President Claims ‘Jesus Would Vote for Me’

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens

In a bid to capture the evangelical vote, President Obama boldly asserted that his programs are based on the teachings of Jesus and that “if he were alive, Jesus would vote for me.” Obama’s remarks were made this past week at the National Prayer Breakfast in Washington.

“Jesus instructed his followers to render unto Caesar what is Caesar’s,” Obama recalled. “What could more clearly be Caesar’s than money. Money is issued by the government. Both in Jesus’ time and now, money has been adorned with the likenesses of governing officials. God’s will is plain: money and its distribution is the within the scope of government’s authority. Opposition to this is what is ungodly.”

Not only is government control over the distribution of money in accord with God’s commandments, it also aids in the salvation of those it dispossesses the President contended. “Look, Jesus told us that it would be easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to get into heaven,” Obama said. “So, by relieving the wealthy of their excess money, the government would also be helping them get into heaven.”

“Jesus also said that to whom much is given, much shall be required,” Obama remembered. “A society in which everyone does what he is able to do and in return receives what he needs would implement this ideal. Turning this ideal into a reality is my ambition for America.”

The president’s supporters in Wisconsin sought to assure him that Jesus would, in fact, be voting for him in their  come November. Bolstering their confidence was the appearance of Jesus’ signature on multiple copies of the petition to recall Republican Governor Scott Walker.

In related news, saying that the $16 trillion national debt is “hampering the government’s fiscal flexibility,” President Obama suggested “privatization might prove a way out from under this load.”

Under the plan, each person in America would be issued a prorated share of the debt (about $49,000 apiece). “Those that could afford to pay would pay,” Obama said. “Those who couldn’t would file for bankruptcy and have the debt expunged. The government would have a debt-free balance sheet for the first time in our nation’s history.”

Komen Foundation Will Continue to Fund Planned Parenthood

Under pressure from leading abortion advocates, the Komen Foundation for the Cure of Breast Cancer reversed an earlier decision to discontinue its annual grant to Planned Parenthood.

“It has been pointed out to us that our decision to cease funding Planned Parenthood was based on some miscalculations,” said Komen CEO Nancy Brinker. “First, many of those who have supported our efforts to fight breast cancer are ardent about the work of Planned Parenthood. Our decision to end funding for that organization was taken as an insult and could have longer term negative impacts on our main mission.”

“Second, every abortion provided by Planned Parenthood is provided to a woman,” Brinker observed. “Women’s rights and women’s health are clearly important to that organization. Even if we were to consider the effects on the aborted fetuses only about half of them would’ve eventually become women. The health of actual women has got to take precedence over the health of potential women.”

Brinker downplayed evidence that having an abortion increases a woman’s risk for coming down with breast cancer, calling it “unproven.” “Not every woman who has an abortion gets breast cancer,” Brinker asserted. “Many who have never had an abortion still get breast cancer. So, those who contend that our support of Planned Parenthood might contradict our central purpose do not have a conclusive case.”

AG Denies DOJ Has Anything to Hide on “Fast and Furious”

Attorney General Eric Holder took issue with Congressional investigators of the so-called “Fast and Furious” gun-running scandal.

“Accusations that this Administration has been engaged in a cover up are totally unfounded,” Holder argued. “If we had been engaged in a cover up, I assure you I wouldn’t be here testifying today. No one would’ve known anything about it. No one would’ve known what questions to ask. The fact that we are here today, conducting this hearing is proof that there has been no cover up. When you’ve done nothing wrong, there’s no need for it.”

In support of his argument, Holder cited a report by House Democrats absolving the Obama Administration of any blame in the gun-running scandal. “As Representative Cummings (D-Md) pointed out, you have no proof that I knew anything about this program,” Holder maintained. “No one has ‘fingered’ me or the President. You’ve got nothing on either of us.”

Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano characterized the GOP investigation as “misguided.” “For all their talk about securing the border, Representative Issa and his cohorts are overlooking the fact that these guns have been instrumental in interdicting more illegal crossings than our own border guards have,” Napolitano said. “The tens of thousands of Mexican nations that have been killed by Mexican gangsters using ‘fast and furious’ guns has enabled the Obama Administration to make more serious inroads against illegal immigration than any previous Administration.”

While the number of illegal immigrants making their way into the US from Mexico may have slowed, the quantity of illegal drugs being smuggled across this border has not. The National Drug Intelligence Center estimates that Mexican drug cartels now account for most of the heroin, marijuana, and methamphetamine available in the United States and that production appears to be increasing.

GOP Move to Block Welfare Money from Being Spent at Strip Clubs Assailed

A Republican bill that would bar welfare benefits from being spent at strip clubs, casinos, and liquor stores was assailed by Melissa Boteach, of the liberal Center for American Progress.

“This is wrong on so many levels,” Boteach claimed. “Right off, it’s an invasion of privacy. The government has no business telling people how to spend their money. These aren’t children we’re dealing with. They’re adults with adult urges and needs. They have a right to meet these needs as they see fit.”

“Besides, being poor is depressing,” Boteach added. “These people may have more than an average need for the diversions provided by these types of businesses.”

“Likewise, the businesses targeted in the bill have every right to solicit customers from all classes of society,” Boteach continued. “Patronage shouldn’t be restricted by government intervention.”

“And let’s not overlook the macroeconomic effects the bill would impose,” Boteach reminded. “The president has emphasized again and again how important it is to maintain spending if the economy is to grow. Few businesses can burn through a bankroll as rapidly as strip clubs, casinos, and liquor stores. Dampening the customer traffic at these places would be out-of-step with the President’s plan.”

Criticism of President Dangerous, Says Jackson

Former presidential candidate Reverend Jesse Jackson averred that criticism of President Obama has gotten dangerously out of hand.

“The constant barrage of right-wing criticism leveled at the president by his enemies has reached unacceptably perilous magnitude,” Jackson insisted. “When a governor is allowed to point her finger at him or a member of Congress is permitted to get away with calling him a liar we must acknowledge that rhetoric has gone too far.”

Jackson cited history to bolster his concern. “President John Kennedy was vilified by right-wingers,” Jackson asserted. “This created an atmosphere conducive to violence. The next we knew, he was shot and killed. We must do what we can to eliminate today’s attacks on President Obama before the same thing happens to him.”

The role that any so-called right-wing criticism of Kennedy’s policies might have played in his assassination is unclear. Lee Harvey Oswald, the man who shot Kennedy, was a communist sympathizer whose grievance against the President appeared related to Kennedy’s opposition to Cuba’s communist regime.

Pelosi Calls President’s Moves against Catholic Theology “Courageous”

The Obama Administration’s decision to force Catholic institutions to provide birth control, including so-called “morning after” pills that induce abortions, got a vote-of-confidence from House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif).

Pelosi, who claims to be a practicing Catholic, took issue with what she termed “the Church’s idiosyncratic opposition to the will of the people. Voters of this country, including, I might add, the majority of Catholic voters, have, by electing Obama President, determined that access to birth control may not be restricted. Neither the whims of the Church’s hierarchy nor the strictures of out-dated dogma can stand against this decision.”

“Given the Church’s long history of persecuting those they deem guilty of heresy, I must commend the President on his decision,” Pelosi added. “Not since Britain’s King Henry VIII have we seen such such a bold and  courageous act of resistance by a nation’s ruler to Papal oppression.”

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