Media Star Calls for Biden Dictatorship

By: John Semmens

ABC legal analyst Sunny Hostin advised her co-hosts of “The View” and the audience to support rule by executive decree. Guest-host Tara Setmayer objected “that’s not the way democracy works. Representatives of the people are elected to Congress. They have to be involved in the process of governing.”

Hostin insisted that “you can’t build consensus with crazy people. You can’t build consensus with insurrectionists. One-man rule is the only feasible way to move this country forward. I know what I’m saying sounds Stalinistic, but who can deny that his style of governing was successful? He transformed Russia from a bucolic backwater into an industrial giant, defeated the Nazis in WWII, and made his country into a super power. No single individual in any democracy has ever accomplished as much.”

Co-host Whoopi Goldberg said “what you’re saying is that President Biden should be a dictator. That doesn’t seem right.”

“Our country is at a crucial crossroad where we must choose between what’s right and what’s necessary,” Hostin countered. “If we want to escape the electoral nightmare that the polls project we can’t afford to let our aims be thwarted by an idiotic insistence on abiding by democratic principles. We must act before Republicans gain power. The action we must take requires a temporary deviation from democracy. We saw how well this worked during the pandemic. We need the courage to learn from this example.”

In related news, Dr. Anthony Fauci said Americans “must be flexible enough to accept a more rigid type of totalitarian restrictions if government experts decide that they are needed to fight a resurgence of covid. I know it appears that the pandemic is waning, but it could be a ruse used by the virus to weaken our resolve. However, I am ever vigilant and will not hesitate to let the President know when it is time to tighten the screws against frivolous freedoms that endanger public health.”

Karrin Taylor Robson already catching Kari Lake in polling

It’s too early to make predictions in the Arizona Gubernatorial Race but it is starting to look like a two person one between Karrin Taylor Robson the businesswoman and Kari Lake the news anchor.

Recent polling done by Data Orbital, an Arizona based polling firm with ties to Kari Lake, shows that Karrin Taylor Robson has had the largest and fastest increase from 6.5% in February 2022 to 21.5% this month. Kari Lake, the front runner is also losing support which is making the race a tighter one. Kari Lake started with 40% in February and has since fallen to 35.2%. Matt Salmon also saw significant decreases falling from 17.5% to 11.9% and Steve Gaynor has remained relatively unknown and in last place hovering around 7%.

While this is still early in the 2022 election cycle the trends are starting to show Karrin Taylor Robson building momentum and Kari losing it. The polling trend follows the money trend closely. During the last reporting period Karrin Taylor Robson reported $3,000,000 cash on hand and Kari Lake reported only $370,000 cash on hand. Polling and fundraising are two of the most important factors in political races.

Biden Offers Money-Saving Tips

By: John Semmens

As an aid to coping with inflation, President Biden urged families to “switch to renewable energy because it will save them money. The average family car costs over $700 per month to operate. Selling this cash-eater will eliminate that cost. Taking public transit will shift the majority of your travel costs to the government where it will be paid for by taxpayers. An even thriftier and more healthy option would be to walk everywhere you go. There’s no fare to pay and the exercise is good for you. It will also help save the planet from Climate Change.”

“You can save on heating and cooling costs by following a few simple energy-saving practices,” the President advised. “In the winter be sure to close all your windows to keep out the cold air. Try to spend more time huddling together for warmth just like the pioneers did. In the summer time open all your windows to let the hot air out. Avoid huddling together. Go outside and sit in the shade away from other people. If you must be indoors use a hand-held fan to cool yourself. This also is good exercise. Do as little cooking as possible. Eat most of your food raw. Considering that a majority of Americans are over-weight, just eat less period!”

“Americans already own too much stuff,” he added. “You don’t need all that junk. Rather than waste money buying it learn to get by with less. Most of what you own is going to the land fill when you die anyway. Enjoy just a few simple pleasures like a day in the park or a challenging game of tic-tac-toe—things have have kept me happy and intellectually stimulated all my life.”

“Finally, if you insist on narrowing the gap by boosting your income, do like Hunter does—snag some profitable consulting contracts or favorable trade deals with foreign governments,” his proud father suggested. “He used to be a crack addict, but turned his life around. He now rakes in millions per year through grit and hard work. Maybe you can do the same.”

Romney Would Cut Retirement Benefits for Young

By: John Semmens

The inevitable bankruptcy of the Social Security system prompted Sen. Mitt Romney (R-Utah) to propose cutting the pensions of youthful workers as “the best way out of our dilemma. This would preserve the incomes of those already drawing Social Security by shifting the burden to those who will still be in the workforce for several more decades.”

“The political benefit of this approach is that it won’t produce a backlash from those currently dependent on these benefits,” he explained. “At the same time, the age cohort that will suffer is probably not even aware of whats going on.”

The Senator flatly rejected the idea that policies promoting prosperity ought to be tried. “I know it would be possible to achieve solvency for Social Security if government didn’t waste so much of our nation’s resources,” he said. “If the government’s share of the nation’s income had stayed the same since the end of WWII the average person in this country would be a millionaire by now and inflation would’ve been far lower over the past 75 years. But this would be a radical plan, not a moderate compromise. No Democrats would vote for it. So, for the sake of unity we have to choose a less prosperous America. I will assiduously work with my friends across the aisle to create a plan that puts most of the burden of paying for Social Security pensions on those most able to handle it.”

Judge Overturns Florida Election Reform

By: John Semmens

U.S. District Judge Mark Walker wrote a 288-page decision justifying his ruling that Florida’s recently enacted election integrity reforms are unconstitutional. The chief offending sections of the law included provisions to ensure the security of drop boxes, provisions to restrict bribing voters waiting in line at the polls, and regulations imposed on voter registration groups.

Walker contends that “limiting the placement of drop boxes to locations where the chain-of-custody can be continuously maintained is racist. Many racial minorities fear entering public buildings because of prior negative interactions with police, incarceration, or the slavery suffered by their forebears. To offset these fears drop boxes need to be on every street corner in every city—like the boxes where a person can buy a newspaper.”

“Similarly, waiting in line to vote is an arduous, time-consuming task,” Walker argued. “Interaction with friendly persons providing food, water, and voting advice helps make this task more bearable. Only a callous fiend would oppose this humanitarian aid.”

“Finally, since voting is supposed to be by secret ballot, it is intrusive to inquire into the identities of persons helping others to register to vote,” Walker asserted. “Where these groups get their funding from or whether they could pass a totally irrelevant background check is nobody else’s business.”

Gov. Ron DeSantis (R) vowed an immediate appeal to the 11th Circuit Court, saying that “law-abiding citizens of America have a legitimate interest in election integrity. Insecure or corrupted procedures cancel out valid votes from citizens of every race. Our new law protects this interest. Judge Walker has neither facts nor law on his side.”

Graham Ups the Ante

By: John Semmens

Following up on his earlier demand that President Biden send assassins to kill Russian President Vladimir Putin, Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) went on “Fox and Friends” and called for “a broader net to be cast. It is shameful that our country is not unified behind the President in this time of war. Public figures who could and should be rallying the people behind his efforts to defeat Putin are going public with statements that sow doubt and distrust of his strategy.”

Admitting that he doesn’t yet have a comprehensive list, Graham named “Tucker Carlson, Tulsi Gabbard, and Donald Trump as highly visible targets whose elimination by US government agents would shock the American people into a sensible attitude toward the war.”

Graham dismissed fears of Russian retaliation as “implausible. Look, they can’t even subdue Ukraine. Russia is going to lose the war. Our jumping in on the winning side is the smart thing to do. We all need to be united on this idea. Everyone needs to know we mean business, especially Xi. Us taking out Putin and showing no mercy toward our own domestic traitors will send a fearsome message to the rest of the world.”

In related news, Sen. Robert Menendez (D-NJ) is urging President Biden to declare war on Ethiopia. “The genocide being carried out by the current regime needs to be stopped,” he demanded. “The detonation of a single low-yield nuclear device on that nation’s capital should do the trick. It would also serve as a clear warning to Russia that they could be next if they don’t withdraw from Ukraine.” Menendez called his idea “a lower risk path to world domination than the lame-brained ideas of Sen. Graham.”

Congress Boosts Expense Account by 21%

By: John Semmens

Citing the year-over-year inflation rate of 8% posted this past February, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) sought to reassure everyone that “their government would be taken care of” as she announced “an additional $134 million has been put at our disposal to ensure that our work is not impeded by rising prices.”

“I know that a lot of Americans have been concerned about how hard inflation will hit it’s elected representatives,” the Speaker said. “They need not worry that we won’t be prepared to weather the storm. The added $134 million is an increase of 21% over last year. Unless prices skyrocket we should have money to spare. But if we don’t, there is a broad consensus across both Parties that additional funds can be appropriated.”

In related news, Pelosi acknowledged that “we are looking into whether to enact a supplemental appropriation to set aside compensation for Americans sanctioned by Putin in retaliation for the sanctions imposed by President Biden on Russians for the war in Ukraine. So far, Biden, his son Hunter, Hillary Clinton, Secretary of State Antony Blinken, Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Mark Milley and White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki have been hit with sanctions imposed by Putin. All of them stand to lose a substantial portion of the income they derive from their Russian business interests. This is an outrage that the American people won’t stand for. The government must be ready to make up for their losses.”

It’s UnAmerican to Blame Biden

By: John Semmens

Rep. Kim Schrier (D-Wash) questioned the patriotism of those criticizing President Biden for the high price of gasoline, saying “it’s unAmerican to disagree with the President when there’s a war going on. Technically, we are not yet an acknowledged combatant in the Russia-Ukraine war, but that could change at any moment. The President says that rising gasoline prices are Putin’s fault. I think it is every American’s duty to not contradict him. Doing so gives aid and comfort to the enemy, which is called treason in the US Constitution—a crime punishable by death.”

Schrier cited the prosperity of the Trump Years as a “confounding factor. People got used to low prices and a robust economy where shoppers encountered fully stocked shelves. They came to think of this as normal. This nurtured a mentality where the notion that working for a living and buying whatever you wanted was considered a birth-right. Joe Biden was elected to change this. The new reality is that we can no longer afford this way of life.”

“Government must act to constrain America’s lifestyle,” she argued. “Earning money cannot be considered a carte blanche to spend it however you wish. It is government’s responsibility to determine what each person will be allowed to have. In most instances, this will mean having less. The President took executive action to initiate this transformation of how we live as soon as he was sworn in. One of the first things he did was cancel the Keystone Pipeline. This saved us from being inundated with nearly 900,000 gallons of oil per day. He also restricted new oil drilling leases. Naturally, these actions increased the price of gasoline. But unlike the price increases necessitated by Putin’s war, these were virtuous price increases for a good cause and people should joyfully pay them.”

Fauci Says More Lockdowns May Be Needed

By: John Semmens

The world’s foremost expert on covid warned that “a reinstitution of lockdowns and restrictions to fight covid may be necessary. To be honest, the pandemic is as bad as it ever was. The latest abandonment of restrictions by so many jurisdictions must be seen as temporary. An impatient American public must be placated between now and November in order to prevent the election of dissidents who will totally oppose the dramatic curtailments of freedom that are crucial to defeating the virus.”

“I ask people to take note of what China is doing as we are loosening mask mandates, vaccine passports, and censorship of misinformation,” the Doctor begged. “In China, whole cities are being locked down. Citizens are being forcibly vaccinated, and travel scaled back. China invented covid. They are the ultimate experts on this disease. If they are cracking down on personal freedoms how can we afford to take a different course?”

“I’m glad to see that the President’s new covid coordinator Dr. Ashish Jha has his head screwed on right,” Fauci observed. “He has endorsed vaccine passports as a necessary element of life going forward. It’s the only way we can ensure the appropriate differentiation between those who deserve access to the amenities society has to offer and those who don’t. People who have obeyed the command to get vaccinated need to be protected from those who haven’t. I think Dr. Jha will play a key role in seeing that this distinction is enforced.”

Fauci went on to commend New York City Mayor Eric Adams “for standing fast on the requirement for players on the Mets and Yankees to be vaccinated against covid if they want to play in City-owed ballparks. The success of the policy blocking Kyrie Irving from playing in home games at the Brooklyn Nets’ arena needs to be replicated across America. Sadly, the city authorities elsewhere don’t have the courage to make a similar stand for public health. Mayor Adams is a model for how government ought to work in a crisis.”

Biden Energy Policy Explained

By: John Semmens

With many in Congress urging a u-turn from President Biden’s extraordinarily costly energy policy, the Administration has opted for seeking foreign sources to diminish the impact of boycotting Russian petroleum supplies. The heaviest efforts are focused on Venezuela and Iran as the favored options.

Sen. Marco Rubio (R-Fla) lambasted the idea of looking to Venezuela as a solution to America’s energy needs, pointing out that “relying on the cruel dictatorship running that country is a mistake. First, Venezuela is ideologically aligned with Russia. The notion that any negotiations with them could produce an acceptable resolution is far-fetched. Even if a deal is reached any money we pay will strengthen Maduro’s tyranny. Is aiding tyranny in our hemisphere a rational price to pay for efforts to deter tyranny in Ukraine?”

Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Tex) challenged the belief that buying oil from Iran could be a good alternative. “Iran is the world’s foremost sponsor of terrorism. It is an implacable enemy of the United States and Western Civilization. We should be starving them of resources that could be used for their evil plans. The best way to do this is to undo the energy suppression actions taken by President Biden during his first month in office. I have introduced legislation to repeal those actions.”

Press Secretary Jen Psaki made an effort to rebut these GOP initiated objections to the President’s policies, saying “the President is taking a long-term approach to the energy question. Of necessity, this requires pain and sacrifice be endured by every American. It is absolutely essential that the US energy industry be throttled down. It poses the greater long-term threat to the environment that any temporary purchases we may make from Venezuela or Iran. Addressing this threat takes priority over everything else.”

“Though providing funds to these unfriendly regimes will have some undesirable consequences, the President deems these consequences as more tolerable than the alternative,” the Secretary explained. “Likely as the money flowing to Iran would bankroll terrorist attacks in our country, the thousands of lives that could be lost are dwarfed by the millions or billions of lives that climate change would claim.”

“Finally, it will be easier to stop buying oil from foreign sources after the Ukraine crisis is over than it would be to reverse the kind of expansion in domestic production Sen. Cruz is pushing,” she added. “An economically robust domestic energy sector would pose a more serious threat to the election of Democrats needed to ensure that the transition to green energy remains on track. Meanwhile, Russia, Iran and Venezuela would be stuck with the obsolete infrastructure of fossil-fueled economies. It is a win-win scenario for America.”

Sen. Dick Durbin (D-IL) defended Biden’s policy by pointing out that “relying on domestic energy production would still let these companies profit from exploiting the consumers’ need for their product. Buying oil from Iran and Venezuela circumvents this pernicious practice. Any profiteering that occurs would be at the hands of foreigners. Our hands would be clean.”