By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
With the controversy over the location of a new, $100 million mosque near the spot of the 9-11 attack heating up, leading luminaries of the Democratic Party have come out in favor of going ahead with it as planned.
From the White House we have observed President Obama giving his blessing to the project, both in words and deeds. “Building this mosque adjacent to the site of the worst massacre of civilians in US history opens up a dialogue between proponents of Islam and what are termed ‘unbelievers,’” the President said. “And dialogue is what America is all about. That’s why the project must go forward.”
To show that his commitment goes beyond just words, the Administration has provided funding to help mosques get built. On the one hand, the US State Department is granting $16,000 for the Ground Zero Mosque’s Imam, Feisal Abdul Raul, to go on a round-the-world trip to raise donations to support the mosque’s construction. Raul thanked the President for “his support in helping spread Islam and bringing America a step closer to the day when sharia law shall replace the ‘devil’s document’ that now rules the land.” The ‘devil’s document’ is believed to be the US Constitution.
On the other hand, the US State Department has been quietly supplying funds for the construction of mosques in other countries. So far, mosques in Tanzania, Egypt, and Iraq have received funding from the United States government. Though normally quick to pounce on government aid to religious institutions, the ACLU has refrained from intervening on the grounds that “the government’s support of these mosques is undertaken for political rather than religious motivations,” said ACLU spokesman Bertram Petty.
Democratic National Committee Chair Tim Kaine said he “would be just as supportive of building a synagogue near the site if Jewish fanatics had been the ones who had destroyed the World Trade Center on 9-11. The fact that Muslim jihadis were responsible doesn’t change my commitment to freedom of religion one bit.”
Senator Russ Feingold (D-Wisc) expressed his concern that “a person’s position on this mosque will be used to affect the outcome of upcoming elections. This is a violation of the McCain-Feingold regulations that prohibit groups from speaking out against members of Congress during the 60 days before an election.”
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) demanded that those opposing the mosque be investigated by the US Department of Justice. “Our leader, President Obama, has already decided that this mosque deserves our support,” Pelosi said. “To persist in opposing it at this point is disloyal and tends to undermine his authority to rule America. Those committing such treasonous acts should face the full punishment permitted by law.”
President Blames His Poor Performance Rating on Congress
Taking a page from former President Harry Truman’s 1948 campaign, President Barack Obama blamed his plummeting job performance numbers on what he dubbed a “do nothing Congress.”
“In a time that calls for sacrifice in the nation’s best interest, too many members of Congress are focused on petty concerns,” the President complained. “Among these petty concerns are worries about being reelected. It’s not as if I don’t already have measures in place to avert this risk. Besides, a seat in Congress is a short term accomplishment compared to a transformation that will reshape America for the next millennium.”
“Even worse is the bickering over the minor improprieties of a few members of Congress,” the President continued. “It is bad enough that a few tried to use their office for personal gain. What’s worse is their refusal once caught to quietly fall on their swords for the sake of the Party and my program.”
What Congress should be doing according to the President is “spending more money and raising more taxes. Enormous sums of money still remain in private hands. This pool of funds needs to be aggressively appropriated for the public good. But even if Congress balks at raising taxes, the Federal Reserve stands ready to manufacture as much new money as we require to fund added stimulus spending. So they have no excuse for not enacting additional legislation to get this money out the door and into the economy.”
Overall, the President said he would give Congress “a ‘D’” for what he labeled “a poor performance due mostly to lack of effort.” He refused to elaborate further as he said he was running behind schedule for his Martha’ Vineyard vacation trip, thus far, his sixth vacation trip this year.
Biden Confident of Election Outcome
Vice-President Joe Biden urged fellow Democrats not to place too much faith in polls that forecast massive losses for the Party in the upcoming election.
“Republicans may be euphoric over the prospect that the majority of those being polled say they are going to vote GOP in November,” Biden observed. “But as a wise statesman once said, it is not those who cast the votes that decide the outcome, but those who count the votes. And when it comes to counting we are still in the driver’s seat.”
As a show of confidence, Biden said he is willing to take anyone’s bet against the Democrats holding onto their majorities in the House and Senate—offering hundred-to-one odds: a hundred of your dollars to each one of his.
White House Spokesman Defends President’s Faith
Rankled that there appears to be rising doubt about President Obama’s religious beliefs, White House spokesman Bill Burton sought to allay concerns by personally attesting to his own observations.
“Those who question the President’s beliefs haven’t seen him as I have,” Burton pointed out. “I’ve personally seen him prostrate himself in prayer several times a day. And he’s just started on a fast to show his devotion to his faith. So, there is no doubt in my mind that the President is a God-fearing man.”
“Cost of Government Day” Observed
For the year 2010, “Cost of Government Day” fell on August 19. This day marks the division point between the amount of time individuals must work to pay taxes and the cost of government regulations and the amount of time they work for their own benefit. This year the split is 63% going toward the cost of government and only 37% going toward personal benefit.
Though most Americans would likely consider having almost two-thirds of their work effort go toward supporting government ‘getting the short end of the stick,’ Representative Pete Stark (D-Calif) advised people to “not whine too much about it. Government can pretty much do whatever it wants. This includes taking every cent you earn or own. So, people should be grateful that they have any time to work for themselves.”
Bloomberg Endorses Sestak
Though nominally a “Republican,” New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg flew to Pennsylvania to give a ringing endorsement of Democratic Representative Joe Sestak’s campaign for U.S. senator.
Bloomberg said he was throwing his support to Sestak “because he’s my kind of guy. He understands the need for the government to take a larger role in controlling society. For example, Joe has taken the initiative to try to rein-in excessive gun ownership. I also think he agrees with me that we need to take stronger action against people’s unhealthy habits and diets. And I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t oppose the building of a mosque near the site of the crash of Flight 93. So, what’s not to like about him?”
Congressman Bans Signs from “Town Hall” Meeting
Representative Tom Perriello (D-Virginia) prohibited the displaying of signs at his summer town hall meeting with constituents. Attendees were told “you can bring your opinions, but you cannot bring signs inside.”
Perriello insisted that his ban was aimed at encouraging free speech. “Look, speech is something that comes out of a person’s mouth,” he explained. “In my opinion, a sign just doesn’t qualify as ‘speech.’”
The congressman also argued that permitting signs would “interfere with the smooth flow of debate. We have one microphone for people to use when making comments. My staff hands that microphone to the person we are allowing to speak. A person with a sign can make his point to the media and other attendees without being called on. We’d lose control of the meeting. Keeping the signs out is a means of keeping the meeting within an orderly framework that insures the discussion doesn’t get off track. After all, I think everyone recognizes that some opinions are better left unspoken.”
Bankers Say Government Backing of Mortgages Essential
High ranking members of the banking industry met with the Obama Administration to urge it to “keep the spigots flowing” by continuing to pour federal money into financial markets.
“Access to the federal treasury is crucial,” said a spokesman for the industry insisting on anonymity. “We’ve got a sh*tload of bad debt on our hands. Without government money our stock value goes in the toilet and we can kiss our million dollar bonuses goodbye. So, I think you can see why we’re highly incentivized to press for continued aid on this issue.”
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