House Hearing Reveals Pattern of Bias in FBI

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

In FBI Director Christopher Wray’s testimony before a House committee earlier this week it became apparent that the FBI exhibited a pattern of inconsistent treatment and bias in the way the agency has handled investigations of Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump over the last two years.

Chairman of the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee, Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-SC) called the revelations “very damaging to the reputation and credibility of the FBI. Even though there appears to be considerable evidence that former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton violated the law, the agency. under then Director James Comey, bent over backwards to excuse and cover up these crimes. Comey even went so far as to assert that no prosecutor would have gone forward with a case against Clinton. As a former prosecutor myself, I strongly disagree.”

“In contrast to the ‘free pass’ given to Clinton, Special Counsel Mueller’s investigation of supposed collusion between Donald Trump and Russia has resembled Inspector Javert’s relentless pursuit of Jean Valjean,” Gowdy said. “He has staffed his team with a bevy of Clinton partisans, including a few who appear to have aided in covering up her misdeeds. After more than six months on the case, there is still no evidence of a Trump/Russia collusion. Instead there is an indication that both the Clinton campaign and the FBI may be implicated in manufacturing the bogus GPS dossier and that this false document was used to secure a FISA warrant to spy on the Trump campaign.”

Willard Weezel, spokesman for Comey, attempted to clarify the former FBI Director’s stance, saying that “Director Comey wasn’t simply addressing the legal issues, but was also weighing the practical issues. On the one hand, if he had referred the matter to Attorney General Lynch it would have seriously damaged a major Party’s chances to win an upcoming election. Keeping the FBI out of politics was an important objective.”

“On the other hand, people engaging in actions that could have a negative impact on the Clintons seem to experience an unusually high frequency of untimely fatal accidents and suicides,” Weezel observed. “So, derailing a possible investigation of the former Secretary probably saved a few lives. Rather than condemning Director Comey for letting one guilty person get away, he deserves the nation’s thanks for helping save some lives.”

In related news, it turns out that Aaron Zebley, a member of Mueller’s investigative team, represented Justin Cooper, the man who enabled Hillary Clinton’s efforts to evade scrutiny of her communications by setting up an unsecure server in her Chappaqua home where she illegally transferred and stored classified government documents. Cooper also destroyed Clinton’s BlackBerries with a hammer to prevent them from being entered as evidence of her lawbreaking. Zebley’s efforts included stonewalling congressional attempts to interview Cooper.

Franken Persecuted by Democrats

Despite asserting “I’ve done nothing wrong” and expressing confidence that he would have been cleared of wrongdoing by a Senate Ethics Committee investigation, Sen Al Franken (D-Minn) announced that he would be resigning his seat “in the next few weeks.”

Franken, pressured by dozens of his fellow Democrats to “resign for the good of the Party,” complained about “the double standard in our society that lets Donald Trump get away with boasting about groping women, but hangs me because I actually took the initiative to interact with these women. As Trump said on the Access Hollywood tape ‘women let you get away with anything when you’re a celebrity.’ Well, I am a celebrity as a senator and was a celebrity as a TV star and comedian. Why can’t I get away with it?”

The Senator pointed out that “my interactions were inspired by my respect for women and their delectable bosoms and buttocks. What my accusers are claiming was unwanted touching were merely my expression of affection for their being willing to be in the same room with me. That some of the women I have touched would turn against me after all I’ve done to uphold their right to have abortions seems cold and ungrateful. But I will do my best to try to understand and adapt to the new social norms that are being forced on me.”

While contending that “Franken was railroaded for behavior that has traditionally been tolerated as a ‘perk’ of powerful men,” MSNBC’s Chris Matthews argued that “the sacrifice of a rising star in the Democratic Party on the basis of what were either unproven allegations or minor infractions shows that the worst anyone can say about Democrats is that they are too pure. Franken had a choice between resigning or switching to the GOP where molesting women is an accepted standard. That he chose the nobler option while Trump and Moore cling to their political aspirations is a clear distinction of which Party has the moral high ground.”

Matthews dismissed the more spectacular allegations against former President Clinton and Senator Kennedy as “moot points since neither currently holds public office. Besides, no woman ever demanded that they resign. At the very least, that is prima facie evidence that their interactions were all consensual.”

In related news, Rep. Ruben Kihuen (D-Nev) refuses to resign over sexual harassment accusations. He says he had House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi’s permission: “She knew all about this before I was elected in 2016. She even donated to my campaign. I’m not going to let her add my scalp to her trophy case.”

Kaepernick Awarded Ho Chi Minh Red Star

This week Colon Kaepernick, the original “kneeling football player,” was honored with the annual Ho Chi Minh Red Star award for his efforts against capitalist oppression. The gem-encrusted jewel was presented by 1972 award recipient Jane Fonda at the ACLU of Southern California’s annual Bill of Rights Dinner.

Fonda hailed “Kaepernick’s extraordinary courage in the face of the extreme dangers he endured while being forced to risk life and limb for the amusement of unjustly rich team owners and rabidly racist fans of the barbaric sport as a player and the enmity of those who disrespected his right to disrespect the United States National Anthem and flag. His defiance has inspired fellow players to join his protest and fellow antifascists to take to the streets. He is truly America’s top anti-capitalist of the year.”

Obama Claims Credit for Booming Economy

Rosy economic statistics showing a robust 3.3 percent annual growth in gross domestic product and an all time low in the unemployment rate for Hispanics prompted former President Barack Obama to assert that “the real credit for this good news belongs to me.”

“Trump wants everyone to believe that his relaxation of regulations and championing of tax cuts deserve the credit,” Obama said. “What he and everyone else is overlooking is that the stringent regulations and high taxes that prevailed for my eight year term built up the ‘coiled spring’ pressure that, when released by Trump’s moves, allowed the economy to rebound to rates of growth never achieved during the period of sacrifice I forced the nation to endure.”

“I wasn’t overlooking that,” House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) insisted. “That’s why its so important that we stop the Republican tax cut bill. The loosening and stimulating effects of this bill would undermine the coiled spring effects that President Obama and Congress worked so hard to impose on our economy over the previous eight years.”

Pelosi was particularly wary of what she characterized as “the narcotic-like addiction of lower tax rates on the average American worker. If the GOP bill passes, a typical family would see an average tax cut of more than a thousand dollars a year for the next ten years. This would deter them from working overtime or taking second jobs. They’d put in fewer hours working to pay the taxes needed to pay benefits to the poor. It’s bad enough that the unilateral moves toward deregulation that President Trump has taken have increased the number of jobs available. Soon he will be expecting many of those on welfare to take some of these jobs. Their loss of leisure time would be catastrophic to their lifestyle. It would be like Armageddon for these Americans and the Democrats who champion their rights to sustenance and freedom from wage slavery.”

Massachusetts Democratic Senator Elizabeth Warren echoed Pelosi’s opposition to the tax cut bill calling it “a vile and despicable scam that every right-thinking American must oppose,” even though she herself refuses to read the legislation because “I don’t want to pollute my mind with such trash.”

Trump Recognizes Jerusalem as Israeli Capital

After three previous presidents neglected to abide by legislation ordering the United States to recognize Jerusalem as the capital of Israel, President Trump obeyed the law by announcing that we will be moving our embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem.

The move was denounced by Hezbollah leader Hassan Nasrallah who contends that “this humiliation of 1.5 billion Muslims is immoral and illegal. Allah has given all the world to the Muslims. Trump’s attempt to claim Jerusalem for Satan and his Jewish demons contradicts the eternal laws written in the Quran. Death and sorrow will be the payment extracted from the Jews and their allies.”

Nasrallah’s statement was followed by the vandalization of a Kosher restaurant in Amsterdam. Reinier van Dantzig, who heads the the left-leaning Democrats 66 Party’s faction on the Amsterdam City Council blamed “Trump’s kowtowing to Zionist extremists and ignoring the sensitivities of the Muslim minority that lives among us.” Herman Loonstein, who heads the Federative Jewish Netherlands group, condemned van Dantzig’s statement. “It is not the Jew who owns the restaurant, nor the government of Israel, nor the President of the United States that is responsible,” he said. “It is the man who smashed the windows. Placing the blame where it doesn’t belong was the cowardly and obscene tactic of the Nazis for their Kristallnacht atrocity. We must not emulate their example.”

Sen. Diane Feinstein (D-Calif) also denounced Trump’s decision calling it “an invitation to violence. It’s not so much a question of what is right, but what is prudent. Twenty years ago, I was an idealistic young woman who voted for the law mandating the recognition of Jerusalem as Israel’s capital because it was the right thing to do. I now oppose this because it is the prudent thing to do. Over the last two decades Islam has become much more deadly in its assault against other faiths. Rather than inflame Muslims by challenging their right to rule the world, the safer course is to entangle them in unending negotiations—as has been the policy of our government under the three successive administrations prior to the current one.”

Presidential Press Secretary Sarah Sanders pointed out that “all of the violence carried out by Islamic extremists—the World Trade Center attack, the Orlando nightclub massacre, and the San Bernardino shootings, to name some prominent examples—has occurred during a period in which the United States has refused to recognize the capital chosen by the Israeli government. It doesn’t seem to me that the era of appeasement has been much of a factor in mitigating Islamic violence. Maybe it’s time to try a strong stand and do the right thing.”

In related news, Gerard Araud, the French ambassador to the U.S., took the occasion of December 7 to blame “the refusal of the United States to stop Hitler before his troops invaded France in 1940 led directly to the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor in 1941. If the Americans had come to our aid earlier Japan would not have dared to attack them.” The Ambassador failed to mention that in 1938 France and England assisted Hitler in dismembering Czechoslovakia in the infamous Munich Agreement.

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Juror Explains Verdict in Murder Trial

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnThis week, Jose Ines Garcia Zarate, the man who shot and killed Kate Steinle in 2015, was acquitted of all homicide-related charges (murder, manslaughter, negligent homicide) by a San Francisco jury. The sole charge on which jurors could agree he was guilty was “illegal possession of a firearm.”

Speaking “off-the-record,” Juror X explained that “the fact that the defendant had previously been deported five times persuaded us that he was not really responsible for killing Ms. Steinle. On the one hand, several jurors blamed the government for inciting Mr. Garcia’s rage. Being repeatedly forced to sneak into the country at great effort drove him to live outside the law. Such a lifestyle entails risky behavior like carrying the weapon he carelessly fired into a crowd of shoppers and tourists at a waterfront pier. If our country’s borders were open Mr. Garcia would have been allowed to legally enter and would not have had to join the criminal underworld.”

“Other jurors blamed the lack of gun control,” Juror X continued. “If no one were allowed to have a gun it wouldn’t have been possible for Mr. Garcia to shoot anyone and Ms. Steinle would still be alive. It was felt that it would be unfair to lay all of the blame on Mr. Garcia when it is right-wing politicians who have blocked sensible gun confiscation. Logically, then, since in a sane society it would have to be illegal for anyone to have possession of a firearm, we were able to reach a consensus that convicting Mr Garcia of that charge would lead to the most just outcome that was within our power to bestow.”

“All of us agreed that Ms. Steinle’s death was a tragic accident,” Juror X added. “Mr. Garcia had no intent to kill her or anyone else. He was just blowing off steam. She, unfortunately, was in the wrong place at the wrong time. She wasn’t murdered. As a woman she couldn’t have been man-slaughtered. And negligent homicide would be a failure to use the care that a normally careful person would. Well, Mr. Garcia is not a normal person. He is a former felon and cannot be held to the same standard that a law-abiding, noncriminal person should be held.”

San Francisco Mayor Ed Lee called the verdict “a clear vindication of our sanctuary policy. It sends a message to all those living in fear of being mistreated by federal immigration goons that they can come to our city and be protected by our laws and, as the decision by this enlightened and socially progressive jury has shown, by the citizens of San Francisco.”

Flynn to Testify Against Trump

U.S. District Judge Rudolph Contreras advised admitted liar Gen. Michael Flynn “to fully cooperate with special counsel Robert Mueller” and told him he can avoid substantial prison time “if and only if he provides substantial assistance in the prosecution of another person.” Flynn has pleaded guilty to lying to the FBI about a conversation he had with Russian Ambassador Sergey Kislyak during the post-election transition period following Donald Trump’s victory over presidential rival Hillary Clinton.

Insiders are reporting that Flynn has told Mueller that “Trump told me to contact the Russians and have them set up the ‘accidental’ tarmac meeting between Bill Clinton and Attorney-General Loretta Lynch at the Phoenix Airport in July 2016. Our thinking was that as a person with demonstrated poor impulse control, Clinton would be unable to pass up the opportunity to bribe or pressure Lynch into blocking any further investigations of his wife’s negligent handling of classified materials in her personal emails.”

“As it turned out, we were right,” Flynn is reported to have told Mueller. “A subsequent Russian hack of FBI emails revealed that Clinton and Lynch did discuss a deal to suppress the investigation. An added bonus from this hack was the discovery that the Obama Administration misused the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act (FISA) communication intercept system to spy on the Trump campaign.”

ABC’s Brian Ross called Flynn’s reported testimony “the ‘smoking gun’ that will bring down the Trump Administration. The scheme was diabolical. By exploiting Clinton’s criminal vulnerability and natural desire to cover up any wrongdoing, the Trump campaign wove a web of such complexity that it completely thwarted the cover up and exposed the Obama Administration’s covert efforts to listen-in on Trump and his supporters using a ‘national security’ ruse. The publication of the hacked emails was an invasion of privacy that deprived Secretary Clinton, President Obama, Director James Comey, and perhaps others of their constitutional right against self-incrimination. That Trump’s actions were so far outside of the norms in our political system is a threat we should not tolerate. Thanks to the diligence of Special Counsel Robert Mueller, the day when things get back to normal is now a little bit closer.”

Soros Says Hungary Undoing Gains of Communism

Billionaire financier and funder of Antifa leftist goons, George Soros complains that current Hungarian Prime Minister Viktor Orban “is undoing all the progress made during the 40 years the country was ruled by Communists. After World War II, Stalin’s troops ensured that the people of Hungary would enjoy the full benefits of a progressive political and social system. Orban is throwing all that away.”

Particularly irritating to Soros is what he calls “Orban’s perverted use of border fences and guards. He has turned the previous progressive policy on its head by using these traditional barriers to keep migrants out instead of keeping citizens in as had been the practice under Communism. There are millions of Muslims who want to come to Hungary and claim the land for Allah. Orban’s racist policy of preventing their migration to Hungary violates their religious freedom. This kind of thing never would have happened if a progressive government were still in charge.”

In related news, Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdoğan rejected the concept of “moderate Islam” and predicted that “Muslims will soon overwhelm the weak unbelievers who occupy lands that rightfully belong to Islam.” Erdoğan declared Islam “superior to Judaism and Christianity” and insisted that “tolerance is unacceptable. Muslims will convert or slay these kafirs until all the world is for Allah.”

Meanwhile, in Islamic chat rooms on the Internet the idea of purposely targeting children for death is going viral. Sentiments such as “I wish that I could travel to Europe or America or Australia and burn their children with oil” and “I would choose a kindergarten and a maternity hospital to slaughter them” garner far more “likes” than “dislikes” in the comments sections. Nonetheless, UK’s Prime Minister Theresa May maintains that “President Trump’s fear of Islamic violence is a greater threat to our way of life than ISIS.”

NBC Sexual Predator Seeks $30 million Payoff”

Former “Today Show” star Matt Lauer is threatening to sue NBC for the $30 million balance owed for the one-and-a-half years remaining on his contract with the network. Lauer was summarily fired earlier in the week following a raft of accusations that he sexually assaulted several women in his office.

Lauer’s lawyer, Marvin Tushman maintains that “the firing is a breach of contract. Nothing that my client did was outside the bounds of normal behavior at the network. He wasn’t the only one groping and boffing women at 30 Rock. For the NBC brass to make an issue of it after all these years and to single out Matt while letting others skate is manifestly unfair.”

Tushman argued that “since this kind of behavior from the talent was tolerated over such a long period it created a sort of ‘easement right’ that Matt thought was a perk of the job. The fact that he was allowed to install a special door locking device to prevent his female visitors from escaping implies that management was okay with what he was doing. That none of these women publicly complained until recently was quite naturally interpreted by Matt as implied consent. And why not? He’s a handsome and powerful man. Why wouldn’t he think his attentions were wanted?”

A prospective lawsuit isn’t Lauer’s only option for blunting the financial impacts of his unemployment. He is rumored to be pitching a “tell all” book deal with several publishers. “I’m thinking that ‘Lauer’s Ladies’ might be a good title for both a book and a movie,” the former “Today Show” host mused.

In related news, Fox News personality Geraldo Rivera sort of apologized to Bette Midler after she posted a video from 1991 in which she accused him of drugging and groping her in the 1970s. “We newsmen work in a flirty business,” he asserted. “I like to think of myself as more of a caresser or fondler than a groper. As I recall, Bette was unconscious at the time. So her characterization of me as a ‘groper’ seems harsh and unfair, but I’m a big enough man to take responsibility and I apologize if she feels that I violated her.”

Councilwoman Wants to Outlaw Bullet-Proof Glass

Philadelphia City Councilwoman Cindy Bass is pushing an ordinance that would bar retailers from having bullet-proof glass block customers’ access to store employees. The glass is common in convenience markets that serve high-crime sectors of the city.
“Bullet-proof glass is an insult to minorities,” Bass contends. “Lots of businesses in these same neighborhoods—barber shops and bars, for example—don’t have these barriers. That’s the neighborly way to run a business. If these convenience markets aren’t going to be neighborly voluntarily we need to have a law that forces them.”

Rich Kim, whose family has owned a deli in the city for the last 20 years sees the bullet-proof glass as “a common sense safety measure. It protects employees and discourages robbers. Outlawing it will lead to more crime and more dead bodies.”

Bass characterized Kim’s objections as “racist. He wouldn’t be saying these things if all of his customers were Asians. He only wants the barriers to keep black men from obtaining the money they need to feed their families.” As an alternative she recommended that “Kim and others like him should buy more insurance to cover the losses from theft. If they’re not willing to do that they should get out of the business.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

ASU Cronkite Award withdrawn from Sexual Predator Charlie Rose

Charlie Rose was a lousy, biased left-stream reporter and that made him a good candidate for ASU’s Walter Cronkite Award. Finally the Arizona State University’s Walter Cronkite School of Journalism and Mass Communication recognized what an embarrassment Rose is to journalism and it’s taking back the award it gave to Rose two years. Variety reports:

TV journalist and talk show host Rose has been accused of sexually harassing several women and was fired by CBS. He apologized for ” inappropriate behavior” but said “I do not believe that all of these allegations are accurate.”

“The Cronkite School is rescinding the Walter Cronkite Award for Excellence in Journalism given to Charlie Rose in 2015,” the statement read.

“This unprecedented action is taken with the utmost seriousness and deliberation. We are not in the business of trying to rewrite history.

“When new information about a recipient surfaces, the question we ask is not whether the award would be given again with a new set of facts, but whether the transgressions are so egregious that they demand nothing less than a reversal of history.”

Congressman Claims Constitutional Immunity

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnArnold Reed, attorney for Rep. John Conyers (D-Mich), asserted a claim of “constitutional immunity” in a bid to shield the congressman from charges that he wrongfully spent $27,000 in public monies to purchase the silence of a woman he is alleged to have sexually harassed.

“My client is no ordinary person,” Reed said. “He is a member of Congress. As such, he is entitled to privileges granted to such members by the Constitution. Among these privileges is immunity from arrest for any crimes save treason, felony, and breach of the peace. Even if true, the allegations made against him do not fit within these categories. Unwanted sexual advances are neither treasonous nor felonious. And paying hush money would seem to clearly constitute an effort to keep the peace rather than breach it.”

“Further, the Constitution makes Congress the sole judge of the behavior of its members,” Reed added. “In fulfillment of this responsibility, Congress established the Office Of Compliance (OOC) and has paid out $17 million over the past 20 years to induce victims to sign nondisclosure agreements to protect members of Congress from having damaging allegations be publicized. While not specifically part of the OOC process, my client’s payments were within the scope and in the same spirit of the OOC’s payments to persons victimized by other representatives and senators.”

“Finally, the Constitution gives Congress the authority to keep certain actions secret,” Reed observed. “Quite reasonably, this currently includes the payouts made by the OOC. It would be discriminatory for my client to be penalized for mirroring the OOC’s practices. Rep. Conyers is asserting his right to equal treatment under the rules of Congress and demanding that the same immunity from embarrassment that has been purchased for his peers by the OOC be extended to him.”

House colleague Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif) rallied to Conyers’ defense, calling him “a man of impeccable integrity on all of our issues. He didn’t do anything that most of the white boys in congress haven’t done. Singling him out like they’re doing is racist.”

In related news, Lois Lerner, Obama Administration’s director of the Exempt Organizations Unit of the Internal Revenue Service, who used her position to illegally discriminate against conservative organizations, is demanding that the testimony she gave in exchange for a grant of immunity be permanently withheld from the public, claiming that “if the full details of what we did to these people were to become widely known my personal safety would be threatened.” Lerner’s public plea for secrecy came in response to a lawsuit seeking civil damages being pursued by Citizens for Self Governance.

For Attempt to Record Bullying, Mother Is Charged with Felony

After numerous unanswered complaints to the bureaucrats running Ocean View Elementary school in Norfolk, Virginia regarding her daughter being bullied by other students, Sarah Sims put a digital recorder in her 9-year-old’s backpack. School authorities found the recorder and reported it to the police. Sims is now charged with “felony use of a device to intercept oral communication.”

Vice-Principal Rupert Petty explained that “covert recording is not a minor infraction. For one thing, surveillance is the exclusive prerogative of school authorities. Students and parents who take it upon themselves to usurp this prerogative demonstrate a disrespect for authority. We have a ‘no tolerance’ policy for this type of disobedience.”

Sims’ attorney Kristin Paulding characterized the school’s complaint as “an unreasonable abuse of their authority. Their apparent indifference to the bullying going on at the school prodded my client to take her own measures to try to protect her child. Having her charged with a felony that could mean jail time would further endanger her daughter. I can’t imagine that any sane judge or jury would convict her.”

“Whether Ms. Sims goes to jail or not is not our concern,” Petty responded. “The mere fear of going to jail combined with the expense and effort necessary to avoid a conviction ought to be sufficient to discourage other parents and students from launching similar challenges to the school’s way of doing things.”

GOP Tax Bill Gives Jersey Dem Pause

A provision in the Republican tax reform that would eliminate the itemized deduction for state and local income taxes has prompted New Jersey State Senate President Steve Sweeney (D) to reconsider his Party’s plan to raise the state income tax rate to 10.75 percent.

“While the new rate would only apply to those in the highest tax bracket the loss of the opportunity to deduct the taxes they pay to New Jersey from their federal tax liability could have significant negative impacts on the state,” Sweeney warned. “Without these federal deductions for state taxes the full burden for state spending will fall on our taxpayers alone. New Jersey voters’ willingness to bear this burden is in doubt.”

U.S. House Speaker Paul Ryan (R-Wis.) hailed Sweeney’s reluctance to raise New Jersey’s income tax rate, calling it “one of the intended outcomes of our bill. The federal deduction has encouraged state legislatures to boost tax rates and frivolous spending higher than they would otherwise dare to do. By eliminating the option of passing on some of the burdens of bigger government to residents of low-tax states we are leveling the playing field. If New Jersey voters want bigger government let them pay the full price of it by themselves.”

Rep. Peter King (R-NY) opposes eliminating the deduction contending that “the high-tax states have become accustomed to the subsidies from low-tax states that result from the current tax code. Withdrawing them will cause severe distress and force changes that those who govern the high-tax states would prefer not to have to deal with.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Senator Seeks Meeting with FBI Informant

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnA lawyer representing Sen. Diane Feinstein (Calif)–the top Democrat on the Senate Judiciary Committee–requested the opportunity to meet privately with former FBI informant, William Campbell. Campbell helped the FBI chronicle bribery, kickbacks and money laundering connected to the Uranium One scandal.

Victoria Toensing, Campbell’s attorney, agreed to meet, but questioned the time and location suggested by Feinstein’s lawyer, saying that “a midnight meeting at Fort Marcy Park strikes me as unusually inconvenient, probably unwise, and potentially dangerous.”

Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-Iowa), chairman of the Judiciary Committee, called Feinstein’s request “premature. Mr. Campbell will be testifying before the entire Committee. Every senator on the committee will have an opportunity to question him. If any senator has additional questions afterward a one-on-one meeting in a more conventional time and location can be arranged.”

In related news, Hillary Clinton insists that “any effort by the Department of Justice or Congress to investigate me is an abuse of power. All of the actions I took while Secretary of State are exempt because of a concept called ‘sovereign immunity.’ Namely, every agent of government is free to carry out his or her duties without interference and second-guessing by outsiders.” Clinton pointed out that “this isn’t the first time that my enemies have tried to drag me to court. But let me remind you that in so may instances fate has intervened to eliminate my accusers before any harm could be done.”

Update on Sexual Allegations Sweeping the Country

The rising tide of allegations of sexual harassment that swept through Hollywood is now inundating politics and moistening persons of varying ideological proclivities.
So far, eight women have accused Alabama Republican senatorial candidate Roy Moore of sexually inappropriate behavior dating back several decades. The most serious accusation alleging attempted rape was made by Beverly Young Nelson. The veracity of this allegation was cast into some doubt by Nelson’s own lawyer—Gloria Allred—who refused to attest to the validity of the signed high school yearbook offered in support of Nelson’s claim. As she told CNN’s Wolf Blitzer “I haven’t asked my client whether the ‘Roy Moore’ signature is genuine. Even if it is a forgery, though, that wouldn’t prove that he didn’t try to rape her.”

Moore has demanded that the yearbook be examined by an independent handwriting expert to assess whether it is or isn’t a forgery. To date, Allred has declined to submit the book for forensic examination, insisting that “the time isn’t yet ripe for such a step. My client’s credibility shouldn’t be held hostage to the admittedly imperfect art of handwriting analysis.”

While a number of leading Republicans have asserted that Moore must give up his run for the Senate because of the allegations, sexual abuse allegations against sitting Sen. Al Franken (D-Minn) have inspired only a call for an “ethics” investigation from Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. “Sen. Franken is already a colleague and, as such, is entitled to certain privileges and immunities,” McConnell contended. “We need hard evidence before we jump the gun on him.”

Interestingly, there is a photo of Franken fondling the breasts of his accuser while she slept. Kasie Hunt, the Capitol Hill correspondent for NBC News, brushed aside the photo evidence saying that “since the woman was asleep I can’t see that any real harm was done to her. I mean. Franken is well known for his crude sense of humor. Leeann is only degrading herself by bringing this up after so many years have passed.”

Meanwhile, Rep. Jackie Speier (D-Calif) revealed that Congress has a slush fund that has paid out $15 million over the last 20 years to “hush up incidents of harassment and abuse carried out by members of congress. The ironically named Office of Compliance (OOC) essentially protects the offenders by forcing victims to sign nondisclosure agreements as a condition of getting a settlement. Leadership’s notion that mandating sexual harassment training for all lawmakers and staff will solve the problem is ludicrous. Congress is purportedly the elite of our democratic society. How could any member not already know that fondling, groping, intimidating, or sexually assaulting is wrong?”

In related news, disgraced former purveyor of fake news Dan Rather absolved former President Bill Clinton from “any blame that might attach to his alleged improper behavior. Even if he did rape Broadderick, so much time has passed that she is a hideous old woman now. She is not the kind of person that a man of sophistication and taste like President Clinton could be seriously suspected of assaulting.”

Dems Introduce Articles of Impeachment

This week Rep. Steve Cohen (D-TN) introduced Articles of Impeachment against President Donald Trump, saying that “this usurper must be held accountable for his high crimes and misdemeanors before he drags the country into the hellish tyranny he has designed for America.” The list of offenses includes…

“On election night in 2016, rather than gracefully and rightly conceding to the winner of the popular vote, Donald Trump exploited a the loophole of the Electoral College to unfairly declare himself president,” Cohen charged. “Millions were summarily disenfranchised. Women and minorities were especially hard hit.”

“He continues to steadfastly refuse to release his income tax returns, relying on the so-called legal right to privacy that the IRS law allows to every taxpayer,” Cohen complained. “Privacy is a bourgeois conceit that has no rightful place in a socially progressive society. It is not up to the individual to decide what is to be private. That is a decision belonging to the government.”

“In defiance of the norms under which members of government obtain wealth by trading on their positions of power, Trump continues to hold an ownership share in capitalistic enterprises that reap their profits from offering services for which customers voluntarily pay,” Cohen revealed. “This raises a ‘red flag’ that suggests he cannot be trusted to act in the best interests of the governing class.”

“And just last week he couldn’t give a speech without pausing in the middle to drink from a bottle of water,” Cohen said. “No other president has ever done this. Is he merely uncouth? Or does he have a serious medical problem? Either way his fitness to hold the office must be questioned.”

“Finally, he has cast aspersions on the media, repeatedly referring to it as ‘fake news,’ thus undermining the credibility of our nation’s foremost arbiters of truth,” Cohen concluded. “Thomas Jefferson warned us against this threat to our freedoms. Those who question the media strike at the very heart of our constitutional guarantee of freedom of the press. If the people lose faith in the media they will be set adrift in a sea of cacophonic and disparate opinion with no reliable guide to correct thought.”

In related news, Attorney General Jeff Sessions told the House judiciary committee that “there is not enough evidence to support a special counsel to investigate Hillary Clinton.” He differentiated Clinton’s situation from that of President Trump by pointing out “in the case of Trump and the Russians there was the GPS Fusion dossier that provided a sound foundation of evidence for appointing Mueller to probe further. There is no similar dossier on Mrs. Clinton.”

Socialist Students Reject Food Drive Challenge

At Kent State University in Ohio, two left-wing student clubs—the Young Democratic Socialists of America (YDSA) and the Socialist Collective (SC)–rejected a challenge from Young Americans for Liberty (YAL) and Turning Point USA (TPUSA) to see which organization could gather the most food for poor people in a campus-wide canned food drive.

YDSA chapter co-chair, Ethan Comeriato, explained “While in the short run the food drive would benefit the public our participation would detract from our long-term goal of helping the poor through socialism. The flaw in all charitable giving is that the giver has the option to refuse. In the progressive America toward which we are working the option to refuse will be replaced by government control of all resources. Rather than having to rely on individual generosity to care for the less well off, government experts will dole out the necessities of life for the collective benefit of all.”

Comeriato also labeled the challenge “a capitalistic trick aimed at supporting the false consciousness of individualism. By making the collection of food a competition it obscures the reality that the poor have every right to seize the food they need from those who have a surplus. This is a dangerous idea spewed by dangerous organizations. If the challenge entailed breaking into the homes of the rich and confiscating food for distribution to the poor we’d be all-in.”

YAL chapter president, Kevin Cline, expressed his disappointment of the rebuff, saying “the purpose of our challenge was to extend an olive branch to our ideological counterparts on campus, open up a mutual dialogue and friendly channels of communication, and accomplish some good for our community in the process.”

“Socialists cannot be friendly with capitalists,” Comeriato replied. “These exploiters of the working class must be dispossessed and punished for their crimes against humanity. As Marx proved so long ago, those who resist the revolution for social justice must be reeducated or liquidated, as the people’s tribunals will decide. There is no point to a dialogue with Cline or his ilk when it is people like him that we mean to publicly hang as an example to everyone that we are serious about transforming our country.”

Dems Demand Free Abortions for Illegals

Sen. Patty Murray (D-WA) and 15 other Democratic senators signed a letter to the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) assailing a Trump Administration policy denying illegal unaccompanied minors access to abortion.

“Long ago the Supreme Court decreed that it is every woman’s constitutional right to abort her unwanted child,” the letter said. “The Administration’s attempt to get around the Court’s decree by asserting it doesn’t apply to females in the country illegally is reprehensible. Their argument that providing free abortions to illegal immigrants would only encourage more illegal immigration is irrelevant. Providing a refuge for those seeking abortions outlawed in the Latin American tyrannies from which these women are escaping upholds the longstanding traditions of our country as a beacon of freedom.”

Sen. Murray elaborated on the letter, insisting that “laws against using taxes to fund abortions are obviously unconstitutional. What good is a theoretical right to an abortion if you can’t afford to pay for it? The whole point of an impoverished female coming to America to abort her unwanted child would be completely thwarted if the government can refuse to pay for it. In light of recent scientific findings showing that having children is harming the planet, it would be insane for us not to fund every possible abortion we can before it is too late.”

In related news, another new constitutional right was recently announced by Army Chief of Staff Gen. Mark Milley who asserted that “the Constitution’s ‘pursuit of happiness’ clause says that Army personnel have a constitutional right to change their gender and the government has an obligation to provide the medical and financial resources to see that this right is fulfilled.”

Biden’s Bizarre Gun Control Logic

Despite the availability of an AR-15 to Stephen Willeford being a crucial factor that helped him bring and end to the Sutherland Springs, Texas church massacre, former Vice-President Joe Biden adamantly asserted that “this is the type of gun no one should be allowed to have.”

“I know some will argue that Willeford saved lives by shooting the guy who was killing dozens of people in that church,” Biden acknowledged. “But we’ve got to look at the bigger picture and be willing to make the sacrifices that promote the greater good. If Willeford hadn’t had the AR-15 the killer might’ve shot a few more people. On the other hand, widespread ownership of AR-15s poses a much more serious threat that anti-government types could mount a dangerous resistance to government authority.

Eliminating this greater danger by confiscating weapons like the AR-15 is clearly the better policy.”

The editors at the Boston Globe newspaper took an even more extreme view than the former Veep and demanded that all 300 million privately held guns be confiscated. “One of the commonly overlooked advantages of the former Soviet Union’s gun control policies is that when only government authorities have legal access to firearms the ability of private citizens to shoot one another is drastically curtailed,” the editors observed. “Perhaps it’s time for us to accept a sinilar trade-off and give up our freedom to own guns in exchange for the freedom to not be shot by our fellow citizens.”

In possibly related news, a former Secret Service agent assigned to guard Biden during his vice-presidency claims that agents frequently had to intervene to protect women from being fondled by him. “He’d get ‘touchy-feely’ at every opportunity,” the agent recalled. “We couldn’t avert all the groping and would later cringe when we saw the evidence captured in photos of official events he attended. I mean, he doesn’t have the same senility escape clause employed by former President Bush and his demented ‘Copafeel’ magician joke.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Republicans Call for Moore to End Senate Run

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnThe Washington Post’s publication of allegations that Judge Roy Moore, the GOP candidate for Alabama’s open senate seat, made improper sexual advances toward teen-age women in 1979 sparked calls for him to exit the race.

Sen. John McCain (R-Az) insisted that Moore “should immediately step aside and allow the people of Alabama to elect a candidate they can be proud of. The allegations alone are disqualifying. Even if they turn out to be untrue the Senate is no place for a man about whom such charges are reported in a highly respected media outlet like the Post.”

Ironically, McCain was the target of allegations that he was engaged in an extramarital affair with a Washington lobbyist during his ill-fated 2008 presidential campaign. He didn’t step aside, something he now acknowledges “may have been a mistake. It was before I had the nomination. If I had made an earlier exit I could have been replaced by a candidate voters could have been proud of.”

McCain wasn’t the only unsuccessful GOP presidential candidate to demand Moore drop out of the race. The 2012 Republican presidential nominee, former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney, echoed the Arizona Senator, saying that Moore’s accuser’s story of bringing a basket of food to her grandmother’s house in the woods only to be confronted by the wolfish Moore “has a ring of truth about it that I find very persuasive. I can’t believe she would make up such a story.”

The National Republican Senatorial Committee has cut off funding for Moore’s campaign. Sen. Lisa Murkowski (R-Alaska) urged Sen. Luther Strange, who lost to Moore in the Republican primary, to run as a write-in candidate. Both of these moves would greatly increase the odds that Democrat Doug Jones will be Alabama’s next US senator. “No matter,” says Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ken), “I’d rather be in the minority than have to accept a tainted Republican as a senate colleague. We’ve been in the minority before. It’s not so bad. There’s a lot less pressure to get things done when you’re in the minority, but the perks are all still there.”

In related news, the US Senate has confirmed fewer of President Trump’s executive and judicial nominees at this point of his term than the nominees of any previous president. Minority Leader Sen. Charles Schumer (D-NY) has exploited every available procedure to delay confirmation votes. The Senate’s two-and-a-half day workweek is another contributing factor. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ken) lamented the slow pace, but asserted that “long standing Senate procedures cannot be abandoned simply because they impede the efficient function of the government. The attraction of being a senator would be dissipated if it required a 40-hour work week or expeditious handling of matters up for action.”

NYC Mayor Taunts ISIS

Emboldened by his reelection with 70 percent of the vote, New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio brazenly mocked Islamic terrorists calling the recent attack that killed eight people “feeble. There are more than eight million New Yorkers. It would take more than million attacks of the magnitude of that launched by Mr. Saipov to kill us all. Besides, five of the eight he killed were Argentinians—not New Yorkers, per se.”

“New Yorkers are resilient,” the Mayor continued. “Common criminals murder 300 people a year in our city, but our citizens don’t quake in fear because they know their government is safe from murderous assault. I have bodyguards with me 24/7. So no matter how many ordinary inhabitants terrorists may succeed in killing my reign will go on.”

In related news, the US Army is pondering whether to pay convicted deserter Pvt. Bowe Bergdahl $300,000 in back pay now that a judge has decided against sending him to prison. Army spokesman Col. Walter Wussier explained “if he were going to prison he wouldn’t need the money, but as a convicted traitor it will be hard for him to find a good job. A generous severance package would help him attain a decent lifestyle on the outside.”

Senator Reverses Herself on “Rigged Primary” Charge

Last week Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) told CNN’s Jake Tapper that the 2016 Democratic presidential primary was rigged to favor Hillary Clinton over her rival Sen. Bernie Sanders (Vt). This week she reversed herself saying that “I am persuaded that I was being manipulated into a false consciousness.”

The chief “persuader” according to Warren was none other than Hillary Clinton. “She reminded me that Bernie was the communist candidate and that the Russians would have had no incentive to rig the primaries against him,” the Senator said. “Once their efforts to secure the nomination for their ‘mole’ fell through they went to their back-up plan to undermine the person they most feared—Secretary Clinton.”

A secondary factor in her changed opinion “was Donna’s admission that her ‘tell all’ book was largely fiction. Publishers demand that there be some ‘blockbuster’ revelations before they will fork over millions for the rights to your book. Political campaigns are mostly boring tales of envelope stuffing, meaningless sound bites, and pressing-the-flesh. An honest recount might interest professional historians, but they are a tiny minority of the book-buyers in America. Now that Donna has pocketed her advance she is free to revert back to the dull reality.”

Sanders labeled Warren’s contention “ludicrous. First of all, in case Sen. Warren hasn’t noticed, Russia isn’t communist anymore. If they were going to meddle in the election it wouldn’t have been to help me. I’m not the one who sold Russia uranium in exchange for multi-million dollar donations to my foundation. Second of all, what’s so bad about communism? Hundreds of millions may have been oppressed and tens of millions killed, but the Soviet Union modernized a backward country and enforced an equality that we can only wish we had in America.”

Newly elected Democratic National Committee chairman Tom Perez contends that “the DNC actually did less than it could have on Hillary’s behalf. Back in 2008, the Party brought in thugs to frighten Republican voters away from some polling places. The Party didn’t do that for Hillary. Perhaps we were overconfident she would win without the full array of normal procedures. It was a mistake that has cost Democrats dearly. And one we may have to live with for quite awhile.”

The corruption within the Democratic Party is so bad that long-time Party strategist Doug Schoen urged major change. “The entire Democratic Party stinks from the head down, the whole process,” he complained. “The rigged primary, the Uranium One payoffs, the Trump dossier—it’s a mess. We need a special prosecutor to look into this.”

Rep. Al Green (D-Tex), though, blamed Trump for the “mess” saying that “his incitement of white supremacy, sexism, bigotry, hatred, xenophobia, race-baiting, and racism is what has driven the Democratic Party to undertake these desperate measures aimed at thwarting his tyranny. Until this man is impeached and removed from office we will continue to see riots in the streets, unending sexual harassment, and the persecution of minorities.”

In related news, flush with the success of what the Washington Post called their “vile and despicable” ad on behalf of Democrat Ralph Northam in the Virginia governor’s election, the Latino Victory Fund vowed to “spread the message far and wide” in future electoral contests. Cristóbal Alex, Latino Victory Fund president, justified the scurrilous ad, calling it “payback for Republican ads maligning MS-13, claiming it is a criminal gang.”

California NAACP Wants to Get Rid of the “Star Spangled Banner”

The California chapter of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People is lobbying the State Legislature to remove the Star Spangled Banner as the country’s national anthem. California NAACP President Alice Huffman credited former National Football League player Colin Kaepernick with “drawing attention to just how racist, pro-slavery,  anti-black the song is.”

While the words of the song seem to focus on fighting for freedom, Huffman contended that “the opening line asking whether Jose can see both belittles the eyesight of our Latino friends and singles them out for unknown, but probably racist reasons.”

Rep. Danny Davis (D-Ill) lauded the NAACP initiative and pointed out that “the lack of mention for this country’s foremothers and foresisters in the song is an unforgivable sexist slight, too. You know, former President Obama raised this issue back when he first ran for president. He objected to the bellicose content of the song—all the bombs bursting and such. He suggested at that time that we adopt the song ‘I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing’ as our anthem. I think that was very prescient of him and would be happy to introduce the legislation needed to accomplish this.”

Senate Tax Legislation May Delay Corporate Tax Cut

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell expressed concerns that the House proposal to make corporate tax cuts take place immediately “has sparked apprehension among our Democratic colleagues that such precipitous action would put their Party’s candidates at an unfair disadvantage during the 2018 election. They fear that the repatriation of corporate money currently held outside the country that such a tax cut would initiate would lead to too big of an increase in investment and jobs and that it would essentially ensure a Republican sweep of all competitive races for House and Senate seats.”

“Rather than tilt the playing field against our colleagues we are considering postponing the planned corporate tax cuts until 2019,” McConnell said. “That would put any potential economic resurgence into a period beyond the date of the election and remove the unfair advantage it could give Republicans in the minds of the voters.”

Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) was effusive in his praise for what he called “Mitch’s extraordinary devotion to fair play. That he would turn away from using his Party’s power to ram through a measure that could guarantee his Party remained the majority is the kind of selflessness you rarely see in politics. I don’t know if I could be as magnanimous were our roles reversed.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Las Vegas Killer’s Mystery Solved

Las Vegas police and the media have searched in vain for some tangible motive behind mass murderer Stephen Paddock’s monstrous shooting spree. They can’t find a smoking gun, a tie to Islamic terrorists or really much of anything else to explain what he did. Their motive trail has gone icily cold.

But they’ve overlooked the obvious.

Paddock was obviously under spiritual warfare and Satan won his soul.

The New Testament’s Book of Ephesians, Chapter 6, verse 12 explains it:

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

Paddock succumbed to that dark world and lost the struggle. He was controlled by Satan’s demons. Anyone committing such a heinous act of violence is under their control.

Furthermore, his lady said that sometimes he wailed in his sleep. His nights may have been tortured by the demons possessing his soul and inspiring him to do evil.

Paddock’s life at the end was dominated by evil. Satan is the author of evil. And the only way to explain this horrible, murderous shooting rampage is by examining satanic evil. A dark world of evil spiritual forces is in play in this world and it is at the root of the vile acts of mortals.

Jesus was not immune to temptation from the evil one, and neither are we. But here’s what we can do about it:

Put on the whole armour of God that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. — Ephesians 6:11

 

How Media Toasts Hurt the GOP Establishment

By Brent Bozell and Tim Graham, Newsbusters
November 4, 2017

A Morning Consult poll released on Halloween offers a scary result for establishment Republicans. They tested the approval/disapproval ratings of current members of the U.S. Senate. Guess who was in the cellar? Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell ranked dead last on a recent poll of senators’ popularity.flake-mccain

Guess who came in second to last? Jeff Flake, the Arizona senator who’s retiring because he couldn’t possibly win a Republican primary. Then guess who came in third with highest disapproval? Sen. John McCain.

Now take a look at who has the highest approval. Bernie Sanders came in first at 71 percent. Right behind him was his fellow leftist from Vermont, Patrick Leahy, at 67 percent.

What lesson can we take from this particular survey? It starts with the media elites. When the media love a leftist, that only helps them with their base. The friend of my friend is my friend. It also endears them to independents, since the media portray leftists as feisty populists for the common man, and not as the over-regulating, super-taxing socialists they are.

On the other hand, when the media love a Republican, that causes great problems with the Republican’s conservative base. The friend of my enemy is my enemy.  It’s one obvious reason why McCain, despite (or more accurately because of) media valentines, couldn’t defeat George W. Bush in the 2000 primaries.

Trump voters cannot stand McCain’s personal crusade against Trump. The media desperately want Republicans to attack Trump as viciously as they do, but getting on the wrong side of Trump is a perilous place to be.

Senator Flake’s speech on the Senate floor announcing the inevitable – that running for re-election was fruitless – made him the toast of MSNBC. Joe Scarborough gushed “This was our ‘Mr. Smith Goes to Washington,’ where you had a senator saying on the floor that the President of the United States in his party was a threat to constitutional norms, societal norms, and our children.” Predictably, Chris Matthews also dragged out the Jimmy Stewart movie reference, comparing Flake’s speech to “a moment straight from a great novel or movie.”

When a Republican is the toast of MSNBC, he’s toast with conservatives.

Let’s stipulate that Mitch McConnell isn’t a media darling like the two Arizonans. It’s easy to recall how the journalists now wanting Trump impeached/indicted had a conniption when McConnell said out loud in 2010 that his first goal was to deny Obama re-election. They reacted like he’d slapped the Pope in the face while kicking Santa Claus in the groin. But to both right and left, McConnell represents Entrenched Washington, and right now, he embodies the disgust conservatives feel for having many of their policy aims sidelined and/or squashed.

Not every senator fits the formula. The fourth least popular senator is Robert Menendez, Democrat of New Jersey, now on trial for felony corruption charges. Of note: his rotten approval rating cannot be connected to national media coverage, since he is a Democrat. Forget accusations against Trump, or indictments against Manafort. We are talking here about a trial, where the defense has now rested. Network evening news coverage on ABC, CBS, NBC? Zero.

Corruption, in the eyes of our partisan media, is solely a Trump problem, just like colluding with Russia to manipulate the election, or hating facts you find inconvenient. When Republicans agreeably proclaim that only Trump is ruining Washington on all of these things, they are trapped in the liberal media mind-meld.

 

Clinton Assails Trump’s ‘Lack of Empathy’

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnFailed presidential candidate Hillary Clinton lambasted President Donald Trump for his “lack of empathy” following the New York City terror attack that killed eight people. “Calling the unfortunate man who was driven to make this attack an ‘animal’ and demanding he face the death penalty was so cruel and callous,” the former Secretary of State asserted. “Where was the sympathy for a man wrested from his native Uzbekistan and thrust into an America teeming with the unbelievers that his faith commands him to kill?”

She went on to contrast “Trump’s bloodthirsty desire for vengeance with the kindness and compassion shown by previous presidents. Bill had numerous opportunities to apprehend or take out Osama bin Laden, but restrained himself out of respect for Muslim cultural differences. Similarly, President Obama urged calm and forgiveness rather than violent retribution when our ambassador to Libya was accidentally killed.”

“I suppose we shouldn’t be surprised,” Clinton said. “I tried to warn voters that Trump’s efforts to draw sharp distinctions between friends vs. enemies, criminals vs. victims, bad guys vs. good guys was the kind of thinking that ignored our common humanity. Rather than try to understand why Muslims feel compelled to kill us or why criminals seek a redistribution of wealth, Trump just condemns behavior he doesn’t like and abuses the presidency to cram his backward, anti-progressive way of seeing things down our throats.”

In related news, the editors at the New York Times advised people not to be alarmed when they hear someone screaming Allahu Akbar, calling it “just an everyday phrase” and the violence that frequently ensues immediately afterward as “an easily misunderstood behavior. Those of us familiar with the Quran recognize that killing unbelievers is a sacred obligation for practitioners of Islam. It’s as important for Muslims as confession is for Catholics. Its blanket condemnation by President Trump is a dangerous sign of the impending tyranny his Administration would impose against constitutionally protected freedom of religion in our country.”

2016 Democratic Primaries Rigged

This week, an excerpt from former Democratic National Committee Chairwoman Donna Brazile’s forthcoming book asserted that the DNC conspired with Hillary Clinton to rig the Party’s primary system to cheat Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders out of the presidential nomination. Ironically, Brazile lost her gig at CNN when Wikileaks revealed that she abetted the cheating by giving Hillary Clinton an advance peak at debate questions.

Brazile expressed shock that in exchange for a $20 million cash payment, the DNC under her predecessor Rep. Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (Fla) sold controlling interest to Hillary Clinton. “I don’t know whether that was illegal, but it sure was unusual,” Brazile wrote. “Normally, control over the National Committee isn’t transferred to a candidate until after the nomination is secured at the convention.”

Clinton expressed surprise following the publication of Brazile’s contention, saying “from what I’ve heard, Donna hasn’t been well. Perhaps a brain tumor has addled her thinking. The $20 million was a straightforward purchase of controlling interest much like many of the purchases made by Trump on his way to becoming a billionaire. Why is it okay for him to buy a hotel, but not for me to buy a political party? Trying to make my purchase look illegitimate is yet another example of the sexism that wrecked my campaign’s chances.”

Rep. Luis Gutiérrez (D-Ill.) announced that Brazile’s evidence will be added to the impeachment case he is building against President Trump. “The dire threat that Mr. Trump’s candidacy posed to America drove the most highly esteemed candidate that ever sought the office to have to resort to irregular tactics,” Gutiérrez charged. “Corrupting her virtue in such a manner is the highest crime imaginable.”

In related news, in testimony before the Senate Intelligence Committee, Sean Edgett, Acting General Counsel for Twitter, Inc., admitted that “despite our efforts to stack the deck against him, Trump was able to effectively use Twitter to boost his campaign. We were able to suppress nearly 50 percent of the negative tweets about Clinton while allowing all the negative tweets about Trump to freely flow through our network. Clinton originated twice as many tweets as Trump did, but his tweets were re-tweeted twice as often. This type of clever and anarchic devolution of control from the company to its customers is a problem we are looking into.”

Sessions Recuses Himself Again

Attorney General Jeff Sessions told a small group of congressmen that he can’t open an investigation nor name a special prosecutor to look into the corruption surrounding 2010’s Uranium One deal because he has, once again, recused himself.

As Sessions explained, “any person involved in any investigation must have no prior knowledge of the parties likely to be under scrutiny. Well, I have prior knowledge of Mrs. Clinton, President Obama, Robert Mueller, and James Comey—each of whom has fingerprints all over that uranium thing. You see, it’s like a juror being discharged if he knows any of the participants in a trial. Frankly, I don’t see how anyone who’s paid any attention to the news over the past eight years wouldn’t have to recuse himself. That wouldn’t seem to leave anyone available to take up the case. I know it seems stupid, but that’s how our blind justice system is supposed to work.”

Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-Fla), one of the congressmen who witnessed Sessions recusing himself characterized the AG’s reasoning as “lame and confused. If every prosecutor took such a stance no person of notoriety could ever be brought to justice. Sessions’ passing of the buck to Rosenstein—a lesser known person who may also be implicated in the Uranium One scandal—is senseless and irresponsible.”

Candidate Discovers She’s Black

Noted Native-American fabulist Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) made an early bid to lock up the Black vote for a prospective 2020 presidential run by discovering that in addition to being part Cherokee she is also part Black.

“Just this last week I was told by a ninth cousin that our great-great-great grandmother was a slave who was serially raped by John Calhoun back in the 1850s and bore him more than a dozen children,” Warren told a Black audience earlier this week. “I am proud to say that I am one of the descendants of one of those children.”

The Senator alleged that “this bond of blood makes me especially qualified to represent those of us who have been oppressed because of the color of our skin. I wish that I would have known of my heritage earlier in my life. I could have opened some more doors for myself. But maybe the momentum from this later realization can open the door of the White House to this belatedly aware biracial woman.”

Warren pledged to “focus on the continuing mistreatment of my people we see in our public institutions. I will work to remove math from the public school curriculum. Studies have shown that Blacks fail this subject at far higher rates than their share of the school population. In this age of computers it is a skill no longer needed to live in modern America. Likewise, I will work to free the Black men who disproportionately fill our prisons. Not acting white shouldn’t be a crime. True diversity realizes the subjectivity of values and doesn’t impose a moral code that is unsuitable for subsets of our society.”

Rev. Al Sharpton, a member of the audience Warren was addressing professed himself to be “tepidly optimistic” about her candidacy. “While I like her program I am not persuaded she would be an authentic spokesperson for Black liberation. I’m thinking maybe Michelle Obama would be a better vehicle for our message, though I do have my reservations concerning her demand that all men be neutered.”

In related news, the mysterious appearance around the country of flyers saying “it’s okay to be white” has struck terror among assorted minorities. Principal Renay Johnson of Montgomery Blair High School in Silver Spring, Maryland, said “the appearance of these flyers at our school is the most frightening incident I could have imagined ever happening here. It directly contradicts what we are trying to teach our students. The perpetrators must be hunted down and punished to full extent of what the law allows.”

NYC Jihadi Pleased with Himself

New York City attack suspect Sayfullo Saipov professed himself “pleased with the outcome of my holy jihad against the unbelievers. I could have slain more if it hadn’t been for the interference of the bus and getting shot by the police, but eight is a respectable count. Luckily, one of those I killed was a Jew. I will get extra benefits in paradise for that. If every Muslim could slay as many unbelievers as I have all religions except for Islam would be erased from the Earth.”

John Miller, deputy New York police commissioner for intelligence, said “Saipov appears to have followed, almost exactly to a T, the instructions that Isis has put out.” This observation inspired Mayor Bill de Blasio to declare “today, I am a Muslim and I urge every resident of this great City to weigh the risks and rewards of not making the smarter and safer choice. Consider—Bible, Quran—these are just books with words that few people read. If you reject the Bible no priest or rabbi is likely to try to kill you. Meanwhile, you would be eliminating a Muslim’s incentive to kill you. Once we are all nominally Muslim the madness can cease.”

Shat al-Ott, Imam of the Paterson New Jersey radical mosque attended by Saipov, dismissed de Blasio’s recommendation, calling it “insincere. Islam is not a phony religion like Christianity. It requires full devotion, daily prayer, pilgrimages, and a willingness to fight for the spread of the faith. Anyone who is not willing to kill or risk being killed in this struggle is not a true Muslim and must be slain.”

In related news, Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) dismissed President Trump’s demand that we end the diversity visa lottery program that facilitated the terrorist’s entry, and that of 23 of his family members, into the United States as “absurd. The actions of Mr. Saipov demonstrate that the program is working like it’s supposed to work. What could be more diverse than killing a random bunch of people out of religious devotion? The chances of finding a ‘home-grown’ American who would do such a thing are exceedingly slim. If Trump’s effort toward excluding people of different faiths and customs is successful we would be isolated from world-wide trends that are reshaping what it means to live in modern times. Europe has adjusted to the new ‘normal.’ Do we really want to be left behind?”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

 

 

Salacious Smear of Trump Funded by Dems

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnAfter a year of trying to hype the Fusion GPS “dossier” on Donald Trump into alleged “proof” of his illicit collusion with Russia the Democrats have seen the escapade backfire big time. An expose in the Washington Post, of all places, disclosed that the Democratic National Committee paid up to $9 million for the political hit piece. Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, chair of the DNC at the time these payments were made, and Hillary Clinton, Democratic candidate for president at that time, both denied any knowledge of the payments.

Clinton pointed out that “we spent a billion dollars on the campaign. In that context, a $9 million payment to an obscure opposition research outfit was peanuts. Why would I be expected to have any knowledge of it?”

Well, there were a series of progressively desperate tweets from the candidate starting in August 2016 and periodically repeated up to October 31 querying the absence of media coverage of Trump’s supposed collusion with Russia to rig the election. Despite Hillary’s efforts, though, media outlets refused to publish any of the dossier’s content on the grounds that the charges couldn’t be independently verified.

Editors at the Los Angeles Times—one of the 99 percent of newspapers that endorsed Clinton for president—dismissed the question of who paid for the smear, saying that “who paid is not as pertinent as the seriousness of the charges made in the dossier.” As for the lack of corroboration of any of the “serious” charges, the Times editors asserted that “the leveling of even false allegations in a political campaign is protected freedom of speech. The media must bear a large share of the responsibility for its refusal to go public with the dossier’s details when it could have made a difference in the election’s outcome. A finicky aversion to publish allegations out of an overwrought fear that they might later be proven untrue may have saddled the nation with a man unfit to hold the office of president.”

Obama’s former Director of National Intelligence James Clapper attempted to rescue the situation by arguing that “the absence of evidence behind the dossier’s claims doesn’t preclude the possibility that they might be true. I mean, no one’s produced definitive evidence verifying the existence of ‘big foot,’ but that doesn’t prove the creature doesn’t exist. Our spying on Trump and his associates was never 24/7. They had unobserved moments where they could’ve done the things the dossier said they did. Until they come forward with a persuasive accounting for every minute of their time over the last few years I think we have to assume they’ve got something to hide.”

Former Clinton spokesperson and current CNN contributor Brian Fallon called the “latest kerfuffle over whether the dossier is factual is irrelevant. The more important thing about these types of campaign documents is ‘are they effective.’ If I had known about it before the election I would’ve shouted it to the rooftops. The campaign’s failure to do that exhibited a timidity unbecoming of someone who truly wants to wield political power. In my book, you use every weapon you have to win. After you win no one will dare question whether your tactics were dirty. And if they do, you’ll have numerous tools you can use to make them regret raising the issue.”

White House Press Secretary Sarah Sanders called the recent turn of events “ironic. The scheming of the Democrats reminds me of the whole Watergate affair. Rather than take their issues to voters as President Trump did, they put their energy into concocting a false narrative aimed at muddying up their opponent. Nixon paid ‘plumbers’ to spy on his 1972 election opponent. Even though he was heavily favored to win and did win, his underhanded tactics eventually brought him down. While Mrs. Clinton’s underhanded tactics didn’t win her the election, they may yet bring her down to a worse place than merely being an ‘also ran.’”

In related news, Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz). strove to minimize his role in hyping the dossier, reminding everyone that, “I had a brain tumor when I did that. Who knows what I was thinking or why I did what I did?”

UK Law Enforcement Shift Spurs Soaring Crime Rate

The shift of law-enforcement focus from “ordinary crimes” to “hate crimes” has coincided with a surge of 19 percent in violent crime, 22 percent in rapes, and, surprisingly, given the country’s strict gun-control laws, 27 percent in crimes committed by firearm-toting thugs. While budgetary concerns have had a role in the reduced arrest records (down 48 percent over the last nine years) the shift of emphasis toward cracking down on “hate crimes” is also a factor.

In London, arrests for “offensive comments” are up by 53 percent in the last year. A spokesman for the Metropolitan Police explained that “in our view, a hateful comment is a more serious matter than the run-of-the-mill crimes committed by ordinary criminals. Hateful comments spring from hateful thoughts. If we don’t take the initiative to suppress hateful thoughts they could lead to a wider social break down.”

A particular focus of the anti-hate crime effort has been “the noxious animus against people of Asian descent. The clash of cultures between white values and foreign values adds an ugly racist taint to the ways long-term residents perceive newer arrivals. The Mayor has emphasized that we must spare no effort in nipping this in the bud.”

While “nipping” hateful thought in the bud has shifted police from patrolling the streets to perusing Facebook and Twitter in search of hateful words, Muslim immigrants have played a significant part in the rise of ordinary crimes—attacking “unbelievers” and sexually assaulting “loose women” in emulation of the Prophet and as prescribed in their holy Quran.

In related news, Sweden issued an ultimatum demanding that “all European Union countries must take more refugees, or else.” Prime Minister Stefan Löfven contends that “xenophobia is a major threat to Europe” and that “the best way to combat this threat is to speed our transition to Islam. The sooner we all join the umma, the sooner the terrorism will stop. Surely it is better to simulate the required five daily prayers than to endure the constant risk of being killed for our resistance.”

Evidence Obama Administration Discriminated Against Conservatives

This week evidence of a comprehensive policy of illegal discrimination by the Obama Administration against conservatives emerged on two fronts.

First was the discovery of an internal IRS email outlining an intentional plan to obstruct Tea Party organizations from obtaining tax-exempt status for educational activities. An April 1, 2011 email from Elizabeth Kastenberg, an official in the agency’s exempt organizations division, confirmed that “these cases are held back primarily because of their political party affiliation rather than specifically any political activities.” The IRS also illegally colluded with the Federal Election Commission (FEC) to crack down on conservative nonprofits during the 2012 election cycle.

IRS Commissioner John Koskinen tried to brush off the email as “an obvious ‘April fool’ joke. Look at the date on the email. To say this is a ‘smoking gun’ is absurd.” Koskinen’s contention is rebutted by the demonstrated pattern of discrimination and harassment conservative groups faced from the IRS in the post-2011 period.

Second was a Department of Justice scheme to ensure that nearly a billion dollars in settlements from businesses sued by the Obama Administration would be donated exclusively to left-wing political organizations. Records obtained from the Obama era Office of the Assistant Attorney General (OAAG) and the Office of Legal Counsel (OLC) revealed a conscious intent to exclude conservative or non-partisan groups from receiving any of the settlement money.

With respect to the settlement scheme, current Attorney General Jeff Sessions characterized the scheme as “essentially, political extortion. Under the threat of prolonged and expensive litigation, the previous DOJ allowed targeted businesses to opt out by agreeing to accept a plea and pay a fine. The money obtained from those fines was used as a ‘slush fund’ to aid left-wing interest groups like National Council of La Raza, Urban League and National Community Reinvestment Coalition.” Sessions ordered an end to the policy, saying that “if real damages are incurred due to torts committed by any defendants payments should be paid to the injured parties not politically favored pressure groups.”

With respect to the IRS discrimination, it has be announced that Koskinen will be replaced by the Treasury Department”s assistant secretary for tax policy, David Kautter as acting commissioner of the Internal Revenue Service beginning November 12.

Obama Briefed on Uranium One Scandal

The confidential informant recently released from the non-disclosure agreement forced on him by the Obama Administration Department of Justice passed on evidence that Russian nuclear officials were engaged in bribery, kickbacks, extortion, and money laundering to his FBI superiors for inclusion in President Obama’s daily briefing. A $500,000 share of the bribes went into the pocket of former President Bill Clinton as a “speaking fee” and $145 million went to the Clinton Foundation in the form of “donations” from principals who profited from the sale of 20 percent of the U.S. uranium supply to a firm owned by the Russian government.

Obama professed to “have no recollection of the matter. As my successor can attest, these briefings are boring and repetitive. My mind may have wandered during the briefing where this uranium thing was mentioned. I was probably thinking about the NCAA basketball tournament and how my brackets were holding up.”

Rep. Louie Gomert (R-Tex) dismissed the ex-President’s lame excuse as “par for course. I’m more interested in the role the FBI superiors have played in this whole affair.

Mueller was the Director at that time. Rosenstein was a high-ranking official. It was Rosenstein who subsequently appointed Mueller as special counsel in charge of investigating supposed collusion between Trump and the Russians. The involvement of these men in what now has the appearance of a massive attempt to divert attention away from this earlier real collusion raises serious concerns of a cover-up to protect the guilty with a ploy to implicate the innocent.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

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