Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
By John Semmens
Arguing that Tea Party conservatives are “an impediment to the proper governance of this country,” Senator John Kerry (D-Mass) demanded the media stop “propping these nuts up.”
“It’s one thing for Democrats and Republicans to have respectful disagreements over how much spending or taxes should be increased,” Kerry said. “It’s another thing entirely when outsiders who have no idea how Washington works to interfere with the governing process by trying to impose their twisted vision of an America where government is denied the powers it needs to meet the people’s needs.”
Kerry criticized the media for “failing to point out that the Tea Party’s opposition to higher deficits, spending and taxes is ignorant and demented. I mean, treating the remarks of someone like Senator Paul as if they are serious contributions to the debate over our country’s future is irresponsible. If they aren’t going to get behind those of us who are taking a responsible position on the issues we may need to look at implementing a greater degree of regulatory oversight on what they broadcast.”
In related news, the Obama Administration announced a new initiative against online extremism. “As events of the last week have shown, anti-government extremists were nearly successful in their bid to prevent an increase in the debt ceiling,” observed Press Secretary Jay Carney. “This type of terrorism is exacerbated by virtually costless communication over the Internet and Twitter. The President’s approval of a stepped up surveillance of traffic in these media will enable a more timely and forceful intervention to suppress this threat in the future.”
President Planning Bus Tour
Citing the need to counter the “baleful influence” of former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin’s bus tour, the Obama Administration announced that the President will soon embark upon his own “Jobs for America” bus tour.
One objective of the tour will be an attempt to build popular support for another extension of unemployment benefits. “Unemployment compensation is a key component of the President’s program for a transformed America,” said Press Secretary Jay Carney. “Not everyone who is out of work can find a job. Nor should we expect them to. The notion that every person ought to be required to support himself is an anachronism. We may have to reconcile ourselves to accommodating a tenth of the workforce being permanently unemployed. Other countries have done this. To make this more bearable it is essential that the unemployed be able to rely on the government for sustenance.”
Unlike Palin’s bus tour, Obama’s will be funded by taxpayers—a fact that Carney found boast-worthy. “Voters should consider the differences between the President and this leading ‘wanna be,’” Carney urged. “Do they want to back someone who impetuously resigns her government position and then has to pay for her own travel? Or do they prefer someone who has the sense to let the government pick up the tab?”
The prospect that the President’s bus tour is likely to boost campaign donations for his reelection bid was deemed “gravy” by Carney. “I should think the President’s enemies would be pleased that he will be seeking private donations for his reelection during this trip,” Carney said. “After all, he could issue an Executive Order appropriating funds for his reelection campaign from the federal treasury if he wanted to.”
President Garners Early Reelection Endorsement
Saying that the stakes are too high to risk any delay, the Communist Party of the United States came out with a ringing endorsement of a second term for President Obama.
“President Obama has done more for the advancement of progressive values than any other person who has held the office,” asserted Sam Webb, chairman of the Communist Party USA. “We can not envision a better champion of our cause at this crucial juncture of American history. Four more years should cement into place the policies and institutions needed for transforming the country into a truly socialist state—the necessary next stage of development toward the final destination of full communism.”
Acknowledging that winning reelection for Obama won’t be easy, Webb urged all progressives to “not shirk from the difficult, dangerous, and dirty work that may be required. Reactionary elements epitomized by the so-called Tea Party will not yield without a fight. We all must be willing to do whatever it takes to ensure a favorable outcome in November of 2012.”
Among those urged not to shirk by Webb was President Obama himself. “The President must not be passive,” Webb insisted. “He holds in his hands considerable power to effect the desired results. The full resources of the government must be deployed to suppress opposition and nurture support.”
President Says “Democracy” Holding Back Progress
President Barack Obama cited the lengthy battle over the debt ceiling as “evidence of the need for more radical reform of the way we do business in this country.”
“Democracy isn’t always a good thing,” Obama suggested. “Members of Congress are elected by vastly divergent constituencies. The institution is incapable of speaking with one voice. Consequently, precious time was lost by the requirement to gain legislative approval for what we all knew needed to be done. It wasn’t bad just for me. Members of Congress had to put in long hours arguing over minutia that ultimately won’t matter. They could’ve spent that time enjoying life, recreating, being with their families.”
The President characterized the debt ceiling legislation’s “Council of 12” as a step in the right direction. “One good thing that came out of this struggle was a provision to streamline the legislative process,” Obama said. “Instead of having to deal with 100 senators and 400 representatives, a council of 12 members will have plenary powers to control future spending and taxes. Thankfully, none of those who voted against the debt ceiling bill are eligible to serve on this council. So, while we haven’t completely freed ourselves from the impediments of Congress we have significantly reduced its impact.”
“I am optimistic that if things go according to plan we will after 2012 achieve a more unified governing process,” the President added.
State Senator Apologizes for Mafia Slur
Saying that she wasn’t too proud to admit a mistake, New York State Senator Diane Savino (D-North Shore/Brooklyn) apologized for calling the Tea Party “the new mafia.”
“Since my remarks a lot of people have told me that my comparison was unfair,” Savino said. “The mafia has made some positive contributions to our society that they don’t get enough credit for. They provide services and products that others are afraid to provide because they’re illegal. They stimulate the employment of police officers as well as help supplement the incomes of our men in blue.”
“In contrast, the Tea Party’s reign of terror has no offsetting benefits,” Savino continued. “Their attempt to hijack the government by cutting off its cash flow is a threat to every American. So, if there are any mafia members out there who were offended, I extend my most sincere apologies.”
President Deflects Criticism of Birthday Bash
Critics who suggest that his extraordinarily expensive 50th birthday party celebration might be inappropriate given the current state of the economy were brushed off by President Obama.
“First of all, as we’ve been saying for the last two years, spending is what stimulates the economy,” Obama pointed out. “The more everyone spends, the better off we’ll all be.”
“Second, I don’t think the American people want to see their President suffer,” Obama went on. “I reject the idea that ‘misery loves company’ and I believe that most Americans do too. They are humble enough to gain vicarious pleasure from knowing that as bad as things might be for them, their President is spared from pain.”
“Finally, even if I were to concede that the event is unacceptably extravagant, I am not the one paying for it,” Obama concluded. “No one can rightfully accuse me of wasting my money on frivolity. If my friends and supporters want to buy me a big party it’d be rude of me to say no.”
In related news, an unidentified spokesman defended the use of non-union labor at the President’s birthday party saying that the money saved boosts the net return for the President’s reelection campaign fund.
Gore Calls for American “Arab Spring”
Former Vice-President Al Gore says he takes encouragement from the so-called “Arab Spring” protests against tyranny that have sprung up in the Muslim countries of the Middle East.
“If young people can stand up against a government that shoots them down in the street, then I think there’s hope that the young people of America can rally against the oppressive and incompetent Obama Regime here,” Gore surmised. “I don’t believe that President Obama would dare call on troops to fire on American protestors. But even if he did the American people might finally get the message that they made a big mistake in 2008. I thought Bush was bad, but Obama is a total disaster from virtually every perspective.”
A Satirical Look at Recent News