Bloomberg Defends Tax Hikes on the Poor

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Seeking to differentiate himself from what he derided as “the lunatics leading the pack of Democrats trying to become the next president by offering boatloads of free stuff,” former New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg pledged to “be the president that can unify America under my benevolent wing.”

“Consider the poor,” the former Mayor said. “They are poor because they make poor choices. We must ensure that poor choices are discouraged. The simplest way of doing this is to increase the cost by directly taxing poor choices. For example, sugary soft drinks are unhealthy. By slapping higher taxes on their consumption we make them less affordable and achieve the dual purpose of bringing in more revenue to the government and improving the health of the population.”

“I know I’ve been called a ‘nanny-stater’ for my views on this, but is that really a bad thing?” Bloomberg asked. “Wouldn’t most people benefit if they had a nanny to protect them from their own bad impulses? I’m the only candidate man enough to take on this role. I’m a father. I know how to mold children for their own good. I can do this for everyone in the country if given the chance.”

Rival Democratic hopeful Sen. Elizabeth Warren (Mass) called Bloomberg’s position “exactly wrong. The bad choices poor people make are far less damaging than the bad choices the rich make. The poor aren’t withholding money from those in need. It’s the greedy billionaires who deny the poor a fair share of the wealth they have hoarded for themselves. That is the bad choice we must rectify by expropriating the selfishly held wealth so the government can redistribute it to more deserving people.”

Harris Campaign Flailing

Kelly Mehlenbacher, former state operations director for the Sen. Kamala Harris campaign recently resigned citing “the poorest treatment of staff I have ever seen. A lot of talented people were misused and abused. There is no viable plan for winning.” Oddly, despite Harris’ disastrous leadership of her own campaign, Mehlenbacher illogically maintained in her resignation letter that “I still believe that Senator Harris is the strongest candidate to win in the General Election in 2020.”

Harris herself blames rival Democratic presidential hopeful Rep. Tulsi Gabbard (Hawaii) for the collapse of her polling numbers and the ensuing chaos of her campaign. During one of the debates Gabbard slammed Harris’ hypocrisy of indulging in marijuana use while prosecuting others—mainly minorities—for possessing and smoking the weed. Gabbard also exposed Harris’ pattern of prosecutorial misconduct in withholding exculpatory evidence that could have freed innocent men from prison.

Harris’ response to Gabbard’s criticism was to mock her “lower tier” status among the contenders. Ironically, following that debate Harris, once a self-described “top tier” candidate, plunged to the “lower tier” with only 4 percent of voters saying she is their choice for the nomination.

Judge Bars Requiring Would-be Immigrants to Have Health Insurance

Oregon U.S. Dist. Court Judge Michael Simon issued a nationwide injunction stopping the State Department from requiring foreign nationals to show they will be covered by health insurance within 30 days of entering the country before they can be granted a visa. The Judge rejected the Trump’s Administration’s assertion that the new rule is needed to alleviate the burden on US taxpayers of having to supply immigrants with health care.

“Inasmuch as it is the unanimous opinion of all right thinking individuals that free health care is a human right, we cannot allow Trump’s deviant minority viewpoint to overrule the majority,” Simon wrote in his decision. “Since one of the key motivations for immigrating to the United States is to claim a fair share of the global bounty available to this country’s residents, it would be unjust to deny them the benefit of the free health care that will be provided to all once the current Administration is removed from power.”

White House press secretary Stephanie Grisham pointed out that “Simon’s decision disregards federal law and violates a Supreme Court decision last year recognizing the president’s broad authority to impose such restrictions. We will be appealing his decision and expect that a higher court will obey last year’s Supreme Court ruling.”

Doug Rand, a former White House official under President Obama, chided the White House for being “fixated on the notion that immigrants aren’t entitled to US taxpayers’ resources. This notion was thoroughly debunked by President Obama. He established the principle that US taxpayers have no right to resist sharing their wealth with those less fortunate, especially foreigners.”

China Demands Reparations for Global Pollution

Zhao Yingmin, China’s Vice-Minister of Ecology and Environment, demanded that developed countries pay poor countries the $100 billion in reparations promised by the Paris Accord for the damages done by global pollution. The roster of proposed recipients of this $100 billion includes China. Ironically, China is currently spewing out more pollution than any other country.

The chance for China’s demands being met seem slim since the Trump Administration has withdrawn US participation in the Paris Accord. Nevertheless, Zhao denounced “this unilateral rejection of an agreement made by his predecessor,” labeled Trump’s action “a crime against humanity,” and called efforts to get his country to reduce its pollution “an infringement on our sovereignty.”

FBI Conspirator Boasts of Destroying the Republic

The more that is revealed about the deep state plotters against President Trump the more their loathsomeness is confirmed. We learned that in 2016 then FBI Special Agent Peter Strzok emailed his illicit paramour, FBI lawyer Lisa Page, to reassure her that the Agency had “an insurance policy” designed to undermine a Trump presidency. Then we learned that in January of 2017 Mark Zaid, the attorney for the “whistleblower” that sparked the House impeachment hearings against Trump, tweeted “the coup has begun.” This week, Kevin Clinesmith, the FBI lawyer accused of falsifying the FISA warrant used to authorize spying on the Trump campaign and presidency, texted “I have initiated the destruction of the Republic!” to his illicit paramour, FBI lawyer Sally Moyer.

While the participants in the covert action against the Trump campaign and presidency purport to be the “true patriots,” their electronic trail of words imparts a more sinister objective. Secret police meddling in an election and efforts to conduct a coup and destroy our republican form of government are the kinds of behavior we so justly objected to when carried out by goons in service to the communist dictatorships behind the Iron Curtain. Interestingly, their self-justifications are often couched in terms of “saving our democracy.” Remember, though, that the oppressive communist regimes routinely touted themselves as “people’s democratic republics.”

Head inquisitor of Congress’ anti-Trump efforts, Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif), brushed aside the sinister emails, tweets, and texts, insisting that “all they show is the noble intent of those in our intelligence agencies against a man representing the most serious threat in our nation’s history. Similar comments were made by our nation’s leaders during the fight to defeat the Nazis. They deserve our gratitude, not the kind of undeserved scrutiny that Trump and his fellow criminals are trying to inflict on them.”

Meanwhile, over in the Senate, self-professed “undecided and impartial prospective impeachment juror” Sen. Chris Coons (D-Del) says he “will carefully weigh the evidence,” but lamented “the disheartening lack of votes for conviction and removal of President Trump.” Coons contends that “the direct evidence quoting the President as refusing a ‘quid pro quo’ does not outweigh the testimony of the diplomatic witnesses who say that their perception was that a ‘quid pro quo’ was what they thought he wanted. The fact that 95% of the media agrees with this perception is, in my opinion, a pretty definitive demonstration of guilt.”

Buttigieg May Name Kaepernick as Running Mate

Now that he’s leading in the polls in Iowa and New Hampshire Democratic presidential contender South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg is reported to be mulling over possible running mates. Rumored front runner is former National Football League quarterback Colin Kaepernick.

“Kaepernick is a man of unrivaled courage,” Buttigieg said. “His willingness to kneel while thousands of others stood for the National Anthem was beyond brave. It cost him his job and millions of dollars. That’s a far higher price than any other protester has paid. I think voters who believe in justice would relish the opportunity to elect him as my vice-president.”

In an effort to curry favor with the Buttigieg campaign, Kaepernick, while participating in an Unthanksgiving Day celebration in San Francisco on Thursday, took the opportunity to blast the US Government for “stealing over 1.5 billion acres of land from the Indians. It’s time we evict all the non-indigenous inhabitants squatting on this stolen land and send them back where they came from.”

Nadler Invites Trump to Participate in Hearing

House Judiciary Committee Chairman Jerrold Nadler (D-NY) extended an invitation for President Trump to participate in his upcoming impeachment hearing.

“We will be following the same protocols that were used in Rep. Schiff’s hearing,” Nadler reminded. “Republicans may request that certain witnesses be asked to testify, but I will decide whether any specific witness will be called. Republicans will be allotted a limited amount of time to pose questions, but I will determine whether the witnesses will be permitted to respond. Republicans will be responsible for supplying the Committee members with donuts, but I will be in charge of how they are distributed.”

Mexico Warns Trump Not to Attack Drug Cartels

Mexico’s President Andres Manuel Lopez Obrador warned President Trump against taking military action against the vicious drug and human smuggling cartels that control the Mexican side of the United States’ southern border. “These cartels reside on our sovereign soil,” he pointed out. “Therefore, it is our prerogative to decide what to do about them.”

“The situation is more complicated than Mr. Trump’s simplistic observation that the cartels murder people,” Lopez said. “Generally, murder is a bad thing. On the other hand, these cartels bring a lot of US dollars into our country and that is a good thing. Trying to prevent the murders would be expensive and probably futile. Disrupting the positive cash flow could be devastating to our fragile economy.”

“We can never tolerate the presence of US troops inside our country, but we might be willing to allow President Trump to provide weapons and ammunition for our troops to fight the cartels if he will also agree to replace the lost cash flow with US dollars should we attain victory in this fight,” Lopez suggested.

Trump discounted the Mexican President’s suggestion, calling it “weak. I doubt his troops can be counted on for much. If the President is willing to tolerate the slaughter of men, women, and children because it might bring more cash in from America I don’t see him as a reliable partner in an effort to combat these terrorists. Any weapons we give them would probably end up in the hands of the cartels. Any money we give them would probably be stolen or embezzled. I think our best course will be to finish building the wall and to make sure it is manned by law enforcement and military personnel sufficient to deter or defeat any incursions by cartel thugs.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

New Dem Prez Candidate Triples Support in One Week

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

What some observers saw as a bad sign for his newly announced bid to become the Democratic Party’s 2020 presidential nominee, former Massachusetts Gov. Deval Patrick saw as “an encouraging start on the road to victory.”

While only two people showed up to hear him speak at Morehouse College in Atlanta, Patrick pointed out that “this is three times the number of supporters I had last week. If I can sustain this pace I’ll have more than three billion supporters by May of next year and be headed toward a landslide win in the 2020 election.”

Abortion Advocacy Becomes More Strident

Seeking to bolster his record as the most abortion-friendly candidate among those vying for the Democratic 2020 presidential nomination, Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vt) boasted that “my support for abortion has been 100% pure. Unlike some of my rivals, I have never wavered. Nevertheless, the trend in recent years has shown a decline in the rate at which expectant mothers have availed themselves of this option. If there’s ever a time in American history where the men of this country must stand with the women, this is the moment.”

“Considering the dire fate that climate change portends we must do everything in our power to strike at the root cause of environmental catastrophe—people,” Sanders asserted. “I think it’s time we all admit that abortion is more than a right. It is an obligation if we hope to save the planet. Until we can get laws passed to enforce this obligation it is up to the men who have impregnated the women to persuade them to abort the unnecessary augmentation of the population that can only worsen global environmental conditions.”

Not wanting to be totally outflanked, Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) called abortion “a human and an economic right. Having a baby places enormous burdens on a woman. Abortion provides a simple solution for averting these burdens. Any impediments to exercising this human right are immoral. If I become president, unlike Senator Sanders, I won’t wait for legislation or rely on men to persuade women to get abortions. I will issue an Executive Order codifying abortion as every woman’s unalienable human right.”

To emphasize her sincerity and determination, Warren announced an all-female “troika” will chair her presidential campaign. This troika will be consist of three congresswomen—Rep. Deb Haaland (D-NM), Rep. Katie Porter (D-Calif), and Rep Ayanna Pressley (D-Mass). “We are going to take this country back from the patriarchs that have ruined it and put in positions of power where they can right the wrongs of more than 10,000 years of human history,” Warren promised. “A sufficient number of sperm donors will be retained to ensure that future generations of women will be available to rule the world.”

Biden Defends Son’s Business Acumen

This week it was revealed that Rosemont Capital, an investment firm in which former Vice-President Joe Biden’s son Hunter is a partner, received $130 million of federal money as part of the Term Asset-Backed Securities Loan Facility (TALF) during the Obama Administration. Under this program the government lent as much as 90% of the money to buy risky bonds. If the investment turned a profit the borrowers benefited. If it didn’t the government agreed to absorb the loss. Rosemont Capital routed its profits through a subsidiary in the Cayman Islands—a move that allowed it to avoid paying US taxes.

The former Vice-President, a key advocate for the TALF program, cited the Rosemont deal “as further evidence of the business smarts of my son. The fact is, that a deal where you get to keep any profit and avoid any loss while dodging taxes is pure genius. I think this brilliance was what inspired Burisma to offer him a million dollars a year to serve on their board of directors. This further debunks Republican insinuations that the money he received was corruptly obtained.”

Rival candidate for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination Sen. Bernie Sanders disputed the “genius” interpretation floated by Biden. Instead he characterized the TALF program as “corporate welfare for large, greedy, reckless financial institutions. Every one of these transactions is outrageous.”

Candidate Vows “No Compromise”

Billionaire 2020 Democratic presidential candidate Tom Steyer says he will unify the nation behind his vision “without having to compromise with Republicans. I will be the president. Why should I compromise with the losers? They will cooperate with my policies or be completely shutout of government.”

“The notion that governing requires splitting the difference between contending parties is the kind of ‘deal making’ approach that Trump has inflicted on America,” Steyer maintained. “Why should we make deals with racists? If voters make the right choices across-the-board we’ll have Democrat majorities in the House and Senate as well as own the presidency. We won’t need to consider Republican views on any topic. If, by some freak chance, Republicans hold a majority in either the Senate or House I can govern by executive order, like President Obama learned he could do during his second term. He had the media behind him and I will too. There’ll be no stopping us from completing the transformation of America that he began.”

Schiff Says “Presumptions” Better than ”Eye Witness”

Though Republicans have denounced the so-called “evidence” the House impeachment hearings have produced as “hearsay” and “presumptions,” Committee Chairman Adam Schiff (D-Calif) claims that “hearsay and presumption are better than the direct evidence the Republicans insist is the only valid evidence.”

“Last week, Rep. Quigley pointed out how hearsay was superior to direct evidence,” Schiff recalled. “If we were to restrict ourselves to only direct evidence then Ambassador Sondland’s testimony that the direct words from Trump stating that he wanted nothing from Zelensky—no quid pro quo—would be inadequate to support a charge of bribery against Trump. But if we expand our scope to include the rumors, scuttlebutt, and presumptions being passed around among the individuals involved we have a mounting pile of proof.”

“If all the experts on Ukraine are reinforcing each individual’s presumptions by passing them on to each other we get a consensus that is more real than the verifiable facts,” Schiff argued. “A group that knows Trump is a crook is a better guide for action than the isolated testimony of an eye witness who says he’s not. We’re confident that voters will be with us on this.”

Pelosi Says Impeachment Will Correct Voters’ Error

With polls showing voters turning against impeachment, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) told fellow Democrats “that fact alone makes it even more imperative that we complete the job of removing Trump from office. We must reject the weak and dangerous suggestion to just let the voters decide whether to vote against letting him continue in office. I mean, do I have to remind you that we trusted voters to choose wisely in 2016. Well, we saw how that turned out.”

The speaker urged that “we ‘trail blaze’ a new process for selecting a president. In parliamentary systems like they have in most other democracies the chief executive is chosen by the party that has a majority in the legislature. This strikes me as a superior method. Rather than allow relatively ignorant voters to separately elect a president, why not have the better informed members of the legislature make the final determination? We can let voters cast ballots for whoever they like. If the House is satisfied with their choice no further action would be required. The election day results would stand. However, if the voters make an unsatisfactory choice, the House would impeach and remove the person chosen and schedule a new election.”

Pelosi rebuffed criticism that her proposed new process would be unwieldy or undemocratic, saying that “at first it might seem so, but I believe that eventually voters would learn to make better choices and relieve the House from having to undo poorly thought out choices like the one they made in 2016. In fact, by pledging to impeach Trump should the voters mistakenly reelect him in 2020 I think we will considerably accelerate the learning process.”

In related news, the House of Representatives reauthorized the Patriot Act in an emergency funding bill. All 230 Democrats voted for the measure—including waiving the normal 72-hour period that would have allowed representatives time to read the bill prior to voting. Pelosi justified the haste saying “the surveillance powers granted in the legislation are essential. Without them the FBI would not have been able to legally spy on Trump and his loathsome supporters. There must be no unsurveilled gaps going forward.”

Buttigieg Defends Outreach to Blacks

Polls have shown that Mayor Pete Buttigieg is having a hard time attracting minority voters. A Quinnipiac University survey found that he has the support of less than one percent of black voters—lower than rival candidate Marianne Williamson. Worse still, a photo on his website purporting to illustrate blacks who have backed his bid for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination is actually a photo of a Kenyan woman.

The mayor insists that he was “not trying to deceive anyone” and maintained that the photo in question “is more akin to that of a duck decoy. My hope was that by showing the photo of a black person among photos of claimed supporters I could attract other blacks to my pond, so to speak.” Of course, the fate of ducks who are duped by decoys is to be shot by hunters. Buttigieg swears that blacks who are enticed into his camp “will definitely not be shot. I want their money and their votes, not their lives.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Trump Rule on Heath Care Pricing Assailed

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

This week the the Trump Administration’s Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) announced new rules requiring insurers and hospitals to inform patients of the cost of 300 common procedures and tests before the patient agrees to undergo them.

Insurance companies and hospitals complain that the push for full disclosure goes too far. Democratic presidential candidate Massachusetts Sen. Elizabeth Warren agreed. “Consumers aren’t competent to decide which procedures or tests they need,” she contended. “Forcing providers to quote prices to them asks these simple people to make judgments they aren’t qualified to make. This is the exact opposite direction from where we should be headed on health care.”

“My plan for free health care for all will relieve individuals from having to make such decisions by consolidating all authority in the hands of federal administrators,” the Senator explained. “Experts will decide how the nation’s medical resources will be deployed. This will ensure that the collective welfare of society is the decisive factor in who receives what care. Persons determined to be of sufficient value to warrant treatment will get treatment without having to agonize over the cost. Those who don’t deserve treatment will be mercifully spared the trauma of having to weigh their options. They will be provided with palliative care or be offered an assisted suicide alternative.”

Warren went on to chide critics of her health care plan for “ignoring the inherent cost-saving that will ensue once all decisions are centralized in the United States like they are in other democratic socialist countries like Cuba and China. The era of selfishness in determining how goods and services are distributed in this country must come to an end. Trump’s new rules are incompatible with this objective and cannot be allowed.”

HHS Secretary Alex Azar called Warren’s plan, “a march toward health care tyranny. The genius of America’s system of capitalism is its empowerment of individuals to run their own lives. Government lacks the expertise, knowledge, and moral authority to suppress individual autonomy and replace it with collectivist regimentation. If we really care about good health the patient has to be in control.”

In related news, revelation that Warren’s tax proposals might, in some cases, result in tax rates higher than 100% of a person’s income failed to dent her enthusiasm for reform. “My opinion is that in such cases, my free health care for all should acquire even more fans and supporters. I mean, if taxes take more than you earn you’ll need government health care. I will see that you get it.”

Congress Told Killing Babies Is Moral

Colleen McNicholas, who performs abortions at the Reproductive Health Services Planned Parenthood center in St. Louis, told members of Congress during a hearing this week that “abortion is moral. Having a baby is a stressful experience. No woman should be forced to endure that experience if we have the means to save her from it. Abortion is that means. Implementing it is her right.”

Podcast host Allie Beth Stuckey called McNicholas’ argument “appalling. It’s like a professional hitman justifying murder as a legitimate service because it helps solve a problem for his customer. The ‘hits’ put on babies by abortionists like McNicholas are especially gruesome. These tiny humans are torn apart limb-by-limb. There are more humane and moral ways for women who don’t want to be mothers to avoid this cruel fate. They could refuse to have unprotected sex. The means to do so are inexpensive and widely available. If these means fail, the life of the child could be spared and his or her care could be undertaken by one of the many other women eager to volunteer for this role.”

McNicholas dismissed Stuckey’s stance as “detrimental in so many ways. She fails to appreciate the great inconveniences of having to obtain and use condoms or birth-control pills in advance of every amorous encounter or the terrifying ordeals of bearing a child. She also neglects to acknowledge that over 11,000 scientists have recommended a drastic reduction of the human population in order to save the planet from climate change. Aborting unwanted children is a relatively painless method for achieving this goal.”

Sanders’ Dubious Climate Plan

Now in fourth place among the Democrats vying for the Party’s 2020 presidential nomination, Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders hopes his $16 trillion plan to mitigate global warming will revive his flagging campaign. The gist of his plan is to expropriate private sector energy companies and use the ill-gotten gains to foster a government-owned alternative energy “ministry.” The target is to have 100% of the United States energy needs met from wind, solar, hydropower or geothermal energy by the year 2030.

Sanders rebuffed claims that the notorious inefficiency and ineffectiveness of government would undermine his plan, pointing out that “the expected shortfall in meeting demand is a feature, not a flaw, of the plan. We got into this climate mess by catering to unconstrained desires for comfort and mobility. The free market abetted these unreasonable demands by contriving schemes to increase supply and decrease costs. My plan will end this vicious circle. When supply is unavailable consumers will be compelled to cut back.”

Whether solar-powered high-speed rail or mass transit is even feasible seems a major drawback in Sanders’ attempt to reshape how Americans would live under his presidency. Sanders, though, remained unfazed, suggesting that “travelers could pack a snack or bring a magazine to read to deal with occasions when the trains or buses are slowed down by cloudy weather or darkness. People in other socialist countries have learned to be patient, I don’t see why Americans should fear they can’t adapt.”

Of course, Sanders’ advice to pack a snack is not without potential risk to the traveler. In San Francisco four City cops cuffed and arrested Steve Foster for the crime of eating a sandwich at a Bay Area Rapid Transit station. One of the arresting officers informed Foster that “it’s a violation of California law. I have the right to detain you. You’re going to jail.”

Dems Settle on “Bribery” in Impeachment Push

The initial failure of “quid pro quo” to generate a satisfactory narrative for impeachment within the ranks of voters inspired Democrat Party leaders to search for different terminology. The term they’ve settled on for now is “bribery.”

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) lamented that “our internal polls revealed that the Latin phrase ‘quid pro quo’ is too arcane for the average person to grasp. ‘Bribery,’ on the other hand is something even the most dense voter can understand—as we discovered from a bevy of focus groups. It has the added advantage of being one of the listed offenses in the Constitution for which a president can be impeached.”

A byproduct of this switch is that the “quid pro quo” former Vice-President Joe Biden has boasted about using to coerce the Ukraine government into firing the prosecutor who was investigating the company whose payroll his son Hunter was on is now okay. “Translated, ‘quid pro quo’ means ‘this for that,’” Pelosi observed. “That’s basically how the free market works. You perform a service for me, I give you money. The Republicans trying to use that simple trade to tar Biden and his son can now be seen as a big nothing. As the former Vice-President himself has pointed out, President Obama was fully on-board with the deal.”

While the word “bribery” may be music to Democrat ears, the absence of evidence that President Trump received or offered a bribe to Ukraine sounds a sour note. Unlike Biden, Trump did not threaten to withhold money from Ukraine. The military aid that was pending during a review of the newly elected Ukraine government was eventually paid. Meanwhile, the investigation of Ukraine’s involvement with the Clinton campaign’s efforts to smear Trump has been proceeding separately at the direction of Attorney General William Barr.

In related news, documents obtained from the Ukrainian General Prosecutor’s office show that millions of dollars were transferred into a fund jointly owned by Devon Archer, Former Secretary of State John Kerry, John Kerry Jr., Kerry’s stepson Christopher Heinz, and Hunter Biden—an arrangement that Joe Biden called “the kind of profit-making enterprise that any man would want for his son.”

“Hearsay Better than Direct Evidence”

While fans of the TV show Perry Mason are very familiar with the inadmissibility of “hearsay” testimony, Rep. Mike Quigley (D-Ill) asserted at the Schiff impeachment hearing that “hearsay can be much better evidence than direct evidence. Rather than being a collection of isolated facts, hearsay has the distinct advantage of having been vetted by the layers of people telling other people what they heard. This gives it the chance to gel into a coherent narrative in ways that direct evidence might not.”

“The most astounding aspect of what we’ve heard from Taylor, Kent, and Yovanovitch is that while none of them were among those listening in on Trump’s phone call to Zelensky they were in perfect agreement that there was something wrong with it,” Quigley said. “These witnesses have decades of experience in the US State Department. That experience has given them a unified vision of what our foreign policy should be and how Trump has deviated from that norm.”

“The great travesty in the case of Yovanovitch is that she was fired by Trump for trying to enforce normal foreign policy,” Quigley added. “It’s an unforgivable injustice for a career diplomat to be fired over a mere disagreement about foreign policy. Trump’s assertion that the policies she favored had been failing for years is only an opinion, not, in my mind, sufficient cause to remove her from office. We shouldn’t be surprised that she broke down in tears during her deposition seeing how badly she’s been treated.”

More astounding than the groupthink of the aforementioned long time bureaucrats was the admission under oath of both Kent and Yovanovitch that they had been briefed on the shady dealings of Burisma and Biden more than three years ago. Kent even went so far as to acknowledge that “further investigation into those dealings is warranted because we can’t have US tax dollars used in a way that fosters more corruption in Ukraine.”

Meanwhile, Committee Chairman Rep. Adam Schiff insisted that he doesn’t know the name of the so-called whistleblower whose hearsay-based accusations kicked off the impeachment hearings, but warned that “any Republicans who mention his name will be locked up in the House jail.”

Clinton Defends Snubbing Thatcher in Her Book

Despite becoming the United Kingdom’s first female Prime Minister, Margaret Thatcher received no appreciation from Hillary Clinton in her latest book: The Book of Gusty Women: Favorite Stories of Courage and Resilience. Asked about the snub, Clinton claimed that “Thatcher didn’t make the kind of positive difference that would have merited her inclusion in my book.”

“Let’s compare two simple statements,” Clinton suggested. “Thatcher once said ‘the problem with socialism is that you eventually run out of other people’s money.’ This exhibits a negativity toward social reform that discourages further expansion of government to meet the needs of the people. Besides, it isn’t a true statement. As long as there are other people there will be other people’s money that can be taken to do good. The Clinton Foundation is a prime example of doing good with other people’s money.”

“Let’s contrast her statement with my observation following our overthrow of the Gaddafi regime in Libya–‘we came, we saw, he died,’” Clinton said. “Notice my clever imitation of Caesar’s ‘I came, I saw, I conquered.’ Both were triumphant acclamations of accomplishment, not fallacious reasons for why something can’t be done like Thatcher gave. She didn’t belong in my book. I do, but I didn’t want to make the book about me. That’s not the kind of person I am.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Biden Says State Dept Emails Prove Son’s Value to Burisma

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Democratic presidential contender former Vice-President Joe Biden glommed onto recently revealed email correspondence within the US State Department during 2016 as “proof my son’s work on the Board of Directors for the Burisma company was not without value.”

“A lot of critics have been making a big deal about Hunter’s lack of experience in the energy business to assert that his presence on that company’s Board was unwarranted,” Biden recalled. “Now we see that after he got on the Board the U.S. State Department was ready to discuss ways to assist Burisma in its efforts to rebuff the Ukrainian government’s probe of its business practices. Clearly his connection to that company helped open some doors in DC. It even got so far that a deal for the State Department to co-sponsor an energy project with Burisma Holdings was hammered out. I say that makes Hunter’s monthly $50,000 stipend a wise investment by Burisma.”

Senators Ron Johnson (R-Wis) a Chuck Grassley (R-Iowa) had a different take on this recent revelation, calling it “a textbook demonstration of influence peddling. That Burisma wanted the Obama State Department to pressure the Ukrainian government into ignoring corruption allegations against the company is perfectly understandable. For this purpose, the ‘skill’ of being the US Vice-President’s son was highly valued and why his father was so forceful in his 2014 demand that the Ukrainian prosecutor investigating Burisma be fired.”

The former vice-president characterized the Senators’ complaints as “typical Republican elitism against working class people like Hunter and myself. We weren’t born into wealth like these representatives of the upper class were. We have to scratch and claw our way to the top. There was nothing wrong with my efforts to give my son a helping hand and nothing wrong with him earning a buck helping to improve the fortunes of the Burisma company in its troubles with the Ukrainian government.”

In related news, Joe Biden demanded that the priest who refused him communion at a Sunday Mass last week be fired. “Who does this guy think he is?” Biden asked. “I’ve had discussions with the Holy Father in Rome. He agrees with me that my support for tax-funded abortions shouldn’t bar me from receiving this sacrament. Any priest who’s out of step with the Pope has no business calling himself a Catholic or conducting services in a church.”

Schiff Defends Total Control Over Impeachment Hearings

House Intelligence Committee Chairman Adam Schiff (D-Calif.) defended procedural rules that grant him absolute control over which witnesses will be called and heard, saying “the fate of the nation is in my hands. I will not jeopardize its future by allowing Republicans to derail my hearings by attempting to inject irrelevant issues, witnesses, or questions into the mix.”

Rep. Devin Nunes (R-Calif.), the ranking Republican member of the committee, called Schiff’s stance “a blatant violation of due process. Speaker Pelosi’s contention that this procedure is fair because we are allowed to request that certain witnesses be permitted to testify is ludicrous if Schiff may reject these witnesses or the questions we might like to ask of any witnesses at his sole discretion. It is tantamount to granting a prosecutor total control to bar any defense witness or any cross-examination questions of his own witnesses. This is contrary to the fundamental principles of fairness in ascertaining the truth or lack thereof of any charges lodged against a person.”

Schiff dismissed Nunes’ objections as “improperly focused on the constitutional rights of the accused. The impeachment power is not bound by the normal procedures of jurisprudence. The 5th and 6th Amendments do not apply when the person charged is the President of the United States. The Constitution grants the House sole authority to determine whether the president is impeachable. All that is required is that a majority vote for impeachment. That majority has voted to give me unconstrained latitude in how I conduct the process. I will not be deterred by the whining of the minority.”

“Whistleblower” Lawyer Claims Coup Is Constitutional Right

It turns out that Mark Zaid, the attorney representing the purported “whistleblower” that launched this latest round of allegations against President Trump for his phone call to the Ukrainian president in July, sent out a Tweet in January of 2017 proclaiming “the coup has started” and “impeachment hearings next up.”

The most reasonable interpretation of this statement leads to a conclusion that Zaid and others were part of an effort to oust President Trump from office before Trump even had an opportunity to commit a high crime or misdemeanor and that, consequently, the impeachment currently underway is not based on any evidence of wrongdoing. Nevertheless, Zaid strongly asserted that “the right of the governed to engage in a coup to depose a sitting president is a constitutionally protected right. I call your attention to the 9th and 10th Amendments where it states that rights not expressly mentioned in the Constitution are retained by the people. Those of us trying to save the country from the depredations of Donald Trump are people using this retained right.”

“We are freedom fighters and must not be constrained by stodgy notions of due process,” Zaid argued. “We can’t have our hands tied by legalistic ideals while a tyrant’s rampage goes unresisted. Trump’s unfitness to rule was recognized by every true patriot long before he won the 2016 election. Heroes like Comey, Brennan, myself, and others deserve the support of the masses as we struggle against the usurper who was able to fool enough voters so he could steal the presidency from its rightful heir—Secretary Hillary Clinton.”

Judge Rules Against Conscientious Objectors to Abortion

President Trump’s restoration of an Executive Order from the Bush Administration that allowed individuals to refuse to participate in performing abortions was voided by Manhattan U.S. District Judge Paul Engelmayer this week. In his 147-page decision, the Judge found that “there is no legal foundation for a person to refuse to obey a state law mandating participation in an abortion procedure. If a state requires a licensed medical practitioner to perform an abortion or to assist in its performance there is no ‘right of conscience’ escape clause.”

Engelmayer rejected assertions that a patient in the 26 states that have laws barring any conscientious objections to abortion have access to thousands of licensed medical practitioners who willingly perform the procedure as “contrary to the law’s demand that every patient has the right to require any qualified practitioner to perform the procedure. Why should a patient be inconvenienced in any way in her pursuit of the inalienable right to abort her unwanted child? Saying she should have to make the effort to find a willing doctor is the sort of ‘cruel and unusual punishment’ prohibited by the 8th Amendment.”

The Judge’s decision was extended to apply to all states, not just the 26 states party to the case. “While these states have differing laws that permit ‘conscience rights’ these rights stand in opposition to the kind of universal standard sought by the 1973 Roe vs. Wade decision and codified by President Obama’s 2009 Executive Order requiring all licensed medical personnel everywhere to use their skills to assist any woman seeking an abortion anywhere in the United States.”

University Terrorized by Hateful Flyers

Students and faculty at Western Connecticut State University were sent into a state of shock and terror when anonymous flyers saying “it’s okay to be white” were found posted in various locations around the campus. University President John Clark has called for an investigation by the Danbury police, CT State Police, and the FBI, saying “this attack on our university community is the type of terrorist instigation that requires eternal vigilance.”

Clark rejected suggestions that he might be exaggerating the perceived threat, contending that “Hitler also started out small. He and a handful of fellow Nazis were initially scoffed at, but later built a tyranny that plunged the world into a war that took 50 million lives. We must make every effort to ensure that those responsible for this hateful message are caught and properly punished. I am fully committed to the absolutely necessary goal this does not happen again.”

Meanwhile, the campus chapter of Black Lives Matter is planning to counter the threat by posting flyers saying “it’s not OK to be white”–an effort that Clark hailed as “an admirable demonstration of constructive independent action against bigotry.”

Va Gov Vows Gun Controls

Buoyed by Democrats winning majorities in both houses of the state legislature, Gov. Ralph Northam promised to “immediately get to work on serious gun control legislation now that Republican obstructionists have been ousted by the voters.”

A top priority target is removing so-called assault rifles from private hands. “If you listen carefully to the 2nd Amendment lobbyists’ arguments about these weapons it’s clear that their intent is to arm citizens who might object to government policies,” Northam observed. “They’re not arguing for the rights of hunters or sportsmen. They’re saying that the people ought to be armed as a guard against an oppressive government. Well, the election of a fully Democratic government disposes of this argument. Democrats are the guardians of the people’s rights. They have no need for weapons that might be used to interfere with our governance.”

In related news, in the People’s Republic of Venezuela, government “death squads” have killed over 800 opponents of the ruling regime. An example of a typical operation earlier this year saw Luis Ariza be pulled from his home and summarily executed in the street. In 2017, Ariza was arrested at an anti-Maduro protest. There is no right for private citizens to bear arms in Venezuela.

Clinton Critiques Warren Health Plan

Former Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton took aim at current presidential candidate Massachusetts Sen. Elizabeth Warren’s proposed method of financing free health care for all.

“The goal is the right goal, but I don’t think taxing the hell out of the rich is the way to go,” Clinton said. “We’ve already seen Bill Gates threaten to vote for Donald Trump if we try to tax him too much. I don’t think he’s an outlier. The rich are major donors to the Democratic Party. We need to find other sources of the funds needed.”

“From my own experience, it seems to me that extracting money from foreign sources would provide a more politically viable option,” she continued. “When I was Secretary of State the Clinton Foundation was able to secure tens of millions in donations after I approved the sale of 25% of a major US supplier of uranium to a Russian owned company. I think we can look for similar opportunities during the next Democratic Administration. Bill also received humongous fees for giving speeches in foreign countries. I think we can revive this source of income given the right circumstances.”

Bloomberg Makes Offer to Dem Candidates

Citing what he termed “an absence of viable candidates” in the field of Democrats running for president, former New York City Mayor, billionaire Michael Bloomberg, has announced plans to become the nation’s next president.

“I have $52 billion dollars,” Bloomberg pointed out. “I could easily crush any of those currently running for the office. Rather than futilely waste efforts trying to beat me, I advise my fellow Democrats to unite with me in a unified anti-Trump front. I can guarantee every one of them a key position in my administration. Whether their passion is taxing the rich, controlling what people eat, how rapidly they breathe, where they live, who they marry—whatever—there will be plenty of power to share. All prior limitations will be swept aside. The archaic freedoms bestowed by the Founding Fathers are no longer practical in today’s world. All of my cabinet members will have their own mini-fiefdoms to rule.”

“So, what do you say?” he asked. “Rule with me or get run over by me—the choice is yours.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Warren’s Free Health Care for All Plan Costs $52 Trillion

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

This week, Democratic presidential contender Sen. Elizabeth Warren unveiled her much-touted “free health care for all” plan. The estimated ten-year cost of $52 trillion will be entirely borne by the “rich.”

“The middle class—those living on public assistance, unemployment benefits, or working in the informal economy—will receive care at no cost to themselves,” Warren boasted. “The rich—those who own businesses that withhold necessities from the masses unless they are paid for supplying them and their employees will be compelled to bear the burden of universal health care.”

Rival presidential contender former Vice-President Joe Biden accused Warren of “mathematical gymnastics. Clearly, the vast majority of those she is calling ‘rich’ are the working stiffs who are the backbone of the middle class. As she would have it, anyone who receives a salary or a wage will be hit with higher taxes to supply the expansive medical care she is proposing.”

The Senator welcomed Biden’s objections, saying “granted, my plan is projected to cost two million employees their jobs—knocking them out of the ranks of the rich and into the middle class—but the upside is that they will be the beneficiaries of the more complete health care coverage I am mandating. Joe’s objection is further proof that he is out-of-step with the modern Democratic Party. He doesn’t understand that it is the capitalistic system that forces people to have to work in order to live. Socialism will liberate everyone from this servitude by guaranteeing everyone the necessities of life without imposing the burdens of toil. I am the candidate that is best prepared to usher in the new era of total lifetime security and leisure that will be possible once we bring down the capitalist exploiters.”

Pelosi Praises Patriotism of Deep State

With the House finally endorsing the impeachment process being spearheaded by Intelligence Committee Chairman Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif), Speaker Nancy Pelosi took a moment “to give credit to the members of the deep state that made this possible. The willingness of men like James Comey, John Brennan, Peter Strzok, and others to go outside the bounds of strict obedience to the law despite the peril to their reputations, must not be overlooked or taken for granted. Their hyping of the Steele Dossier and surveillance of the Trump campaign nearly turned the 2016 election in Hillary’s favor.”

“Though that effort was thwarted by ill-informed voters in strategically positioned states, they didn’t give up,” she continued. “Before Trump was inaugurated they implemented plan B to undermine his ability to carry out his agenda. The covert surveillance of Trump and his supporters was extended. A Special Prosecutor was appointed to provide nearly two years worth of leaks alleging wrongdoing that fed a relentless media campaign against the illegitimate president. After that effort failed to oust Trump, plan C was launched as a CIA mole within the Trump Administration worked with Rep. Schiff to assail Trump’s authority to investigate foreign involvement with the deep state’s pre-election anti-Trump activities.”

“The persistence of these heroic men should be commended,” Pelosi urged. “Though not explicitly provided for in our Constitution, the deep state has organically evolved over the years to protect the nation from mistakes made by voters and to ensure that the permanent interests of the government would not be disrupted by unwarranted changes in administrations. The complaints from Trump and his backers should not be allowed to tarnish the work of these patriots. If it weren’t for them we’d have no viable way of getting rid of a man who never should have been elected president.”

In related news, Pelosi defended the impeachment procedures requiring Republicans to get Schiff’s permission to ask certain questions of the witnesses called to testify. “There is a great risk that Republicans will try to ask questions that are either irrelevant or antagonistic to the narrative being developed by the hearings,” she pointed out. “Rather than allow them to trip up witnesses into contradicting themselves and muddle the message, we are authorizing Rep. Schiff to rule out anything he deems to be out-of-line with the purpose of our inquiry.”

Omar Defends Vote on Armenian Genocide

In a rare instance of bipartisanship, the House voted 405-11 to condemn the extermination and expulsion of 1.5 million Armenians by Ottoman Turks during World War I as a genocide. Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-Minn) voted “present.”

Omar explained that “while there should be accountability for unwarranted human rights violations, weighing in on one side of a religious dispute would be improper. Armenians are Christians. Turks are Muslims. It is the religious obligation of Muslims to fight unbelievers and to slay them if they resist. Even the most cursory reading of the Quran conforms this obligation. I understand the Christians’ aversion to being killed, but there was and is a simple solution—convert to Islam or pay the jizya, if that option is offered to them. To refuse to do either is a refusal to have peace. Congress has no business taking sides in this long struggle to make all the world for Allah.”

California Governors Blame Republicans for Fires

Former Gov. Jerry Brown (D) says the fires now consuming large swaths of the state are the fault of Republicans. “Both myself and current Gov. Newsom have been striving to return California to the kind of ecological balance that prevailed before the white man invaded the area,” Brown asserted. “It is the GOP’s insistence on imposing modern technology that is the true cause of the conflagration. If it weren’t for the massive amounts of electricity needed to power the unnatural lifestyles of the white man we wouldn’t need the PG&E electric lines that are setting our forests on fire.”

Prior to the Brown and Newsom regimes, PG&E was permitted to trim foliage near its power lines. This helped minimize the frequency of fires being started by branches falling onto the lines and breaking them. Now, there are more falling branches, more broken power lines, and more uncleared brush under the fallen lines ready to be ignited by sparks from the broken lines.

Most sensible people would recognize the chain of events leading to the fires. Most sensible people would support steps to mitigate the danger while still preserving access to electricity for California consumers and businesses. Yet, Newsom insists that “it is the refusal of these selfish consumers—all of whom are aided and abetted by Republicans—to adjust their modes of living to cut back on excess consumption that is responsible for the disaster that has befallen our state.”

Contradicting the claims of Brown and Newsom is a comprehensive analysis done by California’s Legislative Analyst Office last year. This analysis cited long standing failures of policy by the state. These failures included neglecting to properly thin out the forest overgrowth that fuels disastrous fires. They also included spending billions to reduce carbon-dioxide emissions by a tiny fraction of the world’s annual emission of this gas.

In related news, Newsom blamed homeowners for the surge in homeless encampments in Los Angeles and San Francisco. “Most residents of California have an excess of living space,” the Governor maintained. “Rooms that could house homeless people are set aside for such frivolous uses as separate bedrooms for each child, home offices, TV dens, or storage space. We need to look into legislation that will incentivize homeowners to take in boarders. Perhaps a property surtax for underutilized space could be folded into the state’s tax code.”

Late-Entry Dem Presidential Contender Endorses Reparations

In a bid for black votes, Democratic presidential candidate Tom Steyer came out strongly in favor of slavery reparations. “The 400 years of unfairness toward blacks must be offset with 400 years of favoritism toward the descendants of the victims of slavery and oppression.”

Steyer acknowledged that “it may not be possible to sort out the whites who were responsible for the crimes against blacks from the whites who worked, fought, and died to end these crimes. Neither can we identify blacks who contributed to the crimes by capturing people in Africa to sell to slave traders or who were, themselves, owners of slaves. Another difficulty is determining which of today’s blacks residing in America are descended from blacks who were slaves vs. blacks who were not—an example of which is Sen. Kamala Harris who is a descendant of slave owners.”

“Nevertheless, even a rough justice that punishes some innocents while rewarding the descendants of some of the guilty is better than no justice,” Steyer insisted. “We must not accept the Republican contention that each person must be judged as an individual and that specific proof of culpability must exist before compensation is extracted from that individual. This is the same kind of logic that would allow Trump to go free just because there is no tangible evidence of his guilt. It is a standard that is tied to out-dated concepts of individualism. We need to move beyond that if we hope to achieve the sort of social justice our consciences demand.”

Two Percent Budget Cut Rejected

Given the federal government’s accumulated $23 trillion national debt and current year projected deficit of nearly a trillion dollars, Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY) introduced an appropriations amendment that would cut 2 percent from next year’s planned federal spending in the departments of commerce, science, justice, transportation, housing, urban development, agriculture; and interior. The Senate rejected this proposal by a 67-24 margin.

Sen. Patrick Leahy (D-Vt.), the top Democrat on the Senate Appropriations Committee, urged a vote against Paul’s measure, saying that “taking a meat ax to the federal budget is contrary to what the American voters want. Every dollar requested by each of these federal agencies is vitally needed to ensure the smooth flow of money to our chosen recipients. Sen. Paul’s contention that this money would be better spent by the individual taxpayers who earned it is an unproven assertion.”

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) argued that “the ‘fat’ in these agencies’ budgets is the payoff demanded by the Democrats for their votes to adequately fund our military. The risk of under-funded defense is a greater threat than the waste that will result from over-funding our bloated bureaucracies. I ask that all Republicans vote against Sen. Paul’s amendment.”

Impeachment Junta Cries Foul

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

The two Congressional Democrats conducting the secret trial of President Trump denounced Attorney General William Barr’s decision to open a criminal investigation of the origins of the FBI/Obama Administration’s efforts to prevent Trump’s election in 2016.

In a joint statement from House Intelligence Committee Chairman Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) and House Judiciary Committee Chairman Rep. Jerry Nadler (D-NY) the two complained that “using the Department of Justice to investigate a political matter is a clear abuse of authority. It makes the DOJ co-conspirators with the Republican senators who have condemned our confidential effort to generate sufficient revulsion among the general population to inspire Republicans to join us in ousting Trump from office.”

Schiff decried “the defective character exhibited by Barr’s refusal to recuse himself like his predecessor Sessions did. Sessions may have had his faults, but he put country ahead of party when it came to rooting out the Russian collusion that illegally kept Secretary Clinton from rightfully ascending to the presidency. By his decision today Barr is daring us to add his name to the list of persons who must be punished for actions aiding and abetting the crimes of Donald Trump.”

Barr took the criticism as “proof we’re on the trail of the actual would-be usurpers of the people’s right to choose who they want as president. For two years, Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller ranged far and wide in search of evidence against President Trump and was forced to admit that he could find none. At the same time, the behaviors of notable figures in the FBI and CIA between Trump’s announcement he would run for president and today appear to be outside the scope of their legal authority. As I said prior to being confirmed as AG, government spying on a candidate is a big deal. We are going to impanel a grand jury to hear evidence aimed at determining who was responsible for the crimes of these agencies.”

Scheme to Outlaw Gas-Powered Vehicles Hatched

Senate Minority Leaders Chuck Schumer (D-NY) has proposed legislation that would have the federal government “buy back” all motor vehicles that use fossil fuels. He says he got the idea from Democratic presidential candidate Rep, Beto O’Rourke’s plan to “buy back” firearms.

Under Schumer’s bill, the government would buy these vehicles for amounts ranging from $2500 to $4500 apiece. “The great thing about my bill is that for a cost of less than $400 billion over a ten year period we will completely eliminate these climate damaging machines,” the Senator boasted. “Hopefully, vehicle owners will voluntarily turn over their gas-guzzling, environment-destroying cars and trucks in exchange for these payments. That would be the sensible thing to do since gas stations will be abolished rendering unsurrendered vehicles obsolete. Obstinate owners would then be assessed a disposal fee to cover the government’s cost of recycling the materials of which the outlawed vehicles are constructed. It will be a win-win scenario for every American.”

Ironically, the highly touted electric vehicles Schumer’s bill would mandate are projected to have a larger negative impact on the environment when all factors are accounted for than the hated gasoline fueled vehicles he wants phased out.

Schiff Defends Restrictions on GOP Access to Documents

House Intelligence Committee Chairman Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) defended the restrictions he has decreed for Republican members of Congress who want to review the transcripts of the secret testimony his impeachment hearings are compiling. Under his rules there is only a single copy of the transcripts that is kept in a locked room under the constant guard of Democratic staff. Republicans wanting to see the transcripts cannot take notes and must agree to be strip searched before they are allowed to leave the room.

“Back in 2003 an individual stole and destroyed some classified documents from our National Archives,” Schiff recalled. “To prevent this type of illicit theft of government documents of vital importance to our inquiry we must take every reasonable precaution. Inasmuch as many Republicans are on record denouncing our investigation, the threat that they would similarly steal and destroy the evidence we are accumulating is palpable. If Republicans don’t like the limits I have placed on them they could do what every genuine American patriot is now doing—wait for me to reveal the evidence of Trump’s high crimes to the general public. When the time is right they’ll see all that needs to be seen on CNN.”

The 2003 theft mentioned by Schiff was carried out by Sandy Berger, former President Clinton’s National Security Advisor. Berger told a friend that he took five documents out of the Archives stuffed inside his underwear. These classified documents covering the Clinton Administration’s mishandling of terrorist threats were never recovered. Berger was allowed to plead to misdemeanor unauthorized removal of the documents and was fined $50,000, sentenced to serve two years of probation and 100 hours of community service, and stripped of his security clearance for three years. The sentencing judge explained the light penalty, saying “I didn’t want this poor fellow to end up on the list of mysterious deaths that seem to have befallen the friends and associates of the Clintons over the years.”

In related news, a group of Republicans who tried to sit in the gallery to observe the testimony being given at Schiff’s closed door hearings were declared “boring, nerdy-looking white guys” by MSNBC’s Donny Deutsch. “They fancy themselves as fighters for citizens’ constitutional rights, but they didn’t break anything. Neither did they hit or even threaten anyone. All they did was order pizzas to be delivered. At least we have Antifa on our side. They aren’t squeamish about really fighting for what we believe in. I’m glad that the Republicans showed the world what wimps they are in comparison.”

Harris Unsure If Trump Has Broken Any Laws

Former prosecutor and current contender for the Democratic presidential nomination Sen. Kamala Harris (Calif), who claims that “Trump has already confessed,” was unable to specify what laws he has violated when asked by CNN’s Anderson Cooper.

“I don’t need to know the law to know who’s a criminal,” Harris elaborated. “My experience as a prosecutor allows me to unconsciously sense such things. Some people are just bad. Whether there’s a specific statute defining a crime isn’t as important as taking bad people off the streets.”

To help bolster her case against Trump, the senator pointed to a new British initiative she thinks provides validation for her “common sense approach. They’ve got a program that says hateful behavior, even if it isn’t a crime should be punished. Some people are so bad that you shouldn’t even need evidence to know that they ought to be punished. Anyone paying attention to the news since Trump was elected know he is one of the worst people in the world. He needs to be neutralized by any means possible.”

To show that she is more than just talk, Harris pulled out of a South Carolina criminal justice forum because the organizers gave President Trump a “Bipartisan Justice Award.” “While my competitors for the 2020 presidential nomination are nattering about who can grab guns the fastest, abort babies the latest, and most thoroughly convert capitalism into socialism, I am striking a tangible blow against the Trump tyranny,” she bragged.

Romney Explains Pierre Delecto

This week it was revealed that Sen. Mitt Romney (R-Utah) has been tweeting under the name Pierre Delecto since 2011. The gist of most of the tweets was pointing out “what a swell fellow this Mitt Romney guy is crossing party lines to stand with defenders of democracy like Schiff and Nadler to take down the tyrant Trump.”

The senator alleges that “modesty was my motivation. If I had tweeted these things under my own name I would have appeared to be boastful. By using a pseudonym the compliments could be perceived as more honest and genuine. And who wouldn’t be impressed by remarks from a guy whose screen name translates as ‘Delightful Peter.’”

Mitt’s explanation has worsened his public persona. Instead of just being an unsuccessful candidate for president, he has etched his reputation as an immodest, dishonest, and cowardly self-promoter into the minds of decent folks everywhere.

Gov Vows to Block “Heartbeat” Bill

Pennsylvania Gov. Tom Wolf (D) warned the GOP-dominated legislature to not waste time passing a bill to ban abortions after the baby’s heartbeat can be detected. “I will veto whatever bill they pass,” Wolf promised. “Some women don’t want to be mothers. They shouldn’t be forced to become mothers in order to fulfill somebody else’s moral values.”

Rep. Stephanie Borowicz (R-McElhattan), sponsor of the bill was distressed that “the governor has rejected any and all limitations on the cruel practice of killing innocent babies. Isn’t ‘life’ one of the inalienable rights that our country was founded to protect? Women determined to abort their babies can cross the border into New York where the law permits abortion even after birth. But Pennsylvania should be a place where babies are safe.”

Wolf characterized the trek to another state to get an abortion as “inhumane. A woman should enjoy the right to terminate an unwanted child in the comfort of her home state. Those who would abridge this right condemn innocent women to the involuntary servitude of having to rear a person superfluous to her chosen lifestyle.”

Trump Admin Looking at Motel 6 for G-7 Summit

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

A leak from inside the White House indicates that the Trump Administration is considering holding next June’s G-7 Summit at a Motel 6 in Newark, New Jersey. The leak alleges that President Trump expressed dissatisfaction with the demands for what he termed “posh accommodations at our expense. Since most of the European elites expected to attend don’t keep up with their NATO obligations to contribute to their own national defense why should we be lavish in hosting their junket to America?”

Motel 6 spokesman Tom Bodett characterized the Trump proposal “a fit example of American practicality. The G-7 attendees are all grown men and women. Surely they can cope with the no frills, low cost option we offer to weary travelers. Our motels don’t have grand ballrooms, but our smaller meeting rooms can handle the necessary participants representing the seven countries.”

In contrast, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) denounced this rumored move as “an insult to our long-term allies,” calling it “completely out of the question. We’re not talking about putting up the sort of deplorables who voted for Trump. We’re talking about the world’s best and brightest, the people who govern the masses. These leaders need to receive the same type of accommodations that have been customary for persons of their social ranking since the days of the Roman Empire. Clearly, this is yet another demonstration of Trump’s lack of fitness for the office. It is another impeachable offense committed in full view of the voters.”

Beto Cites Waco Operation as Model for Gun Seizures

Democratic presidential candidate former Texas Rep. Beto O’Rourke pushed back against criticism that his gun confiscation plan is unrealistic by citing “the successful 1993 action against gun scofflaws in Waco taken by the Clinton Administration. Here we had a cult armed to the teeth. Attorney General Janet Reno didn’t hesitate to use force to achieve the disarmament of these dangerous misfits. All I’m proposing is that we use the same courageous proactive approach toward today’s anti-government traitors and terrorists.”

“I am pleased to see that Democrats in the House are advancing a bill that would authorize the disarming of any person deemed a danger to society,” the Candidate added. The bill—The Extreme Risk Protection Order Act of 2019—introduced by Rep. Salud Carbajal (D-Calif) would authorized law enforcement to seize firearms from persons identified as dangerous by another person or persons who feel threatened.

Strangely, Democrats rejected a proposed amendment from Republicans that would’ve added criminal gang members as prospective persons to be disarmed. Rep. Ken Buck (R-Colo) pointed out that “the majority of violent crime, including gun violence, in the United States is linked to gangs.” Carbajal defended rejection of the GOP amendment, explaining that “gang members live outside the law. They can’t rely on police to protect them. They need access to guns for their own safety. The people we are most concerned with are those normally considered law-abiding, but perceived as dangerous by other law-abiding persons such as family members, spouses, neighbors, and co-workers. These people don’t need to own guns. They can call on the police for protection if they are threatened or attacked by criminals.”

Clinton Smears Democrat Presidential Contender

As part of her continuing effort to convince everyone she is a loon, former Secretary of State and failed presidential candidate Hillary Clinton charged that current contender for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination Hawaii Rep. Tulsi Gabbard “is a Russian agent.” Clinton’s remarks came during her interview on former President Obama aide David Plouffe’s “Campaign HQ” podcast.

Clinton cited Gabbard’s behavior at the debates as evidence for her charge. “If you listen carefully you will see that she repeatedly criticizes some of the other contenders. She calls their ideas impractical. Accuses them of hypocrisy or dishonesty. This kind of internal disagreement only benefits Trump and the Republicans.”

“In 2016, I was fortunate enough that with the help of the Democratic National Committee I was able to rebuff Bernie’s attempt to steal the nomination from me by deluding many primary voters to cast their ballots for him,” Clinton admitted. “What I couldn’t overcome was the ‘stab in the back’ from Jill Stein, who was also a Russian agent, and the collusion between Trump and Putin to suppress the votes of recent immigrants to America.”

“I’m confident that the DNC will be able to exclude Gabbard from future debates and that Congress will impeach and remove Trump from office,” the former Secretary said. “This will clear the way for voters to reverse the most terrible injustice ever inflicted on anyone by electing me, the most qualified person to ever run for the office, the next president of the United States in November of 2020.”

Schiff Impeachment Probe Bogs Down

House Intelligence Committee Chairman Rep. Adam Schiff’s closed door impeachment hearings are not moving along as he has envisioned they would. According to inside sources, witnesses that Schiff is convinced have damaging evidence against President Trump are resisting Schiff’s efforts to put words into their mouths.

Deputy Assistant Secretary of State George Kent reputedly told the Committee that he had qualms about Joe Biden’s son Hunter’s role on the board of the Ukrainian energy company Burisma Holdings back in 2015, but was rebuffed by the staff of the Vice-President citing “President Obama’s full approval for the actions taken to oust the Ukrainian prosecutor looking into the matter.”

“Well, wouldn’t President Obama’s full approval effectively debunk any allegation of wronging by the Bidens?” Schiff is said to have asked Kent. Kent’s reported reply that “even if the Bidens’ activities had the backing of the President that wouldn’t debunk anything. There certainly was the appearance of impropriety. Debunking would, in my opinion, require something more concrete than a claim that higher authority was supposedly on-board with the Bidens.”

Schiff is said to be frustrated that “our witnesses are making things harder than they need to be. I keep trying to tell them that there is no one who can contradict whatever they testify to. The simplest option for them is to tell us what we want to hear.”

Schiff has also vociferously and publicly defended the secrecy of his undertaking, calling it “essential that we retain the element of surprise to prevent Trump from concocting a plausible-sounding defense of his actions. Thankfully, the impeachment process bypasses the Constitution’s guarantee that the accused has the right to confront his accusers and see the evidence of the crimes of which he is accused.”

For his part, Trump tweeted that “even the infamous Salem witch trials allowed the accused to confront their accusers. What Schiff, Pelosi and the Democrats are doing is a disgrace.”

Majority of Voters Disagree with Warren

A key plank in Democratic presidential contender Massachusetts Sen. Elizabeth Warren’s platform is that “the economy is not working for average Americans.” In a poll conducted by Marist, more than 60% of the voters questioned said the economy is working for them. Of the subgroups surveyed, 67% of college graduates, 64% of those without a degree, 68% of whites, 61% of non-whites, 63% of generation Z, 69% of generation X, 63% of baby boomers, 69% of the greatest generation, 69% of the silent generation, 60% of those in the west, 65% of those in the east, 67% of those in the mid-west, 68% of those in the south, 63% of city dwellers, 64% of those in small towns, 66% of those in rural areas, and 72% of suburban inhabitants all agree the economy is working for them.

Warren professed herself as unfazed by these findings, saying “I will get the votes of the 59% of progressives, 55% of Democratic women, and 55% of those who are liberal that agree with me that the economy is not working for them.” Warren also pointed to the explosive growth of the homeless sector as “a sign that things are trending in my favor. We estimate that virtually 100% of these unfortunates will cast their ballots for me, as will the vast majority of immigrants, prison inmates, and urban gangsters. These are revolutionary times we are living in. The comfortable bourgeoisie are no match for the mobilized proletariat that will overthrow capitalist oppression in this country.”

Recent Census Bureau data on the incomes of America’s middle class show there is solid evidence for people feeling good about the Trump economy. Since he took office in January 2017 the median-income family has seen a gain of $5,003 in annual earnings. The gain during the eight years of the Obama Administration was only $1,043. It should be no surprise that voters put more trust in their paychecks than the socialist lies being purveyed by leading Democrats.

Bush Comes Out of Hibernation to Chastise Trump

After many years of silence since leaving office, former President George W. Bush sharply chastised President Trump’s Syrian troop withdrawal, claiming it “threatens to undo my signature achievement as president.”

Bush rejected Trump’s reasoning that the United States shouldn’t be engaged in endless wars to try to promote nation-building, by pointing out that “endless is an exaggeration. My wars only started in 2003. That’s just 16 years ago. If I recall correctly, Europe had a 100 years war spanning the 14th and 15th centuries. The cold war between us and the Soviet Union lasted four decades. And to hear Trump himself tell it, there’s been fighting in the Middle East for centuries. It is Trump’s belief that somehow we can get along without wars that is out-of-step with reality.”

Democratic presidential candidate South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg sided with Bush and insisted that “President Trump is taking away our troops’ honor. I didn’t think we should have gone to Iraq in the first place. I think we need to get out of Afghanistan. But Trump’s hasty withdrawal of the 28 soldiers stationed in Syria by President Obama in 2011 is a slap in the face to everyone who has ever worn the uniform. We are leaving thousands of our communist Kurd allies behind to fight against the hated Turks. I’m sure everyone of those soldiers feels shame and wishes he could see the battle out to the end.”

Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif) and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) attempted to distinguish between “the sensible placement of troops by President Obama with the reckless deployments of President Bush and Trump. Obama could be trusted to do whatever is good for everyone, but Bush was a bumbling fool and Trump is Putin’s mole inside the US government. Whatever Trump does is wrong and probably treasonous.”

Planned Parenthood Lawsuit Not Going Well

The lawsuit—Planned Parenthood v. The Center for Medical Progress (CMP)–for “wrongfully making public proprietary trade secrets” is further exposing the many heinous practices involved in the organization’s profiteering from the sale of body parts of the victims of abortions in their facilities.

A video clip of Dr. Deborah Nucatola, a former Planned Parenthood Federation of America’s senior director of medical services, describing how she “would delicately crush above and below the baby’s thorax in order to preserve intact internal organs and assure maximum prices for the merchandise” was allowed in evidence over the objections of the organization’s attorney Sharon Mayo that “the details of the extraction method is a trade secret” and that “allowing it at the trial could result in irreparable harm to Planned Parenthood’s future financial viability. The widespread revulsion likely to be induced in persons unqualified to judge these highly technical medical procedures could encourage the passage of laws limiting or banning the use of these procedures or even the frequency with which abortions are requested by patients.”

Former Planned Parenthood abortionist Mary Gatter testified that “the ’tissue samples’ we prefer to call the abortion remains are baby parts. ‘Tissue samples’ doesn’t sound as repugnant as baby parts. Look, my job was to market the leftovers from the late abortion procedures. Anything we can do to make sure buyers aren’t revolted by what we’re actually selling helps smooth the transaction and keep the money flowing.” Gatter also acknowledged saying “I want a Lamborgini. I figured if the potential buyers knew I had high aspirations and expenses they would be willing to pay a higher price for what I was trying to sell.”

Mayo asserted that “the entirely legal business of terminating unwanted babies has been severely damaged by the illegal actions of CMP. Tens of millions of dollars in profits have already been lost. Justice requires that those who caused these losses compensate my clients. Whether CMP has sufficient resources to pay what Planned Parenthood demands remains to be seen. At the very least the total financial ruin of CMP and everyone associated with it could serve as a stern warning to others that continue to harass abortion providers across the country.”

In related news, support for unrestricted abortion funded by tax dollars was unanimous at the latest debate among the 12 invited Democratic presidential contenders in Ohio. New Jersey Sen. Cory Booker got a chorus of “amens” from his rivals when he reminded everyone of “the tragic increase in Planned Parenthood facilities closing and the existential threat this poses to life as we know it in this country.”

Prof Blames Trump for Black Obesity

Rutgers University women’s and gender studies professor Brittney Cooper says “Trump’s policies are responsible for black women being obese.” Cooper, who is black and grossly overweight herself, contends that “Trump’s every man for himself approach is the problem. The rampant prosperity stemming from his tax cuts and deregulation makes food inexpensive and readily available. For those of us with no self-discipline it’s a recipe for disaster.”

Cooper maintains that “the policies of Sanders or Warren would be much healthier for us. The costs would go up and there would be more scarcity. Sanders has even explicitly praised the idea of making people wait in lines to get food. More of our time would be consumed trying to obtain food, leaving less time to eat it. This externally applied discipline would save fatties from their own bad choices and lead to a greater collective well being for all.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

NBA Distances Itself from Hong Kong Protesters

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

This week, the National Basketball Association (NBA) took steps to try to distance itself from a tweet by the Houston Rockets’ general manager Daryl Morey. In his tweet, Morey urged “Fight for Freedom. Stand with Hong Kong.”

NBA Commissioner Adam Silver publicly apologized for the “insensitive remarks made by Mr. Morey. We understand that members of our organization are entitled to their political opinions. We have stood behind teams’ refusals to visit the White House while Trump is president. We sympathize with players who are insulted by the racism of the National Anthem. However, the financial consequences of disrespecting the government of China are substantial and we will do whatever that government requires to atone for the offense created by Mr. Morey’s tweet.”

The initial acts of atonement so far have included an apology from Morey and the deletion of his tweet, an enforced “gag rule” forbidding players and managers from expressing any opinions regarding the Chinese Government’s oppression of pro-democracy protesters in Hong Kong, and efforts to refocus attention on “the despicable history of the United States.”

An opening salvo of the “refocus” effort came from the mouth of Golden State Warriors Coach Steve Kerr. The Coach said he was “proud to boycott the invitations from Trump for my team to visit the White House for a celebration of our championships. We cannot allow this tyrant to ride the coattails of our greatness. Especially considering all the human rights abuses committed by Donald Trump and his minions since he stole the presidency from Hillary Clinton.”

Kerr rebuffed queries from the media regarding China’s concentration camps for dissenters, saying “it would be unfair for me to comment without being fully informed. I hear people say that millions have died under the policies of Mao, but I have no personal knowledge of these claimed atrocities. On the other hand, the Chinese Government has freely allowed their citizens to play and watch basketball. These positive developments should not be endangered by errant comments.”

“Even worse, the recent action of the Trump Administration making the freedom of two million persecuted Muslims a condition for improved economic trade with China unnecessarily complicates the better business relationship the NBA is trying to accomplish,” Kerr added. “To me, Trump is clearly the bigger threat to a better world.”

In related news, the NBA’s Portland Trail Blazers announced they are terminating a commercial partnership with Leupold—a manufacturer of a variety of scopes, binoculars and rangefinders—because the company also sells its products to the Israeli Defense Forces. Omar Streicher, spokesman for team, said “when it was brought to our attention that rifle scopes manufactured by Leupold were aiding the illegal occupation of Palestine by Israel, severing the partnership became a ‘no brainer.’”

Biden Says Study Vindicates His Ukraine Extortion

A study conducted by OpenTheBooks.com showed that the practice of politicians trading favors for cash is common. The case study involved eight members of Congress: Republicans Tom Cole, Kristi Noem, Erik Paulsen, and Cathy McMorris Rodgers and Democrats John B. Larsen, Jim Cooper, Debbie Dingell, and Brenda Lawrence.

The study found a repeated pattern in which members of Congress own investment stock in, are employed by, and receive retirement pensions from federal contractors to whom billions of taxpayer dollars flow. Members sponsor or oppose legislation that affects these contractors. Then, the contractor’s lobbyists advocate for or against the legislation to help the contractor. Oftentimes, the contractor’s lobbyist also donates campaign cash to the member.

Perhaps the most shocking aspect of this abuse of office is that it is not illegal. It is this last finding that former Vice-President Joe Biden heralded as “proof that I’ve done nothing wrong. The travesty is that the salaries allotted to those of us in government are abysmally low. Corporate executives are paid millions to run private businesses. We ought to be similarly paid, but could never garner much support for higher salaries. Allowing ourselves to make money on the side has been the way to right this injustice. Using my influence in Ukraine to help my son doesn’t make me a crook. It makes me a good dad.”

In related news, Biden slammed the New York Times for running an op ed by Peter Schweizer, author of Clinton Cash. “Here is a guy trying to profit by attacking the legal influence peddling of great Americans like the former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and me, the former Vice-President of President Barack Obama. We’re at war for the soul of this country. The Times shouldn’t be giving aid and comfort to our enemies. They need to stay in the ranks and use the power they have to help us win back the White House and Congress.”

California Enacts Anti-Voter Suppression Law

Governor Gavin Newsom has signed a new law that will allow voters to register on election day at any polling place in the state. According to the Governor, “this will overcome some serious deficiencies that previously held the number of ballots cast below what could’ve been achieved.”

Among the deficiencies cited by the Governor were “the disenfranchisement of procrastinators. Why should people who can’t plan ahead be barred from voting? Under this law, anyone can wait until the final hour and still be allowed to vote. Another defect of previous law was its failure to adequately allow for enthusiastic voters to have a say as great as their passion. Under the new law, a person with the dedication and energy would be allowed to register and vote at as many polling locations he or she could reach during the 30 day period in which votes are allowed to be cast. Why shouldn’t people who feel strongly be accorded a greater weight in the decision than those who are just going through the motions to cast a single ballot each election cycle?”

Former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger exuded enthusiasm for the new rules, saying “I will cast as many votes as I can for Sen. Warren. Her vision for the future of America is how we keep America number one.”

LGBTQ Town Hall Brings Out Worst in Dem Candidates

This week at CNN’s “Equality Town Hall” inspired several of the Democratic Party’s 2020 presidential contenders to advocate some bad ideas.

Former Texas Rep. Beto O’Rourke vowed to “strip tax-exempt status from any religious organization that refuses to recognize gay marriage. In fact, this will be one of my top priorities as president. The Supreme Court has ruled that same-sex marriage is just as valid as a traditional marriage between a man and a woman. No one has a constitutional right to oppose this. Any who do must be punished. Imposing taxes on churches and siccing the IRS after them would be the most merciful tool for achieving compliance. You know, we could learn a thing or two from how China handles religious deviations from its policies. In China, churches must get government approval before anyone can be a priest or minister. This strikes me as the ultimate safeguard for ensuring obedience to the government’s wishes. Maybe we should make this a requirement in our country.”

Former Vice-President Joe Biden averred that “same-sex marriage is the perfect remedy for alleviating the health threat posed by gay bathhouses. Before gay marriages were the law of the land, gay men were forced to look for love with anonymous strangers in round-the-clock sex orgies at these bathhouses. Now they can practice safe sex with a committed long term partner. I’d call that a major step forward toward a healthier America.”

Massachusetts Sen. Elizabeth Warren acknowledged “the solid reasoning of my colleagues,” but chided them for “overlooking the need to broaden our concept of marriage to cover the 30+ different genders that have recently been discovered. Every person has the right to be any sex he or she wants and to marry any other person of any gender. We will need to craft laws to deal with all the potential combinations. Even if we restrict marriage to two individuals there are nearly 1,000 possible types of marriage that will need to be codified. However, I wonder if such a restriction might be too narrow-minded. Who says a marriage has to be between only two people?”

The Senator also took the occasion to announce that “prison inmates are entitled to gender reassignment surgery.” This position contradicts her 2012 opposition to using taxpayer money to fund such surgeries. “I was wrong then,” she admitted. “My error can be blamed on the false premise that there can be any money that is not rightfully the property of the government. I was mindlessly thinking ‘why should taxpayers foot this bill.’ I now know that the correct way of thinking is that any money not taken from taxpayers is a gift from the government. No one is entitled to expect a gift. It is the government’s right and duty to use whatever funds are necessary to heal these suffering individuals. Reshaping their genitals is a small down payment on what society owes them.”

To help her with issues like these, Warren promised to consult with nine-year-old transgender Jacob Lemay. “An individual to be so wise at such a young age and brave enough to take action to escape the erroneous body he was born with is the kind of adviser every president needs to forge the transformation our country needs,” the Senator maintained. “For more than 200 years presidents have sought out old white men for these crucial roles. I intend to break away from that stilted practice and get ideas and inspiration from those unconstrained by the out-dated reality of the past.”

In related news, Warren promised to give “back pay” to illegal aliens. She brushed off criticism that “this, like my other plans is ‘communistic,” by reminding these critics that “they are neglecting to admit that under communism in Russia and China no student has to pay for college, no one has to pay for health care, the government provides adequate housing for everyone, and people cheerfully line up to buy the low-cost food the state supplies to all.”

Anti-Trump Conspirator Admits Steele Dossier “Had Flaws”

Fired former FBI deputy director Andrew McCabe admitted to former Watergate reporter Carl Bernstein that “the dossier compiled by Steele had its flaws. Steele warned us that he couldn’t verify its contents and that we should not take it as ‘gospel.’ But President Obama was pressing us on the need to prevent Donald Trump from becoming the next president. Under these circumstances I think people will understand that a rigid adherence to the law would not have allowed us to do as he asked.”

“By nature, much of the information spies like Steele obtain is hearsay, innuendo, and inference,” McCabe explained. “But if that’s all you have there’s no alternative but to go forward and hope for the best. Did we make mistakes? Of course. In hindsight, perhaps swearing under oath to the FISA Court that the dossier was verified might have been a mistake seeing that our expectation we would be successful in throwing the election to Secretary Clinton didn’t pan out.”

“What I offer in my own defense, and that of the numerous intelligence community members who participated in the mission, is that taking extreme risk, breaking laws, and neutralizing enemies by any means possible has been the essence of the intelligence community’s work going back at least to the foundation of the CIA. We do the dirty work required to protect this nation from threats to our way of life. Trump posed such a threat and President Obama’s endorsement of the measures we carried out gave all of us the impetus to try to save America from a dire fate. My greatest regret is that we have, so far, failed in that endeavor.”

In related news, CNN contributor Wajahat Ali reports that “the FBI now considers conspiracies theories, such as that there is a deep state plot to drive Trump out of office, to be a domestic terror threat. This designation will allow the intelligence community to take the kind of severe measures needed to protect against this threat. This includes surveillance, infiltration, propaganda, and the type of executive action deployed against President Kennedy when he posed a similar threat as perceived by the CIA.”

Minneapolis Mayor Removes Porta-Potties Outside Trump Rally

Frustrated that he was unable to prevent President Trump from holding a campaign rally in Minneapolis, Mayor Jacob Frey took action to bar porta-potties from being set up outside the arena for use by the overflow crowd or those there to demonstrate against Trump.

“The provision of portable toilets is the very definition of treason in the US Constitution,” Frey contended. “And I quote…Treason against the United States, shall consist of giving enemies aid and comfort. The whole purpose of these facilities is to give aid and comfort. In fact, they are also known as ‘comfort stations.’ Since Trump and his supporters are enemies of our democracy any step that would discomfort them seems to me to be both inherently justified and required.”

Asked about the discomfort inflicted on the anti-Trump demonstrators, Grey expressed regret, but pointed out that “in war there sometimes is collateral damage. I think our Anti-Fa friends understand this and will, in revolutionary fashion, relieve themselves on the streets as are our fellow revolutionaries in San Francisco and Los Angeles. So, we’re confident that most of the suffering will occur in the ranks of the deplorables.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Dems Assail Scrutiny of Their Business Dealings

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Revelations that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s son, like former Vice-President Joe Biden’s son, had a cozy deal with a Ukrainian oil company bolstered her determination to press ahead with impeachment of President Trump. “There is a clear pattern of abuse of power here,” the Speaker alleged. “As President Trump knows, the compensation paid to members of Congress is far below adequate for their station in life. Yet, he viciously attacks the time-honored means that every other administration has accepted to overcome this inequity.”

“Trump has billions of dollars with which to support the members of his family—giving cushy jobs to his two moron sons,” Pelosi contended. “Those of us who are less privileged have, as members of Congress have historically done, pulled a few strings to try to help our sons to enjoy a better life. To imply that these actions are scandalous goes outside the bounds of normal practice. It could not be clearer that the removal of Trump from power is imperative.”

House Judiciary Committee Chairman Jerry Nadler (D-NY) chimed in to point out that “it’s not only our children who are being threatened by Trump. The minimal kickbacks I’ve been receiving from the music industry have also been unfairly criticized. For anyone to suggest that my actions toward this industry might in any way be influenced by the small campaign donations I have received or the parties that I have thrown using some of this money unfairly implies that I am corrupt. These are normal transactions for a person in my position.”

Sanders Refutes GOP Claim on Medicare-for-All

Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Bernie Sanders’ recent trip to the hospital for urgent medical care inspired Republican critics of his Medicare-for-All plan to point out that the normal waiting periods for receiving care under socialized medicine are typically weeks or even months and, in some cases are denied for a person as old (78) as Sanders is. In the British system, the median time from assessment to treatment is 55 days. In Canada the waiting time averages 11 weeks.

The senator called the GOP claim “misleading. While the average person might, in fact, have to endure such waits, my plan makes explicit exceptions for important people. Under democratic socialism, government leaders are vital cogs in running the country. As such, they will have line-cutting privileges that ensure they get the best treatment expeditiously. We can’t afford to have high-ranking members of the ruling body fall victim to the queuing procedures that apply to the masses.”

Schiff Refuses to Release Transcript of Testimony

After predicting that the closed-door testimony of former U.S. envoy to Ukraine Kurt Volker before the House Intelligence Committee would “prove President Trump has committed high crimes” Chairman Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) has, so far, released only selected excerpts of this testimony.

Republican members of the Committee are clamoring for the release of the full transcript. Rep. Mark Meadows (R-NC) said “there’s a reason why Adam Schiff released cherry-picked text messages and not the transcript of the Volker interview. It’s because the actual interview directly undermined Democrats’ impeachment effort.” Rep. Jim Jordan (R-Ohio) asserted that “When the American people get to read the transcript of Ambassador Volker’s testimony, they will see that everyone involved in the Trump Administration and Ukrainian government was working both for America’s interests and for the success and security of Ukraine.”

So far, Schiff has rebuffed GOP calls for full transparency, citing “the special rules Speaker Pelosi has set for these impeachment hearings. These rules bar Republicans from asking any questions or calling any of their own witnesses. I have been granted full power to determine what will or won’t be released to the public and how it will be edited. We have no obligation to follow Trump’s example of releasing a transcript of his phone call with Ukrainian President Zelensky.”

In related news, it has also been disclosed that Joseph Cofer Black, a former political adviser to Sen. Mitt Romney, was a member of the same board of directors for the Ukrainian company Burisma that Hunter Biden was. Romney has been a prominent critic of Trump’s attempt to probe corruption in Ukraine and has taken the stance that the phone call was “wrong and appalling” and offered to “heed the Party’s call and accept the GOP presidential nomination for 2020 after Trump is impeached and removed from office. I am well-respected in Washington and offer the steady hand needed to assure the continuity of policy that has garnered support on both sides of the aisle in DC.”

Beto Offended by Buttigieg Position on Guns

Speaking at Kent State University—site of where US troops fired on antiwar protesters in 1970, killing four of them—Democratic presidential candidate and former Texas Rep. Beto O’Rourke expressed his “profound disappointment with Mayor Pete’s refusal to back my plan to confiscate AR-15s and similar military-style weapons from private owners. This is tantamount to supporting citizens having the means to resist government intrusions on liberties that these citizens neither need nor deserve in our modern society. At this point in our history we must accept that only the government can be trusted to use firearms appropriately.”

Mayor Buttigieg objected to O’Rourke’s “mischaracterization of my views. I don’t disagree that private citizens ought not to have weapons, but I think his stark proposal is like the proverbial ‘kicking a sleeping dog.’ We need to be more subtle in our pursuit of disarmament of the general population. I favor more of a ‘boiling the frog’ approach where we slowly ratchet up the restrictions until the burdens of gun ownership are so onerous that people will voluntarily give up on the idea of bearing arms.”

Clinton Weighs Suit Against China

The recent use of the term “basket of deplorables” by China’s state-run Global Times has spurred former unsuccessful presidential candidate Hillary Clinton to consider suing for “theft of intellectual property. I coined that phrase to describe the lowlifes who supported my opponent in the 2016 election. It is outrageous that it would be re-used without paying me royalties.”

Observers have expressed skepticism that any prospective lawsuit could be successful. CNN’s Chris Cuomo cited China’s “blatant disregard for intellectual property rights as one indicator of the improbable odds for getting a reasonable response on Sec. Clinton’s complaint. I also can’t help wondering if a Regime willing to use violence to suppress pro-democracy protests in Hong Kong now and in Tiananmen Square 30 years ago would feel any compunction to honor her property rights.”

In related news, Democratic presidential candidate former Vice-President Joe Biden has filed paperwork to copyright the phrase “dregs of society” that he recently used to slander the 63 million voters who elected Donald Trump president in 2016. A spokesman for his campaign boasted that “this should warn off any imitators among the dwarfs who are contesting Joe’s right to continue the Obama legacy and provide a route to cash compensation should they try to appropriate his terminology.”

Candidate Says Spending Stats Support Transition to Socialism

The Bureau of Labor Statistics Consumer Expenditure Survey showing that Americans spent more on taxes in 2018 than on food, clothing and health care combined was hailed by Democratic presidential contender Massachusetts Sen. Elizabeth Warren as “proof that socialism works and that the transition to a centrally directed economy will be relatively painless.”

The combined payments the average American consumer unit made in 2018 for five categories of taxes—federal income taxes, Social Security taxes, state and local income taxes, property taxes; and other taxes was $18,617. In 2013, the average American consumer unit paid a combined $13,327 for the same five categories. This 40% tax hike in only five years was labeled “very encouraging” by the Senator.

“Republican arguments that voters can’t afford socialism or that they will fight to resist increasing levies on their income and wealth are rebutted by these data,” Warren declared. “The thing that spurred the American Revolution in 1776 was taxation without representation. Today, Americans are fully represented by the people they elect. These elected representatives are the ones who have imposed the taxes that the general public willingly pays because they have confidence that the government will wisely handle their money—shifting it from frivolous and selfish expenditures for private pleasure to urgently needed public uses like free college tuition and free health care for the millions of Latinos that are bravely crossing our southern border.”

Schumer to Trump: “Don’t Say I Didn’t Warn You”

The emergence of the latest CIA scheme to oust President Trump entailing the manipulation of “whistleblower” rules to allow “hearsay” allegations prompted Sen. Charles Schumer (D-NY) to remind Trump “I told you that these guys have six-ways from Sunday at getting back at you.”

“In a way, Trump is actually getting off easy,” Schumer contended. “When President Kennedy threatened to tear the CIA into a 1,000 pieces he ended up being murdered. If a president as beloved as JFK was could be killed, a vile creature like Trump should thank his luck that he is still alive. I don’t know how long he thinks his luck will hold, but everyday he is tempting fate. The prudent course would be for him to resign before something unfortunate happens to him.”

As a more merciful alternative, Rep. Maxine Waters called for Trump “to be imprisoned and placed in solitary confinement. His opposition to the efforts of the intelligence community to neutralize the mistaken election of this miscreant make him a clear and present danger to our democracy. We must not allow him to assert constitutional provisions guarding the rights of the accused to delay removing him from power. We must take corrective action before it is too late.”

Former Attorney General Eric Holder extended a general warning to current Attorney General William Barr urging him “to abandon his investigation into allegations of corruption involving the Obama Administration. All he’ll accomplish is to destroy his own reputation and foreclose any future he may have once things return to normal.”

DNC Wants Facebook to Censor Trump

The Democratic National Committee (DNC) has accused Facebook of allowing President Trump to “mislead the American people” and demanded that “action be taken to silence his propagation of lies.”

Facebook’s vice president of global affairs and communications, Nick Clegg, said that “it is our policy to treat speech from politicians as newsworthy content that should, as a general rule, be seen and heard. In open democracies, voters rightly believe that, as a general rule, they should be able to judge what politicians say themselves.”

However, DNC CEO Seema Nanda complained that “Facebook has the means to protect people from being exposed to the misinformation spewing from Trump and the responsibility to do so. They should do this voluntarily rather than wait for us to compel them to do the right thing under penalty of law.”

In related news, Democratic presidential candidate California Sen. Kamala Harris urged Twitter to ban Trump’s tweets. “Truth should not be impeded by the intrusion of this man’s twisted views,” Harris asserted. “There are plenty of respected reporters at CNN, MSNBC, ABC, etc. who can convey what’s really going on to the American voters. We shouldn’t have to tolerate Trump’s repeated efforts to muddle their message.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

NY Mayor Takes Hard Line on ‘Illegal Aliens’

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Now that he has dropped out of the race for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination, New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio is free to indulge in his favorite pastime—shafting the citizens and residents who fall under his governance. The newest bit of tyranny from the Mayor is the enactment of an ordinance that imposes hefty fines on anyone using the phrase “illegal alien” or the word “illegals.”

“We determined that our ongoing policy of shielding accused rapists and murderers from Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) agents is not enough to discourage attitudes of hostility toward individuals who have entered the country without complying with the red tape prescribed by federal statutes,” de Blasio said. “I decided we need to go the extra mile to persuade citizens and legal residents of our city to keep their hostile opinions to themselves.”

De Blasio contrasted that “this admittedly moderate and weak deterrent isn’t what Lenin did to crush counterrevolutionaries opposed to the transformation of Russia into a socialist state,” but justified it as “about as far as we can go for now. Once the Democratic Party has obtained full control of congress and the presidency a more rigorous effort to cleanse the entire nation of errant modes of thought can be implemented.”

Dem Calls Trump “Treason” Comment “Treasonous”

House Intelligence Committee Chairman Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) denounced President Trump’s suggestion that spying on him by the CIA might be treason. “We should thank our lucky stars that there are people within the federal government who are not intimidated by Trump’s election as president,” Schiff exclaimed. “The fearless heroes of the CIA and FBI who have diligently worked to undo the tragic results of the 2016 presidential election deserve our thanks and praise. Trump’s attempt to portray what they have done in a negative light is despicable.”

“Clearly, Trump’s request to Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky that his government look into a matter that occurred years ago between then Vice-President Biden and the previous Ukrainian administration is what is really treasonous,” Schiff argued. “Trump’s attempt to portray the leverage Vice-President Biden utilized to help out his son as a bad thing was an attack on family values. Joe Biden previously lost his eldest son, Beau, to brain cancer. His youngest son, Hunter, was facing a rocky future after being ousted from the US Navy for drug addiction. The millions in consultant fees that Joe helped him obtain from a Ukrainian company enabled Hunter to avoid becoming unemployed and saved the government the expense of having to pay unemployment benefits to Joe’s boy. Trump’s slander against Joe warrants his impeachment.”

The Congressman also espied “a double standard in Trump’s actions. Back in 2011 a ‘rookie’ reporter by the name of Chelsea Clinton snagged a $600,000 a year salary as an NBC ‘soft news’ specialist. Her salary was four to five times that of other NBC rookie reporters. Trump never challenged this. Everyone viewed it as payback for all the sacrifices her parents had made in their decades of public service. Well, Joe Biden has given America four decades of public service. We should be grateful that he took the initiative to arrange a payback for his lone surviving son. Trump’s hypocrisy in these two virtually identical instances is reprehensible.”

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton echoed Schiff’s charges saying “The president of the United States has betrayed our country. Joe Biden didn’t inherit a billion dollars. He, like Bill and I, had to claw his way to the top using every bit of the influence granted by the voters in our political system. This social mobility is crucial to our way of government. Trump’s assault on it undermines justice. We must act. He is a clear and present danger to the things that keep us strong and free. I pray that our guardians within the government will be able to save us from this danger.”

Former Massachusetts Gov. and current candidate for the Republican presidential nomination Bill Weld agreed with Schiff and Clinton, advising that “we stop tip-toeing around the issue. Trump’s phone call was treasonous. He ought to be executed.”

A contrasting view was offered by Ukrainian Prosecutor General of Ukraine Viktor Shokin. “I had been investigating numerous instances of potential corruption,” Shokin said. “The hiring of Hunter Biden—a man with no expertise in Ukrainian affairs or the energy business interests of Burisma—for essentially a ‘no show’ job raised my suspicions. The very public demand by Vice-President Biden, who apparently had the full support of President Obama, that my investigation be stopped or crucial financial aid to my country would be blocked was pure extortion. President Poroshenko met Biden’s demand by firing me. Biden’s later public boasting about how he got me fired confirms my suspicions about the corrupt nature of his son’s hiring by Burisma.”

Wall Street Warns Warren

Corporate Financiers and big business executives who normally donate to the Democratic Party have expressed uneasiness with the aggressively socialist policy prescriptions of the party’s 2020 presidential contenders. One frightened donor averred that “we can tolerate the Party’s longstanding practice of taking a piece of the action on programs that funnel money to our firms, but now it sounds like they want to carve us up like the proverbial golden goose. I don’t know how we can continue to fund candidates intent on punishing us.”

Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) professed herself “untroubled by talk of a corporate reluctance to donate to my campaign. We’re keeping meticulous records on who is with us and who is not. I mean to abolish capitalism to achieve social justice. Those who help me win the presidency will earn social credits that may come in handy when the demolition begins. It won’t save their unjustified wealth, but it may save their lives. Given the inevitability of our success, I think these guys will be smart enough to accept roles administering the government bureaus and departments that will be needed to run the economy, especially when the alternative will be to find themselves out on the street with no salable skills.”

Warren insisted that “my policies will be merciful. I will also cancel all city and state ordinances, laws, and regulations that bar people from living on the streets and in public parks. Displaced employees and business owners will be able to avail themselves of rent-free accommodations in any part of the United States. An added upside will be the significant reduction in the carbon footprint this lifestyle enables.”

The Senator also triumphantly cited a Cato Institute and YouGov report–“2019 Welfare, Work, and Wealth National Survey”–finding that 47 percent of Americans with strongly favorable views of socialism think “citizens taking violent action against the rich is sometimes acceptable” and that 36 percent of strong liberals and 35% of Americans under 30 agree. “These are the people who will spearhead the socialist revolution and carry me to victory in next year’s election,” she declared.

Dems Denounce GOP Efforts to “Red Flag” Gang Members

House Democrats bristled over efforts to apply so-called “red flag” laws as a means of disarming violent criminals. House Judiciary Chairman Nadler (D-NY) called the GOP effort “racist and inhumane. The kind of people they want to target live outside the law. These people need guns for their own protection and to earn a living. If you’re a gang member you can’t expect someone to give you money just because you ask. You have to have the ability to persuade that person to surrender his wallet, watch, or cell phone. Access to a firearm greatly improves the odds of successful persuasion.”

Nadler also accused Republicans of trying to divert attention from the fact that “a much larger number of guns are in the hands of non-gang members. The guns in the hands of criminals are a tiny fraction of the total compared to the fraction owned by the general population. The purpose of the ‘red flag’ law is to give ordinary people the option to have police disarm a suicidal relative or friend. Most people don’t know that the number of suicides are almost double the number of murders. We should be focusing on the larger threat to life and not be misled by GOP manufactured hysteria over the lesser evil.”

Sanders Calls for “National Wealth Registry”

Democratic presidential contender Sen. Bernie Sanders (Vt) called for a “National Wealth Registry” to be established as part of his plan to “eliminate billionaires in America. Just as a registry of gun owners is necessary if we hope to confiscate privately owned firearms, a list of who is wealthy must be established so we can transfer this undeserved money to the government for redistribution.”

A key part of Sanders’ plan includes a ban on taking funds out of the country. “We’re not saying that those targeted for expropriation can’t leave,” he said. “But their money has to stay here so the government can put it to better use than the capitalistic profiteering and selfish greed that have been the primary activities of these social parasites.”

The Senator expressed confidence that “the expertise of the IRS and comprehensive surveillance by the NSA will interdict schemes to try to sneak money across the border. We will redirect ICE from the task of keeping people out to keeping people in until they have surrendered all their assets. The walls wrongly built to prevent the needy from claiming their fair share of America’s wealth will help ensure that the rich cannot abscond with what doesn’t rightly belong to them.”

In related news, Sanders called a poll finding showing that 51% of young voters fear that humanity could be wiped out in 15 years “excessively negative. I have long held that humans are the biggest threat to the planet of any species. I have done my part by not fathering any children, that I know of. If everyone had been as insightful and unselfish as me we wouldn’t have to fear the extinction of humanity. We’d be well on our way toward achieving it.”

Canada Launches Nationwide Manhunt

The appearance of posters asking “what if Islam is not a religion of peace?” has inspired authorities to launch a nationwide search for the person who plastered these posters in a variety of prominent public places. The postings are considered especially insidious because “many are posted too high for offended parties to easily rip down.”

The Alberta Muslim Public Affairs Council is working with the Royal Canadian Mounted Police “to try to apprehend the miscreant or miscreants who have done this dastardly deed,” said programs director Trent Daley. “They’re playing with fire. Muslims are very sensitive to comments that cast aspersions on their faith. The Quran explicitly commands Muslims to attack unbelievers who insult Islam.”

Social activist Jim Gurnett asserted that “questioning the tenets of Islam is a manifestation of pure hate that must never be tolerated. Christianity and Judaism have a long tradition of theological debate and disputation that has blinded members of these faiths from seeing the irreversible damage that a similar approach would inflict on Islam. The charm of Muslims is their unquestioning belief in the Quran. Their happiness is dependent on their absence of doubt. Disturbing this is cruel.”

Strathcona County councillor Brian Botterill characterized the posted question as “racist” and urged “anyone spotting one of the posters to contact the appropriate authorities. I know that strictly speaking, Muslims are not a race, per se. Perhaps the more accurate term for the poster might be ‘anti-Muslim,’ but that doesn’t have the same emotional impact that the term ‘racist’ has. If we are going to maximize hostility toward the poster we should not shy away from using the most scurrilous language on account of a fastidious devotion to accuracy.”

Schumer Declares: Transcript of Ukraine Call “Not Enough”

Convinced that President Trump would never agree to release a transcript of his July phone call with Ukraine’s President Zelensky, Sen. Charles Schumer (D-NY) was forced to change course when an unredacted copy landed on his desk this week.

“This document does not contain the incriminating evidence we anticipated,” the Senator complained. “We are not assuaged. Let me remind everyone that President Trump is known to have made dozens of phone calls everyday. In order to put this one phone call in context we will need to see transcripts of all the calls he has made or received since his election. Only then will the pattern of his criminal and tyrannical abuse of office be exposed to the scrutiny of the American voters.”

Schumer rejected objections that his call for transcripts would impede future presidents’ ability to conduct confidential conversations with world leaders, saying that “my request is limited to only this president and, possibly, any future Republican president. Democratic presidents have demonstrated that they can be trusted to engage in secret conversations without endangering the country, the Constitution, or our laws. We had nothing to fear when Obama was president and will have nothing to fear when Warren, Sanders, Biden or whoever wins the office in November 2020.”

In related news, Rep. Adam Schiff claimed an “ability to read between the lines of the transcript” where he says he discovered the phrases “give him an offer he can’t refuse,” “ it was Barzini all along,” and “leave the gun, take the cannoli.” “We have a mob boss as our president,” Schiff shrieked. “We’ve got to take this guy out for the good of the country. It’s the only way to preserve our democracy.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

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