New Clinton Defense on Email Scandal: ‘Everybody Did It’

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnA recent discovery that former Secretaries of State Colin Powell and Condoleezza Rice may have received a handful of classified emails on their private computers prompted Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton to claim she’s been exonerated.

The vast right-wing conspiracy trying to derail my campaign has been rebutted by this new evidence,” Hillary contended. “Singling me out when the use of private computers for transmitting classified government communications was standard practice reveals the baseless hypocrisy of their charges.”

Rep. Darrell Issa (R-Calif) says “Clinton’s ‘everybody did it’ argument is a gross distortion of reality. It’s akin to a notorious drunk driver with numerous moving violations endangering the lives of many asserting that she is no different from the law-breaker once cited for overstaying at a parking meter. Clinton’s unsecured private server was explicitly intended to hide her communications from scrutiny. More than a thousand classified documents were found on it. Several were more sensitive than ‘top secret.’ Clearly, she intentionally flouted the law and, as a result, needlessly endangered national security.”

Clinton rejected Issa’s stance as “a bean-counter’s approach to justice. Either having classified material on a private computer is right or it is wrong. If it is right, the number of times it occurs is irrelevant. If it is wrong, then all—including former Republican Secretaries of State—need to face the same charges.”

Ironically, the candidate concluded her attempted exculpatory argument by pledging to make cybersecurity a top priority in her administration as president. “The Hell I’ve had to go through over emails I thought were securely deleted was a tough, but important lesson,” she maintained. “No government official of cabinet rank or above should have to fear that his or her secrets can’t be kept secret. Therefore, I am promising the American people that if they elect me to rule them I will protect these public servants from intrusions on their privacy and will use any means necessary to do so.”

In related news, Hillary outlined her litmus test for future Supreme Court appointments in her upcoming administration. “Anyone I nominate will have to embrace progressive values,” she told attendees at a New Hampshire rally. “This includes a commitment to support a woman’s unconstrained right to an abortion, full recognition of gay marriage, and the enforcement of the rights of everyone to choose their own gender identity and receive the universal acceptance and accommodation to which they are entitled by law.”

DC to Pay Criminals to Refrain from Crime

Washington, DC Councilman Kenyan McDuffie proposed and the City Council unanimously adopted a measure that will pay criminals to refrain from committing crimes. Under the plan, residents with a sufficiently impressive rap-sheet will be paid up to $9,000 in cash per year for each year they aren’t convicted of a crime.

This is not some lame-brained scheme that any smart aleck can game,” McDuffie boasted. “Only those who can document their criminal behavior will be eligible for the stipend. By paying the ‘worst-of-the-worst’ members of our community to cool it we will have a greater impact than if we put more cops on the street.”

The move met with an enthusiastic reception on the streets. A local community leader known only by his street moniker: “The Big Banger,” averred that “we are always looking for ways to expand our cash flow. I think most of my guys have the reps to qualify for the payouts. Those few that don’t could still crack a few heads or boost some merchandise if that’s what it takes to get in on this.”

Apprised of “Banger’s” comments, McDuffie said he was encouraged. “I’m confident that if we partner with the people who really control the streets we can transform the social structure of our City. We’ve already got feelers out to both the Clinton and Sanders’ campaigns to see if either will commit to this new way of restoring order to our society. It would be great to have a broader impact than just in DC.”

In related news, some DC welfare moms are unhappy with the free accommodations the City is providing. Due to a shortage of public housing 730 families are being housed in area hotels. The amenities include prepared meals, cable TV, internet WiFi access, and maid service. Tiera Williams complains that the two-room suite they gave her is “too small, there aren’t enough choices of food, the TV is only basic cable, and the maid wakes me up too early. The paying customers at the hotel get room service with a bigger menu and pay-per-view TV. Giving us less is discrimination. I thought Obama was supposed to transform America. Or do I have to wait for Sanders before everything is free for all.”

ISIS Recruits Assert “Combat Immunity” Defense

Five Minnesota men currently facing charges of criminal conspiracy after being caught preparing to go to Syria to fight for the Islamic State are demanding that charges be dismissed.

Moosli Krahp, attorney for the five, stipulated that “the Islamic State has engaged in acts the rest of the world holds to be atrocious. However, these terror tactics are forced upon them by the superior firepower of their enemies. The West and its puppet allies can strike from the air. Civilians may be killed, but are quickly labeled ‘collateral damage.’ Well, the beheadings, torture, and similar actions carried out by the Islamic State are a necessary part asymmetric warfare. They are sanctioned by the government of the Islamic State and the soldiers who carry them out are not criminals. They are lawful combatants under the Geneva Conventions.”

If the actual troops of the Islamic State are lawful combatants, then these five men, none of whom has yet to engage in combat, are merely future combatants, at best,” Krahp said. “Their apprehension inside the United States before they have had the opportunity to participate in the alleged atrocities is premature.”

Minnesota prosecutor Lars Hammarskjold rejected Krahp’s arguments, but added “even if we were to entertain the notion that these men are bonafide Islamic State combatants, they were caught outside of enemy lines and out of uniform. Under the Geneva Conventions that would make them spies subject to summary execution.”

In related news, legislation that would bar terrorists from receiving food stamps was introduced by Rep. Bruce Poliquin (R-Maine). Poliquin’s bill isn’t expected to succeed in becoming law. President Obama has already promised to veto it if it reaches his desk. “The type of discrimination this legislation would institutionalize is an insult to our obligation to ensure the blessings of liberty are secured for all of our people,” the President declared.

Former President Carter Endorses Trump

Former Democratic President Jimmy Carter says his favorite GOP candidate for president is Donald Trump. He explained the surprising endorsement by pointing out “Trump is completely malleable. I don’t think he has any fixed positions. From my perspective this is more preferable than a far right wing ideologue like Ted Cruz.”

Cruz would clearly be an enemy of the progressive policies Obama has implemented,” Carter continued. “He’d try to undo them and would shut down the government if he felt it necessary to achieve his goals. With Trump I think we could be confident that wouldn’t happen. Trump has been a good friend of the Democratic Party over the years. I think he would work with Democrats to try to improve upon and extend the gains already made.”

Trump expressed his gratification “that a man who has held the office has made a wise choice” and suggested that “I’d be willing to consider former President Carter as a possible running mate. Putting someone with actual experience in the on-deck circle could make for a powerful combination. And the former president, unlike some in this race, is a natural born citizen.”

Carter said he was “flattered to be considered by Mr. Trump, but he needs to understand, my view is merely that he is the least objectionable of the Republicans. I will, of course, support the Democratic Party’s nominee.”

Perhaps a more significant boost to Trump’s candidacy came via a survey indicating that 14% of federal employees say they will quit if he is elected president. Trump Campaign Manager Corey Lewandowski applauded the finding: “While other candidates have to wrack their brains looking for ways to make government more efficient, Donald has already inspired a significant number of bureaucrats to declare they will ‘self-deport’ from the federal payroll once he’s president. I’d say this gives Donald a leg up over the competition.”

Hillary Defends Huge Speaking Fees

Under a constant barrage of criticism from Democratic presidential rival Sen. Bernie Sanders for her cozy relationship with Wall Street, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton contended that she was just being polite in accepting $200,000 per hour for speeches she gave at Wall Street’s request.

Look, this is what they offered me,” she explained. “Was I supposed to have bargained for lower rates? If I had, would Senator Sanders now be accusing me of favoritism toward those firms? Let’s not forget, in some instances I got even bigger speaking fees from universities. How could I, in good conscience, take less from the bankers than I took from the students?”

As much as Bernie hates Wall Street shouldn’t he be congratulating me from imposing a ‘tax’ on them and liberating that money from their greedy hands so the Clinton Foundation could put it to more socially beneficial purposes?” Hillary speculated. I mean, how much money has he liberated from these corporate pirates?”

Meanwhile, despite Sanders’ political demand that the government force every employer to pay every employee no less than $15 per hour, low level members of his staff receive only $12 per hour. Sanders sees no hypocrisy. “I’m well within my rights,” he insisted. “Currently, there is no law that says I must pay them more. Besides, my beef is with the commercial segment of our society. A businessman’s selfish desire to maximize profits is not protected under our Constitution. My right as a candidate for office to minimize my campaign expenses is.”

In related news, Clinton called an unlikely series of winning coin flips in all six Iowa caucus precincts that showed an equal number of votes for her and Sanders “proof that God wants me to be president.” The mathematical odds of such an outcome: one in 64.

Obama Pitches Muslim TV Shows

Appalled by the over-representation of Muslims as terrorists in national security themed TV shows, President Obama called for broadcasters to air a more varied array of programs featuring Muslim characters.

One idea I came up with is a family comedy,” the President said. “There’s this daughter who refuses to marry the nephew her father has chosen for her. So, the father and nephew shoot her and dump the body in a river. But she comes back as a ghost or zombie and haunts them with a series of weekly pranks. In one episode the daughter disguises herself as salesperson in a supermarket and tricks her brother into eating a fried pork rind by telling him it’s dry-roasted goat intestine. The father finds out and cuts the boy’s tongue out as a punishment. The daughter returns and reveals herself. The father tries to kill her, but she’s already dead, so he can’t. Hilarity ensues.”

Another idea I had is modeled on ‘The Bachelor,’” Obama exclaimed. “Each week a young Muslim man will be asked to choose between a ten-year-old girl, boy, or donkey. He will be allowed to ask questions, grope the options, and use a ‘lifeline’ to the imam of his choice. After he makes his selection, the newly wed couple will be escorted to a small tent on the stage to consummate the marriage while the studio audience cheers them on.”

These are just a couple of ideas off the top of my head,” Obama admitted. “I’m sure if Hollywood were to put its mind to it we could come up with more.”

In related news, the President blamed “inexcusable political rhetoric for giving Americans a distorted impression of Muslims” and “are largely responsible for violent retaliation like we saw in San Bernardino last year. We need to end the cycle of violence by passing House Resolution 569 and outlaw, once and for all, the unnecessary and offensive disparagement of the Islamic faith in our country.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

 

DOJ to Investigate Oscars

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnThe absence of blacks, homosexuals, and transgenders from the ranks of those nominated for this year’s Academy Awards has spurred outrage among cultural elites. Hollywood power couple Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith announced they will boycott the awards ceremony. Homosexual actor Ian McKellen groused that “we mustn’t let the attention given to racism completely overshadow the homophobia plaguing the film industry.”

US Attorney General Loretta Lynch labeled “the lack of nominations for legally protected groups is disturbing. The claim that nominees are democratically determined by secret ballot does not exempt the Academy from affirmative action laws. Racially disparate outcomes are, by themselves, proof of discrimination under current statutes. We will need to evaluate whether the list of this year’s nominees needs to be expanded or whether the whole process must be revamped in order to ensure a more racial and sexual-identity balanced slate of candidates for the awards.”

Lynch sternly added that “even a balanced list of nominees won’t guarantee against further action by the Administration if protected groups don’t win a proportionate share of the prizes. The President is fully prepared to take executive action if that is what is needed to achieve justice.”

In related news, Lynch sought to dispel rumors concerning a possible indictment of former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton for national security violations stemming from her use of an unsecured email system. “The fact that lesser persons have been prosecuted for lesser offenses is not relevant,” Lynch argued. “As a high-ranking member of government a secretary of state has a certain level of immunity for all actions taken while holding office. Mistakes in judgment, even of the grossest sort, must not be treated as crimes. Likewise, attempts to cover up these mistakes are a normal part of governing.”

Sanders’ Tax Hike to Cost 6 Million Jobs

An analysis undertaken by the Tax Foundation estimates that the tax increases promised by Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-Vt) will cut economic growth by more than 9 percent and result in 6 million fewer full-time jobs.

Sanders’ plan would significantly increase marginal tax rates on capital and labor income, which would result in a substantial reduction of the size of the U.S. economy in the long run,” authors Alan Cole and Scott Greenberg asserted.

Sanders’ campaign manager Jeff Weaver pooh-poohed the report quoting economist John Maynard Keynes’ observation that “in the long run we are all dead. At 74 years old Bernie hasn’t the time to ponder the long run. The important thing is to take care of people now and let later generations fend for themselves.”

I know that the politically correct stance is to worry about our children and grandchildren,” Weaver said. “But think about it. In the next generation most of the work will be done by robots. So most people won’t need to have jobs. A better way of looking at Bernie’s tax plan is that it will liberate 6 million Americans from wage-slavery. Instead of having to get up every morning, fight traffic, and punch a time-clock, six million more people can sleep late, secure in the knowledge that the government will provide for their needs.”

Cole called Weaver’s grasp of economics “stunning in its ignorance. By penalizing work and investment, Sanders’ plan would deter the kind of innovation that is necessary to boost the average person’s standard of living. His ‘siren song’ of ‘free stuff’ will engender sloth and ensure that poverty becomes more widespread.”

In other avant-garde news, the New York City Council has legalized public urination. The disproportionate representation of minorities among those cited for what was previously illegal inspired the change. City Council Speaker Melissa Mark-Viverito declared that “insisting that natural body functions be conducted behind closed doors imposes white standards and white tyranny on minorities.”

Swedish Authorities Unsure of How to Deal with Refugee Violence

After a contingent of ten police officers were scared off from rescuing a ten-year-old rape victim from a refugee center, authorities professed themselves to be at a loss for what to do next.

The ardor with which the Muslim mob attacked the police seeking to remove the boy from the center has caused us to reexamine our premises,” National Police Commissioner Dan Eliasson admitted. “To us, the idea of grown men sexually abusing this young boy is repugnant. But are we guilty of projecting our own values onto another culture?”

I am told that keeping such boys on hand for the pleasure of Muslim men is a time worn tradition in Arab countries where polygamy has left many adult men without hope of finding a female mate,” Eliasson said. “The young age of the victim apparently fits through a ‘loophole’ in Islam’s proscription against homosexuality.”

The commissioner also wondered “whether our tolerance of this practice among the immigrant community might offer a safety valve against these men raping Swedish women. Is the repeated raping of a handful of Muslim youths an acceptable price for us to pay in order to protect our women?”

In related news, a 17-year-old Danish girl who fought off a Muslim attacker using pepper spray is being charged with unlawful possession of the spray by local authorities. Police spokesman Knud Kirsten defended her arrest saying that “the law clearly states that pepper spray is illegal. Even though she was the victim of an unprovoked attack that doesn’t justify the breaking of this law. Two wrongs don’t make a right. As a victim she had the high moral ground. As a retaliator, though, she has sacrificed that high ground and made herself a criminal.”

Trump Snags First Congressional Endorsement

While a slew of GOP presidential contenders ranging from Sen. Ted Cruz (Tex) to former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush have gotten endorsements from sitting members of Congress, Donald Trump had come up empty until this week when Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) gave him the nod.

When you look over who the Republicans are considering as their nominee its a sorry bunch,” Reid observed. “None of them possess the visionary leadership exhibited over the last seven years by President Obama. However, one of them stands out as a man of perspicacity and guile. That man is Donald Trump. Not only has he had the good sense to help fund a few of my campaigns for office, but I believe he also has the flexibility to be able to reach across the aisle and work with Democrats for the greater good of the country.”

Reid hastened to clarify that “of course, I will be supporting the Democratic nominee in the general election. Trump is a hateful demagogue that I urge voters to reject. However, if he wins in November I’m confident that we can make mutually beneficial deals with the author of The Art of the Deal.”

For his part, Trump cited Reid’s remarks “as proof I’m the one candidate in either Party who is best situated to make things happen. I’ve always had a good relationship with Harry. I’ve been very close to his likely successor Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY). And I’ve never had a problem with Nanct Pelosi (D-Calif). No other Republican can say the same. So, yes, I think we can do business with the Democrats after I’m elected.”

In related news, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton was endorsed by Ted Kaczynski, who called her “the least of the evils available. Total anarchy would be my preferred ideal. None of the Republicans would get us an inch closer to that. On the other hand, her lawless flouting of national security gives a tiny ray of hope that we might move in the right direction with Hillary in the White House.” In 1998, Kaczynski was convicted of crimes related to a notorious nationwide bombing campaign that earned him the nickname: “Unabomber.”

Judge Declares Law Mandating Abortion Facilities Meet Health Requirements Unconstitutional

Baton Rouge District Judge John deGravelles blocked a Louisiana law requiring that abortion facilities comply with state standards for health and safety, calling it unconstitutional.

The right to an abortion is a constitutional right decreed by the United States Supreme Court in 1973,” de Gravelles ruled. “The state is not permitted to infringe on this right by adding conditions that could limit a woman’s ability to abort her child.”

The judge dispensed with the argument that the state has the power to set health and safety standards for medical treatments. “The contention that the lack of such standards endangers the health of women undergoing the procedure cannot overrule the fundamental protection given to abortion under our Constitution,” he said. “That the procedure entails some risk is not in dispute. However, women must be free to assume this risk in pursuit of their constitutionally protected objective. It is analogous to the Constitution’s right to bear arms. Guns are dangerous, but states may not legislate restrictions on ownership or use just by citing this danger. Just as a citizen bearing arms might shoot himself, a woman undergoing an abortion might harm her own health or even lose her life. That such undesired consequences might follow the exercise of a constitutional right does not grant government authorities the power to interfere with the enjoyment of that right.”

In related news, President Obama’s “common sense” gun control strategy is targeting Social Security recipients for disarmament. Press Secretary Josh Earnest explained saying that “it’s a ‘years of lives saved’ issue. The vast majority of criminals seniors might want to defend themselves against are young men. A young man getting shot costs society decades worth of lost years of life. Preventing seniors from imposing this cost on society is the better trade-off even if it means more seniors become victims. They have a lot less to lose.”

Obama and Hillary Try Hand at Comedy

Perhaps looking toward a future outside of politics, both President Obama and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton tried out some comedy bits this week.

The president made the first volley calling Hillary “wicked smart” and “warm and funny.”

Hillary countered with “anybody who know me knows you can’t buy me.”

The host of the HBO talk show Real Time with Bill Maher, called the efforts of the two “deliciously absurd and surreal. I wish I had thought of these jokes myself.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

 

Arizona Champion of Life has Gone to the Ages

Just saw this posted on Facebook by John Jacubczyk, past board president of Arizona Right to Life:

Carolyn Gerster M.D. passed into her eternal rest today. Dr. Gerster was involved in the pro-life movement for over 40 years. She was a founder and president of Arizona Right to Life. She was one of the founders of the National Right to Life Committee. She served as president of NRLC. Her amazing skills were known throughout the country and later throughout the world. She spoke in over 48 States and on six continents. Please join me in praying for her soul and praying for her family.

Gov. Ducey Wants Arizona Out of the Ninth Circuit

By Cathi Herrod, President, Center for Arizona Policy

Today, Arizona Governor Doug Ducey issued a call for the U.S. Congress to establish another federal circuit court of appeals that removes Arizona from the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals.

In his call, Gov. Ducey stated, “…due to its voluminous caseload and disproportionate size, the Ninth Circuit has an abysmal turnaround time of over 15 months for an average ruling… Arizonans deserve better than this from the people in power, and that includes a judicial process that is judicious in nature. It’s time that Congress takes overdue action to resolve this crisis in our courts.” Ducey further pointed out that the Ninth Circuit is consistently overturned with a 77 percent reversal rate.

Arizona Attorney General Mark Brnovich joined in stating: “The Ninth Circuit is overloaded and it’s bringing on new cases faster than it can resolve old ones. Reform in this area is long overdue.”

Read the full press release here as well as Governor Ducey’s letter to Congress here.

Action Needed:

  • Urge your U.S. Senator and Congressman to make this much needed change!
  • Forward this email to a friend! It is crucial that Arizona’s Congressional Delegation hear from the citizens in their state.
  • Thank Governor Ducey! Send an email to the Governor to thank him for seeking this much needed change in our judicial process.
  • Pray! Pray that Arizona’s U.S. Senators and Representatives will stand boldly and seek a judicious legal process for the citizens they represent.

The Arizona Conservative says: Bravo to the governor’s efforts! And to CAP for supporting this measure. They took the high road and didn’t say this … but we will say it: in 99.9 percent of the social issues cases going up to the Ninth Circuit, this controversial court will rule against conservatives. The deck is stacked in San Francisco, in favor of judicial activism. And it isn’t fair.

Endorsing Senator Ted Cruz for Commander In Chief

We are proud to endorse Senator Ted Cruz for the highest office in the land — the presidency. He is far and away the best American for the job.

We are extremely impressed with Sen. Cruz’s integrity, his leadership skills, his courage and his fortitude. None else match him in these crucial categories.

We see a stronger, more civil America under the leadership of a President Cruz. The nightmares of the anti-American, socialist monstrosity that is the Obama presidency will be repaired by the Cruz Administration. Wrongs will be righted. We won’t have to doubt or to suspect this administration of bad policy. We can rest assured the soul of America will be in good — great — hands with this fine American serving us.

Let us pray that he succeeds. Let us pray that America wises up and rises up to throw off the shackles of the freedom-destroying, corrupt Obama Administration. Let us pray that Americans wisely reject the corrupt, socialist alternative to a presidential candidate who has our best intentions in mind and who will faithfully and honestly execute the office of the presidency to the best of his ability. A man with the right worldview and a healthy respect for our heritage and history of freedom. A true friend of the taxpayer and the most defenseless of Americans.

Sanders Calls for Nationalized Health Care

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnRiding on the crest of poll numbers showing a surge for his presidential bid, Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-Vt) upped the ante vs. rival former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton by calling for a nationalization of health care.

Obamacare is a confusing mess of broken promises,” Sanders asserted. “We need to replace it with a fully socialized system where all medical payments and decisions are made by the federal government.”

Under Sanders’ proposal everyone would be covered with a zero deductible and zero co-pay plan. “No one should have to skimp on medical treatment merely because they’d have to pay out of pocket for visiting a doctor,” Sanders said. “That decision should be based purely on health considerations.”

The savings in avoiding health insurance premiums now hitting those under Obamacare would be offset by a 30% boost in federal tax rates—about $1.38 trillion per year. Whether that would be enough to cover the likely increase in demand for services with a zero out-of-pocket price to consumers seems doubtful.

To keep government costs from spiraling out of control, though, Sanders’ plan calls for a government board to make determinations on which treatments are necessary and effective. “The notion that each individual doctor or patient can be permitted to decide how much treatment is needed has to be replaced by a more socially responsible metric, as it has under the United Kingdom’s National Health Service,” Sanders argued.

Access to government-approved therapies will be free-of-charge to the patient,” Sanders explained. “Wasteful, ineffective, and unapproved therapies will be outlawed. The current practice of letting those who can afford it the privilege of purchasing treatments outside of the nationalized system will be eliminated. No one has the right to waste society’s collective resources on idiosyncratic medical theories. All will be allocated the modicum of health care that government experts determine is optimal for the whole.”

Clinton labeled Sanders’ plan “pie-in-the-sky socialism of the worst sort. While we agree that the anarchistic idea that individuals can be entrusted with decisions about how much to budget for their own health care, does anyone truly believe that a committee of government bureaucrats could efficiently and effectively determine a one-size-fits-all plan? Such authority should rest with medical community experts—the insurers and drug manufacturers—who have decades of experience in managing health care.”

Muslim Refugee Rampages and European Mental Confusion Continue

In France, Muslim migrants burned down the refugee shelters that the French government spent 20 million euros to build for them. The humanitarian gesture of providing migrants with proper beds, showers, electricity and heating was spurned by ungrateful refugees as “far below the accommodations kafirs are obliged to provide us,” according to an immigrant from Africa. “The so-called housing is dormitories. We demand private apartments with big-screen TVs, wifi, and all the normal standards enjoyed by the dhimmis.”

In Saxony, Germany, Muslim immigrants showed their dissatisfaction with government efforts to accommodate them by masturbating into a jacuzzi and defecating into a swimming pool. This is in addition to the sexual harassment that is becoming a routine part of the immigration experience for German females. In Munich, a pair of young girls were groped at a local pool by a gang of Syrian and Afghan asylum seekers. The offenders were released by police because, according to the Merkel government “it is not our prerogative to impose European cultural standards on our Muslim guests.”

Meanwhile, Sweden, which has seen its share of crude and threatening behavior from its contingent of Muslim immigrants, has called for an investigation of Israelis’ killing of knife-wielding assassins for what Swedish Foreign Minister Margot Wallstrom characterized as “extrajudicial executions. Just because someone tries to stab you doesn’t give you the right to shoot them.” Wallstrom brushed off the Israeli self-defense argument saying, “since when do two wrongs make a right?”

National Review Booted from Debate for Anti-Trump Editorial

The Republican National Committee has uninvited the editors of National Review from participating in the GOP presidential candidate debate scheduled for February 25 in Houston, citing the magazine’s stance against Donald Trump as “disqualifying bias,” RNC Chairman Reince Priebus said. “It is my responsibility to protect all of our candidates from the baleful effects of media bias.”

The Chairman attempted to distinguish NR‘s “bias” from that of the liberal media personalities who regularly moderate GOP debates. “While everyone knows that media moderators are biased against Republicans, the bias is not explicitly overt,” Priebus pointed out. “The sneers, the loaded questions, the badgering of our candidates may evince a subtle antagonism toward our Party. However, by stopping short of outright vocalization of opposition a facade of impartiality is still maintained.”

The National Review editors, though, have come right out and accused Donald Trump of not being a conservative,” Priebus said. “Whether the accusation is true or not, it is an argument for GOP voters to not support him in the upcoming primaries. That is simply unfair.”

Priebus also reminded everyone that “Trump has been the chief reason why the GOP debates have been such a big draw. If we were to permit National Review to get away with opposing him he might boycott further debates, or worse, sue the Republican Party. I mean, Trump is threatening to sue the Washington Post for daring to report on his role in the bankruptcy of his casino in 1991. The risk of alienating him is very palpable.”

In related news, Secret Service agents protecting Trump demanded that Mounds, Oklahoma Police Chief Tim McDaniel leave a rally because he was carrying his duty weapon. SS spokesman Andy Pretorian explained that “our sole concern is the safety of the candidate. No weapons other than what we are carrying are allowed. There can be no exceptions for so-called self-defense. All other persons attending a campaign event must do so at their own risk.”

GOP Establishment Warms to Trump

GOP presidential front runner Donald Trump boasted to rally attendees in Las Vegas’ South Point Resort and Casino that “the Republican establishment is coming over to our side. They hate Ted Cruz so much that they’re throwing their support to me.”

While there hasn’t yet been an explicit endorsement from key establishment figures, Trump maintained that “it seems pretty clear that Sen. Dole and Sen. McConnell prefer me to Cruz. They recognize that I’m the guy who can reach across the aisle and make a deal with Pelosi (D-Calif) and Reid (D-Nev). Cruz has been the guy blocking consensus between Republicans and Democrats for the last four years. He says he wants to shrink government, but that’s the stance of a loser. We have the opportunity to grab the reins and use the power of government to restore order, to direct resources toward the right investments, to make America great again.”

Former Sen. Bob Dole, the GOP’s 1996 nominee for president, castigated Republican presidential candidate Sen. Ted Cruz as “an unlikable guy. I get the sense that he cares more about conservatism than governing. Trump, on the other hand, has the right personality to wheel-and-deal in Washington. He understands the way things get done. He won’t get hung up on some obscure Constitutional principle. He will ‘horse trade’ and ‘twist arms’ the way it’s always been done.”

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell averred that “if the choice is between Cruz and Trump I’d have to say Trump is more likely to be in sync with how we do business in DC. He isn’t out to hamstring the government like Cruz is. He will give a little to get a little. I think those who rely on funds from the government have nothing to fear from Trump.”

In related news, Trump denied that the billions in loans he has received from big banks would influence him the way in which much smaller amounts lent to Cruz that Trump says amount to the banks “owning Cruz.” “Cruz will be bound by the idea that he has to pay back those loans,” Trump contended. “The banks know that I will not be bound in the same fashion. One way or another I will figure out how to get out from under any obligation. In contrast to every other candidate, I am free from outside influence. I will do whatever I think is necessary as president without worrying about who I owe what. It’s called ‘winning.’ My $10 billion personal fortune shows I know how to get the better of any deal I make.”

Prof Debunks Idea that Right-Wingers a Bigger Threat

Professor Andrew Holt of Florida State College at Jacksonville has challenged the Obama Administration’s contention that right-wing extremists pose a greater threat than Islamic terrorists. “If we look at all the casualties resulting from terrorist attacks over the last 15 years, the number of people killed by jihadis outnumber those killed by right-wingers by more than 60 to one,” Holt said.

Department of Homeland Security Jeh Johnson brushed off the professor’s analysis as “a simplistic body count. Merely adding up the number killed assumes an unwarranted equivalence among those affected. All the victims of Islamic terrorists in the United States were ‘soft targets’ comprised of relatively unimportant private citizens. In contrast, right-wing extremists are focused on government officials. Even if they don’t actually kill them, right-wing agitation that could lead to voters opposing the government pose a much larger existential threat to what we’re trying to accomplish.”

By way of example, Johnson cited “the tolerable toll of the thousands of US troops that died on the D-Day invasion of Normandy to the incalculably greater catastrophe that would have resulted if right-wingers had prevailed in the 1944 election. Replacing Roosevelt with Dewey would have been a disaster of major magnitude. So, we make no apology for accepting the losses inflicted by jihadis as a reasonable price to pay for focusing our efforts on preventing the overthrow of the Obama Administration by the Romney insurgency in 2012.”

In related news, Attorney General Loretta Lynch says she may have to defy a court order to hand over documents to a congressional committee investigating the Fast and Furious gun-walking scandal. “The 30,000 Mexicans estimated to have been killed by these weapons is not a serious threat to our government,” Lynch maintained. “Unwarranted prying into the confidential activities of the Administration is. My duty to protect the President from this threat takes priority over my legal obligation to obey a court’s order.”

UN to Consider Emergency Aid to Islamic State

A report that the Islamic State has been forced to cut the pay of its fighters in Iraq and Syria has sparked interest in a possible aid package for the beleaguered infant state.

It’s a simple matter of fairness,” UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon observed. “With both Russia and the United States taking military action against them the Islamic State is in deadly peril. Maintaining the necessary fanaticism for those it sends into battle absent adequate financial rewards may be too big of obstacle for them to overcome. It may be appropriate for us to provide some funding to help level the playing field.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.