NY Dems Propose ‘Memory Hole’ Legislation

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnNew York State Assemblyman David Weprin (D-Hollis) State Sen. Tony Avella (D-Queens) have introduced legislation that would empower the state government to order the erasure of Internet content that is “inaccurate, irrelevant, inadequate, or excessive.”

“The way it is now is that any government official can be accused of corruption by anyone who has access to the Internet,” Weprin complained. “Once the accusation is posted it essentially lives forever on the web. This can unfairly taint a person’s reputation. Our bill says that unless an official government investigation and prosecution is undertaken the accusatory content can be ordered removed under threat of a $250 per day fine for everyday it remains undeleted.”

Co-sponsor Avella admitted “I had been very pessimistic about our ability to control the narrative on what can and can’t be posted about public officials. It seems to me that outsiders have too much power to embarrass those of us who serve. Then David told me about something he read in a book where unsanctioned material was regularly removed from the public domain and consigned to what was called a ‘memory hole.’ I thought, this is exactly what we need to defend ourselves from ungrateful citizens.”

Both sponsors acknowledged the possibility that the legislation could have a “chilling effect” on public debate, but asserted that “in our opinion, public debate is already overheated by the intrusion of unqualified participants into the mix. Our bill would not impede genuine journalists, government officials, and elected representatives from expressing themselves. It would clear away the debris left by uninformed amateurs.”

Turkey Warns Europe

Turkey’s President Recep Tayyip Erdogan warned European governments against moves aimed at resisting Islamization of their countries. “Allah has decreed that all the world belongs to Islam,” he declared. “Acceptance of this reality is the path of peaceful submission to Allah’s will. Efforts to reject this reality will only lead to open warfare and the massacre of the unbelievers.”

Erdogan’s bellicose stance was prompted by the European Union’s decision to allow employers to ban head scarves in their workplaces. “They try to portray it as a safety measure,” Erdogan said. “But the lives that would be saved by such a restriction will be dwarfed by the number of infidels who will be slaughtered because of this affront.”

Erdogan’s first step in retaliation for the “affront” was to instruct Turkey’s Interior Minister Suleyman Soylu to implement an increase in refugees crossing into Europe from Turkey to 15,000 per month. “Let me point out that all of these Muslims will have access to knives, clubs, and stones,” Soylu reminded. “Some will obtain guns. Others will choose to drive vehicles into pedestrians on the streets. It isn’t a question of whether Europe will submit to Islam, but rather when and how they will submit. Will it be peaceful or will it require the deaths of millions before Islam rules all the land?”

In related news, Theodore Chuang, the Maryland judge who stayed President Trump’s Executive Order calling for a temporary halt to immigration from six war-torn Middle Eastern and African countries, is said to be weighing whether to order the Trump Administration to double the number of refugees admitted from these countries to 100,000 per year. “The surest way to thwart the anti-Muslim animus of the current illegitimate President and his deplorable supporters is to flood the country with as many Muslims as we can,” Chuang argued. “Likewise, the surest way to put and end to terrorism is to convert the entire world to Islam. Rather than attempt to carry out a doomed ‘vetting’ scheme, the smarter policy is to remove the need for jihad.”

Tax Returns Prove Trump Not So Smart

This week, MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow used an illegally obtained copy of Donald Trump’s 2005 federal tax forms to assail the President as “not as smart as he wants everyone to believe he is.” The evidence cited by Maddow was that the tax forms showed Trump paid 25% of his income for 2005 to the federal government.

“Here’s this so-called business genius coughing up a quarter of his earnings to the feds,” she mocked. “This compared unfavorably to presumed financial naifs Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill) and Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-Vt), who paid 18.7% and 13.5%, respectively. It looks like the guys who know nothing about business or economics did a better job of shielding their income from taxes than Trump did.”

Whether Maddow’s “coup” is all she imagined it would be has come into question. Presidential Press Secretary Sean Spicer suggested that “as a businessman, Donald Trump’s objective was to generate wealth and income, not minimize his personal tax rate. His actions undoubtedly provided job opportunities and income for many other individuals who also paid taxes—perhaps at rates that also exceeded those of Sens. Obama and Sanders, whose contributions to the US economy were obviously less visible, if they even occurred.”

Feud Between McCain & Paul Escalates

This week Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) questioned Sen. Rand Paul’s (R-Ken) loyalties after Paul voted not to extend NATO military support to Montenegro. In turn, Paul questioned McCain’s judgment.

As McCain reasoned, Paul’s refusal to extend the United States’ guarantee to defend Montenegro from potential Russian aggression was “doing Putin’s bidding.” As Paul sees it, though, “the United States is already overextended in terms of its military deployments around the world and it would be foolish to add to that.”

“Inasmuch as Sen. McCain has been an avid advocate of arming every Islamic ‘freedom fighter’ in the Middle East, including the gang that morphed into ISIS, I think he has a lot of gall assailing anyone else’s judgment or patriotism,” Paul added. “When it comes to foreign policy, Sen. McCain has been on the wrong side of almost every issue for the last 40 years. He is the best living case for term limits.”

McCain spokeswoman Julie Tarallo insisted that Sen. Paul “is out of step with the majority of the Senate. Russia has been this country’s traditional enemy for 75 years. We mustn’t allow the few pinpricks administered by a comparatively weak Islamic terrorist movement to distract us from this fundamental truth. Just because Putin hasn’t blown up any buildings or beheaded any hostages doesn’t mean we shouldn’t keep our focus on him.”

Liberal Prof Blames Trump for Beating, Apologizes to Assailants

Allison Stanger, the professor at Middlebury College in Vermont who was viciously attacked by a mob of students determined to prevent author and scholar Charles Murray from speaking, lays the blame for the incident at the feet of President Donald Trump.

“Students are in a justifiable state of anxiety since Trump was elected,” Stanger said. “My assumption that they could rationally listen to Mr. Murray’s controversial views and debate them in a civil manner was my error. Their response of beating me senseless was something I should have anticipated. I violated their ‘safe space’ by trying to inject an unwelcome perspective into it.”

“In hindsight, my naive adherence to a Jeffersonian notion that a university should be a ‘marketplace for ideas’ endangered everyone on campus,” Stanger continued. “Clearly, some ideas are so out-of-step with academic orthodoxy that their mere mention poses a threat to the psychological comfort of the university community. I apologize for my insensitivity and hope that my pledge to behave myself in the future will obviate the need for the students to administer any more chastisements to me.”

Dems Praise Federal Reserve Appointee

The appointment of University of Southern California Professor Raphael Bostic as president of the Federal Reserve Bank of Atlanta garnered praise from some leading Democrats in Congress.

Ohio Sen. Sherrod Brown, top Democrat on the Senate Banking Committee, hailed the appointment, calling it “a long overdue injection of new blood into the governance of monetary policy. Up to now there has been no one to represent a gay black perspective on interest rates, banking, and the economy. Dr. Bostic’s ascendance to this prominent position plugs a gap that has stigmatized Fed policy for over 100 years.”

California’s Rep. Maxine Waters, the top Democrat on the House Financial Services Committee, was equally impressed by Bostic’s credentials, “as the first black and first openly gay regional Fed president, Dr. Bostic brings a fresh insight into the world of finance. A focus on how changes in interest rates affect gays and blacks is an essential criteria to determining whether the Fed ought to raise or lower those rates.”

Texas Rep Proposes Fine for Masturbation

State Rep. Jessica Farrar (D-Austin) has introduced a bill that would impose a $100 fine for each instance of “masturbatory emissions that occur outside a woman’s vagina.”

Farrar contended that her “satirical” bill “is meant to highlight the comparable absurdities of right-wing legislation aimed at deterring abortions. Let’s see how men like it when their precious bodily fluids come under the same kind of regulation that impedes a woman’s access to an abortion. Every spilled sperm, like every aborted fetus,  represents a potential life that could’ve been brought to term. If a woman can be forced to bear a fetus to term why shouldn’t a man be forced to confine is emissions to reproductive ends?”

The fact that each ejaculation contains millions of sperm cells was held by Farrar to “illuminate the greater magnitude of the offense committed by men. An abortion terminates only a single fetus. Masturbation terminates millions of potential fetuses. Clearly, men are guilty of the greater crime.” Taking a cue from an old Seinfeld TV episode, Farrar said the fine would rely on an “honor system until such a time as comprehensive and universal surveillance can be established throughout the state.

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

 

Pelosi Warns of an American Holocaust

By  John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnA Bureau of Labor Statistics report indicating that more than 900,000 have left the ranks of the leisure class and joined the workforce since Trump’s inauguration was cast as “the start of an American holocaust” by House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif).

“Mr. Trump’s repeated threat to put America back to work has insidiously intimidated nearly a million of the 90 million who are currently not in the workforce to take jobs for fear that they would be sent to government labor camps,” she contended. “This fear is further proof of the validity of our contention that the Trump Administration is taking its marching orders from the Russians. Government labor camps for the purpose of working political dissidents to death are a Russian invention. That Trump would threaten to institute such an atrocity here is why we need to impeach him before the human cost becomes unbearable.”

“The premise that these people want to work is the big lie,” Pelosi argued. “Work is a disutility. People only do it if they have no choice. Those who have courageously broken free of the social myth that somehow work is an obligation must not be coerced into conformity. The gains made over the last eight years in liberating millions from wage slavery must not be undone.”

In related news, Pelosi mocked Trump’s pizza and bowling efforts to build good will with members of Congress as “way below the threshold needed to garner our attention, much less cooperation with his agenda. Millions of dollars from our Party’s donors are out-bidding his feeble gestures.”

UK Proposal to Send Refugees Home Assailed by UN Official

A United Kingdom proposal to send refugees back to their home countries if conditions there improve was assailed by UN Secretary General António Guterres as “contrary to basic human rights.”

“The Earth belongs to all people,” Guterres asserted. “No government, no person has the right to block any other person from choosing which portion of our common inheritance he wishes to occupy.”

UK Prime Minister Theresa May defended her proposal, saying “we took these people in as a humanitarian gesture because their homelands are wracked by war. Their insistence on maintaining the culture from which they came implies a desire to return rather than adapt to our culture. If the wars they were fleeing are brought to an end and it is safe for them to be repatriated I see no reason why they shouldn’t be sent home.”

“Humanity began in Africa,” Guterres observed. “All the rest of the world is populated by migrants. Ms. May is in no position to assume ownership of the British Isles and has no right to evict anyone against his will. Even if the place the refugees departed is declared safe it may not be an adequate condition from the refugees’ perspective. None of their home countries provide the social benefits for which they qualify in the United Kingdom. Forcing them to leave a situation where housing, food, and income are provided at no cost to them robs these migrants of their human entitlements. Every enlightened human being must condemn this planned anti-social and oppressive act.”

Guterres was undeterred by a report from the Center for Immigration Studies that found that resettling a refugee from the Middle East in the US costs 12 times as much as housing them in a neighboring Middle Eastern country, saying that it supports his position that “the desire to send these refugees back to their home countries stems from greed. Ousting a person because it would cost too much to keep him is pure selfishness.”

In related news, Guterres rejected criticism of Pakistan’s treatment of women—93 percent of Pakistani women have experienced sexual violence—saying that “as I understand it, Islam’s Quran instructs men to discipline their wives, daughters, sisters, and mothers, including beating them when necessary. If we are to respect religious freedom we must not judge nor interfere with their beliefs no matter how much they may differ from own own.”

FBI Director Declares Privacy Not a Right

Fresh off the Wikileaks revelation that the US Government is spying on everyone and his vow to complete the remaining six years of his ten year term, FBI Director James Comey blandly informed the American people that “privacy is not a right to which citizens are entitled.”

“I’m not saying that Americans don’t enjoy a considerable degree of privacy,” Comey said, “but let’s be clear, this is a privilege extended by the government to those who are not under suspicion of criminal or anti-government activities. Government has a moral right and duty to monitor everyone who might represent a threat. To carry out this duty it is imperative that no device have encryption that thwarts government surveillance—as about 40% of devices now do.”

Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) cited President Trump’s objections to being wire-tapped as “prima facie evidence of his unfitness to hold office. Rather than support the surveillance that Director Comey points out is essential to fighting crime and detecting security threats, Trump is siding with this country’s enemies. If, as he says, he is innocent of any wrongdoing he should have no objection to being monitored by the FBI, CIA, NSA, or whoever is trying to keep an eye out for America.”

“Let’s be clear,” Schiff demanded. “Nowhere in the Constitution does it say citizens have a right to privacy. Nowhere in the Constitution does it say government may not spy on the population. That a man elected to the presidency would attempt to argue the opposite is, in my opinion, a cause for concern.”

Former Rep. Dennis Kucinich (D-Ohio), however, disagreed with Schiff, calling Comey’s view “a further precarious step on the ‘slippery slope’ toward totalitarianism. It is shocking that a government official would openly tout a virtually unrestrained invasion of privacy. It is even more shocking that the media are not vociferously opposing such a position. I’m no fan of Donald Trump, but in this case he seems to be on the right side of a critical issue.”

In related news, the US Department of Agriculture cracked down on freedom of speech at the West Michigan Beef Company. Owner Don Boon’s posting of a newspaper clipping on a break-room bulletin board defending traditional marriage elicited a USDA threat to shut down the meat-packing plant. “We were just following guidelines sent down from Secretary Vilsack,” said USDA Section Chief Lance Gooney. “If we want to stamp out prejudice we must confront it in whatever form it appears and use whatever tools we can.”

School Censors “Straight Pride” Poster

A high school student in Jasper, Indiana attempted to post a dissenting perspective on the school’s persistent indoctrination campaign regarding sexual identity. The unnamed student tacked up several “Straight Pride” posters around the school. The poster’s message: “Nobody cares about what you think you are. If you want equality, stop shoving your ideas down our throats! We have nothing against your sexual orientation. We just don’t care!”

Greater Jasper School Superintendent Tracy Lorey explained that “we want to provide students opportunities to express themselves, but this doesn’t mean that they can say whatever they want. For this one student to ask to be left alone would eviscerate the LGBT community’s right to be heard. What use is free speech if people can choose not to listen? Stories relating the difficulties and courage displayed by LGBTs are something that every Jasper student needs to hear.”

Lorey contended that “the poster’s expressed disinterest in other students’ sexual orientations is a manifestation of intolerance. He may think that he’s heard enough, that he’d like to just concentrate on his studies, but he is trying to shut himself off from a vital message. Sexual orientation is the civil rights issue of our time. Until everyone acknowledges every other person’s right to be accepted as the sex he or she wants to be accepted as at any given moment no one’s civil rights are secure.”

In other education news, the State of New York is poised to eliminate literacy tests for public school teachers. John D’Agati, deputy commissioner of the state Education Department, called the test “discriminatory and out-dated. Barely half of Hispanic teachers and fewer than half of African-American teachers can pass the test. Continuing to insist that teachers must be literate would embed racism into our standards. In this modern age of videos and non-written forms of communication it seems foolish to require teachers to master skills that likely will prove unnecessary in the future.”

Planned Parenthood Rejects Trump’s Offer

President Donald Trump’s offer to agree to continued federal funding of Planned Parenthood if the organization would stop performing abortions was firmly rejected by Dawn Laguens, Planned Parenthood’s executive vice president and chief brand officer.

“We are the largest single provider of abortions in America,” Laguens pointed out. “Abortion is our largest single activity. It is the main thing our clientele knows about us. For us to abandon this service would be like stabbing our customers and supporters in the back. No amount of money will divorce us from our values.”

Planned Parenthood President Cecile Richards echoed Laguens’ remarks, emphasizing that “we are proud to provide abortions. We will not be dissuaded from continuing this vital mission. The $500 million that Trump threatens to withhold is tiny compared to the returns we have earned by terminating unwanted pregnancies and recycling the salvaged biomaterial.”

In related news, former Democratic National Committee chair and Vermont Governor Howard Dean predicted that “Trump will pay a steep political price for this heavy-handed attempt to besmirch a revered national organization. The voters that oppose abortion are dying off. The younger generation is heavily invested in preserving the right to terminate the undesired offspring of their sexual liaisons. Democrats will beat him over the head with this issue in 2018 and 2020, should he foolishly choose to seek reelection.”

Obama AG Encourages Anti-Trump Rioters

Former Attorney General Loretta Lynch praised anti-Trump demonstrators for “the courage they have shown by their willingness to bleed and shed blood for the progressive cause. Some have died in this opening phase of the fight against the fascism that has gripped our nation since January 20th.”

As if in response, leftist Antifa agitators assaulted pro-Trump demonstrators in Berkeley last weekend—burning a “free speech” sign, stealing MAGA hats, and bloodying noses. Lynch hailed the attacks as “a promising sign that the revolution won’t be constrained by bourgeois morality. Instead of cowering in fear, socially aware youths are cracking heads in a way Marx would’ve approved.” Surprisingly, most of these “proud social warriors” wore masks during their criminal rampage.

Lynch’s words were re-posted on Facebook on the Senate Democrats page where they were lauded as “words of inspiration” by a commenter that averred “it’s time we start killing people if we want to be taken serious.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Obama to Receive ‘Profiles in Courage’ Award

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnThe Kennedy Presidential Library’s annual “Profiles in Courage” Award for 2017 will go to former President Barack Obama. The Award, named after the 1957 Pulitzer Prize winning book ghost written for then Massachusetts Democratic Sen. John F. Kennedy, is given to individuals displaying extraordinary political courage by taking an unpopular course of action. The award ceremony will take place in May, when former First Daughter Caroline Kennedy and grandson of the late JFK, Jack Schlossberg, bestow the prize.

Faced with unrelenting adulation and widespread demands that he declare himself ‘president for life,’ President Obama courageously agreed to follow the law and step down after two terms,” Schlossberg said. “This gracious emulation of our nation’s first chief executive put him at odds with the majority of Americans who clearly would have supported his continuation in office as a down payment on the reparations for slavery that he has championed during his political career. That he would exit the presidency in a move that his core constituency would characterize as ‘acting white’ demonstrated an ‘off-the-charts’ level of personal fortitude.”

Obama is the third former president to win the award. In 2001, former President Gerald Ford was honored for the unconditional pardon he granted to Richard Nixon in 1974 for “all offenses that has committed or may have committed or taken part in” while president. In 2014, former President George H.W. Bush was honored for joining with Democrats to break his 1988 campaign pledge of “no new taxes.”

The speed with which the “Profiles in Courage” award was made to Obama mirrored that of his winning the Nobel Peace Prize in 2009. Ironically, the United States was constantly at war for his eight years as president when bragged that he was “really good at killing people” with drone strikes. Schlossberg expressed confidence that there wouldn’t be any similar embarrassment over the “Profiles” award since “the refusal to seize power can’t be undone now that he has surrendered the reins to his successor.”

French Candidate Targeted by EU Parliament

The European Parliament cleared the way for the French government to prosecute populist candidate for the presidency, Marine LePen, for her 2015 tweet of “terroristic images.” The images showed ISIS atrocities. If convicted, LePen could be imprisoned for up to three years and fined 75,000 Euros.

LePen, who has been highly critical of the virtually unrestricted immigration of Muslims into France, assailed the EU’s actions, calling them “yet more proof of everything we’ve been saying. The government’s misguided attempts to be compassionate have endangered the lives of our citizens and pose a threat to our nation’s survival. Right now, swaths of our cities have been turned into backward Hellholes where French men and women dare not set foot lest they be assaulted, raped, or killed by Muslim thugs.”

The refugees from Africa and the Middle East make no effort to learn our culture and minimal effort to obey our laws,” LePen said. “They replicate the squalid and violent conditions of the homelands they are fleeing. They boast of the day when they will outnumber us and Islamify the entire country. If it is to be illegal for us to point out the danger we are laying the groundwork for our subjugation and massacre by these aliens and their murderous ideology.”

EU Member of Parliament Laura Ferrara contended that “Ms. LePen is only making matters worse by her repeated defamation of this religious minority. The handwriting has been on the wall for some time now. Europeans do not reproduce at a high enough rate to fend off the inundation of our land and culture by the more fecund Muslim immigrants. Inciting them will not save us. Submitting to the will of Allah will. If all the world is for Islam the terror will cease. We will all be part of the umma and be entitled to the common respect all Muslims pay to each other.”

The kind of respect Ms. Ferrara can expect as a Muslim female seems dubious. Further, despite the rhetoric, Muslims do a lot of fighting among themselves. Many of the victims of ISIS brutality are Muslims deemed insufficiently compliant with the group’s rigid expectations for obedience. Making the whole world Muslim is more likely to permanently institutionalize terror than abolish it.

In related news, Syrian refugees living in Modum, a small municipality in the south of Norway, complain that the modest apartments provided to them free-of-charge are inadequate. “We are Muslims,” Abdulhadi Alkhalaf pointed out. “We are entitled by our faith to accommodations superior to those enjoyed by the unbelievers. We demand suitably-sized houses be provided.”

Governor Vetoes Investigation of Vote Fraud

Gov. Terry McAuliffe (D-Va) vetoed a bill that would have prompted investigations in counties where the number of persons registered to vote exceeded the total number of citizens eligible to vote. The Governor defended his veto, saying that “the right to vote is a fundamental human right. Republican attempts to limit this right based on country of origin is inherently racist and unfair.”

The bill’s sponsor, Sen. Mark Obenshain (R-Harrisonburg), called the Governor’s action “outrageous. Voting is a civil right exercised by the citizens of this state. Immigrants need to go through the procedures laid out in the law to become citizens before they register and cast ballots. Waiving this requirement as the Governor would have us do dilutes the civil rights of every lawful voter.”

McAuliffe derided Obenshain’s position. “The onerous process of naturalization is one that few native-born citizens could accomplish,” McAuliffe maintained. “I don’t see the ‘diluting’ the votes of ignorant natives as a negative. Immigrants, especially those in the country without proper documentation, have as great an interest in the government programs providing them with benefits as anyone. Their voices deserve to be heard. Voting is the way to ensure that they are heard.”

Trump Speech Rankles Democrats

President Donald Trump’s speech to Congress this week rankled key Democrats. While some, including CNN’s Van Jones saw it as “presidential” in tone, others, including Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) insisted it was “detached from reality. The real Trump is a snarling, mean-spirited hater. This speech was an attempt to conceal that reality behind a tired call for the country to unite behind a common goal to make America great.”

He says he wants to work with Democrats, but he hasn’t reached out to us,” Schumer complained. “Everything is about his promises to the American people. Well, more than half the American voters favored his opponent. Until he recognizes and accommodates this reality we will have to try to block him every step of the way.”

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) took a similar stance. “The notion that Trump can make America great by reversing the policies of President Obama is ludicrous,” she asserted. “Promising to put people back to work may serve the interests of the rednecks who voted for Trump, but it has got to be scary for the tens of millions relieved of this onus by the increased government benefits the Democratic Administration gave them. When the government gives you a place to live and food to eat do you still really want to be put to work at some soul-numbing job?”

Pelosi praised “the courage of my fellow Democrats who vocally expressed their displeasure with Trump’s new Victims of Immigration Crime Engagement proposal. Now is not the time for initiating a new entitlement for what has got to be a tiny minority, especially when the immigrants who will have to bear the brunt of his deportation scheme are far more numerous. Even worse, his proposed ‘merit-based’ approach to immigration would block the most needy while selfishly allowing a preferential treatment to the smaller self-sustaining and productive fraction of those wanting to come to our country.”

In related news, Trump’s preference for having his steak well-done and eating it with ketchup repulsed gourmets around the globe. “Putting ketchup on a steak is something a child would do,” Sen. Lindsay Graham (R-SC) observed. “Can we really abide having a person of such inappropriate tastes as the leader of the free world? When we add his reluctance to go to war with Russia, I think we must seriously reconsider his fitness to lead.”

Dems May Look to “Transracials” to Boost Non-White Staff

Struggling to make the racial composition of staffers more closely resemble the general population, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) is urging more of the 93% who are Caucasian “to look deep into themselves to see if they may be Black, Latino, or Muslim.”

We have made great strides incorporating transsexuals into the workforce to help boost the female cohort of our staff,” Schumer remarked. “This got me to thinking that there must be a contingent of transracials out there who could help us meet our non-white quota. Maybe Rachel Dolezal was out ahead of the curve on this. I mean, the people that mocked her for declaring herself to be Black may have missed the boat. Who’s to say she is wrong? If a person with a penis can declare himself a woman, then why can’t a person with pale skin declare himself Black? There’s probably more physical evidence for a white person being biologically part Black than there is for a man being part woman.”

Meanwhile, the woman formerly known as Rachel Dolezal has finalized her transition to Black by adopting the name Nkechi Amare Diallo—a West African name that means “gift of god.” Perhaps if more of the Congressional staffers were to simply adopt African names the concerns of Sen. Schumer would be assuaged.

A Satirical Look at Recent News 

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

The Arizona Conservative on Facebook

 

Dems Plan to Block Trump’s Immigration Policy

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnIn a move likely to prove even more futile than the repeated GOP Congress’ attempts to repeal Obamacare while Obama was president, Senate Democrats have introduced legislation that would negate Trump’s executive order to toughen up enforcement against those in the country illegally.

The bill’s sponsors, Sen. Catherine Cortez Masto (Nev), Sen. Dick Durbin (Ill) and Sen. Mazie Hironio (Hawaii), characterized the proposed law as a measure “to keep immigrant families intact.” Speaking for the trio, Sen. Cortez Masto complained that “the assumption that a deportation program focused on removing those with criminal records is something no one could object to ignores the role that these individuals play in supporting their families. To Trump and the racists who support him, a man who steals is a ‘bad hombre.’ To the family he would leave behind if he is deported he is ‘Daddy.’ His absence will have devastating financial and emotional impacts on his woman and her children.”

Sen. Durbin voiced his anger that “Trump’s action would impose a high cost on a country that can ill afford it. Mexico already has a higher crime rate than we do. For us to deport criminals into their country is, for lack of a better word, criminal. Compared to Mexico, the United States has a shortage of crime. Social justice argues for redistributing some of their surplus to America. We can more easily bear the burden.”

U.S. Department of Homeland Security Secretary John Kelly called the proposed legislation “contrary the our nation’s health and safety. It’s not that we don’t have sympathy for the poor Mexicans, but the President has made it clear that our first duty is to American citizens. The notion that we should spare criminals from being deported because their crimes are necessary to support their families or because we have a relative ‘shortage’ of crime is, to my way of thinking, insane. These Senators ought to have their heads examined.”

In related bad news for these Democrats, a poll conducted by Secure America Now found that Trump’s deportation of illegal immigrants is supported by 59% of Hispanic voters and 53% of voters who cast ballots for Hillary Clinton last November. Durbin dismissed these findings as “obviously rigged. I’m willing to bet that none of the two million non-citizens who are registered to vote were included in the poll.”

PolitiFact Debunks Trump’s Uranium Claim

At his press conference this week President Donald Trump asserted that former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton “gave 20% of our uranium to Russia.” The self-described fact checking website PolitiFact quickly pronounced Trump’s statement as “mostly false.”

“First of all, Secretary Clinton did not act alone,” PolitiFact spokesman Nicholas Pecker pointed out. “She had the full backing of President Obama. Second, the deal was for 20% of the United States’ uranium production capacity. That’s a totally different thing. Finally, the uranium wasn’t given to Russia. Former President Bill Clinton got a $500,000 speaking fee and the Clinton Foundation got more than $100 million in donations.”

“The only thing Trump got right was the word ‘uranium,’” Pecker added. “His repeated assaults on the truth constitute a serious betrayal of the trust voters placed in his hands. This, alone, in my opinion, makes a pretty strong case for impeachment. When we add the other particulars—his blatant denigration of the news media, his unconstitutional attempt to ban Muslim terrorists from entering the country, and his dangerous deviation from policies put in place by his predecessor—I think it’s only a matter of time before Congress will be forced to take him down. That is, if the CIA doesn’t assassinate him first.”

In related news, fact-checkers at the Washington Post awarded former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani “two Pinocchios” for correctly pointing out that 93% of Black murder victims were killed by Black assailants. “For Giuliani to just throw out this one fact without also mentioning that 84% of White victims had White assailants is unconscionable,” the Post wrote. “And the fact that a Black child is far more likely to be killed by a Black gangster than a White police officer doesn’t ease the pain of that gangster’s parents when he is shot by the police. In our judgment, Giuliani’s true, but insensitive, statement warrants ‘two Pinocchios.’”

CNN Chief Boasts Daily “Two-Minute Hate” of Trump Boosts Morale

CNN president Jeff Zucker admitted that “having the President of the United States impugn our integrity at every opportunity has battered the psyches of many of our network’s employees. We are the ones who determine the facts. We are the ones who impugn the integrity of those who don’t advance the progressive agenda. Trump’s rejection of our traditional role is a reversal that has hit us hard.”

“Our morale since that black day in November has been in the dumpster,” Zucker observed. “But we are turning it around. Thanks to a suggestion emailed to us by a viewer, we have instituted a daily ‘two-minute hate’ of Trump that has seemed to revive flagging spirits around the network. Wolf and Jake tell me it that it’s like a hit of crack that has helped restore their focus and given them the energy to persevere in our mission.”

“I don’t like to think of myself as someone who can hate another person,” CNN reporter Jake Tapper said. “It’s not a feeling I came close to experiencing in eight years of covering the Obama Administration. Not even the Republicans inspired such an intense animosity. They were powerless and cowed by the fear that a bad report from us could destroy their reputations. There was no need to hate them, but Trump, obviously, is different. The daily hate is energizing. My biggest regret is that we didn’t think of doing this before this monster was elected.”

In related news, veteran White House correspondent for American Urban Radio Networks April Ryan’s accusation that Trump adviser Omarosa Manigault intimidated her was quashed after Manigault revealed that “interactions with reporters are routinely recorded.” Ryan called the recording “an unfair tactic intended to abridge freedom of the press. It’s unconstitutional and freaking Nixonian. If this doesn’t persuade Congress to impeach the man I don’t know what will.”

US Economic Freedom Declined During Obama Presidency

The rank of the United States on the Heritage Foundation’s latest annual Index of Economic Freedom fell from 6th to 17th over the duration of the Obama Presidency. In 17th place, the US is behind Lithuania, Luxembourg, Georgia, Taiwan, Chile, and the United Arab Emirates, among others.

House Ways and Means Committee Chairman Kevin Brady (R-TX) said the decline “is embarrassing. We like to think of America as the land of the free, but when we see that we’ve dropped out of the top ten and are actually doing worse than some countries not normally considered havens for freedom, it’s clear that remedial action is required.”

Rep. Keith Ellison (D-Minn) disagreed, “I don’t find it embarrassing in the least. For too long the United States has been mired in a surfeit of damaging economic freedom. This has enabled the US to hog resources and wealth that rightfully should be shared equally with all the people of the world. That we are on our way down from our previously lofty perch is something I find comforting. Ideally, we ought to be right in the middle with every other country. If we can reach an equilibrium where no one has more than he needs, the economic causes of strife and conflict will be eliminated. No one saw this more clearly than the Prophet Muhammed who gave us the prescription for world peace through submission to the will of Allah.”

In related news, David Duke, former Imperial Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan, endorsed Ellison for Chairman of the Democratic National Committee. “Keith Ellison, Sally Boynton Brown or Jehmu Greene would all be excellent choices—I really like Keith though, he knows the danger Jews represent and could be counted on to oppose their evil schemes against decent, God-fearing people.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Court Disallows Trump Effort to Block Dangerous Foreigners

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

This week the U.S. Court of JohnAppeals for the 9th Circuit upheld a lower court’s blockage of President Donald Trump’s Executive Order instituting temporary restraints on the entry of foreigners from seven countries currently embroiled in war and significant terrorist activity. Despite the existence of statutory authority enacted in 1952 expressly granting the president the power to issue such an Order, the Ninth Circuit judges ruled Trump’s actions void on the grounds that it violated the Constitution’s First Amendment clause barring the government from establishing a religion.

The Court’s decision honed in on the Executive Order’s language calling for barring “those who engage in acts of bigotry or hatred, including honor killings, other forms of violence against women, or the persecution of those who practice religions different from their own,” Judge Richard Clifton called it “constitutionally unacceptable. Inasmuch as the Muslim religion expressly authorizes honor killings, the subjugation of women, and the persecution of non-Muslims, the explicit inclusion in the Executive Order of these religious practices as grounds for barring entry to persons holding such beliefs forces us to negate it.”

Trump denounced the decision as “a terrible blow to the safety of this country and its citizens. The right not to be murdered or harmed by fanatics that spare no one from their depredations is a right that every citizen should expect his government to do its utmost to ensure. That this Court has gone outside the law to create fatuous objections on behalf of the interests of those with criminal intent is a terrible decision.”

Democrats saw the Court’s decision differently. Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) hailed it as “a first victory in our battle to take back our government from this un-American usurper. Trump’s notion that he can make America an arbiter of what is decent and abuse his power by trying to impose western values on foreigners as a condition of their entry into this country has been thwarted.”

James Clapper, former director of national intelligence under the Obama Administration, praised the Court for “saving America from the wrath of Islamic jihadis. Telling these extremists that their values are wrong and that they won’t be allowed into this country because of their beliefs runs contrary to the policy put in place by President Obama. He wisely recognized that criticizing these beliefs and using them as a factor in determining who we do and don’t allow in would only aggravate their anger and make them more intent on killing us. Leaving the borders open avoids provoking them and keeps the country safer.”

Warren Condemns Trump’s Deplorable Xenophobia

Seeking to gain a leg up on other potential Democratic Party aspirants for the 2020 nomination, Sen. Elizabeth Warren (Mass) excoriated the Trump Administration’s “deplorable xenophobia in placing the interests of American citizens ahead of the interests of humanity.”

“Hillary warned us of the transcendent evil that Trump poses to the progressive values President Obama strove to embed in our government’s policies,” Warren screeched in her Senate tirade against the confirmation of Sen. Jeff Sessions as the new US Attorney General. “By confirming Sessions the Senate has embeded diametrically opposed values. Putting Americans ahead of immigrants is, as the US Ninth Circuit Court has ruled, unconstitutionally denies them their human right to seek sustenance wherever they might find it.”

Warren took offense that one of Sessions’ comments urging American corporations to hire Americans did not derail his confirmation. “I am ashamed that my GOP colleagues have elevated a racist to be the nation’s top law enforcement officer,” she said. “My only consolation is that the Republican Party will pay dearly at the polls when voters rise up to oust these moral cretins from power in the next election.”

CNN Journalist Objects to “Fake News” Label

CNN’s Chris Cuomo is attempting to make a case that labeling his reports as “fake news” is the equivalent of using racial epithets against a person.

“Calling someone the ‘n-word’ is pure bigotry,” Cuomo declared. “It takes a trivial difference in appearance as an excuse for name calling. Likewise, using discrepancies in what we report as evidence of ‘fake news’ blows a minor issue into an insensitive and hurtful remark. Both expressions ought to be banned from polite discourse.”

Cuomo brushed aside contentions that the two scenarios were, in fact, significantly different. “Some would argue that denigrating a person’s skin color—something over which the individual has no control—isn’t the same as denigrating a journalist for something he says. Well, I’m here to tell you that what we say on the air is entirely out of our control. We’re handed a script and face intense pressure to adhere to the prescribed narrative. To hold us responsible for what we say is totally unfair.”

“I could be fired for stepping out of line,” Cuomo maintained. “How is this significantly different from a slave obeying his master to escape being whipped or a Mexican keeping a low profile to avoid being deported?”

Ironically, Cuomo’s comments came after he interviewed Sen. Richard Blumenthal (D-Conn), long-time promoter of the fake story that he had served in Vietnam. Cuomo rebutted Trump’s castigation of him on this matter, asserting that “I did ask the Senator about his Vietnam service, but he modestly declined to discuss this ancient history in favor of focusing on Supreme Court nominee Judge Neil Gorsuch’s criticism of Trump’s unwarranted remarks about the judge who slapped down his Muslim ban.”

In related news, Sen. Blumenthal insisted that Gorsuch “must go through extreme vetting to make sure the nation isn’t embarrassed by elevating a poseur to an exalted position he doesn’t deserve.”

Muslim IT Guys Spied on Democrats

Three Muslim brothers who managed office IT for a number of Democratic legislators were fired this week for unauthorized access and distribution of confidential information. Abid, Imran, and Jamal Awan had been hired at $160,000 annual salaries to provide IT services for dozens of Democrats including former Democratic National Committee Chairman Rep. Debbie Wasserman-Schultz of Florida. You may recall, that Wasserman-Schultz’s purloined emails played a role in embarrassing Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign last year.

Despite one of the brothers having a criminal record, eight Democratic members of the House (Andre Carson, Luis Guiterez, Jim Himes, Terri Sewell, Jackie Speier, Mike Quigley, Eric Swalwell, and, Patrick Murphy) signed a letter requesting the brothers be given access to classified information. Some of this information was illicitly transmitted to an external server in violation of government security protocols.

In addition to their salaries, the brothers apparently supplemented their income by theft stemming from over-billing for computer equipment not delivered and services not performed. The trio’s high living also raised suspicions that classified information may have been traded for cash.

Rep. Carson (Indiana) argued that “the firing of these three men should close the book on this issue. We are the victims in this matter. It was our files that were invaded and surreptitiously distributed. It was our confidence that was betrayed. I think the loss of their lucrative jobs is an appropriate and sufficient punishment. There is no need to invest any more time and effort probing into a situation that is no longer relevant.”

In related news, Vincent Tolliver, a would-be contender for the currently vacant Chair of the Democratic National Committee, was disqualified by interim Chairwoman Donna Brazile. Tolliver’s offense: questioning whether rival contender Rep. Keith Ellison (Minn), who is Muslim, would be an appropriate leader. Specifically, Tolliver argued that Islamic doctrine justifying the execution of gays “seems to contradict our message of tolerance and inclusion.” Brazile justified her summary termination of Tolliver’s candidacy asserting that “attempting to impugn a fellow Democrat’s religious beliefs is intolerance that cannot be tolerated.”

Berkeley Student Paper Defends Violence to Suppress Freedom of Speech

In the wake of a riot causing $100,000 in property damage and preventing Milo Yiannopoulos from speaking on campus, the University of California at Berkeley’s student-run newspaper–The Daily Californian—published a series of five op eds against freedom of speech. The University which had gained a reputation as a bastion of free speech for its position in favor of speaking in opposition to the Vietnam War 40 years ago has morphed into an enemy of the concept of the discovery of truth through open debate by those with different opinions.

In one of the op eds, Nisa Dang contended that “free speech is a white man’s tool for oppressing the black race. Many of our students are uncomfortable or incapable of engaging in a war of words. Their interests are disparaged by systems that rule violence out-of-bounds as a valid mode of expression.” 

Illegal immigrant student Juan Prieto argued that “the riots actually increased the safety of the students by preventing the pernicious ideas of Yiannopoulos from inciting an even more violent reaction from those opposed to his views. And in the long-run, roughing up a few college Republicans now may deter them from trying to promote their anti-progressive views in the future.”

Neil Lawrence took pains to debunk university administration claims that the rioting was a “false flag” operation of right-wingers aimed at discrediting the school. “It was,” he asserted, “an authentic Black Lives Matter enterprise. Just because we wore masks to protect ourselves from prosecution doesn’t mean we should be robbed of the credit for this glorious and successful imposition of our will against a white man’s speech.”

Desmond Meagley used his op ed to bolster Lawrence’s view, insisting that “this was fundamentally of, by, and for the students of Berkeley and every other campus in the world. We claimed our right to control what we hear and to prevent the unwelcome attempt to insert alien concepts into the dialog. Progressive politics rule. We will not abide the invasion of nonconforming philosophies to pollute our environment.”

The four op eds praising the riot were “balanced” by one that rued the violence, but affirmed the position that “views like those of Yiannopoulos are illegitimate and cannot rightfully claim to be protected by the First Amendment. I’m glad that he was prevented from speaking. The rioting could have been averted if the Administration hadn’t granted him permission to come here. Future violence can be averted if they are more dutiful to their obligation to protect the students from threats originating from the presence of people like Yiannopoulos on campus.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News 

 

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

 

 

 

Berkeley Major Justifies Riots

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnWhile Berkeley Mayor Jesse Arreguin expressed regret that “the anger of those opposed to allowing a hateful white nationalist may have been a little too exuberant, we must acknowledge their constitutional right to prevent the airing of unacceptable views on the University campus.”

Breitbart reporter Milo Yiannopoulos’ sold-out speech had to be canceled when 150 masked men went on a rampage blocking traffic, vandalizing the University, attacking police, and assaulting individuals who came to hear the speech.

President Trump’s post-riot suggestion that “the suppression of free speech at a heavily-subsidized public university raises questions about the continued federal role in contributing to these subsidies” sparked the Mayor’s anger. “Mr. Trump’s perspective on freedom of speech is ignorantly one-sided,” he said. “Sure, he is all for the promulgation of Yiannopoulos’ twisted ideas, but what of the rights of those who don’t want to hear them? Shouldn’t the majority of the students’ preference to silence his hateful messenger rule the day?”

Perhaps the biggest irony of the whole event is that Yiannopoulos is himself gay,” Arreguin observed. “He is a member of a group that the protesters were trying to support by shutting down his speech. He may be feeling aggrieved in the short run, but will benefit in the long run if the Trump tyranny is disrupted by the patriotic actions of those in the streets fighting for social justice. That is why I gave police the order to ‘stand down’ and let events take their natural course. A decision that I feel was vindicated by the absence of any fatalities and only a minimal $100,000 in property damage.”

A similar stance toward rioting was exhibited in Pakistan where Judge Chaudhry Muhammad Azam dismissed charges against 115 Muslim men accused of a rampage that burned the homes of 150 Christian families. “Given the unanimous testimony of the 115 accused that they did not commit a crime, I have no other option but to drop the charges,” Azam declared. “Under our law, the testimony of one Muslim is worth four times the testimony of an unbeliever. Since there weren’t enough survivors among the alleged victims to produce the requisite minimum of 460 witnesses to rebut the 115 true believers the case cannot go forward.”

In related news, a speaker at a Black Lives Matter rally against the Trump Administration drew wild cheers from the crowd when she suggested “we need to start killing people. Smashing windows and burning stuff is a good beginning, but white people won’t take us serious if we don’t kill some of them.”

NY Guv Wants Abortion Protected in State Constitution

Following the nomination of federal appellate court judge Neil Gorsuch for the US Supreme Court vacancy left by the death of Justice Antonin Scalia last February, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo (D) announced a move to amend his state’s constitution to make a woman’s right to an abortion “safe from judicial meddling by a Supreme Court packed with Trump appointees.”

The right of a woman to choose to terminate a pregnancy that was granted by the Court in their historic Roe v. Wade decision in 1973 must be saved from being callously snatched away after 40 years of successful operation,” Cuomo said. “The right to choose is too precious for us to squander. Protecting this right is a core value of our resistance to Trump’s tyranny. Embedding this right in our state’s constitution is the only sure way of immunizing our state from one of the atrocities this evil man would inflict upon an innocent population.”

Amending the New York State Constitution is no easy task. It could be achieved by calling a state constitutional convention, but that would expose other clauses of the constitution to possible amendment. A more narrowly focused amendment dealing solely with abortion could be accomplished if two successively elected legislatures passed an identical amendment bill that would then be referred to the voters. The earliest this could all be completed is 2019.

Not only might the time-consuming amendment process be too late to head off any US Supreme Court action on the issue, it night be futile. The 1973 Roe v. Wade decision overrode numerous state laws on the ground that the US Constitution’s right to privacy took precedence over any state’s laws. A Court decision reversing Roe v. Wade could find ample justification within the US Constitution to override state laws or constitutions. For example, the victims of the abortion procedure are subjected to cruel punishment (death) without being found guilty of a crime. This would appear to violate both the Fifth and Eighth Amendments.

The complaint by Kim Atkins, board chair of Planned Parenthood Empire State Acts, “that such an action by the Supreme Court would violate states’ rights” bears an ironic similarity to arguments made by Sen. John Calhoun (D-SC) on behalf of the South’s “peculiar institution” of slavery in 1838 and Sen. William Fulbright (D-Ark) on behalf of segregation in 1964.

In related news, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) was apoplectic over the nomination of Judge Gorsuch for the Supreme Court calling him “a maniacal advocate for placing the rights of the unborn over those of women. Fetuses aren’t people until they’re born. Yet, this judge has a record of putting concerns for the rights of these creatures above those of the women forced to endure their invasion of her body. For the sake of humanity the Senate must not confirm such a monstrous person for our highest judicial tribunal.”

Study Shows Islam a Major Motivation for Terrorists

A new study—Talking to Foreign Fighters: Insights into the Motivations for Hijrah to Syria and Iraq by University of Waterloo sociologist Lorne L. Dawson, and George Washington University Program on Extremism Fellow Amaranth Amarasingam—found that religion played the biggest role in spurring Muslims to join the jihad against unbelievers.

In the liberal way of thinking religion can’t logically be a significant motivating factor for terrorist violence,” Dr. Dawson observed. “The instinct is to look for socio-economic reasons to explain behavior that makes no sense to secularists. But our findings rebut this premise. The individuals who have actually left western societies to join ISIS or al-Qaeda were generally from middle and upper socio-economic strata. The motives they cited for themselves were predominately religious in nature. In their view, proper observance required them to fight for Islam.”

A teary-eyed Sen. Charles Schumer (D-NY) called the findings “unhelpful in our struggle against the Trump Administration. A bunch of deranged Muslims professing religious inspiration as their incentive for attacking us contradicts the meme of Islam as a religion of peace and feeds right into Trump’s plan to erect barriers to Muslim entry to America. This study is out of step with all the other studies that have skirted the religious issue to focus on other factors behind the reasons for terrorism. Hopefully, it won’t get much attention in the media.”

DOE Nominee Attacked for Supporting Academic Freedom

Betsy DeVos, Trump’s nominee to head the US Depart6ment of Education, was assailed in Senate committee hearings for her past association with the Foundation for Individual Rights in Education (FIRE). FIRE’s positions in opposition to school suppression of freedom of speech and in support of transparent due process procedures for school disciplinary actions drew harsh opposition from Sen. Bob Casey (D-Penn).

FIRE has intruded on universities trying to police their own campuses to ferret out dangerous ideas and non-conforming attitudes,” the Senator complained. “School administrators endeavoring to shield not-yet-mature young minds from confusing and confounding influences are being harassed by FIRE’s attempt to inject First Amendment standards that school authorities have decided are inappropriate in the academic environment. Ms. DeVos needs to disassociate herself from this radical organization and join the mainstream if she wants us to entrust her with this powerful position of influence.”

Casey’s communications director, John Rizzo called FIRE’s push for due process “a step backward. Their insistence that a person accused of sexual improprieties by another student is somehow entitled to the same sort of Fifth Amendment protections afforded to the accused outside the cloistered confines of the academic community is frightening. It is the Senator’s position that requiring the accused to be apprised of the specific allegations against him and to have the right to confront his accuser or the witnesses against him would have a chilling effect on the willingness of victims to come forward. Allowing school officials to quietly expel or otherwise punish the accused enables important institutional objectives to be achieved with minimal fuss.”

Personal Income Growth in Obama Years Weakest in History

The year-to-year rate of growth in personal income in the United States was lower during President Obama’s recently completed two terms than at any other period recorded in this country’s history. In the last year of the Bush Administration the growth rate was 4.7%. In the last year of the Obama Administration the rate fell to 3.4%. This contrasted especially unfavorably to the average 9.5% annual increases during the Reagan years.

Ranking member of the House Energy & Commerce Committee Rep. Frank Pallone (D-NJ) made an effort to defend the Obama record by pointing out that “when Reagan took office the growth rate was 10.8% and fell to 8.5% by his last year in office. This was a 2.3% drop. When Obama took office the rate was 4.7% and only fell to 3.4% by his last year. So, the decline in annual income growth of 1.3% during the Obama years was smaller than the 2.3% decline during the Reagan years.”

Of course, the actual level of income over the eight Reagan years rose by more than 100%. The actual level of income over the Obama years rose by a more modest 37%. Perhaps the divergent economic policies of low tax rates and less regulation of Reagan’s Administration compared to the higher tax rates and more regulation of the Obama Administration played a role.

A Satirical Look at Recent News 

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

 

Berkeley Major Justifies Riots

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

While Berkeley Mayor Jesse Arreguin expressed regret that “the anger of those opposed to allowing a hateful white nationalist may have been a little too exuberant, we must acknowledge their constitutional right to prevent the airing of unacceptable views on the University campus.”

Breitbart reporter Milo Yiannopoulos’ sold-out speech had to be canceled when 150 masked men went on a rampage blocking traffic, vandalizing the University, attacking police, and assaulting individuals who came to hear the speech.

President Trump’s post-riot suggestion that “the suppression of free speech at a heavily-subsidized public university raises questions about the continued federal role in contributing to these subsidies” sparked the Mayor’s anger. “Mr. Trump’s perspective on freedom of speech is ignorantly one-sided,” he said. “Sure, he is all for the promulgation of Yiannopoulos’ twisted ideas, but what of the rights of those who don’t want to hear them? Shouldn’t the majority of the students’ preference to silence his hateful messenger rule the day?”

Perhaps the biggest irony of the whole event is that Yiannopoulos is himself gay,” Arreguin observed. “He is a member of a group that the protesters were trying to support by shutting down his speech. He may be feeling aggrieved in the short run, but will benefit in the long run if the Trump tyranny is disrupted by the patriotic actions of those in the streets fighting for social justice. That is why I gave police the order to ‘stand down’ and let events take their natural course. A decision that I feel was vindicated by the absence of any fatalities and only a minimal $100,000 in property damage.”

A similar stance toward rioting was exhibited in Pakistan where Judge Chaudhry Muhammad Azam dismissed charges against 115 Muslim men accused of a rampage that burned the homes of 150 Christian families. “Given the unanimous testimony of the 115 accused that they did not commit a crime, I have no other option but to drop the charges,” Azam declared. “Under our law, the testimony of one Muslim is worth four times the testimony of an unbeliever. Since there weren’t enough survivors among the alleged victims to produce the requisite minimum of 460 witnesses to rebut the 115 true believers the case cannot go forward.”

In related news, a speaker at a Black Lives Matter rally against the Trump Administration drew wild cheers from the crowd when she suggested “we need to start killing people. Smashing windows and burning stuff is a good beginning, but white people won’t take us serious if we don’t kill some of them.”

NY Guv Wants Abortion Protected in State Constitution

Following the nomination of federal appellate court judge Neil Gorsuch for the US Supreme Court vacancy left by the death of Justice Antonin Scalia last February, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo (D) announced a move to amend his state’s constitution to make a woman’s right to an abortion “safe from judicial meddling by a Supreme Court packed with Trump appointees.”

The right of a woman to choose to terminate a pregnancy that was granted by the Court in their historic Roe v. Wade decision in 1973 must be saved from being callously snatched away after 40 years of successful operation,” Cuomo said. “The right to choose is too precious for us to squander. Protecting this right is a core value of our resistance to Trump’s tyranny. Embedding this right in our state’s constitution is the only sure way of immunizing our state from one of the atrocities this evil man would inflict upon an innocent population.”

Amending the New York State Constitution is no easy task. It could be achieved by calling a state constitutional convention, but that would expose other clauses of the constitution to possible amendment. A more narrowly focused amendment dealing solely with abortion could be accomplished if two successively elected legislatures passed an identical amendment bill that would then be referred to the voters. The earliest this could all be completed is 2019.

Not only might the time-consuming amendment process be too late to head off any US Supreme Court action on the issue, it night be futile. The 1973 Roe v. Wade decision overrode numerous state laws on the ground that the US Constitution’s right to privacy took precedence over any state’s laws. A Court decision reversing Roe v. Wade could find ample justification within the US Constitution to override state laws or constitutions. For example, the victims of the abortion procedure are subjected to cruel punishment (death) without being found guilty of a crime. This would appear to violate both the Fifth and Eighth Amendments.

The complaint by Kim Atkins, board chair of Planned Parenthood Empire State Acts, “that such an action by the Supreme Court would violate states’ rights” bears an ironic similarity to arguments made by Sen. John Calhoun (D-SC) on behalf of the South’s “peculiar institution” of slavery in 1838 and Sen. William Fulbright (D-Ark) on behalf of segregation in 1964.

In related news, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) was apoplectic over the nomination of Judge Gorsuch for the Supreme Court calling him “a maniacal advocate for placing the rights of the unborn over those of women. Fetuses aren’t people until they’re born. Yet, this judge has a record of putting concerns for the rights of these creatures above those of the women forced to endure their invasion of her body. For the sake of humanity the Senate must not confirm such a monstrous person for our highest judicial tribunal.”

Study Shows Islam a Major Motivation for Terrorists

A new study—Talking to Foreign Fighters: Insights into the Motivations for Hijrah to Syria and Iraq by University of Waterloo sociologist Lorne L. Dawson, and George Washington University Program on Extremism Fellow Amaranth Amarasingam—found that religion played the biggest role in spurring Muslims to join the jihad against unbelievers.

In the liberal way of thinking religion can’t logically be a significant motivating factor for terrorist violence,” Dr. Dawson observed. “The instinct is to look for socio-economic reasons to explain behavior that makes no sense to secularists. But our findings rebut this premise. The individuals who have actually left western societies to join ISIS or al-Qaeda were generally from middle and upper socio-economic strata. The motives they cited for themselves were predominately religious in nature. In their view, proper observance required them to fight for Islam.”

A teary-eyed Sen. Charles Schumer (D-NY) called the findings “unhelpful in our struggle against the Trump Administration. A bunch of deranged Muslims professing religious inspiration as their incentive for attacking us contradicts the meme of Islam as a religion of peace and feeds right into Trump’s plan to erect barriers to Muslim entry to America. This study is out of step with all the other studies that have skirted the religious issue to focus on other factors behind the reasons for terrorism. Hopefully, it won’t get much attention in the media.”

DOE Nominee Attacked for Supporting Academic Freedom

Betsy DeVos, Trump’s nominee to head the US Depart6ment of Education, was assailed in Senate committee hearings for her past association with the Foundation for Individual Rights in Education (FIRE). FIRE’s positions in opposition to school suppression of freedom of speech and in support of transparent due process procedures for school disciplinary actions drew harsh opposition from Sen. Bob Casey (D-Penn).

FIRE has intruded on universities trying to police their own campuses to ferret out dangerous ideas and non-conforming attitudes,” the Senator complained. “School administrators endeavoring to shield not-yet-mature young minds from confusing and confounding influences are being harassed by FIRE’s attempt to inject First Amendment standards that school authorities have decided are inappropriate in the academic environment. Ms. DeVos needs to disassociate herself from this radical organization and join the mainstream if she wants us to entrust her with this powerful position of influence.”

Casey’s communications director, John Rizzo called FIRE’s push for due process “a step backward. Their insistence that a person accused of sexual improprieties by another student is somehow entitled to the same sort of Fifth Amendment protections afforded to the accused outside the cloistered confines of the academic community is frightening. It is the Senator’s position that requiring the accused to be apprised of the specific allegations against him and to have the right to confront his accuser or the witnesses against him would have a chilling effect on the willingness of victims to come forward. Allowing school officials to quietly expel or otherwise punish the accused enables important institutional objectives to be achieved with minimal fuss.”

Personal Income Growth in Obama Years Weakest in History

The year-to-year rate of growth in personal income in the United States was lower during President Obama’s recently completed two terms than at any other period recorded in this country’s history. In the last year of the Bush Administration the growth rate was 4.7%. In the last year of the Obama Administration the rate fell to 3.4%. This contrasted especially unfavorably to the average 9.5% annual increases during the Reagan years.

Ranking member of the House Energy & Commerce Committee Rep. Frank Pallone (D-NJ) made an effort to defend the Obama record by pointing out that “when Reagan took office the growth rate was 10.8% and fell to 8.5% by his last year in office. This was a 2.3% drop. When Obama took office the rate was 4.7% and only fell to 3.4% by his last year. So, the decline in annual income growth of 1.3% during the Obama years was smaller than the 2.3% decline during the Reagan years.”

Of course, the actual level of income over the eight Reagan years rose by more than 100%. The actual level of income over the Obama years rose by a more modest 37%. Perhaps the divergent economic policies of low tax rates and less regulation of Reagan’s Administration compared to the higher tax rates and more regulation of the Obama Administration played a role.

A Satirical Look at Recent News 

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

 

Mexican President Vows to Protect Illegals Living in the US

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnIrate that US President Donald Trump “is upending the convivial relationship our two countries enjoyed while Obama held the presidency,” Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto vowed “to do everything in my power to protect the rights of Mexican nationals living in the United States.”

Peña rejected accusations that his stance was hypocritical given Mexico’s harsh treatment of illegal immigrants in his country. “Mexico has a right and an obligation to protect our resources from being consumed by those who have no right to be here,” Peña insisted. “We are a poor country with too many mouths to feed. The United States is a rich country grown fat by siphoning off resources that rightfully belong to all of humanity. Those who migrate to America to reclaim these resources are vanguards for social justice. Trump has no moral authority to expel them or to impede their efforts to enter his country.”

El Presidente was unsure of how he would fulfill his promise to protect his countrymen residing in the US. “Obviously, we are not powerful enough to directly enforce this promise,” Peña admitted. “However, there are more subtle methods that may be undertaken. Border gangs already have played a big role in smuggling immigrants and drugs into America. And Senator Armando Pitter has suggested that we could assist members of ISIS to enter the United States. So, we have a few cards we can play to inflict pain on our enemy.”

Allies may be on hand to launch environmental lawsuits aimed at stopping a border wall. Kierán Suckling, executive director of the Center for Biological Diversity, pointed out that “a barrier to the migration of jaguars and ocelots would pose a serious threat to the biodiversity of these endangered species. Sacrificing these beautiful animals in order to prevent as Trump says, ‘the invasion of murderers and rapists’ is too high a price to pay. There is already an over proliferation of the human species. The loss of a few would be more tolerable than the loss of a few of these scarcer animals.”

Media Scoffing at Trump’s Complaint about Vote Fraud Prompts Investigation

Confident that vote fraud does not exist, mainstream media has dubbed Trump’s claim that he would have won the popular vote if not for illegally cast ballots a “lie.” Nevertheless, there appears to be some evidence that Trump’s claims may have some validity. Because votes are cast secretly there is no way to prove that illegally cast ballots gave the popular vote victory to Hillary Clinton, but there is credibility behind a contention that millions of illegitimate ballots may have been cast.

A study led by Professor Jesse Richman of Old Dominion University in Norfolk, Virginia estimated that nearly 1.3 million non-citizens voted in the recent election. That’s not enough, by itself, to have made Clinton the popular vote winner. However, non-citizen voting is not the only source of illegitimate ballots.

A report by the Pew Center found that nearly two million dead people are still registered to vote and there are indications that some of them did in Philadelphia and Colorado last year. The Pew study also asserted that 24 million registrations are either invalid or inaccurate.

A pre-election expose by Project Veritas revealed Democratic operatives bragging about driving people around to cast multiple ballots at different precincts where poll workers aren’t allowed to check IDs. “We’ve been busing people to cast multiple votes for fifty years and we’re not going to stop now,” Scott Foval said.

Finally, in response to Green Party candidate for president Jill Stein’s pursuit of a recount in Michigan, election officials discovered dozens of urban precincts where the number of ballots counted considerably exceeded the number of voters who showed up to vote.

Unlike the last GOP president, Trump is not one to sit back and take abuse from the media. This week he announced that his Administration will conduct a broad investigation of voting irregularities. “We’re going to look into it and we’ll see what happens,” Trump said.

CNN’s Jake Tapper called the proposed investigation “a waste of time and money. There is no evidence. We will hold Trump’s feet to the fire and persuade the American people of their mistake electing him. Besides, even if there was proof that non-citizens voted, President Obama said they could during an October interview with Gina Rodriguez on the Latino news site MiTu. And in my book, if a president okays it isn’t fraud.”

In related news, the Social Security Administration reports that there are 6.5 million people over the age of 100 still holding jobs in this country. Sean Brune, a senior adviser to the agency’s deputy commissioner for budget, finance, quality and management, called these figures “proof that Trump’s allegation of millions being driven out of the workforce by President Obama’s economic policies is refuted.” Sen. Ron Johnson (R-Wis) disagreed, saying “it is more likely evidence of widespread fraudulent use of Social Security numbers belonging to deceased Americans by illegal immigrants.”

Dems Assail Trump’s Immigration and Refugee Policies

Illinois Sen. Dick Durbin (D) charged that “Trump’s moves against immigrants will make America less safe. If the jihadis were angry before, they’ll surely be enraged by the Administration’s efforts to block their entry in this country. Similarly, what does he expect to happen when he cracks down on sanctuary cities that are trying to keep the feds from deporting the criminals they’ve been shielding? If they fear they can be easily deported they’ll have nothing left to lose and could go on a spree that will increase the carnage in these cities.”

Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) in echo of Durbin’s words, remarked that “these moves threaten the fabric of our society that President Obama worked so hard to establish. Welcoming the poor and disaffected is our social obligation. America has the resources and the duty to share our wealth with all those who have less. Even more important is respecting the religious freedom of Muslims to follow their sacred teachings to spread their faith across the globe. Just because their methods are different from those that Christians have become used to doesn’t warrant excluding them from traveling to countries not yet claimed for Allah.”

New York City Mayor Bill DeBlasio decried Trump’s plan to withhold federal subsidies to cities that thwart the enforcement of the nation’s immigration laws by declaring they will provide sanctuary for wanted illegal aliens. “No prior administration has sought to use financial leverage against any city’s right to select which laws they wish to enforce in their community,” the Mayor falsely alleged. “Trump makes a big deal about us harboring criminals among those we’ve granted sanctuary. What he fails to consider is that the thieves he maligns are family breadwinners. We will protect these breadwinners from Trump’s tyranny.”

In related news, Muslim refugees who “fled war” in their home countries have been spending the generous welfare benefits provided by their European hosts to vacation back home. The Swiss Secretariat for Migration explained that “keeping track of how they are spending their welfare checks is outside the scope of our authority. The moral dimension is also daunting. Who are we to question how these people spend the money that our laws and moral beliefs say is theirs by right?”

Stats on Obama Years Unflattering

Two recent statistics on the performance of the outgoing Obama Administration do not reflect well on his time in office. On the one hand, the Obama years were the only presidential term going all the way back to FDR that failed to meet a 3% GDP annual growth rate for any year of his eight in office. Even the “malaise” of the Carter years did better. So too, did the Great Depression years of FDR’s 12-years at the helm.

Despite the media’s portrayal of Obama as “one of the all-time greats,” in the Gallup poll of job approval ratings of the presidents between the post-WWII period and the present, Obama ranks near the bottom. Obama’s 47.9% topped only Ford, Carter, and Truman. Obama’s rating was lower than the media’s punching bag GW Bush and Nixon, who was driven from office by the Watergate scandal.

Race relations expert and host of MSNBC’s PoliticsNation Al Sharpton attributed these statistics as “evidence that America is still a racist nation. GDP figures are put out by white economists. Gallup poll respondents are largely comprised of white racists. The vendetta against Black people continues unabated despite the heroic efforts of probably the greatest human being to ever walk the Earth.”

Women’s March Organizer Advocates Sharia Law for US

Profanity-laced screeching by entertainment luminaries, such as Ashley Judd’s complaints about how unfair menstruation is to women and Madonna’s musing about blowing up the White House, grabbed some headlines this week. However, it may be more disturbing that the march’s organizer Linda Sarsour’s long-term goal is to bring sharia law to America.

The benefits of sharia law don’t get a fair airing in America,” Sarsour complained. “A narrow-minded focus on the beatings for disobeying a husband, father, or brother overlooks more important advantages like interest-free loans. What are a few welts and bruises compared to saving thousands of dollars on a mortgage.”

Sarsour didn’t even blanch at the more severe repressions of home confinement, honor killings, or stoning for adultery. “The sharia laws protect a woman’s virtue,” she contended. “Going out uncovered and unaccompanied are the behaviors of whores and serve as a gateway to the sins which can only be cleansed by honor killings or, in the most severe cases, public stoning.”

That public stoning is often a woman’s punishment for being raped under sharia law “validates the wisdom of the protections provided by always having one’s male relatives along to deter rapists. Every Muslim woman must know the dangers of tempting innocent Muslim men through wantonly wandering into a public space alone. Failure to observe correct behavior is the cause of these incidents. As the instigators, it seems proper to me that these reckless women bear the prescribed consequences as an example to others.”

Trump is a major impediment to the realization of a truly moral Muslim society in America,” Sarsour argued. “Right now we are marching. But if Americans don’t come to their senses and peacefully rid this country of this enemy of the umma sterner measures will surely follow as night follows day.”

In related news, President Trump’s Executive Order suspending immigration from Middle Eastern countries wracked by Islamic terrorist violence (Somalia, Libya, Syria, Iraq, Yemen, Sudan, and Iran) sparked former US Secretary of State Madeline Albright to declare “I will be first in line to sign Trump’s Muslim Registry. I’d rather stand with those being oppressed rather than their oppressor.” Unfortunately for Ms. Albright there is no “Muslim Registry.” Worse, as a Jew, her volunteering to be among those deported could have negative repercussions on her physical safety among people whose Quran instructs them to kill Jews.”

Evidence Supporting Trump Impeachment Building

A mounting stream of outrages supporting a case for impeach President Trump has infested the news this week.

Elliott G. Holliday, a 20-year-old junior at North Carolina State University found a box of fried chicken on the hood of his car. “This affront occurred barely two days after the inauguration,” Holliday said. “The climate of race hatred encouraged by Trump must be answered by his immediate impeachment.”

During the inauguration protest rioters smashed the windows of a limo owned by Muslim entrepreneur Muhammad Ashraf. Window smasher Joshua Doltson blamed “Trump’s culture of bigotry for driving me to inadvertently harm a man who our movement is trying to protect. If Trump was impeached I wouldn’t need to be rampaging in the streets.”

A study of United Van Lines destinations revealed a continued trend of folks moving from high-tax to low-tax states. New York Governor Andrew Cuomo (D) sees this as “a threat to good government that needs to be stopped. Since there’s no chance that Trump will act to counter this threat, impeachment is the only viable option for preserving our way of life in New York.”

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) cited Trump’s proposal to cut federal spending by 10% and federal staffing by 20% “blows against the social justice my Party and all good people stand for. Since he can carry out this crime by simply refusing, as President Obama had to do on occasion, to spend money Congress has appropriated it is essential that we work toward impeaching him to save the nation.”

The New York Times pointed out “the deceptive and possibly illegal deletion of a tweet in order to correct the spelling of the word ‘honored’ by Trump is indicative of the lengths to which this madman will go to mislead and intimidate the Amer4ican people. It is imperative that he be removed from office as soon as possible.”

At a library on the campus of the University of Washington a loud anti-Trump demonstration was interrupted by a student who was trying to study. University President Ana Mari Cauce apologized to the demonstrators for their being told to quiet down. “This type of suppression of freedom of speech is something I fear will become more and more common the longer Donald Trump remains as president. Surely Congress can see its duty to taken action to prevent this type of Trump-inspired usurpation of our constitutional rights.”

Lastly, CNN reported that “Trump’s failure to wave to the press as he was boarding Air Force One—something that every president since Kennedy has done—is an ominous sign that he harbors dictatorial aspirations. There could hardly be a clearer demonstration that we need to impeach this would-be tyrant before it’s too late.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News 

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

 

Sanders Says American Poor Worse off than Poor Anywhere Else

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnDespite the fact that the living standards of those in poverty in the United States exceed the standards of the middle class in most countries, recent Democratic presidential candidate Senator Bernie Sanders tweeted that “America’s record is worse than virtually any other country on Earth.”

A lot of people have been bad-mouthing Venezuela because of shortages of essentials and their high cost,” Sanders said. “But the people are united by their equality. No one is allowed to hoard more than his fair share. And say what you will about Stalin’s Soviet Union, but there everyone was guaranteed a job. Even political dissidents were given the opportunity to mine for gold and cut timber.”

It’s not the absolute quantity of goods and services that determines whether a society is just,” Sanders maintained. “It’s whether the people can count on their government to stand for social justice. In the United States we clearly can’t count on that. Too many people are left free to pursue their own selfish interests. I suspect this will get worse under a Trump Administration. We have elevated a partisan of greed who will ruthlessly discriminate between those willing and able to contribute and those who aren’t to lead the nation. I fear dark days lie ahead for those of us who believe in Socialism.”

The Media Strikes Back at Trump

Stung by the network’s public humiliation as “fake news” by Donald Trump in last week’s press conference, CNN’s top executive, Jeff Zucker, vowed to strike back.

What Trump failed to consider is that cutting us off from direct access doesn’t affect our ability to shape how viewers will perceive him,” Zucker pointed out. “As he should know by now, his actual words and deeds pose no constraint on our reporting. And even though our audience share may be shrinking overall, we still dominate in public venues like airports and gyms. Further, there’s only one television network that is seen in Beijing, Moscow, Seoul, Tokyo, Pyongyang, Baghdad, Tehran, and Damascus — and that’s CNN. We can poison his reputation around the world and he will be helpless to prevent it. At the very least we can ensure that his foreign policy is a failure.”

CNN talking head Wolf Blitzer reminded the crazed segment of the network’s audience that “if something were to happen to Trump, Pence, Ryan, and McConnell before the transfer of power is completed a member of the Obama Administration would assume the presidency. So, it’s not too late to avert the tragic miscarriage of justice inflicted on America by Russia’s hacking of the election.”

Kyle Pope, editor of the Columbia Journalism Review, wrote an open letter from “the US press corps” in which he warned Trump that “we have the upper hand. We make the rules. We decide what is true. We decide how much airtime or column inches you and your henchmen will get. You are only one man. We are legion. You will come out the worse for identifying us as your enemies.”

In related news, CNN’s Marc Lamont Hill labeled the blacks who have met and conferred with President-Elect Trump “mediocre negroes.” The individuals who have met with Trump in recent weeks included Martin Luther King III, rapper Kanye West, billionaire Robert Johnson, and NFL Hall of Famers Jim Brown and Ray Lewis. While many would consider these men accomplished and successful, Hill insisted that “the very fact that they sat down with this country’s leading racist casts a shadow over their presumed achievements. No genuine black would stoop so low.”

Free Speech Suppressed at Marquette University

Professor John McAdams has been suspended for the past two years for questioning a colleague’s suppression of free speech in his classroom. Marquette President Michael Lovell is adamant that “McAdams will not be reinstated until he confesses his error and apologizes for deviating from correct thought.” The whole mess started in 2014 when McAdams posted his concern on his own blog that his colleague’s policy forbidding students from disagreeing that gay marriage was a “good thing.”

Informed opinion has determined that gay marriage is appropriate,” Lovell argued. “We cannot abide a member of our university’s teaching staff undermining this truth by sowing doubt about the wisdom of a colleague’s efforts to enforce this truth in his own way. By raising questions McAdams has violated his colleague’s academic freedom and endangered the education of dozens of students.”

Lovell rejected contentions that penalizing McAdams or that penalizing students for challenging gay marriage might violate their academic freedom. “Their is no academic freedom to speak falsely,” Lovell claimed. “The quaint notion that truth will emerge from an environment where every idea may contend for believers is dangerously mistaken. It is our duty as educators to confront and exterminate lies wherever we find them. Until Dr. McAdams acknowledges this duty we cannot permit him to enter the classroom.”

Merkel Disputes Contention Her Immigration Policy Has Been a Disaster

German Chancellor Angela Merk took issue with Donald Trump’s contention that her immigration policy has been “a disaster” and “a catastrophic mistake.”

Mr. Trump’s view is short-sighted,” Merkel contended. “He sees the crimes being committed in Germany by these Muslim refugees as an unalloyed negative. We don’t. Certainly, there have been some short term annoyances. But longer term we are building a stronger Germany. The fecundity of these immigrants is precisely the medicine we need to offset native Germans’ lack of enthusiasm for reproduction. On top of this, the ferocity of Muslim males will bolster the next generation of German armed forces. I believe our country will emerge as a major power when we can count jihadas one of our new tactics.”

I stand corrected,” Trump said in response. “I thought Chancellor Merkel was misguided. Her latest explanation, though, conveys a degree of insanity that should frighten every German and European. The damage that might be done by a Germany injected with an Islamic toxin could ignite another holocaust.”

In related news, outgoing CIA Director John Brennan advised Trump that “he should watch what he says about the intelligence community. He may think that as president he is the world’s most powerful man, but the real power is wielded by the CIA and other similar organizations. If necessary any one of these organizations could terminate Trump’s power in an instant. The CIA has taken out non-compliant national leaders around the world. and, as Sen. Schumer has reminded everyone, they could do the same here if it becomes necessary.”

Illegal Alien Sues San Francisco

Pedro Figueroa Zarceno has filed a lawsuit against the City of San Francisco for violating its illegal “sanctuary city” ordinance by turning him over to U.S. immigration authorities after he reported his car stolen. “They have violated the rights their law said I had,” he complained.

John Cote, a spokesman for the San Francisco city attorney, defended the City, saying that “the sanctuary is intended to shield immigrants who have been charged with crimes, not those who are the victims of crimes. The fact that Mr. Figueroa owned an automobile indicates that he was trying to hop onto America’s ‘capitalist greed train.’ This is contrary to the diversity objectives that inspired City officials to declare San Francisco a ‘sanctuary city.’ That Figueroa would attempt to hijack a benefit not intended for him is, in our opinion, sufficient reason for him to be deported.”

In related news, California Governor Jerry Brown (D) wants to raise gasoline taxes by 42% and vehicle license fees by 141% in order to bailout the state’s public pension fund. The Fund has been burdened by a bloated and overpaid bureaucracy’s entitlement to exorbitant retirement benefits. “There are no good options,” Brown admitted. “But given the choice between making the drivers who pollute our air and clog our roads pay or trimming back what we’ve promised to our state employees, it was clear to me what I should do. State employees are mostly loyal to the progressive agenda we’ve been pursuing. They deserve loyalty in return.”

Obama Says Fox News, Rush Limbaugh Ruined His Presidency

In an interview with Lester Holt on NBC’s Dateline, President Obama blamed right wing media for “ruining my presidency. All the respectable sources saw the greatness I brought to the office. They were able to put the inevitable glitches into perspective and did not dwell upon them. This was not the case with those media that were out of step with their peers. Every misplaced dollar, every casualty overseas or domestically was mercilessly scrutinized and second-guessed by Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity.”

When the choir doesn’t all sing from the same hymnal a cacophony of noise drowns out the positive message that could have been promulgated,” the President sadly observed. “These critics hurt the country by undermining people’s faith in my leadership. Such disloyalty is the epitome of treasonous behavior. Unless the country can find a way to regulate what is reported and said in the media I’m afraid that we will never achieve the kind of unity needed for progressive values to prevail.”

In related news, President Obama gave a pep talk to teary-eyed reporters at his final press conference. “We’ve had some good times together and we all wish it could go on forever,” he asserted. “But the law doesn’t permit that. The crucial message I want to convey to you all is that the time for sycophancy is over. You will need to switch from ally to adversary to carry on the fight for social justice while Trump is in the White House. You’ve nibbled at this during the campaign, but you must now be prepared to go all out, all the time and hold nothing back. The future of progressive ideas depends upon you.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

 

DOJ Inspector General to Probe FBI

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnDepartment of Justice Inspector General Michael Horowitz announced “an in-depth probe of the strange pre-election day behavior of FBI Director James Comey. Despite the Attorney General’s clear wishes that there be no investigation or prosecution of former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, Comey, who is subordinate to the AG, took it upon himself to issue a public statement announcing a reopening of such an investigation barely a week before the election. This insubordination had the effect of undermining Mrs. Clinton’s campaign.”

“Everyone thought the message had gotten through to Comey when the FBI was denied subpoena powers to compel testimony,” Horowitz explained. “Further, the AG’s grant of immunity to potential witnesses and the ordered destruction of laptops that may have contained information that needed to be kept from public scrutiny should have ended the matter. And so it seemed when Comey made his July recommendation against prosecution based on these impediments to a possible conviction. Mr. Comey’s u-turn on October 28 was a stunning reversal that took a solid week of internal pressure to get him to change course, yet again.”

“Mr. Comey may think he is home-free now that Trump will be the next president a week from now,” Horowitz declared. “But his troublesome meddling will have its consequences both for him personally and the FBI.”

The IG’s action was hailed by the Clinton camp, which is said to be preparing a multi-billion dollar lawsuit for damages. Donna Shalala, president of the Clinton Foundation called “the financial setback to our fund-raising capabilities devastating. The donations that would have flowed into the Foundation if Secretary Clinton had been elected president as we expected have shriveled following her unwarranted defeat. We are suing to compel Mr. Comey and the government to compensate us for the losses caused by his indefensible actions.”

“While it appears unlikely that we could get the court to invalidate the election outcome, we do believe that Mr. Comey will be financially ruined and the federal government, which should have used more permanent methods to contain him, will be ordered to make up for the lost donations—an amount that rightfully should run into the billions of dollars,” Shalala maintained.

Obama Orders Cuban Escapees Sent Back

In his last week before leaving office, President Barack Obama overturned a 50-year U.S. Government policy of allowing Cuban refugees who reach our shores to remain in the country. In contrast to the “dreamers” that Obama has declared must not be sent back to Mexico even though they entered the United States illegally, Cubans arriving without visas will be expelled.

“Refugees from Mexico have a legitimate reason for coming to America,” Obama said. “Their country’s economy isn’t providing sufficient jobs or benefits to support their survival. Cubans don’t face this kind of hardship. Their government is dedicated to ensuring social justice. Everyone who wants a job is guaranteed one. Crucial social services like education and medical care are provided free of charge to all Cubans. There is no valid reason for them to want to leave and even less reason to allow these deranged individuals to stay here.”

The move is seen as a key to improving the relationship between Cuba and the United States. “For too long we have assumed an adversarial stance toward our southern neighbor,” the President asserted. “This has blinded us to the very real progress made under the rule of the Castro brothers. Though our previous policy has proven a drain on the Cuban economy by siphoning off people whom the Cuban government has borne the expense for educating and nurturing, the Castro Administration has graciously agreed to readmit its citizens that we return to them. This demonstration of goodwill in the face of the abuse our country has heaped upon Cuba over the years is an encouraging sign of the brighter future both countries can look forward to in the decades to come.”

Celeb Calls for Military Coupe to Avert Trump Presidency

Comedian/actor Rosie O’Donnell urged President Obama to order military rule “to prevent the inevitable tyranny Donald Trump will impose on America.” O’Donnell’s panic takes her long-running public feud with Trump over the edge into total madness.

“A person who has shown no respect for me or the other members of the entertainment world has no business being the president of our country,” she argued. “Sane Americans revere us for all we do to entertain and educate them. That Donald Trump doesn’t is a slap-in-the-face to all the fans who pay to see us perform. He has insulted us all and, as Meryl pointed out at the Golden Globes, endangered an industry vital to our nation’s survival. It is the duty of President Obama to take the extralegal steps needed to save us all before it is too late.”

“Martial law is necessary because even if Trump were jailed or killed there would still be millions of his insane supporters running loose, many of them armed and dangerous,” O’Donnell explained. “They all need to be rounded up and separated from the general population. Maybe put into work camps where they will be re-educated and can finally be forced to contribute something positive to society.”

In related news, fellow celeb Madonna, whose insincere offer of “blow jobs for guys that vote for Hillary” may have negatively affected the electorate’s willingness to back her preferred candidate, told of her “narrow escape” from an election evening pledge to devote her life to God if Hillary won. “Sure, having Trump as president is a bummer, but, in hindsight, it will be a lot easier to swallow than if I would have had to keep that pledge,” she admitted. “I suppose I could have welshed on the deal without any of my fans being offended.”

Fake Scandal Fails to Take Down Trump

A bogus dossier alleging that Donald Trump paid Russian prostitutes to urinate on a hotel bed in Moscow has not had the impact that Trump’s enemies had hoped. The scheme hatched by CNN came unraveled when the Director of National Intelligence, James Clapper denied that the salacious document was prepared by any member of the U.S. Intelligence Community.

Despite the lack of any evidence to support the mystery dossier’s claims, CNN went public with “news of” the “existence” of such a report hoping to insinuate enough dirt to damage the incoming administration while preserving its “journalistic integrity” by not actually publishing the content of the document itself. That task was undertaken by NBC-owned BuzzFeed.

CNN’s anticipated ambush of the president-elect at his press conference earlier this week ran off the rails when Trump refused to accept any questions from Jim Acosta, the network’s reporter at the event. The hyper-belligerent Acosta’s sustained effort to shout down everyone else in the room only earned him and CNN the label of “fake news” from Trump.

“It was outrageous and completely inappropriate,” a very distraught Acosta said afterward. “’Fake news’ is a term we invented to discredit right wing media. Trump’s attempt to tag us with it is unprecedented. We are the ones who are qualified to establish what is fake and what is not. We are trained professionals. Neither Trump nor anyone else is qualified to make such a judgment. They are all just an amateurs.”

“What this country desperately needs is an official pre-publication vetting process,” Acosta pleaded. “Right now there is a proliferation of erroneous news throughout the Internet by an army of ignorant naifs. This needs to be stopped. We need a government agency like they have in China or France that is staffed by people who have the credentials validating their expertise to sift through content before it can be posted. That this wasn’t accomplished when they had the majority in Congress is one of the Democratic Party’s major failures during President Obama’s tenure in office. Now there’s no telling how anarchic things will get with the Republican holding both Houses of Congress and the presidency for the next two years.”

Obama’s Fabulous Farewell Fantasy

In the midst of his lengthy farewell address, outgoing President Barack Obama averred that “one of my proudest accomplishments has been that there have been no Islamic terror attacks on my watch.” A key to this accomplishment has been the clever reclassification of murders committed by self-professed jihadis as “other types of crimes.”

The murder of 13 unarmed soldiers at Fort Hood in Texas in November 2009 by a Muslim praising Allah during the shooting spree was characterized as “workplace violence” by the Obama Administration.

The detonation of a bomb killing three and maiming dozens at the Boston Marathon by two foreign-born Muslims in April 2013 was deemed to be a “stumper” by the Obama Administration. “The younger Muslim had ‘movie star’ looks,” Obama observed. “Given this great asset his involvement remains a mystery to this day. My bet is on a sibling rivalry gone horribly wrong.”

In Chattanooga, Tennessee a devout Muslim shot and killed five at a Navy recruitment center in July 2015. “This couldn’t be Islamic terrorism because Islam is a religion of Peace,” Obama contended. “So it can’t be this young man’s religious devoutness that accounts for the event. It must be something deeper inside his psyche.”

A “very religious” Muslim husband and wife team attacked a company Christmas party in 2015 and murdered 14 of the husband’s co-workers. “The fact that this took place at a place of employment pretty clearly demonstrates that ‘workplace violence’ is the real motive behind this tragedy,” Obama argued. This was despite the couple’s proclaimed allegiance to ISIS after their rampage.

In June 2016, an Islamic fanatic massacred 49 at a homosexual night club in Miami, Florida. “Clearly, this was anti-gay violence of the sort we might see from any home grown bigot,” Obama insisted. “To imply that Islam was in some way a factor is a slander.”

There also have been dozens of lesser known “honor” killings involving mostly Muslim-on-Muslim mayhem and numerous crimes carried out by Muslims murdering apostates, heretics, Jews, and Christians. In each and every case, the Obama Administration has sought to promulgate “personal,” “idiosyncratic,” and “indeterminate” motives for the commission of these crimes.

So there you have it. Where normal people would be inclined to jump to the conclusion that Muslims committing these acts for professed religious reasons, and in many cases, using traditional Islamic methods like beheading a victim, President Obama has reassured a concerned nation that there has been no Islamic threat during his presidency. It’s “all in our heads.”

In related news, Obama disavowed any personal responsibility for the decline of the Democratic Party during his tenure as president. In the eight years of his Administration, the Democratic Party lost a net of 13 U.S. Senate seats, 69 House seats, 12 governorships, and 900 state legislative seats. “Polls show I am extraordinarily popular with the American people,” the President boasted. “I am the ‘coolest’ president this nation has ever had. I’m far more popular than my successor. It is the rest of the members of the Democratic Party who have failed to keep pace.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.