Goya CEO Won’t Apologiz

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

This week Goya Foods President and CEO Bob Unanue participated in the White House Hispanic Prosperity Initiative. The Initiative asked Hispanic business owners and managers for their ideas on how the Trump Administration could help improve opportunities within the economic and educational realm for prosperity among Hispanics. Unanue’s praise for this initiative sparked a firestorm of hate from anti-Trump hysterics demanding that he apologize or face a boycott of his company’s products.

In contrast to typical corporate CEOs, Unanue held his ground and refused to apologize. “Unlike President Obama, President Trump is genuinely concerned with the prosperity of all Americans,” Unanue pointed out. “He understands that successful enterprise is what is needed to lift people out of poverty and into the ranks of the middle class and higher. His request for our input exhibited a confidence in our ability to achieve the American dream through our own efforts. The comparison with President Obama’s endless lectures asking us to accept the decline that he insisted was inevitable couldn’t be starker. I will not apologize for cooperating with President Trump in his efforts to help us help ourselves to make better lives for our people.”

The Biden campaign promised to “undo any agreements reached by any groups with the Trump Administration. Capitalism has been tried and failed. Dismantling this perverse ideology of self-reliance and replacing it with a fairer system run by the government for the good of all is something voters can count on when Joe is elected.”

2017 Memo Proves Obama Admin Knew Flynn Was Innocent

This week’s declassification of a memo written in January 2017 revealed that the Obama Administration Department of Justice and the FBI knew that Trump’s National Security Advisor Gen. Michael Flynn was neither a liar nor a Russian agent. Nevertheless, this information was concealed and Flynn was persecuted by Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s team and coerced into agreeing to a false plea of “lying to the FBI.”

Revelation of this exonerating evidence supports the recent DOJ decision to withdraw its prosecution of Flynn and dismiss the charges. However, trial Judge Emmet Sullivan is appealing the dismissal of charges to the U.S. Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit. “At this point it doesn’t matter whether the original charges against Gen. Flynn are true or false,” Sullivan argues. “He agreed to plead guilty. Allowing him to withdraw that plea is akin to allowing a poker player who has folded to a bluff to try to replay the hand. He may regret his decision not to call the bluff, but he is not entitled to escape paying the price.”

The Court of Appeals has given Judge Sullivan and the DOJ ten days to present written arguments of 3,900 words or less on why the case against Flynn should or shouldn’t be dismissed.

In related news, the FBI says it won’t release evidence related to Seth Rich’s murder and Hillary Clinton’s emails until after the November elections. Director Christopher Wray contended that “it would be unprofessional for our agency to provide information that might reflect poorly on one political party prior to voters going to the polls. In this regard, I am adhering to the behavior modeled by my predecessor James Comey when he derailed the prosecution of Hillary Clinton for illegal transmission of classified information over unsecure media prior to the 2016 elections.”

Judicial Watch Sues DC

Judicial Watch announced that it has filed a civil rights lawsuit against Mayor Muriel Bowser and other officials for First Amendment violations. The gist of the suit is that the DC government has refused to allow the organization to paint the message “Because No One Is Above the Law!” on a DC street. Previously, Black Lives Matter was allowed to paint its message on a DC street.

City streets are not an appropriate canvas for painting political messages,” Bowser said. “Considering how many political slogans can be generated, it wouldn’t be long before every street had one. Soon, the impact of every message would be diluted by the cacophony of contending ideas. This would do irreparable harm to the Black Lives Matter message I already approved.”

Then there also is the content of Judicial Watch’s proposed message that needs to be considered,” the Mayor added. “It is not a politically approved meme. It asserts an idea that would severely restrict the government’s flexibility in assessing each particular situation. There may be compelling reasons for determining that particular individuals need to be excused from obeying the law. The recent demonstrations against police brutality are a case in point. Normally, assaulting police, vandalizing property, looting stores, and burning down buildings are crimes. However, given 400 years of racist oppression can we really say that these crimes aren’t justified?”

Seattle City Council to Cut Police Budget 50 Percent

A 7-2 majority of the Seattle City Council has pledged to vote for a 50% cut in funding for the police. Council member Kshama Sawant explained that “it turns out that most of what is called ‘crime’ is just a difference of opinion between the affected parties. These kinds of disagreements are spawned by the rotten capitalistic system foisted on us by white privilege. Since we are going to replace this system with socialism it makes no sense to invest money to fund police intervention into these types of disputes.”

The Councilwoman cited the recent Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone as “an example of what a future socialist Seattle will look like. There was no paid police force. Armed volunteers patrolled the streets and implemented enlightened social justice without having the constraint of written laws. I was particularly impressed by the prevailing social rule that white residents were required to give $10 to any person-of-color who asked for it. This demonstrated that a more just redistribution of wealth could be achieved without the expense of a large bureaucracy to effect the transfer.”

Sawant’s efforts got some encouragement from House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) who called replacing professional police with local volunteers “an interesting experiment. The idea that police should reflexively oppose spontaneous action to redistribute property deserves a more thorough test than what took place over a few weeks in a few blocks of the City. We need to see what people will do when they don’t have to fear police interfering with what they want to do.”

Fauci Unfazed by Forecast Starvation

The humanitarian group Oxfam’s warning that the economic shutdowns imposed to combat the coronavirus may lead to more than 120 million additional people starving to death this year was brushed off by viral expert Dr. Anthony Fauci as “a false narrative. Look, millions of people starving to death each year is normal. The coronavirus is novel. It is incumbent that this novel threat remain the primary focus of world heath efforts.”

I am especially concerned about the rise in the number of confirmed cases that has followed the risky decision to allow nonessential businesses and activities to prematurely resume,” the Doctor lamented. “I take little comfort in the declining fatality rates among those now testing positive for the virus. Those who recover without the benefit of the vaccine that Bill Gates and I have invested our efforts in promoting will undermine public faith in the science I have been preaching for the last six months. Even worse, a relapse into dependence on the sixty-year old hydroxychloroquine drug impinges on the financial incentives for developing more expensive and redundant alternative therapies.”

Fauci saved his harshest criticism for President Trump, saying that “his eagerness to get back to normal runs the risk of throwing away much of what we have already accomplished. The level of obedience to autocratic dictates attained over the last few months has been astounding. The willingness of the average American to do as they are told is a significant breakthrough in our ‘land of the free.’ The skepticism of autocratic rule that would arise from a successful reopening of the economy will destroy the momentum of the fundamental transformation of this country that is now within our grasp.”

China Condemns Australia Safe Haven

In a bid to rescue Hong Kong residents from being oppressed by the Chinese Commuinist Government’s crackdown on dissent in the semi-autonomous region, the government of Australia has offered pathways to permanent residency for people fleeing.

China’s Ambassador Cheng Jingye denounced this offer, calling it “an infringement on our right to control our people. Unlike Australia, we are a collectivist society. All persons residing within our borders are ours to do with as we please. The attempt to impute western ideas alleging individual rights to free speech, free enterprise, and free movement to the people of Hong Kong have no merit.”

The Ambassador went on to warn that “China will assert its ownership rights to these people wherever they may flee to. Any attempt on the part of Australia to interfere may be met with the irresistible force of Chinese arms.”

CNN Loons Laugh Off Rising Crime Rates

CNN’s Chris Cuomo and Don Lemon teamed up to mock other media for reporting on the surge of violent crimes being committed in several major cities. This year, New York City has seen the worst gun violence in 25 years. Los Angeles saw a 250% increase in crime—including a 56% increase in shootings compared to last year. In Chicago, shootings were up by 76% compared to a year ago.

Lemon characterized the reporting as “racist. Black people shooting Black people is nothing new. It has been a pattern stretching back decades. To act all alarmed about it now is plays into the hands of our racist president. Likewise, the vandalism, looting, and arson accompanying the Black Lives Matter demonstrations are being cast as a major disruption of life and threat to safety. Since when has safety been something that the government should guarantee?”

Yeah,” Cuomo agreed. “Safety is something white people expect. Black people have had to live in crime-ridden neighborhoods since forever. Why shouldn’t white people have to get used to it?”

I think our colleagues on other stations and in the newspapers need to get back in line,” Lemon demanded. “The only person helped by focusing on crime rates is Trump. He’s the one campaigning for law and order. Biden and the Democrats are on-board with the idea of scaling back police and law enforcement. They’ll never get the chance to fully implement this policy if Trump and the Republicans win in November. All of us in the news business have to do our part to help Democrats retake control of the federal government.”

I’m with you on that Bro,” Cuomo added.

In related news, Cuomo assailed the concept of freedom of choice, saying that “the notion that each person should be free to choose how he wants to live is out-dated. Everything we do affects others. The only free choice that can be allowed is the freedom to make the right choice. Those who can’t do this voluntarily will have to be forced to do what’s right.”

Vandalizing Douglass Statue Defended by BLM Kook

Among the list of statues torn down during the current rage against American history was the Rochester, New York homage to Frederick Douglass. Born a slave in 1818, Douglass escaped and became one of the most eloquent opponents of slavery in America. Why was his statue torn down?

It seems that Douglass’ sin was arguing that the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution laid the groundwork for the abolition of slavery. He called for the nation to live up to the principles of equality and liberty expressed in these documents by emancipating the slaves.

Yusra Khogali, a co-founder of the Black Lives Matter chapter in Toronto, explained that “glorifying the words of slave-holder Thomas Jefferson that all men are created equal like Douglass did is unacceptable. White people are a genetic defect of blackness. They are subhuman. Black people could literally wipe out the white race if we had power. Until then I pray to Allah everyday to give me the strength to not kill white folks.”

In related news, South African Cardinal Wilfrid Fox Napier tweeted that “a brief study of the founding statement of the Black Lives Matter organization indicates the movement is being hijacked by parties committed to dismantling the very values, structures and institutions which have over the centuries undergirded the best civilizations and cultures.”

Faculty Want University Name Changed

The faculty of Washington & Lee University are uncomfortable with the name and are recommending it be changed “to better conform with contemporary sensitivities.” George Washington was an early benefactor and Robert E. Lee was a former president of the university.

The three permanent Black faculty members at the university’s law school want both names removed. Brandon Hasbrouck, an alumnus and associate professor of law suggested a compromise that would remove only Lee’s name. As for what the new name should be, opinions are divided.

History Professor Zinn Howard wants the school to be rechristened Marx & Lenin University “to more accurately reflect the direction the nation will be taking in the future. Marx was the genius who deciphered human history’s inevitable march toward a communist utopia. Lenin was the man of action who implemented the first positive step in 1917.”

Gender Studies Professor Ethel Herman feared that “Professor Howard’s suggestion might be too much, too soon. I think it might be better to take a more gradual path toward his ultimate destination. Perhaps Wilson & Roosevelt would be more acceptable. Both Woodrow Wilson and Franklin Roosevelt adapted Marx’s collectivist vision into distinctly American format.”

Student body president Alfred Neuman argued against “cramming in some new name. No famous person is without scandal of some sort. Let’s just erase both names and retain only the ampersand. The resulting ‘& University’ allows us to imagine it to be anything we want it to be.”

In related news, the faculty of Princeton University wrote a letter to the administration expressing its disgust with “the school’s rampant anti-blackness” and demanded “48 reforms”–including “ideological conformity in future faculty hiring” and “a non-white committee dedicated to purging racism from all publications—past and future.” “We must be free to teach the truth to our students without the distraction of unwarranted questioning from either students in the classroom or heretical articles in academic journals,” the letter concluded.

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

High Court Invalidates Louisiana Abortion Law

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

In a 5-4 decision, the US Supreme Court Struck down a Louisiana law requiring that persons performing abortions have admitting privileges at a nearby hospital.

In the majority opinion, Justice Stephen Breyer explained that “since the objective of an abortion is, of necessity, the death of the unborn baby it makes no sense to require that persons seeking this objective have recourse to aid that could only be intended to save a life. This applies to the doctor who has been hired expressly for the purpose of preventing the unwanted life and to the mother who has hired him.”

Breyer also took on the contingency of possible complications that could threaten the life of the aborting mother, saying that “the risk to a woman seeking to kill her unwanted child cannot be separated from the choice to have the procedure performed at a facility where there is no access to a nearby hospital. The state has no obligation to protect her from such risk should she be unwise enough in her selection of where to attempt the termination of her child.”

Joining Breyer in this decision were Justices Ruth Ginsburg, Elena Kagan, Sonia Sotomayor, and Chief Justice John Roberts.

School Org to Change Slogan

The Knowledge is Power Program (KIPP) announced it is retiring the slogan “Work hard. Be Nice.” Richard Barth, KIPP Foundation CEO, said “the amazing financial success of the Black Lives Matter (BLM) organization’s business plan of ‘Break Stuff, Get Paid’ has inspired us to rethink our message.”

Clearly, the ‘work hard and be nice’ model only works in a civilized free society.” Barth declared. “If we examine the hundred thousand years that homo sapiens have lived we observe that in only a few hundred years and in very few places have we seen free societies. The ‘break stuff and get paid’ uncivilized model has dominated human life on Earth. Rather than be out-of-step with the more basic human nature of aggression and looting we need to reevaluate how KIPP can be more relevant going forward.”

Barth acknowledged that “the ‘work hard and be nice’ approach has led to a significant lessening of poverty. However, since poverty has been the normal human condition for the vast majority of people around the world for almost the entirety of history what right do we have to try to impose prosperity on an unwilling population? In a few short weeks BLM has hauled in billions of dollars in donations from businesses trying to protect their property from further damage. Further, polls shows that nearly two-thirds of respondents say they support BLM. As scientists, we must yield to this empirical proof indicating that ‘break stuff and get paid’ better matches human nature and works for those who adopt this strategy.”

Clinton Knocks Trump’s COVID Response

In an interview with The Hollywood Reporter, loser of the 2016 presidential election Hillary Clinton boasts that “I would’ve done a better job handling the pandemic than Trump.”

First, if I had been the president when the virus struck there would have been no need to shut down the economy,” Clinton asserted. “The only reason for shutting down the economy was to deflate the economic gains in profits and jobs sparked by Trump’s tax cuts and deregulation. This unwarranted prosperity would never have happened if I were running the federal government. Dr. Fauci wouldn’t have been allowed to issue dire forecasts and the media would not have been actively campaigning for a shutdown.

Second, there wouldn’t have been a hydroxychloroquine sideshow diverting our medical efforts into a dead end therapy,” she said. “Trump’s endorsement of this unproven medication wasted valuable time that could’ve been better used to craft a uniform approach to handling the disease. His allowing individual doctors to follow independent treatments fostered inequality of results. Now, people are confused, uncertain, and skeptical of government directives. If I had been president there would have been one voice, one option, and unquestioning obedience rather than the cacophony of argument and dissent that we see today.”

You know, one of the important lessons we have learned from this crisis is that the government has the authority to discern between what is essential and what is not,” Clinton added. “The widespread acceptance of this principle among the population shows that we can finally redirect the nation’s resources toward activities of importance to the government and collective well-being. If we tell people to stay home, they will stay home. If we tell people to report neighbors who are disobeying, they will report them. The freedom fanatics who said the American people wouldn’t abide such intrusions on liberty were finally proven wrong.”

In related news, a large-scale study conducted by the Henry Ford Health System and published in the peer-reviewed International Journal of Infectious Diseases, found that among 2,541 patients hospitalized for COVID-19 those treated with hydroxychloroquine (13% fatalities) were half as likely to die as those who did not receive the drug (26.4% fatalities). Hydroxychloroquine costs $37 for 100 tablets. Strangely, Dr. Anthony Fauci is recommending the unproven alternative Remdesivir at $520 per vial and a six vial course of treatment.

Epstein Partner in Crime Arrested

Ghislaine Maxwell, the accused procurer of under-aged sex slaves for Jeffrey Epstein’s bordello for the powerful and famous, was very publicly arrested by the FBI this week.

FBI spokesperson Richard Ratsinger emphasized that “she is fully cooperating and will be naming names. No one who has participated in Epstein’s sordid exploitation of minors for the sexual pleasure of the rich and powerful can expect to escape our net.”

Ratsinger pointed out that “for those who are interested in her forthcoming testimony, she will be held in the same jail where Epstein hanged himself against his will last year. Whether Maxwell will live long enough to bring down the mighty is an open question. All we can promise is that the FBI will do its best to try to ensure an optimal outcome.”

Hillary Clinton, wife of a frequent customer of Epstein’s “Pleasure Island” sexploitation enterprise, expressed her sympathy for Ms. Maxwell, saying “I can imagine how depressed she must feel right now. I know I’d be suicidal if I were in her shoes. Seeing what happened to Jeffrey, I think it would be remarkable if she lives long enough to testify.”

Minnesota Gov Wants Feds to Pay for Riot Damage

Minnesota Gov. Tim Walz (D) is demanding that the federal government “pay its fair share for repairing the damage done in our state by the George Floyd rioters.” The damage estimate comes to $500 million.

Walz acknowledged that he had refused President Trump’s offer of assistance to quell the rioting, but still maintained that “it was the President’s obligation to override my mistaken refusal. Obviously, I severely misjudged the situation. He should have seen I wasn’t up to the job of maintaining order and stepped in. Sure, I probably would’ve denounced him for violating state’s rights and the media would’ve blasted him, but he’s got to be the bigger man and let bygones be bygones.”

Senator Holds Promotions Hostage

Sen. Tammy Duckworth (D-Ill) says she will block Senate confirmation of 1,123 senior U.S. Armed Forces promotions unless Defense Secretary Mark Esper agrees to promote Army Lt. Col. Alexander Vindman.

Vindman served on the White House National Security Council and gained fame for testifying in the House impeachment hearings that, in his opinion, Trump was too aggressively pushing Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky to investigate corruption at the Burisma corporation. Burisma also paid Hunter Biden—son of then Vice-President Joe Biden–$80,000 per month for a “no show” job on the company’s Board of Directors. Trump fired Vindman from his White House job four months ago.

Duckworth called Vindman “the most heroic member of this country’s armed forces since John Kerry. He courageously went outside of the chain of command and worked with Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Cailf) in the unsuccessful effort to remove Trump from office. It is simply wrong for any Commander in Chief to meddle in routine military matters to block Col. Vindman’s advancement.”

Esper disagreed with “Sen. Duckworth’s attempt to hold up the promotion of more than a thousand deserving officers. It is simply wrong for any member of Congress to inject herself into the process of evaluating which officers to promote at a given time. Lt. Col. Vindman will be treated like any other officer. If, in the judgment of his superior officers, he deserves promotion he will get it. The Senator’s attempt to get special treatment for one person is unacceptable interference.”

Minneapolis Diverts Money to Private Security

While defunding the police has become the cause du jour for the City Council, they have approved funds to provide personal security for members of the Council.

Council Vice President Andrea Jenkins defended the seemingly contradictory actions by insisting “there is a difference between making sure those governing the city are kept safe from harm and needlessly squandering scarce resources to fund police protection for the general public. Unlike the common people, Council members are essential to the smooth operation of the government. There are only eight of us. None can be spared. There are more than 400,000 residents of the City. We can afford to take casualties among this surplus of people.”

Furthermore, as a transsexual I am an even rarer and hence more precious member of society,” Jenkins contended. “All over the world more resources are devoted to protecting the most precious assets. Why should it be any different in our City?”

Woman Loses Internship Over Threat to Stab People

This week, Harvard graduate Claira Janover tweeted a threat saying that “the next person who has the sheer nerve, the sheer entitled caucasity, to say ‘All Lives Matter,’ I’ma stab you. I’ma stab you, and while you’re struggling and bleeding out, I’ma show you my paper cut and say, ‘My cut matters too.’“ She was surprised shortly afterward to learn that Deloitte, an accounting firm based in the United Kingdom, subsequently uninvited her to intern for them.

She then posted a tearful video in which she said “the job that I’d worked really hard to get and meant a lot to me has called me and fired me because of everything. Trump supporters took my job away from me. I have gotten death threats, rape threats, violent threats. Now my future’s entirely compromised because Trump supporters have decided to come for my life. God, this sucks. You guys suck.” This performance netted her $10,000 in donations.

Later at the daily White House press briefing, CNN’s Jim Acosta demanded to know “why Trump had Claira Janover fired.” Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany denied that Trump had anything to do with the firing. “The President only fires people who work for him and then only if they are not adequately performing their job.”

A spokesman for Deloitte denied that Trump or anyone else influenced the company’s decision to withdraw the internship offer, saying tersely that “it is simply against company policy to employ anyone who threatens to harm another person.”

Seattle Autonomous Zone Invaded

On Wednesday, Mayor Jenny Durkan finally ordered police to retake the six-by-six-block square the City had surrendered to protesters three weeks earlier. It wasn’t the fact that crimes committed in the zone were up by more than 500% compared to the previous year; it wasn’t the fact that residents trapped in the zone were subjected to nightly terror and violence; it wasn’t the squalor, garbage, and filth permeating the zone that prompted her decision. It was the fact that City Councilwoman Kshama Sawant led a mob of zone squatters in a march to the Mayor’s home that did the trick.

These people showed no regard for my safety,” Durkan complained. “I allowed them to occupy the zone. I looked the other way while they engaged in crude, lewd, and uncivilized behavior. I invented the ‘summer of love’ meme to cover the savage reality of what was taking place and they returned the favor by threatening me in my home.”

Sawant labeled Durkan “a sissy who quakes in the face of the justified rage of an oppressed people. By what right is she entitled to live in peace while others suffer? We made some noise outside her house. So what? At least we didn’t drag her out and tear her limb from limb. Nor did we burn her house down. We could’ve easily done both. Now, after us showing restraint she wants the City Council to expel me for revealing the location of her residence? That’s a pure ‘white privilege’ attitude on her part.”

In related news, Sawant blamed capitalism for the shooting of two teenagers in the autonomous zone earlier in the week. A sixteen-year old was killed and a fourteen-year wounded as they tried to enter the zone in a stolen jeep. “Look, if it weren’t for capitalism there wouldn’t be jeeps or guns,” she argued. “At worst, these two youngsters might have been stabbed or clubbed to death if capitalism had never been allowed to bring the innovations that created the motorized vehicle the youths drove and the automatic weapons the CHOP border patrol used to shoot them.”

Wife Explains Why Biden Will Win

Former Vice-President Joe Biden’s wife Jill is predicting that “Joe will get a lot of Republican votes this November. Sure he seems a bit demented from time to time, but who isn’t? As he pointed out the other day to a question from a lying dog-face reporter, he is constantly tested for cognitive decline. Most of the time he passes. I think that a majority of voters will consider that a pretty good average compared to themselves. Joe certainly knows enough to recognize that Trump’s tax cuts were a mistake. High taxes are needed to ensure that resources are used wisely rather than squandered on frivolous personal expenditures like starting a small business that is later looted and burned down by rioters. Most small businesses that aren’t looted and burned down eventually fail anyway. Joe’s plan to boost taxes will avert these failures by preventing these kind of lame-brained business ventures from ever getting started.”

In related news, Joe Biden took issue with President Trump’s suspension of H-1B visas for importing foreign workers while unemployment for Americans is so high. “H-1B foreign workers built this country,” Biden insisted. “Without them there would have been no feasible way for slave states like my home state of Delaware to import the labor needed to man the plantations crucial to our economy in the past or the convenience market and donut vendors crucial to the workingman’s diet today. Undoing this suspension will be one of my first acts as this country’s new president in 2021.”

Gov Regrets Not Releasing Inmate

The passing of 74-year-old death row inmate Richard Stitely due to COVID-19 hit Gov Gavin Newsom (D-Calif) hard this week. “I could have saved him,” the teary-eyed Governor lamented. “Normally, death row prisoners live for decades. Poor Richard’s untimely demise after only ten years was a sad twist of fate. If only I had released him like I have released so many others—more than 3,000 I think—to spare them from the coronavirus he could right now be walking the streets and doing the things he loved when he was alive and a free man.”

Maybe I shouldn’t be so glum,” the Governor admitted. “Not everything went bad this week. After all, I was able to issue an executive order banning singing in church. And my Plumpjack Winery was one of the few in the state to escape being ordered to shutdown. So, on balance, I guess the week was more good than bad.”

Trump’s Opposition to Riots “Politically Motivated”

Former President Obama blasted President Trump’s opposition to the riots sweeping the country, calling it “politically motivated. Obviously, the chaos in our streets hurts Trump’s reelection hopes. The polls clearly show this situation to be pushing voters toward Vice-President Biden. Rather than continue to denounce those intent on destroying the old America, President Trump should strive to unify the country by joining Joe to support this transformation to a new normal.”

Obama’s position was applauded by Iranian Ayatollah Lotfollah Dezhkam: “We too congratulate those who are carrying out the ‘death to America’ wishes of every righteous Muslim. It is good to see that our great friend Barack Obama has once again entered the battle for Islamic supremacy.”

Schiff Boosts Trump’s Reelection Chances

With polls showing a double-digit lead for Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden over President Donald Trump, House Intelligence Committee Chairman Adam Schiff (D-Calif) announced that he will move to Canada if Trump wins in November.

Schiff’s staff were reportedly dismayed by this announcement. In an off-the-record comment, staff member Patrick Boland observed that “as hated as Schiff is among Trump’s base of deplorables, the chance that they might get him to leave will undoubtedly energize them. We don’t think it will be enough to overcome Biden’s big lead, but stranger things have happened. Adam’s word doesn’t count for much with the average voter outside of his district. They might think that he’s lying about leaving. After all, none of the people who threatened to leave if Trump won in 2016 have actually followed through.”

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Poll: Voters Turning to Dems for Protection

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

A new Rasmussen poll shows a plurality of voters (49 percent) are ready to elect former Vice-President Joe Biden “to scale back the violence that is tearing our cities apart.”

A poll respondent from New York City explained that “paying for protection is the best option we have. Sure, it’s extortion, but what choice do we have? The reality is that it is better to pay off those controlling the mobs who stand ready to destroy everything a bigger slice of our hard-earned money than to see them wreck everything like they have been doing the past month.”

A respondent from Minneapolis gave a similar answer, saying “with the police being abolished we have nowhere to turn for protection against these thugs. It is better to live as serfs under the thumb of criminals than to be killed by them. If we vote Biden in we’re hoping that as head ‘capo’ he can rein-in the destruction by establishing a reasonable wealth redistribution scheme.”

House Blocks Resolution Condemning Riots

A resolution sponsored by Rep. Greg Steube (R-Fla) “calling for justice for George Floyd and others, and condemning violence and rioting” failed to attract a single Democratic vote in support.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) pointed out that “law and order is the Republican knee-jerk response to the exuberant and robust protests on behalf of racial justice that have been taking place. The value of the property stolen, damaged or destroyed pales in comparison to the centuries of injustice that have stained America from the very beginning of time. The Democratic Party will not permit these lesser crimes from being denigrated as the Republicans would have us do. Sometimes protests are violent. That doesn’t mean they are illegitimate.”

Biden Vows to Mandate COVID Safety Measures

Alarmed by the 120 million COVID-19 fatalities since the beginning of the pandemic, Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden promised “I will use the unconstrained powers of the presidency to ensure maximum protection for everyone who is still alive after I am elected. I only hope I am not too late.”

Among the protective equipment Biden says he intends to distribute are face masks and hazmat suits. “This equipment combined with a nationwide lockdown barring all nonessential activity will give our people the best chance of surviving the virus,” he said. “There will be no need for anyone to venture out and take unnecessary risks. The government will deliver food and medicine for however long it takes for an effective vaccine to emerge.”

Over the longer term, I will implement measures to help repopulate the country,” Biden added. “These will include open borders, birthing bonuses, and total economic support for every woman who is willing to be a full time parent. This will include food, housing, clothing, and recreation.”

The one thing I fear most is that there might not be any people left come November,” Biden admitted. “With 120 million killed over the last three months and the COVID infection rate accelerating to new peaks every day the survival of a sufficient breeding contingent seems very iffy. We may need our military to depose Trump before November if we hope to avoid such a dismal future.”

Speaking of health, the Biden Cancer Initiative spends nearly 80% of the donations it receives on salaries conferences, conventions, and meetings. The benchmark for a well-run charity is for these expenses to consume 25% or less of donations. Joe Biden rebuffed the contention that there is anything wrong with his charity by pointing out that “a lot of good people got good jobs working for the Cancer Initiative” and “the Clinton Foundation has a similar breakdown for its expenditures.”

Nearly 20 Percent of New Jersey Mail-in Ballots Fraudulent

In a preview of what may transpire with a wider expansion of vote-by-mail this November, almost 20% of the mailed-in ballots in the Paterson, New Jersey municipal election of May 12 were declared fraudulent. Of the more than 3,000 ballots disqualified, 800 were bundled together and 2,300 had non-matching signatures. Paterson City Councilman Michael Jackson, Councilman-Elect Alex Mendez, Shelim Khalique, and Abu Razyen were charged with vote-fraud by Attorney General Gurbir Grewal.

Jackson called the charges “a big misunderstanding. With so many voters shut-in because of the pandemic we took the initiative to go to their homes and carry their ballots to the mail box. In some cases, these voters asked me to fill in the ballots for them since they were feeling weak from the virus. If I had rejected these requests these voters would have been disenfranchised.”

As for signatures not matching, Jackson asserted that “persons rendered non compos ments by the virus shouldn’t have their votes disqualified just because their signatures didn’t match those on the voter rolls or were illegible. It’s possible that other family members or household residents may have assisted in the casting of these ballots for those who were not conscious or coherent enough to do it themselves. Disqualifying these ballots is voter suppression.”

House Dems Vote to Make DC “Autonomous Zone”

Inspired by “the exhilarating success of the Seattle Capitol Hill Organized Protest (CHOP) autonomous zone,” the US House of Representatives, by a vote of 232-180, enacted legislation declaring the District of Columbia “the autonomous Douglass Commonwealth.” The “zone” will consist of two square miles, comprising the Capitol and White House, the National Mall and other major federal buildings.

House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer (D-Md) boasted that “in addition to adding two more Democratic senators and one representative to Congress, the new zone, like the one in Seattle, will have complete authority over who is and isn’t let inside. We expect the new emperor of the zone, current DC Mayor Muriel Bowser (D), will have no problem admitting Democrats to freely enter and exit the zone. However, given the unrepentant racism of Republicans, she may decide to deny admission or incarcerate them after they cross the border.”

While DC may have been the first, Hoyer says that “our Party is looking at many other cities that deserve a similar recognition of their importance in the ‘new normal’ we are trying to establish. New York, Chicago, and Los Angeles immediately come to mind. Each of these cities has a larger population than most of the states. Each deserves a larger say in government policy and a right to decide who may be allowed to enter and what rights or obligations these immigrants or visitors have.”

LeBron Demands NFL Pay Reparations to Kaepernick

Racial justice expert and National Basketball Association star LeBron James says “the National Football League owes former San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick an apology and reparations for their suppression of his career. He was on his way to greatness, but was denied the opportunity to achieve it for political reasons.”

Kaepernick had some success in the league and led his team to the 2013 Super Bowl where they lost to the Baltimore Ravens 34-31. The following season, the team finished the regular season 12-4, but lost in the Conference championship game. After these two stellar seasons, Kaepernick signed a six-year, $126 million contract extension with the 49ers. Things went down hill from there for the team and Kaepernick. By the 2016 season Kaepernick posted a 1-10 record as a starter, however, he did sit or kneel when the National Anthem was played prior to all the games. Kaepernick never played another game in any league, not even the XFL where he felt that his skills merited being paid 80 times the amount the league normally paid its quarterbacks.

James blamed discrimination for the downfall of “one of the most talented and heroic athletes in world history. At the very least the NFL should be awarding him back pay for all the years he went unsigned. On top of this, I think they should create a special life-time achieve award to acknowledge the Super Bowls and Most Valuable Player awards he would’ve won if he hadn’t been snubbed the past four years.”

Police-Free Neighborhood Tested

A progressive Minneapolis neighborhood that has decided to go without police is discovering a “new normal.” The area around Powderhorn Park has seen the neighborhood inundated with a 300-person homeless encampment. Traffic, drug use, and prostitution have become common.

Resident, Mitchell Erickson was assailed by two youths, one armed with a pistol, who tried to rob him. They wanted to steal his car, but he mistakenly gave them his house keys. While they were unsuccessfully trying to start his car, he called 911. He has since apologized “for endangering these boys. Luckily, they were able to steal someone else’s car before police arrived. I was so relieved. But I still feel guilty I wasn’t able to atone for my white privilege by letting them take my car.”

Nearby, Carrie Nightshade apologetically admitted that she won’t let her children play in the park because “it’s too dangerous. I don’t want to seem judgmental. Each person has a right to pursue happiness in his own way even if it does frighten others. If we’re going to learn to live without police we’re going to have to protect ourselves by staying inside and only going out when its absolutely necessary.”

In contrast black Minneapolis resident Leslie Taha rejected the notion that Black Lives Matter agitators have the best interests of blacks in mind. “The murder of George Floyd was horrific, but it does not represent the greatest threat to black lives,” he said. “Nearly 90% of the African-Americans who are murdered each year are killed by other African-Americans. That’s the greater threat we need to deal with and we need the police to to help with that.”

Meanwhile in Madison Wisconsin, State Senator Tim Carpenter (D-Milwaukee) was attacked and severely beaten by a mob engaged in toppling the statue of Hans Christian Heg—a Union soldier who died fighting against slavery during the Civil War—while he was taking photographs of their “peaceful demonstration.” Carpenter was mystified. “It’s not as if I were a Republican. I tried to tell them that numerous times while I was being punched and kicked. Their response ‘you’re white’ didn’t seem enough of a reason to me.” Gov. Tony Evers (D) agreed, “Carpenter has the proper views. There is no justification for him to be attacked.”

Nadler Calls for End to Durham Probe

Newly released documents written by Peter Strzok in 2017 proving that former President Barack Obama was active in the scheme to undermine the Trump Administration prompted House Judiciary Chairman Rep. Jerrod Nadler (D-NY) to demand an end to the coup investigation being conducted by U.S. Attorney John Durham.

James Comey, John Brennan, James Clapper, Peter Strzok, and all the rest were working at the explicit direction of President Obama,” Nadler said. “Whatever so-called crimes they may have committed under orders from the President were fully authorized. President Obama is immune because as President Nixon pointed out, under the Constitution if the president does something it is not illegal. So, by extension any federal government employee carrying out the president’s orders must also be immune.”

Instead of wasting the efforts of these patriotic and loyal employees, it is incumbent upon us to see through President Obama’s plan to save the country from what Trump’s own niece calls ‘the most dangerous man in the world’ and who Professor Noam Chomsky dubbed the ‘worst criminal in human history’ by impeaching him a second time,” Nadler maintained. “The lies and abuses of power employed by these patriots are trivial infringements compared to the existential threat to humanity posed by President Trump.”

Pelosi Says Trump Responsible for “George Kirby’s” Murder

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) laid the blame for George Floyd’s murder squarely on President Trump. She rejected the contention that since Minneapolis and Minnesota have been governed by Democrats for many decades they might be the ones responsible, calling this “state’s rights nonsense.”

Limited government is not an idea supported by the Democratic Party,” Pelosi said. “In our view, it is the right and obligation for the president to step in and overrule any action or policy undertaken by any subordinate level of government. President Trump’s failure to anticipate the cruel and unjust actions of Minneapolis police officer Derek Chauvin cannot be used as an excuse to absolve him of responsibility for the consequences.”

The Speaker contrasted Trump’s inaction with “the more aggressive stances taken by previous presidents. It was President George H.W. Bush who sent FBI agents to kill Randy Weaver’s wife and son at Ruby Ridge in Idaho in 1992. It was President Bill Clinton who sent the FBI to kill the Branch Davidians in Waco, Texas in 1993. These Chief Executives weren’t deterred by respect for local authority. Neither will President Joe Biden be deterred. In fact, if Biden had been president instead of Trump an FBI sniper would’ve taken out Chauvin the moment he sat on George Kirby’s neck. In November, voters will have the opportunity to replace the ‘do nothing’ Trump with a ‘no holds barred’ Biden. I think we all know how they will respond.”

Kerry Sees Revolution If Trump Wins

Former Secretary of State John Kerry predicted “there will be revolution if Trump wins in November.”

Considering how hated this man is, the only way he could win would be by suppressing the vote,” Kerry asserted. “Trump’s demands that the ballot be restricted to only those registered to vote excludes millions of people from having a say in who rules over them. Voting is a human right that shouldn’t be limited to only those who meet age, citizenship, residency requirements and fill out some unnecessary paperwork. Ballots should be mailed to every address and handed out to whoever shows up at the polls. People who feel strongly about the candidates should be allowed to vote as often as they can.”

Kerry contends that all losing Democrats—Gore, Hillary Clinton, and himself—were cheated by GOP vote suppression. “We were all too timid to stand up for our right to be president,” he insisted. “But as we can see from what’s been happening in the streets the last few weeks, the younger generation isn’t too shy to strike back against injustice. I’m confident that if Trump is declared the winner they will oust him from office by whatever means are necessary.”

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Cuomo: ‘I Won’t Allow Any Trump Rallies in My State’

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D-NY) vowed he would not permit President Trump to hold any campaign rallies in New York because “it’s politically motivated. The whole purpose of these rallies is to win an election. In my opinion, that’s not a sufficient reason for people to risk getting the COVID infection. Unlike Trump, I care about the lives of his supporters. So, for their sake, I won’t allow any Trump rallies in my state.”

The Governor contrasted “Trump’s irresponsible approach to the campaign with Vice-President Biden’s more considerate and safer campaign strategy. The Vice-President is modeling exemplary behavior by sheltering at home and issuing brief messages via Zoom. These messages have inspired a legion of foot-soldiers who are carrying that message to key locations around America. Racist statues are being torn down, racist businesses are being looted, and racist structures are being destroyed—all without unnecessarily spreading the virus. As all the polls are showing, voters will see and compare these contrasting campaign strategies and cast their ballots for Democrats in November.”

Cuomo went on to pooh-pooh “Trump’s crazy idea that we have to open up the economy. The three months of lockdown in my state showed that we can survive economically without wasting resources on nonessential businesses. Having only the 80% of essential workers providing for the needs of all expands the leisure hours available to 20% of the population. Our most important task now is to improve the sources of amusement and entertainment available for this newly liberated cohort. I believe that a more consistent and widespread obedience of the shelter-at-home orders will allow us to transfer resources from law-enforcement to more fully subsidize video entertainment and usher in a previously unattainable Edenic lifestyle.”

In related news, Cuomo castigated public radio’s WAMC host Alan Chartock for asking whether he would’ve done anything differently seeing how his decision to send COVID-infected patients into nursing homes, saying “Alan, you are parroting Republican propaganda. What’s done is done. Some people died. I can’t change that at this point. I wasn’t the only governor who made a mistake. All we Democrats can do is try to focus the blame on Trump. It would be nice if you were on-board with that rather than falling for GOP disinformation.”

Hundreds of Mail-in Ballot Forms Returned

Knowing that Michigan voter rolls include many ineligible names, State Sen. Ruth Johnson’s (R-Holly) request for evidence of mail-in ballot applications sent to dead, non-resident, non-citizen, or underage “voters” by Secretary of State Jocelyn Benson (D) received hundreds of replies. One from Eric Johnson said he received an application addressed to a former occupant of the home he now lives in who has been dead more than 20 years.

Benson contends that “the return of hundreds of misdirected applications debunks Republican complaints that fraud is a serious threat to our state’s election integrity. Very few elections are decided by margins in the hundreds. This proves that chances that the wrong candidates will be declared winners are exceedingly slim.”

Johnson argued that “Benson’s ‘no harm’ theory is not supported by this evidence. First, not everyone who received applications for persons no longer living at the address, under age, or not eligible would take the effort to respond to my request. Second, people intending to cheat are apt to send in the extra applications and cast the bogus extra ballots.”

Even worse, Benson’s suggestion that application recipients could send a photo of the application attached to an email to their city clerk has further muddled the process. Westland City Clerk and former Democrat state Rep. Richard LeBlanc complained that “some are sideways, some have no barcode showing, most are legible, but all of them are taking an incredible amount of time to print and respond. On top of this, due to the risk of computer malware infection, emails with only an attachment and no message in the text section are not opened.”

Apprised of LeBlanc’s remarks, Benson suggested “we may have to send out a second wave of applications if we are to ensure maximum voter participation.”

Meanwhile, former U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry warned that “attitudes like those of Rep. Johnson are typical Republican efforts to try to suppress turnout. If people can’t change the country via ballots we can’t blame them if they choose bullets. The Founding Fathers did that and we shouldn’t begrudge Antifa and Black Lives Matter for following their example.”

Clinton Says Pandemic Is Trump’s Fault

Twice unsuccessful presidential candidate Hillary Clinton told Sky News’ Kay Burley that “the coronavirus crisis was totally Trump’s fault. If I had been elected there would not have been a pandemic.”

One of the key differences between Trump and me in 2016 was our differing attitudes toward China,” she explained. “Trump was very unfriendly toward China. He harped on their theft of intellectual property and unfair trade practices. The hostility this engendered motivated the Chinese government’s decision to launch the coronavirus into the United States.”

In contrast, Bill and I have built a long-term bond with the Chinese government,” she pointed out. “We gave them favorable trade terms—both during Bill’s presidency and my tenure as Secretary of State. They donated millions to the Clinton Foundation. It is inconceivable to me that they would have initiated bio-warfare in 2020 if I were president. It would’ve harmed my reelection chances and risked bringing an unfriendly Republican into office.”

The lesson to be learned here is that it doesn’t pay to anger China,” she said. “Voters in America will have an opportunity to avoid repeating their 2016 mistake. Vice-President Joe Biden has worked assiduously to ingratiate himself with the Chinese government. They will see him as a true friend and refrain from further attacks on this country if he is elected in November. I pray that voters will make the right choice.”

Meanwhile, Biden has offered free marital advice, urging men “to marry into a family of 5 or more sisters, that way, if the one you chose doesn’t work out you’ll have at least four others to choose from. The odds are that one of them always loves you. You just have to sniff that one out from the others.”

Whitmer Says “Limiting Government Power Is Irresponsible”

Still in the midst of the most wretched tyranny ever imposed on an American state, attorney Katherine Henry has authored the Restore Freedom Initiative, which would amend the Michigan State Constitution in order to avoid a repeat performance by any of the state’s future governors.

Gov. Gretchen Whitmer (D) called the effort to clarify the separation of powers, foundations and functions of government to enhance government accessibility, transparency and accountability, “irresponsible. In times of crisis there isn’t time to debate. A strong leader needs to take action immediately. Fussing over whether laws are passed by the legislature or decreed by the governor wastes precious time. Quibbling over whether a few people are unnecessarily hurt by the emergency decrees I enacted puts the liberty of the few ahead of the welfare of the many.”

Whitmer said she doubted “whether such a foolish amendment could ever be passed” and vowed that “it will never be recognized as law as long as I am governor.”

Pelosi and Bolton Butt Heads

The upcoming publication of former presidential adviser John Bolton’s 600-page novel detailing his year and a half in the Trump Administration has mightily irked House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif). “This is too little, too late,” she complained. “We gave him the chance to testify in our impeachment inquiry six months ago, but he refused. He could have saved the nation from the continued depredations of President Trump. Instead, he let this tyrant escape justice while he hoarded all the juicy bits for his book.”

In his defense, Bolton lambasted “the Speaker’s myopia. Look, we both have the same objective: get rid of Trump, but we must be practical. Testimony under oath would’ve been subject to cross examination and the laws against perjury. This would have severely constrained what I could have said. On the other hand, in my book I’m free to say whatever I want without fear of contradiction or prosecution. Since there were no recordings of the conversations I recount in the book no one can prove they aren’t true. In the four months between now and November 3 the accusations I make will permeate the news cycle and wreak damage regardless of whether they are true or not. I just wish Speaker Pelosi were smart enough to grasp this point.”

The Speaker scoffed at Bolton’s fear of perjury, calling it “excessively pusillanimous. Comey, Brennan, and Clapper all lied to Congress. None of them were prosecuted for it. However, I am not averse to giving Mr. Bolton a second chance to testify before Congress. As a Christian, I believe in redemption. He can still do the right thing.” Bolton, though, urged her not to do that, saying “if she does I’ll have to take the Fifth.”

Supreme Court Overrules Trump on DACA

In a 5-4 decision, the US Supreme Court ruled that President Trump cannot undo President Obama’s executive order awarding privileges to individuals illegally brought into this country by their parents. Writing for the majority, Chief Justice John Roberts explained that “while President Obama had no legal authority to issue the original DACA decree, it can’t be undone without doing immeasurable harm to those who came to rely upon it. It is kind of like ‘squatters’ rights’ where a person illegally takes possession of someone else’s land, but evades detection and eviction for a period of time sufficient to earn a defacto right to keep it.”

In a perfect world, former President Obama would have followed the law and asked Congress to pass legislation awarding the desired privileges to these illegal residents,” Roberts mused. “However, we don’t live in a perfect world. In our imperfect world, it is this Court’s judgment that the two wrongs of illegal entry and usurpation of the legislature’s power combined make a new right.”

Dissenting Justice Clarence Thomas called the majority decision “mystifying and improper. The purported failure of the Trump Administration to follow administrative law is a ruse. Since President Obama’s original order was unlawful simply canceling it does not require jumping through any bureaucratic hoops.”

Dems Oppose Trump’s “Back-to-Work Bonus” Idea

Some “nonessential” businesses that are trying to reopen are experiencing difficulty in persuading furloughed workers to come back to work. The problem is that the unemployment compensation benefit granted in the Coronavirus Aid, Relief, and Economic Security (CARES) Act is more than the wages that many can earn from working. President Trump has proposed to remedy this by converting the unemployment benefit into a bonus for those who go back to work.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) called Trump’s proposal “a thinly disguised attempt to reinstitute slavery. He is trying to trick people we have liberated from work. As I have said many times before, unemployment benefits are the key to prosperity. By ensuring people a comfortable living without having to endure unwanted toil, these benefits are a blessing. We were poised to enable nearly 20% of the workforce to permanently live off the weekly CARES stipends. Now is not the time for us to turn back. I will not let a bill that makes work a condition for receiving an income become law.”

New Rules in Seattle

Seattle police Chief Carmen Best did her best to explain the nuances of the law-enforcement responsibilities regarding the Capitol Hill Organized Protest (CHOP) autonomous zone inside the City. Homes and businesses inside the zone have been unable to call in police to respond to crimes taking place.

This, according to Best, “is all according to plan. Under the direction of the Mayor, our officers are required to stay outside the zone and look to see if any crimes are being committed. Officers are not permitted to intervene unless a crime is deemed likely to result in a fatality. But they must persuade the armed border guards of CHOP to let them in.”

John McDermott, who owns an auto shop just outside of the CHOP zone, reports that “police refused to come and arrest a guy who stole money from my cash register and tried to set fire to the building. My son tackled the guy and held him. I called the police 19 times, but they repeatedly refused to send an officer to arrest him. I guess we’re now living in a police-free zone.”

Best denied McDermott’s claim and pointed out that “he still has to pay taxes to fund the police. So, it’s not free. Furthermore, his business is outside of CHOP. So, he’s not in the zone. The crimes committed against his business were not serious and since the perp is a citizen of CHOP we didn’t want to create an international incident over such a minor disagreement over property rights.”

In related news, the CHOP junta is said to be considering rounding up all the white people inside the zone into labor brigades. As one junta member observed “we are going to reverse the slavery the white man imposed on the Black man by taking a payment in-kind.” The proposed payment in-kind follows an earlier decree that white residents of the zone must give $10 in cash to any Black person who demands it.

Liberal Mayor Mugged by BLM Reality

In Washington, Olympia Mayor Cheryl Selby was all for Black Lives Matter until BLM protesters vandalized her home. Her admission that Olympia was “not without sin in this country’s systemic racism. We have not been as welcoming and nurturing to communities of color as we’d like to think.” This statement inspired the vandals to seek out her house and spray paint “BLM,” “racist,” and “abolish” on the walls. Now she’s convinced that BLM is engaged in “domestic terrorism.”

I realize now that it was easy for me to excuse the damage done in another city to someone else’s home or business,” she contritely admitted. “But when it happened in my neighborhood and my home I saw how frightening it could be for others assailed by large mobs breaking windows, stealing, and setting fires. I was totally duped by CNN’s assurances that the demonstrations were mostly peaceful even though I saw hordes of masked demonstrators on TV throwing bricks, looting stores, and beating up cops. Now I’m convinced we need law and order.”

New York Politicians Vie for “Worst Person” Title

A trio of New York Democrats tried to outdo each other for the state’s “worst person of the week” title.

Rep. Sean Patrick Maloney, co-chair of the Congressional LGBTQ+ Equality Caucus, praised the Supreme Court ruling that the 1964 Civil Rights Act protects lesbian, gay, and transgender workers from being fired. Justice Neil Gorsuch wrote the majority opinion. While Maloney was pleased by the ruling, he said he was “shocked that Gorsuch took a position that was at odds with his prior support for so-called religious liberty, which we all know is a bogus term people use as a pretext for discrimination.”

Rep. Jerry Nadler’s senior adviser Robert Atterbury surreptitiously altered a Democratic Party database to mark Nadler’s two primary opponents—Jonathan Herzog and Lindsey Boylan—as “deceased.” Boylan called the move “a dirty trick aimed at suppressing voter turnout for both Herzog and myself.” Nadler blamed Trump for “creating the negative atmosphere that divides us rather than unites us all behind a common cause.”

New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio welded shut all the playgrounds in the Jewish sector of Brooklyn, calling it “necessary to protect the health of everyone.” New York State Senator Simcha Felder, characterized the Mayor’s action as “discriminatory. Given the fact that children are the least susceptible to the coronavirus and the Mayor’s approval of the mobs of demonstrators marching arm-in-arm to protest the George Floyd murder, there is no logic to shutting down the playgrounds.” After de Blasio refused to reconsider, Simcha Eichenstein, Kalman Yeger, and Felder cut the locks open themselves. De Blasio was livid. “We’re not going to allow people to take the law into their own hands. It just doesn’t work. We will come down hard on these enemies of the people and restore law and order to this rebellious band of outlaws.”

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Biden: ‘George Floyd Bigger than MLK’

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

In a desperate bid to atone for his previous words and deeds that many are now criticizing as racist, Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden asserted that “the murder of George Floyd has had a bigger impact on the world than the murder of Dr. Martin Luther King. King ignored the importance of race. He preached that character was more important than skin color. As events subsequent to his death have shown, he was wrong. Putting character ahead of color is white thinking. Nothing is more important than skin color. Fortunately, the murder of Floyd has brought this truth to light.”

The murder of Floyd has inspired an uprising far bigger than what happened after King was killed,” Biden pointed out. “You know why? King was a follower of Ghandi’s insistence on peaceful protest. That had to have made many of his followers refrain from violence. Floyd also had the good luck to be killed by a cop in full view of a crowd that videoed the event. King was shot from ambush by a nobody that cops later tracked down and arrested. As we can see from the events of the last two weeks, vastly more property has been redistributed or destroyed than in 1968. This year, mayors all over the country have ordered police not to interfere with this. In 1968, mayors were calling for law and order. So, while Floyd was not as learned or eloquent as King, his role will turn out to be much more important. I think he will be the Horst Wessel of the new America we progressives are building.”

In related news, former President Barack Obama praised the George Floyd protests, saying “the talent, and the voice, the sophistication that these young people are displaying makes me feel optimistic about the future. Critics point to property damage to try to discredit the protesters—a bunch of statues were torn down, billions of dollars worth of merchandise was taken, and some buildings were burned. But isn’t this a small price to pay if the destination is social justice? All the statues were of dead white men. All the merchandise was redistributed. And the burned buildings were all cogs in the capitalist machine. From all the favorable reactions we see around the country from political leaders, the media, celebrities, and corporate executives, I’d say the transformation I promised has been boosted into hyperdrive.”

Dems Praise Seattle’s Autonomous Zone

The Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone (CHAZ) in downtown Seattle may become a permanent feature of the community going forward. City council member Kshama Sawant (Socialist Alternative Party) is drafting legislation that would establish the six-block enclave as a “self-governing, police-free micro-community.”

This ground was conquered by a multi-racial junta of woke youths despite opposition from Mayor Durkan’s horrifically violent police,” Sawant claimed. “This small victory against the forces of racist capitalism must not be thrown away. Forging a new socialist utopia in our midst won’t be easy. Mistakes will be made and atrocities committed. Still, we cannot allow white squeamishness to divert us from our revolutionary goal. All the great revolutionaries—Lenin, Mao, Castro—have had to crush bourgeois objections to the steps needed to consolidate their power. We must now do the same here in Seattle.”

Police Chief Carmen Best is less optimistic about CHAZ’s future, saying “since they’ve walled off their territory our calls for service have more than tripled. Rapes, robberies, and all sorts of violent acts that have been occurring in the area that we’re not able to get to. There are also reports of food shortages. I don’t see how this autonomous zone can go on.”

Sawant called Best’s view “typical white blindness. Every disagreement about sex becomes ‘rape.’ Every disagreement about ownership becomes ‘robbery.’ As for food shortages, they’ve already planted gardens and the ruling junta has issued its list of demands—one of which calls for free food to be sent in from the City. So far they haven’t had to kill anyone. I recommend we give them what they want so that won’t be necessary.”

The Mayor bristled at Sawant’s characterization of her and insisted “I am a big supporter of CHAZ. The looting reminded me of the Boston Tea Party that helped spark the American Revolution. I regard these young people as patriots and will do everything in my power to help them succeed. I am just so jazzed that the Second American Revolution has begun in my City. I hope that my contribution will be worthy enough to merit a statue of me being erected to commemorate it.”

Dems Say Trump Rallies “Too Risky”

President Trump’s plan to resume campaign rallies has been called “too risky” by Democrats. The gist of their criticism is that the packed arena and sports stadiums that have characterized past Trump rallies would spread the COVID-19 virus. This criticism contrasts with the fulsome praise Democrats have heaped upon the George Floyd protests over the past two weeks.

Rep. Val Demings (D-Fla), a rumored contender for the VP slot on the Democratic presidential ticket explained the apparent hypocrisy as “the conflation of two distinctly different activities. At Trump rallies you have thousands of deplorables crammed together in a confined space for hours. Masks are optional. Attendees enter at their own risk. There’s lots of cheering and shouting. This, obviously, is a prime infection environment.”

The Floyd protests are largely outdoors with only sporadic incursions into stores to grab free stuff,” Demings said. “Windows are quickly smashed. A portion of protesters take their turn to rush in and grab whatever they can and run out to place appropriated items into waiting cars and trucks. Because of the security cameras, everyone is wearing a mask. So, from a COVID standpoint, I’d say the protests are basically safe.”

Former Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Bernie Sanders (Vt) contrasted the two activities as “fundamentally different. Trump’s rallies are irresponsible. There’s no social distancing. People will be allowed to decide for themselves whether to wear masks. This is not the kind of anarchism we want for our future. The Floyd protests against police brutality are progressive action at its finest. People are striking back against oppression, seizing and redistributing property selfishly hoarded by capitalists, and almost all are wearing masks. I will grant that there may be some who risk getting infected when they could’ve stayed safe at home, but revolutions have casualties. Remember, not everyone who fought for Castro’s Cuban Revolution survived. I am proud that our young people are willing to put their lives on the line for the new American revolution.”

Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D-NY) argued that “the key distinction is whether the activity is essential or nonessential. Not only are Trump’s rallies dangerous, they are also nonessential. If Vice-President Biden can campaign from his basement, so can Trump. On the other hand, as I see it, the need to publicly protest the murder of George Floyd is essential. It is also not dangerous. There are more than ten people participating, but it’s not a coherent group. Since it’s a spontaneous gathering the virus has no foreknowledge of where to strike. So, I think that the protesters are unlikely to come down with COVID-19. They are far more likely to get hit by breaking glass, bricks, bottles, or stray bullets—none of which are apt to be as deadly as the virus.”

Dems Sue Over Mail-in Ballot Rule

The Democratic National Committee (DNC) is suing the Arizona secretary of state for tossing unsigned mail-in ballots. Under state law, the envelope containing a mail-in ballot must be signed by the voter. Joshua Boehm of Perkins Coie (the law firm that paid for the bogus Steele dossier used to smear Trump during the 2016 election), is taking the lead in the suit.

Boehm contrasted the unequal treatment of mail-in ballots as grounds for the court to void the Arizona law requiring signatures. “If a signature is suspected of being forged the voter is given an opportunity to come in to offer proof that he is the actual person who signed the envelope,” Boehm pointed out. “Voters who merely forgot to sign the envelope aren’t given the same opportunity. We think this discrepancy needs to be fixed.”

A process that would be more friendly toward the idea of maximizing voter participation would set the default to automatically counting all votes—signed or not,” Boehm said. “If the Secretary of State feels that any unsigned or seemingly forged ballots have been cast she should be required to conduct a post-election investigation and recommend a fine be imposed for any proven illegally cast ballots. If the State Attorney General agrees he can pursue a conviction in court for any alleged offenders.”

Meanwhile in Michigan, Tony Daunt filed a lawsuit against Michigan Secretary of State Jocelyn Benson alleging that voter rolls have not been properly maintained—in 16 counties there are more registered voters than there are residents of voting age. “Retaining voter rolls bloated with ineligible voters harms the electoral process, heightens the risk of electoral fraud, and undermines public confidence in elections,” Daunt said. Benson dismissed the risk of fraud, saying that “at worst maybe 40,000 illegal ballots might be cast. Making the effort to prevent such a small impact on election outcomes is not a good investment of my time.”

Biden Says Trump “Will Try to Steal this Election”

Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden told Comedy Central’s Trevor Noah that “there’s not a doubt about it, Trump will try to steal this year’s election. Look, we all know he did it in 2016. October polls showed him behind by double digits and the Billy Bush tape should’ve been the knock out blow. But a few weeks later to everyone’s surprise, he was declared the winner.”

Since he got away with conspiring with the Russians I expect him to do it again,” Biden alleged. “Rep. Schiff had hard evidence, but the Republicans in the Senate refused to convict Trump after he was impeached. On top of this, Trump is pushing to disqualify as many votes as he can by insisting on voter IDs and injecting unwanted scrutiny of ballot harvesting into the equation. Voting is a human right and shouldn’t be limited to only citizens and a single ballot per person. Non-citizens should have a say in who governs them. And many Democrats are too decrepit or lazy to go to the polls. They should be allowed to sell their proxy to others so their votes won’t be lost.”

Biden went on to warn that “our military may have to remove Trump from office in order to protect democracy. All of us have seen the many retired generals who are expressing concern speak out against Trump. They may have to intervene to forestall another incorrect outcome at the polls.”

In related news, Biden has reportedly shortened his list of prospective running mates, but former Georgia gubernatorial candidate Stacey Abrams is not on it. “I have been waiting by the phone for weeks to hear from Joe,” she lamented. “I wondered, could he have forgotten my number?” A spokesman for the Biden campaigned assured that “we have Gov. Abrams’ phone number, but when her state prematurely broke ranks with all the other Democratic governors by easing the lockdown early it made the rest of them look bad. She had to have realized that this disloyalty to the Party would hurt her VP chances.”

Congressional Candidate Endorses Looting, Arson

Retired Air Force Col. Kim Olson, a Democratic candidate in Texas’s 24th Congressional District near Dallas, came out in favor of the looting and arson that has accompanied many of the George Floyd protests around the country. “In my mind, the ‘pursuit of happiness’ clause in our Constitution, if properly interpreted, allows for looting and arson as a form of political expression,” she argued.

The police upped the ante by putting snipers on the roofs during the peaceful protests,” Olson said. “The looting and arson were natural responses to that provocation. If people loot, so what? Burn it to the ground, you know, if that’s what it’s going to take to fix our nation. In a just society the President would’ve called for an air strike on the Minneapolis police precinct that nurtured the cop who murdered an innocent man in broad daylight. Hell, I would’ve been the first to volunteer to lead the attack.”

Rachel Perry, Olson’s campaign manager, tried to clean up the candidate’s mess, saying “As a combat vet, Colonel Olson knows first hand the human heartbreak of violence. She knows we cannot use force to fix a systemic problem of undue violence and discrimination perpetrated by those who are sworn to protect and serve. It’s just that sometimes she goes a little crazy when she talks politics.”

Clinton Says Females Are Superior Leaders

Using the COVID pandemic as an illustration, unsuccessful presidential candidate Hillary Clinton boasted that “women are superior leaders. Out of all the governors called upon to deal with the virus the one who stands head-and-shoulders above the rest is Gretchen Whitmer of Michigan. She is my hero.”

Gov. Whitmer was quicker than anyone else to recognize that ordinary people are incapable of making wise decisions on their own,” Clinton asserted. “She was the first to neutralize individual self-reliance and the most thorough in establishing the widest authoritarian control ever seen in America. Her ruthless enforcement of her executive directives is a model for the rest of us to emulate.”

Those of us who understand how the world works know that freedom is not a natural way to live,” she added. “Nowhere in the animal kingdom is freedom the natural state. The rule is for the strong to dominate and the weak to submit. Unfortunately for America, the Founding Fathers took a wrong turn in 1776 and established an alien system of individual liberty. Today we have the opportunity to undo that horrible mistake. The experiment with lockdowns during the pandemic showed that the masses will submit if the leaders have the will to dominate. The door to a collectivist utopia is open. All we need is a leader to command us to enter.”

Dems Inadvertently Pay Homage to Slave Traders

What was meant as a gesture of solidarity with the Black Lives Matter claim to represent the interests of African-Americans turned into an ironic joke. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif), Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) and twenty other Democrats wore scarves made of Kente cloth as they knelt for eight minutes and 46 seconds in the Capitol as a tribute to George Floyd. Kente scarves were traditionally worn by the wealthy leaders of the Ashanti tribes of what is now known as Ghana. The ugly truth is that these leaders were major players in the slave trade.

Nevertheless, Pelosi insisted that “the Kente cloth comes from Africa. It was produced by African people. There was no way we could’ve known that it had any role with slavery unless we had checked beforehand. The nit-picking historians are spoiling our intended political coup by raising awareness that didn’t need to be raised and at a very inopportune moment.”

Schumer was even more blunt in his observation that “Henry Ford told us that history is bunk. I’m with him 100 percent on that. The meaning of our demonstration is for us to decide. Whatever association the cloth may have had with slavery in the past is no longer relevant today.”

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Biden Predicts ‘Landslide’ Win

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

During a virtual town hall meeting emceed by comedian Don Cheadle, former Vice-President Joe Biden predicted he would “beat Trump by the largest margin in American history.” He says he reached this conclusion “via an analysis of trends. Back in 2016 Secretary Clinton pointed out that half of Trump’s supporters are deplorables. My current estimate is that 10% to 15% of Americans are just not very good people. To my mind, this shows that, at best, Trump might get 20% to 30% of the vote. That would make him the biggest loser in our presidential election history.”

Signs that Biden believes will sweep him to victory include “Trump’s mistaken belief that law and order is a winning issue. The American people are sick and tired of law and order. Trump’s assertion that George Floyd would have disapproved of the efforts to correct the unequal distribution of property that Trump calls looting is despicable. He doesn’t know how blacks think like I do.”

I am the candidate that will lead us to a post-law and order society,” the nominee insisted. “Voters will recognize this and cast their ballots accordingly. It’s not a question of whether I will beat Trump. The only question is when.”

In related news, Julian Castro, a former rival of Biden’s for the Democratic presidential nomination, has finally endorsed Biden. “The tipping point was Joe’s endorsement of the ad hoc wealth redistribution going on right now in our nation’s major cities,” Castro said. “This validates his progressive outlook.” Biden expressed his elation at getting the endorsement, saying “I have always admired the way Castro stood up to the American imperialism that sought to crush the Cuban revolution. It’s great to have him on my side.”

Economic Rebound Shocks Dems

According to the Department of Labor’s May report on employment, non-farm payrolls rose by 2.5 million and the unemployment rate fell to 13.3%—the biggest positive shift in more than 80 years. This confounded a Wall Street Journal prediction that these payrolls would decline by 8.3 million and unemployment would rise to 19.5%–the highest since the Great Depression.

President Trump hailed the jobs numbers and said “the great enterprise of American business owners and workers is the key driving factor. As the lockdowns are being eased, the boom stimulated by the tax cuts and deregulation we implemented earlier in my term is resuming. I’m confident that we’ll go back to having the greatest economy anywhere in the world.”

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) pooh-poohed the jobs report, pointing out that “13% unemployment is nothing to cheer about.” Democratic National Committee Chairman Tom Perez boasted that “this is the largest unemployment crisis since the Great Depression and it happened on Trump’s watch. Voters will punish him for that.”

Democrat presidential nominee, former Vice-President Joe Biden denied that Trump deserves any credit for the rebound, saying “Trump neglects to mention that it was largely Democrat governors and mayors who enforced the economy-strangling lockdowns that laid the foundation for the sharp recovery. Without the losses inflicted by the shuttering of nonessential businesses and jobs, there would not have been an opportunity for a vigorous bounce. On top of this, Trump is overlooking the massive stimulus from the need to rebuild the cities destroyed by arson and looting. These cities are all governed by Democrats. The role of our Party in the events making this possible should not be forgotten.”

Minneapolis May Disband Police Force

Members of the Minneapolis City Council are discussing a plan to disband the City’s police force. Jeremiah Ellison, 5th Ward council member and son of Minnesota Attorney General Keith Ellison, argues that “a dispassionate analysis leads to only one logical conclusion. Consider, if there were no police force, George Floyd would still be alive. Clearly, the most direct remedial measure we can take, then, is to abolish the agency that nurtured the racist cops who killed Mr. Floyd.”

Council president Lisa Bender backed Ellison’s thinking and vowed “we are going to dismantle the Minneapolis Police Department and replace it with a transformative new model of public safety. I have learned from our local congressperson Rep. Ilhan Omar (D) that in her home country of Somalia neighborhoods are policed by a sharia patrol. I think something similar can be tried out here. In Muslim neighborhoods a sharia patrol would be a perfect fit. In African-American neighborhoods a Black Lives Matter patrol seems appropriate.”

Brian Fallon, director of “Demand Justice” and a former spokesman for Hillary Clinton and Eric Holder, called for “a nationwide movement to de-fund police departments. The benefits shouldn’t be limited to just Minneapolis. Every city needs to do this.”

Meanwhile, New York City’s Comptroller Scott Stringer took a more moderate approach and advised Mayor Bill de Blasio to “merely” cut $1.1 billion from the City’s budget for the police Department. “By selectively cutting police activities in minority neighborhoods we can drastically reduce the toll that police brutality takes on people of color,” Stringer contends. “Freed from the oppressive presence of police, these neighborhood will be able to flourish as never before.”

Some Highlights from the Riots

Washington, D.C.

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) issued a joint statement condemning President Trump’s determination to restore law and order, saying “we all know that ‘law and order’ is a code phrase justifying oppression of African-Americans, and that, as Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif) has pointed out, ‘rioting’ is a pejorative term used to malign property redistribution when done by people of color. We call upon the President and law-enforcement officers to stand down and let the rough justice undertaken in the streets take its course and peter out. The President’s insistence on imposing ‘white justice’ on non-white Americans is a manifestation of the worst of our country’s systemic racism.” Schumer and Pelosi’s position, however, is contradicted by the latest Rasmussen poll showing black approval of Trump has soared to 40%.

DC Mayor Muriel Bowser (D) criticized “the unwelcoming presence of fencing around the White House,” saying that “this is the people’s house. They ought to have the right to enter it whenever they please.” She went on to contrast “President Trump’s fear with the gracious hospitality offered by President Andrew Jackson. When he was president anyone and everyone was invited to treat the place as their own.”

Black Lives Matter and the American Civil Liberties Union have filed a suit against President Trump, alleging that BLM’s First Amendment rights were violated when peaceful protesters were forced out of Lafayette Square. ACLU spokesman Bertram Petty characterized the offense “as the most egregious example yet of the sort of dictatorship that Trump is trying to impose on this country.” However, under media questioning, Petty admitted “that some bricks and bottles may have been thrown at those guarding the White House” and said he was “not authorized to admit or deny that some BLM members on the scene may or may not have set fire to the St. John’s church,” but insisted that “nowhere in the First Amendment does it explicitly say such actions are prohibited.”

Outside the Indian Embassy in Washington DC, Mahatma Gandhi’s statue was desecrated by unruly elements of Black Lives Matter. Ironically, though Ghandi was a person-of-color, this most famous advocate and practitioner of non-violet protest, was derided by a BLM spokesman as “just some bald dude in a diaper.”

Minneapolis

Democratic Mayor Jacob Frey is preparing a request for a $55 million bailout of his city. Acknowledging that “mistakes may have been made that led to the unnecessary death of George Floyd and the swath of destruction that followed,” but insisted that “now is not the time for recriminations. President Trump could have sent in troops to help limit the rioting that caused the damage, but he foolishly refused to ignore my objections. So now it is time for all Americans to pay their fair share of the cost to rebuild Minneapolis.”

Chicago

Mayor Lori Lightfoot is begging major retailers whose places of business were vandalized, looted, and burned to “not abandon the City just because some of our residents jumped the gun on the redistribution of wealth. Residents need the services you provide. Don’t worry, we’re going to get things under control so that all future expropriations are done in an organized and legal way.”

New York

George Soros explains why he is funding the riots. “People think that my Open Society Foundation shouldn’t be helping oppressed people loot and burn,” he said. “They think that an open society means life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. That is the white privilege way of thinking where people are required to earn their own happiness. These freedoms are of little value to poor minorities. In my view, an open society is one where all doors are open and people can come in and take whatever they need. When doors are locked, breaking them in or smashing windows to get inside are the only alternative. My role is to ensure that the oppressed have the transportation, tools, and other resources necessary to seize what they need from those who refuse to give it to them.”

New York Times writer Nikole Hannah-Jones asserted that “breaking into businesses and stealing merchandise is not violent. The act of looting is more a symbolic act of restitution from a society that oppresses black Americans than an actual theft of someone else’s property. There are no innocent shopkeepers. Each is an agent of the exploitative capitalist system, even the ones who are minorities. They have betrayed their race and class by stepping out of the proletariat and into the bourgeoisie. For acting white they are justifiably dispossessed.”

While elbow-to-elbow mobs of rioters looted and burned numerous businesses, New York City police took the time to arrest two black women—Bevelyn Beatty and Edmee Chavannes—who were peacefully counseling women outside a Manhattan Planned Parenthood abortion facility. Their offense was not meeting the City’s social distancing guidelines. One of the arresting officers laconically observed “offing babies is legal. Not wearing a mask is illegal.” His partner also acknowledged that “many of the rioters are also not wearing masks, but trying to bust any of them would be too risky. These two women were an easier collar.”

Los Angeles

Police arrived at a confrontation outside a liquor store and promptly cuffed and arrested the store’s civilian defenders while the people who intended to rob the store were allowed to escape. LAPD Commanding Officer Andy Neiman explained that “officers don’t know what’s going on, and until they sort everything out, they don’t know who they’re dealing with. In this case, we chose to arrest the guys with guns rather than the guys with baseball bats.” Monet, an African-American woman, one of the individuals guarding the store, recounted her experience, “I was handcuffed, thrown up against a wall with my husband and brother-in-law. The store owner and the news people were telling telling the police they were arresting the wrong people, but the cops wouldn’t listen.”

Seattle

Mayor Jenny Durkan (D) urged citizens “not to believe what you think you are seeing on TV. It’s not African-Americans who are looting our stores. It’s white supremacists disguised to look black. Our City is not the only place where this is happening. Commissioner of the Minnesota Department of Public Safety John Harrington has also blamed the riots in Minneapolis on white supremacists. And St. Paul Mayor Melvin Carter says over 80% of arrested rioters were out-of-state white nationalists.” However, jail records for the two cities contradict these assertions. The majority of rioters arrested were locals and none were white supremacists. Even the left-wing Southern Poverty Law Center says there is no evidence white supremacists are participating in the rioting and looting.

Massachusetts

Co-chair of the Democratic Attorneys General Association Maura Healey described the arson taking place in cities across the country as “clearing a path to future growth opportunities. The razing phase for a revitalized America has been largely accomplished in so many places. Ground that was occupied by capitalist exploiters of the people has been cleared for us to build new socially-owned and communal facilities that will usher in the fundamental transformation our Party has been striving for since President Obama awakened us to this possibility.”

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Battle Over Election Fraud Heats Up

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Though Twitter has a lengthy record of permitting leftists to post blatant lies and evidence-free accusations, this week it took issue with President Trump’s tweet warning of the risk of vote-fraud in vote-by-mail elections. Twitter alleged that a “fact check” shows that vote-fraud is nonexistent. It seems that the so-called fact check relied solely on repeated assertions from Democrats that vote-fraud does not exist to any serious extent.

As it turns out, the assertion that vote-fraud is not a serious problem is itself a false statement. Back in 2005 a bipartisan Commission on Federal Election Reform, co-chaired by former President Jimmy Carter (D) and former Secretary of State James Baker (R) declared, “absentee ballots remain the largest source of potential voter fraud.” A number of incidents since 2005 bolster that finding.

In this year alone, Pennsylvania election officials acknowledged that an unknown number of duplicate mail-in ballots were sent out to registered voters. In West Virginia, a mail carrier was caught attempting to forge mail-in ballots. In Nevada, thousands of mail-in ballots were sent to voters who no longer live in the state. In New Jersey, 600 fraudulent mail-in ballots were intercepted by an alert postal worker.

In 2018, Broward County, Florida received and counted more ballots than there were registered voters. In Michigan, Democratic Party poll watcher, Sherikia Hawkins was charged with altering 138 mail-in ballots. In 2011, investigative reporter Margaret Menge tested the system and was able to obtain three ballots for three different names at the same address in Palm Beach County, Florida.

Several other countries have banned or severely limited mail-in ballots. These include Denmark, Finland, France, Italy, Norway, the United Kingdom, and Mexico.

Nevertheless, Sen. Ron Wyden (D-Ore) denounced Trump’s objections to how Twitter handled his tweet, calling these objections “part of a calculated plan to push unfiltered lies on the American public. His claim that Democrats are the ones lying to the public are unsubtantiated. I challenge him to produce evidence that a single reputable news source has vetted his statements. In contrast, our Party has virtually 100% support, validation, and amplification from the media for almost everything we say.”

In related news, Joe Biden has hired a national director for voter protection “whose job will be to ensure that every person can vote as much as possible in the upcoming election.”

Arson & Theft Mar Minneapolis Protest

The legitimate grievance against the Minneapolis police who seem to have caused the death of subdued suspect George Floyd was undermined when opportunistic thieves and troublemakers used a protest demonstration as cover for robbery and arson. Businesses near the 3rd Precinct headquarters were vandalized, merchandise stolen, cash registers smashed open with hammers, and buildings set on fire. This display of lawless behavior was met by diverse responses.

Mayor Jacob Frey (D) was distressed that “those trying to liberate assets from their capitalist oppressors are not socially distancing as required by the Governors’ emergency order. I want everyone to be safe. Thieves and arsonists should maintain a minimum six foot distance from other protest participants. While I was glad to see that most wore masks, there were still some who did not. Those without masks can pick one up at my office. Even if they don’t think they need one for COVID protection, it is still useful for concealing one’s identity from witnesses and surveillance cameras.”

Race expert Al Sharpton lamented the fact that “some of the businesses robbed and destroyed were black-owned. One business burned down was a bar belonging to a former fireman who invested his life-savings in the venture. This is not the kind of tragedy we want to see.” In contrast, presumptive Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden disagreed, saying “investing in a business is not typical black behavior. This is the kind of thing white people do. Based on the evidence I’d have to say that the bar owner ain’t black.”

Despite the fact that Minneapolis has been run by Democrats for decades and that the cop who killed Floyd had a long string of complaints against him for brutality—one of which he was allowed to skate on by Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D) when she was a prosecutor, CNN Tonight host Don Lemon blamed Trump for the violence. “Trump’s statement that the looting and burning don’t do a thing toward getting justice for Floyd is not something I want to hear at this point,” Lemon complained. “He should be apologizing for the mistakes he and other whites have made that subjected blacks to 400 years of misery and suffering in this country. What he sees as crimes are more fairly construed as partial revenge for more than 400 years of injustice.”

Loser of the 2016 presidential election Hillary Clinton questioned Trump’s “biased response. His threat to use force to restore order places the lives and property of innocent business owners ahead of the rights of looters and arsonists. A president is the representative of all the people. He or she must show equal consideration for the rights of all—victim and criminal alike. That’s the way it would be if I were president today.”

Filmmaker Michael Moore accused white Minnesotans of complicity in Floyd’s murder. “They elected the Mayor who appointed the police chief who nurtured the homicidal cop who killed Floyd,” Moore contended. “To atone they should assist in demolishing the police headquarters and the City government.”

MSNBC journalist Ali Velshi reported from on the scene that the mayhem “is not generally unruly. The acts of depredation are not random. The thefts are mostly high-end electronics and cash. The fires have been contained to the targeted buildings by quick responses from the fire department. So far the only fatality was a looter shot by a shopkeeper. On balance, I think we have to categorize the protest as relatively well-behaved compared to what it could have been.”

Meanwhile, Floyd’s death has been officially added to the COVID-19 death toll by the Minneapolis Health Department. A spokesman for the Department explained that “the reported breathing problems of Mr. Floyd just prior to his demise are symptomatic of the type of demise caused by the virus.”

Biden Waffles on Running Mate

Former Vice-President Joe Biden backed off from an earlier promise to choose “a woman of color” as his running mate for the November election, saying “my run-in with Charlamagne Tha God last week has caused me pause. I thought that skin color would be sufficient as a measure of authentic blackness. Now I have my doubts.”

“Likewise, I have been informed that my classification of what constitutes a ‘woman’ may be too rigid for today’s reality,” Biden added. “What seemed simple is now complex. I thought Sen. Kamala Harris or Gov. Stacey Abrams were obvious choices. Now I’m not sure whether either one is authentically black or female. It has been pointed out to me that neither one has publicly proven either qualification. Perhaps it would be better to select someone like Sen. Elizabeth Warren, who despite all appearances, has declared herself to be a person of color. Or maybe I ought to go with Mayor Pete Buttigieg who appears to be white, but at least has chosen a nonstandard gender identification. We’re going to need some more polls and focus groups to sort all this out and point me in the right direction.”

Gov Irate at Citizens’ Insubordination

As the mass hysteria that allowed so many governors to frighten citizens into mindless obedience to inane and oppressive edicts has waned, Washington Governor Jay Inslee (D) is irate. “I am the ruler of this state,” he declared. “It is everyone’s obligation—citizen and non-citizen, alike—to do what I tell them to do.”

A major irritant has been the increasingly widespread refusal of sheriffs and local police to cite, arrest, shutdown, or otherwise harass individuals attempting to enjoy the life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness our representative democracy is meant to secure. “I consequently have ordered the Department of Labor and Industries to impose $10,000 per day fines for any deviations from the path I have decreed the state must follow in these perilous times of pandemic and climate change,” Inslee announced.

It’s possible that the real source of Inslee’s actions are revelations that a substantial portion of the state’s Cares Act funding allocation was scammed away by Nigerian princes. Inslee defended state bureaucrats duped by this oldest of scams, asserting that “the need for speed combined with the apparent opportunity to leverage our funds with millions of extra dollars in inheritance money that otherwise might have been snatched up by another state may have led to inadequate vetting of the eligibility of these recipients.”

Speaker Says Proxy Voting “More Efficient”

Concerned that traditional representative government “may be too chaotic and obsolete for our modern era,” House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) has initiated “an experimental trial of proxy voting. It’s bad enough during normal times for us to have to shuttle back-and-forth between our districts and Washington DC. Now, with every step outside one’s home risking a veritable death sentence from the COVID virus, it makes more sense to develop an alternative method for conducting Congress’ business.”

Under her initial plan, each attending member of the House would be able to cast as many as ten proxy votes for absent members in Congress. Pelosi pointed out that “corporations use this process all the time. Shareholders aren’t forced to attend corporate meetings in order for their votes to be counted. They can give their proxies to management or others and authorize them to cast the votes. This saves the shareholders the trouble and expense of having to vote for themselves. I think this more efficient system should be used in Congress. I think if we can ultimately get to a point where all or the majority of the proxies are given to the Speaker, the legislative process in the House will be more streamlined and rapid.”

House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy (R-Calif) dubbed Pelosi’s proxy plans “unconstitutional. Our founding document provides for the election of the people’s representatives to propose, debate, and act on legislation. Being present to conduct these duties may be inconvenient at times, but it is essential.” McCarthy has filed a suit seeking to overturn “this improper evasion of the supreme law of the land.” Pelosi labeled the suit “a sad stunt.”

De Blasio to Keep NYC Shut “as Long as I Can”

While he acknowledged that “the fight against COVID is largely won,” New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio (D) vowed “to keep this City shutdown as long as I can. We mustn’t overlook the greater threat posed by the possibility that Trump will be reelected. Averting such a possibility is my top priority. If that causes additional suffering in the short-run that’s a price we have to be willing to pay.”

To bolster his strategy, the Mayor pointed to a just-released statement by Harvard professor Jason Furman that “a strong economic recovery would almost certainly lead to President Trump winning in November.” “Furman was one of President Obama’s top economists,” de Blasio said. “His forecast must be taken seriously. It is incumbent upon every Democratic officeholder to wield what ever power he has or can usurp to try to avert such a disastrous outcome. I this regard, I am pleased to see that Gov. Cuomo has backed off of his previously promised plans to expedite the state’s economic recovery.”

Now that Cuomo’s deadly decision to move COVID-infected seniors into nursing homes has been shown to have increased the state’s death toll by more than 10,000, though, it seems doubtful that he will be able to toe-the-line on keeping the state locked down. Health care expert Dr. Betsy McCaughey punctured Cuomo’s claim that he was following federal rules when he ordered unprepared nursing homes to accept COVID-positive patients. “The administration recommended nursing homes should admit patients even if they were coming from a hospital battling COVID-19, not that patients with COVID-19 themselves should be admitted,” she said. “Not only was his order inescapably stupid, his attempt to shift blame is morally reprehensible.”

Being as stupid and reprehensible as he is didn’t stop Cuomo from criticizing the exposure of his stupidity and moral failing as “an unfair political tactic. None of the respected media—not the New York Times, not CNN—have blamed me. On the contrary, they all have praised my leadership during this pandemic. I am confident that a fact check of Dr. McCaughey’s work by a reputable media outlet will result in a finding of ‘false.’”

Chicago Mayor Defends Enforcement Priorities

Mayor Lori Lightfoot’s decision to shift police resources to conducting raids on churches that hold services in defiance of her edict that this not be permitted has led to questions regarding her priorities. As is well-known, there are dozens of shootings in the City every week and a lengthy list of unsolved murders. This past Sunday, though, five police cars loaded with officers descended on Chicago Cornerstone Baptist Church to break-up Pastor Courtney Lewis’ sermon and disperse the parishioners.

Lightfoot justified the raid saying that “the City’s residents have learned to live with the constant murders, but COVID-19 is a new and much more deadly threat. This disease has no known cure. It has already killed more than 100,000 people in this country. My lockdown order is intended to combat this greater threat. I must also point out that people are also less likely to be murdered on the streets if they stay at home like I told them to. Once we have a vaccine for the virus, police resources will be freed up to go back to grappling with murder cases. Until then, freedom of religion is suspended in my City for the duration of the pandemic.”

Meanwhile, in response to civic disorder mimicking that taking place in Minneapolis, the Mayor has directed police to “not use force to disperse any large gatherings, especially if looting or arson is taking place. Resources must be conserved to suppress gatherings occurring in churches that are violating the lockdown.”

In related news, CNN senior political analyst John Avlon branded President Trump as a “hypocrite” for not attending church. “If he doesn’t go to church himself how can he defend the right of others to go to church?” Avlon asked. “I hope voters will see this kind of inconsistency as a good reason not to reelect the man.”

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Cuomo Blames Trump for Nursing Home Fiasco

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D-NY) rebuffed criticism of his order requiring nursing homes to accept COVID-positive patients by blaming President Trump. The ordered cohabitation of infected and uninfected residents at these homes resulted in thousands of unnecessary and foreseeable deaths.

“Yeah, I was the one who gave the order, but Trump did nothing to stop me,” Cuomo said. “He could’ve stepped in to countermand me, but he decided to allow each state to manage the pandemic in its own way. I know that Commissioner Zucker already admitted that the order was stupid, but isn’t overruling bad decisions made by state and local governments one of the things that we expect from a president?”

The governor pointed to polls showing 70 percent of New Yorkers approving his handling of the pandemic as further justification for his actions. “I think voters realize that I am no dumber than they are in dealing with this unprecedented calamity,” he pointed out. “Likewise, polls indicating that most Democrats would prefer that I replace Biden as the Party’s presidential nominee is a vote of confidence that Trump can’t match from his Party. The media has been very congratulatory regarding my performance. I was able to wheedle more aid out of Trump than any other governor. My sterling leadership sets me head-and-shoulders above my peers in either Party.”

FBI to Reevaluate Role in Flynn Case

Professing himself “disturbed” by the unexpected turn in the Flynn case, FBI Director Christopher Wray has ordered an internal review. “It is particularly concerning that the confidentiality of our methods has been compromised,” Wray observed. “If the Agency’s files can be so easily exposed to scrutiny we need to consider whether any records should be kept going forward. Our effectiveness will be blunted if unauthorized people can pierce the veil of secrecy that is vital to keeping the government safe from the type of oppositional defiant disorder exhibited by persons like Donald Trump and his deplorable supporters.”

Wray brushed aside assertions that his review was a duplication of efforts already underway at the direction of Attorney General William Barr, pointing out “that to my way of thinking, Barr is an outsider whose loyalties lie elsewhere. He is, after all, the one who blocked our slam dunk case against Flynn. Because of his intervention, instead of another successful prosecution the FBI is looking incompetent or worse. We need our own internal and confidential process for determining how to avert similar outcomes in the future.”

NYC Mayor Vows to Ban Fun on Memorial Day

A day at the beach at Coney Island has been a traditional start of summer for many New Yorkers for many decades. However, Mayor Bill de Blasio is determined to ensure that “this year will be different. I know a lot of our residents are itching to get outside into the sunshine. But I’m here to remind everyone that the pandemic is still with us. I will continue to dictate what is and isn’t permitted until I decide whether it is safe to go outside.”

De Blasio was unmoved by evidence showing that the coronavirus is vulnerable to the ultraviolet light in sunshine and that the vitamin D human bodies produce when exposed to sunlight strengthens resistance to becoming infected. “This is just anecdotal,” he contended. “I refuse to believe that such a cheap and easy remedy is something we can rely on when rarer and more expensive options have yet to be developed and proven.”

The mayor warned that “if people go to the area without masks, get too close to others, or go into the water police will be there to prevent it. Likewise, police will be on the lookout for any nonessential business transactions and will cite any persons engaged in such activity. Resources must be conserved to ensure that essential activities, like government, are fully funded.”

Thus far, the ban on nonessential activities has drastically cut into government revenues and endangered the lavish pensions promised to retired government employees. “Not to worry,” de Blasio said, “Sen. Schumer (D-NY) is working on legislation to transfer funds from parts of the country that don’t need it to help cover our shortfall.”

Meanwhile, a few miles from New York City, Nassau County Executive Laura Curran announced that tennis courts will be reopened, but advised that players “may not touch each other’s balls unless they reside in the same household. If players are from different households they may kick each other’s balls.” Curran cast these guidelines “as a way for everyone to stay safe while enjoying the game.”

Biden Says Blacks Who Don’t Support him “Ain’t Black”

In an interview on the “Breakfast Club” Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden told host Charlamagne Tha God that “if you have a problem figuring out whether you’re for me or Trump, then you ain’t black.” Biden’s statement was in response to Charlemagne’s attempt to go over the originally allotted 20 minutes set aside for the interview by pleading “we’ve got more questions.”

While Biden’s assertion that skin color determines political ideology reeks of racism, Fox News commentator, and former spokesperson for the State Department under President Barack Obama, Marie Harf insisted “it definitely was not racist. We all say things on television or radio interviews that maybe we would like to take back. I think voters will give him a chance to take it back.”

Sen. Tim Scott (R-SC) is not inclined to let Biden off-the-hook, saying “this is the most condescending and arrogant comment toward the black community I have ever heard. As a black man I am more than my skin color. I can think for myself and make my own judgments. Biden sponsored a crime bill in the 1990s that jailed more African-American males than any other legislation. President Trump supported and signed legislation to undo the injustices spawned by Biden’s bill. I think a black man assessing these events can decide for himself which man to vote for as president.”

Upon reflection, Biden spoke in his own defense, pointing out “that Delaware was a slave state. I always had to keep that fact in mind when I was a Senator. I had to represent all the people of Delaware as I weighed which bills deserved my support. I recognize that this led to some zigging and zagging across the political spectrum. Sometimes I voted for bigger welfare benefits. Sometimes I voted to crackdown on crime. I think the fact that I was repeatedly reelected indicates that I did a pretty good job of balancing the competing interests of all the races in my state for more than 30 years.”

James Carville, former campaign adviser to President Bill Clinton, predicted that “Joe will rise above this kerfuffle and whip Trump’s fat ass in November. The Republicans’ attempt to treat blacks as individuals who can think independently will fall flat. Democrats are the ones who’ve delivered the goods. We’re the Party that has rescued tens of millions from wage-slavery by providing the material benefits that have enabled them to choose an alternative lifestyle without being forced to work for it.”

In related news, The Nation columnist Katha Pollitt announced that she “would vote for Joe Biden if he boiled babies and ate them.” She defended her callous opinion by calling eating babies “beneficial to the environment. It would contribute to the reduction of the human population and utilize an economical method of disposing of the unneeded human protein if more of us added this food to our diet. Other animals could be reprieved and land used for farming returned to its natural uncultivated condition.”

Klobuchar Admission Dims Hopes for VP Nod

Revelation that her husband recovered from COVID-19 with the aid of hydroxychloroquine has lowered Minnesota Sen. Amy Klobuchar’s odds for snagging the spot as Biden’s vice-president on the Democratic ticket for this year’s election. CNN’s Chris Cuomo called it “a likely coup de grâce for her. This is the drug touted by Trump. Every Democrat is expected to hold to the Party line view that it is dangerous and ineffective.”

Klobuchar has publicly adhered to the Party line, calling the drug “a menace” and mocked Trump’s recent declaration that he has taken it as a preventive therapy. She sought to distinguish between her political and personal attitude toward the medication, saying that “my husband is a good person and deserves every chance to live. Trump, in contrast, is a bad person who needs to be removed from office by any means possible. I think my ability to make this distinction should bolster my credentials for the VP slot.”

Meanwhile, sensing an opportunity, rival VP contender Sen. Kamala Harris (Calif) has introduced legislation that would classify the use of phrases like “Wuhan virus, Chinese virus and Kung Flu” to describe the coronavirus as a “hate crime.”

“Racist attempts to blame the pandemic on the Chinese government are fraught with peril,” Harris maintained. “China has the ability to destroy us economically and militarily. We must not provoke them. Vice-President Biden has spent decades currying favor with China. We must show their government where we stand as a nation so he can continue those efforts after he is elected president.”

Newsom Threatens to Fire First-Responders

California Gov. Gavin Newsom (D) says “the federal government has an ethical obligation to bail out my state. Admittedly, we might have been excessively generous in how we spent taxpayers’ money. Perhaps this was a mistake. However, there is no need to make the people of California suffer for the miscues of their government. The federal government has an unconstrained power to create money. Failure to use this power to rescue California from bankruptcy would be a crime against humanity.”

Among the “miscues” are $1 trillion in unfunded pension liabilities, 15,000 hotel rooms leased to house the homeless along with the cost of drugs to feed their habits while sequestered in these hotels, more than 300,000 state employees drawing six-figure annual salaries, and $125 million in coronavirus unemployment benefits for illegal aliens.

The governor suggested he would try to motivate Trump to “do the right thing” by “laying off police, health care workers, and fire fighters first. Public employees that Trump would probably consider unnecessary ‘dead wood’ won’t be let go because it wouldn’t trouble him one bit. It’s only when innocent civilians are put at risk that Republicans can be counted on to take action.”

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Sheriff Too Busy Rearresting Criminals to Enforce Lockdown

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Fresno County Sheriff Margaret Mims says her officers “are too busy repeatedly rearresting criminals released under the state’s zero-dollar bail policy. We haven’t the time, resources, or inclination to enforce the social-distancing orders issued by Gov. Newsom.”

Newsom proclaimed himself “seriously peeved by the failure of Sheriff Mims and others to carry out my orders. These law-enforcement officers are not authorized to select which laws they will or won’t enforce. It isn’t their job to decide which offenses are more serious. That is the responsibility of higher officials. In 2018 the legislature passed and Gov. Brown signed the law that allows accused felons who can’t afford bail to be released on their own recognizance. I fear that Mims’ focus on repeat offenses from this segment of the population could be construed as racist.”

Mims called Newsom’s remarks “a slur. We are rearresting people who are stealing, assaulting, and murdering without regard to skin color. These are the individuals that the public needs protection from. The Governor’s insistence that everyone should wear masks actually works against public safety by making it harder to identify perps on surveillance camera videos.”

Meanwhile in New York City, a half-dozen police officers accosted 22-year-old Kaleemah Rozier and threw her to the pavement in full view of her terrified toddler for “improperly wearing her mask.” One of the arresting officers explained “when you break the law, you pay the price.” Ironically, New York has been releasing convicted felons from prison during the COVID-19 crisis in order to protect them from catching the virus. Now there’s room to incarcerate Ms. Rozier.

China Warns: “US Cannot Defeat Coronavirus”

The Chinese government controlled Global Times mocked America’s battle against the pandemic saying “the inability to dictate top-down solutions is frustrated by squeamishness to violate so-called individual rights like privacy and freedom of speech. This inherent weakness is why China will rise to dominate the world for the next 1,000 years.”

Gov. Jay Inslee (D-Wash) made a bid to rebut this assertion by pointing out that “I have established a surveillance protocol that will require private businesses to record the names and addresses of customers. This information will then be kept on file until needed. I have also set up a program of targeted virus testing. Individuals selected for testing will either submit or be put under house-arrest.”

Gov. Gretchen Whitmer (D-Mich) cited her “bold action to deny Karl Manke’s attempt to evade my order to shut down his barber shop. Using my authority to crush this dissident’s efforts to support himself through nonessential labor proves that I’m not squeamish. I have also declared the circulation of petitions for my recall from office ‘nonessential.’ I think I have shown President Xi Jinping that I can wield the same kind of ruthless application of power that he has.”

Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D-NY) pointed out that “I effectively sentenced thousands to death by mandating the cohabitation of infected and uninfected vulnerable elderly in nursing home facilities unequipped to deal with the virus. I could have easily sent the COVID-19 positives to the Navy hospital ship President Trump sent to help take on patients that couldn’t be accommodated in other hospitals in my state, but I didn’t. I think my accomplishment here validates me as the least squeamish governor in America.”

The editor of the Global Times praised these “earnest attempts to follow the Chinese model,” but pointed out “the unavoidable fragmentation imposed by the United States’ inefficient federalist system. As aggressive as these governors have been they’re still short of the kind of total control necessary. There are even signs that citizens egged on by President Trump’s encouragement to ‘liberate’ their states will undo all the progress that they have made toward adopting a truly progressive form of governance.”

Employees Refuse to Return to Work

Melony Wagner, owner of the Charles Village Pub in Baltimore, reports that her effort to reopen are being impeded by employees refusing to return to work. “The unemployment benefits augmented by the federal stimulus money they’re getting exceeds the amount they made in wages and tips before we were ordered to shutdown,” she said.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) boasted that “this restaurant example vindicates what I’ve been saying for years. Unemployment compensation is a better source of income than jobs. This may be inconvenient for people like Ms. Wagner, but it is her own fault for trying to operate a nonessential business. For her employees, though, the stress and expense of dragging themselves to a job are avoided. They have more time to spend with their families and to do things they really enjoy rather than being forced to work just to put food on the table.”

“Our $3 trillion Health and Economic Recovery Omnibus Emergency Solutions Act (HEROES Act) is a critical step toward making unemployment compensation a permanent source of income for a growing segment of our population—including newcomers,” the Speaker bragged. “We want voters to know that if Democrats can take control of the Senate, House, and presidency in the November elections, this transformation will reshape the way we live.” Her 1800 page bill is expected to pass in the Democrat-dominated House, but fail in the GOP-dominated Senate.

Judge Fishing for Reason to Punish Flynn

Attorney General William Barr’s decision to drop the “lying to the FBI” charges against Gen. Michael Flynn has infuriated Judge Emmett Sullivan. The Judge is now soliciting ideas from anyone who wants to suggest an alternate charge for which the General can be punished.

Former Judge John Gleeson suggested that “Flynn should be charged with perjury for falsely pleading guilty to lying to the FBI. There is no evidence that Flynn committed any crime. Consequently, his admission of guilt is clearly perjury. Judge Sullivan should find him guilty of perjury and sentence him to prison.”

House Judiciary Committee Chairman Jerrold Nadler (D-NY) suggested that “Flynn’s original guilty plea should stand. Just because the Mueller team had no evidence doesn’t change the fact that Flynn originally folded to their bluff that they would go after his son. Once you fold, it doesn’t matter that you folded to a ‘nothing hand.’ He had his chance to call their bluff, but didn’t. For losing his nerve he deserves to lose the case and go to jail.”

Former Vice-President Joe Biden suggested that “Flynn should be found guilty of treason. Twenty-eight members of the Obama Administration demanded that Flynn be unmasked. This alone is pretty persuasive evidence that he is a bad dude. I mean, if 28 of the nation’s finest leaders were all suspicious of the guy there has to be smoke where there’s a fire like that. We can’t afford to let him skate on the technically that the FBI and Mueller were unable to find evidence of his guilt. If we do, we risk millions more dying.”

In related news, in an appearance on Snapchat’s “Good Luck America” daily political show, Biden laughed off host Peter Hamby’s question about how he will fight back against the “Dementia Joe” meme that is trending on social media, calling it “ridiculous. As you can see from my grin, my teeth are in great shape.”

Clapper Says “Spying on Americans Is Routine”

Former Director of National Intelligence (DNI) James Clapper dismissed the hubbub over revelations that the intelligence community spied on the Trump campaign by asserting “Trump wasn’t singled out as some sort of personal vendetta. Spying on Americans is routine. I estimate that more than 100,000 different American citizens were spied on during my tenure at DNI.”

“We live in a dangerous world,” Clapper reminded. “Enemies abound—both foreign and domestic. Those of us entrusted with defending the government from these enemies must be ever vigilant. Tapping phone lines, bugging residences, secretly video taping people in their homes and work places, blackmail, and any other means of gathering the intelligence needed to keep us safe must be employed.”

“President Obama explicitly asked that we keep an eye on Donald Trump,” Clapper added. “Here was a guy that had no political pedigree trying to seize power from the men who have invested their careers in public service. His sudden change of career from the private sector to running for president was highly suspicious. His success at it was alarming. We had to do whatever we could to neutralize this threat. The blatant exposure of our covert actions against Trump by current DNI acting-director Richard Grenell is an unprecedented invasion of the privacy that is essential for the intelligence community to be able to do its job.”

In related news, Clapper said “I won’t be able to honor Senate Judiciary Committee Chairman Lindsey Graham’s request that I testify under oath in front of his committee. There’s nothing in it for me. When I testify on CNN they provide me with talking points and a paycheck. Unless Lindsey can match that I’m going to have to refuse to testify for him. My excuse will be that until there is a vaccine for COVID-19 it would be too risky for a man my age to leave home. He can watch what I say on CNN and sort through that for evidence.”

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Gov Vetoes Telemedicine Bill

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Pennsylvania Gov. Tom Wolf (D) vetoed a bill that would have expanded patients’ access to telemedicine services during the coronavirus lockdown because “it didn’t include at home abortions.” In his veto message Wolf explained that “Planned Parenthood spent $1.5 million to help me win reelection. I would be a terrible ingrate if I failed to protect their interests.”

Critics pointed out that the veto will prevent a wide array of patients with serious health concerns from consulting with a doctor. Wolf expressed his sympathy, but asserted that “securing the equal treatment of all medical issues has to take precedence over discrimination against one procedure. The need of some women to end the lives of their unwanted children is just as valid as any other health concern. If these don’t-want-to-be mothers can’t be served, then no one can be served. If some must be deprived then all must be deprived.”

Susan B. Anthony List President Marjorie Dannenfelser questioned Wolf’s reasoning, pointing out that “abortion-inducing drugs pose a serious risk of potentially life-threatening complications. Research shows as many as five to seven percent of women who undergo chemical abortions will require follow-up surgery. Aside from the moral issue of killing babies, it seems clear that for the sake of the woman, even drug-induced abortions ought to be performed in a facility equipped to respond to the potentially deadly complications that may occur.”

Trump Accused of “Attempted Murder”

President Rump’s offer to provide his anticipated Democratic opponent for president with “the same kind of rapid COVID-19 testing system that I have so he can get out of quarantine and back on the campaign trail” was denounced by former Vice-President Joe Biden’s campaign manager Greg Schultz as “attempted murder.”

“Trump knows that Joe is a member of the aged and decrepit cohort of the population that is most vulnerable to the virus,” Schultz charged. “These tests don’t provide any protection from infection for the person being tested. They only assure that the person is not likely to infect others. The risk of Joe being infected by others while he is campaigning would still be present.”

“Trump may be willing to take such risks in his campaign to deceive people into voting for him, but Joe is not,” Schultz asserted. “He will continue to set an example that he hopes every American will emulate by remaining in quarantine until there is a vaccine. We are confident that this heroic decision will show voters the kind of leadership Joe will exercise once he is elected the nation’s next president.”

Case Against Flynn Dropped

Disclosure of previously withheld FBI documents reveal that rather than pursuing an honest investigation of former National Security Adviser General Michael Flynn, the FBI plotted to entrap him. This prompted Attorney General William Barr to order that the case against him be dropped.

“When we look at the evidence it is clear that there is no underlying crime,” Barr observed. “As in-coming NSA, Flynn was acting within the scope of his duties to converse with the Russian Ambassador. The FBI’s transcript of its illegal wire tap of Flynn showed no illicit content. Yet, the FBI proceeded to entrap him by comparing his later recollections of those conversations to their tapes, noting differences, and alleging he lied to the FBI. To this, the Mueller investigators added extortion by threatening to concoct charges against Flynn’s son unless he pled guilty. It’s time the unjust persecution of this man is stopped.”

House Judiciary Committee chairman Rep. Jerrold Nadler (D-NY) decried Barr’s decision. “A lot of people worked long and hard to get Flynn to plead guilty,” he pointed out. “Dismissing the case at this late date makes it all seem a waste. In my mind, once a person pleads guilty the case is over and the punishment phase needs to begin. Reversing this process on the grounds that it was not a proper investigation is unconscionable. Lots of investigations are imperfect. Does that mean we have to let guys off because of these imperfections?”

House Intelligence Committee chairman Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) echoed Nadler’s frustration, “trickery and intimidation are standard tools for ferreting out the guilty and ensuring their punishment. I shudder to think of the precedent Barr is setting. People that law enforcement know to be bad actors will go free to continue their depredations against society if our hands are tied by excessively fastidious demands for hard evidence before we can prosecute. Evil men like Trump will be unconstrained and our democracy will suffer.”

Former FBI Director James Comey, instigator of the effort to frame Flynn, lamented that “the DOJ has lost its way. Entrapment is a long-standing and vital tool for law enforcement. At the very least, the ease with which we were able lure Flynn into making inconsistent statements and pressure him to plead guilty showed he was too weak to serve in government. Regardless of whether he was or wasn’t an actual criminal, per se, we still saved the nation from suffering from his incompetence as NSA director.”

NY Gov Declares 90-Day Rent “Holiday”

Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D-NY) issued an executive decree absolving all tenants from having to pay rent until August 20. “Since it was my previous decree barring all nonessential businesses from operating during the pandemic that ended the employment of millions of workers, it is only fair that I also decree that no one be required to pay rent until I deem it appropriate to allow these businesses to reopen,” he said.

The governor acknowledged that “this may seem unfair to landlords who will lose their incomes during the rent holiday. But as former President Jimmy Carter said, ‘life is unfair.’ Considering state laws levying the highest property taxes in the nation and various local rent-control ordinances, I’m really amazed that anyone invests in rental properties. If my 90-day suspension of rents negatively affects this segment of the economy that crisis will present yet another opportunity to transform society. Maybe down the road all property will be owned by the government and rent can be supplanted by a better system for determining who lives where.”

In related news, Cuomo is demanding that health workers who came to help out his state at the peak of the pandemic be taxed. “I’m not saying that I don’t appreciate the help these doctors and nurses provided,” he pointed out. “All I’m saying is that anyone who earns a dollar of income while in my state must be taxed. If I let these people go untaxed a bad precedent will be set for the next crisis that comes along. To stay consistent with our values of having the highest taxes of any state we can’t afford to make any exceptions.”

Campus Due Process Rule Denounced

Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos’ effort to ensure due process in cases alleging sexual assault on university campuses sparked immediate criticism from presidential candidate former Vice-President Joe Biden. The secretary’s action seeks to both strengthen Title IX protections for survivors of sexual misconduct and to restore due process in campus proceedings.

“We want to have a system where students can have confidence that justice will prevail,” DeVos said. “This includes justice for victims and for those wrongfully accused. For a long time, many universities discouraged women from coming forward to lodge complaints. In more recent years, many universities have implemented Kafkaesque procedures denying the accused a right to defend themselves. This initiative is intended to correct both these problems.”

Biden called DeVos’ action “wrong. I will reverse this once I’m president. Throughout my career I have always been on the side of women—massaging their shoulders, nuzzling their necks, and groping for a way to show them that I care, that I am on their side. The men who prey on women will find out that I’m not afraid to crack down on predators. In my opinion, the summary expulsions doled out by universities are too good for these offenders. We need to add prison time and maybe castration if we are to stem the epidemic of sex crimes on campus. As president, I will be the man who finally makes this happen.”

Plan to Wind Down Task Force Sparks Criticism

President Trump’s suggestion that we need to pivot from battling with COVID-19 to resurrecting the economy has been met with criticisms from Democrats. “We’ve done a pretty good job flattening the curve,” Trump said. “We met all the states’ requests for equipment to ensure that our hospitals wouldn’t be overwhelmed. We even built some new hospitals in the New York City hot spot. We’re well on our way to winning on this front. Now, I think we need to get to work on rescuing the people flattened by the temporary economic shutdown. People who have been blocked from earning an income need to have their right to live restored.”

House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer (D-Md) called Trump’s suggestion “unthinkable. Over the last two-months we’ve seen a level of civic obedience that I didn’t think would ever be possible in this country. By declaring a state of emergency, governors across the nation have been able to rule without the encumbrance of having to have new laws enacted by legislatures. This was greatly aided by the fear of sickness and death. The Coronavirus Task Force has been an integral part of this transformation of our government. Rather than winding down it needs to become a permanent feature going forward.”

Former presidential candidate Hillary Clinton shared Hoyer’s perspective. “Disbanding the Task Force means that the freedom fanatics win,” she warned. “The almost uniform compliance with directives that these fanatics claim violate their constitutional rights has been unprecedented. Even if the pandemic is basically whipped, this is something we need to build on, not throw away. In my view, this task force can serve as a model for future governance. We should have similar task forces established to make rules for the economy, the environment, and social justice. The geriatric Congress can continue to shelter at home and offer advice from a position of safety to these new ruling bodies.”

Gov Orders Gardens Torn Out

Gov. Gretchen Whitmer (D-Mich) ordered state police to “investigate and exterminate unauthorized gardens” that have popped up in the increasingly warm spring weather in her state.

“Look, I outlawed the purchase of seeds as part of my stay-at-home directive,” she explained. “The appearance of well-tended gardens raises suspicion that the homeowner has either illegally bought seeds, gone outside for nonessential activity, or both. If we allow some individuals to flout the law like this people will tend to lose confidence in my governance.”

“I have instructed law enforcement to act on either on their own initiative or in response to a tip from a citizen snitch to approach suspected violators and interrogate them,” Whitmer said. “If those residing in homes with a garden cannot persuade the investigating officer that they had nothing to do with the flowers or vegetables growing in their yards they will be given seven days to tear out the illegal garden or face a fine of $1,000 or 30 days in jail.”

Meanwhile in Kansas City, Mayor Quinton Lucas ordered that churches in the jurisdiction “turn over the names and addresses of anyone attending services. Worshipping a nonexistent deity is the very definition of a nonessential activity. Violators must not be allowed to cloak their illegal activity behind a claim of constitution privilege. During this emergency it is my responsibility to protect everyone from being endangered by the irresponsible behavior of others. I will not be deterred by fanatics waving an out-dated piece of paper at me.”

Senators Concoct Plan to Worsen Economy

In the realization that the fear of the coronavirus that is keeping people from resuming normal life won’t last forever, Sens. Kamala Harris (D-Calif), Bernie Sanders (I-Vt) and Ed Markey (D-Mass) are cosponsoring legislation that will pay everyone in America until the virus’ impact on the economy subsides. Their bill is called the Monthly Economic Crisis Support Act and would provide a monthly $2,000 check to single individuals, $4,000 to married couples, and $2,000 for each child (up to a maximum of three per family). To be eligible, your income needs to be less than $120,000 per year.

“The hope is to keep everyone sheltering in place until after the election,” Harris said. “As we have seen in California, people are leaving home to go to the beach. There are also protests against the lock down at the State Capitol in Sacramento. Obviously, the fear of the virus is waning. Offering cash to stay at home is our only feasible option if we are to have any chance to thwart Trump’s drive to bring back the prosperity he hopes will secure his reelection. Even if we can’t get our bill past McConnell, we’ll still be on record as supporting a guaranteed income. This will let those who prefer leisure over work to know who to vote for come November.”

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.