Highlights of the September Dem Presidential Debate

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Further evidence that the roster of competitors for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination has no worthy candidates was exhibited as ten contenders offered their insane and tyrannical policy proposals in front of cheering Party faithful in Houston on Thursday.

So-called “moderate” former Vice-President Joe Biden asserted that “nobody should be in jail for a nonviolent crime. So some guy sneaks into your house and steals your stuff. Maybe he has a greater need for it than you do. Why should he go to prison for that? Chances are that most of these types of theft result in a more equal distribution of wealth. Isn’t that what all of us Democrats here tonight have been advocating? Granted, it would be more orderly for everyone to cooperate with our party’s plan to lawfully redistribute money, but we ought not punish those whose only fault is impatience.”

Former Texas Rep. Beto O’Rourke swears he will confiscate guns, saying “the current system where any law-abiding private citizen can own a firearm is f***ed up. So, Hell yes, I will end this travesty. The notion that citizens should have arms in order to deter the government from trampling their freedom is out-dated. Our government is a democracy. That means it represents the people. By definition, no action it takes after being voted into office can be tyrannical. Anyone who opposes government actions is a terrorist. Terrorists must be disarmed. If necessary, I will order US troops to go door-to-door to retrieve any guns not voluntarily surrendered. That is my pledge to the American people.”

Massachusetts Sen. Elizabeth Warren promised that “On my first day as president, I will sign an executive order that puts a total moratorium on all new fossil fuel leases for drilling offshore and on public lands. And I will ban fracking—everywhere. No business will be permitted to produce a product that consumers willingly buy if I determine that it is unnecessary. Historically, fossil fuels have led to too many bad habits. These include unnecessary travel that produces traffic jams and air pollution, excessive heating and cooling of buildings when simple reliance on appropriate garments would have sufficed, and lack of the kind of health benefits that daily exercise could have achieved if modern conveniences powered by electricity were unavailable.”

South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg asserted that “Trump’s attempts to limit immigration and build a wall to deter people from illegally entering the country are racist. Any voter who supports these policies is a racist. I agree with the Pope that every person in the world has a God-given right to emigrate to wherever he or she wants to live. We have no right to refuse to share the bounty that has been bestowed on us with anyone else who wants it. Most Americans have far more material possessions than they need or deserve. As the most devout Christian in this race, I am determined to see that these possessions are more equitably distributed to those in need.”

California Sen. Kamala Harris denounced local police, claiming that “they just harass people and take up space in poorer sections of our cities. I think we need to experiment with letting people in these neighborhoods police themselves. I’m confident that locals would arise and provide a kind of ‘street justice’ that would be more easily understood by the residents and enforced with less violence once the city police have been barred from these areas. The cumbersome process of arrest, trial, and incarceration would be displaced by a more efficient system.”

Former HUD Secretary Julian Castro accused Biden of being “a doddering fool” who is “incapable of completing a coherent thought without contradicting yourself halfway through your first sentence.” A gasp from the audience emboldened Biden to remark that “my mouth may run ahead of my brain sometimes, but at least I don’t have to stand on a box to try to convince myself that I’m big enough for the job of president.”

Meanwhile, excluded candidate Marianne Williamson inadvertently expressed her off-the-record mystification that “conservatives treat me nicer than the lefties do. My fellow Democrats are so mean.” After her observation was leaked to the media, Williamson was quick to absolve her fellow leftists by blaming “the negative aura that surrounds Trump for my bizarre earlier statement.” Despite this attempt to correct her thinking, it is not likely that she will be forgiven by her comrades in the Democratic Party.

California Set to Outlaw Independent Truckers

Democratic Gov. Gavin Newsom has said he will sign legislation that the California Trucking Association claims “will put tens of thousands of owner-operator truckers, who service agriculture, retail and other industry sectors, out of business.”

Newsom called owner-operated trucking “a no longer needed vestige of the past. I know that there is a certain kind of nostalgia for these modern day ‘cowboys’ driving goods around the state. But in the progressive future we envision for our state and the nation independent truckers are outside of the role required for a socially cooperative model of how the economy should operate. It should not be up to individual buyers and sellers to reach agreements on prices and routes for transporting commodities. Ideally, these determinations should be made by the government in order to ensure that resources are properly allocated to the most useful purposes.”

The governor tried to reassure independent truckers who have invested large sums to buy and operate their vehicles that “the government will purchase their trucks and hire the drivers to work as unionized employees. We will be converting them from being small-time capitalists into unionized members of a statewide drivers’ collective. They will be guaranteed fair wages and be relieved of the risks and uncertainties of independent operations.”

In other California news, Democrats in the California Senate gave party-line approval to a resolution demanding people of faith in the state change how they teach, preach, and counsel others related to LGBT identities and behaviors. Assemblyman Evan Low (D-San Jose), author of the resolution, argued that “our efforts to mold people’s minds to our way of thinking should not have to tolerate insidious and systemic contradictions from the pulpits of the state’s churches. Everyone needs to be on the same page if we are to overturn outmoded thinking about sex and gender.” Low admitted that “the current resolution doesn’t outlaw deviant preaching, per se. It is our hope that we can spark voluntary compliance and not have to go the route taken by the Chinese government to directly control religious doctrine via threat of punishment.”

GOP Pushes “Born Alive” Bill

After enduring more than 80 rejected requests for a hearing on their “Born-Alive Abortion Survivors Protection Act” bill, Republicans in the House of Representatives held their own “hearing” to call attention to their effort to pass this legislation. The legislation would require medical personnel engaged in performing abortions to render aid to any baby that survives the attempt to kill him or her.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) explained that “it is pointless for us to have hearings on a bill that will never be enacted. Our Democratic Caucus has already decided that once a woman has decided to abort her baby there should be no legal impediment to achieving the desired outcome. The fact that a small fraction of those targeted for termination accidentally escape the death that has been decreed for them doesn’t change the moral equation. No woman should have to endure the fate of unwillingly bringing another person into the world. Republican arguments that these abortion survivors could be raised by adoptive parents still inflicts the aborting mother with an unwanted inheritor of her genes existing somewhere in the world. This is wrong. We can never abide allowing the right to an abortion to be undermined in this way.”

Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Bernie Sanders praised Pelosi for “a courageous decision to uphold the principles of democratic socialism. The world is already severely overpopulated with wanted children. There is no good reason to add to this excess by saving the lives of children who are unwanted. Our progressive efforts to encourage women in Africa and Asia to abort more of their offspring would be muddled if we allow this Republican legislative monstrosity to take root in the United States.”

Dem Criticizes Bill of Rights

House Majority Whip James Clyburn (D-SC) says the Bill of Rights in the Constitution “does more harm than good in today’s society. When I see how people are abusing the Second Amendment. No telling what they’d do with the First Amendment. I think there would be a strong support against the Bill of Rights. I run into people every day who would like to see so much of those guarantees uprooted.”

The whip said he was “pleased to see such overwhelming support for severely restricting the right to bear arms from all of our Democratic presidential candidates. This unanimity stems from a perception of solid majorities who will vote for candidates who will take guns away from private citizens for their own good. In an ideal world, only the government would have firearms. This would greatly reduce unauthorized shootings while simultaneously reassuring armed government agents that resistance to their authority would be futile.”

“While the abuse of freedom of speech doesn’t have the immediate fatal impact that abuse of the right to bear arms does, the potential long-term consequences are just as concerning,” Clyburn added. “As we saw in Germany, the hate-filled speeches of a lone lunatic led to a worldwide conflict that cost the lives of millions. We have the technology now to police the statements of everyone in the country and can nip any bad ideas in the bud. We shouldn’t have to put up with the kind of anti-government views that seem to continually emanate from the right-wingers in our midst. I think if it were put on the ballot, voters would approve sensible censorship aimed at suppressing unacceptable political points of view.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. This post is also available on Facebook

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Failure to Disclose $26 Million in Bribes an “Oversight” Says CEO

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnRecent revelations that the Clinton Foundation neglected to report over $26 million in payments from major corporations, universities, foreign sources and other groups was characterized as “a mere oversight” by Foundation Chief Executive Officer Donna Shalala.

The Foundation has raised more than $2 billion dollars over the years its been in existence,” Shalala pointed out. “The $26 million everyone is hyperventilating over is relative pocket change amounting to barely 1% of the total. It’s on a par with a Congressman failing to report a free vacation from a lobbyist or a waiter forgetting to report all his tip income to the IRS. It’s no big deal.”

Others aren’t so sure it isn’t a big deal. Peter Schweizer, author of the book Clinton Cash: The Untold Story of How and Why Foreign Governments and Businesses Helped Make Bill and Hillary Rich, wondered “why a Nigerian newspaper paid former president Bill Clinton $500,000 for a speech. And if it was all legit, why was this payment among the $26 million the Foundation ‘forgot’ to report?”

As everyone knows, the Clintons were flat broke when Bill’s term as president was over,” Shalala said in response. “Why should anyone begrudge him earning a little money from sharing his wisdom on the talk circuit? Isn’t it time that the harassment and persecution of one of America’s great families come to an end?”

Bush Defends Warrantless Government Surveillance

While one GOP presidential candidate filibustered legislation extending the National Security Agency’s (NSA) authority to spy on Americans, another alleges that “there’s not a shred of evidence that this surveillance has violated anyone’s civil liberties.”

GOP presidential candidate Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ken) spoke for 10 hours on the floor of the Senate contending that NSA’s warrantless violations of privacy are unconstitutional. “The Fourth Amendment was intended to protect us from unreasonable searches,” Rand argued. “It calls for government to obtain a warrant from a judge based on ‘probable cause.’ The gathering of massive amounts of private information without such warrants flies in the teeth of the Amendment’s prohibition. We should be abolishing this intrusion, not extending it.”

Prospective rival for the Republican nomination, former Florida Governor JEB Bush disagreed, calling the NSA “a virtual guardian angel watching over and protecting us. I just can’t buy the argument that we have anything to fear from our own government. They’re on our side. We need to give them all the power and tools they say they need to keep us safe.”

Bush said that “the fact that the only people killed so far based on information gathered by the NSA are enemies of our government ought to reassure everyone that as long as they behave themselves they have nothing to fear. So the government knows who you phone, email and tweet. So what, as long as you’re not doing anything wrong why should you care? I don’t find the so-called scare phrase ‘Big Brother is watching you’ particularly frightening. The whole idea behind the NSA originated with my big brother and he’s a swell guy. We should be glad that he helped develop a program to watch over us.”

Hillary Defends Benghazi Lies

Evidence that former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was informed that the assault on the Benghazi Consulate and murder of Ambassador Stevens was a planned terrorist attack before she went public with the misleading cover story of a video protest gone bad failed to dislodge her from defending it.

Sure, we knew within hours of the Ambassador’s death that the attack had been planned at least 10 days in advance, but for us to have publicly acknowledged this would have put the country into even greater danger,” Clinton maintained. “Remember, this attack occurred just two months ahead of a presidential election. Our first priority was to counteract the domestic insurgency being led by Mitt Romney. Staving off this attempt to overthrow our government was more important than adhering to some quaint notions of honesty.”

Clinton characterized the bogus video-inspired-uprising story as akin to President Roosevelt’s feigning surprise at Japan’s attack on Pearl Harbor. “Imagine the damage that would have been done to his government if he hadn’t seized control of the narrative,” she hypothesized. “By diverting attention away from our lack of preparedness and onto Japan’s treachery he was able to rally the American people and save his government. Why shouldn’t we have emulated a man most historians agree was one of our greatest presidents?”

In related news, Clinton’s presidential campaign manager disputed press claims that her motorcade reached speeds in excess of 95 mph on the way to a fund raiser in Iowa. “While the media vehicles following the motorcade may have sped, we did not,” Robbie Mook asserted, attributing the quick transit time to “our use of new technology allowing us to travel using a ‘worm hole’ through hyperspace. The confusion afflicting those still confined to normal three-dimensional space is understandable.”

Candidate Says “Everything Will Be Free When I’m President”

Self-described socialist and candidate for the 2016 Democratic presidential nomination Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders promised voters that “everything will be free when I’m president.”

In a country as rich as ours it is shameful that mere lack of money should block anyone from having all the good things of life,” Sanders said. “No one should be stigmatized by having to grovel to qualify for food stamps or be denied entry into college because they can’t afford it or don’t have good high school grades. Anyone who wants to eat should simply be permitted to take food from a grocery store or restaurant. Anyone who wants to go to college should be allowed in, no questions asked.”

Payment for all these freebies will come from a confiscatory tax on excess assets and income. “Only pure arrogance drives the notion that people who are smarter and harder-working should get more than those less well-endowed by nature or nurture,” the Senator contended. “Just because you are lucky enough to inherit intelligence or learn to be enterprising from the good example of your parents doesn’t mean you earned it. A person born to stupid and shiftless parents isn’t at fault for his lack of effort. Why then should his rewards be contingent on the exertions he doesn’t make?”

Every human being is entitled to an equal share of the Earth’s bounty,” Sanders declared. “Ensuring an equitable distribution is government’s responsibility. Voters can count on me to fulfill this responsibility.”

Pay Hike Needed to Boost Congress’ Morale

Several Democrats, including Minority Whip Steny Hoyer (Md), made the case for higher compensation this week citing “the low morale among those of us in the legislature who can only salivate at the sums being hauled in by ex-presidents and others for trifling amounts of work. As members of a body of 435 we won’t have the same name recognition. We won’t be invited to pontificate on sundry topics for piles of cash.”

Rep. Alcee Hastings (D-Fla) seconded Hoyer’s remarks saying “we need to get a bigger piece of the pie now! We pass laws doling out billions to important constituencies, yet we get dinged for accepting gratuities in exchange. It’s just not fair.”

Hastings went on to complain that “the $174,000 annual salary is barely four times the median household income in this country. It’s humiliating for members of the ruling class to have to scrape by on such a pittance. Plus, if our salaries were higher those hoping to influence policy would be encouraged to up the amounts they pay for our efforts to deliver the goods.”

Hoyer also warned of “a possible exodus of the best and brightest from public service if we don’t take action to increase the rewards. The loss of human capital from the departure of legislators who have served for decades would be catastrophic. Congress would likely degenerate into a body staffed by short-term citizen-legislators instead of long-term professionals who dedicate their lives to wielding power for the common good.”

Kerry Calls for Stricter Government Regulation of Internet

In a speech in South Korea US Secretary of State John Kerry called for government to play a bigger role in what goes on the Internet. Kerry advised that “we take a lesson from what’s going on in North Korea. Sure, there are a lot of things wrong with the way Kim is governing his country, but that doesn’t mean everything he’s doing is a mistake.”

A key positive in Kim’s policies is the government’s larger role in filtering what the citizens of North Korea can see and hear from the Internet,” the Secretary maintained. “Antisocial content that could undermine his people’s contentment is severely dealt with. Positive messages aimed at raising the people’s sense of well-being are encouraged. This helps boost the people’s faith in their government.”

There’s some good lessons we in the West can learn from Kim’s model,” Kerry argued. “Granted, we wouldn’t want to resort to executing every dissident, but there are less bloodthirsty methods of enforcing compliance with the values and practices that will help stamp out the evils of racism, hate speech, and sedition that infest the unregulated Internet that currently prevails in the United States.”

Kerry concluded his remarks with “a wish that the independent Federal Communication Commission will not let President Obama down by allowing an unwarranted respect for freedom of speech to cloud their judgment.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you

Mexican President Calls Perry Border Policy “Unneighborly”

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Folder2 104Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto castigated Texas Governor Rick Perry’s deployment of National Guard troops on the U.S.-Mexican border as “unneighborly. He’s like that Clint Eastwood character in Gran Torino telling my people to get off his lawn.”

For decades my people have become accustomed to the ability to pass freely between our two countries,” Peña said. “In our minds this clearly establishes an ‘easement’ right to travel over these roads and pathways. For Governor Perry to suddenly seek to terminate these rights is an affront.”

Peña indicated that he plans to bring the issue up before the United Nations. “America’s trampling of human rights has become a growing problem for us,” Peña complained. “While the United States may be the 800 lb. gorilla in our bilateral relationship they can’t stand against the whole of humanity represented by the UN.”

UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon promised “to give this matter serious consideration. The Earth belongs to all of humanity. The right of any individual to move about in any part of it cannot be denied by any secular power. The fact that Mexicans have been crossing the Texas border unopposed for generations would seem to have built a strong case for the easement right claimed by President Peña.”

Peña brushed off contentions that his country has also been unneighborly by continuing to imprison US Marine Sgt. Andrew Tahmooressi for inadvertently crossing into Mexico with guns in the trunk of his vehicle. “There is no right to bear arms in Mexico,” Peña pointed out. “If we let this man go it will set a bad example for others. His case is in no way comparable. First off, he is one man. The persons impacted by Governor Perry’s edict number in the tens, maybe hundreds of thousands. Few of them are armed, but even if they were, America’s Constitution guarantees their right to own and carry firearms.”

School Confiscates American Flags from Students

Woodruff High School in Spartanburg, South Carolina confiscated American flags from the vehicles of four students this past week.

The school’s principal, Aaron Fulmer, explained that “professions of patriotism do not write a ‘blank check’ for egregious behavior. Many of our undocumented students may feel intimidated by such flagrant demonstrations. And as President Obama has pointed out, the American flag, like the Confederate flag, is seen as a symbol of oppression in many parts of the world.”

Flaunting so-called American exceptionalism also contradicts the lesson of humility our school is trying to inculcate,” Fulmer said. “The United States is just one country out of hundreds. It is inappropriate for students to be acting like America is special and somehow better than anywhere else.”

Fulmer was less certain about the possibility of confiscating other flags that have been brandished around the country. “A Mexican flag may be a reassuring symbol of a far away home that an immigrant misses,” Fulmer speculated. “Who are we to take that away from them?”

As for confiscating the ISIS flags that have popped up elsewhere, Fulmer admitted that “that would be difficult. I wouldn’t know the flag if I saw it. And I wouldn’t want to risk angering some very dangerous people.”

IRS Poised to Start Taxing Employer Provided Lunches

Some employers provide employees with company-paid free lunches. The idea is to keep workers at their desks and improve productivity. The expense has normally been lumped in with other expenses as a cost of doing business. The IRS now wants to tax these lunches as income to the employees.

IRS spokesperson Jason Coveter explained that “most employees have to furnish their own lunches. Whether they go out and buy it or bring it from home, they are bearing this cost themselves. It is unfair for other employees to get a lunch paid for by their employer. We’re just trying to level the playing field.”

The “leveling” will be retroactive “to help rectify previous wrongs,” according to Coveter. “We’re going to try to go back at least a few years if we can,” he said. “Consuming free lunches is kind of a social crime and we’re using a sort of ‘statute of limitations’ model that would impose a significant penalty, but not an unlimited one.”

Some taxpayers could end up owing thousands in back taxes and penalties. Not to worry says Coveter, though. “We will have easy payment plans in place that will allow those who owe to pay in installments over the course of a year or two.”

Other employer provided amenities that are in line for future IRS scrutiny include free parking, heating/cooling, lights, and toilet facilities. “Those are all things that the employee has to pay for when he’s at home,” Coverter said. “There’s no good reason why he should be relieved of the cost of these burdens just because he’s at work.”

Germany Strikes Blow Against ISIS

The German Government has decided to strike back against the ISIS reign of terror in Iraq and Syria by revoking its access to civic amenities.

Included in the ban would be the total loss of privileges to use public facilities such as meeting rooms at libraries, ramadas at public parks, and participation in public parades. In addition, security personnel at sporting events will be instructed to deny admittance to anyone wearing Isis symbols including hats, t-shirts or other garb with the organization’s insignia.

Defense minister Thomas de Mazière, characterized the restrictions as “a measured response. We want to give them the chance to feel the bite of these penalties and see if it reforms their behavior before considering more aggressive actions.”

Holder Says Arming Mexican Drug Cartels “Our Ace in the Hole” vs. ISIL Infiltrators

While a key part of President Obama’s strategy to combat ISIL involves arming supposed enemies of that organization, a program that has previously been roundly criticized is now being bandied about as “prescient” and “visionary” by Attorney General Eric Holder. The program: “Fast and Furious.”

What the President’s critics have lambasted as wrongheaded and improvident is starting to look pretty good now that ISIL has vowed to infiltrate the United States via our southern border,” Holder bragged. “The Mexican drug cartels are very territorial about what crosses over this border. They won’t be too friendly toward ISIL actions that may threaten their smuggling profits.”

Holder hailed “the toughness of these people. As we have seen they are every bit as vicious as the thugs running ISIL. They have murdered hundreds—many by beheading. And with the huge volume of firearms we have helped them acquire they are well-prepared to defend their perceived turf against these ISIL interlopers.”

Jennifer Lasley, a senior official in the Department of Homeland Security’s intelligence and analysis office concurred in Holder’s take on the issue. “These Mexican gangs are scary. Setting them up to be our first line of defense against potential ISIL infiltration was a stroke of genius that the Administration won’t get enough credit for.”

It’s possible, though, that ISIL might use a portion of its profits from sale of oil from the wells it seized in Iraq to bribe the cartels for a truce and passage through their border fiefdoms. Should this occur, Holder vowed that “we will put our heads together to try to come up with a ‘plan B.’”

In related news, Rep. Eddie Johnson (D-Tex) argues that “the beheading of those journalists doesn’t warrant the war President Obama now seems eager to initiate. That was only two guys. As many or more are murdered every week in the President’s home town. So, is he going to launch air strikes against the gangs that are terrorizing the streets of Chicago? Aren’t they more dangerous to more Americans than ISIS?”

Senator Udall Says Debates “Not Part of My Strategy”

Sitting Senator Mark Udall (D-Colo) refuses to debate his GOP opponent Cory Gardner, saying that a proposed televised debate is “not part of my strategy for reelection.”

These live debates are such a crap shoot,” Udall groused. “You can’t carefully craft your message. You only have a few seconds to compose answers to off-the-wall questions. The risk of a misstatement is high.”

Rather than endanger the major investment his campaign has made in focus group-vetted platitudes by debating, Udall expressed satisfaction with his plan to bombard voters with dinner-time robocalls. “The beauty of these is that a candidate has total control over what is said,” he boasted. “A brief message that pushes a couple of key buttons can reach thousands of voters per hour. Why should I ruin that by stumbling through a debate?”

Press Secretary Chides Golf Clubs

The Trump National Golf Club, Winged Foot and Willow Ridge rejected requests to let President Obama play on their golf courses over the Labor Day weekend. This mightily irked Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest.

These clubs put the needs and convenience of their members ahead of the needs and convenience of the President of the United States,” Earnest charged. “It’s a clear case of misplaced priorities.”

The inconveniences to golf club members would’ve been substantial. All other golfers would’ve been barred from the course while the President played through.

Where’s their sense of patriotism?” Earnest wondered. “The President is Commander-in-Chief. Where’s their sense of social conscience? Their club members are part of the wealthiest segment of society. The President is the representative of all the people, including the lowliest among us. Where’s their sense of humanity? The President has the hardest job in the world. Surely that entitles him to some much needed relaxation. It’s just so cruel and unfair.”

To try to make amends, Donald Trump offered to allow Obama unlimited access to all of the golf courses he owns if the President would only resign from office. “His mouthpiece is asking for a sense of humanity,” Trump observed. “How about a win-win situation where Obama is relieved of his burdens while the world is rescued from his incompetence?”

Kerry Says Islamic State Is Not Islamic

US Secretary of State John Kerry challenged ISIL’s definition of itself and insisted that the self-proclaimed Islamic State is not, in fact, Islamic.

I studied Islam in college,” Kerry asserted. “None of the books I read or classes I took mentioned anything about beheading unbelievers or raping women. I’ll stack this up against the mutterings of an uneducated terrorist any day of the week.”

Palestinian-Jordanian politician Muhammad Bayoudh Al-Tamimi disagreed with Kerry and maintained that ISIL’s “actions and words stem directly from the Quran and Sunna—two of Islam’s most sacred texts.”

A spokesman for ISIL suggested that “perhaps this chattering moron, Kerry, has not read the right books or listened to the words of practicing believers. If he falls into our hands we will give him the opportunity to rectify this gap in his education. Then we will cut his head off as the Quran commands.”

IRS Chief Says “We Try to Follow the Law Whenever We Can”

IRS Commissioner John Koskinen told the House Ways and Means subcommittee that “as a general rule, we try to follow the law whenever we can.” Rep. Kevin Brady (R-Tex), who leads the subcommittee, expressed the idea that the IRS ought to always follow the law and asked for instances in which Koskinen thought breaking the law might be necessary.

Laws are such static things,” Koskinen observed. “They don’t necessarily provide for every possible contingency. If the President feels that there is a gap in the law we’re not going to allow ourselves to be stymied by the lack of legislative authorization for what needs to be done.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.