Mueller Expands Staff

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
JohnIn the wake of former FBI Director James Comey’s admission that there is no evidence of collusion between Trump and the Russians to rig last year’s presidential election, independent counsel Robert Mueller has initiated a major expansion of his staff.
“Inasmuch as it is inconceivable that a person as qualified as Secretary Clinton could be beaten by a boorish amateur like Donald Trump in a fair contest, there has to have been some sort of underhanded manipulation involved,” Mueller reasoned. “My good friend James Comey valiantly tried to soldier on before he was improperly dismissed by his obviously guilty target. Clearly, this calls for ramping up the effort to generate actionable charges against an illegitimate usurper.”
Thus far, Mueller has added 13 new attorneys—all with notable ties to the Democratic Party—to his prosecuting team. “One of the things that I think hampered Jim’s effort was his reliance on the politically unvetted staff of career FBI personnel,” Mueller opined. “It’s likely that some of those personnel harbored secret sympathy with Trump and the Republican Party. I can see how that would have impeded the investigation. My recruitment of a staff that has a unified worldview ensures that everyone will be coming at this from the same direction.”
Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) warned Republicans against questioning Mueller’s actions or integrity. “Rather than assail the political affiliations of the most qualified lawyers in the country Republicans ought to be asking themselves why those at the top of the profession are all Democrats,” Schumer advised. “Why should the Independent Counsel have to bypass the best in a vain attempt to simulate a balanced or unbiased image?”
One Republican who is not heeding Schumer’s warning is President Trump who labeled Mueller’s actions “the single greatest WITCH HUNT in American political history” and suggested that Mueller’s long personal relationship with Comey and his connections to the Democratic Party manifest a “conflict of interest.”
The language of the special counsel statute would seem to require Mueller to recuse himself from serving. According to the statute, a person cannot serve as a special counsel if he has “a personal relationship with any person substantially involved in the investigation or prosecution.” Mueller’s long-term personal relationship with the “substantially involved” Comey appears disqualifying.
Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) insisted that “Mueller’s friendship toward Comey shouldn’t be used against him. If anything, it should reinforce our confidence that the two of them could work together in a common cause. Let us not forget that it was Comey’s leak of a memo he wrote that got the ball rolling on the whole special counsel thing. Removing Mueller and bringing in some stranger would jettison the symbiotic benefits of allowing a proven partnership to continue this vital persecution.”
Schiff went on to add that “Trump may think that as president he can control who works for the executive branch, but previous presidents who tried to act on that premise were impeached. In 1868, President Andrew Johnson was impeached for firing a cabinet member without consulting congress. In 1974, President Nixon only escaped impeachment by resigning after he fired special prosecutor Archibald Cox. Trump may think that because there is no evidence of any illegal collusion between his campaign and the Russians that further investigation would be fruitless, but he is wrong. Bush adviser Scooter Libby committed no initial crime, but his inconsistent answers under interrogation obstructed the investigation and sent him to prison.”
In related news, Sen. Patrick Leahy (D-Vt) demanded that Trump desist from using social media while he is under investigation, contending that “his ‘tweets’ are akin to ‘jury-tampering.’ The ‘jury’ in the case of Trump is going to be the US Senate after the House impeaches him. Allowing Trump to attempt to influence Senators by tweeting to their constituents would poison the jury pool. Senators need to be free from outside influences so we can vote to remove him from office without fear of political repercussions.”
Dems Respond to Attempted Massacre of GOP Lawmakers
This week’s rifle assault by former Sanders for President volunteer James Hodgkinson on Republican members of congress practicing for the annual charity baseball game with their Democratic colleagues severely wounded House Majority Whip Steve Scalise (R-La) and injured several others. The assault had apparently been planned after the New York Times published the location of the GOP practice back in April.
Law enforcement authorities profess themselves baffled and unable to conceive of a motive for the attack. Hodgkinson’s Internet post asserting “Trump is a Traitor. Trump Has Destroyed Our Democracy. It’s Time To Destroy Trump & Co.” and the fact that he was a member of “Terminate the Republican Party” Facebook Group was described by Acting FBI Director Andrew McCabe as “too ambiguous and vague to provide much of a clue.”
House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) blamed Republicans “for instigating the cycle of violence when they smeared President Bill Clinton for having sex with a White House intern. That a nation’s ruler would have sexual liaisons with a variety of women is a time-honored tradition extending back to David and Bathsheba. More recently President Kennedy hooked up with many nubile young women. This right of rulers was disrespected by Republicans when they impeached our president for being a normal man.”
“The cycle was reinvigorated when the GOP refused to support President Obama’s transformation of the United States,” Pelosi continued. “At virtually every turn they resisted him—claiming that his programs were unwise or too expensive. Then there was the misogynistic denial of Hillary Clinton’s rightful claim to the presidency. We shouldn’t be surprised that the GOP’s racist, anti-progressive and sexist attitudes have spurred downtrodden individuals like Mr. Hodgkinson, who no doubt was upset by the injustice done to Secretary Clinton, to take desperate measures.”
Malcolm Harris, who writes for The Washington Post called Hodgkinson’s sniper attack “an act of self-defense. As Rep. Pelosi so aptly pointed out, the Republican health care bill will literally kill Americans. So they shouldn’t be surprised if some of their intended victims try to preempt this threat. What saddens me is that Hodgkinson wasn’t a better marksman.”
In Nebraska, Chelsey Gentry-Tipton, chairwoman of the state Democratic Party’s Black Caucus, found the shooting and its aftermath humorous, saying that “watching the congressman crying on live TV about the trauma they experienced—why is this so funny? I’m having a hard time feeling bad for them.”
In related news, right-wing vandals in New York altered a freeway exit sign on Sagtikos Parkway changing it from “Crooked Hill Rd” to “Crooked Hillary.” Governor Andrew Cuomo called the stunt “an ill-timed escalation of the tensions between the Republican Party and the rest of America. Instead of joining with Democrats to enact sensible gun-control they’re taking this latest tragedy as an opportunity to insult a great American. This plumbs new depths of depravity from a segment of the political spectrum that has a sordid history of disrespect for manners and justice.”
Trump Ends Y2K Spending
Though it may come as a shock to many, a government program designed to prepare the nation for the devastation that would be inflicted when the calendar rolled over from a century in which the years began with the number “19” to one in which the years began with the number “20” is still incurring expenditures 17 years after the “crisis” fizzled.
Office of Management and Budget Director Mick Mulvaney declared that “the amount of useless trash that is still being funded way past any reasonably conceived purpose is phenomenal. To begin with, the hysteria attached to the effect that the turn of the century would have on computers was unwarranted. If there was ever any need for any spending on this project in the years leading up to 2000 that need has long since expired.”
J. David Cox, president of the American Federation of Government Employees took a different stance. “The termination of a program with what can only be described as a solid history of success is short-sighted,” he said. “To penalize the employees responsible for this success by eliminating their jobs because they are no longer necessary is both cruel and unusual and, consequently, clearly unconstitutional. Neither the Bush nor the Obama Administration tried to take the nation down this treacherous path of ingratitude. That Trump would do so is yet another affront that should be added to the growing list of crimes and misdemeanors supporting his impeachment.”
Londoners Arrested for Anti-Muslim Internet Posts
London Mayor Sadiq Khan praised the bravery and initiative of City police in their quick response to anti-Muslim commentary following recent terrorist attacks in Manchester and London. “The adherence of Muslims to the tenets of their faith is protected by laws guaranteeing freedom of religion,” he said. “As pointed out by Shaikh Mohammad Tawhidi in Australia earlier this week, it is not a sin for a Muslim to kill a non-believer. It is a sin for a Christian to not turn the other cheek. By the tenets of the two faiths there is no justification for the criticism leveled against Islam by those non-believers who have not yet been killed by Muslims.”
Metropolitan Police Commissioner Cressida Dick seconded the mayor’s comments. “Islamophobia is intolerable,” Dick proclaimed. “Members of the Muslim community should not have to live in fear that their faith will be assailed by the survivors of a religiously justified strike against unbelievers. Our police force stands ever ready and alert to stamp out the anti-Muslim hate crime of slandering those who fight the unbelievers.”
To make sure the message of official intolerance of Islamophobia is received, Dick announced a doubling of patrols near mosques “to deter a repeat of the heinous hate crime perpetrated after the jihadist attack on London Bridge.” The heinous crime: strips of bacon left on automobile windshields. “Being murdered doesn’t imperil a Christian’s hope of salvation,” Dick explained. “Coming in contact with pork condemns a Muslim to damnation. Clearly, this is the greater threat and we must allocate our limited resources accordingly.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News
John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Comey Testifies

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnThis week, former FBI Director James Comey testified before the Senate Intelligence Committee on Thursday. While he confirmed that there is no evidence of any wrongdoing by Trump, he raised the issue of “whether a person so creepy and obnoxious deserves to be president. He is so different in every way from President Obama that I got a queasy feeling just being in the same room with him. I just didn’t know how to react, so I joined the parade of government insiders who have been leaking confidential matters to the media in the hope that someone would rid the nation of this meddlesome interloper.”
“Let me compare and contrast my experience with the previous administration to help make my point,” Comey continued. “When Attorney General Lynch told me that President Obama wanted the FBI to ease up on the Clinton email matter, the directions were clear. When Trump said he hoped that since General Flynn had done nothing illegal that further maligning of his reputation could be dropped, I didn’t know what to do. Was this some sort of code instructing me to have the man ‘whacked?’ I think everyone with experience in government can see how confusing Trump’s behavior is for all of us.”
Under questioning from Sen Rubio (R-Fla), Comey defended his acquiescence to Lynch’s pressure to go easy on Clinton, saying that “compared to how we looked the other way at Holder’s request when hundreds of weapons were delivered to Mexican gangs and subsequently used to murder hundreds of people, it seemed like brushing off Clinton’s unsecure email system and unauthorized deletion of government records was a minor issue.”
After the testimony, Sen. Chris Murphy (D-Conn) contended that “this clearly puts the option of impeachment into play. I mean, how much longer are the Republicans going to sit on their hands given the ammunition this heroic patriot has handed us? Even if there is no evidence of a crime, per se, the impression that there is something that is just not right has to be factored in. We’ve already seen that Trump is out-of-step with the world on climate. Comey has portrayed him as out-of-step with the way things have traditionally been done in government. Is this the kind of person we want as our president for the next three-and-one-half years?”
In related news, Reality Sara Winner, the 25-year-old woman who was recently arrested for illegally leaking classified documents she stole from government files to The Intercept, has been discovered to be a first-class loon. To her earlier FaceBook posts giving a “thumbs up” endorsement to Iran’s “death to America” slogan and her proclamation that “being white is a form of terrorism,” we must now add her belief that she will be acquitted because she is “pretty, white, and cute.” Though, by her reasoning this ought to mark her as a terrorist. On top of this, photos of the woman posted on the Internet appear to contradict her “pretty” and “cute” claims.
Muslim Rapists Go Free in Idaho
Three Muslim youths who orally and anally raped and urinated on a 5-year-old girl got off with probation and no time served. Bizarrely, Janice Kroeger, the Senior Deputy Prosecuting Attorney, called the rapists “the real victims of this tragic turn of events.”
“These three boys are all doing well in school,” Kroeger said. “We shouldn’t discourage this accomplishment by subjecting them to the scarring effects of incarceration. They are already suffering PTSD from their arrest and these judicial proceedings. There’s no need to compound this by putting them in a juvenile detention center.”
Kroeger lashed out at the little girl’s mother for her “incendiary statements designed to spur anger against these boys. The damage to her daughter is already done. That she is having nightmares can’t be undone by harshly treating these boys. She needs to forget about this and get on with her life.”
Concerned that public disclosure of the proceedings and sentence might reflect poorly on the state of justice in Idaho, Judge Thomas Borreson of Idaho’s 5th Judicial District imposed a gag order on the girl’s parents. “In fairness to the defendants, their actions were well within the boundaries of their faith and culture,” Borreson maintained. “I can see how they can’t understand why what they did might be considered wrong in America. Allowing the victim’s mother to take her plea for justice to the public airwaves or newspapers would not serve the government’s goal of promoting cultural tolerance. It would only serve to bolster President Trump’s efforts to impede the flow of immigrants from Islamic countries.”
In related news, Judge Stephen Reinhardt a senior judge on the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals complained that enforcing the nation’s laws on immigration is “humiliating and dehumanizing for judges. Almost to a man, those of us on the Ninth Circuit feel that every person has a right to be wherever he or she wants to be. The laws saying otherwise are an imposition on our ability to enforce this universal human right. We wish the INS would stop bringing the cases that end up in our laps.”
US States, Cities Seek to Enforce Climate Pact Trump Rejected
Four states–California, Connecticut, Washington and Oregon have joined together to form the United States Climate Alliance. The objective is to bypass Trump’s decision and implement the terms of the Paris Accord on climate.
California was the first to take action by ratifying a separate climate pact with China. “We had to pick a side,” Gov. Jerry Brown (D) declared. “Looking at the options we determined that Trump is the greater threat. So we made our own deal with China.” The deal reportedly will increase the importation of “green technologies” manufactured in China. The irony is that Chinese factories are among the world’s worst polluters.
Brown said he is “not concerned” because “most of the Chinese pollutants are heavy metals, noxious chemicals, and soot particles—all of which, I am told by experts, will tend to have a cooling effect on global temperatures. And any health consequences from their emissions are likely to be predominately local in nature.”
In Chicago, Mayor Rahm Emanuel signed an executive order committing the City to abide by the provisions of the Paris Accord that President Trump rejected. “President Trump is wrong,” Emanuel insisted. “The trillions of dollars and millions of American jobs that abiding by this agreement will cost are necessary to reduce the projected 0.3° rise in temperature by the year 2100.” The Mayor said he is “confident that federal welfare programs will adequately offset the impacts of Chicagoans thrown out of work by adherence to my order.”
Whether Emanuel confidence that the feds will buffer his city’s residents from negative economic repercussions is warranted seems dubious. Trump’s proposed budget asks for considerably less in welfare spending compared to the trend of increases from a continuation of the Obama years. White House Deputy Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders emphasized that “the President’s promise was to put Americans back to work. Democrats who hope to buy votes from their welfare clientele shouldn’t count on federal money to subsidize idleness.”
Romney Says Hillary Encouraged Him to Seek SOS Job
Former Republican presidential candidate and Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney says former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton “encouraged me to actively seek her old job. ‘Don’t let your differences with Trump scare you off,’ she told me. ‘I had differences with Obama, but I put those aside to take the job.’”
“She was very sympathetic to the fact that I had spent tens of millions of dollars of my own money running against Obama for the presidency,” Romney recalled her saying. “’You can get that back and more just like I did. When you’re Secretary of State you have say-so over a lot of things businesses and foreign governments want. You could just make decisions based on merit, but you could also ask for some kind of payback. I’m not saying you should do something you wouldn’t otherwise do, but why do it for free?’”
“Unfortunately, President Trump went in another direction,” Romney lamented. “Now, we’ll never know what great things I might have been able to accomplish.”
In related news, Clinton also advised that “the best way I know of to counter terrorism would be for Americans to gain a better understanding of Muslim culture. The first step in that process is to try their food. It is so flavorful that once you’ve tried it your fears melt away and a true bond of understanding and merger of interests becomes possible.”
Drop in Food Aid Applications Called “Horrific”
The Alabama Department of Human Resources reports that since reinstating the work requirement for able-bodied recipients in 13 counties, the number of people requesting aid from the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP) has declined by 85%.
The steep decline in program participation was decried as “horrific” by House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif). “The idea that any level of government would be permitted to resort to such an extortionate scheme is as clear a demonstration of the local government tyranny inspired by the illegitimate Bush Administration. Forcing a person to choose between two evils—work or starve—is not the America I know and love.”
“In fact, this is the kind of thing they do in Russia,” Pelosi contended. “That it would appear here in America at this time is, in my mind, yet further evidence of Russia’s undue influence since they rigged the November election against Secretary Clinton. I think we need to add this to the list of charges we draw up in response to the Comey testimony.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News
John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Pullout from Paris Climate Accord Widely Denounced

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnThis week, President Trump announced that the United States is pulling out of the Paris Climate Accord. The move was widely denounced.

Former President Barack Obama, who unilaterally committed the US to the accord without seeking the consent of the US Senate, denounced Trump’s action as “a betrayal of the future” and called for state and local governments to ignore Trump’s stance and “independently implement the agreement.”

California Governor Jerry Brown (D) followed Obama’s advice and announced that “California will sign a separate climate treaty with China. I cannot remain passive and allow an insane and deviate President Trump to undermine the commitments made on behalf of the world by President Obama.”

In step with the incivility that has marked much of the opposition to to the Trump Administration, the German newspaper Berliner Kurier ran a story with the headline “Earth to Trump: F*** You!”

The governments of Germany, France and Italy flatly rejected Trump’s suggestion that the Accord be renegotiated to better balance the obligations imposed on the participants. “Let me say to the Americans what they said to Germany so many years ago: ‘we will accept nothing less than unconditional surrender,’”Chancellor Angela Merkel declared. “The European powers are united on this matter and will not hold back in our efforts to accomplish this goal.”

The first blow in the “European powers” campaign to force the US to yield will be shining green lights on public landmarks like the Eiffel Tower and Empire State Building. Both New York City Mayor Bill DeBlasio and New York Governor Andrew Cuomo professed “our solidarity with our European allies in opposing Trump’s crimes against humanity. We look forward to the day when he and his henchmen can be put on trial and hanged like the crypto-Nazis they are.”

France’s President Emmanuel Macron promised that “France will open its borders so that Americans seeking to escape from Trump’s tyranny can find refuge in our country. I call for all scientists and responsible citizens of America to join the resistance if they can. And if they can’t, flee and we will help them organize a ‘Free American’ army that can take back their country.”

The antagonism for Trump was undiminished by National Security Agency whistle blower Edward Snowden’s assertion that “I have documents showing that the CIA invented ‘Global Warming’ to both scare people, and divert their attention from other human-made dangers.”

Global warming hoax profiteer and former US Vice-President Al Gore dismissed Snowden’s claim as “irrelevant. How the idea originated isn’t as important as the fact that it is now the universal consensus of those who control the levers of power around the world. No one can stand against us, especially someone with such a puny core of support as Donald Trump. He will be taken out one way or another, as Kathy Griffin so artfully predicted just a few days ago.”

In related news, the desiccated comedian Kathy Griffin, who posed for a photo with a simulated severed head of President Trump, has hired celebrity lawyer Lisa Bloom to protect her from the Trump family harassment she claims “is ruining my career and peace of mind. Can’t they take a joke? I never had any negative feedback for my humor from the previous administration.” A Trump tweet asked “Why would she? As obnoxious as her ass-kissing of Obama was, I’m sure he loved it.”

New Cache of Clinton Emails Released

This week, Judicial Watch released a cache of over 2,000 of then Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s emails. The documents confirm that classified information was being illegally shared with persons lacking the security clearance to receive them.

In a bizarre twist, Clinton attempted to characterize this as “evidence of the massive Russian conspiracy to deny me my right to be president. If you will notice, one of the emails alleges that my trusted aide Huma ‘hooked up people from the Russian American Foundation with the right people at the State Department.’ Since this email dates from 2010 it proves that Trump and the Russians engaged in a long-term plot against me and that Donald Trump is not legally our president.”

An additional email reference to a mysterious US-Russia Cultural Sub-Working Group shows that Russian naval forces were deployed to smuggle in the 1,000 robots who fabricated all the incriminating emails later published by Wikileaks,” Clinton contended. “Surely, this is this smoking gun that Congress is looking for in the quest to oust the usurper and award the presidency to me.”

Judicial Watch President Tom Fitton had a different take on the email contents: “The casual violation of laws concerning classified material and noxious influence peddling show the Clinton State Department was ‘corruption central’ in the Obama administration. No wonder Clinton’s allies in the State and Justice Departments have been slow-walking and hiding these emails.”

In related news, former Democratic National Committee Chair, Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz (Fla) blamed Congress for not stopping her from committing a series of network security violations while she headed the DNC. “The multiple offenses would have been far fewer if someone had stepped in early to prevent me from breaking the law,” she rationalized. “I mean, if what I did was really so bad, wasn’t it someone’s responsibility to intercede before I went too far? Why should all the blame be put on me?”

Senator Says Knowingly Infecting Someone with HIV Shouldn’t Be Felony

California State Senator Scott Wiener (D-San Francisco) has drafted legislation that would downgrade knowingly exposing someone else to HIV or AIDS from a felony to a misdemeanor.

Weiner called the current law “unfair. It discriminates against gays who must engage in anal sex because they were born without the vaginas, which are exclusively provided to women. Requiring a gay man to disclose he has HIV effectively shuts down his sex life. Threatening him with a felony conviction is too steep a penalty given that advances in HIV therapies have greatly extended survival time for those infected.”

The Senator also angrily demanded that GOP opponents of his bill “butt out. They’re not gay. Their voters aren’t gay. They don’t have any skin in the game. Why should they have a say in whether the law is changed?”

Sen. Jeff Stone (R-Murrieta) disagreed, saying “it’s not a gay issue. It’s a public health issue. By lessening the penalty for infecting another person this bill would increase the risk to the gay community Sen. Weiner wants to free from discriminatory treatment under the law. The current law seeks to deter those with HIV from having unprotected sex with an unsuspecting victim, just like our DUI laws seek to deter impaired drivers from killing unsuspecting victims in traffic crashes.”

Sen. Richard Pan (D-Sacramento), a physician, voted for Weiner’s bill arguing that “imprisoning those who infect others will just throw them into an environment where anal sex is rampant. The impact on the prison population is proportionately larger than the impact on the general population outside of prison will be if we simply let violators off with a nominal fine, as this reform legislation would do.”

In related news, the city of East Lansing has barred Steve Tennes and his family from selling their organic produce at the local farmers market because the family doesn’t support gay marriage. Tennes is mystified by the City’s action. “I don’t ask the sexual orientation of my customers,” he pointed out. “Gay or straight, if they want to buy, I want to sell.” Democratic Mayor Mark Meadows rejected Tennes’ “noncompliance with City policy. Approval of gay marriage is a crucial part of who we are and who everyone in town needs to be. It is Mr Tennes obligation to know the sexual orientation of his customers. Blandly offering to sell, no questions asked, won’t get him out of meeting this obligation if he hopes to do business here.”

ACLU Opposes Criminalizing Female Genital Mutilation

The American Civil Liberties Union has taken a stand in opposition to a proposed Maine law that would make it illegal for parents to mutilate the genitals of their daughters.

This bill unfairly targets Muslims for carrying out traditions of their faith,” charged ACLU spokesman Oamshri Amarasingham. “Jews are allowed to mutilate their sons. Why shouldn’t Muslims be permitted to mutilate their daughters?”

Sponsor of the bill Rep. Heather Sirocki (R-Scarborough) disputed the comparability argument. “Circumcising males only removes a portion of the penis’ foreskin,” she pointed out. “It does not destroy the possibility of sexual performance or satisfaction that the removal of the clitoris does. The female mutilation targeted in my bill would bar this barbaric practice for anyone who is not a consenting adult.”

Amarasingham countered that “this ‘barbaric practice’ is protected under the Constitution’s freedom of religion clause. As much as some might object, the state has no authority to intervene. The advocates for humane treatment of little girls have no more right to intervene than the opponents of abortion have to stop a mother from terminating her unwanted baby. Cultural norms are changing. I believe the day is not far off when a Muslim majority will reshape our laws to respect their way of life.”

Times Editor Rejects Concept of Thoughtful Disagreement

This week, Pulitzer award-winning New York Times executive editor Dean Baquet told a gaggle of leftist loons that “we don’t need to subject ourselves to the erroneous views of our antagonists. The concept that liberal society has room for thoughtful disagreements is out-of-step with the modern progressive way of thinking.”

Its long past the time when progressives had to put up with the rantings of the right as a sop to supposed civilized behavior,” Baquet said. “The need for us to pretend to be tolerant of our enemies no longer exists. Why should we listen to ideas that have been discredited? Why shouldn’t we be smashing the faces and cracking the skulls of those who assert that individual freedom to deviate from the path of social justice is an inalienable right? The struggle against bourgeois reactionaries can’t afford to be squeamish. They want us to have a discussion? Okay, as long as we can kick the crap out of them while they talk.”

Baquet hastened to remind his audience that he was “of course, speaking hypothetically. I’m a journalist and these are just my objective observations on the current state of affairs under the Trump tyranny. And even though I sympathize with those fighting against this tyranny, I would never officially take a position one way or another as to who is right and who is wrong.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News
John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.
Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

 

Democrat Enraged Over Revived Interest in Rich Murder

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnLong-time Democratic Party operative John Podesta proclaimed former House Speaker Newt Ginrich’s speculation that DNC staffer Seth Rich may have been assassinated “disgusting.”

After so much time has passed I think it’s likely that we’ll never know why this young man died,” Podesta asserted. “The DC police forgot to ask for surveillance tapes from all the CCTVs in the vicinity of the shooting. They forgot to seek witnesses at the bar Seth visited just before he died. They have his laptop, but since he didn’t have it with him when he was shot I don’t see how it could shed any light on the crime. There just aren’t any more clues to be found.”

Gingrich contended that “the absence of any evidence that Rich was robbed casts doubt over the hastily offered theory that the murder was part of a robbery gone wrong. Since that theory hasn’t solved the case perhaps other theories of the crime should be considered. The emergence of a claim by Kim Dotcom that he worked with Rich to forward DNC emails to Wikileaks and that Rich might have been murdered in retaliation is a plausible alternative theory that, in my opinion, merits examination.”

An alternate theory that might explain Podesta’s rage at the renewed interest in the fate of Seth Rich might be the revelation in one of his emails published by Wikileaks, where he wrote that he was “definitely for making an example of a suspected leaker whether or not we have any real basis for it.” If, as Dotcom claims, Rich was the Wikileaks source, his murder could be “an example” aimed at discouraging other potentially disloyal Democrats.

European Leaders Say Islamic Attacks “Not a Major Threat”

Murderous attacks by Islamic fanatics in the United Kingdom, Egypt, Indonesia, and the Philippines this week moved US President Donald Trump to make an impassioned plea for the civilized world to unite to fight against this terrorism. As obvious as such a call to action would appear to rational individuals, it inspired push back from several European leaders.

French President Emmanuel Macron challenged Trump’s priorities saying that “the murder of concert goers or nightclub patrons by ‘lone wolf’ terrorists does not pose the same existential threat that global climate change does. As heart breaking as the mass slaying of Ariana Grande’s fans may have been, it doesn’t rise to the level of a significant threat to our way of life. No important leader of any nation was endangered. Every important leader agrees that resources must not be diverted away from the more serious environmental issue of fighting global warming.”

German Chancellor Angela Merkel seconded Macron’s views and added her own objections to Trump’s suggestion that her country honor its NATO obligations. “Mr. Trump’s single-minded focus on military strength as the proper response to terror not only detracts from the unity necessary to combat climate change, it also overlooks the spending we have incurred in bringing Middle Easter refugees to Germany,” she said. “In the short-run some of these refugees have ‘bitten the hand that feeds them,’ but over the longer term the fecundity of these immigrants will ensure a more harmonious future for our country and the world.”

UK Prime Minister Theresa May observed that “the irony of Mr. Trump’s position is that it is the United States that poses the biggest threat to the rest of the world. Under his leadership, it is the United States that is out-of-step with the rest of us. His call for terrorists to be ‘driven out of this earth’ is culturally insensitive and burns the bridges we have been trying to build through our refugee rescue efforts. Trump’s notion that we should fight to preserve ‘Western values’ is a false hope. Islam’s march to world domination cannot be prevented. Their belief in their vision is so strong they are willing to die to make it happen. We cannot match their fervor. An accommodation is our only sensible option and Mr. Trump is the biggest single barrier to achieving it.”

Former US President Barack Obama traveled to Europe to express his solidarity with “their more sophisticated understanding of reality. Europe isn’t trying to wall itself off from immigration like Trump wants the United States to do. Walls send a hostile message telling others to ‘stay out of my yard.’ Good neighbors aren’t so obsessively possessive. They don’t fuss if the kids next door play in their yard. They cooperate to promote a safe and healthy environment like that sought by the Paris Accord on climate change. They cooperate to provide refuge for those fleeing war or poverty as Germany has so heroically done the last few years.”

Despite his denigration of Trump’s pledge to protect America from unsavory outsiders, the ex-president’s DC residence just completed construction of its own impressive wall around the property. Obama confidante Valerie Jarrett denied that there was any hypocrisy, saying that “the wall is needed to protect against the violent society that Trump’s election has brought to this country.”

In related news, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) rebuked President Trump’s foreign trip, alleging that “visiting these places out of alphabetical order is a sign of mental disorder. Going to Saudi Arabia before going to Israel and France is, to me, unfathomable. No one in their right mind would do that. Clearly, our nation is being run by a person unfit for the office.”

Trump Wants Work Requirement for Food Stamps

A feature of Trump’s proposed federal budget that former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton labeled “unimaginably cruel” is a requirement that able-bodied persons receiving food stamps do a small amount of work in exchange for the benefit.

Making people work in order to eat is slavery, pure and simple,” Clinton declared. “People shouldn’t be punished for being poor and hungry. The choice of whether to work or not is one that should freely made without economic duress.”

Let’s face it,” she said, “for most of those on food stamps the work alternatives available are dead-end drudgery. No one dreams of jobs like these and no one should be forced to give up their dreams just to put food on the table. America is rich enough to put food on everyone’s table. It is the moral obligation of those who have more than they need to care for those who have less. It is the government’s obligation to compel those who do not voluntarily fulfill this obligation.”

CBS Exposes Deadly Impact of “Trump Economy”

The upsurge in economic activity that has followed from Donald Trump’s elevation to the presidency has an unpublicized “dark side” according to a recent newscast from CBS.

Network correspondent Norah O’Donnell explained that “what the Trump Administration failed to consider was that getting people off unemployment and welfare and into the workforce means more will be on the roads driving to their jobs. This exposes them to higher risk of death and injury in traffic crashes.”

Worse, the risk isn’t confined to the work commute,” O’Donnell breathlessly told viewers. “When people are more prosperous they also travel more for recreation. In fact, the National Safety Council predicts more than 400 people could be killed in crashes this Memorial Day Weekend. The concealment of this information by President Trump is a crime against humanity.”

The safety gains the nation enjoyed under the Obama Administration as millions exited the work-a-day rat race are being cast aside by a mindless fixation on the notion that working is a good thing,” O’Donnell observed. “Facebook founder and acknowledged genius, Mark Zuckerberg pointed the way to a happier and safer future with his recommendation that the government ought to provide an income for everyone so they won’t have to take on the risky task of working just to support themselves.”

Ironically, Zuckerberg disavowed such a strategy for his own employees “because I’m trying to run a business. If I paid people regardless of whether they did any work, output would decline. Work is a disutility. That’s why people have to be paid to do it. If we don’t pay them they won’t work or won’t work as hard or as long. My business would fail.”

Zuckerberg insisted that “the same rules don’t apply to the government. For one, the government has the power to print money. It will never go out of business due to declining output. Second, the government doesn’t have to sell its output in order to earn money. It can just take it through taxation. Finally, outside of transferring money from those who don’t need it to those who do, it is not apparent that the government has any actual essential product or service to offer customers, per se. All the agitation for government programs is basically comprised of calls for someone else to foot the bill for the benefits being demanded.”

UN Says Trump Budget Inadequate

The Trump Administration’s budget aims to reduce the United States’ annual contribution toward funding the United Nations. Stephane Dujarric, spokesman for U.N. Secretary-General Antonio Guterres, complained that “the amounts laid out in the budget aren’t sufficient for us to continue the vital work of the organization.”

Currently, there are 193 member nations in the UN. The US has been paying 22% of the UN’s $5.4 billion “core” budget and 28% of the UN’s $7.9 billion “peacekeeping” budget. Trump’s budget proposal would cut the US contribution by one-third and cap the US share of “peacekeeping” at 25%.

Dujarric declared that “the notion that the United States can unilaterally decide how much it will pay is offensive to me. For one, it’s undemocratic. The US represents only 5% of the world population. Allowing a minority to overrule the 95% that wishes the US to pay more is tyranny. The US already has an unfair proportion of the world’s total wealth. It has a moral obligation to share this with those less fortunate. Paying a larger portion of the UN’s expenses would be a convenient start on a more equitable distribution of wealth.”

Obama Admin Spying “Pervasive” and “Illegal”

Recently declassified documents reveal that the Obama Administration’s spying on American citizens went far beyond what the law allowed. Under a pretext of surveilling foreigners, intelligence agencies under Obama gathered data on political opponents and illegally shared this information with outside parties.

Former FBI Director James Comey falsely assured Congress that “this information was lawfully collected, carefully overseen and checked.” In contrast, an Inspector General’s report found “disregard for rules, inadequate training and deficient oversight.” The Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Court (FISA) found “hundreds of violations of the FBI’s rules” that occurred during Comey’s tenure as FBI Director.

Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) told CNN’s Wolf Blitzer that “this is very troubling now that Trump is president. The absence of the calming guidance of former President Obama heightens the risk that snooping will be used for evil purposes. Violations that occurred in pursuit of a more socially just world under Obama could easily be turned toward maleficent ends under Trump.”

Blitzer concurred, opining that “no one I know and trust had the least bit of concern when President Obama was in charge. Now, though, anxiety levels are the highest I have ever seen. Will Trump abuse this power to try to spy on progressives? Will he use illegally obtained information to try to intimidate his opposition? I think this may add a new sense of urgency to the movement to remove him from office before this can happen.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Media Assails Trump’s “Witch Hunt” Accusation

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnPresident Donald Trump’s accusation that the media have subjected him to “the worst witch hunt ever experienced by an American politician” was assailed by NBC’s Lester Holt as “wrong in so many ways.”

Mr .Trump’s careless use of the language is yet another page of the case against his presidency,” Holt contended. “Witches are female. The continuing efforts of the GOP to pursue charges against Hillary Clinton that former FBI Director James Comey declared baseless could be fairly described as a witch hunt. The pursuit of Trump’s conspiracy with the Russians to derail her presidential bid would be more accurately termed a ‘warlock hunt.’”

Let’s not forget that Republicans repeatedly dredged up allegations that Secretary Clinton misrepresented the Benghazi attack and impeded rescue, that she traded State Department favors for donations to the Clinton Foundation and hefty speaking fees for her husband, that she illegally transferred classified State Department documents to an off-site insecure computer network, that she conspired with the DNC to rig the Democratic primary in her favor—none of which has been proven beyond a reasonable doubt in a court of law,” Holt pointed out. “Compare these bogus charges with the persuasive case made by Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif) that the Trump campaign’s use of the phrases ‘crooked Hillary’ and ‘lock her up’ show all the classic signs of a Russian disinformation operation and we can see where the truly evil machinations are coming from.”

You’d have thought that the GOP would’ve learned their lesson from their persecution of President Bill Clinton and failed effort to impeach him,” Holt added. “There is no argument or evidence that will put us off the scent. This illegitimate administration is an artifact of a out-dated electoral college system that allowed a minority of voters to trample the will of the majority. We will not be frightened away from our duty to do everything in our power to right this wrong.”

In related news, a study just released by Harvard University’s Shorenstein Center on Media, Politics and Public Policy found that every one of ten of the major media outlets analyzed have had a bias toward negative portrayals of the Trump Administration. TV news from CNN, NBC, and CBS have been more than 90 percent negative. The New York Times andWashington Post have been more than 80 percent negative. Even supposedly conservative media like the Wall Street Journal and Fox News have been 70 percent and 52 percent negative. The coverage for the previous three administrations was far different, Obama got about a 60 percent positive slant. Bush and Clinton both got a negative slant, but with a more modest 60 percent negative slant.

DOJ Statements in Wake of Comey Dismissal Doubted

The hysterical media narrative that Trump’s firing of FBI Director James Comey is evidence of “obstruction of justice” took several hits this week when statements from Department of Justice personnel contradicted this premise.

Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein said “I stand by my recommendation that Director Comey be fired. There were just too many instances in which he demonstrated failure and lack of adherence to clearly defined responsibilities. I was convinced that he was not and could not be an effective leader of the FBI.”

Acting FBI Director Andrew McCabe rebutted the notion that Trump’s action to fire Comey would have any effect on the Agency’s investigation of anything. “There has been no effort to impede our investigation,” McCabe said. He also denied that the Russian investigation was underfunded. “The allegation that Comey could’ve been fired because he sought more funding is not supported by the facts.”

Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) asserted that “the statements by Rosenstein and McCabe cannot be taken at face value. After Trump has fired Comey an atmosphere of fear has gripped the nation. These men, regardless of their desire to do the right thing can’t help but be intimidated. Their jobs, maybe even their lives might be on the line if they get crosswise with the President.”

In related news, Rod Wheeler, a private investigator hired to look into the murder of DNC employee Seth Rich last July relayed some disturbing information about his inquiries. “So far the so-called official investigation has gone nowhere,” Wheeler observed. “Despite making no progress on their own, DC police contacted my employers to communicate the DNC’s concern about me ‘snooping around’ the case. One of the things that has come out is that tens of thousands of DNC emails were turned over to Wikileaks last year. This raises the possibility that Rich might have been murdered in retaliation for that. The raw facts of the murder don’t support the official theory that he was killed in a robbery. None of his valuables—not his wallet, not his watch, not his cell phone—were stolen. The unfortunate Mr. Rich is another victim in a long string of a mysterious and unsolved homicides of individuals connected to the Democratic Party.”

Governor Calls Taxpayers “Freeloaders”

California Governor Jerry Brown (D) lashed out at opponents of recent state tax increases calling them “freeloaders.”

I’ve had it with then,” Brown complained. “They think that they have a champion in Trump whose ‘siren song’ of self-reliance as the way to prosperity is leading so many away from their responsibility to the human collective. The reluctance to pay taxes is selfish. It is everyone’s obligation to carry their fair share of the burden. It is the government task to determine what that share is for each individual. Once that determination is made refusal to cooperate is anti-social.”

The State’s latest tax hike raised already high levies on gasoline and automobile registrations. Harried taxpayer Kira Davis bristled at the Governor’s characterization, “without taxpayers there would be no funding for the millions of Californians on welfare and the lame public works boondoggles that are aimed at getting votes for the Democrats whose only contribution is to contrive egregious schemes to loot those who produce the wealth of this state.”

Brown invited “Davis and all the other crybabies to get with the program or get out. We don’t need the poison of uncooperative ideas polluting our state and slowing our progress. If we all march in step there’s no limit to what we can accomplish as a society.”

The Governor warned those he urged to leave the state “to abandon the hope that they will be allowed to take their money with them. All wealth is the property of all the people. Democrats control both Houses of the legislature. I see no impediment to enactment of an exit tax that will ensure that resources belonging to the state stay in the state.”

In related news, illegal aliens in San Francisco are reportedly avoiding joining the welfare rolls believing that it may help them escape detection and possible deportation—a trend that Brown called “tragic. The whole point of immigrating to America is to share in the abundance that nature has bestowed on our great country. This behavior inspired by Trump’s hostility to others partaking of the American dream is, in my opinion, an impeachable offense.”

Candidate Says “Sexploits” Make Him Ideal Person to Govern

Noah Dyer, a Democratic candidate for governor in Arizona, boasts that “my extensive sexual experiences equip me to understand the issues most important to the citizens of this state. For adults, and some children, sex is the most rewarding activity they will ever know. Few others understand this as well as I do. That will be the key to my ascension to the throne of governor.”

Dyer laid out his qualifications arguing that “my frequent casual sex, sex with married women, sex with multiple partners at once, sexting, and video-taping my sexual encounters demonstrate an unprecedented transparency among those of us who will seek votes in the upcoming race. My willingness to share videos of myself having sex with beautiful people will dominate the insipid family photos that my opponents will try to pass off as proof of their fitness.”

The candidate said he couldn’t “rule out the possibility that the vast number of individuals who have enjoyed my lovemaking might constitute a majority of eligible voters in the state. When you’ve banged as many people as I have it gives you a great deal of confidence in your own ability to service the rest of the state. Once I am governor I expect many more satisfied partners will ensure that I am not a one-termer.”

Study Shows Journalists Have Defective Brains

A study conducted for the London Press Club by neuroscientist Tara Swart found that journalists have a below-average ability to regulate their emotions, suppress biases, solve complex problems, switch between tasks, and show creative and flexible thinking.

It’s kind of ironic when you think about it,” Swart observed. “Here we have a profession that is entrusted to inform the general population and sees itself as a guardian of truth. Yet, this study shows their brains are operating at a lower level than those of the average person.”

CNN’s Jim Acosta challenged the study calling it “the worst slander of a profession in the annals of world history. It could hardly be more obvious that Swart is on Putin’s payroll. What she sees as a lack of creative and flexible thinking is refuted by the daily creativity we have shown in generating scandals against Trump and the flexibility we have demonstrated in shifting the focus of public discussion using unverified sources.”

Acosta bragged that “some of our best ideas are born during ‘happy hour.’ Because Trump never imbibes he cuts himself off from this tried and true well of inspiration that writers have used for centuries. Look at the great journalist Hunter Thompson. I’d take his lubricated output over Trump’s soberest thoughts any day of the week.”

Apprised of Acosta’s remarks, Swart replied that “while Mr. Acosta was not part of the group we studied, his comments are consistent with our findings.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.


Controversy Over Comey Dismissal

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnThis week President Donald Trump fired FBI Director James Comey. Democrats who previously had called for Comey’s departure denounced the move.

Rep. Keith Ellison (D-Minn), Vice Chairman of the Democratic National Committee (DNC), contends that “it has thrown the nation into a real constitutional crisis. Here we have a man who should never have been allowed to be president act as if he is the president. Since Hillary Clinton won the popular vote it seems to me that any changes in the personnel in the Executive Branch ought to be approved by her before they are made.”

Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif) agreed. “When a person who should not be president usurps the authority of the office that is grounds for impeachment,” she argued. “Hillary Clinton should be the one to determine whether Comey deserved to be fired. Considering how he betrayed her during the campaign she would be justified in firing him. I could support that. The Trump Administration’s complaint that Comey was doing a terrible job, over-stepping his authority, and impeding the investigation of leaks of classified information are illegitimate because they originate from an illegitimate president.”

Waters dismissed evidence that Comey sat on 600 million pages documenting the Obama Administration’s massive illegal surveillance operation targeting American citizens as “irrelevant. The fact is that if President Obama approved this surveillance its revelation by a whistle blower is treason, pure and simple. The FBI Director has no obligation not to impede an investigation that would impugn our last legitimate president’s actions to protect this country from its domestic enemies.”

Following Comey’s dismissal the New York Times published leaks from anonymous sources said to be Comey’s “associates at the Bureau.” The leaks reportedly gave details of a private, in-person, one-on-one conversation between Comey and President Trump. The leakers’ allegation that Trump asked for Comey’s loyalty is unverified. However, the very existence of this “leak” does seem to validate the premise that despite his denials that he has never leaked anything to the media nor authorized any of his subordinates to do so, Comey either is the source of this leak or that the leak is totally fabricated.

Michelle Obama Assails School Lunch Deregulation

Former First Lady Michelle Obama, the instigator of rules that led to massive trashing of school lunches across America, expressed her dismay at the Trump Administration’s decision to allow local school authorities to select their own menus. “What is wrong with these people?” she wanted to know. “The menus crafted under my guidance were carefully balanced for the right combinations of nutritious food.”

Trump Administration Secretary of Agriculture Sonny Perdue defended the move, saying that “requiring schools to set out food that students won’t eat accomplishes nothing. Rather than force everyone to conform to a standard that leads to waste we are allowing local people who likely have a better idea of what their students will eat the latitude to make their own decisions.”

Michelle labeled Perdue’s reasoning “ignorant” and “a recipe for sickness and death. It shifts power from the recognized experts to local yahoos too weak to take on the task of altering the food prejudices of the masses. This ‘laissez faire‘ attitude reverses the gains made during my husband’s administration. And for what? Is the freedom to poison one’s body with an unhealthful diet now some sort of inalienable right? I think most parents and voters will see it as a criminal attack on the health of our young people that clearly fits within the ‘high crimes and misdemeanors’ grounds for impeachment.”

Muslim Persecution in US Worse than ISIS Massacre of Christians

This week, ABC News political analyst Matthew Dowd challenged evangelist Franklin Graham’s concerns about the persecution of Christians around the globe, calling it “overblown. A far worse problem is the persecution of Muslims right here in the United States.”

While the practice of Christianity is illegal in some Muslim countries and severely hampered in others, Muslims in the US openly attend mosques and pray in public without any officially sanctioned interference and little unofficial notice or impediments. While Muslim fanatics readily heed the Quran’s call to slaughter unbelievers who refuse to convert, there is no similar scriptural call for Christians to kill members of other faiths and Muslims are free to move about without being blown apart, shot, or beheaded by Christian zealots.

To Dowd, though, the absence of contemporary atrocities by Christians is “historically myopic. Let’s not forget that a thousand years ago popes called upon Christians to take back lands conquered by Muslims in that religion’s great era of expansion. As former President Obama pointed out, plenty of Muslims died at the hands of pious Christians during these ‘Crusades.’”

“The insidious signs of Muslim persecution in the US are evinced by the disapproving stares of Americans who disrespect their traditional garb, the extra scrutiny they get for merely repeating the words of their holy book, and the suspicion that their beliefs justifying jihad are dangerous and ‘unAmerican,’” Dowd maintained. “Being forced to endure an atmosphere of continual dread is crueler than a quick thrust of a beheader’s knife. So, yes, the horrors inflicted on Muslims in our country are worse than whatever has happened to Christians intruding on Muslim lands.”

Trump Gets Preferential Treatment in White House Dining Room

Appalling repression in the White House dining room came to light when the media exposed the scandalous story of how President Trump gets more and better food than other diners. In a Time magazine article it was revealed that at White House dinners Trump gets Diet Coke (everyone else gets water), Trump gets Thousand Island dressing (everyone else gets vinaigrette), Trump gets two scoops of ice cream (everyone else gets one).

CNN’s Jeanne Moos saw this as “unjustifiable discrimination—the kind that makes you wonder whether Trump thinks he’s king.” In support of this theory, Moos cited the fact that “Vice-President Pence doesn’t get any ice cream. He’s only allowed a ‘fruit plate.’ What has he done to get on Trump’s bad side?”

Cristeta Comerford, the White House Executive Chef since 2005, denied there was any discrimination: “anyone who asks is given the same option to choose as the President. You want something other than water? Just ask. You want a different salad dressing? We have many from which you can choose. You want two scoops of ice cream, three scoops, whatever? Just ask.”

Moos contended that “the chef’s response is too convenient to be credible. We need to know who pressured her to come up with this unbelievable alibi. Was she cowed into submission by the very public firing of the FBI Director? Or was her subservient status as a woman of color within a racist administration sufficient to extract the desired cover story? This incident would seem to bolster calls for an independent prosecutor to investigate Trump.”

Female Refugees Victims of Sexual Violence in Germany

A study by the news service Integrated Regional Information Networks (IRIN) found that female refugees living in government shelters are being repeatedly harassed and attacked by male guards and refugees. Sally Abazeed, a 20-year-old refugee from Syria, told of how she had been repeatedly accosted by a guard at the shelter. She also said she was often followed into the toilets at night by one of the guards.

Abazeed escaped from the shelter with the assistance of a fellow Syrian only to be raped by him once outside the compound. She reported the rape to the police, but was told she had insufficient evidence to justify an investigation.

Berlin Police Department spokesman Helmut Banger explained that “our accommodation of sharia law requires that all rape allegations must be supported by either two male eyewitnesses or four female eyewitnesses. Unfortunately, Ms Abazeed could produce no witnesses. We had no alternative. We had to dismiss her case.”

More Abortions Needed to Fight Global Warming

Feminist icon Gloria Steinem made an impassioned plea for preserving and extending women’s right to abortion, calling it “a powerful and necessary remedy in the fight against sexual injustice and global warming. Nothing is worse for the planet than more people. Interdicting the creation of more people is crucial if we are to avert a holocaust.”

As Steinem sees it, men force women into bearing children. “Considering the toll it takes on a woman’s body, no woman in her right mind would willingly submit to childbirth,” she contended. “Add to this the tremendous sacrifice of free time that must be given up in order to care for children. Agreeing to have a child is akin to selling yourself into slavery. The men who pressure women into this tragic fate must be stopped.”

“Essential to stopping this pattern of patriarchal tyranny is abortion,” Steinem asserted. “A lot of people don’t know this, but the Nazis paid women to have children. Thankfully, we haven’t descended to that level of disrespect for humanity because we still allow abortion. As long as women have an unconstrained right to terminate any pregnancy they will hold the key that unlocks their chains. As an added bonus, the removal of millions and potentially billions of unwanted humans using this right is what will save the Earth from environmental catastrophe.”

Newspaper Calls for Stricter Censorship

Citing the “need to protect the more sensitive among us from the psychological damage of words that could be construed as offensive,” the editors of the Washington Post urged that “we unwed ourselves from the notion that freedom of speech is a vital or even necessary feature of a civilized society.”

“The right of freedom of speech does not have a meaningful quantum of value to the average person,” the editors wrote. “The average person continually must refrain from saying things that would offend an employer, spouse, or friend in order to interact harmoniously with the people closest to him. Why shouldn’t the government step in and enforce this same behavior as a general improvement of society?”

“There’s an old saying ‘that if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.’” the editorial continued. “If everyone knew that insensitive utterances could result in substantial financial penalties or even jail time, it stands to reason that conversations would become more pleasant. Fewer feelings would be hurt. Fewer people would have cause to strike out at those who offend them. People would be happier.”

In related news, Edgewood Middle School in Trenton, Ohio gave seventh grader Zachary Bowlin a 10 day suspension for “liking” a photo of of an airsoft pellet gun on Instagram. Edgewood Schools Superintendent Russ Fussnecker explained that “we have a ‘zero tolerance’ of inappropriate behavior by any of our students. The fact that Zachary publicly expressed his like for this dangerous weapon showed a grave insensitivity to his fellow students and manifested an intent to intimidate his classmates. The contention that the weapon is non-lethal, that the offense occurred outside of school grounds and hours does not excuse the behavior. We are going to stamp out incorrigible attitudes with as harsh a punishment as we can impose. Those who refuse to get the message will be crushed.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

GOP Health Care Bill Called ‘Death Sentence for Millions’

 

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnThe House passage of the American Health Care Act, the GOP’s alternative to Obamacare, was labeled a “death sentence for millions” by Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass), “people will die.”

Warren’s view was bolstered by the lamentations of individuals who now fear for their lives if the AHCA becomes law. Mega-celebrity Cher expressed her dismay that the AHCA may not cover her asthma therapy. “How will I get my medicine without Obamacare?” she demanded to know. She dismissed the suggestion that as a millionaire many times over she could easily afford to pay out-of-pocket as “unfair. It is the government’s obligation to take care of everyone’s health. The notion that I should pay because I can afford it denigrates my value as a human being.”

Similarly, model and wife of musician John Legend, Chrissy Teigen blamed Trump “for causing a crippling anxiety that requires me to get botox injections to relax life-threating tensions brought on by this manically insane, incompetent president and this dumpster fire administration.”

“The testimony of these esteemed members of society is evidence that the GOP is on the wrong track when it comes to the health of this country,” Warren declared. “If the well-being of the best of us is threatened just try to imagine how much worse it will be for ordinary people who depend on the government to care for them.”

The Senator was particularly peeved that “the AHCA moves away from vital government mandates that are essential to ensuring that every person gets the health care that experts have determined they need to have. The bill would allow individuals more latitude to decide what coverage they want. It will remove penalties for not purchasing what Obamacare has designated as mandatory services. People could simply decide not to buy insurance without facing a substantial fine. This is the road to anarchy.”

With medical treatment the third leading cause of death in America the Senator’s premise that having the government coerce people into submitting to an approved list of treatments leads to better outcomes is dubious. While it is true that trauma care in emergency rooms clearly saves the lives of many who would otherwise have died, medical errors, the toxic side effects of prescription drugs, and hospital-incurred infections kill many others.

Pelosi Blames Pro-Lifers for Democrats’ Defeat

To the list of culprits allegedly responsible for the 2016 election results—Russians, Wikileaks, Comey, misogyny—House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) added pro-lifers.

“We’re kind of between a rock and a hard place on the abortion issue,” Pelosi complained. “On the one hand, do we stand by progressive values and support a woman’s inalienable right to terminate a pregnancy? Or do we take the politically expedient course of waffling on it? Many Democrats, including me, have successfully straddled the issue by proclaiming our personal opposition to abortion while still supporting it as a matter of public policy. I mean, I’ve never had an abortion. I think that’s a pretty strong position in favor of life. I’ve also never stopped anyone else from having one. I think that is a strong position for freedom.”

While conceding that recent elections have taken a toll on her Party, Pelosi looked forward to “the growth of the LGBTQ movement as the ultimate way out of our dilemma. If more women have sex with women and more men have sex with men the need for abortions should decline. Transgenders basically sterilize themselves and eliminate the risk of an unwanted pregnancy requiring an abortion. So, the more people we can persuade to live out these alternative lifestyles the fewer abortions there will be to help mobilize the pro-lifers to vote against the Democratic Party.”

Ilyse Hogue, president of NARAL (National Abortion and Reproductive Rights Action League) said Pelosi’s “waffling strategy is bad for women and the economy. The patriarchy has been forcing women to bear children since the beginning of time. We need for the Democratic Party to make a clean break with the idea that women should be compelled to endure this onerous task. The whole process is humiliating and disgusting. Since we are nearing an era where babies can be produced via technologies that don’t require direct sexual reproduction political strategies that involve keeping males around for this purpose are obsolete. A much smaller number of breeder males can generate enough sperm through self-stimulation to impregnate a sufficient number of females to continue the species. A world where females outnumber males by thousands to one will be a more peaceful and prosperous one. Democrats need to be the vanguard of this revolution.”

Planned Parenthood’s “Champion of the Century” award winner Hillary Clinton offered to be the “founding mother” of this revolution against “the groups of men who conspire to deny women their God-given right to have an abortion. We can’t let these bastards grind us down.”

In related news, Baby Bee Hummingbirds, an Australian company, advertises that it “can turn unwanted embryos into jewelry keepsakes.” This new product joins a line of jewelry made from breast milk, baby hair, baby teeth, umbilical cords, and placentas. “I don’t believe there is any other business in the world that creates jewelry from human embryos, and I firmly believe that we are pioneering the way in this sacred art,” said company founder Amy McGlade. “What could be a better way to celebrate your most treasured gift, your child, than through jewelry?”

Dems Oppose Concealed Carry Reciprocity

Legislation backed by Senate Majority Whip John Cornyn (R-Texas) and Rep. Richard Hudson (R-NC) known as “national concealed carry reciprocity,” would require states that issue permits allowing gun owners to carry concealed weapons to recognize such permits from other states. “The intent is to simplify the process for law-abiding gun owners when they travel to other states,” Cornyn said. “A gun permit issued by a state would be valid in other states just like a state-issued driver’s license.”

Sen. Mark Warner (D-Va) announced his opposition, saying that “families have been torn apart by gun violence. Enough is enough. This tragic violence has to end. We need to move toward fewer guns, not more guns.” Warner was unmoved by arguments that allowing the law-abiding to carry improves their odds against criminals who carry firearms. “Doing what the criminal asks is better than starting a gunfight.”

Gunshot victim, former Rep. Gabby Giffords (D-Ariz) asserted that “stopping gun violence takes courage. If there were no guns I wouldn’t have been shot and disabled. The gun lobby is fond of saying that if guns are outlawed only outlaws will have guns. Well, that would make it easier for police—everyone with a gun would be a criminal. Given their superior training I think police would be the heavy favorites in any gunfight. So, by all means, let’s move to a simpler system that disarms everyone except the police.”

Senator Chris Murphy (D-Conn) vowed to “fight this NRA-backed assault on everyone’s personal safety. I’m pretty confident that we can filibuster this bill in the Senate. Failing that, Democrats need to take the battle to the states where the Second Amendment doesn’t apply and lobby to have state legislatures restrict or even confiscate privately held firearms.”

Surveillance State Ballooned Under Obama

The Obama Administration sought and obtained intelligence on thousands of Americans during 2016. Though the NSA is legally forbidden from directly spying on Americans and has temporary authority to conduct warrant-less searches of foreigners, during 2016 government officials conducted 30,355 searches seeking information about Americans and distributed over 3,000 reports with unredacted names of US citizens.

U.S. intelligence officials confirmed the growth in queries about Americans, but declined to offer any justification on the grounds that being pressured to provide justification “would endanger national security. All the public needs to know is that the government has its own very strict rules. They need to trust us and let us do our jobs.”

Susan Rice, former National Security Adviser to President Obama, was seemingly deeply enmeshed in the surveillance scheme. As such, her appearance before a congressional committee was requested by Sen. Lindsay Graham (R-SC). Rice declined to appear, saying that the request wasn’t bipartisan. “I see no upside for me in being interrogated by Republicans,” she said. “Why should I voluntarily testify? And if they try to compel me to, I can invoke my Fifth Amendment right against self-incrimination.”

An article by Jeff Kisseloff in The Nation pointed out that “abuse of power by presidents is a long standing tradition. FDR did it. JFK did it. LBJ did it. Why should we be surprised that Obama did it? These are all men we trust. They have the proper world view. Any corners they cut in pursuit of progressive values shouldn’t be held against them.

In related news, the Democratic National Committee defended rigging the Party’s primary in favor of Hillary Clinton. DNC attorney Bruce Spiva argued that “the Democratic Party is a private organization and can make and interpret rules however it wants. Its bylaws mandating impartial and evenhanded treatment of competing candidates is really discretionary. DNC officials can do whatever they want. The fact is, the Party decided early on that Clinton would be the presidential nominee and took the steps that were necessary to make that happen. Sanders was lucky we even let him run as a Democrat. We could have done it like we did in the old days and let Party honchos pick a candidate in some backroom. Instead, we put on a show so voters would feel involved, but we sure as Hell weren’t going to let them decide who would represent the Party.”

Reform of Presidential Pensions Proposed

Rep. Jason Chaffetz (R-Utah) and Sen. Joni Ernst (R-Iowa) are planning to introduce legislation that would take a former president’s other sources of income into account in determining the size of his or her pension.

“Look, the $207,800 per year currently awarded to the nation’s ex-presidents is there to ensure that someone who has served can live comfortably,” Chaffetz argued. “However, as things currently stand, ex-presidents are cashing in when they retire. They write books and give speeches and make millions every year. The pension is tiny in comparison. What our bill would do is reduce the pension by the amount earned from these outside sources. There is no call for millionaires to be supported by taxpayers making far less money.”

A bipartisan bill to accomplish this objective was passed last year, but was vetoed by President Obama on the grounds that “it would impose onerous and unreasonable burdens on former presidents. I think once a person has served the nation as president the people have an obligation to support him or her for life. The possibility that an ex-president may make millions from other sources shouldn’t relieve the people he has served from the obligation of paying him every penny to which he is entitled by law.”

The prospect of the bill becoming law seems bright since the man who would have to sign it—President Trump—isn’t currently accepting a salary. The $78,333 he earned for the first quarter as president was donated to the National Park Service.

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

 

ACLU Wants to Force Hospitals to Perform Sex Change Surgery

By  John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnLast year, Mercy San Juan Medical Center in Carmichael, California refused to remove the uterus of Evan Michael Minton. Minton is in the process of transitioning from female to a simulated male body. This Catholic hospital declined to remove a healthy uterus and referred Minton to a nearby nonreligious hospital within the same Dignity Health network.

American Civil Liberties Union spokesman Bertram Petty claimed that “the hospital violated Mr. Minton’s right to have whatever surgery he wants at whatever facility he chooses. The hospital’s assertion that the surgery goes against its sincerely held religious beliefs is irrelevant. Under Obamacare, the option belongs solely to the patient. No person, organization, or institution has the right to resist the laws enacted by civil authorities. If we were to fail to punish this hospital it would set a dangerous precedent of allowing so-called religious freedom to undermine civil authority.”

Minton said “the horror of being handed off to another hospital was excruciating and humiliating. For an American citizen to be told that he must choose from dozens of conveniently located alternative institutions that had no moral objections to performing this elective procedure is the kind of oppression we should never have to fear in this country.”

It’s one thing for people to be permitted to worship as they please,” Petty added. “However, we must draw a bold line clarifying that religious beliefs can never interfere with how government conducts policy. If we were to let individuals to decline to engage in actions that their beliefs characterize as abhorrent we would be giving churches a veto over public policy. The ACLU vehemently opposes the notion that our Constitution grants religion any right to project its dogma outside the church walls. Besides, doesn’t the Catholic Church offer absolution to sinners if they confess? Why can’t the hospital simply make use of this ‘free pass’ instead of mucking up the clear directives of government regulations?”

Mayor Fined for Demographic Observation

Robert Ménard, mayor of the town of Beziers in southern France, has been fined 2,000 euros for “hate speech.” The “hate speech” consisted of his observation that in a school in the center of his town more than 90% of the students are Muslim.

Judge Maurice Cador called Ménard’s remarks “extraordinarily insensitive toward Muslims. His defense relied upon the assertion that he spoke the truth. Under our laws truth is not a valid defense. We concede that his statement was factually accurate. However, it is the government’s policy to not call attention to the rising proportion of resident aliens in our country as this could cause both discomfort for the immigrants and premature fear among native French persons.”

Ménard was unimpressed by the court’s reasoning. “We are letting foreigners in who do not aspire to be French,” he pointed out. “Their growing numbers portend an eventual swamping of our culture and its replacement by ideas and modes of living most of us would regard as backward and oppressive. The government’s preference that we be kept oblivious to the danger is insidiously foolish.”

Under the Judge’s ruling half the fine is to be paid to cover the court costs of the seven anti-racist organizations who brought the matter to court’s attention. Two of these organizations—the League for Human Rights and SOS Racisme—are funded by left-wing billionaire George Soros.

Study Finds Long Term Migrants Less Likely to Work

A new Norwegian study from the Ragnar Frisch Center for Economic Research found that migrants become less interested in integrating with Norwegians the longer they are in the country.

Knut Røed, a senior researcher at the Frisch Center, explained the seemingly anomalous findings as “not as strange as we first thought. It seems that most of the migrants entering the country expected they would have to work in order to survive. After all, that’s the way it is in the countries they came from. But as they realize that the government here will support them they quite rationally choose not to work. This turn of events is bolstered by local imams who assure the migrants that it is Allah’s command that the unbelievers provide for the Muslim faithful.”

Per Sandberg, Norway’s acting minister for immigration and integration, called the problem “insolvable. If people don’t want to work we can’t force them to take jobs. That would be inhumane. I suppose that at some point the number of people on welfare will exceed the ability of the taxpayers to support them and the system will become unsustainable. Fortunately, that is not yet a matter of urgency, especially as I can conceive of no viable way to avert such a disaster.”

Norwegian newspaper Verdens Gang wrote that “the findings of the study are very bad news. The very structure of our society is in jeopardy and there is nothing we can do to save it. The suggestion by right-wingers that we return to a system where each person is responsible for himself is anti-social. We cannot take that path. On the other hand, current trends will lead to collapse. It is a dilemma for which there is no answer.”

In related news, the cost of the country’s 318,000 Muslim refugees now constitutes 19% of Sweden’s central government’s annual budget. Nearly half of the cost is incurred by government efforts to deal with immigrant crime. The total cost to the government is $58,490 per refugee per year. This is more than twice the average Swedish household’s disposable income of $28,859 per year. Fewer than 1% of Muslim immigrants have jobs. Nevertheless, the government remains adamant that “social justice requires we continue to rescue these troubled people.”

Parade Canceled After “Antifascists” Threaten GOP Participants

A 10-year tradition of beginning Portland’s annual Rose Festival with a family-friendly parade came to an end when a so-called antifascist group threatened to attack any members of the Multnomah County Republican Party who tried to participate. Ironically, bullying political opponents by threatening violence emulates the practices of the Nazi Party during Germany’s Weimar Republic when the Party’s brown-shirted thugs ruled the streets.

Jacob Bureros, an organizer with the Direct Action Alliance, was disappointed to hear that the parade was canceled. “This was definitely our least favored outcome,” Bureros complained. “Our first choice would have been for the parade to go on minus the participation of the fascist Republicans. Our second choice would have been to have the opportunity to fight these fascists in the street. Either way, progressive values would have been put on display. Cancellation of the event has deprived us of our right to freely express ourselves.”

Obama Taking “Symbolic Reparations”

Stung by critics who say that former President Barack Obama is showing inordinate greed by accepting fat payments from Wall Street for brief speeches, former Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest argued that “one of the President’s greatest regrets during his time in office was his inability to establish a public program of reparations for America’s historic mistreatment of racial minorities. Rather than just shrug off his disappointment he has decided to individually extract payments to compensate for those injustices.”

We mustn’t overlook the fact that the $400,000 per speech fees are being paid by white men to a black man,” Earnest pointed out. “We’re confident that every aggrieved person of color will view this as an important symbolic representation of the intent of the reparations movement. Even though they may not personally benefit a member of their race will benefit and that has to make them feel good.”

Earnest took a similar view of the $65 million book deal Barack and his wife landed with Random House for their memoirs. This payoff is four times as large as the one snared by Bill Clinton and six times higher than the one George W. Bush received. “A black man getting paid more than a pair of white men is but another example of President Obama’s tireless efforts to balance the scales of justice,” he contended. “The vicarious satisfaction he is providing to the African-American community is immeasurable.”

Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) called the huge payments “troubling for Democrats. Wall Street has been one of our more reliable sources of campaign money. President Obama raised more money from Wall Street than any other candidate in history and Hillary was a close second. The millions that the former President is now on track to absorb will be dollars that could be better spent on promoting the election of more Democrats. Unless he is going to share some of these fees with the Party I’d have to categorize this as short-sighted and self-serving.”

Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-Vermont) was more blunt, saying “it makes him look like a greedy bastard. Cozying up to Wall Street was what doomed Hillary Clinton’s campaign. How can those of us pushing for social justice gain traction when the most prominent representatives of our philosophy take money from our class enemies? The only mitigating factor may be Lenin’s prediction that the capitalists will furnish the rope we use to hang them.”

UN Warns Against Repeal of Obamacare

This week the Office of the U.N. High Commissioner on Human Rights in Geneva warned the Trump Administration that repeal of the Affordable Care Act would violate international law. The warning came from Dainius Puras, Special Rapporteur on the right of everyone to the enjoyment of the highest attainable standard of physical and mental health. Puras cited Article 25 of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, which he says “establishes everyone’s right to a standard of living adequate for health and well-being, including food, medical care and necessary social services.”

According to Puras, “repeal of the ACA would make the United States liable for international sanctions or possibly UN military intervention to safeguard the American people from being deprived of their entitlements by the wrongful actions of a lawless regime.”

Democrats Make Support for Abortion Mandatory

Democratic National Committee Chairman Tom Perez declared that support for abortion is now a requirement for anyone who wants to run for office as a Democrat. “Every Democrat, like every American, should support a woman’s right to make her own choices about her body and her health,” Perez said. “That is not negotiable and should not change city by city or state by state.”

Democrats who believe that abortion is murder should keep this opinion to themselves for the sake of the Party,” Perez explained. “We’re not saying a person can’t think this, only that he must not say this as it gives aid and comfort to the enemy. Destroying this enemy takes priority over religious dogma that places the well-being of embryonic tissues on an indefensible pedestal. As Democrats we hold that society’s needs come before the individual’s needs. Those who can’t subordinate their scruples for the good of the Party have no right to call themselves Democrats.”

Perez professed to be unconcerned with a recent poll showing that 28% of registered Democratic voters are opposed to abortion. “First of all, we’re not saying that those opposed to abortion must get abortions,” Perez pointed out. “What we’re saying is that no one should be allowed to prevent another person from getting one. That includes refusing to pay for someone else’s abortion with their tax dollars. Second, we don’t think many of these so-called anti-abortion Democrats would leave the Party or vote against it because of this one issue when the very survival of the social welfare benefits the Party has pioneered is at stake. Is the life of an unwanted child really worth the sacrifice of these hard-won gains?”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Murderer Demands Release as ‘Reparation for Slavery’

By  John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnKori Ali Muhammad, the man under arrest for four murders, demanded he be released as “reparation for slavery. Whites enslaved millions of blacks and killed thousands of them. The four white men I shot can’t begin to balance the scales of justice. I need to be free to continue my work to even the score.”

His initial victim was Carl Williams, an unarmed security guard at a Motel 6 in Fresno, California. Muhammad claimed this killing was additionally justified because “he disrespected my right as a Muslim to consummate the sex for which I had paid a resident at the motel.”

Muhammad was apprehended during a shooting spree that took the lives of three more victims in his self-proclaimed mission “to kill as many white people as I could” after he had learned he was a wanted suspect in the Motel 6 murder. “I was afraid that a single murder would portray me as a common criminal. By broadening the scope of my actions I converted what might be perceived as petty motives into a noble crusade for historical justice. My current incarceration while awaiting trial continues the racism that has oppressed people of color in this country for hundreds of years.”

Muhammad’s quest received some sympathy from Drexel professor George–“All I want for Christmas is white genocide”—Ciccariello, who declared that “the arrest and persecution of this man for his initiative in righting a historical wrong makes me want to vomit. He just doing what every black person has an absolute moral right to do.”

Study of Animal Penises Called “Crucial to Solving World’s Problems”

Patricia Brennan, a visiting lecturer at Mount Holyoke College in Massachusetts, who spent nearly $400,000 of taxpayer dollars studying duck penises has become a spokesperson in opposition to Trump’s proposed cuts to funding studies like hers. One of the research topics likely to be cut off from tax-funding is her current project to study whale penises.

She is eager to examine a recently acquired an orca penis. “It’s enormous!” she exclaimed. “It takes up an entire lab sink. The very idea that Congress might not fund a thorough investigation of this extraordinary specimen is criminal. In order for us to actually be able to solve problems, or make money, or innovate, we actually need to know how these remarkable organs work.”

Brennan pointed to her work on ducks to support the case for federal funding of this type of research. “My study of duck penises established that male ducks essentially rape female ducks,” she observed. “The contention that this type of behavior evolved to perpetuate the species doesn’t make it morally right. Parallels in our own species raise serious questions about what we, as a society, should do to protect women from the unwanted attentions of men. Republican assertions that this type of research is an improper use of public funds are ludicrous.”

This weekend Brennan is sacrificing precious time that she would rather spend probing her whale organ to participate in a “march for science.” “Those of us on the frontiers of science are being unnecessarily diverted from crucial research in order to prevent the enemies of knowledge from taking their pound of flesh from us,” she lamented.

White House Budget Director Mick Mulvaney rebutted Brennan’s argument saying “we are not suppressing anyone’s research. The academic community will remain free to pursue whatever topics they wish with whatever funds they are able to raise from voluntary donations. What we are aiming to do is free taxpayers from being coerced into financing activities that are not within the constitutional powers of the government.”

Dean Asserts that “Hate Speech Is Not Protected by the First Amendment”  

This week, former Democratic presidential candidate and Vermont Governor Howard Dean expressed his alarm that author Ann Coulter has not been effectively silenced by the University of California at Berkeley. Initially, the University forbade Coulter from speaking on campus citing the event as “dangerous.” After Coulter took steps to go ahead without the University’s official approval Dean became irate.

“Coulter is notorious for rejecting the mainstream consensus on immigration, Muslims, taxes, welfare, you name it,” Dean maintained. “Her jibes are so venomous as to generate ridicule for those who hold opposing views. Clearly, she hates liberals and the victims we champion. The university was well within its rights to defend its public space from being exploited by this awful woman.”

Dean assailed “the notion that hateful words and ideas can infiltrate our communities and airwaves under the guise of freedom of speech is a threat that must be stopped by any means necessary. The violent protests lodged by the Antifa movement are an encouraging sign that the young people of our universities understand what’s at stake. In many instances they have been successful in deterring the airing of inappropriate ideas. But we can’t let young people bear the entire burden of silencing evil thoughts. Those right-thinking individuals among us who hold the reins of power at the state level or in the courts need to put forth a commensurate effort to end the noise pollution emitted by the likes of Coulter and her ilk.”

In related news, the masked AntiFa demonstrator who bashed a Trump supporter in the head with a bicycle lock turned out to be Professor Eric Clanton of Diablo Valley College in California. “If those in authority had done a better job of protecting college students from hate speech professors wouldn’t have to take it on themselves to do what should’ve been done,” Dean said. “It’s disheartening that the best and brightest feel compelled to wear masks while they are defending the progressive agenda.”

Communist Surges in French Election

Jean-Luc Mélenchon, the joint candidate of the French Communist Party and the Unbowed France political movement, is surging in the polls following his pledge to “raise taxes on the rich to 100% and gut the goose that lays the golden eggs for the benefit of the working class.”

“The idea that anyone has the right to withhold anything from the people and their representative, the state, is a pernicious doctrine we must exterminate,” Mélenchon said. “For too long progressives have held back from this obvious truth and solution to society’s problems. When everything is thrown into the common pot and shared equally no one will suffer deprivation. All will enjoy the abundance of our common effort.”

Mélenchon is also considered “cool” by millennials for his use of technology to get his message across. His appearance at multiple rallies simultaneously as a hologram has excited the youth of the nation. Paris university student Bernard Balourd gushed, “it’s like he’s from a galaxy far away. This gives me confidence that he will be the one to lead France to a bright new future. I only wish he would add sharing the grades of A-students with the rest of us. In my way of thinking, hoarding knowledge and effort is as bad as hoarding wealth.”

Meanwhile, rival presidential candidate Emmanuel Macron from the En Marche! Party, sought to outflank Mélenchon and lock-up the pusillanimous vote by assuring French citizens that “terrorism will be a daily fact of life when I’m president. The false hope purveyed by Le Pen that we can eradicate this problem via a program of resistance and expulsion of Islamic troublemakers is a ‘bridge too far.’ The sooner we acclimate to the new reality, the quicker we can return to our essential French persona.”

However, even this ridiculously flaccid stance was assailed by anti-capitalist party candidate Philippe Poutou who argued that “a more rigorous policy of appeasement toward Islamists is the wiser road. Was collaboration with the Germans really worse than the horrors of the D-Day invasion? I think the destruction wrought by the clash of Allied armies with the Germans was far more severe than anything that transpired during the occupation. I’m confident that the sane segment of voters will agree with me.”

In related news, House Democrat Maxine Waters admitted that “taxpayers are subjected to painful levels of taxation,” but insisted “it is for their own good. Everyone knows the saying ‘no pain, no gain.’ While taxpayers may groan under the impositions we place on them, the transfer of vital resources from the selfish hands of individuals to the socially-conscious hands of the government is better for the collective whole. That Trump wants to impede and maybe even reverse this salutary process reemphasizes the urgency of our effort to impeach him.”

Trump Just one of Dozens Spied on by Obama

A long list of individuals and organizations subjected to surveillance by the Obama Administration was cited by former National Security Adviser Susan Rice as “proof I did nothing wrong.” The list included Former U.S. Rep. Jane Harman (D-Calif), Pro-Israel lobbyists, FBI contractor and whistleblower Shamai Leibowitz, Tea-party groups, WikiLeaks, New York Times reporter James Risen, NSA whistleblower Thomas Drake, Fox News reporter James Rosen, CBS reporter Sharyl Attkisson, former U.S. Rep. Dennis Kucinich (D-Ohio), Fox News reporter Mike Levine, ATF Special Agent John Dodson, former CIA Director Gen. David Petraeus, Associated Press reporters, Benghazi whistleblowers, President Obama’s vice chair of the Joint Chiefs of Staff James Cartwright, Army intelligence analyst Bradley Manning, CIA officer and whistleblower John Kiriakou, NSA Whistleblower Edward Snowden, reporter Audrey Hudson, FBI agent and contractor Donald Sachtleben, former state department contractor Stephen Jin-Woo Kim, the Senate Intelligence Committee, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, former CIA employee Jeffrey Alexander Sterling, unspecified members of Congress, American-Jewish groups, Trump adviser Carter Page, Lt. Gen. Michael Flynn, candidate Donald Trump’s campaign, and President-elect Donald Trump’s transition team.

“This list completely debunks Trump’s contention that he was unfairly singled out for surveillance,” Rice added. “For years a wide variety of individuals from various walks of life were designated for covert oversight. All of this was done under the President’s authority as the nation’s Commander-in-Chief. Those coming forward now to criticize this tread awfully close to the boundary demarcating treason. It is they who should be fearful of their actions, not me.”

Rice also characterized recent revelations that Obama’s CIA director, John Brennan colluded with foreign governments in an attempt to prevent the election of Donald Trump as “a heroic demonstration of patriotism and loyalty to the President. Here we have a man unconstrained by mere adherence to statutory law going the extra mile to try to ensure that the C-in-C’s legacy would not be subverted by a man with no commitment to the values shared by members of government from both sides of the aisle. Director Brennan should be receiving the thanks of a grateful nation rather than being criticized by persons of questionable motives.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.