By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
President Obama says he’s feeling pretty upbeat about his reelection chances despite the worst economy since the 1930s and polls showing that two-thirds of Americans disapprove of how he’s handled his job.
“On the surface things look bad,” Obama admitted. “But if voters dig deeper they’ll realize that I’ve really done a remarkable job. They’ll see that all the choices I’ve made have been the right ones.”
One of the right choices the President chose to mention was Obamacare, which he called “absolutely the right thing to do. Look, left to their own devices, too many people are neglecting to make the right decisions about their health. They’re eating poorly, not exercising enough, and aren’t going to the doctor when they should. This has to change and the legislation we passed is step one on the road to a healthier America.”
The president also defended his economic policies, insisting that “those who’re focusing on the unemployment rate are missing the big picture. Government can’t and shouldn’t try to ensure prosperity.
Booms and busts are just things that happen. No one can control them. What government can do, though, is try to ensure that everybody gets their fair share of the pie. Those who have more than their fair share must give back some so that others can enjoy a better life. My policy on this has been consistent.”
“I’m proud of what we’ve accomplished and I’m confident that voters will appreciate what I’ve done for them,” Obama concluded.
In related news, radio host Tom Joyner urged African-Americans to get behind Obama’s reelection effort. “Let’s not even deal with the facts right now. Let’s deal with just our blackness and pride—and loyalty. A defeat for President Obama would be a triumph for racism. It will be used to claim that his victory in 2008 was a mistake.”
Vice-President Threatens Crime Rampage
Vice-President Joe Biden warned that America faces a surge in robberies, rapes, and murders if the president’s so-called jobs bill isn’t passed.
“Government is the only thing that can dampen man’s natural inclination to rob, rape, and murder his fellow human beings,” Biden contended. “The President’s jobs bill addresses this problem by providing one year of federal funding for local governments to hire more police officers.”
According to Biden, “the recession aggravates man’s predatory instincts. Time that previously was tied up working for wages is freed for opportunities to prey upon the weak. The need for more police is even greater when unemployment is high.”
Contrary to the vice-president’s theory, though, crime has declined since the recession began. In 2007, there were 1.4 million violent crimes (murder, rape and robbery)—a rate of 472 per 100,000 population. In 2010, there were 1.2 million—a rate of 404 per 100,000 population. Property crimes have also declined from 9.9 million in 2007 (3276 per 100,000 population ) to 9.1 million in 2010 (2942 per 100,000 population).
Diaper Act Pushed
Representative Rosa DeLauro (D-Conn) is championing a bill she calls the Diaper Investment and Aid to Promote Economic Recovery Act (DIAPER Act). The bill would provide free diapers to the poor. DeLauro says the proposed law is “necessary to ensure that the poor have access to diapers.”
Though there are government programs that provide monetary stipends to qualifying poor persons, DeLauro insists that this is insufficient to achieve the desired hygiene goals. “The money we’re giving the poor now doesn’t guarantee that their babies will be properly diapered,” she pointed out. “That money could easily be spent on liquor or crack cocaine just like food stamps are.”
“People are poor because they make bad choices,” DeLauro continued. “We need to eliminate those bad choices by making more of their decisions for them. Providing the actual physical object needed by their children is a step in the right direction.”
DeLauro characterized her bill as “a beginning, not an end. Ultimately, government will have to undertake a much greater role in rearing the children of this nation.” The Congresswoman said she can foresee a future where all families’ needs are explicitly provided for by the state. “Poor people aren’t the only ones messing up the lives of their children. Too many parents pass on too many bad habits and prejudices. Remediating this must be part of our task to make a better America.”
Democrat Stresses Importance of Maintaining Public Sector Employment
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) says “the high unemployment rate in the private sector is not something I worry about. Do I wish it were lower? Sure, but it’s not anything I lose sleep over.”
What Reid does lose sleep over is unemployment in the public sector. “What really concerns me is whether government has sufficient funds to provide vital services,” Reid said. “Most of the private sector is engaged in supplying what I consider the frills in our society—things that people could easily get along without in a pinch. For example, do people really need to eat in restaurants or stay in hotels? People can make do with ‘staycations’ when times are tough. There’s no real need to fly or drive somewhere just to fritter away some time at a resort.”
Reid contrasted the relative frivolity of much of private sector spending with what he termed “the life’s blood of the public sector.” “We need government to guide the essential decisions of society,” Reid asserted. “How are cities and states expected to regulate land use, control business hours, monitor smoking bans and limit consumers’ poor dietary decisions if public budgets aren’t maintained?”
Since the onset of the recession, the private sector has lost 6.3 million jobs (about 5.4%). Over the same span, the public sector has lost 392,000 jobs (about 1.8%).
In related news, President Obama justified using federal funds to pay for his recent reelection campaign bus tour on the grounds that “protecting a sitting president from those who seek to depose him is a legitimate government expenditure. As Jesse Jackson said to me the other day, if we can pay to protect a president from hostile bullets why shouldn’t we pay to protect him from hostile ballots.”
Wall Street Dems Urged to Remain Calm
Complaints from the Democratic Party’s Wall Street donors were brushed off by White House Press Secretary Jay Carney this week. The complaints arose after President Obama and the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee called for Party members to support the Occupy Wall Street protest against capitalism.
“We know how this must sound to them,” Carney acknowledged. “But they have to understand the President’s position. He’s in a tough fight for his reelection. He may have to say things that seem scary to these guys. All that matters is whether he wins. When he does he won’t forget his friends. They have nothing to fear.”
Many of the investment bankers aren’t so sure they have nothing to fear. “Once he’s reelected he won’t need any more campaign donations from us,” observed Peter Pelf, CEO of Chatte Grosse Bank and Trust. Pelf says he is hedging his bets this time. “I figure if I give to Romney as well as Obama I’ll be covered no matter what.”
In related news, a canvass of views at the Occupy Wall Street protest found that 30% would resort to violence if needed to force political change. “Well, if we’re going to eat the rich, logically, we’d have to kill them first,” said a protester calling herself Sara Sunshine. Dirk Steel, another protester, recalled “Lenin taught us that you can’t make a revolution without cracking some heads.”
Zbiginew Brzezinski, former national security adviser for President Jimmy Carter, suggested that the names and addresses of the “rich” should be made public so that the “dispossessed could more easily find them and personally effect the kind of income redistribution President Obama has promised.”
Obama Campaign Advisor Says “Cain Not a Serious Contender”
Senior Obama adviser David Axelrod dismissed Herman Cain’s chance for ever becoming president.
“Look, he has too many strikes against him,” Axelrod argued. “First, there is no way that a Black man can be nominated by the Republicans. The GOP is a white man’s Party—of the white man, by the white man and for the white man. Always has been, always will be. This just simple history for you.”
“Second, Cain is out of step with the Black people of this country,” Axelrod added. “It has been said by others, his story is not the typical Black man’s story. His notion that hard work is the path to success doesn’t resonate with the vast majority of Blacks. He won’t get their votes because he has nothing to offer them in exchange.”
“Perhaps most importantly, he has no money,” Axelrod gloated. “How can we take him seriously if the people with money aren’t trying to buy a seat at his table? On top of all the free media time he’ll get, President Obama will raise an additional billion dollars, most of it from major players in business and banking, to fund his campaign. The only Republican who might garner a third as much is Mitt
Romney. Cain should quit before he gets hurt trying to run with the big boys.”
A Satirical Look at Recent News