Trump Visit to Louisiana Disaster Area Panned by Dems

By    John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnGOP presidential candidate Donald Trump’s visit to flood ravaged areas of Louisiana was panned by Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest as “a virtual usurpation of President Obama’s prerogative. Everyone knows that it is the President’s right to visit and comfort the afflicted. That a non-office holder like Trump would ignore this right demonstrates a dangerous overreach.”

Earnest contrasted Trump’s unauthorized visit with President Obama’s 2012 visit to hurricane damaged New Jersey, which he characterized as “in line with the accepted protocols of such events. As we saw then, Republican Governor Christie welcomed the President’s attention. In Louisiana, though, Governor Edwards has denounced Trump’s invasion of his state as a ‘photo op.’” Edwards is a Democrat.

The Clinton campaign expressed similarly derogatory comments. “Showing up when the President has declined to interrupt his well-deserved vacation is disrespectful,” complained Clinton campaign manager Robbie Mook. “It’s this kind of stunt that has Trump trailing in the polls and will lead to his defeat in November.”

Mook boasted that “Hillary is devoting her full attention to saving the country from this unfit poseur. While Trump is wasting his time helping unload relief supplies—work that could easily be done by anyone with brute strength—our candidate is resting up before two major fund-raising events this coming week, one hosted by mega-star Cher in Miami Beach. The ability to extract money from big donors is a skill far more critical to winning elections and governing this nation than Trump’s simulated sympathy for the victims of a natural disaster caused by global warming.”

Hillary for America Communications Adviser and Senior Spokesperson Karen Finney called Trump’s Louisiana toting escapade “implicitly sexist. Lifting boxes of food and medical supplies unfairly exploits a male’s superior physical strength and subtly conveys the message that a female is too weak to govern. Can America afford to elect a president who would stoop so low in a desperate grab for votes?”

New Email Scandal Excuses Tested

Faced with the difficulty of persuading a skeptical public that the “extraordinarily careless” characterization of her email practices by FBI Director James Comey is significantly different from the legally culpable “gross negligence” standard, the Clinton campaign is field testing a couple of new excuses.

First out of the block was the disclosure that neither Secretary Clinton nor any of her many aides (including Cheryl Mills, Huma Abedin, Jake Sullivan, Dennis Cheng, Anne Marie Slaughter, Phillippe Reines, Caitlin Klevorick, and Kris Bladerston) embroiled in the scandal completed the mandatory ethics training required for federal employees.

Clinton Campaign Manager Robbie Mook pointed out that “any confusion, missteps, or technical violations of the law can’t be held against Secretary Clinton or her staff if they were never given the proper training. You can hardly blame the Secretary’s loyal staffers for following her wishes regarding her off-site email server. Neither can we blame Hillary who previously had very limited exposure to classified communications.”

The real culprit according to Mook was “former Secretary of State Colin Powell. It was this Bush appointee who advised incoming Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to use her own private email for all her important communications. It was Powell who told her that the only way she could ensure control over access to her email was to take it off-site. Otherwise it would be out of her hands. And as we have seen from the fuss made over the emails Hillary did turn over to the State Department, we can only wonder how much worse it could’ve been if she hadn’t had the opportunity to delete 30,000 personal emails.”

CAIR Criticizes Trump’s “Extreme Vetting” Proposal

The Council on American–Islamic Relations (CAIR) sharply criticized GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump’s promise to exercise “extreme vetting” of immigrants from terror-plagued regions of the world, calling it “unconstitutional.”

CAIR spokesman Iman Aswad declared that “Trump’s vetting would interfere with the free exercise of our religion. Islam is not like Christianity or Judaism. Our faithful are bound to fight against unbelievers. Trump’s idea that the government can screen out those who are committed to this fight discriminates against one, and only one religion: Islam. As such it is unconstitutional under American law.”

It is also impermissible under sharia law,” Aswad added. “As stated in the Quran, all the world is for Allah. Any country’s secular laws that refuse to acknowledge this higher law are not binding. People like Trump only prolong the conflict and postpone the day when all can live in peace as members of one united umma. American voters who want this peace must not accept Trump as their president.”

Aswad rejected Trump’s plan to consult with moderate Muslims, calling it “an ignorant outsider’s view of Islam. There is no ‘moderate Islam.’ There is no ‘radical Islam.’ There is only Islam. The inclusion of heretics and infidels on his vetting commission does not correct the deficiencies of his proposed intrusion into our religious beliefs. Only true Muslims can be the judges of Islam. The best that non-Muslims can do short of converting is to submit and obey the laws laid down by the Caliphate.”

In related news, Democratic vice-presidential candidate Sen. Tim Kaine suggested that women’s rights in Muslim countries are better protected than they are in the United States. “In America it took more than a century for women to get the right to vote,” Kaine observed. “Even today fewer than 20% of the members of Congress are women.” According to Kaine this compares unfavorably with countries like Afghanistan and Iraq. “Those who claim that women would be worse off under a Muslim regime are distorting the facts,” he said.

Rapist Not Necessarily a Bad Guy

Writing for Wonkette, Rebecca Schoenkopf expressed her opinion that Bill Clinton probably did rape Juanita Broaddrick back in 1978, but that this doesn’t necessarily make him an “evil person.”

Let’s look at the facts of that particular case,” Schoenkopf argued. “First, Bill showed he cared by advising Juanita to put some ice on her lip that he bit. Second, he called her later to apologize. This is a level of concern that most rapists don’t show. Third, while there has been a string of alleged improprieties involving indecent exposure, molestation, and sexual indiscretions since then there haven’t been anymore rapes.”

Against this inappropriate abuse of women we need to weigh the good he has done for America,” Schoenkopf insisted. “He served two successful terms as president. He introduced his wonderful wife Hillary to a nation starved for genuine female heroes. He raised his family out of bankruptcy after leaving the White House via a series of fabulous speeches and crafty business deals that built the Clinton Foundation into a multimillion dollar charity juggernaut. So, I think the pluses outweigh the minuses.”

Schoenkopf said she trusts Bill Clinton’s promise “to cease his pay-for-play efforts if Hillary is elected by stepping down from his job as head of the Clinton Foundation. The media spotlight on the first female president will be too bright for any of that type of skulduggery to go unnoticed. And I think Bill is too decrepit to woo any interns inside the White House. Any shenanigans would, I’m sure, involve professional women and take place in more discreet locations.”

In related news, a new NBC News|SurveyMonkey Weekly Election Tracking poll found that only 12% of Democrats see their Party’s presidential candidate as honest and trustworthy. Clinton supporter Gov. Maggie Hassan (D) brushed this finding aside saying that “choosing a dishonest person over an unfit person should be an easy one for voters to make. Isn’t a liar who can get the job done preferable to a politically inexperienced naif?”

Trump’s Pitch to Black Americans Called Flawed

GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump’s bid for Black votes was labeled “flawed” by his critics. In a speech in Wisconsin this week Trump maintained that Democratic policies have worsened the plight of minorities. This view was assailed by Democrats and their media supporters.

Trump’s contention that minorities are the foremost victims of the breakdown in law and order doesn’t excuse his failure to reach out to the Black Lives Matter group,” contended CNN talking head Carol Costello. “By refusing to bring BLM inside the tent he leaves them no option but to burn down neighborhoods, beat white folks, and agitate against police repression. This man’s election would undo all that President Obama has done to empower the minority community. Hillary Clinton, on the other hand, has made BLM’s interests a guiding light for her future policies toward the minority community.”

Trump’s notion that he can win a significant share of the minority vote is absurd,” Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton declared. “Democrats are the champions of all the government programs that have sustained the minority segment of our population for generations. Democrats have built public housing. Democrats have ensured that their access to abortion will be unconstrained. Democrats have put food on their tables. Democrats are the ones who take their grievances against the police seriously.”

Steve Bannon, Chief Executive of Trump’s presidential campaign, defended his man by assailing “the ‘plantation mentality’ of the Democrat’s claim that they own the minority vote. The welfare programs they boast of creating have destroyed the minority community in our inner cities. By subsidizing unwed motherhood the Democrats have undermined minority families. Democrats’ unstinting support for abortion has ensured that more Blacks die from this than die from America’s leading killer—heart disease. Democrats’ job-destroying economic policies have left fewer opportunities for minorities to earn an honest living. Democrat-created public housing ghettos have become high-crime neighborhoods that terrorize and claim the lives of too many in the minority community.”

Donald Trump wants to get past the Democrats’ propaganda and bring real solutions to the suffering that has gone on too long,” Bannon continued. “This means bypassing the Democrats’ pandering to radical hate groups like Black Lives Matter. He doesn’t deny that wrongful police shootings have occurred, but riots targeting innocent bystanders solve nothing. He offers policies that make a self-sustaining life a more realistic possibility for all Americans. He offers support for the law enforcement that defends the rights of all to peacefully pursue happiness. He thinks that a government that respects all persons is the ‘hand-up’ that will improve lives more effectively than the ‘hand-outs’ that have been the core Democrat policy.”

In related news, Democratic vice-presidential candidate Sen. Tim Kaine told a group of Black Baptists in New Orleans that “the 400 years of repression of Blacks in this country must be balanced by a period of repression of whites if we are to achieve true equity between the races.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

McCain Assails Trump’s Crediting Obama and Clinton for Rise of ISIS

By   John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnArizona’s U.S. Senator John McCain (R) took issue with GOP presidential nominee Donald Trump’s statement that President Obama and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton were co-founders of ISIS.

“President Obama may have given the final decision to back these guys based on Secretary Clinton’s recommendation, but I was the one on the ground in Syria who met with them before they were big,” McCain pointed out. “Were it not for my preliminary work the later steps taken by Obama and Clinton wouldn’t have been possible. So, I think it’s only fair that I receive some recognition for the historic rise of this group.”

To further bolster his claim McCain boasted of his continued links to the terrorist group. “We still talk frequently by phone,” he said. “Sure there’s a lot of ‘death to America’ rhetoric coming from them, but there also is some constructive two-way dialog. I think I’m gaining their trust and can serve as a bridge to a mutually satisfactory accommodation of our differing interests.”

Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest contested McCain’s claims. “Senator McCain’s schmoozing with the forerunners of ISIL played no role in the president’s decision to arm this group to fight against Syrian dictator Assad,” Earnest contended. “Neither did it influence the plan jointly conceived by Secretary Clinton and Ambassador Stevens to ship them weapons through Libya.”

Earnest asserted that “emails from the cache of Secretary Clinton’s deleted files confirm that the major actors who convinced the president on this matter were Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, Susan Rice and Samantha Power. This is not to say that Senator McCain wasn’t trying to play a role, only that his role did not affect the president’s decision to take action. The bottom line is that the Senator is not as important as he imagines.”

Meanwhile, Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ken) called for Hillary Clinton to be indicted for lying to Congress about secret arms shipments to Islamic terrorists. “In 2013 Secretary Clinton gave sworn testimony denying any knowledge of arms shipments to Al Qaeda rebels opposing the Assad regime in Syria,” Paul remembered. “Now we see that she was privy to emails detailing this very transaction. Lying under oath is perjury. Her claimed ‘brain short-circuit’ is not exculpatory.”

In related news, one of Hillary’s unsecured emails exposed the identity of an Iranian nuclear scientist, Shahram Amiri, who had been covertly assisting US intelligence to gather information about Iran’s nuclear weapons program. Hillary’s emails were cited by the Iranian government in their case against him. Amiri was executed last week. Clinton campaign manager maintained that “in the grand scheme of things this is not a big deal. The fact of the matter is that Amiri was a traitor to his country. Traitors ought to be executed. Whether Secretary Clinton’s emails played a role in this outcome or not justice was still served.”

More Top Democrats’ Emails Hacked

The recent release of emails hacked from the Democratic National Committee may be only the tip of an ice berg of embarrassing revelations of secrets Party big shots wish would have stayed hidden. The FBI estimates that the email accounts of more than 100 top Party officials may have been compromised.

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) called the breach “as dangerous a threat to America as the Watergate scandal. The privacy of the leaders of the Democratic Party has been severely damaged.”

Earlier disclosures from the DNC hack showed unseemly behavior by officials to rig the primary election in favor of Hillary Clinton. This included collusion between the DNC and various media outlets to slant news and polls against her main rival Sen. Bernie Sanders, not to mention racially and sexually derogatory language.

“The people ruling this country need to be able to communicate frankly with each other without having to fear that their every word will be scrutinized,” Pelosi argued. “Sometimes we have to do things for the common good that those on the outside might interpret as unfair. Sometimes in the heat of the moment we might use words that others could find offensive. Rather than prying into our private thoughts the American public needs to have faith that Democrats will look out for their interests.”

In related news, former CBS anchorman Dan Rather called upon his media pals to “shame Trump supporters. This is not an ordinary election. If Donald Trump wins our entire way of life will be upended.” Rather urged the industry to “follow my example. I went out on a limb to try to save the country from George Bush. It cost me my career, but at least I did the right thing. We newsmen all need to heed the call of New York Times columnist Jim Rutenberg and not let an ill-considered respect for objectivity, truth, or fairness obstruct our higher obligation to turn back the most serious threat this nation has ever faced.”

Muslims Test Intimidation Tactic

Parishioners of St. Andrew Orthodox Church in Riverside California have been treated to shouts of “Allahu Akbar” from bullhorn wielding Muslims during weekly services. Inasmuch as  Allahu Akbar is what Islamic fanatics shout while murdering unbelievers, the church goers are understandably concerned.

Father Josiah Trenham called the shouted slogan “intimidating. We’re trying to hold weekly services. The noise is disruptive and one fears worse. Will it be safe to leave church after the service? Will men with guns or bombs invade the church? What can we do to safely practice our faith.”

Local police officer Ryan Railsback held out little hope for church goers. “Being obnoxious is not illegal,” he observed. “There was no explicit threat. No laws were broken.”

City Attorney Vance Otiose urged tolerance. “Just because someone of a different faith behaves differently doesn’t mean they have no right to do so,” he declared. “Christians may be taught to turn the other cheek, but Muslims are taught to confront nonbelievers and fight to convert them. They have as much right to practice their faith as anyone else does.”

Surge in Guns Alarms Democrats

The number of Americans with concealed carry gun permits has surged by more than 200% since Obama became president. There are now more than 14 million authorized to carry concealed firearms.

Sen. Chris Murphy (D-Conn) called this trend “frightening in the extreme. We ought to be reducing the number of people carrying weapons, not increasing them. Reversing this trend has got to be a focal point for Democrats in this election cycle. Ideally, only police ought to be carrying firearms. Making sure the right person is elected president will be crucial to achieving this goal.”

The notion that an increase in concealed carry permits is a bad thing is confounded by a number of statistics. A study published by the Crime Prevention Research Center shows that concealed carry permit holders are more law-abiding than police. Among police, firearms violations occur at a rate of 16.5 per 100,000 officers. Among permit holders the rate is 2.4 per 100,000. Easier access to guns is also linked to lower crime rates. In states that allow concealed carry without a permit the murder rate was 31% lower and the violent crime rate was 28% lower than in states where obtaining a permit is the most difficult.

Murphy was unmoved by the data, though. “As I remember, the crime rates in the former Soviet Union, where only the police were allowed to have guns, was even lower than what was cited by the Crime Prevention Research Center,” the Senator recalled. “So, I think the case for total abolition of private ownership of guns is the stronger one.”

State Department Admits Ethics “Loophole”

Emerging evidence that the State Department under Hillary Clinton sold favors in exchange for donations to the Clinton Foundation has raised serious ethics issues regarding her oversight of the agency. Department Spokesperson Elizabeth Trudeau acknowledged that the transactions appear to have violated a pledge signed by Clinton when she assumed the Secretary position in 2009.

“The problem is that the only evidence of inappropriate interactions we have implicates her subordinates who did not sign any pledges,” Trudeau said. “Secretary Clinton’s pledge was to not be personally involved in dealings between the Clinton Foundation and clients of the State Department. Technically, this did not preclude other State Department officials from being involved. I know it seems like a ‘loophole,’ but there you have it.”

Despite a raft of suspicious interactions between funds flowing into the Clinton Foundation coinciding with favors granted by the Clinton State Department, US Attorney General Loretta Lynch rejected an FBI request to investigate saying that “now would not be an appropriate time to take up such a potentially volatile and controversial case. We are in the final months of a campaign to select the next president. The mere announcement of an investigation would cast an unfavorable light on one of the candidates and could bias the outcome.”

Lynch suggested that “the matter could be more objectively assessed after the election. For all we know, the next president might decide that the matter is not worth expending scarce resources and manpower on. Beginning an investigation now only to see it canceled latter would waste taxpayers’ money. So rather than starting down a dead-end road I think it more fiscally prudent to defer effort until the need for it is decided by our next president.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Obama Disputes Iran Ransom Claim

By  John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnPresident Obama disputed claims that a planeload of $400 million in cash sent to Iran was a payment for the release of four Americans held hostage by the regime. He dismissed the simultaneous arrival of the plane carrying the cash with the departure of the plane carrying the hostages as “coincidental.”

Brian Stelter of CNN cited this coincidence as “proof GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump’s claim to have seen a video of the exchange is delusional. I have it on good authority that the video of the so-called ransom payment doesn’t exist.” As it turns out, the “good authority” cited by Stelter is Democratic VP candidate Sen. Tim Kaine.

Stelter speculated on whether this “latest Trump gaffe will be the one that finally forces him out of the race. I mean, President Obama has denied it was a ransom. Secretary Kerry has denied it was a ransom. All of the major news outlets are denying it was a ransom. The accumulation of testimony from those in a position to know has got to reach critical mass at some point.”

That the payment might have been a ransom is not without supporting evidence. As reported by the BBC’s Hadi Nili, the Iranian government asserts that the $400 million in cash “was a partial payment for the release of these American criminals.” Then there is the statement of Saeed Abedini, one of the four hostages, that “our captors told us we would be held at the airport until the ransom was received.”

Press Secretary Josh Earnest characterized the incident as “an issue of semantics. We don’t see it as a case of paying ransom. If the Iranian government wishes to cast it in that light there’s nothing we can do about that. If it soothes their egos to imagine we have ransomed these hostages, so be it. They key thing to take away from this whole sequence of events is that Donald Trump is clearly in the wrong.”

EEOC Orders Employers to Crack Down on “Anti-Social” Political Views

The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission has ordered employers to crack down on employees daring to wear t-shirts or caps with the “Don’t Tread on Me” slogan. The slogan traces back to the American Revolution.

What may have been appropriate as an expression of resistance against British subjugation in 1776 is completely inappropriate today,” claims EEOC Chairwoman Jenny Yang. “Our government is a democratically elected government. It is not treading on anyone. From time to time our government may have to guide people toward correct thought and behavior. There is no individual right of resistance against this guidance. There is no right to slander the government be implying it is tyrannical.”

According to Yang, the burden of enforcing correct thought and behavior can be delegated to employers because “businesses chartered by the government and given permission to operate have an obligation to suppress anti-social attitudes before they fester into rebellion.”

Pope’s Contention that Islam Is Peaceful Takes Hit

Pope Francis’ belief that Islam is a religion of peace was expressly contradicted by Boko Haram leader Abu Masab Al-Barnawi this week in an interview published in Al-Naba Newspaper. The Islamic terrorist vowed “to kill every Christian and blow up every church until all are for Islam in Nigeria and the world.”

Al-Barnawi cited Christian charities as “the aggressors in this battle for men’s souls. They prey upon the victims of calamities, seducing them with food, shelter, and medical supplies. They insidiously tempt them with kindness and mercy to turn them away from Allah’s command to submit to Islam and fight against unbelievers.”

The ISIS magazine Dabiq also chimed in against the portrayal of its attacks as “senseless violence,” calling it a “smear by the enemies of Islam. We are not randomly killing people. We are targeting the unbelievers as the Quran bids us to do. The Pope can have his peace, but only after all Christians have submitted to Islam.”

One of the historical grievances gnawing at Dabiq’s editors was “the Christians’ efforts against slavery. The profit from selling slaves is one of the boons granted to Muslims by Allah. The West’s interference by suppressing this commerce unjustly deprived Muslims of rewards to which they are entitled.”

The Pope professed himself as “unmoved by the threats of violent Muslims. I remain confident that the vast majority of Muslims will not lift a hand against Christians. Even the minority that do only send our martyrs to heaven a little bit earlier than they might have otherwise arrived. Is that really such a bad thing? What are a few more years on Earth compared to an eternity with the Lord? By granting Christians the opportunity to suffer and die for their faith might not these terrorists actually be helping them follow the example Jesus set for all of us?”

In related news, a recently released email obtained by Wikileaks from the stash of emails hacked from former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s unsecured server revealed that Clinton created a secret and illegal alliance between the United States and al-Qaeda to assassinate Libyan strongman Muammar Gaddafi and distribute weapons to Middle Eastern terror groups. Clinton Campaign Manager Robbie Mook rebuffed the revelation as “old news. The email is from 2011. None of the actions taken then can be undone now. We must not let ourselves be diverted from the greater threat posed by the possibility that Donald Trump might seize power and take this country in the wrong direction.”

Hillary Latches onto Winning Issues

In a bid to boost her post-convention momentum, Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton latched onto two ideas her campaign believes will finally put her over the top.

One idea is to appoint outgoing President Obama to the first Supreme Court vacancy available. “One of the things that has got to be depressing a lot of Americans is the prospect of losing the talents of the most extraordinary man to have ever held the presidency,” Hillary observed. “While term limits may force him out of his current position the nation could retain his services for decades if we can get him on the Supreme Court.”

I think I can say with a high degree of confidence that there is no way my opponent would be able to promise to appoint President Obama to the Court,” she added. “So, every voter who would like to see Obama continue as one of the key lawmakers in our government knows what to do to make this happen.”

A second big idea is to raise taxes on the middle class. Hillary tried mentioning this idea in a speech in Iowa this week and received roars of approval from the crowd. Rally attendee Laqueena Leech heartily endorsed the idea. “The super rich will find a way to dodge taxes,’ she argued. “But a lot of those who call themselves middle class still have a lot more than they need. Getting them to share some of it with folks like me by providing free health care, free schooling, and other free stuff is a fair and practical way to redistribute the wealth of this country.”

It’s individuals like Ms. Leech who are the real backbone of the Democratic Party,” said campaign manager Robbie Mook. “If we can lock up that vote we’ll get the landslide mandate we need to create a whole new way of life for everyone in our society.”

Feds May Take Control of Elections

In response to GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump’s concerns that the November elections may be rigged, President Obama moved to assert an unprecedented federal role in the voting process. At the president’s direction, Homeland Security Jeh Johnson would be tasked with ensuring that “the process is protected from unwanted manipulation by unauthorized elements.”

A tainted election process would undermine faith in the legitimacy of the outcome,” Johnson pointed out. “It would be a threat more severe than a terrorist attack. I have been granted a wide latitude from President Obama to take whatever measures are necessary to ensure a valid result.”

One of the measures currently under discussion is a proposal by Rep. Karen Bass (D-Calif) to require Donald Trump to undergo a psychiatric evaluation to determine his eligibility to receive votes. “It should go without saying that any person aspiring to assume the presidency must be of sound mind,” Bass argued. “Verifying this before allowing a person to takeover the government is a ‘no brainer.’ The sooner Mr. Trump submits to such an evaluation, the sooner we can get this hurdle out of the way.”

A second measure Johnson is said to be working on is the recruitment of volunteers to man all polling places to ensure that no one is denied the opportunity to vote. “Anti-democratic elements throughout this country have schemed against allowing full minority participation by throwing up impediments aimed at deterring them from showing up at the polls,” Johnson maintained. “Supposedly neutral photo ID rules scare off voters who fear arrest for outstanding warrants or harassment for casting a ballot for a friend who couldn’t make it to the polls. Our volunteers will help discourage these barriers to full participation.”

Constitutionally, voting is a state government responsibility. However, President Obama has vowed “to not let out-dated rules prevent the actions needed to guarantee a fair outcome. We cannot afford to permit a misguided allegiance to a loathsome ‘states’ rights’ shibboleth stand in the way. Nor can we stand by and let an unfit person be handed the reins of government.”

In related news, investigative journalist James O’Keefe released an undercover video showing how easy it was for him to obtain a ballot while impersonating someone else at a polling station in Michigan. “I had no valid ID, yet was able by dint of a lame excuse sign a paper attesting to a false identity and be handed a ballot,” O’Keefe recounted.

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Obama Hails Economic Progress During His Administration

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnIn his speech at the Democratic Convention President Obama contended that “by so many measures, our country is stronger and more prosperous than it was when we started.” Unfortunately, a number of key statistics seem to contradict that assessment. There are 3 million more people in poverty. Household incomes for those in the bottom 20 percent declined. Nearly 9 million more individuals are receiving food stamps. And 14 million have left the workforce.

Press Secretary Josh Earnest insisted that “these statistics need to be properly interpreted. Before we leap to a hasty conclusion that the president’s policies have been ineffective let’s consider what has really taken place. A mere increase in the number of persons below the poverty line is not a clear indication that they suffering. In our country, people below the poverty line are provided with amenities—like air-conditioned apartments, cable TV, and cell phones—that even the so-called middle class in other countries lack.”

Why should we worry about earned incomes declining when the benefits offered by government are so generous?” Earnest asked. “Isn’t the fact that people get to consume more important than whether they can afford to pay for it? Isn’t the fact that more Americans are overweight than ever a sign that the increase in food stamps is a success? And don’t get me started on the millions who have left the workforce. Surely being able to live without having a job is a step forward in human civilization. The gains in leisure have got to far outstrip any assumed loss of dignity from becoming dependent on others.”

In related news, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) sought to explain polls showing low levels of support for Hillary among non-college educated men as “evidence of a failure to accept their logical role in the social collective. Men are endowed with greater physical strength than women. Those of them who have not proved their intellectual fitness to lead must expect to bear the burden of toil befitting their strength for the greater good of the whole. Of the two major party candidates only Hillary understands this and can be counted upon to take the steps needed to implement it.”

Democrats Accuse Trump of Treason

The Wikileaks release of 20,000 Democratic National Committee emails show how Party officials rigged the presidential primary campaign to favor Hillary Clinton over Sen Bernie Sanders (S-Vt) confirmed what many have suspected for the last six months. DNC Chair Rep. Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (Fla) was quick to initiate a narrative blaming Russia for hacking into the DNC’s server.

That a foreign government with a long-running enmity to America could so easily break into confidential computer files of the Democratic Party is a matter of serious concern,” she alleged. “The public exposure of our private communications could influence the outcome of the November election. Such an invasion into a political process that is none of their business will not be forgotten.”

GOP presidential nominee Donald Trump called Wasserman-Schultz’s concerns “belated and self-serving. As I recall, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was recently reprimanded by the FBI for ‘extraordinary carelessness’ in her handling of classified government information on a non-secure computer. The odds that that server was hacked are extremely high. Foreign governments and criminals could have gotten a hold of sensitive information that could be used to the detriment of this country.”

While professing no knowledge of who might have done the hacking, Trump suggested that “the Russians or whoever might be responsible should look for the 30,000 emails Hillary says she deleted.” Sen Claire McCaskill (D-Missouri) immediately labeled Trump’s suggestion “treason. Encouraging a foreign power to break into potentially classified communications violates the Logan Act.”

Trump Campaign Manager Paul Manafort called MacCaskill’s remarks “telling. According to Mrs. Clinton, the 30,000 missing emails were all of a personal nature and not part of the business of the State Department. That is how she justified deleting them despite her statutory obligation to turn over all her correspondence. Wouldn’t the publication of those emails by Russia or whoever may have them vindicate Hillary’s dubious contention?”

Clinton Campaign Manager Robbie Mook argued that “the exposure of personal emails could still be an embarrassment. As we have seen from the publication from the DNC hack, emails with derogatory, demeaning, and insensitive content could be just as damaging as actual security breeches. Anything that could contribute to undermining respect for a prospective commander-in-chief is, in my opinion, treasonous.”

Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) suggested that Trump’s remarks “disqualify him as a candidate. That he would side with hackers and encourage them to expose a great American’s ‘dirty laundry,’ so to speak raises genuine questions regarding his loyalty to this country. Even if he thinks Secretary Clinton is a rat, she is our rat. Coming together to support one another is every patriot’s obligation. Submerging our differences in pursuit of a unified collective whole is the sacrifice we all must make for the greater good.”

Reid went on to advise that Trump be given fake national security briefings in order to “keep the nation’s most precious secrets from this unworthy individual and to set him up for future campaign gaffes that will ensure his defeat in November.”

Rep. David Cicilline (D-RI) seconded Reid’s proposal in a letter to President Obama. “A mindless adherence to the tradition of briefing both major candidates must not be allowed to block a sensible tool for ensuring a favorable outcome at the ballot box,” Cicilline wrote.

In related news, the DNC issued a letter of apology to Sen. Sanders for “shafting you during the primaries,” but urged him to “shake it off. Many athletic contests are marred by errant calls by umpires or referees, but the results are never overturned.” Sanders was advised to “wait until ‘next season’ to mount a campaign to rectify this injustice.”

Clinton Campaign Disses Idea of Press Conferences

One tradition that has been notably absent from Hillary Clinton’s campaign for the presidency has been press conferences where the media are invited to query the candidate.

We’ll have a press conference when we want to have a press conference,” Clinton pollster Joel Benenson said on ABC News this past week. “Our candidate is under no legal obligation to answer to the press. We will control what is said to whom and when it will be said. We acknowledge that this may be inconvenient from the media’s perspective, but they’ll just have to bear with it.”

Benenson also pointed out that “it’s not like the media is going to switch sides over this. More than 90% of them are with us on the issues. In a way, the lack of press conferences let’s them off the hook. The effort they’d have to go to in order to appear even-handed has got to be stressful for them. By carefully controlling the exposition of our candidate’s message we can all arrive at our commonly agreed upon destination with a minimum of fuss.”

Trump Places Competence Ahead of Compassion

Vice-President Joe Biden explained the difference between a Clinton and a Trump administration in a raucous speech to the Democratic National Convention, contending that Trump’s catchphrase from his Apprentice reality show “’you’re fired,’ reveals a gaping existential chasm between Democrats and Republicans.”

Just because a person can’t handle a job doesn’t mean he doesn’t need that job,” Biden pointed out. “Yet, Trump would callously cast employees aside based merely upon performance. Is this the kind of man we want to place at the head of our government?”

In contrast, our nominee has the compassion to understand that competence is not the most important attribute we should seek from an employee,” Biden said. “The right frame of mind and the commitment to a shared social goal is far more valuable than whether an individual can get a job done. We can always add more employees if those we have on hand lack the skills needed to complete tasks.”

To those concerned that a “compassionate” approach might result in a bloated bureaucracy, Biden asked “would it really be better to cast the so-called ‘dead wood’ out into the street? We are a rich country. We can easily afford keeping loyal civil servants on the payroll. I shudder to think what might have become of me had a harsh demand for performance been applied to me. Democratic voters have spared me the ignominy of finding out. By electing Hillary voters will spare millions of government employees from finding out.”

Democratic VP nominee Urges Voters to Trust Hillary Clinton

Freshly nominated Democratic Party candidate for vice-president Sen Tim Kaine took up the delicate issue of whether voters could afford to trust running mate Hillary Clinton.

We’ve heard that her use of an insecure non-government computer server for her emails was too risky,” Kaine recounted. “We’ve heard that her neglect of security for the Benghazi Consulate was a dereliction of duty. We’ve heard FBI Director James Comey characterize her handling of classified information as ‘extraordinarily careless.’ We’ve seen that she lied on numerous occasions in efforts to conceal her illegal and dangerous behavior. However, I am asking voters to look past these mistakes and elect her president.”

Naturally, many will wonder how they can be expected to ignore these seemingly serious shortcomings,” Kaine said. “Well, let’s look at the biggest decision she’s had to make since sewing up the nomination. Out of all the people she could have chosen as her running mate, she chose me. The brilliance of this one decision should blow away all fear that she can’t be trusted to wisely govern. She had the integrity to bypass the obvious choice of naming rival Bernie Sanders as her VP. She had the guts not to latch on to the easy option of putting two-time VP Joe Biden on the ticket. She picked me. Since I know what a swell guy I am and what a great job I could do as president should the need arise, I am persuaded that voters can put their trust in her as president.”

John Kerry Reaches New Height of Idiocy

Secretary of State John Kerry reached a new height of idiocy this past week by suggesting air conditioners were just as dangerous as ISIS. The remarks came in Vienna where Kerry was representing the US in negotiations aimed at reducing emissions that contribute to global warming.

Granted, the terror attacks carried out by these misguided individuals are splashy,” Kerry observed. “Dozens die and even more are maimed and injured, but the fact is that these effects are small-scale and of limited duration and consequence. We easily overlook some of the offsetting benefits. The people killed cease to be carbon emitters. This has a salutary impact on global temperatures.”

In contrast, air-conditioning is much vaster in scope and impact,” Kerry explained. “It’s a habit too many people have fallen into out of a selfish pursuit of their own comfort. Breaking this cycle is of greater urgency than our efforts to mitigate terror attacks.”

Despite the professed greater threat posed by air conditioning, the Secretary brushed aside suggestions that AC units at the State Department be turned off as an example to others. “The comfort of those of us charged with the responsibility to lead this country cannot be sacrificed in a quixotic attempt to model exemplary behavior,” Kerry said. “Discomfort needs to be apportioned according to the importance, or lack thereof, of those being asked to endure it.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Obama Says Trump’s Perception of America Skewed

 By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnPresident Obama took issue with Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump’s portrayal of a country in crisis, calling it “dangerously skewed from reality.”

By highlighting a few incidents of terrorist attacks Mr. Trump overlooks the fact that only a small minority of people die at the hands of these misguided individuals,” Obama asserted. “The reality is that the vast majority of people in this country still die of old age. A more sensible approach was voiced by French Prime Minister Manuel Valls who calmly advised that we learn to live with these attacks.”

Trump’s call for ‘law and order’ undermines my Administration’s efforts to seek a more equitable balance in our penal system,” the President complained. “His narrow focus on apprehending and punishing perpetrators of crimes would have a racially disparate impact on minorities. It completely ignores the crimes committed against Blacks during slavery that went unpunished and lets the descendants of those criminals escape retribution. Ideally, this retribution should come from the government, but can we really blame those tired of waiting for the government to take action?”

Then there’s all his harping about the suffering of the middle class,” Obama added. “The middle class doesn’t appreciate how good they have it. Most of the people around the world have far worse lives. They live in ramshackle buildings, often have too little to eat, and live under corrupt dictators. Opening our borders to them is an act of compassion and social justice. Sharing in the wealth that our country has been blessed with is their human right. Those who vote for Trump will be voting to deny them this right.”

Fortunately, voters will have an opportunity to continue the progress I have made during my time in office by electing Secretary Hillary Clinton this November,” the President urged. “Not only has she pledged to stay the course, there is also the very real possibility that she will enable me to carry on the revolution by appointing me to a seat on the Supreme Court. The journey doesn’t have to end. It can live beyond January if voters make the right choice this Fall.”

In related news, a release of 20,000 hacked emails from the Democratic National Committee by Wikileaks detailed how supposedly impartial Party officials worked to stifle Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders’ campaign against insider-favorite Hillary Clinton. DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz defended the biased process, arguing that “the fate of the nation is too important to leave to chance. We could not sit by idly and permit a nobody like Sanders to derail the most qualified person in our history from her destiny to rule America.”

Nearly Half of TSA Employees Cited for Misconduct

According to a report from the House Homeland Security Commission, nearly half of the TSA’s 60,000 employees have been cited for misconduct in recent years. The trend is not encouraging either. Citations have increased by 28% over the last two years. The top five offenses include unaccounted for absences, failure to follow instructions, improper screening & security, neglect of duty, and disruptive behavior.

TSA Administrator Peter Neffenger sought to downplay the issue by pointing out that “despite unmanned posts, inappropriate groping petty theft, and abusive behavior by our employees no flights have been hijacked on my watch.. To me, these glitches seem a tolerable price to pay for improved safety.”

Rep. Scott Perry (R-Pa), Chairman of the Subcommittee on Oversight and Management Efficiency, wasn’t totally reassured by Neffenger’s perspective. “Maybe we’ve just been lucky,” Perry suggested. “I recall a recent test showing a success rate of 95% for weapons escaping the TSA’s detection. There is little evidence to support the notion that the TSA is effective or necessary.”

LA Times Op Ed Says Hillary Win Only Way to Avert Coup

Fear that Trump might be elected president prompted hysteria from leftist loon James Kirchick in an op ed he wrote in this week’s LA Times. “If voters don’t put Hillary in the White House our only option may be a military coup against a President Trump,” Kirchick warns.

Kirchick contends that such a first ever violent overthrow of an election outcome in this country “would be defensive in nature. Trump is outside the mainstream of the governing coalition that has run this country for the last 25 years. Even if he wins a majority of votes his ascension to office could be construed as a coup itself. Undoing his coup would restore the country to normalcy.”

The foresight of President Obama in purging the military of disloyal elements over the last seven years has laid the groundwork for this fail-safe option should voters make the disastrous decision to hand power over to a madman like Trump,” Kirchick gloated. “Polls may show that the majority of the rank-and-file troops lean toward Trump, but the men who command them have been thoroughly vetted and can be counted on to rise to the occasion if events warrant it.”

Naturally, such an overt deviation from precedent would have to be a last resort,” Kirchick wrote. “Barring a sufficient number of legitimate votes to ensure her election, a more discreet covert manipulation of the ballots would be preferred. Nevertheless, the outcome is too crucial for us to shy away from any remedy.”

In related news, GQ writer Bethlehem Shoals tweeted that he “would like to beat Patricia Smith to death” after this mother of one of the Americans murdered in Benghazi spoke to the Republican convention. Shoals was incensed that Mrs. Smith blamed then Secretary of State Hillary Clinton for irresponsibly neglecting consulate security, callously obstructing rescue efforts, and lying to cover it up.

Miami Police Explain Shooting Unarmed Man

Charles Kinsey, a behavioral therapist trying to aid an autistic patient was shot by Miami police this week. In the incident, Kinsey was lying on the ground with is hands up. Nevertheless, he was still shot in the leg by one of the responding officers.

John Rivera, the President of the Dade County Police Benevolent Association attempted to explain this egregious example of unnecessary and excessive force, calling it “an unfortunate accident. First of all, the police received an anonymous tip that there was a suicidal man with a gun in that area. Right away, the responding officers are thinking ‘we have to shoot this guy before he kills himself or someone else.’ The situation was obviously tense.”

Then they saw Mr. Kinsey lying on the street with his hands up yelling something about a truck and ‘don’t shoot,’” Rivera said. “Fearing that Mr. Kinsey’s life was in danger, one of the officers shot at the other man and hit Mr. Kinsey. Bad as his aim was, the discharge of his weapon brought the confrontation to an end without loss of life.”

The fact that the “gun” held by the autistic man turned out to be a toy truck did not faze Rivera, who pointed out that “just last week a terrorist in France killed 80 people with a truck. So, I think we can all sympathize with the officer’s reactions here when he heard Mr. Kinsey say the word ‘truck.’ Luckily, his poor marksmanship probably prevented a worse outcome. Surely, dopey and inept are preferable to deadly.”

Federal Courts Dictate State Election Rules

In the past week the federal courts intervened in tthree cases to overrule state election laws. In Michigan U.S. District Judge Gershwin Drain voided a state law banning straight ticket voting. In Wisconsin, U.S. District Judge Lynn Adelman ordered state officials to accept voters’ signed affidavits in lieu of photo IDs. In Texas, the 5th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals voided a state law requiring voters to show any one of seven different photo IDs before being given a ballot at the polls.

In his ruling, Drain called the Michigan law “an unconscionable burden on voters. Jettisoning the convenience of making a single decision and requiring voters to enter a vote for each office imposes unwarranted toil and inconvenience on voters. It also has a disproportionate impact on less informed and less intelligent voters. Our democracy guarantees everyone the right to vote regardless of whether they understand what they’re doing.”

In her ruling, Adelman asserted that “showing up on election day is all that a state may require of someone seeking to exercise his right to vote. The claim that obtaining a photo ID is easy doesn’t mean that effort isn’t needed to get one. Mere laziness should not disqualify a person from casting a ballot.”

The U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals agreed with the Texas Democratic Party’s contention that requiring voters to identify themselves could discourage some from voting. “It’s supposed to be a secret ballot,” said Democratic Party lawyer Gerry Herbert. “Photo IDs pierce this guarantee and subject voters to unwelcome scrutiny. In a perfect world anyone who shows up at the polls should be given a ballot, no questions asked. This court ruling gets us one step closer to that goal.”

Herbert called the risk that some might fraudulently vote more than once “overblown. First, the individual payback for going to the effort to vote multiple times is vanishingly small. Second, are we sure that a person willing to make this effort is a bad thing? Enthusiasm and initiative ought to count for something. Major league baseball and American Idol allow multiple votes. Has the country been harmed by that?”

In related news, the U.S. Council of Muslim Organizations vowed “to register a million new Muslim voters to combat the candidacy of Donald Trump. Muslim rights to spread Islam to every corner of the Earth are at stake.” Spokesman Osama Abu Irshaid characterized voting as “the peaceful alternative to bombing unbelievers into submission.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Hillary Calls Trump ‘Divisive’ and ‘Unfit’

 By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnAmidst polls showing her lead over GOP rival Donald Trump dwindling, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton warned voters against “the most divisive and unfit candidate in our nation’s history.”

A key consideration from Clinton’s perspective is the fact that “Republican voters passed over 16 worthy representatives of the GOP brand and latched onto a man outside the mainstream of government. Trump hasn’t been a participant in any of the processes for governing a city, state, or nation. He has no record to run on.”

Hillary contrasted Trump’s lack of governing experience with her own “30-year career at the center of events at the state and national level. How can we trust a man who has never taken one step in the shoes of those of us who have governed to know what to do with the awesome power to rule?”

On top of his lack of the appropriate experience we have his naive approach to the issues of the day,” she continued. “At every turn he would divide us from each other. He demands we close our borders to those who desperately want to come to America. He would single out and oppress the religious beliefs and practices of those striving to fulfill the prescriptions of Islam. He would force ‘law and order’ on those who see themselves as victims of a moral code with which they disagree.”

The candidate also touted her recent “exoneration” by the FBI as another point of distinction from her opponent. “I have undergone the most thorough examination by our nation’s premier law enforcement agency and been found not-guilty,” she boasted. “The worst they could say about me was that I was extraordinarily careless with my emails. Millions of Americans have had difficulties with emails. Many have had their bank accounts drained and their identities stolen. I avoided these consequences. So, I think I’m doing better than average.”

In related news, Clinton reminded voters that “the president can use the IRS to punish political enemies. Do we really want to put this weapon in the hands of a person like Donald Trump?”

Congressman Calls “Law and Order” Unfair to Minorities

Rep. Jim Clyburn (D-SC) lambasted Trump’s claim to be the “law and order” candidate, calling it “a cruel and insensitive attempt to place the values of white Americans over those of us who are black. It is racism that forces blacks to commit crimes to support themselves and their families. The kind of enforcement that Trump would impose threatens the livelihoods of a significant segment of the minority community.”

Clyburn may have a point. According to data from the Bureau of Justice Statistics, blacks are responsible for the majority of robberies and murders in the 75 most populated U.S. counties. Clearly, heightened law enforcement would have a disparate effect on this segment of the population.

Ironically, minority police officers are more likely than white officers to use firearms in confrontations with suspects—a phenomenon that Clyburn asserts “shows that even brothers in uniform have been brainwashed to kill their own kind in obedience to the ‘law and order’ mantra. That it is this bad with a black man as president casts an ominous light over a potential Trump administration.”

Whether Clyburn’s charge that blacks are ill-served by law enforcement is dubious. Black criminals are a minority in the black population. The vast majority of their victims are other blacks. The number of blacks slain by police is a small fraction of the number of blacks murdered by black criminals. In an overwhelming majority of instances blacks who are shot by police were criminals engaged in attacks on the police.

Justice Inadvertently Boosts Trump Candidacy

This week Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg waded into the political domain and unintentionally bolstered the chances for Donald Trump to win the presidency. Calling him a “faker with a big ego,” the 83-year-old Justice threatened to move to New Zealand if Trump wins in November.

Alarmed that Ginsburg’s outburst could work in Trump’s favor, the Washington Post’s editors criticized “her abandonment of the veneer of judicial impartiality. The acceptance of the Court’s authority to strike down legislation enacted by the people’s representatives relies on a perception of unbiased application of basic legal and constitutional rules. Taking sides in an electoral contest undermines this perception.”

The editors of the New York Times concurred with those at the Post and expressed a fear that “Justice Ginsburg might have to recuse herself from any future cases in which Trump is a party. This would nullify a reliably liberal vote on the Court from deciding cases in a way that advances the progressive transformation underway since the Roosevelt Administration.”

Stung by this criticism from papers she considered “allies in the struggle for social justice,” Ginsburg says she regretted her remarks. “The only saving grace is that my ill-advised ‘burp’ will be lost in the cacophony of rhetoric and news going forward and will be forgotten before the next Court session convenes in October.”

Not all on the left were critical of Ginsburg’s efforts to sway the election outcome. Sen. Claire McCaskill (D-Mo) praised “Justice Ginsburg’s great courage. The idea that the courts ought to stay out of politics is an artifact of the Founders’ maniacal insistence on separation of powers. President Obama has managed to sidestep this antiquated notion by using Executive Orders to bypass congressional obstruction. The courts have done a wonderful job of neutralizing errant legislation by looking to a higher law than a 200-year-old piece of paper. It is essential that this momentum be continued. Electing Hillary is the best way to ensure that.”

AG Says Lying Under Oath “Could Be Okay”

During testimony before the House Judiciary Committee this week, Attorney General Loretta Lynch refused to make “a blanket condemnation of lying under oath.” The issue was raised by Rep. Jason Chaffetz (R-Utah) regarding former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s “continuously changing and inconsistent testimony on a number of issues before this Committee over several years.”

Lynch contended that “each case has to be examined on its individual merits. It depends on who is testifying and whether a more important objective than mere truth is at hand. There is an old saying that ‘a diplomat is a patriot sent abroad to lie for his country.’ Our Secretary of State is this nation’s head diplomat. I believe that a certain leeway needs to be granted to that person for the good of the country.”

I can see some leeway for lies told to foreign governments in order to protect America’s strategic interests,” Chaffetz acknowledged. “But is lying to Congress included? Is lying to cover up ‘extraordinary carelessness’ with classified information acceptable? Is lying about security deficiencies at Benghazi that led to the death of our ambassador okay with you?”

I’m not going to get into a debate about hypothetical scenarios,” Lynch replied. “As the nation’s chief law enforcement officer I use my judgment on whether to bring charges against anyone. It’s called prosecutorial discretion. Congress must use its own judgment and discretion to deploy the powers granted to it by the Constitution if and when it deems warranted by the circumstances of each case.”

Obama, Gingrich Grapple with Islamic Terror Issue

The Bastille Day attack that killed 80 and injured 200 in Nice, France sparked a passionate plea from former House Speaker Newt Gingrich for better security against Islamic terrorism.

Gingrich said he has “no problems with Muslims who respect the rights of others becoming American citizens and moving in next door, but followers of sharia who believe they have a right or duty to wage war on unbelievers have no place in our country. They ought to be deported.”

He also called for “greater scrutiny of what’s going on in Mosques in America. Many of them seem to serve as recruiting centers for would-be terrorists. Hateful doctrines are preached to incite attacks on innocent civilians like we have seen in France and in this country in Orlando and San Bernardino. On top of this, caches of weapons are frequently concealed on their premises.”

President Obama characterized Gingrich’s comments as “repugnant. There is no place in our country for such hostility toward the religious beliefs of others. No Muslim should have to fear that his beliefs will expose him to any greater scrutiny than any other religion. The right to practice one’s religion free from interference by government is guaranteed by the First Amendment.”

Gingrich remained uncowed by the president’s criticism. “I’ll tell you what’s repugnant,” he replied, “the president’s repeated refusal to defend the people of this nation from attacks carried out by fanatical Islamists. Despite the evidence from their own mouths, Obama professes himself mystified as to the motives of these killers. This is willful blindness or worse.”

No one in this country, not me, not Donald Trump, not the Republican Party, is making a case for preventing Muslims from praying or promulgating their beliefs in a peaceful manner,” Gingrich pointed out. “The president’s efforts to stigmatize opposition to murder as anti-Muslim prejudice is reprehensible. The right of every American to believe or not believe any religion is trampled by the violence carried out by Islamic terrorists. That is the First Amendment right that the government and the president have an obligation to defend. Thus far, Obama has fallen far short of fulfilling this duty.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

A Freefall by Trump Leads to Brokered Convention

Donald Trump is falling like a rock in the polls. If it’s a freefall, you can bet your bottom dollar there will be a wide open, free-wheeling, brokered convention. Rather than a coronation.

One poll already has Trump falling 12 points behind Mrs. Bill Clinton. Is this just temporary slippage? Or something far worse? Could it be the end for Trump’s candidacy?

One thing is for certain. Trump can’t sustain another descent this precipitous in the next couple weeks. He’d better rally and rally quick, or the Democrats will be the least of his worries. He may be unceremoniously dumped at the convention.

Republicans would be well within reason to pull the plug on a flagging, faltering nominee who shows no hope of winning in November.

If that is the case, Republicans will have another chance to get it right — seeing the light on the most qualified candidate since 1984: Sen. Ted Cruz.

Trump’s fundraising is also cause for serious concern, as reported by these headlines in the past few days:

Media freakout over Trump’s poor fundraising: How bad is the problem?

Donald Trump Apparently Has A Serious Fundraising Problem

Donald Trump’s Fundraising Problem — NYMag

 

Hillary Unfazed by Mounting Evidence of Email Crimes

By  John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnFormer Secretary of State Hillary Clinton brushed off new revelations that the 30,000 “personal” emails she deleted may have included official Department business as “nothing to concern the American people.”

A deleted email of particular note was a memo from her Deputy Chief of Staff Huma Abedin to Clinton’s State Department subordinates regarding problems caused by Clinton’s use of a private unsecured email server. The former secretary claimed to have “no knowledge of either the original email or its illegal deletion,” but offered a hypothesis suggesting that the IT specialist who set up the server “may be the guilty party.”

Earlier this week Bryan Pagliano, the man who set up my off-site email system ‘took the 5th‘ over 125 times during a 90-minute, closed-door deposition,” Clinton pointed out. “While not admissible in court, this is practically a confession. Rather than harassing me, wouldn’t it make more sense to pursue this ‘smoking gun?’”

Missing emails aren’t the only problem. Comparison of what Clinton attempted to pass off as undeleted official records with planning schedules assembled by the secretary’s aides show major discrepancies. Specifically, the names of more than 100 outsiders who were scheduled to meet with Clinton were scrubbed from her version of what she was doing. Most of the missing names turned out to be executives of firms that were seeking government favors and had donated to the Clinton Foundation.

Clinton campaign spokesman Nick Merrill maintains that “these discrepancies are no big deal. People need to understand that a secretary of state could have valid reasons for keeping selected meetings and communications secret. Instead of casting suspicions on a great American who has devoted her entire adult life to the difficult job of governing this country, the media and the voters ought to be showing more trust.”

In related news, Clinton warned Americans “not to get any ideas from the Brexit vote. I will not abide presiding over a ‘rump republic.’ Any state or states that imagine they might vote their way out of our North American Union should remember they won’t be dealing with a weakling like Cameron at the helm. I had no qualms about taking down Gaddafi and, like Lincoln, I will not hesitate to use every weapon at my disposal to preserve this Union.”

Illinois to Create Advisory Council of Muslims

A bill approved by the state Legislature creates a 21-member Illinois Muslim-American Advisory Council. Co-sponsor of the legislation Sen. Jacqueline Collins (D) hailed the measure as “a sensible way to ensure that the activities of state government have a chance to get Muslim buy-in at an early stage. A lot of what we do without thinking is offensive to the followers of Islam. Clearing policies and programs ahead of time will prevent Muslims from having to resort to violence after-the-fact as a means of expressing their displeasure.”

Republican Rep. Barbara Wheeler voted against the bill, calling it “a wrong turn down a dangerous road. We don’t have a Catholic Advisory Council or a Jewish Advisory Council. Making a special effort to set up a council for one particular religion strikes me as an inappropriate mingling of church and state.”

Collins labeled Wheeler’s views “short-sighted. If we mess up and pass policies that offend Catholics or Jews they’ll just take us to court or vote us out of office. If we mess up with Muslims we could end up getting killed. Muslim’s dedication to their faith is passionate. Many have no hesitation in martyring themselves to defend their beliefs. Unfortunately, this martyrdom usually entails suicidal attacks on unbelievers. Rather than let things get out of hand it is better to establish a mechanism to assuage their sensibilities before blood is shed.”

In related news, the US Department of Homeland Security announced plans to ban the use of the words “jihad” and “sharia” in its anti-terror campaign. Secretary Jeh Johnson said “the use of these foreign words conveys the wrong message and diverts our attention from the much larger threat from home-grown enemies. As nasty as the few attacks carried out by persons with some connection to Islam may be, there are millions of armed non-Muslims with anti-government views. Even worse, these right-wing zealots are the tip of an ice berg of tens of millions who oppose what we are trying to do for this country and who may overthrow us at the ballot box.”

Dems Stage Sit-in Against Guns

Democratic members of the House of Representatives staged a sit-in to publicize their quest for stricter gun controls. Distressed that the murder of 50 night club patrons by an Islamic terrorist in Florida has not sufficiently weakened GOP support for the Second Amendment, more than two dozen Democrats seized the House floor for more than a day, vowing to block House business until their demands are met.

Sit-in participant Rep. Mike Doyle (D-Pa) used the event to call for “a major revision of the Second Amendment, because Americans don’t agree with it and we’ve had it. The Amendment may have made sense when the average person needed a firearm to shoot dinner or resist the oppression of King George, but it’s clearly outdated today. We get our food from the supermarket and no one needs guns as protection against a government elected by the voters.”

Rep. John Lewis (D-Ga) brushed aside charges of hypocrisy among the well-guarded members of the government. “The average person is at low risk compared to us,” Lewis contended. “Poll after poll shows the members of Congress are held in very low esteem by the general population. If that population is armed we are all in grave danger. The people are many and we are few. We need the protection of armed bodyguards and a general disarmament of the rest of the population just to even things up.”

The claimed “reasonable” proposal to bar those on the government’s “no fly” list from obtaining firearms has some significant flaws. For one, the list is secret. Only the government knows who’s on it. Placing a person on the list is solely at the discretion of the government. Errors appear to be frequent. Awareness that one is on this list often comes unexpectedly as a person tries to board an airline. Getting off the list involves lengthy and expensive court proceedings. Chris Anders, senior legislative counsel at the ACLU, characterized the proposal as “unreasonable and unfair. It is akin to a ‘secret enemies list’ that can be used by the government to selectively deny the Constitutional rights of individuals it doesn’t like.”

Ironically, the trend in gun ownership is inversely related to the murder rate. In the 20-year period from 1993 to 2013 gun ownership rose by 54% while homicides committed with guns fell by 49% and the non-fatal injuries inflicted by armed criminals fell by 76%. However, according to sit-in protester, former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif), “these nonsensical numbers will never persuade me to accept private gun ownership as a normal or useful behavior in our modern society.”

Samaritan Billed for Aiding Injured Family

When Derrick DeAnda helped a family escape from their rolled-over car he was just trying to be a good Samaritan. He didn’t expect to be billed $143 by the late-arriving EMTs for “medical care.” “I didn’t need any ‘medical care,’” DeAnda said. “I had one small cut on one of my hands. The EMT gave me a band aid. I can’t see how that could possibly cost so much.”

The bill from Cosumnes Community Services District was described as “standard practice” by Cosumnes Deputy Chief Mike McLaughlin. “If you’re at the scene of an accident that we attend you’re going to be billed. The $143 assessed to Mr. DeAnda was the minimum charge. Whether he got a band-aid or not is irrelevant. As a verified participant at the site we have to extract a fair share of our costs from him.”

McLaughlin dismissed concerns that his agency’s billing policy might deter others from stopping to help. “First of all, no one knows in advance that they will be charged a share of the cost if they get involved,” he said. “Second, even if they did, most people are not mercenary enough to put such a possibility ahead of aiding an injured party. Finally, even if people were to refrain from assisting due to fear of the financial consequences it would further serve to bolster the case for a bigger allocation for us in next year’s budget.”

Senators Demand to Know Where Companies Keep Their Cash

Concerned that some of the nation’s resources may be out of their reach, Sens. Al Franken (D-Minn) and Chris Coons (D-Del) are demanding that “all businesses fully disclose where all their money is.”

As President Obama said when he was nominated for his second term, government is the only entity we all belong to,” Franken recalled. “It is every business’ and every individual’s duty to do the utmost to ensure the survival of this single unifying entity. At a minimum, this means making all of their financial resources known to the government so they may be appropriated if the need to do so arises.”

Franken professed to understand the need for privacy, but maintained that “it is one thing to insist on privacy from the prying eyes of business rivals. It is quite another to keep secrets from the government. Should we sit by and allow the government to default when we could save it by seizing the money businesses and individuals are hoarding? How could we justify letting the selfish interests of the private sector impede the collective obligation of all of us to support the government?”

In related news, President Obama averred that “entitlements are necessities of a 21st century economy” and that “we need to retool our laws to ensure that this vital cog in the machine is well-oiled. Knowing where all the money can be found is a crucial component of making this happen.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

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