Proposal to Ship Illegals to Sanctuary Cities Assailed

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

A Trump Administration proposal to send illegal immigrants to sanctuary cities spurred cries of dismay from Democrats. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (Calif) called the idea “cruel and inhumane. Sanctuary cities are already struggling with the difficulties and expense of dealing with the newcomers who have come on their own. Living conditions are degraded, as anyone who has visited San Francisco recently may have discovered. It isn’t fair for the federal government to send us more of these people.”

On the other hand, President Trump argues that “my proposal would more expeditiously get the illegal immigrants to places that vow to protect them from deportation. I would have thought that this idea should be received more positively by the Democrats who oppose taking any actions to reduce the flow of illegal immigration into our country.”

“The whole point of open borders is to bring in the voters who will help transform America into the kind of nation former President Obama envisioned,” Pelosi argued. “For this to be most effective, the immigrants need to be sent to states and congressional districts currently voting for Republicans. That’s the way President Obama handled the catch-and-release program. Trump has no right to change that policy.”

The Speaker expressed confidence that “the courts will block this latest attempt to overthrow the policies of President Obama. On so many policy issues the courts have been ruling that it is illegal for Trump to reverse the policies implemented by the previous administration. The courts have correctly placed the pursuit of good policy ahead of ritualistic adherence to the letter of the law.”

In related news, Pelosi denounced former Obama Administration Secretary of Homeland Security Jeh Johnson for agreeing with Trump’s assessment that there is a crisis on the border. “Where is this man’s sense of honor and loyalty?” she asked. “President Obama made him a member of his cabinet. Now he is stabbing his benefactor in the back by siding with the enemy of everything that is good and pure in this country.”

Clinton Relishes Assange Arrest

Wikileaks founder Julian Assange was arrested by UK police and is expected to be turned over to US authorities in the near future. Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton professed herself “pleased that this international villain will finally get what he deserves for saddling the world with Donald Trump as the US president. His role in invading my privacy and publishing emails that I went to great efforts to conceal sabotaged my assured election as the 45th president of the United States.”

Clinton predicted that Assange’s claim that “the ruled have a right to know what their governments are doing will be struck down in court. Governments act in secret for a good reason. Questioning those reasons—even to the point of inquiring what those reasons are—imperils the odds of success. The safety and security of the masses depends upon the freedom of the government to covertly neutralize threats. People like Assange and Snowden are a clear and present danger that must be interdicted by any means possible. That’s why I urged President Obama to take Assange out with a drone strike on the Ecuadoran Embassy in London.”

In related news, Judicial Watch released 422 pages of FBI emails it received via a Freedom of Information Act request. These emails included discussion of an FBI-run cover-up of Clinton’s illegal handling of classified information. The emails included phrases like “it’s all part of the Hillary cover-up operation,” “Hillary cover up operation work ticket,” and “we’re in deep shit.”

“Spying” Comment Sparks Outrage

During his recent testimony at the Senate Appropriations Committee Attorney General William Barr acknowledged that federal government “spying did occur” on the Trump campaign, that “government spying on political opponents is a big deal,” and “I need to explore that.” Democrats were outraged.

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) called Barr’s statement “a conspiracy theory” and demanded that he “retract his statement immediately. This is so far wide of the narrative that everyone in the Democratic Party and the media has accepted for the last three years that it cannot be allowed to stand unchallenged.”

Fantasy Vietnam vet, Sen. Richard Blumenthal (D-Conn) called Barr’s statement “unfounded and irresponsible” and demanded it be retracted. “Saying something that everyone knows is false manifests a mental illness that should disqualify Barr from serving in any capacity. Honesty is an essential requirement for public officials.”

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) echoed Blumenthal’s take and averred that “Barr has gone off the rails. First of all, covert surveillance of innocent Americans is not spying. Second, this surveillance was authorized by the FISA Court. It is only unauthorized surveillance by private parties that constitutes spying. As long as it is the government that’s doing it it’s perfectly legal.”

Former FBI Director James Comey claims to be “mystified by Barr’s choice of words. Those of us in the intelligence community never refer to what we do as ‘spying.’ We use terms like ‘investigation’ or ‘counter-intelligence operation.’ These less pejorative words convey a more respectable public image. I am not surprised that an outsider like Trump would be ignorant enough to use the word ‘spying,’ but we all thought that a man with the kind of pedigree that Barr has would have know better.”

Meanwhile, the Oxford Dictionary defines “spying on” as “to observe furtively” or “keep under surveillance.” Either of these pretty much describes what the FBI did during the Trump campaign and during the Trump Administration. The FBI also deployed covert agents to try to infiltrate the Trump camp and plant false evidence. So it’s easy to see how the former FBI Director might be confused about Barr’s statement.

Sanders Explains “Medicare for All” Plan

Democratic presidential contender Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-Vt) hopes his “Medicare for All” plan will win him votes. Currently, Medicare covers only those age 65 and older. Many like it because its strict price controls keep their out-of-pocket costs low. Health care providers make up the losses incurred serving Medicare beneficiaries by charging other patients more. If all are covered by Medicare this offset would no longer be available.

Sanders explained that his plan explicitly outlaws private health insurance “because no one should have the option of seeking more or less coverage than the government decides they need. The notion that individuals should be free to choose what they want to purchase elevates crass individualism above collective solidarity. Experts in health care working for the government have the data and the incentive to choose what’s best for the collective whole. We cannot allow any individual to selfishly opt out.”

In contrast to Canada’s socialized health care, Sanders’ version would seek to interdict travel outside the country for medical care. “True socialized medicine requires that all must receive the care the government has allocated for them,” the Senator emphasized. “If individuals are permitted to purchase health care in other countries those rich enough to afford it will get better care than those too poor to have this option. That’s why my plan mandates that anyone seeking to travel outside our borders will have to first get a government permission slip and attest that the trip is not for the purpose of receiving medical care.”

“If it turns out later that the traveler lied and did, in fact, get medical treatment abroad he or she will be punished on his or her return for false statements on the application for permission to travel,” Sanders said. “So, you see, my plan closes the loopholes that so many other socialized medicine plans have left open.”

The only people that would be exempt from Sanders’ mandatory Medicare for All “would be persons of such overriding importance that the fate of the nation would be endangered should they fall ill,” Sanders allowed. “This would naturally include high-ranking members of the government like the president and vice-president, cabinet officials, and members of congress. These irreplaceable leaders must be saved if at all possible no matter what the cost in terms of dollars.”

Dems’ Bill Pushes Transgender Rights

An amendment (HR 5, the Equality Act) to the Civil Rights Act of 1964 sponsored by 234 Democrats and two Republicans in the House of Representatives would compel schools to allow boys who claim to be girls to participate in girls’ gym classes, play on girls’ interscholastic athletic teams, and use the same locker rooms and showers. Religious schools would not be exempted from this new regulation. It would also require that biologically male criminals who claim to be women to be sent to women’s prisons.

Rep. David Cicilline (D-RI) hailed the legislation as “the logical next step in our quest to make our laws match the social evolution taking place in society. It is up to each individual to determine his or her own identity. Our bill protects their freedom to make this determination and bars anyone from attempting to impede the exercise of this emerging civil right.”

A merely repugnant aspect of this social evolution is the increasing incidence of biological males easily beating biological females in scholastic sports. A more dangerous aspect arises when men are sent to women’s prisons. Women’s Liberation Front spokeswoman Julia Beck warned that “male rapists will go to women’s prisons.”

Cicilline brushed off this concern saying that “many men are raped by men in men’s prisons. Our bill will help level the playing field and spread the pain over a wider array of the prison population and, I think achieve a greater degree of equality among the incarcerated segment of our nation’s population.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Islamic Activist Defends Attacks on Jews

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Women’s March leader Linda Sarsour rallied to the defense of Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-Minn), who has been criticized for mouthing stereotypical tropes about the evil influence of Jewish money in politics.

“Unlike the Nazi’s whose anti-Jewish policies were based on racism, Rep. Omar’s views are firmly founded on Islam’s holy book—the Quran,” Sarsour said. “Long before the deranged Hitler voiced his confused objections to the historic depredations wreaked by Jews, the Prophet Muhammad—peace be upon him—warned the world about them.”

“The charge that Rep. Omar is anti-Semitic is absurd,” Sarsour went on. “Semites are an ethnic group that includes both Arabs and Jews. The Prophet’s warnings were concerned with Jews who opposed the spread of Allah’s one true religion. These are the Jews who are to be fought and killed. Jews who submit, pay the jizya and accept their dhimmi status are to be spared.”

“So, as we can see once we examine the facts, Rep. Omar is not the raving anti-Semite that Jewish apologists would have us believe,” Sarsour observed. “She is quite sensibly following the advice of the Prophet to distinguish between the benign Jews who seek Islam’s protection and the evil Jews who resist the word of Allah. It is these latter Jews who Rep. Omar quite wisely urged must be stripped of their power to impede the success of Islam in its quest for world dominion.”

Dem 2020 Hopefuls Tangle

South Bend, Indiana Mayor Pete Buttigieg issued an abject apology for saying “all lives matter” back in 2015. “I was young and naive then,” the Mayor said. “I have since learned that the correct position is that only black lives matter. As a counterpoint, I want to remind voters that I am the only openly gay man in the race for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination. So, I, too, am a member of a protected class that has a long history of oppression in this country. I ask that voters take this into consideration when they evaluate which Democrat should be the next president of the United States.”

Wayne Messam, mayor of Miramar, Fla. and fellow contender for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination took issue with what he called “my opponent’s efforts to escape blame for his insensitivity. We black people suffered hundreds of years of slavery and second-class citizenship. Mayor Pete and other gay individuals easily avoided similar oppression by keeping their sexual orientation secret. They’ve only come out into the open now that sexual deviancy is widely accepted and encouraged.”

Perhaps feeling pressed by Mayor Pete’s $7 million campaign chest, former Texas Rep. Beto O’Rourke quickly announced that “I will sign legislation authorizing a committee to study racial reparations for descendants of slaves.”

O’Rourke’s pledge was lampooned as “wimpy” by rival contender Sen. Kamala Harris (Calif). “I will order reparations by executive decree,” she vowed. “We don’t want the kind of delays that could arise from a commission study or congressional inaction. And we don’t need the complication of johnny-come-lately pseudo victims like Buttigieg or Warren.”

For her part, Sen. Elizabeth Warren (Mass) blasted what she termed “inadequate half-measures for repairing the historic wrongs perpetrated by the white man. When I become president all of the land within the United States will be ceded back to its original Native American inhabitants. All other races will either pay rent or be deported back to their ancestors’ country of origin in either Europe or Africa.”

In related news, 2024 Democratic presidential hopeful Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (NY) admitted that she was “pleasantly surprised by Sen. Warren’s proposal, but it doesn’t go far enough. Sending all the human inhabitants of the western hemisphere back would be the biggest thing we could do to avert the destruction of the planet due to global warning. Humans didn’t originate here. Allowing the non-human biosphere to return to its natural state before it was polluted by humans would be a world-saving event.”

Unemployment Low “Concerning,” Says Pelosi

This past week, filings for unemployment benefits fell to a level not seen since December of 1969. While most reasonable individuals would consider this an encouraging development, House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) begged to differ.

“Unemployment benefits have always been a key weapon against economic recession,” she contended. “Putting money in the hands of those who have lost their jobs is the best stimulant for the economy in times of trouble. In this respect, I find the decline in filings to be extremely frightening.”

“The euphoria now being experienced by Trump and the Republicans overlooks the danger of relying on full employment to drive the economy forward,” Pelosi warned. “This approach requires the continued production of useful goods and services to sustain household incomes. In contrast, government subsidies like unemployment benefits do not require the production of anything of value. These payments can be made while plants remain idle—allowing a win-win scenario of increased leisure and sustained household income.”

White House economic adviser Larry Kudlow dismissed Pelosi’s “addled economic thinking. The wealth of nations consists of the real goods and services produced by the cooperative efforts of capital and labor. Unemployment benefits contribute nothing to this process. At best they can serve as a temporary mitigation for a limited number of out-of-work individuals. Even then, payment of these benefits is only possible if the necessary real wealth is created by actual production.”

States Assail Trump Admin’s “Edible Lunch” Policy

Six states and the District of Columbia are suing the Trump Administration for its reversal of the Obama-era rules on school lunches. New York Attorney General Letitia James mocked “the scientifically unsound argument that the rules imposed by the prior administration were a failure because so much of the food ended up tossed out by the students.”

“Whether the students eat the food is not the government’s responsibility,” James asserted. “This is still a free country. We can lead each student to a nutritionally balanced meal, but we can’t make him eat it. Even if the food is rejected and thrown away it’s a better outcome than giving in to student preferences. For one, the biggest problem for today’s youth is obesity. If the unpalatable food isn’t eaten we are stilling striking a blow against obesity.”

A second aspect cited in the lawsuit was “the contrasting roll-models represented by First Lady Michelle Obama and President Trump. The nutritionally sound guidelines developed by the First Lady should be compared with the unhealthy eating habits demonstrated by President Trump. His love of fast food and the fast food feast he offered to the college football champions are the path to future health problems.”

Secretary of Agriculture Sonny Perdue defended the Administration’s looser guidelines, saying that “the sort of top-down, one-size-fits-all approach imposed by the Obama Administration is not the American way. The impact of trying to force feed students and watching them reject this kind of regimentation is too negative. Local school authorities can make better judgments than ivory tower bureaucrats. Consider that one of the key objections in this lawsuit is that some local schools have been allowing students to choose 2% chocolate milk instead of the Obama Administration dictate that chocolate would only be allowed for fat-free milk. They are making a mountain out of a molehill.”

Chicago Demands $130,000 from Smollett

In the wake of State Attorney Kim Foxx’s decision to drop all charges against Jussie Smollett and expunge his record, Chicago city officials have threatened to file a civil lawsuit demanding that he reimburse the city for the $130,000 in expenses incurred investigating his hate crime hoax. Smollett’s attorney Mark Geragos called the demand for money “extortion.”

“Since the charges have been dismissed and the record expunged it’s as if the alleged hoax never happened,” Geragos said. “Under the law, Jussie is now as innocent as a baby. The City’s demand that he pay them is extortion and defamation of his character. If anyone needs to make restitution it is the City. The police’s failure to protect Jussie from the thugs who attacked him was a dereliction of duty. They should be paying him for the mental suffering he has had to endure on the inadequately patrolled and unsafe streets of the high-crime community that the police have allowed to run rampant.”

Geragos also hinted that “the City may have a lot more to fear from pursuing this extortion plot than my client does. I advise them to rethink whether they want to testify under oath regarding the performance of the police department. It is they who diverted resources away from efforts to deter and investigate the multiple murders that occurred while they were wasting time harassing an innocent man. Are they sure they want increased scrutiny focused on such a foolish and possibly corrupt decision?”

“Mr. Smollett is not some inconsequential average Joe,” Geragos reminded. “He is a celebrity and has powerful friends who have already intervened on his behalf and won’t hesitate to come to his aid should the City forego its opportunity to back off before anyone gets hurt.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.


Smollett Exonerated by State Attorney

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Hoaxer Jussie Smollett announced his exoneration after Kim Foxx, state attorney for Cook County, Illinois dismissed all charges against him. “The racist persecution of me by the Chicago Police Department has been debunked by higher authorities,” Smollett bragged. “This proves I told the truth.” He further went on to demand prosecution of “the Nigerian thugs who doused me with bleach and threatened to hang me.”

The Illinois Prosecutors Bar Association questioned Foxx’s “highly abnormal decision. Her phony recusal followed by a unilateral decree of exoneration without notice to the law enforcement entities who filed the charges violated the law. The claim that her action falls within the scope of a prosecutor’s discretion is dubious. The norm for declining to prosecute a case with such overwhelming evidence of guilt includes a defendant’s admission of responsibility. But as we have seen, Mr. Smollett continues to promulgate the same untruthful assertions that led to the hoax charges leveled against him.”

Foxx rebutted the Bar Association’s criticism by citing former FBI Director James Comey’s exoneration of Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton in July of 2016. “After listing a number of valid reasons why Sec. Clinton ought to have faced charges, Director Comey dismissed them,” Foxx pointed out. “Clinton was not required to admit guilt as a condition for Comey’s grant of amnesty. If a member of this country’s ruling class doesn’t have to follow the law it would be unfair to hold Mr. Smollett to these standards. As a gay black man he is a member of two protected classes.”

“I want to also express my appreciation to my good friend Tina Tchen for apprising me of the new precedent established by Director Comey’s action,” Foxx added. “There must be a level playing field if true justice is to be achieved. Mr. Smollett’s heritage of suffering in our racist and homophobic society is sufficient punishment for his ill-conceived efforts to highlight the toxic influence of Donald Trump.”

Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel seconded Foxx’s rationale. “Initially, I was shocked that her action was taken without informing either the Chicago Police Department or my office,” the Mayor said. “However, upon reflection I came to the understanding that if anyone is to blame it is President Trump. Trump’s unrelenting efforts to entice blacks off of welfare and into the workforce have stoked the kind of feelings of despair that inspire people like Mr. Smollett to concoct a narrative to try to counter this culture shock. In the grand scheme of things Smollett’s hoax was not out of step with the much bigger Russian collusion hoax that is still underway at the highest level of government, politics, and media. The small fish shouldn’t be treated more harshly than those big fish.”

In related news, Smollett has been nominated for an NAACP Image Award “for his creative reenactment of a vision of oppression that never happened to him, but might have in an alternate universe. This ‘street drama’ touched many hearts and minds and was so powerful that he was absolved of culpability for 16 felonies. Few other black individuals have accomplished so much at so little cost to themselves.”

Mexico Demands Apology for Spanish Conquest

President Andres Manuel Lopez Obrador demanded that the nation of Spain and the Catholic Church apologize for their invasion and conquest of the Aztec Empire 500 years ago. “They brought alien ideas, diseases, and brute force from Europe and destroyed a vibrant indigenous culture.”

The Spanish government refused to apologize. King Felipe VI, challenged the Mexican President’s characterization of “these ancient events as one-sided ‘massacres and oppression.’ The Aztec Empire held power by massacring and oppressing subjugated indigenous people. These victims were tortured and coerced into becoming human sacrifices to their oppressors’ bloodthirsty gods. While the invading Spaniards were no angels, the Aztecs were worse. That’s why so many of the other peoples in Mexico sided with the invaders.

The Mexican President was outraged by Spain’s response. “The assertion that white Christian values were superior to those of the indigenous rulers is the height of arrogance,” Lopez contended. “As we are observing, the idea of human sacrifice is now being championed by the Democratic Party in the culturally advanced United States. That this concept was suppressed for 500 years must bear a significant share of the blame for the current worldwide climate change crisis.”

Court Rules Against Health Care Choice

U.S. District Judge John Bates ruled against a Trump Administration policy that permits small businesses to join health care associations in order to gain some of the same economies of scale available to larger corporations.

“The premise of this policy that these businesses ought to be able to decide what kind of coverage they want to purchase violates the Obamacare requirement that all must purchase the coverage dictated by the federal government,” Bates said. “Complaints that the mandated coverage is unnecessary and too expensive are irrelevant. It is not for private sector firms or individuals to decide what they want to buy. The Affordable Care Act (ACA) reserves this decision to the government.”

New York Attorney General Letitia James, one of the litigants suing to have these associations outlawed, praised the court’s ruling. “The Trump Administration’s attempt to place individual freedom ahead of the collective responsibility to follow the rules laid down for them by the ACA is intolerable,” she argued. “Letting individuals make decisions on their own health care invites the kind of anarchy we observe throughout the economy in decisions about what to eat, wear, how to spend time, where to live, and where to travel. If we are to avoid the devastation of such anarchy we must ensure that government determines these decisions.”

Russian Hoax Conspirators Blame Others

Former Director of National Intelligence James Clapper unveiled a “just following orders” defense for anticipated charges of engaging in a high-level conspiracy to derail Trump’s election and undermine his presidency.

“I and the others in the intelligence community who worked so hard to achieve these results were acting out of patriotism and loyalty to President Obama,” Clapper claimed. “While everyone involved agreed that Donald Trump was unfit to be president none of us would have gone forward with these efforts without clearance from President Obama. He was our commander-in-chief.”

“We are not traitors,” Clapper insisted. “President Obama was kept fully informed throughout the whole process, both before the 2016 election and after. It was a sanctioned, not a rogue, operation.”

Co-conspirator former CIA Director John Brennan took a different tack, alleging that “I was given bad information. It looks like the insiders I trusted repeatedly lied to me. I pooh-poohed Trump’s suggestion that Putin was more trustworthy than US intelligence agents, but given the revelation that most of what they leaked to me was false I now realize he may have been correct.”

Co-conspirator former FBI Director James Comey blamed Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller “for not carrying through the agreed upon plan. We engineered his appointment in the expectation that he could be counted on the finish the job. For a couple of years that looked to be going well, but at the last minute he lost his nerve and used a ‘lack of evidence’ excuse to sabotage the entire scheme. Thankfully, the media and the Democratic Party have not been scared off. I am optimistic that their continued efforts over the next 20 months will result in the ouster of Trump by the voters in November 2020.”

Pelosi Calls Trump Threat to Close Border “Vote Suppression”

President Trump’s threat to close the border with Mexico to stem the tide of illegal immigration was slammed by House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) as “vote suppression, pure and simple.” She cited a study “Immigration Status, Immigrant Family Ties, and Support for the Democratic Party,” by researcher George Hawley in support of her contention.

“This study shows that immigrants overwhelmingly vote for Democrats,” Pelosi pointed out. “Trump’s efforts to block the arrival of new voters from Latin America is, therefore, discriminatory and unconstitutional.”

Hawley’s report projected that “unconstrained immigration—legal or illegal—will within a short period of time lead to a new Democratic political dominance across the nation. The type of one-Party domination that we see in cities like Chicago and New York and states like California and Massachusetts will become commonplace. The Republican Party will sink to ‘super-minority’ status with an inability to effectively oppose anything that the Democratic Party wishes to do.”

Meanwhile, the border wall in Hungary has reduced illegal immigration into that country by 99%–suggesting that Pelosi’s objections that Trump’s wall would be ineffective are disingenuous.

Dem Leader Pleads for Understanding

Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) pleaded with the American Israel Public Affairs Committee to overlook anti-Semitic statements and the boycott of the organization’s annual conference by leading contenders for his Party’s presidential nomination and “stick with what has worked in the past.”

“The progressive values that the Democratic Party has championed cannot be implemented in policy if we don’t win elections,” Schumer pointed out. “Winning elections requires compromises to keep our coalition intact. Since anti-Semitism is growing in popularity around the world—largely in response to the dynamic expansion of Islamic values and views—it is imperative that the growing cohort of Muslims in this country know that the Democratic Party respects their religious beliefs so we can be sure of their votes.”

“Jews have been reliable Democrats for generations,” Schumer observed. “Our Party couldn’t have been as successful without them. Now that we are on the cusp of the social transformation to collectivism that President Obama promised, it would be tragic if thin-skinned objections to some of the raw language and rude behavior used by other members of our coalition were to diminish traditional the Jewish support for the Democratic Party.”

In related news, former Sen. Jeff Flake (R-Az) urged Republican voters to vote Democrat in the 2020 election, saying “it is better to let the lunatic left win than reelect the loathsome Donald Trump. The Democrats will try to regiment society with regulations, impoverish the economy with higher taxes, and import tens of millions of reliable Democrat voters from south of the border, but Trump will continue to offend delicate sensibilities with his brash rhetoric and boorish behavior.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Dems Want $100 Million to Deal With Street Defecation

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Reps. Barbara Lee (D-Calif) and Rosa DeLauro (D-Conn) are proposing a federal grant program that would provide $100 million per year to cities to fund diapers.

“As we have seen, many of our urban centers are struggling to deal with people defecating in the streets,” Rep. Lee said. “On the one hand, the accumulating piles of excrement pose a health hazard. On the other hand, cities want to respect people’s right to pursue happiness in their own way. Our proposed legislation bridges this gap by providing the funds to pay for the distribution of adult diapers in these feces bestrewn cities.”

Whether the targeted population can be persuaded to avail themselves of the free diapers was not explicitly addressed by Lee, however, she did express optimism that “their sense of human decency combined with the absence of any out-of-pocket expense for the needed supplies would prove adequate to make a significant dent in the problem.”

Democrat 2020 presidential contender former Texas Rep. Beto O’Rourke quickly endorsed the proposed measure and pointed out that “full diapers would offer some ripe opportunities for pranking friends and loved ones.”

French Troops Cleared to Fire on Protesters

Pushed to the limits of his tolerance by 19 straight weeks of street protests against high taxes and low wages, French President Emmanuel Macron has given permission for government troops to used deadly force “to quell this annoying resistance to modern life. The teargas, baton charges, and water cannons we have been using have proven insufficient. It’s time we raise the stakes for those who seek to discredit the government’s right to rule them as we sit fit.”

The one limit that Macron has imposed is “to refrain from shooting any of our Muslim residents lest we escalate the violence against a population that will not restrain itself from deadly retaliation. So far, the Muslims have been putting their energy into desecrating synagogues and churches or targeting a few Jews or Christians for assault, rape and murder. They have not been part of the ‘yellow vest’ mobs. Let’s keep it that way.”

Sweden wants to Import More Muslims

The Swedish Migration Board has decided to grant asylum to 11 million Chinese Islamic Uyghurs. Carl Bexelius, Deputy Legal Chief at the Migration Board, justified the decision by pointing out that “fertility rates in Sweden have fallen below replacement levels. Ethnic Swedes are refusing to bear children. Rather than let our country become vacant it is better to let it be filled with the more fecund Muslims. If all 11 million manage to come here our population would double in a very short period of time.”

Public Employment Service Director General Mikael Sjöberg argued that “our ability to provide social benefits for our aging population depends upon a growing base of workers who will pay the taxes needed to sustain these benefits. We are hoping that the influx of young Muslim immigrants will fulfill this objective.”

Unfortunately, recent experience with immigrants from Islamic regions of the world to Sweden are not encouraging. The Muslim immigrants living in Sweden have an unemployment rate of nearly 20%. This is five times higher than that of ethnic Swedes. Sweden has also has been transformed from a low crime nation to a high crime nation since it began wholesale importation of Muslims into the country. For example, the frequency of sex crimes committed against women has tripled since 2011. These trends do not support the hoped for outcomes articulated by Swedish government officials.

Comey Hopes Trump Won’t Be Impeached

In a New York Times op ed, James Comey, former FBI Director and key instigator of the deep-state conspiracy against Trump, says he hopes the President doesn’t get impeached. “The chance that an impeachment will lead to a conviction in the US Senate is not good,” he estimated. “The failure of such a gambit will be seen as a vindication of Trump and likely aid his reelection.”

“I think a better strategy would be to have another go at undermining him from within the government,” Comey suggested. “The assets are in place to carry this out and I believe we have learned enough from the mistakes we made in the 2016 effort to greatly boost the probability of success if we give it another try.”

According to Comey, a crucial error in the 2016 conspiracy to block Trump’s election “was our perception that we needed to feign impartiality. This led to my mistaken ‘reopening’ of the Clinton email case in October. With the polls all showing Clinton would win in a landslide, we felt it important to simulate an even-handedness in order to preserve the FBI’s credibility. But the last two years of non-stop vilification of Trump by a biased media has demonstrated that credibility for an image of fairness is not necessary. A constant repetition of concocted falsities is enough to convince a vast majority of voters.”

“We’ve also learned that stories alleging ‘pussy grabbing,’ ‘urinating prostitutes,’ and extramarital liaisons with assorted women are not powerful enough to turn voters away from Trump,” Comey added. “We’re going to have to allege real crimes—like a liaison that ended up with a woman drowning or the sexual exploitation of children at a Caribbean resort—if we are to take this man down in 2020.”

Democrat Presidential Hopefuls Proffer Reasons to Vote for Them

The growing roster of Democrats vying for the Party’s 2020 presidential nomination has led to a desperate search for winning issues. Among the ideas being market tested are Andrew Yang’s proposal to establish a “Legion of Builders and Destroyers” who will don capes and masks and embark on a quest to restore the foreskins of males who have been circumcised. “The mutilation has gone on for far too long,” he says.

Former Texas Rep. Beto O’Rourke has cited his balanced experience of being both a lawbreaker and a lawmaker as “a more well-rounded resume than anyone else in the race. Being arrested for burglary and DUI has given me insight that my rivals can’t match. I am primed to pioneer a new era of amnesty that will eliminate the scourge of incarceration for all except the worst offenders, most of whom are either Republicans or Trump associates, or both.”

Sen. Kamala Harris (Calif) challenged O’Rourke’s claim of a uniquely balanced perspective. “As a former attorney general I’ve convicted the innocent and exonerated the guilty,” she boasted. “I think this shows an ability to rise above the constraints of the law and evidence, if necessary, to achieve the kind of social justice others in my Party have merely given lip-service to. When I’m president no one will be beyond the reach of my authority to implement the complete transformation of the United States into the progressive state of President Obama’s dreams.”

John Hickenlooper, former governor of Colorado points out that “I am the only person in history who has taken his mother out on a date to see the classic porn movie ‘Deep Throat.’ Others may think they are visionaries, but none have dared to take such a step. My sexual bravery is without peer among those seeking the presidency. Even the notoriously promiscuous JFK never ventured anything similar to my escapade with my Mom. This is the sort of boldness that marks me as the leader America needs in these perilous times.”

Sen. Cory Booker (NJ) made an effort to remind voters that “the first item on my action agenda after I’m elected president will be to reverse Trump’s policy against transgenders serving in the military. By my way of thinking, anyone who has the courage to have his balls cut off in an attempt to become an ugly woman certainly has the courage to engage in hand-to-hand combat. And while I’m sure Trump isn’t aware of it, there have been entire armies of fierce eunuchs deployed by great Muslim emirs in previous eras. I don’t see why the US Army shouldn’t revive this weapon to demoralize our country’s foreign and domestic enemies.”

Dems Point Out Eerie Parallels Between Trump and Hitler

In a bid to bolster their contention that President Trump is the worst person to ever occupy the Oval Office, House of Representatives Democratic Whip James Clyburn (SC) listed what he termed “the frightening and eerie parallels between Adolf Hitler and Donald Trump. Both abstained from consuming alcohol. Both were elected with less than a majority of the popular vote. Both characterized their predecessors as ineffective and corrupt. Both came to power as outsiders without prior experience in government. Both achieved a strong economy and military. It could hardly be clearer that President Trump is the biggest threat to America and the world in my lifetime.”

Fellow historian and House Judiciary Chairman Jerry Nadler (NY) added “both criticized the international order. Both were for law and order. Both held xenophobic views. Hitler wanted Germany for Germans. Trump wants America for Americans. Both sent troops into foreign lands.”

“Further, Trump’s intention to block the entry of newcomers into the United States even though Congress opposes him is tyranny,” Nadler claimed. “In my opinion, impeachment is too mild of a remedy. If Hitler hadn’t committed suicide he would have been hanged. Our biggest problem is that Trump will never commit suicide. I pray that we have the same strength of character to take the drastic actions needed to save this country and the world that FDR did during the 1940s.”

Guv Endorses Bill Allowing Non-Doctors to Perform Abortions

Governor Janet Mills (D-Maine) is backing legislation that would allow non-doctors to perform late term abortions in her state. “The kind of slicing and dicing needed to dispose of an unwanted child doesn’t require the same kind of education and expertise needed to save a life,” Mills contends. “The law currently allows mohels, who are not doctors, to perform circumcisions. Why shouldn’t Satanists, who regard abortion as a sacred rite, be permitted to decapitate and dismember the unwanted unborn?”

The governor’s suggestion was greeted by cheering and applause from Democrats in the state legislature. It was also praised by Planned Parenthood’s spokesperson Adora Slaughter, who called it “a significant step toward reducing the cost of the procedure. Doctors are expensive. The skills required for performing an abortion could be mastered by a wider range of individuals after a much shorter course of training. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if your average professional meat cutter couldn’t do the job as well as the obgyns we have to employ under the current regulations.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Admitted Thief Throws Hat in Race for Dem Presidential Nomination

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

This week, Robert “Beto” O’Rourke, the Kennedyesque former Texas Democrat Representative and failed Senate candidate, changed course and declared he will run for his Party’s nomination in the 2020 presidential election. O’Rourke got his start on the path to politics in his teens as a member of the Cult of the Dead Cow (CDC) during the 1980s.

The CDC financed its activities by pirating software, pilfering long-distance phone service and credit card fraud. The CDC’s web site contained a warning saying: “This site may contain explicit descriptions of or advocate one or more of the following: adultery, murder, morbid violence, bad grammar, deviant sexual conduct in violent contexts, or the consumption of alcohol and illegal drugs.”

O’Rourke used the pilfered services to post what he called “imaginative fiction” using the pen name “Psychedelic Warlord.” One of his stories featured a driver who intentionally killed two children because “they were happy. This happiness was mine by right.”

The newest of the growing collection of Democrats running for president described his experiences with CDC as “a good foundation for my career in politics. Many of the issues we advocated for 30 years ago –adultery, violence, bad grammar, deviant sexuality and drug abuse—have become widely accepted mainstream behaviors.”

“Given my background and visionary brilliance, I am the world’s best chance to stave off the coming climate catastrophe that scientists unanimously agree will occur in 12 years,” O’Rourke bragged. “I am the only candidate bold enough to take the severe and painful measures called for in the Green New Deal. Some people will say that I am pirating an idea first articulated by Rep. Ocasio-Cortez. But let me point out that 30 years before she was born I was writing about cows and urging their extermination as a possible means of deterring their farts.”

At her weekly press conference, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) was asked to comment on any accomplishments that might recommend his election as president. She responded saying “well, he is a natural born citizen, is more than 35 years old and has lived here for more than 14 years. These qualifications set him apart from the millions of newcomers who will cast ballots to elect our next president.”

Meanwhile, the O’Rourke campaign has posted a want ad for volunteers “willing and able to wax his ass and scrub his balls.” Campaign spokesman Peter Hynd cryptically explained the bizarre request, saying that “the candidate requires certain personal attentions to look, feel and be at his best.”

Congresswoman Suggests Banks Be Nationalized

Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif), Chairperson of the House Financial Services Committee, asked Wells Fargo CEO Tim Sloan if the scandals that have plagued his bank “might prove that it is too big to manage. We see a pattern here. Customers have been abused and money has been wasted or misspent. Where’s the accountability?”

Waters wondered “whether the idea that banks can be trusted is no longer valid for our modern economy. Greed has gotten us into this mess. Maybe it’s time the government steps in to run all the banks and replaces the profit motive with a more socially just way of doing things. Unlike the private sector, the government isn’t bound to earn a profit. It can manage businesses free of the constraints of focus on the bottom line. Loans could be given based on need without concern about whether the borrower can make payments. This is how they do it in Cuba and we never hear of any scandals, defaults, or waste there.”

New Zealand Terror Attack Blamed on Trump

A gunman who described himself as a “Green Nationalist” and admirer of Oswald Mosley—the leader of the British Union of Fascists in the 1930s—murdered 49 people at two mosques in Christchurch. The shooter’s “Manifesto” explained the crime as “a more direct approach to saving the planet from overpopulation” by targeting “a group that is among the fastest breeding segment of humanity.” He also expressed admiration of China’s one-child policy, but “had to take matters into my own hands because western governments don’t have the balls to do what is needed.”

CNN was quick to suggest that US President Trump was somehow to blame. John Berman, host of the program “New Day,” professed to not blame Trump, but went on to say that “the President is not the killer, per se, but I detect a fear of immigrants similar to what the shooter expressed. And Trump, like the shooter, is white, while most of the victims were brown foreigners.”

CNN panelist Joe Lockhart saw a parallel between “the gunman’s paramilitary assault and Trump’s boast that he has the support of the US Military on his side. I’m not saying that Trump consciously invites anyone to murder immigrants, but couldn’t the deranged gunman have thought that he did? Can we afford to absolve an unwitting Trump from all responsibility here? Isn’t it our obligation to do whatever we can to silence him?”

Meanwhile, a group of students at New York University conducting a vigil to remember and mourn the victims of the attack assailed a hapless Chelsea Clinton when she dared to join the vigil. They blamed her “Islamophobia” for inspiring the shooter. “You married a Jew,” they shouted. “You criticized Rep. Omar for warning everyone about the Jews.” Flustered, Chelsea apologized profusely for her “insensitivity” and remarked that “it’s so hard to keep up with correct thinking.”

Goat Elected Town Mayor

In Fair Haven, Vermont voters have elected a goat named “Lincoln” mayor. In an attempt to explain the unusual outcome, Town Manager Joseph Gunter said he was unsure, but offered some possible motivations. “On the one hand, the goat’s name may have played a part in the decision. Lincoln was one of this nation’s greatest leaders. Perhaps the name alone inspired confidence.”

“On the other hand, voters have elected and reelected Bernie Sanders to the US Senate,” Gunter observed. “So, odd choices by the electorate are not entirely unknown in our state. At least the goat hasn’t proposed any crazy policies that could embarrass our town.”

Testicular Bill of Rights Proposed in Georgia

Angered that the legislature passed a law protecting the unborn from being killed once a heartbeat is detected, Rep. Dar’shun Kendrick (D-Lithonia) has introduced a bill she calls a “Testicular Bill of Rights.”

“This will level the playing field by establishing the same kind of regulations infringing upon men’s bodies that Republicans have imposed on women’s bodies,” Kendrick contends. The provisions of her bill include: (1) require men to have their partner’s permission before an erectile dysfunction medication can be prescribed; (2) ban vasectomies and punish doctors who perform them; (3) punish men who have sex without a condom; (4) require men to start paying child support when their partners are six-week pregnant; and (5) a 24-hour waiting period for men to acquire porn or sex toys.

While critics see more spite than genuine health issues as the driving motivation behind her bill, Kendrick pointed out that “an abortion kills only one person, but every ejaculation kills millions of potential persons. Laws that focus exclusively on preventing a mother from killing her own baby are unfairly singling out females whose lesser crime pales compared to the mass murders routinely committed by men. It’s not as if the fate of every man is not in his own hands. If he always wears a condom the chance he will impregnate any woman is nil. So, any man who religiously obeys section three of my law should be relatively safe from prosecution.”

Fellow abortion fanatic Rep. Park Cannon (D-Atlanta) favors a simpler approach and has offered an amendment “that would strike all the complicated provisions of Kendrick’s bill and replace them with a single requirement mandating that men turn themselves into the police whenever they release sperm from their testicles.”

Former Democratic candidate for Georgia governor Stacy Abrams said she “sympathized with Rep. Kendrick’s frustration,” but characterized her proposed bill “a joke.” Instead, she blamed corporations for not stopping the heartbeat bill from becoming law. “The majority of abortions are performed on poor women,” she pointed out. “Preventing these abortions means more mouths to feed and drives up the cost of welfare benefits. I would’ve thought that businesses would have opposed the new law on fiscal grounds. The few thousands they could’ve paid to sway the votes needed to kill the bill will now be outweighed by the millions in higher taxes needed to support these unwanted children.”

FBI Witness Blames Lynch, Rues Getting Caught

Lisa Page, a key cog in the Obama Administration’s conspiracy to derail Trump’s campaign and sabotage him after he won the election, testified to Congress that it was Attorney General Loretta Lynch who ordered FBI Director James Comey to exonerate Hillary Clinton for mishandling classified government communications.

For her part, Lynch denied that she explicitly ordered Comey to do anything. “I just passed on the message given to me by Bill Clinton in our tarmac meeting. He said that Hillary really wanted to be president and that anyone who messed that up would regret it, possibly to the point of becoming suicidal. He advised me not to scoff because he’s seen it happen many times over the years.”

After her testimony Page said she regretted what had happened. “I don’t regret doing everything I could to try to rig the election for Hillary. Please make sure that President Clinton knows that. What I regret most is that we failed. What I regret second most is that we got caught. All that blabbing and boasting that Peter and I did via phone texting was stupid. The Mafia has a code of omertà for a reason. We should have abided by it.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. His work has been cited by Rush Limbaugh. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Dems Can’t Reach Consensus to Condemn Anti-Semitism

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Unable to cobble together a majority of her Party willing to vote for a resolution condemning the repeated anti-Semitic propaganda issuing forth from Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-Minn), Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) was able to get an insipid statement opposing hatred through.

“Since there are so many hateful things being said and done in the world, our caucus didn’t think it would be fair to single out Rep. Omar for rebuke,” Pelosi explained. “On top of that, it was pointed out to me the Quran commands Muslims to hate Jews and that criticizing her for following the commands of her faith would violate her right to freedom of religion.”

Democratic Whip Rep. James Clyburn (D-SC) applauded Pelosi’s compromise and pointed out that “Omar has a right to vent against Jews after she spent so much time in a Kenyan refugee camp. She personally suffered. Almost all the Jews who survived the Holocaust are no longer alive. Most Jews alive today, therefore, have not personally experienced the kind of suffering that Omar has.” Unfortunately for Clyburn’s argument, Jews were not involved in running the refugee camp where Omar suffered.

Rep. Jan Schakowsky (D-Ill) defended Omar’s slander on the grounds that “she was raised in a different culture. Every Muslim child is taught to hate Jews. It should not be surprising that as an adult Rep. Omar is repeating the lessons taught her as a child. Chastising her now for expressing her beliefs is part and parcel of the bigger problem of Islamophobia that is impeding this rapidly growing religion of peace from achieving the world-wide dominance that the Prophet Muhammad envisioned. Whether we agree with this vision or not, Muslims have a constitutional right to speak and take the actions necessary to fulfilling it.”

Twenty-three Republicans voted against the compromise measure, an action which Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez characterized as “worse than the supposed anti-Semitic offense of Rep. Omar. Her hate was limited in scope to only a tiny world-wide minority. The 23 Republicans refused to support a statement against all the forms of hate that exist in the world.”

Rep. Liz Cheney (R-WY) called the resolution “a sham measure designed to provide cover for the anti-Semitic hate and bigotry expressed by Rep. Omar. The lame attempts to excuse her because she suffered or grew up in a culture that normalized anti-Semitism show a Democrat Party that has lost its grip on decency. The failure to specifically condemn Rep. Omar’s vile slanders amounts to a defacto endorsement of the idea that being a Democrat gives her immunity.”

Democrat contenders for their Party’s 2020 presidential nomination Sen. Bernie Sanders (Vt), Sen. Kamala Harris (Calif), and Sen. Elizabeth Warren (Mass) all defended Omar’s freedom of speech. “Anti-Semitism isn’t necessarily the best use of freedom of speech, but it still merits our respect,” Harris said. “My greatest fear is that by officially condemning Rep. Omar we might be putting her at risk of violence.”

While Democrats may be willing to excuse Omar for slandering Jews it remains to be seen whether she will as easily be given a pass for assailing former President Obama as “a murderer for his assassination of suspected terrorists and nearby persons via drone strikes” and “as bad as Trump for putting immigrants in cages.”

House Dems Endorse Illegal Voting

As part of its top priority “For the People Act,” the Democrat-controlled House of Representatives voted 228 to 197 to explicitly endorse local governments that allow illegal immigrants to vote. Federal law currently does not permit non-citizens to vote in federal elections. However, the enforcement of this law is more difficult when state and local election ballots are cast simultaneously.

Rep. John Lewis (D-GA) enthusiastically praised the measure, saying “we are prepared to open up the political process and let all of the people come in. ‘Newcomers,’ as Speaker Pelosi has dubbed them, have a human right to vote. Since a majority of these newcomers will need to rely on government welfare programs to receive food, housing, and cash handouts to live they have an abiding interest in selecting who controls the government. This bill implicitly recognizes this human right.”

Rep. Dan Crenshaw (R-TX) disagreed: “Letting foreigners into the country with the expectation that they have a right to be supported by American taxpayers effectively forces taxpayers to take in non-paying boarders. Allowing these non-paying boarders to vote for politicians who will continue and expand these burdensome government giveaways is the path to fiscal disaster. It is bad enough that citizens on welfare can vote for programs they make no tax contribution to support. Inviting the millions of foreigners who illegally enter the United States this same right gives too much power to the non-productive to impose never-ending burdens on citizens who work for a living.”

In related news, Pelosi (D-Calif) denounced GOP efforts to include a provision requiring that “newcomers” in the country who illegally try to buy guns be reported to Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) in her Party’s gun control legislation. “Without the legal right to live here these newcomers have even more need for a gun than the law-abiding segment of the population,” she argued. “They can’t rely on police to protect them without risking being deported. Owning personal firearms are their best means of self-defense.”

Hawaii Dems Call for Repeal of 2nd Amendment

The Hawaii Senate is considering a resolution calling for a repeal of the 2nd Amendment right to bear arms. The heavily Democrat-dominated body (there is only one Republican and 24 Democrats) will most likely pass the resolution.

Resolution co-sponsor Roz Baker (D-Maui) says “the era when individuals had to have firearms to hunt for food or ward off criminals is long past. In 1789, help could not be easily summoned and once summoned could take hours or more to respond. Today, police can be summoned in seconds and arrive within minutes. There is no longer a need for individual ownership of firearms.”

Co-sponsor Stanley Chang (D-Oahu) contends that “the whole notion that the 2nd Amendment was ever intended to allow individuals to own firearms is erroneous. The Amendment specifies that the right belongs to members of the militia. Allowing individuals to own guns dilutes government control. Owning firearms gives individuals objecting to this control the means to cause disruption and disobedience. The future belongs to collectivism. The armed agents of the law must be free of the fear that opponents have viable means to resist the demands made upon them to cooperate with laws and rules promulgated by duly elected authorities.”

Chang dismissed writer of the phrase “inalienable rights,” Thomas Jefferson’s belief that “no freeman shall ever be debarred the use of arms” and Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia’s ruling that “the 2nd Amendment protects an individual right to possess a firearm,” as “clearly wrong. In any case, we have the means to correct their errors by repealing that Amendment.”

DNC Bars Fox News from Covering Debates

The Democratic National Committee (DNC) announced it will not allow Fox News to host any of the 2020 presidential election debates. DNC Chairman Tom Perez cited “the network’s hostility toward our Party’s positions and policies. It would be unfair for our candidates to have to answer questions from our political enemies.”

President Trump was quick to mock the DNC’s decision. “I guess the Democratic candidates need a host that will give them the questions in advance. They have so little confidence in their ability to explain their crazy ideas to the American people that they want a reliable CNN or MSNBC to help them avoid being honest on the issues of the day.”

Perez rebuffed Trump’s mockery, saying that “some individuals and some ideas don’t merit a public airing. Trump is one of those individuals whose ideas are so poisonous that our society has a moral duty not to hear him out. We can’t let the Republicans lean on the crutch of freedom of speech to hypnotize naive voters. The Democratic Party will always take a stand for protecting these voters from the GOP’s siren song of individualism and personal freedom. We all need to stand together for the collective well-being of all. Progressives are the only ones in sync with this vital mission. The time has come to pull together a plan of how to proceed. We don’t have the time to waste listening to those who reject this mission.”

Meanwhile, former presidential candidate Hillary Clinton sought to clarify her “not running” statement. “I still want to be president,” she reminded everyone. “I think my record of public service adequately demonstrates that I still deserve to be president. But I don’t think it would be fair for me to have to jump through all the hoops that those less qualified will have to do to try to win over voters. I just want America to know that I am available to step in when the dwarfs that have lately come into the race have flamed out.”

Accused Killer Wants Change in Venue

Cristhian Rivera, the illegal alien on trial for murdering University of Iowa student Mollie Tibbetts in August of last year, has asked for a change of venue. He claims that the likely jury pool won’t constitute a “jury of my peers.”

“How can a jury of white corn farmers fairly assess the fate of a Latino immigrant?” he asks. “They don’t know what it is like to trek hundreds of miles to secretly cross the border. They don’t know what it is like to work at menial jobs for low wages? They don’t know how difficult it is for a young man with strong romantic urges, but of limited English speaking skills, to meet and woo girls.”

Rivera proposes that “a jury comprised of other immigrants from south of the border would provide a more peer like panel. Maybe some of the rapists and murderers currently being detained by ICE could more productively spend their time sitting on my case than locked up in cells.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Biden Apologizes for Calling VP Pence ‘Decent’

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Caving to left-wing criticism, former Vice-President Joe Biden apologized for calling current Vice-President Mike Pence “a decent guy.” The criticism focused on two key complaints. First, actress and former Democratic candidate for New York governor Cynthia Nixon cited Pence’s Christian objections to gay marriage, claiming that “opposition to the LBGT agenda is per se indecent.”

Nixon suggested that “we also look at all the photos of Biden groping people. In almost every instance the ones he’s laid his hands on are female and many are underage. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that Biden is a mainstream sexual harasser and part-time pedophile.”

Second, Nixon reminded Biden that “Pence is a Republican and, worse, a Trump supporter. That marks him for political extinction in the name of social justice. To think that a man who aspires to be the Democratic nominee for president in the 2020 election would have kind words for any Republican is shameful.”

Biden tried to clarify his remarks by pointing out that “I was just trying to be polite and civil. Mike has never said or done anything indecent to me. I thought that since we’ve both had to trod similar ground as VPs there might be a common bond that goes beyond some of our differences. But I now realize that treating a political opponent as a friend undermines the narrative the Democratic Party is striving to communicate to voters. There can be no civility toward Republicans. They must be driven out of government and out of all public spaces if we are to fully implement the progressive transformation of America.”

Moderate Dems Threatened

This week, 26 moderate Democrats joined Republicans in voting for an amendment to the House’s bill requiring background checks for all firearms transactions—including those between family members. Since it is against the law for persons in the country illegally to possess firearms, the GOP amendment added a clause requiring gun sellers to notify ICE whenever such a purchase is attempted.

Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) was outraged “at this betrayal of the socialist future we are trying to bring to this country. If we are going to overcome the constitutional and traditional barriers to gun confiscation in America we must have Party solidarity in Congress. In situations like this I always ask myself what would Lenin have done. Well, an example of Leninism in action can be seen in Venezuela where the rightful president is facing widespread disobedience from his citizens. Imagine how much worse it would be for him if he had not had the foresight to confiscate his people’s guns. The socialism he has gifted to his country could be undermined by armed resistance. If we are to avert potential armed resistance to socialism in the United States we must be as wise as President Maduro has been.”

“For now, this means every Democrat must do his or her duty to support the Party,” she added. “Those who don’t will face primary opposition from Democrats loyal to the cause. The Party doesn’t need moderates. Moderation in pursuit of social justice is no virtue and extremism in pursuit of social justice is no vice.”

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) was doubly outraged. “I am the leader of the Democrats in Congress,” she said. “I give the marching orders to our Party’s representatives. Their obligation is to obey. This goes for the renegades who voted with the Republicans for the amendment and the upstart freshman member who tries to usurp my prerogatives.”

While Pelosi wasn’t as blatant as Ocasio-Cortez in her threats against those who have defied her authority, she did suggest that nonconforming Democrats should not expect to receive financial support for their reelection from the Democratic National Committee. “If these Democrats want to break ranks with me they can fund their own campaigns,” the Speaker asserted. Ironically, the denial of DNC funding to the moderate Democrats will boost Ocasio-Cortez’s lunatic minions’ chances of success in unseating them in Democratic primaries and further augment the influence of this obstreperous upstart.

In other Ocasio-Cortez news, the Congresswoman was recently spied eating a hamburger in public. Readers may recall, that her Green New Deal calls for the elimination of farting cows. Rather than being a hypocrite, she insisted that “those of us in government have got to keep up our strength. Eating the cows is one way of getting the protein we need while simultaneously removing them from the environment one bite at a time.”

Rep. Omar Says Trump Unfairly Undermining Maduro

Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-Minn) defended Venezuelan President Maduro’s order for troops to fire on humanitarian aid workers trying to delivery food to the nation’s starving inhabitants. “This food aid has not been approved by the legitimate government authorities,” Omar pointed out. “It is a totally ad hoc effort that is undermining the Maduro regime’s attempts to rally his people against the Yankee imperialism that is the root cause of the crisis in Venezuela.”

“Venezuela used to be able to count on oil revenue to finance the country’s transition to socialism,” Omar maintained. “But under Trump’s radical deregulation policy the United States has now become the world’s largest crude oil producer. The collapse of demand for petroleum imports to the United States has led to oil prices drastically declining over the past two years and devastated Maduro’s revenues and plans.”

“The argument that a free market economy would avert the starvation seeks to impose an ideology that the Venezuelan Government has steadfastly rejected as exploitative,” she argued. “Maduro doesn’t want his people to be motivated by greed. He wants them to fulfill their social obligations to the collective state. It is their shirking of these obligations that has led to the food shortages that Maduro is trying to use to chastise them into obedience. The so-called humanitarian aid is aimed at thwarting this chastisement. Using force to prevent the food from reaching Venezuela’s disobedient citizens is within Maduro’s right to rule his country as he sees fit.”

California Dem’s Bill Would Outlaw High School Animal Dissections

California Assemblyman Ash Kalra (D-San Jose) has introduced a bill that would ban high school biology classes from dissecting animals as part of their learning about anatomy. Kalra says that “the current law allowing students with moral objections to opt out of the dissection lesson is unsatisfactory. For one, it still allows the callous exploitation of animals to go forward. Second, it allows students without moral scruples to receive a more complete education than their morally superior peers.”

“The whole premise of these dissections is founded on an unwarranted notion that humans are more important than other creatures,” Kalra observed. “Well, to me that’s immoral. If the knowledge gained from dissecting frogs is what it takes to educate better doctors or scientists I say it’s time we ditch our elitist pretensions. If we’re objective about it we’ll admit that human lives aren’t really any more valuable than those of frogs. Would the 60 million abortions performed in this country since the 1973 Roe v. Wade decision have taken place if we thought human life was somehow special? In contrast, there are no known cases of frogs aborting their offspring.”

The Assemblyman said he would be willing to allow dissections of aborted human fetuses instead of animals. “The aborted human specimen can be used without affronting logical thinking,” he contended. “It is rejected biological tissue. It is also more a more appropriate specimen for students aspiring to go into medicine. So rather than continue to violate the rights of innocent animals why not make use of cast off human remains as the foundation of our high school biology instruction?”

Senator Says Lining up to Buy Food a “Good Thing”

Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-Vt) boldly countered assertions that socialism would lead to food shortages, rationing, and long lines for those trying to get food by contending that “contrary to capitalist propaganda, making people stand in line to buy food is a good thing. Let’s examine the facts.”

“Can anyone rationally dispute the reality that in the United States a distressingly large proportion of the population is morbidly obese?” Sanders asked. “The ease with which food can be obtained is the main reason for this health crisis. If food were scarcer and more expensive people wouldn’t be able to get fat. The amount of money each person would have under socialism would be low enough to force him or her to be more selective. The time-consuming procedure of requiring food seekers to wait in line would also tend to work against obesity. There just wouldn’t be enough time in the day to stand in all the various lines for bread, meat, etc. for anyone to get all the food he or she wants even if they could afford it.”

“The ancillary benefits of the queuing process would also contribute to a healthier population,” the Senator added. “Standing is healthier than sitting. And since the majority of those in line would be outdoors they’d get more fresh air and sunshine. There’ would also be more opportunities to chat with fellow citizens while waiting in line. This would combat the loneliness that currently plagues America where isolated individuals can drive to pick up fast food, take it home and watch TV alone. So, when we seriously look into the dynamics I think we can all agree that the food lines that have characterized socialist societies around the world are, on balance, a net plus for the human condition.”

In related news, the presidential contender announced that he would be releasing his tax returns “at some point,” but doubted people would find them very interesting. “I myself have no idea what’s in those documents. I’m a complete putz when it comes to numbers. Between the deductions on the three homes, the incomprehensible-to-me revenues from various well-wishers, and the opaque IRS instructions I’m lost. Luckily my wife handles all our finances. So, if there are any mistakes it’s not my fault.”

Anti-Infanticide Bill Fails in Senate

This week, the Born Alive Abortion Survivors Protection Act was blocked in the US Senate. While a 53-44 majority voted for the measure, the bill failed to garner the 60 votes required by Senate rules and did not advance to an actual vote. If enacted, the measure would require that doctors render aid to any baby that survives an abortion procedure and impose penalties for failure to provide life-saving assistance.

All the Democratic senators who have already announced their intention to run for their Party’s 2020 presidential nomination—Bernie Sanders (Vt), Kamala Harris (Calif), Cory Booker (NJ), Kirsten Gillibrand (NY), Amy Klobuchar (Minn), and Elizabeth Warren (Mass)–voted against providing aid to abortion survivors.

Sen. Harris explained that “the mother’s decision to have an abortion is her inalienable right. Inasmuch as late term abortions typically are achieved either by tearing the fetus apart limb-by-limb or burning it to death with acidic chemicals, a child who survives that is clearly a medical error. We cannot, in good conscience, allow such an error to trample a woman’s inalienable right to dispose of her unwanted offspring.”

A curious Sen. Booker wanted to know “why are Republicans so hung up on an artificial distinction between before and after birth? If it’s okay to kill the entity before it comes out of the womb, why wouldn’t it be okay to complete the termination afterward? Besides, I think they’re getting all worked up over an extremely rare event. More Americans die after being shot than die after surviving an attempt to end their existence via an abortion. Why isn’t this greater carnage moving the GOP to support gun control?”

Rep. Chris Smith (R-NJ) reminded Sen. Booker that “nowhere near 60 million people have been shot to death since Roe v. Wade. If my fellow legislator wants to measure the blood that’s been spilled, how can he overlook the fact that abortion has killed more Americans than all our wars combined. This is the greater carnage that the Pro-Life Caucus is trying to end.”

The blame for the failure to make this small dent in the wave of murder that is massacring a million babies a year does not all belong to the Democrats. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell’s (R-Ken) dedication to preserving the Senate’s “elegant tradition of unlimited debate” allowed the minority opposed to the legislation to block a vote on the measure, which likely would have passed. Historically, McConnell’s “elegant tradition” has mostly been used to block legislation that would have repealed Jim Crow laws that have discriminated against Blacks in some parts of the country. Why maintaining this tradition should be more important than saving the lives of abortion survivors remains a mystery.

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Smollett Hoax Excused

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

This week, Chicago Police Superintendent Eddie Johnson announced that actor Jussie Smollett’s claim that two Trump supporters assaulted him after his January 29th 2 A.M. run to Subway for a tuna sandwich was a hoax.

“Suspicions were first raised when the responding officers noticed that the sandwich survived unscathed,” Johnson said. “How does that happen with two men beating on Mr. Smollett? To put it succinctly, it made his story seem fishy.”

“After we located the suspects it turned out they were friends of Mr. Smollett who alleged that he had paid them to lightly beat him without doing any serious harm, especially to his face. They were able to back up their claim by leading us to the $3500 check Smollett wrote to them to cover the expenses incurred in the plot—the non-chafing rope, the environmentally-friendly bleach, the Make America Great Again hats, and the black face masks.”

Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif) expressed her “disappointment that the attack might have been staged,” but said that “his highly credible story reflects a deeper reality. The fact is that President Trump is a racist and there are doubtless many Trump supporters who would’ve enjoyed beating up a gay black man. I think Jussie deserves some credit for trying to dramatize this deeper reality.”

Sen. Kamala Harris (D-Calif) averred that “I am sad, frustrated and disappointed that this particular incident seems to have been a hoax. However, we shouldn’t lose sight of the fact that real attacks of this sort do take place. Jussie’s efforts to draw attention to this fact were well intended.”

For his part, Smollett is now contending that the scheme “was essentially a ‘dry run’ for a subplot segment of a future episode of Empire. Judging from the initial responses, I’d have to say that I’ve demonstrated that I’m more than just an actor. The verisimilitude of my vignette shows my screenwriting ability is considerable and supports my case for a bigger slice of the Empire pie.”

Smollett also claims that “the fact that I paid my co-actors by check shows that I had no criminal intent. Crooks don’t pay by check. I also fully intend to write checks to the unwitting actors from the Chicago Police force. I couldn’t do this in advance because I couldn’t count on them to give realistic performances without their belief that the events in my scenario were real. After all, they, unlike me, are not professional actors.”

MSNBC’s Al Sharpton was less forgiving, insisting that “anyone who would perpetrate such a heinous hoax ought to face maximum accountability. Under no circumstances should he be given a media platform with which to broadcast his ill-conceived ideas. The airwaves are already glutted with erroneous commentary and misleading news reports.”

Maduro Goons Shoot Samaritans & Starving Citizens

Armed troops loyal to President Maduro opened fire on the good samaritans trying to bring food aid to desperately hungry Venezuelans—killing two and wounding another dozen or so. According to Maduro, “the aid is an attack on the sovereignty of my country. It is not for outsiders to decide what or how much Venezuelans should eat. That is my prerogative.”

Major media outlets in the US variously characterized the Army’s attack on the unarmed victims as a “clash” (Reuters), “standoff” (CNN), “showdown” (New York Times), and “face-off” (Wall Street Journal). An off-the-record explanation was offered by a CNN reporter: “look, Trump has already taken sides against Maduro’s wrecking of the country’s economy. Clearly, that is an intrusion on its sovereignty. Just because the results of Maduro’s policies aren’t liked by some citizens doesn’t give them the right to collude with foreigners to undermine them. We are merely presenting an unbiased description of the situation.”

Trump Demands Return of Federal Aid

In the wake of Gov. Gavin Newsome’s decision to scale down California’s bullet train, the Trump Administration is demanding that federal grants awarded for the larger original project be returned. Originally, the train was to connect San Diego, Los Angeles, Sacramento, and San Francisco. The scaled down version will connect Bakersfield and Merced.

“The federal aid for this train was predicated on the promise of a much bigger system,” Trump said. “Since they aren’t going to build the bigger system, they’re not entitled to the money. It’s like a contractor promising to build a mansion, but delivering a shack. California has no legal right to keep the money intended for the larger project.”

Stanford law professor David Engstrom bypassed the legalities and observed that “the practice of recovering money for breach of contract is not something that is ordinarily done in the public sector. Squandering federal aid is expected. Bureaucrats at the federal level repeatedly overlook this waste out of solidarity with state and local bureaucrats. The basic procedure is to keep the money flowing to ensure that all participants get paid regardless of whether the projects are successful.”

Newsome bristled at “Trump’s naive belief that contracts must be enforced. Other presidents haven’t enforced contracts. President Obama granted California wide leeway when it came to budgets and delivery dates. All of the agreed upon budgets ran over. None of the agreed upon deadlines were met. Yet, the federal money kept flowing. This created an expectation that California need not fulfill its obligations in order to receive the federal money. Breaching our expectation breaks long-standing traditions in how federal aid is handled.”

Teachers Assail Bill Banning Political Indoctrination

Proposed legislation establishing a code of ethics for public school teachers in Maine has some teachers in an uproar. The bill (LD-589) was introduced by Rep. Larry Lockman (R-Amherst). The provision causing the uproar prohibits teachers from engaging in political advocacy and requires that materials from both sides of controversial topics be made available to students.

Lockman maintains that “teachers have an obligation not to abuse their captive audiences by indoctrinating them into supporting a politically slanted point of view. They should be teaching students how to find information, how to weigh competing opinions, and how to respectfully debate those they disagree with. My bill serves as a reminder of the genuine obligations of the true educator.”

Matthew Drewette-Card, the vice president of the Maine Association of Supervision and Curriculum Development, submitted testimony asserting that “the bill would abridge teachers’ rights. Advocating for the correct way of thinking and the rejection of incorrect thought is the very essence of education. A lot of progress has been made over the past few decades in guiding children toward the appropriate attitudes and choices for a moral society. The millennials’ acceptance of socialism and wealth redistribution are evidence of the importance of preserving these teachers’ rights.”

Meanwhile, in Illinois, the state legislature is considering a bill that requires every public middle and high school to supply tampons and sanitary napkins for free in every boys’ restroom. State Rep. Linda Chapa LaVia (D-Aurora) explained that “the old ways of determining one’s sex have been superseded by the realization that gender is a social construct. Just because a person has a vagina doesn’t mean that person is female. If that person identifies as male, school’s need to supply hygiene products so he can cope with emergencies due to his non-conforming genitalia.”

University Bans YAF

Students attempting to register a chapter of Young Americans for Freedom (YAF) at Syracuse University were rebuffed for “unacceptable values.” One of the requirements for those wanting to join YAF is allegiance to the US Constitution.

David Sargalski, director of the Office of Student Activities, pointed out that “some of our students don’t have any allegiance to the US Constitution. Requiring that a person must revere the Constitution in order to be a member of this right-wing organization is unfair. On top of this, the name of the organization includes the words ‘for freedom.’ This improperly excludes students who are against freedom. This violates the University’s nondiscrimination policies.”

Justine Murray, the YAF group’s president characterized the University’s position as “Orwellian. Democrats, Republicans, and Socialists all have been allowed to register. All of these groups have from time to time mentioned the US Constitution during their political advocacy activities. Why is a definitively pro-constitution organization like YAF disallowed?”

“I think Ms. Murray has pointed out the difference herself,” Sargalski observed. “None of the organizations she cited take a position explicitly endorsing the Constitution. All are flexible in their opinions regarding the document. All are less doctrinaire regarding freedom. Any student can be more comfortable in joining these organizations without having to commit to the controversial values espoused by YAF.”

NC Judge Voids Amendments

Wake County Superior Court Judge G. Bryan Collins invalidated a state constitutional amendment requiring voters to show photo IDs at the polls. He also tossed an amendment placing a cap on the state’s income tax. Though the amendments were both passed handily by voters, Collins ruled that because the legislature is so gerrymandered it had no authority to place them on the ballot.

Reactions to the ruling were split. North Carolina GOP Chairman Robin Hayes called the ruling “an absurd usurpation of the voters’ right to govern themselves.” Rev. Dr. T. Anthony Spearman of the NAACP hailed the ruling as “a triumph over racism.”

Interestingly, a report prepared by the National Bureau of Economic Research stated that “voter ID laws have no negative effect on registration or turnout, overall or for any group defined by race, gender, age, or party affiliation.” Unfortunately, Judge Collins also ruled that all copies of this report be seized and destroyed because “it is logical to assume that photo ID requirements do suppress the minority vote. On average minorities are less educated and less energetic. Requiring them to obtain, retain, and show photo IDs at the polls may be asking too much.”

Pelosi Refuses to Release Her Tax Return

Though she is co-sponsoring a bill that would require President Trump and vice-president Pence to release their tax returns, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) says she will not release her own. CNSNews correspondent Emily Ward suggested to her that “since you’ve been saying that as speaker you’re the president’s equal in terms of authority and responsibility. You are also in line behind the Vice-President to become president should anything happen to them. So, wouldn’t releasing your returns set a good example?”

“By law, all tax returns are considered private and confidential,” the speaker replied. “That includes mine. I have no legal or moral obligation to make them public. The legislation I’m sponsoring applies only to the president and vice-president. It doesn’t include anyone else’s tax returns. We’re only seeking to invade the privacy of two out of the 140 million federal income taxpayers. That’s a tiny fraction of the total and shouldn’t be cause for anyone to become alarmed.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Trump’s Border Emergency Called ‘Unlawful’

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Given Congress’ provision of only a small token appropriation of $1.4 billion to fund a mere 55 miles of border barriers, President Trump used his constitutional designation as Commander-in-Chief of the armed forces and statutory authority under the National Emergencies Act of 1976 to declare the continuing invasion of the United States by millions of illegal aliens a “national emergency.” The President announced he will use funds appropriated for national defense to build border barriers.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) and Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) denounced the President’s action as “unlawful. To characterize the migration of millions of future Democratic voters into this country as an invasion is inhumane. These migrants come from poor countries that are unable to provide the kind of social benefits we readily extend to American citizens whose only accomplishment has been to have been born on the north side of the border.”

“We are a wealthy nation and have a moral obligation to share our wealth with those less fortunate,” Pelosi elaborated. “The argument that it is financially impractical for us to do this doesn’t stand up to scrutiny. The average American is overfed and loaded down with excessive material possessions. Our homes are too big. We waste our time and money on frivolous entertainment. We have no moral right to withhold our surplus from a more equitable redistribution.”

Schumer contrasted Trump’s abuse of executive power with former President Obama’s, saying that “while President Obama admittedly went beyond his authority in declaring amnesty and special privileges for dreamers, he did it out of love, not hate. Though there is no explicit language in the Constitution or any statute authorizing his action, the courts decided there should be and upheld what he did. We’re confident that the courts will see the distinction between what these two presidents did and strike down Trump’s evil use of his authority.”

Yet Another Dem Assails Booming Economy

Rep. Gwen Moore (D-WI) took her opportunity to speak at a House Ways and Means Committee hearing to criticize the rising incomes and increased employment of minorities that has been sparked by Republican policies of less regulation and lower taxes.

“GDP is great, unemployment is at an all-time low, African Americans are doing well, Hispanics are doing well, wages are rising at the fastest pace in ten years, blah, blah, blah,” she admitted. “The beneficiaries are only those who are willing to work. There was no boost in income for those unwilling to work. In fact, the lowered unemployment was largely achieved by luring people to join the workforce. The tremendous loss of what was formerly paid leisure time remains unacknowledged by the GOP.”

Moore held forth the remedy that the Green New Deal will provide “to correct the imbalances created by the Trump economy. By making it explicit that everyone in this country is entitled to a decent living without having to endure the suffering inherent in actually working for a living we will guarantee that both the industrious and the indolent are treated equally under the law.”

California Eyeing Expropriation of Pacific Gas & Electric

Faced with a huge shortfall between revenues and expenditures, Gov. Gavin Newsom (D) is putting together a “Strike Team” to seize the bankrupt PG&E utility.

As Newsom sees it, “expropriation will help reduce the State’s budget deficit. First, upon taking ownership we will repudiate the debts of this corporation and relieve ourselves of the obligation to pay back money lent to the company. Second, we will then breakdown and sell all the assets for cash. Friends tell me that the copper wires that carry electricity to homes and businesses bring a good price in the resale market.”

The Governor said he hopes “to use the funds from the sale of PG&E’s assets to tear down the fencing between California and Mexico and re-install it on our eastern border with Nevada and Arizona to impede the out-migration of citizens fleeing rats, humans defecating in the streets, open drug use and high taxes plaguing our sanctuary state.”

Former Texas Congressman Beto O’Rourke (D) praised Newsom’s plan to reunite California with Mexico and offered to stage a rally for reconquista near the State’s southern border. “I am 100% behind anything that my Mexican supporters want,” he said. “If they want to become American citizens, I’ll support that. If they want to take back California, Texas and other lands stolen from them, I’ll support that. It’s time we right the historical wrongs the United States has done to Mexico and Mexicans.”

In related news, the Denver City Council voted unanimously to legalize defecating in the streets. Mayor Michael Hancock explained “we are trying to make our City a more enticing destination for immigrants coming from countries where taking a dump in the open air is a privilege they’ve long been accustomed to enjoy.”

FBI Plotted Coup Against Trump

Former acting FBI Director Andrew McCabe publicly admitted that his Agency and other national security figures met to consider ways of ousting Trump from office in early 2017. Details of the plot are described in McCabe’s book: The Threat: How the FBI Protects America in the Age of Terror and Trump.

“It was clear to everyone in the room that Trump represented a clear and present danger to national security,” McCabe asserted. “He had no prior government experience. He didn’t work his way up through the political ranks as a governor or senator. He just jumped into the presidential race and horrified us all by unexpectedly winning. All of us who had worked behind the scenes to try to insure his defeat were now at risk.”

“We looked at a lot of options,” McCabe recalled. “Rosenstein offered to wear a wire in hopes that he could goad Trump into a damaging statement. Others pointed out that Trump had been under FBI surveillance since the moment he began his run for the presidency and we heard nothing of substance to discredit him. We looked at the 25th Amendment, but realized we lacked any compromising data on Pence that we could use to pressure him to declare Trump incompetent. All we could agree on was to appoint Mueller as a special counsel to initiate a wide-ranging probe aimed at creating a negative public image for the President.”

CNN’s Chris Cillizza averred that “the attempts to use the 25th Amendment, surveillance, and a smear campaign fueled by leaks from the Mueller investigation strike me as mild compared to what they could’ve done. I mean, the FBI used deadly force to take out the much lesser threats posed to the nation by David Koresh and Randy Weaver. Neither of them seized power or threatened to expose or disrupt the long-term governance of the United States. I think Trump should consider himself lucky to be merely illegally spied upon and vilified.”

Congresswoman Excited to Have Sparked Debate about Jews

Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-Minn) expressed excitement that her anti-Semitic tweets “have sparked a desperately needed discussion and debate over the nefarious Zionist conspiracy to take over the world. Muslims have been fighting to exterminate these vermin ever since Mohammed warned us about them fourteen hundred years ago. I’m glad I can use the platform awarded to me by my election to Congress to reach a wider audience.”

“There are a hundred times as many Muslims as there are Jews,” Omar pointed out. “If we believe in democracy shouldn’t the wishes of the super-majority outweigh the wishes of the tiny minority? Shouldn’t this cancer on humanity be excised as the Prophet advised?”

Fellow Muslim Rep. Rashida Tlaib (D-Mich) expressed her disappointment at “the harsh response to Rep. Omar’s uncensored honesty. She may not have the kind of hard evidence to prove her point that unbelievers demand, but I admire her passion. What I don’t admire is our fellow congressional members violating the immunity from criticism granted her by the Constitution. Unfortunately, there is no remedy under current law that would punish such disrespect. I pray for the day when Sharia is the law of the land and all unbelievers are required to show Muslims the respect that the Quran commands we be given.”

Rep. Gerry Connolly (D-Va) reminded us all that “Ilhan is only a freshman representative. She hasn’t had the proper opportunity to learn the weaselly words a more experienced member of congress would use to communicate prejudicial and defamatory sentiments.”

Dem Presidential Hopeful Claims Ability to See Future

This week, Sen. Kamala Harris (D-Calif) tried to bolster her prospects for nabbing the Democratic nomination for president in the 2020 election by alleging she can see the future. “Back when I was in college in the 1980s I had a glimpse of the future where I saw the rise to fame of Snoop Dogg and Tupac,” she claimed. “This was before anyone, including me, knew who these people were. Then came the 1990s and both shot to the top of the music world.”

“Now I see two paths diverging depending on who is elected our next president,” Harris said. “On one path, Trump is reelected and the airwaves are inundated with cornball country music as far as the ear can hear. On the other path, I am elected and rising new hip hop musicians named the Diddler and Dr. Freezee hit the scene. I urge voters to make a wise choice.”

The Senator credited her marijuana smoking for her extraordinary power to see the future. “Unlike former president and sex offender Bill Clinton, I inhaled,” she pointed out. “The combination of my unique DNA and the chemicals contained in pot, which you can only benefit from if you actually consume them, made me a trans-human mutant with superpowers.”

Meanwhile, rival contender for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination Sen. Cory Booker (D-NJ) forecast a future in which he will outlaw meat consumption if he is elected: “This planet simply cannot sustain people eating meat. When I’m president I will issue an executive order abolishing the consumption of animal flesh anywhere in the world.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Green New Deal: Time Travel to the Past

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

This week the lunatic caucus of the Democratic Party unveiled its touted “Green New Deal” plan to save the planet. Key features of the plan include putting an end to air travel, eliminating meat from the human diet, rebuilding every human structure, ending carbon emissions, getting rid of fossil-fueled automobiles, and providing a guaranteed income for people unwilling to work.

The plan’s primary architect Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) dismissed criticism contending that her plan is impractical by pointing out that “the sacrifices we are calling for are most certainly feasible. Abraham Lincoln never flew on an airplane. Hitler was a vegetarian. There was a time when every human lived in a cave and all food was consumed raw. Walking is a healthier method of travel than riding in automobiles. And ensuring that everyone is provided for will eradicate the last vestiges of wage-slavery.”

Ocasio-Cortez boasted that “the next president of the United States has already signed on as a backer of my plan.” Sen. Kamala Harris (D-Calif) declared herself “a proud co-sponsor of the Green New Deal” and rivals for the Democratic presidential nomination Sen. Cory Booker (NJ), Sen. Elizabeth Warren (Mass), Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand (NY), Obama Administration Sec. of Housing & Urban Development Julián Castro, and former Rep. Beto O’Rourke (Texas) have also endorsed the plan.

Potential contender former New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg, said that he would propose his own “Greenish New Deal,” which he maintains “is a less pie in the sky and more affordable path to the same basic objective. In my plan we simply outlaw gun ownership by the law-abiding portion of the population and allow the criminal elements of society to cull the human herd.”

Planned Parenthood Pushes “Care for All”

Encouraged by the “courageous and visionary leadership of Governors Andrew Cuomo (D-NY) and Ralph Northam (D-Virginia)” Planned Parenthood (PP) announced a major push for similar legislation in every state.

PP spokesperson Adora Slaughter said “decisive action at the state level is needed to counter the possibility that the next Trump appointee to the Supreme Court tips the balance in favor of undesirable revisions or ‘clarifications’ of the 1973 Roe v. Wade ruling. As we saw from Trump’s State of the Union speech, he is not averse to using lurid language denigrating the medically necessary dismemberment of what he called ‘beautiful babies’ in late term abortions. We cannot supinely await the negative political outcome of such an emotional appeal to abridge a woman’s most precious civil right.”

“We are going on the offensive with a multi-million dollar campaign in more than half the states to expand and enhance abortion rights,” Slaughter bragged. “We are grateful that the half-billion in federal aid we receive each year gives us the financial resources to make our liberating message heard throughout the land.”

Meanwhile, Chief Justice John Roberts joined the four liberal members of the Supreme Court to block enforcement of a Louisiana law requiring that abortion clinics have admitting privileges at nearby hospitals.

“Inasmuch as the new law in New York permits non-doctors to perform abortions it isn’t clear that requiring hospital admitting privileges would be practical,” Roberts said. “Further, since Planned Parenthood’s information and lobbying outreach campaign had not yet been launched before the Louisiana law was enacted, their state legislators were denied the opportunity to hear an important opposing message before they hastily acted.”

Don’t Take “Death to America” Personal

Iran’s Ayatollah Ali Khamenei advised “ordinary Americans” to “not take the ‘death to America’ slogan personal. It is aimed at your country’s leaders—Trump, Pompeo, Bolton and the like. They are the ones we demand be killed. Commoners would be judged on a case-by-case basis. As long as they have not committed any crimes against Islamic law, obey their Islamic rulers, and either convert or pay the jizya and feel themselves subdued most will probably survive.”

Khamenei also warned Europeans “to not get too uppity. Just because we do not chant death to France or Germany, for example, doesn’t mean we are pleased with their actions. France, as a case in point, has been unfairly interfering with Muslims rioting in the streets against the depraved behavior of French women walking around looking like whores in revealing clothing, naked faces, arms, and legs and with no male relative chaperon them. Raping these whores, burning their cars, and vandalizing the businesses they frequent are mild consequences compared to the ‘honor killings’ imposed on Muslim women for lesser offenses against the Prophet’s commands.”

Trump Blamed for Virginia Dems’ Blackface Scandal

What started out as an attempt to divert attention from Virginia Gov. Ralph Northam’s casual endorsement of infanticide during a radio show by hyping the discovery of a photo of a person in black face make-up standing next to another person wearing a Ku Klux Klan hood, mask and cloak in Eastern Virginia Medical School’s 1984 yearbook has turned into a scandal exposing top Democrats in the state.

At first, Northam tried apologizing, but once he realized that the person in blackface was not him, he denied being either person in the photo and said he didn’t know how the picture got into the yearbook. William Elwood who was a page designer for the yearbook explained that “each student submitted a sealed envelope of photos and other materials intended to appear on his page. At no time since 1984 did Dr. Northam complain about what was on his page.”

After several prominent Virginia Democrats called for Northam’s resignation news emerged that Leiutenant-Governor Justin Fairfax (D), who would succeed him, has been accused of sexually assaulting two women—one at Duke University in 2000 and one at the 2004 Democratic National Convention, and Attorney-General Mark Herring (D) who initially called for Northam’s resignation and is next in the line of succession after Fairfax, has admitted wearing blackface make-up as a teenager in 1980, but maintained “it was something we all did back in those days. No one was ever hurt in any of the simulated lynchings. We were just having a little fun.”

Rep. Al Green (D-Texas) blames President Trump for this “sorry display of bigotry. He contributed to the vile environment that led these young men astray back in the 1980s. Why, just the other night he bragged that his policies have forced a historically high percentage of Blacks off of unemployment and into the workforce. He’s this era’s Simon Legree and proud of it. This is further proof that that man must be impeached and removed from office.”

Booker to Oppose Trump Judicial Nominee

After a series of obnoxious questions probing the breadth and depth of judicial nominee Neomi Rao’s knowledge of the sexual orientation of those who have worked for her at the Office of Information and Regulatory Affairs, Sen. Cory Booker (D-NJ) pronounced her “unqualified to serve on any court.”

“Her publicly admitted ignorance about the sex lives of those she works with reveals a willful refusal to get involved in the most important aspect of modern life,” Booker asserted. “Her claim to be focused on her employees’ competence and performance at their jobs to the exclusion of taking an interest whether they are gay, bi, transgender, or other strikes me as unacceptably narrow and professional. It’s bad enough that she is already a government employee in a supervisory position. It is inconceivable that she should ever be trusted to be a judge.”

“Ms. Rao’s insistence that other people’s sex lives are none of her business runs counter to the kind of progressive society we’re trying to build in America,” the Senator argued. “Ideally, we should be as openly transparent as dogs are when they meet other dogs. They don’t feign disinterest. They get right down to sniffing each other’s hindquarters. If we were as honest as dogs we’d all admit that this is what we’d like to do ourselves. A person like Rao is clearly feigning disinterest. This type of dishonesty makes her unfit to be a judge.”

Maduro Repels US Interference in Venezuela’s Weight Loss Program
Efforts by the United States to send food to starving Venezuelans were blocked by order of President Nicolas Maduro. “Our policies have enabled our citizens to lose an average of more than 40 lbs. each over the past two years,” he boasted. “We have achieved objectives that the morbidly obese Americans envy and resent.”

“The key is to remove the opportunity to eat,” Maduro explained. “The ’empty stores’ initiative we implemented largely accomplished this goal. It has also had the salutary added benefit of getting our people to eat garbage and keep almost all of the country’s edible waste from going to waste. This has made us more efficient and has helped clean up our environment.”

Opposition leader Juan Guaidó denounced Maduro’s refusal to let the food aid through, saying that “hundreds of thousands are on the verge to starving to death without it. We had hoped that the Army would side with the people and disobey his orders to blockade the food aid, but they have so far sided with Maduro because he lets them murder whoever they want.”

NY Guv Considering Supporting Construction of a Wall

Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D-NY) is reported to be leaning toward supporting the construction of a wall around his state’s borders. “We are facing a major fiscal crisis,” he said. “Our state’s high tax rates have encouraged many of our highest earning residents to move to other states. We may need a wall to impede further attempts to escape paying these taxes.”

Cuomo is said to be impressed by the Berlin Wall’s long period of success in deterring those living in Communist East Germany from escaping to capitalist West Germany in the nearly three decades of its existence following its 1961 construction. Made of basic concrete blocks, bolstered with razor wire and manned by well-armed guards, it prevented nearly 100 percent of those trying to leave from succeeding.
NY State Assembly Speaker Carl Heastie (D-Bronx) said he shares the Governor’s concerns, but wondered if a wall, per se was the best approach. “If we build a wall wouldn’t that undermine our Party’s objection to Trump’s wall on the Mexican border?” Heastie wondered. “Wouldn’t pre-dawn raids on the homes of residents suspected of planning to flee be more effective? The element of surprise and the sense of terror such raids would instill strikes me as a more flexible option than a static wall. Besides, while we’re there we could just seize whatever money or other items of value might be lying around.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.