Biden Predicts ‘Landslide’ Win

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

During a virtual town hall meeting emceed by comedian Don Cheadle, former Vice-President Joe Biden predicted he would “beat Trump by the largest margin in American history.” He says he reached this conclusion “via an analysis of trends. Back in 2016 Secretary Clinton pointed out that half of Trump’s supporters are deplorables. My current estimate is that 10% to 15% of Americans are just not very good people. To my mind, this shows that, at best, Trump might get 20% to 30% of the vote. That would make him the biggest loser in our presidential election history.”

Signs that Biden believes will sweep him to victory include “Trump’s mistaken belief that law and order is a winning issue. The American people are sick and tired of law and order. Trump’s assertion that George Floyd would have disapproved of the efforts to correct the unequal distribution of property that Trump calls looting is despicable. He doesn’t know how blacks think like I do.”

I am the candidate that will lead us to a post-law and order society,” the nominee insisted. “Voters will recognize this and cast their ballots accordingly. It’s not a question of whether I will beat Trump. The only question is when.”

In related news, Julian Castro, a former rival of Biden’s for the Democratic presidential nomination, has finally endorsed Biden. “The tipping point was Joe’s endorsement of the ad hoc wealth redistribution going on right now in our nation’s major cities,” Castro said. “This validates his progressive outlook.” Biden expressed his elation at getting the endorsement, saying “I have always admired the way Castro stood up to the American imperialism that sought to crush the Cuban revolution. It’s great to have him on my side.”

Economic Rebound Shocks Dems

According to the Department of Labor’s May report on employment, non-farm payrolls rose by 2.5 million and the unemployment rate fell to 13.3%—the biggest positive shift in more than 80 years. This confounded a Wall Street Journal prediction that these payrolls would decline by 8.3 million and unemployment would rise to 19.5%–the highest since the Great Depression.

President Trump hailed the jobs numbers and said “the great enterprise of American business owners and workers is the key driving factor. As the lockdowns are being eased, the boom stimulated by the tax cuts and deregulation we implemented earlier in my term is resuming. I’m confident that we’ll go back to having the greatest economy anywhere in the world.”

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) pooh-poohed the jobs report, pointing out that “13% unemployment is nothing to cheer about.” Democratic National Committee Chairman Tom Perez boasted that “this is the largest unemployment crisis since the Great Depression and it happened on Trump’s watch. Voters will punish him for that.”

Democrat presidential nominee, former Vice-President Joe Biden denied that Trump deserves any credit for the rebound, saying “Trump neglects to mention that it was largely Democrat governors and mayors who enforced the economy-strangling lockdowns that laid the foundation for the sharp recovery. Without the losses inflicted by the shuttering of nonessential businesses and jobs, there would not have been an opportunity for a vigorous bounce. On top of this, Trump is overlooking the massive stimulus from the need to rebuild the cities destroyed by arson and looting. These cities are all governed by Democrats. The role of our Party in the events making this possible should not be forgotten.”

Minneapolis May Disband Police Force

Members of the Minneapolis City Council are discussing a plan to disband the City’s police force. Jeremiah Ellison, 5th Ward council member and son of Minnesota Attorney General Keith Ellison, argues that “a dispassionate analysis leads to only one logical conclusion. Consider, if there were no police force, George Floyd would still be alive. Clearly, the most direct remedial measure we can take, then, is to abolish the agency that nurtured the racist cops who killed Mr. Floyd.”

Council president Lisa Bender backed Ellison’s thinking and vowed “we are going to dismantle the Minneapolis Police Department and replace it with a transformative new model of public safety. I have learned from our local congressperson Rep. Ilhan Omar (D) that in her home country of Somalia neighborhoods are policed by a sharia patrol. I think something similar can be tried out here. In Muslim neighborhoods a sharia patrol would be a perfect fit. In African-American neighborhoods a Black Lives Matter patrol seems appropriate.”

Brian Fallon, director of “Demand Justice” and a former spokesman for Hillary Clinton and Eric Holder, called for “a nationwide movement to de-fund police departments. The benefits shouldn’t be limited to just Minneapolis. Every city needs to do this.”

Meanwhile, New York City’s Comptroller Scott Stringer took a more moderate approach and advised Mayor Bill de Blasio to “merely” cut $1.1 billion from the City’s budget for the police Department. “By selectively cutting police activities in minority neighborhoods we can drastically reduce the toll that police brutality takes on people of color,” Stringer contends. “Freed from the oppressive presence of police, these neighborhood will be able to flourish as never before.”

Some Highlights from the Riots

Washington, D.C.

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) issued a joint statement condemning President Trump’s determination to restore law and order, saying “we all know that ‘law and order’ is a code phrase justifying oppression of African-Americans, and that, as Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif) has pointed out, ‘rioting’ is a pejorative term used to malign property redistribution when done by people of color. We call upon the President and law-enforcement officers to stand down and let the rough justice undertaken in the streets take its course and peter out. The President’s insistence on imposing ‘white justice’ on non-white Americans is a manifestation of the worst of our country’s systemic racism.” Schumer and Pelosi’s position, however, is contradicted by the latest Rasmussen poll showing black approval of Trump has soared to 40%.

DC Mayor Muriel Bowser (D) criticized “the unwelcoming presence of fencing around the White House,” saying that “this is the people’s house. They ought to have the right to enter it whenever they please.” She went on to contrast “President Trump’s fear with the gracious hospitality offered by President Andrew Jackson. When he was president anyone and everyone was invited to treat the place as their own.”

Black Lives Matter and the American Civil Liberties Union have filed a suit against President Trump, alleging that BLM’s First Amendment rights were violated when peaceful protesters were forced out of Lafayette Square. ACLU spokesman Bertram Petty characterized the offense “as the most egregious example yet of the sort of dictatorship that Trump is trying to impose on this country.” However, under media questioning, Petty admitted “that some bricks and bottles may have been thrown at those guarding the White House” and said he was “not authorized to admit or deny that some BLM members on the scene may or may not have set fire to the St. John’s church,” but insisted that “nowhere in the First Amendment does it explicitly say such actions are prohibited.”

Outside the Indian Embassy in Washington DC, Mahatma Gandhi’s statue was desecrated by unruly elements of Black Lives Matter. Ironically, though Ghandi was a person-of-color, this most famous advocate and practitioner of non-violet protest, was derided by a BLM spokesman as “just some bald dude in a diaper.”

Minneapolis

Democratic Mayor Jacob Frey is preparing a request for a $55 million bailout of his city. Acknowledging that “mistakes may have been made that led to the unnecessary death of George Floyd and the swath of destruction that followed,” but insisted that “now is not the time for recriminations. President Trump could have sent in troops to help limit the rioting that caused the damage, but he foolishly refused to ignore my objections. So now it is time for all Americans to pay their fair share of the cost to rebuild Minneapolis.”

Chicago

Mayor Lori Lightfoot is begging major retailers whose places of business were vandalized, looted, and burned to “not abandon the City just because some of our residents jumped the gun on the redistribution of wealth. Residents need the services you provide. Don’t worry, we’re going to get things under control so that all future expropriations are done in an organized and legal way.”

New York

George Soros explains why he is funding the riots. “People think that my Open Society Foundation shouldn’t be helping oppressed people loot and burn,” he said. “They think that an open society means life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. That is the white privilege way of thinking where people are required to earn their own happiness. These freedoms are of little value to poor minorities. In my view, an open society is one where all doors are open and people can come in and take whatever they need. When doors are locked, breaking them in or smashing windows to get inside are the only alternative. My role is to ensure that the oppressed have the transportation, tools, and other resources necessary to seize what they need from those who refuse to give it to them.”

New York Times writer Nikole Hannah-Jones asserted that “breaking into businesses and stealing merchandise is not violent. The act of looting is more a symbolic act of restitution from a society that oppresses black Americans than an actual theft of someone else’s property. There are no innocent shopkeepers. Each is an agent of the exploitative capitalist system, even the ones who are minorities. They have betrayed their race and class by stepping out of the proletariat and into the bourgeoisie. For acting white they are justifiably dispossessed.”

While elbow-to-elbow mobs of rioters looted and burned numerous businesses, New York City police took the time to arrest two black women—Bevelyn Beatty and Edmee Chavannes—who were peacefully counseling women outside a Manhattan Planned Parenthood abortion facility. Their offense was not meeting the City’s social distancing guidelines. One of the arresting officers laconically observed “offing babies is legal. Not wearing a mask is illegal.” His partner also acknowledged that “many of the rioters are also not wearing masks, but trying to bust any of them would be too risky. These two women were an easier collar.”

Los Angeles

Police arrived at a confrontation outside a liquor store and promptly cuffed and arrested the store’s civilian defenders while the people who intended to rob the store were allowed to escape. LAPD Commanding Officer Andy Neiman explained that “officers don’t know what’s going on, and until they sort everything out, they don’t know who they’re dealing with. In this case, we chose to arrest the guys with guns rather than the guys with baseball bats.” Monet, an African-American woman, one of the individuals guarding the store, recounted her experience, “I was handcuffed, thrown up against a wall with my husband and brother-in-law. The store owner and the news people were telling telling the police they were arresting the wrong people, but the cops wouldn’t listen.”

Seattle

Mayor Jenny Durkan (D) urged citizens “not to believe what you think you are seeing on TV. It’s not African-Americans who are looting our stores. It’s white supremacists disguised to look black. Our City is not the only place where this is happening. Commissioner of the Minnesota Department of Public Safety John Harrington has also blamed the riots in Minneapolis on white supremacists. And St. Paul Mayor Melvin Carter says over 80% of arrested rioters were out-of-state white nationalists.” However, jail records for the two cities contradict these assertions. The majority of rioters arrested were locals and none were white supremacists. Even the left-wing Southern Poverty Law Center says there is no evidence white supremacists are participating in the rioting and looting.

Massachusetts

Co-chair of the Democratic Attorneys General Association Maura Healey described the arson taking place in cities across the country as “clearing a path to future growth opportunities. The razing phase for a revitalized America has been largely accomplished in so many places. Ground that was occupied by capitalist exploiters of the people has been cleared for us to build new socially-owned and communal facilities that will usher in the fundamental transformation our Party has been striving for since President Obama awakened us to this possibility.”

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Battle Over Election Fraud Heats Up

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Though Twitter has a lengthy record of permitting leftists to post blatant lies and evidence-free accusations, this week it took issue with President Trump’s tweet warning of the risk of vote-fraud in vote-by-mail elections. Twitter alleged that a “fact check” shows that vote-fraud is nonexistent. It seems that the so-called fact check relied solely on repeated assertions from Democrats that vote-fraud does not exist to any serious extent.

As it turns out, the assertion that vote-fraud is not a serious problem is itself a false statement. Back in 2005 a bipartisan Commission on Federal Election Reform, co-chaired by former President Jimmy Carter (D) and former Secretary of State James Baker (R) declared, “absentee ballots remain the largest source of potential voter fraud.” A number of incidents since 2005 bolster that finding.

In this year alone, Pennsylvania election officials acknowledged that an unknown number of duplicate mail-in ballots were sent out to registered voters. In West Virginia, a mail carrier was caught attempting to forge mail-in ballots. In Nevada, thousands of mail-in ballots were sent to voters who no longer live in the state. In New Jersey, 600 fraudulent mail-in ballots were intercepted by an alert postal worker.

In 2018, Broward County, Florida received and counted more ballots than there were registered voters. In Michigan, Democratic Party poll watcher, Sherikia Hawkins was charged with altering 138 mail-in ballots. In 2011, investigative reporter Margaret Menge tested the system and was able to obtain three ballots for three different names at the same address in Palm Beach County, Florida.

Several other countries have banned or severely limited mail-in ballots. These include Denmark, Finland, France, Italy, Norway, the United Kingdom, and Mexico.

Nevertheless, Sen. Ron Wyden (D-Ore) denounced Trump’s objections to how Twitter handled his tweet, calling these objections “part of a calculated plan to push unfiltered lies on the American public. His claim that Democrats are the ones lying to the public are unsubtantiated. I challenge him to produce evidence that a single reputable news source has vetted his statements. In contrast, our Party has virtually 100% support, validation, and amplification from the media for almost everything we say.”

In related news, Joe Biden has hired a national director for voter protection “whose job will be to ensure that every person can vote as much as possible in the upcoming election.”

Arson & Theft Mar Minneapolis Protest

The legitimate grievance against the Minneapolis police who seem to have caused the death of subdued suspect George Floyd was undermined when opportunistic thieves and troublemakers used a protest demonstration as cover for robbery and arson. Businesses near the 3rd Precinct headquarters were vandalized, merchandise stolen, cash registers smashed open with hammers, and buildings set on fire. This display of lawless behavior was met by diverse responses.

Mayor Jacob Frey (D) was distressed that “those trying to liberate assets from their capitalist oppressors are not socially distancing as required by the Governors’ emergency order. I want everyone to be safe. Thieves and arsonists should maintain a minimum six foot distance from other protest participants. While I was glad to see that most wore masks, there were still some who did not. Those without masks can pick one up at my office. Even if they don’t think they need one for COVID protection, it is still useful for concealing one’s identity from witnesses and surveillance cameras.”

Race expert Al Sharpton lamented the fact that “some of the businesses robbed and destroyed were black-owned. One business burned down was a bar belonging to a former fireman who invested his life-savings in the venture. This is not the kind of tragedy we want to see.” In contrast, presumptive Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden disagreed, saying “investing in a business is not typical black behavior. This is the kind of thing white people do. Based on the evidence I’d have to say that the bar owner ain’t black.”

Despite the fact that Minneapolis has been run by Democrats for decades and that the cop who killed Floyd had a long string of complaints against him for brutality—one of which he was allowed to skate on by Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D) when she was a prosecutor, CNN Tonight host Don Lemon blamed Trump for the violence. “Trump’s statement that the looting and burning don’t do a thing toward getting justice for Floyd is not something I want to hear at this point,” Lemon complained. “He should be apologizing for the mistakes he and other whites have made that subjected blacks to 400 years of misery and suffering in this country. What he sees as crimes are more fairly construed as partial revenge for more than 400 years of injustice.”

Loser of the 2016 presidential election Hillary Clinton questioned Trump’s “biased response. His threat to use force to restore order places the lives and property of innocent business owners ahead of the rights of looters and arsonists. A president is the representative of all the people. He or she must show equal consideration for the rights of all—victim and criminal alike. That’s the way it would be if I were president today.”

Filmmaker Michael Moore accused white Minnesotans of complicity in Floyd’s murder. “They elected the Mayor who appointed the police chief who nurtured the homicidal cop who killed Floyd,” Moore contended. “To atone they should assist in demolishing the police headquarters and the City government.”

MSNBC journalist Ali Velshi reported from on the scene that the mayhem “is not generally unruly. The acts of depredation are not random. The thefts are mostly high-end electronics and cash. The fires have been contained to the targeted buildings by quick responses from the fire department. So far the only fatality was a looter shot by a shopkeeper. On balance, I think we have to categorize the protest as relatively well-behaved compared to what it could have been.”

Meanwhile, Floyd’s death has been officially added to the COVID-19 death toll by the Minneapolis Health Department. A spokesman for the Department explained that “the reported breathing problems of Mr. Floyd just prior to his demise are symptomatic of the type of demise caused by the virus.”

Biden Waffles on Running Mate

Former Vice-President Joe Biden backed off from an earlier promise to choose “a woman of color” as his running mate for the November election, saying “my run-in with Charlamagne Tha God last week has caused me pause. I thought that skin color would be sufficient as a measure of authentic blackness. Now I have my doubts.”

“Likewise, I have been informed that my classification of what constitutes a ‘woman’ may be too rigid for today’s reality,” Biden added. “What seemed simple is now complex. I thought Sen. Kamala Harris or Gov. Stacey Abrams were obvious choices. Now I’m not sure whether either one is authentically black or female. It has been pointed out to me that neither one has publicly proven either qualification. Perhaps it would be better to select someone like Sen. Elizabeth Warren, who despite all appearances, has declared herself to be a person of color. Or maybe I ought to go with Mayor Pete Buttigieg who appears to be white, but at least has chosen a nonstandard gender identification. We’re going to need some more polls and focus groups to sort all this out and point me in the right direction.”

Gov Irate at Citizens’ Insubordination

As the mass hysteria that allowed so many governors to frighten citizens into mindless obedience to inane and oppressive edicts has waned, Washington Governor Jay Inslee (D) is irate. “I am the ruler of this state,” he declared. “It is everyone’s obligation—citizen and non-citizen, alike—to do what I tell them to do.”

A major irritant has been the increasingly widespread refusal of sheriffs and local police to cite, arrest, shutdown, or otherwise harass individuals attempting to enjoy the life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness our representative democracy is meant to secure. “I consequently have ordered the Department of Labor and Industries to impose $10,000 per day fines for any deviations from the path I have decreed the state must follow in these perilous times of pandemic and climate change,” Inslee announced.

It’s possible that the real source of Inslee’s actions are revelations that a substantial portion of the state’s Cares Act funding allocation was scammed away by Nigerian princes. Inslee defended state bureaucrats duped by this oldest of scams, asserting that “the need for speed combined with the apparent opportunity to leverage our funds with millions of extra dollars in inheritance money that otherwise might have been snatched up by another state may have led to inadequate vetting of the eligibility of these recipients.”

Speaker Says Proxy Voting “More Efficient”

Concerned that traditional representative government “may be too chaotic and obsolete for our modern era,” House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) has initiated “an experimental trial of proxy voting. It’s bad enough during normal times for us to have to shuttle back-and-forth between our districts and Washington DC. Now, with every step outside one’s home risking a veritable death sentence from the COVID virus, it makes more sense to develop an alternative method for conducting Congress’ business.”

Under her initial plan, each attending member of the House would be able to cast as many as ten proxy votes for absent members in Congress. Pelosi pointed out that “corporations use this process all the time. Shareholders aren’t forced to attend corporate meetings in order for their votes to be counted. They can give their proxies to management or others and authorize them to cast the votes. This saves the shareholders the trouble and expense of having to vote for themselves. I think this more efficient system should be used in Congress. I think if we can ultimately get to a point where all or the majority of the proxies are given to the Speaker, the legislative process in the House will be more streamlined and rapid.”

House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy (R-Calif) dubbed Pelosi’s proxy plans “unconstitutional. Our founding document provides for the election of the people’s representatives to propose, debate, and act on legislation. Being present to conduct these duties may be inconvenient at times, but it is essential.” McCarthy has filed a suit seeking to overturn “this improper evasion of the supreme law of the land.” Pelosi labeled the suit “a sad stunt.”

De Blasio to Keep NYC Shut “as Long as I Can”

While he acknowledged that “the fight against COVID is largely won,” New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio (D) vowed “to keep this City shutdown as long as I can. We mustn’t overlook the greater threat posed by the possibility that Trump will be reelected. Averting such a possibility is my top priority. If that causes additional suffering in the short-run that’s a price we have to be willing to pay.”

To bolster his strategy, the Mayor pointed to a just-released statement by Harvard professor Jason Furman that “a strong economic recovery would almost certainly lead to President Trump winning in November.” “Furman was one of President Obama’s top economists,” de Blasio said. “His forecast must be taken seriously. It is incumbent upon every Democratic officeholder to wield what ever power he has or can usurp to try to avert such a disastrous outcome. I this regard, I am pleased to see that Gov. Cuomo has backed off of his previously promised plans to expedite the state’s economic recovery.”

Now that Cuomo’s deadly decision to move COVID-infected seniors into nursing homes has been shown to have increased the state’s death toll by more than 10,000, though, it seems doubtful that he will be able to toe-the-line on keeping the state locked down. Health care expert Dr. Betsy McCaughey punctured Cuomo’s claim that he was following federal rules when he ordered unprepared nursing homes to accept COVID-positive patients. “The administration recommended nursing homes should admit patients even if they were coming from a hospital battling COVID-19, not that patients with COVID-19 themselves should be admitted,” she said. “Not only was his order inescapably stupid, his attempt to shift blame is morally reprehensible.”

Being as stupid and reprehensible as he is didn’t stop Cuomo from criticizing the exposure of his stupidity and moral failing as “an unfair political tactic. None of the respected media—not the New York Times, not CNN—have blamed me. On the contrary, they all have praised my leadership during this pandemic. I am confident that a fact check of Dr. McCaughey’s work by a reputable media outlet will result in a finding of ‘false.’”

Chicago Mayor Defends Enforcement Priorities

Mayor Lori Lightfoot’s decision to shift police resources to conducting raids on churches that hold services in defiance of her edict that this not be permitted has led to questions regarding her priorities. As is well-known, there are dozens of shootings in the City every week and a lengthy list of unsolved murders. This past Sunday, though, five police cars loaded with officers descended on Chicago Cornerstone Baptist Church to break-up Pastor Courtney Lewis’ sermon and disperse the parishioners.

Lightfoot justified the raid saying that “the City’s residents have learned to live with the constant murders, but COVID-19 is a new and much more deadly threat. This disease has no known cure. It has already killed more than 100,000 people in this country. My lockdown order is intended to combat this greater threat. I must also point out that people are also less likely to be murdered on the streets if they stay at home like I told them to. Once we have a vaccine for the virus, police resources will be freed up to go back to grappling with murder cases. Until then, freedom of religion is suspended in my City for the duration of the pandemic.”

Meanwhile, in response to civic disorder mimicking that taking place in Minneapolis, the Mayor has directed police to “not use force to disperse any large gatherings, especially if looting or arson is taking place. Resources must be conserved to suppress gatherings occurring in churches that are violating the lockdown.”

In related news, CNN senior political analyst John Avlon branded President Trump as a “hypocrite” for not attending church. “If he doesn’t go to church himself how can he defend the right of others to go to church?” Avlon asked. “I hope voters will see this kind of inconsistency as a good reason not to reelect the man.”

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Cuomo Blames Trump for Nursing Home Fiasco

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D-NY) rebuffed criticism of his order requiring nursing homes to accept COVID-positive patients by blaming President Trump. The ordered cohabitation of infected and uninfected residents at these homes resulted in thousands of unnecessary and foreseeable deaths.

“Yeah, I was the one who gave the order, but Trump did nothing to stop me,” Cuomo said. “He could’ve stepped in to countermand me, but he decided to allow each state to manage the pandemic in its own way. I know that Commissioner Zucker already admitted that the order was stupid, but isn’t overruling bad decisions made by state and local governments one of the things that we expect from a president?”

The governor pointed to polls showing 70 percent of New Yorkers approving his handling of the pandemic as further justification for his actions. “I think voters realize that I am no dumber than they are in dealing with this unprecedented calamity,” he pointed out. “Likewise, polls indicating that most Democrats would prefer that I replace Biden as the Party’s presidential nominee is a vote of confidence that Trump can’t match from his Party. The media has been very congratulatory regarding my performance. I was able to wheedle more aid out of Trump than any other governor. My sterling leadership sets me head-and-shoulders above my peers in either Party.”

FBI to Reevaluate Role in Flynn Case

Professing himself “disturbed” by the unexpected turn in the Flynn case, FBI Director Christopher Wray has ordered an internal review. “It is particularly concerning that the confidentiality of our methods has been compromised,” Wray observed. “If the Agency’s files can be so easily exposed to scrutiny we need to consider whether any records should be kept going forward. Our effectiveness will be blunted if unauthorized people can pierce the veil of secrecy that is vital to keeping the government safe from the type of oppositional defiant disorder exhibited by persons like Donald Trump and his deplorable supporters.”

Wray brushed aside assertions that his review was a duplication of efforts already underway at the direction of Attorney General William Barr, pointing out “that to my way of thinking, Barr is an outsider whose loyalties lie elsewhere. He is, after all, the one who blocked our slam dunk case against Flynn. Because of his intervention, instead of another successful prosecution the FBI is looking incompetent or worse. We need our own internal and confidential process for determining how to avert similar outcomes in the future.”

NYC Mayor Vows to Ban Fun on Memorial Day

A day at the beach at Coney Island has been a traditional start of summer for many New Yorkers for many decades. However, Mayor Bill de Blasio is determined to ensure that “this year will be different. I know a lot of our residents are itching to get outside into the sunshine. But I’m here to remind everyone that the pandemic is still with us. I will continue to dictate what is and isn’t permitted until I decide whether it is safe to go outside.”

De Blasio was unmoved by evidence showing that the coronavirus is vulnerable to the ultraviolet light in sunshine and that the vitamin D human bodies produce when exposed to sunlight strengthens resistance to becoming infected. “This is just anecdotal,” he contended. “I refuse to believe that such a cheap and easy remedy is something we can rely on when rarer and more expensive options have yet to be developed and proven.”

The mayor warned that “if people go to the area without masks, get too close to others, or go into the water police will be there to prevent it. Likewise, police will be on the lookout for any nonessential business transactions and will cite any persons engaged in such activity. Resources must be conserved to ensure that essential activities, like government, are fully funded.”

Thus far, the ban on nonessential activities has drastically cut into government revenues and endangered the lavish pensions promised to retired government employees. “Not to worry,” de Blasio said, “Sen. Schumer (D-NY) is working on legislation to transfer funds from parts of the country that don’t need it to help cover our shortfall.”

Meanwhile, a few miles from New York City, Nassau County Executive Laura Curran announced that tennis courts will be reopened, but advised that players “may not touch each other’s balls unless they reside in the same household. If players are from different households they may kick each other’s balls.” Curran cast these guidelines “as a way for everyone to stay safe while enjoying the game.”

Biden Says Blacks Who Don’t Support him “Ain’t Black”

In an interview on the “Breakfast Club” Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden told host Charlamagne Tha God that “if you have a problem figuring out whether you’re for me or Trump, then you ain’t black.” Biden’s statement was in response to Charlemagne’s attempt to go over the originally allotted 20 minutes set aside for the interview by pleading “we’ve got more questions.”

While Biden’s assertion that skin color determines political ideology reeks of racism, Fox News commentator, and former spokesperson for the State Department under President Barack Obama, Marie Harf insisted “it definitely was not racist. We all say things on television or radio interviews that maybe we would like to take back. I think voters will give him a chance to take it back.”

Sen. Tim Scott (R-SC) is not inclined to let Biden off-the-hook, saying “this is the most condescending and arrogant comment toward the black community I have ever heard. As a black man I am more than my skin color. I can think for myself and make my own judgments. Biden sponsored a crime bill in the 1990s that jailed more African-American males than any other legislation. President Trump supported and signed legislation to undo the injustices spawned by Biden’s bill. I think a black man assessing these events can decide for himself which man to vote for as president.”

Upon reflection, Biden spoke in his own defense, pointing out “that Delaware was a slave state. I always had to keep that fact in mind when I was a Senator. I had to represent all the people of Delaware as I weighed which bills deserved my support. I recognize that this led to some zigging and zagging across the political spectrum. Sometimes I voted for bigger welfare benefits. Sometimes I voted to crackdown on crime. I think the fact that I was repeatedly reelected indicates that I did a pretty good job of balancing the competing interests of all the races in my state for more than 30 years.”

James Carville, former campaign adviser to President Bill Clinton, predicted that “Joe will rise above this kerfuffle and whip Trump’s fat ass in November. The Republicans’ attempt to treat blacks as individuals who can think independently will fall flat. Democrats are the ones who’ve delivered the goods. We’re the Party that has rescued tens of millions from wage-slavery by providing the material benefits that have enabled them to choose an alternative lifestyle without being forced to work for it.”

In related news, The Nation columnist Katha Pollitt announced that she “would vote for Joe Biden if he boiled babies and ate them.” She defended her callous opinion by calling eating babies “beneficial to the environment. It would contribute to the reduction of the human population and utilize an economical method of disposing of the unneeded human protein if more of us added this food to our diet. Other animals could be reprieved and land used for farming returned to its natural uncultivated condition.”

Klobuchar Admission Dims Hopes for VP Nod

Revelation that her husband recovered from COVID-19 with the aid of hydroxychloroquine has lowered Minnesota Sen. Amy Klobuchar’s odds for snagging the spot as Biden’s vice-president on the Democratic ticket for this year’s election. CNN’s Chris Cuomo called it “a likely coup de grâce for her. This is the drug touted by Trump. Every Democrat is expected to hold to the Party line view that it is dangerous and ineffective.”

Klobuchar has publicly adhered to the Party line, calling the drug “a menace” and mocked Trump’s recent declaration that he has taken it as a preventive therapy. She sought to distinguish between her political and personal attitude toward the medication, saying that “my husband is a good person and deserves every chance to live. Trump, in contrast, is a bad person who needs to be removed from office by any means possible. I think my ability to make this distinction should bolster my credentials for the VP slot.”

Meanwhile, sensing an opportunity, rival VP contender Sen. Kamala Harris (Calif) has introduced legislation that would classify the use of phrases like “Wuhan virus, Chinese virus and Kung Flu” to describe the coronavirus as a “hate crime.”

“Racist attempts to blame the pandemic on the Chinese government are fraught with peril,” Harris maintained. “China has the ability to destroy us economically and militarily. We must not provoke them. Vice-President Biden has spent decades currying favor with China. We must show their government where we stand as a nation so he can continue those efforts after he is elected president.”

Newsom Threatens to Fire First-Responders

California Gov. Gavin Newsom (D) says “the federal government has an ethical obligation to bail out my state. Admittedly, we might have been excessively generous in how we spent taxpayers’ money. Perhaps this was a mistake. However, there is no need to make the people of California suffer for the miscues of their government. The federal government has an unconstrained power to create money. Failure to use this power to rescue California from bankruptcy would be a crime against humanity.”

Among the “miscues” are $1 trillion in unfunded pension liabilities, 15,000 hotel rooms leased to house the homeless along with the cost of drugs to feed their habits while sequestered in these hotels, more than 300,000 state employees drawing six-figure annual salaries, and $125 million in coronavirus unemployment benefits for illegal aliens.

The governor suggested he would try to motivate Trump to “do the right thing” by “laying off police, health care workers, and fire fighters first. Public employees that Trump would probably consider unnecessary ‘dead wood’ won’t be let go because it wouldn’t trouble him one bit. It’s only when innocent civilians are put at risk that Republicans can be counted on to take action.”

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Sheriff Too Busy Rearresting Criminals to Enforce Lockdown

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Fresno County Sheriff Margaret Mims says her officers “are too busy repeatedly rearresting criminals released under the state’s zero-dollar bail policy. We haven’t the time, resources, or inclination to enforce the social-distancing orders issued by Gov. Newsom.”

Newsom proclaimed himself “seriously peeved by the failure of Sheriff Mims and others to carry out my orders. These law-enforcement officers are not authorized to select which laws they will or won’t enforce. It isn’t their job to decide which offenses are more serious. That is the responsibility of higher officials. In 2018 the legislature passed and Gov. Brown signed the law that allows accused felons who can’t afford bail to be released on their own recognizance. I fear that Mims’ focus on repeat offenses from this segment of the population could be construed as racist.”

Mims called Newsom’s remarks “a slur. We are rearresting people who are stealing, assaulting, and murdering without regard to skin color. These are the individuals that the public needs protection from. The Governor’s insistence that everyone should wear masks actually works against public safety by making it harder to identify perps on surveillance camera videos.”

Meanwhile in New York City, a half-dozen police officers accosted 22-year-old Kaleemah Rozier and threw her to the pavement in full view of her terrified toddler for “improperly wearing her mask.” One of the arresting officers explained “when you break the law, you pay the price.” Ironically, New York has been releasing convicted felons from prison during the COVID-19 crisis in order to protect them from catching the virus. Now there’s room to incarcerate Ms. Rozier.

China Warns: “US Cannot Defeat Coronavirus”

The Chinese government controlled Global Times mocked America’s battle against the pandemic saying “the inability to dictate top-down solutions is frustrated by squeamishness to violate so-called individual rights like privacy and freedom of speech. This inherent weakness is why China will rise to dominate the world for the next 1,000 years.”

Gov. Jay Inslee (D-Wash) made a bid to rebut this assertion by pointing out that “I have established a surveillance protocol that will require private businesses to record the names and addresses of customers. This information will then be kept on file until needed. I have also set up a program of targeted virus testing. Individuals selected for testing will either submit or be put under house-arrest.”

Gov. Gretchen Whitmer (D-Mich) cited her “bold action to deny Karl Manke’s attempt to evade my order to shut down his barber shop. Using my authority to crush this dissident’s efforts to support himself through nonessential labor proves that I’m not squeamish. I have also declared the circulation of petitions for my recall from office ‘nonessential.’ I think I have shown President Xi Jinping that I can wield the same kind of ruthless application of power that he has.”

Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D-NY) pointed out that “I effectively sentenced thousands to death by mandating the cohabitation of infected and uninfected vulnerable elderly in nursing home facilities unequipped to deal with the virus. I could have easily sent the COVID-19 positives to the Navy hospital ship President Trump sent to help take on patients that couldn’t be accommodated in other hospitals in my state, but I didn’t. I think my accomplishment here validates me as the least squeamish governor in America.”

The editor of the Global Times praised these “earnest attempts to follow the Chinese model,” but pointed out “the unavoidable fragmentation imposed by the United States’ inefficient federalist system. As aggressive as these governors have been they’re still short of the kind of total control necessary. There are even signs that citizens egged on by President Trump’s encouragement to ‘liberate’ their states will undo all the progress that they have made toward adopting a truly progressive form of governance.”

Employees Refuse to Return to Work

Melony Wagner, owner of the Charles Village Pub in Baltimore, reports that her effort to reopen are being impeded by employees refusing to return to work. “The unemployment benefits augmented by the federal stimulus money they’re getting exceeds the amount they made in wages and tips before we were ordered to shutdown,” she said.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) boasted that “this restaurant example vindicates what I’ve been saying for years. Unemployment compensation is a better source of income than jobs. This may be inconvenient for people like Ms. Wagner, but it is her own fault for trying to operate a nonessential business. For her employees, though, the stress and expense of dragging themselves to a job are avoided. They have more time to spend with their families and to do things they really enjoy rather than being forced to work just to put food on the table.”

“Our $3 trillion Health and Economic Recovery Omnibus Emergency Solutions Act (HEROES Act) is a critical step toward making unemployment compensation a permanent source of income for a growing segment of our population—including newcomers,” the Speaker bragged. “We want voters to know that if Democrats can take control of the Senate, House, and presidency in the November elections, this transformation will reshape the way we live.” Her 1800 page bill is expected to pass in the Democrat-dominated House, but fail in the GOP-dominated Senate.

Judge Fishing for Reason to Punish Flynn

Attorney General William Barr’s decision to drop the “lying to the FBI” charges against Gen. Michael Flynn has infuriated Judge Emmett Sullivan. The Judge is now soliciting ideas from anyone who wants to suggest an alternate charge for which the General can be punished.

Former Judge John Gleeson suggested that “Flynn should be charged with perjury for falsely pleading guilty to lying to the FBI. There is no evidence that Flynn committed any crime. Consequently, his admission of guilt is clearly perjury. Judge Sullivan should find him guilty of perjury and sentence him to prison.”

House Judiciary Committee Chairman Jerrold Nadler (D-NY) suggested that “Flynn’s original guilty plea should stand. Just because the Mueller team had no evidence doesn’t change the fact that Flynn originally folded to their bluff that they would go after his son. Once you fold, it doesn’t matter that you folded to a ‘nothing hand.’ He had his chance to call their bluff, but didn’t. For losing his nerve he deserves to lose the case and go to jail.”

Former Vice-President Joe Biden suggested that “Flynn should be found guilty of treason. Twenty-eight members of the Obama Administration demanded that Flynn be unmasked. This alone is pretty persuasive evidence that he is a bad dude. I mean, if 28 of the nation’s finest leaders were all suspicious of the guy there has to be smoke where there’s a fire like that. We can’t afford to let him skate on the technically that the FBI and Mueller were unable to find evidence of his guilt. If we do, we risk millions more dying.”

In related news, in an appearance on Snapchat’s “Good Luck America” daily political show, Biden laughed off host Peter Hamby’s question about how he will fight back against the “Dementia Joe” meme that is trending on social media, calling it “ridiculous. As you can see from my grin, my teeth are in great shape.”

Clapper Says “Spying on Americans Is Routine”

Former Director of National Intelligence (DNI) James Clapper dismissed the hubbub over revelations that the intelligence community spied on the Trump campaign by asserting “Trump wasn’t singled out as some sort of personal vendetta. Spying on Americans is routine. I estimate that more than 100,000 different American citizens were spied on during my tenure at DNI.”

“We live in a dangerous world,” Clapper reminded. “Enemies abound—both foreign and domestic. Those of us entrusted with defending the government from these enemies must be ever vigilant. Tapping phone lines, bugging residences, secretly video taping people in their homes and work places, blackmail, and any other means of gathering the intelligence needed to keep us safe must be employed.”

“President Obama explicitly asked that we keep an eye on Donald Trump,” Clapper added. “Here was a guy that had no political pedigree trying to seize power from the men who have invested their careers in public service. His sudden change of career from the private sector to running for president was highly suspicious. His success at it was alarming. We had to do whatever we could to neutralize this threat. The blatant exposure of our covert actions against Trump by current DNI acting-director Richard Grenell is an unprecedented invasion of the privacy that is essential for the intelligence community to be able to do its job.”

In related news, Clapper said “I won’t be able to honor Senate Judiciary Committee Chairman Lindsey Graham’s request that I testify under oath in front of his committee. There’s nothing in it for me. When I testify on CNN they provide me with talking points and a paycheck. Unless Lindsey can match that I’m going to have to refuse to testify for him. My excuse will be that until there is a vaccine for COVID-19 it would be too risky for a man my age to leave home. He can watch what I say on CNN and sort through that for evidence.”

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Gov Vetoes Telemedicine Bill

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Pennsylvania Gov. Tom Wolf (D) vetoed a bill that would have expanded patients’ access to telemedicine services during the coronavirus lockdown because “it didn’t include at home abortions.” In his veto message Wolf explained that “Planned Parenthood spent $1.5 million to help me win reelection. I would be a terrible ingrate if I failed to protect their interests.”

Critics pointed out that the veto will prevent a wide array of patients with serious health concerns from consulting with a doctor. Wolf expressed his sympathy, but asserted that “securing the equal treatment of all medical issues has to take precedence over discrimination against one procedure. The need of some women to end the lives of their unwanted children is just as valid as any other health concern. If these don’t-want-to-be mothers can’t be served, then no one can be served. If some must be deprived then all must be deprived.”

Susan B. Anthony List President Marjorie Dannenfelser questioned Wolf’s reasoning, pointing out that “abortion-inducing drugs pose a serious risk of potentially life-threatening complications. Research shows as many as five to seven percent of women who undergo chemical abortions will require follow-up surgery. Aside from the moral issue of killing babies, it seems clear that for the sake of the woman, even drug-induced abortions ought to be performed in a facility equipped to respond to the potentially deadly complications that may occur.”

Trump Accused of “Attempted Murder”

President Rump’s offer to provide his anticipated Democratic opponent for president with “the same kind of rapid COVID-19 testing system that I have so he can get out of quarantine and back on the campaign trail” was denounced by former Vice-President Joe Biden’s campaign manager Greg Schultz as “attempted murder.”

“Trump knows that Joe is a member of the aged and decrepit cohort of the population that is most vulnerable to the virus,” Schultz charged. “These tests don’t provide any protection from infection for the person being tested. They only assure that the person is not likely to infect others. The risk of Joe being infected by others while he is campaigning would still be present.”

“Trump may be willing to take such risks in his campaign to deceive people into voting for him, but Joe is not,” Schultz asserted. “He will continue to set an example that he hopes every American will emulate by remaining in quarantine until there is a vaccine. We are confident that this heroic decision will show voters the kind of leadership Joe will exercise once he is elected the nation’s next president.”

Case Against Flynn Dropped

Disclosure of previously withheld FBI documents reveal that rather than pursuing an honest investigation of former National Security Adviser General Michael Flynn, the FBI plotted to entrap him. This prompted Attorney General William Barr to order that the case against him be dropped.

“When we look at the evidence it is clear that there is no underlying crime,” Barr observed. “As in-coming NSA, Flynn was acting within the scope of his duties to converse with the Russian Ambassador. The FBI’s transcript of its illegal wire tap of Flynn showed no illicit content. Yet, the FBI proceeded to entrap him by comparing his later recollections of those conversations to their tapes, noting differences, and alleging he lied to the FBI. To this, the Mueller investigators added extortion by threatening to concoct charges against Flynn’s son unless he pled guilty. It’s time the unjust persecution of this man is stopped.”

House Judiciary Committee chairman Rep. Jerrold Nadler (D-NY) decried Barr’s decision. “A lot of people worked long and hard to get Flynn to plead guilty,” he pointed out. “Dismissing the case at this late date makes it all seem a waste. In my mind, once a person pleads guilty the case is over and the punishment phase needs to begin. Reversing this process on the grounds that it was not a proper investigation is unconscionable. Lots of investigations are imperfect. Does that mean we have to let guys off because of these imperfections?”

House Intelligence Committee chairman Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) echoed Nadler’s frustration, “trickery and intimidation are standard tools for ferreting out the guilty and ensuring their punishment. I shudder to think of the precedent Barr is setting. People that law enforcement know to be bad actors will go free to continue their depredations against society if our hands are tied by excessively fastidious demands for hard evidence before we can prosecute. Evil men like Trump will be unconstrained and our democracy will suffer.”

Former FBI Director James Comey, instigator of the effort to frame Flynn, lamented that “the DOJ has lost its way. Entrapment is a long-standing and vital tool for law enforcement. At the very least, the ease with which we were able lure Flynn into making inconsistent statements and pressure him to plead guilty showed he was too weak to serve in government. Regardless of whether he was or wasn’t an actual criminal, per se, we still saved the nation from suffering from his incompetence as NSA director.”

NY Gov Declares 90-Day Rent “Holiday”

Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D-NY) issued an executive decree absolving all tenants from having to pay rent until August 20. “Since it was my previous decree barring all nonessential businesses from operating during the pandemic that ended the employment of millions of workers, it is only fair that I also decree that no one be required to pay rent until I deem it appropriate to allow these businesses to reopen,” he said.

The governor acknowledged that “this may seem unfair to landlords who will lose their incomes during the rent holiday. But as former President Jimmy Carter said, ‘life is unfair.’ Considering state laws levying the highest property taxes in the nation and various local rent-control ordinances, I’m really amazed that anyone invests in rental properties. If my 90-day suspension of rents negatively affects this segment of the economy that crisis will present yet another opportunity to transform society. Maybe down the road all property will be owned by the government and rent can be supplanted by a better system for determining who lives where.”

In related news, Cuomo is demanding that health workers who came to help out his state at the peak of the pandemic be taxed. “I’m not saying that I don’t appreciate the help these doctors and nurses provided,” he pointed out. “All I’m saying is that anyone who earns a dollar of income while in my state must be taxed. If I let these people go untaxed a bad precedent will be set for the next crisis that comes along. To stay consistent with our values of having the highest taxes of any state we can’t afford to make any exceptions.”

Campus Due Process Rule Denounced

Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos’ effort to ensure due process in cases alleging sexual assault on university campuses sparked immediate criticism from presidential candidate former Vice-President Joe Biden. The secretary’s action seeks to both strengthen Title IX protections for survivors of sexual misconduct and to restore due process in campus proceedings.

“We want to have a system where students can have confidence that justice will prevail,” DeVos said. “This includes justice for victims and for those wrongfully accused. For a long time, many universities discouraged women from coming forward to lodge complaints. In more recent years, many universities have implemented Kafkaesque procedures denying the accused a right to defend themselves. This initiative is intended to correct both these problems.”

Biden called DeVos’ action “wrong. I will reverse this once I’m president. Throughout my career I have always been on the side of women—massaging their shoulders, nuzzling their necks, and groping for a way to show them that I care, that I am on their side. The men who prey on women will find out that I’m not afraid to crack down on predators. In my opinion, the summary expulsions doled out by universities are too good for these offenders. We need to add prison time and maybe castration if we are to stem the epidemic of sex crimes on campus. As president, I will be the man who finally makes this happen.”

Plan to Wind Down Task Force Sparks Criticism

President Trump’s suggestion that we need to pivot from battling with COVID-19 to resurrecting the economy has been met with criticisms from Democrats. “We’ve done a pretty good job flattening the curve,” Trump said. “We met all the states’ requests for equipment to ensure that our hospitals wouldn’t be overwhelmed. We even built some new hospitals in the New York City hot spot. We’re well on our way to winning on this front. Now, I think we need to get to work on rescuing the people flattened by the temporary economic shutdown. People who have been blocked from earning an income need to have their right to live restored.”

House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer (D-Md) called Trump’s suggestion “unthinkable. Over the last two-months we’ve seen a level of civic obedience that I didn’t think would ever be possible in this country. By declaring a state of emergency, governors across the nation have been able to rule without the encumbrance of having to have new laws enacted by legislatures. This was greatly aided by the fear of sickness and death. The Coronavirus Task Force has been an integral part of this transformation of our government. Rather than winding down it needs to become a permanent feature going forward.”

Former presidential candidate Hillary Clinton shared Hoyer’s perspective. “Disbanding the Task Force means that the freedom fanatics win,” she warned. “The almost uniform compliance with directives that these fanatics claim violate their constitutional rights has been unprecedented. Even if the pandemic is basically whipped, this is something we need to build on, not throw away. In my view, this task force can serve as a model for future governance. We should have similar task forces established to make rules for the economy, the environment, and social justice. The geriatric Congress can continue to shelter at home and offer advice from a position of safety to these new ruling bodies.”

Gov Orders Gardens Torn Out

Gov. Gretchen Whitmer (D-Mich) ordered state police to “investigate and exterminate unauthorized gardens” that have popped up in the increasingly warm spring weather in her state.

“Look, I outlawed the purchase of seeds as part of my stay-at-home directive,” she explained. “The appearance of well-tended gardens raises suspicion that the homeowner has either illegally bought seeds, gone outside for nonessential activity, or both. If we allow some individuals to flout the law like this people will tend to lose confidence in my governance.”

“I have instructed law enforcement to act on either on their own initiative or in response to a tip from a citizen snitch to approach suspected violators and interrogate them,” Whitmer said. “If those residing in homes with a garden cannot persuade the investigating officer that they had nothing to do with the flowers or vegetables growing in their yards they will be given seven days to tear out the illegal garden or face a fine of $1,000 or 30 days in jail.”

Meanwhile in Kansas City, Mayor Quinton Lucas ordered that churches in the jurisdiction “turn over the names and addresses of anyone attending services. Worshipping a nonexistent deity is the very definition of a nonessential activity. Violators must not be allowed to cloak their illegal activity behind a claim of constitution privilege. During this emergency it is my responsibility to protect everyone from being endangered by the irresponsible behavior of others. I will not be deterred by fanatics waving an out-dated piece of paper at me.”

Senators Concoct Plan to Worsen Economy

In the realization that the fear of the coronavirus that is keeping people from resuming normal life won’t last forever, Sens. Kamala Harris (D-Calif), Bernie Sanders (I-Vt) and Ed Markey (D-Mass) are cosponsoring legislation that will pay everyone in America until the virus’ impact on the economy subsides. Their bill is called the Monthly Economic Crisis Support Act and would provide a monthly $2,000 check to single individuals, $4,000 to married couples, and $2,000 for each child (up to a maximum of three per family). To be eligible, your income needs to be less than $120,000 per year.

“The hope is to keep everyone sheltering in place until after the election,” Harris said. “As we have seen in California, people are leaving home to go to the beach. There are also protests against the lock down at the State Capitol in Sacramento. Obviously, the fear of the virus is waning. Offering cash to stay at home is our only feasible option if we are to have any chance to thwart Trump’s drive to bring back the prosperity he hopes will secure his reelection. Even if we can’t get our bill past McConnell, we’ll still be on record as supporting a guaranteed income. This will let those who prefer leisure over work to know who to vote for come November.”

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Gov Announces Release of High-Risk Sex Offenders

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Irked that Californians are starting to flout his demand that they stay at home, Gov. Gavin Newsom (D) announced the release of seven prisoners into the Orange County area. Orange County District Attorney Toff Spitzer objected to the action saying “these kinds of high-risk sex offenders are the most dangerous kind of criminal and the most likely to re-offend.”

“That’s precisely the reason why these inmates were selected for release,” Newsom said. “Look, fear of COVID has diminished to the point that thousands of people in Orange County have defied my ban on going to the beach. Let’s see if fear of being assaulted or raped by one of these newly released sexual predators will be so easily ignored by beach-goers.”

Spitzer called the Governor’s view “insane. Protecting law-abiding people from being harmed by criminals is the fundamental duty of government.”

Newsom countered by asserting “well, these are crazy times we live in. The unprecedented threat posed by the virus has forced us to go outside the fundamental bounds of government and pioneer a new social order. Who’s to say that injecting a social pathogen into the community isn’t the right remedy? Besides, it’s only temporary. I’m pretty confident that all of these released prisoners will be rearrested within a few weeks. I’m hoping that by then the need for terror will have subsided.”

Obama Violates “Stay-at-Home” Order

Former President Barack Obama violated Virginia Gov. Ralph Northam’s stay-at-home order by sneaking out to play golf. He also embarrassed his wife whose broadcast message urged folks to “remember, we urge you to stay home except if you need essential health care, essential food or supplies, or to go to your essential job.”

Barack defended his golf outing contending “it was essential health care. Michelle’s great and I love her, but being cooped up at home day after day is very stressful. Besides, what activity could be more socially distancing than golf. I can’t understand why Gov. Northam banned it. In any case, as one who has served his country at the highest level, I think I deserve a few perks to help me through these extraordinary times. If my Secret Service detachment didn’t agree, I’m sure they wouldn’t have let me out of the house, much less accompany me for the full 18 holes.”

Northam announced that “I have already issued a pardon for President Obama. A hero of his stature must not be held to the same standards as the frightened cowards who are meekly obeying my dictates.”

FBI Documents Exonerate Flynn

Previously withheld FBI documents related to the Agency’s case against Gen. Michael Flynn were uncovered this week. On the one hand, exculpatory evidence that had been denied to Flynn’s attorneys was revealed. On the other hand, an illegal plot designed to entrap the General was documented.

James Comey, FBI Director at the time these illegal actions were taken, maintains that “these were standard procedures. When the Agency has an opportunity to take down a bad guy, every option to accomplish the job is in play. We brainstormed a few ideas, got the okay on a course of action from President Obama, and proceeded to carry it out. We got within inches from the goal line—we pressured Flynn into entering a guilty plea and would have had him behind bars—but the late substitution of Sidney Powell for his original defense team stopped us short. Still, I believe it was a worthy effort in a good cause.”

Meanwhile, former Director of National Intelligence James Clapper reiterated his “just following orders defense” by reminding everyone that “we were only doing what President Obama told us to do. We had no choice. He was the Commander-in-Chief. We had a legal obligation to obey.”

Biden Denies Sexual Assault Allegation

This week, former Vice-President Joe Biden went on MSNBC to answer questions about Tara Reade’s accusation that he sexually assaulted her in 1993 when she worked for him in his senate office.

Biden insisted that “it never happened. I think I have a good feel for where the boundaries are when it comes to touching women. I know I have been filmed sniffing, stroking, and nuzzling women and girls thousands of times, but I can say unequivocally, that I’ve never been filmed groping, fondling, or raping any of them. I’d say that the weight of this evidence proves I’m not guilty.”

The presidential candidate rejected the idea that he make his personal Senate papers archived at the University of Delaware available to be searched, saying “my staff has already searched these papers and assures me that no meaningful documents can be found there.” Instead, he maintained that “the National Archives is where the records of all the crimes committed by every government official are deposited. If anything is to be found, it will be there.”

John Valceanu, director of communications for the archives, said he is “confident that no such documents are in our possession. All complaints lodged against senators are kept by the Senate.” Secretary of the Senate Julie Adams declined to confirm or deny Valceanu’s claim, insisting “we have paid good money to keep accusations private. Unless there is a court order, any information we have will remain private.”

In related news, former Senator Chris Dodd (D-Conn) has been fingered by Biden to head up the search for his vice-presidential running mate. “Chris has the kind of experience that will be critical in selecting the woman who will best fit the role I have in mind for my vice-president,” Biden said. It wasn’t clear whether Biden was referring to the 1985 incident at the Washington, D.C. restaurant, La Brassiere where Dodd was the bottom slice of the “waitress sandwich” he and Senator Ted Kennedy (D-Mass) formed with a restaurant employee.

Clinton Plan to Boost Employment Partially Leaked

Citing the “unprecedented opportunity presented by the COVID crisis,” the Clinton Foundation is working on a plan to employ the 30 million who have lost their jobs due to the shutdown as government spies. Participants in developing this plan include former President Bill Clinton (retired sexual predator), Governor Andrew Cuomo (nursing home murderer), Chelsea Clinton (beneficiary of nepotism), and Governor Gavin Newsom (Chinese dupe).

“Obviously, we can’t sustain an economy where tens of millions are permanently unemployed,” Cuomo said. “But we can’t go back to the way it was before the COVID pandemic. In New York City Mayor de Blasio has already started paying $57,000 a year to hire spies. It seems to me that there might be a large pool of individuals ready and willing to do this on a long term basis. I think if we could expand this to a nationwide program we could sop up employees who’ve been discharged from nonessential businesses and fulfill the continuing need for surveillance to enforce the new normal.”

“I can confirm Andy’s perspective,” Newsom added. “Snitches have been very effective in my state. If even a single individual sets foot in a closed area like a beach or hiking trail, informers will alert the police and an arrest can be made. The fines imposed on violators will be used to help make up for revenue shortfalls due to all the closed businesses.”

“So you’re saying that all the jobs lost in the nonessential sector can be offset by creating these new jobs spying on neighbors?” Bill asked. “That doesn’t seem possible.”

“I don’t think we’re saying that domestic spies will be the only newly created jobs,” Cuomo answered. “There’ll have to be records clerks, supervisors, regional managers, etc. And since we’re creating a permanent class of new crimes we’ll need that infrastructure to be built and manned—police, judges, prison guards, wardens. We’ll probably also have to invest more in a media campaign to ensure that the hysteria level is maintained. This will create even more new jobs.”

Movie Pans Green Energy

Filmmaker and Bernie Sanders supporter Michael Moore’s new movie “Planet of the Humans” characterizes so-called green energy as just another crony capitalist scam. “We went into this project hoping to prove the superiority of green energy,” Moore said. “We found out otherwise.”

“Consider, the solar panels needed to generate electricity are made with metallurgical coal and require 16 times more materials in the form of cement, glass, and steel than do nuclear plants, and create 300 times more waste,” Moore observed. “Then there are the renewable bio-fuels that are produced using tractors that run on diesel, use water pumped by electricity, most often from fossil fuel power plants, and are delivered to distilleries powered by electricity with trucks fueled by diesel. The crops used to make bio-fuels use millions of gallons of water annually and require 400 to 750 times more land to produce the fuel than an equivalent amount of petroleum. The bottom line is: green energy can’t prevent climate change, and those saying it can are profiting handsomely from government green energy subsidies and mandates.”

Climate change guru Al Gore called the film “short-sighted. The issue isn’t whether green energy is more or less polluting than fossil fuels. The crucial objective is to transform society, dethrone the fossil fuel corporate barons, and put a new more socially acceptable elite in charge. The hundreds of millions of dollars I personally have reaped along the way are irrelevant. Moore’s film has seriously undermined the attainment of this objective. I urge all who believe in me to shun this movie and its maker.”

Biden Reveals His Coronavirus Plan

After weeks of negative comments on how President Trump is handling the coronavirus crisis, presumptive Democratic presidential nominee former Vice-President Joe Biden has finally said what he would have done if he had been in office when the pandemic arose.

“In addition to doing everything Trump has done, only faster and harder, I would have lowered the flag to half mast in honor of all those who died,” Biden boasted. “I would have banned travel from China before anyone in the US got the virus. Then I would have immediately canceled all mass gatherings at sporting events, churches, concerts, and anywhere else. Unlike Trump, I would have stopped all nonessential activities and ordered everyone to shelter at home rather than leaving it up to governors to do this dirty work. Most importantly, I would have reunified the nation like President Johnson did after the Civil War.”

Biden’s plan got an “across the aisle” endorsement from Sen. Mitt Romney (R-Utah). “I was greatly encouraged to see that the former Vice-President and I are on the same page regarding the proper COVID response plan. I guess great minds really do think alike.”

Michigan Gov Shuts Down Improvised Drive-in Theater

Canterbury Village’s plans to set up an improvised drive-in movie theater with 20′ by 20′ spaces for each car and the audio broadcast over a local FM radio station were halted by megalomaniac Gov. Gretchen Whitmer (D).

Whitmer explained that “the legislature granted me absolute power to handle the COVID crisis as I see fit. One of the things that I have shutdown across the state is movie theaters. Just because the folks at Canterbury Village were able to ensure the required minimum social distancing at their improvised outdoor theater doesn’t mean they get a pass from me. In my view, a few cannot be permitted to evade the suffering imposed on the many just because they are more inventive or clever. As long as I am in charge, until all can see movies, none shall see movies.”

The Governor neglected to mention that the power granted to her by the legislature expired at midnight on April 30. She claims that “once given the power it is mine until I decide to relinquish it. Polls show that 70% of the voters favor my strict controls over them. Given this level of popular support the legislature is powerless against me. I am seen as the only one who is capable of safeguarding the health of every person in the state. For this to work I must have immediate and unquestioning obedience from every resident to every order I issue for as long this virus is with us.”

Docs Say Hydroxychloroquine 91 Percent Successful

A solid refutation of the media meme contending that President Trump is an idiot for suggesting that a malaria drug could be a “game changer” in the battle against the coronavirus was delivered by a report from the Association of American Physicians and Surgeons (AAPS) showing that 91% of 2,333 patients treated with hydroxychloroquine benefited from the drug.

Dr. Anthony Fauci, head of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, funder of the Wuhan lab experimenting with the coronavirus, and the chief medical adviser to the White House Coronavirus Task Force, downplayed these findings saying that “in my mind this was not a valid test of the therapy. We need to have a test where half of the patients are given this drug and half are given a placebo before I could recommend a widespread reliance on this therapy. If we do this and most of those in the placebo group die, then we will have proof that the therapy is safe and effective compared to no treatment. That’s the scientific ‘gold standard’ comparison that the FDA demands before it will approve a drug for a specific illness.”

AAPS president Dr. Albert Fisher rejected Fauci’s view calling it “a deadly error in the face of a pandemic. Doctors who treat patients must put their patients’ interest ahead of any other concern. The objective is to save the life and restore the health of every patient by using whatever methods seem best. The experience in the field that Dr. Fauci casually dismisses as ‘anecdotal’ shows which therapies are working and which are not. Doctors should quickly adopt what is working. Demanding that lives be intentionally endangered as Dr. Fauci recommends just to satisfy an FDA bureaucratic ‘gold standard’ is medical malpractice.”

After being apprised of the AAPS study, President Trump tweeted “maybe I picked to the wrong guy to advise the task force.”

House Will Not Return to DC

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) has decided “against returning to Washington for the foreseeable future. With so many of our members being in the decrepit geezers cohort of the population, it’s just too dangerous. We’re going to follow Dr. Fauci’s advice and shelter at home until a COVID vaccine is developed.”

The Speaker hastened to reassure concerned citizens “not to worry about us. We’ll be okay. As essential government workers our full salaries continue to be paid. So even the poorest among us will be able to survive for the duration. On top of this, we’ll be saving taxpayers the cost of paying for our travel back-and-forth from our districts to the capital.”

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Black Dems Face Retribution

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Democratic Party leaders in Georgia and Michigan have targeted two state legislators for punishment. The “crime” of which both are accused is “breaking our party’s united front against the Trump menace,” said state Rep. James Beverly (D-Macon), chairman of the party’s House caucus.

Georgia state representative Vernon Jones (D-DeKalb) made the “mistake” of praising the positive impacts on African Americans of Trump’s economic and prison-reform policies. Beverly pointed out that “it is our Party’s position that nothing Trump does is worthy of approval. Everything must be condemned if we hope to unseat him in the November election. There must be no defectors, no weak links among the Party faithful. To maintain discipline, we must sanction Jones in a meaningful way.”

State Rep. Scott Holcomb (D-DeKalb) labeled Jones “an incompetent narcissist. Even if he personally disagrees with the Party he has an obligation to keep his opinions to himself. Publicly standing against us violates his primary political duty.”

In Michigan, State Rep. Karen Whitsett (D-Detroit) dared to publicly thank President Trump for calling attention to hydroxychloroquine as a possible therapy for COVID-19, claiming “it saved my life.” This came after Gov. Gretchen Whitmer (D-Mich) had banned this therapy in the state.

District Democrat Party Chairman Jonathan Kinloch complained that “Whitsett’s going around the Governor’s ban was the last straw. If she had quietly undergone the therapy without going public—like many others in the Party have done—we’d have no beef. By doing what she did and publicly thanking Trump she brought discredit to the Governor and the Party. This cannot go unpunished.”

Social Media Giants Vow to Squelch Dissent

The corporate moguls in control of Facebook, YouTube, and Twitter have all promised to censor users “who try to spread misinformation about COVID-19 and undermine the government’s policy of shelter in place,” said creepy Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg. “Posts that try to minimize the threat of the virus or spur opposition to the lockdowns intended to fight the contagion will be removed. The collective well-being of all depends upon unanimous obedience to the directives our government has issued. If we let a trickle of dissent go unchecked the entire dike holding back disaster may crumble.”

YouTube CEO Susan Wojcicki was especially concerned that “the unapproved therapies that we see being suggested by ignorant laymen, or even some doctors, undermine public confidence in the officially recognized and mandated therapies advocated by the World Health Organization. They also fly in the face of edicts issued by various governors like Andrew Cuomo (D-NY) and Gretchen Whitmer (D-Mich). These governors are responsible for determining what’s best for the citizens of their states. Citizens have the obligation to do as they are told. We at YouTube will do our part to help ensure that this happens.”

AOC Asks “Why Ever Go Back to Work?”

Rep. Alexandria Ocasio Cortez (D-NY) urges workers to refuse to go back to their jobs when the country reopens for business.

One thing I think we have learned from the lockdown is that life can be very comfortable,” she observed. “I, for one, have been enjoying the leisure I’ve gained while sheltering at home. I imagine that the same is true for the vast majority of Americans. The unemployment benefits that congress has approved have actually increased the weekly income for large numbers of those who lost their jobs during the shutdown. In New York, for example, unemployment benefits on an annualized basis, amount to a $40,000 per year stipend. On top of this, there are the stimulus checks many families are receiving.”

My question is, given the combination of income available from these government payments and the freedom from wage-slavery so many have enjoyed this last month, why ever go back to work?” she asked. “I mean, the only ones who lost their jobs were working for nonessential businesses. Why should people be forced to work producing nonessential goods and services when they could be spending more time at home doing things they really enjoy? The government has an unlimited authority to create as much money as is needed to pay everyone a living wage . There is no need to herd people into wage-slavery just so they can earn a living.”

From where we are now, we can see the promise land Marx envisioned,” the socialist firebrand said. “We are in a position to rearrange society so that the minority that has the ability and energy to produce essential goods and services does the work necessary to meet the needs of the majority. We can achieve the social justice of the Marxian ethic of ‘from each according to his ability, to each according to his needs’ if we have the backbone to make it happen. I will make this my primary mission after I’m reelected in November.”

L.A. Reiterates Intent to Keep People Inside

Disturbed that people will take the recently announced findings that sunlight kills the COVID-19 virus in a matter of minutes as “an excuse to violate Gov. Newsom’s stay-at-home order,” Los Angeles Police Department Chief Michel Moore reminded that “we are still chasing folks off the beaches and hiking trails.”

Not everyone is physically able to hike on the trails or on the beaches,” Moore pointed out. “To allow those who can would give them an unfair advantage over those who can’t. The Governor says it is important that we all stay on the same page in the fight against the virus. So, until everyone can go outside, no one will be permitted to go outside unless they are essential workers or have prior permission from the government that they may be outside their residence.”

Moore urged “those itching to go outdoors” to “wait until the 200 million masks that the Governor has ordered from China have arrived and can be distributed. That way they can stay within the guidelines and won’t have to worry about being arrested.”

Cuomo’s Incomprehensible Blunder

As the nation’s leader in COVID-19 fatalities, New York officials are searching for the factors that may have contributed to this negative outcome. One factor that may have played a role was Gov. Andrew Cuomo’s (D) March 25th order requiring nursing homes to admit and readmit individuals who tested positive for the virus. While the Governor tried to profess ignorance of his order, Health Commissioner Howard Zucker confirmed it.

I know that in hindsight it looks stupid,” Zucker admitted, “but no one stopped to think about what we were doing. We thought old people belong in nursing homes. It just didn’t occur to us that infected old people ought to be kept separate from uninfected old people. As we know now, this policy was a formula for disaster. Old people are especially susceptible to infection. The death rates skyrocketed. The only saving grace is that we have until November 2022 for voters to forget about this.”

By way of damage control, Gov. Cuomo suggested that “the shortage of personal protective equipment (PPE) for nursing home staff was the weak link in our strategy. I had to beg for these supplies from the federal government and it took some time for them to be manufactured and delivered. That puts the blame firmly on President Trump for not being adequately prepared to deal with the pandemic.” Left unmentioned was Cuomo’s 2015 decision to cut funding for emergency medical supplies from the State’s budget.

Meanwhile, paramedics in New York have been issued a statewide “do-not-resuscitate” directive. Cuomo justified this order, saying “the vast majority of the people EMTs revive end up eventually dying. Rather than waste valuable hospital space on these cases we needed to free-up beds for COVID patients.” Ironically, the 3,000-bed hospital that the US Army set up in New York City’s Javits Center for the COVID emergency remains 99% vacant.

In related news, Cuomo called the increase in domestic violence that has arisen in the wake of increased unemployment and the lockdown “an acceptable trade-off compared to the certain death of allowing people to risk exposure to COVID that would occur if they are allowed to go back to work. The number of battered spouses that are dying during the lockdown is dwarfed by the number of lives saved from the virus. In fact, I think we might want to consider making lockdowns one of the features of the new normal we are building in this country.”

Gov Threatens to Punish Everyone

Gov. Gretchen Whitmer (D-Mich) warned the people of her state that “the continued anti-government antics of a minority may force me to extend the lockdown longer than I originally planned.”

She likened her predicament to that of “a teacher trying to deal with a few unruly students. She’s spoken loudly and sternly. Yet, there are some who insist on mocking and resisting the rules she’s laid out for everyone. Her ultimate weapon is to threaten to cancel recess or keep everyone after school in the hope that she can inspire enough social pressure to contain the offenders. Like that school teacher, I’m now warning all the well-behaved citizens of Michigan that if they cannot stifle their misbehaving neighbors, I will order everyone to stay home until all the demonstrations and criticism cease.”

NJ Gov Demands Bailout

Gov. Phil Murphy (D-NJ) characterized Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell’s opposition to using federal money to bail out New Jersey’s government as “utterly irresponsible.” McConnell suggested that “rather than try to sponge off federal taxpayers, states in financial trouble should file for bankruptcy.”

Murphy started off by threatening to lay off state employees. “Let’s see how McConnell and the Republicans like it when thousands of essential government workers join the ranks of the unemployed,” he said. “The booming economy that Trump and the GOP are counting on to win the election would be further set back.”

Murphy also chastised McConnell’s aversion to forcing more fiscally prudent states to cover the deficits accrued by the more profligate states like New Jersey. “This is not the time to point fingers,” Murphy asserted. “This is the time for us all to come together as one family. It’s like you’ve got a brother who squandered all his share of the family inheritance on booze and gambling. You don’t throw him out on the street. You share what you have with him.”

The pensions we have promised our state employees are in danger of being under-funded,” Murphy pointed out. “Should we have not made these promises? Maybe, but that’s all water under the bridge now. The fact is that other states have money and we need it. It is the obligation of the federal government to redistribute the wealth from those who are able to produce it to those of us who need it.”

Chicago to Reclassify Some Homicides

Under the direction of Mayor Lori Lightfoot, Chicago—gun homicide capital of the United States—has begun reclassifying incidents in which a murder victim was shot from a distance of six feet or more as COVID-19 fatalities.

Since the shooters in these cases are observing the social distancing rules—we determined that COVID-19 guidelines were the key contributing factor in these deaths,” the Mayor explained. “By reclassifying these deaths, the City will receive payments from the federal government that would not be available if the deaths were allowed to be officially attributed to a non-COVID-19 cause.”

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Michigan Gov Warns Protesters

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

This week, thousands of Michigan citizens circled the state capitol to demonstrate their opposition to Gov. Gretchen Whitmer’s tyranny. The Governor labeled this protest “irresponsible” and threatened to impose further restrictions on liberty.

“These people need to understand that this is not South Dakota,” she warned. “Just because Gov Noem (R-SD) was too weak to impose a stay-at-home edict on the residents of her state shouldn’t be taken as encouragement for Michiganers to disobey my orders. Her quaint notion that the people of her state can be trusted to act like responsible adults is dangerous and intolerable during this time of crisis. Clearly, it is up to us in government to protect everyone from the consequences of their own bad decisions. That includes the bad decision to ignore the directives we have issued for their own good.”

Whitmer is said to be mulling extending and intensifying the statewide lockdown. “I’m thinking that the license plate numbers gathered by the police during the protest could be useful for identifying those in need of further restrictions,” she said. “I hear that in China, the police welded disobedient citizens inside their homes. Alternatively, we could use ankle bracelets to enforce the kind of house-arrest these deviants deserve.”

Gov. Noem challenged the notion that she is weak, saying “I am the governor of a free people, not a dictator. In America, every person has an unalienable right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. As a government official it is my obligation to defend these rights. During this pandemic my approach has been to try to keep everyone as informed as possible so they can make their own decisions on how to cope with the virus. I am confident that a free people can come out of this crisis in better shape than a terrified and submissive people.”

In related news, Gov. Phil Murphy (D-NJ) rebuffed criticism that his shutdown of the state has excessively infringed upon freedom of religion, freedom of assembly, and freedom of speech, claiming that “enforcing the Bill of Rights is not my responsibility. It wasn’t part of the oath I swore when I took office and there’s no law that says I have to protect these so-called rights.”

Former AG Hails COVID-19 as “Opportunity”

Eric Holder, former Attorney General during the Obama presidency, boasted that “this current crisis gives us an opportunity to permanently revamp our electoral system. The duress created by the economic shutdown calls for urgent government action to ease the suffering of those thrown out of work. This gives the Democratic Party leverage to hold up any relief measures until our demands for voting reform are met.”

According to Holder, these “reforms” entail “elimination of voter ID, automatic voter registration for anyone receiving government benefits, prevention of voter registrations being purged for inactivity, universal vote-by-mail, and ballot harvesting. Each of these reforms will ensure that a maximum number of ballots can be cast and counted.”

Holder admitted that “in some cases this could result in more votes being cast than there are registered voters,” but asserted that “this would be preferable to the current system where there are fewer votes cast and counted than there are registered voters. Voting is a human right. It is better that some exercise this right more than once per election than that there be a shortfall because some potential votes aren’t cast or counted.”

Biden Unveils His Post-Pandemic Economic Policy

Presumptive Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden called for “a return to the kind of big ideas approach that FDR used to revive the economy during the Great Depression. We can’t afford to wait around for the private sector to make the investments that will be needed to turn things around from the wasteland Trump has inflicted on America.”

“Look at what’s happened during this pandemic,” Biden urged. “The private sector that Trump praises on a daily basis is where all the economic carnage has taken place. It’s there we find shuttered businesses and laid off employees. Compare this to the government sector where no agency has been shuttered and no one has been laid off. The message is clear, if we hope to return America to prosperity, government needs to play a bigger role.”

“A blueprint for investment ideas that will revive the economy can be found in the Green New Deal,” he maintained. “The private sector has to find an efficient way to meet consumer demand. This hampers the pace of investment compared to what the government can do. Government doesn’t need market research to guide its decisions. Huge sums of money can be committed without regard to whether there are any profits down the road. Likewise, government can continue to provide goods and services even if there are no profits—as we have seen the US Post Office do for decades.”

“This November, voters will have a stark choice to make,” the Candidate observed. “They can either choose to continue the fragile capitalistic system that Trump wants to impose on everyone. Or they can escape to the robust alternative I am offering. Government never goes out of business. Government employees never lose their jobs. I think most will vote for the security and stability that a Democratic Administration will deliver.”

In related “big idea” news, Rep. Tim Ryan (D-Ohio) and Rep. Ro Khanna (D-Calif) have introduced legislation that would send a $2,000 check every month to every American over the age of 16 until unemployment falls to pre-pandemic levels. “The beauty of this plan is that this is more than minimum-wage workers are paid,” Ryan boasted. “This pretty much will force businesses to offer more than $2,000 per month to attract needed employees. Even more important, though, is that the unemployment level just before the pandemic was the lowest ever recorded. It’s unlikely we’ll ever match that again, especially if Democrats win control of the White House and both houses of congress in November. This means the $2,000 monthly payments will never end.”

Democrat Endorses Trump

This week, Georgia State Rep. Vernon Jones (D) announced he is supporting President Trump’s reelection. “There are a lot of African Americans who clearly see and appreciate he’s doing something that’s never been done before,” Jones said. “When you look at the unemployment rates among black Americans before the pandemic, they were at historic lows. When we add in his support for historically black colleges and his criminal justice initiatives, Trump has done more for African Americans than any president since Lincoln. I had to endorse his campaign.”

“Compare what Trump has done to what Biden has done,” Jones urged. “A generation of African American families have been devastated by draconian policies that Joe Biden supported and voted for when he served in the U.S. Senate. As a candidate for president Biden’s proposals would do nothing to help African Americans prosper. He is content to keep a large segment of African Americans in welfare Hell.”

The chairwoman of Georgia’s Democratic Party, Nikema Williams vowed “retribution for this disloyalty to the Party. Trump’s insistence on pushing Blacks into the workforce amounts to a return to slavery. The Democratic Party and our presidential nominee Vice-President Biden have worked hard to give our people the lifestyle of subsidized leisure so many currently enjoy. Jones’ undermining of this accomplishment will turn voters against him and the racist president he endorsed.”

Disagreement on Blame for Coronavirus

Sen. Josh Hawley (R-Mo) has introduced legislation called the Justice for Victims of COVID-19 Act. If passed, this bill would enable victims of the virus to sue the Chinese Government for damages. “There is overwhelming evidence that the Chinese Communist Party’s lies, deceit, and incompetence caused COVID-19 to transform from a local disease outbreak into a global pandemic. We need to empower Americans and other victims around the world to recover damages.”

Sen. Chris Murphy (D-Conn) disagreed and insisted that “Trump, not China is to blame for the coronavirus global pandemic. For more than three years I’ve had the chance to observe the depredations wreaked on this country by Trump. He is the most unqualified and dangerous person to ever hold the office of president. Clearly, Trump is the greater threat. Even if the virus came from China—some are persuaded that the US Army started the contagion in the Wuhan Province of China, a clear act of war, in my opinion—Trump has only made it worse by his blunders over the past three months. If the Republican senators had not blocked his conviction on the impeachment charges we wouldn’t be in the mess we’re now in.”

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) sided with Murphy, charging that “Trump’s poor response is the cause of all the suffering in this country. His repeated attempts to blame China and to punish the World Health Organization (WHO) for siding with China are despicable.”

Angered at WHO for repeating the Chinese Governments false statements about the virus, President Trump has temporarily paused US subsidies to WHO pending further investigation of their role in disseminating Chinese propaganda on this issue.

Pelosi labeled this pause “illegal and dangerous. The United States’ contributions are WHO’s largest source of income. President Trump has no authority to stop the flow of this money without congressional approval—which can’t be attained right now because we’re all sheltering-in-place away from Washington. Luckily, I have a year’s supply of fifty different flavors of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream sequestered in my $5,000 super-duper cold freezer in my basement. Faced with the choice of risking my life by traveling to DC to conduct congressional business and staying safe and well-fed on my favorite food…well, it’s a no brainer decision.”

NYC Inflates COVID-19 Death Toll

This week, New York City added 3,700 deaths to its COVID-19 total. Mayor Bill de Blasio’s press secretary Freddi Goldstein explained that “the Mayor pointed out that since the feds are paying $13,000 for each reported COVID-19 death we could improve the City’s financial situation by attributing as many deaths to the virus as we could. So, we went through all the death certificates since the beginning of the year to see which could be plausibly revised to show COVID-19 as the cause of death.”

“Let me give you a couple of examples to illustrate what we’ve done. In cases where a person died at home of natural causes, if that person was older than 65 or lived in a zip code where a majority of persons from that zip code who had been tested for the virus showed up positive for COVID, this person would be counted as having died of COVID. In cases where a person died in a hospital, if any of the nurses or doctors working at the hospital have tested positive for COVID, this person would be counted as having died of COVID. If a body is found on the street with no evidence of foul play, since New York City is a designated COVID hot spot, this person would be counted as having died of COVID.”

“The $48 million in extra revenue from the federal government that we will earn from this reclassification will make a small dent in the deficit that is accruing from the lockdown,” Goldstein added. “The extra COVID deaths may also help the City’s case for an additional $7 billion in federal aid needed to restart the City’s economy.”

Meanwhile, Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D-NY) admitted that “President Trump has delivered for New York. He has quickly responded to meet all of our needs. I just wish he wasn’t so mean to me. He didn’t have to mention that I passed up an opportunity to buy ventilators back in 2015. He didn’t have to mentioned that I discounted the seriousness of the COVID-19 threat six weeks ago. He didn’t have to be so public about having to make up for my errors when everybody else had already forgotten about them.”

Gov Tells Virginians to Adapt to “New Normal”

Gov. Ralph Northam (D-Va) extended his ordered state shutdown to May 8, but isn’t optimistic that business and life “will ever be the same as it used to be.”

“Given that there won’t be a vaccine anytime soon, as well as the probability that, at best, it may only be partially effective, it looks like the COVID virus will be around a long time,” he pointed out. “The shelter-in-place I ordered is working. Not only are we flattening the curve and saving people from dying of the virus, we are also saving people from the perils of unnecessary travel. With less travel there are fewer crashes and the air is less polluted. I’m reluctant to give up these gains.”

“I reject the contention that the cost of the shutdown is too great to bear,” the Governor said. “My order was limited to nonessential activities. While this has required many people to drastically change the way they live, I think it is a good trade-off. Think about it. Is there ever any need to put up with nonessential activities? Isn’t spending time and money on nonessential things an unnecessary burden on society? Between the lives saved and the efficiencies achieved by eliminating the nonessential behaviors we have mindlessly incorporated into our daily routine, it looks to me that adapting to a ‘new normal’ is the way to go.”

Meanwhile in North Carolina, in accord with the orders of Gov. Roy Cooper (D), police broke up a protest against the state’s closed economy on the grounds that “protesting is a ‘nonessential activity’ that is explicitly banned by the governor.”

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Abuse of Authority Intensifies

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Apprised of incidents in which children have been playing inside the homes of friends in their neighborhood, Michigan Gov. Gretchen Whitmer (D) has issued an immediate cease and desist decree. “Stay-at-home means stay at your home,” she explained. “A neighbor’s home is not your home. Neither you nor your children may enter any home other than your own. Violators are subject to fine or imprisonment. For those who imply that I’ve gone too far, let me remind them that Dr. Michael Ryan, epidemiologist and executive director of the World Health Organization’s Health Emergencies Program has recommended forcibly removing family members who represent a health threat to the household. I still have that option in my back pocket.”

In Massachusetts, police ticketed people participating in a church service while seated in their cars for violating the State’s “shelter in place order.” While this was happening Superior Court Judge Heidi Brieger ordered that convicted child rapist Glenn Christie be released from jail “so he won’t die of the coronavirus. Mr. Christie didn’t kill the child he repeatedly raped. He wasn’t sentenced to death. His continued incarceration during this pandemic violates the Constitution’s prohibition of cruel and unusual punishment.”

In Virginia, the Lighthouse Fellowship on Chincoteague Island was fined $2500 for holding a church service for 16 parishioners. Though the 16 were each kept more than ten feet apart in the 293-seat church, a spokesman for Gov. Ralph Northam (D) justified the penalty on the grounds that “the Governor has banned all gatherings of more than ten people, no matter how far apart they may be. The issue is whether people do or don’t obey the rules laid down for them by the State. If they don’t they should expect to be punished.”

In Pennsylvania, Gov. Tom Wolf (D) ordered police to confiscate ventilators from hospitals that had the foresight to be prepared for a medical emergency so they can be transferred to hospitals that did not prepare. Since there is an existing Statewide Mutual Aid Agreement that already provides for assistance among health care organizations to support each other in times of supply, equipment, and/or staffing shortages, many questioned the need for Wolf’s intervention. Wolf explained that “I need to be seen as a decisive leader during this crisis. Ordering people to do something that they’re already doing is a non-obtrusive way for me to get the visibility I need to bolster the voters’ confidence in my role.”

In Vermont, Gov. Phil Scott (R) has ordered stores to stop selling vegetable seeds because “they are nonessential.” He discounted claims that customers needed the seeds to grow their own food, calling them “unqualified. They don’t have ag degrees or any prior experience. Growing food should be left to professional farmers. All others can buy food at the supermarket like normal people do.”

In Los Angeles, Mayor Eric Garcetti is implementing a “snitches get riches” program “to incentivize neighbors to rat each other out for violating my stay-at-home order.” Garcetti contrasted his “more humane approach to the type of intimidation that was so successfully deployed in the former Soviet Union. We will get similar results—widespread obedience—with less bloodshed. Many residents hate their neighbors. This will give them an opportunity to turn that hatred into cash while making the community a better place.”

Biden Shows Trump How to Be Presidential

Invigorated by rival Sen. Bernie Sanders exit from the race for the Democratic presidential nomination, former Vice-President Joe Biden turned his attention to the general election with a flurry of health policy initiatives that he says “will differentiate me from the failed incumbent.”

“Statistics show that more men than women are dying from the coronavirus,” he observed. “Yet, at the same time sex-change surgery has been classified as ‘elective’ rather than ‘essential’ medical care. One of the first actions I will take as president will be to reclassify these surgeries as ‘essential.’ Men should have the option to increase their chances of surviving the pandemic by becoming women. I will ensure that they have this option.”

In place of what he called “the ineffectual measures Trump has taken toward this virus. I have recruited Dr. Ezekiel Emanuel, the genius behind Obamacare, to head up my administration’s medical task force. He has some refreshing and innovative ideas that will totally transform the way we deliver health care in this country.”

One of Emanuel’s “refreshing ideas” is that “no one should want to live past the age of 75. Very few have much to offer society past this age. Most are a net drain on resources. Inasmuch as the coronavirus pretty selectively kills off those older than 75, letting the disease take its course will reduce the burden of having to care for so many individuals of low social value.”

Emanuel also urged that “we should relish the opportunity that the economic shutdown currently in place has given us to test out a radical restructuring of the way we live. By eliminating all nonessential production we have reduced the number of persons who have to work for a living. Only a small minority is required to operate the essential functions. The needs of the many can be met by the toil of the most able and energetic few. Labor-free leisure as a lifestyle for the vast majority is now within our grasp. That vast majority will provide the votes that make the Democratic Party the permanent ruling Party in this country.”

Planned Parenthood Launches Tele-Health Service

While some governors have declared that abortions are an “essential” service that must remain open during the shutdown, others have declared that abortion is a “nonessential” elective surgery. In an effort to overcome the ban on abortions in some states, Planned Parenthood is providing a “do-it-yourself” instructional video service.

“In this time of pandemic it should be clear that getting an abortion is more necessary than ever,” said PP spokesperson Adora Slaughter. “Elective surgeries are procedures that can be postponed without harm. A postponed abortion, though, leads to irreversible harm. An unwanted baby will inevitably be born within a matter of months in every case and have negative ripple effects for decades.”

“In states where we are not permitted to continue this vital health service at our abattoir facilities, patients will be able to view our video tutorial and, with the aid of a don’t-want-to-be-father, perform the procedure at home,” Slaughter advised. “In some important ways, the procedure is simpler than a lot of the recipes that cooking shows lead viewers through as they recreate the tasty dishes of master chefs. For one, the finished product doesn’t have to come out whole. A piece-by-piece extraction can satisfactorily do the job. It may be messier than hiring professionals to do the work, but it allows a woman to accomplish her objective on her own.”

Fauci Defends Exaggerated Death Forecasts

A recent study conducted in an early “hot spot” of COVID-19 in the Gangelt district of Heinsberg concluded that the actual death rate was 0.37%–one-fifth of Germany’s officially reported numbers. In Minnesota, Dr. Scott Jensen says he received a 7-page Center for Disease Control document coaching him to fill out death certificates in a way that overstates the number of COVID-19 deaths. He also suggested that the payment rules giving a hospital a “bonus” for attributing a death to this virus might also skew the official data.

White House adviser Dr. Anthony Fauci brushed aside the above reports, calling them “anecdotal and unreliable. Whether they might be true isn’t as important as the fact that they do not convey the message we were trying to communicate that the population needed to be sequestered in order to slow the spread of the disease. Do you think people would’ve willingly yielded their freedom of movement if they knew that the chance of dying from this virus was less than half of one-percent and that most of that was comprised of elderly persons with prior severe health issues?”

“It was imperative that we shock people into obedience to directives that under normal circumstances would’ve been considered extreme and even tyrannical,” Fauci explained. “It was for their own good and for the good of society. We flattened the curve and have spread the inevitable death toll over many months rather than have had it compacted into a shorter time frame. This extended many eventual victims’ lives by a few months. Isn’t that a valuable achievement?”

“We are also able to enjoy the benefits of lower traffic and less automobile pollution during the shutdown,” the Doctor pointed out. “Maybe people will come to realize that being shut in their homes isn’t all bad if it means we can have cleaner air and a cleaner environment. Maybe they will realize that having to work so hard just so they can buy more useless stuff isn’t as appealing as enjoying more leisure and a more modest lifestyle living on a government stipend. This pandemic gave us the chance to experience a new way of life that we may find is better than the old rut everyone was forced into under capitalism.”

Pelosi Refuses to Condemn Looting

Many of the “nonessential” businesses in House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s hometown of San Francisco have been looted. Others are boarding up all their windows in a desperate attempt to discourage looters.

Pelosi averred that “we shouldn’t be too quick to condemn people who are only trying to survive in tough times. Unemployment is at heights we haven’t seen in decades. Many have no incomes. On top of this, when times were better many of these businesses were price-gouging. So, I can see where there might be pent up anger driving some of the expropriations taking place.”

“I would advise people to take the time to consider whether what they call looting isn’t justifiable redistribution of property,” she recommended. “Who should own the goods hidden behind the boarded-up windows? Those who have legal title under our antiquated laws? Or those who need them? The only problem I see is that the do-it-yourself redistribution is inefficient. A lot of the merchandise gets damaged. Some who lack the skill to take what they need are left out of the redistribution attained by the looters. The Democratic Party has been aware of the inequities and inefficiencies inherent in our current economic arrangements for decades. If voters give our Party a majority in Congress and control of the presidency this November we can fix these problems.”

Schiff Demands FEC Fine Trump Campaign

While front line health professionals are waging a 24/7 battle to care for COVID-19 patients, the Trump campaign has been using donated funds to buy meals to feed some of these workers. Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif), leader of the recent attempt to impeach and remove President Trump from office, is demanding that the Federal Election Commission penalize the campaign for “this misappropriation of campaign funds.”

“Campaign funds are supposed to be used for campaign activities, not acts of benevolence,” Schiff complained. “Donors give campaign contributions expecting that it will be used to win elections or purchase favorable laws or policies. The sort of deviation that the Trump organization is engaged in is unfair to those of us who follow the rules.”

Schiff expressed the hope that “the FEC will come down hard on these guys. Maybe fines triple the amount they spent on the donated meals, ankle-bracelets for the campaign staff guilty of this infringement, and phone-taps to help deter future repetition of any similar illegal uses of funds. Meanwhile, I will be adding this charge to the next impeachment motion the House files against President Trump.”

Brad Parscale, manager for Trump’s 2020 reelection campaign, dismissed Schiff’s accusation as “pure nonsense. We are not only campaigners for Trump. We are also human beings. We are confident that the people who have donated to the President’s reelection approve of our effort to show appreciation for those busy saving lives during this health crisis. Our donors are also normal human beings. I shudder to imagine what kind of people donate to the campaign of someone as vile and reprehensible as Mr. Schiff.”

Democrat Denounced for Praising Trump

Michigan Democratic state Rep. Karen Whitsett praised President Trump for mentioning hydroxychloroquine. “It saved my life,” she said. “If he hadn’t talked about it on TV I never would have known to ask my doctor to prescribe it for me.”

Michigan’s Democratic Gov. Gretchen Whitmer expressed extreme displeasure “with Ms. Whitsett’s selfish behavior. The Democratic Party is battling to save the country from this monster getting reelected. The last thing we need is for one of our own to break ranks and praise him for anything.”

“First of all, there is no proof that this drug saved Ms. Whitsett’s life,” Whitmer argued. “Dr. Fauci, the nation’s foremost expert on coronavirus, says that the drug is unproven and dangerous. But even if it did, Ms. Whitsett putting her own survival ahead of the Party’s needs is unforgivably disloyal. She should have died before she said anything to undermine our Party’s primary objective. I just hope her words are forgotten by election day.”

Did China Burn Virus Victims Alive?

Residents of Wuhan, China claim to have heard the screams of coronavirus victims being burned alive in the local funeral home crematorium. While there is no official confirmation of this happening, it would account for the gap between the government’s admitted 3,000+ deaths and the seeming disappearance of more than 20,000 individuals from the town since the epidemic began.

On the other hand, Tedros Adhanom, head of the World Health Organization credited “the Chinese Government’s extreme intervention for crushing the epidemic. They didn’t hesitate to confine people in their homes, even going so far as to weld them inside if necessary. Did they burn anybody alive? Possibly, but sometimes harsh methods are warranted by dire circumstances. So I wouldn’t be so hasty to condemn them if they did.”

“I ask that critics compare China’s firm approach with the weak actions of Trump,” Adhanon urged. “Trump merely asked people to wash their hands and socially distance themselves. He didn’t order them to do anything. He even suggested that patients and doctors should have the freedom to try unproven therapies. What he should have done is made everyone wait until a vaccine is ready and mandate that everyone take it, like his adviser Dr. Fauci wants to do.”

The earliest a vaccine is expected to be available for combating the COVID-19 virus is twelve to eighteen months. Based on past experience with flu vaccines, it is unlikely that a vaccine for COVID-19 would be effective for most recipients.

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Schumer Appalled by Trump Letter

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) expressed his disgust at “Trump’s unpresidential response to my criticism of his failures. Rather than graciously acknowledge his deficiencies and resign from office, he defended his leadership during the COVID-19 crisis, corrected my so-called inaccuracies, and called me a bad senator.”

Trump rebutted the Senator’s criticisms by pointing out that “his demand that I appoint a ‘czar’ to lead us in this crisis conveniently ignores the fact that Vice-President Pence has already been appointed to head up our effort and that Rear Admiral John Polowczyk is in charge of purchasing and distributing medical supplies. His complaint that I have left the states to fend for themselves is demonstrably false. We have given lots of aid to his state of New York—much of it to make up for shortages resulting from prior poor decisions by Governor Cuomo.”

Schumer jumped at the chance to disprove Trump’s assertion that New York state officials were slow to take effective action against the virus, “why just yesterday, the legislature agreed to increase Gov. Cuomo’s salary to $250,000 by 2021. This will make him the highest paid governor in the United States. Clearly, this shows that the Party appreciates Gov. Cuomo’s earlier decision to save New York from having to pay $600 million for 16,000 ventilators that the federal government is now going to give us free of charge. He also lead a drive to shut down hospitals. Now the feds are giving us new hospitals, also free of charge. Gov. Cuomo is smarter than all the other governors who foolishly made their own taxpayers fund emergency medical supplies. That shows the kind of heads-up thinking that the country needs from our next president.”

Biden to Take “Hands-on” Approach to Find Running Mate

The presumptive Democratic presidential nominee, former Vice-President Joe Biden renewed his pledge “to have a woman be my running mate” and vowed he will “take a hands-on approach to vetting the field of contenders.”

One that has recently garnered Biden’s attention is Michigan Gov. Gretchen Whitmer. “She looks like she has what it will take to serve under me when I’m president,” he said. “That 180 degree turn she took on that malaria drug—first banning it in her state, then demanding the feds supply her with it—showed that she has moves. She also has some of the most alluring hair I’ve never touched.”

“I’m not saying she’s the one, though,” the Veep added. “There are others I’ve got to feel out to see if they measure up to my expectations and needs as head-of-state. As I recall, there were a few women in some of those debates that might do, though I can’t remember their names right now. And let’s not forget the transgenders. Jill and I have always liked the transgenders. Having someone like Georgia Gov. Stacey Abrams as my vice-president would be historic.”

Pelosi Calls for Investigation

This week, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) announced the creation of the House Select Committee on the Coronavirus Crisis. House Intelligence Committee Chairman Adam Schiff (D-Calif), leader of this year’s unsuccessful attempt to remove Trump from office via impeachment, is expected to head up this ad hoc committee.

President Trump has questioned the timing of this announcement and suggested that “we win the war against this virus rather than wasting precious time and scarce resources trying to allocate blame now. After we’ve won this war we can assess what went wrong and what went right so we can be better prepared for future medical emergencies.”

To bolster his suggestion, Trump recalled that “when Gov. Dewey—one of the great New York governors—was running against FDR in the 1944 election there were some urging him to support a congressional investigation of the Pearl Harbor disaster and why we were unprepared for the Japanese attack. While acknowledging that such an investigation might help him win the election, he declined to support it saying ‘I’d rather lose an election than lose a war.’ He put patriotism ahead of politics. Why can’t we do that now?”

“Need I point out that Dewey lost that election?” Pelosi retorted. “Given that Trump is a far more serious threat to the country than the virus, I can assure you that we Democrats will not be using Dewey as a model for us to emulate. Despite our best efforts over the past three years to save the nation from the incompetence and evil intent manifested by Trump, the peril has only grown worse. We owe it to the American people to use any means and every opportunity to end the nightmare that began on November 8, 2016 as soon as possible. If our inquiry distracts Trump from carrying out his inept actions during the crisis, so much the better.”

In other insane news, Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) and Rep. Ayanna Pressley (D-Mass) are demanding that Health and Human Services Secretary Alex Azar compile statistics on the race of COVID-19 patients. “We need to know whether minorities are suffering in numbers disproportionate to their share of the total population,” Warren said. “If they are that will be more evidence of the racist impacts of the Trump Administration’s handling of this crisis.”

New IG Report Reveals Rampant Corruption in FISA Program

While the news is inundated with stories about the COVID-19 pandemic, Inspector General of the Department of Justice Michael Horowitz issued a new report on the FISA program. His terse conclusion that “we do not have confidence in FBI policy compliance” grossly understated the gravity of the Agency’s transgressions.

The most alarming finding in this report is that 96% of the FISA applications requesting permission to spy on American citizens contained serious errors or omissions. These included “unverified, inaccurate, and inadequately supported allegations” that were used to get the FISA court to authorize the spying.

James Comey, FBI Director overseeing these defective requests to spy on Americans, insists that “these were all honest mistakes. Maybe we were a little sloppy in our zeal to prevent the unqualified Donald Trump from being elected president and exercising the powers entrusted to that office, but our intentions were good.”

As proof of his own good intentions, Comey pointed out that former CIA director John Brennan and former director of national intelligence James Clapper “also spied on Americans and lied about it under oath when they testified before Congress. When all the top intelligence professionals are simultaneously breaking the law and lying about it you’ve got to figure they have darn good cause for doing it.”

Petty Tyranny Pops Up Around the USA

Malibu, California: A man paddle-boarding in the Pacific Ocean off the coast was arrested and taken away in handcuffs for violating the state’s social distancing rules. He now faces a fine of up to $1,000 and/or a jail stint of up to six months. Earlier in the week, a lone surfer was arrested and fined $1,000. A spokesperson for Gov. Gavin Newsom explained that “while the fact that this perp was more than hundreds of feet from any other person might seem to be within the guidelines, it is not up to individuals to make this interpretation for themselves. Yes, being outdoors to exercise is one of the activities permitted under the stay-at-home order. However, if we are barring pick-up basketball games, which are very popular forms of exercise among African-American youths, it would be racist to allow options favored by whites. The deprivation and suffering must be racially balanced.”

San Francisco: A lone protester praying outside a Planned Parenthood abortion clinic was arrested for violating Gov. Newsom’s stay-at-home order. The arresting officer explained that “even though he was more than the specified ten feet from persons entering and leaving the facility, praying is not exercising. Neither is his contention that the Constitution’s First Amendment right to freedom of religion and freedom of speech takes precedence over the Governor’s order. During a health emergency individual rights must be put aside and everyone obey the orders they are given by their government.”

Laredo, Texas: The city council passed an ordinance requiring all persons over the age of 5 to have their nose and mouth covered when entering public buildings, using public transportation, and pumping gas. Additionally, anyone who is outside his or her residence between the hours of 10 pm and 5 am must have a letter of permission from a recognized authority. Violators are subject to a $1,000 fine or 180 days imprisonment. Thus far, three persons have died with the COVID-19 virus out of a total city population of more than 260,000.

Vermont: The Agency of Commerce and Community Development has ordered Walmart and Target to stop selling nonessential items. Secretary Lindsay Kurrle explained that “even though it might be convenient for consumers to buy such items while they’re shopping for groceries in these stores, it would be unfair to the clothing, housewares, and other stores that have been ordered closed by the governor.”

New York City: Mayor Bill de Blasio threatened to “permanently shut down any church or synagogue that refuses to obey Governor Cuomo’s ‘stay-at-home’ order. No one has the right to endanger the community by failing to comply with the directives of those in charge. Religion is the opiate of the masses. Praying to a non-existent God is a waste of time that can only be tolerated when it doesn’t interfere with the needs of the state.”

Washington, DC: Mayor Muriel Bowser has decreed that anyone who violates his “stay-at-home” order will be faced with a $5,000 fine and 90 days in jail. Mercedes Schlapp, an adviser to President Trump’s re-election campaign, questioned the sanity of this order. “Locking up curfew violators with the kinds of violent criminals that inhabit the City’s jails seems a cruel punishment for such a mild offense,” she tweeted. “And the $5,000 fine seems excessive.” Bowser replied “if you can’t do the time, don’t commit the crime” and added “the $5,000 fine is needed to cover the cost of the violator’s incarceration.”

Mayor Asks Criminals to Postpone Predatory Behavior

Houston Mayor Sylvester Turner went on TV to try to persuade criminals “to wait until the COVID-19 pandemic eases up, before you go out to rob, rape, or murder someone. I know you have needs. I know you have scores to settle. But the risk to your own health at this time is too great. Prey on the wrong person and you could get sick and maybe die. I’m not asking you to give up your careers or stifle your passions. I’m just advising you to be patient so you can violate the law later without undue risk to yourself.”

In related news, the ACLU has called for the release of all prisoners in the COVID-19 high-risk group. Spokesman Bertram Petty charged that “keeping these people confined in jails amounts to a death sentence. We also call for a moratorium on arrests for similar reasons. Putting more people behind bars during the pandemic will lead to more people coming down with the virus. This is an unacceptable violation of their human rights.”

In response, California Gov. Gavin Newsom commuted the sentences of 14 murderers to “time-served” and authorized their immediate release. “We don’t want these men’s blood on our hands,” he explained. “They were sentenced to life or lengthy prison terms, not death.”

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.nistration.”