By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
With the official unemployment rate topping 10 percent and the “unofficial” rate approaching 20%, President Barack Obama has sought to reverse his plunging job approval numbers by launching what he calls a “domestic employment initiative.”
“I am calling on the wealthiest 10% of Americans to help out the 10 percent who are unemployed by hiring them as domestic servants or personal aides,” Obama announced. “Even in these hard times, the upper crust of our society has more money than they need and lives in bigger houses than necessary. So, the means and infrastructure to support my initiative are already present. All that’s required is the will to make it happen.”
The President pointed out that “my wife has, herself, hired over two dozen personal assistants. And I am happy to report that she now wonders how she ever got along without them. I am confident that others will likely experience a similar epiphany once they have someone on their payrolls to cook, clean and run errands.”
Obama said he hoped the initiative would spark sufficient voluntary participation, but would consider a more forceful approach if necessary. “If the kind of carefree life Michelle has enjoyed through her acts of generosity isn’t inspiring enough we can look into other types of inducements,” he said.
Among the “other inducements” receiving some play in the Obama Administration is a “surtax” on incomes over $250,000 per year for households that do not hire at least one more domestic servant/aide—the funds from which would be used to hire servants and aides for families earning less than $250,000 per year.
President Brokers Deficit Reduction Deal
Indications that American voters are becoming concerned with ballooning federal deficits is building pressure on the President to come up with a solution. A leak from a well-placed Administration official says a “blockbuster” deal is in the works.
The deal is said to involve a massive “payment-in-kind” to the nation’s largest creditor—the Government of China. Concerned that its holding of a trillion dollars in US Treasury debt might be wiped out by a collapse in the value of the US currency, the Government of China has reached tentative agreement with the Obama Administration for the debt to be cancelled in return for a trillion dollars worth of military hardware.
“It really makes a lot of sense when you think about it,” said the leaking official. “The Chinese Army has manpower, but is short on sophisticated equipment like aircraft carriers, long-range missiles, and high-performance airplanes. In contrast, we have far more than we need. Not only would transferring these military assets reduce the debt, it would also save us the expense of maintaining and manning these assets.”
The prospective deal is also deemed likely to reduce tensions between the two nations. “Look, tensions between the United States and the Soviet Union were greatly reduced when we supplied them with weapons during World War II,” said the official. “Why shouldn’t we expect a similar outcome here?”
ACORN Sues Federal Government
The Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now, better known by its acronym—ACORN—has filed suit against the federal government over the cut to its funding passed by Congress. The suit alleges that the cuts are both “inequitable” and “unconstitutional.”
“First of all, the extensive history of government payments to our organization has created a financial dependency that it is the government’s obligation to sustain,” claimed ACORN CEO Bertha Lewis. “Cutting us off is just as wrong as cutting off the benefits to a welfare mother whose income-earning skills have atrophied while she has been on the dole. Those who depend on that dole—mother and children alike—would be irreparably harmed. Those who depend on ACORN—both its offices and clients will be irreparably harmed.”
“Second, ACORN was a vital participant in the electoral process that brought the current Administration into power and ensured a Democratic majority in Congress,” Lewis continued. “They owe us. Cutting us off is like defaulting on a debt. It’s just wrong.”
ACORN maintains that in addition to being unfair, the cut in funding violates the “ex post facto,” “bill of attainder,” and “cruel and unusual punishment” prohibitions in the Constitution. “Advising someone on how to set up a business, even an illegal one, has never been prosecuted before,” Lewis contended. “I mean, lawyers do it all the time. Cracking down on ACORN comes after-the-fact and singles us out for cruel and unusual punishment. Certainly, this is not the ‘change’ the President intended for his Administration.”
Congress Exempts Self from Health Care Bill
While the health care legislation recently passed by congress is deemed worthy enough to merit universal application to ordinary folks—in fact there are fines and prison sentences in store for those who would dare to refuse to participate—it apparently is not good enough for members of the federal government. Despite being given eleven different opportunities to amend the bill to include mandatory participation by members of congress, the Democratic majority voted every one of the amendments down.
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi explained that “the President said that people who are satisfied with their current health insurance don’t have to change. We in congress are satisfied with our insurance and, to be blunt, are in a position to ensure that we don’t have to change, because we make the laws.”
The health insurance coverage enjoyed by members of congress has long been considered the “gold standard” for its extensive and generous benefits. Suggestions that it be used as a model for a national health care system for all Americans has been repeatedly rejected as infeasible due to its high cost.
“It’s possible to cover a small minority, like congress, with the kind of benefits we all long for,” Pelosi said. “But it would be far too costly to try to provide it for everyone. It is essential to ensure that those who govern this great nation be kept in the best of health. To try to do the same for all is a luxury we cannot afford. Sometimes people just have to settle for less than they might want.”
One-Man Jihad Should Not Deflect Us from Main Danger
U.S. Secretary of Homeland Security, Janet Nipplitaliano, warned Americans to “not let the actions of one troubled individual obscure a more serious threat.” The “troubled individual,” of course is Nidal Malik Hasan, the would-be jihadi who went on a shooting spree that killed 14 people at Fort Hood in Texas.
“Many will cite this individual’s rants and affiliations with radical Islamist groups to divert attention from the fact that there are amongst us millions of military veterans and gun nuts who vastly outnumber the few thousand Muslim fanatics who would take up arms against unbelievers,” Nipplitaliano asserted. “Clearly, we must counter the easy availability of guns and the prejudicial attitudes that pose the more alarming threat.”
Nipplitaliano said “law-abiding Americans can also take comfort that their President is working with international organizations and other nations to implement treaties that will severely curtail access to firearms. A Congress influenced by NRA (National Rifle Association) lobbying may balk at measures aimed at getting control of guns, but there is a way around this impediment. Few realize that according to the Constitution, treaties take precedence over mere statutes or Constitutional Amendments. If the President signs onto international agreements restricting gun ownership, NRA lobbying will be nullified.”
In related news, President Obama urged the nation “not to be too hard on the alleged assailant at Fort Hood. Longstanding racial prejudice inflicts deep wounds on the victims. Rage is the natural consequence. I, myself, have felt rage against the white man. I wrote about it in my book. If I hadn’t been able to channel that rage into obtaining power through legal means, I, too, might very easily have taken up arms against my oppressors.”
Global Recovery Will Not Be Driven by U.S. Consumer
President Barack Obama is expected to inform Asian leaders that they should not count on American consumers to supply the demand that will help pull the global economy out of its current recession.
“The era of material greed must come to an end,” Obama declared. “I can’t directly affect the phenomenon of avarice in other countries, but I can try to set an example in my own.”
The President acknowledged that the unemployment rate in the United States “has already taken a bite out of the consumer gluttony traditionally manifested in American life. But we must not lose what we have gained by returning to old ways. Getting people to learn to live with less is one of the fundamental changes I’m making to the American way of life.”
“My pay czar has already begun the process of sopping up excess purchasing power from those who don’t need it,” Obama said. “And our cap-and-trade energy bill will siphon off more unneeded income. The frugal America I am building won’t be able to buy the unnecessary gadgets Asian economies are manufacturing.” The President recommended that Asian nations “shift toward producing more environmentally friendly ‘green goods.’”