San Fran Too Dangerous for Feds to Come to Work
Crime in San Francisco is so bad that federal employees in the Speaker Nancy Pelosi Federal Building have been told to work from home. The area nearest the building has become a haven for illegal drug dealing. Citywide, homicides are up 21%, robberies are up 14%, and motor vehicle thefts are up 13% since the beginning of this year.
Cheryl Campbell, an assistant secretary with the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) gave the stay at home order, saying “we thought things were bad having to dodge piles of human excrement, avoid stepping on used syringes, and fending off persistent panhandlers, but the surge of violent crime in the city makes it too risky for anyone to have to run this gauntlet just to get to work." Asked how long the stay away order would be in effect, she said “barring the extremely unlikely odds of a Republican mayor and city council being elected I'd have to say forever.”
Pelosi herself blamed the surge in crime on “the failure to permanently outlaw assault rifles. We passed a ban in 1994, but it expired in 2004. Now anyone can legally get these dangerous weapons. President Biden has asked us to reenact the ban and make the companies that manufacture and sell these rifles liable for crimes committed with these guns. Maybe we can't get the guys who pull the trigger, but if we can bankrupt their suppliers we can make a dent in the unauthorized use of deadly force.”
Strangely, there was no decrease in murders committed with assault rifles during the ten years they were banned. It may be that people intent on murdering someone aren't deterred when their preferred gun is outlawed. But at least law-abiding people were scared off from buying these weapons for self-defense. And bankrupting gun manufacturers and retailers will ensure that those needing guns for self-defense will be out-gunned by criminals who obtain their firearms illegally.
The situation in Chicago may be even worse. Police have been instructed to not interfere with armed robberies because it is too dangerous. Chief of Police Larry Snelling explained that “qualified officers are too scarce and expensive to risk losing them in gunfights with armed criminals. The safer and more efficient option is for people not to venture outside their homes after dark. To try to encourage criminals to cooperate with this plan we have asked that they confine their shooting sprees to the hours between 9 pm and 9 am. That way most of the murders will be of people too foolish not to stay indoors after dark.”
SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE by John Semmens
