John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) issued a stern warning to voters against electing Governor Mitt Romney as president.
“Mr. Romney is touting himself as someone who can work with members of the opposing party,” Reid observed. “But let me remind everyone that it takes two to tango. And I’m not dancing to any tune Romney wants to play.”
“Voters thinking of going for Romney need to reconsider whether they want to institutionalize a stalemate in the federal government,” Reid advised. “I’m promising right now that no bill supported by a President Romney will ever get a hearing as long as I’m Majority Leader.”
Reid suggested that “the only way I can see us getting anything done is for Romney to jettison the Tea Party’s push for lower taxes and smaller government. This country has big problems. It will take a big government to solve them. If a Romney Administration acknowledges this truth maybe there’ll be a common ground from which we can work for a brighter future.”
In related news, confident that President Barack Obama will be reelected for a second term, White House Senior Adviser Valerie Jarret promised that “those who’ve gone against us will rue the day. As the President has reminded everyone, this will be the last election. So, there will be no need for him to restrain himself for fear of alienating would-be future voters.”
Warning Cable from Libyan Ambassador Discounted
The emergence of an August 15th cable from Libyan Ambassador Chris Stephens to Secretary of State Hillary Clinton warning that the Consulate was vulnerable to attack was brushed aside by the Secretary.
“The date of that cable was less than four weeks before the September 11th attack,” Clinton pointed out. “That’s far short of the normal turnaround time for State Department action. We still haven’t fully evaluated the June attack on a British envoy in Libya. So, I hope everyone can appreciate why we were taken by surprise on September 11th.”
Clinton also cited “the stupefying ambiguity of Ambassador Stephens cable. What does ‘vulnerable to a coordinated attack’ mean? How might that be different from an uncoordinated attack? And how do you define ‘vulnerable?’ The Ambassador provided no projection of estimated casualties or even whether there would be any at all. His message was maddeningly vague and incomplete.”
The Secretary offered up the September 11th communications from the Consulate as further proof of the dilemma she and President Obama faced on that day. “Yes, the e-mail said the Consulate was under attack,” Clinton agreed. “But there were no head counts of the number of attackers, no description of the kinds and numbers of weapons being used. I mean, even now, almost two months later, there is no consensus within the Administration on what the appropriate response should’ve been.”
Clinton counseled against “using the tragic events of September 11th as a rationale for changing administrations. Why discard those who know the most about the situation? A Romney Administration would be essentially starting from scratch. Wouldn’t it make more sense to preserve the institutional knowledge we already have by returning the current Administration for another four years?”
Offer of Help Rebuffed
Though hurricane Sandy knocked out power lines across a wide swath of the state, an offer of assistance from employees of utility companies located in Alabama was rebuffed by New Jersey officials.
“It’s not that we don’t appreciate the gesture,” said a chagrined Governor Christie. “It’s just inappropriate for our state’s work environment.”
The issue seems to be that the Alabama utility employees aren’t union men. “New Jersey is not a right-to-work state,” Christie pointed out. “Not just anyone can be allowed to do work that is reserved for union members.”
Christie admitted that “putting extra men on the job would speed up repairs, but this has to be balanced against the rights of unions to get this work.”
Barring the non-union workers “was also for their own safety,” the Governor added. “Jersey unions take their rights very seriously. They are not averse to enforcing them by violent means if necessary. Anyone who’s seen The Sopranos knows what I’m talking about.”
The Sopranos was a TV show about gangsters in New Jersey.
Bloomberg Endorses Obama
New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg endorsed President Obama for reelection. The decisive issue according to Bloomberg: global warming.
“If hurricane Sandy has shown us anything it is that all other issues dwindle into insignificance in the face of catastrophic climate change,” Bloomberg contended. “While it could be argued that nothing we could do would be significant enough to avert climate change, the point is that the President cares. He’s on record wanting the seas to recede.”
“In contrast, Romney has ignored this issue in order to focus on deficits, taxes, jobs, and terrorism—all are piffling concerns in comparison,” Bloomberg asserted. “People who care about the biggest issue of our time—or any time, really—should vote for Obama.”
The Obama campaign is hoping that Bloomberg’s endorsement will help lessen the sting of Vice-President Joe Biden’s admission this week that “there’s never been a day in the last four years I’ve been proud to be his VP.”
In related news, Bloomberg praised “the toughness of New Yorkers in coping with the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy—probably the worst natural disaster any humans have had to face in recorded history.”
Thus far, the coping strategies of tough New Yorkers have included raiding dumpsters for food, defecating in apartment hallways, and looting electronics from local businesses. One looter justified stealing a TV from a Coney Island Rent-a-Center saying “they’ve been looting our wallets for too long. It’s about time we start taking this sh**back.”
Senator Says Sexcapade in Dominican Republic Legal
Senator Bob Menendez (D-NJ) rebuffed allegations of impropriety surrounding reports that he paid two Dominican prostitutes for sex during a visit to the island nation earlier this year.
“First of all, prostitution is completely legal in the Dominican Republic,” Menendez asserted. “Why should I be lambasted for engaging in a legitimate business transaction?”
As for allegations that he short-changed the women for services rendered, the Senator snorted, “get real. I might pay $500 in New Jersey, but that’s not a fair price in the Dominican Republic. When you adjust for the lower standard of living there and the fact that prostitution is not illegal I think everyone would have to agree that the $100 I gave each of them was very generous.”
The Senator sought to differentiate his situation from that of a prostitution scandal involving the President’s Secret Service in Colombia earlier this year. “The situations are not the same,” he insisted. “They worked for the President. Their actions reflected badly on their boss. They deserved to be fired. I’m a senator. I have no boss. So, there’s no one who can fire me.”
Menendez expressed confidence that “this attempt by right-wingers to discredit my choice of recreational activities abroad won’t derail my reelection bid. The voters of New Jersey know me. They know I’m the one who can best represent their values in Washington.”
Colorado “Democrat of the Year” Convicted of Theft
Estelle Carson was selected as “Democrat of the Year” for Jefferson County, Colorado for 2012 despite being under indictment for stealing from a 71-year-old wheelchair-bound woman who is partially blind and suffers from cerebral palsy.
Though Carson was under investigation at the time Chris Kennedy, chairman of the Jefferson County Democratic Party, presented her with the award, Kennedy said she didn’t think it would’ve been fair to allow that to influence her actions.
“The award is in recognition of efforts on behalf of the Democratic Party,” Kennedy explained. “Ms. Carson’s theft in no way diminishes what she has done for our Party. In fact, it’s possible that without the resources she was able to appropriate from this other person, Estelle might not have been as free to work on behalf of the Party.”
Kennedy admitted that she didn’t know enough about the specifics of the case to render a judgment “as to the equity of the redistribution Ms. Carson effected. Just because a person has disabilities doesn’t mean that they need all the money they have.”
President Urges Supporters to “Take Revenge” against Romney
In a campaign stop in Ohio President Obama urged supporters to “take revenge” against Romney next Tuesday.
Asked what might be the justification for vengeance Obama campaign spokesperson Stephanie Cutter explained that “Romney has caused a lot of people a lot of pain in this election campaign. Voters should have no doubt that he plans to undo much of the progress the Obama Administration has achieved over the last four years.”
“His whole ‘get people back to work’ promise would re-enslave the millions President Obama’s policies have liberated from the drudgery of having to go to a job every week,” Cutter said. “Being pushed into a job may be fine for those willing and able to work, but what about those who are unwilling or unable? Those with an underdeveloped work ethic will be the big losers under a Romney Administration. The President is just trying to remind these people to make the minimal effort to vote lest they be faced with the more more arduous task of having to work for a living should Obama lose the election.”
Unpersuaded that simply voting against Romney—even multiple times—will be sufficient, some Obama supporters are endeavoring to induce neighbors to reelect the President in order to prevent them from rioting. As one twitter put it, “we will make the Rodney King riot look like a Sunday School picnic.”
A Satirical Look at Recent News
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