By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
In testimony before a House of Representatives Committee, Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner argued that higher taxes are needed “to forestall a potentially disastrous shrinkage of government.”
Representative Renee Ellmers (R-NC) challenged Geithner’s assertion pointing out that “government spending in this country now consumes almost two-thirds of the income generated by the private sector—the most ever in our history. This is hardly a shrinkage of government.”
“I didn’t say government was shrinking,” Geithner replied. “I was warning that it could shrink if we don’t find more revenue to feed it. A lot of people don’t understand that government is the crucial entity in our society. Unless it has the resources it needs to channel behavior toward socially beneficial purposes there’ll be no direction for our economy. My point is, why let the nation’s dwindling resources be squandered by an anarchic private sector when we can salvage them for the public good through targeted tax hikes?”
The fact that the most anarchic sphere of the private sector—small businesses—accounts for more than 60% of the job creation failed to sway Geithner. “Small businesses only create these jobs because they have the money,” Geithner pointed out. “If the government taxed that money away these businesses wouldn’t be creating those jobs, government would. And they’d be better jobs with higher pay and more growth potential.”
In related news, President Obama went to Pittsburgh to pitch his new “Advanced Manufacturing Partnership” program. “Under this program, government and businesses will work together for a better America,” Obama said. “The self-serving quest for profit will be supplanted by a coordinated plan for national renewal. Private greed will give way to serving public need. It’s a model for a transformed way of life for this country.”
Head of Fed Baffled
Ben Bernanke, Chairman of the Federal Reserve Bank (Fed) pronounced himself “baffled” by the state of the economy.
“The federal government is spending like there’s no tomorrow, we’ve added trillions to the national debt over the last three years, we’re cranking out more new money than ever before, yet the economy is lying there like a beached whale,” Bernanke mused. “I have to admit, I’m baffled by it all.”
Bernanke dismissed businesses’ reluctance to invest as “irrational.” “Look, our ‘quantitative easing’ couldn’t be clearer,” Bernanke insisted. “Whatever they borrow today can be paid back later in cheaper dollars. We’re effectively ripping off creditors for the benefit of debtors. Why aren’t businesses rushing to become debtors? It doesn’t make any sense to me.”
Likewise, Bernanke also rejected the perception of many that the Obama Administration is “anti-business” as a possible explanation. “Just because some lines of business have been hammered by the Administration doesn’t mean they’re against all business,” Bernanke observed. “There are ways to get on the good side of the President. A show of support for his reelection could open a few doors. Or businesses could invest in his ‘green agenda.’ You can still make money if you make the right moves.”
“And don’t get me started on taxes,” Bernanke continued. “Businesses don’t pay taxes. They pass them on to their customers. Besides, like I said about our ‘quantitative easing,’ taxes can be paid later in cheaper dollars.”
The Fed Chief implied that sterner measures may be necessary. “If businesses don’t willingly grasp the opportunities laid out for them a more direct role for government may be called for,” Bernanke suggested. “The government needn’t wait for companies to go bankrupt like GM did before stepping in to take control.”
Another Democratic Governor Vetoes Voter ID
North Carolina’s Governor Beverly Perdue (D) vetoed a bill that would’ve required voters to show photo IDs before casting their ballots.
“The right to choose our leaders is among the most precious freedoms we have,” Perdue said. “It shouldn’t be restricted to only those who can prove who they are. Just because a person has no documentary proof of who he is doesn’t mean he has no interest in who will govern him. The laws affect everyone. So everyone should have the right to vote without being impeded by unnecessary restrictions.”
President Says ATM a Symbol of What’s Wrong with this Country
With unemployment remaining stubbornly high after more than two years of his Administration’s economic stimulus policies, President Obama laid into the ATM (Automatic Teller Machine) as a symbol of what’s ailing the economy.
“First off, these machines displace workers, increasing unemployment,” Obama maintained. “People used to be employed as bank tellers to dispense cash and take deposits. Now, millions of these machines have eliminated millions of jobs.”
“Secondly, the government’s ability to control how money is dispensed is hampered,” the President added. “These machines are open around the clock and the process is pretty much automatic. If there’s money in your account the machine will pay you. There’s no opportunity for authorities to exercise discretion. The potential for effecting a more socially conscious deployment of the nation’s cash resources is diminished.”
“In an ideal world the government would exercise a more comprehensive oversight of how money is handled throughout society,” Obama opined. “Before anyone could access this resource it would have to be justified by a showing of need or conformance with the nation’s goals and policies.”
While some hailed the President’s perspective as “innovative” and “refreshing,” Senator Ron Johnson (R-Wisc) was notably unimpressed, dubbing it “a depressing display of economic ignorance.”
TSA Thefts from Passengers Called “Collateral Damage”
While the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) may have successfully sold the molestation of airline passengers as a “necessary inconvenience” on the road to national security, it is not so easy to explain away theft. Thus far, 200 current TSA officers have been formally accused of stealing from passengers’ luggage. Over 500 TSA officers have been fired or suspended for theft since the agency was established in 2001.
“We’re not saying that the thefts are acceptable,” said Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano. “They’re not. But in the grand scheme of things, the risk of losing something from your luggage must be weighed against the need to provide a safer travel environment. We should consider the thefts collateral damage.”
The opportunity for Americans to experience collateral damage will be expanding. Napolitano announced that up to 8,000 surprise raids by TSA agents will be taking place at a variety of locations over the next year. Working in cooperation with immigration and drug-enforcement personnel, the TSA will be conducting SWAT operations to thwart terrorists and smugglers.
A prime objective of the planned raids, according to the Secretary, will be “to seize the large sums of cash used by these public enemies. There is no good reason for law-abiding citizens to carry around large sums of cash. Possession of such sums is, by itself, prima facie evidence of illegal intent. Confiscation of this money will both hinder criminal activities and help fund future operations of the TSA.”
Georgia Sued over Immigration Law
The State of Georgia’s attempt to enforce the nation’s laws against illegal immigration has netted it a lawsuit filed by the government of Mexico.
It is the Mexican government’s contention that the Georgia law unconstitutionally interferes with international commerce. “The transport of people and commodities from Mexico to anywhere in the United States is a matter solely under the discretion of the United States federal government,” said Juan Malhechor, Deputy Minister of Commerce for the Mexican government. “The State of Georgia has no authority to interdict this trade.”
The American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) rndorsed the Mexican government’s suit. “The smuggling of persons or drugs into the United States is a matter under the jurisdiction of the federal government,” ACLU spokesman Bertram Petty declared. “Those traveling between nations or importing merchandise shouldn’t have to deal with a patchwork of potentially contradictory state-imposed standards.”
It is reported likely that the Obama Administration will also join the suit. “The prerogative to enforce or ignore federal laws belongs to the federal government,” US Attorney General Eric Holder asserted. “It is not permissible for the states to enforce federal laws in contradiction to a federal policy abstaining from doing so.”
House Action on Libya Will Be Ignored
Presidential Press Secretary Jay Carney brushed off a recent House of Representatives’ move to deny President Obama authority for continuing to make war on Libya. “He doesn’t need their approval,” Carney contended. “He is the Commander-in-Chief. The troops answer to him. They will follow his orders. Members of the House should keep that in mind if they want to tangle with him.”
A Satirical Look at Recent News