Obama Hails Economic Progress During His Administration

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnIn his speech at the Democratic Convention President Obama contended that “by so many measures, our country is stronger and more prosperous than it was when we started.” Unfortunately, a number of key statistics seem to contradict that assessment. There are 3 million more people in poverty. Household incomes for those in the bottom 20 percent declined. Nearly 9 million more individuals are receiving food stamps. And 14 million have left the workforce.

Press Secretary Josh Earnest insisted that “these statistics need to be properly interpreted. Before we leap to a hasty conclusion that the president’s policies have been ineffective let’s consider what has really taken place. A mere increase in the number of persons below the poverty line is not a clear indication that they suffering. In our country, people below the poverty line are provided with amenities—like air-conditioned apartments, cable TV, and cell phones—that even the so-called middle class in other countries lack.”

Why should we worry about earned incomes declining when the benefits offered by government are so generous?” Earnest asked. “Isn’t the fact that people get to consume more important than whether they can afford to pay for it? Isn’t the fact that more Americans are overweight than ever a sign that the increase in food stamps is a success? And don’t get me started on the millions who have left the workforce. Surely being able to live without having a job is a step forward in human civilization. The gains in leisure have got to far outstrip any assumed loss of dignity from becoming dependent on others.”

In related news, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) sought to explain polls showing low levels of support for Hillary among non-college educated men as “evidence of a failure to accept their logical role in the social collective. Men are endowed with greater physical strength than women. Those of them who have not proved their intellectual fitness to lead must expect to bear the burden of toil befitting their strength for the greater good of the whole. Of the two major party candidates only Hillary understands this and can be counted upon to take the steps needed to implement it.”

Democrats Accuse Trump of Treason

The Wikileaks release of 20,000 Democratic National Committee emails show how Party officials rigged the presidential primary campaign to favor Hillary Clinton over Sen Bernie Sanders (S-Vt) confirmed what many have suspected for the last six months. DNC Chair Rep. Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (Fla) was quick to initiate a narrative blaming Russia for hacking into the DNC’s server.

That a foreign government with a long-running enmity to America could so easily break into confidential computer files of the Democratic Party is a matter of serious concern,” she alleged. “The public exposure of our private communications could influence the outcome of the November election. Such an invasion into a political process that is none of their business will not be forgotten.”

GOP presidential nominee Donald Trump called Wasserman-Schultz’s concerns “belated and self-serving. As I recall, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was recently reprimanded by the FBI for ‘extraordinary carelessness’ in her handling of classified government information on a non-secure computer. The odds that that server was hacked are extremely high. Foreign governments and criminals could have gotten a hold of sensitive information that could be used to the detriment of this country.”

While professing no knowledge of who might have done the hacking, Trump suggested that “the Russians or whoever might be responsible should look for the 30,000 emails Hillary says she deleted.” Sen Claire McCaskill (D-Missouri) immediately labeled Trump’s suggestion “treason. Encouraging a foreign power to break into potentially classified communications violates the Logan Act.”

Trump Campaign Manager Paul Manafort called MacCaskill’s remarks “telling. According to Mrs. Clinton, the 30,000 missing emails were all of a personal nature and not part of the business of the State Department. That is how she justified deleting them despite her statutory obligation to turn over all her correspondence. Wouldn’t the publication of those emails by Russia or whoever may have them vindicate Hillary’s dubious contention?”

Clinton Campaign Manager Robbie Mook argued that “the exposure of personal emails could still be an embarrassment. As we have seen from the publication from the DNC hack, emails with derogatory, demeaning, and insensitive content could be just as damaging as actual security breeches. Anything that could contribute to undermining respect for a prospective commander-in-chief is, in my opinion, treasonous.”

Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) suggested that Trump’s remarks “disqualify him as a candidate. That he would side with hackers and encourage them to expose a great American’s ‘dirty laundry,’ so to speak raises genuine questions regarding his loyalty to this country. Even if he thinks Secretary Clinton is a rat, she is our rat. Coming together to support one another is every patriot’s obligation. Submerging our differences in pursuit of a unified collective whole is the sacrifice we all must make for the greater good.”

Reid went on to advise that Trump be given fake national security briefings in order to “keep the nation’s most precious secrets from this unworthy individual and to set him up for future campaign gaffes that will ensure his defeat in November.”

Rep. David Cicilline (D-RI) seconded Reid’s proposal in a letter to President Obama. “A mindless adherence to the tradition of briefing both major candidates must not be allowed to block a sensible tool for ensuring a favorable outcome at the ballot box,” Cicilline wrote.

In related news, the DNC issued a letter of apology to Sen. Sanders for “shafting you during the primaries,” but urged him to “shake it off. Many athletic contests are marred by errant calls by umpires or referees, but the results are never overturned.” Sanders was advised to “wait until ‘next season’ to mount a campaign to rectify this injustice.”

Clinton Campaign Disses Idea of Press Conferences

One tradition that has been notably absent from Hillary Clinton’s campaign for the presidency has been press conferences where the media are invited to query the candidate.

We’ll have a press conference when we want to have a press conference,” Clinton pollster Joel Benenson said on ABC News this past week. “Our candidate is under no legal obligation to answer to the press. We will control what is said to whom and when it will be said. We acknowledge that this may be inconvenient from the media’s perspective, but they’ll just have to bear with it.”

Benenson also pointed out that “it’s not like the media is going to switch sides over this. More than 90% of them are with us on the issues. In a way, the lack of press conferences let’s them off the hook. The effort they’d have to go to in order to appear even-handed has got to be stressful for them. By carefully controlling the exposition of our candidate’s message we can all arrive at our commonly agreed upon destination with a minimum of fuss.”

Trump Places Competence Ahead of Compassion

Vice-President Joe Biden explained the difference between a Clinton and a Trump administration in a raucous speech to the Democratic National Convention, contending that Trump’s catchphrase from his Apprentice reality show “’you’re fired,’ reveals a gaping existential chasm between Democrats and Republicans.”

Just because a person can’t handle a job doesn’t mean he doesn’t need that job,” Biden pointed out. “Yet, Trump would callously cast employees aside based merely upon performance. Is this the kind of man we want to place at the head of our government?”

In contrast, our nominee has the compassion to understand that competence is not the most important attribute we should seek from an employee,” Biden said. “The right frame of mind and the commitment to a shared social goal is far more valuable than whether an individual can get a job done. We can always add more employees if those we have on hand lack the skills needed to complete tasks.”

To those concerned that a “compassionate” approach might result in a bloated bureaucracy, Biden asked “would it really be better to cast the so-called ‘dead wood’ out into the street? We are a rich country. We can easily afford keeping loyal civil servants on the payroll. I shudder to think what might have become of me had a harsh demand for performance been applied to me. Democratic voters have spared me the ignominy of finding out. By electing Hillary voters will spare millions of government employees from finding out.”

Democratic VP nominee Urges Voters to Trust Hillary Clinton

Freshly nominated Democratic Party candidate for vice-president Sen Tim Kaine took up the delicate issue of whether voters could afford to trust running mate Hillary Clinton.

We’ve heard that her use of an insecure non-government computer server for her emails was too risky,” Kaine recounted. “We’ve heard that her neglect of security for the Benghazi Consulate was a dereliction of duty. We’ve heard FBI Director James Comey characterize her handling of classified information as ‘extraordinarily careless.’ We’ve seen that she lied on numerous occasions in efforts to conceal her illegal and dangerous behavior. However, I am asking voters to look past these mistakes and elect her president.”

Naturally, many will wonder how they can be expected to ignore these seemingly serious shortcomings,” Kaine said. “Well, let’s look at the biggest decision she’s had to make since sewing up the nomination. Out of all the people she could have chosen as her running mate, she chose me. The brilliance of this one decision should blow away all fear that she can’t be trusted to wisely govern. She had the integrity to bypass the obvious choice of naming rival Bernie Sanders as her VP. She had the guts not to latch on to the easy option of putting two-time VP Joe Biden on the ticket. She picked me. Since I know what a swell guy I am and what a great job I could do as president should the need arise, I am persuaded that voters can put their trust in her as president.”

John Kerry Reaches New Height of Idiocy

Secretary of State John Kerry reached a new height of idiocy this past week by suggesting air conditioners were just as dangerous as ISIS. The remarks came in Vienna where Kerry was representing the US in negotiations aimed at reducing emissions that contribute to global warming.

Granted, the terror attacks carried out by these misguided individuals are splashy,” Kerry observed. “Dozens die and even more are maimed and injured, but the fact is that these effects are small-scale and of limited duration and consequence. We easily overlook some of the offsetting benefits. The people killed cease to be carbon emitters. This has a salutary impact on global temperatures.”

In contrast, air-conditioning is much vaster in scope and impact,” Kerry explained. “It’s a habit too many people have fallen into out of a selfish pursuit of their own comfort. Breaking this cycle is of greater urgency than our efforts to mitigate terror attacks.”

Despite the professed greater threat posed by air conditioning, the Secretary brushed aside suggestions that AC units at the State Department be turned off as an example to others. “The comfort of those of us charged with the responsibility to lead this country cannot be sacrificed in a quixotic attempt to model exemplary behavior,” Kerry said. “Discomfort needs to be apportioned according to the importance, or lack thereof, of those being asked to endure it.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Obama Says Trump’s Perception of America Skewed

 By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnPresident Obama took issue with Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump’s portrayal of a country in crisis, calling it “dangerously skewed from reality.”

By highlighting a few incidents of terrorist attacks Mr. Trump overlooks the fact that only a small minority of people die at the hands of these misguided individuals,” Obama asserted. “The reality is that the vast majority of people in this country still die of old age. A more sensible approach was voiced by French Prime Minister Manuel Valls who calmly advised that we learn to live with these attacks.”

Trump’s call for ‘law and order’ undermines my Administration’s efforts to seek a more equitable balance in our penal system,” the President complained. “His narrow focus on apprehending and punishing perpetrators of crimes would have a racially disparate impact on minorities. It completely ignores the crimes committed against Blacks during slavery that went unpunished and lets the descendants of those criminals escape retribution. Ideally, this retribution should come from the government, but can we really blame those tired of waiting for the government to take action?”

Then there’s all his harping about the suffering of the middle class,” Obama added. “The middle class doesn’t appreciate how good they have it. Most of the people around the world have far worse lives. They live in ramshackle buildings, often have too little to eat, and live under corrupt dictators. Opening our borders to them is an act of compassion and social justice. Sharing in the wealth that our country has been blessed with is their human right. Those who vote for Trump will be voting to deny them this right.”

Fortunately, voters will have an opportunity to continue the progress I have made during my time in office by electing Secretary Hillary Clinton this November,” the President urged. “Not only has she pledged to stay the course, there is also the very real possibility that she will enable me to carry on the revolution by appointing me to a seat on the Supreme Court. The journey doesn’t have to end. It can live beyond January if voters make the right choice this Fall.”

In related news, a release of 20,000 hacked emails from the Democratic National Committee by Wikileaks detailed how supposedly impartial Party officials worked to stifle Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders’ campaign against insider-favorite Hillary Clinton. DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz defended the biased process, arguing that “the fate of the nation is too important to leave to chance. We could not sit by idly and permit a nobody like Sanders to derail the most qualified person in our history from her destiny to rule America.”

Nearly Half of TSA Employees Cited for Misconduct

According to a report from the House Homeland Security Commission, nearly half of the TSA’s 60,000 employees have been cited for misconduct in recent years. The trend is not encouraging either. Citations have increased by 28% over the last two years. The top five offenses include unaccounted for absences, failure to follow instructions, improper screening & security, neglect of duty, and disruptive behavior.

TSA Administrator Peter Neffenger sought to downplay the issue by pointing out that “despite unmanned posts, inappropriate groping petty theft, and abusive behavior by our employees no flights have been hijacked on my watch.. To me, these glitches seem a tolerable price to pay for improved safety.”

Rep. Scott Perry (R-Pa), Chairman of the Subcommittee on Oversight and Management Efficiency, wasn’t totally reassured by Neffenger’s perspective. “Maybe we’ve just been lucky,” Perry suggested. “I recall a recent test showing a success rate of 95% for weapons escaping the TSA’s detection. There is little evidence to support the notion that the TSA is effective or necessary.”

LA Times Op Ed Says Hillary Win Only Way to Avert Coup

Fear that Trump might be elected president prompted hysteria from leftist loon James Kirchick in an op ed he wrote in this week’s LA Times. “If voters don’t put Hillary in the White House our only option may be a military coup against a President Trump,” Kirchick warns.

Kirchick contends that such a first ever violent overthrow of an election outcome in this country “would be defensive in nature. Trump is outside the mainstream of the governing coalition that has run this country for the last 25 years. Even if he wins a majority of votes his ascension to office could be construed as a coup itself. Undoing his coup would restore the country to normalcy.”

The foresight of President Obama in purging the military of disloyal elements over the last seven years has laid the groundwork for this fail-safe option should voters make the disastrous decision to hand power over to a madman like Trump,” Kirchick gloated. “Polls may show that the majority of the rank-and-file troops lean toward Trump, but the men who command them have been thoroughly vetted and can be counted on to rise to the occasion if events warrant it.”

Naturally, such an overt deviation from precedent would have to be a last resort,” Kirchick wrote. “Barring a sufficient number of legitimate votes to ensure her election, a more discreet covert manipulation of the ballots would be preferred. Nevertheless, the outcome is too crucial for us to shy away from any remedy.”

In related news, GQ writer Bethlehem Shoals tweeted that he “would like to beat Patricia Smith to death” after this mother of one of the Americans murdered in Benghazi spoke to the Republican convention. Shoals was incensed that Mrs. Smith blamed then Secretary of State Hillary Clinton for irresponsibly neglecting consulate security, callously obstructing rescue efforts, and lying to cover it up.

Miami Police Explain Shooting Unarmed Man

Charles Kinsey, a behavioral therapist trying to aid an autistic patient was shot by Miami police this week. In the incident, Kinsey was lying on the ground with is hands up. Nevertheless, he was still shot in the leg by one of the responding officers.

John Rivera, the President of the Dade County Police Benevolent Association attempted to explain this egregious example of unnecessary and excessive force, calling it “an unfortunate accident. First of all, the police received an anonymous tip that there was a suicidal man with a gun in that area. Right away, the responding officers are thinking ‘we have to shoot this guy before he kills himself or someone else.’ The situation was obviously tense.”

Then they saw Mr. Kinsey lying on the street with his hands up yelling something about a truck and ‘don’t shoot,’” Rivera said. “Fearing that Mr. Kinsey’s life was in danger, one of the officers shot at the other man and hit Mr. Kinsey. Bad as his aim was, the discharge of his weapon brought the confrontation to an end without loss of life.”

The fact that the “gun” held by the autistic man turned out to be a toy truck did not faze Rivera, who pointed out that “just last week a terrorist in France killed 80 people with a truck. So, I think we can all sympathize with the officer’s reactions here when he heard Mr. Kinsey say the word ‘truck.’ Luckily, his poor marksmanship probably prevented a worse outcome. Surely, dopey and inept are preferable to deadly.”

Federal Courts Dictate State Election Rules

In the past week the federal courts intervened in tthree cases to overrule state election laws. In Michigan U.S. District Judge Gershwin Drain voided a state law banning straight ticket voting. In Wisconsin, U.S. District Judge Lynn Adelman ordered state officials to accept voters’ signed affidavits in lieu of photo IDs. In Texas, the 5th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals voided a state law requiring voters to show any one of seven different photo IDs before being given a ballot at the polls.

In his ruling, Drain called the Michigan law “an unconscionable burden on voters. Jettisoning the convenience of making a single decision and requiring voters to enter a vote for each office imposes unwarranted toil and inconvenience on voters. It also has a disproportionate impact on less informed and less intelligent voters. Our democracy guarantees everyone the right to vote regardless of whether they understand what they’re doing.”

In her ruling, Adelman asserted that “showing up on election day is all that a state may require of someone seeking to exercise his right to vote. The claim that obtaining a photo ID is easy doesn’t mean that effort isn’t needed to get one. Mere laziness should not disqualify a person from casting a ballot.”

The U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals agreed with the Texas Democratic Party’s contention that requiring voters to identify themselves could discourage some from voting. “It’s supposed to be a secret ballot,” said Democratic Party lawyer Gerry Herbert. “Photo IDs pierce this guarantee and subject voters to unwelcome scrutiny. In a perfect world anyone who shows up at the polls should be given a ballot, no questions asked. This court ruling gets us one step closer to that goal.”

Herbert called the risk that some might fraudulently vote more than once “overblown. First, the individual payback for going to the effort to vote multiple times is vanishingly small. Second, are we sure that a person willing to make this effort is a bad thing? Enthusiasm and initiative ought to count for something. Major league baseball and American Idol allow multiple votes. Has the country been harmed by that?”

In related news, the U.S. Council of Muslim Organizations vowed “to register a million new Muslim voters to combat the candidacy of Donald Trump. Muslim rights to spread Islam to every corner of the Earth are at stake.” Spokesman Osama Abu Irshaid characterized voting as “the peaceful alternative to bombing unbelievers into submission.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Hillary Calls Trump ‘Divisive’ and ‘Unfit’

 By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnAmidst polls showing her lead over GOP rival Donald Trump dwindling, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton warned voters against “the most divisive and unfit candidate in our nation’s history.”

A key consideration from Clinton’s perspective is the fact that “Republican voters passed over 16 worthy representatives of the GOP brand and latched onto a man outside the mainstream of government. Trump hasn’t been a participant in any of the processes for governing a city, state, or nation. He has no record to run on.”

Hillary contrasted Trump’s lack of governing experience with her own “30-year career at the center of events at the state and national level. How can we trust a man who has never taken one step in the shoes of those of us who have governed to know what to do with the awesome power to rule?”

On top of his lack of the appropriate experience we have his naive approach to the issues of the day,” she continued. “At every turn he would divide us from each other. He demands we close our borders to those who desperately want to come to America. He would single out and oppress the religious beliefs and practices of those striving to fulfill the prescriptions of Islam. He would force ‘law and order’ on those who see themselves as victims of a moral code with which they disagree.”

The candidate also touted her recent “exoneration” by the FBI as another point of distinction from her opponent. “I have undergone the most thorough examination by our nation’s premier law enforcement agency and been found not-guilty,” she boasted. “The worst they could say about me was that I was extraordinarily careless with my emails. Millions of Americans have had difficulties with emails. Many have had their bank accounts drained and their identities stolen. I avoided these consequences. So, I think I’m doing better than average.”

In related news, Clinton reminded voters that “the president can use the IRS to punish political enemies. Do we really want to put this weapon in the hands of a person like Donald Trump?”

Congressman Calls “Law and Order” Unfair to Minorities

Rep. Jim Clyburn (D-SC) lambasted Trump’s claim to be the “law and order” candidate, calling it “a cruel and insensitive attempt to place the values of white Americans over those of us who are black. It is racism that forces blacks to commit crimes to support themselves and their families. The kind of enforcement that Trump would impose threatens the livelihoods of a significant segment of the minority community.”

Clyburn may have a point. According to data from the Bureau of Justice Statistics, blacks are responsible for the majority of robberies and murders in the 75 most populated U.S. counties. Clearly, heightened law enforcement would have a disparate effect on this segment of the population.

Ironically, minority police officers are more likely than white officers to use firearms in confrontations with suspects—a phenomenon that Clyburn asserts “shows that even brothers in uniform have been brainwashed to kill their own kind in obedience to the ‘law and order’ mantra. That it is this bad with a black man as president casts an ominous light over a potential Trump administration.”

Whether Clyburn’s charge that blacks are ill-served by law enforcement is dubious. Black criminals are a minority in the black population. The vast majority of their victims are other blacks. The number of blacks slain by police is a small fraction of the number of blacks murdered by black criminals. In an overwhelming majority of instances blacks who are shot by police were criminals engaged in attacks on the police.

Justice Inadvertently Boosts Trump Candidacy

This week Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg waded into the political domain and unintentionally bolstered the chances for Donald Trump to win the presidency. Calling him a “faker with a big ego,” the 83-year-old Justice threatened to move to New Zealand if Trump wins in November.

Alarmed that Ginsburg’s outburst could work in Trump’s favor, the Washington Post’s editors criticized “her abandonment of the veneer of judicial impartiality. The acceptance of the Court’s authority to strike down legislation enacted by the people’s representatives relies on a perception of unbiased application of basic legal and constitutional rules. Taking sides in an electoral contest undermines this perception.”

The editors of the New York Times concurred with those at the Post and expressed a fear that “Justice Ginsburg might have to recuse herself from any future cases in which Trump is a party. This would nullify a reliably liberal vote on the Court from deciding cases in a way that advances the progressive transformation underway since the Roosevelt Administration.”

Stung by this criticism from papers she considered “allies in the struggle for social justice,” Ginsburg says she regretted her remarks. “The only saving grace is that my ill-advised ‘burp’ will be lost in the cacophony of rhetoric and news going forward and will be forgotten before the next Court session convenes in October.”

Not all on the left were critical of Ginsburg’s efforts to sway the election outcome. Sen. Claire McCaskill (D-Mo) praised “Justice Ginsburg’s great courage. The idea that the courts ought to stay out of politics is an artifact of the Founders’ maniacal insistence on separation of powers. President Obama has managed to sidestep this antiquated notion by using Executive Orders to bypass congressional obstruction. The courts have done a wonderful job of neutralizing errant legislation by looking to a higher law than a 200-year-old piece of paper. It is essential that this momentum be continued. Electing Hillary is the best way to ensure that.”

AG Says Lying Under Oath “Could Be Okay”

During testimony before the House Judiciary Committee this week, Attorney General Loretta Lynch refused to make “a blanket condemnation of lying under oath.” The issue was raised by Rep. Jason Chaffetz (R-Utah) regarding former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s “continuously changing and inconsistent testimony on a number of issues before this Committee over several years.”

Lynch contended that “each case has to be examined on its individual merits. It depends on who is testifying and whether a more important objective than mere truth is at hand. There is an old saying that ‘a diplomat is a patriot sent abroad to lie for his country.’ Our Secretary of State is this nation’s head diplomat. I believe that a certain leeway needs to be granted to that person for the good of the country.”

I can see some leeway for lies told to foreign governments in order to protect America’s strategic interests,” Chaffetz acknowledged. “But is lying to Congress included? Is lying to cover up ‘extraordinary carelessness’ with classified information acceptable? Is lying about security deficiencies at Benghazi that led to the death of our ambassador okay with you?”

I’m not going to get into a debate about hypothetical scenarios,” Lynch replied. “As the nation’s chief law enforcement officer I use my judgment on whether to bring charges against anyone. It’s called prosecutorial discretion. Congress must use its own judgment and discretion to deploy the powers granted to it by the Constitution if and when it deems warranted by the circumstances of each case.”

Obama, Gingrich Grapple with Islamic Terror Issue

The Bastille Day attack that killed 80 and injured 200 in Nice, France sparked a passionate plea from former House Speaker Newt Gingrich for better security against Islamic terrorism.

Gingrich said he has “no problems with Muslims who respect the rights of others becoming American citizens and moving in next door, but followers of sharia who believe they have a right or duty to wage war on unbelievers have no place in our country. They ought to be deported.”

He also called for “greater scrutiny of what’s going on in Mosques in America. Many of them seem to serve as recruiting centers for would-be terrorists. Hateful doctrines are preached to incite attacks on innocent civilians like we have seen in France and in this country in Orlando and San Bernardino. On top of this, caches of weapons are frequently concealed on their premises.”

President Obama characterized Gingrich’s comments as “repugnant. There is no place in our country for such hostility toward the religious beliefs of others. No Muslim should have to fear that his beliefs will expose him to any greater scrutiny than any other religion. The right to practice one’s religion free from interference by government is guaranteed by the First Amendment.”

Gingrich remained uncowed by the president’s criticism. “I’ll tell you what’s repugnant,” he replied, “the president’s repeated refusal to defend the people of this nation from attacks carried out by fanatical Islamists. Despite the evidence from their own mouths, Obama professes himself mystified as to the motives of these killers. This is willful blindness or worse.”

No one in this country, not me, not Donald Trump, not the Republican Party, is making a case for preventing Muslims from praying or promulgating their beliefs in a peaceful manner,” Gingrich pointed out. “The president’s efforts to stigmatize opposition to murder as anti-Muslim prejudice is reprehensible. The right of every American to believe or not believe any religion is trampled by the violence carried out by Islamic terrorists. That is the First Amendment right that the government and the president have an obligation to defend. Thus far, Obama has fallen far short of fulfilling this duty.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Hillary Unfazed by Mounting Evidence of Email Crimes

By  John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnFormer Secretary of State Hillary Clinton brushed off new revelations that the 30,000 “personal” emails she deleted may have included official Department business as “nothing to concern the American people.”

A deleted email of particular note was a memo from her Deputy Chief of Staff Huma Abedin to Clinton’s State Department subordinates regarding problems caused by Clinton’s use of a private unsecured email server. The former secretary claimed to have “no knowledge of either the original email or its illegal deletion,” but offered a hypothesis suggesting that the IT specialist who set up the server “may be the guilty party.”

Earlier this week Bryan Pagliano, the man who set up my off-site email system ‘took the 5th‘ over 125 times during a 90-minute, closed-door deposition,” Clinton pointed out. “While not admissible in court, this is practically a confession. Rather than harassing me, wouldn’t it make more sense to pursue this ‘smoking gun?’”

Missing emails aren’t the only problem. Comparison of what Clinton attempted to pass off as undeleted official records with planning schedules assembled by the secretary’s aides show major discrepancies. Specifically, the names of more than 100 outsiders who were scheduled to meet with Clinton were scrubbed from her version of what she was doing. Most of the missing names turned out to be executives of firms that were seeking government favors and had donated to the Clinton Foundation.

Clinton campaign spokesman Nick Merrill maintains that “these discrepancies are no big deal. People need to understand that a secretary of state could have valid reasons for keeping selected meetings and communications secret. Instead of casting suspicions on a great American who has devoted her entire adult life to the difficult job of governing this country, the media and the voters ought to be showing more trust.”

In related news, Clinton warned Americans “not to get any ideas from the Brexit vote. I will not abide presiding over a ‘rump republic.’ Any state or states that imagine they might vote their way out of our North American Union should remember they won’t be dealing with a weakling like Cameron at the helm. I had no qualms about taking down Gaddafi and, like Lincoln, I will not hesitate to use every weapon at my disposal to preserve this Union.”

Illinois to Create Advisory Council of Muslims

A bill approved by the state Legislature creates a 21-member Illinois Muslim-American Advisory Council. Co-sponsor of the legislation Sen. Jacqueline Collins (D) hailed the measure as “a sensible way to ensure that the activities of state government have a chance to get Muslim buy-in at an early stage. A lot of what we do without thinking is offensive to the followers of Islam. Clearing policies and programs ahead of time will prevent Muslims from having to resort to violence after-the-fact as a means of expressing their displeasure.”

Republican Rep. Barbara Wheeler voted against the bill, calling it “a wrong turn down a dangerous road. We don’t have a Catholic Advisory Council or a Jewish Advisory Council. Making a special effort to set up a council for one particular religion strikes me as an inappropriate mingling of church and state.”

Collins labeled Wheeler’s views “short-sighted. If we mess up and pass policies that offend Catholics or Jews they’ll just take us to court or vote us out of office. If we mess up with Muslims we could end up getting killed. Muslim’s dedication to their faith is passionate. Many have no hesitation in martyring themselves to defend their beliefs. Unfortunately, this martyrdom usually entails suicidal attacks on unbelievers. Rather than let things get out of hand it is better to establish a mechanism to assuage their sensibilities before blood is shed.”

In related news, the US Department of Homeland Security announced plans to ban the use of the words “jihad” and “sharia” in its anti-terror campaign. Secretary Jeh Johnson said “the use of these foreign words conveys the wrong message and diverts our attention from the much larger threat from home-grown enemies. As nasty as the few attacks carried out by persons with some connection to Islam may be, there are millions of armed non-Muslims with anti-government views. Even worse, these right-wing zealots are the tip of an ice berg of tens of millions who oppose what we are trying to do for this country and who may overthrow us at the ballot box.”

Dems Stage Sit-in Against Guns

Democratic members of the House of Representatives staged a sit-in to publicize their quest for stricter gun controls. Distressed that the murder of 50 night club patrons by an Islamic terrorist in Florida has not sufficiently weakened GOP support for the Second Amendment, more than two dozen Democrats seized the House floor for more than a day, vowing to block House business until their demands are met.

Sit-in participant Rep. Mike Doyle (D-Pa) used the event to call for “a major revision of the Second Amendment, because Americans don’t agree with it and we’ve had it. The Amendment may have made sense when the average person needed a firearm to shoot dinner or resist the oppression of King George, but it’s clearly outdated today. We get our food from the supermarket and no one needs guns as protection against a government elected by the voters.”

Rep. John Lewis (D-Ga) brushed aside charges of hypocrisy among the well-guarded members of the government. “The average person is at low risk compared to us,” Lewis contended. “Poll after poll shows the members of Congress are held in very low esteem by the general population. If that population is armed we are all in grave danger. The people are many and we are few. We need the protection of armed bodyguards and a general disarmament of the rest of the population just to even things up.”

The claimed “reasonable” proposal to bar those on the government’s “no fly” list from obtaining firearms has some significant flaws. For one, the list is secret. Only the government knows who’s on it. Placing a person on the list is solely at the discretion of the government. Errors appear to be frequent. Awareness that one is on this list often comes unexpectedly as a person tries to board an airline. Getting off the list involves lengthy and expensive court proceedings. Chris Anders, senior legislative counsel at the ACLU, characterized the proposal as “unreasonable and unfair. It is akin to a ‘secret enemies list’ that can be used by the government to selectively deny the Constitutional rights of individuals it doesn’t like.”

Ironically, the trend in gun ownership is inversely related to the murder rate. In the 20-year period from 1993 to 2013 gun ownership rose by 54% while homicides committed with guns fell by 49% and the non-fatal injuries inflicted by armed criminals fell by 76%. However, according to sit-in protester, former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif), “these nonsensical numbers will never persuade me to accept private gun ownership as a normal or useful behavior in our modern society.”

Samaritan Billed for Aiding Injured Family

When Derrick DeAnda helped a family escape from their rolled-over car he was just trying to be a good Samaritan. He didn’t expect to be billed $143 by the late-arriving EMTs for “medical care.” “I didn’t need any ‘medical care,’” DeAnda said. “I had one small cut on one of my hands. The EMT gave me a band aid. I can’t see how that could possibly cost so much.”

The bill from Cosumnes Community Services District was described as “standard practice” by Cosumnes Deputy Chief Mike McLaughlin. “If you’re at the scene of an accident that we attend you’re going to be billed. The $143 assessed to Mr. DeAnda was the minimum charge. Whether he got a band-aid or not is irrelevant. As a verified participant at the site we have to extract a fair share of our costs from him.”

McLaughlin dismissed concerns that his agency’s billing policy might deter others from stopping to help. “First of all, no one knows in advance that they will be charged a share of the cost if they get involved,” he said. “Second, even if they did, most people are not mercenary enough to put such a possibility ahead of aiding an injured party. Finally, even if people were to refrain from assisting due to fear of the financial consequences it would further serve to bolster the case for a bigger allocation for us in next year’s budget.”

Senators Demand to Know Where Companies Keep Their Cash

Concerned that some of the nation’s resources may be out of their reach, Sens. Al Franken (D-Minn) and Chris Coons (D-Del) are demanding that “all businesses fully disclose where all their money is.”

As President Obama said when he was nominated for his second term, government is the only entity we all belong to,” Franken recalled. “It is every business’ and every individual’s duty to do the utmost to ensure the survival of this single unifying entity. At a minimum, this means making all of their financial resources known to the government so they may be appropriated if the need to do so arises.”

Franken professed to understand the need for privacy, but maintained that “it is one thing to insist on privacy from the prying eyes of business rivals. It is quite another to keep secrets from the government. Should we sit by and allow the government to default when we could save it by seizing the money businesses and individuals are hoarding? How could we justify letting the selfish interests of the private sector impede the collective obligation of all of us to support the government?”

In related news, President Obama averred that “entitlements are necessities of a 21st century economy” and that “we need to retool our laws to ensure that this vital cog in the machine is well-oiled. Knowing where all the money can be found is a crucial component of making this happen.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Former Senator Questions Need for So Many Armed Federal Agents

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnFormer Senator Tom Coburn (R-Okla.) wrote an op ed for the Wall Street Journal in which he raised the question of why so many federal agents are authorized to carry weapons. In the op ed, Coburn wondered why the IRS needs assault rifles, why the Department of Veterans Affairs is arming 3,700 employees, and why the number of non-Defense Department federal officers authorized to make arrests and carry firearms (200,000) exceeds the number of U.S. Marines (182,000).

IRS Commissioner John Koskinen responded that “it should be readily apparent why my agency needs to be armed. Taxes are very unpopular. Taxpayers who aren’t sufficiently intimidated by liens and confiscations of their property are especially dangerous elements. We can’t afford to let ourselves be out-gunned by them.”

Secretary of the Department of Veterans’ Affairs Robert McDonald said “it should be obvious that considering our client base is comprised of former military—people trained in lethal skills—that we must be prepared to use deadly force if circumstances arise warranting it.”

Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest labeled the former Senator’s concerns “paranoid and short-sighted. He tries to make too much of the fact that armed federal agents now out-number armed Marines. Well, armed Marines don’t face as large a threat. There are over 300 million Americans who could potentially pose a threat to the government. There are over 100 million firearms in the hands of this population. As the President sees it, we are substantially out-gunned by domestic enemies. Clearly, we need more armed agents.”

In related news, a recent Department of Homeland Security report calls for “refocusing anti-terror efforts away from possible jihadis and toward millennials.” Secretary Jeh Johnson pointed out that “there are an estimated 75 million millennials. This number dwarfs the one million persons on the terror watch list. It’s only logical that we should devote more of our energy toward confronting this bigger threat.”

ISIS Group Praises Orlando Massacre

Despite President Obama’s uncertainty concerning the motives of the man who murdered 49 patrons of the Pulse night club in Orlando Florida, both the assailant and ISIS had no doubts. Shooter Omar Mateen pledged his allegiance to ISIS both before and during his killing spree. Similarly, the Al-Battar Media Foundation, reportedly an operation of the elite ISIS Libyan unit Kalibat al-Battar al-Libi, hailed the “slaughter of infidels” and urged “all true Muslims to emulate this lion of the Caliphate.”

Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest emphasized that “the president’s focus on America’s gun culture has the numbers behind him. There are 100 million guns in private hands in this country. In contrast, there are only a handful of proven fanatics that have been involved in recent shootings. Many more people have been killed by guns wielded by non-Muslim attackers than by attackers sharing the Muslim faith.”

In Chicago alone, more than a thousand people have been shot to death this year,” Earnest pointed out. “This is 30 times the death toll of the Orlando massacre. Rather than get swept up in the anti-Muslim hysteria propagated by Donald Trump and the NRA, the president is keeping his eye on the main threat—widespread firearms ownership in this country. If only government officials and agents were armed all shootings by non-government individuals would be illegal and could be more easily suppressed. That is the key lesson to be learned from this tragedy.”

In related news, the Obama Administration announced the appointment of Laila Alawa to the Department of Homeland Security. In 2014 Alawa insisted that “9/11 changed the world for good.” While many might think that such an endorsement of the murder of 3,000 innocents ought to disqualify the speaker from a job supposedly oriented toward protecting against terror attacks, Earnest maintained that “keeping a diverse roster of persons with differing viewpoints within the halls of government is the best way of combating the kind of disaffection that could lead to hostile attitudes towards America.”

Administration Expands Student Loan Default Options

The Department of Education expanded the grounds under which students may be freed from their obligation to repay college loans. Under the new rules, students may be absolved from the obligation to repay loans if the education they received was inadequate.

Secretary John King, Jr. explained that “much of what passes as education in our major universities is just crap. Universities know that majoring in ‘women’s studies,’ ‘gender studies,’ philosophy, and the like, won’t prepare graduates for high-paying jobs. Why should naive and ignorant young people have to bear the consequences that could have been avoided if they had received better advisement from the university they attended?”

The cost of the loan defaults is estimated to amount to $43 billion over the next decade. This cost will be borne by taxpayers—a shift of liability that King insists is “the fairest way to distribute the burden. Making the universities eat these losses would endanger their financial survival. By spreading the cost over the broader base of taxpayers the incremental burden on each person would be tolerably smaller. As someone once said, ‘it takes a village to raise a child.’ This is a case where the ‘village’ needs to step up and shoulder its responsibility.”

Democrat Wants Taxpayers to Pass Drug Test to Qualify for Deductions

Rep. Gwen Moore (D-Wis.) has introduced legislation that would require taxpayers to pass a drug test before being allowed to itemize deductions on their 1040 tax forms. The bill is in retaliation for state laws that require welfare recipients to pass drug tests in order to receive benefits.

I am sick and tired of Republicans forcing poor people to jump through hoops to receive the money they are entitled to under the law,” Moore complained. “We enacted these programs to help the unfortunate. Few members of society are as unfortunate as drug addicts. They are slaves to chemicals that their bodies crave. Compelling them to choose between a welfare check and their substance abuse is unconstitutional cruel and unusual punishment.”

If the GOP is going to cut the money going to this deprived set of society’s victims then we should also cut the money going to taxpayers via the deductions allowed on their income taxes,” the Congresswoman asserted. “As the President has pointed out on numerous occasions, people with incomes, businesses, and jobs didn’t earn it. Somebody else made that happen. Letting them keep this money is a privilege that the government can revoke. Let’s see how they like it when government cuts the money they get to keep because they can’t pass a drug test.”

Wisconsin is one of 15 states that require welfare recipients to submit to drug testing in order to receive benefits. Gov. Scott Walker defended the requirement calling it “an additional incentive designed to help people escape a cycle of dependency. Consuming illegal drugs is an incapacitating behavior. Not only does it sap an individual’s motivation for becoming self-reliant it also undermines competency. Either of these effects will deter an employer from hiring the substance abuser.”

Rep. Moore’s notion that income earned by working is the equivalent of income received from the government for not working is as wrong as it can be,” Walker added. “Getting oneself off the sofa and into the workforce makes a positive contribution to society. It is contributions like this that make it possible to provide benefits for those truly unable to support themselves. If we make it a practice to reward those who disable themselves from the possibility of working to continue to be supported by the government the resources to aid those who really need it will be needlessly depleted.”

President’s Economic Adviser Says Income Comparison Misleading

Data showing that the average man with a full time job makes less today than he did in 1973 was discounted as “an fair and misleading statistic” by the Chairman of the President’s Council of Economic Advisers Jason Furman this week.

First of all, the premise that a full time job is desirable is debatable,” Furman maintained. “In 1973 many were forced to work because of the inadequacy of the social safety net. Today, many in a similar situation have been liberated from this tiresome fate by a more generous package of government benefits that enables them to work part time or to completely drop out of the workforce.”

Second, the statistic doesn’t account for the fact that many goods and services that had to be purchased with private money in 1973 are now provided free of charge by the government,” Furman added. “One example would be telephone service. Then, an individual would have to pay for a land line. Now, an individual can get a free mobile phone from the government. I call this an upgrade that comes at no cost to the beneficiary.”

I think we need to get away from these longitudinal measures,” Furman said. “They are inapt attempts to compare fundamentally incomparable eras. Times have changed. The transformation President Obama promised the American people is underway. It would be fallacious to try to judge it using such a discredited yardstick.”

Congressman Says “Ruling Class” Not Paid Enough

Rep. Alcee Hastings (D-Fla.) complains that his $174,000 annual salary plus perks is “not enough to keep a man honest. We deal with an annual budget of over $3 trillion. Our piece of that action is a paltry .005 percent. High-ranking heads of departments don’t fare much better. Is it surprising that some are tempted to augment in ways that many find distasteful?”

Take former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and her husband Bill,” the Congressman said. “After decades of public service they left the White House nearly broke in 2001. What choice did they have but to try to reimburse themselves through soliciting donations from foreign governments? I’ve heard that Saudi Arabia has had to foot 20 percent of Hillary’s presidential campaign expenses. We shouldn’t be forcing our country’s leaders to have to stoop to such extreme measures to collect their due.”

Hastings suggested that “a one-percent set-aside to compensate those of us who have taken on the huge responsibilities of governing strikes me as appropriate.” Under his proposal, a one-percent set-aside would amount to about $37 billion. This would be equally split between the three branches, making each member of congress’ share $23 million per year, each Supreme Court Justice’s share $1.3 billion per year, and each cabinet member’s share $725 million per year.

Truthfully, there is probably no amount of monetary compensation that would adequately reimburse us for the sacrifices we all have to make when we serve,” Hastings contended. “But I think we owe it to the people who serve to make a better effort at evening things up.”

 

State Department Warns Israel Not to Inconvenience Palestinians

By  John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnMark Toner, spokesman for the US State Department, issued a statement condemning the terrorist attack on a shopping mall that killed four Israelis, but simultaneously warned Israel to “not overreact.”

In an effort to beef up security in response to the attack, the Israeli government rescinded 83,000 permits for Palestinians to visit relatives in Israel during Ramadan and sent an additional 600 troops to the West Bank where they will man border checkpoints and conduct raids against suspected terrorists.

That four innocent shoppers were murdered is tragic, but we want to caution the Israeli government against taking measures that might inconvenience a far greater number of Palestinians,” Toner said. “The total time lost due to more stringent security checks on Palestinians who want to visit Israel could very easily dwarf the number of life-years lost by those slain in the attack. This would be a disproportionate response.”

The region has been an area of tensions since Jews appropriated formerly Muslim territory in 1948,” Toner contended. “That ended 1200 years of relative peace under Islamic rule. We cannot begrudge Muslim efforts to reestablish what might be considered a ‘golden age.’ We wish their methods were less violent, but we must not allow our prejudices against their methods to blind us to the merits of their cause.”

The murders were followed by widespread celebrations—including chanting, fireworks, and the waving of Palestinian flags in the West Bank. Hamas spokesman Hussam Badran praised the attack as “the fulfillment of first prophecy of Ramadan” and “evidence of the failure of Jewish occupation of Palestinian land.” Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas issued a confusing statement “rejecting attacks on civilians no matter how justified they may be in retaliation for continued Zionist incursions on what has historically been Muslim territory.”

In other State Department news, Toner defended the agency’s estimate that it would take 75 years to process and release all of former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s emails. “Look, everyone knows how unmotivated government workers are,” Toner reminded. “Getting a decent day’s work out of the slugs who clog the bureaucracy is next to impossible. So, I’d call 75 years an optimistic estimate. Obviously, the purposes to which access to these emails might serve would be a moot issue by the time the job is done. So why start?”

Bill Would Stop DOJ Funding Liberal Groups with Federal Money

Four Republican senators—James Lankford (Okla), Ted Cruz (Texas), and Utah’s Orrin Hatch and Mike Lee—have introduced legislation aimed at barring the Department of Justice from using settlement money to fund liberal interest groups.

Settlements obtained from banks found guilty for their role in inflating the mortgage bubble in 2008 ought to be used to compensate those damaged by these egregious practices,” Sen. Lankford said. “Instead, the Department of Justice has been funneling this money to favored liberal activists. This is a perversion of justice and an end run around the appropriations process.”

Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) belittled the proposed legislation, calling it “an exercise in futility. No Democrat will vote for this bill. The idea that money liberated from one element of the private sector ought to be paid back to another runs counter to our Party’s agenda. The so-called victims of the mortgage bubble made unwise decisions. How can we justify returning money to such feckless dupes? Using these settlements to endow organizations active in progressive causes makes more sense. Congress should not intervene.”

Sen. Hatch found Reid’s argument to be “outrageous. In effect, the DOJ is muscling in on the loot stolen by the banks and using it to finance cronies of the Administration. This is not justice. It compounds the initial crime and leaves the wrongs unremedied. Such flagrant lawlessness undermines the legitimacy of the federal government.”

Clinton Demands Trump Delete His Twitter Account

Democratic presidential aspirant Hillary Clinton demanded that Republican rival Donald Trump discontinue his twitter account. The demand followed Trump’s tweet mocking President Obama’s endorsement of Clinton’s candidacy. In the tweet, Trump wrote “Obama just endorsed Crooked Hillary. He wants four more years of Obama-but nobody else does!”

Trump’s tweet was disrespectful to President Obama and to me,” Hillary complained. “This is further proof that he lacks the temperament to be president. Those of us with experience in government know that there are certain things you just don’t say in public. One of those things is that you don’t call your opponent a crook without concrete proof. President Obama has reassured me that there will be no proof of any criminal wrongdoing against me released by the Department of Justice. So Trump calling me a crook is slander.”

On top of his vicious slander, Trump also uttered an unspeakable lie,” Hillary continued. “My selection as the Democratic candidate for president shows that millions of voters want four more years of President Obama’s policies. Clearly, Trump’s tweet is untrue and is hurtful toward a man who has done great things in office.”

As a candidate, I don’t expect Trump to voluntarily obey my request for him to delete his twitter account,” Hillary added. “However, once I am president one of the issues we will look into is better regulation against the type of abuse of free speech engaged in by people like Trump. Just because a person can tweet doesn’t mean he should be allowed to without facing a consequence for making unacceptable use of this technology.”

In related news, Press Secretary Josh Earnest insisted that the president’s endorsement of Clinton “will not sway the FBI investigation. The president doesn’t have to ‘sway‘ anything. He is in charge of the entire government. It will carry out whatever orders he gives. So, no, the president won’t be ‘swaying‘ the investigation.”

Ninth Circuit Court Repeals Second Amendment

This week the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals ruled that government has a right to decide who will and won’t be permitted to carry a concealed firearm. The ruling came in the case of Edward Peruta v. County of San Diego. The County denied Peruta and his fellow plaintiffs concealed carry permits on the grounds that they did not prove a need for them.

Writing for the majority, Judge Diarmuid O’Scannlain asserted that “under California law, police authorities are empowered to determine who shall be allowed to bear arms and for what reasons. The plaintiffs’ contention that personal self-defense was a sufficient reason for them to be armed was rejected by county law enforcement officials. Their argument that police cannot provide adequate protection emanates from an elevation of selfish individual concerns over the society’s welfare. The collective body of California citizens has seen fit to elect a government that made the decision to grant authority to local governments to allow or deny firearm privileges as they see fit.”

The very fact that these plaintiffs contested local authorities lends support to the decision not to issue permits,” O’Scannlain continued. “One of the main duties of government is to protect itself from those who it construes as potentially dangerous to this objective. The plaintiffs’ assertion that police cannot be relied upon to provide sufficient protection raises a measure of doubt as to whether these individuals are reliable citizens.”

Dissenting Judge Barry Silverman contended that “the California law clearly violates the Constitution’s Second Amendment which affirms that ‘the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.’ Having to ask permission of a government functionary to exercise this right eviscerates it. A state where the government has absolute control over who may or may not be armed is the very tyranny the Second Amendment was devised to prevent.”

Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton hailed the Court’s decision as “an encouraging step toward the attainment of a ‘gun-free’ society. We can make allowances for those who want to hunt to check guns out of a government armory much like a person can check out a book from a public library. There is no need for anyone to own his own gun. Once I’m president we’re going to make that happen.”

Gingrich Makes Self Available for VP Spot

Saying he “is putting the country ahead of partisanship,” former House Speaker Newt Gingrich announced his availability as a vice-presidential running mate “for either candidate.” Speculation about such a possibility heated up this week when Gingrich called Hillary Clinton’s speech after she clinched enough delegates for the Democratic presidential nomination “spectacular.” Earlier he had spoken favorably about GOP nominee Donald Trump.

Listening to Hillary the other night I realized what a strong candidate she is,” Gingrich said. “She’s got the experience and the gravitas that this country needs. That’s not to say that Donald Trump wouldn’t also be a good choice. He’s got a freshness and drive about him that offers people a sense of confidence in the future.”

Basically, I’m torn,” Gingrich lamented. “I’ve always been a Republican and would like to stay loyal to the Party. I could fill in the experience gap that Donald faces vs. Hillary if he puts me on the ticket with him. I think we’d make a great team. On the other hand, bipartisan tickets have had their place in American history. Lincoln, for example, chose a former Democrat as his first VP and another Democrat for his second term. If Hillary were to choose me it’d be one of the great pairings in our nation’s history.”

The former House Speaker admitted that “the decision, of course, is out of my hands. All I can do is offer my services on a ‘first-come, first-serve’ basis. It will come down to whoever is quicker on the draw. I’ll be standing by ready to answer whichever call comes first.”

Feds to Crackdown on Temporary Health Insurance

A clause in the Affordable Care Act (ACA) allows individuals who are between jobs to purchase temporary health insurance policies. The Department of Health and Human Services has announced it will change the rules to limit these policies to three months duration and ban renewals.

The problem with these policies according to Department of Health and Human Services Secretary Sylvia Burwell is “they fall short of the President’s vision for how Americans ought to be insured. These temporary plans don’t cover everything we think should be covered. Notably absent from most temporary coverage policies are items like gender reassignment surgery, mental health, and drugs. The President has been adamant that these items are crucial components of comprehensive health insurance.”

A possible additional incentive for people to purchase these temporary plans is that they are cheaper than Obamacare. For example, an ObamaCare Bronze plan with a $6,000 deductible costs $184 a month while a short-term plan with a $5,000 deductible costs only $58 a month.

Burwell called the cost comparison unfair. “This temporary insurance is focused solely on the individual’s needs as he or she perceives them. Obamacare is focused on society’s needs. A self-centered individual may not appreciate the benefits to others from a plan that overcharges him in order to cover the needs of others. Changing this mindset is one of the key objectives of the ACA. The rule changes we are implementing will help correct this mistaken way of thinking by forcing everyone to comply with the ACA’s mandated coverage.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

 

 

Obama Says He’s Not a ‘Gun Grabber’

By  John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnIn response to an audience member’s concern that Democrats want to take guns away from law-abiding people, President Obama sought to reassure the man that his fears were exaggerated.

The notion that I, or Hillary or Democrats or whoever want to personally grab everyone’s guns is just not true,” he said. “I would never grab anyone’s gun, but I think we can all agree that there are some dangerous elements in our society who ought not to have them.”

What we need are sensible controls over who can and can’t have guns,” the president continued. “Who can better make this determination than law enforcement authorities? Police have to deal with the criminal population on a daily basis. Surely we can trust their judgment. I don’t see anything wrong with individuals having to prove to police their need to be personally armed before they are granted permission to have a firearm.”

The president rebuffed the argument that the high homicide rate in Chicago—a city with extremely strict control over gun ownership—undermines the “gun control” model he holds out as the solution. “Clearly, too many people are getting shot in my hometown,” Obama admitted. “What that tells me is that the controls that exist are insufficient. Obviously, stronger measures are called for. At a minimum we need to know where all the guns are. A universal registration database would enable us to move quickly to disarm those we deem a threat.”

There have been more guns sold since I’ve been president than just about any time in U.S. History,” Obama observed. “This is the exact opposite of what I would have liked to see happen. I regret not taking the actions necessary to have prevented this arms race.”

Thugs Attack Trump Supporters, Mayor Blames Candidate

Attendees of a Donald Trump presidential rally in San Jose, California were set upon and beaten by anti-Trump “protesters” this past week. Mayor Sam Liccardo blamed the candidate.

I personally would never physically attack a political opponent,” Liccardo reassured. “But neither am I ready to absolve Trump for his role in provoking the violence. California was once part of Mexico before it was illegally seized by the United States in 1848. Donald Trump hasn’t denounced this thievery. To the contrary, he has stridently threatened to eject Mexicans who are trying to repatriate this territory.”

San Jose is a sanctuary city,” Liccardo pointed out. “We have promised immigrants that they are safe here. By coming here and flaunting his anti-Mexican views Trump has threatened their safety. It should not be surprising that some of them would try to fight back. The injuries suffered by Trump’s supporters could’ve been avoided if he had stayed in his own country.”

Liccardo said he was thankful that “this whole Trump thing will be just a short-lived phenomenon. Hillary Clinton will put an end to it in the November election. She will bestow voting rights on Mexican immigrants and they will peacefully reestablish Mexican sovereignty over the stolen land.”

In related news, George Mason University professor David Alpher warned that “Trump supporters are worse than ISIS and al-Qaeda. These Islamic terrorists pose no significant threat to our government. Trump, on the other hand, could, with the support of a sufficient number of voters, seize control of our government. This is what we progressives must unite against and do everything in our power to prevent.”

Administration “Not Disappointed” with Job Numbers

Though the Bureau of Labor Statistics report for May showed an anemic 38,000 new jobs were created during the month and a record 94,708,000 Americans were not in the labor force, Obama Administration Press Secretary Josh Earnest insisted that “we are not disappointed with these numbers.”

Those who can’t grasp the president’s goals for the transformation of this country harp on the point that 38,000 new jobs are far too few to accommodate this country’s monthly 200,000 population increase,” Earnest complained. “Likewise, they see the expansion of the contingent not in the workforce as a negative. They’ve got it exactly backwards. The President sees these figures as proof of progress.”

Work is a disutility,” Earnest explained. “People only do it because they have to. If they could get everything they want without having to work that would be ideal. Well, the president’s program has made this possible for more people than ever before in our history. A better way of looking at the numbers is to see that fewer than 20 percent of the additional 200,000 persons in the population will be forced to take jobs. More than 80 percent are spared this fate. Nearly 95 million Americans are now freed from the rat race. The president is proud of this achievement.”

Proud as the president may be, he realizes there is still much work to be done,” Earnest added. “Sadly, more than 62 percent of the adult population are still employed. This is an improvement over the nearly 66 percent in this predicament at the start of the president’s first term. But the gains have been painfully slow and could easily be reversed if current policies aren’t continued in the next administration, as seems likely if the GOP retakes the White House.”

Albright: “No Proof Clinton Emails Hurt Anyone”

Former Clinton Administration Secretary of State Madeleine Albright suggested that the inquiry into Hillary Clinton’s email practices during her tenure as Obama’s Secretary of State “has gone far enough.”

Okay, she made a mistake and some laws may have been broken, but there’s no proof that the way she handled her email has hurt anyone,” Albright contended. “It’s time for the persecution of this great American to end.”

The possibility that Hillary’s unsecured emails containing classified material might have been hacked and, thereby, exposed covert operatives to potentially fatal risk was brushed aside. “There’s no definitive proof that her emails were hacked,” Albright argued. “Even if there were there would be no way to tell if the deaths of any US assets were the result of such a breach or due to other causes. Who knows for sure whether it was Hillary’s careless handling of his communications regarding the gun-running operation or a video insulting Islam that caused the attack that led to Ambassador Stevens’ death?”

While Albright remains confident that no harm was done, federal records reveal that Hillary Clinton posted and shared the names of concealed U.S. intelligence officials on her unprotected email system. State Department spokeswoman Nicole Thompson said the Department “has no comment on this matter. Some of those in a position to know say they do not recall. Others have asserted their Fifth Amendment right against self-incrimination.”

Albright said she was much more concerned about the danger of Donald Trump becoming president. “He’s completely outside the mainstream of foreign policy thinking,” she asserted. “He doesn’t see the need to confront Russia. He criticized President Obama’s deal with Iran. He demands that other countries pay the United States for the cost of defending them. No one else shares these views. If he is elected the last 20 years of US foreign policy could be completely undone. That would be dangerous.”

In related news, the State Department professed itself to be at a dead-end regarding who authorized lying to the media about the Iran nuclear deal. Spokesman Mark Toner admitted that “obviously, someone told the video technician to delete that information from the briefing, but no one will own up to doing it.” State Department Press Secretary Jen Psaki may have come closest to an admission by suggesting “there are times when diplomacy needs privacy in order to progress.”

Convicted Felon Backed by Obama AG

President Obama and Attorney General Loretta Lynch have joined former director of the Phoenix VA Medical Center Sharon Helman’s suit against wrongful termination. Helman was fired in 2014 following the nationwide VA scandal that erupted after it came to light that veterans were dying while waiting for care at the facilities she oversaw. She was also subsequently convicted of a felony after pleading guilty to accepting bribes.

Despite this blemished performance in her job, Helman is now contending that her firing was too hasty. Lynch agreed, saying that “the 21-day limit for filing an appeal of the firing was too short a time. Typically, the whole process of reviewing a government employee’s status takes months or even years. This is the standard that employees like Ms. Helman had come to expect. The legislation passed in 2014 expediting the process overturned these expectations and is, therefore, unconstitutional.”

Sen. Johnny Isakson (R-Ga), chairman of the Senate Committee on Veterans’ Affairs, characterized Lynch’s claim as “creative fiction. There is nothing in the Constitution that says a government employee’s job status is immune to changes in legislation. Just because these bureaucrats have imagined themselves to be entitled to perpetual employment doesn’t make it a right. For the Administration to side with this miscreant is an outrage.”

Bill Would Criminalize Undercover Filming at Abortion Facilities

California State Assemblyman Jimmy Gomez (D-Los Angeles) is sponsoring legislation that would criminalize undercover reporting of misdeeds occurring at abortion facilities. The bill A.B. 1671, imposes penalties of up to a year behind bars and/or a $2,500 fine for a first offense.

Abortion is an endorsed practice in this state,” Gomez said. “We need to protect its providers from harassment by those who oppose it.”

Gomez cited “the horrendous invasion of privacy perpetrated by the Center for Medical Progress’ undercover videos of Planned Parenthood’s negotiations for the sale of baby parts as the primary inspiration for this legislation. The contention that these sales were illegal doesn’t justify the despicable methods used to expose this great organization to unwanted publicity and potential prosecution.”

The actions of the Center for Medical Progress have already had a ‘chilling effect’ on the industry,” the Assemblyman warned. “If we do not act an incalculable number of unwanted children could be born to who knows what cumulative destructive consequence.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

 

President Suggests Hillary’s Email ‘a Matter for Voters to Decide’

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnIrritated that the media would dare to pose a question about the legality of former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s unsecured email communications, President Obama refused to comment, suggesting that “whether she did anything that was really wrong is a matter for voters to decide. And from what I’ve seen so far, she’s on her way to securing the Democratic nomination for president. I think that says the majority of Americans are okay with how she’s handled it.”

The media’s unwelcome inquiry was spurred by an 83-page State Department Inspector General’s report calling Clinton’s email operation an “inexcusable and willful disregard of the rules. Contrary to the Secretary’s public statements, her use of a private server was not ‘allowed’ as she has alleged. It was in direct violation of State Department regulations that the Secretary had previously cited in issuing punishments to lower-ranking violators. There is no record of her receiving a valid exemption from these regulations from any higher-ranking authority.”

A key piece of evidence in the IG’s report cited Secretary Clinton’s warning to all State Department personnel that “personal email accounts could be compromised and officials should avoid conducting official Department business from personal e-mail accounts.”

Among the classified information showing up in the Secretary’s unsecured email was long-time Clinton family confidant Sid Blumenthal’s message urging Hillary “to expedite the overthrow of Libya’s Mohamar Qadaffi before his scheme of establishing a 7-billion dollar fund of gold-backed dinars undercuts the U.S. government’s ability to control the oil industry.” The overthrow was expedited. Qadaffi was murdered and the country thrown into a chaos that later resulted in the assassination of US Ambassador Christopher Stevens in 2012.

Clinton campaign manager Robbie Mook denounced the IG report, calling it “as gross an invasion of privacy that any public figure has had to endure. The staff that were under Secretary Clinton’s direction were instructed to never speak to anyone, ever, on the topic of her private email account. That some of these staffers have talked to the Inspector General is a betrayal of the first magnitude. Those undertaking the tasks of governing this country need to know that their orders are heeded and obeyed. Sad to say, the Secretary’s orders on this matter were neither heeded nor obeyed. We’re confident that voters will correct this injustice by electing Hillary president in November.”

In related news, Judge Emmett Sullivan ordered that videos of Clinton aides’ testimony on the email scandal “be sealed so as not to unduly diminish Secretary Clinton’s chance of being elected president. If we want the best and brightest of Americans to seek and obtain the reins of power we need to protect them from excessive intrusion into their efforts to serve the public.” Judge Sullivan said he would allow “written transcripts to be released to the media” in order to “deflect charges of a ‘cover-up.’ The written word is a format with which the vast majority are not adept. Officially, the information will be available, but few will read it.”

Professor Resigns to Protest Freedom of Speech

Contending that “so-called free speech is delusional,” DePaul University sociology professor Dr. Shu-Ju Cheng has resigned her post in protest.

The event that spurred Dr. Cheng’s protest was the aborted speech of Milo Yiannopolis on the uiversity’s campus last week. Despite paying the university for security, student thugs were permitted to seize the stage and disrupt the speech. Cheng was outraged, not that thugs were allowed to drown out views with which they disagreed, but that Yiannopolis was invited “to air his anti-progressive message.”

The whole concept of freedom of speech is an antiquated idea derived from dead white men,” Cheng contended. “The University has a social obligation to protect students from exposure to such intellectual pollution. No one has the right to speak out against progressive ideas. No one has the right to oppose social justice. The University’s negligence in enforcing correct ideology forced the champions of progressive thought to violently suppress an odious advocate of racist oppression.”

Cheng rejected University officials’ arguments that “the disruption of Yiannopolis’ speech and the confiscation of his $1,000 security deposit” could be an acceptable middle ground. “There can be no compromise with the advocates of ‘white freedoms.’ Merely making them suffer a little bit falls far short of what should be our goal. Only when the enemies of social justice are crushed beneath a righteous wave of revolutionary action can we afford to relax our efforts.”

In related news, MSNBC pundit Chris Matthews praised violent anti-Trump protesters for “rising to the occasion. The prospect of a Trump presidency has got to be terrifying for these outcasts of white society. Just because they lack the skill to articulate their grievances in a civilized fashion doesn’t lessen the importance or legitimacy of their cause. In a way, cracking heads can be a very forceful way to change people’s minds.”

Iowa Supreme Court Bans Life Imprisonment for Teen Killers

In a 4-3 ruling, the Iowa Supreme Court banned lower courts from imposing life sentences for murders committed by teen-aged offenders. The ruling came in the case of Isaiah Richard Sweet, who was convicted of two counts of first-degree murder for fatally shooting his grandparents.

Justice Brent Appel wrote that “a life sentence for a crime such as this is disproportionate. The victims were old and fairly close to a natural death. For their grandson to be sentenced to a life term that could easily amount to multiple decades is a punishment that I believe the victims themselves would have deemed excessive and cruel.”

Appel also suggested that “completely neutralizing this segment of the population may have unforeseen long-term effects. Science has found uses for viruses that were not conceived of in earlier periods. Who is to say that there may not be a genuine need that teen-aged murderers might perform for the benefit of the human race in the future? Perhaps their winnowing of the human herd by eliminating the weak or the gullible is a useful element in the further evolution of the species.”

Dissenting Justice Edward Mansfield called the ruling “a usurpation of legislative authority. Elected representatives made the law that allowed for these kinds of sentences on a case-by-case basis. The court has overstepped its bounds issuing a blanket cancellation of the act of the voters’ representatives.” Dissenting Justice Bruce Zage characterized the ruling as “judicial activism at its worst.”

Law Would Let FBI Read Everyone’s Email

The 2017 Intelligence Authorization Act would enable the FBI to obtain anyone’s email records without a court order. All the agency would need is a National Security Letter, which would allow the FBI get information from companies without their customers knowing they were being investigated. The bill is co-sponsored by Senate Intelligence Committee Chairman Richard Burr (R-NC) and Vice Chairman Dianne Feinstein (D-Calif).

If we want the government to protect us we must let go of our obsession with personal privacy,” Sen. Feinstein urged. “The police are consummate professionals, not nosy busybodies. Unless you’re doing something wrong you have nothing to fear.”

Sen. Ron Wyden (D-Ore), the lone dissenting voice on the 15-member Senate committee, said he wasn’t reassured by “the bland assumption that government can do no evil. History is replete with incidences of government spying on its citizens for the purpose of repressing dissent and accumulating power. Under our Constitution the Fifth Amendment was expressly intended to require a dispassionate judge to assess the justification before police officials were granted permission to intrude into private matters.”

Sen. Burr wondered whether “Sen. Wyden might be unduly paranoid. Doesn’t the bipartisan sponsorship of this legislation provide sufficient reassurance of its benevolent intent?” and suggested that “the numerous examples of illegal intrusion into private affairs by government agencies has shown itself to be unacceptably dangerous. Giving these intrusions a statutory foundation will protect government employees from unnecessary impediments to their law-enforcement duties and undesirable repercussions from breaking the law.”

VA Waits for Ailing Vets “Not So Bad”

This week, Secretary of Veterans Affairs Robert McDonald rebuffed critics of the agency’s long queues for medical treatment of ailing veterans, comparing them to the long lines to get on rides at Disneyland. “No one is on the Disney Corporation’s case for the lengthy wait-times at their theme parks,” McDonald asserted. “Why should we get worked up over wait-times at VA hospitals?”

You know, if people can tolerate waiting an hour for something as frivolous as a roller coaster ride shouldn’t they be willing to wait a reasonable amount of time for something as crucial as medical care?” the Secretary asked. “As every vet should be aware from his combat experience, sometimes you have to wait for the medic to get to you. Sometimes he can’t get there in time. It’s all part of the risk that each soldier took on when he enlisted.”

McDonald further insisted that “the veterans trying to get care at the VA are the lucky ones. They made it back. The unlucky ones died on the battlefield. I think it’s time for the survivors to count their blessings and stop whining about what, in the grander scheme of things, is really their good fortune.”

In related news, Reps. Joe Kennedy III (D-Mass) and Bobby Scott (D-Va) have introduced the “Do No Harm Act” in Congress. The bill bars anyone from using a religious objection to decline to perform or participate in a medical procedure mandated by the government. “The health of everyone is of vital concern to the government,” Kennedy declared. “No one should be allowed to interfere with the implementation of this responsibility. For example, under our bill, no doctor or health care facility could refuse to perform an abortion requested by a patient. Likewise, no patient could refuse to undergo an abortion if it is determined to be necessary. We need to get past the notion that health is a personal matter. The collective well-being of the whole has got to take precedence over selfish individual prejudices. Our bill will achieve that.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Debate on Pot Legalization Heats up in California

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnThe debate over a California initiative to legalize recreational marijuana sparked heated rejoinders from both sides this week.

Rep. Dana Rohrabacher (R) suggested that legalization “will better deploy law enforcement resources. Energy that is now put into harassing inoffensive users of marijuana can be redirected toward suppressing more serious crimes like rape and murder.”

Leading opponent of legalization, Ventura Police Chief Ken Corney, president of the California Police Chiefs Association, challenged the Congressman “to name one so-called rape or murder victim who might otherwise have been spared if police officers weren’t occupied enforcing our drug laws.”

“Potheads like to portray dope smoking as a harmless activity, but its impacts are insidious and long lasting,” Corney maintained. “The harm to society is more pervasive than the more isolated rape or murder. Saving an entire generation from addiction and its ill-effects strikes me as more important than a futile effort to save the relatively few impacted by these other crimes, especially since the vast majority of police action on these comes after-the-fact. The true choice is between us basically ‘cleaning up’ after a rape or murder vs. proactively intervening to modify self-destructive behavior across a broader cohort of the population.”

Rohrabacher characterized Corney’s stance as “an example of the nanny-state at its worst. Misguided do-gooders once thought that using police to prevent people from ruining their lives by consuming alcohol was appropriate. Most now recognize what a mistake that was as it fueled the rise of notorious gangsters like Al Capone during Prohibition. Our modern-day repetition of that mistake with attempts to suppress marijuana provide the environment for violent drug-smuggling gangsters and the mayhem they inflict on communities across the nation.”

Zuckerberg Denies Suppressing Conservative News

Reports that Facebook moderators routinely suppress trending news favorable to conservatives were vigorously denied by CEO Mark Zuckerberg, who claimed “I don’t even know who the leaders of the conservative movement are. So how can I or my employees be biased against them?”

This is the second display of ideological bias to issue from Zuckerberg this year. Earlier, the Facebook executive berated employees for abusing a company-granted “freedom-of-expression” policy to write “all lives matter” on a wall devoted to free expression in the company’s Melo Park, California headquarters. “I could not allow the insensitivity toward the ‘Black lives matter’ meme to sneak in under the protection of so-called ‘freedom of speech,’” Zuckerberg explained. “Freedom must be used responsibly and appropriately. No one has the right to utter opinions that are hurtful to others.”

Zuckerberg offered to “meet with alleged leaders of the conservative moment, if there are any of reputable stature, to discuss whatever objections they may raise to the way I run my company. However, this should not be construed as a capitulation to demands that I modify my policies. Facebook will never become a haven for anti-social and anti-progressive elements to air their perverted views.”

President Decrees New Nationwide School Restroom & Locker Room Law

In a bid aimed at “stopping a confusing patchwork of divergent rules,” President Obama issued an executive order mandating that every public school in the United States make all previously sexually-segregated restrooms and locker rooms open to persons of both sexes. Instead of relying on biological differences to determine which toilets, which showers, or which athletic teams students should have access to, schools must now use psychological differences. Biological males who think of themselves as female must be allowed to use facilities previously restricted to biological females, and vice versa.

Vanita Gupta, head of the Justice Department’s Civil Rights Division hailed the President’s action as “the final blow against the last barrier to a fully non-discriminatory society. This erases the false notion that biology is destiny. The presence or absence of physical attributes has for too long shunted individuals into roles they may not wish to accept. The President’s order frees everyone to be whoever or whatever they want to be.”

Gupta said she was “confident we will get universal compliance. Billions of dollars in federal aid to education can be withheld from school districts that refuse to obey the President’s decree. The price of archaic attachment to out-dated ideas will be too steep for financially strapped schools to pay.”

Judge Blocks Restitution to Innocent Man

Guillermo Espinoza’s efforts to retrieve $19,894 seized by Arkansas State Police were brought to an abrupt halt by Judge Chris Williams. State prosecutors asked that the money be returned to Espinoza since no criminal charges were being pursued against him. Williams rejected this request on the grounds that Espinoza had missed the 10-day deadline for filing the papers to initiate restitution.

As Williams sees it, “the rules on civil forfeiture are clearly spelled out in statute. Whether or not Mr. Espinoza was or wasn’t engaged in any illegal activity is irrelevant. Arkansas law gives the government the right to seize assets it deems may have a connection to a crime. Even if that connection turns out to be illusory, the procedure for reclaiming the seized assets is specified. Mr. Espinoza failed to adhere to that procedure. Thus, the State cannot return the money to him.”

“The civil forfeiture statute is not inextricably tied to the fate of any criminal investigation or prosecution,” Williams pointed out. “Over the history of this statute it has transferred over $80 million into the state treasury. Acquiring revenues is also a legitimate function of government. For me to deviate from the civil forfeiture statute in pursuit of some notion of judicial fairness would abrogate this important revenue-raising function of the law. That is beyond my powers as a judge.”

As an aside, the Judge speculated that “it is by no means certain that the public good would be better served by according Mr. Espinoza a just resolution of his case. The private uses to which he might put the money might easily be eclipsed by the public good that can be done by having the State spend that money on purposes of broader social benefit to all Arkansans.”

White House Dismisses Court Ruling on Obamacare

Federal Judge Rosemary Collyer’s ruling that the Obama Administration has been illegally subsidizing health insurance companies failed to faze the President or his minions.

Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest mocked “the impotence of the President’s political opponents. These court cases are an act of desperation. The GOP has lost this battle in the public arena. Voters reelected President Obama. That gives him all the mandate he needs to govern this country. Complaining that Congress never appropriated the money for the subsidies seeks to elevate a constitutional technicality above the will of voters.”

The “constitutional technicality” that Judge Collyer found persuasive in her ruling was from Article I, section 9: “No Money shall be drawn from the Treasury, but in Consequence of Appropriations made by Law.”

Earnest contended that “a president’s executive action is, effectively, a lawmaking power. President Obama has used this power to bypass Congress’s refusal to carry out its responsibility to fully fund the Affordable Care Act. The President has said on numerous occasions that he will take action if Congress fails to do so. This is one of those occasions. He feels confident that this Judge’s ruling will be overturned by a higher court.”

“The stodgy old ‘separation of powers’ dogma is an impediment to efficient government,” Earnest added. “Each branch of government should be considered an alternate option for moving the country forward. Sometimes Congress may be the best option. Other times the Courts or the President may be. The crucial thing is to keep us on track for the advancement of progressive values and social justice. Since this is what President Obama has been doing for the last seven years there is no good reason for him to stop, no matter what anyone says.”

NYC Mayor Orders Bars to Serve Pregnant Women

New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio banned bars operating in the city from refusing to serve alcohol to pregnant women. This is despite virtually universal medical advice against the consumption of alcohol by expectant mothers.

The Mayor said he is “cognizant of the damage that might be done to an unborn child if its mother imbibes, but the possibility of harm is not a sufficient reason for a business establishment to discriminate against these women. Under New York’s laws a woman has an unconstrained right to kill her unborn child if she so chooses. The less extreme option of merely damaging the child’s health by consuming alcohol is also her prerogative.”

De Blasio cautioned that his new edict “does not absolve bar owners from posting warnings about the dangers of birth defects from alcohol consumption by pregnant women, nor from being sued by any customers whose child may experience these defects. We are protecting the right of women to pursue happiness. We are not immunizing vendors from bearing the responsibility for the consequences to customers who consume their products.”

Clinton Foundation Scandals Pooh-Poohed by Insider

Bill Allison, a senior fellow at the Sunlight Foundation, a government watchdog group, labeled the so-called charity “a slush fund for the Clintons. Only a small fraction of the money raised is distributed as aid. The vast bulk of the money is used on administration, travel, salaries and bonuses, with the fattest payouts going to family friends.”

Clinton Foundation spokesman Craig Minassian asserted that “no laws have been broken. How any charitable trust spends the funds it receives is a matter of discretion. The donors all gave voluntarily. They wanted the Clinton family to have this money. We haven’t heard any complaints from them.”

One possible explanation for the absence of some complaints was that the governments of Algeria, Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, the United Arab Emirates, Oman and Qatar from which donations were obtained all got Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s approval to purchase $165 billion worth of armaments despite being ruled by authoritarian regimes guilty of numerous human rights abuses.

Minassian contended that the arms deals “were good for American businesses” and that “extracting cash from Middle Eastern dictatorships in order to pay for the salaries and perks enjoyed by Foundation employees is a good thing. Donald Trump charges Hillary with being crooked, but even he has got to be envious of the alchemy she has achieved via the synergistic combination of her public and private power.”

In related news, the hedge fund run by Chelsea Clinton’s husband Marc Mezvinsky suffered a catastrophic 90% loss. Mezvinsky issued a statement aimed at reassuring the general public that “neither the beloved former First Daughter nor I will experience any financial setbacks from this debacle. My commissions have already been collected and our assets are insulated from attachment. Our $10 million home is safe and our lifestyle will not be negatively affected.”

London Mayor Endorses Hillary, Warns against Electing Trump

Recently elected London Mayor Sadiq Khan formally endorsed Hillary Clinton for president and warned that “her Republican opponent’s ignorant anti-Muslim views will bring retribution.”

“The gift of Islam is free for the taking,” Khan said. “All are welcome to join the umma. Those who wish to remain unbelievers are free to do so, but they must show proper respect toward the one true religion. Mr. Trump’s proposal to ban Muslims from coming to America is disrespectful. Allah has given the world to Muslims. It is not for any unbeliever to say where Muslims may or may not go.”

Khan predicted that “any attempt to impede Muslim travel to America will invite attack. The Quran only binds Muslims to peaceful relations with unbelievers who accept their submission to Islamic law and pay the jizya. By announcing a policy of resistance Mr. Trump puts all Americans at risk.”

The Mayor advised citizens of the United States “to elect a person who understands the only peaceful way for Muslims and non-Muslims to interact. Secretary Clinton, in my opinion, is such a person. Voters should cast their ballots for her as if their lives depended upon it.”

Trump campaign spokesperson Katrina Pierson welcomed the Mayor’s comments saying “they help clarify the stakes of this election. The fact that a so-called ‘moderate’ Muslim is so quick to raise the threat of violence supports Donald’s advice of caution about who we allow into this country. At a very fundamental level, keeping out people who may believe they have a religious right or obligation to kill you seems like common sense.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

ACLU Bemoans Court’s Pro-Choice Decision

 By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnThis week Nevada District Judge Eric Johnson dismissed the ACLU’s case against the state’s school choice law. A change to Nevada statutes creating an education savings account (ESA) program that permits students and their parents to choose how to be educated was the source of the ACLU’s ire.

Author of the legislation, State Sen. Scott Hammond (R-Las Vegas) said his aim was “to enable families to completely customize their child’s educational experience, and ensure students can match education options and providers to their unique learning needs.” These accounts can be used to pay for private school tuition, online learning, special education services and therapies, textbooks, curricula, private tutors, and any other education-related service, product, or provider.

Under this ill-conceived law state funds for education can be used in any manner seen fit by parents or their children,” complained ACLU spokesman Bertram Petty. “The legislature has heedlessly granted freedom to the uninformed. Neither parents nor students are qualified to decide such matters. Only the public school system has the expertise needed to guide each student toward the proper educational outcome.”

While the ACLU’s case was dismissed by one judge, another—Judge James Wilson of the First Judicial District Court of Nevada (Carson City)–issued an injunction preventing the funding of the more than 4,000 ESA’s requested and awarded under the statute. Petty praised Wilson’s action, calling it “a crucial bulwark against diverting state resources into unregulated private hands. The State has gone through an arduous process of extracting these funds from the private sector. We must not allow this money to be frittered away via the ignorant choices of parents and students.”

Senator Aims to Redefine “Violent Crimes”

New Jersey Democratic Sen. Cory Booker is seeking a redefinition of “violent crimes.” As a co-sponsor of the Sentencing Reform and Corrections Act of 2015 (SRCA), Booker is urging “a candid conversation about how we determine whether crimes are violent or not.”

For too long a racist mindset has dominated how we look at crime,” Booker charged. “In white society stabbing or shooting someone is considered abnormal and violent. This unfairly stigmatizes Black culture. Sentencing a minority offender based on white standards disproportionately impacts a vibrant segment of society.”

Booker urged that “we recognize the longer term history of racial oppression in this country and factor that into how we think about modern society. For hundreds of years Blacks were owned by whites and were brutally abused. This inculcated a predisposition to look to violence and brutality as normal tools for securing obedience and exploiting others. Is it any wonder that this would have negative repercussions today?”

The Senator recommended that “we cut the brothers some slack if the victim of his so-called violent act is a descendant of a former oppressor. This would be a kind of non-monetary reparation for crimes committed against his ancestors—a sort of social justice self-defense that ought to mitigate the punishment meted out to the brothers for taking unauthorized independent steps to right earlier wrongs.”

Both Democratic presidential contenders called Booker’s thinking “innovative” and “long overdue.” Sen. Bernie Sanders pronounced himself “an admirer of street justice that moves us closer to the redistribution of society’s wealth and privileges.” Hillary Clinton promised “it will be an approach that my Attorney General will take in all cases that come under federal purview and will guide my selections of future Supreme Court appointees.”

In related news, California’s decriminalization of shoplifting has been followed by a 100% increase in the practice. Gov. Jerry Brown professed not to be bothered by the phenomenon, cautioning that “we not jump to the conclusion that these guerrilla transfers of ownership are necessarily unjust. If we were to use need as our scale, it is by no means clear that shoplifting doesn’t result in a more equitable distribution of wealth.”

CPUSA Pledges to Support Democrat for President

The Communist Party of the United States (CPUSA) has enthusiastically endorsed “comrade Bernie Sanders as the progressive choice to complete the socialist revolution in America,” but pledged its “support for whoever emerges with the Democratic Party’s presidential nomination.”

John Bachtell, national chair of the CPUSA expressed his “pleasure with the progressive evolution of the Democratic Party. The Communist agenda has been totally absorbed by this mainstream Party. President Obama has taken this country further down the road than we could ever have hoped to do on our own. Although Bernie has been a long-time member of the revolutionary movement, Secretary Clinton’s promise to continue the policies of Obama give her enough credibility to be an acceptable second choice.”

We had feared that it would take decades for us to realize our objectives of abolishing private property and eliminating traditional Judeo-Christian values that oppress alternative lifestyles,” Bachtell said. “But the massive voter support for Sanders and Clinton shows we are on the cusp of triumph. The extermination of greed and the age of absolute equality are now only one election away.”

Bachtell boasted that “we are especially elated by the peaceful acquisition of power that is at hand. Unlike Lenin or Mao we haven’t had to engage in armed conflict to overthrow the government. The expropriation of the expropriators will be attained by the freely given votes of the American electorate. By January of 2017, the armed forces and police will be under the control of a progressive government. Resistance will be futile and, where necessary, severely dealt with. It will be glorious.”

Pope Confuses Christians

Pope Francis startled many Catholics this week by likening Jesus’ admonition to his apostles to go forth and preach the Gospel to Mohamed’s call for Muslims to wage jihad against unbelievers, calling both “incitements to conquest.”

In a way, beheading someone or blowing them up may be less intrusive than Jesus’ command to ‘love thy neighbor’ or to ‘turn the other cheek,’” Francis said. “The jihadi attacks the body, but the Christian missionary invades the soul. Even the most grievous injury to the flesh is transitory. But changing a person’s soul persists beyond his temporary Earthly existence.”

Francis went on to admire “the amazing fecundity of the Muslim people” and suggested that “Christians might overcome declining birth rates by interbreeding with them. European cultures have put a selfish search for well-being ahead of their obligation to be fruitful and multiply. Unlike Christian women, Muslim females do not disobey their husbands and submit to bearing many children. Unlike Christian men, Muslim males are lusty and unafraid of impregnating females even if they have to resort to rape to accomplish it. Perhaps by intermixing on a sexual level the best of both faiths could be achieved and the rationale for Islamic violence attenuated.”

In related news, Democratic presidential contender Hillary Clinton said GOP contender Donald Trump’s “anti-Muslim attitude is a disqualifying stance. They wouldn’t have to blow up airliners or decapitate hostages if they were assured access to America. Trump’s proposed ban leaves them no alternative but violence if they are to accomplish their political and religious objectives.” Clinton vowed she would “be pursuing a contrasting strategy of peaceful change. If we integrate them into our society as equals we may divert them toward using nonviolent means to implement their world view.”

Ugly Women Will Put Hillary in White House” Says Dem

Former Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell (D) bragged that “ugly women will put Hillary in the White House next November. Donald Trump may have sponsored beauty pageants, but let’s face it, the overwhelming majority of women are ugly. They’re going to vote for one of their own kind over a billionaire misogynist.”

For one thing, the Democratic Party is a better friend to ugly women,” Rendell contended. “We give them what they want. We give them welfare, which comes in handy if you’re too ugly or nasty to hold onto a man. We enact laws that give them the right to sue anyone who looks at them or speaks to them in a demeaning or insulting manner. We made sure that Obamacare would cover all of the psychotropic medications they might need to adjust to their disappointment for being ugly.”

What does Trump or the GOP offer them?” the governor asked. “The right to join the rat race and get ahead if they’re competent? That’s a pretty weak gruel. The free market offers that to everybody. A robust government is one that can give you more than you could get on your own. Letting people keep what they earn would be like having no government at all. We don’t think the majority of voters will opt to go that route.”

White House Defends Rhodes’ Lies

While Deputy National Security Adviser Ben Rhodes’ lies about the Iran deal are a self-admitted matter of public record, an irate GOP controlled Congress will not be permitted to call him to testify.

Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest brushed aside Rhodes’ admission in a New York Times feature article that “we fabricated the narrative and played the media like a fiddle,” as a “youthful mistake borne of an excess of enthusiasm. The fact of the matter is that Mr. Rhodes has the full confidence of President Obama and was carrying out his directives as he briefed the media regarding the delicate negotiations. No useful purpose would be served by having him appear before Congress.”

Earnest rejected GOP contentions that they are only trying to get to the truth about the Iran deal. “As a famous historical figure is reputed to have asked, ‘what is truth?’” Earnest replied. “Subjecting the President’s loyal adjuncts to a Congressional inquisition isn’t something we’re going to allow. The President has done what he has deemed best for the country. No one has the need or right to know anything more than that.”

In related news, Iranian lawmakers are preparing a lawsuit against the United States to seek compensation for damage inflicted by Washington’s “hostile moves.” The list of particulars for which the regime is seeking billions of dollars in damages includes “continued resistance to the will of Allah, interference with arms shipments to Hezbollah, and the attempted rescue of hostages by unauthorized incursions into Iran by the Carter Administration in 1980.” The Obama Administration is said to be weighing a “nolo contendere” plea. As explained by Earnest, “the President has already acknowledged the errors of prior administrations and sees no point in prolonging a case we cannot win.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.