completely normal babies are killed by a hasty resort to abortion. Second, as the video clearly demonstrates, many of the afflicted are adorable and loving individuals whose right to live ought not to be callously dismissed. I encourage all members of every society to view this video.”

Bishops can encourage all they want, but the Council will not neglect is duty to insulate the general public from offensive presentations of idiosyncratic perspectives,” Abattage promised. “There are boundaries that must not be crossed. This is one of them.”

TV isn’t the only avenue being closed off for communicating ideas out-of-sync with the culture of abortion. The French Parliament also enacted a ban on web site publication of messages that “discourage recourse to abortion.” Member of Parliament Rene Escargot explained that “the days when anti-social notions can intrude on people’s consciousness are over. Anyone attempting to dissuade a woman from exercising her inalienable right to obtain an abortion can and will be suppressed. It is the will of the majority.”

Group Says OSU Terrorist “Wrongly Shot”

The Ohio State University Coalition for Black Liberation held a rally to protest racist cops’ shooting black men. One of the “wrongly shot” individuals was Abdul Razak Ali Artan who ran over some students with his automobile and went on a rampage stabbing others until he was shot by campus police.

One of the rally’s spokespersons, Maryam Abidi characterized the shooting as “a disproportionate response. Artan was only armed with a knife. There was no call for police to escalate to the use of firearms.”

Abidi called the claim that the shooting was necessary to save the lives of others who might have been stabbed “a self-serving and tired excuse for police brutality. Whether Artan was a threat to others is irrelevant. He was still a human being entitled to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. The appropriate law enforcement response would have been a non-lethal apprehension followed by a fair trial.”

What constitutes a “fair trial” may have been illustrated by Above the Law Elie Mystal editor’s recommendation that black jurors should vote to acquit all non-white defendants accused of crimes against white victims. “I see it as a balancing out of the injustice inflicted on blacks accused of crimes against whites during the Jim Crow era,” Mystal said. “Will it mean exonerating some guilty men? Sure, but that will be payback for all the innocent blacks railroaded by racist juries across America for centuries.”

As it turns out, Artan posted a rant against the oppression of Muslims on his Facebook page prior to his violent attack on his fellow students. In the rant he cited the looks he feared he would get from other students if he tried to follow Islam’s daily calls to prayer, saying that “this would intrude on my right as a Muslim to receive the respect from unbelievers which the Quran commands. My only honorable course is to kill as many of them as I can before I am martyred for Allah.”

Despite the Facebook evidence, Associate Professor Pranav Jani lamented that “since the perpetrator was killed we may never understand why he lashed out like he did.” This sentiment paralleled Ohio Governor John Kasich’s fear that “we may never know the motive behind this unfortunate event.”

In related news, the Church of the Holy Trinity in Kristianstad, Sweden took pity on a group of Muslim refugees and invited them to make themselves a home on church property. Church officials were distressed to find feces and puddles of urine in the back pews of the chapel. In addition to not being housebroken, some of the men terrorized parishioners by screaming Islamic chants during church services, behaving inappropriately in front of young women in the church, climbing on the organ pipes, and, in one instance, trying to kidnap a baby about to be baptized. Unapologetic refugee Ibn Baddas proclaimed “all the world is for Allah and his believers. We should kill these kaffirs for trespassing on land belonging to Islam, but we are merciful.”

Obama Orders Review of Election Interference

President Obama ordered federal intelligence agencies to prepare a report on Russian cyber attacks that interfered with the 2016 election outcome and deliver it to him before January 20, 2017, “so I may take whatever action is required to restore integrity to the democratic process.”

Homeland security adviser Lisa Monaco called the investigation “crucial to the president’s decision on whether he may need to vacate the reported outcome. Rather than let the country to be locked-into accepting a new president illegitimately installed by the dirty tricks of a foreign government, the president needs the information necessary to support his continuation in office until a fair election process can determine a successor.”

A concomitant concern is what sort of counterattack we may need to launch against the Russians for what would clearly be an act of war on their part,” Monaco added. “Putin may think his operatives have been clever enough to not have left a trace of a clue confirming their hostile intervention, but if, in the judgment of our experts, the conclusion is firm that the absence of evidence is not evidence of absence, the President is determined to strike back.”

Monaco insisted that “Trump’s assertion that the idea that Russia was involved and that thoughts of retaliation against them are ‘crazy ideas,’ heightens our suspicion that he may have been an active participant in their nefarious scheme to rig the outcome. His pre-election day contention that the process was rigged may have been a Freudian slip that tends to confirm to his complicity.”

Expenditures by the Trump and Clinton campaigns were also cited as “a virtual smoking gun” by Monaco. “In the end, Clinton outspent Trump by $565 million to $322 million. This plus the almost unanimous support from media outlets for Secretary Clinton argue that Trump’s apparent win must be regarded as highly improbable. Thankfully, President Obama is taking the unprecedented measures needed to protect the nation.”

In related news, recently defeated presidential candidate Hillary Clinton publicly urged Congress “to take steps to stamp out the epidemic of malicious fake news before it destroys the country. A deluge of false stories and outright lies enabled an unfit poser to eke out an apparent Electoral College majority over many say was the most qualified person to ever seek the presidency. Though efforts are currently underway to avert this travesty, it is also imperative that laws be changed to ensure that news be properly vetted by recognized and qualified journalists before it can be released to the public on any media platform.”

Clinton Campaign Tried to Silence Friendly Voice

While the official meme promoted by the left-stream media is that President-Elect Donald Trump is a threat to freedom of speech and freedom of the press, a story reported by MSNBC’s Mika Brzezinski points in the opposite direction.

The co-host of the cable news network’s “Morning Joe” program related a pre-election day incident in which an irate Hillary Clinton campaign official contacted MSNBC executives demanding that she be punished for criticizing the candidate’s “taking the election for granted.”

The thing is, I was worried that Hillary might lose the election and was trying to help her make a small course correction,” Brzezinski said. “This was around the same time that all the polls were showing her with a big lead. I thought the Clinton campaign was acting like the whole thing was already over and they could just coast to an easy win. I was giving them friendly advice. I didn’t think I did anything wrong. Yet, here they were calling for my head. The painful irony is that her arrogance may have been a factor in her losing to Donald Trump.”

In related news, the Dutch establishment’s efforts to stifle Geert Wilders—the leader of the right-wing Party for Freedom—may not work out as well as they hope. This week a Dutch court found Wilders guilty of “inciting racial hatred” when he asked attendees at a 2014 political rally whether they wanted “more or fewer Moroccans to be admitted into the Netherlands.” The court declined the prosecutor’s demand that Wilders be fined €5,000 and held that “conviction alone should be sufficient shame to drive Mr. Wilders out of politics.”

Like the United States’ Donald Trump, though, Wilders has been riding vocal criticism of unrestrained immigration to electoral success. The notoriety he has gained for speaking out on this issue now has his Party leading in the polls for next year’s scheduled elections.

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Senator Desperate to Pass ‘Lame Duck’ Bills

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnSen. Lindsay Graham (R-SC) has joined with Sen. John McCain (R-Az) to modify the recently passed Justice Against Sponsors of Terror Act (JASTA). This law allows victims of terrorist attacks to sue the governments that provide funding and sanctuary to terrorists.

Graham is concerned that “the existing law can come back to bite us. When Congress overrode President Obama’s veto they were thinking ‘let’s make these Muslim governments pay for the damages done by the groups they harbor.’ What was overlooked was the possibility that our own government would be made liable for damage done by terrorists armed by the Obama Administration. Ambassador Stevens, for example, was killed by weapons our country supplied to Libyan terror groups. If the families of those killed in the Benghazi attack sued our own government the embarrassment and damage to our prestige would be incalculable.”

“Haste in amending JASTA is essential,” Graham urged. “If we don’t get this passed before President Obama leaves office we’ll have no chance to achieve the needed reform. A President Trump would surely veto such a change. A President Obama, who didn’t want JASTA to begin with, will readily sign an amendment limiting its scope.”

In a second legislative endeavor, Graham joined with Sen. Dick Durbin (D-Ill) to draft a bill that would bar Trump from deporting some of those in the country illegally. “This bill is necessary because all that currently protects these people from being deported is an Executive Order issued by President Obama,” Graham pointed out. “That Executive Order can be countermanded by Trump on his own initiative without the consent of Congress. Rule by a unilateral Executive Order from a President Trump without Congressional consent would be dictatorial. This is something we must not allow to happen.”

Obama to Admit Refugees Barred from Entering Australia

The Obama Administration has agreed to admit nearly 2500 refugees that the Australian government has refused to allow into their country for “security reasons.” The refugees are from terrorism “hot spots” and have been excluded for failing to clear the country’s vetting process.

Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-Iowa) and Rep. Bob Goodlatte (R-Va) have complained about the lack of transparency in the President’s actions. “In a matter having obvious security implications the President is obliged to consult Congress before agreeing to bring potentially dangerous individuals into the United States,” Grassley contended. “The fact that these men were not deemed a good risk by Australia raises a red flag we ought to heed.”

“What Senator Grassley and Congressman Goodlatte are overlooking is that, almost to a man, these refugees are Muslim,” President Obama observed. “For us not to admit them would essentially be a decision wrought with implications of religious discrimination. Their rejection by Australia makes it even more imperative that we offer them the refuge promised on our Statue of Liberty. The chance that a few of these men may go on to wage jihad against our citizens is the price we have to pay as a free nation.”

President-Elect Donald Trump challenged Obama’s contention and insisted “these are the type of people who must not be allowed into our country. The pledge on the Statue of Liberty is meant to allow people who believe in freedom to come to America. Islamic terrorists are enemies of freedom who kill and destroy for the purpose of replacing freedom with religious tyranny.”

Obama brushed aside the President-Elect’s objections, saying that “by the time he is in a position to influence immigration policy these men will be secretly distributed to undisclosed locations inside the country. He won’t be able to find them, much less have any hope of getting them out of America.”

In related news, the government was forced to suspend citizenship naturalization ceremonies after it became public that the FBI background check system hasn’t been working for an undisclosed period of time. Governor Jerry Brown (D-Calif) invited those seeking naturalization to “come to California. We will give you documents that will enable you to exercise all of the privileges of citizenship, including voting, in our state.”

EEOC Announces New Workplace Regs

The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) announced new workplace regulations requiring employers to accommodate the languages spoken by prospective hires and current employees or “face sanctions including fines and/or revocation of permission to operate.” Oddly, the EEOC cited “the growing diversity of the nation’s workforce as the justification for the new rule.”

Under the new regulations requiring employees to speak or understand English is now deemed unlawful discrimination. “Employees have the right to communicate in a language of their own choosing,” EEOC Chairperson Jenny Yang argued. “It is the employer’s responsibility to learn the language of his employees or hire an interpreter if he can’t.”

The “Tower of Babel” implications of the new regulation didn’t faze Yang. “A polyglot environment is a vibrant environment,” she contended. “The opportunity for employers and employees to be exposed the cultural enrichment from such an environment is too good to pass up.”

Yang disputed critics fears that a “polyglot environment” might not contribute to business efficiency or success, saying that “immersion is a good way to learn a new language. Employers will find their horizons broadened in ways they didn’t think was possible. If they aren’t adept with languages their need to hire translators will stimulate employment by creating jobs.”

In addition to barring employers from requiring employees to understand English, the EEOC also barred requiring Social Security numbers as this “would present an insurmountable obstacle to those in the country illegally. The Administration has determined that immigration status cannot be used as a factor to exclude those without documentation from being hired.” Yang declared employers’ need for SSNs in order to comply with IRS tax collection regulations “not our problem.”

California’s Brave New World

While the most of the country has voted to veer away from the transformation of America spearheaded by President Obama, California has vowed to stay the course, at least on the environmental front.

In terms of air quality, the state has enacted new regulations to limit how much methane gas cows are allowed to emit while farting. California Air Resources Board science adviser Ryan McCarthy called the attempt “truly ambitious. No one really knows how we’re going to get this done. The State Assembly deserves credit for taking on a task that may well be impossible.”

“The obvious first response would be to change the cows’ diet to something less gassy,” McCarthy said. “But cows are evolved and have been bred to eat a high-fiber diet that may be inextricably linked to gassy emissions. Whether it is feasible in an economic or biological sense to shift them to different foods is unknown. Yogurt is a food that may help reduce gas, but trying to feed cows yogurt would create a circular conundrum. Clearly, we face a mountain of challenges if we are to achieve our objective.”

“A second response would be to design a system of capturing the emissions before they enter the air,” McCarthy added. “Attaining an effective seal strikes me as a major difficulty, as would separating out the solids from the gases. If we can recover the methane it could be used to power electric generators. This could offset some of the cost of the program.”

Meanwhile, judicial authorities in San Francisco have voided the City’s law against excreting in the streets. Judge John Stewart declared that “the ordinance against this is basically unenforceable. The penalty is a fine that the indigents living on the streets can’t afford to pay. It is also discriminatory against the homeless. Just because a person can’t afford rent doesn’t mean his bodily needs are negated. Until such a time that the City provides free housing with toilets for every resident it must endure public evacuation of the bladders and bowels of the less fortunate.”

DOJ Declines to Investigate Intimidation Against Trump Electors

Despite numerous reports of harassment and death threats against electors pledged to vote for Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump when the Electoral College meets on December 19, the US Department of Justice, thus far, has declined to take any action. DOJ deputy press secretary David Jacobs cast the issue as “not yet ripe enough.”

“From what we have heard these electors have been called names and warned they could be harmed if they don’t switch their vote to Secretary Clinton,” Jacobs recounted. “Name calling is protected freedom of speech. Just weeks ago the two leading candidates were calling each other ‘racist’ and ‘crooked.’ Given such vituperation at the top it shouldn’t surprise anyone that the backers of the loser would vent in the way they have. In our view, bad-mouthing a few electors is better than rioting in the streets.”

“As for the death threats, without actual casualties it is difficult to determine their seriousness,” Jacobs continued. “Historically, it has been minorities that have been lynched for voting the wrong way—that is, against the white racists that controlled Jim Crow governments across the South. So far, none of the Trump electors have been lynched and none of the Trump supporters that have been beaten in the streets has been seriously injured. Unless this changes, the Attorney General sees no reason to get the Department involved.”

Ironically, the Jim Crow Era crimes cited by Jacobs were carried out by Democrats in support of racist governments run by Democrats. Given the widespread insanity emanating from the supporters of the defeated Hillary Clinton, it is impossible to rule out the possibility that the lack of casualties can be taken as a lamentation for a loss of passion among the Party faithful compared to times past.

Left Mourns Passing of Castro

This week, long-time Cuban dictator Fidel Castro died at the age of 90. He violently took over the government of Cuba in 1959 and ruled it with an iron fist for 50 years until his retirement in 2011. His 85-year-old brother Raul has governed the island the last five years.

Fidel’s rule began with mass executions of opponents by firing squad for the entertainment of cheering crowds at the Havana soccer stadium. Enemies who weren’t murdered were thrown into filthy prisons where they were tortured and abused. The vast majority of Cubans lived lives of abject poverty and oppression. Over a million of them escaped by floating to the United States, many on make-shift rafts.

President Obama called Castro “a man who has had an enormous impact on the people around him.”

Pope Francis called Castro’s death “sad news.”

Former President Jimmy Carter said he and his wife “remember fondly our visits with him in Cuba. He called me a friend.”

Green Party presidential candidate Jill Stein praised him as “a symbol of the struggle for justice.”

Black Lives Matter issued a statement hailing Castro as “an inspiration for people seeking freedom and peace.”

In contrast, thousands of surviving escapees and their descendants living in the “Little Havana” section of Miami danced in the streets.

On the right, President-Elect Donald Trump excoriated “Fidel Castro’s legacy of firing squads, theft, unimaginable suffering, poverty and the denial of fundamental human rights” and pledged to roll back the Obama administration’s opening to Cuba unless his successors “move away from the horrors endured for too long, and toward a future in which the wonderful Cuban people finally live in the freedom they so richly deserve.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Democrat Party Doesn’t Need White People in Leadership

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnIn a bid to simplify the race for who will be the next chairperson of the Democratic National Committee, former Bernie Sanders for President spokeswoman Symone Sanders advised melanin deficient aspirants to “back off. We don’t need white people leading the Democratic Party right now.”

Contrasting “the whupping dished out to two pasty-faced white dudes by the Barack to the embarrassing upset suffered by the ghostly Hillary makes it clear that the Party’s future lies with people of color,” Symone argued. She was especially anxious that “the ‘crazy yodeling white dude’ not be allowed to lead the Party into the weeds” and expressed her support “for someone like Ellison to take the reins.”

Rep. Keith Ellison (D-Minn), an African-American Muslim from the communist wing of the Party, has already offered himself as a candidate for the DNC post. He is the second to announce his availability. Former Governor of Vermont Howard Dean, the “crazy yodeling white dude,” was the first.

Both of these men bring solid credentials into their bid to replace the scandal-plagued Donna Brazile as head of the DNC. Dean has called Donald Trump’s former campaign chairman and current senior strategic adviser, Stephen Bannon, a “Nazi.” Ellison, on the other hand, is the first openly Muslim member of Congress and a proponent of the theory that Jews were responsible for the 9-11 attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon.

Symone gained some notoriety in a recent CNN appearance where she dismissed a video of Blacks beating a white man who voted for Trump as “a small down payment on the debt owed for centuries of abuse of Blacks by whites. Millions of Blacks received worse beatings from white slave owners for less cause. The white man in the video brought it on himself by voting for Trump.”

In related news, the Baton Rouge Metro Council voted 10-2 to offer a $100,000 settlement to the Black Lives Matter agitators arrested for rioting last July. The riot stemmed from a demonstration in protest of police shooting Alton Sterling as he reached for his gun during a confrontation with the officers. The riot featured vandalism, road blockage, and an assault on a police officer.

France to Pay Illegals to Leave

The government of France is offering a bounty of €2,500 to migrants who voluntarily go home to their country of origin. The €2,500 to cover air fare is only part of the deal. An additional €10,000 in financial aid is available to help them get set up on arriving home.

Didier Leschi, the head of France’s immigration office, called the payment “a bargain compared to the cost of sustaining these people via the welfare benefits to which they are entitled under French law. The €10,000 each will receive upon arrival is enough to fund a small business in their native lands.”

The “small business” Syrian refugee Muhammed al-Gougu has in mind is an immigrant travel agency. “As I see it, with a €10,000 stake I can smuggle about 50 refugees into France each of whom will qualify for his own €12,500 repatriation allotment,” he observed. “They each will pay me a fee out of their allotment. I will use my profits to expand my business.”

In related news, a study conducted by the Confcommercio group found a statistical link between increased immigration and increased crime. For every one percent increase in immigration there was a 0.4 percent increase in crime. Rather than seeing this as a problem, the Italian government pointed out that “according to this study only 40% of the additional immigrants are involved in the commission of crimes. That’s less than half of them.” A less cheery finding is that legal immigrants are twice as likely and illegal immigrants are ten times as likely as natives to commit crimes.

Voter ID Laws Rigged Election for Trump

The League of Women Voters called for the election of Donald Trump to be voided on the grounds that the election was rigged. Chris Carson, president of the League of Women Voters maintains that “state laws requiring voters to show IDs before they are allowed to cast a ballot unduly restrict the franchise.”

“The whole point of democracy is to allow the people to govern themselves,” Carson said. “Limiting the franchise to only those who can prove who they are narrows the base and excludes those who can’t or won’t agree to identify themselves. This conflicts with the principle of the secret ballot.”

Nineteen states and Washington, D.C. have no ID mandate. According to Carson, “this is the model the rest of the country should be compelled to adopt. Look at how many came to the polls in California where no ID has to be shown. Look at how big of a margin it was for Hillary Clinton in this state. Clearly, the mandate of the people is that she should be president. That she’s not is a badge of shame tainting our democracy.”

Whether a “no ID” system would validate or destroy the democratic process is a matter for debate. Critics of Carson’s perspective estimate that in California alone at least two million non-citizens were allowed to cast ballots. That the participation of ineligible voters might dilute the effectiveness of citizens’ preferences is a perspective shared by the 80% of Americans who support ID requirements. To Carson, though, “citizenship is an arbitrary demarcation. As President Obama has pointed out, non-citizens living in the country have a material interest in the outcome and they have a moral right to defend the time and effort they invested in infiltrating our borders from being negated by the xenophobic contingent who by accident of birth are citizens through no virtue of their own.”

Bureaucrats Order Destruction of Food Bound for Homeless Shelter

The attempt by Kookers Kare to donate 4,000 lbs. of leftovers from the American Royal’s World Series of Barbecue to a local nonprofit organization called Hope City was thwarted by the Kansas City Health Department. The food donation has traditionally fed thousands of homeless persons in Kansas City for decades without complaint or incident. This time, however, the donated food was ordered destroyed by the Kansas City Health Department.

“All of that food was uninspected, so that makes it from an unapproved source, it cannot be served to the public,” Operations Manager Joe Williamson said. “It doesn’t matter that both sides of the transaction were satisfied with the arrangement. It doesn’t matter that the homeless recipients relish getting these award-winning leftovers. The government sets the rules that everyone is obliged to obey. The fact that the disobedience on display here has been going on for years without our knowledge merely exacerbates the crime.”

Williamson insisted that “the culprits are being let off easy. We took their claimed good intent into consideration and refrained from assessing fines or recommending prosecution. Rather than lamenting our interdiction of their illegal scheme they should consider themselves fortunate they’re not headed to jail.”

Union Decries Trump Nominee for Department of Education

President-elect Donald Trump’s nomination of Betsy DeVos for Secretary of Education did not sit well with American Federation of Teachers President Randi Weingarten. “In nominating DeVos, Trump makes it loud and clear that his education policy will focus on shifting control of education into the hands of students and their parents,” she complained. “This defies logic and can only lead to the destruction of the public education system.”

Weingarten dismissed the consumer empowerment concept as “a naive perspective for the delivery of as complex a product as education. Does a parent really know what’s best for her child? Can we, as a society, really afford to gamble with the future of our children? I hope the Senate will reject DeVos and demand that this vital post be manned by someone who has the same kind of expertise as every previous secretary since President Carter created a Cabinet-level Department of Education.”

In nominating DeVos, Trump called her “a brilliant and passionate education advocate. Under her leadership we will reform the US education system and break the bureaucracy that is holding our children back so that we can deliver world-class education and school choice to all families.”

DeVos says her advocacy of charter schools and school voucher programs “is aimed at employing the same consumer choice approach that has driven the commercial sector of our economy to ever higher levels of innovation and proficiency. The existing state-run education bureaucracy stifles innovation and has delivered a chronically deficient product. It’s time to try an approach that has worked elsewhere in our economy.”

In related news, the Silver Trail Middle School in Pembroke Pines, Florida has suspended an honor-student for using a toddler’s butter knife to cut and share a peach with a fellow student. A spokeswoman for the Broward Country school district defended the school’s punitive response as “simply following our policy on weapons.” The knife has been forwarded to the State Attorney’s Office “as evidence in case criminal charges need to be brought against the offender.”

Trump’s Direct Communication to Public Irks Major Media

Since winning the election, president-elect Donald Trump has broadcast a couple of brief messages directly to the general public over the Internet on his Facebook page. These communications have been denounced by some media talking heads.

Katy Tur of MSNBC called this “a disturbing end-run around the critical filter provided by professional journalists. It allows Trump to put his own ‘spin’ on the message and transmit it to voters before it has been vetted by those of us whose job it is to act as intermediaries.”

That Trump would seek a more direct path to communicate with Americans was probably inspired by the hatchet job the mainstream media did on him during the recently completed election campaign. So biased was the coverage that according to a Pew research study, 38percent  of the general public gave the major media an “F” compared to a combined total of only 22% giving a grade of “A” or “B.”

Tur was unmoved by the Pew findings, claiming that “average people aren’t really qualified to judge us. We are the ones with journalism degrees. We are the ones with real world experience covering politics. The ignorant impressions of the man-in-the-street can’t be taken as a valid critiques of our work.”


A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Micro-Aggression Terror at Portland Starbucks

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnCustomers and staff at a Portland, Oregon Starbuck’s coffee shop endured a moment of pure terror when another customer asked for the name “Trump” to be written on his order.

“This used to be a safe space,” said a weepy barista while whipping up a Latte Venti for a cowering customer in an “I’m with her” t-shirt. “That our grief over the election results could be so disrespected so soon reaffirms our fears that a new dark age is upon us.”

Customer, Marcus Child admitted to “trembling in horror at the insensitivity of some people. The greatest woman in human history has just seen her dreams shattered by a wave of bigotry from the deplorable voters who backed a fascist takeover of this country.”

Weeping and trembling weren’t the only activities underway during this terrifying incident. One of the victims covertly called the police on the 911 line. Ten minutes later police arrived to confront the man who inspired the widespread angst. He seemed oddly calm and unaware as he drank his coffee and fiddled with his cell  


As it turned out, the man’s name is John Trump. He, like most of his fellow Portlandians, voted for Hillary Clinton. Nevertheless, he was apologetic for his inadvertent aggression. “I’m disappointed too, but its just an election,” he said. “There’ll be another one in a few years. I guess in hindsight I should’ve used my first name. It’s just that ‘John’ is so common. I was afraid my order might get mixed up with another customer’s.”

Police advised John Trump to consider bearing the risk of order mix-ups for a while, “at least until the terror stemming from Donald Trump’s being elected president subsides a bit.”

In related news, anti-Trump protesters outside the Trump Hotel in Washington, DC called for Donald’s wife Melania to be raped. How this fits with the the protesters’ contention that Trump is the advocate of hate remains a mystery.

Campaign Launched to Reverse Election Outcome

A campaign has been launched by Hillary supporters to intimidate Trump electors into voting for Clinton on December 19th. Personal data—names and addresses—have been published in hopes that “people will take the initiative to contact these electors and persuade them to change their vote for the good of the country.” Part of that “good” may be self-preservation, as a number of Trump electors have reported receiving death threats if they “vote wrong.”

Retiring Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) blamed President-Elect Donald Trump for “the surge of violence that has erupted since the election. His deplorable campaign of hate and bigotry left those of us who love America with no choice but to take extreme measures to try to overturn the erroneous voting results. I call upon Mr. Trump to do the right thing and step down to allow the winner of the popular vote to take office.”

Outgoing President Obama says he takes “comfort in the fortitude of those marching in protest of Donald Trump’s apparent electoral victory. Many of those demonstrating their displeasure missed the opportunity to vote on election day. It is encouraging to see that they haven’t given up and are going the extra mile while there is still a chance to correct the mistake made by those who did vote.”

The head of the Los Angeles office for the Council on American-Islamic Relations (CAIR), Hussam Ayloush, called for Muslims “to overthrow the government now that it is no longer friendly toward our objectives.”

In related news, the Democratic Party, looking to lock up the Muslim vote in future elections, seems set to install Minnesota Representative Keith Ellison as the new chairman of the Democratic National Committee. Ellison has been endorsed by both outgoing Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid and incoming Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (NY) as “a strong progressive who will bring new thinking to the DNC.”

Obama Endorses Merkel

US President Barack Obama’s farewell tour of Europe saw him heaping fulsome praise on Germany’s Chancellor Angela Merkel this week.

The President called her “an outstanding partner” and said “her assistance in fighting global warming, negotiating the Iranian deal, and standing up to Russian aggression has been critical to the progress we have made. Her decision to welcome over a million Muslim refugees is, I believe, a strategic move of immense significance. Muslims are among the fiercest fighters in world history. If Germany had been Muslim in the 1940s the outcome of World War II might well have been different. What’s past is past, but the future is looking brighter because of what she has done.”

Obama also hailed “Germany’s achievement of a new domestic model of a multicultural society where the best of eastern reproductive fecundity and the western work ethic are being mixed into a dynamic synthesis that will change forever the way we perceive social justice. I just wish I could vote for her.”

Whether Obama’s praise and endorsement will help Merkel in the coming elections is questionable. In recent by-elections in Berlin, Merkel’s Christian Democrats were beaten by candidates from the anti-immigrant Alternative for Germany party. It appears that actual Germans aren’t as keen on the idea of Islamizing the country as Merkel and Obama seem to be.

In related news, a translator working with Muslim refugees in Germany says that when talking amongst themselves, “they express hatred and contempt for Christians and boast they will out breed them and claim Germany for Allah.”

Senator Vows to Blockade Trump Agenda

Sen. Lindsay Graham (R-SC) vowed he would block Trump’s efforts to clamp down on illegal immigration and make peace with Russia. “He may think that because there is a GOP majority that he can get his way over here,” Graham warned. “But it will only take a few of us to join with the Democrats to thwart his plans.”

Graham found Trump’s idea that the United States and Russia could make common cause to fight ISIS “frightening. Russia has been this country’s adversary for longer than I’ve been alive. They have nuclear weapons. They’re dangerous. ISIS is a ‘johnny-come-lately’ phenomenon. They have no nuclear weapons. They are far less dangerous. President Obama’s strategy of aiding ISIS as a counterbalance to Russia strikes me as the wiser policy option. I will do everything I can to try to sustain this course of action.”

“From my perspective, President Obama has done a damn good job,” Graham insisted. “I’m not going to stand by and allow all the good work he’s accomplished be undone. The advances made toward recognizing the inherent gender fluidity of life are, by themselves, the most important achievement in our nation’s history. We will never be able to thank him enough for this signature success.”

Google Promises to Censor “Fake News”

Acknowledging that “our knee-jerk notion that freedom of speech should not be stifled may have blinded us to our responsibility to prevent the promulgation of ‘fake news,’” Google’s chief executive Sundar Pichai said and promised “to do a better job of weeding out erroneous and misleading posts in the future.”

Pichai was especially hard on himself “for letting Hillary down. The more established media arbiters at CNN, NBC, CBS, etc. held as firm as they could to protect their viewers from being exposed to bogus news like the Wikileaks documents. But those of us in the Internet zone allowed our users to publish them. That illegally obtained documents would be permitted to poison voters’ opinion of Secretary Clinton’s honesty and suitability was a travesty. This never would have happened in the days when all the news was filtered through iconic reporters like Cronkite and Brokaw.”

The Google executive admitted to uncertainty about “how to fight against ideological pollution,” but assured that “we will do whatever it takes to clean things up. However, since we can’t guarantee that every fake news story can be effectively blocked ahead of time it would be helpful if penalties could be imposed on those who slip past our safeguards.”

Meanwhile, the New York Times—a leading purveyor of fake news—desperately begged readers to stop canceling their subscriptions and promised to cease fabricating the news in the future. Odds-makers are doubtful this strategy will work. “Only a fool would bet on a liar to tell the truth if given a second chance,” said one anonymous source.

Chicago to Remain Sanctuary City

Calling illegal alien criminal gangs “a time-honored part of our city’s culture,” Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel announced that “we will remain a sanctuary city regardless of whatever opposition a President Trump might express to our policy.”

For his part, President-Elect Trump has pledged to deport or incarcerate the estimated two million illegal aliens in the country who have criminal records. Given that Chicago suffers from dozens of gang-related shootings every month it would seem that removing criminal aliens from the mix might lessen the carnage.

Emanuel was having none of this, though, calling the apparent salutary objective of deporting the worst of the worst “a camouflage for the real aim of deporting prospective Democrat voters. I think that most Latinos are willing to accept a few casualties as a reasonable price to pay for the gains that can be attained from being granted an electoral franchise.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.





Trump Win Sparks Left-Wing Protests

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnDonald Trump’s surprising upset win over his heavily favored Democratic rival Hillary Clinton has sparked disturbing responses from some of her supporters. In Oakland, California anti-Trump protesters battled with police and set a squad car on fire. In Los Angeles, a protester ominously predicted “there will be casualties…because people have to die to make a change in this world.” In Portland, Oregon, rioters vandalized businesses. On Twitter the “hashtag” #assassinateTrump is trending.

Kellyanne Conway, Trump’s campaign manager, called on President Obama and Hillary Clinton to ask their supporters to refrain from violence. “We didn’t see this kind of violent response from Republicans when President Obama was elected in 2008 and 2012,” Conway pointed out. “The very least the leaders of the Democratic Party should do is urge their followers to confine themselves to peaceful and legal means of expressing their opinions.”

Thus far, Obama and Clinton have remained mum, but Press Secretary Josh Earnest reassured the media that “President Obama’s position that Trump is uniquely unqualified hasn’t changed. That there should be widespread outrage that a person with such poor suitability might be the next president shouldn’t be surprising. Carrying this outrage into the streets is a natural expression of views protected by the First Amendment.”

Meanwhile, presumed front-runner for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren defended the protests as “a justifiable response to a Trump campaign fueled by racism and bigotry. People are upset and they’re right to be upset. The damage done breaking a few windows and roughing up a few suspected Trump voters is far less than the damage that will be done by a Trump Administration.”

Retiring Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) asserted that “the election of Donald Trump has emboldened the forces of hate and bigotry in America.” Lest anyone think he might be condemning the anti-Trump rioters, Reid maintains that “innocent African Americans, Hispanic Americans, Muslim Americans, LGBT Americans and Asian Americans are now living in fear of their own government and their fellow Americans.” A fear that he argues is “entirely rational.” Reid concluded by laying the responsibility for restoring order on Trump who, he says “could immediately defuse the situation by conceding the election to Hillary Clinton. She won the popular vote. More people want her to be president than want Trump to be president.”

In related news, the demand for psychiatric services in New York City soared after Trump’s victory. Local Dr. Fran Tichman was giddy over the boom in business. “New Yorkers already have above average incidences of emotional issues. Many are living on the edge of mental breakdown. The recent election has pushed these people over the brink.”

The contrast with the right-wing surge to buy guns during the Obama Administration is profound. At that time, we saw conservatives taking action to defend themselves from external threats. Now, we see people seeking mental counseling help for internal threats. While NYC shrinks are filling their calendars with appointments, sales of firearms are expected to decline with Trump in office.

Democrats Seeking Scapegoat for Loss

Reeling from the shock of an unanticipated election defeat, Clinton Campaign chairman John Podesta, whose emails detailing rampant cheating and corruption by the Democratic National Committee and its chosen candidate were exposed by Wikileaks, blamed media bias in favor of Trump as “the main reason we lost. Their refusal to give adequate coverage to Trump’s obvious unfitness combined with their unfair and relentless scrutiny of every little misstep made by Secretary Clinton poisoned her reputation was a stab in the back by people we thought we could trust.”

As an example of media bias, Podesta cited “the superficial attention given to Trump’s taxes and his connections to Russia. Despite our repeated efforts to help them focus on the message we wanted to convey on these issues they got side-tracked by the Wikileaks invasion of my private communications. My emails were obtained illegally and would not have been admissible in a court of law. In a just world the content of these emails would have been suppressed.”

Podesta also named the Obama Administration “an accessory in this miscarriage of justice. At the very least, the Department of Justice should have issued a ‘gag order’ barring newspapers, TV networks, and radio stations from mentioning any of the contents in any of these emails. Instead, FBI Director James Comey was allowed to enumerate a list of infractions that gave the impression that Clinton was guilty of some sort of crime for operating a non-secure system, destroying public documents, and lying about it. This was a betrayal of the first magnitude.”

Long-time Clinton crony Sidney Blumenthal offered some sympathy for Comey, calling him “the victim of a conspiracy of right-wing FBI agents who staged a coup d’etat against the rightful rulers of this country. Comey tried to protect Hillary from these traitors, but was thwarted by pressure from them ridiculously insisting that she be treated the same as any other person under the law.”

President Obama blamed Facebook. “By essentially allowing anyone to post whatever they wanted to on Facebook, Mr. Zuckerberg neglected his responsibility to police the forum and block the publication of erroneous ideas,” Obama complained. “I know he contends that his algorithms were designed to divert attention away from these erroneous ideas, but clearly that wasn’t adequate. Millions of people were still able, through persistence, to find these posts and be influenced by them to cast incorrect ballots. This is something that has to be fixed before the next election.”

Obama Pondering Pardoning Clinton

Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest expressed confidence that President Obama would “not let emotional outbursts by people understandably distraught over the election deter him from pardoning Hillary and those other public servants for any crimes they may have committed in the course of performing their duties. The template for such a pardon was established by President Ford’s similar pardon for Nixon. And as Hillary pointed out in one of the debates, in America we don’t jail losing candidates.”

“Governing is not a business for the squeamish,” Earnest added. “Actions that might be regarded as appalling if done by ordinary people may be necessary for maintaining order and continuity among those elevated to rule the nation. Punishing members of the governing class for undertaking the distasteful tasks necessary would be too disruptive to the peaceful transfer of power.”

France and Germany Rattled by Trump’s Election

French and German officials expressed concern over the election of Donald Trump as the next US president.

French Foreign Minister Jean-Marc Ayrault called Trump’s triumph over Clinton “a shock to the system. Trump’s insistence that we must pay for our own defense is an unprecedented deviation from the post WWII consensus.”

French President Francois Hollande, languishing with a pathetic 4% approval rating, feared that “the success of Mr. Trump may be a harbinger of a resurgent right-wing in France. If a nation with only a tiny fraction of Muslim immigrants installs Trump there would seem to be little chance of us avoiding the election of Marine Le Pen next year.”

A despondent German Chancellor Angela Merkel wondered “who will now help bear the burden of accepting Muslim gropers, molesters, and rapists? Secretary Clinton gave many assurances that significant numbers would be admitted to the United States if she was elected. Trump promises to block all those who can’t be properly vetted. This may end the post-World War II alliance between our two countries.”

In related news, the Muslim Brotherhood labeled Trump’s election “a disaster for our hopes of creating a new global caliphate. Our opportunity to penetrate America will be drastically curtailed and our fighters trapped within the confines of Europe and Asia.”

NYC Mayor to Delete Illegal Alien Database

New York City’s Democratic Mayor Bill de Blasio says he will order the deletion of the database of 850,000 illegal aliens residing in his city “to protect them from any enforcement action President Trump may attempt after he takes office.”

The database was established as part of deBlasio’s initiative to issue ID cards to those in the country illegally “so they can live normal lives like any other American. New York has been and will remain a sanctuary city. If it was important when a friendly Administration was in charge in Washington, it is crucial now that a hostile bigot like Trump is in line to be president.”

DeBlasio proclaimed himself “unafraid of what a President Trump might do. Congress will never allow him to cut federal aid to sanctuary cities. And the FBI is already on record declaring that the deletion of public data by former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was not a prosecutable offense. So, there’s precedent protecting our action. I don’t see what leverage Trump could have to try to enforce compliance with his new policies.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.


Hillary’s Unsecure Email System Breached

By   John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnFBI agents examining the trove of former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s emails on a lap-top computer seized from sexter Anthony Weiner reportedly have discovered that the emails show signs of being hacked on multiple occasions. Among the suspected hackers are China, Germany, Russia and South Korea.

Clinton campaign manager Robby Mook contends that “this proves what we’ve been saying all along. It’s good that a source as reputable as the FBI has corroborated that it is the Russians who’ve been meddling in our election and why America’s future security is dependent upon the election of a proven leader like Secretary Clinton as our next president.”

FBI Director James Comey declined to offer any details regarding the ongoing criminal investigation into Secretary Clinton’s illegal email set-up, but did call Mook’s assertion “an inaccurate characterization of the status of what we have gleaned from Mr. Weiner’s device.”

In related news, Huma Abedin, Hillary confidante and wife to Weiner, has been tasked by the campaign to atone for her role in the scandal by raising more money to supplement the billion dollar effort to elect Clinton. At a fund-raiser at the north-west Washington home of Constance Milstein, a $5,000 donation will entitle the giver to a “selfie” photograph with Abedin. Millionaire Democrat donor Dennis Mann says he “can’t wait. This is the biggest scandal in American history. Paying a mere $5,000 to be photographed with a key confederate like Huma is an opportunity not to be missed.”

DOD to Reform Army Recruitment

This week Secretary of Defense Ashton Carter announced his “vision” for the Army of the future. As Carter sees it “the armed forces need to represent a better cross section of the population. Right now too many of our recruits are rednecks and gun nuts. As President Obama is fond of saying, ‘this is not who we are as a country.’”

In order to move toward a more representative mix in the US military Carter vows “to enlist more people with different lifestyles.” The different lifestyles under consideration include the obese, drug addicts, transgenders, and single moms. “Excluding these different people guarantees that our troops will not resemble our population,” the secretary pointed out. “By being more inclusive we will show this country’s enemies that they face our total population, not just those who are fit to fight.”

“The flip side, of course, is opening up all the benefits of military service to people, who quite frankly, could use it,” the secretary said. “The medical care for those on active duty exceeds anything that Obamacare can provide. There’s no deductible. There’s no limit on how much can be spent on any individual. Considering that overweight people have more health problems and that many transgenders can’t afford genital reconstruction surgery, the option of having the government take care of you has to be attractive to these groups.”

In a similar move, the Obama Administration’s Advancing Diversity in Law Enforcement initiative is pushing 18,000 law enforcement agencies at the state and local levels to hire drug abusers and ex-cons as a way to recruit more officers from “underrepresented communities.” Vanita Gupta, Deputy Assistant Attorney General for civil rights for the US Department of Justice, called “these victims of white man’s justice a prime untapped resource for achieving a more progressive society. Their experiences from the other side will be invaluable as we march forward toward a brighter tomorrow.”

Obama Warns Voters “Trump Is Not One of Us”

In his last push on behalf of electing Hillary Clinton our next president, President Obama sought to paint her GOP opponent Donald Trump as “other.”

“Donald Trump is not a regular guy,” Obama said. “He doesn’t drink the same beer you do. He doesn’t drink any kind of beer or other alcoholic beverage. He may have been a TV star, but all your favorite TV and movie stars hate him. I’m the one they like and I’m telling you to vote for Hillary.”

Obama also contrasted “Trump’s money-grubbing career as a billion-dollar real estate tycoon” with “Hillary’s life of public service. He piled up a fortune by forcing people to pay to stay in his hotels. Hillary left the White House dead broke and would have died penniless if grateful people from all parts of the world hadn’t given her millions to continue her public service as a senator and secretary of state.”

“The choice is clear,” Obama said. “Do you want to risk taking a chance on an unproven and inexperienced outsider like Trump? Or do you want to ensure that we stay the course I have led the country on for these past eight years? The future of America and the world depends on how you vote on November 8th.”

Contrary to the Democrats’ efforts to portray Trump and his supporters as “deplorables,” a study just released by the Pew Research Center found that “Donald Trump’s supporters are more tolerant, open-minded, respectful and understanding than are Hillary Clinton’s supporters.”

“It’s not at all what I would’ve expected,” remarked MSNBC’s Chris Matthews. “Clinton’s backers are the ones with liberal arts degrees. The meme is that college education makes you more tolerant. The only explanation that makes sense is that the Trump supporters are justifiably tolerant of their social betters and the Clinton supporters are justifiably intolerant of the social inferiors who make up the bulk of Trump’s supporters.”

However, another possible explanation is that while Trump has narrowly focused his attacks on a “crooked” Hillary, she, in turn, has broadly demeaned Trump supporters as “dark, divisive, and dangerous.” It is possible that Trump’s supporters are more tolerant of Hillary’s supporters because they see them as fellow victims of her crimes and deserving of some sympathy. Perhaps Clinton’s scurrilous denigration of Trump’s supporters is a factor in her supporters instigating violence at Trump rallies.

In related news, music producer and singer Pharrell Williams urged women to vote for Hillary because “she’s no more dishonest than you are. Sure she’s lied, but who hasn’t? Men have screwed this country up since the beginning. It’s time a woman is given a chance.”

White House Happy with Brazile

Despite Wikileaks evidence showing that Donna Brazile helped Hillary Clinton cheat against rival Bernie Sanders during the Democratic primaries by covertly passing questions to her ahead of debates, Press Secretary-Josh Earnest maintains that she has President Obama’s full support as chairperson of the DNC.

“The president is loyal to his friends,” Earnest insisted. “The fact that Donna has been fired by CNN for besmirching their integrity has only stiffened his resolve to stand by her. Look, what she did is no worse than a baseball team stealing another team’s signs. It’s all part of the game. It’s not her fault that Bernie and his crew didn’t have the enterprise to cultivate their own inside contacts at the networks. Their lack of preparation shouldn’t be used as an excuse to pillory long-time public servants like Donna and Hillary.”

“The key thing is to win,” Earnest added. “If you win you have the power to make whatever you had to do legal. If you lose you’re left on the outside begging for crumbs from the winner. Donna didn’t just choose to back the winner. She went the extra mile to help make that happen in what turned out to be a very close race. She is the kind of person the President is proud to have on our side.”

Wikileaks Expose Documents Showing “Intent”

In July, FBI Director James Comey enumerated a list of crimes for which former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton could’ve been prosecuted if only there were evidence of “intent.” He settled for labeling her deceptive practices regarding classified communications as “extraordinarily careless.”

This past week’s Wikileaks document unveiling included two emails indicating that Clinton’s henchmen were actively pursuing steps to hide her crimes. In one email, campaign chairman John Podesta says “we are going to have to dump all those emails.” In another, Clinton aide Cheryl Mills orders technicians running the illegal email system to delete undesired emails with “Bleach Bit.”

Podesta attempted to assert that “dump” could’ve meant to publish the emails. “Every week we see Friday afternoon ‘dumps’ of information by the Obama Administration,” he pointed out. “Who’s to say that I didn’t intend for our technicians to publish those 33,000 emails?” Perhaps the fact that the emails were not published might be indicative of Podesta’s real intent to have them deleted.

For her part, Mills contends that her mention of Bleach Bit “was merely part of a process brainstorming options for dealing with the problem. How was I to know the IT guys would actually implement this option?” In the face of one of the technicians’ concerns that “this whole thing is really covering up a lot of shady sh*t,” the notion that hired IT guys would, on their own initiative, “bleach” the emails out of Hillary’s hard drive without instructions to do so from the person who hired them seems dubious.

In related news, in another Wikileaks exposed email Podesta expressed dismay that Chelsea Clinton “would air our dirty laundry by confiding her fears about the financial irregularities at the Foundation with one of Bush’s daughters. This is not smart. Then again, her mother has made some amazingly stupid decisions. So I guess the apple didn’t fall too far from the tree.”

Clinton Campaign Questions FBI Release

This week the FBI released a file with information regarding former President Bill Clinton’s pardon of fugitive financier Marc Rich in 2001. Rich was under indictment on 65 criminal counts, including income tax evasion, wire fraud, racketeering, and trading with Iran during the oil embargo. Subsequent to receiving the pardon, Rich paid a million dollars to the Clintons.

Clinton campaign press secretary Brian Fallon accused the FBI of “wrongfully trying to influence the election,” characterized the seeming bribe for the pardon as “a coincidence,” and complained that “even if it was a bribe, the statute of limitations on that crime has long since expired.”

An FBI spokesman described the release as “a routine response to a Freedom of Information Request. The statute of limitations on the case is expired. Mr. Rich is dead. There will be no prosecution. So there is no legal grounds for withholding this public record.”

Biden Says Hillary Faces Unfair “Double Standard”

Vice-President Joe Biden assailed what he says is an unfair “double standard” when it comes to judging Hillary Clinton’s “authenticity and trustworthiness.”

“Look, when her husband was running for president voters overlooked the Whitewater scam and all the women he molested and let him be president,” Biden remembered. “They lowered the bar for him. In a just world they’d give a similar pass to Hillary. But no, every little misstep is being held against her by a biased media aided and abetted by a rogue FBI.”

“They say she lies,” Biden added. “What politician doesn’t lie? Bill lied about Monica. Harry Reid lied about Romney. Barack lied about keeping your doctor. It happens. We don’t hold it against the brave men and women who must make great sacrifices to run the country.”

“I say she’s paid her dues waiting in line for her turn at the top,” Biden declared. “Letting her have that turn will enable us to repay the enormous debt this nation owes her for three decades of public service.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Renewed FBI Probe Riles Democrats

By   John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnThis week FBI Director James Comey announced it might have to revisit the criminal investigation into former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s emails. “In the course of our investigation on another case we came across a device that held emails pertinent to our earlier probe of Secretary Clinton,” Comey said in his letter to Congress.

Coming on the heels of recent Wikileaks revelations of stunning examples of corruption and obstruction of justice in emails hacked from Hillary Clinton’s campaign chairman John Podesta’s computer, as well as Project Veritas’ videos implication the Clinton campaign in dirty tricks and election fraud, the FBI’s announcement was not well taken by the Democrats.

Podesta called Comey’s action “an unprecedented betrayal and a violation of the agreement we reached with him four months ago that Secretary Clinton would be found innocent of any criminal intent regarding her illegal system. This hint of scandal so late in the campaign threatens to derail the election of the most qualified person to ever seek the office of president.”

Former President Bill Clinton’s Labor Secretary Robert Reich questioned the “irresponsible” timing of the release, saying that “it should be up to whoever is elected president in 11 days to decide whether there need be any further effort expended on a matter ruled closed last July by Comey himself.”

Left-wing economist Paul Krugman went on a tweet rampage alleging that “Comey is trying to swing the election” and claiming that “reneging on his earlier verdict of innocent constitutes ‘double jeopardy.’ This is expressly forbidden by the Fifth Amendment.”

David Axelrod, former senior adviser to President Obama, condemned Comey for “placing institutional loyalty to the FBI over his loyalty to President Obama. The FBI has taken a lot of flak for letting Hillary escape indictment for her extraordinary carelessness. But taking flak is the role of loyal subordinates. Comey’s wilting under the damage to the FBI’s reputation as a law enforcement agency exhibits a weakness that demonstrates his unfitness to serve in government.”

Vice-President Joe Biden defended Clinton’s decision to resort to using a secret illegal email system, calling it “a natural response to the unrelenting abuse she’s received from Republicans and their media hatchet men over the past 30 years. I don’t blame her and Bill for racking up all the cash they’ve pocketed since leaving the White House. I’m sure they see it as deserved compensation for the torment they’ve suffered.”

In related news, Attorney General Loretta Lynch declined to comply with an investigation by Congress of the Obama Administration’s secret efforts to pay Iran $1.7 billion in ransom money. Melanie Newman, Director of the Department of Justice’s Office of Public Affairs justified Lynch’s refusal to cooperate as “a matter of prosecutorial discretion. As the nation’s chief law-enforcement official it is within her power to determine whether any legal action needs to be taken in any particular case. In this case she has determined that there is nothing worthy of further inquiry.” Rep. Mike Pompeo (R-Kan) characterized Lynch’s position as “the equivalent of a crook who pleads the Fifth to avoid self-incrimination.”

ACLU Files to Force Catholic Hospitals to Sterilize Patients

This week the American Civil Liberties Union filed a complaint with the Department of Health and Human Services Office for Civil Rights demanding that it force Catholic hospitals to sterilize patients. The complaint alleges that the refusal to provide a service the religiously supported hospitals deem a violation of their faith is unlawful discrimination against women.

ACLU spokesman Bertram Petty asserted that “religious dogma must yield to the government’s right to determine what kinds of medical procedures are essential human rights under the Affordable Care Act. The government represents everyone. The Catholic Church represents a minority. Clearly, democracy requires that a minority’s preferences must give way to the mandates derived from majority rule.”

Petty dismissed the argument that there are many non-religious hospitals where patients could seek the services not available at Catholic institutions, saying that “the abundance of secular alternatives evades the main point. The ACA has laid out a list of procedures patients are entitled to receive from every health care provider. If we start allowing providers to decline to comply with requests we are elevating idiosyncratic notions of individual or religious rights to supersede the definition of rights granted to us by the government.”

“While we have some sympathy for the idea that there is a zone of personal freedom for individual choice, we also must adjust when government decides to narrow that zone, as it has with the ACA,” Petty added. “To do less would be to permit individualism to trump equality.”

In related news, a recent poll conducted by Politico and the Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health found that 58% of voters oppose using taxpayer money to fund abortions performed under the Medicaid system, while 36% favor it. Hillary Clinton has pledged to repeal the law that currently bars the federal government from spending tax dollars on abortions. Robert Blendon, the Harvard professor who conducted the poll, doubts it will negatively affect her election chances “because few voters are aware of her actual views on the topic.”

Democrat Election Fraud Continues Across America

In Florida, Gladys Coego, a temporary worker for the Miami-Dade County Elections Department, was caught altering mailed in ballots by coloring in “bubbles” that the original voter had left blank. Coego justified her effort “to salvage votes that otherwise would’ve gone to waste. If a person doesn’t fully exercise their right to vote where’s the harm in me finishing the job they left undone?”

In a separate incident, Tomika Curgil was accused by the State Attorney’s office of filing voter registration forms for five individuals without their consent, 17 additional forms for fictitious persons and several for persons recently deceased.

Juan Cuba, executive director of the Miami-Dade Democratic Party, urged that “we not overreact to these minor infractions that obviously stem from misplaced enthusiasm. Granted, they shouldn’t have done what they did, but it was not for personal gain. It was out of a zealous concern for the good of the nation. At worst, it couldn’t result in more than a few dozen unwarranted ballots being cast. The odds that it might change the outcome are incredibly small.”

In Virginia, Vafalay Massaquoi is facing felony charges for using fake names to fill out voter registration forms. Massaquoi said he viewed his actions as “fair payback for the hundreds of years of oppression of blacks in this state and the country. I felt it was long past the time that we needed to balance out all the voices that were silenced by slavery and Jim Crow.”

In Virginia’s Fairfax County, voters requesting mail-in ballots received a letter from Governor Terry McAuliffe urging them to vote Democrat. Including partisan campaign material in the mailings is illegal. Nonetheless, McAuliffe labeled the incident “an honest mistake. Can we really expect county employees to know that it would be against the law to insert a letter signed by their state’s governor into the mailing? I’m sure this isn’t the first time such a thing has happened. So let’s not make too much of it.”

In North Carolina, Hillary supporter Robert Dougherty bragged on Facebook about how he voted for some of his Facebook friends using their identities and saving them the bother of “having to wait on line to vote the straight Democratic ticket we all support.” Dougherty vowed to “continue voting everyday right up to November 8th using names and addresses I got from Google. I can’t believe how easy it is.”

Longtime Clinton campaign operative James Carville advised “everyone should chill out. Of course there will be some election fraud. Rather than crying about it the Republicans need to show some initiative to come up with their own schemes to offset what we Democrats are doing. That’s what competition is all about.”

Meanwhile, the Department of Justice warns that “private citizens challenging voters to prove their identity and videotaping or photographing alleged fraud is a violation of federal voting rights laws. Oversight of the election process must be left up to the authorized public officials.”

Dem VP Candidate Says Hillary Will Seek Broader War-Making Powers

In an appearance on the CNN program The Axe Files, Democratic vice-presidential candidate Sen. Tim Kaine (Va.) reassured David Axelrod, a former top adviser to President Obama, that “Secretary Clinton wants to unleash the president’s ability to move more quickly deploy military force against this nation’s enemies. The Authorization for Use of Military Force (AUMF) that Congress passed to enable the Bush Administration to invade Afghanistan is too restrictive. The next president needs the authority to strike quickly without warning.”

Kaine cited the current stalemate in Syria between US and Russian forces as an example of where broader presidential war-making authority is needed. “Despite the atrocities carried out by the Russians on behalf of the Assad regime, President Obama has been unable to intervene because of Congressional interference,” Kaine contended. “He has drawn ‘red lines’ that have been violated, but has hesitated to retaliate out of fear that Congress might impede a successful use of force like a ‘no fly zone.’”

The authorization Hillary would pursue was characterized as “a sort of ‘power-of-attorney’ that she could employ to take action on the nation’s behalf without having to get an explicit congressional okay on a case-by-case basis,” Kaine said. “If such an authorization had been put in place during the early years of the Obama Administration the perpetrator of the Wikileaks invasion into private emails that are now threatening to overthrow the election could have been ‘droned’ as Hillary urged President Obama to do.”

In related news, Hillary is said to be considering appointing current Vice-President Joe Biden as Secretary of State in her administration. Jake Sullivan, a foreign policy adviser to the Clinton campaign touted Biden as “a man with the kind of ‘hands on’ experience that could be very valuable in the critical task of dealing with the leaders of other nations. His suggestion that home owners get a shotgun for personal self-defense and fire it through the front door to scare off intruders reveals a solid grasp of the practical aspects of mounting an appropriate show of force to deter foreign aggression.”

Obama Says Consumers to Blame for Health Insurance Cost Hikes

With the price of health insurance under Obamacare continuing to spiral upward many consumers are concerned they won’t be able to afford to purchase the mandatory coverage. While the average projected increase for next year is around 25 percent, in many places it is much higher. In Arizona, for example, cost hikes are expected to exceed 100 percent.

President Obama, the guy who promised that the cost of insurance would decline under the ironically misnamed Affordable Care Act, blamed consumers for “failing to shop around to find the best bargain.” Unfortunately the choice of providers needed for this advice to work has also been a casualty of the ACA. In parts of Arizona where some of the price hikes have been most severe only one provider is offering qualifying policies.

Jonathan Gruber, the MIT professor who designed Obamacare, acknowledged that “a key flaw in the program is that the penalties for not buying health care insurance are too low. If the fines for noncompliance are only hundreds of dollars while the cost of the insurance is thousands or tens of thousands a year, too many will opt to pay the fines. Hillary’s plan to fix the program by boosting the penalties up to where they are higher than the cost to buy the insurance will force these scofflaws into compliance.”

A deterrent to buying the mandated policies that went unmentioned by the program’s advocates are the high deductibles. Under the “affordable” Bronze plan no benefits are paid to the insured until he or she has already incurred and paid for $6,000 in covered medical expenses for each policy-year of coverage. Those who don’t have to be hospitalized won’t likely meet the deductible.

Health and Human Services Secretary Sylvia Burwell, however, pointed out that “a simple visit to a hospital emergency room lasting less than a full day will easily added up to several times the amount of the deductible. The bill for an x-ray can easily exceed $1,000. Dosing a patient with a couple of Tylenol capsules can be billed at over $100. Those without insurance will have to pay all of these amounts out of their own pocket. So they should stop whining about deductibles.”

A saner approach to health care would ask why care rendered in a hospital should be so outrageously expensive. Perhaps critics who argue that the ACA is better understood as an intended coerced transfer of wealth from consumers to the moneyed interests from the health sector—hospitals, drug manufacturers, and insurers—who lobbied to get the legislation passed by an all-Democrat, Party-line vote back in 2010.

German Court Overturns Rape Conviction

The Iraqi immigrant who raped a ten-year old boy in the changing area of a swimming pool in the Austrian capital of Vienna had his conviction overturned by the German Supreme Court this past week.

The assailant, Amir A, had previously offered a “sexual emergency” argument in justification of the rape. “It had been more than four months since I had seen my wife and I had to receive sexual release for the sake of my health,” he claimed. The health of his victim was negatively impacted by the encounter. The child suffered severe anal injuries and is still plagued by serious post-traumatic stress disorder.

The trial court rejected the “sexual emergency” plea and Amir A was convicted of sexual assault and rape. On appeal, Supreme Court President Thomas Philipp overturned the rape conviction on the grounds that “the fact that the  defendant did not have a fluidity with the German language supports an argument that he did not understand that the his struggling victim was objecting to the sexual encounter. The notion that the boy’s age or physical resistance would be adequate evidence of lack of consent unfairly imposes Western standards on a person from a non-western culture. It is my understanding that where Amir comes from violently subduing a child for the purposes of sexual gratification is an accepted practice.” Consequently, Philipp vacated Amir’s conviction “lest we make him a victim of rules he neither understands nor consents to.”

In related news, a Syrian refugee with four wives and 23 children has been receiving nearly $400,000 a year in welfare benefits. The migrant, whose name was withheld by the German government “to protect him from the wrath of outraged taxpayers,” maintains that the benefits are his due since “it is the obligation of unbelievers to pay the jizya to Muslims as commanded in the Quran if they don’t want to be killed.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

DNC Chair Assails Videos of Democrat Election Fraud

 JohnBy   John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

 The Democratic National Committee Chairperson Donna Brazile assailed videos from Project Veritas declaring that “these stolen tapes should not be permitted to be viewed by voters prior to the election. Posing as a Democratic Party intern for the purpose of secretly gathering inside information is just a lowdown dirty trick.

In a testy exchange with Fox News’ Meagan Kelly, the DNC replacement for the previously disgraced Rep. Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, who was forced to resign after leaked emails revealed that she was leading an effort to rig the Democratic nomination process to benefit Hillary Clinton, Brazile attempted to divert attention from the content of the video expose´ by asserting that the manner in which the evidence was obtained “renders it inadmissible” and predicted that “no prosecutor will ever bring charges against the Democratic Party.”

In the videos, Democratic “black ops” officials Scott Foval and Bob Creamer boasted of “paying mentally ill ‘street crazies’” to instigate violence at Trump campaign rallies and carting around bogus voters to cast multiple ballots “in states with weak voter ID laws.” Brazile contended that “the deception and betrayal of trust by Veritas’ phony volunteers goes beyond anything that we have previously seen. Campaign practices that have enjoyed 50 years of success are now threatened with neutralization by O’Keefe’s criminal trespass.”

Brazile also argued that “the emails stolen and published by Wikileaks are, as Secretary Clinton pointed out in the debate, a conspiracy by the Russians and Trump to undermine the November election. These emails were confidential communications. Their misappropriation by a foreign government is evidence of the threat to our democracy that Trump and his co-conspirators represent. No reputable news outlet will participate in repeating these lies to the American public.” She went on to forecast that “after she’s elected, President Clinton will most likely instruct her Attorney General to root out these enemies and put them out of commission.”

Ironically, in one of the leaked emails Brazile lamented “the despair of many Americans over the state of the economy. There are new jobs, but they are low-wage and part-time jobs. The economic stagnation that has hit this country puts President Obama, his policies, and his supporters in the Democratic Party in an extremely unflattering light that does not bode well for how voters may react when casting their ballots.”

In related news, the 69-year-old Sharon Teeter who claimed that Trump supporter 73-year-old Richard Campbell punched her in the face at a rally earlier this year now “remembers” that “he might have brushed me accidentally.” It seems that her memory was enhanced by her identification as a Democratic Party operative on the Veritas video of Foval calling her “one of our trained political activists.”

Administration Promises Saudis it Will “Fix” 9/11 Victims Law

Still smarting from a Congressional override of his veto of the Justice Against Sponsors of Terrorism Act, a law that allows victims of the 9/11 jihadi attack on the World Trade Center and Pentagon the right to sue foreign governments that aided the terrorists, President Obama has ordered Secretary of State John Kerry to work out a scheme with the government of Saudi Arabia to nullify the law.

In a meeting held this week, Kerry assured Saudi Foreign Minister Adel al-Jubeir that “we will figure out how we can adjust the law in a way that is mutually satisfactory to both our governments.”

Al-Jubeir warned that “numerous countries are looking at reciprocal measures to retaliate against this affront to Islam. If the Americans think that the alleged puny assistance my country may or may not have provided to the 9/11 attackers warrants this disproportionate response just let me remind them that there is much much more we could’ve done or might do in the future to make their lives miserable.”

The implied threat that Saudi Arabia might join the ranks of those Islamic nations openly financing terrorists moved Kerry to contend that “a compromise is essential if we are to avert a blood bath we are not prepared to rebuff. The wiser course is to accept the lesser evil of the ‘pin-prick’ attacks that we have seen since 9/11 than to provoke the enmity of our long-time Saudi allies.”

Madonna Makes an Offer

Included in her introduction of comedian Amy Schumer at a New York City performance, pop star Madonna told the audience that “if you vote for Hillary Clinton, I will give you a blow job.” It was not clear whether this was an inducement or a threat.

Audience member Richard Long of Queens found the prospect appealing. “Madonna said she’s not a douche and that she swallows,” Long pointed out. “That’s classy. Hillary’s got my vote.”

In contrast, audience member Anne Chester of Manhattan wondered “whether this is the kind of thing a Clinton supporter ought to be saying. Look at all the trouble Trump got himself into for his lewd talk. I mean, blow jobs from Monica are what got President Clinton impeached. It makes you wonder which side is more tawdry.”

For her part, Schumer saw the offer as “f*cking fantastic” and predicted that “there’ll be a stampede of guys who were going to vote for Trump racing to get in line for their turn to be serviced by a true artist.”

Obamacare in “Transition Phase”

Health insurance premium hikes and dwindling service alternatives under the Affordable Care Act were described by President Obama as “a transition phase of the program.”

Right now a lot of people are whining about having to pay more or having no choice of doctors or plans where they live,” Obama remarked. “All of these complaints originate from a selfish individual perspective. Sure, some isolated individuals may have to pay more and get less, but in the more crucial issue of our progress toward collective social justice we are on track.”

Before Obamacare, annual family premiums for employer-provided coverage cost an average of $13,000. This year those premiums are $18,000. For next year the already over-priced health plans mandated by the ACA have been authorized to jack up payments the insured must bear by 20% to 90% in various locations around the country. On top of these boosted prices, typical $5,000 annual deductibles result in most basically healthy individuals essentially getting zero benefits.

Meanwhile, the President’s unilateral and unauthorized multi-billion dollar bailouts of selected health insurance companies have not been sufficient to prevent a continued cascade of exits from the market by these companies. The resulting decline of options has been characterized as “a simplification that has spared many the difficult task of evaluating medical services that are really beyond their competence to evaluate,” said Secretary of Health and Human Services Sylvia Burwell. “Few are qualified to to assess what they need and how to get it. By pealing off the excess suppliers the ACA has lightened the burden of choosing for millions.”

Despite the unfavorable trends overtaking the ACA, presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has vowed “to make it better.” One of her proposed improvements is to make illegal aliens eligible for enrollment in the program. “Right now there are 30 million individuals living in the shadows because of their undefined immigration status,” she declared. “Making them eligible for health care is the humane thing to do.” The financial problems will be overcome “by the injection of money” obtained from “increased taxes on those who can afford it.”

In other health news, a Democratic National Committee tour bus was caught illegally dumping human waste from its on-board toilet onto a Lawrenceville, Georgia street this week. The DNC issued an apology for what it claimed was “an honest mistake. We had no idea that dumping hazardous waste onto a street could be illegal.”

Libertarian Bewails “Double Standard”

Libertarian presidential candidate and former New Mexico Governor Gary Johnson complained about the media’s “double standard” after they ignored Hillary Clinton’s geographic inaccuracy regarding Mosul while lampooning him as “an ignorant dope” when he failed to recognize “Aleppo.”

I wasn’t Secretary of State for four years like Hillary was,” he pointed out. “I was peacefully minding my own business. Why should I be expected to know such minutia? But she is the one who supposed to be the world’s smartest woman. She is the one who never ceases to remind us that she’s got 30 years of experience in government. If she’s so smart and experienced why doesn’t she know where Mosul is?”

MCNBC interviewer Mike Barnicle, who ambushed Johnson with the Aleppo question back in September defended the double standard saying that “Hillary Clinton’s bona fidesare not in dispute. She has already been thoroughly vetted by every major news outlet. We are confident that she knows what she is talking about even if she messes up. Johnson or Trump, on the other hand are the outsiders whose suitability for governing is questioned by every reputable source. Consequently, every misstep by these guys warrants our skepticism.”

In related news, President Obama forgave Hillary for revealing classified information on nuclear response times during her debate with Donald Trump Wednesday night. “These ‘senior moments’ are something that anyone of her age might experience,” he said. “I’m confident there was no intent to illegally divulge this information. Besides, even if our adversaries are aware that it takes four minutes to initiate a retaliatory nuclear strike I don’t see what advantage they’d gain by having that knowledge. So I forgive her and urge voters to make her our next president.”

Hillary “Horrified” by Trump’s Abortion Comments

At this week’s debate, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton professed herself “horrified” by GOP rival Donald Trump’s denunciation of partial-birth abortions as “ripping babies out of the womb” and criticizing the practice as “terrible” and “unacceptable.”

Granted, the elimination of these near term fetuses is a gruesome procedure,” she admitted. “But what’s more gruesome is Trump’s attempt to use these tragic medical interventions as a scare tactic to overturn the rights established by Roe v. Wade. For too long state legislatures across the country unfairly prohibited or restricted a woman’s right to an abortion. Fortunately, in 1973 the Supreme Court courageously stepped in to overrule these states. They didn’t let rigid adherence to out-dated notions of separation of powers deter them from voiding clearly unjust legislation.”

Trump found fault with Clinton’s position and averred that “the role of the Court is to enforce the Constitution and laws made legislatures. It is not authorized to make new laws if it is dissatisfied with what the people’s elected representatives have done.” Trump pledged that he would appoint judges who “will be pro-life,” “have a conservative bent,” and “interpret the constitution the way the founders wanted it interpreted.”

Clinton rebutted Trump’s position by pointing out that “the number of individuals harmed by partial-birth abortions is tiny compared to the millions of women who have benefited from the Court’s reinterpretation. Rather than try to rehash this issue it is time that we all adjust to the fact that the right to an abortion is now settled law and move forward instead of backward.”

In related debate news, Hillary defended using her role as Secretary of State to enrich herself, her husband, and the Clinton Foundation, insisting that “everything I did as secretary of state was in furtherance of our country’s interests and our values. That I and my family have prospered while I was doing that is what I would call ‘collateral benefits.’ I see no harm that it was a ‘win-win’ outcome.”

Media Assails Trump’s “Wait and See” Stance on Election

The broadcast news “talking heads” went into hysterics following Republican presidential contender Donald Trump’s refusal to automatically concede on election night if it looks like the votes go against him. On CNN, the commentators proclaimed Trump’s stance “a threat to our democracy.” All professed to have never heard such a statement at any previous presidential debate. Which is true because no other candidate was ever asked this question.

Whether Trump might have good reason to wait until he sees the election results for himself seems to be supported by several facts. On the one hand, there have been a number of pieces of evidence suggesting that fraud may play a significant role in deciding the outcome. The Wikileaks’ publication of DNC emails that detailed how the Democratic Party leadership rigged the primaries against Bernie Sanders is a veritable “smoking gun” from the current election cycle. The Veritas videos exposing DNC-financed efforts to commit fraud also make a compelling case for scrutinizing the returns.

On the other hand, there seems to be an ample opportunity to perpetrate fraud given the large number of invalid names on voter rolls. Nearly two million deceased persons are still registered to vote. Nearly three million persons are registered to vote in more than one state. Then there’s Clinton campaign chairman John Podesta’s suggestion that non-citizens could use state-issued driver’s licenses to register and vote. And leftist judges have voided state efforts to adopt voter ID requirements virtually everywhere except Indiana, where Democratic dirty tricks expert Scott Foval says “it’s easy to cheat.”

The same media that castigates Trump’s reluctance to simply accept the November media-reported outcome as final hypocritically defended 2000 Democratic presidential candidate Vice-President Al Gore’s refusal to accept the reported outcome on election day. Instead, he embarked on a legal challenge that took over a month to resolve.

President Obama tried to put it all into perspective by characterizing Trump’s objections as “whining. Nothing different is going on now. Every other Republican has accepted the verdict on election day, even though GOP complaints about election shenanigans have always been part of the rhetoric. His inability to take it like a man is further proof of his unfitness. I’m not surprised that genuine Republicans have universally condemned Trump’s caterwauling and sought to distance themselves from him.”

Whether Obama should have any credibility on this issue is in serious doubt. Bob Creamer, one of the architects of the long-running election fraud scheme uncovered by Project Veritas, visited the Obama White House more than 300 times and met with the President more than 40 times. However, Press Secretary Josh Earnest discounted the significance of these meetings because “the President is not the kind of person who would condone the kind of ‘dirty tricks’ of which Mr. Creamer is accused.”

In related news, Ohio Governor John Kasich (R) called Trump’s fear that the election could be rigged “ridiculous. My good friend George Soros’ company owns about half of the voting machines that will be used and he assures me that the election will be fair.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.





Clinton Campaign Calls Wikileaks ‘Violation of Constitutional Rights’

y  John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnThe flood of emails obtained from Clinton confidants detailing repeated instances of illegal, dishonest, and despicable behavior has provoked a howl of protest from the Clinton for President campaign.

“Lest anyone forget, let me remind them that these emails were purloined surreptitiously and illegally,” campaign manager Robby Mook complained. “By invading the privacy of people actively supporting Secretary Clinton’s election they have been forced to unwillingly testify against themselves. This compelled testimony is as flagrant a violation of the Constitution’s guarantee against self-incrimination as we have ever seen in a political campaign in our nation’s history.”

Among the revelations contained in the Wikileaks’ document release were emails disclosing that Hillary herself was the one who deleted the missing 33,000 work-related emails, that Phillipe Reines, then Senior Adviser to Secretary of State Hillary Clinton suggested ways of obstructing the handing over the emails that had been subpoenaed, and that Clinton campaign spokesman Brian Fallon was receiving illegal inside information on the Department of Justice investigation of Hillary’s email security breaches.

Mook likened the Wikileaks operation to “the illegal wiretaps that police sometimes tried to use against suspected members of organized crime. The courts have always tossed this kind of evidence and we are fully confident that they will toss any emails obtained without the writers’ freely given consent if this matter ever goes to trial, which is something I doubt President Obama would allow.”

In the meantime, Mook expressed gratitude that “the nation’s major media outlets have pretty effectively tossed the Wikileaks garbage out of the ‘court of public opinion.’ They realize that there is no need to get voters stirred up over events that should have no bearing on the upcoming election. What’s done is done. The bigger issue is whether this country will permit a person as unfit as Donald Trump to become president.”

Interestingly, a significant number of the emails exposed by Wikileaks revealed a close coordination between the Clinton campaign and the supposedly “objective” media. Nevertheless, Mook brushed this aside as “irrelevant,” claiming that “it should be no mystery that those who believe in truth and justice would share a common interest in determining who should run the government.”

In related news, another email exposed by Wikileaks showed former Clinton administration official Bill Ivey advising Clinton campaign chairman John Podesta to “conspire to produce an unaware and compliant citizenry,” but warned that “the unawareness remains strong, but compliance is fading rapidly. This problem demands some serious thinking and demographically-inspired messaging.”

Wikileaks Exposes Democrats’ Disdain for Catholicism, Latinos & Blacks

One of the latest batches of emails made public by Wikileaks revealed that key Clinton supporters have expressed low opinions of Catholic doctrines. Clinton campaign communications director Jennifer Palmieri labeled them “backwards.” Center for American Progress (a public policy advocacy organization founded by Hillary Clinton’s 2016 Campaign Director John Podesta) senior fellow John Halpin called conservative interpretations of the religion “an amazing bastardization of the faith.” And Podesta has been working with billionaire financier of left-wing causes George Soros to promote a “Catholic Spring” modeled on the “Arab Spring” that has successfully replaced the secular government of Egypt with jihadi fanatics.

Julie Roginsky, a Democratic strategist, appeared on Fox News to defend the disdain, saying that “reform of the Catholic Church is long overdue. The majority of Catholics disagree with the hierarchy’s positions on abortion and same-sex marriage. Why shouldn’t the Democratic Party assist this majority to throw off the shackles of an erroneous dogma and rewrite beliefs using a majority rule approach?”

Roginsky hailed the Obama Administration’s progress “in breaking down out-dated thinking that would bar the government from funding pregnancy termination services that benefit women of all faiths. Churches must not be allowed to refuse to participate. Religious rigidity must yield to social justice. We have elections to select those who govern us. These elections give moral weight to the policies that are decreed by the government. It is everyone’s obligation to submit to the rules laid down by the president and the courts.”

“There is no downside for the Democratic Party from these Wikileaks disclosures,” Roginsky insisted. “First of all, few people will see or hear of the comments made in these emails. Second, whatever scraps of information do sneak through will be filtered and interpreted by our allies in the media. Finally, polls show that the majority of Catholics are with us on this. So, I think that’ll be game, set, and match for Hillary Clinton and the entire Democratic slate up and down the ballot.”

Another Podesta email lamented the necessity of having to deal with “needy Latinos. All we want are their votes, not their policy ideas. Hillary knows how to govern. These amateurs need to play the role we’ve already laid out for them.” Podesta also took a swipe at blacks calling them “never-do-wells who fare badly almost irrespective of circumstances. Luckily, they appreciate that while Democrats have sawed off the lower rungs of the ladder to success they see that we have enacted the welfare benefits that allow them to survive.”

CNN Irked at Chant

In a post-debate campaign rally GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump continued his charges of media bias by referencing the three-on-one (two moderators and Hillary Clinton vs. Trump) format of the Sunday night face-off. The crowd began chanting “CNN sucks,” much to the dismay of a few CNN “talking heads,” including Chris Cuomo, Alisyn Camerota, Brian Stelter, and Bill Carter.

Cuomo characterized the crowd response as “dangerous and unprecedented. We haven’t treated Trump any differently than any other Republican nominee. All of them—Romney, McCain, Bush—took it in stride without complaining. That Trump would make an issue out of it shows his political naivete.”

Stelter agreed saying, “this is much worse than what we’ve seen in the past. I mean, it’s not as bad as the mobs that have burned down buildings and assaulted people after cops have shot another unarmed black man, but, jeez, these are Republicans. They’re supposed to have self control.”

Camerota found “the disrespect for reporters intolerable. We are the eyes and ears of America. We bring the news into everyone’s home. Impugning our integrity as Trump has so wantonly done undermines the public’s faith in the accuracy of our reports. And as you’ve said, Chris, no Republican before Trump has ventured into this uncharted and dangerous territory.”

“You’re right Alisyn, we are the ‘fourth estate,” Cuomo asserted. “Trump’s irresponsible attack on our objectivity threatens the very foundation upon which our way of life depends. Something bad is going to happen and it will be all his fault.”

RAF Has “Green Light” to Fire on Russian Jets

The risky nature of the United States’ entanglement in the Syrian civil war ratcheted up a notch when pilots of our NATO ally, the United Kingdom, were given the okay to shoot down Russian fighter aircraft if they feel threatened by them.

Current Secretary of State John Kerry and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton have both spoken of the “need to confront Russia” in Syria. At last Sunday’s presidential debate Clinton contrasted her strong stance in support of a “no fly zone” in Syria with presidential rival Donald Trump’s “cowardly preference for avoiding the steps necessary to counter this nation’s chief adversary.”

For his part, Trump questioned the logic of the US policy in the region. In his view the main adversary is ISIS. He went on to suggest that the United States and Russia joining as allies to fight these terrorists might be the more sensible course of action. “I know that our two countries have had differences,” Trump said. “We may not see eye to eye on some things, but Russia seems civilized compared to the Islamic terrorists who bomb innocent civilians, behead hostages, stone women who object to being raped, and throw homosexuals off of high rise buildings.”

This weekend President Obama and his top foreign policy advisers have scheduled a meeting to discuss options for dealing with the Syrian military crisis. One option entails US bombing of Syrian military deployments. The downside of exercising this option is the co-mingling of Russian and Syrian forces in the target zone. “No one likes the optics of US planes bombing Russian troops,” said a source requesting anonymity. “It would be orders of magnitude worse than the Cuban missile crisis that almost led to nuclear war in 1962.” Clearer heads are said to be favoring providing more weapons to the al-Qaeda forces opposing the Assad regime that governs Syria.

As if this weren’t unsettling enough, the US Air Force has been practicing simulated nuclear bomb missions in the Nevada desert. In one test run B-2 bombers dropped a pair of dummy 700-pound warheads. Over at Langley, the CIA is prepping a covert cyber attack designed to harass and embarrass the Russian government.

Meanwhile, Russia has ordered relatives of government officials living abroad to return home. “This is all part of the package of measures to prepare elites for some big war,” said Russian political analyst Stanislav Belkovsky.

Former Soviet Union leader Mikhail Gorbachev concurred, “I think the world has reached a dangerous point. I don’t want to give any concrete prescriptions, but I do want to say that this needs to stop. It is necessary to return to the main priorities. These are nuclear disarmament, the fight against terrorism, and the prevention of an environmental disaster.”

Green Party presidential candidate Jill Stein found the deteriorating situation “ominous. We may be closer to nuclear war than ever. That the Obama Administration and the Clinton campaign appear ready to escalate further is pure insanity. Though it pains me to say it, after watching the latest debate, it looks like Trump was the one with his head on straight on this issue.”

In related news, it appears that the $1.7 billion in ransom paid to Iran for the release of four hostages earlier this year was used to fund the missiles used by an Iranian-backed terror cell in Yemen to attack a U.S. Navy ship in the Red Sea this week. Press Secretary Josh Earnest maintained that “there’s no way to tell whether is was the same money or not. But even if it was, Iran is a sovereign nation and has every right to spend its resources as it deems best for its people.”

Clinton Boasts of Diverting Funds from Terrorists

In one of the Clinton emails Wikileaks published this week former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton acknowledged that American “allies Qatar and Saudi Arabia are providing clandestine financial and logistic support to ISIL (ISIS) and other radical Sunni groups in the region.”

Qatar and Saudi Arabia have also been very generous to the Clintons. Back in August they each ponied up a million dollars as a birthday present for former President Bill Clinton. Far from being embarrassed, Clinton boasted that “this represents $2 million that was diverted from funding terrorists. I challenge Trump to prove he has diverted a single cent from going to terrorists.”

The birthday gift isn’t the only generosity displayed by the Clintons’ Middle Eastern friends. After receiving a $10 million donation to the Clinton Foundation from Saudi Arabia in 2011, Hillary Clinton approved a $29 billion sale of advanced fighter jets to that nation.

While the sale to the Saudis was the single biggest sale, it wasn’t the only one she approved under questionable circumstances. In total she authorized over $160 billion in sales to Middle Eastern countries that her own State Department had criticized for human rights abuses, corruption, and aiding terrorists. The only saving grace was that these countries had donated a total of more than $50 million to the Clinton Foundation.

One supposes that “diverting” $50 million from being handed over to terrorists is a good thing. But perhaps arming the nations that help sponsor terror with $160 billion in the latest weapons is not a good thing.

More Democrat Election Fraud

In two new undercover videos obtained by Project Veritas Democratic Party workers openly talked about “dirty tricks.”

In Florida, Wylie Mao, a field organizer for the Clinton campaign said that ripping up registration forms from Republicans would be “cool strategy. It works on several levels. Every Republican we sign up can be completely neutralized as a voting threat. He thinks we’ve turned in his registration form. So he doesn’t go and register with the County Recorder on his own. He tootles along until election day when he tries to vote. Since his name isn’t on the official list the best he can do is cast a ‘provisional ballot’ that will later be discarded. It’s another win for the good guys.”

In New York, Alan Schulkin, the New York Democratic commissioner of the Board of Elections, confirmed that  vote fraud “is organized and widespread. Party workers will load up buses with volunteers who will be driven to different precincts to cast the ballots of people registered but not voting because they are dead or no longer living in the area.” Schulkin disapproved of the fraud and blamed it on “Mayor DeBlasio’s edict to issue non-verifiable ID cards to any person who asks for one. There’s no vetting of any of these people. Anyone can get as many ID cards for as many different identities as he wants. I think this effectively eliminates an honest election in this city.”

In related news, a leaked strategy memo from the Pennsylvania Democratic Party outlined the activities of a “Black Pod” operation. The activities include stealing Trump/Pence yard signs, posting Clinton/Kaine signs without the homeowner’s consent, and vandalizing cars that have Trump bumper stickers “to create a psychological climate unfavorable to such displays.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.


Clintons Mock Trump’s Lewd Conversation from 2005

By  John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnA Washington Post story about a lewd conversation between Donald Trump and Billy Bush of “Access Hollywood” in 2005 was viewed with scorn and derision by both Bill and Hillary Clinton.

Bill homed in on Trump’s description of his attempt to seduce a woman by offering to buy her furniture. “What kind of a loser has to stoop so low to garner the attentions of aB?” he asked. “On top of that Trump admits that he failed to achieve his objective. Kissinger was the one who had it right—power is the ultimate aphrodisiac. Maybe if Trump had been a governor or president he would’ve had better luck.”

Hillary cited the crude talk as “further proof of his unfitness to be president. Anyone who’s view of women is so crass and disrespectful doesn’t belong in the Oval Office.” Hillary dismissed suggestions that Trump’s attitudes might resemble her husband’s, saying “for the record, Bill has neither been convicted or even indicted for inappropriate behavior toward women,” and alleged that “the women who accused him have all been discredited. That’s why you won’t see the media repeating their lies.”

There might be some technical validity to Hillary’s contentions. After all, Bill was never indicted. He was impeached by the House of Representatives for perjury rather than for inappropriate behavior toward women. Though he was not convicted by the Senate he was stripped of his license to practice law. And the mainstream media, which has openly veered from journalistic ethics to try to ensure another Clinton presidency, has steadfastly neglected to pursue the testimony of the many women claiming they were physically molested, or worse, by Bill.

Sen. Claire McCaskill (D-Mo) defended the Clintons, claiming that “the good they both have done on the political front for women by ensuring that abortions remain freely available outweighs whatever either of them may have done to harm them on a more personal level. Even the high estimates of the number of women fondled or assaulted by Bill and the number whose reputations were smeared by Hillary only amounts to a few dozen individuals. Against this small negative number millions of women have been aided in terminating unwanted pregnancies thanks to the tireless efforts of the Clintons against those seeking to limit this vital women’s right.”

To date, the worst that can be said of Trump his that his words have sometimes been unkind toward women. No women have come forward with anything stronger than to say “he called me fat” or “he said I was ugly.” The question is whether Trump’s words are worse than Bill’s actions or Hillary’s efforts to trash the reputations of his accusers. Perhaps voters will render a verdict on this come November.

Will the US Go to War with Russia over Syria?

Tensions surrounding the war-torn nation of Syria ratcheted up this week with Secretary of State John Kerry charging Russia with war crimes, Russia threatening to shoot down US planes that attack its Syrian government ally, and US Army Chief of Staff General Mark Milley boasting to the Russians that “we will beat you harder than you have ever been beaten before.”

On one side we have the Russians and the murderous Assad regime. On the other side we have the bumbling Obama Administration and its confusing alliance with anti-Assad jihadis. The unanswered question is whether the issue of which side wins is worthy of a war with Russia. Secretary Kerry seems to think it is.

I’ve argued for the use of force in Syria,” Kerry said. “The war crimes being committed by Russia and Syria are reminiscent of those committed by the Nazis and Japs in World War II. We didn’t back away from the challenge then even though the cost in lives and money were substantial. Humanity demands that we not back away now.”

Kerry went on to argue that “the possibility that Donald Trump might win the upcoming election makes it more imperative that action be initiated before he gains the power to block it. From his public remarks about NATO, Putin, and the Cold War it is clear that he is outside the consensus of decades worth of thinking on these matters. The notion that the United States might live on friendly terms with Russia or even become allies with them against an imagined Islamic threat is the opposite of what the Obama Administration stands for. It mustn’t be allowed to happen.”

In related news, the US Department of Justice decided to drop its case against Marc Turi for illegally trafficking in weapons when it discovered that Turi’s sale of armaments to jihadi terrorists in Libya was part of a scheme originated by the State Department during the tenure of Secretary Hillary Clinton. Attorney General Loretta Lynch apologized for persecuting Turi and wasting everyone’s time, saying that “if we had known that Mr. Turi had documentary evidence backing up his claim to have been working on behalf of the State Department we’d have never moved against him. We are closing the books on this case and regret any embarrassment it may have caused any of those involved.”

Court Rules States Cannot Reject Refugees

Judge Richard Posner, writing for the three-judge panel of the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Seventh Circuit, ruled that “governors have no authority to reject Syrian refugees being sent to their states. Neither do mayors, landlords, or homeowners have the right to block the placement of refugees in their towns, buildings, or households if that is what the President determines is in the best interest of the country. The idea that any of these other parties can refuse to cooperate in the refugee relocation program just because they deem it dangerous is not supported by law or the Constitution.”

In support of the court’s decision Posner characterized the risks accompanying the importation of refugees from areas infested with Islamic terrorists as “low. In the last year there have been only 62 attacks mounted by jihadis in America. Only 64 people have been killed. In comparison, 16,000 people were murdered by non-jihadis during the same time period. Likewise, there were 35,000 traffic fatalities in this time frame. So, in terms of the odds for meeting a violent death, letting a few terrorists into a state or city will make little difference.”

Clinton campaign spokesman Robby Mook hailed the court’s ruling as “a vindication of Secretary Clinton’s proposal to boost the importation of Syrian refugees by 500% if she’s elected president. For Trump to try to parlay the tiny increase in danger into a winning campaign issue is futile. We’re confident that voters will see through his scare mongering and accept the minor hike in their daily risk as a price they’re willing to pay to have the most qualified person ever to seek the presidency as their new Commander-in-Chief.”

Voter “Irregularities” Popping Up Across the Nation

As election day grows nearer reports of voter irregularities are surfacing in numerous locations around the country.

In Texas, the Attorney General’s Office is investigating a vote-harvesting scheme involving as many as 20,000 bogus ballots in Tarrant County. The vote harvesting scheme entails Democratic Party operatives “helping” the elderly, mentally incapacitated, and the economically disadvantaged fill out their ballots, if not actually forging signatures and manufacturing non-existent voters.

In Philadelphia, a spot check by Joseph Vanderhulst, an attorney with the Public Interest Legal Foundation, found that 86 non-citizens have been registered to vote for years with half of them casting ballots in at least one election. City officials explained that “if the citizenship box on the welfare application form is blank we go ahead and register them to vote just to be on the safe side.” Oddly, 59 applicants with blank citizenship boxes were registered as Democrats, 21 as independents, and 6 as Republicans—ratios officials claim “are proportionate to legally registered voters in the City.”

In Indiana, an investigation of voter registration fraud has been extended to 56 different counties. The inquiry was sparked by a discovery that “the Indiana Voter Registration Project was altering already registered voter’s information and changing the voter’s address to an address not associated with the voter without the voter’s knowledge or consent,” Secretary of State Connie Lawson said in a statement. Craig Varoga released a statement on behalf of the Indiana Voter Registration Project calling the investigation “a racist attempt to disenfranchise 45,000 African-Americans.” Lawson called the charge “outrageous. We don’t ask for race or ethnicity on our voter registration applications. There’s no way we could single out anyone for racial reasons.”

In Ohio, an electrician stumbled across a dozen black, sealed ballot boxes filled with thousands of Franklin County ballots with votes for Hillary Clinton and other Democrat candidates already filled in. Since early voting in Ohio doesn’t start until October 12 these ballots can’t be genuine. Why they would be hidden in a basement electrical closet seems suspicious.

In Virginia, a sampling of eight localities found more than 1,000 non-citizens registered to vote. The sampling was undertaken when the Virginia Voters Alliance noticed that the northern Virginia city of Alexandria had more people registered to vote than eligible voters who lived there. Gov. Terry McAuliffe (D) responded by ordering officials in other Virginia localities to ignore any further requests from the Virginia Voters Alliance for voter registration information.

In Connecticut, State Rep. Christina Ayala (D-Bridgeport) was arrested for voting in 19 in local and state elections in districts where she she did not live. The Elections Enforcement Commission also recommended criminal charges be filed against her mother Santa Ayala, the Democratic registrar of voters in Bridgeport.

In related news, First Lady Michelle Obama delivered a fiery speech In North Carolina urging voters to elect Hillary Clinton because “we need someone who’s honest and plays by the rules as our next president.” Half the audience laughed. The other half audibly gasped.

Clinton Wins Straw Ballot at San Quentin Prison

In what was billed as a preview of a newly passed California law that will permit imprisoned felons to vote for real next year, a limited trial run was conducted by the inmate-run newspaper at San Quentin State Prison this week. The inmates were given an opportunity to vote for president of the United States and on Proposition 62, which would outlaw capital punishment.

Democrat Hillary Clinton won with 79% of the vote. Green Party candidate Jill Stein finished second with 11%. Donald Trump was third with 9%. Editor of the inmate paper Arnulfo Garcia speculated that “the results might reflect a greater feeling of comfort with the Democrat. On a personal level, many of the men I’ve talked to express an admiration for her ability to break the rules and elude consequences. On a political level, they feel that Democrats are more in sync with their values. Mrs. Clinton’s decision to side with Black Lives Matter in their battle with the police has won many over to her side.”

On Proposition 62, inmates voted 91% in favor of repealing the death penalty. Garcia observed that “from my discussions with inmates it seems that most of the so-called murders were really accidents. They hit a person harder than they intended, stabbed him more than they should have, or shot him out of nervousness. In other cases, the claim is that the victim brought it on himself by resisting, not following instructions in a timely manner, or just being a jerk who needed killing.”

Sponsor of the legislation Assembly Woman Shirley Weber (D-79th District) praised the mock election as “a promising glimpse of a bright future. It is long past the time when we ought to have recognized that criminals are also human beings and deserve the right to participate in the election of our government. They shouldn’t be slaves to laws created without their consent. Who knows, maybe if prisoners had been voting all along the crimes of which they were convicted wouldn’t have been crimes and they wouldn’t be in jail now.”

In related news, in this week’s vice-presidential debate Democratic candidate Sen. Tim Kaine (Va) pronounced his “most difficult moral dilemma as a Catholic when I was Governor was grappling with the death penalty.” He contrasted his personal opposition to “killing a real human being” with “Republicans’ obsession with denying women the right to control what comes out of their own bodies. There’s no proof that these partially formed biological masses are true human beings as we understand it.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

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