Shut Down Order Assailed

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Pennsylvania Gov. Tom Wolf’s order directing all but “life-sustaining” businesses to shut down has spurred objections from several sectors. The law firm of Costopoulos, Foster & Fields asked the Pennsylvania Supreme Court for an emergency injunction to allow the firm to reopen.

“The governor’s order is so broad and sweeping, it is manifestly unconstitutional and illegal,” wrote William Costopoulos. “No work is more essential than defending our clients accused of crimes. The postponement of trials that has been offered as a justification for temporarily shutting down our office is not a sufficient remedy. Under our laws, the accused has the right to a speedy trial. If that isn’t available, the charges must be dropped.”

David Taylor, president and CEO of the Pennsylvania Manufacturers’ Association, pointed out that “Wolf’s order is blocking supply chains from providing essential products. The order has halted timber operations that are necessary to resupply the paper products that have disappeared from store shelves. It has also stopped the coal production needed for manufacturing the steel required for making other essential products.”

Wolf rebuffed the objections, asserting that “now that the federal government is going to mail everyone a check, there isn’t a need to manufacture anything. All anyone has to do is order what they need by phone or over the Internet and it can be delivered to their home while they shelter-in-place. As for the lawyers, they can consult with their clients by phone from home and write their briefs on their laptop computers. Their clients will be well-cared for in jail, unless they are in the Philadelphia jurisdiction, where those indicted for crimes will be released for the duration of the crisis.”

In related news, California Sen. Kamala Harris, rumored “short list” contender for the vice-presidential running mate slot on a Democratic ticket with presidential candidate former Vice-President Joe Biden, urged that “all low-risk prison inmates should be released. Being cooped up in close quarters during the epidemic could be a death sentence. That would be a cruel and unusual punishment for individuals whose only crime is a ‘property crime.’ The next Democratic Administration will usher in a new attitude toward property where the government will take it from those who don’t need it and give it to those who do. Why should individuals who have already taken the initiative to do this on their own continue to be punished in our prisons?”

Trump Blamed for Coronavirus

With New York City accounting for a disproportionately large share of the coronavirus cases in the US, Mayor Bill de Blasio is blaming President Trump because “we need radical action right away.”

The Mayor declined to take any radical action himself, saying “that’s not my job. There needs to be a single point from which all dictates must be issued. That point is the President. Those of us at the local level must remain free, as we have been thus far, to criticize any mistakes or flaws that might taint the President’s actions.”

One of the “flaws” that the President’s political opponents have freely criticized so far was “the racist travel ban” Trump imposed on travel to the US from China in early February. Former Vice-President Joe Biden denounced the ban calling it “xenophobic, unnecessary, and a threat to the sensitive business arrangements between the Chinese government and my son.” However, medical experts are now crediting Trump’s travel ban for reducing the spread of the disease in the US.

In related news, CNN’s Stephen Collinson charges that “Trump’s repeated efforts to offer Americans a glimmer of hope in these dark times impedes the portrait of disaster and doom we have been cultivating. Look, our efforts to oust Trump over Russian collusion was years in the making and fell through. We got the House to impeach him over the Ukraine phone call, but were stymied by the Senate’s refusal to convict. This virus may be our last chance before voters reelect him in November. Surely the chaos that has ensued since he took office ought to show the American people that their best hope for peace and quiet won’t be attained as long as Trump remains president.”

Senators Say Insider-Trading Law Doesn’t Apply

Revelations that several senators privy to inside information on the coronavirus managed to sell some of their stocks before the market crash has inspired accusations that they broke the law. The specific law in question is the Stop Trading on Congressional Knowledge (STOCK) Act. This law was passed by Congress and signed by President Obama in 2012. Violations could result in prison terms of up to 20 years and fines up to $5,000,000.

Sen. Diane Feinstein (D-Calif), who serves as ranking member of the Senate Judiciary Committee, was one of the senators accused of violating this law. The others were Richard Burr (R-NC), Kelly Loeffler (R-GA), James Inhofe (R-OK) and Ron Johnson (R-Wisc).

Feinstein admitted that “I can’t speak to the guilt or innocence of the others, but I can state that the law does not apply to me. First, it is my husband who makes all the investment decisions in our household, even when it comes to trading my stocks. So, no one can prove beyond a reasonable doubt that I broke the law. Second, President Obama would never have signed the bill into law if he thought it would ever be used against a public figure of my stature and long tenure.”

Loeffler, whose husband is the chairman and CEO of the New York Stock Exchange, honed in on the statute’s “for profit” clause and explained that “my husband makes all of our family’s investment decisions and as he told me, the sale was not ‘for profit,’ but to avoid a loss.” Burr, Inhofe, and Johnson each asserted “same here” after learning of “exculpatory explanations” offered by Feinstein and Loeffler.

Teens Prank Grocery Store

Pushed to the breaking point by the closure of restaurants, movies, beaches and other favorite sources of amusement, some teens are coughing on grocery store produce. One incident occurred in the Washington DC exurb of Purcellville, Virginia. Police investigating the case said that “there is a national trend by teenagers to cough on food, video it and post the video on the web.”

Malcolm Tendt, admitted “camera man” in the Virginia prank, defended his peers, asking “what are we supposed to do for fun? None of the guys doing the coughing are really sick. The geezers who see us in the stores aren’t supposed to be there and they’re not tech-savvy enough to find our posts on the Internet. So, who are we hurting?”

Meanwhile in San Francisco, government officials have turned a blind eye to the rampant looting sweeping the locked-down city. Mayor London Breed suggested that “there’s probably less of a chance of catching the virus breaking into a closed business than standing in line to buy food and toilet paper from a business that’s open. I don’t think police resources should be used to harass people who are only trying to stay healthy while meeting their daily needs.”

Schiff Claims Immunity

House Intelligence Committee chairman Adam Schiff (D-Calif) has claimed “sovereign immunity” in his attempt to thwart public scrutiny of the Trump impeachment hearing transcripts and supporting documents that he has declared “must forever remain secret.”

“The essence of effective government relies heavily upon our ability to conceal our methods from those without a ‘need to know,’” Schiff argued. “Right now, China is overtaking us as the world’s dominant power largely because of their ability to operate without fear of external scrutiny. If we hope to keep pace we must adapt similar methods. Outsiders like the execrable Judicial Watch, who seek to defame and undermine the government, should not be empowered to interfere.”

In related news, the Democratic National Committee asked the U.S. District Court for Northern Illinois to dismiss Carter Page’s lawsuit for defamation of character. “Mr. Page is such a minor figure is the flow of history that his reputation is of no significance,” the Perkins-Coie motion asserted. “Weightier matters were at stake, namely whether the nation could be saved from the election of an unqualified outsider as the nation’s president. Future heroic efforts like those of the Clinton campaign, David Steele, and Perkins Coie in 2016 must not be discouraged out of fear of having to pay monetary damages for actions taken in pursuit of their sincerely held political beliefs.”

German Army to Fight Coronavirus

Anxious to recapture “the patriotic solidarity of the German people during World War II,” Chancellor Angela Merkel is calling on the Army “to smash the virus like we smashed Poland in 1939.”

The Chancellor was unable to lay out any specific actions the Army would take other than to suggest “it would definitely be a rapid, blitzkrieg type of approach. If we can inspire the same kind of fanaticism among the troops that enabled us to conquer Poland in less than six weeks, I’m confident that we can conquer the coronavirus in short order. And this time we will not repeat the errors that Chancellor Hitler made by attacking Russia and declaring war on the United States.”

Meanwhile in the United States, actor Sean Penn advised “the US Army to overthrow the inept Trump regime and install a military government that will take the stern measures needed to combat the coronavirus. We need total obedience from everyone, internment camps for dangerous deviants, and summary executions for those who resist authority. That’s what my friend Hugo Chavez did to set Venezuela on the right track before he died.”

Reporter Sees Upside of Pandemic

CBS correspondent Vladimir Duthiers urged viewers to “try to see the positive aspects of the coronavirus pandemic. Only a few thousand have died. I’m not trying to sugarcoat that. At the same time, though, shutting down businesses and quarantining people in their homes has had beneficial impacts on the environment. Here in Italy, traffic is light. The air is clean. I think this shows what the whole world could be like if the trucking and bartering of the marketplace were to be replaced with a command economy.”

Duthiers observed that “fear of the virus has made the population docile and obedient in a way that could not be as easily achieved under normal circumstances. Individuals who would have otherwise resisted the type regimentation that has been accomplished over the last couple of weeks are actually cheering the government on and calling for nonconformists to be punished. It’s a miraculous breakthrough that provides a clear road map on to how to implement the progressive transformation of human society.”

Coronavirus Prompts Revised Transit Policies

In a bid to protect citizens from undue exposure to the coronavirus, the Madison, Wisconsin Metro Transit system has issued new guidelines for bus operations. Starting this week, Metro Transit will limit the number of persons allowed on a bus to one at a time.

Mayor Satya Rhodes-Conway pointed out that “since each bus requires a driver, no passengers will be allowed on board as long as the driver is behind the wheel. We recognize that ordinarily this would present a hardship for those who depend on public transit to get around the City. To mitigate the hardship on riders, I have ordered all residents to shelter-in-place where they live.”

“To boost community morale, the buses will continue to travel their usual routes,” the Mayor added. “That way when people look out their windows they’ll still see the buses running and be comforted. The drivers will still have jobs and the paychecks that go with those jobs. This will partially offset the economic losses of the businesses I have ordered to close and the employees who will be out of work.”

“Anti-civic naysayers will say that these new policies are senseless, but I challenge them to offer any better ideas they may have for coping with the unprecedented conditions I am faced with,” she concluded.

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Why I Can’t Support Joe Biden

Joe Biden opposes:

  • The sanctity of life, supporting abortion
  • criminal penalties for harming a pre-born child by persons committing a crime against the mother
  • notifying the parents of minors who obtain out of state abortions
  • the nomination of Robert Bork, Samuel Alito and John Roberts for the U.S. Supreme Court justice
  • Effective border security
  • School vouchers for children trapped in failing public schools
  • Voluntary prayer in schools
  • Photo ID for voting
  • Second Amendment and citizens’ right of self protection

Biden supports:

  • federal funding for embryonic stem cell research, which treats humans as disposable and which has never resulted in the treatment of a single disease, yet he wants federal funding expanded
  • human cloning
  • hate crime laws
  • the Equal Rights Amendment
  • free college tuition for all
  • gun control
  • sanctuary cities
  • social security for illegal aliens

Biden flip-flopped on:

  • Death penalty
  • Crime, was tough on it in 1990s, now considers it racist
  • No Child Left Behind


  • Exposed as plagiarist in college
  • Strongly supported by radical NEA
  • has an anti-family values voting record
  • agrees that Tea Parties are not “terrorists”

For more, read:

The Beltway Bidens: Creepy, crooked, and NOT just like us

Eight Things to Know About the Biden Family’s Culture of Corruption

Biden’s Corruption Problem

Joe Biden’s Corruption with China

Special Counsel to Implement a Nude Selfie’ Strategy

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Robert Mueller, the Special Counsel appointed to investigate possible collusion between the Trump presidential campaign and Russia, has opened a new front after discovering a “nude selfie” among the millions of pages of documents it has seized from Concord Management.

Mueller called the discovery “a real eye opener. The depravity I’ve unveiled since I began my quest to rid the nation of the evil Trump Administration has lurched from covertly recorded conversations between members of the Trump campaign and the provocateurs the FBI inserted within their ranks to simulate illicit connections with Russians, to coerced admissions of lying to FBI investigators, and now to a revelation of at least one lewd image transmitted over the Internet.”

The possibility that we could photo-shop nude images of Trump, his family members, Congressional supporters, and others committing embarrassing and sordid acts had not previously occurred to us,” Mueller admitted. “Based on descriptions provided by Stormy Daniels we’re confident that we can create humiliating portraits of all the Trump men. With the cooperation of the media these portraits will saturate the air waves. And since most people accept that seeing is believing, the only way for Trump and his minions to dodge this bullet would be to opt for a timely retirement from public life.”

Dems Forge Ahead to Transform America

In a year-end reflection, Oakland Mayor Libby Schaaf “took pride in the aid I was able to give to immigrants being pursued by ICE. Oakland is a sanctuary city. As such I feel it is my obligation to protect all our inhabitants from persecution by federal authorities. Sure, some of the undocumented immigrants living here have criminal records, but so do some of the native-born citizens. Accepting the fact that a portion of any population must live outside the law is what is required if we truly respect the values of diversity.”

I have no regrets,” Schaaf asserted. “The victims of crimes committed by those who escaped ICE apprehension due to my warning might just as easily been victimized by citizen-criminals. So, there’s no direct link between my act of mercy toward immigrants and any specific crime. In fact, the success of Democrats in the November election shows that voters in California approve of open borders, sanctuary cities, and the eventual restoration of Mexican sovereignty over land stolen by US military aggression during the 1800s.”

Meanwhile, Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D-NY) declared his state’s independence from the federal government. “After a long train of abuses, we are exercising our rights under the Constitution to sever the bonds between our state and the federal government, except for the federal aid that is owed us,” Cuomo announced. He further warned the State’s two senators that “I shall ask the legislature to recall them if they fail to protect New York’s allotment of federal funds.”

In Texas, recently defeated senatorial candidate Beto O’Rourke rushed to the El Paso Greyhound bus station with a stack of voter registration forms after ICE released 200 illegal immigrants there while they wait for a refugee status hearing scheduled for 2020. “In all likelihood, these people are going to be here in the United States for the foreseeable future,” O’Rourke said. “As human beings they have a natural right to participate in electing those who will govern them. As the first person to come to their assistance in exercising this right I hope I can count on their support when I run for president next year.”

Boston Marathon Bomber Death Sentence Challenged

Attorneys for Boston Marathon bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev filed a 500 page brief in the 1st U.S. District Court of Appeals arguing that the death sentence handed down after his conviction should be tossed aside. Their key argument is that “the trial judge refused to grant a change of venue.”

The trial was held in Boston, a city of widespread antipathy to the Muslim religious obligation to wage war against unbelievers,” the attorneys wrote. “The jury pool was comprised of unbelievers in spite of the fact that Islamic law requires that Muslims be judged only by members of the faith. A parade of infidel witnesses were permitted to give testimony that portrayed Tsarnaev as a criminal rather than the righteous warrior that he, in fact, is for the faith of Islam.”

The attorneys’ brief contends that “if the trial venue had been moved to Chechnya where a jury of Muslim men could have more impartially weighed the evidence a sentence of death would never have been imposed. At most, our client would have been asked to pay reparations to the families of the deceased. For these reasons we demand that the death sentence be commuted so Dzhokhar will be able to pay reparations out of the $2 per day wages he could earn in the prison laundry.”

CNN Irked by Trump Iraq Visit

After first complaining that “Trump’s unannounced trip to Iraq didn’t give ISIS a fair chance to interdict his unwanted presence in Muslim territory,” CNN’s Jim Acosta pivoted to a complaint that “his improper friendliness with US troops was unpresidential.”

Acosta differentiated President Trump’s signing of autographs from President Obama’s signing of autographs by pointing out “President Obama was a Nobel Prize winner who was honestly elected by a majority of voters. Trump is just a real estate developer who colluded with the Russians and still only won via an electoral college technicality, even though Sec. Clinton had more total votes.”

In related news, it turns out that lionized “journalist” Jamal Khashoggi, who was killed in the Saudi Consulate in Turkey, was a covert operative working on behalf of Qatar to publish anti-Saudi propaganda using his position as an op ed writer for the Washington PostPost editor Fred Hiatt denied any knowledge of Khashoggi’s role as a propagandist saying “how could we know? He fit right in with everything we were saying about Trump and Saudi Arabia. As far as we could tell his views were our views.”

Senator Says Increased Welfare Spending Will Reduce Homicides

Sen Dick Durbin (D-Ill) urged President Trump “to take a lesson from President Obama and boost federal welfare spending in Chicago if he’s serious about curbing the city’s soaring homicide rate.”

The gang-bangers who are shooting each other, witnesses, and innocent bystanders are justifiably angry that the public housing provided is not as luxurious as what they can afford from pushing illegal drugs,” Durbin said. “They are also miffed that the federally-funded job training they are offered only leads to entry level jobs and, at best, middle income salaries. In contrast, the profits from criminal activities enable them to afford the fancy clothes, jewelry, and cars that corporate executive salaries can buy.”

We need to raise the value of the perks that welfare can offer to a level high enough to dissuade young people from choosing crime as a way of life,” the Senator argued. “President Obama understood this. I don’t think Trump gets it.”

Democrats Now Party of the Rich

In the November elections, Democrats won in the 20 richest congressional districts. An ebullient Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif), currently vacationing during the “cruel” government shutdown at the Fairmont Orchid resort in Hawaii (where room rates range from $900 per night for a regular room to $5,000 for a suite) bragged that “the ultimate demise of the Republican Party is imminent. Democrats own the Black vote, the Hispanic vote, the immigrant vote, the welfare vote. We have more campaign money from wealthy donors than Republicans can ever hope to see.”

The coalition of small business owners, farmers, middle-income wage-earners, craftsmen, and religious zealots that Trump relied on to steal the 2016 election represents a dwindling faction of the American population,” Pelosi pointed out. “They will be unable to stop the juggernaut of progressives that we have assembled. The wisest course for the rump of Republicans who hope to keep their political careers and perks is to cooperate with us in the transition to the socialist future that President Obama promised would be our fate.”

A taste of the collective mindset the Democrats say will be our future was seen in the identical Christmas tweets sent out by Rep. Pelosi and Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY) slamming President Trump, gloating over the trillions of dollars in losses a plunging stock market has inflicted on the future pensions, IRAs and 401k retirement funds, and the possible economic recession and unemployment this may herald for the coming year.

Senators Wonder If Catholics Are Qualified to Be Judges

Senators Mazie Hirono (D-Hawaii) and Kamala Harris (D-Calif) are concerned that judicial nominee Brian Buescher’s membership in the Knights of Columbus—a Catholic charity—might disqualify him from being confirmed as a federal judge.

In general, Catholics are kind of out of step with the values I think we want our country to have,” Hirono said. “Their belief that marriage is a bond between a man and a woman and their opposition to abortion are at odds with the law. Joining the Knights of Columbus demonstrates a degree of religious fanaticism beyond that of the typical Sunday churchgoer. Should we put such religious fanatics in a position to preside over trials?”

I view support for abortion as a litmus test I will use in vetting candidates for judgeships if I’m elected president,” Harris opined. “It seems to me that consistency requires that I apply the same criteria as a senator asked to confirm nominees advanced by any president.”

Both Senators agreed that it would be wrong to consider a Muslim’s religion as a factor in assessing his qualifications for being appointed to a federal court. “As far as we know,” Harris said, “Muslims are only opposed to abortions for members of their own faith. Unbelievers terminating their own pregnancies alleviates the need to convert, oppress or kill these individuals once sharia law is established.”


A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

How Media Toasts Hurt the GOP Establishment

By Brent Bozell and Tim Graham, Newsbusters
November 4, 2017

A Morning Consult poll released on Halloween offers a scary result for establishment Republicans. They tested the approval/disapproval ratings of current members of the U.S. Senate. Guess who was in the cellar? Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell ranked dead last on a recent poll of senators’ popularity.flake-mccain

Guess who came in second to last? Jeff Flake, the Arizona senator who’s retiring because he couldn’t possibly win a Republican primary. Then guess who came in third with highest disapproval? Sen. John McCain.

Now take a look at who has the highest approval. Bernie Sanders came in first at 71 percent. Right behind him was his fellow leftist from Vermont, Patrick Leahy, at 67 percent.

What lesson can we take from this particular survey? It starts with the media elites. When the media love a leftist, that only helps them with their base. The friend of my friend is my friend. It also endears them to independents, since the media portray leftists as feisty populists for the common man, and not as the over-regulating, super-taxing socialists they are.

On the other hand, when the media love a Republican, that causes great problems with the Republican’s conservative base. The friend of my enemy is my enemy.  It’s one obvious reason why McCain, despite (or more accurately because of) media valentines, couldn’t defeat George W. Bush in the 2000 primaries.

Trump voters cannot stand McCain’s personal crusade against Trump. The media desperately want Republicans to attack Trump as viciously as they do, but getting on the wrong side of Trump is a perilous place to be.

Senator Flake’s speech on the Senate floor announcing the inevitable – that running for re-election was fruitless – made him the toast of MSNBC. Joe Scarborough gushed “This was our ‘Mr. Smith Goes to Washington,’ where you had a senator saying on the floor that the President of the United States in his party was a threat to constitutional norms, societal norms, and our children.” Predictably, Chris Matthews also dragged out the Jimmy Stewart movie reference, comparing Flake’s speech to “a moment straight from a great novel or movie.”

When a Republican is the toast of MSNBC, he’s toast with conservatives.

Let’s stipulate that Mitch McConnell isn’t a media darling like the two Arizonans. It’s easy to recall how the journalists now wanting Trump impeached/indicted had a conniption when McConnell said out loud in 2010 that his first goal was to deny Obama re-election. They reacted like he’d slapped the Pope in the face while kicking Santa Claus in the groin. But to both right and left, McConnell represents Entrenched Washington, and right now, he embodies the disgust conservatives feel for having many of their policy aims sidelined and/or squashed.

Not every senator fits the formula. The fourth least popular senator is Robert Menendez, Democrat of New Jersey, now on trial for felony corruption charges. Of note: his rotten approval rating cannot be connected to national media coverage, since he is a Democrat. Forget accusations against Trump, or indictments against Manafort. We are talking here about a trial, where the defense has now rested. Network evening news coverage on ABC, CBS, NBC? Zero.

Corruption, in the eyes of our partisan media, is solely a Trump problem, just like colluding with Russia to manipulate the election, or hating facts you find inconvenient. When Republicans agreeably proclaim that only Trump is ruining Washington on all of these things, they are trapped in the liberal media mind-meld.


Obama to Receive ‘Profiles in Courage’ Award

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnThe Kennedy Presidential Library’s annual “Profiles in Courage” Award for 2017 will go to former President Barack Obama. The Award, named after the 1957 Pulitzer Prize winning book ghost written for then Massachusetts Democratic Sen. John F. Kennedy, is given to individuals displaying extraordinary political courage by taking an unpopular course of action. The award ceremony will take place in May, when former First Daughter Caroline Kennedy and grandson of the late JFK, Jack Schlossberg, bestow the prize.

Faced with unrelenting adulation and widespread demands that he declare himself ‘president for life,’ President Obama courageously agreed to follow the law and step down after two terms,” Schlossberg said. “This gracious emulation of our nation’s first chief executive put him at odds with the majority of Americans who clearly would have supported his continuation in office as a down payment on the reparations for slavery that he has championed during his political career. That he would exit the presidency in a move that his core constituency would characterize as ‘acting white’ demonstrated an ‘off-the-charts’ level of personal fortitude.”

Obama is the third former president to win the award. In 2001, former President Gerald Ford was honored for the unconditional pardon he granted to Richard Nixon in 1974 for “all offenses that has committed or may have committed or taken part in” while president. In 2014, former President George H.W. Bush was honored for joining with Democrats to break his 1988 campaign pledge of “no new taxes.”

The speed with which the “Profiles in Courage” award was made to Obama mirrored that of his winning the Nobel Peace Prize in 2009. Ironically, the United States was constantly at war for his eight years as president when bragged that he was “really good at killing people” with drone strikes. Schlossberg expressed confidence that there wouldn’t be any similar embarrassment over the “Profiles” award since “the refusal to seize power can’t be undone now that he has surrendered the reins to his successor.”

French Candidate Targeted by EU Parliament

The European Parliament cleared the way for the French government to prosecute populist candidate for the presidency, Marine LePen, for her 2015 tweet of “terroristic images.” The images showed ISIS atrocities. If convicted, LePen could be imprisoned for up to three years and fined 75,000 Euros.

LePen, who has been highly critical of the virtually unrestricted immigration of Muslims into France, assailed the EU’s actions, calling them “yet more proof of everything we’ve been saying. The government’s misguided attempts to be compassionate have endangered the lives of our citizens and pose a threat to our nation’s survival. Right now, swaths of our cities have been turned into backward Hellholes where French men and women dare not set foot lest they be assaulted, raped, or killed by Muslim thugs.”

The refugees from Africa and the Middle East make no effort to learn our culture and minimal effort to obey our laws,” LePen said. “They replicate the squalid and violent conditions of the homelands they are fleeing. They boast of the day when they will outnumber us and Islamify the entire country. If it is to be illegal for us to point out the danger we are laying the groundwork for our subjugation and massacre by these aliens and their murderous ideology.”

EU Member of Parliament Laura Ferrara contended that “Ms. LePen is only making matters worse by her repeated defamation of this religious minority. The handwriting has been on the wall for some time now. Europeans do not reproduce at a high enough rate to fend off the inundation of our land and culture by the more fecund Muslim immigrants. Inciting them will not save us. Submitting to the will of Allah will. If all the world is for Islam the terror will cease. We will all be part of the umma and be entitled to the common respect all Muslims pay to each other.”

The kind of respect Ms. Ferrara can expect as a Muslim female seems dubious. Further, despite the rhetoric, Muslims do a lot of fighting among themselves. Many of the victims of ISIS brutality are Muslims deemed insufficiently compliant with the group’s rigid expectations for obedience. Making the whole world Muslim is more likely to permanently institutionalize terror than abolish it.

In related news, Syrian refugees living in Modum, a small municipality in the south of Norway, complain that the modest apartments provided to them free-of-charge are inadequate. “We are Muslims,” Abdulhadi Alkhalaf pointed out. “We are entitled by our faith to accommodations superior to those enjoyed by the unbelievers. We demand suitably-sized houses be provided.”

Governor Vetoes Investigation of Vote Fraud

Gov. Terry McAuliffe (D-Va) vetoed a bill that would have prompted investigations in counties where the number of persons registered to vote exceeded the total number of citizens eligible to vote. The Governor defended his veto, saying that “the right to vote is a fundamental human right. Republican attempts to limit this right based on country of origin is inherently racist and unfair.”

The bill’s sponsor, Sen. Mark Obenshain (R-Harrisonburg), called the Governor’s action “outrageous. Voting is a civil right exercised by the citizens of this state. Immigrants need to go through the procedures laid out in the law to become citizens before they register and cast ballots. Waiving this requirement as the Governor would have us do dilutes the civil rights of every lawful voter.”

McAuliffe derided Obenshain’s position. “The onerous process of naturalization is one that few native-born citizens could accomplish,” McAuliffe maintained. “I don’t see the ‘diluting’ the votes of ignorant natives as a negative. Immigrants, especially those in the country without proper documentation, have as great an interest in the government programs providing them with benefits as anyone. Their voices deserve to be heard. Voting is the way to ensure that they are heard.”

Trump Speech Rankles Democrats

President Donald Trump’s speech to Congress this week rankled key Democrats. While some, including CNN’s Van Jones saw it as “presidential” in tone, others, including Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) insisted it was “detached from reality. The real Trump is a snarling, mean-spirited hater. This speech was an attempt to conceal that reality behind a tired call for the country to unite behind a common goal to make America great.”

He says he wants to work with Democrats, but he hasn’t reached out to us,” Schumer complained. “Everything is about his promises to the American people. Well, more than half the American voters favored his opponent. Until he recognizes and accommodates this reality we will have to try to block him every step of the way.”

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) took a similar stance. “The notion that Trump can make America great by reversing the policies of President Obama is ludicrous,” she asserted. “Promising to put people back to work may serve the interests of the rednecks who voted for Trump, but it has got to be scary for the tens of millions relieved of this onus by the increased government benefits the Democratic Administration gave them. When the government gives you a place to live and food to eat do you still really want to be put to work at some soul-numbing job?”

Pelosi praised “the courage of my fellow Democrats who vocally expressed their displeasure with Trump’s new Victims of Immigration Crime Engagement proposal. Now is not the time for initiating a new entitlement for what has got to be a tiny minority, especially when the immigrants who will have to bear the brunt of his deportation scheme are far more numerous. Even worse, his proposed ‘merit-based’ approach to immigration would block the most needy while selfishly allowing a preferential treatment to the smaller self-sustaining and productive fraction of those wanting to come to our country.”

In related news, Trump’s preference for having his steak well-done and eating it with ketchup repulsed gourmets around the globe. “Putting ketchup on a steak is something a child would do,” Sen. Lindsay Graham (R-SC) observed. “Can we really abide having a person of such inappropriate tastes as the leader of the free world? When we add his reluctance to go to war with Russia, I think we must seriously reconsider his fitness to lead.”

Dems May Look to “Transracials” to Boost Non-White Staff

Struggling to make the racial composition of staffers more closely resemble the general population, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) is urging more of the 93% who are Caucasian “to look deep into themselves to see if they may be Black, Latino, or Muslim.”

We have made great strides incorporating transsexuals into the workforce to help boost the female cohort of our staff,” Schumer remarked. “This got me to thinking that there must be a contingent of transracials out there who could help us meet our non-white quota. Maybe Rachel Dolezal was out ahead of the curve on this. I mean, the people that mocked her for declaring herself to be Black may have missed the boat. Who’s to say she is wrong? If a person with a penis can declare himself a woman, then why can’t a person with pale skin declare himself Black? There’s probably more physical evidence for a white person being biologically part Black than there is for a man being part woman.”

Meanwhile, the woman formerly known as Rachel Dolezal has finalized her transition to Black by adopting the name Nkechi Amare Diallo—a West African name that means “gift of god.” Perhaps if more of the Congressional staffers were to simply adopt African names the concerns of Sen. Schumer would be assuaged.

A Satirical Look at Recent News 

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

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Montana Governor Blocks Right to Bear Arms

By  John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnMontana Governor Steve Bullock (D) vetoed legislation that would have made the state a “Constitutional carry” state. That is, individuals would be permitted to exercise their right to bear arms as defined in the US Constitution’s Second Amendment without having to obtain state or local government permission to do so.

In his veto message, Bullock declared that “the idea that an individual is qualified to determine whether he needs to carry a firearm is absurd. Selfish concern for self-preservation at the expense of broader social goals must not derail sensible gun control. Right now, far too many people have guns. We ought to be culling the herd of individuals who the state decides do not need these weapons.”

“The police have enough weapons to protect the people who are essential members of society,” the Governor asserted. “If more private individuals start carrying it would dilute the government’s ability to focus the use of deadly force in a more socially just and effective manner.”

“As for the tired argument that individuals might need these weapons to defend their lives and property, I say nonsense,” Bullock said. “First, no one has the right to shoot another person over a piece of property. Just because a person possesses that property doesn’t refute someone else’s claim to it. Those dispossessed by an unjust society may be more entitled to it than the person they are supposedly ‘robbing.’ If both parties are armed the violence would be escalated. Granted, it would be preferable for the dispossessed to wait for government to effect the transfer, but I blame archaic laws for their impatience.”

Trump Rescinds Obama Edict on Bathrooms

President Trump’s Executive Order rescinding President Obama’s Executive Order commanding federally funded institutions to permit individuals to use the bathrooms of the sex they imagine themselves to be sparked outrage from the gender-confused and their advocates.

Illinois Democratic gubernatorial aspirant J.B. Pritzker used Trump’s action to solidify his credentials to the deranged base of the Party by advocating that “everyone should use the other gender’s bathroom as a protest against Trump’s tyranny.”

Pritzker’s ploy was criticized by Illinois State Rep. Will Guzzardi (D-Chicago) as “missing the point of the Obama edict. Knowingly using the bathroom of the ‘other gender’ contradicts the intent of the directive. Urging a man who believes he is a woman to use the bathroom of the ‘other gender’ would guide him to the men’s room. This exacerbates the biological injustice already inflicted on that person.”

Olympic champion transgender Caitlyn Jenner called Trump’s move “devastating. The option of entering restrooms or locker rooms of the gender to which a person may contemplate switching is an important way of gathering data that could help determine whether to make the switch or not. Finding out whether you would be comfortable within previously off-limits environments seems to me to be a necessary step in identifying one’s own sexual orientation.”

CNN talking head Chris Cuomo characterized Trump’s approach as “a return to bigotry. The right would like to emphasize a ‘worst case’ scenario where perverts feign transgenderism in order to gawk at or molest young girls. These girls and their over-protective fathers need to get over their prejudices against showering with people they think are men just because they have a man’s anatomy. Those trapped in the wrong body are the most oppressed members of society. The government needs to do everything it can to lift them out of their misery. By negating President Obama’s grant of protective status for them Trump is on the wrong side of history.”

Presidential Press Secretary Sean Spicer ridiculed the hyperventilation over the issue saying that “all the President did was rescind his predecessor’s illegal imposition of a rule for which there is no legal authority. The US Constitution does not grant the federal government the power to decree who may use which bathroom. The 9th and 10th Amendments clearly reserve this power to the people and the states. We are merely removing a turd left behind by a usurpation that ought never to have occurred.”

Mexico Has Plan to Counter Trump’s Wall

Angry that US President Trump has deviated from twenty years of “benign neglect” in response to illegal immigration, the Mexican government bragged that it has “an inexpensive countermeasure that will completely neutralize Mr. Trump’s highly touted wall.”

Foreign Minister Luis Videgaray maintained that “simple economics will defeat all of his attempts to stop our people from reclaiming what is rightfully ours. There is no way Mr. Trump can neutralize the prosperity in America that gives virtually every Mexican the incentive to go to America. As long as my country can continue policies that assure the wealth gap will remain, the flow northward will be unending.”

“On a tactical level, a wall is an insufficient barrier,” Videgaray continued. “We will build ladders and catapults to carry people and drugs over it. These will cost us little compared to what the Americans will pay to build the thing. The billions they spend will be in vain.”

Sweden in Throes of Islamic Crime Wave

Sweden has long been admired by the left as a model society. This Scandinavian “Eden” has avoided getting embroiled in foreign wars. They were even able to get along with the Nazis when so many other countries couldn’t. Their socially tolerant attitudes led them to admit hundreds of thousands of Muslim immigrants.

This past week, US President Donald Trump referenced “what’s going on in Sweden” in support of his efforts to exercise greater scrutiny over who is allowed into America. The media characterized Trump’s statement as “false” or “delusional” since there have been no large scale jihadi terrorist attacks in Sweden.

However, large scale attacks aren’t the only dangerous consequence of Sweden’s generosity toward Muslim immigrants. Since allowing hundreds of thousands of them into the country crime rates have soared, the streets have become unsafe, and frequent disorder has become a mounting problem.

Per Jimmie Akesson and Mattias Karlsson, leaders of the Swedish Democrats Party, sided with Trump. “The situation is worse than he portrayed in his speech,” Karlsson contended. “Police officers, firefighters and ambulance personnel are regularly attacked. Anti-Semitism has risen. Jews in are threatened, harassed and assaulted in the streets. Cars left unguarded are routinely set on fire. Muslim men comprise 2% of the population in Sweden, but commit 77% of the rapes. The government officials who brought this on with their careless immigration policies are in a state of denial about the Hell they’ve unleashed on our citizens.”

Sweden’s justice and migration minister Morgan Johansson denounced Akesson and Karlsson for spreading what he insisted was “an inaccurate and unflattering picture of our country. The damage done to tourism from these unwanted reports of immigrant unrest goes far beyond the damage done by the Muslim rioters and criminals. Millions, perhaps billions, in revenues are at stake if this view is allowed to influence people’s decision to visit Sweden. I can think of no punishment too severe for what these two have done.”

Of course, Sweden isn’t the only European country to have suffered from excessive Muslim immigration. Germany’s domestic security and intelligence agency reports that the number of radical Islamists in the country has risen by over 1500% since 2013. In Denmark, a Dane is going on trial for blasphemy because he burned a Koran. The Danish government defended the action as “essential if we hope to head off the kind of rioting that occurred after a Danish newspaper published cartoons lampooning Muhammad in 2005. It is better that one man be publicly punished for this offense than that thousands suffer another outbreak of religious violence.”

California Senator Silenced for Disrespecting Tom Hayden

After the California legislature memorialized former State Senator Tom Hayden, who died last October, Sen. Janet Nguyen (R-Garden Grove) attempted to offer another perspective on the former 1960s radical anti-war agitator. Presiding Sen. Ricardo Lara (D-Bell Gardens) ordered her to shut up and when she wouldn’t, had her physically removed from the senate chamber.

“I realize that many of the senators who honored the late Sen. Hayden may have been ignorant of his role in prolonging the Vietnam War and enabling the Communists to kill millions of my former countrymen,” Nguyen said. “Rather than let his misdeeds go down the memory hole I wanted a few minutes to offer a balanced account of the role he played.”

Lara dismissed GOP contentions that not allowing Nguyen’s remarks constituted unwarranted censorship. “Words must be worthy of being heard before they can be permitted to be spoken,” he argued. “To many in the Democratic Party Hayden was a hero. Nothing Sen. Nguyen could say would change that. Clearly, granting her leave to speak would’ve been a waste of our time no matter how brief her remarks may have been.”

In other California news, facing a $2 billion budget deficit, Governor Jerry Brown (D) urged lawmakers to cut $115 million from the Middle Class Scholarship Program so that funding for the California Dream Act could be spared. The California Dream Act provides scholarships for students in the country illegally. “It is a question of priorities and consequences,” Brown declared. “These middle class kids already are well enough off. They don’t need the help as much as the ‘dreamers’ do. Getting a free education is one of the key reasons why immigrants come to America. If we don’t provide for them their incentive to come here will be diminished. The middle class kids will be here regardless of whether they get aid.”

Feds Pooh-Pooh Concerns About Faked Studies

The National Science Foundation (NSF) Inspector General has found 74 instances where researchers funded by the NSF engaged in plagiarism, falsifying data, stealing, wasting government money, or committing other fraud.

NSF spokesman Bobbie Mixon brushed aside concerns, saying “they are of little consequence. No one reads the reports that we publish. Why should it make any difference whether the results are fake? We are providing an income for members of the academic community. The arcane and basically unreadable documents they produce are a byproduct of that greater objective. Considering the massive amount of money being squandered across a plethora of federal agencies it would be unfair to single out this one enclave of waste, fraud and abuse. After all, do we really want a cadre of unemployed university professors roaming the streets looking for trouble?

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

DOJ Inspector General to Probe FBI

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnDepartment of Justice Inspector General Michael Horowitz announced “an in-depth probe of the strange pre-election day behavior of FBI Director James Comey. Despite the Attorney General’s clear wishes that there be no investigation or prosecution of former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, Comey, who is subordinate to the AG, took it upon himself to issue a public statement announcing a reopening of such an investigation barely a week before the election. This insubordination had the effect of undermining Mrs. Clinton’s campaign.”

“Everyone thought the message had gotten through to Comey when the FBI was denied subpoena powers to compel testimony,” Horowitz explained. “Further, the AG’s grant of immunity to potential witnesses and the ordered destruction of laptops that may have contained information that needed to be kept from public scrutiny should have ended the matter. And so it seemed when Comey made his July recommendation against prosecution based on these impediments to a possible conviction. Mr. Comey’s u-turn on October 28 was a stunning reversal that took a solid week of internal pressure to get him to change course, yet again.”

“Mr. Comey may think he is home-free now that Trump will be the next president a week from now,” Horowitz declared. “But his troublesome meddling will have its consequences both for him personally and the FBI.”

The IG’s action was hailed by the Clinton camp, which is said to be preparing a multi-billion dollar lawsuit for damages. Donna Shalala, president of the Clinton Foundation called “the financial setback to our fund-raising capabilities devastating. The donations that would have flowed into the Foundation if Secretary Clinton had been elected president as we expected have shriveled following her unwarranted defeat. We are suing to compel Mr. Comey and the government to compensate us for the losses caused by his indefensible actions.”

“While it appears unlikely that we could get the court to invalidate the election outcome, we do believe that Mr. Comey will be financially ruined and the federal government, which should have used more permanent methods to contain him, will be ordered to make up for the lost donations—an amount that rightfully should run into the billions of dollars,” Shalala maintained.

Obama Orders Cuban Escapees Sent Back

In his last week before leaving office, President Barack Obama overturned a 50-year U.S. Government policy of allowing Cuban refugees who reach our shores to remain in the country. In contrast to the “dreamers” that Obama has declared must not be sent back to Mexico even though they entered the United States illegally, Cubans arriving without visas will be expelled.

“Refugees from Mexico have a legitimate reason for coming to America,” Obama said. “Their country’s economy isn’t providing sufficient jobs or benefits to support their survival. Cubans don’t face this kind of hardship. Their government is dedicated to ensuring social justice. Everyone who wants a job is guaranteed one. Crucial social services like education and medical care are provided free of charge to all Cubans. There is no valid reason for them to want to leave and even less reason to allow these deranged individuals to stay here.”

The move is seen as a key to improving the relationship between Cuba and the United States. “For too long we have assumed an adversarial stance toward our southern neighbor,” the President asserted. “This has blinded us to the very real progress made under the rule of the Castro brothers. Though our previous policy has proven a drain on the Cuban economy by siphoning off people whom the Cuban government has borne the expense for educating and nurturing, the Castro Administration has graciously agreed to readmit its citizens that we return to them. This demonstration of goodwill in the face of the abuse our country has heaped upon Cuba over the years is an encouraging sign of the brighter future both countries can look forward to in the decades to come.”

Celeb Calls for Military Coupe to Avert Trump Presidency

Comedian/actor Rosie O’Donnell urged President Obama to order military rule “to prevent the inevitable tyranny Donald Trump will impose on America.” O’Donnell’s panic takes her long-running public feud with Trump over the edge into total madness.

“A person who has shown no respect for me or the other members of the entertainment world has no business being the president of our country,” she argued. “Sane Americans revere us for all we do to entertain and educate them. That Donald Trump doesn’t is a slap-in-the-face to all the fans who pay to see us perform. He has insulted us all and, as Meryl pointed out at the Golden Globes, endangered an industry vital to our nation’s survival. It is the duty of President Obama to take the extralegal steps needed to save us all before it is too late.”

“Martial law is necessary because even if Trump were jailed or killed there would still be millions of his insane supporters running loose, many of them armed and dangerous,” O’Donnell explained. “They all need to be rounded up and separated from the general population. Maybe put into work camps where they will be re-educated and can finally be forced to contribute something positive to society.”

In related news, fellow celeb Madonna, whose insincere offer of “blow jobs for guys that vote for Hillary” may have negatively affected the electorate’s willingness to back her preferred candidate, told of her “narrow escape” from an election evening pledge to devote her life to God if Hillary won. “Sure, having Trump as president is a bummer, but, in hindsight, it will be a lot easier to swallow than if I would have had to keep that pledge,” she admitted. “I suppose I could have welshed on the deal without any of my fans being offended.”

Fake Scandal Fails to Take Down Trump

A bogus dossier alleging that Donald Trump paid Russian prostitutes to urinate on a hotel bed in Moscow has not had the impact that Trump’s enemies had hoped. The scheme hatched by CNN came unraveled when the Director of National Intelligence, James Clapper denied that the salacious document was prepared by any member of the U.S. Intelligence Community.

Despite the lack of any evidence to support the mystery dossier’s claims, CNN went public with “news of” the “existence” of such a report hoping to insinuate enough dirt to damage the incoming administration while preserving its “journalistic integrity” by not actually publishing the content of the document itself. That task was undertaken by NBC-owned BuzzFeed.

CNN’s anticipated ambush of the president-elect at his press conference earlier this week ran off the rails when Trump refused to accept any questions from Jim Acosta, the network’s reporter at the event. The hyper-belligerent Acosta’s sustained effort to shout down everyone else in the room only earned him and CNN the label of “fake news” from Trump.

“It was outrageous and completely inappropriate,” a very distraught Acosta said afterward. “’Fake news’ is a term we invented to discredit right wing media. Trump’s attempt to tag us with it is unprecedented. We are the ones who are qualified to establish what is fake and what is not. We are trained professionals. Neither Trump nor anyone else is qualified to make such a judgment. They are all just an amateurs.”

“What this country desperately needs is an official pre-publication vetting process,” Acosta pleaded. “Right now there is a proliferation of erroneous news throughout the Internet by an army of ignorant naifs. This needs to be stopped. We need a government agency like they have in China or France that is staffed by people who have the credentials validating their expertise to sift through content before it can be posted. That this wasn’t accomplished when they had the majority in Congress is one of the Democratic Party’s major failures during President Obama’s tenure in office. Now there’s no telling how anarchic things will get with the Republican holding both Houses of Congress and the presidency for the next two years.”

Obama’s Fabulous Farewell Fantasy

In the midst of his lengthy farewell address, outgoing President Barack Obama averred that “one of my proudest accomplishments has been that there have been no Islamic terror attacks on my watch.” A key to this accomplishment has been the clever reclassification of murders committed by self-professed jihadis as “other types of crimes.”

The murder of 13 unarmed soldiers at Fort Hood in Texas in November 2009 by a Muslim praising Allah during the shooting spree was characterized as “workplace violence” by the Obama Administration.

The detonation of a bomb killing three and maiming dozens at the Boston Marathon by two foreign-born Muslims in April 2013 was deemed to be a “stumper” by the Obama Administration. “The younger Muslim had ‘movie star’ looks,” Obama observed. “Given this great asset his involvement remains a mystery to this day. My bet is on a sibling rivalry gone horribly wrong.”

In Chattanooga, Tennessee a devout Muslim shot and killed five at a Navy recruitment center in July 2015. “This couldn’t be Islamic terrorism because Islam is a religion of Peace,” Obama contended. “So it can’t be this young man’s religious devoutness that accounts for the event. It must be something deeper inside his psyche.”

A “very religious” Muslim husband and wife team attacked a company Christmas party in 2015 and murdered 14 of the husband’s co-workers. “The fact that this took place at a place of employment pretty clearly demonstrates that ‘workplace violence’ is the real motive behind this tragedy,” Obama argued. This was despite the couple’s proclaimed allegiance to ISIS after their rampage.

In June 2016, an Islamic fanatic massacred 49 at a homosexual night club in Miami, Florida. “Clearly, this was anti-gay violence of the sort we might see from any home grown bigot,” Obama insisted. “To imply that Islam was in some way a factor is a slander.”

There also have been dozens of lesser known “honor” killings involving mostly Muslim-on-Muslim mayhem and numerous crimes carried out by Muslims murdering apostates, heretics, Jews, and Christians. In each and every case, the Obama Administration has sought to promulgate “personal,” “idiosyncratic,” and “indeterminate” motives for the commission of these crimes.

So there you have it. Where normal people would be inclined to jump to the conclusion that Muslims committing these acts for professed religious reasons, and in many cases, using traditional Islamic methods like beheading a victim, President Obama has reassured a concerned nation that there has been no Islamic threat during his presidency. It’s “all in our heads.”

In related news, Obama disavowed any personal responsibility for the decline of the Democratic Party during his tenure as president. In the eight years of his Administration, the Democratic Party lost a net of 13 U.S. Senate seats, 69 House seats, 12 governorships, and 900 state legislative seats. “Polls show I am extraordinarily popular with the American people,” the President boasted. “I am the ‘coolest’ president this nation has ever had. I’m far more popular than my successor. It is the rest of the members of the Democratic Party who have failed to keep pace.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.