By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
Saying he “learned a lot” during his two terms as a member of the House of Representatives, US Senate candidate Joe Sestak (D-Pennsylvania) maintained that “I believe that those who make mistakes deserve a second chance. I think the big ones I’ve made in Congress over the last four years make me the most deserving of that second chance.”
Calling Obamacare, TARP, and the Stimulus “some of the worst legislation enacted in this nation’s history,” Sestak offered his sincere apologies and said “I couldn’t envision myself voting for anything as bad once I’m a senator.” Sestak speculated that his habit of voting for the President’s agenda “might be due to a Navy career of following the orders of my superior officers. I mean, the President is the commander-in-chief. Bucking his orders would’ve been insubordination. So, I don’t really think I can be blamed for supporting him.”
Sestak cited his “chastening experience” as a clear advantage compared to his GOP challenger, Pat Toomey. “As a participant in the President’s failed initiatives I believe I have the experience needed to avoid making the same mistakes,” Sestak boasted. “Mr. Toomey’s been out of government for the last six years. He has had no personal failures to learn from. I urge voters to keep this in mind when casting their ballots.”
In related news, President Obama professed himself “unconcerned” with the growing numbers of Democrats who are running against his policies. “In elections you say what you need to say to win,” Obama confided. “Once you’ve won you do what you want. I am confident that every Democrat understands this.”
Debt Crisis “No Big Deal” Says Geithner
The Congressional Budget Office is warning that the rapidly growing federal debt could reach crisis proportions if it isn’t hemmed in soon.
“When you owe money you have to pay it back with interest,” the CBO wrote. “For this to be feasible your future income stream has to grow faster than the interest rate on that debt. When economic growth fails to match debt repayment requirements default and bankruptcy are the result.”
US Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner dismissed the CBO report as “out of touch with modern monetary realities. Federal debt isn’t like private debt.
Private debtors have to worry about how they’re going to earn the money needed to pay back lenders. The federal government doesn’t. We have options that private borrowers don’t have.”
“Taxes don’t have to be earned,” Geithner pointed out. “They can just be imposed. For example, income tax rates once went as high as 90% in this country and 95% in others. We could reinstitute these rates if we have to. On the other hand, the Federal Reserve can simply create as much money as we need to cover payments on our debt. Finally, the President could declare a moratorium on debt repayment for the duration of the recession. So, really,
there’s no finite limit on how big the US debt can get. The CBO is getting worked up over nothing.”
State Gains Exception from Law on Military Ballots
The failure of military ballots to be mailed out in a timely manner during the 2008 election inspired Congress to enact legislation requiring a minimum of 45 days between the mailing of ballots and election day. It was believed that this would provide enough time for most overseas troops to cast votes that could be counted. The Obama dministration, however, just granted an exemption to the state of Wisconsin—allowing military ballots to be sent only 32 days prior to election day.
Attorney General Eric Holder defended the exemption calling the “effort of state election officials to conduct elections as they see fit is a higher priority than trying to ensure the voting rights of military personnel. The probability that the missing military votes would be decisive is small. Therefore, states should not be encumbered by a futile effort to have these votes counted on election day.”
Holder also questioned whether military balloting is at all appropriate. “Our country has always prided itself on ‘civilian control,’” Holder argued. “It is not at all clear to me why anyone in uniform is permitted to vote. Allowing soldiers to take political positions contrary to those of the ‘commander-in-chief’ seems like it would undermine iscipline. A soldier’s duty is to carry out his orders, not be encouraged to question them.”
President Says It’s OK for Voters to Blame Him for Economy
Though he insists that he is not at fault for the economy’s refusal to recover from the recession, President Barack Obama says that it is okay if voters blame him. “Just as a blameless Jesus took upon himself the sins of the world, I stand willing to take upon myself the blame for our nation’s economic troubles,” Obama declared.
Press Secretary Robert Gibbs defended the President’s controversial analogy saying that “there are eerie parallels between the two lives. Both were born in obscure circumstances. Both have mysterious gaps in their chronologies.
Both offered a message of hope and change. Both have been criticized by the establishments they have sought to reform. If both end up being punished for the sins of others, then so be it.”
Tax Hike Needed to Prevent Waste of Resources
The coming tax hike scheduled for January 1, 2011 has a lot of economists and business people worried. Not even Keynesian economics favors boosting taxes in a time of recession. Nevertheless, President Obama is adamant in
his position that the tax hike take place.
“I will grant that the idea of a tax hike during a recession is counterintuitive,” the President said. “However, the key is how the money is spent. I’ve heard the arguments saying that families might need this money for that businesses could use it to hire more workers. But these are very ‘iffy’ possibilities. I can absolutely guarantee that these hundreds of billions of dollars would be immediately put to the best conceivable uses. So, I’d have to say I can’t let Congress interfere with the transfer of this money to the government because I have better things to do with the money.”
In related news, Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell (D) branded Republican opponents of higher taxes and government spending as “fruit loops” and “flat-out crazy.” “For anyone to argue in this time of economic crisis that
individuals could do a better job with their resources than the government can is just plain nuts,” Rendell contended. “Individuals are motivated by petty, selfish concerns. The government has the national interest to contend with. It needs to have full access to whatever resources are available.”
Sebelius Warns Insurers
In the wake of the health care law passed earlier this year, insurers have been notifying their customers that new mandates for coverage will boost costs and premiums. In response, Kathleen Sebelius, secretary of Health and
Human Services, issued a stern warning to the health insurance industry, vowing to “put them out of business” for what she termed “unjustified” rate increases.
Arguing that the new law has “fundamentally transformed the health insurance industry,” Sebelius asserted that “all critical decisions on prices, coverage, and therapies have been transferred to my Department. We will decide who must be covered. We will decide what treatments, surgeries and drugs they may have. We will decide how much can be charged. Companies that have an issue with that are free to exit the business.”
Sebelius rejected the industry’s argument that premiums must be high enough to cover costs. “That may be how it worked in the old system,” Sebelius said, “but it’s not how it’s going to work in the future. If private carriers have to fold because they lose money providing coverage, the government is ready to fill the breach. If that ultimately means that government is the only insurer left standing, well what’s so bad about that?”
Brown Has Secret Plan
California Democratic gubernatorial candidate Jerry Brown announced that he has a “foolproof plan” to rescue the state from its current fiscal crisis, but can’t reveal what it is until after the election. “I can assure voters that my plan is ingenious,” Brown promised. “It will balance the budget without cutting any spending or laying-off any workers.”
Brown said he can’t reveal any more details “because I don’t want anyone to steal my ideas. I’ve been burned before.” Sources close to the former Governor indicate that he is still upset that his idea for a 30-year reunion was “stolen” as the plot for an Adam Sandler movie—“Grown Ups.” In the movie a bunch of goofballs reunite after 30 years and demonstrate that they are just as immature and clueless as ever. Brown contends that this is the basic
theme of his attempt to reassume the governorship of California that he held 30 years ago.
Brown contends that asking voters to take him on faith “isn’t as outlandish as my opponents argue. There is already precedent for acting without full knowledge as we saw with the President’s health care bill.”
Badgered by critics of the President’s 2,000+ page bill that few members of Congress read before voting on it, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) famously said that “we had to pass the bill in order to find out what was in