AG Says 2nd Amendment Sanctuaries Illegal

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

In a bid to intimidate the 100+ local governments that have declared their jurisdictions sanctuaries for the Second Amendment right to bear arms, Virginia Attorney General Mark Herring issued an advisory opinion declaring these declarations “have no legal effect. Local officials cannot nullify state laws. They must follow the gun laws passed by the General Assembly.”

Herring sought to distinguish “this unwarranted usurpation of higher authority” from “the entirely legitimate grants of sanctuary to illegal immigrants by local governments across the nation. The choice of where one prefers to live is a fundamental human right that supersedes any laws impeding this right. In contrast, the desire to own firearms is not a broadly recognized human right. Most nations around the world strictly limit who is allowed to own these weapons. The aberration created in the United States by the Second Amendment to the Constitution must not be used to interfere with government efforts to protect inhabitants from the dangers posed by their armed neighbors.”

“I urge citizens not to rely on local government to protect them from the State’s enforcement of its authority to control who is permitted to own guns,” Herring warned. “Anyone who does not peacefully acquiesce to a State requirement to surrender his firearm will be shot.”

Hunter Biden an “Exemplar of Democrat Economics”

MSNBC’s Joe Scarborough called the revelation of “the former Vice-President’s ability to assist his son Hunter to rise from missteps that could have meant poverty for most people with a similar history, “a political godsend. I think it gives Joe a credible alternative to Trump’s policy of unfocused economic growth spawned by deregulation and tax cuts.”

“Trump’s approach only helps those who have initiative, skills, and a willingness to work,” Scarborough pointed out. “In contrast, the former Vice-President showed a path for aiding those without skills, initiative, or the energy to work hard to receive millions of dollars from compliant foreign governments. I’m confident that once voters compare their options Democrats will come home to the Party that offers a helping hand up the ladder to wealth and prosperity rather than the opportunity offered by Republicans to try to reach the same goal over a lifetime of work, savings, and investment.”

Dems May Pursue Innovative Impeachment Finale

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) is said to be contemplating a different procedure for concluding the process of removing President Trump from office now that House Democrats have voted to impeach him. The crux of this different procedure will be to bypass the Senate and ask the American people to convict him.

In internal discussions with her caucus, Pelosi has argued “we can’t trust the Senate to complete the process. McConnell has already expressed disdain for what we’ve done in the House. The broad consensus of the witnesses who testified that in their opinion Trump had abused his power and the clear evidence of obstruction of Congress demonstrated by refusal of the White House to meet our demands has failed to gain traction with the Republicans who control the Senate.”

“Rather than allow the Senators to acquit Trump it is a better strategy to take our case directly to the voters,” Pelosi continued. “Between now and next November the word ‘impeached’ will be relentlessly attached to Trump. The media will assist in communicating this message until the perception that Trump is a criminal who doesn’t deserve to be reelected convinces a majority to vote him out of office.”

Whether the Democratic caucus will accept the strategy laid out by the Speaker is uncertain. Rep. Rashida Tlaib (Mich) characterized Pelosi’s position as “a betrayal. We’ve already impeached the mother f***er. Why hasn’t he been arrested by the FBI?” Rep. Ilhan Omar (Minn) observed that “where I was born, leaders who are out of favor are taken out and shot. Why should a man who was impeached by a majority of the people’s representatives be allowed to defy this resounding vote of no confidence?”

In related news, Reps. Hank Johnson Jr. (D-GA), Sheila Jackson Lee (D-TX), Rashida Tlaib (D-MI), William Lacy Clay (D-MO), Jared Huffman (D-CA), and Jan Schakowsky (D-IL) sent a letter to Attorney General William Barr demanding that he and and United States Attorney John Durham “resign for aiding and abetting President Trump’s obstruction of Congress. While the House has been diligently working to impeach and remove the President, both of you have been taking actions aimed at undermining our efforts. By investigating the patriotic actions of the FBI to prevent this unfit person from becoming president and then trying to entrap him after he eluded their pre-election efforts you have taken sides with tyranny and against democracy.”

Steyer Vows to “Declare a State of Emergency”

Democratic presidential contender billionaire Tom Steyer promised to “declare a state of emergency on day one of my presidency in order to take the drastic steps necessary to prevent climate catastrophe. For too long we have been paralyzed by fear to act. Both Congress and the President have been unable to agree on what steps to take. Some point to the economic destruction that would result from outlawing fossil fuels. Others object to the suppression of individual freedoms we’ve become accustomed to. I will enforce the sacrifices needed to save the planet.”

Among the list of “drastic actions” being contemplated are “the mandatory evacuation of persons living in threatened areas, the elimination of all fossil-fueled activities, and the conscription of laborers to perform the work that outlawed machines have been doing for the last century.”

“Waiting until there is enough voter support behind the needed changes is unfeasible,” Steyer contends. “A visionary leader is required. I am that leader. I am asking voters to give me a mandate to rule by decree until the crisis has passed. Given how far gone the environment is now, it will likely require decades of martial law to rectify the damage done and enforce the new behaviors needed for the planet to heal.”

The more moderate Joe Biden called for policies that would lead to the unemployment of millions in the energy sector, but insisted that “the displaced workers would be shifted over to government jobs promoting regulations that would reduce climate change. Up until the Trump Administration the trend was for the public sector to expand to offset the jobs lost in the private sector. Not only were those jobs cleaner and less exhausting than the private sector jobs, they were also higher-paying. The next Democratic administration will restore that pre-Trump trend.”

Wakanda No Longer a US Trade Partner

This week, the Department of Agriculture removed the Kingdom of Wakanda from its list of trade partners. Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif) denounced the removal, calling it “racist. Trump and his cronies are undermining the positive steps that President Obama took to bring that amazingly advanced but reclusive African nation into the sphere of global economic activity.”

“I find it especially offensive that while Trump has been willing to confine his actions against our global enemy China to the imposition of tariffs, he has ordered his henchmen to totally disqualify a prosperous nation led by Blacks from any commerce with us,” Waters complained. “It’s a good thing that Speaker Pelosi has held back the impeachment articles because when we come back in January I will make a motion to include this egregious example of racial discrimination as a third article of our impeachment referral.”

Meanwhile, despite the lack of trade with Wakanda, the US economy has reached a level of prosperity not seen since 2001. Across the political spectrum, 91% of Republicans and 62% of independents judged the current economy as “good,” while only 47% of Democrats had a similar opinion—results that Waters characterized as “racist. The Trump economy is only good for people who want jobs. The Administration has been implementing policies to force able-bodied welfare recipients who would rather not work to take jobs. This is the worst kind of racism we have seen from government in decades.”

Warren Decries Trump’s Cruelty Toward Kittens

While there is no evidence that President Trump has ever harmed a kitten, Democratic presidential hopeful Sen. Elizabeth Warren (Mass) alleges that “Donald Trump would step on a cute little kitten to get what he wants. I have never done that. I would never do that. That’s why I’d be a better president than him.”

Warren bolstered her contention by citing “how cruelly Trump has treated the affable, but doddering former Vice-President Joe Biden. Joe may not always know where he is or that extorting a foreign government to help out his son is wrong, but he doesn’t deserve to be mocked as Trump has mocked him. Calling attention to a political opponent’s deficiencies is unfair. If he is willing to do that to Joe, I think he’d be willing to kick a cat that was in his way.”

In related news, Warren mocked presidential rival Mayor Pete Buttigieg at the 6th Democratic presidential debate for “hobnobbing with millionaires in a wine cave” at a fund-raising event in Napa Valley, California. The Mayor returned fire by accusing Warren of “issuing purity tests you cannot yourself pass” and reminding everyone that he was “the only Democrat in the debate who is not a millionaire.”

Ginsburg Says Senators May Be Disqualified to Vote on Impeachment

Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg says that US Senators who are not impartial can be disqualified from participating in a vote to convict or acquit President Trump in an impeachment trial.

“A number of Republican senators have already expressed opinions about the House articles of impeachment,” Ginsburg said. “Allegations asserting that ‘abuse of power’ or ‘obstruction of congress’ are not impeachable crimes shows bias that should lead to ejection from the jury that will decide on the verdict. This stands in stark contrast to the 230 votes in the House affirming that these acts are crimes and the overwhelming testimony of witnesses in whose opinion the President did commit crimes. I would expect Chief Justice Roberts who is the one who will preside over the trial to exclude any senators who have publicly rejected this evidence from being allowed to vote on whether to convict the President for these crimes.”

Rep. James Clyburn (D-SC) said he concurred with Ginsburg’s view. “I say, let’s give him a fair trial and hang him. That’s the only way we’ll avoid the kind of kangaroo court farce that the Republicans would give us.”

Rep. Jackie Speier (D-Calif) called on Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell “to recuse himself. In fact, any prospective juror who has an affiliation with the accused should be barred from being on the jury. I think, that would require every Republican—members of the same political Party as the President—to be prohibited from participating in the trial.”

AOC Says Choice in Health Care “Unwanted”

Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) dismissed complaints that the “medicare for all” plan she supports would eliminate freedom to choose one’s own doctor.

“The so-called freedom the Republicans are trying to force on everyone is actually an unwanted burden for most people,” she contended. “Few people know enough to choose wisely. Eliminating the need to choose as the universal medicare for all that Sen Sanders proposes and I support delivers a much more valuable freedom from responsibility. Letting government experts determine who should receive what treatment and from which doctor will lead to better results than relying on ignorant and hapless individuals to make such decisions.”

The Congresswoman argued that “the maternalistic model we are striving to implement will restore the kind of freedom that each person had as a child when parents decided when to take them to the doctor and paid for their treatment. In an ideal world, all of life’s necessities would be provided by the government. No one would have to worry about paying for anything. Each person would do the jobs assigned to them by a government that knows how to best distribute the work required to meet the collective needs of society.”

Schumer Calls Clinton & Trump Impeachments “Totally Different Situation”

“The case against President Clinton was completely unwarranted,” claimed Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY). “The sexual harassment he engaged in and the perjury he committed to try to cover it up did not pose the same level of threat to our democracy as the election of Donald Trump did in 2016. As we have seen from the Horowitz report and testimony, many heroes of our intelligence agencies engaged in a desperate effort to prevent Trump’s election. This by itself should tell everyone that Trump is worse.”

“In 1994, after 40 years of Democrat supremacy, voters wrongly turned the House over to Republican control,” Schumer explained. “Republicans abused this new control by objecting to the sort of sexual liaisons that many presidents had previously exploited. For example, no one begrudged JFK’s escapades, not even his dalliance with a girl friend of a mobster. Yet, the GOP became unglued over Clinton’s relationship with Monica Lewinsky even though his prior track record in Arkansas should have led people to expect this kind of harmless behavior. Granted, he shouldn’t have lied about it, especially under oath, but he was only trying to avoid embarrassment. He wouldn’t have had to lie if it weren’t for the semen-stained dress. That he was impeached for that was shameful.”

“There were GOP majorities in congress while George Bush was president,” Schumer went on. “This prevented Democrats from taking revenge. Finally, in 2018 the stars properly aligned to give our Party the chance to get even. Democrats regained control in the House with a Republican president. Trump is no ordinary Republican. He has relentlessly pursued an agenda that if allowed to succeed could condemn Democrats to minority status for decades. Throwing Democrats into the minority is an abuse of presidential power. No other Republican president has ever attempted this. Resisting House efforts to impeach and remove him is obstruction of congress. For these high crimes it is of the utmost importance that Trump be convicted and ousted from office. We will not stop until this outcome is achieved.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Nadler Says Elections ‘Unreliable’

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

House Judiciary Committee Chairman Jerry Nadler (D-NY) rejected arguments that we should allow the upcoming 2020 election to decide who will be president. “Elections are unreliable,” Nadler said. “We all saw what happened in 2016. Despite the heroic efforts by the FBI described in the Horowitz report, Donald Trump, with the aid of the Russians, managed to dupe enough strategically positioned voters to snatch victory away from the majority’s preferred candidate: Hillary Clinton. We cannot sit idly by and allow this to happen again.”

“We need to find our way to a better method of selecting who shall govern,” Nadler suggested. “The first step in a better method is to undo the error made in 2016. Impeaching Trump will accomplish this first step. Our hearings have compiled a damning case of abuse of power and obstruction of Congress against him. The best model we have for the appropriate exercise of power by a president was demonstrated by President Obama. Trump has strayed far from this model. That alone is sufficient to constitute abuse. That Trump has fought our three year effort to oust him is prima facie proof of his obstruction of Congress.”

“I am aware that the Republican controlled Senate may ignore its duty to convict and remove Trump from office,” Nadler acknowledged. “However, it is our hope that such a dereliction of duty will cause patriotic voters to rise up and oust these feckless officeholders as well as the criminal they would shield from punishment. Then with Democrats in full control of the presidency and both houses of Congress the restoration of the idyllic era initiated by President Obama can resume its thousand year reign.”

Buttigieg Alleges Sexual Harassment by Trump

Democratic presidential contender South Bend, Indiana Mayor Pete Buttigieg leveled a charge of sexual harassment against President Trump. The basis of the allegation was Trump’s assertion at a campaign rally that “I dream about him.”

“As a gay man I find this both frightening and annoying,” Buttigieg complained. “It violates my constitutional right against cruel and unusual punishment. My wife Chasten is extremely disturbed and now refuses to sleep with me. That Trump would do this to me is the lowest of low blows and further marks him as unfit for office.”

Gore Advises Dems to Run on “Green New Deal”

Former Vice-President and self-anointed environmental expert Al Gore urged that “any Democrat who wants to be elected president in 2020 must come out strongly in favor of the ‘Green New Deal.’ With less than 12 years to go before the planet burns up due to global climate change we need a leader who will save us from catastrophe.”

“The Republican stance of freely allowing individuals to ignore the potential consequences of their climate wrecking behaviors has to be stopped,” Gore insisted. “We need a government that has the strength of character to crack down on the irresponsible uses of freedom that undermine the collective well being of humanity. Only directives from the government are powerful enough to whip everyone onto line in time to avert disaster.”

Thus far, former Vice-President Joe Biden, Sen. Bernie Sanders (Vt), Sen. Elizabeth Warren (Mass), and Mayor Pete Buttigieg (South Bend, Indiana) have endorsed a Green New Deal dictatorship aimed at preventing future climate change.

NY State Faces $6 Billion Deficit

The gap between revenues and expenditures for the New York State Government is projected to exceed $6 billion for next year. The preferred option of raising taxes to cover the shortfall has had the unpleasant effect of driving many wealthier residents to leave the state. The disdained option of cutting expenditures has resulted in the soaring welfare expenditures that comprise two-thirds of the shortfall.

Assembly Speaker Carl Heastie (D-Bronx) vows to “resist any cuts to the benefits of the voters who gave Democrats control of all branches of the government” and “to extract the wealth unfairly accumulated by the tax-dodging upper class.”

In addition to increasing income tax rates, Heastie has suggested that “we deter flight by levying an exit tax on those trying to escape their social obligation to share their money with the less fortunate. I am told that Germany successfully used such an exit tax back in the 1930s. The surge in government revenue from that tax allowed them to spend their way out of the Great Depression and become a global power.”

Clinton Slams UK Election Results

Unsuccessful presidential candidate former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton slammed the victory of Conservative Boris Johnson in this week’s elections in the United Kingdom, saying “it’s sad to see the British succumb to the same mistake we did in 2016 when Russia colluded with Trump to thwart the will of the voters and elect Trump.”

“Like he did for us in 2016, former MI6 agent Christopher Steele compiled a dossier proving that Johnson, like Trump, is a Putin stooge,” Clinton said. “I would have thought that the obviously Russian name ‘Boris’ would have been enough to persuade voters that Johnson couldn’t be trusted to govern. It’s tragic that Steele’s dossier on Johnson wasn’t released for publication prior to the vote that gave his Party a majority in the House of Commons.”

A possible explanation for not publishing the dossier is that libel laws are stricter in the UK than in the United States. In the US, any rumor, any unsubstantiated allegation, any lie can be published without penalty unless the victim can prove intentional malice on the part of the media. Publishers acting out of malice are not likely to admit it nor to leave a paper trail proving it. Consequently, we still see House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) asserting that Trump is a Putin tool even after the $35 million Mueller investigation found no proof of such an allegation. In today’s America Pelosi and the media are free to slander and libel anyone they please with no fear of having to face a consequence.

In related news, former President Bill Clinton praised “the House’s heroic impeachment effort to correct the 2016 election results. If the Senate does its job and convicts Trump, Hillary is ready to assume the job the majority of voters awarded her on November 8, 2016.”

Gov Warns 2nd Amendment Sanctuary Cities

Now that the Virginia State Legislature and the Governorship are under solid Democrat control, steps are underway to infringe on citizens’ rights to bear arms. More than 80 local governments—cities and counties—have declared themselves “Second Amendment sanctuaries.” Democrats are calling for punitive action against “these outlaws.”

Rep. Donald McEachin (D-Richmond) suggested “cutting off state aid to sanctuary jurisdictions” or “maybe calling out National Guard troops to suppress those rebelling against State authority. Gov. Ralph Northam took what he termed “a more nuanced approach. If these scofflaws won’t comply with gun control regulations I’ll sit down with legislative leaders and have a discussion. If there is a consensus that a right to bear arms should be resuscitated, we’ll leave them be. However, if it is decided that this right should be terminated we can send in troops to seize the rebels’ firearms.”

Following the Governor’s remarks the number of local jurisdictions declaring themselves Second Amendment sanctuaries rose to more than 90.

Media Pundit Unlooses Ignorant Rant

Following the release of the Department of Justice Inspector General’s report detailing the FBI’s covert efforts to conspire with the media to prevent the election of Donald Trump as president and to undermine his Administration, Fox News’ Chris Wallace asserted that “I believe that President Trump is engaged in the most direct, sustained assault on freedom of the press in our history. He has done everything he can to undercut the media to try and delegitimize us. He has been more hostile to freedom of the press than any other president.”

The fact that Wallace’s contention is contradicted by history bolster’s Trump’s argument that the media can’t be trusted to objectively report the news. Back in the 1790s, President John Adams supported a Sedition Act that led to shutting down newspapers and jailing critics of his Administration. During the 1860s President Abraham Lincoln shut down more than 300 newspapers and jailed numerous critics. More recently, President Barack Obama authorized spying on reporters who wrote stories he didn’t like.

In contrast, Trump hasn’t shut down any media outlets, spied on any reporters, or jailed any of his critics. All he has done is speak out against what he deems unfair news reporting. He, unlike some of his predecessors, has acted within the bounds of the First Amendment—exercising his freedom of speech to disagree with the media without interfering with their freedom to vilify him.

Bizarrely, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) contends that “the media are Trump’s accomplices because all they do is enable him. Time after time they let him speak on camera. This allows viewers to see and hear him for themselves without the needed editing that could so easily be provided to filter out his lies. The media have the power to completely control how voters perceive him. Not using that power as they should will be something we’ll have to fix once our Party controls all the branches of government.”

Warren Chides Biden and Buttigieg

Now that she has fallen behind in the polls, Democratic presidential hopeful Sen. Elizabeth Warren (Mass) is denouncing “the bourgeois counterrevolutionaries who say they will work with Republicans to craft compromise solutions to the nation’s problems.” The two she mentioned by name are former Vice-President Joe Biden and South Bend, Indiana Mayor Pete Buttigieg.

“There can be no ‘common ground’ with reactionaries,” Warren contends. “We cannot unite the country by diluting our socialist program for America’s future. Those who are not fully on-board with the transformation begun by President Obama cannot be part of the governing coalition following the November elections. They must be isolated, neutralized, and, if necessary trampled into the ground lest they impede our push for collectivization.”

Warren contended that “both Biden and Buttigieg are capitalists in disguise. Buttigieg actually worked in the private sector for management consulting firm McKinsey & Co. That is not the behavior of a true social justice warrior. And while Biden has never stooped as low, he has used his position in government to extract money from corporations for himself and members of his family. While I have received some money from practicing law, I view that income as my share of the reparations this country owes to us Native Americans for centuries of mistreatment.”

Dem Says Trump Must Be Impeached “Because of Slavery”

Though neither President Trump nor any of his ancestors has ever been shown to have owned a slave, Rep. Al Green (D-Texas) demands that he be impeached “to heal the wounds slavery inflicted on blacks. I know a lot of whites like to point out that some of their kind—President Lincoln and Union troops, for example—fought and died to end slavery. But that doesn’t absolve them of guilt for the suffering that blacks still endure to this day.”

“Recently, President Trump has personally contributed to black suffering by requiring able-bodied recipients of welfare to do some work in exchange for their benefits,” Green complained. “This work requirement infringes on the freedom to live without having to toil that my people are owed for the hundreds of years of servitude imposed on our ancestors. After whites have endured hundreds of years of working to support the payment of these earned benefits, then we can talk about equality.”

AOC Proposes Family Leave Reform

Irked that there is a wide variation among the “family leave” policies practiced by different employers, Rep, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) recommended “we take a lesson from how we treat puppies. Typically, puppies stay with their mother for eight weeks before being put up for adoption. I think we should treat humans as well as we treat dogs.”

AOC is reported to be working on a bill that mandates employers to provide a minimum of eight weeks paid family leave, spaying, neutering, or euthanizing the offspring—whichever best promotes the general welfare promise of our Constitution, and determining whether each child would be returned to the family of origin or offered for adoption.

“The system we have now is so random,” she pointed out. “My bill addresses some of the glaring defects that need fixing. The family of origin will have eight weeks of uninterrupted time with each newborn. Unless government authorities decide otherwise, each child will be sterilized to help reduce the future human impact on the environment. And if the family of origin is deemed unfit to raise a child it will be placed for adoption by more suitable parents.”

In related news, AOC announced her support for decriminalizing the use of psychedelic drugs. “I have found them to be very helpful stimulants for generating progressive ideas on social justice,” she boasted. “I think if more people used them we’d speed up the pace toward a socialist America.”

Former FBI Lawyer Sues for Invasion of Privacy

Lisa Page, former FBI lawyer and paramour of FBI agent Peter Strzok, has filed suit against the Department of Justice for invasion of privacy. The “invasion” was the public release of texts and emails between her and Strzok, including those that discussed their participation in the plot against Trump that was carried out by the FBI.

“There were dozens of FBI employees plotting against Trump,” Page said. “Extramarital affairs were perks widely accepted at the Agency. Singling out my affair and evidence of my participation in the conspiracy was discriminatory. I will not stand for being made the lone scapegoat in the operation.”

Former FBI Director James Comey chastized Page for “using her government-issued cell phone to conduct what should have been confidential communications. That was stupid. The Agency policy has always been to use ‘burner phones’ for all illegal operations and illicit sexual liaisons.”

Strzok says he may join Page’s suit “because the publication of my conversations has harmed both my marriage and career by giving the impression that I am unusually untrustworthy. In truth, I am no worse than most of my former superiors at the Agency.”

In related news, current FBI Director Christopher Wray vowed to prevent future scandals by “increasing our employees’ pay so they can afford the added expense of buying burner phones to aid in the concealment of any future illicit covert operations.”

Kentucky Gov Restores Voting Rights to 100,000 Felons

Newly elected Governor Andy Beshear (D-Ky) has signed an executive order restoring the voting rights of over 100,000 of the state’s convicted felons. “A truly representative government must include the votes of everyone, that includes criminals,” Beshear said. “That’s why one of my first acts as governor must be to welcome these people into the voting booths.”

The governor also cited the discriminatory impact that barring felons from voting has had. “A quarter of the African-American adults in our state are convicted felons,” Beshear observed. “A policy that bars former prisoners from voting has racist impacts. A person’s preferred lifestyle or career choice should not be used as an excuse to exclude him from the franchise, especially when it has a disparate impact on a racial minority.”

In related news, Democrats in the House of Representatives overwhelmingly rejected a GOP proposal to include a clause in HR-1 stating that “allowing illegal immigrants the right to vote devalues the franchise and diminishes the voting power of United States citizens.” House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) explained that “voting is a human right. Illegal immigrants are humans. Therefore, they should have the right to vote.”

Comey Says Horowitz Report “Vindicates Me”

Former FBI Director James Comey enthusiastically greeted the release of DOJ Inspector General Michael Horowitz’s report on the FBI’s plot against Trump, saying “it vindicates me. A close reading of the document shows that everything we did was with the full blessing of President Obama. He was the Commander-in-Chief. We at the FBI were merely following his orders.”

“I’m hoping that President Obama will now come forward and admit his guiding role in our operation,” Comey said. “That would save a lot of his loyal followers from potential prosecution and punishment. It would be the noble thing to do and wouldn’t cost him anything because as former President Nixon pointed out, ‘when the president does something, that means that it is not illegal.’ On top of that, no prosecutor would dare file charges against him for fear of being called a racist.”

Biden Blames Staff for Extortion

Former Vice-President, and current front runner for the Democratic 2020 presidential nomination, Joe Biden now blames his staff for his threat to withhold aid from Ukraine if they didn’t fire the prosecutor investigating the company paying his son more than $80,000 a month for a “no show” job.

“I’m no legal eagle,” Biden admitted. “I’m more of a ‘hands-on’ type of guy with sexy, blond leg hair. How was I to know that threatening the president of Ukraine was actually a crime? I mean, c’mon man. Ukraine is a place where everybody is corrupt. How can I be blamed for ‘going native’ there?’

In a bid to reassure American voters he can be trusted not to do it again, Biden promised that if he’s elected president “I will prohibit members of my family from getting involved in any foreign business dealings unless they absolutely need the money to pay child support or something equally important.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Pelosi Compares Clinton and Trump Impeachments

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) contrasted “the unwarranted impeachment of President Clinton” with “the need to remove the most dangerous man to ever hold the office. Granted, Clinton behaved stupidly, but many presidents have been stupid without posing the kind of existential threat to democracy that Trump does. A smart man is far more dangerous to democracy than a dumb one.”

“Going back to the very beginning of his campaign Trump demonstrated a cleverness beyond the norms of modern politics,” Pelosi explained. “His winning against every recognized expert’s prediction raised a red warning to all correct thinkers. His policies spurring a roaring economy that has especially benefited minorities by increasing their access to jobs and earned income have overthrown a consensus that has stood since LBJ’s Great Society broadened the welfare state first begun by FDR. Clearly, Trump is outside the bounds of what is acceptable in a chief executive officer of the federal government. It is imperative that we bring him down not only to stop him from committing further objectionable acts, but as an example to any future imitators.”

In a tweet, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton hailed Pelosi’s determination to press ahead with Trump’s impeachment “because in the United States no one is above the law.” Clinton dismissed responding tweets pointing out that she had violated the law by destroying subpoenaed evidence of her misuse of classified government documents, claiming that “since I was the nation’s last line of defense trying to prevent a Trump presidency my actions were motivated by a patriotism that many regard as heroic.”

Though the odds of removing Trump from office via the current impeachment effort seem slim, Rep. Al Green (D-Tex) pointed out that “there is no limit to the number of times the House can impeach a president. If we can increase the number of Democrats in the House and Senate in the upcoming election I think the odds for success will improve. Whether we do actually reach a point where he is removed from office or not, there are political benefits from continuing to focus on impeachment. At the very least we can prevent any legislation that would enable his policies to gain ground or increase their effectiveness.”

In related news, three psychiatrists—Yale Medical School Professor Dr Bandy Lee, George Washington University Professor Dr John Zinner, and former CIA profiler Dr Jerrold Post—volunteered to testify at the House Judicial Committee impeachment hearing “because we are concerned that the imminent prospect of Trump’s removal from office is making him more unstable than normal. This, in our opinion means that Trump must be ousted before his mental disturbance leads to action that might thwart those working to save the world from his depredations against humanity.” The trio claim to have a petition with more than 350 signatures from mental health professionals endorsing their conclusions.

Harming Canada May Be Added to List of Charges Against Trump

The latest jobs reports for the United States showing that unemployment is at a 50-year low were cited by House Judiciary Committee Chairman Jerry Nadler (D-NY) in his contention that “not only has President Trump cruelly mistreated Ukraine. His economic policies have stolen jobs that might otherwise have gone to Canada. The two million new jobs added in 2019 under Trump’s ‘America first’ obsession are making it hard on Canada—so much so that during this period only 26,000 new jobs have been created there. And the trend is getting worse. In November the US added 266,000 jobs, but Canada actually lost 71,000 jobs. This is so unfair as to warrant an additional charge in our impeachment indictment.”

A series of Trump tweets labeled Nadler’s reasoning “addled” and called the charge “a further demonstration of the Democrats’ insanity. I have no monopoly on sound economic policy. Any country can learn from my example of unleashing a flood of investment from the private sector. If Trudeau had put as much energy into improving the business climate in Canada as he has into mocking me or dressing up in black face his country’s economy would be doing much better.”

Yovanovitch Says Giuliani’s Investigation Validates Her Testimony

According to former Ambassador of the United States to Ukraine Marie Yovanovitch, Rudy Giuliani’s investigative effort that discovered more than five billion dollars of US aid to Ukraine had been misused “backs up what I testified to in the Schiff impeachment hearing. The public disclosure of this corruption deviates from longstanding US policy toward Ukraine.”

“It’s not as if the Obama Administration was unaware of where the money was going,” Yovanovitch said. “It was our explicit policy to keep that under wraps. That’s why we discouraged the Ukraine police and prosecutor from investigating it. And that’s why Vice-President Biden had to give the former Ukraine President Viktor Yanukovych instructions to fire the prosecutor who refused to drop his inquiries.”

“Inasmuch as Trump—an illegitimate president—was endeavoring to undermine the policy put in place by his Nobel Prize winning predecessor, it was the unanimous opinion of all of us professionals that he was abusing power and had to be stopped. It is gratifying to see that the House will be going ahead with the plan to remove the dangerously disruptive Trump from office.”

Sanders Says Abortion “a Constitutional Right”

Contender for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vt) raised the ante against his rival extremist contenders by asserting “abortion is a constitutional right. It’s right there in the Eighth Amendment clear as day—no cruel punishments may be inflicted. Laws barring women from getting an abortion at any stage of pregnancy are compelling them to provide nearly 20 years of child care. This violates the Thirteenth Amendment’s prohibition of involuntary servitude.”

“On top of this individual right of every woman there is also the collective obligation to reduce the surplus population that is so devastating to the environment,” Sanders added. “Let’s not kid ourselves or mince words. Every abortion extinguishes an unwanted augmentation to the surplus population. It is a more efficient and less messy method than having to cull undesirable individuals from the herd when the environmental damages have become so acute that it’s our only option.”

Meanwhile, rival contender Sen. Elizabeth Warren (Mass) dismissed objections to late term abortions as “overblown. The number of late term pregnancies ended by abortion is only about 1.3% per year. That’s fewer than 12,000 surplus lives extinguished. More adults are murdered each year. Sadly, a lot of these murders are committed by children who should have been aborted.”

Biden Predicts Recession If He’s Elected

Former Vice-President Joe Biden predicted that governing the country once he is elected president “may be difficult. The runaway prosperity that Trump has embroiled the country in will be hard to undo. Business investment plans predicated on low taxes and looser regulations will see the handwriting on the wall after the votes are counted and I’ve won. They’ll rush to move money outside our borders and start laying off workers before I can be inaugurated and stop them with an Executive Order.”

“Thankfully, there is a bright side to an economic recession,” Biden argued. “There’ll be less pollution, not only from closing smoke-belching factories, but also from lower traffic as unemployed workers won’t have to drive to jobs. The cleaner air will have widespread health benefits. Newly unemployed persons can devote more time to getting fit like I have since early 2017. In fact, once voters grasp that I can do more push-ups than Trump they’ll chuck that bloated blimp aside and put a real man in the White House.”

In related news, Biden blew his top at a stop on his “no malarkey” tour of Iowa when a prospective supporter raised the issue of Biden bragging about firing a Ukraine prosecutor who just happened to be investigating a company that was paying his son one million dollars a year for a “no show” job. Joe deftly rebutted the questioner’s concerns by pointing out that he was “a damn liar,” “fat,” and “too old to vote.” The would-be next president concluded his effort at winning the 83-year-old man’s vote by challenging him to an IQ test and asking him to “feel my muscles.”

Oddly enough, this episode was the decisive factor inspiring former Secretary of State John Kerry’s endorsement of Biden for president. “I believe Joe Biden is the President our country desperately needs right now,” Kerry alleged. “The way he was able to help his beleaguered son make millions after he was dishonorably discharged from the Navy was impressive. With the broader power of a president there’s no telling how many more sons of important people he could help.” Kerry says he “will be reporting for duty on the next leg of Joe’s ‘no malarkey tour.’”

Senator Objects to Making Able-Bodied Work for Food Stamps

The Trump Administration plan to put 700,000 able-bodied recipients between the ages of 18 and 49 enrolled in the government’s Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP) to work drew strenuous objections from Sen. Patty Murray (D-WA). The planned work requirement is projected to save taxpayers $5 billion over 10 years.

“It’s hard to see this as anything but the President being cruel for cruelty’s sake,” Murray complained. “The people targeted may be able-bodied, but why should they be forced to sacrifice the leisure they became accustomed to when they got the food with no strings attached? Eating is a human right. To strip this right away in order to save taxpayers a few bucks is an abuse of power that has won my vote for his impeachment if it ever gets to the Senate.”

The “few bucks” disparaged by Murray add up to more than $45,000 per year in government benefits for every household in the bottom 20% of income in the United States. Secretary of Agriculture Sonny Perdue defended the requirement, saying “I strongly disagree with the Senator’s reasoning. The greatest cost of government welfare is its destruction of the kind of self-respect that comes from making a positive contribution to one’s own well-being. The abilities of millions of human beings have been allowed to atrophy in lives of idleness that too often lead to crime and depravity. The modest work requirement we are instituting offers an opportunity to escape the destructive cycle of welfare dependency.”

Buttigieg Has Plan to Curb Illegal Immigration

In a bid for Latino votes, Democratic presidential candidate South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg proposed that “we end the artificial immigration crisis by returning the land stolen from Mexico by US aggression during the mid 1800s. It’s unconscionable that the Trump Administration is persecuting Mexicans who are only trying to recover their own stolen property.”

“If California, Nevada, Arizona, New Mexico, and Texas were to be ceded back to Mexico there would be no incentive for Latinos to try to illegally enter the United States,” Buttigieg claimed. “And all of the buildings Americans erected on the stolen lands could be expropriated by the Mexican government for the benefit of the Mexican people.”

Acting Secretary of Homeland Security Chad Wolf called the Buttigieg proposal “ill-conceived. First, the land in question was not stolen from Mexico. Texas successfully fought for independence from Mexico in 1836 and later petitioned to become a state. In 1848 after the Mexican-American War the US Government paid Mexico for the rest of the remaining states mentioned by the Mayor.”

“Second, the main accomplishment of the redrawing of the border north of where it is now wouldn’t be a solution for illegal immigration into the United States,” Wolf said. “It would just move the invaders closer to the heartland of the United States. The current residents of the ceded land would be subjected to the whims of a corrupt Mexican government. Those living near the new border on the US side would be on the new front lines of the invasion from the south. I don’t think American voters would approve of Buttigieg’s plan if he said it in English to a more ethnically diversified audience.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Bloomberg Defends Tax Hikes on the Poor

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Seeking to differentiate himself from what he derided as “the lunatics leading the pack of Democrats trying to become the next president by offering boatloads of free stuff,” former New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg pledged to “be the president that can unify America under my benevolent wing.”

“Consider the poor,” the former Mayor said. “They are poor because they make poor choices. We must ensure that poor choices are discouraged. The simplest way of doing this is to increase the cost by directly taxing poor choices. For example, sugary soft drinks are unhealthy. By slapping higher taxes on their consumption we make them less affordable and achieve the dual purpose of bringing in more revenue to the government and improving the health of the population.”

“I know I’ve been called a ‘nanny-stater’ for my views on this, but is that really a bad thing?” Bloomberg asked. “Wouldn’t most people benefit if they had a nanny to protect them from their own bad impulses? I’m the only candidate man enough to take on this role. I’m a father. I know how to mold children for their own good. I can do this for everyone in the country if given the chance.”

Rival Democratic hopeful Sen. Elizabeth Warren (Mass) called Bloomberg’s position “exactly wrong. The bad choices poor people make are far less damaging than the bad choices the rich make. The poor aren’t withholding money from those in need. It’s the greedy billionaires who deny the poor a fair share of the wealth they have hoarded for themselves. That is the bad choice we must rectify by expropriating the selfishly held wealth so the government can redistribute it to more deserving people.”

Harris Campaign Flailing

Kelly Mehlenbacher, former state operations director for the Sen. Kamala Harris campaign recently resigned citing “the poorest treatment of staff I have ever seen. A lot of talented people were misused and abused. There is no viable plan for winning.” Oddly, despite Harris’ disastrous leadership of her own campaign, Mehlenbacher illogically maintained in her resignation letter that “I still believe that Senator Harris is the strongest candidate to win in the General Election in 2020.”

Harris herself blames rival Democratic presidential hopeful Rep. Tulsi Gabbard (Hawaii) for the collapse of her polling numbers and the ensuing chaos of her campaign. During one of the debates Gabbard slammed Harris’ hypocrisy of indulging in marijuana use while prosecuting others—mainly minorities—for possessing and smoking the weed. Gabbard also exposed Harris’ pattern of prosecutorial misconduct in withholding exculpatory evidence that could have freed innocent men from prison.

Harris’ response to Gabbard’s criticism was to mock her “lower tier” status among the contenders. Ironically, following that debate Harris, once a self-described “top tier” candidate, plunged to the “lower tier” with only 4 percent of voters saying she is their choice for the nomination.

Judge Bars Requiring Would-be Immigrants to Have Health Insurance

Oregon U.S. Dist. Court Judge Michael Simon issued a nationwide injunction stopping the State Department from requiring foreign nationals to show they will be covered by health insurance within 30 days of entering the country before they can be granted a visa. The Judge rejected the Trump’s Administration’s assertion that the new rule is needed to alleviate the burden on US taxpayers of having to supply immigrants with health care.

“Inasmuch as it is the unanimous opinion of all right thinking individuals that free health care is a human right, we cannot allow Trump’s deviant minority viewpoint to overrule the majority,” Simon wrote in his decision. “Since one of the key motivations for immigrating to the United States is to claim a fair share of the global bounty available to this country’s residents, it would be unjust to deny them the benefit of the free health care that will be provided to all once the current Administration is removed from power.”

White House press secretary Stephanie Grisham pointed out that “Simon’s decision disregards federal law and violates a Supreme Court decision last year recognizing the president’s broad authority to impose such restrictions. We will be appealing his decision and expect that a higher court will obey last year’s Supreme Court ruling.”

Doug Rand, a former White House official under President Obama, chided the White House for being “fixated on the notion that immigrants aren’t entitled to US taxpayers’ resources. This notion was thoroughly debunked by President Obama. He established the principle that US taxpayers have no right to resist sharing their wealth with those less fortunate, especially foreigners.”

China Demands Reparations for Global Pollution

Zhao Yingmin, China’s Vice-Minister of Ecology and Environment, demanded that developed countries pay poor countries the $100 billion in reparations promised by the Paris Accord for the damages done by global pollution. The roster of proposed recipients of this $100 billion includes China. Ironically, China is currently spewing out more pollution than any other country.

The chance for China’s demands being met seem slim since the Trump Administration has withdrawn US participation in the Paris Accord. Nevertheless, Zhao denounced “this unilateral rejection of an agreement made by his predecessor,” labeled Trump’s action “a crime against humanity,” and called efforts to get his country to reduce its pollution “an infringement on our sovereignty.”

FBI Conspirator Boasts of Destroying the Republic

The more that is revealed about the deep state plotters against President Trump the more their loathsomeness is confirmed. We learned that in 2016 then FBI Special Agent Peter Strzok emailed his illicit paramour, FBI lawyer Lisa Page, to reassure her that the Agency had “an insurance policy” designed to undermine a Trump presidency. Then we learned that in January of 2017 Mark Zaid, the attorney for the “whistleblower” that sparked the House impeachment hearings against Trump, tweeted “the coup has begun.” This week, Kevin Clinesmith, the FBI lawyer accused of falsifying the FISA warrant used to authorize spying on the Trump campaign and presidency, texted “I have initiated the destruction of the Republic!” to his illicit paramour, FBI lawyer Sally Moyer.

While the participants in the covert action against the Trump campaign and presidency purport to be the “true patriots,” their electronic trail of words imparts a more sinister objective. Secret police meddling in an election and efforts to conduct a coup and destroy our republican form of government are the kinds of behavior we so justly objected to when carried out by goons in service to the communist dictatorships behind the Iron Curtain. Interestingly, their self-justifications are often couched in terms of “saving our democracy.” Remember, though, that the oppressive communist regimes routinely touted themselves as “people’s democratic republics.”

Head inquisitor of Congress’ anti-Trump efforts, Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif), brushed aside the sinister emails, tweets, and texts, insisting that “all they show is the noble intent of those in our intelligence agencies against a man representing the most serious threat in our nation’s history. Similar comments were made by our nation’s leaders during the fight to defeat the Nazis. They deserve our gratitude, not the kind of undeserved scrutiny that Trump and his fellow criminals are trying to inflict on them.”

Meanwhile, over in the Senate, self-professed “undecided and impartial prospective impeachment juror” Sen. Chris Coons (D-Del) says he “will carefully weigh the evidence,” but lamented “the disheartening lack of votes for conviction and removal of President Trump.” Coons contends that “the direct evidence quoting the President as refusing a ‘quid pro quo’ does not outweigh the testimony of the diplomatic witnesses who say that their perception was that a ‘quid pro quo’ was what they thought he wanted. The fact that 95% of the media agrees with this perception is, in my opinion, a pretty definitive demonstration of guilt.”

Buttigieg May Name Kaepernick as Running Mate

Now that he’s leading in the polls in Iowa and New Hampshire Democratic presidential contender South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg is reported to be mulling over possible running mates. Rumored front runner is former National Football League quarterback Colin Kaepernick.

“Kaepernick is a man of unrivaled courage,” Buttigieg said. “His willingness to kneel while thousands of others stood for the National Anthem was beyond brave. It cost him his job and millions of dollars. That’s a far higher price than any other protester has paid. I think voters who believe in justice would relish the opportunity to elect him as my vice-president.”

In an effort to curry favor with the Buttigieg campaign, Kaepernick, while participating in an Unthanksgiving Day celebration in San Francisco on Thursday, took the opportunity to blast the US Government for “stealing over 1.5 billion acres of land from the Indians. It’s time we evict all the non-indigenous inhabitants squatting on this stolen land and send them back where they came from.”

Nadler Invites Trump to Participate in Hearing

House Judiciary Committee Chairman Jerrold Nadler (D-NY) extended an invitation for President Trump to participate in his upcoming impeachment hearing.

“We will be following the same protocols that were used in Rep. Schiff’s hearing,” Nadler reminded. “Republicans may request that certain witnesses be asked to testify, but I will decide whether any specific witness will be called. Republicans will be allotted a limited amount of time to pose questions, but I will determine whether the witnesses will be permitted to respond. Republicans will be responsible for supplying the Committee members with donuts, but I will be in charge of how they are distributed.”

Mexico Warns Trump Not to Attack Drug Cartels

Mexico’s President Andres Manuel Lopez Obrador warned President Trump against taking military action against the vicious drug and human smuggling cartels that control the Mexican side of the United States’ southern border. “These cartels reside on our sovereign soil,” he pointed out. “Therefore, it is our prerogative to decide what to do about them.”

“The situation is more complicated than Mr. Trump’s simplistic observation that the cartels murder people,” Lopez said. “Generally, murder is a bad thing. On the other hand, these cartels bring a lot of US dollars into our country and that is a good thing. Trying to prevent the murders would be expensive and probably futile. Disrupting the positive cash flow could be devastating to our fragile economy.”

“We can never tolerate the presence of US troops inside our country, but we might be willing to allow President Trump to provide weapons and ammunition for our troops to fight the cartels if he will also agree to replace the lost cash flow with US dollars should we attain victory in this fight,” Lopez suggested.

Trump discounted the Mexican President’s suggestion, calling it “weak. I doubt his troops can be counted on for much. If the President is willing to tolerate the slaughter of men, women, and children because it might bring more cash in from America I don’t see him as a reliable partner in an effort to combat these terrorists. Any weapons we give them would probably end up in the hands of the cartels. Any money we give them would probably be stolen or embezzled. I think our best course will be to finish building the wall and to make sure it is manned by law enforcement and military personnel sufficient to deter or defeat any incursions by cartel thugs.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.