Immigrants Make Guv Look Bad

In order to persuade suburbs to take on a bigger share of the flood of illegal migrants in New York, Gov Kathy Hochul (D) characterized the invaders as "hopeful immigrants seeking work."

Unfortunately, the 5,000 immigrants being housed in the Row New York City Hotel show no sign of being interested in work of any kind. Site Administrator Carlos Arrellano said that "when the immigrants arrive they are given rooms that previously rented for $500 a night, free benefits, like Uber services, healthcare, car seats and cribs for children, laundry services, housekeeping, metro cards for the subway, and three meals a day."

"Yet, they have trashed the hotel," Arrellano added. "They take showers without using the shower curtains and are causing major water damage to carpets and furniture. They start cooking fires in their rooms. Adults and children wander the corridors and neighborhood drunk or high. They sell their metro cards for cash to buy drugs. Some of them carry guns even though guns are strictly illegal in this city."

Hochul blamed the unruly behavior of the immigrants on "the incompetence of the mayor and the widely acknowledged evils of urban life" and inanely suggested that "the fresher air of the suburbs would be a better fit for these aspiring farm workers"--a suggestion that Mayor Eric Adams (D) strongly disagreed with. A potential compromise being discussed between them is to house immigrants in aircraft hangars at JFK Airport because they both agree that "people need shelter more than airplanes do."

In other immigrant news, parents of children attending Chicago area schools are up-in-arms over the admission of unvaccinated immigrant children when locally born and raised children had to show proof of vaccination to be allowed in the school. Mayor Brandon Johnson argued that "it would be unfair to require non-citizens to be vaccinated since their parents had no right to vote. Like the first American patriots, I firmly believe in no vaccination without representation."

SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE by John Semmens