Schumer Appalled by Trump Letter

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) expressed his disgust at “Trump’s unpresidential response to my criticism of his failures. Rather than graciously acknowledge his deficiencies and resign from office, he defended his leadership during the COVID-19 crisis, corrected my so-called inaccuracies, and called me a bad senator.”

Trump rebutted the Senator’s criticisms by pointing out that “his demand that I appoint a ‘czar’ to lead us in this crisis conveniently ignores the fact that Vice-President Pence has already been appointed to head up our effort and that Rear Admiral John Polowczyk is in charge of purchasing and distributing medical supplies. His complaint that I have left the states to fend for themselves is demonstrably false. We have given lots of aid to his state of New York—much of it to make up for shortages resulting from prior poor decisions by Governor Cuomo.”

Schumer jumped at the chance to disprove Trump’s assertion that New York state officials were slow to take effective action against the virus, “why just yesterday, the legislature agreed to increase Gov. Cuomo’s salary to $250,000 by 2021. This will make him the highest paid governor in the United States. Clearly, this shows that the Party appreciates Gov. Cuomo’s earlier decision to save New York from having to pay $600 million for 16,000 ventilators that the federal government is now going to give us free of charge. He also lead a drive to shut down hospitals. Now the feds are giving us new hospitals, also free of charge. Gov. Cuomo is smarter than all the other governors who foolishly made their own taxpayers fund emergency medical supplies. That shows the kind of heads-up thinking that the country needs from our next president.”

Biden to Take “Hands-on” Approach to Find Running Mate

The presumptive Democratic presidential nominee, former Vice-President Joe Biden renewed his pledge “to have a woman be my running mate” and vowed he will “take a hands-on approach to vetting the field of contenders.”

One that has recently garnered Biden’s attention is Michigan Gov. Gretchen Whitmer. “She looks like she has what it will take to serve under me when I’m president,” he said. “That 180 degree turn she took on that malaria drug—first banning it in her state, then demanding the feds supply her with it—showed that she has moves. She also has some of the most alluring hair I’ve never touched.”

“I’m not saying she’s the one, though,” the Veep added. “There are others I’ve got to feel out to see if they measure up to my expectations and needs as head-of-state. As I recall, there were a few women in some of those debates that might do, though I can’t remember their names right now. And let’s not forget the transgenders. Jill and I have always liked the transgenders. Having someone like Georgia Gov. Stacey Abrams as my vice-president would be historic.”

Pelosi Calls for Investigation

This week, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) announced the creation of the House Select Committee on the Coronavirus Crisis. House Intelligence Committee Chairman Adam Schiff (D-Calif), leader of this year’s unsuccessful attempt to remove Trump from office via impeachment, is expected to head up this ad hoc committee.

President Trump has questioned the timing of this announcement and suggested that “we win the war against this virus rather than wasting precious time and scarce resources trying to allocate blame now. After we’ve won this war we can assess what went wrong and what went right so we can be better prepared for future medical emergencies.”

To bolster his suggestion, Trump recalled that “when Gov. Dewey—one of the great New York governors—was running against FDR in the 1944 election there were some urging him to support a congressional investigation of the Pearl Harbor disaster and why we were unprepared for the Japanese attack. While acknowledging that such an investigation might help him win the election, he declined to support it saying ‘I’d rather lose an election than lose a war.’ He put patriotism ahead of politics. Why can’t we do that now?”

“Need I point out that Dewey lost that election?” Pelosi retorted. “Given that Trump is a far more serious threat to the country than the virus, I can assure you that we Democrats will not be using Dewey as a model for us to emulate. Despite our best efforts over the past three years to save the nation from the incompetence and evil intent manifested by Trump, the peril has only grown worse. We owe it to the American people to use any means and every opportunity to end the nightmare that began on November 8, 2016 as soon as possible. If our inquiry distracts Trump from carrying out his inept actions during the crisis, so much the better.”

In other insane news, Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) and Rep. Ayanna Pressley (D-Mass) are demanding that Health and Human Services Secretary Alex Azar compile statistics on the race of COVID-19 patients. “We need to know whether minorities are suffering in numbers disproportionate to their share of the total population,” Warren said. “If they are that will be more evidence of the racist impacts of the Trump Administration’s handling of this crisis.”

New IG Report Reveals Rampant Corruption in FISA Program

While the news is inundated with stories about the COVID-19 pandemic, Inspector General of the Department of Justice Michael Horowitz issued a new report on the FISA program. His terse conclusion that “we do not have confidence in FBI policy compliance” grossly understated the gravity of the Agency’s transgressions.

The most alarming finding in this report is that 96% of the FISA applications requesting permission to spy on American citizens contained serious errors or omissions. These included “unverified, inaccurate, and inadequately supported allegations” that were used to get the FISA court to authorize the spying.

James Comey, FBI Director overseeing these defective requests to spy on Americans, insists that “these were all honest mistakes. Maybe we were a little sloppy in our zeal to prevent the unqualified Donald Trump from being elected president and exercising the powers entrusted to that office, but our intentions were good.”

As proof of his own good intentions, Comey pointed out that former CIA director John Brennan and former director of national intelligence James Clapper “also spied on Americans and lied about it under oath when they testified before Congress. When all the top intelligence professionals are simultaneously breaking the law and lying about it you’ve got to figure they have darn good cause for doing it.”

Petty Tyranny Pops Up Around the USA

Malibu, California: A man paddle-boarding in the Pacific Ocean off the coast was arrested and taken away in handcuffs for violating the state’s social distancing rules. He now faces a fine of up to $1,000 and/or a jail stint of up to six months. Earlier in the week, a lone surfer was arrested and fined $1,000. A spokesperson for Gov. Gavin Newsom explained that “while the fact that this perp was more than hundreds of feet from any other person might seem to be within the guidelines, it is not up to individuals to make this interpretation for themselves. Yes, being outdoors to exercise is one of the activities permitted under the stay-at-home order. However, if we are barring pick-up basketball games, which are very popular forms of exercise among African-American youths, it would be racist to allow options favored by whites. The deprivation and suffering must be racially balanced.”

San Francisco: A lone protester praying outside a Planned Parenthood abortion clinic was arrested for violating Gov. Newsom’s stay-at-home order. The arresting officer explained that “even though he was more than the specified ten feet from persons entering and leaving the facility, praying is not exercising. Neither is his contention that the Constitution’s First Amendment right to freedom of religion and freedom of speech takes precedence over the Governor’s order. During a health emergency individual rights must be put aside and everyone obey the orders they are given by their government.”

Laredo, Texas: The city council passed an ordinance requiring all persons over the age of 5 to have their nose and mouth covered when entering public buildings, using public transportation, and pumping gas. Additionally, anyone who is outside his or her residence between the hours of 10 pm and 5 am must have a letter of permission from a recognized authority. Violators are subject to a $1,000 fine or 180 days imprisonment. Thus far, three persons have died with the COVID-19 virus out of a total city population of more than 260,000.

Vermont: The Agency of Commerce and Community Development has ordered Walmart and Target to stop selling nonessential items. Secretary Lindsay Kurrle explained that “even though it might be convenient for consumers to buy such items while they’re shopping for groceries in these stores, it would be unfair to the clothing, housewares, and other stores that have been ordered closed by the governor.”

New York City: Mayor Bill de Blasio threatened to “permanently shut down any church or synagogue that refuses to obey Governor Cuomo’s ‘stay-at-home’ order. No one has the right to endanger the community by failing to comply with the directives of those in charge. Religion is the opiate of the masses. Praying to a non-existent God is a waste of time that can only be tolerated when it doesn’t interfere with the needs of the state.”

Washington, DC: Mayor Muriel Bowser has decreed that anyone who violates his “stay-at-home” order will be faced with a $5,000 fine and 90 days in jail. Mercedes Schlapp, an adviser to President Trump’s re-election campaign, questioned the sanity of this order. “Locking up curfew violators with the kinds of violent criminals that inhabit the City’s jails seems a cruel punishment for such a mild offense,” she tweeted. “And the $5,000 fine seems excessive.” Bowser replied “if you can’t do the time, don’t commit the crime” and added “the $5,000 fine is needed to cover the cost of the violator’s incarceration.”

Mayor Asks Criminals to Postpone Predatory Behavior

Houston Mayor Sylvester Turner went on TV to try to persuade criminals “to wait until the COVID-19 pandemic eases up, before you go out to rob, rape, or murder someone. I know you have needs. I know you have scores to settle. But the risk to your own health at this time is too great. Prey on the wrong person and you could get sick and maybe die. I’m not asking you to give up your careers or stifle your passions. I’m just advising you to be patient so you can violate the law later without undue risk to yourself.”

In related news, the ACLU has called for the release of all prisoners in the COVID-19 high-risk group. Spokesman Bertram Petty charged that “keeping these people confined in jails amounts to a death sentence. We also call for a moratorium on arrests for similar reasons. Putting more people behind bars during the pandemic will lead to more people coming down with the virus. This is an unacceptable violation of their human rights.”

In response, California Gov. Gavin Newsom commuted the sentences of 14 murderers to “time-served” and authorized their immediate release. “We don’t want these men’s blood on our hands,” he explained. “They were sentenced to life or lengthy prison terms, not death.”

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.nistration.”

Dems Demonstrate Leadership

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

In the midst of the coronavirus pandemic, Bill and Hillary Clinton donated more than 400 pizzas to all of the hospitals in their home county of Westchester, NY. The donation was heralded by a tweet from Hillary “thanking medical workers and everyone else who is working to save lives and keep us all going right now.”

Angela Cirilli, an emergency medicine ultrasound director at St John’s Riverside Hospital, tweeted her gratitude saying “Amazing !!! Thank you !!!! We NEED LEADERS LIKE YOU in this tough time.”

A spokesperson for the Clintons contrasted “this unprecedented act of generosity with Trump’s failure to answer Gov. Cuomo’s heart-felt pleas for more ventilators. His insistence that New York use the stockpile they have on hand before demanding more is heartless.”

Meanwhile, Cuomo called the $40 billion in aid earmarked for his state in the recently passed Coronavirus Aid, Relief, and Economic Security (CARES) Act “irresponsibly inadequate. The money is restricted to covering only coronavirus-related expenses. As a high-tax state, though, our government coffers are being especially hard hit by the statewide economic shutdown I ordered. As president of the whole country, it is Trump’s duty to transfer resources from low-tax states to help cover our revenue losses.”

Ironically, Cuomo passed up an opportunity to replenish ventilator supplies during 2015’s state budget negotiations—opting instead for a triage approach based on each patient’s “social value score” to allocate the existing 4,000 ventilators on-hand at the time. Money that could have been spent on ventilators then was instead used to print thousands of “I love New York” banners for distribution and display at various locations around the state. In his defense, Cuomo pointed out that “President Obama was also cutting expenditures for the Centers for Disease Control around that time. Why should I be held to a higher standard than a Nobel Prize winner?”

Since Cuomo took over as governor, 174 New York City hospitals have been closed. Trump has sent a navy hospital ship with 1,000 beds to New York City. The Governor expressed a modicum of appreciation, but pointed out “this is only a stop-gap measure. When the crisis passes this ship will sail away. The federal government needs to fund construction of new permanent hospitals with the CARES Act money.”

Dem Governors Ban Virus Therapy

In Michigan, Gov. Half Whitmer (D) warned doctors and pharmacists that their licenses could be revoked if they prescribe hydroxychloroquine or chloroquine to patients suffering from COVID-19. In Nevada, Gov. Steve Sisolak (D) also barred doctors from prescribing these drugs for COVID-19.

Sisolak explained that “there is no proof that these drugs are effective in treating this virus. Until there is proof we cannot allow patients to be subjected to a possibly ineffective therapy.” The Governor argued that “this action wouldn’t have been necessary if Trump hadn’t endorsed these drugs on national TV.”

These bans run directly contrary to President Trump’s “right to try” philosophy regarding medical care. “I’m not saying that these drugs are THE CURE,” he reminded. “There have been reports from doctors who have tried these drugs and the results have been encouraging. Since these drugs have been off patent for decades they are inexpensive. If attending physicians and their patients want to try these drugs, I don’t think the government should stop them from doing what they think is best for their health and survival.”

Comedian Says “Trump Is Trying to Kill Me”

Kathy Griffin, the “comedian” who sent her career into a tailspin with repeated barrages of vicious and intemperate jibes at President Trump, the most infamous of which was a picture of her holding what appeared to be his severed head, recently checked into a hospital and demanded she be tested for COVID-19. Since her symptoms didn’t meet the guidelines, the hospital refused.

After examining the patient, the hospital doctor diagnosed her ailment as a “stomach infection,” gave her a prescription and sent her home. Griffin contends that this diagnosis “was politically tainted. I’ve been on a ‘blacklist’ ever since I tried to use my freedom of speech to call attention to Trump’s lack of qualifications to be president. At first, this just meant that a lot of places refused to book my gigs. Now, apparently, it means I can’t get the same go-to-the-head-of-the-line privileges that are normally afforded to celebrities. Trashing my career, denying me the medical care I want—clearly Trump is trying to kill me.”

Griffin said she has “asked Gov. Newsom to intervene on my behalf.” However, the Governor’s office has demurred, saying that “President Trump has been exceptionally attentive and expeditious in addressing our needs and concerns. All of the state’s medical professionals have been doing an outstanding job of allocating tests and treatments to those who need them. We will not besmirch them for correctly following procedures and ignoring the hysterical ravings of one disappointed woman.”

Plastic Bag Ban Temporarily Lifted

Publicly acknowledging that reusable bags spread germs, Boston Mayor Marty Walsh has temporarily lifted the City’s ban on using disposable plastic bags to carry merchandise out of stores. Gov. Charlie Baker (R) bolstered this move by banning reusable bags statewide and allowing merchants to offer plastic bags in their place while the COVID-19 pandemic persists.

Numerous studies have amply demonstrated that reusable bags are infested with pathogens. It is one thing to allow anti-plastic zealots to carry them around. It is yet another for such bags to be made the only legal option for shoppers. Plastic bags became dominant in a free market because of their convenience, efficiency, and safety. Forcing everyone to use less convenient, less efficient and less safe reusable bags makes no sense.

Yet, both the mayor and governor insist that lifting the ban on plastic bags will be only a temporary respite from the baleful effects of the reusable bags. “Mandating that people rely on reusable bags has a ‘feel good’ quality to it,” Baker said. “It doesn’t seem wasteful like the single-use plastic bag does. People can easily imagine that they’re doing something good for the environment.”

Walsh pointed out that “in my opinion, the extra risk posed by reusable bags is relatively small compared to the psychological benefits gained from the belief that you are somehow helping the environment to be more pristine. And who’s to say that hauling around harmful microbes when you shop doesn’t help build a stronger ‘herd immunity’ in the long run?”

Mayor Sees “Silver Lining” in Pandemic

Los Angeles Mayor Eric Garcetti urged that “we look on the bright side of the current pandemic. Sure there are inconveniences that must be endured, but there is also a ‘silver lining.’ Consider the positive developments we have observed so far.”

“The widespread fear of the contagion has inspired a much higher rate of public cooperation with the autocratic measures we have seen fit to impose,” the Mayor pointed out. “We tell people to go to their homes and stay there. Almost everyone obeys. For the few who don’t we cut off their electricity and water—making their lives hellish and squalid.”

“With the streets cleared of potential victims, muggings have decreased,” Garcetti bragged. “Since no one is supposed to be out and about it is easier for police to intercept would-be burglars and rapists before they can make it to the homes and businesses they plan to break into.”

“All this has been achieved by ordering nonessential activities to cease,” he marveled. “I think we need to consider whether we should make the lock-down permanent. Why should we ever let nonessential activities resume after the virus crisis has passed? Doesn’t the ‘nonessential’ designation tell us that these activities are unnecessary drains on the collective well-being? If the government can divert all resources to only essential activities wouldn’t everyone be better off? This crisis has shown us a new way forward toward the progressive ideal we Democrats have been trying to bestow upon the population.”

Study Contradicts COVID-19 Media Narrative

Despite a cacophony of criticisms directed at President Trump’s handling of the COVID pandemic claiming it was too hasty, it’s too sluggish, it’s anti-science, and racist, a study by the Johns Hopkins Center for Health Security (JHCHS) published in late 2019 found that the United States was more prepared for a pandemic than any other country in the world.

MSNBC anchor Andrea Mitchell dismissed the Study’s findings, calling them “myopic in scope. The preparedness index was narrowly focused on medical issues like quantities of hospitals, doctors, equipment and medicines. It totally overlooked the political downside of generating a favorable image of Trump among voters. Everyday, Trump appears on TV giving updates on the status of the disease and the progress his team is making to overcome it. Meanwhile, Vice-President Biden pointed out that even if the US was the best prepared we still were only 87 percent ready. Trump’s failure to get us 100 percent ready shows his incompetence. Biden’s hard-hitting assessment has been mostly ignored. I fear that the lesser danger of the virus is laying the groundwork for the greater danger of Trump’s reelection.”

It’s not that Biden hasn’t been trying to garner more attention. His intended “shadow” briefings on the pandemic have not gone particularly well, what with the gaffes and technical mishaps marring his presentation. His virtual “happy hour” had an average viewership of less than 3,000 for the full length of the sixty-minute program.

Then, too, there is the accusation made by former staffer Tara Reade that he reached inside her skirt and fondled her back in 1993. Biden called Reade’s accusation “cruel and insensitive. It was an honest mistake. I thought I was reaching under my kilt to scratch myself, groping around trying to find my Johnson before I remembered I wasn’t wearing a kilt that day. If Tara’s plaid skirt hadn’t looked so much like the Biden Clan plaid I don’t think I would’ve mistaken it for my kilt. So, it’s partly her fault.”

Pelosi Mocks Trump’s Desire to Get America Back to Work

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) mocked President Trump’s desire to reopen shuttered businesses as soon as possible, calling it “totally irrational. Studies have shown that unemployment compensation is the super fuel for economic prosperity. With unemployment benefits a person has both an income and freedom from labor. Trump would throw this ideal away by forcing individuals to sacrifice their leisure in order to earn and income.”

The Speaker suggested that “Trump doesn’t understand science. When you can maximize income while minimizing effort your return on investment is the best it can be. The current medical crisis is giving us the opportunity to carry out a real-life experiment that will prove the truth of what I’m saying and the Democratic Party has been working to achieve since the days of FDR. The myth of capitalism is that wealth must be created by arduous effort under the guidance of investors and management. The steps that have been taken by many governors to confine people to their homes combined with the trillion dollar aid package Congress just passed will once-and-for-all show voters that the progressive model for running the country—living and thriving without toil—will restore humanity to the Garden of Eden that God intended for all of us.”

Biden Touts Chinese Nostrum for COVID-19

Former Vice-President Joe Biden sharply criticized President Trump for “pushing an unproven malaria drug as a cure for the virus. A couple in Arizona poisoned themselves by taking it. My son has used his business connections in China to secure millions of doses of a traditional folk remedy for respiratory ailments. It’s a formula comprised of bear bile, goat horn and dried fruit.”

“It’s time for us to undo the mistakes of the previous administration,” Biden said. “So today, I am issuing an executive order for the Health and Human Services Department to purchase as many doses as Hunter can round up. I have heard the pleas of the long-suffering Gov. Cuomo and Mayor de Blasio. Unlike the incompetent Trump, I am ordering that all New York City residents be immediately inoculated for a clinical study of this formula.”

In related news, Rhode Island Gov. Gina Raimondo (D) has ordered the National Guard “to conduct a statewide house-to-house search for refugees from the New York City virus epicenter. Everyone we find will be put on buses. When each bus is full it will be driven to New York City where the passengers will be able to receive the bear bile injections promised by the Biden AdmiA

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.nistration.”

 

Ayatollah Says It’s Okay to Accept Vaccine from Israel

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Reports that Israel may soon produce a vaccine for the coronavirus prompted Iran’s Grand Ayatollah Naser Makarem Shirazi to say “it’s okay for Muslims to accept it.” The revered cleric cited an instance in the Prophet Muhammad’s life to support his ruling.

“Mohammed was the first man to receive Allah’s command to exterminate the Jews,” he pointed out. “Yet, there came a moment when he agreed to a truce with these vermin that both sides should lay down their arms. When the Jewish army complied with this agreement the Prophet ordered them seized and beheaded.”

“If Muslims are to obey the command to slay the Jews we must survive,” the Ayatollah explained. “If the Jews in their greed are willing to sell us a medicine that helps us to survive, it is our right to take this medicine so we may live to carry out our religious obligation to rid the world of Jews when we are well enough to do so. We must not make the same mistake that Hitler made by allowing a Jew named Einstein to escape his grasp and carry the knowledge of how to build the atom bomb over to his enemies. Hitler could have won the war and had the opportunity to thoroughly exterminate Satan’s spawn.”

Pelosi Defends Abortion-Funding Clause in Coronavirus Bill

President Trump’s hope for bipartisan legislation to combat the coronavirus pandemic was put in doubt when House Democrats tried to include non-pertinent add-on spending to it. A particularly egregious add-on was a provision that would authorize spending federal funds on abortions.

After the U.S. Supreme Court declared that women had a right to abort unwanted babies up to the third trimester in its 1973 Roe v. Wade ruling, Rep. Henry Hyde (R-Ill) led a bipartisan majority to enact a law barring the use of taxpayer funds to provide abortions. His reasoning was that since many taxpayers considered abortion to be murder, they shouldn’t be compelled to finance it.

Since some members of her party opposed adding this provision to the coronavirus emergency bill, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) was unable to garner a enough votes to support passage with language that included the abortion funding. Nevertheless, she still insists that “funding desperately needed abortions must be a critical element of the fight against the coronavirus pandemic. Every child born is a future potential victim of the virus. Parents who want to spare their children from suffering and possibly dying from this dreaded new disease should not be denied this human right just because they can’t afford to pay for their own abortions.”

“Individuals who have moral objections to abortion have a civic duty to put aside their personal beliefs for the sake of the collective well-being of society,” the Speaker asserted. “Under our laws, abortion is not considered murder. For us to continue to tolerate idiosyncratic objections under the pretense of a moral code that has no legal foundation only rewards the inherent selfishness of these deviants. We need to take heed of China’s more enlightened approach to religion. There, religious freedom is bounded by the necessity to comply with the moral directives decreed by a government that has placed the good of the whole ahead of the objections of a minority.”

Media Dolts Praise “Courageous” and “Charming” Biden

In a campaign stop at a Michigan automobile factory, Democratic presidential candidate former Vice-President Joe Biden verbally chastised a worker, called him a “horse’s ass,” and threatened to “slap you in the face.” The worker’s offense was to disagree with Biden’s position on gun control.

Atlantic writer David Frum called Biden’s outburst “terrific. I think this lays to rest the contention that the Vice-President isn’t up to the job of running the country. This was the kind of language the working class voters can appreciate. Joe is the father figure they’ve all been waiting for—a no nonsense guy who puts their juvenile ideas into their proper place.”

Frum alleged that “Trump is too much of a coward to tell it like it is. He’d let every yokel out there decide for himself whether he wants to exercise his so-called Second Amendment right to bear arms, rather than calmly explain why the government has to limit firearm ownership to only those who can show a true need. Biden has already signaled that he will appoint ‘hell yes, we’re going to take your AR-15, your AK-47′ Beto O’ Rourke as his ‘guns czar’ when he is president.”

CNN’s John King found Biden’s charge that the worker was “full of sh*t” to be “charming. It’s authentic and earthy. Reminds me of the kind of vulgarity that LBJ displayed from time-to-time. And he won a landslide victory over Barry Goldwater in 1964. I think verbally slapping down a ‘gun-rights’ voter will work in Joe’s favor among Democrats.”

Pelosi Condemns “Bigoted” Tweet

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) demanded that House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy (R-Calif) apologize for mentioning that the coronavirus originated in China. “Bigoted statements which spread misinformation and blame Asians for the coronavirus make us all less safe,” she claimed. “This is just more of Trump’s ‘America first’ garbage. The Chinese government doesn’t agree that this disease originated in their country. Their theory is that the US Army covertly introduced the coronavirus by planting infected bats in Wuhan restaurants where unsuspecting gourmands would eat them and get sick.”

“Sadly, McCarthy isn’t the only racist to unfairly implicate China,” the Speaker added. “Secretary of State Mike Pompeo, Sen. Tom Cotton (R-Ark), and Rep. Paul Gosar (R-Ariz) have each had their turn at it.”

McCarthy characterized Pelosi’s statement as “another in a long line of political smears that have supplanted civil discussion from the Democratic side of the aisle. Historically, it has been common to identify new diseases by their place of origin. A few weeks ago the media itself—including the Washington Post, NBC, and CNN—were using the phrases ‘Chinese coronavirus’ and ‘Wuhan virus’ to describe this new disease. Are they all racists too?”

NY Solution to Hand Sanitizer Shortage Inspires Sanders

Fear of the coronavirus has led to a run on hand sanitizer supplies leaving store shelves empty of the product. In New York, Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D) announced that inmates in the state’s prisons are now producing hand sanitizer at a cost of only $6.10 per gallon.

Contender for the Democratic presidential nomination Sen. Bernie Sanders (Vt) hailed this as “a model for how we take profiteering out of the process of meeting the needs of the people. Instead of allowing billionaires to rip off their customers we’ll put them to work while they are behind bars. We’ll convert them from being capitalist exploiters into honest laborers for the common good.”

A second aspect of the hand sanitizer solution that Sanders found admirable is that “the product won’t be sold in the markets, but will be distributed on the basis of need. Rather than having a corporate board of directors setting prices based on what the market will bear, government officials will be determining who are the most deserving recipients. This ensures that social justice will triumph over selfishness.”

“We are fortunate that a disease pandemic has had the ‘silver lining’ of illustrating how true socialism can work miracles for the benefit of humanity,” the Senator observed. “Where the market has failed, the State of New York has pioneered a remedy. Using prisoners keeps costs low. Since the state provides their room-and-board for free, they’re satisfied to work for only 65 cents per hour. We are slowly relearning the truths demonstrated in the Soviet Gulags where social and political misfits were put to work for the common good. If we can overcome our ill-placed squeamishness, we can also harness these techniques for transforming our country.”

In related news, Sanders has vowed to give a nonstop speech to America for the duration of the coronavirus pandemic. He modestly explained that “it’s the least I can do in this time of crisis. I have no medical skills or knowledge to contribute, but I do have the stamina to try to entertain those self-quarantined at home. There are many stories of heroic socialists—like Lenin who executed the Tsar and his family, Stalin who executed the counterrevolutionaries, and Fidel who executed the capitalist parasites—that I can tell to help boost everyone’s spirits.”

AOC Says Refusal to Eat in Chinese Restaurants “Racist”

Leary of the coronavirus, some people are avoiding eating in Chinese restaurants. Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) has branded people who do this “racists.” She, herself, doesn’t eat in Chinese restaurants, but insisted “I’m not racist because only whites can be racist.”

“Actually, it would be cultural inappropriate for me, a person of Puerto Rican descent, to eat Chinese food,” she maintained. “I only eat Puerto Rican food, as is appropriate for a person of my racial background.”

CBO Urges High School Grads to Forgo College

The Congressional Budget Office (CBO) released an assessment of the cost of a college education and advised recent high school graduates planning on getting one to “save your money. You’re going to need it to help pay down the student debt of those foolish enough to have already incurred the cost of earning a degree.”

The CBO report found that “a glut of graduates without marketable skills has led to a crash in the salaries many of them counted on to repay the loans they took out to be able to afford going to college. What America needs now is for more high school grads to enter the workforce and get real jobs producing products and services that consumers are willing to pay for. Not only will this likely boost individual gains, but it will also produce surpluses that can be taxed away to cover the losses the government has suffered from student-loan defaults. It may seem kind of a raw deal for one generation to have to pay the debts of a preceding generation, but sometimes sacrifices have to be made for the common good.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Bill Clinton Touts Sex for Anxiety Relief

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Former President Bill Clinton is aggrieved that “I was persecuted for trying to ease my anxieties with sexual healing. Throughout history, powerful men have been allowed to consort with concubines or mistresses as a way to recharge after the stress of ruling a nation. Every Chinese emperor had a whole room full of compliant women. Henry VIII of England had mistresses all around the country. Yet, I was mercilessly hounded for my casual relationships aimed at achieving a similar relief.”

Clinton expressed a bit of remorse “that Monica Lewinsky’s life may have been ruined by the notoriety after our relationship was exposed, but that wasn’t my fault. It was the Republicans and the media that made it into an unnecessary scandal. They’re the ones that should be ashamed.”

One person who isn’t the least bit sympathetic toward Clinton’s “persecution” is Juanita Broaddrick—a woman who has accused him of raping her in 1978. “I guess the stress of being Arkansas Attorney General must have been so unbearable that he couldn’t make the effort to find a willing sexual partner,” she wryly commented. “The kind of privilege he thinks he is entitled to is the privilege of tyrants. We are supposed to be a nation where everyone is equal under the laws. Except for having to pay civil damages to one victim of his lewd advances—a penalty funded by other people’s money—he has escaped the just consequences of his predatory behavior. This set a horrible example that probably encouraged similar depredations by the likes of Jeffery Epstein and Harvey Weinstein—both of whom were Clinton cronies and donors before their crimes were exposed.”

In related news, Hillary Clinton claims, “I’m the most investigated innocent person in America. In 2016, as then FBI Director James Comey pointed out, there’s nothing illegal about a high government official keeping classified documents on her own personal devices. The fact that I deleted all these records and destroyed all the devices once I perceived a threat showed that I was taking appropriate measures. If it weren’t for Weiner’s sexting prompting Comey to make an October statement linking my name to that scandal I would be president today. So, clearly, I’ve been the biggest loser in the worst miscarriage of justice in our nation’s history.”

Dems Make Bizarre Remarks About Supreme Court Case

As the US Supreme Court was hearing arguments over a Louisiana law aimed at protecting the lives of babies who survive an abortion procedure, Sen. Charles Schumer (NY) was addressing a mob outside the courtroom. During his rant, he warned Justices Gorsuch and Kavanaugh that “you will pay the price. You won’t know what hit you if you go forward with these awful decisions.” Presumably, the “awful decision” would be to uphold the state law protecting abortion survivors.

After numerous criticisms from both Republicans and Democrats, Schumer attempted to justify what he said by characterizing it as “an expression of concern for the safety” of the two men. “It was only four years ago when a Supreme Court Justice died under mysterious circumstances. That Justice had issued numerous opinions of a similar offensive nature. I was trying to warn Gorsuch and Kavanaugh to not make the same kind of mistake on the case currently before the Court.”

The senator also pointed out that “we’re talking about only a very tiny minority of individuals who might benefit from this law. The vast majority of abortions go through without there being a survivor. I question the value of a law that would result in creating rights for this minority, especially when these rights explicitly contradict the wishes of the mothers of these undesired individuals. Shouldn’t the good of the greater number outweigh the purported right to life of the few?”

Meanwhile, two members of the left-wing “squad” in the House of Representatives also vehemently criticized the possibility the Court might uphold the Louisiana law. Rep. Ayanna Pressley (Mass) charged that “upholding this law will infringe on racial justice” because “it will disproportionately prevent Black women from aborting their unwanted children. Blacks make up only 13 percent of the population, but have 36 percent of the abortions. If this law is upheld how many more Blacks will be forced into the labor force by Trump’s policies when they could’ve been safely rescued from this fate by a timely termination?”

Rep. Rashida Tlaib (Mich) claimed that the Louisiana law “would do irreparable harm to my sex life. What man would want to have sex with me knowing that a potential offspring might not be successfully aborted?” Rep. Ilhan Omar Minn) alleged that the law is “only the latest in a long history of efforts to criminalize women for simply existing.” Which is ironic in that half of the children whose lives would be saved by this law are female. Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (NY) objected to the law because “it does nothing to protect the reproductive rights of non-binary people.”

Trump Okay with BLM Resignations

President Trump’s decision to move some of the offices of the Bureau of Land Management geographically closer to the land being managed, has led to more than a 50 percent attrition rate in the staff. Of the 187 personnel that would be required to relocate 87 have chosen to leave their jobs.

Steve Ellis, who retired from BLM’s top career-level post in 2018, denounced the relocation policy as “a brain drain. There is a lot of really solid expertise walking out the door.”

Trump, however, sees things differently. “We all know that the bureaucracy is bloated with excess personnel,” he said. “Yet Congress refuses to cut the fat out of the budget. By using my executive authority to relocate where federal employees shall discharge their official duties, the results in this small example show a path toward downsizing via a voluntary departure of those who’s addiction to the DC swamp outweighs their duty to work for the benefit of the American people.”

House Natural Resources Committee Chairman Raul Grijalva called Trump’s decision “another abuse of power. These federal employees have rights. One of those rights is to a secure employment that cannot be disturbed by a change in administrations. I will use my subpoena power to call in employees who have been harmed by this policy to determine if there are new grounds for impeaching the President arising from this action on his part.”

Biden Promises Cure for Alzheimer’s Disease

Offering himself as “a prime example of the importance of curing this horrible disease,” Democratic candidate for president, former Vice-President Joe Biden, vowed “to spend whatever it takes to find a cure.”

“Here’s the deal, the polls show that I will beat Trump in the November election,” he elaborated. “Admittedly, I have had instances of mental lapses that scare even me. Advisers have reassured me that I will have a staff that will stop me from doing anything crazy or stupid. But staffers aren’t elected. The American people deserve to know that their president will receive the best medical care possible. So, we have to have a blank-check approach to not only Alzheimer’s, but to cancer, diabetes and poverty. I think that is what voters want. And that is what I pledge to do if I’m elected.”

In other Biden news, the candidate pledged to “reappoint Nancy Pelosi as House Speaker if I win in November. If we’re going to get anything done it is essential that we play with a full deck. That includes not only the presidency, but also the legislature. If I’m going to have laws to sign, I need a Congress that will pass those laws. Nancy is the best person to ensure that the laws we want get passed. So, yes, I’m definitely going to keep her on my team when I’m president.”

Biden also rejected the endorsement of his candidacy by former FBI Director James Comey, calling him “a back-stabber. First he was for Hillary and buried an investigation of her email shenanigans, but late in the 2016 campaign he again raised the issue. He’s a rat that can’t be trusted. He’s lucky to still be alive.” Biden did, however, accept the endorsement of former CIA Director John Brennen who called Biden “one of the most honest, decent, practical, and experienced individuals with whom I have ever worked.”

Gabbard Qualifies for Next Democratic Debate

Since Rep. Tulsi Gabbard (Hawaii) won a delegate from Samoa on Super Tuesday, she now meets the current requirements laid out by the Democratic National Committee for candidates to be included in the next debate.

However, DNC communications director Xochitl Hinojosa announced Tuesday night that “we are upping the requirements going forward. The inclusion of Rep. Gabbard at this stage is not in the best interests of the Party. All the top people have determined that it is best that everyone get behind former Vice-President Joe Biden as our nominee. Allowing Gabbard back in at this late date is incompatible with that objective.”

“Ideally, we would also appreciate it if Sen. Sanders were to fall in line, as Warren, Klobuchar, Buttigieg, Steyer, and Bloomberg already have,” she added. “Since he has hundreds of delegates, though, we can’t plausibly concoct requirements that would deny him the opportunity to continue his campaign. We are just hoping that he will be sensible. He can throw a few bones to his supporters for the next couple of weeks, but sooner or later he has got to realize that his responsibility to the Party is greater than his desire to be president. I’m confident that an amenable deal to achieve unanimous backing for Biden can be had if the price is right.”

In related news, Bloomberg took issue with pundits’ conclusions that his failed bid for the presidency proves the office can’t be bought. “I realize that I can’t buy it for myself, but my success in buying the Virginia legislature for the Democrats in 2019 shows I can buy it for someone else,” he contended. “I was perceived as arrogant and selfish for spending hundreds of millions on my own campaign. However, I think I will be perceived more favorably as a benefactor of others in our Party’s quest to oust Trump from office.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Biden Touts His Ukraine Expertise

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Investigators in Ukraine have announced a probe of former U.S. Vice President Joe Biden. The issue is whether he illegally pressured the government to fire Prosecutor General Viktor Shokin in 2016.

Biden immediately insisted “damn right I got that guy fired. But it was completely legal. President Obama gave me the authority to do whatever it took to get the job done. I alone among those running for president have the experience and know-how for dealing with Ukraine.”

Biden compared his “get tough approach” with “Trump’s weak and ineffective ‘phone-call diplomacy.’ As we all saw from the transcript, all Trump could bring himself to do was ask Ukraine to do us a favor and investigate Crowd Strike. Ukraine totally ignored this request because there was no ‘stick’ behind it. Well, when I’m president I won’t hesitate to use the ‘carrot or the stick’–whichever seems necessary—to let the Ukrainese know who’s the boss. I may offer a billion dollars to drop their investigation or I may drone one or more of their leaders as my good friend Obama did when he was president.”

Times Sued by Trump

The Trump campaign has filed a lawsuit against the New York Times for a 2019 article that claimed Trump had a deal with Putin for Russian help against Hillary Clinton in the 2016 election. The suit cites a total lack of evidence or facts in the Times article and argues that the paper showed a “reckless disregard for the truth and malice toward the candidate.”

Spokesperson for the Times Gunar Bile belittled the suit, calling it “legally merit-less. The courts have granted the press blanket immunity against libel claims unless the plaintiff can prove malice. Malice is a subjective thing. What Trump sees as malice others see as dedication. Since the authors of the article in question truly believe that Trump is evil incarnate, any tactic used against this evil is warranted. While we may not have found any evidence to support what was written doesn’t matter. It is not illegal to lie about the devil. We are confident that the court understands our perspective and will dismiss this suit.”

Dems Refuse to Condemn Praise for Castro

In his quest to win votes for transforming America into a socialist country, Democratic presidential hopeful Sen. Bernie Sanders has been emphasizing the positive achievements of Cuba’s former long-time dictator Fidel Castro. Two of the positives that Sanders has cited during the debates have been literacy and health care. “Under Castro’s rule they implemented a highly motivating incentive to learn to read: if you didn’t you’d be forced to labor in the fields,” Sanders remembered. “Let’s give credit where credit is due. Seeing the problems we are having in this country, a policy of shipping non-learners off to labor battalions is an idea we might want to consider.”

Castro, of course, had his political opponents executed or imprisoned. His socialist policies impoverished the country inspiring hundreds of thousands to try to escape to the United states on leaky boats and home-made rafts. Health care was made a “human right,” but the care has been mostly of very low quality for the average citizen. The literacy program leaned heavily on teaching children to read communist propaganda.

Democrats in the US House of Representatives rejected a resolution introduced by Rep. Mario Diaz-Balart (R-Fla) condemning Castro’s tyranny. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) explained that “the resolution was too one-sided. We don’t like tyranny, but we need to acknowledge that even tyranny isn’t all bad. Reading propaganda is still reading and low-quality health care may be all that a poor country like Cuba can afford. Besides, the proportion of the Cuban population imprisoned is only one-half of a percent. That’s lower than the percent imprisoned in our so-called ‘free country.’”

In related news, Sanders’ popularity among millennials may be explained by a finding from a report published by the Global Financial Literacy Excellence Center at the George Washington University that only 16  percent of millennials are financially literate and of millennials who self-identified as financially literate only 19 percent are.

CNN Commentator Chastises Black Trump Supporters

With polls trending toward a more favorable view of President Trump among African-American voters, CNN’s Angela Rye expressed her dismay. “Shame on you,” she exclaimed. “Our people have been voting Democrat since FDR was president. Are you going to turn your back on this long-term bond?”

Rye called the record unemployment lows under Trump’s policies “crumbs. It might seem great to have a job or own a small business, but do you realize that these options force you to work to earn a living? Democrats are the ones that have abolished having to work for a living for millions of our people. Choosing between a generous friend who asks for nothing in return and an employer who offers you a job should be a ‘no brainer.’ Take the free stuff! Vote for the Party that will give it to you.”

Laticia Okombo, owner of a nail salon in Richmond, Virginia disagreed with Rye’s perspective. “What the Democrats offer is like a narcotic,” she said. “Getting something for nothing sounds good, but before you know it you’ve lost all your energy and ambition. I want to build my own future. The freedom bolstered by Trump’s deregulation and tax cuts will help me do this. He has my gratitude and will have my vote come November.”

Senate Dems Block Bill Against Infanticide

Democrats in the US Senate were able to exploit the cloture rule to prevent the “Born-Alive Abortion Survivors Protection Act” from coming to a vote. The bill introduced by Sen. Ben Sasse (R-Neb) would have required a health care practitioner to render medical assistance to a baby that survives an attempted abortion.

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) called the legislation “fake, dishonest, and extreme legislation. It would interfere with the final execution of a woman’s decision to terminate an unwanted child. Just because a doctor flubs the abortion procedure doesn’t mean the mother’s right to abort this child is null and void. A surviving baby outside the womb foists the responsibility of caring for it back onto an unwilling parent or onto society. As Democrats we cannot allow this infringement on basic human rights to be enacted into law.”

Buttigieg Explains Limits of Religious Freedom

Claiming to be the “only true Christian running for president this year,” Democratic candidate, former Mayor Pete Buttigieg explained why religious objections to the LGBTQ agenda “cannot be allowed.”

“The right to freedom of religion is a right to worship as you choose as long as what you choose to believe does not contradict the public policy guaranteeing that lesbians,’ gays,’ bisexuals,’ transsexuals,’ and queers’ rights to be accepted as they are,” Buttigieg said. “In the privacy of your own mind you can harbor whatever thoughts you want, but in public you must obey the laws enacted by our courts on this very sensitive topic. For example, let’s say you run a business and one of your employees comes out as trans. That employee has the right to dress however they see fit. You have the obligation to use whatever pronoun that employee wants used. You cannot refuse because it offends your conscience or religious beliefs. You cannot refuse on the grounds that it may offend customers and hurt your business. Your business, your conscience are not important enough to outweigh the civic rights government has extended to these courageous individuals.”

“Look, if we’re willing to compel people to fund abortions with their tax dollars even though they believe abortion is murder, I think compelling people to accept sexual behavior they consider deviant is a ‘no brainer,’” the Mayor argued. “Like Chasten often playfully says to me, ‘I think it’s time to turn the other cheek’ on this topic. These wise words from my adorable husband are ones we all can benefit from.”

Judge Refuses to Recuse

Amy Berman-Jackson, the judge who presided over the trial of President Trump’s friend Roger Stone, rejected his lawyers’ request that she recuse herself from deciding whether Stone is entitled to a new trial. Since Stone was convicted it has been discovered that Tomeka Hart, the jury foreman at the trial, was a prolific anti-Trump tweeter and poster prior to being selected as a juror.

Seth Ginsberg, an attorney for Stone, argued that “such a biased person should not have been allowed on the jury. It is the prospective juror’s duty to reveal any prejudices she might have toward the defendant before she is impaneled. It is also the judge’s duty to ferret out any biases among those selected to be on the jury. Neither Ms. Hart nor Judge Jackson performed their legal obligations. Mr. Stone deserves a new trial before an impartial jury and judge. Rather than take the appropriate action to achieve a fair trial, Judge Jackson seems intent to further perpetuate the injustice already inflicted on our client.”

Jackson rebutted Ginsberg’s contention with her own assertion that “a random group of 12 jurors is bound to include some who are antagonistic to the President. It would be neither practical nor fair to try for a jury of individuals uninformed or indifferent to Trump. Likewise, the majority of judges are also opposed to Trump’s politics. As a member of that majority, it is fitting that I see this judicial proceeding to the end.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Bloomberg Calls Current Election Rules ‘Inefficient’

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Democratic presidential contender and former New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg lamented that “the $400 million I’ve had to spend on my campaign shows how inefficient the process is. Not only am I out a huge chunk of change, but TV viewers across America are having their homes flooded with my ads. There has to be a better way.”

What a better way might look like, according to Bloomberg, is “like we do it in the business world. When a man with resources sees a company being run ineffectively he buys the owners out. Both sides benefit. The incompetent owners get paid and a better management is installed. Look, the other candidates running for the Democratic presidential nomination have no realistic hope of winning. The sensible option for them would be to agree to drop out in exchange for a generous payment from me. Today, I’m announcing that whoever drops out first will be gifted—so it’s tax-free–$20 million in cash. Whoever drops out second will get $19 million and so on until the field is cleared of dead wood.”

The already-dropped-out Andrew Yang was the first to accept Bloomberg’s offer, saying “think of how many families I can give $1,000 a month to with this gift.” However, Bloomberg quickly pointed out “you already dropped out for free. Only those still in the race, like that fat broad from Minnesota, the preachy Pete, and malarkey Joe are eligible.”

The former Mayor acknowledged “there may be a lot of caterwauling from the attention hounds and their media running dogs, but I think the common people will appreciate my approach. Rather than being tasked with a decision they aren’t qualified to make, they will enjoy the kind of improved product or service that occurs in the corporate world when bad leadership is replaced by superior leadership via the buy-out method.”

In related news, Marquette University political science professor Julia Azari called for “allowing elites to have a bigger say in how we choose who governs us. If the 2016 election proved anything it was that letting people’s votes decide who becomes president is too risky. That’s what gave us Trump. The better model was the ‘super delegate’ system used by the Democrats to ensure that the most qualified person got their Party’s nomination. I think what we should do now is replicate that approach for the general election. Let people cast votes to generate a list of potential presidents. Then have those with the most relevant experience—government employees—have the final say on who becomes their next boss.”

Cal Gov Proposes “Prescriptions for Houses”

Gov. Gavin Newsom (D-Calif) is proposing to solve the homeless problem in his state by authorizing doctors to prescribe housing. “Having a comfortable and safe place to live is just as important to a person’s health as insulin or antibiotics,” he asserted. “Armed with a prescription from a doctor, a homeless person could then draw upon Medicaid resources to either buy a home or pay rent.”

Newsom called his idea “pure genius. Right now, there is no legal mandate for guaranteeing housing for the homeless. Ten million Californians, one in four, suffer from some type of behavioral health condition. This includes virtually all of the homeless. By authorizing doctors to prescribe housing for these unfortunates, we turn it into a human right. This will sweep aside all legitimate objections to spending whatever it takes to see that everyone has a home by simply saying ‘doctors’ orders’ to all those who oppose this desperately needed action.”

In other California news, Assembly members Lorena Gonzalez (D–San Diego) and Christina Garcia (D–Bell Gardens) introduced a bill that would require adult entertainers to obtain a business license and complete a state-mandated training course before being allowed to ply their trade. Gonzalez explained that “pornography is the fastest growing form of entertainment in America. It is time for the government to step in to ensure that the quality of this entertainment doesn’t get diluted by poorly trained performers. The regulations implemented by our bill will prevent this from happening.”

Sanders Defends His “Better off 45 Years Ago” Claim

Though a record high 90 percent of Americans say they are satisfied with their lives, Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Bernie Sanders (Vt) claimed during the Nevada debate that “workers are not.” When all compensation is considered—including wages and benefits—the returns on work are about 45% higher than they were in the 1970s. Back then, more than 40% of a family’s income was spent on food and clothing. Today, less than 20% is spent on these items. Life-expectancy has also increased by 6 years, occupational fatalities declined from 14,000 per year to 5,000, and child mortality rates have declined by 70%–all pretty good measures of improved well-being.

Sanders himself seems to be much better off than he was 45 years ago. Despite never having held a serious job, he is a millionaire, owns a $1.2 million home in Vermont, a $575,000 house on the shore of Lake Champlain, and a townhouse in Washington, DC worth an estimated $560,000. Considering he was kicked out of a commune in 1971 for being lazy, he’s done remarkably well for himself since then.

The Senator challenged the assumption that mere financial gains or longer life-expectancy “is an adequate measure. Forty-five years ago there was still a Soviet Union. The existence of this workers’ paradise served as a beacon of hope for humanity. Its collapse in the 1990s extinguished that beacon. Not only am I the only presidential candidate to publicly recognize that, I am the only one who can credibly promise to transform this country into a new beacon of hope for the grand vision of a communist future for the world.”

Elsewhere on the Sanders campaign trail, the Senator exploded with rage at NBC and MSNBC executives for their “unfairly negative coverage” and warned that “when I’m president, news casts will tell the truth or face the consequences. The people have the right not to be told lies. I will enforce that right by prosecuting the liars and shutting down dishonest TV stations like yours.”

Trump Appeals to “Debased People”

Political, legal and ethics expert, former CIA Director John Brennan declared that “President Trump has the backing of a very debased group of people.” His evidence, such as it is, was Trump’s public criticism of the dual legal standards being applied to liars.

“For Trump to imply that the same laws should apply to sainted public servants like James Comey and low-lifes like Roger Stone is outrageous,” Brennan said. “What people forget is that law enforcers like Comey are explicitly granted the right to lie if, in their opinion, it is necessary to entrap bad actors. The universal consensus of those of us serving President Obama was that Trump is definitely a bad actor. Consequently, anything Comey, McCabe, Strzok, and others chose to do to protect the nation from him was, and still is, permissible.”

”Stone, on the other hand, is just a private citizen and has no right to obstruct law enforcement officers by lying to them,” Brennan asserted. “He needs to go to prison for as long a term as possible to serve as an example to others who might be tempted to interfere with what we in government are trying to do to impose order on society. Trump’s objection to this is further proof of his guilt in the so far successful effort to seize power by defeating the far more deserving and competent Hillary Clinton in 2016.”

In related news, Obama’s Attorney General Eric Holder castigated investigative reporter Paul Sperry for exposing the possible biases of Molly Gaston, the DOJ attorney who declined to prosecute Andrew McCabe for leaking and lying. “Criticizing government for reaching different decisions about which lawbreakers to prosecute and which to let go as Sperry has done is an abuse of freedom of the press,” Holder contended. “In such instances, reporters have the right to remain silent and should exercise this right by shutting the Hell up.”

Dem Not Impressed by Record Low Black Unemployment

House Majority Whip James Clyburn (D-SC) dismissed the record-low black unemployment under President Donald Trump, calling it “unimpressive. Since when is forcing an increasing percentage of African-Americans to support themselves by taking jobs an improvement in their condition? The whole point of President Johnson’s Great Society initiative was to spare as many as could be spared from the drudgery of working. Let’s not forget that under slavery African-Americans were fully employed. I just can’t see Trump’s move toward recreating that situation as a good thing.”

Bill Will Force Home-Schoolers to Use State Lessons

Mississippi state Rep. John Hines Sr. (D-Greenville) has introduced legislation that would compel parents who home-school their children to use the same state-approved lessons that public schools use to teach History and American Government.

Hines claims that “home-schoolers have too much freedom to teach their own children. The result is that these children are being denied their appropriate place among the collective body of students. They will have non-conforming opinions and beliefs that will increase the chance they will become social and political misfits. My bill will save these unfortunate children from that fate by either forcing their parents to replicate the teaching done in the public schools or convincing them that they may as well send their children to the public school where they will be properly instructed on what to think.”

Mississippi Center for Public Policy (MCPP) communications director Brett Kittredge opposes the bill, calling it “an infringement on parental rights. It is our position that parents have the strongest motives for wanting to do what’s best for their own children. Those that choose to home-school take on the considerable burden of educating their children. Their reasons for doing this stem from dissatisfaction with how the public schools will educate their children. Forcing them to replicate what goes on in the public schools does nothing to overcome the deficiencies that led to the decision to home-school. Considering the widely known failures of public schools there is no mandate for the coercion this bill envisions.”

“The very fact that there is opposition to my bill shows why it is needed,” Hines argued. “We need to cultivate a common set of values and beliefs among our children. The easiest way to achieve this is for all to be taught the same material in the same way. This will lessen disagreements and produce more harmony. Allowing home-schooling was a mistake. Ideally, all children should go to the same schools where they can learn the same lessons. We can at least mitigate the damage done by home-schooling if we control what parents are allowed to teach.”

Meanwhile in neighboring Alabama, Rep. Rolanda Hollis (D) has introduced legislation that mandates involuntary sterilization of men who have either reached the age of 50 or have already fathered three or more children. Hollis calls her bill “a sensible step toward reducing the need to abort so many children. Personally, I’d favor castration as the best way for ensuring that a man could not cause an unwanted pregnancy, but my bill mercifully allows the targeted men to opt for vasectomies.”

Biden May Rule Out Second Term

Former Vice-President Joe Biden promised not to run for a second term “if I’m demented when the time comes to begin campaigning.” His statement meant to reassure voters reminded many of his seeming dementia on current campaign stops. Rival presidential contender former South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg pointed out that “forgetting where you are and angry outbursts are classic signs of dementia. If he wants to keep his promise not to inflict the country with a mentally challenged president he should drop out of the 2020 race.”

Meanwhile, in a bid to shore up his appeal to black voters, Biden told a small gathering at a South Carolina “Five-and-Diner” that he and America’s UN Ambassador Andrew Young were arrested and tortured by South African police when they tried to visit Nelson Mandela in the late 1970s. “I knew the risks going in, but I was determined to pay tribute to this great African leader,” Biden recalled. Ambassador Young acknowledged going to South Africa with Biden around that time, but denied that either of them was arrested or tortured.

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Rift Between Sanders & AOC

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Democratic presidential contender Sen. Bernie Sanders’ campaign manager Faiz Shakir is reportedly peeved over Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s neglect to sufficiently mention Sanders’ name as she was campaigning on his behalf while he was tied up at Trump’s impeachment trial in the Senate.

Ocasio-Cortez brushed aside Shakir’s complaints, saying “revolution is not about egotistic self-aggrandizement. It’s about being right on the issues. Socialism is for the masses. Individuals don’t matter. The collective does.”

“In terms of ideology, she is, of course, correct,” Shakir said. “However, we need to have voters select the name of the person they want to be their president. It is not enough to recapitulate our grievances against capitalism. Repeating the candidate’s name on the campaign trail is essential to informing voters who will carry out the socialist program. In this regard AOC fell short.”

US Oil Production Undermines OPEC

Last year, oil production on federally owned land topped one billion barrels. This is up by 29 percent over the peak quantity produced during any year of the Obama Administration. Acting Assistant Secretary of the Interior Casey Hammond credited President Trump for the increase, saying that “opening up land that President Obama had put off limits has led to the United States becoming the world’s foremost energy supplier. This has lowered prices, boosted our economy and weakened the oil cartel.”

Former Vice-President Joe Biden pounced on this accomplishment, calling it “a wrong turn. We need to wean ourselves off of fossil fuels. President Obama understood that in order to do this prices had to be high enough to deter people from consuming energy. The economic boom unleashed by Trump’s policies on energy, taxes, and regulations have derailed the fundamental transformation Obama had in mind—less energy consumption, slower economic growth, and more modest standards of living for Americans.”

“Trump has foolishly flaunted his America first agenda,” Biden added. “This antagonizes other nations who were looking forward to the greater equality that President Obama had promised them. That’s why we need a president like me to replace him. I am the guy who can take this country down a peg or two, reassure the rest of the world that we’re just an average run-of-the-mill country so they have nothing to fear from us, and, thereby, promote more lasting peace.”

In related news, Biden vowed “to put a stop to the extreme loss of ice in Antarctica by issuing an emergency Executive Order to begin immediate shipments of some of those giant fans like they have near Palm Springs to cool the place down. I will also authorize immediate entry into the United States for any Antarcticans whose igloos are destroyed by the melting ice.”

Buttigieg & Klobuchar Spar Over Pro-Lifers

Surging Democratic presidential candidates former South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg and Sen. Amy Klobuchar (Minn) staked out different positions concerning whether individuals opposed to abortion could be good Democrats.

Buttigieg asserted that “the Bible tells us that life begins with breath. As long as the baby can be prevented from breathing no transgression occurs from aborting its birth. The platform of the Democratic Party conforms to this Biblical guideline by favoring the right of every woman to have an abortion if she wants one. A person who opposes this very fundamental human right isn’t really a Democrat. Allowing such a person inside the Party makes about as much sense as allowing an Independent to run for our Party’s presidential nomination.”

Klobuchar disagreed, saying “I believe we are a ‘big tent’ Party. Of course our policy will always be 100 percent supportive toward a woman’s right to an abortion. However, I see no reason why pro-life individuals should be barred as long as they don’t publicly oppose the party’s stance. Winning elections requires effort. Every dollar, every phone call, every door-to-door visit helps. It would be foolish for us to refuse to take their donations of time and money. If they provide this help their person opinions don’t matter.”

Meanwhile, former Vice-President Joe Biden inadvertently endorsed Pete Buttigieg for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination, saying “this guy has honor, he has courage, he’s smart as hell, clean and a good looking guy.” These words were reminiscent of those he used to endorse Barack Obama after his own bid for the Democratic presidential nomination failed in 2008. Reminded of this, Biden pointed out that “being VP isn’t a bad gig. Not too much is expected of you. You get to travel to exotic places, make new friends, and pursue business opportunities that aren’t available to average schmos. Heck, I’d re-up for that as Pete’s number two guy.”

DNC Bends Rules for Bloomberg

Even though the late-entry Democratic presidential candidate, former New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg, doesn’t meet the party’s donor criteria for participating in the debates, Democratic National Committee chairman Tom Perez has decided to waive the requirements “for now.”

“I know that some will say that changing the rules at this late date is unfair to other candidates who have met all criteria and to other candidates who have been excluded for not meeting the criteria,” Perez admitted. “In my defense I ask Party members to just look at the sorry field of candidates we have left. We’ve got a communist leading the pack, a callow small-town mayor in second place, an addlepated former vice-president, a forked-tongued Indian impersonator, and a senator nobody’s ever heard of. As the head of the DNC I can’t sit by and allow the Party to go down in flames if one of these weak reeds tries to go head-to-head with Trump.”

“Let’s face it, the ‘grassroots’ ploy hasn’t produced a credible array of potential presidents,” Perez continued. “Mayor Bloomberg has money. In politics money talks. More specifically, Bloomberg’s money was crucial in helping the Party buy controlling interest in the Virginia legislature in the 2018 elections. He’s said he will spend whatever it takes of his multibillion dollar fortune to defeat Trump. That sounds like a more viable strategy than limping along with tiny donations from millions of ordinary people.”

According to the new debate rules, Bloomberg will be allowed to participate via pre-recorded campaign ads that will be played whenever a debate moderator calls on the candidate to respond to a question. Perez explained that “Michael told me that the amount of money he has to spend far outdistances the amount of time he is willing to spend on this campaign. He assures me that he will check in on the debates from his home in Bermuda if he is not too busy when they air.”

Warren Boasts About Taking Half a Bank Account

This week, fading presidential aspirant Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) boasted of receiving half of a low-income supporter’s total wealth to carry on her fight for the nomination. The “half” consisted of $3 out of a net worth of $6.

To many it seemed a callous act to take so much from someone who had so little. Warren didn’t see it that way. “In a way, it’s like buying a lottery ticket,” she contended. “If I’m elected I’m going to cancel her college debt. That’s thousands of dollars in return for her $3 donation.”

“It’s also a model for the kind of social justice system I’m trying to bring to our country,” she added. “In a just society everyone gives whatever they have to the collective. In return, the collective gives each person what she or he needs. All the anxiety and fretting over what is and isn’t affordable will be erased. If the government deems you need something and are worthy of having it, it will be given to you. Likewise, if your skills and efforts are needed to accomplish a goal the government is trying to fulfill, you will be assigned to accomplish this goal. No one will have to look for work. Work will be assigned based on ability. Alienation and loneliness will be abolished. All of humanity will toil for the common good.”

Nadler Warns Barr

This week House Judiciary Chairman Jerrold Nadler (D-NY) sent a letter to Attorney General William Barr warning him “to not go too far with this whole Ukrainian thing” and “to stop listening to Giuliani.”

President Donald Trump’s lawyer Rudy Giuliani claims to have witnesses and evidence implicating the Obama White House in a covert attempt to use US government resources in an illegal operation to undermine the 2016 Trump campaign. “The great irony of the whole ‘Russian collusion’ accusation against Donald Trump is that it was President Obama, the FBI, and CIA that were colluding against Trump,” Guiliani said. “That’s the truth and the American people deserve to hear it.”

Thus far, Barr doesn’t seem to be moved by Nadler’s entreaties. “Sure, I’ll look at the information Giuliani has turned over to the DOJ. I’ll look at whatever evidence anyone turns over. Whether any of it will lead to any prosecutions or indictments can’t be determined until I thoroughly examine it.”

Unsettled by Barr’s response, Nadler pointed out that “this thing is bigger than whether the Bidens engaged in any untoward actions. A lot of important people are concerned about where this is headed. This includes former Secretary of State John Kerry, Sen. Mitt Romney, Bill and Hillary Clinton, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and billionaire activist George Soros. I’m not sure Barr appreciates the potential consequences of carrying this investigation any further. Remember what happened to Jeffrey Epstein.”

Competing Climate Change Approaches

Two radically different approaches for how to mitigate the potential negative impacts of climate change have been advanced recently. On the left we have The Ahuman Manifesto—a tract authored by Patricia MacCormack, a professor of continental philosophy at Anglia Ruskin University in the United Kingdom. The Professor argues for human extinction as the best solution to the perils of climate change.

“My interest in feminism and queer theory led me by a process of logical deduction to the conclusion that the human race must be exterminated in order to save the planet for other species,” she said. “Humankind is currently enslaved by capitalism. Killing people frees them from this slavery. Hitler, Stalin, and Mao were on the right track. By murdering millions they bravely paved the way for my theory to evolve. Many people are surprised by my book’s joyful and radical compassion for living creatures.”

On the right, we have Republicans in the House of Representatives introducing legislation giving tax-incentives for planting trees. Rep. Garret Graves (LA) called this legislation “a fact-based, realistic approach. Instead of wrecking our economy and generating more poverty and suffering by penalizing energy production, why not offset carbon emissions by feeding them to trees? Trees absorb CO2 and turn it into wood. This wood can be used to build housing, furniture, and other long-lasting implements that are beautiful and useful. In the process we also get more forests.”

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) harshly criticized the bill, saying “it does nothing about the most severe threat to the climate: Donald Trump. Rather than directly face this threat, Republicans are trying to push painless solutions to averting climate catastrophe. I say, ‘no pain, no gain.’ People must be taught a lesson. In this regard, I think Professor MacCormack’s approach is closer to what I believe the ultimate answer to climate change will have to be.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Employment Growth Rankles Sanders

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

The latest employment report for the US economy has Democratic presidential contender Sen. Bernie Sanders (Vt) warning voters about “Trump’s insidious plan to coerce the working class into actually working for a living. The leisure gains painstakingly accumulated over decades of government’s expansion of welfare benefits are being cast aside for a reactionary return to wage-slavery.”

Among the statistics assailed by Sanders were substantial “increases in labor force participation rates to highs not seen in decades, the disproportionate shift of the burden of production toward minorities, and the pitifully small boost in wages. These are not sufficient replacements for the staggering loss of welfare benefits being received by the poorest among us. The Bureau of Labor Statistics is reporting that Black unemployment is now at its lowest point and wages at their highest point since we’ve been keeping track. Lifestyles that provided secure standards of living without forcing people to enter the rat race of the commercial marketplace are being swept away.”

The Candidate vowed to “reverse this ominous trend when I become president. Instead of pushing people into the job of feeding the golden goose, my administration will use the power of government to seize the goose and serve it to the people as reparations for the centuries of capitalistic exploitation that have enslaved the masses.”

Defections Plague Warren Campaign

This week, a half-dozen “women of color” defected from Sen. Elizabeth Warren’s effort to win Democratic presidential delegates in Nevada. Megan Lewis, a field organizer blamed “a toxic culture that marginalized me as a woman of color. None of my suggestions were ever acted upon. I felt I was only on-board to give the appearance that the Candidate cared about my issues or me as a person.”

In response, Warren cited “America’s long history of racism and sexism” for the dust-up. “As a Native American woman, I, too, had to face racism and sexism on my path to eminence at Harvard and the US Senate. My mistake was in assuming that lesser people could persevere as I had. I was wrong. For this I hold Trump and every white male who has not supported my campaign personally responsible.”

Kristen Orthman, Warren’s campaign spokesperson, lamented “the actions of these campaign staffers. In a campaign there is only one chief and many ‘Indians.’ Each of these ‘Indians’ has an assigned role. For some, just being a visible member of a desirable demographic is their key function. Decisions on strategies, tactics, and how we communicate to voters are made at a higher level. Anyway, I think we shouldn’t blow this out of proportion. We have more than a thousand people in our organization. These six malcontents represent less than one-percent of our troops fighting for the social justice the Senator will bring to this country as president.”

Buttigieg Threatens Senators

Bolstered by news that he was the choice of 26 percent of Iowa Democrats in this week’s presidential nomination caucus, former South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg struck a “no tolerance for congressional defiance” stance and vowed to “land Air Force One in the backyard of anyone of them who opposes my policies” during an interview with CNN’s Chris Cuomo.

Oddly, the Mayor characterized his approach as “the very essence of what democracy is all about. The President is the elected leader of all of America. Senators and Representatives are elected by much smaller constituencies. We cannot allow these smaller constituencies to block the will of the majority who elected me.”

“Couldn’t President Trump have made a similar claim?” Cuomo asked. “He was elected to represent the entire nation, yet Congress, or at least the Democrats in Congress, have worked diligently against his policies and even impeached him. Why would you expect Congress not to oppose you?”

“Well, Trump was not really the people’s choice,” Buttigieg replied. “Early on, key members of the FBI realized that and took steps to try to prevent him from being president. Sadly, this effort, so far, has failed. The same wouldn’t be true in my case. I come to restore democracy to our country, not to undermine it like Trump has.”

Senator Denounced for Naming “Whistleblower”

Obama’s CIA Director John Brennan denounced Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ken) for naming Eric Ciaramella as the person behind the Democrats impeachment case against President Trump. “This man is beneath contempt,” Brennan asserted. “The effective wielding of power by government relies upon access to secret informers who must be able to make allegations without fear of contradiction or public disclosure of their identities. The supposed right to confront one’s accuser may be affordable when the issues are not so weighty. But the state must not be boxed in by this quaint artifact from the Bill of Rights. Too much is at stake for government’s hands to be tied so tightly.”

Paul responded saying “I categorically reject Mr. Brennan’s concept of how a government ought to be run. It was in response to tyrannical government practices entailing secret trials, anonymous witnesses, torture, and punishment without trials that led our Founding Fathers to include restrictions on such abuses in our Bill of Rights. Accusations can’t be fairly adjudicated if accusers are kept anonymous and testimony kept secret like Rep. Schiff did in the House’s impeachment hearings. No witnesses for the accused were permitted. And the primary accuser—the so-called whistleblower—was never allowed to be cross-examined.”

Brennan was not impressed by Paul’s critcism and suggested that “he is the kind of person that would have been a candidate for a drone strike when President Obama ruled. In fact, I think if we had been able to isolate him outside the country somewhere in the Middle East we’d have probably taken the opportunity to dispose of him and neutralize his threat to national security.”

“Green Light” Law Costs New Yorkers Travel Privileges

New York’s so-called “Green Light” law authorizing persons in the US illegally to obtain drivers’ licenses has led the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) to revoke expedited travel privileges for anyone using these licenses as identification for air travel.

Ken Cuccinelli, acting deputy secretary of DHS explained that “the state’s efforts to grant sanctuary to illegal immigrants by blocking us from verifying the license holder’s identity prevents us from protecting air travelers from potential terrorist attacks carried out by persons having this document. Our only safe option is to deny all New York licensees access to sped up security screening at ports of entry.”

Gov. Andrew Cuomo called the DHS action “unfair and discriminatory. Under the Tenth Amendment to the US Constitution it is our state’s right to license anyone we choose. We choose to extend the right to drive to everyone living in our state without regard to whether they may have broken some federal law to get into the United States. DHS is retaliating against our state for political reasons. I will be contacting House Judiciary Chairman Jerry Nadler (D-NY) to see about conducting an investigation of this latest abuse of power by Trump.”

Cuccinelli called the Governor’s complaint “unreasonable” and his argument “insane. New York has also banished requiring bail be posted for suspects accused of violent crimes. Instead, they are released back onto the streets, where they are free to commit additional crimes or escape the jurisdiction. Public safety is the most vital obligation of government. Cuomo may be willing to sacrifice this obligation in order to curry political favor from certain constituencies, but we are not. We wish New York would vet seekers of its driving licenses. However, until they do we will not be permitting the unvetted holders of these licenses to endanger properly vetted air travelers.”

Pelosi Throws Tantrum Over SOTU Speech

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) characterized President Trump’s State-of-the-Union speech as “a manifesto of lies and misrepresentations” and tore it to shreds as most of the audience loudly applauded his remarks.

Her first complaint alleged that “he refused to shake my hand. That’s how demeaning he is to those he disagrees with.” As it so happens, Trump didn’t shake hands with Vice-President Mike Pence either before he stood at the podium to speak.

Pelosi also found fault with Trump’s invited guests. “Who is he to presume to honor the last surviving Tuskegee airman?” she demanded to know. “The Tuskegee airmen were all black men. Black votes are the property of the Democratic Party and have been since the Roosevelt Administration. Trump only invited this old black man to try to steal black votes away from us.”

“And the insufferable surviving family members a couple of individuals—one killed by a terrorist and another by an undocumented immigrant—these aren’t important people,” she insisted. “They just served as props for Trump’s animus toward foreigners. Only a tiny percentage of Americans are killed by foreigners. Even if every one of these victims had been spared by a more vigorous effort against these types of crimes it would not be statistically significant.”

“Neither can I see the point in celebrating the survival of a baby born prematurely,” Pelosi observed. “She is one person who lived. Far more of a similar age in the womb are aborted each year. To use this now healthy and happy young child as evidence for why restricting abortions would be a good policy is hitting below the belt.”

“In sum, it was a totally shameful performance designed to convince the American people that things are going well,” she concluded. “Clearly, they are not going well. An obviously guilty abuser of power was acquitted by the Senate. This miscarriage of justice will have repercussions that will haunt our nation for generations to come.”

Bloomberg Defends Misleading Campaign Ad

An ad containing film footage showing children in cages and blaming President Trump’s border enforcement policies was actually recorded during the Obama Administration. Aspiring Democratic presidential contender former New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg defended the ad, calling it “a white lie in service to a greater cause.”

“While the images are from the previous administration, they support the widely held belief among Democrats that Trump is the real villain of the immigration crisis,” Bloomberg argued. “I believe efforts to restrict entry into the United States are wrong. We need low-wage workers to do the menial jobs Americans don’t want to do and to cast the votes needed to elect Democrats to office. These vital objectives outweigh any obligation to tell the absolute truth. History has shown that even the baldest lie, if repeated often enough, will eventual become the accepted reality. I’m glad that I have the financial resources to implement this historically proven political strategy.”

Romney Explains Impeachment Vote

As the sole Republican vote for convicting President Trump in his impeachment trial in the Senate, Mitt Romney (R-Ut) cited his “conscience” as the basis for siding with Democrats who have been eager to oust Trump since the day he was elected.

“Many in my own Party tried to convince me that there had to be evidence of a crime before a president should be removed from office,” the Senator said. “But my belief in God tells me that, if in my heart I’m convinced he is guilty, I must vote to take him out.”

“The parade of government officials that Rep. Schiff presented, who sincerely believed that Trump’s policies toward Ukraine were wrong was very persuasive,” Romney maintained. “Who, after all, is better positioned to determine our policy toward Ukraine? The career professionals who have been running this policy from long before Trump ever imagined he might become president? Or an outsider who spent his life owning and operating hotels until he unexpectedly was elected president? Based on the plaudits I’ve received from so many since my courageous vote, my conscience tells me I made the right choice.”

Sen. Richard Blumenthal (D-Conn) said “Senator Romney’s historic vote brought tears of joy to my eyes. Given the lackluster roster of candidates for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination, I think our Party could do a lot worse than to try to snag this man of valor to run on our ticket. I think if we were to look closely at his political history we’d see that his views on government aren’t so different from ours. He did champion an Obamacare-style of health insurance in Massachusetts when he was governor there. Paired with a reliable Democrat like Secretary Clinton, I think he could bring a lot of Republicans over to our side in November.”

Romney thanked Blumenthal for “your kind words” and expressed interest in being on a fusion ticket with Clinton, “but only as the vice-president nominee. I fear that being elected president with Mrs. Clinton as my VP might endanger my life.”

Biden Denounces Limbaugh Medal of Freedom Award

Democratic presidential candidate, former Vice-President Joe Biden denounced President Trump for awarding the Medal of Freedom to talk radio legend Rush Limbaugh, calling it “a travesty and stain on American history. I don’t think he understands the American code of decency and honor.”

“President Obama awarded me with this medal in 2017,” Biden remembered. “Compared to me, what has Limbaugh done to advance the cause of freedom? For more than 30 years he has been loudly on the wrong side of every social, political, and economic issue. He believes that people ought to work to support themselves, that babies shouldn’t be aborted, that the right to bear arms shouldn’t be infringed, that freedom of speech shouldn’t be limited. I mean, every stand he has taken has been debunked by fact-checkers across the media. Why does he deserve a medal?”

“In contrast, I have made my fortune in service to the public sector,” the former Veep boasted. “I started with nothing and after more than 40 years in government I was not only able to enrich myself, but I gave a hand up to everyone in my family—my brothers, my children. Limbaugh doesn’t even have any children. He’s not a hard-body like me. He’s doughy and unattractive. I could easily best him at push-ups or beat the snot out of him in a fist fight. He and I aren’t in the same league. Awarding him the Medal of Freedom taints those of us who truly earned ours.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Sanders Says Capitalism Destroys Social Bonds

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Candidate for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination Sen. Bernie Sanders (Vt) took direct aim at the prosperity message of the Trump reelection campaign in his bid to become the nation’s next leader. “Wages may be up and unemployment at record lows, but the Trump economy lacks the social cohesion needed for a true human society,” he asserted. “Before capitalism supplanted feudalism there were solid social bonds between lords and serfs. Neither class could renege on its social responsibility to the other. Now employers can simply dismiss employees if they are redundant or unproductive and employees are free to seek other jobs just to get higher pay. This needs to stop.”

Sanders went on to propose a plan that would require government approval for businesses to discharge employees or for employees to leave their posts without good cause. “Society invests a lot of social and economic capital in the ways we do business,” Sanders pointed out. “This includes things like public schools and public infrastructure. We cannot allow this investment to be squandered due to personal greed. Under socialism it is government’s responsibility to ensure that this doesn’t happen.”

The candidate said he would “expect all parties to cooperate in the transition to socialism. I will be patient, but only up to a point. If resisters obstruct change, assets will be seized and non-co-operators can be sent for reeducation. Greed will be exterminated and need will replace it as the factor allocating resources and rewards. We will finally achieve the utopia promised by Karl Marx where all toil for the common good.”

In related news, rival contender for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination, former Vice-President Joe Biden also criticized the Trump prosperity. “During the Obama era, young men like my son were able to make millions of dollars,” he said. “Under Trump’s policies, young men are being forced to work for much smaller gains. I just don’t buy the argument that millions making small gains outweighs the opportunity to strike it rich without having to put in such long and hard work. I think most voters will agree with me on this.”

Test Shows Dems Dumber than Average

While the guests and host on CNN’s Don Lemon program got some good laughs among themselves pretending that Trump supporters are ignoramuses, the General Social Survey (GSS)—a test of verbal ability and science knowledge contradicts their premise.

Most interesting in the latest edition of the GSS was the finding that less than half (49.6 percent) of the Democrats participating in the test were able to select the correct answer regarding whether the sun orbits the Earth or vice versa and whether it takes a day, month, or year to complete one orbit. The average correct response rate for all test participants was higher than for Democrats alone, but still a dismal 57.1 percent.

Democratic National Committee Chairman Tom Perez called the comparison “unfair and racist. The Democratic Party is home to a large percentage of African-Americans and Hispanics who have been under-educated in our public school systems. It’s not fair to compare their knowledge vs. whites who are naturally more attentive and well-behaved in school. Besides, is knowledge about whether to Earth orbits the sun or not an important factor in deciding who to vote for in an election?”

In related news, Perez accused Trump of “poaching voters. For decades the Democratic Party has depended on the votes of minorities to win elections. Now polls are showing that Trump has a 42 percent favorability rating among blacks. And an alarmingly large portion of the black vote may go to Trump in 2020. His programs promoting increased economic prosperity among African-Americans unfairly invades our Party’s territory. We are going to ask the FCC and FEC to bar any broadcast appeals from the Trump campaign targeting the minority vote.”

Moscow Irked Over Zelensky’s WWII Comments

Russian President Vladimir Putin’s spokesman Dmitry Peskov expressed his displeasure with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky’s true observation that “it was the Molotov-Ribbentrop Pact of 1939 that led to the start of World War II. A secret clause of this pact allowed Nazi Germany and the Soviet Union to jointly invade and dismember Poland.”

Peskov adamantly disagreed, saying that “we do not accept this statement. We consider it erroneous and offensive. As President Putin pointed out last month, it was collusion between Poland and Hitler that led to the Nazis invading Poland in September 1939. It was only later in the month when Russian troops moved in to protect the eastern half of Poland from being overrun by Germans and gave us the opportunity to execute the 10,000 Polish Army officers who opposed the gift of communism Stalin wished to bestow upon them.”

Sergei Naryshkin, head of Russia’s foreign intelligence service, also complained that “Zelensky is getting increasingly drawn towards ideas of Ukrainian nationalism and independence that are out-of-line with the international socialist movement. We may have to seize more than just the Crimea to stem this reactionary trend.”

CNN Mocks Trump’s Virus Task Force

This week, President Trump formed a team of health experts to address the coronavirus outbreak. The problem, according to CNN, is that this team is not “diversified.”

CNN analyst Brandon Tensley lamented the lack of any minorities on the task force. “All we heard from Trump was that he was choosing the best experts in the world for this job,” Tensley said. “President Obama would not have been so single minded. When he had the opportunity to appoint a task force to deal with the 2014 Ebola outbreak he carefully balanced expertise with the need to provide opportunities for minorities to advance their careers.”

“Over the long term, lack of racial and gender diversity is a more serious threat than any disease we might face,” Tensley maintained. “Disease strikes indiscriminately without regard to race or gender. It is an equal-opportunity slayer of humans. Lack of diversity is an insidious prejudice eating away at social justice. I, for one, would much rather risk a less effective effort against any virus than the failure to achieve more opportunities for minorities to advance. I think the majority of people would agree with me on this.”

In related news, presidential candidate Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) suggested that “we might want to consider China’s proposal to cull the segment of the population that is suspected of carrying the coronavirus. If by sacrificing some we can save the larger collective I think it is a step we must contemplate. I would hope that the culling could be carried out in a fashion that has all racial and ethnic groups equally represented.”

Chief Justice Censors Senator

At the impeachment trial of President Trump being conducted in the Senate, Chief Justice of the US Supreme Court John Roberts refused to carry out his duty to read a question posed by Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ken). Paul tried to ask what involvement Rep. Schiff’s staff might have had with Obama Administration holdovers in efforts to oust Trump from office.

Roberts, as had Schiff before him during the House impeachment investigation, said he “blocked the question because it might lead to the disclosure of the whistle blower’s identity. The government often relies on confidential informants to build a case against a lawbreaker. The future willingness of persons to levy charges against public officials could be negatively affected if they had to come forward and face possible cross-examination under oath. This, in my opinion, is a greater threat to our democracy than denying the accused the presumed right to face his accuser.”

Though the so-called whistle blower’s identity is widely known—both Schiff and Roberts have to have known his identity in order to block questions that might lead to naming him—his long-term animus and scheming against Trump is not. In 2017, long before the July 2019 Trump-Zelensky phone call, Eric Ciaramella was active in plotting how to remove Trump from office. Surely, this animosity should raise questions concerning the veracity of the so-called whistle blower’s accusations. Surely, the defense should have a right to cross-examine him under oath so jurors could assess his credibility.

Schiff praised Roberts’ “courage in defense of those of us fighting against the tyranny Trump would inflict on this country. Many of my staff have put in long hours working under the radar with fellow patriots to unseat this monster by whatever means we can. It is good to know we have an ally ensconced at the highest level of our government.”

Warren Wants to Criminalize “Disinformation”

Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Elizabeth Warren (Mass) promised to enact censorship of misleading political speech if she becomes president. “We need new laws that impose tough civil and criminal penalties for disseminating false information related to U.S. Elections,” she says.

“Trump is the poster boy for disseminating false information,” Warren claims. “He has sent thousands of lies over electronic media—both on Twitter and Face Book. These include assertions that his policies have been good for the middle class and minorities when everyone knows they are not. These lies influence how people vote. That undermines democracy. I hope that the FEC is active in shutting down this disinformation in the run up to November, but clearly we need stronger laws that will more effectively deter this scourge.”

“Following my victory in November I will assemble a task force to propose meaningful sanctions on violators,” Warren vowed. “Assets of offending businesses will be seized. Corporate executives will be prosecuted. Individuals will be sentenced to community service working for socially progressive organizations in a bid to reeducate them and save them from harsher punishments.”

Pelosi Threatens Second Impeachment

Miffed that Trump “has not sufficiently appreciated the humiliation of being impeached,” House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) warned “we will impeach him again if voters don’t turn him out of office this Fall.”

“When I think about how President Clinton was unfairly impeached and has to bear that stain forever I see the need for further action against Trump going forward,” she explained. “So far, three presidents have been impeached. But Andrew Johnson and Bill Clinton were only impeached once. Next year we will make Trump the first president to be impeached twice. Even if we can’t get a conviction, he will still be impeached forever—twice. He will be the only person in history impeached twice. The only way he can avoid such a stain on his reputation in the history books is to resign like Nixon did.”

In addition, Pelosi demanded that Trump’s impeachment defense team members be disbarred. “If Bill Clinton could be disbarred for lying about sex, then all the lawyers who lied for Trump in the Senate trial should be disbarred as well,” she added. “Informed opinion is unanimous that Trump is guilty. Any lawyers who help a guilty man escape punishment should not be allowed to practice law.”

 

NJ Gov Announces Road Closure

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

New Jersey Gov. Phil Murphy (D) announced that the main route to the Jan. 28 Trump rally site in Wildwood will be closed “so work can be done to repair the roadway. I realize that the deplorables who need their regular infusion of Trump’s lies may be inconvenienced, but those who will be deterred from participating in this brainwashing event will have cause to thank me later.”

Profs Protest Pro-Life Film

Forty-three faculty members of King’s University College at Western University in Ontario, Canada signed a letter demanding that the college administration “apologize for allowing this film to be shown on campus. The film’s message that it is okay to oppose abortion is not fit to be aired at an institution of higher learning.” The film—Unplanned—is based on the true story of Abby Johnson, a former Planned Parenthood clinic manager who became a pro-life advocate after personally witnessing an abortion “procedure.”

The film’s showing was sponsored by the college’s Campus Ministry as part of its effort to facilitate campus life “rooted in the Roman Catholic tradition.” Especially irksome to the 43 professors was Campus Ministry Director Rev. Michael Bechard’s post-airing comment that “we hope the film will send a message to women that we are concerned about unborn children.”

“Since when do the special interests of the unborn take precedence over the unalienable right of a woman to terminate her unwanted offspring?” asked Professor of Women’s Studies Dr. Sheila Butcher, one of letter’s signers. “It’s bad enough that people are permitted to privately hold such views. Principal Malloy’s attempt to justify this intrusion on the grounds that a university is a place for open inquiry and discussion is an atrocity that we must not tolerate if we hope to elevate humanity from the inhuman religious dogma that impedes progressive ideas.”

Trump Gives Powerful Pro-Life Message

President Trump became the first US president to participate in the annual March for Life where he declared January 22nd as “National Sanctity of Human Life Day” and vowed that “as president I will always defend the first right in our Declaration of Independence, the right to life. Every person — the born and unborn, the poor, the downcast, the disabled, the infirm, and the elderly — has inherent value. Our Nation proudly and strongly reaffirms our commitment to protect the precious gift of life at every stage, from conception to natural death.”

In addition to Trump’s support for life, several abortion survivors made a persuasive case for saving the lives of unborn children. Melissa Ohden, Josiah Presley, Claire Culwell and nearly a dozen others told their stories as part of the “Faces of Choice” project.

Adora Slaughter, spokesperson for Planned Parenthood, dismissed these stories, calling them “inadmissible evidence. These individuals wouldn’t even exist if it weren’t for a medical error somewhere in the procedure. They have no standing to preach ethics to anyone, especially young women who face the horrors and burdens of unwanted motherhood. They ought to quietly enjoy their own good luck rather than trying to use it as an argument against the constitutionally guaranteed right of all women to have an abortion if they want one.”

Warren Explains Governing Philosophy

Accosted by a voter who questioned her promise to cancel college debt, Democratic presidential contender Sen. Elizabeth Warren (Mass) rebuffed his contention that bailing out the debtors was unfair to people like himself who worked and saved to pay his children’s college expenses.

“Look, the fairest principle for organizing society is that each person should contribute according to his ability and each person should be rewarded according to his need,” Warren asserted. “You were able to work two jobs and could afford to pay your kids’ way. Not everyone has as much energy or willingness to sacrifice. These less able people deserve the support of the government, and, indirectly, the support of those like yourself, as a means of redistributing the benefits of energy and self-sacrifice more broadly across the whole human family.”

“You need to correct your way of thinking,” she added. “Rather than focusing on a debunked idea that individuals are entitled to keep what they earn or own, when I am president all earnings and assets will go into a common pool and be distributed to whoever the government decides needs these earnings and property the most.”

Liberal Hack Fabricates Story

CNN reporter Joe Lockhart “broke a story” he at first claimed to be based on a conversation he said he overheard between two GOP senators. He alleged that the senators were dazzled by the “irrefutable arguments” of House impeachment manager Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) that supposedly “left the entire Republican Party in deep s**t.” Later Lockhart admitted he made up the story, but still vouched for its “veracity, because we all know what the GOP scum are thinking.”

CNN president Jeff Zucker defended Lockharts’s methods saying, “when the target isn’t forthcoming about what he’s really thinking we expect our news staff to fill in the gaps with plausible assertions regarding the unspoken thoughts and motives they are trying to conceal. This is the kind of ‘outside the box’ approach that wins Pulitzers. I’m not going to cramp our journalists’ style if it ruffles feathers that deserve ruffling.”

In related news, the Biden for President campaign ordered the media “not to pry into the thoroughly debunked theory that Joe or Hunter did anything wrong” even though the then Vice-President Biden threatened to withhold one billion dollars in US aid from Ukraine unless that government fired the prosecutor investigating the corrupt Burisma Corporation that paid Hunter a million dollars a year to sit on its board of directors.

Normally, one might expect that such a demand might pique a genuine journalist’s curiosity. However, MSNBC anchor Heidi Przybla hailed the Biden demand as “a brilliant preemptive strike. It reminds us all to continue to hold the line. As long as none of us break rank, the Bidens will be safe.”

Schumer Laments Schiff and Nadler Tactics

Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) lamented that “the abrasive style exhibited by the House impeachment managers may have doomed our chances for success. Calling senators ‘traitors’ if they don’t vote to convict Trump is too heavy-handed. Though we might think they are traitors if they don’t vote for conviction, saying this out loud is not wise. Similarly, threatening them with jail strikes me as premature. We might eventually get there if we defeat Trump and gain a majority in both houses on election day, but it’s foolish to warn our enemies in advance.”

Meanwhile, Vice-President Joe Biden flatly refused to testify in the impeachment trial citing his “right as a presidential candidate to not be forced to answer questions that might tend to benefit my opponent. Trump is already impeached for asking Ukraine’s president to look into the business affairs of the company that hired my son. If I testify I’ll be setting myself up to be impeached after I win the election, unless, of course, Democrats also win control of the House and Senate.”

Virginia Dems Kill Gun Bill

Despite their proclaimed intent to “make Virginia safer from gun violence,” the Democrat majority in the legislature voted to kill HB 1175. This bill would’ve increased the penalty for using a gun in the commission of several felonies.

House of Delegates member Chris Hurst (D-Phil) called the measure “an attempt to distract us from our mission to disarm all the people of this state. Our opponents would like to narrow the focus to only those who use guns to commit crimes. The population of criminals is but a tiny fraction of those who own guns. Penalizing only the use of guns in criminal acts overlooks the 99% of the population who are not currently criminals. We cannot be safe if this population is allowed to freely own and carry firearms.”

Fellow Delegate Dan Helmer (D-Fairfax) pointed out the discriminatory intent of the GOP bill by reminding that “for the 99 percent cited by Chris, guns are just a hobby or avocation. Taking their guns away leaves them relatively unscathed. For the 1 percent targeted for extra punishment by the Republicans, guns are tools of trade. A robber’s ability to support his family would be seriously diminished if he couldn’t use a gun. The longer prison sentences proposed for using guns to ply their trade is unduly harsh. Democratic principles require that all members of society be treated equally. Our Party’s universal ban on gun ownership implements equality. The GOP bill does not.”

In related news, not content with their assault on the US Constitution’s Second Amendment, the Virginia legislature is considering an assault on the First Amendment. House Bill 1627, introduced by Delegate Jeffrey Bourne (D-Richmond), would implement criminal penalties for “excessively harsh or strident criticism of state government officers including the governor, Governor-elect, lieutenant governor, lieutenant governor-elect, attorney general, or attorney general-elect, a member or employee of the General Assembly, a justice of the Supreme Court of Virginia, or a judge of the Court of Appeals of Virginia.”

Biden Bids to Corner the Drunk Driver Vote

In the former vice-president’s addled brain, “drunk driving isn’t really a crime we should be deporting people for. Many members of Congress have gotten behind the wheel of a car when they shouldn’t have. Fortunately, we have immunity from arrest going to and from our duties in Congress. I don’t see any good reason why newcomers from foreign lands shouldn’t have the same right. That would be the democratic thing to do. I mean, it’s not as if they are any worse than the average American citizen.”

However, statistics do not support Biden’s perception. The so-called “dreamers,” for which President Obama abused his authority in order to shelter them from being deported for breaking our immigration laws, have a school dropout rate three times higher and a crime rate two times higher than the national averages. This contradicts Biden’s boast that “dreamers are more American than most Americans.” Well, at least were lucky enough to have this “centrist” vying for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination.

Schiff Warns “This May Be Our Last Chance to Escape Tyranny”

As he wrapped up his argument for convicting Trump and removing him from office, Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) asked senators “to reflect on the damage he will do to our country if he is allowed to remain president. In the three years he’s been in office he has disrupted so many long-held policies and trends that it is difficult to imagine the horror that awaits us if he is not stopped.”

“Look what he has done to our economy,” Schiff urged. “Millions of people, many of them minorities, have been lured off of welfare into wage-slavery. Others have become millionaires because of the soaring business growth following the deregulation and tax cuts Trump forced through. If we allow voters to reelect this monster we can expect to see more of this type of capitalist exploitation. Recent polls have shown that a distressingly large percentage of minorities have fallen for the temptations of prosperity and may jettison their traditional voting behavior. This would dramatically alter the political balance to the detriment of democracy.”

“The way Trump has mistreated the White House staff foreshadows the fate of so many loyal career public servants,” Schiff warned. “By the end of the third year of Obama’s presidency, salaries for his White House staff totaled $60.9 million. Right now, salaries for Trump’s White House staff total $35.8 million. Obama had 517 staff employees. Trump has 377. Michelle Obama had 44 staff on her payroll. Melania has five. Trump is decimating government. Many who looked forward to cushy lifetime sinecures will likely be forced into the commercial workforce where pay is tied to productivity and performance. This president clearly poses a greater threat to the permanent state than any hostile foreign power or terrorist organization.”

“We can’t sit by idle and count on voters to make the right choice in November,” Schiff said. “We tried that approach in 2016. I don’t need to tell you how badly that turned out. It’s up to you senators to prevent that by convicting, removing, and disqualifying Trump from ever again holding the office of president. This may be our last chance to escape tyranny.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

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