By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
Mayor Jenny Durkan (D) blamed President Trump for the bombing of the Police Department’s East Precinct, saying that “his demand for law and order is provoking these attacks. As every parent of a balky teenager knows the best way to get the behavior you don’t want is to forbid it. If you ignore it they will lose interest because the rush that comes from disobedience is gone.”
The mayor contrasted Trump’s lack of understanding with “the enlightened views of our City Council. We know our City. Our plan to abolish the police department is in line with how the people of Seattle want to live. But for this plan to work the threat of federal intervention must be ended. Once it is clear to protesters that there is no opposition to their authority they will realize that there is no longer any need for violence. They will be able to do whatever they want whenever they want without having to fear reprisals and the summer of love that we all hoped for can be achieved.”
Meanwhile, Seattle Police Sgt. James Lee reports that a van seized from the mob by city police outside the bombed precinct contained explosives, baseball bats, stun guns, bear and pepper spray, makeshift spike strips and gas masks. In all, 59 police officers were injured in the attack on the precinct, a nearby construction site, and a Starbucks coffee shop.
Durkan urged that “we not overlook the fact that this was a mostly peaceful protest. None of the police officers were killed. The precinct building wasn’t burned down. While the Starbucks was burned down, there are still many other coffee shops. The wrecked construction trailers can easily be replaced. Remember, 99% of the rest of the city was unscathed by these events. If we had been able to disband the police force ahead of this episode 100% of the city could have been left unscathed.”
Dejected Seattle Police Chief Carmen Best warned that “it appears that we truly are reaching the point of just sitting back and letting it burn. We can only hope that the innocent and the law-abiding can find a way to safely get out.” Alarmed by what this might do to city tax collections, the city council is said to be exploring measures to block any exodus of residents. Two of the most popular ideas are an embargo on all real estate property transfers and a simple confiscation without compensation of all private property.
In other “mostly peaceful” news, Andrew Duncomb was stabbed in the back while videoing a mob attempting to burn down the federal courthouse in Portland. Ellen Rosenblum, the Oregon Democrat Attorney General, blamed Trump and Duncomb for this crime. “First of all, if Trump’s federal goons weren’t there to oppose the mostly peaceful protesters there wouldn’t have been an opportunity for Duncomb to video anything. The courthouse could have been liberated or burned down as the protesters saw fit without anyone having to get hurt. Second, if Duncomb wasn’t there he wouldn’t have been within stabbing distance. And since he didn’t die, I’d have to classify the incident as mostly peaceful.”
China Tightens Screws on Hong Kong
The communist government of China took steps to increase its control over the residents of Hong Kong. First, it was announced that the United Kingdom passports held by an estimated three million residents will no longer be honored. Second, 12 pro-democracy candidates were removed from the ballot in the upcoming election.
Chinese ambassador to the UK, Liu Xiaoming explained that “under our laws all resources belong to the collective. This includes the people. No one has the right to subtract himself from the collective without the permission of the governing authorities. The United Kingdom’s offer of refuge to persons trying to escape from their obligations to the collective is an act of piracy. By invalidating UK passports held by Chinese subjects we are merely defending our own property from thieves.”
Liu also defended the disqualification of the pro-democracy candidates, saying “democracy is a delusion imported from the decadent capitalistic nations. Only those who support the central government can be permitted to run in our elections. To do otherwise would encourage disharmony within the collective. This can never be allowed. Only persons who conform to the state’s positions and policies can be trusted to participate in our elections.”
Dems Berate Witness
After calling on Attorney General William Barr to testify before the House Judiciary Committee, Democrats unloosed a barrage of insults and accusations and refused to allow the witness to answer questions. The farce followed a repetitive pattern as each Democrat on the Committee would pose a loaded question, Barr would start to answer but be interrupted after a few seconds by the questioner’s shouts of “reclaiming my time.”
Committee Chairman Jerry Nadler (D-NY) defended the protocol, insisting that “a lying snake like Barr must never be given the chance to use a public forum to say things we don’t want to hear. We invited him here to confess to his crimes against America, not to listen to any professions of innocence. In this regard, I thought Rep. Jayapal’s query as to whether he has stopped violating the Constitution should have elicited a simple yes or no response. As soon as Barr deviated from that expectation we needed to cut him off and proceed to the next question.”
Rep. Madeleine Dean (D-PA) asserted that “Barr’s attempts to talk while we were trying to reclaim our time were disrespectful, sexist, and racist. As a woman, I am tired of being interrupted. It’s my turn to interrupt. It’s sexist of Barr to not immediately shut up when he hears me say ‘reclaiming my time.’ I also noticed that none of the aides he brought with him were people-of-color. A public official’s staff should have the appropriate balance of persons by race and sexual identity. If it doesn’t that’s also racist and sexist.”
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Cailf) was not at the hearing, nevertheless, she still characterized Barr’s behavior as “despicable. His snide question ‘since when is it OK to burn down a federal court?’ revealed his contempt for every Democrat in the room. How can there be any doubt that this man belongs in prison?”
Since one of the contentions of the Democrats badgering Barr was that President Trump has been unfairly interfering with “mostly peaceful” protests, Rep. Jim Jordan (R-Ohio) showed a video of some of the violence taking place in several Democrat-run cities. This was juxtaposed against a stream of media talking heads using the phrase “mostly peaceful.” CNN’s Jake Tapper called on Jordan “to apologize for muddling our meme. It is not easy convincing viewers to not believe their own eyes. Many of us at CNN have been working long and hard to try to achieve this. Jordan’s exposé undermines a lot of this effort. He should be ashamed.”
Pelosi Alleges GOP Disdain for Working People
Frustrated by Republican opposition to the continuation of the coronavirus stimulation package provision that added a $600/week supplement to normal unemployment compensation, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) told CNN’s Anderson Cooper that “Republicans have disdain toward working people. They argue that when combined with the usual unemployment benefits the added $600 makes staying unemployed more remunerative than going back to work for many of our lower-wage employees. Well, duh. Who wouldn’t prefer leisure to work, especially if it comes with a bigger income.”
“Republicans act as if the 30 million currently unemployed is a bad thing,” the Speaker went on. “We call it a good first step toward the transformation of this country from capitalistic wage-slavery to socialistic redistribution of wealth. We’ve seen that with the generous unemployment benefits we’ve been providing over the last three months that tens of millions of former workers have been able to spend more time with their families doing fun stuff instead of having to work. We think this should be continued and expanded. Right now there are 125 million Americans still locked in wage-slavery. We should be fighting to free all of them.”
Sen. John Barrasso (R-Wy) says “the speaker is living on Fantasy Island. Her $3.4 trillion COVID relief bill includes bailouts to state pension plans, payoffs to her political cronies, direct checks to illegal immigrants, and tax relief for a blue state bailout for high earners in California and New York. It will bankrupt the country and wreck our economy. If we’re going to have goods and services someone has to work to produce and provide them. Her notion that everyone can live off government checks is fiscal idiocy.”
Pelosi dismissed Barrasso’s contentions that the path she wants the country to take is financially impossible. “What our Republican opponents are concealing from voters is the government’s power to create as much money as needed,” she said. “Forcing anyone to work when the government can simply print enough money for everyone to live a life of leisure is just cruel. We think voters will see this and sweep the GOP out of the White House and Congress in the November elections.”
New York Dolts Wrangle Over Crime
Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D) blamed New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio (D) for the crime wave inundating his city. Just this past week shootings were up by 176 percent over the same week in 2019. Cuomo called this “intolerable” and pointed to de Blasio’s release of 1500 inmates from the Rikers Island jail as “the primary cause. Of those released, 13 percent were almost immediately re-arrested. This included seven people for gun charges and one for murder.”
The Mayor stood by his decision to release the inmates, calling it “an act of mercy aiming at saving the lives of men who might otherwise have died from COVID.” He went on to suggest that “it was the new state law requiring the release of those accused of crimes if they can’t afford to pay bail. Many of these released suspects went on to immediately commit other crimes.”
The Governor denied any responsibility and pointed out that “there’s a very real difference here. The state’s new no bail law merely frees persons accused, but not yet convicted of crimes. Under our system a person is innocent until proven guilty. It is unfair to let a person who can afford bail to go free, but not a person who can’t afford it. What the Mayor has done is release persons already convicted of crimes. Clearly, these are worse people than those who are not yet proven guilty.”
Both men agreed, though, that President Trump’s offer to send law enforcement assistance is unacceptable. “Bill may be a fool, but he is a fellow New Yorker,” Cuomo said. “And we New Yorkers stick together no matter what.” De Blasio generally concurred with Cuomo, averring that “Andy has always been an ass, but he’s a Democrat and I will stand by him rather than let Trump meddle in my City.”
Biden Team Sets Interview Rules
Campaign manager Greg Schultz says Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden “will be giving more interviews and participating in debates, but only under certain conditions. These conditions include submitting all intended questions in advance. We will review these to determine which ones deserve a reply. For those that do we will prepare notes that Joe can use to identify which person to call on during the broadcast portion of the interviews and what answer he should give.”
Schultz said a similar procedure will apply to any debates between the candidates: “the questions will be supplied in advance. Inappropriate questions will be stricken. Joe will be given written answers by our staff and coached on how to deliver them. If during the course of the debate his opponent should ask him a question, Joe will have the option of calling a friend or polling the audience for help with his answer. If his answer is deemed correct by the moderator his opponent will be required to donate $1 million to Joe’s favorite charity, which happens to be the Hunter Biden financial empire. Finally, if Joe survives the event, the moderators will declare him the winner and the media will be expected to confirm this judgment.”
Despite the claimed openness to interviews, the Biden campaign declined an invitation from Fox News’ Chris Wallace. Wallace issued the invitation after President Trump told him that he “wondered whether Biden could handle the same kind of tough questions you’ve asked me.” Schultz said “we’ve laid down the rules. Unless Wallace agrees to follow them he won’t get an interview.”
Mayors Want Congress to Bar Deployment of Feds to Cities
The six Democratic mayors of Chicago; Seattle; Portland; Albuquerque; Washington, D.C.; and Kansas City have sent a letter asking Congress to enact legislation barring the deployment of federal forces to their cities without their prior approval. The plea follows the Trump Administration sending law enforcement officers to help combat the rising urban unrest and crime that has followed the demonstrations protesting the death of George Floyd while in police custody in Minneapolis last May.
The letter called the Administration’s actions “an egregious use of force that further erodes trust in government and undermines democracy” and pointed out that “if the law we are requesting had been in effect in 1860 there would have been no Civil War. Lest we repeat that tragic mistake in this era we urge that Congress expedite the passage of the protections we are requesting.”
Portland Mayor Ted Wheeler expressed his frustration with “federal interference in my city. We’ve had nine weeks of nightly battles over the federal courthouse in Portland. The handful of feds Trump has sent are just enough to assure a standoff. If the feds had stayed away the protesters would’ve burned the building down by now and the nightly battles would have been over long before now. The sacrifice of this one building would have mollified the Antifa forces and allowed for a more peaceful summer in our city.” Wheeler says he “will be filing a lawsuit to compel the federal government to compensate us for all the damage these battles have done.”
University Revises Grammar Standards
Convinced that the normal standards of grammar are racist, the Rutgers University English Department is revising its grading policy for student essays. Under the new rules any written paper containing any one of the 26 letters of the alphabet will earn a “D” grade. If any of these letters spell out a legitimate word the paper will earn a “C” grade. If any of these words result in a coherent sentence the paper will earn a “B” grade. If a paper contains more than one coherent sentence it will earn an “A” grade.
The new standards have already been denounced by the Rutgers Students for Democratic Socialism as “rigid and oppressive. The notion that anyone should grade the expressed ideas of another person is tyrannical. The only just evaluation is that of the social collective. If the social collective is satisfied with the work the student should get an ‘A.’ If the social collective is not satisfied the student should be expelled. Anything less is unacceptable.”
CDC Says Keeping Schools Closed Is Unhealthy
CDC Director Dr. Robert Redfield told a House Select Subcommittee hearing that “there are significant public health consequences if schools do not reopen this Fall.”
“The belief that young people are safer at home than at school is not scientifically correct,” Redfield said. “The risk of COVID infection for the K through 12 student is far lower than the risk of having to do without face-to-face instruction. While the schools have been closed we’ve seen an increase in drug use disorder as well as suicide in adolescent individuals. We’ve also seen a rise in domestic abuse. On top of this many students depend on school for significant nutritional support. They won’t get this support if they are not allowed to go to school. I want to make it clear that it is not a trade-off between health and the economy we’re facing on this issue. Both health and the economy are damaged by keeping the schools closed.”
Subcommittee Chairman James Clyburn (D-SC) said he appreciated Redfield’s perspective, but assured him that “your focus is too narrow. Everything you say about the health of the children may be true, but you overlook the big picture. In that big picture it is clear that opening the schools would aid the reelection efforts of President Trump. In my view, the reelection of Trump would be more harmful than the temporary damages done by keeping children out of the schools. Sometimes we must make sacrifices for the common good. In this instance we are asking our youth to make some sacrifices for the next four months so we can save the country from another four years of Trump’s misrule. I think voters will agree with me on this and support the Democrats who hold fast for keeping the schools closed until after November 3.”
Satirical Look at Recent News
John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.
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