GOP Health Care Bill Called ‘Death Sentence for Millions’


By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnThe House passage of the American Health Care Act, the GOP’s alternative to Obamacare, was labeled a “death sentence for millions” by Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass), “people will die.”

Warren’s view was bolstered by the lamentations of individuals who now fear for their lives if the AHCA becomes law. Mega-celebrity Cher expressed her dismay that the AHCA may not cover her asthma therapy. “How will I get my medicine without Obamacare?” she demanded to know. She dismissed the suggestion that as a millionaire many times over she could easily afford to pay out-of-pocket as “unfair. It is the government’s obligation to take care of everyone’s health. The notion that I should pay because I can afford it denigrates my value as a human being.”

Similarly, model and wife of musician John Legend, Chrissy Teigen blamed Trump “for causing a crippling anxiety that requires me to get botox injections to relax life-threating tensions brought on by this manically insane, incompetent president and this dumpster fire administration.”

“The testimony of these esteemed members of society is evidence that the GOP is on the wrong track when it comes to the health of this country,” Warren declared. “If the well-being of the best of us is threatened just try to imagine how much worse it will be for ordinary people who depend on the government to care for them.”

The Senator was particularly peeved that “the AHCA moves away from vital government mandates that are essential to ensuring that every person gets the health care that experts have determined they need to have. The bill would allow individuals more latitude to decide what coverage they want. It will remove penalties for not purchasing what Obamacare has designated as mandatory services. People could simply decide not to buy insurance without facing a substantial fine. This is the road to anarchy.”

With medical treatment the third leading cause of death in America the Senator’s premise that having the government coerce people into submitting to an approved list of treatments leads to better outcomes is dubious. While it is true that trauma care in emergency rooms clearly saves the lives of many who would otherwise have died, medical errors, the toxic side effects of prescription drugs, and hospital-incurred infections kill many others.

Pelosi Blames Pro-Lifers for Democrats’ Defeat

To the list of culprits allegedly responsible for the 2016 election results—Russians, Wikileaks, Comey, misogyny—House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) added pro-lifers.

“We’re kind of between a rock and a hard place on the abortion issue,” Pelosi complained. “On the one hand, do we stand by progressive values and support a woman’s inalienable right to terminate a pregnancy? Or do we take the politically expedient course of waffling on it? Many Democrats, including me, have successfully straddled the issue by proclaiming our personal opposition to abortion while still supporting it as a matter of public policy. I mean, I’ve never had an abortion. I think that’s a pretty strong position in favor of life. I’ve also never stopped anyone else from having one. I think that is a strong position for freedom.”

While conceding that recent elections have taken a toll on her Party, Pelosi looked forward to “the growth of the LGBTQ movement as the ultimate way out of our dilemma. If more women have sex with women and more men have sex with men the need for abortions should decline. Transgenders basically sterilize themselves and eliminate the risk of an unwanted pregnancy requiring an abortion. So, the more people we can persuade to live out these alternative lifestyles the fewer abortions there will be to help mobilize the pro-lifers to vote against the Democratic Party.”

Ilyse Hogue, president of NARAL (National Abortion and Reproductive Rights Action League) said Pelosi’s “waffling strategy is bad for women and the economy. The patriarchy has been forcing women to bear children since the beginning of time. We need for the Democratic Party to make a clean break with the idea that women should be compelled to endure this onerous task. The whole process is humiliating and disgusting. Since we are nearing an era where babies can be produced via technologies that don’t require direct sexual reproduction political strategies that involve keeping males around for this purpose are obsolete. A much smaller number of breeder males can generate enough sperm through self-stimulation to impregnate a sufficient number of females to continue the species. A world where females outnumber males by thousands to one will be a more peaceful and prosperous one. Democrats need to be the vanguard of this revolution.”

Planned Parenthood’s “Champion of the Century” award winner Hillary Clinton offered to be the “founding mother” of this revolution against “the groups of men who conspire to deny women their God-given right to have an abortion. We can’t let these bastards grind us down.”

In related news, Baby Bee Hummingbirds, an Australian company, advertises that it “can turn unwanted embryos into jewelry keepsakes.” This new product joins a line of jewelry made from breast milk, baby hair, baby teeth, umbilical cords, and placentas. “I don’t believe there is any other business in the world that creates jewelry from human embryos, and I firmly believe that we are pioneering the way in this sacred art,” said company founder Amy McGlade. “What could be a better way to celebrate your most treasured gift, your child, than through jewelry?”

Dems Oppose Concealed Carry Reciprocity

Legislation backed by Senate Majority Whip John Cornyn (R-Texas) and Rep. Richard Hudson (R-NC) known as “national concealed carry reciprocity,” would require states that issue permits allowing gun owners to carry concealed weapons to recognize such permits from other states. “The intent is to simplify the process for law-abiding gun owners when they travel to other states,” Cornyn said. “A gun permit issued by a state would be valid in other states just like a state-issued driver’s license.”

Sen. Mark Warner (D-Va) announced his opposition, saying that “families have been torn apart by gun violence. Enough is enough. This tragic violence has to end. We need to move toward fewer guns, not more guns.” Warner was unmoved by arguments that allowing the law-abiding to carry improves their odds against criminals who carry firearms. “Doing what the criminal asks is better than starting a gunfight.”

Gunshot victim, former Rep. Gabby Giffords (D-Ariz) asserted that “stopping gun violence takes courage. If there were no guns I wouldn’t have been shot and disabled. The gun lobby is fond of saying that if guns are outlawed only outlaws will have guns. Well, that would make it easier for police—everyone with a gun would be a criminal. Given their superior training I think police would be the heavy favorites in any gunfight. So, by all means, let’s move to a simpler system that disarms everyone except the police.”

Senator Chris Murphy (D-Conn) vowed to “fight this NRA-backed assault on everyone’s personal safety. I’m pretty confident that we can filibuster this bill in the Senate. Failing that, Democrats need to take the battle to the states where the Second Amendment doesn’t apply and lobby to have state legislatures restrict or even confiscate privately held firearms.”

Surveillance State Ballooned Under Obama

The Obama Administration sought and obtained intelligence on thousands of Americans during 2016. Though the NSA is legally forbidden from directly spying on Americans and has temporary authority to conduct warrant-less searches of foreigners, during 2016 government officials conducted 30,355 searches seeking information about Americans and distributed over 3,000 reports with unredacted names of US citizens.

U.S. intelligence officials confirmed the growth in queries about Americans, but declined to offer any justification on the grounds that being pressured to provide justification “would endanger national security. All the public needs to know is that the government has its own very strict rules. They need to trust us and let us do our jobs.”

Susan Rice, former National Security Adviser to President Obama, was seemingly deeply enmeshed in the surveillance scheme. As such, her appearance before a congressional committee was requested by Sen. Lindsay Graham (R-SC). Rice declined to appear, saying that the request wasn’t bipartisan. “I see no upside for me in being interrogated by Republicans,” she said. “Why should I voluntarily testify? And if they try to compel me to, I can invoke my Fifth Amendment right against self-incrimination.”

An article by Jeff Kisseloff in The Nation pointed out that “abuse of power by presidents is a long standing tradition. FDR did it. JFK did it. LBJ did it. Why should we be surprised that Obama did it? These are all men we trust. They have the proper world view. Any corners they cut in pursuit of progressive values shouldn’t be held against them.

In related news, the Democratic National Committee defended rigging the Party’s primary in favor of Hillary Clinton. DNC attorney Bruce Spiva argued that “the Democratic Party is a private organization and can make and interpret rules however it wants. Its bylaws mandating impartial and evenhanded treatment of competing candidates is really discretionary. DNC officials can do whatever they want. The fact is, the Party decided early on that Clinton would be the presidential nominee and took the steps that were necessary to make that happen. Sanders was lucky we even let him run as a Democrat. We could have done it like we did in the old days and let Party honchos pick a candidate in some backroom. Instead, we put on a show so voters would feel involved, but we sure as Hell weren’t going to let them decide who would represent the Party.”

Reform of Presidential Pensions Proposed

Rep. Jason Chaffetz (R-Utah) and Sen. Joni Ernst (R-Iowa) are planning to introduce legislation that would take a former president’s other sources of income into account in determining the size of his or her pension.

“Look, the $207,800 per year currently awarded to the nation’s ex-presidents is there to ensure that someone who has served can live comfortably,” Chaffetz argued. “However, as things currently stand, ex-presidents are cashing in when they retire. They write books and give speeches and make millions every year. The pension is tiny in comparison. What our bill would do is reduce the pension by the amount earned from these outside sources. There is no call for millionaires to be supported by taxpayers making far less money.”

A bipartisan bill to accomplish this objective was passed last year, but was vetoed by President Obama on the grounds that “it would impose onerous and unreasonable burdens on former presidents. I think once a person has served the nation as president the people have an obligation to support him or her for life. The possibility that an ex-president may make millions from other sources shouldn’t relieve the people he has served from the obligation of paying him every penny to which he is entitled by law.”

The prospect of the bill becoming law seems bright since the man who would have to sign it—President Trump—isn’t currently accepting a salary. The $78,333 he earned for the first quarter as president was donated to the National Park Service.

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.


ACLU Wants to Force Hospitals to Perform Sex Change Surgery

By  John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnLast year, Mercy San Juan Medical Center in Carmichael, California refused to remove the uterus of Evan Michael Minton. Minton is in the process of transitioning from female to a simulated male body. This Catholic hospital declined to remove a healthy uterus and referred Minton to a nearby nonreligious hospital within the same Dignity Health network.

American Civil Liberties Union spokesman Bertram Petty claimed that “the hospital violated Mr. Minton’s right to have whatever surgery he wants at whatever facility he chooses. The hospital’s assertion that the surgery goes against its sincerely held religious beliefs is irrelevant. Under Obamacare, the option belongs solely to the patient. No person, organization, or institution has the right to resist the laws enacted by civil authorities. If we were to fail to punish this hospital it would set a dangerous precedent of allowing so-called religious freedom to undermine civil authority.”

Minton said “the horror of being handed off to another hospital was excruciating and humiliating. For an American citizen to be told that he must choose from dozens of conveniently located alternative institutions that had no moral objections to performing this elective procedure is the kind of oppression we should never have to fear in this country.”

It’s one thing for people to be permitted to worship as they please,” Petty added. “However, we must draw a bold line clarifying that religious beliefs can never interfere with how government conducts policy. If we were to let individuals to decline to engage in actions that their beliefs characterize as abhorrent we would be giving churches a veto over public policy. The ACLU vehemently opposes the notion that our Constitution grants religion any right to project its dogma outside the church walls. Besides, doesn’t the Catholic Church offer absolution to sinners if they confess? Why can’t the hospital simply make use of this ‘free pass’ instead of mucking up the clear directives of government regulations?”

Mayor Fined for Demographic Observation

Robert Ménard, mayor of the town of Beziers in southern France, has been fined 2,000 euros for “hate speech.” The “hate speech” consisted of his observation that in a school in the center of his town more than 90% of the students are Muslim.

Judge Maurice Cador called Ménard’s remarks “extraordinarily insensitive toward Muslims. His defense relied upon the assertion that he spoke the truth. Under our laws truth is not a valid defense. We concede that his statement was factually accurate. However, it is the government’s policy to not call attention to the rising proportion of resident aliens in our country as this could cause both discomfort for the immigrants and premature fear among native French persons.”

Ménard was unimpressed by the court’s reasoning. “We are letting foreigners in who do not aspire to be French,” he pointed out. “Their growing numbers portend an eventual swamping of our culture and its replacement by ideas and modes of living most of us would regard as backward and oppressive. The government’s preference that we be kept oblivious to the danger is insidiously foolish.”

Under the Judge’s ruling half the fine is to be paid to cover the court costs of the seven anti-racist organizations who brought the matter to court’s attention. Two of these organizations—the League for Human Rights and SOS Racisme—are funded by left-wing billionaire George Soros.

Study Finds Long Term Migrants Less Likely to Work

A new Norwegian study from the Ragnar Frisch Center for Economic Research found that migrants become less interested in integrating with Norwegians the longer they are in the country.

Knut Røed, a senior researcher at the Frisch Center, explained the seemingly anomalous findings as “not as strange as we first thought. It seems that most of the migrants entering the country expected they would have to work in order to survive. After all, that’s the way it is in the countries they came from. But as they realize that the government here will support them they quite rationally choose not to work. This turn of events is bolstered by local imams who assure the migrants that it is Allah’s command that the unbelievers provide for the Muslim faithful.”

Per Sandberg, Norway’s acting minister for immigration and integration, called the problem “insolvable. If people don’t want to work we can’t force them to take jobs. That would be inhumane. I suppose that at some point the number of people on welfare will exceed the ability of the taxpayers to support them and the system will become unsustainable. Fortunately, that is not yet a matter of urgency, especially as I can conceive of no viable way to avert such a disaster.”

Norwegian newspaper Verdens Gang wrote that “the findings of the study are very bad news. The very structure of our society is in jeopardy and there is nothing we can do to save it. The suggestion by right-wingers that we return to a system where each person is responsible for himself is anti-social. We cannot take that path. On the other hand, current trends will lead to collapse. It is a dilemma for which there is no answer.”

In related news, the cost of the country’s 318,000 Muslim refugees now constitutes 19% of Sweden’s central government’s annual budget. Nearly half of the cost is incurred by government efforts to deal with immigrant crime. The total cost to the government is $58,490 per refugee per year. This is more than twice the average Swedish household’s disposable income of $28,859 per year. Fewer than 1% of Muslim immigrants have jobs. Nevertheless, the government remains adamant that “social justice requires we continue to rescue these troubled people.”

Parade Canceled After “Antifascists” Threaten GOP Participants

A 10-year tradition of beginning Portland’s annual Rose Festival with a family-friendly parade came to an end when a so-called antifascist group threatened to attack any members of the Multnomah County Republican Party who tried to participate. Ironically, bullying political opponents by threatening violence emulates the practices of the Nazi Party during Germany’s Weimar Republic when the Party’s brown-shirted thugs ruled the streets.

Jacob Bureros, an organizer with the Direct Action Alliance, was disappointed to hear that the parade was canceled. “This was definitely our least favored outcome,” Bureros complained. “Our first choice would have been for the parade to go on minus the participation of the fascist Republicans. Our second choice would have been to have the opportunity to fight these fascists in the street. Either way, progressive values would have been put on display. Cancellation of the event has deprived us of our right to freely express ourselves.”

Obama Taking “Symbolic Reparations”

Stung by critics who say that former President Barack Obama is showing inordinate greed by accepting fat payments from Wall Street for brief speeches, former Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest argued that “one of the President’s greatest regrets during his time in office was his inability to establish a public program of reparations for America’s historic mistreatment of racial minorities. Rather than just shrug off his disappointment he has decided to individually extract payments to compensate for those injustices.”

We mustn’t overlook the fact that the $400,000 per speech fees are being paid by white men to a black man,” Earnest pointed out. “We’re confident that every aggrieved person of color will view this as an important symbolic representation of the intent of the reparations movement. Even though they may not personally benefit a member of their race will benefit and that has to make them feel good.”

Earnest took a similar view of the $65 million book deal Barack and his wife landed with Random House for their memoirs. This payoff is four times as large as the one snared by Bill Clinton and six times higher than the one George W. Bush received. “A black man getting paid more than a pair of white men is but another example of President Obama’s tireless efforts to balance the scales of justice,” he contended. “The vicarious satisfaction he is providing to the African-American community is immeasurable.”

Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) called the huge payments “troubling for Democrats. Wall Street has been one of our more reliable sources of campaign money. President Obama raised more money from Wall Street than any other candidate in history and Hillary was a close second. The millions that the former President is now on track to absorb will be dollars that could be better spent on promoting the election of more Democrats. Unless he is going to share some of these fees with the Party I’d have to categorize this as short-sighted and self-serving.”

Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-Vermont) was more blunt, saying “it makes him look like a greedy bastard. Cozying up to Wall Street was what doomed Hillary Clinton’s campaign. How can those of us pushing for social justice gain traction when the most prominent representatives of our philosophy take money from our class enemies? The only mitigating factor may be Lenin’s prediction that the capitalists will furnish the rope we use to hang them.”

UN Warns Against Repeal of Obamacare

This week the Office of the U.N. High Commissioner on Human Rights in Geneva warned the Trump Administration that repeal of the Affordable Care Act would violate international law. The warning came from Dainius Puras, Special Rapporteur on the right of everyone to the enjoyment of the highest attainable standard of physical and mental health. Puras cited Article 25 of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, which he says “establishes everyone’s right to a standard of living adequate for health and well-being, including food, medical care and necessary social services.”

According to Puras, “repeal of the ACA would make the United States liable for international sanctions or possibly UN military intervention to safeguard the American people from being deprived of their entitlements by the wrongful actions of a lawless regime.”

Democrats Make Support for Abortion Mandatory

Democratic National Committee Chairman Tom Perez declared that support for abortion is now a requirement for anyone who wants to run for office as a Democrat. “Every Democrat, like every American, should support a woman’s right to make her own choices about her body and her health,” Perez said. “That is not negotiable and should not change city by city or state by state.”

Democrats who believe that abortion is murder should keep this opinion to themselves for the sake of the Party,” Perez explained. “We’re not saying a person can’t think this, only that he must not say this as it gives aid and comfort to the enemy. Destroying this enemy takes priority over religious dogma that places the well-being of embryonic tissues on an indefensible pedestal. As Democrats we hold that society’s needs come before the individual’s needs. Those who can’t subordinate their scruples for the good of the Party have no right to call themselves Democrats.”

Perez professed to be unconcerned with a recent poll showing that 28% of registered Democratic voters are opposed to abortion. “First of all, we’re not saying that those opposed to abortion must get abortions,” Perez pointed out. “What we’re saying is that no one should be allowed to prevent another person from getting one. That includes refusing to pay for someone else’s abortion with their tax dollars. Second, we don’t think many of these so-called anti-abortion Democrats would leave the Party or vote against it because of this one issue when the very survival of the social welfare benefits the Party has pioneered is at stake. Is the life of an unwanted child really worth the sacrifice of these hard-won gains?”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Murderer Demands Release as ‘Reparation for Slavery’

By  John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnKori Ali Muhammad, the man under arrest for four murders, demanded he be released as “reparation for slavery. Whites enslaved millions of blacks and killed thousands of them. The four white men I shot can’t begin to balance the scales of justice. I need to be free to continue my work to even the score.”

His initial victim was Carl Williams, an unarmed security guard at a Motel 6 in Fresno, California. Muhammad claimed this killing was additionally justified because “he disrespected my right as a Muslim to consummate the sex for which I had paid a resident at the motel.”

Muhammad was apprehended during a shooting spree that took the lives of three more victims in his self-proclaimed mission “to kill as many white people as I could” after he had learned he was a wanted suspect in the Motel 6 murder. “I was afraid that a single murder would portray me as a common criminal. By broadening the scope of my actions I converted what might be perceived as petty motives into a noble crusade for historical justice. My current incarceration while awaiting trial continues the racism that has oppressed people of color in this country for hundreds of years.”

Muhammad’s quest received some sympathy from Drexel professor George–“All I want for Christmas is white genocide”—Ciccariello, who declared that “the arrest and persecution of this man for his initiative in righting a historical wrong makes me want to vomit. He just doing what every black person has an absolute moral right to do.”

Study of Animal Penises Called “Crucial to Solving World’s Problems”

Patricia Brennan, a visiting lecturer at Mount Holyoke College in Massachusetts, who spent nearly $400,000 of taxpayer dollars studying duck penises has become a spokesperson in opposition to Trump’s proposed cuts to funding studies like hers. One of the research topics likely to be cut off from tax-funding is her current project to study whale penises.

She is eager to examine a recently acquired an orca penis. “It’s enormous!” she exclaimed. “It takes up an entire lab sink. The very idea that Congress might not fund a thorough investigation of this extraordinary specimen is criminal. In order for us to actually be able to solve problems, or make money, or innovate, we actually need to know how these remarkable organs work.”

Brennan pointed to her work on ducks to support the case for federal funding of this type of research. “My study of duck penises established that male ducks essentially rape female ducks,” she observed. “The contention that this type of behavior evolved to perpetuate the species doesn’t make it morally right. Parallels in our own species raise serious questions about what we, as a society, should do to protect women from the unwanted attentions of men. Republican assertions that this type of research is an improper use of public funds are ludicrous.”

This weekend Brennan is sacrificing precious time that she would rather spend probing her whale organ to participate in a “march for science.” “Those of us on the frontiers of science are being unnecessarily diverted from crucial research in order to prevent the enemies of knowledge from taking their pound of flesh from us,” she lamented.

White House Budget Director Mick Mulvaney rebutted Brennan’s argument saying “we are not suppressing anyone’s research. The academic community will remain free to pursue whatever topics they wish with whatever funds they are able to raise from voluntary donations. What we are aiming to do is free taxpayers from being coerced into financing activities that are not within the constitutional powers of the government.”

Dean Asserts that “Hate Speech Is Not Protected by the First Amendment”  

This week, former Democratic presidential candidate and Vermont Governor Howard Dean expressed his alarm that author Ann Coulter has not been effectively silenced by the University of California at Berkeley. Initially, the University forbade Coulter from speaking on campus citing the event as “dangerous.” After Coulter took steps to go ahead without the University’s official approval Dean became irate.

“Coulter is notorious for rejecting the mainstream consensus on immigration, Muslims, taxes, welfare, you name it,” Dean maintained. “Her jibes are so venomous as to generate ridicule for those who hold opposing views. Clearly, she hates liberals and the victims we champion. The university was well within its rights to defend its public space from being exploited by this awful woman.”

Dean assailed “the notion that hateful words and ideas can infiltrate our communities and airwaves under the guise of freedom of speech is a threat that must be stopped by any means necessary. The violent protests lodged by the Antifa movement are an encouraging sign that the young people of our universities understand what’s at stake. In many instances they have been successful in deterring the airing of inappropriate ideas. But we can’t let young people bear the entire burden of silencing evil thoughts. Those right-thinking individuals among us who hold the reins of power at the state level or in the courts need to put forth a commensurate effort to end the noise pollution emitted by the likes of Coulter and her ilk.”

In related news, the masked AntiFa demonstrator who bashed a Trump supporter in the head with a bicycle lock turned out to be Professor Eric Clanton of Diablo Valley College in California. “If those in authority had done a better job of protecting college students from hate speech professors wouldn’t have to take it on themselves to do what should’ve been done,” Dean said. “It’s disheartening that the best and brightest feel compelled to wear masks while they are defending the progressive agenda.”

Communist Surges in French Election

Jean-Luc Mélenchon, the joint candidate of the French Communist Party and the Unbowed France political movement, is surging in the polls following his pledge to “raise taxes on the rich to 100% and gut the goose that lays the golden eggs for the benefit of the working class.”

“The idea that anyone has the right to withhold anything from the people and their representative, the state, is a pernicious doctrine we must exterminate,” Mélenchon said. “For too long progressives have held back from this obvious truth and solution to society’s problems. When everything is thrown into the common pot and shared equally no one will suffer deprivation. All will enjoy the abundance of our common effort.”

Mélenchon is also considered “cool” by millennials for his use of technology to get his message across. His appearance at multiple rallies simultaneously as a hologram has excited the youth of the nation. Paris university student Bernard Balourd gushed, “it’s like he’s from a galaxy far away. This gives me confidence that he will be the one to lead France to a bright new future. I only wish he would add sharing the grades of A-students with the rest of us. In my way of thinking, hoarding knowledge and effort is as bad as hoarding wealth.”

Meanwhile, rival presidential candidate Emmanuel Macron from the En Marche! Party, sought to outflank Mélenchon and lock-up the pusillanimous vote by assuring French citizens that “terrorism will be a daily fact of life when I’m president. The false hope purveyed by Le Pen that we can eradicate this problem via a program of resistance and expulsion of Islamic troublemakers is a ‘bridge too far.’ The sooner we acclimate to the new reality, the quicker we can return to our essential French persona.”

However, even this ridiculously flaccid stance was assailed by anti-capitalist party candidate Philippe Poutou who argued that “a more rigorous policy of appeasement toward Islamists is the wiser road. Was collaboration with the Germans really worse than the horrors of the D-Day invasion? I think the destruction wrought by the clash of Allied armies with the Germans was far more severe than anything that transpired during the occupation. I’m confident that the sane segment of voters will agree with me.”

In related news, House Democrat Maxine Waters admitted that “taxpayers are subjected to painful levels of taxation,” but insisted “it is for their own good. Everyone knows the saying ‘no pain, no gain.’ While taxpayers may groan under the impositions we place on them, the transfer of vital resources from the selfish hands of individuals to the socially-conscious hands of the government is better for the collective whole. That Trump wants to impede and maybe even reverse this salutary process reemphasizes the urgency of our effort to impeach him.”

Trump Just one of Dozens Spied on by Obama

A long list of individuals and organizations subjected to surveillance by the Obama Administration was cited by former National Security Adviser Susan Rice as “proof I did nothing wrong.” The list included Former U.S. Rep. Jane Harman (D-Calif), Pro-Israel lobbyists, FBI contractor and whistleblower Shamai Leibowitz, Tea-party groups, WikiLeaks, New York Times reporter James Risen, NSA whistleblower Thomas Drake, Fox News reporter James Rosen, CBS reporter Sharyl Attkisson, former U.S. Rep. Dennis Kucinich (D-Ohio), Fox News reporter Mike Levine, ATF Special Agent John Dodson, former CIA Director Gen. David Petraeus, Associated Press reporters, Benghazi whistleblowers, President Obama’s vice chair of the Joint Chiefs of Staff James Cartwright, Army intelligence analyst Bradley Manning, CIA officer and whistleblower John Kiriakou, NSA Whistleblower Edward Snowden, reporter Audrey Hudson, FBI agent and contractor Donald Sachtleben, former state department contractor Stephen Jin-Woo Kim, the Senate Intelligence Committee, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, former CIA employee Jeffrey Alexander Sterling, unspecified members of Congress, American-Jewish groups, Trump adviser Carter Page, Lt. Gen. Michael Flynn, candidate Donald Trump’s campaign, and President-elect Donald Trump’s transition team.

“This list completely debunks Trump’s contention that he was unfairly singled out for surveillance,” Rice added. “For years a wide variety of individuals from various walks of life were designated for covert oversight. All of this was done under the President’s authority as the nation’s Commander-in-Chief. Those coming forward now to criticize this tread awfully close to the boundary demarcating treason. It is they who should be fearful of their actions, not me.”

Rice also characterized recent revelations that Obama’s CIA director, John Brennan colluded with foreign governments in an attempt to prevent the election of Donald Trump as “a heroic demonstration of patriotism and loyalty to the President. Here we have a man unconstrained by mere adherence to statutory law going the extra mile to try to ensure that the C-in-C’s legacy would not be subverted by a man with no commitment to the values shared by members of government from both sides of the aisle. Director Brennan should be receiving the thanks of a grateful nation rather than being criticized by persons of questionable motives.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Merkel Explains Terror Policy

By  John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnFacing a tough reelection campaign, German Chancellor Angela Merkel struggles to convince voters that her open borders approach to Muslim immigrants hasn’t been a disaster. In an interview published in a German magazine this week she insisted “we will never accept terror.”

Some of her critics have contended that “admitting millions of Muslims is a defacto acceptance of terror.” Merkel rebuffed this criticism, saying that “last year only 22 Germans were murdered by Islamic immigrants. In a population of 80 million this is a minuscule casualty rate. Considering that the fear of being attacked by Islamic fanatics has deterred many Germans from unnecessarily leaving home, it’s possible that more lives were saved by having fewer traffic fatalities than were lost by these murders. So, clearly, terror does seem to have some potential positive offsets.”

“My bigger concern is that Germans are not reproducing at a high enough rate to replace those that die of old age,” the Chancellor lamented. “These immigrants will solve that problem. Their willingness to bear children will more than offset our birth dearth. Surely, the loss of a few dozen individuals at the hands of the terrorist portion of the immigrants is not too high a price to pay.”

“I urge all citizens who are concerned about their safety to do what I do,” Merkel advised. “First, forego all unnecessary travel. For the occasions in which this is not possible, beef up your security detail. Never travel on public transit. Always ride in vehicles with bulletproof glass and body armor. Avoid public places like shopping malls, theaters, stadiums, parks, schools, libraries, and the like. Shop by phone or the Internet and have your purchases delivered whenever you can. Have a member of your domestic staff run all errands outside the home. In short, if you are sensibly cautious your chance of being murdered by a terrorist or a common criminal should be acceptably low.”

In related news, some migrants are sold into slavery before they reach Europe. Since the Obama Administration liberated Libya from long-time dictator Qadaffi in 2011 the successor government has established slave markets to dispose of non-Muslim migrants entering its territory on their way to Europe. The Department for Combating Illegal Migration (DCIM) of the Ministry of the Interior justified the sales arguing that “the Quran explicitly grants Muslims the right to kill or enslave any non-Muslims who fall into our hands. This was Muhammed’s practice. It is our practice. No unbelievers have the right to criticize us for it.”

Anti-Abortion Midwife Loses Case

A Swedish court ruled that the government’s refusal to permit Ellinor Grimmark to practice her trade as a midwife “did not violate her freedom of opinion and expression.”

Judge Bebi Mordare ruled that government authorities were “within their rights to reject Ms. Grimmark’s privilege of conducting her trade in defiance of regulatory standards. Blocking her from her employment does not infringe on her freedom to hold or express her opinions about abortion.”

“The regulators have established professional standards that require all midwives to perform abortions if that is what the patient wishes,” Mordare observed. “Ms. Grimmark’s contention that she should be allowed to select the types of services she will provide is contrary to public policy. Further, her suggestion that patients wanting an abortion have many other midwives who do not have moral objections to the procedure from which to choose stems from an incorrect premise on who is empowered to make the choice. First and foremost, it is the government’s prerogative to decide who will be granted the option to choose. In regard to abortions, that option has been granted to the patients. Medical personnel who balk at carrying out any patient’s choice are behaving unprofessionally and may be barred from the profession.”

Ms. Grimmark’s unsuccessful effort to regain the right to continue her work birthing babies has left her with $170,000 in legal bills. She has moved to Norway where regulations do not require midwives to perform or participate in carrying out abortions.

In related news, Planned Parenthood awarded Hillary Clinton with a “Champion of the Century” award for “her 40 years of advocacy for women who wish to be relieved of unwanted motherhood stemming from unprotected sex. Few have played as important a role in this great cause.”

Editor Says Sweden’s Economy Needs More Immigrants

Åsa Linderborg, the editor of Sweden’s Aftonbladet newspaper, contends that “Sweden’s economy would collapse without illegal immigrants. The influx of large contingents of these people creates extra demand for housing and welfare. This helps support the building trades and social workers, not to mention stimulating Swedes to work longer hours to pay the taxes needed to fund these benefits. Even the violence springing from these unassimilated new residents provides jobs for police, firemen, hospitals, morticians, and insurance adjusters.”

The fact that few of these new immigrants have jobs—only 500 of 2015’s 160,000 immigrants are employed—was dismissed by Linderborg as irrelevant. “Granted, these people aren’t contributing much to the supply side, but their robust demand injects a vital stimulus. In a complex economy can we really afford to reject a specialized role for different segments of the population?”

Biased Media Tougher on Democrats, Clinton Operative Says

This week, former Hillary Clinton spokeswoman Jennifer Palmeri agreed that media bias exists, but maintained that “this makes it tougher on Democrats.”

“Look, when CNN or the New York Times portray Republicans as the scum they are the bar is set comfortably low,” She argued. “All any Republican has to do to rise above the bar is: nothing. The mere absence of the usual crime, corruption and depravity puts them in a more positive light than they really deserve.”

“The bar is set much higher for Democrats,” Palmeri said. “We are expected to deliver all-star caliber performances on a daily basis. When despite our best efforts we humanly fall short from time to time the media are forced to acknowledge our failure to live up to the standards everyone expects of us. Take last year’s presidential election. As Trump reeled from scandal to gaffe to racism and verbal abuse he got a pass because no one really expected anything better. In contrast, the slightest misstep from Hillary was easily blown out of proportion. Whether it was the email snafu, the “deplorables” slip of the tongue, or her occasional fatigue—she was relentlessly exposed to unwarranted scrutiny.”

Palmeri expressed pessimism that this imbalance would ever be overcome. “It’s so unfair,” she complained. “I’m afraid that the recent effort to make CNN and the Times the arbiters of what’s true and what’s fake will be too little, too late. The best we can hope for is that the next Democratic Administration will be less tolerant and less merciful than President Obama was. Once all the GOP offenders are taken out the media’s unfair treatment of Democrats can be better regulated via some sort of pre-publication screening and approval procedure.”

In related news, prominent Democrats denounced Rep Tulsi Gabbard (D-HI) for her skepticism regarding the gas attack attributed to Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad. Former presidential candidate and Vermont Governor Howard Dean called her “a disgrace” who “should not be in Congress.” Neera Tanden, close ally of Hillary Clinton, chastised voters “for electing a person with such poor judgment.” Republican skeptics Sen. Rand Paul (Ky) and Rep, Thomas Massie (Ky) were not similarly denounced by GOP colleagues, a fact that Dean asserted “reveals the intolerable tolerance that demonstrates their Party’s unfitness to govern.”

Investigation of IRS Targeting Called “Risky”

Lois Lerner, the IRS official implicated in the agency’s illegal targeting of conservative groups for discriminatory treatment, came out strongly against the suggestion by House Republicans Rep. Peter Roskam (R-Ill) and Rep. Kevin Brady (R-Texas) that the Department of Justice look into the matter.

“The reopening of an incident occurring five years ago will only stir up unnecessary interest in something that cannot be undone,” Lerner pleaded. “The animosity that will be unfairly directed at me for misdeeds perpetrated by subordinates without my knowledge is risky. It would expose me to harassment and possible harm without really righting any of the wrongs that were done.”

Lerner also pointed out that “the Department of Justice already considered the matter and absolved me of any culpability. For the case to be reopened now would constitute double jeopardy — something clearly prohibited by the Fifth Amendment.”“If we were to accept Ms. Lerner’s reasoning it would put most serious crimes out of the reach of justice,” Roskam wryly observed. “What is more irremediable than a murder? Should we let the perpetrator off the hook because his crime is ‘something that cannot be undone?’ The abuse of power carried out during Ms. Lerner’s tenure at the IRS is something we cannot abide. An investigation and the application of appropriate remedies is essential if we hope to curb future abuses of a like nature.”

Bad Publicity Sparks Change in Policy at UA

The chaotic and violent ouster of Dr. David Dao from a United Airlines’ flight so an airline employee could fly in his stead has netted the company a heap of undesirable publicity. This has sparked a change in policy.

Company spokeswoman Madeleine Flake admitted that “the flaw in our procedures seemed to be the involuntary aspect of Dr. Dao’s removal from the aircraft. If we could ensure voluntary exit similar scenes should be avoided in the future.”

It appears that the voluntary exit of unwanted passengers will be achieved by giving flight crews the option of releasing poisonous insects from overhead bins. Flake said “the company’s expectation is that once passengers are aware that noncompliance might expose them to this risk they will more readily give up their seats. A test run of the new policy was conducted on a recent flight from Houston, Texas to Calgary in Canada and we were very pleased with the results. 

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.


Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.




Chelsea Clinton Gives Career Advice

By  John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnFormer First Daughter Chelsea Clinton touted herself as “a working model of what a young woman needs to do to succeed in today’s world. I know that a lot of women in my generation are pretty bummed about my Mom’s loss to Donald Trump. But they need to get off their duffs and get going. Just do what I did.”

“One thing that I highly recommend for others is to get a job with a major television news outlet,” she suggested. “These jobs are very rewarding. My starting salary at NBC News was $600,000. This type of salary will enable any young woman to make a major dent in her student-loan debt.”

“Another good way to get ahead is to serve on corporate boards,” Chelsea recommended. “I’m on two. Expedia pays me $40,000 per year plus $250,000 in stock options. Inter Active Corporation pays me a $300,000 annual retainer. The work is not arduous and doesn’t take much time—just a couple of meetings a year. You don’t even have to say anything at the meetings. You just have to be there. Nod a few times to show interest in what’s being said. It’s a great gig.”

“And don’t overlook the opportunity in doing books,” she added. “Find someone who will write what you tell them to write. The publisher will pay for you to go on a book tour, so you get free travel. You get to go on TV and sit in book stores for a few hours signing autographs in a bunch of different cities. It’s great.”

“Now people are encouraging me to run for president,” Chelsea boasted. “Naturally, I wouldn’t expect everyone to rise as rapidly as I have. Not everyone is blessed with the same set of skills I have. But everyone can try a little harder. If you want money, ask for money. If you want more time for yourself, take it. Men have monopolized these tactics for too long. It’s time women get their fair share. I’ve shown them how to do it.”

Audit of HUD Uncovers $500 Billion Errors

In a bid to improve procedures and results at the US Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD), incoming Secretary Ben Carson asked for an audit of past spending. He was stunned by the finding that there were accounting mistakes amounting to more than $500 billion.

“I expected to discover numerous problems, but the magnitude of the mess exceeded my wildest estimates,” Carson said. “Whether this is the result of incompetence or fraud or both remains to be sorted out.”

The Obama Administration Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Julian Castro chided his successor for “going backward rather than forward. We don’t need to be obsessed with bean counting. We need to ensure that everyone is properly housed. That’s a vast undertaking. There are bound to be some mistakes made.”

Castro pointed out that “the Inspector General’s report by itself can’t prove any of the money was stolen. Just because money is missing doesn’t mean someone wrongly took it. There could be thousands of explanations for what happened. The important thing is that the number of homeless people in this country declined during Obama’s presidency. That achievement was worth any cost.”

Carson was not as willing to overlook the financial discrepancies, though. “Good intentions can be undermined by bad methods,” the Secretary observed. “Every dollar lost through waste or theft diminishes the resources available to aid those truly in need. I can’t accept the former Secretary’s cavalier attitude toward the unnecessarily larger burden imposed on taxpayers as a result of his apparent mismanagement of the Department.”

Penalties Proposed for “Fake News”

Frustrated with its inability to control the narrative in our current age of abundant social media, the Merkel Regime has decided to fine media firms that allow false news on their platforms. The penalty can range as high as $50 million for an offense the government determines is “dangerously out-of-step with accepted views.”

German Justice Minister Heiko Maas lamented that “unconstrained free speech has unleashed an avalanche of uniformed and anti-social messages being posted on FaceBook and Twitter. The proof of the danger is the fact that an unhinged Donald Trump was able to exploit Twitter to foment disrespect for his eminently more qualified opponent and win the American presidential election. We are not going to sit by and let that happen to Germany. It is the government’s responsibility to protect its citizens from being duped by unauthorized purveyors of fake news.”

A similar piece of legislation was introduced in the California Legislature by Assemblyman Ed Chau (D-Monterey Park). Under his bill anyone who writes, publishes or even shares news stories that could be false would face punishment.

Chau called the bill “an important step forward in the fight against ‘fake news’ and deceptive campaign tactics. It used to be difficult for malcontents to slander the government. Newspaper editors controlled whose letters they printed. TV and radio decided who deserved air time. Now, anyone who can write or record a video can have it viewed by millions on the Internet or Twitter. We need to restore the filter provided by legitimate media. My bill does that.”

The Assemblyman rebuffed critics who contend his bill violates the First Amendment, saying that “the First Amendment says ‘Congress shall pass no law abridging freedom of speech.’ Well, the California Assembly is not Congress and my bill doesn’t abridge freedom of speech. It merely establishes standards that would outlaw false or incorrect speech by unqualified or deceptive amateurs.”

Evolving Views on Crime

Rep. Maxine Waters told MSNBC News’ Chris Hayes that President Trump and Fox News host Bill O’Reilly “need to go to jail.” Their offense: disrespect toward women.

“If you will recall, during last year’s presidential campaign Donald Trump was caught on tape bragging about molesting women,” Waters said. “Later on a secret dossier revealed that he paid prostitutes to urinate on a bed that President Obama had slept on when he visited Moscow. In a just world this kind of behavior would be a crime. I’m hoping that after he is impeached he will go to prison for these misogynistic crimes.”

Waters’ beef with O’Reilly was more personal. “His on-air mockery of my hair style is as an egregious demonstration of sexual harassment as I’ve ever experienced,” she complained. “It was a low blow. If I ran the government O’Reilly would be behind bars.”

Speaking of crime, Georgetown Law professor and former federal prosecutor Paul Butler opined on NPR that “given that Blacks in America suffered through 200 years of slavery and 100 years of Jim Crow laws they have banked enough misery to offset most of the criminal charges they are accused of under our justice system. Cops shouldn’t arrest them. Juries shouldn’t convict them. Judges shouldn’t send them to prison. And white victims should stop complaining. Getting robbed by a Black man is probably the only form of reparations this country is  ever going to see.”

In Wisconsin, Dane County Judge Everett Mitchell held forth a similar point of view, saying “I just don’t think we should be prosecuting cases of Black people who steal from Wal-Mart. These big companies have insurance, so there’s no loss to anyone from allowing our people to get their piece of the pie.”

In Philadelphia, Judge Wayne Bennett argued that “white folks deserve all they get and more from the Blacks who prey upon them. No matter how violent young Black punks are towards white people, it will never make up for all the violence against people of color throughout this nation’s history.”

Rice Tries Out Different Surveillance Rationales

Serial liar and former President Barack Obama’s national security adviser, Susan Rice tried out several versions of events as emerging evidence demolished earlier stories she told about the surveillance activities carried out during the Obama term.

In the first version the possibility that Donald Trump and his team were spied on by the government was flatly denied. “As FBI Director James Comey has clearly stated, there was no wire-tapping of Trump,” Rice maintained.

After it turned out that the Obama Administration had covertly listened in on Trump team members’ phone calls, Rice asserted that she “knew nothing about it.” When White House logs showed that Rice has explicitly requested copies of transcripts—including the names of the Trump people overheard—her story shifted to “what I did was completely legal. Unmasking the names of Americans incidentally captured on these intercepts is not a crime.”

When “incidentally” appeared to founder after it was discovered that Trump was placed under surveillance long before the whole Russian conspiracy theory was hatched, Rice latched onto the “I was just following orders” meme. “The bottom line is that the President is responsible for national security,” she pointed out. “If the President requests surveillance of any person, who among us has the right to refuse this request? I mean, according to the Constitution the president is the nation’s supreme leader. Consequently, whatever he orders, whatever he does must, ipso facto, be legal. And by extension, whatever I did at his behest must also be legal.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Congresswoman Defends Government Surveillance of Trump

By  John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnThis week’s revelation by Democratic operative Evelyn Farkas that the Obama Administration had the Trump campaign under surveillance and shared the information gathered with the Hillary Clinton campaign sparked a spirited defense from long-time California Democratic Congresswoman Maxine Waters.

“Many small-minded people focus on the illegality of spying on American citizens for political gain as if that is more important than the fact that a traitor has become this nation’s president,” Waters said. “President Obama put in place an organization that contains a kind of database that no one has ever seen before in life. That’s going to be very very powerful and that database will have information about everything on every individual on ways that it’s never been done before.”

While this colossal invasion of privacy would seem to dwarf the 1972 Watergate scandal in which a small contingent of GOP burglars invaded Democratic Party offices in Washington, DC in pursuit of political files they believed would aid the reelection of President Nixon, Waters contends that “by resigning Nixon essentially confessed to his crimes. In contrast, President Obama left after a scandal-free two full terms in office. No one in the media accused him of any crime. My only regret is that is that the effort he put into accumulating the database was not sufficient to prevent Trump and the Russians from rigging the election in his favor.”

Ironically, thus far, the only solid evidence linking Russia to the 2016 election is the $35 million the Putin Government paid Hillary Campaign Chairman John Podesta in 2011 when he was an adviser to her while she was at the State Department. This is probably not the “Russia conspiracy” that Podesta had in mind when he criticized the media for “not playing it up enough during the campaign.”

In related news, CBS dismissed allegations that the Clintons received any compensation for the sale of 20% of America’s uranium output to Russia while Hillary was Secretary of State. Anchor Scott Pelley argued that a subsequent $500,000 payment to Bill for a Moscow speech, a $2.35 million donation to the Clinton Foundation by the Russian firm’s chairman and $145 million in donations from nine other shareholders were “merely coincidental. No one has been able to produce any contractual documents showing an explicit exchange of State Department approval of the uranium transfer in return for monetary compensation.”

California to Prosecute Exposure of Planned Parenthood’s Ghoulish Profiteering

California Attorney General Xavier Becerra has filed 15 felony charges against David Daleiden and Sandra Merritt for secretly recording Planned Parenthood officials who thought they were negotiating the sale of body parts from aborted fetuses. The crime: recording without consent.

“Inasmuch as the sales being negotiated were of dubious legality it should be obvious that the Planned Parenthood officials whose words were captured on video would not have voluntarily consented,” Becerra pointed out. “The covert recording and subsequent airing of the conversations did irreparable harm to the reputations of both the Planned Parenthood organization and the individuals who work there.”

Becerra rejected the assertion that “the crass dismemberment of the fetuses for commercial gain is a crime worthy of exposure. A woman’s right to an abortion has been unalienable under our laws since 1973. The manner in which the excised tissue will be disposed of is a private matter. No woman should have her decision second-guessed because this tissue is exchanged for funds to help support the organization that has provided the health care services.”

The possibility that Daleiden and Merritt could go to prison for their investigative journalism didn’t faze Becerra one bit. “We need to send as strong a message as we can that any action intended to impede a woman’s right to an abortion will be sternly dealt with,” Becerra said. “By making an example of these two we may discourage others from imitating them.”

In related news, DeShawn Taylor, previous Medical Director of Planned Parenthood of Arizona, acknowledged that “in the effort to secure the optimal quantity of valuable fetal tissue sometimes a baby accidentally survives the abortion procedure. Depending on who’s in the room when this happens it may or may not be a problem. In theory, we’re supposed to send survivors to the hospital. But if there are no unreliable observers present the more practical course is to simply wait for the fetus to die so we can harvest the parts we’re already obligated to deliver to the purchaser so we we don’t lose the revenue.”

Academic Progress against Freedom of Speech

In Florida, a student—Marshall Polston—was suspended for challenging his Muslim professor Areej Zufari’s assertion that the claim Jesus was crucified is a hoax. Rollins College officials maintained that “the suspension was necessary because the student disobeyed the instructor’s order to stay out of the classroom. We strive to ensure an orderly transmission of knowledge from the professor to the students. Those students who disrupt this process by needlessly disagreeing with the teacher must be removed for the process to work as designed.”

However, when evidence, including surveillance camera footage, contradicted Zufari’s contention that Polston had been disruptive the suspension was reversed. Nevertheless, Polston was admonished by school authorities to “use this occasion to reflect on how best to express your opinion and treat others in a respectful manner.” Despite having her allegations disproved, Zufari received no similar admonishment.

In Pennsylvania, Drexel University Professor George Ciccariello-Maher, a self-described communist, urged students to “do whatever is necessary to prevent Charles Murray from speaking on our campus. We must make it clear that people like him have no right to spew their opinions among us. The university must be safe from the intrusion of anti-progressive thought.”

Murray has written dozens of books on social policy from a libertarian perspective—a fact which irks Ciccariello. “Murray’s notion that freedom is the preferred state for the human species is naive,” Ciccariello contended. “Individuals aren’t competent to run their own lives. In the ideal society the intellegentsia act as the community’s brain—directing each individual toward his proper role in service of the collective. Nonconforming views like those espoused by Murray have no place in our world.”

Ciccariello attained some notoriety last December for his tweet “all I want for Christmas is white genocide.” and his further demand that “we really need to abolish the White race. As I advised my son, if we had the courage to selectively poison them or send them to gulag-style death camps the world would be a better place.” Though he himself is White, Ciccariello declined to personally implement his own extermination “because I need to stick around to continue my role as spiritual adviser to the colored races.”

In California, Pierce College, a branch of the Los Angeles Community College District in Woodland Hills, blocked a student—Kevin Shaw—from passing out copies of the US Constitution on campus. California Community Colleges Chancellor Eloy Ortiz Oakley explained that “every campus has a designated free speech area where students can say whatever they want as long as it doesn’t offend anyone. Mr. Shaw’s complaint that the ten-by twenty foot space set aside for this purpose is inadequate is not borne out by the evidence. I hardly ever see anyone in this space. If anything, I think we might’ve been overly generous. Unless Shaw can demonstrate to our satisfaction that more space is needed he should keep quiet.”

“Freedom of speech is a natural right held by all Americans,” Shaw argued. “The College’s contention that it is a matter of density of the occupation of a ridiculous artificial ‘free speech zone’ completely misses the point. Every American has the right to respectfully express his political opinions in any public area, which on this campus would be virtually all outdoor areas between the buildings. Certainly, the distribution of a document informing people of their constitutional rights is protected freedom of speech.”

Veto Bars Abused Women from Obtaining Guns

Virginia Gov. Terry McAuliffe (D) vetoed a legislative act that would have allowed women with a protective order against a violent spouse or domestic partner to quickly obtain a handgun permit. Normally, it takes about 45 days to process a handgun permit request.

McAuliffe said the bill would be a threat to public safety. “There are already too many people with guns,” he argued. “We ought to be decreasing the number of them who are armed.” The Governor explicitly rejected the contention that women at risk of bodily harm from domestic partners would benefit from the legislation. “Very few abusers actually kill their partners. But if the women are armed they may kill someone. So, basically, the bill would take us from a situation in which a few women are killed to one in which many more men may get shot. I don’t like those odds.”

The Governor also argued that “arming these women would complicate the legal picture. Right now, if she is killed by her partner we can prosecute him with a clear conscience. If she shoots him the situation becomes more murky. Unlike police, these women aren’t trained to know when a shooting is or isn’t justified. This bill would increase the chances that she’d face criminal charges. I can’t sign on to a law that might convert her from an innocent victim to a possible felon.”

Philip Van Cleave, president of the Virginia Citizens Defense League, contested the Governor’s reasoning saying that “when a woman seeks a protective order the situation is already fraught with dire peril. An abuser used to easy access to his victim frequently becomes incensed at her last ditch effort to put some distance between them. Making her wait 45 days before she can legally arm herself puts her in great danger that a physically stronger man will hurt her, perhaps fatally. This bill would’ve closed that gap.”

Candidate Lies about National Security Experience

Jon Ossoff, the Georgia Democrat running for the House seat vacated by Republican Tom Price who is now Trump’s Secretary of Health and Human Services, has been campaigning as a man “with five years of top secret security clearance.” The truth is that Ossoff has had quite a bit less time with top secret clearance.

While the candidate admitted that he had a US top secret clearance for only five months he defended his campaign claims by asserting that his employment at an investigative film company that does work for Al Jazeera over the last three years “has more than equaled any national security experience I might’ve gained by working for the United States government.”

Election day is April 18th, but early voting turnout suggests that Ossoff is leading in the race.

In related news, Rep. Robert Francis “Beto” O’Rourke (D-Tex) announced his candidacy for the senate seat currently held by Ted Cruz. A key factor motivating his challenge has been “Cruz’s failure to represent the people on the Mexico side of the border. They are not citizens, but they still have an abiding interest in ensuring that immigration, legal and otherwise, remains unimpeded by the Trump Administration.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Senator Dubs 1973 Roe vs. Wade ‘Super Precedent’

By  John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnIn an attempt to disqualify prospective Supreme Court Justice Neil Gorsuch, Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-Calif), the ranking Democrat on the Judiciary Committee, anointed 1973’s Supreme Court decision on Roe vs. Wade a “super precedent” that ought to be “immune from being overturned.”

The Senator rejected the possibility that killing a person without a previous finding of guilt by a jury might be contradictory to the Constitution’s Fifth Amendment. “I am dismayed by Judge Gorsuch’s view that the intentional taking of a human life by private persons is always wrong,” Feinstein lamented. “Surely, he must be aware that there are instances of life that is unworthy of life. The right of individuals to make such a determination and implement the necessary remedy was established by the revolutionary Roe vs. Wade Supreme Court ruling. It is appalling that a person who cannot recognize this eternal truth has been nominated for a seat on that Court.”

Feinstein also ridiculed Gorsuch’s support of the Little Sisters of the Poor’s resistance to fund abortion, calling it “a callous trampling of the rights of women granted by the Courts. The idea that nuns would be permitted to deviate from the policies mandated by our democratically-elected government is a travesty. Society has a right to insist that certain core values be recognized and enforced. We need justices who understand this and can be relied upon to rule in favor of preserving these values. Mr. Gorsuch is not a person we can rely on to do this.”

Neither was Feinstein assuaged by Gorsuch’s contention that legislatures, not judges, should make the laws. “When it comes to the law, legislators are amateurs,” the Senator asserted. “Statutes enacted by legislative bodies are riddled with errors. We must be able to count on the expertise of our judiciary to amend the laws and correct these errors.”

Democratic Vote Fraud Efforts Advance on Multiple Fronts

Despite the fact that it is illegal for non-citizens to vote in American elections, Nebraska Democratic Party chairwoman Jane Kleeb is quite proud of her Party’s initiative in including voter registration forms in the “Welcome to Nebraska” packages handed out to newly arrived immigrants.

“Rather than sit back and submit to the racist and xenophobic restrictions enacted by white men, I am pleased to say that the Democratic Party is reaching out to ensure that the human right to vote of these new Americans will be realized in our state,” Kleeb bragged. Kleeb acknowledged that “technically, registering non-citizens to vote violates Nebraska law. However, we remain confident that the courts will overturn this law and uphold the very basic human right of every person—citizen or not—to elect those who govern them.”

In notoriously corrupt Cook County, Illinois, Democratic operative and Fort Heights resident Wilbon Perry was nabbed by federal postal inspectors for attempting to cast ballots for a dozen individuals that were on the list of Ford Heights registered voters that he knew no longer lived in the County.

Perry confessed to both signing the mail-in-ballot applications and casting the votes, but justified his actions as “carrying out the intent of the voters” he impersonated. “These were all loyal Democrats and would’ve voted exactly as I voted for them if they hadn’t moved. I couldn’t sit idly by and allow the wrong person to win the election without trying to go the extra mile to stop it.”

Cook County Clerk David Orr averred that “I don’t think Mr. Perry’s efforts were of the magnitude needed to sway the outcome. His initiative, though, was commendable. His biggest mistake was using the address of a vacant lot for where the ballots should be delivered. This ‘rookie’ error is what tipped postal authorities off. I’m betting he won’t make the same mistake in the future.”

In Virginia, Virginia Gov. Terry McAuliffe vetoed a bill that would require the state Department of Elections to disclose the identities of individuals who are registered to vote in multiple states simultaneously to local registrars. As McAuliffe sees it, “providing registrars with such information would be unnecessarily burdensome. People who’ve moved out of the area aren’t likely to cast ballots from their old addresses. There’s no pressing need to invest time in scrutinizing voter rolls for duplicate registrations.”

This latest veto follows previous vetoes issued by the Governor to block photo IDs for absentee ballots, to block investigation of counties where more votes were cast than eligible voters residing in the county, and to block the registration of voters who withhold biographical information about themselves.

Instead, McAuliffe has been pushing to eliminate the registration requirement that voters must attest to their citizenship to be eligible, calling it “just plain silly. If a person lies about his citizenship how can we prove it? I think asking this question is demeaning. We’re better off using an ‘honor system’ and trusting people.”

McCain Calls Nunes’ Action “Very Disturbing”

This week, House Intelligence Committee Chairman Rep. Devin Nunes (R-Calif) disclosed that “there is substantial evidence that the Obama Administration gathered and disseminated covert surveillance material on the incoming Trump Administration. It seems like this might’ve been illegal.”

Arizona Sen. John McCain (R) was outraged by what he termed “an unprecedented violation of our national security. I’m sure that any covert surveillance of Trump ordered by President Obama was only done for very good reasons. By going public with this information Rep. Nunes has betrayed our former President and alerted those who treasonously conspired with the Russians to deny Hillary Clinton her right to be elected.”

“I am especially dismayed that President Obama’s heroic efforts to undo the damage done by the misguided voters who gave Trump an Electoral College victory on November 8th would be so casually undermined by a member of my own Party,” the Senator complained. “Rather than cooperate with the covert operation to discredit the wrongly elected usurper, Mr. Nunes has opted to side with tyranny.”

Presidential Press Secretary Sean Spicer thanked Sen. McCain “for blowing apart the narrative that the surveillance was ‘inadvertent.’ It seems pretty clear that members of the Obama Administration engaged in a conscious attempt to subvert President Trump. The leaking of this covertly collected intelligence to media co-conspirators broke the law. People are going to be fired. Others will end up in jail before this is all over.”

Meanwhile, “whistle blower” Dennis Montgomery says he has 600 million pages of government documents outlining years of Obama Administration covert surveillance of millions of Americans. McCain contended that “the fact is that tens of millions of Americans voted for Trump. I think that, by itself, vindicates the Obama Administration’s surveillance activities and shows the amazing prescience of the man.”

In related news, Rep. Adam Schiff, the ranking Democrat on a House Intelligence Committee, insisted that “it is impossible to know whether I was previously aware of this surveillance. There are no witnesses to testify that I was. No one can prove that I was.”

Rapist Appeals Community Service Sentence

A lawyer for a 16-year-old Muslim immigrant to Sweden is challenging his 40 hours of community service punishment for raping a 13-year-old girl, calling it “unwarranted.” The sexual assault took place last July in Gothenburg. The assailant posted a video of the attack on the Internet.

“As one can see from the numerous comments on the video, it is the girl who was at fault,” claimed Kamal Humpur, a lawyer for the assailant who was only identified as “Ali” because he is a minor. “She had no covering. Her face was fully exposed. Clearly, she is a whore. Ali cannot be blamed for acting in accordance with how she presented herself.”

“Secondly, the trial was unfair,” Humpur added. “There were no Muslim witnesses to confirm her story. Under the laws of Islam, he cannot be convicted without the testimony of valid witnesses. It is the whore who should be punished. She ought to have her nose and ears cut off, but Ali still has feelings for her and would be satisfied if she is lightly whipped and given the opportunity to save herself by converting to Islam and agreeing to marry him.”

In other news from Sweden, a proposed £35 million fortress to protect police from being assaulted by Muslim immigrants in the “no-go-zone” in Rinkeby has a major problem: there is no safe way for police to commute from their homes to this police station. Christoffer Ersenius, local police union president, said he was “thankful that the workplace will be able to withstand the grenade attacks common to the district, but how are the men expected to reach this haven in the midst of this immigrant war zone?”

Humpur suggested that “instead of invading our space with this provocation the police need to back off and let us live by our own laws. They are the ones who reject the word and will of Allah. They are the unbelievers who will suffer the fires of Hell. If they submit to Islam the true believers would not be obligated to kill them.”

Rich New Yorkers Ask Governor to Raise Their Taxes

George Soros, Steven Rockefeller and Abigail Disney wrote to lawmakers and Democratic Gov. Andrew Cuomo asking that their taxes be raised. The push for higher taxes is also endorsed by the Fiscal Policy Institute, a liberal-leaning economic think tank.

While there is nothing stopping any of these billionaires from contributing as much of their wealth to the state government as they see fit, Ron Deutsch, the Fiscal Policy Institute’s executive director, explained that “a voluntary donation by those who could afford it would not compel others who may disagree with the fiscal plans of the state to pay anything. Unless these dissidents are also required to fund the state these enlightened few should not have to sacrifice one penny of the billions they have.”

“I find it refreshing that some of the richest and most powerful members of society are willing to take such a public stand in favor of coercing those less generous than themselves to hand over the cash necessary to fulfill the state government’s plans to repair infrastructure and redistribute wealth to those less fortunate,” Deutsch said. “In an ideal world all resources would be available to the government to distribute and use as society deems fit. It is shameful that anyone is able to withhold any property or wealth from allocation by the state.”

In related news, Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-Vt) castigated his fellow citizens “for putting their own needs ahead of those of the poor. I am ashamed to be living in a nation that fails to do everything it can to ensure the equal distribution of wealth to all.” Inasmuch as Sanders himself is very well off and owns three homes, it is unclear how sincere his demand for equality is.

NY Dems Propose ‘Memory Hole’ Legislation

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnNew York State Assemblyman David Weprin (D-Hollis) State Sen. Tony Avella (D-Queens) have introduced legislation that would empower the state government to order the erasure of Internet content that is “inaccurate, irrelevant, inadequate, or excessive.”

“The way it is now is that any government official can be accused of corruption by anyone who has access to the Internet,” Weprin complained. “Once the accusation is posted it essentially lives forever on the web. This can unfairly taint a person’s reputation. Our bill says that unless an official government investigation and prosecution is undertaken the accusatory content can be ordered removed under threat of a $250 per day fine for everyday it remains undeleted.”

Co-sponsor Avella admitted “I had been very pessimistic about our ability to control the narrative on what can and can’t be posted about public officials. It seems to me that outsiders have too much power to embarrass those of us who serve. Then David told me about something he read in a book where unsanctioned material was regularly removed from the public domain and consigned to what was called a ‘memory hole.’ I thought, this is exactly what we need to defend ourselves from ungrateful citizens.”

Both sponsors acknowledged the possibility that the legislation could have a “chilling effect” on public debate, but asserted that “in our opinion, public debate is already overheated by the intrusion of unqualified participants into the mix. Our bill would not impede genuine journalists, government officials, and elected representatives from expressing themselves. It would clear away the debris left by uninformed amateurs.”

Turkey Warns Europe

Turkey’s President Recep Tayyip Erdogan warned European governments against moves aimed at resisting Islamization of their countries. “Allah has decreed that all the world belongs to Islam,” he declared. “Acceptance of this reality is the path of peaceful submission to Allah’s will. Efforts to reject this reality will only lead to open warfare and the massacre of the unbelievers.”

Erdogan’s bellicose stance was prompted by the European Union’s decision to allow employers to ban head scarves in their workplaces. “They try to portray it as a safety measure,” Erdogan said. “But the lives that would be saved by such a restriction will be dwarfed by the number of infidels who will be slaughtered because of this affront.”

Erdogan’s first step in retaliation for the “affront” was to instruct Turkey’s Interior Minister Suleyman Soylu to implement an increase in refugees crossing into Europe from Turkey to 15,000 per month. “Let me point out that all of these Muslims will have access to knives, clubs, and stones,” Soylu reminded. “Some will obtain guns. Others will choose to drive vehicles into pedestrians on the streets. It isn’t a question of whether Europe will submit to Islam, but rather when and how they will submit. Will it be peaceful or will it require the deaths of millions before Islam rules all the land?”

In related news, Theodore Chuang, the Maryland judge who stayed President Trump’s Executive Order calling for a temporary halt to immigration from six war-torn Middle Eastern and African countries, is said to be weighing whether to order the Trump Administration to double the number of refugees admitted from these countries to 100,000 per year. “The surest way to thwart the anti-Muslim animus of the current illegitimate President and his deplorable supporters is to flood the country with as many Muslims as we can,” Chuang argued. “Likewise, the surest way to put and end to terrorism is to convert the entire world to Islam. Rather than attempt to carry out a doomed ‘vetting’ scheme, the smarter policy is to remove the need for jihad.”

Tax Returns Prove Trump Not So Smart

This week, MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow used an illegally obtained copy of Donald Trump’s 2005 federal tax forms to assail the President as “not as smart as he wants everyone to believe he is.” The evidence cited by Maddow was that the tax forms showed Trump paid 25% of his income for 2005 to the federal government.

“Here’s this so-called business genius coughing up a quarter of his earnings to the feds,” she mocked. “This compared unfavorably to presumed financial naifs Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill) and Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-Vt), who paid 18.7% and 13.5%, respectively. It looks like the guys who know nothing about business or economics did a better job of shielding their income from taxes than Trump did.”

Whether Maddow’s “coup” is all she imagined it would be has come into question. Presidential Press Secretary Sean Spicer suggested that “as a businessman, Donald Trump’s objective was to generate wealth and income, not minimize his personal tax rate. His actions undoubtedly provided job opportunities and income for many other individuals who also paid taxes—perhaps at rates that also exceeded those of Sens. Obama and Sanders, whose contributions to the US economy were obviously less visible, if they even occurred.”

Feud Between McCain & Paul Escalates

This week Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) questioned Sen. Rand Paul’s (R-Ken) loyalties after Paul voted not to extend NATO military support to Montenegro. In turn, Paul questioned McCain’s judgment.

As McCain reasoned, Paul’s refusal to extend the United States’ guarantee to defend Montenegro from potential Russian aggression was “doing Putin’s bidding.” As Paul sees it, though, “the United States is already overextended in terms of its military deployments around the world and it would be foolish to add to that.”

“Inasmuch as Sen. McCain has been an avid advocate of arming every Islamic ‘freedom fighter’ in the Middle East, including the gang that morphed into ISIS, I think he has a lot of gall assailing anyone else’s judgment or patriotism,” Paul added. “When it comes to foreign policy, Sen. McCain has been on the wrong side of almost every issue for the last 40 years. He is the best living case for term limits.”

McCain spokeswoman Julie Tarallo insisted that Sen. Paul “is out of step with the majority of the Senate. Russia has been this country’s traditional enemy for 75 years. We mustn’t allow the few pinpricks administered by a comparatively weak Islamic terrorist movement to distract us from this fundamental truth. Just because Putin hasn’t blown up any buildings or beheaded any hostages doesn’t mean we shouldn’t keep our focus on him.”

Liberal Prof Blames Trump for Beating, Apologizes to Assailants

Allison Stanger, the professor at Middlebury College in Vermont who was viciously attacked by a mob of students determined to prevent author and scholar Charles Murray from speaking, lays the blame for the incident at the feet of President Donald Trump.

“Students are in a justifiable state of anxiety since Trump was elected,” Stanger said. “My assumption that they could rationally listen to Mr. Murray’s controversial views and debate them in a civil manner was my error. Their response of beating me senseless was something I should have anticipated. I violated their ‘safe space’ by trying to inject an unwelcome perspective into it.”

“In hindsight, my naive adherence to a Jeffersonian notion that a university should be a ‘marketplace for ideas’ endangered everyone on campus,” Stanger continued. “Clearly, some ideas are so out-of-step with academic orthodoxy that their mere mention poses a threat to the psychological comfort of the university community. I apologize for my insensitivity and hope that my pledge to behave myself in the future will obviate the need for the students to administer any more chastisements to me.”

Dems Praise Federal Reserve Appointee

The appointment of University of Southern California Professor Raphael Bostic as president of the Federal Reserve Bank of Atlanta garnered praise from some leading Democrats in Congress.

Ohio Sen. Sherrod Brown, top Democrat on the Senate Banking Committee, hailed the appointment, calling it “a long overdue injection of new blood into the governance of monetary policy. Up to now there has been no one to represent a gay black perspective on interest rates, banking, and the economy. Dr. Bostic’s ascendance to this prominent position plugs a gap that has stigmatized Fed policy for over 100 years.”

California’s Rep. Maxine Waters, the top Democrat on the House Financial Services Committee, was equally impressed by Bostic’s credentials, “as the first black and first openly gay regional Fed president, Dr. Bostic brings a fresh insight into the world of finance. A focus on how changes in interest rates affect gays and blacks is an essential criteria to determining whether the Fed ought to raise or lower those rates.”

Texas Rep Proposes Fine for Masturbation

State Rep. Jessica Farrar (D-Austin) has introduced a bill that would impose a $100 fine for each instance of “masturbatory emissions that occur outside a woman’s vagina.”

Farrar contended that her “satirical” bill “is meant to highlight the comparable absurdities of right-wing legislation aimed at deterring abortions. Let’s see how men like it when their precious bodily fluids come under the same kind of regulation that impedes a woman’s access to an abortion. Every spilled sperm, like every aborted fetus,  represents a potential life that could’ve been brought to term. If a woman can be forced to bear a fetus to term why shouldn’t a man be forced to confine is emissions to reproductive ends?”

The fact that each ejaculation contains millions of sperm cells was held by Farrar to “illuminate the greater magnitude of the offense committed by men. An abortion terminates only a single fetus. Masturbation terminates millions of potential fetuses. Clearly, men are guilty of the greater crime.” Taking a cue from an old Seinfeld TV episode, Farrar said the fine would rely on an “honor system until such a time as comprehensive and universal surveillance can be established throughout the state.

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.


Pelosi Warns of an American Holocaust

By  John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnA Bureau of Labor Statistics report indicating that more than 900,000 have left the ranks of the leisure class and joined the workforce since Trump’s inauguration was cast as “the start of an American holocaust” by House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif).

“Mr. Trump’s repeated threat to put America back to work has insidiously intimidated nearly a million of the 90 million who are currently not in the workforce to take jobs for fear that they would be sent to government labor camps,” she contended. “This fear is further proof of the validity of our contention that the Trump Administration is taking its marching orders from the Russians. Government labor camps for the purpose of working political dissidents to death are a Russian invention. That Trump would threaten to institute such an atrocity here is why we need to impeach him before the human cost becomes unbearable.”

“The premise that these people want to work is the big lie,” Pelosi argued. “Work is a disutility. People only do it if they have no choice. Those who have courageously broken free of the social myth that somehow work is an obligation must not be coerced into conformity. The gains made over the last eight years in liberating millions from wage slavery must not be undone.”

In related news, Pelosi mocked Trump’s pizza and bowling efforts to build good will with members of Congress as “way below the threshold needed to garner our attention, much less cooperation with his agenda. Millions of dollars from our Party’s donors are out-bidding his feeble gestures.”

UK Proposal to Send Refugees Home Assailed by UN Official

A United Kingdom proposal to send refugees back to their home countries if conditions there improve was assailed by UN Secretary General António Guterres as “contrary to basic human rights.”

“The Earth belongs to all people,” Guterres asserted. “No government, no person has the right to block any other person from choosing which portion of our common inheritance he wishes to occupy.”

UK Prime Minister Theresa May defended her proposal, saying “we took these people in as a humanitarian gesture because their homelands are wracked by war. Their insistence on maintaining the culture from which they came implies a desire to return rather than adapt to our culture. If the wars they were fleeing are brought to an end and it is safe for them to be repatriated I see no reason why they shouldn’t be sent home.”

“Humanity began in Africa,” Guterres observed. “All the rest of the world is populated by migrants. Ms. May is in no position to assume ownership of the British Isles and has no right to evict anyone against his will. Even if the place the refugees departed is declared safe it may not be an adequate condition from the refugees’ perspective. None of their home countries provide the social benefits for which they qualify in the United Kingdom. Forcing them to leave a situation where housing, food, and income are provided at no cost to them robs these migrants of their human entitlements. Every enlightened human being must condemn this planned anti-social and oppressive act.”

Guterres was undeterred by a report from the Center for Immigration Studies that found that resettling a refugee from the Middle East in the US costs 12 times as much as housing them in a neighboring Middle Eastern country, saying that it supports his position that “the desire to send these refugees back to their home countries stems from greed. Ousting a person because it would cost too much to keep him is pure selfishness.”

In related news, Guterres rejected criticism of Pakistan’s treatment of women—93 percent of Pakistani women have experienced sexual violence—saying that “as I understand it, Islam’s Quran instructs men to discipline their wives, daughters, sisters, and mothers, including beating them when necessary. If we are to respect religious freedom we must not judge nor interfere with their beliefs no matter how much they may differ from own own.”

FBI Director Declares Privacy Not a Right

Fresh off the Wikileaks revelation that the US Government is spying on everyone and his vow to complete the remaining six years of his ten year term, FBI Director James Comey blandly informed the American people that “privacy is not a right to which citizens are entitled.”

“I’m not saying that Americans don’t enjoy a considerable degree of privacy,” Comey said, “but let’s be clear, this is a privilege extended by the government to those who are not under suspicion of criminal or anti-government activities. Government has a moral right and duty to monitor everyone who might represent a threat. To carry out this duty it is imperative that no device have encryption that thwarts government surveillance—as about 40% of devices now do.”

Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) cited President Trump’s objections to being wire-tapped as “prima facie evidence of his unfitness to hold office. Rather than support the surveillance that Director Comey points out is essential to fighting crime and detecting security threats, Trump is siding with this country’s enemies. If, as he says, he is innocent of any wrongdoing he should have no objection to being monitored by the FBI, CIA, NSA, or whoever is trying to keep an eye out for America.”

“Let’s be clear,” Schiff demanded. “Nowhere in the Constitution does it say citizens have a right to privacy. Nowhere in the Constitution does it say government may not spy on the population. That a man elected to the presidency would attempt to argue the opposite is, in my opinion, a cause for concern.”

Former Rep. Dennis Kucinich (D-Ohio), however, disagreed with Schiff, calling Comey’s view “a further precarious step on the ‘slippery slope’ toward totalitarianism. It is shocking that a government official would openly tout a virtually unrestrained invasion of privacy. It is even more shocking that the media are not vociferously opposing such a position. I’m no fan of Donald Trump, but in this case he seems to be on the right side of a critical issue.”

In related news, the US Department of Agriculture cracked down on freedom of speech at the West Michigan Beef Company. Owner Don Boon’s posting of a newspaper clipping on a break-room bulletin board defending traditional marriage elicited a USDA threat to shut down the meat-packing plant. “We were just following guidelines sent down from Secretary Vilsack,” said USDA Section Chief Lance Gooney. “If we want to stamp out prejudice we must confront it in whatever form it appears and use whatever tools we can.”

School Censors “Straight Pride” Poster

A high school student in Jasper, Indiana attempted to post a dissenting perspective on the school’s persistent indoctrination campaign regarding sexual identity. The unnamed student tacked up several “Straight Pride” posters around the school. The poster’s message: “Nobody cares about what you think you are. If you want equality, stop shoving your ideas down our throats! We have nothing against your sexual orientation. We just don’t care!”

Greater Jasper School Superintendent Tracy Lorey explained that “we want to provide students opportunities to express themselves, but this doesn’t mean that they can say whatever they want. For this one student to ask to be left alone would eviscerate the LGBT community’s right to be heard. What use is free speech if people can choose not to listen? Stories relating the difficulties and courage displayed by LGBTs are something that every Jasper student needs to hear.”

Lorey contended that “the poster’s expressed disinterest in other students’ sexual orientations is a manifestation of intolerance. He may think that he’s heard enough, that he’d like to just concentrate on his studies, but he is trying to shut himself off from a vital message. Sexual orientation is the civil rights issue of our time. Until everyone acknowledges every other person’s right to be accepted as the sex he or she wants to be accepted as at any given moment no one’s civil rights are secure.”

In other education news, the State of New York is poised to eliminate literacy tests for public school teachers. John D’Agati, deputy commissioner of the state Education Department, called the test “discriminatory and out-dated. Barely half of Hispanic teachers and fewer than half of African-American teachers can pass the test. Continuing to insist that teachers must be literate would embed racism into our standards. In this modern age of videos and non-written forms of communication it seems foolish to require teachers to master skills that likely will prove unnecessary in the future.”

Planned Parenthood Rejects Trump’s Offer

President Donald Trump’s offer to agree to continued federal funding of Planned Parenthood if the organization would stop performing abortions was firmly rejected by Dawn Laguens, Planned Parenthood’s executive vice president and chief brand officer.

“We are the largest single provider of abortions in America,” Laguens pointed out. “Abortion is our largest single activity. It is the main thing our clientele knows about us. For us to abandon this service would be like stabbing our customers and supporters in the back. No amount of money will divorce us from our values.”

Planned Parenthood President Cecile Richards echoed Laguens’ remarks, emphasizing that “we are proud to provide abortions. We will not be dissuaded from continuing this vital mission. The $500 million that Trump threatens to withhold is tiny compared to the returns we have earned by terminating unwanted pregnancies and recycling the salvaged biomaterial.”

In related news, former Democratic National Committee chair and Vermont Governor Howard Dean predicted that “Trump will pay a steep political price for this heavy-handed attempt to besmirch a revered national organization. The voters that oppose abortion are dying off. The younger generation is heavily invested in preserving the right to terminate the undesired offspring of their sexual liaisons. Democrats will beat him over the head with this issue in 2018 and 2020, should he foolishly choose to seek reelection.”

Obama AG Encourages Anti-Trump Rioters

Former Attorney General Loretta Lynch praised anti-Trump demonstrators for “the courage they have shown by their willingness to bleed and shed blood for the progressive cause. Some have died in this opening phase of the fight against the fascism that has gripped our nation since January 20th.”

As if in response, leftist Antifa agitators assaulted pro-Trump demonstrators in Berkeley last weekend—burning a “free speech” sign, stealing MAGA hats, and bloodying noses. Lynch hailed the attacks as “a promising sign that the revolution won’t be constrained by bourgeois morality. Instead of cowering in fear, socially aware youths are cracking heads in a way Marx would’ve approved.” Surprisingly, most of these “proud social warriors” wore masks during their criminal rampage.

Lynch’s words were re-posted on Facebook on the Senate Democrats page where they were lauded as “words of inspiration” by a commenter that averred “it’s time we start killing people if we want to be taken serious.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.