State Department Warns Israel Not to Inconvenience Palestinians

By  John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnMark Toner, spokesman for the US State Department, issued a statement condemning the terrorist attack on a shopping mall that killed four Israelis, but simultaneously warned Israel to “not overreact.”

In an effort to beef up security in response to the attack, the Israeli government rescinded 83,000 permits for Palestinians to visit relatives in Israel during Ramadan and sent an additional 600 troops to the West Bank where they will man border checkpoints and conduct raids against suspected terrorists.

That four innocent shoppers were murdered is tragic, but we want to caution the Israeli government against taking measures that might inconvenience a far greater number of Palestinians,” Toner said. “The total time lost due to more stringent security checks on Palestinians who want to visit Israel could very easily dwarf the number of life-years lost by those slain in the attack. This would be a disproportionate response.”

The region has been an area of tensions since Jews appropriated formerly Muslim territory in 1948,” Toner contended. “That ended 1200 years of relative peace under Islamic rule. We cannot begrudge Muslim efforts to reestablish what might be considered a ‘golden age.’ We wish their methods were less violent, but we must not allow our prejudices against their methods to blind us to the merits of their cause.”

The murders were followed by widespread celebrations—including chanting, fireworks, and the waving of Palestinian flags in the West Bank. Hamas spokesman Hussam Badran praised the attack as “the fulfillment of first prophecy of Ramadan” and “evidence of the failure of Jewish occupation of Palestinian land.” Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas issued a confusing statement “rejecting attacks on civilians no matter how justified they may be in retaliation for continued Zionist incursions on what has historically been Muslim territory.”

In other State Department news, Toner defended the agency’s estimate that it would take 75 years to process and release all of former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s emails. “Look, everyone knows how unmotivated government workers are,” Toner reminded. “Getting a decent day’s work out of the slugs who clog the bureaucracy is next to impossible. So, I’d call 75 years an optimistic estimate. Obviously, the purposes to which access to these emails might serve would be a moot issue by the time the job is done. So why start?”

Bill Would Stop DOJ Funding Liberal Groups with Federal Money

Four Republican senators—James Lankford (Okla), Ted Cruz (Texas), and Utah’s Orrin Hatch and Mike Lee—have introduced legislation aimed at barring the Department of Justice from using settlement money to fund liberal interest groups.

Settlements obtained from banks found guilty for their role in inflating the mortgage bubble in 2008 ought to be used to compensate those damaged by these egregious practices,” Sen. Lankford said. “Instead, the Department of Justice has been funneling this money to favored liberal activists. This is a perversion of justice and an end run around the appropriations process.”

Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) belittled the proposed legislation, calling it “an exercise in futility. No Democrat will vote for this bill. The idea that money liberated from one element of the private sector ought to be paid back to another runs counter to our Party’s agenda. The so-called victims of the mortgage bubble made unwise decisions. How can we justify returning money to such feckless dupes? Using these settlements to endow organizations active in progressive causes makes more sense. Congress should not intervene.”

Sen. Hatch found Reid’s argument to be “outrageous. In effect, the DOJ is muscling in on the loot stolen by the banks and using it to finance cronies of the Administration. This is not justice. It compounds the initial crime and leaves the wrongs unremedied. Such flagrant lawlessness undermines the legitimacy of the federal government.”

Clinton Demands Trump Delete His Twitter Account

Democratic presidential aspirant Hillary Clinton demanded that Republican rival Donald Trump discontinue his twitter account. The demand followed Trump’s tweet mocking President Obama’s endorsement of Clinton’s candidacy. In the tweet, Trump wrote “Obama just endorsed Crooked Hillary. He wants four more years of Obama-but nobody else does!”

Trump’s tweet was disrespectful to President Obama and to me,” Hillary complained. “This is further proof that he lacks the temperament to be president. Those of us with experience in government know that there are certain things you just don’t say in public. One of those things is that you don’t call your opponent a crook without concrete proof. President Obama has reassured me that there will be no proof of any criminal wrongdoing against me released by the Department of Justice. So Trump calling me a crook is slander.”

On top of his vicious slander, Trump also uttered an unspeakable lie,” Hillary continued. “My selection as the Democratic candidate for president shows that millions of voters want four more years of President Obama’s policies. Clearly, Trump’s tweet is untrue and is hurtful toward a man who has done great things in office.”

As a candidate, I don’t expect Trump to voluntarily obey my request for him to delete his twitter account,” Hillary added. “However, once I am president one of the issues we will look into is better regulation against the type of abuse of free speech engaged in by people like Trump. Just because a person can tweet doesn’t mean he should be allowed to without facing a consequence for making unacceptable use of this technology.”

In related news, Press Secretary Josh Earnest insisted that the president’s endorsement of Clinton “will not sway the FBI investigation. The president doesn’t have to ‘sway‘ anything. He is in charge of the entire government. It will carry out whatever orders he gives. So, no, the president won’t be ‘swaying‘ the investigation.”

Ninth Circuit Court Repeals Second Amendment

This week the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals ruled that government has a right to decide who will and won’t be permitted to carry a concealed firearm. The ruling came in the case of Edward Peruta v. County of San Diego. The County denied Peruta and his fellow plaintiffs concealed carry permits on the grounds that they did not prove a need for them.

Writing for the majority, Judge Diarmuid O’Scannlain asserted that “under California law, police authorities are empowered to determine who shall be allowed to bear arms and for what reasons. The plaintiffs’ contention that personal self-defense was a sufficient reason for them to be armed was rejected by county law enforcement officials. Their argument that police cannot provide adequate protection emanates from an elevation of selfish individual concerns over the society’s welfare. The collective body of California citizens has seen fit to elect a government that made the decision to grant authority to local governments to allow or deny firearm privileges as they see fit.”

The very fact that these plaintiffs contested local authorities lends support to the decision not to issue permits,” O’Scannlain continued. “One of the main duties of government is to protect itself from those who it construes as potentially dangerous to this objective. The plaintiffs’ assertion that police cannot be relied upon to provide sufficient protection raises a measure of doubt as to whether these individuals are reliable citizens.”

Dissenting Judge Barry Silverman contended that “the California law clearly violates the Constitution’s Second Amendment which affirms that ‘the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.’ Having to ask permission of a government functionary to exercise this right eviscerates it. A state where the government has absolute control over who may or may not be armed is the very tyranny the Second Amendment was devised to prevent.”

Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton hailed the Court’s decision as “an encouraging step toward the attainment of a ‘gun-free’ society. We can make allowances for those who want to hunt to check guns out of a government armory much like a person can check out a book from a public library. There is no need for anyone to own his own gun. Once I’m president we’re going to make that happen.”

Gingrich Makes Self Available for VP Spot

Saying he “is putting the country ahead of partisanship,” former House Speaker Newt Gingrich announced his availability as a vice-presidential running mate “for either candidate.” Speculation about such a possibility heated up this week when Gingrich called Hillary Clinton’s speech after she clinched enough delegates for the Democratic presidential nomination “spectacular.” Earlier he had spoken favorably about GOP nominee Donald Trump.

Listening to Hillary the other night I realized what a strong candidate she is,” Gingrich said. “She’s got the experience and the gravitas that this country needs. That’s not to say that Donald Trump wouldn’t also be a good choice. He’s got a freshness and drive about him that offers people a sense of confidence in the future.”

Basically, I’m torn,” Gingrich lamented. “I’ve always been a Republican and would like to stay loyal to the Party. I could fill in the experience gap that Donald faces vs. Hillary if he puts me on the ticket with him. I think we’d make a great team. On the other hand, bipartisan tickets have had their place in American history. Lincoln, for example, chose a former Democrat as his first VP and another Democrat for his second term. If Hillary were to choose me it’d be one of the great pairings in our nation’s history.”

The former House Speaker admitted that “the decision, of course, is out of my hands. All I can do is offer my services on a ‘first-come, first-serve’ basis. It will come down to whoever is quicker on the draw. I’ll be standing by ready to answer whichever call comes first.”

Feds to Crackdown on Temporary Health Insurance

A clause in the Affordable Care Act (ACA) allows individuals who are between jobs to purchase temporary health insurance policies. The Department of Health and Human Services has announced it will change the rules to limit these policies to three months duration and ban renewals.

The problem with these policies according to Department of Health and Human Services Secretary Sylvia Burwell is “they fall short of the President’s vision for how Americans ought to be insured. These temporary plans don’t cover everything we think should be covered. Notably absent from most temporary coverage policies are items like gender reassignment surgery, mental health, and drugs. The President has been adamant that these items are crucial components of comprehensive health insurance.”

A possible additional incentive for people to purchase these temporary plans is that they are cheaper than Obamacare. For example, an ObamaCare Bronze plan with a $6,000 deductible costs $184 a month while a short-term plan with a $5,000 deductible costs only $58 a month.

Burwell called the cost comparison unfair. “This temporary insurance is focused solely on the individual’s needs as he or she perceives them. Obamacare is focused on society’s needs. A self-centered individual may not appreciate the benefits to others from a plan that overcharges him in order to cover the needs of others. Changing this mindset is one of the key objectives of the ACA. The rule changes we are implementing will help correct this mistaken way of thinking by forcing everyone to comply with the ACA’s mandated coverage.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.



Obama Says He’s Not a ‘Gun Grabber’

By  John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnIn response to an audience member’s concern that Democrats want to take guns away from law-abiding people, President Obama sought to reassure the man that his fears were exaggerated.

The notion that I, or Hillary or Democrats or whoever want to personally grab everyone’s guns is just not true,” he said. “I would never grab anyone’s gun, but I think we can all agree that there are some dangerous elements in our society who ought not to have them.”

What we need are sensible controls over who can and can’t have guns,” the president continued. “Who can better make this determination than law enforcement authorities? Police have to deal with the criminal population on a daily basis. Surely we can trust their judgment. I don’t see anything wrong with individuals having to prove to police their need to be personally armed before they are granted permission to have a firearm.”

The president rebuffed the argument that the high homicide rate in Chicago—a city with extremely strict control over gun ownership—undermines the “gun control” model he holds out as the solution. “Clearly, too many people are getting shot in my hometown,” Obama admitted. “What that tells me is that the controls that exist are insufficient. Obviously, stronger measures are called for. At a minimum we need to know where all the guns are. A universal registration database would enable us to move quickly to disarm those we deem a threat.”

There have been more guns sold since I’ve been president than just about any time in U.S. History,” Obama observed. “This is the exact opposite of what I would have liked to see happen. I regret not taking the actions necessary to have prevented this arms race.”

Thugs Attack Trump Supporters, Mayor Blames Candidate

Attendees of a Donald Trump presidential rally in San Jose, California were set upon and beaten by anti-Trump “protesters” this past week. Mayor Sam Liccardo blamed the candidate.

I personally would never physically attack a political opponent,” Liccardo reassured. “But neither am I ready to absolve Trump for his role in provoking the violence. California was once part of Mexico before it was illegally seized by the United States in 1848. Donald Trump hasn’t denounced this thievery. To the contrary, he has stridently threatened to eject Mexicans who are trying to repatriate this territory.”

San Jose is a sanctuary city,” Liccardo pointed out. “We have promised immigrants that they are safe here. By coming here and flaunting his anti-Mexican views Trump has threatened their safety. It should not be surprising that some of them would try to fight back. The injuries suffered by Trump’s supporters could’ve been avoided if he had stayed in his own country.”

Liccardo said he was thankful that “this whole Trump thing will be just a short-lived phenomenon. Hillary Clinton will put an end to it in the November election. She will bestow voting rights on Mexican immigrants and they will peacefully reestablish Mexican sovereignty over the stolen land.”

In related news, George Mason University professor David Alpher warned that “Trump supporters are worse than ISIS and al-Qaeda. These Islamic terrorists pose no significant threat to our government. Trump, on the other hand, could, with the support of a sufficient number of voters, seize control of our government. This is what we progressives must unite against and do everything in our power to prevent.”

Administration “Not Disappointed” with Job Numbers

Though the Bureau of Labor Statistics report for May showed an anemic 38,000 new jobs were created during the month and a record 94,708,000 Americans were not in the labor force, Obama Administration Press Secretary Josh Earnest insisted that “we are not disappointed with these numbers.”

Those who can’t grasp the president’s goals for the transformation of this country harp on the point that 38,000 new jobs are far too few to accommodate this country’s monthly 200,000 population increase,” Earnest complained. “Likewise, they see the expansion of the contingent not in the workforce as a negative. They’ve got it exactly backwards. The President sees these figures as proof of progress.”

Work is a disutility,” Earnest explained. “People only do it because they have to. If they could get everything they want without having to work that would be ideal. Well, the president’s program has made this possible for more people than ever before in our history. A better way of looking at the numbers is to see that fewer than 20 percent of the additional 200,000 persons in the population will be forced to take jobs. More than 80 percent are spared this fate. Nearly 95 million Americans are now freed from the rat race. The president is proud of this achievement.”

Proud as the president may be, he realizes there is still much work to be done,” Earnest added. “Sadly, more than 62 percent of the adult population are still employed. This is an improvement over the nearly 66 percent in this predicament at the start of the president’s first term. But the gains have been painfully slow and could easily be reversed if current policies aren’t continued in the next administration, as seems likely if the GOP retakes the White House.”

Albright: “No Proof Clinton Emails Hurt Anyone”

Former Clinton Administration Secretary of State Madeleine Albright suggested that the inquiry into Hillary Clinton’s email practices during her tenure as Obama’s Secretary of State “has gone far enough.”

Okay, she made a mistake and some laws may have been broken, but there’s no proof that the way she handled her email has hurt anyone,” Albright contended. “It’s time for the persecution of this great American to end.”

The possibility that Hillary’s unsecured emails containing classified material might have been hacked and, thereby, exposed covert operatives to potentially fatal risk was brushed aside. “There’s no definitive proof that her emails were hacked,” Albright argued. “Even if there were there would be no way to tell if the deaths of any US assets were the result of such a breach or due to other causes. Who knows for sure whether it was Hillary’s careless handling of his communications regarding the gun-running operation or a video insulting Islam that caused the attack that led to Ambassador Stevens’ death?”

While Albright remains confident that no harm was done, federal records reveal that Hillary Clinton posted and shared the names of concealed U.S. intelligence officials on her unprotected email system. State Department spokeswoman Nicole Thompson said the Department “has no comment on this matter. Some of those in a position to know say they do not recall. Others have asserted their Fifth Amendment right against self-incrimination.”

Albright said she was much more concerned about the danger of Donald Trump becoming president. “He’s completely outside the mainstream of foreign policy thinking,” she asserted. “He doesn’t see the need to confront Russia. He criticized President Obama’s deal with Iran. He demands that other countries pay the United States for the cost of defending them. No one else shares these views. If he is elected the last 20 years of US foreign policy could be completely undone. That would be dangerous.”

In related news, the State Department professed itself to be at a dead-end regarding who authorized lying to the media about the Iran nuclear deal. Spokesman Mark Toner admitted that “obviously, someone told the video technician to delete that information from the briefing, but no one will own up to doing it.” State Department Press Secretary Jen Psaki may have come closest to an admission by suggesting “there are times when diplomacy needs privacy in order to progress.”

Convicted Felon Backed by Obama AG

President Obama and Attorney General Loretta Lynch have joined former director of the Phoenix VA Medical Center Sharon Helman’s suit against wrongful termination. Helman was fired in 2014 following the nationwide VA scandal that erupted after it came to light that veterans were dying while waiting for care at the facilities she oversaw. She was also subsequently convicted of a felony after pleading guilty to accepting bribes.

Despite this blemished performance in her job, Helman is now contending that her firing was too hasty. Lynch agreed, saying that “the 21-day limit for filing an appeal of the firing was too short a time. Typically, the whole process of reviewing a government employee’s status takes months or even years. This is the standard that employees like Ms. Helman had come to expect. The legislation passed in 2014 expediting the process overturned these expectations and is, therefore, unconstitutional.”

Sen. Johnny Isakson (R-Ga), chairman of the Senate Committee on Veterans’ Affairs, characterized Lynch’s claim as “creative fiction. There is nothing in the Constitution that says a government employee’s job status is immune to changes in legislation. Just because these bureaucrats have imagined themselves to be entitled to perpetual employment doesn’t make it a right. For the Administration to side with this miscreant is an outrage.”

Bill Would Criminalize Undercover Filming at Abortion Facilities

California State Assemblyman Jimmy Gomez (D-Los Angeles) is sponsoring legislation that would criminalize undercover reporting of misdeeds occurring at abortion facilities. The bill A.B. 1671, imposes penalties of up to a year behind bars and/or a $2,500 fine for a first offense.

Abortion is an endorsed practice in this state,” Gomez said. “We need to protect its providers from harassment by those who oppose it.”

Gomez cited “the horrendous invasion of privacy perpetrated by the Center for Medical Progress’ undercover videos of Planned Parenthood’s negotiations for the sale of baby parts as the primary inspiration for this legislation. The contention that these sales were illegal doesn’t justify the despicable methods used to expose this great organization to unwanted publicity and potential prosecution.”

The actions of the Center for Medical Progress have already had a ‘chilling effect’ on the industry,” the Assemblyman warned. “If we do not act an incalculable number of unwanted children could be born to who knows what cumulative destructive consequence.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.


President Suggests Hillary’s Email ‘a Matter for Voters to Decide’

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnIrritated that the media would dare to pose a question about the legality of former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s unsecured email communications, President Obama refused to comment, suggesting that “whether she did anything that was really wrong is a matter for voters to decide. And from what I’ve seen so far, she’s on her way to securing the Democratic nomination for president. I think that says the majority of Americans are okay with how she’s handled it.”

The media’s unwelcome inquiry was spurred by an 83-page State Department Inspector General’s report calling Clinton’s email operation an “inexcusable and willful disregard of the rules. Contrary to the Secretary’s public statements, her use of a private server was not ‘allowed’ as she has alleged. It was in direct violation of State Department regulations that the Secretary had previously cited in issuing punishments to lower-ranking violators. There is no record of her receiving a valid exemption from these regulations from any higher-ranking authority.”

A key piece of evidence in the IG’s report cited Secretary Clinton’s warning to all State Department personnel that “personal email accounts could be compromised and officials should avoid conducting official Department business from personal e-mail accounts.”

Among the classified information showing up in the Secretary’s unsecured email was long-time Clinton family confidant Sid Blumenthal’s message urging Hillary “to expedite the overthrow of Libya’s Mohamar Qadaffi before his scheme of establishing a 7-billion dollar fund of gold-backed dinars undercuts the U.S. government’s ability to control the oil industry.” The overthrow was expedited. Qadaffi was murdered and the country thrown into a chaos that later resulted in the assassination of US Ambassador Christopher Stevens in 2012.

Clinton campaign manager Robbie Mook denounced the IG report, calling it “as gross an invasion of privacy that any public figure has had to endure. The staff that were under Secretary Clinton’s direction were instructed to never speak to anyone, ever, on the topic of her private email account. That some of these staffers have talked to the Inspector General is a betrayal of the first magnitude. Those undertaking the tasks of governing this country need to know that their orders are heeded and obeyed. Sad to say, the Secretary’s orders on this matter were neither heeded nor obeyed. We’re confident that voters will correct this injustice by electing Hillary president in November.”

In related news, Judge Emmett Sullivan ordered that videos of Clinton aides’ testimony on the email scandal “be sealed so as not to unduly diminish Secretary Clinton’s chance of being elected president. If we want the best and brightest of Americans to seek and obtain the reins of power we need to protect them from excessive intrusion into their efforts to serve the public.” Judge Sullivan said he would allow “written transcripts to be released to the media” in order to “deflect charges of a ‘cover-up.’ The written word is a format with which the vast majority are not adept. Officially, the information will be available, but few will read it.”

Professor Resigns to Protest Freedom of Speech

Contending that “so-called free speech is delusional,” DePaul University sociology professor Dr. Shu-Ju Cheng has resigned her post in protest.

The event that spurred Dr. Cheng’s protest was the aborted speech of Milo Yiannopolis on the uiversity’s campus last week. Despite paying the university for security, student thugs were permitted to seize the stage and disrupt the speech. Cheng was outraged, not that thugs were allowed to drown out views with which they disagreed, but that Yiannopolis was invited “to air his anti-progressive message.”

The whole concept of freedom of speech is an antiquated idea derived from dead white men,” Cheng contended. “The University has a social obligation to protect students from exposure to such intellectual pollution. No one has the right to speak out against progressive ideas. No one has the right to oppose social justice. The University’s negligence in enforcing correct ideology forced the champions of progressive thought to violently suppress an odious advocate of racist oppression.”

Cheng rejected University officials’ arguments that “the disruption of Yiannopolis’ speech and the confiscation of his $1,000 security deposit” could be an acceptable middle ground. “There can be no compromise with the advocates of ‘white freedoms.’ Merely making them suffer a little bit falls far short of what should be our goal. Only when the enemies of social justice are crushed beneath a righteous wave of revolutionary action can we afford to relax our efforts.”

In related news, MSNBC pundit Chris Matthews praised violent anti-Trump protesters for “rising to the occasion. The prospect of a Trump presidency has got to be terrifying for these outcasts of white society. Just because they lack the skill to articulate their grievances in a civilized fashion doesn’t lessen the importance or legitimacy of their cause. In a way, cracking heads can be a very forceful way to change people’s minds.”

Iowa Supreme Court Bans Life Imprisonment for Teen Killers

In a 4-3 ruling, the Iowa Supreme Court banned lower courts from imposing life sentences for murders committed by teen-aged offenders. The ruling came in the case of Isaiah Richard Sweet, who was convicted of two counts of first-degree murder for fatally shooting his grandparents.

Justice Brent Appel wrote that “a life sentence for a crime such as this is disproportionate. The victims were old and fairly close to a natural death. For their grandson to be sentenced to a life term that could easily amount to multiple decades is a punishment that I believe the victims themselves would have deemed excessive and cruel.”

Appel also suggested that “completely neutralizing this segment of the population may have unforeseen long-term effects. Science has found uses for viruses that were not conceived of in earlier periods. Who is to say that there may not be a genuine need that teen-aged murderers might perform for the benefit of the human race in the future? Perhaps their winnowing of the human herd by eliminating the weak or the gullible is a useful element in the further evolution of the species.”

Dissenting Justice Edward Mansfield called the ruling “a usurpation of legislative authority. Elected representatives made the law that allowed for these kinds of sentences on a case-by-case basis. The court has overstepped its bounds issuing a blanket cancellation of the act of the voters’ representatives.” Dissenting Justice Bruce Zage characterized the ruling as “judicial activism at its worst.”

Law Would Let FBI Read Everyone’s Email

The 2017 Intelligence Authorization Act would enable the FBI to obtain anyone’s email records without a court order. All the agency would need is a National Security Letter, which would allow the FBI get information from companies without their customers knowing they were being investigated. The bill is co-sponsored by Senate Intelligence Committee Chairman Richard Burr (R-NC) and Vice Chairman Dianne Feinstein (D-Calif).

If we want the government to protect us we must let go of our obsession with personal privacy,” Sen. Feinstein urged. “The police are consummate professionals, not nosy busybodies. Unless you’re doing something wrong you have nothing to fear.”

Sen. Ron Wyden (D-Ore), the lone dissenting voice on the 15-member Senate committee, said he wasn’t reassured by “the bland assumption that government can do no evil. History is replete with incidences of government spying on its citizens for the purpose of repressing dissent and accumulating power. Under our Constitution the Fifth Amendment was expressly intended to require a dispassionate judge to assess the justification before police officials were granted permission to intrude into private matters.”

Sen. Burr wondered whether “Sen. Wyden might be unduly paranoid. Doesn’t the bipartisan sponsorship of this legislation provide sufficient reassurance of its benevolent intent?” and suggested that “the numerous examples of illegal intrusion into private affairs by government agencies has shown itself to be unacceptably dangerous. Giving these intrusions a statutory foundation will protect government employees from unnecessary impediments to their law-enforcement duties and undesirable repercussions from breaking the law.”

VA Waits for Ailing Vets “Not So Bad”

This week, Secretary of Veterans Affairs Robert McDonald rebuffed critics of the agency’s long queues for medical treatment of ailing veterans, comparing them to the long lines to get on rides at Disneyland. “No one is on the Disney Corporation’s case for the lengthy wait-times at their theme parks,” McDonald asserted. “Why should we get worked up over wait-times at VA hospitals?”

You know, if people can tolerate waiting an hour for something as frivolous as a roller coaster ride shouldn’t they be willing to wait a reasonable amount of time for something as crucial as medical care?” the Secretary asked. “As every vet should be aware from his combat experience, sometimes you have to wait for the medic to get to you. Sometimes he can’t get there in time. It’s all part of the risk that each soldier took on when he enlisted.”

McDonald further insisted that “the veterans trying to get care at the VA are the lucky ones. They made it back. The unlucky ones died on the battlefield. I think it’s time for the survivors to count their blessings and stop whining about what, in the grander scheme of things, is really their good fortune.”

In related news, Reps. Joe Kennedy III (D-Mass) and Bobby Scott (D-Va) have introduced the “Do No Harm Act” in Congress. The bill bars anyone from using a religious objection to decline to perform or participate in a medical procedure mandated by the government. “The health of everyone is of vital concern to the government,” Kennedy declared. “No one should be allowed to interfere with the implementation of this responsibility. For example, under our bill, no doctor or health care facility could refuse to perform an abortion requested by a patient. Likewise, no patient could refuse to undergo an abortion if it is determined to be necessary. We need to get past the notion that health is a personal matter. The collective well-being of the whole has got to take precedence over selfish individual prejudices. Our bill will achieve that.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Sen. McCain in Lockstep with Obama on Drafting Women for Combat

By Tony Perkins, President
Family Research Council

After the last seven and a half years, it’s safe to say that the greatest threat to our military is the administration in charge of it. The legacy of the Obama administration will not be advancing the war against global jihad, but rather advancing the culture war — which started with the toppling of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” and continued on to the latest phase of the military’s sexual revolution: open transgenderism and opening the draft to women. In this administration, gender isn’t just being redefined in bathrooms, but on battlefields, where this president seems all too content to assign America’s wives and daughters to the most dangerous ground combat units in the world.

And unfortunately, he’s had plenty of help. In the Senate, where members are debating the National Defense Authorization Act (NDAA), Navy veteran John McCain (R-Ariz.) gave the effort a helping hand by including an amendment into the bill from three female Republicans, Senators Kelly Ayotte (N.H.), Joni Ernst (Iowa), and Deb Fischer (Nebr.), that would require women to register for selective service — a decision that even his primary challenger couldn’t believe. Dr. Kelli Ward, who’s trying to unseat the longtime senator, is already making McCain’s position a campaign issue. Like most parents, she can’t imagine a nation ordering her child to war. “I have a 20-year-old daughter, Katie, and when I think of her being forced to go into combat, especially in the Middle East against the barbarians who are there. Who are basically salivating at the prospect of getting their hands on our young women… I have no qualms about women who want to volunteer and who want to go and do whatever they want to do in our military — but to force them to a draft is unacceptable in my opinion.”

As a father of three girls, I couldn’t agree more. I will support my daughters if they decide to serve in the military, but I will not stand by if the government tries to draft them in the military. What does it say about a nation that sends its mothers and daughters to fight its battles?

In part, this is all the unfortunate byproduct of opening infantry and other front line positions to women, which Defense Secretary Ash Carter approved earlier this year over the objections of military leaders. When the DOD removes the barriers to women serving in all positions, it removes most barriers to drafting them as well. And while some senators seem either oblivious to the risks or too frightened to fight the political correctness, plenty of conservatives are standing up to the members of both parties who want to use our military as the laboratory for social change.

“I cannot in good conscience vote to draft our daughters into the military, sending them off to war, and forcing them into combat,” Senator Ted Cruz (R-Texas) argued. Together with Senator Mike Lee (R-Utah), Cruz is doing everything he can to strip the language out of the high chamber’s NDAA. He’ll have the support of more than six dozen conservative leaders, veterans, and activists — including FRC’s Lt. Gen. Jerry Boykin (U.S. Army-Ret.). In a letter representing hundreds of thousands of American families, the group urged every member of the Senate to join Mike Lee in pushing back on the real war on women.

“We strongly support the heroic, capable, and honorable women who choose and will serve our country in the military…” the group writes. “There are exceptional women who are capable of meeting or exceeding the combat standards put forth by each branch. We support them as we do all individuals willing to put their lives on the line for the greatest nation in the history of the world. However, the female draft discussion should revolve around combat readiness, efficiency, and national security, and weeding through applicants that are overwhelmingly biologically unable to meet combat standards would be a logistical nightmare and would force the lowering of combat standards. The capabilities of these rare women should not mean all appropriately aged women are involuntarily eligible for combat.”

Not to mention, they write, “Women are not clamoring for this ‘opportunity.’ Only 15 percent of our active-duty military forces are women. We find it demeaning to suggest that women who have instead chosen to serve our nation in other civilian roles — such as manufacturing, commerce, medicine or even caring for their children — are not contributing to our nation. They are indeed!” At the very least, this issue deserves to be a standalone bill, debated out in the open after a thorough and transparent review. Congress needs to decide: Is the military’s goal to be the great societal equalizer — or the most lethal fighting force in the world? Contact Republican Senators Kelly Ayotte (202-224-3324), Joni Ernst (202-224-3254), and Deb Fischer (202-224-6551), and let them know that it’s one thing for our daughters to choose to fight and quite another to force them to.

Arizona Joins in Federal Lawsuit against Obama’s Mandate Putting Children at Risk

Attorney General Mark Brnovich and Arizona Superintendent of Public Instruction Diane Douglas today announced that they have joined nine other states in a federal lawsuit to challenge President Obama’s mandate requiring all public K-12 schools to open up boys’ and girls’ locker rooms and restrooms to students of the opposite sex, based on student perceptions of their “gender identity.”

Since the president has threatened to deny federal funding to all schools that object to this outrageous decree,  Arizona has joined Texas, Alabama, Louisiana, Maine, Oklahoma, Tennessee, Utah, West Virginia and Wisconsin in a lawsuit filed in the United States Court for the Northern District of Texas. The lawsuit is focused on who should set these sensitive policies – the federal government via executive order or states and local school districts. The challenge seeks declaratory relief against a number of federal agencies in order to block the implementation of the administration’s unconstitutional interpretation of the law. The Heber-Overgaard Unified School District has also joined the state’s lawsuit as a plaintiff.

“President Obama has no business setting locker room and restroom policies for our schools,” said Attorney General Brnovich. “Deciding how to protect our children and preserve their privacy, while balancing these complicated issues, is best done locally and not by some knee-jerk decree from Washington.”

“When Arizona students attend school, they deserve a safe environment that is free from bullying and discrimination, regardless of their gender identity,” said Superintendent Douglas. “I know that our districts and schools have policies in place to ensure that is the case. The fact that the federal government has yet again decided that it knows what is best for every one of our local communities is insulting and, quite frankly, intolerable.”

On May 13th, the president issued so-called “significant guidance” to K-12 schools nationwide detailing how transgender students should be granted access to Title IX facilities including restrooms, locker rooms, and showers. The guidance came with the threat of withholding federal funding if schools are found by the U.S. Department of Education and U.S. Department of Justice to be out of compliance.

Debate on Pot Legalization Heats up in California

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnThe debate over a California initiative to legalize recreational marijuana sparked heated rejoinders from both sides this week.

Rep. Dana Rohrabacher (R) suggested that legalization “will better deploy law enforcement resources. Energy that is now put into harassing inoffensive users of marijuana can be redirected toward suppressing more serious crimes like rape and murder.”

Leading opponent of legalization, Ventura Police Chief Ken Corney, president of the California Police Chiefs Association, challenged the Congressman “to name one so-called rape or murder victim who might otherwise have been spared if police officers weren’t occupied enforcing our drug laws.”

“Potheads like to portray dope smoking as a harmless activity, but its impacts are insidious and long lasting,” Corney maintained. “The harm to society is more pervasive than the more isolated rape or murder. Saving an entire generation from addiction and its ill-effects strikes me as more important than a futile effort to save the relatively few impacted by these other crimes, especially since the vast majority of police action on these comes after-the-fact. The true choice is between us basically ‘cleaning up’ after a rape or murder vs. proactively intervening to modify self-destructive behavior across a broader cohort of the population.”

Rohrabacher characterized Corney’s stance as “an example of the nanny-state at its worst. Misguided do-gooders once thought that using police to prevent people from ruining their lives by consuming alcohol was appropriate. Most now recognize what a mistake that was as it fueled the rise of notorious gangsters like Al Capone during Prohibition. Our modern-day repetition of that mistake with attempts to suppress marijuana provide the environment for violent drug-smuggling gangsters and the mayhem they inflict on communities across the nation.”

Zuckerberg Denies Suppressing Conservative News

Reports that Facebook moderators routinely suppress trending news favorable to conservatives were vigorously denied by CEO Mark Zuckerberg, who claimed “I don’t even know who the leaders of the conservative movement are. So how can I or my employees be biased against them?”

This is the second display of ideological bias to issue from Zuckerberg this year. Earlier, the Facebook executive berated employees for abusing a company-granted “freedom-of-expression” policy to write “all lives matter” on a wall devoted to free expression in the company’s Melo Park, California headquarters. “I could not allow the insensitivity toward the ‘Black lives matter’ meme to sneak in under the protection of so-called ‘freedom of speech,’” Zuckerberg explained. “Freedom must be used responsibly and appropriately. No one has the right to utter opinions that are hurtful to others.”

Zuckerberg offered to “meet with alleged leaders of the conservative moment, if there are any of reputable stature, to discuss whatever objections they may raise to the way I run my company. However, this should not be construed as a capitulation to demands that I modify my policies. Facebook will never become a haven for anti-social and anti-progressive elements to air their perverted views.”

President Decrees New Nationwide School Restroom & Locker Room Law

In a bid aimed at “stopping a confusing patchwork of divergent rules,” President Obama issued an executive order mandating that every public school in the United States make all previously sexually-segregated restrooms and locker rooms open to persons of both sexes. Instead of relying on biological differences to determine which toilets, which showers, or which athletic teams students should have access to, schools must now use psychological differences. Biological males who think of themselves as female must be allowed to use facilities previously restricted to biological females, and vice versa.

Vanita Gupta, head of the Justice Department’s Civil Rights Division hailed the President’s action as “the final blow against the last barrier to a fully non-discriminatory society. This erases the false notion that biology is destiny. The presence or absence of physical attributes has for too long shunted individuals into roles they may not wish to accept. The President’s order frees everyone to be whoever or whatever they want to be.”

Gupta said she was “confident we will get universal compliance. Billions of dollars in federal aid to education can be withheld from school districts that refuse to obey the President’s decree. The price of archaic attachment to out-dated ideas will be too steep for financially strapped schools to pay.”

Judge Blocks Restitution to Innocent Man

Guillermo Espinoza’s efforts to retrieve $19,894 seized by Arkansas State Police were brought to an abrupt halt by Judge Chris Williams. State prosecutors asked that the money be returned to Espinoza since no criminal charges were being pursued against him. Williams rejected this request on the grounds that Espinoza had missed the 10-day deadline for filing the papers to initiate restitution.

As Williams sees it, “the rules on civil forfeiture are clearly spelled out in statute. Whether or not Mr. Espinoza was or wasn’t engaged in any illegal activity is irrelevant. Arkansas law gives the government the right to seize assets it deems may have a connection to a crime. Even if that connection turns out to be illusory, the procedure for reclaiming the seized assets is specified. Mr. Espinoza failed to adhere to that procedure. Thus, the State cannot return the money to him.”

“The civil forfeiture statute is not inextricably tied to the fate of any criminal investigation or prosecution,” Williams pointed out. “Over the history of this statute it has transferred over $80 million into the state treasury. Acquiring revenues is also a legitimate function of government. For me to deviate from the civil forfeiture statute in pursuit of some notion of judicial fairness would abrogate this important revenue-raising function of the law. That is beyond my powers as a judge.”

As an aside, the Judge speculated that “it is by no means certain that the public good would be better served by according Mr. Espinoza a just resolution of his case. The private uses to which he might put the money might easily be eclipsed by the public good that can be done by having the State spend that money on purposes of broader social benefit to all Arkansans.”

White House Dismisses Court Ruling on Obamacare

Federal Judge Rosemary Collyer’s ruling that the Obama Administration has been illegally subsidizing health insurance companies failed to faze the President or his minions.

Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest mocked “the impotence of the President’s political opponents. These court cases are an act of desperation. The GOP has lost this battle in the public arena. Voters reelected President Obama. That gives him all the mandate he needs to govern this country. Complaining that Congress never appropriated the money for the subsidies seeks to elevate a constitutional technicality above the will of voters.”

The “constitutional technicality” that Judge Collyer found persuasive in her ruling was from Article I, section 9: “No Money shall be drawn from the Treasury, but in Consequence of Appropriations made by Law.”

Earnest contended that “a president’s executive action is, effectively, a lawmaking power. President Obama has used this power to bypass Congress’s refusal to carry out its responsibility to fully fund the Affordable Care Act. The President has said on numerous occasions that he will take action if Congress fails to do so. This is one of those occasions. He feels confident that this Judge’s ruling will be overturned by a higher court.”

“The stodgy old ‘separation of powers’ dogma is an impediment to efficient government,” Earnest added. “Each branch of government should be considered an alternate option for moving the country forward. Sometimes Congress may be the best option. Other times the Courts or the President may be. The crucial thing is to keep us on track for the advancement of progressive values and social justice. Since this is what President Obama has been doing for the last seven years there is no good reason for him to stop, no matter what anyone says.”

NYC Mayor Orders Bars to Serve Pregnant Women

New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio banned bars operating in the city from refusing to serve alcohol to pregnant women. This is despite virtually universal medical advice against the consumption of alcohol by expectant mothers.

The Mayor said he is “cognizant of the damage that might be done to an unborn child if its mother imbibes, but the possibility of harm is not a sufficient reason for a business establishment to discriminate against these women. Under New York’s laws a woman has an unconstrained right to kill her unborn child if she so chooses. The less extreme option of merely damaging the child’s health by consuming alcohol is also her prerogative.”

De Blasio cautioned that his new edict “does not absolve bar owners from posting warnings about the dangers of birth defects from alcohol consumption by pregnant women, nor from being sued by any customers whose child may experience these defects. We are protecting the right of women to pursue happiness. We are not immunizing vendors from bearing the responsibility for the consequences to customers who consume their products.”

Clinton Foundation Scandals Pooh-Poohed by Insider

Bill Allison, a senior fellow at the Sunlight Foundation, a government watchdog group, labeled the so-called charity “a slush fund for the Clintons. Only a small fraction of the money raised is distributed as aid. The vast bulk of the money is used on administration, travel, salaries and bonuses, with the fattest payouts going to family friends.”

Clinton Foundation spokesman Craig Minassian asserted that “no laws have been broken. How any charitable trust spends the funds it receives is a matter of discretion. The donors all gave voluntarily. They wanted the Clinton family to have this money. We haven’t heard any complaints from them.”

One possible explanation for the absence of some complaints was that the governments of Algeria, Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, the United Arab Emirates, Oman and Qatar from which donations were obtained all got Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s approval to purchase $165 billion worth of armaments despite being ruled by authoritarian regimes guilty of numerous human rights abuses.

Minassian contended that the arms deals “were good for American businesses” and that “extracting cash from Middle Eastern dictatorships in order to pay for the salaries and perks enjoyed by Foundation employees is a good thing. Donald Trump charges Hillary with being crooked, but even he has got to be envious of the alchemy she has achieved via the synergistic combination of her public and private power.”

In related news, the hedge fund run by Chelsea Clinton’s husband Marc Mezvinsky suffered a catastrophic 90% loss. Mezvinsky issued a statement aimed at reassuring the general public that “neither the beloved former First Daughter nor I will experience any financial setbacks from this debacle. My commissions have already been collected and our assets are insulated from attachment. Our $10 million home is safe and our lifestyle will not be negatively affected.”

London Mayor Endorses Hillary, Warns against Electing Trump

Recently elected London Mayor Sadiq Khan formally endorsed Hillary Clinton for president and warned that “her Republican opponent’s ignorant anti-Muslim views will bring retribution.”

“The gift of Islam is free for the taking,” Khan said. “All are welcome to join the umma. Those who wish to remain unbelievers are free to do so, but they must show proper respect toward the one true religion. Mr. Trump’s proposal to ban Muslims from coming to America is disrespectful. Allah has given the world to Muslims. It is not for any unbeliever to say where Muslims may or may not go.”

Khan predicted that “any attempt to impede Muslim travel to America will invite attack. The Quran only binds Muslims to peaceful relations with unbelievers who accept their submission to Islamic law and pay the jizya. By announcing a policy of resistance Mr. Trump puts all Americans at risk.”

The Mayor advised citizens of the United States “to elect a person who understands the only peaceful way for Muslims and non-Muslims to interact. Secretary Clinton, in my opinion, is such a person. Voters should cast their ballots for her as if their lives depended upon it.”

Trump campaign spokesperson Katrina Pierson welcomed the Mayor’s comments saying “they help clarify the stakes of this election. The fact that a so-called ‘moderate’ Muslim is so quick to raise the threat of violence supports Donald’s advice of caution about who we allow into this country. At a very fundamental level, keeping out people who may believe they have a religious right or obligation to kill you seems like common sense.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

ACLU Bemoans Court’s Pro-Choice Decision

 By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnThis week Nevada District Judge Eric Johnson dismissed the ACLU’s case against the state’s school choice law. A change to Nevada statutes creating an education savings account (ESA) program that permits students and their parents to choose how to be educated was the source of the ACLU’s ire.

Author of the legislation, State Sen. Scott Hammond (R-Las Vegas) said his aim was “to enable families to completely customize their child’s educational experience, and ensure students can match education options and providers to their unique learning needs.” These accounts can be used to pay for private school tuition, online learning, special education services and therapies, textbooks, curricula, private tutors, and any other education-related service, product, or provider.

Under this ill-conceived law state funds for education can be used in any manner seen fit by parents or their children,” complained ACLU spokesman Bertram Petty. “The legislature has heedlessly granted freedom to the uninformed. Neither parents nor students are qualified to decide such matters. Only the public school system has the expertise needed to guide each student toward the proper educational outcome.”

While the ACLU’s case was dismissed by one judge, another—Judge James Wilson of the First Judicial District Court of Nevada (Carson City)–issued an injunction preventing the funding of the more than 4,000 ESA’s requested and awarded under the statute. Petty praised Wilson’s action, calling it “a crucial bulwark against diverting state resources into unregulated private hands. The State has gone through an arduous process of extracting these funds from the private sector. We must not allow this money to be frittered away via the ignorant choices of parents and students.”

Senator Aims to Redefine “Violent Crimes”

New Jersey Democratic Sen. Cory Booker is seeking a redefinition of “violent crimes.” As a co-sponsor of the Sentencing Reform and Corrections Act of 2015 (SRCA), Booker is urging “a candid conversation about how we determine whether crimes are violent or not.”

For too long a racist mindset has dominated how we look at crime,” Booker charged. “In white society stabbing or shooting someone is considered abnormal and violent. This unfairly stigmatizes Black culture. Sentencing a minority offender based on white standards disproportionately impacts a vibrant segment of society.”

Booker urged that “we recognize the longer term history of racial oppression in this country and factor that into how we think about modern society. For hundreds of years Blacks were owned by whites and were brutally abused. This inculcated a predisposition to look to violence and brutality as normal tools for securing obedience and exploiting others. Is it any wonder that this would have negative repercussions today?”

The Senator recommended that “we cut the brothers some slack if the victim of his so-called violent act is a descendant of a former oppressor. This would be a kind of non-monetary reparation for crimes committed against his ancestors—a sort of social justice self-defense that ought to mitigate the punishment meted out to the brothers for taking unauthorized independent steps to right earlier wrongs.”

Both Democratic presidential contenders called Booker’s thinking “innovative” and “long overdue.” Sen. Bernie Sanders pronounced himself “an admirer of street justice that moves us closer to the redistribution of society’s wealth and privileges.” Hillary Clinton promised “it will be an approach that my Attorney General will take in all cases that come under federal purview and will guide my selections of future Supreme Court appointees.”

In related news, California’s decriminalization of shoplifting has been followed by a 100% increase in the practice. Gov. Jerry Brown professed not to be bothered by the phenomenon, cautioning that “we not jump to the conclusion that these guerrilla transfers of ownership are necessarily unjust. If we were to use need as our scale, it is by no means clear that shoplifting doesn’t result in a more equitable distribution of wealth.”

CPUSA Pledges to Support Democrat for President

The Communist Party of the United States (CPUSA) has enthusiastically endorsed “comrade Bernie Sanders as the progressive choice to complete the socialist revolution in America,” but pledged its “support for whoever emerges with the Democratic Party’s presidential nomination.”

John Bachtell, national chair of the CPUSA expressed his “pleasure with the progressive evolution of the Democratic Party. The Communist agenda has been totally absorbed by this mainstream Party. President Obama has taken this country further down the road than we could ever have hoped to do on our own. Although Bernie has been a long-time member of the revolutionary movement, Secretary Clinton’s promise to continue the policies of Obama give her enough credibility to be an acceptable second choice.”

We had feared that it would take decades for us to realize our objectives of abolishing private property and eliminating traditional Judeo-Christian values that oppress alternative lifestyles,” Bachtell said. “But the massive voter support for Sanders and Clinton shows we are on the cusp of triumph. The extermination of greed and the age of absolute equality are now only one election away.”

Bachtell boasted that “we are especially elated by the peaceful acquisition of power that is at hand. Unlike Lenin or Mao we haven’t had to engage in armed conflict to overthrow the government. The expropriation of the expropriators will be attained by the freely given votes of the American electorate. By January of 2017, the armed forces and police will be under the control of a progressive government. Resistance will be futile and, where necessary, severely dealt with. It will be glorious.”

Pope Confuses Christians

Pope Francis startled many Catholics this week by likening Jesus’ admonition to his apostles to go forth and preach the Gospel to Mohamed’s call for Muslims to wage jihad against unbelievers, calling both “incitements to conquest.”

In a way, beheading someone or blowing them up may be less intrusive than Jesus’ command to ‘love thy neighbor’ or to ‘turn the other cheek,’” Francis said. “The jihadi attacks the body, but the Christian missionary invades the soul. Even the most grievous injury to the flesh is transitory. But changing a person’s soul persists beyond his temporary Earthly existence.”

Francis went on to admire “the amazing fecundity of the Muslim people” and suggested that “Christians might overcome declining birth rates by interbreeding with them. European cultures have put a selfish search for well-being ahead of their obligation to be fruitful and multiply. Unlike Christian women, Muslim females do not disobey their husbands and submit to bearing many children. Unlike Christian men, Muslim males are lusty and unafraid of impregnating females even if they have to resort to rape to accomplish it. Perhaps by intermixing on a sexual level the best of both faiths could be achieved and the rationale for Islamic violence attenuated.”

In related news, Democratic presidential contender Hillary Clinton said GOP contender Donald Trump’s “anti-Muslim attitude is a disqualifying stance. They wouldn’t have to blow up airliners or decapitate hostages if they were assured access to America. Trump’s proposed ban leaves them no alternative but violence if they are to accomplish their political and religious objectives.” Clinton vowed she would “be pursuing a contrasting strategy of peaceful change. If we integrate them into our society as equals we may divert them toward using nonviolent means to implement their world view.”

Ugly Women Will Put Hillary in White House” Says Dem

Former Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell (D) bragged that “ugly women will put Hillary in the White House next November. Donald Trump may have sponsored beauty pageants, but let’s face it, the overwhelming majority of women are ugly. They’re going to vote for one of their own kind over a billionaire misogynist.”

For one thing, the Democratic Party is a better friend to ugly women,” Rendell contended. “We give them what they want. We give them welfare, which comes in handy if you’re too ugly or nasty to hold onto a man. We enact laws that give them the right to sue anyone who looks at them or speaks to them in a demeaning or insulting manner. We made sure that Obamacare would cover all of the psychotropic medications they might need to adjust to their disappointment for being ugly.”

What does Trump or the GOP offer them?” the governor asked. “The right to join the rat race and get ahead if they’re competent? That’s a pretty weak gruel. The free market offers that to everybody. A robust government is one that can give you more than you could get on your own. Letting people keep what they earn would be like having no government at all. We don’t think the majority of voters will opt to go that route.”

White House Defends Rhodes’ Lies

While Deputy National Security Adviser Ben Rhodes’ lies about the Iran deal are a self-admitted matter of public record, an irate GOP controlled Congress will not be permitted to call him to testify.

Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest brushed aside Rhodes’ admission in a New York Times feature article that “we fabricated the narrative and played the media like a fiddle,” as a “youthful mistake borne of an excess of enthusiasm. The fact of the matter is that Mr. Rhodes has the full confidence of President Obama and was carrying out his directives as he briefed the media regarding the delicate negotiations. No useful purpose would be served by having him appear before Congress.”

Earnest rejected GOP contentions that they are only trying to get to the truth about the Iran deal. “As a famous historical figure is reputed to have asked, ‘what is truth?’” Earnest replied. “Subjecting the President’s loyal adjuncts to a Congressional inquisition isn’t something we’re going to allow. The President has done what he has deemed best for the country. No one has the need or right to know anything more than that.”

In related news, Iranian lawmakers are preparing a lawsuit against the United States to seek compensation for damage inflicted by Washington’s “hostile moves.” The list of particulars for which the regime is seeking billions of dollars in damages includes “continued resistance to the will of Allah, interference with arms shipments to Hezbollah, and the attempted rescue of hostages by unauthorized incursions into Iran by the Carter Administration in 1980.” The Obama Administration is said to be weighing a “nolo contendere” plea. As explained by Earnest, “the President has already acknowledged the errors of prior administrations and sees no point in prolonging a case we cannot win.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.


Arizona will Protect Salt River Wild Horse Herd

Governor Doug Ducey today signed House Bill 2340, which provides needed protections for the Salt River Horses. He explains below why he signed the bill:

“The Salt River Horses are beautiful, majestic and a treasure to our state. Since last summer, we have worked to protect them and their ability to roam free,” said Governor Doug Ducey.  “Many Arizonans were rightly outraged when the future of the Salt River Horse was put at risk, and I was clear then that I would do everything in my power to protect them from danger. Today, I am proud to sign a bill that paves the way state, local and federal forces to work together to keep them free from interference or harassment. I am grateful to  Rep. Kelly Townsend for her leadership and committment to protecting the Salt River Horses.”

Moderate Muslims Are ‘Uncle Toms’ Says London Mayor-Elect

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnLondon’s newly elected mayor, Labour Party candidate Sadiq Khan, vows he will “establish the order prescribed by the Quran” when he takes office later this year.

Mohamed instructed us to subjugate unbelievers and make them submit to paying the jizya tax,” Khan observed. “For too long Muslims in the United Kingdom have been ‘Uncle Toms’ meekly adapting to British customs and culture when it should be the other way around. This election is the first step in rectifying this sacrilegious disorder.”

Labour voter Constance Dimworthy said she is “glad the City government will finally be sticking it to the ‘toffs.’ Why should they be allowed to sit in their cozy estates while I have to subsist on skimpy welfare payments and live in dowdy public housing?”

Ms. Dimworthy was not at all fazed by Khan’s Muslim beliefs. “As I understand it, the Quran is pretty big on the obligation of the rich to pay alms to the poor. Well, I’m poor. If this jizya tax thing puts more money in my pocket I’m all for it.”

New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio was among the first US politicians to congratulate Khan and said he hopes the new Mayor “will move quickly to protect the rights of gays and transexuals as we have done here in our city.”

In related news, de Blasio urged New Yorkers to boycott Chick fil-A. “The owners of this perfidious restaurant must not be permitted to continue to enjoy the privileges of conducting a business if they refuse to accept society’s changing attitudes towards the LGBT community,” he said. “They would like to confine the issue to whether their sandwiches offer good value for the consumers’ dollars. But I say social solidarity is more important than economic freedom, and I look forward to a future where we guardians of society’s values have the authority to enforce them by more direct means than merely urging boycotts.”

DOJ Suggests Hillary’s Lawbreaking “Not Malicious”

Trying to map a politically viable route out of the national security infractions committed by former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, U.S. Attorney General Loretta Lynch professed herself “unable to find any evidence that Secretary Clinton had any malicious intent.”

We’re thinking that her use of an unsecured private computer server for classified communications was just an honest mistake that could more properly be attributed to ignorance or incompetence,” Lynch speculated. “Judging from events on the campaign trail, it is not implausible to hypothesize that brain damage from a concussion she suffered last year or early onset dementia are more likely explanations for an error of this magnitude.”

Lynch contrasted Clinton’s actions with those of former CIA employee Eric Snowden “who intentionally exposed US government secrets. The damage done by Mr. Snowden is immense and continuing. The credibility of everything our government does was undermined.”

The AG further contended that “the fact that Secretary Clinton is leading in the race for the Democratic Party’s presidential nomination would seem to indicate that the American people are willing to overlook her innocent mistakes. Rather than blindly pursue a ‘by-the-book’ approach, we’re leaning toward allowing the process of getting voter input to play itself out. If voters elect her president we’d take that as a sign that we should ‘forgive and forget’ this relatively minor infraction. After all, if she becomes president she could simply pardon herself regardless of what our Office might do to prosecute her anyway. So, why make an investment in an effort that could so easily be undone?”

Candidate Says Coal Remarks “Taken out of Context”

Seeking to dissuade West Virginia voters from holding her promise “to put a lot of coal miners and coal companies out of business” against her, Democratic presidential contender Hillary Clinton maintains that “those remarks have been distorted by being taken out of context.”

The specific context, according to the candidate “was the need to get the votes of environmentally conscious individuals in states that have no coal industry. For my opponents and the media to inject that statement into the West Virginia primary distorts the nuanced messages I am trying to express to the varied constituencies around the nation. It is an unfair and sexist assault on my long history of selfless public service to this country.”

The important thing that is getting pushed aside is that preserving the dirty and dangerous job of mining coal is no longer necessary in our economy,” Clinton argued. “Under my Administration the displaced coal miners who still want to work will be moved into the solar energy sector. Those who are tired of working will be assured of abundant government benefits if they drop out of the workforce. This has been the basic thrust of President Obama’s economic policy for the last eight years. I am pledging to continue that policy. I can’t see why voters who twice gave their state’s electoral votes to President Obama wouldn’t want to give them to me.”

Even if West Virginia voters don’t warm to her, Clinton took comfort from her perception that “the whole world is pulling for me to beat Donald Trump in November. That has got to be a bigger coalition than whatever fragments of opposition might coalesce around a nativist like Trump.”

German Army Hampered by Overtime Rules

The German Army had to shorten its participation in recent NATO war-game exercises because the government’s labor regulations restrict the number of continuous hours troops can be on duty.

Minister of Defense Rinehart Schwachkopf defended the move asserting that “preserving the rights of the worker against exploitation is an essential function of the German government. If we start discarding rights on the pretext that ‘defense is too important’ to have to comply with regulations intended to protect these rights we raise the question of what are we fighting for if not to protect Germans’ rights?”

Schwachkopf acknowledged that “enemies of Germany might seek to exploit any gaps in our defenses caused by troops having to stand down in order to comply with labor rules, but no one said maintaining the social benefits of the working class would always be easy. Our armed forces will need to learn to be more efficient and expeditious in their operations.”

The Minister went on to point out that “blitzkrieg, or lightning war, used to be something Germany’s armies deployed to great success in the past. Perhaps knowing that their troops are on a time clock our generals will reacquaint themselves with this once successful tactic.”

Egyptian Official Blames Cartoons for Muslim Violence

The head of Egypt’s State Information Service (SIS), Ambassador Salah Abdel Sadek, says that “the rising tide of violence in Muslim countries can be directly traced to Western cartoons. Around the globe innocent Muslims are exposed to the carnage inflicted by cats and mice on each other in cartoons like ‘Tom and Jerry’ or ‘Itchy and Scratchy.’ Is it any wonder, then that they go on rampages of killing?”

Sadek contended that “Muslims are particularly susceptible to this insidious influence because our critical thinking skills have been suppressed by Zionist infiltrators” and called for “the elimination of the Jewish state in our midst” as the remedy most likely to be effective.

Hillary for President campaign manager Robbie Mook cited Sadek’s comments as “a vindication of Secretary Clinton’s assertion that a video is what inspired the mob that killed Ambassador Stevens at the Benghazi compound in 2012. Poorly educated Arabs are easy targets for influence by videos of any sort. If a cartoon is enough to goad a Palestinian into bombing an Israeli bus, why is it so hard to believe that an even more pointed video might goad a mob into killing Ambassador Stevens? I think Ambassador Sadek’s insightful perspective puts the nail in the coffin of the email witch hunt being conducted against Hillary.”

Medical Errors Third Leading Cause of Death in US

A study published in the prominent medical journal BMJ concluded that errors by doctors and hospitals kill more than 250,000 people a year in the US. Martin Makary, professor of surgery at the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine, led the research team and said “It boils down to people dying from the care that they receive rather than the disease for which they are seeking care.”

In recent years a lot has been made of the issue of people living without health insurance and how the government must take heroic efforts to compel everyone to obtain insurance,” Makary observed. “The concern is that those without insurance won’t be able to afford treatment. This study indicates that not being treated isn’t always bad. Sometimes entering the medical world exposes patients to dangers worse than the ailments they had going in.”

It’s one thing for people to be insured against catastrophic health emergencies like accidents or serious diseases,” he continued. “There the risk/reward profile for being treated is more balanced. But when comprehensive coverage entices a person to make entering the realm of medical treatment their first option they may be increasing their risk falling victim to medical error without sufficient reason.”

The human body has developed many self-healing abilities over millions of years of evolution,” Makary said. “In many instances relying on that may be a better bet than relying on the much newer and less evolved art of medicine. At the very least, the data don’t support a policy of forcing everyone into a government mandated health protocol like the Affordable Care Act seeks to do.”

In related news, hospitals in the United Kingdom are posting “do not resuscitate” orders—without the patients’ or families’ consent—for tens of thousands of National Health Care patients as a cost-saving measure. NHS spokesman Dr. Malcolm Kildare called the step “a necessary conservation of social resources. A patient of little value to society and his or her family is not the best judge of how our limited resources should be used. Rationalizing the system to ensure resources are available for higher value patients is essential.”

EU to Fine Member Nations for Rejecting Refugees

Concerned that the flow of Muslim immigrants into the European Union might be deterred if member nations refuse to accept ever enlarging quantities of refugees, officials are implementing a €250,000 (about $300,000) per head fine for every refugee not allowed into a country.

EU spokesman Geert Waloon explained that “the European reproduction rate is far below replacement levels. If our countries are to avoid becoming uninhabited ‘ghost towns’ we must increase our population. The refugees are fertile and not averse to generating offspring. Securing an abundant supply of them will ensure that EU government workers will have an adequate number of welfare clients to justify their employment.” The fines are expected to raise in excess of €50 million annually, most of which will be used to fund the salaries of EU welfare agency employees.

GOP presumptive presidential nominee Donald Trump called the fines “insane” and vowed that “nothing like this will happen in our country if I’m its next president.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

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Governor Praises 2016 Legislative Session Accomplishments

Gov. Doug Ducey, now in his second year as the state’s chief executive, is singing the praises of the 2016 legislative session. The Republican Party, in general, could take a lesson from his communication skills. Here’s his statement:

This session was about addressing priorities, keeping promises and solving problems. Together, lawmakers stepped up and worked in a spirit of good faith and good government to keep Arizona on a strong and stable path forward.

For the first time since 2007, we brought our budget to structural balance – and we did it while investing in our vital commitments, protecting our most vulnerable and honoring our veterans. We’ve prioritized our K-12 schools, our world-class universities, child safety and public safety – and we’ve done it without raising taxes on hardworking Arizonans.

We built upon our accomplishments last year to bring our laws into the 21st-century, embrace the sharing economy and make Arizona more attractive and responsive to innovation.

We took significant action to keep our citizens, families and communities safe – from ramping up the fight against drug cartels and drug addiction, to bringing justice to victims of crime, to eliminating roadblocks to care for foster children and families.

We did a lot of good this session – but these accomplishments are not ours. They belong to the Arizona students and teachers, who will benefit from more resources in the classrooms; the families, small business owners and citizens, who will benefit from low taxes, lean regulations, and an excellent quality of life; and the next generation, who will benefit from our efforts to set Arizona’s budget in balance and save for the future.”