California Massacre Sparks Diverse Reactions

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnA paramilitary assault by Syed Rizwan Farooq and his wife Tashfeen Malik on an office Christmas party in San Bernardino, California on Wednesday that left 14 dead and 21 more wounded has sown confusion at the highest levels of the US government. The attackers had apparently planned the event far in advance—accumulating an arsenal of firearms, thousands of rounds of ammo, combat-ready body armor and constructing a number of IEDs over a period of at least several weeks—and posted a pledge of allegiance to Islamic State leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi on the day of the attack.

Nonetheless, President Obama professed his complete bafflement at the possible motive for the murders. “We really have no clue as to why these two young people took such drastic action,” Obama said. “We do know that Farooq had some sort of work relationship with many of the victims and was familiar with the work premises where the crime occurred. My best guess is that we are dealing with another instance of workplace violence.”

Executive Director of the Council on American-Islamic Relations Nihad Awad blamed US foreign policy for “provoking an essentially defensive reaction from these obviously devout Muslims. When US troops are trespassing on Muslim lands it should not be surprising if Muslims everywhere are spurred into action.”

Secretary of State John Kerry acknowledged that “Mr. Awad may have a point. If we bomb ISIS we shouldn’t be surprised if ISIS sympathizers retaliate.” Kerry also suggested that “the target wasn’t exactly random. As I understand it, Mr. Farooq had a number of previous arguments with one of the victims—a Jew who challenged the idea that Islam is a religion of peace. And we shouldn’t overlook the fact that the Christmas party he attacked is an example of the kind of micro-aggressions that Muslims in this country have to face on a regular basis.”

Attorney General Loretta Lynch took up the micro-aggression theme and disclosed that her office currently has “more than a thousand ongoing investigations into anti-Muslim incidents including ‘hate speech’ and ‘bigoted behavior’ of the sort meted out to Ahmed Mohamed,” whose cleverly designed clock that looked like a brief case bomb freaked out school officials in Irving, Texas. As Lynch sees it, “it is only because Muslims are a small minority in this country that these sorts of flagrant injustices can occur. The cure is to admit more Muslim immigrants. As their numbers grow, hate crimes against them should subside—if not due to the fear of losing a multi-million dollar lawsuit as Irving may, then maybe the greater probability that a Muslim may be pushed past the tipping point like Farooq and Malik were.”

In a bid to distinguish themselves from any suspicion of harboring anti-Muslim sentiments, Democratic Reps. Don Beyer of Virginia and Joe Crowley of New York attended Friday prayers at the Dar Al-Hijrah Islamic Center. This northern Virginia mosque was previously favored by the attendance of several of the September 11, 2001 hijackers as well as Fort Hood shooter Nidal Hasan. California colleague Rep. Jackie Speier didn’t go so far as to attend the mosque services, but refused to participate in a Congressional “moment of silence” for the San Bernardino victims as “it might further enrage the victims of anti-Muslim hate crimes and foment further violence, possibly against members of Congress like myself.”

In related news, Democrats’ determination to bring as many Muslim immigrants to the United States as they can get away with received a PR setback by Saudi Arabia’s refusal to accept a single refugee from war-torn Syria, claiming that “they are too dangerous” and citing “the brawls and riots perpetrated by refugees allowed into Germany” as “proof they are too uncivilized for our society.”

Dems Use California Terror Attack to Bolster Gun-Control Effort

The massacre of 14 unarmed civilians in San Bernardino, California by two Islamic terrorists this week provided Democrats with more ammunition in their argument for stricter gun-control.

House Minority Leader Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) called for legislation that would empower the FBI to bar anyone on its “watch list” from legally purchasing a firearm. “Right now, regulations are focused on blocking persons with demonstrated histories of criminal or mental problems from obtaining weapons,” Pelosi observed. “To often a person with no previous record of this sort commits a crime with a gun. By trusting the judgment of the government’s best professional law enforcement agency with the latitude to get ahead of events and identify potential troublemakers before they commit a crime we’ll all be safer.”

The fact that the guns used in this heinous crime were obtained legally shows that it is too easy for people to get firearms in this country,” Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) complained. “Americans want this to stop, but the National Rifle Association stands in the way. We need to figure out how to neutralize this voice against saner gun-control policy.”

One way to “neutralize” the NRA’s voice would be to bypass Congress and implement gun-control via executive action. Press Secretary Josh Earnest attempted to make the case for this option by citing an argument made by Thomas Hobbes in the 17th century. “When almost everyone has access to weapons society is anarchic,” Earnest argued. “The obvious solution so presciently laid out by Hobbes was for the government to have a monopoly on the use of force. The war of all against all where the threat of annihilation could come from any direction would be supplanted by an all-powerful government.”

The chief benefit of the Hobbesian approach is its simplicity,” Earnest continued. “The government could easily distinguish between a disarmed law-abiding populace and armed anti-social elements. By making mere possession of a firearm a capital offense the government could more effectively eradicate this criminal segment of the population. The archaic notion of self-defense would be replaced by collective-defense. The good of the whole would triumph over the individual selfishness championed by today’s anti-progressive hard-liners.”

IRS Demands Charities Collect Social Security #s from Donors

Contending that its ability to adequately monitor, measure and police tax-deductible donations is greatly hampered by insufficient data, the IRS is demanding that all organizations receiving such donations obtain donors’ Social Security numbers and forward this information to the IRS.

It’s bad enough that the law allows a person to reduce the amount of tax he pays to us by deducting charitable contributions,” Commissioner John Koskinen lamented. “What’s worse is that the task of verifying the amount and legitimacy of these donations is tedious and time-consuming. Having all donors’ Social Security numbers supplied by the receiving organization would substantially ease our burden.”

Koskinen dismissed concerns over the proposed new regulation’s invasion of privacy as “selfish and anti-social. The government has an interest in maximizing the resources it extracts for the collective benefit of society. Tax-deductions that reduce the magnitude of the resources we receive infringe on the welfare of the whole. The government has a right to know who is diverting these funds from the public coffers.”

Rather than permit private individuals to control where these funds go, it makes more sense to me to put this decision into the hands of the government,” Koskinen said. “The government represents all the people. It should control the distribution of all the resources. Ideally, there should be no tax-deductions for charitable giving. Everyone should pay whatever the government says they owe and let the government decide how to spend it.”

Cruz Claim that Majority of Criminals Are Democrats Enrages Left

The media’s effort to award GOP presidential candidate Sen. Ted Cruz “four Pinocchios” for his comment that “most criminals are Democrats” crashed against statistics that support his contention.

A study published in the Annals of the American Academy of Political and Social Science found that in the state of New York ex-convicts registered Democratic over Republican by a 6:1 ratio and that over 70% of ex-cons who turn out for presidential elections vote for the Democrat.

Glen Kessler, the Washington Post “fact checker” found these statistics unpersuasive, though. “Ex-cons represent criminals who have been caught and imprisoned,” Kessler pointed out. “They may only represent the less intelligent segment of the criminal class. We don’t know how many unconvicted or undetected criminals there are or who they vote for.”

A broader issue is a whole range of activities that aren’t considered criminal under the law, but perhaps should be,” Kessler added. “What about climate-change deniers, for example? President Obama has made it clear that climate change is the most serious threat to humanity ever known. There is no law against blocking government from taking the steps necessary to fight this scourge. Yet, I would guess that the vast majority of these social criminals vote Republican. In a deeper sense, I think this rebuts Cruz’s claim.”

In related news, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton took issue with Cruz’s assertion that widely available and inexpensive condoms could be an adequate alternative birth control measure compared to abortion. “Unlike Senator Cruz, not everyone has the presence of mind or funds to buy a condom ahead of time,” Clinton objected. “A woman needs to know that the government will provide her with a back-up plan that won’t cost her out-of-pocket. Publicly financed abortion is that plan.” A package of 40 condoms can be purchased at Walmart for under $12. The cost of an abortion ranges from $300 to $2,000 depending on how close to the baby’s birth it occurs.

Obama Climate Comment Runs Overtime

Each participant in this past week’s COP21 climate conference in Paris was allocated three minutes to make his point. President Obama blew through numerous cues that his time was up on his way to a 14-minute bloviation.

Press Secretary Josh Earnest rejected contentions that Obama was rude and disrespectful toward his fellow 140 heads-of-state. “We have the most important person alive today offering his unique views on the most important topic in human history and people want to chide him for running a few minutes over? I think the guy who kept interrupting him with his incessant buzzing on the time-clock is the one who owes the whole world an apology.”

Meanwhile, climate-change activists demonstrating outside the conference in support of more government control over the climate destroyed a memorial to the victims of the November 13 ISIS massacre calling it “a distraction from the much graver threat of climate catastrophe.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

 

Democrat Says Drop Benghazi Investigation

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnMember of the House Select Committee on Benghazi Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) is calling for an end to the investigation. As Schiff sees it, “the hearings can serve no useful purpose. Closing them down will save the taxpayers’ money.”

Schiff, who has attended only one of the Committee’s 45 sessions, reasoned that “even if it is incontrovertibly proven that former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was responsible for the lapses that resulted in the death of Ambassador Stevens and several others there is no remedy Congress can implement. The dead cannot be brought back to life. And Mrs. Clinton has already resigned the post.”

The Congressman pooh-poohed the possibility that criminal liability might be shown. “Bad judgment is not a felony,” Schiff argued. “Selecting a local Muslim cadre to provide security may have been stupid. Blocking a rescue attempt may have been cowardly. Concocting a false cover story may have been dishonest, but such stories are routine tools of diplomacy.”

Bryan Pagliano, the man who set up Mrs. Clinton’s private email account announced that he will avail himself of the US Constitution’s Fifth Amendment protection against self-incrimination if he is required to appear before the Committee. Schiff cited this as “further proof that there is no smoking gun to be found by continuing the investigation.”

“At best, Congress might urge the Attorney General to press ahead with a criminal investigation, but does anyone sincerely believe a serious investigation would be undertaken?” Schiff jibed. “Isn’t it more likely that Attorney General Lynch would either decline to take up the matter or simply issue a finding of insufficient evidence? And let’s not forget that President Obama could just pardon Mrs. Clinton and spare the country further agony.”

Poor Turnout for Screening of Planned Parenthood Videos

The Susan B. Anthony List invited 2,000 Democratic Congressional staffers to a screening of the undercover videos that have been released by the Center for Medical Progress. Only ten showed up. Only three would look at any of the videos. Only two unpaid interns watched all 90 minutes of tape.

SBA President Marjorie Dannenfelser acknowledged that “viewing the horrors shown to be taking place at Planned Parenthood is difficult. Nevertheless, awareness of the enormity of the crimes being committed by this organization is an important step if we hope to end them. Abortionists in this country have murdered over 50 million children. By shining more light on some of these atrocities the Center for Medical Progress may spur the type of action needed to put a stop to the continued slaughter of innocents.”

In contrast, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) praised “the courage of our dedicated staffers for resisting this emotional appeal aimed at diverting them from aiding our Party in its pursuit of a progressive agenda. Using pictures of chopped up babies and covertly obtained tapes of Planned Parenthood officials haggling with anti-abortion activists posing as prospective buyers of these fetal tissues is reprehensible. This time they have gone too far. I am hopeful that the callous invasion of privacy perpetrated by the Center for Medical Progress and abetted by the Susan B. Anthony List won’t go unpunished now that they have exposed themselves for what they are.”

Clinton Apologizes for “People’s Confusion about My Emails”

In yet another attempt to dampen the negative implications emanating from her 2009 decision to use a private email account for official State Department business, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said she was “sorry that people are so confused by the issue.”

Clinton acknowledged that “the decision was not well thought out. I didn’t stop to think about the potential downside of using an unsecured network for the highly confidential messages my work would entail. I was too eager to dive into the much more important business of resolving the diplomatic mess left behind by the outgoing Bush Administration.”

The presidential candidate then sought to clarify matters “for voters who have been misled by Republican efforts to use this complex situation for political advantage. My decision to use a private account for public business was not an unusual one. While it may not have been in accord with statutory law, it was a common practice authorized by President Obama and was widely used within the Administration. That I am being singled out for scrutiny is a desperate ploy by the GOP to try to block my ascension to the presidency.”

While admitting that her private email account may have been hacked (this week a private hacker offered Mrs. Clinton’s 30,000 emails for sale with a $500,000 price tag), she contended that “continued prying into this past history risks exposing vital secrets to our more dangerous enemies—not the Chinese, Russians, or even the Islamic State—but the right-wing elements who have a realistic chance of undoing the progressive reforms of President Obama that my election in 2016 would preserve and build upon.”

In related news, GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump’s speculation that Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s personal aide Huma Abedin may have shared her classified emails with her husband—Anthony Weiner—was labeled “absurd” by the former congressman. “These are not the kind of emails my wife and I send to each other,” Weiner said. “Anyone who knows me and knows my history with emails and sexts also knows I have no interest in such matters. Huma would never send me boring memos on ISIS or Russia. She knows my taste runs more toward the erotic.”

Judge Defends Jailing of Kentucky Clerk

Kim Davis, the Kentucky county clerk who refused to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples, was led away in shackles after U.S. District Judge David Bunning ordered her to be held in jail until she agrees to comply with his orders.

Bunning justified the harsh treatment calling “contempt of court among the most serious offenses against the rule of law in this country. The humiliation of shackles and the open-ended nature of the incarceration is needed to strike fear into both Ms. Davis and others who night contemplate challenging our authority.”

The judge belittled Davis’ contention that her natural right to freedom of religion was being infringed, saying that “the idea of natural law superseding court authority would be a dangerous precedent. The US Constitution firmly establishes the courts as the ultimate arbiter of justice. Government officers at all levels—federal, state, and local—cannot refuse to carry out what a court directs them to do. Likewise, any statute or ordinance that is incompatible with a court’s ruling must be swept aside.”

Kerry Sees Lessons from WWII for Fight against Global Warming

US Secretary of State John Kerry told attendees at the Global Leadership in the Arctic conference in Alaska that global warming presents a threat every bit as severe as World War II did 75 years ago.

“World War II was the most disastrous event of the twentieth century,” Kerry said. “Over 50 million people died as a result. Global warming could easily top that toll. That is why it is imperative that the leaders of the world steel themselves for the hard choices they will have to make to combat this threat.”

An example of the kind of hard choice leaders have to steel themselves to make is “the possible internment of potentially dangerous segments of the population. Students of history recall that US President Franklin Roosevelt took the hard step of imprisoning Americans of Japanese descent. It is not too difficult to envision a future president taking a similar step to imprison global warming deniers in order to prevent them from impeding the actions necessary to stave off undesirable climate change.”

“Maybe a stint in an internment camp will aid in reeducating these misguided individuals,” Kerry hoped. “But we must be prepared for sterner measures if mere internment fails to do the job. The United States undertook some harsh actions to ensure that World War II could be won. We may have to undertake similarly harsh actions to ensure that the fight against global warming is won.”

Boehner Outraged over Mountain Name Change

This week, President Obama announced he was using his executive authority to rename the nation’s tallest peak Mount Denali. The peak was named after former President William Mckinley by Congress in 1917. McKinley’s career of public service included a stint in the US House of Representatives, a term as Governor of Ohio, and a a bit more than one term as President from 1897 until he was assassinated in 1901 after being reelected in 1900.

A red-faced House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) called President Obama’s unilateral decision to rename Mount McKinley “an outrage. It makes my blood boil. This mountain was named by an Act of Congress. President Obama has no right to change it without Congress’ consent. He has acted lawlessly.”

Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest found Boehner’s objections “amusing. There is nothing in the Constitution that gives Congress the authority to name mountains. There is nothing in the Constitution barring the President from changing the names of mountains. There is nothing that Mr. Boehner can do to undo what President Obama has done.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

EPA to Defy Judge

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnJudge Ralph Erickson of the District Court for the District of North Dakota granted plaintiffs an injunction against the Environmental Protection Agency’s implementation of new navigable waterways regulations that were set for immediate enforcement. The EPA’s new regulations would have extended its authority over every body of water within the United States including rain runoff, temporary puddles, and spillage from yard sprinklers and driveways where home owners wash their vehicles.

The Judge observed that “it seems extremely improbable that the proposed EPA authority could conceivably apply to the so-called ‘navigable waterways’ described. As such, the 13 states suing the EPA would appear likely to win based on the merits of the case. An injunction pending the outcome of their suit is the best means for limiting the damages that taxpayers will be forced to pay if the regulations are permitted to go forward.”

EPA Press Secretary Melissa Harrison said the Agency “will go forward with implementation in the 44 states that are not covered by Erickson’s decision. The Administration disagrees with the presumption that the plaintiffs will win their suit.” As evidence, Harrison cited Judge Lisa Godbey Wood of the District Court for the Southern District of Georgia’s rejection of a plea for an injunction in a suit filed by 11 other states.

What we have here is one judge attempting to impede a policy decreed by the leader of the free world,” she asserted. “Surely, the scales of justice will tip toward the greater weight represented by President Obama and the majority of judges who have accepted his rule. I mean, is there really any doubt that the US Supreme Court will eventually uphold this regulation? They’ve upheld every other major policy innovation he’s backed.”

Clinton Likens Planned Parenthood Critics to Terrorists

Seeking to divert attention from her admittedly unwise and likely illegal handling of classified material through her unsecured private email account, Democratic presidential contender Hillary Clinton sought to draw a parallel between advocates of defunding Planned Parenthood and Islamic terrorists.

Both groups relegate women to second class status,” Clinton claimed. “Both deny women the right to control their reproductive heath. Both would force women to be vessels for carrying unwanted children into the world. Both espouse out-of-date ideas about how the world should work.”

GOP presidential contender Sen. Marco Rubio (Fla) characterized Clinton’s claims “as twisted and malevolent an inversion of morality as we are likely to see from a purportedly sane person. Islamic terrorists are cutting off the heads of those who oppose their barbarism. Planned Parenthood is cutting off the heads of children and selling them as raw material for medical research. Lumping those who want to stop taxpayer funding of Planned Parenthood’s diabolical profiteering from the murder and dismemberment of innocent babies with Islamic murderers is as evil a slander as any ever perpetrated by the Nazis.”

Unfazed by Rubio’s counter, Clinton pointed out that “all of the babies aborted are unwanted. Planned Parenthood is merely aiding both the women who don’t want them and the babies themselves to avoid a life of burdens and suffering. Defraying some of the costs of this noble endeavor by recovering and selling parts that otherwise would simply be trashed helps reduce the amount of public funds we must appropriate for the organization to carry on this vital work.”

In related news, Planned Parenthood announced that a study it commissioned exonerated the organization from all charges of wrongdoing related to the videos revealing some of its chief officials discussing the sale of baby parts. “In none of these videos do we see any money changing hands,” Cecile Richards, president of Planned Parenthood Federation of America, said. “What we see is the Center for Medical Progress getting Planned Parenthood personnel drunk and eliciting giggling boasts about some of the humorous aspects of the business. While some might find such behavior distasteful, both our attorneys and representatives from the US Attorney General’s office have assured me that it is not criminal.”

Boehner Warns GOP Voters Against Cruz

House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) warned voters against falling for GOP presidential candidate Sen. Ted Cruz’s “siren song of feel-good, but politically unviable policy prescriptions.” Boehner’s remarks came at a Colorado fund-raising event.

Securing the border, defunding Planned Parenthood, killing the deal with Iran may sound good to unsophisticated ears, but they aren’t going to go anywhere,” Boehner told wealthy donors. “President Obama is going to block all of these notions. If we follow Cruz we get nothing. If we go along with the President we stand a chance of getting a piece of the action.”

The “piece of the action” Boehner is so keen to hold onto includes “ensuring that important Republican constituencies get a share of government spending thrown their way. The federal government buys lots of stuff. Seeing that it buys some of this stuff from our donors is our responsibility Sacrificing this potential cash flow for the sake of futile challenges to the President’s agenda is foolish. Cruz is a jackass for pushing them.”

Administration Makes End Run Around 2nd Amendment

In a move said to side-step Constitutional impediments to reasonable gun control, US Secretary of State John Kerry signed on to a UN agreement establishing an international gun registry and controls over the sale and transport of “small arms.”

Every sensible effort to restrict access to guns in the United States has been blocked by court rulings citing the Second Amendment’s ‘right to bear arms,’” Kerry complained. “Well, the US Constitution doesn’t apply to the UN. It is not fettered by the kind of out-of-date notions that stymie policy in this country.”

While the gun extremists at the NRA may not be satisfied, the agreement will allow individuals to own and use guns for legitimate purposes,” Kerry reassured. “Duck hunters can keep their shot guns. Elk hunters can keep their rifles. Professional bodyguards can keep their pistols. But the availability of access to firearms for use in domestic murders or by self-styled militias and vigilantes will be sharply curtailed.”

Kerry dismissed possible Senate opposition as “a non-issue. The Senate only has jurisdiction over treaties. This is not a treaty. It is an agreement among sovereigns. President Obama, as the sovereign of the United States has the absolute right to make this agreement and commit this country to abide by its provisions.”

Congresswoman Calls Fetal Parts Sales Humane and Life-Saving

Rep. Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (D-Fla) waded into the Planned Parenthood controversy and insisted that carving up the unborn for spare parts is both “humane and life-saving.”

First of all, what could be more humane than putting these unwanted creatures out of their misery?” the Congresswoman wondered. Saying that “I doubt that fetuses could feel pain, but even if they could the momentary pain of a medical instrument slicing the spinal cord has got to be far less painful than a lifetime of poverty and abuse as an unwanted child.”

Second, given that the law grants a woman the unrestricted right to terminate her pregnancy, doesn’t it make sense to try to salvage the residue?” Wasserman-Schultz asked. “I have heard that a company in California transplants salvaged fetal kidneys and implants them in rats where they can be grown and later used as a transplant for someone. Those heaping criticism on Planned Parenthood never mention this life-saving repurposing of recovered biological material.”

In related news, Planned Parenthood is suing the State of Louisiana for terminating its taxpayer-funded subsidies. Planned Parenthood official Cecile Richards called the State’s action “an illegal usurpation of President Obama’s authority to determine how government funds are to be used. The federal government gives Louisiana money earmarked for Planned Parenthood. The State has no right to refuse and return it to taxpayers.”

Obama Accuses Jeter of Cheating

President Barack Obama leveled cheating charges against former Yankee great Derek Jeter as the athlete easily beat him in a round of golf.

Press Secretary Josh Earnest alleged that “the president’s prowess has been borne out in hundreds of rounds over the past six years where he has gone undefeated against every prior opponent. How likely is it that Jeter would be the only person to win against him?”

Earnest brushed aside the possibility that a skilled professional athlete of Jeter’s caliber might have genuinely been a better golfer. “Let me point out that the president has more hours of golf under his belt than Mr. Jeter has,” Earnest argued. “Mr. Jeter was a baseball player. Any contention that skills that might have worked for him in that sport could somehow translate into golf skills sufficient to best the President seems dubious.”

Jeb Slams Asian Immigration

Hectored by Latino illegal immigrants for using the term “anchor baby,” GOP presidential candidate former Florida governor Jeb Bush contended that he was referring to Asian immigrants.

China and India are the real threat,” Bush maintained. “There are over a billion of each of them. That’s enough to totally overwhelm the 300 million Americans living in this country. There are only 125 million Mexicans. Even if every one of them migrated to the United States we’d still outnumber them by a wide margin.”

The candidate went on to outline what he called “a strong plan to interdict illegal Asian immigration using the vast size of the Pacific Ocean as our first line of defense. Unlike Mexicans they can’t simply walk into this country unless they go to Mexico first. But I will work with the government of Mexico on a joint operation to prevent Asians from using this route. Those flying or sailing to the United States will, of course, be intercepted at the airports and seaports.”

Bush hastened to remind reporters that “so far I’m the only candidate with a plan targeting this threat. Asians are worse because they come here to take our high-paying jobs. Most of the Mexicans who come here take jobs mowing lawns and cleaning homes—saving many middle class families from having to do these chores.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Arizona Congressmen Introduce Grant’s Law to Fight the Border Invasion

Washington, D.C. — Rep. Matt Salmon (AZ-05) today issued the following statement on news that the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) had released three dangerous illegal aliens into Pinal County, Arizona.

“Despite the repeated attacks on American citizens by illegal aliens released from our jails, DHS refuses to stop freeing violent criminals who are in our country illegally.  Just yesterday, we learned of three more individuals set free on law-abiding Arizonans by the Department of Homeland Security.  Their crimes included the beating to death of a seven-week-old baby and the stabbing, beating, and immolation of a police informant.

“Our Department of Homeland Security needs to focus more on securing our homeland, not on cornering the market as a transportation option for illegal aliens in the United States.  Americans need protection from violent criminals and an explanation for why DHS has been so miserably failing at their primary task.  How many more Americans must be murdered by illegal alien criminals before this administration begins taking the safety of Americans seriously?”

A copy of the letter Rep. Salmon sent to DHS Secretary Johnson on yesterday’s news is available here.

Russian Calls for War Crimes Inquiry into Atom Bombs Dropped by US

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnRussian legislator Sergei Naryshkin called for an international military tribunal to open an investigation of the United States’ bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki in 1945, calling the bombings “a crime against humanity.” While most historians agree that the bombings resulted in fewer Japanese casualties than would have been the case had the country been invaded, Naryshkin contended that “the use of unconventional weapons had unforeseen and irreparable consequences on both Japan and Russia.”

“Instead of being permitted to sacrifice their lives in suicidal attacks on invading US and Soviet troops, the Japanese people were forced to endure the humiliation of surrender,” Naryshkin said. “The comforts of martyrdom and oblivion were replaced by the degradation of foreign occupation by American imperialists.”

“On top of this, the Soviet Union was denied its share of the spoils of war,” Naryshkin added. “No army suffered more casualties during World War II than the Soviet Army. Yet, these gallant troops were blocked from taking the same benefits of rape and pillage they justly enjoyed over the Germans. Similarly, Japan’s hasty capitulation deprived the Soviet government of its own zone-of-occupation within Japan. This allowed the United States to hog it all for themselves and shut out the progressive influences that Soviet occupation bestowed on East Germany and other eastern and central European states.”

Retiring Comedy Central TV host Jon Stewart hailed Naryshkin’s initiative as a vindication of his assertion that former President Harry Truman “was a war criminal for authorizing those bombings” and expressed a hope that “the United States will ultimately redeem itself for that atrocity by paying reparations to Japan.”

Trump Sure Debate Helped His Candidacy

Donald Trump, the current front runner for the 2016 GOP presidential nomination, hit back at debate moderator Megyn Kelly’s implication that his insulting remarks about women might cost him votes.

“I’m just saying what everybody else is thinking,” Trump insisted. “Anyone who has eyes has got to agree that a distressingly large portion of women in our grossly overweight nation are fat slobs. Rather than keep quiet about this disgusting blight like so many other so-called opinion leaders, I have the courage to speak up. I don’t think voters will punish me for that. And only a bimbo like Kelly would try to make viewers believe otherwise.”

Trump was equally confident that his admission that he makes donations to movers and shakers in both political parties won’t be held against him. “Who knows better how to battle against the corrupt system of influence peddling than a person who has participated in it?” he asked. “For one, putting one of the major influence purchasers inside the government will, by itself, reduce the incidence of this sort of bribery. As president, I wouldn’t have to contribute to Clinton, or McConnell, or Boehner and hope they’d look out for my interests. I could look out for them myself from a position of impregnable strength. That’s why everyday Americans are supporting my candidacy.”

Trump also assailed the post-debate analysis where he took offense at Frank Luntz’s focus group report indicating that participants expressed negative reactions to the candidate’s performance. “Let’s not forget that Fox News’ ‘record-breaking’ audience for this debate was only 16% of those watching TV at that time,” Trump pointed out. “Eighty-four percent—the vast majority—didn’t even see it. Luntz is a low class slob for concealing that salient fact.”

In related news, recently recovered emails from Lois Lerner, the chief IRS persecutor of right-leaning groups, revealed a pattern of derogatory name-calling where she referred to conservatives as “crazies” and “assholes.” While Republicans on the Senate Finance Committee attributed these types of characterizations to possible political bias, Sen. Ron Wyden (D-Ore) argued that “these seem like accurate assessments of the opponents of progressive policies to me.”

Kerry Bewails Schumer Opposition to Iran Deal

Secretary of State John Kerry bewailed Sen. Charles Schumer’s (D-NY) announcement of his opposition to the Iran deal as “profoundly misguided.”

“I understand that Senator Schumer needs Jewish votes,” Kerry observed. “What he doesn’t understand is that his Jewish constituents are not the Jews Iran intends to wipe off the map. Iran has made it clear to me that it is targeting Zionists in Israel for extermination. Jews who are willing to leave Israel and Jews who live in New York are not their targets.”

Kerry admitted that he “didn’t totally disregard the possibility that some of the funds granted to Iran as part of the deal could be used to fund attacks on targets in America,” but argued that “these attacks would likely be aimed at Americans, in general,” and that “Jews would not be inordinately exposed to risks not faced by other non-Jewish inhabitants of our country.”

The Secretary also insisted that war was the only alternative to accepting the deal. “GOP members of Congress like to assert that there are other measures short of war that might be taken,” Kerry said. “But President Obama—the only person who is in a position to take action—says there is no other alternative. People should know better than to doubt this man. If he decides we go to war, we go to war. He will not wait on Congress to authorize the use of force. He didn’t wait on Congress before deciding to take out Libya’s Khadaffy. He’s aggressively used drones to eliminate this country’s enemies. So, if he says it’s this deal or war, Congress had best take him at his word.”

Obama Denounces Murder and Organ Harvesting

In the midst of a series of covertly obtained and publicly released videos of Planned Parenthood’s murder of human babies and sale of their organs, President Obama has come out strongly against the practice of killing albinos and selling their organs in Africa, telling a group of African leaders “this cruel tradition has got to stop.”

Meanwhile, the “cruel tradition” practiced by Planned Parenthood still escapes notice at the White House. Press Secretary Josh Earnest has explained that “the President refuses to watch the defamatory videos being peddled by the Center for Medical Progress” and “saw no contradiction between his stance on what is going on in Africa compared to what is going on in this country.”

“In Africa, the tissues being harvested from albino cadavers are used in superstitious rituals,” Earnest explained. “The tissues being harvested from infant cadavers at Planned Parenthood are being used for scientific research. Perhaps if we were less squeamish about this more parts could have been extracted and more research undertaken. Maybe Christopher Reeve could’ve been saved or Michael J. Fox’s Parkinsons’ symptoms eased if more fetal cadavers at more advanced stages had been available for organ harvesting.”

“Unfortunately, restrictions on third-trimester and partial-birth abortions have reduced the quantity of viable organs that have been available for post mortem extraction,” Earnest lamented. “Suppressing the supply of fetal tissue, as so many state legislatures have done by restricting the window of opportunity during which fetuses may be aborted, thwarts science’s efforts to convert the wretched refuse of unwanted lives into medical therapies that could be used to save the lives of more worthy persons.”

Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) rallied to President Obama’s side on this issue contending that “efforts to punish Planned Parenthood by cutting federal funding show that the GOP has lost its moral compass. They’re putting the interests of unwanted potential people ahead of the interests of real people—our wives, our sisters, our daughters, our granddaughters—people who will vote to determine who will and won’t retain their seats in government. The only saving grace is that these Republicans will be the instrument of their own political demise.”

Sen. Barbara Boxer (D-Calif) also waded into the controversy and called efforts to defund Planned Parenthood “a vicious attack on women’s health. The GOP would like to pose as a champion of the defenseless fetuses. At best, only half of these fetuses could have become women. But all of those getting abortions are women. Cutting funding to Planned Parenthood would force their customers to seek other places to perform their abortions—places whose commitment to progressive values may not be as clear and firm as Planned Parenthood’s.”

In related news, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) vowed that he would not allow efforts to revoke or reduce Planned Parenthood’s federal subsidies to imperil the operation of the government. “Tragic as the loss of hundreds of thousands of innocent lives at the hands of this depraved organization may be, we must not permit our emotions to overrule our heads,” he declared. “Tens of millions depend on government for their subsistence—both welfare recipients and federal employees. And a long list of corporations depend on government contracts to meet their payrolls and pay their investors. The greater good of this greater number has to take priority over the interests of the smaller number of potential persons terminated and dissected by Planned Parenthood.”

Crimes Committed by Illegals “an Acceptable Cost” Says Congressman

Rep. Luis Gutierrez (D-Ill) told Spanish channel Telemundo that “we shouldn’t overreact to a little thing like the murder of Kate Steinle” by a criminal illegal alien. Gutierrez advised that “we need to keep things in proper perspective. The thousands of crimes committed by the those who enter this country without permission should be weighed against the benefits to the tens of millions who don’t commit crimes.”

“Why should the much larger number of poor and oppressed people seeking refuge in the United States be deported and denied the food, housing, education, and medical care they so desperately need just because some of those who accompanied them in their journey turn out to be rapists and murderers?” the Congressman asked. “Are there not also rapists and murderers among those born in this country? We don’t use this as an argument against allowing the native born to receive government benefits, why should we use it against allowing the foreign born to receive government benefits?”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Kerry Insists that ‘Death to America’ Is Just Rhetoric

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnIn his continuing quest to sell Congress on what House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) labeled a “diplomatic masterpiece,” Secretary of State John Kerry tried to reassure the House Foreign Affairs Committee that Iran’s vow to take down the United States is “mere rhetoric for domestic consumption.”

Surely, members of Congress are aware that from time to time it is necessary to espouse policies that we have no real intention of implementing,” Kerry said. “I’ve lost count of the number of times that various spokesmen for the GOP have pledged to repeal Obamacare or to build a border fence. Yet, neither of these promises have gone beyond mere rhetoric. Obviously, the purpose of such rhetoric is to placate their domestic supporters. I suggest we view the infamous ‘death to America’ slogan shouted by mobs in Iran in a similar light.”

Ali Hosseini Khamenei, Supreme Leader of Iran, took issue with Kerry’s “ignorant and misguided assertion. Unlike Americans, we are not impotent mouthers of vacuous platitudes. Our battle with America will not end until the evil that it represents is exterminated. The lifting of sanctions recently approved by the United Nations is an important step toward our ultimate victory.”

In addition, Iran’s General Hossein Salami expressed confidence that “we will strike a blow that will be more shocking and more devastating than the 1941 attack on Pearl Harbor. Unlike the Japanese, we will not confine ourselves to strictly military targets. Our slaughter of the most vulnerable women and children will land a crushing and demoralizing blow from which the United States cannot recover.”

Obama Admin to Investigate Killing of Lion in Zimbabwe

Director of the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service Dan Ashe announced that his agency has opened an investigation of the “tragic killing” of Cecil the lion by American dentist Walter Palmer. Cecil was a major attraction at the Hwange National Park in Matabeleland North, Zimbabwe. Palmer reportedly paid some locals $50,000 to lure the lion outside the park. Palmer then killed the lion with an arrow.

Ashe characterized the killing as “a senseless act of cruelty against an innocent animal. It has shocked the world in a way that no other act has in recent memory. It is imperative that swift and severe repercussions be meted out lest others be emboldened to carry out similar atrocities.”

The enthusiasm with which the Administration has taken up the cause of justice for Cecil stands in stark contrast to its more blasé attitude toward recent revelations of the ghoulish activities undertaken by Planned Parenthood, where organs harvested from abortions are covertly sold.

Press Secretary Josh Earnest attempted to explain the disparity by insisting that “the President is persuaded that Planned Parenthood has always acted with the utmost integrity and compassion. This organization’s selfless concern for the welfare of women is nothing like the crass selfishness displayed by Dr. Palmer. He killed this lion for personal pleasure. Planned Parenthood repurposes unwanted human tissue for the benefit of mankind.”

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) concurred in Earnest’s assessment and called efforts to defund Planned Parenthood “a distraction from the more serious matter of animal abuse exemplified by Dr. Palmer. It is essential that we do everything in our power to protect species endangered by human encroachment on their habitat. In this regard, Planned Parenthood’s termination of surplus humans must be seen as a crucial component of the battle against climate change. That some would seek to penalize this great organization by withdrawing taxpayer support just because they are seeking another revenue source by selling discarded fetuses is criminal.”

Senate Republican Mark Kirk (Illinois) called the uproar over Planned Parenthood’s trafficking in human baby parts “illogical. If an abortion is merely the exaction of unwanted tissue, how can the sale of this medical waste be wrong? I can’t really grasp why people are getting so upset about it. Any extra revenues Planned Parenthood can obtain in this manner reduces the burden we’re obliged to impose on taxpayers to fund the organization.”

In related news, Sen Kirsten Gillibrand (D-NY) sent out a fund-raising email asking supporters to donate to her reelection campaign so she “can continue to battle against those who would use Planned Parenthood’s ‘good faith effort’ to secure its financial well-being through the sale of what would otherwise just be thrown in the trash. If you value the role Planned Parenthood has played in our goal of achieving a more caring community please make a contribution today.”

Rival Says Trump “Too Mean” to Be President

Presidential candidate Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) warned GOP voters against making Donald Trump the Party’s nominee for the 2016 election.

The man is too doggone mean to be president,” Graham complained. “It isn’t just the fact that he’s egregiously insulted me—a sitting senator. He’s insulting everyone. He’s insulted immigrant rapists and murderers while completely overlooking the crimes committed by native-born rapists and murderers. He’s insulted the Chinese, implying that their trade policies are unfair. This is no way to build bridges.”

Perhaps the worst offense is Trump’s lack of respect for President Obama,” the Senator continued. “The President is a decent man and a good friend of mine. Sure, he’s made a few mistakes, but his heart is in the right place. Yet, according to Mr. Trump, President Obama has been a complete disaster—lying and blundering his way toward degrading this great country.”

Graham acknowledged his below single-digit standing in the polls, but held out hope that, in time, his long record of service would come to be appreciated by voters. “Unlike Mr. Trump, I have won many elections,” he pointed out. “This demonstrated success gives me staying power for the long haul. We’ll see a year from now who’s still in the race—the loud-mouthed political novice or the well-respected senator from South Carolina.”

Planned Parenthood Says Videos Bigger Threat than Bombings

Reeling from the negative publicity generated by videos showing the organization haggling over the price of baby parts resulting from abortions, Planned Parenthood president Cecile Richards characterized the videos as “possibly worse than the spate of bombings of abortion clinics a few years back.”

The big downside of the bombings was the loss of life of doctors, nurses, and others dedicated to improving women’s health,” Richards observed. “Bad as this was, it was at least partially offset by the wave of sympathy these deaths earned for our organization. With the videos, though, there is no offset. It’s all downside. It creates the impression that we are callous toward the human remains of those proto-persons we’ve terminated.”

The challenge now is for us to try to head off an unwarranted reverence for the removed tissues,” Richards said. “People don’t get worked up when other tissues—like tumors or necroses—are removed from their human hosts. If those trying to make the case that we are murdering human infants win the day our business cannot survive.”

To try to regain control over the narrative, Planned Parenthood has circulated a memo to media outlets begging them to not air anymore videos on the grounds that “they were recorded without our consent. It was our reasonable expectation that these very sensitive discussions would be private and confidential. The Center for Medical Progress violated these expectations by covertly taping these private and confidential meetings. To air these ill-gotten videos would only serve to reward this heinous invasion of our privacy.”

Judge Rules Government Has Right to Know Who Its Opponents Are

U.S. District Judge Sidney Stein ordered Citizens United to turn over the names, addresses, and amounts of money contributed to the organization by its donors to New York Attorney General Eric Schneiderman.

It is clear that the activities of Citizen’s United, if successful, would result in a serious obstacle to the government’s interests,” Judge Stein wrote. “The government’s ability to fend off this threat is hampered by the anonymity of this organization’s supporters. If people want to oppose the government they should come out of the shadows.”

Stein dismissed fears that the government might take reprisals against its opponents as “cowardly. Did John Hancock, Thomas Jefferson, John Adams and the others try to hide behind anonymity when they signed the Declaration of Independence? No. They proclaimed their opposition to the government and took their chances. If the supporters of Citizen United are so fearful of the consequences of supporting anti-government propaganda maybe they should just be quiet and let the government run the country as it sees fit.”

Hillary’s Gap Nearly 5,000 Times as Large as Nixon’s

In the painfully slow release of former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s official emails, House investigators have discovered a two-month gap. This is nearly 5,000 times the size of the famous “18 minute gap” on White House tapes during the Watergate scandal. Partly because of that 18 minute gap President Nixon ultimately resigned in 1974 to avoid being impeached.

All of Clinton’s Department of State email correspondence for May and June 2012 is missing. As chance would have it, this period coincides with a time of rising tensions in Libya during which others contend that they passed warnings up the line to the Secretary.

On May 22, the International Red Cross office was hit by rocket-propelled grenades. On June 6, an improvised explosive device was detonated outside the consulate. One would have thought these events might have generated some email traffic to and from the Secretary. It was during this period that US Ambassador Christopher Stevens is believed to have requested more security for the embassy and consulate.

On September 11, 2012, Stevens, along with three other Americans were killed by Muslim insurgents. At that time Secretary Clinton sprung into action assuring the world that these deaths were “the unfortunate byproduct of a peaceful demonstration gone wrong when local Muslims became incensed over a video mocking Mohammed”–a cover story that was later shown to be false.

For her part, the former Secretary insists that “there is no gap. As I recall, I was engaged in thinking about other issues—maybe my daughter’s wedding, or pregnancy, or something like that. All the emails relating to my private, non-governmental thoughts and issues during that time period were, naturally, deleted as a matter of personal privacy.”

Despite the Secretary’s apparent memory lapse or mental confusion, her doctor–Lisa Bardack, a physician in Mount Kisco, N.Y.–has pronounced Mrs. Clinton “fit to serve as president of the United States.”

Meanwhile, the Hillary for president campaign has released its price list for supporters wanting to interact with the candidate. A selfie with Hillary costs $2700. A picture with her autograph is $1000. A handshake and a simulated smile is $500. You can get the candidate to point at you from the podium for $100. A simple wave of her hand in your general direction can be had for the bargain rate of $25 per flap. If she looks toward where you are sitting or standing in the crowd, campaign staff will stop by later to collect $10 from you.

Obama Unimpressed with Current Roster of Presidential Candidates

In remarks at the African Union meeting in Ethiopia this week, President Obama lamented “the sorry slate of candidates seeking to succeed me. To be honest, there is no one worthy to follow the path I have blazed. I may have to consider running for reelection.”

Obama brushed aside the Constitutional provision prohibiting him from seeking another term as “a dangerous and unnecessary impediment” that might have to be altered “for the sake of humanity. You know, the guys who wrote the Constitution in 1787 didn’t see fit to limit the chief executive to any set number of terms. The Amendment restricting a person to two terms was the work of lesser men reacting to the unprecedented and awesome four terms to which Franklin Roosevelt was elected. Had FDR been limited to two terms we might never have emerged from the Great Depression or won World War II.”

The president said that while he is not yet ready to take the appropriate executive action to set aside the term limit restriction, he vowed not to hesitate if “the options available to voters continue to remain as lackluster as they currently are.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

DHS Documents Show 260 Criminal Illegal Aliens Criminals Released in Arizona in Just Three Weeks

Judicial Watch announced it obtained records from the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) revealing that nearly 260 illegal alien criminals, including 40 incarcerated for violent crimes, were released from Arizona detention facilities during the last week of February and the first two weeks of March 2013. After first denying that the mass release had taken place, the Obama administration claimed the releases were due to the anticipated sequestration budget cuts. The newly obtained records were uncovered because of a Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) lawsuit filed by Judicial Watch on behalf of Edward Tuffly, a Tucson, AZ, resident (Edward “Bud” Tuffly v. U. S. Department of Homeland Security (No. 2:15-cv-00067)).

Judicial Watch filed the lawsuit for Mr. Tuffly in January 2015 after DHS failed to respond to his November 10, 2014, FOIA request of U.S. Immigrations and Customs Enforcement (ICE) seeking the following information:

  • Records sufficient to identify all ICE detainees released in late February or early March 2013 from the following detention facilities due to alleged fiscal or budget uncertainty: (a) Central Arizona Correctional Center in Florence, Arizona: (b) Eloy Detention Center in Eloy, Arizona; (c) Florence Correctional Center in Florence, Arizona; (d) Florence SPC in Florence, Arizona; and (e) Pinal County Adult Detention Center in Florence, Arizona.
  • For each detainee identified in response to Request No.1, the I-213 form(s) documenting the detainee’s arrest.
  • For each detainee identified in response to Request No.1, records sufficient to identify: (a) the date the detainee was released; (b) the facility from which the detainee was released; (c) the detainee’s criminal history or criminal charges at the time of release; (d) methods of supervision to which the detainee was subjected; and (e) whether the detainee appeared for subsequent removal or other proceedings and/or was removed from the United States.

The date range for the requested records was February 22 through March 15, 2013. This was the period during which DHS released more than 2000 illegal aliens nationwide, later claiming the release was “solely for budgetary reasons,” though none of the anticipated sequestration budget cuts had yet taken place.

Among the nearly 260 illegal aliens released from five Arizona correction facilities at the time were nearly 40 violent criminals who had been arrested for crimes including assault, domestic violence, weapons offenses, and battery. Nearly one in five had been arrested for drunk driving. The full list is below:

Traffic Offense:  57

Driving Under Influence Liquor: 55

Disorderly Conduct: 15

Failure to Appear: 14

Illegal Entry: 13

Assault: 9

Drug Trafficking: 9

Shoplifting: 8

Larceny: 8

Making False Report: 6

Drug Possession: 6

Weapons Offense: 6

Forgery: 5

Domestic Violence: 4

Trespassing: 4

Damage Property: 4

Prostitution: 4

Liquor: 3

Marijuana: 3

Damage Property—Private: 3

Probation Violation: 3

Liquor Possession: 2

Identity Theft: 2

Battery: 2

Contributing to Delinquency of Minor: 2

Commercial Sex: 2

Fraud—False Statement: 2

Fraud—Impersonating: 2

Public Order Crimes: 2

Violation of a Court Order: 2

Robbery—Street Gun: 2

Robbery: 2

Narcotics Equip—Possession: 2

Intimidation: 2

Morals—Decency Crimes:  1

Identity Theft: 1

Cruelty Toward Wife: 1

Smuggling: 1

Smuggling Aliens: 1

Fraud: 1

Licensing Offense: 1

Stolen Vehicle: 1

Licensing Violation: 1

Obstruct Criminal Investigation: 1

Firing Weapon: 1

Resisting Officer: 1

Burglary Tools—Possession: 1

Threat to Burn: 1

Receive Stolen Property: 1

Hit and Run: 1

Obstruct Police: 1

Possession of a Weapon: 1

The Obama administration is refusing to divulge the names of the released criminals, which prevents law enforcement from protecting the public or notifying victims. Local authorities in Arizona, such as Pinal County Sheriff Paul Babeu, have tried unsuccessfully to obtain information about this and other criminal alien releases by the Obama administration.  In 2014, a Judicial Watch lawsuit forced the release of 76 pages of Department of Homeland Security (DHS) documents revealing that as of April 2014, ICE had released 165,900 convicted criminal aliens throughout the United States, including many convicted of such violent crimes as homicide, sexual assault, kidnapping, and aggravated assault.

Judicial Watch is a long-time national leader in advocating for the rule-of-law approach to illegal immigration.  This work includes exposing and challenging dangerous sanctuary policies in Pennsylvania, Virginia, Washington, D.C., Maryland, Arizona, Los Angeles, Chicago, Houston, and more.  For example, in 2011, as a result of Judicial Watch’s work, San Francisco was ordered to end its sanctuary policy that protected aliens arrested for certain drug offenses from being reported to ICE.

Judicial Watch also filed a lawsuit in Chicago challenging Cook County Sheriff Tom Dart’s refusal to honor ICE immigration detainers or cooperate with U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) in identifying deportable criminal aliens.  Cook County jails have released well over 1,000 criminal aliens sought by ICE in the 18 months prior the lawsuit’s filing in 2013.  The suit is now before the Illinois Supreme Court.

The lawsuit, Brian McCann v. Thomas J. Dart, is on behalf of lifetime Chicago resident Brian McCann, whose brother William “Denny” McCann, was run over and killed in June 2011 by an unlawfully present criminal alien who had just completed a two-year term of probation for a 2009 DUI conviction.  The alien, Saul Chavez, was charged with felony aggravated driving under the influence, but was released by the Sheriff from a Cook County jail in November 2011 despite an ICE immigration detainer.

“The Obama Administration is obsessed with supporting nationwide sanctuary and unlawful amnesty for illegal aliens – even illegal aliens who have committed violent crimes,” said Judicial Watch President Tom Fitton.  “These new documents show the Obama administration’s soft-on-crime approach to illegal alien crime is a clear and present danger to the safety of innocent Americans.”

Illegal Aliens Committing Highly Disproportionate Number of Crimes in Obama’s U.S.A.

Illegal aliens make up just 3.5 percent of the people in the U.S. But they are committing 37 percent of the crimes.

What’s more is illegals are committing:

  • 16.8 percent of drug trafficking cases,
  • 20.0 percent of kidnapping/hostage taking,
  • 74.1 percent of drug possession,
  • 12.3 percent of money laundering, and
  • 12.0 percent of murder convictions.

So the population one-thirty-third of the country and you have illegal aliens committing one-sixth of drug trafficking crimes … one-fifth of the kidnapping … three-fourths of the drug possession … and one-eighth of both the money laundering and murder convictions.

Is this what is meant by “doing the jobs Americans won’t do?”

When is this nation going to start protecting American citizens?

Release of Illegal Alien Criminals Called ‘Humanitarian’

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent NewsJohn

The Obama Administration’s release of illegal immigrants who went on to commit more than 100 murders was defended on “humanitarian” grounds by ICE Director Sarah Saldana.

These individuals all faced prison in their home countries,” Saldana said. “These foreign prisons are not like our prisons. There’s no exercise equipment and no satellite TV. Sanitation and hygiene are of the lowest sort imaginable. Sending these people to those Hellholes would have been inhumane.”

The inhumanity of the murders subsequently committed against Americans by the release of these foreign criminals was labeled “a tolerable risk” by the ICE Director. “Compared to the countries they came from, the United States has a lower crime rate,” she pointed out. “On top of that, police in the US have a better chance of apprehending suspects. The very fact that we know of the 120 murders they’ve perpetrated since their release proves that. So, from a global perspective, the burden of criminal predation has been more equitably distributed than it otherwise would’ve been if we had simply bused these foreign felons across the border.”

Saldana rejected criticisms that she characterized as “selfish and parochial. The contention that our first duty is to protect Americans is mistaken. As President Obama has made clear, we are citizens of the world first. We cannot shrug off our obligation to promote the greater good of the whole. The damage these miscreants would have done in their Third World home countries would have been far greater.”

In related news, Democratic presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton blamed Dylann Roof’s massacre of nine unarmed members of a Charleston, South Carolina church on Republican presidential aspirant Donald Trump’s anti-immigration rhetoric. “Opposition to the free flow of migrants across borders stirs up the sort of racist violence we saw in South Carolina this week,” she alleged. “Such talk shouldn’t be allowed in a free country.”

Study Shows Belgian Patients Euthanized without their Consent

Belgium passed its Euthanasia Act in 2002. A study published in this month’s Journal of Medical Ethics by Raphael Cohen-Almagor revealed that despite the law’s requirement that patients voluntarily give their consent to the procedure, many are euthanized without giving consent. The decision to euthanize was not discussed with the patient in nearly 80% of the cases of patients over 80 years old.

Dr. Pierre Tueur estimated that “I have probably performed more than 300 of these procedures on patients incapable of giving informed consent. In cases where the patient is unconscious, demented, or unreasonably frightened of death, I feel it would be against the patient’s best interest for him to be burdened by such a decision.”

Tueur maintained that the “voluntary” requirement of the law was met “when the person checks himself into the hospital. He comes to us seeking our professional expertise. When it becomes clear to us that further life would be too painful or unworthy it is our professional obligation to mercifully end it.”

Individuals who have become more of a burden than a benefit to the collective well-being of society have a moral duty to exit,” Tueur argued. “Moral obtuseness of the individual does not negate this duty. Those of us who have been trained in the science of medicine must step forward to ensure this duty is fulfilled.”

Disgraced NBC Anchorman Moves to MSNBC

Dismissed from his post at NBC’s Nightly News for making up stories, Brian Williams has been reassigned to the company’s floundering cable channel where he has vowed “to reclaim my reputation, one viewer at a time.” Whether Williams will be able to accomplish was thrown into doubt by his stubborn insistence that his on-the-air fabrications “weren’t intended to mislead people.”

Fiction isn’t inherently untrue,” Williams observed. “Many novels and movies portray deeper truths via fictional characters and events. We don’t deride Mark Twain or Steven Spielberg for making up stuff. While I don’t claim to be as good at it as them, I don’t think I’ve deserved all the negative vibes I’ve gotten.”

As an example of a “deeper truth” that his fiction helped elicit, Williams pointed to his reporting on Hurricane Katrina’s effects on New Orleans in 2005. “Admittedly, I didn’t see any bodies floating in the streets,” he acknowledged. “But it was a big flood and there could have been bodies that I didn’t see. The important point I was trying to make was that President Bush should be held accountable for the disaster.”

While Bush’s culpability might have been clear to Williams’ addled way of thinking, the reality was more complex. Yes, Bush was president when the hurricane hit the city, but Bush had no control over the path of the storm. The City’s vulnerability to flooding was decades in the making as state and local politicians squandered multiple opportunities to shore up levees.

For his part, former President Bush wished Williams “luck with his quest to restore his reputation” and allowed that “his estimate that he’ll do it one viewer at a time seems to be an accurate assessment based on the size of MSNBC’s audience.”

Rise in Sexual Harassment Cases at State Department

In 2014, under the leadership of John Kerry, 248 sexual harassment cases were filed at the US Department of State. This is considerably higher than the 88 cases filed in 2011 under the leadership of Hillary Clinton.

Kerry attributed the bulge in complaints to “employees’ misunderstanding of new training protocols I’ve introduced. It is not a scandal.”

According to the Secretary, the new protocols “involve intentionally stressful interactions carried out under my orders. If you’re going to work for the Department you must learn skills of diplomacy. Being diplomatic in circumstances where everyone behaves politely and appropriately is no challenge. It’s when someone crosses the line that the utmost test of these skills comes into play.”

In many of the countries we have to deal with women are regarded as subservient vessels for the pleasure and amusement of men,” Kerry observed. “Our female employees’ first experience with such denigration shouldn’t be after they’ve gone into the field. Likewise, in many other countries homosexuals are put to death. Homosexuals working in the State Department must be trained to conceal their sexual identities before we send them into the field to negotiate with these countries.”

Instead of complaining about the training, employees should be thankful I’m making the effort,” the Secretary asserted. “Let’s not forget that our gay Ambassador Christopher Stevens didn’t have the benefit of this training and ultimately was killed by Islamic homophobes under my predecessor’s watch.”

Leading Dems OK with Clinton Foundation Influence Peddling

Despite former Clinton administration official Robert Reich’s reservations about “the apparent impropriety of a husband of a potential future president accepting money from foreign governments and big corporations for ‘speeches’ that hardly seem worth listening to, much less paying for,” key Democrats think its okay.

Bringing money into America from a foreign government boosts our economy,” said Rep. Stephen Lynch (D-Mass). “If it’s trying to buy a policy that Hillary was going to follow anyway, well, that’s just ‘found money.’ And if it’s for a policy that Hillary doesn’t like, well, she can always welsh on the deal.”

People have a right to earn a living,” said Rep. Keith Ellison (D-Minn). “If someone is willing to pay a quarter of a million dollars to listen to a one-hour speech, well, it’s their money. They may think they’re gaining access to favors, but based on the Clintons’ track record, I think relying on such a quid-pro-quo is a long shot.”

Rep. Gene Green (D-Texas) said he is “confident that any money ending up in the hands of the Clintons will be put to good use. Even if only a tiny fraction is used for charity that’s still more than these charities might have gotten anyway. And keeping the Clintons relevant is an investment in America’s future. There may come a day when the nation sorely needs the skills that Chelsea can bring to the table.”

Rep. Dutch Ruppersberger (D-Md) blamed the public’s low trust in Hillary (57% of poll respondents don’t think she’s honest) on “the media’s right-wing bias. The vast right wing conspiracy that tried to hound Bill out of office for consensual sex with Monica are trying to block Hillary’s path to the White House now. That’s the real scandal here.”

Trump Enters Presidential Race

Real estate baron and reality TV star Donald Trump threw his hat into the ring in the race for the 2016 GOP presidential nomination this week. In his announcement in front of a crowd—many of whom were paid $50 apiece to cheer him on—Trump pledged to secure government entitlements.

With the other Republicans in the race, you never know whether they might end up cutting or privatizing Social Security, Medicare, or Medicaid,” Trump alleged. “Right here and right now I’m promising that these programs will be fully funded for as long as there is money to pay for them.”

Trump attempted to bolster the credibility of this promise by asking Oprah Winfrey to be his vice-presidential running mate. “Oprah gives away a lot of stuff to her TV audience,” Trump reminded. “It’s time we broaden the base to include every American as a recipient of her generosity.”

Trump further contrasted his “take no prisoners management style with that of President Obama’s ‘limp wristed’ inability to get Congress to bend to his will. If Congress can’t carry their weight I won’t be afraid to fire them. Everyone in America has seen me fire poor performers on The Apprentice. There should be no doubt that I’ve got what it takes to get results.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.