By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
The Obama Administration’s release of illegal immigrants who went on to commit more than 100 murders was defended on “humanitarian” grounds by ICE Director Sarah Saldana.
“These individuals all faced prison in their home countries,” Saldana said. “These foreign prisons are not like our prisons. There’s no exercise equipment and no satellite TV. Sanitation and hygiene are of the lowest sort imaginable. Sending these people to those Hellholes would have been inhumane.”
The inhumanity of the murders subsequently committed against Americans by the release of these foreign criminals was labeled “a tolerable risk” by the ICE Director. “Compared to the countries they came from, the United States has a lower crime rate,” she pointed out. “On top of that, police in the US have a better chance of apprehending suspects. The very fact that we know of the 120 murders they’ve perpetrated since their release proves that. So, from a global perspective, the burden of criminal predation has been more equitably distributed than it otherwise would’ve been if we had simply bused these foreign felons across the border.”
Saldana rejected criticisms that she characterized as “selfish and parochial. The contention that our first duty is to protect Americans is mistaken. As President Obama has made clear, we are citizens of the world first. We cannot shrug off our obligation to promote the greater good of the whole. The damage these miscreants would have done in their Third World home countries would have been far greater.”
In related news, Democratic presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton blamed Dylann Roof’s massacre of nine unarmed members of a Charleston, South Carolina church on Republican presidential aspirant Donald Trump’s anti-immigration rhetoric. “Opposition to the free flow of migrants across borders stirs up the sort of racist violence we saw in South Carolina this week,” she alleged. “Such talk shouldn’t be allowed in a free country.”
Study Shows Belgian Patients Euthanized without their Consent
Belgium passed its Euthanasia Act in 2002. A study published in this month’s Journal of Medical Ethics by Raphael Cohen-Almagor revealed that despite the law’s requirement that patients voluntarily give their consent to the procedure, many are euthanized without giving consent. The decision to euthanize was not discussed with the patient in nearly 80% of the cases of patients over 80 years old.
Dr. Pierre Tueur estimated that “I have probably performed more than 300 of these procedures on patients incapable of giving informed consent. In cases where the patient is unconscious, demented, or unreasonably frightened of death, I feel it would be against the patient’s best interest for him to be burdened by such a decision.”
Tueur maintained that the “voluntary” requirement of the law was met “when the person checks himself into the hospital. He comes to us seeking our professional expertise. When it becomes clear to us that further life would be too painful or unworthy it is our professional obligation to mercifully end it.”
“Individuals who have become more of a burden than a benefit to the collective well-being of society have a moral duty to exit,” Tueur argued. “Moral obtuseness of the individual does not negate this duty. Those of us who have been trained in the science of medicine must step forward to ensure this duty is fulfilled.”
Disgraced NBC Anchorman Moves to MSNBC
Dismissed from his post at NBC’s Nightly News for making up stories, Brian Williams has been reassigned to the company’s floundering cable channel where he has vowed “to reclaim my reputation, one viewer at a time.” Whether Williams will be able to accomplish was thrown into doubt by his stubborn insistence that his on-the-air fabrications “weren’t intended to mislead people.”
“Fiction isn’t inherently untrue,” Williams observed. “Many novels and movies portray deeper truths via fictional characters and events. We don’t deride Mark Twain or Steven Spielberg for making up stuff. While I don’t claim to be as good at it as them, I don’t think I’ve deserved all the negative vibes I’ve gotten.”
As an example of a “deeper truth” that his fiction helped elicit, Williams pointed to his reporting on Hurricane Katrina’s effects on New Orleans in 2005. “Admittedly, I didn’t see any bodies floating in the streets,” he acknowledged. “But it was a big flood and there could have been bodies that I didn’t see. The important point I was trying to make was that President Bush should be held accountable for the disaster.”
While Bush’s culpability might have been clear to Williams’ addled way of thinking, the reality was more complex. Yes, Bush was president when the hurricane hit the city, but Bush had no control over the path of the storm. The City’s vulnerability to flooding was decades in the making as state and local politicians squandered multiple opportunities to shore up levees.
For his part, former President Bush wished Williams “luck with his quest to restore his reputation” and allowed that “his estimate that he’ll do it one viewer at a time seems to be an accurate assessment based on the size of MSNBC’s audience.”
Rise in Sexual Harassment Cases at State Department
In 2014, under the leadership of John Kerry, 248 sexual harassment cases were filed at the US Department of State. This is considerably higher than the 88 cases filed in 2011 under the leadership of Hillary Clinton.
Kerry attributed the bulge in complaints to “employees’ misunderstanding of new training protocols I’ve introduced. It is not a scandal.”
According to the Secretary, the new protocols “involve intentionally stressful interactions carried out under my orders. If you’re going to work for the Department you must learn skills of diplomacy. Being diplomatic in circumstances where everyone behaves politely and appropriately is no challenge. It’s when someone crosses the line that the utmost test of these skills comes into play.”
“In many of the countries we have to deal with women are regarded as subservient vessels for the pleasure and amusement of men,” Kerry observed. “Our female employees’ first experience with such denigration shouldn’t be after they’ve gone into the field. Likewise, in many other countries homosexuals are put to death. Homosexuals working in the State Department must be trained to conceal their sexual identities before we send them into the field to negotiate with these countries.”
“Instead of complaining about the training, employees should be thankful I’m making the effort,” the Secretary asserted. “Let’s not forget that our gay Ambassador Christopher Stevens didn’t have the benefit of this training and ultimately was killed by Islamic homophobes under my predecessor’s watch.”
Leading Dems OK with Clinton Foundation Influence Peddling
Despite former Clinton administration official Robert Reich’s reservations about “the apparent impropriety of a husband of a potential future president accepting money from foreign governments and big corporations for ‘speeches’ that hardly seem worth listening to, much less paying for,” key Democrats think its okay.
“Bringing money into America from a foreign government boosts our economy,” said Rep. Stephen Lynch (D-Mass). “If it’s trying to buy a policy that Hillary was going to follow anyway, well, that’s just ‘found money.’ And if it’s for a policy that Hillary doesn’t like, well, she can always welsh on the deal.”
“People have a right to earn a living,” said Rep. Keith Ellison (D-Minn). “If someone is willing to pay a quarter of a million dollars to listen to a one-hour speech, well, it’s their money. They may think they’re gaining access to favors, but based on the Clintons’ track record, I think relying on such a quid-pro-quo is a long shot.”
Rep. Gene Green (D-Texas) said he is “confident that any money ending up in the hands of the Clintons will be put to good use. Even if only a tiny fraction is used for charity that’s still more than these charities might have gotten anyway. And keeping the Clintons relevant is an investment in America’s future. There may come a day when the nation sorely needs the skills that Chelsea can bring to the table.”
Rep. Dutch Ruppersberger (D-Md) blamed the public’s low trust in Hillary (57% of poll respondents don’t think she’s honest) on “the media’s right-wing bias. The vast right wing conspiracy that tried to hound Bill out of office for consensual sex with Monica are trying to block Hillary’s path to the White House now. That’s the real scandal here.”
Trump Enters Presidential Race
Real estate baron and reality TV star Donald Trump threw his hat into the ring in the race for the 2016 GOP presidential nomination this week. In his announcement in front of a crowd—many of whom were paid $50 apiece to cheer him on—Trump pledged to secure government entitlements.
“With the other Republicans in the race, you never know whether they might end up cutting or privatizing Social Security, Medicare, or Medicaid,” Trump alleged. “Right here and right now I’m promising that these programs will be fully funded for as long as there is money to pay for them.”
Trump attempted to bolster the credibility of this promise by asking Oprah Winfrey to be his vice-presidential running mate. “Oprah gives away a lot of stuff to her TV audience,” Trump reminded. “It’s time we broaden the base to include every American as a recipient of her generosity.”
Trump further contrasted his “take no prisoners management style with that of President Obama’s ‘limp wristed’ inability to get Congress to bend to his will. If Congress can’t carry their weight I won’t be afraid to fire them. Everyone in America has seen me fire poor performers on The Apprentice. There should be no doubt that I’ve got what it takes to get results.”
A Satirical Look at Recent News
John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.
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