Green New Deal: Time Travel to the Past

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

This week the lunatic caucus of the Democratic Party unveiled its touted “Green New Deal” plan to save the planet. Key features of the plan include putting an end to air travel, eliminating meat from the human diet, rebuilding every human structure, ending carbon emissions, getting rid of fossil-fueled automobiles, and providing a guaranteed income for people unwilling to work.

The plan’s primary architect Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) dismissed criticism contending that her plan is impractical by pointing out that “the sacrifices we are calling for are most certainly feasible. Abraham Lincoln never flew on an airplane. Hitler was a vegetarian. There was a time when every human lived in a cave and all food was consumed raw. Walking is a healthier method of travel than riding in automobiles. And ensuring that everyone is provided for will eradicate the last vestiges of wage-slavery.”

Ocasio-Cortez boasted that “the next president of the United States has already signed on as a backer of my plan.” Sen. Kamala Harris (D-Calif) declared herself “a proud co-sponsor of the Green New Deal” and rivals for the Democratic presidential nomination Sen. Cory Booker (NJ), Sen. Elizabeth Warren (Mass), Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand (NY), Obama Administration Sec. of Housing & Urban Development Julián Castro, and former Rep. Beto O’Rourke (Texas) have also endorsed the plan.

Potential contender former New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg, said that he would propose his own “Greenish New Deal,” which he maintains “is a less pie in the sky and more affordable path to the same basic objective. In my plan we simply outlaw gun ownership by the law-abiding portion of the population and allow the criminal elements of society to cull the human herd.”

Planned Parenthood Pushes “Care for All”

Encouraged by the “courageous and visionary leadership of Governors Andrew Cuomo (D-NY) and Ralph Northam (D-Virginia)” Planned Parenthood (PP) announced a major push for similar legislation in every state.

PP spokesperson Adora Slaughter said “decisive action at the state level is needed to counter the possibility that the next Trump appointee to the Supreme Court tips the balance in favor of undesirable revisions or ‘clarifications’ of the 1973 Roe v. Wade ruling. As we saw from Trump’s State of the Union speech, he is not averse to using lurid language denigrating the medically necessary dismemberment of what he called ‘beautiful babies’ in late term abortions. We cannot supinely await the negative political outcome of such an emotional appeal to abridge a woman’s most precious civil right.”

“We are going on the offensive with a multi-million dollar campaign in more than half the states to expand and enhance abortion rights,” Slaughter bragged. “We are grateful that the half-billion in federal aid we receive each year gives us the financial resources to make our liberating message heard throughout the land.”

Meanwhile, Chief Justice John Roberts joined the four liberal members of the Supreme Court to block enforcement of a Louisiana law requiring that abortion clinics have admitting privileges at nearby hospitals.

“Inasmuch as the new law in New York permits non-doctors to perform abortions it isn’t clear that requiring hospital admitting privileges would be practical,” Roberts said. “Further, since Planned Parenthood’s information and lobbying outreach campaign had not yet been launched before the Louisiana law was enacted, their state legislators were denied the opportunity to hear an important opposing message before they hastily acted.”

Don’t Take “Death to America” Personal

Iran’s Ayatollah Ali Khamenei advised “ordinary Americans” to “not take the ‘death to America’ slogan personal. It is aimed at your country’s leaders—Trump, Pompeo, Bolton and the like. They are the ones we demand be killed. Commoners would be judged on a case-by-case basis. As long as they have not committed any crimes against Islamic law, obey their Islamic rulers, and either convert or pay the jizya and feel themselves subdued most will probably survive.”

Khamenei also warned Europeans “to not get too uppity. Just because we do not chant death to France or Germany, for example, doesn’t mean we are pleased with their actions. France, as a case in point, has been unfairly interfering with Muslims rioting in the streets against the depraved behavior of French women walking around looking like whores in revealing clothing, naked faces, arms, and legs and with no male relative chaperon them. Raping these whores, burning their cars, and vandalizing the businesses they frequent are mild consequences compared to the ‘honor killings’ imposed on Muslim women for lesser offenses against the Prophet’s commands.”

Trump Blamed for Virginia Dems’ Blackface Scandal

What started out as an attempt to divert attention from Virginia Gov. Ralph Northam’s casual endorsement of infanticide during a radio show by hyping the discovery of a photo of a person in black face make-up standing next to another person wearing a Ku Klux Klan hood, mask and cloak in Eastern Virginia Medical School’s 1984 yearbook has turned into a scandal exposing top Democrats in the state.

At first, Northam tried apologizing, but once he realized that the person in blackface was not him, he denied being either person in the photo and said he didn’t know how the picture got into the yearbook. William Elwood who was a page designer for the yearbook explained that “each student submitted a sealed envelope of photos and other materials intended to appear on his page. At no time since 1984 did Dr. Northam complain about what was on his page.”

After several prominent Virginia Democrats called for Northam’s resignation news emerged that Leiutenant-Governor Justin Fairfax (D), who would succeed him, has been accused of sexually assaulting two women—one at Duke University in 2000 and one at the 2004 Democratic National Convention, and Attorney-General Mark Herring (D) who initially called for Northam’s resignation and is next in the line of succession after Fairfax, has admitted wearing blackface make-up as a teenager in 1980, but maintained “it was something we all did back in those days. No one was ever hurt in any of the simulated lynchings. We were just having a little fun.”

Rep. Al Green (D-Texas) blames President Trump for this “sorry display of bigotry. He contributed to the vile environment that led these young men astray back in the 1980s. Why, just the other night he bragged that his policies have forced a historically high percentage of Blacks off of unemployment and into the workforce. He’s this era’s Simon Legree and proud of it. This is further proof that that man must be impeached and removed from office.”

Booker to Oppose Trump Judicial Nominee

After a series of obnoxious questions probing the breadth and depth of judicial nominee Neomi Rao’s knowledge of the sexual orientation of those who have worked for her at the Office of Information and Regulatory Affairs, Sen. Cory Booker (D-NJ) pronounced her “unqualified to serve on any court.”

“Her publicly admitted ignorance about the sex lives of those she works with reveals a willful refusal to get involved in the most important aspect of modern life,” Booker asserted. “Her claim to be focused on her employees’ competence and performance at their jobs to the exclusion of taking an interest whether they are gay, bi, transgender, or other strikes me as unacceptably narrow and professional. It’s bad enough that she is already a government employee in a supervisory position. It is inconceivable that she should ever be trusted to be a judge.”

“Ms. Rao’s insistence that other people’s sex lives are none of her business runs counter to the kind of progressive society we’re trying to build in America,” the Senator argued. “Ideally, we should be as openly transparent as dogs are when they meet other dogs. They don’t feign disinterest. They get right down to sniffing each other’s hindquarters. If we were as honest as dogs we’d all admit that this is what we’d like to do ourselves. A person like Rao is clearly feigning disinterest. This type of dishonesty makes her unfit to be a judge.”

Maduro Repels US Interference in Venezuela’s Weight Loss Program
Efforts by the United States to send food to starving Venezuelans were blocked by order of President Nicolas Maduro. “Our policies have enabled our citizens to lose an average of more than 40 lbs. each over the past two years,” he boasted. “We have achieved objectives that the morbidly obese Americans envy and resent.”

“The key is to remove the opportunity to eat,” Maduro explained. “The ’empty stores’ initiative we implemented largely accomplished this goal. It has also had the salutary added benefit of getting our people to eat garbage and keep almost all of the country’s edible waste from going to waste. This has made us more efficient and has helped clean up our environment.”

Opposition leader Juan Guaidó denounced Maduro’s refusal to let the food aid through, saying that “hundreds of thousands are on the verge to starving to death without it. We had hoped that the Army would side with the people and disobey his orders to blockade the food aid, but they have so far sided with Maduro because he lets them murder whoever they want.”

NY Guv Considering Supporting Construction of a Wall

Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D-NY) is reported to be leaning toward supporting the construction of a wall around his state’s borders. “We are facing a major fiscal crisis,” he said. “Our state’s high tax rates have encouraged many of our highest earning residents to move to other states. We may need a wall to impede further attempts to escape paying these taxes.”

Cuomo is said to be impressed by the Berlin Wall’s long period of success in deterring those living in Communist East Germany from escaping to capitalist West Germany in the nearly three decades of its existence following its 1961 construction. Made of basic concrete blocks, bolstered with razor wire and manned by well-armed guards, it prevented nearly 100 percent of those trying to leave from succeeding.
NY State Assembly Speaker Carl Heastie (D-Bronx) said he shares the Governor’s concerns, but wondered if a wall, per se was the best approach. “If we build a wall wouldn’t that undermine our Party’s objection to Trump’s wall on the Mexican border?” Heastie wondered. “Wouldn’t pre-dawn raids on the homes of residents suspected of planning to flee be more effective? The element of surprise and the sense of terror such raids would instill strikes me as a more flexible option than a static wall. Besides, while we’re there we could just seize whatever money or other items of value might be lying around.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Decline in Shark Attacks Assailed

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

The latest report from the International Shark Attack File indicates that shark attacks on humans in 2018 declined by more than 20 percent from 2017 figures. Director of the Florida Museum of Natural History’s shark research program Gavin Naylor called the decrease “unusual. It may be because there are fewer sharks or maybe humans are being more cautious.”

US Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) cited the decrease as “frightening evidence of the devastating impact of unchecked climate change. Warming waters are making sharks more lethargic and less capable of fulfilling their role as apex predators atop the food chain. Unless we eliminate fossil-based fuels this baleful trend will likely continue to disrupt the environmental balance.”

Delegate Kathy Tran (D-Springfield), author of a bill that would legalize post-birth abortions in the State of Virginia, apologized for overlooking the human threat to sharks in her companion bill to protect canker worms and gypsy moths from human efforts to exterminate them. “Just because these creatures destroy forests doesn’t give us the right to practice genocide against them,” Tran asserted. “Sharks do even less damage. Some would even argue that their consumption of humans is beneficial to the environment.”

Tran promised to rework her bill to be “more inclusive in the protections offered to species whose only offense is disrespecting human preferences. For example, we have been waging decades of unlimited antibiotic warfare against bacteria in a callous disregard of their right to life. Well, now they will have a champion in me.”

In related news, Gov. Ralph Northam (D-Va) explained his support for Tran’s post-birth abortion bill, saying that “given the extreme stress put on the environment by human habitation it is imperative that we seize every opportunity to cull the human herd. Allowing mothers to terminate their own children strikes me as an appropriately humane way of both accomplishing this vital objective and securing the female vote for the Democratic Party’s candidates.” Northam’s perspective may have been inspired by Planned Parenthood Virginia PAC’s contribution of $2 million to aid his election in 2017.

Mexico Declares End to Drug War

Mexican President Andrés Manuel López Obrador announced that his government will cease all operations against the drug cartels that essentially rule the border area south of the United States. The president justified this change in policy as pragmatism. “We are not endorsing the reign of terror carried out by these criminals,” he said. “Our hope is to mitigate it by adopting a more realistic perspective.”

“Since we lack the power to win this war it makes more sense to try to reach an accommodation,” the President maintained. “Once the cartels are persuaded that the government will not interfere with their business operations it is hoped that their perceived need to murder government officials will wane.”

“A more positive view of the cartels acknowledges the injection of cash into the Mexican economy resulting from their export of drugs and humans to El Norte,” López suggested. “These high-profit margin businesses put little strain on Mexico’s resources. In this respect, they are ‘cash cows’ bringing more wealth into the country. Rather than futilely trying to suppress these businesses it makes more economic sense to encourage the favorable balance of trade they generate.”

US House of Representatives Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) hailed “the refreshing realism of President López” and contrasted it with “the foolishly stubborn opposition to this commerce by President Trump. Millions of Americans depend on the opiates these Mexican businesses produce and ship into this country. Without these drugs they would have to endure the pain of the Trump Administration in a fully conscious state. This is why I will never approve the kind of barrier to cross-border commerce that Trump demands.”

To emphasize the compassion behind her stance, Pelosi pointed out that “in San Francisco there are now more drug addicts than there are high school students. Policies that would interdict the flow of drugs to this growing cohort of the community are fundamentally undemocratic. As their elected representative, it is my solemn obligation to fight for their interests.”

California Restaurant Bars MAGA Hats

The Wursthall restaurant in San Mateo has declared that henceforth it will no longer serve customers who wear the infamous Trump “Make America Great Again” hats.

“These hats don’t reflect our values,” co-owner J. Kenji Lopez-Alt fulminated. “They conflict with the graceful adjustment to average status that President Obama tried to instill in our nation’s population. The sentiment expressed by those wearing the hats is that America should strive to be greater than other countries. This selfish chauvinism rejects the placid adaptation to mediocrity that is key to world peace.”

Lopez-Alt also sees a frightening parallel with Nazism in the hats. “Hitler deluded the German people with a similar promise to make Germany great again,” he argued. “We all saw how that turned out. We need to learn from history, not repeat it. A small step toward avoiding a repetition of the horrors visited on Europe and the world by Hitler is by ostracizing Trump supporters from public spaces. Our ban is part of this process.”

Warren Apologizes to Cherokees

Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) sought to undo some early damage to her 2020 presidential bid by writing a fundraising letter apologizing to the Cherokee Nation “for my years of attempting to characterize myself as a member of your tribe.” In her defense she claimed to have “enjoyed dressing up as an Indian as a child” and contrasted that with “my peers who all sided with the white invaders and US Cavalry.”

“I know that DNA-wise, I didn’t score especially high as an Indian, but since the Cherokees don’t regard DNA as the determining factor in tribal membership I don’t really see why my self identification was out of line,” she mused. “Haven’t we all accepted the idea that a person can identify with any gender they want? Why can’t we accept that I was a harbinger of this liberating meme when I identified as a Cherokee?”

The final paragraph of her letter warned that “I’m probably the closest any Cherokee will ever get to being elected president of the United States. After all, I’m the closest to a Cherokee Senator that your tribe will ever see. Let’s bury the hatchet and make common cause against the whites by getting me into the White House.”

Veep Scares Satan Worshippers

Lucien Greaves, co-founder and chief spokesperson for The Satanic Temple, expressed fear that Republican Vice-President Mike Pence’s religious views unfairly favor good over evil. “Under our Constitution all religious views are protected from discriminatory laws and policies,” Greaves asserted. “Yet, we see the Vice-President of the United States repeatedly speaking out against evil, which is the core tenet of our faith.”

“Worse, antipathy to our faith receives routine support from the brainwashed majority of Americans,” Greaves complained. “We are a minority in need of the protections from the hostility of the majority. We are pleased that the New York State legislature recognized a woman’s legal right to sacrifice her child at the point of birth. But this fulfillment of our faith’s most sacred rite is in danger of being overturned by the majority opposed to our unpopular beliefs. While we are confident that Democrats in Congress will prevent this, we are less confident that a Supreme Court packed with Trump appointees will. They may seek to restore the limits on third-trimester abortions included in the Roe v. Wade decision.”

A ray of hope was provided by House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s (D-Calif) vow that “Mr. Greaves can count on Democrats to continue to do the Lord’s work. The people have rejected the straight-jacket that Pence and those like him want to impose to restrict their freedom to live by whatever values they choose for themselves. Government must not be used to favor good over evil against the will of the voters.”

Trump Economy “Distortion” Bewailed

According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, the biggest gains in wages under the Trump Administration’s policies have been in private-sector employment, especially blue-collar workers. Last year, pay in the private sector rose 3% on average, but only 2.5% for white-collar management and professional employees. Gains were up by 4.2% for salespersons, 3.7% for production workers, 3.4% for transportation and utilities workers, and 4.1% for leisure and hospitality workers.

Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) contended that “this inequitable distortion from long-term trends rewarding college graduates is another black mark against the Trump regime. A society that fails to grant adequate compensation for earning a college degree encourages young people to eschew advanced education and settle for jobs where they will be forced to perform useful services if they expect to get a decent wage.”

“Policies that reward deplorables at the expense of the educated classes are skewed toward benefiting those shown to support Trump in high percentages,” Schumer lamented. “Meanwhile, the educated classes that staff the nonessential government agencies were forced into a paid vacation by the Trump government shutdown. The anxiety these dedicated employees had to suffer while on furlough was not adequately compensated by giving them back pay for the time they weren’t working. This is but another item in the list of those crying out for the impeachment of the most disruptive individual to ever serve as president.”

In related news, returning formally furloughed feds are reputedly suffering from paralyzing low morale. The contrast of not doing any work while they were at home vs. their more customary not doing any work at the office has induced a widespread sense of confusion and alienation. Said one, “you get used to hanging out at the office with your buds, surfing the Internet, taking long lunches, and going home early. It had its own rhythm. At home there was no structure. I could laze around all day, but had no comrades at hand to share it with. Life will never be the same.”

Latino Group Sues Texas

A recent audit discovered that nearly 100,000 non-citizens are registered to vote in the State of Texas. In an attempt to forestall the State from purging the voter rolls of these ineligible voters, the League of United Latin American Citizens (LULAC) has filed suit.

“The voters to be purged may not be citizens of the United States, but they are citizens somewhere in the world and residents of Texas,” LULAC attorney Luis Vera observed. “They have a human right to participate in selecting those who govern them. Disenfranchising them, as the Texas authorities intend to do, diminishes them as human beings.”

Vera castigated what he characterized as “racism pure and simple. Allowing whites to rule over Latinos just because they were born into American citizenship is manifestly unfair.”

Kasich Purloins Comedian’s Airline Seat

Former Ohio governor John Kasich (R) thwarted Alaska Airlines’ efforts to reassign him to another seat by seizing the first class seat purchased by comedian Julie Klausner. Kasich was liable for seat reassignment because he had paid the lowest price.

Kasich defended his actions by asserting his entitlement “as a more important passenger. I think a former state governor, presidential candidate and newly hired CNN commentator has priority over a mere comedian. I made laws. I challenged Trump. I will be guiding CNN viewers toward the correct opinions and attitudes about public policy for the next few years. All Klausner has done and will do is tell a few jokes to a much smaller audience.”

Klausner called her run in with Kasich “a potential goldmine of material for my future gigs. Many politicians are a-holes, but they usually don’t display it so crassly in public. Given his boasted personal connections with the US Postal Service, I am a bit surprised he didn’t have himself mailed to San Francisco. That would’ve saved him even more money.”

Tax on Cisgendered Whites Proposed

Left-wing firebrand Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) is proposing a new tax on poor whites who identify with the sex they were born with. The funds raised would be devoted to aiding non-white transgenders who, according to the Congresswoman, are denied similar privileges.

“I was recently reminded that as a female who identifies as female I am cisgendered,” she admitted. “As such I enjoy privilege that others don’t have. To atone for my transgression I’ve decided to sponsor a bill that would levy a tax on the most privileged cisgenders in our society—poor whites.”

“The money raised could be used to fund gender reassignment surgeries, lawsuits against persons who neglect to use the preferred pronouns when speaking to or referring to transgenders, wardrobe expansions for individuals who are fluid-gendered and any other expense that may arise from being non-privileged,” the Congresswoman said.

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

CNN Reporters’ Latest Delusions

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

CNN’s chief White House correspondent Jim Acosta says he is writing a book about his sufferings under the evil Trump regime.

“The gist of the story follows my heroic efforts to bring the truth to the American people despite the personal cost and risk to myself,” Costa said. “I have been crucified for daring to speak truth to power. My press pass was temporarily suspended causing me great anxiety. But on the third day I arose again to continue my crusade against the oppression by our nation’s so-called president.”

The CNN blowhard called his forthcoming book “a story for the ages. It will transform how people think about life, government, and most importantly, me. It will stand head-and-shoulders above the writings of lesser messiahs like Hillary Clinton and James Comey.”

Meanwhile, CNN host Don Lemon cited “the fact that people still feel free to wear Trump’s ‘Make America Great Again’ hats continues to divide our nation. These hats make many people uncomfortable and may incite them into a hostile mood or violent response like the one we saw from the Black Israelites whose indecent language provoked Nathan Phillips’ attempt to calm the situation by confronting the Covington teens on the Capitol Mall.”

“What this country needs is some sort of reeducation system to prevent individuals or groups from engaging in behaviors that might trigger others,” Lemon advised. “It is my understanding the Soviet Union and China have had great success in interdicting the expression of anti-progressive views by preemptively sending those suspected of holding such views to re-education camps. I think it’s an idea we should look into for deterring the type of events perpetrated by the Covington teens.”

Warren Moves Left of Ocasio-Cortez

Nervous that her presidential candidacy might not be sufficiently radical, Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) sought to out bid rising Democratic star New York Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s proposed 70% income tax with her own 50% tax on total wealth.

“While her proposed 70% income tax is a worthy effort for a rookie member of congress, it overlooks the much larger stash of accumulated wealth just lying around for the taking,” Warren pointed out. “Immoral billionaires can always shift their income-earning activity outside the taxing jurisdiction. But their assets—homes, business facilities, heavy equipment and the like are less mobile and easier to confiscate.”

“Those more familiar with the history of progressive transformations carried out in Russia, China, Cuba see how effective those radical governments were by seizing control over the ‘geese that laid the golden eggs’ of capitalistic wealth creation. Under my proposal for example, the government would be immediately authorized to take half of Trump’s properties away from him. Given that Trump’s business is a global corporation it’s not inconceivable that the half we take could leave him homeless within the United States and force him to leave the country, if he’s not in jail after we get him out of the White House.”

The urgency of the Democrats’ quest to oust Trump was reemphasized by the continually falling rate of unemployment. This week the Department of Labor announced statistics showing that weekly jobless claims have fallen to their lowest mark since 1969—an event that Warren claims “makes it even more imperative that we hasten his departure by whatever means we can. Enacting my 50% tax can only accelerate this objective.”

NY Enacts Radical Abortion Legislation

In a bid to avert a potential future Supreme Court ruling that might temporarily interrupt the carnage, the New York State Senate bowed to the extortion of Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D) and passed the nation’s most radical pro-abortion legislation. Under this new law, abortions would be permitted up until the moment of birth and failed procedures resulting in live births could be corrected via after birth termination of the unwanted children.

State Senate Majority Leader Andrea Stewart-Cousins (D-Yonkers) hailed the legislation for “averting the potential tragedy of forcing even one woman to give birth to a child she does not want. The trauma of being forced to be a mother is something we must guard against. The anti-abortion argument against aborting viable children on the premise that others willing to adopt the child negates the need to terminate his or her life ignores the psychological toll this takes on the unwilling birth mother.”

In addition to cheers in the Senate after the bill passed 38-24, Cuomo ordered that the One World Trade Center’s 408-foot spire “be lit up with pink light in celebration of this historic victory for progressive values. Pink is in honor of the brave individuals, 100% of whom are women, who have chosen to end the lives of their own children, and the 50% of the victims who are also female. The light ceremony acknowledges that the world will be a better place because of their sacrifice.”

Meanwhile, to mark the 46th anniversary of the landmark Roe v. Wade decision, Illinois Gov. JB Pritzker (D) signed an executive order he claimed “will give Illinois the most progressive abortion-rights law in America. My only regret is that the 50% of aborted infants who are female will never grow up to enjoy this greatest of all civil rights.”

Ocasio-Cortez Determined to Eliminate Billionaires

Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) continues her assault on the immorality of allowing billionaires to exist. “Most of the people in the world today and throughout human history have been poor,” she pointed out. “Subsistence living is the normal condition for all of God’s creatures. The Pope recognizes this. Ecological science recognizes this. Billionaires are unnatural and environmentally dangerous.”

“The argument that the opportunity to make billions is a spur to the innovations that have made life for most Americans relatively luxurious has never tempted me to consider compromising with the greed that this engenders,” the Congresswoman said. “I have always believed that the best things in life are free. That’s why I’m pushing so hard for free health care, free education, free rent—basically, free everything.”

“Think about how relieving everyone of the need to worry about having the money to buy things will improve the world,” she continued. “No one would be forced to work if they didn’t want to. Say goodbye to the morning alarm clock rousting you out of bed. Say goodbye to the commuter rat race. Say goodbye to the tyrannical boss who confiscates your leisure time. This is what the majority of voters want. This is why socialism will sweep aside all nonbelievers.”

“Even if the naysayers’ are right and the economy collapses, the planet will benefit,” Ocasio-Cortez added. “If America’s 300 million population is winnowed down to 300 thousand global warming will no longer be a threat. Habitat for wildlife will expand. Humans could resume their natural niche in the struggle for survival. Technology will no longer warp the way our species lives. Would this not be the Garden of Eden?”

NFL Commissioner Suggests Superbowl Compromise

Following last week’s egregious non-call of obvious pass interference by a Los Angeles Rams player against a New Orleans Saints receiver, attorney Frank D’Amico, Jr. filed a lawsuit calling for NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell to use his powers under Rule 17 to reverse the outcome of the game that the Rams eventually won in overtime or schedule a replay of the last two minutes after a pass interference penalty is imposed on the Rams.

Goodell is reported to be disinclined to take the action demanded in the suit because “bad officiating has been part of football since the sport was invented. In the old days good sportsmanship from the offending team would often lead to a bad call, or non-call as was the case in the Rams/Saints game, being corrected. Nowadays too much money is at stake for us to expect good sportsmanship to save the day.”

As a compromise, Goodell offered “to allow both the Rams and the Saints to share the NFC title and to take turns by halves or quarters in the Superbowl game vs. the Patriots. This will expand the number of fans with a direct interest in the outcome and boost purchases of NFL team gear making this sharing arrangement a ‘win-win’ outcome on the most critical value we all share—making more money.”

Patriots’ coach Bill Belichick complained that “this so-called compromise doesn’t look good from where I’m sitting. The boost in gear sales will go entirely to the Rams and Saints. And while we wouldn’t be playing against two teams simultaneously our dual opponents would be fresher and less fatigued by the time that we reach the crucial fourth quarter. Rectifying the raw deal meted out to the Saints as the Commissioner proposes would simply shift the raw deal onto us. I could only agree to this compromise if we are given full control over inflating all the game balls to be used in this extraordinary game.”

Dems in House to Swap out Terror Subcommittee

Now that the Democrats have a majority in the House of Representatives, House Foreign Affairs Committee Chairman Eliot Engel (D-NY) has announced plans to get rid of the subcommittee on terrorism and replace it with a subcommittee that will focus on President Trump’s business interests.

“After discussions with Party leadership and the media, I have reached the conclusion that Trump represents a far greater danger to this country than Islamic terrorism,” Engel concluded. “At worst, terrorists may murder and/or maim thousands of Americans, but they can never take control of our government. Trump, on the other hand, has, with the connivance of the Russians, already taken control of the Executive Branch where he is deploying considerable power to thwart the progressive transformation initiated by President Obama. So, Trump is clearly the bigger threat.”

“Further, since the Special Counsel investigation hasn’t yet come up with anything that can justify impeaching Trump, I feel that opening a second front to probe his business activities may be our best hope,” the Congressman suggested. “First, the very fact that he is an admitted self-made billionaire raises the question: who did he take the billions from? Second, polls show that a majority of voters hate billionaires and wouldn’t be opposed to confiscating their ill-gotten profits. My new subcommittee will be exploring the potential for achieving these important objectives. Besides, hasn’t Trump boasted he’s defeated ISIS? Doesn’t that tell us that a subcommittee devoted to dealing with terrorism is now obsolete?”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Trump Reversal of Obama School Discipline Policy Harms Minorities

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

The Trump Administration’s intention to eliminate the “racially balanced” regulations promulgated by former President Obama’s “Dear Colleague Letter” was condemned by former Obama Administration Sec. of Education Arne Duncan who called it harmful to minorities.

“The whole point of President Obama’s approach was to equalize the stigma of school disciplinary actions so that each racial grouping was proportionately represented in the punishments meted out,” Duncan said. “The previous policy articulated by former Reagan Administration official Clarence Thomas in 1981 merely directed that whatever disciplinary procedures a school had must be applied without racial bias. This led to minorities being disproportionately represented among the rolls of those serving detentions, getting suspensions, and being turned over to law enforcement.”

“The role of the public school system is to help prepare youngsters for future careers,” Duncan asserted. “Since many of minority youth are likely to embark on careers in crime the disproportionate discipline impedes these students’ acquisition of the skills needed for these career choices. Robbing other students, intimidating them, vandalizing property, and defying authority are activities that will nurture the kind of abilities that the aspiring criminal will find useful if he or she is to succeed in his or her chosen line of crime.”

Trump Administration Sec. of Education Betsy DeVos thanked Duncan “for clarifying the need to undo the Obama policy. Crime is a career choice that victimizes law-abiding members of society. Students demonstrating an aptitude for this kind of behavior need to be impeded from this career path. Not only will such impediments help protect their non-criminal fellow students and non-criminal future victims, it will also switch some of the teen-aged miscreants onto a more socially productive track—sparing them from lives ruined by lengthy stretches in prison or worse.”

Pelosi Defends Putting Ilhan Omar on Committee

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) defended placing Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-Minn) on the House Foreign Affairs Committee despite her anti-Semitic and anti-Israel views, calling it “a small step toward achieving a balanced perspective. You know, we have several Jews already on the Committee. Bringing aboard a Muslim who is not afraid to speak out against the Jewish drive toward world domination fills a vacuum that needed filling.”

Pelosi admitted that “for years the Democratic Party has been hypnotized by Jewish propaganda. Given the very small population of Jews in America and the world compared to the rapidly growing number of those holding opposing points of view, it makes sense for our Party to revise its alliances. Islam is, to quote Osama bin Laden, ‘the stronger horse.’ A wise man logically prefers the stronger horse. In the not too distant future, Muslims will likely make up a majority in this country. Democrats want to be sure this stronger horse is on our side.”

Omar expressed appreciation for “the first small step toward righteousness taken by Speaker Pelosi. The next step is to get the Jews off the Committee as soon as possible. If we want the House to stand we cannot allow these termites to continue to eat away the structure.”

Meanwhile, in Saudi Arabia the Grand Mosque in Mecca has been infested with huge swarms of locusts. Rep. Omar immediately blamed “the Jews. They did this once before to Egypt in a show of ingratitude for the jobs the Pharoah had provided for them in his public works program. Well, Muslims aren’t as weak as Ramses was. If Jews continue to reject the blessings of conversion to Islam they will be exterminated as the Quran commands us to do.”

University Takes Stand Against Basing Grades on Quality

American University is hosting a seminar for its faculty to teach them a new way of grading students without relying too heavily on the quality of their work. The seminar will be taught by University of Washington–Tacoma professor Dr. Asao Inoue.

“Grading papers based on their quality imposes ‘white’ standards that are insensitive to alternate ways of thinking and communicating,” Inoue explained. “Just because a student’s writing seems incoherent and ungrammatical to a white professor doesn’t mean he should give it a bad grade. President Trump often makes grammatical mistakes. Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) is often incoherent. These deficiencies in our nation’s highest-ranking members of government suggest that writing and speaking competency aren’t as important as we previously have thought.”

As an alternative to assessing quality Inoue recommends “using quantity and effort as the foundation for handing out grades. Counting the number of words, or intended words in the case of non-words appearing in a student’s writing, is a more objective measure. Similarly, a student whose vocalized attempts at communication are garbled and indecipherable probably had to exert great effort to complete a writing assignment, especially if more than a few paragraphs are attempted. This kind of effort should be rewarded with a higher grade.”

Dems Reject Invitation to Working Lunch Meeting

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) and Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer rejected an invitation from President Trump to participate in a lunch meeting that would discuss a possible compromise to partially fund a border barrier and reopen the federal government.

“We saw the fast food spread he bought for the college football champions,” Schumer pointed out. “If he treats star athletes like that I shudder to think what he’d have on the menu for us. He likes football. He hates us. There’s no way I’d go without seeing a menu first.”

Pelosi was even harsher in her assessment of the President’s offer. “Burgers and pizza are no substitute for our lobster and liquor junket that the President canceled at the last minute,” she complained. “We are important people. We are entitled to a lunch befitting our status as co-rulers of this country.”

Aside from their displeasure with the prospect of “being asked to settle for food that common ordinary people eat,” both Schumer and Pelosi were skeptical about reaching an agreement. “We have already told the President that the only compromise we will accept is total and unconditional surrender,” Pelosi reminded everyone. “President Roosevelt demanded it of the Nazis. Patriotism requires that we use this winning tactic against the gravest threat to the United States since World War II.”

Kasich Gets Gig with CNN

Former Ohio Governor John Kasich (R) has been signed by CNN to be an on air commentator across a variety of the network’s programs.

The ex-governor expressed his hope that he “might leverage a tour as a television star into a successful campaign for the presidency like Trump did, only with more compassion for the lonely and depressed majority of Americans. I think voters will respond favorably to my belief that ‘everyone needs to be hugged.’ It will be a welcome change from Trump’s ‘everyone needs to be slugged.’”

Kasich said he was “especially proud to be named a señor commentator. I take it as recognition and appreciation of my open border stance. ‘Señor’ sounds so much friendlier than ‘mister.’ I look forward to a future where every man is a señor and every woman a señorita. Golly, I’m already speaking Spanish. If this doesn’t prove there is no border crisis I don’t know what would.”

Ohr Rats Out DOJ & FBI Brass

Despite the FBI’s alibi alleging that the top DOJ officials who signed the application to the FISA Court for permission to spy on the Trump campaign believed that the Steele Dossier was legitimate intelligence, it now appears that this is yet another lie emerging from the once highly regarded Agency.

It turns out that former Associate Deputy Attorney General Bruce Ohr testified in Congress last August that he had fully briefed top level FBI and Justice Department officials—including the FBI’s then-Deputy Director Andy McCabe, lawyer Lisa Page, FBI lead investigator Peter Strzok (who worked with then FBI Director James Comey to conceal and minimize Hillary Clinton’s violation of national security laws and regulations), Deputy Assistant Attorney General Bruce Swartz, lawyer Zainab Ahmad and fraud unit head Andrew Weissman. Ahmad and Weissman now work for special counsel Robert Mueller.

Ohr’s briefings during the summer of 2016—before the first FISA application was filed—informed these people that the Steele Dossier had not been verified, that Steele was highly biased against Trump, and that the dossier had been ordered and paid for by the Hillary Clinton for president campaign.

To this day, fired FBI director James Comey professes no memory of any briefings on any topics during his four year tenure as the head of the Agency. “It pains me to have to attest to my unbelievably poor recall of events that I presumably would’ve been aware of as Director,” he admitted. “But what can you do? We are who we are, warts and all. Nevertheless, important people in the government and media continually praise my probity and swear I can be trusted. These same important people do not have as high an opinion of Trump.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Black Caucus Demands Course Correction for U.S.

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Rep. Karen Bass (D-Calif), chairperson of the 55-member Congressional Black Caucus (CBC), the most numerous in our nation’s history, has set the Caucus’ sights on “reversing the trauma inflicted on people of color by the Trump Administration over the past two years. We will use our tremendous power and influence to undo Trump’s evil plan to force millions of voters off of welfare and into the labor economy.”

“The notion that a job is the answer to curing poverty and improving one’s life is a myth,” Bass contended. “Curing poverty has been the task of government since the 1960s’ Great Society initiative of President Johnson. The programs begun then have liberated millions from the drudgery of wage slavery. The policies of Trump leading to more jobs than job applicants allow Republicans to exert cruel mental pressure on those who have come to rely on government generosity for a more relaxing lifestyle.”

Bass claimed that “the 2018 elections that returned Democrats to a majority in the House were a mandate from voters against the social injustice of attempting to dismantle of a way of life that has spanned generations of our people. The Caucus is united in our determination to take any action needed to thwart Trump’s heartless plan.”

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) praised the CBC’s “commitment to re-liberate those that Trump’s policies have driven into the workforce” and promised “to do everything in my power to see that the aims of this noble collection of legislators are fulfilled,” and boasted of “the shock and awe that will be unleashed against the enemies of progressive change now that the gavel is back in my hands.”

Dem Leader Demagogues Federal Shutdown

House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer (D-Md) used the deferral of paychecks for federal employees due to Congress’ failure to approve the appropriation of funds to cover this expense as an inspiration to liken Trump to a pre-Civil War slave driver.

“Back in 1860 millions of people were forced to work without being paid,” Hoyer observed. “We called that slavery. Now, with President Trump refusing to compromise by accepting our Party’s refusal to budge an inch on his request for $5 billion to fund border security as a precondition for Democrats to approve funds for ending the government shutdown, federal employees have been effectively enslaved.”

Trump called Hoyer’s analogy “absurd. In 1860 it was Democrats that instigated the Civil War in an effort to preserve slavery. It was Democrats that put chains on their slaves. It was Democrats that whipped, raped, terrorized and killed those they held in bondage. To call the temporary interruption of payments to federal employees akin to slavery denigrates the true suffering the Democrat Party inflicted on people of color and the hundreds of thousands of Union soldiers who died or were maimed in the successful campaign of Republican President Lincoln to abolish the vile institution of slavery.”

Hoyer defended his accusation saying that “the unfairness to federal employees should be self-evident. Nonessential employees who are enjoying furloughs and leisure will get the same back pay as essential employees who are required to keeping working. Since employees who are required to work have the same rights as those who were not required to do any work they are being treated unfairly. The only equitable solution would be to recognize and reward the essential employees with overtime pay on top of their normal salaries. This would compensate them for the paid time off granted to nonessential employees.”

Presidential Candidate Proposes “Freedom Dividend”

Entrepreneur, Ivy-Leaguer, New Yorker, and prospective 2020 Democratic presidential candidate Andrew Yang hopes to win his way into the White House on a promise of a $1,000 per month “freedom dividend” to every American family.

“Critics will say my idea is impractical,” Yang predicted. “But I’ve just initiated a pilot test of the concept with the Fassi family of Goffstown, New Hampshire. I gave them their first check on New Year’s Eve. The checks will continue for the entire year. I predict that their lives will be enriched and their anxieties relieved. If elected president in 2020 I will extend the program nationwide.”

Yang’s critics seem more likely to be in touch with reality, though. A pilot test with a sample size of one is not a valid scientific study. Giving $1,000 per month to 126 million US families carries a $126 billion per month and $1.5 trillion per year cost.

Still, Yang remains optimistic. “I don’t believe lack of money is as much of an impediment as lack of vision,” he maintained. “Given the US government’s unlimited power of taxation and the Federal Reserve’s ability to create as much money as it deems necessary, I’m confident we can fund the ‘freedom dividend.’ Between making a few donations to congressional candidates and twisting some arms once I have access to confidential IRS and FBI files, I believe I will be able to persuade the necessary parties to carry out my plan.”

Murders Committed by Illegals Called “Bearable”

At a press conference this week, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) defended her unbending opposition to increased border security by asserting that “the crimes committed by some of those illegally entering the United States are not sufficient justification for implementing stricter enforcement at the border. The murders of innocent Americans by foreigners are regrettable, but bearable.”

“We are a large and populous nation,” the Speaker pointed out. “We have plenty of room for persons who want to come live in America. The number of our citizens killed or harmed by individuals coming across our border without formal permission is only a tiny fraction of the more than 300 million who live here or did live here before they were murdered. In fact, it could be argued that the number of non-criminals who enter the United States is larger than the few citizens who are lost due to the predators coming in from the south. From a head-count perspective we are better off allowing more immigration from whatever source.”

“It’s not as if Americans are the only ones suffering,” Pelosi added. “President Trump admitted that a third of the women and children trekking here are raped or sexually abused. And Amnesty International puts that figure in the 60% to 80% range. What I want to know is where is the sympathy for these victims? What I see and hear from most of those advocating for decreased illegal immigration is selfish concern for themselves.”

In related news, the assessment that Pelosi and Schumer came off the losers in their attempt to rebut President Trump’s speech on the border crisis prompted Pelosi to call for “a best-of-seven format. Sure we lost the opening match, but it wouldn’t be fair to judge the issue on a single contest. The World Series has a best-of-seven format, as does the NBA Championship. Shouldn’t the more important question of immigration have at least as robust a series of match-ups as the less important sports championships?”

Gov Blackmails Legislature

In an effort to bolster his credentials for a possible 2020 run for the Democratic presidential nomination, New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo says he won’t sign the state’s budget until the legislature passes a law making it legal for abortions to be performed by any person for any reason and at any time—right up until moments before birth. The current state statute requires that abortions be performed by licensed physicians before the 24th week of pregnancy.

Cuomo called any restrictions “completely unacceptable. The crushing burden of an unwanted child should never be forced on a woman. The toll on her body, the drain on her finances and her time to care for a person that isn’t really needed given the world’s excess of surplus population is an unbearable punishment for the inadvertent mistake of failing to use birth control prior to having sex with a man. Holding the state budget hostage is the only leverage I have to try to coerce these guys to do the right thing.”

Former and rumored future presidential contender Hillary Clinton heartily endorsed the Governor’s stance. “Sometimes you have to play rough if you want to win,” she advised. “I can’t count the number of occasions when Bill or I had to resort to threats, extortion and intimidation when we were governing in Arkansas or in the White House. Abortion is a fundamental human right. Making sure the law protects this right implements the Constitution’s guarantee of life, liberty and pursuit of happiness.”

“You know, I think all of the rhetoric about innocent lives being lost overlooks the Jesus parallels,” Clinton said. “Isn’t Jesus’ sacrifice for humanity’s sins a model for sacrificing innocent pre-borns for our sins? If a pure and blameless Jesus could be put to death to save the world, what’s so wrong with putting fetuses to death to save the world? Clearly a reduction in the quantity of humans has often been cited as a means for saving the planet. Achieving this goal by exterminating the helpless strikes me as more merciful than relying on the bad habits or behaviors of adults to accomplish the objective.”

Germany Requests Time-Out

After an evaluation of the country’s armed forces showed that the German Army would not be ready for combat operations until 2031 at the earliest, Chancellor Angela Merkel made an impassioned plea to the global community to postpone any planned attacks on Germany until 2032 or later.

“We are in worse shape than the bourgeois democracies that were crushed by the blitzkrieg Germany sprung on them in 1939,” the Chancellor confessed. “It would be unsporting for others to emulate the underhanded tactics that enabled our army to overrun most of Europe in the early stages of World War II.”

Merkel admitted that she is especially concerned that US President Donald Trump “cannot be counted on to rescue us from an aggressor after the fuss he made over our failure to meet our NATO defensive obligations. I can see that a man who could so easily desert a feckless ally would have no qualms about putting the lives and well-being of Americans ahead of everyone else and let Germany be conquered by jihadis, Russians, or even such relative weaklings like Poland and France, who it just so happens are geographically positioned to envelope Germany in a grand pincer offensive.”

While the rest of the global community has remained silent regarding Germany’s request, President Trump promised that “no US troops would participate in any military aggression against Germany.” Nevertheless, Merkel still complained that “Trump’s promise selfishly forces us to feebly and probably fruitlessly fend for ourselves.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Pelosi Says Building Border Wall Immoral

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) stood by her pledge to “not appropriate a single dollar for a border wall” contending that “building such a wall would be immoral.”

“Look, building an impermeable barrier would block the natural migration patterns of the herds of immigrants and the predators that depend upon them for their sustenance,” the Speaker said. “The more hospitable conditions on the American side benefit both the predators and their prey. The prey can qualify for numerous government payments that will enable them to support more offspring. The monetary stipends increase the rewards for predators who rob them. The increased offspring generate more children for predators to exploit and abuse. On balance, both categories of immigrants come out ahead.”

“And let’s not overlook the advantages for our country from unrestricted immigration,” Pelosi added. “The addition of millions of unskilled people who could potentially enter the labor force helps hold down the cost of labor in the United States. On the one hand, this will boost the profits of many of the billionaires who are generous donors to the Democratic Party. On the other hand, with some of the more progressive states eliminating the citizenship requirement for voting, the expansion of this natural Democratic constituency bolsters our Party’s chances for winning elections. Remember, the ‘vote harvesting’ scheme that decimated Republicans in California was carried out by immigrants that a border wall would likely have prevented from entering the country.”

Ocasio-Cortez Pitches Confiscatory Taxes

Newly elected socialist firebrand Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) told CNN’s Anderson Cooper that “if we want economic growth and a fairer distribution of wealth the rich will have to pay more in taxes.” She cited history to back her claim.

“In the 1960s, before President Kennedy’s tax cut, both economic growth and taxes in this country were higher than today,” the first-term congresswoman observed. “In more progressive countries like the Soviet Union and Communist China economic growth was even faster with the government essentially controlling all the investment and distribution decisions.”

“My ‘Green New Deal’ is a moderate first step toward the kind of economic dynamism and equality achieved by those two great societies,” she explained. “We’ll start with a maximum 70% income tax rate. Moving toward a totally socialized system will become easier after the American people get a chance to experience the prosperity that is an inherent part of this superior system of organizing and controlling the collective assets of humanity for the greater good.”

In related news, Ocasio-Cortez joined Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-Vt) in denouncing Speaker Pelosi’s suggestion that new spending legislation be balanced by tax increases sufficient to fund new programs, calling it “a dark political maneuver designed to hamstring progress. The government owns the mint and can print as much money as we need. Since Democrats are now the majority in congress I don’t see why we can’t just give every person in the country a million dollars in cash. We would abolish poverty and win over a permanent majority of voters forever.”

Gov’t “Shutdown” May Last Years

President Trump’s statement that he is willing to have the government “shutdown” last for years, if that’s what it takes to get funding for a border wall, has Democratic Party leaders agog.

Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) called the threat “cruel and insensitive toward the non-essential federal workers who are bearing the brunt of this insane tactic. They all have families to feed. They need the checks they’ve come to expect every two weeks.”

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) contended “non-essential or not, these employees are part of the brain that keeps America alive and kicking. Citizens wouldn’t know what to do or how to live their lives without the vital guidance that spews forth from government on a daily basis.”

President Trump admitted that “there are some inconveniences being experienced around the country. I’d be willing to sit down with the Democrats to work on measures to alleviate this problem. But come on, non-essential employees are called non-essential for a reason. They aren’t required for carrying out the constitutionally mandated functions of the federal government. Many of the agencies where these non-essential employees are housed probably shouldn’t have been created. Now that we’ve gone a couple of weeks without them being open I think we are seeing how unnecessary they really are.”

Trump also cast doubt on the usual practice of giving the furloughed non-essential employees back pay for the time they are idle. “There’s a lot of waste in the federal budget,” Trump said. “I think the ‘shutdown’ gives us an opportunity to sort out which activities can be cut from the budget. Certainly, getting paid for work not done seems a good source of saving some money. Another option would be for these people to look for jobs in the booming economy that my policies have stimulated. Joining the private sector where essential goods and services are produced sounds like a better use of the nation’s human resources than retaining them as paper pushers in non-essential government agencies.”

O’Rourke 2020 Presidential Campaign Scores Endorsement Coup

Unwilling to undergo the sex and pigment alterations that his advisers say is essential to compete for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination, recently defeated Texas senatorial candidate Beto O’Rourke has scored a major coup by getting the endorsement of unsuccessful 2016 presidential candidate former Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley.

“Like every Irishman I know, Beto has the wisdom to listen, the courage to lead, and a rock-solid faith in the powerful goodness of our nation,” O’Malley asserted. “I am proud to hand over the torch I lit for my campaign to the man who can carry my bold vision forward to victory in 2020.”

Irked a bit at being identified as Irish, O’Rourke pointed out that “I self identify as Mexican now. If a man can self-identify as a woman I don’t see why I can’t self-identify as a Mexican. After all, it helped me win the Latino vote in my race against Ted Cruz.” Nevertheless he graciously accepted what he characterized as “the first wave of a tide that will finally see this country elect me as the first Latino president of the United States.”

Romney Assails Trump’s Impoliteness

Incoming freshman Senator Mitt Romney (R-UT) took to the pages of the Washington Post to chastise President Trump for his “unbearable impoliteness. Those of us in public service have a moral obligation to conduct ourselves with the utmost civility, no matter what. Trump’s claim that he is only punching back at those who attack him doesn’t absolve him of this responsibility.”

“When I ran for president in 2012 I was vilified by the media and Democrats,” Romney recalled. “Lies aimed at besmirching my character were commonplace. Even the moderator at one of my debates with President Obama incorrectly corrected me by citing false ‘facts.’ But I took it like a man and submitted to defeat with grace and dignity. Trump’s refusal to follow my lead threatens our democracy. If both sides insist on bare-knuckle politics comity disintegrates and chaos follows.”

Romney averred that “like Jeff Flake, I mostly agree with Trump’s policy goals. But I’m putting those goals aside so I can pursue the higher goal of joining the Democrats and the media in their vilification of Trump. That way I will demonstrate that at least one Republican can reach across the aisle for the greater good of America.”

Former Gov. John Kasich (R-Ohio) cheered Romney on saying “good policy is no substitute for good manners. My manners are 100% better than Trump’s. Yet, Republican voters foolishly rejected me and selected him to be the Party’s nominee. A majority of those who voted in the general election voted against Trump, but he craftily employed a strategy that won him a majority of the electoral vote. This is not how a gentleman behaves. It’s not how Mitt behaved in 2012. Crafty in victory is not what the Republican Party has stood for over the past three decades. Humility in defeat has been our most endearing quality. We need to return to that if we want to moderate the media vilification of our Party, candidates, and dwindling number of officeholders.”

In related news, former FBI Director James Comey hailed Romney’s critique of Trump and admitted that “if I had known what a patriot and all-around swell guy he is I would have been less enthusiastic in following President Obama’s orders use the FBI to sabotage Romney’s 2012 campaign.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Special Counsel to Implement a Nude Selfie’ Strategy

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Robert Mueller, the Special Counsel appointed to investigate possible collusion between the Trump presidential campaign and Russia, has opened a new front after discovering a “nude selfie” among the millions of pages of documents it has seized from Concord Management.

Mueller called the discovery “a real eye opener. The depravity I’ve unveiled since I began my quest to rid the nation of the evil Trump Administration has lurched from covertly recorded conversations between members of the Trump campaign and the provocateurs the FBI inserted within their ranks to simulate illicit connections with Russians, to coerced admissions of lying to FBI investigators, and now to a revelation of at least one lewd image transmitted over the Internet.”

The possibility that we could photo-shop nude images of Trump, his family members, Congressional supporters, and others committing embarrassing and sordid acts had not previously occurred to us,” Mueller admitted. “Based on descriptions provided by Stormy Daniels we’re confident that we can create humiliating portraits of all the Trump men. With the cooperation of the media these portraits will saturate the air waves. And since most people accept that seeing is believing, the only way for Trump and his minions to dodge this bullet would be to opt for a timely retirement from public life.”

Dems Forge Ahead to Transform America

In a year-end reflection, Oakland Mayor Libby Schaaf “took pride in the aid I was able to give to immigrants being pursued by ICE. Oakland is a sanctuary city. As such I feel it is my obligation to protect all our inhabitants from persecution by federal authorities. Sure, some of the undocumented immigrants living here have criminal records, but so do some of the native-born citizens. Accepting the fact that a portion of any population must live outside the law is what is required if we truly respect the values of diversity.”

I have no regrets,” Schaaf asserted. “The victims of crimes committed by those who escaped ICE apprehension due to my warning might just as easily been victimized by citizen-criminals. So, there’s no direct link between my act of mercy toward immigrants and any specific crime. In fact, the success of Democrats in the November election shows that voters in California approve of open borders, sanctuary cities, and the eventual restoration of Mexican sovereignty over land stolen by US military aggression during the 1800s.”

Meanwhile, Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D-NY) declared his state’s independence from the federal government. “After a long train of abuses, we are exercising our rights under the Constitution to sever the bonds between our state and the federal government, except for the federal aid that is owed us,” Cuomo announced. He further warned the State’s two senators that “I shall ask the legislature to recall them if they fail to protect New York’s allotment of federal funds.”

In Texas, recently defeated senatorial candidate Beto O’Rourke rushed to the El Paso Greyhound bus station with a stack of voter registration forms after ICE released 200 illegal immigrants there while they wait for a refugee status hearing scheduled for 2020. “In all likelihood, these people are going to be here in the United States for the foreseeable future,” O’Rourke said. “As human beings they have a natural right to participate in electing those who will govern them. As the first person to come to their assistance in exercising this right I hope I can count on their support when I run for president next year.”

Boston Marathon Bomber Death Sentence Challenged

Attorneys for Boston Marathon bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev filed a 500 page brief in the 1st U.S. District Court of Appeals arguing that the death sentence handed down after his conviction should be tossed aside. Their key argument is that “the trial judge refused to grant a change of venue.”

The trial was held in Boston, a city of widespread antipathy to the Muslim religious obligation to wage war against unbelievers,” the attorneys wrote. “The jury pool was comprised of unbelievers in spite of the fact that Islamic law requires that Muslims be judged only by members of the faith. A parade of infidel witnesses were permitted to give testimony that portrayed Tsarnaev as a criminal rather than the righteous warrior that he, in fact, is for the faith of Islam.”

The attorneys’ brief contends that “if the trial venue had been moved to Chechnya where a jury of Muslim men could have more impartially weighed the evidence a sentence of death would never have been imposed. At most, our client would have been asked to pay reparations to the families of the deceased. For these reasons we demand that the death sentence be commuted so Dzhokhar will be able to pay reparations out of the $2 per day wages he could earn in the prison laundry.”

CNN Irked by Trump Iraq Visit

After first complaining that “Trump’s unannounced trip to Iraq didn’t give ISIS a fair chance to interdict his unwanted presence in Muslim territory,” CNN’s Jim Acosta pivoted to a complaint that “his improper friendliness with US troops was unpresidential.”

Acosta differentiated President Trump’s signing of autographs from President Obama’s signing of autographs by pointing out “President Obama was a Nobel Prize winner who was honestly elected by a majority of voters. Trump is just a real estate developer who colluded with the Russians and still only won via an electoral college technicality, even though Sec. Clinton had more total votes.”

In related news, it turns out that lionized “journalist” Jamal Khashoggi, who was killed in the Saudi Consulate in Turkey, was a covert operative working on behalf of Qatar to publish anti-Saudi propaganda using his position as an op ed writer for the Washington PostPost editor Fred Hiatt denied any knowledge of Khashoggi’s role as a propagandist saying “how could we know? He fit right in with everything we were saying about Trump and Saudi Arabia. As far as we could tell his views were our views.”

Senator Says Increased Welfare Spending Will Reduce Homicides

Sen Dick Durbin (D-Ill) urged President Trump “to take a lesson from President Obama and boost federal welfare spending in Chicago if he’s serious about curbing the city’s soaring homicide rate.”

The gang-bangers who are shooting each other, witnesses, and innocent bystanders are justifiably angry that the public housing provided is not as luxurious as what they can afford from pushing illegal drugs,” Durbin said. “They are also miffed that the federally-funded job training they are offered only leads to entry level jobs and, at best, middle income salaries. In contrast, the profits from criminal activities enable them to afford the fancy clothes, jewelry, and cars that corporate executive salaries can buy.”

We need to raise the value of the perks that welfare can offer to a level high enough to dissuade young people from choosing crime as a way of life,” the Senator argued. “President Obama understood this. I don’t think Trump gets it.”

Democrats Now Party of the Rich

In the November elections, Democrats won in the 20 richest congressional districts. An ebullient Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif), currently vacationing during the “cruel” government shutdown at the Fairmont Orchid resort in Hawaii (where room rates range from $900 per night for a regular room to $5,000 for a suite) bragged that “the ultimate demise of the Republican Party is imminent. Democrats own the Black vote, the Hispanic vote, the immigrant vote, the welfare vote. We have more campaign money from wealthy donors than Republicans can ever hope to see.”

The coalition of small business owners, farmers, middle-income wage-earners, craftsmen, and religious zealots that Trump relied on to steal the 2016 election represents a dwindling faction of the American population,” Pelosi pointed out. “They will be unable to stop the juggernaut of progressives that we have assembled. The wisest course for the rump of Republicans who hope to keep their political careers and perks is to cooperate with us in the transition to the socialist future that President Obama promised would be our fate.”

A taste of the collective mindset the Democrats say will be our future was seen in the identical Christmas tweets sent out by Rep. Pelosi and Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY) slamming President Trump, gloating over the trillions of dollars in losses a plunging stock market has inflicted on the future pensions, IRAs and 401k retirement funds, and the possible economic recession and unemployment this may herald for the coming year.

Senators Wonder If Catholics Are Qualified to Be Judges

Senators Mazie Hirono (D-Hawaii) and Kamala Harris (D-Calif) are concerned that judicial nominee Brian Buescher’s membership in the Knights of Columbus—a Catholic charity—might disqualify him from being confirmed as a federal judge.

In general, Catholics are kind of out of step with the values I think we want our country to have,” Hirono said. “Their belief that marriage is a bond between a man and a woman and their opposition to abortion are at odds with the law. Joining the Knights of Columbus demonstrates a degree of religious fanaticism beyond that of the typical Sunday churchgoer. Should we put such religious fanatics in a position to preside over trials?”

I view support for abortion as a litmus test I will use in vetting candidates for judgeships if I’m elected president,” Harris opined. “It seems to me that consistency requires that I apply the same criteria as a senator asked to confirm nominees advanced by any president.”

Both Senators agreed that it would be wrong to consider a Muslim’s religion as a factor in assessing his qualifications for being appointed to a federal court. “As far as we know,” Harris said, “Muslims are only opposed to abortions for members of their own faith. Unbelievers terminating their own pregnancies alleviates the need to convert, oppress or kill these individuals once sharia law is established.”


A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

The Best of John Semmens’ Semi-News 2018

January 7
Gore Says Bitter Cold Confirms Global Warming

Former Vice-President Al Gore confidently brushed aside the possibility that this past week’s bitter cold across much of North America might indicate that the global warming he has profitably been hyping for the last 15-plus years could be mistaken.
“The theory of global warming, or climate crisis as I now like to call it, postulates that any change in the weather merely confirms the global warming hypothesis,” Gore declared. “The most important action anyone can take at this time is to continue to buy copies of my books and movies explaining how it all fits together.”
Meanwhile, observations of solar output show a pattern of decreasing heat reaching Earth from the sun. Many climate scientists are predicting that a global cooling trend for the next several decades seems more likely than a continuation of the warming trend Gore has been warning must be addressed by massive government regulations aimed at “lowering the excessively indulgent lifestyles enjoyed by Americans.” Strangely, despite railing against the general public’s bad behavior, Gore’s own lifestyle is far more indulgent than that of average American consumers who possess neither energy-guzzling palatial estates nor their own personal jet aircraft.

January 14
Trump Named Top Enemy of Press

The Committee to Protect Journalists (CPJ) named Donald Trump the “top global press oppressor.” The award was considered an upset win. Regimes like China where journalists are jailed for criticizing the government, Turkey, which has surpassed China as the world’s biggest jailer of journalists, and Russia where reporters frequently are murdered are expected to lodge protests.

Turkish Prime Minister Tayyip Erdogan complained “we have worked very hard to be the best oppressors. We have more reporters in prison than any other country. I could understand being edged out by Russia or China with their lengthy pedigrees for dealing with nettlesome journalists, but the United States? The biggest accomplishment I’m aware of was Obama’s spying on journalists. That’s NOTHING! The Committee is showing unfair favoritism.”

CPJ Executive Director Joel Simon defended the organization’s selection of Trump, arguing that “no other tyrant has done more to undermine our credibility. In fact, it could be argued that jailing or killing reporters martyrs them and enhances the media’s credibility. But Trump’s tagging us with the ‘fake news’ label has caused more damage than any other regime has ever achieved.”

February 4
Fidel Castro Jr. Commits Suicide, Trump Blamed

This week, the 68-year-old son of the late Cuban dictator Fidel Castro committed suicide. Though communism enabled his famous father to amass a billion dollar personal fortune, “Fidelito” was said by friends to have become depressed upon realizing “that Yankee bastard is right. My country is a sh*thole.”

Long-time compadre, Vacio Cabeza professed himself “mystified. He wanted for nothing. We lived like kings. Admittedly, life is kind of tough for the average Cuban, but what does that matter to men like us? Why should we care what Trump said about Cuba?”

February 25
Chicago ID Card Will Allow Illegals to Vote

In a bid to “harness the political potential of adding hundreds of thousands of new Democratic voters,” the City of Chicago has authorized government-issued photo ID cards for all residents, including “undocumented persons” in the country illegally.
State Board of Elections spokesman Matt Dietrich said “the determination of who will be allowed to vote will be in the hands of local election authorities. There is no state law requiring proof of citizenship in order to register to vote. All you have to do is check a box on the voter registration form that says ‘yes, I am a citizen.’”

Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel called the card “an ingenious counter to the Trump Administration’s efforts to deny voting rights to immigrants, the homeless and those recently released from prison. There are 109 different local election authorities in Illinois. There’s no way his federal goons can keep track of what all of these dispersed centers of election registrations are doing. Between this ID card and our sanctuary city policy I’m hopeful that we will make it impossible for any Republican to win any elective office in the state.”

March 25
Progressives Stunned by Firearms Poll Answer

In a poll conducted for NBC and the Wall Street Journal, 58% of respondents agreed that “gun ownership does more to increase safety by allowing law-abiding citizens to protect themselves.” On the other side, 38% agreed that “gun ownership reduces safety by giving too many people access to firearms.” These results are a significant reversal of responses from 19 years ago when 52% felt that increased gun ownership reduced safety.

Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel called this shift in favor of gun ownership “dismaying. Considering the carnage taking place on our city streets on a daily basis, I think it’s clear that the gun controls we have put in place are insufficient. We need sterner measures to ensure that those with bad intent cannot get their hands on firearms.”

April 8
Putin Complains about Demonization of Stalin

Russian President Vladimir Putin denounced what he labeled “the excessive demonization of former Soviet dictator Josef Stalin. His methods may have been harsh by Western standards, but few can quibble with the results.” These “results” included the deaths of 15 million to 30 million Soviet citizens through executions, labor camps, avoidable famines and making the treaty with Nazi Germany that unleashed WW II.

“Few critics take into account the poverty and backwardness of the country Stalin inherited,” Putin contended. “Bringing the Soviet Union into the modern era required sacrifices. The millions who died in the Gulag would have died eventually, regardless. Their labors helped make the Soviet Union into a superpower. We should not discount that accomplishment.”

May 6
Schumer Opposes “Taxpayers Right to Know Act”

The “Taxpayers Right to Know Act” has been passed several times by the US House of Representatives, but has been unable to get to a vote in the Senate due to the 60-vote requirement to end filibusters against it. The Bill would require federal agencies to report on how much programs cost and how effective they have been.

While the Bill, sponsored by Sens. James Lankford (R-Okla) and Claire McCaskill, (D-Mo), has bipartisan support, Sen. Charles Schumer (D-NY) vowed to block the legislation calling it “unfeasible and unfair. Look, our government has grown too big to be accurately measured in any way. Expenditures in the billions and trillions are beyond the capacity of voters to absorb. Whether they have been effective or not is a judgment call best left to the hardworking government employees who manage these programs.”

May 27
DNC Vice-Chairman Says Prison Bible Studies “Poaching Our Voters”

Democratic National Committee Vice-Chairman Rep. Keith Ellison (D-Minn) called Republican efforts to encourage prison inmates to participate in Bible studies “an attempt to poach voters who rightly ought to be supporting Democrats.”

“While the Bible studies message is not overtly political it conveys values that implicitly support the GOP agenda,” Ellison contended. “Take the admonition ‘thou shalt not steal.’ This insinuates a personal right to property that runs counter to our Party’s belief that property ought to redistributed more fairly. I mean, a lot of guys are in jail because they tried to implement a redistribution on their own initiative. We don’t want them to be contrite for their unsanctioned redistribution efforts. We want them to know that with their votes we will legally effect the transfer of wealth to their benefit.”

June 24
DC Infested with Psychopaths

A study of psychopathy throughout the United States found that the nation’s highest concentration of these types of people was in Washington DC. California, New Jersey, and New York finished in second, third, and fourth place for percentage of the population qualifying as psychopaths. The study was conducted by Southern Methodist University Assistant Professor Ryan Murphy.

“The District of Columbia is measured to be far more psychopathic than any individual state in the country,” Murphy observed. He speculated that “psychopaths may be drawn to Washington since government offers a robust array of opportunities for individuals to exercise power over others. There are both opportunities for self-enrichment and opportunities to bend others to your will by making laws or regulations that force people to yield to you rather than freely pursue their own well-being.”

July 8
DNC Denounces Record Employment

The Bureau of Labor Statistics’ June jobs report showed that the US economy added 213,000 jobs—bringing the number of employed Americans to 155,576,000—the tenth record high of the Trump presidency. Tom Perez, Democratic National Chairman (DNC) and former Secretary of Labor under Obama, warned voters “to not be taken in by this mirage of the so-called good life.”

August 5
Wage Gains Threaten Democracy

News that American workers pay and benefits are now rising at a faster pace than any time during the Obama years has sparked fear in the Democratic Party. The proclaimed “future” of the Party Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, surprise winner of the Democratic congressional primary in Brooklyn, New York, sees this development as “a direct threat to our democracy. The GOP scheme to boost the working class into the ranks of higher income is intended to undermine their support for the Democratic Party.”

August 19
Senator Introduces “Accountable Capitalism Act”

Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) is sponsoring legislation that would negate the control of corporate shareholders and transfer authority to government. Her bill—the “Accountable Capitalism Act”–is, in her words, “intended to replace greedy profiteering with the more socially beneficial guidance of government oversight.”

The prime motive for the bill was her discovery that employees’ share of the income generated by businesses has fallen from 85% 20 years ago to “only” 75% today. “As Karl Marx conclusively proved more than 150 years ago, all the value created by businesses comes from labor,” Warren contended. “It is shameful that any of this value is expropriated by the capitalistic overlords. My bill would correct this travesty and bring about an era of social justice the likes of which the world has never seen.”

September 9
Abortion the Great Equalizer

Former president of Planned Parenthood Gloria Feldt told a Cornell University audience that “abortion gives women an equal seat at life’s table. Putting all of the burden of child-bearing and birthing on women violates the Constitution’s equal protection clause. Abortion is the remedy. Freeing ourselves of the obligations imposed on us by a patriarchal society is the only way we can enjoy the same power that men have monopolized through a discriminatory reproductive system.”

Feldt’s remarks mirrored those of former First Daughter Chelsea Clinton who also advocated an economic rationale for preserving the court-granted right of reluctant would-be mothers to abort their unborn children. Clinton’s argument pointed out that “women who were freed by the 1973 Roe v. Wade Supreme Court decision from the encumbrance of an unwanted child were able to join the workforce and add half a trillion dollars to the GDP between the years 1973 to 2009.”

November 11
Broward County Official Defends Violating Law

In the wake of Florida’s closely contested races for Senator and Governor, Broward County Elections Supervisor Brenda Snipes sought to defend violating state election laws. Under state law each county is required to report the number of ballots to be counted in a timely fashion. Broward was one of the two out of 67 counties not to do so.

Snipes contended that her lack of compliance with the law “was guided by a higher loyalty. It seems like every election new boxes of ballots keep being found in the darnedest places. In order to ensure that these voters are not disenfranchised it’s necessary to keep the process open.”

December 2
Liberals Talk Down to Blacks, Conservatives Don’t

A study by Cydney Dupree, assistant professor of organizational behavior at the Yale School of Management, found that liberals talk down to blacks. The research found that Democratic candidates used fewer competence-related words in speeches to audiences consisting mostly of minorities than they did in speeches to mostly white audiences. “It was kind of an unpleasant surprise to see this subtle, but persistent effect,” Dupree lamented. “Even if it’s ultimately well-intentioned, it could be seen as patronizing.”
Democratic National Committee Chairman Tom Perez defended the practice of talking down to minorities and cited his Party’s recent success in taking back the majority in the House of Representatives as “proof that this strategy works.”

December 9
DNC Chair Blames Religion for Obstructing Socialism

Democratic National Committee (DNC) Chair Tom Perez blamed religion for “poisoning peoples’ minds against the promise of socialism. No matter what we do through the media to try to advertise the benefits of socialism 24/7, the one hour a week people spend in church every Sunday is undermining our efforts.”
“The priest or pastor who is telling the congregation that being good and being charitable is a matter of personal responsibility directly contradicts the message of the Democratic Party,” Perez complained. “The notion of doing something because it is what God wants you to do dilutes the authority we have been assiduously trying to vest in government. It leaves it up to each individual to decide what he or she will do.”

“This reinforcement of individualism negates the collective solidarity our Party has been preaching,” Perez continued. “Experts should be the ones to decide what each person must do to support the collective well being of society. Individuals should accept and implement the decisions made for them by the experts.”

“While the cultural transformation that our Party has wrought over the decades by dominating public schools, universities, media, television and movies has made dramatic progress, the continued interference by religious institutions free to broadcast nonconforming messages may be something we need to seriously consider dealing with,” the DNC Chair suggested. “In China, the government reserves the right to approve the appointment of priests and pastors to churches. Maybe it’s time we do the same thing here in this country.”



Planned Parenthood Explains Policy Toward Pregnant Employees

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

A New York Times story describing the organization’s discrimination toward pregnant employees was dismissed by Planned Parenthood’s management. Newly appointed president Leana Wen explained that “visibly pregnant employees are ‘bad optics’ that work against our primary mission.”

“Look, we are trying to sell abortion procedures to our customers,” Wen said. “This is hard enough to do without the contradictory message being conveyed by employees who have let their personal lives intrude into their obligation to the organization. We have the right to take measures designed to discourage employees from undermining our business model out of a misplaced desire to bring another unneeded human into an overcrowded world.”

The “discouragements” management has aimed at pregnant employees include rejection of requests for breaks recommended by the employees’ doctors, denying pregnant employees and women who are viewed as likely to become pregnant promotions, the absence of paid maternity leave at 89% of Planned Parenthood’s regional offices, and openly boasting about the superior virtues of remaining single, being childless and/or lesbian.

NBC News Analyst Urges Indictment of Trump Children

NBC News legal analyst Jill Wine-Banks sent out a “tweet” suggesting that “if we can’t get Trump directly we could threaten to embroil his children in legal jeopardy.” Banks pointed out that “Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller used this tactic to persuade Gen. Flynn to plead guilty to a crime he didn’t commit. Maybe it would work the same magic if Trump’s sons and daughters were similarly threatened.”

Addressing concerns that such a tactic might be construed as extortion, Banks asserted “we are at war to determine who shall rule America. Will it be the obviously unqualified interloper Donald Trump? Or will it be the coalition of Republicans and Democrats who have controlled the government since the 1990s? We must use every possible weapon at our disposal to ensure that the right side wins this war.”

In related news, former FBI Director James Comey lauded Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller’s handling of the Flynn prosecution. “We we tried to lure Gen. Flynn into a perjury trap while he was Trump’s national security adviser and we couldn’t do it,” Comey admitted. “But Mueller was able to lose the original interview notes where our agents said they didn’t think Flynn was lying. Then, by threatening the General’s son with prosecution he was able to persuade him to plead guilty to lying to the FBI. It was sheer brilliance.”

Democrat Slams GOP Vote for Border Security Funding

Rising socialist star Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) expressed her outrage with Republican spending priorities that added $5.7 billion in border security funding and $3 billion in emergency disaster relief funds to the federal budget.

“They’ve shown their true colors,” she exclaimed. “They’d rather throw up barriers to the free migration that the United Nations has declared a human right than fund higher priorities like free college tuition, green jobs, prescription refills, and self-care for hard-working members of congress.”

She pointed to the inclusion of the emergency disaster relief money in the bill as “a not too subtle admission that blocking the migration of a class of people who we desperately need to supply the votes that will ensure the socialist transformation of this country constitutes a disaster of major magnitude.”

Dem Calls Trump Food Stamp Reform “Cruel and Unusual”

In a reversal of the Obama Administration’s granting states more latitude to waive work requirements as a condition for food stamp eligibility, President Trump has directed his Department of Agriculture to shift food aid recipients “from dependence to independence and from welfare to gainful employment—as the bipartisan law originally intended.”

Under the legislation creating the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP) able-bodied adults without children are required to work 20 hours per week or participate in job training in order to continue to receive benefits. States were allowed to waive this requirement if unemployment was too high to make finding a job a realistic option. During the sluggish economy that prevailed when Obama was president more and more states were granting blanket exemptions from the work requirement. Now that unemployment is at historic lows in most of the United States the Trump Administration wants to reduce the frequency of waivers.

Sen. Debbie Stabenow (D-Mich), the ranking minority member of the Senate Agriculture Committee, called Trump’s efforts “a potential violation of the Constitution. Previous administrations have recognized that compelling individuals to work for a living goes against the Eighth Amendment prohibition of cruel and unusual punishment. A wealthy country like ours has the means to relieve a substantial portion of the population from the necessity to toil for a living. Making the able-bodied segment of those receiving food aid accept jobs they would rather not do represents a return to the slavery that we fought a war to abolish in the 1860s. Hopefully, the courts will overturn this lurch toward tyranny by Trump.”

Trump, Pence, GOP Senators Will Be Ousted by Easter

Unsuccessful Florida Democratic candidate for Congress Pam Keith boldly predicted that President Trump, Vice-President Pence and a number of “criminally culpable Republican senators” would be ousted from office and under arrest before Easter 2019.

“Not only were Trump and his henchmen knee deep in a conspiracy with Russia to deny Hillary Clinton her rightful election as president, they are also guilty of obstructing the Special Counsel’s persecution of them. They have lied to the FBI—a most serious crime against the state—but also to the American people who they duped into voting for them. The GOP senators who have endorsed Trump’s judicial nominees have aided and abetted his tyranny. The Republicans in both Houses who approved his corporate tax cut have, as Michael Moore pointed out, committed an act of terrorism against this country.”

Keith demanded that “we cleanse our country of these criminals and traitors and clear the path for the social transformation that President Obama promised would bring the blessings of socialism to every loyal man, woman and child.”

In related news, State Senator Kevin Parker (D-Brooklyn) urged a staffer to kill herself after she complained that his vehicle was illegally parked in a bike lane blocking traffic. “Legislative staffers need to respect those they serve,” Parker argued. “I am a member of the government. I make laws for the people to obey. She should’ve appreciated that my needs for parking space supersede the needs of bicycle riders.”

Dane Chastised for Using Words “Illegal Migration”

Anders Vistisen, a Danish People’s Party member of the European Parliament, was chastised by British member Claude Moraes for using the phrase “illegal migration” during a discussion of illegal migration. Moraes rejected Vistisen’s argument that the phrase conformed to terminology used in the 2007 Lisbon Treaty on immigration and insisted that the correct phrase is “irregular migration because it is the phrase that parliament has been using for the last decade.”

Afterwards, Moraes allowed that “I should have expected this kind of insensitivity from a Dane. This isn’t their ‘first offense’ in such matters. Remember, it was Denmark that held the inexcusably offensive ‘draw Mohammed’ contest a few years ago. And just this month Denmark announced that criminal aliens who have completed their prison sentences, but can’t be deported because they would be at risk of being executed in their countries of origin, will be sent to a deserted island rather than be put back on the streets of Copenhagen. This policy directly contradicts the United Nation’s declaration that humans have a right to live wherever they want and nations have the obligation to take immigrants in and tend to their needs.”

Vistisen contends that “a debate about immigration that does not permit a distinction between legal and illegal migration is out of touch with reality. No nation should be obligated to admit migrants against its will. We have a right to object to having criminals invite themselves into our countries and prey upon our citizens. A refusal to frankly discuss the issue prevents a coherent solution to what has obviously become a significant threat to public safety.”

In related news, Swedish Moderate Party leader Ulf Kristersson urged Swedish youths “to learn Arabic if they hope to be able to survive once Muslims become the majority in our country. If Swedes hope to prosper I think conversion to Islam would be the most advisable course of action if we want to escape discriminatory taxes, inferior legal and social status, and regular humiliation at the hands of Muslim neighbors and government officials.”

German Minister Recommends “Reeducation” for Right-Wingers

Dr. Franziska Giffey, the Social-Democratic German Federal Minister for Family Affairs, wrote the forward for a brochure from the Amadeu Antonio Foundation recommending that children from right-wing families be sent to reeducation camps.

“The importance of ensuring that the next generation of Germans has the correct thoughts cannot be overemphasized,” Giffey wrote. “When it can be shown that a child’s parent harbor nonconforming or dissident opinions the need for remedial action is readily apparent. It is in the German state’s interest to see that action is taken. Enrolling these children in a setting that is isolated from the baleful influence of their parents is essential if we hope to succeed in molding them into a proper frame of mind to fit in with the socialist collective that we desire for Germany’s future.”

Comey Defends Actions Against Trump

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Fired FBI Director James Comey followed up his amnesiac performance in his testimony before House Judiciary and Oversight committees with a bit of self-congratulatory boasting about his cleverness.

“While I couldn’t remember the answers to most of the questions the dim-witted Republicans were asking me, I do recall some of the high points of my covert efforts to save the nation from the misrule of Donald Trump,” Comey said. “Publicly exonerating Secretary Clinton in July 2016 was probably the hardest punch I threw. By clearing her of all charges I neutralized a lot of the criticisms Trump and the Republicans tried to make against her. In a sane world that should have been enough to elect her, but as we saw, somehow the most unqualified person to ever seek the presidency defeated the most qualified.”

“However, patriot that I am, I didn’t let the unfortunate election outcome thwart my campaign to save the country,” Comey continued. “I saw a way to undermine a Trump Administration by embroiling it in concocted scandals. We used the FISA process to get court permission to spy on the Trump campaign. Republicans are now complaining that this was an inappropriate use of a law intended to protect America from hostile foreign powers. What they neglect to tell everyone is that 85% of the FISA cases are unwarranted and abusive. Since we were basically following standard procedure I don’t think the GOP will get anywhere with their complaints.”

“Then, starting with Gen. Flynn we set up a series of Trump associates for charges of obstruction,” Comey bragged. “A long time ago the Courts decided it was legal for law-enforcement personnel to lie to persons they are trying to nail for some sort of criminal offense. We told Flynn that a couple of FBI agents were going to chat with him and that he didn’t need a lawyer. He fell for it and opened himself up to a charge of lying to investigators when his remarks didn’t exactly match those we overheard using the FISA-approved phone intercepts.”

Comey concluded his remarks with a plea for voters to oust Trump in the 2020 election. “If we don’t get rid of him all the work I and others like Peter Strzok, Lisa Page, Andrew McCabe, Rod Rosenstein, Robert Mueller, and others could be undone. The ability of the FBI and its sister agencies to protect the country from intruders like Trump could be seriously damaged and the country left in the unsteady hands of a poorly informed electorate.”

Of course, Comey isn’t the only one to have gone above and beyond the law for the good of the country. Special Counsel Robert Mueller had the foresight to wipe clean the cell phones of Peter Strzok and Lisa Page before turning them over to DOJ Inspector General Michael Horowitz. And today, Mueller refused to handover documents requested by Judge Emmet Sullivan who is responsible for meting out a sentence on Gen. Flynn who plead guilty to lying to the FBI. As Mueller explained, “our ability to carry out our mission must be immunized from interference from those harboring incompatible objectives. Law enforcement’s efforts to neutralize threats to the nation must remain free from interference from any source. That includes Congress, the Courts, and the Administration we are battling against.”

In related news, Letitia James, who will become attorney general of the State of New York in January, has pledged to use her office as a weapon against everyone associated with President Trump. “We know the names, all we have to do is come up with crimes we can plausibly pin on each of them,” she asserted. “We cannot sit idly by and expect heroes like Comey and Mueller to do all the dirty work. As New York’s chief prosecutor I have wide powers that can be used to hound these people out of office and into jail.”

China Demands Reparations for Pollution

China is the leading emitter of CO2 among the nations of the world. Its CO2 emissions are more than double those of the United States. Yet, the Paris Accord negotiated by former President Obama exempts China from contributing to pollution emission reductions. On top of that, the Accord obligates signers from developed nations to pay less developed nations $100 billion per year in climate related aid starting in 2020.

Xie Zhenhua, China’s lead envoy at the United Nations conference on global warming in Poland, castigated the developed countries for “neglecting to compensate us for the environmental damage they have done to the world,” calling them “deadbeats and welshers, especially the United States, whose President Trump has withdrawn from the agreement negotiated by President Obama.”

Trump didn’t entirely disagree with China’s position, saying “Obama and the European signers made unrealistic promises while simultaneously letting some of the worst CO2 emitters off the hook. Even more important, though, wrecking the economy in an attempt to reduce CO2 seems a bad bargain. The impact on global temperatures of doing this would be tiny. Beside that, CO2 has some positive effects on plant growth improving crop yields and stimulating forest growth. I don’t think the guys rushing into the Paris Accord adequately considered all the consequences of their actions, or as Xie has pointed out, inactions.”

Evidence of Clintons’ Tax Evasion Presented To House

This week, Lawrence Doyle and John Moynihan of DM Income Advisors told the House subcommittee on government operations that they forwarded thousands of documents to the IRS showing that Bill and Hillary Clinton may have neglected to pay taxes on $400 million to $2.5 billion in money they cycled through the Clinton Foundation’s so-called charity.

Clinton Foundation CEO Kevin Thurm dismissed the allegations as “just another ploy by the vast right-wing conspiracy that has been harassing Bill and Hillary for decades. No one in government has ever seen fit to pursue any indictments for anything that they have done in their long and illustrious careers of public service. We don’t expect that to change.”

To bolster his contention, Thurm pointed out that “the special investigator brought on board the Department of Justice by former Attorney General Jeff Sessions twice lost the evidence that so-called whistleblowers tried to force him to look at. And let’s not forget that former FBI Director James Comey completely exonerated Hillary for her misuse of classified information—a violation for which less important individuals have been sent to prison. When are these fringe anti-government types going to get it through their heads that their efforts to hold the Clintons responsible are quixotic exercises in futility?”

Dems Seek to Grease Skids for Tax Increase

Now that they will be back in the majority in the House of Representatives starting in January, Democrats are looking to ways to make raising taxes on Americans easier. Incoming House Rules Committee chairman Rep. Jim McGovern (D-Mass) announced he will not be abiding by the formerly bipartisan agreement to require a three-fifths majority to raise income taxes. “It should not be so hard for the government to seize the wealth that collectively belongs to the state,” McGovern said.

“The notion that the person who earns an income should have protection against the government taking a bigger slice of it before he can waste it on frivolous spending is capitalist propaganda,” McGovern charged. “As former President Obama so eloquently pointed out, wealth is not the result of individual effort. It is the outcome of the collective effort of the whole world. At some point, the decisions on how wealth will be distributed is something that the United Nations will handle. In the meantime, in this country, no agency is better positioned than Congress to decide how that wealth should be spent.”

Caravan Update

The caravan of people trying to illegally enter the United States is taking steps to vindicate President Trump’s policy of keeping them out. On the one hand, 280 of them have been arrested by Mexican police for burglarizing residences in Tijuana. Meanwhile, another 100 of them have tried their hand at extortion by demanding $50,000 apiece as the price of them ceasing to assault the border and go home.

The Trump Administration has flatly rejected this blackmail demand, but House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) and Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) urged consideration of what they termed “a reasonable request.”

“Look, we aren’t going to fund any border enforcement,” Schumer said. “Trump isn’t going to get a wall. He isn’t going to get more border guards. It isn’t in the Democratic Party’s interest to keep these immigrants out. Each one of them is a future vote for Democratic candidates who will build and support the welfare state that serves as the chief draw for a majority of those wanting to get in. If I were Trump I’d jump at the chance of paying them to stay out. From the GOP’s perspective that would be the sensible political and economic strategy.”

The Democrats’ open border policy was given a psychological boost by a Gallup poll finding indicating that 758 million of the worlds inhabitants want to move to a different country for a better life and 158 million of these want to move to the United States. “This is a very ‘bullish’ sign for the future of the Democratic Party,” Pelosi boasted. “The current GOP ascendancy is just a temporary ‘day in the sun’ for them. We’re confident that within a decade no one who isn’t a Democrat will be able to win any elective office in any state of the union.”

27 Percent Say Santa Should Get Sex Change

A survey of 400 people conducted for the GraphicSprings company found 27 percent of respondents suggesting that Santa undergo a sex-change. As one respondent put it, “males have hogged this role for centuries why shouldn’t women get a chance to play this part?”

An even more radical idea was offered by another respondent who suggested that “if we really want to keep up with trends, Santa should be transgender. Think of the inclusiveness this would communicate. By slicing off his scrotum, fashioning a vagina out of his penis, and plumping up his chest with implants we’d create a powerful spokesperson for the idea that everyone can truly be whoever they want to be.”

In other Christmas news, the French national government announced it will fine the town of Béziers 2,000 Euros per day if it does not remove a miniature Nativity scene on display in the courtyard of the Hôtel de Ville. President Macron explained that “the Nativity diorama is a threat to public safety. Any display of non-Muslim religious images has the potential to ignite a killing spree from the immigrant contingent in our country. It is better that we intimidate the people of Béziers with financial penalties than risk a massacre.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.

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