It’s Ducey, Brnovich, Douglas, Reagan in GOP Primary

Doug Ducey has won the Arizona Republican primary race for governor. RINO Scott Smith is in second, with Christine Jones third, Ken Bennett fourth, Andy Thomas fifth and former congressman Frank Riggs sixth.

Mark Brnovich is ending scandal-ridden RINO Tom Horne’s reign as Arizona attorney general.

Diane Douglas ousted incumbent John Huppenthal for Superintendent for Public Instruction. Douglas ran on her opposition to Common Core education, which Huppenthal supported.

RINO Michele Reagan is winning the nomination for secretary of state. She will most likely lose in November to Democrat Terry Goddard.

Jeff DeWitt is heading for victory in the three-man primary race for state treasurer, with RINO Hugh Hallmann in second and former AZ GOP chairman Randy Pullen running third.

Wendy Rogers is leading Andrew Walter by about 5,000 votes in the GOP Congressional District 9 race.

Gary Kiehe is surprisingly leading in the GOP Congressional District 1 in a close race with Adam Kwasman and Andy Tobin.

Several incumbent congressmen ran unopposed.

In the Republican race for Arizona Corporation Commissioner, Tom Forese and Doug Little have secured nominations for November’s general election.

In a huge disappointment, Arizona-bashing Bob Worsley has defeated challenger Dr. Ralph Heap in the State Senate race for District 25.  

Additionally, John Giles won handily over conservative Danny Ray in the election for mayor in Mesa. Giles was backed by all the current councilmen — all of whom, incidentally, were identified as “friends” and “champions” of Big Government by Americans for Tax Prosperity.

During the summer campaign, The Arizona Conservative questioned the loyalty of many Republican candidates to GOP principles. Several of those candidates won or did well tonight, raising additional questions about Republican voters, as well. Do personalities and advertising tactics weigh more heavily with Republican voters, or do they observe GOP principle as their criteria for voting decisions? The answer is in, and the GOP platform was a big loser in here in Arizona this summer. And as we said previously, it hasn’t been tried and found wanting. For many of the candidates — particularly Smith, Hallmann, Reagan, Worsley, Horne, and others — it has not been tried. Obviously, conservatives have much to do to educate Republicans in this state, which appears to be drifting away from the conservative principles that made America great.

DEVELOPING …

The Truth about Scott Smith and Obamacare

Congressman Wants to Ban Body Armor

 

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Folder2 104Rep. Mike Honda (D-CA) has introduced legislation that would prohibit the sale, use, or possession of body armor by unauthorized persons. “Authorized persons” in Honda’s view include government law-enforcement personnel, troops, and others the government may deem worthy of such protection.

Those duly empowered to use deadly force should not have to fear that their efforts might be thwarted by the widespread availability of bullet-resistant vests or helmets,” Honda said. “The government’s capacity to suppress dangerous elements must not be diluted.”

Honda dismissed the idea that law-abiding civilians could have a legitimate need for this type of personal protection—Bullet Blocker’s bullet-proof backpacks for students, for instance. “Allowing students to acquire these items could instill a false sense of security. Worse, these backpacks could easily fall into the wrong hands and be used by those with malicious intent.”

To be most effective the firepower of government authorities must be overwhelming and irresistible,” Honda argued. “Not only should the government’s agents have a monopoly on the ownership and use of guns, they must also be able to operate freely without worrying about potential opposition.”

Existing laws that make it illegal for convicted felons to own firearms and body armor “are inadequate,” according to Honda. “There’s a big loop hole that permits those without a criminal record to obtain the means to commit crimes using firearms and body armor. Access to the means for self-defense enables people to take an antisocial path rather than cooperate with the collectively arrived at decisions of their government. People need to trust and support the authorities and not try to go it alone.”

State Department Insists US Is Not at War with ISIS

The beheading of American journalist James Foley, the massacre of thousands of Christians, Kurds, and Shiite Muslims, and ISIS’s vow that its flag will soon fly over the White House does not mean the United States is at war with them, says Deputy State Department spokesperson Marie Harf.

ISIS may think they are at war with us, but that doesn’t mean we are at war with them,” Harf insisted. “As you may have observed, President Obama sternly denounced Foley’s televised beheading. He has done his part to inspire others to take the actions needed to cope with the situation. There’s no need for him to do more.”

Harf cited the President’s immediate resumption of his golfing vacation and fund-raising as proof that “the President is fully in control of his agenda. He will not be forced into engaging in hostilities with ISIS.”

What Obama is willing to consider is “cutting back on the assistance we’ve been providing ISIS in its battle against Assad in Syria. As concerned as we are about the tyrannical abuses of the Assad government we need to reconsider whether aiding his enemies is the prudent thing to do.”

The Deputy State Department spokesperson also defended the President’s decision to reveal confidential information about a failed attempt to rescue Foley even though the revelation jeopardizes potential future attempts to rescue other hostages. “Even if a rescue were to be successful the number of lives saved would be minuscule,” Harf pointed out. “In contrast, a widespread perception that the President didn’t do enough on behalf of Foley is clearly undermining confidence in his Administration. With the off-year elections ahead that is far more damaging than the forgone hypothetical opportunity to save a few of the remaining hostages.”

DHS Says It Had to Release Murderers

Outraged over learning that the Department of Homeland Security released 154 illegal immigrants convicted of homicide in their native country, Sen. Charles Grassley (R-Iowa) demanded an explanation from DHS Secretary Jeh Johnson. He received a reply from Immigration and Customs Enforcement chief Thomas Winkowski.

In his reply, Winkowski maintained that DHS “had no choice in the matter. We should not be castigated for obeying the law.” Winkowski’s contention, though, may not be correct. While it is true that the law does not permit DHS to hold illegal immigrants indefinitely, it does allow for the retention of “dangerous immigrants.”

Just because an immigrant has been convicted of a serious crime in Mexico, say, doesn’t prove he is dangerous in America,” Winkowski suggested. “Maybe he was unjustly convicted. Or maybe he came to our country to start a new life. Until they are convicted of a crime in the United States they deserve the benefit of the doubt.”

Judge Rules Private School Vouchers Unconstitutional

North Carolina Superior Court Judge Robert Hobgood declared the state’s the Opportunity Scholarship program unconstitutional. The program provided funds for poor children to attend the same private schools attended by their financially better off peers.

Allowing these children to exit the failing public school system undermines the incentive and capability for improving the public schools,” Hobgood ruled. “It would put the good of the few ahead of the collective well-being of the whole. By preventing the few from escaping we maintain the pressure for reform of the system.”

Hobgood rejected the argument that allowing students to exit substandard schools would stimulate competition and lead to better public school performance. “Public schools are too inflexible to compete,” Hobgood said. “The only chance for them is for public outrage over poor performance to induce a major overhaul of both methods and personnel. Every parent whose child is trapped in the public school is another potential voice of outrage. Parents who are now seeking scholarships to save their own children must be turned into advocates for all of society’s children. They won’t do this unless they see their own children suffering.”

The fact that the vast majority of recipients of the Opportunity Scholarships are Black didn’t impress Hobgood. “There is an even larger contingent of Black victims left behind in awful public schools,” he observed. “Unless every child can be saved it is better that none be saved. That is the only equality we can absolutely guarantee.”

In related news, Dyer County High School senior Kendra Turner was suspend for saying “bless you” after a classmate sneezed. “Blessing has religious connotations,” explained a school spokesman. “This is a public school. We have zero tolerance for that.”

Missouri Governor Demands Vigorous Prosecution

Missouri Governor Jay Nixon (D) is saturating the air waves with his demand that Ferguson police officer Darren Wilson be “vigorously prosecuted” for shooting Michael Brown on August 9th.

We’ve all seen the Hell this community has gone through since the shooting,” Nixon recounted. “The Black citizens will burn down the entire town if we don’t give them the justice they want.”

The Governor brushed aside the possibility that the shooting might be justifiable self-defense. “Sure we could spend a lot of time and effort trying to determine whether Brown brought this on himself by attacking Wilson,” Nixon said. “Maybe Wilson feared for his life. Maybe he felt he had no alternative. But what I’m saying here is that now we have no alternative if we want to preserve the peace.”

Cooler heads need to come to grips with what must be done,” Nixon continued. “If Wilson goes free there’ll be more trouble. More people could be hurt. More businesses could be wrecked. Police officers take an oath to serve and protect. Right now, the best way for Wilson to fulfill his oath is to accept responsibility and do his time. If he won’t do that voluntarily it is up to us to see that he does. Sacrificing one to save many is the kind of hard choice that the voters of this state elected me to make.”

Nixon’s perspective was bolstered by Al Sharpton’s assertion that rioters who appropriated merchandise without paying for it were “liberators” rather than “looters.” “No amount that the white man pays could adequately compensate us for the 300 years of slavery and 450 years of racial discrimination the Black man in America has had to suffer,” Sharpton claimed. “It isn’t stealing when you reclaim what is rightfully yours.”

Texas Governor Indicted for Abuse of Power

This past week an Austin Grand Jury indicted Governor Rick Perry (R) for abuse of power. The offending act was his veto of the budget containing funds for the salary of Travis County District Attorney Rosemary Lehmberg. Perry took this action when Lehmberg refused to resign after her arrest for drunk driving.

In April 2013, Lehmberg was hauled in for DUI. Tests showed her blood alcohol level to be more than three times the legal limit. Lehmberg threatened the arresting officer and deputies at the sheriff’s office with the loss of their jobs for deigning to interrupt her travels. Thinking that an abusively drunk public prosecutor might be an inappropriate person to hold that position, Governor Perry demanded she step down.

Lehmberg doesn’t deny that her behavior was disgraceful, but contends that “at least half the state legislators are drunk half the time. Drinking is the number one past-time of half the adult population of this state. So, being drunk and disorderly can’t be a legitimate barrier to holding a public office. There’d be too many vacancies.”

The County DA was also quite pleased with her one-upmanship. “Drunk driving is only a misdemeanor, abuse of power is a felony,” Lehmberg boasted. “We’ll strip Perry of his right to carry firearms and to vote. Any aspirations he may have had to run for President are finished thanks to me.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

 

And the RINO of the Year Awards go to …

Arizona’s 2014 primary election season enters its final week today. People must either mail their early ballots today, bring early ballots to the polling place or vote in polling places on August 26. With this urgency in mind, The Arizona Conservative is announcing its Republican In Name Only (RINO) awards today to inform voters of the identity of some of the most liberal, so-called “Republicans,” or RINOs. And now, to the awards we go:

“I’ve Been Takin’ Care of Corporate Welfare Business, Workin’ Overtime” Award: Scott Smith, friend of Big Government, former Mesa mayor, and candidate for governor.

“reagan DEMOCRAT-Moving Arizona Backward” Award: Michele Reagan, former state senator, candidate for secretary of state.

“William J. and Hillary Rodham Clinton Politics of Personal Destruction” Award: Bob Worsley, a friend of big government who called Arizona a “police state,” and called party base Republicans “extremists.”

“Tempe Town Lake Fever” Award: Hugh Hallmann, former mayor of Tempe, candidate for state treasurer; many people get elected to serve in Washington, D.C., and go left after succumbing to “Potomac Fever.” Hallman succumbed to Tempe Town Lake Fever, adopting left-wing politics and daring Republicans to elect him to a state office regardless of his radical politics. Tempe is one of the state’s most left-wing cities, and real Republicans can’t get elected mayor there.

“Jim Kolbe Of Course You Won’t have to Pay for That, the Government Will Pay for it” Award: Doug Coleman, friend of Big Government, no friend of taxpayers, and candidate for the Arizona House of Representatives.

Attorney General Horne Refuses to Defend Marriage in Arizona

From a report by the American Post-Gazette …

Courts in Arizona are constitutionally barred from recognizing the same-sex marriages from other states. This past week, a panel of liberal judges from the Arizona Court of Appeals ignored the constitutional prohibition and, using a transparent trick, recognized a same-sex marriage from Hawaii.

A same sex couple filed for divorce in the Maricopa County Superior Court. The Maricopa County trial judge, faithfully following Arizona law, refused to accept jurisdiction of the case because the parties were two females.

The women had been married in Hawaii with a wink and a nod. Hawaii allowed the marriage because one of the women “identified” as male. Hawaii essentially pretended that the “husband” was really a man, rather than a woman.

The liberal panel of Arizona Court of Appeals was all too happy go along with the ruse – to pretend that the “husband” was really a man, even though the “husband” had borne three children after the sham wedding. The Court of Appeals decided that Arizona should accept jurisdiction over the sham marriage. The Court couldn’t escape using nonsensical language in its opinion. Referring to the “husband” the Court said “he had retained the ability to bear children, and in fact gave birth to three children following his marriage to Nancy.”

Why was it so easy for the Court of Appeals to run roughshod over the Arizona Constitution? Because Tom Horne, running for re-election as attorney general, refused to defend Arizona’s traditional marriage policy. In fact Tom Horne was asked to file a brief with the trial court to defend traditional marriage. But he refused to do so.

The Arizona Conservative has endorsed Horne’s primary opponent Mark Brnovich for AG.

Bob Worsley: He’s Just Too Liberal

 

 

Ferguson Looting Said to Be Fitting Tribute to Michael Brown

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Folder2 104The emergence of a convenience store security video tape of Michael Brown roughing up the shopkeeper and stealing boxes of cigars was said to vindicate the looting rampage that followed his being shot by police.

All those stuffed shirts saying that our robbing stores was an inappropriate expression of our anger and grief were dead wrong,” asserted a self-identified looter who says her name is Jihadena. “One of the last things Michael did before he was gunned down was rob a store. We’re just doing the work he no longer can do. What could be a more fitting tribute to his memory?”

Jihadena challenged the characterization of Brown as a common thug, insisting that “he was a guerrilla for social justice. President Obama promised transformation, but where are our reparations for slavery? Where is the equal distribution of wealth? That convenience store had plenty of cigars. What’s wrong with Michael taking the initiative to redistribute a few of them?”

The image of Michael Brown as the liberator of cigars from the clutches of an Asian profiteer clashes with Al Sharpton’s allegation of “a massive conspiracy to assassinate this young man’s character. That video could’ve been photo-shopped. The witnesses to the robbery could’ve been coached. Michael’s criminal history could be fabricated. Besides, even if he did rob that store since when do we have the death penalty for stealing cigars?”

In related news, U.S. District Judge Catherine Blake ruled that Maryland may ban assault rifles. “These weapons are inappropriate for hunting and they are too cumbersome for personal self defense,” Blake asserted. “Their chief selling point seems to be that they would enable a citizen to resist government authority. As such, these weapons do not qualify for protection under the ‘right to bear arms’ clause of the Constitution.”

Kerry Makes Case for Global Warming as Mankind’s Greatest Threat

US Secretary of State John Kerry continues to baffle observers by insisting that “global warming is, by far, the greatest threat mankind faces in the 21st century.”

The reason should be obvious from the term ‘global’ warming,” Kerry said. “This means that it affects everyone. This has to put it ahead of dangers that afflict necessarily narrower categories of victims. The beheading of innocent children by ISIS in Iraq, for example, only affects thousands of people.”

The threat to wipe Israel off the map and exterminate the Jews, at worst, would entail the deaths of only a few million,” Kerry continued. “Juxtaposed to this limited atrocity, the ecological damage from global warming is vaster by an order of magnitude. Billions will be faced with excruciatingly relentless rises in temperature. Trying to stay cool will be an endless task. The cost and discomfort of attempting to cope will easily outweigh the momentary pain of being blown apart by a suicide bomber or having your throat slit by a jihadi.”

In a way it could be said that massacres serve to ameliorate the impact of global warming,” Kerry pointed out. “The fewer humans there are, the less pressure they will put on the ecosystem’s carrying power. So, while it is not their intent to fight global warming groups like ISIS and Hamas are inadvertently contributing toward a brighter future for the planet. We should not overlook this mitigating factor.”

While Kerry appears to imagine himself a great thinker able to see past the “minor skirmishes” that most see as the main concern of the nation’s chief diplomat, a recent editorial in Investors Business Daily characterized his contention that global warming is the more serious threat as “dangerously moronic.”

Kerry does appear to be at some risk of getting out of step with his boss, though. Just this week President Obama declared “conservative maximalists” to be the biggest threat. “The essence of a successful community is universal cooperation for the collective benefit of all,” the President said. “This requires compromise. Yet, there is a contingent within that continues to take the extreme position that certain so-called fundamental rights are immutable. This contingent of conservative maximalists is more dangerous than any other enemy we face.”

Hamas Extends “Gift of Martyrdom” to Tunnel Diggers

Concerned that dozens of low-wage workers who built the maze of tunnels from the Gaza strip into Israel might reveal the locations to enemy forces, the Hamas leadership ordered their execution.

Hamas spokesman Khaled Mashal justified this seemingly ungrateful reward as “a necessary precaution. There are those who would say that the measures we took to prevent these diggers’ knowledge of the tunnels’ locations ought to be sufficient. Yes, the workers were blindfolded before being led to and from where they were told to dig making it exceedingly improbable that any of them could lead an Israeli to a tunnel location. But their death makes it impossible for them to reveal any location.”

Only infidels would consider our action in this matter cruel,” Mashal maintained. “We have released these men from a harsh life of poverty—they did this backbreaking work at a wage of $1 per hour—and given them the gift of martyrdom. As we speak they are all enjoying the pleasures of copulating with virgins that Allah promised.”

Mashal did permit himself a mild chuckle as he described the miners’ last moments: “As we blindfolded them to lead them away to execution many talked excitedly of what they would buy with the wages they expected for more digging. Not one suspected the surprise we had in store. It was most amusing.”

Dems Push for Federal Funding of Abortions

Representatives Mike Honda (D-Calif), Barbara Lee (D-Calif), Jan Schakowsky (D-Ill), Louise Slaughter (D-NY), and Jackie Speier (D-Calif) are going on a 10,000 mile bus tour to drum up support for repealing the current ban on federation money being spent for abortions.

The issue is one of simple justice,” Lee argued. “Why should the option of escaping an unwanted pregnancy be denied to women who can’t afford to pay for it? Human rights shouldn’t come with a price tag. Criminals who can’t afford a lawyer get one at taxpayer expense. Why shouldn’t innocent women be treated as well?”

We should fund every abortion we can afford,” was Slaughter’s take. “Every child born is another mouth to feed. Would-be mothers who can’t afford abortions will end up giving birth to children they can’t afford. The cost of rearing a child to adulthood dwarfs the cost of an abortion. I challenge my GOP colleagues to do the math and support federal aid for abortion as the fiscally responsible thing to do.”

A “more civilized society” was Rep. Schakowsky’s goal. “Unwanted pregnancies destroy lives,” she contended. “The first victim is the mother who is burdened by a child she does not want. The second victim is the unwanted child who grows up in poverty. The third victim is the innocent bystander who is a casualty of the violent underclass peppered with individuals who would’ve been aborted if the funding had been available.”

The bus tour of these luminaries of contemporary moral philosophy began in Los Angeles, California August 9 and is expected to arrive in Washington, DC in mid September after stops in 12 cities along the way.

Hillary and Barack Hug Away Kerfuffle

This week former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton stirred up a kerfuffle in an interview published in The Atlantic magazine by implying that the Obama Administration’s foreign policy was “a directionless mess.” President Obama angrily rebuffed Clinton’s remarks as “horse shit.”

However, the soothing ambiance of a gathering at a posh Martha’s Vineyard resort has dampened down combative tempers on both sides. As a spokesman for Hillary explained, “it was a case of public perception vs. core reality. Given the President’s abysmal voter approval ratings it is imperative that any Democrat who hopes to win an upcoming distance herself from the President’s negative public image.”

There is no fundamental difference between the policies that President Obama and Secretary Clinton have pursued and the policies that a future President Hillary Clinton will pursue,” the spokesman said. “But the only chance of continuing those policies is for Hillary to prevail in the 2016 election. Once President Obama was reassured on this he acquiesced to the strategy.”

President Laments “Balkanization” of Media

The low cost of communication over the Internet has led to “a dangerous proliferation of voices” according to President Obama. “It used to be that everyone got their view of the news from major media outlets,” Obama recounted. “There was more unanimity of message. This helped bring the country together.”

Now, though, any nobody with a little free time can get a website and pontificate for all the world to see,” the President complained. “We have no way to control what is said and we lack the time and energy to refute every erroneous idea or contention that is made.”

The President’s lamentation may be answered, though. The Internet Tax Freedom Act is due to expire November 1. This law blocks states from assessing taxes on Internet use. The House of Representatives has dealt with this issue by passing the Permanent Internet Tax Freedom Act (PITFA). PITFA is currently one of 300 House-passed bills being blocked by Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev).

The President isn’t the only one suffering a barrage of criticisms from pipsqueak yahoos on the web, I’ve had my share of abuse too,” Read grumbled. “We’ll see how outspoken these guys are once the states start hitting them with a couple hundred dollars a year in Internet access taxes.”

While Reid was pessimistic about ever “restoring total order to the information arena” he evinced a degree of confidence that “between state taxes and an Executive cut-off switch we can winnow out a significant number of unwelcome participants in public policy debates.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

 

 

In Arizona Primary, Who Would President Reagan Vote For?

Primary season is in full swing here in Arizona until its conclusion August 26th. Many hotly contested races are already being impacted by early voting. Until now, one very crucial question has evaded all: if President Ronald Reagan were still alive, and if he was a registered voter in Arizona, who would he vote for?

President Reagan personified the very essence of what it means to be a true Republican. If he examined the candidates in the Grand Canyon State, their past performances and what they stand for, how would he fill out his ballot? It’s a burning question that has waited until now to be asked and answered.

President Reagan once said, “The basis of conservatism is a desire for less government interference or less centralized authority or more individual freedom.”

President Reagan was one of America’s greatest champions for liberty:

Freedom prospers when religion is vibrant and the rule of law under God is acknowledged.

Government’s first duty is to protect the people, not run their lives.

Republicans believe every day is the Fourth of July, but the democrats believe every day is April 15.

The other party exploits the natural division between business and labor. Republicans are trying to bring all our citizens together in a campaign for economic progress.

Here in this land, for the first time, it was decided that man is born with certain God-given rights. We the people declared that government is created by the people for their own convenience. Government has no power except those voluntarily granted to it by we the people.

I will not stand by and watch this great country destroy itself under mediocre leadership that drifts from one crisis to the next, eroding our national will and purpose.

President Reagan was the first presidential candidate to adopt a position in support of the value of human life:

I call America–a good nation, a moral people–to charitable but realistic consideration of the terrible cost of abortion on demand. To those who say this violates a woman’s right to control of her own body: Can they deny that now medical evidence confirms the unborn child is a living human being entitled to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness? Let us unite as a nation and protect the unborn with legislation that would stop all Federal funding for abortion and with a human life amendment making, of course, an exception where the unborn child threatens the life of the mother. Our Judeo-Christian tradition recognizes the right of taking a life in self-defense. But with that one exception, let us look to those others in our land who cry out for children to adopt.

With President Reagan’s values in mind, we have a pretty good idea of how America’s greatest modern era president would have filled out his 2014 Arizona Primary ballot. Here it is:

Governor: Andy Thomas
Secretary of State: Will Cardon
Attorney General: Mark Brnovich
Treasurer: Randy Pullen
Supt. Of Public Instruction: Diane Douglas
State Mining Inspector: Joe Hart
Arizona Corporation Commission: Tom Forese, Vernon Parker

Congress
District 1: Adam Kwasman
District 2: Martha McSally or Chuck Wooten
District 3: Gabriela Saucedo Mercer
District 4: Paul Gosar
District 5: Matt Salmon
District 6: David Schweikert
District 7: no one
District 8: Trent Franks
District 9: Wendy Rogers

State Senators

Connie Uribe
Kelli Ward
The late Chester Crandall
Irene Littleton
Steve Smith
Andy Biggs
Ralph Heap
Don Shooter
Gail Griffin
Nancy Barto
David Farnsworth
Steve Yarbrough
Tom Morrissey
Kimberly Yee
Debbie Lesko
John Kavanaugh
Gary Cox

State Representatives

Linda Gray
Karen Fann
Sam Medrano
Brenda Barton
Darla Dawald
Vince Leach
Mark Finchem
Eddie Farnsworth
Warren Peterson
Darin Mitchell
Steve Montenegro
David Gowan
David Stephens
John Allen
David Smith
Kelly Townsend
John Fillmore
J.D. Mesnard
Jeff Weninger
John King
Jill Norgaard
Paul Boyer
Carl Seel
Rick Gray
David Livingston
Phil Lovas
Jay Lawrence
Michelle Ugenti
Rusty Bowers
Jerry Walker
Justin Olson
Shawnna Bolick
Mayor
Mesa–Danny Ray

Obama Eyes Emancipation Proclamation as Model for Amnesty Executive Order

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Folder2 104Insiders say that President Obama will use President Lincoln’s Emancipation Proclamation as the model for his anticipated Executive Order granting amnesty to millions of illegal immigrants. In 1862 Lincoln declared that all slaves in territory held by the Rebels were “forever free.” He justified it as a wartime necessity.

Those close to Obama say he views the parallels as “striking.” “As he sees it,” says an off-the-record source, “the vast majority of the illegal immigrants reside in states that are hostile to the Administration—at war with his efforts to transform the nation. Thus, as Commander-in-Chief he believes it is his right to act alone to both serve a broader justice and to weaken the strength of his political enemies.”

The beauty of it is that there’s nothing anyone can do to stop him should he decide to go ahead,” the source chortled. “He may not have the law or Constitution on his side, but he has strong support from national opinion makers. And if the GOP dares to impeach him for exceeding his authority a wave of Hispanic votes will sweep them aside in November.”

To his credit, Lincoln aware of the absence of explicit authority for his proclamation sucessfully lobbied for a Constitutional Amendment (the 13th) freeing the slaves. President Obama is reported to see no need for a similar move on his part to try to fix what he considers “a fatality flawed and essentially useless document.”

Judge Denies Plaintiff Access to IRS Emails

The quest of those victimized by the IRS’s discriminatory treatment of conservative groups hit a brick wall when U.S. District Court Judge Reggie Walton ruled that the plaintiffs failed to prove that denial of access to the emails would result in “irreparable” harm.

True the Vote,” a conservative organization dedicated to combating vote fraud, had requested that a forensic expert of the court’s choosing attempt to recover the “lost” emails of IRS official Lois Lerner. Lerner has refused to testify to Congress on the grounds that such testimony would be “self incriminating.”

Nonetheless, Judge Walton characterized the plaintiff’s suspicions as “excessively mistrustful of the government. The IRS has said that the emails in question are irretrievably lost. True the Vote has failed to produce any evidence that this is not the case.”

A spokesman for True the Vote called the ruling a “catch 22. We are denied the opportunity to probe for evidence because we don’t already have that evidence. This is despite the fact that a pattern of ‘lost emails’ amongst various government agencies is emerging. I don’t think we’re excessively mistrustful.”

Walton also ruled that “the fact that the plaintiffs are free to file lawsuits and are not languishing in some secret prison strikes me as pretty persuasive evidence that they have not suffered irreparable harm. Whether they may suffer such harm in the future is, at this point, speculative.”

In related news, House Oversight and Government Reform Committee chairman Darrell Issa (R-Calif) reports that more than 20 Obama Administration have “irretrievably lost” emails his committee has subpoenaed. Press Secretary Josh Earnest attributed this phenomenon to “extraordinary bad luck. We spend top dollar for the best computer equipment, yet this keeps happening over and over. The President is just livid about it.”

Weiner to Open Wiener Restaurant

Anthony Weiner, the former Democratic Congressman who gained wide notoriety by tweeting photos of his genitalia is ready to open a new chapter in his life. Spotting what he characterized as “an unfilled niche in the marketplace,” the ex-pol is set to embark upon a restaurant venture in the Queens borough of New York City.

The wiener, or hot dog, is an under appreciated delicacy,” Weiner maintains. “Too often it is relegated to street corner carts where it is hastily prepared, topped with pedestrian condiments, and carelessly scarfed down by the palate-challenged troglodytes who walk our streets.”

At Chez Weiner we will introduce diners to a truly gourmet experience,” Weiner boasted. “Instead of having to settle for a squirt of mustard or ketchup on their meat our patrons will have an array of classic choices with which to garnish their wieners. My own personal favorite is the foot-long dog tipped with a creamy Alfredo sauce, but we will also have Bearnaise, Béchamel, Velouté, Espagnole, Hollandaise, and tomato bisque along with ‘chef’s surprise’ toppings for special occasions.”

The menu won’t be circumscribed to solely wieners,” Weiner promised. “There will be a variety of drool-worthy bratwurst, kielbasa and other sausage-like options, we think will go down easy.”

Weiner said he expects to make heavy use of social media to promote his venture. “If I’ve learned anything from past experience it’s that whatever you put out there on Twitter goes a lot farther than you originally anticipated,” Weiner observed. “Once I show people what I’ve got I’m confident they’ll come and get it.”

Braley’s “Chickens Out” Demand Mars Senate Bid

Iowa’s Democratic nominee for the US Senate Bruce Braley’s hissy fit over a neighbor’s chickens may derail his electoral chances in this farm state. The trouble started when Braley espied a few of neighbor Pauline Hampton’s pet chickens strutting around the yard of his vacation home in the town of Brooklyn and filed a complaint with the home owners association.

In an attempt to be neighborly, Hampton proffered a gift of a dozen freshly laid eggs, but Bruce Braley would have none of it. “I can’t be bought off so cheaply,” Braley angrily asserted. “I’m a candidate for the United States Senate. I shouldn’t have to put up with unwanted fowl trespassing on my property. I deserve more respect.”

Hampton was blindsided by the vehemence of Braley’s reaction. “These are very gentle chickens,” Hampton insisted. “They don’t wander very far from home and they don’t pose a danger to anyone or anything.”

The PETA-endorsed Braley saw no irony in his demand that Hampton cage her chickens or face being sued for damages. “While I support the general concept of ‘free-range’ chickens I don’t want them on my doorstep,” the candidate said. Braley admitted that he doesn’t spend much time at his Brooklyn property, but insisted that “the very thought of these creatures invading my space even when I’m not there is an affront I can’t abide.”

Reid Says He Will Make No Apologies for Defending President’s Credibility

A big part of President Obama’s political message has been the travails he’s suffered because of a “do nothing” Congress. The fact that there are over 300 bills passed by the House that are currently being blocked by Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) would seem to rebut the President’s contention. Of these House passed bills, 50% passed unanimously, 70% passed with a 2/3rds majority, and 55 were introduced by Democrat members of the House.

The House has been active trying to craft legislation to address an array of problems,” Rep. Lynn Jenkins (R-Kan) pointed out. “The charge that we are doing nothing is mendacious propaganda. It is the Senate under the leadership of Harry Reid that is failing to undertake its legislative responsibilities.”

Reid defended his inaction on these bills. “The President is engaged in a desperate struggle over who will rule this nation,” Reid contended. “Faced with the option of helping him or cooperating with the House my choice is clear. If the President is to prevail in his struggle his argument must not be undermined. By helping to ensure that nothing can get through Congress the case for unilateral executive action is bolstered.”

The Majority Leader argued that recent polls showing that Congress is held in even lower repute than the President vindicate his strategy. “The whole concept of legislative government is confusing to the average American,” Reid said. “Voters want and deserve the clarity of having the man they chose as their President do what the country needs to have done. By validating his criticism of Congress I am helping him to retain his credibility in his fight. For that I make no apologies.”

911 Protocols Explained

When she heard someone breaking into her home, 80-year-old N.J. Logan grabbed a pistol and called 911. The Holmes Beach, Florida 911 operator repeatedly insisted that Logan “put down the gun.”

This seemingly counter intuitive advice was labeled “standard protocol” by Holmes Beach Police Captain Abbie Safer. “Our first priority must be to insure the safety of our officers. Ideally, only the police would have guns. Failing that it is our presumption that anyone else with a gun is a perp deadly force will be deployed.”

If Ms. Logan is armed when the police arrive she could get shot,” Safer continued. “Even worse, she could mistakenly shoot one of our officers. If she puts the gun down the casualty totals will almost certainly be lower. Chances are those breaking into her home are not armed. Even if they are a shoot out between the victim and the criminals risks multiple lives. An unarmed victim is usually not killed by burglars or rapists. So, on balance, we feel it is better that victims not attempt do-it-yourself self-defense. Wait and let the professionals handle it.”

Logan was not persuaded by either the initial urgent demands from the 911 operator or Captain Safer’s rationale. “It took the police 20 minutes to get there, who knows what might’ve happened while I had to wait for them?” she asked. The crooks, apprised by Ms. Logan that she had a gun, ran off long before the cops arrived.

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

 

 

Planned Parenthood Under Fire for Allowing Sexual Predator to Continue Abusing Girls

 

Alliance Defending Freedom filed a complaint with the Arizona Department of Health Services Thursday that asks the agency to investigate a Tempe Planned Parenthood facility under a new state law that empowers such investigations. Last month, ADF attorneys joined an Arizona Life Coalition press conference that called on state prosecutors to investigate the facility for allegedly failing to report, as state law requires, the rape of a young girl by 18-year-old Tyler Kost, who then reportedly went on to sexually assault others.

“Planned Parenthood’s main concern should be the safety of young girls, not the size of its profit margin,” said ADF Legal Counsel Natalie Decker. “Sadly, this is not an exception, and Planned Parenthood is abusing more than just taxpayer dollars. Their complicity in placing young girls at the mercy of adult male sexual predators can’t be ignored, nor should it be allowed to continue.”

Pinal County criminally charged Kost with 27 counts of sexual assault and abuse. According to police reports, a Planned Parenthood counselor told one of the alleged victims and her mother at an abortion consultation that it “wasn’t worth the hassle” to report that the minor had been raped. After that, Kost allegedly committed additional offenses against four other young females. In addition to the ADF complaint, the Pinal County Sheriff’s Office has asked the Arizona attorney general to investigate Planned Parenthood concerning the incident. Citizens are doing the same through an online petition.

In addition to the Arizona situation, Planned Parenthood has been sued in Colorado and inOhio for failing to report the sexual abuse of minors.

As the ADF complaint explains, “The allegations against Planned Parenthood AZ and its employees are not that it merely remained silent, which is itself a crime. The allegations are that Planned Parenthood deliberately misrepresented sexual abuse on a minor by Mr. Kost by deliberately miscoding a sexual assault as “consensual.…” Over and over again, in Arizona and across the country, Planned Parenthood facilities stand accused of repeatedly ignoring mandatory reporting laws, inevitably resulting in the continued victimization of young children.”

“Planned Parenthood has violated the health and safety of our daughters, putting them at risk,” added ADF Senior Counsel Michael J. Norton. “The Arizona attorney general and Department of Health Services should immediately investigate the Tempe facility to ensure no other young woman is told that sexual assault isn’t worth the ‘hassle’ of filing the mandatory report with police.”

ADF has been involved in several lawsuits involving Planned Parenthood secrecy and alleged fraud and recently submitted an updated report to Congress on the abuse of taxpayer dollars by the abortion giant’s affiliates. ADF has also been active in monitoring the Tempe Union High School District’s adoption of a Planned-Parenthood–promoted sex education curriculum as a “framework” for the district’s curriculum to ensure the district complies with state law.

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