Democrat Enraged Over Revived Interest in Rich Murder

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnLong-time Democratic Party operative John Podesta proclaimed former House Speaker Newt Ginrich’s speculation that DNC staffer Seth Rich may have been assassinated “disgusting.”

After so much time has passed I think it’s likely that we’ll never know why this young man died,” Podesta asserted. “The DC police forgot to ask for surveillance tapes from all the CCTVs in the vicinity of the shooting. They forgot to seek witnesses at the bar Seth visited just before he died. They have his laptop, but since he didn’t have it with him when he was shot I don’t see how it could shed any light on the crime. There just aren’t any more clues to be found.”

Gingrich contended that “the absence of any evidence that Rich was robbed casts doubt over the hastily offered theory that the murder was part of a robbery gone wrong. Since that theory hasn’t solved the case perhaps other theories of the crime should be considered. The emergence of a claim by Kim Dotcom that he worked with Rich to forward DNC emails to Wikileaks and that Rich might have been murdered in retaliation is a plausible alternative theory that, in my opinion, merits examination.”

An alternate theory that might explain Podesta’s rage at the renewed interest in the fate of Seth Rich might be the revelation in one of his emails published by Wikileaks, where he wrote that he was “definitely for making an example of a suspected leaker whether or not we have any real basis for it.” If, as Dotcom claims, Rich was the Wikileaks source, his murder could be “an example” aimed at discouraging other potentially disloyal Democrats.

European Leaders Say Islamic Attacks “Not a Major Threat”

Murderous attacks by Islamic fanatics in the United Kingdom, Egypt, Indonesia, and the Philippines this week moved US President Donald Trump to make an impassioned plea for the civilized world to unite to fight against this terrorism. As obvious as such a call to action would appear to rational individuals, it inspired push back from several European leaders.

French President Emmanuel Macron challenged Trump’s priorities saying that “the murder of concert goers or nightclub patrons by ‘lone wolf’ terrorists does not pose the same existential threat that global climate change does. As heart breaking as the mass slaying of Ariana Grande’s fans may have been, it doesn’t rise to the level of a significant threat to our way of life. No important leader of any nation was endangered. Every important leader agrees that resources must not be diverted away from the more serious environmental issue of fighting global warming.”

German Chancellor Angela Merkel seconded Macron’s views and added her own objections to Trump’s suggestion that her country honor its NATO obligations. “Mr. Trump’s single-minded focus on military strength as the proper response to terror not only detracts from the unity necessary to combat climate change, it also overlooks the spending we have incurred in bringing Middle Easter refugees to Germany,” she said. “In the short-run some of these refugees have ‘bitten the hand that feeds them,’ but over the longer term the fecundity of these immigrants will ensure a more harmonious future for our country and the world.”

UK Prime Minister Theresa May observed that “the irony of Mr. Trump’s position is that it is the United States that poses the biggest threat to the rest of the world. Under his leadership, it is the United States that is out-of-step with the rest of us. His call for terrorists to be ‘driven out of this earth’ is culturally insensitive and burns the bridges we have been trying to build through our refugee rescue efforts. Trump’s notion that we should fight to preserve ‘Western values’ is a false hope. Islam’s march to world domination cannot be prevented. Their belief in their vision is so strong they are willing to die to make it happen. We cannot match their fervor. An accommodation is our only sensible option and Mr. Trump is the biggest single barrier to achieving it.”

Former US President Barack Obama traveled to Europe to express his solidarity with “their more sophisticated understanding of reality. Europe isn’t trying to wall itself off from immigration like Trump wants the United States to do. Walls send a hostile message telling others to ‘stay out of my yard.’ Good neighbors aren’t so obsessively possessive. They don’t fuss if the kids next door play in their yard. They cooperate to promote a safe and healthy environment like that sought by the Paris Accord on climate change. They cooperate to provide refuge for those fleeing war or poverty as Germany has so heroically done the last few years.”

Despite his denigration of Trump’s pledge to protect America from unsavory outsiders, the ex-president’s DC residence just completed construction of its own impressive wall around the property. Obama confidante Valerie Jarrett denied that there was any hypocrisy, saying that “the wall is needed to protect against the violent society that Trump’s election has brought to this country.”

In related news, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) rebuked President Trump’s foreign trip, alleging that “visiting these places out of alphabetical order is a sign of mental disorder. Going to Saudi Arabia before going to Israel and France is, to me, unfathomable. No one in their right mind would do that. Clearly, our nation is being run by a person unfit for the office.”

Trump Wants Work Requirement for Food Stamps

A feature of Trump’s proposed federal budget that former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton labeled “unimaginably cruel” is a requirement that able-bodied persons receiving food stamps do a small amount of work in exchange for the benefit.

Making people work in order to eat is slavery, pure and simple,” Clinton declared. “People shouldn’t be punished for being poor and hungry. The choice of whether to work or not is one that should freely made without economic duress.”

Let’s face it,” she said, “for most of those on food stamps the work alternatives available are dead-end drudgery. No one dreams of jobs like these and no one should be forced to give up their dreams just to put food on the table. America is rich enough to put food on everyone’s table. It is the moral obligation of those who have more than they need to care for those who have less. It is the government’s obligation to compel those who do not voluntarily fulfill this obligation.”

CBS Exposes Deadly Impact of “Trump Economy”

The upsurge in economic activity that has followed from Donald Trump’s elevation to the presidency has an unpublicized “dark side” according to a recent newscast from CBS.

Network correspondent Norah O’Donnell explained that “what the Trump Administration failed to consider was that getting people off unemployment and welfare and into the workforce means more will be on the roads driving to their jobs. This exposes them to higher risk of death and injury in traffic crashes.”

Worse, the risk isn’t confined to the work commute,” O’Donnell breathlessly told viewers. “When people are more prosperous they also travel more for recreation. In fact, the National Safety Council predicts more than 400 people could be killed in crashes this Memorial Day Weekend. The concealment of this information by President Trump is a crime against humanity.”

The safety gains the nation enjoyed under the Obama Administration as millions exited the work-a-day rat race are being cast aside by a mindless fixation on the notion that working is a good thing,” O’Donnell observed. “Facebook founder and acknowledged genius, Mark Zuckerberg pointed the way to a happier and safer future with his recommendation that the government ought to provide an income for everyone so they won’t have to take on the risky task of working just to support themselves.”

Ironically, Zuckerberg disavowed such a strategy for his own employees “because I’m trying to run a business. If I paid people regardless of whether they did any work, output would decline. Work is a disutility. That’s why people have to be paid to do it. If we don’t pay them they won’t work or won’t work as hard or as long. My business would fail.”

Zuckerberg insisted that “the same rules don’t apply to the government. For one, the government has the power to print money. It will never go out of business due to declining output. Second, the government doesn’t have to sell its output in order to earn money. It can just take it through taxation. Finally, outside of transferring money from those who don’t need it to those who do, it is not apparent that the government has any actual essential product or service to offer customers, per se. All the agitation for government programs is basically comprised of calls for someone else to foot the bill for the benefits being demanded.”

UN Says Trump Budget Inadequate

The Trump Administration’s budget aims to reduce the United States’ annual contribution toward funding the United Nations. Stephane Dujarric, spokesman for U.N. Secretary-General Antonio Guterres, complained that “the amounts laid out in the budget aren’t sufficient for us to continue the vital work of the organization.”

Currently, there are 193 member nations in the UN. The US has been paying 22% of the UN’s $5.4 billion “core” budget and 28% of the UN’s $7.9 billion “peacekeeping” budget. Trump’s budget proposal would cut the US contribution by one-third and cap the US share of “peacekeeping” at 25%.

Dujarric declared that “the notion that the United States can unilaterally decide how much it will pay is offensive to me. For one, it’s undemocratic. The US represents only 5% of the world population. Allowing a minority to overrule the 95% that wishes the US to pay more is tyranny. The US already has an unfair proportion of the world’s total wealth. It has a moral obligation to share this with those less fortunate. Paying a larger portion of the UN’s expenses would be a convenient start on a more equitable distribution of wealth.”

Obama Admin Spying “Pervasive” and “Illegal”

Recently declassified documents reveal that the Obama Administration’s spying on American citizens went far beyond what the law allowed. Under a pretext of surveilling foreigners, intelligence agencies under Obama gathered data on political opponents and illegally shared this information with outside parties.

Former FBI Director James Comey falsely assured Congress that “this information was lawfully collected, carefully overseen and checked.” In contrast, an Inspector General’s report found “disregard for rules, inadequate training and deficient oversight.” The Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Court (FISA) found “hundreds of violations of the FBI’s rules” that occurred during Comey’s tenure as FBI Director.

Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) told CNN’s Wolf Blitzer that “this is very troubling now that Trump is president. The absence of the calming guidance of former President Obama heightens the risk that snooping will be used for evil purposes. Violations that occurred in pursuit of a more socially just world under Obama could easily be turned toward maleficent ends under Trump.”

Blitzer concurred, opining that “no one I know and trust had the least bit of concern when President Obama was in charge. Now, though, anxiety levels are the highest I have ever seen. Will Trump abuse this power to try to spy on progressives? Will he use illegally obtained information to try to intimidate his opposition? I think this may add a new sense of urgency to the movement to remove him from office before this can happen.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Media Assails Trump’s “Witch Hunt” Accusation

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnPresident Donald Trump’s accusation that the media have subjected him to “the worst witch hunt ever experienced by an American politician” was assailed by NBC’s Lester Holt as “wrong in so many ways.”

Mr .Trump’s careless use of the language is yet another page of the case against his presidency,” Holt contended. “Witches are female. The continuing efforts of the GOP to pursue charges against Hillary Clinton that former FBI Director James Comey declared baseless could be fairly described as a witch hunt. The pursuit of Trump’s conspiracy with the Russians to derail her presidential bid would be more accurately termed a ‘warlock hunt.’”

Let’s not forget that Republicans repeatedly dredged up allegations that Secretary Clinton misrepresented the Benghazi attack and impeded rescue, that she traded State Department favors for donations to the Clinton Foundation and hefty speaking fees for her husband, that she illegally transferred classified State Department documents to an off-site insecure computer network, that she conspired with the DNC to rig the Democratic primary in her favor—none of which has been proven beyond a reasonable doubt in a court of law,” Holt pointed out. “Compare these bogus charges with the persuasive case made by Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif) that the Trump campaign’s use of the phrases ‘crooked Hillary’ and ‘lock her up’ show all the classic signs of a Russian disinformation operation and we can see where the truly evil machinations are coming from.”

You’d have thought that the GOP would’ve learned their lesson from their persecution of President Bill Clinton and failed effort to impeach him,” Holt added. “There is no argument or evidence that will put us off the scent. This illegitimate administration is an artifact of a out-dated electoral college system that allowed a minority of voters to trample the will of the majority. We will not be frightened away from our duty to do everything in our power to right this wrong.”

In related news, a study just released by Harvard University’s Shorenstein Center on Media, Politics and Public Policy found that every one of ten of the major media outlets analyzed have had a bias toward negative portrayals of the Trump Administration. TV news from CNN, NBC, and CBS have been more than 90 percent negative. The New York Times andWashington Post have been more than 80 percent negative. Even supposedly conservative media like the Wall Street Journal and Fox News have been 70 percent and 52 percent negative. The coverage for the previous three administrations was far different, Obama got about a 60 percent positive slant. Bush and Clinton both got a negative slant, but with a more modest 60 percent negative slant.

DOJ Statements in Wake of Comey Dismissal Doubted

The hysterical media narrative that Trump’s firing of FBI Director James Comey is evidence of “obstruction of justice” took several hits this week when statements from Department of Justice personnel contradicted this premise.

Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein said “I stand by my recommendation that Director Comey be fired. There were just too many instances in which he demonstrated failure and lack of adherence to clearly defined responsibilities. I was convinced that he was not and could not be an effective leader of the FBI.”

Acting FBI Director Andrew McCabe rebutted the notion that Trump’s action to fire Comey would have any effect on the Agency’s investigation of anything. “There has been no effort to impede our investigation,” McCabe said. He also denied that the Russian investigation was underfunded. “The allegation that Comey could’ve been fired because he sought more funding is not supported by the facts.”

Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) asserted that “the statements by Rosenstein and McCabe cannot be taken at face value. After Trump has fired Comey an atmosphere of fear has gripped the nation. These men, regardless of their desire to do the right thing can’t help but be intimidated. Their jobs, maybe even their lives might be on the line if they get crosswise with the President.”

In related news, Rod Wheeler, a private investigator hired to look into the murder of DNC employee Seth Rich last July relayed some disturbing information about his inquiries. “So far the so-called official investigation has gone nowhere,” Wheeler observed. “Despite making no progress on their own, DC police contacted my employers to communicate the DNC’s concern about me ‘snooping around’ the case. One of the things that has come out is that tens of thousands of DNC emails were turned over to Wikileaks last year. This raises the possibility that Rich might have been murdered in retaliation for that. The raw facts of the murder don’t support the official theory that he was killed in a robbery. None of his valuables—not his wallet, not his watch, not his cell phone—were stolen. The unfortunate Mr. Rich is another victim in a long string of a mysterious and unsolved homicides of individuals connected to the Democratic Party.”

Governor Calls Taxpayers “Freeloaders”

California Governor Jerry Brown (D) lashed out at opponents of recent state tax increases calling them “freeloaders.”

I’ve had it with then,” Brown complained. “They think that they have a champion in Trump whose ‘siren song’ of self-reliance as the way to prosperity is leading so many away from their responsibility to the human collective. The reluctance to pay taxes is selfish. It is everyone’s obligation to carry their fair share of the burden. It is the government task to determine what that share is for each individual. Once that determination is made refusal to cooperate is anti-social.”

The State’s latest tax hike raised already high levies on gasoline and automobile registrations. Harried taxpayer Kira Davis bristled at the Governor’s characterization, “without taxpayers there would be no funding for the millions of Californians on welfare and the lame public works boondoggles that are aimed at getting votes for the Democrats whose only contribution is to contrive egregious schemes to loot those who produce the wealth of this state.”

Brown invited “Davis and all the other crybabies to get with the program or get out. We don’t need the poison of uncooperative ideas polluting our state and slowing our progress. If we all march in step there’s no limit to what we can accomplish as a society.”

The Governor warned those he urged to leave the state “to abandon the hope that they will be allowed to take their money with them. All wealth is the property of all the people. Democrats control both Houses of the legislature. I see no impediment to enactment of an exit tax that will ensure that resources belonging to the state stay in the state.”

In related news, illegal aliens in San Francisco are reportedly avoiding joining the welfare rolls believing that it may help them escape detection and possible deportation—a trend that Brown called “tragic. The whole point of immigrating to America is to share in the abundance that nature has bestowed on our great country. This behavior inspired by Trump’s hostility to others partaking of the American dream is, in my opinion, an impeachable offense.”

Candidate Says “Sexploits” Make Him Ideal Person to Govern

Noah Dyer, a Democratic candidate for governor in Arizona, boasts that “my extensive sexual experiences equip me to understand the issues most important to the citizens of this state. For adults, and some children, sex is the most rewarding activity they will ever know. Few others understand this as well as I do. That will be the key to my ascension to the throne of governor.”

Dyer laid out his qualifications arguing that “my frequent casual sex, sex with married women, sex with multiple partners at once, sexting, and video-taping my sexual encounters demonstrate an unprecedented transparency among those of us who will seek votes in the upcoming race. My willingness to share videos of myself having sex with beautiful people will dominate the insipid family photos that my opponents will try to pass off as proof of their fitness.”

The candidate said he couldn’t “rule out the possibility that the vast number of individuals who have enjoyed my lovemaking might constitute a majority of eligible voters in the state. When you’ve banged as many people as I have it gives you a great deal of confidence in your own ability to service the rest of the state. Once I am governor I expect many more satisfied partners will ensure that I am not a one-termer.”

Study Shows Journalists Have Defective Brains

A study conducted for the London Press Club by neuroscientist Tara Swart found that journalists have a below-average ability to regulate their emotions, suppress biases, solve complex problems, switch between tasks, and show creative and flexible thinking.

It’s kind of ironic when you think about it,” Swart observed. “Here we have a profession that is entrusted to inform the general population and sees itself as a guardian of truth. Yet, this study shows their brains are operating at a lower level than those of the average person.”

CNN’s Jim Acosta challenged the study calling it “the worst slander of a profession in the annals of world history. It could hardly be more obvious that Swart is on Putin’s payroll. What she sees as a lack of creative and flexible thinking is refuted by the daily creativity we have shown in generating scandals against Trump and the flexibility we have demonstrated in shifting the focus of public discussion using unverified sources.”

Acosta bragged that “some of our best ideas are born during ‘happy hour.’ Because Trump never imbibes he cuts himself off from this tried and true well of inspiration that writers have used for centuries. Look at the great journalist Hunter Thompson. I’d take his lubricated output over Trump’s soberest thoughts any day of the week.”

Apprised of Acosta’s remarks, Swart replied that “while Mr. Acosta was not part of the group we studied, his comments are consistent with our findings.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.


Controversy Over Comey Dismissal

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnThis week President Donald Trump fired FBI Director James Comey. Democrats who previously had called for Comey’s departure denounced the move.

Rep. Keith Ellison (D-Minn), Vice Chairman of the Democratic National Committee (DNC), contends that “it has thrown the nation into a real constitutional crisis. Here we have a man who should never have been allowed to be president act as if he is the president. Since Hillary Clinton won the popular vote it seems to me that any changes in the personnel in the Executive Branch ought to be approved by her before they are made.”

Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif) agreed. “When a person who should not be president usurps the authority of the office that is grounds for impeachment,” she argued. “Hillary Clinton should be the one to determine whether Comey deserved to be fired. Considering how he betrayed her during the campaign she would be justified in firing him. I could support that. The Trump Administration’s complaint that Comey was doing a terrible job, over-stepping his authority, and impeding the investigation of leaks of classified information are illegitimate because they originate from an illegitimate president.”

Waters dismissed evidence that Comey sat on 600 million pages documenting the Obama Administration’s massive illegal surveillance operation targeting American citizens as “irrelevant. The fact is that if President Obama approved this surveillance its revelation by a whistle blower is treason, pure and simple. The FBI Director has no obligation not to impede an investigation that would impugn our last legitimate president’s actions to protect this country from its domestic enemies.”

Following Comey’s dismissal the New York Times published leaks from anonymous sources said to be Comey’s “associates at the Bureau.” The leaks reportedly gave details of a private, in-person, one-on-one conversation between Comey and President Trump. The leakers’ allegation that Trump asked for Comey’s loyalty is unverified. However, the very existence of this “leak” does seem to validate the premise that despite his denials that he has never leaked anything to the media nor authorized any of his subordinates to do so, Comey either is the source of this leak or that the leak is totally fabricated.

Michelle Obama Assails School Lunch Deregulation

Former First Lady Michelle Obama, the instigator of rules that led to massive trashing of school lunches across America, expressed her dismay at the Trump Administration’s decision to allow local school authorities to select their own menus. “What is wrong with these people?” she wanted to know. “The menus crafted under my guidance were carefully balanced for the right combinations of nutritious food.”

Trump Administration Secretary of Agriculture Sonny Perdue defended the move, saying that “requiring schools to set out food that students won’t eat accomplishes nothing. Rather than force everyone to conform to a standard that leads to waste we are allowing local people who likely have a better idea of what their students will eat the latitude to make their own decisions.”

Michelle labeled Perdue’s reasoning “ignorant” and “a recipe for sickness and death. It shifts power from the recognized experts to local yahoos too weak to take on the task of altering the food prejudices of the masses. This ‘laissez faire‘ attitude reverses the gains made during my husband’s administration. And for what? Is the freedom to poison one’s body with an unhealthful diet now some sort of inalienable right? I think most parents and voters will see it as a criminal attack on the health of our young people that clearly fits within the ‘high crimes and misdemeanors’ grounds for impeachment.”

Muslim Persecution in US Worse than ISIS Massacre of Christians

This week, ABC News political analyst Matthew Dowd challenged evangelist Franklin Graham’s concerns about the persecution of Christians around the globe, calling it “overblown. A far worse problem is the persecution of Muslims right here in the United States.”

While the practice of Christianity is illegal in some Muslim countries and severely hampered in others, Muslims in the US openly attend mosques and pray in public without any officially sanctioned interference and little unofficial notice or impediments. While Muslim fanatics readily heed the Quran’s call to slaughter unbelievers who refuse to convert, there is no similar scriptural call for Christians to kill members of other faiths and Muslims are free to move about without being blown apart, shot, or beheaded by Christian zealots.

To Dowd, though, the absence of contemporary atrocities by Christians is “historically myopic. Let’s not forget that a thousand years ago popes called upon Christians to take back lands conquered by Muslims in that religion’s great era of expansion. As former President Obama pointed out, plenty of Muslims died at the hands of pious Christians during these ‘Crusades.’”

“The insidious signs of Muslim persecution in the US are evinced by the disapproving stares of Americans who disrespect their traditional garb, the extra scrutiny they get for merely repeating the words of their holy book, and the suspicion that their beliefs justifying jihad are dangerous and ‘unAmerican,’” Dowd maintained. “Being forced to endure an atmosphere of continual dread is crueler than a quick thrust of a beheader’s knife. So, yes, the horrors inflicted on Muslims in our country are worse than whatever has happened to Christians intruding on Muslim lands.”

Trump Gets Preferential Treatment in White House Dining Room

Appalling repression in the White House dining room came to light when the media exposed the scandalous story of how President Trump gets more and better food than other diners. In a Time magazine article it was revealed that at White House dinners Trump gets Diet Coke (everyone else gets water), Trump gets Thousand Island dressing (everyone else gets vinaigrette), Trump gets two scoops of ice cream (everyone else gets one).

CNN’s Jeanne Moos saw this as “unjustifiable discrimination—the kind that makes you wonder whether Trump thinks he’s king.” In support of this theory, Moos cited the fact that “Vice-President Pence doesn’t get any ice cream. He’s only allowed a ‘fruit plate.’ What has he done to get on Trump’s bad side?”

Cristeta Comerford, the White House Executive Chef since 2005, denied there was any discrimination: “anyone who asks is given the same option to choose as the President. You want something other than water? Just ask. You want a different salad dressing? We have many from which you can choose. You want two scoops of ice cream, three scoops, whatever? Just ask.”

Moos contended that “the chef’s response is too convenient to be credible. We need to know who pressured her to come up with this unbelievable alibi. Was she cowed into submission by the very public firing of the FBI Director? Or was her subservient status as a woman of color within a racist administration sufficient to extract the desired cover story? This incident would seem to bolster calls for an independent prosecutor to investigate Trump.”

Female Refugees Victims of Sexual Violence in Germany

A study by the news service Integrated Regional Information Networks (IRIN) found that female refugees living in government shelters are being repeatedly harassed and attacked by male guards and refugees. Sally Abazeed, a 20-year-old refugee from Syria, told of how she had been repeatedly accosted by a guard at the shelter. She also said she was often followed into the toilets at night by one of the guards.

Abazeed escaped from the shelter with the assistance of a fellow Syrian only to be raped by him once outside the compound. She reported the rape to the police, but was told she had insufficient evidence to justify an investigation.

Berlin Police Department spokesman Helmut Banger explained that “our accommodation of sharia law requires that all rape allegations must be supported by either two male eyewitnesses or four female eyewitnesses. Unfortunately, Ms Abazeed could produce no witnesses. We had no alternative. We had to dismiss her case.”

More Abortions Needed to Fight Global Warming

Feminist icon Gloria Steinem made an impassioned plea for preserving and extending women’s right to abortion, calling it “a powerful and necessary remedy in the fight against sexual injustice and global warming. Nothing is worse for the planet than more people. Interdicting the creation of more people is crucial if we are to avert a holocaust.”

As Steinem sees it, men force women into bearing children. “Considering the toll it takes on a woman’s body, no woman in her right mind would willingly submit to childbirth,” she contended. “Add to this the tremendous sacrifice of free time that must be given up in order to care for children. Agreeing to have a child is akin to selling yourself into slavery. The men who pressure women into this tragic fate must be stopped.”

“Essential to stopping this pattern of patriarchal tyranny is abortion,” Steinem asserted. “A lot of people don’t know this, but the Nazis paid women to have children. Thankfully, we haven’t descended to that level of disrespect for humanity because we still allow abortion. As long as women have an unconstrained right to terminate any pregnancy they will hold the key that unlocks their chains. As an added bonus, the removal of millions and potentially billions of unwanted humans using this right is what will save the Earth from environmental catastrophe.”

Newspaper Calls for Stricter Censorship

Citing the “need to protect the more sensitive among us from the psychological damage of words that could be construed as offensive,” the editors of the Washington Post urged that “we unwed ourselves from the notion that freedom of speech is a vital or even necessary feature of a civilized society.”

“The right of freedom of speech does not have a meaningful quantum of value to the average person,” the editors wrote. “The average person continually must refrain from saying things that would offend an employer, spouse, or friend in order to interact harmoniously with the people closest to him. Why shouldn’t the government step in and enforce this same behavior as a general improvement of society?”

“There’s an old saying ‘that if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.’” the editorial continued. “If everyone knew that insensitive utterances could result in substantial financial penalties or even jail time, it stands to reason that conversations would become more pleasant. Fewer feelings would be hurt. Fewer people would have cause to strike out at those who offend them. People would be happier.”

In related news, Edgewood Middle School in Trenton, Ohio gave seventh grader Zachary Bowlin a 10 day suspension for “liking” a photo of of an airsoft pellet gun on Instagram. Edgewood Schools Superintendent Russ Fussnecker explained that “we have a ‘zero tolerance’ of inappropriate behavior by any of our students. The fact that Zachary publicly expressed his like for this dangerous weapon showed a grave insensitivity to his fellow students and manifested an intent to intimidate his classmates. The contention that the weapon is non-lethal, that the offense occurred outside of school grounds and hours does not excuse the behavior. We are going to stamp out incorrigible attitudes with as harsh a punishment as we can impose. Those who refuse to get the message will be crushed.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

GOP Health Care Bill Called ‘Death Sentence for Millions’

 

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnThe House passage of the American Health Care Act, the GOP’s alternative to Obamacare, was labeled a “death sentence for millions” by Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass), “people will die.”

Warren’s view was bolstered by the lamentations of individuals who now fear for their lives if the AHCA becomes law. Mega-celebrity Cher expressed her dismay that the AHCA may not cover her asthma therapy. “How will I get my medicine without Obamacare?” she demanded to know. She dismissed the suggestion that as a millionaire many times over she could easily afford to pay out-of-pocket as “unfair. It is the government’s obligation to take care of everyone’s health. The notion that I should pay because I can afford it denigrates my value as a human being.”

Similarly, model and wife of musician John Legend, Chrissy Teigen blamed Trump “for causing a crippling anxiety that requires me to get botox injections to relax life-threating tensions brought on by this manically insane, incompetent president and this dumpster fire administration.”

“The testimony of these esteemed members of society is evidence that the GOP is on the wrong track when it comes to the health of this country,” Warren declared. “If the well-being of the best of us is threatened just try to imagine how much worse it will be for ordinary people who depend on the government to care for them.”

The Senator was particularly peeved that “the AHCA moves away from vital government mandates that are essential to ensuring that every person gets the health care that experts have determined they need to have. The bill would allow individuals more latitude to decide what coverage they want. It will remove penalties for not purchasing what Obamacare has designated as mandatory services. People could simply decide not to buy insurance without facing a substantial fine. This is the road to anarchy.”

With medical treatment the third leading cause of death in America the Senator’s premise that having the government coerce people into submitting to an approved list of treatments leads to better outcomes is dubious. While it is true that trauma care in emergency rooms clearly saves the lives of many who would otherwise have died, medical errors, the toxic side effects of prescription drugs, and hospital-incurred infections kill many others.

Pelosi Blames Pro-Lifers for Democrats’ Defeat

To the list of culprits allegedly responsible for the 2016 election results—Russians, Wikileaks, Comey, misogyny—House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) added pro-lifers.

“We’re kind of between a rock and a hard place on the abortion issue,” Pelosi complained. “On the one hand, do we stand by progressive values and support a woman’s inalienable right to terminate a pregnancy? Or do we take the politically expedient course of waffling on it? Many Democrats, including me, have successfully straddled the issue by proclaiming our personal opposition to abortion while still supporting it as a matter of public policy. I mean, I’ve never had an abortion. I think that’s a pretty strong position in favor of life. I’ve also never stopped anyone else from having one. I think that is a strong position for freedom.”

While conceding that recent elections have taken a toll on her Party, Pelosi looked forward to “the growth of the LGBTQ movement as the ultimate way out of our dilemma. If more women have sex with women and more men have sex with men the need for abortions should decline. Transgenders basically sterilize themselves and eliminate the risk of an unwanted pregnancy requiring an abortion. So, the more people we can persuade to live out these alternative lifestyles the fewer abortions there will be to help mobilize the pro-lifers to vote against the Democratic Party.”

Ilyse Hogue, president of NARAL (National Abortion and Reproductive Rights Action League) said Pelosi’s “waffling strategy is bad for women and the economy. The patriarchy has been forcing women to bear children since the beginning of time. We need for the Democratic Party to make a clean break with the idea that women should be compelled to endure this onerous task. The whole process is humiliating and disgusting. Since we are nearing an era where babies can be produced via technologies that don’t require direct sexual reproduction political strategies that involve keeping males around for this purpose are obsolete. A much smaller number of breeder males can generate enough sperm through self-stimulation to impregnate a sufficient number of females to continue the species. A world where females outnumber males by thousands to one will be a more peaceful and prosperous one. Democrats need to be the vanguard of this revolution.”

Planned Parenthood’s “Champion of the Century” award winner Hillary Clinton offered to be the “founding mother” of this revolution against “the groups of men who conspire to deny women their God-given right to have an abortion. We can’t let these bastards grind us down.”

In related news, Baby Bee Hummingbirds, an Australian company, advertises that it “can turn unwanted embryos into jewelry keepsakes.” This new product joins a line of jewelry made from breast milk, baby hair, baby teeth, umbilical cords, and placentas. “I don’t believe there is any other business in the world that creates jewelry from human embryos, and I firmly believe that we are pioneering the way in this sacred art,” said company founder Amy McGlade. “What could be a better way to celebrate your most treasured gift, your child, than through jewelry?”

Dems Oppose Concealed Carry Reciprocity

Legislation backed by Senate Majority Whip John Cornyn (R-Texas) and Rep. Richard Hudson (R-NC) known as “national concealed carry reciprocity,” would require states that issue permits allowing gun owners to carry concealed weapons to recognize such permits from other states. “The intent is to simplify the process for law-abiding gun owners when they travel to other states,” Cornyn said. “A gun permit issued by a state would be valid in other states just like a state-issued driver’s license.”

Sen. Mark Warner (D-Va) announced his opposition, saying that “families have been torn apart by gun violence. Enough is enough. This tragic violence has to end. We need to move toward fewer guns, not more guns.” Warner was unmoved by arguments that allowing the law-abiding to carry improves their odds against criminals who carry firearms. “Doing what the criminal asks is better than starting a gunfight.”

Gunshot victim, former Rep. Gabby Giffords (D-Ariz) asserted that “stopping gun violence takes courage. If there were no guns I wouldn’t have been shot and disabled. The gun lobby is fond of saying that if guns are outlawed only outlaws will have guns. Well, that would make it easier for police—everyone with a gun would be a criminal. Given their superior training I think police would be the heavy favorites in any gunfight. So, by all means, let’s move to a simpler system that disarms everyone except the police.”

Senator Chris Murphy (D-Conn) vowed to “fight this NRA-backed assault on everyone’s personal safety. I’m pretty confident that we can filibuster this bill in the Senate. Failing that, Democrats need to take the battle to the states where the Second Amendment doesn’t apply and lobby to have state legislatures restrict or even confiscate privately held firearms.”

Surveillance State Ballooned Under Obama

The Obama Administration sought and obtained intelligence on thousands of Americans during 2016. Though the NSA is legally forbidden from directly spying on Americans and has temporary authority to conduct warrant-less searches of foreigners, during 2016 government officials conducted 30,355 searches seeking information about Americans and distributed over 3,000 reports with unredacted names of US citizens.

U.S. intelligence officials confirmed the growth in queries about Americans, but declined to offer any justification on the grounds that being pressured to provide justification “would endanger national security. All the public needs to know is that the government has its own very strict rules. They need to trust us and let us do our jobs.”

Susan Rice, former National Security Adviser to President Obama, was seemingly deeply enmeshed in the surveillance scheme. As such, her appearance before a congressional committee was requested by Sen. Lindsay Graham (R-SC). Rice declined to appear, saying that the request wasn’t bipartisan. “I see no upside for me in being interrogated by Republicans,” she said. “Why should I voluntarily testify? And if they try to compel me to, I can invoke my Fifth Amendment right against self-incrimination.”

An article by Jeff Kisseloff in The Nation pointed out that “abuse of power by presidents is a long standing tradition. FDR did it. JFK did it. LBJ did it. Why should we be surprised that Obama did it? These are all men we trust. They have the proper world view. Any corners they cut in pursuit of progressive values shouldn’t be held against them.

In related news, the Democratic National Committee defended rigging the Party’s primary in favor of Hillary Clinton. DNC attorney Bruce Spiva argued that “the Democratic Party is a private organization and can make and interpret rules however it wants. Its bylaws mandating impartial and evenhanded treatment of competing candidates is really discretionary. DNC officials can do whatever they want. The fact is, the Party decided early on that Clinton would be the presidential nominee and took the steps that were necessary to make that happen. Sanders was lucky we even let him run as a Democrat. We could have done it like we did in the old days and let Party honchos pick a candidate in some backroom. Instead, we put on a show so voters would feel involved, but we sure as Hell weren’t going to let them decide who would represent the Party.”

Reform of Presidential Pensions Proposed

Rep. Jason Chaffetz (R-Utah) and Sen. Joni Ernst (R-Iowa) are planning to introduce legislation that would take a former president’s other sources of income into account in determining the size of his or her pension.

“Look, the $207,800 per year currently awarded to the nation’s ex-presidents is there to ensure that someone who has served can live comfortably,” Chaffetz argued. “However, as things currently stand, ex-presidents are cashing in when they retire. They write books and give speeches and make millions every year. The pension is tiny in comparison. What our bill would do is reduce the pension by the amount earned from these outside sources. There is no call for millionaires to be supported by taxpayers making far less money.”

A bipartisan bill to accomplish this objective was passed last year, but was vetoed by President Obama on the grounds that “it would impose onerous and unreasonable burdens on former presidents. I think once a person has served the nation as president the people have an obligation to support him or her for life. The possibility that an ex-president may make millions from other sources shouldn’t relieve the people he has served from the obligation of paying him every penny to which he is entitled by law.”

The prospect of the bill becoming law seems bright since the man who would have to sign it—President Trump—isn’t currently accepting a salary. The $78,333 he earned for the first quarter as president was donated to the National Park Service.

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

 

ACLU Wants to Force Hospitals to Perform Sex Change Surgery

By  John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnLast year, Mercy San Juan Medical Center in Carmichael, California refused to remove the uterus of Evan Michael Minton. Minton is in the process of transitioning from female to a simulated male body. This Catholic hospital declined to remove a healthy uterus and referred Minton to a nearby nonreligious hospital within the same Dignity Health network.

American Civil Liberties Union spokesman Bertram Petty claimed that “the hospital violated Mr. Minton’s right to have whatever surgery he wants at whatever facility he chooses. The hospital’s assertion that the surgery goes against its sincerely held religious beliefs is irrelevant. Under Obamacare, the option belongs solely to the patient. No person, organization, or institution has the right to resist the laws enacted by civil authorities. If we were to fail to punish this hospital it would set a dangerous precedent of allowing so-called religious freedom to undermine civil authority.”

Minton said “the horror of being handed off to another hospital was excruciating and humiliating. For an American citizen to be told that he must choose from dozens of conveniently located alternative institutions that had no moral objections to performing this elective procedure is the kind of oppression we should never have to fear in this country.”

It’s one thing for people to be permitted to worship as they please,” Petty added. “However, we must draw a bold line clarifying that religious beliefs can never interfere with how government conducts policy. If we were to let individuals to decline to engage in actions that their beliefs characterize as abhorrent we would be giving churches a veto over public policy. The ACLU vehemently opposes the notion that our Constitution grants religion any right to project its dogma outside the church walls. Besides, doesn’t the Catholic Church offer absolution to sinners if they confess? Why can’t the hospital simply make use of this ‘free pass’ instead of mucking up the clear directives of government regulations?”

Mayor Fined for Demographic Observation

Robert Ménard, mayor of the town of Beziers in southern France, has been fined 2,000 euros for “hate speech.” The “hate speech” consisted of his observation that in a school in the center of his town more than 90% of the students are Muslim.

Judge Maurice Cador called Ménard’s remarks “extraordinarily insensitive toward Muslims. His defense relied upon the assertion that he spoke the truth. Under our laws truth is not a valid defense. We concede that his statement was factually accurate. However, it is the government’s policy to not call attention to the rising proportion of resident aliens in our country as this could cause both discomfort for the immigrants and premature fear among native French persons.”

Ménard was unimpressed by the court’s reasoning. “We are letting foreigners in who do not aspire to be French,” he pointed out. “Their growing numbers portend an eventual swamping of our culture and its replacement by ideas and modes of living most of us would regard as backward and oppressive. The government’s preference that we be kept oblivious to the danger is insidiously foolish.”

Under the Judge’s ruling half the fine is to be paid to cover the court costs of the seven anti-racist organizations who brought the matter to court’s attention. Two of these organizations—the League for Human Rights and SOS Racisme—are funded by left-wing billionaire George Soros.

Study Finds Long Term Migrants Less Likely to Work

A new Norwegian study from the Ragnar Frisch Center for Economic Research found that migrants become less interested in integrating with Norwegians the longer they are in the country.

Knut Røed, a senior researcher at the Frisch Center, explained the seemingly anomalous findings as “not as strange as we first thought. It seems that most of the migrants entering the country expected they would have to work in order to survive. After all, that’s the way it is in the countries they came from. But as they realize that the government here will support them they quite rationally choose not to work. This turn of events is bolstered by local imams who assure the migrants that it is Allah’s command that the unbelievers provide for the Muslim faithful.”

Per Sandberg, Norway’s acting minister for immigration and integration, called the problem “insolvable. If people don’t want to work we can’t force them to take jobs. That would be inhumane. I suppose that at some point the number of people on welfare will exceed the ability of the taxpayers to support them and the system will become unsustainable. Fortunately, that is not yet a matter of urgency, especially as I can conceive of no viable way to avert such a disaster.”

Norwegian newspaper Verdens Gang wrote that “the findings of the study are very bad news. The very structure of our society is in jeopardy and there is nothing we can do to save it. The suggestion by right-wingers that we return to a system where each person is responsible for himself is anti-social. We cannot take that path. On the other hand, current trends will lead to collapse. It is a dilemma for which there is no answer.”

In related news, the cost of the country’s 318,000 Muslim refugees now constitutes 19% of Sweden’s central government’s annual budget. Nearly half of the cost is incurred by government efforts to deal with immigrant crime. The total cost to the government is $58,490 per refugee per year. This is more than twice the average Swedish household’s disposable income of $28,859 per year. Fewer than 1% of Muslim immigrants have jobs. Nevertheless, the government remains adamant that “social justice requires we continue to rescue these troubled people.”

Parade Canceled After “Antifascists” Threaten GOP Participants

A 10-year tradition of beginning Portland’s annual Rose Festival with a family-friendly parade came to an end when a so-called antifascist group threatened to attack any members of the Multnomah County Republican Party who tried to participate. Ironically, bullying political opponents by threatening violence emulates the practices of the Nazi Party during Germany’s Weimar Republic when the Party’s brown-shirted thugs ruled the streets.

Jacob Bureros, an organizer with the Direct Action Alliance, was disappointed to hear that the parade was canceled. “This was definitely our least favored outcome,” Bureros complained. “Our first choice would have been for the parade to go on minus the participation of the fascist Republicans. Our second choice would have been to have the opportunity to fight these fascists in the street. Either way, progressive values would have been put on display. Cancellation of the event has deprived us of our right to freely express ourselves.”

Obama Taking “Symbolic Reparations”

Stung by critics who say that former President Barack Obama is showing inordinate greed by accepting fat payments from Wall Street for brief speeches, former Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest argued that “one of the President’s greatest regrets during his time in office was his inability to establish a public program of reparations for America’s historic mistreatment of racial minorities. Rather than just shrug off his disappointment he has decided to individually extract payments to compensate for those injustices.”

We mustn’t overlook the fact that the $400,000 per speech fees are being paid by white men to a black man,” Earnest pointed out. “We’re confident that every aggrieved person of color will view this as an important symbolic representation of the intent of the reparations movement. Even though they may not personally benefit a member of their race will benefit and that has to make them feel good.”

Earnest took a similar view of the $65 million book deal Barack and his wife landed with Random House for their memoirs. This payoff is four times as large as the one snared by Bill Clinton and six times higher than the one George W. Bush received. “A black man getting paid more than a pair of white men is but another example of President Obama’s tireless efforts to balance the scales of justice,” he contended. “The vicarious satisfaction he is providing to the African-American community is immeasurable.”

Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) called the huge payments “troubling for Democrats. Wall Street has been one of our more reliable sources of campaign money. President Obama raised more money from Wall Street than any other candidate in history and Hillary was a close second. The millions that the former President is now on track to absorb will be dollars that could be better spent on promoting the election of more Democrats. Unless he is going to share some of these fees with the Party I’d have to categorize this as short-sighted and self-serving.”

Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-Vermont) was more blunt, saying “it makes him look like a greedy bastard. Cozying up to Wall Street was what doomed Hillary Clinton’s campaign. How can those of us pushing for social justice gain traction when the most prominent representatives of our philosophy take money from our class enemies? The only mitigating factor may be Lenin’s prediction that the capitalists will furnish the rope we use to hang them.”

UN Warns Against Repeal of Obamacare

This week the Office of the U.N. High Commissioner on Human Rights in Geneva warned the Trump Administration that repeal of the Affordable Care Act would violate international law. The warning came from Dainius Puras, Special Rapporteur on the right of everyone to the enjoyment of the highest attainable standard of physical and mental health. Puras cited Article 25 of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, which he says “establishes everyone’s right to a standard of living adequate for health and well-being, including food, medical care and necessary social services.”

According to Puras, “repeal of the ACA would make the United States liable for international sanctions or possibly UN military intervention to safeguard the American people from being deprived of their entitlements by the wrongful actions of a lawless regime.”

Democrats Make Support for Abortion Mandatory

Democratic National Committee Chairman Tom Perez declared that support for abortion is now a requirement for anyone who wants to run for office as a Democrat. “Every Democrat, like every American, should support a woman’s right to make her own choices about her body and her health,” Perez said. “That is not negotiable and should not change city by city or state by state.”

Democrats who believe that abortion is murder should keep this opinion to themselves for the sake of the Party,” Perez explained. “We’re not saying a person can’t think this, only that he must not say this as it gives aid and comfort to the enemy. Destroying this enemy takes priority over religious dogma that places the well-being of embryonic tissues on an indefensible pedestal. As Democrats we hold that society’s needs come before the individual’s needs. Those who can’t subordinate their scruples for the good of the Party have no right to call themselves Democrats.”

Perez professed to be unconcerned with a recent poll showing that 28% of registered Democratic voters are opposed to abortion. “First of all, we’re not saying that those opposed to abortion must get abortions,” Perez pointed out. “What we’re saying is that no one should be allowed to prevent another person from getting one. That includes refusing to pay for someone else’s abortion with their tax dollars. Second, we don’t think many of these so-called anti-abortion Democrats would leave the Party or vote against it because of this one issue when the very survival of the social welfare benefits the Party has pioneered is at stake. Is the life of an unwanted child really worth the sacrifice of these hard-won gains?”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Murderer Demands Release as ‘Reparation for Slavery’

By  John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnKori Ali Muhammad, the man under arrest for four murders, demanded he be released as “reparation for slavery. Whites enslaved millions of blacks and killed thousands of them. The four white men I shot can’t begin to balance the scales of justice. I need to be free to continue my work to even the score.”

His initial victim was Carl Williams, an unarmed security guard at a Motel 6 in Fresno, California. Muhammad claimed this killing was additionally justified because “he disrespected my right as a Muslim to consummate the sex for which I had paid a resident at the motel.”

Muhammad was apprehended during a shooting spree that took the lives of three more victims in his self-proclaimed mission “to kill as many white people as I could” after he had learned he was a wanted suspect in the Motel 6 murder. “I was afraid that a single murder would portray me as a common criminal. By broadening the scope of my actions I converted what might be perceived as petty motives into a noble crusade for historical justice. My current incarceration while awaiting trial continues the racism that has oppressed people of color in this country for hundreds of years.”

Muhammad’s quest received some sympathy from Drexel professor George–“All I want for Christmas is white genocide”—Ciccariello, who declared that “the arrest and persecution of this man for his initiative in righting a historical wrong makes me want to vomit. He just doing what every black person has an absolute moral right to do.”

Study of Animal Penises Called “Crucial to Solving World’s Problems”

Patricia Brennan, a visiting lecturer at Mount Holyoke College in Massachusetts, who spent nearly $400,000 of taxpayer dollars studying duck penises has become a spokesperson in opposition to Trump’s proposed cuts to funding studies like hers. One of the research topics likely to be cut off from tax-funding is her current project to study whale penises.

She is eager to examine a recently acquired an orca penis. “It’s enormous!” she exclaimed. “It takes up an entire lab sink. The very idea that Congress might not fund a thorough investigation of this extraordinary specimen is criminal. In order for us to actually be able to solve problems, or make money, or innovate, we actually need to know how these remarkable organs work.”

Brennan pointed to her work on ducks to support the case for federal funding of this type of research. “My study of duck penises established that male ducks essentially rape female ducks,” she observed. “The contention that this type of behavior evolved to perpetuate the species doesn’t make it morally right. Parallels in our own species raise serious questions about what we, as a society, should do to protect women from the unwanted attentions of men. Republican assertions that this type of research is an improper use of public funds are ludicrous.”

This weekend Brennan is sacrificing precious time that she would rather spend probing her whale organ to participate in a “march for science.” “Those of us on the frontiers of science are being unnecessarily diverted from crucial research in order to prevent the enemies of knowledge from taking their pound of flesh from us,” she lamented.

White House Budget Director Mick Mulvaney rebutted Brennan’s argument saying “we are not suppressing anyone’s research. The academic community will remain free to pursue whatever topics they wish with whatever funds they are able to raise from voluntary donations. What we are aiming to do is free taxpayers from being coerced into financing activities that are not within the constitutional powers of the government.”

Dean Asserts that “Hate Speech Is Not Protected by the First Amendment”  

This week, former Democratic presidential candidate and Vermont Governor Howard Dean expressed his alarm that author Ann Coulter has not been effectively silenced by the University of California at Berkeley. Initially, the University forbade Coulter from speaking on campus citing the event as “dangerous.” After Coulter took steps to go ahead without the University’s official approval Dean became irate.

“Coulter is notorious for rejecting the mainstream consensus on immigration, Muslims, taxes, welfare, you name it,” Dean maintained. “Her jibes are so venomous as to generate ridicule for those who hold opposing views. Clearly, she hates liberals and the victims we champion. The university was well within its rights to defend its public space from being exploited by this awful woman.”

Dean assailed “the notion that hateful words and ideas can infiltrate our communities and airwaves under the guise of freedom of speech is a threat that must be stopped by any means necessary. The violent protests lodged by the Antifa movement are an encouraging sign that the young people of our universities understand what’s at stake. In many instances they have been successful in deterring the airing of inappropriate ideas. But we can’t let young people bear the entire burden of silencing evil thoughts. Those right-thinking individuals among us who hold the reins of power at the state level or in the courts need to put forth a commensurate effort to end the noise pollution emitted by the likes of Coulter and her ilk.”

In related news, the masked AntiFa demonstrator who bashed a Trump supporter in the head with a bicycle lock turned out to be Professor Eric Clanton of Diablo Valley College in California. “If those in authority had done a better job of protecting college students from hate speech professors wouldn’t have to take it on themselves to do what should’ve been done,” Dean said. “It’s disheartening that the best and brightest feel compelled to wear masks while they are defending the progressive agenda.”

Communist Surges in French Election

Jean-Luc Mélenchon, the joint candidate of the French Communist Party and the Unbowed France political movement, is surging in the polls following his pledge to “raise taxes on the rich to 100% and gut the goose that lays the golden eggs for the benefit of the working class.”

“The idea that anyone has the right to withhold anything from the people and their representative, the state, is a pernicious doctrine we must exterminate,” Mélenchon said. “For too long progressives have held back from this obvious truth and solution to society’s problems. When everything is thrown into the common pot and shared equally no one will suffer deprivation. All will enjoy the abundance of our common effort.”

Mélenchon is also considered “cool” by millennials for his use of technology to get his message across. His appearance at multiple rallies simultaneously as a hologram has excited the youth of the nation. Paris university student Bernard Balourd gushed, “it’s like he’s from a galaxy far away. This gives me confidence that he will be the one to lead France to a bright new future. I only wish he would add sharing the grades of A-students with the rest of us. In my way of thinking, hoarding knowledge and effort is as bad as hoarding wealth.”

Meanwhile, rival presidential candidate Emmanuel Macron from the En Marche! Party, sought to outflank Mélenchon and lock-up the pusillanimous vote by assuring French citizens that “terrorism will be a daily fact of life when I’m president. The false hope purveyed by Le Pen that we can eradicate this problem via a program of resistance and expulsion of Islamic troublemakers is a ‘bridge too far.’ The sooner we acclimate to the new reality, the quicker we can return to our essential French persona.”

However, even this ridiculously flaccid stance was assailed by anti-capitalist party candidate Philippe Poutou who argued that “a more rigorous policy of appeasement toward Islamists is the wiser road. Was collaboration with the Germans really worse than the horrors of the D-Day invasion? I think the destruction wrought by the clash of Allied armies with the Germans was far more severe than anything that transpired during the occupation. I’m confident that the sane segment of voters will agree with me.”

In related news, House Democrat Maxine Waters admitted that “taxpayers are subjected to painful levels of taxation,” but insisted “it is for their own good. Everyone knows the saying ‘no pain, no gain.’ While taxpayers may groan under the impositions we place on them, the transfer of vital resources from the selfish hands of individuals to the socially-conscious hands of the government is better for the collective whole. That Trump wants to impede and maybe even reverse this salutary process reemphasizes the urgency of our effort to impeach him.”

Trump Just one of Dozens Spied on by Obama

A long list of individuals and organizations subjected to surveillance by the Obama Administration was cited by former National Security Adviser Susan Rice as “proof I did nothing wrong.” The list included Former U.S. Rep. Jane Harman (D-Calif), Pro-Israel lobbyists, FBI contractor and whistleblower Shamai Leibowitz, Tea-party groups, WikiLeaks, New York Times reporter James Risen, NSA whistleblower Thomas Drake, Fox News reporter James Rosen, CBS reporter Sharyl Attkisson, former U.S. Rep. Dennis Kucinich (D-Ohio), Fox News reporter Mike Levine, ATF Special Agent John Dodson, former CIA Director Gen. David Petraeus, Associated Press reporters, Benghazi whistleblowers, President Obama’s vice chair of the Joint Chiefs of Staff James Cartwright, Army intelligence analyst Bradley Manning, CIA officer and whistleblower John Kiriakou, NSA Whistleblower Edward Snowden, reporter Audrey Hudson, FBI agent and contractor Donald Sachtleben, former state department contractor Stephen Jin-Woo Kim, the Senate Intelligence Committee, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, former CIA employee Jeffrey Alexander Sterling, unspecified members of Congress, American-Jewish groups, Trump adviser Carter Page, Lt. Gen. Michael Flynn, candidate Donald Trump’s campaign, and President-elect Donald Trump’s transition team.

“This list completely debunks Trump’s contention that he was unfairly singled out for surveillance,” Rice added. “For years a wide variety of individuals from various walks of life were designated for covert oversight. All of this was done under the President’s authority as the nation’s Commander-in-Chief. Those coming forward now to criticize this tread awfully close to the boundary demarcating treason. It is they who should be fearful of their actions, not me.”

Rice also characterized recent revelations that Obama’s CIA director, John Brennan colluded with foreign governments in an attempt to prevent the election of Donald Trump as “a heroic demonstration of patriotism and loyalty to the President. Here we have a man unconstrained by mere adherence to statutory law going the extra mile to try to ensure that the C-in-C’s legacy would not be subverted by a man with no commitment to the values shared by members of government from both sides of the aisle. Director Brennan should be receiving the thanks of a grateful nation rather than being criticized by persons of questionable motives.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Merkel Explains Terror Policy

By  John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnFacing a tough reelection campaign, German Chancellor Angela Merkel struggles to convince voters that her open borders approach to Muslim immigrants hasn’t been a disaster. In an interview published in a German magazine this week she insisted “we will never accept terror.”

Some of her critics have contended that “admitting millions of Muslims is a defacto acceptance of terror.” Merkel rebuffed this criticism, saying that “last year only 22 Germans were murdered by Islamic immigrants. In a population of 80 million this is a minuscule casualty rate. Considering that the fear of being attacked by Islamic fanatics has deterred many Germans from unnecessarily leaving home, it’s possible that more lives were saved by having fewer traffic fatalities than were lost by these murders. So, clearly, terror does seem to have some potential positive offsets.”

“My bigger concern is that Germans are not reproducing at a high enough rate to replace those that die of old age,” the Chancellor lamented. “These immigrants will solve that problem. Their willingness to bear children will more than offset our birth dearth. Surely, the loss of a few dozen individuals at the hands of the terrorist portion of the immigrants is not too high a price to pay.”

“I urge all citizens who are concerned about their safety to do what I do,” Merkel advised. “First, forego all unnecessary travel. For the occasions in which this is not possible, beef up your security detail. Never travel on public transit. Always ride in vehicles with bulletproof glass and body armor. Avoid public places like shopping malls, theaters, stadiums, parks, schools, libraries, and the like. Shop by phone or the Internet and have your purchases delivered whenever you can. Have a member of your domestic staff run all errands outside the home. In short, if you are sensibly cautious your chance of being murdered by a terrorist or a common criminal should be acceptably low.”

In related news, some migrants are sold into slavery before they reach Europe. Since the Obama Administration liberated Libya from long-time dictator Qadaffi in 2011 the successor government has established slave markets to dispose of non-Muslim migrants entering its territory on their way to Europe. The Department for Combating Illegal Migration (DCIM) of the Ministry of the Interior justified the sales arguing that “the Quran explicitly grants Muslims the right to kill or enslave any non-Muslims who fall into our hands. This was Muhammed’s practice. It is our practice. No unbelievers have the right to criticize us for it.”

Anti-Abortion Midwife Loses Case

A Swedish court ruled that the government’s refusal to permit Ellinor Grimmark to practice her trade as a midwife “did not violate her freedom of opinion and expression.”

Judge Bebi Mordare ruled that government authorities were “within their rights to reject Ms. Grimmark’s privilege of conducting her trade in defiance of regulatory standards. Blocking her from her employment does not infringe on her freedom to hold or express her opinions about abortion.”

“The regulators have established professional standards that require all midwives to perform abortions if that is what the patient wishes,” Mordare observed. “Ms. Grimmark’s contention that she should be allowed to select the types of services she will provide is contrary to public policy. Further, her suggestion that patients wanting an abortion have many other midwives who do not have moral objections to the procedure from which to choose stems from an incorrect premise on who is empowered to make the choice. First and foremost, it is the government’s prerogative to decide who will be granted the option to choose. In regard to abortions, that option has been granted to the patients. Medical personnel who balk at carrying out any patient’s choice are behaving unprofessionally and may be barred from the profession.”

Ms. Grimmark’s unsuccessful effort to regain the right to continue her work birthing babies has left her with $170,000 in legal bills. She has moved to Norway where regulations do not require midwives to perform or participate in carrying out abortions.

In related news, Planned Parenthood awarded Hillary Clinton with a “Champion of the Century” award for “her 40 years of advocacy for women who wish to be relieved of unwanted motherhood stemming from unprotected sex. Few have played as important a role in this great cause.”

Editor Says Sweden’s Economy Needs More Immigrants

Åsa Linderborg, the editor of Sweden’s Aftonbladet newspaper, contends that “Sweden’s economy would collapse without illegal immigrants. The influx of large contingents of these people creates extra demand for housing and welfare. This helps support the building trades and social workers, not to mention stimulating Swedes to work longer hours to pay the taxes needed to fund these benefits. Even the violence springing from these unassimilated new residents provides jobs for police, firemen, hospitals, morticians, and insurance adjusters.”

The fact that few of these new immigrants have jobs—only 500 of 2015’s 160,000 immigrants are employed—was dismissed by Linderborg as irrelevant. “Granted, these people aren’t contributing much to the supply side, but their robust demand injects a vital stimulus. In a complex economy can we really afford to reject a specialized role for different segments of the population?”

Biased Media Tougher on Democrats, Clinton Operative Says

This week, former Hillary Clinton spokeswoman Jennifer Palmeri agreed that media bias exists, but maintained that “this makes it tougher on Democrats.”

“Look, when CNN or the New York Times portray Republicans as the scum they are the bar is set comfortably low,” She argued. “All any Republican has to do to rise above the bar is: nothing. The mere absence of the usual crime, corruption and depravity puts them in a more positive light than they really deserve.”

“The bar is set much higher for Democrats,” Palmeri said. “We are expected to deliver all-star caliber performances on a daily basis. When despite our best efforts we humanly fall short from time to time the media are forced to acknowledge our failure to live up to the standards everyone expects of us. Take last year’s presidential election. As Trump reeled from scandal to gaffe to racism and verbal abuse he got a pass because no one really expected anything better. In contrast, the slightest misstep from Hillary was easily blown out of proportion. Whether it was the email snafu, the “deplorables” slip of the tongue, or her occasional fatigue—she was relentlessly exposed to unwarranted scrutiny.”

Palmeri expressed pessimism that this imbalance would ever be overcome. “It’s so unfair,” she complained. “I’m afraid that the recent effort to make CNN and the Times the arbiters of what’s true and what’s fake will be too little, too late. The best we can hope for is that the next Democratic Administration will be less tolerant and less merciful than President Obama was. Once all the GOP offenders are taken out the media’s unfair treatment of Democrats can be better regulated via some sort of pre-publication screening and approval procedure.”

In related news, prominent Democrats denounced Rep Tulsi Gabbard (D-HI) for her skepticism regarding the gas attack attributed to Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad. Former presidential candidate and Vermont Governor Howard Dean called her “a disgrace” who “should not be in Congress.” Neera Tanden, close ally of Hillary Clinton, chastised voters “for electing a person with such poor judgment.” Republican skeptics Sen. Rand Paul (Ky) and Rep, Thomas Massie (Ky) were not similarly denounced by GOP colleagues, a fact that Dean asserted “reveals the intolerable tolerance that demonstrates their Party’s unfitness to govern.”

Investigation of IRS Targeting Called “Risky”

Lois Lerner, the IRS official implicated in the agency’s illegal targeting of conservative groups for discriminatory treatment, came out strongly against the suggestion by House Republicans Rep. Peter Roskam (R-Ill) and Rep. Kevin Brady (R-Texas) that the Department of Justice look into the matter.

“The reopening of an incident occurring five years ago will only stir up unnecessary interest in something that cannot be undone,” Lerner pleaded. “The animosity that will be unfairly directed at me for misdeeds perpetrated by subordinates without my knowledge is risky. It would expose me to harassment and possible harm without really righting any of the wrongs that were done.”

Lerner also pointed out that “the Department of Justice already considered the matter and absolved me of any culpability. For the case to be reopened now would constitute double jeopardy — something clearly prohibited by the Fifth Amendment.”“If we were to accept Ms. Lerner’s reasoning it would put most serious crimes out of the reach of justice,” Roskam wryly observed. “What is more irremediable than a murder? Should we let the perpetrator off the hook because his crime is ‘something that cannot be undone?’ The abuse of power carried out during Ms. Lerner’s tenure at the IRS is something we cannot abide. An investigation and the application of appropriate remedies is essential if we hope to curb future abuses of a like nature.”

Bad Publicity Sparks Change in Policy at UA

The chaotic and violent ouster of Dr. David Dao from a United Airlines’ flight so an airline employee could fly in his stead has netted the company a heap of undesirable publicity. This has sparked a change in policy.

Company spokeswoman Madeleine Flake admitted that “the flaw in our procedures seemed to be the involuntary aspect of Dr. Dao’s removal from the aircraft. If we could ensure voluntary exit similar scenes should be avoided in the future.”

It appears that the voluntary exit of unwanted passengers will be achieved by giving flight crews the option of releasing poisonous insects from overhead bins. Flake said “the company’s expectation is that once passengers are aware that noncompliance might expose them to this risk they will more readily give up their seats. A test run of the new policy was conducted on a recent flight from Houston, Texas to Calgary in Canada and we were very pleased with the results. 

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

 

 

 

Chelsea Clinton Gives Career Advice

By  John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnFormer First Daughter Chelsea Clinton touted herself as “a working model of what a young woman needs to do to succeed in today’s world. I know that a lot of women in my generation are pretty bummed about my Mom’s loss to Donald Trump. But they need to get off their duffs and get going. Just do what I did.”

“One thing that I highly recommend for others is to get a job with a major television news outlet,” she suggested. “These jobs are very rewarding. My starting salary at NBC News was $600,000. This type of salary will enable any young woman to make a major dent in her student-loan debt.”

“Another good way to get ahead is to serve on corporate boards,” Chelsea recommended. “I’m on two. Expedia pays me $40,000 per year plus $250,000 in stock options. Inter Active Corporation pays me a $300,000 annual retainer. The work is not arduous and doesn’t take much time—just a couple of meetings a year. You don’t even have to say anything at the meetings. You just have to be there. Nod a few times to show interest in what’s being said. It’s a great gig.”

“And don’t overlook the opportunity in doing books,” she added. “Find someone who will write what you tell them to write. The publisher will pay for you to go on a book tour, so you get free travel. You get to go on TV and sit in book stores for a few hours signing autographs in a bunch of different cities. It’s great.”

“Now people are encouraging me to run for president,” Chelsea boasted. “Naturally, I wouldn’t expect everyone to rise as rapidly as I have. Not everyone is blessed with the same set of skills I have. But everyone can try a little harder. If you want money, ask for money. If you want more time for yourself, take it. Men have monopolized these tactics for too long. It’s time women get their fair share. I’ve shown them how to do it.”

Audit of HUD Uncovers $500 Billion Errors

In a bid to improve procedures and results at the US Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD), incoming Secretary Ben Carson asked for an audit of past spending. He was stunned by the finding that there were accounting mistakes amounting to more than $500 billion.

“I expected to discover numerous problems, but the magnitude of the mess exceeded my wildest estimates,” Carson said. “Whether this is the result of incompetence or fraud or both remains to be sorted out.”

The Obama Administration Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Julian Castro chided his successor for “going backward rather than forward. We don’t need to be obsessed with bean counting. We need to ensure that everyone is properly housed. That’s a vast undertaking. There are bound to be some mistakes made.”

Castro pointed out that “the Inspector General’s report by itself can’t prove any of the money was stolen. Just because money is missing doesn’t mean someone wrongly took it. There could be thousands of explanations for what happened. The important thing is that the number of homeless people in this country declined during Obama’s presidency. That achievement was worth any cost.”

Carson was not as willing to overlook the financial discrepancies, though. “Good intentions can be undermined by bad methods,” the Secretary observed. “Every dollar lost through waste or theft diminishes the resources available to aid those truly in need. I can’t accept the former Secretary’s cavalier attitude toward the unnecessarily larger burden imposed on taxpayers as a result of his apparent mismanagement of the Department.”

Penalties Proposed for “Fake News”

Frustrated with its inability to control the narrative in our current age of abundant social media, the Merkel Regime has decided to fine media firms that allow false news on their platforms. The penalty can range as high as $50 million for an offense the government determines is “dangerously out-of-step with accepted views.”

German Justice Minister Heiko Maas lamented that “unconstrained free speech has unleashed an avalanche of uniformed and anti-social messages being posted on FaceBook and Twitter. The proof of the danger is the fact that an unhinged Donald Trump was able to exploit Twitter to foment disrespect for his eminently more qualified opponent and win the American presidential election. We are not going to sit by and let that happen to Germany. It is the government’s responsibility to protect its citizens from being duped by unauthorized purveyors of fake news.”

A similar piece of legislation was introduced in the California Legislature by Assemblyman Ed Chau (D-Monterey Park). Under his bill anyone who writes, publishes or even shares news stories that could be false would face punishment.

Chau called the bill “an important step forward in the fight against ‘fake news’ and deceptive campaign tactics. It used to be difficult for malcontents to slander the government. Newspaper editors controlled whose letters they printed. TV and radio decided who deserved air time. Now, anyone who can write or record a video can have it viewed by millions on the Internet or Twitter. We need to restore the filter provided by legitimate media. My bill does that.”

The Assemblyman rebuffed critics who contend his bill violates the First Amendment, saying that “the First Amendment says ‘Congress shall pass no law abridging freedom of speech.’ Well, the California Assembly is not Congress and my bill doesn’t abridge freedom of speech. It merely establishes standards that would outlaw false or incorrect speech by unqualified or deceptive amateurs.”

Evolving Views on Crime

Rep. Maxine Waters told MSNBC News’ Chris Hayes that President Trump and Fox News host Bill O’Reilly “need to go to jail.” Their offense: disrespect toward women.

“If you will recall, during last year’s presidential campaign Donald Trump was caught on tape bragging about molesting women,” Waters said. “Later on a secret dossier revealed that he paid prostitutes to urinate on a bed that President Obama had slept on when he visited Moscow. In a just world this kind of behavior would be a crime. I’m hoping that after he is impeached he will go to prison for these misogynistic crimes.”

Waters’ beef with O’Reilly was more personal. “His on-air mockery of my hair style is as an egregious demonstration of sexual harassment as I’ve ever experienced,” she complained. “It was a low blow. If I ran the government O’Reilly would be behind bars.”

Speaking of crime, Georgetown Law professor and former federal prosecutor Paul Butler opined on NPR that “given that Blacks in America suffered through 200 years of slavery and 100 years of Jim Crow laws they have banked enough misery to offset most of the criminal charges they are accused of under our justice system. Cops shouldn’t arrest them. Juries shouldn’t convict them. Judges shouldn’t send them to prison. And white victims should stop complaining. Getting robbed by a Black man is probably the only form of reparations this country is  ever going to see.”

In Wisconsin, Dane County Judge Everett Mitchell held forth a similar point of view, saying “I just don’t think we should be prosecuting cases of Black people who steal from Wal-Mart. These big companies have insurance, so there’s no loss to anyone from allowing our people to get their piece of the pie.”

In Philadelphia, Judge Wayne Bennett argued that “white folks deserve all they get and more from the Blacks who prey upon them. No matter how violent young Black punks are towards white people, it will never make up for all the violence against people of color throughout this nation’s history.”

Rice Tries Out Different Surveillance Rationales

Serial liar and former President Barack Obama’s national security adviser, Susan Rice tried out several versions of events as emerging evidence demolished earlier stories she told about the surveillance activities carried out during the Obama term.

In the first version the possibility that Donald Trump and his team were spied on by the government was flatly denied. “As FBI Director James Comey has clearly stated, there was no wire-tapping of Trump,” Rice maintained.

After it turned out that the Obama Administration had covertly listened in on Trump team members’ phone calls, Rice asserted that she “knew nothing about it.” When White House logs showed that Rice has explicitly requested copies of transcripts—including the names of the Trump people overheard—her story shifted to “what I did was completely legal. Unmasking the names of Americans incidentally captured on these intercepts is not a crime.”

When “incidentally” appeared to founder after it was discovered that Trump was placed under surveillance long before the whole Russian conspiracy theory was hatched, Rice latched onto the “I was just following orders” meme. “The bottom line is that the President is responsible for national security,” she pointed out. “If the President requests surveillance of any person, who among us has the right to refuse this request? I mean, according to the Constitution the president is the nation’s supreme leader. Consequently, whatever he orders, whatever he does must, ipso facto, be legal. And by extension, whatever I did at his behest must also be legal.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Congresswoman Defends Government Surveillance of Trump

By  John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnThis week’s revelation by Democratic operative Evelyn Farkas that the Obama Administration had the Trump campaign under surveillance and shared the information gathered with the Hillary Clinton campaign sparked a spirited defense from long-time California Democratic Congresswoman Maxine Waters.

“Many small-minded people focus on the illegality of spying on American citizens for political gain as if that is more important than the fact that a traitor has become this nation’s president,” Waters said. “President Obama put in place an organization that contains a kind of database that no one has ever seen before in life. That’s going to be very very powerful and that database will have information about everything on every individual on ways that it’s never been done before.”

While this colossal invasion of privacy would seem to dwarf the 1972 Watergate scandal in which a small contingent of GOP burglars invaded Democratic Party offices in Washington, DC in pursuit of political files they believed would aid the reelection of President Nixon, Waters contends that “by resigning Nixon essentially confessed to his crimes. In contrast, President Obama left after a scandal-free two full terms in office. No one in the media accused him of any crime. My only regret is that is that the effort he put into accumulating the database was not sufficient to prevent Trump and the Russians from rigging the election in his favor.”

Ironically, thus far, the only solid evidence linking Russia to the 2016 election is the $35 million the Putin Government paid Hillary Campaign Chairman John Podesta in 2011 when he was an adviser to her while she was at the State Department. This is probably not the “Russia conspiracy” that Podesta had in mind when he criticized the media for “not playing it up enough during the campaign.”

In related news, CBS dismissed allegations that the Clintons received any compensation for the sale of 20% of America’s uranium output to Russia while Hillary was Secretary of State. Anchor Scott Pelley argued that a subsequent $500,000 payment to Bill for a Moscow speech, a $2.35 million donation to the Clinton Foundation by the Russian firm’s chairman and $145 million in donations from nine other shareholders were “merely coincidental. No one has been able to produce any contractual documents showing an explicit exchange of State Department approval of the uranium transfer in return for monetary compensation.”

California to Prosecute Exposure of Planned Parenthood’s Ghoulish Profiteering

California Attorney General Xavier Becerra has filed 15 felony charges against David Daleiden and Sandra Merritt for secretly recording Planned Parenthood officials who thought they were negotiating the sale of body parts from aborted fetuses. The crime: recording without consent.

“Inasmuch as the sales being negotiated were of dubious legality it should be obvious that the Planned Parenthood officials whose words were captured on video would not have voluntarily consented,” Becerra pointed out. “The covert recording and subsequent airing of the conversations did irreparable harm to the reputations of both the Planned Parenthood organization and the individuals who work there.”

Becerra rejected the assertion that “the crass dismemberment of the fetuses for commercial gain is a crime worthy of exposure. A woman’s right to an abortion has been unalienable under our laws since 1973. The manner in which the excised tissue will be disposed of is a private matter. No woman should have her decision second-guessed because this tissue is exchanged for funds to help support the organization that has provided the health care services.”

The possibility that Daleiden and Merritt could go to prison for their investigative journalism didn’t faze Becerra one bit. “We need to send as strong a message as we can that any action intended to impede a woman’s right to an abortion will be sternly dealt with,” Becerra said. “By making an example of these two we may discourage others from imitating them.”

In related news, DeShawn Taylor, previous Medical Director of Planned Parenthood of Arizona, acknowledged that “in the effort to secure the optimal quantity of valuable fetal tissue sometimes a baby accidentally survives the abortion procedure. Depending on who’s in the room when this happens it may or may not be a problem. In theory, we’re supposed to send survivors to the hospital. But if there are no unreliable observers present the more practical course is to simply wait for the fetus to die so we can harvest the parts we’re already obligated to deliver to the purchaser so we we don’t lose the revenue.”

Academic Progress against Freedom of Speech

In Florida, a student—Marshall Polston—was suspended for challenging his Muslim professor Areej Zufari’s assertion that the claim Jesus was crucified is a hoax. Rollins College officials maintained that “the suspension was necessary because the student disobeyed the instructor’s order to stay out of the classroom. We strive to ensure an orderly transmission of knowledge from the professor to the students. Those students who disrupt this process by needlessly disagreeing with the teacher must be removed for the process to work as designed.”

However, when evidence, including surveillance camera footage, contradicted Zufari’s contention that Polston had been disruptive the suspension was reversed. Nevertheless, Polston was admonished by school authorities to “use this occasion to reflect on how best to express your opinion and treat others in a respectful manner.” Despite having her allegations disproved, Zufari received no similar admonishment.

In Pennsylvania, Drexel University Professor George Ciccariello-Maher, a self-described communist, urged students to “do whatever is necessary to prevent Charles Murray from speaking on our campus. We must make it clear that people like him have no right to spew their opinions among us. The university must be safe from the intrusion of anti-progressive thought.”

Murray has written dozens of books on social policy from a libertarian perspective—a fact which irks Ciccariello. “Murray’s notion that freedom is the preferred state for the human species is naive,” Ciccariello contended. “Individuals aren’t competent to run their own lives. In the ideal society the intellegentsia act as the community’s brain—directing each individual toward his proper role in service of the collective. Nonconforming views like those espoused by Murray have no place in our world.”

Ciccariello attained some notoriety last December for his tweet “all I want for Christmas is white genocide.” and his further demand that “we really need to abolish the White race. As I advised my son, if we had the courage to selectively poison them or send them to gulag-style death camps the world would be a better place.” Though he himself is White, Ciccariello declined to personally implement his own extermination “because I need to stick around to continue my role as spiritual adviser to the colored races.”

In California, Pierce College, a branch of the Los Angeles Community College District in Woodland Hills, blocked a student—Kevin Shaw—from passing out copies of the US Constitution on campus. California Community Colleges Chancellor Eloy Ortiz Oakley explained that “every campus has a designated free speech area where students can say whatever they want as long as it doesn’t offend anyone. Mr. Shaw’s complaint that the ten-by twenty foot space set aside for this purpose is inadequate is not borne out by the evidence. I hardly ever see anyone in this space. If anything, I think we might’ve been overly generous. Unless Shaw can demonstrate to our satisfaction that more space is needed he should keep quiet.”

“Freedom of speech is a natural right held by all Americans,” Shaw argued. “The College’s contention that it is a matter of density of the occupation of a ridiculous artificial ‘free speech zone’ completely misses the point. Every American has the right to respectfully express his political opinions in any public area, which on this campus would be virtually all outdoor areas between the buildings. Certainly, the distribution of a document informing people of their constitutional rights is protected freedom of speech.”

Veto Bars Abused Women from Obtaining Guns

Virginia Gov. Terry McAuliffe (D) vetoed a legislative act that would have allowed women with a protective order against a violent spouse or domestic partner to quickly obtain a handgun permit. Normally, it takes about 45 days to process a handgun permit request.

McAuliffe said the bill would be a threat to public safety. “There are already too many people with guns,” he argued. “We ought to be decreasing the number of them who are armed.” The Governor explicitly rejected the contention that women at risk of bodily harm from domestic partners would benefit from the legislation. “Very few abusers actually kill their partners. But if the women are armed they may kill someone. So, basically, the bill would take us from a situation in which a few women are killed to one in which many more men may get shot. I don’t like those odds.”

The Governor also argued that “arming these women would complicate the legal picture. Right now, if she is killed by her partner we can prosecute him with a clear conscience. If she shoots him the situation becomes more murky. Unlike police, these women aren’t trained to know when a shooting is or isn’t justified. This bill would increase the chances that she’d face criminal charges. I can’t sign on to a law that might convert her from an innocent victim to a possible felon.”

Philip Van Cleave, president of the Virginia Citizens Defense League, contested the Governor’s reasoning saying that “when a woman seeks a protective order the situation is already fraught with dire peril. An abuser used to easy access to his victim frequently becomes incensed at her last ditch effort to put some distance between them. Making her wait 45 days before she can legally arm herself puts her in great danger that a physically stronger man will hurt her, perhaps fatally. This bill would’ve closed that gap.”

Candidate Lies about National Security Experience

Jon Ossoff, the Georgia Democrat running for the House seat vacated by Republican Tom Price who is now Trump’s Secretary of Health and Human Services, has been campaigning as a man “with five years of top secret security clearance.” The truth is that Ossoff has had quite a bit less time with top secret clearance.

While the candidate admitted that he had a US top secret clearance for only five months he defended his campaign claims by asserting that his employment at an investigative film company that does work for Al Jazeera over the last three years “has more than equaled any national security experience I might’ve gained by working for the United States government.”

Election day is April 18th, but early voting turnout suggests that Ossoff is leading in the race.

In related news, Rep. Robert Francis “Beto” O’Rourke (D-Tex) announced his candidacy for the senate seat currently held by Ted Cruz. A key factor motivating his challenge has been “Cruz’s failure to represent the people on the Mexico side of the border. They are not citizens, but they still have an abiding interest in ensuring that immigration, legal and otherwise, remains unimpeded by the Trump Administration.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.