By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
Wisconsin union officials are calling the post-election correction of an error that converted a 200-vote deficit into a 7,000-vote lead for the conservative candidate, incumbent Justice David Prosser, for the state Supreme Court judgeship “unprecedented.”
“In every other instance in which previously uncounted or miscounted votes have been brought to light it has been to the benefit of the progressive candidate,” claimed Christine Lamitina, spokeswoman for the Service Employees International Union (SEIU) of Wisconsin. “Is this election in Wisconsin going to be the exception that contradicts a well-established history?” Lamitina appealed for President Obama to “step in and right the wrong that’s been done to the working people of this state.”
SEIU Vice President for Politics and Growth, Bruce Colburn vowed “unrelenting efforts to restore victory for Joanne Kloppenburg. We spent millions of dollars and millions of man-hours to get her elected. We won’t take ‘no’ for an answer. We will takeover the streets. We will clog the courts with lawsuits. We will shut this state down if that’s what it takes to get justice for our cause.”
GOP Bid to Cut Funding to Planned Parenthood Called “Anti-Constitutional”
In explaining why Democrats are willing to shut down the federal government rather than accede to Republican demands that one of the cuts to the deficit be funding for Planned Parenthood, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid characterized the demands as “anti-Constitutional.”
“I’m not saying that it rises to the level of unconstitutional,” Reid said. “But it’s pretty darn close. A woman’s right to terminate her pregnancy falls clearly within the ‘pursuit of happiness’ clause. Her right to fully enjoy her body without fear of unwanted consequences is fundamental to our way of life. I can think of no better place to take a stand against the mindless fiscal misers running the Republican Party.”
Reid rebuffed suggestions that the $350 million in yearly federal aid granted to Planned Parenthood could easily be made up through fees and private donations. “Why should any woman have to pay a fee to exercise her rights,” Reid asked. “Why should private individuals have to pay while the government neglects its duty to provide for these rights? If government can’t fulfill such a basic responsibility we may as well shut it down.”
Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY) concurred with Reid’s stance adding that “this organization and its supporters are the ‘life’s blood’ of the Democratic Party. As long as I have anything to say about it, the Senate will never, never, never cut funding to Planned Parenthood.”
In its efforts to protect women’s rights Planned Parenthood has slain over 300,000 children per year since it has been receiving federal aid. This amounts to 900 per day, all 365 days of the year.
Government Shutdown Won’t Affect Congressional Pay
While various segments of the federal government face defunding in the event of a government shutdown, Congressional pay won’t be affected. In an effort to deflect political repercussions, several members of Congress (including House Speaker John Boehner, R-Ohio) have sworn to forgo their paychecks for the duration of any shutdown, Representative Linda Sánchez (D-Calif) won’t be one of them.
“I can’t afford to go one day without my salary,” Sánchez declared. “Like most Americans, I live paycheck-to-paycheck. I have a two-year-old son. I have expenses. I need this money. Voters who elected me gave me a right to this money. I won’t give up a single cent of what I’m entitled to as long as I’m here.”
Sánchez’s annual salary is $174,000. On top of this she also receives generous allowances for job-related expenses (office and staff, travel, mailings), health insurance superior to that of most Americans, and a retirement package that is the envy of every working man and woman. The median household income of her constituents is around $46,000. About 9% of her constituents are currently unemployed.
In related news, even though a possible federal government shutdown might include suspending the paychecks of US military forces around the globe, US Army General Carter Ham told Congress that the Obama Administration is considering sending ground troops to Libya. Rebels fighting Dictator Qaddafi’s forces complain that “America’s ‘humanitarian bombing’ is not doing enough to help us destroy this enemy of Allah.”
President Urges Consumers to “Get used to Higher Gas Prices”
Calling higher prices “a key incentive for conserving,” President Obama told an audience of 500 employees at the Gamesa Technology Corp., a wind turbine manufacturing plant in Pennsylvania, that “we need to get used to higher gas prices for the sake of our environment.”
“There is no gain without at least a little pain,” the President argued. “Paying a few dollars more at the pump will encourage people to cut back on unnecessary trips and use public transit when they have to travel. If we’re going to save the planet we all have to make sacrifices.”
As an example of what a person could do, the President cited the fact that “I work from a home office. I’m not driving to work, burning hydrocarbons, adding to traffic congestion and air pollution. And when I find I do have to go out I never drive alone. I always carpool with a couple of bodyguards. If others would just do the same even if only for one or two days a week we’d make a significant contribution to solving our environmental problems. So, just think of higher fuel prices as kind of a ‘stick’ to help persuade more people to make the changes in their behavior that are required to clean the air.”
“Of course, the upside for you here at Gamesa is that when people can’t afford the high cost of fossil fuels they’ll be buying your products,” Obama pointed out. “That’ll mean more jobs and more profits for you.”
Meanwhile, back in Washington, Republicans warned that high energy prices could lead to a “double dip” recession. Senator John Cornyn (R-Tex) reminded the President that “higher prices for energy means businesses will have to make cuts elsewhere—maybe hire fewer workers or lay off some they already employ. If consumers have to pay more for gas they’ll have less to spend on other things. The businesses that sell these other things will have lower revenues with which to employ people. This can only make a weak economy worse.”
Former Senator Takes Self Hostage in Bid to Avoid Prison
Former Senator John Edwards (D-NC) threatened to kill himself rather than go to prison. Edwards has been under investigation for alleged payments to take care of his mistress, Rielle Hunter, during his failed run for president in 2008. The payments violated a campaign finance law that Edwards supported as a senator.
“I can’t go to prison,” Edwards lamented. “With my looks I’d be any cellblock’s number one ‘bitch.’ It’d be cruel and unusual punishment for such a trivial violation of such a questionable law.”
Edwards confided in friends that he hopes his threat to kill himself “will serve as a kind if preemptive strike against an overly aggressive prosecution. Why should I be singled out for such severe treatment? Bill Clinton diddled an intern and lied in front of a grand jury. He never had to face jail time. Charlie Rangel misappropriated campaign funds and got off with a slap on the wrist. He didn’t even have to resign from Congress. It’s just so unfair.”
Those who know Edwards best discount the possibility of suicide. “John’s one of the cleverest and most successful tort lawyers,” said a friend under a promise of anonymity. “Histrionics and threats of dire consequences are the methods he’s been using to win big settlements in legal disputes for years. I don’t think federal prosecutors stand a chance against him.”
DOJ Decision a Puzzler
The US Department of Justice’s approval of a Georgia law requiring voters to prove citizenship before they are allowed to cast a ballot has shocked some observers.
“Those who see a contradiction between upholding a requirement for voters to prove citizenship while neglecting to do the same for a candidate are mistaken,” Attorney General Eric Holder contended. “Ensuring that a person who votes is, in fact, entitled to vote is the job of government election officials. On the other hand, whether a candidate is entitled to hold the office for which he is running is the job of voters. Voters by their action in electing a person are saying that, as far as they are concerned, that person is entitled to hold the office. That is how democracy works—the people choose their own rulers. It is not up to my office, the courts, or any other body to interfere in this process.”
Senator Denounces “Tea Party” Extremists
Hoping to set voters against the so-called Tea Party’s influence on Republicans to push for steep cuts to federal spending, Senator Charles Schumer (D-NY) characterized them as “extremists.” “Look at the name these people took for themselves: the Tea Party,” Schumer said. “You know, the original Tea Party of 1773 entailed the wanton destruction of property as a protest against higher taxes. I think the voters of today would consider such behavior to be extreme disrespect for the duly authorized actions of their government.”
A Satirical Look at Recent News