Seattle Mayor Blames Trump for Continuing Violence

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Mayor Jenny Durkan (D) blamed President Trump for the bombing of the Police Department’s East Precinct, saying that “his demand for law and order is provoking these attacks. As every parent of a balky teenager knows the best way to get the behavior you don’t want is to forbid it. If you ignore it they will lose interest because the rush that comes from disobedience is gone.”

The mayor contrasted Trump’s lack of understanding with “the enlightened views of our City Council. We know our City. Our plan to abolish the police department is in line with how the people of Seattle want to live. But for this plan to work the threat of federal intervention must be ended. Once it is clear to protesters that there is no opposition to their authority they will realize that there is no longer any need for violence. They will be able to do whatever they want whenever they want without having to fear reprisals and the summer of love that we all hoped for can be achieved.”

Meanwhile, Seattle Police Sgt. James Lee reports that a van seized from the mob by city police outside the bombed precinct contained explosives, baseball bats, stun guns, bear and pepper spray, makeshift spike strips and gas masks. In all, 59 police officers were injured in the attack on the precinct, a nearby construction site, and a Starbucks coffee shop.

Durkan urged that “we not overlook the fact that this was a mostly peaceful protest. None of the police officers were killed. The precinct building wasn’t burned down. While the Starbucks was burned down, there are still many other coffee shops. The wrecked construction trailers can easily be replaced. Remember, 99% of the rest of the city was unscathed by these events. If we had been able to disband the police force ahead of this episode 100% of the city could have been left unscathed.”

Dejected Seattle Police Chief Carmen Best warned that “it appears that we truly are reaching the point of just sitting back and letting it burn. We can only hope that the innocent and the law-abiding can find a way to safely get out.” Alarmed by what this might do to city tax collections, the city council is said to be exploring measures to block any exodus of residents. Two of the most popular ideas are an embargo on all real estate property transfers and a simple confiscation without compensation of all private property.

In other “mostly peaceful” news, Andrew Duncomb was stabbed in the back while videoing a mob attempting to burn down the federal courthouse in Portland. Ellen Rosenblum, the Oregon Democrat Attorney General, blamed Trump and Duncomb for this crime. “First of all, if Trump’s federal goons weren’t there to oppose the mostly peaceful protesters there wouldn’t have been an opportunity for Duncomb to video anything. The courthouse could have been liberated or burned down as the protesters saw fit without anyone having to get hurt. Second, if Duncomb wasn’t there he wouldn’t have been within stabbing distance. And since he didn’t die, I’d have to classify the incident as mostly peaceful.”

China Tightens Screws on Hong Kong

The communist government of China took steps to increase its control over the residents of Hong Kong. First, it was announced that the United Kingdom passports held by an estimated three million residents will no longer be honored. Second, 12 pro-democracy candidates were removed from the ballot in the upcoming election.

Chinese ambassador to the UK, Liu Xiaoming explained that “under our laws all resources belong to the collective. This includes the people. No one has the right to subtract himself from the collective without the permission of the governing authorities. The United Kingdom’s offer of refuge to persons trying to escape from their obligations to the collective is an act of piracy. By invalidating UK passports held by Chinese subjects we are merely defending our own property from thieves.”

Liu also defended the disqualification of the pro-democracy candidates, saying “democracy is a delusion imported from the decadent capitalistic nations. Only those who support the central government can be permitted to run in our elections. To do otherwise would encourage disharmony within the collective. This can never be allowed. Only persons who conform to the state’s positions and policies can be trusted to participate in our elections.”

Dems Berate Witness

After calling on Attorney General William Barr to testify before the House Judiciary Committee, Democrats unloosed a barrage of insults and accusations and refused to allow the witness to answer questions. The farce followed a repetitive pattern as each Democrat on the Committee would pose a loaded question, Barr would start to answer but be interrupted after a few seconds by the questioner’s shouts of “reclaiming my time.”

Committee Chairman Jerry Nadler (D-NY) defended the protocol, insisting that “a lying snake like Barr must never be given the chance to use a public forum to say things we don’t want to hear. We invited him here to confess to his crimes against America, not to listen to any professions of innocence. In this regard, I thought Rep. Jayapal’s query as to whether he has stopped violating the Constitution should have elicited a simple yes or no response. As soon as Barr deviated from that expectation we needed to cut him off and proceed to the next question.”

Rep. Madeleine Dean (D-PA) asserted that “Barr’s attempts to talk while we were trying to reclaim our time were disrespectful, sexist, and racist. As a woman, I am tired of being interrupted. It’s my turn to interrupt. It’s sexist of Barr to not immediately shut up when he hears me say ‘reclaiming my time.’ I also noticed that none of the aides he brought with him were people-of-color. A public official’s staff should have the appropriate balance of persons by race and sexual identity. If it doesn’t that’s also racist and sexist.”

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Cailf) was not at the hearing, nevertheless, she still characterized Barr’s behavior as “despicable. His snide question ‘since when is it OK to burn down a federal court?’ revealed his contempt for every Democrat in the room. How can there be any doubt that this man belongs in prison?”

Since one of the contentions of the Democrats badgering Barr was that President Trump has been unfairly interfering with “mostly peaceful” protests, Rep. Jim Jordan (R-Ohio) showed a video of some of the violence taking place in several Democrat-run cities. This was juxtaposed against a stream of media talking heads using the phrase “mostly peaceful.” CNN’s Jake Tapper called on Jordan “to apologize for muddling our meme. It is not easy convincing viewers to not believe their own eyes. Many of us at CNN have been working long and hard to try to achieve this. Jordan’s exposé undermines a lot of this effort. He should be ashamed.”

Pelosi Alleges GOP Disdain for Working People

Frustrated by Republican opposition to the continuation of the coronavirus stimulation package provision that added a $600/week supplement to normal unemployment compensation, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) told CNN’s Anderson Cooper that “Republicans have disdain toward working people. They argue that when combined with the usual unemployment benefits the added $600 makes staying unemployed more remunerative than going back to work for many of our lower-wage employees. Well, duh. Who wouldn’t prefer leisure to work, especially if it comes with a bigger income.”

“Republicans act as if the 30 million currently unemployed is a bad thing,” the Speaker went on. “We call it a good first step toward the transformation of this country from capitalistic wage-slavery to socialistic redistribution of wealth. We’ve seen that with the generous unemployment benefits we’ve been providing over the last three months that tens of millions of former workers have been able to spend more time with their families doing fun stuff instead of having to work. We think this should be continued and expanded. Right now there are 125 million Americans still locked in wage-slavery. We should be fighting to free all of them.”

Sen. John Barrasso (R-Wy) says “the speaker is living on Fantasy Island. Her $3.4 trillion COVID relief bill includes bailouts to state pension plans, payoffs to her political cronies, direct checks to illegal immigrants, and tax relief for a blue state bailout for high earners in California and New York. It will bankrupt the country and wreck our economy. If we’re going to have goods and services someone has to work to produce and provide them. Her notion that everyone can live off government checks is fiscal idiocy.”

Pelosi dismissed Barrasso’s contentions that the path she wants the country to take is financially impossible. “What our Republican opponents are concealing from voters is the government’s power to create as much money as needed,” she said. “Forcing anyone to work when the government can simply print enough money for everyone to live a life of leisure is just cruel. We think voters will see this and sweep the GOP out of the White House and Congress in the November elections.”

New York Dolts Wrangle Over Crime

Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D) blamed New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio (D) for the crime wave inundating his city. Just this past week shootings were up by 176 percent over the same week in 2019. Cuomo called this “intolerable” and pointed to de Blasio’s release of 1500 inmates from the Rikers Island jail as “the primary cause. Of those released, 13 percent were almost immediately re-arrested. This included seven people for gun charges and one for murder.”

The Mayor stood by his decision to release the inmates, calling it “an act of mercy aiming at saving the lives of men who might otherwise have died from COVID.” He went on to suggest that “it was the new state law requiring the release of those accused of crimes if they can’t afford to pay bail. Many of these released suspects went on to immediately commit other crimes.”

The Governor denied any responsibility and pointed out that “there’s a very real difference here. The state’s new no bail law merely frees persons accused, but not yet convicted of crimes. Under our system a person is innocent until proven guilty. It is unfair to let a person who can afford bail to go free, but not a person who can’t afford it. What the Mayor has done is release persons already convicted of crimes. Clearly, these are worse people than those who are not yet proven guilty.”

Both men agreed, though, that President Trump’s offer to send law enforcement assistance is unacceptable. “Bill may be a fool, but he is a fellow New Yorker,” Cuomo said. “And we New Yorkers stick together no matter what.” De Blasio generally concurred with Cuomo, averring that “Andy has always been an ass, but he’s a Democrat and I will stand by him rather than let Trump meddle in my City.”

Biden Team Sets Interview Rules

Campaign manager Greg Schultz says Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden “will be giving more interviews and participating in debates, but only under certain conditions. These conditions include submitting all intended questions in advance. We will review these to determine which ones deserve a reply. For those that do we will prepare notes that Joe can use to identify which person to call on during the broadcast portion of the interviews and what answer he should give.”

Schultz said a similar procedure will apply to any debates between the candidates: “the questions will be supplied in advance. Inappropriate questions will be stricken. Joe will be given written answers by our staff and coached on how to deliver them. If during the course of the debate his opponent should ask him a question, Joe will have the option of calling a friend or polling the audience for help with his answer. If his answer is deemed correct by the moderator his opponent will be required to donate $1 million to Joe’s favorite charity, which happens to be the Hunter Biden financial empire. Finally, if Joe survives the event, the moderators will declare him the winner and the media will be expected to confirm this judgment.”

Despite the claimed openness to interviews, the Biden campaign declined an invitation from Fox News’ Chris Wallace. Wallace issued the invitation after President Trump told him that he “wondered whether Biden could handle the same kind of tough questions you’ve asked me.” Schultz said “we’ve laid down the rules. Unless Wallace agrees to follow them he won’t get an interview.”

Mayors Want Congress to Bar Deployment of Feds to Cities

The six Democratic mayors of Chicago; Seattle; Portland; Albuquerque; Washington, D.C.; and Kansas City have sent a letter asking Congress to enact legislation barring the deployment of federal forces to their cities without their prior approval. The plea follows the Trump Administration sending law enforcement officers to help combat the rising urban unrest and crime that has followed the demonstrations protesting the death of George Floyd while in police custody in Minneapolis last May.

The letter called the Administration’s actions “an egregious use of force that further erodes trust in government and undermines democracy” and pointed out that “if the law we are requesting had been in effect in 1860 there would have been no Civil War. Lest we repeat that tragic mistake in this era we urge that Congress expedite the passage of the protections we are requesting.”

Portland Mayor Ted Wheeler expressed his frustration with “federal interference in my city. We’ve had nine weeks of nightly battles over the federal courthouse in Portland. The handful of feds Trump has sent are just enough to assure a standoff. If the feds had stayed away the protesters would’ve burned the building down by now and the nightly battles would have been over long before now. The sacrifice of this one building would have mollified the Antifa forces and allowed for a more peaceful summer in our city.” Wheeler says he “will be filing a lawsuit to compel the federal government to compensate us for all the damage these battles have done.”

University Revises Grammar Standards

Convinced that the normal standards of grammar are racist, the Rutgers University English Department is revising its grading policy for student essays. Under the new rules any written paper containing any one of the 26 letters of the alphabet will earn a “D” grade. If any of these letters spell out a legitimate word the paper will earn a “C” grade. If any of these words result in a coherent sentence the paper will earn a “B” grade. If a paper contains more than one coherent sentence it will earn an “A” grade.

The new standards have already been denounced by the Rutgers Students for Democratic Socialism as “rigid and oppressive. The notion that anyone should grade the expressed ideas of another person is tyrannical. The only just evaluation is that of the social collective. If the social collective is satisfied with the work the student should get an ‘A.’ If the social collective is not satisfied the student should be expelled. Anything less is unacceptable.”

CDC Says Keeping Schools Closed Is Unhealthy

CDC Director Dr. Robert Redfield told a House Select Subcommittee hearing that “there are significant public health consequences if schools do not reopen this Fall.”

“The belief that young people are safer at home than at school is not scientifically correct,” Redfield said. “The risk of COVID infection for the K through 12 student is far lower than the risk of having to do without face-to-face instruction. While the schools have been closed we’ve seen an increase in drug use disorder as well as suicide in adolescent individuals. We’ve also seen a rise in domestic abuse. On top of this many students depend on school for significant nutritional support. They won’t get this support if they are not allowed to go to school. I want to make it clear that it is not a trade-off between health and the economy we’re facing on this issue. Both health and the economy are damaged by keeping the schools closed.”

Subcommittee Chairman James Clyburn (D-SC) said he appreciated Redfield’s perspective, but assured him that “your focus is too narrow. Everything you say about the health of the children may be true, but you overlook the big picture. In that big picture it is clear that opening the schools would aid the reelection efforts of President Trump. In my view, the reelection of Trump would be more harmful than the temporary damages done by keeping children out of the schools. Sometimes we must make sacrifices for the common good. In this instance we are asking our youth to make some sacrifices for the next four months so we can save the country from another four years of Trump’s misrule. I think voters will agree with me on this and support the Democrats who hold fast for keeping the schools closed until after November 3.”

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Congressional District 9

 

 

Republicans

Democrats

Dave Giles 

    • We must secure the border and fix immigration policy.
    • I am sickened to see a $20 trillion national debt run up by an out-of-control national bureaucracy. Congress must shoulder the blame along with past administrations for the financial despair that we, our children, and our grandchildren now face. A course change is demanded, and I pledge to fight the reckless spending habits of the past. I reject the notion that pacifying lobbyists and special interests groups is a legitimate function of Congress. These lobbyists and members of Congress are determined to spend more of your hard-earned money. But what have they done to balance the budget? Balancing the budget and eliminating the national debt will be my top priority as a Member of Congress. I pledge to be a thorn in the side of wasteful spenders in Congress and vote against any attempt to borrow more money to accommodate bad spending practices.
    • This Congress and president must overhaul the ACA (Repeal & Replace) or see families and businesses suffer needlessly with higher premiums and rationed care. This is not how President Obama, Harry Reid, and Nancy Pelosi presented this program. Their negligence in adopting this poorly crafted plan is crippling our nation’s health care system. Premiums are skyrocketing and companies are abandoning the ACA. President Trump repealed the Obamacare mandate, thus reducing a portion of your tax. As your representative in Congress, I will work to return healthcare to the private sector companies such that it is competitive within a free market construct and is portable for an individual to keep their plan from job to job, location to location, across state lines, without penalty, leaving no one behind.
    • Favors U.S. energy independence.
    • Supports the Second Amendment.
    • Pro-life.
    • Supports the fair tax and repealing the death tax.
    • Favors parental rights over the education of children.

 

Sam Huang

  • His top priorities include:
  • Affordable healthcare
  • Relevant education
  • Infrastructure improvement
  • Immigration policy reform
  • Welfare policy reform

 

Nicholas Tutora

  • Our liberty is under attack from an unelected bureaucracy
  • Strong opponent of socialism
  • The current Democrat-controlled House of Representatives is not getting much done
  • Opposes the Democrats’ impeachment sham
  • Does not want the federal government involved in personal healthcare and we do not need a federal mandate
  • Disagrees with those who are dividing America by race
  • We the people are one American family
  • American children’s education should come first, ahead of educating illegal aliens

 

Greg Stanton

    • Pro-abortion
    • Opposes Second Amendment and favors gun control
    • Favors expansion of Obamacare
    • Favors citizenship for illegal aliens
    • Believes in unfounded global warming

 

Shut Down Order Assailed

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Pennsylvania Gov. Tom Wolf’s order directing all but “life-sustaining” businesses to shut down has spurred objections from several sectors. The law firm of Costopoulos, Foster & Fields asked the Pennsylvania Supreme Court for an emergency injunction to allow the firm to reopen.

“The governor’s order is so broad and sweeping, it is manifestly unconstitutional and illegal,” wrote William Costopoulos. “No work is more essential than defending our clients accused of crimes. The postponement of trials that has been offered as a justification for temporarily shutting down our office is not a sufficient remedy. Under our laws, the accused has the right to a speedy trial. If that isn’t available, the charges must be dropped.”

David Taylor, president and CEO of the Pennsylvania Manufacturers’ Association, pointed out that “Wolf’s order is blocking supply chains from providing essential products. The order has halted timber operations that are necessary to resupply the paper products that have disappeared from store shelves. It has also stopped the coal production needed for manufacturing the steel required for making other essential products.”

Wolf rebuffed the objections, asserting that “now that the federal government is going to mail everyone a check, there isn’t a need to manufacture anything. All anyone has to do is order what they need by phone or over the Internet and it can be delivered to their home while they shelter-in-place. As for the lawyers, they can consult with their clients by phone from home and write their briefs on their laptop computers. Their clients will be well-cared for in jail, unless they are in the Philadelphia jurisdiction, where those indicted for crimes will be released for the duration of the crisis.”

In related news, California Sen. Kamala Harris, rumored “short list” contender for the vice-presidential running mate slot on a Democratic ticket with presidential candidate former Vice-President Joe Biden, urged that “all low-risk prison inmates should be released. Being cooped up in close quarters during the epidemic could be a death sentence. That would be a cruel and unusual punishment for individuals whose only crime is a ‘property crime.’ The next Democratic Administration will usher in a new attitude toward property where the government will take it from those who don’t need it and give it to those who do. Why should individuals who have already taken the initiative to do this on their own continue to be punished in our prisons?”

Trump Blamed for Coronavirus

With New York City accounting for a disproportionately large share of the coronavirus cases in the US, Mayor Bill de Blasio is blaming President Trump because “we need radical action right away.”

The Mayor declined to take any radical action himself, saying “that’s not my job. There needs to be a single point from which all dictates must be issued. That point is the President. Those of us at the local level must remain free, as we have been thus far, to criticize any mistakes or flaws that might taint the President’s actions.”

One of the “flaws” that the President’s political opponents have freely criticized so far was “the racist travel ban” Trump imposed on travel to the US from China in early February. Former Vice-President Joe Biden denounced the ban calling it “xenophobic, unnecessary, and a threat to the sensitive business arrangements between the Chinese government and my son.” However, medical experts are now crediting Trump’s travel ban for reducing the spread of the disease in the US.

In related news, CNN’s Stephen Collinson charges that “Trump’s repeated efforts to offer Americans a glimmer of hope in these dark times impedes the portrait of disaster and doom we have been cultivating. Look, our efforts to oust Trump over Russian collusion was years in the making and fell through. We got the House to impeach him over the Ukraine phone call, but were stymied by the Senate’s refusal to convict. This virus may be our last chance before voters reelect him in November. Surely the chaos that has ensued since he took office ought to show the American people that their best hope for peace and quiet won’t be attained as long as Trump remains president.”

Senators Say Insider-Trading Law Doesn’t Apply

Revelations that several senators privy to inside information on the coronavirus managed to sell some of their stocks before the market crash has inspired accusations that they broke the law. The specific law in question is the Stop Trading on Congressional Knowledge (STOCK) Act. This law was passed by Congress and signed by President Obama in 2012. Violations could result in prison terms of up to 20 years and fines up to $5,000,000.

Sen. Diane Feinstein (D-Calif), who serves as ranking member of the Senate Judiciary Committee, was one of the senators accused of violating this law. The others were Richard Burr (R-NC), Kelly Loeffler (R-GA), James Inhofe (R-OK) and Ron Johnson (R-Wisc).

Feinstein admitted that “I can’t speak to the guilt or innocence of the others, but I can state that the law does not apply to me. First, it is my husband who makes all the investment decisions in our household, even when it comes to trading my stocks. So, no one can prove beyond a reasonable doubt that I broke the law. Second, President Obama would never have signed the bill into law if he thought it would ever be used against a public figure of my stature and long tenure.”

Loeffler, whose husband is the chairman and CEO of the New York Stock Exchange, honed in on the statute’s “for profit” clause and explained that “my husband makes all of our family’s investment decisions and as he told me, the sale was not ‘for profit,’ but to avoid a loss.” Burr, Inhofe, and Johnson each asserted “same here” after learning of “exculpatory explanations” offered by Feinstein and Loeffler.

Teens Prank Grocery Store

Pushed to the breaking point by the closure of restaurants, movies, beaches and other favorite sources of amusement, some teens are coughing on grocery store produce. One incident occurred in the Washington DC exurb of Purcellville, Virginia. Police investigating the case said that “there is a national trend by teenagers to cough on food, video it and post the video on the web.”

Malcolm Tendt, admitted “camera man” in the Virginia prank, defended his peers, asking “what are we supposed to do for fun? None of the guys doing the coughing are really sick. The geezers who see us in the stores aren’t supposed to be there and they’re not tech-savvy enough to find our posts on the Internet. So, who are we hurting?”

Meanwhile in San Francisco, government officials have turned a blind eye to the rampant looting sweeping the locked-down city. Mayor London Breed suggested that “there’s probably less of a chance of catching the virus breaking into a closed business than standing in line to buy food and toilet paper from a business that’s open. I don’t think police resources should be used to harass people who are only trying to stay healthy while meeting their daily needs.”

Schiff Claims Immunity

House Intelligence Committee chairman Adam Schiff (D-Calif) has claimed “sovereign immunity” in his attempt to thwart public scrutiny of the Trump impeachment hearing transcripts and supporting documents that he has declared “must forever remain secret.”

“The essence of effective government relies heavily upon our ability to conceal our methods from those without a ‘need to know,’” Schiff argued. “Right now, China is overtaking us as the world’s dominant power largely because of their ability to operate without fear of external scrutiny. If we hope to keep pace we must adapt similar methods. Outsiders like the execrable Judicial Watch, who seek to defame and undermine the government, should not be empowered to interfere.”

In related news, the Democratic National Committee asked the U.S. District Court for Northern Illinois to dismiss Carter Page’s lawsuit for defamation of character. “Mr. Page is such a minor figure is the flow of history that his reputation is of no significance,” the Perkins-Coie motion asserted. “Weightier matters were at stake, namely whether the nation could be saved from the election of an unqualified outsider as the nation’s president. Future heroic efforts like those of the Clinton campaign, David Steele, and Perkins Coie in 2016 must not be discouraged out of fear of having to pay monetary damages for actions taken in pursuit of their sincerely held political beliefs.”

German Army to Fight Coronavirus

Anxious to recapture “the patriotic solidarity of the German people during World War II,” Chancellor Angela Merkel is calling on the Army “to smash the virus like we smashed Poland in 1939.”

The Chancellor was unable to lay out any specific actions the Army would take other than to suggest “it would definitely be a rapid, blitzkrieg type of approach. If we can inspire the same kind of fanaticism among the troops that enabled us to conquer Poland in less than six weeks, I’m confident that we can conquer the coronavirus in short order. And this time we will not repeat the errors that Chancellor Hitler made by attacking Russia and declaring war on the United States.”

Meanwhile in the United States, actor Sean Penn advised “the US Army to overthrow the inept Trump regime and install a military government that will take the stern measures needed to combat the coronavirus. We need total obedience from everyone, internment camps for dangerous deviants, and summary executions for those who resist authority. That’s what my friend Hugo Chavez did to set Venezuela on the right track before he died.”

Reporter Sees Upside of Pandemic

CBS correspondent Vladimir Duthiers urged viewers to “try to see the positive aspects of the coronavirus pandemic. Only a few thousand have died. I’m not trying to sugarcoat that. At the same time, though, shutting down businesses and quarantining people in their homes has had beneficial impacts on the environment. Here in Italy, traffic is light. The air is clean. I think this shows what the whole world could be like if the trucking and bartering of the marketplace were to be replaced with a command economy.”

Duthiers observed that “fear of the virus has made the population docile and obedient in a way that could not be as easily achieved under normal circumstances. Individuals who would have otherwise resisted the type regimentation that has been accomplished over the last couple of weeks are actually cheering the government on and calling for nonconformists to be punished. It’s a miraculous breakthrough that provides a clear road map on to how to implement the progressive transformation of human society.”

Coronavirus Prompts Revised Transit Policies

In a bid to protect citizens from undue exposure to the coronavirus, the Madison, Wisconsin Metro Transit system has issued new guidelines for bus operations. Starting this week, Metro Transit will limit the number of persons allowed on a bus to one at a time.

Mayor Satya Rhodes-Conway pointed out that “since each bus requires a driver, no passengers will be allowed on board as long as the driver is behind the wheel. We recognize that ordinarily this would present a hardship for those who depend on public transit to get around the City. To mitigate the hardship on riders, I have ordered all residents to shelter-in-place where they live.”

“To boost community morale, the buses will continue to travel their usual routes,” the Mayor added. “That way when people look out their windows they’ll still see the buses running and be comforted. The drivers will still have jobs and the paychecks that go with those jobs. This will partially offset the economic losses of the businesses I have ordered to close and the employees who will be out of work.”

“Anti-civic naysayers will say that these new policies are senseless, but I challenge them to offer any better ideas they may have for coping with the unprecedented conditions I am faced with,” she concluded.

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Why I Can’t Support Joe Biden

Joe Biden opposes:

  • The sanctity of life, supporting abortion
  • criminal penalties for harming a pre-born child by persons committing a crime against the mother
  • notifying the parents of minors who obtain out of state abortions
  • the nomination of Robert Bork, Samuel Alito and John Roberts for the U.S. Supreme Court justice
  • Effective border security
  • School vouchers for children trapped in failing public schools
  • Voluntary prayer in schools
  • Photo ID for voting
  • Second Amendment and citizens’ right of self protection

Biden supports:

  • federal funding for embryonic stem cell research, which treats humans as disposable and which has never resulted in the treatment of a single disease, yet he wants federal funding expanded
  • human cloning
  • hate crime laws
  • the Equal Rights Amendment
  • free college tuition for all
  • gun control
  • sanctuary cities
  • social security for illegal aliens

Biden flip-flopped on:

  • Death penalty
  • Crime, was tough on it in 1990s, now considers it racist
  • No Child Left Behind

Miscellaneous

  • Exposed as plagiarist in college
  • Strongly supported by radical NEA
  • has an anti-family values voting record
  • agrees that Tea Parties are not “terrorists”

For more, read:

The Beltway Bidens: Creepy, crooked, and NOT just like us

Eight Things to Know About the Biden Family’s Culture of Corruption

Biden’s Corruption Problem

Joe Biden’s Corruption with China

Special Counsel to Implement a Nude Selfie’ Strategy

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Robert Mueller, the Special Counsel appointed to investigate possible collusion between the Trump presidential campaign and Russia, has opened a new front after discovering a “nude selfie” among the millions of pages of documents it has seized from Concord Management.

Mueller called the discovery “a real eye opener. The depravity I’ve unveiled since I began my quest to rid the nation of the evil Trump Administration has lurched from covertly recorded conversations between members of the Trump campaign and the provocateurs the FBI inserted within their ranks to simulate illicit connections with Russians, to coerced admissions of lying to FBI investigators, and now to a revelation of at least one lewd image transmitted over the Internet.”

The possibility that we could photo-shop nude images of Trump, his family members, Congressional supporters, and others committing embarrassing and sordid acts had not previously occurred to us,” Mueller admitted. “Based on descriptions provided by Stormy Daniels we’re confident that we can create humiliating portraits of all the Trump men. With the cooperation of the media these portraits will saturate the air waves. And since most people accept that seeing is believing, the only way for Trump and his minions to dodge this bullet would be to opt for a timely retirement from public life.”

Dems Forge Ahead to Transform America

In a year-end reflection, Oakland Mayor Libby Schaaf “took pride in the aid I was able to give to immigrants being pursued by ICE. Oakland is a sanctuary city. As such I feel it is my obligation to protect all our inhabitants from persecution by federal authorities. Sure, some of the undocumented immigrants living here have criminal records, but so do some of the native-born citizens. Accepting the fact that a portion of any population must live outside the law is what is required if we truly respect the values of diversity.”

I have no regrets,” Schaaf asserted. “The victims of crimes committed by those who escaped ICE apprehension due to my warning might just as easily been victimized by citizen-criminals. So, there’s no direct link between my act of mercy toward immigrants and any specific crime. In fact, the success of Democrats in the November election shows that voters in California approve of open borders, sanctuary cities, and the eventual restoration of Mexican sovereignty over land stolen by US military aggression during the 1800s.”

Meanwhile, Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D-NY) declared his state’s independence from the federal government. “After a long train of abuses, we are exercising our rights under the Constitution to sever the bonds between our state and the federal government, except for the federal aid that is owed us,” Cuomo announced. He further warned the State’s two senators that “I shall ask the legislature to recall them if they fail to protect New York’s allotment of federal funds.”

In Texas, recently defeated senatorial candidate Beto O’Rourke rushed to the El Paso Greyhound bus station with a stack of voter registration forms after ICE released 200 illegal immigrants there while they wait for a refugee status hearing scheduled for 2020. “In all likelihood, these people are going to be here in the United States for the foreseeable future,” O’Rourke said. “As human beings they have a natural right to participate in electing those who will govern them. As the first person to come to their assistance in exercising this right I hope I can count on their support when I run for president next year.”

Boston Marathon Bomber Death Sentence Challenged

Attorneys for Boston Marathon bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev filed a 500 page brief in the 1st U.S. District Court of Appeals arguing that the death sentence handed down after his conviction should be tossed aside. Their key argument is that “the trial judge refused to grant a change of venue.”

The trial was held in Boston, a city of widespread antipathy to the Muslim religious obligation to wage war against unbelievers,” the attorneys wrote. “The jury pool was comprised of unbelievers in spite of the fact that Islamic law requires that Muslims be judged only by members of the faith. A parade of infidel witnesses were permitted to give testimony that portrayed Tsarnaev as a criminal rather than the righteous warrior that he, in fact, is for the faith of Islam.”

The attorneys’ brief contends that “if the trial venue had been moved to Chechnya where a jury of Muslim men could have more impartially weighed the evidence a sentence of death would never have been imposed. At most, our client would have been asked to pay reparations to the families of the deceased. For these reasons we demand that the death sentence be commuted so Dzhokhar will be able to pay reparations out of the $2 per day wages he could earn in the prison laundry.”

CNN Irked by Trump Iraq Visit

After first complaining that “Trump’s unannounced trip to Iraq didn’t give ISIS a fair chance to interdict his unwanted presence in Muslim territory,” CNN’s Jim Acosta pivoted to a complaint that “his improper friendliness with US troops was unpresidential.”

Acosta differentiated President Trump’s signing of autographs from President Obama’s signing of autographs by pointing out “President Obama was a Nobel Prize winner who was honestly elected by a majority of voters. Trump is just a real estate developer who colluded with the Russians and still only won via an electoral college technicality, even though Sec. Clinton had more total votes.”

In related news, it turns out that lionized “journalist” Jamal Khashoggi, who was killed in the Saudi Consulate in Turkey, was a covert operative working on behalf of Qatar to publish anti-Saudi propaganda using his position as an op ed writer for the Washington PostPost editor Fred Hiatt denied any knowledge of Khashoggi’s role as a propagandist saying “how could we know? He fit right in with everything we were saying about Trump and Saudi Arabia. As far as we could tell his views were our views.”

Senator Says Increased Welfare Spending Will Reduce Homicides

Sen Dick Durbin (D-Ill) urged President Trump “to take a lesson from President Obama and boost federal welfare spending in Chicago if he’s serious about curbing the city’s soaring homicide rate.”

The gang-bangers who are shooting each other, witnesses, and innocent bystanders are justifiably angry that the public housing provided is not as luxurious as what they can afford from pushing illegal drugs,” Durbin said. “They are also miffed that the federally-funded job training they are offered only leads to entry level jobs and, at best, middle income salaries. In contrast, the profits from criminal activities enable them to afford the fancy clothes, jewelry, and cars that corporate executive salaries can buy.”

We need to raise the value of the perks that welfare can offer to a level high enough to dissuade young people from choosing crime as a way of life,” the Senator argued. “President Obama understood this. I don’t think Trump gets it.”

Democrats Now Party of the Rich

In the November elections, Democrats won in the 20 richest congressional districts. An ebullient Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif), currently vacationing during the “cruel” government shutdown at the Fairmont Orchid resort in Hawaii (where room rates range from $900 per night for a regular room to $5,000 for a suite) bragged that “the ultimate demise of the Republican Party is imminent. Democrats own the Black vote, the Hispanic vote, the immigrant vote, the welfare vote. We have more campaign money from wealthy donors than Republicans can ever hope to see.”

The coalition of small business owners, farmers, middle-income wage-earners, craftsmen, and religious zealots that Trump relied on to steal the 2016 election represents a dwindling faction of the American population,” Pelosi pointed out. “They will be unable to stop the juggernaut of progressives that we have assembled. The wisest course for the rump of Republicans who hope to keep their political careers and perks is to cooperate with us in the transition to the socialist future that President Obama promised would be our fate.”

A taste of the collective mindset the Democrats say will be our future was seen in the identical Christmas tweets sent out by Rep. Pelosi and Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY) slamming President Trump, gloating over the trillions of dollars in losses a plunging stock market has inflicted on the future pensions, IRAs and 401k retirement funds, and the possible economic recession and unemployment this may herald for the coming year.

Senators Wonder If Catholics Are Qualified to Be Judges

Senators Mazie Hirono (D-Hawaii) and Kamala Harris (D-Calif) are concerned that judicial nominee Brian Buescher’s membership in the Knights of Columbus—a Catholic charity—might disqualify him from being confirmed as a federal judge.

In general, Catholics are kind of out of step with the values I think we want our country to have,” Hirono said. “Their belief that marriage is a bond between a man and a woman and their opposition to abortion are at odds with the law. Joining the Knights of Columbus demonstrates a degree of religious fanaticism beyond that of the typical Sunday churchgoer. Should we put such religious fanatics in a position to preside over trials?”

I view support for abortion as a litmus test I will use in vetting candidates for judgeships if I’m elected president,” Harris opined. “It seems to me that consistency requires that I apply the same criteria as a senator asked to confirm nominees advanced by any president.”

Both Senators agreed that it would be wrong to consider a Muslim’s religion as a factor in assessing his qualifications for being appointed to a federal court. “As far as we know,” Harris said, “Muslims are only opposed to abortions for members of their own faith. Unbelievers terminating their own pregnancies alleviates the need to convert, oppress or kill these individuals once sharia law is established.”

 

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

How Media Toasts Hurt the GOP Establishment

By Brent Bozell and Tim Graham, Newsbusters
November 4, 2017

A Morning Consult poll released on Halloween offers a scary result for establishment Republicans. They tested the approval/disapproval ratings of current members of the U.S. Senate. Guess who was in the cellar? Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell ranked dead last on a recent poll of senators’ popularity.flake-mccain

Guess who came in second to last? Jeff Flake, the Arizona senator who’s retiring because he couldn’t possibly win a Republican primary. Then guess who came in third with highest disapproval? Sen. John McCain.

Now take a look at who has the highest approval. Bernie Sanders came in first at 71 percent. Right behind him was his fellow leftist from Vermont, Patrick Leahy, at 67 percent.

What lesson can we take from this particular survey? It starts with the media elites. When the media love a leftist, that only helps them with their base. The friend of my friend is my friend. It also endears them to independents, since the media portray leftists as feisty populists for the common man, and not as the over-regulating, super-taxing socialists they are.

On the other hand, when the media love a Republican, that causes great problems with the Republican’s conservative base. The friend of my enemy is my enemy.  It’s one obvious reason why McCain, despite (or more accurately because of) media valentines, couldn’t defeat George W. Bush in the 2000 primaries.

Trump voters cannot stand McCain’s personal crusade against Trump. The media desperately want Republicans to attack Trump as viciously as they do, but getting on the wrong side of Trump is a perilous place to be.

Senator Flake’s speech on the Senate floor announcing the inevitable – that running for re-election was fruitless – made him the toast of MSNBC. Joe Scarborough gushed “This was our ‘Mr. Smith Goes to Washington,’ where you had a senator saying on the floor that the President of the United States in his party was a threat to constitutional norms, societal norms, and our children.” Predictably, Chris Matthews also dragged out the Jimmy Stewart movie reference, comparing Flake’s speech to “a moment straight from a great novel or movie.”

When a Republican is the toast of MSNBC, he’s toast with conservatives.

Let’s stipulate that Mitch McConnell isn’t a media darling like the two Arizonans. It’s easy to recall how the journalists now wanting Trump impeached/indicted had a conniption when McConnell said out loud in 2010 that his first goal was to deny Obama re-election. They reacted like he’d slapped the Pope in the face while kicking Santa Claus in the groin. But to both right and left, McConnell represents Entrenched Washington, and right now, he embodies the disgust conservatives feel for having many of their policy aims sidelined and/or squashed.

Not every senator fits the formula. The fourth least popular senator is Robert Menendez, Democrat of New Jersey, now on trial for felony corruption charges. Of note: his rotten approval rating cannot be connected to national media coverage, since he is a Democrat. Forget accusations against Trump, or indictments against Manafort. We are talking here about a trial, where the defense has now rested. Network evening news coverage on ABC, CBS, NBC? Zero.

Corruption, in the eyes of our partisan media, is solely a Trump problem, just like colluding with Russia to manipulate the election, or hating facts you find inconvenient. When Republicans agreeably proclaim that only Trump is ruining Washington on all of these things, they are trapped in the liberal media mind-meld.

 

Obama to Receive ‘Profiles in Courage’ Award

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnThe Kennedy Presidential Library’s annual “Profiles in Courage” Award for 2017 will go to former President Barack Obama. The Award, named after the 1957 Pulitzer Prize winning book ghost written for then Massachusetts Democratic Sen. John F. Kennedy, is given to individuals displaying extraordinary political courage by taking an unpopular course of action. The award ceremony will take place in May, when former First Daughter Caroline Kennedy and grandson of the late JFK, Jack Schlossberg, bestow the prize.

Faced with unrelenting adulation and widespread demands that he declare himself ‘president for life,’ President Obama courageously agreed to follow the law and step down after two terms,” Schlossberg said. “This gracious emulation of our nation’s first chief executive put him at odds with the majority of Americans who clearly would have supported his continuation in office as a down payment on the reparations for slavery that he has championed during his political career. That he would exit the presidency in a move that his core constituency would characterize as ‘acting white’ demonstrated an ‘off-the-charts’ level of personal fortitude.”

Obama is the third former president to win the award. In 2001, former President Gerald Ford was honored for the unconditional pardon he granted to Richard Nixon in 1974 for “all offenses that has committed or may have committed or taken part in” while president. In 2014, former President George H.W. Bush was honored for joining with Democrats to break his 1988 campaign pledge of “no new taxes.”

The speed with which the “Profiles in Courage” award was made to Obama mirrored that of his winning the Nobel Peace Prize in 2009. Ironically, the United States was constantly at war for his eight years as president when bragged that he was “really good at killing people” with drone strikes. Schlossberg expressed confidence that there wouldn’t be any similar embarrassment over the “Profiles” award since “the refusal to seize power can’t be undone now that he has surrendered the reins to his successor.”

French Candidate Targeted by EU Parliament

The European Parliament cleared the way for the French government to prosecute populist candidate for the presidency, Marine LePen, for her 2015 tweet of “terroristic images.” The images showed ISIS atrocities. If convicted, LePen could be imprisoned for up to three years and fined 75,000 Euros.

LePen, who has been highly critical of the virtually unrestricted immigration of Muslims into France, assailed the EU’s actions, calling them “yet more proof of everything we’ve been saying. The government’s misguided attempts to be compassionate have endangered the lives of our citizens and pose a threat to our nation’s survival. Right now, swaths of our cities have been turned into backward Hellholes where French men and women dare not set foot lest they be assaulted, raped, or killed by Muslim thugs.”

The refugees from Africa and the Middle East make no effort to learn our culture and minimal effort to obey our laws,” LePen said. “They replicate the squalid and violent conditions of the homelands they are fleeing. They boast of the day when they will outnumber us and Islamify the entire country. If it is to be illegal for us to point out the danger we are laying the groundwork for our subjugation and massacre by these aliens and their murderous ideology.”

EU Member of Parliament Laura Ferrara contended that “Ms. LePen is only making matters worse by her repeated defamation of this religious minority. The handwriting has been on the wall for some time now. Europeans do not reproduce at a high enough rate to fend off the inundation of our land and culture by the more fecund Muslim immigrants. Inciting them will not save us. Submitting to the will of Allah will. If all the world is for Islam the terror will cease. We will all be part of the umma and be entitled to the common respect all Muslims pay to each other.”

The kind of respect Ms. Ferrara can expect as a Muslim female seems dubious. Further, despite the rhetoric, Muslims do a lot of fighting among themselves. Many of the victims of ISIS brutality are Muslims deemed insufficiently compliant with the group’s rigid expectations for obedience. Making the whole world Muslim is more likely to permanently institutionalize terror than abolish it.

In related news, Syrian refugees living in Modum, a small municipality in the south of Norway, complain that the modest apartments provided to them free-of-charge are inadequate. “We are Muslims,” Abdulhadi Alkhalaf pointed out. “We are entitled by our faith to accommodations superior to those enjoyed by the unbelievers. We demand suitably-sized houses be provided.”

Governor Vetoes Investigation of Vote Fraud

Gov. Terry McAuliffe (D-Va) vetoed a bill that would have prompted investigations in counties where the number of persons registered to vote exceeded the total number of citizens eligible to vote. The Governor defended his veto, saying that “the right to vote is a fundamental human right. Republican attempts to limit this right based on country of origin is inherently racist and unfair.”

The bill’s sponsor, Sen. Mark Obenshain (R-Harrisonburg), called the Governor’s action “outrageous. Voting is a civil right exercised by the citizens of this state. Immigrants need to go through the procedures laid out in the law to become citizens before they register and cast ballots. Waiving this requirement as the Governor would have us do dilutes the civil rights of every lawful voter.”

McAuliffe derided Obenshain’s position. “The onerous process of naturalization is one that few native-born citizens could accomplish,” McAuliffe maintained. “I don’t see the ‘diluting’ the votes of ignorant natives as a negative. Immigrants, especially those in the country without proper documentation, have as great an interest in the government programs providing them with benefits as anyone. Their voices deserve to be heard. Voting is the way to ensure that they are heard.”

Trump Speech Rankles Democrats

President Donald Trump’s speech to Congress this week rankled key Democrats. While some, including CNN’s Van Jones saw it as “presidential” in tone, others, including Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) insisted it was “detached from reality. The real Trump is a snarling, mean-spirited hater. This speech was an attempt to conceal that reality behind a tired call for the country to unite behind a common goal to make America great.”

He says he wants to work with Democrats, but he hasn’t reached out to us,” Schumer complained. “Everything is about his promises to the American people. Well, more than half the American voters favored his opponent. Until he recognizes and accommodates this reality we will have to try to block him every step of the way.”

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) took a similar stance. “The notion that Trump can make America great by reversing the policies of President Obama is ludicrous,” she asserted. “Promising to put people back to work may serve the interests of the rednecks who voted for Trump, but it has got to be scary for the tens of millions relieved of this onus by the increased government benefits the Democratic Administration gave them. When the government gives you a place to live and food to eat do you still really want to be put to work at some soul-numbing job?”

Pelosi praised “the courage of my fellow Democrats who vocally expressed their displeasure with Trump’s new Victims of Immigration Crime Engagement proposal. Now is not the time for initiating a new entitlement for what has got to be a tiny minority, especially when the immigrants who will have to bear the brunt of his deportation scheme are far more numerous. Even worse, his proposed ‘merit-based’ approach to immigration would block the most needy while selfishly allowing a preferential treatment to the smaller self-sustaining and productive fraction of those wanting to come to our country.”

In related news, Trump’s preference for having his steak well-done and eating it with ketchup repulsed gourmets around the globe. “Putting ketchup on a steak is something a child would do,” Sen. Lindsay Graham (R-SC) observed. “Can we really abide having a person of such inappropriate tastes as the leader of the free world? When we add his reluctance to go to war with Russia, I think we must seriously reconsider his fitness to lead.”

Dems May Look to “Transracials” to Boost Non-White Staff

Struggling to make the racial composition of staffers more closely resemble the general population, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) is urging more of the 93% who are Caucasian “to look deep into themselves to see if they may be Black, Latino, or Muslim.”

We have made great strides incorporating transsexuals into the workforce to help boost the female cohort of our staff,” Schumer remarked. “This got me to thinking that there must be a contingent of transracials out there who could help us meet our non-white quota. Maybe Rachel Dolezal was out ahead of the curve on this. I mean, the people that mocked her for declaring herself to be Black may have missed the boat. Who’s to say she is wrong? If a person with a penis can declare himself a woman, then why can’t a person with pale skin declare himself Black? There’s probably more physical evidence for a white person being biologically part Black than there is for a man being part woman.”

Meanwhile, the woman formerly known as Rachel Dolezal has finalized her transition to Black by adopting the name Nkechi Amare Diallo—a West African name that means “gift of god.” Perhaps if more of the Congressional staffers were to simply adopt African names the concerns of Sen. Schumer would be assuaged.

A Satirical Look at Recent News 

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

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