Ocasio-Cortez Vows to Get Revenge on Trump Jr.

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Newly elected Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-MY) vowed to “mete out sweet revenge” in response to Donald Trump Jr. sharing a meme predicting that if her socialist views are implemented Americans would end up eating their dogs.

“He may think he’s clever mocking me,” Ocasio-Cortez said, “but in another month I’ll have the subpoena power I need to make his life a living Hell. On the specific topic of eating dogs, though, Junior is overlooking the positive impact that would have on mitigating global warming. So really, the joke is on him.”

In related news, Google advised journalist John Stossel that it has blocked his “Socialism Leads to Violence” video from being viewed by anyone under 18 years of age. In his video victims of Venezuela’s socialist regime are shown rioting over food shortages and eating garbage. Google CEO Sundar Pichai said “we filter out anything that could make people feel unsafe. The images in Stossel’s video are unsuitable for viewing by children. They also give an unbalanced presentation emphasizing the negatives of socialism without showing the positives. Some countries do quite well under socialism, most notably the Soviet Union, which rose to superpower status using a socialist model.”

Epstein’s Settlement Boosts Clinton’s Spirits

Sexual predator Jeffrey Epstein’s settlement with a bevy of women who accused him of molestation when they they were under-aged teens is said to have buoyed former President Bill Clinton’s spirits. Under the settlement, in return for millions of dollars the accusers have agreed to accept a gag order barring disclosure of any details related to the molestation.

“Jeff is a great guy and a generous host,” Clinton recalled. “We had some great times together at his island retreat. I’m glad to see he won’t be going to jail on a technicality. Thankfully, he had access to the kind of resources he needed to preserve his freedom. I don’t expect they’ll come after me, but if they do the millions I’ve got stashed away from my work for the Clinton Foundation give me the same option of buying off any accusers.” Bill and Hillary Clinton have been paid more than $150 million for delivering speeches since 1997. These payments substantially increased when Hillary Clinton took office as secretary of state in 2009.

University Suspends Student for Gun Ownership

The University of North Texas is suspending Brandon Masin, a 25-year-old law student, alleging that he poses a danger. The accusation that led to the suspension was anonymous. Masin presented evidence indicating that witnesses would testify that he could not have been involved in the incident claimed by the unidentified accuser.

University of North Texas Chief of Police Ed Reynolds pointed out that “Masin is the founder of the law school’s chapter of The Federalist Society, a notorious right-wing political organization. Thankfully, it is the only right-wing extremist element on campus. On top of this, Mr. Masin admits to owning a gun. Masin’s assertion that state law supports this right is technically correct. Nevertheless it raises suspicion and lends credibility to the accusations made against him. Rather than be sorry later, we utilized our authority to suspend him.”

Masin can appeal his suspension, but may miss the semester’s final exams while waiting for his appeal to be taken up by the University. If he misses taking these exams he could “flunk out” and be dismissed from the law school for academic reasons.

Meanwhile, over at the University of Texas, Austin, liberals at the Counseling and Mental Health Center want masculinity to be designated as a mental illness. Chris Brownson, Associate Vice President for Student Affairs and Director of the Counseling and Mental Health Center says “the notion that a man ought to be a protector and provider for his family is out-dated. In the modern world we have the government to protect and provide for everyone of every gender. Men who can’t accept this new paradigm are maladjusted and need to be identified as ill and subjected to treatment to cure them of their delusions.”

School Bans Candy Canes

Another education bureaucracy abuse of power was demonstrated at the Manchester Elementary School in Omaha, Nebraska where principal Jennifer Sinclair announced a ban on candy canes. According to her, “the letter ‘j’ shape of the candy cane is an insidious attempt to inject religion into the school environment. Everyone knows that the ‘j’ stands for Jesus. We simply cannot permit such an egregious insult to all the non-Christian students at our school.”

Candy canes aren’t the only items on the Principal’s forbidden list. Other banned items and activities include: Santas, elves, Christmas music, Christmas books, making an ornament to hang on a Christmas tree as a gift, any items combining the colors red and green, Christmas videos/movies and/or characters from Christmas movies.

“The only way to be inclusive and culturally sensitive toward non-Christians is to exclude any words, items, activities, or attitudes that are explicitly or implicitly Christian,” Sinclair asserted. “I know that many students and parents consider me a Grinch for spoiling their holiday, but someone had to step forward if we are to shake off the delusions that have been the opiate of the masses and a barrier to the realization of Marx’s vision of a classless utopia under a secular socialist government.”

In other Christmas news, Facebook has censored a picture of Santa kneeling next to baby Jesus’ manger because it “shows violent or graphic content.” Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg explained “it is well known that Mary was impregnated without her consent. That she was not given the option of abortion did violence to her rights as a woman. The intrusion of Santa Claus in the picture wrongfully conveys a message implying that baby Jesus was a gift to the world. People need to be protected against accidentally receiving this message.”

DNC Chair Blames Religion for Obstructing Socialism

Democratic National Committee (DNC) Chair Tom Perez blamed religion for “poisoning peoples’ minds against the promise of socialism. No matter what we do through the media to try to advertise the benefits of socialism 24/7, the one hour a week people spend in church every Sunday is undermining our efforts.”

“The priest or pastor who is telling the congregation that being good and being charitable is a matter of personal responsibility directly contradicts the message of the Democratic Party,” Perez complained. “The notion of doing something because it is what God wants you to do dilutes the authority we have been assiduously trying to vest in government. It leaves it up to each individual to decide what he or she will do.”

“This reinforcement of individualism negates the collective solidarity our Party has been preaching,” Perez continued. “Experts should be the ones to decide what each person must do to support the collective well being of society. Individuals should accept and implement the decisions made for them by the experts.”

“While the cultural transformation that our Party has wrought over the decades by dominating public schools, universities, media, television and the movies has made dramatic progress the continued interference by religious institutions free to broadcast nonconforming messages may be something we need to seriously consider dealing with,” the DNC Chair suggested. “In China, the government reserves the right to approve the appointment of priests and pastors to churches. Maybe it’s time we do the same thing here in this country.”

DC Metro Track Inspectors Who Filed False Reports Reinstated

Two years ago 16 track inspectors and five supervisors for the Washington, DC Metro Rail system were fired for repeatedly filing false reports on track conditions. The Metro and Amalgamated Transit Union appealed these firings. An arbitrator hired to hear the appeal ordered all the fired individuals to be reinstated.

The basis for the reinstatement decision was the arbitrator’s finding that “filing false reports was the normal practice in the track inspection program. Each inspection report was essentially an exact copy of the previous report filed for that section of track. No new measurements of deteriorated conditions were ever noted. Since fake reports were standard procedure throughout the system, the individuals singled out because derailments happened to occur on the sections they inspected were treated in a fashion that was discriminatory.”

“The fact of the matter is that all sections of track were not actually inspected as they should have been,” the arbitrator’s report revealed. “The 21 individuals fired were merely unlucky that derailments occurred on their sections. We recommend that the broader problem of a procedural norm that resulted in falsified inspection reports needs to be addressed as a matter of public safety.”

At the present time, Metro management and the Transit Union are not in agreement on a process for obtaining honest track inspection reports. Management contends that honest reporting is an implied obligation of the job. The union contends that the extra work entailed if honest reports are mandated is a “change in working conditions” and is demanding a pay increase “if honest reports are to be made a new task for employees.”

Schwarzenegger Offers to Travel Back in Time

Calling President Trump “crazy” for abandoning the Paris Climate Accord that none of its signers are currently complying with, former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger offered “to travel back in time and kill the man who invented fire.”

“Fire was the first fossil fuel,” Schwarzenegger asserted. “If it had never been invented the whole destructive cycle of coal and oil would’ve been terminated before it even got started and our environment would be safe from global warming. Raw meat wouldn’t have been as popular as grilled meat has turned out to be. Consequently, most people would likely be vegetarians today. There wouldn’t be as many cows farting methane into the atmosphere. With body heat being our only source of warmth people would be forced to live together in harmony. There would probably be statues of me as the man who saved the world from becoming the rotten place it is because of our reliance on combustion for energy. I might even be worshiped as a god.”

In another instance of a celebrity demonstrating a poor grasp of reality, Tom Arnold, the man who became famous for marrying Roseanne Barr and once appeared in a movie with Schwarzenegger, alleges that “80% of gun owners shoot themselves or a family member. The decent part of me says we should confiscate all the guns to save these people’s lives. On the other hand, it occurred to me that at some point, the last gun owner will off himself and his family and solve the problem of too many guns in the wrong hands.”

63 Percent of Immigrants on Welfare

The claim that people are illegally entering the United States in order to do the work that Americans refuse to do was dealt a blow when the Census Bureau issued a report showing that 63 percent of non-citizens in the country are on welfare. In comparison, only 35 percent of persons born in the United States are on welfare.

Nevertheless, incoming Speaker of the House of Representatives Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) insists that “any effort to impede or slow the inflow of migrants is immoral. I was raised to believe that we are our brother’s keeper and that is is our moral obligation to take care of the less fortunate. Obviously, those born in other countries are less fortunate and I will do everything in my power to ensure that every American pays as much in taxes as is necessary to take care of every immigrant who busts through our borders.”

Pelosi expressed confidence that her Party’s superior moral stance on this issue will eventually pay off in terms of political success. “I foresee a future when no one who opposes this moral stand will ever win elective office,” Pelosi predicted. “Humanity, or at least that portion that lives in the United States, will have recreated the Garden of Eden.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

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CNN Cites ‘Oppression’ of Caravan as ‘Impeachable Offense’

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

According to CNN’s Jim Acosta, the revelation that persons in the United States illegally are entitled to more than $40,000 a year in federal benefits “casts a sinister light on the Trump Administration’s extraordinary efforts to block the Central American caravan’s efforts to claim these benefits for its members.”

“Why would there be such a program if these immigrants weren’t entitled to this compensation?” Acosta asked. “Trump’s attempt to characterize those who are merely asserting their legal rights as an ‘invasion’ is a slander designed to conceal his government’s refusal to recognize and enforce these immigrants’ rights to this money.”

“The caravan’s members assault on the ICE personnel at the border needs to be reassessed given these new facts,” Acosta demanded. “Wouldn’t you be angry if you knew that Trump was trying to prevent you from obtaining money that was owed you? Might you not grab a rock to throw? Might you not try to tear down the barrier that blocked your path to cashing in on this benefit? I mean, who is really at fault for the violence that has ensued—the individuals trying to collect what they’re owed or the deadbeat trying to welsh on the debt owed? I think that even if the Mueller investigation clears Trump, his violent response to try to avoid paying this debt to immigrants is grounds for impeachment.”

California Attorney General Xavier Becerra was even harsher in his criticism of the President’s opposition to admitting the caravan. “California is part of the land the United States stole from Mexico in the nineteenth century,” Becerra argued. “All efforts to prevent the restoration of this land to Mexico perpetuates the aggression initiated in the 1800s. The only honorable solution is to work out the terms for undoing that original wrong. Not only should the land be returned, but all of the profits extracted during the 170 years of unjustified occupation need to be paid out to Mexico as reparations.”

Meanwhile, the United Nations has affirmed the right of immigrants to go wherever they want in the world and has ordered the Trump Administration to “cease and desist from any and all actions aimed at impeding, obstructing, or interfering with this basic human right.” UN spokesman Babar Baloch warned that “the full might of all the member nations will be brought to bear on the United States if the Trump Administration fails to comply with our directive.”

In related news, the hysteria exhibited by the media over the use of tear gas to repel the caravan mob that attempted to crash through the border near Tijuana stands in stark contrast to the media’s silence while the Obama Administration used tear gas dozens of times between 2012 and 2016. Acosta explained that “we had complete faith in President Obama. We knew that his motives were pure and he must have had a good reason for whatever he did whenever he did it. We have no such faith in Trump. We know his intent is evil and that whatever he does is wrong whenever he does it.”

Democratic Socialism Makes Europeans Poorer

A study by Mark Perry, a scholar at the American Enterprise Institute and professor of economics and finance at the University of Michigan, should give pause to advocates of democratic socialism in the United States. According to the study, the more socialistic economic policies of western European countries has both retarded output and boosted the cost of living.

The index of average individual consumption for the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development is set at 100. Inhabitants in nations falling below this mark can afford less than the average European. Inhabitants in nations exceeding this mark can afford more. The United States scores 147 on this index. This means that on average, Americans can buy 47 percent more than the average European.

Newly elected U.S. Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) was undaunted by these data and asserted “it is way past time that Americans learn to live more economically. My ‘green new deal’ will put us on a path toward achieving this goal. By explicitly forcing everyone to pay more for everything they buy, my legislation will put us on this right path.”

“When cars become too expensive for most people to own and operate, they will ride public transit, like most people do in Europe,” the congresswoman said. “When individual homes become too expensive, more will be compelled to live in smaller apartments and maybe have roommates. Instead of buying lots of unnecessary junk, an expanded government sector will provide a more appropriate array of goods and services for everyone. The atomized individualism that has separated Americans from the collectivized solidarity that has prevailed in Europe and elsewhere around the world will be on the road to extinction.”

Sen. Bernie Sanders (DS-Vermont) concurred with his democratic socialist congressional colleague. “When I spent my honeymoon in the Soviet Union, I had a chance to observe how socialism made people happier,” he said. “Their living space was cramped. Very few owned private cars. Consumer goods were scarce and often required waiting hours in lines to obtain. Many Americans would likely see these conditions as difficult. But I never heard anyone complain like they do in America. I think we need to rethink whether an abundance of material goods really makes us better off. Maybe having a government making the key decisions about who should have what is a formula for gtreater happiness than the so-called rugged individualism that has tainted American thinking since the country’s founding.”

In related news, Ocasio-Cortez hailed her election as “a more significant development in American history than the moon landing. That was an interesting demonstration of technology. But my election augers in a new revolutionary movement that will sweep aside the capitalistic foundations of this country and allow us to join the social movement envisioned by Karl Marx. The petty selfishness that Americans have been permitted to indulge in will be replaced by collective solidarity, as all will be required to yield to government guidance on how to live their lives in ways that promote the socialist dream. There may or may not be future space missions, the decision on whether that will happen will be a collective one. But socialism is here to stay. It is the end point of human history.”

Obama Claims Credit for U.S. Energy Boom Since He Left Office

Concerned that President Trump “might unjustly be credited with the country’s current energy boom” former President Obama hastened to point out to voters that “none of what we are seeing today would’ve been possible if not for the actions taken during my administration.”

“For eight years my administration did everything it could to suppress energy production in the United States,” Obama pointed out. “We blocked coal production. We discouraged fracking. We denied drilling permits wherever we could. We prevented pipeline and refinery construction. When I left office, gasoline was nearly $4 per gallon. The energy sector was languishing under our smothering regulations. Without this low point, the upside potential for the Trump Administration’s stimulative initiatives would have been negligible. I don’t want people to forget that if it weren’t for the ‘bust’ that my policies engineered there never could’ve been a Trump ‘boom.’”

Obama’s claim earned him a Trump tweet thanking him for clarifying the record. “You heard it from the horse’s mouth, if Obama hadn’t tied the energy industry’s hands for eight years there wouldn’t have been anything for me to deregulate. He is like a kidnapper taking credit when police finally locate and release the victim whose regained freedom wouldn’t have been possible if not for being held captive. Now, why is this admitted malefactor a Nobel Prize winner?”

Liberals Talk Down to Blacks, Conservatives Don’t

A study by Cydney Dupree, assistant professor of organizational behavior at the Yale School of Management, found that liberals talk down to blacks. The research found that Democratic candidates used fewer competence-related words in speeches to audiences consisting mostly of minorities than they did in speeches to mostly white audiences. “It was kind of an unpleasant surprise to see this subtle, but persistent effect,” Dupree lamented. “Even if it’s ultimately well-intentioned, it could be seen as patronizing.”

Democratic National Committee Chairman Tom Perez defended the practice of talking down to minorities and cited his party’s recent success in taking back the majority in the House of Representatives as “proof that this strategy works.”

“Since we can’t compete on the basis of policies that will truly benefit minorities we have to have a strategy that compensates for this deficiency,” Perez explained. “By dumbing down our language so we sound more like the ignorant and uneducated voters who form our core constituency we feel we can win their trust. Our candidates may be millionaires, but if they don’t sound educated that will be overlooked.”

Perez also expressed gratitude “for our friends in the media for not calling us out on this condescending practice. The slightest hint of condescension by a Republican will bring a firestorm of criticism from the folks at CNN, MSNBC, and others. This allows us to paint them as racist or worse. Is it a double standard? Yes, but since the end result is desirable our use of this strategy is, in my mind, vindicated.”

School Bans Christmas Carols that Mention Jesus

The Robious Middle School in Midlothian, Virginia announced that any Christmas song that mentions Jesus will be prohibited from being sung or played during the holiday season. Principal Dr. Derek Wasnock explained that “since non-Christians might be offended by hearing Jesus’ name, the only way for us to be inclusive of all religions during the holiday season is to exclude any music that includes His name.”

The move was applauded by the school’s nine-member Students for a Muslim America Association. The school’s much larger contingent of Catholic and protestant students were puzzled and disappointed. One of them speaking “off-the-record,” lest he be sanctioned by school authorities, observed that “I suppose it isn’t enough that everyone has to endure Muslim sensitivity training, but it seems absurd that a holiday celebrating Jesus’ birth has to censor any mention of His name.”

Wasnock vowed “we will find out who criticized our inclusive exclusion and suspend or expel him or her—whichever seems most appropriate given his or her previous violations of school policies.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Clinton Calls for Tough Talk on Immigration

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

This past week, former U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton warned European politicians that “the lack of tough-sounding rhetoric regarding immigrants and refugees has paved the way for right-wing populists like Hungary’s Viktor Orbán, the Alternative for Germany Party, and Donald Trump to gain traction with voters. Preying on voters’ fears that allowing masses of semi-civilized immigrants into their countries endangers their cultural history, these political outsiders have threatened the long-term progressive governing coalition in several countries.”

Clinton advised that “we need to take a more nuanced message to the voters who currently matter in order to keep the doors open to voters who will, in gratitude for the better lives a generous social welfare state offers over the hellish conditions they are emigrating from, appreciate what the governing class has to offer them. If I had grasped this during my 2016 run for the U.S. presidency, Donald Trump’s message would have been blunted and he never would’ve become president.”

The former presidential candidate hastened to clarify that “I’m not saying that we need to close the doors to immigration so much as I’m saying that we need to sound like that is an option we are considering out of concern for voters who are being hurt by open borders. We need to use words like ‘comprehensive immigration reform’ and ‘a system that is fair to all’ even if in the end the result is no substantive change in our open borders policy. As the UN has recently proclaimed, migration is a human right. No country has a moral right to block the entry of anyone demanding admittance. The key is ensuring that a progressive elite retains the reins of government. A sophisticated messaging system will help us maintain control and block right-wing elements from interfering with our right to govern for the good of all humanity.”

Clinton expressed confidence in the success of an improved message “because deep down, people don’t want responsibility and freedom. They want to be told what to do and where to go and how to live. We social progressives are the only ones truly prepared to control these aspects of everyone’s lives. The right is still tied to anachronistic ideas of individual autonomy where each person is expected to chart the course of his own life.”

Obama Discusses 2018 Election Results

Disappointed that Democrats didn’t win every contested election in the 2018 mid-terms, former President Barack Obama charged that “too many voters are still confused, blind, filled with hate and racist. Given a clear choice between the progressive socialist values represented by Democrats in every state and district, a distressingly large number of voters persisted in pulling the lever for Republicans.”

Obama laid some of the blame on himself for not seeking a third term as president. “I’m confident that I would’ve won,” he boasted. “I would’ve gotten billions of dollars of in-kind publicity from a loyal press corps. The people love me. But I let myself be dissuaded by a constitutional quirk limiting presidents to two terms. In retrospect, I’m pretty sure that I could’ve gotten a friendly judge to put a temporary restraining order on that constitutional provision. Once I was reelected who would’ve had the nerve to argue for overturning the will of the voters? My unthinking submission to a piece of paper denied voters their democratic right to freely choose their own government.”

According to the ex-president, a “silver lining” from the 2018 election results was the emergence of Texas Senate candidate Beto O’Rourke as a 2020 Democratic presidential contender. “He is, for all intents and purposes, a white version of me,” Obama asserted. “He is smooth, articulate, and a good looking guy. Like me, he had no significant accomplishments as a member of Congress and can define himself as whoever he wants to be. Even better, since he lost his senate race against Ted Cruz he is free to work full-time on a 2020 presidential campaign. This should give him a valuable head start in fund raising vs. other Democratic contenders who will be bogged down with attending to legislative duties over the next two years.”

Gov. Kasich Lurches Left

Eyeing a potential 2020 run against President Trump, Ohio Gov. John Kasich (R) took a dramatic left turn in his final months in office. Persuaded that his “everyone needs a hug” might be a bit too thin of a platform, Kasich decided to reverse gears on traditional Republican pro-life and pro-self-defense positions and veto the so-called “heartbeat bill” and “stand-your-ground bill.”

“The key factor in my decision was my perception that I must differentiate myself from Trump in any way I can,” Kasich explained. “If Trump is for something it must be wrong for America. So, when Trump came out as anti-abortion, I figure I have to oppose that position. The same goes for personal self-defense. Trump is such a strong advocate for Second Amendment rights that the only logical choice left for those of us who want to remove this monster from the presidency is to oppose the Second Amendment.”

Both bills have passed the Ohio House with veto-proof majorities, but the Governor has threatened “to ruin everyone’s Christmas holiday” by forcing the legislature to return for an override vote during Christmas week. “If these guys believe so strongly in protecting the lives of the unborn or allowing citizens to use deadly force against criminals let them sacrifice their comfort for their beliefs.”

Whether Kasich’s betrayal of Republican voters who elected him to two terms as Ohio’s governor will achieve the results he anticipates remains doubtful. Incoming Republican Gov. Mike Dewine favors both bills. So, a Kasich veto will likely only postpone enactment by a few months. As for boosting Kasich’s chances against Trump, it seems that a “newbie” baby killer and gun-grabber would be less attractive than one of the Democratic 2020 presidential contenders with a longer pedigree on these issues.

In related news, it appears that Kasich’s new position on abortion is in line with the Human Rights Committee of United Nations which just declared that “states must legalize abortion.” The declaration comes as a “reinterpretation” of an older UN provision stating that “Every human being has the inherent right to life. This right shall be protected by law.” The new interpretation includes legalization of assisted suicide and euthanasia. High Commissioner Michelle Bachelet Jeria explained “we needed to update our interpretation to deal with the emerging problems of surplus human population. The previous provision was drafted in the wake of World War II when the widespread destruction of human life was on everyone’s mind.”

NBC’s Chuck Todd Calls White House Media Rules “Absurd”

The recently released rules for White House press conference participants were excoriated by MSNBC talking head Chuck Todd as “absurd.” Under the announced rules each member of the press will be expected to yield the floor to another member of the press corps after asking a question unless the President, Press Secretary, or other official conducting the press conference allows a follow-up question, after which the questioner will be expected to yield the floor to a colleague.

“Insisting that we politely take turns is treating us like children,” Todd complained. “I mean, it’s not as if any member of the legitimate press corps at these conferences has a different opinion about Trump or his Administration. We all agree that he and it are the enemy of the American people. Each of us is dedicated to using every opportunity to make this point. Wresting the microphone away from whichever legitimate journalist possesses it is a ruse to allow illegitimate journalistic posers to break the train of thought by giving them an undeserved turn.”

Todd vowed “to fight such a rule with every ounce of my strength. If push comes to shove I will follow the example of CNN’s Jim Acosta and rebuff any attempt by any intern to pass the microphone to someone else not of my choosing. If this means pushing her away or even knocking her to the floor, so be it. The fate of our democracy is too important to be subverted by appeals to decorum or equal access to all points of view. No self-respecting member of the legitimate media will shy away from this battle no matter how rude and obnoxious we are forced to become in pursuit of our political agenda.”

Meanwhile, veteran journalist Carl Bernstein suggested that a better response would be for the media to stop airing unedited press conferences. “Our control of the narrative would be more complete if only the portions we deem newsworthy were allowed on the air,” Bernstein said. “This would cut off Trump’s direct communication with voters. All they would see is what we want them to see.”

9th Circuit Judge Blocks Trump Refugee Policy

US District Judge Jon Steven Tigar in San Francisco blocked the Trump Administration’s policy requiring applicants for refugee status to follow established legal procedures. According to Tigar, “the Trump Administration protocol discriminates against the estimated 500 members of the migrant caravan whose criminal records make following established legal procedures impractical. Under the Trump protocol these criminals would be automatically barred from entry—totally negating their chance for integrating themselves into the United States.”

Unsurprisingly, the Trump Administration denounced Tigar’s ruling, calling it contrary to law and vowing to appeal it to a higher court. “It’s just one more example of the outrageous and lawless behavior of the infamous 9th Circuit,” President Trump complained. “The numbers speak for themselves. The 9th Circuit has been overruled by the Supreme Court more than any other circuit in the country.”

U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts prematurely injected himself into the controversy by admonishing President Trump’s complaint about the 9th Circuit. “The President is unfairly accusing the 9th Circuit of political bias and overlooking the possibility that the judges there are simply incompetent. What Trump is characterizing as bias could be stupidity or ignorance. The frequent overturning of the 9th Circuit by the Supreme Court is, in my opinion, stronger evidence for ignorance of the law and Constitution than it is of political bias, which if intelligently crafted might have a better chance of avoiding reversal. And let’s not forget that the 9th Circuit is located in California—a state notorious for ill-considered and ignorant public policies enacted and carried out by non-judicial elements of the government. Right now half the state is on fire because Gov. Brown vetoed sensible fire control measures.”

Meanwhile, members of the migrant caravan have been complaining about the free tacos and refried beans being given to them, calling it “pig food” and citing this as a reason for rejecting Mexico’s offer of asylum. “We want to eat the same steaks wealthy Americans eat,” said the complaining refugee. “There’s no point in us settling for the same kind of crappy food that was available to us in Guatemala.”

NYC Mayor Calls for Government Control of All Property

Buoyed by the electoral success of so many democratic socialists in the recently concluded mid-terms, New York City Mayor Bill deBlasio wondered “if now is the time to implement the socialist ideal of total government control over all property. I think people all over this city, of every background, would like to have the city government determine which building goes where, how high it will be, who gets to live in it, and what the rent will be.”

“The current situation which requires people to take responsibility for where they live is socially unjust,” the Mayor argued. “Why should some people have nicer apartments merely because they can afford them? Wouldn’t it be better if the government could freely assess each person’s needs and assign him the space most appropriate for fulfilling those needs? I think most people are coming around to appreciate the approach successfully used by the Soviet Union to assign each person to the proper quantity of living space based on his social value to the collective. For some that may require them to accept government-assigned roommates if, in the judgment of housing authorities, their current living space is more than they are entitled to.”

DeBlasio acknowledged that his ideas “are likely to be opposed by those unduly attached to anti-social notions of individualism and privacy. But isn’t the transformation away from individualism and privacy and important part of what President Obama tried to achieve for this country? Maybe those who can’t currently accommodate themselves to the new way of thinking should be sent to reeducation facilities to help them grasp the correct way of thinking about social issues.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Dems in Georgia Weigh Election ‘Do Over’

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

After all the post-election massaging of ballots failed to produce a victory for Democratic gubernatorial candidate Stacy Abrams, the Party was considering demanding that the courts order a “do over.” The latest recount shows the GOP candidate Brian Kemp with 50.2% of the votes. Since this is a majority of the votes counted it is enough to win the office outright without the runoff that would have been required had he failed to get 50% +1 vote.

The Abrams’ campaign theorized that there are more than enough potential votes that could have been cast if more voters would have gone to the polls or submitted absentee ballots to have pushed Kemp below a majority if these potential votes would have gone for Abrams.

Allegra Lawrence-Hardy, Abrams’ campaign chairwoman, lamented that “unlike in Florida, the Georgia Democratic Party was not given sufficient time to locate misplaced boxes of ballots or to correct erroneously marked ballots. Then in Fulton County over 5,000 duplicate ballots were simply discarded. Inasmuch as these traditional tools were not available to us, we contend that this constitutes the type of significant ‘irregularity’ that justifies starting over from scratch. However, since state law doesn’t support our concept of potential votes we have no choice but to concede defeat at this time.”

Dem Antics in Florida Defy Logic

The Florida Democratic Party made a post-election bid to “cure” defective ballots in the hope that a court would order these ballots to be counted in contradiction to state law. Chair of the Party, Terrie Rizzo explained that “it’s only after all the legally compliant votes have been counted that we know how close the election was and whether it’s worth the effort to try to get non-compliant ballots counted. With Republicans holding slim leads it was our assessment that bending the rules in the hope that a friendly judge would reward our effort seemed warranted.”

Meanwhile, defeated Sen. Bill Nelson (D-Fla) is now urging the courts “to reopen the voting. Seeing how close the outcome was it goes without saying that there are now a lot of voters who wish they had taken the time to cast a ballot for me. Since the term of office of a US Senator is 6 years, surely the courts could allow another six weeks for these voters to come forward and cast the ballots they should have cast by Nov 6.”

Not to be left out, defeated Democratic gubernatorial candidate Tallahassee Mayor Andrew Gillum, fresh off his demand that every vote be counted, objected to including 150 votes from citizens in hurricane devastated northwest Florida because Bay County Elections Supervisor Mark Andersen allowed these voters to vote via email or fax. Andersen called it “an equity issue. Since I was able to match the signatures with the ones on file I deemed it reasonable to include these votes.” Gillum contrasted this “playing favorites” with “the routine rejection of votes cast by non-citizens who cast their ballots at the polls on election day,” which he characterized as “racism, pure and simple.”

White Gov Mourning Murder of Black Babies Called “Racist”

This week, Republican Gov Phil Bryant’s expression of puzzlement that there is no media outrage over the 20 million black babies killed by the abortion industry since 1973’s Roe v. Wade Supreme Court ruling drew a vicious backlash from Mississippi Reproductive Freedom Fund Executive Director Laurie Bertram Roberts.

“Gov Bryant’s concern is disgusting and vile,” Roberts asserted. “It’s racist to single out the black mothers who choose to abort their babies.”

ThinkProgress, a left-wing pro-abortion news site, slammed Bryant as a “misogynoir. His notion that abortion poses a distinct threat against black lives is a myth.”

Claiming something is a myth when the weight of evidence would appear to support Gov Bryant’s concerns says more about the fanaticism of the abortion death cult than it does about those who are combating it. Though black women represent only 13% of women in the United States, Planned Parenthood, the largest abortion provider in America, has placed 79% of its abortion facilities within walking distance of minority neighborhoods. Black women also have about 30% of the abortions performed in this country. It seems more plausible that Planned Parenthood and the abortion industry have targeted blacks as “likely customers” for their lethal services and are prepared to vilify anyone who might be perceived as a threat to their exploitation of these customers.

Meanwhile, the evil abortion giant has gotten even more brazen in its advocacy for murdering unborn children. In a new ad created by the Agenda Project, a pro-abortion advocacy group, a smiling baby is shown along with the message “beautiful as she may be, it is your right to abort her if you aren’t ready to be a parent.”

Dem Demands 100% Renewable Energy by 2030

Impatient to make her mark on US policy, newly elected Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) is demanding a Party commitment to 100% renewable energy by 2030 as the “price” for her support of Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) as House Speaker.

Apprised that 100% renewable energy would likely price most consumers out of the market, Ocasio-Cortez trotted out her personal catchphrase of “just pay for it” in response. “The government can print as much money as is needed. There’s no reason why cost should any longer be a barrier to the implementation of the policies and programs required to create the workers’ paradise promised by Karl Marx.”

Ocasio-Cortez hastened to reassure her followers that “my pledge to vote for Pelosi as Speaker is just a temporary expedient. Like all members of the patrician class she will be liquidated when the time is right. Why mot let her enjoy a ‘last hurrah’ before we put her head in the noose?”

New Kansas Gov Ready to Abuse Authority

Under the mistaken notion that she has been elected dictator, Gov-Elect Laura Kelly (D) has announced her intention to “stick it to the social conservatives who opposed my election.” Items high on her agenda for her first days as Governor include ignoring a newly passed state law that bans state officials from harassing faith-based adoption agencies. Under the law these private organizations would be permitted to pursue placing orphans with married opposite sex parents.

“In my view, orphans ought to be placed in a non-discriminatory fashion,” Kelly maintained. “No private adoption agency has a right to deviate from a random pattern of placement. We will audit all of them and if we detect a non-random pattern we will close them down.” The fact that this would be in exact opposition to state law didn’t faze the new Gov, who proclaimed that “the law is what I say it is. Anyone who doesn’t like it can sue me.”

A second priority will be to undo the privacy protections implemented by former Gov Sam Brownback. Under Brownback’s executive order, private organizations were permitted to establish their own rules regarding which sex was allowed to use which bathroom. “There is no right to privacy against government policy,” Kelly declared. “If I say that all bathrooms must be accessible to all persons based on their self-identified gender, no individual or organization will be permitted to deviate from the rules I lay down. Protecting the rights of our LGBTQ community takes precedence over the idiosyncratic prejudices, religious delusions, or personal squeamishness of those who oppose this essential civil right.”

Meanwhile in Kansas City, the health Department destroyed food that was going to be distributed to the homeless by a group called Free Hot Soup KC. The food, which included home-cooked chili, foil wrapped sandwiches and vats of soup was deemed “too risky” by department director Rex Archer who contended that “people could’ve gotten sick. So we did the only thing we could and poured bleach onto all of it to prevent that from happening.” Archer was a bit blasé about the prospect that the alternative for many of the homeless was dumpster diving, where the risk of food poisoning would seem to be considerably higher, saying “where they get their food when we’re not watching is not our concern. Our job is to defend area restaurants from the unfair competition posed by do-gooders like Free Hot Soup KC.”

CNN Sues to Reinstate Acosta Press Pass

After the Trump Administration canceled the press pass of CNN’s Jim Acosta for his boorish behavior, his network has filed suit demanding his reinstatement, calling an issue of freedom of speech. A court has ordered that Acosta’s pass be temporarily returned until the issue is adjudicated.

The gist of CNN’s case is that their reporter has a supreme right to hog the microphone “for as long as he needs to in order to make his point that President Trump is an unlawful usurper. It is the obligation of all other media present to yield their opportunity to ask questions until after our representative is satisfied.”

CNN belittled concerns that Acosta’s abuse of his peers could constitute an unfair practice, saying that “only a tiny minority of those representing other members of the media have the stature and gravitas that we bring to the table. Even though our viewer share is easily surpassed by several other news networks, we are appealing to the best and brightest of minds across the world. Those that have chosen the low road of appealing to the masses of ignorant Americans have no reasonable grounds for compliant.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Broward County Official Defends Violating Law

In the wake of closely contested races for Senator and Governor, Broward County Elections Supervisor Brenda Snipes sought to defend violating state election laws. Under state law each county is required to report the number of ballots to be counted in a timely fashion. Broward was one of the two out of 67 counties not to do so.

Snipes contended that her lack of compliance with the law “was guided by a higher loyalty. It seems like every election new boxes of ballots keep being found in the darndest places. In order to ensure that these voters are not disenfranchised it’s necessary to keep the process open.”

The whole notion of boxes of ballots going unaccounted for days after the polls close reeks of incredible incompetence or convenient corruption. Snipes brushed aside concerns that these “found” boxes might not contain valid votes, saying that “while we cannot say for sure how the boxes were misplaced, once we have looked inside it is clear that the ballots have in fact been filled out by someone. I suppose there is a possibility the votes could’ve been fraudulently prepared, but there is also the possibility they were not. Given these 50/50 odds, I prefer to include them in the total count.”

Gov. Rick Scott blasted Snipes’ attitude, declaring that “the whole point of the state election laws requirement of a timely reporting of results is precisely to prevent the ‘finding of boxes of ballots of unknown origin’ from being injected into the stream of ballots that have gone through the legal verification process. Snipes is trying justify what amounts to stealing the election.”

Florida Judge Carol-Lisa Phillips has ruled that Broward County’s Supervisor of Elections Brenda Snipes violated the state constitution by not following the open records laws and ordered her to comply by revealing how many electors voted, how many ballots have been canvassed, and how many ballots remain to be canvassed by 7 p.m. Friday, Nov 9th. It wasn’t clear that Snipes would obey this court order when she said “even if we did reveal some of this information it doesn’t mean that our search for other wayward boxes of ballots won’t go on.”

The arrogance of Snipes may stem, in part, from a 1982 agreement by the Republican National Committee to not raise the issue of fraud in any election where minorities represent a substantial portion of the electorate. While this agreement is little known outside the inner circles of the two major Parties it has probably given rise to brazen behavior by Democrat Party officials since then. However, the agreement expired in December of 2017 and may lead to a more aggressive effort combat fraud of the type Snipes has become accustomed to perpetrating.

In L.A. Vet Blocked from Voting

On election day a poll monitor in a Los Angeles precinct blocked army veteran John Reader from voting because of “the symbol of hatred” on his shirt. The symbol: a US flag.

“I thought displaying the flag was a general expression of patriotism, you know for our country,” Reader said. “How’s that a hate symbol?”

The poll monitor who would only give his first name (Bill) asserted that “someone so ignorant as to not know that the American flag is a symbol imperialism, oppression, and hatred shouldn’t be voting in our elections. Generous person that I am, though, I offered to let him vote if he turned his shirt inside out, but he refused.”

Reader was eventually allowed to vote after a 90 minute delay when the county registrar intervened. Bill will be required to undergo retraining before he is allowed to work in future elections.

Vox Justifies Leftists Terrorizing Opponents

This week a loud and angry mob of Antifa activists surrounded the home of Fox News personality Tucker Carlson engaged in lengthy chanting of leftist slogans and ended up breaking the home’s front door. Tucker’s terrified wife barricaded herself inside and called the police.

While most media commentators on both sides of the left-right spectrum denounced this tactic, Vox Senior Correspondent and co-founder Matthew Yglesias hailed it, saying “I think the idea behind terrorizing his family is to make them feel some of the fear that the victims of MAGA-inspired violence feel thanks to the non-stop racial incitement coming from Tucker, Trump, etc.”

The fact that MAGA-inspired violence seems basically nonexistent and the total lack of any evidence that Tucker, Trump, or any major right-wing spokesperson has ever sicced a mob on anyone didn’t faze Yglesias. “Sure they may not have consciously spewed racism, but those of us who know how to read between the lines can see it,” he insisted. “The fact that Carlson disagrees with a minority guest on his show is enough proof for me that he is a racist and liable for whatever form of revenge selected by those he has offended. You know terror is an important political weapon as was shown to the world by Lenin when he used it to enable a tiny cadre of Bolsheviks to take over a whole nation.”

Contrasting Abortion Decisions in Two States

In this election abortion ballot measures appeared in two states. In West Virginia, voters approved a constitutional amendment with the following wording: “Nothing in this Constitution secures or protects a right to abortion or requires the funding of abortion.”

In Oregon, voters defeated a measure that banned taxpayers funding of elective abortions. Oregon is one of 17 states that forces taxpayers to fund elective abortions. Because the state has no abortion restrictions, tax dollars pay for unborn babies to be aborted for any reason up to the moment before birth. In 2017, Gov. Kate Brown (D) signed a bill expanding taxpayer-funded abortions to illegal immigrants and government employees.

Meanwhile, Women’s March denounced white women for failure to deliver the blue wave that would have allowed Democrats to take both Houses of Congress. “Their aversion to supporting abortion rights is shameful,” declared pro-abortion feminist writer Jill Filipovic. “The termination ratios for minority women dwarf those of white women. It is racist and unfair for them to have to bear such a disproportionate share of the task of culling the human herd.”

However, African pro-life leader Obianuju Ekeocha rebuked the Woman’s March: “They shame white women for their politics and dare to tell them how to vote. Women’s March is a rabidly racist and oppressive organization. I thought those were abolished by the end of segregation. I guess I was wrong.”

DC to Crack Down on “Play Dates”

The practice of parents with similarly aged children meeting up for play dates is in the cross hairs of the DC bureaucracy. State Superintendent of Education Hanseul Kang has charged that these informal arrangements “are an illegal intrusion on turf reserved for my department. There are public institutions targeting young children and their development. Every hour wasted at some play group run by unqualified parents is an hour that could have been spent in a program run by professionals. It doesn’t matter that the play dates are voluntary or that participation seemingly hurts no one. We will levy fines or whatever other deterrents are necessary to exterminate this deviationist approach to child development.”

New Congresswoman Can’t Afford Apartment

Newly elected Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) faulted the US electoral system for her inability to afford an apartment in Washington, DC. “I’m elected today, but now I’m told my salary doesn’t start until January 3,” she lamented. “What kind of twisted system doesn’t ensure its rulers have the accommodations to which their rank should entitle them? The government can print as much money as it wants, so just pay for it.”

The sheer lack of resourcefulness of this woman ought to be giving those who voted for her some second thoughts. Her salary of over $170,000 per year starting in January of 2019 gives her the ability to acquire a loan. Most self-supporting adults would be familiar with how to obtain such a loan or at least have the sense to walk into a bank, explain their need and show proof of an income adequate to repay the loan.

Video Proves Acosta Lied

This week, CNN’s Jim Acosta lost his White House press pass. The events leading up to this began with his abuse of the press conference’s opportunity to question President Trump live in front of multimedia. Given an opportunity to ask a question Acosta launched into a lecture about how the caravan from Guatemala was not an invasion. Trump attempted to agree to disagree, but Acosta persisted in berating him. Having gone way past a reasonable time with the microphone, Trump asked Acosta to let another member of the media have a turn. Acosta continued to rant and an intern attempted to pass the microphone to someone else.

Afterwards, Acosta maintained that he never touched the young woman. However, a video of the event clearly shows Acosta pushing the intern away. CNN then claimed that “the video must have been doctored because Jim doesn’t lie.”

An incredulous Trump exclaimed “give me a break. CNN is a perpetual fountain of lies when it comes to the news. The demand that their articulated lies ought to refute video evidence to the contrary is absurd.” Technical experts who examined the video concluded that the video didn’t appear to have been altered: “Slowing down the action and zooming in for a close-up is not an alteration. This video technique is often done by CNN itself. To claim in this case that is is an alteration is profoundly dishonest.”

‘Experts’ Say GOP Ad Featuring Cop Killer Unfair

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent New

The unveiling of a new GOP TV ad featuring Luis Bracamontes, an illegal immigrant who was convicted of killing two California deputies in 2014, was declared “unfair” by what the media described as numerous “experts.”

Arizona State University professor Kim Fridkin called it a “scare tactic. Just because some immigrants are murderers doesn’t mean we shouldn’t let them in. After all, some native born Americans are murderers. Does this mean we should kick them out? I think we ought to pay heed to the wisdom of Forrest Gump. A caravan of immigrants is like a box of chocolates—you never know what you’re going to get.”

Mo Elleithee, executive director of Georgetown University’s Institute of Politics and Public Service, labeled the ad “racist. By showing a Latino in such a negative light the ad is unfairly pointing out something that was beyond his control. Mr. Bracamontes is not responsible for being born outside US borders. He is not responsible for the laws the deputies were trying to enforce when he killed them. He is being pilloried for openly expressing his ambition to kill more cops, while his honesty about his feelings is ignored. This is probably one of the lowest blows I’ve ever encountered in a political ad.”

Sen. Jeff Flake (R-Az) called the ad “sickening. Republicans everywhere should denounce it. Trying to blame the open borders policies that I, and many other Republicans, have supported for the crimes committed by the people these policies have let enter the country is no way to bring us together as a nation. The consensus that prevailed during the Obama years is being fractured by Trump’s pig-headed insistence on enforcing the laws currently on the books.”

ABC News political analyst Matt Dowd agreed with Flake, saying that “by callously trying to turn criminals and victims against one another, Trump has foolishly thrown away that hard-won consensus to ‘look the other way’ on the whole illegal immigration issue. It’s no wonder Democrats have been so uncivil in their words and deeds since this man took office.”

Democratic socialist Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez made a bid to contrast this negative Republican message with her own positive one in which she pledged “to smash the reactionary forces that seek to deny American citizens the full benefits of socialism. The white supremacists that want to deny people like Bracamontes the opportunity for a better life must not be allowed to prevail. We must unite all the other races against the whites, knock them out of power, and send them to the back of the line as President Obama urged us to do back in 2009.”

CNN’s Don Lemon argued that “the ad is fundamentally misleading because it is white men who pose the greatest danger to public safety. If Trump were really serious about crime he would be advocating for bans of white men from public spaces instead of scapegoating immigrants who are only committing crimes to support themselves and their families.”

Former Sen. Harry Reid (D-Nev) insists that the ad “has everything backwards. It’s immigrants like Mr. Bracamontes that are the life’s blood of this country. They bring cultural enrichment and energy to this country—energy that we sorely need considering how vain and idle most of the individuals born in America are.”

O’Rourke Campaign Aides Discuss Illegal Aid to Caravan

In one of those Veritas undercover videos, Dominic Chacon, a field manager for the O’Rourke campaign in El Paso, Texas tells Anapaula Themann, a field organizer for the O’Rourke campaign, about his efforts to get supplies to the caravan from Honduras trying to make its way into the United States.

“These are all potential votes for Beto,” Chacon asserted. “We’ve got to do whatever we can to ensure that they get here by election day. They need food and water. Beto has the money to pay for these supplies. We would be letting him down if we don’t get these supplies to them.”

Themann cautioned Chacon, asking him to be more discreet, “we need a good cover story if we want to dodge FEC penalties for illegal campaign expenditures. Let’s say that we are buying supplies for our volunteers who are going door-to-door to get out the vote.”

“That’s not a bad idea,” Chacon replied. “I think we can use the pre-paid cards we’ve got to mask what we’re doing. I’m sure that Jody (Jody Casey, campaign manager for O’Rourke) will be cool with it. She already gave us the ‘thumbs up’ for the aid we’ve been sending the last few weeks.”

Meanwhile, evidence that there is a considerable criminal contingent among the people in the caravan continues to mount. The Department of Homeland Security has already identified 270 caravan participants with criminal convictions for offenses including aggravated assault, armed robbery, and sexual assault on a child or adult female. One of the migrants interviewed on camera said he is coming to the United States in hope of obtaining a pardon on his conviction for attempted murder.

In related news, former CIA Director John Brennan heartily endorsed O’Rourke for Senator: “As a former resident of Texas I am proud to throw my weight behind his candidacy.” Acknowledging that he hasn’t been as vocal as he should be considering the high stakes, Brennan said “Beto is special, he brings out the same passion in me that Gus Hall did in the 1980 election. Both have expressed the same vision for this country.” Gus Hall was the presidential candidate of the US Communist Party in 1972, 1976, 1980 and 1984.

Dems Vow to Punish Opponents of their Warped Ideology

In what she hopes will be a clinching argument for voters to give Democrats the majority needed to control Congress, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (Calif) vowed that “strengthening penalties against those who oppose the LGBT agenda will be a top priority.”

“Our society is stained by continued resistance to the rights of the LGBT community,” Pelosi complained. “We see religious adoption agencies insisting on placing children in homes with both a mother and a father. We see schools that bar boys who see themselves as girls from using the girls locker room. We see small businesses trying to get away with coverage that will pay for a double mastectomy in the case of cancer, but not when a woman wishes to transition to male. These egregious examples of oppression must stop. And I will be leading the fight to compel uniform obedience to the precepts of the LGBT movement.”

Meanwhile, fellow Californian harridan and projected Chairwoman of the House Financial Services Committee in a Democrat-controlled Congress, Rep. Maxine Waters promised “to use every power at my command to pillage the businesses that have been pillaging America. The last two years have demonstrated the evil intentions of the Republicans and their corporate henchmen. I’m telling these folks that payback is going to be a bitch.”

“Republicans would have you believe that the 50-year low in unemployment just reported for October is somehow great for America,” Waters chided. “It’s not. Pushing people into jobs they’d rather not have is slavery. Lives have been overturned as families that used to be able to stay home together and enjoy the good things of life are now splintered as one or more of their members has been dragooned into the workforce. For every regulation Trump repealed we will enact two more. Those tax cuts Trump got passed to cripple government spending will be replaced by 200% tax hikes to make up for the revenues lost. After the Blue Wave sweeps across the country on November 6 all of the bad stuff will be undone and the golden era of the Obama years will be restored.”

DC Takes Step Toward Allowing 16-Year-Olds to Vote

A bill to lower the voting age to 16 for all elections, both local and federal, was approved by the Judiciary and Public Safety committee of the DC City Council by a 3-0 vote. It is now slated for a full Council vote in the very near future.

Council member Charles Allen sought to rebuff critics who contend that people this young don’t have enough real life experience to be informed voters. “They may still live with their parents and haven’t had the burden of supporting themselves, but neither have the legions of welfare recipients who currently vote,” Allen pointed out. “Just because a person is not a contributing member of society doesn’t mean they have no interest in who runs the government. In fact, I’d say that it is precisely because such people are not self-supporting that they have a very strong interest in electing a government that can do the dirty work of extracting resources from those who have in order to redistribute these funds to those who have-not.”

Google Rejects Blackburn Ad

The communications giant rejected a political ad from Tennessee Republican senate candidate Marsha Blackburn because “it shows Democrats in a bad light.” The ad shows Democrat mobs engaged in several incidents of violence and threats of violence. Google did not dispute the truth of the content.

Google CEO Pichai Sundararajan explained that “truth is not a defense against bad manners. Pointing out some else’s faults is not the way to start a beneficial dialog. The criticized party is not usually motivated by criticism to modify his behavior in the direction desired. Rather than allow Ms. Blackburn to waste her money on such a futile objective we are doing what we think will help her in the long run. It is our hope that she will ,learn from this experience and take a more agreeable stance toward those who disagree with her.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

A Few ‘Not Crazy Democrats’ Appeal to Voters

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

With polls showing a close race with her Republican challenger Josh Hawley, Sen. Claire McCaskill (D-Mo) launched a campaign ad aimed at persuading voters that she is “not one of those crazy Democrats. If you look carefully at my record you’ll see that I am a sane Democrat. I haven’t claimed I’m an Indian. I haven’t urged mobs to harass Republicans in public places. And I definitely am not Spartacus.”

“Sure, there’s been a little bit of self-dealing on behalf of my husband, some tax evasion and eviction of a few disabled vets from one of our properties,” the Senator admitted. “But these are the normal, time-tested abuses of office that any long-sitting officeholder might engage in. Most voters have overlooked these peccadilloes as an insufficient reason to oust senators and lose the advantage of the seniority that can help bring more federal aid back to the state.”

A similar pitch was made by Sen. Robert Menendez (D-NJ) in his efforts to fend off a surprisingly competitive Republican adversary Bob Hugin in the deep blue state. New Jersey hasn’t elected a Republican senator since 1972. Nevertheless, the contest between Menendez and Hugin is now rated a tossup.

“I’m a normal Democrat in a long line of Democrats that have represented the state in the US Senate,” Menendez asserts. “First, I have never been convicted of bribery or improper influence peddling. Second, prostitution is legal in the Dominican Republic. Many others, including a former president did the same things my opponent is now trying to single me out for doing. Nothing I did there can fairly be held against me. This is what I want voters to know before they rashly gamble on the inexperienced novice running against me.”

Meanwhile, in the Florida gubernatorial contest, the Democratic candidate, Tallahassee Mayor Andrew Gillum characterized questions about some of the illicit perks he enjoyed as mayor as “racist. They wouldn’t be asking me these questions if I were white. I’m sure that my white predecessors got as much or more than I did, lied about it, and got away with it. The implication that I am somehow uniquely culpable when they were not is a rebirth of the slavery the white man has imposed on black folks for centuries.”

Waters Says Trump Responsible for Political Violence

Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif) demanded that President Trump admit responsibility for the political violence and incivility that has plagued the country since his election.

“We didn’t see people rioting in the streets when Obama was president,” Waters recalled. “And we wouldn’t be seeing it now if Hillary Clinton had been elected as she should’ve been. With Republicans in charge at the White House, the Senate and the House, Democrats were pushed into violence as a last resort.”

The Congresswoman insisted that “this is not aimless violence just for violence’s sake. Our targets aren’t random. We are going after Republicans wherever they may appear in public to let them know that we do not accept them as our governors. We are going after the deplorables who support Trump. We are going after white people who have enslaved and abused minorities since the founding of this country.”

“Trump could put an end to the violence if he would take responsibility, resign, and hand the office over to Sec. Clinton,” Waters suggested. “Given the choice of continued violent opposition vs. the return to civility that she has promised once Democrats are back in charge, that is the only right thing for Trump to do. Every day he insists on staying in office endangers more lives and puts America under more stress. His refusal to do what the resistance demands is unpatriotic.”

A contrary perspective was offered by President Trump who contends that “a big part of what is driving the anger that is degrading civility and provoking violence stems from purposely false and misleading so-called news put out by the mainstream media.”

In related news, the New York Times published a fictional story in which a Secret Service agent assigned to protect President Trump assists a Russian spy to assassinate him. The story was one of a batch of entries the paper solicited from “today’s most talented spy and crime novelists” who were asked to speculate on how Trump’s presidency might end. Times Book Review editor Pamela Paul called the story “the kind of ending most of our readers have been fantasizing about since the night Trump was declared the winner of the 2016 election. We just had to publish it as a reward for our loyal subscribers.”

Bipartisan Support for Open Borders

Two potential 2020 presidential contenders placed their bets on open borders as a winning issue in their expected bids for the office. California Sen. Kamala Harris (D) and Ohio Governor John Kasich (R) both made strong statements in support of the caravan from Guatemala that aims to crash its way into the US by election day 2018.

“America is a welcoming place,” Harris said. “We are, after all, a nation built on immigration. The people in this caravan are just like the people in America. We all want a government that puts food on the table and pays our bills. This is the immigrants’ right as human beings. We have no legitimate or moral authority to exclude them from the bounty the Earth has bestowed on the land we live in. We need to let them in and get them registered to vote so they can democratically protect their human rights.”

Kasich alleges that “God wants us to welcome the caravan. Many of these people have been coerced by criminals to come to America. Thugs threaten them saying ‘if you don’t do what we want, we will rape your daughter or kill your son if he’s not a drug mule.’ Now, they’re all marching north—victims and criminals alike—and it could easily have been all of us. That’s why we have to let them all in.”

Of course, President Trump has been repeatedly excoriated by Democrats and the media for complaining that our open borders allow criminals into the country. While most of the immigrants in the caravan are not criminals, criminals are among them. One migrant in the caravan told Fox News that “criminals are everywhere.” Guatemalan police have rescued some children from human traffickers traveling with the caravan. And some of the migrants stormed in and looted a public market in Chiapas, Mexico.

CNN Says Trump a “White Nationalist”

President Trump’s assertion that he is a “nationalist” inspired CNN reporter Jim Acosta to characterize him as a “white nationalist.” Trump’s remarks were in the context of trying to differentiate his views from those of a globalist, who he argued “is a person that wants the globe to do well, frankly, not caring about our country so much. I’m a nationalist. I want what’s good for America.”

In what Acosta hoped would be a “gotcha moment” at a White House meeting for the press, he pointed out to the President that “saying you’re a nationalist combined with the fact that you’re white makes you a ‘white nationalist.’ Isn’t publicly saying you’re a nationalist another one of your ‘dog whistle’ coded messages to your fascist supporters?”

“You guys at CNN can’t even make up your minds about me,” Trump replied. “Considering all your complaints about me being too blunt and outspoken. Look, I don’t do coded messages. If I want to say something I say it. If I don’t say something it doesn’t mean I secretly said it in code. Why can’t you just report the news without making up all the fake stuff? Jim, just because you have an idea doesn’t mean it’s a good idea. The fact that CNN’s ratings have gone down the drain ought to have clued you in that the bogus crap you are pushing isn’t being swallowed.”

Cash Giveaways to Fight Poverty

Declaring that “it is unfair that whites have more money than minorities,” Sen. Cory (Spartacus) Booker (D-NJ) has concocted a plan to hand wads of cash to “deserving black kids.” Dubbing these giveaways “opportunity accounts,” Booker boasted that “there’s no telling what these young people are capable of doing if only they had the money to do it.”

Under Booker’s scheme minority youths would be eligible for “no strings grants of up to $50,000 they could use for wealth-building purposes. Most of the investment opportunities in the ghetto require cash. We’ll be giving these youngsters cash they could use to buy valuable merchandise for resale in smaller lots, or tools to obtain money from strangers, or to go to college to major in black or LGBTQ studies. The possibilities are virtually limitless.”

The Senator contrasted his plan with “the sterile programs of yesteryear. Unlike the burdensome obligation to pay back money from student or small business loans, these grants are theirs to keep and use as they please. And since many of the business options available will operate in the informal economy where there are no taxes or legal impediments every dollar can be reinvested in their businesses.”

Leftists Express their Ideas on Religious Tolerance

In a speech at a Democratic National Convention event in Philadelphia sponsored by the Boycott, Divest and Sanctions (BDS) movement, the House Armed Services Committee member Rep. Hank Johnson (D-Ga) compared Jewish residents of Judea and Samaria to “termites.”

In New York City, posters calling Christian supporters of President Trump “trash” began appearing attached to city litter baskets. Vito Turo, a spokesman for the city’s Department of Sanitation, hastened to reassure city residents that “we do not condone the unlawful defacement of City litter baskets and have asked the artist who designed these posters to submit them for review and approval before posting any more of them. It is the City’s prerogative to judge the aesthetic merits of any artistic creation that appears in any public place.”

The European Court of Human Rights has ruled that characterizing the Muslim Prophet Muhammed’s marriage to a six-year-old as pedophilia is not protected freedom of speech “because it conflicts with the right of others to have their religious feelings protected. Seeing how passionate Muslims can be when their beliefs are rejected by others, pubic safety requires us to suppress these inflammatory words.”

In Michigan, former Planned Parenthood CEO Cecile Richards told the National Council of Jewish Women’s annual Women of Vision conference that “one of the sweetest moments of my life was working with President Obama to force Christians to fund abortions under the Affordable Care Act. Sticking it to those insufferable Little Sisters of the Poor nuns who wanted to evade their obligation to the state by claiming a phony religious prohibition against taking an innocent life was the high point of my career. Sadly, the Supreme Court undid the progress we’d made by siding with these fanatics. But I have confidence that the next time Democrats control the White House and Congress we will pack the Court with enough correct thinking justices to reverse the recent Court’s error.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Hillary Mulling Another Run for Office

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Former Clinton aide Philippe Reines says the twice unsuccessful presidential candidate is “seriously considering running against Trump in 2020. On the one hand, she’s really disappointed in how voters treated her in 2016. They had their chance to elect the smartest woman in America to be their president, but they blew it. On the other hand, her great love for the country may drive her to once again sacrifice her own personal comfort in one more battle to save the nation from the ravages of the Trump Administration and the Republican Party.”

“She concerned about the Trump agenda of fostering rapid economic growth and opening up more job opportunities—a record 7.14 million at last count—this is more than there are applicants available to fill them,” Reines observed. “This is a cleverly designed scheme to destroy a major Democratic constituency by driving them into the workforce against their will. The prospect of exterminating a way of life that has sustained generations of Democratic voters has led to increasingly violent objections. Rather than see the nation continue to be torn apart by this violence, Hillary feels it may be her patriotic duty to give voters another chance to correct their previous mistakes of not electing her when they had the opportunity in 2008 and 2016.”

“Look at the whole issue of recent mob violence,” Reines suggested. “We didn’t see this kind of thing when Obama was president. Sure, there were some TEA Party protests, but they were ineffectually peaceful. Putting Democrats back in power could reestablish that more pacific relationship between those in and out of power. I think what Hillary is trying to communicate to voters is that we all can have more peace and civility under Democratic rule where the opponents of government policy restrict themselves to legal methods of trying to sway policymakers. Many of the more intellectually aware Republicans recognize this and would willingly trade the chaos spawned by opposition to Trump’s policies for a return to the old ways of across-the-aisle cooperation exemplified by the late Sen. McCain.”

Reines pointed out that “a comeback isn’t as ridiculous as many assume. Hillary is younger than Trump and Joe Biden—two of her likely opponents in 2020—and would have the edge in appealing to younger voters who might like to support someone closer to their own age. I think her message that the nation won’t have civility until Democrats are back in charge in Washington is perfectly in tune with the current mood of the people. Other Democrats like Rep Waters and former Attorney General Holder have grasped the essence of this message, but neither has the eloquence or gravitas that Hillary brings to the table.”

Clinton’s call for Democrats to be uncivil received words of support from her former running mate Sen. Tim Kaine (Virginia) who called for Democrats “to fight in the streets. When we are in the minority in Congress and a Republican is president there are no constitutional means for advancing our cause other than the First Amendment right to assemble and make our grievances known by, as Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer urged, ‘any means necessary.’”

In a related statement about Democratic Party values, the Allegheny County Democrat Party in Pennsylvania fired recently hired Executive Director Mark Salvas for “making statements that don’t reflect the Party’s values or the message it is trying to convey to voters.” Salvas’ offensive statement: “I stand for the flag, I kneel for the cross.”

Breaks Start to Go Beto’s Way in Texas Senate Race

This week Democratic candidate for the Texas US Senate Beto O’Rourke got a major boost when former Mexican President Vicente Fox endorsed him over his GOP rival Sen. Ted Cruz. Fox pleaded with Texas voters to back O’Rourke, saying “it’s the only way to ensure that the f*cking wall is never built. The path must remain open for Mexicans to enter Texas and reverse the land-grab perpetrated in 1836.”

Meanwhile, the Hollywood glitterati is all atwitter over the aspiring would-be senator. Danny Deraney, a Hollywood publicist, said “I haven’t seen such excitement about a candidate since Obama was running. Despite the fact that he is white, Beto has the same kind of boyish Irish charm that the Kennedys had. LeBron James, Ellen DeGeneres, Tony Dungy and Stephen King are just a few of megastars that have endorsed him. Steve Kerr, the coach of the NBA’s Golden State Warriors has gone even further and suggested a Beto O’Rourke-Gregg Popovich (coach of the NBA’s San Antonio Spurs) Democratic ticket for the 2020 presidential election. If Beto was running in California he’d be a shoo-in. It may be tougher in Texas, but the voters there would be fools to not want this cutie pie as their senator.”

O’Rourke was also buoyed by polls showing him way ahead with millennial voters. An informal canvas of O’Rourke supporters at Texas A&M found no one who could name any accomplishment or substantive basis for electing him. One respondent insisted this, by itself, was the best reason for sending him to the senate, insisting that “the lack of accomplishments leaves more room for an upside. He’s like a ‘blank slate’ who can be whoever we want him to be.”

In a bid to solidify the millennial vote, O’Rourke argued that “sending me to the Senate would make impeaching Trump more efficient. I will still be in the House of Representatives from November to early January where I could vote on Articles of Impeachment. After that I would be in the Senate where I could vote to convict. This gives Texas voters two shots at ousting the usurper for the price of one vote. No other candidate offers a comparable payoff to his voters.”

A potential “ace-in-the-hole” for the O’Rourke campaign may be the voter registration cards the Democratic Party has been sending to illegal immigrants with a pre-printed “yes” in the citizenship box and a return postage-paid envelope addressed to state election officials. On top of this, his campaign has raised $60 million—three times the size of previous winning campaign war chests.

Senator Touts DNA Proof of Cherokee Heritage

This week, Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) made a big show of unveiling results of a DNA test she asserted “proves my Cherokee heritage” and demanded “an apology and a million dollars” from President Trump, who had previously offered the sum for proof of the Senator’s Indian heritage.

Observers from various segments of the political spectrum were not as impressed as Warren had anticipated. The test was conducted by a personal friend, not an independent lab. No Cherokee DNA was involved in the test, samples from Mexico and Peru were used instead. The results indicated that the range of possible relationship between Warren and Mexicans and/or Peruvians was between 1.5% on the high side to 0.1% (one-tenth of a percent) on the low side. Inasmuch as the average American of European descent has about 0.2% DNA traced to pre-Columbus inhabitants of the Americas, Warren’s claim to be a Cherokee is not well-supported by the evidence.

Cherokee Nation Secretary of State Chuck Hoskin Jr. called Warren’s test “useless as a method of proving cultural affiliation with the Cherokees or any other tribe in North or South America. Senator Warren has not lived as a Cherokee for any part of her life. Instead, she has used a bogus claim of affinity to dishonestly advance her academic and political careers. This disrespects genuine members of our tribe.”

MSNBC Political Analyst Zerlina Maxwell characterized the Cherokee response as “racist. The idea that you have to be a Cherokee in order to claim to be a Cherokee is closed-minded. It’s the same kind of thinking that says if you’re born male you can’t legitimately claim to be female or vice versa. That’s just wrong. Every person must be free to declare themselves to be whoever they want to be. Everyone else should be required to take that person’s word for it. That Sen. Warren was hounded into a desperate attempt to corroborate her claim is a massive step backward from the new way of thinking that President Obama tried to impose on the country.”

US CO2 Emissions Plummet

U.S. greenhouse gas emissions fell 2.7% during the first year of the Trump Administration. At the same time, global greenhouse emissions rose. In the European Union these emissions rose by 1.5%. In France they rose by 2%. Emissions in China and India are also believed to have risen by even larger amounts, but these countries are exempt under the Paris Accord and do not have to keep statistics on air quality.

Rather than appreciating America’s progress, environmental interest groups have been critical. Sierra Club executive director Michael Brune refused to credit the Trump Administration for any of the US emission reductions “because not only has Mr. Trump pulled the US out of the Paris Accord, he openly voices his skepticism on global warming. Regardless of the ‘on-the-ground’ positive results, clearly his head is not in the right place. That is why we’re telling everyone to vote Democrat in the upcoming elections. We simply must get right-thinking people into positions of power if we hope to reverse the economic growth that is destroying the planet. Only when the vast majority of humanity is forced to lead a simpler lifestyle free from modern conveniences and long lives can we succeed in removing the human virus infects nature.”

EPA acting Administrator Andrew Wheeler, in contrast, lauded the emissions progress made last year. “The main point of improving the environment is to make the Earth a better place for humans and other life forms,” Wheeler argued. “Rational approaches that can generate cleaner air and more prosperity are the kind of win-win situations that will enjoy a broad base of support from the American people. The evidence shows that so far, we are on the right track.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Dems Vow Incivility Until They Are Returned to Power

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

This week twice-failed presidential candidate Hillary Clinton urged the Democratic mob to continue their efforts to intimidate and harass the Party’s opponents “until Democrats are restored to power.” President Obama’s former Attorney General Eric Folder seconded Clinton’s remarks calling them “the kind of tough stance we need to ram our message into the skulls of the American voter.”

Holder explicitly rejected former First Lady Michelle Obama’s advice that Democrats “should take the high road,” saying that “the time for polite debate has long since passed. We need more people like Jordan Hunt to take our fight for social justice into the streets.”

Jordan Hunt is the Canadian who was videotaped kicking Marie-Claire Bissonnette, an antiabortion protester sitting on the pavement at a demonstration in Toronto on September 23. Hunt tried to justify his assault by alleging “I was trying to kick the phone she was using to videotape me when I tore up her posters. I was a bit off target and ended up kicking her shoulder. But it wasn’t a total miss because her phone went flying and I did manage to tear her anti-abortion button off before I fled the scene. It’s my bad luck that her video survived and led police to me.”

Sen. Mazie Hirono (D-HI) disputed Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell’s characterization of the insane ranting that has become the signature style of the Democratic Party as “mob tactics.” “You are underestimating us,” she warned. “We are no mere mob. We are the vanguard of the progressive revolution that will smash the reactionary elements who oppose our struggle to transform this country into a people’s republic. History has shown that the righteous wrath of the oppressed to be an irresistible force. In the end, the Grand Old Party will be as unable to stop us as the grand old tsar was unable to stop Lenin.”

Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif) blamed the Republicans for the rise of Democrat mobs. “They’re the ones who refuse to give us what we want,” Waters pointed out. “We wouldn’t have to be getting in their faces, hounding them, scaring them, and driving them from public places if they weren’t successfully resisting our demands. We didn’t used to have to take things so far. It used to be that Republicans would grumble a little bit and then give in. But with Trump egging them on they’ve morphed into a different animal that now requires more extreme methods if we want the revolution to succeed.”

“We’ve seen how the Republicans have abused their power since they stole the 2016 election from me,” Clinton asserted. “They rammed through a tax cut that has deprived the government of sorely needed resources and left that money in the hands of ignorant and selfish anti-government corporations and individuals. And Trump is nominating exclusively conservative judges and the GOP-controlled Senate is confirming them despite the serious allegations our Party has made against them. These are blows aimed at thwarting the changes President Obama promised voters. Democrats can’t be expected to accept these abuses without fighting back by whatever means are necessary.”

Meanwhile, some insight into the type of “civility” we might expect from an ascendant Democratic Party was provided by a Google briefing book titled The Good Censor. The book admits that Google has taken upon itself the responsibility of policing civility by censoring non-conforming views. Pichai Sundararajan, chief executive officer of Google, explained “when people share a common belief system there are fewer grounds for disagreement and fewer opportunities for uncivil interactions. By filtering out and suppressing the viewpoint outliers we are promoting the kind of unanimity that is conducive to a more civil society.”

In related news, a coven of witches has announced plans to cast a hex on newly appointed Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh during an occult ritual to be held on October 20 in New York City. The event is being sponsored by Catland Books—“Brooklyn’s premiere occult bookshop.” Fifty percent of the funds raised by the event will go charity—25% to a homeless shelter and help center for LGBTQ youth and 25% to Planned Parenthood “in honor of the heroic actions of Jordan Hunt on behalf of our cause.”

Fusion GPS Founder to Take 5th

Amid a rising tide of evidence implicating his firm in a conspiracy to rig the 2016 presidential election and the subsequent post-election attempted deep-state coup, Fusion GPS founder Glenn Simpson says he will invoke his Fifth Amendment right against self-incrimination if Congress insists that he testify before the House Judiciary Committee.

Working at the behest of the Hillary Clinton presidential campaign, Fusion GPS paid former British spy Christopher Steele to compile a dossier of unverified salacious allegations that was meant to torpedo Trump’s chances of winning the 2016 election. When the dossier failed to produce the desired election outcome it was then used by corrupt elements in the Department of Justice and FBI to bamboozle the FISA Court to approve covert surveillance of the new president. The dossier also served as the source of “news” stories planted with co-conspiring media in the hope that it would produce public outrage against President Trump.

For his part, Simpson maintains that “I was responding to a higher loyalty than mere observance of obscure statutory law. I see no reason to stick my neck into the noose being prepared by Republicans who are now trying to use those laws against me. If they want to prosecute me they’ll have to do it without my help.”

Lawyers for Simpson complain that “it is clear that the goal of the House Committee is to discredit the painstakingly constructed story of Trump-Russia collusion that our client and his associates compiled in their patriotic effort to spare the country from the nightmarish Trump Administration. That story is Glenn Simpson’s truth. He has a right to be believed until the Committee or some other party can conclusively prove it to be untrue.”

Media Disses Kanye West for Meeting with Trump

Stumped by what they regard as “an inexplicable deviation from everything we’ve come to believe about race in America,” talking heads at MSNBC and CNN were at a loss for how to explain the friendly relationship between rapper musician Kanye West and President Donald Trump during their meeting to discuss prison reform.

CNN’s Don Lemon said “West’s notion that he could persuade Trump to take him seriously is a betrayal of his race. Every sane black person knows that hatred is the only acceptable attitude to have when it comes to Trump. Even if West does get Trump to adopt some of his ideas that would only strengthen this arch enemy of America’s minorities. The best I think West can hope for is to become the token negro of the Trump Administration.”

CNN political commentator Bakari Sellers augmented Lemon’s take, saying “Kanye West is what happens when Negros don’t read. All the authentic black intellectuals have written reams of material explaining why blacks need to stay with the Party that has enabled generations of our people to receive trillions of dollars in welfare benefits. West’s idea that his path of success through hard work can be replicated is unrealistic.”

Over at MSNBC, Stephanie Ruhle called President Trump’s meeting with West an “assault on our White House. This is the house where President Obama struggled for eight years to tear down the capitalist system that West now wants to save for his own selfish satisfaction. He is thinking for himself rather than standing with his brothers and sisters in solidarity with the progressive cause.”

Dem Bill to Limit Health Options Fails

A bill aimed at preventing consumers from choosing health insurance plans that better fit their needs was introduced in the Senate by Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY). If passed, the bill would overrule President Trump’s executive order expanding options beyond the limited list of expensive choices mandated under Obamacare.

Schumer complained that “the freedom President Trump injected into federal health care policy allows healthy individuals to choose insurance that is suited to their own needs, regardless of the needs of other, less healthy individuals. As Trump would have it, people who don’t want to pay for coverage they don’t need can do so. This violates the essential premise of President Obama’s health care vision, namely, that everyone should pay for everyone else’s health insurance. He was wise enough to realize that only by compelling the majority to pay for what they don’t want can the government guarantee that everyone gets the health care that experts agree they ought to have.”

The Senator also argued that “Trump’s approach poses a significant threat to the health care industry. Expensive Obamacare plans cover expensive treatments that hospitals and pharmaceutical companies depend upon for their income. These companies are virtually unanimous in their support for Obamacare. Are we going to listen to the best and brightest when it comes to crafting policy? Or are we going to let Trump’s misguided reverence for individualistic ideals destroy President Obama’s socially responsible conception of how we ought to do things?”

Even moderate Republicans rejected Schumer’s arguments. Sen. Lamar Alexander (R-Tenn) pointed out that “the plans authorized by President Trump allow those not enamored of nanny-state compulsion to make their own choices.” Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky) said “our constituents deserve more options, not fewer.” Schumer’s bill narrowly failed on a 50-50 tie vote. That’s how thin a margin there is for freedom in the upper house of Congress.

Hillary Says Allegations Against Bill Were Different

In an interview with CNN’s Christiane Amanpour former First Lady Hillary Clinton explained the difference between the sexual allegations made against her husband and those made against Donald Trump.

“First of all, Bill was thoroughly investigated,” she reminded. “There was forensic evidence of his semen on Monica’s dress. So it wasn’t just a ‘he said, she said’ type of case. Second, at the time many women publicly stated that they would gladly service Bill out of gratitude for his support of abortion. Third, the media didn’t make a big deal out of it. They realized he was doing a bang-up job as president and were willing to grant forgiveness for his peccadilloes.”

“Contrast that with Trump’s situation,” she went on. “There is no forensic evidence, but there are plenty of clues that have yet to be investigated. On the Access Hollywood tape we have Trump bragging about grabbing women’s private parts. In the Steele dossier there is a report of Trump paying prostitutes to urinate on a hotel bed. And Stormy Daniels says the two of them had consensual sex while Trump was married to Melania.”

“When you get right down to it, Trump looks pretty wimpy compared to Bill,” Hillary maintained. “Bill was daring. Bill wouldn’t take ‘no’ for an answer. I think voters respected him for that and reelected him many times as governor of Arkansas and again as president. To me, that is as clear an exoneration as a person could expect in this country. I would’ve gotten a similar exoneration if voters hadn’t been duped by Trump. Fortunately, I did get a consolation exoneration from the FBI.”

UK Government Eyeing Pizza Regulations

In a move to combat what it calls an “obesity epidemic,” Public Health England (PHE) is crafting rules to limit the size and number of toppings on pizzas. Dr Alison Tedstone, PHE chief nutritionist, promised that “our efforts will go beyond merely requiring restaurants to add healthier options to their menus. The real problem in our view is that customers could still choose unwisely. If we strictly control what can be offered we can eliminate unhealthy choices so that the consumer cannot make an unwise choice.”

Public Health Minister Steve Brine said the Government was “willing to do whatever it takes to keep children healthy and well in this country. If that means dictating what they can and cannot eat, then so be it. Ideally, this should be their parents’ job, but too many of them are themselves obese and blind to the risks of overeating.”

“Hopefully, we can get the number of calories per individual pizza down to no more than 695,” Brine said. “That’s about 70% pf the amount in a typical unregulated pie.” Asked what would prevent customers from simply buying an additional pizza, the Minister replied that “we are relying on the inconvenience factor combined with the general lethargy of our youth to minimize this risk. If that proves insufficient we are prepared to back it up by surveillance and surprise raids to deter attempts to evade the intent of the rules.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Dem Senators Reject Results of Investigation They Demanded

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

After reaching an agreement with Sen. Jeff Flake (R-Az) to a one-week FBI effort to corroborate the testimony of Dr. Christine Blasey Ford alleging that somewhere at some time during her teen years a teen-aged Brett Kavanaugh sexually assaulted her, Senate Democrats rejected the findings.

Ranking member of the Senate Judiciary Committee Diane Feinstein (D-Calif) called the FBI probe “incomplete. All they did was confirm that the witnesses named by Dr. Ford could not corroborate her story. They did not interview the hundreds of Kavanaugh’s high school and college classmates who may have known something of events that might or might not have taken place during the tumultuous decade of the 1980s. In his testimony Judge Kavanaugh admitted to liking beer. The FBI neglected to probe further the magnitude of this love for this alcoholic beverage and whether it may have led to behavior inappropriate for a future judge.”

Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) lamented that “our fears have been realized. Rather than embarking on a broad investigatory probe like Special Counsel Mueller has, the FBI was limited to the scope agreed upon by the Flake-Coons compromise. For all we know, Kavanaugh could’ve been involved in the Russian meddling with the 2016 election, or have cheated on his taxes, or have at one time or another known someone who had. This chain of events vindicates my initial inclination to oppose anyone that Donald Trump nominates to any high office.”

Senate Judiciary Committee member Cory Booker (D-NJ) brushed aside the lack of corroboration, saying “at this point, whether Kavanaugh is guilty or innocent is no longer relevant. Maybe the Judge is an honorable man, but so many questions have been raised that if he were he would’ve already stepped down. That he hasn’t convinces me that he is the wrong man for the job.”

Sen. Chris Coons (D-Del) acknowledged that “the FBI report does, technically, meet the terms of what Sen. Flake and I agreed to, but at this point, the accuracy of Dr. Ford’s allegations is irrelevant. My biggest objection to Kavanaugh is his ill-tempered objection to being smeared. It is one thing for us senators to launch scurrilous attacks. That is part of the give-and-take of politics. It is quite another for a would-be Supreme Court Justice to vociferously object. No other nominee, with the possible exception of Justice Thomas, has exhibited such ill-temper toward senators at a confirmation hearing. At this point, Kavanaugh is damaged goods. Can anyone now doubt that his anger at us might influence his decisions in a partisan way going forward?”

After a reporter reminded him that current Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg has engaged in partisan remarks regarding election campaigns, Coons said “that proves my point. If a Justice who was confirmed in a bipartisan 96-3 vote would step over the line it seems even more of a risk that a Justice almost unanimously opposed by all Democrats and savaged by many of them might be significantly dissuaded to buy arguments on behalf of the partisan interests and issues favored by Democrats in cases heard at the Court. Clearly, that ought to disqualify him.”

Meanwhile, Oregon Democratic Sen. Jeff Merkley’s quixotic bid to have a court block a Senate vote on Kavanaugh’s confirmation was dealt a setback by Republican Major Leader Mitch McConnell’s determination to press ahead with a vote by Saturday. In his original lawsuit, Judge Amy Berman Jackson of the federal district court in Washington, DC had set next Tuesday to hear arguments. Merkley is now asking Berman for an injunction to bar a vote until his suit can be heard. “With the White House and both houses of Congress in Republican hands, the courts are the last hope for preserving the Democratic agenda,” Merkley pointed out. “If Kavanaugh is confirmed this weekend the progressive movement’s last bastion may be lost for decades. Judge Jackson was appointed by President Obama. Surely, she must recognize that the prescribed Constitutional separation of powers cannot be allowed to stymie her much needed intervention.”

Leftist Threats over Kavanaugh Proliferate

Democratic Senators aren’t the only ones behaving badly in the Kavanaugh confirmation process. Planned Parenthood sent out a tweet warning saying “Roses are red. Violets are blue. Vote NO on #Kavanaugh or else we’re coming for you.”

Dawn Laguens, Executive Vice President of the organization, justified the vague threat, saying that “preservation of the sacred right of abortion is essential to the health of the women’s movement. Anyone who will not commit to upholding this right against all challenges or limitations is an enemy of the movement. Enemies should expect to be attacked.”

Laguens reserved “a very special contempt” for Sen. Susan Collins (R-Maine) who announced her support of Kavanaugh on Friday afternoon. “For years we’ve backed her as a solid vote for abortion only to see her put some cockeyed allegiance to ‘due process’ and ‘evidence’ ahead of believing women who tell their rape stories. She has gone over to the dark side and must be punished for her betrayal.”

Democratic congressional staffer Jackson Cosko was caught “doxxing”–publishing the home addresses of Republican Senators Mike Lee, Orrin Hatch of Utah and Lindsey Graham. The publication of such information allows fanatics easier access to harass or attack these individuals.

Cosko had been working for Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Tex) but was fired after his arrest. Cosko, who describes himself as a “Democratic political professional with cybersecurity expertise,” complained he is being “made the scapegoat. Sen. Schumer said we would take down Kavanaugh by any means necessary. I did what I thought it was my duty to do given my computer savvy and commitment to the revolution. Since I was only carrying out the will of the Party’s leader I should have the same immunity he has.”

Porn lawyer and early front-runner for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination Michael Avenatti boasted that “I have the names of dozens of new accusers that the FBI and Senate failed to include in their process. Not only will I be feeding out these accusations to the media one-by-one between now and 2020, but once I am elected president I will pack the court with people more in tune with the wishes of the voters. I will put an end to the stilted system where justice positions are reserved for lawyers and judges and balance out the codgers and hags that have dominated the Court with true tribunes of the people—people like Julie Swetnick and Deborah Ramirez, whose heroic efforts to derail the Kavanaugh appointment show them to be individuals of extraordinary merit—just the kind needed to transform this hoary institution.”

At the University of Texas, Austin an angry anti-Kavanaugh mob disrupted a peaceful demonstration by the Young Conservatives of Texas (YCT) in support of the Judge’s confirmation—tearing up their signs, chanting f*ck YCT, and attempting to intimidate them. An ad hoc leader of the mob explained “there are some views that don’t deserve the privilege of being heard. It is our right as the vanguard of the progressive transformation initiated by President Obama to fight the dissemination of anti-social ideas by whatever means necessary.”

At the University of Southern California 100 students demanded that Professor James Moore be fired for responding to a broadcast email urging students to “believe survivors.” Moore’s reply noting that “accusers sometimes lie” and advocating a stronger appreciation of “due process” enraged these students.

The school’s Dean Jack Knott called Moore’s email “extremely inappropriate, hurtful, insensitive” and promised to “convene a faculty meeting to discuss the appropriate steps needed to combat the type of bias exhibited by Professor Moore. What he said is not what our school represents.”

For his part, Moore expressed remorse, hoping that might save the job he’s held for 30 years. “It was never my intention to hurt anyone,” he said. “I guess I’ve been reviewing so many cases of kangaroo justice when it comes to unsubstantiated allegations ruining the college careers of too many students to be adequately sensitive to the feelings of those who think that allegations must be believed unless the accused can conclusively prove they are untrue. For that I am deeply sorry and will correct my thinking on this issue if I’m given a second chance.”

Georgetown Professor C. Christine Fair declared that “white Republican men deserve miserable deaths while feminists laugh as they take their last gasps” for supporting Kavanaugh (who she slandered by calling a “serial rapist”) and that “their corpses should be castrated and fed to swine.” Georgetown University said Fair’s views “fit within the school’s guidelines. We do not prohibit ideas, even when those ideas may be difficult, controversial or objectionable. The University is a place where the free and open discussion of the evils inflicted throughout history by while males must be protected from criticism.”

Nadler Vows “Real” Investigation

Contending the “the Senate has grossly failed to carry out its advise and consent responsibilities in the Kavanaugh matter,” Rep. Jerrold Nadler (D-NY) vowed that “when I’m chairman of the House Judiciary Committee after the elections we will reopen the investigation. For one, I think Mr. Avenatti has come forward with some pretty interesting possibilities.”

Nadler says he “will be filing for a subpeona requiring FBI Director Wray to handover all relevant documents and testify under oath” and promised that “unlike the namby-pamby Republicans, I won’t take no for an answer. Ultimately, even if we can’t impeach Kavanaugh we can create enough suspicion to make his life a living hell. This, I think, will send a stern message to Trump that his days of getting his way in anything that requires congressional acquiescence are over.”

In order for Nadler to make good on his promise Democrats will have to win enough seats to gain a majority in the House. While the prospects of this happening have recently been put in doubt by the over-the-top behavior of so many Senate Democrats, Nadler expressed confidence that “my announcement today will reverse the tide. Once voters know that I will be the one in charge if they vote Democrat our Party’s victory is assured.”

Former Clinton advisor and CNN political commentator Paul Begala echoed Nadler’s confidence. “Once the GOP-controlled Senate votes to confirm Kavanaugh women are going to be furious! They’ll turn out in droves to vote Democrat while Republican men, satisfied with Kavanaugh’s nomination, will stay home and watch football instead of voting.” A possible flaw in Begala’s vision is that there are no football games on election day.

California Mandates Adding Women to Corp Boards

The California Legislature passed, and Gov. Jerry Brown signed, a new law requiring that every corporation located in the state have at least one female board member by the end of 2019 and three by the end of 2021.

Democrat State Senator Hannah-Beth Jackson, author of the legislation, asserted that the new requirement “will make businesses more successful. Everyone knows that women are smarter than men. Requiring that they be given more leadership roles will inject a greater degree of raw intelligence into corporate decision-making.”

The legislation is modeled on similar laws in Norway and France. “If a pair of the leading economies in the world have the good sense to compel this restructuring we don’t want to risk falling behind the curve,” Jackson argued.

Gov. Brown admitted there could be some risks to the state’s economy, but ventured that “sometimes you have to do the right thing regardless of the consequences. Could some corporations leave the state? Yes, but it wouldn’t be the first time this has happened. Our high tax rates have spurred many to relocate to other states. If we can survive that, surely the lesser irritation of requiring a few females be appointed to boards of directors ought not to have much impact.”

Brown also cited a broader rationale and suggested that “there may be forces at work to mitigate the actual process. We already recognize the right of men to declare themselves to be female or gender-fluid and enter women’s locker rooms and toilets. They could do the same in order to meet the new requirement for female board members. I mean, if we can get used to an anatomically male female showering in the ladies’ locker room we should be able to get used to them in the corporate board room.”

As an example of his reasoning, Brown observed that “Angelos Sofocleous, assistant editor of the Durham University philosophy journal Critique, was recently fired for asking ‘is it a crime to say women don’t have penises?’ In our modern way of thinking, the answer is yes. This realization lights the way to men currently on corporate boards saving their jobs by coming out of the closet and admitting they are transgender. So, I think California is, once again, taking on the role of trailblazer when it comes to social innovations.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.

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