By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
U.S. Secretary of the Treasury Timothy Geithner brushed off charges that the President’s “Stimulus Package” isn’t working.
“All this focus on unemployment misses the point,” Geithner contended. “The important objective is to effect the transfer of society’s resources from ‘weak hands’ to ‘strong hands.’ The stimulus, by allowing more of the country’s resources to be controlled by the government gives these funds over to ‘strong hands.’”
Geithner rebuffed Republican arguments that the private sector would more expeditiously and effectively revive the economy if taxes had been cut instead. “It’s not all about speed,” Geithner explained. “Private businesses can make quicker decisions than the government and create more jobs faster. But their focus would be on meeting the frivolous demands of a consumer culture. What we are building in this country is a more socially-oriented culture. For this to take hold, government must play the key role in channeling resources toward more important uses. That is what the stimulus will eventually do.”
President Obama confirmed Geithner’s assessment, saying “the stimulus is working great. If we had heeded our opponents there’s no telling how much money would’ve been wasted on the ill-considered schemes of a free market economy.”
Current unemployment stands at 9.5%. This is higher than the maximum of 9% that the Obama Administration projected in its campaign to rush the stimulus package through congress.
In related news, the House Ways and Means Chairman, Representative Charles Rangel (D-NY), announced that the Democratic majority will push through a $500 billion tax increase “in order to accelerate the President’s program of transferring more of the nation’s wealth from the ‘haves’ to the ‘have-nots.’”
President Perplexed at Pope’s Rejection of Compromise on Abortion
President Barack Obama’s meeting with Pope Benedict didn’t go as well as he had expected. Despite the President’s offer of a compromise on the abortion issue, “the Pope appeared uninterested in cutting a deal,” Obama complained.
“I agreed to take measures that would reduce the frequency with which abortions had to be performed,” Obama explained. “But he wouldn’t accept the idea that they should remain legal. This kind of inflexibility blocks any chance for brokering a compromise.”
As “sweeteners” for a possible compromise, Obama said he offered to take steps designed to make birth control devices more widely available. “I offered to fund increased distribution of condoms in the schools and churches, but the Pope wouldn’t even consider this idea,” he lamented. “It’s like he thinks he’s on some sort of moral high ground and isn’t willing to meet me half way.”
“I’ve done all I can at considerable political risk to myself,” Obama went on. “My compromise could’ve prevented thousands of abortions each year. If the Pope can’t bend a little we can’t have a deal. This innocent blood will now be on the Pope’s hands. I hope he can live with that.”
Obama Appointee Calls for Crackdown on Internet “Rumor Mongers”
Cass Sunstein, President Obama’s “Czar” of the White House Office of Information and Regulatory Affairs, has authored a new book titled: On Rumors: How Falsehoods Spread, Why We Believe Them, What Can Be Done. The book, slated for a Fall publication date, calls for a stringent crackdown on Internet blogging.
“Freed from the controls that assure a tempered viewpoint in the traditional media, the Internet has become a snake pit of slander against the government and those who support its efforts to transform our society into a more socially conscious and mutually supportive collective,” Sunstein writes. “Rather than continue to let this enemy within to spew their filth free from fear of consequences, the government needs to take decisive steps to rein them in.”
Sunstein’s remedy of choice will be to enlarge the scope of lawsuits to intimidate targeted “abusers of the privileges of the Internet.” “When these infamous scribblers see some of their kind financially ruined by libel suits they’ll think twice before launching their own attacks against the state,” Sunstein said. “I mean, most of these clowns are ‘small fry.’ Even if they wriggle out of the net in court they’ll still have had to spend a ton of money defending themselves.”
To obtain what Sunstein called “maximum chilling effect” new regulations he is working on would hold all websites liable for every comment posted. “The idea that someone can anonymously express scurrilous opinions by posting to someone else’s blog must come to an end,” Sunstein insisted. “By holding the site owner responsible we will force them to silence these free speech vandals.”
Lawsuit Asks California Court to Void “Two-Thirds” Rule for Tax Increases
Former UCLA chancellor Charles Young has filed a suit asking the California court to invalidate that state’s constitutional provision requiring that tax increases must obtain a two-thirds majority in both houses of the legislature in order to be enacted into law. The two-thirds rule passed by voters in a 1978 initiative, is held responsible for thwarting Democrat’s efforts to closed the budget deficit with a tax hike.
Young’s suit argues that “the two-thirds rule is undemocratic because it interferes with the majority’s right to control the state’s resources. It places the rights of the minority to hold onto their property ahead of the rights of the majority to appropriate it for the benefit of the state.”
Asked why he doesn’t attempt to abolish the two-thirds rule by launching his own initiative, Young candidly admitted that he didn’t think voters would sign petitions to get it on the ballot, much less vote for it on election day. In a May special election, California voters rejected five tax increase propositions by a 2-1 margin.
“Given a choice, people will tend to vote against taxes,” Young observed. “Voters are not as well informed about the government’s need for money as members of the legislature are. And as the current fiscal crisis has shown, the two-thirds rule prevents wiser heads in the legislature from acting in the best interests of the state.”
In related news, the California government employees’ union (Service Employees International) promised to “bring this state to its knees” if Governor Schwarzenegger doesn’t back off his plan to cut the state’s budget deficit by furloughing nonessential state workers. “Our members have families to support and bills to pay,” said union president Yvonne Walker. “They can’t afford the reduced pay that comes with the furloughed time off. It’s the government’s responsibility to see that our needs are met, especially in these times of economic recession. If it refuses to fulfill this responsibility we will shut it down.”
Schwarzenegger has implemented three-days-a-month furloughs. This amounts to a 14 percent pay cut for the state’s 235,000 employees.
Obama Defends “Science Czar”
President Barack Obama leapt to the defense of John Holdren, his new “Science Czar,” after critics raised concerns about policies Holdren recommended in a book he co-authored 30 years ago. In the book Ecoscience: Population, Resources, Environment, Holdren advocated a number of harsh measures he claimed should be undertaken by a “transnational planetary regime” in order to “save the planet.”
Among the measures Holdren said should be implemented were “forced sterilization of persons who contribute to social deterioration,” mandatory abortions of superfluous persons,” and lowering the birth rate by “injecting infertility drugs into the public water supply.”
The President characterized critics of Holdren’s recommendations as “closed minded.” “I think all reasonable people can agree that saving the planet is essential to human life,” Obama argued. “Measures that in calmer times might appear extreme, may be absolutely necessary under crisis conditions.”
The President added that “a rigid opposition based on selfish individualism would lead to social deterioration and, ironically, trigger one of the measures critics say they deplore.”
German Zoo Renames Monkey
After protests, the Dresden Zoo has relented and agreed to change the name of a new born mandrill monkey. The monkey was named Obama. Protestors deemed this to be demeaning to the American President.
“There were too many complaints and too many threats,” said a zoo spokesman who requested anonymity for what she called personal safety reasons. “To prevent harm to our animals and patrons we have consented to a new name for the animal.”
The monkey’s name has since been changed to “George W.”