Ivanka Trump Harassed

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnOn-Board a JetBlue plane at JFK Airport in New York City for a planned family vacation in Hawaii, Donald Trump’s eldest daughter Ivanka was accosted by another passenger Dan Goldstein, a Brooklyn lawyer. Goldstein’s harangue charged Donald Trump with “ruining the country” and Ivanka with “ruining our flight.” The “our” referred to his husband Matthew Lasner and their son.

Goldstein contended that “people like Trump and his ‘spawn’ have no business inserting themselves among those who don’t want them anywhere near us. She and her kids are a terrifying reminder that the Trump pall could plague the country for generations. They could have flown on their father’s private jet and spared the rest of us the trauma.”

Goldstein and his family were escorted off the flight by JetBlue security officials. “Given Mr. Goldstein’s insistence that Ms. Trump’s mere presence on the same aircraft would ruin his flight we had to save him from what he characterized as ‘trauma,’” said company spokesperson Sandra Sober. “At JetBlue we strive to meet our customers’ needs. Obviously, we couldn’t eject Ms. Trump just to mollify an agitated fellow passenger. She was peacefully minding her own business and even asked that we not make this into a ‘thing.’ However, the fact that Mr. Goldstein was visibly shaking we felt his mental health would be best served if we got him another flight.”

Goldstein took his removal in stride, asserting that “I accomplished my mission to show the Trumps that we average Americans will not submit to their tyranny. If my example inspires others to stand up to them perhaps the Trumps won’t be so eager to show their faces in public.”

In related news, a group of New York artists calling themselves the “Halt Action Group” demanded that Ivanka Trump take down the paintings she purchased from them to adorn her apartment. The demand followed her failure to separate herself from “the racism, anti-Semitism, misogyny, and homophobia your father has inflicted on this country.” HAG has been conducting demonstrations outside Ivanka’s family residence since late November. Philadelphia artist Alex Da Corte rejected the fact that Ms. Trump paid for the art, saying that “a mere exchange of money does not transfer ownership. Art always belongs to its creator. Others merely rent it subject to the approval of the creator.”

France to Prosecute Historian for “Hate Speech”

Morocco-born French-Jewish scholar Georges Bensoussan has been ordered to appear before a Paris court to answer criminal charges levied against him by the Collective Against Islamophobia in France. The allegation is that Bensoussan’s writings on the history of anti-Semitism in lands governed by Muslims “incites racial hatred.”

CAIF spokesman Massakir Heebes declared that “the attempt to promulgate anti-Muslim hatred under the guise of scholarship must not be permitted. The contention that the mistreatment of Jews depicted by Bensoussan is a historical fact is irrelevant. The Quran commands the oppression of unbelievers who pay the jizya and the slaying of those who refuse. Criticism of these religious obligations by those who are not Muslim are unacceptable. If the French courts won’t punish these offenders Muslims will be compelled to do so.”

Three prominent French writers and historians—Jacques Tarnero, Yves Ternon and Michel Zaoui—called the complaint against Bensoussan “scandalous. It is just more Islamist intimidation that confirms the essential truth of Professor Bensoussan’s work. Our nation is at a crucial crossroad. we must either defend liberal freedom of expression or be swallowed up in the barbaric prejudice of an intolerant cult.”

Berlin Terror Attack Inspires Action

Last Monday’s assault by semi-truck that killed a dozen Christmas shoppers at an outdoor market in Berlin has inspired European governments to swoop into action.

In Germany, the Merkel regime is desperately denying that the country’s open-borders policy toward Islamic immigration, including a conscious policy of converting many refugees into truck drivers by easing licensing requirements, might be an enabling factor in the spate of social outrages, rising crime rate, and now mass murder by lone wolf jihadi Anus Amri at the Berlin market.

Chancellor Angela Merkel attributed the offenses committed by Muslim refugees to “widespread Islamophobia among Germans unused to the different customs of our new residents. German women who neglect to cover their faces and go out in public unescorted are viewed as whores by the Quran. Muslim men who innocently try to solicit their services may elicit a negative response that stimulates their libidos. Also, our refusal to pay an adequate amount of jizya taxes to support the umma is an affront to their faith. The accumulation of our insults and disrespect is the root cause of the tragedy that has befallen our country. This is what we have to fix if we are to have any peace going forward.”

Bristol, England has increased police patrols in order to crack down on Islamophobia. Area commander for Bristol, Chief Superintendent Jon Reilly, said “the potential for retaliatory hate crimes against Muslims is our main concern. The momentary pain caused by being run over by a truck pales in comparison with the lingering dread suffered by Muslims fearing a counterattack from unbelievers. The psychological torment of never knowing when someone may look askance or mutter an inaudible derogatory comment has to be terrifying.”

“The fact that many so-called anti-Muslim hate crimes turn out to be hoaxes is, I think, further proof of how our intolerant society is driving these immigrants to imagine threats that could be real if they were carried out,” Reilly asserted. “Maybe the increased visibility of our anti-Islamophobia effort will reassure these immigrants that the government is on their side and channel them into prosecuting those who offend them in our courts.”

In Sweden, Anna Carlstedt, coordinator against violent extremism at the Civil Contingencies Agency went on Swedish Radio and blamed “white power” for the atrocities committed by Muslim refugees. “Everywhere these refugees look they see white people in charge,” Carlstedt observed. “If our power structure were more diverse perhaps they wouldn’t feel as threatened and wouldn’t lash out as much.”

In related news, less than 3 percent of the million Muslim refugees admitted into Germany have jobs, dashing the Merkel government’s expectations that “the more fecund newcomers would support the pensions of our aging native population.” The possibility that the final solution to the fiscal abyss posed by the government owing more to pensioners than can be paid might be through the massacre of non-Muslims as prescribed in the Quran is said to be discomfiting government planners.

40 Percent of Young Adults Living with Parents/Grandparents

The number of millennials who have not moved out of their parents or grandparents homes has climbed to a 75-year high of 40 percent. The high-water mark for young people “failing to launch” was set during the Great Depression. Its duplication after eight years of Obama Administration policies is seen by some as a poor legacy for the outgoing chief executive.

One who doesn’t see it that way is President Obama. “The Republicans do a lot of talking about family values, but it has been my policies that have brought succeeding generations under the same roof,” he boasted. “The whole notion that children should go out on their own is an American deviation from our species’ early roots. In the less developed parts of the world it is common for multiple generations to live in the same one-room dwelling. This seems more natural to me and is a goal we need to work toward both for the sake of the family and the ecosystem.”

“A key contributor to this salutary development has been our conversion of the workforce from 40-hour-a-week wage-slavery to part-time temporary ‘gig’ style jobs,” Obama added. “Nearly 95 percent of the new jobs created over the last eight years have fit this new model. It’s been a mutually reinforcing transformation. The income from a part-time job is usually insufficient to support an independent lifestyle. The lower demands on these employees’ time allows them to engage in more leisure activities if they can live with their parents. It’s a win-win scenario.”

The president expressed hope that his last-minute binge of regulatory actions imposing more costly regulations on businesses would “thwart Trump from imposing his workaholic vision on America. In my view, the new generation of Americans doesn’t want or need full-time jobs in order to live in harmony with the Earth. If Trump succeeds in forcing more people to live independently by giving up the leisure I’ve built into the system I believe voters will turn against him and return Democrats to power in the next election.”

Meanwhile, the First Family is in Hawaii enjoying what will likely be their last jaunt on the taxpayers’ dime. The current 16-day trip is estimated to cost more than four million dollars. This brings their eight-year total to a record-setting $85 million. Of course, millennials forced to live with their parents because they can only get part-time jobs are spared the ecologically harmful impacts of even a modest Hawaii vacation.

Actress Recants Abortion Wish

After expressing regrets that she had never had the opportunity to get an abortion, Lena Dunham, actress and producer of the pornographic HBO show “Girls,” recanted, saying that “while the experience of getting an abortion seemed magical, it dawned on me that a prerequisite would have to be having sex with a man or having some guy’s icky ‘juice’ squirted into me at a clinic. In retrospect, I realized that this would be too high of a price to pay for me to join the ranks of the brave women who have undergone this life-defining procedure.

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

RNC Averts Hack that Duped DNC

  John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News


Amid all the caterwauling from Democrats about Russians supposedly hacking the Democratic National Committee’s computer system comes a report from the Republican National Committee that a similar attempt on their computer system was rebuffed.

RNC chairman Reince Priebus explained “naturally, we were alert to the possibility that hostile entities might try to break into our system. To avert this threat we instructed all of our personnel to ignore and delete any emails from persons claiming to have millions of dollars intended for deposit to our account from a deceased African government official. The strategy was simple and easily executed. There were attempts to hack us, but none succeeded.”

Hillary Clinton’s campaign chairman John Podesta characterized the RNC’s approach as “essentially racist in nature. Democrats would never slough off communications from Africans, especially messages offering money. We were running the most expensive presidential campaign in American history. The fact that the Russian hackers exploited our openness and financial need shows that they would stoop to the lowest and most devious level in their quest to steal the election for Trump.”

Podesta dismissed the embarrassing content of the DNC emails published by Wikileaks following the hack as “an inherently unfair intrusion that ought not to have been allowed to affect the election. Voters had no right to see these emails much less act upon them. That they did is a travesty that greatly damaged our democracy.”

“In a court of law illegally obtained evidence would be barred from being considered by the jury,” Podesta continued. “Likewise, the illegally purloined emails ought to have been barred from being considered by the voters. That they weren’t barred is a flaw in our electoral process.”

Remedies suggested by Podesta included “near term actions to rectify the injustice done to Secretary Clinton by either persuading the electoral college members to cast their ballots for the winner of the popular vote or by having President Obama issue an executive order calling for a new election. If this latter option is chosen we should also implement protections against the publication of illegitimate information in this re-vote and in all future elections by requiring all campaign-related news to be cleared for accuracy prior to publication. In this regard, the measures being taken by Snopes, ABC News, Politifact and FactCheck.org to prohibit fake news are a good first step. Ultimately, we will need to establish a cabinet level Department of Truth to regulate what can be published on the Internet and elsewhere.”

Democrats weren’t alone in alleging Russian skulduggery, former GOP presidential candidate Sen. Lindsay Graham (SC) also blamed the Russians for his failed bid to capture his Party’s nomination. “Given my credentials and platform it is inconceivable that I could have fairly lost to a political neophyte like Trump,” Graham argued. “Clearly, this isprima facie evidence of hostile interference.” The Senator announced he “will cross the aisle and vote with my Democratic colleagues to postpone the inauguration until the Russian hackers are fully investigated.”

Meanwhile, the CIA declined to brief the House on the hacking issue citing “security” as its rationale. Agency Director John Brennan contended that “Congress is as leaky as a sieve. Briefing them is the same as broadcasting over open air waves. We need to keep a wrap on this to preserve the President’s tactical advantage of surprise over the Russians.”

In related news, a post-election Wikileaks revelation indicated that Trump rivals Jeb Bush, Carly Fiorina, and John Kasich were given financial inducements by the Clinton campaign to refrain from endorsing their Party’s nominee following the GOP Convention in July.

Dems Say Russian Hacking “an Act of War”

President Obama ratcheted up the confrontational rhetoric the Democratic Party has leveled at Russia for allegedly “hacking the election to ensure their ‘puppet’ Trump would defeat Secretary Clinton.”

Retiring Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) called the hack “as bad as 9/11. The attack on the World Trade Center and Pentagon only killed some ordinary Americans. The Russian hack blocked the ascension of the most qualified person to ever seek the presidency of the United States. That is a blow that will have negative reverberations for generations to come.”

“The Russian interference in our election is a virtual coup against the American people’s right to choose their own leaders,” Obama declared. “It is worse than the attack Japan made on Pearl Harbor 75 years ago. The Japanese only destroyed a few naval vessels and a couple of thousand sailors and soldiers. The Russian intrusion has attempted to overthrow our entire government. Our response must be proportionate to this threat.”

The President went on to promise that “we will strike back at a time and place of our own choosing. There will be no advance warnings. There will be no negotiations or compromises. Russia’s only escape from our wrath is to confess to their crime and pay reparations. As for Trump, this poseur who has steadfastly refused to acknowledge his complicity will be jailed or deported to Russia, if there still is a Russia after I’m done with them.”

In his headlong rush toward nuclear brinkmanship, President Obama neglected to mention the illegal financial aid Saudi Arabia provided to the Hillary campaign. Neither did he remember his own efforts to intervene in the Israeli election to try to defeat Netanyahu. Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest insisted that these instances of meddling “are irrelevant since, unlike the Russian hacking, they didn’t succeed.”

In contrast, Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders, Hillary Clinton’s former rival for the Democratic presidential nomination, advised that “we should not blame the Russians for the Democratic Party’s rigged nomination of the most unpopular presidential candidate in history for the Party’s loss in the presidential race.”

Bill to Block US Funding of Terrorists Introduced

Rep. Tulsi Gabbard (D-Hawaii) and Rep. Thomas Massie (R-Ken) have co-sponsored the “Stop Arming Terrorists Act” to stem the flow of US tax dollars going to Middle Eastern terrorist groups. That such legislation might be necessary is shocking.

“If you or I gave money, weapons or support to al-Qaeda or ISIS, we would be thrown in jail,” Gabbard said. “Yet, our own government has been covertly funneling American tax dollars to a series of Islamic fanatics for years. This is madness.”

Massie maintains that “madness is too mild a term to use. The CIA has been arming bloodthirsty jihadis in multiple countries. This has amped up the carnage to levels of truly hideous magnitude. Monstrous would more accurately describe what our government has done. It must stop.”

According to Massie, “the bill would prohibit the U.S. government from using American taxpayer dollars to provide funding, weapons, training, and intelligence support to terrorist groups like al-Qaeda and ISIS, or to countries who are providing direct or indirect support to those same groups.”

CIA Director John Brennan opposes “the bill’s unwarranted restriction of the Agency’s flexibility in carrying out the Administration’s policy around the globe. These politicians don’t have the necessary expertise to judge what we do. Even worse, the idea that members of Congress would go public with this information strikes me as disloyal and treasonous. This is a threat that I think merits a more aggressive response.”

95 Poll Books Missing in Michigan Recount

In the Detroit precincts where voter logs showed fewer people casting ballots than votes that were counted on election day the recount effort also discovered that 95 voter log books went missing. While the mismatch of counts and the disappearing books would seem to imply that election fraud played a role in boosting the candidacy of Hillary Clinton, Detroit elections officials insisted that everything was legit.

Democratic precinct chairman Charlie Crook assured that “these little discrepancies happen nearly every year. The so-called missing logs were merely sent out for re-calibration. Now that they’ve been fixed the gap between voters recorded and ballots counted has been significantly reduced. If it weren’t for time pressure and excessive scrutiny by outsiders I’m sure a perfect balance could’ve been achieved.”

NYC Muslim Hate Crime Hoax

Yasmin Seweid, the 18 year-old girl who claimed Trump supporters harassed her on the city subway, lied. Nevertheless, her older sister Sara Seweid blamed “excessively zealous police work for blowing my sister’s alibi. She was out past her curfew and would have been severely beaten by our father for this infraction. Naturally, she made up the harassment story to avoid this beating. Now, as a result of the NYPD’s unwarranted investigation into this minor incident, Yasmin will be beaten.”

The older sister charged that “insensitivity and ignorance of our culture has resulted in a completely avoidable outcome. But a combination of hatred for Muslims and love of Trump led the Jews on the police force to delve deeper into the event than they should have. If only Muslim values had more deeply penetrated the NYPD lassitude and indolence would have rescued my sister from the punishment her little white lie was meant to avert.”

Ironically, it was the Seweid family’s anti-Trump posts on their Facebook page that encouraged police to pursue the story more vigorously. “The amount of venom aimed at Trump on this page combined with inconsistencies in Yasmin’s account of the purported incident raised our suspicions,” said Detective Leonard Brisco. “From there the hoax quickly unraveled.”

Michelle Obama Says Trump Win Destroys Hope

In a CBS News interview prior to her family’s departure for a vacation that will further its record-setting pace for taxpayer-funded personal leisure, First Lady Michelle Obama says “the election of Donald Trump has destroyed the hope that my husband brought to so many in this country. Hope is necessary. What else do you have if you don’t have hope? What do you give your kids if you can’t give them hope?”

Michelle contrasted “the uplifting message we provided to America with the dreary future Donald Trump has promised. His vision of herding Americans back into the workforce will condemn people we’ve freed from drudgery to reenter the rat race where they will be forced to sacrifice their dreams in order to toil for their supper. Is this not a step backward toward the days when so many of our people were compelled to work for cruel masters?”

“Millions of Americans will come to rue the day the country turned aside from the progressive transformation that has been underway for the last eight years,” she predicted. “Hopefully, the Trump interlude will be brief and voters will make a course correction to get back on the road to the promised land in 2020.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.



France Censors Anti-Abortion Advocates

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnThe award-winning “Dear Future Mom” video featuring children with Down Syndrome making the case for the value of their lives was banned from TV by France’s Conseil d’État (State Council). According to the Council, the video was deemed “too insensitive” since it was “likely to trouble the consciences of women who had made different personal life choices” (i.e., had aborted babies predicted to have Down Syndrome).

Council spokesman Henri Abattage defended the ban, maintaining that “our decision is in keeping with public perceptions of what is right. There’s a reason why 90 percent of the pregnancies afflicted with this syndrome end in abortion. Why should the minority who object to this medical intervention be permitted to discomfit the vast majority who approve of it? Television is a medium that ought to confirm widely held values, not disrupt them with contrary opinions, especially those that may cause psychological distress.”

Archbishop Joseph Kurtz, former president of the U.S. Bishops’ Conference, said he was “saddened but not surprised” by the ban. “First of all, a diagnosis establishes only a probability, not a certainty, that the child will have the syndrome. Many completely normal babies are killed by a hasty resort to abortion. Second, as the video clearly demonstrates, many of the afflicted are adorable and loving individuals whose right to live ought not to be callously dismissed. I encourage all members of every society to view this video.”

Bishops can encourage all they want, but the Council will not neglect is duty to insulate the general public from offensive presentations of idiosyncratic perspectives,” Abattage promised. “There are boundaries that must not be crossed. This is one of them.”

TV isn’t the only avenue being closed off for communicating ideas out-of-sync with the culture of abortion. The French Parliament also enacted a ban on web site publication of messages that “discourage recourse to abortion.” Member of Parliament Rene Escargot explained that “the days when anti-social notions can intrude on people’s consciousness are over. Anyone attempting to dissuade a woman from exercising her inalienable right to obtain an abortion can and will be suppressed. It is the will of the majority.”

Group Says OSU Terrorist “Wrongly Shot”

The Ohio State University Coalition for Black Liberation held a rally to protest racist cops’ shooting black men. One of the “wrongly shot” individuals was Abdul Razak Ali Artan who ran over some students with his automobile and went on a rampage stabbing others until he was shot by campus police.

One of the rally’s spokespersons, Maryam Abidi characterized the shooting as “a disproportionate response. Artan was only armed with a knife. There was no call for police to escalate to the use of firearms.”

Abidi called the claim that the shooting was necessary to save the lives of others who might have been stabbed “a self-serving and tired excuse for police brutality. Whether Artan was a threat to others is irrelevant. He was still a human being entitled to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. The appropriate law enforcement response would have been a non-lethal apprehension followed by a fair trial.”

What constitutes a “fair trial” may have been illustrated by Above the Law Elie Mystal editor’s recommendation that black jurors should vote to acquit all non-white defendants accused of crimes against white victims. “I see it as a balancing out of the injustice inflicted on blacks accused of crimes against whites during the Jim Crow era,” Mystal said. “Will it mean exonerating some guilty men? Sure, but that will be payback for all the innocent blacks railroaded by racist juries across America for centuries.”

As it turns out, Artan posted a rant against the oppression of Muslims on his Facebook page prior to his violent attack on his fellow students. In the rant he cited the looks he feared he would get from other students if he tried to follow Islam’s daily calls to prayer, saying that “this would intrude on my right as a Muslim to receive the respect from unbelievers which the Quran commands. My only honorable course is to kill as many of them as I can before I am martyred for Allah.”

Despite the Facebook evidence, Associate Professor Pranav Jani lamented that “since the perpetrator was killed we may never understand why he lashed out like he did.” This sentiment paralleled Ohio Governor John Kasich’s fear that “we may never know the motive behind this unfortunate event.”

In related news, the Church of the Holy Trinity in Kristianstad, Sweden took pity on a group of Muslim refugees and invited them to make themselves a home on church property. Church officials were distressed to find feces and puddles of urine in the back pews of the chapel. In addition to not being housebroken, some of the men terrorized parishioners by screaming Islamic chants during church services, behaving inappropriately in front of young women in the church, climbing on the organ pipes, and, in one instance, trying to kidnap a baby about to be baptized. Unapologetic refugee Ibn Baddas proclaimed “all the world is for Allah and his believers. We should kill these kaffirs for trespassing on land belonging to Islam, but we are merciful.”

Obama Orders Review of Election Interference

President Obama ordered federal intelligence agencies to prepare a report on Russian cyber attacks that interfered with the 2016 election outcome and deliver it to him before January 20, 2017, “so I may take whatever action is required to restore integrity to the democratic process.”

Homeland security adviser Lisa Monaco called the investigation “crucial to the president’s decision on whether he may need to vacate the reported outcome. Rather than let the country to be locked-into accepting a new president illegitimately installed by the dirty tricks of a foreign government, the president needs the information necessary to support his continuation in office until a fair election process can determine a successor.”

A concomitant concern is what sort of counterattack we may need to launch against the Russians for what would clearly be an act of war on their part,” Monaco added. “Putin may think his operatives have been clever enough to not have left a trace of a clue confirming their hostile intervention, but if, in the judgment of our experts, the conclusion is firm that the absence of evidence is not evidence of absence, the President is determined to strike back.”

Monaco insisted that “Trump’s assertion that the idea that Russia was involved and that thoughts of retaliation against them are ‘crazy ideas,’ heightens our suspicion that he may have been an active participant in their nefarious scheme to rig the outcome. His pre-election day contention that the process was rigged may have been a Freudian slip that tends to confirm to his complicity.”

Expenditures by the Trump and Clinton campaigns were also cited as “a virtual smoking gun” by Monaco. “In the end, Clinton outspent Trump by $565 million to $322 million. This plus the almost unanimous support from media outlets for Secretary Clinton argue that Trump’s apparent win must be regarded as highly improbable. Thankfully, President Obama is taking the unprecedented measures needed to protect the nation.”

In related news, recently defeated presidential candidate Hillary Clinton publicly urged Congress “to take steps to stamp out the epidemic of malicious fake news before it destroys the country. A deluge of false stories and outright lies enabled an unfit poser to eke out an apparent Electoral College majority over many say was the most qualified person to ever seek the presidency. Though efforts are currently underway to avert this travesty, it is also imperative that laws be changed to ensure that news be properly vetted by recognized and qualified journalists before it can be released to the public on any media platform.”

Clinton Campaign Tried to Silence Friendly Voice

While the official meme promoted by the left-stream media is that President-Elect Donald Trump is a threat to freedom of speech and freedom of the press, a story reported by MSNBC’s Mika Brzezinski points in the opposite direction.

The co-host of the cable news network’s “Morning Joe” program related a pre-election day incident in which an irate Hillary Clinton campaign official contacted MSNBC executives demanding that she be punished for criticizing the candidate’s “taking the election for granted.”

The thing is, I was worried that Hillary might lose the election and was trying to help her make a small course correction,” Brzezinski said. “This was around the same time that all the polls were showing her with a big lead. I thought the Clinton campaign was acting like the whole thing was already over and they could just coast to an easy win. I was giving them friendly advice. I didn’t think I did anything wrong. Yet, here they were calling for my head. The painful irony is that her arrogance may have been a factor in her losing to Donald Trump.”

In related news, the Dutch establishment’s efforts to stifle Geert Wilders—the leader of the right-wing Party for Freedom—may not work out as well as they hope. This week a Dutch court found Wilders guilty of “inciting racial hatred” when he asked attendees at a 2014 political rally whether they wanted “more or fewer Moroccans to be admitted into the Netherlands.” The court declined the prosecutor’s demand that Wilders be fined €5,000 and held that “conviction alone should be sufficient shame to drive Mr. Wilders out of politics.”

Like the United States’ Donald Trump, though, Wilders has been riding vocal criticism of unrestrained immigration to electoral success. The notoriety he has gained for speaking out on this issue now has his Party leading in the polls for next year’s scheduled elections.

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Senator Desperate to Pass ‘Lame Duck’ Bills

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnSen. Lindsay Graham (R-SC) has joined with Sen. John McCain (R-Az) to modify the recently passed Justice Against Sponsors of Terror Act (JASTA). This law allows victims of terrorist attacks to sue the governments that provide funding and sanctuary to terrorists.

Graham is concerned that “the existing law can come back to bite us. When Congress overrode President Obama’s veto they were thinking ‘let’s make these Muslim governments pay for the damages done by the groups they harbor.’ What was overlooked was the possibility that our own government would be made liable for damage done by terrorists armed by the Obama Administration. Ambassador Stevens, for example, was killed by weapons our country supplied to Libyan terror groups. If the families of those killed in the Benghazi attack sued our own government the embarrassment and damage to our prestige would be incalculable.”

“Haste in amending JASTA is essential,” Graham urged. “If we don’t get this passed before President Obama leaves office we’ll have no chance to achieve the needed reform. A President Trump would surely veto such a change. A President Obama, who didn’t want JASTA to begin with, will readily sign an amendment limiting its scope.”

In a second legislative endeavor, Graham joined with Sen. Dick Durbin (D-Ill) to draft a bill that would bar Trump from deporting some of those in the country illegally. “This bill is necessary because all that currently protects these people from being deported is an Executive Order issued by President Obama,” Graham pointed out. “That Executive Order can be countermanded by Trump on his own initiative without the consent of Congress. Rule by a unilateral Executive Order from a President Trump without Congressional consent would be dictatorial. This is something we must not allow to happen.”

Obama to Admit Refugees Barred from Entering Australia

The Obama Administration has agreed to admit nearly 2500 refugees that the Australian government has refused to allow into their country for “security reasons.” The refugees are from terrorism “hot spots” and have been excluded for failing to clear the country’s vetting process.

Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-Iowa) and Rep. Bob Goodlatte (R-Va) have complained about the lack of transparency in the President’s actions. “In a matter having obvious security implications the President is obliged to consult Congress before agreeing to bring potentially dangerous individuals into the United States,” Grassley contended. “The fact that these men were not deemed a good risk by Australia raises a red flag we ought to heed.”

“What Senator Grassley and Congressman Goodlatte are overlooking is that, almost to a man, these refugees are Muslim,” President Obama observed. “For us not to admit them would essentially be a decision wrought with implications of religious discrimination. Their rejection by Australia makes it even more imperative that we offer them the refuge promised on our Statue of Liberty. The chance that a few of these men may go on to wage jihad against our citizens is the price we have to pay as a free nation.”

President-Elect Donald Trump challenged Obama’s contention and insisted “these are the type of people who must not be allowed into our country. The pledge on the Statue of Liberty is meant to allow people who believe in freedom to come to America. Islamic terrorists are enemies of freedom who kill and destroy for the purpose of replacing freedom with religious tyranny.”

Obama brushed aside the President-Elect’s objections, saying that “by the time he is in a position to influence immigration policy these men will be secretly distributed to undisclosed locations inside the country. He won’t be able to find them, much less have any hope of getting them out of America.”

In related news, the government was forced to suspend citizenship naturalization ceremonies after it became public that the FBI background check system hasn’t been working for an undisclosed period of time. Governor Jerry Brown (D-Calif) invited those seeking naturalization to “come to California. We will give you documents that will enable you to exercise all of the privileges of citizenship, including voting, in our state.”

EEOC Announces New Workplace Regs

The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) announced new workplace regulations requiring employers to accommodate the languages spoken by prospective hires and current employees or “face sanctions including fines and/or revocation of permission to operate.” Oddly, the EEOC cited “the growing diversity of the nation’s workforce as the justification for the new rule.”

Under the new regulations requiring employees to speak or understand English is now deemed unlawful discrimination. “Employees have the right to communicate in a language of their own choosing,” EEOC Chairperson Jenny Yang argued. “It is the employer’s responsibility to learn the language of his employees or hire an interpreter if he can’t.”

The “Tower of Babel” implications of the new regulation didn’t faze Yang. “A polyglot environment is a vibrant environment,” she contended. “The opportunity for employers and employees to be exposed the cultural enrichment from such an environment is too good to pass up.”

Yang disputed critics fears that a “polyglot environment” might not contribute to business efficiency or success, saying that “immersion is a good way to learn a new language. Employers will find their horizons broadened in ways they didn’t think was possible. If they aren’t adept with languages their need to hire translators will stimulate employment by creating jobs.”

In addition to barring employers from requiring employees to understand English, the EEOC also barred requiring Social Security numbers as this “would present an insurmountable obstacle to those in the country illegally. The Administration has determined that immigration status cannot be used as a factor to exclude those without documentation from being hired.” Yang declared employers’ need for SSNs in order to comply with IRS tax collection regulations “not our problem.”

California’s Brave New World

While the most of the country has voted to veer away from the transformation of America spearheaded by President Obama, California has vowed to stay the course, at least on the environmental front.

In terms of air quality, the state has enacted new regulations to limit how much methane gas cows are allowed to emit while farting. California Air Resources Board science adviser Ryan McCarthy called the attempt “truly ambitious. No one really knows how we’re going to get this done. The State Assembly deserves credit for taking on a task that may well be impossible.”

“The obvious first response would be to change the cows’ diet to something less gassy,” McCarthy said. “But cows are evolved and have been bred to eat a high-fiber diet that may be inextricably linked to gassy emissions. Whether it is feasible in an economic or biological sense to shift them to different foods is unknown. Yogurt is a food that may help reduce gas, but trying to feed cows yogurt would create a circular conundrum. Clearly, we face a mountain of challenges if we are to achieve our objective.”

“A second response would be to design a system of capturing the emissions before they enter the air,” McCarthy added. “Attaining an effective seal strikes me as a major difficulty, as would separating out the solids from the gases. If we can recover the methane it could be used to power electric generators. This could offset some of the cost of the program.”

Meanwhile, judicial authorities in San Francisco have voided the City’s law against excreting in the streets. Judge John Stewart declared that “the ordinance against this is basically unenforceable. The penalty is a fine that the indigents living on the streets can’t afford to pay. It is also discriminatory against the homeless. Just because a person can’t afford rent doesn’t mean his bodily needs are negated. Until such a time that the City provides free housing with toilets for every resident it must endure public evacuation of the bladders and bowels of the less fortunate.”

DOJ Declines to Investigate Intimidation Against Trump Electors

Despite numerous reports of harassment and death threats against electors pledged to vote for Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump when the Electoral College meets on December 19, the US Department of Justice, thus far, has declined to take any action. DOJ deputy press secretary David Jacobs cast the issue as “not yet ripe enough.”

“From what we have heard these electors have been called names and warned they could be harmed if they don’t switch their vote to Secretary Clinton,” Jacobs recounted. “Name calling is protected freedom of speech. Just weeks ago the two leading candidates were calling each other ‘racist’ and ‘crooked.’ Given such vituperation at the top it shouldn’t surprise anyone that the backers of the loser would vent in the way they have. In our view, bad-mouthing a few electors is better than rioting in the streets.”

“As for the death threats, without actual casualties it is difficult to determine their seriousness,” Jacobs continued. “Historically, it has been minorities that have been lynched for voting the wrong way—that is, against the white racists that controlled Jim Crow governments across the South. So far, none of the Trump electors have been lynched and none of the Trump supporters that have been beaten in the streets has been seriously injured. Unless this changes, the Attorney General sees no reason to get the Department involved.”

Ironically, the Jim Crow Era crimes cited by Jacobs were carried out by Democrats in support of racist governments run by Democrats. Given the widespread insanity emanating from the supporters of the defeated Hillary Clinton, it is impossible to rule out the possibility that the lack of casualties can be taken as a lamentation for a loss of passion among the Party faithful compared to times past.

Left Mourns Passing of Castro

This week, long-time Cuban dictator Fidel Castro died at the age of 90. He violently took over the government of Cuba in 1959 and ruled it with an iron fist for 50 years until his retirement in 2011. His 85-year-old brother Raul has governed the island the last five years.

Fidel’s rule began with mass executions of opponents by firing squad for the entertainment of cheering crowds at the Havana soccer stadium. Enemies who weren’t murdered were thrown into filthy prisons where they were tortured and abused. The vast majority of Cubans lived lives of abject poverty and oppression. Over a million of them escaped by floating to the United States, many on make-shift rafts.

President Obama called Castro “a man who has had an enormous impact on the people around him.”

Pope Francis called Castro’s death “sad news.”

Former President Jimmy Carter said he and his wife “remember fondly our visits with him in Cuba. He called me a friend.”

Green Party presidential candidate Jill Stein praised him as “a symbol of the struggle for justice.”

Black Lives Matter issued a statement hailing Castro as “an inspiration for people seeking freedom and peace.”

In contrast, thousands of surviving escapees and their descendants living in the “Little Havana” section of Miami danced in the streets.

On the right, President-Elect Donald Trump excoriated “Fidel Castro’s legacy of firing squads, theft, unimaginable suffering, poverty and the denial of fundamental human rights” and pledged to roll back the Obama administration’s opening to Cuba unless his successors “move away from the horrors endured for too long, and toward a future in which the wonderful Cuban people finally live in the freedom they so richly deserve.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Democrat Party Doesn’t Need White People in Leadership

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnIn a bid to simplify the race for who will be the next chairperson of the Democratic National Committee, former Bernie Sanders for President spokeswoman Symone Sanders advised melanin deficient aspirants to “back off. We don’t need white people leading the Democratic Party right now.”

Contrasting “the whupping dished out to two pasty-faced white dudes by the Barack to the embarrassing upset suffered by the ghostly Hillary makes it clear that the Party’s future lies with people of color,” Symone argued. She was especially anxious that “the ‘crazy yodeling white dude’ not be allowed to lead the Party into the weeds” and expressed her support “for someone like Ellison to take the reins.”

Rep. Keith Ellison (D-Minn), an African-American Muslim from the communist wing of the Party, has already offered himself as a candidate for the DNC post. He is the second to announce his availability. Former Governor of Vermont Howard Dean, the “crazy yodeling white dude,” was the first.

Both of these men bring solid credentials into their bid to replace the scandal-plagued Donna Brazile as head of the DNC. Dean has called Donald Trump’s former campaign chairman and current senior strategic adviser, Stephen Bannon, a “Nazi.” Ellison, on the other hand, is the first openly Muslim member of Congress and a proponent of the theory that Jews were responsible for the 9-11 attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon.

Symone gained some notoriety in a recent CNN appearance where she dismissed a video of Blacks beating a white man who voted for Trump as “a small down payment on the debt owed for centuries of abuse of Blacks by whites. Millions of Blacks received worse beatings from white slave owners for less cause. The white man in the video brought it on himself by voting for Trump.”

In related news, the Baton Rouge Metro Council voted 10-2 to offer a $100,000 settlement to the Black Lives Matter agitators arrested for rioting last July. The riot stemmed from a demonstration in protest of police shooting Alton Sterling as he reached for his gun during a confrontation with the officers. The riot featured vandalism, road blockage, and an assault on a police officer.

France to Pay Illegals to Leave

The government of France is offering a bounty of €2,500 to migrants who voluntarily go home to their country of origin. The €2,500 to cover air fare is only part of the deal. An additional €10,000 in financial aid is available to help them get set up on arriving home.

Didier Leschi, the head of France’s immigration office, called the payment “a bargain compared to the cost of sustaining these people via the welfare benefits to which they are entitled under French law. The €10,000 each will receive upon arrival is enough to fund a small business in their native lands.”

The “small business” Syrian refugee Muhammed al-Gougu has in mind is an immigrant travel agency. “As I see it, with a €10,000 stake I can smuggle about 50 refugees into France each of whom will qualify for his own €12,500 repatriation allotment,” he observed. “They each will pay me a fee out of their allotment. I will use my profits to expand my business.”

In related news, a study conducted by the Confcommercio group found a statistical link between increased immigration and increased crime. For every one percent increase in immigration there was a 0.4 percent increase in crime. Rather than seeing this as a problem, the Italian government pointed out that “according to this study only 40% of the additional immigrants are involved in the commission of crimes. That’s less than half of them.” A less cheery finding is that legal immigrants are twice as likely and illegal immigrants are ten times as likely as natives to commit crimes.

Voter ID Laws Rigged Election for Trump

The League of Women Voters called for the election of Donald Trump to be voided on the grounds that the election was rigged. Chris Carson, president of the League of Women Voters maintains that “state laws requiring voters to show IDs before they are allowed to cast a ballot unduly restrict the franchise.”

“The whole point of democracy is to allow the people to govern themselves,” Carson said. “Limiting the franchise to only those who can prove who they are narrows the base and excludes those who can’t or won’t agree to identify themselves. This conflicts with the principle of the secret ballot.”

Nineteen states and Washington, D.C. have no ID mandate. According to Carson, “this is the model the rest of the country should be compelled to adopt. Look at how many came to the polls in California where no ID has to be shown. Look at how big of a margin it was for Hillary Clinton in this state. Clearly, the mandate of the people is that she should be president. That she’s not is a badge of shame tainting our democracy.”

Whether a “no ID” system would validate or destroy the democratic process is a matter for debate. Critics of Carson’s perspective estimate that in California alone at least two million non-citizens were allowed to cast ballots. That the participation of ineligible voters might dilute the effectiveness of citizens’ preferences is a perspective shared by the 80% of Americans who support ID requirements. To Carson, though, “citizenship is an arbitrary demarcation. As President Obama has pointed out, non-citizens living in the country have a material interest in the outcome and they have a moral right to defend the time and effort they invested in infiltrating our borders from being negated by the xenophobic contingent who by accident of birth are citizens through no virtue of their own.”

Bureaucrats Order Destruction of Food Bound for Homeless Shelter

The attempt by Kookers Kare to donate 4,000 lbs. of leftovers from the American Royal’s World Series of Barbecue to a local nonprofit organization called Hope City was thwarted by the Kansas City Health Department. The food donation has traditionally fed thousands of homeless persons in Kansas City for decades without complaint or incident. This time, however, the donated food was ordered destroyed by the Kansas City Health Department.

“All of that food was uninspected, so that makes it from an unapproved source, it cannot be served to the public,” Operations Manager Joe Williamson said. “It doesn’t matter that both sides of the transaction were satisfied with the arrangement. It doesn’t matter that the homeless recipients relish getting these award-winning leftovers. The government sets the rules that everyone is obliged to obey. The fact that the disobedience on display here has been going on for years without our knowledge merely exacerbates the crime.”

Williamson insisted that “the culprits are being let off easy. We took their claimed good intent into consideration and refrained from assessing fines or recommending prosecution. Rather than lamenting our interdiction of their illegal scheme they should consider themselves fortunate they’re not headed to jail.”

Union Decries Trump Nominee for Department of Education

President-elect Donald Trump’s nomination of Betsy DeVos for Secretary of Education did not sit well with American Federation of Teachers President Randi Weingarten. “In nominating DeVos, Trump makes it loud and clear that his education policy will focus on shifting control of education into the hands of students and their parents,” she complained. “This defies logic and can only lead to the destruction of the public education system.”

Weingarten dismissed the consumer empowerment concept as “a naive perspective for the delivery of as complex a product as education. Does a parent really know what’s best for her child? Can we, as a society, really afford to gamble with the future of our children? I hope the Senate will reject DeVos and demand that this vital post be manned by someone who has the same kind of expertise as every previous secretary since President Carter created a Cabinet-level Department of Education.”

In nominating DeVos, Trump called her “a brilliant and passionate education advocate. Under her leadership we will reform the US education system and break the bureaucracy that is holding our children back so that we can deliver world-class education and school choice to all families.”

DeVos says her advocacy of charter schools and school voucher programs “is aimed at employing the same consumer choice approach that has driven the commercial sector of our economy to ever higher levels of innovation and proficiency. The existing state-run education bureaucracy stifles innovation and has delivered a chronically deficient product. It’s time to try an approach that has worked elsewhere in our economy.”

In related news, the Silver Trail Middle School in Pembroke Pines, Florida has suspended an honor-student for using a toddler’s butter knife to cut and share a peach with a fellow student. A spokeswoman for the Broward Country school district defended the school’s punitive response as “simply following our policy on weapons.” The knife has been forwarded to the State Attorney’s Office “as evidence in case criminal charges need to be brought against the offender.”

Trump’s Direct Communication to Public Irks Major Media

Since winning the election, president-elect Donald Trump has broadcast a couple of brief messages directly to the general public over the Internet on his Facebook page. These communications have been denounced by some media talking heads.

Katy Tur of MSNBC called this “a disturbing end-run around the critical filter provided by professional journalists. It allows Trump to put his own ‘spin’ on the message and transmit it to voters before it has been vetted by those of us whose job it is to act as intermediaries.”

That Trump would seek a more direct path to communicate with Americans was probably inspired by the hatchet job the mainstream media did on him during the recently completed election campaign. So biased was the coverage that according to a Pew research study, 38percent  of the general public gave the major media an “F” compared to a combined total of only 22% giving a grade of “A” or “B.”

Tur was unmoved by the Pew findings, claiming that “average people aren’t really qualified to judge us. We are the ones with journalism degrees. We are the ones with real world experience covering politics. The ignorant impressions of the man-in-the-street can’t be taken as a valid critiques of our work.”


A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Micro-Aggression Terror at Portland Starbucks

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnCustomers and staff at a Portland, Oregon Starbuck’s coffee shop endured a moment of pure terror when another customer asked for the name “Trump” to be written on his order.

“This used to be a safe space,” said a weepy barista while whipping up a Latte Venti for a cowering customer in an “I’m with her” t-shirt. “That our grief over the election results could be so disrespected so soon reaffirms our fears that a new dark age is upon us.”

Customer, Marcus Child admitted to “trembling in horror at the insensitivity of some people. The greatest woman in human history has just seen her dreams shattered by a wave of bigotry from the deplorable voters who backed a fascist takeover of this country.”

Weeping and trembling weren’t the only activities underway during this terrifying incident. One of the victims covertly called the police on the 911 line. Ten minutes later police arrived to confront the man who inspired the widespread angst. He seemed oddly calm and unaware as he drank his coffee and fiddled with his cell  


As it turned out, the man’s name is John Trump. He, like most of his fellow Portlandians, voted for Hillary Clinton. Nevertheless, he was apologetic for his inadvertent aggression. “I’m disappointed too, but its just an election,” he said. “There’ll be another one in a few years. I guess in hindsight I should’ve used my first name. It’s just that ‘John’ is so common. I was afraid my order might get mixed up with another customer’s.”

Police advised John Trump to consider bearing the risk of order mix-ups for a while, “at least until the terror stemming from Donald Trump’s being elected president subsides a bit.”

In related news, anti-Trump protesters outside the Trump Hotel in Washington, DC called for Donald’s wife Melania to be raped. How this fits with the the protesters’ contention that Trump is the advocate of hate remains a mystery.

Campaign Launched to Reverse Election Outcome

A campaign has been launched by Hillary supporters to intimidate Trump electors into voting for Clinton on December 19th. Personal data—names and addresses—have been published in hopes that “people will take the initiative to contact these electors and persuade them to change their vote for the good of the country.” Part of that “good” may be self-preservation, as a number of Trump electors have reported receiving death threats if they “vote wrong.”

Retiring Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) blamed President-Elect Donald Trump for “the surge of violence that has erupted since the election. His deplorable campaign of hate and bigotry left those of us who love America with no choice but to take extreme measures to try to overturn the erroneous voting results. I call upon Mr. Trump to do the right thing and step down to allow the winner of the popular vote to take office.”

Outgoing President Obama says he takes “comfort in the fortitude of those marching in protest of Donald Trump’s apparent electoral victory. Many of those demonstrating their displeasure missed the opportunity to vote on election day. It is encouraging to see that they haven’t given up and are going the extra mile while there is still a chance to correct the mistake made by those who did vote.”

The head of the Los Angeles office for the Council on American-Islamic Relations (CAIR), Hussam Ayloush, called for Muslims “to overthrow the government now that it is no longer friendly toward our objectives.”

In related news, the Democratic Party, looking to lock up the Muslim vote in future elections, seems set to install Minnesota Representative Keith Ellison as the new chairman of the Democratic National Committee. Ellison has been endorsed by both outgoing Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid and incoming Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (NY) as “a strong progressive who will bring new thinking to the DNC.”

Obama Endorses Merkel

US President Barack Obama’s farewell tour of Europe saw him heaping fulsome praise on Germany’s Chancellor Angela Merkel this week.

The President called her “an outstanding partner” and said “her assistance in fighting global warming, negotiating the Iranian deal, and standing up to Russian aggression has been critical to the progress we have made. Her decision to welcome over a million Muslim refugees is, I believe, a strategic move of immense significance. Muslims are among the fiercest fighters in world history. If Germany had been Muslim in the 1940s the outcome of World War II might well have been different. What’s past is past, but the future is looking brighter because of what she has done.”

Obama also hailed “Germany’s achievement of a new domestic model of a multicultural society where the best of eastern reproductive fecundity and the western work ethic are being mixed into a dynamic synthesis that will change forever the way we perceive social justice. I just wish I could vote for her.”

Whether Obama’s praise and endorsement will help Merkel in the coming elections is questionable. In recent by-elections in Berlin, Merkel’s Christian Democrats were beaten by candidates from the anti-immigrant Alternative for Germany party. It appears that actual Germans aren’t as keen on the idea of Islamizing the country as Merkel and Obama seem to be.

In related news, a translator working with Muslim refugees in Germany says that when talking amongst themselves, “they express hatred and contempt for Christians and boast they will out breed them and claim Germany for Allah.”

Senator Vows to Blockade Trump Agenda

Sen. Lindsay Graham (R-SC) vowed he would block Trump’s efforts to clamp down on illegal immigration and make peace with Russia. “He may think that because there is a GOP majority that he can get his way over here,” Graham warned. “But it will only take a few of us to join with the Democrats to thwart his plans.”

Graham found Trump’s idea that the United States and Russia could make common cause to fight ISIS “frightening. Russia has been this country’s adversary for longer than I’ve been alive. They have nuclear weapons. They’re dangerous. ISIS is a ‘johnny-come-lately’ phenomenon. They have no nuclear weapons. They are far less dangerous. President Obama’s strategy of aiding ISIS as a counterbalance to Russia strikes me as the wiser policy option. I will do everything I can to try to sustain this course of action.”

“From my perspective, President Obama has done a damn good job,” Graham insisted. “I’m not going to stand by and allow all the good work he’s accomplished be undone. The advances made toward recognizing the inherent gender fluidity of life are, by themselves, the most important achievement in our nation’s history. We will never be able to thank him enough for this signature success.”

Google Promises to Censor “Fake News”

Acknowledging that “our knee-jerk notion that freedom of speech should not be stifled may have blinded us to our responsibility to prevent the promulgation of ‘fake news,’” Google’s chief executive Sundar Pichai said and promised “to do a better job of weeding out erroneous and misleading posts in the future.”

Pichai was especially hard on himself “for letting Hillary down. The more established media arbiters at CNN, NBC, CBS, etc. held as firm as they could to protect their viewers from being exposed to bogus news like the Wikileaks documents. But those of us in the Internet zone allowed our users to publish them. That illegally obtained documents would be permitted to poison voters’ opinion of Secretary Clinton’s honesty and suitability was a travesty. This never would have happened in the days when all the news was filtered through iconic reporters like Cronkite and Brokaw.”

The Google executive admitted to uncertainty about “how to fight against ideological pollution,” but assured that “we will do whatever it takes to clean things up. However, since we can’t guarantee that every fake news story can be effectively blocked ahead of time it would be helpful if penalties could be imposed on those who slip past our safeguards.”

Meanwhile, the New York Times—a leading purveyor of fake news—desperately begged readers to stop canceling their subscriptions and promised to cease fabricating the news in the future. Odds-makers are doubtful this strategy will work. “Only a fool would bet on a liar to tell the truth if given a second chance,” said one anonymous source.

Chicago to Remain Sanctuary City

Calling illegal alien criminal gangs “a time-honored part of our city’s culture,” Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel announced that “we will remain a sanctuary city regardless of whatever opposition a President Trump might express to our policy.”

For his part, President-Elect Trump has pledged to deport or incarcerate the estimated two million illegal aliens in the country who have criminal records. Given that Chicago suffers from dozens of gang-related shootings every month it would seem that removing criminal aliens from the mix might lessen the carnage.

Emanuel was having none of this, though, calling the apparent salutary objective of deporting the worst of the worst “a camouflage for the real aim of deporting prospective Democrat voters. I think that most Latinos are willing to accept a few casualties as a reasonable price to pay for the gains that can be attained from being granted an electoral franchise.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.





Trump Win Sparks Left-Wing Protests

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnDonald Trump’s surprising upset win over his heavily favored Democratic rival Hillary Clinton has sparked disturbing responses from some of her supporters. In Oakland, California anti-Trump protesters battled with police and set a squad car on fire. In Los Angeles, a protester ominously predicted “there will be casualties…because people have to die to make a change in this world.” In Portland, Oregon, rioters vandalized businesses. On Twitter the “hashtag” #assassinateTrump is trending.

Kellyanne Conway, Trump’s campaign manager, called on President Obama and Hillary Clinton to ask their supporters to refrain from violence. “We didn’t see this kind of violent response from Republicans when President Obama was elected in 2008 and 2012,” Conway pointed out. “The very least the leaders of the Democratic Party should do is urge their followers to confine themselves to peaceful and legal means of expressing their opinions.”

Thus far, Obama and Clinton have remained mum, but Press Secretary Josh Earnest reassured the media that “President Obama’s position that Trump is uniquely unqualified hasn’t changed. That there should be widespread outrage that a person with such poor suitability might be the next president shouldn’t be surprising. Carrying this outrage into the streets is a natural expression of views protected by the First Amendment.”

Meanwhile, presumed front-runner for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren defended the protests as “a justifiable response to a Trump campaign fueled by racism and bigotry. People are upset and they’re right to be upset. The damage done breaking a few windows and roughing up a few suspected Trump voters is far less than the damage that will be done by a Trump Administration.”

Retiring Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) asserted that “the election of Donald Trump has emboldened the forces of hate and bigotry in America.” Lest anyone think he might be condemning the anti-Trump rioters, Reid maintains that “innocent African Americans, Hispanic Americans, Muslim Americans, LGBT Americans and Asian Americans are now living in fear of their own government and their fellow Americans.” A fear that he argues is “entirely rational.” Reid concluded by laying the responsibility for restoring order on Trump who, he says “could immediately defuse the situation by conceding the election to Hillary Clinton. She won the popular vote. More people want her to be president than want Trump to be president.”

In related news, the demand for psychiatric services in New York City soared after Trump’s victory. Local Dr. Fran Tichman was giddy over the boom in business. “New Yorkers already have above average incidences of emotional issues. Many are living on the edge of mental breakdown. The recent election has pushed these people over the brink.”

The contrast with the right-wing surge to buy guns during the Obama Administration is profound. At that time, we saw conservatives taking action to defend themselves from external threats. Now, we see people seeking mental counseling help for internal threats. While NYC shrinks are filling their calendars with appointments, sales of firearms are expected to decline with Trump in office.

Democrats Seeking Scapegoat for Loss

Reeling from the shock of an unanticipated election defeat, Clinton Campaign chairman John Podesta, whose emails detailing rampant cheating and corruption by the Democratic National Committee and its chosen candidate were exposed by Wikileaks, blamed media bias in favor of Trump as “the main reason we lost. Their refusal to give adequate coverage to Trump’s obvious unfitness combined with their unfair and relentless scrutiny of every little misstep made by Secretary Clinton poisoned her reputation was a stab in the back by people we thought we could trust.”

As an example of media bias, Podesta cited “the superficial attention given to Trump’s taxes and his connections to Russia. Despite our repeated efforts to help them focus on the message we wanted to convey on these issues they got side-tracked by the Wikileaks invasion of my private communications. My emails were obtained illegally and would not have been admissible in a court of law. In a just world the content of these emails would have been suppressed.”

Podesta also named the Obama Administration “an accessory in this miscarriage of justice. At the very least, the Department of Justice should have issued a ‘gag order’ barring newspapers, TV networks, and radio stations from mentioning any of the contents in any of these emails. Instead, FBI Director James Comey was allowed to enumerate a list of infractions that gave the impression that Clinton was guilty of some sort of crime for operating a non-secure system, destroying public documents, and lying about it. This was a betrayal of the first magnitude.”

Long-time Clinton crony Sidney Blumenthal offered some sympathy for Comey, calling him “the victim of a conspiracy of right-wing FBI agents who staged a coup d’etat against the rightful rulers of this country. Comey tried to protect Hillary from these traitors, but was thwarted by pressure from them ridiculously insisting that she be treated the same as any other person under the law.”

President Obama blamed Facebook. “By essentially allowing anyone to post whatever they wanted to on Facebook, Mr. Zuckerberg neglected his responsibility to police the forum and block the publication of erroneous ideas,” Obama complained. “I know he contends that his algorithms were designed to divert attention away from these erroneous ideas, but clearly that wasn’t adequate. Millions of people were still able, through persistence, to find these posts and be influenced by them to cast incorrect ballots. This is something that has to be fixed before the next election.”

Obama Pondering Pardoning Clinton

Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest expressed confidence that President Obama would “not let emotional outbursts by people understandably distraught over the election deter him from pardoning Hillary and those other public servants for any crimes they may have committed in the course of performing their duties. The template for such a pardon was established by President Ford’s similar pardon for Nixon. And as Hillary pointed out in one of the debates, in America we don’t jail losing candidates.”

“Governing is not a business for the squeamish,” Earnest added. “Actions that might be regarded as appalling if done by ordinary people may be necessary for maintaining order and continuity among those elevated to rule the nation. Punishing members of the governing class for undertaking the distasteful tasks necessary would be too disruptive to the peaceful transfer of power.”

France and Germany Rattled by Trump’s Election

French and German officials expressed concern over the election of Donald Trump as the next US president.

French Foreign Minister Jean-Marc Ayrault called Trump’s triumph over Clinton “a shock to the system. Trump’s insistence that we must pay for our own defense is an unprecedented deviation from the post WWII consensus.”

French President Francois Hollande, languishing with a pathetic 4% approval rating, feared that “the success of Mr. Trump may be a harbinger of a resurgent right-wing in France. If a nation with only a tiny fraction of Muslim immigrants installs Trump there would seem to be little chance of us avoiding the election of Marine Le Pen next year.”

A despondent German Chancellor Angela Merkel wondered “who will now help bear the burden of accepting Muslim gropers, molesters, and rapists? Secretary Clinton gave many assurances that significant numbers would be admitted to the United States if she was elected. Trump promises to block all those who can’t be properly vetted. This may end the post-World War II alliance between our two countries.”

In related news, the Muslim Brotherhood labeled Trump’s election “a disaster for our hopes of creating a new global caliphate. Our opportunity to penetrate America will be drastically curtailed and our fighters trapped within the confines of Europe and Asia.”

NYC Mayor to Delete Illegal Alien Database

New York City’s Democratic Mayor Bill de Blasio says he will order the deletion of the database of 850,000 illegal aliens residing in his city “to protect them from any enforcement action President Trump may attempt after he takes office.”

The database was established as part of deBlasio’s initiative to issue ID cards to those in the country illegally “so they can live normal lives like any other American. New York has been and will remain a sanctuary city. If it was important when a friendly Administration was in charge in Washington, it is crucial now that a hostile bigot like Trump is in line to be president.”

DeBlasio proclaimed himself “unafraid of what a President Trump might do. Congress will never allow him to cut federal aid to sanctuary cities. And the FBI is already on record declaring that the deletion of public data by former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was not a prosecutable offense. So, there’s precedent protecting our action. I don’t see what leverage Trump could have to try to enforce compliance with his new policies.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.


Reflections on the Elections

Most amazing: President-elect Trump’s rallies in numerous states were amazing. It appeared in several states that he would lose, but then he came roaring on to take them in the latter stages of vote counting. We were appalled at some of Trump’s behavior in past years, but we are confident that with friends like Dr. Ben Carson and Franklin Graham standing with him, he is a changed man. He has the potential to undue much of the horrific damage done to the nation by Barack Hussein Obama.

Most shocking: What, are you kidding? No Democratic lawsuits, no challenges over votes, no demands for recounts? When you get whipped that badly, not even Democrat lawyers can muck up the works enough to contest an election. And the Dems were no doubt over-confident that they’d win the presidency outright and would not actually need to resort to their usual dirty tricks. About the only weasel works evident were Democrat attempts to run to courts and beg judges to extend voting hours. Thank goodness, these attempts were rebuffed.

Most appalling: The civil unrest that’s followed. What are high schools and colleges teaching these truant students? That when things don’t go your way, when you suffer disappointments, you walk out of school and throw a hissy fit. You need an emotional support dog. You disobey law enforcement officers by blocking streets. You riot. You damage other people’s property. You sign a petition demanding the election results be overturned. Bottom line? You do not prepare these kids for the work place. Try these stunts on work time and you’ll be out of a job. Life is full of disappointments. Grow up.

Least surprising: A stand-up president would call for order, civility and calmness in the cities under siege by rioters. A leader in the White House would urge restraint and respect for the transition of power and for other people’s property. But that’s not what we have in the man in the White House. A real leader would be working with cities to quell the riots and beef up security with the National Guard. This president is weak and inept.

Highly disgusting: So-called “newscasters”  at ABC Channel 15 in Phoenix participated in an election commercial aimed at making a Republican congressional candidate look bad. The commercial accused Paul Babeu of mistreating students years ago as the headmaster at a school in Massachusetts. No less than four ABC “newscasters” were shown scowling during the hit piece, clearly trying to cast a pall on Babeu. Totally unethical, improper and inappropriate.

Highly alarming: Radical leftist George Soros threw his big fat wallet into Arizona and took down legendary Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio. The Obama Administration had been attacking Arpaio in the courts for years. He’s an impediment to the Democrat-sponsored border invasion designed to bring in new voters. And he had to go. They finally got him. Soros is never up for election, so we can’t vote out the war chest he’s using to attack America at its foundations.

Mostly gone: In two years from now we must defeat Secretary of State Michelle Reagan in the GOP primary. She has proven incompetent in her election performance, not able to master the technology, which delays voting results. The scary thing is that this pro-abortion leftist is a heartbeat away from the governor’s office, and the secretary of state’s office has been a springboard for some future governors. We can do better than this. We need a good conservative leader to take out Reagan in the 2018 primary election.

Welcome newcomer: Hey, Andy Biggs, welcome to Congress! As the successor to Matt Salmon in the East Valley congressional district, we are overjoyed at your election and know you’ll do a great job! Congratulations, also, to incumbents winning re-election: Trent Franks, David Schweikert, Martha McSally and Paul Gosar. We still to regain the seat in northeastern Arizona.

Abominable: We are indebted to the voters who rejected Prop 205 and stopped the national wave of marijuana legalization in Arizona. The commercials claiming marijuana would help children’s education were nothing short of abominable. Unconscionable! Unfortunately Prop 206 passed, raising the minimum wage, and that will really hurt small businesses and people seeking part-time work. The state’s new minimum wage is untenable for many businesses and they’ll hire fewer people, likely let others go. Bad move, voters.

2016 Arizona General Election Results


Trump — 709,125

Clinton — 665,125










































PROP 205



PROP 206