By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
As the “Occupy Wall Street” protest entered its fourth week it received a ringing endorsement from President Obama who contrasted the protesters’ “sincerity” and “selflessness” with the “hypocrisy” and “self-serving greed” exhibited by the so-called “Tea Party.”
“The Wall Street protesters have put their whole selves into the fight for social justice,” Obama declared. “They’re not just showing up when it can be conveniently scheduled between working hours and tending to the kids like the right-wing opponents of my policies. They’re here day and night, rain or shine. Their dedication is a model of what it will take to transform America.”
It wasn’t only the methods of the protesters that the President found to his liking. Some of their specific policy prescriptions also met with his approval.
“As admirable as their tactics have been, let’s not overlook their refreshingly innovative ideas,” Obama urged. “A lot of them parallel what we’ve been trying to do with our stimulus program. Their call for a trillion dollars in additional infrastructure spending and another trillion in ‘green’ spending confirm that I’m on the right track.”
“Even better, their suggestion that the link between work and income be severed is a bold stride toward an ideal I thought was still off in the distant future,” the president enthused. “I mean, the biggest infringement on a person’s freedom is usually the hours he has to work to put food on the table and a roof over his head. If government were to ensure that these needs would be met a new era in human liberty could be reached.”
The president reserved his highest praise for the protesters’ demand that all outstanding debts be cancelled. “I realize that we in government have been thinking too small,” Obama said. “Our squabbling over how high to raise the debt ceiling is petty and bourgeois. All we’re doing is postponing the resolution of the problem. If we cancel all outstanding financial obligations we would eradicate the oppressive burden of debt that is hampering our ability to govern. It is an ingenious remedy for our current and potential future fiscal problems.”
Democratic campaign advisors are hoping that the President’s adoption of the “Occupy Wall Street” agenda will revive his faltering reelection prospects. “A program to free people from wage slavery would liberate more people than Lincoln’s Emancipation Proclamation did,” campaign advisor David Plouffe boasted. “And debt forgiveness would free the 61% of Americans who are home owners from servitude to mortgage bankers. I think there are enough votes to be gotten there alone to give the President a landslide victory in November of 2012.”
NY Gov Orders Social Services Translation Assistance
Complaining that it’s too hard for those who don’t speak English to get access to welfare and other benefits in the state, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo ordered state agencies to translate documents and provide interpreters to aid immigrants seeking public assistance.
“A person’s access to subsistence, housing, education, medicine and other necessities of life should not be contingent on an ability to speak or understand English,” Cuomo asserted. “We must not allow an arbitrarily imposed language barrier to trample human rights.”
The Governor insisted that “it is especially important that we make the extra effort to assist those here illegally. A person without documents is already at a great disadvantage when it comes to getting along in our society. Whether they are waiting on street corners looking for work or have ‘under-the-table’ jobs, they are in constant danger of arrest and deportation. To the extent that we can reduce such exposure by providing for their needs through our social services programs it is, I believe, our moral obligation to do so. The translation assistance I have authorized will help us to fulfill this obligation.”
Judge Rules Americans Have No Right to Choose What They Consume
Wisconsin Circuit Court Judge Patrick Fiedler ruled against families’ right to consume milk from their own cows. The ruling came in a dispute between the state’s Department of Agriculture and the families over how milk is to be produced, distributed and consumed in Wisconsin.
Fiedler rejected the plaintiffs’ contention that they had a fundamental and inherent right to consume milk from their own cows. “What foods may be grown or consumed is an issue subject to the discretion of the government,” Fiedler said. “Neither the state nor the federal Constitution grants individuals an explicit right to determine what they shall eat or drink. Consequently, the authority over such decisions is reserved to the state.”
The judge categorically dismissed the plaintiffs’ argument that powers not expressly delegated to the government were retained by the people under the Tenth Amendment to the US Constitution. “A careful reading of the cited Amendment reveals that the powers not delegated to the federal government are reserved to the states or the people,” Fiedler pointed out. “Since the states come before the people it is clear that the states have the overriding prerogative to act or not act on the matter. Therefore, if a state chooses to act its act supercedes whatever so-called fundamental or inherent rights the people may imagine they possess.”
That the plaintiffs believed that the state’s regulations endangered their health was also ruled irrelevant. “Whether the plaintiffs could incontrovertibly prove their belief that their home-grown product is ten-times safer than state regulated milk has no bearing,” Fiedler maintained. “The State’s authority is a question of law. It cannot be constrained, diluted, or modified by resort to alleged scientific proof or evidence.”
President Defends Solyndra Loan
The bankruptcy of the Solyndra solar panel manufacturing firm that received over $500 million in federal aid has not dimmed President Obama’s confidence in his “green economy” policy.
“While things haven’t exactly worked out liked we’d hoped, I still think that, on balance, it was the right decision,” Obama insisted. “First, it set a new tone for federal policy. We want everyone to know that this Administration isn’t going to be stuck in a rut narrowly focused on what has worked in the past. We’re willing to take risks in pursuit of a brighter future.”
“Second, even if Solyndra has gone belly-up, we did inject $500 million into a struggling economy,” the president contended. “That’s $500 million more than would’ve been injected if we didn’t go forward with the project. The continued ripple effects of this investment shouldn’t be overlooked.”
Obama brushed aside criticism of Solyndra’s business plan that some argue should’ve been a “red flag” warning. “I’m aware that the Bush Administration rejected Solyndra’s application,” Obama said. “It was their view that investing in a product that cost more to make than its selling price was a bad idea. This is the kind of ‘bean-counting’ mindset that blocks social progress. This way of thinking would also block government investments high-speed rail, public transit, and virtually every stimulus initiative we’ve tried.”
The president said he looks forward to the day when “social benefit replaces profit as the guiding force in how society’s resources are deployed. Whether a product makes money is less important than whether it is good for people. Solar energy is good for people. We should be proud that we made the effort to promote it. In this respect, I hope voters will see that we are headed in the right direction.”
Attorney General Deflects Claim He Lied to Congress on Gun Scandal
Evidence that Attorney General Eric Holder lied to Congress when he denied any knowledge of the “Fast and Furious” plan to arm Mexican drug gangsters is fueling calls for his resignation. The evidence is in the form of memos indicating that Holder was briefed on the plan a year before he told Congress he knew nothing about it.
“Just because there are memos addressed to me doesn’t prove that I received or read them,” Holder argued. “Surely, members of Congress have received many items addressed to them that they haven’t read.”
“And even if I did read them, couldn’t I have forgotten that I had or been unable to recall what I’d read?” Holder asked. “Does anyone remember everything he reads? I get dozens of memos a day. Why should I remember a handful of them on any one topic?”
“Supposing I did read and remember these memos, why should I have to tell Congress anything about them?” Holder went on. “Covert programs are on a need to know basis. Telling Congress would be an unnecessary breach of confidentiality. I mean, it’s not as if they’re going to be of any help to the program.”
President Obama gave Holder a strong vote of support in his battle against what he called “Congressional invasion of executive authority.” “I have complete confidence in Attorney General Holder,” Obama said. “He answers to me, not to Congress. Whether the Attorney General did or didn’t approve these weapons sales, whether he did or didn’t lie to Congress are matters protected by Executive Privilege. Any attack on the Attorney General is an attack on me. He and I will respond as I deem appropriate.”
In related news, Representative Edolphous Towns (D-NY) has introduced legislation that would permanently seal all presidential records. “As it is, presidents have practically no privacy,” Towns complained. “Everything they do is subjected to the minutest scrutiny. What my bill will do is protect ex-presidents from unwarranted curiosity and enable them to enjoy their retirement after selflessly and nobly serving their country.”
A Satirical Look at Recent News