Rift Between Sanders & AOC

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Democratic presidential contender Sen. Bernie Sanders’ campaign manager Faiz Shakir is reportedly peeved over Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s neglect to sufficiently mention Sanders’ name as she was campaigning on his behalf while he was tied up at Trump’s impeachment trial in the Senate.

Ocasio-Cortez brushed aside Shakir’s complaints, saying “revolution is not about egotistic self-aggrandizement. It’s about being right on the issues. Socialism is for the masses. Individuals don’t matter. The collective does.”

“In terms of ideology, she is, of course, correct,” Shakir said. “However, we need to have voters select the name of the person they want to be their president. It is not enough to recapitulate our grievances against capitalism. Repeating the candidate’s name on the campaign trail is essential to informing voters who will carry out the socialist program. In this regard AOC fell short.”

US Oil Production Undermines OPEC

Last year, oil production on federally owned land topped one billion barrels. This is up by 29 percent over the peak quantity produced during any year of the Obama Administration. Acting Assistant Secretary of the Interior Casey Hammond credited President Trump for the increase, saying that “opening up land that President Obama had put off limits has led to the United States becoming the world’s foremost energy supplier. This has lowered prices, boosted our economy and weakened the oil cartel.”

Former Vice-President Joe Biden pounced on this accomplishment, calling it “a wrong turn. We need to wean ourselves off of fossil fuels. President Obama understood that in order to do this prices had to be high enough to deter people from consuming energy. The economic boom unleashed by Trump’s policies on energy, taxes, and regulations have derailed the fundamental transformation Obama had in mind—less energy consumption, slower economic growth, and more modest standards of living for Americans.”

“Trump has foolishly flaunted his America first agenda,” Biden added. “This antagonizes other nations who were looking forward to the greater equality that President Obama had promised them. That’s why we need a president like me to replace him. I am the guy who can take this country down a peg or two, reassure the rest of the world that we’re just an average run-of-the-mill country so they have nothing to fear from us, and, thereby, promote more lasting peace.”

In related news, Biden vowed “to put a stop to the extreme loss of ice in Antarctica by issuing an emergency Executive Order to begin immediate shipments of some of those giant fans like they have near Palm Springs to cool the place down. I will also authorize immediate entry into the United States for any Antarcticans whose igloos are destroyed by the melting ice.”

Buttigieg & Klobuchar Spar Over Pro-Lifers

Surging Democratic presidential candidates former South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg and Sen. Amy Klobuchar (Minn) staked out different positions concerning whether individuals opposed to abortion could be good Democrats.

Buttigieg asserted that “the Bible tells us that life begins with breath. As long as the baby can be prevented from breathing no transgression occurs from aborting its birth. The platform of the Democratic Party conforms to this Biblical guideline by favoring the right of every woman to have an abortion if she wants one. A person who opposes this very fundamental human right isn’t really a Democrat. Allowing such a person inside the Party makes about as much sense as allowing an Independent to run for our Party’s presidential nomination.”

Klobuchar disagreed, saying “I believe we are a ‘big tent’ Party. Of course our policy will always be 100 percent supportive toward a woman’s right to an abortion. However, I see no reason why pro-life individuals should be barred as long as they don’t publicly oppose the party’s stance. Winning elections requires effort. Every dollar, every phone call, every door-to-door visit helps. It would be foolish for us to refuse to take their donations of time and money. If they provide this help their person opinions don’t matter.”

Meanwhile, former Vice-President Joe Biden inadvertently endorsed Pete Buttigieg for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination, saying “this guy has honor, he has courage, he’s smart as hell, clean and a good looking guy.” These words were reminiscent of those he used to endorse Barack Obama after his own bid for the Democratic presidential nomination failed in 2008. Reminded of this, Biden pointed out that “being VP isn’t a bad gig. Not too much is expected of you. You get to travel to exotic places, make new friends, and pursue business opportunities that aren’t available to average schmos. Heck, I’d re-up for that as Pete’s number two guy.”

DNC Bends Rules for Bloomberg

Even though the late-entry Democratic presidential candidate, former New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg, doesn’t meet the party’s donor criteria for participating in the debates, Democratic National Committee chairman Tom Perez has decided to waive the requirements “for now.”

“I know that some will say that changing the rules at this late date is unfair to other candidates who have met all criteria and to other candidates who have been excluded for not meeting the criteria,” Perez admitted. “In my defense I ask Party members to just look at the sorry field of candidates we have left. We’ve got a communist leading the pack, a callow small-town mayor in second place, an addlepated former vice-president, a forked-tongued Indian impersonator, and a senator nobody’s ever heard of. As the head of the DNC I can’t sit by and allow the Party to go down in flames if one of these weak reeds tries to go head-to-head with Trump.”

“Let’s face it, the ‘grassroots’ ploy hasn’t produced a credible array of potential presidents,” Perez continued. “Mayor Bloomberg has money. In politics money talks. More specifically, Bloomberg’s money was crucial in helping the Party buy controlling interest in the Virginia legislature in the 2018 elections. He’s said he will spend whatever it takes of his multibillion dollar fortune to defeat Trump. That sounds like a more viable strategy than limping along with tiny donations from millions of ordinary people.”

According to the new debate rules, Bloomberg will be allowed to participate via pre-recorded campaign ads that will be played whenever a debate moderator calls on the candidate to respond to a question. Perez explained that “Michael told me that the amount of money he has to spend far outdistances the amount of time he is willing to spend on this campaign. He assures me that he will check in on the debates from his home in Bermuda if he is not too busy when they air.”

Warren Boasts About Taking Half a Bank Account

This week, fading presidential aspirant Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) boasted of receiving half of a low-income supporter’s total wealth to carry on her fight for the nomination. The “half” consisted of $3 out of a net worth of $6.

To many it seemed a callous act to take so much from someone who had so little. Warren didn’t see it that way. “In a way, it’s like buying a lottery ticket,” she contended. “If I’m elected I’m going to cancel her college debt. That’s thousands of dollars in return for her $3 donation.”

“It’s also a model for the kind of social justice system I’m trying to bring to our country,” she added. “In a just society everyone gives whatever they have to the collective. In return, the collective gives each person what she or he needs. All the anxiety and fretting over what is and isn’t affordable will be erased. If the government deems you need something and are worthy of having it, it will be given to you. Likewise, if your skills and efforts are needed to accomplish a goal the government is trying to fulfill, you will be assigned to accomplish this goal. No one will have to look for work. Work will be assigned based on ability. Alienation and loneliness will be abolished. All of humanity will toil for the common good.”

Nadler Warns Barr

This week House Judiciary Chairman Jerrold Nadler (D-NY) sent a letter to Attorney General William Barr warning him “to not go too far with this whole Ukrainian thing” and “to stop listening to Giuliani.”

President Donald Trump’s lawyer Rudy Giuliani claims to have witnesses and evidence implicating the Obama White House in a covert attempt to use US government resources in an illegal operation to undermine the 2016 Trump campaign. “The great irony of the whole ‘Russian collusion’ accusation against Donald Trump is that it was President Obama, the FBI, and CIA that were colluding against Trump,” Guiliani said. “That’s the truth and the American people deserve to hear it.”

Thus far, Barr doesn’t seem to be moved by Nadler’s entreaties. “Sure, I’ll look at the information Giuliani has turned over to the DOJ. I’ll look at whatever evidence anyone turns over. Whether any of it will lead to any prosecutions or indictments can’t be determined until I thoroughly examine it.”

Unsettled by Barr’s response, Nadler pointed out that “this thing is bigger than whether the Bidens engaged in any untoward actions. A lot of important people are concerned about where this is headed. This includes former Secretary of State John Kerry, Sen. Mitt Romney, Bill and Hillary Clinton, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and billionaire activist George Soros. I’m not sure Barr appreciates the potential consequences of carrying this investigation any further. Remember what happened to Jeffrey Epstein.”

Competing Climate Change Approaches

Two radically different approaches for how to mitigate the potential negative impacts of climate change have been advanced recently. On the left we have The Ahuman Manifesto—a tract authored by Patricia MacCormack, a professor of continental philosophy at Anglia Ruskin University in the United Kingdom. The Professor argues for human extinction as the best solution to the perils of climate change.

“My interest in feminism and queer theory led me by a process of logical deduction to the conclusion that the human race must be exterminated in order to save the planet for other species,” she said. “Humankind is currently enslaved by capitalism. Killing people frees them from this slavery. Hitler, Stalin, and Mao were on the right track. By murdering millions they bravely paved the way for my theory to evolve. Many people are surprised by my book’s joyful and radical compassion for living creatures.”

On the right, we have Republicans in the House of Representatives introducing legislation giving tax-incentives for planting trees. Rep. Garret Graves (LA) called this legislation “a fact-based, realistic approach. Instead of wrecking our economy and generating more poverty and suffering by penalizing energy production, why not offset carbon emissions by feeding them to trees? Trees absorb CO2 and turn it into wood. This wood can be used to build housing, furniture, and other long-lasting implements that are beautiful and useful. In the process we also get more forests.”

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) harshly criticized the bill, saying “it does nothing about the most severe threat to the climate: Donald Trump. Rather than directly face this threat, Republicans are trying to push painless solutions to averting climate catastrophe. I say, ‘no pain, no gain.’ People must be taught a lesson. In this regard, I think Professor MacCormack’s approach is closer to what I believe the ultimate answer to climate change will have to be.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Employment Growth Rankles Sanders

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

The latest employment report for the US economy has Democratic presidential contender Sen. Bernie Sanders (Vt) warning voters about “Trump’s insidious plan to coerce the working class into actually working for a living. The leisure gains painstakingly accumulated over decades of government’s expansion of welfare benefits are being cast aside for a reactionary return to wage-slavery.”

Among the statistics assailed by Sanders were substantial “increases in labor force participation rates to highs not seen in decades, the disproportionate shift of the burden of production toward minorities, and the pitifully small boost in wages. These are not sufficient replacements for the staggering loss of welfare benefits being received by the poorest among us. The Bureau of Labor Statistics is reporting that Black unemployment is now at its lowest point and wages at their highest point since we’ve been keeping track. Lifestyles that provided secure standards of living without forcing people to enter the rat race of the commercial marketplace are being swept away.”

The Candidate vowed to “reverse this ominous trend when I become president. Instead of pushing people into the job of feeding the golden goose, my administration will use the power of government to seize the goose and serve it to the people as reparations for the centuries of capitalistic exploitation that have enslaved the masses.”

Defections Plague Warren Campaign

This week, a half-dozen “women of color” defected from Sen. Elizabeth Warren’s effort to win Democratic presidential delegates in Nevada. Megan Lewis, a field organizer blamed “a toxic culture that marginalized me as a woman of color. None of my suggestions were ever acted upon. I felt I was only on-board to give the appearance that the Candidate cared about my issues or me as a person.”

In response, Warren cited “America’s long history of racism and sexism” for the dust-up. “As a Native American woman, I, too, had to face racism and sexism on my path to eminence at Harvard and the US Senate. My mistake was in assuming that lesser people could persevere as I had. I was wrong. For this I hold Trump and every white male who has not supported my campaign personally responsible.”

Kristen Orthman, Warren’s campaign spokesperson, lamented “the actions of these campaign staffers. In a campaign there is only one chief and many ‘Indians.’ Each of these ‘Indians’ has an assigned role. For some, just being a visible member of a desirable demographic is their key function. Decisions on strategies, tactics, and how we communicate to voters are made at a higher level. Anyway, I think we shouldn’t blow this out of proportion. We have more than a thousand people in our organization. These six malcontents represent less than one-percent of our troops fighting for the social justice the Senator will bring to this country as president.”

Buttigieg Threatens Senators

Bolstered by news that he was the choice of 26 percent of Iowa Democrats in this week’s presidential nomination caucus, former South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg struck a “no tolerance for congressional defiance” stance and vowed to “land Air Force One in the backyard of anyone of them who opposes my policies” during an interview with CNN’s Chris Cuomo.

Oddly, the Mayor characterized his approach as “the very essence of what democracy is all about. The President is the elected leader of all of America. Senators and Representatives are elected by much smaller constituencies. We cannot allow these smaller constituencies to block the will of the majority who elected me.”

“Couldn’t President Trump have made a similar claim?” Cuomo asked. “He was elected to represent the entire nation, yet Congress, or at least the Democrats in Congress, have worked diligently against his policies and even impeached him. Why would you expect Congress not to oppose you?”

“Well, Trump was not really the people’s choice,” Buttigieg replied. “Early on, key members of the FBI realized that and took steps to try to prevent him from being president. Sadly, this effort, so far, has failed. The same wouldn’t be true in my case. I come to restore democracy to our country, not to undermine it like Trump has.”

Senator Denounced for Naming “Whistleblower”

Obama’s CIA Director John Brennan denounced Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ken) for naming Eric Ciaramella as the person behind the Democrats impeachment case against President Trump. “This man is beneath contempt,” Brennan asserted. “The effective wielding of power by government relies upon access to secret informers who must be able to make allegations without fear of contradiction or public disclosure of their identities. The supposed right to confront one’s accuser may be affordable when the issues are not so weighty. But the state must not be boxed in by this quaint artifact from the Bill of Rights. Too much is at stake for government’s hands to be tied so tightly.”

Paul responded saying “I categorically reject Mr. Brennan’s concept of how a government ought to be run. It was in response to tyrannical government practices entailing secret trials, anonymous witnesses, torture, and punishment without trials that led our Founding Fathers to include restrictions on such abuses in our Bill of Rights. Accusations can’t be fairly adjudicated if accusers are kept anonymous and testimony kept secret like Rep. Schiff did in the House’s impeachment hearings. No witnesses for the accused were permitted. And the primary accuser—the so-called whistleblower—was never allowed to be cross-examined.”

Brennan was not impressed by Paul’s critcism and suggested that “he is the kind of person that would have been a candidate for a drone strike when President Obama ruled. In fact, I think if we had been able to isolate him outside the country somewhere in the Middle East we’d have probably taken the opportunity to dispose of him and neutralize his threat to national security.”

“Green Light” Law Costs New Yorkers Travel Privileges

New York’s so-called “Green Light” law authorizing persons in the US illegally to obtain drivers’ licenses has led the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) to revoke expedited travel privileges for anyone using these licenses as identification for air travel.

Ken Cuccinelli, acting deputy secretary of DHS explained that “the state’s efforts to grant sanctuary to illegal immigrants by blocking us from verifying the license holder’s identity prevents us from protecting air travelers from potential terrorist attacks carried out by persons having this document. Our only safe option is to deny all New York licensees access to sped up security screening at ports of entry.”

Gov. Andrew Cuomo called the DHS action “unfair and discriminatory. Under the Tenth Amendment to the US Constitution it is our state’s right to license anyone we choose. We choose to extend the right to drive to everyone living in our state without regard to whether they may have broken some federal law to get into the United States. DHS is retaliating against our state for political reasons. I will be contacting House Judiciary Chairman Jerry Nadler (D-NY) to see about conducting an investigation of this latest abuse of power by Trump.”

Cuccinelli called the Governor’s complaint “unreasonable” and his argument “insane. New York has also banished requiring bail be posted for suspects accused of violent crimes. Instead, they are released back onto the streets, where they are free to commit additional crimes or escape the jurisdiction. Public safety is the most vital obligation of government. Cuomo may be willing to sacrifice this obligation in order to curry political favor from certain constituencies, but we are not. We wish New York would vet seekers of its driving licenses. However, until they do we will not be permitting the unvetted holders of these licenses to endanger properly vetted air travelers.”

Pelosi Throws Tantrum Over SOTU Speech

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) characterized President Trump’s State-of-the-Union speech as “a manifesto of lies and misrepresentations” and tore it to shreds as most of the audience loudly applauded his remarks.

Her first complaint alleged that “he refused to shake my hand. That’s how demeaning he is to those he disagrees with.” As it so happens, Trump didn’t shake hands with Vice-President Mike Pence either before he stood at the podium to speak.

Pelosi also found fault with Trump’s invited guests. “Who is he to presume to honor the last surviving Tuskegee airman?” she demanded to know. “The Tuskegee airmen were all black men. Black votes are the property of the Democratic Party and have been since the Roosevelt Administration. Trump only invited this old black man to try to steal black votes away from us.”

“And the insufferable surviving family members a couple of individuals—one killed by a terrorist and another by an undocumented immigrant—these aren’t important people,” she insisted. “They just served as props for Trump’s animus toward foreigners. Only a tiny percentage of Americans are killed by foreigners. Even if every one of these victims had been spared by a more vigorous effort against these types of crimes it would not be statistically significant.”

“Neither can I see the point in celebrating the survival of a baby born prematurely,” Pelosi observed. “She is one person who lived. Far more of a similar age in the womb are aborted each year. To use this now healthy and happy young child as evidence for why restricting abortions would be a good policy is hitting below the belt.”

“In sum, it was a totally shameful performance designed to convince the American people that things are going well,” she concluded. “Clearly, they are not going well. An obviously guilty abuser of power was acquitted by the Senate. This miscarriage of justice will have repercussions that will haunt our nation for generations to come.”

Bloomberg Defends Misleading Campaign Ad

An ad containing film footage showing children in cages and blaming President Trump’s border enforcement policies was actually recorded during the Obama Administration. Aspiring Democratic presidential contender former New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg defended the ad, calling it “a white lie in service to a greater cause.”

“While the images are from the previous administration, they support the widely held belief among Democrats that Trump is the real villain of the immigration crisis,” Bloomberg argued. “I believe efforts to restrict entry into the United States are wrong. We need low-wage workers to do the menial jobs Americans don’t want to do and to cast the votes needed to elect Democrats to office. These vital objectives outweigh any obligation to tell the absolute truth. History has shown that even the baldest lie, if repeated often enough, will eventual become the accepted reality. I’m glad that I have the financial resources to implement this historically proven political strategy.”

Romney Explains Impeachment Vote

As the sole Republican vote for convicting President Trump in his impeachment trial in the Senate, Mitt Romney (R-Ut) cited his “conscience” as the basis for siding with Democrats who have been eager to oust Trump since the day he was elected.

“Many in my own Party tried to convince me that there had to be evidence of a crime before a president should be removed from office,” the Senator said. “But my belief in God tells me that, if in my heart I’m convinced he is guilty, I must vote to take him out.”

“The parade of government officials that Rep. Schiff presented, who sincerely believed that Trump’s policies toward Ukraine were wrong was very persuasive,” Romney maintained. “Who, after all, is better positioned to determine our policy toward Ukraine? The career professionals who have been running this policy from long before Trump ever imagined he might become president? Or an outsider who spent his life owning and operating hotels until he unexpectedly was elected president? Based on the plaudits I’ve received from so many since my courageous vote, my conscience tells me I made the right choice.”

Sen. Richard Blumenthal (D-Conn) said “Senator Romney’s historic vote brought tears of joy to my eyes. Given the lackluster roster of candidates for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination, I think our Party could do a lot worse than to try to snag this man of valor to run on our ticket. I think if we were to look closely at his political history we’d see that his views on government aren’t so different from ours. He did champion an Obamacare-style of health insurance in Massachusetts when he was governor there. Paired with a reliable Democrat like Secretary Clinton, I think he could bring a lot of Republicans over to our side in November.”

Romney thanked Blumenthal for “your kind words” and expressed interest in being on a fusion ticket with Clinton, “but only as the vice-president nominee. I fear that being elected president with Mrs. Clinton as my VP might endanger my life.”

Biden Denounces Limbaugh Medal of Freedom Award

Democratic presidential candidate, former Vice-President Joe Biden denounced President Trump for awarding the Medal of Freedom to talk radio legend Rush Limbaugh, calling it “a travesty and stain on American history. I don’t think he understands the American code of decency and honor.”

“President Obama awarded me with this medal in 2017,” Biden remembered. “Compared to me, what has Limbaugh done to advance the cause of freedom? For more than 30 years he has been loudly on the wrong side of every social, political, and economic issue. He believes that people ought to work to support themselves, that babies shouldn’t be aborted, that the right to bear arms shouldn’t be infringed, that freedom of speech shouldn’t be limited. I mean, every stand he has taken has been debunked by fact-checkers across the media. Why does he deserve a medal?”

“In contrast, I have made my fortune in service to the public sector,” the former Veep boasted. “I started with nothing and after more than 40 years in government I was not only able to enrich myself, but I gave a hand up to everyone in my family—my brothers, my children. Limbaugh doesn’t even have any children. He’s not a hard-body like me. He’s doughy and unattractive. I could easily best him at push-ups or beat the snot out of him in a fist fight. He and I aren’t in the same league. Awarding him the Medal of Freedom taints those of us who truly earned ours.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Sanders Says Capitalism Destroys Social Bonds

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Candidate for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination Sen. Bernie Sanders (Vt) took direct aim at the prosperity message of the Trump reelection campaign in his bid to become the nation’s next leader. “Wages may be up and unemployment at record lows, but the Trump economy lacks the social cohesion needed for a true human society,” he asserted. “Before capitalism supplanted feudalism there were solid social bonds between lords and serfs. Neither class could renege on its social responsibility to the other. Now employers can simply dismiss employees if they are redundant or unproductive and employees are free to seek other jobs just to get higher pay. This needs to stop.”

Sanders went on to propose a plan that would require government approval for businesses to discharge employees or for employees to leave their posts without good cause. “Society invests a lot of social and economic capital in the ways we do business,” Sanders pointed out. “This includes things like public schools and public infrastructure. We cannot allow this investment to be squandered due to personal greed. Under socialism it is government’s responsibility to ensure that this doesn’t happen.”

The candidate said he would “expect all parties to cooperate in the transition to socialism. I will be patient, but only up to a point. If resisters obstruct change, assets will be seized and non-co-operators can be sent for reeducation. Greed will be exterminated and need will replace it as the factor allocating resources and rewards. We will finally achieve the utopia promised by Karl Marx where all toil for the common good.”

In related news, rival contender for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination, former Vice-President Joe Biden also criticized the Trump prosperity. “During the Obama era, young men like my son were able to make millions of dollars,” he said. “Under Trump’s policies, young men are being forced to work for much smaller gains. I just don’t buy the argument that millions making small gains outweighs the opportunity to strike it rich without having to put in such long and hard work. I think most voters will agree with me on this.”

Test Shows Dems Dumber than Average

While the guests and host on CNN’s Don Lemon program got some good laughs among themselves pretending that Trump supporters are ignoramuses, the General Social Survey (GSS)—a test of verbal ability and science knowledge contradicts their premise.

Most interesting in the latest edition of the GSS was the finding that less than half (49.6 percent) of the Democrats participating in the test were able to select the correct answer regarding whether the sun orbits the Earth or vice versa and whether it takes a day, month, or year to complete one orbit. The average correct response rate for all test participants was higher than for Democrats alone, but still a dismal 57.1 percent.

Democratic National Committee Chairman Tom Perez called the comparison “unfair and racist. The Democratic Party is home to a large percentage of African-Americans and Hispanics who have been under-educated in our public school systems. It’s not fair to compare their knowledge vs. whites who are naturally more attentive and well-behaved in school. Besides, is knowledge about whether to Earth orbits the sun or not an important factor in deciding who to vote for in an election?”

In related news, Perez accused Trump of “poaching voters. For decades the Democratic Party has depended on the votes of minorities to win elections. Now polls are showing that Trump has a 42 percent favorability rating among blacks. And an alarmingly large portion of the black vote may go to Trump in 2020. His programs promoting increased economic prosperity among African-Americans unfairly invades our Party’s territory. We are going to ask the FCC and FEC to bar any broadcast appeals from the Trump campaign targeting the minority vote.”

Moscow Irked Over Zelensky’s WWII Comments

Russian President Vladimir Putin’s spokesman Dmitry Peskov expressed his displeasure with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky’s true observation that “it was the Molotov-Ribbentrop Pact of 1939 that led to the start of World War II. A secret clause of this pact allowed Nazi Germany and the Soviet Union to jointly invade and dismember Poland.”

Peskov adamantly disagreed, saying that “we do not accept this statement. We consider it erroneous and offensive. As President Putin pointed out last month, it was collusion between Poland and Hitler that led to the Nazis invading Poland in September 1939. It was only later in the month when Russian troops moved in to protect the eastern half of Poland from being overrun by Germans and gave us the opportunity to execute the 10,000 Polish Army officers who opposed the gift of communism Stalin wished to bestow upon them.”

Sergei Naryshkin, head of Russia’s foreign intelligence service, also complained that “Zelensky is getting increasingly drawn towards ideas of Ukrainian nationalism and independence that are out-of-line with the international socialist movement. We may have to seize more than just the Crimea to stem this reactionary trend.”

CNN Mocks Trump’s Virus Task Force

This week, President Trump formed a team of health experts to address the coronavirus outbreak. The problem, according to CNN, is that this team is not “diversified.”

CNN analyst Brandon Tensley lamented the lack of any minorities on the task force. “All we heard from Trump was that he was choosing the best experts in the world for this job,” Tensley said. “President Obama would not have been so single minded. When he had the opportunity to appoint a task force to deal with the 2014 Ebola outbreak he carefully balanced expertise with the need to provide opportunities for minorities to advance their careers.”

“Over the long term, lack of racial and gender diversity is a more serious threat than any disease we might face,” Tensley maintained. “Disease strikes indiscriminately without regard to race or gender. It is an equal-opportunity slayer of humans. Lack of diversity is an insidious prejudice eating away at social justice. I, for one, would much rather risk a less effective effort against any virus than the failure to achieve more opportunities for minorities to advance. I think the majority of people would agree with me on this.”

In related news, presidential candidate Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) suggested that “we might want to consider China’s proposal to cull the segment of the population that is suspected of carrying the coronavirus. If by sacrificing some we can save the larger collective I think it is a step we must contemplate. I would hope that the culling could be carried out in a fashion that has all racial and ethnic groups equally represented.”

Chief Justice Censors Senator

At the impeachment trial of President Trump being conducted in the Senate, Chief Justice of the US Supreme Court John Roberts refused to carry out his duty to read a question posed by Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ken). Paul tried to ask what involvement Rep. Schiff’s staff might have had with Obama Administration holdovers in efforts to oust Trump from office.

Roberts, as had Schiff before him during the House impeachment investigation, said he “blocked the question because it might lead to the disclosure of the whistle blower’s identity. The government often relies on confidential informants to build a case against a lawbreaker. The future willingness of persons to levy charges against public officials could be negatively affected if they had to come forward and face possible cross-examination under oath. This, in my opinion, is a greater threat to our democracy than denying the accused the presumed right to face his accuser.”

Though the so-called whistle blower’s identity is widely known—both Schiff and Roberts have to have known his identity in order to block questions that might lead to naming him—his long-term animus and scheming against Trump is not. In 2017, long before the July 2019 Trump-Zelensky phone call, Eric Ciaramella was active in plotting how to remove Trump from office. Surely, this animosity should raise questions concerning the veracity of the so-called whistle blower’s accusations. Surely, the defense should have a right to cross-examine him under oath so jurors could assess his credibility.

Schiff praised Roberts’ “courage in defense of those of us fighting against the tyranny Trump would inflict on this country. Many of my staff have put in long hours working under the radar with fellow patriots to unseat this monster by whatever means we can. It is good to know we have an ally ensconced at the highest level of our government.”

Warren Wants to Criminalize “Disinformation”

Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Elizabeth Warren (Mass) promised to enact censorship of misleading political speech if she becomes president. “We need new laws that impose tough civil and criminal penalties for disseminating false information related to U.S. Elections,” she says.

“Trump is the poster boy for disseminating false information,” Warren claims. “He has sent thousands of lies over electronic media—both on Twitter and Face Book. These include assertions that his policies have been good for the middle class and minorities when everyone knows they are not. These lies influence how people vote. That undermines democracy. I hope that the FEC is active in shutting down this disinformation in the run up to November, but clearly we need stronger laws that will more effectively deter this scourge.”

“Following my victory in November I will assemble a task force to propose meaningful sanctions on violators,” Warren vowed. “Assets of offending businesses will be seized. Corporate executives will be prosecuted. Individuals will be sentenced to community service working for socially progressive organizations in a bid to reeducate them and save them from harsher punishments.”

Pelosi Threatens Second Impeachment

Miffed that Trump “has not sufficiently appreciated the humiliation of being impeached,” House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) warned “we will impeach him again if voters don’t turn him out of office this Fall.”

“When I think about how President Clinton was unfairly impeached and has to bear that stain forever I see the need for further action against Trump going forward,” she explained. “So far, three presidents have been impeached. But Andrew Johnson and Bill Clinton were only impeached once. Next year we will make Trump the first president to be impeached twice. Even if we can’t get a conviction, he will still be impeached forever—twice. He will be the only person in history impeached twice. The only way he can avoid such a stain on his reputation in the history books is to resign like Nixon did.”

In addition, Pelosi demanded that Trump’s impeachment defense team members be disbarred. “If Bill Clinton could be disbarred for lying about sex, then all the lawyers who lied for Trump in the Senate trial should be disbarred as well,” she added. “Informed opinion is unanimous that Trump is guilty. Any lawyers who help a guilty man escape punishment should not be allowed to practice law.”

 

NJ Gov Announces Road Closure

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

New Jersey Gov. Phil Murphy (D) announced that the main route to the Jan. 28 Trump rally site in Wildwood will be closed “so work can be done to repair the roadway. I realize that the deplorables who need their regular infusion of Trump’s lies may be inconvenienced, but those who will be deterred from participating in this brainwashing event will have cause to thank me later.”

Profs Protest Pro-Life Film

Forty-three faculty members of King’s University College at Western University in Ontario, Canada signed a letter demanding that the college administration “apologize for allowing this film to be shown on campus. The film’s message that it is okay to oppose abortion is not fit to be aired at an institution of higher learning.” The film—Unplanned—is based on the true story of Abby Johnson, a former Planned Parenthood clinic manager who became a pro-life advocate after personally witnessing an abortion “procedure.”

The film’s showing was sponsored by the college’s Campus Ministry as part of its effort to facilitate campus life “rooted in the Roman Catholic tradition.” Especially irksome to the 43 professors was Campus Ministry Director Rev. Michael Bechard’s post-airing comment that “we hope the film will send a message to women that we are concerned about unborn children.”

“Since when do the special interests of the unborn take precedence over the unalienable right of a woman to terminate her unwanted offspring?” asked Professor of Women’s Studies Dr. Sheila Butcher, one of letter’s signers. “It’s bad enough that people are permitted to privately hold such views. Principal Malloy’s attempt to justify this intrusion on the grounds that a university is a place for open inquiry and discussion is an atrocity that we must not tolerate if we hope to elevate humanity from the inhuman religious dogma that impedes progressive ideas.”

Trump Gives Powerful Pro-Life Message

President Trump became the first US president to participate in the annual March for Life where he declared January 22nd as “National Sanctity of Human Life Day” and vowed that “as president I will always defend the first right in our Declaration of Independence, the right to life. Every person — the born and unborn, the poor, the downcast, the disabled, the infirm, and the elderly — has inherent value. Our Nation proudly and strongly reaffirms our commitment to protect the precious gift of life at every stage, from conception to natural death.”

In addition to Trump’s support for life, several abortion survivors made a persuasive case for saving the lives of unborn children. Melissa Ohden, Josiah Presley, Claire Culwell and nearly a dozen others told their stories as part of the “Faces of Choice” project.

Adora Slaughter, spokesperson for Planned Parenthood, dismissed these stories, calling them “inadmissible evidence. These individuals wouldn’t even exist if it weren’t for a medical error somewhere in the procedure. They have no standing to preach ethics to anyone, especially young women who face the horrors and burdens of unwanted motherhood. They ought to quietly enjoy their own good luck rather than trying to use it as an argument against the constitutionally guaranteed right of all women to have an abortion if they want one.”

Warren Explains Governing Philosophy

Accosted by a voter who questioned her promise to cancel college debt, Democratic presidential contender Sen. Elizabeth Warren (Mass) rebuffed his contention that bailing out the debtors was unfair to people like himself who worked and saved to pay his children’s college expenses.

“Look, the fairest principle for organizing society is that each person should contribute according to his ability and each person should be rewarded according to his need,” Warren asserted. “You were able to work two jobs and could afford to pay your kids’ way. Not everyone has as much energy or willingness to sacrifice. These less able people deserve the support of the government, and, indirectly, the support of those like yourself, as a means of redistributing the benefits of energy and self-sacrifice more broadly across the whole human family.”

“You need to correct your way of thinking,” she added. “Rather than focusing on a debunked idea that individuals are entitled to keep what they earn or own, when I am president all earnings and assets will go into a common pool and be distributed to whoever the government decides needs these earnings and property the most.”

Liberal Hack Fabricates Story

CNN reporter Joe Lockhart “broke a story” he at first claimed to be based on a conversation he said he overheard between two GOP senators. He alleged that the senators were dazzled by the “irrefutable arguments” of House impeachment manager Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) that supposedly “left the entire Republican Party in deep s**t.” Later Lockhart admitted he made up the story, but still vouched for its “veracity, because we all know what the GOP scum are thinking.”

CNN president Jeff Zucker defended Lockharts’s methods saying, “when the target isn’t forthcoming about what he’s really thinking we expect our news staff to fill in the gaps with plausible assertions regarding the unspoken thoughts and motives they are trying to conceal. This is the kind of ‘outside the box’ approach that wins Pulitzers. I’m not going to cramp our journalists’ style if it ruffles feathers that deserve ruffling.”

In related news, the Biden for President campaign ordered the media “not to pry into the thoroughly debunked theory that Joe or Hunter did anything wrong” even though the then Vice-President Biden threatened to withhold one billion dollars in US aid from Ukraine unless that government fired the prosecutor investigating the corrupt Burisma Corporation that paid Hunter a million dollars a year to sit on its board of directors.

Normally, one might expect that such a demand might pique a genuine journalist’s curiosity. However, MSNBC anchor Heidi Przybla hailed the Biden demand as “a brilliant preemptive strike. It reminds us all to continue to hold the line. As long as none of us break rank, the Bidens will be safe.”

Schumer Laments Schiff and Nadler Tactics

Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) lamented that “the abrasive style exhibited by the House impeachment managers may have doomed our chances for success. Calling senators ‘traitors’ if they don’t vote to convict Trump is too heavy-handed. Though we might think they are traitors if they don’t vote for conviction, saying this out loud is not wise. Similarly, threatening them with jail strikes me as premature. We might eventually get there if we defeat Trump and gain a majority in both houses on election day, but it’s foolish to warn our enemies in advance.”

Meanwhile, Vice-President Joe Biden flatly refused to testify in the impeachment trial citing his “right as a presidential candidate to not be forced to answer questions that might tend to benefit my opponent. Trump is already impeached for asking Ukraine’s president to look into the business affairs of the company that hired my son. If I testify I’ll be setting myself up to be impeached after I win the election, unless, of course, Democrats also win control of the House and Senate.”

Virginia Dems Kill Gun Bill

Despite their proclaimed intent to “make Virginia safer from gun violence,” the Democrat majority in the legislature voted to kill HB 1175. This bill would’ve increased the penalty for using a gun in the commission of several felonies.

House of Delegates member Chris Hurst (D-Phil) called the measure “an attempt to distract us from our mission to disarm all the people of this state. Our opponents would like to narrow the focus to only those who use guns to commit crimes. The population of criminals is but a tiny fraction of those who own guns. Penalizing only the use of guns in criminal acts overlooks the 99% of the population who are not currently criminals. We cannot be safe if this population is allowed to freely own and carry firearms.”

Fellow Delegate Dan Helmer (D-Fairfax) pointed out the discriminatory intent of the GOP bill by reminding that “for the 99 percent cited by Chris, guns are just a hobby or avocation. Taking their guns away leaves them relatively unscathed. For the 1 percent targeted for extra punishment by the Republicans, guns are tools of trade. A robber’s ability to support his family would be seriously diminished if he couldn’t use a gun. The longer prison sentences proposed for using guns to ply their trade is unduly harsh. Democratic principles require that all members of society be treated equally. Our Party’s universal ban on gun ownership implements equality. The GOP bill does not.”

In related news, not content with their assault on the US Constitution’s Second Amendment, the Virginia legislature is considering an assault on the First Amendment. House Bill 1627, introduced by Delegate Jeffrey Bourne (D-Richmond), would implement criminal penalties for “excessively harsh or strident criticism of state government officers including the governor, Governor-elect, lieutenant governor, lieutenant governor-elect, attorney general, or attorney general-elect, a member or employee of the General Assembly, a justice of the Supreme Court of Virginia, or a judge of the Court of Appeals of Virginia.”

Biden Bids to Corner the Drunk Driver Vote

In the former vice-president’s addled brain, “drunk driving isn’t really a crime we should be deporting people for. Many members of Congress have gotten behind the wheel of a car when they shouldn’t have. Fortunately, we have immunity from arrest going to and from our duties in Congress. I don’t see any good reason why newcomers from foreign lands shouldn’t have the same right. That would be the democratic thing to do. I mean, it’s not as if they are any worse than the average American citizen.”

However, statistics do not support Biden’s perception. The so-called “dreamers,” for which President Obama abused his authority in order to shelter them from being deported for breaking our immigration laws, have a school dropout rate three times higher and a crime rate two times higher than the national averages. This contradicts Biden’s boast that “dreamers are more American than most Americans.” Well, at least were lucky enough to have this “centrist” vying for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination.

Schiff Warns “This May Be Our Last Chance to Escape Tyranny”

As he wrapped up his argument for convicting Trump and removing him from office, Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) asked senators “to reflect on the damage he will do to our country if he is allowed to remain president. In the three years he’s been in office he has disrupted so many long-held policies and trends that it is difficult to imagine the horror that awaits us if he is not stopped.”

“Look what he has done to our economy,” Schiff urged. “Millions of people, many of them minorities, have been lured off of welfare into wage-slavery. Others have become millionaires because of the soaring business growth following the deregulation and tax cuts Trump forced through. If we allow voters to reelect this monster we can expect to see more of this type of capitalist exploitation. Recent polls have shown that a distressingly large percentage of minorities have fallen for the temptations of prosperity and may jettison their traditional voting behavior. This would dramatically alter the political balance to the detriment of democracy.”

“The way Trump has mistreated the White House staff foreshadows the fate of so many loyal career public servants,” Schiff warned. “By the end of the third year of Obama’s presidency, salaries for his White House staff totaled $60.9 million. Right now, salaries for Trump’s White House staff total $35.8 million. Obama had 517 staff employees. Trump has 377. Michelle Obama had 44 staff on her payroll. Melania has five. Trump is decimating government. Many who looked forward to cushy lifetime sinecures will likely be forced into the commercial workforce where pay is tied to productivity and performance. This president clearly poses a greater threat to the permanent state than any hostile foreign power or terrorist organization.”

“We can’t sit by idle and count on voters to make the right choice in November,” Schiff said. “We tried that approach in 2016. I don’t need to tell you how badly that turned out. It’s up to you senators to prevent that by convicting, removing, and disqualifying Trump from ever again holding the office of president. This may be our last chance to escape tyranny.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Dems Say Booming Economy Is ‘Dirty Politics’

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

The fact that unemployment is at a 50-year low and the wages of employees have increased faster than the salaries of their bosses under the economic policies of the Trump Administration was roundly condemned by leading Democrats.

“The working class has been a prime constituency of the Democratic Party for generations,” presidential contender Sen. Elizabeth Warren (Mass) said. “The initiation of economic policies that have generated raises for private sector employees are an encroachment on this long-standing relationship. There is no emotional bond between Republicans and the working class. They’re just appealing to selfishness in an underhanded bid to sever the communal bond our Party has always had with these voters. That’s dirty politics.”

The surge in private home construction that has accompanied the gains in employment and wages was also cited as “especially irksome” by Sen. Bernie Sanders (Vt). “Individual families living in separate dwellings is an inefficient use of resources. Communal living where families can share space and access to commonly needed facilities like bathrooms and kitchens, like there are in dormitories and barracks, is the direction we should be headed and will be once we enact the Green New Deal. There are tremendous economies of scale when material needs are provided collectively like they are under socialism. The Trump approach is the road to unconscionable waste.”

Rival contender Tom Steyer agreed with Sanders’ basic point, but added his opinion that “government should be providing cheap housing for everyone beginning with undocumented immigrants. The notion that making people support themselves is a legitimate goal for government to pursue is akin to reimposing slavery. There’s no sense in it. People don’t come to America for the opportunity to work for a living. They already had that in Mexico. What they want is not having to work for a living. America is rich enough to fulfill this dream.”

The fall in unemployment and the rise in wages has also led to nearly eight million fewer recipients of food stamps since Trump became president—a trend that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (Calif) found “profoundly troubling. I know Trump and his minions try to portray the image of a person earning his supper as a step up from living off welfare, but since when is having to work to eat preferable to eating free? Democrats are going to have to work really hard to prevent voters from falling for Trump’s siren-song of self-reliance if we hope to hold onto our majority in the House.”

In related news, Kyle Jurek, a field organizer for Sanders’ presidential campaign, called for “the overthrow of capitalism and the establishment of a proletarian dictatorship. Sanders is the only candidate who can be trusted to implement this change. If voters don’t elect him our cadres should seize power by force, liquidate counterrevolutionaries, and send potentially salvageable elements of society to re-education camps where their heads can be set straight.”

NY Bill Requires Mental Health Exam to Buy Firearm

State Senator James Sanders (D-NYC) has introduced legislation that would require anyone seeking permission to own a gun to pass a mental health exam. If enacted, this law would impose up to seven years of prison for persons found in possession of a firearm without proof of passing a mental exam.

Sanders touted his bill as “a fool proof method for disarming the public. The mere desire to own a gun is, in my opinion, a pretty convincing demonstration of lack of mental fitness. I believe most mental health professionals would agree with that. So, not only would applicants be denied these kinds of weapons, they’d also be tainted by a finding of mental incompetence that could come in handy in the event of any future disagreements they might have with the state or other untainted and more obedient citizens. The knowledge that they could very easily be put in an institution for their own safety or that of society should go a long way toward inhibiting anti-social attitudes and behaviors.”

Meanwhile, in Virginia public opposition to having the Second Amendment right to bear arms revoked by the Democrats now in control of both houses of the legislature and the governorship has spurred Gov Ralph Northam to declare a state of emergency. The declaration bans anyone from carrying a firearm on state property and includes proposals to extend the governor’s term of office from four years to eight years and increase the number of signatures required on recall petitions by 150%.

Northam warned opponents to “not underestimate our determination to transform our state into the kind of social-democratic utopia our Party has been envisioning for years. We won the 2019 elections and will not remain idle against attempts to reverse those result under the cover of procedures outlined in the state’s constitution. The rule of law has its limits and must never be permitted to block the progressive change endorsed by voters last year. When push comes to shove, substance must triumph over process.”

Nadler: “We’ve Proven the Case Against Trump”

Chairman of the House Judiciary Committee Rep. Jerry Nadler (D-NY), characterized the case for removing Trump from office as “irrefutable. We heard from enough witnesses to prove the case beyond any doubt. That’s why we insist that we should be allowed to call more witnesses at his trial in the Senate.”

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ken) questioned Nadler’s logic, asking “if the House heard enough from their witnesses to prove their case then shouldn’t the transcript and arguments from their case managers be sufficient? In contrast to the last impeachment, the accused in this case was denied the opportunity to present any witnesses in his own defense during the House hearings. I suppose a simple-minded individual like Mr. Nadler might deem a one-sided hearing irrefutable proof, but any reasonable person would find such a biased proceeding inadequate for a fair assessment of guilt or innocence. Perhaps we should balance the scales by allowing the defense’s previously barred witnesses to be heard in the Senate trial.”

Nadler objected that “any witnesses that Trump might call would only muddy the waters. Since their testimony would not focus on Trump’s crimes it is irrelevant to the matter we are prosecuting. To my way of thinking, we should only entertain an admission of guilt and a full confession to the crimes he is charged with committing. This alone could end the need to continue efforts to remove him from office and begin the process of uniting all Americans in a common purpose of healing the divisions that divide us from being united.”

Iran Takes Steps to Ease Tensions

In a show of unity with President Trump’s critics, the government of Iran took steps to ease the tensions initiated by his callous assassination of the world’s foremost terrorist. The first of these steps entailed the arrest of the person who filmed their missile downing the Ukrainian passenger plane.

Democratic presidential contender South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg praised “this positive step toward peace. The existence of this video only served to disparage the intentions and competence of the Iranian regime. While the arrest can’t undo the damage done by this video it can send a message dissuading others from releasing information without prior approval. If all sides followed this lead I think we’d be on the road to a more viable long-term relationship between Iran and its detractors.”

The second tension-easing step taken by Iran was to threaten European nations “against criticizing the infallible words and deeds of Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. His authority comes from Allah. All who reject it are unbelievers worthy of death. We warn the Europeans not to cast their lot with unbelievers like Trump lest they also be utterly destroyed by the irresistible might of Allah’s warriors.”

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau immediately fired off a message of submission. “We renounce the crimes of the Great Satan against your country,” he pledged. “The actions of General Soleimani were within the accepted parameters of lawful jihad against the unbelievers. Trump’s interruption of his important work was a provocation warranting a terrible revenge. I beseech you to spare my country. As neighbors of the United States, I believe we have already suffered enough from the humiliation of being inferior to our cross-border tormentors. I urge you not to overlook the potential strategic advantages of allying with us and utilizing our shared border with America as a means of infiltrating and punishing your eternal enemy.”

In related news, Democrats in the House voted down a resolution of support for Iranians demonstrating against the tyrannical regime. Proposed by Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy (R-Calif), the resolution condemns Iran for killing over 1,000 Iranian citizens who were protesting their government, condemns the Government of Iran for shooting down Ukraine International Airlines Flight 752, condemns the Government of Iran for repeatedly lying to its people and to the world about its responsibility for the downing of this passenger aircraft, and calls on the Government of Iran to refrain from the use of violence, and protect the rights of freedom of expression and peaceful assembly.

Speaker Pelosi called the resolution “a disgraceful diversion from our patriotic duty to remove President Trump from office. Trump is the one who escalated the tensions with Iran and is now egging their people on to agitate against their government rather than instructing them to obey the government’s rule over them. This is yet another example of his abuse of power and obstruction of Congress.”

Congresswoman Says Alcoholism “Not Disqualifying”

Congresswoman Anne Kirkpatrick (D-AZ) says her recent injuries from a drunken collapse that will prevent her from appearing in Congress for a while should not be taken as a sign of unfitness for office. “First, let me point out that my office will be fully functional during my absence. All the hard work of researching issues, taking positions, and crafting public statements is done by my staff. They tell me what to think and how to vote. The formality of actually casting a vote can easily be done in absentia.”

“Second, let’s not forget that a considerable portion of the voting population are alcoholics,” she added. “Alcoholics are people. Who better to represent them in the halls of government than one of their own? In fact, many of my colleagues in Congress are high-functioning alcoholics. I think when most people are reminded that Trump never drinks, they should be more appreciative of those of us who do.”

Prof Calls for Disenfranchising Trump Voters

Alleging that “racists” are not entitled to elect members of our government, Terry Smith, visiting professor at the University of Baltimore School of Law, says “ballots cast for racist candidates like Trump can be thrown out by the courts. We don’t allow racism to deny a person a job or a place to live. We shouldn’t allow racism to have a voice in deciding who will govern.”

Smith brushed aside the difficulty of proving a ballot was cast with racist intention by pointing out that “there is wide agreement across the spectrum of media covering politics that Trump and, indeed, all Republicans are secretly racists. Look at how few minorities vote for them. I think we can fashion a simple rule-of-thumb premise that any candidate receiving less than a majority of minority votes is, ipso facto, a racist and, therefore, ineligible to hold elective office.”

”Trump voters’ claims that they like his economic program or his stance on foreign policy are just convenient lies to try to conceal covert racist motivations,” Smith maintained. “Besides, the most seasoned political observers are virtually unanimous in their opinion that Trump’s policies on these issues are especially harmful toward minorities, which, I posit, is further proof of the unadmitted racist reasons for how they vote.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Dems Condemn Killing of Iranian Terrorists

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Democratic presidential candidates hastened to condemn President Trump for authorizing the military strike that killed Iranian Quds Force commander Qasem Soleimani and Kataib Hezbollah leader Abu Mahdi al-Mohandes. Despite the fact that these men have been active in attacks that have killed hundreds of Americans and thousands of others in the Middle East region, Democrats who have spoken out on this issue were unanimous in blaming Trump for “destabilizing the region.”

Sen. Amy Klobuchar (Minn) called the strike “a violent and inappropriate solution. It’s akin to urging an abused spouse to arm herself against her abuser when the proper response is to obtain an order of protection. When I am president one of my first acts will be to petition the UN to grant us an order of protection against people like Soleimani. That will give us a legal way of responding to this threat. The prospect of being taken to court for disregarding such an order will be our deterrent against terrorists everywhere.”
Sen. Elizabeth Warren likened the strike on Soleimani to “the murder of Crazy Horse in 1877 by US troops after he led his tribe in the defeat of General Custer at the Little Big Horn the year before. The pain my people suffered for his death is now being repeated among the Iranians whose beloved General was murdered by Trump’s minions.”

Former Vice-President Joe Biden characterized the strike as “a betrayal of the policy laid down by President Obama. All the gains made by the funds we released to Iran are now endangered. Iranian freedom fighters are now without their most skilled tactician. The Iranian people are weeping for the lost of their most revered military leader. I shudder to think of what will come next.”

Non-presidential candidates Sen. Chuck Schumer (NY) and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (Calif) complained that “we were not given advanced notice of this strike. This prevented us from leaking the plan to the media and possibly saving the life of this high-ranking Iranian official.”

Sen. Chris Murphy (Conn), who had previously criticized Trump for “allowing our Iraq Embassy to be attacked,” lamented that “my good friend of so many years had to pay with his life for Trump’s failure to protect our Embassy. What I had hoped for in my earlier criticism was an action along the lines laid out by my Senate colleague Amy Klobuchar.”

Meanwhile, dissidents, feminists and secularists living under undemocratic regimes in Iran, Iraq, Syria and Lebanon have been tweeting their gratitude for the US action “against the prime enforcer of our oppression.”

Candidate Lays Off Staff
Democratic presidential contender Marianne Williamson has laid off her entire campaign staff. She will, however, continue “my efforts to win the hearts and minds of the American people in my quest to rescue this country from the negative vibes emanating from the Trump tyranny.”

“Unlike traditional campaigns that require money to push forward, I will follow the advice given by J.M. Barrie and focus on thinking happy thoughts,” she explained. “If thinking happy thoughts could enable the Darling children to fly to Neverland, they should be able to energize voters to vote for the kind of change I am advocating.”

Williamson says she will also “be leaving my bedroom window unlatched in case Peter Pan should show up to lend me a hand in my campaign.”

Trump Accomplishments Called “Destabilizing”
The list of 319 positive accomplishments achieved during the first three years of the Trump Administration were assailed by House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) as “further evidence of his unsuitability to serve as president. He has taken this country off of the track that his immediate predecessor set for America. The different direction Trump has set us on is, in effect, a derailment that has destabilized the nation.”

Vice-President Mike Pence disagreed and pointed out that “we are living in a stronger and more secure America with the best economy in the history of this country. We’re confident that this has been beneficial even for most of those who voted for Hillary Clinton in 2016.”

“The claim that Trump and Pence have an obligation to fulfill promises they made to voters in 2016 is not valid,” Pelosi argued. “More people voted against them than for them. Those who voted for Clinton didn’t vote for prosperity or a stronger America. That Trump would act as if he has a mandate illustrates the abuse of power charge in the House’s impeachment measure. He has steered the ship of state into dangerous waters. We must return to the well-traveled course laid out by President Obama before irreparable damage is done. The Senate should do its duty and vote to convict and remove him from office in order to protect voters from mistakenly reelecting him.”

“The worst aspect of these trends is that the impacts are greatest at the lowest end of the pay scale,” Pelosi added. “Voters who have been among the most reliable Democrat cohort are now being tempted to switch their allegiance to the GOP because of Trump. This could totally disrupt long-term voting patterns.”

Successful Self-Defense in Texas Denounced
On the last Sunday of 2019, a gunman attempted a massacre of worshipers at the West Freeway Church of Christ in Fort Worth, Texas. In six seconds he was able to get off two shots that killed two people before a church member shot the gunman. Though a much worse massacre was averted, not everyone was happy with this outcome.

Former Vice-President Joe Biden called the Texas law allowing parishioners to carry firearms in church “irrational.” Current Democratic presidential contender, former New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg insists that “only police should be authorized to carry firearms. I dare say that a lot of the people in that church had cell phones that could have been used to call the police for help. Granted, it may have taken five or ten minutes for them to arrive, but the parishioners could have sheltered in place and waited for rescue without any of them having the killing of another human being on their conscience.”

“I doubt that the man who shot the gunman had the same kind of training the police have regarding when to shoot or not,” Bloomberg continued. “How could he be sure he was doing the right thing? Even worse, there was a video showing that four or five other parishioners were also poised to fire at the attacking gunman. The vigilante approach demonstrated in Texas is not the kind of civilized response that we should be striving to cultivate in our citizens. It is better to endure a few massacres than to turn churches into a free-fire zone.”

In related news, airmen at Offutt Air Force Base, Nebraska, will no longer be able to carry their personal firearms on base. Col. Gavin Marks, commander of Offutt’s 55th Wing, announced the new policy, saying that “airmen need to be able to trust the armed personnel assigned to guard the base and should not be allowed to use deadly force on their own initiative. Previous failures at bases must not lead to the anarchy of every man defending himself.”

Abortion the Leading Cause of Death for 2019
Once again, abortion topped the list of causes of death worldwide with a fatality total of over 42 million for the year. This was more human deaths than caused by dreaded killers like cancer (8 million), Smoking (5 million), infectious disease (13 million), and AIDS (1.7 million).

Planned Parenthood spokeswoman Adora Slaughter dismissed these figures, asserting that “unborn children aren’t proper humans, they are a collection of human cells and shouldn’t be labeled as fatalities, per se. Cancer cells are also human cells, but we don’t count them in the death statistics when they are killed by surgery, radiation, or chemo. The Worldometers statistics that include abortions as human fatalities are just a cynical ploy aimed at denying a woman her inalienable right to terminate her unwanted offspring.”

Cruz Health Care Reform Mocked
This week, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Tex) proposed a four-page Personalized Care Act that would replace the 955-page Affordable Care Act (Obamacare). The gist of this legislation would be to put individuals in charge of their own health care choices. Unlike Obamacare, individuals would be permitted to choose coverage more suitable to their needs instead of being forced to buy coverage for procedures they don’t need.

Democratic presidential candidates Sen. Bernie Sanders (Vt) and Sen. Elizabeth Warren (Mass) blasted Cruz’s proposal. Sanders called it “entirely antithetical to the concept of the common good. Individuals will selfishly buy only the coverage they need. They won’t buy coverage for others who may need other medical services. For example, most of those needing gender reassignment surgery are too poor to pay for the coverage. If we don’t compel others who have more money than they need to pay for them the individuals trapped in the wrong body will be left to suffer. That’s why we need Medicare for all.”
Warren focused on “the basic incompetence of individuals to decide what kind of care they need. Medical professionals and government experts are the ones with the knowledge and expertise required to make such momentous decisions. They will determine what is best for the whole of humanity.

Individuals want to survive for selfish reasons. Only the experts know whether it is in the collective interest of society for specific individuals to survive or die. Sometimes it is better that low-value individuals be allowed to expire so that scarce resources can be conserved to save the lives of more important members of society.”

Law Says Accused Must Be Given Victim’s Name & Address
In its continuing quest to break new ground in the pursuit of justice, the State of New York now has a new requirement that the accused must be given the victim’s name and address. Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D) defended the new requirement, calling it the fulfillment of the accused’s right to confront his accuser. The previous policy of confining this right to the courtroom is too limited. The ability to contact the accuser and witnesses, if any, prior to a trial will make the process fairer and more efficient.”

“In many cases, victims of crimes are confused and uncertain about the details of encounters with those they accuse,” Cuomo said. “Waiting until a trial to clear up these matters prevents earlier resolutions that may point to the lack of a need for a trial. The accused or his representative may be able to persuade the accuser that he or she has mistakenly identified the originally accused person rather than the actual perpetrator. This reform will help smooth out the process by reducing erroneous identifications or accusations.”
Albany County District Attorney David Soares was less optimistic that the change will lead to positive results. “We already have procedures of discovery that ensure the defense access to trial evidence,” he pointed out. “Giving out the kind of information this new law requires could endanger witnesses and victims and lead to intimidation or additional crimes against them by the perps.”

In related news, Cuomo blamed Trump for the rise of anti-Semitic violence perpetrated by left-wing loons in New York City. “Trump may not have explicitly directed the attacks on Jews, but his policies favorable to Jews clearly have triggered the ingrained anti-Semitic hatred that has always simmered below the surface of some of the worst elements living in the City.” Former New York Assemblyman Dov Hikind (D) disagreed, and cited “Trump’s numerous condemnations of anti-Semitism, which is more than today’s Democratic officeholders–Tlaib, Omar, AOC—are doing.”

IRS Claims Hunter Biden Owes $112,000 in Taxes
The IRS has placed a lien on Hunter Biden’s bank account for more than a hundred thousand dollars in taxes they say he owes for income received from Burisma.

Biden disputes the claim. “Taxes are only owed on income that is earned,” he said. “The money I got from Burisma was more of a gift than an earned income. I mean, I did no work for them. I didn’t even have to show up. Under the tax code, gifts are tax-free to the recipient. If anyone is liable for a tax, and I doubt anyone could be since Burisma is a foreign company, it would be the giver of the gift.”

Paul Pelosi, jr., who has also been the recipient of deals similar to those enjoyed by Hunter Biden since his mother became House Speaker, averred that “there is a lot of wisdom in what Hunter said. Why should he and others like him be penalized for the kindness of strangers?”

In related news, while he was president, Barack Obama gave Pearson Publishing a $350 million contract with the federal government to create Common Core text. Since he left office, Pearson Publishing returned the favor by giving Obama a $65 million book deal.

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Omar Warns Against Religious Fanatics Imposing Beliefs on Others

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

In a speech at the US House of Representatives, Ilhan Omar (D-Minn) railed against “religious fundamentalists who are trying to manipulate state laws in order to impose their beliefs on an entire society. Their horrifying effort to restrict access to abortion will, if successful, coerce millions of women into bearing children against their will. This is but another chapter in their quest to trample the rights of those who disagree with them.”

“They cite their religious belief in the sanctity of life as if respecting the right to life is some sort of absolute,” Omar complained. “There are other religions that hold different views—views that require the faithful to make war against unbelievers. Yet, those trying to observe this religious obligation are routinely prosecuted if they are apprehended trying to exercise this religious right.”

“According to the Constitution, every person has the right to freely practice their religion,” the representative pointed out. “No state has the authority to interfere with this right. There is no clause negating this right for any reason. The desire of some to interfere with the termination of an undesired life has no legal foundation. So I call upon every woman in America to join with me to strike down any laws that seek to impede our right to rid ourselves of unwanted motherhood.”

2nd Amendment Sanctuaries “Unlawful”

The rising tide of local governments in Virginia declaring themselves Second Amendment sanctuaries “is entirely unlawful” because “state law prohibits local governments from enacting ordinances or resolutions that are inconsistent with state laws,” according to a Washington Post editorial authored by Mary McCord.

“Allowing local governments to act in defiance of state laws imposing gun control will lead to anarchy,” she wrote. “Permitting disobedience in this matter would be a dereliction of government’s duty to see that its laws are faithfully enforced.”

McCord sought to differentiate illegal Second Amendment sanctuaries from illegal immigrant sanctuaries that have been declared by local governments throughout the nation, saying that “the right of any person to cross any border in order to live wherever they choose is a human right that supersedes any man-made law. The anti-gun control allegation that the right to self-defense is a natural right that supersedes government measures to limit the means by which a person may respond to deadly threats doesn’t bear up to scrutiny. Obviously, a society where only the government had firearms would ensure the safety of everyone much more effectively than one where individuals were allowed to arm and defend themselves.”

Kerry Blames Trump for “Undermining US/Iran Relationship”

Former Secretary of State John Kerry blasted President Trump for “undermining all the progress made by myself and President Obama to build a stable relationship with Iran. Part of getting along with other nations is give and take. We cannot expect our standards of behavior to prevail over the long-term practices of as ancient a land as Iran.”

“The genius of the Joint Comprehensive Plan of Action (JCPOA) we negotiated was that it allowed both sides to carry on with activities it felt comfortable with,” Kerry explained. “In exchange for our granting access to $150 billion dollars, Iran promised to pretend that it would not overtly develop nuclear weapons. Both sides gained from this. President Obama could proclaim an historic, Nobel Prize-worthy accomplishment. Iran could continue to covertly develop nuclear weapons and only publicly acknowledge them after they were ready for deployment. A decade of amity between our two nations was at hand.”

“Then along comes Trump’s disavowal of the JCPOA,” the Secretary said. “He carelessly ripped away the comfortable facade that kept the peace between Iran and the US. The targeted assassination of Iran’s great and heroic General Soleimani replaced the amicable appearances with overt truculence. That this assassination has not yet led to all-out-war defies all logic. Our only hope of restoring the JCPOA is to get Trump out of office by any means necessary and as rapidly as possible.”

Dems Blame Trump for Downed Passenger Plane

Shortly following Iran’s ballistic missile attack on two US bases in Iraq, the regime also downed Ukrainian Airlines Flight 752 with a surface to air missile. All 176 on-board the aircraft were killed. The Iranian government has denied responsibility for the slaughter—alleging that mechanical failure or pilot error caused the plane to go down. So sure are they of their allegation that the debris field is currently being bulldozed to, as Irani officials say, “remove any false evidence that could be used to discredit our heroic air defense soldiers.”

Mayor Pete Buttigieg, a 2020 Democratic presidential contender, tweeted “innocent civilians are now dead because they were caught in the middle of an unnecessary and unwanted military tit for tat. Soleimani has been conducting murderous terror operations years. We prudently turned a blind eye toward those killings. Trump’s overreaction to take out one bad guy has led to the deaths of so many innocent civilians. When I am president we will observe more forbearance. Bearing a few hundred deaths a year due to terrorist attacks is a small price to pay for averting a wider conflagration.”

Rep. Ro Khanna (D-Calif) asserted that “the downing of this plane is just the culminating event in a tragic series of events in the region since Trump became president. Our embassy in Baghdad was attacked. Nothing like that happened when Obama was president. Neither Bush nor Obama thought Solmeimani was an appropriate target, even though he was know to be the mastermind of Iran’s terror network. Trump is the one who’s out-of-step with normal foreign policy.” When Fox News’ Sandra Smith mentioned that the Benghazi Consulate was attacked and Ambassador Stevens killed during Obama’s first term, Khanna dismissed this as “totally different. That was only a consulate and, unlike Trump, President Obama made a conscious decision to sacrifice those people rather than escalate the situation. I think he made the right choice.”

Rep. Jackie Speier (Calif) appeared on CNN to say that “this is yet another example of collateral damage from the actions that have been taken in a provocative way by the President of the United States. The airline crash wasn’t the only tragic consequence of Trump’s murder of Soleimani. Kimia Alizadeh, Iran’s only hope for an Olympic medal this summer, is emigrating to The Netherlands. These kinds of things didn’t happen when Obama was president. So, I think that the previous administration’s policy of coddling Iran was clearly the better course of action from a global perspective.”

One aspect of the aftermath of taking out Soleimani that doesn’t fit with contentions that Trump has escalated tensions is the fleeing of terror cells from Iraq. Trump’s daring elimination of this high ranking terrorist has broken their complacency. Combined with Iran’s advance notice to the Iraqi government of its ballistic missile attack, it appears that toughness may be the better course of action from a global perspective.

Biden: “How Can We Repeal a Law No One Understands”

Striving to burnish his image as the sole sane contender for the Democratic 2020 presidential nomination, former Vice-President Joe Biden tried to explain his support of Obamacare to a questioner at a campaign stop in Iowa. The voter recounted Obama’s promises prior to the health care law’s passage that “you can keep your doctor, you can keep your plan, your costs will go down. None of these promises were kept. Why should we keep Obamacare?”

Biden responded saying that “there’s two ways people know when something is important. One is when it’s so clear when it’s passed, that everybody understands it. The other is when it is so complicated that no one understands it. Well, we passed the Affordable Care Act bill in order to find out what was in it. Now, here we are almost ten years later and still no one understands it. My question back to you is how can we repeal a law no one understands? I don’t think we should risk losing the benefits just because we’re ignorant of how the law is supposed to work.”

Rival candidate Sen. Bernie Sanders (Vt) used Biden’s remarks as a rationale for “why we need universal health care. The great flaw in Obamacare was the expectation that health consumers should choose their own insurance. Since by Joe’s own admission, no one understands Obamacare, rational choice among plans is futile. Health is a collective benefit. Decisions on how much care each person should get need to be made by dispassionate government experts. Only socialized medicine can achieve this objective. People need to have faith that the government will do what’s best for society even if that doesn’t work out in their favor.”

In related news, Biden also came out in favor of a total ban on plastic because “I don’t understand that either. We all need to lead simpler lives. Humans have used reed baskets and clay pots for millennia. If these were good enough for our ancestors I don’t see why they shouldn’t be good enough for us.”

Booker Explains Abrams’ Loss in Georgia

In November of 2018 Georgia House of Representatives Minority Leader Stacey Abrams lost her race for governor. Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Cory Booker (NJ) sought to explain why this far-left candidate failed to be elected.

“It was because of voter suppression,” Booker claimed. “People just stopped voting, even when the polls were still open. Too many Democrats had been brainwashed with the idea that you can only cast one ballot per election. Others who broke free from the brainwashing voted multiple times in various precincts around the state. If every Democrat had done this Stacey would be governor today.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Top 10 Semi-News Posts of 2019!

January 20
University Takes Stand Against Basing Grades on Quality

American University is hosting a seminar for its faculty to teach them a new way of grading students without relying too heavily on the quality of their work. The seminar will be taught by University of Washington–Tacoma professor Dr. Asao Inoue.

“Grading papers based on their quality imposes ‘white’ standards that are insensitive to alternate ways of thinking and communicating,” Inoue explained. “Just because a student’s writing seems incoherent and ungrammatical to a white professor doesn’t mean he should give it a bad grade. President Trump often makes grammatical mistakes. Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) is often incoherent. These deficiencies in our nation’s highest-ranking members of government suggest that writing and speaking competency aren’t as important as we previously have thought.”

As an alternative to assessing quality, Inoue recommends “using quantity and effort as the foundation for handing out grades. Counting the number of words, or intended words in the case of non-words appearing in a student’s writing, is a more objective measure. Similarly, a student whose vocalized attempts at communication are garbled and indecipherable probably had to exert great effort to complete a writing assignment, especially if more than a few paragraphs are attempted. This kind of effort should be rewarded with a higher grade.”

February 3
Veep Scares Satan Worshippers

Lucien Greaves, co-founder and chief spokesperson for The Satanic Temple, expressed fear that Republican Vice-President Mike Pence’s religious views unfairly favor good over evil. “Under our Constitution, all religious views are protected from discriminatory laws and policies,” Greaves asserted. “Yet, we see the vice-president of the United States repeatedly speaking out against evil, which is the core tenet of our faith.”

“Worse, antipathy to our faith receives routine support from the brainwashed majority of Americans,” Greaves complained. “We are a minority in need of protection from the hostility of the majority. We are pleased that the New York State legislature recognized a woman’s legal right to sacrifice her child at the point of birth. But this fulfillment of our faith’s most sacred rite is in danger of being overturned by the majority that opposes our unpopular beliefs. While we are confident that Democrats in Congress will prevent this, we are less confident that a Supreme Court packed with Trump appointees will. They may seek to restore the limits on third-trimester abortions included in the Roe v. Wade decision.”

A ray of hope was provided by House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s (D-Calif) vow that “Mr. Greaves can count on Democrats to continue to do the Lord’s work. The people have rejected the straight-jacket that Pence and those like him want to impose to restrict their freedom to live by whatever values they choose for themselves. Government must not be used to favor good over evil.”

February 24
Teachers Assail Bill Banning Political Indoctrination

Proposed legislation establishing a code of ethics for public school teachers in Maine has some teachers in an uproar. The bill (LD-589) was introduced by Rep. Larry Lockman (R-Amherst). The provision causing the uproar prohibits teachers from engaging in political advocacy and requires that materials from both sides of controversial topics be made available to students.

Lockman maintains that “teachers have an obligation not to abuse their captive audiences by indoctrinating them into supporting a politically slanted point of view. They should be teaching students how to find information, how to weigh competing opinions, and how to respectfully debate those they disagree with. My bill serves as a reminder of the genuine obligations of the true educator.”

Matthew Drewette-Card, the vice president of the Maine Association of Supervision and Curriculum Development, submitted testimony asserting that “the bill would abridge teachers’ rights. Advocating for the correct way of thinking and the rejection of incorrect thought is the very essence of education. A lot of progress has been made over the past few decades in guiding children toward the appropriate attitudes and choices for a moral society. The millennials’ acceptance of socialism and wealth redistribution are evidence of the importance of preserving these teachers’ rights.”

March 24
Dems Point Out Eerie Parallels Between Trump and Hitler

In a bid to bolster their contention that President Trump is the worst person to ever occupy the Oval Office, House of Representatives Democratic Whip James Clyburn (SC) listed what he termed “the frightening and eerie parallels between Adolf Hitler and Donald Trump. Both abstained from consuming alcohol. Both were elected with less than a majority of the popular vote. Both characterized their predecessors as ineffective and corrupt. Both came to power as outsiders without prior experience in government. Both achieved a strong economy and military. It could hardly be clearer that President Trump is the biggest threat to America and the world in my lifetime.”

Fellow historian and House Judiciary Chairman Jerry Nadler (NY) added “both criticized the international order. Both were for law and order. Both held xenophobic views. Hitler wanted Germany for Germans. Trump wants America for Americans. Both sent troops into foreign lands.”

“Further, Trump’s intention to block the entry of newcomers into the United States even though Congress opposes him is tyranny,” Nadler claimed. “In my opinion, impeachment is too mild of a remedy. If Hitler hadn’t committed suicide he would have been hanged. Our biggest problem is that Trump will never commit suicide. I pray that we have the same strength of character to take the drastic actions needed to save this country and the world that FDR did during the 1940s.”

April 7
Unemployment Low “Concerning,” Says Pelosi

This past week, filings for unemployment benefits fell to a level not seen since December of 1969. While most reasonable individuals would consider this an encouraging development, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) begged to differ.

“Unemployment benefits have always been a key weapon against economic recession,” she contended. “Putting money in the hands of those who have lost their jobs is the best stimulant for the economy in times of trouble. In this respect, I find the decline in filings to be extremely frightening.”

“The euphoria now being experienced by Trump and the Republicans overlooks the danger of relying on full employment to drive the economy forward,” Pelosi warned. “This approach requires the continued production of useful goods and services to sustain household incomes. In contrast, government subsidies like unemployment benefits do not require the production of anything of value. These payments can be made while plants remain idle—allowing a win-win scenario of increased leisure and sustained household income.”

White House economic adviser Larry Kudlow dismissed Pelosi’s “addled economic thinking. The wealth of nations consists of the real goods and services produced by the cooperative efforts of capital and labor. Unemployment benefits contribute nothing to this process. At best they can serve as a temporary mitigation for a limited number of out-of-work individuals. Even then, payment of these benefits is only possible if the necessary real wealth is created by actual production.”

August 11
CNN Talking Head Calls for Trump Supporters to Be Eradicated

CNN’s Reza Aslan called “Trump’s supporters—ALL OF THEM—white nationalist terror supporters” who “must be eradicated from society.” Aslan insisted he wasn’t advocating violence: “I’m not necessarily saying they should be murdered in death camps as some have suggested. I think we go the re-education route that has been successfully employed by China. If we seize their wealth that would clip their wings. Then, if they can learn to keep quiet and behave themselves I see no need for their physical elimination.”

Meanwhile, fliers urging that Trump supporters be sent to death camps were posted at various locations throughout Long Island, NY. The Shock Theater Collective said the fliers are “part of a promotional effort advertising Shock Theater’s special summer show: ‘We the People.’” The show’s plot features Trump supporters being terrorized. Spokesman Rodney Montgomery says “we’re using horror to bring a message of unity.”

September 29
Dem Calls Trump “Treason” Comment “Treasonous”

House Intelligence Committee Chairman Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) denounced President Trump’s suggestion that spying on him by the CIA might be treason. “We should thank our lucky stars that there are people within the federal government who are not intimidated by Trump’s election as president,” Schiff exclaimed. “The fearless heroes of the CIA and FBI who have diligently worked to undo the tragic results of the 2016 presidential election deserve our thanks and praise. Trump’s attempt to portray what they have done in a negative light is despicable.”

“Clearly, Trump’s request to Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky that his government look into a matter that occurred years ago between then Vice-President Biden and the previous Ukrainian administration is what is really treasonous,” Schiff argued. “Trump’s attempt to portray the leverage Vice-President Biden utilized to help out his son as a bad thing was an attack on family values. Joe Biden previously lost his eldest son, Beau, to brain cancer. His youngest son, Hunter, was facing a rocky future after being ousted from the US Navy for drug addiction. The millions in consultant fees that Joe helped him obtain from a Ukrainian company enabled Hunter to avoid becoming unemployed and saved the government the expense of having to pay unemployment benefits to Joe’s boy. Trump’s slander against Joe warrants his impeachment.”

A contrasting view was offered by Ukrainian Prosecutor General of Ukraine Viktor Shokin. “I had been investigating numerous instances of potential corruption,” Shokin said. “The hiring of Hunter Biden—a man with no expertise in Ukrainian affairs or the energy business interests of Burisma—for essentially a ‘no show’ job raised my suspicions. The very public demand by Vice-President Biden, who apparently had the full support of President Obama, that my investigation be stopped or crucial financial aid to my country would be blocked was pure extortion. President Poroshenko met Biden’s demand by firing me. Biden’s later public boasting about how he got me fired confirms my suspicions about the corrupt nature of his son’s hiring by Burisma.”

October 6
Candidate Says Spending Stats Support Transition to Socialism

The Bureau of Labor Statistics Consumer Expenditure Survey showing that Americans spent more on taxes in 2018 than on food, clothing and health care combined was hailed by Democratic presidential contender Massachusetts Sen. Elizabeth Warren as “proof that socialism works and that the transition to a centrally directed economy will be relatively painless.”

The combined payments the average American consumer unit made in 2018 for five categories of taxes—federal income taxes, Social Security taxes, state and local income taxes, property taxes; and other taxes was $18,617. In 2013, the average American consumer unit paid a combined $13,327 for the same five categories. This 40-percent tax hike in only five years was labeled “very encouraging” by the senator.

“Republican arguments that voters can’t afford socialism or that they will fight to resist increasing levies on their income and wealth are rebutted by these data,” Warren declared. “The thing that spurred the American Revolution in 1776 was taxation without representation. Today, Americans are fully represented by the people they elect. These elected representatives are the ones who have imposed the taxes that the general public willingly pays because they have confidence that the government will wisely handle their money—shifting it from frivolous and selfish expenditures for private pleasure to urgently needed public uses like free college tuition and free health care for the millions of Latinos that are bravely crossing our southern border.”

November 3
Pelosi Praises Patriotism of Deep State

With the House finally endorsing the impeachment process being spearheaded by Intelligence Committee Chairman Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif), Speaker Nancy Pelosi took a moment “to give credit to the members of the deep state that made this possible. The willingness of men like James Comey, John Brennan, Peter Strzok, and others to go outside the bounds of strict obedience to the law despite the peril to their reputations, must not be overlooked or taken for granted. Their hyping of the Steele Dossier and surveillance of the Trump campaign nearly turned the 2016 election in Hillary’s favor.”

“Though that effort was thwarted by ill-informed voters in strategically positioned states, they didn’t give up,” she continued. “Before Trump was inaugurated they implemented plan B to undermine his ability to carry out his agenda. The covert surveillance of Trump and his supporters was extended. A Special Prosecutor was appointed to provide nearly two years worth of leaks alleging wrongdoing that fed a relentless media campaign against the illegitimate president. After that effort failed to oust Trump, plan C was launched as a CIA mole within the Trump Administration worked with Rep. Schiff to assail Trump’s authority to investigate foreign involvement with the deep state’s pre-election anti-Trump activities.”

“The persistence of these heroic men should be commended,” Pelosi urged. “Though not explicitly provided for in our Constitution, the deep state has organically evolved over the years to protect the nation from mistakes made by voters and to ensure that the permanent interests of the government would not be disrupted by unwarranted changes in administrations. The complaints from Trump and his backers should not be allowed to tarnish the work of these patriots. If it weren’t for them we’d have no viable way of getting rid of a man who never should have been elected president.”

November 17
“Hearsay Better than Direct Evidence”

While fans of the TV show Perry Mason are very familiar with the inadmissibility of “hearsay” testimony, Rep. Mike Quigley (D-Ill) asserted at the Schiff impeachment hearing that “hearsay can be much better evidence than direct evidence. Rather than being a collection of isolated facts, hearsay has the distinct advantage of having been vetted by the layers of people telling other people what they heard. This gives it the chance to gel into a coherent narrative in ways that direct evidence might not.”

“The most astounding aspect of what we’ve heard from Taylor, Kent, and Yovanovitch is that while none of them were among those listening in on Trump’s phone call to Zelensky they were in perfect agreement that there was something wrong with it,” Quigley said. “These witnesses have decades of experience in the US State Department. That experience has given them a unified vision of what our foreign policy should be and how Trump has deviated from that norm.”

“The great travesty in the case of Yovanovitch is that she was fired by Trump for trying to enforce normal foreign policy,” Quigley added. “It’s an unforgivable injustice for a career diplomat to be fired over a mere disagreement about foreign policy. Trump’s assertion that the policies she favored had been failing for years is only an opinion, not, in my mind, sufficient cause to remove her from office. We shouldn’t be surprised that she broke down in tears during her deposition seeing how badly she’s been treated.”

More astounding than the groupthink of the aforementioned long time bureaucrats was the admission under oath of both Kent and Yovanovitch that they had been briefed on the shady dealings of Burisma and Biden more than three years ago. Kent even went so far as to acknowledge that “further investigation into those dealings is warranted because we can’t have US tax dollars used in a way that fosters more corruption in Ukraine.”

Trump Judicial Nominees More Qualified

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

An analysis of the individuals nominated for appellate court positions by the last two US presidents reveals that those selected by Trump had better qualifications than those selected by Obama. A marker for those considered the best legal minds is whether they clerked for a Supreme Court Justice or a federal appeals court. Of the nominees selected by Obama less than a quarter clerked at the Supreme Court, and less than half at a federal appellate court. Of the nominees selected by Trump 40% clerked at the Supreme Court and about 80% clerked at a federal appellate court.

Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY), who has consistently opposed all of Trump’s judicial nominees, disputed the validity of this analysis, saying that “pure competence shouldn’t be allowed to override other important considerations. President Obama was willing to go outside the bounds of excellence in order to give a helping hand to individuals with less skill. Drawing from all levels of capability gives us a court that more closely resembles the general population. That is a more democratic way of staffing all the layers of government. He did it for the Executive Branch and carried that standard over to the Judicial Branch. I, for one, am glad he did.”

In related news, Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D-NY) vetoed a bi-partisan bill that would have allowed all federal judges to officiate at weddings in the state. In his veto message he explained “I cannot in good conscience support legislation that would authorize such actions by federal judges who are appointed by Trump. Trump’s values do not embody who we are as New Yorkers. His narrow focus on making America great has excluded appointing judges who bring other attributes to the position.” The notoriously anti-Trump New York Times labeled Cuomo’s veto message “distressingly petty, even for him.”

Sex Ed in Elementary Schools a “Marketing Strategy”

Monica Cline, a sexual health education instructor who worked with Planned Parenthood, revealed that the organization’s push to expand sex education to elementary schools was “a marketing strategy. It used to be that the main focus of sex education in high schools was aimed at discouraging students from engaging in sex. Heavy emphasis was placed on the health risks and socio-economic consequences of unwanted pregnancies. But Planned Parenthood’s focus was on teaching grade school aged students how to have sex.”

Planned Parenthood spokesperson Adora Slaughter defended the organization’s elementary school initiative as “a normal business practice. In our free market economy, businesses routinely engage in efforts to boost demand for their products by advertisements. The older approaches to sex education were all oriented toward decreasing demand for our services. Girls frightened away from engaging in sex would be less likely to need an abortion. Girls taught how to have sex would be more likely to become our customers. In combination with our lobbying efforts to loosen restrictions on abortions, our elementary school focus was a great profit enhancer.”

In related news, the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) is suing Michigan for considering enacting a law banning dismemberment abortions. ACLU spokesperson Merissa Kovach said “ripping a fetus to shreds is a more effective method of ensuring that an unwanted child does not accidentally survive an abortion procedure. Banning this method would do irreparable harm to the mental health of the women seeking to be alleviated of the burdens of motherhood.”

Leftists Argue for Abolishing Police

Convinced that police forces are irredeemable bastions of racism, some leftist philosophers are arguing for the abolition of city law-enforcement officers. In Seattle, narrowly defeated city council candidate Shaun Scott contends that police are an “apparatus of overaggressive and racist policing that has emerged to steer many black and brown bodies back into, in essence, a form of slavery. Keeping poor people from taking what they need from those who already have more than they need because police call this theft is morally wrong.”

Mychal Denzel Smith wrote an article in The Nation saying that “police should be replaced by a system of full social, economic, and political equality. Once the government controls all resources it can eliminate the poverty that forces individuals into committing crimes by distributing wealth based on need. Instead of robbing a neighbor to survive all anyone would have to do is go to a government facility to get his or her allotment.”

Smith rebutted arguments that human greed wouldn’t be abolished and would still spur some to try to take more than their fair share by pointing out that “the universal poverty and social regimentation that would follow from collectivism will make crime such a low-yield occupation that no police force will be necessary.”

Muslim Legislator Guilty of Embezzlement

State Rep. Movita Johnson-Harrell (D-Phil), the first Muslim to be elected to the Pennsylvania legislature, has pleaded guilty to charges of embezzlement, record tampering, and perjury. In the nine months since taking office, she stole more than $500,000 from Medicare, Medicaid, and Social Security disability funds, as well as donations to Motivations Education and Consultation Associates (MECA), a charity she established to allegedly serve the mentally ill and drug addicted poor in her neighborhood. She used the money to buy furs, trips to Mexico, a Porsche, pay utility bills, pay her granddaughter’s private school tuition, and pay campaign debts.

The Representative denies she has done anything wrong, but pleaded guilty “to avoid even greater persecution for my religious beliefs. Allah gave all the world to Muslims. He gave us dominion over unbelievers. When voters elected me they were showing the submission called for in the Quran. The money I took was the jizya owed by unbelievers to the Muslim faithful for letting them live while they refuse to convert.” She says she hopes to avoid any jail time and warned that “all transgressions visited upon me by unbelievers will be repaid with a righteous vengeance when Muslims gain full control over the government in Pennsylvania and the United States.”

Candidate Defends Using Prison Labor

Democratic presidential contender former New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg apologized for getting caught using prisoners to make phone calls soliciting campaign donations. “I know the knee-jerk response is to condemn the practice of employing prisoners to perform labor on a campaign,” he said. “But let me point out that utilizing cheap labor is one of the things that billionaires do. Amassing great wealth is easier if costs can be driven as low as possible.”

Bloomberg also congratulated himself for “bringing more convicts into the political process. Many states, New York included, are enacting laws allowing prisoners to vote. Voting, as important as it is in a symbolic way, has only a tiny impact on an election outcome. Raising campaign funds has a much larger impact. Giving prisoners the opportunity to have this greater impact does more for their rehabilitation. Democrats shouldn’t be dinging me for helping bring more of these felonious outcasts inside the Party’s big tent.”

In related news, both of the billionaires in the running for the Democratic 2020 presidential nomination have spent a combined $200,000 million on their campaigns with little to show for it. Tom Steyer has appeared in the Democratic debates as one of the lowest ranking contenders. Bloomberg hasn’t even qualified for any of the debates. A frustrated Steyer blames Trump for “poisoning public opinion against billionaires. Voters see how unfit he is and think ill of all us rich guys. It’s so unfair.” Bloomberg is more optimistic, “look I was able to buy my way into the mayors office in the world’s greatest city. My money was used to elect gun-control Democrats who will confiscate guns in Virginia. I’m confident that by this time next year I’ll be president-elect.”

UN Demands UK Send More Women to War Zone

The United Nations is demanding that the United Kingdom send more female troops to its “peace-keeping” operation in Mali. Secretary General António Guterres complained that “unless there is an adequate supply of females in the deployment, pent up sexual urges among the male troops we have sent could lead to unacceptably high rates of rape against the indigenous females they are supposed to protect.”

Trump Blamed for California Homeless

Gov. Gavin Newsom (D-Calif) laid the blame for his state’s homeless crisis on President Trump. “We put a plan together to have an interagency council address the issue and strategize a plan on a regional basis,” he said. “It was the unanimous consensus of this council that the federal government should give our state more money. The response we got from the President was mockery for the billions we’ve already spent on infeasible and counterproductive projects. This is totally unfair. Our state voted for Secretary Clinton to be president. She should be our state’s president and doing what she would’ve done is what Trump should be doing if he had any respect for democracy.”

Clinton sent a message of sympathy to the Governor and thanked him “for pointing out the deficiency of the Electoral College for choosing a president. As we can see, our flawed process has given us a president that lacks the flexibility to meet needs like those seen in California. If I were the president right now I’d work on brokering a deal to sell off some of the state’s assets to China or Russia in exchange for a modest donation to the Clinton Foundation. The proceeds of the asset sale could be used to buy bus tickets to send the homeless to another state and still leave plenty left over for new projects. The donation would help support the critical mission of the Clinton Foundation. It would’ve been a win-win outcome for all parties.”

Newsom expressed his appreciation to Clinton “for your kind note” and called her hypothetical approach to a solution “more in tune with how our Party has always sought to govern. It’s a whole lot better than the intolerable condition that Trump insists we must meet to get his help.” The “intolerable condition” appears to be Trump’s request that Newsom “politely ask for help.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

AG Says 2nd Amendment Sanctuaries Illegal

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

In a bid to intimidate the 100+ local governments that have declared their jurisdictions sanctuaries for the Second Amendment right to bear arms, Virginia Attorney General Mark Herring issued an advisory opinion declaring these declarations “have no legal effect. Local officials cannot nullify state laws. They must follow the gun laws passed by the General Assembly.”

Herring sought to distinguish “this unwarranted usurpation of higher authority” from “the entirely legitimate grants of sanctuary to illegal immigrants by local governments across the nation. The choice of where one prefers to live is a fundamental human right that supersedes any laws impeding this right. In contrast, the desire to own firearms is not a broadly recognized human right. Most nations around the world strictly limit who is allowed to own these weapons. The aberration created in the United States by the Second Amendment to the Constitution must not be used to interfere with government efforts to protect inhabitants from the dangers posed by their armed neighbors.”

“I urge citizens not to rely on local government to protect them from the State’s enforcement of its authority to control who is permitted to own guns,” Herring warned. “Anyone who does not peacefully acquiesce to a State requirement to surrender his firearm will be shot.”

Hunter Biden an “Exemplar of Democrat Economics”

MSNBC’s Joe Scarborough called the revelation of “the former Vice-President’s ability to assist his son Hunter to rise from missteps that could have meant poverty for most people with a similar history, “a political godsend. I think it gives Joe a credible alternative to Trump’s policy of unfocused economic growth spawned by deregulation and tax cuts.”

“Trump’s approach only helps those who have initiative, skills, and a willingness to work,” Scarborough pointed out. “In contrast, the former Vice-President showed a path for aiding those without skills, initiative, or the energy to work hard to receive millions of dollars from compliant foreign governments. I’m confident that once voters compare their options Democrats will come home to the Party that offers a helping hand up the ladder to wealth and prosperity rather than the opportunity offered by Republicans to try to reach the same goal over a lifetime of work, savings, and investment.”

Dems May Pursue Innovative Impeachment Finale

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) is said to be contemplating a different procedure for concluding the process of removing President Trump from office now that House Democrats have voted to impeach him. The crux of this different procedure will be to bypass the Senate and ask the American people to convict him.

In internal discussions with her caucus, Pelosi has argued “we can’t trust the Senate to complete the process. McConnell has already expressed disdain for what we’ve done in the House. The broad consensus of the witnesses who testified that in their opinion Trump had abused his power and the clear evidence of obstruction of Congress demonstrated by refusal of the White House to meet our demands has failed to gain traction with the Republicans who control the Senate.”

“Rather than allow the Senators to acquit Trump it is a better strategy to take our case directly to the voters,” Pelosi continued. “Between now and next November the word ‘impeached’ will be relentlessly attached to Trump. The media will assist in communicating this message until the perception that Trump is a criminal who doesn’t deserve to be reelected convinces a majority to vote him out of office.”

Whether the Democratic caucus will accept the strategy laid out by the Speaker is uncertain. Rep. Rashida Tlaib (Mich) characterized Pelosi’s position as “a betrayal. We’ve already impeached the mother f***er. Why hasn’t he been arrested by the FBI?” Rep. Ilhan Omar (Minn) observed that “where I was born, leaders who are out of favor are taken out and shot. Why should a man who was impeached by a majority of the people’s representatives be allowed to defy this resounding vote of no confidence?”

In related news, Reps. Hank Johnson Jr. (D-GA), Sheila Jackson Lee (D-TX), Rashida Tlaib (D-MI), William Lacy Clay (D-MO), Jared Huffman (D-CA), and Jan Schakowsky (D-IL) sent a letter to Attorney General William Barr demanding that he and and United States Attorney John Durham “resign for aiding and abetting President Trump’s obstruction of Congress. While the House has been diligently working to impeach and remove the President, both of you have been taking actions aimed at undermining our efforts. By investigating the patriotic actions of the FBI to prevent this unfit person from becoming president and then trying to entrap him after he eluded their pre-election efforts you have taken sides with tyranny and against democracy.”

Steyer Vows to “Declare a State of Emergency”

Democratic presidential contender billionaire Tom Steyer promised to “declare a state of emergency on day one of my presidency in order to take the drastic steps necessary to prevent climate catastrophe. For too long we have been paralyzed by fear to act. Both Congress and the President have been unable to agree on what steps to take. Some point to the economic destruction that would result from outlawing fossil fuels. Others object to the suppression of individual freedoms we’ve become accustomed to. I will enforce the sacrifices needed to save the planet.”

Among the list of “drastic actions” being contemplated are “the mandatory evacuation of persons living in threatened areas, the elimination of all fossil-fueled activities, and the conscription of laborers to perform the work that outlawed machines have been doing for the last century.”

“Waiting until there is enough voter support behind the needed changes is unfeasible,” Steyer contends. “A visionary leader is required. I am that leader. I am asking voters to give me a mandate to rule by decree until the crisis has passed. Given how far gone the environment is now, it will likely require decades of martial law to rectify the damage done and enforce the new behaviors needed for the planet to heal.”

The more moderate Joe Biden called for policies that would lead to the unemployment of millions in the energy sector, but insisted that “the displaced workers would be shifted over to government jobs promoting regulations that would reduce climate change. Up until the Trump Administration the trend was for the public sector to expand to offset the jobs lost in the private sector. Not only were those jobs cleaner and less exhausting than the private sector jobs, they were also higher-paying. The next Democratic administration will restore that pre-Trump trend.”

Wakanda No Longer a US Trade Partner

This week, the Department of Agriculture removed the Kingdom of Wakanda from its list of trade partners. Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif) denounced the removal, calling it “racist. Trump and his cronies are undermining the positive steps that President Obama took to bring that amazingly advanced but reclusive African nation into the sphere of global economic activity.”

“I find it especially offensive that while Trump has been willing to confine his actions against our global enemy China to the imposition of tariffs, he has ordered his henchmen to totally disqualify a prosperous nation led by Blacks from any commerce with us,” Waters complained. “It’s a good thing that Speaker Pelosi has held back the impeachment articles because when we come back in January I will make a motion to include this egregious example of racial discrimination as a third article of our impeachment referral.”

Meanwhile, despite the lack of trade with Wakanda, the US economy has reached a level of prosperity not seen since 2001. Across the political spectrum, 91% of Republicans and 62% of independents judged the current economy as “good,” while only 47% of Democrats had a similar opinion—results that Waters characterized as “racist. The Trump economy is only good for people who want jobs. The Administration has been implementing policies to force able-bodied welfare recipients who would rather not work to take jobs. This is the worst kind of racism we have seen from government in decades.”

Warren Decries Trump’s Cruelty Toward Kittens

While there is no evidence that President Trump has ever harmed a kitten, Democratic presidential hopeful Sen. Elizabeth Warren (Mass) alleges that “Donald Trump would step on a cute little kitten to get what he wants. I have never done that. I would never do that. That’s why I’d be a better president than him.”

Warren bolstered her contention by citing “how cruelly Trump has treated the affable, but doddering former Vice-President Joe Biden. Joe may not always know where he is or that extorting a foreign government to help out his son is wrong, but he doesn’t deserve to be mocked as Trump has mocked him. Calling attention to a political opponent’s deficiencies is unfair. If he is willing to do that to Joe, I think he’d be willing to kick a cat that was in his way.”

In related news, Warren mocked presidential rival Mayor Pete Buttigieg at the 6th Democratic presidential debate for “hobnobbing with millionaires in a wine cave” at a fund-raising event in Napa Valley, California. The Mayor returned fire by accusing Warren of “issuing purity tests you cannot yourself pass” and reminding everyone that he was “the only Democrat in the debate who is not a millionaire.”

Ginsburg Says Senators May Be Disqualified to Vote on Impeachment

Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg says that US Senators who are not impartial can be disqualified from participating in a vote to convict or acquit President Trump in an impeachment trial.

“A number of Republican senators have already expressed opinions about the House articles of impeachment,” Ginsburg said. “Allegations asserting that ‘abuse of power’ or ‘obstruction of congress’ are not impeachable crimes shows bias that should lead to ejection from the jury that will decide on the verdict. This stands in stark contrast to the 230 votes in the House affirming that these acts are crimes and the overwhelming testimony of witnesses in whose opinion the President did commit crimes. I would expect Chief Justice Roberts who is the one who will preside over the trial to exclude any senators who have publicly rejected this evidence from being allowed to vote on whether to convict the President for these crimes.”

Rep. James Clyburn (D-SC) said he concurred with Ginsburg’s view. “I say, let’s give him a fair trial and hang him. That’s the only way we’ll avoid the kind of kangaroo court farce that the Republicans would give us.”

Rep. Jackie Speier (D-Calif) called on Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell “to recuse himself. In fact, any prospective juror who has an affiliation with the accused should be barred from being on the jury. I think, that would require every Republican—members of the same political Party as the President—to be prohibited from participating in the trial.”

AOC Says Choice in Health Care “Unwanted”

Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) dismissed complaints that the “medicare for all” plan she supports would eliminate freedom to choose one’s own doctor.

“The so-called freedom the Republicans are trying to force on everyone is actually an unwanted burden for most people,” she contended. “Few people know enough to choose wisely. Eliminating the need to choose as the universal medicare for all that Sen Sanders proposes and I support delivers a much more valuable freedom from responsibility. Letting government experts determine who should receive what treatment and from which doctor will lead to better results than relying on ignorant and hapless individuals to make such decisions.”

The Congresswoman argued that “the maternalistic model we are striving to implement will restore the kind of freedom that each person had as a child when parents decided when to take them to the doctor and paid for their treatment. In an ideal world, all of life’s necessities would be provided by the government. No one would have to worry about paying for anything. Each person would do the jobs assigned to them by a government that knows how to best distribute the work required to meet the collective needs of society.”

Schumer Calls Clinton & Trump Impeachments “Totally Different Situation”

“The case against President Clinton was completely unwarranted,” claimed Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY). “The sexual harassment he engaged in and the perjury he committed to try to cover it up did not pose the same level of threat to our democracy as the election of Donald Trump did in 2016. As we have seen from the Horowitz report and testimony, many heroes of our intelligence agencies engaged in a desperate effort to prevent Trump’s election. This by itself should tell everyone that Trump is worse.”

“In 1994, after 40 years of Democrat supremacy, voters wrongly turned the House over to Republican control,” Schumer explained. “Republicans abused this new control by objecting to the sort of sexual liaisons that many presidents had previously exploited. For example, no one begrudged JFK’s escapades, not even his dalliance with a girl friend of a mobster. Yet, the GOP became unglued over Clinton’s relationship with Monica Lewinsky even though his prior track record in Arkansas should have led people to expect this kind of harmless behavior. Granted, he shouldn’t have lied about it, especially under oath, but he was only trying to avoid embarrassment. He wouldn’t have had to lie if it weren’t for the semen-stained dress. That he was impeached for that was shameful.”

“There were GOP majorities in congress while George Bush was president,” Schumer went on. “This prevented Democrats from taking revenge. Finally, in 2018 the stars properly aligned to give our Party the chance to get even. Democrats regained control in the House with a Republican president. Trump is no ordinary Republican. He has relentlessly pursued an agenda that if allowed to succeed could condemn Democrats to minority status for decades. Throwing Democrats into the minority is an abuse of presidential power. No other Republican president has ever attempted this. Resisting House efforts to impeach and remove him is obstruction of congress. For these high crimes it is of the utmost importance that Trump be convicted and ousted from office. We will not stop until this outcome is achieved.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.