McCain Stabs Americans in Back

In 2016, conservatives everywhere rallied to defeat the face of the RINO Establishment, John McCain, but we came up short. That failure lives with me every day. With every liberal vote McCain casts, every rotten, backstabbing rebuke of President Trump and the America First agenda, the reminder of what could have been rips my heart out my chest. We should have had an uncompromising conservative who speaks the truth at all times. We could have had a fighter. We could have had a physician, not a typical politician desperately clinging on to power above all.

We could have had someone who would legislate the America First agenda.

We must forget about what could have been and focus on not repeating our huge 2016 mistake.

If you will stand with me, you have my word, I will campaign day and night. I will leave no stone unturned. I will offer my blood sweat and tears to make sure Arizonan’s elect Kelli Ward as our new U.S. Senator in 2018.

We can not afford to elect Mini-McCain, the Sanctuary Senator, Jeff Flake. Please read the letter below and give like you never gave before, so that we never have to regret what could have been. Help me elect Kelli.

Dustin Stockton
Chief Strategist
Ward for Senate

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High Time for Truth among Those on the Deceitful Left

A case of arson has shed light on the inherent dishonesty of the political Left once again. According to a report on left-stream Phoenix TV last night, a young man who formerly frequented an LGBT youth center in Phoenix tried to burn the place down. The center is run by the One in Ten organization, named after a lie that the Left has perpetuated for more than half a century.

In 1948, the pedophile Alfred Kinsey published a book claiming that 10 percent of American men are homosexual. His dubious “research” was not only slanted, but totally inaccurate, because it was based on prison inmates — not the general population. Kinsey and his team of derelicts reported on the sexuality of children which could only have been done by molesting these poor souls.

Truth comes slowly to the Left and the Left-stream media though. Today the University of Indiana is home to the Kinsey Institute, as if the man was an upstanding citizen.

Furthermore, the LGBT and its truth-challenged media friends still perpetuate the 10-percent lie. The Phoenix group, One in Ten, derives its name from this charade. A more accurate name would be One in 50 because only two percent of Americans are homosexual.

Additionally, in 1993 two homosexual activist/scientists — Simon LeVay and Dean Hamer — purported to have proven that a “gay gene” is what causes homosexuality. The Left-stream media went into hyper-drive over this claim. But the lie was soon exposed. Other researchers without an agenda proved the research hollow, and the activist/scientists had to admit they proved nothing. The New York Times hid its correction on page A19. Nevertheless, many in the Left-stream/fake news are still claiming there is truth to this falsehood.

Then again in 2005, more false media hype about the myth of a “gay gene” appeared on the internet. There is a greater likelihood of Bigfoot’s existence than this.

It’s time for these deluded people to accept the truth. Homosexuality is the result of one’s environment. And many self-avowed homosexuals were molested as children or alienated by abusive, disconnected fathers.

The current debate about transgenderism is also about truth vs. deception. If someone is so confused about whether they are male or female, the loving thing is to help them with counseling if they seek it. Which is in their own best interests. If someone has some psychological confusion about gender, it is not loving to encourage them in their confusion. Many men who had their male genitals snipped were later so distraught that they committed suicide. Others, like Walt Heyer, are now dedicated to shedding light on the truth and encouraging others not to make the same mistake they did.

Of course, for a long time we have seen anyone who disagrees with the LGBT activists to be attacked and destroyed. That’s why those lacking in courage — i.e., the Left-stream media — suck up to LGBT activists to try to stay on their good side and to perpetuate their agenda. It’s all about deceit and cowardice by these who want to bury the truth, to the detriment of suffering individuals.

Freedom Caucus Move on Health Insurance Assailed

JohnBy John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

This week the “repeal and replace” health insurance bill crafted by the Republican leadership failed to garner enough support to be put to a vote. Rep. Tom Garret (R-VA), along with other Freedom Caucus members, said he will file a discharge petition that would put a clean repeal of Obamacare up for a House vote.

“This is the same bill both the House and Senate passed that was vetoed by President Obama in 2015,” Garret said. “It would undo the conceit that the government is competent to dictate the health insurance choices every American must make. It will allow everyone the freedom to buy the insurance they want rather than being forced to buy what the government bureaucrats say they should.”

Garret’s bill is expected to face tough sledding due to anticipated opposition from three key GOP senators: Sen. Lisa Murkowski (R-Alaska) and Sen. Shelley Moore Capito (R-WV), both of whom voted for the 2015 bill, and Sen. Susan Collins (R-Maine).

Murkowski acknowledged that her vote for the bill in 2015 “was solely for the purpose of winning my race for reelection in 2016. Voters didn’t like Obamacare. It was that simple.” She called Garret’s action “a betrayal. I was promised that I could vote for repeal because President Obama would veto whatever we passed. Since Trump won’t veto what we pass the deal is off.”

Capito insisted that her 2015 vote “was a ‘show vote’ in compliance with the wishes of the Majority Leader. I was a brand new senator taking my cues from an old hand. In truth, I think the idea that people should be free to buy any old insurance they want is daft. They will use individualistic and selfish motives in making their choices. The genius of Obamacare is that it takes the decision out of the hands of the selfish and puts it into the hands of government experts. I understand that the guy paying $10,000 a year in premiums for coverage that comes with a $5,000 annual deductible will feel he isn’t getting good value for his money. However, the more important question is whether society as a whole isn’t better served by forcing him to subsidize the needs of others.”

Collins concurred with her West Virginia colleague asserting that “the kinds of policies many people would freely choose cover only major catastrophic expenses in the thousands of dollars range. They’d leave themselves vulnerable to having to pay for office visits and prescriptions that might amount to only a few hundred dollars. Granted, they’d still be out-of-pocket for the first $5,000 of these smaller expenses under Obamacare, but amounts in excess of the deductible could be partially reimbursed.”

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ken) called the health insurance standoff “a real dilemma. The compulsory nature of Obamacare has brought a surge of revenue to insurers and health care professionals. Obviously, if people are free to buy or not buy insurance some will not buy. That mean less money for insurers. People without coverage or with ‘bare-bones’ policies are less likely to seek professional medical care as often. Granted, even doctors admit that 90% of people get better without professional intervention, but doctors, nurses, hospitals need the income that the more robustly insured bring their way. What we need is a program that is nominally not Obamacare, yet still retains the muscle to direct a larger share of the nation’s income to the health sector.”

Congresswoman Negotiating Whether to Cooperate with Investigation

Former Democratic National Committee Chair Rep. Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (Fla) is in the midst of deciding whether or not to cooperate with DC police investigating possible violations of national security laws by her former top information technology (IT) aide, Imran Awan. Awan and several of his relatives are accused of abusing access granted by their Democratic Party employers to obtain and sell classified information.

Thus far, Wasserman-Schultz has been refusing to turnover computers used by Awan so police can examine them. She has claimed exemption from law enforcement saying that “according to the Constitution, members of congress are privileged from arrest. I am not some ordinary bumpkin who can be compelled to undergo police investigation. I’m part of the government. I have superior rights.”

The clause she cited may not be as broad an exemption as she imagines, though. The privilege from arrest applies only to attendance at a congressional session and the trip to and from that session. Further, there is no privilege in cases of “treason, felony, and breach of the peace.” Inasmuch as hiring ITs who purloin classified information and sell it might reasonably constitute both treason and felony offenses, Wasserman-Schultz’s obstruction of the investigation into these crimes would not seem to be privileged.

“Regardless of the nuances of the law, the computers are in my possession,” the Congresswoman boasted. “Secretary Clinton was allowed to delete part of her emails and smash all her phones rather than be subjected to the kind of invasion of privacy they’re trying to impose on me. As I see it, if they want to see these devices I need a non-revocable grant of full immunity. Then maybe I’ll turn them over.”

In related news, a new report released by the Treasury Inspector General of Tax Administration found that the IRS destroyed laptops containing critical records—even when those records were requested for use in pending litigation or criminal investigations. IRS Commissioner John Koskinen brushed off the findings as “old news. The expectation that the IRS could or should keep meticulous records is unwarranted. The volume of information is huge. The motivation to do quality work is nonexistent. The temptation to shirk and slack off is irresistible. The tax code is insanely complex. If Congress had any sense they’d repeal the whole damned mess.”

Hillary Says Poll Unfair

This week a Bloomberg poll found that former presidential candidate Hillary Clinton is viewed favorably by 39 percent of poll respondents. This is less than President Donald Trump’s 41%. She is viewed unfavorably by 58 perent. Trump is viewed unfavorably by 55 percent.

The former Secretary of State contended that the poll was an unfair comparison. “Every time I turn on the news it’s all about Trump,” she complained. “That’s a lot of free publicity. Even if most of it is negative, when you consider the sources—CNN, MSNBC, New York Times—it can’t help but boost his ratings. Being repeatedly attacked by media the general public doesn’t trust is driving people over to his side.”

Clinton urged the media to take a more balanced approach to its coverage. “I had a health care plan that failed long before Trump’s did,” she reminded. “I had dealings with the Russians. A lot of people don’t know it, but I helped sell 25% of America’s uranium to them. And that whole ‘reset’ thing was a big fiasco. And I helped craft policies that did more to disrupt world peace than anything Trump has yet conceived. If CNN and the others could start bashing me like they bash Trump I think I could narrow the gap.”

Judge Levies Fine for Exposing Planned Parenthood Crimes

Judge William Orrick levied a fine of $137,000 against David Daleiden and the Center for Medical Progress (CMP) for violating his “gag” order in the case against them related to their undercover investigative report on Planned Parenthood (PP). Dalieden and the CMP produced a number of covertly recorded videos of PP officials engaging in illegal sales of aborted baby parts.

“Mr. Daleiden may imagine himself a journalist going undercover to snare criminals,” Orrick said. “However, he is not a recognized member of any established journalistic outlet—neither TV, radio, print nor electronic. He is, to all intents, just a private citizen invading territory that belongs to outlets like CNN and the Washington Post. There is no constitutional protection for the eavesdropping he and his confederates did.”

California Attorney General Xavier Becerra, who is currently prosecuting Daleiden and others on 15 counts of “felony eavesdropping,” called CMP’s video evidence of crimes committed by PP officials “irrelevant. Even if we were to concede that selling baby parts is illegal, CMP’s videos were obtained through illegal means and are, thus, inadmissible. CMP personnel portrayed themselves as fellow criminals in their interactions with PP personnel to negotiate the sales of baby parts. As such, PP had a reasonable expectation of confidentiality. CMP’s publication of the videos breached the implied criminal compact and unfairly exposed PP to negative publicity. The damages could easily run into the billions. That cannot be allowed to go unpunished.”

The money from Judge Orrick’s $137,000 fine was turned over to the National Abortion Federation as compensation for attorney’s costs incurred in defense of PP, including “an exhaustive search of the Internet for all traces of CMP’s scurrilous videos.”

Mayor Apologizes for Police Shooting

This week Minneapolis police officer Mohamed Noor shot Justine Damond to death. Damond was unarmed and in her pajamas at the time of the slaying. The incident occurred after, Damond made a 911 call reporting a possible rape in progress outside her home. She was killed as she spoke to Noor’s police partner through the open window of the patrol car.

Whether Noor should have been employed as a cop seems more of a triumph of “diversity” than good sense. Those who know him have used words like “extremely nervous,” “jumpy,” and “the least little thing can set him off.” He has gained a reputation for angry outbursts at kids playing in his neighborhood. Police Chief Janee Harteau characterized the shooting as “not in compliance with either the training or the performance expectations we have for our officers.” Harteau was later fired by Mayor Betsy Hodges for these “insensitive remarks denigrating a fellow officer.”

Hodges asked that “we show some compassion for Officer Noor in his time of trouble. Coming from a very violent Somalia where the least hesitation could be fatal, it should not be surprising that he would shoot first and ask questions later. A lot has been made of the fact that a 40-year-old woman clad in pajamas and carrying a cell phone would not normally be considered dangerous. Well, Officer Noor says it was too dark for him to make out any of these details before he fired his weapon. Even if he had seen more, let’s not forget that women do commit some crimes and that cell phones are often the trigger for improvised explosive devices.”

“Neither should it matter that the other officer on the scene didn’t perceive a need to draw his weapon,” Hodges added. “Officer Harrity was raised in this country and has a better grasp of what is going on. For all he knew, though, Officer Noor could have been saving both their lives. That neither officer incurred any injuries is something we may have to thank Officer Noor’s quick reaction for or not. Maybe there never was a real threat.”

In a bid to calm tensions, Hodges issued an immediate apology to the City’s Muslim community to reassure them that “this incomprehensible tragedy will not divert us from our goal of putting more armed Muslims on the streets as members of our police force. Sad as Ms. Damond’s fate may have been, it is essential that we not allow this tragedy to wreak even greater havoc on our quest for an inclusive and diverse city workforce.”

In related news, Sweden’s National Police Commissioner, Dan Eliasson, went on national TV to plead for help as the hordes of Muslim refugees allowed to live in the country have “made it impossible for police alone to uphold the law.” While it is not clear what type of help a mostly disarmed Swedish population might render, official policy recommends that “everyone stay indoors, not engage in any unnecessary travel, and make sure your life and fire insurance is up-to-date.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Study Shows Twitter was Key to Trump Victory

JohnBy John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

A study from the University of Edinburgh analyzed 50 viral election-related tweets over the 68 days preceding last November’s presidential election and concluded that Trump’s campaign had a significant edge. “Two-thirds of the 3,450 viral tweets—which were retweeted about 26 million times—either attacked Clinton (39%) or supported Trump (23%). The other third either supported Clinton (14%) or attacked Trump (19%).”

In Trump’s twitter account 64% of the tweets had a positive message about Trump and 36% had a negative message about Clinton. In Clinton’s twitter account 48% of the tweets had a positive message about Clinton and 52% had a negative message about Trump.

Hillary for President campaign manager Robby Mook said “the study's findings highlight the fundamental

unfairness of allowing uninformed individuals to play such a large role in shaping the election dialog. We’re seeing a continuation of that now as President Trump is bypassing the traditional methods of communicating through the mainstream media and sending out salvos of unfiltered tweets whenever he feels like it.”

“Before the emergence of social media we had major media as the gatekeepers,” Mook reminisced. “They sorted out the worthy from the unworthy content and assured that all voters had the same information from the same sources. We need to get back to that system. Maybe the FCC can somehow regulate what can be tweeted, maybe require a license, maybe assess fines for unlicensed tweeting. In the case of President Trump, Rep. Jim Himes (D-Conn) has introduced a bill requiring at least two televised press briefings per week. The bill has good intent, but doesn’t go as far as it should. I think these press briefings should be the only way the President is permitted to communicate with the general public. That way the viewers could see the media challenge and rebut his lies rather than let them go unfiltered into the smart phones of the general public.”

Seattle Councilman Says Hosing Excrement off Sidewalk “Racist”

Councilman Larry Gossett bristled at a request for funds to clean human excrement from Seattle’s city streets near the Third Street courthouse, calling it “racist. It’s all part of a pattern of disrespect toward the minority community.”

The request for $8,000 to pay for the cleaning came from King County Sheriff John Urquhart who complained that “public defecation is only part of the problem. The homeless denizens of the area have been assaulting and harassing citizens reporting for jury duty. The jurors are asking judges to excuse them because they’re afraid to come to the courthouse.”

Gossett insisted that “putting the discomfort of white jurors who have access to indoor toilets ahead of the rights of the homeless who do not sends the wrong message to our children.” The Councilman vowed to personally participate in a “s— in” if the funds are appropriated, claiming “it’s turning the other cheek as Jesus asked us to do.”

Councilman Ronald Wussman proposed renaming the street to “Turd Street” as a “compromise,” pointing out that “the new name would serve to alert everyone to the hazards without unnecessarily disrupting the habitat or the behavior of those dwelling in it. In a way, the new name might be seen as an acknowledgment of the contributions this segment of society has made to our community.”

In related news, a 70-year- old Swedish woman is facing four years in prison for complaining on Facebook that “immigrants set cars on fire and urinate and defecate in the streets.” Dalarna prosecutor Lars Gütterswill explained that “while technically speaking, her remarks are true, they still constitute incitement to racial hatred.

The fact that she spoke the truth makes it worse since it prevents the aggrieved from credibly calling it a lie.”

Trump Jr. Meeting Proves Collusion

Former chairman for Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign John Podesta declared that the recent disclosure by Donald Trump Jr. that he met with a Russian lawyer hoping to receive information that would damage Hillary Clinton’s chances of being elected “is the final link in the chain of evidence proving that Donald Trump cheated his way into the presidency.”

“I mean, it’s not as if there wasn’t already a mountain of facts clearly establishing an intent to deny Secretary Clinton her rightful place as president,” Podesta contended. “At every turn the Trump campaign sought to portray her in a negative light—her policies were bad, she was corrupt, she was ill—you name it. The great irony is that what will ultimately sink him is that Trump tried to import Russian dirt rather than relying on American-made dirt.”

Podesta dismissed evidence showing Natalia Veselnitskaya’s connections to the Democratic Party and Fusion GPS as “irrelevant. Whether or not she was a covert operative for the Democratic Party isn't important. What is important is that Junior thought he was colluding with the Russian government.” Fusion GPS was the entity responsible for the anonymously-sourced and unverifiable “golden shower” dossier that emerged after Trump won the election.

Whether this latest development will lead to Trump’s impeachment would appear to be an uphill battle given the Republican majorities in both the House and the Senate. Nevertheless, Podesta expressed confidence that “a motion calling for the election to be voided and the presidency restored to its rightful owner will be put before an appropriate venue.” Sources say that “appropriate venue” will be before Hawaii Judge Derrick Watson. Watson has previously blocked Trump Administration bans against travel to the US from six terror-prone Middle Eastern nations.

Impeachment Resolution Introduced in House

Rep. Brad Sherman (D-CA) and Rep. Al Green (D-Tex) are cosponsoring House Resolution 438, a measure aimed at impeaching President Trump.

“When President Trump fired the man who was investigating his presidential campaign for colluding with Russia he obstructed justice,” Sherman argued. “It doesn't matter whether there was collusion or not. It doesn’t matter that the envisioned collusion, per se, is not a crime under the law. Firing FBI Director James Comey, in and of itself, is obstruction regardless of whether the campaign did or didn’t collude because it stopped Comey from continuing his investigation.” Green couched his support in terms of the projected favorable impact on the nation’s health and safety.

“According to a survey conducted by Detox (http://www.detox.net/uncover/what-would- you-give- up-for-alcohol/), 73% of Democrats would give up drinking alcohol for the rest of their lives if Trump is impeached,” Green said. “Each year alcohol causes 90,000 deaths and $250 billion in economic damage. Since impeaching Trump could save lives and money, Republicans should put partisan interests aside and agree to impeach Trump for the good of the nation.”

Abortion a “Tool to End Poverty”

In a recent interview with CTV News, Marie-Claude Bibeau, Canada's Minister of International Development and La Francophonie, called abortion a “tool to end poverty” and labeled the Catholic Church’s objections “illogical and self-serving.”

“Abortions reduce the number of people sharing the world’s resources,” Bibeau pointed out. “Culling the population in this manner means there is a bigger slice of the pie for each survivor. The Church’s opposition would condemn an ever-growing human herd to subsist on shrinking shares of material goods.”

“I try to be tolerant of their religious beliefs, but I can’t acquiesce to their sinister plan to promote overpopulation and its accompanying poverty as a means for increasing the size of their congregations, especially when the suffering that this would inflict can so easily be avoided through a simple and painless medical intervention,” Bibeau asserted.

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Trump Speech Defending ‘Western Values’ Denounced

JohnBy John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

President Trump’s defense of “western values” in his speech in Poland this week was condemned by a pair of left-wing magazines. The New Republic’s Jeet Heer called it “a paean to white grievance.” The Atlantic’s Peter Beinart called it “an outburst of racial and religious paranoia.”

“Mr. Trump’s unapologetic praise of life, liberty and pursuit of happiness puts ‘white values’ ahead of alternative perspectives,” Heer complained. “His pledge of support for the dignity of every human life is a thinly-veiled jab at a woman’s right to abort her unwanted child. His assumption that it is the hope of every soul to live in freedom insults those who place obedience to the collective above selfish individualism.”

As an illustration of how wrong Trump’s views are, Heer contended that “Trump’s aversion to the steady creep of government bureaucracy that he says drains the vitality and wealth of the people completely misses the mark. It is the bureaucracy’s intervention that prevents those who produce wealth from hogging it all for themselves. It is the bureaucracy that ensures a fairer distribution to all regardless of their role in production.”

Beinhart found “Trump’s assumption that the freedom engendered by white philosophers and politicians encourages creativity and innovation is offensive to the artistic output achieved by persons-of-color living under alternative philosophies and politics. His placement of faith and family ahead of government as the center of our lives rejects the gains that secular progressivism have brought to modern life.”

“Worse still is Trump’s selective endorsement of faith,” Beinhart added. “The faith Trump values is the ‘turn-the-other-cheek’ variety espoused by Jesus. Well, what about the faith Mohammed espoused? How can we consider ourselves culturally diverse if we insist on portraying a faithful Muslim fighting for Islam as an unacceptable life style? Isn’t there genuinely held belief that it is their obligation to convert or slay unbelievers just as valid as a belief that we must do unto others as we would wish them to do unto us?”

Lynch Defends Ending Clinton Email Investigation

Obama Administration Attorney General Loretta Lynch clarified her previous denial of communication with the Clinton campaign with a contention that “there was nothing improper about my assurances that I would not allow the probe into Secretary Clinton’s emails to go too far. Should an AG allow any investigation to go too far? I think promising to prevent that investigation from going too far placed reasonable limits that helped avert a situation where Republicans would be able to gain an unfair advantage during the campaign.”

“As a matter of fact, it was FBI Director James Comey who decided not to forward the case to me back in July of 2016,” Lynch pointed out. “While it looked like he laid out considerable grounds for a potential prosecution for a lengthy series of illegal actions on the part of Secretary Clinton, he decided not to recommend prosecution because he saw no intent.”

“Technically, the applicable statutes do not require that we prove intent in order to indict or prosecute someone for illegally using classified information,” Lynch admitted.

“That sailor who took photos of the submarine he served on so he could show his children had no intent to subvert national security but he was sent to jail. Then, too, it seems pretty obvious that Secretary Clinton’s intention was to hide some of her questionable emails from prying eyes. I guess different venues can lead to different application of the same laws. All I can say is that the effect on America from incarcerating one lowly sailor is inconsequential. That would not have been the case with Secretary Clinton. She is a very important person and her fate has major consequences for this country. I think taking that into consideration was what probably drove Director Comey to do what he did.”

Former Supreme Court Justice Criticizes Trump Travel Ban

Former Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens criticized President Donald Trump’s policy temporarily banning travel from six Muslim countries and averred that “if I were still on the Court I would have upheld the lower court decision to veto that policy.”

“I’m not indifferent to the need for national security, but we cannot put that ahead of religious freedom,” Stevens declared. “I do not deny that some of the precepts of Islam encourage adherents to take a hostile stance against non-Muslims, but we should not descend into intolerance of this religious difference just because it makes us uncomfortable, especially when a case can be made that the Christian admonishment to turn-the-other cheek appears to be symbiotically compatible with Islam’s demand that Muslims attack unbelievers.”

“I think European leaders who have urged that we learn to live with terrorism have a better understanding of the need to accommodate diversity,” Stevens mused. “The lives that would be lost to such an accommodation will surely be dwarfed by the number lost due to unmitigated climate change. So, from a practical standpoint, Trump has focused on the lesser threat.”

In related news, actor and open borders advocate George Clooney is moving his family out of the United Kingdom as a safety precaution. It seems that his international human rights attorney wife’s position that terrorists should be prosecuted has spawned a spate of death threats from ISIS. “The ease with which terrorists have launched high-profile attacks in this country and others in Europe presents too great a risk,” Clooney said. “In America we have the right to bear arms and can better defend ourselves.”

Cruz Health Care Compromise Labeled “Hoax”

Given the Republican Party’s inability to reach agreement on what will replace the failing Obamacare program, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Tex) has suggested that insurance companies be permitted to sell insurance plans that are exempted from Obamacare regulations as long as these companies offer at least one plan that is complies with these regulations.

“The same people that were eager to repeatedly vote to repeal Obamacare when Obama was president and sure to veto any repeal are loath to act now that there is a chance to succeed,” Cruz complained. “It looks like those votes were just for show. They gave the appearance of fulfilling a promise to those who elected Republicans. All that the leadership is willing to offer is a warmed-over Obamacare 2.0.”

Sen. Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) slammed Cruz’s proposal as “a hoax. It would put crucial decisions about health care in the hands of a woefully ignorant consumer. The best part of Obamacare is that the crucial decisions regarding coverage are made by government experts. We need to keep that in place.”

Sen. Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky) attributed the failure of Obamacare “to the inability of the insurance industry to make a sufficient profit without bigger subsides from the government. Cruz’s plan sacrifices this objective in order to allow consumers to save money by tailoring plans to meet their own selfish needs. His proviso requiring insurers to offer an Obamacare compliant plan won’t work. Compliant plans are too expensive and the huge deductibles make the coverage nearly useless. Consumers won’t voluntarily choose such plans. To succeed, government must compel consumers to buy compliant plans.”

Avalanche of Leaks Hurting National Security

A report just issued by the Senate Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs Committee reveals that the rate of leaks of classified documents since the start of the Trump Administration is seven times higher than during either of the two prior administrations.

Committee Chairman Sen. Ron Johnson (R-Wisc) called the leaks “extremely concerning. Divulging classified material undermines our nation’s ability to gather and use intelligence data. Federal employees entrusted with classified information are not authorized to decide on their own to leak this information to the media. If they have information they feel they have to impart outside the chain-of-command within the executive branch it is their legal obligation to impart this information to Congress.”

Johnson forwarded the report to the Department of Justice and “left it for Attorney General Jeff Sessions to decide whether any of these leaks warrant criminal prosecution.”

Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) characterized the report and the referral as “part of a pattern of intimidation being carried out by the Republicans. The fact of the matter is that there has never been a greater need for leaks than there is now. The members of the intelligence community are answering to a higher moral authority and shouldn’t be punished for breaking laws that should be broken given the dire straights in which the election of Trump has placed this country.”

CNN’s Chris Cuomo called Johnson’s actions “chilling. Trump is a whole different animal than either Bush or Obama. They understood the need for continuity of policy and governance. Trump has threatened this continuity by proposing to negotiate new and better deals with this nation’s adversaries. Rather than slavishly yield to the temporary ascendancy of a heretical outsider as president these deep-state patriots are doing the dirty work they’ve been trained to do when the wrong person is in charge.”

Former Obama Administration Deputy Attorney General Sally Yates blamed Trump for the leaks, saying that “Trump’s refusal to admit he colluded with Russia to rig the election forced members of the intelligence community to take the law into their own hands. For them to do otherwise would allow the ‘liar-in-chief’ an unimpeded path to run the country the way he sees fit.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Dems Vow to Obstruct Vote Fraud Investigation

JohnBy John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Efforts by the Presidential Advisory Commission on Election Integrity to obtain data that could provide evidence on whether vote fraud has occurred are being blocked by key Democratic officials at the state level. ”

Neither the fact that there have been academic studies indicating that as many as five million or more non-citizens have voted and that there are millions of individuals registered to vote in more than one state and despite some irregularities—including more votes cast than registered voters in some precincts in last November’s election—were viewed as sufficient cause for any investigation by Virginia’s Democratic Governor Terry McAuliffe.

“I cannot abide mucking about in the voter registration database unless someone comes forward with definitive proof that fraud has been committed,” the Governor said. “Mere suspicion is not enough to warrant the intrusion into voters’ privacy that the Commission’s information request would entail. This is just another Republican attempt to suppress the vote.”

California’s Democratic Secretary of State Alex Padilla rejected the Commission’s request for registration data on Fifth Amendment grounds. “Let’s say that some non-citizens did vote or that some voters voted more than once,” Padilla hypothesized. “These would be crimes, as would the actions of state registrars that aided, abetted, or ignored these illegal acts. I am not going to voluntarily participate in a probe that would effectively result in self-incrimination.”

Kris Kobach, the Kansas secretary of state serving as vice chair of the Presidential Advisory Commission on Election Integrity called the non-cooperative responses “disappointing. If there truly has been no vote fraud, as the Democrats contend, our investigation should confirm that. The charge that we are trying to suppress the vote is a ridiculous allegation totally lacking evidence.”

McAuliffe pounced on Kobach’s claim, calling it “illogical. Presumably, the GOP would strive to eliminate duplicate registrations and purge non-citizens from the rolls. Obviously, such actions would reduce the number of ballots cast. So, for them to try to deny that their actions won’t suppress the vote is clearly a lie.”

Iran to Contest Trump Travel Ban

Iran, the world’s top terror sponsor, expressed its “profound disappointment in the US Supreme Court’s decision to allow the Trump Administration to reinstate its ban on travel from Muslim countries to the United States,” and announced its appeal to the World Court at the Hague.

Iranian Foreign Minister Javad Zarif said “our appeal will be founded on the concept of fairness. The United States can project its military power around the world. It has the most weapons and the widest array of means with which to deliver them. Our only viable means of countering this is to infiltrate our warriors into America as refugees, immigrants, and visitors. If the battle for the future of the world is to be a fair one we cannot allow one side to neutralize opposition by such an inequitable policy.”

American Civil Liberties Union spokesman Bertram Petty acknowledged that “Iran’s case is innovative, but not without merit. Iran is a big underdog when matched against US military might. Their long-shot chance at victory hinges on their ability to smuggle jihadis and suicide bombers inside the US borders. If the Trump Administration’s travel ban is allowed to stand Islam’s odds of winning would be greatly diminished—perhaps impossible. I could easily see the World Court vacating the ban in order to produce a more level playing field.”

CIA Director Mike Pompeo called Petty’s speculations “insane. This is not some sporting contest where the winner gets a trophy. It is civilization against vicious murderers. Petty might just as well argue that home security systems unfairly deter or impede criminals from breaking into your home to rob, rape and murder you. The travel ban is a moderate countermeasure aimed at deterring and impeding terrorists who will not shy away from the most barbaric atrocities in their quest to impose their will on the world.”

In related news, Canadian Member of Parliament Iqra Khalid introduced legislation that would outlaw anti-Muslim hate speech. “The conflict between Islam and the unbelievers is unnecessary,” he argued. “The Quran commands all Muslims to respect every member of the faith. If we have laws that mandate that everyone refrain from expressing anti-Muslim views we will be one step closer to that joyful day when all share the same faith and we can all live in peace.”

Planned Parenthood in the News

GOP plans to cut funding to Planned Parenthood inspired some creative rationalizations from a couple of Democrats this week. House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (Calif) charged that Republican efforts to block tax dollars from going to fund abortions at Planned Parenthood “dishonors God. If God didn’t want us to abort unnecessary children why would He have allowed us to develop the technology to safely accomplish this?”

Sen. Cory Booker (NJ) likened himself and his fellow proponents of federal funding for Planned Parenthood to the soldiers who stormed the Normandy beaches in 1944. “We may not have to face the bullets and bombardment from entrenched Nazi hordes, but we are just as brave as those who did,” Booker lamely maintained. “The abortion services provided by Planned Parenthood are a vital front in our battle against a horde of unwanted offspring that would ravage our planet more thoroughly than the Nazis ever could have. They may call us ‘baby murderers,’ but we are ‘planet savers’ who each ought to get a ‘medal of honor’ for our courageous sacrifice on behalf of the future.”

California Attorney General Xavier Becerra is refiling charges against pro-life advocates David Daleiden and Sandra Merritt for their undercover exposé of Planned Parenthood’s illegal trafficking in aborted baby parts. This action came after a judge struck down 14 of 15 earlier charges.

Becerra insisted that “by portraying themselves as prospective participants in a criminal act Daleiden and Merritt unfairly deceived the officials at Planned Parenthood into making incriminating statements. This violated their Fifth Amendment right against self-incrimination. It also unfairly exploited Planned Parenthood’s expectation of confidentiality. Were we to let such a betrayal go unpunished others would be encouraged to similarly infiltrate and expose matters that Planned Parenthood and other organizations working to implement a progressive agenda would rather remain private.”

The California AG cited recent testimony from Minnesota in which Planned Parenthood employees were reported to have promised one anxious prospective late-term abortion client that “if the baby was to come out still alive and active, most likely we would break the baby’s neck” as “further evidence to support my case. Breaking a baby’s neck may seem cruel or indelicate, but it may be necessary to get the job done. Do we really want to go down a road that will cause every abortion practitioner to question whether normal procedures could land them in legal trouble?”

ISIS Jihadis Complain About Job Prospects

Now that the Islamic State is on the verge of defeat, some of those who are fleeing back to the European countries that sheltered them before they left to join the jihad are having difficulties finding jobs. Sweden is now grappling with how to reintegrate these men into society.

Returning jihadi Imak Udih complained, “I apply for a lot of jobs, but I can’t get any. They say that because I killed unbelievers in Syria I can’t be trusted. But I was just following my faith. Persecuting me for that violates my religious freedom.”

Swedish Culture and Democracy Minister Alice Bah Kuhnke has proposed that returning jihadis be given new identities. “A lot of people are going to prejudge these men,” Kuhnke said. “Just because they killed someone in the Middle East doesn’t mean they are going to go on a killing rampage in Sweden. We need a program that gives them a fresh start—new papers, a crime-free biography, a fake work history—so they can reintegrate themselves into Swedish life.”

Udih endorsed Kuhnke’s proposal calling it “a useful interlude in the battle for the world caliphate. Maybe my days on the front line of the struggle are over, but if I can get a decent job and a wife I can help sire the next generation of fighters.”

CNN Blames Trump for Fake News

This past week CNN was forced to fire a trio of its journalists for getting caught fabricating an untrue Trump/Russia collusion story. On top of this, several undercover operations conducted by people working with James O’Keefe revealed that assorted big wheels at the network knew that the whole Trump/Russia collusion story has been bogus from the very beginning.

In one video John Bonifield, CNN supervising producer was recorded saying that “the Russia story is mostly bullshit, but it was good for ratings. Ratings bring in profits. Given a choice between rigidly sticking to the truth and making a buck—well, we’re in business to make money. Truth is expendable.”

In another video, CNN commentator Van Jones assessed the Russia story as “a big nothing burger.” Unable to unsay those words, Jones argued that “what I said is less important than the fact that no one in the media likes O’Keefe. He is not an accepted part of the journalistic establishment. Those of us who are revile him and wish he’d go away. I urge all of those in CNN’s viewing audience to ignore whatever he has to say or show.”

In yet another video, CNN associate producer Jimmy Carr called Trump “f—–g crazy” and labeled voters “stupid as sh*t.”

CNN CEO Jeff Zucker defended his network and insisted that “Trump is the one who is to blame for all this. If he had lost the election like everyone thought he would we wouldn’t have to deal with him right now. But, against all odds he squeaked out a narrow win in the electoral college. Should we just sat by and let him ravage America unchallenged? No! We went the extra mile. Those who are criticizing us forget that FDR used deception to get this country into a war for civilization that had to be won. I think history will thank CNN and others who have risen to the higher morality of opposing the Trump tyranny by whatever means necessary.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Johnson Says DNC Refused DHS Help

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnThis week, former Department of Homeland Security Secretary Jeh Johnson testified before the House Intelligence Committee. Johnson became the latest former Obama Administration official to verify that there is no evidence of collusion between the Trump campaign and the Russians. Perhaps more relevant, however, was his puzzlement at the Democratic National Committee’s refusal of his proffer of assistance in the wake of their computers being hacked.

Considering what was at stake, I would have thought that putting the federal government’s expertise into play to protect the DNC’s confidential communications was a ‘no-brainer,’” Johnson said. “But despite my entreaties and offers from the FBI to do a forensic analysis to try to identify the origins of the hack of their email system, Chairwoman Wasserman-Schultz repulsed our aid.”

Former DNC vice chairwoman Donna Brazile, confirmed that federal officials had been in contact with her regarding hacking. “I talked to the general counsel of the DNC and he assured me that every step along the way we were notified of these issues,” Brazile said. “At no time did we ignore the warning from the FBI or any other federal officials.”

Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz (D-Fla) charged that “Johnson’s implication that I ignored his or the FBI’s warnings is a lie. I didn’t reject their help. From our perspective, even more important than keeping hackers from accessing our confidential files was keeping our covert operation to ensure that Hillary would have a clear path to secure the Party’s presidential nomination from being exposed. I’m proud to say that mission was accomplished.”

Wasserman Schultz lamented that “this extra boost we gave her was wasted by a lackluster campaign that neglected to make a case for voters to choose her over Trump. Now she’s trying to make that hack and me the scapegoat for her whole bogus ‘Trump cheated’ theme. Well, I’m not taking the rap.”

Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-SC) characterized Wasserman-Schultz’s comments as “essentially, an admission of a crime.” Wasserman-Schultz professed herself as “unconcerned” because “Sanders will never file a complaint. Without a victim’s complaint there is no crime to be prosecuted.”

Dems Stunned by Ossoff Loss in Georgia

In an election once widely touted by Democrats as “a referendum on the Trump presidency,” Democrat Jon Ossoff lost to Republican Karen Handel in Georgia’s 6th congressional district race. Ossoff nearly won the race in April’s open primary—garnering twice as many votes as his nearest competitor—but fell short of the 50% +1 vote majority required. Democrats were also buoyed by a five-to-one campaign spending edge and polls showing Ossoff with a comfortable lead (on the Monday before election day, Democratic polling guru Nate Silver gave Ossoff a 70% chance of winning).

Some Democrats blamed Ossoff’s attempt to appeal to moderates as “the fatal flaw in our Party’s strategy,” a masked antifa demonstrator opined. “As our street protests have shown, the way to succeed is to shutdown the other side by any means necessary. We’ve stopped dozens of conservatives from voicing their opinions in public forums. Who knows how many others we’ve deterred from even trying? If Ossoff had walked across the stage at that debate and punched Handel in the face it would have prompted more Democrats to get out and vote.”

Senator Chris Murphy (D-CT) blamed the non-stop talk about Russia for Ossoff’s defeat. “Trump has cleverly manipulated the media meme to focus on a non-existent Russian threat that has diverted everyone’s attention from his cruel domestic policies,” Murphy contended. “Trump has discouraged immigration to the extent that border crossings are down by 70% from last year. He has egged on state governments to enforce work requirements for welfare that have driven millions to take jobs they’d rather not have just to survive. In Maine alone, the GOP governor has pushed policies that have brought the state’s unemployment level to a 32-year low. Our Party’s ability to exploit the negative consequences of Trump’s policies at the ballot box needs to be revived.”

Rep. Filemon Vela (D-Tex) blamed House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, saying that “I think you’d have to be an idiot to think we could win the House with Pelosi at the top. The Party needs a new face if we hope to retake the House in the 2018 election cycle.”

Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz (D-Fla) countered criticism of Pelosi by insisting that “whether Nancy Pelosi inspires voters or not, she is a remarkable strategic legislator who has skillfully obstructed everything President Trump wants to do. It doesn’t matter whether we ever gain the majority in congress. Blocking Trump and the Republicans is crucial to a strategy focused on allowing the courts to enact the laws needed to transform the country into the progressive utopia we all envision for the future. Let’s not forget that it has been the courts that have legalized gay marriage. It has been the courts that have opened what used to be single-sex rest rooms a showers to the transgendered. It is the courts that have blocked Trump’s efforts to close our borders to immigrants and refugees. We mustn’t turn on a person that has done so much to make all of these gains possible.”

FBI Asserts Shootings at GOP Baseball Practice “Random Violence”

At a press briefing this week, Tim Slater, who leads the criminal division of the FBI’s Washington field office, endeavored mightily to portray last week’s assault on dozens of Republicans gathered to practice for a charity baseball game as a “purely spontaneous and random act of violence.”

Slater dismissed the testimony of witnesses who identified the shooter as the same man who moments earlier asked them if the men practicing were Republicans or Democrats as “insufficient to determine intent. Granted, he did go on to fire numerous rounds at these men, but we have no way of knowing whether he would’ve held his fire if he had been told they were Democrats.”

The discovery of a “kill list” comprised solely of the names of Republican congressmen in the gunman’s possession was deemed “inconclusive,” by Slater. “Mr. Hodgkinson could easily have had a similar list of Democrats that we have not yet been able to find. So far as we can tell the list of Republicans we recovered from his weapons locker was just a piece of paper.”

Likewise, Slater averred that “Hodgkinson’s numerous rants against Republicans in social media posts and letters-to-the-editor weren’t seen as especially useful in terms of discerning a motive for his actions. His anger at the way Sen. Bernie Sanders was treated in last year’s primaries could just as easily be taken as a motive for striking out at Democrats like Hillary Clinton or Rep. Wasserman-Schultz. Who’s to say that if he had not been shot by Capitol Police he wouldn’t have gone on to shoot those Democrats?”

Reports that Hodgkinson had previously told family members that he would be heading home later on the same day of the baseball field assault “doesn’t prove that he wouldn’t first have shot some Democrats,” Slater argued. “At the Bureau we require that there be evidence before we leap to any conclusions about the actions and intent of anyone we investigate.”

In related news, gunman Rollin Anthony Owens Jr. kidnapped a family in North Carolina and forced them to shop at a local Target store. After his arrest, Owens told Durham police that “my intent was to implement a ‘bottom up’ stimulation of the economy.” He contrasted his approach with “the Republicans’ failed ‘trickle down’ methods” and said he hoped that “my example of direct action will inspire other Democrats to get off their duffs and try to make a difference before Trump wrecks this country.”

Quake Alert Comes 92 Years Late

This past week the U.S. Geological Survey sent out an email alert warning of a 6.8 magnitude earthquake near Santa Barbara, California. A 6.8 magnitude is considered a “strong” quake and likely to cause moderate to severe damage to poorly constructed buildings. The fact that the alert was for an event that occurred in 1925 caused many to question the timeliness of the USGS warning.

USGS Director Suzette Kimball acknowledged that “while the specific utility of this particular alert was low, we shouldn’t discount the progress our Agency has made in the way of early warnings. The fact that we can send alerts out via email greatly enhances the speed and breadth of the alert. Everyone connected to the Internet can obtain this information much quicker than in the old days.”

Looking on the bright side, the 92-year lag due to the exacting processing and verification procedures we must follow did result in an amazingly accurate estimate of the magnitude of the event,” Kimball boasted. “We avoided the haste that might have resulted in the kind of inaccurate projections that have plagued the National Weather Service, Congressional Budget Office, and Bureau of Economic Analysis. I, for one, would rather be late with the right information than early with the wrong information.”

European Union Threatens Poland, Hungary

The absence of Islamic terror attacks in Poland and Hungary has been attributed to these countries’ refusal to take in an adequate portion of the flood of Muslim refugees that have swarmed into Europe over the last few years. The leaders of Hungary and Poland think this is a good thing. Hungarian Prime Minster Viktor Orban called these migrants “a poison” and said “every single migrant poses a public security and terror risk.” Polish Prime Minister Beata Szydło called the European Union’s policy of allowing mass migration from the Middle East “folly.”

EU Migration Commissioner Dimitris Avramopoulos slammed the governments of both countries “for not bearing their fair share of the grief that accompanies free migration. It is the policy of the European Union that all member states must accept an allocation of this grief as assigned by the Brussels authorities. Failure to do so will force us to impose sanctions.”

Polish Interior Minister Mariusz Blaszczak vowed his country will “choose the lesser danger of enduring EU sanctions over inviting savages to roam among us assaulting our women, attacking gays, and bombing our public places. We have seen the consequences in countries that have welcomed these migrants—rapes in Sweden, murders in London, nightly riots in Paris—and we say ‘no thanks.’”

Former US President Barack Obama said “this latest deterioration of the unity we all worked so hard for during my administration is disheartening. It’s frustrating that there is no court that can overturn Poland and Hungary’s racist anti-immigration policies like the US courts that have thwarted Trump’s similar animus against Muslims in America. I wish I could do more than urge Chancellor Merkel and President Macron to be patient. We’re working to unseat Trump and install a progressive alternative, but it will take time.”

In related news, the last remaining police station in the Järva area (a suburb of Stockholm with a majority Muslim population) is slated to be closed because “it is too dangerous for police.” Stockholm area regional police chief Ulf Johansson said “we can no longer justify putting our officers’ lives in danger. The area is too violent even for armed police to dare venture outside the building.” As for the Swedes still living in the area, he suggested that “as I understand it, they have the option of converting, submitting to Muslim rule, or moving—if they can get out without being killed. They will, of course, have to leave their non-portable property behind.”

McCain Says He Won’t Be Bought

Disclosure this week that George Soros, financier of international leftist agitation, has donated to Arizona Republican Sen. John McCain’s Institute for International Leadership has sparked some of the Senator’s critics to question his judgment.

In a bid to reassure everyone that he can “take money from anyone without compromising my principals,” McCain pointed out that “I have taken millions of dollars from Republican donors without letting them influence my views. In fact, the Institute was initially funded with $9 million in campaign donations that I never spent. The $100,000 Soros gave the Institute is tiny in comparison. So, I think people can be confident that my ability to ignore the wishes of my contributors is one of my stronger traits.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Mueller Expands Staff

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
JohnIn the wake of former FBI Director James Comey’s admission that there is no evidence of collusion between Trump and the Russians to rig last year’s presidential election, independent counsel Robert Mueller has initiated a major expansion of his staff.
“Inasmuch as it is inconceivable that a person as qualified as Secretary Clinton could be beaten by a boorish amateur like Donald Trump in a fair contest, there has to have been some sort of underhanded manipulation involved,” Mueller reasoned. “My good friend James Comey valiantly tried to soldier on before he was improperly dismissed by his obviously guilty target. Clearly, this calls for ramping up the effort to generate actionable charges against an illegitimate usurper.”
Thus far, Mueller has added 13 new attorneys—all with notable ties to the Democratic Party—to his prosecuting team. “One of the things that I think hampered Jim’s effort was his reliance on the politically unvetted staff of career FBI personnel,” Mueller opined. “It’s likely that some of those personnel harbored secret sympathy with Trump and the Republican Party. I can see how that would have impeded the investigation. My recruitment of a staff that has a unified worldview ensures that everyone will be coming at this from the same direction.”
Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) warned Republicans against questioning Mueller’s actions or integrity. “Rather than assail the political affiliations of the most qualified lawyers in the country Republicans ought to be asking themselves why those at the top of the profession are all Democrats,” Schumer advised. “Why should the Independent Counsel have to bypass the best in a vain attempt to simulate a balanced or unbiased image?”
One Republican who is not heeding Schumer’s warning is President Trump who labeled Mueller’s actions “the single greatest WITCH HUNT in American political history” and suggested that Mueller’s long personal relationship with Comey and his connections to the Democratic Party manifest a “conflict of interest.”
The language of the special counsel statute would seem to require Mueller to recuse himself from serving. According to the statute, a person cannot serve as a special counsel if he has “a personal relationship with any person substantially involved in the investigation or prosecution.” Mueller’s long-term personal relationship with the “substantially involved” Comey appears disqualifying.
Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) insisted that “Mueller’s friendship toward Comey shouldn’t be used against him. If anything, it should reinforce our confidence that the two of them could work together in a common cause. Let us not forget that it was Comey’s leak of a memo he wrote that got the ball rolling on the whole special counsel thing. Removing Mueller and bringing in some stranger would jettison the symbiotic benefits of allowing a proven partnership to continue this vital persecution.”
Schiff went on to add that “Trump may think that as president he can control who works for the executive branch, but previous presidents who tried to act on that premise were impeached. In 1868, President Andrew Johnson was impeached for firing a cabinet member without consulting congress. In 1974, President Nixon only escaped impeachment by resigning after he fired special prosecutor Archibald Cox. Trump may think that because there is no evidence of any illegal collusion between his campaign and the Russians that further investigation would be fruitless, but he is wrong. Bush adviser Scooter Libby committed no initial crime, but his inconsistent answers under interrogation obstructed the investigation and sent him to prison.”
In related news, Sen. Patrick Leahy (D-Vt) demanded that Trump desist from using social media while he is under investigation, contending that “his ‘tweets’ are akin to ‘jury-tampering.’ The ‘jury’ in the case of Trump is going to be the US Senate after the House impeaches him. Allowing Trump to attempt to influence Senators by tweeting to their constituents would poison the jury pool. Senators need to be free from outside influences so we can vote to remove him from office without fear of political repercussions.”
Dems Respond to Attempted Massacre of GOP Lawmakers
This week’s rifle assault by former Sanders for President volunteer James Hodgkinson on Republican members of congress practicing for the annual charity baseball game with their Democratic colleagues severely wounded House Majority Whip Steve Scalise (R-La) and injured several others. The assault had apparently been planned after the New York Times published the location of the GOP practice back in April.
Law enforcement authorities profess themselves baffled and unable to conceive of a motive for the attack. Hodgkinson’s Internet post asserting “Trump is a Traitor. Trump Has Destroyed Our Democracy. It’s Time To Destroy Trump & Co.” and the fact that he was a member of “Terminate the Republican Party” Facebook Group was described by Acting FBI Director Andrew McCabe as “too ambiguous and vague to provide much of a clue.”
House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) blamed Republicans “for instigating the cycle of violence when they smeared President Bill Clinton for having sex with a White House intern. That a nation’s ruler would have sexual liaisons with a variety of women is a time-honored tradition extending back to David and Bathsheba. More recently President Kennedy hooked up with many nubile young women. This right of rulers was disrespected by Republicans when they impeached our president for being a normal man.”
“The cycle was reinvigorated when the GOP refused to support President Obama’s transformation of the United States,” Pelosi continued. “At virtually every turn they resisted him—claiming that his programs were unwise or too expensive. Then there was the misogynistic denial of Hillary Clinton’s rightful claim to the presidency. We shouldn’t be surprised that the GOP’s racist, anti-progressive and sexist attitudes have spurred downtrodden individuals like Mr. Hodgkinson, who no doubt was upset by the injustice done to Secretary Clinton, to take desperate measures.”
Malcolm Harris, who writes for The Washington Post called Hodgkinson’s sniper attack “an act of self-defense. As Rep. Pelosi so aptly pointed out, the Republican health care bill will literally kill Americans. So they shouldn’t be surprised if some of their intended victims try to preempt this threat. What saddens me is that Hodgkinson wasn’t a better marksman.”
In Nebraska, Chelsey Gentry-Tipton, chairwoman of the state Democratic Party’s Black Caucus, found the shooting and its aftermath humorous, saying that “watching the congressman crying on live TV about the trauma they experienced—why is this so funny? I’m having a hard time feeling bad for them.”
In related news, right-wing vandals in New York altered a freeway exit sign on Sagtikos Parkway changing it from “Crooked Hill Rd” to “Crooked Hillary.” Governor Andrew Cuomo called the stunt “an ill-timed escalation of the tensions between the Republican Party and the rest of America. Instead of joining with Democrats to enact sensible gun-control they’re taking this latest tragedy as an opportunity to insult a great American. This plumbs new depths of depravity from a segment of the political spectrum that has a sordid history of disrespect for manners and justice.”
Trump Ends Y2K Spending
Though it may come as a shock to many, a government program designed to prepare the nation for the devastation that would be inflicted when the calendar rolled over from a century in which the years began with the number “19” to one in which the years began with the number “20” is still incurring expenditures 17 years after the “crisis” fizzled.
Office of Management and Budget Director Mick Mulvaney declared that “the amount of useless trash that is still being funded way past any reasonably conceived purpose is phenomenal. To begin with, the hysteria attached to the effect that the turn of the century would have on computers was unwarranted. If there was ever any need for any spending on this project in the years leading up to 2000 that need has long since expired.”
J. David Cox, president of the American Federation of Government Employees took a different stance. “The termination of a program with what can only be described as a solid history of success is short-sighted,” he said. “To penalize the employees responsible for this success by eliminating their jobs because they are no longer necessary is both cruel and unusual and, consequently, clearly unconstitutional. Neither the Bush nor the Obama Administration tried to take the nation down this treacherous path of ingratitude. That Trump would do so is yet another affront that should be added to the growing list of crimes and misdemeanors supporting his impeachment.”
Londoners Arrested for Anti-Muslim Internet Posts
London Mayor Sadiq Khan praised the bravery and initiative of City police in their quick response to anti-Muslim commentary following recent terrorist attacks in Manchester and London. “The adherence of Muslims to the tenets of their faith is protected by laws guaranteeing freedom of religion,” he said. “As pointed out by Shaikh Mohammad Tawhidi in Australia earlier this week, it is not a sin for a Muslim to kill a non-believer. It is a sin for a Christian to not turn the other cheek. By the tenets of the two faiths there is no justification for the criticism leveled against Islam by those non-believers who have not yet been killed by Muslims.”
Metropolitan Police Commissioner Cressida Dick seconded the mayor’s comments. “Islamophobia is intolerable,” Dick proclaimed. “Members of the Muslim community should not have to live in fear that their faith will be assailed by the survivors of a religiously justified strike against unbelievers. Our police force stands ever ready and alert to stamp out the anti-Muslim hate crime of slandering those who fight the unbelievers.”
To make sure the message of official intolerance of Islamophobia is received, Dick announced a doubling of patrols near mosques “to deter a repeat of the heinous hate crime perpetrated after the jihadist attack on London Bridge.” The heinous crime: strips of bacon left on automobile windshields. “Being murdered doesn’t imperil a Christian’s hope of salvation,” Dick explained. “Coming in contact with pork condemns a Muslim to damnation. Clearly, this is the greater threat and we must allocate our limited resources accordingly.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News
John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Comey Testifies

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnThis week, former FBI Director James Comey testified before the Senate Intelligence Committee on Thursday. While he confirmed that there is no evidence of any wrongdoing by Trump, he raised the issue of “whether a person so creepy and obnoxious deserves to be president. He is so different in every way from President Obama that I got a queasy feeling just being in the same room with him. I just didn’t know how to react, so I joined the parade of government insiders who have been leaking confidential matters to the media in the hope that someone would rid the nation of this meddlesome interloper.”
“Let me compare and contrast my experience with the previous administration to help make my point,” Comey continued. “When Attorney General Lynch told me that President Obama wanted the FBI to ease up on the Clinton email matter, the directions were clear. When Trump said he hoped that since General Flynn had done nothing illegal that further maligning of his reputation could be dropped, I didn’t know what to do. Was this some sort of code instructing me to have the man ‘whacked?’ I think everyone with experience in government can see how confusing Trump’s behavior is for all of us.”
Under questioning from Sen Rubio (R-Fla), Comey defended his acquiescence to Lynch’s pressure to go easy on Clinton, saying that “compared to how we looked the other way at Holder’s request when hundreds of weapons were delivered to Mexican gangs and subsequently used to murder hundreds of people, it seemed like brushing off Clinton’s unsecure email system and unauthorized deletion of government records was a minor issue.”
After the testimony, Sen. Chris Murphy (D-Conn) contended that “this clearly puts the option of impeachment into play. I mean, how much longer are the Republicans going to sit on their hands given the ammunition this heroic patriot has handed us? Even if there is no evidence of a crime, per se, the impression that there is something that is just not right has to be factored in. We’ve already seen that Trump is out-of-step with the world on climate. Comey has portrayed him as out-of-step with the way things have traditionally been done in government. Is this the kind of person we want as our president for the next three-and-one-half years?”
In related news, Reality Sara Winner, the 25-year-old woman who was recently arrested for illegally leaking classified documents she stole from government files to The Intercept, has been discovered to be a first-class loon. To her earlier FaceBook posts giving a “thumbs up” endorsement to Iran’s “death to America” slogan and her proclamation that “being white is a form of terrorism,” we must now add her belief that she will be acquitted because she is “pretty, white, and cute.” Though, by her reasoning this ought to mark her as a terrorist. On top of this, photos of the woman posted on the Internet appear to contradict her “pretty” and “cute” claims.
Muslim Rapists Go Free in Idaho
Three Muslim youths who orally and anally raped and urinated on a 5-year-old girl got off with probation and no time served. Bizarrely, Janice Kroeger, the Senior Deputy Prosecuting Attorney, called the rapists “the real victims of this tragic turn of events.”
“These three boys are all doing well in school,” Kroeger said. “We shouldn’t discourage this accomplishment by subjecting them to the scarring effects of incarceration. They are already suffering PTSD from their arrest and these judicial proceedings. There’s no need to compound this by putting them in a juvenile detention center.”
Kroeger lashed out at the little girl’s mother for her “incendiary statements designed to spur anger against these boys. The damage to her daughter is already done. That she is having nightmares can’t be undone by harshly treating these boys. She needs to forget about this and get on with her life.”
Concerned that public disclosure of the proceedings and sentence might reflect poorly on the state of justice in Idaho, Judge Thomas Borreson of Idaho’s 5th Judicial District imposed a gag order on the girl’s parents. “In fairness to the defendants, their actions were well within the boundaries of their faith and culture,” Borreson maintained. “I can see how they can’t understand why what they did might be considered wrong in America. Allowing the victim’s mother to take her plea for justice to the public airwaves or newspapers would not serve the government’s goal of promoting cultural tolerance. It would only serve to bolster President Trump’s efforts to impede the flow of immigrants from Islamic countries.”
In related news, Judge Stephen Reinhardt a senior judge on the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals complained that enforcing the nation’s laws on immigration is “humiliating and dehumanizing for judges. Almost to a man, those of us on the Ninth Circuit feel that every person has a right to be wherever he or she wants to be. The laws saying otherwise are an imposition on our ability to enforce this universal human right. We wish the INS would stop bringing the cases that end up in our laps.”
US States, Cities Seek to Enforce Climate Pact Trump Rejected
Four states–California, Connecticut, Washington and Oregon have joined together to form the United States Climate Alliance. The objective is to bypass Trump’s decision and implement the terms of the Paris Accord on climate.
California was the first to take action by ratifying a separate climate pact with China. “We had to pick a side,” Gov. Jerry Brown (D) declared. “Looking at the options we determined that Trump is the greater threat. So we made our own deal with China.” The deal reportedly will increase the importation of “green technologies” manufactured in China. The irony is that Chinese factories are among the world’s worst polluters.
Brown said he is “not concerned” because “most of the Chinese pollutants are heavy metals, noxious chemicals, and soot particles—all of which, I am told by experts, will tend to have a cooling effect on global temperatures. And any health consequences from their emissions are likely to be predominately local in nature.”
In Chicago, Mayor Rahm Emanuel signed an executive order committing the City to abide by the provisions of the Paris Accord that President Trump rejected. “President Trump is wrong,” Emanuel insisted. “The trillions of dollars and millions of American jobs that abiding by this agreement will cost are necessary to reduce the projected 0.3° rise in temperature by the year 2100.” The Mayor said he is “confident that federal welfare programs will adequately offset the impacts of Chicagoans thrown out of work by adherence to my order.”
Whether Emanuel confidence that the feds will buffer his city’s residents from negative economic repercussions is warranted seems dubious. Trump’s proposed budget asks for considerably less in welfare spending compared to the trend of increases from a continuation of the Obama years. White House Deputy Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders emphasized that “the President’s promise was to put Americans back to work. Democrats who hope to buy votes from their welfare clientele shouldn’t count on federal money to subsidize idleness.”
Romney Says Hillary Encouraged Him to Seek SOS Job
Former Republican presidential candidate and Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney says former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton “encouraged me to actively seek her old job. ‘Don’t let your differences with Trump scare you off,’ she told me. ‘I had differences with Obama, but I put those aside to take the job.’”
“She was very sympathetic to the fact that I had spent tens of millions of dollars of my own money running against Obama for the presidency,” Romney recalled her saying. “’You can get that back and more just like I did. When you’re Secretary of State you have say-so over a lot of things businesses and foreign governments want. You could just make decisions based on merit, but you could also ask for some kind of payback. I’m not saying you should do something you wouldn’t otherwise do, but why do it for free?’”
“Unfortunately, President Trump went in another direction,” Romney lamented. “Now, we’ll never know what great things I might have been able to accomplish.”
In related news, Clinton also advised that “the best way I know of to counter terrorism would be for Americans to gain a better understanding of Muslim culture. The first step in that process is to try their food. It is so flavorful that once you’ve tried it your fears melt away and a true bond of understanding and merger of interests becomes possible.”
Drop in Food Aid Applications Called “Horrific”
The Alabama Department of Human Resources reports that since reinstating the work requirement for able-bodied recipients in 13 counties, the number of people requesting aid from the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP) has declined by 85%.
The steep decline in program participation was decried as “horrific” by House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif). “The idea that any level of government would be permitted to resort to such an extortionate scheme is as clear a demonstration of the local government tyranny inspired by the illegitimate Bush Administration. Forcing a person to choose between two evils—work or starve—is not the America I know and love.”
“In fact, this is the kind of thing they do in Russia,” Pelosi contended. “That it would appear here in America at this time is, in my mind, yet further evidence of Russia’s undue influence since they rigged the November election against Secretary Clinton. I think we need to add this to the list of charges we draw up in response to the Comey testimony.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News
John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Pullout from Paris Climate Accord Widely Denounced

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnThis week, President Trump announced that the United States is pulling out of the Paris Climate Accord. The move was widely denounced.

Former President Barack Obama, who unilaterally committed the US to the accord without seeking the consent of the US Senate, denounced Trump’s action as “a betrayal of the future” and called for state and local governments to ignore Trump’s stance and “independently implement the agreement.”

California Governor Jerry Brown (D) followed Obama’s advice and announced that “California will sign a separate climate treaty with China. I cannot remain passive and allow an insane and deviate President Trump to undermine the commitments made on behalf of the world by President Obama.”

In step with the incivility that has marked much of the opposition to to the Trump Administration, the German newspaper Berliner Kurier ran a story with the headline “Earth to Trump: F*** You!”

The governments of Germany, France and Italy flatly rejected Trump’s suggestion that the Accord be renegotiated to better balance the obligations imposed on the participants. “Let me say to the Americans what they said to Germany so many years ago: ‘we will accept nothing less than unconditional surrender,’”Chancellor Angela Merkel declared. “The European powers are united on this matter and will not hold back in our efforts to accomplish this goal.”

The first blow in the “European powers” campaign to force the US to yield will be shining green lights on public landmarks like the Eiffel Tower and Empire State Building. Both New York City Mayor Bill DeBlasio and New York Governor Andrew Cuomo professed “our solidarity with our European allies in opposing Trump’s crimes against humanity. We look forward to the day when he and his henchmen can be put on trial and hanged like the crypto-Nazis they are.”

France’s President Emmanuel Macron promised that “France will open its borders so that Americans seeking to escape from Trump’s tyranny can find refuge in our country. I call for all scientists and responsible citizens of America to join the resistance if they can. And if they can’t, flee and we will help them organize a ‘Free American’ army that can take back their country.”

The antagonism for Trump was undiminished by National Security Agency whistle blower Edward Snowden’s assertion that “I have documents showing that the CIA invented ‘Global Warming’ to both scare people, and divert their attention from other human-made dangers.”

Global warming hoax profiteer and former US Vice-President Al Gore dismissed Snowden’s claim as “irrelevant. How the idea originated isn’t as important as the fact that it is now the universal consensus of those who control the levers of power around the world. No one can stand against us, especially someone with such a puny core of support as Donald Trump. He will be taken out one way or another, as Kathy Griffin so artfully predicted just a few days ago.”

In related news, the desiccated comedian Kathy Griffin, who posed for a photo with a simulated severed head of President Trump, has hired celebrity lawyer Lisa Bloom to protect her from the Trump family harassment she claims “is ruining my career and peace of mind. Can’t they take a joke? I never had any negative feedback for my humor from the previous administration.” A Trump tweet asked “Why would she? As obnoxious as her ass-kissing of Obama was, I’m sure he loved it.”

New Cache of Clinton Emails Released

This week, Judicial Watch released a cache of over 2,000 of then Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s emails. The documents confirm that classified information was being illegally shared with persons lacking the security clearance to receive them.

In a bizarre twist, Clinton attempted to characterize this as “evidence of the massive Russian conspiracy to deny me my right to be president. If you will notice, one of the emails alleges that my trusted aide Huma ‘hooked up people from the Russian American Foundation with the right people at the State Department.’ Since this email dates from 2010 it proves that Trump and the Russians engaged in a long-term plot against me and that Donald Trump is not legally our president.”

An additional email reference to a mysterious US-Russia Cultural Sub-Working Group shows that Russian naval forces were deployed to smuggle in the 1,000 robots who fabricated all the incriminating emails later published by Wikileaks,” Clinton contended. “Surely, this is this smoking gun that Congress is looking for in the quest to oust the usurper and award the presidency to me.”

Judicial Watch President Tom Fitton had a different take on the email contents: “The casual violation of laws concerning classified material and noxious influence peddling show the Clinton State Department was ‘corruption central’ in the Obama administration. No wonder Clinton’s allies in the State and Justice Departments have been slow-walking and hiding these emails.”

In related news, former Democratic National Committee Chair, Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz (Fla) blamed Congress for not stopping her from committing a series of network security violations while she headed the DNC. “The multiple offenses would have been far fewer if someone had stepped in early to prevent me from breaking the law,” she rationalized. “I mean, if what I did was really so bad, wasn’t it someone’s responsibility to intercede before I went too far? Why should all the blame be put on me?”

Senator Says Knowingly Infecting Someone with HIV Shouldn’t Be Felony

California State Senator Scott Wiener (D-San Francisco) has drafted legislation that would downgrade knowingly exposing someone else to HIV or AIDS from a felony to a misdemeanor.

Weiner called the current law “unfair. It discriminates against gays who must engage in anal sex because they were born without the vaginas, which are exclusively provided to women. Requiring a gay man to disclose he has HIV effectively shuts down his sex life. Threatening him with a felony conviction is too steep a penalty given that advances in HIV therapies have greatly extended survival time for those infected.”

The Senator also angrily demanded that GOP opponents of his bill “butt out. They’re not gay. Their voters aren’t gay. They don’t have any skin in the game. Why should they have a say in whether the law is changed?”

Sen. Jeff Stone (R-Murrieta) disagreed, saying “it’s not a gay issue. It’s a public health issue. By lessening the penalty for infecting another person this bill would increase the risk to the gay community Sen. Weiner wants to free from discriminatory treatment under the law. The current law seeks to deter those with HIV from having unprotected sex with an unsuspecting victim, just like our DUI laws seek to deter impaired drivers from killing unsuspecting victims in traffic crashes.”

Sen. Richard Pan (D-Sacramento), a physician, voted for Weiner’s bill arguing that “imprisoning those who infect others will just throw them into an environment where anal sex is rampant. The impact on the prison population is proportionately larger than the impact on the general population outside of prison will be if we simply let violators off with a nominal fine, as this reform legislation would do.”

In related news, the city of East Lansing has barred Steve Tennes and his family from selling their organic produce at the local farmers market because the family doesn’t support gay marriage. Tennes is mystified by the City’s action. “I don’t ask the sexual orientation of my customers,” he pointed out. “Gay or straight, if they want to buy, I want to sell.” Democratic Mayor Mark Meadows rejected Tennes’ “noncompliance with City policy. Approval of gay marriage is a crucial part of who we are and who everyone in town needs to be. It is Mr Tennes obligation to know the sexual orientation of his customers. Blandly offering to sell, no questions asked, won’t get him out of meeting this obligation if he hopes to do business here.”

ACLU Opposes Criminalizing Female Genital Mutilation

The American Civil Liberties Union has taken a stand in opposition to a proposed Maine law that would make it illegal for parents to mutilate the genitals of their daughters.

This bill unfairly targets Muslims for carrying out traditions of their faith,” charged ACLU spokesman Oamshri Amarasingham. “Jews are allowed to mutilate their sons. Why shouldn’t Muslims be permitted to mutilate their daughters?”

Sponsor of the bill Rep. Heather Sirocki (R-Scarborough) disputed the comparability argument. “Circumcising males only removes a portion of the penis’ foreskin,” she pointed out. “It does not destroy the possibility of sexual performance or satisfaction that the removal of the clitoris does. The female mutilation targeted in my bill would bar this barbaric practice for anyone who is not a consenting adult.”

Amarasingham countered that “this ‘barbaric practice’ is protected under the Constitution’s freedom of religion clause. As much as some might object, the state has no authority to intervene. The advocates for humane treatment of little girls have no more right to intervene than the opponents of abortion have to stop a mother from terminating her unwanted baby. Cultural norms are changing. I believe the day is not far off when a Muslim majority will reshape our laws to respect their way of life.”

Times Editor Rejects Concept of Thoughtful Disagreement

This week, Pulitzer award-winning New York Times executive editor Dean Baquet told a gaggle of leftist loons that “we don’t need to subject ourselves to the erroneous views of our antagonists. The concept that liberal society has room for thoughtful disagreements is out-of-step with the modern progressive way of thinking.”

Its long past the time when progressives had to put up with the rantings of the right as a sop to supposed civilized behavior,” Baquet said. “The need for us to pretend to be tolerant of our enemies no longer exists. Why should we listen to ideas that have been discredited? Why shouldn’t we be smashing the faces and cracking the skulls of those who assert that individual freedom to deviate from the path of social justice is an inalienable right? The struggle against bourgeois reactionaries can’t afford to be squeamish. They want us to have a discussion? Okay, as long as we can kick the crap out of them while they talk.”

Baquet hastened to remind his audience that he was “of course, speaking hypothetically. I’m a journalist and these are just my objective observations on the current state of affairs under the Trump tyranny. And even though I sympathize with those fighting against this tyranny, I would never officially take a position one way or another as to who is right and who is wrong.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News
John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.
Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.