Trump Win Sparks Left-Wing Protests

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnDonald Trump’s surprising upset win over his heavily favored Democratic rival Hillary Clinton has sparked disturbing responses from some of her supporters. In Oakland, California anti-Trump protesters battled with police and set a squad car on fire. In Los Angeles, a protester ominously predicted “there will be casualties…because people have to die to make a change in this world.” In Portland, Oregon, rioters vandalized businesses. On Twitter the “hashtag” #assassinateTrump is trending.

Kellyanne Conway, Trump’s campaign manager, called on President Obama and Hillary Clinton to ask their supporters to refrain from violence. “We didn’t see this kind of violent response from Republicans when President Obama was elected in 2008 and 2012,” Conway pointed out. “The very least the leaders of the Democratic Party should do is urge their followers to confine themselves to peaceful and legal means of expressing their opinions.”

Thus far, Obama and Clinton have remained mum, but Press Secretary Josh Earnest reassured the media that “President Obama’s position that Trump is uniquely unqualified hasn’t changed. That there should be widespread outrage that a person with such poor suitability might be the next president shouldn’t be surprising. Carrying this outrage into the streets is a natural expression of views protected by the First Amendment.”

Meanwhile, presumed front-runner for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren defended the protests as “a justifiable response to a Trump campaign fueled by racism and bigotry. People are upset and they’re right to be upset. The damage done breaking a few windows and roughing up a few suspected Trump voters is far less than the damage that will be done by a Trump Administration.”

Retiring Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) asserted that “the election of Donald Trump has emboldened the forces of hate and bigotry in America.” Lest anyone think he might be condemning the anti-Trump rioters, Reid maintains that “innocent African Americans, Hispanic Americans, Muslim Americans, LGBT Americans and Asian Americans are now living in fear of their own government and their fellow Americans.” A fear that he argues is “entirely rational.” Reid concluded by laying the responsibility for restoring order on Trump who, he says “could immediately defuse the situation by conceding the election to Hillary Clinton. She won the popular vote. More people want her to be president than want Trump to be president.”

In related news, the demand for psychiatric services in New York City soared after Trump’s victory. Local Dr. Fran Tichman was giddy over the boom in business. “New Yorkers already have above average incidences of emotional issues. Many are living on the edge of mental breakdown. The recent election has pushed these people over the brink.”

The contrast with the right-wing surge to buy guns during the Obama Administration is profound. At that time, we saw conservatives taking action to defend themselves from external threats. Now, we see people seeking mental counseling help for internal threats. While NYC shrinks are filling their calendars with appointments, sales of firearms are expected to decline with Trump in office.

Democrats Seeking Scapegoat for Loss

Reeling from the shock of an unanticipated election defeat, Clinton Campaign chairman John Podesta, whose emails detailing rampant cheating and corruption by the Democratic National Committee and its chosen candidate were exposed by Wikileaks, blamed media bias in favor of Trump as “the main reason we lost. Their refusal to give adequate coverage to Trump’s obvious unfitness combined with their unfair and relentless scrutiny of every little misstep made by Secretary Clinton poisoned her reputation was a stab in the back by people we thought we could trust.”

As an example of media bias, Podesta cited “the superficial attention given to Trump’s taxes and his connections to Russia. Despite our repeated efforts to help them focus on the message we wanted to convey on these issues they got side-tracked by the Wikileaks invasion of my private communications. My emails were obtained illegally and would not have been admissible in a court of law. In a just world the content of these emails would have been suppressed.”

Podesta also named the Obama Administration “an accessory in this miscarriage of justice. At the very least, the Department of Justice should have issued a ‘gag order’ barring newspapers, TV networks, and radio stations from mentioning any of the contents in any of these emails. Instead, FBI Director James Comey was allowed to enumerate a list of infractions that gave the impression that Clinton was guilty of some sort of crime for operating a non-secure system, destroying public documents, and lying about it. This was a betrayal of the first magnitude.”

Long-time Clinton crony Sidney Blumenthal offered some sympathy for Comey, calling him “the victim of a conspiracy of right-wing FBI agents who staged a coup d’etat against the rightful rulers of this country. Comey tried to protect Hillary from these traitors, but was thwarted by pressure from them ridiculously insisting that she be treated the same as any other person under the law.”

President Obama blamed Facebook. “By essentially allowing anyone to post whatever they wanted to on Facebook, Mr. Zuckerberg neglected his responsibility to police the forum and block the publication of erroneous ideas,” Obama complained. “I know he contends that his algorithms were designed to divert attention away from these erroneous ideas, but clearly that wasn’t adequate. Millions of people were still able, through persistence, to find these posts and be influenced by them to cast incorrect ballots. This is something that has to be fixed before the next election.”

Obama Pondering Pardoning Clinton

Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest expressed confidence that President Obama would “not let emotional outbursts by people understandably distraught over the election deter him from pardoning Hillary and those other public servants for any crimes they may have committed in the course of performing their duties. The template for such a pardon was established by President Ford’s similar pardon for Nixon. And as Hillary pointed out in one of the debates, in America we don’t jail losing candidates.”

“Governing is not a business for the squeamish,” Earnest added. “Actions that might be regarded as appalling if done by ordinary people may be necessary for maintaining order and continuity among those elevated to rule the nation. Punishing members of the governing class for undertaking the distasteful tasks necessary would be too disruptive to the peaceful transfer of power.”

France and Germany Rattled by Trump’s Election

French and German officials expressed concern over the election of Donald Trump as the next US president.

French Foreign Minister Jean-Marc Ayrault called Trump’s triumph over Clinton “a shock to the system. Trump’s insistence that we must pay for our own defense is an unprecedented deviation from the post WWII consensus.”

French President Francois Hollande, languishing with a pathetic 4% approval rating, feared that “the success of Mr. Trump may be a harbinger of a resurgent right-wing in France. If a nation with only a tiny fraction of Muslim immigrants installs Trump there would seem to be little chance of us avoiding the election of Marine Le Pen next year.”

A despondent German Chancellor Angela Merkel wondered “who will now help bear the burden of accepting Muslim gropers, molesters, and rapists? Secretary Clinton gave many assurances that significant numbers would be admitted to the United States if she was elected. Trump promises to block all those who can’t be properly vetted. This may end the post-World War II alliance between our two countries.”

In related news, the Muslim Brotherhood labeled Trump’s election “a disaster for our hopes of creating a new global caliphate. Our opportunity to penetrate America will be drastically curtailed and our fighters trapped within the confines of Europe and Asia.”

NYC Mayor to Delete Illegal Alien Database

New York City’s Democratic Mayor Bill de Blasio says he will order the deletion of the database of 850,000 illegal aliens residing in his city “to protect them from any enforcement action President Trump may attempt after he takes office.”

The database was established as part of deBlasio’s initiative to issue ID cards to those in the country illegally “so they can live normal lives like any other American. New York has been and will remain a sanctuary city. If it was important when a friendly Administration was in charge in Washington, it is crucial now that a hostile bigot like Trump is in line to be president.”

DeBlasio proclaimed himself “unafraid of what a President Trump might do. Congress will never allow him to cut federal aid to sanctuary cities. And the FBI is already on record declaring that the deletion of public data by former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was not a prosecutable offense. So, there’s precedent protecting our action. I don’t see what leverage Trump could have to try to enforce compliance with his new policies.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

 

Reflections on the Elections

Most amazing: President-elect Trump’s rallies in numerous states were amazing. It appeared in several states that he would lose, but then he came roaring on to take them in the latter stages of vote counting. We were appalled at some of Trump’s behavior in past years, but we are confident that with friends like Dr. Ben Carson and Franklin Graham standing with him, he is a changed man. He has the potential to undue much of the horrific damage done to the nation by Barack Hussein Obama.

Most shocking: What, are you kidding? No Democratic lawsuits, no challenges over votes, no demands for recounts? When you get whipped that badly, not even Democrat lawyers can muck up the works enough to contest an election. And the Dems were no doubt over-confident that they’d win the presidency outright and would not actually need to resort to their usual dirty tricks. About the only weasel works evident were Democrat attempts to run to courts and beg judges to extend voting hours. Thank goodness, these attempts were rebuffed.

Most appalling: The civil unrest that’s followed. What are high schools and colleges teaching these truant students? That when things don’t go your way, when you suffer disappointments, you walk out of school and throw a hissy fit. You need an emotional support dog. You disobey law enforcement officers by blocking streets. You riot. You damage other people’s property. You sign a petition demanding the election results be overturned. Bottom line? You do not prepare these kids for the work place. Try these stunts on work time and you’ll be out of a job. Life is full of disappointments. Grow up.

Least surprising: A stand-up president would call for order, civility and calmness in the cities under siege by rioters. A leader in the White House would urge restraint and respect for the transition of power and for other people’s property. But that’s not what we have in the man in the White House. A real leader would be working with cities to quell the riots and beef up security with the National Guard. This president is weak and inept.

Highly disgusting: So-called “newscasters”  at ABC Channel 15 in Phoenix participated in an election commercial aimed at making a Republican congressional candidate look bad. The commercial accused Paul Babeu of mistreating students years ago as the headmaster at a school in Massachusetts. No less than four ABC “newscasters” were shown scowling during the hit piece, clearly trying to cast a pall on Babeu. Totally unethical, improper and inappropriate.

Highly alarming: Radical leftist George Soros threw his big fat wallet into Arizona and took down legendary Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio. The Obama Administration had been attacking Arpaio in the courts for years. He’s an impediment to the Democrat-sponsored border invasion designed to bring in new voters. And he had to go. They finally got him. Soros is never up for election, so we can’t vote out the war chest he’s using to attack America at its foundations.

Mostly gone: In two years from now we must defeat Secretary of State Michelle Reagan in the GOP primary. She has proven incompetent in her election performance, not able to master the technology, which delays voting results. The scary thing is that this pro-abortion leftist is a heartbeat away from the governor’s office, and the secretary of state’s office has been a springboard for some future governors. We can do better than this. We need a good conservative leader to take out Reagan in the 2018 primary election.

Welcome newcomer: Hey, Andy Biggs, welcome to Congress! As the successor to Matt Salmon in the East Valley congressional district, we are overjoyed at your election and know you’ll do a great job! Congratulations, also, to incumbents winning re-election: Trent Franks, David Schweikert, Martha McSally and Paul Gosar. We still to regain the seat in northeastern Arizona.

Abominable: We are indebted to the voters who rejected Prop 205 and stopped the national wave of marijuana legalization in Arizona. The commercials claiming marijuana would help children’s education were nothing short of abominable. Unconscionable! Unfortunately Prop 206 passed, raising the minimum wage, and that will really hurt small businesses and people seeking part-time work. The state’s new minimum wage is untenable for many businesses and they’ll hire fewer people, likely let others go. Bad move, voters.

Hillary’s Unsecure Email System Breached

By   John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnFBI agents examining the trove of former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s emails on a lap-top computer seized from sexter Anthony Weiner reportedly have discovered that the emails show signs of being hacked on multiple occasions. Among the suspected hackers are China, Germany, Russia and South Korea.

Clinton campaign manager Robby Mook contends that “this proves what we’ve been saying all along. It’s good that a source as reputable as the FBI has corroborated that it is the Russians who’ve been meddling in our election and why America’s future security is dependent upon the election of a proven leader like Secretary Clinton as our next president.”

FBI Director James Comey declined to offer any details regarding the ongoing criminal investigation into Secretary Clinton’s illegal email set-up, but did call Mook’s assertion “an inaccurate characterization of the status of what we have gleaned from Mr. Weiner’s device.”

In related news, Huma Abedin, Hillary confidante and wife to Weiner, has been tasked by the campaign to atone for her role in the scandal by raising more money to supplement the billion dollar effort to elect Clinton. At a fund-raiser at the north-west Washington home of Constance Milstein, a $5,000 donation will entitle the giver to a “selfie” photograph with Abedin. Millionaire Democrat donor Dennis Mann says he “can’t wait. This is the biggest scandal in American history. Paying a mere $5,000 to be photographed with a key confederate like Huma is an opportunity not to be missed.”

DOD to Reform Army Recruitment

This week Secretary of Defense Ashton Carter announced his “vision” for the Army of the future. As Carter sees it “the armed forces need to represent a better cross section of the population. Right now too many of our recruits are rednecks and gun nuts. As President Obama is fond of saying, ‘this is not who we are as a country.’”

In order to move toward a more representative mix in the US military Carter vows “to enlist more people with different lifestyles.” The different lifestyles under consideration include the obese, drug addicts, transgenders, and single moms. “Excluding these different people guarantees that our troops will not resemble our population,” the secretary pointed out. “By being more inclusive we will show this country’s enemies that they face our total population, not just those who are fit to fight.”

“The flip side, of course, is opening up all the benefits of military service to people, who quite frankly, could use it,” the secretary said. “The medical care for those on active duty exceeds anything that Obamacare can provide. There’s no deductible. There’s no limit on how much can be spent on any individual. Considering that overweight people have more health problems and that many transgenders can’t afford genital reconstruction surgery, the option of having the government take care of you has to be attractive to these groups.”

In a similar move, the Obama Administration’s Advancing Diversity in Law Enforcement initiative is pushing 18,000 law enforcement agencies at the state and local levels to hire drug abusers and ex-cons as a way to recruit more officers from “underrepresented communities.” Vanita Gupta, Deputy Assistant Attorney General for civil rights for the US Department of Justice, called “these victims of white man’s justice a prime untapped resource for achieving a more progressive society. Their experiences from the other side will be invaluable as we march forward toward a brighter tomorrow.”

Obama Warns Voters “Trump Is Not One of Us”

In his last push on behalf of electing Hillary Clinton our next president, President Obama sought to paint her GOP opponent Donald Trump as “other.”

“Donald Trump is not a regular guy,” Obama said. “He doesn’t drink the same beer you do. He doesn’t drink any kind of beer or other alcoholic beverage. He may have been a TV star, but all your favorite TV and movie stars hate him. I’m the one they like and I’m telling you to vote for Hillary.”

Obama also contrasted “Trump’s money-grubbing career as a billion-dollar real estate tycoon” with “Hillary’s life of public service. He piled up a fortune by forcing people to pay to stay in his hotels. Hillary left the White House dead broke and would have died penniless if grateful people from all parts of the world hadn’t given her millions to continue her public service as a senator and secretary of state.”

“The choice is clear,” Obama said. “Do you want to risk taking a chance on an unproven and inexperienced outsider like Trump? Or do you want to ensure that we stay the course I have led the country on for these past eight years? The future of America and the world depends on how you vote on November 8th.”

Contrary to the Democrats’ efforts to portray Trump and his supporters as “deplorables,” a study just released by the Pew Research Center found that “Donald Trump’s supporters are more tolerant, open-minded, respectful and understanding than are Hillary Clinton’s supporters.”

“It’s not at all what I would’ve expected,” remarked MSNBC’s Chris Matthews. “Clinton’s backers are the ones with liberal arts degrees. The meme is that college education makes you more tolerant. The only explanation that makes sense is that the Trump supporters are justifiably tolerant of their social betters and the Clinton supporters are justifiably intolerant of the social inferiors who make up the bulk of Trump’s supporters.”

However, another possible explanation is that while Trump has narrowly focused his attacks on a “crooked” Hillary, she, in turn, has broadly demeaned Trump supporters as “dark, divisive, and dangerous.” It is possible that Trump’s supporters are more tolerant of Hillary’s supporters because they see them as fellow victims of her crimes and deserving of some sympathy. Perhaps Clinton’s scurrilous denigration of Trump’s supporters is a factor in her supporters instigating violence at Trump rallies.

In related news, music producer and singer Pharrell Williams urged women to vote for Hillary because “she’s no more dishonest than you are. Sure she’s lied, but who hasn’t? Men have screwed this country up since the beginning. It’s time a woman is given a chance.”

White House Happy with Brazile

Despite Wikileaks evidence showing that Donna Brazile helped Hillary Clinton cheat against rival Bernie Sanders during the Democratic primaries by covertly passing questions to her ahead of debates, Press Secretary-Josh Earnest maintains that she has President Obama’s full support as chairperson of the DNC.

“The president is loyal to his friends,” Earnest insisted. “The fact that Donna has been fired by CNN for besmirching their integrity has only stiffened his resolve to stand by her. Look, what she did is no worse than a baseball team stealing another team’s signs. It’s all part of the game. It’s not her fault that Bernie and his crew didn’t have the enterprise to cultivate their own inside contacts at the networks. Their lack of preparation shouldn’t be used as an excuse to pillory long-time public servants like Donna and Hillary.”

“The key thing is to win,” Earnest added. “If you win you have the power to make whatever you had to do legal. If you lose you’re left on the outside begging for crumbs from the winner. Donna didn’t just choose to back the winner. She went the extra mile to help make that happen in what turned out to be a very close race. She is the kind of person the President is proud to have on our side.”

Wikileaks Expose Documents Showing “Intent”

In July, FBI Director James Comey enumerated a list of crimes for which former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton could’ve been prosecuted if only there were evidence of “intent.” He settled for labeling her deceptive practices regarding classified communications as “extraordinarily careless.”

This past week’s Wikileaks document unveiling included two emails indicating that Clinton’s henchmen were actively pursuing steps to hide her crimes. In one email, campaign chairman John Podesta says “we are going to have to dump all those emails.” In another, Clinton aide Cheryl Mills orders technicians running the illegal email system to delete undesired emails with “Bleach Bit.”

Podesta attempted to assert that “dump” could’ve meant to publish the emails. “Every week we see Friday afternoon ‘dumps’ of information by the Obama Administration,” he pointed out. “Who’s to say that I didn’t intend for our technicians to publish those 33,000 emails?” Perhaps the fact that the emails were not published might be indicative of Podesta’s real intent to have them deleted.

For her part, Mills contends that her mention of Bleach Bit “was merely part of a process brainstorming options for dealing with the problem. How was I to know the IT guys would actually implement this option?” In the face of one of the technicians’ concerns that “this whole thing is really covering up a lot of shady sh*t,” the notion that hired IT guys would, on their own initiative, “bleach” the emails out of Hillary’s hard drive without instructions to do so from the person who hired them seems dubious.

In related news, in another Wikileaks exposed email Podesta expressed dismay that Chelsea Clinton “would air our dirty laundry by confiding her fears about the financial irregularities at the Foundation with one of Bush’s daughters. This is not smart. Then again, her mother has made some amazingly stupid decisions. So I guess the apple didn’t fall too far from the tree.”

Clinton Campaign Questions FBI Release

This week the FBI released a file with information regarding former President Bill Clinton’s pardon of fugitive financier Marc Rich in 2001. Rich was under indictment on 65 criminal counts, including income tax evasion, wire fraud, racketeering, and trading with Iran during the oil embargo. Subsequent to receiving the pardon, Rich paid a million dollars to the Clintons.

Clinton campaign press secretary Brian Fallon accused the FBI of “wrongfully trying to influence the election,” characterized the seeming bribe for the pardon as “a coincidence,” and complained that “even if it was a bribe, the statute of limitations on that crime has long since expired.”

An FBI spokesman described the release as “a routine response to a Freedom of Information Request. The statute of limitations on the case is expired. Mr. Rich is dead. There will be no prosecution. So there is no legal grounds for withholding this public record.”

Biden Says Hillary Faces Unfair “Double Standard”

Vice-President Joe Biden assailed what he says is an unfair “double standard” when it comes to judging Hillary Clinton’s “authenticity and trustworthiness.”

“Look, when her husband was running for president voters overlooked the Whitewater scam and all the women he molested and let him be president,” Biden remembered. “They lowered the bar for him. In a just world they’d give a similar pass to Hillary. But no, every little misstep is being held against her by a biased media aided and abetted by a rogue FBI.”

“They say she lies,” Biden added. “What politician doesn’t lie? Bill lied about Monica. Harry Reid lied about Romney. Barack lied about keeping your doctor. It happens. We don’t hold it against the brave men and women who must make great sacrifices to run the country.”

“I say she’s paid her dues waiting in line for her turn at the top,” Biden declared. “Letting her have that turn will enable us to repay the enormous debt this nation owes her for three decades of public service.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Post Warns Trump Election ‘Blows Chance for Confronting Russia’

By  John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnJackson Diehl, deputy editorial page editor of the Washington Post, issued a stern warning to voters that “the election of Donald Trump would risk undermining our opportunity to blunt Russian imperialism in Syria. The United States is far stronger than Putin’s Russia. We must not let them succeed.”

“In contrast,” the Diehl pointed out, “Secretary Clinton understands the importance of maintaining a balance of power between the Assad regime and the Islamic State in the region and can be counted on to reject Putin’s plea that the United States and Russia forge a common front against Islamic terrorism.”

Trump campaign manager Kellyanne Conway called the Post editorial “as clear a proof of the need for change in this country’s leadership as we could have hoped to see. Mr. Diehl and Hillary Clinton are mired in the last generation’s cold war ideology. Russia is no longer the Soviet Union. While we may have our differences with Putin it should be obvious that the main threat to peace and civilization in our current era is Islamic terrorism.”

Conway’s remarks on behalf of Trump were labeled “ignorant” by Clinton campaign manager Robby Mook. “They illustrate why the steady hand of a person like Secretary Clinton is needed at the helm. Her experience in government as First Lady, Senator, and Secretary of State have prepared her for making the hard choices regarding international affairs. She has participated in decisions to kill our enemies—experience Trump can only imagine. She has worked side-by-side with President Obama to craft the nuanced policy that has served this nation so well during the current Administration. Voters would be daft to throw that away.”

In related news, Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest complained that “Trump’s repeated use of the term ‘Islamic terrorism’ undermines our battle to win the narrative. It’s the Islamic State that is touting the conflict as a jihad inspired by the Quran. Our goal has to be to short-circuit their bid to define what is happening. Use of neutral terms like ‘man caused disaster’ are essential if we are to control the narrative.”

Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton seconded Earnest’s interpretation and went one step further by contending that “Trump’s words give aid and comfort to this nation’s enemies. That’s treason. He must be held accountable for that and he will have to face the consequences of his actions after I’m elected president.”

IRS to Warn Uninsured

Irked by the decision of 20 million Americans who have declined to sign up for Obamacare, the IRS is crafting a letter to advise them of the “antisocial implications” of non-participation.

Commissioner John Koskinen explained that “failure to enroll evinces a lack of cooperation with a policy that the government has determined is necessary. Non-compliers may feel that enrollment is optional. It is not. That’s why there is a fine. Paying the fine doesn’t get them off the hook.”

Koskinen pointed out that “not only does the amount of the fine ratchet up each year, our Agency has other tools at its disposal to try to encourage obedience. We can conduct audits, freeze bank accounts, and seize assets as a means of compelling the recalcitrant to yield to the government’s wishes. We regard advising people of their peril by letter to be a most considerate measure to help them avoid unwanted complications from continued noncompliance.”

In related news, Koskinen told the House Judiciary Committee that he doesn’t deserve to be impeached for lying to Congress because “I was not fully informed that Agency subordinates had illegally destroyed documents under House subpoena. I, like so many others, at the highest levels of government, have been betrayed by feckless or malicious subordinates.” Koskinen blamed “civil service regulations that tie the hands of those appointed by the President to carry out his policies. We don’t have a free hand to replace disloyal employees with others committed to his cause.”

Rep. Jason Chaffetz (R-Utah) characterized Koskinen’s stance as “ludicrous. First, the IRS engaged in illegal discriminatory treatment against conservative groups. Then they covered up the evidence. Now the Commission wants us to believe that non-political civil service employees are the real problem? It looks like the rot at the IRS seeps down from the uppermost level.”

Treasury Says Billions Paid to Iran Not Used to Fund Terrorists

Treasury Secretary Jack Lew told the House Financial Services Committee that “we have no evidence that the billions of dollars we have released to Iran in the past year have been used to fund terrorism. In fact, the government of Iran has assured us, in no uncertain terms, that not one dollar has been used to directly finance any terrorist group.”

Lew admitted that “we have no real way of knowing. We didn’t record the serial numbers of any of the bills we handed over” as “this would not have shown good faith. Friendship is built upon a certain measure of trust. If we don’t trust, if we’re always demanding proof, I don’t see how our two nations can ever hope to be friends.”

Committee Chair Rep. Jeb Hensarling (R-Texas) called Lew’s position “stunningly naive. Iran has been a major funder of terrorist groups throughout the Middle East. The Obama Administration has been funneling cash to the regime by the bucket load, apparently ‘no questions asked.’ They are either insane or stupid beyond belief.”

In related news, members of Libya’s parliament have christened former US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton “the butcher of Libya.” MP Jaballah Al-Shibani complained that “this evil witch took credit for killing Gadhafi, but we are worse off than we ever were under his government. Thousands of families have been destroyed by the radicals, with the women now living under Shariah law with no education, no good health, no schools, no good food, because of Hillary Clinton’s policies. Allah forbid she should gain even more power as America’s president.”

Is the Clinton Foundation a “Phony Charity”

Hillary Clinton’s run for the presidency has sparked greater interest in the activities of her family’s famous charitable foundation. The interest has uncovered some disquieting information.

For starters, a remarkably tiny share of all the donations to the Clinton Foundation end up financing aid to the needy. A recent accounting indicates that less than 6% goes out as charity. Over 90% funds the lavish travel expenses of the Clintons themselves and a bloated bureaucracy of Clinton family followers and political sycophants. In a well-run reputable charity the normal split is 75% to the needy, 25% to overhead and expenses.

Even the 6% flowing to needy recipients is not an unmixed blessing. The CHAI program to help AIDS victims appears to have distributed adulterated and diluted AIDS drugs to Third World victims. The Foundation has had a long-term relationship with Indian drug manufacturer Ranbaxy despite mounting evidence of persistently poor quality control. Although Ranbaxy’s drugs are now barred from being sold in the US, former President Clinton continues to praise and the foundation to distribute the company’s HIV/AID drugs to patients abroad.

Then there’s the case of Haiti, where the Foundation used 2010’s devastating earthquake to boost its donations. After Hillary promised to “make Haiti better than it was before the quake,” the Foundation’s efforts mostly netted lush construction contracts for a few (including Roger Clinton and Tony Rodham—Hillary’s brother) and amazingly minuscule benefits for Haitians. After promising to create 60,000 “good paying jobs” an estimated 9,000 jobs with an average wage of less than $4 per day have been generated. After promising to build 15,000 homes, fewer than 3,000 have been constructed.

Clinton rebuffed the criticisms as “nitpicking” founded on a “bean counting mentality. I don’t know much about the numbers, so I’m not concerned with how much goes where. In my mind, providing jobs for all the good people who work at the Foundation is a valid use of the funds. In the end it’s what’s in people’s hearts that really matters.”

Obama Says Americans Have to Give Up Freedoms

In his speech at the United Nations President Obama said that “in order to realize the promise of the UN, the US must give up freedoms. As we work toward the dream of a world government we have to realize that compromise is necessary. Much of the world is less free than America. We could stubbornly refuse to budge and try to hold onto our special status. Or we could be more adult and recognize we have to meet the unfree segment halfway.”

“For example, freedom of speech and religion are not as common elsewhere,” Obama pointed out. “We can’t expect to cram our values down the throats of the rest of the world. Likewise, Americans are far wealthier than they have the right to be. The world and its resources are the common inheritance of all humanity. We cannot justify our having more when others have less. A more equitable redistribution is the price we must pay for a unified world.”

Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton echoed Obama’s sentiment, but counseled that “getting there from here won’t be easy. There will be a lot of resistance by Americans grown fat by hogging a disproportionate share of the world’s resources. That’s why I have proposed a universal right to emigrate from anywhere to anywhere. This is something that can be accomplished by executive action once I am president. As the population around the world becomes more homogenized in its values political institutions will be reformed to speed the implementation of social justice everywhere. We will abolish distinctions between rich and poor and empower common people everywhere to attain the equality that our progressive agenda has promised.”

Dems Assail Skittles Analogy

Donald Trump Jr.’s analogy employing a bowl of Skittles sparked outrage among defenders of increased Muslim immigration to the United States. In the analogy, the son of the presidential candidate took on the argument that only a few terrorists would be able to sneak into the country by hiding among the throng of refugees from Syria. Trump asked “suppose I offered you the opportunity to grab a handful of Skittles from a bowl in which just a few were poisoned, would you take them?”

The astoundingly dense Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) called Trump Jr. “a rotten apple that hasn’t fallen very far from the tree. Junior would have everyone believe that children fleeing the war in Syria are like poison candy. We know that the vast majority are not. And even if there are a few dozen terrorists hiding in the mix, well, the number of Americans that might be killed by them is tiny. The chances of being killed in an automobile crash are far higher. If we continue to allow Americans to be exposed to this risk surely the lesser risk of being murdered by a terrorist can be tolerated.”

New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio agreed, saying “instances of genuine Islamic terror are vanishingly rare. As we have seen again this past week, the bigger threat is cops shooting unarmed black men. Until we can find a way of putting a stop to this menace I can’t see the purported urgency of stemming Muslim immigration just to placate xenophobes like Trump. As my good friend Sadiq Khan has urged, we need to adapt and realize that terror attacks are part and parcel of modern urban life.”

Meanwhile, London’s Muslim Mayor Sadiq Khan continued his campaign tour on behalf of Hillary Clinton, telling American voters that “immigrants into the West shouldn’t have to assimilate. The Quran commands the faithful to go forth and claim the world for Allah. Insisting that these immigrants must give up this holy quest and accept western values violates their freedom of religion.”

In related news, the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services admitted that it mistakenly granted citizenship to more than 800 Muslims slated for deportation as “security risks.” An additional 953 were naturalized despite outstanding deportation orders. Director Leon Rodriguez maintained that “these were honest mistakes that could’ve happened to anyone. On the one hand, we have the statutory law. On the other, we have the President’s ‘special action’ mandate. Charting a proper course between this Scylla and Charybdis is no easy task. Frankly, I’m surprised the errors didn’t amount to thousands or tens of thousands.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advantage Beck

 

Sean Hannity is already blaming innocent people for Donald Trump’s impending loss in the November election. And he’s blaming them for Mrs. Bill Clinton’s inevitable judicial nominations.

He’s calling out Sen. Ted Cruz, Glen Beck, Jeb Bush and railing against others who are not thrilled with Trump for these future disasters.

“They will own it,” Hannity claims of the leftists who will ride Mrs. Clinton’s appointments to the U.S. court system

Hannity also says he will “enthusiastically” vote for Trump. Beck is thoroughly assessing Trump’s many weaknesses. While Hannity points fingers, Beck is taking the high road.

Today Beck noted that Trump has four field offices in the (former) battleground states of Florida, Pennsylvania, Ohio and North Carolina, Mrs. Bill has over 100. This is as much the Republican Party’s fault as Trump’s though.

Hannity’s railing is inaccurate and inexcusable. No three men have the power to defeat Trump in this election.

Hannity would do well to look in the mirror and realize he has not done his job in advancing the conservative movement. Sure, he talks about being a conservative. But he also says, “I interview the candidates and let the people decide.” Does that sound like an ardent advocate of conservatism to you?

The people decide elections no matter what Hannity does.

And if Hannity was such a great conservative, why does he devote so much air time to liberals and RINOs? Why isn’t he educating listeners on conservative principles? Why isn’t he focusing on conservative guests? Won’t they get ratings for him? Why didn’t he get behind the few patriot conservatives in the presidential race and advocate for one of them winning the nomination?

Hannity, who frequently has said pro-abortion RINO Rudy Giuliani “governed as a conservative,” either doesn’t get it or refuses to acknowledge a great deal of inconvenient truths. Tragically for America, Mrs. Bill Clinton will win the election because:

  • More than 50 million American boys and girls are enrolled in public schools and most of them are daily indoctrinated in secular humanism, socialism and revisionary history.
  • The same can be said of the 20 million-plus students in colleges and universities and …
  • Some 140,000 law school students.
  • The media and the public education system are constantly teaching people of radical left-wing politics.
  • Television and the movies are indoctrinating audiences in left-wing policies and misinformation.
  • The ACLU and countless other radical left-wing groups are re-writing the Constitution.
  • The courts are running roughshod over individual freedoms and the Bill of Rights. The Supreme Court is about to swing hard Left, and Americans may never see it recover.
  • More than 90 percent of America’s daily newspapers are spewing misinformation and poisoning the climate against conservatives and Christians.
  •  Virtually every large metropolitan city in the nation is a leftist cocoon, dominated by groupthink and closed off, by gatekeepers, to the Constitution and Judeo-Christian values.
  • The Department of Justice and the IRS are running interference for far-left policies and crimes committed by leftists.
  • Infighting in the inept Republican Party between those who still believe in the GOP platform and those, like Trump, who do not?
  • The ineptness of the GOP and refusal of the Boehners, Ryans and McConnells who betrayed voters and — like the noblemen of Scotland who rode away from William Wallace’s battlefield — refused to fight Obama and the leftists?

In response, we’ve got Dennis Prager, the Heritage Foundation, Mark Levin and out-numbered conservatives in rural America. What about Rush Limbaugh? He spends more time blowing his own horn than actually educating Americans about conservatism. While the professors of the Left hold classes daily in countless settings, too few people are educating the nation on conservative principles.

So, Mr. Hannity, do you still wish to rail against three individuals for the approaching Republican loss? We are now on the verge of 24 years of Democrats in the White House over a 32-year period. And Cruz and Beck have little to do with it. Cancel guest appearances by McCain and Beckel. Focus on conservative education.

And if the Republican Nominee Can’t Win Arizona …

A polling firm known as OH Predictive Insights has Mrs. Bill Clinton leading Donald Trump in Arizona, 46.6 percent to 42.2 percent. The poll was taken June 20.

It’s still early, yes, but Democrats usually never lead in Arizona presidential polls.

And if the Republican doesn’t win Arizona, he has absolutely no chance to win the November election.

The poll surveyed 1,060 likely voters based on a projection of the November turnout.

Breaking down this poll,  Trump is leading by six points in rural Arizona — which is not a good indicator.

Mrs. Bill Clinton, an ardent socialist advocating for over-control of the American individual, family and private business, has a whopping 17-point lead in Pima County, and that’s no surprise because it’s dominated politically by leftists.

Another bad indicator for Trump is a tie in Maricopa County, the county where Republican candidates can usually count on running up the score and overcoming deficits elsewhere in the state.

Women in Arizona gave Mrs. Bill Clinton a 12-point edge, despite her history of looking the other way while her husband used and abused women and her state department underpaying women.

OH Predictive Insights is a subsidiary of Owens Harkey Advertising. It’s located in Phoenix.

 

 

Arizona will Protect Salt River Wild Horse Herd

Governor Doug Ducey today signed House Bill 2340, which provides needed protections for the Salt River Horses. He explains below why he signed the bill:

“The Salt River Horses are beautiful, majestic and a treasure to our state. Since last summer, we have worked to protect them and their ability to roam free,” said Governor Doug Ducey.  “Many Arizonans were rightly outraged when the future of the Salt River Horse was put at risk, and I was clear then that I would do everything in my power to protect them from danger. Today, I am proud to sign a bill that paves the way state, local and federal forces to work together to keep them free from interference or harassment. I am grateful to  Rep. Kelly Townsend for her leadership and committment to protecting the Salt River Horses.”

Moderate Muslims Are ‘Uncle Toms’ Says London Mayor-Elect

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnLondon’s newly elected mayor, Labour Party candidate Sadiq Khan, vows he will “establish the order prescribed by the Quran” when he takes office later this year.

Mohamed instructed us to subjugate unbelievers and make them submit to paying the jizya tax,” Khan observed. “For too long Muslims in the United Kingdom have been ‘Uncle Toms’ meekly adapting to British customs and culture when it should be the other way around. This election is the first step in rectifying this sacrilegious disorder.”

Labour voter Constance Dimworthy said she is “glad the City government will finally be sticking it to the ‘toffs.’ Why should they be allowed to sit in their cozy estates while I have to subsist on skimpy welfare payments and live in dowdy public housing?”

Ms. Dimworthy was not at all fazed by Khan’s Muslim beliefs. “As I understand it, the Quran is pretty big on the obligation of the rich to pay alms to the poor. Well, I’m poor. If this jizya tax thing puts more money in my pocket I’m all for it.”

New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio was among the first US politicians to congratulate Khan and said he hopes the new Mayor “will move quickly to protect the rights of gays and transexuals as we have done here in our city.”

In related news, de Blasio urged New Yorkers to boycott Chick fil-A. “The owners of this perfidious restaurant must not be permitted to continue to enjoy the privileges of conducting a business if they refuse to accept society’s changing attitudes towards the LGBT community,” he said. “They would like to confine the issue to whether their sandwiches offer good value for the consumers’ dollars. But I say social solidarity is more important than economic freedom, and I look forward to a future where we guardians of society’s values have the authority to enforce them by more direct means than merely urging boycotts.”

DOJ Suggests Hillary’s Lawbreaking “Not Malicious”

Trying to map a politically viable route out of the national security infractions committed by former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, U.S. Attorney General Loretta Lynch professed herself “unable to find any evidence that Secretary Clinton had any malicious intent.”

We’re thinking that her use of an unsecured private computer server for classified communications was just an honest mistake that could more properly be attributed to ignorance or incompetence,” Lynch speculated. “Judging from events on the campaign trail, it is not implausible to hypothesize that brain damage from a concussion she suffered last year or early onset dementia are more likely explanations for an error of this magnitude.”

Lynch contrasted Clinton’s actions with those of former CIA employee Eric Snowden “who intentionally exposed US government secrets. The damage done by Mr. Snowden is immense and continuing. The credibility of everything our government does was undermined.”

The AG further contended that “the fact that Secretary Clinton is leading in the race for the Democratic Party’s presidential nomination would seem to indicate that the American people are willing to overlook her innocent mistakes. Rather than blindly pursue a ‘by-the-book’ approach, we’re leaning toward allowing the process of getting voter input to play itself out. If voters elect her president we’d take that as a sign that we should ‘forgive and forget’ this relatively minor infraction. After all, if she becomes president she could simply pardon herself regardless of what our Office might do to prosecute her anyway. So, why make an investment in an effort that could so easily be undone?”

Candidate Says Coal Remarks “Taken out of Context”

Seeking to dissuade West Virginia voters from holding her promise “to put a lot of coal miners and coal companies out of business” against her, Democratic presidential contender Hillary Clinton maintains that “those remarks have been distorted by being taken out of context.”

The specific context, according to the candidate “was the need to get the votes of environmentally conscious individuals in states that have no coal industry. For my opponents and the media to inject that statement into the West Virginia primary distorts the nuanced messages I am trying to express to the varied constituencies around the nation. It is an unfair and sexist assault on my long history of selfless public service to this country.”

The important thing that is getting pushed aside is that preserving the dirty and dangerous job of mining coal is no longer necessary in our economy,” Clinton argued. “Under my Administration the displaced coal miners who still want to work will be moved into the solar energy sector. Those who are tired of working will be assured of abundant government benefits if they drop out of the workforce. This has been the basic thrust of President Obama’s economic policy for the last eight years. I am pledging to continue that policy. I can’t see why voters who twice gave their state’s electoral votes to President Obama wouldn’t want to give them to me.”

Even if West Virginia voters don’t warm to her, Clinton took comfort from her perception that “the whole world is pulling for me to beat Donald Trump in November. That has got to be a bigger coalition than whatever fragments of opposition might coalesce around a nativist like Trump.”

German Army Hampered by Overtime Rules

The German Army had to shorten its participation in recent NATO war-game exercises because the government’s labor regulations restrict the number of continuous hours troops can be on duty.

Minister of Defense Rinehart Schwachkopf defended the move asserting that “preserving the rights of the worker against exploitation is an essential function of the German government. If we start discarding rights on the pretext that ‘defense is too important’ to have to comply with regulations intended to protect these rights we raise the question of what are we fighting for if not to protect Germans’ rights?”

Schwachkopf acknowledged that “enemies of Germany might seek to exploit any gaps in our defenses caused by troops having to stand down in order to comply with labor rules, but no one said maintaining the social benefits of the working class would always be easy. Our armed forces will need to learn to be more efficient and expeditious in their operations.”

The Minister went on to point out that “blitzkrieg, or lightning war, used to be something Germany’s armies deployed to great success in the past. Perhaps knowing that their troops are on a time clock our generals will reacquaint themselves with this once successful tactic.”

Egyptian Official Blames Cartoons for Muslim Violence

The head of Egypt’s State Information Service (SIS), Ambassador Salah Abdel Sadek, says that “the rising tide of violence in Muslim countries can be directly traced to Western cartoons. Around the globe innocent Muslims are exposed to the carnage inflicted by cats and mice on each other in cartoons like ‘Tom and Jerry’ or ‘Itchy and Scratchy.’ Is it any wonder, then that they go on rampages of killing?”

Sadek contended that “Muslims are particularly susceptible to this insidious influence because our critical thinking skills have been suppressed by Zionist infiltrators” and called for “the elimination of the Jewish state in our midst” as the remedy most likely to be effective.

Hillary for President campaign manager Robbie Mook cited Sadek’s comments as “a vindication of Secretary Clinton’s assertion that a video is what inspired the mob that killed Ambassador Stevens at the Benghazi compound in 2012. Poorly educated Arabs are easy targets for influence by videos of any sort. If a cartoon is enough to goad a Palestinian into bombing an Israeli bus, why is it so hard to believe that an even more pointed video might goad a mob into killing Ambassador Stevens? I think Ambassador Sadek’s insightful perspective puts the nail in the coffin of the email witch hunt being conducted against Hillary.”

Medical Errors Third Leading Cause of Death in US

A study published in the prominent medical journal BMJ concluded that errors by doctors and hospitals kill more than 250,000 people a year in the US. Martin Makary, professor of surgery at the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine, led the research team and said “It boils down to people dying from the care that they receive rather than the disease for which they are seeking care.”

In recent years a lot has been made of the issue of people living without health insurance and how the government must take heroic efforts to compel everyone to obtain insurance,” Makary observed. “The concern is that those without insurance won’t be able to afford treatment. This study indicates that not being treated isn’t always bad. Sometimes entering the medical world exposes patients to dangers worse than the ailments they had going in.”

It’s one thing for people to be insured against catastrophic health emergencies like accidents or serious diseases,” he continued. “There the risk/reward profile for being treated is more balanced. But when comprehensive coverage entices a person to make entering the realm of medical treatment their first option they may be increasing their risk falling victim to medical error without sufficient reason.”

The human body has developed many self-healing abilities over millions of years of evolution,” Makary said. “In many instances relying on that may be a better bet than relying on the much newer and less evolved art of medicine. At the very least, the data don’t support a policy of forcing everyone into a government mandated health protocol like the Affordable Care Act seeks to do.”

In related news, hospitals in the United Kingdom are posting “do not resuscitate” orders—without the patients’ or families’ consent—for tens of thousands of National Health Care patients as a cost-saving measure. NHS spokesman Dr. Malcolm Kildare called the step “a necessary conservation of social resources. A patient of little value to society and his or her family is not the best judge of how our limited resources should be used. Rationalizing the system to ensure resources are available for higher value patients is essential.”

EU to Fine Member Nations for Rejecting Refugees

Concerned that the flow of Muslim immigrants into the European Union might be deterred if member nations refuse to accept ever enlarging quantities of refugees, officials are implementing a €250,000 (about $300,000) per head fine for every refugee not allowed into a country.

EU spokesman Geert Waloon explained that “the European reproduction rate is far below replacement levels. If our countries are to avoid becoming uninhabited ‘ghost towns’ we must increase our population. The refugees are fertile and not averse to generating offspring. Securing an abundant supply of them will ensure that EU government workers will have an adequate number of welfare clients to justify their employment.” The fines are expected to raise in excess of €50 million annually, most of which will be used to fund the salaries of EU welfare agency employees.

GOP presumptive presidential nominee Donald Trump called the fines “insane” and vowed that “nothing like this will happen in our country if I’m its next president.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Governor Praises 2016 Legislative Session Accomplishments

Gov. Doug Ducey, now in his second year as the state’s chief executive, is singing the praises of the 2016 legislative session. The Republican Party, in general, could take a lesson from his communication skills. Here’s his statement:

This session was about addressing priorities, keeping promises and solving problems. Together, lawmakers stepped up and worked in a spirit of good faith and good government to keep Arizona on a strong and stable path forward.

For the first time since 2007, we brought our budget to structural balance – and we did it while investing in our vital commitments, protecting our most vulnerable and honoring our veterans. We’ve prioritized our K-12 schools, our world-class universities, child safety and public safety – and we’ve done it without raising taxes on hardworking Arizonans.

We built upon our accomplishments last year to bring our laws into the 21st-century, embrace the sharing economy and make Arizona more attractive and responsive to innovation.

We took significant action to keep our citizens, families and communities safe – from ramping up the fight against drug cartels and drug addiction, to bringing justice to victims of crime, to eliminating roadblocks to care for foster children and families.

We did a lot of good this session – but these accomplishments are not ours. They belong to the Arizona students and teachers, who will benefit from more resources in the classrooms; the families, small business owners and citizens, who will benefit from low taxes, lean regulations, and an excellent quality of life; and the next generation, who will benefit from our efforts to set Arizona’s budget in balance and save for the future.”

 

 

Attorney General Wins Big Victory against Physician Immunity under Marijuana Act

Attorney General Mark Brnovich announced today a major victory in litigation involving the scope of physician immunity under the Arizona Medical Marijuana Act or AMMA.

The Arizona Supreme Court unanimously ruled the AMMA does not immunize a physician against prosecution for falsely attesting that he or she reviewed a patient’s medical records from the previous twelve months before providing a written certification authorizing medical marijuana use.

“Arizona voters never intended for our medical marijuana laws to give criminal immunity to anyone who breaks the law in order to operate marijuana mills aimed at maximizing profits rather than providing good patient care,” said Attorney General Mark Brnovich.

“Today, the Supreme Court sent a clear message; if doctors commit a crime while issuing medical marijuana certifications they will be held accountable,” added Brnovich.
 
In 2012, a Navajo County Grand Jury indicted Dr. Robert Gear on one count of Forgery and one count of Fraudulent Schemes and Artifices. Dr. Gear allegedly signed a medical marijuana certification for a police informant before receiving a year’s worth of the patient’s records. The trial court dismissed the indictment, ruling ARS 36–2811(C) immunized Dr. Gear against prosecution on those charges. The Court of Appeals affirmed.

In today’s ruling written by Justice Clint Bolick, the Arizona Supreme Court vacated the opinion of the Court of Appeals, reversed the trial court’s order of dismissal, and returned the criminal case against Dr. Gear back to the trial court in Navajo County.

Solicitor General John R. Lopez IV argued the case before the Arizona Supreme Court.

Assistant Attorney General Maria Syms authored the Amicus Curiae Brief on behalf of the State of Arizona.

For additional information, members of the media may contact Mia Garcia, Director of Media Relations at (602) 339-5895 or Mia.Garcia@azag.gov.

To read the decision in full, CLICK HERE.