Illegal Migrant Policy Assailed and Defended

NOTE: Semi News is also available for reading at:

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

The Biden Administration’s dispersal of illegal immigrant children around the country, dumping them in cities in the middle of the night without food and places to stay faced stern criticisms from Republicans.

Sen. Marsha Blackburn (R-Tenn) called the midnight unloading of hundreds of immigrants in Chattanooga “absolutely unacceptable. This is not a coherent plan for dealing with this issue. It’s an abuse of power and a human tragedy. What are these immigrants supposed to do in a city where they don’t speak the language, don’t have anyone to help them find a place to stay and get food?”

Sen. Bill Hagerty (R-Tenn) warned that this practice “unfairly burdens the community and presents added risks of crime and disease. None of these immigrants have been screened for COVID or other diseases. The absence of a plan to meet basic needs virtually forces them to steal or beg just to survive.”

Customs and Border Patrol Acting Commissioner Troy Miller called GOP complaints “ignorant carping. First, we had to sneak these children in because Gov. Lee had already announced his opposition to receiving these immigrants. Second, the living conditions in the border holding cells are horribly overcrowded, filthy, and ripe for the spread of disease and sexual abuse. Setting these children free in a city seems the more humane option.”

Miller also characterized the waiving of the legal requirement for these illegal immigrants to appear in court as “a logical response to the reality that only a tiny number will actually show up for their court date. Why bear the expense and paperwork of continuing the charade of a legal procedure? The best we can hope for is that they somehow adapt and find a way to live without turning to crime.”

In related news, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) and 34 other members of Congress signed a letter calling the selective deportation of illegal immigrants who are criminals “racist. Just because a person has a criminal record in his country of origin doesn’t prove he is a danger to Americans. Using felony convictions in their native land as grounds for denying them entry to the United States is discriminatory. The fact that they may face immediate reincarceration on their return makes them ideal candidates for asylum. Giving them a fresh start here is the least we can do.”

Pelosi Calls Colleagues Untrustworthy

Though the COVID pandemic is clearly waning, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) refuses to relinquish dictatorial control over members of Congress. While the Center for Disease Control (CDC) has advised that wearing masks is no longer necessary for those who have been vaccinated, the Speaker maintains that “masks must still be worn. A person may say he has been vaccinated when he hasn’t been. I’d like to believe we are all persons of honor here, but realistically, we’re members of a profession where honesty is not an asset.”

Of particular concern are the Republicans. “These people have lied about the election,” Pelosi said. “They called for their supporters to attack the Capitol. They conspired with Russia to help Trump steal the 2016 election from Hillary. How could any sane person trust them to tell the truth about their vaccination status? A more rational option would be to bar all Republicans from the House floor until each one of them can prove to my satisfaction that they’ve gotten the jab.”

The COVID vaccines have not gone through the standard Food & Drug Administration testing for safety and effectiveness. They are “experimental drugs” and only approved for use in an emergency. Coercing individuals to submit to medical experiments without their freely given consent was one of the crimes committed by the Nazis.

Pelosi insists that her demands “are nothing like what the Nazis did. Barring a person from participating in government if he doesn’t follow the requirements set by me isn’t coercion. Being a member of Congress is not a right guaranteed by the Constitution. It is a privilege granted if certain conditions are met. One of those, of course, is that voters must elect that person. Another is that I, as Speaker, must guard the safety and health of every member. This includes keeping anyone who could threaten the health and safety of others from entering the safe zone perimeter. Those I block from entry are not coerced. They are still free to live their lives as ordinary citizens outside of government.”

Pelosi went on to point out that “I am not an outlier on this matter. For one, the Oregon Health Authority is requiring all businesses, workplaces and houses of worship to verify the vaccination status of every person attempting to enter the premises. And the British Army is requiring all military personnel to be vaccinated or be punished. So, I’m right in the mainstream of thought on this subject.”

In related news, Gov. Tom Wolf (D-PA) has heroically defied the will of voters by extending his emergency powers. This is despite the passage of two state contitution amendments in Tuesday’s primary ballot. One of them ends a governor’s emergency disaster declaration after 21 days unless the legislature votes to extend it. This replaces the 90-day emergency that a governor could unilaterally declare and extend. The other amendment eliminated the governor’s power to veto a legislatively enacted end to an emergency. Wolf observed “they can pass whatever they want, but who is going to enforce it? The State Police report to me. They will carry out my orders. The legislature has no one to counter the control I have.”

Was COVID a Bio-Weapon?

The suspicion that COVID was a designed as a biological weapon is mounting. Despite pooh-poohing from Dr. Anthony Fauci over the last year or so, Republicans insist that there is considerable circumstantial evidence to support this suspicion.

House Intelligence Committee ranking member Rep. Devin Nunes (R-Calif) said “there are serious questions that need answers. There were warnings from U.S. diplomats in China that the Wuhan lab was working on dangerous biological experiments for the Chinese military. There was also a circuitous routing of federal dollars from the National Institute for Health—the agency for which Dr. Fauci works—to the Wuhan lab for ‘gain-of-function’ research, which essentially is how to make a virus more deadly. In contrast, there is no evidence to support the claim that COVID originated naturally.”

Under questioning from Sen. John Kennedy (R-LA), Center for Disease Control Director Rochelle Walensky admitted that “the bat-eating origin story seems a bit lame at this point.” Two factors that may have contributed to Walensky’s changing perspective were a University of Hamburg study concluding that a leak from the Wuhan lab was the most likely cause of the COVID pandemic and a boast by Chen Ping, a Senior Researcher at the China Institute of Fudan University, that “China’s superior bio-warfare research has dealt the United States a severe blow.”

Meanwhile, Ivermectin—one of the medications explicitly disapproved by the CDC for treating COVID—has been having a significant positive impact on those receiving it in India. Further, a study published by the Front Line COVID-19 Critical Care Alliance (FLCCC) found that in 18 randomized controlled treatment trials there were large, statistically significant reductions in mortality and time to recovery using Ivermectin therapy. Another FLCCC report criticized public health agencies’ widespread disinformation campaign against Ivermectin. Finally, a World Health Organization meta-analysis of Ivermectin found a highly significant 75% reduction in COVID mortality, based on randomized controlled trials.

Nevertheless, Dr. Fauci said “I stand by my original objection to using Ivermectin for treating COVID patients. If we had allowed this inexpensive therapy to be widely deployed we would never have gotten President Trump to expedite the development and emergency use approval for the COVID vaccines, nor been able to frighten so many millions to unquestioningly accept being vaccinated. Not only have these vaccines proven immensely profitable for the companies that sell them, but the vaccine campaign has helped unify the country behind President Biden and his program to rebuild America into a progressive social democracy.”

Dems Condemn Israeli War Crimes

Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-Minn) warned that “the cease-fire agreed to by Israel must not be permitted to obscure its responsibility for the war crimes it committed against the Palestinians. Their practice of urging civilians to evacuate the target zones for Israeli air strikes doesn’t excuse the fact that these bombings are acts of aggression against the righteous efforts of freedom fighters to dislodge the illegal occupiers of Muslim lands.”

Rep. Rashida Tlaib (D-Mich) expressed a similar message, calling Israel’s retaliation for the thousands of Hamas rockets into heavily populated areas within Israel “totally unwarranted. The attempt to exterminate the Jewish invaders of Muslim property is a just cause. Opposing a just cause is a war crime. Israel’s complaint that the Hamas missiles are indiscriminately killing innocent non-combatants is false. Since Jews are the source of problems all over the world none of them are innocent.”

Press Secretary Jen Psaki praised President Biden’s foresight in the matter, saying “if he hadn’t restored the $200 million in aid to Palestine that Trump had previously cut off Hamas wouldn’t have been able to afford the rockets they needed to bombard Israel. Unfortunately, the aid that the United States has given to Israel has enabled them to deploy superior weaponry that can more accurately pinpoint military targets. This imbalance created an unlevel playing field and enabled a disproportionate Israeli retaliation for the indiscriminate Hamas rocket attacks. The equalization of firepower is one of the issues that must be addressed and remedied going forward.”

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) hailed Biden’s leadership, saying “without his steady hand who knows what might have happened. We need a long-term solution. I understand that many years ago there was a plan to move all the world’s Jews to Madagascar. We should dig that up, modernize it, and implement it. Only by putting miles of ocean between the Jews and everyone else can there be any hope for lasting peace.”

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. Please do us a favor. If you use material created by Mr. Semmens, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Jarring Info from CDC

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

This week the Center for Disease Control (CDC) announced that individuals who have been fully vaccinated against COVID need not wear masks or observe social distancing rules. Director Dr. Rochelle Walensky observed that “since the vaccinations provide the best possible defense against COVID, the essentially ineffective masks and social distancing measures are no longer necessary.” Not wanting to get crosswise with other government authorities, Walensky cautioned that “enforcing mask-wearing and social distancing rules is still up to local, state and federal dictates.”

The governors of Massachusetts, New York, New Jersey, North Carolina, and Virginia, and the mayors of New York City and Washington, D.C. promised “to assess this new information before taking any hasty actions.” Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D-NY) questioned the credibility of the CDC, saying that “they’ve been wrong before. They told us it would take 15 days of lockdowns to flatten the curve, but it took a year of business, mobility, and speech restrictions to get COVID under control. Wasting all of the suffering we’ve endured by a premature restitution of freedom would be tragic.”

A less publicized bit of CDC news was the agency’s admission that “the number of deaths following the administration of COVID vaccines over the past four months exceeds the combined number of deaths following all of the other vaccinations administered for all other diseases over the past twenty years.” Walensky hastened to point out that “while it is reasonable to presume that a person who tests positive for COVID and dies has, in fact, died of COVID, it cannot similarly be assumed that a person who dies shortly after being vaccinated for COVID has died because of the vaccination.”

Not everyone agrees with Walensky’s reasoning. Dr. Ryan Cole, owner and operator of Cole Diagnostics, called the post-vaccination toll “concerning. These so-called vaccines are experimental. They haven’t undergone the normal vetting process for safety and effectiveness before being given to tens of millions of human guinea pigs over the last four months. Individuals should make their own decision on whether to take this experimental substance. There are sound reasons to be reluctant. Government shouldn’t coerce or bribe people to take it.”

Toxicologist Dr. Janci Chunn Lindsay takes an even stronger stance against further mass inoculations for younger persons and has called on the U.S. government to halt COVID-19 vaccine distribution. “There are serious safety concerns that need to be considered,” she said. “The vaccines could hinder production of syncytin, a crucial protein for fertility and pregnancy, and negatively impact pregnancy outcomes as a result. Since the unvaccinated in this population cohort face a vanishingly small risk of serious health consequences from COVID they should not submit to being vaccinated.”

Dr. Anthony Fauci labeled these concerns “fear mongering of the worst sort” and tried to differentiate it from “the socially responsible fear mongering I and others have employed to help defeat the virus over the past year. Getting millions to hunker down in their homes, shun all unnecessary human contact, close their businesses, quit their jobs, wear masks, and tattle on nonconformists were harmless cudgels to guide individuals to adopt behaviors that protected everyone. Now is not the time to listen to dissident doctors. If we keep the faith we will emerge into a truly caring society where all march to the same tune and share the same destiny.”

Psaki: “Inflation Is Good for America”

Indications that inflation is rising is roiling markets and unnerving consumers who must pay unexpectedly higher prices for basic necessities. Gasoline prices, for example, are up nearly 50% from a year ago. Presidential Press Secretary Jen Psaki pooh-poohed concerns, calling them “unnecessary fretting. Rising prices are a positive in so many ways.”

“Take the jump in gasoline prices,” she suggested. “This is not an unplanned phenomenon. It is the President’s policy to wean the country off of fossil fuels. To accomplish this it is necessary to make gasoline unaffordable for as many drivers as we can. The Colonial Pipeline hacking attack wasn’t explicitly planned by the Biden Administration, but it helps further our goal. Remember, one of the first things the President did when he took office was to cancel the Keystone Pipeline. And just the other day we saw Michigan Gov. Gretchen Whitmer take emergency action to block fuels coming into our country from Canada. This is all a sign that we are succeeding.”

“On a broader front, let’s not forget that inflation helps erode the value of money,” Psaki pointed out. “As the largest debtor in the country the federal government comes out ahead when it can pay back debt in cheaper dollars. Other big debtors like state governments and corporations similarly benefit. Who doesn’t benefit? The misers who buy bonds. The biggest purchasers of bonds are pension funds who see the interest extracted from borrowers as a way to divert money to the unproductive retired segment of the population. These retirees don’t need this money. Social Security and Medicare will take care of their legitimate needs. What I’m saying is that basically, inflation redirects money from the sterile purpose of sustaining an idle segment of society to the dynamic purpose of ensuring that government has a bigger share of the country’s resources so it can do more good for the whole population.”

In related news, Secretary of the Department of Energy Jennifer Granholm asserted that “those suffering from rising gasoline costs have only themselves to blame. If you drive an electric car you are immune to the problems of rising gas costs or limited supply when a pipeline fails or is shut down by government order. Once everyone takes the President’s intent to outlaw fossil fuel in this country seriously the disruptions of the past and present will just be old memories.”

Vatican Letter Pleases Pelosi

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi expressed gratitude for the Pope’s letter chastising bishops who questioned whether politicians who support abortion should receive communion. “Basically, he’s washed his hands on this issue,” she boasted. “It’s not for priests or bishops or anyone else to decide whether to give communion to whoever presents himself or herself for the rite. It’s for each Catholic to make the choice.”

Pelosi characterized the Pope’s stance as “realistic. The Pope knows we are battling for the soul of America with the most evil adversaries that we have ever encountered. To win this battle we need every vote we can get. When the majority of the population, the media, academia, the unions, the immigrants all want abortion to be legal and free we must honor their wishes. For us to be punished for doing this plays into the hands of those who hate America.”

“After all, we aren’t approving and funding the termination of babies out of malicious intent,” she added. “It’s only politics. Of all people, we are most in need of the forgiveness that communion transmits to us. I mean, why should I have to go to Hell for doing bad deeds for a good cause? The US military did some despicable things to defeat the Nazis and the Japanese during World War II—incinerating whole cities, indiscriminately killing civilians, women, and children. Should the pilots who dropped those bombs have been denied communion? I don’t think anyone would have agreed to that. Why then should a more discriminating elimination of the surplus of unwanted children merit denial of communion?”

Rep Greene Rankles Dems

This week, Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) publicly confronted Rep. Alexandria Ocasio Cortez (D-NY) and asked her questions about the Green New Deal she is pushing for America. Greene says she “chose this venue because in the House any inconvenient questions I raise are routinely gavelled ‘out of order’ by the Democrat committee chair. When I learned that AOC was holding a press conference I thought I’d ask my questions there, but she ran away.”

AOC professed herself “severely frightened by the encounter. There was no one to intervene on my behalf. It was just her and me in front of the media and their cameras. I lost my train of thought. I shouldn’t have to answer uninvited questions. As a member of Congress it is my constitutional right not to be questioned in any other place. I need a security detail like the President has to protect me from lunatics like Greene.”

This isn’t the first complaint about Rep. Greene. Earlier this year, Rep. Cori Bush (D-Mo) could not abide having her office in the same corridor as Greene’s. “I couldn’t enter or exit my office without risking running into her,” Bush said. “How could I be expected to do my work with the dread of an unwanted meeting looming over my every movement. Since Greene doesn’t regularly wear a mask I decided I had had to move for my team’s safety and my own sanity.”

Rep. Jimmy Gomez (D-Calif) has introduced a resolution to expel Greene from Congress. “She just doesn’t fit in,” Gomez complained. “None of the Republicans do. Rather than work with us to get legislation passed they are busy figuring out ways to block what we’re trying to do. I’d like to expel them all, except maybe Liz Cheney, but that’s probably a ‘bridge too far’ right now. Getting rid of Greene would be a great first step toward that goal or at least put the fear of God into the rest of them.”

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) called Greene’s behavior “intolerable. She is oblivious to how much she has dishonored Congress. The voters need to be confident that their government is working together for the people. Exposing disagreements like Greene did is unacceptable. We’ve already banned her from committee membership as an incentive for her to shape up. We need to investigate her more recent transgressions and determine the appropriate punishment.”

Whitmer Receives “Profile in Courage” Award

Gov. Gretchen Whitmer (D-Mich) was one of seven to receive a “Profile in Courage” Award from the John F. Kennedy Library Foundation. Caroline Kennedy, the president’s daughter and honorary president of the foundation praised Whitmer’s “iron-fisted rule in dealing with the COVID pandemic in her state. Critics called her edicts excessive, unnecessary, and oppressive, but she held to her course. The decision to impose unpopular constraints on the people’s liberty represents the highest ideals of paternalistic governance. She is probably the bravest person in America.”

Whitmer says she hopes “this award will help me in my reelection campaign.” Although her popularity has declined over the past year, 49% of those polled say they approve of her handling of the pandemic. One poll respondent explained his support for Whitmer, saying that “at least she didn’t move COVID-infected patients into nursing homes like that moron Cuomo did in New York. For that she earns my respect and my vote in 2022.”

In a bid to live up to the Award, the Governor ordered a Canadian pipeline, owned by the Enbridge company to shut down. “I know the popular thing would be to allow this pipeline to continue operating, what with the Colonial Pipeline problems and the President’s cancellation of the Keystone Pipeline in January,” she said. “But you don’t win awards by doing what’s popular. True leadership means giving the people what they should have, not what they want. The more pain there is now, the quicker the country will give up its dependence on fossil fuels.”

Thus far, Enbridge has refused to shut down, saying that only the federal government has the authority to order such an action. Whitmer scoffed at Enbridge’s defiance, saying that “I have emergency powers that trump any other authority. Michigan is my property. Enbridge is trespassing on it. This pipeline will be shut down one way or another. If I have to order State Police to blow up the pipeline I won’t shrink from making that unpopular decision.”

Brain Implants for Unity

Scientists at Northwestern University have developed wireless brain implants that have been inserted into mice to see if their behavior can be controlled remotely. An experiment found that it can. To be more explicit, the experiment tried to use the devices to get the mice to become friends with other mice having the same implants. It worked.

Secretary of Health and Human Services Xavier Becerra called this experiment “a potential game-changer for the President’s drive to unify the country. The main impediment to total unity is independent thought. The aspiration of trying to achieve unity via volitional means is likely never going to be realized if each person has the option to join or not. If we can somehow get these wireless implants into everybody we can bypass the volitional barrier. Government scientists could remotely manipulate each and every one of us to become friends whether we wanted to or not.”

“The first step for us is to figure out how to get the implants into everyone,” Becerra pointed out. “As we have seen with the COVID vaccines, even after a year long fear campaign there are still people who say they won’t take the shots. The vaccine passport idea is a good one, but it has many logistical difficulties. The main one is how to differentiate between those who have been vaccinated from those who haven’t. Here is where the wireless aspect of the brain implants can come to the rescue. Each person who has an implant can be remotely detected and controlled. The many ways this can be used to overcome the reluctance of others gives me confidence universal unity can be achieved.”

“We could start by paying bounties to people who agree to be implanted,” Becerra explained. “The next step could be to offer those with implants a bonus for every other person they persuade to be implanted. Once this phase is practically completed we can start offering even bigger bonuses for forcibly bringing other individuals in to be implanted. Eventually the proportion of implanted will be many times larger than the remaining cohort without the implant. As the implanted are manipulated to shun the few who are not, loneliness should drive the last independent individuals to join the herd resulting in total unity of the entire population.”

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative for 16 years. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. Please do us a favor. If you use material created by Mr. Semmens, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Fauci Invests in Humanized Mice

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

At a Pennsylvania House hearing this week, witnesses testified about experimental research involving scalping aborted babies and grafting those scalps onto mice. The National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases (NIAID) funded this research with more than $400,000 in taxpayer dollars given to the University of Pittsburgh to conduct the experiment.

Dr. Anthony Fauci, head of NIAID, defended the expenditure, maintaining that “millions of lives are ruined by premature baldness. The social stigma of being hairless at a young age can devastate the delicate psyches of the men affected. Some even become suicidal. Research to see if viable human scalps could be nurtured by host rodents could help mitigate this malady.”

Fauci brushed off objections to this use of tax funds, saying that “every little bit we can do to help folks get through life is a legitimate use of public money. The aborted individuals obviously have no further need for their scalps. Why let them go to waste in the incinerator when they might save another person’s life down the road? Why use mice? Well, there could be negative outcomes that we wouldn’t want to inflict on volunteer human hosts. Mice are an expendable life form that has a long tradition of participating in medical experiments.”

DeSantis’ Remarks Called Racist

Gov. Ron DeSantis (R-Fla) issued a warning to leaders of Black Lives Matter and Antifa that “rioting will not be tolerated in our state. You may get away with this kind of destructive action in Portland, but not here.” The Governor added that “truly peaceful protests are protected by the First Amendment, but the minute you harm somebody else, or you harm somebody’s property, the way we’re going to stop it is to have very swift penalties for it.”

Vice-President Kamala Harris, called DeSantis’ stance “inherently racist. His notion that a peaceful demonstration is the only legitimate way to protest is ‘white thinking.’ After 400 years of oppression by white folks, people of color have earned the right to lash out at any and all members of the race that has oppressed them. This includes looting and burning of their property. Whites who attempt to violate this right do so at their own risk.”

Harris said “coming on the heels of the Jim Crow voting law that he just signed, it appears that DeSantis is trying to goad civil rights champions like Black Lives Matter and Antifa into confrontation with Florida police. Let me issue a warning to him. Any use of force to impede the actions of these groups will trigger the dispatch of federal troops to ensure the safety of the protesters. The choice the Governor has to face is whether he will respect a woke mode of protest and the modicum of damage done or whether he prefers to be displaced by marshal law. Portland Mayor Ted Wheeler has already faced this type of situation and has chosen wisely. He’s still Mayor and is not under arrest.”

Poor Jobs Report Sparks Debate

The Labor Department’s April employment report showed unemployment ticking up. This contradicted expert expectations that the Biden stimulus spending would generate a million more jobs. Only 266,000 jobs were created during the month.

President Biden blamed former President Trump, saying that “the attack on the Capitol that he ordered his followers to carry out has made a lot of people too scared to take a job. They fear that a right-wing mob may swarm their place of employment and expose them to the same dangers that faced members of Congress on January 6th.”

Chamber of Commerce executive vice president and chief policy officer Neil Bradley disagreed, calling the President’s logic “unpersuasive. A more tangible factor is the fact that the government’s unemployment compensation package exceeds the wages available for many jobs. Given the choice of having to endure a pay cut if they take a job, many are opting to remain unemployed.”

Biden dismissed the Chamber’s view as “malarkey. My Dad always told me, ‘Joey, it’s not just about the paycheck. It’s also about the dignity of having a useful place in the community.’ No self-respecting adult would give up that place just to live off the federal teat.”

Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-Minn), backer of a $2,000 per month federal payment to every person, labeled Biden’s perspective “discredited ‘white thinking.’ Work is for suckers. The government has the power to create as much money as is needed to let everyone enjoy a decent standard of living without having to submit to wage-slavery to get it. What we need is for policymakers to have the courage to boost America up into a totally different way of living.” Fifty-seven fellow Congresspersons have co-sponsored Omar’s bill to award these monthly payments.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) rejected the idea that increased unemployment is a bad thing. “As I have been saying for years, unemployment compensation is a greater stimulator of the economy than anything else,” she asserted. “We shouldn’t bemoan an uptick in unemployment. The more people who are unemployed, the faster our economy will grow. What we need to do right now is pass more spending bills. If we can break the link between work and income we will finally achieve liberty from wage-slavery.”

Press Secretary Jen Psaki hastened to clarify the President’s statement, saying “he was just reminiscing about stuff his Dad told him seventy years ago. In no way did he mean to imply that people living on welfare are not self-respecting just because they have adapted to a lifestyle pioneered in America by President Johnson’s War on Poverty. This money isn’t just handed out randomly. Recipients have to do some things to qualify. One of the most important of these things is giving birth to the next generation of Democrat voters. Those who pay the taxes should be grateful that the price for keeping the fascist Republicans from destroying our democracy is so low.”

AOC Wants Civilian Climate Change Corps

Inspired by FDR’s Civilian Conservation Corps, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio Cortez (D-NY) wants to establish a Civilian Climate Change Corps (CCCC).

“This Corps will achieve two major objectives,” she said. “First, it will battle the scourge of carbon dioxide that is the chief culprit in global warming. Second, it will provide jobs for healthy young people and help extricate our economy from the depression inflicted on it by Trump.”

“The main method the Corps will employ is to practice slow breathing,” the Congresswoman explained. “Normally, young people are very active. In this active state heavy breathing takes place. This means increased volumes of carbon dioxide are exhaled. This aggravates the greenhouse effect. By organizing these youths to spend full workdays consisting of repose the amount of CO2 emitted will be substantially reduced.”

Co-sponsor of the proposed legislation Sen. Edward Markey (D-Mass) said “ideally, a starting cadre would be trained in carbon dioxide reduction techniques such as sofa surfing, lolling around, and catnaps extending to 20 hours a day. Once trained they would go back among their peers as apostles of these techniques as multilevel marketing envoys acquiring converts who would expand the operation at an exponential rate. The only thing I can think of that might have a greater impact would be mass suicide.”

President Biden is said to be onboard with the CCCC idea. Deputy press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre claimed that “the President was modeling the slow breathing technique all throughout the 2020 campaign. Instead of wasting his breath crisscrossing the country holding rallies like Trump did, he was spending most of each day napping and chilling at home. He believes that if more people could do this more of the time we could substantially slow the emission of CO2 and perhaps prevent climate change from destroying the planet. And for God’s sake, wear a mask. Inhaling your own CO2 saves someone else from having to inhale it.”

Spying on Americans to Be Privatized

Technically, it is illegal for the government to spy on American citizens without a court supervised “probable cause” being established first. This has the Biden Administration considering “partnering” with private corporations to get the job done.

Secretary of Homeland Security Alejandro Mayorkas pointed out that “the First Amendment prohibits the government from abridging freedom of speech. As we have seen though, privately owned corporations are free to abridge anyone’s freedom of speech for any reason or no reason. We see Facebook and Twitter silencing people on a regular basis for expressing opinions they don’t like.”

“So, we got to thinking that privately owned corporations might also be exempt from the Fourth Amendment’s ban on unreasonable searches,” Mayorkas said. “What if we were to contract with these private corporations to do the searching that the federal government is prohibited from doing? Businesses like Facebook and Twitter have access to the content of every message sent, received, or posted on their systems. They could do the dirty work for us. The information they could provide would greatly increase the number of disloyal citizens we could apprehend and convict. With the safety and security of the nation at stake how can we not make use of this loophole in the law?”

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative for 16 years. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. Please do us a favor. If you use material created by Mr. Semmens, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Biden ‘May or May Not’ Force Shots

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

President Biden announced that he “may or may not” force everyone to get vaccinated for COVID. Calling it “one of the tough decisions a great president has to make,” Biden says he is “weighing the individual’s natural right to control his or her own body with my responsibility as president to ensure that everyone is safe from harm.”

The first population cohort likely to be required to get vaccinated is the military. Biden explained that “members of the armed services are already required to take mandatory inoculations. It’s part of what it means to ‘serve.’ If we can achieve a 100% vaccination rate for our troops I hope that will inspire the rest of the population to voluntarily take the jabs. If it doesn’t, sterner measures may be required.”

The President says he doesn’t think a door-to-door forcible injection protocol will be necessary. “The vaccine passports that are being required by other countries and many businesses in this country should be sufficient to prod nearly everyone to accept vaccination as the price of freedom,” he speculated. “Being barred at the doors of your favorite bar, restaurant, stadium, or grocery store for not having proof of being vaccinated should bring all but the most incorrigibly disobedient into compliance.”

“We will give people the opportunity to voluntarily do the patriotic thing before we crackdown on the non-compliant,” the President promised. “This is the way a free and unified society works.” He went on to predict that “we will succeed where the Trump Administration’s policy of leaving each person to decide for himself would have surely failed.”

Meanwhile, the State of Washington is implementing a trial run of “special treatment” for those who’ve been vaccinated. Governor Jay Inslee (D) explained that “a few months ago everyone was clamoring for the vaccine and we didn’t have enough. Now, we’ve got plenty, but demand is far short of what was expected. As an incentive we are categorizing people into two classes. Those who’ve been vaccinated will have more privileges and freedoms than those who aren’t. Our hope is that the denial of these privileges and freedoms will prod the reluctant into the obedience that will set them free.”

Racist Farm Policy Sparks Lawsuit

The Biden Administration’s American Rescue Plan Act of 2021 provides loan forgiveness of up to 120% (i.e., a borrower can get 20% more than they received from the federal government during the pandemic) to farmers who are Black, American Indian or Alaskan native, Hispanic or Latino, and Asian American or Pacific Islander. Whites aren’t eligible for this program.

Plaintiffs from Wisconsin, Minnesota, South Dakota and Ohio contend that using race to determine who receives the benefits of a program aimed at aiding farmers hurt by the economic shutdowns imposed in the effort to combat COVID is “unconstitutional.” President and General Counsel of the Wisconsin Institute for Law & Liberty, Rick Esenberg, said, The plaintiffs meet all of the criteria laid out in the program except the discriminatory racial exclusion.”

U.S. Secretary of Agriculture Thomas Vilsack justified the unequal treatment, calling it “a down payment on atoning for 400 years of white supremacy. Granted, the particular farmers involved in this lawsuit may not have played a significant role in the 400 years of abuse of non-white minorities, but they are the descendants of the white race that inflicted the multi-generational harm. The notion that each individual is independently entitled to fair treatment was rejected by the voters who chose to oust Trump and usher in a new socially conscious approach to justice. We are confident that the courts, including the Supreme Court, if the case gets that far, will concur in our enforcement of a new way of thinking.”

Another Dawn Raid by the FBI

This week a contingent of armed FBI agents raided the home of former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani (R) to confiscate an array of electronic devices. Giuliani called the raid “unnecessary. I would’ve voluntarily turned over all the devices requested. Oddly, the one device they refused to confiscate was a copy of the hard drive of Hunter Biden’s laptop. I pointed out that my perusal of the contents found evidence of several crimes.”

FBI Director Christopher Wray brushed aside Giuliani’s objections, saying that “a narrative in which he can be portrayed as cooperating with our investigation was unsatisfactory. As we have done in the past with the cases of Roger Stone and Paul Manafort, the dawn raid videoed by cooperating media conveys a narrative supporting the meme that these people are so guilty and dangerous that we couldn’t risk them destroying evidence or fleeing justice. Judging from the media coverage, I’d call it ‘mission accomplished.’”

Wray also rejected Giuliani’s contention that the Hunter Biden hard drive was of any public value. “Look, as the oldest surviving son of a sitting president, Hunter has sort of a ‘crown prince’ status,” Wray argued. “It would not serve the interest of the government to allow a scandal to besmirch him or any member of the President’s family. Rulers must be revered and respected. Any accusations—true or false—tend to undermine this vital objective. By refusing to be drawn into Giuliani’s gambit we have diminished the credibility of his charges and preserved the reputation of the ruling family.”

“As for the assertion that the devices we seized will prove Giuliani’s innocence, well, we will be the judges of that,” Wray added. “Even if there’s never a trial, the impression that Giuliani is guilty of something is already out there. The FBI is America’s number one law enforcement agency. We are the ones who got Dillinger. We are the heroes of many movies and several TV series. Given the choice of who to believe, we’re confident that the average person will trust us more than they trust Giuliani.”

Canada Makes Participation in Assisted Suicide Mandatory

The Supreme Court of Canada has ruled that a hospice that declined to participate in administering assisted suicide cannot stay in business. The Delta Hospice Society, located in British Columbia has resisted demands that it must kill its residents if that’s what they want done.

The Court explicitly rejected the argument that the refusal to participate in terminating a person’s life was an allowable option. “Even though there are other fully participating hospitals and hospices that a patient or resident could freely choose, the Government’s policy is that assisted suicide is for the collective benefit of all,” the Court said. “The contention that ‘no kill shelters’ ought to be available to those who prefer it would elevate individual preferences above society’s preferences. Canada is not obligated to subjugate democratically decided policies to individual conscience. To do so would impose the religious beliefs of a minority on the rest of society.”

“The remedy that those opposed to the euthanasia that current law decrees must be carried out is to win a majority in the next election and change the current law,” the Court suggested. “Under our democracy, majority rule is the only legitimate means for deciding what is morally right or wrong. Any other metric is arbitrary and oppressive.”

Bill to Bar Criminal Background Checks

Rep. David Trone (D-Md) and Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif) have introduced legislation that would bar employers from inquiring into the criminal history of job applicants. Specifically prohibited is asking a job applicant if he has a criminal record before offering the person a job.

Waters explained that “criminals have just as much right to a job as anyone else. Yet, if potential employers are allowed to poke around for evidence of crimes that may have been committed by applicants they are apt not to hire them. This is part of the systemic racism we are trying to eliminate in this country.”

Trone hastened to point out that “our bill would not prohibit a company from taking action against an employee who steals from the company, rapes a co-worker, or murders a customer. All we are asking is that any prior thefts, rapes, or murders not be allowed as grounds for not offering a person a job. The best way to nip this tendency in the bud is to prevent the issue from being raised prior to the hiring decision.”

Biden: “White Supremacists Greatest Terrorist Threat”

In his first address to a joint session of Congress, President Joe Biden declared that “white supremacists have replaced jihadists as the most lethal terrorist threat to the United States. As we saw on January 6, white supremacists launched the gravest attack on this country since the Civil War. I am asking Congress to join with me in spending $6 trillion to strengthen the country’s economy as our first line of defense against these terrorists.”

Many observers wondered how a disorganized unarmed group that milled about the Capitol for a few hours on January 6th, committed a few acts of vandalism, and killed no one could have constituted a greater threat than some other events—like War II that killed hundreds of thousands of American soldiers and the 9/11 jihad attack that killed nearly 3,000 American civilians—since the Civil War.

Press Secretary Jen Psaki explained that “on January 6th Americans tried to overthrow our government. Regardless of how unprepared they were, these invaders were nearly 100% white. They were also within striking distance of the most important people in this country. If it weren’t for the timely spontaneous hiding and fleeing of great leaders like House Speaker Pelosi and Rep. Ocasio Cortez they might have been ruthlessly mocked. Such a humiliation could have undermined their willingness to continue ruling this country and left the American people leaderless. So, I believe that all correct-thinking people would agree with the President’s assessment of the severity of the January 6th event.”

In related news, the Biden Administration is reported to be assiduously scanning social media to compile a list of Trump supporters for the purpose of putting these people on a “no fly” list. National Security Adviser Jake Sullivan explained that “neutralizing the mobility options for anti-democratic terrorists is a common sense move. It will slow their ability to effectively mass forces and move them to strategic strike zones.”

NJ: “No Mask, No Vote”

New Jersey Gov. Phil Murphy (D) has decreed that voters must wear a mask to the polls or they won’t be allowed to vote. “I think that if you refuse to wear a mask, we’re not letting you in, it’s that simple,” he said. “I know that voting is the most sacred right in a democracy, but health and safety must come first. I mean, what use is a right to vote if you are exposed to infection from those who insist on shunning the mask President Biden says is our patriotic duty?”

Murphy denied that his decree was an attempt to suppress voter turnout, saying everyone knows that voter suppression is the Republicans’ game plan. They insist that every voter must show an ID to be given a ballot. They do this because it is nearly impossible for minorities to get IDs in our systemically racist society. My mask edict is totally different. In fact, many minorities are used to wearing masks when plying their trade. So, if anything it should boost minority participation. And as a bonus, the mask requirement will nullify any fear of being identified while casting a ballot. This will thwart Republican efforts to force people to verify that they are actually legitimately registered voters.”

Biden Insists Bishops Are Wrong About Abortion

President Biden says the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops is wrong about condemning the use of aborted babies for research. The statement from the bishops noted it is possible to do research without using harvested tissue from aborted babies and added that “It is also deeply offensive to millions of Americans for our tax dollars to be used for research that collaborates with an industry built on the taking of innocent lives.”

“From the very beginning, Christianity was founded on the sacrifice of the innocent for the benefit of humanity,” Biden contended. “Jesus, the perfectly blameless innocent, was nailed to a cross to atone for mankind’s sins. By this sacrifice the possibility of salvation was opened for all who believed in him. This is what I was taught in Sunday school as a boy.”

“Today, the most innocent among us are the unborn children,” Biden observed. “They are perfectly sinless. This makes them the ideal candidates to sacrifice their lives for the greater good. Opposing the use of the bodies of aborted babies prevents their deaths from helping others. I can’t believe that this is what Jesus would’ve wanted. So, while I respect the Church, I feel it is my duty as a Christian to take a stand against error and my duty as president to use my power to right the wrong they seek to impose on society.”

“I would further like to remind the bishops that their stance is the same as former President Trump’s,” Biden added. “Trump isn’t even a Catholic. Neither is he a good person. He conspired with the Russians to deny Hillary Clinton’s right to the presidency in 2016. He attempted to steal the 2020 election. When that failed he instigated an insurrection at the Capitol in January. I urge the bishops to reconsider their position. If they admit their mistakes and join those of us trying to transform America into a united progressive community I’m confident the people will forgive them.”

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative for 16 years. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. Please do us a favor. If you use material created by Mr. Semmens, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

NLRB Tosses Anti-Union Votes

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

The Biden Administration’s acting general counsel for the National Labor Relations Board P

eter Sung Ohr ordered the votes of 800 poultry workers who didn’t want to be members or have the United Food and Commercial Workers union (UFCW) represent them to be trashed. He justified this ruling by saying “a prior agreement between the UFCW and the owners of the Delaware processing plant overrides the wishes of the affected employees.”

Oscar Cruz Sosa, the employee who championed the vote to decertify the UFCW as the workers’ representative complained that “this Union doesn’t represent the workers. It exploits and abuses them. The NLRB’s ruling means we will be forced to continuing to pay our abusers for another three years.”

Similar agreements between business owners and union leaders have been ruled invalid by courts in recent years. Ohr pointed out that “these rulings occurred before the November 2020 election. The President has determined that voters opted for a different policy when they cast their ballots for him. I am just carrying out the mandate he was given by the people.”

A possible alternate rationale for the new policy might be that the UFCW donated $1.2 million to Democrats during the 2020 election cycle. Ohr acknowledged this, but denied it played any role in the NLRB’s shift on the issue. “Democrats believe that individual workers are not qualified to deal with the complex issue of union representation,” Ohr said. “They can be mislead by propaganda that is not in their best interest. Rather than fight against what the union is trying to accomplish, workers should appreciate what unions do for them and pay the cost of supporting those services.”

FTC to Fine Man for “Wrong” Advice

The Federal Trade Commission (FTC) may fine Eric Nepute as much as $500,000 for advocating the use of vitamin D and zinc to help the body’s immune system resist COVID infection. While science has validated the positive anti-viral effects of these two natural substances, the FTC labeled Nepute’s statements “false.”

FTC acting Chairwoman Rebecca Slaughter asserted that “since the Centers for Disease Control and prevention (CDC) has a different narrative on the COVID pandemic Mr. Nepute’s contradiction of that narrative undermines people’s faith in the government’s preferred strategy for combating this disease. This contradiction could confuse people and result in them making the wrong decisions about what they should do to protect their health.”

“Mr. Nepute wasn’t authorized to make his opinions public,” Slaughter said. “It is everyone’s duty as a good citizen to fllow the guidance of the government experts who have been designated to handle the strategy for fighting this disease. To allow nonconforming ideas to gain a foothold would imperil the unity that the Biden Administration is trying to achieve, which at this point is to have everyone vaccinated.”

“We are not totally merciless,” Slaughter insisted. “If Nepute admits his error and promises to keep his unacceptable opinions to himself in the future, we may not seek the full amont of the penalties that could be assessed against him.”

In related news, President Biden told Americans that “it is your patriotic duty to get vaccinated. Don’t be among the shameful doubters that shun the shot. Get it to show your respect for authority and concern for the health of your neighbor.”

BLM Activists “Storm” Oklahoma Capitol

Angry over anti-rioting legislation under debate in the Oklahoma House of Representatives, a couple of dozen Black Lives Matter activists noisily invaded the capitol building. The legislation under discussion seeks to increase the penalties for intentionally blocking street traffic and to protect drivers who unintentionally hit persons blocking traffic, A separate bill would establish penalties for “doxxing,” i.e. publishing the names and addresses of police officers.

While she was famously public and strident in her condemnation of the January 6 “storming” of the US Capitol, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) refused to criticize the Oklahoma incident. “Look, there are several important differences between the two situations,” she maintained. “First, Oklahoma is just one state. Whatever happens there cannot compare with what happens here in Washington. Second, the grievances of the BLM protestors were more meritorious than the false allegations of election theft that motivated the invasion of the Capitol by Trump supporters. Third, the targets of the BLM protestors were Republicans who, as we all know, are doing their best to undermine our democracy. They deserve to be frightened that they will be held accountable for their crimes against the people.”

Republican State Rep. Kevin West called the incursion “disruptive. The police had to clear the gallery of the noisy mob, but no one was shot. So, in that respect I can see a difference between my perspective and that of Speaker Pelosi. We weren’t cowering in fear. We aren’t slandering the disrupters by calling them ‘traitors.’ We’re not demanding that anybody be imprisoned for disagreeing with the legislation we passed. On balance, I’d say the way we handled the situation in Oklahoma might be a model for DC to emulate rather than the other way around.”

In related news, perhaps in response to Minneapolis City Council candidate Margarita Ortegain’s suggestion that protestors ought to target white neighborhoods, a man was blocked from driving his car to his house by BLM protestors. When he pleaded that he was only trying to go home he was mocked, as one protestor told him that “home ownership is a bourgeois fallacy. All property ultimately belongs to the collective. The dictatorship of the proletariat will decide who lives where and when they will or won’t be blocked from accessing their assigned accommodations.”

Kerry Pushing Climate Alarmism

Special Presidential Envoy for Climate John Kerry expressed disappointment with the widespread lack of appreciation for his efforts.

“I have been tirelessly jetting all over the globe to try to impress upon people the need to reduce carbon emissions,” he said. “People are polite, but not panicky. It’s frustrating as Hell. Leaders everywhere are short-sightedly focused on what they call bigger problems.”

“What are these ‘bigger problems?” Kerry asked. “Well, in place after place they say they are more concerned about poverty and starvation. They say they need to modernize to fight these problems. Modernization requires more fossil fuels to produce more goods and to move them to areas of need. They want power plants to produce electricity to make everyone’s lives easier and healthier. They don’t realize how selfish they are being.”

“I know it is politically important for them to focus on the well-being of their current population, but from a broader perspective, their current population is the source of the climate crisis. If the population were smaller the stress on the climate would also be smaller. If we make life healthier and easier the population is likely to grow and that would be bad for the environment.”

“It may not be popular for me to say this, but letting backward countries govern themselves may not be sustainable,” Kerry observed. “I think we need a centralized global leadership comprised of the best experts to save the planet. The best model we have of how to do this is provided by China where elites are free to devise and impose the absolute best policies free of interference from the less informed masses of ignorant common people. I believe that President Biden may be coming to the same conclusion and I hope he will issue the executive orders needed to make it happen.”

Psaki Blames Columbus Shooting on “Racial Bias”

Biden’s Presidential Press Secretary Jen Psaki called the police shooting of a knife-wielding black teenage girl “yet another example of systemic racism in this country.” The incident originated from a dispute about household tidiness that escalated into a situation where one black teen was attempting to stab another black teen in the driveway of a home.

“The problem with the police is that they use violence to intervene in violent circumstances without giving a thought to the cultural norms of the persons involved,” Psaki said. “It is a cultural and historic fact that household violence is much more common among blacks than whites. In this instance, a police officer brought a gun to a knife fight and unfairly influenced the outcome. By shooting the girl with the knife before she pierced the body of her intended victim he prevented a potentially less deadly outcome. The girl doing the stabbing was not a professionally trained knife-fighter. She might well have missed a vital organ. She may have only meant to frighten or wound rather than kill.”

“Whites who don’t share the same life experiences of blacks are not qualified to correctly judge and resolve confrontations,” Psaki contended. “The President is very disturbed by this incident and is considering reforms to prevent similar shootings in the future.”

“Among the ideas under consideration are for police to explicitly request permission to shoot before they fire their weapons,” Psaki said. “Another is to get a racial profile of the participants for all 911 calls so dispatchers can determine whether black or white officers should be dispatched to the scene. A third option would be to ensure that multi-racial teams of cops be dispatched. That way if the person needing to be shot is black, the black officer could do it and if the person needing to be shot is white, the white officer could do it. Any of these ideas could help to diminish the frequency of racially biased shootings.”

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative for 16 years. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. Please do us a favor. If you use material created by Mr. Semmens, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Biden Admin Rejects ‘Protect Life Rule’

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

The Biden Administration Department of Health and Human Services announced it will reverse the Trump Administration’s “Protect Life” rule for receiving federal family planning aid, calling it “not in the best interest of public health.” The rule barred the use of taxpayer dollars to fund abortions and did not require “no kill” family assistance organizations to refer patients to abortion providers.

Secretary Xavier Becerra explained that “the entities the Trump rule protected are not entitled to the consideration he mandated. Fetuses have no rights which the government is obligated to respect. The assertion that they are unborn people is debatable. Since Roe v. Wade, courts have upheld the position that their existence can be terminated at any time the mother opts to do so.”

Read More

Senator Calls Defense of Economic Freedom ‘Craven Political Stunt’

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Self-proclaimed Vietnam War hero Sen. Richard Blumenthal (D-CT) called Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis’ demand that the CDC lift its ban on cruise ships “a craven political stunt. His contention that economic freedom is some sort of basic human right is ludicrous. It is up to the government to decide what economic privileges may be exercised and when.”

Read More

Filibuster a ‘Tool of Racists’

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

This week, Presidential Press secretary Jen Psaki argued for the elimination of the Senate Filibuster, calling it a “tool of racists. Throughout American history the Senate filibuster has been repeatedly used to block legislation that would safeguard the rights of minorities. As the President pointed out in his press conference on Thursday, the filibuster was the first line of defense in protecting Jim Crow laws that denied equality for blacks.”

Read More

Biden Falls Blamed On ‘Climate Change’

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

This week President Biden fell three times on the stairs leading up to Air Force One (AF1). White House deputy press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre blamed “climate change. Scientists have been warning that our failure to take climate change seriously would have serious consequences. Well, the nearly gale force winds that brought the President to his knees and almost knocked me down are a manifestation of the kind of threat we face.”

White House communications director Kate Bedingfield added, “I know folks have seen that President Biden slipped on his way up the stairs to AF1, but I’m happy to report that he is just fine and did not even require any attention from the medical team who travels with him. We were lucky this time. Next time we may not be. The President told me that he hopes this near tragedy will motivate Congress to pass the Green New Deal before it’s too late.”

Vice-President Harris pointed out that “there were similar incidents of near stumbles by Trump when he was president. Clearly, a pattern of increasingly dangerous weather fomented by fossil fuels is imperiling all of us. If Congress does not adequately address this crisis before President Biden is killed or severely injured, I will issue an executive order to implement the needed reforms to combat this global threat.”

According to the National Weather Service, winds at the site of AF1’s departure were 20 miles per hour with gusts up to 25 mph. The wind did not prevent the President’s plane from taking him to Atlanta so he might personally persuade Robert Long, the man arrested for killing eight salon workers, that he is a racist. “His claim that he did it to save himself from a sex addiction makes no sense,” Biden is said to have told his handlers. “I myself have found it hard to resist my urge to touch and sniff young women and girls, but I’ve never thought of killing them to save myself from this addiction. Since the majority of Long’s victims were persons of Asian descent a much more logical explanation for his murder spree was Trump’s blaming China for the COVID virus.”

Read More

Biden May Allow ‘Small July 4th Gatherings’

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

In his first prime time address to the nation President Joe Biden boosted American morale by promising “we may be able to allow small July 4th gatherings, but only if everyone behaves between now and then. This means get your vaccination, wear your mask, keep your distance, wash your hands, and wait for our permission to mingle with other appropriately obedient and deserving family members, friends, and neighbors.”

The President cautioned that “we must not lapse into old habits of going where we want whenever we want and with whoever we choose. We have been advised by New York University medical ethics professor Arthur Caplan that we should deny normal freedoms to people who don’t want to be vaccinated. This will give them a greater incentive to conform with what all our experts say people should do. Once everyone is vaccinated, the CDC will be giving us more detailed instructions regarding the freedoms we will and won’t be permitted to exercise. Scofflaws must not be allowed to undermine the total unity we are trying to accomplish for America.”

Read More