Biden Wants to “Pack” Vice-Presidency

By: John Semmens

Concerned that the duties of being vice-president may be too much for Kamala Harris to handle, President Biden has asked advisors “to see if there is a way to increase the number VPs. Take a look at the big corporations. Many of them have multiple vice-presidents. The job of running America is much more complicated than running a corporation. If corporations need more than one VP then surely the nation needs more as well.”

Biden is rumored to have suggested several names he wants considered. These include, Stacey Abrams, Michelle Obama, and Jill Biden. His Chief of Staff Ron Klain explained that “a powerful case can be made for each of these women. Stacey would have been elected governor of Georgia in 2018, but was cheated out of it due to Republican suppression of the black vote. Michelle was a very popular First Lady and a key player in the Obama Administration. And Jill has been very crucial to making the President appear presentable. There is also the community-property aspect to consider. As Joe’s wife she is legally entitled to half of everything he has.”

“Ideally, all three of these candidates could be sworn in as VPs,” Klain maintained. “Each would bring different skills and be assigned different tasks. Abrams would be perfect as a champion of the elimination of all existing voter ID laws. Michelle would be an authoritative voice for helping Americans get in shape by eating right and exercising regularly. Jill could continue to keep Joe from wandering into traffic. And, of course, Kamala could use her fluency in foreign languages to win the hearts and minds of our allies and adversaries around the world. All of them would garner much-needed recognition and help lighten the load on Joe.”

Former Thief Nominated to Treasury Department

By: John Semmens

Saule Omarova, President Biden’s nominee to lead the Office of the Comptroller of the Currency, is having her fitness for the office questioned by GOP Senators. On the one hand, there was her “we want them to go bankrupt” comment about the the oil and gas industry in the U.S. Or maybe it’s her membership in the Facebook group “Marxist Analysis and Policy,” which describes itself as “for socialism and against capitalism.” Or perhaps it was her arrest for shoplifting in 1995.

Presidential Press Secretary Jen Psaki defended Omarova, saying that “the President has full confidence in this nomination. Professor Omarova adds a new progressive twist to the concept of banking and challenges the notion that an impartial treatment of all customers should be free of political biases or tests. Both she and the President believe that government should inject its preferences into financial decisions regarding who does and doesn’t receive loans, who is and isn’t allowed to have an account, and whether the nation would be better served by confiscating assets that could be put to better use by the government. These issues will make up the core of her responsibilities as Comptroller of the Currency.”

Psaki scoffed at “the quaint idea that her shoplifting escapade in 1995 is even an issue. Events of the past year and new laws decriminalizing shoplifting in many jurisdiction demonstrate that public attitudes towards property are undergoing a transformation that is in tune with the basic gist of the President’s Build Back Better initiative. Dr. Omarova’s personal effort to pioneer this concept at TJ MAXX 25 years ago evidences a foresight and leadership that make her well-suited to the job he wants her to do.”

Feds to Block Alaska Logging

By: John Semmens

The U.S. Department of Agriculture announced that it has begun the process of undoing the Trump Administration’s policy of allowing more logging in Alaska’s rain forest. Secretary Tom Vilsack explained that “we need to keep in step with the President’s desire to tamp down the economic activity that contributes to climate change. We can’t let the destruction of the energy sector bear the whole weight of the transition to a simpler way of life.”

Lumber prices have been skyrocketing even with the increased logging allowed under the Trump rules. Choking off this supply will put further upward pressure on industries dependent upon this commodity. Jared Bernstein, Member of President Biden’s Council of Economic Advisers, acknowledged that “this will likely put the single-family home out of reach for most Americans, which is a good thing. Single-family living is inefficient compared to communal living. A big goal of the Green New Deal is to transition the vast majority of ordinary people into multi-family housing.”

“From an efficiency standpoint, a military style of housing would be best,” Bernstein declared. “Families could be housed in barracks for the purpose of sleeping. The complex would include areas designated for eating, recreation, and education. All meals would be provided by full-time professional chefs. There would be no need for residents to travel to any restaurants or grocery stores. Indoor and outdoor exercise facilities would be within walking distance. Approved books and videos would be available inside the complex. Education and child-care would be handled by certified instructors. In short, life within the complex would be complete. There would be no need for anyone to waste time going to places outside. Everything they need would be provided to them right there.”

Fauci: Attacks on Me Dangerous to Science

By: John Semmens

The man who has changed his direction more often than a weather vane is concerned that “attacks on me are dangerous to the field of science. Sure, I change my mind, but that is what true scientists do when new data arise. I know there must be tests and experiments to see what works and what doesn’t. However, there also needs to be a recognized expert who must be trusted to properly interpret the new data. I have been designated as that expert and it’s vitally important that our strategy for dealing with covid be united behind my interpretations.”

“For example, as a scientist I know that the kind of masks that are available to most people are an inadequate barrier to the virus and I said so back in March of 2020,” Fauci recalled. “But I soon realized that masks could be an important psychological security blanket for the masses. It enables them to do the risky things that still must be done during the pandemic to provide goods and services to society.”

“Similarly, I initially had high hopes for the vaccines,” the Doctor continued. “I thought, one course of treatment and everyone would be protected. It turns out it is more complicated. The haste with which the original vaccines were developed left insufficient time to ensure their safety and effectiveness. In some, the vaccines induce serious adverse effects. In others, the effectiveness wears off as the months since the last injection pass. This new data helped me realize that regular booster shots have to be a part of the process.”

“Now, the data indicate that people who are fully vaccinated are dying at a faster clip than the unvaccinated,” Fauci said. “It’s been a long and hard road, but it looks like our original 15-days to flatten the curve may have been the most effective measure. Lockdowns are returning as the best defense. Australia has been rigorously enforcing lockdowns of the unvaccinated. Austria has been putting the unvaccinated under house-arrest. Bold as these steps have been, it is clear that everyone—vaccinated or not must be lockeddown. Only complete isolation of everyone from everyone else can prevent the spread of covid. A small cadre of society’s most expendable must be required to endure the risk of producing and delivering life’s necessities to the rest of the population. It will be a difficult, but necessary transition from the kind of freedom we became addicted to in America. Nevertheless, it is our only chance for survival.”

In related news, Taiwan has suspended all vaccinations after an evaluation of data revealed that more of its population have died from vaccination (982) than have died from covid (831). Dr. Fauci called Taiwan’s response “hasty and ill-considered. A society in which some are vaccinated and some are not increases the variables and complicates our strategy to combat covid. A uniformly vaccinated world population reduces this one variable and simplifies the task. That is why Pfizer vaccinated all the clinical test subjects in the control group after three months of study.”

Biden’s Slander of Rittenhouse Excused

By: John Semmens

Despite the fact that Kyle Rittenhouse has no connections to any white supremacy organizations, the fact that the three rioters he shot in Kenosha were all white men with criminal records who were attempting to assault or kill him, and the fact that a jury found him not guilty for shooting them in self-defense, President Biden refuses to apologize for calling him a “white supremacist.”

Presidential Press Secretary Jen Psaki pointed out that “the occasion in which the President called Rittenhouse a white supremacist was at a campaign appearance during the 2020 election. The Supreme Court has long held that lying in order to win votes is protected political speech. Further, since his campaign for the presidency was successful he now has sovereign immunity. This means that he can say anything about anybody without being held liable for it. He can’t be sued and he doesn’t have to apologize as long as he remains in office.”

“Mr. Rittenhouse’s only options are to hope that Congress impeaches and removes President Biden from office—something that seems highly unlikely given that Democrats are the majority in both the House and Senate—or wait until the President serves out his allowed two terms,” Psaki said. “It seems more likely to me that the President will be dead or declared mentally incompetent before he serves two complete terms. Either way, he’d be immune from any damages Rittenhouse may suffer as a result of being slandered.”

Leftists Question Rittenhouse Verdict

By: John Semmens

MSNBC “MTP Daily” host Chuck Todd expressed dismay that Kyle Rittenhouse was acquitted in his trial for shooting three people during a riot in Kenosha last year. “I can understand how a teenager like Rittenhouse might feel endangered when a guy tried to club him with a skateboard or pointed a pistol at him,” Todd admitted. “From a narrow perspective, it might be self-defense for him to shoot to save his life. But from a broader perspective, is society better off because he did? What message did the jury’s verdict send?”

“If Rittenhouse had withheld his fire the worst that could’ve happened is that he could’ve been killed,” Todd reasoned. “But two other people would’ve lived. Why didn’t the jury weigh those odds? By acquitting him has the jury emboldened others to imitate his actions? Did they consider the possible public violence that may follow from those disappointed in the verdict?”

MSNBC commentator Joyce Vance wondered “whether we will be safer after this verdict? Had it gone the other way the message would have been clearer—don’t attempt to take personal action to protect property and people from rioters. Rittenhouse put himself in danger by trying to do just that. I mean, if the powers that be—the mayor and the police—are content to let the looting and burning be, then so should everyone else. But I fear that such a common sense approach will not be possible if interlopers are allowed to take whatever action they please without consequence.”

House Judiciary Committee Chair Rep. Jerry Nadler (D-NY) demanded that the DOJ “find some federal crime Rittenhouse can be can be charged with. The asserted archaic individual right of self-defense must yield to the progressive right of the people to collectively pursue social justice. The men Rittenhouse shot were attempting to burn down Kenosha in protest over the police shooting of Jacob Blake. At the very least, Rittenhouse is guilty of infringing their First Amendment right to air their grievances.”

Rep. Ayanna Pressley (D-MA) complained that “Rittenhouse killed two people who had assembled to affirm the value, dignity, and worth of black lives by attempting to chase him down and beat the crap out of him. He should’ve have taken his beating like a man. Instead, he shot them and asked for mercy on the witness stand. A white supremacist jury heard his plea and let him go free. Now there will be no justice for Joseph Rosenbaum and Anthony Huber.”

President Biden professed himself “angry and concerned” about the not guilty verdict while pointing out that “there are still many buildings that weren’t burned down last year” and called for “more peaceful protests.”

School Board Adviser Doxxes Parents

By: John Semmens

Norma Garcia-Lopez, co-chair of the Racial Equity Committee for the Fort Worth Independent School District in Texas, went online and posted the names, addresses and phone numbers of parents who are opposed to the district’s mask mandate and Critical Race Theory curriculum. Her appended caption “Internet do your thing” signaled her intent to sic leftist fanatics on these parents.

Garcia-Lopez defended her actions, saying that “people benefiting from white privilege should not be telling the schools what to teach or how to deal with the pandemic. Kid’s futures and lives are at stake. Since the court granted an injunction against the mask mandate in August it was clear to me that street action to oppose parental interference is needed.”

“These parents didn’t raise a fuss when the Klan was lynching black men and bombing their churches,” Garcia-Lopez asserted. “Their complaints aren’t based on principle. They are self-serving arguments for the continuation of white supremacy. This is why Attorney General Garland declared these types of parents to be domestic terrorists.”

Kerri Rehmeyer, one of the doxxed parents, objected “to being smeared with a baseless Klan trope. None of the parents are members of the Klan. None have participated in any lynchings or bombings. This stands in stark contrast to the numerous riots that have arisen from the last years’ so-called peaceful protests organized by black lives matter—where buildings were vandalized, looted, and burned.”

Biden Vetoes Court Order

By: John Semmens

Despite the U.S. Court of Appeals for the 5th Circuit’s ruling that President Biden’s vaccine mandate be paused pending a judicial review of “grave statutory and constitutional issues,” White House Deputy Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre said “the President has ordered businesses to proceed with compelling employees to get vaccinated.”

“After careful review of the Court’s ruling, the President has decided that his powers as Commander-in-Chief during the current covid emergency permit him to veto the pause,” Jean-Pierre explained. “He is president of the whole nation. The fifth Circuit Court is just one of many equally important courts, none of which have concurred with the Fifth Circuit Court on this issue. As president he has the responsibility to secure the health and safety of everyone in the country. To meet this responsibility he has decided that everyone must be vaccinated. That won’t happen if individuals are allowed to refuse to take this medicine.”

“Further, the President is tired of the disrespect evidenced by repeated refusals to obey his wishes,” she added. “He is trying to be a ‘good dad’ to all his children in America. It’s past time for all the back-talk to end. It’s time for people to trust that he knows what’s in their best interest and is determined to make that happen. He has been bolstered in his resolve by the Australian government’s vow to ensure that the unvaccinated are miserable and lonely for life. He said ‘if they have the guts to do it, so can we.’”

Kerry Dismisses Slave Labor Concerns

By: John Simmons

President Biden’s climate envoy former Secretary of State John Kerry dismissed a question about whether he was concerned that a Chinese company in which he holds a million dollar stake is using slave labor to build solar panels, saying “that’s not in my lane.”

“Look, I don’t know every detail about how the solar panels are made, but the fact that the product is solar panels puts it on the right side of the climate crisis,” Kerry argued. “It’s fossil fuels that are destroying the climate. Anything that can help avert this is worthy of pursuing regardless of the particular methods that are being employed to accomplish this. I would say that to the extent that costs are saved by employing forced labor the panels won’t cost as much and that’s a good thing because more people will be able to afford buying them and more investors like myself will be encouraged to buy more shares.”

New Approaches for Dealing with Crime

By: John Semmens

The spike in crime following some progressive reforms including no bail release of suspected felons, early release from prison for violent offenders, and reduced budgets for hiring police officers, has spurred enlightened thinkers to seek an alternate approach. In Los Angeles, that approach is a new advisory urging victims to “cooperate and comply” with those assaulting and robbing them.

LAPD Chief Michael Moore explained that “money that could’ve paid for increased police patrols in dangerous areas has been diverted to the city’s new experimental guaranteed minimum income program. So there’s very little we can do to protect the innocent from criminals. Even if we accidentally run across a crime in progress and apprehend the perp, chances are he won’t spend more than a few hours in custody before a judge orders his release. As a result, we’re now advising people to protect themselves.”

“The best thing you can do to stay safe is not go out in public for any reason,” Moore said. “Assuming that you might need to go out to buy food, for example, do it during daylight hours in safer neighborhoods. Avoid crime hot spots like areas near public housing, bars, restaurants, homeless encampments, public parks, drug pushers, sex workers, and the like. And don’t take anything of value with you like cash, cell phones, watches, or jewelry.”

“We used to tell people to drive to the nearest police station if they feel threatened,” Moore remembered. “Now that is risky because we could be releasing dangerous suspects from those locations at any time of day or night. Your safest option is to cooperate and comply with whatever the criminal demands. If he wants to rob you give him whatever he asks for. You can always get new stuff. If he wants to rape you don’t resist. Rape by itself isn’t fatal. It’s the force the rapist has to use to subdue you that is apt to cause great bodily harm.”

“Remember, as we transition to the ‘great reset’ norms will change,” Moore pointed out. “Those who adapt to the new lifestyle and values the quickest will suffer the least. As we lose our attachments to material goods, individualism, and privacy take pride that your city is on the leading edge of this transformation.”

Meanwhile in New York City, Hawk Newsome, co-founder of Black Lives Matter of Greater New York warned newly elected Mayor Eric Adams “not to try to undo Mayor de Blasio’s decriminalization of crime. If he thinks that they’re going to go back to the old ways of policing, then we are going to take to the streets again. There will be riots, there will be fire and there will be bloodshed.” If there is rioting it will be especially unpleasant wading through the tons of garbage that is piling up since 1400 sanitation workers were furloughed without pay at de Blasio’s orders for not getting vaccinated for covid.