Candidate Comes Out Against Meat and Autos

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

In a bid to outflank his Democratic presidential rivals, entrepreneur Andrew Yang vowed to “severely curtail the consumption of meat” and “do away with privately owned and operated automobiles.”

Yang contrasted “my honesty with the deceptive presentations of the other Democrats running for president. Their implication that all it will take to battle climate doom is to tax the rich and tout this as the height of virtue won’t cut it. There isn’t enough money in the hands of rich people to pay for the kind of gut-wrenching changes in behavior that are required. Ninety-nine percent of the population is not rich. These are the people who will have to make the necessary sacrifices if we hope to save the planet.”

The candidate’s “two-pronged approach would entail measures like higher taxes and strict regulations to price meat out of the budget for ordinary consumers and outlawing private citizens from owning automobiles. The ‘impossible burger’ invented by Burger King shows how those who crave the taste of meat can be satisfied with veggie patties. The emergence of driver-less vehicles shows how an ‘Uber-type’ fleet could serve all needs for individualized travel.”

Yang tried to reassure everyone that “important travel by important persons like government officers would, of course, be accommodated by having automobiles set aside for their exclusive use. Likewise, meat, while prohibitively expensive for most, would still be available for crucial occasions like state dinners with foreign dignitaries.”

GOP Candidate Seeks Votes of Fellow Pessimists

Former Rep. Joe Walsh (R-Ill) says he wants to give voters who, like himself, have given up on America a choice in the 2020 election. “The Republican Party has become unrecognizable to me since Donald Trump has become president,” Walsh complained. “He has turned the venerable party of convivial losers into bare-knuckle brawlers vying for control of the government against our estimable friends on the other side.”

Walsh says he is “particularly disturbed by the interruption of the transformation set in motion by former President Obama. Trump has unleashed an uncomfortable acceleration in economic growth that threatens to scramble social classes. Minorities that have been successfully controlled by economy-stagnating federal policies and sedating welfare benefits are being lured into degrading wage-slavery and the uppity attitudes that inevitably follow from self-sufficiency. I’m running to offer Republican voters a chance to veto this dangerous u-turn from the comfortable trajectory we were on a scant three years ago.”

Presidential Candidate Drops Out

New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio has dropped out of the race for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination, blaming “the ingratitude of Democratic voters for the unique perspectives I’ve brought to the campaign.”

Among the “unique” perspectives cited by the Mayor were “the overlooked progress I’ve made in converting New York into a model society. I’ve championed efforts to unlink compensation from work or achievement. My programs have gone a long way toward enhancing the habitat for urban vermin and allowed their populations to increase. San Francisco and Los Angeles have been garnering most of the headlines and few Democrats are aware of the leadership I’ve demonstrated in this area.”

De Blasio also blamed President Trump for “unfairly ignoring New York and hyping the west coast cities. Our taxes are at least as high. Our rats are among the biggest in the country. Mentally deranged humans roam freely throughout the streets. We have driven more capitalist exploiters out of the state than any other city in America. It is shameful that as a native New Yorker himself Trump has chosen to boost the accomplishments of California to our detriment.”

As if to rub it in, this week the Trump Administration filed a “Notice of Environment Violation” against San Francisco citing the runoff from human feces and used syringes deposited on the streets by the homeless. San Francisco Mayor London Breed called the move “an intrusion on our sovereign right to govern this city as we see fit. If voters become displeased with what we’re doing they can elect someone else.” The Trump Administration also rebuffed a Los Angeles appeal for federal aid to assist its homeless program, arguing that “it would be unfair to tax the whole nation for the expense of cleaning up a mess caused by poor local policies. Excreting bodily waste onto the streets is illegal. Taking dangerous drugs is illegal. Harassing passersby demanding handouts is illegal. If the City were to make a genuine effort to enforce the law and still needs federal assistance then we could talk.”

Buttigieg Tries to Appear More “Moderate”

Angling to position himself as a “moderate” in hopes of garnering the votes of Democrats alarmed by the continuing incoherence of doddering “moderate” former Vice-President Joe Biden, South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg took a swipe at rival candidate Sen. Elizabeth Warren’s “extremely evasive” stance on her Medicare for all health plan.

“Did you see her on the Colbert show?” the Mayor asked. “When a loyal progressive like Colbert is left mystified by how she plans to pay for this extravaganza everyone should be concerned. It’s looking more like her ‘plan for that’ meme is to promise the undeliverable and obscure the massive costs by simply ignoring them. At least Sen. Sanders admits that his virtually identical plan requires middle-class tax hikes.”

In a similar vein, Buttigieg sought to differentiate himself from LBTG extremists by alleging his “disgust with the flagrantly outrageous flaunting of stereotypical ‘gay’ lifestyles, garish costumes, and clownish antics. It smears us normal gays who want a more traditional life of marriage and children by implying that all gays are self-destructive social misfits.”

In related news, Buttigieg worried that “the most tragic outcome stemming from the discovery of more than 2,000 bodies of aborted babies found in the home of Dr. Ulrich Klopfer after his recent death would be for women to alter their decision to abort an unwanted child. In the big scheme of things, the idiosyncratic hoarding of fetal remains by Klopfer is a minor concern when juxtaposed to the tremendous health benefits of the procedure.”

Sanders Supports Asylum for Climate Refugees

Democratic presidential contender Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders says he is “positively disposed to accepting climate change refugees into this country. Many rich people have multiple residences in different parts of the United States or the world where they can go when the weather is bad. Poor people deserve this same option.”

Sanders suggested that “we create a line item in the federal budget to fund the transportation and lodging costs of anyone who wants to come to America because of the climate in their country of origin. It’s not fair that these people should be forced to endure uncomfortable living conditions just because they were unlucky enough to be born in a foreign land where air conditioning is unavailable or unaffordable. It is their human right to live where they please. It is our obligation to enforce this universal human right.”

To put your money where his mouth is, the Senator unveiled his $2.5 trillion “Housing for All” plan. “Responsible societies don’t let anyone suffer from lack of adequate housing,” he contended. “Governments have a solemn obligation to provide this necessity for everyone who can’t afford it.”

The enormous cost of his plan is due to Sanders’ insistence that “we need to go beyond the stark kinds of public housing we’ve been offering and give the poor the kinds of amenities that the middle class has—a nice house in a good neighborhood with good public schools and a low crime rate.” The prognosis for this plan is not favorable. Middle class neighborhoods are “good” because the inhabitants have to work hard to make them that way. With their own money on the line houses tend to be more well-maintained than the heavily subsidized housing government provides for persons unable or unwilling to work to sustain their cost of living. The absence of this incentive in the Sanders plan works against its intended beneficence.

Clinton Accuses Trump of Election Violation

Former Secretary of State and loser to Trump in the 2016 presidential election Hillary Clinton called reports that President Trump had spoken with a Ukrainian leader “collusion with a foreign power to help him win an election.” Her charge was sparked by an unconfirmed report that Trump has suggested that Ukraine “take a look at a boast by then Vice-President Joe Biden that his threat to cancel US aid to Ukraine persuaded that government to drop an investigation into a questionable business deal between Biden’s son and a Ukrainian company.

While it is plausible to posit that evidence of corruption involving Biden could help Trump in a future election in which the two were opposing candidates, it is also plausible to posit that potentially corrupt deals aided by overt extortion might be worthy of a more thorough examination. Nevertheless, an irate and vengeful Clinton demanded that Trump’s phone call be added to “the list of impeachable offenses being amassed by the House of Representatives.”

Clinton contrasted “Trump’s abuse of presidential authority” with her 2016 “campaign’s honest purchase of damaging intelligence” compiled by former British spy Christopher Steele. “We used contributions freely given by private individuals who supported my election. There was no misuse of government authority to try to sway an election. And even if there were, I didn’t win so I can’t be impeached. Besides, there is also the issue of double jeopardy. Since my husband was impeached and acquitted, under the law of community property if I ever become president I would be immune to impeachment.”

Trump Cash to Be Added to Impeachment Inquiry

A photo of President Trump boarding Air Force One with a wad of twenty-dollars bills in his back pocket has spurred new charges of impropriety on his part. House Judiciary Committee Chairman Jerry Nadler (D-NY) wondered “why would a president need to carry cash around? The standard practice for previous presidents was to order some nearby underling to pay for whatever he needs. Trump’s deviation raises serious questions about his fitness for the job.”

For his part, Trump claims that “the cash is for tips. When a working person does me a service I like to tip him. That’s what I’ve always done. I can’t imagine why a president should expect someone else to pay the tip or to not give one. Tips make up a significant part of the income for many jobs. I don’t think it’s right to stiff these people.”

Nadler wasn’t swayed by the president’s explanation, saying that “I could see carrying some singles or loose change if tipping were the real purpose. A twenty is too much. I wouldn’t rule out the possibility that Trump is attempting to buy the votes of these working people by feigning generosity with his own money. It’s the Democratic Party that champions the working man. Trump seems to be trespassing where he doesn’t belong.”

The Congressman also called the startling increases in employment achieved since Trump became president “suspicious. I think we can see a pattern here insidiously designed to overturn norms that have prevailed since the 1930s. This blatant attempt to alienate the affection of working people for the Democratic Party has ominous implications for the future of this country. We have an obligation to thoroughly investigate that to see if there is a political motivation behind it.”

In related news, an alternative to impeachment was envisioned by comedian Shane Gillis. Fresh off his ouster as a cast member of Saturday Night Live for the upcoming season, he told an audience foolish enough to pay good money to see his act that “of all the presidents I’ve been alive for, Trump would definitely be the funniest one to see get shot. He’d definitely make a funny noise when he got hit.” Gillis lamented that “I wasn’t alive when Reagan was shot, but I probably would’ve thought that was pretty funny too.”

Obama Mocks Trump’s TV Watching

Former president, and current Netflix TV show producer, Barack Obama mocked President Trump’s TV viewing habit, calling it “unpresidential and unnecessary. Presidents have a multitude of aides and advisers whose jobs are to keep him informed about all the important things going on. Trying to go it alone is wasted effort. He should just sit back and enjoy the perks. The government can pretty much run on its own without the president having to lift a finger.”

Obama also admitted that “I don’t watch TV. Most of it is crap. The so-called news shows are as phony as WWF wrestling. You know, everybody’s got their role to play. Only idiots would rely on TV to tell them what’s going on in the world. Apparently and sadly, Trump seems to be one of them.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Highlights of the September Dem Presidential Debate

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Further evidence that the roster of competitors for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination has no worthy candidates was exhibited as ten contenders offered their insane and tyrannical policy proposals in front of cheering Party faithful in Houston on Thursday.

So-called “moderate” former Vice-President Joe Biden asserted that “nobody should be in jail for a nonviolent crime. So some guy sneaks into your house and steals your stuff. Maybe he has a greater need for it than you do. Why should he go to prison for that? Chances are that most of these types of theft result in a more equal distribution of wealth. Isn’t that what all of us Democrats here tonight have been advocating? Granted, it would be more orderly for everyone to cooperate with our party’s plan to lawfully redistribute money, but we ought not punish those whose only fault is impatience.”

Former Texas Rep. Beto O’Rourke swears he will confiscate guns, saying “the current system where any law-abiding private citizen can own a firearm is f***ed up. So, Hell yes, I will end this travesty. The notion that citizens should have arms in order to deter the government from trampling their freedom is out-dated. Our government is a democracy. That means it represents the people. By definition, no action it takes after being voted into office can be tyrannical. Anyone who opposes government actions is a terrorist. Terrorists must be disarmed. If necessary, I will order US troops to go door-to-door to retrieve any guns not voluntarily surrendered. That is my pledge to the American people.”

Massachusetts Sen. Elizabeth Warren promised that “On my first day as president, I will sign an executive order that puts a total moratorium on all new fossil fuel leases for drilling offshore and on public lands. And I will ban fracking—everywhere. No business will be permitted to produce a product that consumers willingly buy if I determine that it is unnecessary. Historically, fossil fuels have led to too many bad habits. These include unnecessary travel that produces traffic jams and air pollution, excessive heating and cooling of buildings when simple reliance on appropriate garments would have sufficed, and lack of the kind of health benefits that daily exercise could have achieved if modern conveniences powered by electricity were unavailable.”

South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg asserted that “Trump’s attempts to limit immigration and build a wall to deter people from illegally entering the country are racist. Any voter who supports these policies is a racist. I agree with the Pope that every person in the world has a God-given right to emigrate to wherever he or she wants to live. We have no right to refuse to share the bounty that has been bestowed on us with anyone else who wants it. Most Americans have far more material possessions than they need or deserve. As the most devout Christian in this race, I am determined to see that these possessions are more equitably distributed to those in need.”

California Sen. Kamala Harris denounced local police, claiming that “they just harass people and take up space in poorer sections of our cities. I think we need to experiment with letting people in these neighborhoods police themselves. I’m confident that locals would arise and provide a kind of ‘street justice’ that would be more easily understood by the residents and enforced with less violence once the city police have been barred from these areas. The cumbersome process of arrest, trial, and incarceration would be displaced by a more efficient system.”

Former HUD Secretary Julian Castro accused Biden of being “a doddering fool” who is “incapable of completing a coherent thought without contradicting yourself halfway through your first sentence.” A gasp from the audience emboldened Biden to remark that “my mouth may run ahead of my brain sometimes, but at least I don’t have to stand on a box to try to convince myself that I’m big enough for the job of president.”

Meanwhile, excluded candidate Marianne Williamson inadvertently expressed her off-the-record mystification that “conservatives treat me nicer than the lefties do. My fellow Democrats are so mean.” After her observation was leaked to the media, Williamson was quick to absolve her fellow leftists by blaming “the negative aura that surrounds Trump for my bizarre earlier statement.” Despite this attempt to correct her thinking, it is not likely that she will be forgiven by her comrades in the Democratic Party.

California Set to Outlaw Independent Truckers

Democratic Gov. Gavin Newsom has said he will sign legislation that the California Trucking Association claims “will put tens of thousands of owner-operator truckers, who service agriculture, retail and other industry sectors, out of business.”

Newsom called owner-operated trucking “a no longer needed vestige of the past. I know that there is a certain kind of nostalgia for these modern day ‘cowboys’ driving goods around the state. But in the progressive future we envision for our state and the nation independent truckers are outside of the role required for a socially cooperative model of how the economy should operate. It should not be up to individual buyers and sellers to reach agreements on prices and routes for transporting commodities. Ideally, these determinations should be made by the government in order to ensure that resources are properly allocated to the most useful purposes.”

The governor tried to reassure independent truckers who have invested large sums to buy and operate their vehicles that “the government will purchase their trucks and hire the drivers to work as unionized employees. We will be converting them from being small-time capitalists into unionized members of a statewide drivers’ collective. They will be guaranteed fair wages and be relieved of the risks and uncertainties of independent operations.”

In other California news, Democrats in the California Senate gave party-line approval to a resolution demanding people of faith in the state change how they teach, preach, and counsel others related to LGBT identities and behaviors. Assemblyman Evan Low (D-San Jose), author of the resolution, argued that “our efforts to mold people’s minds to our way of thinking should not have to tolerate insidious and systemic contradictions from the pulpits of the state’s churches. Everyone needs to be on the same page if we are to overturn outmoded thinking about sex and gender.” Low admitted that “the current resolution doesn’t outlaw deviant preaching, per se. It is our hope that we can spark voluntary compliance and not have to go the route taken by the Chinese government to directly control religious doctrine via threat of punishment.”

GOP Pushes “Born Alive” Bill

After enduring more than 80 rejected requests for a hearing on their “Born-Alive Abortion Survivors Protection Act” bill, Republicans in the House of Representatives held their own “hearing” to call attention to their effort to pass this legislation. The legislation would require medical personnel engaged in performing abortions to render aid to any baby that survives the attempt to kill him or her.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) explained that “it is pointless for us to have hearings on a bill that will never be enacted. Our Democratic Caucus has already decided that once a woman has decided to abort her baby there should be no legal impediment to achieving the desired outcome. The fact that a small fraction of those targeted for termination accidentally escape the death that has been decreed for them doesn’t change the moral equation. No woman should have to endure the fate of unwillingly bringing another person into the world. Republican arguments that these abortion survivors could be raised by adoptive parents still inflicts the aborting mother with an unwanted inheritor of her genes existing somewhere in the world. This is wrong. We can never abide allowing the right to an abortion to be undermined in this way.”

Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Bernie Sanders praised Pelosi for “a courageous decision to uphold the principles of democratic socialism. The world is already severely overpopulated with wanted children. There is no good reason to add to this excess by saving the lives of children who are unwanted. Our progressive efforts to encourage women in Africa and Asia to abort more of their offspring would be muddled if we allow this Republican legislative monstrosity to take root in the United States.”

Dem Criticizes Bill of Rights

House Majority Whip James Clyburn (D-SC) says the Bill of Rights in the Constitution “does more harm than good in today’s society. When I see how people are abusing the Second Amendment. No telling what they’d do with the First Amendment. I think there would be a strong support against the Bill of Rights. I run into people every day who would like to see so much of those guarantees uprooted.”

The whip said he was “pleased to see such overwhelming support for severely restricting the right to bear arms from all of our Democratic presidential candidates. This unanimity stems from a perception of solid majorities who will vote for candidates who will take guns away from private citizens for their own good. In an ideal world, only the government would have firearms. This would greatly reduce unauthorized shootings while simultaneously reassuring armed government agents that resistance to their authority would be futile.”

“While the abuse of freedom of speech doesn’t have the immediate fatal impact that abuse of the right to bear arms does, the potential long-term consequences are just as concerning,” Clyburn added. “As we saw in Germany, the hate-filled speeches of a lone lunatic led to a worldwide conflict that cost the lives of millions. We have the technology now to police the statements of everyone in the country and can nip any bad ideas in the bud. We shouldn’t have to put up with the kind of anti-government views that seem to continually emanate from the right-wingers in our midst. I think if it were put on the ballot, voters would approve sensible censorship aimed at suppressing unacceptable political points of view.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. This post is also available on Facebook

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

CNN Climate Debate Publicizes Democrats’ Dictatorial Impulses

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

The seven-hour marathon Democrat town hall on climate change broadcast by CNN gave free rein to the worst impulses of the presidential contenders who participated. Even those who couldn’t participate chimed in later with their own coercive schemes designed to radically transform and impoverish everyone in order to save the planet from a vividly imagined doom that lies just over the horizon.

Sen. Elizabeth Warren (Mass) vowed to ban all fossil fuels by the year 2035. She characterized her plan as “more practical and merciful than Sen. Sanders’ plan to nationalize all the power companies. On the one hand, we all know that government-owned businesses are terribly inefficient. Poorly motivated employees hog-tied by oppressive bureaucratic red tape are a recipe for failure. My approach would mercifully kill off the fossil fuel industry and free up those currently employed to pursue more environmentally-friendly occupations like gathering fruits, nuts, and wild herbs.”

Former Vice-President Joe Biden correctly observed that China is the world’s largest contributor to the type of emissions that are linked to global warming and chided his rivals for overlooking this fact. He went on to promise that “one of my first acts as president will be to appoint my son Hunter to negotiate with the Chinese. He already has substantial business interests in China and has made many contacts. Hopefully we can revive the comity that existed between our two countries when Barack was president.”

Former Rep. Beto O’Rourke (Tx) warned that “our communities will soon be uninhabitable. Look at what’s going on in Los Angeles, San Francisco and Seattle. Rising global temperatures are sapping the energy of those in the homeless encampments to the extent that many are too weak to make it to the public lavatories provided for them and are forced to shit in the street just outside of their tents. These people are our ‘canaries in the coal mine.’ We ignore them at our peril.” O’Rourke went on to advise “constructing wind turbines at 100-yard intervals in every city to replace fossil fuels and cool overheated tent cities,” insisting that “the $100 trillion estimated cost would be money well-spent.”

Sen. Kamala Harris (Calif) says she will impose a “climate pollution tax against everyone who uses fossil fuels. This will dramatically increase the cost of using these fuels and encourage more conservation. People will travel and consume less. The $10 trillion raised by this levy will enable the government to make wiser uses of these resources than would be the case if the money were left in the irresponsible hands of selfish individuals.”

Sen. Bernie Sanders (Vt) advocated a radical population reduction program in which “the U.S. government provides a generous subsidy to the poor in Africa and Asia who are willing to abort their children. This will nip the demand for the material excesses that tempt people to engage in behaviors that harm the planet. I would combine this with the ingenious suggestion made by Swedish behavioral scientist Magnus Söderlund that we curb the demand for flatulence-emitting cattle by eating the corpses of people who have died. I expect that aborted fetuses would be especially tender and in high demand in the future we progressives are trying to build.”

All of the Democratic candidates firmly opposed fracking and nuclear power despite their positive impact on reducing carbon dioxide emissions. Sen. Cory Booker (NJ) explained that “shifting demand toward cleaner energy that’s affordable relieves people from making the kind of sacrifices we feel they need to make. Suffering for a great cause like slowing global warming brings people together. It’s uplifting and spiritually satisfying. We reject the GOP’s determination to deny this opportunity to the American population.”

South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg seconded Booker’s take, saying that “climate change is our generation’s World War II. Just as the free world banded together to fight fascism, we deserve the opportunity to band together to fight global warming. Just as the American people gave up many of their rights during WWII, Americans of today should look forward to reliving that effort and that era against today’s even greater threat of climate change.”

The CNN event inspired a tweet from President Trump mocking his Democratic rivals. “I thought that the event would be totally boring. The monotony of having to listen to these candidates’ drone on was every bit as dull as I expected. However, the repetition of insane and destructive policies from one-after-another of the would-be future presidents should persuade voters who love this country that none of these lunatics should ever be given the power that they crave.”

Senator Calls for More Censorship

Sen. Ron Wyden, (D-OR) threatened CEO Mark Zuckerberg with incarceration if he doesn’t do a better job of censoring the content posted on Facebook. “I know Mr. Zuckerberg thinks he’s done enough with his algorithms that dampen access to content that deviates from acceptable parameters of political discussion,” Wyden said. “He fears to go further due to the First Amendment’s protection of freedom of speech. But I want to remind him that it is not within his purview to determine the boundaries of freedom of speech.”

“The First Amendment is what creates the biggest opportunity for hate speech,” the Senator asserted. “People who previously had no affordable way of communicating their anti-progressive ideas can now reach millions via social media. Tech companies need to be far more vigorous about identifying, fingerprinting, and blocking content from these individuals. If these companies can’t do this their executives need to be fined or imprisoned.”

Smollett Lawyers Blame Police for Believing Jussie

Lawyers for “Empire” actor Jussie Smollett seek to avoid him paying for the $130,000 cost of investigating his claim that he was attacked by racists wearing “Make America Great Again” hats, by asserting that “it was the police’s fault for taking him serious.”

“Jussie’s story was so implausible that only an idiot wouldn’t have realized that it was bogus,” claimed Abe Aweasel, Smollett’s lead attorney. “The alleged after midnight assault on one of the coldest nights of the year by two white men in a black neighborhood was risible on its face. Add to this the fact that Jussie was unharmed and his Subway sandwich fully intact and it is clear that no investigation should’ve been undertaken.”

“The 1800 hours of police work that ensued was an incompetent waste of city resources,” Aweasel pointed out. “The attempt to collect the cost of this incompetence from our client is, itself, a racist assault on this troubled young man. The damage to his acting career from the revelation that the assault was a hoax will cost our client millions of dollars in future earnings. Mr. Smollett is the aggrieved party here and a counter suit to recover these lost earnings is fully warranted.”

Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot is expected to drop demands for compensation from Smollett on the grounds that “as a gay black man Jussie has already suffered enough from the poisonous racism and homophobia he has had to face all his life. In my review of the facts of the case I have to say that the humongous police effort on this case was not warranted. While they may have bent over backward to try to placate his initial accusation, simple common sense should have dissuaded them from doing any more than taking down his incoherent statement and putting it in the file.”

Candidate Takes Credit for Averting Hurricane Disaster

Democratic presidential candidate Marianne Williamson took credit for enabling the United States to avoid the type of destruction Hurricane Dorian wreaked on the Bahamas.

“While others have been quick to dismiss my campaign based on the power of love, it should be clear by now that I am the one candidate who is on the right track for healing this country,” Williamson boasted. “A few days ago I called for all those who love America to concentrate their thoughts on diverting Dorian from damaging the United States. While we were not completely successful, I am pleased to note that both the path of the storm and its intensity were dramatically altered by our efforts.”

The candidate contrasted the fate of the Bahamas, where 75% of the homes were submerged by the hurricane’s sea surge, to the much milder impacts observed on the United States’ east coast. “I regret that my brain power wasn’t able to save the Bahamas,” she said. “We probably could have done better if I were already the US president. I could have used the ‘bully pulpit’ of the presidency to recruit more people to focus their minds on abating the hurricane at an earlier stage and saved many more lives.”

Williamson compared “my unquestionably positive approach with Sen. Sanders’ crusty chastisement of people who live near the ocean, calling them ‘the architects of their own fate.’ Well, no one should be forced to be the architect of their own fate. All humanity needs to act as a single unit to guide everyone to the happiness promised all by the Declaration of Independence.”

SF Declares NRA “Terrorist Organization”

The San Francisco Board of Supervisors unanimously approved a resolution designating the National Rifle Association a “domestic terrorist organization.” While the NRA has taken no actions to terrorize anyone, District 2 Supervisor Catherine Stefani maintained that “their continued support for the Second Amendment is terrifying to me. The idea that every American should have the right to own a gun despite the government’s preference that they not, undermines respect for authority.”

Stefani characterized the NRA’s position as “an anachronism. At one time firearms were a very useful tool for bagging game and feeding the family. But now they are unnecessary. Even if we were to concede that eating meat is an acceptable dietary choice, we have supermarkets to supply this commodity.”

Stefani rejected the contention that the right to bear arms could be a valid check on government, saying “the so-called tyranny that sparked the American Revolution was a reasonable government effort to preserve order and obedience. If the British had succeeded in seizing the weapons stashed at Concord, Massachusetts the rebellion would have been averted, lives spared, and we’d still be enjoying the liberties currently allowed to all British subjects. Though we lost that opportunity back in 1776, I see no need to repeat the mistake of trying to preserve a means of resisting duly appointed authorities in today’s America. Clearly then, the NRA is as much of a terrorist threat as the so-called Sons of Liberty were so long ago.”

Former Housing and Urban Development (HUD) Secretary and current 2020 Democratic presidential candidate Julian Castro hailed the San Francisco action, calling it “a shining example for others to follow. The notion that our government could ever become tyrannical is absurd. Our government is a democracy. All of its laws and regulations are inherently legitimate enactments of the people. If the government decides to confiscate firearms that would be the people’s will and, consequently, not tyrannical.”

Castro’s assurance that the US government could never become tyrannical was cast into doubt by the US Department of Justice’s demand that Apple and Google hand over the names and phone numbers of 10,000 individuals who downloaded of Obsidian 4, a rifle scope app, from one or the other of the websites.

In related news, Maine has been named the safest state in America since the enactment of a “Constitutional Carry” law in 2015 that allowed residents to carry a concealed firearm without having to have a permit. In second place is Vermont, which is also a “constitutional carry” state.

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Kerry Announces Potential Deal with Iran

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

This week, former secretary of state for the Obama Administration John Kerry announced that he has negotiated a deal to reduce tensions between Iran and the United States.

“It was tough going,” Kerry admitted. “The unrelenting hostility of the Trump Administration toward Iran made that country’s leaders very skeptical of the possibility of ever getting to a satisfactory relationship with America. Nevertheless, after weeks of heart-to-heart talks, I was finally able to hammer out a plan to reestablish a path to restore the amicable relationship we had when I was secretary of state.”

“The terms are simple and easily attainable,” Kerry said. “All the United States government has to do to get back on Iran’s good side is revoke the sanctions imposed by President Trump, sincerely repent this act of aggression, and bow down to the Iranian Government. This is a small price to pay for the eternal peace that will follow from joining the umma.”

Kerry insisted that the terms he negotiated were “not a capitulation. Iran is magnanimously willing to waive the traditional demand of conversion to Islam and will permit a modest annual jizya payment to compensate Iran for the cost of protecting Americans from the righteous slaughter that the Quran prescribes for unbelievers.”

CNN’s Chris Cuomo called Kerry’s initiative “courageous and historic,” but was “not optimistic concerning its fate under Trump” because of “the President’s racism and hatred toward foreigners. Kerry’s deal would essentially reestablish the deal that President Obama previously agreed to. The bowing down performed by President Obama was barely noticeable to most Americans and the jizya payments were very affordable. However, since Trump unilaterally rejected the Obama deal I can’t see him coming to his senses now. It will be up to voters to show their support for the previous policies by electing a Democrat president in 2020.”

Biden Insists Mangled Story “Not a Gaffe”

A story that former Vice-President Joe Biden tried to tell during a New Hampshire campaign stop in which he got virtually every detail wrong—the time, the location, the act, the medal, the military branch, the rank of the hero, and his own role in the ceremony–”was not a gaffe,” he insisted.

“Look, in every war heroic actions are taken by somebody, somewhere, at some time,” Biden pointed out. “Does it really matter whether it was a soldier or sailor? Does it really matter what his or her rank was? The point is that medals for bravery are given out and I was at one of these ceremonies during my term as vice-president. This is why voters should support my campaign to be the next president.”

The former Veep went on to accuse the Trump campaign of “using this kind of hate speech against me in order to divert attention from his cruelty toward children. In none of his campaign appearances has Trump ever caressed the shoulders, sniffed the hair, or whispered in the ear of any child. He demonstrates indifference toward these young people. I, on the other hand, make sure I give youngsters the attention that shows I have the insight to sense their craving for the type of physical contact that assures them I can be trusted to do whatever it takes to make them feel good about themselves and America.”

In related news, candidate for the 2020 Democratic Party’s presidential nomination Massachusetts Sen. Elizabeth Warren vowed she “won’t let Trump get ‘handsy’ with me in the debates like he did with Hillary in 2016.” While there is no evidence that Trump ever laid a hand on Sec. Clinton in any of their televised debates, Warren insisted that “neither is there any evidence that he colluded with Russia or obstructed justice, but we all know that he did. Moral certainty must trump facts when it comes to making as important a decision as who will be the next president of the United States.”

Comey Demands Apology

Fired FBI Director James Comey demanded an apology after an inspector General’s report failed to recommend charges be filed against him for illegally leaking confidential FBI memos to the media. While President Trump tweeted that “Comey was thoroughly disgraced by the IG’s report,” Comey maintains that “I was exonerated. I was also pleased to see that the ‘Comey precedent’ that was established when I exonerated Hillary Clinton for her careless handling of classified material guided the Department of Justice decision to not press charges against me.”

“In a truly just world, I would, like former Secretary of State Clinton, now receive the covert assistance of the FBI, CIA and Department of Justice in an effort to help me win the 2020 presidential election,” Comey opined. “If the intelligence community could go so far out of its way to try to elect an outsider like Clinton, they ought be full-throttle in support of one of their own.”

Comey denied that his dream of covert intelligence community support for him to be president was unrealistic, pointing out that “Putin was a KGB operative before he became president of Russia. I would think that it should be obvious that not having an experienced member of the intelligence community at the top puts the United States at a distinct disadvantage compared to our chief geopolitical rivals. Overcoming this disadvantage should be our top strategic objective at this point in history.”

In related news, it appears that Clinton’s careless handling of classified emails resulted in “blind ccs” of 30,000 messages were transmitted to “” Carter Heavy Industries is a company operating in China. A spokesperson for Sec. Clinton speaking “off-the-record” explained that “this automatic forwarding of the Secretary of State’s emails was part of the Obama Administration’s efforts to build a stronger alliance with the Chinese government. Those who want to characterize it as illegitimate are overlooking the fact that it was done with the full knowledge and consent of President Obama.”

Sanders Praises China’s Progress in Addressing Poverty

Democratic presidential contender Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vt) praised the Chinese government for making “more progress in addressing extreme poverty than any country in the history of civilization. While it is unfortunate that millions had to die in order to achieve these results, we shouldn’t let bourgeois prejudices totally blind us to the positive aspects of their accomplishments. Sometimes harsh methods are required to do hard tasks.”

“If a country as backward as China was decides to sacrifice tens of millions of people now so that hundreds of millions may prosper later, can we really say that a wrong has been done?” Sanders asked. “And let’s not overlook the environmental benefits of lessening population growth. Every new human life taxes the planet’s resources and pollutes nature. Every human life eliminated reduces these evils. I think we should learn from China’s experiences, imitate their successes and try to avoid their failures.”

“My main beef with China is that it has relied on top-down authoritarian dictatorship to govern,” Sanders complained. “I think everyone would be more comfortable with a democratic socialist, bottom-up method of making the kinds of decisions needed. If sacrifices are required the mechanism that I prefer is democratic decision making. If the elected representatives of the people determine that some must sacrifice for the benefit of the collective whole, that is a morally just decision. We can still get to the promised land that Marx predicted, but do it by democratic means. Citizens will more willingly accept democratically arrived at decisions and there will be less need to repress the selfish individuals who resist the march of history toward true communism.”

In related news, Sanders lost the vote of San Francisco restaurant owner John Konstin for “being rude and cranky” during a campaign stop at his eatery. Bernie was unmoved by the owner’s complaint saying “my being here with my 15 aides brought him a lot of free publicity. I shouldn’t also have to be nice to his waiters. It’s his obligation to be nice to me. When I’m president he’ll wish he were. Presidents have ways of repaying those who help or hurt them after they win an election.”

Feces Removal Called “Racist”

The leftist utopia city of Seattle, like its sister cities San Francisco and Los Angeles, has a human feces problem. The homeless encampments that clog numerous public open spaces yield a daily deposit of thousands of new human turds on the streets and sidewalks. Almost everyone is bothered by this. However, a proposal to clean up the mess has been labeled “racist” by Councilman Larry Gossett.

Gossett pointed out that “a disproportionate share of the homeless population are minorities. I wonder if we would be so quick to criticize if these deposits were being made by whites? The power-washing that has been proposed will inconvenience the homeless residents. How many of us on the Council would tolerate city employees coming into our homes and power-washing our bathrooms?”

The councilman also observed that “using power-hoses to intimidate those demonstrating for equal rights was a key tactic of whites repressing blacks during the 1960s. I think the optics of using power-washing the feces will do more damage to our community than the alleged health threat of open-air defecation ever could.”

In an effort to generate a compromise solution, council member Claudia Balducci suggested deploying “social workers to pick up the droppings and carry them away in plastic bags. If dog-walkers can accomplish this task, why wouldn’t that work? Beat cops could accompany the social workers to protect them from assaults by the homeless residents.”

The city council was unable to agree upon an approach, citing cost as a major impediment. “This is a national problem, not a local problem,” Gossett maintained. “We shouldn’t be penalized just because the homeless choose to live in our great city. The feds need to provide funding to offset this cost. If FEMA can send aid for hurricane relief, they can send aid to us.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Buttigieg Blames Trump for Mental Illness

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Democratic presidential candidate, South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg latched on to what he characterized as “the irony of Trump’s insistence that mental illness is the key source of mass shootings when it is his policies that are generating the mental stress that pushes these people over the edge.”

“Let’s consider two examples,” Buttigieg suggested. “First, Trump’s economic policies have resulted in record numbers of people being employed. Work is one of the major sources of stress in a person’s life. The regimentation of the nine-to-five workday rat race dramatically reduces the amount of free time available to an individual. We shouldn’t be surprised if this spurs murderous impulses.”

“Second, Trump’s moves to decrease the frequency of abortions condemns individuals suffering from unwanted pregnancies to bear an increased risk of being burdened with parenting responsibilities they’d rather not have,” the Mayor asserted. “The ensuing surge in unwanted lives foments the anger that could easily inspire outbursts of homicidal rage.”

“If I am elected president I will reverse both of these policies,” he promised. “I will ratchet up taxes to dampen the economic expansion that has snared so many into wage-slavery. I will restore full federal funding for abortions and ensure that there are no restrictions as to who, how, or when they may be performed.”

In a more philosophic addendum to his remarks, the candidate cited a recent article written by Marcie Bianco in which she argued that “heterosexuality is just not working.” “The big downside of heterosexuality is that it is too easy to conceive a child,” Buttigieg observed. “Homosexual pairings do not bear this same level of risk. My husband and I will never be victimized by an unwanted pregnancy. Now that in vitro fertilization methods are available we have the means for evolving away from the accidental route to parenthood. The expensive, complex and arduous steps required will guarantee that only the most committed will become parents. I think full federal funding for this is the natural corollary for unrestricted abortion.”

In related news, Buttigieg pledged to “cut incarceration in half without increasing the crime rate. The key will be to decriminalize a lot of the offenses for which the current inmates have been imprisoned. We can start by eliminating all drug laws. Next in line would be to decriminalize all thefts in which the amount stolen is less than $1,000. Third would be the confiscation of all guns. Logically, if no one had a gun the entire category of armed robbery would be abolished.” Skeptics questioned the Mayor’s reasoning, pointing out that South Bend, the city he governs, has a crime rate more than twice the national average.

Sanders Demands Prosecution of Fossil Fuel Executives

Socialist presidential contender Sen. Bernie Sanders (Vt) vowed to “criminally prosecute the men who run the fossil fuel corporations that are wrecking the environment. The claim that they are merely giving their customers what they want—the fuel to cool and heat their homes and power the factories that produce merchandise and the fuel to power their cars and to truck the merchandise from factory to market—is the same type of claim that Al Capone used to justify his bootlegging.”

“It’s time for saner heads to make the hard decisions required to save the planet,” Sanders said. “We need to wean people off the idea that they should get what they want. Under democratic socialism the government will determine what is best for everyone. That’s why my $16 trillion green new deal calls for all resources to be controlled by the government. Only then can we ensure that these resources will be invested for the best purposes.”

Sanders rejected objections citing Venezuela’s socialist failures as a cautionary warning against the policies he is proposing, saying that “the claim that Venezuela’s approach has failed is a myth concocted by capitalists. That country has dramatically reduced its carbon footprint. Fossil fuel consumption has plummeted. Food that was previously discarded has been rescued from the dump and consumed. I see no reason why the United States cannot achieve similar results from a fully implemented green new deal.”

The senator rebuffed contentions that without the fossil fuels that his green new deal would eliminate air travel would be impossible. “First of all, a lot of the air travel we have now is unnecessary,” he argued. “A small reserve of fuel should be sufficient to sustain crucial government air travel. Candidates for federal office would still be allotted enough fuel to make necessary campaign stops. The unavailability of fuel for nonessential travel would spur innovations. I heard some interesting ideas on how gliders could be used to provide a modicum of air travel for non-government individuals. The only glitch is getting these vehicles airborne. But I remember as a kid using a rubber band to launch my mini-glider. Perhaps this could be adapted for larger craft.”

Meanwhile, Sanders has called for abolishing “right-to-work” laws, saying that “only capitalist oppressors would tout such a ‘right.’ Work is a burden. Government ought to relieve as many people of this burden as possible. When I am president only the rich will have the right to work. Everyone else will have the right to a fair share of the wealth created by those who are working.”

San Francisco Redefines Crime

Not content with the degradation of the city stemming from a lawless homeless population shooting up with drugs and defecating in the streets, the City’s Board of Supervisors has undertaken a scheme to define crime out of existence. “Terms such as ‘offender,’ ‘delinquent,’ ‘convicted felon,’ and ‘thief,’ will be replaced by less pejorative terminology,” said Supervisor Matt Haney.

“In place of these hurtful words we will heretofore use terms like ‘behavioral nonconformist,’ ‘naughty young person,’ ‘justice-involved individual,’ and ‘unlicensed income re-distributor,’” Haney promised. “Our aim is to avoid ruining lives by stigmatizing individuals in ways that would damage their reputations. Ideally, a lot of behavior that is currently illegal would be legalized and promote a greater tolerance for the eccentricities of some of our more colorful fellow residents.”

Meanwhile, the City of Baltimore has discontinued its aerial crime surveillance plane. The surveillance was fully funded by philanthropists John and Laura Arnold and cost the city nothing. Baltimore Police Department spokesperson Matt Jablow explained that “the feeling was that the program was inhibiting some of the City’s residents from carrying out their normal day-to-day activities.” Since Baltimore’s murder rate of 55.77 per 100,000 inhabitants is second-highest in the nation (only St. Louis at 66.07 is higher), perhaps inhibiting some residents’ normal activities would be a good thing.

In related news, NBC reporter Mike Viqueira took issue with President “Trump’s insistence on blaming shooters for the murders they commit. Those of us who cover these stories know that the shooters are often just as much a victim as those they kill. Many shoot themselves after they’re done shooting others. Shooters who survive have their lives ruined by lengthy prison sentences. And unlike Trump, we also know that if no one had a gun these shootings would never take place. The only thing that needs to be resolved is how to ensure that no one has access to firearms. Until we reach that state we know the massacres will continue.”

On the other hand, research has shown that guns in the hands of private citizens have prevented 400,000 life-threatening crimes per year and that 60% of convicted felons say they avoid targeting potential victims who they know are carrying firearms.

Biden Calls for Doubling Capital Gains Tax Rate

Alleging that “it was Reagan’s unwarranted tax cuts that led to the assassinations of Bobby Kennedy and Dr. Martin Luther King in the 1970s,” Democratic presidential candidate, former Vice-President Joe Biden called for “a doubling of the capital gains tax rate.”

“Trump is taking this country down that same disastrous path,” Biden claimed. “The tax cuts and deregulation he crammed down America’s throat have unleashed the same explosion of prosperity and greed that characterized that tragic earlier era. We must elect Democrats to avoid repeating these earlier mistakes.”

The former Veep vowed that “if I’m your next president, I will work with my good friends Sen. Byrd and Sen. Eastland to build a consensus for sensible tax reform that all Americans can support.”

In related news, Dr. Neal Kassell, the man who performed brain surgery on Biden in 1988 maintains that “he is every bit as sharp as he was 31 years ago. I haven’t seen any change.” The more than four decades of continued incoherence emanating from Biden both before and after the surgery validates Dr. Kassell’s assessment.

Trump Alienating Allies

Former Democratic presidential candidate Rep. Eric Swalwell (Calif) assailed President Trump for “alienating our allies to such an extent that they may not come to our aid should we be attacked.”

“A prime cause of the alienation was Trump’s bullying them to honor their NATO military commitments,” Swalwell contended. “This reversed decades of bi-partisan policy that looked the other way when our allies fell short of meeting their obligations. This bi-partisan policy built an enormous amount of good will that Trump has squandered.”

Swalwell rejected the idea that without meeting the NATO military obligations the so-called allies would not be in a position to come to our aide, saying that “physically, that might be true, but there is also the moral support aspect. As former President Obama pointed out, words matter. Realistically, words are about all we should expect in terms of support from these guys. They couldn’t fully defend themselves from the Nazis. They couldn’t have repelled a Soviet invasion on their own. They currently can’t even defend themselves from invasion by unarmed immigrants from Africa and the Middle East. The only aid they could provide for us is words of encouragement. That aid is what Trump has foolishly squandered.”

In related news, German Chancellor Angela Merkel demanded that other members of the European Union resume efforts to assist the invasion of these immigrants. “We’re caught between a rock and a hard place,” Merkel lamented. “If we don’t assist them we face immediate terror attacks. If we do, we may be able to avert these attacks by acquiescing to a more gradual demographic conquest, the consequences of which might be postponed for a decade or more.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Castro Defends Doxxing Trump Supporters

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

This week, Rep. Joaquin Castro (D-Tex), campaign manager for presidential candidate former Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Julian Castro, tweeted the names and places of employment for 44 San Antonio citizens who donated to President Trump’s campaign. The easily foreseeable consequence that these people would be harassed and threatened by left-wing loons quickly came to pass. Nevertheless, Castro lamely claimed that “it was not my intention to harass anyone. I just wanted everyone to think twice before they give any support to our racist President.”

Apprised of the harassment incidents—one woman received an obscenity-laced voice mail labeling her a “scumbag racist who should f*** yourself,” a business owner received 25 phone calls calling him a “racist” who should “burn in Hell”—Rep. Castro shrugged it off saying that “actions have consequences. If you donate to a white supremacist you should expect every decent person to hate you.”

It turns out that six of the doxxed Trump donors also donated to either to Rep. Castro’s congressional campaign and/or Sec. Castro’s presidential campaign. Rep. Castro brushed this aside, characterizing it as “a timely warning of traitors within the ranks of the democratic socialist movement. People need to understand that they are either with us or against us. They can’t hope to save their necks by straddling the gap between good and evil for a few thousand dollars in donations. When my brother becomes president we will purge society of all nonbelievers so we can unify the country in our march toward social justice for all.”

Biden Campaign Picks Up Steam

At an Iowa Democratic presidential campaign event, former Vice-President Joe Biden electrified an enthusiastic crowd of supporters by assuring them that “poor kids are just as bright and just as talented as white kids. They may not pay attention in school or get good grades, but many in our urban areas have shown entrepreneurial promise by establishing thriving small drug distribution businesses that have overcome the daunting opposition of the police and the law. This, not diplomas on the wall, is the kind of action that makes America great.”

Biden also tried to bolster confidence in Democratic electoral success by emphasizing that “we choose truth over facts. Republicans are fond of boasting about economic statistics showing rising wages and lower unemployment, but they overlook the toll that effort takes on a person’s psyche. Democrats know that the true path to happiness comes from reducing stress. Our plan to have the government play the leading role in the redistribution of wealth will reduce stress by guaranteeing a decent standard of living to everyone. Those who want to work will be permitted to continue working. Those who don’t will be free to enjoy the leisure previously restricted to the wealthy. This truth will triumph over the out-dated facts the GOP uses to oppress the middle class.”

Twitter Freezes/Unfreezes McConnell Account

This week, a menacing crowd assembled outside Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell’s home in an explicit effort to disrupt his convalescence after a fall broke his shoulder. Their activities included round-the-clock shouting of obscenities, demanding that “someone should stab him in the heart,” and chanting “murder Turtle”—a nickname political opponents have given the Senator.

In an attempt to document this harassment, a video of the crowd’s behavior was posted on McConnell’s Twitter account. Twitter froze McConnell’s account and demanded that the video be removed. Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey explained that “the foul language in the video violates our standards.” McConnell’s reply pointing out that the foul language emanated from his harassers failed to sway Dorsey.

Dorsey called McConnell’s action “an invasion of privacy and an attempt to chill freedom of speech. The people outside his house were standing on a public street. The Supreme Court has ruled that foul language is protected speech. The demonstrators didn’t agree to be videoed. Clearly, the Senator is in the wrong here. We had every right to ban his video.”

It was only after Republicans vowed to stop buying ads on Twitter that the firm reversed its action and unfroze McConnell’s account. “Sometimes being right isn’t enough,” Dorsey complained. “The financial extortion being applied by these enemies of democracy has forced us to yield to injustice. Some will say that a business as big as ours could easily get by without their ad revenues. However, if you want to be a billion-dollar corporation you’ve got to grab every dollar you can. As long as we’re forced to operate under capitalism that’s how we have to compete. Hopefully, a Democratic win in the 2020 election will usher in a different economic system.”

CNN Talking Head Calls for Trump Supporters to Be Eradicated

CNN’s Reza Aslan called “Trump’s supporters—ALL OF THEM—white nationalist terror supporters” who “must be eradicated from society.” Aslan insisted he wasn’t advocating violence: “I’m not necessarily saying they should be murdered in death camps as some have suggested. I think we go the re-education route that has been successfully employed by China. If we seize their wealth that would clip their wings. Then, if they can learn to keep quiet and behave themselves I see no need for their physical elimination.”

Meanwhile, fliers urging that Trump supporters be sent to death camps were posted at various locations throughout Long Island, NY. The Shock Theater Collective said the fliers are “part of a promotional effort advertising Shock Theater’s special summer show: “We the People.” The show’s plot features Trump supporters being terrorized. Spokesman Rodney Montgomery says “we’re using horror to bring a message of unity.”

Fired FBI Goons Sue

Former FBI employees—Deputy Director Andrew McCabe and Special Agent Peter Strzok—are suing the federal government, alleging that they were improperly fired from their jobs.

McCabe contends that his firing was politically motivated. “President Trump wrongfully ordered my dismissal solely on the grounds that my efforts to prevent his election and undermine his presidency were not appropriate actions for a man in my position to take,” McCabe said. “The orders I received to undertake the actions I took came down from duly appointed authorities in the FBI and DOJ. This includes the specific instruction to illegally leak classified information intended to mobilize voters to vote against Trump in the 2016 election. Getting fired for being a loyal follower of those above me in the chain of command was a moral atrocity.”

Strzok contends that “the evidence gathered against me was illegally obtained without my consent. The government should have known that I would use the phone issued to me for private communications with Ms. Page. The revelation that many of these communications exposed my virulent animosity toward Trump invaded my privacy. That animosity was characterized as compromising my credibility as an investigator. That was unfair. All of us working with Director Comey and then Special Counsel Mueller shared the same animosity toward Trump. That I was singled out and made a scapegoat was manifestly unjust.”

Despite being fired a year ago, Strzok is a frequent visitor to FBI headquarters, meets with high-level DOJ brass at a location across the street from the FBI headquarters, and still retains his top secret security clearance. His case has been assigned to Judge Amy Berman Jackson of the United States District Court for the District of Columbia. Jackson was appointed by President Obama and is expected to order Strzok reinstated with back pay and full pension rights. Perhaps McCabe will be equally “lucky” when his case is assigned to a judge.

Dem Presidential Candidate Follies

On the campaign trail this week the struggle for the Democratic presidential nomination continued to generate loony ideas.

New Jersey Sen Cory Booker’s campaign director for New Hampshire, Erin Turmelle, demanded an end to Trump rallies, calling them “a breeding ground for racism and bigotry. They are despicable and have no place in New Hampshire, or anywhere in our country. That’s why Trump must cancel all future rallies.” She rejected criticism calling the demand a violation of Trump’s freedom of speech, saying that “there is no freedom for hate speech” and suggested that Trump “campaign like a normal Republican candidate. He could learn a lot about decorum from the model presidential campaigns waged by Sen. McCain and former Massachusetts Gov. Romney.”

Former Texas Rep. Beto O’Rourke canceled a previously planned campaign trip to Iowa and is headed to Mexico “because there are more f***ing votes there than there are in Iowa. I’ll be meeting with Chihuahua Governor Javier Corral Jurado and Ciudad Juárez Mayor Armando Cabada to discuss ways to get more voters across the border before the 2020 election. It’s the best way to ensure that the murderous bastard Trump is defeated.”

Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders promised to institute food rationing if he is elected president, claiming it “will serve the dual purposes of fighting obesity and saving the environment.” The Senator laughed at charges that his plan will lead to shortages. “Shortages are a feature, not a defect of my plan. It is only by controlling food intake that we can assure that every American has a healthy diet. Lower food consumption will allow more farmland to revert back to a natural state. That will help the environment. Making people wait in line to receive their food allotment will help keep them from making trouble. And the shared suffering will unite the country under a regime of greater equality. I say if Venezuela can do it so can we.”

Massachusetts Sen. Elizabeth Warren called President Trump “a white supremacist who has done everything in his power to stir up racial conflict and hatred in this country. After two of his followers massacred dozens in El Paso and Dayton last weekend he failed to admit guilt. Instead, he tried to place the blame on the shooters, calling them deranged madmen.” Unfortunately for the Senator’s narrative, the Dayton madman was a registered Democrat who described himself as a leftist and looked forward to voting for Warren and a socialist America.

California Sen. Kamala Harris vowed to send armed men door-to-door to confiscate firearms should she be elected president. “The Second Amendment is out-dated BS,” she asserted. “The days of needing a gun to ward off predatory animals or marauding Indians are long gone. Most of these animals are on the endangered species list and the Indians have been pacified. History has shown that when the only legal guns are in the hands of the government, homicides committed by private citizens go way down. The population is also more docile and the laws are almost universally obeyed. This is the future we can have in America if progressive candidates prevail in 2020.”

Newspaper Criticizes Volunteers Who Cleaned Up City

After President Trump pointed out the rat-infested piles of trash strewn around Baltimore, a group of 100 volunteers conducted a massive clean-up effort. Though tons of trash were removed at no cost to the City’s inhabitants, the Baltimore Sun newspaper derided the volunteers.

While conceding that Baltimore is cleaner and healthier as a result of the voluntary clean-up, the paper’s editors found fault with the fact that the person who organized the clean-up is a Trump supporter. “If it had been anyone else, we would’ve been okay with it,” the editors wrote. “But having a Trump supporter do a good deed conflicts with the narrative that the President and his followers are a malevolent force in our nation. Undermining this narrative has a far greater negative impact on the ultimate objective of ousting this man from office than the petty gain of improving the lives of those living in our City’s slums.”

“The invasion of these good Samaritans and the quick results achieved also mocks the City Government’s indolence and ineffectiveness,” the editors added. “This lends credibility to President Trump’s charge that the government has wasted billions of dollars in aid received from the feds. The comments of slum dwellers thanking the volunteers and President Trump for inspiring their efforts presages an ominous desertion of minority voters from the Democratic Party. This threatens the progressive future this newspaper has been pushing for the City and America. Our only consolation is that the inhabitants of these slums are likely to undo the clean-up in a very short period of time and return their neighborhoods to their normal decayed and decrepit state.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

NY Bans Arming Teachers

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Despite a study by the Crime Prevention Research Center showing that nearly 90 percent of the mass shootings in America occur in “gun-free zones,” the New York legislature has just enacted a law that bans schools from allowing teachers licensed to carry firearms to bring their weapons onto school grounds.

Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D) characterized the new law as a “nonproliferation measure. The answer to gun violence never will be more guns. The notion that a so-called ‘good guy with a gun’ is an appropriate response to deter a so-called ‘bad guy with a gun’ is absurd. Teachers aren’t qualified to assess the motives of shooters who target students. Arming them would turn schools into free-fire zones and potentially result in increased casualties. It is better for students, teachers, and staff to hunker down and wait for police to arrive.”

Waiting for police to arrive was a key factor in the high casualty figures in the mass shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Florida last year. Nevertheless, sponsor of the New York legislation State Senator Todd Kaminsky (D-Long Island) averred that “it is better to endure a massacre that to have teachers dirty their hands by shedding the blood of a deranged assailant. After all, two wrongs don’t make a right. Innocent victims die with a clear conscience. Combatants violate the ‘thou shall not kill’ commandment.”

Harris Blames Russia

Contender for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination Sen. Kamala Harris (Calif) blamed Russia for the criticism leveled against her by rival contender Rep. Tulsi Gabbard (Hawaii) at the debate on Wednesday. Gabbard charged that as California Attorney General Harris cruelly prosecuted and incarcerated more than 1500 persons for mere possession of marijuana, even though Harris herself boasted of smoking weed during her college years. Gabbard also accused Harris of withholding exculpatory evidence in a case that put a man on death row.

While the facts support Gabbard’s charges, Harris complained that “Gabbard isn’t smart enough to have discovered these things on her own. She must have had help from the Russians. Haven’t the Russians already done sufficient damage to our democracy by helping Trump win in 2016? Are we going to stand by and allow them to advance the candidacy of a person with zero to one percent support in the polls by attacking the most qualified candidate running for president?”

Man Makes $1,000/Weekend Panhandling

In an effort to boost his flagging hopes, presidential candidate former Rep. Beto O’Rourke (D-Tex) glommed onto the case of an Abilene man as an example of “a more humane economic policy than the work-work-work model that President Trump has been imposing on our country.”

In Abilene, an individual posing as a wheelchair-bound homeless man has been raking in an average of $1,000 per week begging for money at the intersection of Hwy 83/84 and FM 707 every Saturday and Sunday. The man is neither disabled nor homeless. He characterizes his activity as “street theater. I play a part and my audience rewards me for my performance.”

O’Rourke praised “the creative ingenuity that can serve as an example of how individuals can pull themselves up by their own bootstraps and enjoy a better life. It’s not entirely unlike my own story where I’ve played the part of a trans-Latino and been rewarded by voters electing me to Congress for my performance. We have millions of street corners in America where others can emulate this man. It’s less confining than a regular job. A person is his own boss. He can set his own hours. He can enjoy more leisure time.”

The former Congressman vowed “to establish a program to train others on how to exploit this virtually untapped opportunity if I’m fortunate enough to be elected president in 2020.”

Candidate Advocates Christian Government

Democratic presidential candidate South Bend, Indiana Mayor Pete Buttigieg lambasted Christians for supporting President Trump.

“Trump makes a big show of supporting religious freedom, but ignores Christian obligations,” the Mayor said. “It was Jesus who pointed out that money was the domain of Caesar and that it was our obligation to render it unto Caesar. Well, in this day and age ‘Caesar’ is the government. It is our obligation to hand over our money to the government so it can do the charitable work that Jesus asked us to do. But what has Trump done? He’s pushed a tax cut through Congress that reduces the amount of money that the government takes out of our income.”

“Worse, Trump has initiated policies that encourage people to take jobs they’d rather not take,” Buttigieg complained. “The number of people receiving unemployment benefits has declined under his administration. So has the number of people on food stamps. If we want to be true to our Christian values we should support pooling all of the country’s wealth so the government can assure a fair distribution to all of God’s children.”

“Squad” Members Endorse Violence

In an interview on Ebro in the Morning, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) asserted that “marginalized people have no choice but to riot. Republicans say that people should get jobs to support themselves. But the jobs available may not offer adequate compensation. The only fair option is to take what you need by force. Typically this means looting retail stores. The saner policy is for the government to seize the wealth withheld by the capitalist oppressors and redistribute it to those in need.”

Meanwhile, the Minnesota congressional district served by Rep. Ilhan Omar (D), leads the nation in volunteers joining the Islamic jihad against unbelievers. Omar defended this pattern, calling it “an exercise of the religious freedom guaranteed by the US Constitution. Muslims have a religious obligation to fight for the spread of the faith. If unbelievers won’t voluntarily convert it is our duty to force them to submit and pay the jizya or be slain. I have the privilege of working within the government to pursue this objective. Others on the outside must have the freedom to do some things until all the world is for Allah.”

Wages Rise for 99 Percent of Workers

According to the Bureau of Economic Analysis (BEA), 99% of those employed have seen wages rise since Trump became president. The gains have positively impacted all demographic and ethnic groups.

Democratic presidential contender Sen. Elizabeth Warren (Mass), whose campaign is founded on the claim that Trump’s policies have “devastated the economy,” pointed out that “the benefits haven’t been uniform. For one, 99% isn’t everyone. Using the BEA’s figures, 1% of those in the workforce have not seen wages increase. And those outside the workforce don’t receive any benefit from wage increases.”

Warren went on to say that “to combat these lopsided and blatantly inequitable results my Green New Deal plan calls for higher taxes on those who have benefited and redistribution to those who haven’t. Those who are able to work must share their gains with those in need. In theory, they should do this out of a sense of moral obligation. Practically, though, history has shown that government has had to use force to achieve universal compliance. I am the only candidate who has a plan to make that happen.”

However, a study, released by the Competitive Enterprise Institute estimated that her Green New Deal plan would cost the average household at least $70,000 in the first year of its roll out, and $250,000 over five years—an amount that Warren insists “is a bargain compared to the alternative of the runaway prosperity and environmental catastrophe that will result from Trump’s policies.”

Trump Criticism of Baltimore Assailed

President Trump’s criticism of the rampant crime, corruption and filth that pervades the City of Baltimore was characterized as “racist” by his political opponents in the Democratic Party and the media.

Though Rep. Elijah Cummings (D-Md) had previously made similar criticisms of the city, he took offense at “the president’s insensitive remarks. It is one thing for those of us who have had to suffer the decades of misgovernment to complain. It is quite another for a white outsider to dare to expose it to the world. That’s racist.”

Trump pointed out that “Cummings has represented the worst portions of Baltimore for more than 20 years in Congress. Yet, conditions in his district are worse than when he started. Last year, the federal government provided $16 billion in aid to try to improve living conditions in Baltimore. Where has this money gone? Why hasn’t the garbage been cleaned up and the rats exterminated? Why haven’t the criminals been arrested?”

Cummings brushed off Trump’s criticisms by reminding him that “it was the last three mayors who stole the City’s money. I am not the one responsible for their corruption. I am not the one who has tied the hands of the police. My job has been to lobby for more federal aid to the City—an effort that has largely been successful.”

The president was not impressed by Cummings’ attempt to doge responsibility. “He knew the Democrat mayors were corrupt,” Trump observed. “Yet he made no effort to rein-in their embezzlement. Instead, he acted as an agent for the transfer of taxpayers’ money out of the federal treasury and into their corrupt hands. He has abetted theft and ignored his duty to serve his constituents.”

Despite all the assertions that Trump is a racist, a study published by the University of Pennsylvania found that contrary to the media narrative, white racial prejudice against African Americans and Hispanic Americans has declined since Trump’s election.

Senator Smuggles Illegal Across Border

Sen. Ron Wyden (D-Ore) personally aided the illegal entry of a pregnant immigrant “so she can have her anchor baby in the United States, as is her right.”

Wyden called international boundaries “unnatural impediments to the free migration of people and wildlife. It is everyone’s human right to live wherever they wish. It is our obligation to admit them and provide them with everything they need to enjoy the kind of life they desire. This includes free health care, food, housing, and spending money for the extras—cell phones, high-def cable TV, vacations, fashionable clothing—that make life more enjoyable.”

The Senator also called for “expeditious naturalization so they will have the political heft to sustain their benefits via voting for representative who will maintain and augment these benefits. Ideally, this woman and her compatriots will vote for me in my 2020 reelection bid.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Kerry Hails Iran’s Seizures in Gulf

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

While much of the world seems to regard Iran’s seizing of ships near the Straits of Hormuz as”troubling,” former US Secretary of State John Kerry called these actions “gratifying. I’ve been advising the government of Iran to stand up against Trump’s bullying for more than two years. I’m glad to see they’re finally doing so.”

Kerry brushed aside accusations that his actions might be construed as treason, contending that “since we are not currently at war with Iran they are not our enemies, therefore, the aid I’ve given them doesn’t meet the Constitution’s definition of treason. As a citizen of the world, it is my right to choose my own friends. I see nothing wrong with helping out those friends in a time of need.”

Merkel Praises “Squad”

German Chancellor Angela Merkel criticized President Trump’s recent tweets about the four female congresswomen known as the “Squad,” calling his perspective “short-sighted.”

“What President Trump is trying to do is a futile attempt to prevent the future from happening,” Merkel said. “Anyone who has a brain has to be aware of the fact that Islam is the wave of the future. In accord with this reality, I’ve overseen the immigration of nearly two million Muslims into Germany since I’ve been chancellor. These fierce and fertile people will restore Germany to its rightful place on the continent and in the world.”

“Trump’s complaint that the women he criticized are anti-Semitic, socialistic, and anti-American assumes that these are negative attributes,” Merkel continued. “However, these were the same attributes that Germany had in the 1940s when our outnumbered forces almost conquered the world. Instead of resisting the future, the American President should be joining forces with the eventual victors in a global Muslim caliphate.”

Meanwhile, across the border in Denmark, Muslim refugees are threatening to leave the country if the government doesn’t restore their welfare benefits to the previous levels. Citing budgetary constraints, the government has slashed welfare for free housing and food by 50%. Merkel has offered to “take any Muslims who wish to leave Denmark. All we ask is that they bear the children that our native Germans refuse to bear,” and cited “the very successful policies of the 1930s that helped boost birth rates across Germany” to bolster her case.

Sanders Campaign in Pay Squabble

Though he has long been an advocate for a nationwide $15/hour minimum wage, presidential candidate Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-Vt) pays some of his campaign workers less than this amount. These workers have unionized and are threatening to strike if they don’t get a raise.

Campaign manager Faiz Shakir tried to explain “we can’t afford to meet this wage standard under current conditions. We don’t have the resources needed to pay this much. What we are asking our supporters to do is make a temporary sacrifice for the cause.” These sacrifices include 12-hour workdays and 6-day workweeks at less than minimum wage.

Sanders tried to quell his restive staff by emphasizing “the urgency of our quest to transform America from a capitalistic hellhole into a socialist utopia. Unlike capitalists who exploit workers for profit, we are asking our workers to voluntarily put aside their own financial interests in order to aid the revolution. Those who stood with Lenin didn’t do it out of love for money. They did it to try to change the world and they succeeded.”

“I am not totally inflexible on this issue,” Sanders added. “If every candidate agrees to a $15/hour minimum we will too. But we can’t abide the disadvantage of more quickly running through our available funds while the others are free to exploit their workers. We’re not a small business whose inability to survive at a higher wage is no great loss. We are the vanguard of a social movement that must survive for the sake of humanity.”

Dems Mull Strategies for Beating Trump

As polls continue to show higher levels of approval for President Trump’s job performance, those desperate to unseat him are groping for ideas on how to accomplish this objective.

Igor Volsky, Executive Director of Guns Down America and a former Vice President of the Center for American Progress, called for venues “to refuse to rent out the arenas and stadiums that Trump likes to use for his rallies. If there’s nowhere for him to hold his rallies, there won’t be any rallies. Without rallies he won’t be able to reach voters. Social media stands ready to block his tweets. Mass media controls the narrative. We have the means to silence this racist. If we don’t take action to stifle him we’ll have only ourselves to blame.”

Sen. Jon Tester (D-MT) urged the 20+ Democrats currently in the race for the Party’s 2020 presidential nomination to “bypass boring discussions of policy options and just punch Trump in the face. We’ve already established that he’s a racist. We shouldn’t rehabilitate him by civilly debating the issues. Voters hate racists. They’d all like to punch him in the face. They will rally to the candidate who lands the first blow.”

CNN political analyst April Ryan recommended “a global search for kryptonite. We’ve tried everything else—sex scandals, slander, a deep-state conspiracy, fake news—nothing has worked. The only logical conclusion I can reach is that this guy is Superman. Well, the only thing that can bring Superman down is kryptonite. If we can’t get some soon, I’m afraid we’ll be reliving the nightmare of November 8, 2016 all over again.”

CEO of Planned Parenthood Fired

After being on the job for only nine months, CEO Leana Wen was abruptly fired this week. While Len claims to have been “blind sided” by the move, Planned Parenthood spokesperson Adora Slaughter insisted the firing “should not have been a surprise. The number of abortions we’ve performed has gone down on her watch. Several states have enacted severe restrictions on abortions performed after a fetal heartbeat is detected. The final straw was Wen’s assertion that only women can get pregnant and have abortions. This effectively undermines our opportunity to make up for lost business by performing abortions on transgender patients.”

Wen contends she is “being made the scapegoat for trends that are beyond our ability to control. I thought I said all the right words. I publicly asserted that abortions save lives. I refused to condemn sex selection abortions. I committed no thought crimes.”

Wen went on to predict that “whoever is named to succeed me will face the same struggle of swimming against a rising tide of opposition to our business plan and methods. Demographics are against Planned Parenthood. Our supporters aren’t raising the next pro-choice generation. Our opponents are raising the next anti-choice generation. The only way out of this dilemma is for the government to adopt a single child limit like China has.”

Meanwhile, new interim president Alexis McGill Johnson announced a “fresh venture into the virgin territory of evangelicals. There’s no good reason to believe that we can’t win Christians over. They refer to the aborted as ‘innocents.’ Abortion enables these innocents to avoid the sins they would inevitably commit if they are allowed to be born. In short, the terminations we offer sends them directly to heaven. Surely that is better than letting them risk eternal damnation through failure to abort them.”

Border Deaths Down Under Trump

Judging from media accounts and the hyperventilating Democrats, people might have the impression that the death toll for immigrants illegally crossing our southern border is at an all-time high. Such an impression would be mistaken.

During the eight years that Obama was president the annual death toll averaged 372. During the two-and-a-half years that Trump has been president the annual death toll has averaged 291—that’s a decline of more than 20% from the death rate during the Obama years.

Immigration expert Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) cautioned us “to look past these bare facts to get the true picture. During the Obama Administration our government was supplying guns to Mexican gangsters. It’s only natural that the death toll would’ve been higher. Apologists for Trump neglect to mention this aspect. In my view, Trump is benefiting from his knee-jerk cancellation of President Obama’s sting operation against the Mexican drug-smuggling and human-trafficking cartels. These latest statistics don’t refute the charge of racism we’ve leveled against him.”

In other immigration news, six migrant families are demanding $3 million each as “compensation for the torture we have suffered at the hands of the US government. We undertook long and arduous journeys to find a better life only to be arrested for crossing the border illegally. Now we need to be paid.” Mark Fleming, associate director of litigation at the National Immigration Justice Center, warned that “failure to compensate these travelers will discourage others from trying to illegally enter the United States and lead to potentially devastating consequences.”

Biden Assurance on Health Care “Worthless”

In a bid to separate himself from his more socialist rivals, former Vice-President Joe Biden promised to preserve Obamacare and attempted to reassure voters that “if you like your health care plan, your employer-based plan, you can keep it. If you like your private insurance, you can keep it.”

However, arbiter of what and isn’t permissible for Democrats, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (NY) called his promise “worthless. I don’t think too many people will be heartbroken if we go to a Medicare for all plan. Unless you qualify for a subsidy, Obamacare is very expensive. The monthly premium for a ‘bronze’ plan is $700 and the annual deductible is around $6,000. A family that has this plan will be $14,000 out-of-pocket before they receive any benefits. So, I doubt many would be eager to keep these plans.”

“Second, President Obama’s promise that people who liked their health plans when Obamacare was passed turned out to be untrue,” the Congresswoman pointed out. “In fact, this promise was declared the ‘lie of the year for 2013’ by PolitiFact. It boggles the mind that Biden believes he can successfully recycle this fib.”

Bill Needed to “Save Half My Family from Being Deported”

California Senate Leader Kevin de Leon (D-Los Angeles) spoke on behalf of SB54—legislation that would make California a sanctuary state for illegal immigrants. “The legislation is necessary because President Trump’s determination to deport only those who have broken other laws would still leave half of my family at risk,” de Leon said.

The Senator justified stealing identities and filing false affidavits, calling them “essential to gain employment and obtain taxpayer-paid benefits. Everybody does it. It’s a matter of survival. Trump’s insistence on enforcing the law against these crimes is cruel and unusual punishment. Obama didn’t enforce these laws. Bush didn’t enforce these laws. Trump has no right to overturn these precedents.”

Reparations Requires More than Just Money

Backer of reparations for descendants of former slaves Democratic presidential contender Sen. Kamala Harris (Calif) says “writing a check is not gonna be enough. The financial disadvantages of slaves and their descendants represent only a small portion of what is owed to them by whites. Payments can’t assuage the hurt of whippings and lynchings.”

Harris averred that “it will be relatively easy to apportion the monetary damages among the descendants of the slave-holding whites. It will be harder to apportion the physical pain, fear, and humiliation. We’ll probably have to use some sort of lottery system to select which white people will have to bear these burdens. Many will have to be whipped. Fewer will have to be lynched. But all should have to endure the fear that it could be them. Those selected by the lottery for lynching should be rousted in the middle of the night by black men wearing hoods. I think this rough justice will be the best approximation of true justice that we could hope to achieve.”

Rival contender for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination former Rep. Beto O’Rourke (Tex) volunteered to “be the first one whipped should Sen. Harris’ proposed plan be implemented. I was recently given documents showing that both my wife and I are descended from people who owned slaves. Let the atonement process begin with me.”

In related news, Rep. Ayanna Pressley (D-Mass) claims that “we can’t have real diversity unless each person conforms to the proper racial viewpoint. If you have a black face, you need to speak with a black voice. If you have a brown face, you need to speak with a brown voice. Deviation from these expected norms confuses the issue and prevents us from achieving an authentically diverse community.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Mueller Testimony Delayed

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

It looks like Special counsel Robert Mueller’s testimony before Congress will not take place on July 17 as originally planned. House Judiciary Chairman Jerrold Nadler (D-NY) is trying to get Mueller to appear before his committee on July 24.

Nadler explained that “we were able to reach a bipartisan agreement with the Republicans on the questioning protocol, but Mueller balked at the use of water-boarding, contending that ‘it is inappropriate to employ this harsh technique to a person of my stature.’ My feeling is that any ‘stature’ he may have had at one time was canceled out by his investigation’s failure to recommend an indictment of President Trump.”

Ranking Committee member Rep. Doug Collins (R-Georgia) cited “Mueller’s prior abuses in the Whitey Bulger case, where he withheld exculpatory evidence that resulted in four innocent men languishing in prison, is sufficient justification for the Committee to treat him as a hostile witness and use the more aggressive interrogation methods members of the US intelligence community have themselves used.”

A spokesman for Mueller called the bipartisan agreement “a clear deal-breaker from Bob’s perspective. He did all he could within the scope of the law to malign Trump and damage him politically. The ingratitude of the Democrats is causing him to reconsider whether he will testify.”

“Oh, he will testify,” Nadler insisted. “Congress has the right to compel him to testify. We will subpoena him and use whatever other tools we choose to employ to ensure he appears and answers our questions. The media will guarantee that the desired message reaches the general public and that the answers to the GOP’s irrelevant questions are buried.”

Dems Vow to Fight Deportation Action

The Trump Administration’s planned action to deport the one million illegal immigrants that the courts have already ruled should be deported met with strident objections from open-border advocates this week.

Donna Lieberman, executive director of the New York Civil Liberties Union, called the planned action “unfair. The individuals targeted have not had the opportunity to present their cases in court.” Lieberman neglected to mention the fact that these individuals were “no shows” for their scheduled opportunity to argue their side in court, maintaining that “common criminals who skip their court appearances aren’t sent directly to prison. They’re given new court dates. That’s what we’re asking for here.”

Contender for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination Sen. Kamala Harris (Calif) characterized the planned enforcement action as “a crime against humanity. Every person on the planet has the right to migrate in search of a better life. America has the means to provide that better life. We are already providing an array of benefits to undocumented immigrants—housing, food, education—and every Democratic presidential candidate is on record in support of free health care for them. I’m confident that others in my Party will join me to take efforts to nullify this crime against humanity.”

Among the others in the Democratic Party stepping forward to oppose the planned action was House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) who advised illegal immigrants to “refuse to open the door to ICE agents seeking to enforce court-issued deportation orders. Barricade your self and your family inside and wait them out. In many cases, local mayors will send police to interdict the federal intrusion.”

In Chicago, Mayor Lori Lightfoot ordered police in her city to “obstruct ICE from carrying out this crime against humanity. That includes withholding criminal records, warning those likely to be targeted, and impeding ICE agents with strategically sited and scheduled traffic jams that block ICE vehicles on their way to suspected immigrant hideouts. The best case scenario is that all victims elude capture.”

Pelosi Called “Racist”

This week, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) assailed House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) by accusing her of racism. “At first, I gave her the benefit of the doubt and assumed that it was just an ideological difference,” AOC said. “You know, moderates vs. progressives. I have since learned that there are no real ideological differences. The differences are racial. She is targeting newly-elected women of color. That’s racist.”

“She is also trying to weigh us down with inane demands that we spend all our time on committees and stuff instead of spending our time on Twitter and interviews with the media to advance socialism,” AOC complained. “Making we women of color beasts of burden is what old-time Democrats did to the slaves. That’s racist.”

“Her public criticism of us is also inciting crazies to make death threats against us,” AOC added. “Stirring up lynch mobs against we women of color is what the Jim Crow Democrats did against former slaves after the Civil War. That’s racist.”

Pelosi countered that “my criticisms of Rep. Ocasio-Cortez stemmed from her broad-brush slander of moderate Democratic caucus members as ‘segregationists.’ It is one thing to slander Republicans. It is quite another to besmirch our comrades in the struggle for power in such a fashion. It has been my long established practice to draw the line on these tactics where the aisle separates us from our partisan foes.”

Despite having been a consistent target of Democratic slander himself, President Trump publicly chastised Rep. Ocasio-Cortez for her “very disrespectful remarks about Speaker Pelosi. Nancy’s not a racist.” Pelosi thanked him for “clarifying that we are not on the same side on the question of who’s a racist and who isn’t.”

Beto Woos Immigrants

Casting himself as the “anti-Trump,” Democratic presidential contender former Texas Rep. Beto O’Rourke sought to rally illegal immigrants to his side.

“America was founded on white supremacy,” the candidate argued. “As a person who was born white I could’ve aligned myself with the oppressors and reaped the benefits of exploiting the weak. But I courageously converted to Latino as an adult so I could lead an army of oppressed brown people to victory over white tyranny.”

O’Rourke pleaded with his audience to “send for more of your relatives and friends to come to America and join this army. Hundreds of millions of Latinos want to come to America. If only half of them come before the 2020 election we’d have enough votes to elect the first Latino president in history.”

The former Representative rejected contentions that his plan might benefit rival candidate, former Secretary of Housing Julian Castro. “Julian is a cis-Latino,” Beto pointed out. “I am a trans-Latino. He is Latino by accident of birth. I am Latino by choice. I think that demonstrates that I am more committed to Latino interests and values than a fellow whose passion is only skin deep.”

Castro questioned O’Rourke’s credentials, saying “if Beto is so committed why is his command of Spanish so poor? His clumsy ventures into our language approximate those of a drunk college freshman in a Spanish 101 class. I don’t disagree with his call for 100 million new Latino immigrants. I applaud it. I need these votes and am confident I will get them if they are cast.”

Dems Test Arguments Against Trump Economy

Historically, economic prosperity has carried incumbent presidents to reelection. After two-and-a-half years of the Trump Administration the US economy appears very prosperous. GDP is expanding at a rate that former President Obama insisted would never be seen again. Stock prices are reaching record highs. Unemployment is at historic lows. Wages are rising. The task of Democrats seeking to persuade voters to unseat Trump would seem to be daunting. Nevertheless, several of them are trying out arguments against the Trump economic gains.

Sen. Elizabeth Warren (Mass) played the envy card, pointing out that “a 3% gain on a billion dollar income is $30 million, but a 3% gain on an average person’s salary is only $1700. This is corruption, pure and simple. We need a more equitable distribution of wealth even if this means everyone gets less. Fairness is more important than prosperity. Equality is what voters want. I will give it to them. Trump won’t.”

Sen. Cory Booker (NJ) played the race card, bewailing the injustice of “putting the small black and brown owned businesses in my neighborhood at a serious disadvantage. They can’t get government-subsidized loans because the government has designated their products ‘contraband.’ On top of this, police harassment raises their costs and injects an element of risk that corporate competitors like CVS and Walgreens don’t have to deal with. Trump won’t change these laws. I will. That’s why voters will elect me.”

Sen. Kamala Harris (Calif) questioned the value of full employment, saying that “slaves were fully employed. Is that a model we really want to emulate? During the Obama Administration record numbers of people were able to live without toil. They enjoyed a life free from the stress of having to endure wage-slavery because the government generously provided for their needs. This left them free to enjoy being themselves rather than having to take demeaning jobs just to put food on the table. I will restore that ‘golden era’ if I’m fortunate enough to be elected president.”

Colorado State University Professor OiYan Poon warned these Democrats that “they are over-thinking the issue. They shouldn’t go down into the gutter with Trump and try to argue the minutia of economic policy. They should just punch him in the neck. That’s what I do when I run into people who are disagreeable.”

Times Suggests Solution to Housing Shortage

The growing ranks of homeless persons and the continued invasion of our country by millions of illegal immigrants have generated a severe shortage of housing across the US. The editors of the New York Times have offered an “outside-the-box” solution that “would tap into the housing surplus currently being squandered by archaic attitudes toward property rights.”

The editors start off by pointing out that “as a general rule, most Americans have more house than they need. What we are suggesting is that the appropriate public policy could put this surplus to more efficient use by requisitioning this space for the accommodation of the homeless and new immigrants.”

Under the Times’ plan, “data to be collected by the 2020 Census will enable the government to pinpoint housing surpluses. Once determinations of where the surpluses exist is made, those in need of housing can be assigned to these residences. Persons whose home are assigned to receive new residents would also receive a federal stipend to help offset the anticipated higher expenses for utilities and food required to accommodate their new guests plus a 10% profit over costs for the home owner.”

“This will be a ‘win-win’ outcome,” the editors wrote. “Formerly homeless individuals will have a nice place to live. They won’t be wandering the streets begging for handouts and forced to defecate in public. Owners of the homes receiving new residents will turn formerly wasted excess space into a modest addition to their yearly income and have the satisfaction of helping out persons less well-off than themselves. The only serious unanswered question is which of the Democratic presidential contenders has the vision to pick up this ball and run with it.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Biden Promises to Fight for the Presidency

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Smarting from assessments that he lost the first debate of the 2020 presidential campaign, former Vice-President Joe Biden offered to “roll up my sleeves and fight for the right to lead this country. You know, there are many tribes whose traditional culture calls for contenders to physically fight for the right to lead. I think that approach has a lot to recommend it compared to the pander-fest I was forced to participate in last week.”

“My suggestion is that President Trump be required to defend his office by meeting each challenger, in turn and at suitable intervals between now and November 2020, in a no-hold-barred match to decide who will lead America for the next four years,” Biden said. “During the 2016 campaign, Trump promised to fight for the American people. I’m calling on him to honor this promise to prove he’s worthy of the office.”

Biden’s proposal received mixed reactions from some of the other contenders. Confident that his youth and ferocity would give him a decisive edge, Sen. Corey Booker (D-NJ) accepted the challenge, saying “we need a fighter now more than at any point in our nation’s history. I think I have shown throughout my career that I am the fighter America needs.”

Sen. Kamala Harris (D-Calif), the reputed winner of the Democrat presidential candidates’ debate, was more lukewarm. “Unless there is some way to level the playing field I don’t think a purely physical contest would be fair to the women,” she objected. “Perhaps if all the men had to fight the women with one hand tied behind their backs it might be an acceptable option.”

A spokesman for the Biden camp averred that “such a handicap wouldn’t be necessary. “Since Joe’s proposal would use a ‘highest office held’ protocol to determine who gets the first shot at Trump, we expect the former Vice-President to have the first and only needed shot at knocking Trump out of the race and taking his place in the White House. There would be no need for any of the women to worry about their pugilistic deficiencies.”

Congresswoman Demands End to Mockery

Rep. Frederica Wilson (D-Fla) is demanding that persons who mock members of Congress be prosecuted. “The Constitution says that members of Congress shall not be questioned in any other place,” Wilson asserted. “Yet, even the shallowest dive into the internet bumps into numerous criticisms, insults and threats. Not a day goes by when someone isn’t calling for voters to oust me from office. This has got to stop.”

“We’re going to shut them down and work with whoever it is to shut them down and they should be prosecuted,” the Congresswoman promised. “Freedom of speech does not protect ‘hate speech.’ The mockery exhibited online is an unacceptable threat to our constitutional right to rule.”

Wilson was undaunted by the difficulty of getting the Trump Administration Department of Justice to carry out the desired prosecutions, saying that “Congress has the right to impeach anyone, including the President himself, who fails to obey the will of Congress.”

In related news, Border Patrol agents are now under investigation for laughing at Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) when she staged a “crying photo op” next to a vacant parking lot, falsely characterized a common combo toilet and sink configuration as forcing detainees to drink out of a toilet, and demanded that guards “stop looking at me” during her visit to the El Paso, Texas border facility.

Dems Envision “Smart Guns”

In their continuing quest to disarm the law-abiding segment of the US population, some key Democrats are envisioning a technological path toward this objective.

At the state level, Gov. Phil Murphy (NJ) pledges to sign legislation requiring every firearms dealer in the state to sell smart guns as soon as they become available from manufacturers. At the national level, former Vice-President Joe Biden is calling for “smart guns” to be made mandatory.

Biden claimed that “if James Bond is willing to use a smart gun, then lesser skilled law-enforcement officers and private individuals should be required to use them. Right now, millions of people rely on Alexa or Siri for a wide array of decisions. If people are willing to trust artificial intelligence for mundane choices there’s no good reason why these technologies shouldn’t be employed to make the final decision on whether or not to allow a user to discharge a firearm for so-called self-defense. Why let human emotions drive a life or death decision when the dispassionate intervention of an artificial intelligence can make a more logical choice for the collective welfare of society?”

Booker: “Free Health Care for Illegals Is Just Common Sense”

Long-shot presidential contender Sen. Cory Booker (D-NJ) defended the field’s unanimous endorsement of free health care for those entering the US illegally. “Many of those crossing our southern border bring deadly diseases with them,” he pointed out. “Treating them strikes me as pretty much a ‘no brainer.’ In fact, the more I think about it, I believe that to get out in front of this potential pandemic we need to extend free health care to every potential immigrant. If we can cure them in their home countries they’ll be in better shape for the long journey, less likely to die along the way, and healthier when they do arrive.”

The Senator congratulated himself for “thinking outside the box” and “demonstrating the kind of vision that the next person to be our nation’s president needs.” He also took credit for “personally escorting five undocumented individuals past border guards and into the United States,” an accomplishment he gleefully contrasted with rival candidate former Rep. Beto O’Rourke’s (D-Texas) unsuccessful attempt to help a migrant break out of a Mexican detention center.

Harris Promises to Revive School Busing

Still pumped after forcing rival Democratic presidential candidate former Vice-President Joe Biden to admit that he opposed forced busing back in the 1970s, Sen. Kamala Harris (Calif) sought to build on her momentum by vowing to revive this school integration technique.

“It was racists who opposed busing their children to ghetto schools,” Harris maintained. “It’s a disgrace to see that the Vice-President refuses to admit his guilt and apologize. I urge all Democrat voters to reject racism and elect me to represent our Party in the 2020 presidential election. I will restore busing to its rightful place as a tool for shaping our youth into the social progressives that will inherit the reins after us.”

Whether Harris’ vow to revive school busing is a winning issue remains doubtful. In its heyday busing was opposed by a vast majority of voters. Even Black voters opposed it by 48% to 44%. More recently, it has been minorities that have demanded separation from whites at the college level—as in segregated dorms and segregated fraternities.

AOC Says US Headed Toward Fascism

Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) warned that “the US is headed toward becoming a fascist country. On the one hand, we see continued attempts to prevent foreigners from entering the United States just because it is illegal. Then when the Border Patrol fails to prevent entry they’re holding these people in concentration camps. In what way is this significantly different from what Hitler did?”

“Then, just this past week we saw antifascists forced to go out into the streets of Portland and beat up enemies of progressive policies,” the Congresswoman said. “Even though they had the backing of Portland Mayor Ted Wheeler, they still had to wear masks to protect themselves from wrongful prosecution by the anti-socialist fascists who still control the Department of Justice. This street violence is the same kind of thing that preceded the Nazis coming to power in Germany in 1933. We are at a crucial point in this country’s history. If we don’t move forward with the impeachment of Donald Trump, the socialist vision of America’s future first glimpsed by President Obama and echoed by every one of the Democratic Party’s potential 2020 nominees maybe be lost for a generation or more.”

The victims that the masked, self-styled antifascists were forced to club with tire irons and crowbars included John Blum, Adam Kelly, and homosexual reporter Andy Ngo. According to the batterers, the victims “had it coming” and pointed out “they’re lucky to still be alive.”

Hillary Drops Out of Cybersecurity Event

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton abruptly canceled her scheduled appearance at the FireEye Cyber Defense Summit set for this coming October.

Clinton spokesman Nick Merrill explained that “this conference is for the world’s leading security experts. It was decided that an appearance by the Secretary would undermine her claim that she used an unsecured email server and destroyed a dozen communications devices that were under subpoena out of ignorance and unfamiliarity with using computers and cell phones. We felt it would be better for her to adopt a position that as an aging person who grew up before such equipment was in common use she inadvertently committed these crimes.”

Buttigieg Says Asking Blacks to Stop Committing Crimes Is Racist

During a Q & A session at the Carroll County Democratic Party BBQ in Iowa this week, 2020 Democratic presidential candidate Mayor Pete Buttigieg (South Bend, Indiana) deftly dodged a suggestion that he could help ease tensions between Blacks and the police by asking Blacks “to stop committing crimes and doing drugs.”

The candidate contends that “committing crimes and doing drugs are lifestyle choices” and that “failure to tolerate these choices is racism, pure and simple. It is easy for white people who have every advantage to disparage a culture they do not understand. Our prisons have a disproportionate quantity of Blacks compared to their share of the population. The excuse that this is the result of disproportion in the commissions of crime doesn’t cut it. We need to either release more Blacks from prison or put more whites behind bars to correct the imbalance.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. This post is also available on Facebook.

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