OMB Nominee Explains Obama Strategy on Debt

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Inasmuch as President Obama’s budget for 2012 is more than a trillion dollars in the “red,” Senate Republicans grilled his nominee for Deputy Director of the Office of Management and Budget, Heather Higginbottom, on how this could be squared with the President’s assertion that the budget “doesn’t add one penny to the national debt.”

“First of all, a trillion dollars is not one penny,” Higginbottom pointed out. “So, from a semantic standpoint, the President’s statement is technically correct. Even more importantly, though, the debt is all on paper. We don’t have to pay it if we don’t want to. No one can make us pay it.”

Higginbottom denied that the President’s policy has the country headed for default. “Default would only occur if we lacked the dollars to pay off the debt,” she explained. “However, the US Government has an unlimited authority to create as many dollars as it needs. Thus, we will never be in default.”

Acknowledging that creating more dollars would undermine the value of the currency, Higginbottom said the President remains “unconcerned.” “We didn’t force anyone to buy our debt,” she recounted. “Thus, the ‘caveat emptor’ rule applies and buyers will have only themselves to blame if they end up losers.”

Dems Say More Domestic Oil Will Decrease Employment

Representatives Rob Andrews (D-NJ) and Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (D-Fla) warned that GOP efforts to open more US territory for oil drilling will decrease job opportunities.

“We can’t let ourselves panic over high fuel prices,” said Andrews. “On the surface, the high costs of driving look like they’d be bad for our economy. But when you really think about it, restricting access to cheap energy will actually help the economy grow.”

“If gasoline costs more people will be forced to buy more fuel-efficient cars like the Chevy Volt,” Andrews pointed out. “This creates jobs for General Motors. On top of that, we will need to build more electric charging stations to refill the batteries. Since recharging batteries takes considerably longer than refilling a gas tank drivers will need to kill time waiting. This will create a demand for something to do while waiting. This also will mean jobs for restaurants near recharging stations, video game manufacturers and the like.”

Representative Wasserman-Schultz seconded Andrews comments adding that “we need to consider the longer term outlook. Our current way of living is unsustainable. Oil is a finite resource. We need to move toward an economy based on infinite resources like wind and solar power. We’ve barely tapped these sources. Building windmills and solar collectors will employ millions.”

Both Andrews and Wasserman-Schultz rejected arguments that their approach isn’t cost-effective. “If something costs more it’s because it requires more labor to produce,” Andrews observed. “This by itself means more jobs. So, if it comes down to a choice between efficiency and more jobs, as a Democrat it’s a no-brainer decision.”

Senator Says “Tea Party” Will Fade

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) professed himself “unconcerned” about potential opposition from the so-called “Tea Party” movement since it is a “transient phenomenon.”

“Let’s face it, the long run trend has been for government to grow,” Reid observed. “The American people like getting goodies from the government. They don’t mind higher taxes because they think someone else—the rich—will pay them. They don’t mind bigger deficits because we can always postpone the necessity of paying off our debts. And don’t get me started on inflation. Americans blame businesses for that.”

Reid admitted that the Tea Party “has had some electoral success, but the old hands in Congress—of both Parties—will block any serious damage to the budget. Look, we’ve created the perception that a $100 billion cut out of a two trillion dollar budget would be catastrophic. In the end, the Tea Party crowd will have to settle for a few crumbs painstakingly extracted at great effort. When they’re exhausted it’ll be back to business as usual.”

“Once voters recognize that no one can cut government spending they’ll go back to supporting Democrats because we promise them a bigger slice of the government pie,” Reid confidently asserted. “The Tea Party will be left in the dust—just a brief hiccup in the nation’s march toward a more socially just society.”

In related news, Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY) advised House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) to “ignore any pressures from Tea Party affiliated members of Congress that would tend to undermine the permanent bipartisan governing majority that we long-tenured leaders have established.”

School Boys May Be Expelled for Possession of Oregano

Four boys at the Hickory Middle School in Chesapeake, Virginia were suspended and may be expelled for handling a baggie full of oregano at the school. The ill-fated prank was held to be “unacceptable mockery of the school’s ‘zero tolerance policy’” by the school administration.

“While oregano isn’t a banned substance, per se, I mean we use it home-ec classes, placing it in a small plastic bag and passing it to another student is the same thing a student would do if it were,” said Vice-Principal Jesse Twitman. “It’s an act of disrespect and defiance toward school authority. If there’s anything that the ‘zero tolerance’ policy is meant to achieve it is unwavering respect for authority by the students at this school.”

Twitman evinced indifference over the prospect that the accused students’ lives might be irreparably harmed by the contemplated disciplinary action. “If we make an example of these smart asses it may shock others into a more obedient frame of mind,” Twitman asserted. “The sacrifice of a few troublemakers is a small price to pay for the broader objective of bolstering the tools available to the proper authorities.”

President Urges Americans to Flee as Radioactive Plume Heads toward US

A plume of radioactive dust from Japan’s nuclear disaster is expected to drift over the United States mainland in the next few days. President Obama urged Americans to “plan their own exit strategy.”

“While we don’t know exactly how dangerous this cloud may turn out to be there are steps you can take to protect yourself from exposure,” the President said. “For example, now would be a good time to visit the Southern Hemisphere. The plume is expected to bypass this region on its first trip around the globe. So, you should be relatively safe there.”

Following his own advice, President Obama has scheduled a trip to Brazil for the duration.

NFL “Modern Day Slavery” Says Running Back

Minnesota Vikings running back Adrian Peterson argues that professional athletes are “modern day slaves.”

“People might laugh at me for saying this, but I feel like a slave,” Peterson contended. “Sure, there’s six or seven-figure annual salaries, but what about the working conditions? We have to play outdoors most of the time—in the heat, cold, rain or even snow. Meanwhile, most of our fans are sitting at home with their feet up, snacks and drinks at hand. They’re benefiting from our suffering.”

“And how many other jobs are there where 200+ lb. guys get to beat on you and it’s legal?” Peterson asked. “I feel like I’m feloniously assaulted every time I carry the ball. I get beat more often than Uncle Tom did by Simon Legree.”

As degrading as playing football for a living might be Peterson feels “the pain could be eased somewhat if the pay were better. I mean there’s lots of money out there they could give us. The owners are millionaires. The cities have multimillion dollar annual budgets. Each of the fans may not have as much, but there are millions of them. We just need to come up with some way to get more of that money into the players’ pockets.”

President Warns Supreme Court

President Barack Obama issued a stern “hands off” warning to the US Supreme Court on the issue of health care, saying that “this program is too important to allow it to be overturned by an unelected oligarchy.” The warning came in the face of calls for the Court to resolve conflicting rulings on the President’s health care legislation from several lower courts.

Conceding that “normally, it would be incumbent upon the Supreme Court to eventually clarify a situation in which lower courts have ruled differently,” Obama’s Acting Solicitor General Neal Katyal nevertheless urged the Court to “back off. Right now public opinion is heavily against this law, but this is before the Administration has been able to implement it—a step that the President feels will turn the tide of public opinion toward a more favorable view. We feel that the Administration deserves a chance to show that the program can work before the Court prejudges it.”

Katyal also suggested that “deferring a ruling would allow the opportunity for some more turnover on the Court, which could prove dispositive if an additional Obama appointee or two could be named.”

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