Dem Senators Want to Restore Pre-Trump Economy

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Determined to undo what they called “the wrenching changes inflicted on America by Trump’s tax cuts,” Sens. Ron Wyden (D-OR) and Chris Van Hollen (D-MD) are proposing a “Long-Term Unemployment Act.” Their bill would create a federal program to reduce the number of private sector jobs and provide new government jobs for those who become unemployed. A problem caused by Trump’s policies is that there are currently more jobs than people to fill them.

“The present surplus of jobs is precisely the worst of the wrenching changes we aim to rectify,” Wyden said. “Generations of Americans have gotten used to the periodic respites that a few months of compensated unemployment has provided for them. But under Trump’s policies there are too many open jobs and very little opportunity to enjoy any paid downtime.”

“Our bill would rescind the tax cuts and ratchet down the prosperity to levels that prevailed during the Obama Administration,” Van Hollen chimed in. “The restored higher taxes would then be available to fund the type of government make-works jobs that the Democratic Party has fostered since the days of FDR. It will also help clarify the choice voters will face in the 2020 elections—do they want to be forced to take real jobs that require real work under Trump or do they prefer to return to the good old days of a moderated economy punctuated by occasional rest periods that both Democratic and Republican leaders have presided over since the early 1990s.”

Contender for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-Vt) called the bill “a very small down payment toward my ‘economic bill of rights.’ Ultimately, we need to sever the provision of an income from the work requirement. Justice mandates that society fulfill every person’s material needs and that those who are willing and able to work undertake the effort necessary to meet those needs. This is the true path to the utopia that the great Karl Marx envisioned for mankind.”

Not wanting to be passed on his left, rival 2020 Democratic contender, former VP Joe Biden told the Poor People’s Forum in Washington that “the first thing I would do as president is eliminate the president’s tax cut.” Biden was unmoved by projections that repeal of the tax cuts would cost the average family $2,000 in higher taxes. “Bribing people with tax cuts appeals to selfish motives,” Biden contended. “We need to revive the selfless sense of everyone’s obligation to promote the collective welfare that prevailed when Obama and I ran things.”

Idiots Slander US

This week the profoundly ignorant Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) asserted that persons illegally entering the United States “are being held in concentration camps.” Among the atrocities inflicted are “widespread boredom and inappropriate menus. Few know that there is a serious shortage of TVs and that meals are prepared without considering the ethnicity of the recipients.”

When critics objected to her characterization, she alleged that “most people don’t know that the government put Japanese people in concentration camps during WWII.” This slander was joined by nattering nincompoop George Takei. The aging Star Trek actor and gay-rights agitator alleged that “I know what concentration camps are. I was inside two of them, in America. And yes, we are operating such camps again.”

A few months after Japan’s unprovoked attack on Pearl Harbor, the US government rounded-up Americans of Japanese descent living on the west coast and held them in internment camps until after a 1944 US Supreme Court decision ruled that while their removal from the west coast was a lawful use of the president’s war powers, their detention was unwarranted. The US eventually paid financial damages amounting to $1.2 billion to former detainees in 1988.

While conditions in these internment camps were spartan they were nothing akin to the concentration camps operated by Nazi Germany. Internees were neither worked to death nor murdered in gas chambers. The policy was to keep families together and treat them humanely. These stark differences failed to blunt Ocasio-Cortez’s slander. Instead, she added her assertion that “only Nazis oppose open borders” and joined other Democrats in Congress to oppose funding that would improve the living conditions in the illegal immigrant detention centers.

Meanwhile, the horror of incarceration at the hands of Germans was once again demonstrated by the revelation that Ali Bashar, the convicted rapist and murderer of a 14-year-old girl, is being held in a facility with access to only 23 TV channels. United Nations Human Rights Council (UNHRC) President Coly Seck has promised “to investigate this potential abuse of prisoners’ human rights.”

Reparations Scam Rapped

Democrats aiming to buy Black votes by promising to force non-blacks to pay them damages for the injustices of slavery were stunned by the opposition of two Blacks testifying at a subcommittee of the House Judiciary Committee.

Columnist Coleman Hughes opposed reparations, saying that they “would insult black Americans, further divide the country, and insult descendants of slaves victims without their consent.” His testimony was roundly booed by Democrats attending the hearing, prompting Chairman Rep. Steve Cohen (D-Tenn) to put down his piece of fried chicken long enough to ask the audience to “chill. Granted, this is unorthodox testimony coming from a Black man, but he still has the right to speak.”

Former NFL football player Burgess Owens also spoke against reparations because “it points to a certain race, a certain color and it points to them as evil. It also turns black people into beggars.” Even more shocking was his admission that “I used to be a Democrat until I read some history and found out the misery that that party brought to my race. Democrats are the party that was part of slavery, KKK, Jim Crow, and that has killed over 40% of our black babies—20 million of them.” He concluded by saying “color doesn’t matter. We have become successful in this country like no other because of this great opportunity to live the American dream.”

Presidential contender and supporter of reparations Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) suggested that “Mr. Owens may be suffering from the brain damage afflicting so many who have played football. But, in any case, his judgment is colored by his success as a self-made man. It’s easy for a person of talent to make it on his own, but what of the rest of us who needed a boosted? Is he saying that the special advantages I got as an alleged member of an oppressed ethnic minority were wrong? If I have learned anything from life it is that relying on freedom to let every person pursue his or her own happiness does not guarantee satisfactory results. We need government to put a thumb on the scales when and where warranted to provide the guarantee that freedom can’t ensure.”

Not willing to wait for Congress to take action on reparations, in New York City, Temar Bishop beat and raped a 20-year-old white woman because “she was a white girl. She deserved it because us minorities have been through slavery. This is what they used to do to us.”

Group Sues Over Dossier

The Coolidge Reagan Foundation, which had previously lodged a complaint with the Federal Election Commission contending that the dossier of dirt thrown at Trump was compiled by a foreigner at the behest of the Clinton campaign, and, therefore, a violation of regulations prohibiting accepting anything of value from a foreign source, has now filed a lawsuit.

Federal Election Commission Chairman Ellen Weintraub called the lawsuit “merit-less. They might have had a case if Clinton had won, but now the issue is moot. I mean, what damage has the plaintiff suffered? Regardless of whether Secretary Clinton committed a crime or not, what remedy would make them whole? If a cheater doesn’t win by cheating has the winner actually been cheated?”

“I think one could argue that the Coolidge Reagan Foundation has already achieved substantial benefit from the failure of the dossier scheme,” Weintraub argued. “If Clinton had won she could have wrought considerable damage on this organization via her control over the FBI and IRS. Investigations could’ve been launched that would have intimidated donors and imposed large legal fees on that organization. It is almost certain that lawyers for Secretary Clinton would point this out in their successful defense before my Agency.”

Beto Promises to Let Boys Compete in Girls’ Sports

In a bid to corner the transgender vote, 2020 presidential contender former Rep. Beto O’Rourke (D-Tex) vowed to “break down the doors of girls’ locker rooms across the nation and let boys who identify as girls participate in girls’ sports.”

“I am aware that many parents are uncomfortable with this next step in the evolution of sexual freedom, but we can’t allow prejudice to tie our hands,” the candidate said. “Many boys feel uncomfortable trying to compete with other boys. I know because I was one of them. If I had had the same options as the boys of today are beginning to seize there’s no doubt in my mind that I could’ve won championships and maybe even an athletic scholarship in field hockey—a sport that was strictly limited to cis-gendered girls when I was in high school. Voters can count on me to lead the nation into a more sexually inclusive future.”

In related news, the Beto campaign announced that he will be staying at homeless camps as he campaigns “in order to build a better bond with those most in need of my leadership and to demonstrate my willingness to sacrifice my own comfort when I lack the funding for accommodations more suitable to my status in society.”

Mayor Pete Wants Federal ID Cards for illegals

Democratic presidential contender South Bend, Indiana Mayor Peter Buttigieg has called for the federal government to issue special identification cards to illegal immigrants.

“It’s time that we recognize the tremendous initiative it takes to enter the country in defiance of our laws,” the Mayor maintained. “They have journeyed far, often at great risk and cost to get to our promise land only to face ICE harassment as they attempt to cross the finish line.”

“If I’m elected president I will issue an executive order granting a federal ID card to every one of these brave travelers,” Buttigieg promised. “These cards will entitle the bearers to obtain whatever goods and services they need from any commercial establishment open for business within our borders. Instead of having to hide from immigration enforcers and earn a living by taking demeaning jobs they will be vaulted directly into the middle class and enjoy the lifestyles they envisioned when they set out on their arduous treks to come to America. The instant access to consumer goods will hasten their integration as full-fledged members of our society.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Calif Dem Wants Felons on Juries

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

California State Senator Nancy Skinner (D-Berkeley) has introduced legislation (SB 310) that would put convicted felons on juries. Current law bars ex-cons from serving on juries—a practice that Skinner calls “profoundly undemocratic.”

“I am ashamed that it has taken so long for my Party to realize that routinely excluding victims of the justice system from playing a role in the judicial process is wrong,” the Senator asserted. “Who among us is better suited to assess whether others should be subjected to the brutality of our prison system than individuals who have had to endure it themselves?”

“The criminal element is a segment of the population that should be represented in every phase of our governance,” Skinner insists. “To exclude them denies them a basic human right and deprives us of the benefit of their unique insights in judging whether the accused may have had justifiable cause for the actions for which they are put on trial. While the law-abiding juror might be quick to decide that theft is wrong, a former thief on a jury may not be so hasty. For example, our welfare system extracts money from those who have more than they need in order to aid those who have less. If an accused thief can demonstrate that his need was greater than that of the person he robbed should we be in a hurry to send him to jail simply because he took the initiative to redistribute wealth that the government probably should’ve already done?”

Skinner acknowledged that “violence during the course of a privately undertaken redistribution of wealth may be problematic,” but pointed out that “law-enforcement officers often engage in excessive violence when inserting themselves into social situations involving disputes over the ownership of property or personality clashes between individuals. Perhaps adding felons to juries will yield a more balanced perspective regarding the appropriate boundaries of legitimate uses of force.”

Trump Ignites “Foreign Meddling” Controversy

President Trump’s open-minded response to a hypothetical question posed by ABC’s George Stephanopoulos unleashed a fire-storm of pious denunciations from Democrats and the media. Stephanopoulos asked Trump whether he would listen to any “dirt” on a political opponent if it were offered by a foreign government. Trump said “yes. Suppose, for example, that Norway wanted to tell me something unsettling about a person in our government or running for office. I think I’d listen and maybe pass on this information to the FBI if I thought it warranted their attention.”

Loser of the 2016 presidential election Hillary Clinton pounced on Trump’s remarks calling them “the smoking gun that proves he is unfit to be president.” She went on to contrast Trump’s “invitation to foreign meddling” with her own “measured response to the ‘dirt’ on Trump my campaign bought from Christopher Steele. We didn’t broadcast a plea for foreign interference. We worked behind the scenes and, I might add, with the FBI to ensure that the information would be used properly.”

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) echoed Clinton’s take, pointing out that “when Trump asked the Russians to find Hillary’s lost emails in 2016 he was a private citizen and lacked authority to interact with foreign governments. Hillary, in contrast, was acting with the full cooperation of the Obama Administration in the effort to block the most unqualified candidate for the presidency in our nation’s history. Just because that effort failed doesn’t make Trump’s election legitimate. We can’t allow him to misuse the normal presidential communications with foreign governments as a mask for future illegal interactions with them.”

Sen. Mitt Romney (R-Utah) averred that “the mere possibility of accepting political information from a foreign government as President Trump implied he might is simply unthinkable. It strikes at the very heart of our democracy. It was bad enough that the Democrats did this to try to sully Trump’s reputation, but Republicans need to have higher ethical standards even if that means we lose to law-breaking Democrats. I agree with the great Senator Henry Clay that it is better to be right than be president. That way you keep your self respect.”

Federal Election Commission (FEC) Chairwoman Ellen Weintraub joined the chorus of objections to Trump’s remarks stating “it is illegal for any person to solicit, accept, or receive anything of value from a foreign national in connection with a U.S. Election.” She attempted to distinguish Trump’s hypothetical answer from the 2016 actions of the Clinton campaign by “citing some clear differences. First, while it is true that the Steele dossier was compiled by a former British spy and based on information obtained from the Russian government, the connection to Clinton was not direct. Two American intermediaries were between her campaign and the foreigners. Second, since the Clinton campaign paid several million dollars for this ‘dirt’ it was not a contribution to her campaign per se. It was a straightforward purchase, much like the purchase of an imported cigar from a local smoke shop, for example.”

Trump characterized the outrage over his answer “hysterical hypocrisy. The fact is that it was the Democrats who actively solicited dirt concocted by a foreigner and worked with top FBI officials to use it to undermine my campaign and my administration. In the process they violated the civil rights of dozens of Americans by spying on their private conversations, abused their authority by intimidating witnesses, and forced taxpayers to bear the enormous expenses of investigating a non-existent crime. Given what happened it’s ridiculous for anyone to claim that calling in the FBI to stop election interference makes any sense.”

However, calling in the FBI would be mandatory if legislation just proposed by Sen. Richard Blumenthal (D-Conn) is enacted. Blumenthal called his “Duty to Report” Act “essential if we want to preserve our form of government. As they have shown in their valiant effort to derail the Trump Administration these past two years, the FBI is our last line of defense against a hostile takeover of our government. Rather than expecting this heroic agency to have to do its crucial work covertly it’s time we formally legitimize their role by requiring that all candidates report to the FBI and get the agency’s approval before they are allowed to compete in the race for the presidency. If my bill had been in effect prior to the 2016 election Trump would not have been able to clear this hurdle and America would now be under the guidance of the most qualified person to ever seek the office.”

Bernie Explains Socialism

Stunned by polls showing the doltish Joe Biden in the lead for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination, Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-Vt) gave socialism the “hard sell” and predicted that voters would be “delighted to pay higher taxes” if his policies are implemented.

The “delight” is expected to flow from what Sanders called an “economic bill of rights. Under this plan, the government will provide everything everyone needs for free. All that anyone has to do in exchange is turn over all his excess wealth to the government.”

“The hassle of having to live by a household budget will be abolished,” the candidate promised. “Questions like ‘can I afford it?’ will vanish from our minds. If you need it, the government will give it to you. The time spent trying to choose specific products or services will be freed up to engage in other pursuits because the government will make these decisions for everyone. Unnecessary products and services will be eliminated. Only essential items will be produced.”

President Donald Trump’s economic adviser Larry Kudlow rebutted Sanders’ promises, saying “they are pretty standard for what socialists have repeatedly promised throughout history. Delivery has always been the difficult part. Human motivation teeters between greed and laziness. Capitalism has succeeded in delivering vast wealth to the masses of humanity by harnessing greed. Under capitalism, the path to great wealth comes from efficiently serving the needs of others. When socialists shutdown this path, laziness triumphs over greed. The inevitable result is poverty. Everyone wants the free stuff. No one has sufficient incentive to provide it. Coercion must be used to avert starvation. And, thus tyranny becomes the only option. Concealing this progression from socialism’s promise to its ultimate end is Sanders’ only hope for getting elected.”

Biden Promises to Cure Cancer

In a bid to out-promise his rivals for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination, former Vice-President Joe Biden has pledged to cure cancer if he is elected. As it so often happens when Biden gloms onto an idea it turns out not to be an original thought. It was in 1971 that the much reviled President Richard Nixon declared “war on cancer.” He even persuaded Congress to pass the National Cancer Act (P.L. 92–218).

The government’s war on cancer is now nearing its 50th year. A recent development was the Obama Administration’s “Cancer Moonshot” initiative that Biden himself announced in early 2016. “The idea was to imitate JFK’s pledge to put a man on the moon within a decade,” Biden explained. “The problem with Nixon’s plan is that unlike JFK he didn’t set a deadline for achieving the goal. I won’t make that same mistake once I’m elected president. There will be a firm deadline and severe penalties will be imposed for failure to meet it.”

The candidate refused to elaborate on what these penalties might be or to clarify how such a threat could be expected to generate the scientific breakthrough required to produce a cure, saying “I’m not going to show my cards until voters do their part to give me the powers that I need to make this miracle happen. The important thing to remember is that right now I am the only candidate who has offered to cure this dreaded disease. That’s more than any of my competitors have done.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Moscow Belittles D-Day Significance

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Miffed by the attention being paid to the heroes of the 1944 Allied sea-borne assault on Nazi-held France, Russian Foreign Ministry spokeswoman Maria Zakharova called the D-Day event “relatively insignificant in the broader context of World War II and its aftermath.”

“The puny efforts of the West pale in comparison with the absolutely essential role played by Russia in the conflict,” Zakharova asserted. “First, let’s not forget that there wouldn’t have been a World War II if Russia had not joined with Germany to get the ball rolling. Their non-aggression pact was key to enabling Hitler to initiate hostilities.”

“Second, the West cruelly overlooks the treachery of the Nazis’ unprovoked violation of the pact by their June 1941 invasion of Russia,” she continued. “It took the West three years to open the second front—during which time the Russian people experienced the unspeakable horrors of Nazi atrocities that ultimately claimed millions of civilian lives. The West congratulates itself for generously supplying weapons and supplies to our armies, but was niggardly in bearing a fair share of the blood shed in the battle to defeat Hitler’s minions.”

“Third, the West’s refusal to acknowledge the conquests of the Red Army in central Europe while their forces barely made it into Germany by war’s end rebuts their claim to have liberated Europe,” Zakharova said. “We got to keep the territories ceded to us by Hitler in the 1939 pact. We also were able to install puppet governments in Poland, Hungary, Czechoslovakia, Romania, Bulgaria, and Yugoslavia.”

“Finally, though the Soviet Union itself is no more, the ideals of socialism live on and have taken root even in the United States,” she pointed out. “Right now, socialism has become the dominant ideology of America’s Democratic Party. Two dozen socialist candidates are vying for the nomination to take on the universally unpopular Donald Trump in the 2020 presidential election. Clearly, our ideals and our gains have made the most headway during the course of World War II and the years since.”

In related news, Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Elizabeth Warren contends that “global climate change is a bigger challenge than World War II. Even if we had lost the war, life would still have gone on. Human rights may have taken a hit in a world dominated by Nazi Germany, but the human race—except for some isolated and tiny ethnic groups—would have survived. The same cannot be said of the threat posed by climate change. All of humanity will be forced to suffer the insidiously slow encroachment of rising temperatures and sea levels. Meanwhile, governments hampered by the need to persuade ignorant and indifferent voters to adopt the severe measures required to combat climate change will fail to act in time. Our only chance is to elect a person of vision willing to unilaterally implement the harsh regulations needed to avert this calamity. I am that person of vision.”

Dems Want to Purge Party of Abortion Foes

It used to be that Democratic politicians claimed to be personally pro-life, but politically pro-choice. This attempt to straddle the gap between respect for human life and the need to garner votes from those favoring easy access to abortion is no longer tolerated.

Contender for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand (NY) demands that “as a party, we should be 100 percent pro-choice, and it should be non-negotiable.” Rival contender Sen. Bernie Sanders (Vt) is campaigning to oust sitting Democratic Rep. Dan Lipinski (Ill), contending that Lipinski’s non-conformity on the issue is “a disturbing moment in our history.”

Former Vice-President Joe Biden, the current leader in polls of Democrat voters’ on who they support for president, reversed his previous stance against requiring taxpayers to fund abortions. “I used to think that it would be wrong to force persons who believe that abortion takes a human life to have to pay for what they consider murder,” Biden confessed. “Now I realize that it is wrong to permit a person’s individual perspective on morality to interfere with the conduct of public policy. The progressive view places the collective benefit to society ahead of any personal objections. This progressive view supports the right of every woman to terminate her unwanted child. While this theoretically could be accomplished via voluntary donations, relying on strictly voluntary funding sends the wrong message. It is the duty of every member of society to contribute funds to support the rights that the government has decided each person deserves.”

In related news, U.N. Deputy High Commissioner for Human Rights Kate Gilmore called laws restricting access to abortion “extremist hate. Barring a woman from having a doctor tear her unwanted baby limb-from-limb is clearly torture and a deprivation of her right to health.” She lamented the fact that “the UN has no plausible means of interdicting the rogue actions of wayward US political subdivisions,” but expressed hope that “moral pressure could lead to the sort of spiritual awakening necessary for subduing such pernicious opposition.”

Pelosi Irked by Impeachment Pressure

Distressed at what she characterized as “unforgivable incompetence at the FBI,” House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) sought to fend off what she considers “unwise and impetuous demands for Trump’s impeachment,” by assuring the Democratic caucus that she too “wants to see Trump in prison.”

“I wish I could just snap my fingers and make it happen,” she told colleagues, “but there are too many barriers between what I’d like to do and what I can do. The FBI and Director Comey let us down big time. The Agency has been able to put countless people behind bars over the years—planting evidence, suborning perjury, and coercing admissions of guilt—or shooting them if that’s what it takes. With all the resources at their disposal it is unconscionable that they allowed Trump to slip through the noose.”

While sympathetic to the Speaker’s dilemma, House Judiciary Chairman Jerry Nadler (D-NY) still advocated for impeachment hearings. “What I think Nancy is overlooking is the opportunity to use such hearings to stoke the fires of the type of voter indignation necessary to give our GOP colleagues the nerve to side with us in achieving his ouster,” Nadler maintained. “Unlike court proceedings, House hearings are not bound by rules of evidence. Accusations are unconstrained by the kinds of limits a judge might impose at a trial. Lurid and unsubstantiated charges launched by Democrats at these hearings will be passed on via the media. It is our only chance to raise the level of disgust high enough to turn the majority of voters against Trump.”

Holder Contrasts His Tenure with Barr’s

Attorney General William Barr is not the first AG to be held in contempt by Congress. Obama’s AG Eric Holder also shared this experience. Holder appeared on CNN this past week to explain how the two instances differ.

“Back in the early years of the Obama Administration we had a program called ‘Fast and Furious’ in which we were trying to set up a ‘sting’ operation by smuggling guns to the Mexican cartels,” Holder recalled. “The idea was, we would have the identifying information—serial numbers and ballistics—by which we could tie specific weapons to specific crimes. Just because this plan didn’t workout as we’d hoped—serial numbers were filed off, gun barrels were defaced hindering the usefulness of ballistic data, and hundreds of murders were committed with the weapons we supplied—Republicans in Congress tried to second-guess this plan. Naturally, we withheld subpoenaed documents.”

“In Barr’s case, the document subpoenaed by Congress is the Mueller Report,” Holder pointed out. “There’s no ongoing covert operation to protect. There are plenty of witnesses—Mueller himself and anyone of the more than dozen attorneys on his team who could tell Congress what’s in the redacted sections of the Mueller Report—that could be called to reveal this content. So, Barr’s refusal based on the law prohibiting the disclosure of this redacted content serves no important purpose other than to save himself from legal jeopardy.”

“In short, I was fighting for the principle that the federal government’s covert actions should not be subject to legislative oversight,” Holder emphasized. “To inject such oversight into the equation, especially in the midst of the failure of this sensitive undertaking we were engaged in, was a direct threat to national security. In contrast, Barr’s actions put the onus of breaking the law onto the patriots on the Mueller team who have done heroic work to try to rid the nation of the dangerous Trump Administration.”

House Intelligence Committee Chairman Adam Schiff (D-Calif) praised Holder’s “courageous defense of government authority” and denounced Barr as “the second most dangerous man in the country. His lack of appreciation for what the intelligence community does to protect America from both foreign and domestic enemies is deeply disturbing. Even if his premise that the intelligence community’s actions endanger the democratic process of electing our leaders is correct, this is the lesser evil compared to supinely allowing an unqualified usurper to dupe voters into electing him. I fear for the fate of our country while Trump remains in office.”

Hillary Calls Bernie “Sore Loser”

Former Secretary of State and loser of the 2016 presidential election Hillary Clinton lambasted Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-Vt) as a “sore loser who refuses to graciously concede defeat.” Inasmuch as Clinton has spent much of the time since November of 2016 carping about her loss to Trump—blaming the Russians, Comey, sexism, election rules, etc—her lack of introspection is stunning.

Based on what transpired during the 2016 Democratic primaries, one could argue that Sanders was an amazingly gracious loser considering all the Democratic National Committee did to rig the process to ensure that Clinton would get the nomination.

Clinton insisted that “what happened in 2016 makes no difference now. What I am referring to is the 2020 race. I have graciously declined to run again. Bernie has not. Despite his advanced age and questionable health, he is thrusting his lame candidacy into what should be a vigorous battle among those young enough to be able to survive a full term in office. I have gallantly stepped aside, yet am still available should none of these contenders be able to secure a majority of the necessary delegates to get the nomination. Unlike Bernie, I epitomize the ideal of noble public service.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Dem Signals Support for Secret Police

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Alarmed by the Department of Justice probe into the intelligence community’s spying on the Trump campaign and presidency, House Intelligence Committee Chairman Adam Schiff (D-Calif) urged Director of National Intelligence Dan Coats “to resist exposing our guardians to undue scrutiny.”

“While Attorney General Barr’s assertion that spying on a campaign is a ‘big deal’ may sway ignorant voters, it is out-of-step with modern day reality,” Schiff contends. “Every advanced nation has used secret police to protect itself from outside threats. This is the normal way of doing business. For Barr to go on a spree of declassification is an unparalleled deviation from this norm.”

“Since World War II we have trusted our government to do what’s best for America,” Schiff said. “To turn away from this record of success just because one candidate may have been inadvertently harmed wrongly elevates electoral fairness over national survival. Surely, the sacrifice of one person’s opportunity to be president is the lesser evil, especially considering that the only so-called ‘downside’ would’ve been the election and governance of a candidate that was the most qualified to be president in our nation’s history.”

Schiff’s position was quickly endorsed by former CIA Director John Brennan who cited “our extensive cooperation with our country’s long-term ally—the same one we fought side-by-side with to defeat the Nazis—to try to prevent Trump from seizing power. The true tragedy is that we have not yet been unsuccessful.”

In related news, one of The View’s on-air personalities, Meghan McCain, defended her call for Democrats to shoot President Trump, saying “it was only a hypothetical suggestion.” She blamed her love of hunting “for my unfortunate choice of words” and reminded everyone that “Trump, himself, once said he could get away with shooting someone on Fifth Avenue in New York City without losing any votes. Likewise, I don’t think I’m in any danger of losing any viewers for my suggestion.”

Obama Meddling in Brazil’s Politics

Miffed that his operation to thwart Trump’s election and undermine his presidency has come unraveled, former President Obama tried to sway Brazil’s voters to oppose President Jair Bolsonaro’s loosening of gun controls by falsely stating that “in the United States anyone can buy firearms, including machine guns, at any time—even over the internet—without having to get government approval beforehand. Don’t let your president lead you down this same dangerous path.”

Early indications that Bolsonaro’s January directive seems to have reduced crimes committed with guns contradicts Obama’s premise that keeping guns out of the hands of law-abiding citizens would improve public safety.

Undaunted by these data that he characterized as “just a blip on the radar,” Obama argued that “whatever minor improvements that may come from arming good people, there can be no debate that crime could be virtually eradicated if all private ownership of weapons is outlawed. That is the policy that enabled countries like the Soviet Union and China to drive down crime rates so impressively.”

Mueller Statement Violates ABA Rules

Former Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller’s statement this week that he “did not have confidence that the president did not commit a crime” violates Rule 3.8(f) of the American Bar Association’s code of professional conduct. The rule states that “The prosecutor in a criminal case shall refrain from making extrajudicial comments that have a substantial likelihood of heightening public condemnation of the accused.”

House Judiciary Committee Chairman Jerrold Nadler (D-NY) excused this violation on the grounds that “special circumstances call for unprecedented actions. The ‘innocent unless proven guilty’ presumption may be a good approach in most cases, but prosecutors, especially Special Prosecutors, should have the discretion to go outside the boundaries, if, in their judgment, the situation warrants.”

“Since President Trump has millions of supporters, heightening public condemnation of his behavior is essential if he is to be brought to justice,” Nadler maintains. “Without a widespread vilification of his character that can drive down his approval in the polls there is no hope for impeaching him and removing him from office. Inasmuch as impeachment is a political process and not a judicial process, it seems to me that the ordinary procedures of political campaigns, which are hugely invested in vilification of one’s political opponents, should apply, rather than the daintier procedures of the justice system.”

Of course, heightening public condemnation of Trump is not the worst violation of the rules of justice by Mueller. When he was a DOJ attorney in Boston, Mueller ignored exculpatory evidence and allowed four men to languish in prison for years in order to “preserve a valuable FBI asset.” That asset was the notorious, mass-murdering, Boston mobster Whitey Bulger, who was allegedly a confidential informant against fellow mobsters.

In related news, mega celebrity Cher was so incensed by Mueller’s implication that Trump might be guilty of a crime for which there is no evidence, that she fantasized about Trump being gang-raped in prison. After her tasteless fantasy sparked some negative responses, Cher admitted that “I may have gone too far in my instinct to push for what I feel is best for Democrats and democracy.”

Jill Promises to Rein-in Joe’s “Grabby Hands”

Though former second lady Jill Biden has promised to keep a close rein on husband Joe’s inappropriate touching and sniffing of women on the campaign trail, there was another incident this week involving a 10-year-old girl at a town hall in Houston hosted by the American Federation of Teachers.

Jill explained that “the batteries in the shock collar he now ears under his shirt had rundown from overuse. Without this needed reminder not to touch, Joe was being his usual touchy-feely self. I take full responsibility for not having a back-up power source in place. But let’s not overlook the progress that he’s made. Before we took countermeasures he likely would have had his hands on dozens in the weeks he’s been campaigning. At worst, I’d say the problem is 90% solved, though Joe is puzzled that his neck has been hurting a lot recently.”

“Judging from the size of the turnout he is getting it looks like he’s down to groping only one person in the typical ten-person crowds he is drawing,” Trump tweeted.

Court Decision on Abortion Praised & Assailed

The US Supreme Court’s decision on an Indiana abortion law rankled Planned Parenthood president Leana Wen who found their ruling allowing the disposition of remains provision to stay in force “an affront,” while praising their striking down of a provision prohibiting abortions to be undertaken for reasons of the race, sex, or disability of the child “a lucid expansion of Roe v. Wade framework.”

“It is our position that a woman’s right to abort an unwanted child is an unalienable right,” Wen said. “This means that no subordinate unit of government has any authority to restrict it in any way. Suppose a mother already has a sufficient number of girls in her family and doesn’t want another one. Suppose a woman has a drunken episode of sex with a black man and doesn’t want a mulatto baby. Suppose medical tests indicate a high probability that her baby will be handicapped. These are all valid reasons for terminating a pregnancy and we’re glad the court upheld them.”

“However, as Justice Ginsburg pointed out in her dissenting opinion, allowing Indiana to require that aborted babies be interred or cremated conveys an unwarranted patina of humanity to what is more correctly considered medical waste,” Wen complained. “The real purpose of this provision is to try to discourage women from enjoying her right to end her pregnancy by implying that the abortion she is entitled to have kills a human being. In several other states we have made great progress in rebuffing this false notion and have seen the enactment of laws that extend the allowable window of opportunity to terminate unwanted offspring to the moment of birth and even beyond. We will not sit idle and watch these gains be limited to any degree.”

Candidate Wants to Free Youthful Criminals

Seeking to gain a foothold in the race for the Democratic presidential nomination, New York Mayor Bill de Blasio hopes to sew up the young criminal vote by releasing more of them “on their own recognizance” while their cases are pending.

“In so many of these cases, the accused youths cannot make bail,” de Blasio observed. “I thought, why not use the same catch-and-release approach that has worked so well for asylum seekers and let them go free as long as they promise to show up for trial. We will save the government the cost of housing these individuals and allow them to continue to reduce the overall population of criminals by preying upon each other—as it seems is their main activity when not behind bars.”

A key part of his proposal is raising the age limit for release without bail to 19 years old. “This way youngsters eligible to vote will see that I am on their side,” the Mayor explained. “This is a much bigger cohort than the release of the tiny number of wrongly convicted that Trump’s ballyhooed prison reform legislation will ever achieve because it does not discriminate between those who are and aren’t guilty. That’s more votes for me. Then, once I am president, all will be treated equally.”

Second Dem Dream Ticket May Emerge

With his fortunes fading, former Texas Rep. Beto O’Rourke attempted to sell himself as a possible running mate to South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg by boasting “I am a giant asshole.” Though seasoned political observers are calling this “another gaffe in an unbroken chain of gaffes since his unsuccessful attempt to win a US Senate seat last year,” sources close to the candidate are optimistic that “Mayor Pete will understand that Beto is proposing a mutually satisfying coupling between two ideological soul mates.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Dems Rail Against Barr Investigation

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

President Trump’s decision to give Attorney General William Barr a free hand in determining which documents related to the intelligence community’s covert operation to take down the Trump Administration can be opened to public inspection has led to major consternation among Democratic Party luminaries.

Chairman of the House Intelligence Committee Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) called the move to inform the general public “a cover-up and un-American. Secrecy is essential if our guardians are to keep us safe from the type of threat the election of Trump posed for our country. Granted, mistakes may have been made, but they were all in the pursuit of patriotic motives. That Trump would rip the masks off of these patriots is just one more piece of evidence demanding his impeachment.”

“I know that Trump apologists will argue that the federal intelligence community has no business trying to rig an election or to desperately try to reverse a horrific error made at the ballot box,” Schiff said. “But the fate of the country is more important than whether any one candidate is treated fairly or not. Sen. Sanders realized that and yielded to wiser heads who had determined that Sec. Clinton should be the Democratic Party’s presidential nominee in 2016. For that he deserves the respect and thanks of every right-thinking American. That Trump veered from this sterling example proves his unfitness for holding public office.”

As an example of the type of covert action that must be kept secret, Schiff lamented the revelation that “the attempt to entrap Papadopoulos by getting him to accept a $10,000 bribe that he refused to take is something that must never be exposed to scrutiny. This is the sort of standard method that has to be protected from prying eyes if it is to retain its utility going forward. Trump’s willingness to compromise our covert operations capacity in order to save himself and his cronies from what he has characterized as a ‘hoax’ and ‘witch hunt’ is treason.”

Rep. Jerrold Nadler (D-NY), the chairman of the House intelligence committee, expressed his outrage over the idea that “anybody in the intelligence community did anything wrong. If we have learned anything from recent history it is that the government’s intelligence officers are the heroes that protect us all. To be effective they must be permitted to work behind the scenes. Drawing attention to them subverts their ability to do their job. I fear that Barr’s inquiry will drive them to have to use more extreme measures to carry out their duties.”

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) tried to adopt a more sympathetic sounding objection to this investigation of the investigators when she suggested that “Trump is suffering from a mental breakdown” and urged “his family and Administration staff to stage an intervention to relieve him of the pressures that have driven him mad. When I was at the White House the other day a member of his staff tried to talk to me. This display of disrespect—you know, I’m third in line to be president, I don’t talk to lesser beings—shows that his mind cannot grasp the narrative that the rest of us perceive. He is a clear threat to everything we all hold dear. I pray he gets help before he harms himself or someone else.”

In related news, Ann Ravel, former Federal Election Commission chair and current Democratic candidate for a seat in the California Senate, contends that “the First Amendment is responsible for more violent hate crime than terrorism” and demanded that “government authorities step up efforts to mute the dissemination of dangerous ideas. When people abuse freedom of speech to assail the government’s actions to control the population and ensure obedient behavior they’ve gone too far. Speech needs to stay within reasonable boundaries and government must adopt whatever measures are necessary to see that it does.”

Bureaucrats Object to Move & Downsizing

The Trump Administration’s plan to move two sections of the Department of Agriculture out of DC met with strenuous objections from the American Federation of Government Employees. Union spokesman Peter Winch complained that “they’ve already reduced full-time employees from the peak of 300 under the Obama Administration to 209. Forcing these lucky survivors to move to offices closer to the agricultural communities they serve adds insult to injury.”

“In this day of rapid electronic communication there’s no need for government employees to be located near the people they’re regulating,” Winch said. “Directives can be sent from Washington to any spot on the planet in seconds. Second, we question whether it is wise to convey a message implying that regulators should be on site before they issue orders. This implies a greater importance for listening than is warranted. The Department makes the rules. It is the obligation of farmers to comply. The traditional placement of employees in DC where they have more access to congress and can enjoy the morale boost that comes with being perceived as part of the governing class is a valuable psychological benefit that should not be denied to our members.”

Secretary Sonny Perdue called the union’s position “the exact opposite of what it should be. They posture as ‘public servants’ and laud their status as superior to people working in the for-profit sector of the economy. Well, in the for-profit sector meeting the customers’ needs is crucial to the survival and success of a business. By sending employees of the Economic Research Service (ERS) and the National Institute of Food and Agriculture (NIFA) to live and work closer to those the Department serves we will be moving a little bit closer to the private sector model that has, frankly, enriched the lives of billions of people around the world.”

Judge Denies Trump’s Right to Privacy

In Manhattan federal court, District Judge Edgardo Ramos dismissed Trump’s lawyers’ objection to breaching his privacy and ordered Douche Bank and Capital One to turn over his records to two House of Representatives committees.

Douglas Letter, general counsel for the House of Representatives, praised the decision, calling it “integral to proving that Trump colluded with Russia to steal the 2016 election. Admittedly, the Mueller investigation failed to find any evidence that Trump colluded with Russia, but that effort was rushed, under-manned and under-funded. That’s why we must take over and ensure that no stone is left unturned in pursuit of our objective.”

Judge Ramos used a “greater good” argument to justify “exceeding the ‘probable cause’ requirement that normally would have precluded this invasion of privacy. If we were talking about an ordinary criminal defendant there would not have been sufficient predicate for the action we are ordering. However, we are talking about the most powerful individual on Earth with access to the full resources of the federal government. The privacy of such a person must be secondary to the public good. Whether Congress once in possession of Trump’s banking records uses this information for the public good cannot be guaranteed, but trampling the constitutional rights of one man is a small price to pay if there is any chance that Congress will do the right thing. It is the collective benefit that takes precedence over any private benefit.”

In related news, the New York State Legislature has passed and Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D) has signed a bill of attainder against President Trump. The new law retains the restriction on releasing confidential tax records of every other taxpayer except Trump. Cuomo says he is confident that this move is legal “because the US Constitution only bars Congress from passing a bill of attainder. Passing such a bill is a right reserved to the states under the Tenth Amendment.”

Hint of Possible Democrat “Dream Ticket”

A convergence of policy ideas between two of the 23 Democratic presidential candidates has progressives giddy over what some are calling a “dream ticket” pairing that could revive the flagging fortunes of two contenders mired in low single digits in the polls.

One of these candidates is Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand (NY) who unveiled a proposal that would require insurance companies to provide fertility treatments. She explained her idea would “usher in full reproductive freedom rights for everyone. As it now stands, persons who cannot conceive are blocked from enjoying the right to abortion. It is fundamentally unfair that those who aren’t fertile should be denied access to this right. If I am elected I will immediately order those who can afford to purchase health insurance to include fertility treatments in the package of benefits. For those who can’t afford to buy their own coverage I will extend medicaid to cover this benefit.”

Meanwhile, Sen. Cory Booker (NJ) promises voters that if he’s elected he will establish “a special White House office to promote abortion on ‘day one’ of my Administration. When it comes to public policy, I always ask myself: ‘what would Spartacus have done.’ Clearly, he would have wanted to free every woman from the slavery of child birth and child rearing. Today, many women are denied their right to abortion. Conflicting messages in the media create uncertainty as to whether she should or shouldn’t get an abortion. My White House office will alleviate uncertainty by using a president’s access to the media to broadcast an unmixed message of a woman’s unalienable right to terminate her pregnancy at any time before she takes the baby home from the hospital.”

Planned Parenthood spokesperson Adora Slaughter called for a merging of these two candidates’ highly compatible policy platforms into a ‘dream ticket’ that will bring this issue to the forefront of the 2020 campaign. Their ideas break new ground and fills a gap in conventional views on the issue. They unshackle our thinking from the old ‘safe and rare’ trope that more aged candidates like Clinton and Biden have used in the past. With Booker at around 3% and Gillibrand at less than 1% in the polls maybe a Booker/Gillibrand ticket can help elevate both of them and increase the odds of abortion remaining an unconstrained right for the foreseeable future.”

Candidate Denounces “Gilded Age”

Presidential contender Sen. Amy Klobuchar D-Minn) gave a dire prediction that “Trump’s economic policies are pushing this country into a new gilded age where citizens’ lust for prosperity and wealth undermines their willingness to support progressive values. Left unchecked, it won’t be long before everyone has a good job, a nice home, plenty to eat, and the cash for the extras that make life more fun. There will be no more oppressed classes, no need to organize for social justice, the end of welfare as we know it, and no reason to ever vote for Democrats.”

Klobuchar’s pessimism was bolstered by the disappointingly sparse audience attending her speech. “I would’ve thought there were more than 125 people at Dartmouth who should hear my message,” the Senator complained. “It’s as if almost everyone has forgotten the inspiring leadership of President Obama’s call to sacrifice for the common good. We need to pull away from the materialistic propaganda pushed by Trump and the Republicans. Comfort is overrated. Toiling shoulder-to-shoulder without hope of personal reward is what brings people together into one collective whole. The 2020 election may be our last chance to preserve this dream for how humanity can save itself from selfishness by electing me.”

Meanwhile, in her own bid to stymie the evil effects of prosperity, rival Democratic presidential contender Sen. Kamala Harris (Calif) promised to make union membership mandatory for holding a job. She is particularly peeved that “some states have allowed their inhabitants to decline joining a union, yet still be able to keep their jobs. They say everyone should have a right to associate or not at their own choosing. I say this is selfish. Society has the right to require that people be organized for the common good regardless of whether they like it or not.”

“Stupid Nationalists” Lambasted

European Commission President Jean-Claude Juncker took to the airwaves ahead of scheduled parliamentary elections to lay into “stupid nationalists” who object to the European Union’s open borders policies and centralization of power.

“These populist, nationalists, stupid nationalists, they are in love with their own countries when they should be showing a greater appreciation of what we’re doing for them,” he said. “This is a revolting repeat of the same attitudes that resisted the unification of Europe achieved by the Germans in the early 1940s. Why must every little pipsqueak country insist on going its own way? It’s not as if their peculiar national cultures have any real lasting virtues worthy of perpetuating.”

German Chancellor Angela Merkel seconded Juncker’s remarks. “If we had been able to sustain the accomplishments of our earlier effort just imagine how much better things would be on this continent,” she mused. “The petty bickering of untermenschen like Orban would never have arisen. There would be order and discipline that would have been the envy of the world. Well, we weren’t able to sustain that progress, but we’re at another juncture where we face a similar decision on whether to build a bigger and better state or to lapse back into the primitive forms of organization that our political opponents demand. I am hopeful that voters will make the right choice.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Dr. James Dobson Condemns Evil House Inequality Act

Dr. James Dobson:

“In the history of our nation, there have been times when evil was so apparent—and so heinous—that they stand in infamy decades later. They include the Dred Scott Decision on slavery in 1857, and the Roe v. Wade ruling that legalized abortion in 1973. Now, we are faced with another such tragic moment in American history.

A few days ago, May 17th, Democrats in the House of Representatives passed what they call The Equality Act of 2019, which is breathtaking in its scope. If it survives a vote in the Senate, this legislation will represent one of the most egregious assaults on religious liberty ever foisted on the people of this great nation. It therein imposes a thinly veiled death sentence to the First Amendment of the Constitution, and takes away the protections against tyranny handed down to us by our founding fathers. It was this unyielding commitment to religious liberty that led to the American Revolution in 1776. The pastors and the patriots of that day died to free themselves from British imperialism. Thank God for the men who stood courageously against the most powerful military in the world, because freedom meant more to them than their own lives.

Let me speak candidly and passionately to people of faith throughout these United States of America. We must not remain silent as our historic liberties are gutted by Democrats and their friends in the LGBT movement. They will enslave us if they prevail! We must let our voices be heard, first in the U.S. Senate, and then to the world.

Viva liberty! Viva the First Amendment to the Constitution of the United States. Viva biblical values and beliefs. And woe to those who would take them from us.”

Presidential Candidates Compete to Promise Most ‘Free Stuff’

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

This week, the number of announced Democratic presidential contenders reached 23. The crowded field left many desperate to generate interest in their candidacies. Front-runner, former Vice-President Joe Biden vowed to give free health care to illegal aliens. Reminded that these immigrants already receive this benefit, Biden insisted that “it’s not free enough. They’re forced to seek out clinics to get these services. When I’m president we’ll have an outreach program that requires doctors to make house calls so immigrants can enjoy these services in the comfort of the free public housing the government provides for them.”

Nomination rival Sen. Elizabeth Warren (Mass) pointed out that “sick people aren’t the only ones desperately in need of free services. Many are overburdened having to care for children they neglected to abort. The kinds of day-care available now are meager. Under my plan, every parent will be awarded $15,000 per year, per child. This will give them the purchasing power to afford the high-quality care that they deserve.”

“Not good enough,” complained Sen. Bernie Sanders (Vt). “Sen. Warren would leave the task of choosing providers to the parents, who are not qualified to make the right choices. True socialism mandates that all children be enrolled in a collective system that can guarantee identical treatment is meted out to every child from birth to college graduation. This is the only way to ensure that all are properly indoctrinated.”

With the concurrence of Sen. Kamala Harris (Calif), Sen. Cory Booker (NJ), and Kirsten Gillibrand (NY), Warren called Sanders’ approach “too communistic at this stage of the country’s transformation. We need to work toward that ideal more gradually by using some of the mechanisms already in place. That’s why we advocate federal grants to pay down student debt. It’s too early for an overtly regimented fully communist system. The current ideological indoctrination being carried out by most public and private schools is fully compatible with the recommendations laid out by Marx and Engels in their 1848 Manifesto.”

Concerned that this approach “neglects the less intellectually endowed,” nomination rivals South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg, former HUD Secretary Julian Castro, former Rep. John Delaney (Md), former Colorado Gov. John Hickenlooper, and Rep. Tulsi Gabbard (Hawaii) call for a “universal basic income.” “A traditional core constituency of the Democratic Party has been those lacking the ability to cope with the educational environment or to master the skills and self-discipline required to hold down a job,” Buttigieg said. “By guaranteeing every American a basic income regardless of whether they’re unable or unwilling to work we will extend the benefits of prosperity to all.”

Financing all the promised free stuff received little attention from the majority of the contenders. In a bid to sell himself as the “centrist” among the leftist horde, Biden explained that “I will personally repeal the Trump tax cuts and enact any new taxes needed to secure the money necessary.” The newest contender, New York City Mayor Bill DeBlasio declared “There’s plenty of money in this country. It’s just in the wrong hands. When I’m president we will seize that money so it can be utilized to fund whatever the government determines is most useful for the benefit of the masses.”

In contrast, former Rep. Beto O’Rourke offered voters a free viewing of him getting a haircut and massage. He claims that “letting the common people see how their betters live is an inexpensive way of boosting their morale. Their existence is pretty dull compared to ours. Celebrities like the Kardashians have brought joy to the masses by generously sharing their daily activities with them. I’m just following their good example.”

Trump Praises Buttigieg’s “Healthy Choice”

Confounding the media’s efforts to characterize President Trump as “anti-gay,” the President praised South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg’s marriage, calling it “absolutely fine. I think it’s something that perhaps some people will have a problem with. I have no problem with it whatsoever. I think it’s good.”

“By restricting himself to having anal sex with a single faithful partner he is avoiding the type of health risks that plague individuals who seek out multiple hook-ups with random strangers,” Trump explained. “So, I think he has made a wise and healthy personal choice. His political choices, on the other hand, aren’t so wise or healthy. He’s immersed in the insanity of the Democrat Party’s big-government agenda to promote programs and policies that will bankrupt the country and impoverish the American people.”

Unmoved by Trump’s tolerance, Buttigieg pointed out that “your vice-president refuses to accept anal sex as a natural appetite and bodily function. This kind of homophobia is hurting other people. Having him as your running mate proves you are unfit for public office.”

In related news, Buttigieg, a self-proclaimed devout Christian, asserted that “Christianity has extremist factions that are just as dangerous as Islamic jihadis. For example, many Christians reject the idea that gay marriage is legitimate. How is this different from Muslims stoning gays?” Apprised that Muslim stoning definitely does not entail making gays smoke weed until they get high, Buttigieg acknowledged “well, maybe I chose a bad example to illustrate my point, but there is no denying that Christians can be as bad as Muslims. That’s why I believe in turning the other cheek.”

Dems Assail State Laws Restricting Abortion

This week, Alabama and Missouri enacted legislation severely restricting abortions carried out in their states. In Missouri, abortions after eight weeks of pregnancy were banned. In Alabama all abortions except those necessary to preserve the life or health of the mother were outlawed.

Sen. Kamala Harris (Calif) called these laws “an invitation to inflict the nightmare from The Handmaid’s Tale on the women of this country.” Unfortunately for her argument, in The Handmaid’s Tale fertile women are enslaved, raped, and forced to bear children for the ruling class. Neither of these state laws does anything remotely like that. These laws aim to protect unborn humans from being murdered in the womb.

Margaret Atwood’s novel wasn’t the only textual source cited by Harris for her opposition. She also claimed that “these laws are an unconstitutional violation of the Supreme Court’s 1973 Roe v. Wade decree that a woman’s right to abort her unwanted child is an unalienable right. The Court, in its wisdom, discerned that the fetus has no rights which society is bound to respect.”

Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand (NY) concurred with her colleague and added her contention that “these laws violate our Christian faith. Christians believe in free will. A woman’s decision to terminate her pregnancy is an exercise of free will. Government has no authority to interfere in such a decision. What it does have is an obligation to make sure that every woman in America, no matter what state she lives in or how much money she has in her pocket, can have guaranteed access to safe, legal and free abortion. This means public funding of the procedure. That’s why the Court should also overturn the Hyde Amendment that prohibits federal taxpayer money from being use to finance these procedures. If the Court hasn’t done this by the time I become president, I will do it by executive order.”

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (Calif) also insisted that “preventing mothers from disposing of unwanted children is unconstitutional. It’s the type of cruel and unusual punishment that is banned by the Eighth Amendment. Trump’s refusal to send federal troops to arrest the Alabama legislators who committed this atrocity will be added to the list of offenses for which we will impeach him.”

Meanwhile, Colorado Secretary of State Jena Griswold has banned Coloradans from traveling to Alabama, “lest they be stranded there without access to safe and free abortions. Abortions are a constitutional right enacted by the Supreme Court. Until such a time that the Court slaps down Alabama’s attack on this right I cannot allow our state’s inhabitants to take the risk of traveling to this dangerous ‘no-go zone.’”

New York May Move to Restrict Residents from Leaving

As the flow of residents leaving the state has negatively impacted the taxes that can be extracted from these mostly well-off individuals, the government of New York is weighing options to rectify the situation. An idea gaining traction is the imposition of a “certificate of need” to determine whether each resident desiring to emigrate can demonstrate a sufficient urgency justifying the request to leave.

Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D) averred that “we need to reconsider the notion that a resident can decide whether to leave the state without justifiable cause. We understand that the desire to avoid the high taxes we impose is a strong motivating factor for the individual to move out. However, such a decision has anti-social connotations and negatively affects both those left behind and the governments that must care for them.”

“The really bad aspect of the situation from our perspective is that the out-migration is heavily weighted toward those who have money,” Cuomo explained. “They leave behind a growing cohort of persons who depend on the government for necessities like food and housing. This aggravates a cycle of dwindling means to sustain a proportionally increasing dependent population. I believe we have a moral obligation to intervene to prevent this from spiraling out of control.”

“We have regulatory precedents on which to craft an appropriate response,” Cuomo continued. “On a personal level, residents of this state must prove to the satisfaction of the government that they have sufficient need for a firearm before we issue them permission to carry one. I think we can use a similar approach to the emigration problem in that before anyone can legally move out of the state he must persuade regulatory authorities that his need to do so is sufficiently dire to justify it. If authorities are not persuaded that the proposed move benefits both the individual and the state, permission would be denied. The individual and his taxable assets would be required to remain in New York.”

California Gov. Gavin Newsom called Cuomo’s idea “intriguing. For too long we’ve allowed a knee-jerk acceptance of individual freedom to run roughshod over every individual’s duty to do what’s right for the collective welfare of society. This ‘rugged individualism’ is not a modern way of thinking. It’s time we realize that letting everyone do as he pleases at the cost of leaving his fellow man to fend for himself is morally wrong. Maybe it’s time for government to step in to force wayward individuals to do what’s best for all.”

Comey Credits Communist Past for His “High Moral Character”

Under continuing investigation by Attorney General William Barr for his “strange” decisions and actions regarding the Trump candidacy and presidency, former FBI Director James Comey cited “my earlier communist ideology for providing a steady ethical weather vane to guide me toward doing the right thing.”

Comey dismissed contentions that federal law enforcement officials should not interfere in political matters as “bourgeois delusion. The higher duty is to the collective well-being of mankind. Sometimes following the law fulfills this duty. At other times going beyond the bounds of the law may be required in order to achieve this duty. The clear consensus of those of us working for President Obama was that Donald Trump presented the most severe threat to the collective of any of the candidates running in the 2016 campaign. Recusing ourselves from using the vast powers at hand was not an option.”

“We would have succeeded if Rosenstein hadn’t double crossed us,” he complained. “He was supposed to testify that Trump ordered him to write the memo advising that I be fired. That would have clearly established the charge of obstruction. But he weaseled out, saying he needed to preserve his options in case things went south. Now he’s out there pretending he was some sort of a mole inside our conspiracy to save the country from Trump. It’s disgusting to see that some people have no sense of honor or integrity.”

The former FBI Director expressed “profound disappointment at the failure of our efforts to accomplish the mission” and admitted that “I am also hurt that fellow communist John Brennan is now breaking ranks and trying to save himself by blaming me for all the laws that were broken. I wrote the book on loyalty. Brennan should follow the lead that I laid out in my book. We still have allies within the government and we should all stick together during the perilous times to come. In the long run, communism will win. Marx clearly laid that out in his dialectical materialism analysis of history. Getting there with as little damage as possible to the true patriots must be our common goal.”

For his part, Brennan questioned “whether Comey truly understands the principles and methods of the fight for the communist revolution. Accusing others has a long history within the communist movement. Lenin and Stalin set the example. That Comey would complain rather than accept the blame the movement has decided he must in order to advance the revolution is a betrayal of the ideals the movement is trying to implement as the new ethos for the working class utopia.”

Colorado/New Mexico Immigration Tiff

Colorado’s Gov. Jared Polis (D) is miffed that New Mexico’s Gov. Michelle Lujan Grisham (D) has been busing unwanted illegal immigrants into his state. “She’s the one who left the border open for the swarms of immigrants and asylum seekers that have caused her state so many problems,” Polis said. “Now she trying to smuggle them into Colorado. It’s a sneaky underhanded trick.”

Grisham defended her actions saying that “it is only fair that the burdens be shared among the states. Gov. Polis is a supporter of open borders. Why shouldn’t his state welcome the arrival of people all we Democrats agree ought to be allowed into America? It’s not as if I acted unilaterally. We coordinated with Annunciation House, a nonprofit that works with migrants along the El Paso, Texas/Juarez, Mexico border to accomplish the transport of our excess supply of asylum seekers to an area comparatively deficient in the quantity of these public charges living within their state. Besides, the number transported so far is only 55 persons. Polis is making a mountain out of a molehill.”

“It’s not the quantity that is the issue,” Polis objected. “The issue is our being forced to take people we don’t want in our state. If we had been consulted in advance we would’ve contributed money to have these people bused to Mar-a-Lago. That’s where all the refugees should be sent to teach Trump that the transformation of the United States via floods of immigrants cannot be stopped.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Dem Wants to Revive Star Chamber Court

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Frustrated with the unsatisfactory results of the Mueller Report, chairman of the House Intelligence Committee Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) wants to initiate Congressional trials for members of the Trump Administration “who defy our demands for documents and testimony.”

Schiff characterized these prosecutions as “mini-trials that could be conducted without the presence of the accused. They would be tasked with a simple decision: has the accused complied with our demands or not. The House would render judgment and determine whether the accused would be jailed, fined, or both. With fines running up to $25,000 per day of continued disobedience, not to mention the legal fees involved in hiring defense attorneys, could quickly become financially ruinous. I think this would tend to inspire cooperation.”

He likened this approach to “the financial pressure Mueller applied to General Flynn, which, as we all saw, induced his cooperation. Or in the case of Michael Cohen resulted in a plea of guilty to a non-existent crime. It is time we ran with the baton that has been passed to us by Special Counsel Mueller for the next leg of our effort to rid the nation of Trump and his henchmen.”

Schiff ally, House Judiciary Committee Chairman Jerry Nadler (D-NY), who vigorously denounced the GOP in 2012 for holding former Attorney General Eric Holder in contempt for his many refusals to respond to Republican subpoenas during the “Fast and Furious” gun running operation carried out by the Obama Administration, rejected any comparison. “First and foremost, President Obama was a Nobel Prize winner,” Nadler pointed out. “That alone should put anything he did above reproach. Second, the claimed ill-effects of Fast and Furious were insignificant compared to the widely acknowledged threat to world civilization presented by President Trump.”

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif), though, offered a word of caution, pointing out that “over 60 million deplorables voted for Trump. Our prisons are apt to become quickly overloaded if we have to start jailing all those disloyal to the long term consensus between the Washington Republicans and Democrats who have cooperatively and convivially shared power since the 1930s.”

In related news, Democrats in New York State have introduced a “bill of attainder” that would authorize the state’s tax commissioner to hand over the confidential income tax returns of any New York resident to Congress. As Gov Andrew Cuomo explained, “we need to be able to breach the wall of privacy in order to assist Congress in its efforts to rid the country of dangerous persons like Donald Trump.”

Sanders Brandishes Progressive Credentials

Irked by rival contender for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination former Vice-President Joe Biden’s claim to be the most progressive candidate in the race, Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-Vt) advised voters to “look at our comparative actions. Claims should be backed up by deeds.”

“I have been advocating for socialism for decades,” Sanders boasted. “Meanwhile, Joe has been groping and sniffing every female he can get close to. I ask: which of these behaviors is the more progressive?”

For his part, Biden pointed out that “free love has long been an integral part of progressive doctrine. By taking the initiative to show my love for those humans within my reach I am in step with this doctrine. I am not ashamed of this and I urge voters to compare my style of progressivism with Bernie’s insistence that murderers and rapists in prison be given the right to vote.”

Sanders characterized Biden’s view as “self-serving and exploitive. My love for all of humanity, even those who stray from moral norms is more Christ-like than anything Joe has done in his entire life. Not only do I think that felons should be able to vote for who shall govern America, I have also hired one as a senior campaign adviser.” The felon hired by Sanders is Charles Rocha, was convicted for embezzling money from the United Steelworkers Union. Rocha used the money to buy to buy hockey tickets and golf trips, expenses he asserted were necessary for his “mental well-being.”

In related news, Biden asserts that the US “has a moral obligation to provide health care for everyone who needs it—including those in the country illegally. I know Republicans will claim that this is fiscally beyond ours means, but they lie. America is the richest nation in the world. Our citizens spend a lot of their money on non-necessities. They could easily get by with a lot less. What I am suggesting is that we repeal the Trump tax cuts and take people’s excess income and use it for the nobler purpose of healing the sick regardless of where they came from or how they got here.”

Kerry Defends Undermining Trump’s Iran Policy

Former Secretary of State and failed 2004 presidential candidate John Kerry brushed off President Trump’s charges that he is illegally undermining the Administration’s policy toward Iran. According to various media reports, Kerry has been secretly advising the Iranian dictatorship and its European allies to ignore Trump and stick with the deal he and former President Obama made.

Kerry asserts that he is “representing the true consensus of opinion on the proper relationship between the United States and Iran—one based on mutual trust and respect. Trump’s attitude of America first and his publicly expressed suspicion of Iran’s motives threatens the gains made during the Obama Administration.”

To bolster his case, Kerry cited Trump’s moves to curtail the funding mechanism he and Obama contrived to seal the so-called nuclear deal. “These funds are a vital part of Iran’s outreach to its allies around the world, “ Kerry said. “Without them Iran’s quest to fulfill its religious obligation to spread Islam throughout the world could be crippled. Weapons critical to Hamas’ efforts to eliminate the Jewish occupation of Palestine and end the Jewish conspiracy to make soft drinks excessively fizzy in order to make Muslims fart more during Ramadan need these funds. Trump’s attempts to try to interdict these funds aggravates global warming.”

Comey Calls Deep State Conspiracy “Totally Normal”

In a “town hall” on CNN, fired former FBI Director James Comey contended that the “operation” to surveil a presidential candidate is a “totally normal activity for the FBI to undertake. After all, intelligence gathering is an essential tool we use to defend the United States against all enemies—both foreign and domestic. Trump isn’t the only candidate who has been a focus of this sort of investigation. He is merely the first to have survived such an effort.”

Comey explained that “inserting covert agents into the Trump campaign was standard procedure. Sending our guys—Mifsud and Halper—to tell Papadopoulos that the Russians had ‘dirt’ on Clinton was crucial to establishing the predicate for later steps taken to obtain FISA permission to wiretap the campaign. Without the implication that there was a direct link between the campaign and the Russian government I doubt the court would’ve granted the access we wanted. We all knew that the link was bogus, but with national security at stake we felt the ruse was necessary.”

Despite the fact that the Special Prosecutor’s report on Trump Russia collusion found no evidence to support the accusation, Comey says he remains “optimistic that obstruction of justice charges may still take the President down. When suspects are interviewed numerous times small variations in their testimony can be construed as lying. Lying to federal law officials like the Special Counsel or agents in the FBI is illegal. So, even if there is no actual crime per se, any variations from one account to another can still be prosecuted.”

When CNN’s Anderson Cooper pointed out that Comey, himself lied to Trump when he assured him he was “not a target of the FBI investigation,” Comey advised Cooper that “the courts have long sanctioned lying by law-enforcement personnel in order to entrap suspects in the act of obstructing the investigation. It’s a stacked deck, but it is a court approved bias in the application of laws regarding perjury.”

Meanwhile, Rep. Hakeem Jeffries (D-NY) chided Trump for “unnecessarily embarrassing the hard working government officials who so patriotically strove to remove him from office. There was no need to shame FBI employees like Peter Strzok and Lisa Page for cheating on their spouses, denigrating Trump’s deplorable supporters, and misusing government equipment or employees like James Comey for leaking classified information, forgiving Hillary Clinton’s technical crimes and lying to the American people. The President’s descent into this kind of indecency is just further evidence of his unfitness for office.”

Pelosi Demands that Trump “Self-Impeach”

Weary of battling with the President, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) demands that he “self-impeach. Almost everyone in Washington agrees that he is the most despicable person to ever hold public office. Just the other day Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer expressed the same opinion. And behind closed doors, most of our Republican colleagues concur. Surely the hatred of this man has reached critical mass.”

Pelosi suggested that “impeaching himself might be the only way to avert the intelligence community from arranging his assassination. He should take a lesson from history. If the CIA could successfully eliminate as beloved a man as President Kennedy, there should be little doubt that they could similarly take out Trump.”

“Of course, a possible downside is turning Trump into a martyr and seeing Pence use that to push through legislation that we wouldn’t be able to block,” she feared. “But I’m pretty confident that our media friends won’t let that happen. After the past three years of endless vilification directed at Trump, I believe promoting a ‘sic temper tyrannis’ meme is well within our grasp. However, our hope is that our GOP friends can go to Trump and persuade him that life as a private citizen is preferable to a bullet in the head, an unfortunate accident or terrorist attack. In any case and by any means, we cannot accept a second term for Donald Trump.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Dems Demand Copy of Unredacted Mueller Report

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Despite the fact that the copy of the Special Counsel’s released to the public shows less than 10 percent was redacted and despite the fact that a completely unredacted copy is available for key members of Congress to read (an opportunity no Democrat has yet to seize), Rep. Jerrold Nadler, chairman of the House Judiciary Committee, demanded that Attorney General Barr turnover a completely unredacted copy or join him in petitioning the courts to void the law prohibiting grand jury testimony and classified information from being published.

“Speaker Pelosi has already publicly characterized Barr as immoral, unethical, corrupt and unpatriotic,” Nadler pointed out. “If Barr wants this vilification to stop he will need to accede to our demands. Just because Special Counsel Mueller declined to press charges against many of those who testified in his grand jury proceedings doesn’t mean they should get off scot-free. Everyone knows that Trump and his minions represent the dregs of humanity. Anything we can do to make this clear to the American public is vital to the survival of our democracy. Having the means to publicize selectively edited excerpts from the redacted portions of the report is essential to this effort’s success.”

Sen. Dick Durbin seconded Nadler’s remarks and added a demand that Barr “recuse himself from any further involvement connected with any investigations of the heroic government officials who have been covertly working to reverse the monumental error of electing Donald Trump president. He should follow the example set by his predecessor Jeff Sessions, who correctly stepped aside to allow the intelligence community to continue their efforts to save the country from this tyrant. There is no good reason why these patriots should have their livelihoods endangered and their reputations smeared for doing the right thing.”

Barr rejected these demands, pointing out that “my predecessor’s dereliction of duty is not an appropriate model for how an Attorney General should proceed. Whether those who spied on and conspired against candidate, and later president, Trump, thought they were doing the right thing shouldn’t shield them from the consequences of doing illegal things. We will continue to investigate, and if we find evidence that supports the prosecution of any of the individuals involved, those prosecutions will go forward.”

A most disconcerting development for the Democrats was the release of CNN poll results indicating that nearly 70% of respondents favor the investigation being carried out by the Department of Justice. Even worse, 76% of Democrats surveyed endorse this investigation. CNN talking head Chris Cuomo pronounced himself “gobsmacked by these results. This is contrary to everything I believe should have happened based on our reporting. How could our audience have gone so far off the rails?”

Meanwhile, Late Show host Steven Colbert expressed a desire to “wring the neck” of Barr, citing “the Constitution’s unalienable right of the people to abolish the government and institute a new government more to our liking” as a justification. “Trump and his henchmen are on the verge of undoing the legacy left us by President Obama,” he said. “Surely, this warrants the same sort of extreme action taken by the Founding Fathers to end the tyranny they faced in 1776.”

China’s Role in US Politics

Former presidential candidate Hillary Clinton called for Chinese hackers to “get Trump’s tax returns” and suggested that “our media would richly reward you.” She intended these remarks as a reminder of Trump’s jibe during the 2016 campaign asking if the Russians could find the 30,000 emails she deleted and advising them that they would be richly rewarded by the US media.

However, Clinton’s joke is not only stale, it runs counter to her repeated claims that Trump’s 2016 joke was “proof he colluded with Russia.” If her copycat call for Chinese intervention in the 2020 isn’t a lame attempt at humor, then by her own previous reasoning it implicates her in a scheme to illegally secure foreign meddling in the next presidential election.

Whether Clinton could credibly pass off her remarks as a joke is dubious, though. The Clinton’s have been the recipients of Chinese money in the form of contributions to Bill’s 1996 reelection campaign and donations to the Clinton Foundation.

Continuing this tradition, the current front-runner for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination, Joe Biden, also has had some questionable interactions with the Chinese government. After a 2013 visit to China to discuss trade and technology, Biden’s son Hunter’s company received a $1.5 billion equity investment from the Chinese government. Coincidentally, Biden now downplays the idea that we have anything to fear from China’s theft of technology from US companies or its hostile moves in the South China Sea.

Rival presidential contender Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vt), though, criticized Biden’s “casual dismissal of the Chinese threat. Their unfair trade practices may enrich their American friends in high places, but they are stealing jobs from American workers. From his words and his deeds it is clear that the American people shouldn’t trust Joe Biden to defend their livelihoods if he were to become president.”

O’Rourke Touts “Budget Green New Deal”

Democratic presidential candidate, former Rep. Beto O’Rourke (Tex) sought to stake out a middle ground vs. more radical opponents by offering what he dubbed “a Budget Green New Deal” with a price tag of only $5 trillion vs. the $93 trillion over ten years cost estimate of the American Action Forum.

“The key to cost-effectively achieving the desired results is to focus on the minimal public sector outlays required to simply outlaw all fossil fuels and police the enforcement of this rule,” O’Rourke explained. “Others have gone astray by trying to calculate the huge private sector costs in terms of lowered employment and lowered standards of living. In my view, these are not legitimate problems. They are features.”

“Global warming was not a threat before fossil fuels took over our economy,” he pointed out. “Consequently, the most expeditious path toward averting its catastrophic consequences is to simply reverse course. Folks were able to live meaningful lives without the polluting modern conveniences that we’ve become addicted to. Sure, walking rather than driving to work narrows the scope of employment opportunities, but it also means that buying local will be the only viable option for most people. This will help people to get to know their neighbors in a way reminiscent of bygone days.”

Beto’s proposal was assailed by rival presidential candidate Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) who pointed out that “in bygone days there was no public welfare program. Everyone was forced to support themselves or rely on the kindness of others. Today, government benefits provide for the needs of those unable or unwilling to work. The $88 trillion Beto proposes we could save under his program would deny this population’s right to sustenance.”

For his part, O’Rourke maintains that “the millions of newcomers crossing into our country from Mexico are used to working for a living. This will benefit many in unexpected ways. Many Americans who come home from a day at the office to face a plethora of household chores will be able to acquire one or more of these newcomers ready to perform these chores. New social bonds between master and servant will enrich lives currently wasted on idle entertainments like TV, video games, and joyriding. Life will be more earthy and fulfilling.”

Dem Touts Abortion “Efficiency”

The argument for late-term abortion and infanticide reached a new low in the Alabama House of Representatives this week when Rep. John Rogers (D-Birmingham) opposed legislation that would outlaw abortions except in cases where the mother’s life was imperiled by letting the pregnancy result in birth.

Rogers vociferously denounced “the foolish and futile effort to prevent expecting mothers from disposing of children they do not want. The toll on society from blocking the birth of unwanted individuals is vast. Everyone connected to these children, as well as the children themselves, are headed for immense suffering and expense. Handling the problem before it can fester into a societal scourge by terminating the fetus is both more merciful and efficient.”

Fellow Democrat Rep. Merika Coleman (Birmingham) defended Rogers’ position, saying that “until we can assure that every child has adequate health care it makes sense to winnow the herd of those most likely to suffer under the present horrific inadequacies of the system. If we can’t guarantee a child will have a happy life I see no problem from sparing them pain by euthanizing them before they are aware of what’s happening. Even if they suffer a few moments of pain during the procedure they are saved from a wasted lifetime.”

Despite Democrats’ objections, the law passed the House. It is also expected to pass the Senate. The ACLU of Alabama promises to sue. Executive Director Randall Marshall called the legislation “unconstitutional. In 1973 the US Supreme Court decided that women have an unalienable right to abort unwanted children. Since federal law is supreme, no state has the authority to infringe on this right.”

Jeb Bush Defends Sanctuary Cities

Seeking to ensure that he can never again run for office, former Florida Republican Governor Jeb Bush took issue with current Florida Republican Governor Ron DeSantis’ support of legislation aimed at penalizing cities that provide sanctuary for illegal alien criminals.

“I just don’t see sanctuary cities as a problem,” Bush asserted. “Immigrants coming to the United States is an act of love. We should all be welcoming them. It shouldn’t be left to a daring few communities to bear the sole burden of sheltering them.”

Even in the case of immigrants with a criminal history, Bush was adamant that “the fact that criminals come to the United States shows that they, too, love us. They could have continued their profession in their countries of origin, but they took the trouble and effort to come here. That ought to count in their favor.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Brennan Defends Conspiracy Against Trump

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Former CIA Director John Brennan rebutted President Trump’s characterization of the actions of a deep-state cabal to try to prevent his election and undermine his presidency as “an attempted coup.”

“Trump has it exactly backwards,” Brennan argued. “It was Trump’s exploitation of a flaw in the Constitution that allowed him to sneak into the White House despite losing the popular vote to Sec. Clinton that was the real coup. Those of us working to prevent the real coup are the real heroes in this story.”

“The ascension of a former secretary of state to the office of president has historical precedent,” Brennan observed. “The attempt to install an unproven private businessman into this important office is the outlier. When President Obama called on the intelligence community to save the nation from this threat all of us—myself, James Clapper, James Comey and a crew of dedicated patriots rose to the occasion. My only regret is that we have not yet been successful in achieving our objective.”

The former CIA Chief remains optimistic that “we can still work with Congress to oust this unqualified interloper. There is nothing to stop the Democratically controlled House from voting to impeach. And the FBI has tons of compromising material on so many members of the Senate that could still be used to persuade enough Republicans to vote to convict and remove Trump from office.”

Sens. Chuck Grassley (R-Iowa) and Homeland Security Committee chair Ron Johnson (R-Wisc) were undaunted by Brennan’s thinly veiled threat and called for an investigation of “the trail of evidence indicating widespread and improper surveillance activities of candidate and President Trump by the FBI and others within the intelligence community.”

In related news, seeking to distance himself from Brennan’s “crew of patriots,” U.S. Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein criticized Obama’s “misuse of intelligence assets for political purposes” and blasted former FBI Director Comey for “illegally leaking classified documents to the media.” He also predicted that “the wire I wore while pretending to be a co-conspirator collected information that will prove very useful in future prosecution of these criminals.”

Biden Jumps into Race for Dem Nomination

This week, former Vice-President Joe Biden announced “I am making myself available for voters to elect me the next president of the United States.” Anxious to appeal to his party’s lunatic caucus, Biden unleashed an epic gaffe fest.

First among many bloopers, Biden asserted that “Trump is the worst thing to happen to the world in my lifetime.” Well, World War II was in full swing in 1942 when Biden was born. Fifty million people died in that war. This was followed by several other wars in Korea, Vietnam, Afghanistan, Iraq in which hundreds of thousands were killed. Biden’s lifespan has also encompassed the nuclear standoff of the Cuban missile crisis, the assassination of the Kennedys, and the 9/11 terrorist attacks on New York City and Washington, DC. Surely, at least one of these events has to be worse than the rising incomes and record low unemployment inflicted on Americans by Trump’s economic policies.

Biden lurched from his “worst thing” claim to a recasting of Hillary Clinton’s dismissal of Trump voters as “deplorables” to his own characterization of them as “the dregs of society. These are people who are so selfish that they object to paying higher taxes to cover the living expenses of the flood of newcomers crossing into this country yearning to eat free. We need these people to help elect Democrats who will continue the transformation of America promised by President Obama.”

The ex-Veep went on to praise Antifa for “having the courage to fight for progressive ideals in our country. What the Republicans contend is unwarranted violence against innocent individuals is, in reality, focused force meant to instill a redistribution of wealth from those who have earned it to those who need it. Hopefully, the beatings, arson, and vandalism that have been necessitated by some people’s continued resistance to social change will abate when their acquiescence becomes the norm.”

The person most disappointed by Biden entering the competition for the 2020 presidential election is Sen. Cory Booker (D-NJ). “I was hoping that he would designate me this generation’s ‘clean, articulate, and good looking guy,’” Booker lamented. “Maybe it’s my own fault. I’ve already committed to a female running mate. So I can’t pay Joe back like Obama did. But a possible win-win scenario might be for Joe to identify as female. Having a transgender running mate would be even better for me and it might neutralize the groping, nuzzling, and sniffing concerns about Joe since it would just be girl-on-girl action.”

In related news, Sen. Mitt Romney reacted to President Trump’s complaint that “if you’d hit Obama as hard as you hit me, you might have been president” by pointing out that “Obama was a clean, articulate and good looking guy. You’re not.”

Hillary Advises Dems on Impeachment

Defeated presidential candidate Hillary Clinton urged Democrats to press ahead with impeachment hearings, reminding them that “unlike court proceedings, impeachment hearings aren’t restricted by judicial rules of evidence. There doesn’t have to be an actual crime to impeach Trump. Congress, itself, is the sole judge of whether to go forward and how to conduct the removal process.”

“In this process, members of Congress are constitutionally immune from any repercussions for any slander they may utter while in session,” Clinton continued. “They can level any accusations they want, the more lurid, the better. Congress can deny any cross examination of its witnesses by the Republicans. There is no judge to block statements as irrelevant, incompetent, and immaterial.”

“Afterwards, the media will hype the accusations emphasizing the seriousness of the charges to a gullible TV audience,” Clinton added. “The incessant drumbeat of this message day-after-day leading up to the November 2020 elections will drown out any other issue that the GOP might try to use to persuade voters to reelect Trump. Or better still, the negative energy pouring forth from the unending attacks may prompt Trump to resign like Nixon did under a similar barrage in 1974.”

Prison Inmates Have Right to Vote

Contender for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vt) vehemently insisted that “our democracy entitles every person to cast a vote. Just because a person is in jail convicted of murder or rape shouldn’t block him from having a voice in selecting who shall govern.”

“We need to be both open-minded and true to the democratic ideal no matter how disappointed we might be in the behavior of some of our fellow citizens,” Sanders maintained. “I realize that opposition to murder and rape is the majority opinion in the United States, but the minority still has a right to fight for a different perspective. Also, it is apparent to me that in some parts of the world the murder and rape of segments of the population who are deemed outside of acceptable norms has broad support among the majority of the population in some countries.”

“So, in my opinion, if we’re going to have democracy it must be open to all ideas,” the Senator opined. “If we start imposing behavioral restrictions that decree certain kinds of actions are so terrible that the individual who has carried out these actions cannot participate as a voter, then we are no longer a democracy.”

NYC Takes Steps to Undo Civilization

Fearful that today’s modern lifestyle places too much burden on the Earth’s environment, Mayor Bill deBlasio is spearheading what he terms an aggressive “advance to the past” policy. The approach is two-pronged. Key areas for reform are to include housing and diet.

On the housing front, the Mayor pledges to ban high-rise buildings. “Skyscrapers are inefficient and contribute to global warming,” he asserted. “If we look at the cost per square foot they are much more expensive than single-story buildings. So, clearly we need to go back to living closer to the ground.”

“As an initial step, we will be rezoning the bulk of the City to encourage more Earth-friendly forms of construction,” deBlasio said. “Instead of steel and concrete we will be favoring ‘daub and wattle’ or adobe brick construction. These more natural building materials don’t require blast furnaces to produce. Ordinary people can harvest the mud from the waterways surrounding much of the City and carry out the actual construction themselves.”

On the diet front, the Mayor aims to eliminate the hot dog from New Yorkers’ menus. “We all know that processed meats are unhealthy,” deBlasio pointed out. “Why should we allow people to eat them if we have the power to prevent it? A healthier and more environmentally beneficial alternative would be for the daub and wattle dwellers to catch and eat the millions of rats that infest our town. They’d be simultaneously exterminating a pest and enjoying the advantages of consuming an organically raised source of protein.”

“To help popularize this intended dietary change, the annual Nathan’s hot dog-eating contest could be replaced by a rat-eating contest,” the Mayor suggested. “In many parts of the world rodents are a part of the normal food intake. I’m sure there are many tasty ways of preparing this food.”

Critics have argued that rats consume a lot of insects and garbage. DeBlasio was undeterred by this possibility. “People could eat the insects and a lot of the so-called garbage could be recycled for human consumption, just like in Venezuela” he imagined. “We can’t allow squeamishness to divert us from undertaking actions needed to save the planet from global warming.”

NJ Guv Pushes to Disarm Law-Abiding

New Jersey Gov. Philip Murphy (D) is pushing a plan to raise the cost of legally owning a firearm in his state. Under his proposed legislation, the fee for obtaining a concealed carry permit would be boosted from its current $20 to $400. Murphy claims this will make the state a safer place.

“The idea that a citizen should be armed as a form of self-defense is seriously flawed,” Murphy said. “In the typical confrontation with an armed criminal he already has his weapon pointed at you. Any attempt to resist his demands is not likely to go well for you. You are better off being unarmed. You will avoid a shootout and he may let you live.”

“Even if you have a reasonable chance to draw your weapon, the criminal is likely more experienced than you are when it comes to shooting people,” the Governor went on. “I mean, honestly ask yourself whether you have enough confidence to go up against a more skilled gunman. On top of this there is the possibility that bystanders could be hit. Would you want to initiate a hostile response that could endanger others? Even if you’re careful about not injuring bystanders, do you think your assailant shares the same level of concern?”

“Ideally, all personal gun ownership should be outlawed,” Murphy envisioned. “Then only outlaws would have guns and the police could simply shoot them on sight. That would be the best of all possible worlds.”

In related news, presidential contender Sen. Kamala Harris (D-Calif) vows to implement gun confiscation by Executive Order if Congress fails to enact legislation toward this end within 100 days of her inauguration.

Dem Offers Alternative to Abortion

Illinois state Rep. Dianne Pappas (D-Itasca) offered what she says would be “the ultimate solution for ending abortions—castrating all men. All these pro-lifers who fret over the termination of unwanted children through abortion or euthanasia after birth could easily avert this so-called horror if they would agree with my ‘plan B.’”

“Do they have the balls to step up to the plate and take the step necessary to eliminate all future need for the abortion procedure?” Pappas wanted to know. “I suppose there’d be prattle about how we would propagate the human race if all men were castrated. But is propagating the human race really necessary?”

“You know, many ethnobiologists argue that the planet would be better off if humans went extinct,” Pappas pointed out. “If, for the sake of argument, we assume that the human race should not go extinct, I believe science has the means to reproduce humans without resorting to the primitive and risky method of sexual intercourse. Even in a worst case scenario, if we have to have men involved in the process, their sperm could be harvested before castration and stored for future use if needed.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.