Comey Says IG Report Exonerates Him

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

After a thorough reading of the summary section of the Department of Justice Inspector General’s Report, former FBI Director James Comey announced that “it clears me of all potential charges. I respect the DOJ IG office, which is why I urged them to do this review.”

“I think with the passage of time historians and the general public will gain an appreciation for the unprecedented situation the FBI had to face,” Comey added. “On the one hand, we had a presidential candidate who played fast-and-loose with a number of federal rules and regulations presenting us in the FBI with a daunting conundrum. On the other hand, the most dangerous person to ever seek the presidency was contesting her right to take her turn as president. The pressure on me was extraordinary.”

“I did the best I could to try to remedy the dilemma,” Comey continued. “My artful characterization of the violations committed by Secretary Clinton removed the risk that her campaign would be derailed by a criminal indictment. I thought the insertion of informants into the Trump campaign and stepped up surveillance would be sufficient to ensure his defeat. All the polls showed that he would be defeated. But there were more deplorable voters than anyone imagined and they were located in enough strategic states for Trump to win.”

“Even after the shocking election outcome I didn’t give up,” Comey boasted. “My leak of classified info to the media opened the door for the appointment of a Special Counsel to carry on the fight. I was pleased to see that my good friend Robert Mueller was named to the job. He’s one bad hombre and totally dedicated to the FBI. One time he let four innocent men spend more than a decade in jail just to protect the identity of an important FBI informant. I’m confident he’ll do whatever it takes to undo the election of the usurper.”

DOJ IG Report Confirms FBI Crimes

The long awaited Department of Justice Inspector General’s report was released this week. The content of the report revealed FBI actions that cast a dark stain on the Agency’s reputation. The primary focus of the report was the original investigation into former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s unauthorized use of a non-secure personal email system to conduct official government business. While that investigation uncovered numerous violations of federal laws and regulations—including transmitting classified material, deleting government records, destroying subpoenaed evidence, and lying to the FBI—the then FBI Director, James Comey, declined to forward the case for possible prosecution because “tainting the reputation of the person who was going to be our next president would have done irreparable damage to the country.”

The IG Report included a number of text messages from FBI agents to each other denigrating Trump and his supporters as “ignorant low-lifes” and vowing to prevent these people from “overthrowing our government.” Not only did FBI agents voice political opinions opposed to the election of Trump, they were also engaged in a covert operation to sabotage his candidacy by infiltrating spies into his campaign and using a bogus “dossier” to dupe the FISA Court into okaying an unprecedented surveillance of a presidential candidate during an election. Nevertheless, the IG declared “there was no evidence that bias influenced the FBI’s actions.”

IG Michael Horowitz explained that “considering that the Agency could have simply assassinated Mr. Trump, yet neglected to take that option showed a degree of restraint that contradicted the verbal animosity displayed in the text messages. I think the ineffectiveness of the strategies they did take to try to prevent Trump’s election pushes their meddling into the ‘no harm, no foul’ category. The real damage done to the FBI’s reputation stems from the extensive trail of communications detailing the scheme. That’s why we’ve recommended that all DOJ personnel go through more intensive training to learn how to better conceal their biases when writing texts and emails.”

Current FBI Director Christopher Wray accepted the recommendation for bias training, but hastened to point out that “the FBI’s unprofessional behavior over the past two years has come at a time of unusual stress. Yes, Comey and McCabe lied under oath. Yes, Rosenstein signed off on the surveillance initiated via the unverified dossier. Technically, what they did is not strictly legal and falls outside of normal Agency procedures. But as my guys told Congressman Gowdy last week, it was the proper thing to do, it was what the American people would’ve wanted the FBI to do if they had access to the same information we did. Not only do the American people owe these men a debt of gratitude, they also owe them the benefit of the doubt for any missteps they may have made along the way.”

The IG Report also indicated that there were 300 documented instances of illegal leaks by FBI personnel. In a number of these instances the leakers received bribes from favored media outlets in exchange for the leaked information. Wray asserted that “the implication that vital confidential information was sold to the highest bidders wasn’t always the case. Many of these leaks were aimed at inducing the media to report false or misleading stories. This is a standard FBI practice to help throw enemies off the trail of truly vital and confidential information. Accepting a bribe helps convince the leak recipients that the leaked material is genuine.”

Meanwhile, Clinton denounced Comey’s hypocrisy after learning from the IG Report that he also had an unauthorized private email system that he used for some FBI communications. “The double-standards of this man are truly disgusting,” she fumed. “That he would publicly ding me as ‘extraordinarily careless’ for doing the same thing he was doing was so unfair. I suppose he will claim that he didn’t intend to break the law. How credible is that? He’s been a US Attorney for Christ’s sake. Shouldn’t he be held to a higher standard?”

In related news, it turns out that Clinton’s destruction of documentary evidence may have been part of a wider pattern during the Obama Administration. National Archives librarian David Ferriero recently discovered that tens of thousands of government records are missing. Ferriero named former President Obama, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, former Attorney General Lynch and several EPA officials as the most frequent offenders.

Mueller Seeks to Withhold Evidence

One of the basic foundations of justice is that the accused has the right to see the evidence against him. One of the subterfuges of Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation into Russian interference in the 2016 election was his indictment of 13 foreign entities reputed to have used the Internet to inject anti-Clinton memes into the campaign. Lawyers for one of these entities showed up to answer the indictment and demanded to see the evidence against their client.

Initially, Mueller pleaded for more time. The presiding judge denied an extension under the grounds that “an indictment surely wouldn’t be filed without some evidence against the defendant who is entitled to see what crime he is being accused of commiting.” Mueller now claims that revealing the evidence “poses a serious risk to national security.”

“The norms arising from the Bill of Rights need to be balanced against the more important objective of protecting the United States from hostile foreign actors,” Mueller said. “This is especially the case when the accused is not an American citizen. The leverage we hold over all the defendants in these 13 indictments would be undermined if we are forced to show our evidence before we have their signed confessions. The matter of guilt is not an issue. The defendants know better than we do what they did. The sooner they admit their crimes, the sooner we can resolve this case.”

In his argument for withholding evidence, Mueller pointed out that “in Russia untold numbers of defendants have been convicted, imprisoned, or even executed using secret evidence. Since the defendants I have indicted are based in Russia I see no reason why that country’s standards should not be applied to them in my case.”

Foreigners meddling in another country’s elections is not a rare phenomenon. The CIA has meddled in more than 80 foreign elections since the end of World War II. In the March 2015 Israeli election President Obama sent $350,000 of US taxpayers’ money to groups opposing Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. Since the meddling Mueller is alleging here involved Internet posts that could, and likely were, initiated from outside the US, the practicality of attempting to prosecute the “meddlers” seems dubious. Likewise, distinguishing between meddling and protected freedom of speech (which also applies to non-citizens) might be impossible.

Celebs Assail Trump

This week actor Robert De Niro wowed the audience at the annual Tony Awards with what many are characterizing as “the most powerful, elegant, and irrefutable argument against the Trump agenda ever uttered by anyone.” De Niro’s brief message consisted of two simple words: “F*ck Trump.” The audience gave him a standing ovation.

Tom Perez, Chairman of the Democratic National Committee called De Niro’s statement “simple, but remarkably brilliant. I don’t know why no one else thought of it before now. If we had used this insight back in the 2016 campaign the horrible outcome could’ve been averted. All is not lost, though. If we can work this thought into our 2018 election message I believe we can take back the majority in Congress.”

Meanwhile, fellow celebrity genius Alec Baldwin predicted he will defeat Trump in the 2020 presidential race. “Everyone tells me my impression of Trump is spot on,” Baldwin bragged. “Given a choice between a TV reality show Trump and a Trump portrayed by a highly skilled actor like myself I’m confident that most of the boobs that voted for Trump in 2016 will switch to vote for me in 2020.”

Unfortunately for Baldwin, former President Barack Obama neglected to include him in the roster of contenders for the 2020 Democratic nomination. “The flaw in Alec’s logic is that by the time 2020 rolls around the whole country will be so sick of Trump that even his impersonators will be persona au gratin to the average voter,” Obama said. “The Party needs a fresh face with new ideas. Of the nine potential nominees I’ve examined so far, the one that stands out is Sen. Warren. Her ‘eat the rich’ proposal evinces the kind of revolutionary zeal required to carry on the transformation I envision for America.”

Dems May Try to Acquire Nukes

Saying she was impressed with “Kim’s ability to wrap Trump around his finger,” House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi attributed it to “having a nuclear bomb in his pocket,” and vowed that the Democratic Party will “seek ways of acquiring one or more similar devices to give us more punch in our negotiations with the President.”

Characterizing the recent Singapore summit between Kim and Trump as “as horrible a ‘deal’ as one could imagine,” Pelosi ticked-off the highlights of what she insisted was “a net loss for America and the world. First, Trump shook Kim’s hand. This show of manners to a brutal dictator was totally uncalled for. Second, the US and Korean flags were standing side-by-side—implying a repulsive equality that no previous president would ever have tolerated. Third, Trump discontinued US and South Korean military maneuvers for the time being. Fourth, Trump promised to assist North Korea improve its economy in exchange for denuclearization.”

The Minority Leader expressed pessimism over the ultimate results of Trump’s negotiation with Kim contending that “its deviation from the bribery policy that has worked so well since the 1990s is a serious error that could prove costly. Nonetheless, though America may suffer from Trump’s blunder it has opened our eyes to the best way for dealing with Trump. We have some contacts with Uranium One and may be able to work out an arrangement with Iran—another ally cultivated by President Obama—to develop ore into a viable weapon for us to use against Trump going forward.”

Pelosi wasn’t the only one to find fault with Trump’s summit behavior. CNN’s Jim Acosta was so upset over being excluded from the one-on-one meeting between Trump and Kim that he had a fit in which he maniacally screeched and threw his own feces at the two leaders. Acosta later told his network colleagues “if they’re not going to let me in the f*cking meeting I had to do something to show them how I felt about that.” Press Secretary Sarah Sanders said “we’d pull his credentials if seeing him make a fool of himself weren’t so funny.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.


Dems Object to Financial Oversight of Special Counsel

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

This week, by a vote of 207-201, the US House of Representatives approved a measure requiring a semi-annual audit of how Special Counsel Robert Mueller is spending the taxpayers’ money. Thus far, Mueller’s investigation of possible collusion between Russia and the Trump campaign has admitted running through nearly $17 million in total, but no itemization has been provided.

Sponsor of the measure, Rep. Mark Meadows (R-NC), defended it, saying that “a special counsel’s work is important, but they should not be able to spend taxpayer dollars without accountability. Americans need to know where their money is going.”

Rep. Tim Ryan (D-Ohio), ranking member of the House appropriations subcommittee characterized the measure as “an attempt to obstruct justice. There may be good reasons for keeping the particulars of the Special Counsel’s spending secret. Whatever progress has been made in the whole FBI investigation has depended upon covert operations to insert informants into the Trump campaign, to obtain FISA Court approval to intercept Trump’s communications, and to aggressively deploy redactions of federal documents specifically to block congressional interference. The GOP’s audit scheme could unravel two years of painstaking efforts by the intelligence community to try to protect our government from falling into the wrong hands.”

In related news, the onset of the FBI scheme to spy on the Trump campaign in now revealed to have occurred in December of 2015. A text message sent by counterintelligence agent Peter Strzok to then FBI lawyer Lisa Page, mentioned “oconus lures,” which is FBI lingo for overseas spies used to disrupt a targeted operation. In the months following this text the FBI sent Joseph Mifsud into the outer fringe of Trump campaign associates where he was able to plant the claim that Russia had Hillary’s missing emails into the mind of George Papadopoulos. Papadopoulos’ later boast about these emails to the Australian “ambassador” to the UK was then used to help persuade the FISA Court to authorize the FBI to spy on Trump.

Bill Would Require All Guns to Be Licensed by Feds

Illinois Democrats Rep. Bobby Rush and Sen. Tammy Duckworth have introduced a bill that would make it a crime for anyone to own a gun without a federally issued license. The bill is based on the Illinois Firearm Owners Identification card program, which Rush claims “has worked for more than 50 years to prevent gun violence in my state.”

While the touted “success” of the Illinois program seems to be regularly contradicted by the gun fatality statistics in the state’s largest city, Duckworth asserts that we should “imagine how much worse things would’ve been in Chicago without the gun owners ID program” and that we should “imagine how much more effective it could’ve been had it been nationwide rather than confined to a single state.”

Both Rush and Duckworth call their bill a compromise. “In an ideal world there would be no private ownership of guns,” Rush contended. “We would be a lot closer to that ideal if this country hadn’t taken a tragic wrong turn defying the government’s efforts to confiscate private weapons in 1775. The paperwork following an eight-year war embedded an anti-social individualism into our Constitution that has impeded progress toward the more civilized society that Europe has enjoyed in the absence of widespread gun ownership in the 200+ years since we took that wrong turn.”

Key GOP Leaders Say FBI Spying on Trump “Proper”

After a lengthy meeting in which representatives of the FBI met with Chairman of the House Oversight Committee Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-SC) and Senate Intelligence Chairman Richard Burr (R-NC) and explained why they had to infiltrate and spy on the Trump campaign, both congressmen agreed “it was the proper thing to do.”

Before I came to congress I was a prosecutor in South Carolina,” Gowdy said. “There were numerous instances where I worked with the FBI to bring down dangerous criminals. That built a bond of trust that I could rely on in the pursuit of justice. When they told me that they were suspicious of Trump’s connections to Russia and that a covert sting operation was warranted I took them at their word—as I had so many times before.”

The subsequent lack of evidence for the FBI’s suspicions doesn’t prove that those suspicions weren’t sincere,” Gowdy added. “In hindsight, I suppose we can all breathe a sigh of relief that the suspicions turned out to be unwarranted, but the Agency had to act without the benefit of hindsight to protect this country from a potential external threat. Fortunately, the mucking around they did during the campaign didn’t affect the outcome of the election. I think we let bygones be bygones rather than further tarnish the sterling reputation of this great law-enforcement agency.”

Burr concurred with Gowdy’s assessment and endeavored to address the perception of bias. “Some of my Republican colleagues are upset that Trump was singled out for scrutiny,” he observed. “They want to know why the FBI didn’t similarly monitor the Clinton campaign. They say that tens of millions of dollars from Russian-owned businesses found their way into the Clinton Foundation after the Uranium One deal was approved by Hillary when she was Secretary of State. They say that she mishandled classified communications and destroyed evidence. Well, the FBI did investigate Hillary and found her innocent of all charges. So there was no need to inquire any further after July of 2016.”

Meanwhile, disgraced former FBI Deputy Director Andrew McCabe has demanded immunity from prosecution in exchange for testimony before the Senate Judiciary Committee next week. McCabe’s lawyer, Michael Bromwich, insisted that “the immunity request doesn’t mean my client is acknowledging any wrongdoing. It’s just a precaution against someone else using his testimony to construct a case against him. In fact, documents exonerating Mr. McCabe are currently being withheld by the FBI in an attempt to scapegoat him for the misdeeds ordered by former FBI Director James Comey.”

More Jobs than Job Seekers

This month, for the first time since employment statistics have been tracked, there are now more job openings than there are persons seeking employment. According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, the number of job vacancies for the most recent month were 6.7 million while the number of unemployed persons seeking jobs came in at 6.35 million.

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) called these statistics “further proof that the Trump Administration’s policies are destroying this country. His tax cuts are provoking businesses to expand their production, but the induced labor shortages will choke off this expansion. It will be an economic catastrophe.”

Thankfully, voters will have an opportunity to set things on a more stable course this November,” the Minority Leader pointed out. “By electing a Democrat majority to Congress we can pass legislation that will repeal the tax cuts and reestablish the regulatory constraints that allowed the economy to maintain the more sustainable stagnation set in place during the Obama years.”

In a bid to win over a greater share of corporate money to support the election of Democrats, Pelosi suggested that “the job vacancies could be filled at a lower labor cost if we increase immigration. By granting amnesty to the millions already here and by opening the borders to the tens of millions more who want to come to America we could easily fill the 6.7 million vacancies without having to raise wages or disturb the leisure of the millions of Americans who have become accustomed to living freed from the obligation to support themselves.”

In related news, the deregulation and tax cuts pushed by the Trump Administration have enabled the United States to retake the lead as the world’s most competitive economy for 2017. The US’s faster economic growth and a supportive atmosphere for scientific and technological innovation allowed it to knock Hong Kong from the top spot, an achievement that former President Obama lamented, calling it “a reversal of the progress toward an unthreatening mediocrity we made during my eight years in office. Being ‘number one’ puts a target on your back. It’s safer to be in the middle where no one envies you and there is no incentive to try to take you down.”

Europeans Say Increased Iranian Uranium Enrichment OK

European participants in the Obama-arranged “deal” that is supposed to discourage Iran from developing nuclear weapons insist that the country’s stepped up uranium enrichment program does not violate the terms of the agreement.

Maja Kocijancic, spokeswoman for EU diplomatic chief Federica Mogherini, explained that “a careful reading of the terms shows that Iran has only agreed to forego attacking us with nuclear weapons until they are ‘physically able to do so.’ All work on bombs and delivery systems prior to the attainment of this capability are unconstrained by the agreement brokered by former US President Obama and his Secretary of State John Kerry.”

Iran’s nuclear chief, Ali Akbar Salehi, assured European governments that “you will not be annihilated until it becomes feasible. Even then, we will not strike unless it is absolutely necessary. It would be wise for you to use the intervening time to work on removing the necessity. At a minimum, your people must accept submission to our Islamic authority. However, I would advise converting. Only then will your people come under the umbrella of our nuclear protection and enjoy the full rights and privileges of being a part of the Muslim umma.”

Kocijancic thanked Salehi “for your clarification of Iran’s position and your sage advice on how to improve relations between our countries.”

California Enacts Strict Water Rationing

After years of drought, the California Legislature has enacted severe restrictions on household water consumption. Under the new law, by the year 2022 residents in California will be limited to 55 gallons per person, per day. An eight-minute shower uses about 17 gallons. A bath uses about 80 gallons. A load of wash uses about 40 gallons. Each toilet flush uses about 1.5 gallons. Fines for exceeding the daily 55 gallon limit can rise to $10,000 per violation for repeat offenders.

To enforce compliance, the state government will deploy surveillance systems to spy on all residents. Utility providers will be obligated to report on violators, and urban retail water suppliers are expected to use satellite imagery, site visits, or other best available technology to develop an accurate estimate of each person’s water usage. A reward program to encourage neighbors to “rat out” each other is also under consideration.

While many residents wonder how they’ll comply, Gov. Jerry Brown (D) assured them that “it’s not so hard. I often go a week or more between showers. Americans have developed an unreasonable fetish regarding cleanliness. Europeans don’t bathe as often as we do. Yet we regard them as fashionably chic. Just slap on a little more cologne. If you must wash up daily consider showering at the YMCA or go swimming in the ocean.”

Another trick you can use to conserve water is wait until your toilet is full before flushing,” Brown continued. “I’ve found that by cutting back on dietary fiber I’ve been able to limit flushing to a maximum of once a day and have been able, with the aid of some air freshener to stretch that out to multiple days at a time. You could also use a public restroom in a government building or at a fast food restaurant whenever possible and let someone else bear the expense of disposing of your bodily waste.”

You know, the real heroes of conservation are the homeless,” Brown contended. “They’ve shown us all that it is possible to live without showering, washing, or flushing. They live more naturally and have a far smaller environmental footprint than their more materialistic neighbors. If more of us were to choose that lifestyle it would solve a lot of our environmental problems.”

Thankfully, the law exempts swimming pools, spas, and fountains. So there is no danger that the state’s more important residents—celebrities, corporate executives, and high-ranking government officials—will be unduly inconvenienced by the rationing scheme.

‘Devastating’ Federal Payroll Cut

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

News that the Trump Administration has eliminated 24,000 federal government jobs was described as “devastating” by House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif). The cut amounts to less than 1% of the total federal government workforce.

“Taking a ‘meat axe’ approach is destroying the finely tuned machine that kept America humming during the eight years President Obama ran the country. Federal workers are the employees who make the rules that tell everyone else what to do. The loss of so many vital cogs in the machinery of government will no doubt lead to widespread confusion and chaos.”

“Not only will the nation suffer from Trump’s ignorance of how the country works, but the human cost to these hard-working public servants will be severe,” she added. “Unlike the skills needed to thrive in the private sector, the skills of crafting regulations and processing forms are not easily transferable. I wouldn’t be surprised to see thousands of those cut from the federal payroll end up homeless, depressed and drunk…or worse. In the absence of sensible gun control laws how many of these unfortunates will go on killing sprees?”

The former Speaker called on state and local governments “to take up the slack. Thankfully, at the same time Trump has been cutting jobs, states have added 2,000 and local governments 6,000 new positions. This is an encouraging start, but we will need to see at least a tripling of this effort just to break even.”

Meanwhile, in the private sector, the number of employed Americans has set a new high—the 9th such since Trump’s assumption of the presidency. The number of employed men and women set new record highs. Unemployment for Blacks and Hispanics also hit record lows. Unsurprisingly, two-thirds of respondents now say that the economy is strong—a finding that long-time Democratic pollster John Zogby called “a bad omen for our Party in the upcoming November election.”

In related news, Rep. Jacky Rosen (D-Nev) charged that the Trump-designed and Republican-passed tax cut has “unfairly rigged the upcoming Nevada senatorial election against me.” Her complaint relates to the increased take home pay her campaign staff has experienced since the new tax law went into effect. “The extra $400 a month my campaign manager is getting is sapping his enthusiasm and diluting my message to Nevada voters.” Rosen demanded that Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller “add this latest example of collusion between Trump and the GOP-controlled Congress to interfere in the next election to the list of crimes he is investigating.”

2020 Dem Hopeful Slams Trump’s “Immoral” Policies

Sen. Kamala Harris (D-Calif) sought to take an early lead for her Party’s 2020 presidential nomination by assailing President Trump’s “immoral” policies. Two specific areas that sparked her anger were Trump’s “cruel insistence on blocking the free migration of people across man-made borders” and his “insane refusal to abolish the weapons of war.”

“People have just as much right as birds do to migrate to places where they have a better chance of surviving and propagating,” Harris argued. “Trump’s wall and ICE goons seek to bar humans from enjoying this basic right. The contention that birds fend for themselves while many of the human migrants end up on public assistance does not strike me as sufficient reason to discriminate. I mean, birds have defecated on my car. No immigrant has ever done this. I think we need to move past the notion of nations and erase the artificial lines that separate us from the rest of the world. This is what President Obama tried to do. I will put us back on that road toward a more harmonious future.”

“Once we abolish our borders there will be no more need for weapons of war,” Harris continued. “If anyone who wants to come here can there will be no need for any nation to attack us. We won’t need to spend billions on armaments every year. The money we save could then be used to provide a more comfortable life for all the immigrants who want to come to America for that very reason.”

Meanwhile, expected presidential rival Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-NY) said she is looking to China “for inspiration on how a country should be governed. At the cost of just a couple of generations of oppression the Communist government now has that country on track to overtake the United States in terms of economic and political power. I think emulating this model is what President Obama had in mind when he promised to transform America. I would be proud to be selected as the person to complete the transformation and cement his legacy for all time.”

Google Says California GOP Are Nazis

The algorithms that Google uses to filter out “fake news” and ensure that its readers get the straight story ended up labeling the California Republican Party’s ideology as “Nazism” in its “search results.” This timely smear comes just a week ahead of the state’s primary elections next Tuesday.

Google CEO Pichai Sundararajan (alias: Sundar Pichai) explained the seeming “snafu” as “a logical end point for the algorithms we coded into our search engine. Historically, the ideologies of Nazism and Communism have been the most vociferous opponents of one another. Since the platform of the California Democratic Party is fundamentally indistinguishable from communism and the Republicans are adamantly opposed to this platform our software deduced that they must be akin to Nazis.”

Google has manually edited their search engine to remove the Nazism tag on the Republicans, but Sundararajan could not guarantee the fix would prevent similar outcomes going forward. “We program a considerable amount of autonomy into our software,” he pointed out. “It has, so to speak, a mind of its own. That mind tends to see things through a progressive prism, as do we in management. This seems right to us and preferable to a forced ‘neutral’ or ‘balanced’ perspective. We will not be bullied by those who demand neutrality or balance. They are free to use other search engines if they choose.”

In other California news, Stockton Mayor Michael Tubbs has plans to pay a stipend of $1,000 to people most likely to shoot someone for each month that they refrain from pulling the trigger. It won’t be a giveaway for just anyone claiming they have murderous impulses. Tubbs insists that “to be eligible you have to have credible bonafides.” These are expected to include prior incarcerations for violent episodes or sufficiently corroborative arrest records.

NY AG Criticizes Trump’s Pardons

New York interim Attorney General Barbara Underwood took issue with President Trump’s recent pardons, saying they “are undermining the rule of law.”

Underwood was particularly aggrieved by Trump’s pardon of conservative commentator Dinesh D’Souza, who was sent to prison for a 2012 illegal campaign contribution. “The fact that Mr. D’Souza was the only person to actually have to spend time in jail for this type of offense was an important example to others who might be tempted to break this law,” she said. “The lengthy list of those who got away with paying fines made it even more important that the stain of a prison sentence remain on his permanent record.”

“Besides, it wasn’t as if D’Souza was some bit player,” Underwood pointed out. “He’s made a couple of high-profile movies defaming both President Obama and Hillary Clinton. The need for former US Attorney General Eric Holder to make a stark example of him was imperative. People who trash high-ranking members of the government must answer for their crimes.”

She also found fault with Trump’s pardon of former Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio and Scooter Libby. “Arpaio took it upon himself to enforce a federal immigration law that neither President Obama nor the federal courts wanted enforced,” she complained. “It is the president’s prerogative to decide which laws will be enforced. To allow any other law enforcement officer to interfere is a formula for anarchy. And Libby was an aide to the loathsome Dick Chenney. If the lackey of such a villain is pardoned the door to tyranny is left wide open.”

Disgraced sexual assaulter, former New York Attorney General Eric Schneiderman, sent a letter to the state legislature urging them to close a loophole in the state’s double jeopardy law that allows the US President to pardon persons convicted of federal crimes despite the wishes of the NY Attorney General. “We mustn’t permit the federal government to run roughshod over states’ rights,” he wrote. “It is essential that every state have the power to protect itself from dangerous anti-government agitators like D’Souza.”

Obama Says “Right to Try” Bill a “Costly Mistake”

This week President Trump signed the “Right to Try” bill recently passed by Congress. The new law will allow desperately ill patients to employ therapies not yet approved by the FDA. Trump called the bill “a decent and humane option to the current policy that allows patients no option until the glacial pace of the FDA has run its full course. Many have died waiting. This will give them a chance to act at their own risk to try to avert dying.”

Former President Obama predicted “this legislation is a costly mistake. Patients aren’t qualified to assess the risks. Neither are their doctors who have the narrow focus of keeping these individuals alive no matter the cost. Not everyone can be saved. Rather than allowing individuals to grasp at straws we have a system that dispassionately analyzes the risks and rewards on a collective basis. The private resources that are squandered to save the few could be better deployed to the benefit of the many if we allow for a greater government role, as my Affordable Care Act put in place.”

“Offering palliative care to the terminally ill is the progressive solution that puts the well-being of the many ahead of the search for improbable cures for the few,” Obama argued. “Government needs to have the courage to tell these sick individuals that the struggle simply isn’t worth it. We should be generous with pain relief and end-of-life assistance, but we should conserve scarce resources for the growing cohort of immigrants that are making up for the birth shortage among native born Americans. That is the greater good for the greater number.”

Former Watergate Prosecutor: “Mueller Has Good Obstruction Case”

Former Assistant Watergate special prosecutor Jill Wine-Banks contends that “Trump’s repeated public assertions of innocence, by themselves, constitute a clear intent to obstruct the investigation being carried out by Special Prosecutor Mueller. When you add his characterization of the investigation as a ‘witch hunt’ I think we have a ‘slam dunk’ case of attempted intimidation and Mueller should proceed to an indictment of the President without even interviewing him.”

Wine-Banks also cited Trump’s tweets lamenting his appointment of Jeff Session as Attorney General as “further evidence of improper intervention in the process aimed at removing him from office. Sessions has quite wisely opted to step out of the way of the semi-truck barreling toward his boss’ ultimate impeachment. Letting the FBI complete the operation it began in the Spring of 2016 shows that the AG is loyal to the law enforcement process and may save his hide when Trump goes down.”

Wine-Banks defended the FBI’s refusal to turn over documents that could be exculpatory, saying “when you’re running a long-term sting operation secrecy is paramount. The law explicitly allows law enforcement to lie to suspects in order to entrap them into making a mistake that can be used against them. Many murderers and rapists are behind bars as a result of such stratagems. Why shouldn’t they be used against a man whose policies could cause the deaths of millions?”

Meanwhile, in a bid to “heal the damage done by the Trump Administration,” his unsuccessful presidential opponent, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton proposed a “compromise that would restore the country to good governance. If the Special Prosecutor negates the November 2016 election and unseats Trump, I will pardon him for any and all crimes he may have committed. Such a blanket absolution would get him out of jail while simultaneously correcting an errant election result.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Media Labels Trump Complaint About FBI Spying “False”

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

NBC, a mainstream media ally of the government intelligence conspiracy to undermine the Trump campaign and administration, has labeled the president’s characterization of this covert operation as “spying” as FALSE. In an interview on The View, former Director of National Intelligence James Clapper explained that “we weren’t spying on Trump. We were spying on the Russians.”

“Look it’s not as if the Obama Administration’s practice of using covert methods to gather useful intelligence from a political campaign was unprecedented,” Clapper said. “LBJ used federal agents to secretly intercept communications inside the Goldwater campaign. And, of course, Nixon had his henchmen break into Democratic headquarters at the Watergate to access confidential files and tap the phones of the McGovern campaign. The important issue is the motivation for these extralegal actions. Remember, the sitting president has a responsibility to protect the nation from domestic, as well as foreign, enemies. Clearly, the threats posed by Goldwater and Trump necessitated this precaution.”

CNN’s Chris Cillizza called Trump’s accusation of spying “the type of baldfaced lie we’ve grown to expect from Trump’s ‘bull-in-a-china shop’ approach to discussing political issues. These undercover agents were inserted as ‘informants’ not ‘spies.’ Their role was to ensure that there was no collusion between Trump and the Russians. And as the Mueller investigation has thus far shown, they apparently were successful. There is no evidence of collusion. Rather than being thankful that the FBI went the extra mile to protect him, Trump now churlishly complains about it. In my mind, ingratitude like this ought to inspire Congress to move ahead with impeachment. It may not be a ‘high crime,’ per se, but it is outside the boundaries that have been respected by previous presidents.”

Meanwhile, Obama’s first Attorney General, Eric Holder, urged his former employees at the Justice Department to disregard Trump’s instructions to disclose information related to the spy operation launched in 2016 to members of Congress. Holder admitted that “legally, Trump is your boss, but sometimes duty requires a higher loyalty. In this case, your loyalty belongs to the department. Remember it is the Department of Justice, not the Department of Law Enforcement or the Department of Constitutionally Constrained Powers. The fate of government as we know it hangs in the balance. You must choose which side—good or evil—that you want to be on.”

Dems Mull Election Message

Democrats have yet to reach a consensus on what message might resonate most favorably with voters this Fall. Citing a poll finding that 60 percent of voters don’t believe the Mueller probe has uncovered any crimes, Democratic strategist Jesse Ferguson suggested that “we need to focus our message on the successes of the investigation. Granted, there hasn’t yet been any evidence of Russian collusion, but several people have been indicted for other crimes.” Almost all of these “other crimes” involve lying to federal agents. The one seemingly significant crime not in this category is the charge that Paul Manafort engaged in suspicious accounting that may have been deployed to “launder” money back in 2006.

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) says she is “blessed by the abundance of potential winning messages. Right now, I’m thinking that a campaign against the ‘culture of corruption’ in DC might be our strongest case for electing more Democrats. I know that Trump’s ‘drain the swamp’ rhetoric has proven popular. What if we neutralize that by usurping his ownership of that message? With the aid of a media barrage from CNN, NBC, ABC, etc. maybe we can convince voters that Democrats are the party that stands for honesty and justice, especially when we draw a contrast to the scandal-free eight years when President Obama ruled.”

“On the other hand, the disastrous economic policies of the Trump Administration strike me as presenting us with a lot of ammunition,” Pelosi offered. “He foolishly scattered crumbs to taxpayers while starving vital government programs of resources that could have been put to better use. Now, millions of Americans who we used to take care of have been pushed into the labor force. A lot of the progress Obama made in freeing these people from the soul-killing drudgery of wage-slavery has been undone. Perhaps we can resurrect the historic ‘peace and bread’ message that transformed Russia a hundred years ago.”

“Or maybe voters are tired of Trump’s dehumanization of immigrants,” Pelosi mused. “The Latino cohort of our Party’s voting block cannot help but be energized if we come out strongly against his racist slander of MS-13 and his threat to withhold foreign aid to countries that don’t do enough to keep members of this organization from coming here. After all, America is a nation of immigrants with a rich and varied mosaic of culturally diverse values and behaviors. Democrats embrace and nurture these differences. We want to give more of the world’s people the same opportunities that Trump would selfishly hoard for natural born citizens. Maybe we should follow the lead of forward thinking states like California that are extending voting rights to non-citizens. There are tens of millions more votes to be had if we make this issue a key plank of our platform.”

An opportunity thus far overlooked by most Democratic Party luminaries is Trump’s recent executive order requiring federal employees to spend at least 75 percent of their time on the job actually working. Surely, this cruel and unusual punishment summarily curtailing employees on-the-job leisure activities is something that voters will turn out in droves to elect Democrats who pledge to reverse such an injustice, as has socialist stalwart Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-Vt), who likened Trump’s order to “a virtual reintroduction of slavery. His manifest intent is to decrease the size of government by dismissing redundant and non-performing employees. This is a step backward in our nation’s evolution toward a more socially just society.”

Meanwhile, single-issue voter and former Planned Parenthood CEO, Cecile Richards also used an anti-slavery meme to suggest that Democrats emphasize “that they are the Party of abortion rights. No woman is truly free if she is prevented from terminating an unwanted pregnancy. Trump is the most anti-abortion president we’ve ever had. Republicans who give lip-service to the pro-lifers are bad enough. If we allow Trump to get more of his kind into office the gains we’ve made since 1973 will be in grave danger. Getting this message across to every female voter is vital if we want to avert this fate.”

Black Lives Matter Leader Rejects “Inadequate Reparations” Idea

New York gubernatorial candidate, actress Cynthia Nixon made a bid to win over minorities with a proposal to legalize marijuana and grant exclusive rights to sell the crop to African-Americans. “In New York we’ve reparated the Indians for past injustices by granting them exclusive rights to operate gambling casinos,” she said. “Why can’t we reparate Blacks for the injustices of slavery in a similar way that is compatible with their culture?”

Black Lives Matter of Greater New York president Hawk Newsome said “Nixon’s notion that exclusive rights could suffice as ‘reparations’ is an insult. There are so many problems with her proposal that it is difficult to know where to begin. First of all, it is inconceivable that giving Blacks a monopoly on this product could even approach adequacy. Raising a marijuana crop requires hard work. How is that a fair compensation to me for the sufferings endured by my ancestors held in slavery? You know what would be fair—to make whites in America the slaves of Blacks for a few hundred years. Then after they’re freed, subjugate them with discriminatory laws and rules for another hundred years.”

“Second, who is she to say what is or isn’t compatible with Black culture?” Newsome demanded to know. “Only Blacks are qualified to say what is appropriate for Blacks. White people venturing opinions amounts to cultural appropriation.”

Trump Administration Secretary of Health and Human Services Eric Hargan challenged the contention that reparations are warranted. “Slavery was an evil institution,” Hargan agreed. “But there are a number of facts we should keep in mind before jumping to the conclusion that reparations are an equitable response. First, the people who committed this crime are long dead. Second, blaming all white people is an unjust slander. Slaveholders—white and Black—were the guilty parties. Mostly white soldiers fought in the war that enabled President Lincoln to emancipate the slaves. It was the Republican Party that pushed for liberation. It was the Democratic Party that resisted. It was Southern Democrats that enacted Jim Crow laws and gave birth to the Klan that terrorized freed slaves.”

“It was Democratic President Lyndon Johnson’s Great Society that entrapped a growing portion of Black Americans into increased poverty by luring them onto welfare and diverting them from the prosperity that could have been theirs through work and effort,” Hargan added. “Contemporary demands for reparations merely repeat and intensify this mistaken policy. You can’t really be free if you’re dependent on government handouts to survive. President Trump recognizes this and is doing more than any recent occupant of the White House to end this cycle of dependency. The growing ranks of employed workers are evidence of the success of his approach.”

In related news, nanny-state advocate and left-wing billionaire, Michael Bloomberg vigorously defended regressive taxes on the poor, calling them “a vital tool for modifying bad habits. Let’s face it, most people aren’t smart enough to know what’s good for them. It’s up to those of us who do to help guide them toward the right choices. Regressive taxes on sugary drinks, for example, are like shock collars for dogs. The pain of having to spend more for something that is bad for them will deter their bad choices.” Bloomberg touted his paternalistic approach as “a more benign form of tyranny than might otherwise be necessary if we can’t achieve the desired goals via these relatively gentle prods toward the right behavior from the government.”

DNC Vice-Chairman Says Prison Bible Studies “Poaching Our Voters”

Democratic National Committee Vice-Chairman Rep. Keith Ellison (D-Minn) called Republican efforts to encourage prison inmates to participate in Bible studies “an attempt to poach voters who rightly ought to be supporting Democrats.”

“While the Bible studies message is not overtly political it conveys values that implicitly support the GOP agenda,” Ellison contended. “Take the admonition ‘thou shalt not steal.’ This insinuates a personal right to property that runs counter to our Party’s belief that property ought to redistributed more fairly. I mean, a lot of guys are in jail because they tried to implement a redistribution on their own initiative. We don’t want them to be contrite for their unsanctioned redistribution efforts. We want them to know that with their votes we will legally effect the transfer of wealth to their benefit.”

The Congressman suggested that “the problem is that the GOP’s Christian message of ‘loving thy neighbor’ undermines the anger that is essential if we are to make real change happen in America. This was one of the main reasons I converted to Islam. Islam explicitly calls for dispossessing unbelievers and rewarding the faithful. It is a religion more in sync with the natural predatory instincts that got these inmates into jail in the first place. If we let this natural mutual affinity be dissipated by indifference to the inroads being made by the GOP among the prison population we will be losing votes that naturally should have been ours.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Operation Crossfire Hurricane Exposed

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

The Obama Administration’s Director of National Intelligence James Clapper called the CIA’s and FBI’s covert and illegal spying on the Trump campaign and administration “fully justified. With a threat as palpable as that posed by Trump we wouldn’t want the agencies set up to protect this country to idly sit by just because they don’t have enough evidence to persuade a judge to issue a warrant. Besides, too many individuals would be involved in the process of trying to obtain a warrant that we couldn’t guarantee the type of air-tight security necessary to achieve the best possible results. Leaks could’ve outed the spy and compromised the entire Crossfire Hurricane operation. James Bond doesn’t rely on warrants. That’s why he’s always successful at neutralizing threats.”

Clapper lamented the absence of any useful intelligence from the operation, saying that “Special Counsel Mueller’s job would’ve been a lot easier if we’d been able to find something, anything, that clearly implicated Trump engaging in collusion with the Russians. But just because this operation was a ‘dry hole’ doesn’t mean it served no useful purpose. FBI agents were able to plant information on a few peripheral players in the Trump campaign that was ultimately used to get a warrant to monitor phone and email communications that may yet prove instrumental in the effort to unseat Trump.”

The former DNI Director brushed aside the issue of bias. “In hindsight it might have made for better optics if we had also placed spies within the Clinton campaign,” he admitted. “The emergence of evidence that her campaign funded the Russian dossier written by Christopher Steele makes it look like we played favorites. In our own defense, though, Clinton was considered trustworthy. Comey publicly declined to press charges for her email abuses and everyone was confident she would win. So we felt why waste effort just for show?”

“We must not allow the failure of this one covert operation to poison the reputation of the FBI specifically or the 17 different federal intelligence agencies that are working tirelessly to protect this country from hostile entities,” Clapper warned. “Elections are always a gamble. There’s no guarantee that the person who should win will win—as we saw in 2016. We want the American people to know that we’ve got their back—that we’re willing to do what it takes to ensure the correct election outcome and, if that fails, to continue the fight to remedy any mistakes made at the ballot box regardless of how long or hard that might turn out to be.”

Dems Defend MS-13 Against Trump Slander

This week President Trump again described members of the heinous immigrant gang MS-13 as “animals.” His remarks came in response to a complaint that California law forbids local law enforcement officers from notifying ICE that MS-13 gang members are in custody in county jails—resulting in their release back into the community instead of their deportation. Two high-ranking Democrats assailed Trump’s remarks.

Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer characterized the President’s words as “a slander against the kind of people who make our country great. Let’s not forget that we are a nation of immigrants. If it weren’t for the daring and arduous journeys undertaken by our parents, grandparents, and great grandparents this land would still be in the hands of tribes of savages. America is the land of opportunity—a beacon of hope to the world. We must not let racial prejudice block entrepreneurial groups like MS-13 from seizing their opportunity to better their lives.”

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi characterized the President’s comments as “disrespectful. Every person is a child of God having a soul and a spark of divinity. It is not for us to judge them as Trump has done. As I understand it, almost all of the members of MS-13 are immigrants who came here as children escaping from horrible poverty and violence in the lands of their birth. For Trump to insist that we deport them back to those awful places is inhumane. They would have to rob and kill more people in poorer countries to achieve the same gains they can get from a lesser scope of depredation in America where each victim is likely to be far richer than victims in Guatemala, Honduras, or El Salvador. On pure headcount alone, Trump’s policies would guarantee more bloodshed.”

In related news, Cecile Richards, former President of Planned Parenthood, also denounced Trump calling MS-13 gang members “animals. These young men are people. According to American values they are entitled to life, liberty and pursuit of happiness. To grab them off the street and deport them simply because they are in this country illegally or have engaged in criminal activity is morally wrong.”

Seattle Levies Head Tax on Jobs

In a bid to discourage what it alleges is “wage slavery,” the Seattle City Council voted to levy an annual tax of $275 on each person employed in the City by companies grossing $20 million or more. The originally proposed tax rate of $500 was reduced after Mayor Jenny Durkan threatened a veto.

Council member Kshama Sawant says he is disappointed the tax isn’t higher. “Man’s preferred state is leisure,” he said. “Forcing people to give up their leisure in order to obtain the means needed to survive is a crime against humanity. The $500 levy was an opening bid in our long term battle to free the victims of this deplorable practice.”

The receipts from this new tax are earmarked for programs to aid the city’s growing population of homeless persons—a cohort that Sawant contends “is the vanguard of a future where the ideal of a life of leisure is appreciated. The funds will enable us to alleviate the poverty that currently plagues these social pioneers. Instead of condemning them to live in the streets scrounging for food in dumpsters or begging for money from strangers we’ll take the money from taxpayers and free them from this drudgery.”

The move inverts the more typical city strategy of offering businesses tax breaks for bringing jobs into the community, a practice which Sawant denounced as “capitalist exploitation. People don’t really want jobs. They want money. If we tax the wealthy corporations in order to break the link between work and reward we can move society to a higher level of consciousness and get closer to the communist ideal envisioned by Marx.”

Meanwhile, the Chicago Fed has proposed levying a statewide property tax hike of 1% of actual value to cover the unfunded pensions of state and local government retirees. For the median valued home in Chicago this would amount to $2,260 in additional annual property taxes and more than $67,000 over the 30 years the tax is expected to be imposed. Rick Matoon, one of the authors of the proposal, characterized it as “necessary if we are to ensure that former public servants have a comfortable retirement.” The typical yearly benefit paid to retired 30-year government employees in Illinois is over $70,000. The median household income in the state is about $61,000 a year. So, “necessary” might not be the most accurate description of the proposed wealth transfer.

Campaign Slogan May Not Be a Winner

Democrat Abdul al-Sayed, Michigan’s first-ever Muslim candidate for governor, may face an uphill struggle in in this year’s election. Political analysts suspect that his campaign slogan: “You may not hate Muslims, but Muslims definitely hate you!” may be too negative to win a majority of votes.

“Granted, Michigan has the highest percentage of Muslim voters in the country,” said Democratic Party pollster Vern Spielman, “but even if they go 100% for Sayed I don’t think that overcomes the odds that the 97% of voters who are not Muslims will vote for someone less hostile toward them.”

Sayed called objections to his slogan “a violation of my constitutional right to the free exercise of my religion. Islam calls on believers to fight for Allah and spread the joys of submission to the whole world. We aren’t cowardly Christians whose god bids them to turn the other cheek. We gladly smite that cheek and demand that unbelievers convert or acquiesce in their subservient role under Islam lest we be compelled to slay them.”

“There’s no doubt that Sayed is passionate and honest about his views and policies,” Spielman acknowledged. “But these virtues are best kept hidden until after one is elected. The non-Muslims who will be paying Sayed’s proposed jizya tax shouldn’t be warned in advance if he wants to get their votes.”

The candidate disagreed with Spielman’s advice and pointed out that “when I’m governor each person who converts to Islam will get a 100% tax reduction. No other candidate has made such a generous offer of tax relief. I am confident that the personal monetary benefits for converts under my program will propel me to victory when the ballots are cast and counted.”

Meanwhile in Minnesota, an investigation has revealed that Somalian refugees are scamming the state’s generous welfare benefits and sending suitcases full of cash back home. In the past year an estimated $100 million has made this journey. Government welfare bureaucrats say “our hands are tied. The law entitles refugees to claim benefits and we have no control over how this money is spent after we give it to them. In fact, it could be said that the investigation exposing the transfer of this money out of the country is an invasion of the recipients’ privacy and unnecessarily upsetting to taxpayers who previously were blissfully ignorant of the whole scheme.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Donations to Inaugural Called “Suspicious” by Mueller

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Special Counsel Robert Mueller is now probing what he called “a suspicious pattern of donations flowing in to fund President Trump’s inaugural celebration. Donors from Russia, Saudi Arabia, the United Arab Emirates and Qatar raises serious ‘red flags’ from our point of view. Under normal circumstances this is money that would more typically find its way to the Clinton Foundation or Obama for America.”

“What we need to know is why these formerly reliable donors to elements of the Democratic Party and its affiliates would suddenly switch to sharing the cost of the inauguration of a Republican president,” Mueller said. “Was there some sort of covert agreement for granting access or favors? At the very least it fails to pass the FBI’s ‘smell test.’”

“On top of this, there is negative impact of diverting funds that are needed to support Democratic causes,” Mueller added. “With less coming in from these traditional sources there will be less money to support the extensive workforce of the progressive side of our political system. Combined with their lessened access to public monies than when President Obama controlled who got federal aid, the very viability of these organizations is imperiled. Clearly we have a prima facie case of political bias and malevolence on the part of the Trump Administration. We don’t yet know if this will be the ‘smoking gun’ that brings down the most unqualified man to hold the presidency, but we’re duty-bound to follow this trail to wherever it leads.”

Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif) urged Mueller “to sniff out this ‘highway robbery’ of money that rightfully belongs to Democrats like the ‘bulldog’ his career record says he is. He’s got Trump on the run and I can’t wait to see him sink his teeth into his pasty white flesh. It will give Trump a taste of what slaves had to endure when they tried to escape from the plantation.”

In a related case of diverting money from progressives to their right-wing oppressors, the Washington Post slammed FOX News’ Sean Hannity for evicting tenants who fail to pay rent. “Mr. Hannity is a millionaire several times over,” the Post observed. “His need for the rent isn’t as great as his tenants need for a roof over their heads. His insistence on being paid illustrates the inherent cruelty of the private property system he exploits. Thankfully, many leading Democrats are coming around to the idea that the government should control all economic resources so this kind of social injustice can be averted in the future.”

FBI “Mole” Inside Trump Campaign Justified

With Congress on the verge of holding the US Department of Justice and the FBI in contempt for repeated refusals to provide unredacted documents related to the Agency’s efforts to spy on the Republican presidential campaign and Administration, Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein ardently defended the action.

“Unredacting these documents would permit members of Congress to discover the methods and the identities of Agency personnel and outside parties who participated in this vital operation,” Rosenstein alleged. “This would have a ‘chilling’ effect on future operations of a similar nature and, as such, would pose a severe limitation on our power to protect this country from being taken over by hostile forces.”

“Since the executive branch is currently controlled by what most experienced government personnel regard as a hostile force, it essential that the information requested by Congress remain secret,” the Deputy asserted. “Let me remind everyone that the danger to our government is so severe that a Special Counsel was expressly appointed by me as a last gasp effort to undo the error made by voters in 2016. It would make no sense for me to uncloak the documents requested by Congress just when the Special Counsel is closing in on the usurper-in-chief. I am only carrying out the responsibilities handed to me by Attorney General Sessions when he so judiciously recused himself from the investigation more than a year ago.”

In related news, former FBI Director James Comey claims that he is immune from prosecution for lying under oath to Congress because “Special Prosecutor Mueller granted me immunity. The lies I told were part of a ‘sting’ operation and, as such, are protected under normal FBI protocols. I know some members of Congress are all huffy about it, but a higher loyalty required it and I would do it again to protect the Agency and America.”

Leading Dems Take Aim at Right-to-Work Laws

Aiming to bolster their credentials among the leftist lunatics that now control the Democratic Party, projected 2020 presidential candidates Sens. Bernie Sanders (Vt), Kirsten Gillibrand (NY), Elizabeth Warren (Mass) and Cory Booker (NJ) have jointly drafted legislation that would prohibit states from enacting right-to-work laws.

“Allowing states to pass so-called right-to-work laws tramples the right of unions to fulfill their role as representatives of the working class,” Sanders maintained. “This stifles their ability to lead workers toward the overthrow of the capitalist system as Marx predicted in the Communist Manifesto and as the Russian Revolution of 1917 proved could be done. The 1947 Taft-Hartley Act granting states the option to decide for themselves whether to allow workers to hold jobs without being compelled to join a union dramatically interfered with America’s progress toward Marx’s vision of a worker’s paradise. Our Bill—the Workplace Democracy Act—will put this country back on the track of ensuring social justice for the proletariat.”

A key provision of the Bill is the elimination of votes by employees on whether they want union representation. Booker explained that “these elections merely grant employers an unwarranted opportunity to campaign against unionization. The question is whether the workers want to be unionized. In place of elections, union organizers will be free to persuade employees to sign a petition in favor of unionization without fear of contradiction by management’s self-serving propaganda.”

Warren touted the Bill’s repeal of rules that bar unions from using compulsory dues to back political candidates, saying that “this infringement on unions’ freedom of speech has hampered them from attaining the kind of political power needed to truly reform our system of government. The current rules restricting the use of these dues to support collective bargaining with the employer for higher wages and better working conditions basically neuters unions as advocates and agitators for social revolution and social justice. Dissenters from the union’s political goals should not be permitted to withhold their dues from these progressive activities.”

While the potential Democratic presidential candidates are promising to give unions more power over employees, aspiring House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) is promising to repeal the tax cut passed by Congress in December. “We’re particularly concerned that the Trump tax cut only benefits those who work or invest,” she complained. “It provides nothing for those dependent on government for their daily bread. Even worse, with taxpayers paying less the government’s ability to pay for this bread is endangered. That’s one of the reasons why we’re seeing record low unemployment rates. More people are being forced into the workplace just to support themselves. This is devastating our economy and destroying a traditional way of life for millions of Americans and immigrants.”

Meanwhile, the California State Assembly is currently debating whether to drop Presidents’ Day as a state holiday and replace it with International Socialist Workers Day.

Euroweenies Complain About Trump’s Iran Deal Pullout

German Chancellor Angela Merkel and French President Emmanuel Macron decried President Trump’s decision to cancel the United States’ participation in the Iran deal negotiated by former Secretary of State John Kerry during the Obama Administration.

“For more than 70 years we’ve counted on the United States to protect us from hostile powers,” Merkel said. “President Obama gave us his word that the US would protect us from Iran. Now Trump has ripped up the piece of paper that ensured Iran won’t develop nuclear weapons until it suits them. All the money the US paid Iran to get this agreement is now down the drain.”

Macron says he sees “a parallel with FDR’s refusal to participate in the Munich accord with Germany in 1938. If Hitler had known that America was part of a solid front he never would’ve dared start World War II. Now that the solid front we had facing Iran is gone I shudder to think of the horrors to come.”

Macron also derided Trump’s expectation that Europe should provide for its own defense “as unrealistic. Unlike Americans, we are not violent by nature. We couldn’t defend ourselves in 1940. And that was before we became accustomed to the security provided by American troops on our continent and American nuclear missiles aimed at the Soviet Union.”

The two leaders are reportedly exploring a possible accommodation with Iran. “I think if we can work out a deal that preserves a Frenchman’s right to drink wine and a German’s right to drink beer we can grow beards and pray five times a day,” Macron speculated. “At least the praying will give our citizens more time off from working while we kneel and bow our heads to Allah.”

Merkel suggested that “our substantial and growing refugee population may also serve as a sort of human shield against attack. I can’t really believe that Iran would be willing to kill so many fellow Muslims just to have a shot at killing more Europeans. That may be our ultimate trump card.”

In related news, Sen. Charles Schumer (D-NY) bemoaned the recent release of three Americans held hostage by North Korea. “Having American hostages was a key bargaining chip for Kim Jong-un,” Schumer lamented. “Surrendering these chips without compensation gives aid and comfort to our country’s most dangerous enemy—Donald Trump. I can’t believe that Kim would betray the progressive cause so casually. I think it’s a mistake that could have massive repercussions down the road.”

McCain’s Proudest Accomplishments

Nearing the end of his life, Sen. John McCain wants Americans to know that he deems his proudest accomplishment was “my loss to Barrack Obama in the 2008 election. At the time I didn’t appreciate it, but in hindsight my role stands out as a key turning point in US history.”

“Had I won that election it would’ve been an unremarkable repeat of something that had already happened several times in previous presidential elections—a white war hero wins,” the Senator observed. “But by bungling my campaign—suspending it in late September so I could focus on the economic crisis and muzzling my charismatic running mate—I effectively handed the job to a man who will go down as the greatest person to ever hold the office.”

“My second proudest moment was when I cast the decisive vote in preventing the Senate from repealing Obamacare,” he added. “My hope is that preserving government’s role in mandating the type and quantity of medical insurance everyone must buy we keep the country on the road toward the kind of comprehensive system only available to veterans in this country and in the more enlightened European countries—like the enveloping and tireless care the United Kingdom’s National Health Service provided Alfie Evans right up to the day he died.”

In related news, The View co-host Whoopi Goldberg contends that “I don’t think anybody in their right mind can point to anything that Trump supposedly has done to benefit African-Americans. To say that he has is what I call ‘The Big Lie.’” Goldberg brushed off statistics indicating that Black unemployment hit a record low last month, saying “Blacks had full employment during slavery. Making Black folks work is a step backward. Now, if Trump had put more white people to work to pay reparations to Black folks like Obama did, then we could respect him.”

CNN to Limit Live Coverage of Trump in 2020

In the event that President Trump runs for reelection in 2020, CNN has vowed to severely limit any live coverage. CNN anchor Don Lemon explained that “the Network feels that our viewers need to be protected from prolonged and unfiltered exposure to Trump’s lies and insults. We recognized that the type of coverage we gave him during 2016 allowed him unfettered access to suggestible voters and may have made the margin of difference needed for him to win over Secretary Clinton.”

“By using taped and delayed excerpts instead of live coverage we feel more confident that we can better project the image that Trump is a racist and fascist,” Lemon said. “The abbreviated snippets of Trump’s words we air followed by lengthy analyses by our CNN panel of experts will portray him as he truly is far better than listening to his disjointed ramblings. This is what the American people demand and need.”

In related news, the editors of New York magazine announced that it will no longer be publishing any articles with a conservative viewpoint. “Socialism is the only legitimate ideology,” they wrote. “It makes no sense to try to deny it and foist off the discredited views of the right as somehow entitled to play a role in shaping the nation’s future.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

FBI Claims Powers to Conduct Secret Investigations, Lie & Intimidate

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

This week in the case against former Trump associate Paul Manafort, Special Counsel Robert Mueller argued that U.S. District Judge T.S. Ellis’s complaint that he was lied to “evinces a stunning ignorance of FBI procedures. Previous court decisions have clearly established that we have the right to lie if that is what’s necessary to trap a guilty party.”

Mueller also defended pressuring witnesses and suspects. “We have immense resources at our disposal compared to the more limited means of those we are targeting,” Mueller pointed out. “Even if we have no evidence or any chance of convicting someone of any crime, the Agency has often found that persistent and seemingly endless harassment can yield compliance with our wishes. We want Manafort to testify against Trump. Threatening him with secret evidence and expensive legal procedures is an invaluable weapon in our crusade against the most unfit person to ever hold the presidency.”

Judge Ellis, though, wasn’t buying Mueller’s argument and demanded to “see the document authorizing your investigation. The charges alleged against Manafort predate his role in Trump’s campaign by a decade. It strikes me as improbable that his prosecution fits within the scope of your mandate. Neither the American people nor the US Constitution abides the kind of unfettered power the Special Counsel seems to be claiming for himself.” Ellis gave Mueller two weeks to produce an unredacted copy of the letter from DOJ Deputy Director Rod Rosenstein that authorized Mueller’s investigation.

Meanwhile, Rosenstein is having his own confrontation with the House Intelligence Committee’s demands to see unredacted copies of his instructions to Mueller, which he labeled “attempted obstruction of our investigation. Special Counsel Mueller must remain unfettered by any outside interference with his probe into the sketchy behaviors of Trump and his henchmen.”

Rep. Mark Meadows (R-NC) labeled Rosenstein’s defiance “an impeachable offense. Congress is held responsible for oversight of government operations and activities. To exercise this oversight we must have information. The desire of Mr. Rosenstein to keep certain matters secret doesn’t override the congressional obligation to oversee the FBI’s actions. His insistence that he is entitled to ‘unfettered powers’ is a gross overreach of his authority. In his mind he may think that the ends he seeks justify whatever means he deems are necessary, but that is not what our form of government authorizes.”

In related news, former FBI Deputy Director Andrew McCabe’s allegation that “higher ups” pressured him to drop the FBI’s investigation of the Clinton Foundation during the 2016 election campaign spurred House Judiciary Committee Chairman Bob Goodlatte (R-Va) to write a letter to Attorney General Jeff Sessions requesting that the DOJ open an investigation into this allegation. “The findings of the Inspector General’s report, then-FBI Director James Comey’s premature exoneration of Secretary Clinton for her illegal abuse of the email system, and the FBI’s use of a Democrat-funded opposition-research ‘dossier’ to dupe the FISA Court into allowing it to spy on the Republican campaign—establish a pattern of illegal interference in the 2016 presidential election,” Goodlatte wrote. “We cannot ignore these crimes if we want to preserve a system of government where the people freely choose who will govern on their behalf.”

Schumer Opposes “Taxpayers Right to Know Act”

The “Taxpayers Right to Know Act” has been passed several times by the US House of Representatives, but has been unable to get to a vote in the Senate due to the 60-vote requirement to end filibusters against it. The Bill would require federal agencies to report on how much programs cost and how effective they have been.

While the Bill, sponsored by Sens. James Lankford (R-Okla) and Claire McCaskill, (D-Mo), has bipartisan support, Sen. Charles Schumer (D-NY) vowed to block the legislation calling it “unfeasible and unfair. Look, our government has grown too big to be accurately measured in any way. Expenditures in the billions and trillions are beyond the capacity of voters to absorb. Whether they have been effective or not is a judgment call best left to the hardworking government employees who manage these programs.”

Schumer expressed his “fear that this information could be used to cancel programs people have become dependent upon. Just because the costs seem inordinately high or the results extraordinarily meager doesn’t mean that real people wouldn’t be hurt by the elimination, reduction, or reform of programs whose metrics indicate a bad return on our investment.”

“And let’s not forget that even a wasteful program still employs thousands of government employs to administer it,” the Senator reminded. “Shifting funds elsewhere or giving taxpayers back more of their money would have traumatic impacts on these employees. Is it humane or ethical for us to consider inflicting these punishments just to save a little money? I think the kind of information this legislation would put into the hands of voters could ignite consequences I, for one, shudder to contemplate.”

Dems Propose Socialism as Cure for US Prosperity

While Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-Vt) was first out of the gate for the 2020 presidential election with a proposal to give everyone who wants or needs a job a $15 per hour spot on a federal government payroll, other hopefuls are signing on to the idea. A poll indicating that 46% of potential voters like the idea has inspired imitators.

Sens. Corey Booker (D-NJ) and Kirsten Gillibrand (D-NY) eagerly endorsed the idea. “I think it’s a good start on the road to an economy where everyone basically works for the government,” Booker said. “Then we could ensure that everyone gets what they deserve and resources are allocated by collective decision making.” “It would be a refreshing change from the materialistic greed fostered by private enterprise,” Gillibrand predicted. “Count me in.”

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, citing the Democrats’ enthusiasm for socialism as yet another reason why she lost to Trump, made plans to get to the left of her rivals on this issue. “It’s all very well to promise that people will get jobs if they want them, but what about those who need, but don’t want jobs?” she wondered. “The collective well being of society mandates that every person assume a role that best assists the welfare of the whole. I think we should consider work gangs for critical infrastructure projects, collective farms for our Latino immigrants, and labor camps for those who require ideological reeducation. Let’s not forget that an industrially backward Russia was built into a superpower using these types of aggressive motivational tools.”

Sanders countered critics’ estimates that his plan would cost at least $500 billion per year assuming that only those currently without jobs signed up for his program. “The $15 per hour plus health benefits is just a ballpark figure,” he insisted. “Payments could also be made in-kind. We could provide dormitories as housing. Meals could be served in cafeterias. All medical care could be provided by government doctors. I saw such things work on my many vacations to the Soviet Union before counterrevolutionaries tore down that great human experiment.”

In related news, the great human experiment of public education in the United States hasn’t been faring well of late. According to the National Assessment of Educational Progress test results released by the U.S. Department of Education, 65% of eighth graders are not proficient in reading and 67% are not proficient in math. Lily Eskelsen García, president of the National Education Association, rejected the findings, calling them “irrelevant for the world in which our students will grow up to live in. All the information people need can be provided to them via TV, videos, and cell phones. The arcane skills of reading and calculating are no longer needed to live a full life. To continue to expect children to master them is just as senseless as expecting them to know how to ride horses or harvest crops. The important thing is to ensure that public school budgets are robust and that teachers get regular raises.”

Dick’s Lobbies for Gun Control

Unsatisfied that its own decision to stop selling rifles to those younger than 21 years of age sufficiently addresses the company’s concerns about gun safety, Dick’s Sporting Goods has hired Glover Park Group, a DC-based government affairs firm, to lobby Congress for more gun control laws.

CEO Edward Stack complained that “it’s unfair that our firm has to totally bear the brunt of lessened sales of these weapons. As it stands now, our heroic and unselfish refusal to sell rifles to people who shouldn’t be allowed to have them merely sends people to our competitors to buy them. This hurts our profits while augmenting the profits of our irresponsible rivals. This is egregiously unfair.”

“When the government wanted to curb alcoholism it didn’t rely on businesses to voluntarily refrain from selling liquor,” Stack pointed out. “It outlawed sales by all businesses. All we are seeking here is a similar leveling of the playing field. If Congress were to ban every store and individual from selling these dangerous weapons it would not only have a better chance of reducing gun violence, it would also treat responsible businesses more fairly.”

Maxine Raps Kanye

Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif) called rapper Kanye West’s recent favorable comments about President Trump “deeply disturbing. Polls already show that Trump’s popularity with Black males has doubled over the last week. This is destabilizing the Black community and causing many to doubt the roles assigned to them by the Democratic Party.”

“By breaking ranks with Black leaders, Kanye is venturing into territory he shouldn’t,” the Congresswoman asserted. “He has no expertise in politics. If he wants to speak on the topic he should clear what he wants to say with those of us who do have expertise. We will give him the assistance he needs to help him formulate his thoughts so he can stay safe and healthy.”

Waters isn’t the only one upset by Kanye’s attempt to leave the plantation without permission. Fellow rapper Daz Dillinger called for the Los Angeles Crips—a criminal organization engaged in racketeering, extortion, robbery and murder—to “F*** Kanye up.” Detroit hip-hop station 105.1, “The Bounce,” has announced a boycott of Kanye’s music “until he gets his head straight.”

In related news, Waters urged Trump to resign “so I don’t have to keep fighting for his impeachment. For him to continue to impose this burden on me is racist.” Despite her tiresome efforts to goad her legislative colleagues into impeaching President Trump, the Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington has named Waters “one of the nation’s most corrupt members of Congress.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

NHS Insists Alfie Must Die

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

The saga of ailing toddler Alfie Evans has thoroughly discredited the United Kingdom’s National Health Service. According to the NHS, Alfie’s death “would be best for all concerned.” His parents’ efforts to prevent this outcome with the assistance of humanitarians outside of the NHS have been thwarted with the connivance of the UK’s courts.

It’s not a question of the parents insisting that the NHS provide care that the NHS considers inappropriate and futile. The parents haven’t asked for anything more than to take their son out of the Alder Hey Hospital and take advantage of Bambino Gesu Hospital’s offer to treat the boy at no expense to the NHS. Nonetheless, the hospital has gone to court and received a judgment that awards it custody of the child. Pursuant to this judgment, the hospital pulled the plug on Alfie. The expected demise of the lad failed to transpire.

One would think that now little Alfie could be allowed to leave the hospital with his parents. “Not so fast,” says Justice Anthony Hayden. “A lot of people protesting what we are doing are confused. If we release Alfie to his parents we lose control over the ‘end of life’ procedure that all the NHS doctors assure me is the only appropriate course. The issue is bigger than the life of one boy. Our society has decided to grant the NHS complete authority over all health-related matters. The NHS has ruled that it is in Alfie’s best interest to die. As long as the boy remains in their hands we can be certain that this outcome will be achieved. Letting him loose endangers this outcome.”

“Opponents of the NHS put sympathy for this one child ahead of the collective interests of society,” Hayden explained. “Let’s suppose that we did let the parents take charge. What’s the risk? Well, if by some miracle Alfie were to survive outside the NHS system citizens’ faith in the NHS could be negatively impacted. Pressures could arise for others to try to opt out of the NHS. This is the path toward anarchic individualism—a social philosophy that UK voters have soundly rejected in numerous elections. Avoidance of such a catastrophe is paramount. If the price of avoiding the chaos this would bring is the death of one boy and the suffering of his parents I’d say it is worth paying. I’m confident that my more insightful countrymen will come to the same conclusion.”

Meanwhile, Merseyside Police Chief Inspector Chris Gibson has announced that “we are monitoring social media and will prosecute any malicious communications that besmirch the doctors, hospital, or courts for the decisions made in the Alfie Evans matter. Their decisions are final. No useful social purpose can be served by needlessly criticizing something that cannot be changed. Loyal British subjects need to know their place and to respect and obey their betters.”

Planned Parenthood Sues to Stop Onerous Regulations

On behalf of Planned Parenthood of Indiana and Kentucky, the ACLU has filed a lawsuit contesting these states imposition of unwanted regulations. ACLU spokesperson Bertram Petty described these states’ oversight as “onerous, intrusive, and crippling. It is a blatant attempt to drive Planned Parenthood out of the medical marketplace.”

The onerous regulations include requirements that “facilities must meet minimum sanitation standards. The staff must be qualified to perform the procedures used, including how to handle emergency equipment. Patients must be monitored after anesthesia. Follow-up care for complications and infection control must be in place. Informed consent must be obtained and documented.” To enforce these regulations, “clinics are required to undergo an annual safety inspection by the Department of Health.”

Petty objected that “making continued state funding contingent on meeting arbitrary and meddlesome bureaucratic make-work rules violates civilized norms. In 1973 the US Supreme Court granted women the right to abort their unwanted offspring. States have no authority to interfere with this right. That they would do so under the pretense of protecting public health is reprehensible.”

Dems Insist Social Media Not Mistreating Conservatives

Despite the appearance of numerous witnesses and statistics indicating that FaceBook, Google, and Twitter use algorithms that have diverted traffic away from conservative voices, Democrats at the House Judiciary Committee hearing examining the “Filtering Practices of Social Media Platforms” asserted that it’s a “hoax” and that “it is a legitimate business practice to prevent unauthorized use of the media for politically unacceptable purposes.”

Rep. Jerrold Nadler (D-NY) argued that “hiding the posts and texts of persons expressing incorrect views is not censorship. The posts are still in the system. Conservatives have not been blocked from having their say. For Republicans to raise this non-issue is a hoax to distract from the very real crimes committed by Donald Trump—first to collude with Russia to seize power from the eminently more qualified Democratic candidate and second, his refusal to resign after his nefarious scheme was exposed by the heroic actions of FBI Director James Comey, Deputy Director Andrew McCabe, and now special counsel Robert Mueller.”

Rep. Ted Lieu (D-Calif) called the Republican complaints “stupid and ridiculous. The First Amendment guarantees these media outlets the right to censor the content as they see fit. The government has no legitimate cause to pry into why or how they do this. In fact, even publicly raising the issue, as is being done in this hearing, is an attempt at intimidation. Exposing this completely legal censorship to open scrutiny could reduce traffic on these sites and cut into their profits. That is an abuse that should not be tolerated.”

Rep. Hank Johnson (D-GA) mocked witnesses “Diamond” and “Silk,” two pro-Trump posters, for “your gall in saying you’ve been treated unfair. Before social media existed no one ever would have heard of you two nobodies. Now, just because FaceBook tried to limit your abuse of their platform you’ve got a beef? You say that Black Lives Matter gets a better deal. Well, maybe they have a message that needs to be heard. Trump’s a billionaire, why don’t you get him to pay you to push his agenda?”

Rep. Marsha Blackburn (R-Tenn), herself a victim of Twitter blocking her pro-life campaign tweet last year, challenged the notion that “censorship of one side of political debates is okay. These businesses advertise themselves as a way for all people to communicate. For them to subsequently, and often covertly, impede access for views the corporate honchos dislike is a deceptive business practice. The hypocrisy of my Democratic colleagues who have no qualms about having the government forcibly take money from taxpayers in order to fund abortions they oppose for moral and religious reasons as a defense of these deceptive businesses is stunning.”

In related news, Breitbart News reporter Warner Todd Huston had his Twitter account suspended after he tweeted his opinion that transgender people suffer from mental illness. Jack Dorsey, co-founder and CEO of Twitter, explained “not all opinions are worthy of being heard. As the inventor and owner of Twitter it is my prerogative to decide which opinions will be permitted on my platform. If people like Mr. Huston think they can defy me with impunity they are the ones suffering from mental illness.”

Mayor Blames Street Violence on Businesses

Baltimore Mayor Catherine Pugh blamed the City’s surging murder rate on local businesses. “First of all, most of this City’s retail businesses are open too late,” she lamented. “Keeping your doors open after dark is asking for trouble. This is a time when people should be at home with their families and not be forced to go out to buy things.”

“Second, their prices are too high,” she continued. “If merchandise didn’t cost so much people wouldn’t be forced to commit crimes just to be able to afford groceries and liquor. It shouldn’t surprise us that people would use the cover of darkness to rob the businesses or kill customers who come out late to shop.”

“In an ideal world all property would be collectively produced and owned,” the Pugh envisioned. “Then there would be such a surplus of goods and services that stealing would no longer be necessary to survive. Most people wouldn’t have to work and could pick up whatever they needed from government distribution centers during daylight hours.”

The mayor regretted that “I don’t have an answer yet on how we get from here to that ideal world. I did hear that California is experimenting with the decriminalization of theft. Maybe if just taking whatever you want from whoever has it is legal then there would be a fairer distribution and less fighting over it.”

In related news, Marquette University Professor Jodi Melamed delivered a lecture at St. Olaf College where she argued that individual liberties are the cause of social violence. “The only ethically sound social system is communism,” she contended. “Under communism all property belongs to the collective and everyone is free to meet their needs by drawing on this communal wealth. It is the resistance of those under the delusion that they are individuals that leads to trouble when they selfishly hoard more than they need. Naturally, those seeking a more equitable distribution are forced to wrest the hoarded wealth from their oppressors. If blood has to be shed for them to get what they deserve it is not their fault.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

McCabe Sues Trump for ‘Wrongful Termination’

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Fired for “lack of candor,” former deputy FBI Director Andrew McCabe is set to sue the Trump administration for “wrongful termination.” Michael Bromwich, McCabe’s lawyer, cited former FBI Director James Comey’s book—A Hired Loyalty—as confirmation that “my client getting fired for lying contradicts the Agency’s ethical standards so clearly laid out by Mr. Comey.”

In his book and interviews since its publication, Comey has admitted “lying when circumstances require it. Everyone in the DOJ has lied when necessary to nail a criminal for which we lacked the evidence to prosecute or to protect confidential sources. Take current Special Counsel Bob Mueller, for example. There was a time in his career when he found it necessary to convict four innocent men to prevent informant Whitey Bulger’s identity from being outed. That was a strategically designed sacrifice in the pursuit of a higher justice. It didn’t make Mueller a bad person. Likewise, the lies I have told in my efforts to try to block a man who is morally unfit to be this nation’s president don’t make me a bad person.”

“Mr. Trump’s characterization of my client as a ‘leaker’ and a ‘liar’ are defamatory,” Bromwich argued. “It is a blatant attempt to use instances of normal FBI procedures to smear Mr. McCabe’s reputation and, thereby, deny him the millions of dollars in pension benefits to which his years of service entitle him.”

McCabe himself laughed off Inspector General Horowitz’s criminal referral, saying “FBI deputies don’t go to jail. We send other people to jail. This is how it’s always been since the days of J. Edgar and will continue to be for as long as the Agency exists.” Well, maybe not. Former FBI agent Terry Albury is headed to prison for leaking classified information on the Agency’s racially discriminatory hiring practices to the media last year.

Dems Sue Trump for “Wrongful Election Victory”

Unsatisfied with the lack of results from Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s year-long investigation of Trump-Russia collusion to steal the 2016 presidential election from Hillary Clinton, the Democratic National Committee filed a lawsuit demanding billions of dollars in damages and a “rectification” of the election results. In addition to Trump, the suit also named Russia and Wikileaks as co-conspirators in what DNC Chairman Tom Perez called “an act of unimaginable treachery.”

While not part of the suit, per se, Perez expressed “our profound disappointment with the actions of our government. We counted on them to prevent the election of Trump as president. Yes, the FBI stifled any criminal inquiry into Secretary Clinton’s mishandling of her email system. Yet, they didn’t stifle news of her aides erasing files and smashing cell phones. FBI Director Comey’s attempt to sell this behavior as merely careless lacked credibility and served to critically damage her campaign.”

“The Wikileaks publication of confidential correspondence disclosing how the DNC rigged the primary against Sen. Sanders was a vital cog in the machinery working to deny the election of the most qualified person to ever seek the presidency,” Perez contended. “Given the vast resources and opportunity to neutralize the evil genius hiding in the Ecuadorean Embassy in London, we are mystified that this one man wasn’t eliminated either before he could do his dirty work, or afterward as an example to others. Now, we are hoping our suit will bankrupt this disruptive entity.”

“The key remedy we are seeking is for the court to reverse the outcome of the 2016 election and invalidate all of the legislation and executive actions taken by the wrongfully seated Trump.” Perez said. “Skeptics say this remedy is unprecedented. Even if that were true, justice would still demand it. But there is precedent for vacating a victory and awarding it to the second-place finisher in collegiate athletics when it is shown that the on-the-field winner cheated. So, it shouldn’t be viewed as such a stretch to apply that remedy in our case.”

As for co-conspirator Russia, Perez predicted “that will take care of itself once a President Clinton replaces Trump in the Oval Office. She has had a lot of experience punishing those who have done her wrong. If the full powers of the presidency are put at her disposal I wouldn’t want to be in Putin’s shoes. We’re confident she’ll get more than the customary ‘pound of flesh’ out of him and the country he rules.”

In related news, Comey said if he could go back in time and change anything he would have “prevented Anthony Weiner from being born. Despite my best efforts, this sex pervert undermined my extraordinary actions aimed at smoothing the transition from the Obama Presidency to the Clinton Presidency. His very existence changed history in a very negative way.”

NY Guv Has Identity Crisis

Nervous that left-wing loon and former “Sex and the City” star Cynthia Nixon will oust him in the Democratic primary this coming September, Gov. Andrew Cuomo is trying to convince voters that he is all things to all people. In saner eras, the standard Democratic ploy was to promise an array of government-funded goodies to constituents. Now, though, Cuomo seems determined to persuade the gullible that he is “a Muslim, a Jew, a gay, a woman, a transgender, a criminal, an undocumented immigrant—I am every person, except a straight white male, and am the most perfect candidate to represent this great state as its governor.”

In a bid to prove he is “not all talk and no action,” Cuomo unilaterally granted 35,000 convicted felons the right to vote after the state legislature declined to change existing state law that bars felons from voting. “Sometimes a law is just plain wrong,” the Governor asserted. “I’m not the kind of guy who will sit around and wait for the legislative process to work if it’s not getting the job done.”

The mechanism the Governor has settled on is to grant every parolee a pardon as soon as he is released from prison. Richard Azzopardi, a spokesman for the governor, called the move “limited in scope. We’re not totally restoring all their civil rights. We’re only restoring their right to vote.”

Nixon wondered “why should Democratic voters accept such a poseur? My opponent is none of the identities he is trying to claim. I am actually both gay and a woman. I do find it telling that the only concrete action he IS taking is not on behalf of oppressed law-abiding minorities, but usurping legislative authority to reward persons who have been convicted of preying upon innocent victims.”

Numerous undocumented immigrants in the state also expressed outrage at the Governor’s claims. One of them asking not to be identified by name said “his parents weren’t immigrants, his family wasn’t poor, and he has no idea what it’s like to be undocumented. He will not be getting my vote.”

Tech Rivals Tout Surveillance Visions

Facebook Deputy Chief Privacy Officer Rob Sherman boasted that his firm “will force users to accept being tracked everywhere they go. That’s just the way it is. This decision was not made in the interest of the users of Facebook, but explicitly to ensure maximum profits for the company. Our business model is based on inducing our users to freely provide us detailed personal information, which we then sell to the highest bidders. It’s a virtual license to print money. Why should we stop?”

Sherman dismissed the possibility that customers would be turned off by FaceBook’s pervasive invasion of privacy. “Privacy is an antisocial concept,” he maintained. “It may have had its uses in an earlier era, but today everyone wants to be someone. Putting all their personal data on the web is a convenient and inexpensive way to to that. The lure of being a social media celebrity is too tempting for the modern generation to resist. The fact that we have over two billion active FaceBook users proves that.”

Not to be outdone, Microsoft’s Bill Gates touted his EarthNow initiative as a more powerful surveillance tool by pointing out “unlike FaceBook, it doesn’t require anyone to opt in before we can begin tracking them. Our network of orbiting satellites can track anyone anywhere on the planet. We will know where you are. Who you’re with. We can track your movements 24/7. No one will escape our scrutiny.”

“I see a day when society can monitor the globe to instantaneously identify unacceptable behaviors, words, and attitudes and dispatch intervention teams to rescue people from deviancy,” Gates envisioned. “People could be treated, therapies and medications administered as needed to prevent social isolation and nonconformity. Loneliness would become one of the afflictions that could finally be cured.”

Brown Vows Revenge on Anti-Sanctuary Cities

Now that the second largest county in California has joined a growing list of cities opposing the state’s sanctuary policies, an irate Gov. Jerry Brown (D) has vowed “to take vengeance on these lowlifes.” The spark provoking this promise came when the San Diego County Board of Supervisors voted to direct the county attorney to file a friend-of-the-court brief supporting the Trump Administration’s lawsuit against the state’s attempt to flout federal immigration laws.

“If these people thought they’ve had it tough before paying for the medical, education, and welfare needs of our undocumented immigrants, I want them to know that it will get much worse if their elected officials continue to defy me,” Brown threatened. “I’ve already ordered 400 National Guard troops to go to the border and make sure it stays open. We will import the voters needed to ensure that pliable boards and city councils replace recalcitrant GOP-led obstructionists. Resistance is futile. All will be absorbed or exterminated. The choice is theirs. I urge them to choose wisely.”

A sign that Brown may have overestimated his mandate to convert California into Norte Mexico came from a most unlikely source this week. The University of California Berkeley’s Haas Institute for a Fair and Inclusive Society’s poll of California voters found 59% in favor of increased deportations of illegal immigrants—a finding that the Governor characterized as “a transient majority that is already on its way to being overturned.”

In other California news, Fresno State University President Joseph Castro has awarded Professor Lars Maischak a paid vacation for advocating that President Trump “be hanged to save American democracy.” Castro explained that “while Dr. Maischak’s words may seem harsh to the ill-educated constituency that supports Trump, he was only voicing what we all believe to be true. Right-wing rabble rousers are demanding he be punished, but I am convinced that would be unwarranted. Our compromise solution was to put him on paid leave for the remainder of the semester. That way he is out of the classroom, but does not have to suffer any financial setbacks. We stopped short of giving him the raise and promotion that the majority of the faculty would have preferred.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.