Ending Our Silence: Let No One Named McCain Succeed the Vindictive Maverick

I was going to hold my tongue about the death of John McCain, but after reading this AP story … well let’s just say the gloves are coming off!

WASHINGTON (AP) — John McCain’s daughter and two former presidents led a public rebuke of President Donald Trump’s divisive politics at the late senator’s memorial service Saturday in a call for a return to civility among the nation’s leaders.

The nearly three-hour service at the Washington National Cathedral was a remarkable show of defiance against a president McCain openly defied in life as the antithesis of the American spirit of service to something greater than any individual.

Standing near McCain’s flag-draped casket and with Trump’s daughter in the audience, Meghan McCain delivered a broadside against the uninvited president without mentioning his name.

“We gather here to mourn the passing of American greatness — the real thing, not cheap rhetoric from men who will never come near the sacrifice he gave so willingly, nor the opportunistic appropriation of those who lived lives of comfort and privilege while he suffered and served,” she said, her voice first choking back tears. Then, it rose in anger.

“The America of John McCain,” she added, with a reference to Trump’s trademark phrase, “has no need to be made great again because America was always great.”

The audience of Washington power players erupted in applause.

“So much of our politics, our public life, our public discourse can seem small and mean and petty, trafficking in bombast and insult and phony controversies and manufactured outrage,” Obama said in a not-so-veiled nod to Trump. “It’s a politics that pretends to be brave and tough but in fact is born in fear. John called on us to be bigger than that. He called on us to be better than that.”


The passing of “greatness” remark is absolutely over the top, ridiculous, laughable and untrue. John McCain did not finish strong or valiantly. He was not the old soldier just fading away. He was petty, vindictive, nasty, insulting, just as he had been during his too many years in Congress. Many Arizonans attempted to recall McCain from office several years ago and for good reason. He was more civil to Democrats Tom Daschle and Barack Obama than to many hard-working, dedicated conservative base members of his own party. To many of his constituents his representation in Washington was invisible.

The Machiavellian McCain was so petty that he once spent nearly $20,000 just to get rid of a conservative chairman in his home legislative district. By God’s grace, he failed in that attempt! He was an inarticulate, ineffective senator who did little to endear himself to the many millions of Americans he regularly insulted. The last two times I saw McCain speak in person, he called loyal Republicans “idiots,” trashed the GOP’s pro-life platform and criticized a group that invited him to speak. McCain destroyed his in-party primary candidates with scorn, vicious mudslinging and disingenuous advertising. For him or his family to speak high and mighty words about civility and greatness is beyond hypocritical! It is insulting.

This past week saw the amazing end of the McCain machine and it’s our hope that the Arizona Republican Party recovers from the stranglehold he held over it and emerges with new, stronger, more respectful and more professional and inspiring leadership. We saw McCain pass from this earth and we saw Martha McSally given the nomination by Republicans to replace him in the Senate. Jeff Flake was a hand-picked puppet; his predecessor Jon Kyl was also controlled by McCain. At long last we are now free of the shackles of the McCain political machine and we pray for better, stronger Republican leadership from our emerging new representation in the U.S. Senate.

We demand that no one named “McCain” be named to finish out his term. We have had enough and it’s time to move on from the McCain Machine.


Candidate Calls for Free Health Care for Illegals

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Former San Francisco mayor and current Democratic candidate for governor of California Gavin Newsome has pledged to make health care free for all illegal immigrants if he wins in November. “When I was mayor I extended the boundaries of freedom beyond what is provided in any other city in America,” Newsome boasted. “The most well-known of these freedoms is, of course, the freedom to defecate in public without fear of penalty. But an overlooked freedom was using public funds to ensure that every undocumented person residing in the city received the same benefits that citizens are required to purchase under Obamacare.”

Newsome defended the disparate treatment by citing “the unforgivable gap between the wealth of those who have good-paying jobs, careers, and businesses and those who literally had nothing but the clothes on their backs when they crossed the border from Mexico. Those who have must bear the burden of caring for those who have-not. I look forward to expanding the advances I made in San Francisco into a statewide transformation of the way all Californians live.”

In related news, the public defecation that had previously been confined to neighborhoods infested with homeless vagrants has popped up at the SF airport where cabbies waiting to pick up fares have been relieving themselves on the pavement. Airport officials are outraged, but several cab drivers have spoken out in defense of the practice saying that the threat of sanctions against them for public defecation “is an infringement on the rights that were granted to everyone by Mayor Newsome.”

Staff Changes at the Special Prosecutor’s Office

Signs that Special Counsel Robert Mueller is about to ramp up the enforcement phase of his campaign against the Trump Administration was indicated by the departure of two lower-ranking prosecutors. The slots will be filled by two former military sharpshooters.

Peter Carr, a spokesman for the special counsel, explained that “the seriousness of the threat to the nation posed by President Trump combined with his power to thwart normal legal procedures has forced Mr. Mueller to consider a more forceful approach.” Carr cited the action taken to neutralize Osama bin Laden as a precedent for Mueller’s decision. “The nation didn’t limit itself to an impractical option of arresting and prosecuting bin Laden and we shouldn’t expect the Special Counsel to do so when confronted with the greater threat posed by Trump.”

Carr added “it is our hope that by being upfront in our announcement of the staffing adjustments that President Trump will take the hint and resign of his own free will. We’re not eager to get more blood on our hands than is necessary, but we will do whatever we have to in order to save the nation from a dangerous usurper.”

Sean Casten, the Democratic candidate in Illinois’ 6th Congressional District hailed the Special Counsel staff changes, calling them “the kind of ‘outside-the-box’ thinking we need in these perilous times. I thought I was the only one who saw the remarkable similarities between Trump and Osama. I’m glad to see that Robert Mueller is on the same page and is preparing to take the extreme measures required to deal with it.”

In related news, Georgetown University law professor Joshua Geltzer told a CNN audience that “it is not enough that Trump just be removed from office, all evidence that he was ever the president must be erased. Don’t think it can’t be done. There is historical precedent for such an erasure. In ancient times the names of reviled Pharaohs were chiseled off monuments. More recently, the Soviet Union erased the records of traitors from their history, even going so far as to retouch old photos. These erasures have helped deprive the disloyal unknowns hiding among the population from rallying around the memory of the enemies of the state.”

Along these lines, billionaire globalist George Soros is funding a Media Matters scheme aimed at eliminating Trump supporters from access to social media by the year 2020. David Brock, founder of Media Matters for America, bragged that “we will coordinate with Google, Facebook and Twitter to implement the suppression of anti-democratic content from conservatives, Republicans, and Trump supporters whenever and wherever possible.”

MSNBC Panel Agrees “Trump Supporters Are Selfish”

A panel hosted by MSNBC anchor Stephanie Ruhle unanimously agreed that Trump supporters, unlike those who oppose him, are “selfish.” Ruhle set the tone, saying that “the morally reprehensible behavior of the President doesn’t seem to bother these people. I mean, there was the ‘Access Hollywood’ tape that should have destroyed him during the last weeks of the 2016 campaign. Now, there is a plausible contention that he had sex with Stormy Daniels ten years ago and paid her off to keep quiet about it. Is this the kind of person we want as our president?”

“What I am hearing from Trump supporters is their satisfaction with the job he is doing as president,” Ruhle said. “They like the tax cuts. They like the low unemployment. They like keeping immigrants from sneaking into the country. They like the ‘originalist’ judges he’s appointed to the courts. These are all selfish reasons for supporting Trump. They don’t consider things like how will Trump’s policies affect those who depend on government to support them, or that jobs are boring, or that the border with Mexico was established by conquest, or that a rigid adherence to the text of the Constitution limits judges’ ability to rule in favor of social justice. They are thinking about what’s better for them when they should be thinking about what’s better for others.”

Co-anchor Ali Velshi found Trump supporters’ opposition to government-funded abortions to be “an especially egregious example of selfishness. They’d rather have lower taxes than pay for women to terminate their pregnancies. Without access to free abortions more children will be born and the world will become even more clogged with unneeded humans.”

Billionaire Tom Steyer predicted that “this selfishness will not prevail at the polls. I’m seeing a lot of enthusiasm among Democratic voters. I think we will see victories for candidates who will undo the tax cuts, restore welfare benefits, open the border, and enact fully socialized health care. That’s where my money is invested.”

Blame for Chinese Espionage Coup Unclear

The execution of 20 CIA spies by the Chinese government during the Obama term was a serious setback for America’s national security. The question of who is to blame remains a matter of dispute. Candidates include Sen. Diane Feinstein (D-Calif) and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.

It was revealed earlier in August that a member of Sen. Feinstein’s staff for the last 20 years was, in fact, a spy for the Chinese government. Feinstein was a member of the Senate Intelligence Committee from 2009 to 2017 and would have been privy to a lot of classified material that might have been purloined by the Chinese spy she employed. She also has a history of lobbying for legislation viewed as favorable toward Chinese interests. She has attempted to rebuff accusations that she may be the person at fault for the loss of our spies in China by pointing out that “the spy on my staff was mostly a chauffeur and not an intentional participant in any discussions of classified information I may have had during the Obama years.”

It has also been discovered that in 2015 the Intelligence Community Inspector General (ICIG) warned the FBI that a Chinese company had hacked into the unsecure computer that Clinton used when she was Secretary of State and implanted software that automatically sent copies of her emails to China. Unfortunately, the FBI agent that the ICIG warned was Peter Strzok who took no action to block this security breach. It’s possible that among the classified data transmitted by Secretary Clinton via her computer was information identifying the US spies that were later executed. In her defense, Clinton has asserted that “I would never knowingly have transmitted classified information that could have proved harmful to America’s interests.”

In its continuing quest to absolve Hillary Clinton for every crime she has committed, the FBI asserted that “we have no evidence that Secretary Clinton’s computer was hacked by the Chinese.” This assertion stands in contrast to the FBI’s assertion that Russians hacked her computer. The distinction is baffling since the FBI has never had access to her computer because she irreversibly erased all of its contents claiming that “all government-related documents had already been turned over and only personal correspondence remained”–a statement that has subsequently been discredited.

Dem Objections to Supreme Court Nominee Mount

Democrats’ objections to Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh continue to mount. Sen. Mazie Hirono (Hawaii) complains that “all I see from his record is a slavish devotion to the written law. I see no willingness to consider the unwritten law or the social justice implications of refusing to create new laws when circumstances warrant it.”

Sen. Richard Blumenthal (Conn) found “Kavanaugh’s lack of military experience a bit troubling. My Vietnam service has been an essential building block of my career. I couldn’t have been the effective senator I have been without it.”

Sen. Christopher Coons (Del) lamented “the inadequate paper trail provided by the Republicans. We need to see every document Judge Kavanaugh has ever touched if we are to give the fully informed advice and consent that the Constitution has assigned to us as senators.”

The “every document” demand amounts to nearly 3 million additional pages and would take many months to assemble. Right now the senators have access to 500,000 pages of documents—more than twice as many pages as have been provided for any previous Supreme Court nominee by either Party.

Sen. Thom Tillis (R-SC) derided what he labeled “an insatiable appetite for irrelevant trivia. The key documents senators should be reading to evaluate Judge Kavanaugh’s fitness are his written decisions in actual cases. These are the instances in which a judge has to rule on the law. Any admin work he might have done before he was a judge isn’t pertinent to or indicative of his legal reasoning.”

Cuomo Attacks GDP as Measure of Economic Health

Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D-NY), anxious to build on the momentum set in motion by his earlier assertion that “America was never that great,” demanded a better measure of the nation’s economic health. “I know that the Trump Administration is touting last quarter’s 4.2% rise in GDP as a sign that the economy is booming,” the Governor observed. “But is this really the best measure we can come up with? GDP growth never got as high as 3% during the Obama Administration. But can we really say that Americans weren’t better off then?”

“The problem with GDP is that it is founded on the notion that more is better—more output, more jobs, more profits—but is this true?” Cuomo asked. “More output means we have more stuff, but isn’t a lot of this stuff just more junk to clutter our lives? More jobs means less leisure—is this what we really want? And doesn’t more profits only encourage more investment and lead back to more output and more jobs in a kind of vicious circle?”

“I have a sense that people were really better off during the more stable years under the Obama Administration,” Cuomo imagined. “Fewer people were ensnared in the rat race. More were able to live worry-free on the generous benefits provided by the government. We need a better way to measure that type of intangible enjoyment of life so we can more fairly compare the peace and serenity of the Obama years with the crushing burdens of work that have inspired so many people to take to the streets and assault their fellow citizens now that Trump is president.”

Meanwhile, Cynthia Nixon, Cuomo’s opponent in the Democratic primary, has called for “less investment in law and order and more investment in free health care. Law and order has different impacts on different segments of society. Not everyone agrees that the current owners of property are morally entitled to hold onto it. Why should they vote for a governor who favors law and order? Free health care, on the other hand, benefits those on either side of the law. Both the victim of rape and the burglar shot by a home owner would benefit from the universal free health care program I will implement when I am elected governor.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Riggs’ Lead in Supt. of Public Instruction Primary Down to 575 Votes

As of Saturday morning, 100 percent of the precincts have reported. More than 1 million votes have been counted, and turnout is up to 30 percent. In the ever-tightening State Supt. of Public Instruction race, Franks Riggs’ lead (21.9 percent) has dropped to 575 votes over Bob Branch (21.8 percent). Incumbent Diane Douglas is at 21.37 percent and trails Riggs by 2,771 votes.

In the Arizona Senate District 12 race, Eddie Farnsworth’s lead over Jimmy Lindblom is now 783 votes. Farnsworth leads by 3 percent.

Clear-cut Republican Primary winners include:

Doug Ducey, governor

Martha McSally, Senate

Steve Gaynor, Secretary of State

Kimberly Yee, State Treasurer

Wendy Rogers, Congressional District 1

Lea Marquez Peterson, Congressional District 2

Nick Pierson, Congressional District 3

Debbie Lesko, Congressional District 8

Stephen Ferrara, Congressional District 9

Incumbent Congressmen Andy Biggs, David Schweikert and Paul Gosar each ran unopposed in the primary.

Attorney General Mark Brnovich and State Mining Inspector Joe Hart both ran unopposed.

Justin Olson and Rodney Glassman won the GOP’s two spots for the general election for Arizona Corporation Commission.

Please check back in the days to follow as the vote-counting continues.


‘No Crime Required for Impeachment’ Dem Say

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

This week’s “plea bargain” in which former Trump lawyer Michael Cohen confessed to the non-crime of paying “hush money” to two women alleging trysts with Donald Trump more than ten years ago has created an impeachment frenzy in media and Democratic Party circles. Under normal circumstances, a threat to expose embarrassing information unless a payment is made would be considered extortion. That would make the person demanding payment the criminal party in the transaction.

But, as Rep. Al Green (D-Tex) says, “normally, a person being victimized by a blackmailer would deserve sympathy. However, when that victim is Donald Trump we need to consider the totality of the circumstances. By seeking to suppress negative information during an election campaign Trump has conspired to influence the outcome of an election. That is enough to justify removing him from office.”

“Even if the allegations against him are untrue and he never had sex with these women offering them money to withhold their allegations from the media and the voters is behavior unworthy of a president,” Green argued. “If Trump isn’t ashamed enough to resign on his own Congress should impeach him.”

Green sought to differentiate the current situation from that faced by former President Bill Clinton, saying that “as I recall, Clinton tried to persuade his accusers rather than bribe them to keep silent. It was only afterwards that he agreed to pay Paula Jones $850,000 to settle her sexual harassment lawsuit against him. So, I’d say the two cases are completely different.”

“Besides, Bill Clinton’s term saw some of the best governance in American history,” Green remembered. “The federal deficit plunged. North Korea was paid to discontinue its nuclear program. The Branch Davidians were wiped out. Elian Gonzales was returned to Cuba. Trump’s record pales in contrast. His tax cuts may have sparked a private sector boom, but government deficits are higher. Fewer Americans are receiving unemployment benefits and food stamps. A distressing number of African-Americans have been induced to forgo the security of these benefits and venture into the treacherous waters of owning and operating small businesses where the risk of failure is high.”

In related news, Cohen’s lawyer, former Clinton apparatchik Lanny Davis, avowed that his client “would neither seek nor accept a pardon from President Trump. Michael is a changed man. He’s determined to do the right thing no matter what the cost. He’s even willing to go to prison if that is what it takes to rescue the nation from the clutches of the evil Donald Trump. That’s the kind of integrity his prosecution has inspired in him.” Meanwhile, Davis asked donors to be generous on Cohen’s GoFundMe page “so he will have enough money to pay for my legal services.”

Senator Lectures Parents of Slain Co-ed

The discovery of the body of missing Iowa college student Mollie Tibbets brought a tragic end to a month-long search. The arrest of Cristhian Bahena Rivera, an illegal alien, for her murder inspired Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) to urge Ms. Tibbets’ parents to “focus on the bigger picture. Sure they have lost a daughter, but this loss must be weighed against the suffering of the much larger contingent of immigrant parents who have been separated from their children merely because they’ve entered the country illegally.”

“I mean, I’m sorry Mollie Tibbets is dead, but she was just one person,” Warren pointed out. “Hundreds, if not thousands of immigrant children have been separated from their parents. The aggregate pain of these separations easily exceeds the few moments of pain Mollie experienced as she was stabbed to death. Her pain will be balanced by the pain her assailant experiences when he spends a couple of decades behind bars. His ‘American dream’ has likely come to an end. However, this doesn’t justify trampling on the dreams of immigrants whose only ‘crime’ is illegally crossing the border.”

Rivera admitted dragging her body out of the trunk of his car and burying it in a shallow grave in a cornfield not far from where he lives, but claims to have no memory of actually killing her. “I went to put some groceries in my trunk when there was this dead girl in there,” Rivera recalled. “I panicked. All I could think to do was bury her and hope the body was never found. But I was unlucky and the police found me. Now I’ll probably be deported. I’m a hard worker and I’ve never done anything else wrong. It doesn’t seem fair.”

In related news, the ruling Social Democrats are irate over the decision by Sweden’s public broadcaster (SVT) to air crime statistics showing that foreign-born men (mostly Muslim immigrants) are responsible for 58% of the rapes committed in the country. Party Leader Stefan Löfven complained that “the introduction of this statistic into the public arena during an election campaign is very disruptive. The average voter is not competent to assess these data. The result will be confusion that will undermine their faith in our Party’s ability to govern. Obviously, after we win we’ll be looking into ways of preventing the release of embarrassing information that might influence future elections.”

UN Sec Gen Calls for More Aid to Fight Israel

Lamenting that “those who oppose Israel are not as well-armed as the Jews,” United Nations Secretary-General, Antonio Guterres called for “increased spending to level the playing field. The Palestinian quest to annihilate Israel is severely hampered by the superior fighting ability of the Israeli Defense Forces. Israel has sophisticated weapons, well-trained troops and pilots, and a sense of desperation that gives them no alternative but to courageously fight for survival. This puts their enemies at an unfair disadvantage.”

“The $5 billion in US aid to the Palestinians over the past decade has been insufficient to give these oppressed people a decent chance of success against Israel,” Guterres complained. “The weapons they’ve bought have been inferior. Their strategy has been chaotic. Their tactics of attacking civilians have failed to achieve the intended results. As a result the retaliation by Israeli Defense Forces has effectively thwarted any progress toward the ultimate goal of wiping Israel off the map. We need a redoubled effort.”

Guterres said he was “pessimistic that we can count on the Trump regime to do the right thing,” but held out hope that “perhaps if he is removed from office by Mueller or Congress his successor will be more amenable to the idea of funding a fairer fight between the two sides contesting for control over the land now occupied by the Jews.”

California to Rescue 800,000 Welfare Recipients

As the Trump economic boom has pushed the state’s unemployment rate to a low of 4.2 percent, the Brown Administration has applied to the U.S. Department of Agriculture for a waiver of the requirement for 800,000 able-bodied and childless Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP) recipients in 55 counties to do some work in exchange for this government benefit.

Gov. Jerry Brown (D) defended the action calling it “an act of mercy. Most of these long-term welfare recipients have no work experience or aptitude. Demanding that they enter the workforce even on a part time basis constitutes an inhumane and traumatic culture shock. In theory, they might be capable of doing some work, but in reality they are habituated to an indolent lifestyle. Any tasks they might be induced to perform will very likely be done poorly. So, not only would forcing them to work destroy their way of life, the output of their efforts will almost certainly prove unsatisfactory.”

Brown rejected even low-skill options such as picking up litter, calling it “beneath the dignity that every human being has a right to expect. It may not require skill to do such jobs, but that in itself is a humiliation that no one should be forced to endure. In my mind, it’s preferable that those of us who are better off bear a higher tax burden than that we deprive those less well off pf the leisure to which they’ve become accustomed. Fortunately for our state, the bulk of the tax burden will be borne by the rest of the nation.”

In related news, Gov. Brown was recently ordered by the state’s 3rd Appellate District Court to repay more than $300 million in funds the state illegally diverted from a national fund intended to help homeowners struggling with foreclosures. In response, the State’s Democratically controlled legislature has plans to legalize the illegal transfer by statutory means. Assembly member Philip Ting (D-San Fran) boasted that “AB1829 will use the sovereign power of the State under the US Constitution’s 10th Amendment to overrule the court’s decision. Since the federal government lacks the enumerated Constitutional authority to bail out home mortgages we have the right to divert the federal money as we deem fit.”

South Africa Government Protests Trump Tweets

South Africa’s government has lodged a formal protest alleging that President Trump’s tweet questioning its confiscation of the property of white farmers is “an inappropriate interference with the internal affairs of our country. We are a sovereign nation. Everyone living within our borders is ours to do with as we deem best. As recently as July of this year, American President Obama acknowledged that this property transfer is inspiring great hope in our country.”

While the property seizures violate the country’s current constitution, President Cyril Ramaphosa is asking the Parliament “to change the constitution and allow the government to seize the land without compensating the owners. We are not saying that the land has been mismanaged. It has been well-cared for and that is the problem. The wealth generated by the white owners is disproportionately higher than the wealth generated on farms owned by the black majority. This is unjust. The confiscation will rectify this injustice and allow blacks to own and manage these lands for good or ill. Either way, it will be blacks making their own future.”

Trump isn’t the only one to express concerns. The liberal-leaning South African Institute of Race Relations (SAIRR) said the policy was causing damage to the country and would not bring about positive results. “President Ramaphosa’s assertion that the expropriation of this private property will not adversely affect economic growth, agricultural production, or food security is contradicted by the history of similar property seizures around the world,” according to a statement issued by SAIRR. “Trampling property rights weakens the incentive to use resources wisely. A regime that can seize land without compensating its owners will likely get poor results from the new owners it redistributes the land to. Not only do these new owners lack the experience that leads to good stewardship, they will also know that their ownership is insecure, which also tends to discourage good stewardship.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Senator Introduces ‘Accountable Capitalism Act’

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) is sponsoring legislation that would negate the control of corporate shareholders and transfer authority to government. Her bill—the “Accountable Capitalism Act”–is, in her words, “intended to replace greedy profiteering with the more socially beneficial guidance of government oversight.”

The prime motive for the bill was her discovery that employees share of the income generated by businesses has fallen from 85% 20 years ago to “only” 75% today. “As Karl Marx conclusively proved more than 150 years ago, all the value created by businesses comes from labor,” Warren contended. “It is shameful that any of this value is expropriated by the capitalistic overlords. My bill would correct this travesty and bring about an era of social justice the likes of which the world has never seen.”

Critics have pointed out that her legislation would institute an economic structure eerily similar to that of the National Socialist German Workers’ Party in the 1930s. Undeterred, Warren argued that “while we can all abhor the vile racist goals of the Nazis we shouldn’t let that blind us to the economic virtues of their system. The economy boomed and gave a grossly outnumbered Germany the strength to take on nearly every government in Europe and nearly win. By shifting the governance of business from a narrow focus on earning profits by selfishly serving private individuals and imposing a requirement that they serve the national interest my bill will make America stronger and move us closer to attaining the utopia envisioned by Marx in his Communist Manifesto.”

Chris Cuomo: “Antifa Violence” Justified

CNN’s Chris Cuomo defended Antifa’s assaults on political opponents, calling it “a justifiable tactic to combat bigotry. The attempt to equate this with Nazi Brownshirts beating up Jews and political opponents is unfair. The Nazis were bigots. Their victims were innocent. Antifa’s victims are the right wing bigots who support the ‘bigot-in-chief’ who occupies the White House. Cracking their skulls is a socially beneficial use of violence for a good cause.”

In related news, CNN filed a motion to unseal the names and addresses of the jurors in the Manafort trial. The motion asserted that “the public has a right to know who these people are and the jurors need to know that they will be held accountable for their decision. If the appropriate verdict isn’t rendered at the trial a righteously offended public has to have a reasonable avenue for expressing their outrage. The fact that the jurors will be at home over the weekend before returning on Monday for further deliberations makes it all the more urgent that the opportunity for interface between jurors and citizens interested in the ultimate verdict be afforded in a timely fashion.”

Andrew Cuomo: “America Was Never that Great”

In what many suspect is an opening salvo in a potential 2020 run for president, Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D-NY) sought to establish a sharp contrast between himself and President Trump by telling an audience of Democratic partisans that “America was never that great.” This strong rebuttal to Trump’s pledge to “make America great again” elicited a mixed reaction. Some applauded his honesty. Others chided it.

Cuomo defended his contention by citing slavery, discrimination, and sexism. “America won’t be great until everyone is equal,” Cuomo insisted. “The descendants of those who benefited from slavery, discrimination, and sexism must first experience the sting of being on the receiving end of those damaging policies and attitudes. Those who are white need to be forced to toil for the benefit of minorities. Those who are white must be sent to the back of the bus. Those who are male must endure the same pain that women have endured since the beginning of time. Then America will be on the true path of greatness.”

Cuomo spokeswoman Dani Lever endeavored to clarify his remarks by saying that “an acknowledgment of mistakes must precede improvement. While Trump and his apologists assert that equality of opportunity is what makes America great this is little comfort to those unable or unwilling to make the effort to improve their lot in life. Not everyone is born with the talent or ambition to achieve the American dream on his or her own. The Governor believes it is the duty of government to level out this imbalance if we are to ensure that everyone can enjoy the good life regardless of whether they can ‘earn it’ for themselves. That has been the long-standing difference between Democrats and Republicans.”

Sexual Abuse a Religious Freedom Issue

The accusations that Democratic National Committee vice chairman Keith Ellison sexually abused two women may become the latest case of social mores butting up against religious freedom. DNC chairman Tom Perez reminded critics of Ellison’s behavior that “imposition of Christian standards of behavior on a Muslim man violate the First Amendment protection against government infringement on the free exercise of religion.”

“Under Islam, a man has total dominance over a woman,” Perez observed. “First, under sharia law, a woman is effectively only half as human as a man. Using this math, each of the accusers’ testimony is out weighed by a ratio of 1.0:0.5. That’s a two-thirds super-majority. Second, the right of a man to discipline a woman using moderate beatings is expressly authorized. Those demanding that Keith step down from his position in government and bow out of the race for Minnesota Attorney General would be applying an unconstitutional religious test for holding public office.”

Deep State Denizens Object to Losing Clearances

This week’s revocation of the security clearance of former CIA Director John Brennan elicited howls of protest from deep state apparatchiks. Brennan himself characterized the action as “treasonous. My ability to continue protecting this nation by leaking selected classified information to the media in our continuing effort to blunt the influence of President Trump is eviscerated by this cruel and callous act.”

Former FBI Director James Comey called it “an illegitimate use of executive authority. Nominally, a president has the power to award or remove anyone’s access to classified material. But Trump’s selective use of this authority against those of us who are trying to end his tyranny should frighten every right-thinking American.”

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) maintained that “this action is a pathetic attempt to silence critics. The credibility of Director Brennan is tied to the perception that he is a patriot working for what’s best for the country. Canceling his clearance taints that perception and undermines his credibility with the general public. The reminder that he was once a member of the Communist Party further taints that credibility and is as underhanded a political move as I have ever seen.”

Washington Post editor/columnist Eugene Robinson insisted that “canceling Brennan’s access to classified information is just a blatant abuse of power. I mean, I don’t know what else you can call it. And really should be one of the eventual articles of impeachment.” Robinson rebuffed contentions that former government officials no longer have a valid need to see classified files by pointing out that “Brennan is now employed as a commentator for MSNBC. His value in that capacity is enormously enhanced by continued access to secret government files. Removing that access will limit his value and endanger his job.”

For his part, Brennan vowed to press on saying that “while my official access may have been canceled I still have many friends and contacts in the government who do have access that I can count on to include me in the continuing fight to unseat the usurper. If I could successfully leak classified info to the media when I was in the CIA those still in the CIA can leak it to me now that I am in the media.”

San Francisco Launches “Poop Patrol”

In another triumph of progress politics, the City of San Francisco has announced the formation of an official “Poop Patrol” to scour the streets and remove the mounting piles of human excrement deposited by the homeless inhabitants of the community. The Patrol will start with a staff of six—one supervisor and five workers.

Public works department spokeswoman Rachel Gordon said “we’re not denying the right of the homeless to carry out necessary bodily functions as they see fit. After all, the streets and sidewalks are public spaces open to all. We want the homeless to understand that this is not meant to criticize their life style, but to help mitigate the negative health consequences of letting the stuff pile up to intolerable levels.”

The new Patrol will supplement the existing “Pit Stop” and 311 “Poop Hot Line” programs, which failed to stem the rising tide of human waste infesting the City’s public spaces. “The Pit Stop program provides public toilets in the downtown area, however, we realize that not everyone has the energy or motivation to make their way to these facilities,” Gordon observed. “Likewise, relying on citizens to call in sightings has a negative impact of perceptions of how clean and safe the community is. It’s one thing to ask citizens to phone in crimes-in-progress like they do in Chicago. The caller could save someone’s life or help catch a murderer. It’s embarrassing to ask citizens to report defecations-in-progress. The caller may feel like a prude or peeping Tom.”

McConnell Concocts a “Chameleon” Election Strategy

Concerned by predictions that a Democratic “blue wave” could lead to a loss of Republican majorities in the House and Senate, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky) has devised what he boasted is “a foolproof plan to avert disaster.”

The gist of this plan is to blur the differences between the two Parties by scheduling a number of votes on bipartisan bills that garner support from both sides of the aisle. The bills the Majority Leader has in mind include votes on the Defense and Labor, Health and Human Services spending bill, opioids legislation and the Water Resources Development Act. “I call it the ‘chameleon’ ploy,” McConnell said. “If Republicans and Democrats are voting on the same side of this issues voters won’t have a good reason to vote against us and the blue wave will be dissipated.”

“We’re in a tough spot,” McConnell argued. “The tax cuts we passed have energized the media against our Party. They can be counted on to remind voters that we implemented legislation that effectively pushed more people into the workforce—people that were previously perfectly comfortable subsisting on welfare. The deregulation implemented under President Trump’s direction has enabled an economic expansion that has created new jobs that undermined the rationale for idleness. Democrats will lambaste us for this in their campaign ads. The ‘chameleon’ strategy will moderate voters anger over what Republicans have done to disrupt their lives.”

McConnell rebuffed President Trump’s request to schedule a vote on making the individual component of the tax cut bill permanent on the dual grounds that “this would simply remind voters who may have already forgotten who pushed the tax cut through and would anger the Democrats who will likely be the majority after the election no matter what we do to try to avert that.”

Chelsea Clinton Touts Economic Benefits of Abortion

In a bid to energize Democratic voters for the upcoming congressional elections, former First Daughter Chelsea Clinton touted the economic benefits of abortion.

“Since 1973’s Roe v. Wade decision, the legal termination of more than 50 million useless eaters has saved the US economy more than $3.5 trillion,” she told the pro-abortion crowd. “By relieving 50 million women from the drudgery of child rearing the ruling enabled them to employ their talents more productively by taking jobs and earning a higher income.”

“All these benefits are in danger if Democrats can’t take control of Congress to block pro-life legislation and pro-life judicial appointments,” Clinton pointed out. “Republicans are determined to put the interests of unwanted children ahead of the economic prosperity of women. Whether it be a Kavanaugh ascending to the Supreme Court or a legislature enacting civil rights for the unborn, the threat is real. That’s why it is absolutely crucial that we get out and vote this November.”

In related news, Rep. Grace Meng (D-NY) is sponsoring a Constitutional Amendment that would lower the voting age to 16. “Any woman old enough to possibly need an abortion ought to have a say in electing those who have the power to ensure that this right remains inviolable,” Meng asserted. “The same goes for any young man who might need an escape clause from the obligation of providing support for a child he fathers but does not want.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

NY Times Hires Racist Editorial Writer

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

The New York Times announced it is adding Sarah Jeong to its editorial board. Ms. Jeong is noted for her anti-white animus that has been expressed in tweets like “how much joy I get out of being cruel to old white men,” “white people are marking up the internet with their opinions like dogs pissing on fire hydrants,” and “white people are only fit to live underground like groveling goblins.”

“We hired Sarah Jeong because of the exceptional work she has done,” the Times explained. “She offers a perspective that is both a powerful and timely contribution to the climate of hate that has been sweeping the country since Trump became president.”

Pardoned NY Ex-Cons to Vote in November

Last May, New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo issued an executive order restoring the voting rights of more than 20,000 ex-cons still on parole. Included among the 20,000 were a triple cop-killer, murderers, rapists, and pedophiles banned from being with 1,000 feet of schools. In the two months since the executive order more than 100 of these individuals are back in jail for violating their parole and/or committing new crimes.

Still, Cuomo expressed satisfaction with his action, saying that “the pardons are working as intended. The recidivism rate is too slow to make much of a dent in the Democratic votes that will be cast in November. I doubt that Republicans can find enough votes to offset the 20,000 that our Party will gain.”

Court Nominee Would Deny Children the Right to Be Aborted

Jennifer Allen, CEO of Planned Parenthood Votes Northwest and Hawaii, urged supporters to go all out to oppose the confirmation of Bret Kavanaugh to the US Supreme Court, pointing out that “if Kavanaugh’s vote is the one needed to overturn Roe v. Wade future generations of children will be denied their right to be aborted by their mothers. The amount of suffering that such an outcome would inflict on these children is a cruelty that must be averted.”

Maduro Admits Economy Has Failed

As food and medicine shortages and public service paralysis have wracked Venezuela, President Nicolas Maduro admitted his economic model has failed. The “model” has entailed nationalization of major industrial sectors, the expropriation of hundreds of businesses, and widespread price controls.

The President called upon “my socialist comrades to join with me in devising more effective directives to get the economy moving again. Our country is not the first to face these kinds of problems. When the Soviet Union was trying to build socialism wreckers and saboteurs undermined the plans laid out by the Politburo. It took the strength of Stalin to order the harsh measures required. Many died, but a backward nation was built into a world power through these sacrifices. We need to learn from this model and make the hard choices necessary.”

In related news, Maduro announced he was “seconding” former President Obama’s endorsement of 81 Democrats in primaries preceding the November elections. “I don’t know much about these candidates, but I do know that President Obama has solid progressive values,” he said. “Anyone he likes is good enough for me.”

No Christians Among UK’s Syrian Refugees

Of the more than 1,000 refugees admitted into the United Kingdom from war-torn Syria during the first quarter of 2018 none were Christians. Home Secretary Sajid Javid explained that “for us to admit Christians would merely exacerbate the already existing religious imbalance between the two countries. We already have a surplus of Christians in the UK and a comparative shortage of Muslims. The opposite is the case in Syria.”

Javid acknowledged that “the discrimination, oppression, and murder of Christians in Muslim-run countries is unfortunate. However, we feel we must take a longer range perspective. That perspective is founded on the premise that if we can achieve a greater religious and ethnic balance among all the nations of the world the motive for discrimination, oppression, war, and atrocities will diminish.”

Wage Gains Threaten Democracy

News that American workers pay and benefits are now rising at a faster pace than any time during the Obama years has sparked fear in the Democratic Party. The proclaimed “future” of the Party Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, recent winner of the Democratic congressional primary in Brooklyn, New York, sees this development as “a direct threat to our democracy. The GOP scheme to boost the working class into the ranks of higher income is intended to undermine their support for the Democratic Party.”

“A key to bringing the benefits of socialism to America is the class solidarity among the workers,” Ocasio-Cortez said. “The tax cuts and deregulation foisted on the economy by Trump and the Republicans is meant to break the bonds of solidarity by encouraging workers to pursue the capitalistic goal of self-enrichment through hard work rather than the socialist strategy of seeking a fairer distribution of wealth through political action. We need workers to support socialism with their votes and must take whatever actions are necessary to thwart the effort to convert workers into greedy, money-grubbing capitalists.”

Meanwhile, the Trump plan to convert workers into capitalists is now exploring the idea of indexing capital gains for inflation. Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin observed that “as it currently stands, the tax code penalizes individuals who invest in a home or a retirement account by handing them a tax bill for the impact inflation has on their investments. Phantom gains result in higher tax liability that depletes retirement income and confiscates a portion of the equity of their homes if they sell in order to move to a smaller dwelling.” The New York Times lambasted the Secretary’s remarks as “based on the faulty premise that individuals have a stronger claim on the assets they’ve accumulated than the government does.”

Dems Buy Websites Smearing GOP Senators

At first, the appearance of 27 new web domains with the names of incumbent Republican senators followed by “forsale” was feared to represent more Russian meddling with an upcoming election. Sen. Angus King, (I-Maine) called this “a malicious use of the Internet that is particularly concerning.”

Later, it was discovered that the Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee (DSCC) had set up these accounts. Lauren Passalacqua, communications director at the DSCC, characterized the smear as “a routine campaign practice.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Senator Depressed Over Second Quarter GDP Numbers

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

 The announcement that the U.S. economy grew by 4.1 percent for the recently completed quarter sent Sen. Cory Booker (D-NJ) into a fit of nearly suicidal depression. “If this keeps up it will reverse all the progress achieved by President Obama,” the senator lamented.

During the eight years that Barack Obama was president the GDP averaged an annual growth rate of less than 2 percent and never once reached 3 percent for any of those years—the first time that this has happened during any previous administration since the statistic has been tracked.

Booker attributed the disparate economic growth patterns to “racism and sexism, pure and simple. The same white bigots who refused to invest when a black man was president have come forward to reward the white man who conspired with the Russians to cheat a woman out of her turn to be the nation’s ruler.”

The possibility that differing economic policies could have played a role in the differing outcomes was rejected by the Senator. “A person has to be optimistic about the future in order to invest in businesses that grow the economy,” Booker asserted. “President Obama was a man that everyone I know was supremely optimistic about. The same can’t be said about Trump. Everyone I know hates him and his policies.”

“I think the problem is that the wrong people are being allowed to make investment decisions,” Booker opined. “Trump has undone a lot of the regulations that gave the government the final say on how society’s limited resources were to be used. If we were to examine the details behind the 4.1 percent growth rate we’d find that the wrong products are being produced. So even though unemployment is at historic lows the jobs aren’t contributing to socially desirable outputs. This is not the direction our country should be going.”

The Democrat expressed his confidence that “the upcoming elections will show that voters reject the false prosperity engendered by the Trump Administration. When Democrats regain the majority in Congress we will put a stop to it. We will repeal the tax cuts, reimpose the regulations, and impeach the usurper who tried to impede the fundamental transformation President Obama promised would be his legacy.”

Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass)–a projected rival of Booker’s for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination—said she felt sympathy for his depression, but called his approach to getting the country back on track “timid. We can and need to do more than just undo what Trump has done. There was a time in this country when tax rates exceeded 90% of a person’s income. So, I think there’s a lot more upside to explore on the tax issue. Why should a person who earns a billion dollars be allowed to keep $100 million of it when there are so many poor people who need that money? Even a 99 percent tax rate would still leave that rich person with $10 million, which is far more than he needs to live on. Ultimately, I think we need to move toward a system where the government controls all the money and distributes it based solely on need.”

Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand (D-NY)–yet another potential 2020 Democratic presidential contender—commended “the forward thinking of my colleagues, but the most crucial issue for our Party is the abolition of ICE. Only the total elimination of all barriers to immigration will ensure the future electoral success for Democrats across the nation.”

Clapper Says Security Clearance Essential

While it is a normal business practice for former employees to turn in their keys and lose access to their employers’ confidential communications, former Director of National Intelligence James Clapper says the Trump Administration removing his security clearance would be “a low blow.”

“I was hired by CNN with the expectation that my continued access to the government’s classified information would make my commentary more interesting and credible,” Clapper pointed out. “Stripping my clearance from me is a direct attack on my ability to fully monetize my expertise. It will deter my contacts who are current DNI employees from leaking classified information to me because it is a felony to convey classified information to a person not authorized to receive it. Loss of these leaks would put me in the same disadvantageous position as any other private citizen when it comes to knowing what’s really going on inside the government and would violate the terms of my contract with CNN.”

The Trump Administration would not be the first to cancel former employees’ security clearances. Reviewing whether someone no longer employed by the government ought to retain access to classified information is fairly routine. Former President Obama canceled the security clearances of a number of former Bush Administration employees.

Clapper’s objection is that his prospective loss of his security clearance is “not routine. The fact that I have been attacking Trump on a regular basis makes it look like it’s personal. I view it as my patriotic duty to attack him for his unfitness to serve as president. I am only continuing the effort of the intelligence community to prevent the nation from the harm he is causing to the country. Just because we weren’t able to prevent his election doesn’t relieve us of the obligation to continue the fight. Tying my hands by revoking my security clearance is an unfair tactic that would, by itself, further demonstrates his unfitness for office.”

NBC News reporter Ken Dilanian confirmed Clapper’s assessment of the financial impact that losing his security clearance will have on him saying “the only thread of credibility we have for interviews with these guys is the supposition that they have ‘real intelligence’ backing up what they say. If everyone knows they lost their clearance this thread will have been snipped. So, yeah, their gigs with the cable networks would be endangered if that happened.”

House Minority Whip Steny Hoyer (D-Md) agreed with Clapper’s complaint and characterized the canceling of security clearances as “something a totalitarian regime would do. The work of Clapper, Brennan, and the other former intelligence officials to take down the rogue Trump regime is in the vital interest of the American people. Access to classified materials is their key weapon in this fight. Disarming them in this way is same the kind of thing Hitler and Stalin did to make their enemies helpless to defend themselves.”

Massachusetts Passes NASTY Women Act

Alarmed that the confirmation of a Trump appointee to the US Supreme Court could eventually lead to the overturning of the 1973 Roe v. Wade decision legalizing unrestricted abortions, the Massachusetts Democratic legislature and Republican governor combined to enact the NASTY Women Act (Negating Archaic Statutes Targeting Young Women Act).

Gov. Charlie Baker called it “a great day for our state. By being proactive, Massachusetts will be prepared for the eventuality that the federal policy mandating that abortion is the default position in America will be eliminated. States that wait until Roe v. Wade is reversed could see a gap in which unwanted babies are not terminated because there is no state law in place to ensure that undesirable births don’t occur.”

Anne Fox of Massachusetts Citizens for Life called the legislation “a political stunt. Massachusetts is one of the 15 states which have abortion enshrined in their state Constitutions. Overturning Roe v. Wade will change nothing in this state.”

Rep. Jim Hawkins (D-Attleboro) begged to differ, “that is where Ms. Fox is wrong. We are going to raise a ton of money off of the ‘stunt’–money that will be used to elect more pro-choice Democrats across the state. Combined with Planned Parenthood’s catchy ‘freedom to f**k’ slogan I can see it fueling a ‘blue wave’ nationwide. Considering the havoc wrought on the planet by the excess human population, making sure that abortion remains the policy in as many places as possible is crucial if we hope to save the environment.”

Food Fascism Gains Ground in California

Two San Francisco city officials are pushing an ordinance that would ban businesses from providing in-house cafeterias for their employees. The measure’s co-sponsor, Supervisor Aaron Peskin, argues that “local employers like Airbnb and Twitter are wrongfully denying nearby restaurants the sales they would be entitled to expect if the cafeterias did not exist.”

“It’s really about equality,” Peskin insisted. “Just because you work for a generous employer shouldn’t mean you aren’t forced to go out for lunch like the rest of us.” Of course, the “equality” aspect is tarnished a bit by the measure’s “grandfather” clause authorizing those establishments that already have cafeterias to continue operating them. Competing business would be barred from establishing new cafeterias.

Peskin also has his eye on companies hiring private buses that enable their employees to commute in relative luxury. “The City has its own train and bus services funded by the taxpayers,” Peskin observed. “It is everyone civic duty to ride these. No one should be permitted to skirt this responsibility just because they have access to a more convenient and comfortable alternative.”

Meanwhile, the city of Santa Barbara has passed an ordinance that levies a punishment of up to six months in jail and/or a fine of up to $1,000 for each plastic straw a waiter gives to a restaurant customer. Santa Barbara’s Environmental Services Outreach Coordinator, Bryan Latchford emphasized the “up to” wording of the ordinance. “Enforcement will be on a case-by-case basis,” he explained. “There could be some leniency for first offenders. The harshest penalties would normally be meted out only to the worst violators—like those who have been previously warned or waiters who give customers straws without the customer requesting it. I mean, it’s still illegal even if the customer requests it, but the request might be a mitigating factor—especially if the customer is insistent or aggressive.”

2018 Arizona Primary Recommendations

Preferred and Acceptable Candidates

Governor — Doug Ducey

Attorney General — Mark Brnovich

Secretary of State — Steve Gaynor

State Treasurer — Kimberly Yee

State Superintendent of Instruction — Dr. Bob Branch

Arizona Corporation Commission — Tom Forese, Justin Olson, Rodney Glassman, Jim O’Connor, Eric Sloan

State Mine Inspector — Joe Hart


U.S. Senate — Martha McSally, Dr. Kelli Ward

House of Representatives

District 1 — Wendy Rogers, Steve Smith

District 2 — TBD

District 3 — TBD

District 4 — Paul Gosar

District 5 — Andy Biggs

District 6 — David Schweikert

District 7 —

District 8 — Debbie Lesko

District 9 — Dave Giles

State Senate






D6–Sylvia Allen





D11–Venden Vince Leach

D12–Eddie Farnsworth

D13–Brent Backus, Sine Kerr

D14–David Gowan, Drew John

D15–David Farnsworth


D17–J.D. Mesnard



D20–Paul Boyer

D21–Rick Gray

D22–David Livingston

D23–Ben Toma,








State House

D1–Noel Campbell, David Stringer




D5–Leo Biasucci, Paul Moseley

D6–Walter Blackman, Bob Thorpe

D7–Doyel Shamley

D8–David Cook

D9–Ana Henderson


D11–Mark Finchem

D12–Warren Peterson, Nick Myers

D13–Tim Dunn, Darin Mitchell

D14–Gail Griffin, Becky Nutt

D15–John Allen, Nancy Barto

D16–Lisa Godzich, Stephen Kridler

D17–Nora Ellen, Jeff Weninger

D18–Donald Hawker, Jill Norgaard


D20–Paul Boyer

D21–Tony Rivero

D22–Frank Carroll

D23–John Kavanaugh, Jay Lawrence





D28–Maria Syms



Masked Fascists Attack Jewish Coffee Shop

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

A mob of masked criminals attacked the Asher Caffe & Lounge on 945 S. Boyle Ave. in the Boyle Heights neighborhood of Los Angeles—throwing feces and screaming at patrons and employees of the Jewish-owned business. The grievances of the attackers included a charge that the owner is a Trump supporter and that he is gentrifying the neighborhood against the wishes of its inhabitants.

The group of attackers calls itself “Defend Boyle Heights.” A masked spokesman who refused to give his name defended “our right to decide who can live and do business in our neighborhood. We don’t want Trump supporters here. We don’t want our neighborhood’s character to be polluted by the presence of undesirable outsiders.”

The spokesman justified the wearing of masks, saying that “we have the right to a ‘secret ballot’ without fear of intimidation by cops who enforce the will of the their fascist overlords,” and maintained that “terrorizing customers and throwing shit helps counterbalance the evil influence of those trying to suppress our democratic rights.”

In a show of solidarity, the Boyle Heights Chamber of Commerce expelled the coffee shop owner Asher Shalom from its membership rolls. Chamber president Jennifer Lahoda explained that “Mr. Shalom’s views are not in line with the values and objectives of the Boyle Heights Chamber of Commerce. Boyle Heights thrives because of our diverse immigrant population. The Chamber will always celebrate and support this fact. Mr. Shalom is not an immigrant. He is a white American citizen. This, in itself, offends the majority of those who live here. We cannot let a member of the neighborhood’s minority Jewish population impose its alien values against the wishes of the majority.”

Schumer Forbids Second Summit with Putin

US Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) said he won’t allow anymore meetings between President Trump and Russian President Putin “until I have seen a full transcript of their one-on-one private talks and am satisfied that Trump has not committed treason.”

Even if Schumer’s demand were not an egregious overstepping of his limited authority as Senate Minority Leader, its fulfillment is impeded by the fact that the one-on-one talk was not recorded. Nevertheless, Schumer was adamant that “the American people have a right to know what was said. His public statement expressing doubts about our own intelligence community’s accuracy regarding Russian interference in the 2016 election displayed a breathtaking disloyalty to the brave men and women who are working diligently to save the country from the disastrous outcome of the 2016 election.”

Undaunted by Schumer’s demand, Trump has asked national security adviser John Bolton to work on setting up a second summit with Putin in Washington, DC for this Fall. “I look forward to our second meeting so that we can start implementing some of the many things discussed, including stopping terrorism, security for Israel, and nuclear nonproliferation,” Trump said.

“The list of items to be discussed and the timing of this planned summit are highly suspicious,” the Schumer claimed. “At best, it would only serve to divert voters attention from the very serious allegations against Trump that have not yet been refuted. One the one hand, we have FBI agent Peter Strzok’s text alleging that Trump is an idiot. Should we permit an idiot to deal with such volatile issues like terrorism and nuclear nonproliferation? On the other hand, many in Congress have leveled charges of treason against Trump. Should we permit a person charged with treason to deal with these issues? I think Trump should stand down from all presidential duties until these allegations have been conclusively disproved.”

Schumer’s perspective was shared by former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton who called “Trump’s willingness to consider allowing Putin to ask questions of former ambassador to Russia Michael McFaul is troubling. For a president to not defend a US envoy is a clear case of gross negligence and dereliction of duty.”

Putin wants to ask McFaul about a tax evasion and money laundering scheme that he alleges ended up diverting $400 million to the Clinton presidential campaign. Whether Trump’s failure to immediately reject Putin’s request is worse than President Obama’s and Secretary of State Clinton’s failure to attempt a rescue of America’s Libyan Ambassador Christopher Stevens from the terrorists who ultimately murdered him seems dubious, at best.

As irrational as some of these leading Democratic politicians’ hysteria over the summit may be, others went even further into loony land. CNN host Chris Cuomo characterized the Russian election meddling as “an act of war” and wondered “why aren’t we talking about a retaliatory strike? I mean, if Bush could take us to war in Iraq in pursuit of non-existent weapons of mass destruction, why isn’t anyone in Congress or the Administration working on a ‘shock-and-awe’ plan to teach Putin and his goons a stern lesson?” HuffPo’s Mike Signorile, MarketWatch’s Rex Nutting, Sen. Richard Blumenthal (D-CT), DNC chairman Tom Perez, and Hollywood actor-director Rob Reiner expressed similar sentiments, while Rep. Steve Cohen (D-TN) and CNN analyst Philip Mudd called for a military coup to overthrow President Trump.

Rising Star Dem Predicts Demise of Capitalism

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, upset winner over ten-term Democratic incumbent Joe Crowley in New York’s 14th congressional district, touted her progressive democratic-socialism as “the wave of the future. Capitalism is a fleeting phenomenon. Its fundamentally unfair distribution of wealth will be replaced by a democratic reallocation in the not too distant future.”

“The notion that individuals should be free to exploit their abilities and efforts for personal enrichment without being required to share the benefits with those less able or willing to work as hard is socially unjust,” she argued. “Marx recognized this. That’s why he designed a system calling for a collective aggregation of wealth that would be distributed on the basis of need. The one glitch in his system is that it calls for a dictatorship of the proletariat to decide who will do what work and who will be allocated what compensation. My idea is to replace the dictatorship with a democratic process where the votes of the majority will make these decisions.”

“Under democratic-socialism voters will decide who can open a business, who it will employ, and how its profits will be distributed,” the congressional candidate explained. “That’s why it’s important to erase international borders. There are desperately poor people all over the world. Until we have a world government that can transfer wealth from rich places like the United States to poor places like Latin America we have to allow those who can get here on there own to enter the country without restrictions or harassment by ICE. The upside of open borders is that it will accelerate the transformation to socialism as more immigrants will add their votes to cause of collectivism.”

Dems Propose “Catch-and-Release” Law

Senate Democrats Kamala Harris (Calif), Jeff Merkley (Oregon), and Catherine Cortez Mastohave (Nevada) have introduced a bill that would mandate a nation-wide “catch-and-release” policy for illegal immigrants. Under the bill’s provisions ICE would be required to release all members of families who enter the country illegally on their “own recognizance.” That is, they would be allowed to go free and asked to return for their later court hearing on whether they would be permitted to stay. This policy was the core approach used by the Obama Administration. However, only a tiny percentage of the “catch-and-release” immigrants have ever appeared for their court dates.

“The artificial demarcation known as international borders is a crime against humanity,” Harris contended. “Since the very beginnings of the human race people have been free to migrate in search of a better life. Attempts to impede this right for humans puts them below the status of birds, butterflies, and herds of ungulates who are allowed to cross borders without interference. Our bill merely gives people the same rights that these animals possess.”

Harris brushed aside the observation that none of the Earth’s migrating animals become welfare clients at either end of their travels, calling it “absurd. Wild animals can live off the land. But humans aren’t wild animals. They are social creatures who quite naturally seek social welfare among their own kind. Immigration restrictions that interfere with human migration fail to accommodate human nature. The complaint from those who say they don’t want to take up the burden of supporting those who need support is anti-social. It is their obligation to the collective. The Democratic Party is determined to see that everyone fulfills this obligation.”

High-Tax States Sue Over Trump Tax Cut

New York, Connecticut, Maryland, and New Jersey are suing the federal government claiming that “the tax cut legislation unconstitutionally punishes states who choose to impose high tax rates. By limiting the amount of state and local taxes that can be deducted from income that is taxed at the federal level the legislation impedes our ability to shift some of the tax burden onto other states as has been the custom since federal income tax was implemented in 1916.”

While there is nothing in the original Constitution or in any of the Amendments suggesting that federal taxes must allow deductions for state levies, New York Attorney General Barbara Underwood insisted that “the emanations from the penumbras of the Constitution clear imply that a state’s right to tax its inhabitants cannot be abridged by any federal legislation. The State of New York’s ability to extract the maximum from the incomes of those who reside in the state must remain unconstrained by any external force. The $10,000 per taxpayer per year limit enacted in the Tax Cuts and Jobs Act of 2017 is an unconstitutional constraint.”

“The advocates of this new tax law contend that the limit was included in order to protect the bottom 95%–i.e., lower and middle income families—and that only the wealthiest would end up paying more in federal income levies,” Underwood observed. “This evades the basic issue. Wealthy New Yorkers are the State’s to exploit. If they cannot deduct all of our taxes from their federal liability they may move to lower tax states, or worse, may vote for assemblymen, senators, or governors who will support lower state taxes. Such a political impact represents an unwarranted and unconstitutional interference in the internal affairs of our state.”

Strzok Claims Undermining Trump ‘Patriotic Duty’

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Peter Strzok, the FBI agent at the center of the the agency’s conspiracy to torpedo the Trump presidential campaign and the back-up plan to reverse the election outcome, told members of the joint hearing of the House Judiciary Committee and House Oversight and Government Reform Committees “I wasn’t being biased. I was being patriotic.”

“Anyone who has carefully read my text messages to Lisa Page cannot refute the clear evidence that Trump is an idiot that poses a severe threat to the safety and happiness of the people of America,” Styrzok maintained. “The stream of derogatory commentary I provided to Ms. Page ought to persuade every sane reader that keeping this man from wrecking the world was of utmost importance. My only regret is that my efforts have not yet achieved the desired effect.”

Strzok went on to further defend his actions by citing “the acquiescence of my superiors at the highest level that gave me the courage to embark on this unconventional journey. Director Comey used my replacement of his original ‘gross negligence’ with ‘extraordinarily careless’ to allow Hillary Clinton to be absolved of culpability. My immediate supervisor Andy McCabe presided over numerous anti-Trump strategy meetings attended by Ms. Page and myself. The support of these American patriots assured me that I was doing the right thing.”

These remarks elicited a standing ovation from House Democrats participating in the hearing. Rep. Steve Cohen (Tenn) even went so far as to recommend that Strzok “be awarded the Purple Heart for the insults and badgering heaped upon you by the brain-dead Republicans on these committees. Their ingratitude for your heroism is appalling. What you have faced was worse than any bullets or bombs our soldiers have had to face.”

Obama’s former CIA Director and current MSNBC commentator John Brennan concurred with Cohen’s sentiments and asserted that “the wounds inflicted on Strzok’s reputation by malicious Republicans are more hurtful than any battlefield wounds. Wounded soldiers bask in respect and honor. Even those who don’t survive know that their sacrifice is appreciated. But Mr. Strzok is denied even that as they blacken his name. He doesn’t deserve this.”

Republicans were less impressed. Rep. Louie Gohmert (Tex) pointed out that “at the time Mr. Strzok was supposedly investigating Sec. Clinton’s email violations the Intelligence Community Inspector General (ICIG) told him that 30,000 emails had been sent to an unauthorized foreign recipient. I would think that a patriotic FBI agent would’ve wanted to follow up on such information, but Strzok admits he did nothing.”

“Agents have to prioritize how they use their limited time and resources,” Strzok later explained. “Unbeknownst to the ICIG, President Obama had by that time indicated to us that Trump was the real threat. I wasn’t the only one who ignored the ICIG. DOJ Inspector General Michael Horowitz failed to return four phone calls on the matter. At least I took a meeting with them.”

On a broader and more philosophical note, Strzok warned that “these Congressional probes into the inner workings of the intelligence community threaten the foundations of law and order. To be effective, the covert actions of agencies like the FBI and CIA must remain covert. An agent shouldn’t have to fear that his honest efforts to protect national security will be exposed by political know-nothings. We rigorously screen the people who become agents. We need to trust them to do the right thing without second-guessing the choices they make.”

Shockingly, CNN political director David Chalian called Strzok’s rationalizations “unbelievable. His texts to Lisa Page reveal an extraordinary level of bias and animus toward Trump. This casts a pall of doubt over his ability to carry out an impartial investigation. A man of integrity would’ve recused himself.” Speculation as to whether Chalian will be fired, commit suicide, or suffer an unfortunate fatal accident has inspired Las Vegas to set up a betting line for gamblers to wager on their favorite outcome.

Dems Assail Court Nominee?

Some opponents of Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh have latched onto revelations of his heavy spending on Washington Nationals baseball tickets as “the smoking gun” that will derail his appointment. It appears that Kavanaugh maxed out his credit card purchasing the tickets.

Sen. Bob Casey (D-Penn) called the revelation “very suspicious. Normally, lobbyists provide these kinds of perks to members of government. For Judge Kavanaugh to reach into his own pocket to buy something that others of us obtain gratis from grateful constituents raises a ‘red flag.’ What’s wrong with him that those who routinely pick up these sorts of expenses haven’t included him as a beneficiary?”

Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY) shared Casey’s concerns, calling Kavanaugh’s behavior “extraordinarily odd. It’s almost as if he is intentionally dissing the longstanding customs of those of us who serve in the public sector. What kind of a message would the confirmation of this man send to the American voters? I will use every trick I’ve got to try to stop this nomination.”

Sen. Kamala Harris (D-Calif) was so incensed that she refused to have any contact with Kavanaugh. “I thought his opposition to the right of mothers to terminate their unwanted children was bad, but this baseball fanaticism reveals a sinister pattern that should doom his candidacy,” the Senator said. “What other weird and twisted ideas will he tap into if we give him a lifetime seat on the Supreme Court?”

Former Sen. Al Franken (D-Minn) admitted “I find his extreme devotion to baseball troubling, but not as troubling as his extreme devotion to the original wording of the Constitution. Judges need to be independent of all external constraints, not slaves to an out-dated document. Our Court needs creative minds that can craft the kind of new rights need for the world of tomorrow.”

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi warned that “the confirmation of a person so far outside the mainstream cannot be allowed” and promised “he won’t get my vote no matter what.”

In related news, Democratic National Committee Deputy chair Keith Ellison vowed that if his Party takes control of Congress “impeachment will be on the agenda. We need to remove Trump and undo his crimes. That includes impeaching Supreme Court Justice Neil Gorsuch and Kavanaugh, if the Republicans manage to confirm him before the November elections. It will also include ousting Pence so the Democratic Speaker of the House can take over the presidency and use executive orders to repeal the tax cut Trump and the GOP enacted against the will of the voters.”

Mueller Indicts 12 Russian Spies

Desperate to divert attention from the smirking and demonic Peter Strzok, Special Counsel Robert Mueller sent Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein out to announce a second round of indictments of Russians for interfering with the 2016 election. This follows the February indictment of 13 Russian firms that seems to have fizzled.

The gist of the charges is that 12 Russian cyber spies penetrated Democratic Party computers via a “phishing” scheme and used this access to obtain and publish confidential Party communications that embarrassed the Democrats.

“The scheme was remarkably simple,” Rosenstein said. “An email containing the link hillary-clinton-favorable-rating.xlsx was sent to multiple Democratic National Committee email addresses. When recipients clicked on this link it downloaded malware onto their computers that allowed the spies to read every keystroke from that point forward. A similar email link hillary-clinton-unfavorable-rating.xlsx was sent to the Republican National Committee, but no recipient clicked on the link. Were they smart, in cahoots, or just lucky? I don’t suppose we’ll ever know for sure.”

“While there is evidence that the indicted Russians published information that reflected negatively on the presidential candidacy of Secretary Clinton, there is no evidence that this information was actually read and acted upon by anyone,” Rosenstein added. “There is no evidence that any American, much less anyone connected to the Trump campaign knowingly colluded with any of these Russian agents during the 2016 campaign. Likewise, there is no evidence that anyone didn’t collude with these Russians. The only rational conclusion is that more investigation is called for. Consequently, I am extending the Special Counsel’s mandate for another 12 months and $20 million.”

“I think the Mueller team’s ability to determine that phishers penetrated the DNC computers despite the FBI being denied access to those computers by the DNC is commendable,” the Deputy AG observed. “I’m not sure how this was possible, but I admit I’m not as computer savvy as I’d like to be. Now that this theory is confirmed by the Mueller investigation I think we can absolve Seth Rich of any alleged role in the leaking of DNC data and refute any theories maintaining that he was murdered in retaliation for his alleged leaks.”

“The one inexplicable aspect of this whole matter was President Obama’s instruction to White House cyber security coordinator Michael Daniel to stand down after he first alerted the President to the risk of Russian interference in the 2016 election,” Rosenstein said. “The most charitable interpretation I can conjure up is that he was simply mistaken. I just can’t accept the contention that the stand down order was the fulfillment of his promise to Putin that he would be ‘more flexible’ following his 2012 reelection. That implies a level of duplicity that we all would rather not contemplate.”

Meanwhile, noted Democrat and legal scholar Alan Dershowitz contends that “this latest indictment by Mueller proves that we didn’t need a special counsel. This indictment could have been brought by ordinary prosecutors, ordinary FBI agents. There’s no conflict between the attorney general, the deputy attorney general and Americans — It’s all Russians. Why do we need to spend 20, 30, 40 million dollars for a special counsel to do a routine national security investigation?”

London Mayor Says Trump Wrong to Blame Immigrants for Crime Wave

Mayor Sadiq Khan rebuffed US President Donald Trump’s contention that immigrants from Africa and Asia are responsible for rising levels of violent crime in London and other parts of Europe.

“The fact that rising numbers of immigrants happen to coincide with rising levels of violence doesn’t prove that the immigrants themselves are the ones responsible,” Khan argued. “Let me point out that the levels of violence in the countries of origin of these immigrants are higher than they are in London. This leads me to think that to a certain extent we are moderating their behavior and reducing the global incidence of these crimes.”

“Another factor that I think is in play is the matter of culture shock,” the Mayor continued. “A lot of things that native Londoners do is behavior that immigrants find intolerable. Take, for example, women going out in public unaccompanied and inadequately clothed. Their indecency incites the lust of men who cannot really be blamed for a quite natural urge to have sex with them. When the women inexplicably resist can they not understand that men will enforce their rights to subdue them?”

“And what about the Quran’s directive that all non-Muslims must show submission and pay the jizya?” the Mayor asked. “For non-Muslims to neglect to observe these obligations invites observant Muslims to teach them, by force if necessary. Refraining from force may be the Western way of civilization, but that is a mere preference and cannot be expected to bind Muslims.”

“The more the Mayor says, the more he validates my point,” Trump responded. “Immigrants should be expected to adapt to the customs of the host countries. They should leave the destructive customs of the sh*tholes they are fleeing behind. If they’re not going to do that we shouldn’t let them in.”

In related news, the European Union’s statistics office Eurostat released a report showing that deaths now outnumber births among native born Europeans—a fact that German Chancellor Angela Merkel claims vindicates her immigration policy. “Rather than let Germany wither away due to falling fertility, I had the foresight to import Muslims to fill the vacancy,” she boasted.

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