Editor’s Note: The following is a satire written for the purpose of providing a concrete strategy for the conservative movement to assure that the Republican Party not only does not field another lackluster, losing candidate in the 2016 presidential election, but instead nominates a highly electable candidate with the right qualifications:
October 1, 2015
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE The Conservative Coalition
Today the Conservative Coalition trimmed a current governor and two former governors, a former senator and a billionaire from the Republican presidential nominee sweepstakes.
Gone from contention for the GOP’s presidential nomination are ex-governors Mike Huckabee, Rick Perry, former U.S. Senator Rick Santorum, Ohio Gov. John Kasich, former New York Cong. Peter King and Donald Trump.
A still badly overcrowded Republican field remains in contention amidst plans to steadily pare it down in the months to come.
Remaining Conservative Coalition candidates are Senator Ted Cruz, Senator Marco Rubio, Dr. Benjamin Carson, Carly Fiorina, Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal and Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker.
Former Gov. Jeb Bush, current New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie, U.S. Senator Lindsey Graham, and former New York Gov. George Pataki did not meet, nor did they express any interest in, participating in the Conservative Coalition competition.
U.S. Senator Rand Paul chose not to participate in the Conservative Coalition.
Now in its first go-round, the Conservative Coalition is an effort to narrow down the conservative field of candidates in time to ward off growing strength by a candidate who turns off the GOP’s conservative base. This is the plan to prevent another losing candidacy in the mold of weak candidates Bob Dole, John McCain and Mitt Romney, all of whom failed to ignite the party base in their losing and unimpressive campaigns.
Conservative Coalition participants agreed to the winnowing down process in the interests of allowing a competition within the greater competition to assure the emergence of one strong conservative candidate with the best chance of winning the party nomination and ultimately the presidential election.
The next elimination date is December 1, 2015, when the coalition field will be cut down to four. After that, any candidate generating single digits in a state primary agrees to drop out.
The final decision to narrow down to one conservative candidate will occur March 1, 2016. Criteria will include a weighted combination of reputable national polling results, primary victories, and fundraising.
Some 40 additional GOP candidates, largely unknown, were also eliminated in today’s Conservative Coalition announcement.
The Conservative Coalition will issue the results of the next cut-down on December 1. Please consider supporting the Conservative Coalition and participating in the strategy to select a winning, conservative candidate with the right values and plans for America.
Former U.S. Senator Rick Santorum just dropped me a line, asking me to tell him whether or not he should run for president. You might be interested in my response:
Dear Mr. Santorum,
Thank you for contacting me for my opinion. I must tell you that I voted “no.” You are a man of integrity and honor, and I respect you greatly. I was very glad you won the Iowa Caucus in 2012. However, we have too many candidates on the GOP side carving up the support and the campaign money. It is time to yield to new candidates like Dr. Carson and Sen. Cruz this time around. The best thing you and several others can do is to build a conservative coalition and do all in your power to see that one strong conservative candidate emerges to take on and defeat party elites like Jeb Bush. We need a strong candidate who will have the wisdom and courage to move a stagnant, declining nation ahead in the next eight years. The Democrats have badly damaged American and sent our trajectory spiraling downward. I hope you will sacrifice your own ambitions and emerge as one of the leaders of the conservative coalition on behalf of the nation that is so starved for a leader with integrity who will put America first. You can accomplish more as a non-candidate this year to help assure one strong leader emerges who is right for America at this time. Thank you for your consideration.
Always believe the opposite of what President Barack Obama says. He shot off his mouth about his socialized Big Government healthcare system, and now after five years, virtually all of his claims have been demonstrably false. Here’s the skinny.
Please tell Mitt Romney not to run for president again.
He campaigned mainly just in key battleground states, and he lost several of those contests.
He is not serious about the social problems gripping America.
A more well-rounded conservative candidate who has America’s best interests in mind — those in all 50 states and the interests of the most vulnerable Americans — is what we need in a winning candidate for the White House in 2016.
Dr. Ben Carson and Sen. Ted Cruz are the candidates who best meet these requirements.
By John Semmens –Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
The emergence of a convenience store security video tape of Michael Brown roughing up the shopkeeper and stealing boxes of cigars was said to vindicate the looting rampage that followed his being shot by police.
“All those stuffed shirts saying that our robbing stores was an inappropriate expression of our anger and grief were dead wrong,” asserted a self-identified looter who says her name is Jihadena. “One of the last things Michael did before he was gunned down was rob a store. We’re just doing the work he no longer can do. What could be a more fitting tribute to his memory?”
Jihadena challenged the characterization of Brown as a common thug, insisting that “he was a guerrilla for social justice. President Obama promised transformation, but where are our reparations for slavery? Where is the equal distribution of wealth? That convenience store had plenty of cigars. What’s wrong with Michael taking the initiative to redistribute a few of them?”
The image of Michael Brown as the liberator of cigars from the clutches of an Asian profiteer clashes with Al Sharpton’s allegation of “a massive conspiracy to assassinate this young man’s character. That video could’ve been photo-shopped. The witnesses to the robbery could’ve been coached. Michael’s criminal history could be fabricated. Besides, even if he did rob that store since when do we have the death penalty for stealing cigars?”
In related news, U.S. District Judge Catherine Blake ruled that Maryland may ban assault rifles. “These weapons are inappropriate for hunting and they are too cumbersome for personal self defense,” Blake asserted. “Their chief selling point seems to be that they would enable a citizen to resist government authority. As such, these weapons do not qualify for protection under the ‘right to bear arms’ clause of the Constitution.”
Kerry Makes Case for Global Warming as Mankind’s Greatest Threat
US Secretary of State John Kerry continues to baffle observers by insisting that “global warming is, by far, the greatest threat mankind faces in the 21st century.”
“The reason should be obvious from the term ‘global’ warming,” Kerry said. “This means that it affects everyone. This has to put it ahead of dangers that afflict necessarily narrower categories of victims. The beheading of innocent children by ISIS in Iraq, for example, only affects thousands of people.”
“The threat to wipe Israel off the map and exterminate the Jews, at worst, would entail the deaths of only a few million,” Kerry continued. “Juxtaposed to this limited atrocity, the ecological damage from global warming is vaster by an order of magnitude. Billions will be faced with excruciatingly relentless rises in temperature. Trying to stay cool will be an endless task. The cost and discomfort of attempting to cope will easily outweigh the momentary pain of being blown apart by a suicide bomber or having your throat slit by a jihadi.”
“In a way it could be said that massacres serve to ameliorate the impact of global warming,” Kerry pointed out. “The fewer humans there are, the less pressure they will put on the ecosystem’s carrying power. So, while it is not their intent to fight global warming groups like ISIS and Hamas are inadvertently contributing toward a brighter future for the planet. We should not overlook this mitigating factor.”
While Kerry appears to imagine himself a great thinker able to see past the “minor skirmishes” that most see as the main concern of the nation’s chief diplomat, a recent editorial in Investors Business Daily characterized his contention that global warming is the more serious threat as “dangerously moronic.”
Kerry does appear to be at some risk of getting out of step with his boss, though. Just this week President Obama declared “conservative maximalists” to be the biggest threat. “The essence of a successful community is universal cooperation for the collective benefit of all,” the President said. “This requires compromise. Yet, there is a contingent within that continues to take the extreme position that certain so-called fundamental rights are immutable. This contingent of conservative maximalists is more dangerous than any other enemy we face.”
Hamas Extends “Gift of Martyrdom” to Tunnel Diggers
Concerned that dozens of low-wage workers who built the maze of tunnels from the Gaza strip into Israel might reveal the locations to enemy forces, the Hamas leadership ordered their execution.
Hamas spokesman Khaled Mashal justified this seemingly ungrateful reward as “a necessary precaution. There are those who would say that the measures we took to prevent these diggers’ knowledge of the tunnels’ locations ought to be sufficient. Yes, the workers were blindfolded before being led to and from where they were told to dig making it exceedingly improbable that any of them could lead an Israeli to a tunnel location. But their death makes it impossible for them to reveal any location.”
“Only infidels would consider our action in this matter cruel,” Mashal maintained. “We have released these men from a harsh life of poverty—they did this backbreaking work at a wage of $1 per hour—and given them the gift of martyrdom. As we speak they are all enjoying the pleasures of copulating with virgins that Allah promised.”
Mashal did permit himself a mild chuckle as he described the miners’ last moments: “As we blindfolded them to lead them away to execution many talked excitedly of what they would buy with the wages they expected for more digging. Not one suspected the surprise we had in store. It was most amusing.”
Dems Push for Federal Funding of Abortions
Representatives Mike Honda (D-Calif), Barbara Lee (D-Calif), Jan Schakowsky (D-Ill), Louise Slaughter (D-NY), and Jackie Speier (D-Calif) are going on a 10,000 mile bus tour to drum up support for repealing the current ban on federation money being spent for abortions.
“The issue is one of simple justice,” Lee argued. “Why should the option of escaping an unwanted pregnancy be denied to women who can’t afford to pay for it? Human rights shouldn’t come with a price tag. Criminals who can’t afford a lawyer get one at taxpayer expense. Why shouldn’t innocent women be treated as well?”
“We should fund every abortion we can afford,” was Slaughter’s take. “Every child born is another mouth to feed. Would-be mothers who can’t afford abortions will end up giving birth to children they can’t afford. The cost of rearing a child to adulthood dwarfs the cost of an abortion. I challenge my GOP colleagues to do the math and support federal aid for abortion as the fiscally responsible thing to do.”
A “more civilized society” was Rep. Schakowsky’s goal. “Unwanted pregnancies destroy lives,” she contended. “The first victim is the mother who is burdened by a child she does not want. The second victim is the unwanted child who grows up in poverty. The third victim is the innocent bystander who is a casualty of the violent underclass peppered with individuals who would’ve been aborted if the funding had been available.”
The bus tour of these luminaries of contemporary moral philosophy began in Los Angeles, California August 9 and is expected to arrive in Washington, DC in mid September after stops in 12 cities along the way.
Hillary and Barack Hug Away Kerfuffle
This week former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton stirred up a kerfuffle in an interview published in The Atlantic magazine by implying that the Obama Administration’s foreign policy was “a directionless mess.” President Obama angrily rebuffed Clinton’s remarks as “horse shit.”
However, the soothing ambiance of a gathering at a posh Martha’s Vineyard resort has dampened down combative tempers on both sides. As a spokesman for Hillary explained, “it was a case of public perception vs. core reality. Given the President’s abysmal voter approval ratings it is imperative that any Democrat who hopes to win an upcoming distance herself from the President’s negative public image.”
“There is no fundamental difference between the policies that President Obama and Secretary Clinton have pursued and the policies that a future President Hillary Clinton will pursue,” the spokesman said. “But the only chance of continuing those policies is for Hillary to prevail in the 2016 election. Once President Obama was reassured on this he acquiesced to the strategy.”
President Laments “Balkanization” of Media
The low cost of communication over the Internet has led to “a dangerous proliferation of voices” according to President Obama. “It used to be that everyone got their view of the news from major media outlets,” Obama recounted. “There was more unanimity of message. This helped bring the country together.”
“Now, though, any nobody with a little free time can get a website and pontificate for all the world to see,” the President complained. “We have no way to control what is said and we lack the time and energy to refute every erroneous idea or contention that is made.”
The President’s lamentation may be answered, though. The Internet Tax Freedom Act is due to expire November 1. This law blocks states from assessing taxes on Internet use. The House of Representatives has dealt with this issue by passing the Permanent Internet Tax Freedom Act (PITFA). PITFA is currently one of 300 House-passed bills being blocked by Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev).
“The President isn’t the only one suffering a barrage of criticisms from pipsqueak yahoos on the web, I’ve had my share of abuse too,” Read grumbled. “We’ll see how outspoken these guys are once the states start hitting them with a couple hundred dollars a year in Internet access taxes.”
While Reid was pessimistic about ever “restoring total order to the information arena” he evinced a degree of confidence that “between state taxes and an Executive cut-off switch we can winnow out a significant number of unwelcome participants in public policy debates.”
A Satirical Look at Recent News
John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.
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