Dems Warn GOP on Kavanaugh Confirmation

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

This week, Brian Fallon, former press secretary on Hillary Clinton’s 2016 presidential campaign, warned Republicans not to confirm Judge Brett Kavanaugh to the US Supreme Court, saying “they will pay dearly at the polls for putting a man accused of sexual assault in this high position.”

“It’s not as if sexual perverts are underrepresented on the Court,” Fallon asserted. “They already have Clarence Thomas—an accused dirty talker—to protect their interests in cases coming before that august body. Do we really need to add an accused groper?”

Fallon pointed to the absence of proof of Kavanaugh’s innocence, calling it “very telling that Judge Kavanaugh cannot prove beyond a reasonable doubt that Dr. Ford’s allegations are false. He lived in the general area and during the possible dates where and when the assault took place. The calendar of activities he offers in his defense is not comprehensive. It doesn’t account for every minute of his time over the summer of 1982. Further, in as much as Dr. Ford isn’t certain the attack didn’t occur in 1981 or 1983, there are a wide array of other possible opportunities for sexual assault that cannot be ruled out.”

Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand (D-NY) concurred in Fallon’s analysis and added that “we need to keep in mind that it isn’t just one woman who has accused Kavanaugh. Two others have come forward to point the finger at him. How many allegations do we need to hear before we are persuaded of this man’s unfitness for office? If Kavanaugh had any decency he would withdraw himself from consideration.”

Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse (D-RI) argued that “I can’t understand why my Republican colleagues don’t comprehend how the rude comments Kavanaugh made about flatulence and barfing in his high school yearbook disqualify him. This kind of immature behavior is not something we should tolerate from a man who aspires to sit on the highest court.”

Sen. Mazie Hirono (D-Hawaii) contended that “Mr. Kavanaugh’s anger over the allegations displayed a temperament inappropriate to what is expected of a Supreme Court Justice. Compare this with the calm demeanor demonstrated by President Obama’a appointees Sotomayor and Kagan during the hearings preceding their confirmations. This country doesn’t need one more angry white man in a position of power. Voters can ensure this doesn’t happen by electing Democrats to Congress who will put a stop to it.”

Meanwhile, Sen. Jeff Merkley (D-Ore) announced he is filing suit to ask a court to bar the Senate from conducting a vote of Kavanaugh’s confirmation “until a full record” is available. Asked to clarify what a “full record” entails, the Senator replied “I’ll know it when I see it. There are millions of pages of documents that Kavanaugh has touched in his career as a Bush Administration official and appeals court judge. I think it is only fair that the court hold up the confirmation process until these documents are fully reviewed and analyzed.”

Taxes Cost More than Food & Clothing

Bureau of Labor Statistic’s data on consumer expenditures for 2017 reveal that the average non-welfare-dependent family had to pay more in taxes ($16,749) than they did for food and clothing combined ($9,562). The 2017 tax burden was down from 2016’s $17,153.

Reactions to this data split along partisan lines. The Trump Administration lamented the continuing high tax burden, but took some encouragement from the decline from 2016 to 2017. Trump’s top economic adviser, Larry Kudlow acknowledged that “reducing the tax burden is an essential step in the President’s effort to revitalize the US economy. It’s a shame that the government takes such a large share of every wage-earner’s income. The modest progress we’ve made so far at least puts us on the right path.”

Democrats have a different perspective. “What Republicans aren’t telling voters is that a significant portion of the taxes go toward buying food and clothing for people who are unwilling or unable to buy it for themselves,” House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) said. “This is the ‘social safety net’ that was initiated by FDR’s New Deal back in the 1930s. Do voters really want to undo that deal? Is keeping a few hundred more dollars a year from your salary more important than being your brother’s keeper? We’re confident that Trump’s plan will be repudiated at the polls. Voters know that Democrats can be trusted to make better use of the nation’s scarce resources than the greedy individuals who clamor for tax cuts.”

New Immigration Standard Called “Unfair”

The Trump Administration’s new standard requiring immigrants seeking permanent residence to demonstrate they will not become welfare-dependent was assailed by top Democrats as “fundamentally unfair.” The new rule would require that would-be new residents have the demonstrated ability to earn an income greater than 250% of the poverty level. Over the last five years more than 70% of immigrants from Latin America fell short of this standard. In contrast, more than 70% of immigrants from Asia met the standard.

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) charged that “it is the height of selfishness for a rich country like America to want to restrict the entry of indigent people across the globe from access to their rightful share of the Earth’s bounty. Our Statue of Liberty explicitly invites the poor and tired to come here. This latest attempt to require arrivals to be self-supporting reneges on this promise.”

Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) saw an even more “sinister scheme to suppress Democratic votes. The right of people to elect representatives who will redistribute wealth from the haves to the have-nots is a fundamental principle of democracy. The restrictions Trump wants to place on who will be admitted as permanent residents violates this principle. The kind of self-sufficient people Trump’s immigration policy would favor are likely Republican voters. I don’t see how the courts could possibly allow this politically discriminatory new rule to stand.”

Meanwhile, U.S. District Judge Edward Chen wondered whether the policy “may be racist in intent. Racial minorities are disproportionately represented within the lower income groups. A rule that favors the self-supporting would tilt immigration away from Latinos and toward whites and those, like Asians, who act white. In my view this seems to violate the 14th Amendment.”

1st Amendment Protects Harassment

CNN host and legal expert Don Lemon chided Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Tex) for objecting to being harassed and threatened in public last week. Out for dinner at the DC restaurant Fiola, Cruz and his wife were accosted by activists from a group called Smash Racism. This group deems it their right to “disrupt the peace of right-wing scum.” Cruz and his wife temporarily left the restaurant and reentered later via the back door. Smash Racism has since added Fiola’s to their list of “right-wing scum,” warning the owner and his employees that “you are not safe.”

Lemon contended that “this type of citizen feedback is what Cruz signed up for when he decided to run for public office. As a so-called ‘strict constructionist’ of the Constitution, the Senator is well aware that freedom of speech protects a citizen’s right to approach him anytime and anywhere to air his grievances. There’s nothing in the First Amendment that says the speech has to be polite or that it can’t be loud.”

“I think the kind of citizen activism shown by Smash Racism is healthy for our democracy,” Lemon added. “We shouldn’t expect everyone to feign tolerance for abhorrent views or politicians. An insistence that decorum must prevail favors the more educated. If knowledge and verbal skills are allowed to dominate, famed political debaters like Cruz will thrive. But this shuts out the ignorant and inarticulate whose main hope of being heard is to drown out those they disagree with. Maxine has it right. We need to show supporters of Trump that they are unwelcome anywhere, anytime in our democracy.”

In related news, former President Obama bristled at the “passive aggression” shown toward him by young attendees at a recent speech of his and demanded that they “put down your damned phones and listen to me.” The great irony here was that many of the phones in use were free “Obama phones” given out during his administration.

Old Soviet Excuse Recycled

This week Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D-NY) tried to blame bad weather for the population drain affecting his state. Marc Molinaro, his Republican opponent in the race for governor, pounced on the excuse and pointed out that “Stalin and the old Soviet Union said the same thing after their disastrous collectivization of farms led to a sharp decline in output and widespread famine.”

“Weather is a variable that has always existed,” Molinaro observed. “Individuals have coped with it for thousands of years. The capitalism and free markets that have prevailed across the United States have enabled individuals to mitigate and overcome difficult changes in the weather. The decline in population in our state is more related to the high taxes favored by the Democratic Party. Productive people are taking their brains and their capital to states that have lower taxes. If we want to retain the best and brightest in our state we need to copy the policies of the low-tax states, not concoct lane theories blaming the weather.”

Cuomo sought to defend his contention by pointing out that “most of the states gaining population are warm-weather states. Since warm weather and low taxes seem to go together in the states gaining population, I defy anyone to prove that weather is not the primary cause of the population shift. I’m confident that voters will give me the benefit of the doubt when they go to the polls in November.”

In related news, President Trump told a United Nations audience that “socialism and communism only produce suffering, corruption, and decay.” The Washington Post’s global opinions editor Karen Attiah called Trump’s remarks “chilling. He’s basically disrespecting the social systems chosen by most other countries around the world. I mean, just this week in Venezuela, President Maduro announced that taxes would be raised to astronomical levels to save the socialist revolution. So, even if we suppose Trump is right in his analysis, destroying another country’s firmly held beliefs is no way to conduct diplomacy.”

Woman Arrested for Saving Dogs & Cats

In North Carolina, Tammie Hedges rescued 27 dogs and cats from drowning when Hurricane Florence hit the state. She provided shelter, food, and medicine to animals fleeing the flooding. After the storm ended she turned the rescued animals over to government authorities who promptly arrested her for “operating a shelter without a license.” She is currently out of jail on a $10,000 bond.

North Carolina Department of Agriculture and Consumer Services spokesman, Henry Hoseman explained that “Ms. Hedges lacked the proper credentials to undertake the actions she took. She may have felt that she was doing the right thing, but she is not qualified to make that determination. We have rules for a reason. If we allow exceptions based on presumed extraordinary contingencies we open the door to an untold string of abuses and the inevitable tragedies that would ensue.”

Hoseman discounted the value of saving these animals lives by pointing out that “our state is overrun with dogs and cats. The fate of a couple of dozen pales in comparison with our obligation to enforce the laws against unlicensed animal care. If we make an example of Ms. Hedges others may be deterred from similarly taking the law into their own hands.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.


Rosenstein Blasts Times’ ‘Smear’

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

This week, a New York Times story about a scheme in which Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein would wear a “wire” to secretly record President Trump and recruit cabinet members to activate Trump’s removal from office under the provisions of the 25th Amendment was blasted as “inaccurate” and “factually incorrect” by Rosenstein.

“It is shameful that a respected newspaper would rely on anonymous sources to defame me,” Rosenstein complained. “After all I have done to help the Times over the years acquire difficult to obtain information on sensitive topics from internal government archives, I can only regard this as a betrayal. They’re treating me like I am the enemy. I thought we were on the same side in the battle to save the country.”

Adam Goldman, co-author of the Times article with Michael S. Schmidt, acknowledged that “while a couple of our sources asked to remain anonymous their account was backed up by memos purportedly written by former acting FBI Director Andrew McCabe that were forwarded to us by a person from the Mueller investigation who also wishes to remain anonymous. So, I’d have to say that our story is as firmly founded as any Times story.”

Rosenstein rejected what he labeled “a poor excuse for shoddy journalism” and asked that “we apply a little logic to this situation. First, based on my prior friendly cooperation the Times reporters should have checked with me before going on the attack. Second, the idea that I would participate in a cumbersome 25th Amendment process in order to rid the country of Trump is absurd. Third, let me point out that McCabe is currently under criminal investigation. Surely, that ought to raise a red flag as to his credibility.”

“Remember, it was me who appointed Mueller as Special Prosecutor,” Rosenstein added. “Given Mueller’s history of going above-and-beyond normal procedures to ensure the convictions of his targets why would I want to mess that up with a lame 25th Amendment gambit? Besides, with the contacts I have in the intelligence community I could easily find a person with the capability to permanently remove Trump from office if the Mueller effort were to fail. I think any reasonable person would have to side with me on this issue.”

Rosenstein’s denials were given short shrift by Fox News anchor Chris Wallace who judged Rosenstein’s protest to be “weak and lawyerly. I’d call it the kind of ‘non-denial denial’ that leaves room for later revisions if the real truth ever comes out.”

Dems Claim GOP Request for Evidence from Accuser “Unfair”

Christine Blasey Ford, the college professor who has accused Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh of groping her at a drunken party in somebody’s house near a park sometime in the early 1980s when both were high school students, has been resisting Republican requests for her to testify at the Senate Judiciary Committee.

Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand (D-NY) insists that “the Republican demand that it is the accuser’s responsibility to tell her story to them is an attempt to silence her. Christine has already done her part to put the ball in play with her accusation. It is now Kavanaugh’s job to prove that she shouldn’t be believed. Can he account for his whereabouts for all of his high school years and show that her story can’t be true? If not, then shouldn’t her account be the one we go with since he can’t disprove it?”

Sen. Diane Feinstein (D-Calif), concurred with her colleague, saying that “Dr. Blasey has fulfilled her obligation by leveling the charge in the letter I received last July. She showed great courage in making her originally anonymous allegation. Now it’s up to the FBI to investigate to see whether it is true.”

Sen. Mazie Hirono (D-Hawaii) denounced Republican demands for evidence as “the same old suppression of women by white men that has stained America since its first days. I just want to say to the men in this country: Just shut up and step up. Do the right thing for a change and let us women rule for awhile.”

The procedure demanded by these Democrats is the exact opposite of what has been normal for this nation’s history. The first step in an allegation of a crime is the filing of a complaint by the claimed victim. The sooner this is done, the better. The complaint serves as the starting point for an investigation in which witnesses are interviewed and forensic evidence (such as torn clothing or traces of bodily fluids) is examined. Dr. Ford never filed a criminal complaint with any law enforcement agency.

In the more than three decades that have passed, any evidence that conceivably might have existed is unavailable. There are no contemporaneous witnesses. There is no forensic evidence. The only “evidence” is an unverifiable allegation made in a letter that Sen. Feinstein refuses to share with her Judiciary Committee colleagues. The Democrats are essentially arguing for a process that more closely resembles the 17th century Salem Witch trials in which the ravings of hysterical teenagers led to the execution of more than a dozen persons accused of witchcraft.

Former Vice-President Joe Biden rejected the analogy because “everyone knows there are no witches, but I know from my own experience that teenage boys grope teenage girls. Even if we can’t conclusively prove that Kavanaugh molested the teenage Chrissy Blasey, we do know that he was once a teenage boy. Since he fits the profile of a sexual molester based on this alone we cannot simply look away when the girl finally remembers 30 years later who got ‘handsy’ with her. So, to be on the safe side we must assume he’s guilty unless he can prove otherwise.”

Planned Parenthood Defends Using Tax Dollars on Campaign

Planned Parenthood Votes is focusing its political campaign expenditures on two dozen House races in hopes of aiding Democrats to retake the majority and ensure future federal disbursements to the organization. Deirdre Schifeling, executive director, defended the heavily government-subsidized organization’s partisan political spending.

“The survival of Planned Parenthood is at stake,” Schifeling contended. “Federal funding is the life’s blood we depend on to keep going in our mission to ensure that every woman who wants an abortion can get one whether she can afford it or not. But it’s not only the funding, we also need friends in Congress who support our efforts to monetize the discarded fetuses. Rather than just have these sacrificed individuals biological matter go to waste our ability to sell this material to willing buyers is a resource that must not be foreclosed to us.”

“The prospect that monster like Kavanaugh could be confirmed to a lifetime appointment to the Supreme Court makes it imperative that we elect more Democrats,” she added. “I mean, here is a man who cruelly abused a teenage girl 35 years ago. Now he is on the verge of tipping the balance on the Supreme Court to overturn the Roe v. Wade decision that legalized abortion. We need people in office who can be counted on to protect young women from the cruelty of being forced to give birth to unwanted children. A Democratic majority will protect abortion rights by impeaching Trump and Kavanaugh before they can do anymore damage to this vital civil right.”

Schifeling challenged the objection that recipients of federal subsidies shouldn’t be engaging in political campaigns by pointing out that “defense contractors reinvest a much larger amount of funds into promoting the election of legislators who can be counted on to support bigger subsidies for their companies. If it is okay for companies that produce weapons used to kill people to donate to the election of favored candidates than why wouldn’t it be okay for us to do the same?”

In related news, Leana Wen, Planned Parenthood’s new president, called abortion “a fundamental human right,” but expressed regret that “the 50% of aborted babies that are female will never get to enjoy exercising this right.”

New Videos Expose Government Subversion

This week, a new series of Project Veritas undercover videos was released. The videos show federal employees boasting that they are engaging in efforts to overthrow capitalism from within.

In one of the videos, Stuart Karaffa, a Management and Program Analyst with the Bureau of Overseas Buildings Operations within the Department of State, told the Veritas investigative reporter “our goal is to resist everything, to F*ck sh*t up at every level.” Karaffa bragged, “I spend most of my workday on Democratic Socialist activity. I compose all my emails during the day, but I carefully wait until after 5:30 pm to send them. That way I can argue that my political activity is done on my own time. Maybe I’ll get caught, but it’s impossible to fire federal employees.”

In another, Natarajan Subramanian, an auditor with the US Government Accountability Office, told the Veritas reporter that “no one knows I spent six hours yesterday doing social media for DSA (Democratic Socialists of America). I break rules every day. At any point I can get fired. Do I care more about having this job, or do I care more about the movement? Obviously, the movement.”

In a third video, Department of Justice paralegal Allison Hrabar acknowledged using government owned software and computers to push a socialist agenda. Then, Jessica Schubel, the former Chief of Staff for the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services during the Obama administration admitted that she wasn’t the only federal employee using her position to resist the Trump administration’s policies. “Sometimes we break the law,” she said. “But it’s for a worthy cause.”

Officials for the affected agencies speaking off-the-record vowed to “look into the matter.” All voiced doubts that anything can be done because “it’s very hard to oust even the most incompetent or insubordinate employee. The union opposes any corrective action. At best, we might be able to hire additional employees to do the work these people are refusing to do and, in fact, are undermining, but that’s a long shot. Basically, we just have to live with this kind of behavior as a natural outcome of a government as large as ours is. It’s simply too big to manage in any sensible manner.”

In related news, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton predicted that “after this election this president is going to wholesale fire people. We need a Democratically controlled Congress to block his power to get rid of executive branch employees who are bravely undermining him.” Her statement rattled Democratic pollster Nate Silver who said “I fear that there may be a sizable contingent of voters for whom the prospect of a wholesale firing of federal bureaucrats would be a good reason to vote for Republicans.”

Goverment Orders Opposition Leader to Undergo Psych Examination

The French government has ordered Marine Le Pen, leader of the right wing National Front Party to undergo a psychiatric examination “to determine whether she must be confined to a mental institution for her own well-being.” The proximate inspiration for this coercive order is Le Pen’s opposition to the continued importation of Islamic fanatics into France.

“This drastic move was made necessary by the earlier failure of massive fines imposed after Le Pen posted photos of ISIS terrorists massacring unbelievers on the Internet,” Macron explained. “In France we respect the rights of individuals to freely practice their religion. The tenets of Islam do not merely grant Muslims the right to kill unbelievers, it mandates it as an obligation to demonstrate ones commitment to the faith. Granted, it could be argued that this obligation conflicts with every French citizen’s right to life. It is the delicate job of the Government to try to balance these conflicting rights. Our efforts are impeded by interference of Ms. Le Pen’s nonconforming attitudes.”

“Let me emphasize that we are not meting out a punishment, but are seeking a cure,” French President Emmanuel Macron said. “It is the obligation of the state to see that every person is properly cared for. Idiosyncratic objections must not be permitted to divert us from this humane course of action.”

Gore Says Trump Should Be Terminated for Ethical Reasons

Former Vice-President Al Gore advanced the notion that “Trump’s Presidency should be terminated early for ethical reasons. Science has shown that climate change is the biggest threat the planet has ever seen. Not only do we see Trump denying this threat. His policies are exacerbating the threat.”

“The big economic boom that Trump is so proud of is a planetary disaster,” the former Veep contended. “More people working and more consumerism are accelerating the march to global catastrophe. After the eight years of hard work by the Obama Administration to throttle expectations it is disheartening to see that undone. The idea that everyone can prosper is unsustainable. People must get used to lower standards of living—smaller cars, smaller homes, less travel—if we hope to conserve enough resources for our leaders to continue the battle to save the planet.”

Gore vowed to “spare no effort and no expense in my mission to bring the message of simple living to every corner of the globe. I will speak to anyone who can pay my lecture fee. I will sell my books to anyone who can afford to buy them. No sacrifice is too great for me to make in this great quest I’ve undertaken in the twilight of my long and distinguished lifetime of service to the common good.”

In related news, Governor Jerry Brown (D-Calif) called Trump “a saboteur in the fight against climate change” and wished for “something to happen to this guy. I think Maxine’s suggestion that we knock off Trump is fundamentally on target. And our prisons are loaded with guys that could do the job. I’d pardon them tomorrow if I thought they could be trusted to get it done.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.


Trump Worse than bin Laden

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

This week, MSNBC’s Joe Scarborough asserted that “President Trump is a far graver threat to America than the 9/11 attacks. The terrorists only killed a few thousand people, but Trump has poisoned the minds of tens of millions of voters.”

“There is no way that al Qaida could’ve hoped to seize control of the US, but seizing control of the US is precisely what Trump, with the aid of 60 million co-conspirators, has done,” Scarborough contended. “This is a sizable enemy within that is in the process of undermining all the progress toward socialism achieved during the Obama Administration.”

“We had an effective counter to bin Laden—a commando team hunted him down and shot him,” the MSNBC talking head observed. “Unfortunately, Trump has proven a harder target. The covert machinations of the US intelligence community were unsuccessful in preventing Trump’s election and their post-election scheme to undermine him has yet to succeed. Even worse, the booming economy resulting from Trump’s policies could sway voters to support candidates who will pander to individual selfishness rather than the collective solidarity and personal sacrifice that characterized the Obama years. I fear for the fate of my country if Trump’s lurch to the right isn’t stopped.”

An example of the personal sacrifice promulgated by the Obama Administration was a $90 million program that helped 55 Afghan women obtain jobs. The net cost to US taxpayers for each job p-lacement was in excess of $1.6 million. Each job paid an average annual salary of around $11,000. While this program would appear to have been a poor investment, Scarborough urged that “we look beyond the price tag. Having rich Americans pay millions to benefit a few dozen Muslims built bridges that the penny-pinching Republicans would never have accomplished given their near religious dedication to serving the personal greed that has been their Party’s main ticket to electoral success.”

Carter Weighing 2020 Presidential Run

Distressed by what he called the “human rights disaster perpetrated by President Trump,” former President Jimmy Carter said “I may have to come out of retirement to save the nation from his reelection.”

“My main grievance is the blatant inequality Trump is willing to foist on this country,” Carter complained. “When I was president the entire country suffered through a malaise, but we did it together as one united people. The prosperity Trump is forcing on the country has shattered this unity and encouraged individuals to compete to get ahead. I don’t believe this is what Americans truly want. Otherwise they wouldn’t have reelected Obama for a second term. Since he is barred by the Constitution from being elected president again I think I could offer voters a chance to continue his legacy by electing me in 2020.”

“If I were elected in 2020 I would begin by reversing every single policy that Trump has implemented,” Carter promised. “I would reclaim the government’s money that Trump’s tax cut foolishly gave away. I would rescind the deregulation that allows businesses and individuals the right to do what they think best and re-institute the strict government oversight that guarantees socially responsible decisions. I would end ICE’s persecution of international travelers and redirect the agency to adopt a more welcoming stance that would include helping these travelers to find public housing, sign up for government assistance, and register to vote.”

Kerry Bolsters His Foreign Policy Credentials for 2020 Run

Former Secretary of State John Kerry, a potential rival of Carter’s for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination, sought to burnish his credentials by announcing that he has been secretly serving as an unofficial foreign policy adviser to the Iranian government. “I told them not to knuckle under to Trump’s pressure to discontinue their nuclear program,” Kerry bragged. “It is their ‘ace-in-the-hole’ for gaining the leverage they need to become a major nuclear power before Trump or anyone else can stop them.”

The aspiring would-be White House resident scoffed at the possibility that his advice to Iran might be seen as treasonous by likening it to the career path of New England Patriots football coach Bill Belichick. “Before he was the head coach of the Patriots he was the head coach of the Cleveland Browns,” Kerry pointed out. “Do we revile him for being disloyal to the Browns? Or do we admire his skill in guiding the Patriots to five Superbowl championships? I think voters will view my experience in advising Iran as a plus when compared to the lesser foreign policy accomplishments of the other contenders for the presidency.”

Professor Shoots Self to Protest Trump

At the College of Southern Nevada, Professor emeritus Mark Bird shot himself in the arm in a restroom as a protest against President Trump’s anti-gun control policies. “People like me should never be permitted to have a gun,” Bird said. “The demented Second Amendment guarantee of the right to bear arms clearly failed to prevent me from shooting myself. Trump’s unwillingness to repeal this Amendment is the cause of the injury I suffered from my self-inflicted wound.”

Bird acknowledged that “those who enacted the Second Amendment in 1789 inhabited a simpler and saner world than we do today. Back then most people died from causes—disease, Indian attacks, work accidents—that have been largely eliminated in our modern society. Today more survive and eventually succumb to the mental illnesses deriving from stress. We need to revise the Constitution to reflect this new reality.”

“Which people should have guns is something that the government should decide based on need,” Bird suggested. “If a person needs a gun to earn a living he probably should be allowed to have a gun. Soldiers, police, bodyguards, armored car drivers and armed robbers are the types of professions where access to a gun might be essential to success.”

Media Blames Trump for Hurricane Damage

This week, Hurricane Florence hit the Carolina coast of the United States. The Washington Post’s editorial board charged President Trump with “complicity.”

“The Trump Administration’s failure to sign the Paris Climate Accord combined with the surge in economic activity inspired by tax cuts and deregulation are directly responsible for any damage done by the weather in this country,” the editorial claimed. “The steps former President Obama took to subdue economic growth had put the nation on a path that could have prevented hurricanes from being so dangerous. The shutdown factories and lower incomes his policies achieved mitigated the environmental forces that contribute to bad weather. The benefits of those policies have been negated by the Trump Administration.”

The irony is that even though the United States has not signed the Paris Accord this country’s reductions in CO2 emissions has been larger than that of the European countries that did sign. In addition, nothing that the Trump Administration has done since coming to power in January of 2017 can be shown to have had any impact on this year’s hurricane season. Finally, it is likely that the suffering due to the economic depression resulting from Obama’s policies was worse than the damage done by hurricanes coming ashore in the United States.

In related news, a study from George Washington University’s Milken School of Public Health estimated that there were 2,975 “excess deaths” in the period following Hurricane Maria’s landfall in Puerto Rico. Washington Post columnist Jennifer Rubin blames Trump for these deaths. The fact is that the US government, at the direction of President Trump, did more than any other entity to aid Puerto Rico in the aftermath of this hurricane. Blame for the estimated deaths would more reasonably be attributed to the vulnerability of the island being in the path of major hurricanes, the poorly constructed housing typical on the impoverished island, and the inept local government that left a lot of the US-provided aid to rot before it could be distributed.

FaceBook Better Prepared for 2018 Elections

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg promised that “this year’s efforts to ensure the proper election outcome will be more successful than our 2016 intervention.”

“In 2016 our security safeguards didn’t prevent all nonconforming content from reaching voters.” Zuckerburg admitted. “Some anti-Clinton messages weren’t detected and blocked. Likewise, some pro-Trump messages still managed to get through. In the intervening two years we have tightened our measures. I am highly confident that we will have the maximum possible positive influence in determining who wins.”

As an example of the “tightened measures” Zuckerberg pointed out that “we have banned the #WalkAway movement that seeks to encourage millennials to desert the Democratic Party. Blocking this group should be decisive since they have no access to corporate money and rely entirely on grassroots efforts and individual donations.”

Brandon Straka, the founder of the #WalkAway movement, is a former liberal who left the Democratic Party because “it has devolved into intolerant, inflexible, illogical, hateful, misguided, ill-informed, un-American, hypocritical, menacing, callous, ignorant, narrow-minded and, at times, blatantly fascistic behavior and rhetoric.”

Straka said his turning point came after his liberal friends blamed him for being attacked by a homeless person who demanded money. “They said it was my fault for being a privileged white,” Straka recounted. “My ‘privilege’ is that I work for a living. I’ve never asked for a handout and don’t appreciate being designated as a nonperson who can be victimized by a parasite demanding my hard-earned income.”

In other election news, a Democratic Party activist seeking to register voters in the Somerville Veterans Memorial Cemetery in Massachusetts was observed tearing down and urinating on American flags that mourners had set up by some of the graves. A witness driving by snapped a photograph of the man and the pile of flags he urinated on. Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) alleged that “the witness’ actions constituted an invasion of privacy and could be construed as an attempt to suppress the vote.”

Meanwhile, Beto O’Rourke, the Democratic candidate for the US Senate in Texas, hosted a private fund-raising event in New York City “because Texans are too stingy to pony up the millions I require for my campaign.”

Text Messages Prove Strzok a Liar

Newly released text messages between former FBI anti-Trump conspirators Peter Strzok and Lisa Page show that Strzok’s claim that “the media leak strategy” text revealed last week “was to discuss ways of preventing leaks” is false. In this week’s batch of newly discovered texts, Strzok wrote Page to tell her that “the Times is angry with us for giving the Washington Post the scoop on the leak about Carter Page and the FISA warrant.”

Strzok’s admission that he leaked classified information to the Washington Post would seem to invalidate Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein’s excuse for refusing to turn over the unredacted FISA warrant to Congress. Rosenstein, however, remains adamant about withholding this information insisting that “because a reporter at the Post has seen this classified information it doesn’t mean that anybody else should. It has been my experience that the Post can be trusted not to carelessly handle leaked information as well as to protect the identity of the leaker. Just because Strzok has stepped in it shouldn’t lead us to expose others who have successfully handed off classified information without boasting about it in a text.”

Rosenstein brushed aside Carter Page’s complaint that Strzok’s leak to the media led to him receiving death threats, saying that “if he hadn’t gotten involved with Trump in the first place none of this would’ve happened. He wouldn’t have been the patsy used as a pretext for the FISA warrant. The FBI would’ve had to find someone else to serve that purpose.”

Dems Object to Federal Pay Freeze

Democrats in Congress are calling for legislation to reinstate a pay increase that President Trump canceled by executive order. Rep. Jamie Raskin (D-Md) labeled Trump’s pay freeze “an indefensible attack on the hard-working government employees who keep the country going.”

The reasoning behind the federal pay freeze is that government workers already earn far more for comparable work than their private sector counterparts. According data from Bureau of Economic Analysis, annual wages for federal government employees is nearly $89,000 vs. $59,000 for similar jobs in the private sector. When fringe benefits are counted, the gap widens to $127,000 vs. $71,000.

Raskin contends that the comparison is invalid. “Government needs to retain the best and brightest among the population,” the Congressman said. “We have to pay a premium to woo the elite performers away from the less important functions of the private sector. The actions of private sector workers are more limited in scope—affecting the narrow constituency of customers and shareholders. The actions of government workers crafting the rules and regulations that tell the private sector what to do are much more important and broader in scope. They deserve to be paid more.”

Rep. Scott Taylor (D-Va) pointed out that “a workforce that has become accustomed to higher levels of pay cannot easily adapt to lower than anticipated wages. If they become dissatisfied they are in a position to shut down the entire country. The country can survive if truckers, or steel workers, or construction workers go on strike, but can it survive if the people who write and enforce the regulations go on strike? I don’t think the American people want to find out. It would be better to pay now than be sorry later.”

Meanwhile, St. Louis Federal Reserve Bank President James Bullard credited President Donald Trump with boosting U.S. economic growth in a way that may prove to be sustainable by lifting productivity. “Trump’s impact isn’t the fleeting temporary bump from a government spending binge,” Bullard observed. “The tax cuts and deregulation he has championed have increased the real returns on private sector investment. As long as these returns aren’t undermined by policy reversals economic growth will tend to compound at higher and higher rates over time.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Abortion the Great Equalizer

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Former president of Planned Parenthood Gloria Feldt told a Cornell University audience that “abortion gives women an equal seat at life’s table. Putting all of the burden of child-bearing and birthing on women violates the Constitution’s equal protection clause. Abortion is the remedy. Freeing ourselves of the obligations imposed on us by a patriarchal society is the only way we can enjoy the same power that men have monopolized through a discriminatory reproductive system.”

Feldt’s remarks mirrored those of former First Daughter Chelsea Clinton who also advocated an economic rationale for preserving the court-granted right of reluctant would-be mothers to abort their unborn children. Clinton’s argument pointed out that “women who were freed by the 1973 Roe v. Wade Supreme Court decision from the encumbrance of an unwanted child were able to join the workforce and add half a trillion dollars to the GDP between the years 1973 to 2009.”

However, the research cited by Clinton was more ambiguous than she let on. On the one hand, one of the studies showing that women denied third-trimester abortions under some states’ laws suffered economically in the short term experienced economic outcomes equivalent to women who underwent first-trimester abortions after five-years. Then, too, the analyses of the income status of the women completely ignores the loss of the future economic contributions of the children killed by the procedure.

Meanwhile, at the Senate hearings on Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh pro-abortion activists became so unruly that more than 70 had to be arrested. Their outrage was stimulated by the portion of Kavanaugh’s testimony where he dared to offer an opinion that “when the Government forces someone to take an action contrary to his or her sincere religious belief or else suffer a financial penalty, the Government has substantially burdened the individual’s free exercise of religion.”

Sen. Mazie Hirono (D-Hawaii) complained that Kavanaugh’s perspective “elevated a strict adherence to the First Amendment over every woman’s right to have an abortion. It is a basic principle of legislation that a later law automatically modifies an earlier law. The Supreme Court’s 1973 decision essentially legislated a universal right to abortion for every woman in America. This later legislation clearly supersedes the 1789 adoption of the First Amendment’s protection of freedom of religion.” Unfortunayely for Hirono, her conception of the law contradicts the Supreme Court’s validation of Kavanaugh’s interpretation.

Clinton Stumps for Menendez in NJ

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is going “all-in” for the reelection of Sen. Robert Menendez (D-NJ) despite the formidable cloud of criminality overhanging the Senator. Late last year his bribery trial resulted in a hung jury. Clinton will speak at a fancy fund-raiser for Menendez in October.

“I feel we are kindred spirits,” Clinton said. “Both of us have been unfairly criticized for our politics. The whole corruption case against Bob for the special favors he did for a constituent sought to punish him for behavior that is typically overlooked. Should a constituent be denied a senator’s services merely because he is also a generous friend? Bob, myself, and practically everyone I know has done something similar during our careers. In my case, the names of persons receiving special treatment from the State Department also being the same as donors to the Clinton Foundation was blown out of proportion as if it were some sort of quid-pro-quo rather than the odd coincidence it actually was.”

Clinton pointed out that “voters in New Jersey were too smart to be fooled by the innuendos thrown at me by Republicans and chose me over Donald Trump in the 2016 presidential election. I hope they will do the same for Sen. Menendez and give him the nod over his Republican challenger in this Fall’s election.”

Obama Claims Credit for Economic Boom

As we move closer to the mid-term election day, the stream of favorable economic news following the Republican tax cuts and President Trump’s moves toward deregulation has spurred former President Obama to step forward to try to make the case that his policies were the real source of the current boom.

In a speech at the University of Illinois, Obama attempted to persuade people that “the credit for the prosperity that is breaking out today truly belongs to me. The GOP tax cuts wouldn’t have been as effective if taxes hadn’t been so high during my term. Likewise for the deregulation. I mean, you can’t have deregulation unless you first have regulation.”

“And let me further remind everyone that today’s historic lows in unemployment for minorities hasn’t come without a significant cost,” the former president maintained. “Every Black and Latino forced off of welfare and food stamps and into a job is a person who has lost a substantial portion of his former freedom. The freedom to loll around has value, yet no one is pointing out the discomforts faced by those who have lost this freedom.”

Obama also wondered “whether herding minorities into wage-slavery might be evidence of Trump’s racism. The disproportionate racial impacts heralded by Trump and his ilk seems to vindicate Joe Biden’s prediction that the Republicans aim to put Blacks back in chains—maybe not literal chains, but social pressure to accept jobs when you’d really rather have the time to yourself. We need to resist this kind of bullying by electing Democrats who will undo the damage done by Republicans over the last year and a half.”

The former president’s pitch relies on the premise that minorities would prefer to be lazy louts rather than working to support themselves and their families. The evidence that might confirm this premise is mixed. On the one hand, Trump’s approval ratings among Blacks have breached the 30% mark. On the other hand, nearly 70% still disapprove of the President.

In related news, the South African government’s plan to expropriate white farmers’ land and maybe kill them at some point in the not too distant future has been followed by a drastic 29% decline in agricultural output this year. President Cyril Ramaphosa blamed the anti-social attitudes of whites for the decline contending that “just like Stalin, we are faced with our own kulak saboteurs who place their own well-being ahead of the demands of the collective. We will isolate these enemies of the state and subject them to a harsh lesson.”

Dem Uses Kavanaugh Hearing to Jockey for Position in 2020

Fresh from his preposterous antics in the Senate Judiciary Committee hearing on the Kavanaugh nomination to the Supreme Court in which he characterized himself as a “Spartacus fighting against tyranny,” Sen. Cory Booker (D-NJ) brushed aside Wall Street Journal reporter Byron Tau’s attempt to ask him a question about it, asserting that “it is unconstitutional for anyone to question me about anything I said in Congress in any other place.”

Booker’s heroic moment came when he made a show of releasing what he called “wrongly classified documents that Republicans are trying to hide from the American people. I know that my violation of the rules could lead to my expulsion from the Senate, but the stakes are higher than my seat. Even if I am expelled, my fight for the truth will go on to the 2020 presidential election where my selfless sacrifice will demonstrate that I am the essential man needed to carry on the social revolution begun by former President Obama.”

One flaw in Booker’s grandiose plans, though, was the fact that the so-called “hidden documents” had previously been cleared for release by the Committee’s Republican majority prior to his stunt. Another flaw is that the documents that Booker accused the GOP of trying to hide actually confirm that Kavanaugh voiced opposition to racial profiling in the memos Booker held in his hand as he ranted against the Judge. Perhaps Tau’s knowledge of these facts may have been the main source of the Senator’s post-hearing snit.

Meanwhile, Sen. Kamala Harris (D-Calif) mocked Judge Kavanaugh for carrying a copy of the Constitution in his pocket “as if it is some sort of bible. It’s only words—very old words. I find it scary that someone who aspires to join the Supreme Court would need such a crutch. I think we need Justices who are creative and open to new ideas if we hope to transform our form of government to keep pace with changing times.”

California Dems Vote to Seek Mutual Defense Treaty with China

Citing the “common interests we share with China,” eighty California State Assembly members have unanimously passed a bill to declare the legislature’s support for “a mutual defense treaty to deal with the threat posed to both our nations by the Trump regime.”

Assembly member Evan Low (D-Campbell) said “the Trump Administration’s policies constitute a mortal danger to every Californian. It is our natural right to sever the political bonds with his tyranny and seek new guards for our liberties. Given the military might of the armed forces controlled by Trump it is imperative that we, much like the confederation of colonies that sought independence from our British overlords in 1776, align with a foreign power of sufficient strength to deter the oppression Trump would impose on California.”

Among the specific grievances listed by the bill, Low highlighted “the most egregious of affronts to our state’s rights, including the interdiction of the immigrants needed to provide the votes necessary to reattach lands stolen from Mexico by United States aggression in 1848 and preventing the abolition of fossil-based fuels that would lead to a cleaner, greener environment.”

“I know some people will question whether China could be trusted to respect California’s independence,” Low acknowledged. “They say the Chinese one-party government is too different from our democracy. But wasn’t the same thing true during the American Revolution when the French autocratic government sided with the rebellion against the British? The important thing is that even though our two governments have a different form of rule we do share a common devotion to socially progressive ideals. I believe these shared ideals can be relied upon to ensure a live-and-let-live long-term relationship between the liberator and the liberated.”

In related news, Beto O’Rourke, the Democratic candidate for US Senate from Texas asked that the American flags be removed from the Veterans of Foreign Wars hall that he rented for a campaign rally in Navasota. A spokesman for his campaign explained “a lot of our supporters aren’t Americans. By virtue of great effort and arduous treks across the barren wastes of Mexico they have arrived in Texas in time to vote for Beto to represent them in Congress. Why should they be forced to look at a flag they consider a symbol of oppression?”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Candidate Calls for Free Health Care for Illegals

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Former San Francisco mayor and current Democratic candidate for governor of California Gavin Newsome has pledged to make health care free for all illegal immigrants if he wins in November. “When I was mayor I extended the boundaries of freedom beyond what is provided in any other city in America,” Newsome boasted. “The most well-known of these freedoms is, of course, the freedom to defecate in public without fear of penalty. But an overlooked freedom was using public funds to ensure that every undocumented person residing in the city received the same benefits that citizens are required to purchase under Obamacare.”

Newsome defended the disparate treatment by citing “the unforgivable gap between the wealth of those who have good-paying jobs, careers, and businesses and those who literally had nothing but the clothes on their backs when they crossed the border from Mexico. Those who have must bear the burden of caring for those who have-not. I look forward to expanding the advances I made in San Francisco into a statewide transformation of the way all Californians live.”

In related news, the public defecation that had previously been confined to neighborhoods infested with homeless vagrants has popped up at the SF airport where cabbies waiting to pick up fares have been relieving themselves on the pavement. Airport officials are outraged, but several cab drivers have spoken out in defense of the practice saying that the threat of sanctions against them for public defecation “is an infringement on the rights that were granted to everyone by Mayor Newsome.”

Staff Changes at the Special Prosecutor’s Office

Signs that Special Counsel Robert Mueller is about to ramp up the enforcement phase of his campaign against the Trump Administration was indicated by the departure of two lower-ranking prosecutors. The slots will be filled by two former military sharpshooters.

Peter Carr, a spokesman for the special counsel, explained that “the seriousness of the threat to the nation posed by President Trump combined with his power to thwart normal legal procedures has forced Mr. Mueller to consider a more forceful approach.” Carr cited the action taken to neutralize Osama bin Laden as a precedent for Mueller’s decision. “The nation didn’t limit itself to an impractical option of arresting and prosecuting bin Laden and we shouldn’t expect the Special Counsel to do so when confronted with the greater threat posed by Trump.”

Carr added “it is our hope that by being upfront in our announcement of the staffing adjustments that President Trump will take the hint and resign of his own free will. We’re not eager to get more blood on our hands than is necessary, but we will do whatever we have to in order to save the nation from a dangerous usurper.”

Sean Casten, the Democratic candidate in Illinois’ 6th Congressional District hailed the Special Counsel staff changes, calling them “the kind of ‘outside-the-box’ thinking we need in these perilous times. I thought I was the only one who saw the remarkable similarities between Trump and Osama. I’m glad to see that Robert Mueller is on the same page and is preparing to take the extreme measures required to deal with it.”

In related news, Georgetown University law professor Joshua Geltzer told a CNN audience that “it is not enough that Trump just be removed from office, all evidence that he was ever the president must be erased. Don’t think it can’t be done. There is historical precedent for such an erasure. In ancient times the names of reviled Pharaohs were chiseled off monuments. More recently, the Soviet Union erased the records of traitors from their history, even going so far as to retouch old photos. These erasures have helped deprive the disloyal unknowns hiding among the population from rallying around the memory of the enemies of the state.”

Along these lines, billionaire globalist George Soros is funding a Media Matters scheme aimed at eliminating Trump supporters from access to social media by the year 2020. David Brock, founder of Media Matters for America, bragged that “we will coordinate with Google, Facebook and Twitter to implement the suppression of anti-democratic content from conservatives, Republicans, and Trump supporters whenever and wherever possible.”

MSNBC Panel Agrees “Trump Supporters Are Selfish”

A panel hosted by MSNBC anchor Stephanie Ruhle unanimously agreed that Trump supporters, unlike those who oppose him, are “selfish.” Ruhle set the tone, saying that “the morally reprehensible behavior of the President doesn’t seem to bother these people. I mean, there was the ‘Access Hollywood’ tape that should have destroyed him during the last weeks of the 2016 campaign. Now, there is a plausible contention that he had sex with Stormy Daniels ten years ago and paid her off to keep quiet about it. Is this the kind of person we want as our president?”

“What I am hearing from Trump supporters is their satisfaction with the job he is doing as president,” Ruhle said. “They like the tax cuts. They like the low unemployment. They like keeping immigrants from sneaking into the country. They like the ‘originalist’ judges he’s appointed to the courts. These are all selfish reasons for supporting Trump. They don’t consider things like how will Trump’s policies affect those who depend on government to support them, or that jobs are boring, or that the border with Mexico was established by conquest, or that a rigid adherence to the text of the Constitution limits judges’ ability to rule in favor of social justice. They are thinking about what’s better for them when they should be thinking about what’s better for others.”

Co-anchor Ali Velshi found Trump supporters’ opposition to government-funded abortions to be “an especially egregious example of selfishness. They’d rather have lower taxes than pay for women to terminate their pregnancies. Without access to free abortions more children will be born and the world will become even more clogged with unneeded humans.”

Billionaire Tom Steyer predicted that “this selfishness will not prevail at the polls. I’m seeing a lot of enthusiasm among Democratic voters. I think we will see victories for candidates who will undo the tax cuts, restore welfare benefits, open the border, and enact fully socialized health care. That’s where my money is invested.”

Blame for Chinese Espionage Coup Unclear

The execution of 20 CIA spies by the Chinese government during the Obama term was a serious setback for America’s national security. The question of who is to blame remains a matter of dispute. Candidates include Sen. Diane Feinstein (D-Calif) and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.

It was revealed earlier in August that a member of Sen. Feinstein’s staff for the last 20 years was, in fact, a spy for the Chinese government. Feinstein was a member of the Senate Intelligence Committee from 2009 to 2017 and would have been privy to a lot of classified material that might have been purloined by the Chinese spy she employed. She also has a history of lobbying for legislation viewed as favorable toward Chinese interests. She has attempted to rebuff accusations that she may be the person at fault for the loss of our spies in China by pointing out that “the spy on my staff was mostly a chauffeur and not an intentional participant in any discussions of classified information I may have had during the Obama years.”

It has also been discovered that in 2015 the Intelligence Community Inspector General (ICIG) warned the FBI that a Chinese company had hacked into the unsecure computer that Clinton used when she was Secretary of State and implanted software that automatically sent copies of her emails to China. Unfortunately, the FBI agent that the ICIG warned was Peter Strzok who took no action to block this security breach. It’s possible that among the classified data transmitted by Secretary Clinton via her computer was information identifying the US spies that were later executed. In her defense, Clinton has asserted that “I would never knowingly have transmitted classified information that could have proved harmful to America’s interests.”

In its continuing quest to absolve Hillary Clinton for every crime she has committed, the FBI asserted that “we have no evidence that Secretary Clinton’s computer was hacked by the Chinese.” This assertion stands in contrast to the FBI’s assertion that Russians hacked her computer. The distinction is baffling since the FBI has never had access to her computer because she irreversibly erased all of its contents claiming that “all government-related documents had already been turned over and only personal correspondence remained”–a statement that has subsequently been discredited.

Dem Objections to Supreme Court Nominee Mount

Democrats’ objections to Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh continue to mount. Sen. Mazie Hirono (Hawaii) complains that “all I see from his record is a slavish devotion to the written law. I see no willingness to consider the unwritten law or the social justice implications of refusing to create new laws when circumstances warrant it.”

Sen. Richard Blumenthal (Conn) found “Kavanaugh’s lack of military experience a bit troubling. My Vietnam service has been an essential building block of my career. I couldn’t have been the effective senator I have been without it.”

Sen. Christopher Coons (Del) lamented “the inadequate paper trail provided by the Republicans. We need to see every document Judge Kavanaugh has ever touched if we are to give the fully informed advice and consent that the Constitution has assigned to us as senators.”

The “every document” demand amounts to nearly 3 million additional pages and would take many months to assemble. Right now the senators have access to 500,000 pages of documents—more than twice as many pages as have been provided for any previous Supreme Court nominee by either Party.

Sen. Thom Tillis (R-SC) derided what he labeled “an insatiable appetite for irrelevant trivia. The key documents senators should be reading to evaluate Judge Kavanaugh’s fitness are his written decisions in actual cases. These are the instances in which a judge has to rule on the law. Any admin work he might have done before he was a judge isn’t pertinent to or indicative of his legal reasoning.”

Cuomo Attacks GDP as Measure of Economic Health

Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D-NY), anxious to build on the momentum set in motion by his earlier assertion that “America was never that great,” demanded a better measure of the nation’s economic health. “I know that the Trump Administration is touting last quarter’s 4.2% rise in GDP as a sign that the economy is booming,” the Governor observed. “But is this really the best measure we can come up with? GDP growth never got as high as 3% during the Obama Administration. But can we really say that Americans weren’t better off then?”

“The problem with GDP is that it is founded on the notion that more is better—more output, more jobs, more profits—but is this true?” Cuomo asked. “More output means we have more stuff, but isn’t a lot of this stuff just more junk to clutter our lives? More jobs means less leisure—is this what we really want? And doesn’t more profits only encourage more investment and lead back to more output and more jobs in a kind of vicious circle?”

“I have a sense that people were really better off during the more stable years under the Obama Administration,” Cuomo imagined. “Fewer people were ensnared in the rat race. More were able to live worry-free on the generous benefits provided by the government. We need a better way to measure that type of intangible enjoyment of life so we can more fairly compare the peace and serenity of the Obama years with the crushing burdens of work that have inspired so many people to take to the streets and assault their fellow citizens now that Trump is president.”

Meanwhile, Cynthia Nixon, Cuomo’s opponent in the Democratic primary, has called for “less investment in law and order and more investment in free health care. Law and order has different impacts on different segments of society. Not everyone agrees that the current owners of property are morally entitled to hold onto it. Why should they vote for a governor who favors law and order? Free health care, on the other hand, benefits those on either side of the law. Both the victim of rape and the burglar shot by a home owner would benefit from the universal free health care program I will implement when I am elected governor.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

‘No Crime Required for Impeachment’ Dem Say

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

This week’s “plea bargain” in which former Trump lawyer Michael Cohen confessed to the non-crime of paying “hush money” to two women alleging trysts with Donald Trump more than ten years ago has created an impeachment frenzy in media and Democratic Party circles. Under normal circumstances, a threat to expose embarrassing information unless a payment is made would be considered extortion. That would make the person demanding payment the criminal party in the transaction.

But, as Rep. Al Green (D-Tex) says, “normally, a person being victimized by a blackmailer would deserve sympathy. However, when that victim is Donald Trump we need to consider the totality of the circumstances. By seeking to suppress negative information during an election campaign Trump has conspired to influence the outcome of an election. That is enough to justify removing him from office.”

“Even if the allegations against him are untrue and he never had sex with these women offering them money to withhold their allegations from the media and the voters is behavior unworthy of a president,” Green argued. “If Trump isn’t ashamed enough to resign on his own Congress should impeach him.”

Green sought to differentiate the current situation from that faced by former President Bill Clinton, saying that “as I recall, Clinton tried to persuade his accusers rather than bribe them to keep silent. It was only afterwards that he agreed to pay Paula Jones $850,000 to settle her sexual harassment lawsuit against him. So, I’d say the two cases are completely different.”

“Besides, Bill Clinton’s term saw some of the best governance in American history,” Green remembered. “The federal deficit plunged. North Korea was paid to discontinue its nuclear program. The Branch Davidians were wiped out. Elian Gonzales was returned to Cuba. Trump’s record pales in contrast. His tax cuts may have sparked a private sector boom, but government deficits are higher. Fewer Americans are receiving unemployment benefits and food stamps. A distressing number of African-Americans have been induced to forgo the security of these benefits and venture into the treacherous waters of owning and operating small businesses where the risk of failure is high.”

In related news, Cohen’s lawyer, former Clinton apparatchik Lanny Davis, avowed that his client “would neither seek nor accept a pardon from President Trump. Michael is a changed man. He’s determined to do the right thing no matter what the cost. He’s even willing to go to prison if that is what it takes to rescue the nation from the clutches of the evil Donald Trump. That’s the kind of integrity his prosecution has inspired in him.” Meanwhile, Davis asked donors to be generous on Cohen’s GoFundMe page “so he will have enough money to pay for my legal services.”

Senator Lectures Parents of Slain Co-ed

The discovery of the body of missing Iowa college student Mollie Tibbets brought a tragic end to a month-long search. The arrest of Cristhian Bahena Rivera, an illegal alien, for her murder inspired Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) to urge Ms. Tibbets’ parents to “focus on the bigger picture. Sure they have lost a daughter, but this loss must be weighed against the suffering of the much larger contingent of immigrant parents who have been separated from their children merely because they’ve entered the country illegally.”

“I mean, I’m sorry Mollie Tibbets is dead, but she was just one person,” Warren pointed out. “Hundreds, if not thousands of immigrant children have been separated from their parents. The aggregate pain of these separations easily exceeds the few moments of pain Mollie experienced as she was stabbed to death. Her pain will be balanced by the pain her assailant experiences when he spends a couple of decades behind bars. His ‘American dream’ has likely come to an end. However, this doesn’t justify trampling on the dreams of immigrants whose only ‘crime’ is illegally crossing the border.”

Rivera admitted dragging her body out of the trunk of his car and burying it in a shallow grave in a cornfield not far from where he lives, but claims to have no memory of actually killing her. “I went to put some groceries in my trunk when there was this dead girl in there,” Rivera recalled. “I panicked. All I could think to do was bury her and hope the body was never found. But I was unlucky and the police found me. Now I’ll probably be deported. I’m a hard worker and I’ve never done anything else wrong. It doesn’t seem fair.”

In related news, the ruling Social Democrats are irate over the decision by Sweden’s public broadcaster (SVT) to air crime statistics showing that foreign-born men (mostly Muslim immigrants) are responsible for 58% of the rapes committed in the country. Party Leader Stefan Löfven complained that “the introduction of this statistic into the public arena during an election campaign is very disruptive. The average voter is not competent to assess these data. The result will be confusion that will undermine their faith in our Party’s ability to govern. Obviously, after we win we’ll be looking into ways of preventing the release of embarrassing information that might influence future elections.”

UN Sec Gen Calls for More Aid to Fight Israel

Lamenting that “those who oppose Israel are not as well-armed as the Jews,” United Nations Secretary-General, Antonio Guterres called for “increased spending to level the playing field. The Palestinian quest to annihilate Israel is severely hampered by the superior fighting ability of the Israeli Defense Forces. Israel has sophisticated weapons, well-trained troops and pilots, and a sense of desperation that gives them no alternative but to courageously fight for survival. This puts their enemies at an unfair disadvantage.”

“The $5 billion in US aid to the Palestinians over the past decade has been insufficient to give these oppressed people a decent chance of success against Israel,” Guterres complained. “The weapons they’ve bought have been inferior. Their strategy has been chaotic. Their tactics of attacking civilians have failed to achieve the intended results. As a result the retaliation by Israeli Defense Forces has effectively thwarted any progress toward the ultimate goal of wiping Israel off the map. We need a redoubled effort.”

Guterres said he was “pessimistic that we can count on the Trump regime to do the right thing,” but held out hope that “perhaps if he is removed from office by Mueller or Congress his successor will be more amenable to the idea of funding a fairer fight between the two sides contesting for control over the land now occupied by the Jews.”

California to Rescue 800,000 Welfare Recipients

As the Trump economic boom has pushed the state’s unemployment rate to a low of 4.2 percent, the Brown Administration has applied to the U.S. Department of Agriculture for a waiver of the requirement for 800,000 able-bodied and childless Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP) recipients in 55 counties to do some work in exchange for this government benefit.

Gov. Jerry Brown (D) defended the action calling it “an act of mercy. Most of these long-term welfare recipients have no work experience or aptitude. Demanding that they enter the workforce even on a part time basis constitutes an inhumane and traumatic culture shock. In theory, they might be capable of doing some work, but in reality they are habituated to an indolent lifestyle. Any tasks they might be induced to perform will very likely be done poorly. So, not only would forcing them to work destroy their way of life, the output of their efforts will almost certainly prove unsatisfactory.”

Brown rejected even low-skill options such as picking up litter, calling it “beneath the dignity that every human being has a right to expect. It may not require skill to do such jobs, but that in itself is a humiliation that no one should be forced to endure. In my mind, it’s preferable that those of us who are better off bear a higher tax burden than that we deprive those less well off pf the leisure to which they’ve become accustomed. Fortunately for our state, the bulk of the tax burden will be borne by the rest of the nation.”

In related news, Gov. Brown was recently ordered by the state’s 3rd Appellate District Court to repay more than $300 million in funds the state illegally diverted from a national fund intended to help homeowners struggling with foreclosures. In response, the State’s Democratically controlled legislature has plans to legalize the illegal transfer by statutory means. Assembly member Philip Ting (D-San Fran) boasted that “AB1829 will use the sovereign power of the State under the US Constitution’s 10th Amendment to overrule the court’s decision. Since the federal government lacks the enumerated Constitutional authority to bail out home mortgages we have the right to divert the federal money as we deem fit.”

South Africa Government Protests Trump Tweets

South Africa’s government has lodged a formal protest alleging that President Trump’s tweet questioning its confiscation of the property of white farmers is “an inappropriate interference with the internal affairs of our country. We are a sovereign nation. Everyone living within our borders is ours to do with as we deem best. As recently as July of this year, American President Obama acknowledged that this property transfer is inspiring great hope in our country.”

While the property seizures violate the country’s current constitution, President Cyril Ramaphosa is asking the Parliament “to change the constitution and allow the government to seize the land without compensating the owners. We are not saying that the land has been mismanaged. It has been well-cared for and that is the problem. The wealth generated by the white owners is disproportionately higher than the wealth generated on farms owned by the black majority. This is unjust. The confiscation will rectify this injustice and allow blacks to own and manage these lands for good or ill. Either way, it will be blacks making their own future.”

Trump isn’t the only one to express concerns. The liberal-leaning South African Institute of Race Relations (SAIRR) said the policy was causing damage to the country and would not bring about positive results. “President Ramaphosa’s assertion that the expropriation of this private property will not adversely affect economic growth, agricultural production, or food security is contradicted by the history of similar property seizures around the world,” according to a statement issued by SAIRR. “Trampling property rights weakens the incentive to use resources wisely. A regime that can seize land without compensating its owners will likely get poor results from the new owners it redistributes the land to. Not only do these new owners lack the experience that leads to good stewardship, they will also know that their ownership is insecure, which also tends to discourage good stewardship.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Senator Introduces ‘Accountable Capitalism Act’

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) is sponsoring legislation that would negate the control of corporate shareholders and transfer authority to government. Her bill—the “Accountable Capitalism Act”–is, in her words, “intended to replace greedy profiteering with the more socially beneficial guidance of government oversight.”

The prime motive for the bill was her discovery that employees share of the income generated by businesses has fallen from 85% 20 years ago to “only” 75% today. “As Karl Marx conclusively proved more than 150 years ago, all the value created by businesses comes from labor,” Warren contended. “It is shameful that any of this value is expropriated by the capitalistic overlords. My bill would correct this travesty and bring about an era of social justice the likes of which the world has never seen.”

Critics have pointed out that her legislation would institute an economic structure eerily similar to that of the National Socialist German Workers’ Party in the 1930s. Undeterred, Warren argued that “while we can all abhor the vile racist goals of the Nazis we shouldn’t let that blind us to the economic virtues of their system. The economy boomed and gave a grossly outnumbered Germany the strength to take on nearly every government in Europe and nearly win. By shifting the governance of business from a narrow focus on earning profits by selfishly serving private individuals and imposing a requirement that they serve the national interest my bill will make America stronger and move us closer to attaining the utopia envisioned by Marx in his Communist Manifesto.”

Chris Cuomo: “Antifa Violence” Justified

CNN’s Chris Cuomo defended Antifa’s assaults on political opponents, calling it “a justifiable tactic to combat bigotry. The attempt to equate this with Nazi Brownshirts beating up Jews and political opponents is unfair. The Nazis were bigots. Their victims were innocent. Antifa’s victims are the right wing bigots who support the ‘bigot-in-chief’ who occupies the White House. Cracking their skulls is a socially beneficial use of violence for a good cause.”

In related news, CNN filed a motion to unseal the names and addresses of the jurors in the Manafort trial. The motion asserted that “the public has a right to know who these people are and the jurors need to know that they will be held accountable for their decision. If the appropriate verdict isn’t rendered at the trial a righteously offended public has to have a reasonable avenue for expressing their outrage. The fact that the jurors will be at home over the weekend before returning on Monday for further deliberations makes it all the more urgent that the opportunity for interface between jurors and citizens interested in the ultimate verdict be afforded in a timely fashion.”

Andrew Cuomo: “America Was Never that Great”

In what many suspect is an opening salvo in a potential 2020 run for president, Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D-NY) sought to establish a sharp contrast between himself and President Trump by telling an audience of Democratic partisans that “America was never that great.” This strong rebuttal to Trump’s pledge to “make America great again” elicited a mixed reaction. Some applauded his honesty. Others chided it.

Cuomo defended his contention by citing slavery, discrimination, and sexism. “America won’t be great until everyone is equal,” Cuomo insisted. “The descendants of those who benefited from slavery, discrimination, and sexism must first experience the sting of being on the receiving end of those damaging policies and attitudes. Those who are white need to be forced to toil for the benefit of minorities. Those who are white must be sent to the back of the bus. Those who are male must endure the same pain that women have endured since the beginning of time. Then America will be on the true path of greatness.”

Cuomo spokeswoman Dani Lever endeavored to clarify his remarks by saying that “an acknowledgment of mistakes must precede improvement. While Trump and his apologists assert that equality of opportunity is what makes America great this is little comfort to those unable or unwilling to make the effort to improve their lot in life. Not everyone is born with the talent or ambition to achieve the American dream on his or her own. The Governor believes it is the duty of government to level out this imbalance if we are to ensure that everyone can enjoy the good life regardless of whether they can ‘earn it’ for themselves. That has been the long-standing difference between Democrats and Republicans.”

Sexual Abuse a Religious Freedom Issue

The accusations that Democratic National Committee vice chairman Keith Ellison sexually abused two women may become the latest case of social mores butting up against religious freedom. DNC chairman Tom Perez reminded critics of Ellison’s behavior that “imposition of Christian standards of behavior on a Muslim man violate the First Amendment protection against government infringement on the free exercise of religion.”

“Under Islam, a man has total dominance over a woman,” Perez observed. “First, under sharia law, a woman is effectively only half as human as a man. Using this math, each of the accusers’ testimony is out weighed by a ratio of 1.0:0.5. That’s a two-thirds super-majority. Second, the right of a man to discipline a woman using moderate beatings is expressly authorized. Those demanding that Keith step down from his position in government and bow out of the race for Minnesota Attorney General would be applying an unconstitutional religious test for holding public office.”

Deep State Denizens Object to Losing Clearances

This week’s revocation of the security clearance of former CIA Director John Brennan elicited howls of protest from deep state apparatchiks. Brennan himself characterized the action as “treasonous. My ability to continue protecting this nation by leaking selected classified information to the media in our continuing effort to blunt the influence of President Trump is eviscerated by this cruel and callous act.”

Former FBI Director James Comey called it “an illegitimate use of executive authority. Nominally, a president has the power to award or remove anyone’s access to classified material. But Trump’s selective use of this authority against those of us who are trying to end his tyranny should frighten every right-thinking American.”

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) maintained that “this action is a pathetic attempt to silence critics. The credibility of Director Brennan is tied to the perception that he is a patriot working for what’s best for the country. Canceling his clearance taints that perception and undermines his credibility with the general public. The reminder that he was once a member of the Communist Party further taints that credibility and is as underhanded a political move as I have ever seen.”

Washington Post editor/columnist Eugene Robinson insisted that “canceling Brennan’s access to classified information is just a blatant abuse of power. I mean, I don’t know what else you can call it. And really should be one of the eventual articles of impeachment.” Robinson rebuffed contentions that former government officials no longer have a valid need to see classified files by pointing out that “Brennan is now employed as a commentator for MSNBC. His value in that capacity is enormously enhanced by continued access to secret government files. Removing that access will limit his value and endanger his job.”

For his part, Brennan vowed to press on saying that “while my official access may have been canceled I still have many friends and contacts in the government who do have access that I can count on to include me in the continuing fight to unseat the usurper. If I could successfully leak classified info to the media when I was in the CIA those still in the CIA can leak it to me now that I am in the media.”

San Francisco Launches “Poop Patrol”

In another triumph of progress politics, the City of San Francisco has announced the formation of an official “Poop Patrol” to scour the streets and remove the mounting piles of human excrement deposited by the homeless inhabitants of the community. The Patrol will start with a staff of six—one supervisor and five workers.

Public works department spokeswoman Rachel Gordon said “we’re not denying the right of the homeless to carry out necessary bodily functions as they see fit. After all, the streets and sidewalks are public spaces open to all. We want the homeless to understand that this is not meant to criticize their life style, but to help mitigate the negative health consequences of letting the stuff pile up to intolerable levels.”

The new Patrol will supplement the existing “Pit Stop” and 311 “Poop Hot Line” programs, which failed to stem the rising tide of human waste infesting the City’s public spaces. “The Pit Stop program provides public toilets in the downtown area, however, we realize that not everyone has the energy or motivation to make their way to these facilities,” Gordon observed. “Likewise, relying on citizens to call in sightings has a negative impact of perceptions of how clean and safe the community is. It’s one thing to ask citizens to phone in crimes-in-progress like they do in Chicago. The caller could save someone’s life or help catch a murderer. It’s embarrassing to ask citizens to report defecations-in-progress. The caller may feel like a prude or peeping Tom.”

McConnell Concocts a “Chameleon” Election Strategy

Concerned by predictions that a Democratic “blue wave” could lead to a loss of Republican majorities in the House and Senate, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky) has devised what he boasted is “a foolproof plan to avert disaster.”

The gist of this plan is to blur the differences between the two Parties by scheduling a number of votes on bipartisan bills that garner support from both sides of the aisle. The bills the Majority Leader has in mind include votes on the Defense and Labor, Health and Human Services spending bill, opioids legislation and the Water Resources Development Act. “I call it the ‘chameleon’ ploy,” McConnell said. “If Republicans and Democrats are voting on the same side of this issues voters won’t have a good reason to vote against us and the blue wave will be dissipated.”

“We’re in a tough spot,” McConnell argued. “The tax cuts we passed have energized the media against our Party. They can be counted on to remind voters that we implemented legislation that effectively pushed more people into the workforce—people that were previously perfectly comfortable subsisting on welfare. The deregulation implemented under President Trump’s direction has enabled an economic expansion that has created new jobs that undermined the rationale for idleness. Democrats will lambaste us for this in their campaign ads. The ‘chameleon’ strategy will moderate voters anger over what Republicans have done to disrupt their lives.”

McConnell rebuffed President Trump’s request to schedule a vote on making the individual component of the tax cut bill permanent on the dual grounds that “this would simply remind voters who may have already forgotten who pushed the tax cut through and would anger the Democrats who will likely be the majority after the election no matter what we do to try to avert that.”

Chelsea Clinton Touts Economic Benefits of Abortion

In a bid to energize Democratic voters for the upcoming congressional elections, former First Daughter Chelsea Clinton touted the economic benefits of abortion.

“Since 1973’s Roe v. Wade decision, the legal termination of more than 50 million useless eaters has saved the US economy more than $3.5 trillion,” she told the pro-abortion crowd. “By relieving 50 million women from the drudgery of child rearing the ruling enabled them to employ their talents more productively by taking jobs and earning a higher income.”

“All these benefits are in danger if Democrats can’t take control of Congress to block pro-life legislation and pro-life judicial appointments,” Clinton pointed out. “Republicans are determined to put the interests of unwanted children ahead of the economic prosperity of women. Whether it be a Kavanaugh ascending to the Supreme Court or a legislature enacting civil rights for the unborn, the threat is real. That’s why it is absolutely crucial that we get out and vote this November.”

In related news, Rep. Grace Meng (D-NY) is sponsoring a Constitutional Amendment that would lower the voting age to 16. “Any woman old enough to possibly need an abortion ought to have a say in electing those who have the power to ensure that this right remains inviolable,” Meng asserted. “The same goes for any young man who might need an escape clause from the obligation of providing support for a child he fathers but does not want.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

NY Times Hires Racist Editorial Writer

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

The New York Times announced it is adding Sarah Jeong to its editorial board. Ms. Jeong is noted for her anti-white animus that has been expressed in tweets like “how much joy I get out of being cruel to old white men,” “white people are marking up the internet with their opinions like dogs pissing on fire hydrants,” and “white people are only fit to live underground like groveling goblins.”

“We hired Sarah Jeong because of the exceptional work she has done,” the Times explained. “She offers a perspective that is both a powerful and timely contribution to the climate of hate that has been sweeping the country since Trump became president.”

Pardoned NY Ex-Cons to Vote in November

Last May, New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo issued an executive order restoring the voting rights of more than 20,000 ex-cons still on parole. Included among the 20,000 were a triple cop-killer, murderers, rapists, and pedophiles banned from being with 1,000 feet of schools. In the two months since the executive order more than 100 of these individuals are back in jail for violating their parole and/or committing new crimes.

Still, Cuomo expressed satisfaction with his action, saying that “the pardons are working as intended. The recidivism rate is too slow to make much of a dent in the Democratic votes that will be cast in November. I doubt that Republicans can find enough votes to offset the 20,000 that our Party will gain.”

Court Nominee Would Deny Children the Right to Be Aborted

Jennifer Allen, CEO of Planned Parenthood Votes Northwest and Hawaii, urged supporters to go all out to oppose the confirmation of Bret Kavanaugh to the US Supreme Court, pointing out that “if Kavanaugh’s vote is the one needed to overturn Roe v. Wade future generations of children will be denied their right to be aborted by their mothers. The amount of suffering that such an outcome would inflict on these children is a cruelty that must be averted.”

Maduro Admits Economy Has Failed

As food and medicine shortages and public service paralysis have wracked Venezuela, President Nicolas Maduro admitted his economic model has failed. The “model” has entailed nationalization of major industrial sectors, the expropriation of hundreds of businesses, and widespread price controls.

The President called upon “my socialist comrades to join with me in devising more effective directives to get the economy moving again. Our country is not the first to face these kinds of problems. When the Soviet Union was trying to build socialism wreckers and saboteurs undermined the plans laid out by the Politburo. It took the strength of Stalin to order the harsh measures required. Many died, but a backward nation was built into a world power through these sacrifices. We need to learn from this model and make the hard choices necessary.”

In related news, Maduro announced he was “seconding” former President Obama’s endorsement of 81 Democrats in primaries preceding the November elections. “I don’t know much about these candidates, but I do know that President Obama has solid progressive values,” he said. “Anyone he likes is good enough for me.”

No Christians Among UK’s Syrian Refugees

Of the more than 1,000 refugees admitted into the United Kingdom from war-torn Syria during the first quarter of 2018 none were Christians. Home Secretary Sajid Javid explained that “for us to admit Christians would merely exacerbate the already existing religious imbalance between the two countries. We already have a surplus of Christians in the UK and a comparative shortage of Muslims. The opposite is the case in Syria.”

Javid acknowledged that “the discrimination, oppression, and murder of Christians in Muslim-run countries is unfortunate. However, we feel we must take a longer range perspective. That perspective is founded on the premise that if we can achieve a greater religious and ethnic balance among all the nations of the world the motive for discrimination, oppression, war, and atrocities will diminish.”

Wage Gains Threaten Democracy

News that American workers pay and benefits are now rising at a faster pace than any time during the Obama years has sparked fear in the Democratic Party. The proclaimed “future” of the Party Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, recent winner of the Democratic congressional primary in Brooklyn, New York, sees this development as “a direct threat to our democracy. The GOP scheme to boost the working class into the ranks of higher income is intended to undermine their support for the Democratic Party.”

“A key to bringing the benefits of socialism to America is the class solidarity among the workers,” Ocasio-Cortez said. “The tax cuts and deregulation foisted on the economy by Trump and the Republicans is meant to break the bonds of solidarity by encouraging workers to pursue the capitalistic goal of self-enrichment through hard work rather than the socialist strategy of seeking a fairer distribution of wealth through political action. We need workers to support socialism with their votes and must take whatever actions are necessary to thwart the effort to convert workers into greedy, money-grubbing capitalists.”

Meanwhile, the Trump plan to convert workers into capitalists is now exploring the idea of indexing capital gains for inflation. Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin observed that “as it currently stands, the tax code penalizes individuals who invest in a home or a retirement account by handing them a tax bill for the impact inflation has on their investments. Phantom gains result in higher tax liability that depletes retirement income and confiscates a portion of the equity of their homes if they sell in order to move to a smaller dwelling.” The New York Times lambasted the Secretary’s remarks as “based on the faulty premise that individuals have a stronger claim on the assets they’ve accumulated than the government does.”

Dems Buy Websites Smearing GOP Senators

At first, the appearance of 27 new web domains with the names of incumbent Republican senators followed by “forsale” was feared to represent more Russian meddling with an upcoming election. Sen. Angus King, (I-Maine) called this “a malicious use of the Internet that is particularly concerning.”

Later, it was discovered that the Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee (DSCC) had set up these accounts. Lauren Passalacqua, communications director at the DSCC, characterized the smear as “a routine campaign practice.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Senator Depressed Over Second Quarter GDP Numbers

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

 The announcement that the U.S. economy grew by 4.1 percent for the recently completed quarter sent Sen. Cory Booker (D-NJ) into a fit of nearly suicidal depression. “If this keeps up it will reverse all the progress achieved by President Obama,” the senator lamented.

During the eight years that Barack Obama was president the GDP averaged an annual growth rate of less than 2 percent and never once reached 3 percent for any of those years—the first time that this has happened during any previous administration since the statistic has been tracked.

Booker attributed the disparate economic growth patterns to “racism and sexism, pure and simple. The same white bigots who refused to invest when a black man was president have come forward to reward the white man who conspired with the Russians to cheat a woman out of her turn to be the nation’s ruler.”

The possibility that differing economic policies could have played a role in the differing outcomes was rejected by the Senator. “A person has to be optimistic about the future in order to invest in businesses that grow the economy,” Booker asserted. “President Obama was a man that everyone I know was supremely optimistic about. The same can’t be said about Trump. Everyone I know hates him and his policies.”

“I think the problem is that the wrong people are being allowed to make investment decisions,” Booker opined. “Trump has undone a lot of the regulations that gave the government the final say on how society’s limited resources were to be used. If we were to examine the details behind the 4.1 percent growth rate we’d find that the wrong products are being produced. So even though unemployment is at historic lows the jobs aren’t contributing to socially desirable outputs. This is not the direction our country should be going.”

The Democrat expressed his confidence that “the upcoming elections will show that voters reject the false prosperity engendered by the Trump Administration. When Democrats regain the majority in Congress we will put a stop to it. We will repeal the tax cuts, reimpose the regulations, and impeach the usurper who tried to impede the fundamental transformation President Obama promised would be his legacy.”

Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass)–a projected rival of Booker’s for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination—said she felt sympathy for his depression, but called his approach to getting the country back on track “timid. We can and need to do more than just undo what Trump has done. There was a time in this country when tax rates exceeded 90% of a person’s income. So, I think there’s a lot more upside to explore on the tax issue. Why should a person who earns a billion dollars be allowed to keep $100 million of it when there are so many poor people who need that money? Even a 99 percent tax rate would still leave that rich person with $10 million, which is far more than he needs to live on. Ultimately, I think we need to move toward a system where the government controls all the money and distributes it based solely on need.”

Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand (D-NY)–yet another potential 2020 Democratic presidential contender—commended “the forward thinking of my colleagues, but the most crucial issue for our Party is the abolition of ICE. Only the total elimination of all barriers to immigration will ensure the future electoral success for Democrats across the nation.”

Clapper Says Security Clearance Essential

While it is a normal business practice for former employees to turn in their keys and lose access to their employers’ confidential communications, former Director of National Intelligence James Clapper says the Trump Administration removing his security clearance would be “a low blow.”

“I was hired by CNN with the expectation that my continued access to the government’s classified information would make my commentary more interesting and credible,” Clapper pointed out. “Stripping my clearance from me is a direct attack on my ability to fully monetize my expertise. It will deter my contacts who are current DNI employees from leaking classified information to me because it is a felony to convey classified information to a person not authorized to receive it. Loss of these leaks would put me in the same disadvantageous position as any other private citizen when it comes to knowing what’s really going on inside the government and would violate the terms of my contract with CNN.”

The Trump Administration would not be the first to cancel former employees’ security clearances. Reviewing whether someone no longer employed by the government ought to retain access to classified information is fairly routine. Former President Obama canceled the security clearances of a number of former Bush Administration employees.

Clapper’s objection is that his prospective loss of his security clearance is “not routine. The fact that I have been attacking Trump on a regular basis makes it look like it’s personal. I view it as my patriotic duty to attack him for his unfitness to serve as president. I am only continuing the effort of the intelligence community to prevent the nation from the harm he is causing to the country. Just because we weren’t able to prevent his election doesn’t relieve us of the obligation to continue the fight. Tying my hands by revoking my security clearance is an unfair tactic that would, by itself, further demonstrates his unfitness for office.”

NBC News reporter Ken Dilanian confirmed Clapper’s assessment of the financial impact that losing his security clearance will have on him saying “the only thread of credibility we have for interviews with these guys is the supposition that they have ‘real intelligence’ backing up what they say. If everyone knows they lost their clearance this thread will have been snipped. So, yeah, their gigs with the cable networks would be endangered if that happened.”

House Minority Whip Steny Hoyer (D-Md) agreed with Clapper’s complaint and characterized the canceling of security clearances as “something a totalitarian regime would do. The work of Clapper, Brennan, and the other former intelligence officials to take down the rogue Trump regime is in the vital interest of the American people. Access to classified materials is their key weapon in this fight. Disarming them in this way is same the kind of thing Hitler and Stalin did to make their enemies helpless to defend themselves.”

Massachusetts Passes NASTY Women Act

Alarmed that the confirmation of a Trump appointee to the US Supreme Court could eventually lead to the overturning of the 1973 Roe v. Wade decision legalizing unrestricted abortions, the Massachusetts Democratic legislature and Republican governor combined to enact the NASTY Women Act (Negating Archaic Statutes Targeting Young Women Act).

Gov. Charlie Baker called it “a great day for our state. By being proactive, Massachusetts will be prepared for the eventuality that the federal policy mandating that abortion is the default position in America will be eliminated. States that wait until Roe v. Wade is reversed could see a gap in which unwanted babies are not terminated because there is no state law in place to ensure that undesirable births don’t occur.”

Anne Fox of Massachusetts Citizens for Life called the legislation “a political stunt. Massachusetts is one of the 15 states which have abortion enshrined in their state Constitutions. Overturning Roe v. Wade will change nothing in this state.”

Rep. Jim Hawkins (D-Attleboro) begged to differ, “that is where Ms. Fox is wrong. We are going to raise a ton of money off of the ‘stunt’–money that will be used to elect more pro-choice Democrats across the state. Combined with Planned Parenthood’s catchy ‘freedom to f**k’ slogan I can see it fueling a ‘blue wave’ nationwide. Considering the havoc wrought on the planet by the excess human population, making sure that abortion remains the policy in as many places as possible is crucial if we hope to save the environment.”

Food Fascism Gains Ground in California

Two San Francisco city officials are pushing an ordinance that would ban businesses from providing in-house cafeterias for their employees. The measure’s co-sponsor, Supervisor Aaron Peskin, argues that “local employers like Airbnb and Twitter are wrongfully denying nearby restaurants the sales they would be entitled to expect if the cafeterias did not exist.”

“It’s really about equality,” Peskin insisted. “Just because you work for a generous employer shouldn’t mean you aren’t forced to go out for lunch like the rest of us.” Of course, the “equality” aspect is tarnished a bit by the measure’s “grandfather” clause authorizing those establishments that already have cafeterias to continue operating them. Competing business would be barred from establishing new cafeterias.

Peskin also has his eye on companies hiring private buses that enable their employees to commute in relative luxury. “The City has its own train and bus services funded by the taxpayers,” Peskin observed. “It is everyone civic duty to ride these. No one should be permitted to skirt this responsibility just because they have access to a more convenient and comfortable alternative.”

Meanwhile, the city of Santa Barbara has passed an ordinance that levies a punishment of up to six months in jail and/or a fine of up to $1,000 for each plastic straw a waiter gives to a restaurant customer. Santa Barbara’s Environmental Services Outreach Coordinator, Bryan Latchford emphasized the “up to” wording of the ordinance. “Enforcement will be on a case-by-case basis,” he explained. “There could be some leniency for first offenders. The harshest penalties would normally be meted out only to the worst violators—like those who have been previously warned or waiters who give customers straws without the customer requesting it. I mean, it’s still illegal even if the customer requests it, but the request might be a mitigating factor—especially if the customer is insistent or aggressive.”

Masked Fascists Attack Jewish Coffee Shop

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

A mob of masked criminals attacked the Asher Caffe & Lounge on 945 S. Boyle Ave. in the Boyle Heights neighborhood of Los Angeles—throwing feces and screaming at patrons and employees of the Jewish-owned business. The grievances of the attackers included a charge that the owner is a Trump supporter and that he is gentrifying the neighborhood against the wishes of its inhabitants.

The group of attackers calls itself “Defend Boyle Heights.” A masked spokesman who refused to give his name defended “our right to decide who can live and do business in our neighborhood. We don’t want Trump supporters here. We don’t want our neighborhood’s character to be polluted by the presence of undesirable outsiders.”

The spokesman justified the wearing of masks, saying that “we have the right to a ‘secret ballot’ without fear of intimidation by cops who enforce the will of the their fascist overlords,” and maintained that “terrorizing customers and throwing shit helps counterbalance the evil influence of those trying to suppress our democratic rights.”

In a show of solidarity, the Boyle Heights Chamber of Commerce expelled the coffee shop owner Asher Shalom from its membership rolls. Chamber president Jennifer Lahoda explained that “Mr. Shalom’s views are not in line with the values and objectives of the Boyle Heights Chamber of Commerce. Boyle Heights thrives because of our diverse immigrant population. The Chamber will always celebrate and support this fact. Mr. Shalom is not an immigrant. He is a white American citizen. This, in itself, offends the majority of those who live here. We cannot let a member of the neighborhood’s minority Jewish population impose its alien values against the wishes of the majority.”

Schumer Forbids Second Summit with Putin

US Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) said he won’t allow anymore meetings between President Trump and Russian President Putin “until I have seen a full transcript of their one-on-one private talks and am satisfied that Trump has not committed treason.”

Even if Schumer’s demand were not an egregious overstepping of his limited authority as Senate Minority Leader, its fulfillment is impeded by the fact that the one-on-one talk was not recorded. Nevertheless, Schumer was adamant that “the American people have a right to know what was said. His public statement expressing doubts about our own intelligence community’s accuracy regarding Russian interference in the 2016 election displayed a breathtaking disloyalty to the brave men and women who are working diligently to save the country from the disastrous outcome of the 2016 election.”

Undaunted by Schumer’s demand, Trump has asked national security adviser John Bolton to work on setting up a second summit with Putin in Washington, DC for this Fall. “I look forward to our second meeting so that we can start implementing some of the many things discussed, including stopping terrorism, security for Israel, and nuclear nonproliferation,” Trump said.

“The list of items to be discussed and the timing of this planned summit are highly suspicious,” the Schumer claimed. “At best, it would only serve to divert voters attention from the very serious allegations against Trump that have not yet been refuted. One the one hand, we have FBI agent Peter Strzok’s text alleging that Trump is an idiot. Should we permit an idiot to deal with such volatile issues like terrorism and nuclear nonproliferation? On the other hand, many in Congress have leveled charges of treason against Trump. Should we permit a person charged with treason to deal with these issues? I think Trump should stand down from all presidential duties until these allegations have been conclusively disproved.”

Schumer’s perspective was shared by former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton who called “Trump’s willingness to consider allowing Putin to ask questions of former ambassador to Russia Michael McFaul is troubling. For a president to not defend a US envoy is a clear case of gross negligence and dereliction of duty.”

Putin wants to ask McFaul about a tax evasion and money laundering scheme that he alleges ended up diverting $400 million to the Clinton presidential campaign. Whether Trump’s failure to immediately reject Putin’s request is worse than President Obama’s and Secretary of State Clinton’s failure to attempt a rescue of America’s Libyan Ambassador Christopher Stevens from the terrorists who ultimately murdered him seems dubious, at best.

As irrational as some of these leading Democratic politicians’ hysteria over the summit may be, others went even further into loony land. CNN host Chris Cuomo characterized the Russian election meddling as “an act of war” and wondered “why aren’t we talking about a retaliatory strike? I mean, if Bush could take us to war in Iraq in pursuit of non-existent weapons of mass destruction, why isn’t anyone in Congress or the Administration working on a ‘shock-and-awe’ plan to teach Putin and his goons a stern lesson?” HuffPo’s Mike Signorile, MarketWatch’s Rex Nutting, Sen. Richard Blumenthal (D-CT), DNC chairman Tom Perez, and Hollywood actor-director Rob Reiner expressed similar sentiments, while Rep. Steve Cohen (D-TN) and CNN analyst Philip Mudd called for a military coup to overthrow President Trump.

Rising Star Dem Predicts Demise of Capitalism

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, upset winner over ten-term Democratic incumbent Joe Crowley in New York’s 14th congressional district, touted her progressive democratic-socialism as “the wave of the future. Capitalism is a fleeting phenomenon. Its fundamentally unfair distribution of wealth will be replaced by a democratic reallocation in the not too distant future.”

“The notion that individuals should be free to exploit their abilities and efforts for personal enrichment without being required to share the benefits with those less able or willing to work as hard is socially unjust,” she argued. “Marx recognized this. That’s why he designed a system calling for a collective aggregation of wealth that would be distributed on the basis of need. The one glitch in his system is that it calls for a dictatorship of the proletariat to decide who will do what work and who will be allocated what compensation. My idea is to replace the dictatorship with a democratic process where the votes of the majority will make these decisions.”

“Under democratic-socialism voters will decide who can open a business, who it will employ, and how its profits will be distributed,” the congressional candidate explained. “That’s why it’s important to erase international borders. There are desperately poor people all over the world. Until we have a world government that can transfer wealth from rich places like the United States to poor places like Latin America we have to allow those who can get here on there own to enter the country without restrictions or harassment by ICE. The upside of open borders is that it will accelerate the transformation to socialism as more immigrants will add their votes to cause of collectivism.”

Dems Propose “Catch-and-Release” Law

Senate Democrats Kamala Harris (Calif), Jeff Merkley (Oregon), and Catherine Cortez Mastohave (Nevada) have introduced a bill that would mandate a nation-wide “catch-and-release” policy for illegal immigrants. Under the bill’s provisions ICE would be required to release all members of families who enter the country illegally on their “own recognizance.” That is, they would be allowed to go free and asked to return for their later court hearing on whether they would be permitted to stay. This policy was the core approach used by the Obama Administration. However, only a tiny percentage of the “catch-and-release” immigrants have ever appeared for their court dates.

“The artificial demarcation known as international borders is a crime against humanity,” Harris contended. “Since the very beginnings of the human race people have been free to migrate in search of a better life. Attempts to impede this right for humans puts them below the status of birds, butterflies, and herds of ungulates who are allowed to cross borders without interference. Our bill merely gives people the same rights that these animals possess.”

Harris brushed aside the observation that none of the Earth’s migrating animals become welfare clients at either end of their travels, calling it “absurd. Wild animals can live off the land. But humans aren’t wild animals. They are social creatures who quite naturally seek social welfare among their own kind. Immigration restrictions that interfere with human migration fail to accommodate human nature. The complaint from those who say they don’t want to take up the burden of supporting those who need support is anti-social. It is their obligation to the collective. The Democratic Party is determined to see that everyone fulfills this obligation.”

High-Tax States Sue Over Trump Tax Cut

New York, Connecticut, Maryland, and New Jersey are suing the federal government claiming that “the tax cut legislation unconstitutionally punishes states who choose to impose high tax rates. By limiting the amount of state and local taxes that can be deducted from income that is taxed at the federal level the legislation impedes our ability to shift some of the tax burden onto other states as has been the custom since federal income tax was implemented in 1916.”

While there is nothing in the original Constitution or in any of the Amendments suggesting that federal taxes must allow deductions for state levies, New York Attorney General Barbara Underwood insisted that “the emanations from the penumbras of the Constitution clear imply that a state’s right to tax its inhabitants cannot be abridged by any federal legislation. The State of New York’s ability to extract the maximum from the incomes of those who reside in the state must remain unconstrained by any external force. The $10,000 per taxpayer per year limit enacted in the Tax Cuts and Jobs Act of 2017 is an unconstitutional constraint.”

“The advocates of this new tax law contend that the limit was included in order to protect the bottom 95%–i.e., lower and middle income families—and that only the wealthiest would end up paying more in federal income levies,” Underwood observed. “This evades the basic issue. Wealthy New Yorkers are the State’s to exploit. If they cannot deduct all of our taxes from their federal liability they may move to lower tax states, or worse, may vote for assemblymen, senators, or governors who will support lower state taxes. Such a political impact represents an unwarranted and unconstitutional interference in the internal affairs of our state.”