Gov Announces Release of High-Risk Sex Offenders

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Irked that Californians are starting to flout his demand that they stay at home, Gov. Gavin Newsom (D) announced the release of seven prisoners into the Orange County area. Orange County District Attorney Toff Spitzer objected to the action saying “these kinds of high-risk sex offenders are the most dangerous kind of criminal and the most likely to re-offend.”

“That’s precisely the reason why these inmates were selected for release,” Newsom said. “Look, fear of COVID has diminished to the point that thousands of people in Orange County have defied my ban on going to the beach. Let’s see if fear of being assaulted or raped by one of these newly released sexual predators will be so easily ignored by beach-goers.”

Spitzer called the Governor’s view “insane. Protecting law-abiding people from being harmed by criminals is the fundamental duty of government.”

Newsom countered by asserting “well, these are crazy times we live in. The unprecedented threat posed by the virus has forced us to go outside the fundamental bounds of government and pioneer a new social order. Who’s to say that injecting a social pathogen into the community isn’t the right remedy? Besides, it’s only temporary. I’m pretty confident that all of these released prisoners will be rearrested within a few weeks. I’m hoping that by then the need for terror will have subsided.”

Obama Violates “Stay-at-Home” Order

Former President Barack Obama violated Virginia Gov. Ralph Northam’s stay-at-home order by sneaking out to play golf. He also embarrassed his wife whose broadcast message urged folks to “remember, we urge you to stay home except if you need essential health care, essential food or supplies, or to go to your essential job.”

Barack defended his golf outing contending “it was essential health care. Michelle’s great and I love her, but being cooped up at home day after day is very stressful. Besides, what activity could be more socially distancing than golf. I can’t understand why Gov. Northam banned it. In any case, as one who has served his country at the highest level, I think I deserve a few perks to help me through these extraordinary times. If my Secret Service detachment didn’t agree, I’m sure they wouldn’t have let me out of the house, much less accompany me for the full 18 holes.”

Northam announced that “I have already issued a pardon for President Obama. A hero of his stature must not be held to the same standards as the frightened cowards who are meekly obeying my dictates.”

FBI Documents Exonerate Flynn

Previously withheld FBI documents related to the Agency’s case against Gen. Michael Flynn were uncovered this week. On the one hand, exculpatory evidence that had been denied to Flynn’s attorneys was revealed. On the other hand, an illegal plot designed to entrap the General was documented.

James Comey, FBI Director at the time these illegal actions were taken, maintains that “these were standard procedures. When the Agency has an opportunity to take down a bad guy, every option to accomplish the job is in play. We brainstormed a few ideas, got the okay on a course of action from President Obama, and proceeded to carry it out. We got within inches from the goal line—we pressured Flynn into entering a guilty plea and would have had him behind bars—but the late substitution of Sidney Powell for his original defense team stopped us short. Still, I believe it was a worthy effort in a good cause.”

Meanwhile, former Director of National Intelligence James Clapper reiterated his “just following orders defense” by reminding everyone that “we were only doing what President Obama told us to do. We had no choice. He was the Commander-in-Chief. We had a legal obligation to obey.”

Biden Denies Sexual Assault Allegation

This week, former Vice-President Joe Biden went on MSNBC to answer questions about Tara Reade’s accusation that he sexually assaulted her in 1993 when she worked for him in his senate office.

Biden insisted that “it never happened. I think I have a good feel for where the boundaries are when it comes to touching women. I know I have been filmed sniffing, stroking, and nuzzling women and girls thousands of times, but I can say unequivocally, that I’ve never been filmed groping, fondling, or raping any of them. I’d say that the weight of this evidence proves I’m not guilty.”

The presidential candidate rejected the idea that he make his personal Senate papers archived at the University of Delaware available to be searched, saying “my staff has already searched these papers and assures me that no meaningful documents can be found there.” Instead, he maintained that “the National Archives is where the records of all the crimes committed by every government official are deposited. If anything is to be found, it will be there.”

John Valceanu, director of communications for the archives, said he is “confident that no such documents are in our possession. All complaints lodged against senators are kept by the Senate.” Secretary of the Senate Julie Adams declined to confirm or deny Valceanu’s claim, insisting “we have paid good money to keep accusations private. Unless there is a court order, any information we have will remain private.”

In related news, former Senator Chris Dodd (D-Conn) has been fingered by Biden to head up the search for his vice-presidential running mate. “Chris has the kind of experience that will be critical in selecting the woman who will best fit the role I have in mind for my vice-president,” Biden said. It wasn’t clear whether Biden was referring to the 1985 incident at the Washington, D.C. restaurant, La Brassiere where Dodd was the bottom slice of the “waitress sandwich” he and Senator Ted Kennedy (D-Mass) formed with a restaurant employee.

Clinton Plan to Boost Employment Partially Leaked

Citing the “unprecedented opportunity presented by the COVID crisis,” the Clinton Foundation is working on a plan to employ the 30 million who have lost their jobs due to the shutdown as government spies. Participants in developing this plan include former President Bill Clinton (retired sexual predator), Governor Andrew Cuomo (nursing home murderer), Chelsea Clinton (beneficiary of nepotism), and Governor Gavin Newsom (Chinese dupe).

“Obviously, we can’t sustain an economy where tens of millions are permanently unemployed,” Cuomo said. “But we can’t go back to the way it was before the COVID pandemic. In New York City Mayor de Blasio has already started paying $57,000 a year to hire spies. It seems to me that there might be a large pool of individuals ready and willing to do this on a long term basis. I think if we could expand this to a nationwide program we could sop up employees who’ve been discharged from nonessential businesses and fulfill the continuing need for surveillance to enforce the new normal.”

“I can confirm Andy’s perspective,” Newsom added. “Snitches have been very effective in my state. If even a single individual sets foot in a closed area like a beach or hiking trail, informers will alert the police and an arrest can be made. The fines imposed on violators will be used to help make up for revenue shortfalls due to all the closed businesses.”

“So you’re saying that all the jobs lost in the nonessential sector can be offset by creating these new jobs spying on neighbors?” Bill asked. “That doesn’t seem possible.”

“I don’t think we’re saying that domestic spies will be the only newly created jobs,” Cuomo answered. “There’ll have to be records clerks, supervisors, regional managers, etc. And since we’re creating a permanent class of new crimes we’ll need that infrastructure to be built and manned—police, judges, prison guards, wardens. We’ll probably also have to invest more in a media campaign to ensure that the hysteria level is maintained. This will create even more new jobs.”

Movie Pans Green Energy

Filmmaker and Bernie Sanders supporter Michael Moore’s new movie “Planet of the Humans” characterizes so-called green energy as just another crony capitalist scam. “We went into this project hoping to prove the superiority of green energy,” Moore said. “We found out otherwise.”

“Consider, the solar panels needed to generate electricity are made with metallurgical coal and require 16 times more materials in the form of cement, glass, and steel than do nuclear plants, and create 300 times more waste,” Moore observed. “Then there are the renewable bio-fuels that are produced using tractors that run on diesel, use water pumped by electricity, most often from fossil fuel power plants, and are delivered to distilleries powered by electricity with trucks fueled by diesel. The crops used to make bio-fuels use millions of gallons of water annually and require 400 to 750 times more land to produce the fuel than an equivalent amount of petroleum. The bottom line is: green energy can’t prevent climate change, and those saying it can are profiting handsomely from government green energy subsidies and mandates.”

Climate change guru Al Gore called the film “short-sighted. The issue isn’t whether green energy is more or less polluting than fossil fuels. The crucial objective is to transform society, dethrone the fossil fuel corporate barons, and put a new more socially acceptable elite in charge. The hundreds of millions of dollars I personally have reaped along the way are irrelevant. Moore’s film has seriously undermined the attainment of this objective. I urge all who believe in me to shun this movie and its maker.”

Biden Reveals His Coronavirus Plan

After weeks of negative comments on how President Trump is handling the coronavirus crisis, presumptive Democratic presidential nominee former Vice-President Joe Biden has finally said what he would have done if he had been in office when the pandemic arose.

“In addition to doing everything Trump has done, only faster and harder, I would have lowered the flag to half mast in honor of all those who died,” Biden boasted. “I would have banned travel from China before anyone in the US got the virus. Then I would have immediately canceled all mass gatherings at sporting events, churches, concerts, and anywhere else. Unlike Trump, I would have stopped all nonessential activities and ordered everyone to shelter at home rather than leaving it up to governors to do this dirty work. Most importantly, I would have reunified the nation like President Johnson did after the Civil War.”

Biden’s plan got an “across the aisle” endorsement from Sen. Mitt Romney (R-Utah). “I was greatly encouraged to see that the former Vice-President and I are on the same page regarding the proper COVID response plan. I guess great minds really do think alike.”

Michigan Gov Shuts Down Improvised Drive-in Theater

Canterbury Village’s plans to set up an improvised drive-in movie theater with 20′ by 20′ spaces for each car and the audio broadcast over a local FM radio station were halted by megalomaniac Gov. Gretchen Whitmer (D).

Whitmer explained that “the legislature granted me absolute power to handle the COVID crisis as I see fit. One of the things that I have shutdown across the state is movie theaters. Just because the folks at Canterbury Village were able to ensure the required minimum social distancing at their improvised outdoor theater doesn’t mean they get a pass from me. In my view, a few cannot be permitted to evade the suffering imposed on the many just because they are more inventive or clever. As long as I am in charge, until all can see movies, none shall see movies.”

The Governor neglected to mention that the power granted to her by the legislature expired at midnight on April 30. She claims that “once given the power it is mine until I decide to relinquish it. Polls show that 70% of the voters favor my strict controls over them. Given this level of popular support the legislature is powerless against me. I am seen as the only one who is capable of safeguarding the health of every person in the state. For this to work I must have immediate and unquestioning obedience from every resident to every order I issue for as long this virus is with us.”

Docs Say Hydroxychloroquine 91 Percent Successful

A solid refutation of the media meme contending that President Trump is an idiot for suggesting that a malaria drug could be a “game changer” in the battle against the coronavirus was delivered by a report from the Association of American Physicians and Surgeons (AAPS) showing that 91% of 2,333 patients treated with hydroxychloroquine benefited from the drug.

Dr. Anthony Fauci, head of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, funder of the Wuhan lab experimenting with the coronavirus, and the chief medical adviser to the White House Coronavirus Task Force, downplayed these findings saying that “in my mind this was not a valid test of the therapy. We need to have a test where half of the patients are given this drug and half are given a placebo before I could recommend a widespread reliance on this therapy. If we do this and most of those in the placebo group die, then we will have proof that the therapy is safe and effective compared to no treatment. That’s the scientific ‘gold standard’ comparison that the FDA demands before it will approve a drug for a specific illness.”

AAPS president Dr. Albert Fisher rejected Fauci’s view calling it “a deadly error in the face of a pandemic. Doctors who treat patients must put their patients’ interest ahead of any other concern. The objective is to save the life and restore the health of every patient by using whatever methods seem best. The experience in the field that Dr. Fauci casually dismisses as ‘anecdotal’ shows which therapies are working and which are not. Doctors should quickly adopt what is working. Demanding that lives be intentionally endangered as Dr. Fauci recommends just to satisfy an FDA bureaucratic ‘gold standard’ is medical malpractice.”

After being apprised of the AAPS study, President Trump tweeted “maybe I picked to the wrong guy to advise the task force.”

House Will Not Return to DC

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) has decided “against returning to Washington for the foreseeable future. With so many of our members being in the decrepit geezers cohort of the population, it’s just too dangerous. We’re going to follow Dr. Fauci’s advice and shelter at home until a COVID vaccine is developed.”

The Speaker hastened to reassure concerned citizens “not to worry about us. We’ll be okay. As essential government workers our full salaries continue to be paid. So even the poorest among us will be able to survive for the duration. On top of this, we’ll be saving taxpayers the cost of paying for our travel back-and-forth from our districts to the capital.”

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Black Dems Face Retribution

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Democratic Party leaders in Georgia and Michigan have targeted two state legislators for punishment. The “crime” of which both are accused is “breaking our party’s united front against the Trump menace,” said state Rep. James Beverly (D-Macon), chairman of the party’s House caucus.

Georgia state representative Vernon Jones (D-DeKalb) made the “mistake” of praising the positive impacts on African Americans of Trump’s economic and prison-reform policies. Beverly pointed out that “it is our Party’s position that nothing Trump does is worthy of approval. Everything must be condemned if we hope to unseat him in the November election. There must be no defectors, no weak links among the Party faithful. To maintain discipline, we must sanction Jones in a meaningful way.”

State Rep. Scott Holcomb (D-DeKalb) labeled Jones “an incompetent narcissist. Even if he personally disagrees with the Party he has an obligation to keep his opinions to himself. Publicly standing against us violates his primary political duty.”

In Michigan, State Rep. Karen Whitsett (D-Detroit) dared to publicly thank President Trump for calling attention to hydroxychloroquine as a possible therapy for COVID-19, claiming “it saved my life.” This came after Gov. Gretchen Whitmer (D-Mich) had banned this therapy in the state.

District Democrat Party Chairman Jonathan Kinloch complained that “Whitsett’s going around the Governor’s ban was the last straw. If she had quietly undergone the therapy without going public—like many others in the Party have done—we’d have no beef. By doing what she did and publicly thanking Trump she brought discredit to the Governor and the Party. This cannot go unpunished.”

Social Media Giants Vow to Squelch Dissent

The corporate moguls in control of Facebook, YouTube, and Twitter have all promised to censor users “who try to spread misinformation about COVID-19 and undermine the government’s policy of shelter in place,” said creepy Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg. “Posts that try to minimize the threat of the virus or spur opposition to the lockdowns intended to fight the contagion will be removed. The collective well-being of all depends upon unanimous obedience to the directives our government has issued. If we let a trickle of dissent go unchecked the entire dike holding back disaster may crumble.”

YouTube CEO Susan Wojcicki was especially concerned that “the unapproved therapies that we see being suggested by ignorant laymen, or even some doctors, undermine public confidence in the officially recognized and mandated therapies advocated by the World Health Organization. They also fly in the face of edicts issued by various governors like Andrew Cuomo (D-NY) and Gretchen Whitmer (D-Mich). These governors are responsible for determining what’s best for the citizens of their states. Citizens have the obligation to do as they are told. We at YouTube will do our part to help ensure that this happens.”

AOC Asks “Why Ever Go Back to Work?”

Rep. Alexandria Ocasio Cortez (D-NY) urges workers to refuse to go back to their jobs when the country reopens for business.

One thing I think we have learned from the lockdown is that life can be very comfortable,” she observed. “I, for one, have been enjoying the leisure I’ve gained while sheltering at home. I imagine that the same is true for the vast majority of Americans. The unemployment benefits that congress has approved have actually increased the weekly income for large numbers of those who lost their jobs during the shutdown. In New York, for example, unemployment benefits on an annualized basis, amount to a $40,000 per year stipend. On top of this, there are the stimulus checks many families are receiving.”

My question is, given the combination of income available from these government payments and the freedom from wage-slavery so many have enjoyed this last month, why ever go back to work?” she asked. “I mean, the only ones who lost their jobs were working for nonessential businesses. Why should people be forced to work producing nonessential goods and services when they could be spending more time at home doing things they really enjoy? The government has an unlimited authority to create as much money as is needed to pay everyone a living wage . There is no need to herd people into wage-slavery just so they can earn a living.”

From where we are now, we can see the promise land Marx envisioned,” the socialist firebrand said. “We are in a position to rearrange society so that the minority that has the ability and energy to produce essential goods and services does the work necessary to meet the needs of the majority. We can achieve the social justice of the Marxian ethic of ‘from each according to his ability, to each according to his needs’ if we have the backbone to make it happen. I will make this my primary mission after I’m reelected in November.”

L.A. Reiterates Intent to Keep People Inside

Disturbed that people will take the recently announced findings that sunlight kills the COVID-19 virus in a matter of minutes as “an excuse to violate Gov. Newsom’s stay-at-home order,” Los Angeles Police Department Chief Michel Moore reminded that “we are still chasing folks off the beaches and hiking trails.”

Not everyone is physically able to hike on the trails or on the beaches,” Moore pointed out. “To allow those who can would give them an unfair advantage over those who can’t. The Governor says it is important that we all stay on the same page in the fight against the virus. So, until everyone can go outside, no one will be permitted to go outside unless they are essential workers or have prior permission from the government that they may be outside their residence.”

Moore urged “those itching to go outdoors” to “wait until the 200 million masks that the Governor has ordered from China have arrived and can be distributed. That way they can stay within the guidelines and won’t have to worry about being arrested.”

Cuomo’s Incomprehensible Blunder

As the nation’s leader in COVID-19 fatalities, New York officials are searching for the factors that may have contributed to this negative outcome. One factor that may have played a role was Gov. Andrew Cuomo’s (D) March 25th order requiring nursing homes to admit and readmit individuals who tested positive for the virus. While the Governor tried to profess ignorance of his order, Health Commissioner Howard Zucker confirmed it.

I know that in hindsight it looks stupid,” Zucker admitted, “but no one stopped to think about what we were doing. We thought old people belong in nursing homes. It just didn’t occur to us that infected old people ought to be kept separate from uninfected old people. As we know now, this policy was a formula for disaster. Old people are especially susceptible to infection. The death rates skyrocketed. The only saving grace is that we have until November 2022 for voters to forget about this.”

By way of damage control, Gov. Cuomo suggested that “the shortage of personal protective equipment (PPE) for nursing home staff was the weak link in our strategy. I had to beg for these supplies from the federal government and it took some time for them to be manufactured and delivered. That puts the blame firmly on President Trump for not being adequately prepared to deal with the pandemic.” Left unmentioned was Cuomo’s 2015 decision to cut funding for emergency medical supplies from the State’s budget.

Meanwhile, paramedics in New York have been issued a statewide “do-not-resuscitate” directive. Cuomo justified this order, saying “the vast majority of the people EMTs revive end up eventually dying. Rather than waste valuable hospital space on these cases we needed to free-up beds for COVID patients.” Ironically, the 3,000-bed hospital that the US Army set up in New York City’s Javits Center for the COVID emergency remains 99% vacant.

In related news, Cuomo called the increase in domestic violence that has arisen in the wake of increased unemployment and the lockdown “an acceptable trade-off compared to the certain death of allowing people to risk exposure to COVID that would occur if they are allowed to go back to work. The number of battered spouses that are dying during the lockdown is dwarfed by the number of lives saved from the virus. In fact, I think we might want to consider making lockdowns one of the features of the new normal we are building in this country.”

Gov Threatens to Punish Everyone

Gov. Gretchen Whitmer (D-Mich) warned the people of her state that “the continued anti-government antics of a minority may force me to extend the lockdown longer than I originally planned.”

She likened her predicament to that of “a teacher trying to deal with a few unruly students. She’s spoken loudly and sternly. Yet, there are some who insist on mocking and resisting the rules she’s laid out for everyone. Her ultimate weapon is to threaten to cancel recess or keep everyone after school in the hope that she can inspire enough social pressure to contain the offenders. Like that school teacher, I’m now warning all the well-behaved citizens of Michigan that if they cannot stifle their misbehaving neighbors, I will order everyone to stay home until all the demonstrations and criticism cease.”

NJ Gov Demands Bailout

Gov. Phil Murphy (D-NJ) characterized Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell’s opposition to using federal money to bail out New Jersey’s government as “utterly irresponsible.” McConnell suggested that “rather than try to sponge off federal taxpayers, states in financial trouble should file for bankruptcy.”

Murphy started off by threatening to lay off state employees. “Let’s see how McConnell and the Republicans like it when thousands of essential government workers join the ranks of the unemployed,” he said. “The booming economy that Trump and the GOP are counting on to win the election would be further set back.”

Murphy also chastised McConnell’s aversion to forcing more fiscally prudent states to cover the deficits accrued by the more profligate states like New Jersey. “This is not the time to point fingers,” Murphy asserted. “This is the time for us all to come together as one family. It’s like you’ve got a brother who squandered all his share of the family inheritance on booze and gambling. You don’t throw him out on the street. You share what you have with him.”

The pensions we have promised our state employees are in danger of being under-funded,” Murphy pointed out. “Should we have not made these promises? Maybe, but that’s all water under the bridge now. The fact is that other states have money and we need it. It is the obligation of the federal government to redistribute the wealth from those who are able to produce it to those of us who need it.”

Chicago to Reclassify Some Homicides

Under the direction of Mayor Lori Lightfoot, Chicago—gun homicide capital of the United States—has begun reclassifying incidents in which a murder victim was shot from a distance of six feet or more as COVID-19 fatalities.

Since the shooters in these cases are observing the social distancing rules—we determined that COVID-19 guidelines were the key contributing factor in these deaths,” the Mayor explained. “By reclassifying these deaths, the City will receive payments from the federal government that would not be available if the deaths were allowed to be officially attributed to a non-COVID-19 cause.”

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Michigan Gov Warns Protesters

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

This week, thousands of Michigan citizens circled the state capitol to demonstrate their opposition to Gov. Gretchen Whitmer’s tyranny. The Governor labeled this protest “irresponsible” and threatened to impose further restrictions on liberty.

“These people need to understand that this is not South Dakota,” she warned. “Just because Gov Noem (R-SD) was too weak to impose a stay-at-home edict on the residents of her state shouldn’t be taken as encouragement for Michiganers to disobey my orders. Her quaint notion that the people of her state can be trusted to act like responsible adults is dangerous and intolerable during this time of crisis. Clearly, it is up to us in government to protect everyone from the consequences of their own bad decisions. That includes the bad decision to ignore the directives we have issued for their own good.”

Whitmer is said to be mulling extending and intensifying the statewide lockdown. “I’m thinking that the license plate numbers gathered by the police during the protest could be useful for identifying those in need of further restrictions,” she said. “I hear that in China, the police welded disobedient citizens inside their homes. Alternatively, we could use ankle bracelets to enforce the kind of house-arrest these deviants deserve.”

Gov. Noem challenged the notion that she is weak, saying “I am the governor of a free people, not a dictator. In America, every person has an unalienable right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. As a government official it is my obligation to defend these rights. During this pandemic my approach has been to try to keep everyone as informed as possible so they can make their own decisions on how to cope with the virus. I am confident that a free people can come out of this crisis in better shape than a terrified and submissive people.”

In related news, Gov. Phil Murphy (D-NJ) rebuffed criticism that his shutdown of the state has excessively infringed upon freedom of religion, freedom of assembly, and freedom of speech, claiming that “enforcing the Bill of Rights is not my responsibility. It wasn’t part of the oath I swore when I took office and there’s no law that says I have to protect these so-called rights.”

Former AG Hails COVID-19 as “Opportunity”

Eric Holder, former Attorney General during the Obama presidency, boasted that “this current crisis gives us an opportunity to permanently revamp our electoral system. The duress created by the economic shutdown calls for urgent government action to ease the suffering of those thrown out of work. This gives the Democratic Party leverage to hold up any relief measures until our demands for voting reform are met.”

According to Holder, these “reforms” entail “elimination of voter ID, automatic voter registration for anyone receiving government benefits, prevention of voter registrations being purged for inactivity, universal vote-by-mail, and ballot harvesting. Each of these reforms will ensure that a maximum number of ballots can be cast and counted.”

Holder admitted that “in some cases this could result in more votes being cast than there are registered voters,” but asserted that “this would be preferable to the current system where there are fewer votes cast and counted than there are registered voters. Voting is a human right. It is better that some exercise this right more than once per election than that there be a shortfall because some potential votes aren’t cast or counted.”

Biden Unveils His Post-Pandemic Economic Policy

Presumptive Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden called for “a return to the kind of big ideas approach that FDR used to revive the economy during the Great Depression. We can’t afford to wait around for the private sector to make the investments that will be needed to turn things around from the wasteland Trump has inflicted on America.”

“Look at what’s happened during this pandemic,” Biden urged. “The private sector that Trump praises on a daily basis is where all the economic carnage has taken place. It’s there we find shuttered businesses and laid off employees. Compare this to the government sector where no agency has been shuttered and no one has been laid off. The message is clear, if we hope to return America to prosperity, government needs to play a bigger role.”

“A blueprint for investment ideas that will revive the economy can be found in the Green New Deal,” he maintained. “The private sector has to find an efficient way to meet consumer demand. This hampers the pace of investment compared to what the government can do. Government doesn’t need market research to guide its decisions. Huge sums of money can be committed without regard to whether there are any profits down the road. Likewise, government can continue to provide goods and services even if there are no profits—as we have seen the US Post Office do for decades.”

“This November, voters will have a stark choice to make,” the Candidate observed. “They can either choose to continue the fragile capitalistic system that Trump wants to impose on everyone. Or they can escape to the robust alternative I am offering. Government never goes out of business. Government employees never lose their jobs. I think most will vote for the security and stability that a Democratic Administration will deliver.”

In related “big idea” news, Rep. Tim Ryan (D-Ohio) and Rep. Ro Khanna (D-Calif) have introduced legislation that would send a $2,000 check every month to every American over the age of 16 until unemployment falls to pre-pandemic levels. “The beauty of this plan is that this is more than minimum-wage workers are paid,” Ryan boasted. “This pretty much will force businesses to offer more than $2,000 per month to attract needed employees. Even more important, though, is that the unemployment level just before the pandemic was the lowest ever recorded. It’s unlikely we’ll ever match that again, especially if Democrats win control of the White House and both houses of congress in November. This means the $2,000 monthly payments will never end.”

Democrat Endorses Trump

This week, Georgia State Rep. Vernon Jones (D) announced he is supporting President Trump’s reelection. “There are a lot of African Americans who clearly see and appreciate he’s doing something that’s never been done before,” Jones said. “When you look at the unemployment rates among black Americans before the pandemic, they were at historic lows. When we add in his support for historically black colleges and his criminal justice initiatives, Trump has done more for African Americans than any president since Lincoln. I had to endorse his campaign.”

“Compare what Trump has done to what Biden has done,” Jones urged. “A generation of African American families have been devastated by draconian policies that Joe Biden supported and voted for when he served in the U.S. Senate. As a candidate for president Biden’s proposals would do nothing to help African Americans prosper. He is content to keep a large segment of African Americans in welfare Hell.”

The chairwoman of Georgia’s Democratic Party, Nikema Williams vowed “retribution for this disloyalty to the Party. Trump’s insistence on pushing Blacks into the workforce amounts to a return to slavery. The Democratic Party and our presidential nominee Vice-President Biden have worked hard to give our people the lifestyle of subsidized leisure so many currently enjoy. Jones’ undermining of this accomplishment will turn voters against him and the racist president he endorsed.”

Disagreement on Blame for Coronavirus

Sen. Josh Hawley (R-Mo) has introduced legislation called the Justice for Victims of COVID-19 Act. If passed, this bill would enable victims of the virus to sue the Chinese Government for damages. “There is overwhelming evidence that the Chinese Communist Party’s lies, deceit, and incompetence caused COVID-19 to transform from a local disease outbreak into a global pandemic. We need to empower Americans and other victims around the world to recover damages.”

Sen. Chris Murphy (D-Conn) disagreed and insisted that “Trump, not China is to blame for the coronavirus global pandemic. For more than three years I’ve had the chance to observe the depredations wreaked on this country by Trump. He is the most unqualified and dangerous person to ever hold the office of president. Clearly, Trump is the greater threat. Even if the virus came from China—some are persuaded that the US Army started the contagion in the Wuhan Province of China, a clear act of war, in my opinion—Trump has only made it worse by his blunders over the past three months. If the Republican senators had not blocked his conviction on the impeachment charges we wouldn’t be in the mess we’re now in.”

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) sided with Murphy, charging that “Trump’s poor response is the cause of all the suffering in this country. His repeated attempts to blame China and to punish the World Health Organization (WHO) for siding with China are despicable.”

Angered at WHO for repeating the Chinese Governments false statements about the virus, President Trump has temporarily paused US subsidies to WHO pending further investigation of their role in disseminating Chinese propaganda on this issue.

Pelosi labeled this pause “illegal and dangerous. The United States’ contributions are WHO’s largest source of income. President Trump has no authority to stop the flow of this money without congressional approval—which can’t be attained right now because we’re all sheltering-in-place away from Washington. Luckily, I have a year’s supply of fifty different flavors of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream sequestered in my $5,000 super-duper cold freezer in my basement. Faced with the choice of risking my life by traveling to DC to conduct congressional business and staying safe and well-fed on my favorite food…well, it’s a no brainer decision.”

NYC Inflates COVID-19 Death Toll

This week, New York City added 3,700 deaths to its COVID-19 total. Mayor Bill de Blasio’s press secretary Freddi Goldstein explained that “the Mayor pointed out that since the feds are paying $13,000 for each reported COVID-19 death we could improve the City’s financial situation by attributing as many deaths to the virus as we could. So, we went through all the death certificates since the beginning of the year to see which could be plausibly revised to show COVID-19 as the cause of death.”

“Let me give you a couple of examples to illustrate what we’ve done. In cases where a person died at home of natural causes, if that person was older than 65 or lived in a zip code where a majority of persons from that zip code who had been tested for the virus showed up positive for COVID, this person would be counted as having died of COVID. In cases where a person died in a hospital, if any of the nurses or doctors working at the hospital have tested positive for COVID, this person would be counted as having died of COVID. If a body is found on the street with no evidence of foul play, since New York City is a designated COVID hot spot, this person would be counted as having died of COVID.”

“The $48 million in extra revenue from the federal government that we will earn from this reclassification will make a small dent in the deficit that is accruing from the lockdown,” Goldstein added. “The extra COVID deaths may also help the City’s case for an additional $7 billion in federal aid needed to restart the City’s economy.”

Meanwhile, Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D-NY) admitted that “President Trump has delivered for New York. He has quickly responded to meet all of our needs. I just wish he wasn’t so mean to me. He didn’t have to mention that I passed up an opportunity to buy ventilators back in 2015. He didn’t have to mentioned that I discounted the seriousness of the COVID-19 threat six weeks ago. He didn’t have to be so public about having to make up for my errors when everybody else had already forgotten about them.”

Gov Tells Virginians to Adapt to “New Normal”

Gov. Ralph Northam (D-Va) extended his ordered state shutdown to May 8, but isn’t optimistic that business and life “will ever be the same as it used to be.”

“Given that there won’t be a vaccine anytime soon, as well as the probability that, at best, it may only be partially effective, it looks like the COVID virus will be around a long time,” he pointed out. “The shelter-in-place I ordered is working. Not only are we flattening the curve and saving people from dying of the virus, we are also saving people from the perils of unnecessary travel. With less travel there are fewer crashes and the air is less polluted. I’m reluctant to give up these gains.”

“I reject the contention that the cost of the shutdown is too great to bear,” the Governor said. “My order was limited to nonessential activities. While this has required many people to drastically change the way they live, I think it is a good trade-off. Think about it. Is there ever any need to put up with nonessential activities? Isn’t spending time and money on nonessential things an unnecessary burden on society? Between the lives saved and the efficiencies achieved by eliminating the nonessential behaviors we have mindlessly incorporated into our daily routine, it looks to me that adapting to a ‘new normal’ is the way to go.”

Meanwhile in North Carolina, in accord with the orders of Gov. Roy Cooper (D), police broke up a protest against the state’s closed economy on the grounds that “protesting is a ‘nonessential activity’ that is explicitly banned by the governor.”

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Abuse of Authority Intensifies

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Apprised of incidents in which children have been playing inside the homes of friends in their neighborhood, Michigan Gov. Gretchen Whitmer (D) has issued an immediate cease and desist decree. “Stay-at-home means stay at your home,” she explained. “A neighbor’s home is not your home. Neither you nor your children may enter any home other than your own. Violators are subject to fine or imprisonment. For those who imply that I’ve gone too far, let me remind them that Dr. Michael Ryan, epidemiologist and executive director of the World Health Organization’s Health Emergencies Program has recommended forcibly removing family members who represent a health threat to the household. I still have that option in my back pocket.”

In Massachusetts, police ticketed people participating in a church service while seated in their cars for violating the State’s “shelter in place order.” While this was happening Superior Court Judge Heidi Brieger ordered that convicted child rapist Glenn Christie be released from jail “so he won’t die of the coronavirus. Mr. Christie didn’t kill the child he repeatedly raped. He wasn’t sentenced to death. His continued incarceration during this pandemic violates the Constitution’s prohibition of cruel and unusual punishment.”

In Virginia, the Lighthouse Fellowship on Chincoteague Island was fined $2500 for holding a church service for 16 parishioners. Though the 16 were each kept more than ten feet apart in the 293-seat church, a spokesman for Gov. Ralph Northam (D) justified the penalty on the grounds that “the Governor has banned all gatherings of more than ten people, no matter how far apart they may be. The issue is whether people do or don’t obey the rules laid down for them by the State. If they don’t they should expect to be punished.”

In Pennsylvania, Gov. Tom Wolf (D) ordered police to confiscate ventilators from hospitals that had the foresight to be prepared for a medical emergency so they can be transferred to hospitals that did not prepare. Since there is an existing Statewide Mutual Aid Agreement that already provides for assistance among health care organizations to support each other in times of supply, equipment, and/or staffing shortages, many questioned the need for Wolf’s intervention. Wolf explained that “I need to be seen as a decisive leader during this crisis. Ordering people to do something that they’re already doing is a non-obtrusive way for me to get the visibility I need to bolster the voters’ confidence in my role.”

In Vermont, Gov. Phil Scott (R) has ordered stores to stop selling vegetable seeds because “they are nonessential.” He discounted claims that customers needed the seeds to grow their own food, calling them “unqualified. They don’t have ag degrees or any prior experience. Growing food should be left to professional farmers. All others can buy food at the supermarket like normal people do.”

In Los Angeles, Mayor Eric Garcetti is implementing a “snitches get riches” program “to incentivize neighbors to rat each other out for violating my stay-at-home order.” Garcetti contrasted his “more humane approach to the type of intimidation that was so successfully deployed in the former Soviet Union. We will get similar results—widespread obedience—with less bloodshed. Many residents hate their neighbors. This will give them an opportunity to turn that hatred into cash while making the community a better place.”

Biden Shows Trump How to Be Presidential

Invigorated by rival Sen. Bernie Sanders exit from the race for the Democratic presidential nomination, former Vice-President Joe Biden turned his attention to the general election with a flurry of health policy initiatives that he says “will differentiate me from the failed incumbent.”

“Statistics show that more men than women are dying from the coronavirus,” he observed. “Yet, at the same time sex-change surgery has been classified as ‘elective’ rather than ‘essential’ medical care. One of the first actions I will take as president will be to reclassify these surgeries as ‘essential.’ Men should have the option to increase their chances of surviving the pandemic by becoming women. I will ensure that they have this option.”

In place of what he called “the ineffectual measures Trump has taken toward this virus. I have recruited Dr. Ezekiel Emanuel, the genius behind Obamacare, to head up my administration’s medical task force. He has some refreshing and innovative ideas that will totally transform the way we deliver health care in this country.”

One of Emanuel’s “refreshing ideas” is that “no one should want to live past the age of 75. Very few have much to offer society past this age. Most are a net drain on resources. Inasmuch as the coronavirus pretty selectively kills off those older than 75, letting the disease take its course will reduce the burden of having to care for so many individuals of low social value.”

Emanuel also urged that “we should relish the opportunity that the economic shutdown currently in place has given us to test out a radical restructuring of the way we live. By eliminating all nonessential production we have reduced the number of persons who have to work for a living. Only a small minority is required to operate the essential functions. The needs of the many can be met by the toil of the most able and energetic few. Labor-free leisure as a lifestyle for the vast majority is now within our grasp. That vast majority will provide the votes that make the Democratic Party the permanent ruling Party in this country.”

Planned Parenthood Launches Tele-Health Service

While some governors have declared that abortions are an “essential” service that must remain open during the shutdown, others have declared that abortion is a “nonessential” elective surgery. In an effort to overcome the ban on abortions in some states, Planned Parenthood is providing a “do-it-yourself” instructional video service.

“In this time of pandemic it should be clear that getting an abortion is more necessary than ever,” said PP spokesperson Adora Slaughter. “Elective surgeries are procedures that can be postponed without harm. A postponed abortion, though, leads to irreversible harm. An unwanted baby will inevitably be born within a matter of months in every case and have negative ripple effects for decades.”

“In states where we are not permitted to continue this vital health service at our abattoir facilities, patients will be able to view our video tutorial and, with the aid of a don’t-want-to-be-father, perform the procedure at home,” Slaughter advised. “In some important ways, the procedure is simpler than a lot of the recipes that cooking shows lead viewers through as they recreate the tasty dishes of master chefs. For one, the finished product doesn’t have to come out whole. A piece-by-piece extraction can satisfactorily do the job. It may be messier than hiring professionals to do the work, but it allows a woman to accomplish her objective on her own.”

Fauci Defends Exaggerated Death Forecasts

A recent study conducted in an early “hot spot” of COVID-19 in the Gangelt district of Heinsberg concluded that the actual death rate was 0.37%–one-fifth of Germany’s officially reported numbers. In Minnesota, Dr. Scott Jensen says he received a 7-page Center for Disease Control document coaching him to fill out death certificates in a way that overstates the number of COVID-19 deaths. He also suggested that the payment rules giving a hospital a “bonus” for attributing a death to this virus might also skew the official data.

White House adviser Dr. Anthony Fauci brushed aside the above reports, calling them “anecdotal and unreliable. Whether they might be true isn’t as important as the fact that they do not convey the message we were trying to communicate that the population needed to be sequestered in order to slow the spread of the disease. Do you think people would’ve willingly yielded their freedom of movement if they knew that the chance of dying from this virus was less than half of one-percent and that most of that was comprised of elderly persons with prior severe health issues?”

“It was imperative that we shock people into obedience to directives that under normal circumstances would’ve been considered extreme and even tyrannical,” Fauci explained. “It was for their own good and for the good of society. We flattened the curve and have spread the inevitable death toll over many months rather than have had it compacted into a shorter time frame. This extended many eventual victims’ lives by a few months. Isn’t that a valuable achievement?”

“We are also able to enjoy the benefits of lower traffic and less automobile pollution during the shutdown,” the Doctor pointed out. “Maybe people will come to realize that being shut in their homes isn’t all bad if it means we can have cleaner air and a cleaner environment. Maybe they will realize that having to work so hard just so they can buy more useless stuff isn’t as appealing as enjoying more leisure and a more modest lifestyle living on a government stipend. This pandemic gave us the chance to experience a new way of life that we may find is better than the old rut everyone was forced into under capitalism.”

Pelosi Refuses to Condemn Looting

Many of the “nonessential” businesses in House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s hometown of San Francisco have been looted. Others are boarding up all their windows in a desperate attempt to discourage looters.

Pelosi averred that “we shouldn’t be too quick to condemn people who are only trying to survive in tough times. Unemployment is at heights we haven’t seen in decades. Many have no incomes. On top of this, when times were better many of these businesses were price-gouging. So, I can see where there might be pent up anger driving some of the expropriations taking place.”

“I would advise people to take the time to consider whether what they call looting isn’t justifiable redistribution of property,” she recommended. “Who should own the goods hidden behind the boarded-up windows? Those who have legal title under our antiquated laws? Or those who need them? The only problem I see is that the do-it-yourself redistribution is inefficient. A lot of the merchandise gets damaged. Some who lack the skill to take what they need are left out of the redistribution attained by the looters. The Democratic Party has been aware of the inequities and inefficiencies inherent in our current economic arrangements for decades. If voters give our Party a majority in Congress and control of the presidency this November we can fix these problems.”

Schiff Demands FEC Fine Trump Campaign

While front line health professionals are waging a 24/7 battle to care for COVID-19 patients, the Trump campaign has been using donated funds to buy meals to feed some of these workers. Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif), leader of the recent attempt to impeach and remove President Trump from office, is demanding that the Federal Election Commission penalize the campaign for “this misappropriation of campaign funds.”

“Campaign funds are supposed to be used for campaign activities, not acts of benevolence,” Schiff complained. “Donors give campaign contributions expecting that it will be used to win elections or purchase favorable laws or policies. The sort of deviation that the Trump organization is engaged in is unfair to those of us who follow the rules.”

Schiff expressed the hope that “the FEC will come down hard on these guys. Maybe fines triple the amount they spent on the donated meals, ankle-bracelets for the campaign staff guilty of this infringement, and phone-taps to help deter future repetition of any similar illegal uses of funds. Meanwhile, I will be adding this charge to the next impeachment motion the House files against President Trump.”

Brad Parscale, manager for Trump’s 2020 reelection campaign, dismissed Schiff’s accusation as “pure nonsense. We are not only campaigners for Trump. We are also human beings. We are confident that the people who have donated to the President’s reelection approve of our effort to show appreciation for those busy saving lives during this health crisis. Our donors are also normal human beings. I shudder to imagine what kind of people donate to the campaign of someone as vile and reprehensible as Mr. Schiff.”

Democrat Denounced for Praising Trump

Michigan Democratic state Rep. Karen Whitsett praised President Trump for mentioning hydroxychloroquine. “It saved my life,” she said. “If he hadn’t talked about it on TV I never would have known to ask my doctor to prescribe it for me.”

Michigan’s Democratic Gov. Gretchen Whitmer expressed extreme displeasure “with Ms. Whitsett’s selfish behavior. The Democratic Party is battling to save the country from this monster getting reelected. The last thing we need is for one of our own to break ranks and praise him for anything.”

“First of all, there is no proof that this drug saved Ms. Whitsett’s life,” Whitmer argued. “Dr. Fauci, the nation’s foremost expert on coronavirus, says that the drug is unproven and dangerous. But even if it did, Ms. Whitsett putting her own survival ahead of the Party’s needs is unforgivably disloyal. She should have died before she said anything to undermine our Party’s primary objective. I just hope her words are forgotten by election day.”

Did China Burn Virus Victims Alive?

Residents of Wuhan, China claim to have heard the screams of coronavirus victims being burned alive in the local funeral home crematorium. While there is no official confirmation of this happening, it would account for the gap between the government’s admitted 3,000+ deaths and the seeming disappearance of more than 20,000 individuals from the town since the epidemic began.

On the other hand, Tedros Adhanom, head of the World Health Organization credited “the Chinese Government’s extreme intervention for crushing the epidemic. They didn’t hesitate to confine people in their homes, even going so far as to weld them inside if necessary. Did they burn anybody alive? Possibly, but sometimes harsh methods are warranted by dire circumstances. So I wouldn’t be so hasty to condemn them if they did.”

“I ask that critics compare China’s firm approach with the weak actions of Trump,” Adhanon urged. “Trump merely asked people to wash their hands and socially distance themselves. He didn’t order them to do anything. He even suggested that patients and doctors should have the freedom to try unproven therapies. What he should have done is made everyone wait until a vaccine is ready and mandate that everyone take it, like his adviser Dr. Fauci wants to do.”

The earliest a vaccine is expected to be available for combating the COVID-19 virus is twelve to eighteen months. Based on past experience with flu vaccines, it is unlikely that a vaccine for COVID-19 would be effective for most recipients.

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Schumer Appalled by Trump Letter

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) expressed his disgust at “Trump’s unpresidential response to my criticism of his failures. Rather than graciously acknowledge his deficiencies and resign from office, he defended his leadership during the COVID-19 crisis, corrected my so-called inaccuracies, and called me a bad senator.”

Trump rebutted the Senator’s criticisms by pointing out that “his demand that I appoint a ‘czar’ to lead us in this crisis conveniently ignores the fact that Vice-President Pence has already been appointed to head up our effort and that Rear Admiral John Polowczyk is in charge of purchasing and distributing medical supplies. His complaint that I have left the states to fend for themselves is demonstrably false. We have given lots of aid to his state of New York—much of it to make up for shortages resulting from prior poor decisions by Governor Cuomo.”

Schumer jumped at the chance to disprove Trump’s assertion that New York state officials were slow to take effective action against the virus, “why just yesterday, the legislature agreed to increase Gov. Cuomo’s salary to $250,000 by 2021. This will make him the highest paid governor in the United States. Clearly, this shows that the Party appreciates Gov. Cuomo’s earlier decision to save New York from having to pay $600 million for 16,000 ventilators that the federal government is now going to give us free of charge. He also lead a drive to shut down hospitals. Now the feds are giving us new hospitals, also free of charge. Gov. Cuomo is smarter than all the other governors who foolishly made their own taxpayers fund emergency medical supplies. That shows the kind of heads-up thinking that the country needs from our next president.”

Biden to Take “Hands-on” Approach to Find Running Mate

The presumptive Democratic presidential nominee, former Vice-President Joe Biden renewed his pledge “to have a woman be my running mate” and vowed he will “take a hands-on approach to vetting the field of contenders.”

One that has recently garnered Biden’s attention is Michigan Gov. Gretchen Whitmer. “She looks like she has what it will take to serve under me when I’m president,” he said. “That 180 degree turn she took on that malaria drug—first banning it in her state, then demanding the feds supply her with it—showed that she has moves. She also has some of the most alluring hair I’ve never touched.”

“I’m not saying she’s the one, though,” the Veep added. “There are others I’ve got to feel out to see if they measure up to my expectations and needs as head-of-state. As I recall, there were a few women in some of those debates that might do, though I can’t remember their names right now. And let’s not forget the transgenders. Jill and I have always liked the transgenders. Having someone like Georgia Gov. Stacey Abrams as my vice-president would be historic.”

Pelosi Calls for Investigation

This week, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) announced the creation of the House Select Committee on the Coronavirus Crisis. House Intelligence Committee Chairman Adam Schiff (D-Calif), leader of this year’s unsuccessful attempt to remove Trump from office via impeachment, is expected to head up this ad hoc committee.

President Trump has questioned the timing of this announcement and suggested that “we win the war against this virus rather than wasting precious time and scarce resources trying to allocate blame now. After we’ve won this war we can assess what went wrong and what went right so we can be better prepared for future medical emergencies.”

To bolster his suggestion, Trump recalled that “when Gov. Dewey—one of the great New York governors—was running against FDR in the 1944 election there were some urging him to support a congressional investigation of the Pearl Harbor disaster and why we were unprepared for the Japanese attack. While acknowledging that such an investigation might help him win the election, he declined to support it saying ‘I’d rather lose an election than lose a war.’ He put patriotism ahead of politics. Why can’t we do that now?”

“Need I point out that Dewey lost that election?” Pelosi retorted. “Given that Trump is a far more serious threat to the country than the virus, I can assure you that we Democrats will not be using Dewey as a model for us to emulate. Despite our best efforts over the past three years to save the nation from the incompetence and evil intent manifested by Trump, the peril has only grown worse. We owe it to the American people to use any means and every opportunity to end the nightmare that began on November 8, 2016 as soon as possible. If our inquiry distracts Trump from carrying out his inept actions during the crisis, so much the better.”

In other insane news, Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) and Rep. Ayanna Pressley (D-Mass) are demanding that Health and Human Services Secretary Alex Azar compile statistics on the race of COVID-19 patients. “We need to know whether minorities are suffering in numbers disproportionate to their share of the total population,” Warren said. “If they are that will be more evidence of the racist impacts of the Trump Administration’s handling of this crisis.”

New IG Report Reveals Rampant Corruption in FISA Program

While the news is inundated with stories about the COVID-19 pandemic, Inspector General of the Department of Justice Michael Horowitz issued a new report on the FISA program. His terse conclusion that “we do not have confidence in FBI policy compliance” grossly understated the gravity of the Agency’s transgressions.

The most alarming finding in this report is that 96% of the FISA applications requesting permission to spy on American citizens contained serious errors or omissions. These included “unverified, inaccurate, and inadequately supported allegations” that were used to get the FISA court to authorize the spying.

James Comey, FBI Director overseeing these defective requests to spy on Americans, insists that “these were all honest mistakes. Maybe we were a little sloppy in our zeal to prevent the unqualified Donald Trump from being elected president and exercising the powers entrusted to that office, but our intentions were good.”

As proof of his own good intentions, Comey pointed out that former CIA director John Brennan and former director of national intelligence James Clapper “also spied on Americans and lied about it under oath when they testified before Congress. When all the top intelligence professionals are simultaneously breaking the law and lying about it you’ve got to figure they have darn good cause for doing it.”

Petty Tyranny Pops Up Around the USA

Malibu, California: A man paddle-boarding in the Pacific Ocean off the coast was arrested and taken away in handcuffs for violating the state’s social distancing rules. He now faces a fine of up to $1,000 and/or a jail stint of up to six months. Earlier in the week, a lone surfer was arrested and fined $1,000. A spokesperson for Gov. Gavin Newsom explained that “while the fact that this perp was more than hundreds of feet from any other person might seem to be within the guidelines, it is not up to individuals to make this interpretation for themselves. Yes, being outdoors to exercise is one of the activities permitted under the stay-at-home order. However, if we are barring pick-up basketball games, which are very popular forms of exercise among African-American youths, it would be racist to allow options favored by whites. The deprivation and suffering must be racially balanced.”

San Francisco: A lone protester praying outside a Planned Parenthood abortion clinic was arrested for violating Gov. Newsom’s stay-at-home order. The arresting officer explained that “even though he was more than the specified ten feet from persons entering and leaving the facility, praying is not exercising. Neither is his contention that the Constitution’s First Amendment right to freedom of religion and freedom of speech takes precedence over the Governor’s order. During a health emergency individual rights must be put aside and everyone obey the orders they are given by their government.”

Laredo, Texas: The city council passed an ordinance requiring all persons over the age of 5 to have their nose and mouth covered when entering public buildings, using public transportation, and pumping gas. Additionally, anyone who is outside his or her residence between the hours of 10 pm and 5 am must have a letter of permission from a recognized authority. Violators are subject to a $1,000 fine or 180 days imprisonment. Thus far, three persons have died with the COVID-19 virus out of a total city population of more than 260,000.

Vermont: The Agency of Commerce and Community Development has ordered Walmart and Target to stop selling nonessential items. Secretary Lindsay Kurrle explained that “even though it might be convenient for consumers to buy such items while they’re shopping for groceries in these stores, it would be unfair to the clothing, housewares, and other stores that have been ordered closed by the governor.”

New York City: Mayor Bill de Blasio threatened to “permanently shut down any church or synagogue that refuses to obey Governor Cuomo’s ‘stay-at-home’ order. No one has the right to endanger the community by failing to comply with the directives of those in charge. Religion is the opiate of the masses. Praying to a non-existent God is a waste of time that can only be tolerated when it doesn’t interfere with the needs of the state.”

Washington, DC: Mayor Muriel Bowser has decreed that anyone who violates his “stay-at-home” order will be faced with a $5,000 fine and 90 days in jail. Mercedes Schlapp, an adviser to President Trump’s re-election campaign, questioned the sanity of this order. “Locking up curfew violators with the kinds of violent criminals that inhabit the City’s jails seems a cruel punishment for such a mild offense,” she tweeted. “And the $5,000 fine seems excessive.” Bowser replied “if you can’t do the time, don’t commit the crime” and added “the $5,000 fine is needed to cover the cost of the violator’s incarceration.”

Mayor Asks Criminals to Postpone Predatory Behavior

Houston Mayor Sylvester Turner went on TV to try to persuade criminals “to wait until the COVID-19 pandemic eases up, before you go out to rob, rape, or murder someone. I know you have needs. I know you have scores to settle. But the risk to your own health at this time is too great. Prey on the wrong person and you could get sick and maybe die. I’m not asking you to give up your careers or stifle your passions. I’m just advising you to be patient so you can violate the law later without undue risk to yourself.”

In related news, the ACLU has called for the release of all prisoners in the COVID-19 high-risk group. Spokesman Bertram Petty charged that “keeping these people confined in jails amounts to a death sentence. We also call for a moratorium on arrests for similar reasons. Putting more people behind bars during the pandemic will lead to more people coming down with the virus. This is an unacceptable violation of their human rights.”

In response, California Gov. Gavin Newsom commuted the sentences of 14 murderers to “time-served” and authorized their immediate release. “We don’t want these men’s blood on our hands,” he explained. “They were sentenced to life or lengthy prison terms, not death.”

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.nistration.”

Dems Demonstrate Leadership

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

In the midst of the coronavirus pandemic, Bill and Hillary Clinton donated more than 400 pizzas to all of the hospitals in their home county of Westchester, NY. The donation was heralded by a tweet from Hillary “thanking medical workers and everyone else who is working to save lives and keep us all going right now.”

Angela Cirilli, an emergency medicine ultrasound director at St John’s Riverside Hospital, tweeted her gratitude saying “Amazing !!! Thank you !!!! We NEED LEADERS LIKE YOU in this tough time.”

A spokesperson for the Clintons contrasted “this unprecedented act of generosity with Trump’s failure to answer Gov. Cuomo’s heart-felt pleas for more ventilators. His insistence that New York use the stockpile they have on hand before demanding more is heartless.”

Meanwhile, Cuomo called the $40 billion in aid earmarked for his state in the recently passed Coronavirus Aid, Relief, and Economic Security (CARES) Act “irresponsibly inadequate. The money is restricted to covering only coronavirus-related expenses. As a high-tax state, though, our government coffers are being especially hard hit by the statewide economic shutdown I ordered. As president of the whole country, it is Trump’s duty to transfer resources from low-tax states to help cover our revenue losses.”

Ironically, Cuomo passed up an opportunity to replenish ventilator supplies during 2015’s state budget negotiations—opting instead for a triage approach based on each patient’s “social value score” to allocate the existing 4,000 ventilators on-hand at the time. Money that could have been spent on ventilators then was instead used to print thousands of “I love New York” banners for distribution and display at various locations around the state. In his defense, Cuomo pointed out that “President Obama was also cutting expenditures for the Centers for Disease Control around that time. Why should I be held to a higher standard than a Nobel Prize winner?”

Since Cuomo took over as governor, 174 New York City hospitals have been closed. Trump has sent a navy hospital ship with 1,000 beds to New York City. The Governor expressed a modicum of appreciation, but pointed out “this is only a stop-gap measure. When the crisis passes this ship will sail away. The federal government needs to fund construction of new permanent hospitals with the CARES Act money.”

Dem Governors Ban Virus Therapy

In Michigan, Gov. Half Whitmer (D) warned doctors and pharmacists that their licenses could be revoked if they prescribe hydroxychloroquine or chloroquine to patients suffering from COVID-19. In Nevada, Gov. Steve Sisolak (D) also barred doctors from prescribing these drugs for COVID-19.

Sisolak explained that “there is no proof that these drugs are effective in treating this virus. Until there is proof we cannot allow patients to be subjected to a possibly ineffective therapy.” The Governor argued that “this action wouldn’t have been necessary if Trump hadn’t endorsed these drugs on national TV.”

These bans run directly contrary to President Trump’s “right to try” philosophy regarding medical care. “I’m not saying that these drugs are THE CURE,” he reminded. “There have been reports from doctors who have tried these drugs and the results have been encouraging. Since these drugs have been off patent for decades they are inexpensive. If attending physicians and their patients want to try these drugs, I don’t think the government should stop them from doing what they think is best for their health and survival.”

Comedian Says “Trump Is Trying to Kill Me”

Kathy Griffin, the “comedian” who sent her career into a tailspin with repeated barrages of vicious and intemperate jibes at President Trump, the most infamous of which was a picture of her holding what appeared to be his severed head, recently checked into a hospital and demanded she be tested for COVID-19. Since her symptoms didn’t meet the guidelines, the hospital refused.

After examining the patient, the hospital doctor diagnosed her ailment as a “stomach infection,” gave her a prescription and sent her home. Griffin contends that this diagnosis “was politically tainted. I’ve been on a ‘blacklist’ ever since I tried to use my freedom of speech to call attention to Trump’s lack of qualifications to be president. At first, this just meant that a lot of places refused to book my gigs. Now, apparently, it means I can’t get the same go-to-the-head-of-the-line privileges that are normally afforded to celebrities. Trashing my career, denying me the medical care I want—clearly Trump is trying to kill me.”

Griffin said she has “asked Gov. Newsom to intervene on my behalf.” However, the Governor’s office has demurred, saying that “President Trump has been exceptionally attentive and expeditious in addressing our needs and concerns. All of the state’s medical professionals have been doing an outstanding job of allocating tests and treatments to those who need them. We will not besmirch them for correctly following procedures and ignoring the hysterical ravings of one disappointed woman.”

Plastic Bag Ban Temporarily Lifted

Publicly acknowledging that reusable bags spread germs, Boston Mayor Marty Walsh has temporarily lifted the City’s ban on using disposable plastic bags to carry merchandise out of stores. Gov. Charlie Baker (R) bolstered this move by banning reusable bags statewide and allowing merchants to offer plastic bags in their place while the COVID-19 pandemic persists.

Numerous studies have amply demonstrated that reusable bags are infested with pathogens. It is one thing to allow anti-plastic zealots to carry them around. It is yet another for such bags to be made the only legal option for shoppers. Plastic bags became dominant in a free market because of their convenience, efficiency, and safety. Forcing everyone to use less convenient, less efficient and less safe reusable bags makes no sense.

Yet, both the mayor and governor insist that lifting the ban on plastic bags will be only a temporary respite from the baleful effects of the reusable bags. “Mandating that people rely on reusable bags has a ‘feel good’ quality to it,” Baker said. “It doesn’t seem wasteful like the single-use plastic bag does. People can easily imagine that they’re doing something good for the environment.”

Walsh pointed out that “in my opinion, the extra risk posed by reusable bags is relatively small compared to the psychological benefits gained from the belief that you are somehow helping the environment to be more pristine. And who’s to say that hauling around harmful microbes when you shop doesn’t help build a stronger ‘herd immunity’ in the long run?”

Mayor Sees “Silver Lining” in Pandemic

Los Angeles Mayor Eric Garcetti urged that “we look on the bright side of the current pandemic. Sure there are inconveniences that must be endured, but there is also a ‘silver lining.’ Consider the positive developments we have observed so far.”

“The widespread fear of the contagion has inspired a much higher rate of public cooperation with the autocratic measures we have seen fit to impose,” the Mayor pointed out. “We tell people to go to their homes and stay there. Almost everyone obeys. For the few who don’t we cut off their electricity and water—making their lives hellish and squalid.”

“With the streets cleared of potential victims, muggings have decreased,” Garcetti bragged. “Since no one is supposed to be out and about it is easier for police to intercept would-be burglars and rapists before they can make it to the homes and businesses they plan to break into.”

“All this has been achieved by ordering nonessential activities to cease,” he marveled. “I think we need to consider whether we should make the lock-down permanent. Why should we ever let nonessential activities resume after the virus crisis has passed? Doesn’t the ‘nonessential’ designation tell us that these activities are unnecessary drains on the collective well-being? If the government can divert all resources to only essential activities wouldn’t everyone be better off? This crisis has shown us a new way forward toward the progressive ideal we Democrats have been trying to bestow upon the population.”

Study Contradicts COVID-19 Media Narrative

Despite a cacophony of criticisms directed at President Trump’s handling of the COVID pandemic claiming it was too hasty, it’s too sluggish, it’s anti-science, and racist, a study by the Johns Hopkins Center for Health Security (JHCHS) published in late 2019 found that the United States was more prepared for a pandemic than any other country in the world.

MSNBC anchor Andrea Mitchell dismissed the Study’s findings, calling them “myopic in scope. The preparedness index was narrowly focused on medical issues like quantities of hospitals, doctors, equipment and medicines. It totally overlooked the political downside of generating a favorable image of Trump among voters. Everyday, Trump appears on TV giving updates on the status of the disease and the progress his team is making to overcome it. Meanwhile, Vice-President Biden pointed out that even if the US was the best prepared we still were only 87 percent ready. Trump’s failure to get us 100 percent ready shows his incompetence. Biden’s hard-hitting assessment has been mostly ignored. I fear that the lesser danger of the virus is laying the groundwork for the greater danger of Trump’s reelection.”

It’s not that Biden hasn’t been trying to garner more attention. His intended “shadow” briefings on the pandemic have not gone particularly well, what with the gaffes and technical mishaps marring his presentation. His virtual “happy hour” had an average viewership of less than 3,000 for the full length of the sixty-minute program.

Then, too, there is the accusation made by former staffer Tara Reade that he reached inside her skirt and fondled her back in 1993. Biden called Reade’s accusation “cruel and insensitive. It was an honest mistake. I thought I was reaching under my kilt to scratch myself, groping around trying to find my Johnson before I remembered I wasn’t wearing a kilt that day. If Tara’s plaid skirt hadn’t looked so much like the Biden Clan plaid I don’t think I would’ve mistaken it for my kilt. So, it’s partly her fault.”

Pelosi Mocks Trump’s Desire to Get America Back to Work

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) mocked President Trump’s desire to reopen shuttered businesses as soon as possible, calling it “totally irrational. Studies have shown that unemployment compensation is the super fuel for economic prosperity. With unemployment benefits a person has both an income and freedom from labor. Trump would throw this ideal away by forcing individuals to sacrifice their leisure in order to earn and income.”

The Speaker suggested that “Trump doesn’t understand science. When you can maximize income while minimizing effort your return on investment is the best it can be. The current medical crisis is giving us the opportunity to carry out a real-life experiment that will prove the truth of what I’m saying and the Democratic Party has been working to achieve since the days of FDR. The myth of capitalism is that wealth must be created by arduous effort under the guidance of investors and management. The steps that have been taken by many governors to confine people to their homes combined with the trillion dollar aid package Congress just passed will once-and-for-all show voters that the progressive model for running the country—living and thriving without toil—will restore humanity to the Garden of Eden that God intended for all of us.”

Biden Touts Chinese Nostrum for COVID-19

Former Vice-President Joe Biden sharply criticized President Trump for “pushing an unproven malaria drug as a cure for the virus. A couple in Arizona poisoned themselves by taking it. My son has used his business connections in China to secure millions of doses of a traditional folk remedy for respiratory ailments. It’s a formula comprised of bear bile, goat horn and dried fruit.”

“It’s time for us to undo the mistakes of the previous administration,” Biden said. “So today, I am issuing an executive order for the Health and Human Services Department to purchase as many doses as Hunter can round up. I have heard the pleas of the long-suffering Gov. Cuomo and Mayor de Blasio. Unlike the incompetent Trump, I am ordering that all New York City residents be immediately inoculated for a clinical study of this formula.”

In related news, Rhode Island Gov. Gina Raimondo (D) has ordered the National Guard “to conduct a statewide house-to-house search for refugees from the New York City virus epicenter. Everyone we find will be put on buses. When each bus is full it will be driven to New York City where the passengers will be able to receive the bear bile injections promised by the Biden AdmiA

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.nistration.”

 

Shut Down Order Assailed

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Pennsylvania Gov. Tom Wolf’s order directing all but “life-sustaining” businesses to shut down has spurred objections from several sectors. The law firm of Costopoulos, Foster & Fields asked the Pennsylvania Supreme Court for an emergency injunction to allow the firm to reopen.

“The governor’s order is so broad and sweeping, it is manifestly unconstitutional and illegal,” wrote William Costopoulos. “No work is more essential than defending our clients accused of crimes. The postponement of trials that has been offered as a justification for temporarily shutting down our office is not a sufficient remedy. Under our laws, the accused has the right to a speedy trial. If that isn’t available, the charges must be dropped.”

David Taylor, president and CEO of the Pennsylvania Manufacturers’ Association, pointed out that “Wolf’s order is blocking supply chains from providing essential products. The order has halted timber operations that are necessary to resupply the paper products that have disappeared from store shelves. It has also stopped the coal production needed for manufacturing the steel required for making other essential products.”

Wolf rebuffed the objections, asserting that “now that the federal government is going to mail everyone a check, there isn’t a need to manufacture anything. All anyone has to do is order what they need by phone or over the Internet and it can be delivered to their home while they shelter-in-place. As for the lawyers, they can consult with their clients by phone from home and write their briefs on their laptop computers. Their clients will be well-cared for in jail, unless they are in the Philadelphia jurisdiction, where those indicted for crimes will be released for the duration of the crisis.”

In related news, California Sen. Kamala Harris, rumored “short list” contender for the vice-presidential running mate slot on a Democratic ticket with presidential candidate former Vice-President Joe Biden, urged that “all low-risk prison inmates should be released. Being cooped up in close quarters during the epidemic could be a death sentence. That would be a cruel and unusual punishment for individuals whose only crime is a ‘property crime.’ The next Democratic Administration will usher in a new attitude toward property where the government will take it from those who don’t need it and give it to those who do. Why should individuals who have already taken the initiative to do this on their own continue to be punished in our prisons?”

Trump Blamed for Coronavirus

With New York City accounting for a disproportionately large share of the coronavirus cases in the US, Mayor Bill de Blasio is blaming President Trump because “we need radical action right away.”

The Mayor declined to take any radical action himself, saying “that’s not my job. There needs to be a single point from which all dictates must be issued. That point is the President. Those of us at the local level must remain free, as we have been thus far, to criticize any mistakes or flaws that might taint the President’s actions.”

One of the “flaws” that the President’s political opponents have freely criticized so far was “the racist travel ban” Trump imposed on travel to the US from China in early February. Former Vice-President Joe Biden denounced the ban calling it “xenophobic, unnecessary, and a threat to the sensitive business arrangements between the Chinese government and my son.” However, medical experts are now crediting Trump’s travel ban for reducing the spread of the disease in the US.

In related news, CNN’s Stephen Collinson charges that “Trump’s repeated efforts to offer Americans a glimmer of hope in these dark times impedes the portrait of disaster and doom we have been cultivating. Look, our efforts to oust Trump over Russian collusion was years in the making and fell through. We got the House to impeach him over the Ukraine phone call, but were stymied by the Senate’s refusal to convict. This virus may be our last chance before voters reelect him in November. Surely the chaos that has ensued since he took office ought to show the American people that their best hope for peace and quiet won’t be attained as long as Trump remains president.”

Senators Say Insider-Trading Law Doesn’t Apply

Revelations that several senators privy to inside information on the coronavirus managed to sell some of their stocks before the market crash has inspired accusations that they broke the law. The specific law in question is the Stop Trading on Congressional Knowledge (STOCK) Act. This law was passed by Congress and signed by President Obama in 2012. Violations could result in prison terms of up to 20 years and fines up to $5,000,000.

Sen. Diane Feinstein (D-Calif), who serves as ranking member of the Senate Judiciary Committee, was one of the senators accused of violating this law. The others were Richard Burr (R-NC), Kelly Loeffler (R-GA), James Inhofe (R-OK) and Ron Johnson (R-Wisc).

Feinstein admitted that “I can’t speak to the guilt or innocence of the others, but I can state that the law does not apply to me. First, it is my husband who makes all the investment decisions in our household, even when it comes to trading my stocks. So, no one can prove beyond a reasonable doubt that I broke the law. Second, President Obama would never have signed the bill into law if he thought it would ever be used against a public figure of my stature and long tenure.”

Loeffler, whose husband is the chairman and CEO of the New York Stock Exchange, honed in on the statute’s “for profit” clause and explained that “my husband makes all of our family’s investment decisions and as he told me, the sale was not ‘for profit,’ but to avoid a loss.” Burr, Inhofe, and Johnson each asserted “same here” after learning of “exculpatory explanations” offered by Feinstein and Loeffler.

Teens Prank Grocery Store

Pushed to the breaking point by the closure of restaurants, movies, beaches and other favorite sources of amusement, some teens are coughing on grocery store produce. One incident occurred in the Washington DC exurb of Purcellville, Virginia. Police investigating the case said that “there is a national trend by teenagers to cough on food, video it and post the video on the web.”

Malcolm Tendt, admitted “camera man” in the Virginia prank, defended his peers, asking “what are we supposed to do for fun? None of the guys doing the coughing are really sick. The geezers who see us in the stores aren’t supposed to be there and they’re not tech-savvy enough to find our posts on the Internet. So, who are we hurting?”

Meanwhile in San Francisco, government officials have turned a blind eye to the rampant looting sweeping the locked-down city. Mayor London Breed suggested that “there’s probably less of a chance of catching the virus breaking into a closed business than standing in line to buy food and toilet paper from a business that’s open. I don’t think police resources should be used to harass people who are only trying to stay healthy while meeting their daily needs.”

Schiff Claims Immunity

House Intelligence Committee chairman Adam Schiff (D-Calif) has claimed “sovereign immunity” in his attempt to thwart public scrutiny of the Trump impeachment hearing transcripts and supporting documents that he has declared “must forever remain secret.”

“The essence of effective government relies heavily upon our ability to conceal our methods from those without a ‘need to know,’” Schiff argued. “Right now, China is overtaking us as the world’s dominant power largely because of their ability to operate without fear of external scrutiny. If we hope to keep pace we must adapt similar methods. Outsiders like the execrable Judicial Watch, who seek to defame and undermine the government, should not be empowered to interfere.”

In related news, the Democratic National Committee asked the U.S. District Court for Northern Illinois to dismiss Carter Page’s lawsuit for defamation of character. “Mr. Page is such a minor figure is the flow of history that his reputation is of no significance,” the Perkins-Coie motion asserted. “Weightier matters were at stake, namely whether the nation could be saved from the election of an unqualified outsider as the nation’s president. Future heroic efforts like those of the Clinton campaign, David Steele, and Perkins Coie in 2016 must not be discouraged out of fear of having to pay monetary damages for actions taken in pursuit of their sincerely held political beliefs.”

German Army to Fight Coronavirus

Anxious to recapture “the patriotic solidarity of the German people during World War II,” Chancellor Angela Merkel is calling on the Army “to smash the virus like we smashed Poland in 1939.”

The Chancellor was unable to lay out any specific actions the Army would take other than to suggest “it would definitely be a rapid, blitzkrieg type of approach. If we can inspire the same kind of fanaticism among the troops that enabled us to conquer Poland in less than six weeks, I’m confident that we can conquer the coronavirus in short order. And this time we will not repeat the errors that Chancellor Hitler made by attacking Russia and declaring war on the United States.”

Meanwhile in the United States, actor Sean Penn advised “the US Army to overthrow the inept Trump regime and install a military government that will take the stern measures needed to combat the coronavirus. We need total obedience from everyone, internment camps for dangerous deviants, and summary executions for those who resist authority. That’s what my friend Hugo Chavez did to set Venezuela on the right track before he died.”

Reporter Sees Upside of Pandemic

CBS correspondent Vladimir Duthiers urged viewers to “try to see the positive aspects of the coronavirus pandemic. Only a few thousand have died. I’m not trying to sugarcoat that. At the same time, though, shutting down businesses and quarantining people in their homes has had beneficial impacts on the environment. Here in Italy, traffic is light. The air is clean. I think this shows what the whole world could be like if the trucking and bartering of the marketplace were to be replaced with a command economy.”

Duthiers observed that “fear of the virus has made the population docile and obedient in a way that could not be as easily achieved under normal circumstances. Individuals who would have otherwise resisted the type regimentation that has been accomplished over the last couple of weeks are actually cheering the government on and calling for nonconformists to be punished. It’s a miraculous breakthrough that provides a clear road map on to how to implement the progressive transformation of human society.”

Coronavirus Prompts Revised Transit Policies

In a bid to protect citizens from undue exposure to the coronavirus, the Madison, Wisconsin Metro Transit system has issued new guidelines for bus operations. Starting this week, Metro Transit will limit the number of persons allowed on a bus to one at a time.

Mayor Satya Rhodes-Conway pointed out that “since each bus requires a driver, no passengers will be allowed on board as long as the driver is behind the wheel. We recognize that ordinarily this would present a hardship for those who depend on public transit to get around the City. To mitigate the hardship on riders, I have ordered all residents to shelter-in-place where they live.”

“To boost community morale, the buses will continue to travel their usual routes,” the Mayor added. “That way when people look out their windows they’ll still see the buses running and be comforted. The drivers will still have jobs and the paychecks that go with those jobs. This will partially offset the economic losses of the businesses I have ordered to close and the employees who will be out of work.”

“Anti-civic naysayers will say that these new policies are senseless, but I challenge them to offer any better ideas they may have for coping with the unprecedented conditions I am faced with,” she concluded.

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Ayatollah Says It’s Okay to Accept Vaccine from Israel

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Reports that Israel may soon produce a vaccine for the coronavirus prompted Iran’s Grand Ayatollah Naser Makarem Shirazi to say “it’s okay for Muslims to accept it.” The revered cleric cited an instance in the Prophet Muhammad’s life to support his ruling.

“Mohammed was the first man to receive Allah’s command to exterminate the Jews,” he pointed out. “Yet, there came a moment when he agreed to a truce with these vermin that both sides should lay down their arms. When the Jewish army complied with this agreement the Prophet ordered them seized and beheaded.”

“If Muslims are to obey the command to slay the Jews we must survive,” the Ayatollah explained. “If the Jews in their greed are willing to sell us a medicine that helps us to survive, it is our right to take this medicine so we may live to carry out our religious obligation to rid the world of Jews when we are well enough to do so. We must not make the same mistake that Hitler made by allowing a Jew named Einstein to escape his grasp and carry the knowledge of how to build the atom bomb over to his enemies. Hitler could have won the war and had the opportunity to thoroughly exterminate Satan’s spawn.”

Pelosi Defends Abortion-Funding Clause in Coronavirus Bill

President Trump’s hope for bipartisan legislation to combat the coronavirus pandemic was put in doubt when House Democrats tried to include non-pertinent add-on spending to it. A particularly egregious add-on was a provision that would authorize spending federal funds on abortions.

After the U.S. Supreme Court declared that women had a right to abort unwanted babies up to the third trimester in its 1973 Roe v. Wade ruling, Rep. Henry Hyde (R-Ill) led a bipartisan majority to enact a law barring the use of taxpayer funds to provide abortions. His reasoning was that since many taxpayers considered abortion to be murder, they shouldn’t be compelled to finance it.

Since some members of her party opposed adding this provision to the coronavirus emergency bill, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) was unable to garner a enough votes to support passage with language that included the abortion funding. Nevertheless, she still insists that “funding desperately needed abortions must be a critical element of the fight against the coronavirus pandemic. Every child born is a future potential victim of the virus. Parents who want to spare their children from suffering and possibly dying from this dreaded new disease should not be denied this human right just because they can’t afford to pay for their own abortions.”

“Individuals who have moral objections to abortion have a civic duty to put aside their personal beliefs for the sake of the collective well-being of society,” the Speaker asserted. “Under our laws, abortion is not considered murder. For us to continue to tolerate idiosyncratic objections under the pretense of a moral code that has no legal foundation only rewards the inherent selfishness of these deviants. We need to take heed of China’s more enlightened approach to religion. There, religious freedom is bounded by the necessity to comply with the moral directives decreed by a government that has placed the good of the whole ahead of the objections of a minority.”

Media Dolts Praise “Courageous” and “Charming” Biden

In a campaign stop at a Michigan automobile factory, Democratic presidential candidate former Vice-President Joe Biden verbally chastised a worker, called him a “horse’s ass,” and threatened to “slap you in the face.” The worker’s offense was to disagree with Biden’s position on gun control.

Atlantic writer David Frum called Biden’s outburst “terrific. I think this lays to rest the contention that the Vice-President isn’t up to the job of running the country. This was the kind of language the working class voters can appreciate. Joe is the father figure they’ve all been waiting for—a no nonsense guy who puts their juvenile ideas into their proper place.”

Frum alleged that “Trump is too much of a coward to tell it like it is. He’d let every yokel out there decide for himself whether he wants to exercise his so-called Second Amendment right to bear arms, rather than calmly explain why the government has to limit firearm ownership to only those who can show a true need. Biden has already signaled that he will appoint ‘hell yes, we’re going to take your AR-15, your AK-47′ Beto O’ Rourke as his ‘guns czar’ when he is president.”

CNN’s John King found Biden’s charge that the worker was “full of sh*t” to be “charming. It’s authentic and earthy. Reminds me of the kind of vulgarity that LBJ displayed from time-to-time. And he won a landslide victory over Barry Goldwater in 1964. I think verbally slapping down a ‘gun-rights’ voter will work in Joe’s favor among Democrats.”

Pelosi Condemns “Bigoted” Tweet

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) demanded that House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy (R-Calif) apologize for mentioning that the coronavirus originated in China. “Bigoted statements which spread misinformation and blame Asians for the coronavirus make us all less safe,” she claimed. “This is just more of Trump’s ‘America first’ garbage. The Chinese government doesn’t agree that this disease originated in their country. Their theory is that the US Army covertly introduced the coronavirus by planting infected bats in Wuhan restaurants where unsuspecting gourmands would eat them and get sick.”

“Sadly, McCarthy isn’t the only racist to unfairly implicate China,” the Speaker added. “Secretary of State Mike Pompeo, Sen. Tom Cotton (R-Ark), and Rep. Paul Gosar (R-Ariz) have each had their turn at it.”

McCarthy characterized Pelosi’s statement as “another in a long line of political smears that have supplanted civil discussion from the Democratic side of the aisle. Historically, it has been common to identify new diseases by their place of origin. A few weeks ago the media itself—including the Washington Post, NBC, and CNN—were using the phrases ‘Chinese coronavirus’ and ‘Wuhan virus’ to describe this new disease. Are they all racists too?”

NY Solution to Hand Sanitizer Shortage Inspires Sanders

Fear of the coronavirus has led to a run on hand sanitizer supplies leaving store shelves empty of the product. In New York, Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D) announced that inmates in the state’s prisons are now producing hand sanitizer at a cost of only $6.10 per gallon.

Contender for the Democratic presidential nomination Sen. Bernie Sanders (Vt) hailed this as “a model for how we take profiteering out of the process of meeting the needs of the people. Instead of allowing billionaires to rip off their customers we’ll put them to work while they are behind bars. We’ll convert them from being capitalist exploiters into honest laborers for the common good.”

A second aspect of the hand sanitizer solution that Sanders found admirable is that “the product won’t be sold in the markets, but will be distributed on the basis of need. Rather than having a corporate board of directors setting prices based on what the market will bear, government officials will be determining who are the most deserving recipients. This ensures that social justice will triumph over selfishness.”

“We are fortunate that a disease pandemic has had the ‘silver lining’ of illustrating how true socialism can work miracles for the benefit of humanity,” the Senator observed. “Where the market has failed, the State of New York has pioneered a remedy. Using prisoners keeps costs low. Since the state provides their room-and-board for free, they’re satisfied to work for only 65 cents per hour. We are slowly relearning the truths demonstrated in the Soviet Gulags where social and political misfits were put to work for the common good. If we can overcome our ill-placed squeamishness, we can also harness these techniques for transforming our country.”

In related news, Sanders has vowed to give a nonstop speech to America for the duration of the coronavirus pandemic. He modestly explained that “it’s the least I can do in this time of crisis. I have no medical skills or knowledge to contribute, but I do have the stamina to try to entertain those self-quarantined at home. There are many stories of heroic socialists—like Lenin who executed the Tsar and his family, Stalin who executed the counterrevolutionaries, and Fidel who executed the capitalist parasites—that I can tell to help boost everyone’s spirits.”

AOC Says Refusal to Eat in Chinese Restaurants “Racist”

Leary of the coronavirus, some people are avoiding eating in Chinese restaurants. Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) has branded people who do this “racists.” She, herself, doesn’t eat in Chinese restaurants, but insisted “I’m not racist because only whites can be racist.”

“Actually, it would be cultural inappropriate for me, a person of Puerto Rican descent, to eat Chinese food,” she maintained. “I only eat Puerto Rican food, as is appropriate for a person of my racial background.”

CBO Urges High School Grads to Forgo College

The Congressional Budget Office (CBO) released an assessment of the cost of a college education and advised recent high school graduates planning on getting one to “save your money. You’re going to need it to help pay down the student debt of those foolish enough to have already incurred the cost of earning a degree.”

The CBO report found that “a glut of graduates without marketable skills has led to a crash in the salaries many of them counted on to repay the loans they took out to be able to afford going to college. What America needs now is for more high school grads to enter the workforce and get real jobs producing products and services that consumers are willing to pay for. Not only will this likely boost individual gains, but it will also produce surpluses that can be taxed away to cover the losses the government has suffered from student-loan defaults. It may seem kind of a raw deal for one generation to have to pay the debts of a preceding generation, but sometimes sacrifices have to be made for the common good.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Bill Clinton Touts Sex for Anxiety Relief

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Former President Bill Clinton is aggrieved that “I was persecuted for trying to ease my anxieties with sexual healing. Throughout history, powerful men have been allowed to consort with concubines or mistresses as a way to recharge after the stress of ruling a nation. Every Chinese emperor had a whole room full of compliant women. Henry VIII of England had mistresses all around the country. Yet, I was mercilessly hounded for my casual relationships aimed at achieving a similar relief.”

Clinton expressed a bit of remorse “that Monica Lewinsky’s life may have been ruined by the notoriety after our relationship was exposed, but that wasn’t my fault. It was the Republicans and the media that made it into an unnecessary scandal. They’re the ones that should be ashamed.”

One person who isn’t the least bit sympathetic toward Clinton’s “persecution” is Juanita Broaddrick—a woman who has accused him of raping her in 1978. “I guess the stress of being Arkansas Attorney General must have been so unbearable that he couldn’t make the effort to find a willing sexual partner,” she wryly commented. “The kind of privilege he thinks he is entitled to is the privilege of tyrants. We are supposed to be a nation where everyone is equal under the laws. Except for having to pay civil damages to one victim of his lewd advances—a penalty funded by other people’s money—he has escaped the just consequences of his predatory behavior. This set a horrible example that probably encouraged similar depredations by the likes of Jeffery Epstein and Harvey Weinstein—both of whom were Clinton cronies and donors before their crimes were exposed.”

In related news, Hillary Clinton claims, “I’m the most investigated innocent person in America. In 2016, as then FBI Director James Comey pointed out, there’s nothing illegal about a high government official keeping classified documents on her own personal devices. The fact that I deleted all these records and destroyed all the devices once I perceived a threat showed that I was taking appropriate measures. If it weren’t for Weiner’s sexting prompting Comey to make an October statement linking my name to that scandal I would be president today. So, clearly, I’ve been the biggest loser in the worst miscarriage of justice in our nation’s history.”

Dems Make Bizarre Remarks About Supreme Court Case

As the US Supreme Court was hearing arguments over a Louisiana law aimed at protecting the lives of babies who survive an abortion procedure, Sen. Charles Schumer (NY) was addressing a mob outside the courtroom. During his rant, he warned Justices Gorsuch and Kavanaugh that “you will pay the price. You won’t know what hit you if you go forward with these awful decisions.” Presumably, the “awful decision” would be to uphold the state law protecting abortion survivors.

After numerous criticisms from both Republicans and Democrats, Schumer attempted to justify what he said by characterizing it as “an expression of concern for the safety” of the two men. “It was only four years ago when a Supreme Court Justice died under mysterious circumstances. That Justice had issued numerous opinions of a similar offensive nature. I was trying to warn Gorsuch and Kavanaugh to not make the same kind of mistake on the case currently before the Court.”

The senator also pointed out that “we’re talking about only a very tiny minority of individuals who might benefit from this law. The vast majority of abortions go through without there being a survivor. I question the value of a law that would result in creating rights for this minority, especially when these rights explicitly contradict the wishes of the mothers of these undesired individuals. Shouldn’t the good of the greater number outweigh the purported right to life of the few?”

Meanwhile, two members of the left-wing “squad” in the House of Representatives also vehemently criticized the possibility the Court might uphold the Louisiana law. Rep. Ayanna Pressley (Mass) charged that “upholding this law will infringe on racial justice” because “it will disproportionately prevent Black women from aborting their unwanted children. Blacks make up only 13 percent of the population, but have 36 percent of the abortions. If this law is upheld how many more Blacks will be forced into the labor force by Trump’s policies when they could’ve been safely rescued from this fate by a timely termination?”

Rep. Rashida Tlaib (Mich) claimed that the Louisiana law “would do irreparable harm to my sex life. What man would want to have sex with me knowing that a potential offspring might not be successfully aborted?” Rep. Ilhan Omar Minn) alleged that the law is “only the latest in a long history of efforts to criminalize women for simply existing.” Which is ironic in that half of the children whose lives would be saved by this law are female. Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (NY) objected to the law because “it does nothing to protect the reproductive rights of non-binary people.”

Trump Okay with BLM Resignations

President Trump’s decision to move some of the offices of the Bureau of Land Management geographically closer to the land being managed, has led to more than a 50 percent attrition rate in the staff. Of the 187 personnel that would be required to relocate 87 have chosen to leave their jobs.

Steve Ellis, who retired from BLM’s top career-level post in 2018, denounced the relocation policy as “a brain drain. There is a lot of really solid expertise walking out the door.”

Trump, however, sees things differently. “We all know that the bureaucracy is bloated with excess personnel,” he said. “Yet Congress refuses to cut the fat out of the budget. By using my executive authority to relocate where federal employees shall discharge their official duties, the results in this small example show a path toward downsizing via a voluntary departure of those who’s addiction to the DC swamp outweighs their duty to work for the benefit of the American people.”

House Natural Resources Committee Chairman Raul Grijalva called Trump’s decision “another abuse of power. These federal employees have rights. One of those rights is to a secure employment that cannot be disturbed by a change in administrations. I will use my subpoena power to call in employees who have been harmed by this policy to determine if there are new grounds for impeaching the President arising from this action on his part.”

Biden Promises Cure for Alzheimer’s Disease

Offering himself as “a prime example of the importance of curing this horrible disease,” Democratic candidate for president, former Vice-President Joe Biden, vowed “to spend whatever it takes to find a cure.”

“Here’s the deal, the polls show that I will beat Trump in the November election,” he elaborated. “Admittedly, I have had instances of mental lapses that scare even me. Advisers have reassured me that I will have a staff that will stop me from doing anything crazy or stupid. But staffers aren’t elected. The American people deserve to know that their president will receive the best medical care possible. So, we have to have a blank-check approach to not only Alzheimer’s, but to cancer, diabetes and poverty. I think that is what voters want. And that is what I pledge to do if I’m elected.”

In other Biden news, the candidate pledged to “reappoint Nancy Pelosi as House Speaker if I win in November. If we’re going to get anything done it is essential that we play with a full deck. That includes not only the presidency, but also the legislature. If I’m going to have laws to sign, I need a Congress that will pass those laws. Nancy is the best person to ensure that the laws we want get passed. So, yes, I’m definitely going to keep her on my team when I’m president.”

Biden also rejected the endorsement of his candidacy by former FBI Director James Comey, calling him “a back-stabber. First he was for Hillary and buried an investigation of her email shenanigans, but late in the 2016 campaign he again raised the issue. He’s a rat that can’t be trusted. He’s lucky to still be alive.” Biden did, however, accept the endorsement of former CIA Director John Brennen who called Biden “one of the most honest, decent, practical, and experienced individuals with whom I have ever worked.”

Gabbard Qualifies for Next Democratic Debate

Since Rep. Tulsi Gabbard (Hawaii) won a delegate from Samoa on Super Tuesday, she now meets the current requirements laid out by the Democratic National Committee for candidates to be included in the next debate.

However, DNC communications director Xochitl Hinojosa announced Tuesday night that “we are upping the requirements going forward. The inclusion of Rep. Gabbard at this stage is not in the best interests of the Party. All the top people have determined that it is best that everyone get behind former Vice-President Joe Biden as our nominee. Allowing Gabbard back in at this late date is incompatible with that objective.”

“Ideally, we would also appreciate it if Sen. Sanders were to fall in line, as Warren, Klobuchar, Buttigieg, Steyer, and Bloomberg already have,” she added. “Since he has hundreds of delegates, though, we can’t plausibly concoct requirements that would deny him the opportunity to continue his campaign. We are just hoping that he will be sensible. He can throw a few bones to his supporters for the next couple of weeks, but sooner or later he has got to realize that his responsibility to the Party is greater than his desire to be president. I’m confident that an amenable deal to achieve unanimous backing for Biden can be had if the price is right.”

In related news, Bloomberg took issue with pundits’ conclusions that his failed bid for the presidency proves the office can’t be bought. “I realize that I can’t buy it for myself, but my success in buying the Virginia legislature for the Democrats in 2019 shows I can buy it for someone else,” he contended. “I was perceived as arrogant and selfish for spending hundreds of millions on my own campaign. However, I think I will be perceived more favorably as a benefactor of others in our Party’s quest to oust Trump from office.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Biden Touts His Ukraine Expertise

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Investigators in Ukraine have announced a probe of former U.S. Vice President Joe Biden. The issue is whether he illegally pressured the government to fire Prosecutor General Viktor Shokin in 2016.

Biden immediately insisted “damn right I got that guy fired. But it was completely legal. President Obama gave me the authority to do whatever it took to get the job done. I alone among those running for president have the experience and know-how for dealing with Ukraine.”

Biden compared his “get tough approach” with “Trump’s weak and ineffective ‘phone-call diplomacy.’ As we all saw from the transcript, all Trump could bring himself to do was ask Ukraine to do us a favor and investigate Crowd Strike. Ukraine totally ignored this request because there was no ‘stick’ behind it. Well, when I’m president I won’t hesitate to use the ‘carrot or the stick’–whichever seems necessary—to let the Ukrainese know who’s the boss. I may offer a billion dollars to drop their investigation or I may drone one or more of their leaders as my good friend Obama did when he was president.”

Times Sued by Trump

The Trump campaign has filed a lawsuit against the New York Times for a 2019 article that claimed Trump had a deal with Putin for Russian help against Hillary Clinton in the 2016 election. The suit cites a total lack of evidence or facts in the Times article and argues that the paper showed a “reckless disregard for the truth and malice toward the candidate.”

Spokesperson for the Times Gunar Bile belittled the suit, calling it “legally merit-less. The courts have granted the press blanket immunity against libel claims unless the plaintiff can prove malice. Malice is a subjective thing. What Trump sees as malice others see as dedication. Since the authors of the article in question truly believe that Trump is evil incarnate, any tactic used against this evil is warranted. While we may not have found any evidence to support what was written doesn’t matter. It is not illegal to lie about the devil. We are confident that the court understands our perspective and will dismiss this suit.”

Dems Refuse to Condemn Praise for Castro

In his quest to win votes for transforming America into a socialist country, Democratic presidential hopeful Sen. Bernie Sanders has been emphasizing the positive achievements of Cuba’s former long-time dictator Fidel Castro. Two of the positives that Sanders has cited during the debates have been literacy and health care. “Under Castro’s rule they implemented a highly motivating incentive to learn to read: if you didn’t you’d be forced to labor in the fields,” Sanders remembered. “Let’s give credit where credit is due. Seeing the problems we are having in this country, a policy of shipping non-learners off to labor battalions is an idea we might want to consider.”

Castro, of course, had his political opponents executed or imprisoned. His socialist policies impoverished the country inspiring hundreds of thousands to try to escape to the United states on leaky boats and home-made rafts. Health care was made a “human right,” but the care has been mostly of very low quality for the average citizen. The literacy program leaned heavily on teaching children to read communist propaganda.

Democrats in the US House of Representatives rejected a resolution introduced by Rep. Mario Diaz-Balart (R-Fla) condemning Castro’s tyranny. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) explained that “the resolution was too one-sided. We don’t like tyranny, but we need to acknowledge that even tyranny isn’t all bad. Reading propaganda is still reading and low-quality health care may be all that a poor country like Cuba can afford. Besides, the proportion of the Cuban population imprisoned is only one-half of a percent. That’s lower than the percent imprisoned in our so-called ‘free country.’”

In related news, Sanders’ popularity among millennials may be explained by a finding from a report published by the Global Financial Literacy Excellence Center at the George Washington University that only 16  percent of millennials are financially literate and of millennials who self-identified as financially literate only 19 percent are.

CNN Commentator Chastises Black Trump Supporters

With polls trending toward a more favorable view of President Trump among African-American voters, CNN’s Angela Rye expressed her dismay. “Shame on you,” she exclaimed. “Our people have been voting Democrat since FDR was president. Are you going to turn your back on this long-term bond?”

Rye called the record unemployment lows under Trump’s policies “crumbs. It might seem great to have a job or own a small business, but do you realize that these options force you to work to earn a living? Democrats are the ones that have abolished having to work for a living for millions of our people. Choosing between a generous friend who asks for nothing in return and an employer who offers you a job should be a ‘no brainer.’ Take the free stuff! Vote for the Party that will give it to you.”

Laticia Okombo, owner of a nail salon in Richmond, Virginia disagreed with Rye’s perspective. “What the Democrats offer is like a narcotic,” she said. “Getting something for nothing sounds good, but before you know it you’ve lost all your energy and ambition. I want to build my own future. The freedom bolstered by Trump’s deregulation and tax cuts will help me do this. He has my gratitude and will have my vote come November.”

Senate Dems Block Bill Against Infanticide

Democrats in the US Senate were able to exploit the cloture rule to prevent the “Born-Alive Abortion Survivors Protection Act” from coming to a vote. The bill introduced by Sen. Ben Sasse (R-Neb) would have required a health care practitioner to render medical assistance to a baby that survives an attempted abortion.

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) called the legislation “fake, dishonest, and extreme legislation. It would interfere with the final execution of a woman’s decision to terminate an unwanted child. Just because a doctor flubs the abortion procedure doesn’t mean the mother’s right to abort this child is null and void. A surviving baby outside the womb foists the responsibility of caring for it back onto an unwilling parent or onto society. As Democrats we cannot allow this infringement on basic human rights to be enacted into law.”

Buttigieg Explains Limits of Religious Freedom

Claiming to be the “only true Christian running for president this year,” Democratic candidate, former Mayor Pete Buttigieg explained why religious objections to the LGBTQ agenda “cannot be allowed.”

“The right to freedom of religion is a right to worship as you choose as long as what you choose to believe does not contradict the public policy guaranteeing that lesbians,’ gays,’ bisexuals,’ transsexuals,’ and queers’ rights to be accepted as they are,” Buttigieg said. “In the privacy of your own mind you can harbor whatever thoughts you want, but in public you must obey the laws enacted by our courts on this very sensitive topic. For example, let’s say you run a business and one of your employees comes out as trans. That employee has the right to dress however they see fit. You have the obligation to use whatever pronoun that employee wants used. You cannot refuse because it offends your conscience or religious beliefs. You cannot refuse on the grounds that it may offend customers and hurt your business. Your business, your conscience are not important enough to outweigh the civic rights government has extended to these courageous individuals.”

“Look, if we’re willing to compel people to fund abortions with their tax dollars even though they believe abortion is murder, I think compelling people to accept sexual behavior they consider deviant is a ‘no brainer,’” the Mayor argued. “Like Chasten often playfully says to me, ‘I think it’s time to turn the other cheek’ on this topic. These wise words from my adorable husband are ones we all can benefit from.”

Judge Refuses to Recuse

Amy Berman-Jackson, the judge who presided over the trial of President Trump’s friend Roger Stone, rejected his lawyers’ request that she recuse herself from deciding whether Stone is entitled to a new trial. Since Stone was convicted it has been discovered that Tomeka Hart, the jury foreman at the trial, was a prolific anti-Trump tweeter and poster prior to being selected as a juror.

Seth Ginsberg, an attorney for Stone, argued that “such a biased person should not have been allowed on the jury. It is the prospective juror’s duty to reveal any prejudices she might have toward the defendant before she is impaneled. It is also the judge’s duty to ferret out any biases among those selected to be on the jury. Neither Ms. Hart nor Judge Jackson performed their legal obligations. Mr. Stone deserves a new trial before an impartial jury and judge. Rather than take the appropriate action to achieve a fair trial, Judge Jackson seems intent to further perpetuate the injustice already inflicted on our client.”

Jackson rebutted Ginsberg’s contention with her own assertion that “a random group of 12 jurors is bound to include some who are antagonistic to the President. It would be neither practical nor fair to try for a jury of individuals uninformed or indifferent to Trump. Likewise, the majority of judges are also opposed to Trump’s politics. As a member of that majority, it is fitting that I see this judicial proceeding to the end.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.