By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
A visibly angry President Barack Obama vowed “an aggressive approach” for dealing with the British Petroleum (BP) oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. “This stain on my Administration will not go unpunished,” the President promised. “We will spare no effort in our pursuit of justice.”
The President’s first step was to send Attorney General Eric Holder to Louisiana “to scout for suspects that we can hold accountable for this disaster,” the President explained. “There’s got to be somebody somewhere that did the wrong thing or failed to do the right thing. That person or those persons must answer for this crime.”
In addition to a search for those responsible for this crime, the President said he is taking protective measures against “copycat criminals” by “banning all further off-shore drilling until we can be assured that there is no danger of another incident.” The President likened this measure to “a crackdown on guns. If we remove the weapons—in this case, oil drills—by which a crime can be committed we can stop crime before it starts.”
The devastating economic losses to businesses located in the path of the spreading oil pollution will, according to the President, be offset by lawsuits. “The Attorney General has been instructed to render whatever aid is necessary to assist trial lawyers in finding and representing plaintiffs who have been harmed by this spill,” he said. “The silver lining is that this will act as a ‘jobs program’ for the legal profession and a kind of ‘paid vacation’ for the plaintiffs whose lost income and assets will be restored by jury awards.”
As for actually stopping the flow of oil from the blown-out well, the President assured America that “we have called in one of the foremost experts to address this aspect of the problem.” That expert is Hollywood film director James Cameron. In light of the success of his latest movie—Avatar—it is anticipated that his genius in “special effects” will help the Administration change the public’s perception of what is going on in the Gulf.
President Orders Improved Benefits for Homosexual Federal Employees
President Barack Obama “proudly” signed an executive memorandum authorizing the extension of “family” benefits to federal employees who have a homosexual partner.
The President rebuffed fiscal objections as “short sighted.” “Granted, the immediate impact is to add to the government’s financial obligations,” he admitted. “However, the long term projection is favorable.”
The favorable projection stems from, the President said, “the absence of the burdens of reproduction and child-rearing. Unlike so-called ‘straight’ couplings, homosexual partners are in no danger of producing a baby. If we can induce more to choose a homosexual lifestyle our country can avoid a lot of trouble and expense in the future. By signing this order that is what I hope we will accomplish.”
Doctor Says “Forced Abortion” Claim Exaggerated
While Michigan abortionist Dr. Abraham Alberto Hodari has admitted that he forcibly restrained a patient in order to continue with an abortion procedure when the patient wanted him to stop, he maintained that “it was the best option given the circumstances.”
“The assertion that I forced this woman to have an abortion she didn’t want is outrageous,” Hodari said. “I don’t go into the streets to kidnap women so I can abort their babies. They come to me of their own volition.”
“To allow a patient to change her mind in the midst of the procedure would be too risky,” Hodari went on. “Suppose I stop and the baby is born later with disabilities? That’s millions of dollars in liability for a lifetime of expensive care. A 20-year-old girl can’t comprehend what this would do to her and to me.”
“The safer course is always to complete the procedure,” Hodari concluded. “These women can always get pregnant again—obviously, they know how to do that. Besides, whether these women really do want a baby is a question that must remain in doubt. If they do, why do they come to me in the first place?”
Hodari has also been implicated in the deaths of other women who underwent abortions in his office. In June 2009, the Disciplinary Subcommittee of Michigan’s Board of Medicine fined him $10,000 for his role in the death of one of his patients. In addition, numerous complaints have been filed against Hodari for improper disposal of human remains in his dumpster.
Michigan Lawmaker Wants Government to License Journalists
Michigan State Senator Bruce Patterson (R-Lansing) has introduced legislation that would empower the state government to license and regulate journalists.
Patterson claims the legislation is necessary because “an increasing fragmentation of the sources of information is confusing the average person. The legitimate media are being drowned out by an army of amateurs. The Internet has made it affordable for anyone with access to a computer to promulgate his voice. Readers don’t know who they can trust, who to believe.”
Patterson’s bill aims to reduce the difficulty of knowing who to trust by having the state license those authorized to report on the news. “I’m not necessarily saying that those without a license would be shut down,” Patterson said. “But readers have a right to know which sources have been vetted by the state. Think of it as a sort of ‘Good Housekeeping seal of approval.’”
Under the bill, unlicensed amateurs would be subject to penalties if state regulatory officials determine that they have published articles that contain significant “inaccuracies.” “Freedom of speech and the press don’t entail the right to spread lies and untruths,” Patterson contended. “The people have a right to be protected from being misled. As their elected representative I am merely trying to codify this right in the state law.”
Congressman Inspired by Polls
Representative Alan Grayson (D-Fla) says that recent internal polling done by his campaign has given him renewed faith in America. According to Grayson, substantial majorities among not only Democrats, but Republicans and independents, as well, want him to run for “Emperor of the Universe.”
“The trust the voters have in me is a real boost to my self-confidence,” Grayson boasted. “And while I feel I would be an outstanding emperor I don’t want to get too far ahead of myself on this.”
Grayson said “the creation of the position ‘Emperor of the Universe’ will be my first order of business after I’m reelected to congress. Combined with these poll results, my reelection should provide significant momentum toward garnering the necessary votes to enact the required legislation.”
In related news, Grayson said given the enormous disaster of the Gulf oil spill, advocates of drilling deserve to be jailed. “If nothing else, this calamity ought to prove how criminally wrong our energy policy has been under the Republicans,” Grayson argued. “Criminals belong behind bars. I’d like to be the one who flips the switch that fries [RNC Chairman Michael] Steele. I look forward to working with the President to make this happen.”
Calls for Action against Israel Mount
Israel’s recent interdiction of the reputed humanitarian aid flotilla that was bound for Gaza has inspired angry calls for stern punitive measures.
Iran’s Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei called for “a coalition of the godly to rid the world of this cancerous tumor called Israel. The barbaric Zionist regime is beyond redemption. Extermination is the only rational option.”
Similar sentiments issued forth from Hezbollah Secretary-General Hassan Nasrallah who insisted “we shall not rest until every Jew in Israel is removed or slain. There can be no peace until this objective is realized.”
The Turkish Ambassador to the United States, Namik Tan, demanded a “final solution to the Jewish presence in Arab lands.” He defended Hamas’ attacks on Israeli civilians as “legitimate strikes by ‘Palestinian resistance fighters’ against an alien oppressor government.”
A more moderate tone was struck by veteran newswoman, Helen Thomas, who suggested that “the Jews in Israel be returned to Germany, Poland, or wherever they originally came from.”
The Obama Administration is reported to be taking these recommendations under consideration. While President Obama has ejected Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu from his visit to the United States, no further action has been yet decided upon.
North Korea Warns World
The North Korean Government warned that it will not stand for any sanctions others may seek to impose on it for the sinking of the South Korean naval vessel Cheonan, in which 46 sailors lost their lives.
“The world will rue the day it raised its hand against our country,” North Korean Deputy Foreign Minister Gung Ho asserted. “We will not shrink from levying a most hideous retaliation.”
Experts speculate that the promised “hideous retaliation” is likely to be yet another test of a nuclear bomb.
See the New Arizona Conservative Website