Warren’s Free Health Care for All Plan Costs $52 Trillion

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

This week, Democratic presidential contender Sen. Elizabeth Warren unveiled her much-touted “free health care for all” plan. The estimated ten-year cost of $52 trillion will be entirely borne by the “rich.”

“The middle class—those living on public assistance, unemployment benefits, or working in the informal economy—will receive care at no cost to themselves,” Warren boasted. “The rich—those who own businesses that withhold necessities from the masses unless they are paid for supplying them and their employees will be compelled to bear the burden of universal health care.”

Rival presidential contender former Vice-President Joe Biden accused Warren of “mathematical gymnastics. Clearly, the vast majority of those she is calling ‘rich’ are the working stiffs who are the backbone of the middle class. As she would have it, anyone who receives a salary or a wage will be hit with higher taxes to supply the expansive medical care she is proposing.”

The Senator welcomed Biden’s objections, saying “granted, my plan is projected to cost two million employees their jobs—knocking them out of the ranks of the rich and into the middle class—but the upside is that they will be the beneficiaries of the more complete health care coverage I am mandating. Joe’s objection is further proof that he is out-of-step with the modern Democratic Party. He doesn’t understand that it is the capitalistic system that forces people to have to work in order to live. Socialism will liberate everyone from this servitude by guaranteeing everyone the necessities of life without imposing the burdens of toil. I am the candidate that is best prepared to usher in the new era of total lifetime security and leisure that will be possible once we bring down the capitalist exploiters.”

Pelosi Praises Patriotism of Deep State

With the House finally endorsing the impeachment process being spearheaded by Intelligence Committee Chairman Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif), Speaker Nancy Pelosi took a moment “to give credit to the members of the deep state that made this possible. The willingness of men like James Comey, John Brennan, Peter Strzok, and others to go outside the bounds of strict obedience to the law despite the peril to their reputations, must not be overlooked or taken for granted. Their hyping of the Steele Dossier and surveillance of the Trump campaign nearly turned the 2016 election in Hillary’s favor.”

“Though that effort was thwarted by ill-informed voters in strategically positioned states, they didn’t give up,” she continued. “Before Trump was inaugurated they implemented plan B to undermine his ability to carry out his agenda. The covert surveillance of Trump and his supporters was extended. A Special Prosecutor was appointed to provide nearly two years worth of leaks alleging wrongdoing that fed a relentless media campaign against the illegitimate president. After that effort failed to oust Trump, plan C was launched as a CIA mole within the Trump Administration worked with Rep. Schiff to assail Trump’s authority to investigate foreign involvement with the deep state’s pre-election anti-Trump activities.”

“The persistence of these heroic men should be commended,” Pelosi urged. “Though not explicitly provided for in our Constitution, the deep state has organically evolved over the years to protect the nation from mistakes made by voters and to ensure that the permanent interests of the government would not be disrupted by unwarranted changes in administrations. The complaints from Trump and his backers should not be allowed to tarnish the work of these patriots. If it weren’t for them we’d have no viable way of getting rid of a man who never should have been elected president.”

In related news, Pelosi defended the impeachment procedures requiring Republicans to get Schiff’s permission to ask certain questions of the witnesses called to testify. “There is a great risk that Republicans will try to ask questions that are either irrelevant or antagonistic to the narrative being developed by the hearings,” she pointed out. “Rather than allow them to trip up witnesses into contradicting themselves and muddle the message, we are authorizing Rep. Schiff to rule out anything he deems to be out-of-line with the purpose of our inquiry.”

Omar Defends Vote on Armenian Genocide

In a rare instance of bipartisanship, the House voted 405-11 to condemn the extermination and expulsion of 1.5 million Armenians by Ottoman Turks during World War I as a genocide. Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-Minn) voted “present.”

Omar explained that “while there should be accountability for unwarranted human rights violations, weighing in on one side of a religious dispute would be improper. Armenians are Christians. Turks are Muslims. It is the religious obligation of Muslims to fight unbelievers and to slay them if they resist. Even the most cursory reading of the Quran conforms this obligation. I understand the Christians’ aversion to being killed, but there was and is a simple solution—convert to Islam or pay the jizya, if that option is offered to them. To refuse to do either is a refusal to have peace. Congress has no business taking sides in this long struggle to make all the world for Allah.”

California Governors Blame Republicans for Fires

Former Gov. Jerry Brown (D) says the fires now consuming large swaths of the state are the fault of Republicans. “Both myself and current Gov. Newsom have been striving to return California to the kind of ecological balance that prevailed before the white man invaded the area,” Brown asserted. “It is the GOP’s insistence on imposing modern technology that is the true cause of the conflagration. If it weren’t for the massive amounts of electricity needed to power the unnatural lifestyles of the white man we wouldn’t need the PG&E electric lines that are setting our forests on fire.”

Prior to the Brown and Newsom regimes, PG&E was permitted to trim foliage near its power lines. This helped minimize the frequency of fires being started by branches falling onto the lines and breaking them. Now, there are more falling branches, more broken power lines, and more uncleared brush under the fallen lines ready to be ignited by sparks from the broken lines.

Most sensible people would recognize the chain of events leading to the fires. Most sensible people would support steps to mitigate the danger while still preserving access to electricity for California consumers and businesses. Yet, Newsom insists that “it is the refusal of these selfish consumers—all of whom are aided and abetted by Republicans—to adjust their modes of living to cut back on excess consumption that is responsible for the disaster that has befallen our state.”

Contradicting the claims of Brown and Newsom is a comprehensive analysis done by California’s Legislative Analyst Office last year. This analysis cited long standing failures of policy by the state. These failures included neglecting to properly thin out the forest overgrowth that fuels disastrous fires. They also included spending billions to reduce carbon-dioxide emissions by a tiny fraction of the world’s annual emission of this gas.

In related news, Newsom blamed homeowners for the surge in homeless encampments in Los Angeles and San Francisco. “Most residents of California have an excess of living space,” the Governor maintained. “Rooms that could house homeless people are set aside for such frivolous uses as separate bedrooms for each child, home offices, TV dens, or storage space. We need to look into legislation that will incentivize homeowners to take in boarders. Perhaps a property surtax for underutilized space could be folded into the state’s tax code.”

Late-Entry Dem Presidential Contender Endorses Reparations

In a bid for black votes, Democratic presidential candidate Tom Steyer came out strongly in favor of slavery reparations. “The 400 years of unfairness toward blacks must be offset with 400 years of favoritism toward the descendants of the victims of slavery and oppression.”

Steyer acknowledged that “it may not be possible to sort out the whites who were responsible for the crimes against blacks from the whites who worked, fought, and died to end these crimes. Neither can we identify blacks who contributed to the crimes by capturing people in Africa to sell to slave traders or who were, themselves, owners of slaves. Another difficulty is determining which of today’s blacks residing in America are descended from blacks who were slaves vs. blacks who were not—an example of which is Sen. Kamala Harris who is a descendant of slave owners.”

“Nevertheless, even a rough justice that punishes some innocents while rewarding the descendants of some of the guilty is better than no justice,” Steyer insisted. “We must not accept the Republican contention that each person must be judged as an individual and that specific proof of culpability must exist before compensation is extracted from that individual. This is the same kind of logic that would allow Trump to go free just because there is no tangible evidence of his guilt. It is a standard that is tied to out-dated concepts of individualism. We need to move beyond that if we hope to achieve the sort of social justice our consciences demand.”

Two Percent Budget Cut Rejected

Given the federal government’s accumulated $23 trillion national debt and current year projected deficit of nearly a trillion dollars, Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY) introduced an appropriations amendment that would cut 2 percent from next year’s planned federal spending in the departments of commerce, science, justice, transportation, housing, urban development, agriculture; and interior. The Senate rejected this proposal by a 67-24 margin.

Sen. Patrick Leahy (D-Vt.), the top Democrat on the Senate Appropriations Committee, urged a vote against Paul’s measure, saying that “taking a meat ax to the federal budget is contrary to what the American voters want. Every dollar requested by each of these federal agencies is vitally needed to ensure the smooth flow of money to our chosen recipients. Sen. Paul’s contention that this money would be better spent by the individual taxpayers who earned it is an unproven assertion.”

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) argued that “the ‘fat’ in these agencies’ budgets is the payoff demanded by the Democrats for their votes to adequately fund our military. The risk of under-funded defense is a greater threat than the waste that will result from over-funding our bloated bureaucracies. I ask that all Republicans vote against Sen. Paul’s amendment.”

Impeachment Junta Cries Foul

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

The two Congressional Democrats conducting the secret trial of President Trump denounced Attorney General William Barr’s decision to open a criminal investigation of the origins of the FBI/Obama Administration’s efforts to prevent Trump’s election in 2016.

In a joint statement from House Intelligence Committee Chairman Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) and House Judiciary Committee Chairman Rep. Jerry Nadler (D-NY) the two complained that “using the Department of Justice to investigate a political matter is a clear abuse of authority. It makes the DOJ co-conspirators with the Republican senators who have condemned our confidential effort to generate sufficient revulsion among the general population to inspire Republicans to join us in ousting Trump from office.”

Schiff decried “the defective character exhibited by Barr’s refusal to recuse himself like his predecessor Sessions did. Sessions may have had his faults, but he put country ahead of party when it came to rooting out the Russian collusion that illegally kept Secretary Clinton from rightfully ascending to the presidency. By his decision today Barr is daring us to add his name to the list of persons who must be punished for actions aiding and abetting the crimes of Donald Trump.”

Barr took the criticism as “proof we’re on the trail of the actual would-be usurpers of the people’s right to choose who they want as president. For two years, Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller ranged far and wide in search of evidence against President Trump and was forced to admit that he could find none. At the same time, the behaviors of notable figures in the FBI and CIA between Trump’s announcement he would run for president and today appear to be outside the scope of their legal authority. As I said prior to being confirmed as AG, government spying on a candidate is a big deal. We are going to impanel a grand jury to hear evidence aimed at determining who was responsible for the crimes of these agencies.”

Scheme to Outlaw Gas-Powered Vehicles Hatched

Senate Minority Leaders Chuck Schumer (D-NY) has proposed legislation that would have the federal government “buy back” all motor vehicles that use fossil fuels. He says he got the idea from Democratic presidential candidate Rep, Beto O’Rourke’s plan to “buy back” firearms.

Under Schumer’s bill, the government would buy these vehicles for amounts ranging from $2500 to $4500 apiece. “The great thing about my bill is that for a cost of less than $400 billion over a ten year period we will completely eliminate these climate damaging machines,” the Senator boasted. “Hopefully, vehicle owners will voluntarily turn over their gas-guzzling, environment-destroying cars and trucks in exchange for these payments. That would be the sensible thing to do since gas stations will be abolished rendering unsurrendered vehicles obsolete. Obstinate owners would then be assessed a disposal fee to cover the government’s cost of recycling the materials of which the outlawed vehicles are constructed. It will be a win-win scenario for every American.”

Ironically, the highly touted electric vehicles Schumer’s bill would mandate are projected to have a larger negative impact on the environment when all factors are accounted for than the hated gasoline fueled vehicles he wants phased out.

Schiff Defends Restrictions on GOP Access to Documents

House Intelligence Committee Chairman Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) defended the restrictions he has decreed for Republican members of Congress who want to review the transcripts of the secret testimony his impeachment hearings are compiling. Under his rules there is only a single copy of the transcripts that is kept in a locked room under the constant guard of Democratic staff. Republicans wanting to see the transcripts cannot take notes and must agree to be strip searched before they are allowed to leave the room.

“Back in 2003 an individual stole and destroyed some classified documents from our National Archives,” Schiff recalled. “To prevent this type of illicit theft of government documents of vital importance to our inquiry we must take every reasonable precaution. Inasmuch as many Republicans are on record denouncing our investigation, the threat that they would similarly steal and destroy the evidence we are accumulating is palpable. If Republicans don’t like the limits I have placed on them they could do what every genuine American patriot is now doing—wait for me to reveal the evidence of Trump’s high crimes to the general public. When the time is right they’ll see all that needs to be seen on CNN.”

The 2003 theft mentioned by Schiff was carried out by Sandy Berger, former President Clinton’s National Security Advisor. Berger told a friend that he took five documents out of the Archives stuffed inside his underwear. These classified documents covering the Clinton Administration’s mishandling of terrorist threats were never recovered. Berger was allowed to plead to misdemeanor unauthorized removal of the documents and was fined $50,000, sentenced to serve two years of probation and 100 hours of community service, and stripped of his security clearance for three years. The sentencing judge explained the light penalty, saying “I didn’t want this poor fellow to end up on the list of mysterious deaths that seem to have befallen the friends and associates of the Clintons over the years.”

In related news, a group of Republicans who tried to sit in the gallery to observe the testimony being given at Schiff’s closed door hearings were declared “boring, nerdy-looking white guys” by MSNBC’s Donny Deutsch. “They fancy themselves as fighters for citizens’ constitutional rights, but they didn’t break anything. Neither did they hit or even threaten anyone. All they did was order pizzas to be delivered. At least we have Antifa on our side. They aren’t squeamish about really fighting for what we believe in. I’m glad that the Republicans showed the world what wimps they are in comparison.”

Harris Unsure If Trump Has Broken Any Laws

Former prosecutor and current contender for the Democratic presidential nomination Sen. Kamala Harris (Calif), who claims that “Trump has already confessed,” was unable to specify what laws he has violated when asked by CNN’s Anderson Cooper.

“I don’t need to know the law to know who’s a criminal,” Harris elaborated. “My experience as a prosecutor allows me to unconsciously sense such things. Some people are just bad. Whether there’s a specific statute defining a crime isn’t as important as taking bad people off the streets.”

To help bolster her case against Trump, the senator pointed to a new British initiative she thinks provides validation for her “common sense approach. They’ve got a program that says hateful behavior, even if it isn’t a crime should be punished. Some people are so bad that you shouldn’t even need evidence to know that they ought to be punished. Anyone paying attention to the news since Trump was elected know he is one of the worst people in the world. He needs to be neutralized by any means possible.”

To show that she is more than just talk, Harris pulled out of a South Carolina criminal justice forum because the organizers gave President Trump a “Bipartisan Justice Award.” “While my competitors for the 2020 presidential nomination are nattering about who can grab guns the fastest, abort babies the latest, and most thoroughly convert capitalism into socialism, I am striking a tangible blow against the Trump tyranny,” she bragged.

Romney Explains Pierre Delecto

This week it was revealed that Sen. Mitt Romney (R-Utah) has been tweeting under the name Pierre Delecto since 2011. The gist of most of the tweets was pointing out “what a swell fellow this Mitt Romney guy is crossing party lines to stand with defenders of democracy like Schiff and Nadler to take down the tyrant Trump.”

The senator alleges that “modesty was my motivation. If I had tweeted these things under my own name I would have appeared to be boastful. By using a pseudonym the compliments could be perceived as more honest and genuine. And who wouldn’t be impressed by remarks from a guy whose screen name translates as ‘Delightful Peter.’”

Mitt’s explanation has worsened his public persona. Instead of just being an unsuccessful candidate for president, he has etched his reputation as an immodest, dishonest, and cowardly self-promoter into the minds of decent folks everywhere.

Gov Vows to Block “Heartbeat” Bill

Pennsylvania Gov. Tom Wolf (D) warned the GOP-dominated legislature to not waste time passing a bill to ban abortions after the baby’s heartbeat can be detected. “I will veto whatever bill they pass,” Wolf promised. “Some women don’t want to be mothers. They shouldn’t be forced to become mothers in order to fulfill somebody else’s moral values.”

Rep. Stephanie Borowicz (R-McElhattan), sponsor of the bill was distressed that “the governor has rejected any and all limitations on the cruel practice of killing innocent babies. Isn’t ‘life’ one of the inalienable rights that our country was founded to protect? Women determined to abort their babies can cross the border into New York where the law permits abortion even after birth. But Pennsylvania should be a place where babies are safe.”

Wolf characterized the trek to another state to get an abortion as “inhumane. A woman should enjoy the right to terminate an unwanted child in the comfort of her home state. Those who would abridge this right condemn innocent women to the involuntary servitude of having to rear a person superfluous to her chosen lifestyle.”

Trump Admin Looking at Motel 6 for G-7 Summit

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

A leak from inside the White House indicates that the Trump Administration is considering holding next June’s G-7 Summit at a Motel 6 in Newark, New Jersey. The leak alleges that President Trump expressed dissatisfaction with the demands for what he termed “posh accommodations at our expense. Since most of the European elites expected to attend don’t keep up with their NATO obligations to contribute to their own national defense why should we be lavish in hosting their junket to America?”

Motel 6 spokesman Tom Bodett characterized the Trump proposal “a fit example of American practicality. The G-7 attendees are all grown men and women. Surely they can cope with the no frills, low cost option we offer to weary travelers. Our motels don’t have grand ballrooms, but our smaller meeting rooms can handle the necessary participants representing the seven countries.”

In contrast, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) denounced this rumored move as “an insult to our long-term allies,” calling it “completely out of the question. We’re not talking about putting up the sort of deplorables who voted for Trump. We’re talking about the world’s best and brightest, the people who govern the masses. These leaders need to receive the same type of accommodations that have been customary for persons of their social ranking since the days of the Roman Empire. Clearly, this is yet another demonstration of Trump’s lack of fitness for the office. It is another impeachable offense committed in full view of the voters.”

Beto Cites Waco Operation as Model for Gun Seizures

Democratic presidential candidate former Texas Rep. Beto O’Rourke pushed back against criticism that his gun confiscation plan is unrealistic by citing “the successful 1993 action against gun scofflaws in Waco taken by the Clinton Administration. Here we had a cult armed to the teeth. Attorney General Janet Reno didn’t hesitate to use force to achieve the disarmament of these dangerous misfits. All I’m proposing is that we use the same courageous proactive approach toward today’s anti-government traitors and terrorists.”

“I am pleased to see that Democrats in the House are advancing a bill that would authorize the disarming of any person deemed a danger to society,” the Candidate added. The bill—The Extreme Risk Protection Order Act of 2019—introduced by Rep. Salud Carbajal (D-Calif) would authorized law enforcement to seize firearms from persons identified as dangerous by another person or persons who feel threatened.

Strangely, Democrats rejected a proposed amendment from Republicans that would’ve added criminal gang members as prospective persons to be disarmed. Rep. Ken Buck (R-Colo) pointed out that “the majority of violent crime, including gun violence, in the United States is linked to gangs.” Carbajal defended rejection of the GOP amendment, explaining that “gang members live outside the law. They can’t rely on police to protect them. They need access to guns for their own safety. The people we are most concerned with are those normally considered law-abiding, but perceived as dangerous by other law-abiding persons such as family members, spouses, neighbors, and co-workers. These people don’t need to own guns. They can call on the police for protection if they are threatened or attacked by criminals.”

Clinton Smears Democrat Presidential Contender

As part of her continuing effort to convince everyone she is a loon, former Secretary of State and failed presidential candidate Hillary Clinton charged that current contender for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination Hawaii Rep. Tulsi Gabbard “is a Russian agent.” Clinton’s remarks came during her interview on former President Obama aide David Plouffe’s “Campaign HQ” podcast.

Clinton cited Gabbard’s behavior at the debates as evidence for her charge. “If you listen carefully you will see that she repeatedly criticizes some of the other contenders. She calls their ideas impractical. Accuses them of hypocrisy or dishonesty. This kind of internal disagreement only benefits Trump and the Republicans.”

“In 2016, I was fortunate enough that with the help of the Democratic National Committee I was able to rebuff Bernie’s attempt to steal the nomination from me by deluding many primary voters to cast their ballots for him,” Clinton admitted. “What I couldn’t overcome was the ‘stab in the back’ from Jill Stein, who was also a Russian agent, and the collusion between Trump and Putin to suppress the votes of recent immigrants to America.”

“I’m confident that the DNC will be able to exclude Gabbard from future debates and that Congress will impeach and remove Trump from office,” the former Secretary said. “This will clear the way for voters to reverse the most terrible injustice ever inflicted on anyone by electing me, the most qualified person to ever run for the office, the next president of the United States in November of 2020.”

Schiff Impeachment Probe Bogs Down

House Intelligence Committee Chairman Rep. Adam Schiff’s closed door impeachment hearings are not moving along as he has envisioned they would. According to inside sources, witnesses that Schiff is convinced have damaging evidence against President Trump are resisting Schiff’s efforts to put words into their mouths.

Deputy Assistant Secretary of State George Kent reputedly told the Committee that he had qualms about Joe Biden’s son Hunter’s role on the board of the Ukrainian energy company Burisma Holdings back in 2015, but was rebuffed by the staff of the Vice-President citing “President Obama’s full approval for the actions taken to oust the Ukrainian prosecutor looking into the matter.”

“Well, wouldn’t President Obama’s full approval effectively debunk any allegation of wronging by the Bidens?” Schiff is said to have asked Kent. Kent’s reported reply that “even if the Bidens’ activities had the backing of the President that wouldn’t debunk anything. There certainly was the appearance of impropriety. Debunking would, in my opinion, require something more concrete than a claim that higher authority was supposedly on-board with the Bidens.”

Schiff is said to be frustrated that “our witnesses are making things harder than they need to be. I keep trying to tell them that there is no one who can contradict whatever they testify to. The simplest option for them is to tell us what we want to hear.”

Schiff has also vociferously and publicly defended the secrecy of his undertaking, calling it “essential that we retain the element of surprise to prevent Trump from concocting a plausible-sounding defense of his actions. Thankfully, the impeachment process bypasses the Constitution’s guarantee that the accused has the right to confront his accusers and see the evidence of the crimes of which he is accused.”

For his part, Trump tweeted that “even the infamous Salem witch trials allowed the accused to confront their accusers. What Schiff, Pelosi and the Democrats are doing is a disgrace.”

Majority of Voters Disagree with Warren

A key plank in Democratic presidential contender Massachusetts Sen. Elizabeth Warren’s platform is that “the economy is not working for average Americans.” In a poll conducted by Marist, more than 60% of the voters questioned said the economy is working for them. Of the subgroups surveyed, 67% of college graduates, 64% of those without a degree, 68% of whites, 61% of non-whites, 63% of generation Z, 69% of generation X, 63% of baby boomers, 69% of the greatest generation, 69% of the silent generation, 60% of those in the west, 65% of those in the east, 67% of those in the mid-west, 68% of those in the south, 63% of city dwellers, 64% of those in small towns, 66% of those in rural areas, and 72% of suburban inhabitants all agree the economy is working for them.

Warren professed herself as unfazed by these findings, saying “I will get the votes of the 59% of progressives, 55% of Democratic women, and 55% of those who are liberal that agree with me that the economy is not working for them.” Warren also pointed to the explosive growth of the homeless sector as “a sign that things are trending in my favor. We estimate that virtually 100% of these unfortunates will cast their ballots for me, as will the vast majority of immigrants, prison inmates, and urban gangsters. These are revolutionary times we are living in. The comfortable bourgeoisie are no match for the mobilized proletariat that will overthrow capitalist oppression in this country.”

Recent Census Bureau data on the incomes of America’s middle class show there is solid evidence for people feeling good about the Trump economy. Since he took office in January 2017 the median-income family has seen a gain of $5,003 in annual earnings. The gain during the eight years of the Obama Administration was only $1,043. It should be no surprise that voters put more trust in their paychecks than the socialist lies being purveyed by leading Democrats.

Bush Comes Out of Hibernation to Chastise Trump

After many years of silence since leaving office, former President George W. Bush sharply chastised President Trump’s Syrian troop withdrawal, claiming it “threatens to undo my signature achievement as president.”

Bush rejected Trump’s reasoning that the United States shouldn’t be engaged in endless wars to try to promote nation-building, by pointing out that “endless is an exaggeration. My wars only started in 2003. That’s just 16 years ago. If I recall correctly, Europe had a 100 years war spanning the 14th and 15th centuries. The cold war between us and the Soviet Union lasted four decades. And to hear Trump himself tell it, there’s been fighting in the Middle East for centuries. It is Trump’s belief that somehow we can get along without wars that is out-of-step with reality.”

Democratic presidential candidate South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg sided with Bush and insisted that “President Trump is taking away our troops’ honor. I didn’t think we should have gone to Iraq in the first place. I think we need to get out of Afghanistan. But Trump’s hasty withdrawal of the 28 soldiers stationed in Syria by President Obama in 2011 is a slap in the face to everyone who has ever worn the uniform. We are leaving thousands of our communist Kurd allies behind to fight against the hated Turks. I’m sure everyone of those soldiers feels shame and wishes he could see the battle out to the end.”

Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif) and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) attempted to distinguish between “the sensible placement of troops by President Obama with the reckless deployments of President Bush and Trump. Obama could be trusted to do whatever is good for everyone, but Bush was a bumbling fool and Trump is Putin’s mole inside the US government. Whatever Trump does is wrong and probably treasonous.”

Planned Parenthood Lawsuit Not Going Well

The lawsuit—Planned Parenthood v. The Center for Medical Progress (CMP)–for “wrongfully making public proprietary trade secrets” is further exposing the many heinous practices involved in the organization’s profiteering from the sale of body parts of the victims of abortions in their facilities.

A video clip of Dr. Deborah Nucatola, a former Planned Parenthood Federation of America’s senior director of medical services, describing how she “would delicately crush above and below the baby’s thorax in order to preserve intact internal organs and assure maximum prices for the merchandise” was allowed in evidence over the objections of the organization’s attorney Sharon Mayo that “the details of the extraction method is a trade secret” and that “allowing it at the trial could result in irreparable harm to Planned Parenthood’s future financial viability. The widespread revulsion likely to be induced in persons unqualified to judge these highly technical medical procedures could encourage the passage of laws limiting or banning the use of these procedures or even the frequency with which abortions are requested by patients.”

Former Planned Parenthood abortionist Mary Gatter testified that “the ’tissue samples’ we prefer to call the abortion remains are baby parts. ‘Tissue samples’ doesn’t sound as repugnant as baby parts. Look, my job was to market the leftovers from the late abortion procedures. Anything we can do to make sure buyers aren’t revolted by what we’re actually selling helps smooth the transaction and keep the money flowing.” Gatter also acknowledged saying “I want a Lamborgini. I figured if the potential buyers knew I had high aspirations and expenses they would be willing to pay a higher price for what I was trying to sell.”

Mayo asserted that “the entirely legal business of terminating unwanted babies has been severely damaged by the illegal actions of CMP. Tens of millions of dollars in profits have already been lost. Justice requires that those who caused these losses compensate my clients. Whether CMP has sufficient resources to pay what Planned Parenthood demands remains to be seen. At the very least the total financial ruin of CMP and everyone associated with it could serve as a stern warning to others that continue to harass abortion providers across the country.”

In related news, support for unrestricted abortion funded by tax dollars was unanimous at the latest debate among the 12 invited Democratic presidential contenders in Ohio. New Jersey Sen. Cory Booker got a chorus of “amens” from his rivals when he reminded everyone of “the tragic increase in Planned Parenthood facilities closing and the existential threat this poses to life as we know it in this country.”

Prof Blames Trump for Black Obesity

Rutgers University women’s and gender studies professor Brittney Cooper says “Trump’s policies are responsible for black women being obese.” Cooper, who is black and grossly overweight herself, contends that “Trump’s every man for himself approach is the problem. The rampant prosperity stemming from his tax cuts and deregulation makes food inexpensive and readily available. For those of us with no self-discipline it’s a recipe for disaster.”

Cooper maintains that “the policies of Sanders or Warren would be much healthier for us. The costs would go up and there would be more scarcity. Sanders has even explicitly praised the idea of making people wait in lines to get food. More of our time would be consumed trying to obtain food, leaving less time to eat it. This externally applied discipline would save fatties from their own bad choices and lead to a greater collective well being for all.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

NBA Distances Itself from Hong Kong Protesters

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

This week, the National Basketball Association (NBA) took steps to try to distance itself from a tweet by the Houston Rockets’ general manager Daryl Morey. In his tweet, Morey urged “Fight for Freedom. Stand with Hong Kong.”

NBA Commissioner Adam Silver publicly apologized for the “insensitive remarks made by Mr. Morey. We understand that members of our organization are entitled to their political opinions. We have stood behind teams’ refusals to visit the White House while Trump is president. We sympathize with players who are insulted by the racism of the National Anthem. However, the financial consequences of disrespecting the government of China are substantial and we will do whatever that government requires to atone for the offense created by Mr. Morey’s tweet.”

The initial acts of atonement so far have included an apology from Morey and the deletion of his tweet, an enforced “gag rule” forbidding players and managers from expressing any opinions regarding the Chinese Government’s oppression of pro-democracy protesters in Hong Kong, and efforts to refocus attention on “the despicable history of the United States.”

An opening salvo of the “refocus” effort came from the mouth of Golden State Warriors Coach Steve Kerr. The Coach said he was “proud to boycott the invitations from Trump for my team to visit the White House for a celebration of our championships. We cannot allow this tyrant to ride the coattails of our greatness. Especially considering all the human rights abuses committed by Donald Trump and his minions since he stole the presidency from Hillary Clinton.”

Kerr rebuffed queries from the media regarding China’s concentration camps for dissenters, saying “it would be unfair for me to comment without being fully informed. I hear people say that millions have died under the policies of Mao, but I have no personal knowledge of these claimed atrocities. On the other hand, the Chinese Government has freely allowed their citizens to play and watch basketball. These positive developments should not be endangered by errant comments.”

“Even worse, the recent action of the Trump Administration making the freedom of two million persecuted Muslims a condition for improved economic trade with China unnecessarily complicates the better business relationship the NBA is trying to accomplish,” Kerr added. “To me, Trump is clearly the bigger threat to a better world.”

In related news, the NBA’s Portland Trail Blazers announced they are terminating a commercial partnership with Leupold—a manufacturer of a variety of scopes, binoculars and rangefinders—because the company also sells its products to the Israeli Defense Forces. Omar Streicher, spokesman for team, said “when it was brought to our attention that rifle scopes manufactured by Leupold were aiding the illegal occupation of Palestine by Israel, severing the partnership became a ‘no brainer.’”

Biden Says Study Vindicates His Ukraine Extortion

A study conducted by OpenTheBooks.com showed that the practice of politicians trading favors for cash is common. The case study involved eight members of Congress: Republicans Tom Cole, Kristi Noem, Erik Paulsen, and Cathy McMorris Rodgers and Democrats John B. Larsen, Jim Cooper, Debbie Dingell, and Brenda Lawrence.

The study found a repeated pattern in which members of Congress own investment stock in, are employed by, and receive retirement pensions from federal contractors to whom billions of taxpayer dollars flow. Members sponsor or oppose legislation that affects these contractors. Then, the contractor’s lobbyists advocate for or against the legislation to help the contractor. Oftentimes, the contractor’s lobbyist also donates campaign cash to the member.

Perhaps the most shocking aspect of this abuse of office is that it is not illegal. It is this last finding that former Vice-President Joe Biden heralded as “proof that I’ve done nothing wrong. The travesty is that the salaries allotted to those of us in government are abysmally low. Corporate executives are paid millions to run private businesses. We ought to be similarly paid, but could never garner much support for higher salaries. Allowing ourselves to make money on the side has been the way to right this injustice. Using my influence in Ukraine to help my son doesn’t make me a crook. It makes me a good dad.”

In related news, Biden slammed the New York Times for running an op ed by Peter Schweizer, author of Clinton Cash. “Here is a guy trying to profit by attacking the legal influence peddling of great Americans like the former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and me, the former Vice-President of President Barack Obama. We’re at war for the soul of this country. The Times shouldn’t be giving aid and comfort to our enemies. They need to stay in the ranks and use the power they have to help us win back the White House and Congress.”

California Enacts Anti-Voter Suppression Law

Governor Gavin Newsom has signed a new law that will allow voters to register on election day at any polling place in the state. According to the Governor, “this will overcome some serious deficiencies that previously held the number of ballots cast below what could’ve been achieved.”

Among the deficiencies cited by the Governor were “the disenfranchisement of procrastinators. Why should people who can’t plan ahead be barred from voting? Under this law, anyone can wait until the final hour and still be allowed to vote. Another defect of previous law was its failure to adequately allow for enthusiastic voters to have a say as great as their passion. Under the new law, a person with the dedication and energy would be allowed to register and vote at as many polling locations he or she could reach during the 30 day period in which votes are allowed to be cast. Why shouldn’t people who feel strongly be accorded a greater weight in the decision than those who are just going through the motions to cast a single ballot each election cycle?”

Former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger exuded enthusiasm for the new rules, saying “I will cast as many votes as I can for Sen. Warren. Her vision for the future of America is how we keep America number one.”

LGBTQ Town Hall Brings Out Worst in Dem Candidates

This week at CNN’s “Equality Town Hall” inspired several of the Democratic Party’s 2020 presidential contenders to advocate some bad ideas.

Former Texas Rep. Beto O’Rourke vowed to “strip tax-exempt status from any religious organization that refuses to recognize gay marriage. In fact, this will be one of my top priorities as president. The Supreme Court has ruled that same-sex marriage is just as valid as a traditional marriage between a man and a woman. No one has a constitutional right to oppose this. Any who do must be punished. Imposing taxes on churches and siccing the IRS after them would be the most merciful tool for achieving compliance. You know, we could learn a thing or two from how China handles religious deviations from its policies. In China, churches must get government approval before anyone can be a priest or minister. This strikes me as the ultimate safeguard for ensuring obedience to the government’s wishes. Maybe we should make this a requirement in our country.”

Former Vice-President Joe Biden averred that “same-sex marriage is the perfect remedy for alleviating the health threat posed by gay bathhouses. Before gay marriages were the law of the land, gay men were forced to look for love with anonymous strangers in round-the-clock sex orgies at these bathhouses. Now they can practice safe sex with a committed long term partner. I’d call that a major step forward toward a healthier America.”

Massachusetts Sen. Elizabeth Warren acknowledged “the solid reasoning of my colleagues,” but chided them for “overlooking the need to broaden our concept of marriage to cover the 30+ different genders that have recently been discovered. Every person has the right to be any sex he or she wants and to marry any other person of any gender. We will need to craft laws to deal with all the potential combinations. Even if we restrict marriage to two individuals there are nearly 1,000 possible types of marriage that will need to be codified. However, I wonder if such a restriction might be too narrow-minded. Who says a marriage has to be between only two people?”

The Senator also took the occasion to announce that “prison inmates are entitled to gender reassignment surgery.” This position contradicts her 2012 opposition to using taxpayer money to fund such surgeries. “I was wrong then,” she admitted. “My error can be blamed on the false premise that there can be any money that is not rightfully the property of the government. I was mindlessly thinking ‘why should taxpayers foot this bill.’ I now know that the correct way of thinking is that any money not taken from taxpayers is a gift from the government. No one is entitled to expect a gift. It is the government’s right and duty to use whatever funds are necessary to heal these suffering individuals. Reshaping their genitals is a small down payment on what society owes them.”

To help her with issues like these, Warren promised to consult with nine-year-old transgender Jacob Lemay. “An individual to be so wise at such a young age and brave enough to take action to escape the erroneous body he was born with is the kind of adviser every president needs to forge the transformation our country needs,” the Senator maintained. “For more than 200 years presidents have sought out old white men for these crucial roles. I intend to break away from that stilted practice and get ideas and inspiration from those unconstrained by the out-dated reality of the past.”

In related news, Warren promised to give “back pay” to illegal aliens. She brushed off criticism that “this, like my other plans is ‘communistic,” by reminding these critics that “they are neglecting to admit that under communism in Russia and China no student has to pay for college, no one has to pay for health care, the government provides adequate housing for everyone, and people cheerfully line up to buy the low-cost food the state supplies to all.”

Anti-Trump Conspirator Admits Steele Dossier “Had Flaws”

Fired former FBI deputy director Andrew McCabe admitted to former Watergate reporter Carl Bernstein that “the dossier compiled by Steele had its flaws. Steele warned us that he couldn’t verify its contents and that we should not take it as ‘gospel.’ But President Obama was pressing us on the need to prevent Donald Trump from becoming the next president. Under these circumstances I think people will understand that a rigid adherence to the law would not have allowed us to do as he asked.”

“By nature, much of the information spies like Steele obtain is hearsay, innuendo, and inference,” McCabe explained. “But if that’s all you have there’s no alternative but to go forward and hope for the best. Did we make mistakes? Of course. In hindsight, perhaps swearing under oath to the FISA Court that the dossier was verified might have been a mistake seeing that our expectation we would be successful in throwing the election to Secretary Clinton didn’t pan out.”

“What I offer in my own defense, and that of the numerous intelligence community members who participated in the mission, is that taking extreme risk, breaking laws, and neutralizing enemies by any means possible has been the essence of the intelligence community’s work going back at least to the foundation of the CIA. We do the dirty work required to protect this nation from threats to our way of life. Trump posed such a threat and President Obama’s endorsement of the measures we carried out gave all of us the impetus to try to save America from a dire fate. My greatest regret is that we have, so far, failed in that endeavor.”

In related news, CNN contributor Wajahat Ali reports that “the FBI now considers conspiracies theories, such as that there is a deep state plot to drive Trump out of office, to be a domestic terror threat. This designation will allow the intelligence community to take the kind of severe measures needed to protect against this threat. This includes surveillance, infiltration, propaganda, and the type of executive action deployed against President Kennedy when he posed a similar threat as perceived by the CIA.”

Minneapolis Mayor Removes Porta-Potties Outside Trump Rally

Frustrated that he was unable to prevent President Trump from holding a campaign rally in Minneapolis, Mayor Jacob Frey took action to bar porta-potties from being set up outside the arena for use by the overflow crowd or those there to demonstrate against Trump.

“The provision of portable toilets is the very definition of treason in the US Constitution,” Frey contended. “And I quote…Treason against the United States, shall consist of giving enemies aid and comfort. The whole purpose of these facilities is to give aid and comfort. In fact, they are also known as ‘comfort stations.’ Since Trump and his supporters are enemies of our democracy any step that would discomfort them seems to me to be both inherently justified and required.”

Asked about the discomfort inflicted on the anti-Trump demonstrators, Grey expressed regret, but pointed out that “in war there sometimes is collateral damage. I think our Anti-Fa friends understand this and will, in revolutionary fashion, relieve themselves on the streets as are our fellow revolutionaries in San Francisco and Los Angeles. So, we’re confident that most of the suffering will occur in the ranks of the deplorables.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Dems Assail Scrutiny of Their Business Dealings

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Revelations that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s son, like former Vice-President Joe Biden’s son, had a cozy deal with a Ukrainian oil company bolstered her determination to press ahead with impeachment of President Trump. “There is a clear pattern of abuse of power here,” the Speaker alleged. “As President Trump knows, the compensation paid to members of Congress is far below adequate for their station in life. Yet, he viciously attacks the time-honored means that every other administration has accepted to overcome this inequity.”

“Trump has billions of dollars with which to support the members of his family—giving cushy jobs to his two moron sons,” Pelosi contended. “Those of us who are less privileged have, as members of Congress have historically done, pulled a few strings to try to help our sons to enjoy a better life. To imply that these actions are scandalous goes outside the bounds of normal practice. It could not be clearer that the removal of Trump from power is imperative.”

House Judiciary Committee Chairman Jerry Nadler (D-NY) chimed in to point out that “it’s not only our children who are being threatened by Trump. The minimal kickbacks I’ve been receiving from the music industry have also been unfairly criticized. For anyone to suggest that my actions toward this industry might in any way be influenced by the small campaign donations I have received or the parties that I have thrown using some of this money unfairly implies that I am corrupt. These are normal transactions for a person in my position.”

Sanders Refutes GOP Claim on Medicare-for-All

Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Bernie Sanders’ recent trip to the hospital for urgent medical care inspired Republican critics of his Medicare-for-All plan to point out that the normal waiting periods for receiving care under socialized medicine are typically weeks or even months and, in some cases are denied for a person as old (78) as Sanders is. In the British system, the median time from assessment to treatment is 55 days. In Canada the waiting time averages 11 weeks.

The senator called the GOP claim “misleading. While the average person might, in fact, have to endure such waits, my plan makes explicit exceptions for important people. Under democratic socialism, government leaders are vital cogs in running the country. As such, they will have line-cutting privileges that ensure they get the best treatment expeditiously. We can’t afford to have high-ranking members of the ruling body fall victim to the queuing procedures that apply to the masses.”

Schiff Refuses to Release Transcript of Testimony

After predicting that the closed-door testimony of former U.S. envoy to Ukraine Kurt Volker before the House Intelligence Committee would “prove President Trump has committed high crimes” Chairman Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) has, so far, released only selected excerpts of this testimony.

Republican members of the Committee are clamoring for the release of the full transcript. Rep. Mark Meadows (R-NC) said “there’s a reason why Adam Schiff released cherry-picked text messages and not the transcript of the Volker interview. It’s because the actual interview directly undermined Democrats’ impeachment effort.” Rep. Jim Jordan (R-Ohio) asserted that “When the American people get to read the transcript of Ambassador Volker’s testimony, they will see that everyone involved in the Trump Administration and Ukrainian government was working both for America’s interests and for the success and security of Ukraine.”

So far, Schiff has rebuffed GOP calls for full transparency, citing “the special rules Speaker Pelosi has set for these impeachment hearings. These rules bar Republicans from asking any questions or calling any of their own witnesses. I have been granted full power to determine what will or won’t be released to the public and how it will be edited. We have no obligation to follow Trump’s example of releasing a transcript of his phone call with Ukrainian President Zelensky.”

In related news, it has also been disclosed that Joseph Cofer Black, a former political adviser to Sen. Mitt Romney, was a member of the same board of directors for the Ukrainian company Burisma that Hunter Biden was. Romney has been a prominent critic of Trump’s attempt to probe corruption in Ukraine and has taken the stance that the phone call was “wrong and appalling” and offered to “heed the Party’s call and accept the GOP presidential nomination for 2020 after Trump is impeached and removed from office. I am well-respected in Washington and offer the steady hand needed to assure the continuity of policy that has garnered support on both sides of the aisle in DC.”

Beto Offended by Buttigieg Position on Guns

Speaking at Kent State University—site of where US troops fired on antiwar protesters in 1970, killing four of them—Democratic presidential candidate and former Texas Rep. Beto O’Rourke expressed his “profound disappointment with Mayor Pete’s refusal to back my plan to confiscate AR-15s and similar military-style weapons from private owners. This is tantamount to supporting citizens having the means to resist government intrusions on liberties that these citizens neither need nor deserve in our modern society. At this point in our history we must accept that only the government can be trusted to use firearms appropriately.”

Mayor Buttigieg objected to O’Rourke’s “mischaracterization of my views. I don’t disagree that private citizens ought not to have weapons, but I think his stark proposal is like the proverbial ‘kicking a sleeping dog.’ We need to be more subtle in our pursuit of disarmament of the general population. I favor more of a ‘boiling the frog’ approach where we slowly ratchet up the restrictions until the burdens of gun ownership are so onerous that people will voluntarily give up on the idea of bearing arms.”

Clinton Weighs Suit Against China

The recent use of the term “basket of deplorables” by China’s state-run Global Times has spurred former unsuccessful presidential candidate Hillary Clinton to consider suing for “theft of intellectual property. I coined that phrase to describe the lowlifes who supported my opponent in the 2016 election. It is outrageous that it would be re-used without paying me royalties.”

Observers have expressed skepticism that any prospective lawsuit could be successful. CNN’s Chris Cuomo cited China’s “blatant disregard for intellectual property rights as one indicator of the improbable odds for getting a reasonable response on Sec. Clinton’s complaint. I also can’t help wondering if a Regime willing to use violence to suppress pro-democracy protests in Hong Kong now and in Tiananmen Square 30 years ago would feel any compunction to honor her property rights.”

In related news, Democratic presidential candidate former Vice-President Joe Biden has filed paperwork to copyright the phrase “dregs of society” that he recently used to slander the 63 million voters who elected Donald Trump president in 2016. A spokesman for his campaign boasted that “this should warn off any imitators among the dwarfs who are contesting Joe’s right to continue the Obama legacy and provide a route to cash compensation should they try to appropriate his terminology.”

Candidate Says Spending Stats Support Transition to Socialism

The Bureau of Labor Statistics Consumer Expenditure Survey showing that Americans spent more on taxes in 2018 than on food, clothing and health care combined was hailed by Democratic presidential contender Massachusetts Sen. Elizabeth Warren as “proof that socialism works and that the transition to a centrally directed economy will be relatively painless.”

The combined payments the average American consumer unit made in 2018 for five categories of taxes—federal income taxes, Social Security taxes, state and local income taxes, property taxes; and other taxes was $18,617. In 2013, the average American consumer unit paid a combined $13,327 for the same five categories. This 40% tax hike in only five years was labeled “very encouraging” by the Senator.

“Republican arguments that voters can’t afford socialism or that they will fight to resist increasing levies on their income and wealth are rebutted by these data,” Warren declared. “The thing that spurred the American Revolution in 1776 was taxation without representation. Today, Americans are fully represented by the people they elect. These elected representatives are the ones who have imposed the taxes that the general public willingly pays because they have confidence that the government will wisely handle their money—shifting it from frivolous and selfish expenditures for private pleasure to urgently needed public uses like free college tuition and free health care for the millions of Latinos that are bravely crossing our southern border.”

Schumer to Trump: “Don’t Say I Didn’t Warn You”

The emergence of the latest CIA scheme to oust President Trump entailing the manipulation of “whistleblower” rules to allow “hearsay” allegations prompted Sen. Charles Schumer (D-NY) to remind Trump “I told you that these guys have six-ways from Sunday at getting back at you.”

“In a way, Trump is actually getting off easy,” Schumer contended. “When President Kennedy threatened to tear the CIA into a 1,000 pieces he ended up being murdered. If a president as beloved as JFK was could be killed, a vile creature like Trump should thank his luck that he is still alive. I don’t know how long he thinks his luck will hold, but everyday he is tempting fate. The prudent course would be for him to resign before something unfortunate happens to him.”

As a more merciful alternative, Rep. Maxine Waters called for Trump “to be imprisoned and placed in solitary confinement. His opposition to the efforts of the intelligence community to neutralize the mistaken election of this miscreant make him a clear and present danger to our democracy. We must not allow him to assert constitutional provisions guarding the rights of the accused to delay removing him from power. We must take corrective action before it is too late.”

Former Attorney General Eric Holder extended a general warning to current Attorney General William Barr urging him “to abandon his investigation into allegations of corruption involving the Obama Administration. All he’ll accomplish is to destroy his own reputation and foreclose any future he may have once things return to normal.”

DNC Wants Facebook to Censor Trump

The Democratic National Committee (DNC) has accused Facebook of allowing President Trump to “mislead the American people” and demanded that “action be taken to silence his propagation of lies.”

Facebook’s vice president of global affairs and communications, Nick Clegg, said that “it is our policy to treat speech from politicians as newsworthy content that should, as a general rule, be seen and heard. In open democracies, voters rightly believe that, as a general rule, they should be able to judge what politicians say themselves.”

However, DNC CEO Seema Nanda complained that “Facebook has the means to protect people from being exposed to the misinformation spewing from Trump and the responsibility to do so. They should do this voluntarily rather than wait for us to compel them to do the right thing under penalty of law.”

In related news, Democratic presidential candidate California Sen. Kamala Harris urged Twitter to ban Trump’s tweets. “Truth should not be impeded by the intrusion of this man’s twisted views,” Harris asserted. “There are plenty of respected reporters at CNN, MSNBC, ABC, etc. who can convey what’s really going on to the American voters. We shouldn’t have to tolerate Trump’s repeated efforts to muddle their message.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

NY Mayor Takes Hard Line on ‘Illegal Aliens’

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Now that he has dropped out of the race for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination, New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio is free to indulge in his favorite pastime—shafting the citizens and residents who fall under his governance. The newest bit of tyranny from the Mayor is the enactment of an ordinance that imposes hefty fines on anyone using the phrase “illegal alien” or the word “illegals.”

“We determined that our ongoing policy of shielding accused rapists and murderers from Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) agents is not enough to discourage attitudes of hostility toward individuals who have entered the country without complying with the red tape prescribed by federal statutes,” de Blasio said. “I decided we need to go the extra mile to persuade citizens and legal residents of our city to keep their hostile opinions to themselves.”

De Blasio contrasted that “this admittedly moderate and weak deterrent isn’t what Lenin did to crush counterrevolutionaries opposed to the transformation of Russia into a socialist state,” but justified it as “about as far as we can go for now. Once the Democratic Party has obtained full control of congress and the presidency a more rigorous effort to cleanse the entire nation of errant modes of thought can be implemented.”

Dem Calls Trump “Treason” Comment “Treasonous”

House Intelligence Committee Chairman Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) denounced President Trump’s suggestion that spying on him by the CIA might be treason. “We should thank our lucky stars that there are people within the federal government who are not intimidated by Trump’s election as president,” Schiff exclaimed. “The fearless heroes of the CIA and FBI who have diligently worked to undo the tragic results of the 2016 presidential election deserve our thanks and praise. Trump’s attempt to portray what they have done in a negative light is despicable.”

“Clearly, Trump’s request to Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky that his government look into a matter that occurred years ago between then Vice-President Biden and the previous Ukrainian administration is what is really treasonous,” Schiff argued. “Trump’s attempt to portray the leverage Vice-President Biden utilized to help out his son as a bad thing was an attack on family values. Joe Biden previously lost his eldest son, Beau, to brain cancer. His youngest son, Hunter, was facing a rocky future after being ousted from the US Navy for drug addiction. The millions in consultant fees that Joe helped him obtain from a Ukrainian company enabled Hunter to avoid becoming unemployed and saved the government the expense of having to pay unemployment benefits to Joe’s boy. Trump’s slander against Joe warrants his impeachment.”

The Congressman also espied “a double standard in Trump’s actions. Back in 2011 a ‘rookie’ reporter by the name of Chelsea Clinton snagged a $600,000 a year salary as an NBC ‘soft news’ specialist. Her salary was four to five times that of other NBC rookie reporters. Trump never challenged this. Everyone viewed it as payback for all the sacrifices her parents had made in their decades of public service. Well, Joe Biden has given America four decades of public service. We should be grateful that he took the initiative to arrange a payback for his lone surviving son. Trump’s hypocrisy in these two virtually identical instances is reprehensible.”

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton echoed Schiff’s charges saying “The president of the United States has betrayed our country. Joe Biden didn’t inherit a billion dollars. He, like Bill and I, had to claw his way to the top using every bit of the influence granted by the voters in our political system. This social mobility is crucial to our way of government. Trump’s assault on it undermines justice. We must act. He is a clear and present danger to the things that keep us strong and free. I pray that our guardians within the government will be able to save us from this danger.”

Former Massachusetts Gov. and current candidate for the Republican presidential nomination Bill Weld agreed with Schiff and Clinton, advising that “we stop tip-toeing around the issue. Trump’s phone call was treasonous. He ought to be executed.”

A contrasting view was offered by Ukrainian Prosecutor General of Ukraine Viktor Shokin. “I had been investigating numerous instances of potential corruption,” Shokin said. “The hiring of Hunter Biden—a man with no expertise in Ukrainian affairs or the energy business interests of Burisma—for essentially a ‘no show’ job raised my suspicions. The very public demand by Vice-President Biden, who apparently had the full support of President Obama, that my investigation be stopped or crucial financial aid to my country would be blocked was pure extortion. President Poroshenko met Biden’s demand by firing me. Biden’s later public boasting about how he got me fired confirms my suspicions about the corrupt nature of his son’s hiring by Burisma.”

Wall Street Warns Warren

Corporate Financiers and big business executives who normally donate to the Democratic Party have expressed uneasiness with the aggressively socialist policy prescriptions of the party’s 2020 presidential contenders. One frightened donor averred that “we can tolerate the Party’s longstanding practice of taking a piece of the action on programs that funnel money to our firms, but now it sounds like they want to carve us up like the proverbial golden goose. I don’t know how we can continue to fund candidates intent on punishing us.”

Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) professed herself “untroubled by talk of a corporate reluctance to donate to my campaign. We’re keeping meticulous records on who is with us and who is not. I mean to abolish capitalism to achieve social justice. Those who help me win the presidency will earn social credits that may come in handy when the demolition begins. It won’t save their unjustified wealth, but it may save their lives. Given the inevitability of our success, I think these guys will be smart enough to accept roles administering the government bureaus and departments that will be needed to run the economy, especially when the alternative will be to find themselves out on the street with no salable skills.”

Warren insisted that “my policies will be merciful. I will also cancel all city and state ordinances, laws, and regulations that bar people from living on the streets and in public parks. Displaced employees and business owners will be able to avail themselves of rent-free accommodations in any part of the United States. An added upside will be the significant reduction in the carbon footprint this lifestyle enables.”

The Senator also triumphantly cited a Cato Institute and YouGov report–“2019 Welfare, Work, and Wealth National Survey”–finding that 47 percent of Americans with strongly favorable views of socialism think “citizens taking violent action against the rich is sometimes acceptable” and that 36 percent of strong liberals and 35% of Americans under 30 agree. “These are the people who will spearhead the socialist revolution and carry me to victory in next year’s election,” she declared.

Dems Denounce GOP Efforts to “Red Flag” Gang Members

House Democrats bristled over efforts to apply so-called “red flag” laws as a means of disarming violent criminals. House Judiciary Chairman Nadler (D-NY) called the GOP effort “racist and inhumane. The kind of people they want to target live outside the law. These people need guns for their own protection and to earn a living. If you’re a gang member you can’t expect someone to give you money just because you ask. You have to have the ability to persuade that person to surrender his wallet, watch, or cell phone. Access to a firearm greatly improves the odds of successful persuasion.”

Nadler also accused Republicans of trying to divert attention from the fact that “a much larger number of guns are in the hands of non-gang members. The guns in the hands of criminals are a tiny fraction of the total compared to the fraction owned by the general population. The purpose of the ‘red flag’ law is to give ordinary people the option to have police disarm a suicidal relative or friend. Most people don’t know that the number of suicides are almost double the number of murders. We should be focusing on the larger threat to life and not be misled by GOP manufactured hysteria over the lesser evil.”

Sanders Calls for “National Wealth Registry”

Democratic presidential contender Sen. Bernie Sanders (Vt) called for a “National Wealth Registry” to be established as part of his plan to “eliminate billionaires in America. Just as a registry of gun owners is necessary if we hope to confiscate privately owned firearms, a list of who is wealthy must be established so we can transfer this undeserved money to the government for redistribution.”

A key part of Sanders’ plan includes a ban on taking funds out of the country. “We’re not saying that those targeted for expropriation can’t leave,” he said. “But their money has to stay here so the government can put it to better use than the capitalistic profiteering and selfish greed that have been the primary activities of these social parasites.”

The Senator expressed confidence that “the expertise of the IRS and comprehensive surveillance by the NSA will interdict schemes to try to sneak money across the border. We will redirect ICE from the task of keeping people out to keeping people in until they have surrendered all their assets. The walls wrongly built to prevent the needy from claiming their fair share of America’s wealth will help ensure that the rich cannot abscond with what doesn’t rightly belong to them.”

In related news, Sanders called a poll finding showing that 51% of young voters fear that humanity could be wiped out in 15 years “excessively negative. I have long held that humans are the biggest threat to the planet of any species. I have done my part by not fathering any children, that I know of. If everyone had been as insightful and unselfish as me we wouldn’t have to fear the extinction of humanity. We’d be well on our way toward achieving it.”

Canada Launches Nationwide Manhunt

The appearance of posters asking “what if Islam is not a religion of peace?” has inspired authorities to launch a nationwide search for the person who plastered these posters in a variety of prominent public places. The postings are considered especially insidious because “many are posted too high for offended parties to easily rip down.”

The Alberta Muslim Public Affairs Council is working with the Royal Canadian Mounted Police “to try to apprehend the miscreant or miscreants who have done this dastardly deed,” said programs director Trent Daley. “They’re playing with fire. Muslims are very sensitive to comments that cast aspersions on their faith. The Quran explicitly commands Muslims to attack unbelievers who insult Islam.”

Social activist Jim Gurnett asserted that “questioning the tenets of Islam is a manifestation of pure hate that must never be tolerated. Christianity and Judaism have a long tradition of theological debate and disputation that has blinded members of these faiths from seeing the irreversible damage that a similar approach would inflict on Islam. The charm of Muslims is their unquestioning belief in the Quran. Their happiness is dependent on their absence of doubt. Disturbing this is cruel.”

Strathcona County councillor Brian Botterill characterized the posted question as “racist” and urged “anyone spotting one of the posters to contact the appropriate authorities. I know that strictly speaking, Muslims are not a race, per se. Perhaps the more accurate term for the poster might be ‘anti-Muslim,’ but that doesn’t have the same emotional impact that the term ‘racist’ has. If we are going to maximize hostility toward the poster we should not shy away from using the most scurrilous language on account of a fastidious devotion to accuracy.”

Schumer Declares: Transcript of Ukraine Call “Not Enough”

Convinced that President Trump would never agree to release a transcript of his July phone call with Ukraine’s President Zelensky, Sen. Charles Schumer (D-NY) was forced to change course when an unredacted copy landed on his desk this week.

“This document does not contain the incriminating evidence we anticipated,” the Senator complained. “We are not assuaged. Let me remind everyone that President Trump is known to have made dozens of phone calls everyday. In order to put this one phone call in context we will need to see transcripts of all the calls he has made or received since his election. Only then will the pattern of his criminal and tyrannical abuse of office be exposed to the scrutiny of the American voters.”

Schumer rejected objections that his call for transcripts would impede future presidents’ ability to conduct confidential conversations with world leaders, saying that “my request is limited to only this president and, possibly, any future Republican president. Democratic presidents have demonstrated that they can be trusted to engage in secret conversations without endangering the country, the Constitution, or our laws. We had nothing to fear when Obama was president and will have nothing to fear when Warren, Sanders, Biden or whoever wins the office in November 2020.”

In related news, Rep. Adam Schiff claimed an “ability to read between the lines of the transcript” where he says he discovered the phrases “give him an offer he can’t refuse,” “ it was Barzini all along,” and “leave the gun, take the cannoli.” “We have a mob boss as our president,” Schiff shrieked. “We’ve got to take this guy out for the good of the country. It’s the only way to preserve our democracy.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Candidate Comes Out Against Meat and Autos

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

In a bid to outflank his Democratic presidential rivals, entrepreneur Andrew Yang vowed to “severely curtail the consumption of meat” and “do away with privately owned and operated automobiles.”

Yang contrasted “my honesty with the deceptive presentations of the other Democrats running for president. Their implication that all it will take to battle climate doom is to tax the rich and tout this as the height of virtue won’t cut it. There isn’t enough money in the hands of rich people to pay for the kind of gut-wrenching changes in behavior that are required. Ninety-nine percent of the population is not rich. These are the people who will have to make the necessary sacrifices if we hope to save the planet.”

The candidate’s “two-pronged approach would entail measures like higher taxes and strict regulations to price meat out of the budget for ordinary consumers and outlawing private citizens from owning automobiles. The ‘impossible burger’ invented by Burger King shows how those who crave the taste of meat can be satisfied with veggie patties. The emergence of driver-less vehicles shows how an ‘Uber-type’ fleet could serve all needs for individualized travel.”

Yang tried to reassure everyone that “important travel by important persons like government officers would, of course, be accommodated by having automobiles set aside for their exclusive use. Likewise, meat, while prohibitively expensive for most, would still be available for crucial occasions like state dinners with foreign dignitaries.”

GOP Candidate Seeks Votes of Fellow Pessimists

Former Rep. Joe Walsh (R-Ill) says he wants to give voters who, like himself, have given up on America a choice in the 2020 election. “The Republican Party has become unrecognizable to me since Donald Trump has become president,” Walsh complained. “He has turned the venerable party of convivial losers into bare-knuckle brawlers vying for control of the government against our estimable friends on the other side.”

Walsh says he is “particularly disturbed by the interruption of the transformation set in motion by former President Obama. Trump has unleashed an uncomfortable acceleration in economic growth that threatens to scramble social classes. Minorities that have been successfully controlled by economy-stagnating federal policies and sedating welfare benefits are being lured into degrading wage-slavery and the uppity attitudes that inevitably follow from self-sufficiency. I’m running to offer Republican voters a chance to veto this dangerous u-turn from the comfortable trajectory we were on a scant three years ago.”

Presidential Candidate Drops Out

New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio has dropped out of the race for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination, blaming “the ingratitude of Democratic voters for the unique perspectives I’ve brought to the campaign.”

Among the “unique” perspectives cited by the Mayor were “the overlooked progress I’ve made in converting New York into a model society. I’ve championed efforts to unlink compensation from work or achievement. My programs have gone a long way toward enhancing the habitat for urban vermin and allowed their populations to increase. San Francisco and Los Angeles have been garnering most of the headlines and few Democrats are aware of the leadership I’ve demonstrated in this area.”

De Blasio also blamed President Trump for “unfairly ignoring New York and hyping the west coast cities. Our taxes are at least as high. Our rats are among the biggest in the country. Mentally deranged humans roam freely throughout the streets. We have driven more capitalist exploiters out of the state than any other city in America. It is shameful that as a native New Yorker himself Trump has chosen to boost the accomplishments of California to our detriment.”

As if to rub it in, this week the Trump Administration filed a “Notice of Environment Violation” against San Francisco citing the runoff from human feces and used syringes deposited on the streets by the homeless. San Francisco Mayor London Breed called the move “an intrusion on our sovereign right to govern this city as we see fit. If voters become displeased with what we’re doing they can elect someone else.” The Trump Administration also rebuffed a Los Angeles appeal for federal aid to assist its homeless program, arguing that “it would be unfair to tax the whole nation for the expense of cleaning up a mess caused by poor local policies. Excreting bodily waste onto the streets is illegal. Taking dangerous drugs is illegal. Harassing passersby demanding handouts is illegal. If the City were to make a genuine effort to enforce the law and still needs federal assistance then we could talk.”

Buttigieg Tries to Appear More “Moderate”

Angling to position himself as a “moderate” in hopes of garnering the votes of Democrats alarmed by the continuing incoherence of doddering “moderate” former Vice-President Joe Biden, South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg took a swipe at rival candidate Sen. Elizabeth Warren’s “extremely evasive” stance on her Medicare for all health plan.

“Did you see her on the Colbert show?” the Mayor asked. “When a loyal progressive like Colbert is left mystified by how she plans to pay for this extravaganza everyone should be concerned. It’s looking more like her ‘plan for that’ meme is to promise the undeliverable and obscure the massive costs by simply ignoring them. At least Sen. Sanders admits that his virtually identical plan requires middle-class tax hikes.”

In a similar vein, Buttigieg sought to differentiate himself from LBTG extremists by alleging his “disgust with the flagrantly outrageous flaunting of stereotypical ‘gay’ lifestyles, garish costumes, and clownish antics. It smears us normal gays who want a more traditional life of marriage and children by implying that all gays are self-destructive social misfits.”

In related news, Buttigieg worried that “the most tragic outcome stemming from the discovery of more than 2,000 bodies of aborted babies found in the home of Dr. Ulrich Klopfer after his recent death would be for women to alter their decision to abort an unwanted child. In the big scheme of things, the idiosyncratic hoarding of fetal remains by Klopfer is a minor concern when juxtaposed to the tremendous health benefits of the procedure.”

Sanders Supports Asylum for Climate Refugees

Democratic presidential contender Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders says he is “positively disposed to accepting climate change refugees into this country. Many rich people have multiple residences in different parts of the United States or the world where they can go when the weather is bad. Poor people deserve this same option.”

Sanders suggested that “we create a line item in the federal budget to fund the transportation and lodging costs of anyone who wants to come to America because of the climate in their country of origin. It’s not fair that these people should be forced to endure uncomfortable living conditions just because they were unlucky enough to be born in a foreign land where air conditioning is unavailable or unaffordable. It is their human right to live where they please. It is our obligation to enforce this universal human right.”

To put your money where his mouth is, the Senator unveiled his $2.5 trillion “Housing for All” plan. “Responsible societies don’t let anyone suffer from lack of adequate housing,” he contended. “Governments have a solemn obligation to provide this necessity for everyone who can’t afford it.”

The enormous cost of his plan is due to Sanders’ insistence that “we need to go beyond the stark kinds of public housing we’ve been offering and give the poor the kinds of amenities that the middle class has—a nice house in a good neighborhood with good public schools and a low crime rate.” The prognosis for this plan is not favorable. Middle class neighborhoods are “good” because the inhabitants have to work hard to make them that way. With their own money on the line houses tend to be more well-maintained than the heavily subsidized housing government provides for persons unable or unwilling to work to sustain their cost of living. The absence of this incentive in the Sanders plan works against its intended beneficence.

Clinton Accuses Trump of Election Violation

Former Secretary of State and loser to Trump in the 2016 presidential election Hillary Clinton called reports that President Trump had spoken with a Ukrainian leader “collusion with a foreign power to help him win an election.” Her charge was sparked by an unconfirmed report that Trump has suggested that Ukraine “take a look at a boast by then Vice-President Joe Biden that his threat to cancel US aid to Ukraine persuaded that government to drop an investigation into a questionable business deal between Biden’s son and a Ukrainian company.

While it is plausible to posit that evidence of corruption involving Biden could help Trump in a future election in which the two were opposing candidates, it is also plausible to posit that potentially corrupt deals aided by overt extortion might be worthy of a more thorough examination. Nevertheless, an irate and vengeful Clinton demanded that Trump’s phone call be added to “the list of impeachable offenses being amassed by the House of Representatives.”

Clinton contrasted “Trump’s abuse of presidential authority” with her 2016 “campaign’s honest purchase of damaging intelligence” compiled by former British spy Christopher Steele. “We used contributions freely given by private individuals who supported my election. There was no misuse of government authority to try to sway an election. And even if there were, I didn’t win so I can’t be impeached. Besides, there is also the issue of double jeopardy. Since my husband was impeached and acquitted, under the law of community property if I ever become president I would be immune to impeachment.”

Trump Cash to Be Added to Impeachment Inquiry

A photo of President Trump boarding Air Force One with a wad of twenty-dollars bills in his back pocket has spurred new charges of impropriety on his part. House Judiciary Committee Chairman Jerry Nadler (D-NY) wondered “why would a president need to carry cash around? The standard practice for previous presidents was to order some nearby underling to pay for whatever he needs. Trump’s deviation raises serious questions about his fitness for the job.”

For his part, Trump claims that “the cash is for tips. When a working person does me a service I like to tip him. That’s what I’ve always done. I can’t imagine why a president should expect someone else to pay the tip or to not give one. Tips make up a significant part of the income for many jobs. I don’t think it’s right to stiff these people.”

Nadler wasn’t swayed by the president’s explanation, saying that “I could see carrying some singles or loose change if tipping were the real purpose. A twenty is too much. I wouldn’t rule out the possibility that Trump is attempting to buy the votes of these working people by feigning generosity with his own money. It’s the Democratic Party that champions the working man. Trump seems to be trespassing where he doesn’t belong.”

The Congressman also called the startling increases in employment achieved since Trump became president “suspicious. I think we can see a pattern here insidiously designed to overturn norms that have prevailed since the 1930s. This blatant attempt to alienate the affection of working people for the Democratic Party has ominous implications for the future of this country. We have an obligation to thoroughly investigate that to see if there is a political motivation behind it.”

In related news, an alternative to impeachment was envisioned by comedian Shane Gillis. Fresh off his ouster as a cast member of Saturday Night Live for the upcoming season, he told an audience foolish enough to pay good money to see his act that “of all the presidents I’ve been alive for, Trump would definitely be the funniest one to see get shot. He’d definitely make a funny noise when he got hit.” Gillis lamented that “I wasn’t alive when Reagan was shot, but I probably would’ve thought that was pretty funny too.”

Obama Mocks Trump’s TV Watching

Former president, and current Netflix TV show producer, Barack Obama mocked President Trump’s TV viewing habit, calling it “unpresidential and unnecessary. Presidents have a multitude of aides and advisers whose jobs are to keep him informed about all the important things going on. Trying to go it alone is wasted effort. He should just sit back and enjoy the perks. The government can pretty much run on its own without the president having to lift a finger.”

Obama also admitted that “I don’t watch TV. Most of it is crap. The so-called news shows are as phony as WWF wrestling. You know, everybody’s got their role to play. Only idiots would rely on TV to tell them what’s going on in the world. Apparently and sadly, Trump seems to be one of them.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Highlights of the September Dem Presidential Debate

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Further evidence that the roster of competitors for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination has no worthy candidates was exhibited as ten contenders offered their insane and tyrannical policy proposals in front of cheering Party faithful in Houston on Thursday.

So-called “moderate” former Vice-President Joe Biden asserted that “nobody should be in jail for a nonviolent crime. So some guy sneaks into your house and steals your stuff. Maybe he has a greater need for it than you do. Why should he go to prison for that? Chances are that most of these types of theft result in a more equal distribution of wealth. Isn’t that what all of us Democrats here tonight have been advocating? Granted, it would be more orderly for everyone to cooperate with our party’s plan to lawfully redistribute money, but we ought not punish those whose only fault is impatience.”

Former Texas Rep. Beto O’Rourke swears he will confiscate guns, saying “the current system where any law-abiding private citizen can own a firearm is f***ed up. So, Hell yes, I will end this travesty. The notion that citizens should have arms in order to deter the government from trampling their freedom is out-dated. Our government is a democracy. That means it represents the people. By definition, no action it takes after being voted into office can be tyrannical. Anyone who opposes government actions is a terrorist. Terrorists must be disarmed. If necessary, I will order US troops to go door-to-door to retrieve any guns not voluntarily surrendered. That is my pledge to the American people.”

Massachusetts Sen. Elizabeth Warren promised that “On my first day as president, I will sign an executive order that puts a total moratorium on all new fossil fuel leases for drilling offshore and on public lands. And I will ban fracking—everywhere. No business will be permitted to produce a product that consumers willingly buy if I determine that it is unnecessary. Historically, fossil fuels have led to too many bad habits. These include unnecessary travel that produces traffic jams and air pollution, excessive heating and cooling of buildings when simple reliance on appropriate garments would have sufficed, and lack of the kind of health benefits that daily exercise could have achieved if modern conveniences powered by electricity were unavailable.”

South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg asserted that “Trump’s attempts to limit immigration and build a wall to deter people from illegally entering the country are racist. Any voter who supports these policies is a racist. I agree with the Pope that every person in the world has a God-given right to emigrate to wherever he or she wants to live. We have no right to refuse to share the bounty that has been bestowed on us with anyone else who wants it. Most Americans have far more material possessions than they need or deserve. As the most devout Christian in this race, I am determined to see that these possessions are more equitably distributed to those in need.”

California Sen. Kamala Harris denounced local police, claiming that “they just harass people and take up space in poorer sections of our cities. I think we need to experiment with letting people in these neighborhoods police themselves. I’m confident that locals would arise and provide a kind of ‘street justice’ that would be more easily understood by the residents and enforced with less violence once the city police have been barred from these areas. The cumbersome process of arrest, trial, and incarceration would be displaced by a more efficient system.”

Former HUD Secretary Julian Castro accused Biden of being “a doddering fool” who is “incapable of completing a coherent thought without contradicting yourself halfway through your first sentence.” A gasp from the audience emboldened Biden to remark that “my mouth may run ahead of my brain sometimes, but at least I don’t have to stand on a box to try to convince myself that I’m big enough for the job of president.”

Meanwhile, excluded candidate Marianne Williamson inadvertently expressed her off-the-record mystification that “conservatives treat me nicer than the lefties do. My fellow Democrats are so mean.” After her observation was leaked to the media, Williamson was quick to absolve her fellow leftists by blaming “the negative aura that surrounds Trump for my bizarre earlier statement.” Despite this attempt to correct her thinking, it is not likely that she will be forgiven by her comrades in the Democratic Party.

California Set to Outlaw Independent Truckers

Democratic Gov. Gavin Newsom has said he will sign legislation that the California Trucking Association claims “will put tens of thousands of owner-operator truckers, who service agriculture, retail and other industry sectors, out of business.”

Newsom called owner-operated trucking “a no longer needed vestige of the past. I know that there is a certain kind of nostalgia for these modern day ‘cowboys’ driving goods around the state. But in the progressive future we envision for our state and the nation independent truckers are outside of the role required for a socially cooperative model of how the economy should operate. It should not be up to individual buyers and sellers to reach agreements on prices and routes for transporting commodities. Ideally, these determinations should be made by the government in order to ensure that resources are properly allocated to the most useful purposes.”

The governor tried to reassure independent truckers who have invested large sums to buy and operate their vehicles that “the government will purchase their trucks and hire the drivers to work as unionized employees. We will be converting them from being small-time capitalists into unionized members of a statewide drivers’ collective. They will be guaranteed fair wages and be relieved of the risks and uncertainties of independent operations.”

In other California news, Democrats in the California Senate gave party-line approval to a resolution demanding people of faith in the state change how they teach, preach, and counsel others related to LGBT identities and behaviors. Assemblyman Evan Low (D-San Jose), author of the resolution, argued that “our efforts to mold people’s minds to our way of thinking should not have to tolerate insidious and systemic contradictions from the pulpits of the state’s churches. Everyone needs to be on the same page if we are to overturn outmoded thinking about sex and gender.” Low admitted that “the current resolution doesn’t outlaw deviant preaching, per se. It is our hope that we can spark voluntary compliance and not have to go the route taken by the Chinese government to directly control religious doctrine via threat of punishment.”

GOP Pushes “Born Alive” Bill

After enduring more than 80 rejected requests for a hearing on their “Born-Alive Abortion Survivors Protection Act” bill, Republicans in the House of Representatives held their own “hearing” to call attention to their effort to pass this legislation. The legislation would require medical personnel engaged in performing abortions to render aid to any baby that survives the attempt to kill him or her.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) explained that “it is pointless for us to have hearings on a bill that will never be enacted. Our Democratic Caucus has already decided that once a woman has decided to abort her baby there should be no legal impediment to achieving the desired outcome. The fact that a small fraction of those targeted for termination accidentally escape the death that has been decreed for them doesn’t change the moral equation. No woman should have to endure the fate of unwillingly bringing another person into the world. Republican arguments that these abortion survivors could be raised by adoptive parents still inflicts the aborting mother with an unwanted inheritor of her genes existing somewhere in the world. This is wrong. We can never abide allowing the right to an abortion to be undermined in this way.”

Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Bernie Sanders praised Pelosi for “a courageous decision to uphold the principles of democratic socialism. The world is already severely overpopulated with wanted children. There is no good reason to add to this excess by saving the lives of children who are unwanted. Our progressive efforts to encourage women in Africa and Asia to abort more of their offspring would be muddled if we allow this Republican legislative monstrosity to take root in the United States.”

Dem Criticizes Bill of Rights

House Majority Whip James Clyburn (D-SC) says the Bill of Rights in the Constitution “does more harm than good in today’s society. When I see how people are abusing the Second Amendment. No telling what they’d do with the First Amendment. I think there would be a strong support against the Bill of Rights. I run into people every day who would like to see so much of those guarantees uprooted.”

The whip said he was “pleased to see such overwhelming support for severely restricting the right to bear arms from all of our Democratic presidential candidates. This unanimity stems from a perception of solid majorities who will vote for candidates who will take guns away from private citizens for their own good. In an ideal world, only the government would have firearms. This would greatly reduce unauthorized shootings while simultaneously reassuring armed government agents that resistance to their authority would be futile.”

“While the abuse of freedom of speech doesn’t have the immediate fatal impact that abuse of the right to bear arms does, the potential long-term consequences are just as concerning,” Clyburn added. “As we saw in Germany, the hate-filled speeches of a lone lunatic led to a worldwide conflict that cost the lives of millions. We have the technology now to police the statements of everyone in the country and can nip any bad ideas in the bud. We shouldn’t have to put up with the kind of anti-government views that seem to continually emanate from the right-wingers in our midst. I think if it were put on the ballot, voters would approve sensible censorship aimed at suppressing unacceptable political points of view.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. This post is also available on Facebook

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

CNN Climate Debate Publicizes Democrats’ Dictatorial Impulses

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

The seven-hour marathon Democrat town hall on climate change broadcast by CNN gave free rein to the worst impulses of the presidential contenders who participated. Even those who couldn’t participate chimed in later with their own coercive schemes designed to radically transform and impoverish everyone in order to save the planet from a vividly imagined doom that lies just over the horizon.

Sen. Elizabeth Warren (Mass) vowed to ban all fossil fuels by the year 2035. She characterized her plan as “more practical and merciful than Sen. Sanders’ plan to nationalize all the power companies. On the one hand, we all know that government-owned businesses are terribly inefficient. Poorly motivated employees hog-tied by oppressive bureaucratic red tape are a recipe for failure. My approach would mercifully kill off the fossil fuel industry and free up those currently employed to pursue more environmentally-friendly occupations like gathering fruits, nuts, and wild herbs.”

Former Vice-President Joe Biden correctly observed that China is the world’s largest contributor to the type of emissions that are linked to global warming and chided his rivals for overlooking this fact. He went on to promise that “one of my first acts as president will be to appoint my son Hunter to negotiate with the Chinese. He already has substantial business interests in China and has made many contacts. Hopefully we can revive the comity that existed between our two countries when Barack was president.”

Former Rep. Beto O’Rourke (Tx) warned that “our communities will soon be uninhabitable. Look at what’s going on in Los Angeles, San Francisco and Seattle. Rising global temperatures are sapping the energy of those in the homeless encampments to the extent that many are too weak to make it to the public lavatories provided for them and are forced to shit in the street just outside of their tents. These people are our ‘canaries in the coal mine.’ We ignore them at our peril.” O’Rourke went on to advise “constructing wind turbines at 100-yard intervals in every city to replace fossil fuels and cool overheated tent cities,” insisting that “the $100 trillion estimated cost would be money well-spent.”

Sen. Kamala Harris (Calif) says she will impose a “climate pollution tax against everyone who uses fossil fuels. This will dramatically increase the cost of using these fuels and encourage more conservation. People will travel and consume less. The $10 trillion raised by this levy will enable the government to make wiser uses of these resources than would be the case if the money were left in the irresponsible hands of selfish individuals.”

Sen. Bernie Sanders (Vt) advocated a radical population reduction program in which “the U.S. government provides a generous subsidy to the poor in Africa and Asia who are willing to abort their children. This will nip the demand for the material excesses that tempt people to engage in behaviors that harm the planet. I would combine this with the ingenious suggestion made by Swedish behavioral scientist Magnus Söderlund that we curb the demand for flatulence-emitting cattle by eating the corpses of people who have died. I expect that aborted fetuses would be especially tender and in high demand in the future we progressives are trying to build.”

All of the Democratic candidates firmly opposed fracking and nuclear power despite their positive impact on reducing carbon dioxide emissions. Sen. Cory Booker (NJ) explained that “shifting demand toward cleaner energy that’s affordable relieves people from making the kind of sacrifices we feel they need to make. Suffering for a great cause like slowing global warming brings people together. It’s uplifting and spiritually satisfying. We reject the GOP’s determination to deny this opportunity to the American population.”

South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg seconded Booker’s take, saying that “climate change is our generation’s World War II. Just as the free world banded together to fight fascism, we deserve the opportunity to band together to fight global warming. Just as the American people gave up many of their rights during WWII, Americans of today should look forward to reliving that effort and that era against today’s even greater threat of climate change.”

The CNN event inspired a tweet from President Trump mocking his Democratic rivals. “I thought that the event would be totally boring. The monotony of having to listen to these candidates’ drone on was every bit as dull as I expected. However, the repetition of insane and destructive policies from one-after-another of the would-be future presidents should persuade voters who love this country that none of these lunatics should ever be given the power that they crave.”

Senator Calls for More Censorship

Sen. Ron Wyden, (D-OR) threatened CEO Mark Zuckerberg with incarceration if he doesn’t do a better job of censoring the content posted on Facebook. “I know Mr. Zuckerberg thinks he’s done enough with his algorithms that dampen access to content that deviates from acceptable parameters of political discussion,” Wyden said. “He fears to go further due to the First Amendment’s protection of freedom of speech. But I want to remind him that it is not within his purview to determine the boundaries of freedom of speech.”

“The First Amendment is what creates the biggest opportunity for hate speech,” the Senator asserted. “People who previously had no affordable way of communicating their anti-progressive ideas can now reach millions via social media. Tech companies need to be far more vigorous about identifying, fingerprinting, and blocking content from these individuals. If these companies can’t do this their executives need to be fined or imprisoned.”

Smollett Lawyers Blame Police for Believing Jussie

Lawyers for “Empire” actor Jussie Smollett seek to avoid him paying for the $130,000 cost of investigating his claim that he was attacked by racists wearing “Make America Great Again” hats, by asserting that “it was the police’s fault for taking him serious.”

“Jussie’s story was so implausible that only an idiot wouldn’t have realized that it was bogus,” claimed Abe Aweasel, Smollett’s lead attorney. “The alleged after midnight assault on one of the coldest nights of the year by two white men in a black neighborhood was risible on its face. Add to this the fact that Jussie was unharmed and his Subway sandwich fully intact and it is clear that no investigation should’ve been undertaken.”

“The 1800 hours of police work that ensued was an incompetent waste of city resources,” Aweasel pointed out. “The attempt to collect the cost of this incompetence from our client is, itself, a racist assault on this troubled young man. The damage to his acting career from the revelation that the assault was a hoax will cost our client millions of dollars in future earnings. Mr. Smollett is the aggrieved party here and a counter suit to recover these lost earnings is fully warranted.”

Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot is expected to drop demands for compensation from Smollett on the grounds that “as a gay black man Jussie has already suffered enough from the poisonous racism and homophobia he has had to face all his life. In my review of the facts of the case I have to say that the humongous police effort on this case was not warranted. While they may have bent over backward to try to placate his initial accusation, simple common sense should have dissuaded them from doing any more than taking down his incoherent statement and putting it in the file.”

Candidate Takes Credit for Averting Hurricane Disaster

Democratic presidential candidate Marianne Williamson took credit for enabling the United States to avoid the type of destruction Hurricane Dorian wreaked on the Bahamas.

“While others have been quick to dismiss my campaign based on the power of love, it should be clear by now that I am the one candidate who is on the right track for healing this country,” Williamson boasted. “A few days ago I called for all those who love America to concentrate their thoughts on diverting Dorian from damaging the United States. While we were not completely successful, I am pleased to note that both the path of the storm and its intensity were dramatically altered by our efforts.”

The candidate contrasted the fate of the Bahamas, where 75% of the homes were submerged by the hurricane’s sea surge, to the much milder impacts observed on the United States’ east coast. “I regret that my brain power wasn’t able to save the Bahamas,” she said. “We probably could have done better if I were already the US president. I could have used the ‘bully pulpit’ of the presidency to recruit more people to focus their minds on abating the hurricane at an earlier stage and saved many more lives.”

Williamson compared “my unquestionably positive approach with Sen. Sanders’ crusty chastisement of people who live near the ocean, calling them ‘the architects of their own fate.’ Well, no one should be forced to be the architect of their own fate. All humanity needs to act as a single unit to guide everyone to the happiness promised all by the Declaration of Independence.”

SF Declares NRA “Terrorist Organization”

The San Francisco Board of Supervisors unanimously approved a resolution designating the National Rifle Association a “domestic terrorist organization.” While the NRA has taken no actions to terrorize anyone, District 2 Supervisor Catherine Stefani maintained that “their continued support for the Second Amendment is terrifying to me. The idea that every American should have the right to own a gun despite the government’s preference that they not, undermines respect for authority.”

Stefani characterized the NRA’s position as “an anachronism. At one time firearms were a very useful tool for bagging game and feeding the family. But now they are unnecessary. Even if we were to concede that eating meat is an acceptable dietary choice, we have supermarkets to supply this commodity.”

Stefani rejected the contention that the right to bear arms could be a valid check on government, saying “the so-called tyranny that sparked the American Revolution was a reasonable government effort to preserve order and obedience. If the British had succeeded in seizing the weapons stashed at Concord, Massachusetts the rebellion would have been averted, lives spared, and we’d still be enjoying the liberties currently allowed to all British subjects. Though we lost that opportunity back in 1776, I see no need to repeat the mistake of trying to preserve a means of resisting duly appointed authorities in today’s America. Clearly then, the NRA is as much of a terrorist threat as the so-called Sons of Liberty were so long ago.”

Former Housing and Urban Development (HUD) Secretary and current 2020 Democratic presidential candidate Julian Castro hailed the San Francisco action, calling it “a shining example for others to follow. The notion that our government could ever become tyrannical is absurd. Our government is a democracy. All of its laws and regulations are inherently legitimate enactments of the people. If the government decides to confiscate firearms that would be the people’s will and, consequently, not tyrannical.”

Castro’s assurance that the US government could never become tyrannical was cast into doubt by the US Department of Justice’s demand that Apple and Google hand over the names and phone numbers of 10,000 individuals who downloaded of Obsidian 4, a rifle scope app, from one or the other of the websites.

In related news, Maine has been named the safest state in America since the enactment of a “Constitutional Carry” law in 2015 that allowed residents to carry a concealed firearm without having to have a permit. In second place is Vermont, which is also a “constitutional carry” state.

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Kerry Announces Potential Deal with Iran

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

This week, former secretary of state for the Obama Administration John Kerry announced that he has negotiated a deal to reduce tensions between Iran and the United States.

“It was tough going,” Kerry admitted. “The unrelenting hostility of the Trump Administration toward Iran made that country’s leaders very skeptical of the possibility of ever getting to a satisfactory relationship with America. Nevertheless, after weeks of heart-to-heart talks, I was finally able to hammer out a plan to reestablish a path to restore the amicable relationship we had when I was secretary of state.”

“The terms are simple and easily attainable,” Kerry said. “All the United States government has to do to get back on Iran’s good side is revoke the sanctions imposed by President Trump, sincerely repent this act of aggression, and bow down to the Iranian Government. This is a small price to pay for the eternal peace that will follow from joining the umma.”

Kerry insisted that the terms he negotiated were “not a capitulation. Iran is magnanimously willing to waive the traditional demand of conversion to Islam and will permit a modest annual jizya payment to compensate Iran for the cost of protecting Americans from the righteous slaughter that the Quran prescribes for unbelievers.”

CNN’s Chris Cuomo called Kerry’s initiative “courageous and historic,” but was “not optimistic concerning its fate under Trump” because of “the President’s racism and hatred toward foreigners. Kerry’s deal would essentially reestablish the deal that President Obama previously agreed to. The bowing down performed by President Obama was barely noticeable to most Americans and the jizya payments were very affordable. However, since Trump unilaterally rejected the Obama deal I can’t see him coming to his senses now. It will be up to voters to show their support for the previous policies by electing a Democrat president in 2020.”

Biden Insists Mangled Story “Not a Gaffe”

A story that former Vice-President Joe Biden tried to tell during a New Hampshire campaign stop in which he got virtually every detail wrong—the time, the location, the act, the medal, the military branch, the rank of the hero, and his own role in the ceremony–”was not a gaffe,” he insisted.

“Look, in every war heroic actions are taken by somebody, somewhere, at some time,” Biden pointed out. “Does it really matter whether it was a soldier or sailor? Does it really matter what his or her rank was? The point is that medals for bravery are given out and I was at one of these ceremonies during my term as vice-president. This is why voters should support my campaign to be the next president.”

The former Veep went on to accuse the Trump campaign of “using this kind of hate speech against me in order to divert attention from his cruelty toward children. In none of his campaign appearances has Trump ever caressed the shoulders, sniffed the hair, or whispered in the ear of any child. He demonstrates indifference toward these young people. I, on the other hand, make sure I give youngsters the attention that shows I have the insight to sense their craving for the type of physical contact that assures them I can be trusted to do whatever it takes to make them feel good about themselves and America.”

In related news, candidate for the 2020 Democratic Party’s presidential nomination Massachusetts Sen. Elizabeth Warren vowed she “won’t let Trump get ‘handsy’ with me in the debates like he did with Hillary in 2016.” While there is no evidence that Trump ever laid a hand on Sec. Clinton in any of their televised debates, Warren insisted that “neither is there any evidence that he colluded with Russia or obstructed justice, but we all know that he did. Moral certainty must trump facts when it comes to making as important a decision as who will be the next president of the United States.”

Comey Demands Apology

Fired FBI Director James Comey demanded an apology after an inspector General’s report failed to recommend charges be filed against him for illegally leaking confidential FBI memos to the media. While President Trump tweeted that “Comey was thoroughly disgraced by the IG’s report,” Comey maintains that “I was exonerated. I was also pleased to see that the ‘Comey precedent’ that was established when I exonerated Hillary Clinton for her careless handling of classified material guided the Department of Justice decision to not press charges against me.”

“In a truly just world, I would, like former Secretary of State Clinton, now receive the covert assistance of the FBI, CIA and Department of Justice in an effort to help me win the 2020 presidential election,” Comey opined. “If the intelligence community could go so far out of its way to try to elect an outsider like Clinton, they ought be full-throttle in support of one of their own.”

Comey denied that his dream of covert intelligence community support for him to be president was unrealistic, pointing out that “Putin was a KGB operative before he became president of Russia. I would think that it should be obvious that not having an experienced member of the intelligence community at the top puts the United States at a distinct disadvantage compared to our chief geopolitical rivals. Overcoming this disadvantage should be our top strategic objective at this point in history.”

In related news, it appears that Clinton’s careless handling of classified emails resulted in “blind ccs” of 30,000 messages were transmitted to “carterheavyindustries@gmail.com.” Carter Heavy Industries is a company operating in China. A spokesperson for Sec. Clinton speaking “off-the-record” explained that “this automatic forwarding of the Secretary of State’s emails was part of the Obama Administration’s efforts to build a stronger alliance with the Chinese government. Those who want to characterize it as illegitimate are overlooking the fact that it was done with the full knowledge and consent of President Obama.”

Sanders Praises China’s Progress in Addressing Poverty

Democratic presidential contender Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vt) praised the Chinese government for making “more progress in addressing extreme poverty than any country in the history of civilization. While it is unfortunate that millions had to die in order to achieve these results, we shouldn’t let bourgeois prejudices totally blind us to the positive aspects of their accomplishments. Sometimes harsh methods are required to do hard tasks.”

“If a country as backward as China was decides to sacrifice tens of millions of people now so that hundreds of millions may prosper later, can we really say that a wrong has been done?” Sanders asked. “And let’s not overlook the environmental benefits of lessening population growth. Every new human life taxes the planet’s resources and pollutes nature. Every human life eliminated reduces these evils. I think we should learn from China’s experiences, imitate their successes and try to avoid their failures.”

“My main beef with China is that it has relied on top-down authoritarian dictatorship to govern,” Sanders complained. “I think everyone would be more comfortable with a democratic socialist, bottom-up method of making the kinds of decisions needed. If sacrifices are required the mechanism that I prefer is democratic decision making. If the elected representatives of the people determine that some must sacrifice for the benefit of the collective whole, that is a morally just decision. We can still get to the promised land that Marx predicted, but do it by democratic means. Citizens will more willingly accept democratically arrived at decisions and there will be less need to repress the selfish individuals who resist the march of history toward true communism.”

In related news, Sanders lost the vote of San Francisco restaurant owner John Konstin for “being rude and cranky” during a campaign stop at his eatery. Bernie was unmoved by the owner’s complaint saying “my being here with my 15 aides brought him a lot of free publicity. I shouldn’t also have to be nice to his waiters. It’s his obligation to be nice to me. When I’m president he’ll wish he were. Presidents have ways of repaying those who help or hurt them after they win an election.”

Feces Removal Called “Racist”

The leftist utopia city of Seattle, like its sister cities San Francisco and Los Angeles, has a human feces problem. The homeless encampments that clog numerous public open spaces yield a daily deposit of thousands of new human turds on the streets and sidewalks. Almost everyone is bothered by this. However, a proposal to clean up the mess has been labeled “racist” by Councilman Larry Gossett.

Gossett pointed out that “a disproportionate share of the homeless population are minorities. I wonder if we would be so quick to criticize if these deposits were being made by whites? The power-washing that has been proposed will inconvenience the homeless residents. How many of us on the Council would tolerate city employees coming into our homes and power-washing our bathrooms?”

The councilman also observed that “using power-hoses to intimidate those demonstrating for equal rights was a key tactic of whites repressing blacks during the 1960s. I think the optics of using power-washing the feces will do more damage to our community than the alleged health threat of open-air defecation ever could.”

In an effort to generate a compromise solution, council member Claudia Balducci suggested deploying “social workers to pick up the droppings and carry them away in plastic bags. If dog-walkers can accomplish this task, why wouldn’t that work? Beat cops could accompany the social workers to protect them from assaults by the homeless residents.”

The city council was unable to agree upon an approach, citing cost as a major impediment. “This is a national problem, not a local problem,” Gossett maintained. “We shouldn’t be penalized just because the homeless choose to live in our great city. The feds need to provide funding to offset this cost. If FEMA can send aid for hurricane relief, they can send aid to us.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. This post is also available on Facebook.

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