NBA Distances Itself from Hong Kong Protesters

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

This week, the National Basketball Association (NBA) took steps to try to distance itself from a tweet by the Houston Rockets’ general manager Daryl Morey. In his tweet, Morey urged “Fight for Freedom. Stand with Hong Kong.”

NBA Commissioner Adam Silver publicly apologized for the “insensitive remarks made by Mr. Morey. We understand that members of our organization are entitled to their political opinions. We have stood behind teams’ refusals to visit the White House while Trump is president. We sympathize with players who are insulted by the racism of the National Anthem. However, the financial consequences of disrespecting the government of China are substantial and we will do whatever that government requires to atone for the offense created by Mr. Morey’s tweet.”

The initial acts of atonement so far have included an apology from Morey and the deletion of his tweet, an enforced “gag rule” forbidding players and managers from expressing any opinions regarding the Chinese Government’s oppression of pro-democracy protesters in Hong Kong, and efforts to refocus attention on “the despicable history of the United States.”

An opening salvo of the “refocus” effort came from the mouth of Golden State Warriors Coach Steve Kerr. The Coach said he was “proud to boycott the invitations from Trump for my team to visit the White House for a celebration of our championships. We cannot allow this tyrant to ride the coattails of our greatness. Especially considering all the human rights abuses committed by Donald Trump and his minions since he stole the presidency from Hillary Clinton.”

Kerr rebuffed queries from the media regarding China’s concentration camps for dissenters, saying “it would be unfair for me to comment without being fully informed. I hear people say that millions have died under the policies of Mao, but I have no personal knowledge of these claimed atrocities. On the other hand, the Chinese Government has freely allowed their citizens to play and watch basketball. These positive developments should not be endangered by errant comments.”

“Even worse, the recent action of the Trump Administration making the freedom of two million persecuted Muslims a condition for improved economic trade with China unnecessarily complicates the better business relationship the NBA is trying to accomplish,” Kerr added. “To me, Trump is clearly the bigger threat to a better world.”

In related news, the NBA’s Portland Trail Blazers announced they are terminating a commercial partnership with Leupold—a manufacturer of a variety of scopes, binoculars and rangefinders—because the company also sells its products to the Israeli Defense Forces. Omar Streicher, spokesman for team, said “when it was brought to our attention that rifle scopes manufactured by Leupold were aiding the illegal occupation of Palestine by Israel, severing the partnership became a ‘no brainer.’”

Biden Says Study Vindicates His Ukraine Extortion

A study conducted by OpenTheBooks.com showed that the practice of politicians trading favors for cash is common. The case study involved eight members of Congress: Republicans Tom Cole, Kristi Noem, Erik Paulsen, and Cathy McMorris Rodgers and Democrats John B. Larsen, Jim Cooper, Debbie Dingell, and Brenda Lawrence.

The study found a repeated pattern in which members of Congress own investment stock in, are employed by, and receive retirement pensions from federal contractors to whom billions of taxpayer dollars flow. Members sponsor or oppose legislation that affects these contractors. Then, the contractor’s lobbyists advocate for or against the legislation to help the contractor. Oftentimes, the contractor’s lobbyist also donates campaign cash to the member.

Perhaps the most shocking aspect of this abuse of office is that it is not illegal. It is this last finding that former Vice-President Joe Biden heralded as “proof that I’ve done nothing wrong. The travesty is that the salaries allotted to those of us in government are abysmally low. Corporate executives are paid millions to run private businesses. We ought to be similarly paid, but could never garner much support for higher salaries. Allowing ourselves to make money on the side has been the way to right this injustice. Using my influence in Ukraine to help my son doesn’t make me a crook. It makes me a good dad.”

In related news, Biden slammed the New York Times for running an op ed by Peter Schweizer, author of Clinton Cash. “Here is a guy trying to profit by attacking the legal influence peddling of great Americans like the former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and me, the former Vice-President of President Barack Obama. We’re at war for the soul of this country. The Times shouldn’t be giving aid and comfort to our enemies. They need to stay in the ranks and use the power they have to help us win back the White House and Congress.”

California Enacts Anti-Voter Suppression Law

Governor Gavin Newsom has signed a new law that will allow voters to register on election day at any polling place in the state. According to the Governor, “this will overcome some serious deficiencies that previously held the number of ballots cast below what could’ve been achieved.”

Among the deficiencies cited by the Governor were “the disenfranchisement of procrastinators. Why should people who can’t plan ahead be barred from voting? Under this law, anyone can wait until the final hour and still be allowed to vote. Another defect of previous law was its failure to adequately allow for enthusiastic voters to have a say as great as their passion. Under the new law, a person with the dedication and energy would be allowed to register and vote at as many polling locations he or she could reach during the 30 day period in which votes are allowed to be cast. Why shouldn’t people who feel strongly be accorded a greater weight in the decision than those who are just going through the motions to cast a single ballot each election cycle?”

Former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger exuded enthusiasm for the new rules, saying “I will cast as many votes as I can for Sen. Warren. Her vision for the future of America is how we keep America number one.”

LGBTQ Town Hall Brings Out Worst in Dem Candidates

This week at CNN’s “Equality Town Hall” inspired several of the Democratic Party’s 2020 presidential contenders to advocate some bad ideas.

Former Texas Rep. Beto O’Rourke vowed to “strip tax-exempt status from any religious organization that refuses to recognize gay marriage. In fact, this will be one of my top priorities as president. The Supreme Court has ruled that same-sex marriage is just as valid as a traditional marriage between a man and a woman. No one has a constitutional right to oppose this. Any who do must be punished. Imposing taxes on churches and siccing the IRS after them would be the most merciful tool for achieving compliance. You know, we could learn a thing or two from how China handles religious deviations from its policies. In China, churches must get government approval before anyone can be a priest or minister. This strikes me as the ultimate safeguard for ensuring obedience to the government’s wishes. Maybe we should make this a requirement in our country.”

Former Vice-President Joe Biden averred that “same-sex marriage is the perfect remedy for alleviating the health threat posed by gay bathhouses. Before gay marriages were the law of the land, gay men were forced to look for love with anonymous strangers in round-the-clock sex orgies at these bathhouses. Now they can practice safe sex with a committed long term partner. I’d call that a major step forward toward a healthier America.”

Massachusetts Sen. Elizabeth Warren acknowledged “the solid reasoning of my colleagues,” but chided them for “overlooking the need to broaden our concept of marriage to cover the 30+ different genders that have recently been discovered. Every person has the right to be any sex he or she wants and to marry any other person of any gender. We will need to craft laws to deal with all the potential combinations. Even if we restrict marriage to two individuals there are nearly 1,000 possible types of marriage that will need to be codified. However, I wonder if such a restriction might be too narrow-minded. Who says a marriage has to be between only two people?”

The Senator also took the occasion to announce that “prison inmates are entitled to gender reassignment surgery.” This position contradicts her 2012 opposition to using taxpayer money to fund such surgeries. “I was wrong then,” she admitted. “My error can be blamed on the false premise that there can be any money that is not rightfully the property of the government. I was mindlessly thinking ‘why should taxpayers foot this bill.’ I now know that the correct way of thinking is that any money not taken from taxpayers is a gift from the government. No one is entitled to expect a gift. It is the government’s right and duty to use whatever funds are necessary to heal these suffering individuals. Reshaping their genitals is a small down payment on what society owes them.”

To help her with issues like these, Warren promised to consult with nine-year-old transgender Jacob Lemay. “An individual to be so wise at such a young age and brave enough to take action to escape the erroneous body he was born with is the kind of adviser every president needs to forge the transformation our country needs,” the Senator maintained. “For more than 200 years presidents have sought out old white men for these crucial roles. I intend to break away from that stilted practice and get ideas and inspiration from those unconstrained by the out-dated reality of the past.”

In related news, Warren promised to give “back pay” to illegal aliens. She brushed off criticism that “this, like my other plans is ‘communistic,” by reminding these critics that “they are neglecting to admit that under communism in Russia and China no student has to pay for college, no one has to pay for health care, the government provides adequate housing for everyone, and people cheerfully line up to buy the low-cost food the state supplies to all.”

Anti-Trump Conspirator Admits Steele Dossier “Had Flaws”

Fired former FBI deputy director Andrew McCabe admitted to former Watergate reporter Carl Bernstein that “the dossier compiled by Steele had its flaws. Steele warned us that he couldn’t verify its contents and that we should not take it as ‘gospel.’ But President Obama was pressing us on the need to prevent Donald Trump from becoming the next president. Under these circumstances I think people will understand that a rigid adherence to the law would not have allowed us to do as he asked.”

“By nature, much of the information spies like Steele obtain is hearsay, innuendo, and inference,” McCabe explained. “But if that’s all you have there’s no alternative but to go forward and hope for the best. Did we make mistakes? Of course. In hindsight, perhaps swearing under oath to the FISA Court that the dossier was verified might have been a mistake seeing that our expectation we would be successful in throwing the election to Secretary Clinton didn’t pan out.”

“What I offer in my own defense, and that of the numerous intelligence community members who participated in the mission, is that taking extreme risk, breaking laws, and neutralizing enemies by any means possible has been the essence of the intelligence community’s work going back at least to the foundation of the CIA. We do the dirty work required to protect this nation from threats to our way of life. Trump posed such a threat and President Obama’s endorsement of the measures we carried out gave all of us the impetus to try to save America from a dire fate. My greatest regret is that we have, so far, failed in that endeavor.”

In related news, CNN contributor Wajahat Ali reports that “the FBI now considers conspiracies theories, such as that there is a deep state plot to drive Trump out of office, to be a domestic terror threat. This designation will allow the intelligence community to take the kind of severe measures needed to protect against this threat. This includes surveillance, infiltration, propaganda, and the type of executive action deployed against President Kennedy when he posed a similar threat as perceived by the CIA.”

Minneapolis Mayor Removes Porta-Potties Outside Trump Rally

Frustrated that he was unable to prevent President Trump from holding a campaign rally in Minneapolis, Mayor Jacob Frey took action to bar porta-potties from being set up outside the arena for use by the overflow crowd or those there to demonstrate against Trump.

“The provision of portable toilets is the very definition of treason in the US Constitution,” Frey contended. “And I quote…Treason against the United States, shall consist of giving enemies aid and comfort. The whole purpose of these facilities is to give aid and comfort. In fact, they are also known as ‘comfort stations.’ Since Trump and his supporters are enemies of our democracy any step that would discomfort them seems to me to be both inherently justified and required.”

Asked about the discomfort inflicted on the anti-Trump demonstrators, Grey expressed regret, but pointed out that “in war there sometimes is collateral damage. I think our Anti-Fa friends understand this and will, in revolutionary fashion, relieve themselves on the streets as are our fellow revolutionaries in San Francisco and Los Angeles. So, we’re confident that most of the suffering will occur in the ranks of the deplorables.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Dems Assail Scrutiny of Their Business Dealings

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Revelations that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s son, like former Vice-President Joe Biden’s son, had a cozy deal with a Ukrainian oil company bolstered her determination to press ahead with impeachment of President Trump. “There is a clear pattern of abuse of power here,” the Speaker alleged. “As President Trump knows, the compensation paid to members of Congress is far below adequate for their station in life. Yet, he viciously attacks the time-honored means that every other administration has accepted to overcome this inequity.”

“Trump has billions of dollars with which to support the members of his family—giving cushy jobs to his two moron sons,” Pelosi contended. “Those of us who are less privileged have, as members of Congress have historically done, pulled a few strings to try to help our sons to enjoy a better life. To imply that these actions are scandalous goes outside the bounds of normal practice. It could not be clearer that the removal of Trump from power is imperative.”

House Judiciary Committee Chairman Jerry Nadler (D-NY) chimed in to point out that “it’s not only our children who are being threatened by Trump. The minimal kickbacks I’ve been receiving from the music industry have also been unfairly criticized. For anyone to suggest that my actions toward this industry might in any way be influenced by the small campaign donations I have received or the parties that I have thrown using some of this money unfairly implies that I am corrupt. These are normal transactions for a person in my position.”

Sanders Refutes GOP Claim on Medicare-for-All

Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Bernie Sanders’ recent trip to the hospital for urgent medical care inspired Republican critics of his Medicare-for-All plan to point out that the normal waiting periods for receiving care under socialized medicine are typically weeks or even months and, in some cases are denied for a person as old (78) as Sanders is. In the British system, the median time from assessment to treatment is 55 days. In Canada the waiting time averages 11 weeks.

The senator called the GOP claim “misleading. While the average person might, in fact, have to endure such waits, my plan makes explicit exceptions for important people. Under democratic socialism, government leaders are vital cogs in running the country. As such, they will have line-cutting privileges that ensure they get the best treatment expeditiously. We can’t afford to have high-ranking members of the ruling body fall victim to the queuing procedures that apply to the masses.”

Schiff Refuses to Release Transcript of Testimony

After predicting that the closed-door testimony of former U.S. envoy to Ukraine Kurt Volker before the House Intelligence Committee would “prove President Trump has committed high crimes” Chairman Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) has, so far, released only selected excerpts of this testimony.

Republican members of the Committee are clamoring for the release of the full transcript. Rep. Mark Meadows (R-NC) said “there’s a reason why Adam Schiff released cherry-picked text messages and not the transcript of the Volker interview. It’s because the actual interview directly undermined Democrats’ impeachment effort.” Rep. Jim Jordan (R-Ohio) asserted that “When the American people get to read the transcript of Ambassador Volker’s testimony, they will see that everyone involved in the Trump Administration and Ukrainian government was working both for America’s interests and for the success and security of Ukraine.”

So far, Schiff has rebuffed GOP calls for full transparency, citing “the special rules Speaker Pelosi has set for these impeachment hearings. These rules bar Republicans from asking any questions or calling any of their own witnesses. I have been granted full power to determine what will or won’t be released to the public and how it will be edited. We have no obligation to follow Trump’s example of releasing a transcript of his phone call with Ukrainian President Zelensky.”

In related news, it has also been disclosed that Joseph Cofer Black, a former political adviser to Sen. Mitt Romney, was a member of the same board of directors for the Ukrainian company Burisma that Hunter Biden was. Romney has been a prominent critic of Trump’s attempt to probe corruption in Ukraine and has taken the stance that the phone call was “wrong and appalling” and offered to “heed the Party’s call and accept the GOP presidential nomination for 2020 after Trump is impeached and removed from office. I am well-respected in Washington and offer the steady hand needed to assure the continuity of policy that has garnered support on both sides of the aisle in DC.”

Beto Offended by Buttigieg Position on Guns

Speaking at Kent State University—site of where US troops fired on antiwar protesters in 1970, killing four of them—Democratic presidential candidate and former Texas Rep. Beto O’Rourke expressed his “profound disappointment with Mayor Pete’s refusal to back my plan to confiscate AR-15s and similar military-style weapons from private owners. This is tantamount to supporting citizens having the means to resist government intrusions on liberties that these citizens neither need nor deserve in our modern society. At this point in our history we must accept that only the government can be trusted to use firearms appropriately.”

Mayor Buttigieg objected to O’Rourke’s “mischaracterization of my views. I don’t disagree that private citizens ought not to have weapons, but I think his stark proposal is like the proverbial ‘kicking a sleeping dog.’ We need to be more subtle in our pursuit of disarmament of the general population. I favor more of a ‘boiling the frog’ approach where we slowly ratchet up the restrictions until the burdens of gun ownership are so onerous that people will voluntarily give up on the idea of bearing arms.”

Clinton Weighs Suit Against China

The recent use of the term “basket of deplorables” by China’s state-run Global Times has spurred former unsuccessful presidential candidate Hillary Clinton to consider suing for “theft of intellectual property. I coined that phrase to describe the lowlifes who supported my opponent in the 2016 election. It is outrageous that it would be re-used without paying me royalties.”

Observers have expressed skepticism that any prospective lawsuit could be successful. CNN’s Chris Cuomo cited China’s “blatant disregard for intellectual property rights as one indicator of the improbable odds for getting a reasonable response on Sec. Clinton’s complaint. I also can’t help wondering if a Regime willing to use violence to suppress pro-democracy protests in Hong Kong now and in Tiananmen Square 30 years ago would feel any compunction to honor her property rights.”

In related news, Democratic presidential candidate former Vice-President Joe Biden has filed paperwork to copyright the phrase “dregs of society” that he recently used to slander the 63 million voters who elected Donald Trump president in 2016. A spokesman for his campaign boasted that “this should warn off any imitators among the dwarfs who are contesting Joe’s right to continue the Obama legacy and provide a route to cash compensation should they try to appropriate his terminology.”

Candidate Says Spending Stats Support Transition to Socialism

The Bureau of Labor Statistics Consumer Expenditure Survey showing that Americans spent more on taxes in 2018 than on food, clothing and health care combined was hailed by Democratic presidential contender Massachusetts Sen. Elizabeth Warren as “proof that socialism works and that the transition to a centrally directed economy will be relatively painless.”

The combined payments the average American consumer unit made in 2018 for five categories of taxes—federal income taxes, Social Security taxes, state and local income taxes, property taxes; and other taxes was $18,617. In 2013, the average American consumer unit paid a combined $13,327 for the same five categories. This 40% tax hike in only five years was labeled “very encouraging” by the Senator.

“Republican arguments that voters can’t afford socialism or that they will fight to resist increasing levies on their income and wealth are rebutted by these data,” Warren declared. “The thing that spurred the American Revolution in 1776 was taxation without representation. Today, Americans are fully represented by the people they elect. These elected representatives are the ones who have imposed the taxes that the general public willingly pays because they have confidence that the government will wisely handle their money—shifting it from frivolous and selfish expenditures for private pleasure to urgently needed public uses like free college tuition and free health care for the millions of Latinos that are bravely crossing our southern border.”

Schumer to Trump: “Don’t Say I Didn’t Warn You”

The emergence of the latest CIA scheme to oust President Trump entailing the manipulation of “whistleblower” rules to allow “hearsay” allegations prompted Sen. Charles Schumer (D-NY) to remind Trump “I told you that these guys have six-ways from Sunday at getting back at you.”

“In a way, Trump is actually getting off easy,” Schumer contended. “When President Kennedy threatened to tear the CIA into a 1,000 pieces he ended up being murdered. If a president as beloved as JFK was could be killed, a vile creature like Trump should thank his luck that he is still alive. I don’t know how long he thinks his luck will hold, but everyday he is tempting fate. The prudent course would be for him to resign before something unfortunate happens to him.”

As a more merciful alternative, Rep. Maxine Waters called for Trump “to be imprisoned and placed in solitary confinement. His opposition to the efforts of the intelligence community to neutralize the mistaken election of this miscreant make him a clear and present danger to our democracy. We must not allow him to assert constitutional provisions guarding the rights of the accused to delay removing him from power. We must take corrective action before it is too late.”

Former Attorney General Eric Holder extended a general warning to current Attorney General William Barr urging him “to abandon his investigation into allegations of corruption involving the Obama Administration. All he’ll accomplish is to destroy his own reputation and foreclose any future he may have once things return to normal.”

DNC Wants Facebook to Censor Trump

The Democratic National Committee (DNC) has accused Facebook of allowing President Trump to “mislead the American people” and demanded that “action be taken to silence his propagation of lies.”

Facebook’s vice president of global affairs and communications, Nick Clegg, said that “it is our policy to treat speech from politicians as newsworthy content that should, as a general rule, be seen and heard. In open democracies, voters rightly believe that, as a general rule, they should be able to judge what politicians say themselves.”

However, DNC CEO Seema Nanda complained that “Facebook has the means to protect people from being exposed to the misinformation spewing from Trump and the responsibility to do so. They should do this voluntarily rather than wait for us to compel them to do the right thing under penalty of law.”

In related news, Democratic presidential candidate California Sen. Kamala Harris urged Twitter to ban Trump’s tweets. “Truth should not be impeded by the intrusion of this man’s twisted views,” Harris asserted. “There are plenty of respected reporters at CNN, MSNBC, ABC, etc. who can convey what’s really going on to the American voters. We shouldn’t have to tolerate Trump’s repeated efforts to muddle their message.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

NY Mayor Takes Hard Line on ‘Illegal Aliens’

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Now that he has dropped out of the race for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination, New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio is free to indulge in his favorite pastime—shafting the citizens and residents who fall under his governance. The newest bit of tyranny from the Mayor is the enactment of an ordinance that imposes hefty fines on anyone using the phrase “illegal alien” or the word “illegals.”

“We determined that our ongoing policy of shielding accused rapists and murderers from Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) agents is not enough to discourage attitudes of hostility toward individuals who have entered the country without complying with the red tape prescribed by federal statutes,” de Blasio said. “I decided we need to go the extra mile to persuade citizens and legal residents of our city to keep their hostile opinions to themselves.”

De Blasio contrasted that “this admittedly moderate and weak deterrent isn’t what Lenin did to crush counterrevolutionaries opposed to the transformation of Russia into a socialist state,” but justified it as “about as far as we can go for now. Once the Democratic Party has obtained full control of congress and the presidency a more rigorous effort to cleanse the entire nation of errant modes of thought can be implemented.”

Dem Calls Trump “Treason” Comment “Treasonous”

House Intelligence Committee Chairman Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) denounced President Trump’s suggestion that spying on him by the CIA might be treason. “We should thank our lucky stars that there are people within the federal government who are not intimidated by Trump’s election as president,” Schiff exclaimed. “The fearless heroes of the CIA and FBI who have diligently worked to undo the tragic results of the 2016 presidential election deserve our thanks and praise. Trump’s attempt to portray what they have done in a negative light is despicable.”

“Clearly, Trump’s request to Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky that his government look into a matter that occurred years ago between then Vice-President Biden and the previous Ukrainian administration is what is really treasonous,” Schiff argued. “Trump’s attempt to portray the leverage Vice-President Biden utilized to help out his son as a bad thing was an attack on family values. Joe Biden previously lost his eldest son, Beau, to brain cancer. His youngest son, Hunter, was facing a rocky future after being ousted from the US Navy for drug addiction. The millions in consultant fees that Joe helped him obtain from a Ukrainian company enabled Hunter to avoid becoming unemployed and saved the government the expense of having to pay unemployment benefits to Joe’s boy. Trump’s slander against Joe warrants his impeachment.”

The Congressman also espied “a double standard in Trump’s actions. Back in 2011 a ‘rookie’ reporter by the name of Chelsea Clinton snagged a $600,000 a year salary as an NBC ‘soft news’ specialist. Her salary was four to five times that of other NBC rookie reporters. Trump never challenged this. Everyone viewed it as payback for all the sacrifices her parents had made in their decades of public service. Well, Joe Biden has given America four decades of public service. We should be grateful that he took the initiative to arrange a payback for his lone surviving son. Trump’s hypocrisy in these two virtually identical instances is reprehensible.”

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton echoed Schiff’s charges saying “The president of the United States has betrayed our country. Joe Biden didn’t inherit a billion dollars. He, like Bill and I, had to claw his way to the top using every bit of the influence granted by the voters in our political system. This social mobility is crucial to our way of government. Trump’s assault on it undermines justice. We must act. He is a clear and present danger to the things that keep us strong and free. I pray that our guardians within the government will be able to save us from this danger.”

Former Massachusetts Gov. and current candidate for the Republican presidential nomination Bill Weld agreed with Schiff and Clinton, advising that “we stop tip-toeing around the issue. Trump’s phone call was treasonous. He ought to be executed.”

A contrasting view was offered by Ukrainian Prosecutor General of Ukraine Viktor Shokin. “I had been investigating numerous instances of potential corruption,” Shokin said. “The hiring of Hunter Biden—a man with no expertise in Ukrainian affairs or the energy business interests of Burisma—for essentially a ‘no show’ job raised my suspicions. The very public demand by Vice-President Biden, who apparently had the full support of President Obama, that my investigation be stopped or crucial financial aid to my country would be blocked was pure extortion. President Poroshenko met Biden’s demand by firing me. Biden’s later public boasting about how he got me fired confirms my suspicions about the corrupt nature of his son’s hiring by Burisma.”

Wall Street Warns Warren

Corporate Financiers and big business executives who normally donate to the Democratic Party have expressed uneasiness with the aggressively socialist policy prescriptions of the party’s 2020 presidential contenders. One frightened donor averred that “we can tolerate the Party’s longstanding practice of taking a piece of the action on programs that funnel money to our firms, but now it sounds like they want to carve us up like the proverbial golden goose. I don’t know how we can continue to fund candidates intent on punishing us.”

Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) professed herself “untroubled by talk of a corporate reluctance to donate to my campaign. We’re keeping meticulous records on who is with us and who is not. I mean to abolish capitalism to achieve social justice. Those who help me win the presidency will earn social credits that may come in handy when the demolition begins. It won’t save their unjustified wealth, but it may save their lives. Given the inevitability of our success, I think these guys will be smart enough to accept roles administering the government bureaus and departments that will be needed to run the economy, especially when the alternative will be to find themselves out on the street with no salable skills.”

Warren insisted that “my policies will be merciful. I will also cancel all city and state ordinances, laws, and regulations that bar people from living on the streets and in public parks. Displaced employees and business owners will be able to avail themselves of rent-free accommodations in any part of the United States. An added upside will be the significant reduction in the carbon footprint this lifestyle enables.”

The Senator also triumphantly cited a Cato Institute and YouGov report–“2019 Welfare, Work, and Wealth National Survey”–finding that 47 percent of Americans with strongly favorable views of socialism think “citizens taking violent action against the rich is sometimes acceptable” and that 36 percent of strong liberals and 35% of Americans under 30 agree. “These are the people who will spearhead the socialist revolution and carry me to victory in next year’s election,” she declared.

Dems Denounce GOP Efforts to “Red Flag” Gang Members

House Democrats bristled over efforts to apply so-called “red flag” laws as a means of disarming violent criminals. House Judiciary Chairman Nadler (D-NY) called the GOP effort “racist and inhumane. The kind of people they want to target live outside the law. These people need guns for their own protection and to earn a living. If you’re a gang member you can’t expect someone to give you money just because you ask. You have to have the ability to persuade that person to surrender his wallet, watch, or cell phone. Access to a firearm greatly improves the odds of successful persuasion.”

Nadler also accused Republicans of trying to divert attention from the fact that “a much larger number of guns are in the hands of non-gang members. The guns in the hands of criminals are a tiny fraction of the total compared to the fraction owned by the general population. The purpose of the ‘red flag’ law is to give ordinary people the option to have police disarm a suicidal relative or friend. Most people don’t know that the number of suicides are almost double the number of murders. We should be focusing on the larger threat to life and not be misled by GOP manufactured hysteria over the lesser evil.”

Sanders Calls for “National Wealth Registry”

Democratic presidential contender Sen. Bernie Sanders (Vt) called for a “National Wealth Registry” to be established as part of his plan to “eliminate billionaires in America. Just as a registry of gun owners is necessary if we hope to confiscate privately owned firearms, a list of who is wealthy must be established so we can transfer this undeserved money to the government for redistribution.”

A key part of Sanders’ plan includes a ban on taking funds out of the country. “We’re not saying that those targeted for expropriation can’t leave,” he said. “But their money has to stay here so the government can put it to better use than the capitalistic profiteering and selfish greed that have been the primary activities of these social parasites.”

The Senator expressed confidence that “the expertise of the IRS and comprehensive surveillance by the NSA will interdict schemes to try to sneak money across the border. We will redirect ICE from the task of keeping people out to keeping people in until they have surrendered all their assets. The walls wrongly built to prevent the needy from claiming their fair share of America’s wealth will help ensure that the rich cannot abscond with what doesn’t rightly belong to them.”

In related news, Sanders called a poll finding showing that 51% of young voters fear that humanity could be wiped out in 15 years “excessively negative. I have long held that humans are the biggest threat to the planet of any species. I have done my part by not fathering any children, that I know of. If everyone had been as insightful and unselfish as me we wouldn’t have to fear the extinction of humanity. We’d be well on our way toward achieving it.”

Canada Launches Nationwide Manhunt

The appearance of posters asking “what if Islam is not a religion of peace?” has inspired authorities to launch a nationwide search for the person who plastered these posters in a variety of prominent public places. The postings are considered especially insidious because “many are posted too high for offended parties to easily rip down.”

The Alberta Muslim Public Affairs Council is working with the Royal Canadian Mounted Police “to try to apprehend the miscreant or miscreants who have done this dastardly deed,” said programs director Trent Daley. “They’re playing with fire. Muslims are very sensitive to comments that cast aspersions on their faith. The Quran explicitly commands Muslims to attack unbelievers who insult Islam.”

Social activist Jim Gurnett asserted that “questioning the tenets of Islam is a manifestation of pure hate that must never be tolerated. Christianity and Judaism have a long tradition of theological debate and disputation that has blinded members of these faiths from seeing the irreversible damage that a similar approach would inflict on Islam. The charm of Muslims is their unquestioning belief in the Quran. Their happiness is dependent on their absence of doubt. Disturbing this is cruel.”

Strathcona County councillor Brian Botterill characterized the posted question as “racist” and urged “anyone spotting one of the posters to contact the appropriate authorities. I know that strictly speaking, Muslims are not a race, per se. Perhaps the more accurate term for the poster might be ‘anti-Muslim,’ but that doesn’t have the same emotional impact that the term ‘racist’ has. If we are going to maximize hostility toward the poster we should not shy away from using the most scurrilous language on account of a fastidious devotion to accuracy.”

Schumer Declares: Transcript of Ukraine Call “Not Enough”

Convinced that President Trump would never agree to release a transcript of his July phone call with Ukraine’s President Zelensky, Sen. Charles Schumer (D-NY) was forced to change course when an unredacted copy landed on his desk this week.

“This document does not contain the incriminating evidence we anticipated,” the Senator complained. “We are not assuaged. Let me remind everyone that President Trump is known to have made dozens of phone calls everyday. In order to put this one phone call in context we will need to see transcripts of all the calls he has made or received since his election. Only then will the pattern of his criminal and tyrannical abuse of office be exposed to the scrutiny of the American voters.”

Schumer rejected objections that his call for transcripts would impede future presidents’ ability to conduct confidential conversations with world leaders, saying that “my request is limited to only this president and, possibly, any future Republican president. Democratic presidents have demonstrated that they can be trusted to engage in secret conversations without endangering the country, the Constitution, or our laws. We had nothing to fear when Obama was president and will have nothing to fear when Warren, Sanders, Biden or whoever wins the office in November 2020.”

In related news, Rep. Adam Schiff claimed an “ability to read between the lines of the transcript” where he says he discovered the phrases “give him an offer he can’t refuse,” “ it was Barzini all along,” and “leave the gun, take the cannoli.” “We have a mob boss as our president,” Schiff shrieked. “We’ve got to take this guy out for the good of the country. It’s the only way to preserve our democracy.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Candidate Comes Out Against Meat and Autos

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

In a bid to outflank his Democratic presidential rivals, entrepreneur Andrew Yang vowed to “severely curtail the consumption of meat” and “do away with privately owned and operated automobiles.”

Yang contrasted “my honesty with the deceptive presentations of the other Democrats running for president. Their implication that all it will take to battle climate doom is to tax the rich and tout this as the height of virtue won’t cut it. There isn’t enough money in the hands of rich people to pay for the kind of gut-wrenching changes in behavior that are required. Ninety-nine percent of the population is not rich. These are the people who will have to make the necessary sacrifices if we hope to save the planet.”

The candidate’s “two-pronged approach would entail measures like higher taxes and strict regulations to price meat out of the budget for ordinary consumers and outlawing private citizens from owning automobiles. The ‘impossible burger’ invented by Burger King shows how those who crave the taste of meat can be satisfied with veggie patties. The emergence of driver-less vehicles shows how an ‘Uber-type’ fleet could serve all needs for individualized travel.”

Yang tried to reassure everyone that “important travel by important persons like government officers would, of course, be accommodated by having automobiles set aside for their exclusive use. Likewise, meat, while prohibitively expensive for most, would still be available for crucial occasions like state dinners with foreign dignitaries.”

GOP Candidate Seeks Votes of Fellow Pessimists

Former Rep. Joe Walsh (R-Ill) says he wants to give voters who, like himself, have given up on America a choice in the 2020 election. “The Republican Party has become unrecognizable to me since Donald Trump has become president,” Walsh complained. “He has turned the venerable party of convivial losers into bare-knuckle brawlers vying for control of the government against our estimable friends on the other side.”

Walsh says he is “particularly disturbed by the interruption of the transformation set in motion by former President Obama. Trump has unleashed an uncomfortable acceleration in economic growth that threatens to scramble social classes. Minorities that have been successfully controlled by economy-stagnating federal policies and sedating welfare benefits are being lured into degrading wage-slavery and the uppity attitudes that inevitably follow from self-sufficiency. I’m running to offer Republican voters a chance to veto this dangerous u-turn from the comfortable trajectory we were on a scant three years ago.”

Presidential Candidate Drops Out

New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio has dropped out of the race for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination, blaming “the ingratitude of Democratic voters for the unique perspectives I’ve brought to the campaign.”

Among the “unique” perspectives cited by the Mayor were “the overlooked progress I’ve made in converting New York into a model society. I’ve championed efforts to unlink compensation from work or achievement. My programs have gone a long way toward enhancing the habitat for urban vermin and allowed their populations to increase. San Francisco and Los Angeles have been garnering most of the headlines and few Democrats are aware of the leadership I’ve demonstrated in this area.”

De Blasio also blamed President Trump for “unfairly ignoring New York and hyping the west coast cities. Our taxes are at least as high. Our rats are among the biggest in the country. Mentally deranged humans roam freely throughout the streets. We have driven more capitalist exploiters out of the state than any other city in America. It is shameful that as a native New Yorker himself Trump has chosen to boost the accomplishments of California to our detriment.”

As if to rub it in, this week the Trump Administration filed a “Notice of Environment Violation” against San Francisco citing the runoff from human feces and used syringes deposited on the streets by the homeless. San Francisco Mayor London Breed called the move “an intrusion on our sovereign right to govern this city as we see fit. If voters become displeased with what we’re doing they can elect someone else.” The Trump Administration also rebuffed a Los Angeles appeal for federal aid to assist its homeless program, arguing that “it would be unfair to tax the whole nation for the expense of cleaning up a mess caused by poor local policies. Excreting bodily waste onto the streets is illegal. Taking dangerous drugs is illegal. Harassing passersby demanding handouts is illegal. If the City were to make a genuine effort to enforce the law and still needs federal assistance then we could talk.”

Buttigieg Tries to Appear More “Moderate”

Angling to position himself as a “moderate” in hopes of garnering the votes of Democrats alarmed by the continuing incoherence of doddering “moderate” former Vice-President Joe Biden, South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg took a swipe at rival candidate Sen. Elizabeth Warren’s “extremely evasive” stance on her Medicare for all health plan.

“Did you see her on the Colbert show?” the Mayor asked. “When a loyal progressive like Colbert is left mystified by how she plans to pay for this extravaganza everyone should be concerned. It’s looking more like her ‘plan for that’ meme is to promise the undeliverable and obscure the massive costs by simply ignoring them. At least Sen. Sanders admits that his virtually identical plan requires middle-class tax hikes.”

In a similar vein, Buttigieg sought to differentiate himself from LBTG extremists by alleging his “disgust with the flagrantly outrageous flaunting of stereotypical ‘gay’ lifestyles, garish costumes, and clownish antics. It smears us normal gays who want a more traditional life of marriage and children by implying that all gays are self-destructive social misfits.”

In related news, Buttigieg worried that “the most tragic outcome stemming from the discovery of more than 2,000 bodies of aborted babies found in the home of Dr. Ulrich Klopfer after his recent death would be for women to alter their decision to abort an unwanted child. In the big scheme of things, the idiosyncratic hoarding of fetal remains by Klopfer is a minor concern when juxtaposed to the tremendous health benefits of the procedure.”

Sanders Supports Asylum for Climate Refugees

Democratic presidential contender Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders says he is “positively disposed to accepting climate change refugees into this country. Many rich people have multiple residences in different parts of the United States or the world where they can go when the weather is bad. Poor people deserve this same option.”

Sanders suggested that “we create a line item in the federal budget to fund the transportation and lodging costs of anyone who wants to come to America because of the climate in their country of origin. It’s not fair that these people should be forced to endure uncomfortable living conditions just because they were unlucky enough to be born in a foreign land where air conditioning is unavailable or unaffordable. It is their human right to live where they please. It is our obligation to enforce this universal human right.”

To put your money where his mouth is, the Senator unveiled his $2.5 trillion “Housing for All” plan. “Responsible societies don’t let anyone suffer from lack of adequate housing,” he contended. “Governments have a solemn obligation to provide this necessity for everyone who can’t afford it.”

The enormous cost of his plan is due to Sanders’ insistence that “we need to go beyond the stark kinds of public housing we’ve been offering and give the poor the kinds of amenities that the middle class has—a nice house in a good neighborhood with good public schools and a low crime rate.” The prognosis for this plan is not favorable. Middle class neighborhoods are “good” because the inhabitants have to work hard to make them that way. With their own money on the line houses tend to be more well-maintained than the heavily subsidized housing government provides for persons unable or unwilling to work to sustain their cost of living. The absence of this incentive in the Sanders plan works against its intended beneficence.

Clinton Accuses Trump of Election Violation

Former Secretary of State and loser to Trump in the 2016 presidential election Hillary Clinton called reports that President Trump had spoken with a Ukrainian leader “collusion with a foreign power to help him win an election.” Her charge was sparked by an unconfirmed report that Trump has suggested that Ukraine “take a look at a boast by then Vice-President Joe Biden that his threat to cancel US aid to Ukraine persuaded that government to drop an investigation into a questionable business deal between Biden’s son and a Ukrainian company.

While it is plausible to posit that evidence of corruption involving Biden could help Trump in a future election in which the two were opposing candidates, it is also plausible to posit that potentially corrupt deals aided by overt extortion might be worthy of a more thorough examination. Nevertheless, an irate and vengeful Clinton demanded that Trump’s phone call be added to “the list of impeachable offenses being amassed by the House of Representatives.”

Clinton contrasted “Trump’s abuse of presidential authority” with her 2016 “campaign’s honest purchase of damaging intelligence” compiled by former British spy Christopher Steele. “We used contributions freely given by private individuals who supported my election. There was no misuse of government authority to try to sway an election. And even if there were, I didn’t win so I can’t be impeached. Besides, there is also the issue of double jeopardy. Since my husband was impeached and acquitted, under the law of community property if I ever become president I would be immune to impeachment.”

Trump Cash to Be Added to Impeachment Inquiry

A photo of President Trump boarding Air Force One with a wad of twenty-dollars bills in his back pocket has spurred new charges of impropriety on his part. House Judiciary Committee Chairman Jerry Nadler (D-NY) wondered “why would a president need to carry cash around? The standard practice for previous presidents was to order some nearby underling to pay for whatever he needs. Trump’s deviation raises serious questions about his fitness for the job.”

For his part, Trump claims that “the cash is for tips. When a working person does me a service I like to tip him. That’s what I’ve always done. I can’t imagine why a president should expect someone else to pay the tip or to not give one. Tips make up a significant part of the income for many jobs. I don’t think it’s right to stiff these people.”

Nadler wasn’t swayed by the president’s explanation, saying that “I could see carrying some singles or loose change if tipping were the real purpose. A twenty is too much. I wouldn’t rule out the possibility that Trump is attempting to buy the votes of these working people by feigning generosity with his own money. It’s the Democratic Party that champions the working man. Trump seems to be trespassing where he doesn’t belong.”

The Congressman also called the startling increases in employment achieved since Trump became president “suspicious. I think we can see a pattern here insidiously designed to overturn norms that have prevailed since the 1930s. This blatant attempt to alienate the affection of working people for the Democratic Party has ominous implications for the future of this country. We have an obligation to thoroughly investigate that to see if there is a political motivation behind it.”

In related news, an alternative to impeachment was envisioned by comedian Shane Gillis. Fresh off his ouster as a cast member of Saturday Night Live for the upcoming season, he told an audience foolish enough to pay good money to see his act that “of all the presidents I’ve been alive for, Trump would definitely be the funniest one to see get shot. He’d definitely make a funny noise when he got hit.” Gillis lamented that “I wasn’t alive when Reagan was shot, but I probably would’ve thought that was pretty funny too.”

Obama Mocks Trump’s TV Watching

Former president, and current Netflix TV show producer, Barack Obama mocked President Trump’s TV viewing habit, calling it “unpresidential and unnecessary. Presidents have a multitude of aides and advisers whose jobs are to keep him informed about all the important things going on. Trying to go it alone is wasted effort. He should just sit back and enjoy the perks. The government can pretty much run on its own without the president having to lift a finger.”

Obama also admitted that “I don’t watch TV. Most of it is crap. The so-called news shows are as phony as WWF wrestling. You know, everybody’s got their role to play. Only idiots would rely on TV to tell them what’s going on in the world. Apparently and sadly, Trump seems to be one of them.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Highlights of the September Dem Presidential Debate

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Further evidence that the roster of competitors for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination has no worthy candidates was exhibited as ten contenders offered their insane and tyrannical policy proposals in front of cheering Party faithful in Houston on Thursday.

So-called “moderate” former Vice-President Joe Biden asserted that “nobody should be in jail for a nonviolent crime. So some guy sneaks into your house and steals your stuff. Maybe he has a greater need for it than you do. Why should he go to prison for that? Chances are that most of these types of theft result in a more equal distribution of wealth. Isn’t that what all of us Democrats here tonight have been advocating? Granted, it would be more orderly for everyone to cooperate with our party’s plan to lawfully redistribute money, but we ought not punish those whose only fault is impatience.”

Former Texas Rep. Beto O’Rourke swears he will confiscate guns, saying “the current system where any law-abiding private citizen can own a firearm is f***ed up. So, Hell yes, I will end this travesty. The notion that citizens should have arms in order to deter the government from trampling their freedom is out-dated. Our government is a democracy. That means it represents the people. By definition, no action it takes after being voted into office can be tyrannical. Anyone who opposes government actions is a terrorist. Terrorists must be disarmed. If necessary, I will order US troops to go door-to-door to retrieve any guns not voluntarily surrendered. That is my pledge to the American people.”

Massachusetts Sen. Elizabeth Warren promised that “On my first day as president, I will sign an executive order that puts a total moratorium on all new fossil fuel leases for drilling offshore and on public lands. And I will ban fracking—everywhere. No business will be permitted to produce a product that consumers willingly buy if I determine that it is unnecessary. Historically, fossil fuels have led to too many bad habits. These include unnecessary travel that produces traffic jams and air pollution, excessive heating and cooling of buildings when simple reliance on appropriate garments would have sufficed, and lack of the kind of health benefits that daily exercise could have achieved if modern conveniences powered by electricity were unavailable.”

South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg asserted that “Trump’s attempts to limit immigration and build a wall to deter people from illegally entering the country are racist. Any voter who supports these policies is a racist. I agree with the Pope that every person in the world has a God-given right to emigrate to wherever he or she wants to live. We have no right to refuse to share the bounty that has been bestowed on us with anyone else who wants it. Most Americans have far more material possessions than they need or deserve. As the most devout Christian in this race, I am determined to see that these possessions are more equitably distributed to those in need.”

California Sen. Kamala Harris denounced local police, claiming that “they just harass people and take up space in poorer sections of our cities. I think we need to experiment with letting people in these neighborhoods police themselves. I’m confident that locals would arise and provide a kind of ‘street justice’ that would be more easily understood by the residents and enforced with less violence once the city police have been barred from these areas. The cumbersome process of arrest, trial, and incarceration would be displaced by a more efficient system.”

Former HUD Secretary Julian Castro accused Biden of being “a doddering fool” who is “incapable of completing a coherent thought without contradicting yourself halfway through your first sentence.” A gasp from the audience emboldened Biden to remark that “my mouth may run ahead of my brain sometimes, but at least I don’t have to stand on a box to try to convince myself that I’m big enough for the job of president.”

Meanwhile, excluded candidate Marianne Williamson inadvertently expressed her off-the-record mystification that “conservatives treat me nicer than the lefties do. My fellow Democrats are so mean.” After her observation was leaked to the media, Williamson was quick to absolve her fellow leftists by blaming “the negative aura that surrounds Trump for my bizarre earlier statement.” Despite this attempt to correct her thinking, it is not likely that she will be forgiven by her comrades in the Democratic Party.

California Set to Outlaw Independent Truckers

Democratic Gov. Gavin Newsom has said he will sign legislation that the California Trucking Association claims “will put tens of thousands of owner-operator truckers, who service agriculture, retail and other industry sectors, out of business.”

Newsom called owner-operated trucking “a no longer needed vestige of the past. I know that there is a certain kind of nostalgia for these modern day ‘cowboys’ driving goods around the state. But in the progressive future we envision for our state and the nation independent truckers are outside of the role required for a socially cooperative model of how the economy should operate. It should not be up to individual buyers and sellers to reach agreements on prices and routes for transporting commodities. Ideally, these determinations should be made by the government in order to ensure that resources are properly allocated to the most useful purposes.”

The governor tried to reassure independent truckers who have invested large sums to buy and operate their vehicles that “the government will purchase their trucks and hire the drivers to work as unionized employees. We will be converting them from being small-time capitalists into unionized members of a statewide drivers’ collective. They will be guaranteed fair wages and be relieved of the risks and uncertainties of independent operations.”

In other California news, Democrats in the California Senate gave party-line approval to a resolution demanding people of faith in the state change how they teach, preach, and counsel others related to LGBT identities and behaviors. Assemblyman Evan Low (D-San Jose), author of the resolution, argued that “our efforts to mold people’s minds to our way of thinking should not have to tolerate insidious and systemic contradictions from the pulpits of the state’s churches. Everyone needs to be on the same page if we are to overturn outmoded thinking about sex and gender.” Low admitted that “the current resolution doesn’t outlaw deviant preaching, per se. It is our hope that we can spark voluntary compliance and not have to go the route taken by the Chinese government to directly control religious doctrine via threat of punishment.”

GOP Pushes “Born Alive” Bill

After enduring more than 80 rejected requests for a hearing on their “Born-Alive Abortion Survivors Protection Act” bill, Republicans in the House of Representatives held their own “hearing” to call attention to their effort to pass this legislation. The legislation would require medical personnel engaged in performing abortions to render aid to any baby that survives the attempt to kill him or her.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) explained that “it is pointless for us to have hearings on a bill that will never be enacted. Our Democratic Caucus has already decided that once a woman has decided to abort her baby there should be no legal impediment to achieving the desired outcome. The fact that a small fraction of those targeted for termination accidentally escape the death that has been decreed for them doesn’t change the moral equation. No woman should have to endure the fate of unwillingly bringing another person into the world. Republican arguments that these abortion survivors could be raised by adoptive parents still inflicts the aborting mother with an unwanted inheritor of her genes existing somewhere in the world. This is wrong. We can never abide allowing the right to an abortion to be undermined in this way.”

Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Bernie Sanders praised Pelosi for “a courageous decision to uphold the principles of democratic socialism. The world is already severely overpopulated with wanted children. There is no good reason to add to this excess by saving the lives of children who are unwanted. Our progressive efforts to encourage women in Africa and Asia to abort more of their offspring would be muddled if we allow this Republican legislative monstrosity to take root in the United States.”

Dem Criticizes Bill of Rights

House Majority Whip James Clyburn (D-SC) says the Bill of Rights in the Constitution “does more harm than good in today’s society. When I see how people are abusing the Second Amendment. No telling what they’d do with the First Amendment. I think there would be a strong support against the Bill of Rights. I run into people every day who would like to see so much of those guarantees uprooted.”

The whip said he was “pleased to see such overwhelming support for severely restricting the right to bear arms from all of our Democratic presidential candidates. This unanimity stems from a perception of solid majorities who will vote for candidates who will take guns away from private citizens for their own good. In an ideal world, only the government would have firearms. This would greatly reduce unauthorized shootings while simultaneously reassuring armed government agents that resistance to their authority would be futile.”

“While the abuse of freedom of speech doesn’t have the immediate fatal impact that abuse of the right to bear arms does, the potential long-term consequences are just as concerning,” Clyburn added. “As we saw in Germany, the hate-filled speeches of a lone lunatic led to a worldwide conflict that cost the lives of millions. We have the technology now to police the statements of everyone in the country and can nip any bad ideas in the bud. We shouldn’t have to put up with the kind of anti-government views that seem to continually emanate from the right-wingers in our midst. I think if it were put on the ballot, voters would approve sensible censorship aimed at suppressing unacceptable political points of view.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. This post is also available on Facebook

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

CNN Climate Debate Publicizes Democrats’ Dictatorial Impulses

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

The seven-hour marathon Democrat town hall on climate change broadcast by CNN gave free rein to the worst impulses of the presidential contenders who participated. Even those who couldn’t participate chimed in later with their own coercive schemes designed to radically transform and impoverish everyone in order to save the planet from a vividly imagined doom that lies just over the horizon.

Sen. Elizabeth Warren (Mass) vowed to ban all fossil fuels by the year 2035. She characterized her plan as “more practical and merciful than Sen. Sanders’ plan to nationalize all the power companies. On the one hand, we all know that government-owned businesses are terribly inefficient. Poorly motivated employees hog-tied by oppressive bureaucratic red tape are a recipe for failure. My approach would mercifully kill off the fossil fuel industry and free up those currently employed to pursue more environmentally-friendly occupations like gathering fruits, nuts, and wild herbs.”

Former Vice-President Joe Biden correctly observed that China is the world’s largest contributor to the type of emissions that are linked to global warming and chided his rivals for overlooking this fact. He went on to promise that “one of my first acts as president will be to appoint my son Hunter to negotiate with the Chinese. He already has substantial business interests in China and has made many contacts. Hopefully we can revive the comity that existed between our two countries when Barack was president.”

Former Rep. Beto O’Rourke (Tx) warned that “our communities will soon be uninhabitable. Look at what’s going on in Los Angeles, San Francisco and Seattle. Rising global temperatures are sapping the energy of those in the homeless encampments to the extent that many are too weak to make it to the public lavatories provided for them and are forced to shit in the street just outside of their tents. These people are our ‘canaries in the coal mine.’ We ignore them at our peril.” O’Rourke went on to advise “constructing wind turbines at 100-yard intervals in every city to replace fossil fuels and cool overheated tent cities,” insisting that “the $100 trillion estimated cost would be money well-spent.”

Sen. Kamala Harris (Calif) says she will impose a “climate pollution tax against everyone who uses fossil fuels. This will dramatically increase the cost of using these fuels and encourage more conservation. People will travel and consume less. The $10 trillion raised by this levy will enable the government to make wiser uses of these resources than would be the case if the money were left in the irresponsible hands of selfish individuals.”

Sen. Bernie Sanders (Vt) advocated a radical population reduction program in which “the U.S. government provides a generous subsidy to the poor in Africa and Asia who are willing to abort their children. This will nip the demand for the material excesses that tempt people to engage in behaviors that harm the planet. I would combine this with the ingenious suggestion made by Swedish behavioral scientist Magnus Söderlund that we curb the demand for flatulence-emitting cattle by eating the corpses of people who have died. I expect that aborted fetuses would be especially tender and in high demand in the future we progressives are trying to build.”

All of the Democratic candidates firmly opposed fracking and nuclear power despite their positive impact on reducing carbon dioxide emissions. Sen. Cory Booker (NJ) explained that “shifting demand toward cleaner energy that’s affordable relieves people from making the kind of sacrifices we feel they need to make. Suffering for a great cause like slowing global warming brings people together. It’s uplifting and spiritually satisfying. We reject the GOP’s determination to deny this opportunity to the American population.”

South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg seconded Booker’s take, saying that “climate change is our generation’s World War II. Just as the free world banded together to fight fascism, we deserve the opportunity to band together to fight global warming. Just as the American people gave up many of their rights during WWII, Americans of today should look forward to reliving that effort and that era against today’s even greater threat of climate change.”

The CNN event inspired a tweet from President Trump mocking his Democratic rivals. “I thought that the event would be totally boring. The monotony of having to listen to these candidates’ drone on was every bit as dull as I expected. However, the repetition of insane and destructive policies from one-after-another of the would-be future presidents should persuade voters who love this country that none of these lunatics should ever be given the power that they crave.”

Senator Calls for More Censorship

Sen. Ron Wyden, (D-OR) threatened CEO Mark Zuckerberg with incarceration if he doesn’t do a better job of censoring the content posted on Facebook. “I know Mr. Zuckerberg thinks he’s done enough with his algorithms that dampen access to content that deviates from acceptable parameters of political discussion,” Wyden said. “He fears to go further due to the First Amendment’s protection of freedom of speech. But I want to remind him that it is not within his purview to determine the boundaries of freedom of speech.”

“The First Amendment is what creates the biggest opportunity for hate speech,” the Senator asserted. “People who previously had no affordable way of communicating their anti-progressive ideas can now reach millions via social media. Tech companies need to be far more vigorous about identifying, fingerprinting, and blocking content from these individuals. If these companies can’t do this their executives need to be fined or imprisoned.”

Smollett Lawyers Blame Police for Believing Jussie

Lawyers for “Empire” actor Jussie Smollett seek to avoid him paying for the $130,000 cost of investigating his claim that he was attacked by racists wearing “Make America Great Again” hats, by asserting that “it was the police’s fault for taking him serious.”

“Jussie’s story was so implausible that only an idiot wouldn’t have realized that it was bogus,” claimed Abe Aweasel, Smollett’s lead attorney. “The alleged after midnight assault on one of the coldest nights of the year by two white men in a black neighborhood was risible on its face. Add to this the fact that Jussie was unharmed and his Subway sandwich fully intact and it is clear that no investigation should’ve been undertaken.”

“The 1800 hours of police work that ensued was an incompetent waste of city resources,” Aweasel pointed out. “The attempt to collect the cost of this incompetence from our client is, itself, a racist assault on this troubled young man. The damage to his acting career from the revelation that the assault was a hoax will cost our client millions of dollars in future earnings. Mr. Smollett is the aggrieved party here and a counter suit to recover these lost earnings is fully warranted.”

Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot is expected to drop demands for compensation from Smollett on the grounds that “as a gay black man Jussie has already suffered enough from the poisonous racism and homophobia he has had to face all his life. In my review of the facts of the case I have to say that the humongous police effort on this case was not warranted. While they may have bent over backward to try to placate his initial accusation, simple common sense should have dissuaded them from doing any more than taking down his incoherent statement and putting it in the file.”

Candidate Takes Credit for Averting Hurricane Disaster

Democratic presidential candidate Marianne Williamson took credit for enabling the United States to avoid the type of destruction Hurricane Dorian wreaked on the Bahamas.

“While others have been quick to dismiss my campaign based on the power of love, it should be clear by now that I am the one candidate who is on the right track for healing this country,” Williamson boasted. “A few days ago I called for all those who love America to concentrate their thoughts on diverting Dorian from damaging the United States. While we were not completely successful, I am pleased to note that both the path of the storm and its intensity were dramatically altered by our efforts.”

The candidate contrasted the fate of the Bahamas, where 75% of the homes were submerged by the hurricane’s sea surge, to the much milder impacts observed on the United States’ east coast. “I regret that my brain power wasn’t able to save the Bahamas,” she said. “We probably could have done better if I were already the US president. I could have used the ‘bully pulpit’ of the presidency to recruit more people to focus their minds on abating the hurricane at an earlier stage and saved many more lives.”

Williamson compared “my unquestionably positive approach with Sen. Sanders’ crusty chastisement of people who live near the ocean, calling them ‘the architects of their own fate.’ Well, no one should be forced to be the architect of their own fate. All humanity needs to act as a single unit to guide everyone to the happiness promised all by the Declaration of Independence.”

SF Declares NRA “Terrorist Organization”

The San Francisco Board of Supervisors unanimously approved a resolution designating the National Rifle Association a “domestic terrorist organization.” While the NRA has taken no actions to terrorize anyone, District 2 Supervisor Catherine Stefani maintained that “their continued support for the Second Amendment is terrifying to me. The idea that every American should have the right to own a gun despite the government’s preference that they not, undermines respect for authority.”

Stefani characterized the NRA’s position as “an anachronism. At one time firearms were a very useful tool for bagging game and feeding the family. But now they are unnecessary. Even if we were to concede that eating meat is an acceptable dietary choice, we have supermarkets to supply this commodity.”

Stefani rejected the contention that the right to bear arms could be a valid check on government, saying “the so-called tyranny that sparked the American Revolution was a reasonable government effort to preserve order and obedience. If the British had succeeded in seizing the weapons stashed at Concord, Massachusetts the rebellion would have been averted, lives spared, and we’d still be enjoying the liberties currently allowed to all British subjects. Though we lost that opportunity back in 1776, I see no need to repeat the mistake of trying to preserve a means of resisting duly appointed authorities in today’s America. Clearly then, the NRA is as much of a terrorist threat as the so-called Sons of Liberty were so long ago.”

Former Housing and Urban Development (HUD) Secretary and current 2020 Democratic presidential candidate Julian Castro hailed the San Francisco action, calling it “a shining example for others to follow. The notion that our government could ever become tyrannical is absurd. Our government is a democracy. All of its laws and regulations are inherently legitimate enactments of the people. If the government decides to confiscate firearms that would be the people’s will and, consequently, not tyrannical.”

Castro’s assurance that the US government could never become tyrannical was cast into doubt by the US Department of Justice’s demand that Apple and Google hand over the names and phone numbers of 10,000 individuals who downloaded of Obsidian 4, a rifle scope app, from one or the other of the websites.

In related news, Maine has been named the safest state in America since the enactment of a “Constitutional Carry” law in 2015 that allowed residents to carry a concealed firearm without having to have a permit. In second place is Vermont, which is also a “constitutional carry” state.

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Kerry Announces Potential Deal with Iran

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

This week, former secretary of state for the Obama Administration John Kerry announced that he has negotiated a deal to reduce tensions between Iran and the United States.

“It was tough going,” Kerry admitted. “The unrelenting hostility of the Trump Administration toward Iran made that country’s leaders very skeptical of the possibility of ever getting to a satisfactory relationship with America. Nevertheless, after weeks of heart-to-heart talks, I was finally able to hammer out a plan to reestablish a path to restore the amicable relationship we had when I was secretary of state.”

“The terms are simple and easily attainable,” Kerry said. “All the United States government has to do to get back on Iran’s good side is revoke the sanctions imposed by President Trump, sincerely repent this act of aggression, and bow down to the Iranian Government. This is a small price to pay for the eternal peace that will follow from joining the umma.”

Kerry insisted that the terms he negotiated were “not a capitulation. Iran is magnanimously willing to waive the traditional demand of conversion to Islam and will permit a modest annual jizya payment to compensate Iran for the cost of protecting Americans from the righteous slaughter that the Quran prescribes for unbelievers.”

CNN’s Chris Cuomo called Kerry’s initiative “courageous and historic,” but was “not optimistic concerning its fate under Trump” because of “the President’s racism and hatred toward foreigners. Kerry’s deal would essentially reestablish the deal that President Obama previously agreed to. The bowing down performed by President Obama was barely noticeable to most Americans and the jizya payments were very affordable. However, since Trump unilaterally rejected the Obama deal I can’t see him coming to his senses now. It will be up to voters to show their support for the previous policies by electing a Democrat president in 2020.”

Biden Insists Mangled Story “Not a Gaffe”

A story that former Vice-President Joe Biden tried to tell during a New Hampshire campaign stop in which he got virtually every detail wrong—the time, the location, the act, the medal, the military branch, the rank of the hero, and his own role in the ceremony–”was not a gaffe,” he insisted.

“Look, in every war heroic actions are taken by somebody, somewhere, at some time,” Biden pointed out. “Does it really matter whether it was a soldier or sailor? Does it really matter what his or her rank was? The point is that medals for bravery are given out and I was at one of these ceremonies during my term as vice-president. This is why voters should support my campaign to be the next president.”

The former Veep went on to accuse the Trump campaign of “using this kind of hate speech against me in order to divert attention from his cruelty toward children. In none of his campaign appearances has Trump ever caressed the shoulders, sniffed the hair, or whispered in the ear of any child. He demonstrates indifference toward these young people. I, on the other hand, make sure I give youngsters the attention that shows I have the insight to sense their craving for the type of physical contact that assures them I can be trusted to do whatever it takes to make them feel good about themselves and America.”

In related news, candidate for the 2020 Democratic Party’s presidential nomination Massachusetts Sen. Elizabeth Warren vowed she “won’t let Trump get ‘handsy’ with me in the debates like he did with Hillary in 2016.” While there is no evidence that Trump ever laid a hand on Sec. Clinton in any of their televised debates, Warren insisted that “neither is there any evidence that he colluded with Russia or obstructed justice, but we all know that he did. Moral certainty must trump facts when it comes to making as important a decision as who will be the next president of the United States.”

Comey Demands Apology

Fired FBI Director James Comey demanded an apology after an inspector General’s report failed to recommend charges be filed against him for illegally leaking confidential FBI memos to the media. While President Trump tweeted that “Comey was thoroughly disgraced by the IG’s report,” Comey maintains that “I was exonerated. I was also pleased to see that the ‘Comey precedent’ that was established when I exonerated Hillary Clinton for her careless handling of classified material guided the Department of Justice decision to not press charges against me.”

“In a truly just world, I would, like former Secretary of State Clinton, now receive the covert assistance of the FBI, CIA and Department of Justice in an effort to help me win the 2020 presidential election,” Comey opined. “If the intelligence community could go so far out of its way to try to elect an outsider like Clinton, they ought be full-throttle in support of one of their own.”

Comey denied that his dream of covert intelligence community support for him to be president was unrealistic, pointing out that “Putin was a KGB operative before he became president of Russia. I would think that it should be obvious that not having an experienced member of the intelligence community at the top puts the United States at a distinct disadvantage compared to our chief geopolitical rivals. Overcoming this disadvantage should be our top strategic objective at this point in history.”

In related news, it appears that Clinton’s careless handling of classified emails resulted in “blind ccs” of 30,000 messages were transmitted to “carterheavyindustries@gmail.com.” Carter Heavy Industries is a company operating in China. A spokesperson for Sec. Clinton speaking “off-the-record” explained that “this automatic forwarding of the Secretary of State’s emails was part of the Obama Administration’s efforts to build a stronger alliance with the Chinese government. Those who want to characterize it as illegitimate are overlooking the fact that it was done with the full knowledge and consent of President Obama.”

Sanders Praises China’s Progress in Addressing Poverty

Democratic presidential contender Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vt) praised the Chinese government for making “more progress in addressing extreme poverty than any country in the history of civilization. While it is unfortunate that millions had to die in order to achieve these results, we shouldn’t let bourgeois prejudices totally blind us to the positive aspects of their accomplishments. Sometimes harsh methods are required to do hard tasks.”

“If a country as backward as China was decides to sacrifice tens of millions of people now so that hundreds of millions may prosper later, can we really say that a wrong has been done?” Sanders asked. “And let’s not overlook the environmental benefits of lessening population growth. Every new human life taxes the planet’s resources and pollutes nature. Every human life eliminated reduces these evils. I think we should learn from China’s experiences, imitate their successes and try to avoid their failures.”

“My main beef with China is that it has relied on top-down authoritarian dictatorship to govern,” Sanders complained. “I think everyone would be more comfortable with a democratic socialist, bottom-up method of making the kinds of decisions needed. If sacrifices are required the mechanism that I prefer is democratic decision making. If the elected representatives of the people determine that some must sacrifice for the benefit of the collective whole, that is a morally just decision. We can still get to the promised land that Marx predicted, but do it by democratic means. Citizens will more willingly accept democratically arrived at decisions and there will be less need to repress the selfish individuals who resist the march of history toward true communism.”

In related news, Sanders lost the vote of San Francisco restaurant owner John Konstin for “being rude and cranky” during a campaign stop at his eatery. Bernie was unmoved by the owner’s complaint saying “my being here with my 15 aides brought him a lot of free publicity. I shouldn’t also have to be nice to his waiters. It’s his obligation to be nice to me. When I’m president he’ll wish he were. Presidents have ways of repaying those who help or hurt them after they win an election.”

Feces Removal Called “Racist”

The leftist utopia city of Seattle, like its sister cities San Francisco and Los Angeles, has a human feces problem. The homeless encampments that clog numerous public open spaces yield a daily deposit of thousands of new human turds on the streets and sidewalks. Almost everyone is bothered by this. However, a proposal to clean up the mess has been labeled “racist” by Councilman Larry Gossett.

Gossett pointed out that “a disproportionate share of the homeless population are minorities. I wonder if we would be so quick to criticize if these deposits were being made by whites? The power-washing that has been proposed will inconvenience the homeless residents. How many of us on the Council would tolerate city employees coming into our homes and power-washing our bathrooms?”

The councilman also observed that “using power-hoses to intimidate those demonstrating for equal rights was a key tactic of whites repressing blacks during the 1960s. I think the optics of using power-washing the feces will do more damage to our community than the alleged health threat of open-air defecation ever could.”

In an effort to generate a compromise solution, council member Claudia Balducci suggested deploying “social workers to pick up the droppings and carry them away in plastic bags. If dog-walkers can accomplish this task, why wouldn’t that work? Beat cops could accompany the social workers to protect them from assaults by the homeless residents.”

The city council was unable to agree upon an approach, citing cost as a major impediment. “This is a national problem, not a local problem,” Gossett maintained. “We shouldn’t be penalized just because the homeless choose to live in our great city. The feds need to provide funding to offset this cost. If FEMA can send aid for hurricane relief, they can send aid to us.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Buttigieg Blames Trump for Mental Illness

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Democratic presidential candidate, South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg latched on to what he characterized as “the irony of Trump’s insistence that mental illness is the key source of mass shootings when it is his policies that are generating the mental stress that pushes these people over the edge.”

“Let’s consider two examples,” Buttigieg suggested. “First, Trump’s economic policies have resulted in record numbers of people being employed. Work is one of the major sources of stress in a person’s life. The regimentation of the nine-to-five workday rat race dramatically reduces the amount of free time available to an individual. We shouldn’t be surprised if this spurs murderous impulses.”

“Second, Trump’s moves to decrease the frequency of abortions condemns individuals suffering from unwanted pregnancies to bear an increased risk of being burdened with parenting responsibilities they’d rather not have,” the Mayor asserted. “The ensuing surge in unwanted lives foments the anger that could easily inspire outbursts of homicidal rage.”

“If I am elected president I will reverse both of these policies,” he promised. “I will ratchet up taxes to dampen the economic expansion that has snared so many into wage-slavery. I will restore full federal funding for abortions and ensure that there are no restrictions as to who, how, or when they may be performed.”

In a more philosophic addendum to his remarks, the candidate cited a recent article written by Marcie Bianco in which she argued that “heterosexuality is just not working.” “The big downside of heterosexuality is that it is too easy to conceive a child,” Buttigieg observed. “Homosexual pairings do not bear this same level of risk. My husband and I will never be victimized by an unwanted pregnancy. Now that in vitro fertilization methods are available we have the means for evolving away from the accidental route to parenthood. The expensive, complex and arduous steps required will guarantee that only the most committed will become parents. I think full federal funding for this is the natural corollary for unrestricted abortion.”

In related news, Buttigieg pledged to “cut incarceration in half without increasing the crime rate. The key will be to decriminalize a lot of the offenses for which the current inmates have been imprisoned. We can start by eliminating all drug laws. Next in line would be to decriminalize all thefts in which the amount stolen is less than $1,000. Third would be the confiscation of all guns. Logically, if no one had a gun the entire category of armed robbery would be abolished.” Skeptics questioned the Mayor’s reasoning, pointing out that South Bend, the city he governs, has a crime rate more than twice the national average.

Sanders Demands Prosecution of Fossil Fuel Executives

Socialist presidential contender Sen. Bernie Sanders (Vt) vowed to “criminally prosecute the men who run the fossil fuel corporations that are wrecking the environment. The claim that they are merely giving their customers what they want—the fuel to cool and heat their homes and power the factories that produce merchandise and the fuel to power their cars and to truck the merchandise from factory to market—is the same type of claim that Al Capone used to justify his bootlegging.”

“It’s time for saner heads to make the hard decisions required to save the planet,” Sanders said. “We need to wean people off the idea that they should get what they want. Under democratic socialism the government will determine what is best for everyone. That’s why my $16 trillion green new deal calls for all resources to be controlled by the government. Only then can we ensure that these resources will be invested for the best purposes.”

Sanders rejected objections citing Venezuela’s socialist failures as a cautionary warning against the policies he is proposing, saying that “the claim that Venezuela’s approach has failed is a myth concocted by capitalists. That country has dramatically reduced its carbon footprint. Fossil fuel consumption has plummeted. Food that was previously discarded has been rescued from the dump and consumed. I see no reason why the United States cannot achieve similar results from a fully implemented green new deal.”

The senator rebuffed contentions that without the fossil fuels that his green new deal would eliminate air travel would be impossible. “First of all, a lot of the air travel we have now is unnecessary,” he argued. “A small reserve of fuel should be sufficient to sustain crucial government air travel. Candidates for federal office would still be allotted enough fuel to make necessary campaign stops. The unavailability of fuel for nonessential travel would spur innovations. I heard some interesting ideas on how gliders could be used to provide a modicum of air travel for non-government individuals. The only glitch is getting these vehicles airborne. But I remember as a kid using a rubber band to launch my mini-glider. Perhaps this could be adapted for larger craft.”

Meanwhile, Sanders has called for abolishing “right-to-work” laws, saying that “only capitalist oppressors would tout such a ‘right.’ Work is a burden. Government ought to relieve as many people of this burden as possible. When I am president only the rich will have the right to work. Everyone else will have the right to a fair share of the wealth created by those who are working.”

San Francisco Redefines Crime

Not content with the degradation of the city stemming from a lawless homeless population shooting up with drugs and defecating in the streets, the City’s Board of Supervisors has undertaken a scheme to define crime out of existence. “Terms such as ‘offender,’ ‘delinquent,’ ‘convicted felon,’ and ‘thief,’ will be replaced by less pejorative terminology,” said Supervisor Matt Haney.

“In place of these hurtful words we will heretofore use terms like ‘behavioral nonconformist,’ ‘naughty young person,’ ‘justice-involved individual,’ and ‘unlicensed income re-distributor,’” Haney promised. “Our aim is to avoid ruining lives by stigmatizing individuals in ways that would damage their reputations. Ideally, a lot of behavior that is currently illegal would be legalized and promote a greater tolerance for the eccentricities of some of our more colorful fellow residents.”

Meanwhile, the City of Baltimore has discontinued its aerial crime surveillance plane. The surveillance was fully funded by philanthropists John and Laura Arnold and cost the city nothing. Baltimore Police Department spokesperson Matt Jablow explained that “the feeling was that the program was inhibiting some of the City’s residents from carrying out their normal day-to-day activities.” Since Baltimore’s murder rate of 55.77 per 100,000 inhabitants is second-highest in the nation (only St. Louis at 66.07 is higher), perhaps inhibiting some residents’ normal activities would be a good thing.

In related news, NBC reporter Mike Viqueira took issue with President “Trump’s insistence on blaming shooters for the murders they commit. Those of us who cover these stories know that the shooters are often just as much a victim as those they kill. Many shoot themselves after they’re done shooting others. Shooters who survive have their lives ruined by lengthy prison sentences. And unlike Trump, we also know that if no one had a gun these shootings would never take place. The only thing that needs to be resolved is how to ensure that no one has access to firearms. Until we reach that state we know the massacres will continue.”

On the other hand, research has shown that guns in the hands of private citizens have prevented 400,000 life-threatening crimes per year and that 60% of convicted felons say they avoid targeting potential victims who they know are carrying firearms.

Biden Calls for Doubling Capital Gains Tax Rate

Alleging that “it was Reagan’s unwarranted tax cuts that led to the assassinations of Bobby Kennedy and Dr. Martin Luther King in the 1970s,” Democratic presidential candidate, former Vice-President Joe Biden called for “a doubling of the capital gains tax rate.”

“Trump is taking this country down that same disastrous path,” Biden claimed. “The tax cuts and deregulation he crammed down America’s throat have unleashed the same explosion of prosperity and greed that characterized that tragic earlier era. We must elect Democrats to avoid repeating these earlier mistakes.”

The former Veep vowed that “if I’m your next president, I will work with my good friends Sen. Byrd and Sen. Eastland to build a consensus for sensible tax reform that all Americans can support.”

In related news, Dr. Neal Kassell, the man who performed brain surgery on Biden in 1988 maintains that “he is every bit as sharp as he was 31 years ago. I haven’t seen any change.” The more than four decades of continued incoherence emanating from Biden both before and after the surgery validates Dr. Kassell’s assessment.

Trump Alienating Allies

Former Democratic presidential candidate Rep. Eric Swalwell (Calif) assailed President Trump for “alienating our allies to such an extent that they may not come to our aid should we be attacked.”

“A prime cause of the alienation was Trump’s bullying them to honor their NATO military commitments,” Swalwell contended. “This reversed decades of bi-partisan policy that looked the other way when our allies fell short of meeting their obligations. This bi-partisan policy built an enormous amount of good will that Trump has squandered.”

Swalwell rejected the idea that without meeting the NATO military obligations the so-called allies would not be in a position to come to our aide, saying that “physically, that might be true, but there is also the moral support aspect. As former President Obama pointed out, words matter. Realistically, words are about all we should expect in terms of support from these guys. They couldn’t fully defend themselves from the Nazis. They couldn’t have repelled a Soviet invasion on their own. They currently can’t even defend themselves from invasion by unarmed immigrants from Africa and the Middle East. The only aid they could provide for us is words of encouragement. That aid is what Trump has foolishly squandered.”

In related news, German Chancellor Angela Merkel demanded that other members of the European Union resume efforts to assist the invasion of these immigrants. “We’re caught between a rock and a hard place,” Merkel lamented. “If we don’t assist them we face immediate terror attacks. If we do, we may be able to avert these attacks by acquiescing to a more gradual demographic conquest, the consequences of which might be postponed for a decade or more.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Castro Defends Doxxing Trump Supporters

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

This week, Rep. Joaquin Castro (D-Tex), campaign manager for presidential candidate former Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Julian Castro, tweeted the names and places of employment for 44 San Antonio citizens who donated to President Trump’s campaign. The easily foreseeable consequence that these people would be harassed and threatened by left-wing loons quickly came to pass. Nevertheless, Castro lamely claimed that “it was not my intention to harass anyone. I just wanted everyone to think twice before they give any support to our racist President.”

Apprised of the harassment incidents—one woman received an obscenity-laced voice mail labeling her a “scumbag racist who should f*** yourself,” a business owner received 25 phone calls calling him a “racist” who should “burn in Hell”—Rep. Castro shrugged it off saying that “actions have consequences. If you donate to a white supremacist you should expect every decent person to hate you.”

It turns out that six of the doxxed Trump donors also donated to either to Rep. Castro’s congressional campaign and/or Sec. Castro’s presidential campaign. Rep. Castro brushed this aside, characterizing it as “a timely warning of traitors within the ranks of the democratic socialist movement. People need to understand that they are either with us or against us. They can’t hope to save their necks by straddling the gap between good and evil for a few thousand dollars in donations. When my brother becomes president we will purge society of all nonbelievers so we can unify the country in our march toward social justice for all.”

Biden Campaign Picks Up Steam

At an Iowa Democratic presidential campaign event, former Vice-President Joe Biden electrified an enthusiastic crowd of supporters by assuring them that “poor kids are just as bright and just as talented as white kids. They may not pay attention in school or get good grades, but many in our urban areas have shown entrepreneurial promise by establishing thriving small drug distribution businesses that have overcome the daunting opposition of the police and the law. This, not diplomas on the wall, is the kind of action that makes America great.”

Biden also tried to bolster confidence in Democratic electoral success by emphasizing that “we choose truth over facts. Republicans are fond of boasting about economic statistics showing rising wages and lower unemployment, but they overlook the toll that effort takes on a person’s psyche. Democrats know that the true path to happiness comes from reducing stress. Our plan to have the government play the leading role in the redistribution of wealth will reduce stress by guaranteeing a decent standard of living to everyone. Those who want to work will be permitted to continue working. Those who don’t will be free to enjoy the leisure previously restricted to the wealthy. This truth will triumph over the out-dated facts the GOP uses to oppress the middle class.”

Twitter Freezes/Unfreezes McConnell Account

This week, a menacing crowd assembled outside Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell’s home in an explicit effort to disrupt his convalescence after a fall broke his shoulder. Their activities included round-the-clock shouting of obscenities, demanding that “someone should stab him in the heart,” and chanting “murder Turtle”—a nickname political opponents have given the Senator.

In an attempt to document this harassment, a video of the crowd’s behavior was posted on McConnell’s Twitter account. Twitter froze McConnell’s account and demanded that the video be removed. Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey explained that “the foul language in the video violates our standards.” McConnell’s reply pointing out that the foul language emanated from his harassers failed to sway Dorsey.

Dorsey called McConnell’s action “an invasion of privacy and an attempt to chill freedom of speech. The people outside his house were standing on a public street. The Supreme Court has ruled that foul language is protected speech. The demonstrators didn’t agree to be videoed. Clearly, the Senator is in the wrong here. We had every right to ban his video.”

It was only after Republicans vowed to stop buying ads on Twitter that the firm reversed its action and unfroze McConnell’s account. “Sometimes being right isn’t enough,” Dorsey complained. “The financial extortion being applied by these enemies of democracy has forced us to yield to injustice. Some will say that a business as big as ours could easily get by without their ad revenues. However, if you want to be a billion-dollar corporation you’ve got to grab every dollar you can. As long as we’re forced to operate under capitalism that’s how we have to compete. Hopefully, a Democratic win in the 2020 election will usher in a different economic system.”

CNN Talking Head Calls for Trump Supporters to Be Eradicated

CNN’s Reza Aslan called “Trump’s supporters—ALL OF THEM—white nationalist terror supporters” who “must be eradicated from society.” Aslan insisted he wasn’t advocating violence: “I’m not necessarily saying they should be murdered in death camps as some have suggested. I think we go the re-education route that has been successfully employed by China. If we seize their wealth that would clip their wings. Then, if they can learn to keep quiet and behave themselves I see no need for their physical elimination.”

Meanwhile, fliers urging that Trump supporters be sent to death camps were posted at various locations throughout Long Island, NY. The Shock Theater Collective said the fliers are “part of a promotional effort advertising Shock Theater’s special summer show: “We the People.” The show’s plot features Trump supporters being terrorized. Spokesman Rodney Montgomery says “we’re using horror to bring a message of unity.”

Fired FBI Goons Sue

Former FBI employees—Deputy Director Andrew McCabe and Special Agent Peter Strzok—are suing the federal government, alleging that they were improperly fired from their jobs.

McCabe contends that his firing was politically motivated. “President Trump wrongfully ordered my dismissal solely on the grounds that my efforts to prevent his election and undermine his presidency were not appropriate actions for a man in my position to take,” McCabe said. “The orders I received to undertake the actions I took came down from duly appointed authorities in the FBI and DOJ. This includes the specific instruction to illegally leak classified information intended to mobilize voters to vote against Trump in the 2016 election. Getting fired for being a loyal follower of those above me in the chain of command was a moral atrocity.”

Strzok contends that “the evidence gathered against me was illegally obtained without my consent. The government should have known that I would use the phone issued to me for private communications with Ms. Page. The revelation that many of these communications exposed my virulent animosity toward Trump invaded my privacy. That animosity was characterized as compromising my credibility as an investigator. That was unfair. All of us working with Director Comey and then Special Counsel Mueller shared the same animosity toward Trump. That I was singled out and made a scapegoat was manifestly unjust.”

Despite being fired a year ago, Strzok is a frequent visitor to FBI headquarters, meets with high-level DOJ brass at a location across the street from the FBI headquarters, and still retains his top secret security clearance. His case has been assigned to Judge Amy Berman Jackson of the United States District Court for the District of Columbia. Jackson was appointed by President Obama and is expected to order Strzok reinstated with back pay and full pension rights. Perhaps McCabe will be equally “lucky” when his case is assigned to a judge.

Dem Presidential Candidate Follies

On the campaign trail this week the struggle for the Democratic presidential nomination continued to generate loony ideas.

New Jersey Sen Cory Booker’s campaign director for New Hampshire, Erin Turmelle, demanded an end to Trump rallies, calling them “a breeding ground for racism and bigotry. They are despicable and have no place in New Hampshire, or anywhere in our country. That’s why Trump must cancel all future rallies.” She rejected criticism calling the demand a violation of Trump’s freedom of speech, saying that “there is no freedom for hate speech” and suggested that Trump “campaign like a normal Republican candidate. He could learn a lot about decorum from the model presidential campaigns waged by Sen. McCain and former Massachusetts Gov. Romney.”

Former Texas Rep. Beto O’Rourke canceled a previously planned campaign trip to Iowa and is headed to Mexico “because there are more f***ing votes there than there are in Iowa. I’ll be meeting with Chihuahua Governor Javier Corral Jurado and Ciudad Juárez Mayor Armando Cabada to discuss ways to get more voters across the border before the 2020 election. It’s the best way to ensure that the murderous bastard Trump is defeated.”

Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders promised to institute food rationing if he is elected president, claiming it “will serve the dual purposes of fighting obesity and saving the environment.” The Senator laughed at charges that his plan will lead to shortages. “Shortages are a feature, not a defect of my plan. It is only by controlling food intake that we can assure that every American has a healthy diet. Lower food consumption will allow more farmland to revert back to a natural state. That will help the environment. Making people wait in line to receive their food allotment will help keep them from making trouble. And the shared suffering will unite the country under a regime of greater equality. I say if Venezuela can do it so can we.”

Massachusetts Sen. Elizabeth Warren called President Trump “a white supremacist who has done everything in his power to stir up racial conflict and hatred in this country. After two of his followers massacred dozens in El Paso and Dayton last weekend he failed to admit guilt. Instead, he tried to place the blame on the shooters, calling them deranged madmen.” Unfortunately for the Senator’s narrative, the Dayton madman was a registered Democrat who described himself as a leftist and looked forward to voting for Warren and a socialist America.

California Sen. Kamala Harris vowed to send armed men door-to-door to confiscate firearms should she be elected president. “The Second Amendment is out-dated BS,” she asserted. “The days of needing a gun to ward off predatory animals or marauding Indians are long gone. Most of these animals are on the endangered species list and the Indians have been pacified. History has shown that when the only legal guns are in the hands of the government, homicides committed by private citizens go way down. The population is also more docile and the laws are almost universally obeyed. This is the future we can have in America if progressive candidates prevail in 2020.”

Newspaper Criticizes Volunteers Who Cleaned Up City

After President Trump pointed out the rat-infested piles of trash strewn around Baltimore, a group of 100 volunteers conducted a massive clean-up effort. Though tons of trash were removed at no cost to the City’s inhabitants, the Baltimore Sun newspaper derided the volunteers.

While conceding that Baltimore is cleaner and healthier as a result of the voluntary clean-up, the paper’s editors found fault with the fact that the person who organized the clean-up is a Trump supporter. “If it had been anyone else, we would’ve been okay with it,” the editors wrote. “But having a Trump supporter do a good deed conflicts with the narrative that the President and his followers are a malevolent force in our nation. Undermining this narrative has a far greater negative impact on the ultimate objective of ousting this man from office than the petty gain of improving the lives of those living in our City’s slums.”

“The invasion of these good Samaritans and the quick results achieved also mocks the City Government’s indolence and ineffectiveness,” the editors added. “This lends credibility to President Trump’s charge that the government has wasted billions of dollars in aid received from the feds. The comments of slum dwellers thanking the volunteers and President Trump for inspiring their efforts presages an ominous desertion of minority voters from the Democratic Party. This threatens the progressive future this newspaper has been pushing for the City and America. Our only consolation is that the inhabitants of these slums are likely to undo the clean-up in a very short period of time and return their neighborhoods to their normal decayed and decrepit state.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

NY Bans Arming Teachers

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Despite a study by the Crime Prevention Research Center showing that nearly 90 percent of the mass shootings in America occur in “gun-free zones,” the New York legislature has just enacted a law that bans schools from allowing teachers licensed to carry firearms to bring their weapons onto school grounds.

Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D) characterized the new law as a “nonproliferation measure. The answer to gun violence never will be more guns. The notion that a so-called ‘good guy with a gun’ is an appropriate response to deter a so-called ‘bad guy with a gun’ is absurd. Teachers aren’t qualified to assess the motives of shooters who target students. Arming them would turn schools into free-fire zones and potentially result in increased casualties. It is better for students, teachers, and staff to hunker down and wait for police to arrive.”

Waiting for police to arrive was a key factor in the high casualty figures in the mass shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Florida last year. Nevertheless, sponsor of the New York legislation State Senator Todd Kaminsky (D-Long Island) averred that “it is better to endure a massacre that to have teachers dirty their hands by shedding the blood of a deranged assailant. After all, two wrongs don’t make a right. Innocent victims die with a clear conscience. Combatants violate the ‘thou shall not kill’ commandment.”

Harris Blames Russia

Contender for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination Sen. Kamala Harris (Calif) blamed Russia for the criticism leveled against her by rival contender Rep. Tulsi Gabbard (Hawaii) at the debate on Wednesday. Gabbard charged that as California Attorney General Harris cruelly prosecuted and incarcerated more than 1500 persons for mere possession of marijuana, even though Harris herself boasted of smoking weed during her college years. Gabbard also accused Harris of withholding exculpatory evidence in a case that put a man on death row.

While the facts support Gabbard’s charges, Harris complained that “Gabbard isn’t smart enough to have discovered these things on her own. She must have had help from the Russians. Haven’t the Russians already done sufficient damage to our democracy by helping Trump win in 2016? Are we going to stand by and allow them to advance the candidacy of a person with zero to one percent support in the polls by attacking the most qualified candidate running for president?”

Man Makes $1,000/Weekend Panhandling

In an effort to boost his flagging hopes, presidential candidate former Rep. Beto O’Rourke (D-Tex) glommed onto the case of an Abilene man as an example of “a more humane economic policy than the work-work-work model that President Trump has been imposing on our country.”

In Abilene, an individual posing as a wheelchair-bound homeless man has been raking in an average of $1,000 per week begging for money at the intersection of Hwy 83/84 and FM 707 every Saturday and Sunday. The man is neither disabled nor homeless. He characterizes his activity as “street theater. I play a part and my audience rewards me for my performance.”

O’Rourke praised “the creative ingenuity that can serve as an example of how individuals can pull themselves up by their own bootstraps and enjoy a better life. It’s not entirely unlike my own story where I’ve played the part of a trans-Latino and been rewarded by voters electing me to Congress for my performance. We have millions of street corners in America where others can emulate this man. It’s less confining than a regular job. A person is his own boss. He can set his own hours. He can enjoy more leisure time.”

The former Congressman vowed “to establish a program to train others on how to exploit this virtually untapped opportunity if I’m fortunate enough to be elected president in 2020.”

Candidate Advocates Christian Government

Democratic presidential candidate South Bend, Indiana Mayor Pete Buttigieg lambasted Christians for supporting President Trump.

“Trump makes a big show of supporting religious freedom, but ignores Christian obligations,” the Mayor said. “It was Jesus who pointed out that money was the domain of Caesar and that it was our obligation to render it unto Caesar. Well, in this day and age ‘Caesar’ is the government. It is our obligation to hand over our money to the government so it can do the charitable work that Jesus asked us to do. But what has Trump done? He’s pushed a tax cut through Congress that reduces the amount of money that the government takes out of our income.”

“Worse, Trump has initiated policies that encourage people to take jobs they’d rather not take,” Buttigieg complained. “The number of people receiving unemployment benefits has declined under his administration. So has the number of people on food stamps. If we want to be true to our Christian values we should support pooling all of the country’s wealth so the government can assure a fair distribution to all of God’s children.”

“Squad” Members Endorse Violence

In an interview on Ebro in the Morning, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) asserted that “marginalized people have no choice but to riot. Republicans say that people should get jobs to support themselves. But the jobs available may not offer adequate compensation. The only fair option is to take what you need by force. Typically this means looting retail stores. The saner policy is for the government to seize the wealth withheld by the capitalist oppressors and redistribute it to those in need.”

Meanwhile, the Minnesota congressional district served by Rep. Ilhan Omar (D), leads the nation in volunteers joining the Islamic jihad against unbelievers. Omar defended this pattern, calling it “an exercise of the religious freedom guaranteed by the US Constitution. Muslims have a religious obligation to fight for the spread of the faith. If unbelievers won’t voluntarily convert it is our duty to force them to submit and pay the jizya or be slain. I have the privilege of working within the government to pursue this objective. Others on the outside must have the freedom to do some things until all the world is for Allah.”

Wages Rise for 99 Percent of Workers

According to the Bureau of Economic Analysis (BEA), 99% of those employed have seen wages rise since Trump became president. The gains have positively impacted all demographic and ethnic groups.

Democratic presidential contender Sen. Elizabeth Warren (Mass), whose campaign is founded on the claim that Trump’s policies have “devastated the economy,” pointed out that “the benefits haven’t been uniform. For one, 99% isn’t everyone. Using the BEA’s figures, 1% of those in the workforce have not seen wages increase. And those outside the workforce don’t receive any benefit from wage increases.”

Warren went on to say that “to combat these lopsided and blatantly inequitable results my Green New Deal plan calls for higher taxes on those who have benefited and redistribution to those who haven’t. Those who are able to work must share their gains with those in need. In theory, they should do this out of a sense of moral obligation. Practically, though, history has shown that government has had to use force to achieve universal compliance. I am the only candidate who has a plan to make that happen.”

However, a study, released by the Competitive Enterprise Institute estimated that her Green New Deal plan would cost the average household at least $70,000 in the first year of its roll out, and $250,000 over five years—an amount that Warren insists “is a bargain compared to the alternative of the runaway prosperity and environmental catastrophe that will result from Trump’s policies.”

Trump Criticism of Baltimore Assailed

President Trump’s criticism of the rampant crime, corruption and filth that pervades the City of Baltimore was characterized as “racist” by his political opponents in the Democratic Party and the media.

Though Rep. Elijah Cummings (D-Md) had previously made similar criticisms of the city, he took offense at “the president’s insensitive remarks. It is one thing for those of us who have had to suffer the decades of misgovernment to complain. It is quite another for a white outsider to dare to expose it to the world. That’s racist.”

Trump pointed out that “Cummings has represented the worst portions of Baltimore for more than 20 years in Congress. Yet, conditions in his district are worse than when he started. Last year, the federal government provided $16 billion in aid to try to improve living conditions in Baltimore. Where has this money gone? Why hasn’t the garbage been cleaned up and the rats exterminated? Why haven’t the criminals been arrested?”

Cummings brushed off Trump’s criticisms by reminding him that “it was the last three mayors who stole the City’s money. I am not the one responsible for their corruption. I am not the one who has tied the hands of the police. My job has been to lobby for more federal aid to the City—an effort that has largely been successful.”

The president was not impressed by Cummings’ attempt to doge responsibility. “He knew the Democrat mayors were corrupt,” Trump observed. “Yet he made no effort to rein-in their embezzlement. Instead, he acted as an agent for the transfer of taxpayers’ money out of the federal treasury and into their corrupt hands. He has abetted theft and ignored his duty to serve his constituents.”

Despite all the assertions that Trump is a racist, a study published by the University of Pennsylvania found that contrary to the media narrative, white racial prejudice against African Americans and Hispanic Americans has declined since Trump’s election.

Senator Smuggles Illegal Across Border

Sen. Ron Wyden (D-Ore) personally aided the illegal entry of a pregnant immigrant “so she can have her anchor baby in the United States, as is her right.”

Wyden called international boundaries “unnatural impediments to the free migration of people and wildlife. It is everyone’s human right to live wherever they wish. It is our obligation to admit them and provide them with everything they need to enjoy the kind of life they desire. This includes free health care, food, housing, and spending money for the extras—cell phones, high-def cable TV, vacations, fashionable clothing—that make life more enjoyable.”

The Senator also called for “expeditious naturalization so they will have the political heft to sustain their benefits via voting for representative who will maintain and augment these benefits. Ideally, this woman and her compatriots will vote for me in my 2020 reelection bid.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. This post is also available on Facebook.

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