ASU Cronkite Award withdrawn from Sexual Predator Charlie Rose

Charlie Rose was a lousy, biased left-stream reporter and that made him a good candidate for ASU’s Walter Cronkite Award. Finally the Arizona State University’s Walter Cronkite School of Journalism and Mass Communication recognized what an embarrassment Rose is to journalism and it’s taking back the award it gave to Rose two years. Variety reports:

TV journalist and talk show host Rose has been accused of sexually harassing several women and was fired by CBS. He apologized for ” inappropriate behavior” but said “I do not believe that all of these allegations are accurate.”

“The Cronkite School is rescinding the Walter Cronkite Award for Excellence in Journalism given to Charlie Rose in 2015,” the statement read.

“This unprecedented action is taken with the utmost seriousness and deliberation. We are not in the business of trying to rewrite history.

“When new information about a recipient surfaces, the question we ask is not whether the award would be given again with a new set of facts, but whether the transgressions are so egregious that they demand nothing less than a reversal of history.”

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Congressman Claims Constitutional Immunity

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnArnold Reed, attorney for Rep. John Conyers (D-Mich), asserted a claim of “constitutional immunity” in a bid to shield the congressman from charges that he wrongfully spent $27,000 in public monies to purchase the silence of a woman he is alleged to have sexually harassed.

“My client is no ordinary person,” Reed said. “He is a member of Congress. As such, he is entitled to privileges granted to such members by the Constitution. Among these privileges is immunity from arrest for any crimes save treason, felony, and breach of the peace. Even if true, the allegations made against him do not fit within these categories. Unwanted sexual advances are neither treasonous nor felonious. And paying hush money would seem to clearly constitute an effort to keep the peace rather than breach it.”

“Further, the Constitution makes Congress the sole judge of the behavior of its members,” Reed added. “In fulfillment of this responsibility, Congress established the Office Of Compliance (OOC) and has paid out $17 million over the past 20 years to induce victims to sign nondisclosure agreements to protect members of Congress from having damaging allegations be publicized. While not specifically part of the OOC process, my client’s payments were within the scope and in the same spirit of the OOC’s payments to persons victimized by other representatives and senators.”

“Finally, the Constitution gives Congress the authority to keep certain actions secret,” Reed observed. “Quite reasonably, this currently includes the payouts made by the OOC. It would be discriminatory for my client to be penalized for mirroring the OOC’s practices. Rep. Conyers is asserting his right to equal treatment under the rules of Congress and demanding that the same immunity from embarrassment that has been purchased for his peers by the OOC be extended to him.”

House colleague Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif) rallied to Conyers’ defense, calling him “a man of impeccable integrity on all of our issues. He didn’t do anything that most of the white boys in congress haven’t done. Singling him out like they’re doing is racist.”

In related news, Lois Lerner, Obama Administration’s director of the Exempt Organizations Unit of the Internal Revenue Service, who used her position to illegally discriminate against conservative organizations, is demanding that the testimony she gave in exchange for a grant of immunity be permanently withheld from the public, claiming that “if the full details of what we did to these people were to become widely known my personal safety would be threatened.” Lerner’s public plea for secrecy came in response to a lawsuit seeking civil damages being pursued by Citizens for Self Governance.

For Attempt to Record Bullying, Mother Is Charged with Felony

After numerous unanswered complaints to the bureaucrats running Ocean View Elementary school in Norfolk, Virginia regarding her daughter being bullied by other students, Sarah Sims put a digital recorder in her 9-year-old’s backpack. School authorities found the recorder and reported it to the police. Sims is now charged with “felony use of a device to intercept oral communication.”

Vice-Principal Rupert Petty explained that “covert recording is not a minor infraction. For one thing, surveillance is the exclusive prerogative of school authorities. Students and parents who take it upon themselves to usurp this prerogative demonstrate a disrespect for authority. We have a ‘no tolerance’ policy for this type of disobedience.”

Sims’ attorney Kristin Paulding characterized the school’s complaint as “an unreasonable abuse of their authority. Their apparent indifference to the bullying going on at the school prodded my client to take her own measures to try to protect her child. Having her charged with a felony that could mean jail time would further endanger her daughter. I can’t imagine that any sane judge or jury would convict her.”

“Whether Ms. Sims goes to jail or not is not our concern,” Petty responded. “The mere fear of going to jail combined with the expense and effort necessary to avoid a conviction ought to be sufficient to discourage other parents and students from launching similar challenges to the school’s way of doing things.”

GOP Tax Bill Gives Jersey Dem Pause

A provision in the Republican tax reform that would eliminate the itemized deduction for state and local income taxes has prompted New Jersey State Senate President Steve Sweeney (D) to reconsider his Party’s plan to raise the state income tax rate to 10.75 percent.

“While the new rate would only apply to those in the highest tax bracket the loss of the opportunity to deduct the taxes they pay to New Jersey from their federal tax liability could have significant negative impacts on the state,” Sweeney warned. “Without these federal deductions for state taxes the full burden for state spending will fall on our taxpayers alone. New Jersey voters’ willingness to bear this burden is in doubt.”

U.S. House Speaker Paul Ryan (R-Wis.) hailed Sweeney’s reluctance to raise New Jersey’s income tax rate, calling it “one of the intended outcomes of our bill. The federal deduction has encouraged state legislatures to boost tax rates and frivolous spending higher than they would otherwise dare to do. By eliminating the option of passing on some of the burdens of bigger government to residents of low-tax states we are leveling the playing field. If New Jersey voters want bigger government let them pay the full price of it by themselves.”

Rep. Peter King (R-NY) opposes eliminating the deduction contending that “the high-tax states have become accustomed to the subsidies from low-tax states that result from the current tax code. Withdrawing them will cause severe distress and force changes that those who govern the high-tax states would prefer not to have to deal with.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Senator Seeks Meeting with FBI Informant

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnA lawyer representing Sen. Diane Feinstein (Calif)–the top Democrat on the Senate Judiciary Committee–requested the opportunity to meet privately with former FBI informant, William Campbell. Campbell helped the FBI chronicle bribery, kickbacks and money laundering connected to the Uranium One scandal.

Victoria Toensing, Campbell’s attorney, agreed to meet, but questioned the time and location suggested by Feinstein’s lawyer, saying that “a midnight meeting at Fort Marcy Park strikes me as unusually inconvenient, probably unwise, and potentially dangerous.”

Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-Iowa), chairman of the Judiciary Committee, called Feinstein’s request “premature. Mr. Campbell will be testifying before the entire Committee. Every senator on the committee will have an opportunity to question him. If any senator has additional questions afterward a one-on-one meeting in a more conventional time and location can be arranged.”

In related news, Hillary Clinton insists that “any effort by the Department of Justice or Congress to investigate me is an abuse of power. All of the actions I took while Secretary of State are exempt because of a concept called ‘sovereign immunity.’ Namely, every agent of government is free to carry out his or her duties without interference and second-guessing by outsiders.” Clinton pointed out that “this isn’t the first time that my enemies have tried to drag me to court. But let me remind you that in so may instances fate has intervened to eliminate my accusers before any harm could be done.”

Update on Sexual Allegations Sweeping the Country

The rising tide of allegations of sexual harassment that swept through Hollywood is now inundating politics and moistening persons of varying ideological proclivities.
So far, eight women have accused Alabama Republican senatorial candidate Roy Moore of sexually inappropriate behavior dating back several decades. The most serious accusation alleging attempted rape was made by Beverly Young Nelson. The veracity of this allegation was cast into some doubt by Nelson’s own lawyer—Gloria Allred—who refused to attest to the validity of the signed high school yearbook offered in support of Nelson’s claim. As she told CNN’s Wolf Blitzer “I haven’t asked my client whether the ‘Roy Moore’ signature is genuine. Even if it is a forgery, though, that wouldn’t prove that he didn’t try to rape her.”

Moore has demanded that the yearbook be examined by an independent handwriting expert to assess whether it is or isn’t a forgery. To date, Allred has declined to submit the book for forensic examination, insisting that “the time isn’t yet ripe for such a step. My client’s credibility shouldn’t be held hostage to the admittedly imperfect art of handwriting analysis.”

While a number of leading Republicans have asserted that Moore must give up his run for the Senate because of the allegations, sexual abuse allegations against sitting Sen. Al Franken (D-Minn) have inspired only a call for an “ethics” investigation from Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. “Sen. Franken is already a colleague and, as such, is entitled to certain privileges and immunities,” McConnell contended. “We need hard evidence before we jump the gun on him.”

Interestingly, there is a photo of Franken fondling the breasts of his accuser while she slept. Kasie Hunt, the Capitol Hill correspondent for NBC News, brushed aside the photo evidence saying that “since the woman was asleep I can’t see that any real harm was done to her. I mean. Franken is well known for his crude sense of humor. Leeann is only degrading herself by bringing this up after so many years have passed.”

Meanwhile, Rep. Jackie Speier (D-Calif) revealed that Congress has a slush fund that has paid out $15 million over the last 20 years to “hush up incidents of harassment and abuse carried out by members of congress. The ironically named Office of Compliance (OOC) essentially protects the offenders by forcing victims to sign nondisclosure agreements as a condition of getting a settlement. Leadership’s notion that mandating sexual harassment training for all lawmakers and staff will solve the problem is ludicrous. Congress is purportedly the elite of our democratic society. How could any member not already know that fondling, groping, intimidating, or sexually assaulting is wrong?”

In related news, disgraced former purveyor of fake news Dan Rather absolved former President Bill Clinton from “any blame that might attach to his alleged improper behavior. Even if he did rape Broadderick, so much time has passed that she is a hideous old woman now. She is not the kind of person that a man of sophistication and taste like President Clinton could be seriously suspected of assaulting.”

Dems Introduce Articles of Impeachment

This week Rep. Steve Cohen (D-TN) introduced Articles of Impeachment against President Donald Trump, saying that “this usurper must be held accountable for his high crimes and misdemeanors before he drags the country into the hellish tyranny he has designed for America.” The list of offenses includes…

“On election night in 2016, rather than gracefully and rightly conceding to the winner of the popular vote, Donald Trump exploited a the loophole of the Electoral College to unfairly declare himself president,” Cohen charged. “Millions were summarily disenfranchised. Women and minorities were especially hard hit.”

“He continues to steadfastly refuse to release his income tax returns, relying on the so-called legal right to privacy that the IRS law allows to every taxpayer,” Cohen complained. “Privacy is a bourgeois conceit that has no rightful place in a socially progressive society. It is not up to the individual to decide what is to be private. That is a decision belonging to the government.”

“In defiance of the norms under which members of government obtain wealth by trading on their positions of power, Trump continues to hold an ownership share in capitalistic enterprises that reap their profits from offering services for which customers voluntarily pay,” Cohen revealed. “This raises a ‘red flag’ that suggests he cannot be trusted to act in the best interests of the governing class.”

“And just last week he couldn’t give a speech without pausing in the middle to drink from a bottle of water,” Cohen said. “No other president has ever done this. Is he merely uncouth? Or does he have a serious medical problem? Either way his fitness to hold the office must be questioned.”

“Finally, he has cast aspersions on the media, repeatedly referring to it as ‘fake news,’ thus undermining the credibility of our nation’s foremost arbiters of truth,” Cohen concluded. “Thomas Jefferson warned us against this threat to our freedoms. Those who question the media strike at the very heart of our constitutional guarantee of freedom of the press. If the people lose faith in the media they will be set adrift in a sea of cacophonic and disparate opinion with no reliable guide to correct thought.”

In related news, Attorney General Jeff Sessions told the House judiciary committee that “there is not enough evidence to support a special counsel to investigate Hillary Clinton.” He differentiated Clinton’s situation from that of President Trump by pointing out “in the case of Trump and the Russians there was the GPS Fusion dossier that provided a sound foundation of evidence for appointing Mueller to probe further. There is no similar dossier on Mrs. Clinton.”

Socialist Students Reject Food Drive Challenge

At Kent State University in Ohio, two left-wing student clubs—the Young Democratic Socialists of America (YDSA) and the Socialist Collective (SC)–rejected a challenge from Young Americans for Liberty (YAL) and Turning Point USA (TPUSA) to see which organization could gather the most food for poor people in a campus-wide canned food drive.

YDSA chapter co-chair, Ethan Comeriato, explained “While in the short run the food drive would benefit the public our participation would detract from our long-term goal of helping the poor through socialism. The flaw in all charitable giving is that the giver has the option to refuse. In the progressive America toward which we are working the option to refuse will be replaced by government control of all resources. Rather than having to rely on individual generosity to care for the less well off, government experts will dole out the necessities of life for the collective benefit of all.”

Comeriato also labeled the challenge “a capitalistic trick aimed at supporting the false consciousness of individualism. By making the collection of food a competition it obscures the reality that the poor have every right to seize the food they need from those who have a surplus. This is a dangerous idea spewed by dangerous organizations. If the challenge entailed breaking into the homes of the rich and confiscating food for distribution to the poor we’d be all-in.”

YAL chapter president, Kevin Cline, expressed his disappointment of the rebuff, saying “the purpose of our challenge was to extend an olive branch to our ideological counterparts on campus, open up a mutual dialogue and friendly channels of communication, and accomplish some good for our community in the process.”

“Socialists cannot be friendly with capitalists,” Comeriato replied. “These exploiters of the working class must be dispossessed and punished for their crimes against humanity. As Marx proved so long ago, those who resist the revolution for social justice must be reeducated or liquidated, as the people’s tribunals will decide. There is no point to a dialogue with Cline or his ilk when it is people like him that we mean to publicly hang as an example to everyone that we are serious about transforming our country.”

Dems Demand Free Abortions for Illegals

Sen. Patty Murray (D-WA) and 15 other Democratic senators signed a letter to the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) assailing a Trump Administration policy denying illegal unaccompanied minors access to abortion.

“Long ago the Supreme Court decreed that it is every woman’s constitutional right to abort her unwanted child,” the letter said. “The Administration’s attempt to get around the Court’s decree by asserting it doesn’t apply to females in the country illegally is reprehensible. Their argument that providing free abortions to illegal immigrants would only encourage more illegal immigration is irrelevant. Providing a refuge for those seeking abortions outlawed in the Latin American tyrannies from which these women are escaping upholds the longstanding traditions of our country as a beacon of freedom.”

Sen. Murray elaborated on the letter, insisting that “laws against using taxes to fund abortions are obviously unconstitutional. What good is a theoretical right to an abortion if you can’t afford to pay for it? The whole point of an impoverished female coming to America to abort her unwanted child would be completely thwarted if the government can refuse to pay for it. In light of recent scientific findings showing that having children is harming the planet, it would be insane for us not to fund every possible abortion we can before it is too late.”

In related news, another new constitutional right was recently announced by Army Chief of Staff Gen. Mark Milley who asserted that “the Constitution’s ‘pursuit of happiness’ clause says that Army personnel have a constitutional right to change their gender and the government has an obligation to provide the medical and financial resources to see that this right is fulfilled.”

Biden’s Bizarre Gun Control Logic

Despite the availability of an AR-15 to Stephen Willeford being a crucial factor that helped him bring and end to the Sutherland Springs, Texas church massacre, former Vice-President Joe Biden adamantly asserted that “this is the type of gun no one should be allowed to have.”

“I know some will argue that Willeford saved lives by shooting the guy who was killing dozens of people in that church,” Biden acknowledged. “But we’ve got to look at the bigger picture and be willing to make the sacrifices that promote the greater good. If Willeford hadn’t had the AR-15 the killer might’ve shot a few more people. On the other hand, widespread ownership of AR-15s poses a much more serious threat that anti-government types could mount a dangerous resistance to government authority.

Eliminating this greater danger by confiscating weapons like the AR-15 is clearly the better policy.”

The editors at the Boston Globe newspaper took an even more extreme view than the former Veep and demanded that all 300 million privately held guns be confiscated. “One of the commonly overlooked advantages of the former Soviet Union’s gun control policies is that when only government authorities have legal access to firearms the ability of private citizens to shoot one another is drastically curtailed,” the editors observed. “Perhaps it’s time for us to accept a sinilar trade-off and give up our freedom to own guns in exchange for the freedom to not be shot by our fellow citizens.”

In possibly related news, a former Secret Service agent assigned to guard Biden during his vice-presidency claims that agents frequently had to intervene to protect women from being fondled by him. “He’d get ‘touchy-feely’ at every opportunity,” the agent recalled. “We couldn’t avert all the groping and would later cringe when we saw the evidence captured in photos of official events he attended. I mean, he doesn’t have the same senility escape clause employed by former President Bush and his demented ‘Copafeel’ magician joke.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Republicans Call for Moore to End Senate Run

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnThe Washington Post’s publication of allegations that Judge Roy Moore, the GOP candidate for Alabama’s open senate seat, made improper sexual advances toward teen-age women in 1979 sparked calls for him to exit the race.

Sen. John McCain (R-Az) insisted that Moore “should immediately step aside and allow the people of Alabama to elect a candidate they can be proud of. The allegations alone are disqualifying. Even if they turn out to be untrue the Senate is no place for a man about whom such charges are reported in a highly respected media outlet like the Post.”

Ironically, McCain was the target of allegations that he was engaged in an extramarital affair with a Washington lobbyist during his ill-fated 2008 presidential campaign. He didn’t step aside, something he now acknowledges “may have been a mistake. It was before I had the nomination. If I had made an earlier exit I could have been replaced by a candidate voters could have been proud of.”

McCain wasn’t the only unsuccessful GOP presidential candidate to demand Moore drop out of the race. The 2012 Republican presidential nominee, former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney, echoed the Arizona Senator, saying that Moore’s accuser’s story of bringing a basket of food to her grandmother’s house in the woods only to be confronted by the wolfish Moore “has a ring of truth about it that I find very persuasive. I can’t believe she would make up such a story.”

The National Republican Senatorial Committee has cut off funding for Moore’s campaign. Sen. Lisa Murkowski (R-Alaska) urged Sen. Luther Strange, who lost to Moore in the Republican primary, to run as a write-in candidate. Both of these moves would greatly increase the odds that Democrat Doug Jones will be Alabama’s next US senator. “No matter,” says Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ken), “I’d rather be in the minority than have to accept a tainted Republican as a senate colleague. We’ve been in the minority before. It’s not so bad. There’s a lot less pressure to get things done when you’re in the minority, but the perks are all still there.”

In related news, the US Senate has confirmed fewer of President Trump’s executive and judicial nominees at this point of his term than the nominees of any previous president. Minority Leader Sen. Charles Schumer (D-NY) has exploited every available procedure to delay confirmation votes. The Senate’s two-and-a-half day workweek is another contributing factor. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ken) lamented the slow pace, but asserted that “long standing Senate procedures cannot be abandoned simply because they impede the efficient function of the government. The attraction of being a senator would be dissipated if it required a 40-hour work week or expeditious handling of matters up for action.”

NYC Mayor Taunts ISIS

Emboldened by his reelection with 70 percent of the vote, New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio brazenly mocked Islamic terrorists calling the recent attack that killed eight people “feeble. There are more than eight million New Yorkers. It would take more than million attacks of the magnitude of that launched by Mr. Saipov to kill us all. Besides, five of the eight he killed were Argentinians—not New Yorkers, per se.”

“New Yorkers are resilient,” the Mayor continued. “Common criminals murder 300 people a year in our city, but our citizens don’t quake in fear because they know their government is safe from murderous assault. I have bodyguards with me 24/7. So no matter how many ordinary inhabitants terrorists may succeed in killing my reign will go on.”

In related news, the US Army is pondering whether to pay convicted deserter Pvt. Bowe Bergdahl $300,000 in back pay now that a judge has decided against sending him to prison. Army spokesman Col. Walter Wussier explained “if he were going to prison he wouldn’t need the money, but as a convicted traitor it will be hard for him to find a good job. A generous severance package would help him attain a decent lifestyle on the outside.”

Senator Reverses Herself on “Rigged Primary” Charge

Last week Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) told CNN’s Jake Tapper that the 2016 Democratic presidential primary was rigged to favor Hillary Clinton over her rival Sen. Bernie Sanders (Vt). This week she reversed herself saying that “I am persuaded that I was being manipulated into a false consciousness.”

The chief “persuader” according to Warren was none other than Hillary Clinton. “She reminded me that Bernie was the communist candidate and that the Russians would have had no incentive to rig the primaries against him,” the Senator said. “Once their efforts to secure the nomination for their ‘mole’ fell through they went to their back-up plan to undermine the person they most feared—Secretary Clinton.”

A secondary factor in her changed opinion “was Donna’s admission that her ‘tell all’ book was largely fiction. Publishers demand that there be some ‘blockbuster’ revelations before they will fork over millions for the rights to your book. Political campaigns are mostly boring tales of envelope stuffing, meaningless sound bites, and pressing-the-flesh. An honest recount might interest professional historians, but they are a tiny minority of the book-buyers in America. Now that Donna has pocketed her advance she is free to revert back to the dull reality.”

Sanders labeled Warren’s contention “ludicrous. First of all, in case Sen. Warren hasn’t noticed, Russia isn’t communist anymore. If they were going to meddle in the election it wouldn’t have been to help me. I’m not the one who sold Russia uranium in exchange for multi-million dollar donations to my foundation. Second of all, what’s so bad about communism? Hundreds of millions may have been oppressed and tens of millions killed, but the Soviet Union modernized a backward country and enforced an equality that we can only wish we had in America.”

Newly elected Democratic National Committee chairman Tom Perez contends that “the DNC actually did less than it could have on Hillary’s behalf. Back in 2008, the Party brought in thugs to frighten Republican voters away from some polling places. The Party didn’t do that for Hillary. Perhaps we were overconfident she would win without the full array of normal procedures. It was a mistake that has cost Democrats dearly. And one we may have to live with for quite awhile.”

The corruption within the Democratic Party is so bad that long-time Party strategist Doug Schoen urged major change. “The entire Democratic Party stinks from the head down, the whole process,” he complained. “The rigged primary, the Uranium One payoffs, the Trump dossier—it’s a mess. We need a special prosecutor to look into this.”

Rep. Al Green (D-Tex), though, blamed Trump for the “mess” saying that “his incitement of white supremacy, sexism, bigotry, hatred, xenophobia, race-baiting, and racism is what has driven the Democratic Party to undertake these desperate measures aimed at thwarting his tyranny. Until this man is impeached and removed from office we will continue to see riots in the streets, unending sexual harassment, and the persecution of minorities.”

In related news, flush with the success of what the Washington Post called their “vile and despicable” ad on behalf of Democrat Ralph Northam in the Virginia governor’s election, the Latino Victory Fund vowed to “spread the message far and wide” in future electoral contests. Cristóbal Alex, Latino Victory Fund president, justified the scurrilous ad, calling it “payback for Republican ads maligning MS-13, claiming it is a criminal gang.”

California NAACP Wants to Get Rid of the “Star Spangled Banner”

The California chapter of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People is lobbying the State Legislature to remove the Star Spangled Banner as the country’s national anthem. California NAACP President Alice Huffman credited former National Football League player Colin Kaepernick with “drawing attention to just how racist, pro-slavery,  anti-black the song is.”

While the words of the song seem to focus on fighting for freedom, Huffman contended that “the opening line asking whether Jose can see both belittles the eyesight of our Latino friends and singles them out for unknown, but probably racist reasons.”

Rep. Danny Davis (D-Ill) lauded the NAACP initiative and pointed out that “the lack of mention for this country’s foremothers and foresisters in the song is an unforgivable sexist slight, too. You know, former President Obama raised this issue back when he first ran for president. He objected to the bellicose content of the song—all the bombs bursting and such. He suggested at that time that we adopt the song ‘I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing’ as our anthem. I think that was very prescient of him and would be happy to introduce the legislation needed to accomplish this.”

Senate Tax Legislation May Delay Corporate Tax Cut

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell expressed concerns that the House proposal to make corporate tax cuts take place immediately “has sparked apprehension among our Democratic colleagues that such precipitous action would put their Party’s candidates at an unfair disadvantage during the 2018 election. They fear that the repatriation of corporate money currently held outside the country that such a tax cut would initiate would lead to too big of an increase in investment and jobs and that it would essentially ensure a Republican sweep of all competitive races for House and Senate seats.”

“Rather than tilt the playing field against our colleagues we are considering postponing the planned corporate tax cuts until 2019,” McConnell said. “That would put any potential economic resurgence into a period beyond the date of the election and remove the unfair advantage it could give Republicans in the minds of the voters.”

Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) was effusive in his praise for what he called “Mitch’s extraordinary devotion to fair play. That he would turn away from using his Party’s power to ram through a measure that could guarantee his Party remained the majority is the kind of selflessness you rarely see in politics. I don’t know if I could be as magnanimous were our roles reversed.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Las Vegas Killer’s Mystery Solved

Las Vegas police and the media have searched in vain for some tangible motive behind mass murderer Stephen Paddock’s monstrous shooting spree. They can’t find a smoking gun, a tie to Islamic terrorists or really much of anything else to explain what he did. Their motive trail has gone icily cold.

But they’ve overlooked the obvious.

Paddock was obviously under spiritual warfare and Satan won his soul.

The New Testament’s Book of Ephesians, Chapter 6, verse 12 explains it:

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

Paddock succumbed to that dark world and lost the struggle. He was controlled by Satan’s demons. Anyone committing such a heinous act of violence is under their control.

Furthermore, his lady said that sometimes he wailed in his sleep. His nights may have been tortured by the demons possessing his soul and inspiring him to do evil.

Paddock’s life at the end was dominated by evil. Satan is the author of evil. And the only way to explain this horrible, murderous shooting rampage is by examining satanic evil. A dark world of evil spiritual forces is in play in this world and it is at the root of the vile acts of mortals.

Jesus was not immune to temptation from the evil one, and neither are we. But here’s what we can do about it:

Put on the whole armour of God that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. — Ephesians 6:11

 

How Media Toasts Hurt the GOP Establishment

By Brent Bozell and Tim Graham, Newsbusters
November 4, 2017

A Morning Consult poll released on Halloween offers a scary result for establishment Republicans. They tested the approval/disapproval ratings of current members of the U.S. Senate. Guess who was in the cellar? Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell ranked dead last on a recent poll of senators’ popularity.flake-mccain

Guess who came in second to last? Jeff Flake, the Arizona senator who’s retiring because he couldn’t possibly win a Republican primary. Then guess who came in third with highest disapproval? Sen. John McCain.

Now take a look at who has the highest approval. Bernie Sanders came in first at 71 percent. Right behind him was his fellow leftist from Vermont, Patrick Leahy, at 67 percent.

What lesson can we take from this particular survey? It starts with the media elites. When the media love a leftist, that only helps them with their base. The friend of my friend is my friend. It also endears them to independents, since the media portray leftists as feisty populists for the common man, and not as the over-regulating, super-taxing socialists they are.

On the other hand, when the media love a Republican, that causes great problems with the Republican’s conservative base. The friend of my enemy is my enemy.  It’s one obvious reason why McCain, despite (or more accurately because of) media valentines, couldn’t defeat George W. Bush in the 2000 primaries.

Trump voters cannot stand McCain’s personal crusade against Trump. The media desperately want Republicans to attack Trump as viciously as they do, but getting on the wrong side of Trump is a perilous place to be.

Senator Flake’s speech on the Senate floor announcing the inevitable – that running for re-election was fruitless – made him the toast of MSNBC. Joe Scarborough gushed “This was our ‘Mr. Smith Goes to Washington,’ where you had a senator saying on the floor that the President of the United States in his party was a threat to constitutional norms, societal norms, and our children.” Predictably, Chris Matthews also dragged out the Jimmy Stewart movie reference, comparing Flake’s speech to “a moment straight from a great novel or movie.”

When a Republican is the toast of MSNBC, he’s toast with conservatives.

Let’s stipulate that Mitch McConnell isn’t a media darling like the two Arizonans. It’s easy to recall how the journalists now wanting Trump impeached/indicted had a conniption when McConnell said out loud in 2010 that his first goal was to deny Obama re-election. They reacted like he’d slapped the Pope in the face while kicking Santa Claus in the groin. But to both right and left, McConnell represents Entrenched Washington, and right now, he embodies the disgust conservatives feel for having many of their policy aims sidelined and/or squashed.

Not every senator fits the formula. The fourth least popular senator is Robert Menendez, Democrat of New Jersey, now on trial for felony corruption charges. Of note: his rotten approval rating cannot be connected to national media coverage, since he is a Democrat. Forget accusations against Trump, or indictments against Manafort. We are talking here about a trial, where the defense has now rested. Network evening news coverage on ABC, CBS, NBC? Zero.

Corruption, in the eyes of our partisan media, is solely a Trump problem, just like colluding with Russia to manipulate the election, or hating facts you find inconvenient. When Republicans agreeably proclaim that only Trump is ruining Washington on all of these things, they are trapped in the liberal media mind-meld.

 

Clinton Assails Trump’s ‘Lack of Empathy’

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnFailed presidential candidate Hillary Clinton lambasted President Donald Trump for his “lack of empathy” following the New York City terror attack that killed eight people. “Calling the unfortunate man who was driven to make this attack an ‘animal’ and demanding he face the death penalty was so cruel and callous,” the former Secretary of State asserted. “Where was the sympathy for a man wrested from his native Uzbekistan and thrust into an America teeming with the unbelievers that his faith commands him to kill?”

She went on to contrast “Trump’s bloodthirsty desire for vengeance with the kindness and compassion shown by previous presidents. Bill had numerous opportunities to apprehend or take out Osama bin Laden, but restrained himself out of respect for Muslim cultural differences. Similarly, President Obama urged calm and forgiveness rather than violent retribution when our ambassador to Libya was accidentally killed.”

“I suppose we shouldn’t be surprised,” Clinton said. “I tried to warn voters that Trump’s efforts to draw sharp distinctions between friends vs. enemies, criminals vs. victims, bad guys vs. good guys was the kind of thinking that ignored our common humanity. Rather than try to understand why Muslims feel compelled to kill us or why criminals seek a redistribution of wealth, Trump just condemns behavior he doesn’t like and abuses the presidency to cram his backward, anti-progressive way of seeing things down our throats.”

In related news, the editors at the New York Times advised people not to be alarmed when they hear someone screaming Allahu Akbar, calling it “just an everyday phrase” and the violence that frequently ensues immediately afterward as “an easily misunderstood behavior. Those of us familiar with the Quran recognize that killing unbelievers is a sacred obligation for practitioners of Islam. It’s as important for Muslims as confession is for Catholics. Its blanket condemnation by President Trump is a dangerous sign of the impending tyranny his Administration would impose against constitutionally protected freedom of religion in our country.”

2016 Democratic Primaries Rigged

This week, an excerpt from former Democratic National Committee Chairwoman Donna Brazile’s forthcoming book asserted that the DNC conspired with Hillary Clinton to rig the Party’s primary system to cheat Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders out of the presidential nomination. Ironically, Brazile lost her gig at CNN when Wikileaks revealed that she abetted the cheating by giving Hillary Clinton an advance peak at debate questions.

Brazile expressed shock that in exchange for a $20 million cash payment, the DNC under her predecessor Rep. Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (Fla) sold controlling interest to Hillary Clinton. “I don’t know whether that was illegal, but it sure was unusual,” Brazile wrote. “Normally, control over the National Committee isn’t transferred to a candidate until after the nomination is secured at the convention.”

Clinton expressed surprise following the publication of Brazile’s contention, saying “from what I’ve heard, Donna hasn’t been well. Perhaps a brain tumor has addled her thinking. The $20 million was a straightforward purchase of controlling interest much like many of the purchases made by Trump on his way to becoming a billionaire. Why is it okay for him to buy a hotel, but not for me to buy a political party? Trying to make my purchase look illegitimate is yet another example of the sexism that wrecked my campaign’s chances.”

Rep. Luis Gutiérrez (D-Ill.) announced that Brazile’s evidence will be added to the impeachment case he is building against President Trump. “The dire threat that Mr. Trump’s candidacy posed to America drove the most highly esteemed candidate that ever sought the office to have to resort to irregular tactics,” Gutiérrez charged. “Corrupting her virtue in such a manner is the highest crime imaginable.”

In related news, in testimony before the Senate Intelligence Committee, Sean Edgett, Acting General Counsel for Twitter, Inc., admitted that “despite our efforts to stack the deck against him, Trump was able to effectively use Twitter to boost his campaign. We were able to suppress nearly 50 percent of the negative tweets about Clinton while allowing all the negative tweets about Trump to freely flow through our network. Clinton originated twice as many tweets as Trump did, but his tweets were re-tweeted twice as often. This type of clever and anarchic devolution of control from the company to its customers is a problem we are looking into.”

Sessions Recuses Himself Again

Attorney General Jeff Sessions told a small group of congressmen that he can’t open an investigation nor name a special prosecutor to look into the corruption surrounding 2010’s Uranium One deal because he has, once again, recused himself.

As Sessions explained, “any person involved in any investigation must have no prior knowledge of the parties likely to be under scrutiny. Well, I have prior knowledge of Mrs. Clinton, President Obama, Robert Mueller, and James Comey—each of whom has fingerprints all over that uranium thing. You see, it’s like a juror being discharged if he knows any of the participants in a trial. Frankly, I don’t see how anyone who’s paid any attention to the news over the past eight years wouldn’t have to recuse himself. That wouldn’t seem to leave anyone available to take up the case. I know it seems stupid, but that’s how our blind justice system is supposed to work.”

Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-Fla), one of the congressmen who witnessed Sessions recusing himself characterized the AG’s reasoning as “lame and confused. If every prosecutor took such a stance no person of notoriety could ever be brought to justice. Sessions’ passing of the buck to Rosenstein—a lesser known person who may also be implicated in the Uranium One scandal—is senseless and irresponsible.”

Candidate Discovers She’s Black

Noted Native-American fabulist Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) made an early bid to lock up the Black vote for a prospective 2020 presidential run by discovering that in addition to being part Cherokee she is also part Black.

“Just this last week I was told by a ninth cousin that our great-great-great grandmother was a slave who was serially raped by John Calhoun back in the 1850s and bore him more than a dozen children,” Warren told a Black audience earlier this week. “I am proud to say that I am one of the descendants of one of those children.”

The Senator alleged that “this bond of blood makes me especially qualified to represent those of us who have been oppressed because of the color of our skin. I wish that I would have known of my heritage earlier in my life. I could have opened some more doors for myself. But maybe the momentum from this later realization can open the door of the White House to this belatedly aware biracial woman.”

Warren pledged to “focus on the continuing mistreatment of my people we see in our public institutions. I will work to remove math from the public school curriculum. Studies have shown that Blacks fail this subject at far higher rates than their share of the school population. In this age of computers it is a skill no longer needed to live in modern America. Likewise, I will work to free the Black men who disproportionately fill our prisons. Not acting white shouldn’t be a crime. True diversity realizes the subjectivity of values and doesn’t impose a moral code that is unsuitable for subsets of our society.”

Rev. Al Sharpton, a member of the audience Warren was addressing professed himself to be “tepidly optimistic” about her candidacy. “While I like her program I am not persuaded she would be an authentic spokesperson for Black liberation. I’m thinking maybe Michelle Obama would be a better vehicle for our message, though I do have my reservations concerning her demand that all men be neutered.”

In related news, the mysterious appearance around the country of flyers saying “it’s okay to be white” has struck terror among assorted minorities. Principal Renay Johnson of Montgomery Blair High School in Silver Spring, Maryland, said “the appearance of these flyers at our school is the most frightening incident I could have imagined ever happening here. It directly contradicts what we are trying to teach our students. The perpetrators must be hunted down and punished to full extent of what the law allows.”

NYC Jihadi Pleased with Himself

New York City attack suspect Sayfullo Saipov professed himself “pleased with the outcome of my holy jihad against the unbelievers. I could have slain more if it hadn’t been for the interference of the bus and getting shot by the police, but eight is a respectable count. Luckily, one of those I killed was a Jew. I will get extra benefits in paradise for that. If every Muslim could slay as many unbelievers as I have all religions except for Islam would be erased from the Earth.”

John Miller, deputy New York police commissioner for intelligence, said “Saipov appears to have followed, almost exactly to a T, the instructions that Isis has put out.” This observation inspired Mayor Bill de Blasio to declare “today, I am a Muslim and I urge every resident of this great City to weigh the risks and rewards of not making the smarter and safer choice. Consider—Bible, Quran—these are just books with words that few people read. If you reject the Bible no priest or rabbi is likely to try to kill you. Meanwhile, you would be eliminating a Muslim’s incentive to kill you. Once we are all nominally Muslim the madness can cease.”

Shat al-Ott, Imam of the Paterson New Jersey radical mosque attended by Saipov, dismissed de Blasio’s recommendation, calling it “insincere. Islam is not a phony religion like Christianity. It requires full devotion, daily prayer, pilgrimages, and a willingness to fight for the spread of the faith. Anyone who is not willing to kill or risk being killed in this struggle is not a true Muslim and must be slain.”

In related news, Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) dismissed President Trump’s demand that we end the diversity visa lottery program that facilitated the terrorist’s entry, and that of 23 of his family members, into the United States as “absurd. The actions of Mr. Saipov demonstrate that the program is working like it’s supposed to work. What could be more diverse than killing a random bunch of people out of religious devotion? The chances of finding a ‘home-grown’ American who would do such a thing are exceedingly slim. If Trump’s effort toward excluding people of different faiths and customs is successful we would be isolated from world-wide trends that are reshaping what it means to live in modern times. Europe has adjusted to the new ‘normal.’ Do we really want to be left behind?”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

 

 

Salacious Smear of Trump Funded by Dems

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnAfter a year of trying to hype the Fusion GPS “dossier” on Donald Trump into alleged “proof” of his illicit collusion with Russia the Democrats have seen the escapade backfire big time. An expose in the Washington Post, of all places, disclosed that the Democratic National Committee paid up to $9 million for the political hit piece. Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, chair of the DNC at the time these payments were made, and Hillary Clinton, Democratic candidate for president at that time, both denied any knowledge of the payments.

Clinton pointed out that “we spent a billion dollars on the campaign. In that context, a $9 million payment to an obscure opposition research outfit was peanuts. Why would I be expected to have any knowledge of it?”

Well, there were a series of progressively desperate tweets from the candidate starting in August 2016 and periodically repeated up to October 31 querying the absence of media coverage of Trump’s supposed collusion with Russia to rig the election. Despite Hillary’s efforts, though, media outlets refused to publish any of the dossier’s content on the grounds that the charges couldn’t be independently verified.

Editors at the Los Angeles Times—one of the 99 percent of newspapers that endorsed Clinton for president—dismissed the question of who paid for the smear, saying that “who paid is not as pertinent as the seriousness of the charges made in the dossier.” As for the lack of corroboration of any of the “serious” charges, the Times editors asserted that “the leveling of even false allegations in a political campaign is protected freedom of speech. The media must bear a large share of the responsibility for its refusal to go public with the dossier’s details when it could have made a difference in the election’s outcome. A finicky aversion to publish allegations out of an overwrought fear that they might later be proven untrue may have saddled the nation with a man unfit to hold the office of president.”

Obama’s former Director of National Intelligence James Clapper attempted to rescue the situation by arguing that “the absence of evidence behind the dossier’s claims doesn’t preclude the possibility that they might be true. I mean, no one’s produced definitive evidence verifying the existence of ‘big foot,’ but that doesn’t prove the creature doesn’t exist. Our spying on Trump and his associates was never 24/7. They had unobserved moments where they could’ve done the things the dossier said they did. Until they come forward with a persuasive accounting for every minute of their time over the last few years I think we have to assume they’ve got something to hide.”

Former Clinton spokesperson and current CNN contributor Brian Fallon called the “latest kerfuffle over whether the dossier is factual is irrelevant. The more important thing about these types of campaign documents is ‘are they effective.’ If I had known about it before the election I would’ve shouted it to the rooftops. The campaign’s failure to do that exhibited a timidity unbecoming of someone who truly wants to wield political power. In my book, you use every weapon you have to win. After you win no one will dare question whether your tactics were dirty. And if they do, you’ll have numerous tools you can use to make them regret raising the issue.”

White House Press Secretary Sarah Sanders called the recent turn of events “ironic. The scheming of the Democrats reminds me of the whole Watergate affair. Rather than take their issues to voters as President Trump did, they put their energy into concocting a false narrative aimed at muddying up their opponent. Nixon paid ‘plumbers’ to spy on his 1972 election opponent. Even though he was heavily favored to win and did win, his underhanded tactics eventually brought him down. While Mrs. Clinton’s underhanded tactics didn’t win her the election, they may yet bring her down to a worse place than merely being an ‘also ran.’”

In related news, Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz). strove to minimize his role in hyping the dossier, reminding everyone that, “I had a brain tumor when I did that. Who knows what I was thinking or why I did what I did?”

UK Law Enforcement Shift Spurs Soaring Crime Rate

The shift of law-enforcement focus from “ordinary crimes” to “hate crimes” has coincided with a surge of 19 percent in violent crime, 22 percent in rapes, and, surprisingly, given the country’s strict gun-control laws, 27 percent in crimes committed by firearm-toting thugs. While budgetary concerns have had a role in the reduced arrest records (down 48 percent over the last nine years) the shift of emphasis toward cracking down on “hate crimes” is also a factor.

In London, arrests for “offensive comments” are up by 53 percent in the last year. A spokesman for the Metropolitan Police explained that “in our view, a hateful comment is a more serious matter than the run-of-the-mill crimes committed by ordinary criminals. Hateful comments spring from hateful thoughts. If we don’t take the initiative to suppress hateful thoughts they could lead to a wider social break down.”

A particular focus of the anti-hate crime effort has been “the noxious animus against people of Asian descent. The clash of cultures between white values and foreign values adds an ugly racist taint to the ways long-term residents perceive newer arrivals. The Mayor has emphasized that we must spare no effort in nipping this in the bud.”

While “nipping” hateful thought in the bud has shifted police from patrolling the streets to perusing Facebook and Twitter in search of hateful words, Muslim immigrants have played a significant part in the rise of ordinary crimes—attacking “unbelievers” and sexually assaulting “loose women” in emulation of the Prophet and as prescribed in their holy Quran.

In related news, Sweden issued an ultimatum demanding that “all European Union countries must take more refugees, or else.” Prime Minister Stefan Löfven contends that “xenophobia is a major threat to Europe” and that “the best way to combat this threat is to speed our transition to Islam. The sooner we all join the umma, the sooner the terrorism will stop. Surely it is better to simulate the required five daily prayers than to endure the constant risk of being killed for our resistance.”

Evidence Obama Administration Discriminated Against Conservatives

This week evidence of a comprehensive policy of illegal discrimination by the Obama Administration against conservatives emerged on two fronts.

First was the discovery of an internal IRS email outlining an intentional plan to obstruct Tea Party organizations from obtaining tax-exempt status for educational activities. An April 1, 2011 email from Elizabeth Kastenberg, an official in the agency’s exempt organizations division, confirmed that “these cases are held back primarily because of their political party affiliation rather than specifically any political activities.” The IRS also illegally colluded with the Federal Election Commission (FEC) to crack down on conservative nonprofits during the 2012 election cycle.

IRS Commissioner John Koskinen tried to brush off the email as “an obvious ‘April fool’ joke. Look at the date on the email. To say this is a ‘smoking gun’ is absurd.” Koskinen’s contention is rebutted by the demonstrated pattern of discrimination and harassment conservative groups faced from the IRS in the post-2011 period.

Second was a Department of Justice scheme to ensure that nearly a billion dollars in settlements from businesses sued by the Obama Administration would be donated exclusively to left-wing political organizations. Records obtained from the Obama era Office of the Assistant Attorney General (OAAG) and the Office of Legal Counsel (OLC) revealed a conscious intent to exclude conservative or non-partisan groups from receiving any of the settlement money.

With respect to the settlement scheme, current Attorney General Jeff Sessions characterized the scheme as “essentially, political extortion. Under the threat of prolonged and expensive litigation, the previous DOJ allowed targeted businesses to opt out by agreeing to accept a plea and pay a fine. The money obtained from those fines was used as a ‘slush fund’ to aid left-wing interest groups like National Council of La Raza, Urban League and National Community Reinvestment Coalition.” Sessions ordered an end to the policy, saying that “if real damages are incurred due to torts committed by any defendants payments should be paid to the injured parties not politically favored pressure groups.”

With respect to the IRS discrimination, it has be announced that Koskinen will be replaced by the Treasury Department”s assistant secretary for tax policy, David Kautter as acting commissioner of the Internal Revenue Service beginning November 12.

Obama Briefed on Uranium One Scandal

The confidential informant recently released from the non-disclosure agreement forced on him by the Obama Administration Department of Justice passed on evidence that Russian nuclear officials were engaged in bribery, kickbacks, extortion, and money laundering to his FBI superiors for inclusion in President Obama’s daily briefing. A $500,000 share of the bribes went into the pocket of former President Bill Clinton as a “speaking fee” and $145 million went to the Clinton Foundation in the form of “donations” from principals who profited from the sale of 20 percent of the U.S. uranium supply to a firm owned by the Russian government.

Obama professed to “have no recollection of the matter. As my successor can attest, these briefings are boring and repetitive. My mind may have wandered during the briefing where this uranium thing was mentioned. I was probably thinking about the NCAA basketball tournament and how my brackets were holding up.”

Rep. Louie Gomert (R-Tex) dismissed the ex-President’s lame excuse as “par for course. I’m more interested in the role the FBI superiors have played in this whole affair.

Mueller was the Director at that time. Rosenstein was a high-ranking official. It was Rosenstein who subsequently appointed Mueller as special counsel in charge of investigating supposed collusion between Trump and the Russians. The involvement of these men in what now has the appearance of a massive attempt to divert attention away from this earlier real collusion raises serious concerns of a cover-up to protect the guilty with a ploy to implicate the innocent.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Schumer Advises Red-State Dems to Hide Views on Guns

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnSenate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) advised Party colleagues facing a tough reelection fight in states carried by Trump last November to mute criticism of gun ownership ahead of the 2018 mid-term balloting.
“We all agree that we need more restrictions on gun ownership,” Schumer conceded. “But if too many red-state voters perceive this is our intent we could lose seats in the Senate and House. What I am urging is that we be smart. There is no need to fully reveal what we stand for, especially if it might cost votes. This is a case where an elected Democrat’s silence on the issue will be the best strategy.”

Instead, the Minority Leader suggested that imperiled Democrats “could focus on economic issues. The Trump Administration is pushing a huge tax cut. We can point out that transferring more of the nation’s resources from the public sector into the hands of selfish private individuals endangers the progressive transformation of the United States that former President Obama worked so hard to accomplish. Trump has foolishly boasted that his tax cut will be ‘rocket fuel’ for the economy and will create millions of jobs. This will lure more Americans into the labor force, undoing the leisure gains of the Obama years.”

“Already, the baleful signs of what is to come from the Trump tax cut plan can be seen in surging employment opportunities,” the Senator observed. “Just last month the number of applications for new unemployment benefits fell to a 44-year low. This vital safety net for the work-averse would be torn to shreds by the tax cut ‘rocket fuel’ Trump would unleash on our economy. Standing against such a calamity would, in my opinion, redound to the benefit of every Democrat come November 2018.”

Evidence of Russian Influence Seeps Out

This week evidence showing Russian bribery aimed at manipulating US Government policies began to trickle into the media sphere. It seems that the State Department’s 2010 decision to permit a Russian-owned uranium firm to acquire 20% of the US supply of this nuclear resource proceeded amid a flurry of donations to the Clinton Foundation.
While FBI field agents uncovered the bribery trail, then Director, Robert Mueller successfully suppressed the investigation obtaining a Department of Justice (DOJ) “gag” order that is still in effect today. This past week, Senator Charles Grassley (R-Iowa), chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee, called for current DOJ Attorney General Jeff Sessions to lift the gag order, but was rebuffed by the Trump appointee.

“There are many complicated issues to consider,” Sessions said. “For one, there is the reputation and privacy of current and formerly highly placed government officials to be taken into account. Right now Robert Mueller is a special counsel looking into other matters. His effectiveness on that assignment could be impeded if he were to be queried on the uranium deal. Another factor that looms large in my mind is whether the Statute of Limitations may have expired on any crimes committed so long ago. Raising issues that couldn’t be tried in court because of this would be fruitless and embarrassing.”

Grassley declared “Sessions’ refusal to lift the suppression of evidence by his AG predecessor is an unacceptable infringement on Congress’ responsibility to scrutinize the actions of the executive branch. Why he is honoring an illegal gag order defies understanding. If we are to ‘drain the swamp’ we must have access to witnesses holding crucial evidence.”

In related news, former Attorney General Eric Holder defended former FBI Director James Comey’s exoneration of Hillary Clinton prior to completion of an investigation, calling it “an efficient way of disposing of the matter. Comey knew that there was no way that AG Lynch was going to pursue a case against Mrs. Clinton. Writing the exoneration memo in advance was a way to more efficiently close the whole thing down and save the government a lot of heartaches and headaches.”

GOP Virginia Gubernatorial Campaign Called “Racist”

Republican candidate for Virginia Governor Ed Gillespie’s vow to implement policies that would crack down on the notorious Latino gang known as MS-13 was dubbed “racist” by his Democratic opponent Ralph Northam. “That a man aspiring to the highest office in this state would single out these immigrants and children of immigrants is repugnant,” Northam insisted.

State and local law enforcement officers, however, regard MS-13 as a serious threat to the inhabitants of the communities in which they carry out their criminal depredations. Alexandria, Virginia Police Chief Earl Cook called the gang “more vicious and violent than the Mafia. Our streets cannot be safe if we don’t exert the extra effort and vigilance needed to combat these criminals.”

Northam maintains that “I am not opposed to law enforcement directed at criminal activity. But I do think it needs to be more balanced in terms of the racial composition of suspects arrested and prosecuted. Making scapegoats of the youths who belong to MS-13 is the kind of bigotry inspired by Donald Trump and his minions, one of whom is my opponent in the upcoming election.”

“No law-abiding person denies the need to crack down on these violent criminals,” Gillespie countered. “The notion that we should seek a racially-balanced prison population as a meaningful way to promote public safety is deluded and counterproductive. In my view, given its tactics and the frequency with which they assail victims, MS-13 should be at the top of our ‘most wanted’ list.”

Bush Assails Culture of Bigotry

Fresh off eight years of rest during the Obama Administration, former President George W. Bush decried what he called the current “culture of bigotry” in American politics. Based on the content of his remarks, the “bigotry” in question appears to be Donald Trump’s characterization of Washington as a “swamp.”

“When a prominent member of government attacks government in this way it undermines the people’s confidence in their rulers,” Bush declared. “The loss of confidence creates a very real danger of disobedience toward those in charge. This is the path to anarchy.”

“Clearly, bringing in an outsider who knows nothing of the fellowship of friendly adversaries that runs our country was a mistake,” the former President lamented. “How we correct this mistake is the sacred mission of those of us who understand the process of ruling a country.”

Former President Barack Obama hailed what he characterized as “a long overdue admission of guilt from one of this nation’s leading anti-progressives. If Mr. Bush had joined with the Democratic wing of America’s governing fraternity to back Secretary Clinton’s bid for the presidency we wouldn’t now be talking about the ‘swamp.’”
“There is a very palpable risk that the transformation of America that I put into motion may be undone,” Obama warned. “Trump’s recent moves to reverse my executive actions granting amnesty to ‘dreamers’ and subsidies to insurance companies on the grounds they were usurpation of powers the Constitution delegated to Congress puts form over substance. Isn’t whether an action is right more important than whether it is legal?”

Rep. Jamie Raskin (D-Md), an advocate of removing President Trump via the 25th Amendment’s “unable to discharge the powers and duties of his office” clause was “cheered by the agreement between our last two Chief Executives that Trump is unfit for the office he holds. Perhaps this will give Vice-President Pence the courage to lead Republicans in a joint effort with Democrats to end Trump’s nightmare regime. It’s not as if the GOP will lose the presidency. Removing Trump would make Pence the president. If I were in his shoes, that alone would be enough to spur me into action.”

In related news, 18 states have filed suit asking the courts to block Trump’s move to discontinue illegal subsidies to health insurance companies. New York Attorney General Eric Schneiderman contended that “since many states have come to depend on these illegal subsidies to sustain insurers allowed to operate in their states it would be unfair to revoke them. It is analogous to taking food away from a baby just because his father stole the money to pay for it. States need these subsidies to feed the insurers. Need has to take priority over a sterile insistence on rigidly following the law. Maintaining these subsidies is a matter of equity and social justice.”

DNC Purges Bernie Supporters

Citing the “need to avoid a repetition of last year’s Seth Rich problem,” Democratic National Committee Chairman Tom Perez announced the ouster of officials aligned with former presidential candidate Sen. Bernie Sanders (Vt). The vacancies will be filled with Hillary Clinton supporters, much like Special Counsel Robert Mueller staffed his investigation of Trump’s alleged collusion with Russia investigation with Clinton supporters.

DNC spokesperson Michael Tyler maintained that the replacement of Sanders supporters with Clinton supporters was “coincidental. The more important goal was to get a better racial mix among those on the committee. We’re proud to say that the number of Native Americans and Puerto Ricans has been substantially increased making the DNC membership more diverse.

The ousted James Zogby wondered “whether diversity of skin color ought to always supersede diversity in viewpoint. I fear the Party may be painting itself into a corner with its slavish devotion to such a one-dimensional criterion in the selection of its DNC members.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Presidential Library Won’t Include Obama Documents

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnThe Obama Presidential Library revealed that it won’t be providing any original documents written by Obama. Instead of having the former president’s manuscripts, documents and letters from his tenure in office—items presidential centers around the country all have—the Obama Library will have space for outdoor functions and picnics, a basketball court, recording studio, sledding hill, children’s play garden, and more. The decision has scholars puzzled and disappointed.

University of Chicago Professor of Black Studies Richard Buttkiss could hardly contain his dismay that “the written words of the greatest man to ever walk the Earth will not be available for historians to directly access. It’s as if the apostles had been barred from hearing Jesus speak. It seems like the world will be denied the opportunity to advance to a higher state of consciousness.”

Obama Foundation CEO David Simas explained that “President Obama did not want his legacy to be defined by a sterile preservation of his actual words, but to be a living record that evolves to meet the changing needs of an America on the move. What he wrote or said is not as important as what he meant or intended. By sloughing off the detritus of the past this President’s library will remain eternally relevant.”

Simas advised those who want to keep up with this evolving legacy “to buy his forthcoming books. The genius of this approach is that rather than rely on fallible outsiders to sift through an archive of old documents to craft a history of his era, President Obama will be cornering the market by blocking access to obsolete artifacts. A not insignificant byproduct will, of course, be the higher profits he will garner from book sales and speaking engagements as the sole source of insight for his term in office.”

Trump Revises Obamacare Rules

This week President Trump made some administrative revisions to the Affordable Care Act health insurance program. Using latitude granted to the president in the original legislation, Trump issued an executive action that allows individuals more choices in how to insure themselves. This expansion of choice was denounced by key Democrats.
Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) called Trump’s move “a stab in the back. Allowing people more choices is the exact opposite of what is needed if the changes made by Obamacare are to be made permanent. People will choose selfishly. They will only buy coverage they think they need. They won’t opt to pay for the coverage that government experts say others need. Under the President’s executive action a person who opposes abortion won’t have to pay to cover it for others. This extreme individualism undermines the collective welfare of society.”

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) called Trump’s move “sabotage. The Affordable Care Act (ACA) is a very delicately balanced system of cross-subsidization. If individuals who don’t need certain medical procedures are allowed to opt out of paying for them others who do need these procedures will be hurt. For example, under Trump’s rules a person who doesn’t want a sex change won’t have to pay for insurance to cover it for others. How is this fair? The notion that each person should be free to choose what he wants to buy is not the kind of America I want to live in.”

Senator Dick Durbin (D-IL) issued a press release seconding the “sabotage” accusation, saying “the Republicans already had their chance to repeal the ACA, but failed. Taking executive action to get around that failure is not the kind of bipartisanship Mr. Trump implied just a few weeks ago. For him to say he is merely exercising the same executive latitude that President Obama did is not an adequate justification. Since when do two wrongs make a right?”

Planned Parenthood CEO Cecile Richards complained that “ending the requirement for everyone to purchase abortion coverage allows Christians to impose their views on others. Women have an inalienable right to terminate unwanted offspring. It is everyone else’s obligation to provide the financial means necessary to implement this right. The ACA regulations proclaimed by President Obama’s executive action are the crucial legal mechanism by which these rights were realized. By allowing individuals to buy insurance that doesn’t pay for abortions this country has taken a major leap backward.”

Clintons Should Run Puerto Rico Relief Effort

Former presidential candidate and Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean criticized the Trump Administration’s handling of post-hurricane relief efforts for the island of Puerto Rico. While the federal government has delivered massive amounts of supplies to the island it has not been uniformly successful in getting them distributed to those in need. Part of the hang-up has been local politicians laying claim to supplies. Another part has been unions seeking higher pay for transporting the supplies locally.

Dean’s proposed solution: “let the Clinton Foundation take over from here. They have the know how and a demonstrated history of success. When Haiti was struck by an earthquake in 2010 the Foundation sprang into action and assisted this nation’s recovery.”

Whether Dean’s confidence in the Clinton Foundation is warranted seems dubious. The record in Haiti is not as glorious as Dean remembers. Funds raised in the name of “relief” were doled out to companies that made large donations to the Clinton Foundation. Very little was accomplished on behalf of people living in the 100,000 homes that were destroyed in the quake.

Dean insists that critics of the Clinton’s performance in Haiti “aren’t seeing the complete picture. Haiti is a third world Hell-hole run by crooked politicians. The expectation that the relief funds would trickle down to the little people is unrealistic. That a substantial portion of the donated money was channeled to major Democratic donors is an overlooked success. What I’m saying is that a similar level of success is possible in Puerto Rico if the right people are put in charge of the operation.”

In related news, now that the sexual crimes of one of her presidential campaign’s donors have burst into a national scandal, Hillary Clinton has promised to re-donate his contribution to charity. “Luckily, the Clinton Foundation is both a handy and reputable institution to which these ill-gotten gains can be redeployed,” she observed.

Carter Offers Self as “Human Shield”

This week, former US President Jimmy Carter offered himself to North Korea’s communist government to “act as a human shield against an attack by the Trump Administration” contending that “even a madman like Trump would surely pull back if he knew an innocent American’s life was at stake.”

Fortunately for the ex-president, North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un rebuffed the offer. “Our might is supreme,” Kim boasted. “We have no need for shields—human or otherwise. Mr. Carter, like all of my enemies, will die at a time and place of my choosing. Even those who to attempt to hide like my brother did will be found and killed by my unstoppable assassins.”

Twitter Blocks Candidate’s Mention of “Aborted Baby Parts”

A tweet from Rep. Marsha Blackburn (R-TN) that mentioned Planned Parenthood’s sales of aborted baby parts led to Twitter blocking a campaign ad in her bid for a US Senate seat in her state.

Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey labeled Blackburn’s tweet “inflammatory and likely to evoke a strong negative reaction. On the one hand, there’s the woman who already has to deal with the emotionally difficult decision to terminate her pregnancy. Awareness that her baby might be cannibalized and sold for parts like a junked car would add unnecessary trauma to that decision.”

“On the other hand, there is potential financial damage to Planned Parenthood,” Dorsey continued. “If the notion spreads that babies aborted in their facilities could be chopped up and sold instead of being incinerated as hazardous waste, women might stop seeking the procedure from Planned Parenthood’s doctors. We cannot in good conscience allow our network to be used to inflict this kind of damage on this vital organization.”

In related news, Apple’s Vice President of Diversity Denise Young Smith apologized for publicly suggesting that diversity of thought is important. The apology followed a storm of left-wing criticism of her earlier remarks asserting that skin color wasn’t the sole criteria for achieving diversity. “Last week I made some comments as part of a conversation on the many factors that contribute to diversity and inclusion,” she said.

“My comments were not representative of how I think about diversity or how Apple sees it. I’m sorry.”

Housing a “Necessary Right” Says Congresswoman

Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif) declared “it is everyone’s human right to have a suitable house to live in. Life, liberty and pursuit of happiness mean nothing if you don’t have a decent place to live.”

Waters demanded that Housing and Urban Development Secretary Ben Carson “implement a program that provides a house to everyone that needs it. For too long access to a decent home has depended on the ability of individuals to afford to pay for it and maintain it. This is an injustice when we have the means to solve this problem.”

Part of the Congresswoman’s reasoning cited “the fact that many rich people have more than one house or a bigger one than they need shows we have a housing surplus that could be redistributed or shared. We could take a big bite out of homelessness without having to spend any government money. If there are any homeless after the redistribution and sharing is put into effect then the government can build more and better than the crappy public project apartments that we foist on the poor. Why should they have to live in these crime infested slums?”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

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