Michigan Gov Warns Protesters

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

This week, thousands of Michigan citizens circled the state capitol to demonstrate their opposition to Gov. Gretchen Whitmer’s tyranny. The Governor labeled this protest “irresponsible” and threatened to impose further restrictions on liberty.

“These people need to understand that this is not South Dakota,” she warned. “Just because Gov Noem (R-SD) was too weak to impose a stay-at-home edict on the residents of her state shouldn’t be taken as encouragement for Michiganers to disobey my orders. Her quaint notion that the people of her state can be trusted to act like responsible adults is dangerous and intolerable during this time of crisis. Clearly, it is up to us in government to protect everyone from the consequences of their own bad decisions. That includes the bad decision to ignore the directives we have issued for their own good.”

Whitmer is said to be mulling extending and intensifying the statewide lockdown. “I’m thinking that the license plate numbers gathered by the police during the protest could be useful for identifying those in need of further restrictions,” she said. “I hear that in China, the police welded disobedient citizens inside their homes. Alternatively, we could use ankle bracelets to enforce the kind of house-arrest these deviants deserve.”

Gov. Noem challenged the notion that she is weak, saying “I am the governor of a free people, not a dictator. In America, every person has an unalienable right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. As a government official it is my obligation to defend these rights. During this pandemic my approach has been to try to keep everyone as informed as possible so they can make their own decisions on how to cope with the virus. I am confident that a free people can come out of this crisis in better shape than a terrified and submissive people.”

In related news, Gov. Phil Murphy (D-NJ) rebuffed criticism that his shutdown of the state has excessively infringed upon freedom of religion, freedom of assembly, and freedom of speech, claiming that “enforcing the Bill of Rights is not my responsibility. It wasn’t part of the oath I swore when I took office and there’s no law that says I have to protect these so-called rights.”

Former AG Hails COVID-19 as “Opportunity”

Eric Holder, former Attorney General during the Obama presidency, boasted that “this current crisis gives us an opportunity to permanently revamp our electoral system. The duress created by the economic shutdown calls for urgent government action to ease the suffering of those thrown out of work. This gives the Democratic Party leverage to hold up any relief measures until our demands for voting reform are met.”

According to Holder, these “reforms” entail “elimination of voter ID, automatic voter registration for anyone receiving government benefits, prevention of voter registrations being purged for inactivity, universal vote-by-mail, and ballot harvesting. Each of these reforms will ensure that a maximum number of ballots can be cast and counted.”

Holder admitted that “in some cases this could result in more votes being cast than there are registered voters,” but asserted that “this would be preferable to the current system where there are fewer votes cast and counted than there are registered voters. Voting is a human right. It is better that some exercise this right more than once per election than that there be a shortfall because some potential votes aren’t cast or counted.”

Biden Unveils His Post-Pandemic Economic Policy

Presumptive Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden called for “a return to the kind of big ideas approach that FDR used to revive the economy during the Great Depression. We can’t afford to wait around for the private sector to make the investments that will be needed to turn things around from the wasteland Trump has inflicted on America.”

“Look at what’s happened during this pandemic,” Biden urged. “The private sector that Trump praises on a daily basis is where all the economic carnage has taken place. It’s there we find shuttered businesses and laid off employees. Compare this to the government sector where no agency has been shuttered and no one has been laid off. The message is clear, if we hope to return America to prosperity, government needs to play a bigger role.”

“A blueprint for investment ideas that will revive the economy can be found in the Green New Deal,” he maintained. “The private sector has to find an efficient way to meet consumer demand. This hampers the pace of investment compared to what the government can do. Government doesn’t need market research to guide its decisions. Huge sums of money can be committed without regard to whether there are any profits down the road. Likewise, government can continue to provide goods and services even if there are no profits—as we have seen the US Post Office do for decades.”

“This November, voters will have a stark choice to make,” the Candidate observed. “They can either choose to continue the fragile capitalistic system that Trump wants to impose on everyone. Or they can escape to the robust alternative I am offering. Government never goes out of business. Government employees never lose their jobs. I think most will vote for the security and stability that a Democratic Administration will deliver.”

In related “big idea” news, Rep. Tim Ryan (D-Ohio) and Rep. Ro Khanna (D-Calif) have introduced legislation that would send a $2,000 check every month to every American over the age of 16 until unemployment falls to pre-pandemic levels. “The beauty of this plan is that this is more than minimum-wage workers are paid,” Ryan boasted. “This pretty much will force businesses to offer more than $2,000 per month to attract needed employees. Even more important, though, is that the unemployment level just before the pandemic was the lowest ever recorded. It’s unlikely we’ll ever match that again, especially if Democrats win control of the White House and both houses of congress in November. This means the $2,000 monthly payments will never end.”

Democrat Endorses Trump

This week, Georgia State Rep. Vernon Jones (D) announced he is supporting President Trump’s reelection. “There are a lot of African Americans who clearly see and appreciate he’s doing something that’s never been done before,” Jones said. “When you look at the unemployment rates among black Americans before the pandemic, they were at historic lows. When we add in his support for historically black colleges and his criminal justice initiatives, Trump has done more for African Americans than any president since Lincoln. I had to endorse his campaign.”

“Compare what Trump has done to what Biden has done,” Jones urged. “A generation of African American families have been devastated by draconian policies that Joe Biden supported and voted for when he served in the U.S. Senate. As a candidate for president Biden’s proposals would do nothing to help African Americans prosper. He is content to keep a large segment of African Americans in welfare Hell.”

The chairwoman of Georgia’s Democratic Party, Nikema Williams vowed “retribution for this disloyalty to the Party. Trump’s insistence on pushing Blacks into the workforce amounts to a return to slavery. The Democratic Party and our presidential nominee Vice-President Biden have worked hard to give our people the lifestyle of subsidized leisure so many currently enjoy. Jones’ undermining of this accomplishment will turn voters against him and the racist president he endorsed.”

Disagreement on Blame for Coronavirus

Sen. Josh Hawley (R-Mo) has introduced legislation called the Justice for Victims of COVID-19 Act. If passed, this bill would enable victims of the virus to sue the Chinese Government for damages. “There is overwhelming evidence that the Chinese Communist Party’s lies, deceit, and incompetence caused COVID-19 to transform from a local disease outbreak into a global pandemic. We need to empower Americans and other victims around the world to recover damages.”

Sen. Chris Murphy (D-Conn) disagreed and insisted that “Trump, not China is to blame for the coronavirus global pandemic. For more than three years I’ve had the chance to observe the depredations wreaked on this country by Trump. He is the most unqualified and dangerous person to ever hold the office of president. Clearly, Trump is the greater threat. Even if the virus came from China—some are persuaded that the US Army started the contagion in the Wuhan Province of China, a clear act of war, in my opinion—Trump has only made it worse by his blunders over the past three months. If the Republican senators had not blocked his conviction on the impeachment charges we wouldn’t be in the mess we’re now in.”

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) sided with Murphy, charging that “Trump’s poor response is the cause of all the suffering in this country. His repeated attempts to blame China and to punish the World Health Organization (WHO) for siding with China are despicable.”

Angered at WHO for repeating the Chinese Governments false statements about the virus, President Trump has temporarily paused US subsidies to WHO pending further investigation of their role in disseminating Chinese propaganda on this issue.

Pelosi labeled this pause “illegal and dangerous. The United States’ contributions are WHO’s largest source of income. President Trump has no authority to stop the flow of this money without congressional approval—which can’t be attained right now because we’re all sheltering-in-place away from Washington. Luckily, I have a year’s supply of fifty different flavors of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream sequestered in my $5,000 super-duper cold freezer in my basement. Faced with the choice of risking my life by traveling to DC to conduct congressional business and staying safe and well-fed on my favorite food…well, it’s a no brainer decision.”

NYC Inflates COVID-19 Death Toll

This week, New York City added 3,700 deaths to its COVID-19 total. Mayor Bill de Blasio’s press secretary Freddi Goldstein explained that “the Mayor pointed out that since the feds are paying $13,000 for each reported COVID-19 death we could improve the City’s financial situation by attributing as many deaths to the virus as we could. So, we went through all the death certificates since the beginning of the year to see which could be plausibly revised to show COVID-19 as the cause of death.”

“Let me give you a couple of examples to illustrate what we’ve done. In cases where a person died at home of natural causes, if that person was older than 65 or lived in a zip code where a majority of persons from that zip code who had been tested for the virus showed up positive for COVID, this person would be counted as having died of COVID. In cases where a person died in a hospital, if any of the nurses or doctors working at the hospital have tested positive for COVID, this person would be counted as having died of COVID. If a body is found on the street with no evidence of foul play, since New York City is a designated COVID hot spot, this person would be counted as having died of COVID.”

“The $48 million in extra revenue from the federal government that we will earn from this reclassification will make a small dent in the deficit that is accruing from the lockdown,” Goldstein added. “The extra COVID deaths may also help the City’s case for an additional $7 billion in federal aid needed to restart the City’s economy.”

Meanwhile, Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D-NY) admitted that “President Trump has delivered for New York. He has quickly responded to meet all of our needs. I just wish he wasn’t so mean to me. He didn’t have to mention that I passed up an opportunity to buy ventilators back in 2015. He didn’t have to mentioned that I discounted the seriousness of the COVID-19 threat six weeks ago. He didn’t have to be so public about having to make up for my errors when everybody else had already forgotten about them.”

Gov Tells Virginians to Adapt to “New Normal”

Gov. Ralph Northam (D-Va) extended his ordered state shutdown to May 8, but isn’t optimistic that business and life “will ever be the same as it used to be.”

“Given that there won’t be a vaccine anytime soon, as well as the probability that, at best, it may only be partially effective, it looks like the COVID virus will be around a long time,” he pointed out. “The shelter-in-place I ordered is working. Not only are we flattening the curve and saving people from dying of the virus, we are also saving people from the perils of unnecessary travel. With less travel there are fewer crashes and the air is less polluted. I’m reluctant to give up these gains.”

“I reject the contention that the cost of the shutdown is too great to bear,” the Governor said. “My order was limited to nonessential activities. While this has required many people to drastically change the way they live, I think it is a good trade-off. Think about it. Is there ever any need to put up with nonessential activities? Isn’t spending time and money on nonessential things an unnecessary burden on society? Between the lives saved and the efficiencies achieved by eliminating the nonessential behaviors we have mindlessly incorporated into our daily routine, it looks to me that adapting to a ‘new normal’ is the way to go.”

Meanwhile in North Carolina, in accord with the orders of Gov. Roy Cooper (D), police broke up a protest against the state’s closed economy on the grounds that “protesting is a ‘nonessential activity’ that is explicitly banned by the governor.”

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Abuse of Authority Intensifies

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Apprised of incidents in which children have been playing inside the homes of friends in their neighborhood, Michigan Gov. Gretchen Whitmer (D) has issued an immediate cease and desist decree. “Stay-at-home means stay at your home,” she explained. “A neighbor’s home is not your home. Neither you nor your children may enter any home other than your own. Violators are subject to fine or imprisonment. For those who imply that I’ve gone too far, let me remind them that Dr. Michael Ryan, epidemiologist and executive director of the World Health Organization’s Health Emergencies Program has recommended forcibly removing family members who represent a health threat to the household. I still have that option in my back pocket.”

In Massachusetts, police ticketed people participating in a church service while seated in their cars for violating the State’s “shelter in place order.” While this was happening Superior Court Judge Heidi Brieger ordered that convicted child rapist Glenn Christie be released from jail “so he won’t die of the coronavirus. Mr. Christie didn’t kill the child he repeatedly raped. He wasn’t sentenced to death. His continued incarceration during this pandemic violates the Constitution’s prohibition of cruel and unusual punishment.”

In Virginia, the Lighthouse Fellowship on Chincoteague Island was fined $2500 for holding a church service for 16 parishioners. Though the 16 were each kept more than ten feet apart in the 293-seat church, a spokesman for Gov. Ralph Northam (D) justified the penalty on the grounds that “the Governor has banned all gatherings of more than ten people, no matter how far apart they may be. The issue is whether people do or don’t obey the rules laid down for them by the State. If they don’t they should expect to be punished.”

In Pennsylvania, Gov. Tom Wolf (D) ordered police to confiscate ventilators from hospitals that had the foresight to be prepared for a medical emergency so they can be transferred to hospitals that did not prepare. Since there is an existing Statewide Mutual Aid Agreement that already provides for assistance among health care organizations to support each other in times of supply, equipment, and/or staffing shortages, many questioned the need for Wolf’s intervention. Wolf explained that “I need to be seen as a decisive leader during this crisis. Ordering people to do something that they’re already doing is a non-obtrusive way for me to get the visibility I need to bolster the voters’ confidence in my role.”

In Vermont, Gov. Phil Scott (R) has ordered stores to stop selling vegetable seeds because “they are nonessential.” He discounted claims that customers needed the seeds to grow their own food, calling them “unqualified. They don’t have ag degrees or any prior experience. Growing food should be left to professional farmers. All others can buy food at the supermarket like normal people do.”

In Los Angeles, Mayor Eric Garcetti is implementing a “snitches get riches” program “to incentivize neighbors to rat each other out for violating my stay-at-home order.” Garcetti contrasted his “more humane approach to the type of intimidation that was so successfully deployed in the former Soviet Union. We will get similar results—widespread obedience—with less bloodshed. Many residents hate their neighbors. This will give them an opportunity to turn that hatred into cash while making the community a better place.”

Biden Shows Trump How to Be Presidential

Invigorated by rival Sen. Bernie Sanders exit from the race for the Democratic presidential nomination, former Vice-President Joe Biden turned his attention to the general election with a flurry of health policy initiatives that he says “will differentiate me from the failed incumbent.”

“Statistics show that more men than women are dying from the coronavirus,” he observed. “Yet, at the same time sex-change surgery has been classified as ‘elective’ rather than ‘essential’ medical care. One of the first actions I will take as president will be to reclassify these surgeries as ‘essential.’ Men should have the option to increase their chances of surviving the pandemic by becoming women. I will ensure that they have this option.”

In place of what he called “the ineffectual measures Trump has taken toward this virus. I have recruited Dr. Ezekiel Emanuel, the genius behind Obamacare, to head up my administration’s medical task force. He has some refreshing and innovative ideas that will totally transform the way we deliver health care in this country.”

One of Emanuel’s “refreshing ideas” is that “no one should want to live past the age of 75. Very few have much to offer society past this age. Most are a net drain on resources. Inasmuch as the coronavirus pretty selectively kills off those older than 75, letting the disease take its course will reduce the burden of having to care for so many individuals of low social value.”

Emanuel also urged that “we should relish the opportunity that the economic shutdown currently in place has given us to test out a radical restructuring of the way we live. By eliminating all nonessential production we have reduced the number of persons who have to work for a living. Only a small minority is required to operate the essential functions. The needs of the many can be met by the toil of the most able and energetic few. Labor-free leisure as a lifestyle for the vast majority is now within our grasp. That vast majority will provide the votes that make the Democratic Party the permanent ruling Party in this country.”

Planned Parenthood Launches Tele-Health Service

While some governors have declared that abortions are an “essential” service that must remain open during the shutdown, others have declared that abortion is a “nonessential” elective surgery. In an effort to overcome the ban on abortions in some states, Planned Parenthood is providing a “do-it-yourself” instructional video service.

“In this time of pandemic it should be clear that getting an abortion is more necessary than ever,” said PP spokesperson Adora Slaughter. “Elective surgeries are procedures that can be postponed without harm. A postponed abortion, though, leads to irreversible harm. An unwanted baby will inevitably be born within a matter of months in every case and have negative ripple effects for decades.”

“In states where we are not permitted to continue this vital health service at our abattoir facilities, patients will be able to view our video tutorial and, with the aid of a don’t-want-to-be-father, perform the procedure at home,” Slaughter advised. “In some important ways, the procedure is simpler than a lot of the recipes that cooking shows lead viewers through as they recreate the tasty dishes of master chefs. For one, the finished product doesn’t have to come out whole. A piece-by-piece extraction can satisfactorily do the job. It may be messier than hiring professionals to do the work, but it allows a woman to accomplish her objective on her own.”

Fauci Defends Exaggerated Death Forecasts

A recent study conducted in an early “hot spot” of COVID-19 in the Gangelt district of Heinsberg concluded that the actual death rate was 0.37%–one-fifth of Germany’s officially reported numbers. In Minnesota, Dr. Scott Jensen says he received a 7-page Center for Disease Control document coaching him to fill out death certificates in a way that overstates the number of COVID-19 deaths. He also suggested that the payment rules giving a hospital a “bonus” for attributing a death to this virus might also skew the official data.

White House adviser Dr. Anthony Fauci brushed aside the above reports, calling them “anecdotal and unreliable. Whether they might be true isn’t as important as the fact that they do not convey the message we were trying to communicate that the population needed to be sequestered in order to slow the spread of the disease. Do you think people would’ve willingly yielded their freedom of movement if they knew that the chance of dying from this virus was less than half of one-percent and that most of that was comprised of elderly persons with prior severe health issues?”

“It was imperative that we shock people into obedience to directives that under normal circumstances would’ve been considered extreme and even tyrannical,” Fauci explained. “It was for their own good and for the good of society. We flattened the curve and have spread the inevitable death toll over many months rather than have had it compacted into a shorter time frame. This extended many eventual victims’ lives by a few months. Isn’t that a valuable achievement?”

“We are also able to enjoy the benefits of lower traffic and less automobile pollution during the shutdown,” the Doctor pointed out. “Maybe people will come to realize that being shut in their homes isn’t all bad if it means we can have cleaner air and a cleaner environment. Maybe they will realize that having to work so hard just so they can buy more useless stuff isn’t as appealing as enjoying more leisure and a more modest lifestyle living on a government stipend. This pandemic gave us the chance to experience a new way of life that we may find is better than the old rut everyone was forced into under capitalism.”

Pelosi Refuses to Condemn Looting

Many of the “nonessential” businesses in House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s hometown of San Francisco have been looted. Others are boarding up all their windows in a desperate attempt to discourage looters.

Pelosi averred that “we shouldn’t be too quick to condemn people who are only trying to survive in tough times. Unemployment is at heights we haven’t seen in decades. Many have no incomes. On top of this, when times were better many of these businesses were price-gouging. So, I can see where there might be pent up anger driving some of the expropriations taking place.”

“I would advise people to take the time to consider whether what they call looting isn’t justifiable redistribution of property,” she recommended. “Who should own the goods hidden behind the boarded-up windows? Those who have legal title under our antiquated laws? Or those who need them? The only problem I see is that the do-it-yourself redistribution is inefficient. A lot of the merchandise gets damaged. Some who lack the skill to take what they need are left out of the redistribution attained by the looters. The Democratic Party has been aware of the inequities and inefficiencies inherent in our current economic arrangements for decades. If voters give our Party a majority in Congress and control of the presidency this November we can fix these problems.”

Schiff Demands FEC Fine Trump Campaign

While front line health professionals are waging a 24/7 battle to care for COVID-19 patients, the Trump campaign has been using donated funds to buy meals to feed some of these workers. Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif), leader of the recent attempt to impeach and remove President Trump from office, is demanding that the Federal Election Commission penalize the campaign for “this misappropriation of campaign funds.”

“Campaign funds are supposed to be used for campaign activities, not acts of benevolence,” Schiff complained. “Donors give campaign contributions expecting that it will be used to win elections or purchase favorable laws or policies. The sort of deviation that the Trump organization is engaged in is unfair to those of us who follow the rules.”

Schiff expressed the hope that “the FEC will come down hard on these guys. Maybe fines triple the amount they spent on the donated meals, ankle-bracelets for the campaign staff guilty of this infringement, and phone-taps to help deter future repetition of any similar illegal uses of funds. Meanwhile, I will be adding this charge to the next impeachment motion the House files against President Trump.”

Brad Parscale, manager for Trump’s 2020 reelection campaign, dismissed Schiff’s accusation as “pure nonsense. We are not only campaigners for Trump. We are also human beings. We are confident that the people who have donated to the President’s reelection approve of our effort to show appreciation for those busy saving lives during this health crisis. Our donors are also normal human beings. I shudder to imagine what kind of people donate to the campaign of someone as vile and reprehensible as Mr. Schiff.”

Democrat Denounced for Praising Trump

Michigan Democratic state Rep. Karen Whitsett praised President Trump for mentioning hydroxychloroquine. “It saved my life,” she said. “If he hadn’t talked about it on TV I never would have known to ask my doctor to prescribe it for me.”

Michigan’s Democratic Gov. Gretchen Whitmer expressed extreme displeasure “with Ms. Whitsett’s selfish behavior. The Democratic Party is battling to save the country from this monster getting reelected. The last thing we need is for one of our own to break ranks and praise him for anything.”

“First of all, there is no proof that this drug saved Ms. Whitsett’s life,” Whitmer argued. “Dr. Fauci, the nation’s foremost expert on coronavirus, says that the drug is unproven and dangerous. But even if it did, Ms. Whitsett putting her own survival ahead of the Party’s needs is unforgivably disloyal. She should have died before she said anything to undermine our Party’s primary objective. I just hope her words are forgotten by election day.”

Did China Burn Virus Victims Alive?

Residents of Wuhan, China claim to have heard the screams of coronavirus victims being burned alive in the local funeral home crematorium. While there is no official confirmation of this happening, it would account for the gap between the government’s admitted 3,000+ deaths and the seeming disappearance of more than 20,000 individuals from the town since the epidemic began.

On the other hand, Tedros Adhanom, head of the World Health Organization credited “the Chinese Government’s extreme intervention for crushing the epidemic. They didn’t hesitate to confine people in their homes, even going so far as to weld them inside if necessary. Did they burn anybody alive? Possibly, but sometimes harsh methods are warranted by dire circumstances. So I wouldn’t be so hasty to condemn them if they did.”

“I ask that critics compare China’s firm approach with the weak actions of Trump,” Adhanon urged. “Trump merely asked people to wash their hands and socially distance themselves. He didn’t order them to do anything. He even suggested that patients and doctors should have the freedom to try unproven therapies. What he should have done is made everyone wait until a vaccine is ready and mandate that everyone take it, like his adviser Dr. Fauci wants to do.”

The earliest a vaccine is expected to be available for combating the COVID-19 virus is twelve to eighteen months. Based on past experience with flu vaccines, it is unlikely that a vaccine for COVID-19 would be effective for most recipients.

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Schumer Appalled by Trump Letter

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) expressed his disgust at “Trump’s unpresidential response to my criticism of his failures. Rather than graciously acknowledge his deficiencies and resign from office, he defended his leadership during the COVID-19 crisis, corrected my so-called inaccuracies, and called me a bad senator.”

Trump rebutted the Senator’s criticisms by pointing out that “his demand that I appoint a ‘czar’ to lead us in this crisis conveniently ignores the fact that Vice-President Pence has already been appointed to head up our effort and that Rear Admiral John Polowczyk is in charge of purchasing and distributing medical supplies. His complaint that I have left the states to fend for themselves is demonstrably false. We have given lots of aid to his state of New York—much of it to make up for shortages resulting from prior poor decisions by Governor Cuomo.”

Schumer jumped at the chance to disprove Trump’s assertion that New York state officials were slow to take effective action against the virus, “why just yesterday, the legislature agreed to increase Gov. Cuomo’s salary to $250,000 by 2021. This will make him the highest paid governor in the United States. Clearly, this shows that the Party appreciates Gov. Cuomo’s earlier decision to save New York from having to pay $600 million for 16,000 ventilators that the federal government is now going to give us free of charge. He also lead a drive to shut down hospitals. Now the feds are giving us new hospitals, also free of charge. Gov. Cuomo is smarter than all the other governors who foolishly made their own taxpayers fund emergency medical supplies. That shows the kind of heads-up thinking that the country needs from our next president.”

Biden to Take “Hands-on” Approach to Find Running Mate

The presumptive Democratic presidential nominee, former Vice-President Joe Biden renewed his pledge “to have a woman be my running mate” and vowed he will “take a hands-on approach to vetting the field of contenders.”

One that has recently garnered Biden’s attention is Michigan Gov. Gretchen Whitmer. “She looks like she has what it will take to serve under me when I’m president,” he said. “That 180 degree turn she took on that malaria drug—first banning it in her state, then demanding the feds supply her with it—showed that she has moves. She also has some of the most alluring hair I’ve never touched.”

“I’m not saying she’s the one, though,” the Veep added. “There are others I’ve got to feel out to see if they measure up to my expectations and needs as head-of-state. As I recall, there were a few women in some of those debates that might do, though I can’t remember their names right now. And let’s not forget the transgenders. Jill and I have always liked the transgenders. Having someone like Georgia Gov. Stacey Abrams as my vice-president would be historic.”

Pelosi Calls for Investigation

This week, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) announced the creation of the House Select Committee on the Coronavirus Crisis. House Intelligence Committee Chairman Adam Schiff (D-Calif), leader of this year’s unsuccessful attempt to remove Trump from office via impeachment, is expected to head up this ad hoc committee.

President Trump has questioned the timing of this announcement and suggested that “we win the war against this virus rather than wasting precious time and scarce resources trying to allocate blame now. After we’ve won this war we can assess what went wrong and what went right so we can be better prepared for future medical emergencies.”

To bolster his suggestion, Trump recalled that “when Gov. Dewey—one of the great New York governors—was running against FDR in the 1944 election there were some urging him to support a congressional investigation of the Pearl Harbor disaster and why we were unprepared for the Japanese attack. While acknowledging that such an investigation might help him win the election, he declined to support it saying ‘I’d rather lose an election than lose a war.’ He put patriotism ahead of politics. Why can’t we do that now?”

“Need I point out that Dewey lost that election?” Pelosi retorted. “Given that Trump is a far more serious threat to the country than the virus, I can assure you that we Democrats will not be using Dewey as a model for us to emulate. Despite our best efforts over the past three years to save the nation from the incompetence and evil intent manifested by Trump, the peril has only grown worse. We owe it to the American people to use any means and every opportunity to end the nightmare that began on November 8, 2016 as soon as possible. If our inquiry distracts Trump from carrying out his inept actions during the crisis, so much the better.”

In other insane news, Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) and Rep. Ayanna Pressley (D-Mass) are demanding that Health and Human Services Secretary Alex Azar compile statistics on the race of COVID-19 patients. “We need to know whether minorities are suffering in numbers disproportionate to their share of the total population,” Warren said. “If they are that will be more evidence of the racist impacts of the Trump Administration’s handling of this crisis.”

New IG Report Reveals Rampant Corruption in FISA Program

While the news is inundated with stories about the COVID-19 pandemic, Inspector General of the Department of Justice Michael Horowitz issued a new report on the FISA program. His terse conclusion that “we do not have confidence in FBI policy compliance” grossly understated the gravity of the Agency’s transgressions.

The most alarming finding in this report is that 96% of the FISA applications requesting permission to spy on American citizens contained serious errors or omissions. These included “unverified, inaccurate, and inadequately supported allegations” that were used to get the FISA court to authorize the spying.

James Comey, FBI Director overseeing these defective requests to spy on Americans, insists that “these were all honest mistakes. Maybe we were a little sloppy in our zeal to prevent the unqualified Donald Trump from being elected president and exercising the powers entrusted to that office, but our intentions were good.”

As proof of his own good intentions, Comey pointed out that former CIA director John Brennan and former director of national intelligence James Clapper “also spied on Americans and lied about it under oath when they testified before Congress. When all the top intelligence professionals are simultaneously breaking the law and lying about it you’ve got to figure they have darn good cause for doing it.”

Petty Tyranny Pops Up Around the USA

Malibu, California: A man paddle-boarding in the Pacific Ocean off the coast was arrested and taken away in handcuffs for violating the state’s social distancing rules. He now faces a fine of up to $1,000 and/or a jail stint of up to six months. Earlier in the week, a lone surfer was arrested and fined $1,000. A spokesperson for Gov. Gavin Newsom explained that “while the fact that this perp was more than hundreds of feet from any other person might seem to be within the guidelines, it is not up to individuals to make this interpretation for themselves. Yes, being outdoors to exercise is one of the activities permitted under the stay-at-home order. However, if we are barring pick-up basketball games, which are very popular forms of exercise among African-American youths, it would be racist to allow options favored by whites. The deprivation and suffering must be racially balanced.”

San Francisco: A lone protester praying outside a Planned Parenthood abortion clinic was arrested for violating Gov. Newsom’s stay-at-home order. The arresting officer explained that “even though he was more than the specified ten feet from persons entering and leaving the facility, praying is not exercising. Neither is his contention that the Constitution’s First Amendment right to freedom of religion and freedom of speech takes precedence over the Governor’s order. During a health emergency individual rights must be put aside and everyone obey the orders they are given by their government.”

Laredo, Texas: The city council passed an ordinance requiring all persons over the age of 5 to have their nose and mouth covered when entering public buildings, using public transportation, and pumping gas. Additionally, anyone who is outside his or her residence between the hours of 10 pm and 5 am must have a letter of permission from a recognized authority. Violators are subject to a $1,000 fine or 180 days imprisonment. Thus far, three persons have died with the COVID-19 virus out of a total city population of more than 260,000.

Vermont: The Agency of Commerce and Community Development has ordered Walmart and Target to stop selling nonessential items. Secretary Lindsay Kurrle explained that “even though it might be convenient for consumers to buy such items while they’re shopping for groceries in these stores, it would be unfair to the clothing, housewares, and other stores that have been ordered closed by the governor.”

New York City: Mayor Bill de Blasio threatened to “permanently shut down any church or synagogue that refuses to obey Governor Cuomo’s ‘stay-at-home’ order. No one has the right to endanger the community by failing to comply with the directives of those in charge. Religion is the opiate of the masses. Praying to a non-existent God is a waste of time that can only be tolerated when it doesn’t interfere with the needs of the state.”

Washington, DC: Mayor Muriel Bowser has decreed that anyone who violates his “stay-at-home” order will be faced with a $5,000 fine and 90 days in jail. Mercedes Schlapp, an adviser to President Trump’s re-election campaign, questioned the sanity of this order. “Locking up curfew violators with the kinds of violent criminals that inhabit the City’s jails seems a cruel punishment for such a mild offense,” she tweeted. “And the $5,000 fine seems excessive.” Bowser replied “if you can’t do the time, don’t commit the crime” and added “the $5,000 fine is needed to cover the cost of the violator’s incarceration.”

Mayor Asks Criminals to Postpone Predatory Behavior

Houston Mayor Sylvester Turner went on TV to try to persuade criminals “to wait until the COVID-19 pandemic eases up, before you go out to rob, rape, or murder someone. I know you have needs. I know you have scores to settle. But the risk to your own health at this time is too great. Prey on the wrong person and you could get sick and maybe die. I’m not asking you to give up your careers or stifle your passions. I’m just advising you to be patient so you can violate the law later without undue risk to yourself.”

In related news, the ACLU has called for the release of all prisoners in the COVID-19 high-risk group. Spokesman Bertram Petty charged that “keeping these people confined in jails amounts to a death sentence. We also call for a moratorium on arrests for similar reasons. Putting more people behind bars during the pandemic will lead to more people coming down with the virus. This is an unacceptable violation of their human rights.”

In response, California Gov. Gavin Newsom commuted the sentences of 14 murderers to “time-served” and authorized their immediate release. “We don’t want these men’s blood on our hands,” he explained. “They were sentenced to life or lengthy prison terms, not death.”

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.nistration.”

Dems Demonstrate Leadership

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

In the midst of the coronavirus pandemic, Bill and Hillary Clinton donated more than 400 pizzas to all of the hospitals in their home county of Westchester, NY. The donation was heralded by a tweet from Hillary “thanking medical workers and everyone else who is working to save lives and keep us all going right now.”

Angela Cirilli, an emergency medicine ultrasound director at St John’s Riverside Hospital, tweeted her gratitude saying “Amazing !!! Thank you !!!! We NEED LEADERS LIKE YOU in this tough time.”

A spokesperson for the Clintons contrasted “this unprecedented act of generosity with Trump’s failure to answer Gov. Cuomo’s heart-felt pleas for more ventilators. His insistence that New York use the stockpile they have on hand before demanding more is heartless.”

Meanwhile, Cuomo called the $40 billion in aid earmarked for his state in the recently passed Coronavirus Aid, Relief, and Economic Security (CARES) Act “irresponsibly inadequate. The money is restricted to covering only coronavirus-related expenses. As a high-tax state, though, our government coffers are being especially hard hit by the statewide economic shutdown I ordered. As president of the whole country, it is Trump’s duty to transfer resources from low-tax states to help cover our revenue losses.”

Ironically, Cuomo passed up an opportunity to replenish ventilator supplies during 2015’s state budget negotiations—opting instead for a triage approach based on each patient’s “social value score” to allocate the existing 4,000 ventilators on-hand at the time. Money that could have been spent on ventilators then was instead used to print thousands of “I love New York” banners for distribution and display at various locations around the state. In his defense, Cuomo pointed out that “President Obama was also cutting expenditures for the Centers for Disease Control around that time. Why should I be held to a higher standard than a Nobel Prize winner?”

Since Cuomo took over as governor, 174 New York City hospitals have been closed. Trump has sent a navy hospital ship with 1,000 beds to New York City. The Governor expressed a modicum of appreciation, but pointed out “this is only a stop-gap measure. When the crisis passes this ship will sail away. The federal government needs to fund construction of new permanent hospitals with the CARES Act money.”

Dem Governors Ban Virus Therapy

In Michigan, Gov. Half Whitmer (D) warned doctors and pharmacists that their licenses could be revoked if they prescribe hydroxychloroquine or chloroquine to patients suffering from COVID-19. In Nevada, Gov. Steve Sisolak (D) also barred doctors from prescribing these drugs for COVID-19.

Sisolak explained that “there is no proof that these drugs are effective in treating this virus. Until there is proof we cannot allow patients to be subjected to a possibly ineffective therapy.” The Governor argued that “this action wouldn’t have been necessary if Trump hadn’t endorsed these drugs on national TV.”

These bans run directly contrary to President Trump’s “right to try” philosophy regarding medical care. “I’m not saying that these drugs are THE CURE,” he reminded. “There have been reports from doctors who have tried these drugs and the results have been encouraging. Since these drugs have been off patent for decades they are inexpensive. If attending physicians and their patients want to try these drugs, I don’t think the government should stop them from doing what they think is best for their health and survival.”

Comedian Says “Trump Is Trying to Kill Me”

Kathy Griffin, the “comedian” who sent her career into a tailspin with repeated barrages of vicious and intemperate jibes at President Trump, the most infamous of which was a picture of her holding what appeared to be his severed head, recently checked into a hospital and demanded she be tested for COVID-19. Since her symptoms didn’t meet the guidelines, the hospital refused.

After examining the patient, the hospital doctor diagnosed her ailment as a “stomach infection,” gave her a prescription and sent her home. Griffin contends that this diagnosis “was politically tainted. I’ve been on a ‘blacklist’ ever since I tried to use my freedom of speech to call attention to Trump’s lack of qualifications to be president. At first, this just meant that a lot of places refused to book my gigs. Now, apparently, it means I can’t get the same go-to-the-head-of-the-line privileges that are normally afforded to celebrities. Trashing my career, denying me the medical care I want—clearly Trump is trying to kill me.”

Griffin said she has “asked Gov. Newsom to intervene on my behalf.” However, the Governor’s office has demurred, saying that “President Trump has been exceptionally attentive and expeditious in addressing our needs and concerns. All of the state’s medical professionals have been doing an outstanding job of allocating tests and treatments to those who need them. We will not besmirch them for correctly following procedures and ignoring the hysterical ravings of one disappointed woman.”

Plastic Bag Ban Temporarily Lifted

Publicly acknowledging that reusable bags spread germs, Boston Mayor Marty Walsh has temporarily lifted the City’s ban on using disposable plastic bags to carry merchandise out of stores. Gov. Charlie Baker (R) bolstered this move by banning reusable bags statewide and allowing merchants to offer plastic bags in their place while the COVID-19 pandemic persists.

Numerous studies have amply demonstrated that reusable bags are infested with pathogens. It is one thing to allow anti-plastic zealots to carry them around. It is yet another for such bags to be made the only legal option for shoppers. Plastic bags became dominant in a free market because of their convenience, efficiency, and safety. Forcing everyone to use less convenient, less efficient and less safe reusable bags makes no sense.

Yet, both the mayor and governor insist that lifting the ban on plastic bags will be only a temporary respite from the baleful effects of the reusable bags. “Mandating that people rely on reusable bags has a ‘feel good’ quality to it,” Baker said. “It doesn’t seem wasteful like the single-use plastic bag does. People can easily imagine that they’re doing something good for the environment.”

Walsh pointed out that “in my opinion, the extra risk posed by reusable bags is relatively small compared to the psychological benefits gained from the belief that you are somehow helping the environment to be more pristine. And who’s to say that hauling around harmful microbes when you shop doesn’t help build a stronger ‘herd immunity’ in the long run?”

Mayor Sees “Silver Lining” in Pandemic

Los Angeles Mayor Eric Garcetti urged that “we look on the bright side of the current pandemic. Sure there are inconveniences that must be endured, but there is also a ‘silver lining.’ Consider the positive developments we have observed so far.”

“The widespread fear of the contagion has inspired a much higher rate of public cooperation with the autocratic measures we have seen fit to impose,” the Mayor pointed out. “We tell people to go to their homes and stay there. Almost everyone obeys. For the few who don’t we cut off their electricity and water—making their lives hellish and squalid.”

“With the streets cleared of potential victims, muggings have decreased,” Garcetti bragged. “Since no one is supposed to be out and about it is easier for police to intercept would-be burglars and rapists before they can make it to the homes and businesses they plan to break into.”

“All this has been achieved by ordering nonessential activities to cease,” he marveled. “I think we need to consider whether we should make the lock-down permanent. Why should we ever let nonessential activities resume after the virus crisis has passed? Doesn’t the ‘nonessential’ designation tell us that these activities are unnecessary drains on the collective well-being? If the government can divert all resources to only essential activities wouldn’t everyone be better off? This crisis has shown us a new way forward toward the progressive ideal we Democrats have been trying to bestow upon the population.”

Study Contradicts COVID-19 Media Narrative

Despite a cacophony of criticisms directed at President Trump’s handling of the COVID pandemic claiming it was too hasty, it’s too sluggish, it’s anti-science, and racist, a study by the Johns Hopkins Center for Health Security (JHCHS) published in late 2019 found that the United States was more prepared for a pandemic than any other country in the world.

MSNBC anchor Andrea Mitchell dismissed the Study’s findings, calling them “myopic in scope. The preparedness index was narrowly focused on medical issues like quantities of hospitals, doctors, equipment and medicines. It totally overlooked the political downside of generating a favorable image of Trump among voters. Everyday, Trump appears on TV giving updates on the status of the disease and the progress his team is making to overcome it. Meanwhile, Vice-President Biden pointed out that even if the US was the best prepared we still were only 87 percent ready. Trump’s failure to get us 100 percent ready shows his incompetence. Biden’s hard-hitting assessment has been mostly ignored. I fear that the lesser danger of the virus is laying the groundwork for the greater danger of Trump’s reelection.”

It’s not that Biden hasn’t been trying to garner more attention. His intended “shadow” briefings on the pandemic have not gone particularly well, what with the gaffes and technical mishaps marring his presentation. His virtual “happy hour” had an average viewership of less than 3,000 for the full length of the sixty-minute program.

Then, too, there is the accusation made by former staffer Tara Reade that he reached inside her skirt and fondled her back in 1993. Biden called Reade’s accusation “cruel and insensitive. It was an honest mistake. I thought I was reaching under my kilt to scratch myself, groping around trying to find my Johnson before I remembered I wasn’t wearing a kilt that day. If Tara’s plaid skirt hadn’t looked so much like the Biden Clan plaid I don’t think I would’ve mistaken it for my kilt. So, it’s partly her fault.”

Pelosi Mocks Trump’s Desire to Get America Back to Work

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) mocked President Trump’s desire to reopen shuttered businesses as soon as possible, calling it “totally irrational. Studies have shown that unemployment compensation is the super fuel for economic prosperity. With unemployment benefits a person has both an income and freedom from labor. Trump would throw this ideal away by forcing individuals to sacrifice their leisure in order to earn and income.”

The Speaker suggested that “Trump doesn’t understand science. When you can maximize income while minimizing effort your return on investment is the best it can be. The current medical crisis is giving us the opportunity to carry out a real-life experiment that will prove the truth of what I’m saying and the Democratic Party has been working to achieve since the days of FDR. The myth of capitalism is that wealth must be created by arduous effort under the guidance of investors and management. The steps that have been taken by many governors to confine people to their homes combined with the trillion dollar aid package Congress just passed will once-and-for-all show voters that the progressive model for running the country—living and thriving without toil—will restore humanity to the Garden of Eden that God intended for all of us.”

Biden Touts Chinese Nostrum for COVID-19

Former Vice-President Joe Biden sharply criticized President Trump for “pushing an unproven malaria drug as a cure for the virus. A couple in Arizona poisoned themselves by taking it. My son has used his business connections in China to secure millions of doses of a traditional folk remedy for respiratory ailments. It’s a formula comprised of bear bile, goat horn and dried fruit.”

“It’s time for us to undo the mistakes of the previous administration,” Biden said. “So today, I am issuing an executive order for the Health and Human Services Department to purchase as many doses as Hunter can round up. I have heard the pleas of the long-suffering Gov. Cuomo and Mayor de Blasio. Unlike the incompetent Trump, I am ordering that all New York City residents be immediately inoculated for a clinical study of this formula.”

In related news, Rhode Island Gov. Gina Raimondo (D) has ordered the National Guard “to conduct a statewide house-to-house search for refugees from the New York City virus epicenter. Everyone we find will be put on buses. When each bus is full it will be driven to New York City where the passengers will be able to receive the bear bile injections promised by the Biden AdmiA

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.nistration.”

 

Ayatollah Says It’s Okay to Accept Vaccine from Israel

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Reports that Israel may soon produce a vaccine for the coronavirus prompted Iran’s Grand Ayatollah Naser Makarem Shirazi to say “it’s okay for Muslims to accept it.” The revered cleric cited an instance in the Prophet Muhammad’s life to support his ruling.

“Mohammed was the first man to receive Allah’s command to exterminate the Jews,” he pointed out. “Yet, there came a moment when he agreed to a truce with these vermin that both sides should lay down their arms. When the Jewish army complied with this agreement the Prophet ordered them seized and beheaded.”

“If Muslims are to obey the command to slay the Jews we must survive,” the Ayatollah explained. “If the Jews in their greed are willing to sell us a medicine that helps us to survive, it is our right to take this medicine so we may live to carry out our religious obligation to rid the world of Jews when we are well enough to do so. We must not make the same mistake that Hitler made by allowing a Jew named Einstein to escape his grasp and carry the knowledge of how to build the atom bomb over to his enemies. Hitler could have won the war and had the opportunity to thoroughly exterminate Satan’s spawn.”

Pelosi Defends Abortion-Funding Clause in Coronavirus Bill

President Trump’s hope for bipartisan legislation to combat the coronavirus pandemic was put in doubt when House Democrats tried to include non-pertinent add-on spending to it. A particularly egregious add-on was a provision that would authorize spending federal funds on abortions.

After the U.S. Supreme Court declared that women had a right to abort unwanted babies up to the third trimester in its 1973 Roe v. Wade ruling, Rep. Henry Hyde (R-Ill) led a bipartisan majority to enact a law barring the use of taxpayer funds to provide abortions. His reasoning was that since many taxpayers considered abortion to be murder, they shouldn’t be compelled to finance it.

Since some members of her party opposed adding this provision to the coronavirus emergency bill, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) was unable to garner a enough votes to support passage with language that included the abortion funding. Nevertheless, she still insists that “funding desperately needed abortions must be a critical element of the fight against the coronavirus pandemic. Every child born is a future potential victim of the virus. Parents who want to spare their children from suffering and possibly dying from this dreaded new disease should not be denied this human right just because they can’t afford to pay for their own abortions.”

“Individuals who have moral objections to abortion have a civic duty to put aside their personal beliefs for the sake of the collective well-being of society,” the Speaker asserted. “Under our laws, abortion is not considered murder. For us to continue to tolerate idiosyncratic objections under the pretense of a moral code that has no legal foundation only rewards the inherent selfishness of these deviants. We need to take heed of China’s more enlightened approach to religion. There, religious freedom is bounded by the necessity to comply with the moral directives decreed by a government that has placed the good of the whole ahead of the objections of a minority.”

Media Dolts Praise “Courageous” and “Charming” Biden

In a campaign stop at a Michigan automobile factory, Democratic presidential candidate former Vice-President Joe Biden verbally chastised a worker, called him a “horse’s ass,” and threatened to “slap you in the face.” The worker’s offense was to disagree with Biden’s position on gun control.

Atlantic writer David Frum called Biden’s outburst “terrific. I think this lays to rest the contention that the Vice-President isn’t up to the job of running the country. This was the kind of language the working class voters can appreciate. Joe is the father figure they’ve all been waiting for—a no nonsense guy who puts their juvenile ideas into their proper place.”

Frum alleged that “Trump is too much of a coward to tell it like it is. He’d let every yokel out there decide for himself whether he wants to exercise his so-called Second Amendment right to bear arms, rather than calmly explain why the government has to limit firearm ownership to only those who can show a true need. Biden has already signaled that he will appoint ‘hell yes, we’re going to take your AR-15, your AK-47′ Beto O’ Rourke as his ‘guns czar’ when he is president.”

CNN’s John King found Biden’s charge that the worker was “full of sh*t” to be “charming. It’s authentic and earthy. Reminds me of the kind of vulgarity that LBJ displayed from time-to-time. And he won a landslide victory over Barry Goldwater in 1964. I think verbally slapping down a ‘gun-rights’ voter will work in Joe’s favor among Democrats.”

Pelosi Condemns “Bigoted” Tweet

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) demanded that House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy (R-Calif) apologize for mentioning that the coronavirus originated in China. “Bigoted statements which spread misinformation and blame Asians for the coronavirus make us all less safe,” she claimed. “This is just more of Trump’s ‘America first’ garbage. The Chinese government doesn’t agree that this disease originated in their country. Their theory is that the US Army covertly introduced the coronavirus by planting infected bats in Wuhan restaurants where unsuspecting gourmands would eat them and get sick.”

“Sadly, McCarthy isn’t the only racist to unfairly implicate China,” the Speaker added. “Secretary of State Mike Pompeo, Sen. Tom Cotton (R-Ark), and Rep. Paul Gosar (R-Ariz) have each had their turn at it.”

McCarthy characterized Pelosi’s statement as “another in a long line of political smears that have supplanted civil discussion from the Democratic side of the aisle. Historically, it has been common to identify new diseases by their place of origin. A few weeks ago the media itself—including the Washington Post, NBC, and CNN—were using the phrases ‘Chinese coronavirus’ and ‘Wuhan virus’ to describe this new disease. Are they all racists too?”

NY Solution to Hand Sanitizer Shortage Inspires Sanders

Fear of the coronavirus has led to a run on hand sanitizer supplies leaving store shelves empty of the product. In New York, Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D) announced that inmates in the state’s prisons are now producing hand sanitizer at a cost of only $6.10 per gallon.

Contender for the Democratic presidential nomination Sen. Bernie Sanders (Vt) hailed this as “a model for how we take profiteering out of the process of meeting the needs of the people. Instead of allowing billionaires to rip off their customers we’ll put them to work while they are behind bars. We’ll convert them from being capitalist exploiters into honest laborers for the common good.”

A second aspect of the hand sanitizer solution that Sanders found admirable is that “the product won’t be sold in the markets, but will be distributed on the basis of need. Rather than having a corporate board of directors setting prices based on what the market will bear, government officials will be determining who are the most deserving recipients. This ensures that social justice will triumph over selfishness.”

“We are fortunate that a disease pandemic has had the ‘silver lining’ of illustrating how true socialism can work miracles for the benefit of humanity,” the Senator observed. “Where the market has failed, the State of New York has pioneered a remedy. Using prisoners keeps costs low. Since the state provides their room-and-board for free, they’re satisfied to work for only 65 cents per hour. We are slowly relearning the truths demonstrated in the Soviet Gulags where social and political misfits were put to work for the common good. If we can overcome our ill-placed squeamishness, we can also harness these techniques for transforming our country.”

In related news, Sanders has vowed to give a nonstop speech to America for the duration of the coronavirus pandemic. He modestly explained that “it’s the least I can do in this time of crisis. I have no medical skills or knowledge to contribute, but I do have the stamina to try to entertain those self-quarantined at home. There are many stories of heroic socialists—like Lenin who executed the Tsar and his family, Stalin who executed the counterrevolutionaries, and Fidel who executed the capitalist parasites—that I can tell to help boost everyone’s spirits.”

AOC Says Refusal to Eat in Chinese Restaurants “Racist”

Leary of the coronavirus, some people are avoiding eating in Chinese restaurants. Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) has branded people who do this “racists.” She, herself, doesn’t eat in Chinese restaurants, but insisted “I’m not racist because only whites can be racist.”

“Actually, it would be cultural inappropriate for me, a person of Puerto Rican descent, to eat Chinese food,” she maintained. “I only eat Puerto Rican food, as is appropriate for a person of my racial background.”

CBO Urges High School Grads to Forgo College

The Congressional Budget Office (CBO) released an assessment of the cost of a college education and advised recent high school graduates planning on getting one to “save your money. You’re going to need it to help pay down the student debt of those foolish enough to have already incurred the cost of earning a degree.”

The CBO report found that “a glut of graduates without marketable skills has led to a crash in the salaries many of them counted on to repay the loans they took out to be able to afford going to college. What America needs now is for more high school grads to enter the workforce and get real jobs producing products and services that consumers are willing to pay for. Not only will this likely boost individual gains, but it will also produce surpluses that can be taxed away to cover the losses the government has suffered from student-loan defaults. It may seem kind of a raw deal for one generation to have to pay the debts of a preceding generation, but sometimes sacrifices have to be made for the common good.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Bill Clinton Touts Sex for Anxiety Relief

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Former President Bill Clinton is aggrieved that “I was persecuted for trying to ease my anxieties with sexual healing. Throughout history, powerful men have been allowed to consort with concubines or mistresses as a way to recharge after the stress of ruling a nation. Every Chinese emperor had a whole room full of compliant women. Henry VIII of England had mistresses all around the country. Yet, I was mercilessly hounded for my casual relationships aimed at achieving a similar relief.”

Clinton expressed a bit of remorse “that Monica Lewinsky’s life may have been ruined by the notoriety after our relationship was exposed, but that wasn’t my fault. It was the Republicans and the media that made it into an unnecessary scandal. They’re the ones that should be ashamed.”

One person who isn’t the least bit sympathetic toward Clinton’s “persecution” is Juanita Broaddrick—a woman who has accused him of raping her in 1978. “I guess the stress of being Arkansas Attorney General must have been so unbearable that he couldn’t make the effort to find a willing sexual partner,” she wryly commented. “The kind of privilege he thinks he is entitled to is the privilege of tyrants. We are supposed to be a nation where everyone is equal under the laws. Except for having to pay civil damages to one victim of his lewd advances—a penalty funded by other people’s money—he has escaped the just consequences of his predatory behavior. This set a horrible example that probably encouraged similar depredations by the likes of Jeffery Epstein and Harvey Weinstein—both of whom were Clinton cronies and donors before their crimes were exposed.”

In related news, Hillary Clinton claims, “I’m the most investigated innocent person in America. In 2016, as then FBI Director James Comey pointed out, there’s nothing illegal about a high government official keeping classified documents on her own personal devices. The fact that I deleted all these records and destroyed all the devices once I perceived a threat showed that I was taking appropriate measures. If it weren’t for Weiner’s sexting prompting Comey to make an October statement linking my name to that scandal I would be president today. So, clearly, I’ve been the biggest loser in the worst miscarriage of justice in our nation’s history.”

Dems Make Bizarre Remarks About Supreme Court Case

As the US Supreme Court was hearing arguments over a Louisiana law aimed at protecting the lives of babies who survive an abortion procedure, Sen. Charles Schumer (NY) was addressing a mob outside the courtroom. During his rant, he warned Justices Gorsuch and Kavanaugh that “you will pay the price. You won’t know what hit you if you go forward with these awful decisions.” Presumably, the “awful decision” would be to uphold the state law protecting abortion survivors.

After numerous criticisms from both Republicans and Democrats, Schumer attempted to justify what he said by characterizing it as “an expression of concern for the safety” of the two men. “It was only four years ago when a Supreme Court Justice died under mysterious circumstances. That Justice had issued numerous opinions of a similar offensive nature. I was trying to warn Gorsuch and Kavanaugh to not make the same kind of mistake on the case currently before the Court.”

The senator also pointed out that “we’re talking about only a very tiny minority of individuals who might benefit from this law. The vast majority of abortions go through without there being a survivor. I question the value of a law that would result in creating rights for this minority, especially when these rights explicitly contradict the wishes of the mothers of these undesired individuals. Shouldn’t the good of the greater number outweigh the purported right to life of the few?”

Meanwhile, two members of the left-wing “squad” in the House of Representatives also vehemently criticized the possibility the Court might uphold the Louisiana law. Rep. Ayanna Pressley (Mass) charged that “upholding this law will infringe on racial justice” because “it will disproportionately prevent Black women from aborting their unwanted children. Blacks make up only 13 percent of the population, but have 36 percent of the abortions. If this law is upheld how many more Blacks will be forced into the labor force by Trump’s policies when they could’ve been safely rescued from this fate by a timely termination?”

Rep. Rashida Tlaib (Mich) claimed that the Louisiana law “would do irreparable harm to my sex life. What man would want to have sex with me knowing that a potential offspring might not be successfully aborted?” Rep. Ilhan Omar Minn) alleged that the law is “only the latest in a long history of efforts to criminalize women for simply existing.” Which is ironic in that half of the children whose lives would be saved by this law are female. Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (NY) objected to the law because “it does nothing to protect the reproductive rights of non-binary people.”

Trump Okay with BLM Resignations

President Trump’s decision to move some of the offices of the Bureau of Land Management geographically closer to the land being managed, has led to more than a 50 percent attrition rate in the staff. Of the 187 personnel that would be required to relocate 87 have chosen to leave their jobs.

Steve Ellis, who retired from BLM’s top career-level post in 2018, denounced the relocation policy as “a brain drain. There is a lot of really solid expertise walking out the door.”

Trump, however, sees things differently. “We all know that the bureaucracy is bloated with excess personnel,” he said. “Yet Congress refuses to cut the fat out of the budget. By using my executive authority to relocate where federal employees shall discharge their official duties, the results in this small example show a path toward downsizing via a voluntary departure of those who’s addiction to the DC swamp outweighs their duty to work for the benefit of the American people.”

House Natural Resources Committee Chairman Raul Grijalva called Trump’s decision “another abuse of power. These federal employees have rights. One of those rights is to a secure employment that cannot be disturbed by a change in administrations. I will use my subpoena power to call in employees who have been harmed by this policy to determine if there are new grounds for impeaching the President arising from this action on his part.”

Biden Promises Cure for Alzheimer’s Disease

Offering himself as “a prime example of the importance of curing this horrible disease,” Democratic candidate for president, former Vice-President Joe Biden, vowed “to spend whatever it takes to find a cure.”

“Here’s the deal, the polls show that I will beat Trump in the November election,” he elaborated. “Admittedly, I have had instances of mental lapses that scare even me. Advisers have reassured me that I will have a staff that will stop me from doing anything crazy or stupid. But staffers aren’t elected. The American people deserve to know that their president will receive the best medical care possible. So, we have to have a blank-check approach to not only Alzheimer’s, but to cancer, diabetes and poverty. I think that is what voters want. And that is what I pledge to do if I’m elected.”

In other Biden news, the candidate pledged to “reappoint Nancy Pelosi as House Speaker if I win in November. If we’re going to get anything done it is essential that we play with a full deck. That includes not only the presidency, but also the legislature. If I’m going to have laws to sign, I need a Congress that will pass those laws. Nancy is the best person to ensure that the laws we want get passed. So, yes, I’m definitely going to keep her on my team when I’m president.”

Biden also rejected the endorsement of his candidacy by former FBI Director James Comey, calling him “a back-stabber. First he was for Hillary and buried an investigation of her email shenanigans, but late in the 2016 campaign he again raised the issue. He’s a rat that can’t be trusted. He’s lucky to still be alive.” Biden did, however, accept the endorsement of former CIA Director John Brennen who called Biden “one of the most honest, decent, practical, and experienced individuals with whom I have ever worked.”

Gabbard Qualifies for Next Democratic Debate

Since Rep. Tulsi Gabbard (Hawaii) won a delegate from Samoa on Super Tuesday, she now meets the current requirements laid out by the Democratic National Committee for candidates to be included in the next debate.

However, DNC communications director Xochitl Hinojosa announced Tuesday night that “we are upping the requirements going forward. The inclusion of Rep. Gabbard at this stage is not in the best interests of the Party. All the top people have determined that it is best that everyone get behind former Vice-President Joe Biden as our nominee. Allowing Gabbard back in at this late date is incompatible with that objective.”

“Ideally, we would also appreciate it if Sen. Sanders were to fall in line, as Warren, Klobuchar, Buttigieg, Steyer, and Bloomberg already have,” she added. “Since he has hundreds of delegates, though, we can’t plausibly concoct requirements that would deny him the opportunity to continue his campaign. We are just hoping that he will be sensible. He can throw a few bones to his supporters for the next couple of weeks, but sooner or later he has got to realize that his responsibility to the Party is greater than his desire to be president. I’m confident that an amenable deal to achieve unanimous backing for Biden can be had if the price is right.”

In related news, Bloomberg took issue with pundits’ conclusions that his failed bid for the presidency proves the office can’t be bought. “I realize that I can’t buy it for myself, but my success in buying the Virginia legislature for the Democrats in 2019 shows I can buy it for someone else,” he contended. “I was perceived as arrogant and selfish for spending hundreds of millions on my own campaign. However, I think I will be perceived more favorably as a benefactor of others in our Party’s quest to oust Trump from office.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Biden Touts His Ukraine Expertise

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Investigators in Ukraine have announced a probe of former U.S. Vice President Joe Biden. The issue is whether he illegally pressured the government to fire Prosecutor General Viktor Shokin in 2016.

Biden immediately insisted “damn right I got that guy fired. But it was completely legal. President Obama gave me the authority to do whatever it took to get the job done. I alone among those running for president have the experience and know-how for dealing with Ukraine.”

Biden compared his “get tough approach” with “Trump’s weak and ineffective ‘phone-call diplomacy.’ As we all saw from the transcript, all Trump could bring himself to do was ask Ukraine to do us a favor and investigate Crowd Strike. Ukraine totally ignored this request because there was no ‘stick’ behind it. Well, when I’m president I won’t hesitate to use the ‘carrot or the stick’–whichever seems necessary—to let the Ukrainese know who’s the boss. I may offer a billion dollars to drop their investigation or I may drone one or more of their leaders as my good friend Obama did when he was president.”

Times Sued by Trump

The Trump campaign has filed a lawsuit against the New York Times for a 2019 article that claimed Trump had a deal with Putin for Russian help against Hillary Clinton in the 2016 election. The suit cites a total lack of evidence or facts in the Times article and argues that the paper showed a “reckless disregard for the truth and malice toward the candidate.”

Spokesperson for the Times Gunar Bile belittled the suit, calling it “legally merit-less. The courts have granted the press blanket immunity against libel claims unless the plaintiff can prove malice. Malice is a subjective thing. What Trump sees as malice others see as dedication. Since the authors of the article in question truly believe that Trump is evil incarnate, any tactic used against this evil is warranted. While we may not have found any evidence to support what was written doesn’t matter. It is not illegal to lie about the devil. We are confident that the court understands our perspective and will dismiss this suit.”

Dems Refuse to Condemn Praise for Castro

In his quest to win votes for transforming America into a socialist country, Democratic presidential hopeful Sen. Bernie Sanders has been emphasizing the positive achievements of Cuba’s former long-time dictator Fidel Castro. Two of the positives that Sanders has cited during the debates have been literacy and health care. “Under Castro’s rule they implemented a highly motivating incentive to learn to read: if you didn’t you’d be forced to labor in the fields,” Sanders remembered. “Let’s give credit where credit is due. Seeing the problems we are having in this country, a policy of shipping non-learners off to labor battalions is an idea we might want to consider.”

Castro, of course, had his political opponents executed or imprisoned. His socialist policies impoverished the country inspiring hundreds of thousands to try to escape to the United states on leaky boats and home-made rafts. Health care was made a “human right,” but the care has been mostly of very low quality for the average citizen. The literacy program leaned heavily on teaching children to read communist propaganda.

Democrats in the US House of Representatives rejected a resolution introduced by Rep. Mario Diaz-Balart (R-Fla) condemning Castro’s tyranny. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) explained that “the resolution was too one-sided. We don’t like tyranny, but we need to acknowledge that even tyranny isn’t all bad. Reading propaganda is still reading and low-quality health care may be all that a poor country like Cuba can afford. Besides, the proportion of the Cuban population imprisoned is only one-half of a percent. That’s lower than the percent imprisoned in our so-called ‘free country.’”

In related news, Sanders’ popularity among millennials may be explained by a finding from a report published by the Global Financial Literacy Excellence Center at the George Washington University that only 16  percent of millennials are financially literate and of millennials who self-identified as financially literate only 19 percent are.

CNN Commentator Chastises Black Trump Supporters

With polls trending toward a more favorable view of President Trump among African-American voters, CNN’s Angela Rye expressed her dismay. “Shame on you,” she exclaimed. “Our people have been voting Democrat since FDR was president. Are you going to turn your back on this long-term bond?”

Rye called the record unemployment lows under Trump’s policies “crumbs. It might seem great to have a job or own a small business, but do you realize that these options force you to work to earn a living? Democrats are the ones that have abolished having to work for a living for millions of our people. Choosing between a generous friend who asks for nothing in return and an employer who offers you a job should be a ‘no brainer.’ Take the free stuff! Vote for the Party that will give it to you.”

Laticia Okombo, owner of a nail salon in Richmond, Virginia disagreed with Rye’s perspective. “What the Democrats offer is like a narcotic,” she said. “Getting something for nothing sounds good, but before you know it you’ve lost all your energy and ambition. I want to build my own future. The freedom bolstered by Trump’s deregulation and tax cuts will help me do this. He has my gratitude and will have my vote come November.”

Senate Dems Block Bill Against Infanticide

Democrats in the US Senate were able to exploit the cloture rule to prevent the “Born-Alive Abortion Survivors Protection Act” from coming to a vote. The bill introduced by Sen. Ben Sasse (R-Neb) would have required a health care practitioner to render medical assistance to a baby that survives an attempted abortion.

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) called the legislation “fake, dishonest, and extreme legislation. It would interfere with the final execution of a woman’s decision to terminate an unwanted child. Just because a doctor flubs the abortion procedure doesn’t mean the mother’s right to abort this child is null and void. A surviving baby outside the womb foists the responsibility of caring for it back onto an unwilling parent or onto society. As Democrats we cannot allow this infringement on basic human rights to be enacted into law.”

Buttigieg Explains Limits of Religious Freedom

Claiming to be the “only true Christian running for president this year,” Democratic candidate, former Mayor Pete Buttigieg explained why religious objections to the LGBTQ agenda “cannot be allowed.”

“The right to freedom of religion is a right to worship as you choose as long as what you choose to believe does not contradict the public policy guaranteeing that lesbians,’ gays,’ bisexuals,’ transsexuals,’ and queers’ rights to be accepted as they are,” Buttigieg said. “In the privacy of your own mind you can harbor whatever thoughts you want, but in public you must obey the laws enacted by our courts on this very sensitive topic. For example, let’s say you run a business and one of your employees comes out as trans. That employee has the right to dress however they see fit. You have the obligation to use whatever pronoun that employee wants used. You cannot refuse because it offends your conscience or religious beliefs. You cannot refuse on the grounds that it may offend customers and hurt your business. Your business, your conscience are not important enough to outweigh the civic rights government has extended to these courageous individuals.”

“Look, if we’re willing to compel people to fund abortions with their tax dollars even though they believe abortion is murder, I think compelling people to accept sexual behavior they consider deviant is a ‘no brainer,’” the Mayor argued. “Like Chasten often playfully says to me, ‘I think it’s time to turn the other cheek’ on this topic. These wise words from my adorable husband are ones we all can benefit from.”

Judge Refuses to Recuse

Amy Berman-Jackson, the judge who presided over the trial of President Trump’s friend Roger Stone, rejected his lawyers’ request that she recuse herself from deciding whether Stone is entitled to a new trial. Since Stone was convicted it has been discovered that Tomeka Hart, the jury foreman at the trial, was a prolific anti-Trump tweeter and poster prior to being selected as a juror.

Seth Ginsberg, an attorney for Stone, argued that “such a biased person should not have been allowed on the jury. It is the prospective juror’s duty to reveal any prejudices she might have toward the defendant before she is impaneled. It is also the judge’s duty to ferret out any biases among those selected to be on the jury. Neither Ms. Hart nor Judge Jackson performed their legal obligations. Mr. Stone deserves a new trial before an impartial jury and judge. Rather than take the appropriate action to achieve a fair trial, Judge Jackson seems intent to further perpetuate the injustice already inflicted on our client.”

Jackson rebutted Ginsberg’s contention with her own assertion that “a random group of 12 jurors is bound to include some who are antagonistic to the President. It would be neither practical nor fair to try for a jury of individuals uninformed or indifferent to Trump. Likewise, the majority of judges are also opposed to Trump’s politics. As a member of that majority, it is fitting that I see this judicial proceeding to the end.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Bloomberg Calls Current Election Rules ‘Inefficient’

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Democratic presidential contender and former New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg lamented that “the $400 million I’ve had to spend on my campaign shows how inefficient the process is. Not only am I out a huge chunk of change, but TV viewers across America are having their homes flooded with my ads. There has to be a better way.”

What a better way might look like, according to Bloomberg, is “like we do it in the business world. When a man with resources sees a company being run ineffectively he buys the owners out. Both sides benefit. The incompetent owners get paid and a better management is installed. Look, the other candidates running for the Democratic presidential nomination have no realistic hope of winning. The sensible option for them would be to agree to drop out in exchange for a generous payment from me. Today, I’m announcing that whoever drops out first will be gifted—so it’s tax-free–$20 million in cash. Whoever drops out second will get $19 million and so on until the field is cleared of dead wood.”

The already-dropped-out Andrew Yang was the first to accept Bloomberg’s offer, saying “think of how many families I can give $1,000 a month to with this gift.” However, Bloomberg quickly pointed out “you already dropped out for free. Only those still in the race, like that fat broad from Minnesota, the preachy Pete, and malarkey Joe are eligible.”

The former Mayor acknowledged “there may be a lot of caterwauling from the attention hounds and their media running dogs, but I think the common people will appreciate my approach. Rather than being tasked with a decision they aren’t qualified to make, they will enjoy the kind of improved product or service that occurs in the corporate world when bad leadership is replaced by superior leadership via the buy-out method.”

In related news, Marquette University political science professor Julia Azari called for “allowing elites to have a bigger say in how we choose who governs us. If the 2016 election proved anything it was that letting people’s votes decide who becomes president is too risky. That’s what gave us Trump. The better model was the ‘super delegate’ system used by the Democrats to ensure that the most qualified person got their Party’s nomination. I think what we should do now is replicate that approach for the general election. Let people cast votes to generate a list of potential presidents. Then have those with the most relevant experience—government employees—have the final say on who becomes their next boss.”

Cal Gov Proposes “Prescriptions for Houses”

Gov. Gavin Newsom (D-Calif) is proposing to solve the homeless problem in his state by authorizing doctors to prescribe housing. “Having a comfortable and safe place to live is just as important to a person’s health as insulin or antibiotics,” he asserted. “Armed with a prescription from a doctor, a homeless person could then draw upon Medicaid resources to either buy a home or pay rent.”

Newsom called his idea “pure genius. Right now, there is no legal mandate for guaranteeing housing for the homeless. Ten million Californians, one in four, suffer from some type of behavioral health condition. This includes virtually all of the homeless. By authorizing doctors to prescribe housing for these unfortunates, we turn it into a human right. This will sweep aside all legitimate objections to spending whatever it takes to see that everyone has a home by simply saying ‘doctors’ orders’ to all those who oppose this desperately needed action.”

In other California news, Assembly members Lorena Gonzalez (D–San Diego) and Christina Garcia (D–Bell Gardens) introduced a bill that would require adult entertainers to obtain a business license and complete a state-mandated training course before being allowed to ply their trade. Gonzalez explained that “pornography is the fastest growing form of entertainment in America. It is time for the government to step in to ensure that the quality of this entertainment doesn’t get diluted by poorly trained performers. The regulations implemented by our bill will prevent this from happening.”

Sanders Defends His “Better off 45 Years Ago” Claim

Though a record high 90 percent of Americans say they are satisfied with their lives, Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Bernie Sanders (Vt) claimed during the Nevada debate that “workers are not.” When all compensation is considered—including wages and benefits—the returns on work are about 45% higher than they were in the 1970s. Back then, more than 40% of a family’s income was spent on food and clothing. Today, less than 20% is spent on these items. Life-expectancy has also increased by 6 years, occupational fatalities declined from 14,000 per year to 5,000, and child mortality rates have declined by 70%–all pretty good measures of improved well-being.

Sanders himself seems to be much better off than he was 45 years ago. Despite never having held a serious job, he is a millionaire, owns a $1.2 million home in Vermont, a $575,000 house on the shore of Lake Champlain, and a townhouse in Washington, DC worth an estimated $560,000. Considering he was kicked out of a commune in 1971 for being lazy, he’s done remarkably well for himself since then.

The Senator challenged the assumption that mere financial gains or longer life-expectancy “is an adequate measure. Forty-five years ago there was still a Soviet Union. The existence of this workers’ paradise served as a beacon of hope for humanity. Its collapse in the 1990s extinguished that beacon. Not only am I the only presidential candidate to publicly recognize that, I am the only one who can credibly promise to transform this country into a new beacon of hope for the grand vision of a communist future for the world.”

Elsewhere on the Sanders campaign trail, the Senator exploded with rage at NBC and MSNBC executives for their “unfairly negative coverage” and warned that “when I’m president, news casts will tell the truth or face the consequences. The people have the right not to be told lies. I will enforce that right by prosecuting the liars and shutting down dishonest TV stations like yours.”

Trump Appeals to “Debased People”

Political, legal and ethics expert, former CIA Director John Brennan declared that “President Trump has the backing of a very debased group of people.” His evidence, such as it is, was Trump’s public criticism of the dual legal standards being applied to liars.

“For Trump to imply that the same laws should apply to sainted public servants like James Comey and low-lifes like Roger Stone is outrageous,” Brennan said. “What people forget is that law enforcers like Comey are explicitly granted the right to lie if, in their opinion, it is necessary to entrap bad actors. The universal consensus of those of us serving President Obama was that Trump is definitely a bad actor. Consequently, anything Comey, McCabe, Strzok, and others chose to do to protect the nation from him was, and still is, permissible.”

”Stone, on the other hand, is just a private citizen and has no right to obstruct law enforcement officers by lying to them,” Brennan asserted. “He needs to go to prison for as long a term as possible to serve as an example to others who might be tempted to interfere with what we in government are trying to do to impose order on society. Trump’s objection to this is further proof of his guilt in the so far successful effort to seize power by defeating the far more deserving and competent Hillary Clinton in 2016.”

In related news, Obama’s Attorney General Eric Holder castigated investigative reporter Paul Sperry for exposing the possible biases of Molly Gaston, the DOJ attorney who declined to prosecute Andrew McCabe for leaking and lying. “Criticizing government for reaching different decisions about which lawbreakers to prosecute and which to let go as Sperry has done is an abuse of freedom of the press,” Holder contended. “In such instances, reporters have the right to remain silent and should exercise this right by shutting the Hell up.”

Dem Not Impressed by Record Low Black Unemployment

House Majority Whip James Clyburn (D-SC) dismissed the record-low black unemployment under President Donald Trump, calling it “unimpressive. Since when is forcing an increasing percentage of African-Americans to support themselves by taking jobs an improvement in their condition? The whole point of President Johnson’s Great Society initiative was to spare as many as could be spared from the drudgery of working. Let’s not forget that under slavery African-Americans were fully employed. I just can’t see Trump’s move toward recreating that situation as a good thing.”

Bill Will Force Home-Schoolers to Use State Lessons

Mississippi state Rep. John Hines Sr. (D-Greenville) has introduced legislation that would compel parents who home-school their children to use the same state-approved lessons that public schools use to teach History and American Government.

Hines claims that “home-schoolers have too much freedom to teach their own children. The result is that these children are being denied their appropriate place among the collective body of students. They will have non-conforming opinions and beliefs that will increase the chance they will become social and political misfits. My bill will save these unfortunate children from that fate by either forcing their parents to replicate the teaching done in the public schools or convincing them that they may as well send their children to the public school where they will be properly instructed on what to think.”

Mississippi Center for Public Policy (MCPP) communications director Brett Kittredge opposes the bill, calling it “an infringement on parental rights. It is our position that parents have the strongest motives for wanting to do what’s best for their own children. Those that choose to home-school take on the considerable burden of educating their children. Their reasons for doing this stem from dissatisfaction with how the public schools will educate their children. Forcing them to replicate what goes on in the public schools does nothing to overcome the deficiencies that led to the decision to home-school. Considering the widely known failures of public schools there is no mandate for the coercion this bill envisions.”

“The very fact that there is opposition to my bill shows why it is needed,” Hines argued. “We need to cultivate a common set of values and beliefs among our children. The easiest way to achieve this is for all to be taught the same material in the same way. This will lessen disagreements and produce more harmony. Allowing home-schooling was a mistake. Ideally, all children should go to the same schools where they can learn the same lessons. We can at least mitigate the damage done by home-schooling if we control what parents are allowed to teach.”

Meanwhile in neighboring Alabama, Rep. Rolanda Hollis (D) has introduced legislation that mandates involuntary sterilization of men who have either reached the age of 50 or have already fathered three or more children. Hollis calls her bill “a sensible step toward reducing the need to abort so many children. Personally, I’d favor castration as the best way for ensuring that a man could not cause an unwanted pregnancy, but my bill mercifully allows the targeted men to opt for vasectomies.”

Biden May Rule Out Second Term

Former Vice-President Joe Biden promised not to run for a second term “if I’m demented when the time comes to begin campaigning.” His statement meant to reassure voters reminded many of his seeming dementia on current campaign stops. Rival presidential contender former South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg pointed out that “forgetting where you are and angry outbursts are classic signs of dementia. If he wants to keep his promise not to inflict the country with a mentally challenged president he should drop out of the 2020 race.”

Meanwhile, in a bid to shore up his appeal to black voters, Biden told a small gathering at a South Carolina “Five-and-Diner” that he and America’s UN Ambassador Andrew Young were arrested and tortured by South African police when they tried to visit Nelson Mandela in the late 1970s. “I knew the risks going in, but I was determined to pay tribute to this great African leader,” Biden recalled. Ambassador Young acknowledged going to South Africa with Biden around that time, but denied that either of them was arrested or tortured.

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Rift Between Sanders & AOC

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Democratic presidential contender Sen. Bernie Sanders’ campaign manager Faiz Shakir is reportedly peeved over Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s neglect to sufficiently mention Sanders’ name as she was campaigning on his behalf while he was tied up at Trump’s impeachment trial in the Senate.

Ocasio-Cortez brushed aside Shakir’s complaints, saying “revolution is not about egotistic self-aggrandizement. It’s about being right on the issues. Socialism is for the masses. Individuals don’t matter. The collective does.”

“In terms of ideology, she is, of course, correct,” Shakir said. “However, we need to have voters select the name of the person they want to be their president. It is not enough to recapitulate our grievances against capitalism. Repeating the candidate’s name on the campaign trail is essential to informing voters who will carry out the socialist program. In this regard AOC fell short.”

US Oil Production Undermines OPEC

Last year, oil production on federally owned land topped one billion barrels. This is up by 29 percent over the peak quantity produced during any year of the Obama Administration. Acting Assistant Secretary of the Interior Casey Hammond credited President Trump for the increase, saying that “opening up land that President Obama had put off limits has led to the United States becoming the world’s foremost energy supplier. This has lowered prices, boosted our economy and weakened the oil cartel.”

Former Vice-President Joe Biden pounced on this accomplishment, calling it “a wrong turn. We need to wean ourselves off of fossil fuels. President Obama understood that in order to do this prices had to be high enough to deter people from consuming energy. The economic boom unleashed by Trump’s policies on energy, taxes, and regulations have derailed the fundamental transformation Obama had in mind—less energy consumption, slower economic growth, and more modest standards of living for Americans.”

“Trump has foolishly flaunted his America first agenda,” Biden added. “This antagonizes other nations who were looking forward to the greater equality that President Obama had promised them. That’s why we need a president like me to replace him. I am the guy who can take this country down a peg or two, reassure the rest of the world that we’re just an average run-of-the-mill country so they have nothing to fear from us, and, thereby, promote more lasting peace.”

In related news, Biden vowed “to put a stop to the extreme loss of ice in Antarctica by issuing an emergency Executive Order to begin immediate shipments of some of those giant fans like they have near Palm Springs to cool the place down. I will also authorize immediate entry into the United States for any Antarcticans whose igloos are destroyed by the melting ice.”

Buttigieg & Klobuchar Spar Over Pro-Lifers

Surging Democratic presidential candidates former South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg and Sen. Amy Klobuchar (Minn) staked out different positions concerning whether individuals opposed to abortion could be good Democrats.

Buttigieg asserted that “the Bible tells us that life begins with breath. As long as the baby can be prevented from breathing no transgression occurs from aborting its birth. The platform of the Democratic Party conforms to this Biblical guideline by favoring the right of every woman to have an abortion if she wants one. A person who opposes this very fundamental human right isn’t really a Democrat. Allowing such a person inside the Party makes about as much sense as allowing an Independent to run for our Party’s presidential nomination.”

Klobuchar disagreed, saying “I believe we are a ‘big tent’ Party. Of course our policy will always be 100 percent supportive toward a woman’s right to an abortion. However, I see no reason why pro-life individuals should be barred as long as they don’t publicly oppose the party’s stance. Winning elections requires effort. Every dollar, every phone call, every door-to-door visit helps. It would be foolish for us to refuse to take their donations of time and money. If they provide this help their person opinions don’t matter.”

Meanwhile, former Vice-President Joe Biden inadvertently endorsed Pete Buttigieg for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination, saying “this guy has honor, he has courage, he’s smart as hell, clean and a good looking guy.” These words were reminiscent of those he used to endorse Barack Obama after his own bid for the Democratic presidential nomination failed in 2008. Reminded of this, Biden pointed out that “being VP isn’t a bad gig. Not too much is expected of you. You get to travel to exotic places, make new friends, and pursue business opportunities that aren’t available to average schmos. Heck, I’d re-up for that as Pete’s number two guy.”

DNC Bends Rules for Bloomberg

Even though the late-entry Democratic presidential candidate, former New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg, doesn’t meet the party’s donor criteria for participating in the debates, Democratic National Committee chairman Tom Perez has decided to waive the requirements “for now.”

“I know that some will say that changing the rules at this late date is unfair to other candidates who have met all criteria and to other candidates who have been excluded for not meeting the criteria,” Perez admitted. “In my defense I ask Party members to just look at the sorry field of candidates we have left. We’ve got a communist leading the pack, a callow small-town mayor in second place, an addlepated former vice-president, a forked-tongued Indian impersonator, and a senator nobody’s ever heard of. As the head of the DNC I can’t sit by and allow the Party to go down in flames if one of these weak reeds tries to go head-to-head with Trump.”

“Let’s face it, the ‘grassroots’ ploy hasn’t produced a credible array of potential presidents,” Perez continued. “Mayor Bloomberg has money. In politics money talks. More specifically, Bloomberg’s money was crucial in helping the Party buy controlling interest in the Virginia legislature in the 2018 elections. He’s said he will spend whatever it takes of his multibillion dollar fortune to defeat Trump. That sounds like a more viable strategy than limping along with tiny donations from millions of ordinary people.”

According to the new debate rules, Bloomberg will be allowed to participate via pre-recorded campaign ads that will be played whenever a debate moderator calls on the candidate to respond to a question. Perez explained that “Michael told me that the amount of money he has to spend far outdistances the amount of time he is willing to spend on this campaign. He assures me that he will check in on the debates from his home in Bermuda if he is not too busy when they air.”

Warren Boasts About Taking Half a Bank Account

This week, fading presidential aspirant Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) boasted of receiving half of a low-income supporter’s total wealth to carry on her fight for the nomination. The “half” consisted of $3 out of a net worth of $6.

To many it seemed a callous act to take so much from someone who had so little. Warren didn’t see it that way. “In a way, it’s like buying a lottery ticket,” she contended. “If I’m elected I’m going to cancel her college debt. That’s thousands of dollars in return for her $3 donation.”

“It’s also a model for the kind of social justice system I’m trying to bring to our country,” she added. “In a just society everyone gives whatever they have to the collective. In return, the collective gives each person what she or he needs. All the anxiety and fretting over what is and isn’t affordable will be erased. If the government deems you need something and are worthy of having it, it will be given to you. Likewise, if your skills and efforts are needed to accomplish a goal the government is trying to fulfill, you will be assigned to accomplish this goal. No one will have to look for work. Work will be assigned based on ability. Alienation and loneliness will be abolished. All of humanity will toil for the common good.”

Nadler Warns Barr

This week House Judiciary Chairman Jerrold Nadler (D-NY) sent a letter to Attorney General William Barr warning him “to not go too far with this whole Ukrainian thing” and “to stop listening to Giuliani.”

President Donald Trump’s lawyer Rudy Giuliani claims to have witnesses and evidence implicating the Obama White House in a covert attempt to use US government resources in an illegal operation to undermine the 2016 Trump campaign. “The great irony of the whole ‘Russian collusion’ accusation against Donald Trump is that it was President Obama, the FBI, and CIA that were colluding against Trump,” Guiliani said. “That’s the truth and the American people deserve to hear it.”

Thus far, Barr doesn’t seem to be moved by Nadler’s entreaties. “Sure, I’ll look at the information Giuliani has turned over to the DOJ. I’ll look at whatever evidence anyone turns over. Whether any of it will lead to any prosecutions or indictments can’t be determined until I thoroughly examine it.”

Unsettled by Barr’s response, Nadler pointed out that “this thing is bigger than whether the Bidens engaged in any untoward actions. A lot of important people are concerned about where this is headed. This includes former Secretary of State John Kerry, Sen. Mitt Romney, Bill and Hillary Clinton, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and billionaire activist George Soros. I’m not sure Barr appreciates the potential consequences of carrying this investigation any further. Remember what happened to Jeffrey Epstein.”

Competing Climate Change Approaches

Two radically different approaches for how to mitigate the potential negative impacts of climate change have been advanced recently. On the left we have The Ahuman Manifesto—a tract authored by Patricia MacCormack, a professor of continental philosophy at Anglia Ruskin University in the United Kingdom. The Professor argues for human extinction as the best solution to the perils of climate change.

“My interest in feminism and queer theory led me by a process of logical deduction to the conclusion that the human race must be exterminated in order to save the planet for other species,” she said. “Humankind is currently enslaved by capitalism. Killing people frees them from this slavery. Hitler, Stalin, and Mao were on the right track. By murdering millions they bravely paved the way for my theory to evolve. Many people are surprised by my book’s joyful and radical compassion for living creatures.”

On the right, we have Republicans in the House of Representatives introducing legislation giving tax-incentives for planting trees. Rep. Garret Graves (LA) called this legislation “a fact-based, realistic approach. Instead of wrecking our economy and generating more poverty and suffering by penalizing energy production, why not offset carbon emissions by feeding them to trees? Trees absorb CO2 and turn it into wood. This wood can be used to build housing, furniture, and other long-lasting implements that are beautiful and useful. In the process we also get more forests.”

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) harshly criticized the bill, saying “it does nothing about the most severe threat to the climate: Donald Trump. Rather than directly face this threat, Republicans are trying to push painless solutions to averting climate catastrophe. I say, ‘no pain, no gain.’ People must be taught a lesson. In this regard, I think Professor MacCormack’s approach is closer to what I believe the ultimate answer to climate change will have to be.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Employment Growth Rankles Sanders

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

The latest employment report for the US economy has Democratic presidential contender Sen. Bernie Sanders (Vt) warning voters about “Trump’s insidious plan to coerce the working class into actually working for a living. The leisure gains painstakingly accumulated over decades of government’s expansion of welfare benefits are being cast aside for a reactionary return to wage-slavery.”

Among the statistics assailed by Sanders were substantial “increases in labor force participation rates to highs not seen in decades, the disproportionate shift of the burden of production toward minorities, and the pitifully small boost in wages. These are not sufficient replacements for the staggering loss of welfare benefits being received by the poorest among us. The Bureau of Labor Statistics is reporting that Black unemployment is now at its lowest point and wages at their highest point since we’ve been keeping track. Lifestyles that provided secure standards of living without forcing people to enter the rat race of the commercial marketplace are being swept away.”

The Candidate vowed to “reverse this ominous trend when I become president. Instead of pushing people into the job of feeding the golden goose, my administration will use the power of government to seize the goose and serve it to the people as reparations for the centuries of capitalistic exploitation that have enslaved the masses.”

Defections Plague Warren Campaign

This week, a half-dozen “women of color” defected from Sen. Elizabeth Warren’s effort to win Democratic presidential delegates in Nevada. Megan Lewis, a field organizer blamed “a toxic culture that marginalized me as a woman of color. None of my suggestions were ever acted upon. I felt I was only on-board to give the appearance that the Candidate cared about my issues or me as a person.”

In response, Warren cited “America’s long history of racism and sexism” for the dust-up. “As a Native American woman, I, too, had to face racism and sexism on my path to eminence at Harvard and the US Senate. My mistake was in assuming that lesser people could persevere as I had. I was wrong. For this I hold Trump and every white male who has not supported my campaign personally responsible.”

Kristen Orthman, Warren’s campaign spokesperson, lamented “the actions of these campaign staffers. In a campaign there is only one chief and many ‘Indians.’ Each of these ‘Indians’ has an assigned role. For some, just being a visible member of a desirable demographic is their key function. Decisions on strategies, tactics, and how we communicate to voters are made at a higher level. Anyway, I think we shouldn’t blow this out of proportion. We have more than a thousand people in our organization. These six malcontents represent less than one-percent of our troops fighting for the social justice the Senator will bring to this country as president.”

Buttigieg Threatens Senators

Bolstered by news that he was the choice of 26 percent of Iowa Democrats in this week’s presidential nomination caucus, former South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg struck a “no tolerance for congressional defiance” stance and vowed to “land Air Force One in the backyard of anyone of them who opposes my policies” during an interview with CNN’s Chris Cuomo.

Oddly, the Mayor characterized his approach as “the very essence of what democracy is all about. The President is the elected leader of all of America. Senators and Representatives are elected by much smaller constituencies. We cannot allow these smaller constituencies to block the will of the majority who elected me.”

“Couldn’t President Trump have made a similar claim?” Cuomo asked. “He was elected to represent the entire nation, yet Congress, or at least the Democrats in Congress, have worked diligently against his policies and even impeached him. Why would you expect Congress not to oppose you?”

“Well, Trump was not really the people’s choice,” Buttigieg replied. “Early on, key members of the FBI realized that and took steps to try to prevent him from being president. Sadly, this effort, so far, has failed. The same wouldn’t be true in my case. I come to restore democracy to our country, not to undermine it like Trump has.”

Senator Denounced for Naming “Whistleblower”

Obama’s CIA Director John Brennan denounced Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ken) for naming Eric Ciaramella as the person behind the Democrats impeachment case against President Trump. “This man is beneath contempt,” Brennan asserted. “The effective wielding of power by government relies upon access to secret informers who must be able to make allegations without fear of contradiction or public disclosure of their identities. The supposed right to confront one’s accuser may be affordable when the issues are not so weighty. But the state must not be boxed in by this quaint artifact from the Bill of Rights. Too much is at stake for government’s hands to be tied so tightly.”

Paul responded saying “I categorically reject Mr. Brennan’s concept of how a government ought to be run. It was in response to tyrannical government practices entailing secret trials, anonymous witnesses, torture, and punishment without trials that led our Founding Fathers to include restrictions on such abuses in our Bill of Rights. Accusations can’t be fairly adjudicated if accusers are kept anonymous and testimony kept secret like Rep. Schiff did in the House’s impeachment hearings. No witnesses for the accused were permitted. And the primary accuser—the so-called whistleblower—was never allowed to be cross-examined.”

Brennan was not impressed by Paul’s critcism and suggested that “he is the kind of person that would have been a candidate for a drone strike when President Obama ruled. In fact, I think if we had been able to isolate him outside the country somewhere in the Middle East we’d have probably taken the opportunity to dispose of him and neutralize his threat to national security.”

“Green Light” Law Costs New Yorkers Travel Privileges

New York’s so-called “Green Light” law authorizing persons in the US illegally to obtain drivers’ licenses has led the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) to revoke expedited travel privileges for anyone using these licenses as identification for air travel.

Ken Cuccinelli, acting deputy secretary of DHS explained that “the state’s efforts to grant sanctuary to illegal immigrants by blocking us from verifying the license holder’s identity prevents us from protecting air travelers from potential terrorist attacks carried out by persons having this document. Our only safe option is to deny all New York licensees access to sped up security screening at ports of entry.”

Gov. Andrew Cuomo called the DHS action “unfair and discriminatory. Under the Tenth Amendment to the US Constitution it is our state’s right to license anyone we choose. We choose to extend the right to drive to everyone living in our state without regard to whether they may have broken some federal law to get into the United States. DHS is retaliating against our state for political reasons. I will be contacting House Judiciary Chairman Jerry Nadler (D-NY) to see about conducting an investigation of this latest abuse of power by Trump.”

Cuccinelli called the Governor’s complaint “unreasonable” and his argument “insane. New York has also banished requiring bail be posted for suspects accused of violent crimes. Instead, they are released back onto the streets, where they are free to commit additional crimes or escape the jurisdiction. Public safety is the most vital obligation of government. Cuomo may be willing to sacrifice this obligation in order to curry political favor from certain constituencies, but we are not. We wish New York would vet seekers of its driving licenses. However, until they do we will not be permitting the unvetted holders of these licenses to endanger properly vetted air travelers.”

Pelosi Throws Tantrum Over SOTU Speech

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) characterized President Trump’s State-of-the-Union speech as “a manifesto of lies and misrepresentations” and tore it to shreds as most of the audience loudly applauded his remarks.

Her first complaint alleged that “he refused to shake my hand. That’s how demeaning he is to those he disagrees with.” As it so happens, Trump didn’t shake hands with Vice-President Mike Pence either before he stood at the podium to speak.

Pelosi also found fault with Trump’s invited guests. “Who is he to presume to honor the last surviving Tuskegee airman?” she demanded to know. “The Tuskegee airmen were all black men. Black votes are the property of the Democratic Party and have been since the Roosevelt Administration. Trump only invited this old black man to try to steal black votes away from us.”

“And the insufferable surviving family members a couple of individuals—one killed by a terrorist and another by an undocumented immigrant—these aren’t important people,” she insisted. “They just served as props for Trump’s animus toward foreigners. Only a tiny percentage of Americans are killed by foreigners. Even if every one of these victims had been spared by a more vigorous effort against these types of crimes it would not be statistically significant.”

“Neither can I see the point in celebrating the survival of a baby born prematurely,” Pelosi observed. “She is one person who lived. Far more of a similar age in the womb are aborted each year. To use this now healthy and happy young child as evidence for why restricting abortions would be a good policy is hitting below the belt.”

“In sum, it was a totally shameful performance designed to convince the American people that things are going well,” she concluded. “Clearly, they are not going well. An obviously guilty abuser of power was acquitted by the Senate. This miscarriage of justice will have repercussions that will haunt our nation for generations to come.”

Bloomberg Defends Misleading Campaign Ad

An ad containing film footage showing children in cages and blaming President Trump’s border enforcement policies was actually recorded during the Obama Administration. Aspiring Democratic presidential contender former New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg defended the ad, calling it “a white lie in service to a greater cause.”

“While the images are from the previous administration, they support the widely held belief among Democrats that Trump is the real villain of the immigration crisis,” Bloomberg argued. “I believe efforts to restrict entry into the United States are wrong. We need low-wage workers to do the menial jobs Americans don’t want to do and to cast the votes needed to elect Democrats to office. These vital objectives outweigh any obligation to tell the absolute truth. History has shown that even the baldest lie, if repeated often enough, will eventual become the accepted reality. I’m glad that I have the financial resources to implement this historically proven political strategy.”

Romney Explains Impeachment Vote

As the sole Republican vote for convicting President Trump in his impeachment trial in the Senate, Mitt Romney (R-Ut) cited his “conscience” as the basis for siding with Democrats who have been eager to oust Trump since the day he was elected.

“Many in my own Party tried to convince me that there had to be evidence of a crime before a president should be removed from office,” the Senator said. “But my belief in God tells me that, if in my heart I’m convinced he is guilty, I must vote to take him out.”

“The parade of government officials that Rep. Schiff presented, who sincerely believed that Trump’s policies toward Ukraine were wrong was very persuasive,” Romney maintained. “Who, after all, is better positioned to determine our policy toward Ukraine? The career professionals who have been running this policy from long before Trump ever imagined he might become president? Or an outsider who spent his life owning and operating hotels until he unexpectedly was elected president? Based on the plaudits I’ve received from so many since my courageous vote, my conscience tells me I made the right choice.”

Sen. Richard Blumenthal (D-Conn) said “Senator Romney’s historic vote brought tears of joy to my eyes. Given the lackluster roster of candidates for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination, I think our Party could do a lot worse than to try to snag this man of valor to run on our ticket. I think if we were to look closely at his political history we’d see that his views on government aren’t so different from ours. He did champion an Obamacare-style of health insurance in Massachusetts when he was governor there. Paired with a reliable Democrat like Secretary Clinton, I think he could bring a lot of Republicans over to our side in November.”

Romney thanked Blumenthal for “your kind words” and expressed interest in being on a fusion ticket with Clinton, “but only as the vice-president nominee. I fear that being elected president with Mrs. Clinton as my VP might endanger my life.”

Biden Denounces Limbaugh Medal of Freedom Award

Democratic presidential candidate, former Vice-President Joe Biden denounced President Trump for awarding the Medal of Freedom to talk radio legend Rush Limbaugh, calling it “a travesty and stain on American history. I don’t think he understands the American code of decency and honor.”

“President Obama awarded me with this medal in 2017,” Biden remembered. “Compared to me, what has Limbaugh done to advance the cause of freedom? For more than 30 years he has been loudly on the wrong side of every social, political, and economic issue. He believes that people ought to work to support themselves, that babies shouldn’t be aborted, that the right to bear arms shouldn’t be infringed, that freedom of speech shouldn’t be limited. I mean, every stand he has taken has been debunked by fact-checkers across the media. Why does he deserve a medal?”

“In contrast, I have made my fortune in service to the public sector,” the former Veep boasted. “I started with nothing and after more than 40 years in government I was not only able to enrich myself, but I gave a hand up to everyone in my family—my brothers, my children. Limbaugh doesn’t even have any children. He’s not a hard-body like me. He’s doughy and unattractive. I could easily best him at push-ups or beat the snot out of him in a fist fight. He and I aren’t in the same league. Awarding him the Medal of Freedom taints those of us who truly earned ours.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.