By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
In a bid to stiffen the resolve of wavering congressional Democrats, President Barack Obama boasted that he will put his reelection on the line if that is what it takes to get a bill passed and not “cower from confrontation like a former occupant of this office did when faced with similar opposition.”
The “cowering” predecessor would be former President Bill Clinton who backed off from his administration’s health care legislation as opposition poured in from voters across the nation.
Press Secretary Robert Gibbs explained that “as far as the President is concerned, his most important accomplishment—being the first African-American elected to the office—has already been attained. Everything from here on is pure gravy.”
In related news, House Energy and Commerce Committee Chairman Henry Waxman (D-Calif) warned Republican members of congress that trying to stop the health care bill would be “a serious mistake.” “We have the votes to pass it without any Republican support,” he reminded. “We can write the bill anyway we want.” Waxman’s remarks are believed to refer to a provision that would strip those who vote “no” of their special congressional health care insurance and force them into the “public option” insurance category that would be established under the proposed legislation.
President Denounces “Disinformation” Campaign against His Health Care Proposal
President Barack Obama came out swinging against the “wee-weed up” opponents of his health care bill, claiming that contentions it will lead to runaway government spending are unfounded.
“Using past cost overruns in Medicare and Medicaid as a forecast for my reform is misleading,” Obama declared. “My bill has provisions that will prevent irresponsible spending.”
“First, my reform will ensure that any woman who wants an abortion will get an abortion,” Obama pointed out. “This simple procedure will save the government a lifetime of medical expenses that would otherwise be incurred tending to the needs of these unwanted children.”
“Second, my reform calls for careful cost-benefit analysis that will avoid expenditures on low-yield outcomes,” he continued. “Statistics show that the majority of medical spending occurs in the last few years of people’s lives. This only prolongs the agony of the feeble. It would be more prudent and merciful to cull these individuals from the herd by implementing a well-funded and robust ‘end-of-life’ counseling program.”
“Third, my reform will cut spending on unnecessary frills,” Obama said. One of the “frills” targeted for reduced spending is anesthesia. The idea is that it will make surgeons work faster—saving both on the lower expenses for anesthesia and fewer physicians’ hours that have to be compensated.
“So, it should be clear that those contending my plan will lead to bankruptcy are misleading people,” he concluded. “We are in the process of gathering information that will hold these false witnesses accountable.”
Press Secretary Robert Gibbs explained that the unfamiliar phrase of “wee-weed up” used by the President meant that, “essentially, he’s calling his opponents a bunch of bed-wetters.”
Senator Kennedy Demands Right to Name Own Successor
Senator Ted Kennedy (D-Mass) has asked the state legislature to change the law so he can name his own replacement in the US Senate. A spokesman for the ailing senator said “the Senator is concerned that he may not live long enough to cast his vote for the current health care bill and ensure that America is on the path to realizing his life long dream for a single-payer national health system.”
Kennedy has couched his request as a cost-saving measure. In a letter to the Massachusetts state legislature the Senator wrote, “I have held this seat for four decades. Despite scandalous allegations that may have felled a lesser man, I’ve been returned to office repeatedly by wide margins. Rather than force voters to choose a replacement as current law requires, I feel it would be more cost-effective for me to name my own successor.”
State Republican Party Vice-Chairman, Casper Meek said his Party was “not necessarily opposed to Kennedy’s idea.” “Look, voters in this state are ‘whacked,’” Meek observed. “A Democrat could commit murder and still get elected. Our Party is just banging its head against a wall contesting these elections. So, why not save us the trouble?”
In addition to repeatedly reelecting Ted (The Swimmer) Kennedy to the US Senate, at the state level, Democrats outnumber Republicans in the lower house by 6 to one and in the senate by 8 to one. “They might as well make the position hereditary,” Meek said. “The state would have better odds for a decent and respectable senator from a genetic mutation than we would with Massachusetts voters making the decision.”
In related news, Representative Barney Frank (D-Mass) characterized his constituents who attended his “town hall” meeting to oppose Obama’s health care bill as “excessively anal in the worst sense of the word—picking over every detail of the bill.” “How can you elect me, yet oppose what I stand for?” Frank shouted at the crowd. “What’s wrong with you?”
Obama Says God Supports His Health Care Plan
In a conference call to over 1,000 religious leaders, President Barack Obama revealed what he called his “hole card” in the battle for passage of his health care reform.
“Opponents of my legislation may have the rich, the racists, the evil-mongers, and the ‘unAmericans’ on their side,” Obama contended. “But I have God on my side.”
The President asserted that “unlike our opponents who shy away from the tough issue of life and death, God and I have ‘partnered’ on this crucial issue. Who shall live and who shall die will be a joint decision.”
Obama cautioned against “letting the scaremongers deflect us from the righteous path. When the highest heavenly authority and the highest earthly authority are united, only those on the side of the devil will oppose us.”
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) said he was “glad the President finally went public with what we’ve intuitively known all along” and that “in this titanic battle between good and evil we are justified in doing whatever it takes to ensure that this bill is passed.”
Restrict Gun Rights to Protect Government Officials Says Congresswoman
Representative Eleanor Holmes Norton (D-DC) called on U.S. Department of Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano to restrict the carrying of weapons openly or concealed near areas where the President or other government officials may be located.
The congresswoman called the display of firearms in such locations “a showing of disrespect and potential disobedience toward the government and its agents.” “Government officials shouldn’t have to fear the people,” Norton said. “We need to be confident that no matter what we do, no matter how unpopular we may be, we will still be safe.”
Norton acknowledged that the President and government officials have armed bodyguards accompanying them wherever they go, but that this might not be sufficient. “These bodyguards are government employees, and as we all know, government employees aren’t always diligent or effective,” Norton pointed out. “A disarmed and supine population would be much more reassuring from our perspective.”
In related news, MSNBC defended the “racist” slant of it’s coverage of weapons carried by some of the attendees to a “town hall” meeting in Arizona. “The President is black, what more do we need to know in order to see the inherent racism of those who oppose him?” asked MSNBC spokesman Lyle Longley. “Should we just stand by and let a racist ‘lynch mob’ take him down?” Video showing the face revealed that the gun toting individual featured in the MSNBC broadcast was black.
ABC News Anchor Demands Sheehan Cease Anti-War Protests
ABC News’ Charles Gibson said he was confident that he was speaking for all Americans when he suggested that long-time anti-war protester Cindy Sheehan “give it a rest.”
“Look, as far we are concerned, Sheehan’s antics have served their purpose,” Gibson declared. “Bush is gone. We have a new president. We should all be supporting him in the difficult job of managing the country’s war effort. We should not be tearing him down and aiding the nation’s enemies.”
Gibson insisted he meant no disrespect for Ms. Sheehan. “She did a marvelous job when it was needed,” Gibson said. “Her time in the spotlight is over. Enough is enough. When a player’s part is over it’s time to leave the stage.”