NYC Mayor Wants to Remove Jefferson Statue

By: John Semmens

Mayor Bill de Blasio has asked the City’s Public Design Commission to authorize the removal of a statue of Thomas Jefferson from City Hall’s Council chambers where it has stood for the past 187 years.

“It’s not just the fact that Jefferson owned slaves,” de Blasio argued. “It’s also the insidiously anti-social phrase ‘unalienable rights’ that he snuck into the Declaration of Independence that undermine the power of the people to democratically replace individualism with collectivism. As this past two years of pandemic should have taught us, life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness conflict with the social discipline required to protect the public health. We shouldn’t be honoring a man who urged Americans to resist government authority because it interfered with their individual rights. In the socially progress America we are building there is no such thing as individual rights.”

The Mayor suggested that “the spot vacated by the removal of Jefferson’s statue could be filled with a statue of someone like Fidel Castro. He was a man that tolerated no opposition to his drive to build socialism in Cuba. Seeing such a statue would provide a more appropriate model to guide the City Council toward the kind of transformation of society that former President Obama envisioned and that current President Biden is now trying to implement as he replaces the stagnant obsolescence of legislative debate and lawmaking with the efficiency of governance by executive order.”

Biden’s Plan to Protect Us from Climate Crisis

By: John Semmens

Alleging that “Americans need more government to protect them from a systemic climate crisis,” President Biden announced “a new battle line will be formed across all financial institutions. This battle line will require these institutions to scrutinize customer accounts to determine if the investments and expenditures are sufficiently environmentally friendly to be permitted.”

“Those holding investments that seek to profit from environmentally dangerous products like fossil fuels will be ordered to divest these assets,” Biden proclaimed. “Those seeking to purchase environmentally dangerous products like gasoline, natural gas, or heating oil will have their transactions blocked. While skeptics will say these goals are unattainable, the portion of our plan that will replace cash with a fully digitized monetary system will give financial institutions the leverage needed to ensure our plan’s success.”

Vice-President Harris acknowledged that “over the short term this will mean that the economy will be stunted. Over the long term the money saved by rejecting fossil fuel as an energy source can be redirected into a vigorous green energy alternative. The divested holdings in fossil fuel companies will be channeled into solar and wind power options. Nominally, the shares in these green energy producers will still be owned by individual investors, but the Department of Energy (DOE) will be instructing the financial institutions managing these assets how to redeploy the funds. On the purchase side of the equation, purchases using debit and credit cards will only be allowed to buy products the DOE has decreed to be environmentally safe.”

School Boards Want Biden to Declare Parents “Terrorists”

By: John Semmens

Fed up with parents’ complaints about what schools are teaching their children, the National School Boards Association (NSBA) requested that President Biden add these parents to the terror watch list. In addition to the usual parent complaints about the inferior quality of the education, their children are getting are objections to some questionable content in the curriculum—like critical race theory, pornography, sexually explicit role-playing, and book burning.

NSBA President Viola Garcia insisted that “parents lack the expertise to decide what lessons their children should be taught. Professional educators need the autonomy to make these decisions for the parents. Parents who don’t understand this invade our school board meetings and badger us with objections to what we’re doing to their kids. This has got to stop.”

Garcia suggested that “the President should use his power as ruler of America to order these parents to cease and desist. If he can order employers to fire employees who won’t get vaccinated he can order the employers of these parents to fire them if they don’t stop terrorizing education professionals at these public meetings. What we hope the President will realize is that the type of parent who does these things is the same kind of person as those who tried to overthrow the government on January 6. They should be dealt with just as firmly and be made to pay a price for their discredited views.”

Former governor of Virginia and current candidate for another term, Terry McAuliffe agreed with the NSBA complaint, saying that “parents should pipedown and stay out of the schools’ way. They haven’t got the brains to handle the complex tasks of educating their children. That’s why parents send their kids to school. They need to just let the schools do their job as they see fit. If I’m reelected to another stint in the governor’s chair I’ll issue an executive order ensuring that teachers are free to teach whatever the school board tells them to teach and barring parents from interfering.”

Premier Vows to “Crush” the Unvaccinated

By: John Semmens

Weary of all the complaints against her draconian lockdowns because of a minuscule COVID death toll, New South Wales state Premier Gladys Berejiklian vowed that “life for these disobedient lowlifes can be made very difficult and I am the one who will make it so.”

“What these vaccine protesters fail to realize is that they are a tiny minority,” Berejiklian said. “The employers will enforce my edict to fire everyone who refuses to be vaccinated. The Pubs, cafes, gyms and hairdressers will refuse service to anyone who is not vaccinated. Police will beat them if they go outside their homes. Their friends and neighbors will shun them. There will be nowhere they can go and nothing they can do to escape my iron rule.”

Unfortunately for the Premier, her dreams of unlimited autocratic power have been sidelined by a probe undertaken by the Independent Commission Against Corruption (ICAC). It seems that Berejiklian was in a secret sexual liaison with a state legislator who is the main focus of its corruption investigation. The Premier has elected to resign from office “to prove my integrity.”

Meanwhile, the Canadian Medical Association is calling for lockdowns in Alberta and Saskatchewan “to stem the tide of COVID. We have seen what the courageous leaders in Australia have done to try to halt COVID there. If we similarly confine everyone to their homes and have the police beat anyone who ventures out we can drastically reduce the opportunity for the infection to spread. The key is to prevent as much person-to-person contact and interaction as we can.”

The insanity of coercing everyone to be vaccinated is amply illustrated by the latest data from the United Kingdom. While there are roughly as many vaccinated as unvaccinated COVID patients, the case fatality rates are 0.08% for the unvaccinated and 0.40% for the vaccinated. This means that the unvaccinated have a 99.92% survival rate and the vaccinated have a 99.6% survival rate. Clearly, the COVID Reaper has a very small scythe.

Cheney Apologizes to Milley

During a House Armed Services Committee hearing about the U.S.’s withdrawal from Afghanistan, Rep. Liz Cheney (R-Wy) apologized for her fellow Republicans’ “despicable questioning” of Gen. Mark Milley.

“My Republican colleagues would have the American people believe that the General’s efforts to undermine former President Trump were a violation of his duty to the Commander-in-Chief,” Cheney said. “Well, when the Commander-in-Chief was Donald Trump the only sane thing for a patriot to do was to oppose him in any way possible.”

“Gen. Milley’s covert machination with House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) to circumvent the chain of command was a valiant attempt to stop a madman from destroying the country,” Cheney asserted. “Likewise, the General’s efforts to seek military assistance from China in case it was needed to thwart an unprovoked US attack on that country was both courageous and prudent.”

“The real threat to this country comes from the right-wing lunatics who put Trump into office in the 2016 election,” Cheney declared. “These lunatics are the ones who tried to overthrow our democracy on January 6. They are the ones we need to counter with every resource we have. This includes the skills of a general like Milley who can lead our troops to victory over the enemy within.”

In related news, Press Secretary Jen Psaki explained the disparity in treatment between Marine Lt. Col. Stuart Scheller and Gen. Milley—one is in prison and the other is giving interviews to book authors—as “a matter of sovereign prerogative. The President has an absolute right to discipline the members of the armed forces as he sees fit. In his eyes, Lt. Col. Scheller’s criticism of our withdrawal from Afghanistan—calling our extraordinary success a fiasco—was a blatant lie. In contrast, he felt Gen. Milley’s betrayal of former president Trump was fully warranted. Congress showed it approves of the disparate treatment by rejecting a Republican proposal that would have freed Scheller.”

Cheney Apologizes to Milley

During a House Armed Services Committee hearing about the U.S.’s withdrawal from Afghanistan, Rep. Liz Cheney (R-Wy) apologized for her fellow Republicans’ “despicable questioning” of Gen. Mark Milley.

“My Republican colleagues would have the American people believe that the General’s efforts to undermine former President Trump were a violation of his duty to the Commander-in-Chief,” Cheney said. “Well, when the Commander-in-Chief was Donald Trump the only sane thing for a patriot to do was to oppose him in any way possible.”

“Gen. Milley’s covert machination with House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) to circumvent the chain of command was a valiant attempt to stop a madman from destroying the country,” Cheney asserted. “Likewise, the General’s efforts to seek military assistance from China in case it was needed to thwart an unprovoked US attack on that country was both courageous and prudent.”

“The real threat to this country comes from the right-wing lunatics who put Trump into office in the 2016 election,” Cheney declared. “These lunatics are the ones who tried to overthrow our democracy on January 6. They are the ones we need to counter with every resource we have. This includes the skills of a general like Milley who can lead our troops to victory over the enemy within.”

In related news, Press Secretary Jen Psaki explained the disparity in treatment between Marine Lt. Col. Stuart Scheller and Gen. Milley—one is in prison and the other is giving interviews to book authors—as “a matter of sovereign prerogative. The President has an absolute right to discipline the members of the armed forces as he sees fit. In his eyes, Lt. Col. Scheller’s criticism of our withdrawal from Afghanistan—calling our extraordinary success a fiasco—was a blatant lie. In contrast, he felt Gen. Milley’s betrayal of former president Trump was fully warranted. Congress showed it approves of the disparate treatment by rejecting a Republican proposal that would have freed Scheller.”

Whistleblower Suspended

By: John Semmens

Judi O’Malley, a registered nurse with the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (HHS), has been suspended from her duties while the agency investigates “actions that appear to conflict with the Department’s essential mission.”

O’Malley is the nurse who recorded an undercover video at the Phoenix Indian Medical Center in Arizona exposing fraud and corruption regarding the COVID vaccine shots. The video prompted the Indian Medical Center to launch its own investigation.

HHS Secretary Xavier Becerra explained that “Ms. O’Malley’s self-appointed mission to promote and advocate for informed consent, medical freedom and to expose corruption is not in her official job description. Employees of the Department are expected to hew to the tasks assigned to them by management. Her rogue exposé casts the Department and its policies in a bad light. Her criticism of our vaccination program and her advocacy of medical freedom are in direct conflict with the President of the United States objectives.”

Becerra also objected to Rep. Paul Gosar’s (R-AZ) complaint that “we are engaged in a cover-up of the medical center’s pressure on patients to not report adverse reactions to the COVID injections and not seek damages for injuries they’ve suffered. Mr. Gosar wouldn’t even have known anything about this if Ms. O’Malley hadn’t used underhanded methods to generate a video log of conversations that were meant to be private.”

“Our attorney is confident that her covertly obtained evidence will be thrown out just as Mr. Daleiden’s covertly obtained recordings of Planned Parenthood’s illegal sale of aborted baby parts were thrown out,” Becerra boasted. “Perhaps Ms. O’Malley is not aware that a jury ordered Mr. Daleiden to pay $2 million in damages to Planned Parenthood for invasion of privacy. Her personal crusade may cost her far more than just her job.”

“Eff Joe Biden” Meme Disputed

By: John Semmens

The eruption of crowds chanting “Eff Joe Biden” that has been sweeping the nation at sporting events eventually confronted the President during his recent trip to Michigan where he praised the tyrannical Gov. Gretchen Whitmer as “the best governor in America.” Unsurprisingly, the President characterized this phenomenon as “false and misleading. Everyone knows that the people love me. Eighty-one million of them voted for me. That’s more votes than any other president has ever gotten. The chants of a debunked minority cannot refute the series of accomplishments that I’ve rolled up since I took office.”

Recent polls cast some doubt on Biden’s assertion that “the people love me.” In the Rasmussen Daily Presidential Tracking Poll, Biden’s job approval is at 43% and disapproval at 56%. Twenty-three percent “strongly approve” and 47% “strongly disapprove.” This gives him a net approval index of minus 24%. The Quinnipiac University poll on specific issues shows disapproval rates of 50% for his response to covid, 55% for his handling of the economy, 58% for his performance as Commander-in-Chief, and 67% for his immigration policies.

Press Secretary Jen Psaki defended her boss by pointing out that “the Rasmussen poll also shows that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi is viewed favorably by only 35% and unfavorably by 60%. She’s doing worse with the voters than the President is. Just the other day, MSNBC anchorman Brian Williams laid blame for the President’s plunging poll numbers where it belongs—on the ‘really crappy reporting we’ve been doing in the media. We have a duty to protect the President from naysayers and critics, but haven’t been as diligent as we should be in suppressing negative misinformation.’”

In related news, at a speech in Illinois, Biden bragged about “using my personal magnetism to help a good friend of mine cut in line ahead of others at a Pennsylvania hospital emergency room. I just called and said this is Joe Biden. You know, I grew up in Pennsylvania. I’d like you to do me a favor…I didn’t even have to mention I am the President of the United States. This is just one more example of how I’ve been getting things done for the American people since I’ve been President.”

Socialists Assail Moderates

By: John Semmens

The reluctance of Sen. Kyrsten Sinema (D-AZ) and Sen. Joe Manchin (D-WVA) to support the Biden Administration’s $3.5 trillion spending bill has led to sustained attacks on them.

Sen, Bernie Sanders (S-Vt) declared that “two senators have no right to sabotage what we want. We are, in the Russian vernacular, the Bolsheviks—the majority. You know, Lenin had the same sort of problem with the Menshiviks—the minority—when he was establishing the dictatorship of the proletariat back in 1917.”

Thus far, Sinema has faced the worse harassment as a gang of leftists chased her from a class she was teaching at Arizona State University into the women’s restroom where they photographed her entering a stall. Manchin was accosted by kayakers outside the houseboat he lives on in Washington.

President Biden called the harassment “part of the process. It happens to everyone who doesn’t have Secret Service guards accompany them everywhere they go. If you don’t want to be accosted or followed you need to get yourself elected president like I did.”

CNN’s Ana Navarro said that “while I don’t think its appropriate to chase anyone into a bathroom, I kind of think that Senator Sinema has only herself to blame. If she were loyal to the Party this wouldn’t have had to happen to her.”

Sinema called the harassment “an illegitimate protest. I respect the free speech rights of those who disagree with me, but engaging in illegal activities such as gaining entry to closed university buildings, disrupting learning environments, and filming people in a restroom are not part of these rights.”

Sanders wared that “Sen. Sinema’s effort to resist our attempts to bring her back into the fold is ill-advised. She would be better off confessing her crimes and taking whatever punishment the Party doles out to her, like Zinoviev, Kamenev, and many others did back in 1936.”

New Immigration Enforcement Guidelines

By: John Semmens

Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security, Alejandro Mayorkas, announced new immigration enforcement guidelines for dealing with those who have illegally entered the country, saying “given the flood of border-crossers, the President has determined that it is impractical to try to enforce the laws as written. There are just too many lawbreakers. He has authorized us to focus on deporting those who pose a security threat. The rest will be dispersed around the country on their own recognizance until they decide to appear in court for their cases to be heard.”

The chief security threats mentioned by the Secretary were “actions or connections to white supremacy groups, possession or expression of disunifying ideas, and vaccine resistance. These are the flash points identified by the FBI, the President himself, and Dr. Fauci.” Mayorkas brushed aside reports of actual Islamic terrorists using our southern border as an access point, calling them “unproven. Until we see bombs going off or massacres erupting in public spaces, I think we can dismiss the fear that jihadi terrorism is a real threat. If anything, attacks from these people would be more likely to unify Americans behind the President.”

Mayorkas went on to point out that “20% of the border-crossers have tested positive for COVID. This is a much higher level of infection than we have here in America. The release of these immigrants should help persuade more Americans to get vaccinated. So in that sense, it is a positive influence for reducing vaccine hesitancy within the country.”

“The President made it clear to me that I am to use my discretion rather than robotically adhering to the existing statutes,” the Secretary added. “He considers the vast majority of those in the country illegally are a positive addition to our nation’s strength and that it would be foolhardy to yank away the welcome mat he laid down during his election campaign. He promised them sanctuary and that’s what he wants me to help him achieve.”

Why Everyone Must Be Vaccinated

By: John Semmens

In a speech in Elk Grove, Illinois, President Biden explained why everyone must be vaccinated against covid. Biden contended that “breakthrough cases of covid in those fully vaccinated only occur because they are infected by the unvaccinated. The unvaccinated serve as a reservoir in which the virus survives until it can infect another host. The best way to eliminate this reservoir is to eliminate the unvaccinated hosts.”

The President claimed that “mandating that everyone be vaccinated is a more merciful option than the culling of the herd that some of my advisors have urged. Granted, euthanizing the infected and burning their corpses is a time-tested method for saving the majority of the population in a livestock pandemic. However, thanks to the development of the covid vaccines we have the opportunity to choose a less lethal remedy for ending this plague.”

Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ken) called Biden’s reasoning “unscientific. The breakthrough cases are evidence that those receiving the vaccines are not getting the promised protection from covid. In fact, there have been more reported covid fatalities this year than there were in 2020 when no vaccines were available. It is illogical to conclude that the ineffectiveness of the vaccines is a valid argument for forcing more people to submit to vaccination.”

Dr. Anthony Fauci disagreed, saying that “the lack of a clinical study proving the Senator’s thesis invalidates his objection to the vaccine mandate. It could very well be that even though vaccination does not protect the person getting the jab, there is no proof that being vaccinated doesn’t prevent the person from passing on the virus to others. Since we cannot rule this out, the altruistic path is to ensure that we reach a 100% vaccination rate. If we reach the 100% mark and there is still person-to-person transmission of the virus then, and only then, we can consider an alternate hypothesis, although I can’t at this time imagine what that alternate hypothesis might be.”

Unfortunately for Dr. Fauci’s claims, CDC Director Rochelle Walensky says that “while covid vaccines are working exceptionally well, they can’t prevent transmission of the virus to infect others.” CDC data backs her up on this latter point. Four of the five counties with the highest vaccination rates (84% to 99%) are also in the “high transmission” category. In contrast, the 57 counties in the “low transmission” category all have a vaccination rate of under 20%.