Senator Introduces ‘Accountable Capitalism Act’

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) is sponsoring legislation that would negate the control of corporate shareholders and transfer authority to government. Her bill—the “Accountable Capitalism Act”–is, in her words, “intended to replace greedy profiteering with the more socially beneficial guidance of government oversight.”

The prime motive for the bill was her discovery that employees share of the income generated by businesses has fallen from 85% 20 years ago to “only” 75% today. “As Karl Marx conclusively proved more than 150 years ago, all the value created by businesses comes from labor,” Warren contended. “It is shameful that any of this value is expropriated by the capitalistic overlords. My bill would correct this travesty and bring about an era of social justice the likes of which the world has never seen.”

Critics have pointed out that her legislation would institute an economic structure eerily similar to that of the National Socialist German Workers’ Party in the 1930s. Undeterred, Warren argued that “while we can all abhor the vile racist goals of the Nazis we shouldn’t let that blind us to the economic virtues of their system. The economy boomed and gave a grossly outnumbered Germany the strength to take on nearly every government in Europe and nearly win. By shifting the governance of business from a narrow focus on earning profits by selfishly serving private individuals and imposing a requirement that they serve the national interest my bill will make America stronger and move us closer to attaining the utopia envisioned by Marx in his Communist Manifesto.”

Chris Cuomo: “Antifa Violence” Justified

CNN’s Chris Cuomo defended Antifa’s assaults on political opponents, calling it “a justifiable tactic to combat bigotry. The attempt to equate this with Nazi Brownshirts beating up Jews and political opponents is unfair. The Nazis were bigots. Their victims were innocent. Antifa’s victims are the right wing bigots who support the ‘bigot-in-chief’ who occupies the White House. Cracking their skulls is a socially beneficial use of violence for a good cause.”

In related news, CNN filed a motion to unseal the names and addresses of the jurors in the Manafort trial. The motion asserted that “the public has a right to know who these people are and the jurors need to know that they will be held accountable for their decision. If the appropriate verdict isn’t rendered at the trial a righteously offended public has to have a reasonable avenue for expressing their outrage. The fact that the jurors will be at home over the weekend before returning on Monday for further deliberations makes it all the more urgent that the opportunity for interface between jurors and citizens interested in the ultimate verdict be afforded in a timely fashion.”

Andrew Cuomo: “America Was Never that Great”

In what many suspect is an opening salvo in a potential 2020 run for president, Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D-NY) sought to establish a sharp contrast between himself and President Trump by telling an audience of Democratic partisans that “America was never that great.” This strong rebuttal to Trump’s pledge to “make America great again” elicited a mixed reaction. Some applauded his honesty. Others chided it.

Cuomo defended his contention by citing slavery, discrimination, and sexism. “America won’t be great until everyone is equal,” Cuomo insisted. “The descendants of those who benefited from slavery, discrimination, and sexism must first experience the sting of being on the receiving end of those damaging policies and attitudes. Those who are white need to be forced to toil for the benefit of minorities. Those who are white must be sent to the back of the bus. Those who are male must endure the same pain that women have endured since the beginning of time. Then America will be on the true path of greatness.”

Cuomo spokeswoman Dani Lever endeavored to clarify his remarks by saying that “an acknowledgment of mistakes must precede improvement. While Trump and his apologists assert that equality of opportunity is what makes America great this is little comfort to those unable or unwilling to make the effort to improve their lot in life. Not everyone is born with the talent or ambition to achieve the American dream on his or her own. The Governor believes it is the duty of government to level out this imbalance if we are to ensure that everyone can enjoy the good life regardless of whether they can ‘earn it’ for themselves. That has been the long-standing difference between Democrats and Republicans.”

Sexual Abuse a Religious Freedom Issue

The accusations that Democratic National Committee vice chairman Keith Ellison sexually abused two women may become the latest case of social mores butting up against religious freedom. DNC chairman Tom Perez reminded critics of Ellison’s behavior that “imposition of Christian standards of behavior on a Muslim man violate the First Amendment protection against government infringement on the free exercise of religion.”

“Under Islam, a man has total dominance over a woman,” Perez observed. “First, under sharia law, a woman is effectively only half as human as a man. Using this math, each of the accusers’ testimony is out weighed by a ratio of 1.0:0.5. That’s a two-thirds super-majority. Second, the right of a man to discipline a woman using moderate beatings is expressly authorized. Those demanding that Keith step down from his position in government and bow out of the race for Minnesota Attorney General would be applying an unconstitutional religious test for holding public office.”

Deep State Denizens Object to Losing Clearances

This week’s revocation of the security clearance of former CIA Director John Brennan elicited howls of protest from deep state apparatchiks. Brennan himself characterized the action as “treasonous. My ability to continue protecting this nation by leaking selected classified information to the media in our continuing effort to blunt the influence of President Trump is eviscerated by this cruel and callous act.”

Former FBI Director James Comey called it “an illegitimate use of executive authority. Nominally, a president has the power to award or remove anyone’s access to classified material. But Trump’s selective use of this authority against those of us who are trying to end his tyranny should frighten every right-thinking American.”

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) maintained that “this action is a pathetic attempt to silence critics. The credibility of Director Brennan is tied to the perception that he is a patriot working for what’s best for the country. Canceling his clearance taints that perception and undermines his credibility with the general public. The reminder that he was once a member of the Communist Party further taints that credibility and is as underhanded a political move as I have ever seen.”

Washington Post editor/columnist Eugene Robinson insisted that “canceling Brennan’s access to classified information is just a blatant abuse of power. I mean, I don’t know what else you can call it. And really should be one of the eventual articles of impeachment.” Robinson rebuffed contentions that former government officials no longer have a valid need to see classified files by pointing out that “Brennan is now employed as a commentator for MSNBC. His value in that capacity is enormously enhanced by continued access to secret government files. Removing that access will limit his value and endanger his job.”

For his part, Brennan vowed to press on saying that “while my official access may have been canceled I still have many friends and contacts in the government who do have access that I can count on to include me in the continuing fight to unseat the usurper. If I could successfully leak classified info to the media when I was in the CIA those still in the CIA can leak it to me now that I am in the media.”

San Francisco Launches “Poop Patrol”

In another triumph of progress politics, the City of San Francisco has announced the formation of an official “Poop Patrol” to scour the streets and remove the mounting piles of human excrement deposited by the homeless inhabitants of the community. The Patrol will start with a staff of six—one supervisor and five workers.

Public works department spokeswoman Rachel Gordon said “we’re not denying the right of the homeless to carry out necessary bodily functions as they see fit. After all, the streets and sidewalks are public spaces open to all. We want the homeless to understand that this is not meant to criticize their life style, but to help mitigate the negative health consequences of letting the stuff pile up to intolerable levels.”

The new Patrol will supplement the existing “Pit Stop” and 311 “Poop Hot Line” programs, which failed to stem the rising tide of human waste infesting the City’s public spaces. “The Pit Stop program provides public toilets in the downtown area, however, we realize that not everyone has the energy or motivation to make their way to these facilities,” Gordon observed. “Likewise, relying on citizens to call in sightings has a negative impact of perceptions of how clean and safe the community is. It’s one thing to ask citizens to phone in crimes-in-progress like they do in Chicago. The caller could save someone’s life or help catch a murderer. It’s embarrassing to ask citizens to report defecations-in-progress. The caller may feel like a prude or peeping Tom.”

McConnell Concocts a “Chameleon” Election Strategy

Concerned by predictions that a Democratic “blue wave” could lead to a loss of Republican majorities in the House and Senate, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky) has devised what he boasted is “a foolproof plan to avert disaster.”

The gist of this plan is to blur the differences between the two Parties by scheduling a number of votes on bipartisan bills that garner support from both sides of the aisle. The bills the Majority Leader has in mind include votes on the Defense and Labor, Health and Human Services spending bill, opioids legislation and the Water Resources Development Act. “I call it the ‘chameleon’ ploy,” McConnell said. “If Republicans and Democrats are voting on the same side of this issues voters won’t have a good reason to vote against us and the blue wave will be dissipated.”

“We’re in a tough spot,” McConnell argued. “The tax cuts we passed have energized the media against our Party. They can be counted on to remind voters that we implemented legislation that effectively pushed more people into the workforce—people that were previously perfectly comfortable subsisting on welfare. The deregulation implemented under President Trump’s direction has enabled an economic expansion that has created new jobs that undermined the rationale for idleness. Democrats will lambaste us for this in their campaign ads. The ‘chameleon’ strategy will moderate voters anger over what Republicans have done to disrupt their lives.”

McConnell rebuffed President Trump’s request to schedule a vote on making the individual component of the tax cut bill permanent on the dual grounds that “this would simply remind voters who may have already forgotten who pushed the tax cut through and would anger the Democrats who will likely be the majority after the election no matter what we do to try to avert that.”

Chelsea Clinton Touts Economic Benefits of Abortion

In a bid to energize Democratic voters for the upcoming congressional elections, former First Daughter Chelsea Clinton touted the economic benefits of abortion.

“Since 1973’s Roe v. Wade decision, the legal termination of more than 50 million useless eaters has saved the US economy more than $3.5 trillion,” she told the pro-abortion crowd. “By relieving 50 million women from the drudgery of child rearing the ruling enabled them to employ their talents more productively by taking jobs and earning a higher income.”

“All these benefits are in danger if Democrats can’t take control of Congress to block pro-life legislation and pro-life judicial appointments,” Clinton pointed out. “Republicans are determined to put the interests of unwanted children ahead of the economic prosperity of women. Whether it be a Kavanaugh ascending to the Supreme Court or a legislature enacting civil rights for the unborn, the threat is real. That’s why it is absolutely crucial that we get out and vote this November.”

In related news, Rep. Grace Meng (D-NY) is sponsoring a Constitutional Amendment that would lower the voting age to 16. “Any woman old enough to possibly need an abortion ought to have a say in electing those who have the power to ensure that this right remains inviolable,” Meng asserted. “The same goes for any young man who might need an escape clause from the obligation of providing support for a child he fathers but does not want.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

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NY Times Hires Racist Editorial Writer

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

The New York Times announced it is adding Sarah Jeong to its editorial board. Ms. Jeong is noted for her anti-white animus that has been expressed in tweets like “how much joy I get out of being cruel to old white men,” “white people are marking up the internet with their opinions like dogs pissing on fire hydrants,” and “white people are only fit to live underground like groveling goblins.”

“We hired Sarah Jeong because of the exceptional work she has done,” the Times explained. “She offers a perspective that is both a powerful and timely contribution to the climate of hate that has been sweeping the country since Trump became president.”

Pardoned NY Ex-Cons to Vote in November

Last May, New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo issued an executive order restoring the voting rights of more than 20,000 ex-cons still on parole. Included among the 20,000 were a triple cop-killer, murderers, rapists, and pedophiles banned from being with 1,000 feet of schools. In the two months since the executive order more than 100 of these individuals are back in jail for violating their parole and/or committing new crimes.

Still, Cuomo expressed satisfaction with his action, saying that “the pardons are working as intended. The recidivism rate is too slow to make much of a dent in the Democratic votes that will be cast in November. I doubt that Republicans can find enough votes to offset the 20,000 that our Party will gain.”

Court Nominee Would Deny Children the Right to Be Aborted

Jennifer Allen, CEO of Planned Parenthood Votes Northwest and Hawaii, urged supporters to go all out to oppose the confirmation of Bret Kavanaugh to the US Supreme Court, pointing out that “if Kavanaugh’s vote is the one needed to overturn Roe v. Wade future generations of children will be denied their right to be aborted by their mothers. The amount of suffering that such an outcome would inflict on these children is a cruelty that must be averted.”

Maduro Admits Economy Has Failed

As food and medicine shortages and public service paralysis have wracked Venezuela, President Nicolas Maduro admitted his economic model has failed. The “model” has entailed nationalization of major industrial sectors, the expropriation of hundreds of businesses, and widespread price controls.

The President called upon “my socialist comrades to join with me in devising more effective directives to get the economy moving again. Our country is not the first to face these kinds of problems. When the Soviet Union was trying to build socialism wreckers and saboteurs undermined the plans laid out by the Politburo. It took the strength of Stalin to order the harsh measures required. Many died, but a backward nation was built into a world power through these sacrifices. We need to learn from this model and make the hard choices necessary.”

In related news, Maduro announced he was “seconding” former President Obama’s endorsement of 81 Democrats in primaries preceding the November elections. “I don’t know much about these candidates, but I do know that President Obama has solid progressive values,” he said. “Anyone he likes is good enough for me.”

No Christians Among UK’s Syrian Refugees

Of the more than 1,000 refugees admitted into the United Kingdom from war-torn Syria during the first quarter of 2018 none were Christians. Home Secretary Sajid Javid explained that “for us to admit Christians would merely exacerbate the already existing religious imbalance between the two countries. We already have a surplus of Christians in the UK and a comparative shortage of Muslims. The opposite is the case in Syria.”

Javid acknowledged that “the discrimination, oppression, and murder of Christians in Muslim-run countries is unfortunate. However, we feel we must take a longer range perspective. That perspective is founded on the premise that if we can achieve a greater religious and ethnic balance among all the nations of the world the motive for discrimination, oppression, war, and atrocities will diminish.”

Wage Gains Threaten Democracy

News that American workers pay and benefits are now rising at a faster pace than any time during the Obama years has sparked fear in the Democratic Party. The proclaimed “future” of the Party Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, recent winner of the Democratic congressional primary in Brooklyn, New York, sees this development as “a direct threat to our democracy. The GOP scheme to boost the working class into the ranks of higher income is intended to undermine their support for the Democratic Party.”

“A key to bringing the benefits of socialism to America is the class solidarity among the workers,” Ocasio-Cortez said. “The tax cuts and deregulation foisted on the economy by Trump and the Republicans is meant to break the bonds of solidarity by encouraging workers to pursue the capitalistic goal of self-enrichment through hard work rather than the socialist strategy of seeking a fairer distribution of wealth through political action. We need workers to support socialism with their votes and must take whatever actions are necessary to thwart the effort to convert workers into greedy, money-grubbing capitalists.”

Meanwhile, the Trump plan to convert workers into capitalists is now exploring the idea of indexing capital gains for inflation. Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin observed that “as it currently stands, the tax code penalizes individuals who invest in a home or a retirement account by handing them a tax bill for the impact inflation has on their investments. Phantom gains result in higher tax liability that depletes retirement income and confiscates a portion of the equity of their homes if they sell in order to move to a smaller dwelling.” The New York Times lambasted the Secretary’s remarks as “based on the faulty premise that individuals have a stronger claim on the assets they’ve accumulated than the government does.”

Dems Buy Websites Smearing GOP Senators

At first, the appearance of 27 new web domains with the names of incumbent Republican senators followed by “forsale” was feared to represent more Russian meddling with an upcoming election. Sen. Angus King, (I-Maine) called this “a malicious use of the Internet that is particularly concerning.”

Later, it was discovered that the Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee (DSCC) had set up these accounts. Lauren Passalacqua, communications director at the DSCC, characterized the smear as “a routine campaign practice.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Senator Depressed Over Second Quarter GDP Numbers

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

 The announcement that the U.S. economy grew by 4.1 percent for the recently completed quarter sent Sen. Cory Booker (D-NJ) into a fit of nearly suicidal depression. “If this keeps up it will reverse all the progress achieved by President Obama,” the senator lamented.

During the eight years that Barack Obama was president the GDP averaged an annual growth rate of less than 2 percent and never once reached 3 percent for any of those years—the first time that this has happened during any previous administration since the statistic has been tracked.

Booker attributed the disparate economic growth patterns to “racism and sexism, pure and simple. The same white bigots who refused to invest when a black man was president have come forward to reward the white man who conspired with the Russians to cheat a woman out of her turn to be the nation’s ruler.”

The possibility that differing economic policies could have played a role in the differing outcomes was rejected by the Senator. “A person has to be optimistic about the future in order to invest in businesses that grow the economy,” Booker asserted. “President Obama was a man that everyone I know was supremely optimistic about. The same can’t be said about Trump. Everyone I know hates him and his policies.”

“I think the problem is that the wrong people are being allowed to make investment decisions,” Booker opined. “Trump has undone a lot of the regulations that gave the government the final say on how society’s limited resources were to be used. If we were to examine the details behind the 4.1 percent growth rate we’d find that the wrong products are being produced. So even though unemployment is at historic lows the jobs aren’t contributing to socially desirable outputs. This is not the direction our country should be going.”

The Democrat expressed his confidence that “the upcoming elections will show that voters reject the false prosperity engendered by the Trump Administration. When Democrats regain the majority in Congress we will put a stop to it. We will repeal the tax cuts, reimpose the regulations, and impeach the usurper who tried to impede the fundamental transformation President Obama promised would be his legacy.”

Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass)–a projected rival of Booker’s for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination—said she felt sympathy for his depression, but called his approach to getting the country back on track “timid. We can and need to do more than just undo what Trump has done. There was a time in this country when tax rates exceeded 90% of a person’s income. So, I think there’s a lot more upside to explore on the tax issue. Why should a person who earns a billion dollars be allowed to keep $100 million of it when there are so many poor people who need that money? Even a 99 percent tax rate would still leave that rich person with $10 million, which is far more than he needs to live on. Ultimately, I think we need to move toward a system where the government controls all the money and distributes it based solely on need.”

Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand (D-NY)–yet another potential 2020 Democratic presidential contender—commended “the forward thinking of my colleagues, but the most crucial issue for our Party is the abolition of ICE. Only the total elimination of all barriers to immigration will ensure the future electoral success for Democrats across the nation.”

Clapper Says Security Clearance Essential

While it is a normal business practice for former employees to turn in their keys and lose access to their employers’ confidential communications, former Director of National Intelligence James Clapper says the Trump Administration removing his security clearance would be “a low blow.”

“I was hired by CNN with the expectation that my continued access to the government’s classified information would make my commentary more interesting and credible,” Clapper pointed out. “Stripping my clearance from me is a direct attack on my ability to fully monetize my expertise. It will deter my contacts who are current DNI employees from leaking classified information to me because it is a felony to convey classified information to a person not authorized to receive it. Loss of these leaks would put me in the same disadvantageous position as any other private citizen when it comes to knowing what’s really going on inside the government and would violate the terms of my contract with CNN.”

The Trump Administration would not be the first to cancel former employees’ security clearances. Reviewing whether someone no longer employed by the government ought to retain access to classified information is fairly routine. Former President Obama canceled the security clearances of a number of former Bush Administration employees.

Clapper’s objection is that his prospective loss of his security clearance is “not routine. The fact that I have been attacking Trump on a regular basis makes it look like it’s personal. I view it as my patriotic duty to attack him for his unfitness to serve as president. I am only continuing the effort of the intelligence community to prevent the nation from the harm he is causing to the country. Just because we weren’t able to prevent his election doesn’t relieve us of the obligation to continue the fight. Tying my hands by revoking my security clearance is an unfair tactic that would, by itself, further demonstrates his unfitness for office.”

NBC News reporter Ken Dilanian confirmed Clapper’s assessment of the financial impact that losing his security clearance will have on him saying “the only thread of credibility we have for interviews with these guys is the supposition that they have ‘real intelligence’ backing up what they say. If everyone knows they lost their clearance this thread will have been snipped. So, yeah, their gigs with the cable networks would be endangered if that happened.”

House Minority Whip Steny Hoyer (D-Md) agreed with Clapper’s complaint and characterized the canceling of security clearances as “something a totalitarian regime would do. The work of Clapper, Brennan, and the other former intelligence officials to take down the rogue Trump regime is in the vital interest of the American people. Access to classified materials is their key weapon in this fight. Disarming them in this way is same the kind of thing Hitler and Stalin did to make their enemies helpless to defend themselves.”

Massachusetts Passes NASTY Women Act

Alarmed that the confirmation of a Trump appointee to the US Supreme Court could eventually lead to the overturning of the 1973 Roe v. Wade decision legalizing unrestricted abortions, the Massachusetts Democratic legislature and Republican governor combined to enact the NASTY Women Act (Negating Archaic Statutes Targeting Young Women Act).

Gov. Charlie Baker called it “a great day for our state. By being proactive, Massachusetts will be prepared for the eventuality that the federal policy mandating that abortion is the default position in America will be eliminated. States that wait until Roe v. Wade is reversed could see a gap in which unwanted babies are not terminated because there is no state law in place to ensure that undesirable births don’t occur.”

Anne Fox of Massachusetts Citizens for Life called the legislation “a political stunt. Massachusetts is one of the 15 states which have abortion enshrined in their state Constitutions. Overturning Roe v. Wade will change nothing in this state.”

Rep. Jim Hawkins (D-Attleboro) begged to differ, “that is where Ms. Fox is wrong. We are going to raise a ton of money off of the ‘stunt’–money that will be used to elect more pro-choice Democrats across the state. Combined with Planned Parenthood’s catchy ‘freedom to f**k’ slogan I can see it fueling a ‘blue wave’ nationwide. Considering the havoc wrought on the planet by the excess human population, making sure that abortion remains the policy in as many places as possible is crucial if we hope to save the environment.”

Food Fascism Gains Ground in California

Two San Francisco city officials are pushing an ordinance that would ban businesses from providing in-house cafeterias for their employees. The measure’s co-sponsor, Supervisor Aaron Peskin, argues that “local employers like Airbnb and Twitter are wrongfully denying nearby restaurants the sales they would be entitled to expect if the cafeterias did not exist.”

“It’s really about equality,” Peskin insisted. “Just because you work for a generous employer shouldn’t mean you aren’t forced to go out for lunch like the rest of us.” Of course, the “equality” aspect is tarnished a bit by the measure’s “grandfather” clause authorizing those establishments that already have cafeterias to continue operating them. Competing business would be barred from establishing new cafeterias.

Peskin also has his eye on companies hiring private buses that enable their employees to commute in relative luxury. “The City has its own train and bus services funded by the taxpayers,” Peskin observed. “It is everyone civic duty to ride these. No one should be permitted to skirt this responsibility just because they have access to a more convenient and comfortable alternative.”

Meanwhile, the city of Santa Barbara has passed an ordinance that levies a punishment of up to six months in jail and/or a fine of up to $1,000 for each plastic straw a waiter gives to a restaurant customer. Santa Barbara’s Environmental Services Outreach Coordinator, Bryan Latchford emphasized the “up to” wording of the ordinance. “Enforcement will be on a case-by-case basis,” he explained. “There could be some leniency for first offenders. The harshest penalties would normally be meted out only to the worst violators—like those who have been previously warned or waiters who give customers straws without the customer requesting it. I mean, it’s still illegal even if the customer requests it, but the request might be a mitigating factor—especially if the customer is insistent or aggressive.”

Masked Fascists Attack Jewish Coffee Shop

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

A mob of masked criminals attacked the Asher Caffe & Lounge on 945 S. Boyle Ave. in the Boyle Heights neighborhood of Los Angeles—throwing feces and screaming at patrons and employees of the Jewish-owned business. The grievances of the attackers included a charge that the owner is a Trump supporter and that he is gentrifying the neighborhood against the wishes of its inhabitants.

The group of attackers calls itself “Defend Boyle Heights.” A masked spokesman who refused to give his name defended “our right to decide who can live and do business in our neighborhood. We don’t want Trump supporters here. We don’t want our neighborhood’s character to be polluted by the presence of undesirable outsiders.”

The spokesman justified the wearing of masks, saying that “we have the right to a ‘secret ballot’ without fear of intimidation by cops who enforce the will of the their fascist overlords,” and maintained that “terrorizing customers and throwing shit helps counterbalance the evil influence of those trying to suppress our democratic rights.”

In a show of solidarity, the Boyle Heights Chamber of Commerce expelled the coffee shop owner Asher Shalom from its membership rolls. Chamber president Jennifer Lahoda explained that “Mr. Shalom’s views are not in line with the values and objectives of the Boyle Heights Chamber of Commerce. Boyle Heights thrives because of our diverse immigrant population. The Chamber will always celebrate and support this fact. Mr. Shalom is not an immigrant. He is a white American citizen. This, in itself, offends the majority of those who live here. We cannot let a member of the neighborhood’s minority Jewish population impose its alien values against the wishes of the majority.”

Schumer Forbids Second Summit with Putin

US Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) said he won’t allow anymore meetings between President Trump and Russian President Putin “until I have seen a full transcript of their one-on-one private talks and am satisfied that Trump has not committed treason.”

Even if Schumer’s demand were not an egregious overstepping of his limited authority as Senate Minority Leader, its fulfillment is impeded by the fact that the one-on-one talk was not recorded. Nevertheless, Schumer was adamant that “the American people have a right to know what was said. His public statement expressing doubts about our own intelligence community’s accuracy regarding Russian interference in the 2016 election displayed a breathtaking disloyalty to the brave men and women who are working diligently to save the country from the disastrous outcome of the 2016 election.”

Undaunted by Schumer’s demand, Trump has asked national security adviser John Bolton to work on setting up a second summit with Putin in Washington, DC for this Fall. “I look forward to our second meeting so that we can start implementing some of the many things discussed, including stopping terrorism, security for Israel, and nuclear nonproliferation,” Trump said.

“The list of items to be discussed and the timing of this planned summit are highly suspicious,” the Schumer claimed. “At best, it would only serve to divert voters attention from the very serious allegations against Trump that have not yet been refuted. One the one hand, we have FBI agent Peter Strzok’s text alleging that Trump is an idiot. Should we permit an idiot to deal with such volatile issues like terrorism and nuclear nonproliferation? On the other hand, many in Congress have leveled charges of treason against Trump. Should we permit a person charged with treason to deal with these issues? I think Trump should stand down from all presidential duties until these allegations have been conclusively disproved.”

Schumer’s perspective was shared by former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton who called “Trump’s willingness to consider allowing Putin to ask questions of former ambassador to Russia Michael McFaul is troubling. For a president to not defend a US envoy is a clear case of gross negligence and dereliction of duty.”

Putin wants to ask McFaul about a tax evasion and money laundering scheme that he alleges ended up diverting $400 million to the Clinton presidential campaign. Whether Trump’s failure to immediately reject Putin’s request is worse than President Obama’s and Secretary of State Clinton’s failure to attempt a rescue of America’s Libyan Ambassador Christopher Stevens from the terrorists who ultimately murdered him seems dubious, at best.

As irrational as some of these leading Democratic politicians’ hysteria over the summit may be, others went even further into loony land. CNN host Chris Cuomo characterized the Russian election meddling as “an act of war” and wondered “why aren’t we talking about a retaliatory strike? I mean, if Bush could take us to war in Iraq in pursuit of non-existent weapons of mass destruction, why isn’t anyone in Congress or the Administration working on a ‘shock-and-awe’ plan to teach Putin and his goons a stern lesson?” HuffPo’s Mike Signorile, MarketWatch’s Rex Nutting, Sen. Richard Blumenthal (D-CT), DNC chairman Tom Perez, and Hollywood actor-director Rob Reiner expressed similar sentiments, while Rep. Steve Cohen (D-TN) and CNN analyst Philip Mudd called for a military coup to overthrow President Trump.

Rising Star Dem Predicts Demise of Capitalism

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, upset winner over ten-term Democratic incumbent Joe Crowley in New York’s 14th congressional district, touted her progressive democratic-socialism as “the wave of the future. Capitalism is a fleeting phenomenon. Its fundamentally unfair distribution of wealth will be replaced by a democratic reallocation in the not too distant future.”

“The notion that individuals should be free to exploit their abilities and efforts for personal enrichment without being required to share the benefits with those less able or willing to work as hard is socially unjust,” she argued. “Marx recognized this. That’s why he designed a system calling for a collective aggregation of wealth that would be distributed on the basis of need. The one glitch in his system is that it calls for a dictatorship of the proletariat to decide who will do what work and who will be allocated what compensation. My idea is to replace the dictatorship with a democratic process where the votes of the majority will make these decisions.”

“Under democratic-socialism voters will decide who can open a business, who it will employ, and how its profits will be distributed,” the congressional candidate explained. “That’s why it’s important to erase international borders. There are desperately poor people all over the world. Until we have a world government that can transfer wealth from rich places like the United States to poor places like Latin America we have to allow those who can get here on there own to enter the country without restrictions or harassment by ICE. The upside of open borders is that it will accelerate the transformation to socialism as more immigrants will add their votes to cause of collectivism.”

Dems Propose “Catch-and-Release” Law

Senate Democrats Kamala Harris (Calif), Jeff Merkley (Oregon), and Catherine Cortez Mastohave (Nevada) have introduced a bill that would mandate a nation-wide “catch-and-release” policy for illegal immigrants. Under the bill’s provisions ICE would be required to release all members of families who enter the country illegally on their “own recognizance.” That is, they would be allowed to go free and asked to return for their later court hearing on whether they would be permitted to stay. This policy was the core approach used by the Obama Administration. However, only a tiny percentage of the “catch-and-release” immigrants have ever appeared for their court dates.

“The artificial demarcation known as international borders is a crime against humanity,” Harris contended. “Since the very beginnings of the human race people have been free to migrate in search of a better life. Attempts to impede this right for humans puts them below the status of birds, butterflies, and herds of ungulates who are allowed to cross borders without interference. Our bill merely gives people the same rights that these animals possess.”

Harris brushed aside the observation that none of the Earth’s migrating animals become welfare clients at either end of their travels, calling it “absurd. Wild animals can live off the land. But humans aren’t wild animals. They are social creatures who quite naturally seek social welfare among their own kind. Immigration restrictions that interfere with human migration fail to accommodate human nature. The complaint from those who say they don’t want to take up the burden of supporting those who need support is anti-social. It is their obligation to the collective. The Democratic Party is determined to see that everyone fulfills this obligation.”

High-Tax States Sue Over Trump Tax Cut

New York, Connecticut, Maryland, and New Jersey are suing the federal government claiming that “the tax cut legislation unconstitutionally punishes states who choose to impose high tax rates. By limiting the amount of state and local taxes that can be deducted from income that is taxed at the federal level the legislation impedes our ability to shift some of the tax burden onto other states as has been the custom since federal income tax was implemented in 1916.”

While there is nothing in the original Constitution or in any of the Amendments suggesting that federal taxes must allow deductions for state levies, New York Attorney General Barbara Underwood insisted that “the emanations from the penumbras of the Constitution clear imply that a state’s right to tax its inhabitants cannot be abridged by any federal legislation. The State of New York’s ability to extract the maximum from the incomes of those who reside in the state must remain unconstrained by any external force. The $10,000 per taxpayer per year limit enacted in the Tax Cuts and Jobs Act of 2017 is an unconstitutional constraint.”

“The advocates of this new tax law contend that the limit was included in order to protect the bottom 95%–i.e., lower and middle income families—and that only the wealthiest would end up paying more in federal income levies,” Underwood observed. “This evades the basic issue. Wealthy New Yorkers are the State’s to exploit. If they cannot deduct all of our taxes from their federal liability they may move to lower tax states, or worse, may vote for assemblymen, senators, or governors who will support lower state taxes. Such a political impact represents an unwarranted and unconstitutional interference in the internal affairs of our state.”

Strzok Claims Undermining Trump ‘Patriotic Duty’

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Peter Strzok, the FBI agent at the center of the the agency’s conspiracy to torpedo the Trump presidential campaign and the back-up plan to reverse the election outcome, told members of the joint hearing of the House Judiciary Committee and House Oversight and Government Reform Committees “I wasn’t being biased. I was being patriotic.”

“Anyone who has carefully read my text messages to Lisa Page cannot refute the clear evidence that Trump is an idiot that poses a severe threat to the safety and happiness of the people of America,” Styrzok maintained. “The stream of derogatory commentary I provided to Ms. Page ought to persuade every sane reader that keeping this man from wrecking the world was of utmost importance. My only regret is that my efforts have not yet achieved the desired effect.”

Strzok went on to further defend his actions by citing “the acquiescence of my superiors at the highest level that gave me the courage to embark on this unconventional journey. Director Comey used my replacement of his original ‘gross negligence’ with ‘extraordinarily careless’ to allow Hillary Clinton to be absolved of culpability. My immediate supervisor Andy McCabe presided over numerous anti-Trump strategy meetings attended by Ms. Page and myself. The support of these American patriots assured me that I was doing the right thing.”

These remarks elicited a standing ovation from House Democrats participating in the hearing. Rep. Steve Cohen (Tenn) even went so far as to recommend that Strzok “be awarded the Purple Heart for the insults and badgering heaped upon you by the brain-dead Republicans on these committees. Their ingratitude for your heroism is appalling. What you have faced was worse than any bullets or bombs our soldiers have had to face.”

Obama’s former CIA Director and current MSNBC commentator John Brennan concurred with Cohen’s sentiments and asserted that “the wounds inflicted on Strzok’s reputation by malicious Republicans are more hurtful than any battlefield wounds. Wounded soldiers bask in respect and honor. Even those who don’t survive know that their sacrifice is appreciated. But Mr. Strzok is denied even that as they blacken his name. He doesn’t deserve this.”

Republicans were less impressed. Rep. Louie Gohmert (Tex) pointed out that “at the time Mr. Strzok was supposedly investigating Sec. Clinton’s email violations the Intelligence Community Inspector General (ICIG) told him that 30,000 emails had been sent to an unauthorized foreign recipient. I would think that a patriotic FBI agent would’ve wanted to follow up on such information, but Strzok admits he did nothing.”

“Agents have to prioritize how they use their limited time and resources,” Strzok later explained. “Unbeknownst to the ICIG, President Obama had by that time indicated to us that Trump was the real threat. I wasn’t the only one who ignored the ICIG. DOJ Inspector General Michael Horowitz failed to return four phone calls on the matter. At least I took a meeting with them.”

On a broader and more philosophical note, Strzok warned that “these Congressional probes into the inner workings of the intelligence community threaten the foundations of law and order. To be effective, the covert actions of agencies like the FBI and CIA must remain covert. An agent shouldn’t have to fear that his honest efforts to protect national security will be exposed by political know-nothings. We rigorously screen the people who become agents. We need to trust them to do the right thing without second-guessing the choices they make.”

Shockingly, CNN political director David Chalian called Strzok’s rationalizations “unbelievable. His texts to Lisa Page reveal an extraordinary level of bias and animus toward Trump. This casts a pall of doubt over his ability to carry out an impartial investigation. A man of integrity would’ve recused himself.” Speculation as to whether Chalian will be fired, commit suicide, or suffer an unfortunate fatal accident has inspired Las Vegas to set up a betting line for gamblers to wager on their favorite outcome.

Dems Assail Court Nominee?

Some opponents of Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh have latched onto revelations of his heavy spending on Washington Nationals baseball tickets as “the smoking gun” that will derail his appointment. It appears that Kavanaugh maxed out his credit card purchasing the tickets.

Sen. Bob Casey (D-Penn) called the revelation “very suspicious. Normally, lobbyists provide these kinds of perks to members of government. For Judge Kavanaugh to reach into his own pocket to buy something that others of us obtain gratis from grateful constituents raises a ‘red flag.’ What’s wrong with him that those who routinely pick up these sorts of expenses haven’t included him as a beneficiary?”

Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY) shared Casey’s concerns, calling Kavanaugh’s behavior “extraordinarily odd. It’s almost as if he is intentionally dissing the longstanding customs of those of us who serve in the public sector. What kind of a message would the confirmation of this man send to the American voters? I will use every trick I’ve got to try to stop this nomination.”

Sen. Kamala Harris (D-Calif) was so incensed that she refused to have any contact with Kavanaugh. “I thought his opposition to the right of mothers to terminate their unwanted children was bad, but this baseball fanaticism reveals a sinister pattern that should doom his candidacy,” the Senator said. “What other weird and twisted ideas will he tap into if we give him a lifetime seat on the Supreme Court?”

Former Sen. Al Franken (D-Minn) admitted “I find his extreme devotion to baseball troubling, but not as troubling as his extreme devotion to the original wording of the Constitution. Judges need to be independent of all external constraints, not slaves to an out-dated document. Our Court needs creative minds that can craft the kind of new rights need for the world of tomorrow.”

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi warned that “the confirmation of a person so far outside the mainstream cannot be allowed” and promised “he won’t get my vote no matter what.”

In related news, Democratic National Committee Deputy chair Keith Ellison vowed that if his Party takes control of Congress “impeachment will be on the agenda. We need to remove Trump and undo his crimes. That includes impeaching Supreme Court Justice Neil Gorsuch and Kavanaugh, if the Republicans manage to confirm him before the November elections. It will also include ousting Pence so the Democratic Speaker of the House can take over the presidency and use executive orders to repeal the tax cut Trump and the GOP enacted against the will of the voters.”

Mueller Indicts 12 Russian Spies

Desperate to divert attention from the smirking and demonic Peter Strzok, Special Counsel Robert Mueller sent Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein out to announce a second round of indictments of Russians for interfering with the 2016 election. This follows the February indictment of 13 Russian firms that seems to have fizzled.

The gist of the charges is that 12 Russian cyber spies penetrated Democratic Party computers via a “phishing” scheme and used this access to obtain and publish confidential Party communications that embarrassed the Democrats.

“The scheme was remarkably simple,” Rosenstein said. “An email containing the link hillary-clinton-favorable-rating.xlsx was sent to multiple Democratic National Committee email addresses. When recipients clicked on this link it downloaded malware onto their computers that allowed the spies to read every keystroke from that point forward. A similar email link hillary-clinton-unfavorable-rating.xlsx was sent to the Republican National Committee, but no recipient clicked on the link. Were they smart, in cahoots, or just lucky? I don’t suppose we’ll ever know for sure.”

“While there is evidence that the indicted Russians published information that reflected negatively on the presidential candidacy of Secretary Clinton, there is no evidence that this information was actually read and acted upon by anyone,” Rosenstein added. “There is no evidence that any American, much less anyone connected to the Trump campaign knowingly colluded with any of these Russian agents during the 2016 campaign. Likewise, there is no evidence that anyone didn’t collude with these Russians. The only rational conclusion is that more investigation is called for. Consequently, I am extending the Special Counsel’s mandate for another 12 months and $20 million.”

“I think the Mueller team’s ability to determine that phishers penetrated the DNC computers despite the FBI being denied access to those computers by the DNC is commendable,” the Deputy AG observed. “I’m not sure how this was possible, but I admit I’m not as computer savvy as I’d like to be. Now that this theory is confirmed by the Mueller investigation I think we can absolve Seth Rich of any alleged role in the leaking of DNC data and refute any theories maintaining that he was murdered in retaliation for his alleged leaks.”

“The one inexplicable aspect of this whole matter was President Obama’s instruction to White House cyber security coordinator Michael Daniel to stand down after he first alerted the President to the risk of Russian interference in the 2016 election,” Rosenstein said. “The most charitable interpretation I can conjure up is that he was simply mistaken. I just can’t accept the contention that the stand down order was the fulfillment of his promise to Putin that he would be ‘more flexible’ following his 2012 reelection. That implies a level of duplicity that we all would rather not contemplate.”

Meanwhile, noted Democrat and legal scholar Alan Dershowitz contends that “this latest indictment by Mueller proves that we didn’t need a special counsel. This indictment could have been brought by ordinary prosecutors, ordinary FBI agents. There’s no conflict between the attorney general, the deputy attorney general and Americans — It’s all Russians. Why do we need to spend 20, 30, 40 million dollars for a special counsel to do a routine national security investigation?”

London Mayor Says Trump Wrong to Blame Immigrants for Crime Wave

Mayor Sadiq Khan rebuffed US President Donald Trump’s contention that immigrants from Africa and Asia are responsible for rising levels of violent crime in London and other parts of Europe.

“The fact that rising numbers of immigrants happen to coincide with rising levels of violence doesn’t prove that the immigrants themselves are the ones responsible,” Khan argued. “Let me point out that the levels of violence in the countries of origin of these immigrants are higher than they are in London. This leads me to think that to a certain extent we are moderating their behavior and reducing the global incidence of these crimes.”

“Another factor that I think is in play is the matter of culture shock,” the Mayor continued. “A lot of things that native Londoners do is behavior that immigrants find intolerable. Take, for example, women going out in public unaccompanied and inadequately clothed. Their indecency incites the lust of men who cannot really be blamed for a quite natural urge to have sex with them. When the women inexplicably resist can they not understand that men will enforce their rights to subdue them?”

“And what about the Quran’s directive that all non-Muslims must show submission and pay the jizya?” the Mayor asked. “For non-Muslims to neglect to observe these obligations invites observant Muslims to teach them, by force if necessary. Refraining from force may be the Western way of civilization, but that is a mere preference and cannot be expected to bind Muslims.”

“The more the Mayor says, the more he validates my point,” Trump responded. “Immigrants should be expected to adapt to the customs of the host countries. They should leave the destructive customs of the sh*tholes they are fleeing behind. If they’re not going to do that we shouldn’t let them in.”

In related news, the European Union’s statistics office Eurostat released a report showing that deaths now outnumber births among native born Europeans—a fact that German Chancellor Angela Merkel claims vindicates her immigration policy. “Rather than let Germany wither away due to falling fertility, I had the foresight to import Muslims to fill the vacancy,” she boasted.

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Possible Troop Withdrawals Rattle Globalist Lobby

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

As of now, there are 60,000 US troops stationed in Europe. Pentagon evaluation of potentially withdrawing “some of them” has the globalist lobby on edge. An article published by McClatchy headlined “European Leaders Worry…” neglected to name a single European leader. Instead, numerous members of the globalist lobby ominously warned of the dire consequences if President Trump follows through with his campaign promise to reduce the US military contingent in Europe.

NATO was established in the midst of the Soviet Union’s 1948-49 blockade of Western Berlin. It was meant to deter Soviet military aggression against Western Europe. The Trump Administration has cited decades of failure by other members of NATO to live up to their share of the cost of the defense of their own countries as grounds for reexamining the US commitment.

Obama Administration Defense Secretary Leon Panetta averred that “they are scared to death Trump will put America’s interests ahead of Europe’s collective security—undermining the 70 years of protection the United States has provided to the members of the North Atlantic Treaty Organization.”

Magnus Nordenman, director of the Transatlantic Security Initiative at the Scowcroft Center for Strategy and Security at the Atlantic Council, lamented “the element of uncertainty that Trump has injected into the placid complacency that the continent has enjoyed since the end of World War II. Western Europeans aren’t cut out for the harrowing responsibilities of self-defense. Trump’s insistence that they must bear a significant share of such responsibilities is unrealistic.”

Erik Brattberg, director of the Carnegie Endowment’s Europe program, complained that “withdrawing troops would further weaken the alliance already buffeted by the US breaking ranks with its allies on the Paris Accords and Iranian agreement. Without the ‘big brother’ US standing behind us Russia will take our lunch money. What kind of a man would let his little brothers be bullied by Putin?”

Heather Conley, senior vice president at the Center for Strategic & International Studies, assailed “the apparent replacement of decades of unconditional love with a kind of quid pro quo attitude. I know Trump thinks he can use their fear of domination by Russia to pressure these countries into pulling their own weight, but those of us with expertise in international politics are skeptical. I think if it comes down to a choice between domination and fighting the eminently sensible Europeans will submit to domination.”

In related news, Special Counsel Robert Mueller has added the Trump Administration’s consideration of reducing troop levels in Europe to has investigation of collusion between Trump and Russia. “Who benefits from exposing Western Europe to possible Russian aggression?” Mueller asked. “Clearly, it is Putin. This is prima facie evidence of the collusion we have been trying for months to prove. I think it may be time for Congress to start drawing up articles of impeachment against the most anti-American president this country has ever had.”

DNC Denounces Record Employment

The Bureau of Labor Statistics’ June jobs report showed that the US economy added 213,000 jobs—bringing the number of employed Americans to 155,576,000—the tenth record high of the Trump presidency. Democratic National Chairman and former Secretary of Labor under Obama, Tom Perez warned voters “to not be taken in by this mirage of the so-called good life.”

“Remember, each person pushed into a 40-hour-a-week job has lost at least 40 hours of leisure time,” Perez pointed out. “Is this a trade-off that truly benefits everyone? Most jobs are boring. Many are dangerous. Shouldn’t the goal be to work toward the elimination of the need for everyone to have to work for a living? This is the goal envisioned by the great Karl Marx who prescribed socialism as the best way to move society toward an ultimate communist utopia.”

Perez argued that “lauding the fact that more Americans have jobs also ignores the promise of the Declaration of Independence pledge of equality for everyone. A system that discriminates by disbursing more to those who have jobs than to those who don’t will never achieve equality. By accident of birth some are endowed with energy, initiative, and intelligence. If we allow those who inherit such gifts to keep what they earn we will never have equality. Yet, it is the policy of the Republicans to insidiously perpetuate inequality by not forcing the more well-endowed to share the returns they earn from their gifts with those less fortunate. The tax cuts passed earlier this year, for example, benefit only those who produce wealth. Democrats are the Party that will redistribute this wealth to those in need.”

The DNC Chairman also reminded voters that “it will be visionaries like Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez who lead the Democratic Party to the equality that can only be achieved through socialism. This young woman’s June primary triumph over long-term incumbent Joseph Crowley in New York’s 14th Congressional District showed that voters are ready for the next stage in this country’s transformation.”

In other Independence Day news, Sen. Charles Schumer (D-NY) took the occasion to reiterate his “opposition to any Supreme Court nominee who does not accept a woman’s unfettered right to an abortion. Let’s look at the Declaration’s promise of life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness. It couldn’t be clearer that an unwanted child ruins a woman life, circumscribes her liberty, and impedes her pursuit of happiness. It took our courts nearly 200 years to recognize that restrictions on abortion denied these essential constitutional rights to women in the Roe v. Wade case. We must not allow this long awaited recognition to be overturned by misguided sympathy for the uninvited entity that parasitically feeds off a woman’s body.”

Bill Clinton Laments Double Standards

In a commentary on what he alleged were the “appalling ethical standards infecting contemporary political discourse,” former President Bill Clinton contrasted his own personal experience with that of Donald Trump, saying that “back then, you couldn’t just tell an outright lie and get away with it. Look, I tried. I lied about my relationship with an intern. I tried to portray her as a nut-job stalker. I even lied under oath. But they still got me. I lost my law license and my good name.”

“Compare that with Trump,” Clinton suggested. “Everybody knows he’s the type of person who must constantly lie. The only problem is that we haven’t been able to prove it. So far, he’s leading a charmed life. The FBI’s been on his case for two years—tapping his phones, spying on him, cooking up dossiers—without proving anything. Sooner or later, though, by hook or by crook they’ll get him too. He won’t get off as easy as I did.”

Albright Says “Plenty of Room” for Illegal Immigrants

Former secretary of state Madeline Albright castigated the Trump Administration’s opposition to unconstrained illegal immigration, calling it “undemocratic and essentially similar to what a fascist would do. Treating people differently because of their race or ethnicity is something that Hitler did. If a German like Chancellor Merkel realizes it’s wrong to exclude Africans and Asians, then why can’t Trump realize it’s wrong to exclude Mexicans?”

“It’s not as if we don’t have room for immigrants in America,” Albright observed. “Homes in America are much bigger than they were a generation ago. Almost every family has underutilized space—a spare bedroom, a virtually unoccupied basement, or a corner of a living room that could make a comfortable abode for an immigrant family. We could use census data to determine where this underutilized space is and the President could issue an executive order mandating that qualifying homeowners take in one or more homeless immigrants.”

“You know, the money the government will save by abolishing ICE could be redirected to provide an allowance for immigrants housed with qualifying homeowners so they wouldn’t be totally dependent on the generosity of the homeowners for their shelter, clothing, food, and entertainment. They’d get some ‘walking around money’ they could use anyway they want. That way they could enjoy the life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness that America was established to provide for all people.”

In related news, propaganda film maker Michael Moore called upon the US military to overthrow Trump. “The military is basically comprised of society’s losers—the poor, the high-school dropouts, those without enough clout to get draft deferments,” Moore contended. “Given a choice between siding with the billionaire former draft-dodger who is oppressing their kind via cruel immigration policies, I’m confident they’ll make the right decision.”

Israel Accused of Causing Iran’s Drought

Brigadier General Gholam Reza Jalali, head of Iran’s Civil Defense Organization, blamed Israel for his country’s drought. “If you look at satellite photos you can see that all mountainous areas between Afghanistan and the Mediterranean are covered in snow, except for Iran,” he said. “The only logical explanation for such an anomaly is a Zionist conspiracy to attack my country.”

The General speculated that “it could be some sort of giant fan that is blowing precipitation-bearing clouds away from Iran or an infrared ray that evaporates the snow that should be there. Either way, it’s an act of aggression that we can’t ignore.”

Jalali cited reports of Israel’s water surplus as evidence for his claims. “Why is it that Jews are the only ones in the region with a surplus of water?” he wanted to know. “I mean, it’s not as if Allah would mistakenly rain upon the country of the unbelievers and leave the faithful high and dry. That’s totally nonsensical.”

An alternate explanation for Israel’s water surplus may be its investment in desalinization. The country has the world’s largest desalinization plant and produces 3 million cubic meters of potable water per day. However, Jalali remained adamant, saying “these Jews are very clever, but I’d call desalting the rain from the evaporated snow clouds blown over the Mediterranean proof of their theft.”

Trump’s Merit-Based University Attendance Policy Assailed

The Association of American Medical Colleges (AAMC) issued a statement taking issue with a recent Trump Administration policy reversing an Obama policy pushing racial diversity guidelines. “The Administration’s policy of encouraging universities receiving federal aid to focus solely on merit when deciding which students to admit leaves us deeply concerned,” the statement reads. “The assumption that competence is more important than diversity when determining who will be allowed to practice medicine is a departure from the directive given by the immediately previous administration.”

“We don’t deny that that competence should play a role in the process, but it should not dominate other social objectives,” the statement continued. “Allowing less competent minorities to get in on the action has value. It raises the esteem of the individual granted a medical license. It raises the esteem of all people of the same race when they observe that one of their kind is a doctor. The possibility that the percentages of persons harmed by less competent physicians may rise is a tolerable price to pay for the broader social benefits of racial diversity within the profession.”

Attorney General Jeff Sessions called the AAMC reaction “overwrought. All we’re doing is removing any excuse from universities for potential negative consequences for not selecting the best and brightest regardless of race. They can still admit less capable students if they want. What they won’t be able to say is that the government told them to do that.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Dems Bewail ‘Lack of Proper Gay Pride Celebration’ at Pentagon

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

A letter to Defense Secretary James Mattis from House Armed Services Committee Democrats Reps. Anthony Brown (Md), Robert Brady (Pa), Susan Davis (Calif), Jackie Speier (Calif), Beto O’Rourke (Texas), Donald Norcross (NJ), Ruben Gallego (Ariz) and Salud Carbajal (Calif) chastised the Pentagon for its “lack of a proper gay pride celebration.”

Annual homosexual pride celebrations at the Pentagon started in 2011 during the Obama Administration after the president abolished the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy toward homosexuals in the military that had existed since Clinton era. This year’s homosexual pride event lacked participation by top level brass. Only Army Sgt. Maj. Daniel Dailey and Vee Penrod, acting secretary for manpower and reserve affairs attended.

The letter complained that “the lack of visible approval by top leaders undermines the gains championed by President Obama. The absence of demonstrative support from DOD leadership at events like these can have the effect of isolating our LGBT service members and employees.”

The House Democrats were incensed by Mattis’ response saying that “our job is to defend this country from its enemies. Training and retaining troops that are willing and able to perform this vital mission is our primary concern. The attention and efforts of our leadership is focused on this concern. Whether a soldier is gay or not isn’t relevant to the success of our primary mission.”

Rep. Brown called Mattis’ response “insensitive and insolent. It is not for him to decide whether the standards set by former President Obama for celebrating diversity aren’t relevant to the military mission. It is his duty to obey the civilian authorities and implement the priorities we have chosen. A focus on battlefield proficiency cannot be permitted to trample the social objectives President Obama mandated.” Unfortunately for Brown’s argument, Mattis is following current President Trump’s order to improve the fighting strength of US armed forces.

In related homosexual news, after a nationwide manhunt, a Canadian man named Bill Whatcott is facing up to two years in prison for handing out pamphlets warning of the health risks of anal sex at a homosexual pride rally in 2016. Toronto prosecutor Herman Butz said “the apprehension of this dangerous criminal is a major coup for the Trudeau Administration. The health risks of homosexuals is none of Mr. Whatcott’s concern. Reminding homosexuals of these risks at their festive celebration was offensive. In the bigger picture, the fate of Mr. Whatcott is inconsequential. The government has to make an example of him to deter others from engaging in this kind of hate speech against a protected group.”

Congresswoman Complains of Harassment

Earlier this week, Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif) praised mobs that drove a couple of Trump Administration officials from a restaurant and movie theater. She urged more of this “mob justice,” saying “if you see anybody from that cabinet in a restaurant, in a department store, at a gasoline station, you get out and you create a crowd. You push back on them. Tell them they’re not welcome anymore, anywhere!” Now she is claiming to fear for her life after her statement urging crowds to harass Trump and his supporters inspired some Trump supporters to harass her—including a crowd outside her palatial estate chanting “no peace, no sleep.”

“I called for the people to exercise their constitutional right to drive Trump supporters from public places,” Waters said. “Public places belong to the people. Trump supporters—members of his cabinet and voters—have no right to enter these places if the people forbid it. Trump and his minions are the fascists that are tyrannizing this country. The people have a right to resist this by any means necessary. The fascists harassing me are usurping a power that is not their prerogative.”

Over at CNN, commentator Angela Rye bristled at contentions by fellow Democrats Rep. Nancy Pelosi and Sen. Chuck Schumer that Waters’ efforts to incite mobs to harass Trump Administration officials were “uncivil” and “un-American.” “Democrats don’t have the votes to stop Trump in Congress,” Rye pointed out. “Taking it to the streets, as Maxine urged, is the only viable strategy. Opposition to this strategy conceived and articulated by a Black woman is racist.” The Congressional Black Caucus expressed similar sentiments.

Studies Find Criminal Behavior Explains Crime Stats

Leftist politicians cite the disproportionate ratio of Blacks among the criminal population as “evidence” of racism among law-enforcement personnel. Two recent studies undermine this contention.

One study by professors from Michigan State and Arizona State universities– “Is There Evidence of Racial Disparity in Police Use of Deadly Force?”–analyzed officer-involved fatal shootings in 2015 and 2016. This study found that the higher rates of Blacks getting shot by cops matched the higher rates of Blacks engaging in criminal behavior. A second study done by Harvard economist Roland G. Fryer Jr. found that police officers were more reluctant to use deadly force against Black suspects. According to crime statistics, Blacks account for 62% of robberies, 45% of assaults, and 57% of murders. This is despite Blacks comprising less than 13% of the population.

Black Lives Matter activist Buster Head complained that “these stats don’t account for the millions of Black slaves who were robbed, assaulted, and murdered by their white owners prior to the Civil War. The so-called crimes that Blacks are being arrested for, imprisoned for, or killed for today are better understood as spontaneous efforts at obtaining reparations for those earlier crimes committed against Blacks by whites.” A flaw in Head’s argument is the fact that the majority of the victims of crimes committed by Blacks are Black.

In related news, Simran Jeet Singh, the Henry R. Luce Initiative in Religion in International Affairs Post-Doctoral Fellow at NYU’s Center for Religion and Media, denounced civility, calling it “an attempt to impose white values on persons of color. Discussion and debate are white methods for controlling the decision making process. In other cultures personal combat is deemed a more equitable way of deciding who shall rule. Demanding that persons of color adopt white methods is tyranny.”

Rosenstein Tells a Story

This week, Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein testified before the House Oversight Committee where he steadfastly continued to refuse to turn over FBI documents to Congress. He attempted to fend off GOP critics by telling them a “hypothetical” story.

“Suppose there is a patriotic public servant who is trying to defend the nation against a dangerous person who is seeking to seize control of the U.S. Government,” Rosenstein suggested. “Wouldn’t we want that public servant to use whatever means are necessary to achieve this objective? Suppose one of the means chosen was infiltrating informers into the inner circle of this dangerous man? Suppose concocting information that would discredit this man were deployed? Would we really want this public servant to reveal the content of the documents that were used to organize these extraordinary efforts to save the country from this dangerous man? Would we really want to expose the identities of other patriotic public servants who assisted in the effort to save the country? Well, that is precisely what Mr. Nunes, Gowdy, et al are demanding that I do. I must refuse.”

Rosenstein went on to characterize his approach as “more merciful than some others in the FBI who pushed for the more permanent solution of simply physically neutralizing the threat. If that view had prevailed I or some other Department of Justice attorney would still be sitting here refusing to turn over documents and name names, but Donald Trump would be dead. Shouldn’t the Committee be grateful that my more measured course was able to prevail? At this late date, does the Committee really want to push the FBI to take the simple solution to protect itself? Wouldn’t it be better to let the current process for ousting the dangerous man work its way to a more peaceful resolution?”

Thoroughly disgusted, Committee Chairman Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-SC) gave Rosenstein another extension of the deadline by which he is asked to turn over the requested documents and threatened impeachment if the documents aren’t delivered. A defiant Rosenstein later told staffers that “we will never yield to this congressional POS,” mocked the threatened impeachment as “a pipe dream that they’ll never get the two-thirds of the Senate needed to convict,” and offered to bet anyone $10,000 that “Trump will be impeached before I am.”

Meanwhile, over in the House Judiciary Committee, FBI anti-Trump conspirator Peter Strzok dodged questions related to his text message promising fellow conspirator Lisa Page that “we will stop him” (meaning stop Trump from becoming president), insisting that “it was just one of the many lies I told her to get into her pants” and asserted that “my hatred of Trump played no part in my role as lead investigator of both him and Secretary Clinton.” Strzok additionally maintained that “national security prohibits me from disclosing any details about the alleged FBI animus against Mr. Trump or the confidential efforts underway to save America from this monster.”

Bill Clinton Assails Trump

Former President Bill Clinton took the occasion of his appearance on The Daily Show to assail President Trump for “pouring poison down the country’s throat.” The issue that inspired Clinton’s reemergence on the political scene was immigration.

“It started before he was elected when he criticized the Obama Administration for letting too many criminals into the country,” he said. “Sure, some of these immigrants rape and murder Americans, but not all of them do. And blocking criminals from entering America merely shifts the problem south of the border where law-enforcement is less effective in tracking down and apprehending suspects.”

“When I was president the only thing I poured down anyone’s throat was a little bit of semen,” the ex-president smirked. “Monica loved it. She even saved her dress when some of the semen spilled on it. I made her famous. Trump hasn’t made anyone famous except himself. That’s a key difference right there that would win me an election against him if the Constitution didn’t prohibit me from running.”

Dems Warn of Dangerous Prosperity

The federal government’s Bureau of Economic Analysis (BEA) reports that for the first three months of 2018 U.S. corporations have repatriated over $300 billion in profits earned in foreign countries. This compares to $35 billion for the same quarter of the previous year. The surge in incoming money was attributed to the Tax Cuts and Jobs Act passed late in 2017. These economic results were a matter of major concern to Democrats.

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) ominously warned of “the danger this kind of runaway prosperity represents to civilization. This ugly turn undermines the progress former President Obama made toward getting Americans used to more modest ways of living. It fuels materialism and diverts people from the sacrifices needed for sustainability.”

Former President Barack Obama concurred with Pelosi’s assessment and advised Democrats “to get out and vote against what Trump is doing to the country. Combined with the surge in job openings that has already occurred, the ballooning profits of the economy will dramatically change incentives and opportunities across a broad swath. More individuals will be forced off of welfare and into jobs. Not only will this diminish the leisure time of millions it will also hack away at the jobs of public servants who administer these vital programs. The delicate stasis I worked so hard to establish will be blown away by a prosperity that we don’t deserve and will be difficult to undo even if Democrats retake control of government.”

Film propagandist Michael Moore called for “the masses to put their bodies on the line to stop Trump” and recommended they see his upcoming movie “Fahrenheit 11/9, which details the sinister plan of the Trump Administration to turn every American into a soulless millionaire. When workers are poor they are united and motivated to build socialism. But if Trump makes everyone rich he will destroy that solidarity and possibly put socialism out of reach in this country for generations.”

In related news, Sen. Richard Pan (D-Sacramento) has introduced a bill that would empower the State Attorney General to establish a “Ministry of Truth” to monitor social and other media and stamp out statements the government determines are false. “As it stands now, anyone can say whatever they want over any medium they choose,” Pan complained. “This creates a cacophony of unverified assertions. My bill would authorize the Attorney General to prosecute persons who say, send, or post statements that, in his judgment, are untrue. This will help heal the divisions in society by imposing a common set of facts that everyone can rely upon.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

McCain Colluded with IRS to Target Conservatives

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

In documents recently released under the Freedom of Information Act, Judicial Watch found that Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) was actively colluding with the IRS to harm the TEA Party groups that he mendaciously courted in his successful 2010 reelection bid. These groups are believed to have played a significant role in Republicans capturing a majority in Congress.

A Democratic majority in both Houses of Congress enabled the passage of the Affordable Care Act (which came to be known as Obamacare) on a straight party line vote in late 2009. The loss of this majority constituted a serious impediment to the further socialistic agenda President Obama had planned on to transform America. In response, Obama sought a way to hamstring future TEA Party opposition. The scheme he settled on was to have Lois Lerner, the IRS Director of Exempt Organizations, punish conservative groups.

McCain assigned his staff director and chief counsel on the Senate Homeland Security Permanent Subcommittee, Henry Kerner to liaise with Lerner on this punitive effort. It was Kerner who suggested that the IRS tie down these conservative organizations by conducting “financially ruinous audits.” This is, in fact, the strategy Lerner employed—hitting conservative groups with onerous and unending demands for documents she did not require from liberal groups seeking the same tax-exempt status.

The documents released to Judicial Watch contradict McCain’s repeated assertions that suspicion surrounding his possible involvement were false. “The whole matter was looked into by FBI Director James Comey who found no evidence of any discriminatory treatment and no crime worthy of indictment,” McCain said. “The audits suggested by Henry were within the scope of Ms. Lerner’s authority. The selection of who to audit was up to her. The IRS harassing political opponents with red tape has been a well-established practice since the days of FDR. I am no more guilty of abuse of power than he was.”

ACLU Position on Free Speech “Evolving”

The American Civil Liberties Union is reexamining its long-standing position in favor of freedom of speech. Spokesman Bertram Petty explained that “in the past the biggest threat to freedom of speech came from the government trying to silence advocates of socialist and communist solutions to public problems. Now that socialist and communist principles form an important part of the guidance for government activities in the United States it is no longer clear that freedom of speech to attack policies based on these ideas is worthy of our support.”

“For example, a knee-jerk defense of freedom of speech would compel the ACLU to defend the enemies of progressive values from being shouted down by college students defending their right to not have to tolerate attacks on these values,” Petty said. “Thankfully, most universities are run by enlightened progressives who have cleansed their institutions of incorrect thinking. The ACLU should not be thwarting that progress by insisting on the perpetuation of archaic notions more suited to a bygone era when reactionary views ruled the world.”

“The very idea that everyone’s words are entitled to an airing overlooks the danger that an unbending allegiance to freedom poses to the social advancement prophesied by Karl Marx,” Petty continued. “The emergence of revolutionary expressions of political ideas that lead to the kinds of direct action that unleash the destruction of the property and persons who oppress the masses is the new freedom of expression that our organization should be championing as we enter the end stage of a civilization transitioning to full communism.”

In related news, University of Pennsylvania law professor Amy Wax was ousted from her teaching position for espousing “bourgeois values.” These values included a belief in grading students based on performance without regard to their race. She had previously won an award for teaching excellence, for which Dean Theodore Ruger apologized, saying “that was before we were aware of her nonconforming political opinions.”

Dems Assail Trump Immigration Compromise

After a week of hounding President Trump for continuing former President Obama’s occasional practice of separating the children of illegal immigrants from their parents, they now are howling over his executive order allowing these children to stay with their parents in detention centers.

Aspiring 2020 presidential contender Sen. Kamala Harris (D-Calif) called Trump’s effort to keep immigrant children with their parents “inhumane. When we demanded that children and parents not be separated it was our hope that both would be released. ICE could give the parents instructions to return for a court hearing on whether they can stay and release them from custody.”

What Harris demands is the infamous “catch and release” option that was frequently used during the later years of the Obama Administration. The flaw in this approach was that hardly any of these illegal immigrants show up for their court date. Nevertheless, Harris professed herself “unconcerned. Wanting a better life shouldn’t be illegal. The benefits available in the countries these immigrants are fleeing are minimal to nonexistent. Their governments expect these people to take care of themselves. Here the government will ensure that they are fed, housed, healthy and educated. Coming here is smart. We shouldn’t be punishing people who make the effort to grab the benefits America has to offer. Welfare shouldn’t be restricted to only those lucky enough to be born here.”

Governor Andrew Cuomo (D-NY) has filed suit against Trump’s executive order claiming “it is illegal. The Ninth Circuit Court already ruled that detaining children for more than 20 days is not permitted. Trump’s order violates that by allowing detention for an indefinite period while the parents’ case is being adjudicated. The only legal option is ‘catch and release.’”

“Adjudication” is only necessary for the 85% of the illegal immigrants who are claiming “refugee” status, i.e., alleging that they face a serious threat to their health and/or safety if they stay in their country of origin. While this claim may be true, the reservoir of persons living in countries that threaten their health and safety is in the billions. Rich as America is, there is no way it can support the hordes that would crash our borders if the Democrats’ open border policy prevails.

While leading Democrats are adamant that these illegal immigrants have a right to live in the United States, they are not so eager to have them live in their neighborhoods. New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio has already expressed fear that the immigrants bused to his city “may be infested with lice and bed bugs.”

How the Democrats’ posturing on this issue will affect their chances in the November elections remains to be seen. Polls show that only 30% of Democrat voters support the “catch and release” option, while 49% favor the approach laid out in Trump’s executive order. Whether the Party’s media allies will be able to generate propaganda sufficiently persuasive to overcome this deficit is unknown.

Meanwhile in Mexico, presidential candidate Andrés Manuel López Obrador declared free migration a human right and vowed to “send tens of millions more north after I am elected to take back the land stolen from us by Yankee aggression in the 1800s.”

In related news, Iran’s Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei condemned Trump’s immigration policies, calling them “malicious” and praised “the UN’s decision to expel the United States from its Human Rights Commission.” Meanwhile, Khamenei profusely praised the Iranian Guidance Patrol’s vigilance after they viciously beat a handful of burka-clad girls for dancing at their graduation ceremony.

Peter Fonda Goes on Rant

With a new movie coming out this weekend, old actor Peter Fonda tried to generate some publicity by injecting himself into the immigration controversy via a string of tweets.

In one, he suggested that President Trump’s 12-year-old son should be kidnapped and put in a cage with pedophiles. In another, he suggested that Homeland Security Secretary Kristjen Neilsen should be striped naked and whipped by passersby in Lafayette Square. In another, he suggested that hackers should obtain the names and addresses of ICE employees and publish them so activists could terrorize them and their children “to scare the shit out of them.”

Later, Fonda issued an apology for his “inappropriate and vulgar” remarks, blaming the late hour (one to three AM) and “some really bad weed” for his outbursts.

Not everyone was aware that Fonda had apologized and called off his jihad against Trump. A female Congressional intern shouted “f*ck you” to President Trump as he walked to the Capitol to confer with Republicans on the immigration issue. And the actor formerly known as Mr. Roseanne Barr announced plans to taunt the President’s son outside his school.

DC Infested with Psychopaths

A study of psychopathy throughout the United States found that the nation’s highest concentration of these types of people was in Washington DC. California, New Jersey, and New York finished in second, third, and fourth place for percentage of the population qualifying as psychopaths. The study was conducted by Southern Methodist University Assistant Professor Ryan Murphy.

“The District of Columbia is measured to be far more psychopathic than any individual state in the country,” Murphy observed. He speculated that “psychopaths may be drawn to Washington since government offers a robust array of opportunities for individuals to exercise power over others. There are both opportunities for self-enrichment and opportunities to bend others to your will by making laws or regulations that force people to yield to you rather than freely pursue their own well-being.”

Democratic National Committee Chairman Thomas Perez belittled the possibility that the study findings might harm his party’s chances in future elections because “very few voters will be aware of this study. The media won’t publicize it. It is more likely that Professor Murphy will be denied tenure. That would undermine his credibility and discourage any other eggheads from considering any follow-up work on the topic. So, I think our drive to expand and centralize government power in Washington will remain on track.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Comey Says IG Report Exonerates Him

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

After a thorough reading of the summary section of the Department of Justice Inspector General’s Report, former FBI Director James Comey announced that “it clears me of all potential charges. I respect the DOJ IG office, which is why I urged them to do this review.”

“I think with the passage of time historians and the general public will gain an appreciation for the unprecedented situation the FBI had to face,” Comey added. “On the one hand, we had a presidential candidate who played fast-and-loose with a number of federal rules and regulations presenting us in the FBI with a daunting conundrum. On the other hand, the most dangerous person to ever seek the presidency was contesting her right to take her turn as president. The pressure on me was extraordinary.”

“I did the best I could to try to remedy the dilemma,” Comey continued. “My artful characterization of the violations committed by Secretary Clinton removed the risk that her campaign would be derailed by a criminal indictment. I thought the insertion of informants into the Trump campaign and stepped up surveillance would be sufficient to ensure his defeat. All the polls showed that he would be defeated. But there were more deplorable voters than anyone imagined and they were located in enough strategic states for Trump to win.”

“Even after the shocking election outcome I didn’t give up,” Comey boasted. “My leak of classified info to the media opened the door for the appointment of a Special Counsel to carry on the fight. I was pleased to see that my good friend Robert Mueller was named to the job. He’s one bad hombre and totally dedicated to the FBI. One time he let four innocent men spend more than a decade in jail just to protect the identity of an important FBI informant. I’m confident he’ll do whatever it takes to undo the election of the usurper.”

DOJ IG Report Confirms FBI Crimes

The long awaited Department of Justice Inspector General’s report was released this week. The content of the report revealed FBI actions that cast a dark stain on the Agency’s reputation. The primary focus of the report was the original investigation into former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s unauthorized use of a non-secure personal email system to conduct official government business. While that investigation uncovered numerous violations of federal laws and regulations—including transmitting classified material, deleting government records, destroying subpoenaed evidence, and lying to the FBI—the then FBI Director, James Comey, declined to forward the case for possible prosecution because “tainting the reputation of the person who was going to be our next president would have done irreparable damage to the country.”

The IG Report included a number of text messages from FBI agents to each other denigrating Trump and his supporters as “ignorant low-lifes” and vowing to prevent these people from “overthrowing our government.” Not only did FBI agents voice political opinions opposed to the election of Trump, they were also engaged in a covert operation to sabotage his candidacy by infiltrating spies into his campaign and using a bogus “dossier” to dupe the FISA Court into okaying an unprecedented surveillance of a presidential candidate during an election. Nevertheless, the IG declared “there was no evidence that bias influenced the FBI’s actions.”

IG Michael Horowitz explained that “considering that the Agency could have simply assassinated Mr. Trump, yet neglected to take that option showed a degree of restraint that contradicted the verbal animosity displayed in the text messages. I think the ineffectiveness of the strategies they did take to try to prevent Trump’s election pushes their meddling into the ‘no harm, no foul’ category. The real damage done to the FBI’s reputation stems from the extensive trail of communications detailing the scheme. That’s why we’ve recommended that all DOJ personnel go through more intensive training to learn how to better conceal their biases when writing texts and emails.”

Current FBI Director Christopher Wray accepted the recommendation for bias training, but hastened to point out that “the FBI’s unprofessional behavior over the past two years has come at a time of unusual stress. Yes, Comey and McCabe lied under oath. Yes, Rosenstein signed off on the surveillance initiated via the unverified dossier. Technically, what they did is not strictly legal and falls outside of normal Agency procedures. But as my guys told Congressman Gowdy last week, it was the proper thing to do, it was what the American people would’ve wanted the FBI to do if they had access to the same information we did. Not only do the American people owe these men a debt of gratitude, they also owe them the benefit of the doubt for any missteps they may have made along the way.”

The IG Report also indicated that there were 300 documented instances of illegal leaks by FBI personnel. In a number of these instances the leakers received bribes from favored media outlets in exchange for the leaked information. Wray asserted that “the implication that vital confidential information was sold to the highest bidders wasn’t always the case. Many of these leaks were aimed at inducing the media to report false or misleading stories. This is a standard FBI practice to help throw enemies off the trail of truly vital and confidential information. Accepting a bribe helps convince the leak recipients that the leaked material is genuine.”

Meanwhile, Clinton denounced Comey’s hypocrisy after learning from the IG Report that he also had an unauthorized private email system that he used for some FBI communications. “The double-standards of this man are truly disgusting,” she fumed. “That he would publicly ding me as ‘extraordinarily careless’ for doing the same thing he was doing was so unfair. I suppose he will claim that he didn’t intend to break the law. How credible is that? He’s been a US Attorney for Christ’s sake. Shouldn’t he be held to a higher standard?”

In related news, it turns out that Clinton’s destruction of documentary evidence may have been part of a wider pattern during the Obama Administration. National Archives librarian David Ferriero recently discovered that tens of thousands of government records are missing. Ferriero named former President Obama, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, former Attorney General Lynch and several EPA officials as the most frequent offenders.

Mueller Seeks to Withhold Evidence

One of the basic foundations of justice is that the accused has the right to see the evidence against him. One of the subterfuges of Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation into Russian interference in the 2016 election was his indictment of 13 foreign entities reputed to have used the Internet to inject anti-Clinton memes into the campaign. Lawyers for one of these entities showed up to answer the indictment and demanded to see the evidence against their client.

Initially, Mueller pleaded for more time. The presiding judge denied an extension under the grounds that “an indictment surely wouldn’t be filed without some evidence against the defendant who is entitled to see what crime he is being accused of commiting.” Mueller now claims that revealing the evidence “poses a serious risk to national security.”

“The norms arising from the Bill of Rights need to be balanced against the more important objective of protecting the United States from hostile foreign actors,” Mueller said. “This is especially the case when the accused is not an American citizen. The leverage we hold over all the defendants in these 13 indictments would be undermined if we are forced to show our evidence before we have their signed confessions. The matter of guilt is not an issue. The defendants know better than we do what they did. The sooner they admit their crimes, the sooner we can resolve this case.”

In his argument for withholding evidence, Mueller pointed out that “in Russia untold numbers of defendants have been convicted, imprisoned, or even executed using secret evidence. Since the defendants I have indicted are based in Russia I see no reason why that country’s standards should not be applied to them in my case.”

Foreigners meddling in another country’s elections is not a rare phenomenon. The CIA has meddled in more than 80 foreign elections since the end of World War II. In the March 2015 Israeli election President Obama sent $350,000 of US taxpayers’ money to groups opposing Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. Since the meddling Mueller is alleging here involved Internet posts that could, and likely were, initiated from outside the US, the practicality of attempting to prosecute the “meddlers” seems dubious. Likewise, distinguishing between meddling and protected freedom of speech (which also applies to non-citizens) might be impossible.

Celebs Assail Trump

This week actor Robert De Niro wowed the audience at the annual Tony Awards with what many are characterizing as “the most powerful, elegant, and irrefutable argument against the Trump agenda ever uttered by anyone.” De Niro’s brief message consisted of two simple words: “F*ck Trump.” The audience gave him a standing ovation.

Tom Perez, Chairman of the Democratic National Committee called De Niro’s statement “simple, but remarkably brilliant. I don’t know why no one else thought of it before now. If we had used this insight back in the 2016 campaign the horrible outcome could’ve been averted. All is not lost, though. If we can work this thought into our 2018 election message I believe we can take back the majority in Congress.”

Meanwhile, fellow celebrity genius Alec Baldwin predicted he will defeat Trump in the 2020 presidential race. “Everyone tells me my impression of Trump is spot on,” Baldwin bragged. “Given a choice between a TV reality show Trump and a Trump portrayed by a highly skilled actor like myself I’m confident that most of the boobs that voted for Trump in 2016 will switch to vote for me in 2020.”

Unfortunately for Baldwin, former President Barack Obama neglected to include him in the roster of contenders for the 2020 Democratic nomination. “The flaw in Alec’s logic is that by the time 2020 rolls around the whole country will be so sick of Trump that even his impersonators will be persona au gratin to the average voter,” Obama said. “The Party needs a fresh face with new ideas. Of the nine potential nominees I’ve examined so far, the one that stands out is Sen. Warren. Her ‘eat the rich’ proposal evinces the kind of revolutionary zeal required to carry on the transformation I envision for America.”

Dems May Try to Acquire Nukes

Saying she was impressed with “Kim’s ability to wrap Trump around his finger,” House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi attributed it to “having a nuclear bomb in his pocket,” and vowed that the Democratic Party will “seek ways of acquiring one or more similar devices to give us more punch in our negotiations with the President.”

Characterizing the recent Singapore summit between Kim and Trump as “as horrible a ‘deal’ as one could imagine,” Pelosi ticked-off the highlights of what she insisted was “a net loss for America and the world. First, Trump shook Kim’s hand. This show of manners to a brutal dictator was totally uncalled for. Second, the US and Korean flags were standing side-by-side—implying a repulsive equality that no previous president would ever have tolerated. Third, Trump discontinued US and South Korean military maneuvers for the time being. Fourth, Trump promised to assist North Korea improve its economy in exchange for denuclearization.”

The Minority Leader expressed pessimism over the ultimate results of Trump’s negotiation with Kim contending that “its deviation from the bribery policy that has worked so well since the 1990s is a serious error that could prove costly. Nonetheless, though America may suffer from Trump’s blunder it has opened our eyes to the best way for dealing with Trump. We have some contacts with Uranium One and may be able to work out an arrangement with Iran—another ally cultivated by President Obama—to develop ore into a viable weapon for us to use against Trump going forward.”

Pelosi wasn’t the only one to find fault with Trump’s summit behavior. CNN’s Jim Acosta was so upset over being excluded from the one-on-one meeting between Trump and Kim that he had a fit in which he maniacally screeched and threw his own feces at the two leaders. Acosta later told his network colleagues “if they’re not going to let me in the f*cking meeting I had to do something to show them how I felt about that.” Press Secretary Sarah Sanders said “we’d pull his credentials if seeing him make a fool of himself weren’t so funny.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Dems Object to Financial Oversight of Special Counsel

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

This week, by a vote of 207-201, the US House of Representatives approved a measure requiring a semi-annual audit of how Special Counsel Robert Mueller is spending the taxpayers’ money. Thus far, Mueller’s investigation of possible collusion between Russia and the Trump campaign has admitted running through nearly $17 million in total, but no itemization has been provided.

Sponsor of the measure, Rep. Mark Meadows (R-NC), defended it, saying that “a special counsel’s work is important, but they should not be able to spend taxpayer dollars without accountability. Americans need to know where their money is going.”

Rep. Tim Ryan (D-Ohio), ranking member of the House appropriations subcommittee characterized the measure as “an attempt to obstruct justice. There may be good reasons for keeping the particulars of the Special Counsel’s spending secret. Whatever progress has been made in the whole FBI investigation has depended upon covert operations to insert informants into the Trump campaign, to obtain FISA Court approval to intercept Trump’s communications, and to aggressively deploy redactions of federal documents specifically to block congressional interference. The GOP’s audit scheme could unravel two years of painstaking efforts by the intelligence community to try to protect our government from falling into the wrong hands.”

In related news, the onset of the FBI scheme to spy on the Trump campaign in now revealed to have occurred in December of 2015. A text message sent by counterintelligence agent Peter Strzok to then FBI lawyer Lisa Page, mentioned “oconus lures,” which is FBI lingo for overseas spies used to disrupt a targeted operation. In the months following this text the FBI sent Joseph Mifsud into the outer fringe of Trump campaign associates where he was able to plant the claim that Russia had Hillary’s missing emails into the mind of George Papadopoulos. Papadopoulos’ later boast about these emails to the Australian “ambassador” to the UK was then used to help persuade the FISA Court to authorize the FBI to spy on Trump.

Bill Would Require All Guns to Be Licensed by Feds

Illinois Democrats Rep. Bobby Rush and Sen. Tammy Duckworth have introduced a bill that would make it a crime for anyone to own a gun without a federally issued license. The bill is based on the Illinois Firearm Owners Identification card program, which Rush claims “has worked for more than 50 years to prevent gun violence in my state.”

While the touted “success” of the Illinois program seems to be regularly contradicted by the gun fatality statistics in the state’s largest city, Duckworth asserts that we should “imagine how much worse things would’ve been in Chicago without the gun owners ID program” and that we should “imagine how much more effective it could’ve been had it been nationwide rather than confined to a single state.”

Both Rush and Duckworth call their bill a compromise. “In an ideal world there would be no private ownership of guns,” Rush contended. “We would be a lot closer to that ideal if this country hadn’t taken a tragic wrong turn defying the government’s efforts to confiscate private weapons in 1775. The paperwork following an eight-year war embedded an anti-social individualism into our Constitution that has impeded progress toward the more civilized society that Europe has enjoyed in the absence of widespread gun ownership in the 200+ years since we took that wrong turn.”

Key GOP Leaders Say FBI Spying on Trump “Proper”

After a lengthy meeting in which representatives of the FBI met with Chairman of the House Oversight Committee Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-SC) and Senate Intelligence Chairman Richard Burr (R-NC) and explained why they had to infiltrate and spy on the Trump campaign, both congressmen agreed “it was the proper thing to do.”

Before I came to congress I was a prosecutor in South Carolina,” Gowdy said. “There were numerous instances where I worked with the FBI to bring down dangerous criminals. That built a bond of trust that I could rely on in the pursuit of justice. When they told me that they were suspicious of Trump’s connections to Russia and that a covert sting operation was warranted I took them at their word—as I had so many times before.”

The subsequent lack of evidence for the FBI’s suspicions doesn’t prove that those suspicions weren’t sincere,” Gowdy added. “In hindsight, I suppose we can all breathe a sigh of relief that the suspicions turned out to be unwarranted, but the Agency had to act without the benefit of hindsight to protect this country from a potential external threat. Fortunately, the mucking around they did during the campaign didn’t affect the outcome of the election. I think we let bygones be bygones rather than further tarnish the sterling reputation of this great law-enforcement agency.”

Burr concurred with Gowdy’s assessment and endeavored to address the perception of bias. “Some of my Republican colleagues are upset that Trump was singled out for scrutiny,” he observed. “They want to know why the FBI didn’t similarly monitor the Clinton campaign. They say that tens of millions of dollars from Russian-owned businesses found their way into the Clinton Foundation after the Uranium One deal was approved by Hillary when she was Secretary of State. They say that she mishandled classified communications and destroyed evidence. Well, the FBI did investigate Hillary and found her innocent of all charges. So there was no need to inquire any further after July of 2016.”

Meanwhile, disgraced former FBI Deputy Director Andrew McCabe has demanded immunity from prosecution in exchange for testimony before the Senate Judiciary Committee next week. McCabe’s lawyer, Michael Bromwich, insisted that “the immunity request doesn’t mean my client is acknowledging any wrongdoing. It’s just a precaution against someone else using his testimony to construct a case against him. In fact, documents exonerating Mr. McCabe are currently being withheld by the FBI in an attempt to scapegoat him for the misdeeds ordered by former FBI Director James Comey.”

More Jobs than Job Seekers

This month, for the first time since employment statistics have been tracked, there are now more job openings than there are persons seeking employment. According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, the number of job vacancies for the most recent month were 6.7 million while the number of unemployed persons seeking jobs came in at 6.35 million.

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) called these statistics “further proof that the Trump Administration’s policies are destroying this country. His tax cuts are provoking businesses to expand their production, but the induced labor shortages will choke off this expansion. It will be an economic catastrophe.”

Thankfully, voters will have an opportunity to set things on a more stable course this November,” the Minority Leader pointed out. “By electing a Democrat majority to Congress we can pass legislation that will repeal the tax cuts and reestablish the regulatory constraints that allowed the economy to maintain the more sustainable stagnation set in place during the Obama years.”

In a bid to win over a greater share of corporate money to support the election of Democrats, Pelosi suggested that “the job vacancies could be filled at a lower labor cost if we increase immigration. By granting amnesty to the millions already here and by opening the borders to the tens of millions more who want to come to America we could easily fill the 6.7 million vacancies without having to raise wages or disturb the leisure of the millions of Americans who have become accustomed to living freed from the obligation to support themselves.”

In related news, the deregulation and tax cuts pushed by the Trump Administration have enabled the United States to retake the lead as the world’s most competitive economy for 2017. The US’s faster economic growth and a supportive atmosphere for scientific and technological innovation allowed it to knock Hong Kong from the top spot, an achievement that former President Obama lamented, calling it “a reversal of the progress toward an unthreatening mediocrity we made during my eight years in office. Being ‘number one’ puts a target on your back. It’s safer to be in the middle where no one envies you and there is no incentive to try to take you down.”

Europeans Say Increased Iranian Uranium Enrichment OK

European participants in the Obama-arranged “deal” that is supposed to discourage Iran from developing nuclear weapons insist that the country’s stepped up uranium enrichment program does not violate the terms of the agreement.

Maja Kocijancic, spokeswoman for EU diplomatic chief Federica Mogherini, explained that “a careful reading of the terms shows that Iran has only agreed to forego attacking us with nuclear weapons until they are ‘physically able to do so.’ All work on bombs and delivery systems prior to the attainment of this capability are unconstrained by the agreement brokered by former US President Obama and his Secretary of State John Kerry.”

Iran’s nuclear chief, Ali Akbar Salehi, assured European governments that “you will not be annihilated until it becomes feasible. Even then, we will not strike unless it is absolutely necessary. It would be wise for you to use the intervening time to work on removing the necessity. At a minimum, your people must accept submission to our Islamic authority. However, I would advise converting. Only then will your people come under the umbrella of our nuclear protection and enjoy the full rights and privileges of being a part of the Muslim umma.”

Kocijancic thanked Salehi “for your clarification of Iran’s position and your sage advice on how to improve relations between our countries.”

California Enacts Strict Water Rationing

After years of drought, the California Legislature has enacted severe restrictions on household water consumption. Under the new law, by the year 2022 residents in California will be limited to 55 gallons per person, per day. An eight-minute shower uses about 17 gallons. A bath uses about 80 gallons. A load of wash uses about 40 gallons. Each toilet flush uses about 1.5 gallons. Fines for exceeding the daily 55 gallon limit can rise to $10,000 per violation for repeat offenders.

To enforce compliance, the state government will deploy surveillance systems to spy on all residents. Utility providers will be obligated to report on violators, and urban retail water suppliers are expected to use satellite imagery, site visits, or other best available technology to develop an accurate estimate of each person’s water usage. A reward program to encourage neighbors to “rat out” each other is also under consideration.

While many residents wonder how they’ll comply, Gov. Jerry Brown (D) assured them that “it’s not so hard. I often go a week or more between showers. Americans have developed an unreasonable fetish regarding cleanliness. Europeans don’t bathe as often as we do. Yet we regard them as fashionably chic. Just slap on a little more cologne. If you must wash up daily consider showering at the YMCA or go swimming in the ocean.”

Another trick you can use to conserve water is wait until your toilet is full before flushing,” Brown continued. “I’ve found that by cutting back on dietary fiber I’ve been able to limit flushing to a maximum of once a day and have been able, with the aid of some air freshener to stretch that out to multiple days at a time. You could also use a public restroom in a government building or at a fast food restaurant whenever possible and let someone else bear the expense of disposing of your bodily waste.”

You know, the real heroes of conservation are the homeless,” Brown contended. “They’ve shown us all that it is possible to live without showering, washing, or flushing. They live more naturally and have a far smaller environmental footprint than their more materialistic neighbors. If more of us were to choose that lifestyle it would solve a lot of our environmental problems.”

Thankfully, the law exempts swimming pools, spas, and fountains. So there is no danger that the state’s more important residents—celebrities, corporate executives, and high-ranking government officials—will be unduly inconvenienced by the rationing scheme.