Mulvaney Plan to Counter Boycott

Dylan Mulvaney, the transgender activist who's endorsement of Bud Light Beer knocked it off its position as America's best-selling beer, has a plan the thwart the type of boycott he inspired. "As I see it, the simplest way out of the clutches of the anti-woke counteroffensive is for me and people like me to be signed as spokespersons for every product."

"Look, it's easier for the haters when they can switch to another beer," Mulvaney reasoned. "But what if every beer is endorsed by a transgender? Can all the beer lovers go cold turkey and boycott all the beer brands? I think not. The same goes for other businesses. Right now Target is suffering because it took a strong stand to market the penis-tucking garments many transgenders need. Now we need to boost the encouragement for other retailers to make the same marketing decision."

"I met with President Biden and he is onboard with the idea that all businesses should help normalize the acceptance of the transgender message and lifestyle," Mulvaney boasted. "In fact, he called opposition to mainstreaming our values 'cruel.' While he admitted he wasn't optimistic about getting trans-friendly legislation through Congress, he did promise to ask Attorney General Garland if there might be a way he or the Federal Trade Commission could issue an order or interpret an existing law or rule to require all businesses to accommodate the needs of the transgender segment of the population."

In related news, University of Michigan professor Justin Wolfers called those who boycott to protest transgenderism "domestic terrorists. This is not the righteous boycott, vandalism, and arson that progressives organized in protest against the death of George Floyd. It is unwarranted opposition to the woke social revolution." Ironically, Target's efforts to assuage the boycotters by removing the penis-tucking clothing has resulted in bomb threats demanding that they reverse course again.

SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE by John Semmens