Homeland Security Asks for Broader Screening Powers

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News  

Homeland Security Secretary Janet Nipplitaliano declared the Transportation Security Administration’s “pat downs” to be a “great success” and requested a budget increase to extend them to other venues.

“Planes aren’t the only attractive targets for terrorists,” Nipplitaliano pointed out. “Trains and buses also offer a large number of potential victims. Then there’s sporting events and shopping malls. If we’re going to be thorough we need to screen in many more places.”

The Secretary rejected complaints about the intrusiveness of the searches as “overwrought. Any woman who’s undergone a pelvic exam has had to put up with a greater invasion of her person than she normally would under our screening system. A pat here. A poke there. It just takes a minute. Just grin and bear it.”

Nipplitaliano also dismissed fears that aversion to the screening could lead to unwelcome consequences. “Look, traveling, shopping, going to a ball game—all are voluntary activities,” she said. “If travel is reduced, that will save energy and lessen pollution. You can shop via the Internet if you don’t want to be probed at the mall. And most big time sporting events can be watched on TV at home. Would it really be so bad if more people stayed home more often? It seems like that would be safer all around.”

TSA’s “Pat Downs” Pose Disease Risk

The Transportation Security Administration’s “pat down” protocol may spread communicable diseases. While TSA officers do wear rubber gloves when touching air travelers’ genitals and anal cavities they do not dispose of the used gloves between checking other passengers.

“The purpose of the gloves is to protect our officers from coming into direct contact with a traveler’s skin,” said TSA chief John Pistole. “This protects against the transmission of fungus, parasites, bacteria, and viruses between the officer and the prospective airline passenger.”

While the barrier may block transmission of pathogens between inspectors and passengers, the failure to change gloves between each inspection exposes travelers to infection from each other. Protecting against the transmission from patient to patient is the reason why doctors and nurses discard gloves after each patient.

The risk of infecting multiple passengers by reusing gloves was dismissed by Pistole as “not really our concern. Our mandate is to prevent terrorists from smuggling weapons onboard the planes. We also need to protect the health of our personnel. If our officers get sick, air safety would be compromised. But providing a new pair of gloves for each separate passenger is not in our budget.”

Disposable rubber gloves cost about 10 cents per pair on the retail market. Volume discounts are available.

Prez Gets Fat Lip

It took 12 stitches to sew President Barack Obama’s lips together after he received an elbow to the mouth during a pick-up basketball game at Fort McNair.

The owner of the offending elbow was wrestled to the ground by the president’s bodyguard and is presently in custody. “What charges will be filed against this individual remain to be seen,” said Attorney General Eric Holder. “Attacking the president, even by accident, is a serious matter. We need to make an example that will serve as a warning to others. If the president is driving to the basket you get out of his way and let him score. If the president is guarding you let him steal the ball. This is simple common sense. Those who don’t have it may not be smart enough to be allowed to go free.”

Press Secretary Robert Gibbs sought to reassure the nation that “the president is expected to make a full recovery. Contrary to what some are saying, there is no need for the Vice-President to assume the powers and duties of the office as acting president.”

Others were not so sure. Vice-President Joe Biden assiduously affirmed his willingness to “step into the breach during this most perilous of times. An injury of this nature impairs the President’s ability to communicate with the people of this nation and with the leaders of foreign nations. His mellifluous voice is his greatest asset. Until his full command of it is restored our country will be at risk. It’s time to invoke the 25th Amendment.”

Under the 25th Amendment to the US Constitution, whenever the Vice-President and a majority of the members of the Cabinet declare the President is unable to discharge the powers and duties of his office the Vice-President shall immediately assume these powers and duties as “Acting President.”

A CNN “snap poll” showed that Americans approved of the injury by nearly a two-to-one ratio. “If anybody deserves a shot to the chops it’s Obama,” said one poll respondent. “He’s running this country into the ground. I just wish I’d have been the one to let him have it.”

Another poll respondent averred that “anything that can shut this guy up for even a little while is a blessing. He is the most insufferable blatherer to ever hold the office.”

Global Warming Means Lower Death Rates

A new study published in the peer reviewed journal Climate Change revealed that the phenomenon of global warming is likely to lead to lower human death rates. The research by professors Christidis, Donaldson, and Stott found that 0.7 deaths per million persons per year could be attributed to higher temperatures in the hottest areas, while 85 deaths per million persons per year could be attributed to lower temperatures in the coldest areas. For every one life lost due to increased heat 121 lives are saved.

Climate guru Al Gore challenged the premises of the research as “possibly racist and most certainly species biased. The coldest regions are inhabited mostly by white people, whereas the warmest are inhabited by mostly non-white people. So, saving 100 lives of white people at the cost of one life lost among non-white people is math that strikes me as implicitly racist.”

“Aside from the differential impact between different races of humans there is the issue of impact on non-humans,” Gore continued. “Humans aren’t an endangered species. Many other animals are. For example, there are more than six billion humans, but only about 20,000 polar bears. With such a big surplus of humans wouldn’t sacrificing some be worthwhile if we can save more polar bears by making the planet colder?”

Ex-Prez Carter Says Fox Distorts News

In an interview on CNN, former President Jimmy Carter claimed that Fox News “systematically distorts the facts and gives a false picture of reality.”

“If one were to believe Fox News, I was a terrible president and am now a doddering fool,” Carter complained. “I get no credit for accurately assessing the malaise that led to the awful 1980s under the mismanagement of President Reagan. Nor do I get any recognition for helping to demonstrate what a problem Iran would become for us. I may have appeared helpless and irresolute, but who else has done any better since I was president? Here it is 30 years later and all we’ve got are the ineffectual embargoes and moral censures that I pioneered.”

“People forget that I tried to rescue those hostages, but was thwarted by bad weather and a poorly conceived plan,” Carter added. “At least I never bowed down to any foreign potentate. Not everyone can say the same.”

In related news, Carter called criticism of North Korea’s recent artillery attack on South Korea “unwarranted.” “All they’re asking for is a little respect now that they’re a nuclear power,” Carter argued. “Our government’s position that somehow they aren’t entitled to their own nuclear weapons is simply unfair. Shelling South Korean civilians was a desperate cry for attention, much like Hamas’ shelling of Israeli villages has been.”

President Says He Is “Extraordinarily Proud” of His Record Thus Far

Despite the recent election in which his Party received a “shellacking,” President Obama told ABC News’ Barbara Walters that he is “extraordinarily proud” of his accomplishments to-date.

“I could’ve been just a run-of-the-mill president like so many others, but I’ve made these historic and interesting times in which to live,” Obama bragged. “Unemployment hasn’t been this high since the Roosevelt Administration over 70 years ago. These parlous circumstances have enabled me to preside over a spending spree unmatched by any previous president. More people are getting government checks than ever before.”

The President pointed to his “historic” health care reform legislation as another grand achievement. “What other law has been passed by congressmen who so openly admitted to not having read it beforehand?” he asked. “We are not only transforming the way health services will be delivered, we are also charting a new way to govern. There is no limit to what we can do when legislators are willing to blindly enact a policy that no one fully comprehends. This is a transformational legacy that will change this nation forever.”

Obama further contended that the idea of members of congress voting without a good knowledge about the content of the bill should not be surprising. “The American people voted for me without a good knowledge,” he pointed out. “It’s a new paradigm of faith in this nation’s leaders that may obviate the need for future elections.”

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One thought on “Homeland Security Asks for Broader Screening Powers

  1. azconserv1

    I would like to guard the president in a pick-up basketball game. I don’t mean to hurt him, but I would definitely use up my 7 fouls (senior league rules allow 7 fouls)! LOL!

    Yours truly,

    “Elbows” McCracken

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