By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
Left wing activist Erica Payne denounced the “Tea Party” for “bringing disrespect of our government and our president to new levels of depravity. They are against everything that is good in America.” Saying “the time for reasoned debate is over,” Payne urged “all right thinking people to put aside tolerance of different opinions and stick it to these Neanderthals.”
Payne said she finds the Tea Party’s anti-tax stand particularly “dangerous.” “Taxes are the key to taking resources from the hands of selfish individuals and placing them in the hands of government where they can do some good,” Payne contended. “The argument that people need this money to feed their families is bogus. Americans are way too fat. If higher taxes make them eat less we’ll all be better off.”
In contrast to what she characterized as “an over-fed, over-housed, over-clothed American population, the government is starved for the resources it needs to create a more wholesome lifestyle for future generations,” Payne argued. “If all these decisions could be centralized under one authority there would be a more efficient and equitable distribution of the Earth’s bounty. Superfluous expenditures aimed at catering to individual eccentricities would be curbed and a more cost-effective uniform pattern of consumption could be imposed.”
Payne is a former Democratic National Committee member. She previously founded other organizations like the “Democracy Alliance,” a well-heeled group of liberal donors whose have invested over $100 million in so-called “progressive organizations.”
Dems Say Citizenship for Illegals Essential
Republicans raising the issue of possibly denying automatic US citizenship for children born to persons illegally in the country struck a nerve in the Obama Administration.
Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Nipplitaliano called the idea “just wrong.” “America has always been the land of opportunity,” Nipplitaliano said. “That’s why people come here. If we cut off their path to citizenship it’s like saying we don’t welcome them and they’ll stop coming.”
Press Secretary Robert Gibbs called efforts to deter illegal immigration “the wrong approach.” “We need to be expediting the legalization of those already here, not penalizing them for their initiative in getting here.”
Both Nipplitaliano and Gibbs criticized Republicans for “rejecting the leadership shown by President Obama.” “With a little cooperation from just a few Republicans we could have 10 million new naturalized voters on the rolls by the next presidential election year,” Gibbs pointed out. “Yet, rather than participating in such a landmark accomplishment the GOP wants to close the door of opportunity.”
In related news, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) admitted his puzzlement over the fact that not every Hispanic-American is a Democrat. “I mean, we’re the ones who put them on the gravy train,” Reid bragged. “The benefits they’re getting from the government—welfare, unemployment, healthcare—were all our ideas. Democrats are the champions of the lower classes. Why wouldn’t they all vote for us?”
Homosexual Bar Near Ground Zero Mosque Called “Travesty”
The plan to build a mosque near the site of the 9/11 attack on the World Trade Center buildings took a new twist when an investor announced his plan to locate a homosexual bar across the street. Greg Gutfeld says the bar is “an effort to break down barriers and reduce homophobia among Muslims.”
The planned bar was labeled “insensitive” by Mayor Michael Bloomberg. “Homosexuality is considered a sin by devout Muslims,” Bloomberg asserted. “For Mr. Gutfeld, a Jew, to try to insert such a den of depravity so close to a place of worship is a travesty. No good can come of it.”
Mosque spokesman, Malik Killayu went even further, calling the placement of the proposed bar “a virtual declaration of war. Gutfeld may imagine he is opening a dialog, but he should not be surprised if a righteous Muslim opens his head with an axe for this offense against Allah and his children.”
In another travesty, a group of high school students singing the National Anthem outside the Lincoln Memorial was shocked to be stopped in mid-verse by Capitol Police. The song, it seems, is deemed “too one-sided.” “The President is trying to reach out to other countries,” explained Officer Jamaal Ahmed. “Foreigners visiting the Capitol shouldn’t be disturbed by the bellicose phrases of this ode to American might.”
First Lady to Hit the Campaign Trail
Since many Democratic candidates have been quietly rebuffing offers from President Obama to make campaign appearances with them, the White House is now pushing First Lady Michelle Obama into the breach.
Though not terribly enthusiastic about the idea, Michelle says her recent trip to Spain has her in an upbeat mood. “You know, the President is very popular in Spain,” she boasted. “The king says he wishes more Americans were like him. And I think it’s a pretty safe bet that my husband will carry this state in the 2012 election.”
The First Lady deflected criticism of her expensive vacation in Spain, insisting that “my daughter and I paid our own way.” Nevertheless, taxpayers were hit with a $75,000 per day tab for security for the First Lady, her daughter and the large entourage of friends who accompanied them.
Democrats Rebut Quayle Ad
Miffed by a campaign ad put out by a GOP aspirant to an Arizona congressional seat, Democrats unleashed a stinging rebuttal. The ad in question called President Obama the “worst president in history” and was paid for by Ben Quayle, son of former Vice President Dan Quayle.
Brad Woodhouse, spokesman for the Democratic National Committee, took aim at Quayle for the ad. “First of all, let me point out that President Obama has been in office for less than two years,” Woodhouse observed. “There’s still time for him to rally from his poor start. Second, Quayle really lacks the standing to criticize the president. Quayle isn’t running for president. What he has to say about him isn’t relevant, especially since his father was the worst vice-president up until Joe Biden.”
Woodhouse suggested that “Quayle should stay in his own league. If he wanted to say that Harry Mitchell (D-Ariz.) or Gabrielle Giffords (D-Ariz.)—the one who wants our troops to stab instead of shoot terrorists—or whoever he’s running against out there is the worst congressman, then maybe I’d cut him some slack.”
Gibbs Suggests Drug-Testing for President’s Critics
Frustrated by criticism from the left, Press Secretary Robert Gibbs wanted to know “what these people are smoking” and suggested that they be “tested for hallucinogenic drugs.”
“With all due respect, I think they need to step back and consider what is politically feasible,” Gibbs advised. “The President is working as hard as he can to transform America. Will we eventually get nationalized healthcare? Yes. Will we have total nuclear disarmament? Yes. But it will take time. What we need from our friends on the left is credit for the strides we’ve made and the patience to wait for the proper timing for the changes we all want to see happen.”
Obama Protestors Arrested
President Obama’s fund-raising visit to the University of Texas inspired a spirited protest by a small group of critics. Lest the President be excessively troubled by the discord of non-universal acceptance, University Police stepped in and arrested the four demonstrators. The four were charged with “abuse of the freedom of speech privilege.”
“University rules require that free speech be restricted to the designated ‘free speech zone,’” explained campus administration spokesman Russell Bowdler. “This is an institution of higher learning. We can’t allow people to say anything they want anywhere that they want, especially when they are disrespecting the President and our government. By making an example of these four we are taking a stand against the anarchy they represent.”
John Bush, one the arrestees and the director of Texans for Accountable Government, argued that “surely our Constitutional right to freedom of speech has to take precedence over the University’s ‘speech code.’ The tiny space designated as the ‘free speech zone’ wasn’t near where the President was speaking and the audience was gathered. If we can’t take our message to where the people are what good can our speaking do?”
Bowdler called Bush’s claim to Constitutional protection “a matter of interpretation. Until someone of higher authority tells us otherwise we will enforce the rules we deem fit for the campus environment. As for Bush and his compadres now having criminal records, well, my heart bleeds for them. If they want to be dissidents then they have to pay the price. After all, I think I heard that freedom isn’t free. Mr. Bush, et al. should consider this episode a down payment on their precious freedom of speech philosophy.”
See the New Arizona Conservative Website