Operation Crossfire Hurricane Exposed

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

The Obama Administration’s Director of National Intelligence James Clapper called the CIA’s and FBI’s covert and illegal spying on the Trump campaign and administration “fully justified. With a threat as palpable as that posed by Trump we wouldn’t want the agencies set up to protect this country to idly sit by just because they don’t have enough evidence to persuade a judge to issue a warrant. Besides, too many individuals would be involved in the process of trying to obtain a warrant that we couldn’t guarantee the type of air-tight security necessary to achieve the best possible results. Leaks could’ve outed the spy and compromised the entire Crossfire Hurricane operation. James Bond doesn’t rely on warrants. That’s why he’s always successful at neutralizing threats.”

Clapper lamented the absence of any useful intelligence from the operation, saying that “Special Counsel Mueller’s job would’ve been a lot easier if we’d been able to find something, anything, that clearly implicated Trump engaging in collusion with the Russians. But just because this operation was a ‘dry hole’ doesn’t mean it served no useful purpose. FBI agents were able to plant information on a few peripheral players in the Trump campaign that was ultimately used to get a warrant to monitor phone and email communications that may yet prove instrumental in the effort to unseat Trump.”

The former DNI Director brushed aside the issue of bias. “In hindsight it might have made for better optics if we had also placed spies within the Clinton campaign,” he admitted. “The emergence of evidence that her campaign funded the Russian dossier written by Christopher Steele makes it look like we played favorites. In our own defense, though, Clinton was considered trustworthy. Comey publicly declined to press charges for her email abuses and everyone was confident she would win. So we felt why waste effort just for show?”

“We must not allow the failure of this one covert operation to poison the reputation of the FBI specifically or the 17 different federal intelligence agencies that are working tirelessly to protect this country from hostile entities,” Clapper warned. “Elections are always a gamble. There’s no guarantee that the person who should win will win—as we saw in 2016. We want the American people to know that we’ve got their back—that we’re willing to do what it takes to ensure the correct election outcome and, if that fails, to continue the fight to remedy any mistakes made at the ballot box regardless of how long or hard that might turn out to be.”

Dems Defend MS-13 Against Trump Slander

This week President Trump again described members of the heinous immigrant gang MS-13 as “animals.” His remarks came in response to a complaint that California law forbids local law enforcement officers from notifying ICE that MS-13 gang members are in custody in county jails—resulting in their release back into the community instead of their deportation. Two high-ranking Democrats assailed Trump’s remarks.

Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer characterized the President’s words as “a slander against the kind of people who make our country great. Let’s not forget that we are a nation of immigrants. If it weren’t for the daring and arduous journeys undertaken by our parents, grandparents, and great grandparents this land would still be in the hands of tribes of savages. America is the land of opportunity—a beacon of hope to the world. We must not let racial prejudice block entrepreneurial groups like MS-13 from seizing their opportunity to better their lives.”

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi characterized the President’s comments as “disrespectful. Every person is a child of God having a soul and a spark of divinity. It is not for us to judge them as Trump has done. As I understand it, almost all of the members of MS-13 are immigrants who came here as children escaping from horrible poverty and violence in the lands of their birth. For Trump to insist that we deport them back to those awful places is inhumane. They would have to rob and kill more people in poorer countries to achieve the same gains they can get from a lesser scope of depredation in America where each victim is likely to be far richer than victims in Guatemala, Honduras, or El Salvador. On pure headcount alone, Trump’s policies would guarantee more bloodshed.”

In related news, Cecile Richards, former President of Planned Parenthood, also denounced Trump calling MS-13 gang members “animals. These young men are people. According to American values they are entitled to life, liberty and pursuit of happiness. To grab them off the street and deport them simply because they are in this country illegally or have engaged in criminal activity is morally wrong.”

Seattle Levies Head Tax on Jobs

In a bid to discourage what it alleges is “wage slavery,” the Seattle City Council voted to levy an annual tax of $275 on each person employed in the City by companies grossing $20 million or more. The originally proposed tax rate of $500 was reduced after Mayor Jenny Durkan threatened a veto.

Council member Kshama Sawant says he is disappointed the tax isn’t higher. “Man’s preferred state is leisure,” he said. “Forcing people to give up their leisure in order to obtain the means needed to survive is a crime against humanity. The $500 levy was an opening bid in our long term battle to free the victims of this deplorable practice.”

The receipts from this new tax are earmarked for programs to aid the city’s growing population of homeless persons—a cohort that Sawant contends “is the vanguard of a future where the ideal of a life of leisure is appreciated. The funds will enable us to alleviate the poverty that currently plagues these social pioneers. Instead of condemning them to live in the streets scrounging for food in dumpsters or begging for money from strangers we’ll take the money from taxpayers and free them from this drudgery.”

The move inverts the more typical city strategy of offering businesses tax breaks for bringing jobs into the community, a practice which Sawant denounced as “capitalist exploitation. People don’t really want jobs. They want money. If we tax the wealthy corporations in order to break the link between work and reward we can move society to a higher level of consciousness and get closer to the communist ideal envisioned by Marx.”

Meanwhile, the Chicago Fed has proposed levying a statewide property tax hike of 1% of actual value to cover the unfunded pensions of state and local government retirees. For the median valued home in Chicago this would amount to $2,260 in additional annual property taxes and more than $67,000 over the 30 years the tax is expected to be imposed. Rick Matoon, one of the authors of the proposal, characterized it as “necessary if we are to ensure that former public servants have a comfortable retirement.” The typical yearly benefit paid to retired 30-year government employees in Illinois is over $70,000. The median household income in the state is about $61,000 a year. So, “necessary” might not be the most accurate description of the proposed wealth transfer.

Campaign Slogan May Not Be a Winner

Democrat Abdul al-Sayed, Michigan’s first-ever Muslim candidate for governor, may face an uphill struggle in in this year’s election. Political analysts suspect that his campaign slogan: “You may not hate Muslims, but Muslims definitely hate you!” may be too negative to win a majority of votes.

“Granted, Michigan has the highest percentage of Muslim voters in the country,” said Democratic Party pollster Vern Spielman, “but even if they go 100% for Sayed I don’t think that overcomes the odds that the 97% of voters who are not Muslims will vote for someone less hostile toward them.”

Sayed called objections to his slogan “a violation of my constitutional right to the free exercise of my religion. Islam calls on believers to fight for Allah and spread the joys of submission to the whole world. We aren’t cowardly Christians whose god bids them to turn the other cheek. We gladly smite that cheek and demand that unbelievers convert or acquiesce in their subservient role under Islam lest we be compelled to slay them.”

“There’s no doubt that Sayed is passionate and honest about his views and policies,” Spielman acknowledged. “But these virtues are best kept hidden until after one is elected. The non-Muslims who will be paying Sayed’s proposed jizya tax shouldn’t be warned in advance if he wants to get their votes.”

The candidate disagreed with Spielman’s advice and pointed out that “when I’m governor each person who converts to Islam will get a 100% tax reduction. No other candidate has made such a generous offer of tax relief. I am confident that the personal monetary benefits for converts under my program will propel me to victory when the ballots are cast and counted.”

Meanwhile in Minnesota, an investigation has revealed that Somalian refugees are scamming the state’s generous welfare benefits and sending suitcases full of cash back home. In the past year an estimated $100 million has made this journey. Government welfare bureaucrats say “our hands are tied. The law entitles refugees to claim benefits and we have no control over how this money is spent after we give it to them. In fact, it could be said that the investigation exposing the transfer of this money out of the country is an invasion of the recipients’ privacy and unnecessarily upsetting to taxpayers who previously were blissfully ignorant of the whole scheme.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.


Donations to Inaugural Called “Suspicious” by Mueller

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Special Counsel Robert Mueller is now probing what he called “a suspicious pattern of donations flowing in to fund President Trump’s inaugural celebration. Donors from Russia, Saudi Arabia, the United Arab Emirates and Qatar raises serious ‘red flags’ from our point of view. Under normal circumstances this is money that would more typically find its way to the Clinton Foundation or Obama for America.”

“What we need to know is why these formerly reliable donors to elements of the Democratic Party and its affiliates would suddenly switch to sharing the cost of the inauguration of a Republican president,” Mueller said. “Was there some sort of covert agreement for granting access or favors? At the very least it fails to pass the FBI’s ‘smell test.’”

“On top of this, there is negative impact of diverting funds that are needed to support Democratic causes,” Mueller added. “With less coming in from these traditional sources there will be less money to support the extensive workforce of the progressive side of our political system. Combined with their lessened access to public monies than when President Obama controlled who got federal aid, the very viability of these organizations is imperiled. Clearly we have a prima facie case of political bias and malevolence on the part of the Trump Administration. We don’t yet know if this will be the ‘smoking gun’ that brings down the most unqualified man to hold the presidency, but we’re duty-bound to follow this trail to wherever it leads.”

Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif) urged Mueller “to sniff out this ‘highway robbery’ of money that rightfully belongs to Democrats like the ‘bulldog’ his career record says he is. He’s got Trump on the run and I can’t wait to see him sink his teeth into his pasty white flesh. It will give Trump a taste of what slaves had to endure when they tried to escape from the plantation.”

In a related case of diverting money from progressives to their right-wing oppressors, the Washington Post slammed FOX News’ Sean Hannity for evicting tenants who fail to pay rent. “Mr. Hannity is a millionaire several times over,” the Post observed. “His need for the rent isn’t as great as his tenants need for a roof over their heads. His insistence on being paid illustrates the inherent cruelty of the private property system he exploits. Thankfully, many leading Democrats are coming around to the idea that the government should control all economic resources so this kind of social injustice can be averted in the future.”

FBI “Mole” Inside Trump Campaign Justified

With Congress on the verge of holding the US Department of Justice and the FBI in contempt for repeated refusals to provide unredacted documents related to the Agency’s efforts to spy on the Republican presidential campaign and Administration, Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein ardently defended the action.

“Unredacting these documents would permit members of Congress to discover the methods and the identities of Agency personnel and outside parties who participated in this vital operation,” Rosenstein alleged. “This would have a ‘chilling’ effect on future operations of a similar nature and, as such, would pose a severe limitation on our power to protect this country from being taken over by hostile forces.”

“Since the executive branch is currently controlled by what most experienced government personnel regard as a hostile force, it essential that the information requested by Congress remain secret,” the Deputy asserted. “Let me remind everyone that the danger to our government is so severe that a Special Counsel was expressly appointed by me as a last gasp effort to undo the error made by voters in 2016. It would make no sense for me to uncloak the documents requested by Congress just when the Special Counsel is closing in on the usurper-in-chief. I am only carrying out the responsibilities handed to me by Attorney General Sessions when he so judiciously recused himself from the investigation more than a year ago.”

In related news, former FBI Director James Comey claims that he is immune from prosecution for lying under oath to Congress because “Special Prosecutor Mueller granted me immunity. The lies I told were part of a ‘sting’ operation and, as such, are protected under normal FBI protocols. I know some members of Congress are all huffy about it, but a higher loyalty required it and I would do it again to protect the Agency and America.”

Leading Dems Take Aim at Right-to-Work Laws

Aiming to bolster their credentials among the leftist lunatics that now control the Democratic Party, projected 2020 presidential candidates Sens. Bernie Sanders (Vt), Kirsten Gillibrand (NY), Elizabeth Warren (Mass) and Cory Booker (NJ) have jointly drafted legislation that would prohibit states from enacting right-to-work laws.

“Allowing states to pass so-called right-to-work laws tramples the right of unions to fulfill their role as representatives of the working class,” Sanders maintained. “This stifles their ability to lead workers toward the overthrow of the capitalist system as Marx predicted in the Communist Manifesto and as the Russian Revolution of 1917 proved could be done. The 1947 Taft-Hartley Act granting states the option to decide for themselves whether to allow workers to hold jobs without being compelled to join a union dramatically interfered with America’s progress toward Marx’s vision of a worker’s paradise. Our Bill—the Workplace Democracy Act—will put this country back on the track of ensuring social justice for the proletariat.”

A key provision of the Bill is the elimination of votes by employees on whether they want union representation. Booker explained that “these elections merely grant employers an unwarranted opportunity to campaign against unionization. The question is whether the workers want to be unionized. In place of elections, union organizers will be free to persuade employees to sign a petition in favor of unionization without fear of contradiction by management’s self-serving propaganda.”

Warren touted the Bill’s repeal of rules that bar unions from using compulsory dues to back political candidates, saying that “this infringement on unions’ freedom of speech has hampered them from attaining the kind of political power needed to truly reform our system of government. The current rules restricting the use of these dues to support collective bargaining with the employer for higher wages and better working conditions basically neuters unions as advocates and agitators for social revolution and social justice. Dissenters from the union’s political goals should not be permitted to withhold their dues from these progressive activities.”

While the potential Democratic presidential candidates are promising to give unions more power over employees, aspiring House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) is promising to repeal the tax cut passed by Congress in December. “We’re particularly concerned that the Trump tax cut only benefits those who work or invest,” she complained. “It provides nothing for those dependent on government for their daily bread. Even worse, with taxpayers paying less the government’s ability to pay for this bread is endangered. That’s one of the reasons why we’re seeing record low unemployment rates. More people are being forced into the workplace just to support themselves. This is devastating our economy and destroying a traditional way of life for millions of Americans and immigrants.”

Meanwhile, the California State Assembly is currently debating whether to drop Presidents’ Day as a state holiday and replace it with International Socialist Workers Day.

Euroweenies Complain About Trump’s Iran Deal Pullout

German Chancellor Angela Merkel and French President Emmanuel Macron decried President Trump’s decision to cancel the United States’ participation in the Iran deal negotiated by former Secretary of State John Kerry during the Obama Administration.

“For more than 70 years we’ve counted on the United States to protect us from hostile powers,” Merkel said. “President Obama gave us his word that the US would protect us from Iran. Now Trump has ripped up the piece of paper that ensured Iran won’t develop nuclear weapons until it suits them. All the money the US paid Iran to get this agreement is now down the drain.”

Macron says he sees “a parallel with FDR’s refusal to participate in the Munich accord with Germany in 1938. If Hitler had known that America was part of a solid front he never would’ve dared start World War II. Now that the solid front we had facing Iran is gone I shudder to think of the horrors to come.”

Macron also derided Trump’s expectation that Europe should provide for its own defense “as unrealistic. Unlike Americans, we are not violent by nature. We couldn’t defend ourselves in 1940. And that was before we became accustomed to the security provided by American troops on our continent and American nuclear missiles aimed at the Soviet Union.”

The two leaders are reportedly exploring a possible accommodation with Iran. “I think if we can work out a deal that preserves a Frenchman’s right to drink wine and a German’s right to drink beer we can grow beards and pray five times a day,” Macron speculated. “At least the praying will give our citizens more time off from working while we kneel and bow our heads to Allah.”

Merkel suggested that “our substantial and growing refugee population may also serve as a sort of human shield against attack. I can’t really believe that Iran would be willing to kill so many fellow Muslims just to have a shot at killing more Europeans. That may be our ultimate trump card.”

In related news, Sen. Charles Schumer (D-NY) bemoaned the recent release of three Americans held hostage by North Korea. “Having American hostages was a key bargaining chip for Kim Jong-un,” Schumer lamented. “Surrendering these chips without compensation gives aid and comfort to our country’s most dangerous enemy—Donald Trump. I can’t believe that Kim would betray the progressive cause so casually. I think it’s a mistake that could have massive repercussions down the road.”

McCain’s Proudest Accomplishments

Nearing the end of his life, Sen. John McCain wants Americans to know that he deems his proudest accomplishment was “my loss to Barrack Obama in the 2008 election. At the time I didn’t appreciate it, but in hindsight my role stands out as a key turning point in US history.”

“Had I won that election it would’ve been an unremarkable repeat of something that had already happened several times in previous presidential elections—a white war hero wins,” the Senator observed. “But by bungling my campaign—suspending it in late September so I could focus on the economic crisis and muzzling my charismatic running mate—I effectively handed the job to a man who will go down as the greatest person to ever hold the office.”

“My second proudest moment was when I cast the decisive vote in preventing the Senate from repealing Obamacare,” he added. “My hope is that preserving government’s role in mandating the type and quantity of medical insurance everyone must buy we keep the country on the road toward the kind of comprehensive system only available to veterans in this country and in the more enlightened European countries—like the enveloping and tireless care the United Kingdom’s National Health Service provided Alfie Evans right up to the day he died.”

In related news, The View co-host Whoopi Goldberg contends that “I don’t think anybody in their right mind can point to anything that Trump supposedly has done to benefit African-Americans. To say that he has is what I call ‘The Big Lie.’” Goldberg brushed off statistics indicating that Black unemployment hit a record low last month, saying “Blacks had full employment during slavery. Making Black folks work is a step backward. Now, if Trump had put more white people to work to pay reparations to Black folks like Obama did, then we could respect him.”

CNN to Limit Live Coverage of Trump in 2020

In the event that President Trump runs for reelection in 2020, CNN has vowed to severely limit any live coverage. CNN anchor Don Lemon explained that “the Network feels that our viewers need to be protected from prolonged and unfiltered exposure to Trump’s lies and insults. We recognized that the type of coverage we gave him during 2016 allowed him unfettered access to suggestible voters and may have made the margin of difference needed for him to win over Secretary Clinton.”

“By using taped and delayed excerpts instead of live coverage we feel more confident that we can better project the image that Trump is a racist and fascist,” Lemon said. “The abbreviated snippets of Trump’s words we air followed by lengthy analyses by our CNN panel of experts will portray him as he truly is far better than listening to his disjointed ramblings. This is what the American people demand and need.”

In related news, the editors of New York magazine announced that it will no longer be publishing any articles with a conservative viewpoint. “Socialism is the only legitimate ideology,” they wrote. “It makes no sense to try to deny it and foist off the discredited views of the right as somehow entitled to play a role in shaping the nation’s future.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

FBI Claims Powers to Conduct Secret Investigations, Lie & Intimidate

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

This week in the case against former Trump associate Paul Manafort, Special Counsel Robert Mueller argued that U.S. District Judge T.S. Ellis’s complaint that he was lied to “evinces a stunning ignorance of FBI procedures. Previous court decisions have clearly established that we have the right to lie if that is what’s necessary to trap a guilty party.”

Mueller also defended pressuring witnesses and suspects. “We have immense resources at our disposal compared to the more limited means of those we are targeting,” Mueller pointed out. “Even if we have no evidence or any chance of convicting someone of any crime, the Agency has often found that persistent and seemingly endless harassment can yield compliance with our wishes. We want Manafort to testify against Trump. Threatening him with secret evidence and expensive legal procedures is an invaluable weapon in our crusade against the most unfit person to ever hold the presidency.”

Judge Ellis, though, wasn’t buying Mueller’s argument and demanded to “see the document authorizing your investigation. The charges alleged against Manafort predate his role in Trump’s campaign by a decade. It strikes me as improbable that his prosecution fits within the scope of your mandate. Neither the American people nor the US Constitution abides the kind of unfettered power the Special Counsel seems to be claiming for himself.” Ellis gave Mueller two weeks to produce an unredacted copy of the letter from DOJ Deputy Director Rod Rosenstein that authorized Mueller’s investigation.

Meanwhile, Rosenstein is having his own confrontation with the House Intelligence Committee’s demands to see unredacted copies of his instructions to Mueller, which he labeled “attempted obstruction of our investigation. Special Counsel Mueller must remain unfettered by any outside interference with his probe into the sketchy behaviors of Trump and his henchmen.”

Rep. Mark Meadows (R-NC) labeled Rosenstein’s defiance “an impeachable offense. Congress is held responsible for oversight of government operations and activities. To exercise this oversight we must have information. The desire of Mr. Rosenstein to keep certain matters secret doesn’t override the congressional obligation to oversee the FBI’s actions. His insistence that he is entitled to ‘unfettered powers’ is a gross overreach of his authority. In his mind he may think that the ends he seeks justify whatever means he deems are necessary, but that is not what our form of government authorizes.”

In related news, former FBI Deputy Director Andrew McCabe’s allegation that “higher ups” pressured him to drop the FBI’s investigation of the Clinton Foundation during the 2016 election campaign spurred House Judiciary Committee Chairman Bob Goodlatte (R-Va) to write a letter to Attorney General Jeff Sessions requesting that the DOJ open an investigation into this allegation. “The findings of the Inspector General’s report, then-FBI Director James Comey’s premature exoneration of Secretary Clinton for her illegal abuse of the email system, and the FBI’s use of a Democrat-funded opposition-research ‘dossier’ to dupe the FISA Court into allowing it to spy on the Republican campaign—establish a pattern of illegal interference in the 2016 presidential election,” Goodlatte wrote. “We cannot ignore these crimes if we want to preserve a system of government where the people freely choose who will govern on their behalf.”

Schumer Opposes “Taxpayers Right to Know Act”

The “Taxpayers Right to Know Act” has been passed several times by the US House of Representatives, but has been unable to get to a vote in the Senate due to the 60-vote requirement to end filibusters against it. The Bill would require federal agencies to report on how much programs cost and how effective they have been.

While the Bill, sponsored by Sens. James Lankford (R-Okla) and Claire McCaskill, (D-Mo), has bipartisan support, Sen. Charles Schumer (D-NY) vowed to block the legislation calling it “unfeasible and unfair. Look, our government has grown too big to be accurately measured in any way. Expenditures in the billions and trillions are beyond the capacity of voters to absorb. Whether they have been effective or not is a judgment call best left to the hardworking government employees who manage these programs.”

Schumer expressed his “fear that this information could be used to cancel programs people have become dependent upon. Just because the costs seem inordinately high or the results extraordinarily meager doesn’t mean that real people wouldn’t be hurt by the elimination, reduction, or reform of programs whose metrics indicate a bad return on our investment.”

“And let’s not forget that even a wasteful program still employs thousands of government employs to administer it,” the Senator reminded. “Shifting funds elsewhere or giving taxpayers back more of their money would have traumatic impacts on these employees. Is it humane or ethical for us to consider inflicting these punishments just to save a little money? I think the kind of information this legislation would put into the hands of voters could ignite consequences I, for one, shudder to contemplate.”

Dems Propose Socialism as Cure for US Prosperity

While Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-Vt) was first out of the gate for the 2020 presidential election with a proposal to give everyone who wants or needs a job a $15 per hour spot on a federal government payroll, other hopefuls are signing on to the idea. A poll indicating that 46% of potential voters like the idea has inspired imitators.

Sens. Corey Booker (D-NJ) and Kirsten Gillibrand (D-NY) eagerly endorsed the idea. “I think it’s a good start on the road to an economy where everyone basically works for the government,” Booker said. “Then we could ensure that everyone gets what they deserve and resources are allocated by collective decision making.” “It would be a refreshing change from the materialistic greed fostered by private enterprise,” Gillibrand predicted. “Count me in.”

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, citing the Democrats’ enthusiasm for socialism as yet another reason why she lost to Trump, made plans to get to the left of her rivals on this issue. “It’s all very well to promise that people will get jobs if they want them, but what about those who need, but don’t want jobs?” she wondered. “The collective well being of society mandates that every person assume a role that best assists the welfare of the whole. I think we should consider work gangs for critical infrastructure projects, collective farms for our Latino immigrants, and labor camps for those who require ideological reeducation. Let’s not forget that an industrially backward Russia was built into a superpower using these types of aggressive motivational tools.”

Sanders countered critics’ estimates that his plan would cost at least $500 billion per year assuming that only those currently without jobs signed up for his program. “The $15 per hour plus health benefits is just a ballpark figure,” he insisted. “Payments could also be made in-kind. We could provide dormitories as housing. Meals could be served in cafeterias. All medical care could be provided by government doctors. I saw such things work on my many vacations to the Soviet Union before counterrevolutionaries tore down that great human experiment.”

In related news, the great human experiment of public education in the United States hasn’t been faring well of late. According to the National Assessment of Educational Progress test results released by the U.S. Department of Education, 65% of eighth graders are not proficient in reading and 67% are not proficient in math. Lily Eskelsen García, president of the National Education Association, rejected the findings, calling them “irrelevant for the world in which our students will grow up to live in. All the information people need can be provided to them via TV, videos, and cell phones. The arcane skills of reading and calculating are no longer needed to live a full life. To continue to expect children to master them is just as senseless as expecting them to know how to ride horses or harvest crops. The important thing is to ensure that public school budgets are robust and that teachers get regular raises.”

Dick’s Lobbies for Gun Control

Unsatisfied that its own decision to stop selling rifles to those younger than 21 years of age sufficiently addresses the company’s concerns about gun safety, Dick’s Sporting Goods has hired Glover Park Group, a DC-based government affairs firm, to lobby Congress for more gun control laws.

CEO Edward Stack complained that “it’s unfair that our firm has to totally bear the brunt of lessened sales of these weapons. As it stands now, our heroic and unselfish refusal to sell rifles to people who shouldn’t be allowed to have them merely sends people to our competitors to buy them. This hurts our profits while augmenting the profits of our irresponsible rivals. This is egregiously unfair.”

“When the government wanted to curb alcoholism it didn’t rely on businesses to voluntarily refrain from selling liquor,” Stack pointed out. “It outlawed sales by all businesses. All we are seeking here is a similar leveling of the playing field. If Congress were to ban every store and individual from selling these dangerous weapons it would not only have a better chance of reducing gun violence, it would also treat responsible businesses more fairly.”

Maxine Raps Kanye

Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif) called rapper Kanye West’s recent favorable comments about President Trump “deeply disturbing. Polls already show that Trump’s popularity with Black males has doubled over the last week. This is destabilizing the Black community and causing many to doubt the roles assigned to them by the Democratic Party.”

“By breaking ranks with Black leaders, Kanye is venturing into territory he shouldn’t,” the Congresswoman asserted. “He has no expertise in politics. If he wants to speak on the topic he should clear what he wants to say with those of us who do have expertise. We will give him the assistance he needs to help him formulate his thoughts so he can stay safe and healthy.”

Waters isn’t the only one upset by Kanye’s attempt to leave the plantation without permission. Fellow rapper Daz Dillinger called for the Los Angeles Crips—a criminal organization engaged in racketeering, extortion, robbery and murder—to “F*** Kanye up.” Detroit hip-hop station 105.1, “The Bounce,” has announced a boycott of Kanye’s music “until he gets his head straight.”

In related news, Waters urged Trump to resign “so I don’t have to keep fighting for his impeachment. For him to continue to impose this burden on me is racist.” Despite her tiresome efforts to goad her legislative colleagues into impeaching President Trump, the Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington has named Waters “one of the nation’s most corrupt members of Congress.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

NHS Insists Alfie Must Die

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

The saga of ailing toddler Alfie Evans has thoroughly discredited the United Kingdom’s National Health Service. According to the NHS, Alfie’s death “would be best for all concerned.” His parents’ efforts to prevent this outcome with the assistance of humanitarians outside of the NHS have been thwarted with the connivance of the UK’s courts.

It’s not a question of the parents insisting that the NHS provide care that the NHS considers inappropriate and futile. The parents haven’t asked for anything more than to take their son out of the Alder Hey Hospital and take advantage of Bambino Gesu Hospital’s offer to treat the boy at no expense to the NHS. Nonetheless, the hospital has gone to court and received a judgment that awards it custody of the child. Pursuant to this judgment, the hospital pulled the plug on Alfie. The expected demise of the lad failed to transpire.

One would think that now little Alfie could be allowed to leave the hospital with his parents. “Not so fast,” says Justice Anthony Hayden. “A lot of people protesting what we are doing are confused. If we release Alfie to his parents we lose control over the ‘end of life’ procedure that all the NHS doctors assure me is the only appropriate course. The issue is bigger than the life of one boy. Our society has decided to grant the NHS complete authority over all health-related matters. The NHS has ruled that it is in Alfie’s best interest to die. As long as the boy remains in their hands we can be certain that this outcome will be achieved. Letting him loose endangers this outcome.”

“Opponents of the NHS put sympathy for this one child ahead of the collective interests of society,” Hayden explained. “Let’s suppose that we did let the parents take charge. What’s the risk? Well, if by some miracle Alfie were to survive outside the NHS system citizens’ faith in the NHS could be negatively impacted. Pressures could arise for others to try to opt out of the NHS. This is the path toward anarchic individualism—a social philosophy that UK voters have soundly rejected in numerous elections. Avoidance of such a catastrophe is paramount. If the price of avoiding the chaos this would bring is the death of one boy and the suffering of his parents I’d say it is worth paying. I’m confident that my more insightful countrymen will come to the same conclusion.”

Meanwhile, Merseyside Police Chief Inspector Chris Gibson has announced that “we are monitoring social media and will prosecute any malicious communications that besmirch the doctors, hospital, or courts for the decisions made in the Alfie Evans matter. Their decisions are final. No useful social purpose can be served by needlessly criticizing something that cannot be changed. Loyal British subjects need to know their place and to respect and obey their betters.”

Planned Parenthood Sues to Stop Onerous Regulations

On behalf of Planned Parenthood of Indiana and Kentucky, the ACLU has filed a lawsuit contesting these states imposition of unwanted regulations. ACLU spokesperson Bertram Petty described these states’ oversight as “onerous, intrusive, and crippling. It is a blatant attempt to drive Planned Parenthood out of the medical marketplace.”

The onerous regulations include requirements that “facilities must meet minimum sanitation standards. The staff must be qualified to perform the procedures used, including how to handle emergency equipment. Patients must be monitored after anesthesia. Follow-up care for complications and infection control must be in place. Informed consent must be obtained and documented.” To enforce these regulations, “clinics are required to undergo an annual safety inspection by the Department of Health.”

Petty objected that “making continued state funding contingent on meeting arbitrary and meddlesome bureaucratic make-work rules violates civilized norms. In 1973 the US Supreme Court granted women the right to abort their unwanted offspring. States have no authority to interfere with this right. That they would do so under the pretense of protecting public health is reprehensible.”

Dems Insist Social Media Not Mistreating Conservatives

Despite the appearance of numerous witnesses and statistics indicating that FaceBook, Google, and Twitter use algorithms that have diverted traffic away from conservative voices, Democrats at the House Judiciary Committee hearing examining the “Filtering Practices of Social Media Platforms” asserted that it’s a “hoax” and that “it is a legitimate business practice to prevent unauthorized use of the media for politically unacceptable purposes.”

Rep. Jerrold Nadler (D-NY) argued that “hiding the posts and texts of persons expressing incorrect views is not censorship. The posts are still in the system. Conservatives have not been blocked from having their say. For Republicans to raise this non-issue is a hoax to distract from the very real crimes committed by Donald Trump—first to collude with Russia to seize power from the eminently more qualified Democratic candidate and second, his refusal to resign after his nefarious scheme was exposed by the heroic actions of FBI Director James Comey, Deputy Director Andrew McCabe, and now special counsel Robert Mueller.”

Rep. Ted Lieu (D-Calif) called the Republican complaints “stupid and ridiculous. The First Amendment guarantees these media outlets the right to censor the content as they see fit. The government has no legitimate cause to pry into why or how they do this. In fact, even publicly raising the issue, as is being done in this hearing, is an attempt at intimidation. Exposing this completely legal censorship to open scrutiny could reduce traffic on these sites and cut into their profits. That is an abuse that should not be tolerated.”

Rep. Hank Johnson (D-GA) mocked witnesses “Diamond” and “Silk,” two pro-Trump posters, for “your gall in saying you’ve been treated unfair. Before social media existed no one ever would have heard of you two nobodies. Now, just because FaceBook tried to limit your abuse of their platform you’ve got a beef? You say that Black Lives Matter gets a better deal. Well, maybe they have a message that needs to be heard. Trump’s a billionaire, why don’t you get him to pay you to push his agenda?”

Rep. Marsha Blackburn (R-Tenn), herself a victim of Twitter blocking her pro-life campaign tweet last year, challenged the notion that “censorship of one side of political debates is okay. These businesses advertise themselves as a way for all people to communicate. For them to subsequently, and often covertly, impede access for views the corporate honchos dislike is a deceptive business practice. The hypocrisy of my Democratic colleagues who have no qualms about having the government forcibly take money from taxpayers in order to fund abortions they oppose for moral and religious reasons as a defense of these deceptive businesses is stunning.”

In related news, Breitbart News reporter Warner Todd Huston had his Twitter account suspended after he tweeted his opinion that transgender people suffer from mental illness. Jack Dorsey, co-founder and CEO of Twitter, explained “not all opinions are worthy of being heard. As the inventor and owner of Twitter it is my prerogative to decide which opinions will be permitted on my platform. If people like Mr. Huston think they can defy me with impunity they are the ones suffering from mental illness.”

Mayor Blames Street Violence on Businesses

Baltimore Mayor Catherine Pugh blamed the City’s surging murder rate on local businesses. “First of all, most of this City’s retail businesses are open too late,” she lamented. “Keeping your doors open after dark is asking for trouble. This is a time when people should be at home with their families and not be forced to go out to buy things.”

“Second, their prices are too high,” she continued. “If merchandise didn’t cost so much people wouldn’t be forced to commit crimes just to be able to afford groceries and liquor. It shouldn’t surprise us that people would use the cover of darkness to rob the businesses or kill customers who come out late to shop.”

“In an ideal world all property would be collectively produced and owned,” the Pugh envisioned. “Then there would be such a surplus of goods and services that stealing would no longer be necessary to survive. Most people wouldn’t have to work and could pick up whatever they needed from government distribution centers during daylight hours.”

The mayor regretted that “I don’t have an answer yet on how we get from here to that ideal world. I did hear that California is experimenting with the decriminalization of theft. Maybe if just taking whatever you want from whoever has it is legal then there would be a fairer distribution and less fighting over it.”

In related news, Marquette University Professor Jodi Melamed delivered a lecture at St. Olaf College where she argued that individual liberties are the cause of social violence. “The only ethically sound social system is communism,” she contended. “Under communism all property belongs to the collective and everyone is free to meet their needs by drawing on this communal wealth. It is the resistance of those under the delusion that they are individuals that leads to trouble when they selfishly hoard more than they need. Naturally, those seeking a more equitable distribution are forced to wrest the hoarded wealth from their oppressors. If blood has to be shed for them to get what they deserve it is not their fault.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

McCabe Sues Trump for ‘Wrongful Termination’

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Fired for “lack of candor,” former deputy FBI Director Andrew McCabe is set to sue the Trump administration for “wrongful termination.” Michael Bromwich, McCabe’s lawyer, cited former FBI Director James Comey’s book—A Hired Loyalty—as confirmation that “my client getting fired for lying contradicts the Agency’s ethical standards so clearly laid out by Mr. Comey.”

In his book and interviews since its publication, Comey has admitted “lying when circumstances require it. Everyone in the DOJ has lied when necessary to nail a criminal for which we lacked the evidence to prosecute or to protect confidential sources. Take current Special Counsel Bob Mueller, for example. There was a time in his career when he found it necessary to convict four innocent men to prevent informant Whitey Bulger’s identity from being outed. That was a strategically designed sacrifice in the pursuit of a higher justice. It didn’t make Mueller a bad person. Likewise, the lies I have told in my efforts to try to block a man who is morally unfit to be this nation’s president don’t make me a bad person.”

“Mr. Trump’s characterization of my client as a ‘leaker’ and a ‘liar’ are defamatory,” Bromwich argued. “It is a blatant attempt to use instances of normal FBI procedures to smear Mr. McCabe’s reputation and, thereby, deny him the millions of dollars in pension benefits to which his years of service entitle him.”

McCabe himself laughed off Inspector General Horowitz’s criminal referral, saying “FBI deputies don’t go to jail. We send other people to jail. This is how it’s always been since the days of J. Edgar and will continue to be for as long as the Agency exists.” Well, maybe not. Former FBI agent Terry Albury is headed to prison for leaking classified information on the Agency’s racially discriminatory hiring practices to the media last year.

Dems Sue Trump for “Wrongful Election Victory”

Unsatisfied with the lack of results from Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s year-long investigation of Trump-Russia collusion to steal the 2016 presidential election from Hillary Clinton, the Democratic National Committee filed a lawsuit demanding billions of dollars in damages and a “rectification” of the election results. In addition to Trump, the suit also named Russia and Wikileaks as co-conspirators in what DNC Chairman Tom Perez called “an act of unimaginable treachery.”

While not part of the suit, per se, Perez expressed “our profound disappointment with the actions of our government. We counted on them to prevent the election of Trump as president. Yes, the FBI stifled any criminal inquiry into Secretary Clinton’s mishandling of her email system. Yet, they didn’t stifle news of her aides erasing files and smashing cell phones. FBI Director Comey’s attempt to sell this behavior as merely careless lacked credibility and served to critically damage her campaign.”

“The Wikileaks publication of confidential correspondence disclosing how the DNC rigged the primary against Sen. Sanders was a vital cog in the machinery working to deny the election of the most qualified person to ever seek the presidency,” Perez contended. “Given the vast resources and opportunity to neutralize the evil genius hiding in the Ecuadorean Embassy in London, we are mystified that this one man wasn’t eliminated either before he could do his dirty work, or afterward as an example to others. Now, we are hoping our suit will bankrupt this disruptive entity.”

“The key remedy we are seeking is for the court to reverse the outcome of the 2016 election and invalidate all of the legislation and executive actions taken by the wrongfully seated Trump.” Perez said. “Skeptics say this remedy is unprecedented. Even if that were true, justice would still demand it. But there is precedent for vacating a victory and awarding it to the second-place finisher in collegiate athletics when it is shown that the on-the-field winner cheated. So, it shouldn’t be viewed as such a stretch to apply that remedy in our case.”

As for co-conspirator Russia, Perez predicted “that will take care of itself once a President Clinton replaces Trump in the Oval Office. She has had a lot of experience punishing those who have done her wrong. If the full powers of the presidency are put at her disposal I wouldn’t want to be in Putin’s shoes. We’re confident she’ll get more than the customary ‘pound of flesh’ out of him and the country he rules.”

In related news, Comey said if he could go back in time and change anything he would have “prevented Anthony Weiner from being born. Despite my best efforts, this sex pervert undermined my extraordinary actions aimed at smoothing the transition from the Obama Presidency to the Clinton Presidency. His very existence changed history in a very negative way.”

NY Guv Has Identity Crisis

Nervous that left-wing loon and former “Sex and the City” star Cynthia Nixon will oust him in the Democratic primary this coming September, Gov. Andrew Cuomo is trying to convince voters that he is all things to all people. In saner eras, the standard Democratic ploy was to promise an array of government-funded goodies to constituents. Now, though, Cuomo seems determined to persuade the gullible that he is “a Muslim, a Jew, a gay, a woman, a transgender, a criminal, an undocumented immigrant—I am every person, except a straight white male, and am the most perfect candidate to represent this great state as its governor.”

In a bid to prove he is “not all talk and no action,” Cuomo unilaterally granted 35,000 convicted felons the right to vote after the state legislature declined to change existing state law that bars felons from voting. “Sometimes a law is just plain wrong,” the Governor asserted. “I’m not the kind of guy who will sit around and wait for the legislative process to work if it’s not getting the job done.”

The mechanism the Governor has settled on is to grant every parolee a pardon as soon as he is released from prison. Richard Azzopardi, a spokesman for the governor, called the move “limited in scope. We’re not totally restoring all their civil rights. We’re only restoring their right to vote.”

Nixon wondered “why should Democratic voters accept such a poseur? My opponent is none of the identities he is trying to claim. I am actually both gay and a woman. I do find it telling that the only concrete action he IS taking is not on behalf of oppressed law-abiding minorities, but usurping legislative authority to reward persons who have been convicted of preying upon innocent victims.”

Numerous undocumented immigrants in the state also expressed outrage at the Governor’s claims. One of them asking not to be identified by name said “his parents weren’t immigrants, his family wasn’t poor, and he has no idea what it’s like to be undocumented. He will not be getting my vote.”

Tech Rivals Tout Surveillance Visions

Facebook Deputy Chief Privacy Officer Rob Sherman boasted that his firm “will force users to accept being tracked everywhere they go. That’s just the way it is. This decision was not made in the interest of the users of Facebook, but explicitly to ensure maximum profits for the company. Our business model is based on inducing our users to freely provide us detailed personal information, which we then sell to the highest bidders. It’s a virtual license to print money. Why should we stop?”

Sherman dismissed the possibility that customers would be turned off by FaceBook’s pervasive invasion of privacy. “Privacy is an antisocial concept,” he maintained. “It may have had its uses in an earlier era, but today everyone wants to be someone. Putting all their personal data on the web is a convenient and inexpensive way to to that. The lure of being a social media celebrity is too tempting for the modern generation to resist. The fact that we have over two billion active FaceBook users proves that.”

Not to be outdone, Microsoft’s Bill Gates touted his EarthNow initiative as a more powerful surveillance tool by pointing out “unlike FaceBook, it doesn’t require anyone to opt in before we can begin tracking them. Our network of orbiting satellites can track anyone anywhere on the planet. We will know where you are. Who you’re with. We can track your movements 24/7. No one will escape our scrutiny.”

“I see a day when society can monitor the globe to instantaneously identify unacceptable behaviors, words, and attitudes and dispatch intervention teams to rescue people from deviancy,” Gates envisioned. “People could be treated, therapies and medications administered as needed to prevent social isolation and nonconformity. Loneliness would become one of the afflictions that could finally be cured.”

Brown Vows Revenge on Anti-Sanctuary Cities

Now that the second largest county in California has joined a growing list of cities opposing the state’s sanctuary policies, an irate Gov. Jerry Brown (D) has vowed “to take vengeance on these lowlifes.” The spark provoking this promise came when the San Diego County Board of Supervisors voted to direct the county attorney to file a friend-of-the-court brief supporting the Trump Administration’s lawsuit against the state’s attempt to flout federal immigration laws.

“If these people thought they’ve had it tough before paying for the medical, education, and welfare needs of our undocumented immigrants, I want them to know that it will get much worse if their elected officials continue to defy me,” Brown threatened. “I’ve already ordered 400 National Guard troops to go to the border and make sure it stays open. We will import the voters needed to ensure that pliable boards and city councils replace recalcitrant GOP-led obstructionists. Resistance is futile. All will be absorbed or exterminated. The choice is theirs. I urge them to choose wisely.”

A sign that Brown may have overestimated his mandate to convert California into Norte Mexico came from a most unlikely source this week. The University of California Berkeley’s Haas Institute for a Fair and Inclusive Society’s poll of California voters found 59% in favor of increased deportations of illegal immigrants—a finding that the Governor characterized as “a transient majority that is already on its way to being overturned.”

In other California news, Fresno State University President Joseph Castro has awarded Professor Lars Maischak a paid vacation for advocating that President Trump “be hanged to save American democracy.” Castro explained that “while Dr. Maischak’s words may seem harsh to the ill-educated constituency that supports Trump, he was only voicing what we all believe to be true. Right-wing rabble rousers are demanding he be punished, but I am convinced that would be unwarranted. Our compromise solution was to put him on paid leave for the remainder of the semester. That way he is out of the classroom, but does not have to suffer any financial setbacks. We stopped short of giving him the raise and promotion that the majority of the faculty would have preferred.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Tipirneni is Big Abortion Advocate

If you support Big Abortion then former doctor Hiral Tipirnini is your vote for Tuesday’s special election in Arizona’s Eighth Congressional District. Here’s her view on Big Abortion:

I fervently believe our elected representatives should support policies reflecting clearly established women’s reproductive health rights. In short, abortions should stay safe, legal, and rare. And, for the record, no one is “pro-abortion” – one is essentially either pro-choice or anti-choice.

Tipirnini is a firm supporter of Planned Parenthood, even though that corrupt organization has been:

  • Sued in 10 states for refusing to report the rapes of underage girls and protecting their abusers;
  • Found to have defrauded the government and you the taxpayer by unethical billing in more than half the states;
  • Illegally profited off the sale of dead baby body parts;
  • Lying about performing mammograms.

The former doctor’s TV commercials show her joyfully consulting with patients in a hospital, but this is a dishonest portrayal. She admitted to Channel 15 News that she has NOT treated a patient since 2007. Still the commercial is airing on TV, deceiving the voters.

She settled in a malpractice lawsuit brought against her leaving her medical practice.

The malpractice lawsuit was filed by a Phoenix woman, Belen Carrillo, before her death.  Carrillo claimed that Tipirneni and a physicians employee group failed to give her a medically necessary tetanus immunization while treating her for a leg wound in 2001. According to the plaintiff’s lawyer and son, Carrillo, then 72, contracted tetanus, ended up in a coma for weeks, and suffered kidney failure. The lawsuit says Carrillo sustained “permanent injury and disability.”

During a debate, Tipirneni announced her agenda to push Medicare for All – a program that will bankrupt Social Security, leaving one in six Arizonans without benefits. As a former ER doctor, she should know better. Hiral Tipirneni’s disingenuous commitment to healthcare simply to win an election will end up harming thousands of Arizonans.

RNC Spokesperson Renae Eze said:

“Hiral Tipirneni has demonstrated a blatant disregard for the well-being of Arizonans, first hiding her malpractice lawsuits and now prioritizing  Medicare for All to the detriment of Social Security. Medicare for All will completely bankrupt the Social Security program, and as a former ER doctor she should know that. You would think an ER doctor would fight to protect people’s benefits, but Tipirneni seems only concerned with winning an election.”The Democratic candidate for Arizona’s 8th Congressional District, Dr. Hiral Tipirneni, claimed to “not be about party lines,” but then said “the real fight is with the GOP agenda.”

  • Tipirneni showed she was anti-border security when she called the idea of a border wall “not appropriate” and said she did not support spending “even a fraction” of the estimated costs associated with building it.
  • Tipirneni called The Tax Cuts and Jobs Act “absolutely wrong” and claimed money “would not trickle down to anyone.”
    • Yet, contrary to the doctor’s diagnosis, many Arizonans have received bonuses and other benefits thanks to the tax cuts, and at least one business in the 8th District has already given their employees a wage increase because of the tax cuts.
  • Despite Obamacare premium increases of 116 percent statewide, Dr. Tipirneni said Obamacare has “helped” and she supports “strengthening and stabilizing [Obamacare].”
  • Dr. Tipirneni has taken liberal, out-of-touch positions on abortion and gun control, among other issues.

This Big Government Democrat socialist supports free education for illegal aliens and opposes strong border protections and the wall.

This candidate is a fraud and her campaign is a complete charade portraying her as someone she is not. But now you who she really is.

It’s clear that Debbie Lesko is the deserving candidate for Congress.

Comey’s ‘Tell All’ Book Published

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

The “tell all” book written by James Comey, the FBI Director fired by Trump on the advice of FBI Deputy Director Rod Rosenstein in May of 2017, was released to reviewers this week and will be released to the general public next week. In sum, the book tries to make the case that Trump is “unfit to govern.”

“What most people don’t realize is that Trump is much shorter than me,” the Ex-FBI Director wrote. “I’m 6′ 8” and he is only 6′ 3”. That’s a whole five inches shorter. And that’s not his only five-inch shortage. I peeked in the men’s room and by my reckoning Trump’s schlong is at least five inches shorter than mine. If voters had known this prior to his election I don’t think they would’ve pulled the lever for such a woefully undermanned candidate.”

Other startling revelations from Comey’s book included his observation that “up close, the President appears to be unpleasantly fat and disturbingly orange. These are not the attributes of a leader of the free world. The regrettable ascension of Trump to this nation’s highest office is a big step down from the impeccably dressed and impressively svelte Barack Obama who so gracefully occupied this august position for an incredibly fulfilling and amazing eight years, racking up triumph after triumph in the eyes of the world.”

Comey contrasted what he called “Trump’s unethical and untethered to the truth values” with “President Obama’s scandal-free reign. Trump is at odds with the values and beliefs of everyone who has been a member of the elite that has governed this country for generations. It is fortunate that embedded members of this elite, including myself until I was fired, have been able to leak details of this man’s disturbing deviation from accepted norms since his wrongful electoral seizure of power. We can only hope that the continued resistance of these patriots will be enough to undo the mistake voters made by electing Trump.”

Interestingly, Comey admitted that he made the decision to exonerate Hillary Clinton for her illegal use of an unsecure off-site email system aimed at hiding her illicit monetization of her power as the US Secretary of State “so as not to taint her presidency. All the polls showed that she would win handily. I felt it would be bad for the country if her illegal activities were permitted to cloud her inevitable administration. Once the unthinkable happened and Trump won, I did whatever I could to try to rectify this catastrophe.”

President Trump said he was “surprised that Comey would so eagerly boast that he illegally leaked classified information, derailed an FBI investigation into Hillary’s crimes, and used an unverified political hit piece to dupe the FISA Court to approve spying on my campaign. Usually criminals try to hide their crimes. That he would be so brazen and that the fake news media would be so excessive in their praise of these criminal acts is an outrage.”

In related news, the Yale Law School announced the creation of a fund honoring the legacy of 1973 graduate Hillary Clinton. The announcement was hailed by former classmate Guy Swindel who said “I think starting a fund to accumulate money in Clinton’s name would be a fitting tribute to someone who has been amazingly successful in enriching herself from the generosity of supporters and her skillful wielding of the various public offices she has held. No one else, to my knowledge, has done as much with as little personal effort or integrity.”

FaceBook CEO Testifies, Apologizes to Congress

FaceBook CEO Mark Zuckerberg underwent two days of interrogation before members of the House and Senate looking into his firm’s invasion of privacy and political misuse of personal information. The tech wiz apologized for “allowing this information to fall into the wrong hands” and vowed to “introduce procedures to prevent any recurrence of the tragic event that befell the nation on November 8th 2016.”

In an effort to persuade members of Congress that “we are on the case,” Zuckerberg cited a couple of recent measures he said “will hopefully purge dangerous content from using FaceBook to promote antisocial attitudes and policies.” The first example, he cited was “banning the posting of a crucifix on the FaceBook page of the Franciscan University of Steubenville. This image of what can only be adequately described as ‘torture porn’ is the type of abuse of our platform that we will work very hard to eliminate going forward.”

The second example Zuckerberg offered up “was our ban of the unsafe posts put on FaceBook by Diamond and Silk. I know that these fans of Donald Trump believe they are exercising their freedom of speech, but I want to assure Congress that this alleged freedom doesn’t extend to hate speech that makes other users of our platform feel uncomfortable. Not only was there the potential of psychological harm, there was also the possibility of physical harm if those offended by the posts took to the streets to vandalize buildings, beat up political opponents, or confront police. At FaceBook we don’t remain passive under a delusion that we should remain neutral when improper ideas are voiced. We take a proactive approach to nip them in the bud. My biggest regret is that we didn’t take this strong stance prior to the 2016 election.”

Zuckerberg brushed aside criticism that FaceBook’s censoring of the two minority women might be construed as “racist,” saying that “race is not just a skin color. It also embodies an internal attitude and an external pattern of behavior that either is or isn’t authentic. Clearly, no authentic black person would be a political supporter of Trump. Diamond and Silk are obviously suffering from a false consciousness. By blocking their political delusions we are actually trying to help them get back on track with the vast majority of their racial peers.”

In related news, fellow tech tycoon Jack Dorsey, CEO of Twitter, gave a “thumbs up” to an article calling for Republicans to be wiped out in a new “Civil War.” According to the article written by Peter Leyden, “the Republican party is now so morally indefensible on every level that it is equivalent to the Confederacy of 1861. It deserves to be pounded into submission or oblivion just like Jefferson Davis and Robert E. Lee and their r4edneck minions were.”

Economy Continues to Be Battered by Tax Cut Law

News that US corporations expect the recently completed first quarter of 2018 to be the “best ever” has reignited Democrat promises to repeal the tax cut enacted late last year.

Vermont Socialist Sen. Bernie Sanders called the news “supremely depressing. To think that a democratically elected legislature could take such a heartless action to endorse the heightened expropriation of the surplus value of labor that Marx demonstrated is owed to the working class is shameful. It is essential that voters elect a socialist majority this Fall so Congress can repeal this abomination.”

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) pledged “to stand shoulder-to-shoulder with my good friend Bernie in the fight for social justice. It’s bad enough that corporations are gorging on the money that rightfully belongs to the working class. Worse, the tax cut has pushed even more Americans into the workforce against their will. The Department of Labor has just reported that the number of people receiving unemployment benefits is at a 44-year low. In November, voters will have a stark and clear cut choice between the Republican scheme to put everyone into wage slavery for the profit of big business or the Democratic promise of freedom from toil. It’s as simple as that.”

Well, maybe it isn’t as simple as Pelosi imagines. The Congressional Budget Office just released an updated budget forecast admitting that previous analyses had underestimated the positive impact of the tax cuts on economic growth and prosperity. “At this juncture it looks like the tax cuts may well pay for themselves with the extra income coming from expanded economic activity throughout the economy. This means that taxpayers may enjoy more money in their pockets without the government suffering from a larger deficit.”

In related news, Jesse Jackson denounced Kroger’s closing of unprofitable stores in minority neighborhoods as “rascist. We must no longer tolerate businesses using the excuse that insufficient sales justifies shutting down operations. It’s past time that we move beyond the capitalistic notion that profit is necessary if a business is to survive. If stores in certain neighborhoods have too few customers the appropriate response is for the government to step in and either subsidize those stores or take them over and run them for people, not profit.”

ACLU Praises Breach of “Attorney Client Privilege”

This week in an unprecedented move, Special Counsel Robert Mueller engineered a raid on President Trump’s long-time lawyer Michael Cohen that seized all of his files and documents. The American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) lauded this piercing of the President’s and Cohen Fourth and Fifth Amendment rights against unreasonable searches and denial of due process, calling them “warranted exceptions.”

As ACLU spokesman Bertram Petty explained “the Bill of Rights is intended to protect innocent people from tyrannical abuses. In this case, everyone agrees that Trump and his associates are ‘bad hombres’ and as such, not entitled to any rights that might impede prosecution for their misdeeds.”

“When a knowledgeable person like former FBI Director James Comey characterizes Trump as akin to a ‘mob boss’ that is all the ‘probable cause’ needed to justify the seizure of any and all evidence that might prove his or his goons’ guilt,” Petty contended. “The early leaks of the content of some of the documents seized indicates that Cohen has acted on numerous occasions to payoff persons blackmailing his clients. For example, Cohen negotiated a payment of $1.6 million to a former Playboy model who who claimed she was impregnated by Republican National Committee deputy finance chairman Elliott Broidy. While paying off blackmailers is not per se illegal we think that this information has political value and that denying the general public and the Democratic Party access to such information is unfair and potentially a violation of campaign finance statutes.”

Petty argued that “the FBI’s assurance that the violation of the Fourth Amendment is for good cause and its promise that the Agency will adhere to its own procedural standards before leaking any of the information extracted from Mr. Cohen’s confidential files ought to be sufficient justification for this unusual and extraordinary action. We must be flexible in our interpretation of the Constitution. Rigid conformity to a simplistic principle ought not to block the pursuit of a broader concept of justice.”

In related news, FBI Deputy Director Rod Rosenstein explained the Agency’s forecast that it would be at least three years before it releases the anti-Thump communications between agent Peter Strzok and FBI lawyer Lisa Page because “we need to be sure that the statute of limitations for all the criminal acts of these two employees have expired. This is the Agency’s normal procedure for guarding FBI staff from legal liability that could affect their pensions and/or their freedom.”

Planned Parenthood Calls Legislation Racist

Planned Parenthood complained that two new laws enacted in Tennessee to deny tax payer funding for abortions “hurt women of color.” Sarah Wallet, the medical director for Planned Parenthood of Greater Memphis, asserted “this legislation is racist. Women of color are especially dependent on government funding for their abortions. To deny them access to public monies for this purpose does them irreparable harm.”

Though the legislation does not block abortions financed by organizations or individuals using non-government sources of funding, Wallet was still adamant in her objections. “The original mission of Planned Parenthood as envisioned by founder Margaret Sanger was to provide an inexpensive means for reducing the population of eugenically inferior stock,” Wallet pointed out. “Obviously, people of color are disproportionately represented in this undesirable contingent of humanity. Government funding is vital to ensuring the widest measure of success for her vision.”

Critics of abortion have pointed out that the procedure has been responsible for more black deaths than any other human action since 1973. Wallet, however, rejected this line of argument, saying that “in our view, the termination of a pregnancy is not a death, but a mere extraction of unwanted fetal tissue. To deny black women the benefit of government aid in the procurement of an abortion clearly puts them at a disadvantage compared to white women. This violates the ‘created equal’ clause of the Constitution that we are confident the courts will reaffirm when we sue to block this new law.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Corbin Suspends Campaign for SOS

Lori Klein Corbin Suspends Campaign For Secretary of State: As a conservative former state senator and as the current Republican National Committeewoman representing the state of Arizona, my commitment to the issues affecting Arizonans has never wavered. Personal issues have arisen that make it impossible for me to continue the campaign. I was in this important race because there are few concerns that face Arizona voters more vital than the integrity of their ballot and the election process. Additionally, we should not lose sight of the fact that the Secretary of State is next in line to ascend to the office of governor if the governor is unable to perform his or her duties. I sincerely thank all of you who have worked on my campaign for Secretary of State, donating time, support, and tireless effort on my behalf. Your friendship is invaluable. I am honored to continue to serve Arizona as your Republican National Committeewoman and will remain in this position to support Arizona, our President Donald J. Trump and the Republican National Committee.

Read more AZ Republican news

Mexico Threatens to End Cooperation Against Violent Gangs

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Irked at the prospect that President Trump may send US troops to guard the border against illegal immigration, the Mexican Senate unanimously passed a resolution that would end the bilateral cooperation between US and Mexican law enforcement agencies against the violent drug cartels that have run rampant along the border.

President of the Senate, Pablo Escudero Mora defended the seemingly irrational move as “totally justified given the long history of US aggression toward our country. First they seized Texas. Then they invaded Mexico and forced us to cede California, and what are now Arizona and New Mexico to them. Now, in an unwarranted effort to prevent migrants who merely seek to settle in what were once Mexican lands, Trump wants to militarize the border. We say enough is enough.”

Escudero acknowledged that “these gangs are hurting many Mexicans, but they are also helping to smuggle immigrants across the border. In addition they are bringing in cash from drugs they sell to rich Americans. This helps our economy, which is more than Trump has done for us. While we wish these cartels wouldn’t murder so many of our citizens, these gangs are the lesser evil compared to the Devil that is the United States.”

“An amusing irony of this whole situation is that policies of the previous US Administration actually augmented the armament of these gangs.” Escudero chuckled. “A lot of their weapons were supplied by US covert operatives in the hope that it would spark voter demands for more gun control regulations. So, any atrocities that are committed on Americans by these gangs will be partially self-inflicted. That’s got to bring a smile to the face of every Mexican patriot.”

In related news, the State of California has issued more than a million driver’s licenses to illegal immigrants. The licenses may be used to allow these immigrants to cast ballots in state and local elections. State Attorney General Xavier Becerra hailed the milestone, calling it “a historic step toward California’s eventual independence or reunification with Mexico. We will break free of the chains imposed by the backward regime of Donald Trump and forge a new destiny for the people of our state.”

Dems Split on Tax Cut Repeal

Democrat Party leadership is not united in its plans for the recently passed tax cut. House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) pledged to repeal the cuts, saying that “the crumbs that Trump and the GOP selfishly tried to withhold from the government will be taken back and amalgamated into a large pool of resources to fund vitally needed government programs.”

Among the programs mentioned by Pelosi were “an expansion of regulations to more effectively monitor behavior so government can guide private individuals toward a more socially conscious lifestyle” and “a long overdue increase in salaries for government employees, who are the crucial actors in transforming the country into the progressive society promised by President Obama.”

Democratic National Committee Vice Chairman, Rep. Keith Ellison (Minn) disagreed, saying that “I don’t think it would be wise for us to overtly campaign in favor of repealing the tax cuts. Those of us on the inside know that the government can make better use of that money than private individuals can. But I think baldly telling people this like House Minority Leader Pelosi wants to do is foolish. There is a principle in my faith called taqiya that urges dissimulation in the face of one’s enemies. We need to convey a more sympathetic attitude toward taxpayers during the campaign. After we win we can start to talk about how we can wrest that money out of their hands.”

In related news, the socialist paradise of Venezuela, where food shortages have enabled citizens to achieve weight losses averaging 24 lbs. per person during the last year, saw Minister of Education Elías Jaua chastise “the enemies of the revolution who are over eating. Everywhere you look you see empty supermarket shelves. How can the government ensure a ready supply of food if people keep eating it? Unlike capitalist countries, our laws entitle our people to have access to food. However, too many anti-social traitors are abusing this right by consuming more than they need.”

FaceBook Admits “Invasion of Privacy”

Facebook’s chief operating officer, Sheryl Sandberg, publicly admitted that “our company’s invasion of our clients’ privacy probably rates a score of 10 out of 10 for being as complete a betrayal as possible.” Despite this colossal failure, Sandberg insisted that CEO Mark “Zuckerberg’s public apology ought to be penance enough. Look, we’re with the good guys. We allowed President Obama to use our massive data to get reelected in 2012. Obviously, in hindsight, the Cambridge Analytica deal was a mistake.”

“In our defense, the amount of data we sold to Cambridge Analytica was tiny compared to what we freely gave to Obama,” Sandberg explained. “With all the polls showing Hillary with a commanding lead we thought we could make a buck without damaging her election chances. It turned out we were wrong, but we weren’t the only ones. Everybody was sure she would win in a landslide. It isn’t fair to make us the scapegoat for the unforeseen outcome of the 2016 election.”

Sandberg insisted “we are going the extra mile to try to make up for the damage. We already scan the contents of every user’s posts and messages looking for anti-social attitudes. For example, we already flag any user posts of articles from Breitbart as ‘intentionally misleading.’ And we’re developing new algorithms that we believe will do a better job of excluding socially unacceptable content from being promulgated through our platform. So far, we’ve achieved a modicum of success. Pro-Trump messages have been reduced by nearly 50%. But we’re not going to say we’re satisfied. I think we can get a lot closer to 100% if we keep up our effort.”

In the wake of this scandal, a new policy FaceBook is implementing is to charge a fee to subscribers who want to opt out of the company’s data-driven exploitation of users’ personal information. Sandberg likened this to “the kind of distinction you see in cable and satellite TV. If you don’t want to be hounded by advertisers who know your weaknesses you’re going to have to pay for that privilege like you would for HBO or Showtime.”

As a prelude to his upcoming Congressional testimony, Zuckerberg has been assiduously deleting his FaceBook files. Unlike other users of the FaceBook platform, Zuckerberg is able to delete copies of those files that appear on any other FaceBook user’s page. The CEO said he was “confident I’ll be able to do a more complete job than Secretary Clinton was able to do with her emails. Unlike her, I am not technologically inept. I don’t think I’ll have to resort to busting up any devices with a hammer.”

Hillary Claims Credit for #MeToo Movement

This week, former presidential candidate Hillary Clinton claimed credit for accelerating the #MeToo Movement. “If I hadn’t lost the election none of this awakening to the the widespread sexual harassment that has plagued women in this country would have come to light,” she asserted.

“Harvey Weinstein—case zero—in the exposure of the sexual harassment epidemic was a great supporter of me and donor to the Democratic Party,” Clinton pointed out. “As president, in order to repay his loyalty and generosity to the Party, I would have protected him from the assault on his character launched by the former victims of his lewd behavior, just like I tried to protect Bill from the allegations made by his victims. So, in a way, it could be said that my defeat removed the possibility that I could use the power of the presidency to impede the exposure of Harvey’s unsavory history. It’s unfair that I don’t get proper credit for my role in the movement to attain sexual justice.”

Putin Complains about Demonization of Stalin

Russian President Vladimir Putin denounced what he labeled “the excessive demonization of former Soviet dictator Josef Stalin. His methods may have been harsh by Western standards, but few can quibble with the results.” These “results” included the deaths of 15 million to 30 million Soviet citizens through executions, labor camps, avoidable famines and making the treaty with Germany that unleashed WW II.

“Few critics take into account the poverty and backwardness of the country Stalin inherited,” Putin contended. “Bringing the Soviet Union into the modern era required sacrifices. The millions who died in the Gulag would have died eventually, regardless. Their labors helped make the Soviet Union into a superpower. We should not discount that accomplishment.”

Putin even defended Stalin’s infamous non-aggression pact with Hitler by pointing out that “the Western powers were trying to get a pact with Germany, but refused to acquiesce to the partition of Poland. Stalin was less squeamish. As a result we got the alliance and it refocused the Nazi’s toward attacking France and England rather than attacking Russia, as Hitler vowed to do in Mein Kampf. This likely saved millions of Soviet lives and also netted us additional territories after the war was over.”

While a recent poll showed only 25% of Russians consider Stalin’s repressions justified, Putin pointed out that “this level of support is higher than most Westerners would have expected” and predicted that “as knowledge of Stalin’s crimes fades, popular support for his achievements will inevitably grow—like the respect for Islam has now that most have forgotten the massacres carried out in the jihad to spread the faith so many centuries ago.”

In related news, Putin claims that the recovery of ex-Russian spy Sergei Skripal “proves we are innocent. When we poison an enemy he does not recover. Remember Litvinenko? That’s what happens when those who know what they are doing are involved.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

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