By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
While admitting that there are “imperfections” in the nation’s security measures against “man-caused disasters,” Homeland Security Secretary Janet Nipplitaliano maintained that the system is basically sound—comparing the avoidance of a Christmas Day bombing of a Northwest Airline flight to a football team’s “goal line stand.”
“Look, nothing happened,” Nipplitaliano insisted. “No bomb went off. Sure, the guy never should’ve been allowed on the plane in Nigeria or Amsterdam. Granted, the lack of a passport would normally prohibit a person boarding an international flight, especially for a person on the terror watch-list. But these errors occurred outside US jurisdiction. The important thing was our back-up plan worked.”
The “back-up plan” apparently is to rely on unarmed passengers to take action against on-board terrorists. The would-be bomber, Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, was tackled by a passenger before he could set off the bomb.
Nipplitaliano urged critics not to forget that “thousands of flights landed safely without incident on the same day. I mean, even if a flight were to blow up everyday, it still would represented less than a 1% casualty rate. Which is, I think would be reasonably tolerable considering how much worse it could be.”
President Barrack Obama concurred in Nipplitaliano’s assessment, calling the bombing attempt “an isolated incident. There were thousands of flights that day and only one was attacked. Even if it had been successful it would not have represented a significant threat to our government or my personal safety. Americans can rest assured that even if a plane they are on is destroyed, the critical components of our society will be protected.”
Courts Rule Governors Can’t Cut Spending
In separate rulings, one in California and the other in Minnesota, judges ordered those states’ governors to restore spending that they had reduced because of soaring deficits.
In Minnesota, District Judge Kathleen Gearin directed state Governor Tim Pawlenty (R) to reinstate cuts he had made to a food distribution program, calling the Governor’s actions “callous and immoral.” “At a time of high unemployment it is exceedingly cruel for a state official to be denying people access to the food they need to live,” Gearin said. “This is especially the case when it is obvious that the government has not maximized its collection of funds from those taxpayers who still have money over-and-above their personal needs.”
In California, Alameda Superior Court Justice Frank Roesch ordered Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger (R) to “cease and desist its practice of furloughing thousands of state workers. These workers and their families have become dependent on their salaries to meet basic needs. These needs must not be sacrificed to out-dated notions of fiscal prudence. If there are shortfalls in revenues, the ample resources still in taxpayers’ possession must be exhausted before state workers are made to suffer.”
Obama’s Theft from Employer Shows Character Says CNN Reporter
Revelation that, as a teen employee of Baskin-Robbins, Barrack Obama gave away free ice cream to his friends was held to be a demonstration of “the type of generosity that drives this great man,” according to CNN reporter Ed Henry.
“Even as a young man, when faced with the choice of serving corporate interests or benefiting the average citizen, Barrack Obama chose courageously and wisely,” Henry observed. “Your typical minimum wage worker would’ve been too scared to opt for social justice in such a situation. After all, getting caught could’ve meant getting fired.”
“The pay-off to America today is a President who is trying to give Americans an extra serving of health care, even if it means dipping into the profits of corporate America,” Henry continued. “He has the strength of character not to be held back by a slavish devotion to the ‘knee-jerk’ ethics that might paralyze others.”
Vote Buying “Perfectly Legal” Says Senator
Average voters might be shocked to learn that bribery is legal when congress does it. Senator Tom Harkin (D-Iowa) rebuffed the uproar over the financial inducements granted to fellow Senator Ben Nelson (D-Neb) in order to secure his vote for the healthcare bill.
“Giving a person money or other benefits to buy his vote would be illegal if a private individual did it,” Harkins said. “The thing that most people forget, though, is that process of legislation is the making of laws. That means that whatever congress puts in the laws is, by definition, legal. The remarkable aspect of this whole affair is that the price for obtaining the needed votes was only $1.2 billion. This is small potatoes in light of the fact that we could have granted as much as we wanted to as many people as we wanted because we make the laws.”
Senator Nelson pronounced himself “dumbfounded by the outrage at my bargaining, especially from citizens in my own state. I feel like I’m being unfairly singled out just because I did a better job of bringing home the bacon for my constituents. Voters in other states are the ones who ought to be upset that their senators sold out for so much less than I did. I just don’t know what this world is coming to.”
Iran Says West Instigates Protests
The Iranian Government’s Foreign Ministry spokesman, Ramin Mahmanparast, blamed recent street violence in his country on “Western instigators.”
“The modern media allow our nation’s young people to be constantly exposed to the most vile influences of infidel culture on a daily basis,” Mahmanparast complained. “We cannot control what they see and hear. Anyone can turn on the Internet and have their minds polluted.”
“Women are particularly vulnerable,” Mahmanparast contended. “Their naturally weaker minds are dazzled by the West’s material abundance and the elevated status enjoyed by females in that depraved culture. Devotion to God and family, obedience to their fathers and husbands is pushed aside by delusions of equality.”
Mahmanparast insisted that troops targeting female protestors was “a necessary counterbalance to the media’s targeting of women with their consumer advertising. Women must learn that straying from Allah’s prescribed path holds dire consequences. Those more fortunate may suffer only being raped for their transgressions. Others will be shot down like Neda Agha-Soltan was.”
President Grades First Year in Office
Though he admitted that others might disagree with his assessment, President Barrack Obama gave his Administration a “solid B+” for its first year in office.
“Some of my critics are saying I’ve failed to deliver on the promises I made during the election,” Obama declared. “And yes, unemployment has gone higher than we expected. And yes, bankruptcies and foreclosures continue to plague the economy. And yes, the war in Afghanistan hasn’t gone well. And yes, terrorists seem to have been rejuvenated. And yes, a lot of people are marching in the streets to oppose my policies. But let’s not let these few setbacks obscure the positive accomplishments.”
“First, I did win the Nobel Prize in quicker time than any past US president,” Obama pointed out. “Second, with the collaboration of congress, I did boost government spending by more than a trillion dollars. To take just one small example of how this is benefiting our economy, for only $2 million we were able to weatherize seven homes in Texas.”
“And let’s not forget that, finally, heathcare reform has passed in congress,” Obama added. “While there are a few differences yet to be ironed out between the House and Senate versions, the thrust of both bills shifts control from an anarchic individualistic approach to a socially responsible one. Government will require everyone to purchase adequate insurance coverage. Individuals and families won’t have to try to figure out what coverage they need. There will be government standards specifying the coverage they need.”
“Further, the soaring costs of healthcare will be constrained by ending outlays on treatments that have a poor cost/benefit prognosis,” Obama concluded. “Scarce funds won’t be wasted on prolonging the lives and suffering of the terminally ill. The needs of the many will triumph over the selfish wants of the few.”
Obama and Kim Jong Il Become “Facebook Friends”
In what the Obama Administration is characterizing as “innovative diplomacy,” it was announced that President Obama and North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il have become “Facebook friends.”
“Facebook is a great way to build networks of friends and improve communications,” explain Press Secretary Robert Gibbs. “It’s easy to use and can link up diverse participants. Kim will be invited to become friends with those listed as friends of the President and vice versa. The potential is virtually unlimited.”
Gibbs stressed the “breakthrough” nature of the move. “No previous administration ever thought of doing this,” Gibbs boasted. “It’s a fulfillment of the President’s promise of change and emblematic of the new hope he is giving to the American people.”