Tipirneni is Big Abortion Advocate

If you support Big Abortion then former doctor Hiral Tipirnini is your vote for Tuesday’s special election in Arizona’s Eighth Congressional District. Here’s her view on Big Abortion:

I fervently believe our elected representatives should support policies reflecting clearly established women’s reproductive health rights. In short, abortions should stay safe, legal, and rare. And, for the record, no one is “pro-abortion” – one is essentially either pro-choice or anti-choice.

Tipirnini is a firm supporter of Planned Parenthood, even though that corrupt organization has been:

  • Sued in 10 states for refusing to report the rapes of underage girls and protecting their abusers;
  • Found to have defrauded the government and you the taxpayer by unethical billing in more than half the states;
  • Illegally profited off the sale of dead baby body parts;
  • Lying about performing mammograms.

The former doctor’s TV commercials show her joyfully consulting with patients in a hospital, but this is a dishonest portrayal. She admitted to Channel 15 News that she has NOT treated a patient since 2007. Still the commercial is airing on TV, deceiving the voters.

She settled in a malpractice lawsuit brought against her leaving her medical practice.

The malpractice lawsuit was filed by a Phoenix woman, Belen Carrillo, before her death.  Carrillo claimed that Tipirneni and a physicians employee group failed to give her a medically necessary tetanus immunization while treating her for a leg wound in 2001. According to the plaintiff’s lawyer and son, Carrillo, then 72, contracted tetanus, ended up in a coma for weeks, and suffered kidney failure. The lawsuit says Carrillo sustained “permanent injury and disability.”

During a debate, Tipirneni announced her agenda to push Medicare for All – a program that will bankrupt Social Security, leaving one in six Arizonans without benefits. As a former ER doctor, she should know better. Hiral Tipirneni’s disingenuous commitment to healthcare simply to win an election will end up harming thousands of Arizonans.

RNC Spokesperson Renae Eze said:

“Hiral Tipirneni has demonstrated a blatant disregard for the well-being of Arizonans, first hiding her malpractice lawsuits and now prioritizing  Medicare for All to the detriment of Social Security. Medicare for All will completely bankrupt the Social Security program, and as a former ER doctor she should know that. You would think an ER doctor would fight to protect people’s benefits, but Tipirneni seems only concerned with winning an election.”The Democratic candidate for Arizona’s 8th Congressional District, Dr. Hiral Tipirneni, claimed to “not be about party lines,” but then said “the real fight is with the GOP agenda.”

  • Tipirneni showed she was anti-border security when she called the idea of a border wall “not appropriate” and said she did not support spending “even a fraction” of the estimated costs associated with building it.
  • Tipirneni called The Tax Cuts and Jobs Act “absolutely wrong” and claimed money “would not trickle down to anyone.”
    • Yet, contrary to the doctor’s diagnosis, many Arizonans have received bonuses and other benefits thanks to the tax cuts, and at least one business in the 8th District has already given their employees a wage increase because of the tax cuts.
  • Despite Obamacare premium increases of 116 percent statewide, Dr. Tipirneni said Obamacare has “helped” and she supports “strengthening and stabilizing [Obamacare].”
  • Dr. Tipirneni has taken liberal, out-of-touch positions on abortion and gun control, among other issues.

This Big Government Democrat socialist supports free education for illegal aliens and opposes strong border protections and the wall.

This candidate is a fraud and her campaign is a complete charade portraying her as someone she is not. But now you who she really is.

It’s clear that Debbie Lesko is the deserving candidate for Congress.


Comey’s ‘Tell All’ Book Published

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

The “tell all” book written by James Comey, the FBI Director fired by Trump on the advice of FBI Deputy Director Rod Rosenstein in May of 2017, was released to reviewers this week and will be released to the general public next week. In sum, the book tries to make the case that Trump is “unfit to govern.”

“What most people don’t realize is that Trump is much shorter than me,” the Ex-FBI Director wrote. “I’m 6′ 8” and he is only 6′ 3”. That’s a whole five inches shorter. And that’s not his only five-inch shortage. I peeked in the men’s room and by my reckoning Trump’s schlong is at least five inches shorter than mine. If voters had known this prior to his election I don’t think they would’ve pulled the lever for such a woefully undermanned candidate.”

Other startling revelations from Comey’s book included his observation that “up close, the President appears to be unpleasantly fat and disturbingly orange. These are not the attributes of a leader of the free world. The regrettable ascension of Trump to this nation’s highest office is a big step down from the impeccably dressed and impressively svelte Barack Obama who so gracefully occupied this august position for an incredibly fulfilling and amazing eight years, racking up triumph after triumph in the eyes of the world.”

Comey contrasted what he called “Trump’s unethical and untethered to the truth values” with “President Obama’s scandal-free reign. Trump is at odds with the values and beliefs of everyone who has been a member of the elite that has governed this country for generations. It is fortunate that embedded members of this elite, including myself until I was fired, have been able to leak details of this man’s disturbing deviation from accepted norms since his wrongful electoral seizure of power. We can only hope that the continued resistance of these patriots will be enough to undo the mistake voters made by electing Trump.”

Interestingly, Comey admitted that he made the decision to exonerate Hillary Clinton for her illegal use of an unsecure off-site email system aimed at hiding her illicit monetization of her power as the US Secretary of State “so as not to taint her presidency. All the polls showed that she would win handily. I felt it would be bad for the country if her illegal activities were permitted to cloud her inevitable administration. Once the unthinkable happened and Trump won, I did whatever I could to try to rectify this catastrophe.”

President Trump said he was “surprised that Comey would so eagerly boast that he illegally leaked classified information, derailed an FBI investigation into Hillary’s crimes, and used an unverified political hit piece to dupe the FISA Court to approve spying on my campaign. Usually criminals try to hide their crimes. That he would be so brazen and that the fake news media would be so excessive in their praise of these criminal acts is an outrage.”

In related news, the Yale Law School announced the creation of a fund honoring the legacy of 1973 graduate Hillary Clinton. The announcement was hailed by former classmate Guy Swindel who said “I think starting a fund to accumulate money in Clinton’s name would be a fitting tribute to someone who has been amazingly successful in enriching herself from the generosity of supporters and her skillful wielding of the various public offices she has held. No one else, to my knowledge, has done as much with as little personal effort or integrity.”

FaceBook CEO Testifies, Apologizes to Congress

FaceBook CEO Mark Zuckerberg underwent two days of interrogation before members of the House and Senate looking into his firm’s invasion of privacy and political misuse of personal information. The tech wiz apologized for “allowing this information to fall into the wrong hands” and vowed to “introduce procedures to prevent any recurrence of the tragic event that befell the nation on November 8th 2016.”

In an effort to persuade members of Congress that “we are on the case,” Zuckerberg cited a couple of recent measures he said “will hopefully purge dangerous content from using FaceBook to promote antisocial attitudes and policies.” The first example, he cited was “banning the posting of a crucifix on the FaceBook page of the Franciscan University of Steubenville. This image of what can only be adequately described as ‘torture porn’ is the type of abuse of our platform that we will work very hard to eliminate going forward.”

The second example Zuckerberg offered up “was our ban of the unsafe posts put on FaceBook by Diamond and Silk. I know that these fans of Donald Trump believe they are exercising their freedom of speech, but I want to assure Congress that this alleged freedom doesn’t extend to hate speech that makes other users of our platform feel uncomfortable. Not only was there the potential of psychological harm, there was also the possibility of physical harm if those offended by the posts took to the streets to vandalize buildings, beat up political opponents, or confront police. At FaceBook we don’t remain passive under a delusion that we should remain neutral when improper ideas are voiced. We take a proactive approach to nip them in the bud. My biggest regret is that we didn’t take this strong stance prior to the 2016 election.”

Zuckerberg brushed aside criticism that FaceBook’s censoring of the two minority women might be construed as “racist,” saying that “race is not just a skin color. It also embodies an internal attitude and an external pattern of behavior that either is or isn’t authentic. Clearly, no authentic black person would be a political supporter of Trump. Diamond and Silk are obviously suffering from a false consciousness. By blocking their political delusions we are actually trying to help them get back on track with the vast majority of their racial peers.”

In related news, fellow tech tycoon Jack Dorsey, CEO of Twitter, gave a “thumbs up” to an article calling for Republicans to be wiped out in a new “Civil War.” According to the article written by Peter Leyden, “the Republican party is now so morally indefensible on every level that it is equivalent to the Confederacy of 1861. It deserves to be pounded into submission or oblivion just like Jefferson Davis and Robert E. Lee and their r4edneck minions were.”

Economy Continues to Be Battered by Tax Cut Law

News that US corporations expect the recently completed first quarter of 2018 to be the “best ever” has reignited Democrat promises to repeal the tax cut enacted late last year.

Vermont Socialist Sen. Bernie Sanders called the news “supremely depressing. To think that a democratically elected legislature could take such a heartless action to endorse the heightened expropriation of the surplus value of labor that Marx demonstrated is owed to the working class is shameful. It is essential that voters elect a socialist majority this Fall so Congress can repeal this abomination.”

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) pledged “to stand shoulder-to-shoulder with my good friend Bernie in the fight for social justice. It’s bad enough that corporations are gorging on the money that rightfully belongs to the working class. Worse, the tax cut has pushed even more Americans into the workforce against their will. The Department of Labor has just reported that the number of people receiving unemployment benefits is at a 44-year low. In November, voters will have a stark and clear cut choice between the Republican scheme to put everyone into wage slavery for the profit of big business or the Democratic promise of freedom from toil. It’s as simple as that.”

Well, maybe it isn’t as simple as Pelosi imagines. The Congressional Budget Office just released an updated budget forecast admitting that previous analyses had underestimated the positive impact of the tax cuts on economic growth and prosperity. “At this juncture it looks like the tax cuts may well pay for themselves with the extra income coming from expanded economic activity throughout the economy. This means that taxpayers may enjoy more money in their pockets without the government suffering from a larger deficit.”

In related news, Jesse Jackson denounced Kroger’s closing of unprofitable stores in minority neighborhoods as “rascist. We must no longer tolerate businesses using the excuse that insufficient sales justifies shutting down operations. It’s past time that we move beyond the capitalistic notion that profit is necessary if a business is to survive. If stores in certain neighborhoods have too few customers the appropriate response is for the government to step in and either subsidize those stores or take them over and run them for people, not profit.”

ACLU Praises Breach of “Attorney Client Privilege”

This week in an unprecedented move, Special Counsel Robert Mueller engineered a raid on President Trump’s long-time lawyer Michael Cohen that seized all of his files and documents. The American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) lauded this piercing of the President’s and Cohen Fourth and Fifth Amendment rights against unreasonable searches and denial of due process, calling them “warranted exceptions.”

As ACLU spokesman Bertram Petty explained “the Bill of Rights is intended to protect innocent people from tyrannical abuses. In this case, everyone agrees that Trump and his associates are ‘bad hombres’ and as such, not entitled to any rights that might impede prosecution for their misdeeds.”

“When a knowledgeable person like former FBI Director James Comey characterizes Trump as akin to a ‘mob boss’ that is all the ‘probable cause’ needed to justify the seizure of any and all evidence that might prove his or his goons’ guilt,” Petty contended. “The early leaks of the content of some of the documents seized indicates that Cohen has acted on numerous occasions to payoff persons blackmailing his clients. For example, Cohen negotiated a payment of $1.6 million to a former Playboy model who who claimed she was impregnated by Republican National Committee deputy finance chairman Elliott Broidy. While paying off blackmailers is not per se illegal we think that this information has political value and that denying the general public and the Democratic Party access to such information is unfair and potentially a violation of campaign finance statutes.”

Petty argued that “the FBI’s assurance that the violation of the Fourth Amendment is for good cause and its promise that the Agency will adhere to its own procedural standards before leaking any of the information extracted from Mr. Cohen’s confidential files ought to be sufficient justification for this unusual and extraordinary action. We must be flexible in our interpretation of the Constitution. Rigid conformity to a simplistic principle ought not to block the pursuit of a broader concept of justice.”

In related news, FBI Deputy Director Rod Rosenstein explained the Agency’s forecast that it would be at least three years before it releases the anti-Thump communications between agent Peter Strzok and FBI lawyer Lisa Page because “we need to be sure that the statute of limitations for all the criminal acts of these two employees have expired. This is the Agency’s normal procedure for guarding FBI staff from legal liability that could affect their pensions and/or their freedom.”

Planned Parenthood Calls Legislation Racist

Planned Parenthood complained that two new laws enacted in Tennessee to deny tax payer funding for abortions “hurt women of color.” Sarah Wallet, the medical director for Planned Parenthood of Greater Memphis, asserted “this legislation is racist. Women of color are especially dependent on government funding for their abortions. To deny them access to public monies for this purpose does them irreparable harm.”

Though the legislation does not block abortions financed by organizations or individuals using non-government sources of funding, Wallet was still adamant in her objections. “The original mission of Planned Parenthood as envisioned by founder Margaret Sanger was to provide an inexpensive means for reducing the population of eugenically inferior stock,” Wallet pointed out. “Obviously, people of color are disproportionately represented in this undesirable contingent of humanity. Government funding is vital to ensuring the widest measure of success for her vision.”

Critics of abortion have pointed out that the procedure has been responsible for more black deaths than any other human action since 1973. Wallet, however, rejected this line of argument, saying that “in our view, the termination of a pregnancy is not a death, but a mere extraction of unwanted fetal tissue. To deny black women the benefit of government aid in the procurement of an abortion clearly puts them at a disadvantage compared to white women. This violates the ‘created equal’ clause of the Constitution that we are confident the courts will reaffirm when we sue to block this new law.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Corbin Suspends Campaign for SOS

Lori Klein Corbin Suspends Campaign For Secretary of State: As a conservative former state senator and as the current Republican National Committeewoman representing the state of Arizona, my commitment to the issues affecting Arizonans has never wavered. Personal issues have arisen that make it impossible for me to continue the campaign. I was in this important race because there are few concerns that face Arizona voters more vital than the integrity of their ballot and the election process. Additionally, we should not lose sight of the fact that the Secretary of State is next in line to ascend to the office of governor if the governor is unable to perform his or her duties. I sincerely thank all of you who have worked on my campaign for Secretary of State, donating time, support, and tireless effort on my behalf. Your friendship is invaluable. I am honored to continue to serve Arizona as your Republican National Committeewoman and will remain in this position to support Arizona, our President Donald J. Trump and the Republican National Committee.

Read more AZ Republican news

Mexico Threatens to End Cooperation Against Violent Gangs

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Irked at the prospect that President Trump may send US troops to guard the border against illegal immigration, the Mexican Senate unanimously passed a resolution that would end the bilateral cooperation between US and Mexican law enforcement agencies against the violent drug cartels that have run rampant along the border.

President of the Senate, Pablo Escudero Mora defended the seemingly irrational move as “totally justified given the long history of US aggression toward our country. First they seized Texas. Then they invaded Mexico and forced us to cede California, and what are now Arizona and New Mexico to them. Now, in an unwarranted effort to prevent migrants who merely seek to settle in what were once Mexican lands, Trump wants to militarize the border. We say enough is enough.”

Escudero acknowledged that “these gangs are hurting many Mexicans, but they are also helping to smuggle immigrants across the border. In addition they are bringing in cash from drugs they sell to rich Americans. This helps our economy, which is more than Trump has done for us. While we wish these cartels wouldn’t murder so many of our citizens, these gangs are the lesser evil compared to the Devil that is the United States.”

“An amusing irony of this whole situation is that policies of the previous US Administration actually augmented the armament of these gangs.” Escudero chuckled. “A lot of their weapons were supplied by US covert operatives in the hope that it would spark voter demands for more gun control regulations. So, any atrocities that are committed on Americans by these gangs will be partially self-inflicted. That’s got to bring a smile to the face of every Mexican patriot.”

In related news, the State of California has issued more than a million driver’s licenses to illegal immigrants. The licenses may be used to allow these immigrants to cast ballots in state and local elections. State Attorney General Xavier Becerra hailed the milestone, calling it “a historic step toward California’s eventual independence or reunification with Mexico. We will break free of the chains imposed by the backward regime of Donald Trump and forge a new destiny for the people of our state.”

Dems Split on Tax Cut Repeal

Democrat Party leadership is not united in its plans for the recently passed tax cut. House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) pledged to repeal the cuts, saying that “the crumbs that Trump and the GOP selfishly tried to withhold from the government will be taken back and amalgamated into a large pool of resources to fund vitally needed government programs.”

Among the programs mentioned by Pelosi were “an expansion of regulations to more effectively monitor behavior so government can guide private individuals toward a more socially conscious lifestyle” and “a long overdue increase in salaries for government employees, who are the crucial actors in transforming the country into the progressive society promised by President Obama.”

Democratic National Committee Vice Chairman, Rep. Keith Ellison (Minn) disagreed, saying that “I don’t think it would be wise for us to overtly campaign in favor of repealing the tax cuts. Those of us on the inside know that the government can make better use of that money than private individuals can. But I think baldly telling people this like House Minority Leader Pelosi wants to do is foolish. There is a principle in my faith called taqiya that urges dissimulation in the face of one’s enemies. We need to convey a more sympathetic attitude toward taxpayers during the campaign. After we win we can start to talk about how we can wrest that money out of their hands.”

In related news, the socialist paradise of Venezuela, where food shortages have enabled citizens to achieve weight losses averaging 24 lbs. per person during the last year, saw Minister of Education Elías Jaua chastise “the enemies of the revolution who are over eating. Everywhere you look you see empty supermarket shelves. How can the government ensure a ready supply of food if people keep eating it? Unlike capitalist countries, our laws entitle our people to have access to food. However, too many anti-social traitors are abusing this right by consuming more than they need.”

FaceBook Admits “Invasion of Privacy”

Facebook’s chief operating officer, Sheryl Sandberg, publicly admitted that “our company’s invasion of our clients’ privacy probably rates a score of 10 out of 10 for being as complete a betrayal as possible.” Despite this colossal failure, Sandberg insisted that CEO Mark “Zuckerberg’s public apology ought to be penance enough. Look, we’re with the good guys. We allowed President Obama to use our massive data to get reelected in 2012. Obviously, in hindsight, the Cambridge Analytica deal was a mistake.”

“In our defense, the amount of data we sold to Cambridge Analytica was tiny compared to what we freely gave to Obama,” Sandberg explained. “With all the polls showing Hillary with a commanding lead we thought we could make a buck without damaging her election chances. It turned out we were wrong, but we weren’t the only ones. Everybody was sure she would win in a landslide. It isn’t fair to make us the scapegoat for the unforeseen outcome of the 2016 election.”

Sandberg insisted “we are going the extra mile to try to make up for the damage. We already scan the contents of every user’s posts and messages looking for anti-social attitudes. For example, we already flag any user posts of articles from Breitbart as ‘intentionally misleading.’ And we’re developing new algorithms that we believe will do a better job of excluding socially unacceptable content from being promulgated through our platform. So far, we’ve achieved a modicum of success. Pro-Trump messages have been reduced by nearly 50%. But we’re not going to say we’re satisfied. I think we can get a lot closer to 100% if we keep up our effort.”

In the wake of this scandal, a new policy FaceBook is implementing is to charge a fee to subscribers who want to opt out of the company’s data-driven exploitation of users’ personal information. Sandberg likened this to “the kind of distinction you see in cable and satellite TV. If you don’t want to be hounded by advertisers who know your weaknesses you’re going to have to pay for that privilege like you would for HBO or Showtime.”

As a prelude to his upcoming Congressional testimony, Zuckerberg has been assiduously deleting his FaceBook files. Unlike other users of the FaceBook platform, Zuckerberg is able to delete copies of those files that appear on any other FaceBook user’s page. The CEO said he was “confident I’ll be able to do a more complete job than Secretary Clinton was able to do with her emails. Unlike her, I am not technologically inept. I don’t think I’ll have to resort to busting up any devices with a hammer.”

Hillary Claims Credit for #MeToo Movement

This week, former presidential candidate Hillary Clinton claimed credit for accelerating the #MeToo Movement. “If I hadn’t lost the election none of this awakening to the the widespread sexual harassment that has plagued women in this country would have come to light,” she asserted.

“Harvey Weinstein—case zero—in the exposure of the sexual harassment epidemic was a great supporter of me and donor to the Democratic Party,” Clinton pointed out. “As president, in order to repay his loyalty and generosity to the Party, I would have protected him from the assault on his character launched by the former victims of his lewd behavior, just like I tried to protect Bill from the allegations made by his victims. So, in a way, it could be said that my defeat removed the possibility that I could use the power of the presidency to impede the exposure of Harvey’s unsavory history. It’s unfair that I don’t get proper credit for my role in the movement to attain sexual justice.”

Putin Complains about Demonization of Stalin

Russian President Vladimir Putin denounced what he labeled “the excessive demonization of former Soviet dictator Josef Stalin. His methods may have been harsh by Western standards, but few can quibble with the results.” These “results” included the deaths of 15 million to 30 million Soviet citizens through executions, labor camps, avoidable famines and making the treaty with Germany that unleashed WW II.

“Few critics take into account the poverty and backwardness of the country Stalin inherited,” Putin contended. “Bringing the Soviet Union into the modern era required sacrifices. The millions who died in the Gulag would have died eventually, regardless. Their labors helped make the Soviet Union into a superpower. We should not discount that accomplishment.”

Putin even defended Stalin’s infamous non-aggression pact with Hitler by pointing out that “the Western powers were trying to get a pact with Germany, but refused to acquiesce to the partition of Poland. Stalin was less squeamish. As a result we got the alliance and it refocused the Nazi’s toward attacking France and England rather than attacking Russia, as Hitler vowed to do in Mein Kampf. This likely saved millions of Soviet lives and also netted us additional territories after the war was over.”

While a recent poll showed only 25% of Russians consider Stalin’s repressions justified, Putin pointed out that “this level of support is higher than most Westerners would have expected” and predicted that “as knowledge of Stalin’s crimes fades, popular support for his achievements will inevitably grow—like the respect for Islam has now that most have forgotten the massacres carried out in the jihad to spread the faith so many centuries ago.”

In related news, Putin claims that the recovery of ex-Russian spy Sergei Skripal “proves we are innocent. When we poison an enemy he does not recover. Remember Litvinenko? That’s what happens when those who know what they are doing are involved.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Once again, Arizona Taxpayers, You’ve Been Had — by Convicted Criminal and Former UA Coach

Thank you for paying more than $1 million for the legal defense in the civil trial of the former University of Arizona track and field coach who’s already been convicted in a criminal trial of assaulting a female athlete. Craig Carter thanks you NOT!

Last week a Pima County jury convicted Craig Carter of choking former U of A thrower Baillie Gibson while threatening her with a box cutter. The state, taxpayers like you and me, has been paying for his defense in a civil lawsuit filed by Gibson against Carter and the UA.

Are you reading this, state lawmakers? State law requires the government to pay for the defense of an employee being sued for behavior that occurred while acting within in the scope of his or her job, according to The Arizona Daily Star. This law needs to be changed!!


Clinton Offers Proof that Trump Is Hurting Economy

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

As proof that Trump’s policies are bad for the dynamic sectors of the economy that prospered under Obama, former presidential candidate Hillary Clinton cited her drastically reduced speaking fees. In a speech at Rutgers University in New Jersey this week her honorarium was only $25,000–$7,000 less than reality TV star Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi from the show Jersey Shore received from Rutgers for a 2011 appearance and $175,000 less than Clinton’s typical asking price before the 2016 election.

“The few thousand dollars in crumbs being awarded to middle class workers as a result of the tax cut legislation are dwarfed by the severe hardships inflicted on those of us who have to rely on speaking fees just to keep putting food on the table,” Clinton complained. “My ‘wage’ has been cut by nearly 90%. An economy that treats its best and brightest so shabbily is a discredit to the nation.”

The pay cut coming after what Clinton described as “my traumatic loss to the least qualified person to ever win a presidential race adds injury to insult. I’m hoping that voters will remember what I’ve had to suffer through and punish the Republicans at the ballot box. If we all work hard we can turn back from the unbridled selfish individualism that the GOP wants to force down our throats and renew the commitment to the progressive values of collectivism that President Obama tried to establish during his all-too-brief reign.”

Congresswoman Blames Lack of Training for Harassment

Rep. Elizabeth Esty (D-Conn) apologized for failing to protect female staff members from harassment by her former chief of staff Tony Baker and blamed “lack of proper training” for the abuses, which included allegations of “punching” and “death threats.”

“Much to my dismay, I discovered that punching and threatening staff members is not explicitly addressed in any legislation,” Esty said. “I will attempt to correct this, but can’t promise anything since Republicans control both houses of congress.

Meanwhile, of my own accord I will be requiring all my employees to complete training in harassment. Hopefully, this will move punching and threatening out of its current ‘gray area’ status and substantially reduce its frequency in my office. I urge my colleagues on both sides of the aisle to be as aggressive as I am in combating this problem.”

An unmentioned element of Esty’s “aggressive” handling of the problem was to recommend Baker for a job at Sandy Hook Promise, a nonprofit organization that was started after the deadly 2012 mass shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut. Esty’s current chief of staff Timothy Daly explained that “the job recommendation and nondisclosure agreement were aimed at getting Baker out as quickly as possible with a minimum of negative publicity. If the Congresswoman had merely fired him who knows what kind of impact that would’ve had on her credibility and reelection chances.”

Retired Judge Calls for Repeal of 2nd Amendment

Former Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens penned an op ed for the New York Times in which he argued that the Constitutional Amendment protecting a citizen’s right to bear firearms should be repealed.

“When we examine the circumstances under which the 2nd Amendment was adopted it seems clear to me that it was unnecessary on the day it was adopted,” Stevens wrote. “At the time, the United States was less than a decade removed from a desperate battle for independence from a government that oppressed those living in what were then British colonies. One of the tactics the British government used was to strictly control and sometimes confiscate firearms. In fact, the battles at Concord and Lexington in 1975 were sparked by fears that British troops were about to confiscate the colonists’ guns.”

“By 1789, the British overlords had been defeated and expelled,” Stevens continued. “It was replaced by a government by, of, and for the people. Those running this new government were elected by the people. Consequently, there were no longer any grounds for fearing a tyrannical foreign power would oppress them. The need for every man to be armed was no longer present. It seems likely that even in the absence of the 2nd Amendment that people’s government would have permitted those who needed firearms to hunt or fend off hostile Indians to possess them.”

“Today, the vast majority of Americans live urban lives,” Stevens went on. “The need to hunt to obtain food is nonexistent and the Indians no longer pose a mortal threat. Meanwhile, the widespread ownership of personal firearms complicates the government’s ability to police society. If the 2nd Amendment were repealed the government would be liberated from this archaic infringement on its authority.

Under our democracy, the government is the people. There is no risk of oppression and every need for the government to set sensible limits on who has access to guns.”
President Trump branded Stevens’ op ed as “foolish and poorly conceived.

Individuals’ bearing arms serves as a check on the power of government to do them ill. In countries where the citizens don’t have this right the government can ride roughshod over them, like Hitler did. You’d think that the Democrats who frequently compare me to Hitler would be wary of removing citizens’ ability to deter government tyranny. Luckily, the people of America are too smart to surrender this right. The 2nd Amendment will never be repealed.”

In related news, Sen. Richard Blumenthal (D-Conn) and Rep. Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (D-Fla) have introduced legislation to restrict access to ammunition. “Our bill will require that firearms users file a form requesting permission each time they want to reload their weapons,” Wasserman-Schultz said. “While this wouldn’t totally prevent victims from getting shot it will reduce the number of people that could be shot by each gun. If our bill had been in effect prior to Nikolas Cruz’s rampage it would have been limited the number of bullets he could’ve fired to a single clip. He wouldn’t have been able to kill 17 people.”

DNC Deputy Touts Minimum Income Idea

Rep. Keith Ellison (D-Minn), deputy chairman of the Democratic National Committee, endorsed the concept of government paying a minimum income to all citizens regardless of whether they work or not.

“A lot of things that people do don’t have a market value,” Ellison argued. “For example, as a Muslim, I am obligated to pray five times a day, go on a pilgrimage to Mecca, and wage jihad to spread the faith. As a member of Congress I have a generous salary and a small commitment of time I have to put in to earn this salary. Others aren’t so fortunate.”

“What we need to ask ourselves is whether we, as a society, should force a person to try to support himself by taking a low skilled job if it would interfere with his other higher priority obligations,” the Congressman posited. “Wouldn’t our lives be more meaningful if more of us were freed of the drudgery of wage slavery so we would be able to pursue these higher priorities?”

“A guaranteed minimum income might also assuage the justifiable anger many feel at the inequitable distribution of wealth in our country,” Ellison added. “Ideally, everything ought to be put into a common pot and divvied out based on need. But we’re not there yet intellectually or politically. The minimum income idea is a baby step toward that ideal.”

Dershowitz Criticizes Mueller Probe

Liberal Democrat lawyer Alan Dershowitz likened the Mueller probe into the Trump presidency to the type of legal tactics of the Soviet Union. “First off, ‘collusion’ is not a crime defined in statute,” he observed. “On top of this, the mandate given to Robert Mueller by Rod Rosenstein is unconstrained. Essentially, Mueller has been granted an unlimited budget and an unlimited amount of time to harass Trump in search of something to charge him with. This isn’t the way we want our justice system to work. It’s the way Stalin’s ‘justice’ system worked.”

Dershowitz maintains that “after a year on the job without finding evidence of any criminal activity by Trump the prosecution ought to drop the case. Signs that Mueller is now seeking to investigate Trump’s finances and sexual liaisons from long before the 2016 election are clearly what judges would label a ‘fishing expedition.’ Not only are the statutes of limitations long expired on any alleged infractions, we’re now into the ‘manufactured crimes’ of obstructing investigations for which there is no warrant for being undertaken.”

Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) disagreed with Dershowitz, contending that “sometimes existing law doesn’t adequately anticipate the crimes persons may commit. If we know a person is a bad actor we shouldn’t automatically preclude even the methods that may have been used by a regime that has been repeatedly sullied as a dictatorship. Remember, that ‘dictatorship’ was instrumental in defeating Hitler. So, clearly, that dictatorship was capable of doing the right thing even if its methods didn’t match America’s normal standards of justice.”

Chicago Mayor Rejects Poll

A recent poll indicating widespread disappointment with Mayor Rahm Emanuel’s performance was rebuffed by the Mayor who vowed to “fight to the bitter end to transform this city and make it worthy of the vision of a great and progressive society espoused by former President Obama.”

Among the polls findings was that only 18% of respondents said they would vote to reelect him vs. 34% saying they would vote to replace him and 36% saying they would consider voting for someone else. Sixty-nine percent said lack of “an honest or trustworthy city government” was a major problem with the Emanuel Administration. Eighty percent said they felt less safe than they did two years ago.

Emanuel’s campaign spokesman Peter Giangreco dismissed the poll. “It’s from the same pollster the Mayor sent a dead fish to a few years ago,” he reminded. “The people of this city know that the Mayor will do whatever it takes to stay on top. He is a master at exploiting crises for political advantage. Those who challenge him do so at their own risk.”

Madison Councilwoman Objects to Armed Bank Guards

After one of her constituents was killed while attempting to rob a bank, Madison, Wisconsin city councilwoman Amanda Hall called the shooting “unnecessary” and demanded “an alternate approach. What this looks like to me is we have a young man, who didn’t have the community support and the community opportunity to make a different choice with what he was going to do with his Thursday. And now he’s dead.”

“Allowing banks to deploy armed guards is a desperation measure that comes too late to achieve the best results,” Hall contended. “It foments an arms race between those who have money and those who need it. We could go into the question of whether any business has a moral right to use deadly force to impede the redistribution of wealth this country so urgently needs. For now, though, I’m saying that as a practical matter it would be better to ban this practice and replace it with a more humane approach.”

This “more humane” approach, according to Hall, “would entail educating and politically activating both the general public and young people to use their efforts to redistribute wealth via the political process. The fact that the bank involved in this shooting has been repeatedly robbed shouldn’t be used as an excuse to arm itself. It should be taken as a sign that there are inequities in the way that those who have can callously withhold from those who have not.”

The Councilwoman says she hopes that “we can use this tragedy to enlist voters to opt for social justice at the polls. If the have-nots of our society can have confidence that the government will seize the assets being hoarded by the haves and redistribute them more fairly they won’t have to take the individual initiative to rob banks themselves. With the law on their side the whole process would be more peaceful and just.”

An indication that Hall’s message is in tune with wider social trends is the Millennial generation’s lack of saving for retirement. Only a third have expressed any interest or intent to provide for their post-work years. As one young man explained, “capitalism will be gone by the time I’m old enough to retire. The government will control all the money. They will decide who lives and who dies. I’m just trying to have a good time while I can.” Surveys show that half of Millenials spend more on nights out than they do on rent and devote the majority of their income on impulse purchases based on social media fads. And why not? In New York City, the deBlasio administration has budgeted more than a billion dollars to house the homeless in hotels.

Census Plan Assailed by Democrats

The U.S. Census Bureau’s plan to include a citizenship question on the 2020 census spurred an outpouring of deranged rhetoric from assorted Democrats and their allies.

Tom Perez, chairman of the Democratic National Committee, incorrectly portrayed the plan as an attempt to “only count citizens” and contended it is a “voter suppression” strategy. “Combined with the Republican insistence that voters show IDs before they can cast a ballot, the citizenship question strikes at the very heart of the democratic ideal that every person—citizen or not—have a say in who rules over him.”

New York Attorney General Eric Schneiderman vowed to lead a multi-state lawsuit aimed at stopping the added question. “Why does the federal government need to know who is or isn’t a citizen?” he asked. “Since a person doesn’t have to be a citizen to get a driver’s license, to get medical care, to go to school, or receive welfare benefits the answer to such a question serves no legitimate public purpose.”

California Attorney General Xavier Becerra called the question “an attack on our state’s right to grant sanctuary to those in the country without permission. Once word gets around that citizenship will be questioned the undocumented immigrants will avoid census takers and not be counted. The state and the urban areas where most of the immigrants live will get fewer congressional districts and Democrats will lose votes in the House of Representatives. This both illegal and unconstitutional.”

In related news, Utah senatorial candidate Mitt Romney kicked off his campaign with the assertion that he is tougher on immigration than President Trump. “Trump is totally focused on keeping illegal immigrants out,” Romney observed. “Well, we can’t win if we only play defense. If elected I will push for legislation to award grants for Americans to illegally enter Mexico and create the same kind of mayhem there that many of those who’ve illegally crossed into the U.S. have caused here.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Omnibus Bill: Dems Declare Victory

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

This week, Congress appropriated $1.3 trillion in spending to fund the federal government for the next six months. Despite threatening to veto the measure, President Trump signed it “for national security reasons.” Minority Leaders Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) and Sen. Charles Schumer (D-NY) claimed victory.

“We got more out of this bill than we did when we had the majority and Obama was president,” Pelosi boasted. “The GOP’s inability to unite on a program they could all support meant that Republican leaders had to buy Democrats to get enough votes to pass the thing. And those votes didn’t come cheap. That the bill has explicit language restricting border fence construction to the same see-through fencing that was already authorized under current law is the ‘cherry on top’ of our takedown of Trump’s agenda. Next up is impeachment after we regain the majority in November’s elections.”

Schumer said “McConnell’s devotion to the Senate’s filibuster rules were a key. If he weren’t such a flaccid leader he might’ve corralled a slim majority on a straight Party line vote to pass a budget more in line with Republican campaign promises. But by setting a minimum 60-vote threshold for clearing a filibuster he handed us the whip hand once again.”

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ken) expressed his gratitude for “the seminal support from my esteemed colleagues on the other side of the aisle. Without them behind us there would’ve been no bill. The government would’ve run out of money and the people of America would’ve been left adrift without the essential guidance and regulation from the federal that is needed for them to live satisfying and fulfilling lives.”

While he did sign the spending legislation, President Trump was noticeably more muted in his enthusiasm. “There was a lot of crap in the bill that I didn’t want and some important things like the border wall and DACA relief were left out. But we did get a very important $700 billion for our military which, I am told, should give us sufficient firepower to neutralize any future violent threats from former Vice-President Joe Biden.”

In related news, Rep. Scott Perry (R-Pa) pointed out “Ryan and McConnell adopted the same appalling tactics thje Democrats used to ram Obamacare through Congress. In both instances the Leadership forced us to vote on massive 2,000 page bills without allowing sufficient time to read them. Pelosi’s 2010 quip that ‘we have to pass the bill to find out what’s in it’ seems to have become standard practice now. It’s a disgrace.”

Progressives Stunned by Firearms Poll Answer

In a poll conducted for NBC and the Wall Street Journal, 58% of respondents agreed that “gun ownership does more to increase safety by allowing law-abiding citizens to protect themselves.” On the other side, 38% agreed that “gun ownership reduces safety by giving too many people access to firearms.” These results are a significant reversal of responses from 19 years ago when 52% felt that increased gun ownership reduced safety.

Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel called this shift in favor of gun ownership “dismaying. Considering the carnage taking place on our city streets on a daily basis, I think it’s clear that the gun controls we have put in place are insufficient. We need sterner measures to ensure that those with bad intent cannot get their hands on firearms.”

The Mayor suggested that “we should approach the issue logically. Let’s assume that the police are the good guys. Each officer has cleared ethical scrutiny and received extensive training in the use of firearms. While we can’t expect everyone to undergo such scrutiny and training we could place our trust in those who have. I say let the police decide whose guns should be confiscated on a real-time basis without having to go through the red tape of court orders or probable cause. If a cop thinks a person is dangerous just take his guns away.”

“I know some gun nuts will say I’m calling for a police-state,” Emanuel added. “But think about it. We didn’t see the kind of gun fights we now have in Chicago during Stalin’s rule in Russia. Sure, a few people were oppressed and sent to the Gulag, but innocent people weren’t being massacred in the streets like they are here in America with our loose gun control policies. Perhaps we should consider giving up a little of our out-dated ‘right to bear arms’ in exchange for the right not to get shot by our neighbors.”

Zuckerberg Apologizes

The revelation that a firm working for the 2016 Trump presidential campaign used FaceBook data to aid his election sparked a heavy dose of remorse from founder Mark Zuckerberg. He apologized profusely “for betraying the values and efforts of President Obama to create a just and noble society for everyone.”

A particularly aggravating aspect of the Trump campaign’s use of data mining techniques via FaceBook was its similarity to what the Obama presidential campaign of 2012 did. “When Obama’s people approached me on the topic of extracting personal data for political purposes, I thought, we’re for the same things, and I was glad to help out,” Zuckerburg said. “I never considered the possibility that someone else with contradictory political beliefs could replicate Obama’s genius. I’m so sorry.”

Zuckerburg admitted that “my naive assumption that freedom of speech would be enough for good ideas to win out was a big mistake. My people have the skills to subtly impose censorship. We’re doing that now through a variety of algorithms. Results over the past few months have been encouraging. The spread of conservative messages has been diminished while to spread of progressive and corporate content has increased. I just hope it isn’t too late to undo the damage already done.”

The social network mogul also suggested that “my firm’s efforts be formalized via government regulations that establish my algorithms as THE STANDARD for determining what can and can’t be posted on any site on the web. FaceBook has two billion users, but there are five billion people using other methods of communicating. If the government were to mandate that everyone use FaceBook, like they mandated that everyone have Obamacare, I’m confident that I could guarantee that everyone is properly informed on all the critical issues.”

Group Wants to Ban Gas-Powered Cars

In California, the Center for Climate Protection is pushing legislation that would ban gasoline-powered vehicles after Jan 1, 2040. A bill drafted by Assemblyman Phil Ting (D-San Francisco) would require that only vehicles relying on “clean” technologies could be registered in the state. Even hybrids that sometimes use gasoline would be barred from being registered.

“I envision a future where the roads are traveled by nonpolluting vehicles using batteries, fuel cells, or wind as their source of energy,” Ting imagined. “My favorite, of course, is the wind-powered car. For centuries humans traveled the seas with only wind to push them to their destinations. The ships were elegant, beautiful, and non-polluting. Why couldn’t the shorter distances traveled by daily commuters be traversed by wind-driven cars?”

Ting’s bill is not without its problems. Batteries and fuel cells are only pollution-free while being driven. The manufacture of new and disposal of old batteries and fuel cells does contribute to pollution. And wind-powered cars could become becalmed on still days.

“Well, even if these technologies don’t work out our increasingly Mexican population could make do with a more traditional mode of transportation,” Ting postulated. “Burros are a very familiar way of getting around and transporting freight in Mexico. And they are also non-polluting. So, I think California will come out okay either way. Those who can’t shake their dependence on polluting vehicles are free to leave the state and make more room for immigrants who will lead more natural lives.”

Hogg Calls for Students to Seize Power

School shooting survivor and anti-gun crusader David Hogg went on a rant denouncing “the feeble old drones who are ruining our future” to be deposed by a “student uprising to seize control of the government and exterminate our oppressors.”

“Our parents failed to protect us,” Hogg charged. “They have lost their right to rule and maybe even their right to live. They don’t know how to use a f*cking democracy. We do! The half million of us who are going to march on Washington shouldn’t settle for ‘atta boys’ and a pats on the head from the generation that has screwed us over. We have the numbers to overwhelm the White House and the capitol, drag the politicians into the streets and beat them to death.”

Hogg blamed the NRA for making his coup necessary, claiming that “they’re the ones who led our weak-willed parents astray. Instead of acknowledging the justice of our cause and urging everyone to lay down their arms, the NRA has bribed Congress to block any sensible limits on guns.”

“I tried to be nice,” Hogg maintained. “I was willing to consider the possibility that many gun owners might not be bad people. I invited them to join our cause. But almost all of them have rejected my overtures. I reached out to the NRA leadership and begged them to stop manufacturing guns and distributing them to the mentally ill. But the few dollars of profit they got from selling a fully semi-automatic assault rifle to Nikolas Cruz so he could kill my classmates was more important to them than the billions of lives that could be saved if they ceased their malevolent scheme.”

“I expect that oldsters will scoff at the possibility that we could succeed in our aims,” Hogg predicted. “Let them. Lenin had even fewer on his side when he seized power. Still, he established a new government that served as a shining beacon to all who hoped for a better future.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Job Openings Hit New Record

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

This week the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics reported that job openings increased to a record 6.3 million. The number of openings now equals the number of currently unemployed Americans.

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) assailed these statistics, saying “this is the economic disaster our Party tried to avert, but the GOP rammed through their tax cut, which as we now see, has created a serious labor shortage. Millions of unemployed Americans will now be pressured into taking jobs they’d rather not do.”

Pelosi also contended that “these statistics validate the foolishness of the Administration’s determination to throttle immigration. In addition to trying to force unwilling Americans into the workforce the barriers to immigration will result in rising labor costs for businesses across a wide spectrum as the pool of undocumented workers shrinks due to heightened ICE efforts to deport those in the country illegally.”

The Minority Leader cited Trump’s proposed 30 foot high border wall as “an obnoxious impediment to the free flow of migrating herds of Mexicans seeking better opportunities in lands forcibly seized from their country by 19th century American aggression. Maybe I could support a 30 inch wall. That would be high enough to block the physically unfit from entering the United States while still allowing the much needed and spry individuals who mow our lawns and make our beds to still get through.”

In related news, Jose Inez Garcia-Zarate, the illegal alien who killed Kate Steinle in 2015 has filed suit alleging that the state’s prosecution of him for the slaying was “vindictive.” Garcia was acquitted in the case because, although he did fire the gun that caused Steinle’s death the jury accepted his assertion that it was an accident. “I told the police that I didn’t even know that woman,” Garcia said. “I had no motive to kill her. In my country, firing guns into the air is our way of celebrating. Yet, they went ahead and put me on trial. If that wasn’t vindictive prosecution I don’t know what is.” The lawsuit has put Garcia’s 6th deportation on hold.

“National Walkout Day” Stirs Controversy

This week, various schools across the country sponsored “walkouts” in memory of the 17 students and faculty members killed in the Feb 14th massacre carried out by Nikolas Cruz at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida. In other schools students took it upon themselves to walkout without permission.

New York, Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D) warned school administrators not to punish students who engaged in unsanctioned walkouts, asserting that “it would be wrong. Threatening to discipline students for participating in the peaceful demonstrations is not only inappropriate, it is unconstitutional. Demonstrations against gun violence are protected by the First Amendment right to peaceably assemble and petition government for a redress of grievances.”

If the Governor’s plea were a genuine advocacy for freedom of speech it would be laudable. Many schools have exhibited antagonism toward free speech. For example, in some schools where students were encouraged to participate in the anti-gun protest, dissenters were not encouraged to voice their contrary views.

In Hilliard Davidson High School in Ohio, senior Jacob Shoemaker was given a suspension for refusing to join fellow students who walked out. “Divisive politics have no place in America’s schools,” Shoemaker argued. School district spokesperson Stacie Raterman said “Shoemaker was warned repeatedly that his demand to receive instruction in his classroom would not be honored by the administration. His refusal to exit the building constituted an illegal presence on school property.”

In New Prague High School in Minnesota one student attempted to express a divergent opinion by holding a sign saying “Guns don’t kill people. People kill people.” Principal Lonnie Seifert accosted the student and threatened to have him arrested for “trying to disrupt the solidarity of the student body on this crucial issue of public safety. No one else there agreed with him. Why should he be allowed to prevent unanimity?”

In California, a Rocklin High School history teacher was put on administrative leave for conducting a class discussion about political protests. Julianne Benzel asked students whether it was appropriate for the school to sanction some protests, but not others. “The school was permitting students who wanted to challenge gun laws time off from class to protest,” she said. “Should the school then also allow students time off to protest on other issues, like abortion?” While her students were able to engage in a dialog on the question, complaints from a parent led to her subsequent suspension from her duties. A hearing on whether she should be dismissed has been scheduled.

In Chicago, students from the Simeon Career Academy used their 17 minutes of sanctioned out-of-school time to harass nearby businesses, intimidate employees, steal merchandise and vandalize displays. Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel acknowledged that “I don’t think this was envisioned by school officials when they agreed to allow the students out for the protest. On the other hand, I don’t think we can just dismiss this form of expression as unwarranted lawbreaking. There could be legitimate reasons behind the looting and trashing of these businesses near the school. Perhaps the students had been ripped off by high prices or dissed by poor service. We shouldn’t condemn these young people unless we have walked in their shoes.”

Hillary Defends Sexist Remarks

While in India promoting her election memoir “What Happened,” former presidential candidate Hillary Clinton laid a big share of the blame for her loss to Trump on “white women who were too weak to stand up to bullying by their husbands demanding that they vote for Trump.”

Clinton’s former 2008 presidential campaign manager Patti Solis Doyle called Hillary’s contention “wrong” and “unhelpful. To try to portray women as the pawns of men will clash with every woman’s personal perception that she is the master of her own self. It won’t ring true to women or to men. Rather than blaming other women for her defeat I think Hillary needs to consider whether she could’ve done better in communicating a rationale for voters to choose her over Trump.”

“The assumption that women are free to make their own choices ignores simple facts,” Clinton responded when told of Doyle’s comments. “My own personal history disproves her contention. My husband bullied me on how to vote. I started out as a Goldwater Girl, but after years of unrelenting pressure from Bill I switched to Democrat. His psychological domination was so intense that I was cowed into a humiliating campaign to cover up for his philandering. So don’t tell me that the 52% of married white women who voted for Trump weren’t victims of marital intimidation. As a former victim myself, I know that this type of bullying is real.”

House Intel Committee Closes Collusion Investigation

House Intelligence Committee Republicans’ announcement that it is ending its investigation of possible collusion between Trump and Russia to rig the 2016 presidential election because “there is no evidence” enraged House Intel Committee leaker Adam Schiff (D-Calif).

“There’s plenty of evidence that the Republicans refuse to acknowledge,” Schiff maintained. “So blatant was the conspiracy that during a televised debate Trump brazenly signaled the Russians to reveal the 30,000 emails that Secretary Clinton had erased from her computer. And lo and behold, these emails started showing up in Wikileaks publications.”

“On top of that, the Russians punked Sec. Clinton by selling her a bogus intel dossier that misled her, the media, and the FBI down a dead-end road that failed to persuade voters that Trump was a dangerous mole of a foreign power,” Schiff added. “This misinformation ploy led to overconfidence among these three legs of the Clinton campaign. The FBI focused on bit players like Papadopolos and Manafort instead of seizing Trump’s IRS files and NSA surveillance records, as Mueller is now belatedly doing. The media coasted on the salacious content of the dossier and the Hollywood Access tape when they could’ve created more allegations from unnamed sources. And with the polls showing she had a big lead Hillary opted to conserve her strength for governing rather than further damage her health by excessive campaigning.”

Schiff brushed off concerns that some of the actions he suggests could have been taken might be illegal or unethical. “Technically, that may be true, but isn’t it better to condone minor infractions if the objective is to prevent or resist the tyranny that Trump has brought to this country?” he asked. “In any case, it’s not over yet. After we take back congress in the November elections we’re going to reopen the investigation and take whatever other steps are needed to oust the Trump regime.”

Meanwhile, former CIA Director John Brennan warned that “Republicans on the House Intel Committee will face a day of reckoning for their decision to close this investigation. Everyone knows that Trump is unstable, inept, inexperienced, and unethical. For the committee to stop short of calling for his impeachment is tantamount to committing treason. I look forward to when they are all behind bars for what they have done to this country.”

In related news, on the recommendation of FBI disciplinary officials, former FBI Deputy Director Andrew McCabe was fired on Friday. The action came just 24 hours ahead of McCabe’s planned retirement date and could reduce his pension, which is projected to amount to several million dollars. McCabe called the move “incredibly unfair. Others who have leaked confidential information and lied about it haven’t been treated as harshly. Comey leaked and lied more than I did. Now he’s a media hero with a multi-million dollar book deal and speaking tour. All I did was follow the orders that came down the line from above.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Schools Struggle with Religious Intolerance

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Contrasting styles of how to cope with differing religions in schools were demonstrated recently in Massachusetts and Germany.

In Massachusetts librarians at Simmons College in Boston issued The Anti-Oppression Library Guide to promote equality and limit religious persecution. The Guide urges students to “refrain from using trigger words like ‘Merry Christmas’ or ‘God bless you’ after someone sneezes because these words constitute microaggressions against Muslims. Muslims don’t celebrate Christmas. And the notion that God should bless a non-Muslim is offensive to their faith.”

The Guide warns that “even unintentional or inadvertent use of such trigger words could unleash a violent response that Muslims would regard as fully justified. As far as Islam is concerned, unbelievers are subhumans who must submit to Muslim dominance or face extermination. It is best that confrontations on these matters be avoided if at all possible.”

In contrast, in the Peter Petersen Elementary School in Neukölln, Germany the Muslim majority students routinely bully non-Muslim classmates for insulting Islam by eating non-halal food like ham sandwiches or Gummy Bears or for being Jewish. School principal Hildegard Greif-Gross complains that “the rights of native Germans are being abused by these ungrateful immigrants. We are giving them an education that far surpasses what was available to them in the countries they emigrated from. Rather than appreciating what we are doing for them they are importing the barbaric ways of the countries they left behind.”

Local Imam Mulhed Ashat condemned the principal’s complaint, calling it “an insult to Islam. Kafirs have no right to criticize any Muslim for any reason. Allah gave all the world to his believers. Her life is forfeit to the first righteous Muslim who chooses to slay her.”

In related news, more Democrat voters in America believe Muslims are treated worse here (56%) than Christians are treated in Islamic countries (47%). This is despite substantial evidence of violent crimes committed against Christians in Muslim countries during 2017, including 3,066 killed, 1,252 abducted, and 1,020 raped or sexually harassed, and 793 churches attacked or destroyed. Almost all of these crimes were carried out by “moderate” Muslims, not Islamic terrorists. In contrast, the assaults against Muslims in the United States has averaged 50 per year over the past two decades. A possible explanation for Democrats’ mistaken beliefs is likely the discrepancy in media coverage. Muslims in the US have been granted “victim” status by the media. Crimes against Christians in Muslim countries have been mostly ignored.

Conn Guv Says NRA a “Terrorist Organization”

Connecticut’s Gov. Dannel Malloy (D) called the NRA “a terrorist organization” and announced his state will “boycott the NRA.”

“Their defense of gun ownership goes far beyond legitimate protection of the rights of hunters and ventures into explicitly anti-government intent,” Malloy argued. “In their fantastical vision, citizens need guns to be able to fight against tyranny. If that isn’t an out-and-out threat to authority I don’t know what is.”

“Citizens owning guns may have made sense when we were fighting the British for our independence,” Malloy ventured. “But times have changed. Under our democracy, the government is the people. It is nonsensical that citizens would any longer need guns to protect themselves from government oppression.”

“Ideally, only the government should have guns,” Malloy contended. “The next best option would be for the government to extend the privilege to select individuals or groups whose loyalty to the government is without question. These loyal citizens would constitute the ‘well-regulated militia’ that government officials could call upon to put down rebellions against its authority—as the writers of the Second Amendment originally intended.”

Senator Says “California Represents the Future”

Sen. Kamala Harris (D-Calif) vehemently denounced US Attorney General Jeff Sessions’ efforts to enforce federal immigration laws, calling them “a grievous and doomed attempt to thwart history. California represents the future toward which America is inexorably marching.”

“As Gov. Brown so eloquently pointed out, the so-called evils that Sessions claims to be trying to prevent are part of a worldwide evolution toward the more natural way of life being experienced outside of the United States.,” Harris maintained. “The notion that Americans can live above the standards that exist in other parts of the world is both selfish and unsustainable. Owning a home with indoor plumbing, heating, and electricity is a luxury that can only be allowed for a small elite. The sooner we reconcile ourselves to this reality, the sooner we will stem the necessity of people migrating here in hopes of a better life.”

Harris admitted that “the average American may be ill-suited to adapt to this emerging return to a more natural state of existence. Our saving grace, though, is that under our state’s open-borders agenda the vast majority of those entering the country from Latin America and the Middle East are ideally suited to this life style. So, there is a replacement population that is flowing into the country of its own free will. And I am proud to stand with visionaries like Gov. Brown and Mayor Schaaf who are working diligently to accelerate this transformation.”

Part of Schaaf’s diligent work included warning illegals in her city of the recent ICE raid. This enabled an estimated 800 to escape apprehension. Of the 232 caught by ICE, 115 (~50%) had prior felony convictions for serious offenses, such as child sex crimes, weapons charges and assault, or had past convictions for significant or multiple misdemeanors. “While the 50% proportion of common criminals among the immigrants rounded up by ICE seems high, let’s not forget that we force these people into the criminal classes by making them sneak into the country,” Schaaf reminded. “If we welcomed them in and gave them apartments, food stamps and other amenities unavailable in their home countries they would have less reason to prey upon our citizens. So, I blame Trump, Sessions, and the other racists who would deny these people their human right to live wherever they choose.”

Planned Trump-Kim Meeting Irks Soros

Billionaire donor to the Democratic Party George Soros is apoplectic over the announcement that President Trump has agreed to meet with North Korean leader Kim Jong-un within the next two months to discuss nuclear disarmament of his country.

“This never should have happened,” Soros complained. “I paid $30 million to defeat Trump in the 2016 election. I’ve funded street protests and riots to try to undermine his administration. I’ve been working tirelessly with the FBI and media to generate a scandal that will drive him from office. That this Korean twit would wreck my efforts by yielding to Trump’s pressures and threats is yet another unexpected setback.”

“We were so close,” Soros lamented. “The aid provided to Kim by Presidents Clinton and Obama helped North Korea attain nuclear power status. While North Korea could never conquer the United States, the possibility that Kim could’ve nuked Guam or maybe landed a missile within the US borders should have paralyzed any rational US leader. Trump’s maniacal and unfair threat to annihilate North Korea for any attack changed the course of history for the worse. It’s beginning to look like our only hope is for the US intelligence community to take Trump out like they took out JFK after he vowed to dismantle the CIA.”

Dem Promises Reparations by 2020

Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif) promised an audience in Selma, Alabama that “we will provide reparations for slavery to all African-Americans by 2020 if we take back the House this November. We are going to divert those billion dollar tax cuts Trump gave to corporations and white people and pay off every Black man, woman, and child in America, except for ‘Uncle Toms’ like Ben Carson.”

Waters brushed aside difficulties in trying to distinguish between whites who owned slaves and the millions of white soldiers who fought in the Civil War that ended slavery in this country. “It’s not about guilt or liability,” she clarified. “It’s about racial equality. Those whites who died to free the slaves still had it better than the slaves did. Today’s whites have it better than Blacks. Equality demands that this disparity be eliminated.”

To help drive home her point, Waters targeted fellow legislator House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi’s $90 million in personal assets as “a pot of money we will be looking to redistribute among African-American members of congress. Lord knows I love Nancy like a sister, but she’s got to do her sisterly duty by me and the other members of the Black Caucus. Poor old Charlie Rangel wouldn’t have had to cheat on his taxes if he could’ve had a share of Nancy’s stash. It’s a simple matter of social justice.”

For her part, Pelosi pronounced Waters’ intention “noble of heart, but impractical in reality. Those of us in government have got to stick together rather than fight among ourselves over the few crumbs in my bank account. The Federal Reserve can print more than enough money for every descendant of a former slave to get a generous payout. There is no need for her to covet my money. My ability to hold my seat in congress and to campaign for equality is founded on the leisure provided by the income I obtain from my investments. Surely Maxine wouldn’t want to take that away from me.”

Waters tried to reassure Pelosi that “we’re not going to take it all. When you and I are evened out is when we’ll stop redistributing your wealth and move on to the next person in line.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Mueller Investigating Trump’s Complaints About Sessions

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnPresident Trump’s repeated expressions of his dissatisfaction with Attorney General Jeff Sessions’ job performance is said to have opened a new avenue of investigation for Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s probe into Russian interference with the 2016 election.

“We have two alternate theories we can pursue,” Mueller is reputed to have told his team. “On the one hand, Sessions recused himself from the Russia investigation. This is prima facie evidence that he has something to hide. Could that something be knowledge of Russian collusion? Could Trump’s public bullying of his Attorney General be an attempt to intimidate him into keeping silent?”

“On the other hand, isn’t Trump’s attempt to push the Attorney General into an action he prefers not to take evidence of abuse of power?” Mueller continued. “Take Trump’s insistence that the Department of Justice investigate Hillary Clinton and former President Obama. Former FBI Director James Comey already investigated Secretary Clinton and found her not guilty. Wouldn’t reopening the case constitute double jeopardy? And President Obama has already denied any wrongdoing. Trump’s implication that his predecessor might be lying isn’t the way we treat former presidents. It’s destabilizing. It suggests that Trump himself may be a domestic enemy of our form of government.”

While Mueller is said to have instructed his team to pursue both theories, he admitted that “we won’t get much traction with theories alone. Media hype can only take us so far. We need a triggering event. The most obvious trigger would be for Trump to fire Sessions. Given the dirt we have in Sessions’ file plus the grievance he will feel against the man who lured him from his cozy seat in the Senate only to fire him a year later I’m pretty sure we can persuade him to cooperate with us. After all, Sessions has told friends that ‘working with Trump is the most humiliating experience in decades of public life.’”

In related news, Sirius XM radio host Mark Thompson complained that “Mueller is overlooking the fact that criticizing the FBI is itself seditious. It attacks the very foundation of our government. By impugning the reputation of this great agency Trump, Nunes, Grassley, almost the entire Republican Party, are clearly guilty of trying to undermine our form of government. If I were Mueller I’d have all these guys arrested and put Obama back on the throne.”

Guv Disputes “Worst Quality of Life” Finding

This week, a report published by U.S. News on the quality of life in the United States ranked the State of California dead last—behind even the renowned “arm pit” State of New Jersey. “High rents, high taxes, and insufferable inhabitants” were cited as key low points contributing to California’s last place finish.

“In many of the cities even cramped and dumpy apartments can cost thousands per month in rent,” the report commented. “It should be no surprise that homelessness in Los Angeles County has increased by 75% over the last six years. What is surprising is that public defecation has become the norm in many parts of what were once among the most admired cities in America.”

Gov. Jerry Brown (D) disagreed with the U.S. News report’s conclusions. “I challenge their frame of reference,” he said. “They’re mired in a myopic perspective that focuses on how much it costs to live here and have the amenities of a middle class lifestyle. What they overlook is that our state is pioneering the transition toward getting in step with the rest of the world, not keeping up with the Joneses in other states. U.S. News sees a rise in homelessness through a materialistic lens. I see it as regressing to the mean of how the majority of people on this planet live.”

“Discomfort and bad sanitation are the norm for most of the world,” Brown pointed out. “The easy life to which so many Americans have become accustomed is abnormal. I don’t see California as lagging the rest of the states. I see us leading the way toward a mode of living that is more natural and environmentally friendly. Living in a box in a public park or under a bridge has a smaller carbon footprint than busting your butt to be able to afford a mortgage on a house. I foresee an America where nearly everyone except Democrat donors adopts the new California lifestyle. I’m proud to have been able to play a leadership role in paving the way.”

In related news, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) called Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) efforts to apprehend persons illegally in the United States “a shocking abuse of law enforcement power. These immigrants have come to America for a better life. It is our Christian obligation to provide this better life. ICE’s reliance on mere statutory law as the justification for ignoring this obligation is shameful.” The ICE raid in northern California that Pelosi condemned had targeted over 800 illegal immigrants with outstanding arrest warrants.

“Mistakes” Not “Scandals”

Speaking at MIT, former President Obama sought to convince the 3500 in attendance that “unlike what we’ve seen from just the first year of the Trump Administration, my eight-year tenure in office was remarkably scandal free. I admit we made a few mistakes, but nothing that embarrassed us.”

Obama critics might disagree. Fox News’ Sean Hannity rattled of a list that included the Fast and Furious sale of guns to Mexican gangsters, the failure to send aid to our besieged consulate in Benghazi, the IRS discrimination against political conservatives, the Uranium One sale of 20% of the US uranium supply to a Russian company that was brokered by bribery, and the FBI’s lying to the FISA court in order to spy on the Trump campaign and suggested that “surely this level of incompetence and/or corruption ought to inspire a few twinges of guilt, remorse, or shame. How could a person with a conscience not be embarrassed by some of these scandals?”

New York Times fake conservative columnist David Brooks questioned whether Hannity’s list contained any real scandals. “First, no one in the genuine media has called these events scandals. Second, one could make the case that they were all successful policy initiatives. Was the sale of guns to Mexican drug cartels really a scandal? Haven’t those cartels helped reduce illegal immigration by murdering thousands who might otherwise have sneaked across our border? And didn’t the bribes obtained in the Uranium One deal bring millions of dollars into the US economy? To label all of these unconventional transactions ‘scandals’ strikes me as overly simplistic. Life is more complex than the binomial right vs. wrong choice that people like Hannity perceive. Let’s not forget that it was Obama, not Hannity, who won a Nobel Peace Prize. Doesn’t this tell us who we should believe?”

Sheriff Defends Holding Officers Out of Line of Fire

Broward County sheriff Scott Israel rebuffed criticism of the decision to order his deputies to “form a perimeter” rather than enter Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in order to confront Nikolas Cruz as he shot 17 students and teachers to death.

“It’s a simple calculation of risk vs. reward,” Israel argued. “Anyone I might’ve sent in ran the risk of being shot before he could take any useful action to neutralize the threat. Each of my deputies is a highly trained and valuable asset to the community. The loss of any one of these men would be a significant loss to society. I had to weigh this against the relatively lower social value of the students who might get shot if my deputies remained outside.”

“For the most part, students are a liability rather than an asset to society,” the Sheriff estimated. “They have to be maintained and supported at great cost to others. They contribute little toward the upkeep of the community. So, in my judgment I could not justify risking the lives of the more valuable police officers in the uncertain hope that such a decision might save the lives of a few less valuable students.”

“In the aftermath, I think my judgment was vindicated,” Israel contended. “No law enforcement personnel were injured. The loss of lives inside the school were a tolerable number. As we have since seen, the school has been able to resume its normal activities, proving that those killed by the gunmen were not vital to the school’s mission or survival. The icing on the cake was that Cruz was peacefully apprehended without incident outside the school. He confessed to the crime and the case is solved without requiring a messy and expensive investigation. I’d say the outcome has demonstrated the amazing leadership I have provided as Broward County’s sheriff.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.