Capitol Police Officers Suspended

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Acting Capitol Police Chief Yogananda Pittman announced the investigation of 35 members of the Capitol Police force and the suspension—with pay—for six of them for “their inappropriate actions during the January 6th insurrection attack on Congress.”

As an example, Pittman referenced a video showing Capitol Police Lt. Tarik Khalid Johnson wearing a red “Make America Great Again” hat while talking to several supporters of former President Trump. “Though Lt. Johnson contends he was just trying to maintain calm by seeming to be friendly and civil towards these domestic terrorists, I do not view his methods as being in accord with proper police tactics,” she said. “Our force was adequately armed during the incursion, but only one officer shot one intruder. If Lt. Johnson and others had followed his example dozens, maybe hundreds of enemies of the Party could have been eliminated on that day.”

Pittman explained the light penalty of suspension with pay was “appropriate. Since the main instigator of the attack was acquitted by his Republican co-conspirators in the US Senate, we can’t levy a sterner punishment for lesser criminals. I think the contrast between President Biden giving the Medal of Freedom to the officer who killed Ashli Babbit and the slap-on-the-wrist for these six deviant officers will be sufficient to guide the rest of the force toward acceptable behavior in the future.”

Despite the leniency toward some of its members the Capitol Police Labor Union cast a vote of no confidence in their leadership, including Pittman, who was elevated to acting chief on January 8th.

Senator Whines About Censure

Though he wasn’t one of the seven Republican senators who voted to convict former President Trump at his unconstitutional impeachment trial last week, Sen. John Thune (S. Dak) called the censure of some of those who did “one of the worst examples of ‘cancel culture’ I have ever seen.”

None of the censured senators was banned by Twitter or Facebook. None were doxxed. None were banned from appearing on media. All a motion of censure does is express disapproval of the actions of the person censured. It’s conceivable that this disapproval could cost the senators some votes at their next election, but each senator is still free to argue his or her case before the voters. They were not “unpersoned” as many conservative advocates have been in the real incidents of cancel-culture we have seen in recent years.

While he reluctantly acknowledged that these senators have not actually been “canceled.” Thune contended that “such open criticism by members of our own Party is unseemly. Senators are important members of society. It is not really the place of persons of lesser standing to besmirch highly placed members of the government that rules them, especially on the petty grounds that they disagree with these senators. We are serving the country and we deserve respect no matter what we do.”

Green New Deal Would Have Prevented Texas Power Failures

Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) says that “the power failures in Texas wouldn’t have occurred if we already had the Green New Deal in place. Over the past century an increasingly industrialized and consumer-oriented society has become more and more dependent upon the comfort and convenience provided by capitalistic exploitation of natural resources. The aim of the Green New Deal is to unchain the people from their reliance upon these comforts and conveniences.”

“If we were already living under the rules of the New Green Deal the cold and shivering that has shocked the residents of Texas would be the normal way of life,” the Congresswoman contended. “Before the industrial revolution raped nature in order to make things easier for humans life was hard. Discomfort was an everyday event. Hunger was always a looming threat. Under such conditions people lived simpler lives. Because many had essentially nothing but each other there was greater harmony among them. Because there was nothing to steal crime was basically nonexistent.”

“If people were rational they’d see the disaster that has befallen Texas as a warning to turn back from the selfish comforts of modern life,” she said. “Unfortunately, they have been deluded by four years of ‘make America great’ propaganda. This is why the government needs to compel everyone to take the rational course. Humans may suffer, but the planet will be saved.”

Gov Vows to Destroy Critic

As the horror of New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo’s mismanagement of the COVID pandemic in his state sinks in, fellow Democrats are demanding an investigation. State Assemblyman Ron Kim (D-Queens) vocally condemned Cuomo for mingling infected elders among nursing home residents throughout the state. Cuomo responded to this criticism by warning Kim “I will destroy you.”

Kim called the Governor’s threat “chilling. He reminded me that he won an Emmy for his role in fighting the COVID pandemic and that it was his word against mine—a giant vs. a pygmy. He professed himself undecided about whether to ‘disappear’ me or to trash my reputation. He claimed ‘the media love me. They see me as presidential material. If you don’t write a letter of apology and retract what you said about me what happens to you will be your own fault.’”

The fact is Cuomo ordered COVID-19 patients into elderly care facilities and barred staff from even testing them before entry. He barred nursing homes from sending COVID patients to the nearly empty naval hospital ship anchored outside Manhattan and the sprawling Javits Center field hospital that was given to New York by the Trump Administration—because, as Cuomo said, “sending patients there would’ve made Trump the hero of the story. That’s something both the media and I determined must not be allowed to happen, especially in an election year.”

Pelosi Conceals Evidence on Jan 6th Capitol Security Failures

Representatives Jim Jordan (R-OH), Devin Nunes (R-CA), Rodney Davis (R-IL) and James Comer (R-KY) sent a letter to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) asking a series of questions including “When then-Chief Sund made a request for National Guard support on Jan. 4, why was that request denied?”

Pelosi is refusing to answer any questions or share any information “with the traitors who enabled the insurrection. This is the time for the nation to be unified behind one shared narrative. Attempts to cast doubt about the decisions made by members of the Party are disunifying. I, for one, will not aid and abet our enemies.”

Though Pelosi couldn’t bring herself to approve National Guard help that might have prevented the January 6th riot, she now insists that troops in and barricades around the Capitol must stay in place until Fall. Rep. Lisa McClain (R-Mich) wants to know why. “It seems to me that continued deployment of troops at the Capitol is unnecessary and expensive,” McClain said. “Shouldn’t Congress be asked to approve an appropriation for the hundreds of millions it costs? The Speaker does not have the authority to approve such an expense all on her own.”

Pelosi rejected McClain’s questions as “impertinent and disloyal. Obedience is what is required at this time of grave national peril. Those who won’t abide by this requirement are being scrutinized and will be dealt with as I deem necessary.”

Dems Want to Kill Right-to-Work & Gig economy

Democrats in Congress are advancing the Protecting the Right to Organize (PRO) Act of 2021. If enacted, this bill would ban state right-to-work laws and severely curtail the “gig” economy. In right-to-work states workers are not required to be union members in order to be employed. The “gig” economy consists of individuals working as independent contractors.

Co-sponsor of the bill, House Committee on Education and Labor Chairman Robert Scott (D-VA) pointed out that “both the right-to-work and the ‘gig’ economy impede a union’s efforts to organize an employer’s workforce. Allowing people to work without belonging to a union undermines socialist solidarity by muddling the identities of the workforce. Our bill would simplify roles by clearly putting people into their proper class—either proletariat or bourgeoisie.”

Isabel Soto of the American Action Forum argued that “the so-called ‘right to organize’ is, in reality, a bid to make union membership compulsory and destroy an estimated 59 million independent contractors. It will reduce gross domestic output by as much as $30 billion per year.”

Scott was unmoved by Soto’s criticism, saying “just as I expected, the right-wing opponents of collectivism appeal to personal greed in their futile effort to thwart the transformation of this country from capitalism to socialism.”

Biden Ends Trump Industry Apprenticeship Program

The latest batch of Executive Orders signed by President Biden included one revoking the Industry-Recognized Apprenticeship Program (IRAP) established by President Trump in 2017. According to the Biden Administration “the problem with the Trump program is that it allowed trade and industry groups, companies, non-profit organizations, unions, and joint labor-management organizations to create their own apprenticeship programs that would help workers obtain the skills that the economy needed.”

Press Secretary Jen Psaki explained that “the narrow focus on developing job skills that enable the apprentices to proficiently perform the necessary tasks of their work is out-of-step with our vision of building back better. We think a larger role for the government is needed in order to ensure that social justice goals like racial diversity are vigorously pursued.”

Rep. Virginia Foxx (R-NC), the Ranking Member on the House Committee on Education and Labor, called Biden’s move “a step backward. Ending IRAPs will kill jobs. The notion that a grossly inefficient government bureaucracy can improve on a program that has been working successfully for nearly four years is ludicrous and irresponsible. Reintroducing the added layers of red-tape that stifled job training during the Obama Administration will hurt working people, businesses, consumers, and the economy.”

Psaki rebutted Foxx’s criticism, saying that “the mania for efficiency and prosperity that drove the policies of the Trump Administration is over. The new theme is ‘unity.’ Not everyone can be efficient. Prosperity is an excessively materialistic yardstick. The President believes that the inept, indolent, and stupid must be allowed an appropriate place in our newly unified America. Government regulation is the perfect tool for accomplishing this.”

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Only 29 Percent Think 2020 Elections Will Be Fair

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

According to a poll conducted by the Public Affairs Council, only 29 percent of voters think the November elections will be conducted fairly. Public Affairs Council President Doug Pinkham said “we’ve never seen an American election with so much doubt about whether the results will reflect the will of the voters.” Oddly, similar doubts expressed by President Trump spurred Democrat and media outrage. They contend that Trump’s doubts are evidence of his opposition to democracy.

It’s not as if there isn’t any evidence supporting concerns about the integrity of the upcoming elections. While FBI Director Christopher Wray may be unable to see any worrying indications that this year’s elections might not be as honest as they should be, disturbing reports abound. A few of those recently reported are shown below.

In Texas, a vote-harvesting scheme during the state’s 2018 primary election found corrupt Democratic Party officials arrange to have ineligible people mailed absentee ballots. A grand jury indicted County Commissioner Shannon Brown Marlena Jackson, Charlie Burns and DeWayne Ward on 134-counts of fraud.

In Virginia, 1,400 voters received more than one vote-by-mail ballot. Fairfax County Registrar Gary Scott blamed a printing malfunction: “instead of just reprinting the mailing labels mangled by the machinery, election workers inadvertently used the salvageable ones from the mangled sheet plus a total reprint of the whole sheet.” While he called the mishap “an honest mistake,” he admitted that “the duplicates could be used by an unscrupulous person to cast additional ballots.”

In California, thousands of vote-by-mail ballots were found in a garbage dumpster in Petaluma. In Pennsylvania, nine mail-in ballots for Trump were found in the trash. In Wisconsin, trays of mail including absentee ballots were found in a ditch. A Public Interest Legal Foundation voter roll study found 350,000 deceased voters still registered as eligible to vote, 38,000 duplicate registrations, and 34,000 votes cast from addresses different from those on their voter registrations.

Despite this evidence, MSNBC’s Chuck Todd alleges that “vote by mail fraud is a made up story.” CNN’s Alisyn Camerota called the evidence “mere hiccups in a democracy as large as ours is. The fact of the matter is that the country is pretty evenly split between the major Parties. The actual margin of victory is likely to be very thin. Making a big deal over who comes out on top and whether duplicate or ineligible votes were cast seems overblown. Either way, the country is going to get a president that roughly half the voters voted against.”

Schiff Advises Republicans to Ditch Trump

House Intelligence Committee Chairman Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) advised Republicans “to disassociate themselves from the Trump Administration lest they go down with the ship. The whole world is against Trump. He can’t survive the November elections. Members of his Party who resign now may be spared the wrath that awaits Trump bitter-enders next January. As I see it, their basic choice is resignation now or incarceration later.”

Schiff dismissed Trump’s concerns about vote irregularities, saying that “irregularities have been part of the process since the beginning of elections in this country. If Trump had been in politics as long as the rest of us have he would have a better understanding about how things have worked over the decades and centuries. Other, more experienced Republicans are hip to how elections work. I suggest these elder statesmen reassert control over their Party. Since the days of FDR Republicans have done very well as the minority Party. Salvaging that long-term role would be better than being annihilated, which is where they’re headed by staying loyal to Trump.”

Dems Warns Against Filling Court Vacancy

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) warned Trump to not fill the Supreme Court vacancy left by the death of long-serving Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg. She went on to ironically claim that “the appointment of a successor who does not share the same perspective on abortion rights will signal that the Republicans are coming after our children.”

The reality is that during her time on the Court Ginsburg was a staunch opponent of any limitations on abortion. She helped steer the Court to strike down many state statutes that sought to limit the carnage wrought against the tiniest humans. Her replacement by almost anyone else would seem to make the womb a much less dangerous place. Making the womb a less dangerous place was the motivation for President Trump to sign an executive order banning the murder of babies who survive an attempted abortion.

Pelosi questioned Trump’s sincerity, asserting that “the only reason he wants to save these unwanted lives is to win votes. Remember, before he ran for president he, like most New Yorkers, was pro-choice. We already have the Born-Alive Infants Protection Act that was enacted by Congress and signed into law by President Bush in 2002. Why do we now need an Executive Order?”

Perhaps we need the Executive Order because the 2002 law is widely ignored. Last year, Gov. Ralph Northam (D-Va) admitted that the law is not enforced in his state. “The normal practice is for the aborting doctors to simply allow babies to die if they were erroneously born in an attempted abortion,” he said. “The key words that allow us to ignore the law are ‘born alive.’ The survivor of an abortion is, in our view, not properly ‘born.’ It is merely a result of a botched medical procedure. Trump’s Executive Order has the same defect. Consequently, we hold that neither the 2002 Law nor the recent Executive Order can be used to compel life-saving interventions to be performed. For the feds to try to enforce either would be the most blatant trampling of Virginia’s state’s rights since Lincoln was president.”

Biden Boasts: “I Beat the Socialist”

Democratic presidential nominee former Vice-President Joe Biden rebuffed charges that his proposed policies are “socialist” by pointing out that “I beat the socialist in the primary. After my South Carolina primary win drove all the other candidates from the race it was one-on-one between me and Bernie. I whipped him good.”

You know, never once have I read the term socialist or socialism off the teleprompter I use to make my campaign speeches and answer interview questions,” the Candidate recalled. “I think the absence of those words pretty definitively proves I’m not a socialist. As for the allegation that I am stealing Bernie’s ideas that’s malarkey. When you win you are entitled to the spoils of war. Cadging his ideas and forcing him to be my campaign adviser shows the American voters who is the boss. It’s my greatest coup since I stole Neil Kinnock’s life story for my 1988 presidential campaign.”

In related news, Biden unveiled what he called “a simpler and more hip Pledge of Allegiance. It goes ‘I pledge allegiance to the United States of America, one nation, indivisible, under God, for real.’ It’s shorter and cuts out that conditional stuff committing the nation to liberty and justice for all. A democracy shouldn’t have permanent values. Each generation of voters has the right to define the purposes of their government. Liberty may be of little worth to someone still harboring grievances for what happened to his ancestors and justice is in the eye of the beholder.”

Whether there will be any Americans alive to recite his new Pledge has the Candidate very worried. “This year alone over 150 million Americans have been shot to death,” Biden said. “And another 200 million could be dead of the COVID virus before the end of the year. The only upside to these tragedies is that social distancing will be optimally attained.”

Harris Re-Imagines Public Safety

Democratic Vice Presidential nominee Sen. Kamala Harris (Calif) contends that “the idea that calling on police to keep our communities safe is necessary or proper is out-dated. It is founded on the idea that force must be met by counter-force to keep criminals from victimizing the innocent. If we use a more progressive way of thinking the first thing we realize is that no one is innocent. A person who appears to be the victim of a criminal may have had ancestors who committed crimes against the ancestors of today’s apparent criminal. What Republicans call a crime may be just retribution for the earlier transgression.”

I my mind, the majority of the violence in encounters with so-called criminals arises when the so-called victim resists just retribution,” Harris said. “Who’s to say that the money demanded isn’t more rightfully the property of the person making the request? Who’s to say that the sex sought by the so-called rapist isn’t fully deserved? Once we open our minds to these and similar possibilities we can understand that there may be better ways to achieve public safety than having police intervene.”

In a Harris-Biden Administration our focus will be directed toward mediation of disagreements that are currently categorized as ‘crimes,’” the Candidate promised. “Persons currently stigmatized as ‘criminals’ for demanding something that the so-called victim would rather not provide will be rescued and uplifted by our Administration in much the same way that persons who disdained to be self-supporting were succored by President Johnson’s Great Society program that provided government housing, food stamps, and cash income. Once the segment of society that now has to take independent action to get what they want knows that the government is on their side their need to prey directly on others will subside.”

A possible preview of a re-imagined public safety paradigm is being tried out in Seattle where the City is paying former pimp Andrè Taylor $150,000 a year to work as a “street czar” and come up with alternatives to relying on police to keep order. Taylor says his “past experiences dealing with lawbreakers make me the perfect guy to negotiate a truce among the gangs. I figure if we give each gang a fair share of the action most of the bloodshed can be eliminated. The cops could never accomplish this.”

Meanwhile, New York Attorney General Letitia James (D) has a plan for reducing the violent confrontations between cops and criminals that often leads to someone getting killed. “It seems to me that if we eliminate traffic stops the killings will also stop,” James observed. “Basically, once a suspect is in his car, the cops should let him get away. This would end deadly car chases and avoid the shootouts that often occur once the suspect’s car is caught or disabled.” James says that “we should rely more on social pressure and guilty consciences to persuade suspects to give themselves up in a peaceable manner.”

Bloomberg Launches Vote-Buying Scheme

Desperate to block President Trump’s reelection, former Democratic presidential candidate and New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg has decided to pay the monetary penalties of Florida’s convicted felons so they can vote for Joe Biden. “When the Florida Court ruled that sentence completion included paying monetary restitution to the victims of their crimes I knew I had to step in if the Democratic Party hoped to turn these potential voters into actual voters,” Bloomberg said. “I have billions to spare for a good cause and this is as good a cause as I can think of.”

Florida Attorney General Ashley Moody contends that “Bloomberg’s plan violates Florida’s statute against paying for votes” and has asked the Florida Department of Law Enforcement and the FBI to initiate a criminal investigation of the scheme. House Judiciary Committee member Matt Gaetz (R-Fla) characterized Bloomberg’s ploy as “bribing people to vote a certain way.”

Bloomberg denied that he “is buying votes or bribing felons to vote a certain way. I have no means of compelling the recipients of my generosity to even cast a vote. My money merely wipes out their legal obligations under the state’s laws. In many cases this relieves them of tens of thousands of dollars in debt. They can then return the favor by voting Democrat and swing Florida’s electoral votes to the Biden-Harris ticket, but there is no enforceable quid-pro-quo, so there is no crime on my part.”

Bloomberg further insisted that his action “is a necessary counter to Trump’s efforts to steal black votes from Democrats. Every other Republican has had the decency to respect the Democratic Party’s ownership of the black vote. But Trump has stepped over the line with his opportunity zone districts, support of historically black colleges, and prison reform. His economic policies drove black unemployment rates to historic lows. These actions on his part have caused many blacks to rethink their loyalty to the Democratic Party. My bid to shore up the black felon vote for Democrats is payback for Trump’s invasion of our territory.”

Dem Pushes Anti-Ballot-Harvesting Law

Concerned that ballot-harvesting poses a real threat to the integrity of elections, Rep. Tulsi Gabbard (D-Hawaii) is cosponsoring HR8285, the Election Fraud Prevention Act. This legislation calls for withholding federal funds from states that refuse to ban ballot-harvesting.

Look, ballot-harvesting breaks the chain of custody of ballots,” Gabbard pointed out. “When voters cast their ballots at the polls they show an ID and sign a registry. When voters send their ballots through the mail, no one touches them except postal workers. But where ballot-harvesting is allowed sleazy political operatives target vulnerable voters in their homes and collect their ballots. Once a ballot is in their hands it can be manipulated however they like. Just as the chain of custody for evidence of a crime must be secure to ensure that the evidence is not tampered with, so too must the chain of custody for ballots be secure.”

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) vowed to prevent Gabbard’s bill “from ever getting to the floor of the House. If you actually read her bill you will see that it is cosponsored by Rep. Rodney Davis (R-Ill). As far as I’m concerned, Tulsi’s collaborating with the enemy renders this proposal unacceptable. If she hopes to get along with me she must go along with me and vote the way we want her to vote rather than conspiring to undermine our Party’s quest for power.”

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Harris Wants Durham Investigation Put off

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Democratic vice-presidential candidate Sen. Kamala Harris (Calif) thinks “it is improper for persons actively engaged in running for office to be investigated while the voting is underway. In fact, I believe there is something in the Constitution that prohibits any incumbent office holder, of which I am one, from being held to account for any statement or action carried out while in office. This makes the Durham investigation especially problematic because many of the primary suspects either are or were acting at the behest of Democratic public officials. And any release of information prior to November third risks biasing the voters against that Party.”

“In my mind, the only acceptable way to handle such a sensitive issue is to wait until voters choose the next president,” Harris argued. “Then the person elected as president will have a mandate to determine whether to go forward with any further inquiries or to terminate them. There is no need to complicate an already weighty decision by introducing evidence that may well be throw out by a Harris-Biden Administration.”

“The good of the country must come ahead of any abstract notions of blind justice,” Harris added. “It will be hard for the people to unite behind us if premature revelations tarnish the character or credibility of past, present, or future Democratic leaders. And as Joe has said many times, nothing tops unity when it comes to governing a nation as diverse as ours. It is better to be unified behind a bad plan than to be constantly bickering over competing alternatives.”

In related news, Sen. Mitt Romney (R-Ut) endorsed Harris” position, saying “it is unseemly for the government to be investigating any public servant. On the one hand, those carrying out the orders of those above them are merely loyal aides who should be exempt from scrutiny for merely following the orders of a superior. On the other hand, the superiors giving the orders must have as wide a degree of action as is humanly possible so that what is best will not be stymied by rigid adherence to out-dated moral or legal scruples.”

Schumer Wants Taxpayers to Fund Broadway

Citing the $15 billion that Broadway show businesses contribute to the New York economy each year, Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) wants the federal government to dip into the pockets of taxpayers “to make up for the losses that ensued after we ordered these businesses shut down due to the COVID menace.”

The Senator maintains that “now is no time to argue over whether the shutdowns were necessary. What’s already been done cannot be undone. Neither is simply allowing these businesses to decide whether it is safe enough for them to reopen their doors. The idea that a largely ignorant sector comprised of businesses and their customers should be free to make their own determination of what is or isn’t safe is irresponsible. It is for us in government to make such a determination and apply it to everyone everywhere.”

“By having the federal government replace some of the revenues the Broadway businesses could have earned from paying customers we can provide an income for the currently idle 100,000 Broadway employees,” the Senator pointed out. “That way this world famous icon of the New York City urban lifestyle can be preserved. I know critics will balk at compelling people who never had or wanted an opportunity to see a Broadway play to support this industry. They will say that it is unfair. But I say the world needs culture and it is government’s role to see that it gets it.”

Biden’s Town Hall Adventure

Democratic presidential candidate former Vice-President Joe Biden told CNN’s Anderson Cooper and town hall viewers that “China is not our enemy. If they were they wouldn’t have given my son a billion-dollar deal. I’ll grant you that China hasn’t been a perfect global citizen. From time to time they’ve stolen our technology. And every deadly respiratory virus seems to emanate from there. But these are all minor flaws—mistakes and bad luck that could’ve happened to anyone.”

In a response to a potato farmer’s question about why there are so many unnecessary regulations impeding her work, Biden advised the woman to “get a job hauling chicken manure. You get out from the stress and aggravation of running your own business. You’ll meet a lot of interesting people at truck stops all across the land. You also can join the truckers’ union, which will provide a lot of benefits plus the security of knowing you are part of a larger collective that will get prime service from a Harris-Biden Administration.”

Biden then segued into a declaration that “my advisers now tell me that I can mandate a nationwide mask requirement for our national parks. I think this would set a good example for other government authorities to emulate. If the nation’s president is willing to order everyone visiting our parks to wear a mask at all times people will know they have a president who means business. Coupled with hefty fines I will impose people will be brought into line with what the scientists have all been recommending for months.”

The Candidate went on to belittle objections to the stringent lockdowns imposed in many states and cities, calling them “sick. These intrusions on civil liberties are a small price to pay for the security of knowing you won’t get sick if you obey the directives. Trump’s refusal to make universal lockdowns a federal policy was totally irresponsible and close to criminal. In fact, if Trump had instituted a total nationwide lockdown all those who subsequently died from COVID would be alive today. So, we will be looking into prosecuting Trump and all his enablers once we’ve taken over in Washington.”

Biden also insisted that his campaign app that exposed personal data on 191 million Americans “proves that mine will be the most transparent administration in this country’s history. By the time I’m done everyone will be able to find out everything about anybody. No one will have secrets they can conceal. We’ll all be one big happy family.”

In related news, Joe Biden’s wife Jill says “voting for my husband will make the pandemic go away. The whole reason we’re making it a big issue now is to win the election. Once that goal is achieved there’ll be no reason to continue belaboring the issue. Trump will be gone and things can return to the way they were when President Obama ruled America.”

20 Percent of Millennials Say Jews Caused Holocaust

A survey of Millennials and Generation Z residing in New York told pollsters that Jews caused the Holocaust. This is despite the voluminous pile of evidence confirming that it was the Jews who were victimized by the Nazis in history’s most horrific persecution of a religious/ethnic minority. Unsurprisingly, 60% of these ignoramuses were also unaware that six million Jews were murdered by this criminal German regime.

Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-Minn) urged that “we should not be so quick to blame these youngsters. The Quran warns us that Jews are the most devious and deceitful creatures on Earth. No one has proved to my satisfaction that the Holocaust was not a hoax or that the claimed death toll wasn’t outrageously exaggerated. Maybe the thousands of Jews killed by the Allied bombing attacks were blamed on the Germans to deflect responsibility for that American war crime.”

“I think we need to keep an open mind about events that have been heavily propagandized by the western powers, particularly the United States,” Omar said. “Fortunately, polls in Europe, the United States, and other parts of the world show that a growing percentage of people are becoming more skeptical about the fantastic claims made by the Jewish apologists. I look forward to the day when a truly progressive transformation of the American government can cut through all the Jewish lies and expose the real truth about who is really behind all the evil and tragic events in the world.”

Fellow “Squad” member Rep. Alexandria Ocasio Cortez (D-NY) stood by her pal Omar and emphasized “the importance of electing the Harris-Biden team in November. Senator Harris is the most progressive senator in Congress and Vice-President Biden is so weak that it will be child’s play to bend him to our will. This election is our best opportunity yet to impose an impregnable progressive power structure on top of a faltering white supremacy.”

Meanwhile, in a smear campaign emulating the style of the Nazi newspaper Der Stürmer, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s House Majority PAC put out a political mailer portraying Republican candidate for New Jersey’s third congressional district David Richter as a money grubber with a digitally altered photo showing wads of cash sticking out of every pocket in his suit jacket. Brad Komar, the House Majority PAC Independent Expenditure director called the resemblance to Nazi anti-Jewish propaganda “unfortunate. We are targeting his greed, not his religion. The fact that Richter is a Jew is just a coincidence.”

Nashville Mayor Hid COVID Data

Leaked internal emails show that Nashville Mayor John Cooper’s administration purposely concealed data indicating that bars and restaurants are not a major source of the spread of COVID in the City. This reality conflicts with the Mayor’s insistence that severe restrictions on how many customers bars and restaurants may serve must stay in place.

Cooper maintains that “I had very good reasons for what we did. First of all, alcohol consumption is bad for your health. Anything that makes it harder to imbibe alcohol improves public health. Second, allowing bars to return to normal would excessively stimulate the City’s economy at a time when such stimulation would tend to bolster Trump’s chances of reelection. With less than two months to go until election day it would be foolish to let up the pressure by letting on that bars and restaurants aren’t as risky as we have everyone believing.”

“Finally, let me point out that I am not the ‘Lone Ranger’ on this,” Cooper said. “Democratic mayors and governors all across the country have done something very similar. All of us pulling together against a common enemy is the kind of unity needed to ensure that the right people keep control over the obstreperous behavior of those among us who put individual freedom ahead of social cohesion. Our objective is too important to let failure be an option. We will achieve our goal by whatever means necessary.”

China Says US Trade Policy “Naked Act of Bullying”

A spokesman for the Chinese Foreign Ministry protested the US ban on products produced by slave labor calling it “a naked act of bullying.” The U.S. Policy places limits on importing cotton, apparel, hair products, and other goods from companies reasonably believed to be engaging in slave labor in China.

The US restrictions were in response to reports that Xinjiang, China’s westernmost province, is home to over 1,000 concentration camps where as many as 3 million Muslims are imprisoned and forced to produce the cited merchandise. The reports also contain tales of indoctrination, torture, rape, forced sterilization, and slavery.

Chinese Foreign Ministry spokesman Wang Wenbin characterized the US policy as “interfering with our internal affairs. How our people are housed and employed is a matter for our discretion. The US has no right to impose decadent western notions of individualism and freedom on other countries. Such actions will only strengthen the hand of the hard-liners in China who want war with the United States. It is our advice that America voluntarily and peacefully yield to our demands before we are compelled to use force to achieve our goal of global hegemony.”

Trump’s Mid-East Deals Upend Decades of Failed US Foreign Policy

Defying expert predictions that it couldn’t be done, President Trump’s Administration has brokered peace treaties between Israel, the United Arab Emirates, and Bahrain. Several other countries including Saudi Arabia are expected to sign similar treaties with Israel in the next few months.

Former Obama Administration CIA Director John Brennan called the treaties “a wrong turn on a long and winding road. It has always been considered that peace in the region cannot be attained without the consent of the Palestinians. President Clinton knew that. President Bush knew that. President Obama knew that. The Palestinians’ refusal to agree to anything—even acceding to their every demand—has blocked any positive progress for decades. I don’t see how an inexperienced and ignorant Donald Trump can change that no matter how many Muslim countries sign on to these peace treaties with Israel.”

Jared Kushner, who has been the Trump Administration’s point man in negotiating these treaties, said “the people of this region are tired of war. They are not going to be content to be continually denied peace by allowing the fanatics who control the Gaza strip to veto every effort to normalize relationships between their countries and Israel. These deals are a real breakthrough. It should not be surprising that President Trump has been nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize for accomplishing them.”

Minneapolis Leaders Say “Police Being Obtuse”

Minneapolis Council President Lisa Bender expressed her dismay at the lack of adequate law enforcement in the City. “I know we reduced their budget and told them to ‘stand down’ when protests turned into riots and looting, but we didn’t expect things to get so bad,” she lamented. “I think it’s a case of them being purposely obtuse. Their place in the pecking order is below us. It’s their job to make us look good.”

“What they are intentionally misunderstanding is that most of what we said about defunding, disciplining, and prosecuting cops was to shore up our support among the progressive political segment of the voting population,” Bender explained. “Yes, we made the police the scapegoats for everything that goes wrong in a confrontation with violent offenders, but it is their job to take the blame if that’s what we want. They answer to us. We still expect them to have a sense of duty that impels them to serve and protect. This means putting their careers and lives on the line on a daily basis. When we need to cash in on this sense of duty they owe it to us to make the sacrifice that will deflect criticism away from the City Council so we can continue to rule the City.”

Police Chief Medaria Arradondo said he will “look into the issues raised by the Council, but I’m not sure I can sell the members of the police force on the idea that they’re all supposed to be the Council’s whipping boys as a matter of political obligation. As I now understand it, the Council’s ‘stand down’ order apparently means ‘bend over and take it.’ I predict there will be more retirements and resignations from the force and more crime in the streets. That sounds like a bad thing to me, but what do I know. I’m just a cop.”

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

 

Biden Campaign Touts Innovation

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Caught handing out canned questions for audience members to ask the candidate and feeding the answers to him over a teleprompter, Biden spokesman TJ Ducklo defended these strategies calling them “a new innovation in how every candidate will campaign in the future. Trump is just jealous because he didn’t think of this first. Now watch and see him copy us.”

Ducklo explained that “handing out pre-screened questions and feeding the answers to the candidate via teleprompter is so perfect that we’re surprised no one else had done it before we did. Allowing audience members or the press to ask whatever questions they want risks diverting the candidate from his message. Likewise, relying on the candidate to concoct an off-the-cuff response to an unexpected question could result in a ‘misspoke’ moment. Our new approach eliminates those problems.”

This innovative strategy may be less successful than Ducklo imagines. The optics of trying to script Biden’s “meet the people” events has raised some eyebrows. Purporting to want to hear from and represent the people of America while expecting both the people and the candidate to parrot the words written for them by the campaign staff undermines Biden’s notion that he is a genuine “tribune of the people.” It also cannot guarantee against Biden’s notorious ability to screw up. This week, reading off a teleprompter, Biden excoriated Trump for “raising the cost of prescription jugs,” and called it “especially cruel toward transgender women.”

In related news, Ducklo also denied that Biden was ever against President Trump’s travel bans aimed at slowing the spread of the Coronavirus. “I know Joe originally called the ban xenophobic and racist,” Ducklo said. “But those words were just for public consumption. It has always been Joe’s view that unconstrained importation of people from China would turn America into a racial jungle. When Joe is president he will impose travel bans quicker and they will be more systemic than anything Trump could ever conceive of.”

CNN’s Cuomo Defends Coaching Interviewee

This week a video of CNN’s talking head Chris Cuomo coaching former Trump lawyer Michael Cohen on what answers he should give in the actual on-air “interview” fell into the hands of FoxNews’ Tucker Carlson. Carlson criticized Cuomo for “manufacturing a scripted drama written to benefit the Democratic Party. Cuomo told Cohen to use the word ‘shady’ to describe Trump’s dealings and to dodge questions about his role in the non-disclosure payment to Stormy Daniels.”

Cuomo defended his actions, calling them “cutting edge advances in how all political interviews will be conducted in the future. We’ve seen how the Biden campaign has broken new ground in how to assure that the right message is conveyed in simulated spontaneous interactions between the Candidate and the media or campaign rally audience members. Rather than have the repulsive, yet useful, Michael Cohen wander off into the weeds on live TV, I took the proactive step needed to ensure mission success.”

California Reaps Whirlwind

With vast swaths of his state on fire, thousands of homes burned, and millions suffering from chronic power outages one might think that Gov. Gavin Newsom (D) would be second guessing some of his Party’s policies. That would be the sane and honest thing to do. Instead, Newsom insists that the fault lies elsewhere.

In a crusade to end global climate change, California Democrats have enacted strict regulations on viable methods of generating electricity and mandated a massive dependence on unreliable wind and solar energy production. They have also restricted the traditional forest maintenance activities intended to clear out the brush and deadwood that fuel major conflagrations. Now an eerie orange glow pervades the night in the northern half of the state and smoke pollutes the air of all the states within a thousand miles of California.

According to Newsom, though, “it’s all Trump’s fault. His refusal to ban fossil fuels has put the onus on those of us who care about the environment to undertake heroic efforts against great odds to save the planet. He wouldn’t order every household to switch from air conditioning to a more natural reliance on the human body’s evap-cooling system. Our ancestors conquered an entire continent without the aid of air conditioning. Trump’s unwillingness to recapture that triumph endangers us all.”

“Trump’s lame excuse is that his policy is more in tune with what American citizens want,” Newsom asserted. “That’s not leadership. It is the duty of those of us elected to govern to actually govern. Sometimes this requires that the will of the electorate be overridden by those of us who are given a mandate to rule for the good of the entire planet. Ideally, this rule would emanate from the nation’s capital. If Democrats are successful in the November elections this ideal may well be attained and California will be recognized as a model for the rest of the country to follow.”

Dems: “Trump Wrongly Headed Off COVID Panic”

A so-called big revelation in Bob Woodward’s book on Trump was his admission that he tried to head off a panic reaction to the Coronavirus. Democrats across the board say this was wrong and costed lives.

Gov. Andrew Cuomo (NY) attributed his state’s extraordinarily high COVID death rate to “Trump’s efforts to maintain calm. Sometimes panic is the appropriate response to a crisis. If I hadn’t panicked and demanded all the extra ventilators that I thought would be needed, would there have been any chance that Trump would have delivered them? When it turned out we didn’t need these extra ventilators I was able to earn some political capital by sharing them with other states. Then by sending COVID patients into nursing homes we were able to collect the federal bounties paid for each COVID death. As a result, the State of New York ended up in better fiscal shape than we would’ve been if I hadn’t panicked.”

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (Calif), who was urging everyone to visit San Francisco’s Chinatown at the same time that President Trump was trying to avert widespread panic, nevertheless characterized Trump’s efforts “cruel and misguided. To try to compare what I did with what he did is unconscionable. I was arguing against racism and xenophobia. Trump was withholding the truth that COVID is the worst disease to ever strike America. If people had panicked like I did they would have stocked up on their favorite ice cream before all the stores ran out of it. So, in this sense Trump did the nation a great disservice by urging calm.”

Democratic presidential contender former Vice-President Joe Biden called Trump’s effort to avert a panic “criminal. On top of that he did absolutely nothing to try to abate the pandemic or treat its victims.” After a brief pause Biden admitted that Trump “did send medical aid to every state that asked for it. He sent military hospital ships to New York and California. And he accelerated vaccine development. But he didn’t do the big stuff by ordering everyone to wear masks or to shutdown all nonessential activities like businesses and churches. He left those decisions to each state’s governor. My administration will be completely different. That is my promise to voters.”

An unrelated disclosure in Woodward’s book was that Trump’s first Secretary of Defense General James Mattis tried to enlist Trump’s first Director of National Intelligence Dan Coats in a plot to oust Trump from the presidency. This scheme was pronounced “perfectly understandable and justifiable” by Rep. Adam Schiff (D), Chairman of the House Permanent Select Committee on Intelligence. “It is a shame that this extraordinarily patriotic effort to save the country from the depredations of the tyrannical Trump failed to be implemented. As a result, we now see Trump denouncing the military-industrial complex that is vital to maintaining world peace.”

Prof Says Murder Justified

The murder of Patriot Prayer supporter Aaron “Jay” Danielson by Antifa supporter Michael Reinoehl on August 29 in Portland was declared justified by University of Rhode Island Professor Erik Loomis. “The victim’s advocacy of prayer and his apparent approval of the Trump Administration is enough to warrant his elimination by any social justice warrior,” Loomis said.

Loomis contended that “Reinoehl’s shooting of Danielson was a tactical error, not a moral one. Opposition to what Antifa is trying to achieve in cities like Portland is clearly fascist. Fascists have no right to live. The great tragedy is that Reinoehl was himself hunted down and killed by police.” Loomis predicted that “Reinhoehl will become the Horst Wessel of America’s Antifa movement.”

George Washington University law professor Jonathan Turley’s criticism of Loomis’ dehumanization of those who hold different political opinions inspired Loomis to declare Turley “a disgusting human being.” Logically, I guess this would mean that the murder of Turley by a social justice warrior would also be “justifiable.”

Harris Criticizes Biden

A photo that appeared in CNN’s “Fight for the White House: Joe Biden’s Long Journey,” showed Biden and his son at a Redskins’ football game during the 1970s. His vice-presidential running mate sought to distance herself from what she called “an extremely upsetting demonstration of racial insensitivity on so many levels.”

“First, there is the egregious exploitation of Native Americans,” Harris charged. “Using these noble savages as a team ‘mascot’ insults their culture. I am shocked that Joe would be a fan of this team and that he would expose his young son to such filth. It is no wonder that Hunter went so far astray from progressive values in his multi-million dollar business dealings.”

“Second, professional football itself is a degrading activity,” Harris added. “Here we have mostly black athletes put through grueling torture for the amusement of mostly white spectators. It’s like slavery never ended. It troubles me that Joe was so indifferent to the systemic injustice of this sport.”

Harris says she “will bring these issues up with Joe after we are elected. If I see no change of heart or sincere remorse I will seek to invoke the 25th Amendment process for removing an unfit president.”

Nevada Gov Tries to Block Trump Rallies

President Trump’s planned weekend campaign rallies in Reno and Las Vegas were ordered cancelled Gov. Steve Sisolak (D).

Sisolak boasted of “this ingenious method for neutralizing Trump’s ability to directly connect with voters. On the surface, it looks like a simple health rule. But when we look at the contrasting campaign strategies, this even-handed regulation hog-ties Trump without having any negative impact on the Biden campaign. All the Biden events I’ve seen are attended by well under 50 people including aides and staff. So he will not be harmed by the application of a crowd-size limit.”

Sisolak went on to urge other governors to take similar actions, saying “twenty-three other states have Democratic governors. If each of them were to enforce such a 50-person maximum Trump’s chances of winning in November would be sunk.”

Trump is said to have re-branded his rallies as “protests, since these seem to be exempt from all COVID regulations. Luckily, our protests won’t result in any looting, rioting, arson, or murder. We’ll be protesting those things while sharing our love of America and our efforts to make it greater.”

Trump Nominated for Nobel Prizes

This week, President Trump received two nominations for a Nobel Prize.

First, Christian Tybring-Gjedde, a member of the Norwegian Parliament and chairman of the NATO Parliamentary Assembly, nominated him for helping broker a peace deal between Israel and the United Arab Emirates. “I think he has done more trying to create peace between nations than most other Peace Prize nominees have,” Tybring-Gjedde said. “I expect other Middle Eastern countries will follow in the footsteps of the UAE. This agreement could be a game-changer that will turn the Middle East into a region of cooperation and prosperity.”

Second, Magnus Jacobson a member of the Swedish Parliament for the Christian Democrats party nominated “the US Government and the governments of Kosovo and Serbia for their joint work for peace and economic development, through the cooperation agreement signed in the White House. Trade and communications are important building blocks for peace.”

These nominations did not impress either member of the Democratic national ticket. Presidential candidate Joe Biden sniffed at the nominations, pointing out that “my good friend Barack Obama got a peace prize without having to do anything. He didn’t have to mediate any conflicts. He didn’t have to get long-term enemies to reconcile. He got the prize because of the magnificent human being he is, not because of anything he’s done.”

Vice-Presidential candidate Kamala Harris observed that “Trump was nominated by whites for an award that is given out by the extremely while country of Norway. If Trump wins the prize it will be just another example of white privilege in action.”

Senate Dems Kill COVID Relief Bill

The unity of Senate Democrats allowed the minority party to prevent a COVID relief package from being debated. Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) cited “the inclusion of a ‘poison pill” for his Party’s filibuster. The “poison pill” is allowing parents to choose the school their children will attend.

“The Republicans know that there is no way a Democrat could vote to permit school choice,” Schumer fumed. “The whole reason why we have public schools is because parents aren’t fit to decide where or how their children should be educated. In states where school choice is permitted, segments of the school-aged population are sent to horrible places where disreputable ideas like speaking favorably about religion and capitalism are rife.”

“Another factor which makes school choice especially dangerous is that in several states where the public schools are still closed, private schools are open,” Schumer complained. “Desperate parents will be tempted to choose to send their children to these places where their minds will be warped by misinformation and dissident political perspectives. It it better that the children remain ignorant than that they be subjected to the kind of brainwashing they’d get in these institutions.”

Michigan Gov Builds a Wall

While Gov. Gretchen Whitmer has frequently scoffed at President Trump’s faith that a wall could protect the United States from being infiltrated by illegal immigrants, drugs and terrorists, she has authorized the expenditure of over a million dollars to build a wall around her residence.

Reminded of the seeming inconsistency between her words and deeds, the Governor contended that “the two cases are completely different. Trump’s wall aims to block people who love America and want to share in the American dream from exercising their human right to live wherever they wish. My wall is necessary to protect me from anyone who might seek to harm me.”

“I have had to make many hard decisions over these past six months,” Whitmer explained. “I’ve ordered schools and businesses to be closed. I’ve had to watch as people’s livelihoods were stripped from them. I’ve seen people who venture out from their homes without wearing masks endanger the rest of us on a routine basis despite my constant hectoring and threats. Now, many in the state call me a tyrant. If this is what they truly believe then my safety is endangered.”

“When times are tough, rulers have to do unpleasant things,” she added. “Ensuring that there is a substantial barrier between the ruler and the ruled is my right. Investing a mere million dollars in state funds to secure this right is only common sense.”

In a related story of separation of the rulers from the ruled, in San Francisco all the private gyms have been closed by government decree due to the pandemic. However, it turns out that gyms inside government buildings have been allowed to stay open. Mayor London Breed attempted to justify this unequal treatment by pointing out that “private gyms were declared nonessential. They had to be shutdown to stem the spread of COVID. Government was declared an essential activity that must remain operating at all times. The gyms in the government buildings had to stay open to ensure that essential government employees could maintain their health and fitness.”

Preferring Trump Economy Is Selfish”

Princeton Professor Eddie Glaude warned viewers of MSNBC’s Morning Joe show not to allow selfishness to lure them into voting for Trump. “I know a lot of you are tempted to place your own prosperity ahead of social justice and vote for Trump’s reelection,” Glaude said. “Well, DON’T DO IT!”

“Granted, Trump’s economic policies of deregulation and tax cuts have helped spur a booming economy,” the Professor admitted. “Unemployment was at historic lows for minorities before the pandemic and the lockdowns hit. Likewise, stock prices have rallied back to where they were in January—enriching every person who has an IRA or 401k investment portfolio. The easy path would be to reelect Trump hoping to keep this momentum going, but that would be selfish.”

“The economic program being advocated by Vice-President Biden seems drab in comparison,” Glaude acknowledged. “This is because the goal is different. The Biden objective is social justice and equality. This can only be achieved if we rein in runaway prosperity. Realistically, not everyone is capable of living by their own effort. If we don’t compel those who are to share their wealth we will never reach full equality.”

“In effect, Biden is asking you to do what Jesus asked his followers to do ‘give away your possessions and follow me.’” Glaude claimed. “Have faith that a Biden Administration will take care of everyone who believes in him. The necessary step on this road to redemption must begin with a vote for Biden.”

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

 

Prof: ‘It’s a Biden Landslide or Four More Years of Street Violence’

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Georgetown University law professor Rosa Brooks summarized the scenarios generated by her politics model as “a choice between tranquility or chaos. Of every potential election outcome we tested only the one where former Vice-President Joe Biden wins in a landslide predicts a peaceful transfer of power.”

Brooks used her model projections to argue that “clearly, the only patriotic option available to voters is to cast their ballots for the Biden/Harris ticket. This true for both those who see Trump as the worst person to ever hold the office and those who see Biden as mentally incompetent. A cadre of violent looters, rioters, and arsonists stand ready to burn this country down if Trump wins reelection. Preventing this outcome must be every voters’ goal when they either vote by mail or vote in person.”

The Professor predicted that “an outcome similar to what prevailed in 2016—a popular vote victory for Hillary Clinton and an electoral college victory for Trump—would be the worst possible outcome. Even if this apparent election night outcome is later overtaken by a trove of late arriving mail-in ballots or boxes of votes found in car trunks, polling station closets, or basements of Democratic Party election monitors there will still be unrest while we wait for these found ballots to be counted.”

“Finally, let me also point out that polls show that 28% of Biden supporters won’t accept a Trump victory, whereas only 19% of Trump supporters won’t accept a Biden victory. Seeing that a small contingent of Biden supporters are already rampaging in the streets of several of this country’s biggest cities, while Trump supporters are not, the easier path is for Republicans to cross the aisle and vote Democrat to spare the nation from an even bigger conflagration than we’ve already seen over the past three months.”

Biden Flubs “Healing” Trip to Kenosha

In an effort to contrast himself with Trump, Democratic presidential nominee former Vice-President Joe Biden ventured into riot-torn Kenosha to show off his “healing” technique. He started out by blaming Trump for the violence tearing apart the city and other cities throughout America.

“Turn on any TV station and you’ll find commentators condemning Trump for dividing this country,” Biden said. “The opinion is almost unanimous that Trump is a divider and not a uniter. In virtually every city people are crying out for racial justice, but police are slaughtering black men in numbers that defy belief. Struggling to be heard, demonstrators have been forced to resort to more physical methods for registering their demand for change. But all Trump has to offer is law and order.”

“The whole trouble in Kenosha started when police murdered Jacob Blake for no good reason,” Biden contended. “Blake was a black man trying to visit his girl friend when he was cruelly shot in the back by a racist cop. An enraged citizenry struck a blow for racial justice by burning down the businesses near the location where Blake was shot.”

“When Trump visited Kenosha a few days ago he made no effort to visit with Blake’s family to apologize,” Biden pointed out. “I filled that gap and had a nice conversation with his father. This is the kind of healing effort we expect from a president. Trump’s refusal to do this demonstrated his unfitness for office.”

The reality is that Blake had an outstanding warrant for his arrest for sexual battery when police encountered him violating a court order to keep his distance from the girl friend he had previously assaulted. He fought with the officers trying to arrest him and was shot while reaching into his car—possibly to get a weapon. The shots paralyzed him, but did not kill him. His father, Jacob Blake Sr. is a frequent poster of anti-Semitic screeds on Facebook.

Biden proffered no suggestions on how to restore peace to the streets of Kenosha other than “elect me in November so we can bring an end to the four-year nightmare that descended on this country when Trump took office.” Biden said he didn’t recall any anti-Semitic remarks being made by Blake Sr. during their conversation, but pointed out that “we still have free speech in this country and everyone who is not an enemy of the state is entitled to his opinions.”

During the question-and-answer phase of Biden’s Kenosha appearance his campaign went the extra mile by providing attendees with a list of pre-approved questions they could ask the candidate. An unappreciative black woman complained that “I’m just going to be honest, Mr. Biden, I was told to go off this paper, but I can’t. You need the truth and I’m part of the truth. The people tearing up our neighborhood aren’t local citizens. They’re outsiders who have come into our town and destroyed businesses we need and depend on.” The Kenosha Police confirmed that 58% of those arrested for the rioting, looting, and arson that destroyed the black business district were not residents of the city.

In related news, National Public Radio expressed its regrets for airing the controversial views of Vicky Osterweil. Osterweil is the author of In Defense of Looting. She contends that “looting is basically nonviolent. You’re mass shoplifting. It gets people what they need for free immediately, which means that they are capable of living without having to rely on jobs or a wage. Most stores are insured; it’s just hurting insurance companies on some level. It’s just money. It’s just property. It’s not actually hurting any people.” NPR apologized for not pointing out that looting doesn’t make a positive contribution to society, that even with insurance the destruction and theft perpetrated by looters will result in higher business costs and higher prices for consumers.

Kanye West: “Abortion = Black Genocide”

In a message that may prove very inconvenient for the Democratic Party’s political fortunes at the polls this November, rapper Kanye West points out that “in the 50 years since the Roe v. Wade Supreme Court decision more than 22 million black lives were terminated by abortion. Abortion kills more black people than HIV, homicide, diabetes, accidents, cancer, and heart disease combined.”

“If we look deep into Margaret Sanger’s motivations we see that reducing the black population was one of the intended goals of Planned Parenthood,” West said. “In fact, a majority of Planned Parenthood’s surgical abortion facilities are located within walking distance of neighborhoods with high black populations. Blacks make up only 13% of the current population, but account for 37% of the abortions. Isn’t this institutionalized genocide?”

West is waging an independent campaign for the presidency under the banner of the “Birthday Party”–a name he says he chose “because it represents the babies who would be born because of my mission to spread a pro-life message.” West previously shared images on Instagram of unborn children to convey the message: “These souls deserve to live.”

Democrats have been working assiduously to keep West off the ballot and have succeeded in Arizona, Illinois, Ohio, Virginia, and West Virginia. Democratic vice-presidential nominee Sen. Kamala Harris (Calif) called West’s campaign “a diversion from the critical issues in our Party’s battle for the soul of America. As our presidential nominee has previously said ‘blacks who don’t vote for him ain’t black.’ West’s candidacy is aimed at confusing black voters and is a great disservice to this country.”

NFL Demands Social Justice Training for Fans

Alleging that “football cannot be properly understood by white fans,” National Football League Commissioner Roger Goodell is scheduling a “social justice training session” to be aired on NBC on September 9th. The program will feature players reciting how much they have suffered under America’s systemic racism.

“Many white fans seem to think that being able to earn millions of dollars playing professional football is a dream job,” Goodell observed. “They are oblivious to the optics of mostly white fans gaining vicarious enjoyment from the tremendous suffering each black player must endure for their entertainment. This has a disturbing resemblance to the antebellum era when whites profited from the exploitation of black slaves. It’s time that the truth about our brutal game is acknowledged.”

“Ideally, social justice training ought to be a mandatory prerequisite to attending or watching a game,” Goodell opined. “Someday we may be able to implement such a requirement. For now, we are offering the course kind of like an ‘elective’ and hope that fans will voluntarily take advantage of the opportunity to educate themselves.”

Mayor Abandons Home

Portland Mayor Ted Wheeler announced that he is leaving his condo. Despite his loudly repeated support for the thugs who have been rioting in the city’s streets for more than three months, their recent visit to the building in which he lives prompted him to abandon this property.

“I’ve done all I could think of to try to placate these mostly peaceful demonstrators, but when they set fire to the building and smashed windows I knew that I had failed to satisfy them,” Wheeler sadly acknowledged. “My next step must be to renounce my ownership of this $800,000 luxury condo. What right have I to live in such a nice place when the wants of the mob have not been fully realized?”

The Mayor says he “will be moving into the tent city where the rioters spend the daylight hours. My hope is that being among them will help me transition to a welcomed member of the socialist collective they are trying to implement for Portland.” Inasmuch as the mob is demanding Wheeler’s resignation his efforts at becoming a full-fledged member of new ruling junta appear unlikely to succeed.

Meanwhile in Seattle, Mayor Jenny Durkan is asking the State Supreme Court to quash the recall petitions against her. While she insists that she hasn’t broken any laws, voters complain that she has failed to support law and order. The Superior Court agreed and ruled that recall petitions may be circulated for signatures. Lawyers for the Mayor argue that “letting the recall proceed will have a chilling effect on the Mayors use of discretionary authority. Ordering the police to stand down, releasing rioters without bail, and refusal to pursue criminal cases against persons setting buildings on fire, looting merchandise, and terrorizing residents fall within the legitimate discretion of the Mayor. To oust her from office over these kinds of policy differences would set a bad precedent against arbitrary abuse of executive authority.”

San Fran Nan Gets Blow Job

In defiance of California’s statewide ban on indoor hair cuts, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) made an appointment to get a cut, shampoo, and blow out at her favorite salon. When word backed up by video evidence got out that she had done this despite her constant, obnoxious prattling about how others are obligated to obey the COVID-inspired social distancing, mask wearing, and shutdowns of nonessential businesses, she was rightfully mocked by nearly everyone. This prompted her to claim that “I did nothing wrong. I was set up and am owed an apology for being humiliated by a nobody who just happens to own a salon. I am the most important woman in America. I deserve respect.”

Pelosi’s stylist has defended the Speaker by pointing out that “she has been coming here every month during the whole time that salons were prohibited from serving customers. Why is this time different? Surely the previous ignored violations of the regulations have established a defacto right for her to ignore those regulations. The people criticizing her now are forgetting that ‘rank has its privileges.’ As this nation’s most powerful woman I think she is rank enough to enjoy the privilege of an illicit hair cut.”

San Francisco Mayor London Breed (D) also defended Pelosi’s right to special exemption from the rules, saying that “Nancy Pelosi has done so much for this city and this country that she deserves the privilege to bypass the constraints that we have established for ordinary people. The real villain in this incident is Donald Trump. If it weren’t for his dictatorship Gov. Newsom wouldn’t have had to set regulations designed to strangle the state’s economy in order to persuade voters to elect Vice-President Biden to replace Trump in the White House.”

Since news of the Speaker’s “mightier than thou” behavior went public ESalonSF owner Erica Kious has received hate text messages, death threats, and vows to burn her salon down. “My Yelp page is just unbelievable with bad reviews from people who have never been customers of my shop.” She denied Pelosi’s charge of a “set up” and asserted that “the key point in all this is if she’s in there comfortably without a mask and feeling safe, then why are we shut down? Why am I not able to have clients come in?”

Fred Jones, counsel for the Professional Beauty Federation said “the deeper implication to Pelosi’s visit is that an 80-year-old woman with access to incredible amounts of information felt comfortable being maskless in a hair salon. That clearly challenges the public pronouncements of the so-called health experts who have never provided any data or science justifying locking our industry down for six months.”

DC Committee Recommends Removing Monuments

A committee reporting to D.C. Mayor Muriel Bowser (D) recommends removing the monuments, statues, and inscriptions honoring America’s founders and heroes “whose connections to slavery and oppression render them unfit to be mentioned in the nation’s capital.” The so-called “rogues gallery” includes George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, James Monroe, Andrew Jackson, William Henry Harrison, John Tyler, Zachary Taylor, Woodrow Wilson; Benjamin Franklin, Alexander Graham Bell, and Francis Scott Key.

Committee members Bowser advisor Beverly Perry and public library director Richard Reyes-Gavilan asserted that “we believe strongly that all District of Columbia public spaces, facilities and commemorative works should only honor those individuals who exemplified those values such as equity, opportunity and diversity that DC residents hold dear.”

Suggested swap-outs include George Floyd—the man who launched a thousand riots—for George Washington, Jesse Jackson—mastermind of the Silicon Valley shakedown—for Andrew Jackson and Tupac Shakur—creator of gangsta-rap—for Francis Scott Key.

“We need to memorialize individuals who embody the woke values of today and bury the false gods of the past,” Perry said. “Whether the Washington Monument should be torn down entirely or be reconfigured into the image of George Floyd prostrate on the ground under the knee of a racist cop is a 50-50 proposition. Either way, though, it would be a vast improvement over the way it is now.”

DA Says Looters Who Need What They Steal Aren’t Criminals

Contra Costa County District Attorney Diana Becton instructed police officers in her jurisdiction to consider whether looters need what they steal before charging them.

“We need to get out from under the out-dated notion that stealing is always a crime,” Becton said. “Just because one person owns something doesn’t mean that someone else shouldn’t take it from him. The current distribution of wealth is immoral. Actions taken to redistribute this wealth are justified if they result in a more equal sharing of the Earth’s bounty. In most cases, the looting we are seeing in our cities over recent months clearly is shifting property from the more well-off to the less well-off. In such cases, the proper response by police would be to assist the looters in carrying off the merchandise from the stores they break into.”

“Instead of perpetuating the systemic injustice of our racist society by hassling those engaged in looting, cops need to get in step with progressive values,” Becton suggested. “Instead of cuffing the hands of the looters they should lift the other half of the big screen TV being stolen, help put it in the trunk of the getaway vehicle, fend off vigilantes trying to impede the peaceful transfer of property and give the swag-loaded vehicle an escort home.”

“In the socialist utopia of the future any person will be able to enter any unlocked building or vehicle and take whatever is inside if he needs it,” Becton envisioned. “Until that time, letting looters appropriate the goods they need is a good head start toward realizing this dream.”

Democrat Operative Admits Vote Fraud

A Bernie Sanders supporter who has been working in a massive vote fraud operation for decades told New York Post reporter Jon Levine how it’s done. The bag of tricks used to steal elections includes bribing homeless voters, taking advantage of dementia patients in nursing homes, posing as someone else to cast that person’s ballot, printing up additional bogus ballots and removing real ballots from envelopes and replacing them with counterfeit ballots.

The whistle-blower—whose identity, rap sheet and history working as a consultant to various campaigns were confirmed by The Post—admitted that he not only changed ballots himself, but led teams of fraudsters and mentored at least 20 operatives in New Jersey, New York and Pennsylvania. The elections stolen by these crooks included races in Paterson, Atlantic City, Camden, Newark, Hoboken and Hudson County, New Jersey.

The dirty tricks described by the whistleblower were anticipated by the Commission on Federal Election Reform in 2005. This bipartisan report was coauthored by ex-President Jimmy Carter, ex-Senate leader Tom Daschle, former Secretary of State James Baker, and former House Minority Leader Bob Michel.

The commission strongly recommended safeguards to protect the integrity of the vote. A key recommended safeguard was requiring voters to present photo IDs in order to cast a ballot. Fifteen years ago, eminent Democrats like Carter and Daschle recognized the need to screen out ineligible and fraudulent voters. Today, Democrats vociferously oppose requiring photo IDs on the grounds that doing so will lower the vote total. There’s no question that removing invalid voters will mean fewer votes are cast. But failure to weed out invalid votes allows fraudsters to cancel out valid votes and corrupts the democratic process.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) dismissed the 2005 report’s relevance for today’s politics. “President Carter and Senator Daschle didn’t have to deal with the existential threat posed by Donald Trump,” she said. “This man is so vile and dangerous that defeating him by any means necessary overrides any other ethical consideration. It is better to corrupt democracy than to allow this man to inflict another four years of tyranny on the American people.”

BLM Adopts New Slogan

In a “hands-across-the ocean” moment, Black Lives Matter protesters in Philadelphia marched through the streets chanting “death to America.”

“I know that Iran came up with the slogan before we did, but our goal of smashing capitalism and implementing Marxism in the United States essentially means the death of the America that currently exists,” said BLM activist Stormy ZZZZs. “While we don’t approve of the Islamic theocracy Iran envisions for humanity’s future, we do share the conviction that the United States must cease for true progressive social justice to prevail.”

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Rice Criticizes Pompeo’s Religion

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Former Obama-era national security adviser Susan Rice questioned the constitutional propriety of having Mike Pompeo as Secretary of State. “I think his public profession of his Christian faith is problematic,” she said. “Further, his objections to what he calls the unwarranted persecution of Christians in Muslim countries crosses a line that should not be crossed.”

“As I understand it, Islamic doctrine calls for the forcible conversion on non-Muslims,” Rice recalled. “Those unwilling to convert may be compelled to pay a tax and can be killed if they refuse. That is what their holy book, the Quran, says. Consequently, Pompeo’s condemnation of the right of Muslim countries to practice their faith with regard to how they treat unbelievers is Islamophobic.”

“The problem is that Pompeo is generating unnecessary friction between these nations and the United States,” Rice contended. “Both historic precedent and the tenets of the two faiths should guide US foreign policy when dealing with Muslim countries. Historically, Christians living within Muslim controlled territories have submitted to the demands of their overlords. This conforms with Christian doctrine that commands them to turn the other cheek and to abide by the dictates of the governments they live under. Pompeo’s vocal characterization of Christians living under these conditions as ‘persecution’ is undiplomatic.”

Rice predicted “a return to the policies of the Obama Administration once former Vice-President Biden is elected. Rather than provoking the animosity that Trump and Pompeo have, President Obama’s conciliatory attitude toward Islam and its believers built bridges of cooperation and amity between our country and theirs. We can be sure that Joe Biden will reject the hostility engendered by the Trump Administration and restore the peaceful interactions that prevailed before he took office.”

Biden Wins Debate About Debating

This week House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) advised Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden against debating President Trump because “it would legitimize the idea that Trump is worthy of being on the same stage with one of the greatest public servants in American history. For nearly 50 years Joe has tirelessly toiled for the benefit of the American people—first as a senator and later as a vice-president. Trump is an intruder without any political pedigree.”

“A second reason is that Joe is a kind and decent man,” Pelosi said. “His simplicity is what connects him to the vast majority of America’s voters. They already know where he stands. There is no need for him to subject himself to the verbal pummeling that Trump will unleash on him. Demanding that Joe risk losing just because he cannot think on his feet or articulate answers to complicated policy questions would be too cruel. Refusing to get in the ring with Trump is a move that every decent American will approve.”

The Speaker’s argument failed to persuade the Candidate. Bristling at her implication that he should shun a face-to-face confrontation with Trump, Biden insisted that he was “forward looking to debating Trump. I know there will be a lot of lies because everyone agrees that’s what Trump does. But there will be moderators there to call him out on that. With them on my side I’m confident that my performance will be praised in the post-debate analysis and that I will be declared the winner.”

“Given the clarifications presented by Vice-President Biden, I withdraw my original objections,” Pelosi said. “I had forgotten that Candy Crowley was able to counterbalance Romney during a 2012 debate and help President Obama win that confrontation. There’s no reason why we can’t do the same thing this time around. It’s too bad that Hillary was too prideful to want such help in 2016, but I see that Joe is smart enough and humble enough to accept a helping hand. The media will declare him the winner and the lamentations of the Republicans will be music to every Democrat’s ears.”

Biden & Harris Praise NBA Boycott

Democratic presidential nominee former Vice-President Joe Biden praised the NBA basketball players who refused to take the court in their playoff games after the latest police shooting of a black man in Kenosha Wisconsin this week. “This moment demands moral leadership,” Biden said. “And these players answered by standing up, speaking out, and using their platform for good. The sacrifices they made foregoing their salaries and forfeiting their games touch us all in very profound ways. It’s an example I wish our current president would have followed.”

Vice-presidential nominee Sen. Kamala Harris (Calif) seconded Biden’s take and hailed the decision of the National Basketball Association and its players to postpone playoff games to protest the police shooting of Jacob Blake, calling it “an act of monumental courage. They could have selfishly ignored the plight of a little-known black man while they blithely collected their million dollar salaries, but in a burst of pure altruism they unanimously deferred these salaries for a couple of days. This was the greatest sacrifice I’ve ever seen from a professional athlete in any sport. It would be a shame if this isn’t followed up by a groundswell of voter support for the defunding of police that both Joe and I will deliver after we are inaugurated next January.”

For the record, no NBA games were forfeited. No salaries were foregone—except by President Donald Trump who has donated his entire salary to charity since his first day in office. Further, the Black Lives Matter protest of the shooting ended up burning down most of Kenosha’s black business district. This destruction inspired failed Democratic presidential candidate former Mayor of South Bend Indiana Pete Buttigieg (D) to blame Trump for the arson, saying “he is the master of chaos. As virtually every news report over the last four years has shown, everything bad that has happened in this country is his fault.”

White Supremacist Endorses Biden

Neo-Nazi Richard Spencer, organizer of the 2017 “Unite the Right” rally in Charlottesville in which a follower of his ran down and killed an anti-Confederate statue protester, announced “I plan to vote for Biden and a straight Democratic ticket.”

“The key issue for me in this campaign is which Party will do the most to decrease the black population,” Spencer explained. “The most effective policy for achieving this objective has been legalized abortion. Since 1973 millions of black lives have been terminated using this procedure. New York’s Democrats have done an outstanding job. In New York City there are more black babies aborted than born. This is the model we should be expanding nationwide. The Democrats’ intention to fund abortion with government funds will ensure that this crucial culling will proceed at an accelerated pace.”

“Trump just doesn’t get it,” Spencer added. “His opposition to abortion and refusal to authorize federal funding for it threatens to flood the country with more of these untermenschen. He brags about what he has done to advance the interests of blacks when the proper policy would be to pursue ways of ridding the country of these deplorable wretches. So, for me, the choice is a no brainer. Democrats will put this country on the right path. They deserve the votes of every white person in America.”

Clinton Says Biden Must Not Concede Election

Defeated Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton says “Biden must not concede on election night no matter what. I did that in 2016 and have regretted it ever since. I should have waited until more votes could be found.”

“Finding more votes long after the polls had closed is what allowed the Democratic Party to oust so many Republicans from so-called ‘safe districts’ in the 2018 midterm elections,” Clinton boasted. “With mail-in ballots being sent to every voter ever registered in each state there will be tens of millions of additional ballots that can be cast. Many voters will have the chance to vote twice—once by mail and again at the polls. Ballots sent to out-dated addresses will be available to be cast by whoever gets their hands on them.”

“Republicans think they have the enthusiasm edge because their voters are slavishly devoted to Trump,” she said. “They forget that Democrats are so enthusiastic that many of us are willing to cast more than one vote. Many of us are willing to fill in ballots for those unable to do so themselves because of dementia. And why not? Since our presidential nominee also suffers from dementia wouldn’t he be the best champion for those in a similar predicament? So, though it might look bleak as the hour gets late on election night, Biden needs to hold on until the cavalry comes to his rescue with the votes needed to turn things around.”

“Blacks Never Treated as Fully Human”

Democratic vice-presidential nominee Sen. Kamala Harris (D-Calif) used the shooting of Jacob Blake by a Kenosha police officer while he was resisting arrest to bolster her charge that “black lives have never been treated as fully human in America. It is yet another instance of an innocent black man being victimized by police brutality and another reason why voters need to elect Joe Biden and me to bring an end to this sorry history.”

President Trump lost no time in challenging Harris’ notion that blacks would be better off under a Biden Administration. “In the last three years, my Administration has done more for black Americans than Biden has done in his more than four decades in politics,” he said. “We’ve enacted criminal justice reform, prison reform, opportunity zones, the long-term funding of historically black colleges and universities, and produced the lowest unemployment numbers for African Americans, Hispanic Americans, and Asian Americans ever recorded. I have done more for the African American community than any president since Abraham Lincoln.”

Harris rebutted Trump’s claims by pointing out that “it was President Lyndon Johnson’s Great Society program the led to $20 trillion in federal money for the welfare and public housing that now are a defining feature of black life in this country. This free money far outshines what Trump has done. Trumps initiatives require the beneficiaries to work—work to establish a small business, work to earn a higher wage, work to get a college degree. We urge black voters to not fall into Trump’s trap. It’s just a modern form of slavery. Blacks did enough work during the 250 years of slavery in this country. It’s time for all of us to be repaid with the reparations we deserve. The Democratic Party and President Joe Biden will ensure that this debt is paid and that no black person will ever have to work again.”

“Let Violence Burn Itself Out”

Portland, Oregon, Mayor Ted Wheeler (D) defended his “do nothing” stance on the violence that has plagued his city for the last three months.

“If we send police out to try to stop the nightly looting and arson more lives will be endangered,” Wheeler predicted. “Instead of having a unified mob wreaking havoc as has been happening, we’d have pitched battles between the mostly peaceful protesters and the law-enforcement brutes who would try to stop them.”

The Mayor contends that “my policy of benign neglect will eventually resolve the conflict with less bloodshed. Look, time is on our side. There are only so many buildings in the city. At some point everything that can burn down will have been burned down. When the fuel is gone the fires will go out.”

Wheeler asked residents “to look on the bright side. Ugly and out-dated structures will have been disposed of and you can use the insurance money to build back better. That’s what a President Biden would urge us to do. You know Nero got a lot of criticism for fiddling while Rome burned, but the city was rebuilt bigger and better than ever. And a pesky clique of religious fanatics were disposed of along the way.”

In related news, NBC Nightly News anchor Lester Holt trashed First Lady Melania Trump’s convention speech complaining that “she condemned the violence and looting being done in the name of justice. It is a long standing tradition going all the way back to the Watts riots in 1965 that blacks riot when they are upset. It is the job of our leaders to understand this and not overreact.”

Pelosi Calls Republicans “Enemies of the State”

Echoing phraseology more commonly associated with 20th century Nazi and Communist tyrannies, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) labeled the Trump Administration, Republicans in Congress, and the voters who support them “enemies of the state.”

“We Democrats are trying to enact laws that will transform this country into the progressive paradise that former President Obama envisioned,” Pelosi said. “These laws would provide total security from want. Every need of every person would be fulfilled by a generous government. And it would all be free! Yet, Republicans are fighting us every step of the way. They insist that each person should work to sustain his existence. They say that it isn’t possible for everyone to live at the expense of the state. This is both untrue and cruel. The reality is that the government can create as much money as needed to pay for everything.”

“Telling lies and cruelly depriving the people of the lives of leisure that everyone wants makes these Republicans enemies of the people and enemies of the state,” the Speaker concluded. “When we are victorious in November we will finally have the power to punish these enemies. We will start with the publication of Trump’s tax returns. Nominally, tax returns are considered confidential and the IRS is sworn to keep them that way, but enemies of the state can have no right to privacy from the people and the government that serves them. The same standard will apply to every other person who can be identified as a member of the Republican counterrevolutionaries. The numerous dossiers collected on every inhabitant within our borders by the FBI will be scoured for derogatory information that can then be used to oust these criminals from their jobs, homes, and society.”

Rep. Mo Brooks (R-Ala) condemned Pelosi’s remarks, calling them “dangerous and divisive. They encourage the extremists that are torching our cities to intensify their violence against those who do not support their collectivist agenda.” Rep. Steve Scalise (R-La) said “it was rhetoric like this that inspired a crazed gunman to attempt to assassinate Republicans at a baseball practice in 2017, wounding several of us and almost killing me.”

Democrat Transformation of America Marches On

With polls consistently showing Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden leading President Trump and 75% of corporate CEOs confident that Biden will win the November election, Democrats around the nation are moving forward with plans to further transform America into a progressive utopia.

In California, State Sen. Scott Wiener (D-San Francisco) has introduced a bill that will decriminalize adult men having sex with boys. Wiener argues that “current law permits adults to have sex with under-aged females without penalty under the premise that imprisoning or labeling the adult as a sex-offender could endanger his job prospects and make it impossible for him to provide child support in the event the girl becomes pregnant. This is unfair to homosexual sex-offenders.” Wiener has labeled opponents of this legislation “homophobic and anti-Semitic.”

Also in California, Assembly Member David Chiu (D-San Francisco) is sponsoring the so-called “Free Rent Act” (AB 1436). The bill will prevent property owners from collecting rent during the continuing pandemic and for up to 15 months after the COVID state of emergency is declared over by the Governor. Meanwhile, property owners are given no relief for property taxes due during this time period. Chiu dismissed contentions that this is unfair and fiscally unsustainable, pointing out that “in the so-called worst case scenario, defaults on the payment of property taxes will merely result in the state taking over the property. Once the government owns these properties the socially unjust practice of forcing people to pay for housing will be abolished.”

In Virginia, the state senate passed a bill lowering the penalties for assault and battery charges against police, judges, magistrates, correctional officers and firefighters from a felony to a misdemeanor. The legislation was introduced by Sen. Scott Surovell (D-Fairfax) who described it as “an effort to level the playing field. Police are heavily armed and don’t give suspects a fair opportunity to successfully escape apprehension. Judges and corrections officers are key components of the systemic racism that characterizes our judicial processes. Firefighters often intercede to thwart the fires set by peaceful protesters. We need to re-balance the scales of justice to reflect our changing social values.”

In New York City, Mayor Bill de Blasio (D) announced he will not let up on his campaign to crush the City’s restaurant industry, saying “they will not be allowed to have indoor dining until sometime next year.” The leeway allowing restaurants to set up tables on the sidewalk for outdoor dining is unlikely to suffice. On the one hand, outdoor diners have occasionally been harassed by panhandling bums and “protesters” demanding donations or expressions of support for left-wing political causes. On the other hand, winter weather in 2021’s first quarter will likely discourage customers. The Mayor said he has “little sympathy for the beleaguered industry. After all, dining out is a nonessential activity. And it is my duty to protect the citizens from incurring the risk of COVID infection that is inherent in participating in nonessential activities.”

Meanwhile, New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D) continues the statewide ban on dancing and singing at bars and weddings. “These are all very dangerous behaviors in these perilous times,” he contends. “It is my responsibility as governor to prevent people from taking undue risks.” The Governor also lashed out at “the excessively lax restrictions of Mayor de Blasio. He has turned a blind eye toward the repeated refusal of Orthodox Jews who are ignoring social distancing rules at their wedding celebrations.” While conceding that “these people mostly keep to their own kind and do not present a significant health threat to the broader community, the optics of them having a good time undermine the message of danger we are trying to communicate to everyone.”

In Washington, DC, Rep. Jesús García’s (D-IL) is sponsoring the “New Way Forward Act” (H.R. 5383). It would decriminalize sneaking the US and block the routine deportation of alien criminals. Garcia contends that “deporting people simply because they have broken ours laws is discriminatory. Freedom of travel is a human right. No government has the right to impede the free movement of people from one place to another. Even more importantly, criminals are also human beings. We don’t deport native-born criminals. We shouldn’t deport undocumented newcomers. My bill will repeal both of these injustices.”

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Biden Says Days as a Lifeguard ‘Prepped Me to Save America’

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

In a bid to persuade voters that he is the man that will save America from the evil Donald Trump, Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden recalled his days as a lifeguard, saying that “I saved 77 people and one set of dentures from drowning. Who did Trump ever save? Are we even sure he can swim?”

“Today our country faces perilous times,” Biden continued. “In city after city armed police are oppressing mostly peaceful rioters and murdering unarmed black men like George Floyd. Yet, all Donald Trump has to offer is a plea for law and order. Law and order is a dog whistle for racism. We need to breakaway from this out-dated policy. When I am president funds that have been wasted in futile attempts to pacify an angry public will be redeployed to community outreach programs that will bring people together.”

“One of the main objectives of our outreach will be to reeducate the police and their supporters in the general population in an effort to help them adjust to the new reality that America so desperately needs,” the Candidate added. “Until we develop a comprehensive reparations and wealth redistribution, law enforcement and the general public must learn to accept the spontaneous efforts toward this objective that we have seen taking place in Chicago, Seattle, Portland and other places. This is the only way we can move as one people united in a shared goal of social justice.”

Fox News commentator Chris Wallace called Biden’s remarks “thoughtful and bold,” but questioned whether Biden “had ever saved anyone from drowning. I seem to recall that it was Ronald Reagan who rescued those 77 people during his seven years as a lifeguard in Dixon, Illinois in the late 1920s. I think Biden spent one year as a lifeguard in Delaware around 1960 where his greatest claim to fame was his luxuriant leg hair.”

NJ Judge Orders “Do Over” in Paterson Election

Democrats’ assertions that an all mail-in ballot election is just as good as a vote-in-person ballot were dealt a blow when state Attorney General Gurbir Grewal charged four individuals—Alex Mendez, 1st Ward Councilman Michael Jackson and two workers for 2nd Ward candidate Shahin Khalique’s campaign with fraud in casting mail-in votes, unauthorized possession of ballots, tampering with public records and election fraud in the City’s May elections.

The fraud was aided and abetted by New Jersey’s law allowing ballot harvesting—a procedure in which Party operatives collect and deliver ballots to the polls. Unlike when ballots are dropped into mail boxes, ballots turned over to partisan intermediaries break the chain of custody and allow undesired votes to be discarded or altered. Unsurprisingly, Superior Court judge, Ernest M. Caposela, ordered a “do over” for November 3, saying that the May election “was not the fair, free and full expression of the intent of the voters.”

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) still maintains that “a nationwide vote-by-mail protocol is our best option for conducting an election during the pandemic. Even if some of the ballots are lost or altered via the ballot harvesting process, at least voters are spared the risk of being exposed to the COVID contagion they would face going to the polls in-person. In the grand scheme of things, a tainted outcome is preferable to one where masses of voters become infected and die from the virus. Lives will be saved and Trump will be defeated. We consider that a win-win situation.”

Impactful Community Leader” Endorses Biden

One of a so-called group of “impactful community leaders” invited to speak at the Democratic National Convention was convicted murderer Donna Hylton. In 1986 when she was 21 years old, Hylton was convicted for kidnapping, raping, torturing, and murdering Thomas Vigliarolo. In a three week torture session Hylton starved her victim, burned him with cigarettes, squeezed his testicles with a pair of pliers, sodomized him with a metal rod, and ultimately murdered him when the ransom she was demanding wasn’t paid.

She justified her crime on the grounds that she needed money to launch a modeling career and that Vigliarolo “was a homo anyway.” She spent 26 years in prison for these crimes and was paroled in 2012. After regaining her freedom she found work as a Democrat activist, joined the Coalition for Women Prisoners and advocated for the early release of “prisoners like me.”

Biden campaign manager Greg Schultz boasted that “the endorsements of these impactful community leaders shows that Joe has touched the heart and soul of those who have been mistreated by our judicial system. Victims of the systemic racism of our courts and law enforcement recognize the tranformative potential of the policies and personnel that Joe will bring to this nation if voters make him the next president of the United States.”

In related news, Biden also received the endorsement of the Chinese Communist Party’s newspaper The Global Times. The paper’s editors predicted that “Mr. Biden will be much easier to deal with than Trump—a viewpoint that is shared by many countries. Polls already indicate that a majority of American voters are ready to reject the ‘America first’ policies of Trump and begin the transformation into the socialist progressive nation envisioned by former President Obama by electing Mr. Biden president of the United States in November.”

Pundit Demands Trump Supporters Be Deprogrammed

CNN’s Don Lemon warned that “the nation could face the bleak future of another four years of Trump if we don’t take steps to prevent his cultish followers from reelecting him.”

While the views he expresses on CNN are pretty consistently hard core leftist, Lemon claims he is an “independent thinker who’s not afraid to color outside the lines.” One of the lines he says he is ready to breach is “the presumption that everyone should be allowed to vote for whoever he pleases. Clearly, those who genuinely like Trump are deluded. I don’t see how we can let them cast ballots until they undergo deprogramming. I know that Biden has pledged to set up reeducation camps if he wins, but he may never get the chance if Trump’s zombies aren’t prevented from reelecting him.”

Merkel Irked by US Troop Withdrawal

German Chancellor Angela Merkel is furious at President Trump for his decision to reduce the number of US troops stationed in Germany by 12,000. “I find his assertion that it is time that Germany start defending itself rich with irony,” Merkel said. “Not too long before the US occupation German troops were defending a large portion of the European continent from foreign invaders. The stability of that situation was disrupted by the violent intervention of the United States and its allies. The destruction of our army left us defenseless. As the chief architect of that disaster it is America’s responsibility to take care of us.”

President Trump rejected Merkel’s demand and pointed out that “Germany is the richest member of the NATO alliance. They have an annual $50 billion balance of trade surplus with us. Six years ago they pledged to spend 2% of their GDP on their own defense. They have consistently fallen short of this promise. The original purpose of the US troop deployment to Germany was to deter Soviet aggression against Germany. Now the Soviet Union is no more and Germany is a major trade partner with Russia. So, I’d say we are well within our rights to reduce our contribution to Germany’s defense. I mean, it’s not as if we are totally abandoning them. We still have 24,000 troops stationed there.”

Merkel called Trump’s position “a replay of the mistake made by the western countries in 1939. They spurned an alliance with Germany to resist the Bolshevik threat. This forced our Chancellor to seek a nonaggression pact with the Soviet Union. The result was the onset of the most destructive war in human history. Trump’s latest action risks a repeat of those dreadful days.”

Chicago Mayor Gives Self Special Protection

While Mayor Lori Lightfoot has shown extraordinary tolerance for the violence criminals and mobs have been inflicting on the law-abiding residents of her city, she reached the breaking point when a mob of “demonstrators” started gathering outside her home this week. She ordered a special contingent of police officers to be regularly stationed outside her house, saying “I have a right to make sure my home is secure.”

The Mayor insisted that “police resources are limited. Officers can’t be everywhere. They can’t protect everyone. We have to prioritize where we spend the taxpayers’ money and ensure that the most important people are not victimized. Remember, there are millions of ordinary people living in Chicago, but only one mayor. Scarcity alone argues for putting the maximum effort toward making sure I’m safe at all times.”

Lightfoot also pointed out that “so-called peaceful demonstrations can morph into violent episodes, as we saw in the downtown Miracle Mile section of the city. However, the theft and destruction of commercial merchandise that occurred there did no permanent damage. Insurance will cover the losses and the shelves will eventually be restocked. The same is not the case at my home where many keepsakes acquired over a lifetime could be irreparably harmed. I could be injured or maybe even killed. A tragedy of such magnitude must be avoided at all cost. I think the citizens of Chicago understand this and won’t begrudge me taking whatever steps are necessary to avert it.”

In addition to stationing police officers on the street in front of her home, Lightfoot will continue to receive the round-the-clock protection provided by bodyguards routinely assigned to every mayor. This includes one or more bodyguards permanently stationed inside her residence.

School Opposes Parents Viewing Lessons

Rutherford County Schools (RCS) in Tennessee is requiring parents to sign forms promising that they will not not watch the virtual lessons being piped to their children in lieu of the live in-class sessions during the pandemic.

RCS spokesman James Evans explained that “the bond between a teacher and student requires privacy if best results are to be achieved. Many parents have out-dated notions that the school must work very hard to overcome. The world has changed since the parents went to school. What they were taught no longer resonates in the woke era we are now seeking to make the new norm. When classes are held in places where the parents are not present the indoctrination process is smoother. The only way we can continue this pattern of success when lessons are conducted over the internet is for the parents to butt out of the process. The forms we are asking them to sign informs them of their obligation to do so.”

“However, there will still be allowances for parents who are fully on-board with the woke agenda to assist in the indoctrination of their children, but only if their child’s teacher is convinced that the parents’ commitment to the progressive way of thinking is genuine,” Evans said. “In order to ascertain if the parents’ progressive views are genuine children will be regularly questioned about any political and social comments the parents make at home. Statements made by each student will, of course, be verified by crosschecking with the statements of their siblings, if any, and any discrepancies will ‘red flag’ the parents and their children for more intensive interrogation.”

In other education news, Chloe Clark, an English professor at Iowa State University issued a syllabus in which students were warned that they could be dismissed from her class if they argue against abortion or criticize the Black Lives Matter movement. “Some ideas simply aren’t worthy of being heard in a free society,” Clark argued. “It’s up to me to make sure my students learn that.”

Meanwhile in Utah, Gov. Gary Herbert (R) has issued an edict imposing a punishment of six months in jail and a fine of $1,000 for any K-12 student who fails to wear a mask while on school grounds. Herbert defended his absurd criminalization of the mask issue by maintaining “I’m trying to save lives” and calling parents’ objections “irrational. Look, I’m hoping it doesn’t come down to sending some kid to jail. I think the threat alone will either spur compliance or encourage scofflaws to simply drop out of school.”

California Loses Bet on Wind & Solar Power

The Democrat political establishment’s decision to reject nuclear and natural gas as a method for generating electricity has left the state sweltering as the preferred “renewable” options of wind and solar have failed to meet demand. As temperatures broke records across the state residents have been advised by former Gov. Jerry Brown “to turn up your damn thermostat!”

Current Gov. Gavin Newsom admitted that “it’s uncomfortable to be so hot and have your AC turned off by the rolling blackouts that are necessary if we are to fairly ration the scarce supply of electric power. Beyond this I think it would be good for everyone to remember that this state was founded before air conditioning was invented. Our ancestors thrived despite the heat. You can too.”

Critics have pointed out that the Governor’s mansion is exempt from the rolling blackouts. Ed Sprague, resident of Borrego Springs where temperatures reached 115 degrees this week, wasn’t impressed by Newsom’s pep talk. “Our modern economy depends on access to reliable and affordable electricity,” he countered. “Without it output and standards of living would be far lower—like they were when the state was founded. Is that the direction that our government wants to take us?”

Apparently, the answer is yes. Newsom justified his exemption from blackouts, saying that “government is essential. It must be able to operate at maximum capacity at all times. The less important and nonessential segments of society may very well have to accept lower living standards as the price of the Green New Deal.” Meanwhile, Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden has vowed to implement a nationwide Green New Deal after he is elected.

Sanders Warns “America Faces Authoritarianism”

In a grim convention speech, Sen. Bernie Sanders said “voters will face a choice between authoritarianism and freedom this November. One of the candidates intends to impose a regime of individualism that will stifle the human dream of collectivism envisioned by Karl Marx. The other candidate offers a pathway to escape this dire fate.”

“If Donald Trump is reelected Americans will be forced to earn their own livings,” Sanders lamented. “Some will be encouraged to embark on a futile quest for success as owners and operators of small businesses. Others will be expected to take jobs producing products that consumers are willing to buy. Everyone will be an orphan with no one to take care of him or tell him how to live his life. Material abundance will divert society away from the security of conformity and solidarity.”

“On the other hand, if voters elect Joe Biden an expansive government will take everyone under its wing,” Sanders promised. “No one will be left alone to decide his own fate. Everyone will be yoked together for the common good of all. Government will abolish failure. The guiding principle of a Biden Administration will be from each according to his ability, to each according to his needs. Competition will be replaced by cooperation as each person is assigned his or her unique role in society by the brightest minds and best people working under the unquestioned authority of the government.”

“The choice is clear,” Sanders asserted. “I hope and trust that voters will choose wisely.”

In related news, Sanders urged that “any debates about the future of this country should be postponed until after Joe Biden is elected president. It is pointless to debate such weighty matters with those who disagree in principle about whether we should have an individualistic or a collectivistic society. Once Biden is the president every variety of progressive thought will be invited to participate in the discussion. Suggestions on how to most effectively redistribute wealth, whether to intern dissidents in reeducation camps or whether a simple forced hard labor would be preferable, when to ban the use of fossil fuels, and other topics of interest could be explored in a more convivial atmosphere.”

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

City Council Member Praises Mob

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Seattle City Council Member Kshama Sawant expressed her disgust with Police Chief Carmen Best’s resignation, saying “this tool of capitalist oppression had the nerve to object to the Council’s decision to reject her beloved ‘law and order’ and replace it with a more progressive vision for our City.”

“We need to represent the will of the people,” Sawant said. “Just the other night Black Lives Matter protesters were chanting ‘who do we protect? Black criminals.’ These so-called criminals are the very victims of capitalist oppression that Best so enthusiastically wants arrested and punished. Blacks have been impoverished by capitalism. They have a human right to expropriate or destroy the property of the capitalist class. This includes the shopkeepers who man the front lines of the capitalist war on the little people. Rather than side with the socially just resistance in this war, Best has inserted police to defend the ill-gotten gains of the capitalist oppressors and to physically assault those trying to assert the people’s right to take their fair share of the community’s wealth.”

“The sadness expressed by the nation’s Oppressor-in-Chief Donald Trump and his lackey William Barr at Best’s departure should be enough to persuade any right-thinking person that we will be better off without her and the police department goons she so loves,” Sawant added. “It is my fervent hope that what has gone on in the streets of our City will inspire voters across the nation to choose socialism by electing Joe Biden our nation’s next president.”

Oregon State Police Pull Out of Portland

The 100 state troopers sent to Portland to protect the Mark O. Hatfield United States Courthouse are being withdrawn because the City’s district attorney refuses to press charges against any of the rioters the Troopers arrested.

Capt. Timothy Fox explained that “it makes no sense for us to risk life and limb trying to stop criminals from burning down the courthouse if the DA is just going to release them to rejoin the nightly attacks on this federal facility. We can’t win the war for law and order if those intent on flouting civilized behavior face no consequences for their destructive behavior. Putting criminals behind bars is a necessary action if good is to triumph over evil.”

It is unclear whether the departure of the State Troopers will result in their replacement by the federal agents they were meant to relieve under the agreement reached between President Trump and Gov. Jay Inslee (D) two weeks ago. Mayor Ted Wheeler (D) said “I hope not. The presence of unwanted federal forces in our City was intolerable. Their departure was a key step to resolving the standoff. With the State Troopers now gone maybe the mob will let the courthouse be. If they still decide to burn it down at least that will eliminate a focal point for their animus against law enforcement.”

Biden Wants Everyone to Wear Masks

Presumptive Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden says “every American should be wearing a mask when they’re outside for the next three months at a minimum. It will decrease the risk of getting the coronavirus expodentially. Of course in an ideal world everyone should be staying at home like I am. If you don’t go anywhere you can’t get infected. Staying home is what we should all do.”

“Trump’s notion that we should open up the economy is insane,” Biden contended. “The federal government has the power to create money. They can just mail everyone a government check. There is no need for anyone to have to risk going to work just to make a living. Pretending that people have to do this as Trump and the Republicans are is simply attempted murder—something my new running mate Kamala Harris has vowed to prosecute once I also name her my Attorney General.”

“The best we can hope for in the interim is for the 50 governors to implement statewide mask-wearing for whenever you leave the house,” Biden said. “With over 120 million Americans already dead from the coronavirus since February you’d think this simple measure would have already been taken because at the rate we’re going I’m afraid that there won’t be any people for me to govern by the time I’m inaugurated.”

In related news, dentists are reporting a decline in dental health from all the mask wearing people have been doing during the pandemic. “In about 50% of our patients we’re seeing inflammation in gums that have been healthy forever, and cavities in people who have never had them before,” says Dr. Rob Ramondi, a co-founder of One Manhattan Dental. “Gum disease will eventually lead to an increased risk of strokes and heart attacks.”

Facebook: Robots Will Protect Us from Bad Ideas

In its brazen march toward totally unconstrained power over information, Facebook is now touting its “unmatched utilization of artificial intelligence to detect and eradicate harmful content and misinformation.”

Guy Rosen, Facebook’s vice president of integrity, explained that “the average human isn’t competent to judge whether information is misleading or harmful. Fortunately, the superior minds at Facebook are diligently expanding the scope of artificial intelligence—robots, if you will—that can make these distinctions for the less gifted among us.”

“A particularly acute problem that has intensified during this election year has been hate speech,” Rosen said. “The volume alone has surpassed the capacity of human interdiction. Fortunately, we have been able to program simple key words and phrases to flag potentially offensive posts. A few examples are ‘Trump,’ ‘MAGA,’ and ‘law and order.’ We find that posts using these words in a positive sense almost invariably contain misleading and/or harmful content. This enables us to delete these posts before too much damage is done.”

“Over the longer term we envision a day when artificial intelligence can completely replace human thinking,” Rosen speculated. “Thinking is one of the most complex and difficult tasks for ordinary humans. If we can relieve them of this burden we believe that the quantity of human happiness among this segment of the population can be dramatically increased. Polls already show that a majority of people have enjoyed the veg-out and binge watching of streaming TV that has occurred during the lockdowns. There no good reason why this can’t become the new normal for the nonessential members of society.”

Lightfoot Blames Trump for Rioting & Looting

Mayor Lori Lightfoot (D) put the blame for the rioting and looting going on in Chicago on President Trump, saying that “people are frustrated over his coronavirus response. They’re particularly scared about being forced to go back to work. Trump’s indication that the government checks everyone has been getting during the pandemic won’t be permanent is frightening. People felt safe staying home knowing that the money they need to live would be in their mail box or bank account each week. Now, they’re terrified.”

“Terrified people do terrifying things,” the Mayor reasoned. “Breaking windows and looting stores should have been a foreseeable consequence of the decreased and eventual phase-out of federal pandemic payments.” Oddly for the Mayor’s theory, it wasn’t food stores that were robbed, but high-end retailers in the Miracle Mile district. Reminded of this, Lightfoot offered the opinion that “just because you are desperate doesn’t mean you don’t appreciate a little luxury in your life. Why wouldn’t the poorest among us want a Gucci bag?”

“Maybe if we had been quicker to defund the police and shift the money to social programs like some of our sister cities have the looters wouldn’t have done what they did,” the Mayor speculated. “Fewer police means fewer victims of police brutality and the righteous rioting that can be expected to follow from that brutality. The knowledge that a future 911 call would be routed to a social worker rather than a cop could have exerted a calming influence that would have dampened the enthusiasm for a spree of looting.”

Black Lives Matter organizer Ariel Atkins led a protest demanding the release of the more than 100 looters arrested by the police in the Miracle Mile riot. “I don’t care if someone decides to loot a Gucci… or a Macy’s… or a Nike… because that makes sure that that person eats,” she insisted. “These people are not criminals. The stuff they took is part of the reparations they are owed for slavery. And the stores are all insured, so no one was hurt by by the looting.”

In a next-day follow-up to the Miracle Mile looting, rioters destroyed large sections of the city, including the Ronald McDonald House where families were staying to be near the hospital where their severely sick children were being treated. Though the Ronald McDonald House is a charitable activity, a spokesman for the rioters pointed out that “MacDonald’s is one of the biggest corporate oppressors in the world.”

Cuomo Nixes Probe of Nursing Home Deaths

Though his state led the world in coronavirus fatalities occurring in nursing homes and despite bipartisan support for a probe in the State Legislature, Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D-NY) says “there is no need for an investigation.” It was the Governor’s controversial March 25th order that required nursing homes to accept COVID-positive patients and exposed the uninfected elderly already housed in these homes to high risk.

“Look, what’s done can’t be undone,” Cuomo argued. “We can’t bring these people back to life. We should let them rest in peace. I think it’s time that we all forgive and forget any mistakes that may have been made in our struggle to cope with an unprecedented pandemic.”

State Senator Gustavo Rivera (D-Bronx) disagrees with the Governor. “If we want good state policies and procedures we ought to investigate what the Governor admits were ‘mistakes’ so as to avoid repeating them in the future. This seems like just common sense to me.”

The Governor wasn’t persuaded by Rivera’s argument, calling it “politically motivated. Let’s face it. There is no unbiased party who can be trusted to fairly weigh all the evidence. I’ve made a mental note of the mistakes that occurred. I’m well-situated for avoiding a repeat of them in the future. I can see no good coming out of additional unnecessary inquiries. Besides, I have already signed documents pardoning all the involved parties from any crimes that may have been committed or liability that may have attached for any actions taken during the crisis. So, the issue is now moot.”

While the “official” count of nursing home victims in the state is around 6,400, the death toll could be much higher. The reason for this is that only deaths occurring inside the nursing homes were added to the official tally. Nursing home patients who were on the verge of death were usually transferred to a hospital where they died shortly thereafter. Those deaths were then attributed to the hospital, not the nursing homes. Based on the 13,000 “deficit” in nursing home beds occupied this year compared to last year the fatalities could be double the official tally.

Nearly 50 Percent of Black Small Businesses Wiped Out

According to a report issued by the New York Federal Reserve Bank, the lockdowns decreed by governors in response to the coronavirus pandemic drove nearly half of black-owned small businesses out of business. This was nearly three times the failure rate of white-owned small businesses.

Democratic presidential contender Joe Biden declared that “on the surface this might appear to be a bad thing, but a fuller understanding of what it means to be a small business owner shows that it is a good thing. No one has to work harder than the owner of a small business. Eighty-hour workweeks are the norm. The financial risk is off the charts. Bankruptcy is an all too common fate.”

“We shouldn’t be encouraging blacks to take on such a load for so little reward,” Biden asserted. “That is why I’m supporting H.R. 2474: Protecting the Right to Organize Act. This bill discourages people from going into business for themselves when they should be joining unions to fight for higher wages. The idea of becoming self-employed is a dream, but the reality is a nightmare.”

“Basically, a capitalist economy has two types of job classifications—workers and bosses,” the former Vice-President alleged. “Workers are the doers of society. Bosses are scum who steal the workers’ surplus labor to get rich. We must protect all those who are born into the working class from aspiring to join the exploiting class. These are the souls I’m fighting to save in this election. In the new economy that my administration will give to America the capitalistic bosses will be replaced by socially-conscious government overseers who will demolish the greed that pushes people to take on the arduous tasks and risks of owning and operating a business. All the common people will be united for the collective well-being of society and energized by the opportunity to labor for the common good rather than for the profit of the capitalist exploiters.”

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Chicago Using Social Media to Spy on Tourists

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Desperate to replace the tax revenues lost due to the City’s oppressive response to the COVID pandemic, Chicago Department of Public Health Commissioner Dr. Allison Arwady has authorized a widespread surveillance of social media posts.

“There are 22 states whose residents must report for a mandatory 14-day quarantine if they travel to Chicago,” Arwady said. “Very few are voluntarily submitting to this requirement. This forces us to monitor their social media activity. If we spot selfies or other posts sent from known tourist hot spots we check to see whether other posts from the same account were made from one of the 22 mandatory quarantine states. If they were we use this as evidence to make an arrest, levy a fine, and lock the offenders up for the required 14-day quarantine.”

The Commissioner denied that this police-state tactic violates the legal right to privacy, saying that “that there is no right to privacy when public health is at stake. Besides, posting a selfie while dodging our quarantine requirement flouts the law. If we don’t crack down on such willful disobedience respect for authority will be undermined and chaos will ensue.”

COVID Vaccine Effectiveness “Iffy”

White House coronavirus adviser Dr. Anthony Fauci warns that “the chance of creating an effective vaccine for COVID is not great. Respiratory viruses are notoriously difficult to combat. They mutate at a high rate and their transmission through the air cannot be effectively countered. As we have seen from work on flu vaccines, the typical odds of getting the flu after being vaccinated is about 50%. Ironically, the odds of getting the flu without being vaccinated are also about 50%.”

Food and Drug Administration Commissioner Dr. Stephen Hahn confirmed Fauci’s assessment, saying that “a vaccine with a 50-50 chance of being effective is no worse of an outcome than the 50-50 odds faced by a person who has not been vaccinated. Remember, even a vaccine that matches the odds of the control group has the psychological advantage of reassuring patients that medical authorities are doing something for them.”

World Health Organization Director-General Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus cautioned that “we cannot put our faith in the idea that any vaccine we develop will be a ‘silver bullet’ that will kill COVID. What we can do is continue to invest money in medical research. Even if the chances of success are slim, at least we will have provided jobs for some of the best and brightest among us, myself included.”

Mayor Complains “Rioters Are Helping Trump”

Portland Mayor Ted Wheeler (D) condemned the actions of a mob that set fire to the Police Bureau’s East Precinct and blocked the exits, calling it “attempted murder. Luckily the officers inside were able to get out, but the use of accelerants and fire bombs discredits the meme that these are peaceful protests. And that plays right into the hands of President Trump’s campaign to restore law and order.”

While Portland police chief Chuck Lovell called the violence “incomprehensible and senseless,” Wheeler preferred the phrase “poorly timed” and pleaded with the leaders of Antifa and Black Lives Matter to “restrain your people. There will be opportunities to legally redistribute wealth and punish the capitalist exploiters after Trump loses in November. All I’m asking for is a little patience. The Democratic Party and the media are with you, but we won’t be able to fully implement our program until we have a president in tune with our agenda.”

Meanwhile in Seattle, the City Council majority rejected contentions from Mayor Jenny Durkan (D) and Police Chief Carmen Best that “their plan to totally disband the police force is irresponsible and reckless.” Council Member Lorena Gonzalez (D) countered, contending that “it is the presence of police on our streets which fuels the nightly battles for control of the City. If we remove the police there will be no opposition to the protesters and, consequently, no more need for the levels of violence we have seen when two armed combatants struggle to control the area. There may still be some scattered mostly peaceful rioting, but there won’t be pitched battles.”

Ironically, while Democratic politicians imagine that their anti-police stances will earn them black votes, a Gallop poll released this week shows that 81% of black respondents want more police in their neighborhoods. This view is also held by 83% of Hispanic and 88% of white poll respondents.

Schumer: “We’ll Sue”

President Trump’s effort to break the Congressional deadlock on the next iteration of coronavirus relief by threatening to issue an Executive Order has Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) incensed. “His insistence that the coronavirus relief bill be focused on stimulating the economy after it was shut down to slow the spread of the contagion is too narrow,” he said. “We want to include bailouts for states that have crippled their economies with reckless spending and high taxes. There are hundreds of thousands of government employees in my state who could face layoffs, pay cuts, or deferred pensions if federal taxpayers don’t pick up the tab.”

“We also want to get a head start on the Green New Deal by appropriating funds that the next Democratic president will need to transform the nation from the fossil-fueled prosperity foisted on the American people by Trump,” Schumer added. “This will put us back on the trajectory of decline that former President Obama set in motion. It’s time that Americans reduce their expectations and adjust to lower standards of living. Rather than aspiring to join the ranks of the rich and powerful, it would be better for Americans to take their place among the masses of the world who live more modest lifestyles.”

“Not only does Trump reject our aims, his main objective—granting a payroll tax cut—unduly rewards those who work for a living,” the Senator complained. “It’s long past the time when we should get over the notion that work is a virtue that entitles a person to a better standard of living than his non-working neighbor. This is rank discrimination and we will sue to overturn any Executive Order that seeks such an outcome.”

Pro-Trump PAC Banned from Facebook

Facebook announced that the Committee to Defend the President will not be allowed to advertise on its platform. Facebook Policy communications director Andy Stone explained that “we have a duty to prevent misinformation from using our platform to promulgate falsehoods. Inasmuch as our fact checkers have determined that Trump is indefensible, the PAC’s name alone justifies the ban.”

“It is also likely that the PAC’s ads would say negative things about Joe Biden and the Democratic Party,” Stone said. “No one at Facebook believes these things could be true. So, to prevent voters who rely on our platform from being misled we must block advertisements from sources we view as untrustworthy. To do less would put us on the wrong side of history.”

Mail-in Ballot Mishaps Abound

In Las Vegas, Nevada election officials sent 223,000 mail-in ballots (17% of the total) to the wrong addresses. Persons residing at these addresses could wrongfully cast the ballots. The intended recipients never received the mailed ballot. The remedy for this according to Governor Steve Sisolak (D) is “to allow campaign workers to harvest such ballots, fill them out, and mail them in so we can ensure that there is no shortfall of votes cast and counted.”

In Roanoke, Virginia absentee ballot request forms were mailed to every registered voter. The printed address on all the return envelopes was wrong. Voters using these envelopes would never receive an actual ballot.

In New York City more than 84,000 of the mail-in ballots (21% of the total) for the Democratic primary were disqualified for a variety of reasons including arriving late, lacking a postmark or failing to include a voter’s signature. The primary was held June 23, but six weeks later they’re still searching for votes in several of the races.

In Pennsylvania Gov. Tom Wolf (D) issued an executive order “amending” state law to allow ballots received after election day to be counted. He cited civil unrest and a mysterious “surge in the anticipated number of late-arriving ballots” for his unconstitutional action.

Most countries in Europe ban mail-in voting in order to reduce the vote fraud and vote buying that mail-in ballots foster. They consider mail-in ballots a threat the integrity of their elections. In the countries that allow mail-in ballots a photo ID is required to get one.

In Chappaqua, New York defeated 2016 presidential candidate Hillary Clinton warned that “Trump could sabotage the 2020 election by ordering the Postal Service to delay or trash ballots mailed from Democratic precincts. Ordering the Postal Service to delay or trash ballots mailed from Republican precincts is what I would do if it was necessary to prevent an unqualified person from becoming president.”

COVID Crisis Shows Way to Redistribute Wealth

Former First Lady Michelle Obama used her podcast to thank the pandemic “for opening our eyes to a new way of distributing the nation’s wealth. Barack always thought it would require an act of Congress to implement the kind of redistribution needed to achieve social justice. But the unilateral power wielded by almost every governor during the COVID crisis showed that it could be accomplished much more easily than he thought.”

“In state-after-state we saw governors decreeing which businesses were essential and which were not,” she observed. “Declaring a business nonessential effectively confiscated an owner’s right to earn an income for however long the decree stayed in-place. As polls have shown, a majority of Americans support these executive actions by the governors. Some even went so far as to spy on those trying to evade or resist these autocratic decrees. Legislative bodies were either frozen out of the process or meekly endorsed it.”

“Well, if a governor could do these kinds of things he certainly could take the much more modest step of ordering a business or wealthy person to pay higher taxes that the state could then use to make payments to the deserving poor,” she pointed out. “Or he could order banks to transfer money out of some accounts and into others. Either way, we could more rapidly transform America from an individualistic Hell into a collective paradise without the muss and fuss of adhering to a republican form of government.”

Poll Results Slam Media for Bias

A poll conducted by Gallup and the Knight Foundation found widespread distrust of media reporting among Americans. 73% of respondents found too much bias in so-called news reporting. 84% blamed the media for fomenting divisiveness. 75% of Republicans and 52% of independents have an unfavorable view of the media. 70% of Democrats feel the media is treated unfairly.

Chelsea Aardvark, one of the so-called fact checkers at the Washington Post gave the poll results “four pinocchios.” “The average person is unqualified to judge the accuracy or bias of any news source,” she said. “Much of what is reported today comes from undisclosed confidential sources. There is no way that the consumer of these reports can objectively verify the accuracy of these reports without access to some unbiased authority. The viewer’s or reader’s doubts are not backed by facts. Consequently, their judgments are based on ignorance. When we compare this ignorance to the credentials of those employed in the media we must conclude that the respondents’ opinions are erroneous.”

CNN’s Chris Cuomo called the “four pinocchios” finding “a vindication of all the hard work we do here to get things right. Our viewers should be ashamed of their negative attitudes. It is not we who are heightening the divisiveness in America. It is those who disagree with us and mistrust our reporting.”

Former MSNBC producer Ariana Pekary disagreed with Cuomo, saying that “the media today are a cancer that threatens diversity of thought and the free flow of ideas. Nonconforming ideas are considered too cumbersome for the audience and are routinely suppressed, while the Democrat ‘Party line’ is repeatedly pushed even when directly contradicted by the known facts.”

L.A. Mayor Punishes Disobedience

Los Angeles Mayor Eric Garcetti announced that he has ordered the Los Angeles Department of Water and Power to cut off the water and electricity to any homes, venues, or businesses that defy the COVID-19 safety measures he has imposed on the City.

“Quite frankly, I must admit that I am fed up with people trying to exercise freedoms that I have put off limits during this pandemic,” the Mayor said. “I have given the people in this City the opportunity to voluntarily obey me. Most have complied, but others insist that their freedom to earn a living, go to church, or visit friends is being illegally infringed. Well, let’s see how they like it when I ratchet up the infringement another notch.”

Garcetti justified his dictatorial rule as “necessary to secure the public health and safety. In times like this reasonable people recognize their obligation to sacrifice freedoms they have taken for granted in order to serve the public good. They should be confident that these freedoms will be restored if and when I deem it proper to do so.”

Local Antifa bully Clyde Burns dismissed Garcetti’s infringements as “wishy-washy. If he had any balls he’d blow up the power plant and water distribution system. The Revolution has sterner measures in mind for those who resist our authority. If Garcetti can’t get on board with us he’d better get out of town himself.”

Biden Contrasts His China Policy with Trump’s

In a bid to show his foreign policy expertise and prove he is not cognitively impaired, former Vice-President Joe Biden contrasted his planned approach to dealing with China with Trump’s.

“Basically, I’m saying that Trump’s efforts to bully China are un-American,” Biden asserted. “He’s always blaming China for what’s wrong with America. He says the coronavirus came from China, but China says it came from us. I ask myself, who’s telling the truth. My gut tells me it ain’t Trump.”

“Trump also accuses China of stealing our technology,” Biden continued. “He calls this theft of intellectual property. I’m not sure of what that means, but what if they’re just copying our secrets because they didn’t do their homework. I can’t remember the number of times I had to copy someone else’s work just to get a passing grade. Tell me, who did I hurt? Was I a bad person for doing that? Or was I a needy person? I’m thinking that China is stealing our secrets because they’re needy too.”

“When I’m president we’ll have an entirely different attitude toward needy countries like China,” the Candidate promised. “If we give them what they want they won’t have to steal it. This will save them from committing crimes and save us from being niggardly. China will have no need to be confrontational or warlike. A new era of brotherhood will unfold for our two countries and the world.”

In an unsurprising simultaneous development, the Revolutionary Communist Party has endorsed Biden for president. Bob Avakian, self-proclaimed head of the Party called Biden and the Democratic Party “the best hope for socialism that this country has ever seen. If the people of this country want to see peace on the streets they are advised to surrender to the Revolution and elect Democrats to all the offices lest we be forced to sweep them into the dust bin of history by other means.”

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Portland Government Demands Feds Stop Impeding Rioters

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Portland city officials are demanding that the federal law enforcement personnel protecting the federal courthouse remove the barricades they installed around the building. Mayor Ted Wheeler (D) pointed out that “we have not issued a permit allowing these structures for several good reasons. First, part of the barricade obstructs a bike lane. Second, denying protesters access to the building interferes with their freedom to air their grievances against police brutality.”

Wheeler brushed aside contentions that the vandalism and arson the protesters want to inflict on the courthouse are not constitutionally protected actions, saying “the notion that free speech must actually be confined to using words or that the airing of grievances must take the form of presenting petitions asking for redress is pure ‘white privilege’ talking. Some people aren’t good with words or are too illiterate to write or sign petitions. They are more comfortable expressing themselves by throwing rocks, swinging baseball bats, and lighting fires. Federal storm-troopers have no authority to infringe on these alternate modes of making one’s point.”

House Intelligence Committee chairman Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) seconded “Mayor Wheeler’s complaint against unwarranted federal interference. There is a historical precedent for a local government ousting an unwanted federal presence in their city. In 1861, unwanted federal troops were driven from Fort Sumter by the forceful actions of local South Carolina authorities. Today, Trump’s insistence that the street violence going on in Portland and elsewhere is intolerable is a matter of opinion. The people of Portland didn’t elect Trump to rule their city. They elected Mayor Wheeler. It is Mayor Wheeler’s opinion on what is tolerable that should guide how the city is run, not Trump’s.”

Fellow Mayor Eric Garcetti (D-Los Angeles) also backed Wheeler’s position, calling the nightly street violence “a demonstration of the best democratic ideals. I know it makes some people uncomfortable to see parts of their city besmirched by boisterous displays of differing political views. They would prefer a more peaceful and orderly interaction between differing political factions. But the preference for peace and order cannot be allowed to override the freedom to act of those who disagree with this preference.”

In a bid to show his solidarity with the rioters, Mayor Wheeler and his phalanx of taxpayer-funded bodyguards attempted to join the “mostly peaceful” rioters only to be jeered at by the mob shouting at him to “quit your job.” As the mob tried to breach the barricades around the courthouse by smashing the fences and lighting fires between the barricade and the building, federal agents fired tear gas into the crowd. A teary-eyed Mayor Wheeler and his bodyguards then decided to call it a night and retreated to his well-guarded residence.

Meanwhile, in Philadelphia District Attorney Larry Krasner vowed “to arrest and prosecute any federal agent who attempts to enforce the law in this city” calling it “an infringement on the Mayor’s prerogative to enforce or ignore the law as he sees fit. We live in a democracy and the voters’ choice for mayor cannot be overruled by the President of the United States.”

Fauci Violates Mask & Social Distancing Protocols

After wearing his face mask to throw out the ceremonial first pitch of the 2020 baseball season at the game between the New York Yankees and the Washington Nationals, coronavirus guru Dr. Anthony Fauci returned to his seat in the stands between two of his friends. Despite thousands of empty seats, these three spectators sat adjacent to each other. While the other two wore their masks, Fauci was photographed with his mask under his chin—a style popularized by House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) and former Vice-President Joe Biden (D).

Fauci’s actions contradict what he has insisted are necessary if broader attendance by common people at sporting events is to be permitted. The Doctor defended his deviation from his own recommendations by pointing out “I have the unusual privilege of having been tested for COVID numerous times—including just 24 hours before the game. I am COVID negative, so there was no risk to those sitting right next to me. My friends are just ordinary people who have not been tested, so they dutifully wore their masks in order to signal their intention to protect me from being infected by them.”

Fauci admitted that his companions’ masks “were more symbolic than functional. Numerous tests have shown that the virus particles are much smaller than the gaps between the threads of the masks. Expecting the masks to prevent exhaled virus particles from escaping is like expecting a screen door to block the wind. A few of the particles will hit the threads flush and be blocked, but the vast majority will sail right through. My recommendation for people to wear masks is a psychological ploy to reinforce awareness of the virus and to discourage people from unnecessarily venturing outside of their homes.”

Minnesota AG Says Cops Shouldn’t Respond to Rapes

Minnesota Attorney General Keith Ellison (D) says that “unless there is clear evidence that a rapist is still at the same location as the victim, police should not be dispatched to the crime scene, but should refer the victim to a social worker. Look, the victim has already suffered enough trauma. At this point she needs medical attention and psychological counseling not police interrogation.”

Ellison downplayed the idea that a police presence at the crime scene would help preserve evidence and improve the chance that the perpetrator would ultimately be apprehended, contending that “getting an early start on the healing process is probably more important than arresting a suspect. After all, the line between consensual sex and rape is often blurry. The suspected rapist might have had very good reasons for his actions. The issue of whether the encounter was or wasn’t rape could be controversial. Either way, though, the victim’s need for social services is clear and indisputable. Getting a quick start on this aspect of the encounter seems a higher priority to me.”

The Attorney General went on to argue that “rape isn’t the only instance in which it might be better if police don’t get involved. As we saw in the George Floyd case, if social workers had been called instead of police he would still be alive today. So, I think what we need to do is make people aware that they have an alternative to calling 911. If we could establish a similar three digit phone number for people to call in order to get a quick response from a social worker, fewer people would be killed by cops and more people would get the counseling they urgently need.”

China Urges American Voters to “Oust Anti-Progressive Trump”

The the Chinese Communist Party-run China Global Television Network (CGTN) issued a video plea to American voters asking them to vote President Trump out of office.

The coronavirus pandemic gives Americans an unprecedented opportunity to end capitalist oppression in their country and join the progressive states of the world,” CGTN broadcaster Dung Chow said. “In China we have conquered the virus using severe lockdowns, pervasive surveillance, and harsh penalties for violators. But in America under Trump people have been inexplicably left free in many places to deviate from the stern measures recommended by experts like Dr. Fauci.”

The broadcast ended with an entreaty for voters “to reject the incompetent individualism that Trump has allowed to ravage the country and opt for the collective security that our great friend Joe Biden is offering as the better alternative.”

Charlamagne Tha God & Biden Disagree on Racism

This week the Democrat nominee for President Joe Biden declared Donald Trump to be “the nation’s first racist president.”

Host of the “Breakfast Club” radio talk show Charlamagne Tha God, who was previously insulted by Biden’s proclamation that any black who doesn’t vote for him “ain’t black,” took offense. “Joe Biden should shut the eff up forever for saying something so stupid,” he said. “Lyndon Johnson freely used the N-word when referring to blacks. FDR incarcerated more than a hundred thousand Americans of Japanese descent because of their race. Woodrow Wilson segregated the federal bureaucracy. Twelve other presidents owned slaves. And all but one were white. It would be more accurate to say that every president except Obama was likely a racist.”

Apprised of Charlamagne’s remarks, Biden hastened to agree that “former President Obama is definitely not a racist. As for the others, just let me point out that Delaware, the state I represented in the US Senate, was once a slave state. Perhaps my perspectives on the previous presidents was influenced by this fact. I couldn’t have repeatedly won reelection to the Senate if I’d gone around calling all those great men racists just because they owned slaves.”

Michigan Gov Cuts $115 Million from Police

Gov. Gretchen Whitmer (D-Mich) issued an executive order cutting $115 million from the State Police budget. In addition, she also cut $392 million from the Department of Corrections. She characterized the cuts as a “crime reduction” measure.

I got the idea from the way we are recording and reporting the coronavirus statistics,” she said. “The more tests we take the more COVID-positive cases we find. This makes the pandemic look worse than it really is. Well, what if the same is true of our state’s crime statistics? If we put fewer police out there fewer crimes will be uncovered. If we have fewer prisons to house convicted offenders the population of incarcerated persons will decline. This will make the state seem more law-abiding than it really is.”

Whitmer defended this statistical manipulation, calling it “good for the state’s economy. A lower reported crime rate will attract more businesses and residents to our state. This, in turn, will boost state tax collections. The increased revenues will enable us to fund more social programs and garner more votes for the Democratic Party in subsequent elections. It’s a ‘win-win’ outcome for all Michiganders.”

Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden called Whitmer’s action “an important breakthrough that has put her back in the race to be my vice-presidential running mate. This is the kind of creative and inspired leadership this nation needs to recover from the mismanagement that has characterized the Trump Administration.”

CNN Host Flabbergasted

CNN talking head Don Lemon professed himself “flabbergasted” by US Attorney General William Barr’s characterization of the violent protests following the death of George Floyd as “extreme.”

How can an old white guy like Barr comprehend the righteous rage of people protesting the murder of an innocent black man by the Minneapolis Police?” Lemon asked. “How can he not perceive the justice of tearing down the society that makes crimes like the one perpetrated against Floyd possible? Looted merchandise, burned down buildings, and a few random deaths seem a small price to pay for the kind of transformation the protesters are seeking.”

In related news, Lemon flunked the same cognitive test that President Trump aced last year. His inability to tell whether the animal pictured in one of the questions on the test was an elephant, hippo, or rhino was his undoing. Fellow CNN talking head Chris Cuomo administered the test and raucously mocked Lemon for “being dumber than Trump.”

NYC’s Occupy City Hall Camp’s Legacy of Filth

After dispersing a gang of protesters camping in Lower Manhattan this week, police discovered that the residents had been using a nearby subway ventilation grate as a toilet. A disgusted neighborhood resident described witnessing “many individuals take turns squatting and sh****g right out in full view of everyone walking along the sidewalk.”

Mayor Bill de Blasio apologized “for evicting these people. Exercising basic bodily functions is both a natural and a human right protected by the US Constitution. The notion that it should be done privately behind closed doors and in a properly designed facility is a middle class prejudice that I hope we can eventually overcome. But there were just too many complaints from the taxpaying health nuts living and working nearby to let this go on.”

In related news, de Blasio vowed to sue if Trump orders federal agents to defend federal property in New York City. “The people of New York City have an inalienable right to destroy the property of the government oppressing them,” he said. “The Boston Tea Party established this fundamental principle of our democracy way back in 1773.”

Chicago Mayor Explains Reluctance to Accept Fed Aid

Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot (D) says she doesn’t want President Trump’s assistance to combat the ongoing nightly massacres of mostly black city residents. She disputed Trump’s assertion that her City is shortchanging the black community by not taking stronger steps to tamp down the violence.

It is not for a white man to say whether a black woman’s handling of law enforcement shortchanges her people,” Mayor Lightfoot maintained. “The voters elected me, not him. I should be left alone to decide what steps are needed. Federal intervention is not one of the steps I want to see taken.”

Trump called Lightfoot’s position “mystifying. Seventy-five percent of the people being murdered in Chicago are black, many of them very young children. This is horrendous carnage. We cannot allow criminals to kill at will. This needs to be stopped. We’re offering to assist the local police force with a surge of some of the best crime fighters in the nation. I don’t see how this offer of assistance hurts the law-abiding people of Chicago.”

Lightfoot pointed out that “what Trump neglects to mention is that more than 70% of the murders are committed by blacks. These are the people I’m afraid will get hurt by a too aggressive anti-crime effort of the 200 federal agents he wants to send to Chicago.”

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

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