Dems Want $100 Million to Deal With Street Defecation

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Reps. Barbara Lee (D-Calif) and Rosa DeLauro (D-Conn) are proposing a federal grant program that would provide $100 million per year to cities to fund diapers.

“As we have seen, many of our urban centers are struggling to deal with people defecating in the streets,” Rep. Lee said. “On the one hand, the accumulating piles of excrement pose a health hazard. On the other hand, cities want to respect people’s right to pursue happiness in their own way. Our proposed legislation bridges this gap by providing the funds to pay for the distribution of adult diapers in these feces bestrewn cities.”

Whether the targeted population can be persuaded to avail themselves of the free diapers was not explicitly addressed by Lee, however, she did express optimism that “their sense of human decency combined with the absence of any out-of-pocket expense for the needed supplies would prove adequate to make a significant dent in the problem.”

Democrat 2020 presidential contender former Texas Rep. Beto O’Rourke quickly endorsed the proposed measure and pointed out that “full diapers would offer some ripe opportunities for pranking friends and loved ones.”

French Troops Cleared to Fire on Protesters

Pushed to the limits of his tolerance by 19 straight weeks of street protests against high taxes and low wages, French President Emmanuel Macron has given permission for government troops to used deadly force “to quell this annoying resistance to modern life. The teargas, baton charges, and water cannons we have been using have proven insufficient. It’s time we raise the stakes for those who seek to discredit the government’s right to rule them as we sit fit.”

The one limit that Macron has imposed is “to refrain from shooting any of our Muslim residents lest we escalate the violence against a population that will not restrain itself from deadly retaliation. So far, the Muslims have been putting their energy into desecrating synagogues and churches or targeting a few Jews or Christians for assault, rape and murder. They have not been part of the ‘yellow vest’ mobs. Let’s keep it that way.”

Sweden wants to Import More Muslims

The Swedish Migration Board has decided to grant asylum to 11 million Chinese Islamic Uyghurs. Carl Bexelius, Deputy Legal Chief at the Migration Board, justified the decision by pointing out that “fertility rates in Sweden have fallen below replacement levels. Ethnic Swedes are refusing to bear children. Rather than let our country become vacant it is better to let it be filled with the more fecund Muslims. If all 11 million manage to come here our population would double in a very short period of time.”

Public Employment Service Director General Mikael Sjöberg argued that “our ability to provide social benefits for our aging population depends upon a growing base of workers who will pay the taxes needed to sustain these benefits. We are hoping that the influx of young Muslim immigrants will fulfill this objective.”

Unfortunately, recent experience with immigrants from Islamic regions of the world to Sweden are not encouraging. The Muslim immigrants living in Sweden have an unemployment rate of nearly 20%. This is five times higher than that of ethnic Swedes. Sweden has also has been transformed from a low crime nation to a high crime nation since it began wholesale importation of Muslims into the country. For example, the frequency of sex crimes committed against women has tripled since 2011. These trends do not support the hoped for outcomes articulated by Swedish government officials.

Comey Hopes Trump Won’t Be Impeached

In a New York Times op ed, James Comey, former FBI Director and key instigator of the deep-state conspiracy against Trump, says he hopes the President doesn’t get impeached. “The chance that an impeachment will lead to a conviction in the US Senate is not good,” he estimated. “The failure of such a gambit will be seen as a vindication of Trump and likely aid his reelection.”

“I think a better strategy would be to have another go at undermining him from within the government,” Comey suggested. “The assets are in place to carry this out and I believe we have learned enough from the mistakes we made in the 2016 effort to greatly boost the probability of success if we give it another try.”

According to Comey, a crucial error in the 2016 conspiracy to block Trump’s election “was our perception that we needed to feign impartiality. This led to my mistaken ‘reopening’ of the Clinton email case in October. With the polls all showing Clinton would win in a landslide, we felt it important to simulate an even-handedness in order to preserve the FBI’s credibility. But the last two years of non-stop vilification of Trump by a biased media has demonstrated that credibility for an image of fairness is not necessary. A constant repetition of concocted falsities is enough to convince a vast majority of voters.”

“We’ve also learned that stories alleging ‘pussy grabbing,’ ‘urinating prostitutes,’ and extramarital liaisons with assorted women are not powerful enough to turn voters away from Trump,” Comey added. “We’re going to have to allege real crimes—like a liaison that ended up with a woman drowning or the sexual exploitation of children at a Caribbean resort—if we are to take this man down in 2020.”

Democrat Presidential Hopefuls Proffer Reasons to Vote for Them

The growing roster of Democrats vying for the Party’s 2020 presidential nomination has led to a desperate search for winning issues. Among the ideas being market tested are Andrew Yang’s proposal to establish a “Legion of Builders and Destroyers” who will don capes and masks and embark on a quest to restore the foreskins of males who have been circumcised. “The mutilation has gone on for far too long,” he says.

Former Texas Rep. Beto O’Rourke has cited his balanced experience of being both a lawbreaker and a lawmaker as “a more well-rounded resume than anyone else in the race. Being arrested for burglary and DUI has given me insight that my rivals can’t match. I am primed to pioneer a new era of amnesty that will eliminate the scourge of incarceration for all except the worst offenders, most of whom are either Republicans or Trump associates, or both.”

Sen. Kamala Harris (Calif) challenged O’Rourke’s claim of a uniquely balanced perspective. “As a former attorney general I’ve convicted the innocent and exonerated the guilty,” she boasted. “I think this shows an ability to rise above the constraints of the law and evidence, if necessary, to achieve the kind of social justice others in my Party have merely given lip-service to. When I’m president no one will be beyond the reach of my authority to implement the complete transformation of the United States into the progressive state of President Obama’s dreams.”

John Hickenlooper, former governor of Colorado points out that “I am the only person in history who has taken his mother out on a date to see the classic porn movie ‘Deep Throat.’ Others may think they are visionaries, but none have dared to take such a step. My sexual bravery is without peer among those seeking the presidency. Even the notoriously promiscuous JFK never ventured anything similar to my escapade with my Mom. This is the sort of boldness that marks me as the leader America needs in these perilous times.”

Sen. Cory Booker (NJ) made an effort to remind voters that “the first item on my action agenda after I’m elected president will be to reverse Trump’s policy against transgenders serving in the military. By my way of thinking, anyone who has the courage to have his balls cut off in an attempt to become an ugly woman certainly has the courage to engage in hand-to-hand combat. And while I’m sure Trump isn’t aware of it, there have been entire armies of fierce eunuchs deployed by great Muslim emirs in previous eras. I don’t see why the US Army shouldn’t revive this weapon to demoralize our country’s foreign and domestic enemies.”

Dems Point Out Eerie Parallels Between Trump and Hitler

In a bid to bolster their contention that President Trump is the worst person to ever occupy the Oval Office, House of Representatives Democratic Whip James Clyburn (SC) listed what he termed “the frightening and eerie parallels between Adolf Hitler and Donald Trump. Both abstained from consuming alcohol. Both were elected with less than a majority of the popular vote. Both characterized their predecessors as ineffective and corrupt. Both came to power as outsiders without prior experience in government. Both achieved a strong economy and military. It could hardly be clearer that President Trump is the biggest threat to America and the world in my lifetime.”

Fellow historian and House Judiciary Chairman Jerry Nadler (NY) added “both criticized the international order. Both were for law and order. Both held xenophobic views. Hitler wanted Germany for Germans. Trump wants America for Americans. Both sent troops into foreign lands.”

“Further, Trump’s intention to block the entry of newcomers into the United States even though Congress opposes him is tyranny,” Nadler claimed. “In my opinion, impeachment is too mild of a remedy. If Hitler hadn’t committed suicide he would have been hanged. Our biggest problem is that Trump will never commit suicide. I pray that we have the same strength of character to take the drastic actions needed to save this country and the world that FDR did during the 1940s.”

Guv Endorses Bill Allowing Non-Doctors to Perform Abortions

Governor Janet Mills (D-Maine) is backing legislation that would allow non-doctors to perform late term abortions in her state. “The kind of slicing and dicing needed to dispose of an unwanted child doesn’t require the same kind of education and expertise needed to save a life,” Mills contends. “The law currently allows mohels, who are not doctors, to perform circumcisions. Why shouldn’t Satanists, who regard abortion as a sacred rite, be permitted to decapitate and dismember the unwanted unborn?”

The governor’s suggestion was greeted by cheering and applause from Democrats in the state legislature. It was also praised by Planned Parenthood’s spokesperson Adora Slaughter, who called it “a significant step toward reducing the cost of the procedure. Doctors are expensive. The skills required for performing an abortion could be mastered by a wider range of individuals after a much shorter course of training. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if your average professional meat cutter couldn’t do the job as well as the obgyns we have to employ under the current regulations.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Admitted Thief Throws Hat in Race for Dem Presidential Nomination

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

This week, Robert “Beto” O’Rourke, the Kennedyesque former Texas Democrat Representative and failed Senate candidate, changed course and declared he will run for his Party’s nomination in the 2020 presidential election. O’Rourke got his start on the path to politics in his teens as a member of the Cult of the Dead Cow (CDC) during the 1980s.

The CDC financed its activities by pirating software, pilfering long-distance phone service and credit card fraud. The CDC’s web site contained a warning saying: “This site may contain explicit descriptions of or advocate one or more of the following: adultery, murder, morbid violence, bad grammar, deviant sexual conduct in violent contexts, or the consumption of alcohol and illegal drugs.”

O’Rourke used the pilfered services to post what he called “imaginative fiction” using the pen name “Psychedelic Warlord.” One of his stories featured a driver who intentionally killed two children because “they were happy. This happiness was mine by right.”

The newest of the growing collection of Democrats running for president described his experiences with CDC as “a good foundation for my career in politics. Many of the issues we advocated for 30 years ago –adultery, violence, bad grammar, deviant sexuality and drug abuse—have become widely accepted mainstream behaviors.”

“Given my background and visionary brilliance, I am the world’s best chance to stave off the coming climate catastrophe that scientists unanimously agree will occur in 12 years,” O’Rourke bragged. “I am the only candidate bold enough to take the severe and painful measures called for in the Green New Deal. Some people will say that I am pirating an idea first articulated by Rep. Ocasio-Cortez. But let me point out that 30 years before she was born I was writing about cows and urging their extermination as a possible means of deterring their farts.”

At her weekly press conference, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) was asked to comment on any accomplishments that might recommend his election as president. She responded saying “well, he is a natural born citizen, is more than 35 years old and has lived here for more than 14 years. These qualifications set him apart from the millions of newcomers who will cast ballots to elect our next president.”

Meanwhile, the O’Rourke campaign has posted a want ad for volunteers “willing and able to wax his ass and scrub his balls.” Campaign spokesman Peter Hynd cryptically explained the bizarre request, saying that “the candidate requires certain personal attentions to look, feel and be at his best.”

Congresswoman Suggests Banks Be Nationalized

Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif), Chairperson of the House Financial Services Committee, asked Wells Fargo CEO Tim Sloan if the scandals that have plagued his bank “might prove that it is too big to manage. We see a pattern here. Customers have been abused and money has been wasted or misspent. Where’s the accountability?”

Waters wondered “whether the idea that banks can be trusted is no longer valid for our modern economy. Greed has gotten us into this mess. Maybe it’s time the government steps in to run all the banks and replaces the profit motive with a more socially just way of doing things. Unlike the private sector, the government isn’t bound to earn a profit. It can manage businesses free of the constraints of focus on the bottom line. Loans could be given based on need without concern about whether the borrower can make payments. This is how they do it in Cuba and we never hear of any scandals, defaults, or waste there.”

New Zealand Terror Attack Blamed on Trump

A gunman who described himself as a “Green Nationalist” and admirer of Oswald Mosley—the leader of the British Union of Fascists in the 1930s—murdered 49 people at two mosques in Christchurch. The shooter’s “Manifesto” explained the crime as “a more direct approach to saving the planet from overpopulation” by targeting “a group that is among the fastest breeding segment of humanity.” He also expressed admiration of China’s one-child policy, but “had to take matters into my own hands because western governments don’t have the balls to do what is needed.”

CNN was quick to suggest that US President Trump was somehow to blame. John Berman, host of the program “New Day,” professed to not blame Trump, but went on to say that “the President is not the killer, per se, but I detect a fear of immigrants similar to what the shooter expressed. And Trump, like the shooter, is white, while most of the victims were brown foreigners.”

CNN panelist Joe Lockhart saw a parallel between “the gunman’s paramilitary assault and Trump’s boast that he has the support of the US Military on his side. I’m not saying that Trump consciously invites anyone to murder immigrants, but couldn’t the deranged gunman have thought that he did? Can we afford to absolve an unwitting Trump from all responsibility here? Isn’t it our obligation to do whatever we can to silence him?”

Meanwhile, a group of students at New York University conducting a vigil to remember and mourn the victims of the attack assailed a hapless Chelsea Clinton when she dared to join the vigil. They blamed her “Islamophobia” for inspiring the shooter. “You married a Jew,” they shouted. “You criticized Rep. Omar for warning everyone about the Jews.” Flustered, Chelsea apologized profusely for her “insensitivity” and remarked that “it’s so hard to keep up with correct thinking.”

Goat Elected Town Mayor

In Fair Haven, Vermont voters have elected a goat named “Lincoln” mayor. In an attempt to explain the unusual outcome, Town Manager Joseph Gunter said he was unsure, but offered some possible motivations. “On the one hand, the goat’s name may have played a part in the decision. Lincoln was one of this nation’s greatest leaders. Perhaps the name alone inspired confidence.”

“On the other hand, voters have elected and reelected Bernie Sanders to the US Senate,” Gunter observed. “So, odd choices by the electorate are not entirely unknown in our state. At least the goat hasn’t proposed any crazy policies that could embarrass our town.”

Testicular Bill of Rights Proposed in Georgia

Angered that the legislature passed a law protecting the unborn from being killed once a heartbeat is detected, Rep. Dar’shun Kendrick (D-Lithonia) has introduced a bill she calls a “Testicular Bill of Rights.”

“This will level the playing field by establishing the same kind of regulations infringing upon men’s bodies that Republicans have imposed on women’s bodies,” Kendrick contends. The provisions of her bill include: (1) require men to have their partner’s permission before an erectile dysfunction medication can be prescribed; (2) ban vasectomies and punish doctors who perform them; (3) punish men who have sex without a condom; (4) require men to start paying child support when their partners are six-week pregnant; and (5) a 24-hour waiting period for men to acquire porn or sex toys.

While critics see more spite than genuine health issues as the driving motivation behind her bill, Kendrick pointed out that “an abortion kills only one person, but every ejaculation kills millions of potential persons. Laws that focus exclusively on preventing a mother from killing her own baby are unfairly singling out females whose lesser crime pales compared to the mass murders routinely committed by men. It’s not as if the fate of every man is not in his own hands. If he always wears a condom the chance he will impregnate any woman is nil. So, any man who religiously obeys section three of my law should be relatively safe from prosecution.”

Fellow abortion fanatic Rep. Park Cannon (D-Atlanta) favors a simpler approach and has offered an amendment “that would strike all the complicated provisions of Kendrick’s bill and replace them with a single requirement mandating that men turn themselves into the police whenever they release sperm from their testicles.”

Former Democratic candidate for Georgia governor Stacy Abrams said she “sympathized with Rep. Kendrick’s frustration,” but characterized her proposed bill “a joke.” Instead, she blamed corporations for not stopping the heartbeat bill from becoming law. “The majority of abortions are performed on poor women,” she pointed out. “Preventing these abortions means more mouths to feed and drives up the cost of welfare benefits. I would’ve thought that businesses would have opposed the new law on fiscal grounds. The few thousands they could’ve paid to sway the votes needed to kill the bill will now be outweighed by the millions in higher taxes needed to support these unwanted children.”

FBI Witness Blames Lynch, Rues Getting Caught

Lisa Page, a key cog in the Obama Administration’s conspiracy to derail Trump’s campaign and sabotage him after he won the election, testified to Congress that it was Attorney General Loretta Lynch who ordered FBI Director James Comey to exonerate Hillary Clinton for mishandling classified government communications.

For her part, Lynch denied that she explicitly ordered Comey to do anything. “I just passed on the message given to me by Bill Clinton in our tarmac meeting. He said that Hillary really wanted to be president and that anyone who messed that up would regret it, possibly to the point of becoming suicidal. He advised me not to scoff because he’s seen it happen many times over the years.”

After her testimony Page said she regretted what had happened. “I don’t regret doing everything I could to try to rig the election for Hillary. Please make sure that President Clinton knows that. What I regret most is that we failed. What I regret second most is that we got caught. All that blabbing and boasting that Peter and I did via phone texting was stupid. The Mafia has a code of omertà for a reason. We should have abided by it.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. His work has been cited by Rush Limbaugh. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Dems Can’t Reach Consensus to Condemn Anti-Semitism

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Unable to cobble together a majority of her Party willing to vote for a resolution condemning the repeated anti-Semitic propaganda issuing forth from Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-Minn), Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) was able to get an insipid statement opposing hatred through.

“Since there are so many hateful things being said and done in the world, our caucus didn’t think it would be fair to single out Rep. Omar for rebuke,” Pelosi explained. “On top of that, it was pointed out to me the Quran commands Muslims to hate Jews and that criticizing her for following the commands of her faith would violate her right to freedom of religion.”

Democratic Whip Rep. James Clyburn (D-SC) applauded Pelosi’s compromise and pointed out that “Omar has a right to vent against Jews after she spent so much time in a Kenyan refugee camp. She personally suffered. Almost all the Jews who survived the Holocaust are no longer alive. Most Jews alive today, therefore, have not personally experienced the kind of suffering that Omar has.” Unfortunately for Clyburn’s argument, Jews were not involved in running the refugee camp where Omar suffered.

Rep. Jan Schakowsky (D-Ill) defended Omar’s slander on the grounds that “she was raised in a different culture. Every Muslim child is taught to hate Jews. It should not be surprising that as an adult Rep. Omar is repeating the lessons taught her as a child. Chastising her now for expressing her beliefs is part and parcel of the bigger problem of Islamophobia that is impeding this rapidly growing religion of peace from achieving the world-wide dominance that the Prophet Muhammad envisioned. Whether we agree with this vision or not, Muslims have a constitutional right to speak and take the actions necessary to fulfilling it.”

Twenty-three Republicans voted against the compromise measure, an action which Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez characterized as “worse than the supposed anti-Semitic offense of Rep. Omar. Her hate was limited in scope to only a tiny world-wide minority. The 23 Republicans refused to support a statement against all the forms of hate that exist in the world.”

Rep. Liz Cheney (R-WY) called the resolution “a sham measure designed to provide cover for the anti-Semitic hate and bigotry expressed by Rep. Omar. The lame attempts to excuse her because she suffered or grew up in a culture that normalized anti-Semitism show a Democrat Party that has lost its grip on decency. The failure to specifically condemn Rep. Omar’s vile slanders amounts to a defacto endorsement of the idea that being a Democrat gives her immunity.”

Democrat contenders for their Party’s 2020 presidential nomination Sen. Bernie Sanders (Vt), Sen. Kamala Harris (Calif), and Sen. Elizabeth Warren (Mass) all defended Omar’s freedom of speech. “Anti-Semitism isn’t necessarily the best use of freedom of speech, but it still merits our respect,” Harris said. “My greatest fear is that by officially condemning Rep. Omar we might be putting her at risk of violence.”

While Democrats may be willing to excuse Omar for slandering Jews it remains to be seen whether she will as easily be given a pass for assailing former President Obama as “a murderer for his assassination of suspected terrorists and nearby persons via drone strikes” and “as bad as Trump for putting immigrants in cages.”

House Dems Endorse Illegal Voting

As part of its top priority “For the People Act,” the Democrat-controlled House of Representatives voted 228 to 197 to explicitly endorse local governments that allow illegal immigrants to vote. Federal law currently does not permit non-citizens to vote in federal elections. However, the enforcement of this law is more difficult when state and local election ballots are cast simultaneously.

Rep. John Lewis (D-GA) enthusiastically praised the measure, saying “we are prepared to open up the political process and let all of the people come in. ‘Newcomers,’ as Speaker Pelosi has dubbed them, have a human right to vote. Since a majority of these newcomers will need to rely on government welfare programs to receive food, housing, and cash handouts to live they have an abiding interest in selecting who controls the government. This bill implicitly recognizes this human right.”

Rep. Dan Crenshaw (R-TX) disagreed: “Letting foreigners into the country with the expectation that they have a right to be supported by American taxpayers effectively forces taxpayers to take in non-paying boarders. Allowing these non-paying boarders to vote for politicians who will continue and expand these burdensome government giveaways is the path to fiscal disaster. It is bad enough that citizens on welfare can vote for programs they make no tax contribution to support. Inviting the millions of foreigners who illegally enter the United States this same right gives too much power to the non-productive to impose never-ending burdens on citizens who work for a living.”

In related news, Pelosi (D-Calif) denounced GOP efforts to include a provision requiring that “newcomers” in the country who illegally try to buy guns be reported to Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) in her Party’s gun control legislation. “Without the legal right to live here these newcomers have even more need for a gun than the law-abiding segment of the population,” she argued. “They can’t rely on police to protect them without risking being deported. Owning personal firearms are their best means of self-defense.”

Hawaii Dems Call for Repeal of 2nd Amendment

The Hawaii Senate is considering a resolution calling for a repeal of the 2nd Amendment right to bear arms. The heavily Democrat-dominated body (there is only one Republican and 24 Democrats) will most likely pass the resolution.

Resolution co-sponsor Roz Baker (D-Maui) says “the era when individuals had to have firearms to hunt for food or ward off criminals is long past. In 1789, help could not be easily summoned and once summoned could take hours or more to respond. Today, police can be summoned in seconds and arrive within minutes. There is no longer a need for individual ownership of firearms.”

Co-sponsor Stanley Chang (D-Oahu) contends that “the whole notion that the 2nd Amendment was ever intended to allow individuals to own firearms is erroneous. The Amendment specifies that the right belongs to members of the militia. Allowing individuals to own guns dilutes government control. Owning firearms gives individuals objecting to this control the means to cause disruption and disobedience. The future belongs to collectivism. The armed agents of the law must be free of the fear that opponents have viable means to resist the demands made upon them to cooperate with laws and rules promulgated by duly elected authorities.”

Chang dismissed writer of the phrase “inalienable rights,” Thomas Jefferson’s belief that “no freeman shall ever be debarred the use of arms” and Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia’s ruling that “the 2nd Amendment protects an individual right to possess a firearm,” as “clearly wrong. In any case, we have the means to correct their errors by repealing that Amendment.”

DNC Bars Fox News from Covering Debates

The Democratic National Committee (DNC) announced it will not allow Fox News to host any of the 2020 presidential election debates. DNC Chairman Tom Perez cited “the network’s hostility toward our Party’s positions and policies. It would be unfair for our candidates to have to answer questions from our political enemies.”

President Trump was quick to mock the DNC’s decision. “I guess the Democratic candidates need a host that will give them the questions in advance. They have so little confidence in their ability to explain their crazy ideas to the American people that they want a reliable CNN or MSNBC to help them avoid being honest on the issues of the day.”

Perez rebuffed Trump’s mockery, saying that “some individuals and some ideas don’t merit a public airing. Trump is one of those individuals whose ideas are so poisonous that our society has a moral duty not to hear him out. We can’t let the Republicans lean on the crutch of freedom of speech to hypnotize naive voters. The Democratic Party will always take a stand for protecting these voters from the GOP’s siren song of individualism and personal freedom. We all need to stand together for the collective well-being of all. Progressives are the only ones in sync with this vital mission. The time has come to pull together a plan of how to proceed. We don’t have the time to waste listening to those who reject this mission.”

Meanwhile, former presidential candidate Hillary Clinton sought to clarify her “not running” statement. “I still want to be president,” she reminded everyone. “I think my record of public service adequately demonstrates that I still deserve to be president. But I don’t think it would be fair for me to have to jump through all the hoops that those less qualified will have to do to try to win over voters. I just want America to know that I am available to step in when the dwarfs that have lately come into the race have flamed out.”

Accused Killer Wants Change in Venue

Cristhian Rivera, the illegal alien on trial for murdering University of Iowa student Mollie Tibbetts in August of last year, has asked for a change of venue. He claims that the likely jury pool won’t constitute a “jury of my peers.”

“How can a jury of white corn farmers fairly assess the fate of a Latino immigrant?” he asks. “They don’t know what it is like to trek hundreds of miles to secretly cross the border. They don’t know what it is like to work at menial jobs for low wages? They don’t know how difficult it is for a young man with strong romantic urges, but of limited English speaking skills, to meet and woo girls.”

Rivera proposes that “a jury comprised of other immigrants from south of the border would provide a more peer like panel. Maybe some of the rapists and murderers currently being detained by ICE could more productively spend their time sitting on my case than locked up in cells.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Biden Apologizes for Calling VP Pence ‘Decent’

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Caving to left-wing criticism, former Vice-President Joe Biden apologized for calling current Vice-President Mike Pence “a decent guy.” The criticism focused on two key complaints. First, actress and former Democratic candidate for New York governor Cynthia Nixon cited Pence’s Christian objections to gay marriage, claiming that “opposition to the LBGT agenda is per se indecent.”

Nixon suggested that “we also look at all the photos of Biden groping people. In almost every instance the ones he’s laid his hands on are female and many are underage. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that Biden is a mainstream sexual harasser and part-time pedophile.”

Second, Nixon reminded Biden that “Pence is a Republican and, worse, a Trump supporter. That marks him for political extinction in the name of social justice. To think that a man who aspires to be the Democratic nominee for president in the 2020 election would have kind words for any Republican is shameful.”

Biden tried to clarify his remarks by pointing out that “I was just trying to be polite and civil. Mike has never said or done anything indecent to me. I thought that since we’ve both had to trod similar ground as VPs there might be a common bond that goes beyond some of our differences. But I now realize that treating a political opponent as a friend undermines the narrative the Democratic Party is striving to communicate to voters. There can be no civility toward Republicans. They must be driven out of government and out of all public spaces if we are to fully implement the progressive transformation of America.”

Moderate Dems Threatened

This week, 26 moderate Democrats joined Republicans in voting for an amendment to the House’s bill requiring background checks for all firearms transactions—including those between family members. Since it is against the law for persons in the country illegally to possess firearms, the GOP amendment added a clause requiring gun sellers to notify ICE whenever such a purchase is attempted.

Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) was outraged “at this betrayal of the socialist future we are trying to bring to this country. If we are going to overcome the constitutional and traditional barriers to gun confiscation in America we must have Party solidarity in Congress. In situations like this I always ask myself what would Lenin have done. Well, an example of Leninism in action can be seen in Venezuela where the rightful president is facing widespread disobedience from his citizens. Imagine how much worse it would be for him if he had not had the foresight to confiscate his people’s guns. The socialism he has gifted to his country could be undermined by armed resistance. If we are to avert potential armed resistance to socialism in the United States we must be as wise as President Maduro has been.”

“For now, this means every Democrat must do his or her duty to support the Party,” she added. “Those who don’t will face primary opposition from Democrats loyal to the cause. The Party doesn’t need moderates. Moderation in pursuit of social justice is no virtue and extremism in pursuit of social justice is no vice.”

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) was doubly outraged. “I am the leader of the Democrats in Congress,” she said. “I give the marching orders to our Party’s representatives. Their obligation is to obey. This goes for the renegades who voted with the Republicans for the amendment and the upstart freshman member who tries to usurp my prerogatives.”

While Pelosi wasn’t as blatant as Ocasio-Cortez in her threats against those who have defied her authority, she did suggest that nonconforming Democrats should not expect to receive financial support for their reelection from the Democratic National Committee. “If these Democrats want to break ranks with me they can fund their own campaigns,” the Speaker asserted. Ironically, the denial of DNC funding to the moderate Democrats will boost Ocasio-Cortez’s lunatic minions’ chances of success in unseating them in Democratic primaries and further augment the influence of this obstreperous upstart.

In other Ocasio-Cortez news, the Congresswoman was recently spied eating a hamburger in public. Readers may recall, that her Green New Deal calls for the elimination of farting cows. Rather than being a hypocrite, she insisted that “those of us in government have got to keep up our strength. Eating the cows is one way of getting the protein we need while simultaneously removing them from the environment one bite at a time.”

Rep. Omar Says Trump Unfairly Undermining Maduro

Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-Minn) defended Venezuelan President Maduro’s order for troops to fire on humanitarian aid workers trying to delivery food to the nation’s starving inhabitants. “This food aid has not been approved by the legitimate government authorities,” Omar pointed out. “It is a totally ad hoc effort that is undermining the Maduro regime’s attempts to rally his people against the Yankee imperialism that is the root cause of the crisis in Venezuela.”

“Venezuela used to be able to count on oil revenue to finance the country’s transition to socialism,” Omar maintained. “But under Trump’s radical deregulation policy the United States has now become the world’s largest crude oil producer. The collapse of demand for petroleum imports to the United States has led to oil prices drastically declining over the past two years and devastated Maduro’s revenues and plans.”

“The argument that a free market economy would avert the starvation seeks to impose an ideology that the Venezuelan Government has steadfastly rejected as exploitative,” she argued. “Maduro doesn’t want his people to be motivated by greed. He wants them to fulfill their social obligations to the collective state. It is their shirking of these obligations that has led to the food shortages that Maduro is trying to use to chastise them into obedience. The so-called humanitarian aid is aimed at thwarting this chastisement. Using force to prevent the food from reaching Venezuela’s disobedient citizens is within Maduro’s right to rule his country as he sees fit.”

California Dem’s Bill Would Outlaw High School Animal Dissections

California Assemblyman Ash Kalra (D-San Jose) has introduced a bill that would ban high school biology classes from dissecting animals as part of their learning about anatomy. Kalra says that “the current law allowing students with moral objections to opt out of the dissection lesson is unsatisfactory. For one, it still allows the callous exploitation of animals to go forward. Second, it allows students without moral scruples to receive a more complete education than their morally superior peers.”

“The whole premise of these dissections is founded on an unwarranted notion that humans are more important than other creatures,” Kalra observed. “Well, to me that’s immoral. If the knowledge gained from dissecting frogs is what it takes to educate better doctors or scientists I say it’s time we ditch our elitist pretensions. If we’re objective about it we’ll admit that human lives aren’t really any more valuable than those of frogs. Would the 60 million abortions performed in this country since the 1973 Roe v. Wade decision have taken place if we thought human life was somehow special? In contrast, there are no known cases of frogs aborting their offspring.”

The Assemblyman said he would be willing to allow dissections of aborted human fetuses instead of animals. “The aborted human specimen can be used without affronting logical thinking,” he contended. “It is rejected biological tissue. It is also more a more appropriate specimen for students aspiring to go into medicine. So rather than continue to violate the rights of innocent animals why not make use of cast off human remains as the foundation of our high school biology instruction?”

Senator Says Lining up to Buy Food a “Good Thing”

Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-Vt) boldly countered assertions that socialism would lead to food shortages, rationing, and long lines for those trying to get food by contending that “contrary to capitalist propaganda, making people stand in line to buy food is a good thing. Let’s examine the facts.”

“Can anyone rationally dispute the reality that in the United States a distressingly large proportion of the population is morbidly obese?” Sanders asked. “The ease with which food can be obtained is the main reason for this health crisis. If food were scarcer and more expensive people wouldn’t be able to get fat. The amount of money each person would have under socialism would be low enough to force him or her to be more selective. The time-consuming procedure of requiring food seekers to wait in line would also tend to work against obesity. There just wouldn’t be enough time in the day to stand in all the various lines for bread, meat, etc. for anyone to get all the food he or she wants even if they could afford it.”

“The ancillary benefits of the queuing process would also contribute to a healthier population,” the Senator added. “Standing is healthier than sitting. And since the majority of those in line would be outdoors they’d get more fresh air and sunshine. There’ would also be more opportunities to chat with fellow citizens while waiting in line. This would combat the loneliness that currently plagues America where isolated individuals can drive to pick up fast food, take it home and watch TV alone. So, when we seriously look into the dynamics I think we can all agree that the food lines that have characterized socialist societies around the world are, on balance, a net plus for the human condition.”

In related news, the presidential contender announced that he would be releasing his tax returns “at some point,” but doubted people would find them very interesting. “I myself have no idea what’s in those documents. I’m a complete putz when it comes to numbers. Between the deductions on the three homes, the incomprehensible-to-me revenues from various well-wishers, and the opaque IRS instructions I’m lost. Luckily my wife handles all our finances. So, if there are any mistakes it’s not my fault.”

Anti-Infanticide Bill Fails in Senate

This week, the Born Alive Abortion Survivors Protection Act was blocked in the US Senate. While a 53-44 majority voted for the measure, the bill failed to garner the 60 votes required by Senate rules and did not advance to an actual vote. If enacted, the measure would require that doctors render aid to any baby that survives an abortion procedure and impose penalties for failure to provide life-saving assistance.

All the Democratic senators who have already announced their intention to run for their Party’s 2020 presidential nomination—Bernie Sanders (Vt), Kamala Harris (Calif), Cory Booker (NJ), Kirsten Gillibrand (NY), Amy Klobuchar (Minn), and Elizabeth Warren (Mass)–voted against providing aid to abortion survivors.

Sen. Harris explained that “the mother’s decision to have an abortion is her inalienable right. Inasmuch as late term abortions typically are achieved either by tearing the fetus apart limb-by-limb or burning it to death with acidic chemicals, a child who survives that is clearly a medical error. We cannot, in good conscience, allow such an error to trample a woman’s inalienable right to dispose of her unwanted offspring.”

A curious Sen. Booker wanted to know “why are Republicans so hung up on an artificial distinction between before and after birth? If it’s okay to kill the entity before it comes out of the womb, why wouldn’t it be okay to complete the termination afterward? Besides, I think they’re getting all worked up over an extremely rare event. More Americans die after being shot than die after surviving an attempt to end their existence via an abortion. Why isn’t this greater carnage moving the GOP to support gun control?”

Rep. Chris Smith (R-NJ) reminded Sen. Booker that “nowhere near 60 million people have been shot to death since Roe v. Wade. If my fellow legislator wants to measure the blood that’s been spilled, how can he overlook the fact that abortion has killed more Americans than all our wars combined. This is the greater carnage that the Pro-Life Caucus is trying to end.”

The blame for the failure to make this small dent in the wave of murder that is massacring a million babies a year does not all belong to the Democrats. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell’s (R-Ken) dedication to preserving the Senate’s “elegant tradition of unlimited debate” allowed the minority opposed to the legislation to block a vote on the measure, which likely would have passed. Historically, McConnell’s “elegant tradition” has mostly been used to block legislation that would have repealed Jim Crow laws that have discriminated against Blacks in some parts of the country. Why maintaining this tradition should be more important than saving the lives of abortion survivors remains a mystery.

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Smollett Hoax Excused

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

This week, Chicago Police Superintendent Eddie Johnson announced that actor Jussie Smollett’s claim that two Trump supporters assaulted him after his January 29th 2 A.M. run to Subway for a tuna sandwich was a hoax.

“Suspicions were first raised when the responding officers noticed that the sandwich survived unscathed,” Johnson said. “How does that happen with two men beating on Mr. Smollett? To put it succinctly, it made his story seem fishy.”

“After we located the suspects it turned out they were friends of Mr. Smollett who alleged that he had paid them to lightly beat him without doing any serious harm, especially to his face. They were able to back up their claim by leading us to the $3500 check Smollett wrote to them to cover the expenses incurred in the plot—the non-chafing rope, the environmentally-friendly bleach, the Make America Great Again hats, and the black face masks.”

Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif) expressed her “disappointment that the attack might have been staged,” but said that “his highly credible story reflects a deeper reality. The fact is that President Trump is a racist and there are doubtless many Trump supporters who would’ve enjoyed beating up a gay black man. I think Jussie deserves some credit for trying to dramatize this deeper reality.”

Sen. Kamala Harris (D-Calif) averred that “I am sad, frustrated and disappointed that this particular incident seems to have been a hoax. However, we shouldn’t lose sight of the fact that real attacks of this sort do take place. Jussie’s efforts to draw attention to this fact were well intended.”

For his part, Smollett is now contending that the scheme “was essentially a ‘dry run’ for a subplot segment of a future episode of Empire. Judging from the initial responses, I’d have to say that I’ve demonstrated that I’m more than just an actor. The verisimilitude of my vignette shows my screenwriting ability is considerable and supports my case for a bigger slice of the Empire pie.”

Smollett also claims that “the fact that I paid my co-actors by check shows that I had no criminal intent. Crooks don’t pay by check. I also fully intend to write checks to the unwitting actors from the Chicago Police force. I couldn’t do this in advance because I couldn’t count on them to give realistic performances without their belief that the events in my scenario were real. After all, they, unlike me, are not professional actors.”

MSNBC’s Al Sharpton was less forgiving, insisting that “anyone who would perpetrate such a heinous hoax ought to face maximum accountability. Under no circumstances should he be given a media platform with which to broadcast his ill-conceived ideas. The airwaves are already glutted with erroneous commentary and misleading news reports.”

Maduro Goons Shoot Samaritans & Starving Citizens

Armed troops loyal to President Maduro opened fire on the good samaritans trying to bring food aid to desperately hungry Venezuelans—killing two and wounding another dozen or so. According to Maduro, “the aid is an attack on the sovereignty of my country. It is not for outsiders to decide what or how much Venezuelans should eat. That is my prerogative.”

Major media outlets in the US variously characterized the Army’s attack on the unarmed victims as a “clash” (Reuters), “standoff” (CNN), “showdown” (New York Times), and “face-off” (Wall Street Journal). An off-the-record explanation was offered by a CNN reporter: “look, Trump has already taken sides against Maduro’s wrecking of the country’s economy. Clearly, that is an intrusion on its sovereignty. Just because the results of Maduro’s policies aren’t liked by some citizens doesn’t give them the right to collude with foreigners to undermine them. We are merely presenting an unbiased description of the situation.”

Trump Demands Return of Federal Aid

In the wake of Gov. Gavin Newsome’s decision to scale down California’s bullet train, the Trump Administration is demanding that federal grants awarded for the larger original project be returned. Originally, the train was to connect San Diego, Los Angeles, Sacramento, and San Francisco. The scaled down version will connect Bakersfield and Merced.

“The federal aid for this train was predicated on the promise of a much bigger system,” Trump said. “Since they aren’t going to build the bigger system, they’re not entitled to the money. It’s like a contractor promising to build a mansion, but delivering a shack. California has no legal right to keep the money intended for the larger project.”

Stanford law professor David Engstrom bypassed the legalities and observed that “the practice of recovering money for breach of contract is not something that is ordinarily done in the public sector. Squandering federal aid is expected. Bureaucrats at the federal level repeatedly overlook this waste out of solidarity with state and local bureaucrats. The basic procedure is to keep the money flowing to ensure that all participants get paid regardless of whether the projects are successful.”

Newsome bristled at “Trump’s naive belief that contracts must be enforced. Other presidents haven’t enforced contracts. President Obama granted California wide leeway when it came to budgets and delivery dates. All of the agreed upon budgets ran over. None of the agreed upon deadlines were met. Yet, the federal money kept flowing. This created an expectation that California need not fulfill its obligations in order to receive the federal money. Breaching our expectation breaks long-standing traditions in how federal aid is handled.”

Teachers Assail Bill Banning Political Indoctrination

Proposed legislation establishing a code of ethics for public school teachers in Maine has some teachers in an uproar. The bill (LD-589) was introduced by Rep. Larry Lockman (R-Amherst). The provision causing the uproar prohibits teachers from engaging in political advocacy and requires that materials from both sides of controversial topics be made available to students.

Lockman maintains that “teachers have an obligation not to abuse their captive audiences by indoctrinating them into supporting a politically slanted point of view. They should be teaching students how to find information, how to weigh competing opinions, and how to respectfully debate those they disagree with. My bill serves as a reminder of the genuine obligations of the true educator.”

Matthew Drewette-Card, the vice president of the Maine Association of Supervision and Curriculum Development, submitted testimony asserting that “the bill would abridge teachers’ rights. Advocating for the correct way of thinking and the rejection of incorrect thought is the very essence of education. A lot of progress has been made over the past few decades in guiding children toward the appropriate attitudes and choices for a moral society. The millennials’ acceptance of socialism and wealth redistribution are evidence of the importance of preserving these teachers’ rights.”

Meanwhile, in Illinois, the state legislature is considering a bill that requires every public middle and high school to supply tampons and sanitary napkins for free in every boys’ restroom. State Rep. Linda Chapa LaVia (D-Aurora) explained that “the old ways of determining one’s sex have been superseded by the realization that gender is a social construct. Just because a person has a vagina doesn’t mean that person is female. If that person identifies as male, school’s need to supply hygiene products so he can cope with emergencies due to his non-conforming genitalia.”

University Bans YAF

Students attempting to register a chapter of Young Americans for Freedom (YAF) at Syracuse University were rebuffed for “unacceptable values.” One of the requirements for those wanting to join YAF is allegiance to the US Constitution.

David Sargalski, director of the Office of Student Activities, pointed out that “some of our students don’t have any allegiance to the US Constitution. Requiring that a person must revere the Constitution in order to be a member of this right-wing organization is unfair. On top of this, the name of the organization includes the words ‘for freedom.’ This improperly excludes students who are against freedom. This violates the University’s nondiscrimination policies.”

Justine Murray, the YAF group’s president characterized the University’s position as “Orwellian. Democrats, Republicans, and Socialists all have been allowed to register. All of these groups have from time to time mentioned the US Constitution during their political advocacy activities. Why is a definitively pro-constitution organization like YAF disallowed?”

“I think Ms. Murray has pointed out the difference herself,” Sargalski observed. “None of the organizations she cited take a position explicitly endorsing the Constitution. All are flexible in their opinions regarding the document. All are less doctrinaire regarding freedom. Any student can be more comfortable in joining these organizations without having to commit to the controversial values espoused by YAF.”

NC Judge Voids Amendments

Wake County Superior Court Judge G. Bryan Collins invalidated a state constitutional amendment requiring voters to show photo IDs at the polls. He also tossed an amendment placing a cap on the state’s income tax. Though the amendments were both passed handily by voters, Collins ruled that because the legislature is so gerrymandered it had no authority to place them on the ballot.

Reactions to the ruling were split. North Carolina GOP Chairman Robin Hayes called the ruling “an absurd usurpation of the voters’ right to govern themselves.” Rev. Dr. T. Anthony Spearman of the NAACP hailed the ruling as “a triumph over racism.”

Interestingly, a report prepared by the National Bureau of Economic Research stated that “voter ID laws have no negative effect on registration or turnout, overall or for any group defined by race, gender, age, or party affiliation.” Unfortunately, Judge Collins also ruled that all copies of this report be seized and destroyed because “it is logical to assume that photo ID requirements do suppress the minority vote. On average minorities are less educated and less energetic. Requiring them to obtain, retain, and show photo IDs at the polls may be asking too much.”

Pelosi Refuses to Release Her Tax Return

Though she is co-sponsoring a bill that would require President Trump and vice-president Pence to release their tax returns, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) says she will not release her own. CNSNews correspondent Emily Ward suggested to her that “since you’ve been saying that as speaker you’re the president’s equal in terms of authority and responsibility. You are also in line behind the Vice-President to become president should anything happen to them. So, wouldn’t releasing your returns set a good example?”

“By law, all tax returns are considered private and confidential,” the speaker replied. “That includes mine. I have no legal or moral obligation to make them public. The legislation I’m sponsoring applies only to the president and vice-president. It doesn’t include anyone else’s tax returns. We’re only seeking to invade the privacy of two out of the 140 million federal income taxpayers. That’s a tiny fraction of the total and shouldn’t be cause for anyone to become alarmed.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Trump’s Border Emergency Called ‘Unlawful’

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Given Congress’ provision of only a small token appropriation of $1.4 billion to fund a mere 55 miles of border barriers, President Trump used his constitutional designation as Commander-in-Chief of the armed forces and statutory authority under the National Emergencies Act of 1976 to declare the continuing invasion of the United States by millions of illegal aliens a “national emergency.” The President announced he will use funds appropriated for national defense to build border barriers.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) and Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) denounced the President’s action as “unlawful. To characterize the migration of millions of future Democratic voters into this country as an invasion is inhumane. These migrants come from poor countries that are unable to provide the kind of social benefits we readily extend to American citizens whose only accomplishment has been to have been born on the north side of the border.”

“We are a wealthy nation and have a moral obligation to share our wealth with those less fortunate,” Pelosi elaborated. “The argument that it is financially impractical for us to do this doesn’t stand up to scrutiny. The average American is overfed and loaded down with excessive material possessions. Our homes are too big. We waste our time and money on frivolous entertainment. We have no moral right to withhold our surplus from a more equitable redistribution.”

Schumer contrasted Trump’s abuse of executive power with former President Obama’s, saying that “while President Obama admittedly went beyond his authority in declaring amnesty and special privileges for dreamers, he did it out of love, not hate. Though there is no explicit language in the Constitution or any statute authorizing his action, the courts decided there should be and upheld what he did. We’re confident that the courts will see the distinction between what these two presidents did and strike down Trump’s evil use of his authority.”

Yet Another Dem Assails Booming Economy

Rep. Gwen Moore (D-WI) took her opportunity to speak at a House Ways and Means Committee hearing to criticize the rising incomes and increased employment of minorities that has been sparked by Republican policies of less regulation and lower taxes.

“GDP is great, unemployment is at an all-time low, African Americans are doing well, Hispanics are doing well, wages are rising at the fastest pace in ten years, blah, blah, blah,” she admitted. “The beneficiaries are only those who are willing to work. There was no boost in income for those unwilling to work. In fact, the lowered unemployment was largely achieved by luring people to join the workforce. The tremendous loss of what was formerly paid leisure time remains unacknowledged by the GOP.”

Moore held forth the remedy that the Green New Deal will provide “to correct the imbalances created by the Trump economy. By making it explicit that everyone in this country is entitled to a decent living without having to endure the suffering inherent in actually working for a living we will guarantee that both the industrious and the indolent are treated equally under the law.”

California Eyeing Expropriation of Pacific Gas & Electric

Faced with a huge shortfall between revenues and expenditures, Gov. Gavin Newsom (D) is putting together a “Strike Team” to seize the bankrupt PG&E utility.

As Newsom sees it, “expropriation will help reduce the State’s budget deficit. First, upon taking ownership we will repudiate the debts of this corporation and relieve ourselves of the obligation to pay back money lent to the company. Second, we will then breakdown and sell all the assets for cash. Friends tell me that the copper wires that carry electricity to homes and businesses bring a good price in the resale market.”

The Governor said he hopes “to use the funds from the sale of PG&E’s assets to tear down the fencing between California and Mexico and re-install it on our eastern border with Nevada and Arizona to impede the out-migration of citizens fleeing rats, humans defecating in the streets, open drug use and high taxes plaguing our sanctuary state.”

Former Texas Congressman Beto O’Rourke (D) praised Newsom’s plan to reunite California with Mexico and offered to stage a rally for reconquista near the State’s southern border. “I am 100% behind anything that my Mexican supporters want,” he said. “If they want to become American citizens, I’ll support that. If they want to take back California, Texas and other lands stolen from them, I’ll support that. It’s time we right the historical wrongs the United States has done to Mexico and Mexicans.”

In related news, the Denver City Council voted unanimously to legalize defecating in the streets. Mayor Michael Hancock explained “we are trying to make our City a more enticing destination for immigrants coming from countries where taking a dump in the open air is a privilege they’ve long been accustomed to enjoy.”

FBI Plotted Coup Against Trump

Former acting FBI Director Andrew McCabe publicly admitted that his Agency and other national security figures met to consider ways of ousting Trump from office in early 2017. Details of the plot are described in McCabe’s book: The Threat: How the FBI Protects America in the Age of Terror and Trump.

“It was clear to everyone in the room that Trump represented a clear and present danger to national security,” McCabe asserted. “He had no prior government experience. He didn’t work his way up through the political ranks as a governor or senator. He just jumped into the presidential race and horrified us all by unexpectedly winning. All of us who had worked behind the scenes to try to insure his defeat were now at risk.”

“We looked at a lot of options,” McCabe recalled. “Rosenstein offered to wear a wire in hopes that he could goad Trump into a damaging statement. Others pointed out that Trump had been under FBI surveillance since the moment he began his run for the presidency and we heard nothing of substance to discredit him. We looked at the 25th Amendment, but realized we lacked any compromising data on Pence that we could use to pressure him to declare Trump incompetent. All we could agree on was to appoint Mueller as a special counsel to initiate a wide-ranging probe aimed at creating a negative public image for the President.”

CNN’s Chris Cillizza averred that “the attempts to use the 25th Amendment, surveillance, and a smear campaign fueled by leaks from the Mueller investigation strike me as mild compared to what they could’ve done. I mean, the FBI used deadly force to take out the much lesser threats posed to the nation by David Koresh and Randy Weaver. Neither of them seized power or threatened to expose or disrupt the long-term governance of the United States. I think Trump should consider himself lucky to be merely illegally spied upon and vilified.”

Congresswoman Excited to Have Sparked Debate about Jews

Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-Minn) expressed excitement that her anti-Semitic tweets “have sparked a desperately needed discussion and debate over the nefarious Zionist conspiracy to take over the world. Muslims have been fighting to exterminate these vermin ever since Mohammed warned us about them fourteen hundred years ago. I’m glad I can use the platform awarded to me by my election to Congress to reach a wider audience.”

“There are a hundred times as many Muslims as there are Jews,” Omar pointed out. “If we believe in democracy shouldn’t the wishes of the super-majority outweigh the wishes of the tiny minority? Shouldn’t this cancer on humanity be excised as the Prophet advised?”

Fellow Muslim Rep. Rashida Tlaib (D-Mich) expressed her disappointment at “the harsh response to Rep. Omar’s uncensored honesty. She may not have the kind of hard evidence to prove her point that unbelievers demand, but I admire her passion. What I don’t admire is our fellow congressional members violating the immunity from criticism granted her by the Constitution. Unfortunately, there is no remedy under current law that would punish such disrespect. I pray for the day when Sharia is the law of the land and all unbelievers are required to show Muslims the respect that the Quran commands we be given.”

Rep. Gerry Connolly (D-Va) reminded us all that “Ilhan is only a freshman representative. She hasn’t had the proper opportunity to learn the weaselly words a more experienced member of congress would use to communicate prejudicial and defamatory sentiments.”

Dem Presidential Hopeful Claims Ability to See Future

This week, Sen. Kamala Harris (D-Calif) tried to bolster her prospects for nabbing the Democratic nomination for president in the 2020 election by alleging she can see the future. “Back when I was in college in the 1980s I had a glimpse of the future where I saw the rise to fame of Snoop Dogg and Tupac,” she claimed. “This was before anyone, including me, knew who these people were. Then came the 1990s and both shot to the top of the music world.”

“Now I see two paths diverging depending on who is elected our next president,” Harris said. “On one path, Trump is reelected and the airwaves are inundated with cornball country music as far as the ear can hear. On the other path, I am elected and rising new hip hop musicians named the Diddler and Dr. Freezee hit the scene. I urge voters to make a wise choice.”

The Senator credited her marijuana smoking for her extraordinary power to see the future. “Unlike former president and sex offender Bill Clinton, I inhaled,” she pointed out. “The combination of my unique DNA and the chemicals contained in pot, which you can only benefit from if you actually consume them, made me a trans-human mutant with superpowers.”

Meanwhile, rival contender for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination Sen. Cory Booker (D-NJ) forecast a future in which he will outlaw meat consumption if he is elected: “This planet simply cannot sustain people eating meat. When I’m president I will issue an executive order abolishing the consumption of animal flesh anywhere in the world.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Green New Deal: Time Travel to the Past

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

This week the lunatic caucus of the Democratic Party unveiled its touted “Green New Deal” plan to save the planet. Key features of the plan include putting an end to air travel, eliminating meat from the human diet, rebuilding every human structure, ending carbon emissions, getting rid of fossil-fueled automobiles, and providing a guaranteed income for people unwilling to work.

The plan’s primary architect Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) dismissed criticism contending that her plan is impractical by pointing out that “the sacrifices we are calling for are most certainly feasible. Abraham Lincoln never flew on an airplane. Hitler was a vegetarian. There was a time when every human lived in a cave and all food was consumed raw. Walking is a healthier method of travel than riding in automobiles. And ensuring that everyone is provided for will eradicate the last vestiges of wage-slavery.”

Ocasio-Cortez boasted that “the next president of the United States has already signed on as a backer of my plan.” Sen. Kamala Harris (D-Calif) declared herself “a proud co-sponsor of the Green New Deal” and rivals for the Democratic presidential nomination Sen. Cory Booker (NJ), Sen. Elizabeth Warren (Mass), Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand (NY), Obama Administration Sec. of Housing & Urban Development Julián Castro, and former Rep. Beto O’Rourke (Texas) have also endorsed the plan.

Potential contender former New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg, said that he would propose his own “Greenish New Deal,” which he maintains “is a less pie in the sky and more affordable path to the same basic objective. In my plan we simply outlaw gun ownership by the law-abiding portion of the population and allow the criminal elements of society to cull the human herd.”

Planned Parenthood Pushes “Care for All”

Encouraged by the “courageous and visionary leadership of Governors Andrew Cuomo (D-NY) and Ralph Northam (D-Virginia)” Planned Parenthood (PP) announced a major push for similar legislation in every state.

PP spokesperson Adora Slaughter said “decisive action at the state level is needed to counter the possibility that the next Trump appointee to the Supreme Court tips the balance in favor of undesirable revisions or ‘clarifications’ of the 1973 Roe v. Wade ruling. As we saw from Trump’s State of the Union speech, he is not averse to using lurid language denigrating the medically necessary dismemberment of what he called ‘beautiful babies’ in late term abortions. We cannot supinely await the negative political outcome of such an emotional appeal to abridge a woman’s most precious civil right.”

“We are going on the offensive with a multi-million dollar campaign in more than half the states to expand and enhance abortion rights,” Slaughter bragged. “We are grateful that the half-billion in federal aid we receive each year gives us the financial resources to make our liberating message heard throughout the land.”

Meanwhile, Chief Justice John Roberts joined the four liberal members of the Supreme Court to block enforcement of a Louisiana law requiring that abortion clinics have admitting privileges at nearby hospitals.

“Inasmuch as the new law in New York permits non-doctors to perform abortions it isn’t clear that requiring hospital admitting privileges would be practical,” Roberts said. “Further, since Planned Parenthood’s information and lobbying outreach campaign had not yet been launched before the Louisiana law was enacted, their state legislators were denied the opportunity to hear an important opposing message before they hastily acted.”

Don’t Take “Death to America” Personal

Iran’s Ayatollah Ali Khamenei advised “ordinary Americans” to “not take the ‘death to America’ slogan personal. It is aimed at your country’s leaders—Trump, Pompeo, Bolton and the like. They are the ones we demand be killed. Commoners would be judged on a case-by-case basis. As long as they have not committed any crimes against Islamic law, obey their Islamic rulers, and either convert or pay the jizya and feel themselves subdued most will probably survive.”

Khamenei also warned Europeans “to not get too uppity. Just because we do not chant death to France or Germany, for example, doesn’t mean we are pleased with their actions. France, as a case in point, has been unfairly interfering with Muslims rioting in the streets against the depraved behavior of French women walking around looking like whores in revealing clothing, naked faces, arms, and legs and with no male relative chaperon them. Raping these whores, burning their cars, and vandalizing the businesses they frequent are mild consequences compared to the ‘honor killings’ imposed on Muslim women for lesser offenses against the Prophet’s commands.”

Trump Blamed for Virginia Dems’ Blackface Scandal

What started out as an attempt to divert attention from Virginia Gov. Ralph Northam’s casual endorsement of infanticide during a radio show by hyping the discovery of a photo of a person in black face make-up standing next to another person wearing a Ku Klux Klan hood, mask and cloak in Eastern Virginia Medical School’s 1984 yearbook has turned into a scandal exposing top Democrats in the state.

At first, Northam tried apologizing, but once he realized that the person in blackface was not him, he denied being either person in the photo and said he didn’t know how the picture got into the yearbook. William Elwood who was a page designer for the yearbook explained that “each student submitted a sealed envelope of photos and other materials intended to appear on his page. At no time since 1984 did Dr. Northam complain about what was on his page.”

After several prominent Virginia Democrats called for Northam’s resignation news emerged that Leiutenant-Governor Justin Fairfax (D), who would succeed him, has been accused of sexually assaulting two women—one at Duke University in 2000 and one at the 2004 Democratic National Convention, and Attorney-General Mark Herring (D) who initially called for Northam’s resignation and is next in the line of succession after Fairfax, has admitted wearing blackface make-up as a teenager in 1980, but maintained “it was something we all did back in those days. No one was ever hurt in any of the simulated lynchings. We were just having a little fun.”

Rep. Al Green (D-Texas) blames President Trump for this “sorry display of bigotry. He contributed to the vile environment that led these young men astray back in the 1980s. Why, just the other night he bragged that his policies have forced a historically high percentage of Blacks off of unemployment and into the workforce. He’s this era’s Simon Legree and proud of it. This is further proof that that man must be impeached and removed from office.”

Booker to Oppose Trump Judicial Nominee

After a series of obnoxious questions probing the breadth and depth of judicial nominee Neomi Rao’s knowledge of the sexual orientation of those who have worked for her at the Office of Information and Regulatory Affairs, Sen. Cory Booker (D-NJ) pronounced her “unqualified to serve on any court.”

“Her publicly admitted ignorance about the sex lives of those she works with reveals a willful refusal to get involved in the most important aspect of modern life,” Booker asserted. “Her claim to be focused on her employees’ competence and performance at their jobs to the exclusion of taking an interest whether they are gay, bi, transgender, or other strikes me as unacceptably narrow and professional. It’s bad enough that she is already a government employee in a supervisory position. It is inconceivable that she should ever be trusted to be a judge.”

“Ms. Rao’s insistence that other people’s sex lives are none of her business runs counter to the kind of progressive society we’re trying to build in America,” the Senator argued. “Ideally, we should be as openly transparent as dogs are when they meet other dogs. They don’t feign disinterest. They get right down to sniffing each other’s hindquarters. If we were as honest as dogs we’d all admit that this is what we’d like to do ourselves. A person like Rao is clearly feigning disinterest. This type of dishonesty makes her unfit to be a judge.”

Maduro Repels US Interference in Venezuela’s Weight Loss Program
Efforts by the United States to send food to starving Venezuelans were blocked by order of President Nicolas Maduro. “Our policies have enabled our citizens to lose an average of more than 40 lbs. each over the past two years,” he boasted. “We have achieved objectives that the morbidly obese Americans envy and resent.”

“The key is to remove the opportunity to eat,” Maduro explained. “The ’empty stores’ initiative we implemented largely accomplished this goal. It has also had the salutary added benefit of getting our people to eat garbage and keep almost all of the country’s edible waste from going to waste. This has made us more efficient and has helped clean up our environment.”

Opposition leader Juan Guaidó denounced Maduro’s refusal to let the food aid through, saying that “hundreds of thousands are on the verge to starving to death without it. We had hoped that the Army would side with the people and disobey his orders to blockade the food aid, but they have so far sided with Maduro because he lets them murder whoever they want.”

NY Guv Considering Supporting Construction of a Wall

Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D-NY) is reported to be leaning toward supporting the construction of a wall around his state’s borders. “We are facing a major fiscal crisis,” he said. “Our state’s high tax rates have encouraged many of our highest earning residents to move to other states. We may need a wall to impede further attempts to escape paying these taxes.”

Cuomo is said to be impressed by the Berlin Wall’s long period of success in deterring those living in Communist East Germany from escaping to capitalist West Germany in the nearly three decades of its existence following its 1961 construction. Made of basic concrete blocks, bolstered with razor wire and manned by well-armed guards, it prevented nearly 100 percent of those trying to leave from succeeding.
NY State Assembly Speaker Carl Heastie (D-Bronx) said he shares the Governor’s concerns, but wondered if a wall, per se was the best approach. “If we build a wall wouldn’t that undermine our Party’s objection to Trump’s wall on the Mexican border?” Heastie wondered. “Wouldn’t pre-dawn raids on the homes of residents suspected of planning to flee be more effective? The element of surprise and the sense of terror such raids would instill strikes me as a more flexible option than a static wall. Besides, while we’re there we could just seize whatever money or other items of value might be lying around.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Decline in Shark Attacks Assailed

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

The latest report from the International Shark Attack File indicates that shark attacks on humans in 2018 declined by more than 20 percent from 2017 figures. Director of the Florida Museum of Natural History’s shark research program Gavin Naylor called the decrease “unusual. It may be because there are fewer sharks or maybe humans are being more cautious.”

US Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) cited the decrease as “frightening evidence of the devastating impact of unchecked climate change. Warming waters are making sharks more lethargic and less capable of fulfilling their role as apex predators atop the food chain. Unless we eliminate fossil-based fuels this baleful trend will likely continue to disrupt the environmental balance.”

Delegate Kathy Tran (D-Springfield), author of a bill that would legalize post-birth abortions in the State of Virginia, apologized for overlooking the human threat to sharks in her companion bill to protect canker worms and gypsy moths from human efforts to exterminate them. “Just because these creatures destroy forests doesn’t give us the right to practice genocide against them,” Tran asserted. “Sharks do even less damage. Some would even argue that their consumption of humans is beneficial to the environment.”

Tran promised to rework her bill to be “more inclusive in the protections offered to species whose only offense is disrespecting human preferences. For example, we have been waging decades of unlimited antibiotic warfare against bacteria in a callous disregard of their right to life. Well, now they will have a champion in me.”

In related news, Gov. Ralph Northam (D-Va) explained his support for Tran’s post-birth abortion bill, saying that “given the extreme stress put on the environment by human habitation it is imperative that we seize every opportunity to cull the human herd. Allowing mothers to terminate their own children strikes me as an appropriately humane way of both accomplishing this vital objective and securing the female vote for the Democratic Party’s candidates.” Northam’s perspective may have been inspired by Planned Parenthood Virginia PAC’s contribution of $2 million to aid his election in 2017.

Mexico Declares End to Drug War

Mexican President Andrés Manuel López Obrador announced that his government will cease all operations against the drug cartels that essentially rule the border area south of the United States. The president justified this change in policy as pragmatism. “We are not endorsing the reign of terror carried out by these criminals,” he said. “Our hope is to mitigate it by adopting a more realistic perspective.”

“Since we lack the power to win this war it makes more sense to try to reach an accommodation,” the President maintained. “Once the cartels are persuaded that the government will not interfere with their business operations it is hoped that their perceived need to murder government officials will wane.”

“A more positive view of the cartels acknowledges the injection of cash into the Mexican economy resulting from their export of drugs and humans to El Norte,” López suggested. “These high-profit margin businesses put little strain on Mexico’s resources. In this respect, they are ‘cash cows’ bringing more wealth into the country. Rather than futilely trying to suppress these businesses it makes more economic sense to encourage the favorable balance of trade they generate.”

US House of Representatives Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) hailed “the refreshing realism of President López” and contrasted it with “the foolishly stubborn opposition to this commerce by President Trump. Millions of Americans depend on the opiates these Mexican businesses produce and ship into this country. Without these drugs they would have to endure the pain of the Trump Administration in a fully conscious state. This is why I will never approve the kind of barrier to cross-border commerce that Trump demands.”

To emphasize the compassion behind her stance, Pelosi pointed out that “in San Francisco there are now more drug addicts than there are high school students. Policies that would interdict the flow of drugs to this growing cohort of the community are fundamentally undemocratic. As their elected representative, it is my solemn obligation to fight for their interests.”

California Restaurant Bars MAGA Hats

The Wursthall restaurant in San Mateo has declared that henceforth it will no longer serve customers who wear the infamous Trump “Make America Great Again” hats.

“These hats don’t reflect our values,” co-owner J. Kenji Lopez-Alt fulminated. “They conflict with the graceful adjustment to average status that President Obama tried to instill in our nation’s population. The sentiment expressed by those wearing the hats is that America should strive to be greater than other countries. This selfish chauvinism rejects the placid adaptation to mediocrity that is key to world peace.”

Lopez-Alt also sees a frightening parallel with Nazism in the hats. “Hitler deluded the German people with a similar promise to make Germany great again,” he argued. “We all saw how that turned out. We need to learn from history, not repeat it. A small step toward avoiding a repetition of the horrors visited on Europe and the world by Hitler is by ostracizing Trump supporters from public spaces. Our ban is part of this process.”

Warren Apologizes to Cherokees

Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) sought to undo some early damage to her 2020 presidential bid by writing a fundraising letter apologizing to the Cherokee Nation “for my years of attempting to characterize myself as a member of your tribe.” In her defense she claimed to have “enjoyed dressing up as an Indian as a child” and contrasted that with “my peers who all sided with the white invaders and US Cavalry.”

“I know that DNA-wise, I didn’t score especially high as an Indian, but since the Cherokees don’t regard DNA as the determining factor in tribal membership I don’t really see why my self identification was out of line,” she mused. “Haven’t we all accepted the idea that a person can identify with any gender they want? Why can’t we accept that I was a harbinger of this liberating meme when I identified as a Cherokee?”

The final paragraph of her letter warned that “I’m probably the closest any Cherokee will ever get to being elected president of the United States. After all, I’m the closest to a Cherokee Senator that your tribe will ever see. Let’s bury the hatchet and make common cause against the whites by getting me into the White House.”

Veep Scares Satan Worshippers

Lucien Greaves, co-founder and chief spokesperson for The Satanic Temple, expressed fear that Republican Vice-President Mike Pence’s religious views unfairly favor good over evil. “Under our Constitution all religious views are protected from discriminatory laws and policies,” Greaves asserted. “Yet, we see the Vice-President of the United States repeatedly speaking out against evil, which is the core tenet of our faith.”

“Worse, antipathy to our faith receives routine support from the brainwashed majority of Americans,” Greaves complained. “We are a minority in need of the protections from the hostility of the majority. We are pleased that the New York State legislature recognized a woman’s legal right to sacrifice her child at the point of birth. But this fulfillment of our faith’s most sacred rite is in danger of being overturned by the majority opposed to our unpopular beliefs. While we are confident that Democrats in Congress will prevent this, we are less confident that a Supreme Court packed with Trump appointees will. They may seek to restore the limits on third-trimester abortions included in the Roe v. Wade decision.”

A ray of hope was provided by House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s (D-Calif) vow that “Mr. Greaves can count on Democrats to continue to do the Lord’s work. The people have rejected the straight-jacket that Pence and those like him want to impose to restrict their freedom to live by whatever values they choose for themselves. Government must not be used to favor good over evil against the will of the voters.”

Trump Economy “Distortion” Bewailed

According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, the biggest gains in wages under the Trump Administration’s policies have been in private-sector employment, especially blue-collar workers. Last year, pay in the private sector rose 3% on average, but only 2.5% for white-collar management and professional employees. Gains were up by 4.2% for salespersons, 3.7% for production workers, 3.4% for transportation and utilities workers, and 4.1% for leisure and hospitality workers.

Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) contended that “this inequitable distortion from long-term trends rewarding college graduates is another black mark against the Trump regime. A society that fails to grant adequate compensation for earning a college degree encourages young people to eschew advanced education and settle for jobs where they will be forced to perform useful services if they expect to get a decent wage.”

“Policies that reward deplorables at the expense of the educated classes are skewed toward benefiting those shown to support Trump in high percentages,” Schumer lamented. “Meanwhile, the educated classes that staff the nonessential government agencies were forced into a paid vacation by the Trump government shutdown. The anxiety these dedicated employees had to suffer while on furlough was not adequately compensated by giving them back pay for the time they weren’t working. This is but another item in the list of those crying out for the impeachment of the most disruptive individual to ever serve as president.”

In related news, returning formally furloughed feds are reputedly suffering from paralyzing low morale. The contrast of not doing any work while they were at home vs. their more customary not doing any work at the office has induced a widespread sense of confusion and alienation. Said one, “you get used to hanging out at the office with your buds, surfing the Internet, taking long lunches, and going home early. It had its own rhythm. At home there was no structure. I could laze around all day, but had no comrades at hand to share it with. Life will never be the same.”

Latino Group Sues Texas

A recent audit discovered that nearly 100,000 non-citizens are registered to vote in the State of Texas. In an attempt to forestall the State from purging the voter rolls of these ineligible voters, the League of United Latin American Citizens (LULAC) has filed suit.

“The voters to be purged may not be citizens of the United States, but they are citizens somewhere in the world and residents of Texas,” LULAC attorney Luis Vera observed. “They have a human right to participate in selecting those who govern them. Disenfranchising them, as the Texas authorities intend to do, diminishes them as human beings.”

Vera castigated what he characterized as “racism pure and simple. Allowing whites to rule over Latinos just because they were born into American citizenship is manifestly unfair.”

Kasich Purloins Comedian’s Airline Seat

Former Ohio governor John Kasich (R) thwarted Alaska Airlines’ efforts to reassign him to another seat by seizing the first class seat purchased by comedian Julie Klausner. Kasich was liable for seat reassignment because he had paid the lowest price.

Kasich defended his actions by asserting his entitlement “as a more important passenger. I think a former state governor, presidential candidate and newly hired CNN commentator has priority over a mere comedian. I made laws. I challenged Trump. I will be guiding CNN viewers toward the correct opinions and attitudes about public policy for the next few years. All Klausner has done and will do is tell a few jokes to a much smaller audience.”

Klausner called her run in with Kasich “a potential goldmine of material for my future gigs. Many politicians are a-holes, but they usually don’t display it so crassly in public. Given his boasted personal connections with the US Postal Service, I am a bit surprised he didn’t have himself mailed to San Francisco. That would’ve saved him even more money.”

Tax on Cisgendered Whites Proposed

Left-wing firebrand Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) is proposing a new tax on poor whites who identify with the sex they were born with. The funds raised would be devoted to aiding non-white transgenders who, according to the Congresswoman, are denied similar privileges.

“I was recently reminded that as a female who identifies as female I am cisgendered,” she admitted. “As such I enjoy privilege that others don’t have. To atone for my transgression I’ve decided to sponsor a bill that would levy a tax on the most privileged cisgenders in our society—poor whites.”

“The money raised could be used to fund gender reassignment surgeries, lawsuits against persons who neglect to use the preferred pronouns when speaking to or referring to transgenders, wardrobe expansions for individuals who are fluid-gendered and any other expense that may arise from being non-privileged,” the Congresswoman said.

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

CNN Reporters’ Latest Delusions

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

CNN’s chief White House correspondent Jim Acosta says he is writing a book about his sufferings under the evil Trump regime.

“The gist of the story follows my heroic efforts to bring the truth to the American people despite the personal cost and risk to myself,” Costa said. “I have been crucified for daring to speak truth to power. My press pass was temporarily suspended causing me great anxiety. But on the third day I arose again to continue my crusade against the oppression by our nation’s so-called president.”

The CNN blowhard called his forthcoming book “a story for the ages. It will transform how people think about life, government, and most importantly, me. It will stand head-and-shoulders above the writings of lesser messiahs like Hillary Clinton and James Comey.”

Meanwhile, CNN host Don Lemon cited “the fact that people still feel free to wear Trump’s ‘Make America Great Again’ hats continues to divide our nation. These hats make many people uncomfortable and may incite them into a hostile mood or violent response like the one we saw from the Black Israelites whose indecent language provoked Nathan Phillips’ attempt to calm the situation by confronting the Covington teens on the Capitol Mall.”

“What this country needs is some sort of reeducation system to prevent individuals or groups from engaging in behaviors that might trigger others,” Lemon advised. “It is my understanding the Soviet Union and China have had great success in interdicting the expression of anti-progressive views by preemptively sending those suspected of holding such views to re-education camps. I think it’s an idea we should look into for deterring the type of events perpetrated by the Covington teens.”

Warren Moves Left of Ocasio-Cortez

Nervous that her presidential candidacy might not be sufficiently radical, Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) sought to out bid rising Democratic star New York Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s proposed 70% income tax with her own 50% tax on total wealth.

“While her proposed 70% income tax is a worthy effort for a rookie member of congress, it overlooks the much larger stash of accumulated wealth just lying around for the taking,” Warren pointed out. “Immoral billionaires can always shift their income-earning activity outside the taxing jurisdiction. But their assets—homes, business facilities, heavy equipment and the like are less mobile and easier to confiscate.”

“Those more familiar with the history of progressive transformations carried out in Russia, China, Cuba see how effective those radical governments were by seizing control over the ‘geese that laid the golden eggs’ of capitalistic wealth creation. Under my proposal for example, the government would be immediately authorized to take half of Trump’s properties away from him. Given that Trump’s business is a global corporation it’s not inconceivable that the half we take could leave him homeless within the United States and force him to leave the country, if he’s not in jail after we get him out of the White House.”

The urgency of the Democrats’ quest to oust Trump was reemphasized by the continually falling rate of unemployment. This week the Department of Labor announced statistics showing that weekly jobless claims have fallen to their lowest mark since 1969—an event that Warren claims “makes it even more imperative that we hasten his departure by whatever means we can. Enacting my 50% tax can only accelerate this objective.”

NY Enacts Radical Abortion Legislation

In a bid to avert a potential future Supreme Court ruling that might temporarily interrupt the carnage, the New York State Senate bowed to the extortion of Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D) and passed the nation’s most radical pro-abortion legislation. Under this new law, abortions would be permitted up until the moment of birth and failed procedures resulting in live births could be corrected via after birth termination of the unwanted children.

State Senate Majority Leader Andrea Stewart-Cousins (D-Yonkers) hailed the legislation for “averting the potential tragedy of forcing even one woman to give birth to a child she does not want. The trauma of being forced to be a mother is something we must guard against. The anti-abortion argument against aborting viable children on the premise that others willing to adopt the child negates the need to terminate his or her life ignores the psychological toll this takes on the unwilling birth mother.”

In addition to cheers in the Senate after the bill passed 38-24, Cuomo ordered that the One World Trade Center’s 408-foot spire “be lit up with pink light in celebration of this historic victory for progressive values. Pink is in honor of the brave individuals, 100% of whom are women, who have chosen to end the lives of their own children, and the 50% of the victims who are also female. The light ceremony acknowledges that the world will be a better place because of their sacrifice.”

Meanwhile, to mark the 46th anniversary of the landmark Roe v. Wade decision, Illinois Gov. JB Pritzker (D) signed an executive order he claimed “will give Illinois the most progressive abortion-rights law in America. My only regret is that the 50% of aborted infants who are female will never grow up to enjoy this greatest of all civil rights.”

Ocasio-Cortez Determined to Eliminate Billionaires

Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) continues her assault on the immorality of allowing billionaires to exist. “Most of the people in the world today and throughout human history have been poor,” she pointed out. “Subsistence living is the normal condition for all of God’s creatures. The Pope recognizes this. Ecological science recognizes this. Billionaires are unnatural and environmentally dangerous.”

“The argument that the opportunity to make billions is a spur to the innovations that have made life for most Americans relatively luxurious has never tempted me to consider compromising with the greed that this engenders,” the Congresswoman said. “I have always believed that the best things in life are free. That’s why I’m pushing so hard for free health care, free education, free rent—basically, free everything.”

“Think about how relieving everyone of the need to worry about having the money to buy things will improve the world,” she continued. “No one would be forced to work if they didn’t want to. Say goodbye to the morning alarm clock rousting you out of bed. Say goodbye to the commuter rat race. Say goodbye to the tyrannical boss who confiscates your leisure time. This is what the majority of voters want. This is why socialism will sweep aside all nonbelievers.”

“Even if the naysayers’ are right and the economy collapses, the planet will benefit,” Ocasio-Cortez added. “If America’s 300 million population is winnowed down to 300 thousand global warming will no longer be a threat. Habitat for wildlife will expand. Humans could resume their natural niche in the struggle for survival. Technology will no longer warp the way our species lives. Would this not be the Garden of Eden?”

NFL Commissioner Suggests Superbowl Compromise

Following last week’s egregious non-call of obvious pass interference by a Los Angeles Rams player against a New Orleans Saints receiver, attorney Frank D’Amico, Jr. filed a lawsuit calling for NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell to use his powers under Rule 17 to reverse the outcome of the game that the Rams eventually won in overtime or schedule a replay of the last two minutes after a pass interference penalty is imposed on the Rams.

Goodell is reported to be disinclined to take the action demanded in the suit because “bad officiating has been part of football since the sport was invented. In the old days good sportsmanship from the offending team would often lead to a bad call, or non-call as was the case in the Rams/Saints game, being corrected. Nowadays too much money is at stake for us to expect good sportsmanship to save the day.”

As a compromise, Goodell offered “to allow both the Rams and the Saints to share the NFC title and to take turns by halves or quarters in the Superbowl game vs. the Patriots. This will expand the number of fans with a direct interest in the outcome and boost purchases of NFL team gear making this sharing arrangement a ‘win-win’ outcome on the most critical value we all share—making more money.”

Patriots’ coach Bill Belichick complained that “this so-called compromise doesn’t look good from where I’m sitting. The boost in gear sales will go entirely to the Rams and Saints. And while we wouldn’t be playing against two teams simultaneously our dual opponents would be fresher and less fatigued by the time that we reach the crucial fourth quarter. Rectifying the raw deal meted out to the Saints as the Commissioner proposes would simply shift the raw deal onto us. I could only agree to this compromise if we are given full control over inflating all the game balls to be used in this extraordinary game.”

Dems in House to Swap out Terror Subcommittee

Now that the Democrats have a majority in the House of Representatives, House Foreign Affairs Committee Chairman Eliot Engel (D-NY) has announced plans to get rid of the subcommittee on terrorism and replace it with a subcommittee that will focus on President Trump’s business interests.

“After discussions with Party leadership and the media, I have reached the conclusion that Trump represents a far greater danger to this country than Islamic terrorism,” Engel concluded. “At worst, terrorists may murder and/or maim thousands of Americans, but they can never take control of our government. Trump, on the other hand, has, with the connivance of the Russians, already taken control of the Executive Branch where he is deploying considerable power to thwart the progressive transformation initiated by President Obama. So, Trump is clearly the bigger threat.”

“Further, since the Special Counsel investigation hasn’t yet come up with anything that can justify impeaching Trump, I feel that opening a second front to probe his business activities may be our best hope,” the Congressman suggested. “First, the very fact that he is an admitted self-made billionaire raises the question: who did he take the billions from? Second, polls show that a majority of voters hate billionaires and wouldn’t be opposed to confiscating their ill-gotten profits. My new subcommittee will be exploring the potential for achieving these important objectives. Besides, hasn’t Trump boasted he’s defeated ISIS? Doesn’t that tell us that a subcommittee devoted to dealing with terrorism is now obsolete?”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Trump Reversal of Obama School Discipline Policy Harms Minorities

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

The Trump Administration’s intention to eliminate the “racially balanced” regulations promulgated by former President Obama’s “Dear Colleague Letter” was condemned by former Obama Administration Sec. of Education Arne Duncan who called it harmful to minorities.

“The whole point of President Obama’s approach was to equalize the stigma of school disciplinary actions so that each racial grouping was proportionately represented in the punishments meted out,” Duncan said. “The previous policy articulated by former Reagan Administration official Clarence Thomas in 1981 merely directed that whatever disciplinary procedures a school had must be applied without racial bias. This led to minorities being disproportionately represented among the rolls of those serving detentions, getting suspensions, and being turned over to law enforcement.”

“The role of the public school system is to help prepare youngsters for future careers,” Duncan asserted. “Since many of minority youth are likely to embark on careers in crime the disproportionate discipline impedes these students’ acquisition of the skills needed for these career choices. Robbing other students, intimidating them, vandalizing property, and defying authority are activities that will nurture the kind of abilities that the aspiring criminal will find useful if he or she is to succeed in his or her chosen line of crime.”

Trump Administration Sec. of Education Betsy DeVos thanked Duncan “for clarifying the need to undo the Obama policy. Crime is a career choice that victimizes law-abiding members of society. Students demonstrating an aptitude for this kind of behavior need to be impeded from this career path. Not only will such impediments help protect their non-criminal fellow students and non-criminal future victims, it will also switch some of the teen-aged miscreants onto a more socially productive track—sparing them from lives ruined by lengthy stretches in prison or worse.”

Pelosi Defends Putting Ilhan Omar on Committee

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) defended placing Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-Minn) on the House Foreign Affairs Committee despite her anti-Semitic and anti-Israel views, calling it “a small step toward achieving a balanced perspective. You know, we have several Jews already on the Committee. Bringing aboard a Muslim who is not afraid to speak out against the Jewish drive toward world domination fills a vacuum that needed filling.”

Pelosi admitted that “for years the Democratic Party has been hypnotized by Jewish propaganda. Given the very small population of Jews in America and the world compared to the rapidly growing number of those holding opposing points of view, it makes sense for our Party to revise its alliances. Islam is, to quote Osama bin Laden, ‘the stronger horse.’ A wise man logically prefers the stronger horse. In the not too distant future, Muslims will likely make up a majority in this country. Democrats want to be sure this stronger horse is on our side.”

Omar expressed appreciation for “the first small step toward righteousness taken by Speaker Pelosi. The next step is to get the Jews off the Committee as soon as possible. If we want the House to stand we cannot allow these termites to continue to eat away the structure.”

Meanwhile, in Saudi Arabia the Grand Mosque in Mecca has been infested with huge swarms of locusts. Rep. Omar immediately blamed “the Jews. They did this once before to Egypt in a show of ingratitude for the jobs the Pharoah had provided for them in his public works program. Well, Muslims aren’t as weak as Ramses was. If Jews continue to reject the blessings of conversion to Islam they will be exterminated as the Quran commands us to do.”

University Takes Stand Against Basing Grades on Quality

American University is hosting a seminar for its faculty to teach them a new way of grading students without relying too heavily on the quality of their work. The seminar will be taught by University of Washington–Tacoma professor Dr. Asao Inoue.

“Grading papers based on their quality imposes ‘white’ standards that are insensitive to alternate ways of thinking and communicating,” Inoue explained. “Just because a student’s writing seems incoherent and ungrammatical to a white professor doesn’t mean he should give it a bad grade. President Trump often makes grammatical mistakes. Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) is often incoherent. These deficiencies in our nation’s highest-ranking members of government suggest that writing and speaking competency aren’t as important as we previously have thought.”

As an alternative to assessing quality Inoue recommends “using quantity and effort as the foundation for handing out grades. Counting the number of words, or intended words in the case of non-words appearing in a student’s writing, is a more objective measure. Similarly, a student whose vocalized attempts at communication are garbled and indecipherable probably had to exert great effort to complete a writing assignment, especially if more than a few paragraphs are attempted. This kind of effort should be rewarded with a higher grade.”

Dems Reject Invitation to Working Lunch Meeting

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) and Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer rejected an invitation from President Trump to participate in a lunch meeting that would discuss a possible compromise to partially fund a border barrier and reopen the federal government.

“We saw the fast food spread he bought for the college football champions,” Schumer pointed out. “If he treats star athletes like that I shudder to think what he’d have on the menu for us. He likes football. He hates us. There’s no way I’d go without seeing a menu first.”

Pelosi was even harsher in her assessment of the President’s offer. “Burgers and pizza are no substitute for our lobster and liquor junket that the President canceled at the last minute,” she complained. “We are important people. We are entitled to a lunch befitting our status as co-rulers of this country.”

Aside from their displeasure with the prospect of “being asked to settle for food that common ordinary people eat,” both Schumer and Pelosi were skeptical about reaching an agreement. “We have already told the President that the only compromise we will accept is total and unconditional surrender,” Pelosi reminded everyone. “President Roosevelt demanded it of the Nazis. Patriotism requires that we use this winning tactic against the gravest threat to the United States since World War II.”

Kasich Gets Gig with CNN

Former Ohio Governor John Kasich (R) has been signed by CNN to be an on air commentator across a variety of the network’s programs.

The ex-governor expressed his hope that he “might leverage a tour as a television star into a successful campaign for the presidency like Trump did, only with more compassion for the lonely and depressed majority of Americans. I think voters will respond favorably to my belief that ‘everyone needs to be hugged.’ It will be a welcome change from Trump’s ‘everyone needs to be slugged.’”

Kasich said he was “especially proud to be named a señor commentator. I take it as recognition and appreciation of my open border stance. ‘Señor’ sounds so much friendlier than ‘mister.’ I look forward to a future where every man is a señor and every woman a señorita. Golly, I’m already speaking Spanish. If this doesn’t prove there is no border crisis I don’t know what would.”

Ohr Rats Out DOJ & FBI Brass

Despite the FBI’s alibi alleging that the top DOJ officials who signed the application to the FISA Court for permission to spy on the Trump campaign believed that the Steele Dossier was legitimate intelligence, it now appears that this is yet another lie emerging from the once highly regarded Agency.

It turns out that former Associate Deputy Attorney General Bruce Ohr testified in Congress last August that he had fully briefed top level FBI and Justice Department officials—including the FBI’s then-Deputy Director Andy McCabe, lawyer Lisa Page, FBI lead investigator Peter Strzok (who worked with then FBI Director James Comey to conceal and minimize Hillary Clinton’s violation of national security laws and regulations), Deputy Assistant Attorney General Bruce Swartz, lawyer Zainab Ahmad and fraud unit head Andrew Weissman. Ahmad and Weissman now work for special counsel Robert Mueller.

Ohr’s briefings during the summer of 2016—before the first FISA application was filed—informed these people that the Steele Dossier had not been verified, that Steele was highly biased against Trump, and that the dossier had been ordered and paid for by the Hillary Clinton for president campaign.

To this day, fired FBI director James Comey professes no memory of any briefings on any topics during his four year tenure as the head of the Agency. “It pains me to have to attest to my unbelievably poor recall of events that I presumably would’ve been aware of as Director,” he admitted. “But what can you do? We are who we are, warts and all. Nevertheless, important people in the government and media continually praise my probity and swear I can be trusted. These same important people do not have as high an opinion of Trump.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.

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